Hi there
I'd like to introduce myself to the forum...
It has taken me a little while to pluck up the courage to do this...Not without wanting to of course, as I have found this space an immense resource of reassurance over last few years. In reading conversations, and how healing this has felt. I now realize that it is important to be a part of the conversation and community, and that I want to work on my relationships. My esteem has recovered that I feel I may actually have quite a lot to offer!
I am sure that many of you may understand how the tendency to isolate can feel! I now feel ready to address things within my relationships. As I do isolate easily, just as a way of feeling safe and what my T says just feels (family-ar), although I really am a sociable person, which is frustrating! I have just had weakened boundaries over the years from letting in the wrong people over and over again. Out of feeling lonely I suppose.
I was the scapegoat, and youngest child in an UNPD family. It's a long story, but simply put there was plenty of physical, emotional, psychological abuse, awful gas lighting, which inevitably led to me developing PTSD around age six when my on eof my PD parents tried to kill me in a rage. Although the abuse had been insidious prior to this from a young age, things changed for me then, I became very good at dissociating! But somehow my T says that I kept myself strong inside. I remember I fought and fought, twisted and turned, minimized my abuse, developed the fantasy bond, but was terrified, as I am sure you can understand. Somehow, despite all this I still kept a certain degree of discernment, and knew something was not right but could not quite put it into words.
Where am I at now? Well I've been in psychoanalytic talk therapy for seven years, and one year in CBT prior to that. I have healed a lot of the shame and guilt around a lot of the abuse. I went NC for three years which was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am now back in contact and somehow developing a good relationship with my parents. Carefully working through things with my dad. They are elderly and both very unwell.
The therapy journey has transformed my life in many. ways which I'd like to share some more with members here if I can.
Fortunately, I have just got out of a very unfortunate and unhealthy intimate relationship. Which I feel was a very close call for me. As I managed to extricate myself from this type of situation for the first time in my life, I feel I have set the healthy boundaries I needed for myself. Which leads me to do more healthy things, and to write this here! As I have found since leaving the relationship really reflecting on why I get into these relationships and how I can meet healthier people! Any chats about this would be welcomed!
I'd also be interested if anyone has advice around coming out of a relationship with a PD person and experiences people have had about recovery! I have been looking into the forum about this, particularly about how we can trust our own sense of discernment of certain unhealthy behaviours if we have suffered gas lighting. This is the difficult bit for me in relationships!
So I'll leave it there for now, and just like to say hello!! Looking forward to chatting with you!
May I give you a warm welcome Yipeee. Having just read your introduction I'm moved almost beyond words at the moment. What you write feels so familiar and so terribly sad to me. I spent five years in daily psychoanalysis as a young woman and returned throughout my life to consult with my analyst when life overwhelmed me. My analyst's work with me literally saved my life.
I feel my more recently gained understanding, from books and current therapy and OOTS members, of what living with complex PTSD means, and the knowledge that I am not alone with this struggle, is allowing me now to gain a more objective sense of my life's experiences, and to move beyond everyday confusion and turmoil into a place of more peace. For one thing, I now understand I have been injured - I was deeply wounded in my FOO and marriage. This is a huge relief. In recent correspondence my analyst agreed with me - I do not have an illness - I never did! And yet nearly all my life I felt I was at fault for being the one who was 'neurotic' and depressed and isolated in life.
I do hope you find being a contributor to OOTS to be the refuge it has become for me since I gathered the courage to become a member and contribute my experiences and questions.
bluepalm
Hi Bluepalm!
Thanks so much for your warm welcome! Its so reassuring and welcoming!
The knowledge about yourself you describe, and in gaining objective distance over the years of work you did, I understand how empowering this must have been for you! It's interesting to hear how the daily work you went through with your analyst as a young woman turned things around for you, and your how this really saved your life! Its amazing to hear! As I get how important that must have been for you. How you describe that you know that you were injured and not actually ill!
Its reassuring for me to hear how you have found sharing your experiences, and contributing has helped you! That's good to know and inspires me to get sharing! Looking forward to talking with you more!
Wishes
Yipee
QuoteFor one thing, I now understand I have been injured - I was deeply wounded in my FOO and marriage. This is a huge relief. In recent correspondence my analyst agreed with me - I do not have an illness - I never did! And yet nearly all my life I felt I was at fault for being the one who was 'neurotic' and depressed and isolated in life.
:yeahthat: very well said! This is also my experience. Welcome, Yipeee, and thanks for posting!
:heythere:
Welcome!
Thanks for your welcome Three Roses! Much appreciated! and for sharing your experience by reiterating what Bluepalm said: about knowing that things were not your fault. You were injured like all here, we were not unwell. I don't know about you, but I find feeling that day to day, moment to moment is maybe one of the hardest things to do, to keep in mind somehow!? Amongst the triggers and then feeling in flight again!
Thanks again for the welcome and look forward to chatting with you further.
Yipee
Thanks Not Alone and Hi!