Starting a new chapter tonight! I have moved states, gone to my first mental health conference, and register for graduate classes tomorrow! It only feels fitting to have a new journal for all of this. I have learned so much and have so many ideas from just one conference. I am also finding skills I learned in therapy are truly paying off during this process, hoping that will continue.
This is number 4 for me (goodness I write a lot in two years)... I am finding it fitting as 4 is my lucky number that this part of my journey gets to be journal number 4 ;D
I don't have a lot to say, but I know I will need this space and missed writing here while I was away the last couple of weeks. Onto the new adventure! :cheer:
Elphanigh, it's soooo good to see you've opened the pages of Journal #4 and are willing to share some of what your ride is like these days.
As we know, so many of these times have seen you go through some pretty jagged edges, but here you are, having made it this far and raring to plunge into this new adventure.
Best wishes as you step closer to those dreams which once probably seemed so distant, so futile, so doubtful. But again -- here you are!
:thumbup: :bigwink: :applause:
:bighug:
Woodsgnome, thank you so much for the encouragement!! It does truly make my day to read it. I have struggled so much in the past, and am learning to exist and enjoy this space. It is strange and exciting. The dream doesn't seem so distant anymore, and to me that is phenomenal.
I am so glad to have you on this journey with me :hug: :hug:
Welcome back! :hug: Look forward to reading your posts and supporting you through the ups and downs.
Welcome back! So glad you're settling in and on this next leg of your journey. :hug:
Thank you Three Roses :hug: :hug:
I have not had a whole lot to write which I guess is probably truly a positive. I am realizing that because I am no longer working 60 hour weeks, and am not going through the intense emdr and healing that I have so much more time and energy. Sometimes I find it is difficult to know what to do with that sort of feeling, but I am working to embrace and enjoy it. I realize that not having things to specifically be doing or focusing on used to be really triggering for me, but is not so much any more. I have my moments but mostly this is good and necessary.
I am constantly finding progress in my every day life. It is nice to get to note how different things are from when I started with my last T two years ago, getting to be proud of myself for how far I have come has been atrememndous thing. I do think this is all coming st the right time in my life for once. I know eventually I will go back and start working on my trauma intentionally again but for the moment I am going to enjoy the benefits of having done all the work i did the last few years. I feel like I and even younger me deserve that much.
Quote from: Elphanigh on June 11, 2019, 12:32:13 PM
I have not had a whole lot to write which I guess is probably truly a positive. I am realizing that because I am no longer working 60 hour weeks, and am not going through the intense emdr and healing that I have so much more time and energy. Sometimes I find it is difficult to know what to do with that sort of feeling, but I am working to embrace and enjoy it.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Glad to hear that you are doing well and able to celebrate the healing you have achieved.
:yeahthat: :applause: :cheer:
:grouphug: Thank you for celebrating with me! It is such a weird feeling but one I am grateful to have. ;D
Now I am just excited for classes to start in August. It feels forever away
:cheer: Glad you are enjoying this time - and I wish you the best for this stage in your journey.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope!
I had my first trigger since leaving my T a few days ago, nothing too huge but it has been interesting dealing with the emotions after the fact. Wanting to reach for help and missing it, but also wanting so much to be independent and capable on my own. I have found a happy medium. Not falling back on my T (not current but not exactly past either) but talking to a few friends just sharing bits to help me process it and not feel alone.
Right now I have a large dose of survivors guilt going on... like my goodness I feel guilty for being well and healing like I have. I feel bad for not struggling as much as I see people twice my age struggling. I am grateful I have done so much work early but I find I feel guilty for it as well... I know it will pass it always has. I just keep wondering, Why me? Why do I get to feel better and freer when others are still trapped by it. People who have spent many more years in it than I have even.
I have also started trying to reconcile some sort of belief in something bigger. I am not sure I ever can or really want to, but I have been finding myself asking more questions lately. I am unsure and just want answers that I can't yet find for myself. I am not sure I can ever reconcile all that has happened with some sort of compassionate all knowing being.... maybe one day, but not right now. I am just questioning more than I have ever done so in my life. Maybe time to read some books ?
Anyways back to unpacking but I needed to come here and write some
You know why you get to move on? It's cuz you worked so so hard for it sweetie! You challenge yourself all the time and you deserve everything positive that comes your way. :hug:
Thank you Deep Blue :bighug:
It is really good to hear from you. I keep trying to remind myself of all the hard work I have done to deserve to move on in the ways I am. It helps some, more so to hear it from someone else too honestly.
I guess I just feel guilt over getting to do so early on in life, when I know people that deserve to be getting to move on more than I do. Maybe paid more dues etc? Idk, comparing is never healthy, so I need to kick this thought process
We all move at our own pace sweetie. We are of all ages, all genders, and have had many different types of trauma. Comparing any of us is like comparing apples to oranges ya know?
Much love and I'm glad you are doing well. :hug:
Thanks dear :hug: You're very right, and I appreciate knowing you're glad I am doing well. :bighug:
Quote from: Elphanigh on June 11, 2019, 12:32:13 PM
I am constantly finding progress in my every day life. It is nice to get to note how different things are from when I started with my last T two years ago, getting to be proud of myself for how far I have come has been atrememndous thing.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Quote from: Elphanigh on June 11, 2019, 12:32:13 PM
I know eventually I will go back and start working on my trauma intentionally again but for the moment I am going to enjoy the benefits of having done all the work i did the last few years. I feel like I and even younger me deserve that much.
:yeahthat: You and younger you do deserve it!
As to comparing the speed of your healing process with the speed of that of some of us on here who've been working on it for decades - well I admit I've been comparing my speed to yours too. Not healthy, not particularly helpful, but not uncommon with our diagnosis, I believe. I am truly happy for you and my impression is that you work really hard and you deserve everything you're getting now!! I've been blaming myself for not working hard enough, not as hard as you.
I may write more on my own Journal sometime, an in-depth discussion doesn't belong on yours.
Blueberry, thank you for celebrating my wins with me and for you very open reply. :hug:I definitely think you are working hard enough, this junk isn't easy. Comparing does come rather hand in hand with our diagnosis, not helpful but certainly common, you're right. I don't think diving in and only having trauma work as the focus in life for several years is right for everyone, it was barely something that worked for me at times. There is definitely a reason I needed this break from it and was rather burnt out at the end.
My T used to tell me it was pure determination and will power, tha I was born with a lot of resilience somehow. That it was also probably some of the left over fight from needing to save people in my life. Nonetheless, I did do a lot of work and need to remind myself it is okay to be okay.
I'm happy for you! Your progress gives me hope that is attainable for me, too. :hug:
Three Roses, that is really good to hear! I do really think it is attainable for everyone, or I would like to believe it is. It is my hope I can help some people do that, by going into clinical work. I do also hope for myself that when I go back I can make even more progress, just not sure when that will be. :hug:
Finally coming out of some of the survivor's guilt I was getting. I have really done the work and deserve to be happy and well. The old voices of not being deserving or worth while were really setting in there. I think that inner critic of mine was getting me in the for of guilt, because the memories/emotions I was dealing with were ones that revolved around the idea that I was worthless and at fault, so of course I was feeling guilty for getting better. That voice doesn't believe that I deserve good things. I wrote a letter to my M, and did some moving around to get those voices unstuck. It helped a ton. I am recognizing that guilt for what it is.
I am becoming more and more excited for August to come, but I know that will mean being busy. It also means the beginning of a long two years with not big break from my studies. I know it will be well worth it, but am trying to remind myself to soak in all the rest that I can before it starts.
Hi Elpha,
You do deserve to be happy and well, and coming out of some of the survivor's guilt - I'm glad you're feeling that way. August will be here before you know it - but you sound very keen to experience everything before it starts, and I hope that you are able to savour it.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope, I am so excited for August but yes also trying to savour everything before that as well. It is a strange mix.
It is super nice to get to come out of survivors guilt. I get it in waves and thankfully they never stay too long.
Hi Elpha,
August will soon be here! But wishing you the best for July in the meanwhile. Savouring everything before that as well sounds really great.
Hope :)
It has been a long time since I have written here, which is mostly a positive. Things have been going really well and unfortunately I come here because it stopped going as well for a moment. It will pass but I wanted to write here.
Last week my apartment building had someone try to smash in the window to our front door. They didn't succeed but it is scary because they meant to get in for some reason. I know that struck some fear in me but felt like I was doing really well to handle it as it came up. However, I was not sleeping well at all. I was getting some hours but I was waking up on and off, feeling like I never hit a deep sleep at all and was constantly exhausted. I think that cycle ended last night, I finally got some sleep.
Poking the bear, so to speak, has given me a pretty constant deep gut feeling that just produces anxiety when I try to help it. Talking with my old T last night helped a lot. Well it also helped cause the major trigger, but it did then calm the trigger down and help me identify what was going on. We did some processing over the phone and just kind of unsettled me, then I got really badly triggered just simply making dinner last night. I didn't recognize it immediately as an emotional flashback until of course I got the nauseous feelings from just smelling food... I got to talk with my T again after than and we did some visualization work that helped calm the trigger and identify what happened.
This fragmented part of myself that hold tons of fear had shown itself and was triggered by all of this, thus the lack of sleep this week. It is beyond difficult to sit with fear. It is an overwhelming emotion by nature, so trying to sit with it long enough to give it the care that it needs is near impossible. I am managing to do small doses as to not get overwhelmed by it again. This has meant that I am getting not only the physical sensations from where this fear sits in my gut, but also flashes of memories that relate to it. I don't think there is anything new in there yet, but there are things that have become a little more clear and things that I haven't thought about in a while.
**TW**
I need to put some of those flashes to words so I can kind of keep track of any trends and note anything of particular potency. The first one which is less a flash and more a full memory is one where my dad smashed a hole in a door. What makes this memory full of fear and uncertainty is that I was in front of that door, I was not sure if that punch was coming for me or not but I remember being unable to move... Thankfully it didn't hit me, it busted the wood in the door but not my head or something. Instead of any comfort or apology, I got told I shouldn't have been there and that it was my fault for being where I didn't belong.. Mind you this was an open area in the house I grew up in, so I was normally allowed to be in that space.
I get flashes of moments from February when I was hurt in my hotel room. The intense fear I felt that night, not being able to get the man out of my room or myself to leave is so similar to what is stored in this ball of fear I have.
When I was six I was forced to give oral sex to a man and that comes up for me here. The lack of any ability to change what was happening, and the true fear that it would never stop, that I would choke.
Which brings back some preverbal stuff where I couldn't breathe, that is not a visual memory but I can feel it in my body. Not being able to breathe is a real theme in my life that started there. It went to a moment with my uncle that put his hand around my neck and nearly suffocated me because I back talked and tried to escape him hurting me... then of course small bits of abusers that would do it for fun if I was not being cooperative... Then sometimes getting hit or hurt so badly I didn't feel like I could catch my breath at all. Of course there is a lot of fear in those memories so I am getting flashes of them.
I get moments of when my mom had a stroke in front of me. She just collapsed and I was the only one present. I was in early grade school and my dad wasn't home. I had younger siblings and had to save my M. I managed to make the call to my dad and grandpa and saved her, but I was so afraid. Seeing my M, even though she was not always healthy for me, was terror inducing.
Then not so much a specific memory, but being fearful of what would come through my closed door. I was allowed to clsoe my bedroom door but never lock it. Sometimes that would mean that one of my abusers would come in, or that an angry parent would storm in etc... I was never allowed true privacy in that space, including in the bathroom sometimes.. I remember a sense of fear for that a lot. Never truly being able to know I was safe.. not even in my room at night.
**end TW**
Anyways that is about as much as I can do. Maybe more later but I think I got a lot out and need to not get overwhelmed by it
:hug: fear can be overwhelming. I'm kind of stuck in a fear loop right now too. Glad you were able to get some out hope it helps keep you grounded. Gentle caring hug :hug:
Elphanigh - :hug: :hug: :hug:
You are truly a beautiful, strong, courageous woman. A survivor, thru and thru. I'm glad we're here for you, to listen when you need us. :hug:
It is good to hear from you, although I'm sorry that you are struggling. Understandable that the person trying to break in was so triggering to you. Supporting you with care. :hug:
Thank you all for the kind words :hug: :hug: It means the world I can still come here and write. I didnt realize it had been so long. Life just has been going so quickly and really well recently. Harder to come and write here when until more recently my trauma hasn't been much present in my life. Has been a good change of pace.
I know this will pass but it is overwhelming at times and really hard to just let be. It will pass as it always does.. but it is hard to keep in perspective having so much thrown into my head at once. It is like an awful swirling in my head still...
All the hugs are the best, thank you :hug: :grouphug:
:hug:
:bighug:
Thank you Three Roses ♥️ Today feels better already, I did a bit of somatic work before going to bed last night which helped me sleep and release some of this stuck energy. I am feeling a bit more positive today, knowing I have some emotional work to do but it feels less daunting. Always grateful when my grounding and processing skills work like they are supposed to.
:cheer: for feeling better today.
In your post you shared about "being fearful of what would come through my closed door." That sort of thing also rattles around my sensitive soul, as my young self experienced similar daily intrusions (and never routine -- always deleterious, usually in ways I'd rather not recall).
Sorry to bust in on your journal, but after wading past the TW (thank you) and risking to plunge ahead, it was gratifying to read of how you can now work to counteract and diminish somewhat the worst effects for you. In other words, you keep showing signs of self-care; things you've worked hard for.
Kudos. :applause:
Thank you for reading it, I am glad reading past the trigger warning was good for you. I always put them in anything that could be triggering for people, especially when I am sharing any specifics about my memories.
I am sorry you also experienced that fear.. I know how hard it was to have that happening. I have spent a long time creating spaces where I dont need to worry about that fear, where my boundaries are respected. So the near break in just unsettled that in me.
No need to apologize at all. I love this being a space where people can reply and validate these experiences.
Lots of time healing with a great therapist and on my own has really given me the ability to counteract all of that. I still feel it today but much stronger. I also recognize that I would have been down and out before, with healing and coping skills I was never entirely down and out. I am proud of that, even if it is frustrating to be triggered and dealing with these memories.
Thanks Woodsgnome, you have brought even more perspective to this :hug: it is great to hear from you!
Been doing more inner child work/parts work, as well as some somatic work on my own. It helps to have these skills to balance. The fear part of me that got sparked in all of this feels very young and does not really have any words. I have had to rely so much on what I am feeling in my body, and in my emotions.. Getting out of that logical thinking brain to communicate with myself on a level that the fear part of me understands. I feel like I have started to release some of the pent up energy, and through that those memories were coming back. Wanting seen/heard/ validated etc.. If I am kind and listen to what I need it gets better, even if it makes the feelings bigger and seemingly worse for a time. Grateful to be feeling even stronger today and more able to balance this wave of healing with everything else.
I am looking forward to classes in 25 days!! I can order books soon, and really get started down this road :cheer:
Love that you are being kind and listening to what that younger part needs. :grouphug:
Thank you :hug: It is something that used to be so hard for me to do, so I truly appreciate you noticing it.
wow! that's a lot of fear to be triggered. not surprised it's interrupted your sleep. i'm glad that's a bit better now.
not feeling safe is the worst, i think. it goes to the heart of survival. i'm so proud of the progress you've made, utilizing the skills you have, reaching out to your former t to help you, - you are taking life by the horns instead of sitting on the dilemma. well done, sweetie! :thumbup:
i'm really glad you haven't had to post here for a while, but not so glad that you got so triggered. that always sucks. here's to looking forward to the big adventure awaiting you in the near future! a schoolgirl one more time! it's so exciting to me to see you reach this point. you've worked hard to get here. love always, and hugs filled w/ continuing self-care and anticipation for the future. :grouphug:
It was definitely a ton to have triggered up, understanding what it was made such a giant difference. I have been doing some somatic work, and even wrote a letter to that part of me. It has help me immensely. I feel much more recovered now, I can do the bits of healing work but it is no longer affecting me all the time. All things considered I recovered pretty quickly.
Thank you so much for the well dones and encouragement, always so helpful with all of this kind of stuff.
I cannot wait until classes start :cheer: I am so ready to begin this journey, I have missed school but am so certain that I chose the write place and time for me. On a mission to help people and to hopefully make some change in the field as well.
Dropped in to say I'm cheering you on in your journey! :cheer: Fear and triggers can be really hard, but I'm glad that they're not stopping you from wanting to process and understand it.
I also have classes coming up, can't wait!! :heythere:
Thank you so much!!! I appreciate all the encouragement so much. ;D :hug:
Oohh glad you have classes as well. What are you studying?
you go, sweetie! i know this is a dream you've been pursuing for a couple years, and now, thru diligence, determination, courage, and loads of hard work, you're almost there! you wonderful thing, you! :cheer: i'm glad the fear has settled a bit, and you're feeling better. love always. :hug:
Thank you, San :hug: :hug: It has been a long few years getting to this point, so I feel like I am so ready for it. Love you lots
I'm studying art! I'm really excited to start soon. What are you studying?
That is wonderful!! It is great tou are starting your studies :cheer: I have my first degree in music performance (and philosophy) and always wished I was better at the other creative outlets.
I am starting my Masters in Social work, focusing on the clinical side so I can become a therapist :hug:
That's awesome! I'm sure you'll make a great therapist :hug:
I'm also starting my masters, can't wait!
Thanks!!
It is exciting for us both to start our Master's degrees! Big steps all around :cheer:
:hug: :cheer:
First day of classes had begun! I am so excited to start and proud of how I handled my anxieties this morning. I am noting just how much progress I have in my anxiety coping skills and my hypervigialnce/ overthinking. It is nice to recognize I can do these new things and not be overwhelmed. I have a few hours until the most exciting part of my day (my social work classes) but just being on campus is great.
:) :cheer:
I was thinking about you just today, wonderng when classes would start and how you're doing. :hug:
Awe, thank you for thinking of me BB :bighug:
I am doing well, it has been a long couple of weeks dealing with some things but I feel like I am really able to enjoy and soak in campus. Two hours until I have my social work classes and truly take the first step into becoming a great therapist :cheer: It is so odd to know that I am finally getting to start my masters and work towards that vision. I am hopeful I will learn to be an amazing clinician.
:hug: Actually, Elphanigh, you already are amazing to have finally arrived on the doorstep of the next, positive part of the dream you've struggled to have come true.
Thank you for sharing this progress with us.
Awe, Woodsgnome, thank you for that! It has been one heck of a road to get here, I do need to give myself credit for this as well. I am grateful to share this progress with everyone. I may be on the forum less, but I do always think of you all. :hug:
:cheer: Look forward to hearing from you whenever you are able. I am happy for you and excited for you too.
i love how you said you're taking 'the first step into becoming a great therapist'. i agree with you 100% - you will be a great therapist! never had a doubt. so happy for and proud of you! love and hugs always!
Thank you both! Other than being sick my first week of classes things are going well :). I do have 225 pages of reading to do before next week, which has felt like a lot but I know I am just adjusting to being back in school. It is amazing to get to read some of the theory and to start working on some of the foundational methods towards being a therapist and advocate.
San, I am starting to have faith that I will make a great therapist. It comes in waves but I am more frequently believing it. Thank you for having faith in me, even when I don't always :hug:
You most definitely will be a compassionate and insightful therapist. :thumbup: :applause:
Thank you Three Rose's :hug:
I am trying to remind myself everytime I get tired of a reading this week that is is for my future clients, that one day someone will need this information and I will have it. Hopefully that will help keep it in perspective when things get busier and more difficult.
Tonight at work a couple of my coworkers were saying how amazing it was that I was going after my Master's degree and really making a huge deal of it. I realize that I minimize how awesome this is. A master's degree really is a big accomplishment, even just getting the chance to start one. I forget sometimes to give myself credit for all that I am trying to do.
QuoteA master's degree really is a big accomplishment, even just getting the chance to start one.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: :applause: :applause:
Thanks for celebrating that :hug: :cheer:
dang, sweetie, a master's is HUGE! especially since you had to wait a year before beginning it. too many times that momentum of being in school can get lost if we don't continue immediately, but you've done that, overcome that hump. you can be extra proud of yourself for that! :cheer:
you will remember all that's pertinent for your clients when the time comes. you have that kind of mind - it can sort thru info, take what's relevant, leave the rest. your clients will be some of the lucky ones, of that i have no doubt. you are doing so good! remember to take breaks when you need them, tho - that's a lot of brainpower being used when hitting the books. ems is always with you, will wrap you up so you can just even get a few minutes rest every so often. love you, el, sending a hug filled w/ gleaned wisdom! :hug:
Thanks San, I had just lost perspective on how big a thing my masters was. Not everyone gets to do this work. I graduated with my undergrad over two years ago, almost 3 years so it has been s long gap. I always wanted to go back but I needed to do my own healing first. I would not have been ready for this kind of study without it.
I am trying to take breaks as I can, especially while recovering from being sick. It is a ton of reading and note taking. Trying to absorb information about theories and relevant fundamentals that I will need. I am hopeful my mind is a discerning as you take it to be.
At the moment I am really noting how difficult this transition is. Going from no school to jumping into a challenging masters program is a lot of change. The reminder of Ems is really helpful today :hug:
Hi Elpha,
Wishing you the best, and hope that you feel better soon. You've got a lot of work to cope with, all that reading and note taking, so be kind to yourself and I hope you enjoy it. Lots of change to adjust to, and sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you Hope :hug: I am starting to feel much better, just a little bit of the sickness left :cheer:
School is pretty well in full force after the long weekend. I am honestly finding the transition back a little more difficult than I thought I would. I love the concept of school, always have, learning and growing is something I adore. Having been gone from it so long though makes this transition back difficult. I am not really sure how to completely adapt to being back, I know I will, but it is different to jump back in and so fully at that. I kind of expected it to be like riding a bike but it is more like a language, things are familiar and you remember enough to get by but not to feel proficient. It is a much larger learning curve than riding a bike again would be.
For the survivor part of me it is unsettling because it brings up the feelings of not belonging, uncertainty, and dealing with unknowns. It is just intimidating and slightly anxiety inducing. I am doing well to put it in perspective most of the time, and be patient with myself as I learn to succeed in this environment again. I know it will come back, and I will find my balance. This is a big change and I deserve a bit of time to find it.
It does not quite feel real yet to me, even though I have been sitting in classes and doing all the work related to it. That surrealness may be affecting my ability to adapt to this. Eventually it will settle in I imagine.
ON a different note, my philosophy minor is coming in handy here. I am able to think and understand a lot of theories because I was taught them from a different perspective. It is intriguing to see the across subjects. I absolutely love it.
I do also note that, especially with my more clinical classes, that it is like breaking the third wall in theatre. Having been through therapy extensively, I am seeing it now from the therapists' perspective which feels like third wall breaking. Lots of "oh that is what she was using, or maybe that was her thought process etc.." Kinda cool too be honesty, but definitely an odd feeling. It is nice to be able to see both sides though.
Anyways that has been a look into student life for me. It is weird to feel like I am in a completely different life from the one I was living three weeks ago. I know it is not entirely separate, but it is like being thrust into a different stage of life in the matter of hours basically.
Thanks for the update, with details of how it's going, your realisations etc. I wish you the best going into the future too :hug:
Quote... it is like being thrust into a different stage of life in the matter of hours basically.
I can only imagine how unsettling that would be! Best of luck to you! :hug:
Strange as the immediate awe at the new situation seems, you still seem grounded enough to not be totally overwhelmed either.
I love that 'third wall' phenomenon you describe and how it's helping you add another perspective to the tough times you endured to even arrive at this point. In short, it's the essence of education -- yes, there are instructors but there's also your own heart's view of your new dreams to contribute to a world that needs you.
Here's to further discoveries :bigwink:
Thank you all, I am always grateful to get to share this journey with people. :hug:
Blueberry, I will try to periodically update as I go. Eventually I know I will go back to therapy and have more to say. Also once I start the trauma part of the curriculum more will be bound to come up. I really appreciate all the well wishes for the future.
Three Roses, it is really unsettling. Initially it was so exciting, and it still can be, but it is such a large adjustment that is just feels stressful at the moment. I know it will pass but it is certainly difficult.
Woodsgnome, thank you for the kind words. I had not thought about the fact I am managing to stay mostly grounded and not overwhelmed by it all. There are small moments where I feel a bit of overwhelm but those are rare, for the most part I felt grounded enough to stay out of that.
The third wall is sooo entertaining. I feel like I get a lot from in both academically and as a survivor. I am curious to be that more as I go into more specific work the next two years.
I think the oddest thing for me is how much my survivor status has felt like part of my identity recently. I didn't notice it as much recently until school started. Now it feels like it is a giant piece of me again, that and my sexual orientation. I am not sure why the spike but I am sure I will figure that out soon enough :Idunno:
it's an all-new environment, for sure. just the masters part of it - it's not like undergrad. that may account for some of the difficulty w/ getting back into it - it's a different world than you're used to. like riding a bike w/ a basket in front to now riding a bike w/ gears. it's still a bike, but a very different kind. it'll take a bit of getting used to, i don't doubt, but i'm sure it'll get there.
i love that you're able to break down that 'third wall' - great concept. getting to see therapy from a different side. it worked wonders for me, is what allowed me to get away from that narc t i'd been involved w/. i was finally taught what real ethics in therapy looked like, and discovered she had none! it saved my life, i don't doubt that. so, yeah, it's a monster change of perspective and therapeutic knowledge for someone who's actually gone thru therapy.
i know you're having little faltering steps here and there, but i know you'll get steady on your feet in very little time. so glad your philosophy is working for you in this, too. that's great. you are amazing! love and hugs, always. :hug:
Thank you so much for validating all of this, San! :hug: It is nice to hear that from someone that gets how different grad school is, I was starting to question my own feelings on it. Thinking maybe it was just me and my own ability to handle the new pressures.
I am glad you got to be saved by the new perspective. It is giving me a lot of appreciation for my old T, who was very ethical and used things so seamlessly. It is a lot of information and I can tell her instincts were so ingrained with this stuff.
I will eventually feel a little more steady. This past month has presented me with a lot, not just school starting. I am working on just staying organized and ahead of the game so this starts to feel more natural and normal to me again. Lots of love :hug:
Hi Elpha,
You have had a lot to cope with this past few weeks, and I hope you can give yourself credit for that, because it must have been hard to adjust to so much. Sending you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Hi Hope, that was really encouraging. :hug: It took me quite a while to give myself credit for the difficulty of this transition. I really have had to recognize that change is difficult and I am working to cope with a lot at once.
Thank you for noting it :hug:
Hi Elpha,
:hug: to you.
Hope :)
Thank you Hope! I keep meaning to update here but never quite have the time. Things are super busy and challenging right now, but I am doing all that I can :hug:
It means the world that you
Hey, Elph, keep up with the challenge, follow your instincts -- so far, your courage and resolve are shining examples of taking that all-important next step.
While the destination may fade in and out, the important part remains -- that you're following your heart's desire.
:hug:
Thank you for the encouragement Woodsgnome :hug: I do miss this place, but I know that I am focusing my energy on the newest adventure. It is a lot to do, so as I read some here I rarely respond or write for myself. I do think of everyone though
Thinking of you Elphanigh. :hug:
Hi Elpha,
Thinking of you too. :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you both :grouphug: It means a lot to come here and see that. I will try to post an update soon
I keep meaning to come here and update but I don't feel like I ever have much time in my life for anything anymore. Grad school is rewarding but beyond difficult to keep up with. Right now I just want some food and solid rest. I am almost done with my first semester of my master's program, just about a month left and that includes Thanksgiving break! It is crazy how fast time passes. It is also crazy the amount I have to finish before the end of the semester, it is truly daunting.
There have been a great number of wins though :cheer: I don't celebrate them nearly enough but I try to give myself at least a few minutes to celebrate them when I can. Things like the fact that my lowest grade on any assignment or exam this semester is still a 95 percent (most everything has been straight 100s) this will be a great buffer for my long term gpa. I also feel like it really validates that I am in the area that I am meant to be. I am succeeding and really showing my strengths. I have my practicum contract for next semester worked out, and am being given a research position that will give me a coauthor credit on current research! That is the dream, or at least a step towards it.
All the wins are overshadowed by the stress and time crunch of grad school if I am not careful though. Honestly, I have to rely on others to help me keep perspective sometimes.
Okay now more for the trauma and emotional stuff:
This time of year is really difficult for me because there are a lot of really difficult anniversaries (i.e. deather anniversaries, trauma event anniversaries, and extra reminders). It has meant more triggers, memories, and nightmares. Honestly, the nightmares are the worst of it because my sleep level already suffers because of strss from school. They are slowly getting better as I am working on some grounding stuff before bed, however, my memories have been stronger for a few days.
I believe the cold weather and snow are triggering memories from last February when I was assaulted in that hotel room. It has brought up more sexual abuse memories than I am used to having. I had gone a really long time without them being quite this prevalent in my life. With that, I am working to find a new therapist for when I get back from my vacation (I finally get insurance in my state.. took forever). I am reluctant to get a new one after having such a great relationship with my old therapist.
I need to go back though, it is normal to not want to teach someone new about my life. I know I need to go back but it is difficult and I worry about my ability to balance it with school and work. Although, I know as someone that is studying to do that very job, that therapists should be able to help and be aware of limits on clients based on their outside life. I can't go in as deep or as intense as I did previously because I am at a much different part of my life.
Okay, I will right more later but my focus is going. Thanks for reading and being here :hug: Know that I think of everyone here
Thanks for stopping by with an update. I know you're deep into the academic swirl with all its ups/down and ins/outs, besides still trekking away from the previous paths that, well, at least aren't indicative of where you are now, mostly thanks to the self-work and motivation to stay with the new road.
Here's hoping for your continued growth with all that you've shared. Parts of it might still seem rough, but the signs of a bold turn in your road are very evident. :hug:
Thank you for reading Woodsgnome :hug: It is always amazing to hear your thoughts and encouragement on all of this. It is a lot to take on, but you have given me some perspective on my progress.
Dear Elpha,
Just wanted to wish you the best for your studies, and I know this time of year is challenging for you - with all the Anniversaries, but I hope very much that you are doing ok, and I wanted to send you a hug of support, and hope that you are doing ok :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, you are so kind to come here and check-in! I have been planning to come and write here. I have two weeks left of the semester and they will be very intense but I am glad it is almost time for Christmas Break :cheer: Overall things are good here, even if stressful and anniversary filled. I have been doing pretty well with it as a whole. I also think with some good news I received that I am able to keep perspective on all of the stressors right now.
Now for the news sharing, I will try to keep it short:
1. I just got back from vacation in Hawaii, and it was beautiful. I loved every second of it and felt like I found a place that was serene and peaceful in ways I can't quite describe. It felt like that place just fed my soul and heart.
2. My family was good on that trip. My M apologized for some of her faults and really does seem to be making major changes in her life. I felt like I had a lot of things from her that I needed to get. It was very healing and I am still working through all the emotions surrounding it.
3. School is crazy but going well! I still have impeccable grades and feel like I am absorbing so many new skills. I cannot wait to dive in more to some of the topics next semester.
4. This is the biggest one and I am still really in the processing stages. I found out yesterday that I no longer meet the criteria for Ptsd, that given a scale or a test that no one could formally diagnose me with it anymore. It is a label that I have had for a really long time and one that I did not believe I would ever truly shed. This does not mean that I will never have issues or memories because I definitely do, but it is a sign of so much healing work culminating in the reduction of the effects of my trauma on me. It has come in waves of emotion and realizations, which I think will continue for a while. For me what resonates the most is that I can fully believe that my trauma is not a life sentence, that the people and things that happened do not define who I am or what my life gets to be. I recognize it no longer gets to have that control and really hasn't for a while. I get to choose to live a full life and to not be limited because of other peoples' actions.. it does not make me less capable of things than anyone else. I finally believe those things into my bones basically. I could write a million more words on the subject but will refrain for now as I know I am still reeling from the news and that my emotional brain is still rather invested in it.
5. Oh, I also found a new therapist and have my first session with her on the 17th. I am hopeful but also apprehensive of it but I am really going to try to go in open-minded. I also got granted a research position in the field of ACEs and Intergenerational trauma that I am thrilled about pursuing starting in January.
Anyways that is my update for now. Thank you all for being such a part of my journey even if I am not posting here as often :grouphug:
Wow! Elpha, you're an inspiration. I'm delighted for you. :cheer: and :hug:
Thanks for the update. Big news on many fronts. Happy for you and your continued growth and healing.
Thank you both! It is really wonderful to have all this good new to share :cheer:
Elpha, these words: " ...my trauma is not a life sentence"; along with the other news and good vibes you shared, are most impressive and it was so good to read that.
Keep it up. And hope you get on well with the new therapist and all the developments ahead. :hug:
o my dear el, that's such great news! good luck w/ your new t, and enjoy your research position - it sounds fantastic!
i'm so proud of you for all the work you've done, the effort you've put into it, the determination and perseverance to get thru some mighty rough times. well done, you! :thumbup: i can't fully express how happy i am for you - you're amazing!
love and hugs filled w/ learning! :hug:
Thank you so much, San :hug: It is great to hear from you, I really should post more. The semester is almost done, I have 9 days left! :cheer: I cannot wait for a break
Wow, Elpha! That is some progress :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: I'm so happy for you. You have done a ton of work to get to that place :hug:
I am really glad to hear from your Blueberry :hug: :cheer: Thank you for validating my progress and hard work <3 I have honestly gotten so absorbed in school work I have kind of forgotten to celebrate amd recognize it as much as it deserved
hey, el,
hopefully school's done for the holidays and you can take a break, enjoy yourself a bit. you've done a remarkable job so far. :yes:
love and hugs to you! :hug:
Hi San,
Thank you for the loves and hugs! I have a paper to finish (have a short extension on it) but will officially be done tonight. I am looking forward to a few weeks off of school. I have lots of goals for the break, but one of them is to relax and have some fun.
I start my field placement on the 7th (Or 8th) and then classes on the 14th so I have a few weeks rest. I will be working but not an extreme number of hours and I won't work on Christmas at all which is tremendous :cheer:
I hope you are getting to enjoy yourself as well. Miss you lots!
:hug: :hug: :hug:
you're in my heart, el, as always. i'm glad your work is nearly done, and that you don't have a crazy amount of hours on the job over the holidays. :cheer:
i miss you, too. love and many hugs back atcha! :hug: :hug: :hug:
Always glad to be in your heart, dear friend. :hug: I am excited for the holidays, although they feel a little odd this year. I have not gotten to start celebrating as early as I normally do because of school. I think it is just a shift in mindset that I have not yet made. The break will be amazing, although I am certain it will feel all too short.
Congratulations on your first successful semester of grad school. Enjoy your break.
:fireworks:
I am coming here to write, although I am not certain quite what will come out. I have not felt compelled to write here in a while. However, since I am pulled that way now I will certainly do that.
Guess, I will start with an update :Idunno:
I started my internship this week and had my first day with face to face clients yesterday. That feels like a huge step that is moving me towards my future career. It is admittedly a little overwhelming so far but nothing I can't handle. I think with all the new knowledge and experiences I am just trying to absorb so much at once. Like yesterday was the first time I have ever worked with clients in my life... that is huge :cheer: I was able to be kind to myself when I came home last night needing a bit more self-care to go after everything. I took the time to really digest the information that came in and process what it felt like to be with clients. I do see how in the moment we can listen to traumas and feelings without allowing our own into that space. Focusing on the client and then needing to do our own work outside of that space. I think this particular internship will really help me learn to do that efficiently and find more what works for me.
I start my research position on Monday! I am stoked for this as well. I was granted a job working on a research project concerning intergenerational trauma. Specifically, the effect that the ACEs that parents have showing effects on their children. It is really fascinating work and I will be able to say I am coauthored on it when all is said and done. I believe that will be a huge step into being able to research and publish my own work one day.
Classes begin on Tuesday as well. I will spend time in seminars, practice with groups and families, and research methods. It should be a bit of an easier class load than before but with my internship hours and the need to work on starting my thesis, it will certainly be busy.
I am determined to do well this semester as I did last one, and really absorb as much information as I can. I am trying to be a sponge to soak every bit that I can up. Anything I can pick up gives me that much more knowledge for my future clients.
On the survivor front, I have a new therapist and really like her tbh. I have not met with her since she got my files from my last T so I am curious as to how she reacts to all of that, but I think it will be positive. We made some goals and have a direction to go in. I have decided to slow my way into things and work on self-care goals as well as working through difficulties with some guilt feelings I have. Eventually, I want to work on some sexual abuse memories but I know as I am transitioning into this new schedule I need to be a little more careful of my energy. I only have so much emotional and physical energy to expend. EMDR takes a large toll on me so I want to see if I will have space and ability or if doing something more like talk therapy and ic work would be wiser. I am glad to be back in therapy but maintain some caution about it because I have to. I do school, volunteering, interning, researching, and working... it is a lot and I try to maintain a life as well. I feel like all of that means I need to give myself the chance to feel all of this out. The last thing I need to to go into overwhelm or burnout. I am proud of myself for being so protective of myself and my well being. There is a time I would not have done that.
I know this is already relatively long, but I am also proud of how I handled some things the last month or so. If you remember, last February I was sexually assaulted. I am coming up on the year mark in a little over a month. So right before Christmas, I was in a place identical to the one that everything occurred in, and then I saw the person two days later. I was able to work through it without any major setbacks and be able to enjoy my days still. It took a lot of energy but I was kind and gentle with myself which I thought was really telling of my work.
Anyways I am reaping the benefits of the progress I have made even if memories are coming up some. I am nervous as I move forward but feeling more and more that I am in the right field in my life. This will all happen and it will be beautiful.
I feel like there is always more but I am going to stop here for now. I wish I had the energy to come here more often, and even more to have the energy to read others' posts here. I do always miss you greatly. :hug: :hug:
What an inspiration you've been, Elphanigh, :) :) :).
Thanks for the update, which confirms a lot of the admirable qualities I'm referencing: determination, willingness to learn and keep on while avoiding burnout; plus being attuned to others and their needs as you undertake your internship and research project.
Then re-entering the world of therapy to further deal with your own issues -- which once seemed almost unbearable and awful to contemplate doing anything resembling what could be called 'progress'.
All of this and more makes for an impressive new start for you, but also an inspiration for those here cheering you on.
Words, again; it feels rather powerless to only have them, so I'll risk this -- a deep :hug: -- and leave you with wishes for all the best for you in this exciting endeavour you've created from what once seemed so desperately futile.
Congratulations and take great care of your precious self.
I am proud of you too. You are making wise decisions and showing kindness toward yourself.
Woodsgnome, your words always mean so much to me; never doubt their power :hug: That being said I love the deep :hug: It means the world to have you alnog on this journey with me. Thank you for all of your kind words here. It is still crazy to hear anyone call me inspiring tbh
Notalone, thank you so much! I really appreciate that as well :hug: It is good to have validation in the things I am choosing to do for myself in this process.
you are amazing, el. you've come so far, continue to progress, and are readying yourself for the future - sounds like you have all the bases covered! just, wow! so impressive.
being able to manage seeing your abuser is so huge, especially since it was near the date of the abuse. well done! :thumbup:
and i'm glad you found a t you like. it warms my heart that you want to make the decisions about the course of your therapy - that shows how far you've come, your confidence in yourself in knowing yourself and what you need, and your strength in being able to make those needs known. great insight on yourself as an individual!
all i can say is i'm so proud of you - you are an asset to your community and making a positive impression on your world. you are someone to be reckoned with! and i say that in the most admirable way. love and hugs always, my dear el. :hug:
So encouraged by your accomplishments! You're a great example that we are able to rise above our trauma and succeed. Don't worry about not coming here or responding more often - you are responding in real life and, as I'm sure you're aware, your recovery takes first priority. :hug:
Those words mean the world coming from both of you :grouphug: You both mean so much to me. I am glad to be seeing progress and able to still be working on my own healing within this new chapter.
Three Roses, thank you for saying I am responding in real life. That truly resonated with me and where I am in my life right now. I am working so hard to be able to help others like those here and to have a lasting affect in this field.
Sending you both so much loving kindness :hug:
So I know it has been over a month since I have come in here to write. I do think of this place a lot but have not had the words or energy I guess. I started with a new therapist whom I like very much just before the first of the year which has been great and my old T has been really helpful in that transition. I came here more to write about the last few days though.
For anyone that was here with me last year in the aftermath, it has been a year since I was revictimized. Well, it was a year yesterday. I find that I am a good deal stronger and more resilient than I thought I would be, but I also recognize how hurt I still am over it. Something like that really shakes you to the core and it certainly did me. I worked really hard with emdr and other therapies to minimize its effects, which I am really glad I did as it seems to have worked really well. NOt to say this isn't painful or difficult, because it is. I can't really express the pain that still sits with me. It is not always active but it still sits there and comes in waves as this anniversary has taken its toll.
I find that what sticks out is the grief around it. I don't feel angry, or anxious, or scared... I just feel hurt. The kind of hurt that "sad" just does not cover. It is a deep heart-wrenchign ache that is deeper than sadness. It is a loss, a big one, of what felt like years of freedom in a way. The body compeltely resets every seven years or so and I had gotten to and celebrated that mark. alst year took that from me again. It reminds me how little control I have over people's actions, even with all the healing and strength I have now. It reminds me how fleeting some of that progress and freedom can be. I know it doesn't take those years of freedom away but it kinda restarts the clock for me. So I am at one year again, six to go I guess.
What also strikes me is how much that voice still matters to me. I know my worth and my value do not lie in the things others have done to me. It doesn't exist in their actions or thoughts.. but in my own self. However, the voice that hurts over losing that year marker is still pretty loud. I want to know I can protect myself and that it will never happen again... to know that I could be free of it forever. I know too well though that I can never guarantee that for myself or anyone else. Life isn't that predictable or controllable and it never will be. So i find myself fighting the voice that says it will always happen again. I fight to try to remember it is possible to live without those things happening, and to remember that I deserve a life free of it. Even if it happened I still deserve it. I want to believe I can have that life free of it, but I have a harder time beliving in that hope. I am generally a beacon of hope for other people and it is hard to have the hope for myself at the moment. I think that is what is hardest. I have always dreamed, hoped, and lived on that. So having it in question is painful to the core of who I am.
the people who have hurt us have no idea just what kind of impact they've had on our lives, on so many levels. i just began finding that out while working w/ my t (just before she had surgery), discovering how much was taken away from me that i, too, continue to try to correct. i didn't know about the 7 year cycle, but i've got about 1 1/2 yrs. in since my last big wound. hopefully, we will be able to whittle that cycle down so the impact is not quite as intense and profound as time goes on.
i'm with you, el, as is ems, embracing you, wrapping you up in her voluminous skirts, shielding and protecting you while you regain your strength and power. :bighug: i hate those kinds of anniversaries - i wish i could forget them as easily as i forget friends' birthdays and the like. love you always. :hug:
Glad that you have a new therapist that you get along well with and that your old T is helping with the transitional period.
I don't have many words today, but I just wanted to say you sound like you know what's what in your life right now, that you have an awareness. I hope you find that it's a good thing.
Thank you both for the responses. I apologize for not coming back sooner... life is super busy and hectic right now. :fallingbricks: I am feeling less heavy about the anniversary as I am having to go back to life functioning in a way that I can't do with that weight fully. I do feel as if I am completely exhausted all the time. I have therapy on Thursday but that feels ages away still. I was reminded of what my life is kinda like lately when I saw a post and really needed to reflect on it... It said something along the line of "just because someone carries the weight well does not mean it isn't heavy". This felt so true to my life right now. The weight of everything I am doing and experiencing is so extremely heavy. I am carrying it with as much grace and strength as I can, which generally comes off as I have it together and am so strong etc... reflecting on the fact that just because I come off as such or can carry it well does not mean the weight is any less valid or heavy.
I carry a heavy emotional weight with my trauma. As a student, I carry the weight of school expectations and pressures. As a future practitioner (and one that is practicing currently), I carry the weight of my clients to a small extent and the need to ensure I am as competent and helpful as possible. I carry the hope and inspiration that others expect from me. Not to mention the things I carry for myself and those close to me. It is a lot of weight and it has been extremely heavy recently (even though I have put things down as much as I can)...
I guess all this to say, I am glad to have seen that quote when I needed it. Sometimes I forget that the fact I can carry the weight well and keep going does not mean that it is not heavy or important.
So this represents what I feel even if it is not what it looks like from day to day:
:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :stars:
i so hear you, el. right beside you, holding your hand. maybe we can help share that heaviness. sometimes, like tonite, it feels like more than i can bear, even tho i look and speak like nothing out of the ordinary is churning inside.
that's a great quote, and i'm glad you wrote it here. i want to carry that one with me in my pocket everywhere i go.
with you all the way. love and hugs, always. :hug:
Thank you for responding San :hug: I think we can share the weight sometimes too. Maybe together it isn't so heavy?
I am glad I could share a quote that resonated so strongly with you as well! Always happy to hear that.
Sending you lots of love and reminding you that ems is always there as well to help carry this weight during the difficult times. :grouphug:
That is a lot of weight and it is significant and important. You are important. What you are feeling and dealing with is important.
Reading that made me nearly cry :hug: :hug: Thank you, Notalone. I needed to hear those words so much. It is so hard to feel heard and important right now. Kinds like the people in my life don't always respect just how heavy this is and it feels lonely.
we're here with you, el, even when you're feeling lonely. as i was told by another member, we've got you. love always :grouphug:
Thank you dear :hug: I am always grateful that you, and others here, have my back even when I feel lonely. I really do think I am just burnt out on some level which is difficult to keep working through. I will continue to do so, even if it is hard though. I know all of this will pass eventually, however, it is taking a large toll atm. I get to go visit a friend of mine next weekend which should give me a good deal of relief as far as the stress that comes with being in this space. For now, I have to recognize I am grateful for a lot of the things that are also draining me. It is a really counterintuitive sort of thing but that's okay.
are you doing too much? just being concerned. i know you have school and work and various other activities - is there something you could back off a little for a while? i'm glad for you that you're getting a weekend with a friend, and i truly do hope that helps. sometimes that's exactly what we need.
sending love and a hug filled with stress reliever, perhaps some lavender spray to enfold you and allow some of the stress to be released into the universe! :hug:
Thank you for being concerned, it means a ton. :hug:
Short answer is yes I am doing too much, and no there is nothing I can back off on. I stepped away from the only things that I could already. This semester is like a perpetual * week for 4 months because the hours they require of us. Sadly, I cant back my work hours down any outside of school right now because of finances.
The few days out of town will do a lot, but honestly I will just need to push past until the semester is done.
I love your hugs, especially filled with stress relief ❤ :hug: :hug: