Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Tee on June 23, 2019, 04:55:32 AM

Title: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on June 23, 2019, 04:55:32 AM
I have never been much to ask for help to write things down.  When I say the things in my head out makes them some how more real.  If I keep quite if I shut my mouth, and stop writing maybe it's just in my head.

When I started down this road It was because my perfect box that held my emotions, my memories, and the whole of who I am except for Paulina version of myself that I made when I was 6 to live my life for me. 

My life got stressful and and my box imploded.  My eldest adopted son got in trouble with law. My daughter was two and becoming her own irritating person.  My world was in chaos which made it so Paulina couldn't handle things anymore. I had to start raising from the depths of my dark box. 

**TW**
The things that came out of my box first were flashbacks of the year I was groomed and brutally raped and beaten on an almost daily basis.  Some more gruesome than others.

The Paulina side of me started counseling. After about a year the crap the jerk did to her was made into a time line.  She told my NM.  You know what she said after I told her all the horrible things he did to me. She said," you know it's your fault because you lied!"

This is as far as I can go tonight. :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 23, 2019, 12:49:52 PM
you went plenty far, tee, and i give you all kinds of credit.  i've heard many people say the same thing about writing their history - that it makes it real, and therefore more difficult to face.  but, you did it, and that's a big step, to my mind, on the road to recovery.  well done!   :yes:  this was a great first step, and every step counts. 

i disagree w/ your NM.  i don't believe any of that horrible abuse was on you - it was not your fault at all, no matter what.  groomed is definitely what often goes on w/ these situations, and those predators are cunning at choosing their prey.  thank you for sharing.  if i may, i'd like to send love and a hug full of caring and acceptance. 
Title: Re: Tee's first journal (Trigger Warning)
Post by: Tee on June 23, 2019, 03:03:33 PM
Thank you san.
**TW**
You see I say NM now but when I told her I was still in denial and repressed about having any other trauma except this year of that had happened.  So after a year of therapy and uncovering/reliving through flashbacks the horrors of that year that my Pollyanna side has lived through I go to tell my mom the plan was to just say I'm in therapy because when I was 15 I was raped.

Well when I said this there was no emotion from a person that I've watched cry at TV commercials. No concern no comforting words no nothing? So I kept going giving details that I'm not going to put here still nothing. When we got to the end of the Pollyanna side of things I got "well it's your fault for lying"

I almost lost it how could my mom not care? She only cared that I lied about where I was and always said I was fine!

I don't get it!

Well this is about the time I let my counselor start to see me.  I started flipping backing and forth between Pollyanna and me. I had what is called a fractured personality.  Pollyanna would lose time and not remember what happened when I was around. I was really angry and not use to being around at all. So all emotions were overwhelming came out as aggressive and angry and I started going through my rape timeline with rest of the year off horror.

I thought this is why I was screwed up because 15 a demon wrecked me.  I call him that because I don't want to swear on here cause it's not allowed. Only to find out through continued therapy and being stuck in unbreakable loops that it goes much deeper and earlier.  For a while I thought I was the fracture that would eventually go away through healing.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 23, 2019, 08:58:10 PM
i'm so glad for you, tee, that you're being able to get this crapola out. 

no, you're not the fracture.  we've been fractured by others, wounded, broken, hurt, shredded - whatever applies - but it was someone else, or more than one someone else who did it to us.  i'm just glad you're in therapy and finding your way through the horror of what was, all the way to the source.  you used the word 'groomed' before - it's exactly how i see it, and that grooming could have only taken place because we were somehow set up to be groomed.  just my perspective on all this.

hang tough, tee - we're hangin' right beside you.  sending love and hugs   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on June 23, 2019, 09:05:02 PM
Abuse is never the fault of the abused. That's just what abusers say to make themselves justified in giving in to their evil desires.

Strength to you, Tee. Good for you in speaking up for yourself.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 25, 2019, 04:39:33 AM
i'm glad you were able to get them out.  i think jasmine is a beautiful name.

please, tee, your abuser is the one who did the damage, not you.  it's on him.  his shame, his blame, his guilt.

keep taking care of you.  loops are difficult sometimes - i'm glad you're doing what you need to do to help get un-looped.  well done.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on June 25, 2019, 09:23:03 PM
To broken to be seen.
Story to bad to be written
Stuck in my head on repeat
Trying to move forward
Thrown away to many times
What's the point :disappear:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on June 26, 2019, 05:01:05 AM
How to put in words the darkness of your soul
The parts so hidden broken by time
Time spent trying to simply find control
To make sense of the chaos that's taking it's toll

The heartache and anger the hurt and shame
Tearing me apart from the inside out
The hurt so deep but without a name
But how can I manage to not take the blame

As a child I felt out of place so alone
Unseen and unable to feel
Stuck in a family but not a home
With nowhere to turn but my own

I hated that I felt could not feel
That my emotions were wrong
That the hurt was not real
But wounds forgotten still don't heal

How do you tell a child to not cry
To be happy that you'll see her again
When her best friend had just died
It twists the thought of God into a lie

How could I wish that I was lost
That someone was searching
Looking for me no matter the cost
That I was wanted but loss

How to allow my heart to feel
I can't be mad at my parents
The fact that day after day I'd reel
Just wanting to be seen why can't I deal

The hurt that I let continue cause they were blind
By being their good little girl
A friend that stepped across the line
But I pretended everything was fine

Shattered by the life in a lie
A disappointment to God and parents
Losing my virginity to that guy
Unable to live but not strong enough to die

Dragging me down I'm stuck in a loop
Memories and flashbacks of beatings
The jerk killed my baby so low to stoop
To keep control of this invisible little oops

Wishing to be seen in some light
To be able to ask for help
Tired of hiding the daily fight
Broken more and more each night

Split into two by the broken part
To keep my lie hidden in there dark
With the lies that sink deep in my heart
That kept stuck in the lie from the start

The shame and the hurt that run through head
The struggle to heal with twisted emotion
Would anyone care if I ended up dead
Would they shed a tear crosses my mind as I lay here in bed

If God supposedly cares what happens to me
How can the hurt continue to wreck
To rip through my heart soul why can't I see
An end to the pain that seems a constant to be
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on June 27, 2019, 04:37:00 AM
Heartbreaking. Sending you a compassionate hug, Tee. You are a valuable person, worthy to be heard, known and loved.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on June 27, 2019, 06:47:34 AM
Thanks notalone.

Having a rough time one of my anchors is away at camp this week. Which I'm sure he's having a blast. Not having my kids with me though is really hard.  What's worse is the anxiety building up as my baby girl will be going to camp next week.

She is truly my strong anchor a hug from her or a smile can bring back to the present at least for a bit.  Again I'm sure she will love camp. She is bubbly and out going the way I should have been had I not been so total screwed by my NM. I'm sure she will have a best friend before I drive away as I'm doing her off.

My T keeps telling me how amazing it is that I'm being the cycle and doing it right. That my kids love me and know that I love them.  Which I do love them more than my own life.  There have been times that they are the absolute only reason I'm still here.  I'm not sure why they love me though.

Tonight I went to therapy and she said that we have to reparent me because the voices in my head lie to me.  I'm not sure how to turn off the screaming voices in my head.
**TW**
Yelling telling me I'm worthless trash.
I've been working all night since I got home cause my stomachs been tied in knots and I feel like screaming or or hitting the wall or curling into a ball.  Cause I'm my head over and over I hear my NM telling me how dumb I am, and I'm worse than trash.
**Trigger Warning over**

So she said we will start reparenting next week.  But that I have to make the choice to listen to and trust her over the voices in my head. I guess we will see what happens. :Idunno: :stars: :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 27, 2019, 12:45:36 PM
what your t is proposing sounds good to me. 

one thing i've discovered along the way is that when the original premise is wrong, the beliefs are subsequently distorted.  those lies we heard when we were too young to logically process them, see them for what they really were, wreak havoc w/ our belief system.  we grow up believing untruths as if they were real.  it is difficult to turn those around cuz they remain, as you said, screaming at us from a time when we were too vulnerable to scream back.  just my opinion, of course.

good luck w/ the reparenting.  i hope it's helpful for you.  i'm glad for you that your t sees it as something that could be beneficial.  sending love and  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on June 28, 2019, 02:30:21 AM
 
Quote from: Tee on June 27, 2019, 06:47:34 AMBut that I have to make the choice to listen to and trust her over the voices in my head. I guess we will see what happens. :Idunno: :stars: :'(
Tee, my T has to tell me things over and over (he says, "as many times as you need to hear it"). You heard lies from your Mom for years so it will likely take time and hearing the truth from your therapist over and over. Be patient and kind to yourself.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on June 28, 2019, 03:08:42 AM
Thanks notalone and San for your kind words and support.  I try to be patient and give myself time to work through stuff.
  It's hard to stop the voices, and flashbacks. **TW**
They usually start with at this point my NM telling me how stupid I am, and how could I XYZ then it switches to my other abuser saying very similar things but adding more more physical abuse than my NM ever did.  Those flashbacks also have the sexual crap too.
**End trigger warning**

I'm so tired of fighting the war in my head. The Issue I have is that Everytime my therapist starts telling counters to the"lies" that run through my head from my NM. She will say I'm not dumb because I'm able to get A school.  But my brain will then come with ten other reasons why I am dumb. And it's that easy with everyone of "lies". I'm just so tired.

For the past two years I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night and most of them are riddled with nightmares or flashbacks. Some nights I get less than 2. I'm ready to be done I just need a pause button. :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 28, 2019, 04:45:07 AM
i've been there, done that, tee, about being so tired and ready to be done w/ the battle.  many times, i've written just that in my own journal.  just want to let you know that you're not alone, and to keep going - it really does eventually get a bit easier. 

hearing those pos. messages, like notalone mentioned, over and over from your t and from people here will help the process of quieting those lies you were told.  it's helped me a lot, and, yes, it does take repetition and time, but the pos. stuff eventually begins making headway.  you definitely are not stupid, or you wouldn't be understanding about c-ptsd, wouldn't be understanding what's being said to you here.  you're quite smart enough, for sure.  maybe you did something they didn't like, or made mistakes, but that has nothing to do w/ your intelligence.  we've all been in that boat.   :grouphug:

i think you're doing a really good job of tackling all this.  take breaks when you need to, but know that you're not battling this stuff alone.  sending love and a hug with a mirror that reflects that gleam of intelligence that's in your eyes.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on July 01, 2019, 08:02:04 PM
just popping by to give you a compassionate hug, if that is alright?  (And it's totally okay if a hug is too much)

It sounds as if your heart is breaking all over again right now in this phase that you are at. I hope that with your work alongside your T that you'll find ways to not listen to the destructive voices so much. It's so very hard, but I'm sure you can do it!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 01, 2019, 08:59:32 PM
Thank you san and sceal I appreciate the support and hugs.  My little hugger is away at camp and that's adding to my stress.  Missing her so much but know she's having a blast. She called today said she's having fun and loves me.  It's hard to hold her back. Kids grow up too fast. :aaauuugh:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 02, 2019, 04:51:48 AM
they do.  i'm glad you got that call - hearing her voice and having that reassurance can go a long way to easing the distance.  you're a good parent to let her go, too, even tho it causes you distress.  well done!   :thumbup:

hang tough, tee - she'll be home soon.  love and hugs to you!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 03, 2019, 03:29:24 AM
Got to go see my girl at camp tonight. :cheer:. She refused to come home though.  I knew that was going to happen. She was have too much fun.  I spent a couple of hours at camp with her, before a final hug and leaving her again.    :wave:. She's having fun! 

Feeling a little better after seeing her, but still kind of spinning.  Will be happy when she's home. 

If only my crap would stop cycling through my head.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 03, 2019, 05:16:06 AM
so very glad you got to see her, get that hug from her.  i'm really glad she's having a good time.  good for you on being able to let her stay and have fun.  she loves you, of course, and she loves playing w/ kids her age, too.  both are good for her, and you are wise to be able to respect that.

ooooh, cycling crap - hate that stuff!  away with thee!!!  i hope it eases up for you very soon.

keep taking care of you as best you can, sweetie.  love and hugs!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 03, 2019, 10:05:49 PM
 :cheer: Glad your daughter is having fun and that you got to see her.
Yep, hate the spinning.  :spooked:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 03, 2019, 10:23:02 PM
Tee,
Without knowing it you helped me today! It helps me stabilize to be around my son, so I went and got him early from school today.  Thanks for the idea
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 03, 2019, 10:39:44 PM
Hugs deepblue glad to help! :hug:
My kids help ground me for sure.  I miss them when they aren't around. I know it's important for then to have them experiences though so trying to let them grow and be normal.  Instead of having to deal with my issues. :Idunno:

Just applied for a new job that would allow for me to spend more time at with my kids.  Hoping it works out and I get it. It would make school this semester so much easier to less hours a little more responsibility but I think I handle that with the less hours and being able to see my kids more. So here's hoping.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 03, 2019, 10:41:45 PM
I'll join you in hoping. 😉
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 04, 2019, 11:41:49 AM
good luck with the new job, tee.  that sounds like it would be great for you.  and kudos to you for allowing your kids to be kids and not to be the adults for your issues.  you are showing great courage and being a wonderful parent.  i know it can be difficult, but you are showing great strength in this.

keep hangin' tough - we're hangin' right beside you!   love and  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 04, 2019, 12:45:54 PM
Hi Tee,
I would like to add another supportive and gentle hug, if that's ok  :hug:  Also, good luck with getting that job you've applied for.  I hope you get it.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 04, 2019, 05:08:01 PM
Storm is raging today.  My T is great and pushes me to face the parts that I still struggle with.  She wants me to tell here what plays in my head.  She says if I "tell" the lies lose Thier power.   The problem is not of all of what is in my head I can put into words.

Some of it is specific things that happened that play like movies in my head flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse that happened when I was 3-7 but others are just a feelings, emotions. That I can't put into words.

She says I have to trust that she is safe and that my NM can't hurt me anymore.  And I do trust my T is just hard to break the crap I've ingrained with my whole life. :stars: :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 04, 2019, 08:08:37 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 04, 2019, 08:58:06 PM
I've considered things like trying to draw my feelings, or writing a story to express past events. The characters in the story don't have to be you, they can be made up people or even animals.

EFs that have their origin from a time in your life before you had words...well, they don't have words. You can try asking yourself, "If a baby felt this way, how could an adult explain or put a name to these feelings?"

Just kicking around some ideas -  :Idunno:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 08, 2019, 01:17:23 AM
Stupid triggers everywhere. On the way to and from from work the same song came on the radio.  "Because of you" by Kelmy Clarkson

The lyrics ...
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I feel like I should send this to my NM in explaination as to why I want nothing to do with her.  Struggling today.  Then I get home to find out that my Husband and kids ended up having lunch with my parents and my NM told my husband that she doesn't get to talk to me anymore. :spooked:. That's because I want nothing to do with her. :stars: :disappear:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 08, 2019, 09:57:54 AM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 08, 2019, 02:09:27 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 08, 2019, 04:20:17 PM
Is that the Kelly Clarkson/ Reba song?

I find it hard to cry too and to express emotions.  You are not alone in this.
:grouphug:  we are here
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 08, 2019, 10:12:03 PM
hey, tee,

sounds like you're struggling with issues around your nm - those can be some of the toughest to face.  maybe your t wants more from you than you're able to give right now, and you're getting overwhelmed by the thought.  perhaps you can talk to her about that, if it fits.  just a thought.

hope you are able to get thru this messy part quickly.  i've been thru this kind of stuff a million times (or so it feels).  eventually you'll be able to break thru.  please, give yourself time and trust the process.   you've got loads of support here, too.  sending love and hugs full of 'we're with you' thoughts.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 08, 2019, 10:44:55 PM
Thanks San yeah my T doesn't really push my mind just never stops if that makes any sense.  My T has told me several times in my journey I should slow down and take time and my mind say bunk that.  She has also said I've ten years worth of work in two and come such a long way! Whatever that means.  I wish my brain would let my pause or slow down or box the crap back up for a while in exhausted.   :stars:

However I don't think it works that way so I keep plowing ahead. One positive my T thinks we've finally gotten through all the layers of it so now it just sorting it out and dealing with I guess. I mean I haven't told her all of the stuff my NM has done but that's where we are at. :Idunno:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 08, 2019, 11:07:19 PM
i get it.  i've done the same myself - or, at least, my mind has.  i've been thru that exhausted phase several times as well.  i found it hard to slow down cuz i wanted to keep going, put this beast to rest, and i'm an action person so the thought of letting something be, or saying 'well, i'm ok the way i am' was a foreign concept.  i think that comes from childhood - i was always pushed to do more and do better - 'average' wasn't allowed.  it's a tough way to live.

i've gotten a little better in later years, but i still push myself.  still, progress is progress, right?  glad you've gotten thru all the gunk - i think that's huge!  from one who has a hard time realizing this, may i say it's ok to take your time?  we'll get there.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 09, 2019, 09:46:43 PM
Starting to spiral a bit. :stars:

So tomorrow at 1 I have what I believe to be an interview for this be position I really want. 

The problem is my head is telling me all the reasons I'm not going to get it.  Then on top of that.  There are like two people in my current department that have been no calls no shows and aren't going to come back.  Long and short of that is the department I'm currently in is a mess which means even I do well in the interview and they want me for the new position I think the old position can refuse to let me go for up to 30 days.  which I think is not fair but would be my luck and then the new position could pass on me and  get someone they could have now.  :'(. But this would be my luck. 

I don't know ever sense I started I've heard rumors of how the kitchen sabotages people trying to transfer out so I'm just worried that I'm not going to be able to get out even though I really want this me job. :'(

Well keep your fingers crossed for me I'll try to stay positive. And I'll let you know how it goes.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 09, 2019, 09:52:31 PM
Sounds like the only thing you have control of right now is doing the best you can in your interview. Rooting for you. Let us know how it goes.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 09, 2019, 10:20:09 PM
When I'm second guessing myself, I find it helpful to make a list of things I CAN control.

Best of luck on your interview 🤞🤞🤞
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on July 10, 2019, 08:50:38 AM
Try to remember to breathe.
I hope it goes all well for you, and that it'll be solved!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 10, 2019, 05:50:20 PM
Well this meeting went well.  She is going to pass my name along to the recruiter that is in charge of interviewing for the position that I want before the interview with the manager.  So I guess that's good  :cheer:. She said she would push me to the front of the line. And talk to him today.  Trying not to get too excited though. :stars:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 10, 2019, 05:57:50 PM
That's great news! So glad you had a good meeting  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: MoonBeam on July 10, 2019, 09:57:12 PM
Most excellent news Tee. Just take it step by step and keep showing up, just like you have. :yourock:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 11, 2019, 12:51:12 AM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 11, 2019, 01:48:25 AM
Thanks everyone!
One thing went well today while everything else is falling apart.  My school apparently has had some sort of glitch and I got a bad grade because she said I didn't do part of an assignment.  I know I did though I know I did. I emailed her I don't know that she'll change it though cause my computer also screwed up during my test today and missed to questions on because of the way I scrolled up because I was starting to freak out so I clicked the page instead of the scroll bar which changed my answer. :'(

Plus had to talk to my NM today which set off a nice spiral. I don't want to be here any more I'm tired of hurting.

I'm losing tonight I just want to be done with everything. :'( going to try to sleep and see if tomorrow is better
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on July 11, 2019, 09:25:23 AM
I'm inviting you to come and sit beside me today, to just look out at the view of the lake and the distant mountains. Listening to the birds and the odd car driving past. Sipping some coffee or tea.  Just, generally, away from everything and everyone.

A long, long time ago my Lady T taught me to start creating a safe space, a mental safe space. One that is mine, and belongs to me. For some it's an invisibility cloak, for some a cabin up in the mountains or forest. For some it's a force-field around oneself where no one can penetrate. The point of it is to escape there when things get too hard to deal with. Sort of like a daydream, but more powerful.
It takes time to practice this, time to find the right place for you. But I promise you, it is worth looking for it. Then you have one place that no one can hurt you or take away from you. Because it exists within you.
I had forgotten about this for a long time, but recently remembered that this is a thing.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 11, 2019, 11:59:33 AM
Thank you sceal I'll have some tea  :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 11, 2019, 10:04:49 PM
Sitting with you Tee  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 12, 2019, 02:01:01 PM
tee, have you ever visited the healing porch here on the forum?  it's a beautiful, magical place where we often go when we need a break, need to find our footing again, or just want to rest for a bit.  here's the link  https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11166.0.  you can find it under Community Corner/Creative Expressions/Other.  i've used it many times, and it's always been helpful when i'm feeling   :stars:, 

sending you love and a hug filled w/ lots of support and stability and rest,
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 13, 2019, 02:46:05 AM
So my tornado spins on.  Was on a big high earlier, because my information has been passed on to three hiring managers two of which are the mental the health tech positions and one is a secretary.  So what's wrong with me?😖😥

Today also starts my vacation I'm spending the night with my daughter at my aunt's house who is the only family that's been supportive and understanding and taken my side.  I'm sitting on her couch shaking half dreading the "fun day tomorrow" we are going on a boat, after painting pottery. Both are things I like to do but I'm not sure what wrong with me I'm not in a good place. 😥

Then when we get home tomorrow evening I have to pack myself. and then make sure everyone else has everything for our week long vacation. That we are suppose to leave for on Sunday morning.  I really just want to curl into a ball and disappear.

So many things are suppose to be good right now. I don't know how to stop the crap in my head so I can enjoy it.  Right now the shaking is kind of freaking me out.  :disappear:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 13, 2019, 04:29:11 AM
 :grouphug:

i hope you're able to enjoy your vacation, and good luck w/ the job.  i don't quite understand what you wrote about the hiring managers and what's wrong with you.  maybe it just matters that you know.  as far as i know, nothing's wrong with you.

keep taking care of you as best you can, tee, ok?  sending love and a gentle hug.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 13, 2019, 10:50:39 AM
Thank you san
We have a big HR department the your stuff has to get through and the managers of the different departments actually have final say over who they hire of the applicants that HR gives them. So I made it past HR which is good. And I should be :cheer: the what's wrong with me comment was just that I'm not.  I'm still really struggling even though good things are happening. I feel like :spooked: :disappear:
I've been waiting for vacation with my family and I am so low right now I'm not sure how it's going to go. :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 13, 2019, 11:40:38 AM
sweetie, as you probably know, this journey has its ups and downs no matter what might be happening in our lives, pos. or neg.  it sounds like you're going thru a rough spot.  do you think it could be an EF? 

one foot in front of the other, one step, then another.  i'm glad you shared about this here - i don't have any words of wisdom, but i can send you a hug filled with caring and support.  possibly as you actually go on vacation, leave the real world behind, you'll begin to feel better.  the anxiety and anticipation of this job application process is a big one.   maybe this break w/ your family is coming at just the right time.

hang tough, tee.  we're hanging right beside you.  love and  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 13, 2019, 12:04:44 PM
Thank San
I guess it probably is an EF.  I'm new to understanding and I identifying the EF?

:stars: just don't know what do about it. :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 13, 2019, 01:55:43 PM
Tee, you could try Pete Walker's EF management: http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm  It's perfectly OK if you just manage Step 1 (or even no steps - it might not be the correct method for you).

Or what I try to do sometimes is think of and do the easiest manageable activity that's beneficial for me and then go from there. That could be coming on here to read around and posting; wandering into the garden to see what's growing and to smell some flowers; washing a few dishes (that often turns into more dishes); even going back to bed with a book or a crossword puzzle. You might well have totally different examples.

Or you could just remember to keep breathing and that the EF will probably pass on its own in time. Though I can't tell you how long it might take to pass.

:hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 14, 2019, 07:27:51 PM
Hi Tee,
I hope you're managing to cope - it's hard to negotiate the way through EF's, but the information that Blueberry has passed your way - from Pete Walker is helpful - I hope it will help you - and whatever you do to cope, I wish you the best with it.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 15, 2019, 11:46:04 AM
I'm trying it's hard to take care of me right now. I'm just so tired of everything. :'( thanks everyone for your hugs and support.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 15, 2019, 02:56:29 PM
Well on vacation with my kids and husband.  Going to try to make some good memories.  Still really struggling and having to fake a smile at the moment. 

A the great Wolf Lodge for 3 days with a 11 and almost 7 year old it should be a blast.  Just trying to stay in the present.

Wish me luck that I can let the done of the EF fade so I can enjoy the joy my kids are having.  Off to the pool.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 15, 2019, 03:49:50 PM
very much good luck be with you so you can enjoy all this.  sometimes we do 'fake it till we make it' kind of thing, but you never know - it might become real after all.  staying in the present sounds great.  enjoy!  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 15, 2019, 05:06:13 PM
You are not alone,
The EFs have hit me on vacation before too.  Fake it till you make it right? Hopefully you won't have to take that smile much longer.  Hopefully you can enjoy the vacation and make memories as you say.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: MoonBeam on July 15, 2019, 10:28:03 PM
Sending some peaceful, calming thoughts your way Tee. Hopefully the sun breaks through the clouds and the warmth will spread and the moments will feel good and bring joy.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 16, 2019, 06:32:53 PM
Hi Tee,
I hope you're able to enjoy your holiday - I know it's tough, and I'm sending you a hug of support, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 18, 2019, 08:04:36 PM
So my vacation has been better than my normal day to day because I haven't had the stress work and school.  However, it hasn't been the refugee I was hoping for.  :'(. I've been struggling to sleep, and stay present in the moments and adventures with my family. 

On Tuesday I about had a full blown melt down because my kids were having to much fun without me and didn't want to do the slides with me at the water park. I almost started crying in the middle of the water park cause I felt left out. How dumb and manipulative is that. I was going to leave and go back to the room and forget going in the water.  In stead I fought back the tears and rode a slide on my own came back and told them there was no wait and how much fun the one slide was so then we all ride a couple of slides.

TW
It's so hard to fight with crap in my head telling me see your kids don't even want you. When things like that happen. ???  I know that isn't true they know how much I love them and they live me too. The crap just starts in and it's so hard. 

End TW

We went to the zoo yesterday it was hot, and then today we went tree climbing hot again.  I think it will be memories that they will have for a life time.  Tonight we are going to play videogames which more up my son's lane.

I try so hard to not manipulate the way I was when I was a little.  It so hard because the use of manipulation is what I grew up with.  When I feel my self start down that path it majorly triggers me though. 

Hoping I can sleep tonight and then of the vacation goes well. :Idunno:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 19, 2019, 01:03:01 AM
You are improving your children's childhoods from what you knew, and making lasting memories with them that they'll cherish. This imo is the essence of recovery. Bravo!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 19, 2019, 03:09:28 AM
Quote from: Tee on July 18, 2019, 08:04:36 PM
On Tuesday I about had a full blown melt down because my kids were having to much fun without me and didn't want to do the slides with me at the water park. I almost started crying in the middle of the water park cause I felt left out. How dumb and manipulative is that.

It's certainly not dumb and I'm not even sure that it's manipulative. It sounds to me more like an EF. ime (based on limited time with my godson - I do not parent 24/7!!) it can be really hard to be there for a real child while also taking care of/healing Inner Children. I've had melt downs with my godson as well. I apologise and he knows I'm not quite as well as his parents, he knows there are things he can do with them but not with me, also that they have better stamina (emotionally and physically). He still accepts me and likes to come and visit or spend time with me if I visit his family.

Quote from: Tee on July 18, 2019, 08:04:36 PM
  In stead I fought back the tears and rode a slide on my own came back and told them there was no wait and how much fun the one slide was so then we all ride a couple of slides.

:applause: on fighting back the tears in that place and finding a different solution. In that situation I see a much younger Tee who felt left out, but was brave and strong enough to try something on her own and then persuade other people of the advantages.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 19, 2019, 03:25:18 AM
Thanks 3R I'm trying I feel like I'm failing miserably as they tend whine about more than they seem to like but I try.

Thanks Blueberry I'm not sure I can take care of anyone anymore. I feel like I should stop trying at times  :'( it hurts too much when I always fail. Today there was two activities and that should have been fun that ended up with frustration and whining not sure it was worth the money or effort?😥😔
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on July 19, 2019, 05:26:30 AM
I think that you are strong, fighting to be present and to avoid using the behaviour you grew up with. It's difficult!
I hope you get some rest in-between it all and that you do get you have some guilt-free fun with your children.

:hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 19, 2019, 07:40:25 AM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 19, 2019, 02:30:44 PM
tee, breaking the cycle of what you went thru in order that your children don't end up in the same pot of stew you've found yourself is huge!  it is so difficult, there are going to be major ups and downs, but, quite honestly, i don't see these downs as failures.  we will slip, we will slide, and we will stumble as we do this, but the fact that you keep getting up, doing something different, problem-solving is a testimonial to your courage and effort in making this change - not only for your children, but for yourself.

please, be patient with yourself.  none of us, do recovery perfectly, but we do keep learning along the way.  that's what you're showing, both to yourself and to your family.  you totally deserve some credit for that!   :yes:

sorry those other activities weren't exactly as you would have liked them.  i do hope you can relax a bit, enjoy yourself, get some sleep.  i know you've struggled while on this vacation, but i see a fighter in you - warrior spirit!  sending love and a hug filled w/ fun and frolic.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 19, 2019, 03:49:21 PM
Thanks San
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 19, 2019, 11:29:19 PM
I echo everything San said too Tee
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 20, 2019, 01:14:33 AM
Well we made it home from vacation safe. To find my computer on the fritz so I couldn't do my school work that I have to tomorrow by 11:55 to complete. :Idunno:

I'm not sure what to now just spinning into Oblivion.  I have to work in the morning too.  I guess I'm just going to try to breathe for the night and I'll try to figure out school when I get home from work tomorrow. :stars: :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 20, 2019, 07:33:23 AM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 20, 2019, 01:52:49 PM
 :hug: sending virtual hugs to you!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 20, 2019, 03:51:46 PM
i'm glad you made it thru your vacation.  now it's back to the day-to-day stuff.  bummer about your computer.

one step at a time, sweetie.  sending love and a hug filled w/ perseverance.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 20, 2019, 05:47:39 PM
I understand how hard it is when on the outside things look great and I feel like I should be happy, having fun, etc., but the inside feels like chaos; fear, anger, sadness. At those times the inside is matching my past, not my current outside. (Probably an EF as others have suggested.)

Quote from: Tee on July 18, 2019, 08:04:36 PM
On Tuesday I about had a full blown melt down because my kids were having to much fun without me and didn't want to do the slides with me at the water park. I almost started crying in the middle of the water park cause I felt left out. How dumb and manipulative is that. I was going to leave and go back to the room and forget going in the water.  In stead I fought back the tears and rode a slide on my own came back and told them there was no wait and how much fun the one slide was so then we all ride a couple of slides.
When I read this, I pictured little Tee standing alone in the middle of the waterpark and felt sad for you.

Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 22, 2019, 03:38:11 AM
Struggling tonight not sure why. Can't sleep can't think can't breathe! Want to be done with hurting
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 22, 2019, 05:26:26 AM
Hmm... Could it be you're in an EF? Try this link and see if it seems to be a good fit -
http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

We care about you. You're always one of the first to be supportive! Here's a hug for you if you want one.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 22, 2019, 05:47:03 AM
Thanks 3R  :'( it probably is an EF or my ICr destroying before I can be crushed by not getting the new job I want. Or because I missed therapy last week because of vacation, or because I was stuck in a loop on vacation.  Who knows going to try to sleep again.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on July 22, 2019, 06:39:23 AM
I hope the painful feeling has passed.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 22, 2019, 03:12:09 PM
i hope you got some sleep, tee, and that poopy ICr stands down and lets you alone!  thanks for sharing - i hope that helps let out some of the neg. stuff for you.  sending love and a hug filled w/ a pooper scooper.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 22, 2019, 04:56:41 PM
Thanks didn't sleep much still really struggling. 

So now I have two voices in my head. The really super over excited one because I have an interview with the hiring manager for the position I want Wednesday at 12.  And the ICr say don't be stupid they aren't going to pick you you're to messed up to working there. :'( and round and round they go.  Pulling me in two me head is screaming.  Nothing good ever happens to me.  And Everytime it looks like it might horror ensues. :'( Then I hit the wall and just want to crash into a real wall.

I am trying to stay positive and keep excited. I'll let you know how it goes.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 22, 2019, 07:07:11 PM
fingers crossed and prayers flying for you, tee.  a pox on that ICr!  i wish it would leave you alone.  best to you on wed.  hope it goes well and smoothly for you.  you are valuable, don't ever forget that!  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on July 22, 2019, 07:31:33 PM
I think it is really important to keep nurturing that positive voice. Keep it loud inside of you, and shoo the inner critic down. You don't need that one right now. Tell it, you don't need it's help right now, you need it to support you and be positive.
My Lady T says that the inner critic comes from a place of wanting to protect ones self, it's just that it gets so loud, and so negative and so strong all to easily. And it is hard to let it know that right now, things are safe. you don't need it's protection in this case.

Fingers crossed for you, dear.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 22, 2019, 08:43:01 PM
Thanks San and Sceal I'm trying to not let the darkness cave in. It just hard. Everytime something seems to be heading in the right direction for me there's always something really bad around around the corner this the ICr screaming don't get too excited isn't going to happen. :'( :Idunno: my head feelings like a war zone. And I'm already trying to battle an EF. :disappear:

Going to keeping hoping for this job though it's what would make so many other parts of my life a little easier. :yes:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 23, 2019, 02:13:59 AM
I hope the inner battle calms down for you. Wishing you the best on Wednesday. Take a deep breath. Now another. Rooting for you.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 23, 2019, 08:45:54 PM
I'm rooting for you too, Tee!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 23, 2019, 08:59:26 PM
Thanks🤞
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 24, 2019, 05:21:42 PM
Well interview is over now I have to wait and see she said she has a couple other interviews and should make decision be the end of next week. :Idunno:

So who knows
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 24, 2019, 08:06:40 PM
Thanks for giving us an update. Glad the interview process is over. No matter what happens, you are precious.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 25, 2019, 01:46:15 AM
Fingers crossed for you! 🤞
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 25, 2019, 04:57:05 AM
Thanks notalone and 3R I'm trying to hope too.

Had therapy tonight. It's hard trying to believe that I have worth besides working my but off to provide for my kids.

My T is trying to get me to see and internalize that if my NM patterns haven't changed and she would in fact treat my kids the same as she treated me then it's her not me that has the problem.

The thing I struggle with is she loves things just not me. We always had pets that treated better than me, she does " ministry" helping the community it was college kids when I was young, now they do a clothes closet and food pantry.  I just want good enough to love.

My T says my logic breaks down because my kids are good enough to love.  And she would treat them the same as she treated me.  So I guess I can see were it breaks down, but I don't know how to stop the hurt. As write this my heart is hurting and tears are welling up in my eyes even though I rarely cry. I don't feel good enough to love, when my kids love on me I feel like fraud. I'm not sure how to change this feeling. :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 25, 2019, 02:21:51 PM
so very sorry about the pain you're experiencing, tee.  that's horrible.

i know one reason you're good enough and have plenty of worth - you're here.  even tho you've been wronged, you have found it within yourself not to wrong others.  your hub and kids love you because of who you are - kind, supportive, caring, loving.  those are qualities you show on this forum every day.  and they're worth a lot!

there are plenty of people who have been wounded who don't bring their caring side out, except in other ways, like to animals, etc., such as your mom.  you deserved at least as much of the attention, care, and love from her as she gives to others.  i know that my saying so may not change this for you, but i do believe that as we keep getting pos. reinforcement, such as from the people on this forum, it all helps.  so, i'm going to keep giving this to you as much as possible.  you are so valuable here, tee, and i'm truly sorry your mother never acknowledged that for you.

sending love and a hug full of caring worth and value.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 25, 2019, 02:26:20 PM
Thank you San
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 25, 2019, 10:20:59 PM
Tee,

First, want to just hold you and bring some degree of comfort to your hurting heart.

I know this won't fix anything, but I will say it. Maybe it will take hearing it 100 times, 50,000 times, any number that it takes. Your mom not loving you is 100% her brokenness. You are and always have been worthy and deserving of love. When I read your post the picture popped into my head of a severely disable child who is unable to walk, unable to talk; a child who will be at the physical and intellectual level of an infant for his entire life. Is he worthy of love? I think I know your heart enough to know that you would say "YES!" He and all babies/children are worthy of love because he IS. You should have been loved because you are; not out of being _________ enough.

Words alone won't fix the ache in your soul. But, hopefully, if you hear the words enough, you will come to a place of believing that you should have been treasured. The brokenness was with your mom.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 26, 2019, 12:32:09 AM
Thank you notalone
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 26, 2019, 04:43:27 AM
Well finished my summer class tonight.
So that's a good thing that's done. My head is spinning :stars:

Got a ticket at work for parking in the lot I always park in. Now in not sure what to do tomorrow. :'( I actually got permission to park there because of my PTSD but didn't go through the process of having them payroll deduct because it would cost more than me just paying on the day's I needed to.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 26, 2019, 10:37:18 AM
hey, tee,

congrats on finishing your summer class.  well done!   :applause:

can you show that note to the authorities?  hopefully, that will be sufficient to let them know you had the right to park there.  best to you with that.

keep on keepin' on, sweetie.  one foot in front of the other - it's what we got, and eventually it'll get us there.  right beside you!  love and hugs!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 29, 2019, 12:35:57 PM
TW
So did some major self sabotaging last night. I was struggling to stay present and pretty sure in an EF. I don't know how to fix that except to let that pass, but was too low to do that last night.

My H has been nothing but supportive and caring and tried to give me space to figure things out and since a lot of my horrific trauma was SA he's left me alone there too.
Stupid me decides it would be a good night while in a major low of an EF to encourage my H.

As soon as his gently touched my side my IC was screaming. :spooked: :bawl: :bawl:
End TW

I don't know what I was thinking it sent me into horrible PTSD flashbacks all night with sensory and muscle memory, so not I have bruises again from my brain not my H.  I feel so dumb. :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 29, 2019, 02:39:42 PM
sweetie, please be gentle w/ yourself.  we've all done self-sabotage at one time or another.  i am truly sorry that you got whisked away into such a horrible place.  i think one of the most important things that can come out of this, instead of feeling dumb, is that you've just gotten another piece of information to arm yourself with.  we are in a battle at times, and everything we learn along the way can help us for the next time something hits us. 

i'm also very glad your H is so supportive.  maybe that's why you turned to him while in an EF.  perhaps next time you can talk to him about it first?  would that help?  i don't know, just a thought.

step by step, tee.  we're here with you.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion for yourself.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 29, 2019, 03:00:44 PM
Thanks San. Your support and hugs mean so much. It feels like I'm still shaking. I feel trapped and scared but I'm in the present there's no reason for it, but to my very core I feel like I abused little me does that make sense? Like I knew she was hurting and I didn't know how to make it stop so I just I made it worse. :bawl: :bawl:

I just don't know how to make it stop. :Idunno: :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: woodsgnome on July 29, 2019, 03:43:01 PM
Sometimes it truly does break down. We feel defeated on all sides, and then as if it couldn't get any worse we turn on ourselves too. I know that so well; well enough to realize that it may seem impossible, but if I survived what I know I did, I still hope for some way through all the shadows that cross over my trail time after time.

I hope you can choose to honor your own inner being's love and strength. Not your 'doing' self, just your being self. That being has always/already been there, and when we find it it's like finding our treasure.

For me, that's always seemed soooo hard ... but it's also sometime all I do have that's even near being reliable. This all takes so much patience it can seem hopeless, 'til finally there's a clearing breeze at hand. May this be happening for you, as you deserve it so much  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 29, 2019, 06:17:43 PM
Thanks woodsgnome.
I don't know how to calm the hurt now that I mad it worse. I'm not sure I've ever in my life felt this much pain before.  I have the physical pain from the flashbacks. But then I don't know how to explain the rest a shaking ache to the core of my being that keeps taking my breath away and triggering me back to the horrific trauma memory/flashback.  I've never had that before it hurts more than words can say. I am not sure if I can do this. :bawl: :bawl: :bawl:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 29, 2019, 06:24:26 PM
you're not alone, sweetie.  we'll help you carry that pain as best we can until it dissipates.  sometimes those triggers reach our brains and hijack our emotions before we can consciously realize it.  it sounds like you hit a core nerve this time.  can you contact your t?  maybe they can give you a more concrete way to get through this. 

are you familiar w/ pete walker's 13 steps regarding getting out of an EF?  that might help you, too.  i just know that this pain was inflicted on you by someone else - it's their blame and shame, not yours.  sitting with you while you go thru this, tee.  sending love and a hug full of gentle care.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 29, 2019, 07:21:46 PM
Thanks San it means a lot. I did contact my T she said to take it moment by moment and try to stay present. She said we have stripped away all the way to disappear and hide there's no escape anymore so now we have to face it and deal with it. That's what's hard but we will make it through.  It easy for her to say she's not the one that's being run through over and over. :no: :disappear:
I go see her again on Wednesday if I make it that long. :bawl: :bawl:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 29, 2019, 08:20:36 PM
yeah, it's always easy to tell others what we think.  we need you here, if that means anything.  we want you to make it till wed.  hang tough, tee - we're hangin' right beside you!   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 29, 2019, 08:22:20 PM
Thanks San that means alot. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 29, 2019, 11:00:41 PM
The physical and emotional flashbacks that you are experiencing sound horrible. For now, moment by moment. As you are able, take deep breaths. When I'm in a really bad place, being on the floor, holding my bear, with a blanket over my entire body and head, feels the safest. What feels safe to you? What place in the house? What position of your body? What items help to bring comfort? Here with you, Tee. You are not alone.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 29, 2019, 11:39:49 PM
My kids are my anchors. Hugging on them helps calm me unfortunately they are no longer babies and have minds of the own so.. At 7 and 11 they don't let me hug on them as much and I don't want to cause trauma to then by needing them to much. :'(
Other than that I don't really know.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 30, 2019, 12:03:29 AM
Wait until they are teenagers!  ;D Nothing makes it all better. Looking for what brings a little comfort &/or helps you to be more present. For example, right now I have a hot cup of coffee. I smell it, taste it, hear myself sip it, look at the mug and coffee (light brown because I use a lot of cream), feel the heat of the cup and the heat of the coffee in my mouth and then as it goes down my throat. I use this for grounding often. If you have air conditioning, try wrapping yourself in a blanket. I hope I'm not giving too many suggestions. I know it is really hard. I care.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 30, 2019, 12:43:36 AM
 :hug: I appreciate it the suggestions. Actually the blanket suggestion reminded me about my blanket I made for myself for Christmas last year. It has pictures of my two kids all over it.  My theory was that I could wrap up in it to help ground me to get hugs from my kids when they weren't around or didn't want to give me hugs. I haven't used it when I was this messed up but wrapped in it now hoping it will help.  Thanks for the reminder.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 30, 2019, 03:17:20 AM
Love your blanket. Brilliant. Please add my hug.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 30, 2019, 03:29:55 AM
 :hug: Thanks notalone still really struggling. Going to try coloring and then going to bed. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 30, 2019, 01:11:35 PM
I'm not where I should be the physical pain when I move is still triggering. And my little are still upset but not as bad as yesterday. 
My T said that the reason everything is so intense is because I've not felt the full emotion of fear since I was little and split and was able to hide from it. 
And that now I have to teach my IC is ok my H isn't going by to hurt us. We don't have to be afraid.  Not sure I can do this yet still just trying to stay in the present and keep from getting sucked back into flashbacks and stuck in the loop.

All the love and support yesterday is so appreciated. I'm so glad I found this place to be seen. Thank you all. Trying to make it to Wednesday when I see my T. :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 30, 2019, 02:58:09 PM
may i add some weight to what you need to hear?  this is to tee's ICr:  tee is beautiful and strong, so get off her, leave her alone.  she is doing what she needs to do, and doesn't need you to muck it up for her.  tee has a warrior spirit that has been helping her through all this, so get out of its way.  she deserves her own space and the feeling of warmth and safety.  get back to where you belong, cuz ragging on her is not your place anymore!!!

don't know if that will help, but it came from my heart, and has strength and power behind it.  hang tough, sweetie.  we here with you, caring about you, wanting only the best for you so you can make it to wed.  i think your blanket is a wonderful idea, and a great substitute as your kids grow older and further out of your reach.  you have this innate sense of problem-solving, and this blanket is proof. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and caring and angel wings to fan the fear away.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 30, 2019, 03:36:00 PM
Thanks San.  I actually talked out loud to my IC last night.When I went to bed last night I started freaking out :aaauuugh: And I told myself out loud."it ok, it's going to be ok we're just going to sleep is ok."  :'(  then I hugged my pillow and tried to go to sleep. I still didn't sleep very well and had flashbacks but that's the first time I've been able to talk her. So I guess that's a baby step in the right direction.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 30, 2019, 05:15:48 PM
Well to add to my feeling of horrible self loathing uselessness.  I didn't get the job either. :disappear:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 30, 2019, 05:39:11 PM
sorry to hear this, tee.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 30, 2019, 08:20:33 PM
Tee,
Sorry that you didn't get the job.
Focusing on trying to stay present right now seems like a really good goal. One moment at a time.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 30, 2019, 09:48:58 PM
I am not sure if I can make to tomorrow. :bawl: :bawl: I just got in trouble doing my job well because it took to long. I can't keep going it's too much is all too much. I thought I was close to being out of my current situation but now they are making up * to keep stuck where I am.  I can't do this.  :bawl: :no: :disappear:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 30, 2019, 10:29:16 PM
hang tough, sweetie.  less than a day to go.  we're with you!   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on July 31, 2019, 12:50:48 AM
One moment at a time. Do whatever you need to do (that is healthy and not self-destructive) to get through the night. Standing with you, Tee.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 31, 2019, 01:02:50 AM
My daughter just say on my lap and snuggled while we watched frozen. That really helped but still really struggling. I don't want to be here anymore. There is no point. Thanks for the support thought I was going to be ok.  But then the crushing of dreams and getting in trouble for doing my job my ICr is going crazy and triggering me to feel useless unwanted trash :bawl: :bawl: :bawl:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 31, 2019, 01:17:23 AM
You are in the middle of circumstances that are not set in stone, things can change in a day. We're here to listen and support you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 31, 2019, 04:40:59 AM
 :yeahthat:

one minute, one more, one more and it'll be tomorrow.  you are valuable and important to us and your kids.  never forget that.  love and  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: MoonBeam on July 31, 2019, 05:05:32 AM
Heart felt  :hug: to you Tee. We'll get through this. It will lift and tomorrow is a new day. I'm with you, understanding 100%.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on July 31, 2019, 06:29:20 AM
Sounds so difficult to be where you are right now. I'm sending you all the warmth I can.  :hug:, if that's okay
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on July 31, 2019, 07:37:09 AM
Sending you  :hug: if that's OK. You're not alone. You're valued and worthy.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 31, 2019, 02:22:55 PM
 :cheer:  you made it to today - well done, sweetie!!  hope it goes well for you with your t.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on July 31, 2019, 03:16:39 PM
You made me smile San. Thanks for cheering for me waking up.

Thanks for all the support. Everyone not sure how I'm going to make it through this but I'll keep trying. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 31, 2019, 11:25:17 PM
Sending  :hug: :hug:  :grouphug: and strength from OOTS to keep on keeping on, minute by minute. We are here for you.

I'm sorry about the job.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: MoonBeam on July 31, 2019, 11:37:14 PM
Wanted to say I'm thinking of you Tee. 

Sending you a  :hug: and deep compassion for what you are going through. We're here with you.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 01, 2019, 01:15:38 PM
Thanks everyone still really struggling made it to therapy though that helped a little. Your support here helps more than you know. Not sure I'll be post much though trying to stop the looping and self loathing. :'( :stars:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 01, 2019, 01:29:16 PM
I'm right there with you today, Tee, with the self loathing. But we don't deserve loathing, we need compassion.

You post a lot on others' threads and are so supportive. Make sure you keep some of that support for Tee.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 01, 2019, 05:41:01 PM
i agree w/ 3r - you deserve your own support and compassion as you're going thru this.   you're amazing!  love you!   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on August 01, 2019, 06:40:43 PM
Tee, understand the looping and self-loathing. The truth is that you are worthy of care and kindness. I hope this is okay to say and brings you comfort and not distress; I am praying that you feel God's comfort and compassion.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on August 02, 2019, 03:49:42 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sunflower38 on August 02, 2019, 05:54:56 PM
Three Roses is right! You deserve that support from yourself, and you have all of the support from us! :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Deep Blue on August 03, 2019, 12:57:06 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 03, 2019, 09:29:03 PM
I've been cycling through possibilities of how life is going to go as school starts back up at the end of the month.  Since I didn't get a different job.  I'm already working 40 hours and not seeing my kids much.  Well they will be going back to school too.  So I will get even less sleep.
  I'll have class and then go directly to work they will be in bed by the time I get home.
I won't see them.  I won't have time to do home work, and my one day off will be my clinical day which I'll work 8 hour doing psychosocial OTA stuff.  This semester on its own out side of work and not seeing my kids is potentially going to be very triggering.  So with less sleep, no time to do school work or think, or breathe I'm not sure how I'm going to get through. :no: :Idunno: :disappear: :spooked:
I needed a three day a week job. :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Deep Blue on August 04, 2019, 01:27:17 AM
Tee,
That sounds daunting for sure.  I don't know if this will help, but when my plate is really full I try to make lists and cross stuff out on them one by one.

I know your kids help ground you as well.  Maybe you can talk with them and check in with them on the phone before your class? Just thoughts  :Idunno:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 06, 2019, 01:31:51 AM
 :fallingbricks: I'm talked to a hiring manager at the hospital today and she said had she seen my info she would have hired me. :pissed:

For some reason HR never gave her my info and she ended up after the rounds of interviewing went with a much less qualified external candidate. :fallingbricks: :pissed: :'(

:Idunno: I don't know what to do anymore I'm beside myself with frustration with work.

TW

I'm also really struggling with trying to figure out how to stop having EF and move forward with my life.  I actually had fractured personalities for most of my life.  Things got so bad that at seven when my best friend and only reprieve from home was killed in a house fire and I was beaten for crying at school I left.  I couldn't do it any more I tried to make her happy, I had tried to stay out of her way, I had tried everything and nothing mattered I didn't matter.  I realize now I was the scapegoat so it just didn't matter.  But I left I hid inside myself from 7 till 15.  When my fractured " perfect Pollyanna" side got in so bad of a situation that truly I'm lucky to still be alive. When I came back that situation got much worse because I didn't let him do whatever I fawned at first but when that didn't work I fought which again shouldn't still be alive.  I would flip back to Pollyanna when I was home though.  When that * was over I left again for the most part and only came out here and there for fun I would say I was like a computer virus scanning program running in the back ground able to take over if I wanted to and more aware during high emotion though all emotions were very muted compared to normal people.

Then I had kids and especially my daughter became very triggering to me and I could stay away. When she was about two I started counseling.  Well technically Pollyanna did for the stuff that happened at 15. About a year in a half in I introduced myself.  And about a year later screwed up reintegrated Pollyanna.  I want ready to be all alone.

End TW

And now as I read books about cptsd and people's posts about Thier inner child or children or teens I just feel lost broken and scared. Because I already put together my fracture... I'm not sure I can find the broken littles inside to fix so that I don't have to be so royally screwed up as an adult. :'(

Wow an actual tear maybe I should delete.  I don't know I might later for know post. And I'm off
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on August 06, 2019, 01:46:59 AM
Quote from: Tee on August 06, 2019, 01:31:51 AM
I'm not sure I can find the broken littles inside to fix so that I don't have to be so royally screwed up as an adult. :'(
I have found that parts become known in time, when they are ready to be seen and heard.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 06, 2019, 01:56:25 AM
 :hug: Thanks notalone sent you a private message too
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 06, 2019, 09:05:33 AM
Tee, I don't know what to say, but I'm sitting with you, and sending you a heartfelt  :hug: if that feels OK.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 06, 2019, 12:31:05 PM
o sweet tee, that may have been a healing tear.  i'm glad you left your post up - thanks for sharing.

i agree that as you continue your healing work, those fragmented parts will come together as they were meant to be.  they had a good reason to split apart - they were protecting you, helping you stay alive and sane.  i give you a lot of credit for being able to see them as they are.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion for all the littles that took on the world so that you might stay in it and be with us today, my friend.     :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 06, 2019, 02:13:24 PM
Hey you  :hug:

QuoteI'm not sure I can find the broken littles inside to fix so that I don't have to be so royally screwed up as an adult. :'(

I believe in you, and in your Littles. You're important here.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: MoonBeam on August 08, 2019, 07:06:21 PM
Hi Tee. I'm very much in the same place. Just realizing now what it means to look at inner-child work, the fractures, what it all means. I don't have a plan forward for healing and I have no idea what I'm doing, But I'm not alone in this journey and I'm learning more all the time. 
I've tried to keep them locked up, thinking I could just go forward without them, but I think I've realized that without these pieces I can't really heal. I may not know where they all are yet, but they are still there. Just because they broke apart, does not mean they disintegrated.  And now the work begins to integrate. And as others have said, they will make themselves known when it is time. When we are ready to integrate them they will allow us to heal those "creative parts of self that kept us safe."

I'm sorry to hear about work. That is very disappointing. Clearly not getting the job was not about you or your qualifications, that's a positive. I wish I had some wisdom to offer regarding management.

Hang in dear Tee. You are worth the struggle.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 08, 2019, 08:54:04 PM
I have already been diagnosed with fractured personalities.  Which is under the same heading as multiple personality disorders it's just slightly different because instead of each being it's own person it was like I had to sides like jeckal and Hyde.  I had Pollyanna and Tee. But I integrated and ended up making Pollyanna leave before I was ready. My T says I didn't need her anymore because I was ready to be seen and find hiding. :Idunno:. 

The thing that I'm not sure on is that if I start focusing on the inner child work to try and heal those really wounds that made me split to begin with I'm not so sure that I won't split again.  That's what I'm afraid of.  I've already integrated the fracture I'm afraid of finding more broken pieces, or by looking at the junk in the past creating more broken pieces? :spooked:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: MoonBeam on August 08, 2019, 09:39:17 PM
Oh Tee, That makes perfect sense and I totally understand.  My biggest fear has been, that if I gave them any space or attention at all they would totally take over, that I wouldn't be in control at all, so I've held on really tight. I've experienced what its like in the past to loose control like that, though I never had any diagnosis, so I'm not sure if its totally the same. I can relate to the fear though and not feeling in control, not remembering stuff.
Truth is for me, she came out anyway recently and it really scared me. My T addressed her directly in session and honestly it calmed her down. I got the feeling she just really needed to be heard and in such a safe place. It wasn't like I wasn't there, it was just more her running the show than me. I don't know, I think it's opened a door to a kind of healing I may not have been able to access before. I do know I haven't had to focus on it or work at it, it's just kind of been happening, honestly somewhat despite myself.
Maybe if the reintroductions are held really well with your T and done at a really safe, slow pace, if they can be, when your inner parts are ready for healing, they could come in gently and get the help and love they need to trust you to take care of all of you. I don't know.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I had something more I could offer. I'm thinking of you, holding you in my heart.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 08, 2019, 11:28:22 PM
Thanks MoonBeam :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 09, 2019, 02:16:56 PM
hey, tee,

sounds like your schedule will be brutal.  hopefully, you'll be able to take it one day, then the next, then the next, and so on.  i think sometimes when we look at something in a big bunch it can be overwhelming.  i have no doubt it will work out one way or another.

similar to thinking about your littles.  i do believe that when you're ready, as moonbeam observed, those kinds of things will happen when you're ready.  i've been working on my recovery for quite a while, have been helped by this forum for a few years, but it's only now that i'm beginning to be able to deal w/ the younger parts of me.  this place has given me the safety i've needed to begin digging in such a direction.  i think that talking to your t about it might be helpful - you may be able to get reassurance and calm there. 

keep breathing, one foot in front of the other.  i've also been one who wants to tackle all this, get it done and over with, but i've found, as many here have expressed, that slower is often the quickest way to accomplish what we need.  take your time - it's your recovery.  you will let yourself know when you're ready to move onto the next step.  sending love and a hug filled w/ small, small steps.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on August 12, 2019, 05:56:27 AM
I haven't done much inner child work myself, so not sure how that is done.
But I hope that you will be able to do it slowly so that you don't end up fracturing yourself.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 14, 2019, 02:01:42 AM
Well today was interesting.  I think I may have crossed a line into stalking the hiring manger for the job I want. 

I saw her in the cafeteria and as she was leaving I took a few deep breaths too work up the never to say something, and then went up to her introduced myself.  I said hi I'm the person hounding you about the job just wanted you to a face to go with the name and to see if you have any questions for me. Or at least that was the about the jist of what I said. 

She looked at me kind of odd and said she got my email, and repeated my schedule for the rest of the week, and then asked about what my schedule looks like next week. And said she would see if she could set something up for next week.

Well then add if that wasn't bad enough when I got off work I thought well I had printed off my resume in case I ran into her while I was delivering food, which I didn't.  So I decided that I should run it up to her on my out of the hospital. :doh:

Well. I ended up having an impromptu interview with her.  I'm hoping it went well.  I tried to let her know that I really want it and my skills that I think I could use to do the job well, but my brain froze when she asked if I had any questions. I just really need this job. So fingers crossed my psycho stalking her will pay off in getting me the job.
:stars: :doh:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on August 14, 2019, 02:04:04 AM
Tee, from what you wrote, I think the way you approached the woman was appropriate. Well done for taking initiative.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 14, 2019, 02:05:35 AM
Thanks we will see if it pays off :Idunno:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 17, 2019, 04:39:28 AM
 :fallingbricks: I have to write here cause I'm not sure how to make thing continue to work.  I'm working 40 hours a week at a manual labor job pushing carts around a hospital.  Currently really hoping that I'll get good news next Friday that I'll get a new position in the hospital... But for now for over a year I've been work hard.

My H just took a bologna job working 20 hours a week for little pay and hours that leave my daughter with no one to pick her up from school or watch her till he gets off work for like 3 hours.  He's all excited I got a job.  I said what about Sis?  He said your mom said she would pick her up and watch her.  :aaauuugh: :doh: :pissed: NO MY NM WILL NOT BE WATCHING HER ON S REGULAR BASIS! :pissed:

I just don't know what to do. If I don't get my new job now I'm not sure what happens to my baby girl.   My H new job is a after school program for the YMCA so I told him to ask if she could be apart for free if we can get her there.  If that doesn't work though :Idunno:

I can't have her around my NM that much in currently very low contact and that's because we live so close I can't really go no contact. 

Really struggling with all kinds of things from this swirling in my head. :'(

Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on August 17, 2019, 02:41:18 PM
Dear Tee, I do hope that you will get the new position you've been applying for.
It sounds like it would be better for your health if you do get it, and also for your family life too.

It sounds like you might have to sit down with your H and tell him the reasons why you cannot allow your girl to spend so much time with your NM. That you don't want to put your girl in that position, and that you will constantly be worrying and be fearful which in return will make your health deteriorate. That he will have to help you find a different sollution if your girl can't join your H at the after school program.

It's a very hard and difficult situation you are in. I don't know how much your H knows about your past or about your relationship to your nm. And if he knows nothing, or very little this might be super difficult to bring up.

I hope there is a good solution for you all in this situation.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 17, 2019, 04:00:27 PM
Yes, here's hoping for healthy options to be available soon! Standing with you, dear Tee.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on August 17, 2019, 05:33:58 PM
Tee, I bet that felt like a punch in the stomach when your H said that your mom could watch your daughter. I do hope for you that you get the new job. I think Sceal offered some good advice, although it could be difficult to carry out.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 19, 2019, 07:51:06 AM
That's an awful situation to be in, Tee. I don't know what to usefully say, but I'm standing with you in solidarity and sending you lots of gentle hugs, dear one.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 19, 2019, 12:34:44 PM
 :hug: thank you for the encouragement the hardest part right at the moment is waiting.  I talked to a friend from my D school and she will help transport but things will still get rather tricky if I don't get the job.   :Idunno:

Waiting to hear on that is making physically ill. And my head a war zone. I'm really hopeful and really need this new position and at the same time am afraid of retaliation from my current manager when she finds out if I did get the job. Cassie I'll likely have to stay for for weeks because we are so short handed.  Hoping for good news Friday.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 19, 2019, 01:00:33 PM
QuoteWaiting to hear on that is making physically ill. And my head a war zone.

I really emphasize with this. Waiting is incredibly difficult for me - I imagine it's uncomfortable for everyone but for me it makes me feel like a different, off balance, out of control person. Be as gentle with yourself, Tee, as you are with others here.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 19, 2019, 09:32:39 PM
hoping with you.  waiting can be the worst.  love and hugs, tee.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 22, 2019, 05:11:50 AM
Having a rough week on top of just awaiting my fate on Friday.  I have a manager that's targeting me and demeaning me in such a manor that I've been triggered just going into work. :'(.

She treated me like I was 5 when I was trying to go on my break.  Using a degrading demeaning tone of voice and And making comments like I was stupid.  Then she called the other manger over to "help me" decide if I should go on break. :blink: 

I'm so done.  If I don't get the new job I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I can't stay where I'm at.  It causing me to struggle so much more than it should.  And I already have all my other issues to deal with. :stars:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 22, 2019, 05:15:35 AM
That sounds awful, Tee. I've been keeping my fingers crossed about Friday for you. In the meantime, standing solidly by you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 22, 2019, 05:22:38 AM
Thanks snowdrop. I could use a hug :hug: not looking forward to trying to sleep or going to work in the morning.  :disappear: :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 22, 2019, 05:32:30 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:

I can understand that. Been in that position, unfortunately, so I know what it's like.

I'm making you a cup of relaxing tea, and sending you wishes for a peaceful rest.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on August 22, 2019, 06:39:44 AM
That doesn't sound like a very helpful or kind environment to be working at. I really hope you get good news on friday
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 22, 2019, 02:04:44 PM
Keeping my fingers crossed for good news Friday!  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 22, 2019, 10:58:42 PM
Tomorrow, right? I hope you get some good news... and that you can sleep tonight. Take care! :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 22, 2019, 11:38:13 PM
Thanks everyone for the well wishes.  Today was really rough felt sick and triggered by just being at work today.  :doh: :aaauuugh:.
Hoping tomorrow is better and that I here in the morning about the job. :yes:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on August 23, 2019, 01:23:08 AM
I hope you get the job, Tee. That's awful that the person at work is so demeaning. You deserve kindness and respect.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 23, 2019, 04:43:41 AM
adding my hopes to all the rest that you get the news you want on fri.  so very sorry you're in such a crummy environment.  hang tough, sweetie.  we're hangin' right beside you.  sending love and a hug filled w/ luck!   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 23, 2019, 04:47:48 AM
My fingers are crossed. I really hope you get good news.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 23, 2019, 05:04:37 AM
My head is raging but need to try to sleep thanks for positive vibes and well wishes I'll keep everyone posted. Hoping I can get a little sleep. :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 24, 2019, 12:22:31 AM
 :fallingbricks: :disappear: :'( well I didn't get the job not sure what to do now don't see a way out of my hole. :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on August 24, 2019, 01:15:17 AM
Tee, I am so sorry.  :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 24, 2019, 04:09:38 AM
Oh no. I'm sorry. :(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 24, 2019, 04:27:24 AM
o, sweetie, so very sorry.  love and hugs, and we can still sit on the porch for a bit if you'd like.  take a breath, just be.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 24, 2019, 05:48:07 AM
I'm not sure what to do..? When I've been in a hole for most of the summer.  Trying to get out trying to see the light trying not let it cave in on me.  I start my psychosocial semester on Monday which is the hardest for normal people pretty sure it was going to be almost impossible for me because of triggers on a good day.  How am I suppose to do it with my world caving in on me? 

I don't know what to do in at the bottom of a pit and it's caving in.  I can't breathe and I don't see anyway out. :no:  :'( :'( :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on August 24, 2019, 06:02:21 AM
I'm so sorry about the job, Tee. :(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 24, 2019, 06:02:56 AM
<fetches you tea and wraps you in a blanket>

I know things are really rough at the moment, and I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but things will get better for you. Something will come up. You'll get through this.

Make sure you take care of yourself this weekend.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 24, 2019, 06:12:08 AM
Thanks snowdrop and everyone

I'm just too broken I guess no one wants me. :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 24, 2019, 11:20:01 AM
Oh, Tee, I'm so sorry you didn't get it.  :hug: :hug: :hug: I'm hoping another opportunity presents itself soon.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: woodsgnome on August 24, 2019, 01:21:55 PM
So disappointing. You're so kind-hearted; be sure to draw on it for yourself -- always but especially now. Everyone here supports you.  :hug:   
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 24, 2019, 01:40:04 PM
Hi Tee,
Sending you a gentle hug of support, and also consolation  :hug: if that's ok.  I'm sorry to hear you didn't get offered the job, and I know you're feeling lots of things about that, which is completely understandable. 
I hope you know how much you're valued, you have been so supportive to me, and Little Hopes as well.  I hope you'll know that you are appreciated and valued here.  Hopefully you'll find a job in the future where you'll be appreciated as well. 
:grouphug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 24, 2019, 04:09:26 PM
tee, my heart goes out to you.  you are so valuable, so kind and generous.  i'm hoping with the others that a better opportunity comes along soon.  love and hugs, sweetie.   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 24, 2019, 05:38:14 PM
Thank you for your kind words and support right the only thoughts when I read better opportunity that go through my head are self harming I am not sure how to get out of the hole I'm in :fallingbricks:. I forced myself to take my kids to lunch to get out of the house cause I won't hurt them.. :no: :disappear: :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 24, 2019, 06:25:29 PM
Sending you lots of love and hugs. Sitting with you, if that helps.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 24, 2019, 10:54:09 PM
Sorry you didn't get the news you were hoping for Tee. As you can see, a lot of people here think you are great, and want you around. Just do your best to take things one day at a time, and you will get through it. Take care! :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on August 25, 2019, 01:24:36 PM
I am not sure either how you can get out of this rut you are in right now. But harming yourself will definitely not help. Big hug! It's okay to feel crushed by not getting the job you wanted so badly and you worked really hard to get it.
It sounds like a good thing that you took your kids out for food. Getting out of the house is important. I am cheering on you Tee! And hoping that very soon something good will happen that will make things easier for you.
You are a warrior. Fighting so hard!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 25, 2019, 01:56:00 PM
Thank you Sceal jazzy and snowdrop,
I'm just so tired at failing miserably at everything. My H and kids are reminding me now Everytime I open my mouth how I screw up.  Making them cry and call me a bad mom.  I'm just not sure where to go or what the point to continue to fight is.  I'm so tired and apparently am Failing at everything now.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 25, 2019, 02:28:21 PM
Sending you tea, hugs, and a blanket if that helps, dear one. Maybe rest a bit today if you can?

You're not failing. You'll get through this.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 25, 2019, 03:55:34 PM
i think you're doing the best you can, sweetie, and i believe that's never a failure.  sorry your hub and kids are talking down to you - i don't like that.  sending earth mother spirit to embrace you in her voluminous skirts, sharing care, warmth, and comfort with you, and protection from the negativity.  she has always helped me to just rest a little bit when i've been that tired that i couldn't see the point of continuing the battle.  i've also gotten help from everyone here thru their support and caring.  i hope you can grab some of what we are giving you and hang onto it.  it comes from our hearts.  love and a warm hug, dear tee.   :bighug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 25, 2019, 04:38:24 PM
Thank you snowdrop and San I'm trying :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 25, 2019, 10:28:07 PM
Tee, I don't really know what else to say, but I saw you online as I was reading this and I really wish you felt better. I don't know if it will help, but there is some truth in the saying "this too shall pass". Just hang in there. Take care! :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 26, 2019, 09:05:54 PM
Sending you supportive hugs.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 27, 2019, 05:03:48 PM
I'm thinking of you, Tee. You are important, you matter.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on August 30, 2019, 03:17:04 AM
Tee, hearing your hurt and discouragement. I know it is really hard. Hang in there.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 31, 2019, 03:34:46 PM
I want to thank everyone for your thoughts and support.  I'm sorry I've disappeared trying to hold on to sanity and not sure I'm doing so well right now.  My T said she thought it was time to get on some medication for anxiety and depression.  Well I'm now on day the of that and it's made me really shaky my migraine worse than it's been in a long time and nauseous.  I'm not sure this is worth it.  My T says these side effects will pass. But I'd rather just deal my junk than feel like this. Still struggling. 

School started it was nice to see my friend again and have something to focus on and look forward to.  Just still worried about how school and work and family is going to workout with only so many hours in a day.

Just wanted to say I'm still here and wish I had more to contribute to my friend here but currently I'm spent just trying to keep my head from going under.  Sending hugs to my friends thanks again from your thoughts and support. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 31, 2019, 04:00:30 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 31, 2019, 04:48:52 PM
hey, tee, remember you are always your first priority.  do what you need to do to stay safe and sane.  we're still here, no matter what.

i've been on anti-dep./anxiety meds, and it can take a few days for your body/brain to get used to them.  if you can give it a week, see how it is then - side effects should be lessening.  if not, let your t know.  it's good to keep that monitored.

i'm glad you've had some distractions.  i know you're struggling.  it's so hard sometimes, but know that we won't leave you, you're important to us just because you're you, not because of what you do here.  hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you!  sending love and a hug filled w/ calm for body and mind.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on August 31, 2019, 07:08:27 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 31, 2019, 04:48:52 PM
hey, tee, remember you are always your first priority.  do what you need to do to stay safe and sane.  we're still here, no matter what.

:yeahthat:  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on August 31, 2019, 07:59:15 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 31, 2019, 04:48:52 PM
i'm glad you've had some distractions.  i know you're struggling.  it's so hard sometimes, but know that we won't leave you, you're important to us just because you're you, not because of what you do here.  hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you!  sending love and a hug filled w/ calm for body and mind.   :hug:
:yeahthat:   :hug: Sending a hug filled with care.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on August 31, 2019, 08:32:49 PM
 :hug: thank you San, Blueberry, notalone, snowdrop you made me smile and feel loved. 

I'm trying to get to a better place is just show going and this medication is kicking my butt.  Hoping it's worth it.  I guess we will see in a few days if it lets up.

Thank you again for your kind words of encouragement and warm hugs. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 01, 2019, 07:40:39 AM
Hi Tee,
I'd like to add to the hugs, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 01, 2019, 03:37:37 PM
Thanks Hope :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 01, 2019, 03:49:24 PM
Day four of the new medication.  Still really shaky and feeling sick with a wicked headache/migraine.  I'm really not sure this is worth it. :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 01, 2019, 06:33:29 PM
from my experience, getting on new meds is always an experiment.  it does take a little time for the body/brain to get adjusted.  i've gone thru it myself, and i know that others on here have done the same.  sometimes one works, sometimes it's a different one.  if you need to call your t, talk about what's going on, you might be able to get some reassurance that this is a natural process of getting used to the meds in your system, or that it's out of line, and something different needs to be looked at.

just so you know, i'm right there with you, too, sweetie.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 01, 2019, 11:01:57 PM
Just another idea, you can ask your pharmacist about what you're going through. In me experience, they know best about potential side effects and such. Hope you feel better soon! Take care! :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 02, 2019, 12:46:25 PM
I hope you're feeling a bit better today dear Tee  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on September 05, 2019, 05:56:36 AM
sending you some kind thoughts and a hug
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 10, 2019, 02:26:28 PM
Thanks my friends in still not feeling myself but a bit better.  Trying to get into the rhythm of school and work is hard this semester.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 14, 2019, 06:45:18 PM
Sending you a supportive hug, Tee, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 15, 2019, 03:37:03 AM
Thanks hope.  I'm trying to motivate myself to work on a paper for school but instead am distracting myself here.  cause my kind of stuck in EF and don't really want to work.  Though I really need to.  So I think I will go try to do some of it at least. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2019, 01:08:08 PM
you're doing ok, tee.  a little at a time is all right, take a break, go back to it if that feels right.  you're dealing w/ a lot, so i hope you can be patient w/ yourself.  sending love and a hug filled w/ encouragement.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 15, 2019, 01:48:15 PM
Thanks San I was able to at least get a start last night I'll have to look it over and make changes before I submit it.  However if I don't get back to it it is technically done.  :hug: thanks for the support
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on September 16, 2019, 05:45:23 PM
Supportive hugs to you, Tee  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 16, 2019, 08:37:42 PM
Thanks 3R.
So I know I haven't been on our as active lately just trying to survive.   So on Wednesday I'm going to get psychological testing done I'm kind of nervous.  Mostly I'm going to try and see if I'll qualify for extended time on tests for school, but the paper work has all kinds of triggering questions. :Idunno: :stars: so now I'm not so sure about it.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 16, 2019, 09:02:35 PM
hey, sweetie,  surviving is a good thing - i'm glad you're doing what you need to do to accomplish that. 

do what you need to do in answering those questions.  if they're too triggering, maybe you can note that on the paper work itself.  what do you think?  or make the answers as short as possible.  i would guess that even doing such a thing would give them information on how difficult a time you're having.  make it as easy as you can on yourself, ok?  sending love and a hug full of support.   :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 17, 2019, 03:01:30 AM
 :hug: thanks San
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 17, 2019, 05:02:07 AM
I hope it goes well, Tee. Telling them that the questions are triggering sounds like a good idea.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 17, 2019, 03:37:35 PM
Yeah the issue is in going because I want documentation of my dyslexia.  But it's cheaper because it's through an University.  So the student has to do the whole battery of stuff. Even though I already know I have major issues other places, and I don't really want Thier help with that. :Idunno:. I'm going to my T tonight so she can help me fill out the papers. :disappear:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 17, 2019, 06:11:40 PM
i think that's a great decision, tee.  it should put you more at ease and help you get thru them more smoothly.  well done!   :thumbup:

love and hugs to you!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on September 18, 2019, 02:02:23 AM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 20, 2019, 11:45:19 PM
 :hug: thanks guys.  I did the testing from 8:30 to 4 on Wednesday. It was very long and tiring.  It was mostly academic though so not too triggering. Thanks for you positive thoughts. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 23, 2019, 08:45:22 AM
Hi Tee,
Glad you got through all that testing, it sounds like a very long and tiring day!   Glad you are through it.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 24, 2019, 02:06:39 AM
 Thanks yeah it turned my brain to mush for a couple of days and then I only had a couple of days to study for my school test.  However, I got an A and only missed 2  :cheer: still have to write a paper by Wednesday by 7 but it will have to wait till a little later. :Idunno:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 24, 2019, 02:19:42 AM
An A? Hooray! :cheer:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2019, 03:04:56 PM
huge congrats, tee!   :cheer:  well done, my dear.   :thumbup:  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 24, 2019, 11:01:06 PM
I'm glad you made it through. Sounds like you did great!  :cheer:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on September 25, 2019, 01:47:24 AM
Well done, you!  :cheer:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on September 25, 2019, 01:50:23 AM
 :cheer: Tee, you did great. Also, even if you had flunked, you are still a valuable person worthy of care.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on September 26, 2019, 02:16:19 AM
Thanks everyone I feel like my medicine maybe starting to help a little.  Not so low.  Got my paper done and turned in on time.  Now to try to get a little ahead. With work we will see how that goes. But overall feeling a little better. Thanks for the kind words and support. :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on September 26, 2019, 02:42:45 AM
You have so many things in your life that you are balancing. You rock! :yourock:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 27, 2019, 02:38:25 PM
Pleased for you, Tee.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on October 06, 2019, 03:27:07 PM
Had a heart shattering encounter with my eldest son yesterday.  He is 22 and I haven't heard from him in for years.  I thought he was coming over to see my younger kids and visit.  Instead he came over and spewed hate and miss guided blame saying I didn't love him, or care about him and that I gave up him. None of which is true. 

So my littles who were excited to see the big brother (7 and 11) were crushed, because they didn't barely see him but rather just heard him yelling and swearing at me.   

After he left I curled into a ball on the floor and balled and after my husband took my babies to eat.  I screamed and cried for hours.  I'm broken and crushed and don't know how to close my heart to my son so he can't do this again.  :'( :bawl: :bawl: :bawl:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 06, 2019, 05:00:35 PM
oh dear tee, i feel for you so much!  my oldest d, with whom i'm now nc, has done the same to me, so i can totally relate.  it's like our mother's heart gets pierced and shredded.  i'm so sorry this happened to you.  how horrible.  i can't say enough, except i completely empathize with you on this.  my d has exhibited this kind of behavior more than once toward me, which is why i finally decided to go nc w/ her.  it's the most heartbreaking thing.  sending much love to you and a hug filled w/ understanding and caring.   :bighug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on October 06, 2019, 05:59:55 PM
Oh Tee, so sorry.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on October 06, 2019, 07:06:40 PM
I hear your pain. I'm so sorry.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: MoonBeam on October 07, 2019, 12:01:40 AM
Tee, just wanting to send love and a caring  :hug:  I'm so sorry that happened. Thinking of you.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on October 11, 2019, 04:27:23 AM
Well I had another job interview didn't get as hyped up about this one though it's really my ideal position.  It's a night shift MHT.  I think the interview went well so now I have to wait and see.  Will let you know if it works out or not.   :Idunno: we will see.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 11, 2019, 10:29:34 AM
Fingers crossed for your job, Tee. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on October 11, 2019, 08:20:53 PM
Hoping the best for you, Tee.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 12, 2019, 10:36:27 PM
All the best Tee!
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on October 13, 2019, 02:15:47 PM
Thank you for the positive thoughts and well wishes.  Have to wait and see at this point on the job.

Today is a major trigger day for me it is the anniversary of two horrific and life altering events that are too disturbing to put into words here.  The bad thing is the flashbacks from them cause bruises and me to get stuck in loops which I usually need my T's help to get out of. :'(. The bad thing is I'm not sure when she will be available again because her mom just died unexpectedly so she may be out for a while. :'( stuck looping with bruises. :bawl:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: woodsgnome on October 13, 2019, 06:38:10 PM
Strength and hope -- sending some of each your way ... adding an all-important  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on October 13, 2019, 09:05:58 PM
Thank you woodsgnome today has been really rough.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 13, 2019, 09:21:52 PM
o my lovely tee, so sorry that you're stuck like that right now.  love you and sending all the best bruise control in a caring hug. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on October 13, 2019, 09:33:36 PM
Thanks San
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 13, 2019, 11:07:25 PM
Thinking of you and wishing the best as you go through this. Take care Tee! :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on October 14, 2019, 02:55:27 AM
Tee, sounds awful. Sending a caring hug.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on October 16, 2019, 08:09:06 PM
That sounds awful. Sending you love and gentle hugs. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 19, 2019, 11:54:01 AM
thinking of you, sweetie.  hope you're ok.  sending love and a hug full of care and concern. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 19, 2019, 06:28:06 PM
Sounds awful Tee. Sending a caring  :hug: and supportive energy from OOTS  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on October 20, 2019, 03:11:27 PM
Hi Tee, been thinking of you - hope you are doing what you can to take care of your self.  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on October 21, 2019, 02:07:05 AM
Tee, if you are up to it, I'm wondering how you are doing?
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on October 21, 2019, 05:32:43 AM
Thanks for care and support everyone. Sorry I can't name everyone. It's been a really rough week. I haven't been sleeping much and when I do I'm have horrid flashbacks. I'm trying to focus on the present and tasks at hand like studying for tests, and completing school work, which helps a little during the day to distract from the constant looping and pain from the bruises.  The bruises have started to fade so that's good. Just hoping I can get the flashbacks to stop as well before they cycle back to the intense ones that cause bruising.  I'm hanging on but not by much and appreciate everyone checking on me.  Hoping my T will be back this week still feel awful for her and her loss. :'(
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Sceal on October 21, 2019, 01:24:36 PM
It's really awful having to go through such a hard time.  Flashbacks being so violent is really hard to sit with. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Sending you some warm thoughts
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 21, 2019, 03:30:34 PM
Hey Tee, you don't have to name us all... Just look after big you and little you atm  :hug: :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 21, 2019, 03:33:17 PM
good to hear from you, but what blueberry says - we're here for you.  your focus on you and what you need is the most important, not our names.  sending love and hugs full of protections and comfort. :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on October 22, 2019, 02:56:49 PM
Thank you all found out today that I didn't get the job again.  At least I didn't get my hopes up this time. Everything else had to far down to think I would.  Still hanging in thanks for the encouragement. :grouphug: :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 22, 2019, 03:49:51 PM
glad you're hangin' in, sweetie.  we're hangin' right beside you!  love and  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Three Roses on October 22, 2019, 04:03:32 PM
Hanging with you, Tee.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 23, 2019, 10:54:08 AM
Hi Tee,
Glad you're hanging in there, and although you didn't get that job, we're all hanging with you -  :grouphug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on October 24, 2019, 12:27:44 AM
Tee, sorry you didn't get the job. You've had so many disappointments in that area.

Want to send you care and compassion in the middle of all the awful flashbacks you've been experiencing.  :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on October 25, 2019, 02:39:39 AM
Thanks I'm sorry I'm not here for you guys more right. :'( I'm just trying to make it through each day. My flashbacks and somatic symptoms are making it hard to function, and I still have school and work and kids and a husband.  I feel like I'm going insane and I just want to curl up and make my head stop  :bawl: :bawl:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 25, 2019, 05:07:23 AM
 :bighug:  angel wings to enfold you, let you rest a bit in your mind, keep you safe and secure.  still with you, and you don't have to worry about us, not for a minute.  do what you need to do for you - that's the most important.  love and hugs :grouphug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 25, 2019, 08:33:34 AM
 :yeahthat: I totally agree with san.  :grouphug: with much safe energy from OOTS to you
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on October 26, 2019, 12:06:33 AM
 :hug: Tee, wishing moments of quiet and peace for you.
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on December 27, 2019, 07:05:35 PM
This season has been a whirl wind. I was turned down for several other jobs I guess I'm stuck in the kitchen for now.  I got an A in my classes.
TW***
My friends 6 month old baby died.
End TW***
Which has triggered me, and made it hard to know how to be a friend.
Christmas was small this year just not feeling jolly I guess. I'm making but still feel like I'm not doing it right. :Idunno: :no:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 27, 2019, 10:56:16 PM
hey, tee,

my d and i had a small christmas, too, but it turned out that was just what we needed.  i think these holidays are as individual as we are, and whatever or however we do them is what's right for us.

so very sorry about the baby.  that is so rough.  my heart is with you all.  i wouldn't know how to be a friend in that situation, either. 

just letting you know we're still with you.  i'm holding out a blanket of caring and calm for you, will sit with you a while if you want.  you are precious to me.  love and hugs, my dear tee. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on December 28, 2019, 01:34:04 AM
Thank you San I feel the same about you. I appreciate the love and hugs. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 28, 2019, 10:16:57 AM
Hi Tee,
I also want to send you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Snowdrop on December 28, 2019, 10:30:02 AM
I'm so sorry Tee. Sending you love and hugs. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Tee on December 28, 2019, 12:31:58 PM
Thank you Hope and Snowdrop I hope things are going well for you two.  Sorry I can't keep up on here right you have all been in my thoughts and well wishes. :hug:
Title: Re: Tee's first journal
Post by: Not Alone on December 28, 2019, 02:33:12 PM
Tee,
So sorry to hear about your friend's baby. I have friends who have lost children. Beyond saying "I care," I'm at a loss also.

Sorry the job situation continues to be such a struggle for you. Congratulations on your A. You worked hard and deserve it.

My Christmas was minimized this year also. Got tree up and decorated and put up my advent calendar. Told the family if they wanted more decorations they were welcome to get things from the attic and put them up. No one did, so I guess it wasn't important to them. Less gift giving from me too. No one seemed hurt by that. I don't think anyone noticed. I haven't been feeling too jolly either. I took a xanax on Christmas day (because of other things, not Christmas).

Sending you care, Tee.  :hug: