Out of the Storm

Journal Entry on 15th July 2019

It's good to start a new Journal, and it feels good to be starting this one.  I am hoping to continue my journey alongside C-PTSD, and in particular I want to continue to befriend my parts.  I am getting to know different parts of myself, and recognising that they are all there, and each have played significant roles in my life at different stages. 

Even as I write this, I know there are some parts that are less comfortable about me sharing things, but thankfully there I know that I am gaining support and valuable help from being able to write things, and to know that people here understand. 

I value contributions from others - so please know that I would value any comments on anything here, because I have often learned something, or felt that a reply has been so helpful, and I value that.  Thank you so much to people who have commented in my previous Journals. 

What I would like to be, is to be braver, as there are some things that I want to say, but haven't been able to communicate yet.  I still get pulled and pushed by parts of me, and I know I need to tread carefully to try to ensure that I don't over-step the boundaries that some of my parts fear to encroach.

I stepped away from the self-help stuff for a while, but I feel like it's time to get back to some reading and hopefully do some experiential things to help me move forwards.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to focus on, but I will keep an open mind and see what I'm drawn to.

One thing I am keen to do, is to try to re-write my time lines, as I know that I have very fragmented memories and I have been realising that the order of things is mixed up - so I am hoping to just take another look - after not doing that for a long while, and see what sense I can make of it. 

I feel stronger inside myself than I felt before.  I hope that this feeling will last and that I can use it to move forwards.  I had felt so vulnerable and very fragile before, so this strength feels a bit alien, but it is definitely there.  I am grateful for this feeling. 

I'll stop writing now, but it feels good to have started this new Journal. 

Hope  :)

 :cheer: yeah for strength. Good luck on your new journey to piece your time line together. Make sure you give yourself time and grace that is a feat I don't envy.  I'm not sure I could do that for ask of my early trauma, not that I would want to trudge through it.  Love and peace to all your parts as you start this journey! :hug:

congrats on a new journal, hope!   :cheer:

i just started a new one today as welll and it feels like a fresh start, rather than a continuation of what i had been experiencing.  this is the 6th new journal for me, tho, so that may be the reason why.

i commend your efforts at recognizing your parts, how they've shaped the person you are, their contributions, etc.  while i don't have the same clarity for that as you do, i think it could be very constructive as a means to recovery.  whoa - i think something just got triggered in a good way, so i thank you for writing about this.  please tell your parts that they've helped me move a step forward.  it's pretty cool - i just realized a storyteller part. 

that's interesting to me because my stories about my life and circumstances have definitely helped me keep my sanity.  so very glad you mentioned this.  i'm looking forward to recognizing more now.  this will be a part of my new journal.

and, that's how this works - sharing with each other, even when scary, can be so very helpful to the rest of us.  i appreciate the risk taken to write about your journey.  love and hugs, hope , to you and your parts.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 15, 2019, 09:30:41 PM
...and, that's how this works - sharing with each other, even when scary, can be so very helpful to the rest of us.  i appreciate the risk taken to write about your journey.  love and hugs, hope , to you and your parts.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

Agreed! Thank you Hope, for so much love and support and for sharing your journey here. You are such an inspiration to me as well.

Sweet Hope,
For what it's worth, I think you are very brave.  The way you continue to delve and investigate your past and try to find the order of those puzzle pieces is amazing to me.  You are amazing and I'm grateful for you on the forum all the time  :hug:

Hi Tee - thank you so much for your encouragement and support, it means a lot.  I know what you mean about trudging through some of the past, and I have no doubt that it will be challenging for me, but I have started the process and I do want to continue with it.  It's like I feel compelled to at some levels, but I am pacing myself and giving myself good grace - thank you so much for your consideration of these things, as it helps a lot.   :hug: to you.

Hi SanMagic - it is great that you have started a new Journal too - I noticed that you had written different Journals over time, when I first joined here, and I thought what a great idea, although at the time I never thought I'd manage to write much, and in the end I'm on my 3rd Journal now.  That is amazing to think of that.  I was so scared to write anything at all when I first joined.  I read for ages before gaining courage to write anything.  But people were so kind and welcoming, and made me feel comfortable - and thank you so much for everything you'd done in that respect, as you've been a constant support throughout.   :hug:

Hi MoonBeam - You inspire me as well - and thank you for saying what you said - it means a lot.   :hug:

Hi Deep Blue - I appreciate you calling me brave, thank you  :hug:  I would like to reflect back your kind words - because I think that you are amazing and I am grateful for you on the forum all the time as well.   :hug:

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Journal Entry on 16th July 2019
I spent about half an hour today doing some sorting out of my wardrobe.  It's something I've done before - trying to sort out what to keep and what to recycle and what to throw away.  I managed to bag up some clothes for re-cycling.  But I couldn't get rid of my NM's skirt - even though I tried!  My partner was around, and I told him that I couldn't put it in the re-cycle bag.  He said 'Yes, you can!' and for a moment, I felt elated - as if I could do it, but then I ended up putting it back in the wardrobe again.  He said to me "Maybe you're just not ready yet to do it" - and I agreed.  But it annoys me that I can't just get that skirt out of my life.  I tried to think about the reasons I feel as I do, and it's because there are parts of me that feel extremely frightened that my NM will find out, and she'll be really angry with me.  So it's a younger part of me that is very scared and wants to keep the skirt, just incase.

There's another part of me that feels 'bad' for wanting to throw the skirt away - because I think that part of me thinks that NM isn't 'that bad' - but even as I say that - several other parts almost shout at me 'Yes, she is!  She IS that bad"  - Not only is she bad, she's worse than bad.

I do feel lighter though, for having sorted out a few things and deciding what to keep and what to give away.  Things are a bit tidier as well, so that is good.

Hope  :)

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for doing some sorting out and throwing out :)  I know it's something you aim to do some of the time. I really understand you not being able to throw NM's skirt out yet. My ICs have conflicting views on that kind of thing too.

Once in the past I decided "I can finally throw out xy" and then found I'd already got rid of whatever it was but up until that point I hadn't really unburdened myself from the emotions surrounding that particular thing. That taught me not to hound myself about throwing things out, to forgive myself for keeping things a while longer.

i'm with blueberry on not hounding yourself about not throwing something away.  there are a couple things of my nc D's that i still have, even tho i'll never wear them.  for me, it's a connection to the 'good and generous' part of her that was there at one time.  that's a 'mom' thing, tho,  i have nothing of my own mother's, so i don't know how that would feel.

it does feel good to sort and toss the unwanted, tho, so congrats on that.   :thumbup:  i love how your littles let you know exactly what's going on, how you can hear them so clearly.  that's amazing to me.

keep taking care of you, hope.  sending love and a clutter-free hug!   :hug:

Congrats Hope you'll be able to rid yourself off the things you need to when you it's time.  I actually ripped a shirt to shreds and put it into a fire pit and watched it burn once to get rid of a shirt.  The shirt was connected to a traumatic event and I got to a point that I needed it gone.

When you get there till get rid of the skirt and all your parts will be fine.  A gentle hug. :hug:

Thank you Blueberry, SanMagic & Tee.   :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

19th July 2019
Just catching a few moments to write my feelings out, because I feel quite over-whelmed by all the activity going on - my parts seem to be quite discombobulated, that's the word that seems to make sense, it's like they are restless and at odds with each other.  My partner is playing some music from my past, which is making me feel unsettled, but I enjoy that music at the same time, and it's ok.  But I think that music can be so evocative and powerful, and I guess it means I can't really control the impact on myself and my parts.

So just want to write a few things here - I don't have too long, but hopefully long enough to get my feelings out somewhere safe.

I got through the week, and it was ok.  I am relieved it's the weekend, and I have made some social plans for tomorrow, and infact it is something that when I did the same thing previously it was very stressful indeed, but I am trying to tell myself that this time, it will be better.  That I'm in a different frame of mind, and I can cope better this time.  But of course, I won't know if this is true until I have gone through the event, and see how it goes.  I am nervous about it, and I guess it's upset my littles, who are probably not wishing to attend at all.

But I will go, and I will see how it goes.

The part of me that tends to rub things out has been at work on some of my memories from the past - basically things that normally I would remember very well have somehow disappeared!   It's as if that part of me is concerned that I shouldn't remember things, and that makes me think that I can't trust my memory for the past at all.   :stars:

I struggled at work today as there were a few things that I was trying to do, and I realised I was in an EF, and my brain was freezing.  Luckily I managed to appear as if I was ok, because I don't think the other person realised what was going on for me.  I was also quite assertive in my reactions to her - as she had been making some strange mistakes, and I was trying to point them out to her in a polite way.  Because they really mattered and would make a difference to what we were trying to do.  Maybe that was stressing me, and that was why I froze and felt so awkward.

At least I'm through that situation now. 

I really would like to take stock of things and stand back from everything, but somehow I'm not feeling there's the opportunity or time to do that.  I feel a bit frenzied and rushed with too many deadlines to meet.  I am tempted to work on the weekend on some things that I need to do for next week, but I know I have things I need to do at home.

I've been beginning to look at other options - regarding how I spend my worktime, because I have some ideas of what I'd like to do in the future. (I just wrote more, but decided to erase it, because I feel bad about talking about work - this relates to previous situations that cause me stress, so I rarely talk about them).

Anyway, I feel better for writing some things here.  It's like writing about them eases the mind a bit.  Or maybe my littles have grown bored of what I'm writing and they've gone off to do something else.  I'm beginning to think that they do their own thing, and pop up when I least expect them sometimes, and then when I tried to do a Meditation circle yesterday - they were nowhere to be seen.  I'll try another one on the weekend sometime, once I get through the social thing tomorrow. 

Hope  :)

Good luck tomorrow hope!  I'm glad you were able to write things out and calm your littles. :hug: try and have some fun. :grouphug:

I'm really cheering for you, Hope!  :cheer: I wish you the best of luck this weekend with however it turns out. A meditation circle sounds like a great idea :hug:

Cheering you on, Hope!  :cheer:

wishing you a good weekend, hope.

i'm glad you were able to write so much down, and that it helped settle you somewhat.  love and hugs, sweetie.   :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on July 19, 2019, 07:03:18 PM
  Or maybe my littles have grown bored of what I'm writing and they've gone off to do something else.  I'm beginning to think that they do their own thing, and pop up when I least expect them sometimes, and then when I tried to do a Meditation circle yesterday - they were nowhere to be seen.
Hope  :)

This made me smile. My Littles get bored sometimes too. When I bring them to church, they usually enjoy the music, but don't like to listen to the message!

Hi Tee, sunflower38, Three Roses, SanMagic & notalone,
Thank you all so much.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

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Journal Entry on 24th July 2019
I wanted to come back here a few times in the last few days, but somehow I couldn't get the chance, and when the opportunity arose, I couldn't write anything.  I think it's because I am feeling a bit over-whelmed, and the heat is affecting me so much too.  I'm not sleeping that well and then I'm struggling with my work, because I'm not sure if it's what I want to do anymore - to be honest it wasn't what I wanted to do in the first place, but it was something I could do.  It's not fulfilling me, and  I am considering leaving and working my notice and then having a break to decide what to do.  But I don't know if it's a good idea or not financially.  A lot to think about, and I wish that the weather could be cooler so I could function better.  I have a short week this week, as I am off on Friday - so a long weekend lies ahead.  Maybe I'll feel differently on Monday, but if I feel the same way, then I think I will try to meet my boss to discuss things.


I managed to cope with last weekend, and it went better than I thought it would.  I was pleased, but it was very tiring, and I was exhausted afterwards.  But it was ok, and that's good.

I've been looking up online the events that occur in each year - and looking through the 1970's and 1980's year by year - and it has been triggering different memories and making me realise that things that I had associated with particular feelings and ages, were actually not in the places/ages I thought they had been.  It's been helpful.  I don't know why I didn't think to do it before, but maybe that was due to resistance from my parts.

The other thing I did the other evening was to read the first of my Journals - here in this forum, and I found that very interesting to see all the things I'd written there.  I didn't manage to finish reading it, as it was so long!  I couldn't believe that I'd written things there, because it felt like I was writing like a 'grown-up' when I feel very far from that a lot of the time. 


So many of you helped me during those earlier years of my being here - back in 2017 - Sceal, Blueberry, SanMagic, and Three Roses - you were the first person to respond to me - thank you so much.  I know I've missed many names off there, but it's very amazing to think about my journey in this forum, and how supported I have felt - and still feel.  I couldn't get this far in my progression without you - that's how I feel.  Thank you to everyone who has ever replied and to all the people who write things here - just reading what people write, it helps so much.


I've been experiencing difficulties with finding my words over the past few days, and I am hoping it's more to do with the heat and maybe having some EF's being triggered - because otherwise I'd be thinking I was suffering from a memory difficulty.  But maybe it's heat related.  I hope that I will get some clarity of thought back, because otherwise I am likely to make mistakes, and I need to stay focused until my long weekend.

Regarding the long weekend, I am looking foward to it.  I don't have any particular plans of what to do yet, and that feels nice in itself.  I have quite a lot of things I need to do at home, but I'd like to try to re-construct a time-line in my trauma journal.  I think it's time to do that again, and I think it would be helpful.


My mind has gone blank now. 

Hope  :)

Glad your weekend better than expected.  Hope you make it to your long weekend and are able to enjoy. :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on July 24, 2019, 06:27:50 PM
I've been experiencing difficulties with finding my words over the past few days, and I am hoping it's more to do with the heat and maybe having some EF's being triggered - because otherwise I'd be thinking I was suffering from a memory difficulty.  But maybe it's heat related.  I hope that I will get some clarity of thought back, because otherwise I am likely to make mistakes, and I need to stay focused until my long weekend.

I am affected by the heat too, so understand that might be why you are having trouble focusing. You also said you are going through history and that has been triggering. I know from Van der Kolk's book and from experience that being in a triggered state can affect the part of the brain that has language. Another thought: could a really small part be around (pre-language or early language)? Do what you can to stay cool, Hope.

Hello Dear Hope. I wanted to say how brave and committed I see you being in your recovery. How you honoring your different parts of self has inspired me to begin to look at my own different stages and beings, and to try to honor them, as you do yours.  I thank you.

I have been feeling very much the same--having difficulties focusing. "holding the thread" as I call it.  Feeling hardly verbal, much less eloquent. I've been super scattered. Heat I'm sure plays a role. It's a bit of an energy zapper, and for me, I know I have been pretty dissociated the last few weeks--big EF. And that's part of looking at my history, feeling feelings and then needing to float off. One of those brilliant survival strategies that can be so frustrating now that we want to be present.

I could totally see with all of the amazing work you are doing looking at timelines and really wanting to put memories in place and honor those pieces, it would be super reasonable for some parts to want to rest a little, or escape, or hide--whichever that need is for them and to dissociate.

I appreciated what notalone said about the pre-verbal part as well. That seems super insightful. Perhaps there are other ways to include that part, if that is relevant for you, though I have no suggestions to offer on how.

So much respect to you and a gentle  :hug: if that's ok.

Here's a :hug: for you, dear Hope. You are a beautiful human.

 :yeahthat:

hope, i remember you struggling w/ the heat last year, and, being from the mex. desert, i suggested drinking electrolytes.  losing them to sweat, etc. can also play tricks w/ our minds and our ability to think and articulate.  so, just a caring reminder.  the heat can be a real gritch, and i hope it eases up soon for your sake.

you bring a smile to my heart, hope.  you keep pushing the envelope, what with exploring the realm of your parts, and now using history as a way to purposely trigger thoughts, feelings, and memories.  much credit to you.  you're fearless, no matter how many times you feel scared.  to continue going out of your way to help yourself heal is that warrior spirit showing itself.  well done!!!    :thumbup:

sending love and  a big hug, sweetie.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 25, 2019, 02:31:22 PM
hope, i remember you struggling w/ the heat last year, and, being from the mex. desert, i suggested drinking electrolytes.  losing them to sweat, etc. can also play tricks w/ our minds and our ability to think and articulate.  so, just a caring reminder.  the heat can be a real gritch, and i hope it eases up soon for your sake.

Hope, I just read this article and it was helpful https://www.bbc.com/news/health-49112807  I'm not worried about the more dire physical problems they mention. It's more the reminder that excessive heat is a strain on the body, especially for those of us in countries where we're not used to it. A combination of things going on (explained in article) leads to lower blood pressure which in turn can lead to fatigue and confusion. So that could make searching for the right words harder, I think.

It certainly affects me that way so you're not alone. I sometimes joke to other people about my beginning Alzheimer's but really my problems with words is cptsd-related, and the heat makes it worse.

I hope it cools off for you soon or that you find a nice cool place where you feel safe. :)  I guess :umbrella: minus the umbrella would be best  ;)

Journal Entry on 30th July 2019
I would like to thank everyone here who has replied since I last wrote - thank you!   :hug:  I am feeling a bit over-whelmed by the sheer roller-coaster that I feel I've been on this last few days, and I am still on it - so I hope that I'll be able to get some space to properly focus and I want to reply individually to what you each wrote - because I really really am grateful.

I've been over-whelmed by many things this past few days - and I realise I feel quite a lot of feelings, and that I am actually feeling them more - and it's very hard.

I did have a long weekend, but It didn't go as I planned it would go - and honestly I can't believe how bad I've felt at times. 

On a positive note, I have watched a couple of videos that is part of a Healing conference - that Kizzie had linked to - and I think that Blueberry has signed up too.  I really would like to reflect on those - once I get chance - I wish I could find time to do that - I feel like I have no time, but I must have had time to actually watch them.

I feel a great pressure of speech thing going on - and I know that means I'm not very stable in my mood just now.  I am so tired as well.  Mentally drained.  Haven't been sleeping very well this past few nights. 

** Potential trigger warning - mentioning horrible feelings, but nothing graphic***
I have felt as if my FOO have died and that I haven't been there for them, and I feel incredibly powerful 'doom like' feelings - like a real depression melange kind of feeling (using Pete Walker's words there) - and it keeps attacking me like a sheer panic in the middle of the night.  I really don't like it. 

I've not had any night terrors though.  Not to my knowledge.  So that's good - I've not had those for a long time.

I've been experiencing some self-sabotage at work - I am my own worst enemy at the moment - and I am ashamed.

As I write this I feel such a lot of emotion inside.  My partner has been a bit concerned for me, and I wish I could be calmer and coping better, for his sake.

I'm ok - but I'm also not coping so well.

I do feel better for writing this here, and I really hope to be calmer another time.  I'm going to try to sleep earlier tonight. 

:aaauuugh: is what I'd like to express just now. 
***end of TW warning

I feel incredible tension in my throat just now.

Whilst I remember this, I found the first video with Dr Seigel to be quite triggering - there were aspects of his description of the model that he talked about that seemed quite triggering to me - I don't know if he realised what some of his terminology might have meant to some people. 

Maybe I'm reacting partly to that - watching those videos, although I did manage to watch them and listen, and I wrote notes, and also (it really upsets my littles inside) - I realise now it affected me far more than I wanted/needed. 

I'm crying now.  I desperately don't want to be in this state.  I need to go now.

I do feel a bit better, I can hear my partner coming, and already I am packing away my feelings - I don't want to be upset infront of him just now. 


Honestly, this is waves of emotion - they come and they also go.  I hope to be back soon, as I want to write more - I feel that whilst this is hurting me physically, actually it's positive - must go.

Hope  :)

 :hug: here for you be gentle with yourself. :hug:

Hope,
Sounds really difficult and overwhelming. Here for you.  :hug:

Sounds difficult.  :hug:  :grouphug: (I haven't watched anything I signed up for because I have a real 9 year old visiting till tomorrow.)

Hi Blueberry, Notalone and Tee,
:hug: to you all, and thank you. 

Journal Entry on 31st July 2019
I am feeling better than I was in the past few days, which is good. 
I want to write more, but still don't have much time, so I hope to come back later in the week - maybe tomorrow - but I wanted to just touch base briefly here - even just writing this - feels grounding.
Blueberry - I hope you enjoy the visit from the real 9 year old you have visiting.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on July 30, 2019, 06:20:13 PM
Journal Entry on 30th July 2019
Honestly, this is waves of emotion - they come and they also go.  I hope to be back soon, as I want to write more - I feel that whilst this is hurting me physically, actually it's positive - must go.

Hope  :)

Hello Dear Hope. Thank you so much for your powerful and brave posts. I'm so inspired by your perseverance. I'm sure I've said that before, but once again i am moved by your strength, courage and honesty. I quoted that part of your post because you are so right--they do come and they do also go. And it takes bravery to heal, and facing the emotional and physical manifestations of our suffering is sometimes the best way through. You don't give up. You keep caring for you and your littles. You are amazing! 

Thank you for sharing.  :hug: if that's ok.

Hi MoonBeam,
I am happy to see your reply here and thank you.   :hug:  I want to write more, and catch up with you and others in the forum - but time has been limited.  I hope to carve some time out though, as I am wanting to interact and have time to do that. 

*****
Journal Entry on 1st August 2019
Just snatching a few moments during a lunch break - because I wanted to write about last night, while it's fresh in my mind.

Last night I experienced really intense connections to something - a part of myself that is raw and it was scary.  I've felt it before, but this time - I experienced the rush of emotion/feelings from that same part at least 3 times in relatively short succession, and my body reacted with racing heart, and anxiety.

I think that maybe it's a pre-verbal part of myself - relating to very early experience - this makes sense to me, and I know that others had commented on that before - it made sense.

I just want to note it today - because I feel it's like a break-through that now I've made the connection - which feels meaningful to me - i.e. I can 'see' it more clearly.  I think I feel less scared of it now - previously I thought those experiences were signs that I was suffering from something physical - or might have a heart-attack or maybe my headaches were a brain tumour - those kind of catastrophic thoughts would sometimes pop into my mind, but now I more clearly label it as being my body keeping the score, and that it's different to what I fear.

Although I've not had chance to properly read other people's posts and journals recently - I do still read bits, and I have been influenced by them, and find them so helpful.

I have a lot I feel I'd like to write, but just not getting the time and space to sit and do so.

But I hope that I can get some time tonight - or tomorrow - and I just hope that emotionally I'll feel able to write things - as I really want to.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on August 01, 2019, 11:18:25 AM
Although I've not had chance to properly read other people's posts and journals recently - I do still read bits, and I have been influenced by them, and find them so helpful.

I have a lot I feel I'd like to write, but just not getting the time and space to sit and do so.

But I hope that I can get some time tonight - or tomorrow - and I just hope that emotionally I'll feel able to write things - as I really want to.

Dear Hope,
I think you have a lot going on emotionally/psychologically atm, so it could be good to do things at your own pace and not worry about reading or responding to others' posts? It's OK to take a break from that.  I'm reading and responding less atm too.  I find even writing my own stuff down comes when I'm ready. :hug:
Blueberry

i fully agree w/ blueberry on this.  space, time, energy, processing, routine - i think they all play a part in our posting.  do what you need to do for you first, foremost.  we'll be here.  sending love and a hug full of pace.   :hug:

Hi Tee, Blueberry & SanMagic,

Remembering the need to pace has been so helpful here.  When I read your words - it was like my littles and different parts listened and I was relieved, and it was almost like hearing it gave me permission to give myself some slack.  Thank you.

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Journal Entry on 2nd August 2019

Being reminded that I can pace myself, and hearing that - has made a positive difference, and I am so grateful to hear such validating and helpful reminders. 

I'm taking a late lunch today, and will be taking things step by step this afternoon.  I'm going to try to pace myself better. 

One of the healing videos I watched had someone talking about 'Messengers' which I found helpful - so I'm reminding myself of that.  It was helpful.  I hope to write about some of the things I've heard in those videos, when I get chance, but so far, I'm just getting through the week - and wanting the weekend to be here - only this afternoon to go, and then I do have the weekend. 
Hope  :)

let's hear it for pace!!!   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  it's something that i still struggle w/ at times.  glad you have a sense of relief, hope, and are able to take your time, move at your own pace.  i'm doing that today, too, and if feels good - like i caught myself in time.  well done, sweetie!  love and hugs. :hug:

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much  :hug:  Love and hugs to you too.   :hug:

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Journal entry on 5th August 2019  (***TW throughout - as I'm not sure what I'm going to say, and I don't know what triggers others, so I just want to put that here - I am hoping to write from my heart and soul in this - because I need to get these things out)

How do I feel at this moment?  As if I've emerged from something huge, with lots of layers of complicated things, and so many things that have felt very hard to cope with at so many levels.  My body has reacted massively - with various things like feeling as if my left eye and temple area is being literally stabbed, and I have been having difficulty sleeping and struggling in quite a few ways.

BUT, I do feel as if things are progressing for me, and I'm making some links and whilst I feel it's been more painful, I feel as if I have more tools available to me to cope.

I want to list some good things that have happened:

I've been talking more to my partner, and whilst I've been experiencing more emotion and more uncontrollable behaviour - I've been able to express it verbally, and he has been able to tolerate my behaviour and we've been able to keep talking - even though I have felt as if I am driving him mad at times. 

I have been tearful, I have felt unable to cope at times, and I have felt really desperate at times. 

I can more clearly see the way I've been numb and dissociated for so many years in my life, and that beginning to 'feel' and to begin to process some emotions - it's such a scary and over-whelming thing.

Whilst I write this, I have a couple of contrasting views (from my parts) - it's like there's one part that is saying - "Look what you're writing, it's rubbish" (I had a stronger word there that was said in my mind), and then there's a very emotional part - that I 'feel' who is literally wailing and is very upset.

I want to mention the raw and what I'm calling pre-verbal parts that I feel I've been accessing more at night-time - it's like I can't breathe at those times, and I get pins and needles in my hands, and I think it's like when people get panic attacks and the physiology sets into action - and prepares you to fight or flight - but there's no active thing there to fight or run from - but my brain and conscious thought then sets in to think 'I'm having a heart attack' or I'm going to die etc.  I think that was how I used to view it - but now I view it as being a 'messenger' or a 'contact' or 'presence' of my pre-verbal traumatised 'little part' - who is frightened and scared in the dark (now I feel that part so strongly crying and the tears are close, and it throbs through my face and my brain as I write this). 

I'm telling my parts that I need to write this, and share this, because it matters that they are frightened and they are scared.

**TW mentioning CSA here**

I've been helped at night by the concept of 'Mama Bear' - which was something someone wrote in reply to my posts in the CSA part of this forum, and I have used that visual of a comforting Mama Bear who can comfort my little frightened self, and I also know that Mama Bear can be protective and can save me and my littles, and that's helped me so much in the middle of the night.
(I feel calmer now - it's like that reminder of that protective presence makes my littles feel ok)  (I'm using brackets to explain my 'process' as I think this through)

I want to write this in a structured way, and that's the perfectionistic side of me who wants that - who thinks that it should be that way - but actually I'm going to give permission to myself to write in an un-ordered way - to let words flow - because I need to get them out and in a safe place, and I've been fighting for the time and opportunity to come here and I am so grateful today that my parts are allowing me space to write.

This may get quite a long diary today - because I really want to keep coming back to get things out - and I'm going to do that.  I'll be back later.  I need a break just now, but I am glad I was able to come here and write this, and I know I want to say more - and I hope to be back later and I hope I can do just that.

Hope  :)

I am just back straight away, as I posted this and then re-read it, and wanted to focus on the emotions that I feel as I re-read it - (they were incredibly potent and it's as if my parts are reading it and feeling such shock and feeling upset, but I also feel like it's ok - it's so powerful).
I already feel calm, as if they then distance themselves.

I am going to make a cup of tea.

I also notice that I still have an incredibly strong emotional reaction - to just seeing the 'Healing Porch' - and I want to say that I really appreciate that place, and I read what is written there, but my littles are at the same time too shy to allow me to actually go there in my virtual presence kind of way - does that make sense?  I think this reflects my fear in some social situations - it's like I need the part of me that can put on a mask of confidence, and as long as she is in charge - she can get me through things like that.  But there are other parts of me that don't want me to put myself through that, and they're scared.

I think I'm going to pop up in different places today - to write things - as I do want to venture out and write things in different sections - I'm just putting that as a potential and reminding myself I want to do that.

But right now I need that cup of tea.

I am so grateful that this place is here - it is a sanctuary. 
Hope  :)

The cup of tea was good.  I enjoyed it. 

I just wrote quite a bit, and then part of me decided I should rub it out - and I did delete it.  I don't like to do that, as I feel there wasn't anything wrong with what I wrote, but maybe that part (the resistant one) wasn't happy for me to write at this time. 

I recognise I'm in an EF currently - as I am literally having lots of word-finding difficulties, and forgetting things - previously I would have labelled that as being a worrying thing, but I feel it's down to the effects of an EF.

I am giving myself permission to relax and to try to chill out - and I'm going to have something nice for my lunch, and deciding that feels good.

(I feel calmer)  (I feel ok)

Must go and get my lunch now.
Hope  :)

 :grouphug: hugging all your parts I'm so glad they are letting you write some of what you feel you need to get.  This is a safe place.   :hug:

Thank you Tee, your hug is much appreciated, and sending one for you too  :hug:
*******
I am managing to cope today - but it's challenging for me.  I want to write some of the things that have been going through my mind, and I hope that I can do that - and I'm going to try not to delete or edit things, just let them flow out.  I am reminding myself that it's a safe place, and it's ok to share things here.

I'm sitting here, and waiting...  I feel calmer. 

I'm giving myself permission to write - and it doesn't need to be structured, it can just flow, anything I want to write, it's ok.  (Feeling upset inside, experiencing tinnitus in my left-ear, my eyes hurt a lot)
This reminds me that I've been experiencing really painful crampy kind of feelings in my stomach - similar to period pains, but also as if someone has badly bruised my stomach area.  I was beginning to think it might be indigestion or bloating due to different foods, and I was wanting to find out what was causing it, but now I think it's not down to food, it's more to do with being stressed out.  So probably because I've been so anxious.

I watched a TV programme at lunchtime today - it's called Loose Women and one of the women was wearing a dress that had a pattern on it which was a white background and had red flowers - it was quite a retro kind of pattern from the 1970's or so, or even before that, as I'd seen a very old film yesterday that had a similar pattern and that film was made in the 1950's!  So that pattern has been around for a long time, and one of my younger selves (a little Hope) has seen that pattern in her bedroom, and focuses on it.

I found it triggering this time, because I then saw details of the women in hyper brilliance, like I saw freckles on their skin that I'd not noticed before, and this reminded me of how I used to see features of the other children I met at school during all those times I changed schools as a young child, and had to make new friendships - and I remember talking about that here, and people saying that maybe I was hypervigilant and noticing things for a while before settling. 

I think I've been hypervigilant this past few days, and also experiencing some feelings of being 'out of my body' - there's a word for that, and I can't think what it is.  Maybe it will come to me - I do know it.

***TW might mention something triggering as feeling a bit anxious
(feeling very upset inside)

I went upstairs to lie on the bed for a while after lunch, and I tried to do some meditation kind of relaxing - where I was just thinking of centring my body and being calm and still.  Then emotion came strongly and I ended up with tears flowing, but I let them flow, and told myself it was ok - because I need to cry, it's ok to let it out.  I told myself that I've been through a lot this past few days - I've managed to deal with some very difficult things, and I've come through the other side of those things.

So - the good things:
I have talked more to friends IRL (in real life) - by which I mean my long-standing friends who in the past I've not communicated with about personal stuff.  I have gradually been opening up a bit more, and sharing some things - but it depends on the person and my level of trust.

The negative of that - it's harder to remember who knows what about me, and that puts a big mental strain on things, but I'd like to get to the point where I could be authentic and talk about anything I'd like to talk about - as and when I'd like to (even talking that way, there's a part that says 'Don't be so full of yourself' - and I recognise that's from FOO, and it's not helpful.

OK - to FOO, I do have some things I'd like to express, and I'm going to say them:

To my F - (no, I can't do it)  (I feel bad for what I was wanting to say to him there, it's too hard to say)
To my M - (similarly, I can't say it)

(In my throat there comes a large lump, and it's physically a hard lump) - it's like my pre-verbal part is messenging me.

Notes to remind myself of things:
* I want to do my time-line again, but once more I've lost my book with all my timelines in it - it's like part of me wants to hide it. 
* I've been self-sabotaging myself in a few arenas of my life, and I need to stop doing that.

Yes, this reminds me that I have noticed patterns that are repeating - and that makes me feel ashamed, BUT - I recognise that I can now make some changse, and that will stop the cycle repeating itself ad nauseum.

Easier said than done, but possible. (Now I feel silly - but I've decided not to edit or erase) and I'll leave everything here. 

It's a safe place, and yes, I'm using up space, but I've been silenced for so many years - and told what I can and can't say, that I've got a right to speak - and a right to be heard. (A part tells me that I am being 'dramatic' 'a drama Queen', so I say 'I hear you, but those are words passed down to me by my FOO, and I am NONE of those things - and I have respect for people and their opinions, and I'd like to be respected and heard for mine too.

Boundaries - that came into my mind as something I've learned - and I am beginning to realise how people have their own boundaries and respect those of others.  I've not had that model in my FOO - infact I don't feel as if anyone has cared about my boundary - they have crossed it too many times.  I am angry about that. 

** Memories relating to when I was 15 years old are surfacing more.  I only know that I was that old because of noticing some events that had happened at that time, which I found out by looking up the dates on an app - it's a helpful thing to place things in time - it's been bringing up things relating to that time, that I had buried.

(I feel nothing now - it's like my parts have gone out of the door - left me alone)

Hope  :)

 :hug: don't feel silly or ashamed those are big steps. Keep it up you are doing great. Hugs here for you! :applause: :hug: glad your able to get some things out.

Quote from: Tee on August 05, 2019, 02:58:35 PM
:hug: don't feel silly or ashamed those are big steps. Keep it up you are doing great. Hugs here for you! :applause: :hug: glad your able to get some things out.

:yeahthat: Huge steps forward, Hope!  :applause:

Those things you want to say to FOO? You'll be able to when the time is right for you. Atm maybe it'd be overwhelming for you. I find that anyway. There are things I want to say but when I come to write them down, they disappear.

Quote from: Hope67 on August 05, 2019, 02:46:54 PM
It's a safe place, and yes, I'm using up space, but I've been silenced for so many years - and told what I can and can't say, that I've got a right to speak - and a right to be heard.

You certainly do have a right to speak and a right to be heard! And you have a right to take up space here too! I'm so glad you're part of this forum :hug: Nothing you write sounds silly to me.

Quote from: Hope67 on August 05, 2019, 02:46:54 PM
(A part tells me that ... so I say 'I hear you, but those are words passed down to me by my FOO, and I am NONE of those things - and I have respect for people and their opinions, and I'd like to be respected and heard for mine too.

Good response to that ICr.!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Hope, glad you wrote without editing. You do deserve to speak and to be heard. I am glad to listen to you.

13th August 2019
I will be back again soon, just touching base.  Hope to write later this week - when I can.
Love to you all.
Hope  :grouphug:

I am back, and I'm ok.  I'm still over-whelmed in many respects by events that have happened this week, but I'm taking it step by step and I need to take my time - and I am doing ok.
Hope  :)

I'm glad you're OK, Hope. I hear you. <makes you cup of tea>

 :hug: I'm glad your ok. You can only do what you can do.  One step at a time. :hug:

Hi Snowdrop - thanks for those cups of tea, just what I needed. 

Hi Tee - thank you - one step at a time is such a great thing - and thanks for the hug  :hug:

**************
Journal Entry on 14th August 2019

I still feel very exhausted, and I don't really know where to start, so I'll just say - it's been tough.  But I'm ok, and I'm just wishing that I'd taken more notes as things went on, and days went by - because I've felt as if I've lost time, and lost days, and I was scared, and feared I wasn't coping.  My partner is here, and he's been amazing, but I've worried about leaning on him too much, although he assures me he's ok and I think all of this has meant we're closer than before, and we were already close. 

I'm taking it one step at a time, and I'm feeling better - more like myself - I know that my littles were scared, and some were angry, and some were holding other emotions - and I feel like I know them better than I did before - my relationships with them are developing. 

I feel like I've got some insights now.  More than before.

But I want to try to calm all my inner selves before exploring further - because I know that it was too much, and I nearly tipped the balance too far in the other direction, and I was scared of what I saw.

I wanted to say that I was able to come here and read what people were writing - and I remember reading something that someone called Sunflower said - about building sand castles and playing there - and I think that was in the Healing Porch - and I very nearly went there - to spend time there, as it sounded so nice - but the feeling over-whelmed me - as my littles have never let me get there - but I was close to going.  That is positive - in my mind - and I want to go forward and be more authentic and live life in a more open way, and feel emotions and be in the moment, rather than my previous patterns - and my dissociating. 

Yes, I can function better now.  My brain was terrible - in that I was doing all kinds of things that I couldn't control, and I was also acting out - and didn't feel like myself - and I lost time.  But I'm ok.

I'm here, and thank you - this is a sanctuary.   :grouphug:

I want to write about some things that happened, and I will - but I'm going to take my time, as I am keen to keep this feeling of normality that I feel just now - it wasn't accessible for a while, and I felt out of control and vulnerable.

I feel safer now, and more grounded and I am so thankful.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

 :hug: I'm glad your feeling more grounded. Your journey is not a race take your time and go at your own pace that you can feel comfortable and grounded is good too.  Glad to see you back. :grouphug: :hug:

16th August ___
I wrote quite a lot, and then my partner came to talk to me, and somehow I lost the whole thing!  I feel maybe that was for the best, as I was a bit hyper - and writing a lot.  But I feel annoyed that I lost it too. 

What I do know is that my emotions are so on the surface, and I am FEELING more - even the temperature of water is something I can feel now.

I'd like to write a lot more - that's how I feel at the moment, but the opportunity isn't there - or I feel shamed to write - but I also feel that I need to write.  So I will be back and hope to write more then.

My emotions are all over the place in a way, but I actually feel as if it's a good thing, as I can finally feel things properly - and I want to continue to do so, even though it's very painful in many respects.

I'm re-processing memories in my head, and I can 'see' them much clearer now.  Taking different perspectives, and understanding that bit more.

((((Note - I want to talk about something very upsetting, and I hope to do so - but I'm not sure if I'll be able to))))

Must go now.

Hope  :)

 :cheer: :hug: here for you Hope!

 :hug:

Sounds like you're making great progress Hope, good job! Talk/write when you're ready. :)

Tee, Notalone & Jazzy - thank you all so much  :hug: :hug: :hug:

*********
17th August 2019
I am taking things a day at a time, and moment by moment, and trying to pace myself - because I've been very hyper and out of my comfort zone regarding my emotions, but the thing is I'm feeling more things. 

I have quite a few things I need to get through this weekend, but I think it will be ok.  Next week I will have some time available to hopefully focus on things more, and I would value the opportunity to write about things, in a way that feels paced and measured as opposed to out of control, so that's my intention - to do that.

I feel like I'm ready to write some 'letters to' kind of posts - as that might help free me up and calm down my different parts.  I want to acknowledge all the emotions and feelings that have surfaced, because they are all meaningful.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

 :hug:

Your emotions and feelings are meaningful, important, and deserve to be heard and acknowledged.

Thanks everyone.

***********
18th August 2019
Thankfully I'm feeling more normal (whatever that is) just now, as I need to attend a social thing, and I feel like I've got an adult part in control right now who will hopefully help me cope with this. 

I feel more centred generally again - I think I'm out of most of the EF's - although I'm not sure - there are some changes that I'm finding quite challenging still.  But I will be hoping to talk about things in the various parts of this forum, and it will be good to get them out in a safe place, and seek validation. 

So thank you in advance, everyone, because without you - I wouldn't be brave enough.  I believe that this support is invaluable to me.

Must go now.
Hope  :)

I'm sending good wishes and strength to you in your challenges :cheer: You're so brave, Hope!! :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on August 18, 2019, 10:46:39 AM
18th August 2019
Thankfully I'm feeling more normal (whatever that is) just now, as I need to attend a social thing, and I feel like I've got an adult part in control right now who will hopefully help me cope with this. 

Glad for you about that. The social functions can be stressful and when the littles are present, it can feel overwhelming and even terrifying. Hope adult you was able to stay present and you were able to enjoy your time.

Quote from: notalone on August 18, 2019, 06:11:05 PM
The social functions can be stressful and when the littles are present, it can feel overwhelming and even terrifying. Hope adult you was able to stay present and you were able to enjoy your time.

Hi Sunflower, and Hi Notalone, thank you both  :hug: :hug:

Notalone - I found what you wrote to be very helpful, thank you. 

*************
18th August __

I am feeling quite spaced out and high.  I have got through my social things, and I've got through the week, but I feel like I'm on a level that is not connected - disconnected.  I can't explain it easily.  It's like a manic kind of feeling, and I need to centre myself.

I'll be ok though, as I am now able to hopefully relax - with no more social things to have to go through for a little while, and I also have some time off as well - a few days ahead of time to hopefully focus on calming and helping all my littles to settle.

My intention is to write some things here tomorrow - I hope that I can do that.

Hope  :)

 :hug: Take care of yourself and your Littles, dear Hope.

 :hug: take care yourself.  Hope you can re center and find some peace. :hug:

Well done for getting through the social things. I hope you feel settled again soon.  :hug:

Hi Three Roses, Tee & Snowdrop - thank you so much  :hug: :hug: :hug:

***********
19th August __

Three Roses, I hope you don't mind, but something you said to another post I'd made was so relevant to me, that I'm copying and quoting you here in my journal - you said:

Quote from: Three Roses on August 19, 2019, 03:18:40 AM
I've had something similar to what you describe happen in the dead of night - it looks different in the light of day, tho, as you say - it always seems to happen when I'm deeply shaken about something... maybe an uncovered memory, or an argument, or how I feel when I think someone disapproves of me. Sorry you're going thru this.  :hug:

I had been talking about the de-realization and paranoid thoughts I've been having, particularly at night, but to be honest in the daytime too lately!  But I am calmer today - and there was a manic hyper aspect to my behaviour, which I felt sure was obvious to everyone around me, but I think in reality that they just thought I was being more open and they seemed to like that in me - so I think it's paranoia on my part that I fear how I'll come across.

But Three Roses, what you said here - about triggers for such things affecting you - and those being:

"an uncovered memory, or an argument, or how I feel when I think someone disapproves of me."


All of those things are spot on for me - they have directly contributed to this - I have had a massive uncovered memory - and I need to talk about it - and I feel as if I can do that today - but I'll see how it goes.  I need to put it in the diary where I talk about CSA, as it's relevant there, and I prefer to separate things from my Journal, as it helps contain the triggers for me and for others (I think) - but I don't know.  Anyway, I'm trying to write unedited today.

There's been some arguments amongst people at work - and I've been deeply affected by these at so many levels - and it's been difficult.  (I also have a lot of shame about work) - that's another area I want to talk about and open up more, but I feel ashamed about it, so I don't. 

The third thing you mentioned, Three Roses, was 'when I think someone disapproves of me' - and yes, that's relevant to me and my thoughts this past few weeks - I fear disapproval and I feel it. 

There are more factors too - I was over-whelmed when I tried to watch the Healing videos from a particular online University - for some reason my littles made me think I couldn't afford it - that it would be hundreds of dollars, when infact it was less than 30 dollars (when I finally managed to work out how much it cost) and by that time I'd binge watched a lot of them, and I ended up over-whelmed, and that's when I was beginning to try some techniques at night, and that's when I got the recovered memory - which I hope to talk about in the CSA section) - but the impact was that I just felt flooded with feelings, angst, so many things.


I then feared whether I'd cope, and I thought about contacting psychiatric services of some kind - but I have a fear of even my doctor - who I haven't even met my new one yet - I've changed doctors - I got to see a nurse the last time, and my blood pressure went off the scale just being there with her.  I felt ashamed, but she was very nice.


Other things were that my partner is home at the moment as he's on his holidays for the summer, and we were trying to do some de-cluttering - which is something that I struggle with massively.  So things went faster than I wanted them to, and then I felt as if I was replicating a dream I'd had (where I'm surrounded by belongings and trying to pack to move) - and it felt horrible and I felt like I regressed to a very small helpless child.  I literally had a meltdown infront of him, but thankfully he understands me, and knows I have littles who feel helpless, and he was lovely and he comforted me.

I had also seen the skirt that my M had given me - the one I find hard to throw away - he tried to encourage me to throw it away, but I couldn't do it.  I explained to him that the feelings are too complicated surrounding it.


Finally, there was a large bag of tablets that I'd had - from a few years ago when I was given numerous kinds of anti-depressants etc - and I've kept them in a bag, and it was shocking to see all the different kinds.  I need to take them to a chemist to get rid of them, but again, I'm ashamed somehow - I worry what they'll think when they see them. 

I live in an isolated place really - and so things like this seem very over-whelming sometimes.

I know all of these things probably sound ridiculous in many ways, but it's really got on top of me, and I have found it very difficult to cope.

The other thing is that I keep thinking about my sister, and she has a Birthday coming up, and I tell my partner that I feel guilty for not sending her a card, and yet I'm estranged from her, and haven't even seen her since I was aged 6 years old.  So this guilt, what is it about?  He said I couldn't easily have a relationship with her, and I've tried by E-mail, and it didn't work out.

I can see I'm writing as a younger child somehow - because I feel like I'm younger as I write this, but I know I'm a whole person.


Thanks for the encouragement (everyone in this forum) for getting through the social things - I did manage it, and I feel like I'm being more open to people in interactions, and thankfully I've held it together enough not to appear too weird.  I think so anyway.


I feel upset inside now - it's like parts of me are wailing.  So I guess they're not all that pleased that I'm writing, but I can also feel other parts of me settling, and knowing that it's ok to write this here.


I'll come back later - hopefully and write more.

I'm surprised how much I have written, and glad I agreed not to edit this.

Hope  :)

 :hug: Hope you are working so hard to put things to right. Step by step I can see such great strides.  I wish I could give you a really big hug. :hug:. It's hard to feel alone and like no one really gets it.

My T says that people me because I'm honest, and real?  When I was split and Pollyanna was out more she said she was nice but there was something not quite right there.
I think normal people seeing other quircks or imperfections it puts them at ease.  Where I was I raised that imperfection meant trash and should be treated as such. So like you said it is our twisted perspectives from our FOO that we must fight against not our current friends and family.

Thank you for writing big hug of hope and courage as you continue today Hope. :hug:

QuoteI know all of these things probably sound ridiculous in many ways

Nope, they don't! It all sounds pretty overwhelming really, how much pressure you currently have.

You're so compassionate to others here, I hope you give yourself the same compassionate regard today.  :hug:

Hello Tee, and Three Roses,
Thank you both so much.   :hug: :hug:

***********
Back again, and I am feeling a bit better - I've been trying to do some self care and trying to relax.  I've had a bath and a sleep and a cup of herbal tea, and I feel better.  I think I need to try to do more of this, because my system has been on over-drive, and whilst I was in a shop this morning, I was feeling panicky, and over-whelmed, and I can't go out without lists to remind me of what I need to get as my brain isn't working properly, so I'm going to try hard to relax so that I get my brain power back again.

Hope  :)

Chance to write a bit more - I've been playing music - trying to hear different things, songs I've not heard before, plus some old ones from the 1980's - evocative when I hear those.

Ironically I just had to turn off the track, as it was too busy and loud - a modern song that wasn't my taste.  Now there is quiet.  But that's ok.

I think that there's an adolescent part of me that has woken up, and she's been with me this past few days - and she is the one who swears quite a bit and holds a lot of anger, but she wasn't allowed to express that - and she's been holding it in.  But she's letting it out quite a bit in the past few days, and I've ended up screaming out loud sometimes, especially if I've dropped something, and my partner was worried about me today - but I've tried to reassure him that I'm ok.

But the adolescent part has a bad streak in her as well - so I am going to have to be careful that she doesn't act out too much.  It's behaviour I've seen in myself in the past, and particularly when I've been feeling out of sorts with myself, and stressed out.  So I'm going to be wary and make sure that part of me doesn't affect me and make me do things that I will then regret.  I am pretty sure that the adult part of me is in control of things, but I have been concerned about how things have been this past few days.

But right now, at this moment, I feel quite a lot better.  Probably because of the bath, the sleep, the herbal tea, and the fact things are quiet now and I'm alone. 

****Trigger words as mentioning things related to CSA
I can't bring myself to go into the other part of the forum to write this, and I feel like I can write it here, in my Journal - so I will.  I had been watching one of the Healing videos in a recent online conference and it was by Pat Ogden I think, but I had also watched quite a few of the other ones, and as a result, I'd tried when asleep to put a few things that were suggested into place, and communicate with my inner children/parts, and also feel where my emotions lay in my body.

During my sleep - I experienced what can only be described as a very violent thrusting action, and I saw at the same time a visual of a phallic thing, and I felt as if my insides were tiny and being torn in two (this upsets me a lot as I write this).  The physical pain that accompanied this was like nothing I've experienced before, I really felt it.  It woke me up, and I was shocked by it.  It made me wonder if I had been raped as a young child.  I don't know.

The physical feeling remained with me for 2 whole days - I felt as if my stomach had been thumped significantly and it was feeling very bruised, and I struggled to eat as much, and I struggled to sleep.

****End of Trigger warning

I've been able to say this in the light of day, and it's felt ok - I am now quite distant in my emotions.  I am glad I've written it out.

I have been reading information about women's issues, and I noticed it said that sometimes a woman's pelvic floor can drop, and fall into another part of her body - and I then wondered if maybe I had experienced that - because the other thing that happened in those next couple of days was that I was literally
***trigger warning again here
I was literally experiencing poo coming out of my back passage, as it if was diarrhoea, and that happened for a couple of days, whilst I had the bruised feeling.
**end of trigger warning.

I am feeling much better physically - that experience happened for those two days, and since I recovered, I'm back to normal again, so maybe it was something else entirely.

That was what worried me about the experience, I discovered more than I bargained for, but at the same time, I don't know quite how to make sense of what happened.

I know the Body Keeps the Score - and mine clearly holds quite a lot.  I am honoured that my littles and parts are beginning to allow me to communicate with them, and I believe that they will tell me more - but at the same time, I think I reassured them that I was 'sufficiently ok' to hear those things, and maybe I wasn't ready for what they showed me there.

I have got a back-up plan with regard to a T that I've seen in the past, whom I could go to see if I feel I should.  But I want to hold back, as I do feel like I'm feeling better - and less desperate - i.e. more grounded.

I'm not sure the T would be the right person for me, but at least she does know me, and I did trust her. 

(((The thing I feel ashamed about - is what I'm going to say now)))

I am ashamed that I have pretended/lied about getting paid employment - the truth is I am doing voluntary work, and I wanted to feel better in myself by saying it was paid - so that's what I did - pretended I'd had an interview and stuff like that, because it was to help part of me feel better about myself.

But I am doing voluntary work, and even that is something I struggle with - and there have been arguments and issues amongst people there, and I have become embroiled in some of the conflicts, and it's not felt very nice.  It makes me wonder why I do it, but there are other people that I like there - and whom I want to continue doing the work.

I felt guilty for lying - but I recognised that it's a pattern for me to lie about things - like saying I'm an 'only child' when I've had a sister all my life, and other such lies that I've been made to say by FOO and I want to start being authentic and true in what I say.

Anyway, there are worse lies I could have told, I realise that, but somehow I carry things to heart too much.

I'll stop writing now, but it was good to write these things and get them out.

Hope  :)

Imo there's no harm in protecting yourself. The things you've said were about self protection and not designed to hurt anyone. Totally understandable, acceptable imo.

I am sad to hear about the physical symptoms you've been having, and angry that people hurt innocent children such as yourself.

You deserve health and happiness and wellness. You deserve to be free of these physical remnants. I'm standing solidly in your corner, rooting for you.

I agree with 3R. You were protecting and shielding yourself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Completely understandable. I recognise your authenticity and bravery in speaking about it.

I'm sorry you've been going through such a rough time. I have so much admiration for you in having the courage to post about this, and I'm glad you feel better for writing. Just remember that whatever you went through, you survived. You're strong. Sending you love, support and hugs.  :hug:

hope, i'm with everyone else in the idea that you were somehow feeling the need to protect yourself.  i admire the courage and determination you have shown here, writing this, not erasing it, letting your truth out.  letting the light shine on what we find shameful is something that helps diminish the shame.  thank you for sharing all this with us.  you are loved and cared about here.

may i also say something about the bathroom issue?  i think you may have been releasing toxins from your body.  this stuff has been poison inside us, and when we're ready, our bodies can finally eject it from where we've been holding it.  it's happened to me more than once.

sending love and a hug filled w/ peace and compassion.   :hug:

Hope work paid out unpaid is still work. It's still an occupation and people and animals still depend on you.  You are Courageous for spreading the truth.  I agree with the others.   :hug:

Sounds like you've been having a really rough time, but you've done great working through it! It is really commendable the way you have shared and brought forward some of the things you said you felt guilty about. Take care! :)

20th August 2019

I can see so many people wrote things, and I haven't read them all yet, but I will do so - it's just that if I read them now, I know I'll get very tearful.  But that's something that will be good for me, as I know it's been cleansing and helpful to write things. 

I thought to myself that the reason I couldn't or didn't feel able to take the information about my 'bathroom experiences' and the nighttime experience I wrote about above to the CSA part of the forum, was that I wasn't sure if it was an accurate thing.  It shocked me so much at the time, almost to the core of my being - but now I've written about it, and put it here in this journal, I realise I couldn't take it to the CSA place, because it might not have been what happened.  (There's other things telling me that it is a possibility though)

When I think about my nighttime terrors that I've had in the past, I know that some of those things could never have actually happened - e.g. when I had armed men in the room trying to kill me - I feel absolutely sure that nothing like that has ever actually happened to me - I've only seen things like that on TV or films, or sadly in the news.  So the fact I saw something upsetting and felt such a strong reaction in my body, it doesn't mean that it actually happened to me.  (But it could have done).

I told my partner that I'd admitted that I am only doing voluntary work rather than paid work, and he said that was a little thing - and I shouldn't really have worried about it.  He spoke of how people's professional lives can be such a great part of their identity, and he thought that was probably also true for me - so the fact I lost my professional life and am now trying to do other things - it's tough to adjust. 

I didn't think I would be so affected by it, but the truth is that I am.

I want to thank everyone who has said something inbetween my last entry and this one - I hope to read what you wrote later, but right now, I'm trying to sort out some things, and focus my day. 

:grouphug: to everyone.
I appreciate your replies and thank you.
Hope  :)

 :hug: Hope from my experience when you have somatic memories like you did.  Those usually are you bodies way of trying to make you remember.  I've had bruises over my body from nightmares/flashbacks.  They suck but they are from things that happened.  I hope that you are able to rest and find peace in this, but trust yourself and you're body.  You don't have to delve into it and find the root memory to bring it to the for front of your mind but it doesn't mean it didn't happen.  Hugs.  :hug:I hope you have a good day.

Hi Tee,
Thank you - what you said makes sense, and I appreciate it. I have been resting and trying to trust myself and my body - and it's been helpful.   :hug: to you Tee.

***********
23rd August
I felt as if I was more of an adult when I woke today, as if I was more adult-like than I've felt in a long time.  I felt more capable and competent and thought that I can handle some things and get things done. 

I felt a bit of a fraud for a few days, because I'd lied about my employment - made out I had a paid job when I am doing voluntary work - and wondering why I needed to do that - but I think it was to protect my ego, because my ego has been bruised by experiences and I guess I wanted to feel valued.  But when I think about it, doing voluntary work is something similarly valued, and there's nothing to be ashamed about.  I guess I was also ashamed that I'd resorted to lying, because lying is something I don't like, but which I've had to do from a small child, as adults told me lies, and wanted me to perpetuate the lies.  I did - telling people I was an only child, when I knew that I had a sister, but at the same time sometimes wondering whether I made her up, and even wondering if she actually ever existed.  But I know she did - she is alive and well - but sadly we are estranged. 

Anyway, the good thing is that I feel more like an adult self today - but with a much better grip on knowing who my inner children and smaller parts are, and I am so grateful that they communicate with me - although the level and intensity of that communication this past few weeks has been over-whelming.

I was so over-whelmed, and I literally thought I was going under in terms of my well-being - I reached out to a few people, including here - and also to some friends, but mostly I leaned on my partner - and I feared that I had dragged him down and worried him too much, and that scared me a lot.  But the great thing is that our relationship feels stronger for having communicated about things, and we have got through this, and things are better than they were before.  I believe that.

Three Roses quoted something recently from Bessel van der Kolk about how communication is the opposite of trauma - I've probably mis-quoted by repeating this - but it helped me, as I have been beginning to fully communicate, or at least expand what I share and how much I say - in real life to real life relationships.  I don't mean to demean the relationships I experience here in this forum by saying that, as I value them incredibly, but I know I'm more able to say things here - to people I've not met in physical space, than I am to share things with people I know in my social and personal sphere.  Strange but true.

My experience this past few weeks, and months and last couple of years, is that I've been gradually opening up and sharing things - and that the effect on my friends has been that they've reciprocated and shared things that I never knew before about them, and it's been very positive.  This sounds like it's all been easy - it hasn't been - I'm just sharing that I think being more open and less fearful has been good for me, and also for my relationships in real life.

I have felt better able to 'feel' things this past few weeks, although the intensity of those things has been frightening at times, and I've been shocked by it in some respects, but at the same time, I like being able to feel some happiness and excitement about life.  I find it harder to tolerate the feelings of anger that I'm having - because I feel as if my angry teen self is with me on a daily basis at the moment, and sometimes she has acted out making me do things I wouldn't normally do - and that's been tough, but actually also amusing at some levels as well.  I can't think of an example just now.

I can think of some examples of how my little Hopes have been acting out - because that has been a bit embarrassing in some social situations, and I don't want to repeat those things here, because I feel convinced that someone reading this might actually recognise seeing an adult woman behaving that way - and will know exactly who I am and what I was doing that day - so I guess I feel embarrassed about that, but honestly, if I told you what Little Hope encouraged me to do do, I think you'd laugh and say it was cute that she got her way in that situation, and that there was no harm in what she did.

I know I'm being enigmatic (skirting around what it was) but I am too embarrassed to say what it is.

I've made some strides in terms of sorting out some of the issues that were going on in my work (I'll continue to say work, even though it's voluntary), but there were numerous arguments and issues, and it wasn't very nice.  I have talked to some supervisors in the organisation about it, and they have been trying to sort things out.  It has got a bit better, and I've agreed to carry on working - but I'm reducing the time I spend, and therefore I'm looking to fill that time with things that might actually make me some income!  I have some ideas in mind, but I'm currently thinking that I need to perhaps do some courses and re-train and then I can focus on things I'd like to accomplish.  I'm relatively old though, but my view is that people can work through their golden years, if it's something that they enjoy - and I'd like to find that thing, and I have some ideas - and I have hopes and expectations now that I can fulfill some aspirations.

I think there's a bit of a grandiose self with me today, as I write, and she tends to make me think I can accomplish things, and do things, and I guess she makes me feel more adult, and less childlike, so maybe she is writing this - although I appreciate that 'I' am writing this, I am a whole person, but I do think that I blend with my fragmented selves from time to time, and that one or more of them drive my behaviour and my responses etc.  But I am always in control of myself - at least as long as I stay away from alcohol - I am not in control of myself whenever I drink too much - I've realised that over the years, and whilst I've never had a drink problem - I recognise that I need to stay away from alcohol - I restrict myself to just 1 drink and I don't have it very often.

I think there's something triggering about alcohol, I've had ex boyfriends who have drunk a lot, and that's been difficult for me.   My sister told me that she also has issues around alcohol too - and I wonder if that's relating to our FOO, or to our experiences as we've grown up.  That's something I wonder about.

I'll stop writing for now, but I'm glad to have written this today.
Hope  :)

You sound in a much better place, Hope.  :hug:

Wow, Hope! I hear and sense so much progress in there :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: It also really does sound as if you're more in your Adult self too.

Maybe some time you'll feel able to tell us what Little Hope inspired you to do. I do feel intrigued. But your feeling of safety is paramount. My Littles have helped me on occasion too ;)

You do sound like you feel better, and I'm glad for it.  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, Blueberry and Three Roses,
Thank you all  :grouphug:
I am relieved to be out of the massive EF's that I seemed to find myself in over the past few days - it's like I've emerged from a pool of murky water, where I was struggling to find the surface, and now I'm somehow able to see more clearly - than I did before.
I don't know whether this will last, or how things will progress, but I am pleased with how things are today - so far so good.
But it is hot this weekend, so I am eager to preserve my energy and not overdo anything.  I remember SanMagic's advice about keeping hydrated and I'm keen to do that.
I have written myself some lists of things I'd like to accomplish over the weekend - it's a long weekend, so I'm pleased about that too.
I'd like to read people's diaries over the weekend to catch up, as I feel quite distant from what's been going on, and feel like I've been caught up and pre-occupied. 
Regarding the weekend, there isn't much that's pre-planned socially, and I'm glad about that, as I don't like social things.  But there could be some last minute invites, that can happen, so I hope I'll be strong enough to cope with those.  I think I will, but I'll see how it goes.
Hope  :)

Hope, glad your head is above the water. Take it easy this weekend. You've been through a lot lately. 

Take care of yourself, Hope. There's nothing wrong with having a rest over a hot weekend.  :)

Hi Notalone & Snowdrop,
Thank you both so much  :hug: :hug:

***********
24th August 2019
So hot today, I feel as if I'm wilting literally, but I am trying to keep hydrated and I've been trying to do some filing and sorting through things.  I am making some progress, and it feels ok so far.

Taking it easy though.
Hope  :)

hey, hope,

i haven't been around much lately, but wanted to see what you've been up to, which has been a lot! 

i just want to say that i don't think it's a bad thing to be able to let that inner child out and do some 'playing' once in a while.  if you think of the pure joy of children at play, how their faces look, their smiles and laughter, i think it would have been fun to see you doing some of that.  i'm glad you were able to experience it, but a little sad that you feel embarrassed by it.  my own opinion, but i think it's a good thing to be childlike at times (different from childish).  there's a certain freshness and wonder that i don't think we've been able to feel very often in our lives. 

as far as your employment status goes, i liked what your partner said, and agree with it.  too often we have so much self-esteem wrapped around our jobs, work, etc.  i think there's a lot of pressure about it.  i know that when i had to quit working cuz of being too sick, it took me a long time to get thru those thoughts and beliefs about not doing something constructive in the world.

however, doing volunteer work or working without pay is very constructive, important, and worthwhile, to my mind.    i see it as a way to give of your time and energy so that others can benefit, even if you're not being paid for it.  the emphasis on money, earning power, comparisons can drive us bonkers.  thanks for being able to share your truth - i know it took courage to do that, and i give you a lot of credit for it.   :thumbup:

stay cool.  sending love and a hug filled with some brisk autumn breeze.   :hug:

 :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you wrote. It is much appreciated.   :hug:
Hi Tee,
Thank you so much  :hug:
Everyone - thank you so much for all your support - I read back what you all wrote in recent weeks, the other day, and it filled me with tears of emotion, and it was very meaningful and felt very emotional.   Thank you  :grouphug:

**********
27th August 2019
I'm in a better head-space currently, and I feel calmer.  I am so relieved, because I really worried about myself over the past few weeks, it felt over-whelming and difficult, but I've come through it, and I think I feel stronger.

I'm trying to pace myself better, and just trying to accomplish things step by step - using baby steps (to use a phrase I just read in Jdog's journal), and those sound like good steps and pace to take.

Will hope to write more, when the time feels right.  I think I am just settling at the moment after a lot of upheaval internally - my inner selves were in turmoil for a while, and now they're settling and readjusting.

Hope  :)

baby steps rock, and so do you!  i love that you're finding your own pace, and not discounting your progress, no matter how small it may seem.   :thumbup:

ever forward, hope.  love and hugs to you.   :hug:

❤️ and  :hug:

So glad you're feeling better Hope! Take care! :)

I'm glad you've come through the other side. Taking time to settle sounds good. :hug:

Hi hope
Good to catch up on your journal, I've a basically skimmed through and was thankful for your compassion and awareness of your parts /littles, it was a good reminder for me, just yesterday my therapist was telling me to be compassionate to a part of myself I'm struggling with. (A lot) instead I've been trying to push it away.
I've missed you
Xo wb

Hi everyone,
I am happy to be feeling somewhat better than I was over the previous weeks, because it was very draining and I worried myself.  Thank you to everyone who has replied to me here - and Wattlebird - I missed you as well - and I'm glad you're back, and I'd like to wish you the best with being compassionate to a part of yourself, as I think that's a challenging thing to do, but worthwhile, and here's to us both trying to do that.  I have also felt that I've pushed things away or repressed them, or not wanted to look at them sometimes, and yet communicating with parts - it does help, even though it's hard to do.  I am very grateful to the fact you have been doing that kind of thing, as it has been helpful to me.   :hug:

*******
30th August 2019
I came here at this moment as I feel a sense of unrest within myself, and a feeling of some kind of grief hanging over me.  Almost as if there is a part of myself that is very upset, and I am not sure why.  I am also very hot as the weather is hot and I am struggling with that.  I am trying to keep hydrated and I always think of SanMagic's great advice on that.  I am trying to keep hydrated.

This recent week has been tough as my partner ended up talking to me about how my behaviour in recent weeks had made him feel, and I hadn't realised how much I'd impacted on him, and it made me feel very bad.  It had been tough for him.  I hadn't realised how much.  But normally I try to keep myself together to ensure that things are nicer for other people, and I recognise the codependant aspects of myself in doing that.  But in recent weeks I wasn't able to hold myself together, and I was coming apart at the seams (or so it felt in many ways) and so I wasn't as in control as I might appear to be, on the outside, and I was vulnerable and I felt weak. 

I am relieved that my partner was able to talk to me about his feelings, and that we've got through that ok, but at the same time, I felt guilty for throwing him off balance, and for making him feel fearful etc.

I have to go, as I can hear him coming.  But I hope to come back and talk more over the weekend about these things.

Hope  :)

It's a beautiful thing when two people can work together to bring honesty, balance and mutual respect into their relationship. I'm inspired by this post! Thanks, Hope, and a gentle nurturing :hug: to you if that's okay.

Glad you're feeling better Hope, and its good you were able to talk things through with your partner. I hope the guilty feeling doesn't become too much of a problem for you. Take care! :)

Hi Three Roses & Jazzy,
Thank you both  :hug: :hug:

***********
1st September 2019
It seems strange to see 'September' already - it's like time has gone extra fast this past month, I feel as if the month lasted forever in some ways, and yet in others it's like it sped by and I didn't know where it all went.  I feel like I've emerged from the events of the last few weeks almost as if I've shed a skin - like a butterfly emerging from a cacoon, and being fragile when first tasting the air outside, and not knowing quite how to fly.  Taking tentative steps, and feeling a bit weak and uncertain.

At the same time, I do sense that things have changed, and that there have been adjustments and changes within myself, and within my parts.  My relationship with them is different, and I want to be able to express the differences and maybe talk about them more, in my Journal and maybe in other parts of this forum too, and I hope that I'll be able to allow myself to do that over the coming month.

I was reading a book yesterday by Brene Brown called 'The Gifts of Imperfection, and there were a few words within that book that were very helpful to me, and I want to quote them, so I don't forget them:

Brene Brown wrote: "Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story.  It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared.  Shame loves secrecy.  The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story.  When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.  I remember saying out loud: "I need to talk to someone RIGHT NOW.  Be brave, Brene! 
She goes on to say:
"But here's he tricky part about compassion and connecting: We can't call just anyone.  It's not that simple.  I have a lot of good friends, but there are only a handful of people whom I can count on to practice compassion when I'm in the dark shame place.  If she share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.  We want solid connection in a situation like this - something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground."

Brene then goes through a whole list of reactions from friends that might not be helpful, and at the end, she says this:
"When we're looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend, and, most of all, we need someone who embraces us for our strengths and struggles.  We need to honour our struggle by sharing it with someone who has earned the right to hear it.  When we're looking for compassion, it's about connecting with the right person at the right time about the right issue."

Anyway, I'm finding the book quite useful and uplifting so far.  Brene Brown was an academic who did a lot of research into shame and I just stumbled across her book whilst in an online library called Libby - so that's how I found it, I didn't need to buy - I can just read it online, and that's nice.

I admit I've been a bit apprehensive to go back to any of the self-help books I've read previously at the moment, because I want to just centre myself and I hope to feel a bit stronger before attempting more self-help.  So Brene's book seemed like a nice option to read, and I'm just reading a little each day.  I only started her book yesterday - and I've only read a few pages, but it seems like a book that I will enjoy and get something out of it.

Hope  :)

QuoteIf we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.

I can relate to that so much. It sounds like a useful book to read.

I love your butterfly analogy. So beautiful, and a new beginning.  :hug:

 I also easily relate to these observations and then some. Sadly, this only reinforces the loneliness aspect, while it also alerts one to the complexity of this mess we know as cptsd. We yearn to trust, then learn we can't risk it either. So many what/ifs in all of this, made doubly difficult by wanting to reach out, always wondering what the reaction might be and ... will it hurt, all over again? Then comments like 'just get over it' pours salt on the wounds. Back to loneliness.

In the end, the wisest choice seems to the butterfly analogy. Thanks for your commentary, Hope.  :hug:

 :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, Woodsgnome & Tee,
Thank you all  :hug: :hug: :hug:
I'll take the 'butterfly analogy' and will try to fly with it today.   :)
:grouphug:
Hope  :)

3rd September __
I'm ok so far - although events from the weekend are still in my mind, as I had a bit of an argument with a family member of my partner, and it has annoyed me and I feel like I can't get past it at the moment, but I'll do my best to put it behind me. 
Regarding my inner parts, I feel as if there are older parts with me now - relating to my adolescence and my early 20's, and I guess the ages are around 12 through till 19 years, and memories from that time in my life are surfacing more.  I also feel like I have more anger with me.  Like an angry part is there. 
I feel as if I want to do some 'letters to' but at the same time, I fear what I might say if I started to write one of those letters.  Normally I feel like I can't get the words out, but I'm wondering if maybe I can now, and then I might say something that I'd regret, so that's a dilemma.  Maybe that's what holds me back.  But I feel like I'm on the cusp of 'getting there' to write something, to express some feelings, to get them out.  I hope to try to do that - maybe later in the week, depending on how I feel.

There are also flashes from younger parts too - who remind me that they're there.  So I am mindful not to forget them, to remember there are many parts of me, who want to be heard and want to stay with me.  I am grateful to them all, because they have helped me get through life, and I want to ensure I don't leave them behind on this journey forward.  I know they are scared of that, and so I want to reassure them, it's ok, we're in this together, and it's going to be ok. 

Hope  :)

Quoteit's ok, we're in this together, and it's going to be ok. 

And we are here with you, too.  :hug:

You could always write a letter out, but keep it to yourself if you are afraid of the consequences of someone else reading it. Sometimes it can be helpful just to write out what you are feeling.

 :hug:

Thank you Three Roses, Jazzy and Tee  :grouphug:
Hope  :)

5th September __
I feel quite low today moodwise, and I feel like I'm in touch with grief and upset, and I feel like I want to cry, but it's all being held inside somehow and not wanting to come out.  I feel as if I have a lump in my throat, and my head hurts too.  Like a dull headache, and a bit like sinus kind of pain in a way.  Not sure what it is.  I've been over-eating as well, which I think is comfort eating.  Wanting to fill a void that is there.  I'm not sure what the triggers are to this today.  I think I could find the triggers if I thought about it, but I'm not sure which thing it is - there are a few things that it could be.  I am seeing a friend this evening, so I hope that I can get myself into some kind of sociable frame of mind by then.   I am not sure how easy that will be.  I want to cancel, but I know that I want to see my friend. 

Maybe I'll take something for my headache.  Painkiller of some sort.  Might help. 

Hope  :)

i hope you have a lovely time with your friend, sweetie, and also hope you're not getting sick.  maybe you'll discover the trigger(s) behind what you're feeling and will be able to get things in their proper places.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic - I did have a nice time with my friend, and thanks for your reply - I think maybe I have got an underlying bug of some kind, as I don't feel completely ok, but I'm not too bad at the same time - so maybe it's just a small thing, and I'll shake it off hopefully.  I was pleased that I managed to see my friend, and that I didn't cancel the arrangement.    Thank you also for the love and hug filled with clarity - I felt that  :hug:

***********
7th September __
This morning I woke up and felt low in mood but as the day has gone on, I have found that I feel better - and also I feel as if there have been some moments when I've felt some happiness and some joy.  So that was a nice thing, and it was unexpected really.  I have just read something that Slim wrote in another part of the forum, where Slim spoke of feelings being created, and children, and I relate to that - because when I'm getting in touch with my feelings, I relate to them in terms of being different parts of myself, and it's like they are 'me' at different ages.

I really related to Slim's writing and what Slim said.  It made a lot of sense, and I have been feeling as if an adolescent part of me is currently blending a bit with me - because I have felt more adolescent as a whole person for a few days, and it's affected me in many ways. 

I've just remembered also that I woke this morning with a pain in my left half of my head, and it made me think that a pre-verbal part of myself had been active overnight, and had caused this pain.  But I can't relate to what happened or what the things were, as my memory won't bring them back to me - I just 'sense' it. 

My mind has gone blank now as I try to think of things to write, it's like nothing will come, so I'll hope to come back later when I have more to say.
Hope  :)

i give you so much credit, hope, for continuing to embrace your parts, allow them to be, and to ultimately integrate into the whole that is you.  i had a brush w/ an adolescent part of me when i first moved in w/ my d.  it was about the mr., and honestly, i felt like a hormonal teen and she was the mom figure.  first time i'd ever felt like that in my life.  luckily, my d stood her ground and we were able to work thru it, and that part of me is not at the fore anymore, but it was an interesting experience.  i hope yours is interesting more than unsettling - that wouldn't be as comfortable, i don't think.

so, you're feeling better?  hope so.   i'm glad you saw your friend, that it went well for you.  very cool!   :yes:

that is so great that you felt moments of happiness and joy!  is there anything better than that?  i don't think so.  here's to wishing you feel more and more of those as time goes on.  you deserve them, sweetie.  love and hugs!   :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for giving me that example of how it was for you when you brushed with the adolescent part of  yourself.  I'm glad you were able to get through that, and work it out with your d.  Regarding my own experience, I think it is mostly interesting, and occasionally unsettling, but I'm doing ok with it.  I think that acknowledging that she is an adolescent 'part' of me - rather than an integral aspect of myself, makes it somehow easier to cope with.  But I do feel blended sometimes, and that is disconcerting when that happens.  You asked me if I'm feeing better - yes, I think so.  Thanks so much - you are a caring and thoughtful person, SanMagic, and I'd like to send you a hug if that's ok  :hug:  Thank you for your love and hugs, I appreciate them.   :hug:

***********
9th September __

I was reading some E-mails that my sister had sent me - and I was reading through what she had written, and I was shocked because it was as if I'd not been able to process or read them correctly when I'd first read them.  It was as if a lens had been put infront of the words, and their meaning had been twisted by that lens - so that I was unable to see and grasp some of the things she had been saying.  Honestly, it was like there must have been a part of me who had not wanted me to see some of what she'd written there.  I felt as if I was reading those things this time with fresh eyes, and a fresh understanding.  It was a strange experience and I also looked through some old documents that I had as well - and noticed new and fresh things I'd not noticed or seen before. 

So this is something that is taking me a while to re-process, and I think I feel a mixture of feelings about it.  Maybe it's that I'm more able to sit with uncomfortable feelings and not necessarily push them away or dissociate from them - and that makes it easier for me to actually 'see' things. 

It's almost making me wonder if I can reach out to my sister again and re-gain some kind of contact, but I need to be very careful about that, as I've tried a couple of times so far, and the outcome hasn't been good.  So maybe I won't act on that thought that maybe it's a good idea.

The other thing that happened this week was that I saw an old friend and I talked to that friend about some personal things, and shared some things I'd never told her before, and she was so supportive and she told me that she wants to look into finding a T for me - that she thinks I could do with a good T to help me, and that she thinks she can find someone.  There was part of me that was very touched by her wanting to do that, and offering to do that, but there was also other parts of me that didn't want that to happen.  I know she will only do this if I specifically ask her to - so I know that she won't just go ahead.  I guess I'm humbled by the fact she wanted to help me.   But I told her that I have a support group and that I'm ok.  By support group, I mean here - because this is my support group - everyone here  :grouphug:

Regarding my parts, I am aware that some of my adolescent aged parts are trying to communicate with me, in my sleep at night - and I'm also getting in contact with a feeling of terror and dread at night too - but not knowing what age that is connected to, and not really getting much substance behind what the feeling is.  It doesn't worry me or upset me though, I am just trying to be mindful and think about the fact it is being shared with me.  That is a better way to experience it, and I find that helpful.

Regarding my work, I am still doing the voluntary work, but I'm cutting down the amount of time I do that - which is fine by the people I work for, as they are happy about whatever work is done for them.  I'm beginning to look at things I'd like to do that might bring me some money at some point - I can afford to live as I am currently, but I'd like to have money to spend on extras a bit more often, so I'll be thinking about how I can generate some income.  I have some ideas, and I think I could make a success of them - that's the optimistic part of me that feels that.  But I need to do some courses and learn a couple of new skills, so I need to look into that.  But at least I am putting something into place, in my mind, and I need to act on those thoughts.

I feel more optimistic just now.  It's a good feeling.

Hope  :)

This sounds like progress, Hope.  :hug:

Hope, I don't have anything specific to say. Just want to sent care and support.

Hi Snowdrop and Notalone - thank you both so much.   :hug: :hug:

***********
11th September __
I've been looking through more stuff that I've written in the past - on paper notes that I keep in a book, and I've also been re-reading some of my sister's E-mails.  My sister's Birthday is coming up soon, and I am once again considering whether to re-contact her to send her a card or not.   We are estranged and I've not seen her since I was 6 years old, so that is decades ago.  I watch those TV programmes about Davina McCall reuniting families - and they often show them meeting up and crying with joy and love for each other, and it looks like it's a happy ending, but I can't imagine it's really like that - I think it's for TV that they portray it that way, and I wonder about all the families where the outcome was different.  This makes me feel upset inside, it makes me want to cry, but I'm not crying, just a lump in my throat. 

I am taking a day today to try to get myself more organised, and sort out some things at home.  I have the entire day to do that and I hope to do stuff and get some things done.  I'm going to write myself a list, and see what I can do.

Hope  :)

i, too, have a sister from whom i'm estranged, over 25 yrs. now.  my experience has not been good when there has been an effort made to reconnect.  the last time was when i was so sick w/ cancer and thought i was dying.  my bro got upset, emailed my sis to tell her, thought it would be a kind of 'get all us siblings back together' kind of thing.  well, she didn't even acknowledge what he sent, let alone show any care for me, and that hurt me a lot.  i just don't want to see that happen to you, dear hope.  i know you've tried w/ her before and it hasn't ended well.  please, be careful w/ this.

hugs from you are always more than ok, by the by. 

as far as getting a t, just my own personal thought - i wish i had one.  i know i'm getting along ok because of you and everyone here on the forum, but some decent therapeutic help would, at least for me, be so welcome.  it would give me direction, guidance, and a different kind of support because it would be thru another perspective that my issues could be looked at and acted upon.  it would be a relief not to have to figure this out more or less on my own and make these decisions about what to do next, how to do it, etc.  just my thoughts.  of course, i support your knowing what's best for you.

and, i think it's sweet that your friend offered that for you, and also that she'll respect your decision.  good for you for taking that risk w/ her and telling her some of your life.  very brave of you, hope.

sending love and a hug filled w/ personally healthy decisions.  you're the only one who knows what's best for you.  :hug:

Hi Hope I just wanted to pop in to say hi and send a  :hug:, it sounds like you are doing so much work. I tend to agree about the families on TV being stage managed, I am sure they're not all like that.

 :hug: hugs take care of you Hope!

Hi SanMagic,
I read what you wrote about your estranged sister, plus the other things you said in your reply to me, and I read them a couple of days ago, and they really helped me - thank you.  I know that this time of year is proving to be more challenging for me, because her Birthday is coming up, and I am ending up feeling some uncomfortable feelings and then don't know whether to act on them or not, and of course, I have numerous parts of myself who have different thoughts and feelings about what to do, how to act etc.
But thankfully - I have mentioned it here, and received such a helpful reply from yourself, which helps a lot.  I'm trying to give myself time to think about what I will actually do.  So far, I think I would be better not to make further contact with my estranged sister.  Part of me actually wanted me to cut off contact via Facebook too - by removing her from my contacts - but I'm not sure whether I want to act on that thought, as it seems quite aggressive somehow to do that.

Hi SaB - Thanks so much for that hug, it is much appreciated, and also what you said about the TV families on TV being stage managed - I agree, I think that is a possibility quite often - the more I talk to people about their experiences with their families,  I realise that what can be portrayed on the outside isn't necessarily what is happening within the family.   :hug:

Hi Tee - Thank you so much, and I appreciate that hug, and sending one back to you as well   :hug:

**********
14th September 2019
My partner told me that I've been waking up at night and saying things to him, and then being a bit confused when he replies to me - but I have no recollection of those things at all in the light of day.  He made me laugh, because last night he told me I had woken him by saying "Shhhh" and he'd said 'It's ok, you're asleep' and I'd replied 'Oh, ok' and then gone back to sleep, then he'd said 'Shhhh' - and I'd apparently replied 'Why are you doing that?' - and then I'd slept, and he said he was left feeling a bit annoyed that I had woken him, and now he's the one not sleeping, and I am sleeping again.  At least he was able to laugh about it with me today, and it's not upset him.  We both talked about the fact that it's much better than it used to be - i.e. I'm no longer crashing out of bed, or flailing about, or anything like that.  I am much calmer at night, these days.  That's better than previously.

Somehow I feel a bit silly now for having written about that.  It's like I wanted to write about more serious things, and now I can't think about what I wanted to say. 

Hope  :)

14th September 2019

***Might be Triggers in this writing, as I may mention CSA, but don't intend to write anything graphic here, but wanted to give a TW just incase:
I've been thinking for a while, and unable to commit any words to this space, but now I want to write something, because I think I've been avoiding certain things, and so I want to write myself a few notes to hopefully focus myself again - because I feel as if I'm ready to start to do more exploration and more befriending of my parts, and I feel that I've been skirting around things for a while, as I've felt unable to delve much deeper into things. 

I think I avoid the issue of whether to approach a T again - because I give the excuse of finances, but in reality, I have saved money, and I could pay for some therapy - but the truth of the matter is that I am reluctant to trust that the T would be able to help me.  My friend said she would help me to find someone that I could Skype - as she recognises the difficulty of where I live, as there is limited opportunities here for T.  I do have a T that I could see, that I've seen before, but I am not sure how much that person could help me as I didn't open up fully to her when I saw her, and she only knows certain things about me, and not all things about me.  I felt as if she didn't want to work with me on CSA - but I didn't know if that was my own fear of doing any work on CSA. 

I had been reading a book by Mary Bratton, and had started to do some experiential work on that, but that was ages ago.  I could therefore try to find that book again, and do some more work on that.
Or I could go back to the Dissociation Books that I had started reading, and take up where I left off on those.
Or I could do some work on my anger - and my feelings - I suspect that would be beneficial work, but maybe I would be better to do that via the CSA book. 
I'm not sure.

A T might be able to focus me, or work out with me where I should target my focus.  But then I suspect that if I saw my T I saw before, that she would be keen to know from me what I want - and maybe I don't know what I want.  So it feels like a difficulty.

For some reason there is part of me that wants me to tear up my old diaries - which are things I wrote by hand over the years, and part of me has an urge to just take those diaries and tear up the pages.  I am not sure why that is.  I normally like to keep things and read them back, and process and re-process them, but when I have read some of the things I wrote in those diaries, it's like it was written by someone who was just 'going through the motions' and not really 'feeling' anything.  Like a child had written those diaries, and the child was scared that they would be read.  I guess that was the case when I was a child - I remember writing just once about my sister in that diary, and then blacking out the words with a very thick black pen, so no one could see what I'd written, as I was so scared that my FOO (parents) would see what I'd written and realise that I knew the truth about our family - and that feels so ridiculous when I think of it, because I was being asked or expected to deny the existence of someone who was very much a part of our family at some time.

I'll leave it there for now, but I'm glad I was able to write these things.
Hope  :)

 :hug:

Hi Hope, I understand about being scared and approaching / dealing with a T and feeling like going through the motions, just wanted to send you a gentle  :hug: of support.

hey, sweetie,

a thought came to mind as i read what you wrote.  you were in a much different place when writing in your diaries before, and it shows, to my mind, how much progress you've made.  if they sounded like a child was writing them, that may have very well been exactly what had been happening.  the idea that you are getting more adult about yourself, acknowledging and integrating your parts, feeling your power and strength now is showing, especially as you begin to think of going back to books you've begun in the past but never finished.  you probably weren't able to do any more about them at that time.

as far as a t goes, it does sound like you're struggling.  not being forthcoming in therapy is going to be its own kind of experience.  that was a different you than you are today.l  i do believe that you'll know if/when it's time to try therapy once again.  there's a reason for all your hesitation, even if you don't quit know what it is.  take your time.  you're doing great so far!  sending love and a hug full of insight to you.   :hug:

 :hug: I second San's thoughts.  Sending love. :hug:

Hope - I've been reading but not responding - conserving energy - but now want to take the time to say 'hello' and send a supportive, validating hug to you.  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, SaB, SanMagic. Tee and Three Roses,
Thank you all for your replies and I appreciate the hugs and your kind thoughts  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
SanMagic - what you said makes sense to me, and I appreciate it - I think that whatever I read now, I am reading mainly with fresh eyes, as I have integrated more of myself and therefore approach things from a new perspective.  So I am hopeful that maybe when I re-read something, and approach the books I had attempted to read previously, that this time I will get something more from them, and I will keep growing and progressing.

I think that I have been experiencing some grief this past few days, as I realise and think about some things that have happened in my life.  But I am also able to think about some positive things that have also happened in that time - which balances it at least! 

19th September 2019
I am just taking each day as it comes, and I've just tried to write about what I'm accomplishing, but I've ended up feeling like I can't put those things into words right now, so I'll hope to come back another time, and write more.
Hope  :)

Just putting a link here to a Trauma Conference that I've signed up for, and the list of talks - it starts on 21st September 2019, and here is the link and also the list:

https://dianepooleheller.lpages.co/attachment-and-trauma-summit-2019-ifs/

Day 1: Richard Schwartz Ph.D. - IFS and Working with Trauma
Day 2: Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD - Mindfulness in Trauma Treatment: Fitting the Practice to the Person
Day 3: Lisa Ferentz, LCSW-C DAPA - Helping Clients Heal From Sexual Trauma
Day 4: David Grand, Ph.D. -  Brainspotting - Reaching the Hidden Realm of the Brain: Bypassing the Neocortex to Access the Subcortex
Day 5: Bonnie Goldstein, Ph.D. - Helping Our Adolescent Clients Help Themselves Through the Lens of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Engaging the Body to Overcome Trauma and Face Transitions
Day 6: Peter Levine, Ph.D. - Somatic Experiencing and Autonomic Dysregulation Syndrome
Day 7: Deb Dana, LCSW - Navigating the Nervous System: A Polyvagal Theory Guided Approach to Therapy
Day 8: Stephen Porges, Ph.D. - Demystifying the Body's Response to Trauma: A Polyvagal Perspective

It looks really good.  I've signed up and hope to manage to watch each of the talks.
Hope  :)

 :hug: Here's hoping you will gain some insights via the conference.

Dear Woodsgnome,
It's lovely to hear from you, and thank you for that hug and for hoping that I'll gain some insights via the conference - I am very much hoping that I will - and I'm excited to listen to the talks, they start tomorrow.  I am thankful there is just one each day, as I got over-whelmed by a previous conference that had three talks per day.  I couldn't keep up and I over-whelmed myself so much.  But I feel as if I can hopefully handle one per day, and I am especially excited to hear Richard Schwartz speak tomorrow, as I have read about his work on IFS and Working with Trauma - I think IFS stands for Internal Family Systems, I think so.

:hug: to you Woodsgnome

*************
20th September 2019
I am in a strange kind of mood today and I don't know how to describe it.  I feel as if I'm in a dream-world really, and like nothing is actually real

Oh no, I have to go, I wanted to write more now, but something has come up, and I need to stop.
Will be back later.
Hope  :)

20th September 2019
Back again.  I feel as if nothing is real today - like I'm in a dream-like state, and I wonder what is going on with myself.  I had to attend a meeting this morning, and it was very stressful, and I got myself worked up about it beforehand, and didn't know what to expect.  The reality of the situation was that it went ok, that the person I saw was very nice, and she was calm and pleasant and very nice to me.  I realised that the things I'd worried about beforehand, hadn't actually happened, and I was relieved.  But the result of that has been that for the remainder of the day, I am not able to connect so easily with the reality of life, and things just don't seem real.  I know they are real, but they just feel like I'm not connected to them.  It's almost like I'm floating and my head is a little dizzy.  I'm wondering if maybe this is a longer term state of de-realization.  I've had that before, but it's not normally lasted so long.  I'm wondering at the same time if it's because I've been comfort eating and I'm feeling numbed and blissed out on the comfort food.  Already I feel my clothes are tighter, and that is a feeling I don't like.  I must stop comfort eating - but it's hard to break it. 

I feel as if there's a tightness around my head, and also around my throat.  I am wondering what that physical feeling is communicating and which part of me is behind that feeling.  I feel worried too, because I have not felt as if I'm in control of what I'm saying or writing - and I worry that I've said something inappropriate.  Yes, I think this is what worries me the most, that maybe I am not in control of what I'm saying or communicating!  It's like I'm in another world - another experience - and not in the reality of the day to day existence at the moment.

I had been re-reading some diaries that I had kept from when I was a child and a teenager and a young adult, and they had made me reappraise things and realise things from a different perspective, and maybe this has thrown me, in terms of my understanding of stuff.  But I am also aware of the things I never wrote in those diaries, and which I remember only too clearly - and yet, there are massive gaps in my memory - and the gaps are at stages in my life that I wouldn't have expected to have forgotten things, and therefore that makes me wonder about what exactly might have happened at those times.  This scares me, and worries me and perplexes me.

My estranged sister's Birthday is approaching, and I have been looking at cards to 'sisters' - but I thought I'd just look to see what kind of card I would have liked to send to her, and I'm not actually going to send her anything, as we are once again estranged, but it's upset me to think of the loss of that relationship - and the fact that it was never allowed to be a relationship in the first place.

Actually I feel very upset as I write this, and I can feel tears and a constriction in my throat.    It's harder to swallow at this moment.

My head hurts too - and I feel tired.

I'm looking forward to the online conference about trauma that is due to start tomorrow, but I remember how over-whelmed I was when I last tried to watch an online conference.  I must ensure I keep my perspective and just listen to the talks, and not get over-stressed out.  I am excited about them, at the same time.

I think I felt some guilt and shame when I was reading my diaries through, because I thought that maybe my FOO had tried their best for me, in some ways, but I am also very aware that I tended to describe things in my diaries as being ok, when infact I didn't feel ok at all - I used to portray a perfect picture - whilst underneath that, I felt far from that. 

Anyway, it's felt better to write these things, as I am beginning to feel a bit more reality and less spacey - which is interesting, as I had feared that I might make myself feel worse if I wrote about it, but I actually feel a bit better!  So that's good.

It is a good thing to write about things and get them out.
Hope  :)

Hello Hope, I'm really glad that you feel a little better for writing things down and getting them out. I hope the rest of your day is restful and I hope you get lots out of the conference tomorrow, whatever is comfortable for you.  :hug:

Hi SaB,
Thank you  :hug:

********
21st September 2019
I watched the first of the talks on the online Trauma Conference, and the first session was interesting, and I took some notes - which I've shared in another part of this forum - not sure how clear they will be to others - but might be something there that's helpful.  I found it helpful to see the talk. 

I've been comfort eating quite a bit today - I need to get to grips with stopping doing that, as I don't want to end up piling on lots of weight.  I think that could happen if I don't stop.  I can feel some uncomfortable underlying feelings, and I guess that a protector part is making me comfort eat to try to numb those feelings, and I need to perhaps try to communicate with that part of me, and find out what is underlying it.  I'm not sure how to tackle this, but I will just be kind to myself over the weekend, and see what happens.

Hope  :)

I watched it too. I was really resistant at first, and didn't take any notes, so now I'm looking forward to reading yours!

I'm sure you will get to that problem when the time is right. Have a great rest of your weekend. Take care Hope! :)

Hi Jazzy,
Glad you watched the talk, and got past your initial resistance.  I read what you wrote in the other thread, and many thanks for your wishes for the weekend, it has been ok.  Hope yours was too.   :)

**********
22nd September 2019
I have been comfort eating a lot this weekend, but I am hoping to change that next week - starting tomorrow.  I will try to eat better. 
Hope  :)

23rd September 2019
I just wanted to write a few things, because I've just typed up my notes that I took about a talk on Sexual trauma (TW - mentioning my thoughts about it, might be triggering regarding content), and I noticed that I was so anxious this morning, because I knew I would be watching this talk, and I was anxious and scared about it.  But I did watch it.  I experienced quite a bit of spacey kind of feelings, and I also noticed feelings in my body as I watched - and weirdly at times I felt incredibly small as I looked at the women in the video - and I noticed things about their faces and their necks and their mouths, so it was a bit weird.  I think parts of me were experiencing the video differently - and I did need to stop it and replay bits, to get the notes I needed. 

I also noticed during the day that I felt angry feelings surfacing, and almost some stronger feelings - maybe even a rage bubbling about.  So it's definitely raised some feelings in me.  In different parts of me.

But now that I've shared the notes, I feel some relief at the same time, and I'm glad I was able to watch the video and write the notes, and then re-type the notes.  It was ok.  I am ok.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, glad you are feeling ok  :hug:

Thanks SaB  :hug:
Hope  :)

I felt awful for a while - later on today - it was like I had done something really wrong, and over-stepped lots of things, and I felt awful.  I wanted to comfort eat, and I had an over-whelming feeling inside, but I just couldn't relate to what would make me feel better.  But I am thankful that I do feel better now - calmer again, so I am thankful for that.

I'm going to try to be very careful this week, and not overdo things. 

There are things coming to the surface of my mind currently and I have a headache too. 

But I am ok.

Hope  :)

I'm glad you feel better, Hope. I can imagine that the conference sessions have stirred things up. Taking care of yourself sounds like a very good idea. :hug:

Hello Dear Hope.  It sounds like you have been looking at so much, rediscovering, relearning, learning anew... So many insights and such brave journeying and really allowing yourself to feel all the feels through it all.

I'm thinking of you. Hang in and be gentle with yourself right? It's a lot and you are doing amazing work.

Sending a  :hug: if that feels ok.

Hi Snowdrop - thank you.   :hug:
Hi MoonBeam - thank you.   :hug:

Snowdrop & MoonBeam - you are both very kind, and I appreciate your replies very much.   :hug: :hug:

*********
24th September 2019
I had been reading something that SaB had written in another part of the forum, about using the forum and frequency and what it means etc, and it was very thought-provoking for me, but at the time I read it, I couldn't think of what to say about my own thoughts on it.  But things that SaB wrote, resonated with me, and things that other people said in reply to SaB also resonated.   I just wanted to mention a few things, whilst they are in my mind, and put them in my own Journal, because I feel a bit embarrassed about the content in some ways, and not brave enough to put it in the post that SaB had started.  (Sorry for mentioning your name so much SaB - but I value what you write and found it very helpful to read what you wrote).

I found it very difficult at first to ever write anything in this place, it took me several weeks and maybe even some months before I felt brave enough to write, and when I first wrote, I felt very unsure.  However, over time, I realise I have come here very frequently - and just lately I am coming here quite a lot - i.e. sometimes several times in a day or an evening - even though I don't always write anything - I read things.  I felt like maybe I was getting too attached - but I think it's because it is the place where I feel accepted and valued and where I feel as if I am making progress with understanding complex PTSD and all the things that come with that.

Sometimes I've taken a break from it - and did that a few times, and then I'd take a break from other media things too - literally trying to break the connection with technology and time online etc.  That has been good for me too, and I will still do that sometimes, but right at this time, I feel the need to come here more. 

I think it's because more feelings are surfacing and I'm feeling more things, and I feel more vulnerable as a result of that, and I need to come here.

So I feel more needy- and that scares me, as I like to be in control of things and feel like I don't need anyone.  But I know that's not a human thing, that's a protective thing, and now I feel like I'm just splurging out my stuff today - but it's good to get it out, and I know that all my explorations into watching more conference material and processing and writing notes, it's affecting so many parts of me, and I hear them reacting in different ways, and I'm attempting to calm them, and sit with them.

Anyway, I've decided that I will do what I need to do, i.e. come here more often, and that it's ok.  I will tell the inner critic parts - who tell me I'm annoying and should be quiet, that I have a right to have a voice, and yes, I've spoken a lot here.  But that's ok.  I really appreciate the people here, each and everyone of the people here have been so kind and accepting and non-judgemental, and that is precious and I feel like people really understand things.

On another topic entirely, I am feeling more shame, because I am no longer doing much voluntary work - and I still carry the fact that I tried to make out that it was paid work and that gave me a sense of pride, so now I've admitted it wasn't paid, I feel shame about that.  But I need to get over that, because basically I don't think anyone would judge me for that.  I judge myself harshly.  I know that.

I feel really distraught inside when I think about how my professional life is over now - I had a really great job, but things happened and now I don't do that job anymore.  But I was proud to do it for so many decades, and I worked full-time during most of that time, and then part-time, and then not at all.  There's part of me that feels a failure that I couldn't keep going, but I just couldn't.  There were traumatic events that happened, and I've not been able to talk about them much - whenever I have broached it or talked about it with people irl, I have got very upset.  So I don't talk about it.

I feel a lot of anguish now - my throat is tight and my eyes are wet, but I am not crying.  My stomach feels tight too.

Yesterday's talk was (TW mentioning sexual trauma) very triggering for me in many ways, but I feel like I was able to cope with watching it and it was helpful.  I got some flashbacks later in the evening, and I also happened to see an article online about a two year old girl who had died, and seeing her - at that age, made me realise that I think I was only about 2 years old when I remember an event with my F that crossed boundaries.  I thought I had been older, but I think I was very young, and I was able to feel some anger about that fact.

Normally I separate mention of sexual stuff into the other part of the forum, but I am just writing it here in my journal today - I wouldn't normally do that, because for some reason I wanted to keep the events compartmentalised and separate, so the fact I'm including this here, it is better I think, as I am perhaps integrating things to accept that I as a person, I was sexually abused, and the perpetrator was my own F.  My M was a bystander, and I think she must have known something, even though I never told her what had happened.  But I feel sure she wouldn't want to hear about that, and would say nothing like that had happened.

I didn't realise I would end up writing this, but I've written it now.  I won't change this entry, as I feel braver to write things now.  To say things.  (end of TW)

There's a lump in my throat now.  I am feeling upset, but I'm ok.

I have a headache, but not sure if that's due to pressure, as it's not great weather.

I'm actually relieved to be feeling things more - so even though it's upsetting, I feel better for feeling them, and for communicating them.

Hope  :)

my dear hope,

your courage is commendable - thank you so much for letting us see your anguish and pain.  if there's anything i could do to help with that, i would.  right now, i can only offer love, acceptance, and support for what you've gone thru and what you're dealing with.

personally, i think taking a break from your recovery work would be a good idea.  i've found that as i've been doing my re-scripting, i've needed a lot more time between sessions than i originally thought i'd need, and i've also had to do it in much smaller chunks than i'd planned.  our minds need time for the processing of this stuff - it's so very intense and dense - and i think it's in our best interest to give them that time.  just my thoughts.

i'm saddened that you're still carrying shame around about your work.  i can relate to having careers that i loved and then not being able to do that anymore.  my first one was as a hairdresser, but i had to stop that because of anxiety.  then, the therapist thing, but i had to stop that because of becoming too ill.  it's a difficult adjustment, especially when it's work you're not only good at but that you enjoy.  just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  it's all part of what we go thru.

luckily, i've found other outlets, such as writing, advocating, interacting w/ other t's about their clients, and even helping w/ my d's books - insight into behaviors, etc.  hopefully, you'll be able to do something similar.  it's difficult to have to step away from something fulfilling because of something that's not our fault.  and, just so you know, i think you lied about being paid for your work as a protective thing - you weren't ready to face it in yourself, let alone w/ others.  but, the fact that you were able to say it was a lie is a sign of growth and progress, to my mind.  we've all done things that weren't the healthiest, but it's what we do afterwards that counts for much more, i think.

so bravo to you  :applause: sweetie, for being able to stand up and speak your truth.  it shows how far you've come.  sending love and a hug filled with bright.   :hug:

Hope, I've been off the forum for 2 days and have just scanned your post now. Can't write much but just want to say you're so brave and I want to send you a hug  :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic & Blueberry,
Thank you both so much, I appreciate both your replies.  I was feeling quite vulnerable this morning, when I wrote what I wrote. 
Weirdly, I feel completely different now it's early evening, it's like a more confident part of myself has taken me under her wing, and is making me feel much better in myself.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I actually feel very good right now.  It is quite a contrast.  I know I'm the same person, but right now, I feel like another part of me has taken the wheel and is driving my bus - if that makes sense.

SanMagic - I read your reply to me earlier in the day, and at that time, it was like a part of me really felt your connection and your empathy with me, and it touched my heart, and part of me wailed, but it was in a very comforted way, as if someone understands.  I appreciated what you wrote about your work, and how you've changed careers and coped, and found things that you can do, and that has helped me feel more sense of hope.  At the same time, I thought to myself that actually, although I had done a career that was successful, I'm not sure if I found it enjoyable, it was actually something I did that was stressful plus plus, and no day went by when I felt comfortable or confident, so that's interesting, and I wonder why I did it for so many years, but it was like I felt I wanted to do it, and it was part of me to do it. 

:hug: to you SanMagic.

Blueberry - thank you so much for the hug, I appreciate it very much.   :hug:  Thank you for scanning my post just now, and thank you for saying I am brave.

**********
I realise I might have appeared flippant to say I'm feeling confident and better just now, I have a feeling it's because I do have a protector part that is confident and is helping me currently - at this moment.  Other parts of me have been very upset, and I think they've gone and left me with this more confident part just now.  It makes sense they'd do that, because SanMagic suggested that maybe I should take a break from my recovery work, and so maybe they are somewhere just now and they are taking that break.

But I wanted to share my notes from today's Conference session that I heard, because I think I can cope with taking the notes, and sharing them, and I think I can also continue with watching the remaining talks - because it's one a day, and I'm not actually doing any experiential work, and so therefore, although it's triggering, I want to continue.

Apparently the Conference organiser is going to re-play the talk by Dr Richard Schartz on IFS and Trauma, because there had apparently been some technical issues when they first played it on Saturday, and so it will be re-played tomorrow - I will put a note in the section in the forum about it, so maybe Blueberry, and Kizzie will spot that, as I know they had missed it and wanted to see it.  I think it's a brilliant talk, he is very good.  I really like him.

I'm going to write up my notes from today in a minute, although it was harder to comprehend the talk today - but I have got the gist of it now - and hope the notes might make some sense - they will make more sense to people who have already had experience of Brainspotting - I think it sounds like a powerful therapeutic approach.

Hope  :)

Dear Hope, I just want to say thank you for addressing my post here, and thank you for being so brave to write and share with honesty.

I also find myself in different minds about posting, sometimes after, sometimes before. I think the work you are doing is amazing and I also want to send you all the support I can, I hope that you feel it  :hug:

About shame, briefly, it is something I have felt a lot and even about giving up a hobby I enjoy. It's something we have to process in the recovery journey, I guess, sadly, and this is something I know is hard  :hug:

Thank you Dear SaB, I do feel it, and appreciate your hug, and your empathy too.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on September 24, 2019, 09:08:53 AM
so the fact I'm including this here, it is better I think, as I am perhaps integrating things to accept that I as a person, I was sexually abused, and the perpetrator was my own F.  My M was a bystander, and I think she must have known something, even though I never told her what had happened.  But I feel sure she wouldn't want to hear about that, and would say nothing like that had happened.

I hear you. I believe you. It was not your fault.
Sending you care.  :hug:

Hope, it is great to see how much you have improved. It really says a lot that you still come and share when you are feeling vulnerable, like this morning. I hope you take some time to feel proud of that. I'm glad you're feeling better this evening, and I wish you peace as you continue your healing journey.

I can also relate to losing a career, and lying about doing paid work. Its a really big lifestyle change, and difficult to come to terms with. I'm not really sure how to get over that, but I hope you find a way to work through it, so it doesn't bother you any more.

Take care Hope! :)

Dear Notalone - thank you so much.  I read what you wrote yesterday, and it had a very emotional effect on parts of me, but I really felt validated by your words.  Thank you.   :hug:
Dear Jazzy - Thank you for what you said here, and for relating to losing a career and the lifestyle change aspect, and I do hope that one day, that won't bother me so much.  Thank you for wishing me peace whilst continuing the healing journey, that sounds lovely too - I appreciate what you said.   :hug:

**********
25th September 2019
I'm going to write up my notes from the Conference in a bit, but I wanted to just comment before I do that I actually found it harder to stay present whilst listening to the conference speaker, and that I think it was because she was talking about teens and children, and because some of my younger selves did actually pay attention to her, and it meant I ended up literally dissociating and entering into memories from earlier times, and then before I knew it, I was actually crying whilst trying to keep going with the notes, so it means that I may have missed things - and I didn't really want to repeat the talk - even though I felt it was good to listen to her, I think it shocked me to see the actual children as well, and realise how young they were - she used actual footage.  I think it hit a grief button for me, and also I could tell that doing sensorimotor work would be very powerful and experiential,  and that maybe I am afraid of that a little, as I'm used to being in the neocortex parts of my brain and not looking at the emotional meaning in my subcortex.  But I know that's where the key lies, and I do want to do that kind of work. 

So it's raised quite a few things for me, and I am grateful for realising more insights as I learn more, and I do feel it's helping - but I'm also aware that at points today I also felt a huge rush of anger - literally felt very angry. 

Right now, as I write this, I feel calm, I'm just reflecting on the day.

I have had difficult things to cope with today - I had an appointment with a nurse, for something that wouldn't bother most people, but for me I am phobic about seeing a nurse, and it is very difficult for me to cope with that situation.  I was able to mention something to her (unrelated to why I'd gone to see her) that was worrying me a bit, and she wants me to see a doctor - but I've not yet met my new doctor, as I've moved practices, as my old doctor has left due to retiring and I am phobic about meeting the new one.  Anyway, she didn't reassure me, which is what I'd hoped she'd do, she wanted me to see the doctor.  I am not sure I want to do that, so I am going to try to find out more online about the thing that's concerning me.  Then I will decide whether I'll go to see the doctor or not. 

I don't know what the anger feeling was related to, but it's like there's a part of me that is raging and angry just now - and flashes this at me during the day, but maybe that's because I'm doing a lot of things that parts of me don't like - and so there is resistance there.  I don't know.

I'll go and do the notes now, as I want to share them. 
Hope  :)

I'm sorry your appointment didn't go as well as you were hoping. I think the "you should see a doctor" response is the proper one though. Nurses are supposed to be helping with something particular, not diagnosing other things. That's probably not what you want to hear, but hopefully it helps calm the nerves at least a bit.

I also hope you get a chance to get to know your new doctor and have some peace with that situation too. I think its really important to be able to trust your doctor, and be open and honest with them. I know its really tough, but they are there to help.

Take care Hope! :)

Hope, the anxieties you experienced listening to some of the program's speakers is very understandable. I've done exactly that so many times -- wanted to, tried to concentrate and learn, and then -- I almost space out, starting with dissociation and yes, ending up a bit on the angry side.

We all seem to have our points of overwhelm. Nothing wrong, it's part of the process. Still sad, though; because it doesn't lessen the feelings that wash back in so easily. It's more than frustrating -- trying, wanting to get past and then tripping over all the memories.

So I just wanted to offer these couple of thoughts. Mostly I just wanted to share that it's inspiring to see how you can boost yourself back again; to where the grace of healing can start to chip away some of the overwhelm.  :hug:

Hi Jazzy,
Thanks for your reply, and you're right, the nurse did say I should see a doctor, and it would be good to establish a relationship with her, and seek the recommended support.  I am going to think more about this, because I know it's a lot of anxiety on my part about sharing information.  I find it very stressful, but I know that having a doctor is important.  Thanks for your kind wishes, I appreciate them!   :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome,
Thank you so much for validating my experience whilst listening to the speakers, it was helpful to hear your experiences - and especially that you also experience the angry bit on the end.    Tripping over all the memories, that's a good description!  I appreciate what you said very much, and I hope to continue to chip away some of the overwhelm, as I am wanting to continue my path down this road.

*********
26th September 2019
I was here for ages, before I could finish writing this, as I kept being interrupted by different things here at home, and I must say that I feel as if time has gone strangely quickly today.  It's almost as if I missed large chunks of it, and can't think of what I did in those times.  I have done the notes from the Conference though, and Dr Peter Levine's talk was really good - I was impressed to see him and hear him speak - I've read his book in the past, and his work is really great.

I am feeling more positive today than I've felt for a long time.  Excited even.  I hope this feeling stays with me.  I think it's because some things are falling into place more, in terms of my understanding - and I know more where I want to focus.  But I will leave it a few days before putting anything into action - I know that my mood can alter quite a lot from day to day or moment to moment sometimes, and I want to see how I feel later in the week or over the weekend.

Hope  :)

QuoteI am feeling more positive today than I've felt for a long time.  Excited even.  I hope this feeling stays with me.

I hope so, too! ❤️

 :hug:

Missed you and your notes today. I hope you're feeling alright, and that positive feeling is still with you. Take care Hope! :)

Hi Three Roses - thank you   :hug:
Hi Snowdrop - thank you  :hug:
Hi Jazzy - yes, I'm alright, and thank you for coming by and checking on me.  I wanted to let you know yesterday that I wasn't going to be there with any notes, but somehow I didn't manage to even log-in here.  But I am ok.   :hug:

**********
28th September 2019
I have had a flu vaccine, and I think I'm actually feeling slightly unwell - they said that would be a potential thing, so I'm hoping in a couple of days I'll be ok again. 
I also had quite a heavy night in terms of coming into contact with a much younger part of myself - which felt like a toddler or pre-verbal age child, and that stirred up quite a lot of feelings.  I was disorientated at times, and was speaking out loud, and my partner was confused by that, as he didn't know if I'd been conscious or not when I spoke.  We ended up with a bit of a misunderstanding first thing this morning, as I thought my first contact verbally with him had been a nice comment, and he had shut me down with a quite negative kind of reply - but it was because he'd been experiencing the previous conversations with me when I wasn't conscious!  I had thought my first comment had been an active attempt to open and connect - which was something I took from the talk yesterday by Deb Dana, and I was attempting to seek a glimmer of my ventral vagal system first thing, but I felt like a tortoise who had come out of her shell and then experienced negativity and had gone back in the shell again, and I actually cried, although he didn't actually notice.  I did talk to him later though about it, which is how I now realise that we had been 'talking' whilst I was asleep, and therefore not conscious, and that was why it had been confusing to him, and he'd replied how he replied.

I feel silly for writing the above, as now the light of day is here and it's the afternoon, and I am ok.  I just think it's such a powerful thing to perceive things in a different way, based on how the autonomic system is feeling, and it was very pertinent - and I feel like I am feeling quite sad for not having that knowledge previously, as I feel it could have made a difference to me in past years.  But I guess that's the case with learning new things, and even now I have taken on board some of the things that Deb Dana said, I need to try to put them into practice and see what can happen with that new knowledge.

Also, I was aware that she had written on her slides that there was copyright, and immediately that sent my brain and parts into a panic, as I wanted to share my notes, as I've been doing on past days of the conference, but the rule-bound part of me that often won't let me do anything that is outside of a rule, set in stone the fact that they wouldn't let me write my notes.  I only watched the lecture fairly late last night - well in the evening really, and I did have time to do the notes, but there wasn't a lot of time, and I just couldn't do it due to the mention of copyright, and basically I wrote down a lot of the slides contents for my personal reading.

I am aware that the final day of the conference is today, and I am actually not feeling very well - so I'm not sure if I'll even write many notes this time, I might just watch it. 

I feel lethargic and like I've got a bit of a cold going on.  But it could be the flu vaccine.  So I'm ok about it, just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I am ok though.

Hope  :)

I'm sorry you're feeling unwell. I'm very impressed that you're taking things you've learned from the conference and are putting them into practice.

Take care of yourself. Sending you love, hugs, tea and a warm fluffy blanket. :hug:

Thanks so much Snowdrop, that is very thoughtful of you, I appreciate your kindness.   :hug:

I'm not feeling too bad right now, I have a headache, and still feel a bit like I have a cold, but actually I am not too bad now.  I felt worse earlier in the day.  I've written my notes on Stephen Porges talk - and I am glad the Conference is over now, as it was great, but having a day off from watching the videos tomorrow is a nice thought.    I can consolidate things now. I need time to do that, and let things settle in my mind.

Hope  :)

I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you had quite a night, and a rough start to the day. I don't think what you wrote is silly at all. Things can get really confusing when a person is sleep talking/walking/whatever. Its good that you got sorted out what happened though.

QuoteI just think it's such a powerful thing to perceive things in a different way, based on how the autonomic system is feeling

You're absolutely right about that, and Dr. Stephen Porges said that almost exactly the same in his talk today. I hope you've been able to try again and found that glimmer of your ventral vagal system.

I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult time yesterday with the notes. I'm sorry if I put any pressure on you at all. I didn't mean to do that. I saw that her slides are copyrighted as well (which doesn't surprise me), but like I said earlier, I have done a ton of training, and re-writing information like that through my work, and I have never heard of anyone getting in trouble for sharing notes. There are different types of copyrights, with different laws. Sharing notes from a presentation isn't the same as sharing a song you like for example. I'm quite certain that you wouldn't break any rules with your notes.

Anyway, with the technicalities of it aside, I am sorry to hear that it caused you panic and put you in to that shut down state. The way it effected you is far more important (in my opinion of course) than the technicalities. I'm not really sure how to say "I wish you felt better throughout it" better, so I'll stop trying, and offer a hug if you would like one.  :hug:

Take care of yourself, and I hope you have a restful night. :)

Hi Jazzy,
Thanks, I am taking it easy today - but just wanted to reply quickly to say that I appreciate everything you've written here, and very much appreciate it.   :hug:
I am taking it easy today. 
Hope  :)

hey, hope,

i may be wrong, but i think copyright means that you can't take someone's words and use them as your own, especially for profit.  i don't think there's a problem w/ giving  credit and sharing notes.  otherwise, we would never be able to quote from anyone's book.  in fact, pete walker's words are utilized here a lot, but he's always given credit for them.

i had a flu shot a week ago, and it knocked me down for a few days.  some people it hits like that, others not so much. 

i'm glad you're taking it easy for a bit.  that's weird about how that conversation went between you and your partner.  i'm just so glad for you that you have someone with whom you can talk about this stuff, get it out and resolved.  it's wonderful to hear.

keep taking care of you.  sending love and a hug filled with some rest.   :hug:

Hi Hope, just wanted to drop in and say hi here  :hug:

Such a powerful thing you wrote about experience changing depending on the state at the time (autonomic? I need to look this up). Like you, I wish I had known this earlier. This and a few other things too  :hug:

SaB

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you.  You and Jazzy have helped me feel better about issues of Copyright.  I realise it's my reaction to rule-based authoritative kind of stuff, and I get stuck sometimes.  Triggered is what happens I guess.  But you both helped me to realise that my note-taking is probably ok, and afterall I attribute the source of the writing each time, and it should be ok.  I get myself tangled up sometimes.  Make things much more difficult than they probably need to be.  I realise that.  I appreciate what you wrote very much, and thank you.   :hug:

SanMagic, thanks for reminding me about the flu shot as well - because I think it has affected me - more than I thought it would.   Yes, I'm lucky that my partner does talk to me about things like this, and he manages to tolerate my issues - although there are times when he definitely wonders why I'm not 'over it' - as he sometimes says that maybe I should move on from analysing and thinking of the past, and I know he worries that things aren't changing significantly - but I do think I am making some progress, and I know that he thinks I am better than I was previously.  I used to take lots of medication - well - not lots, but I used to take it, and now I don't take any, so that's an improvement as well - I think so.  SanMagic, thanks for the hug, and sending one back for you too  :hug:

Hi SaB,  Thanks for dropping in and saying hi, and for the hug, that is lovely of you.  I was writing about the autonomic system, because of a Conference I'd attended last week (online) and they were discussing the Polyvagal theory, which you may have heard of, but it's Stephen Porges research, and I related to it very much.  A few of us took some notes in the Podcast section of the forum, if you want to have a read of the notes, not sure if you saw that or not.  I hope the notes might make some sense, there are links to some websites there too, which I've not looked at yet, but hopefully they would be helpful.   :hug: to you, SaB.

**********
1st October 2019
I ordered a new book, after the Conference that I attended online, and it is:
"Internal Family Systems: Skills Training Manual: Trauma-Informed Treatment for Anxiety, Depression, PTSD & Substance Abuse" by Frank G. Anderson, Martha Sweezy, & Richard C. Schwartz, and I am excited to hopefully get that book soon, it's ordered and will arrive very soon.  I think that Internal Family Systems is what really works for me, as a way of understanding my parts, and I feel ready to try some experiential kind of exercises - I think so.  I'll see how it goes.

I won't start doing anything until I have a good read through of the book first though, as I don't want any surprises for any of my parts.

The last few days have been quite emotional for me, because many parts have reacted in different ways to the Conference information, and to other things I've read and processed.  My sleep has been more disturbed again this week, and my partner told me that I've been crying out in my sleep and looking very distressed on occasions, but thankfully I wasn't actually aware of the occasions when that had happened.  I think it had affected him more than me!  I am sorry about that, as I don't want to upset his sleep. 

I was upset last night, as I wanted to go to the part of the forum where a very lovely person was leaving and bidding us a farewell, and I was badly triggered by it, and couldn't stop wailing and crying, and that part of me caused me to cry.  This made me realise how much I value people here, and that my pain that comes from transitions and goodbyes, it's hard.  I felt like I just couldn't get there last night, but I did manage to write there today. 

I feel as if I'm being precious by writing this here, because an inner critic type of part is saying that I'm pathetic and that I'm seeking attention by saying this. 

I feel as if I am more in control of myself this evening, and can gain some separation from parts of myself, so I'm able to think about this in a more detached way.  But I couldn't do that last night, I was feeling distraught. 

I've skimmed through the Susan Jeffers book I was reading, and I don't feel it's helpful to me now, even though a part of me had made me come to the forum and write about how something within it had been helpful!  I actually felt uncomfortable as soon as I'd written it, and many parts of me weren't happy.  But at the same time, what I wrote - which had included something about feeling trapped in a 'waiting room' of my own making, that resonated, and it does feel like something that I very much relate to - like I'm stuck and can't move on - but like Blueberry said, in the other part of the forum, just recognising that is in some way enabling, and I will hopefully be able to shift from it, now that I've acknowledged and labelled it, and I can see it for what it is and how it feels.

Words have left me now, and I can't think of anything more to say, so I'll stop writing now.

Hope  :)

Hope, you're not being pathetic or looking for attention. You're a very caring and lovely person. I'm glad you feel better than yesterday. :hug:

hey, hope,

i know how difficult this can be for our partners who aren't suffering from the same thing as we are.  i went round and round w/ my hub about it - he's recovering from addictions and comes at most everything from a 12-step angle - and, while i find that the 12-step modality is very helpful for some addictive stuff, a lot of it, like 'let go and let god' or 'stop living in the past' just doesn't work for c-ptsd issues.  i can't tell you how many times i gave 'stuff' over to god, only to find myself taking it back again, but not knowing why!

i'm not saying your partner is a 12-step person, only that some of those sayings are given to us as a means to stop us from hurting.  their hearts are in the right place, but their minds cannot wrap themselves around what we are experiencing.  it's like speaking a foreign language to them - they can't possibly understand what we're saying or what we mean.  i know it can be tough for them cuz they want only the best for us, want to help us.  it's frustrating on both sides.

and poo on that ICr - you are precious, never pathetic or just looking for attention.  this stuff is real, it has impacted us in illogical ways, and we all need validation, attention (need to be seen and heard), and support.  sending love and a hug filled w/ all that good stuff, always.   :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2019, 06:57:37 PM
hey, hope,

i know how difficult this can be for our partners who aren't suffering from the same thing as we are.  i went round and round w/ my hub about it - he's recovering from addictions and comes at most everything from a 12-step angle - and, while i find that the 12-step modality is very helpful for some addictive stuff, a lot of it, like 'let go and let god' or 'stop living in the past' just doesn't work for c-ptsd issues.  i can't tell you how many times i gave 'stuff' over to god, only to find myself taking it back again, but not knowing why!

i'm not saying your partner is a 12-step person, only that some of those sayings are given to us as a means to stop us from hurting.  their hearts are in the right place, but their minds cannot wrap themselves around what we are experiencing.  it's like speaking a foreign language to them - they can't possibly understand what we're saying or what we mean.  i know it can be tough for them cuz they want only the best for us, want to help us.  it's frustrating on both sides.

Wise words, San. Just week I heard from my husband, "That was 50 years ago!" Some of it, I think, stems from their frustration and some from a place of caring and wanting us to not be in so much pain. I don't want to write more about that here and hijack your post, Hope, but just so you know, I have experienced similar.

Quote from: Hope67 on October 01, 2019, 06:06:45 PM
I feel as if I'm being precious by writing this here, because an inner critic type of part is saying that I'm pathetic and that I'm seeking attention by saying this. 

Hope, I do and have always valued what you have to say. Whether you're sharing about what you have learned or a struggle you are going through, what you have to say has value. I don't feel like you are attention seeking, but even if you were, so what? You have the right to need, want, and attempt to get attention. (Again, I don't see you as attention seeking.)

Thank you Hope, for the pointers. I am very interested in learning more. So much stuff! Phew!

Re the critical thoughts you had re. attention, I also have them and I am now starting to recognise how unhelpful they are. I think we have them because of attitudes installed in us, not because they're true! Like the others said, we are all worthy of attention, glad that everyone here knows that!  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2019, 06:57:37 PM
and poo on that ICr - you are precious, never pathetic or just looking for attention.  this stuff is real, it has impacted us in illogical ways, and we all need validation, attention (need to be seen and heard), and support.  sending love and a hug filled w/ all that good stuff, always.   :hug:

:yeahthat:  :hug:

Sounds like you are going through a lot Hope. Maybe some rest and self care would be beneficial? It seems like you are doing better in the evenings, so that is good. I'm glad you are doing better than last night. Hopefully your sleeping improves soon. Take care! :)

2nd October 2019
Thank you everyone -  :hug: :hug:  Not much time to write just now, but I am doing some nice things today - going to meet up with a friend to have a lunch, and I hope to do some shopping too.  So I am doing relaxing things today.  I was dreaming a lot last night, but I can't remember the content of the dreams - but I know it was quite realistic, and sometimes content comes back later, so I might recall them - but the good thing is that I slept well and I slept in later than I normally would!  I normally wake up quite early.

I have a headache, but I think I'm a bit dehydrated so I'm going to try to drink more water and also have some salts too. 

Hope  :)

5th October 2019
I don't have sufficient time now to write, but I will just write a quick note - because I want to ensure I write about:
1) The TV programme I watched on Thursday - that impacted my day and the days after - it was a Channel 5 documentary that I had previously taped - I don't think I'll be able to put it in this Journal - I will need to take my writing to the CSA section of the forum, as I need to compartmentalise it somehow - but I will hope to write about it on the weekend, if I can.
2) Write about my new book that has arrived - which is Internal Family Systems Skills Training Manual - I started reading some of it last night and it has already affected me in a positive way.
3) Want to write about the strange feelings I get - with regard to trying to capture my progress, or my process, and how it feels like it is syrup running through my hands
4) Want to write about 'The Waiting Room' and what that means to me.

So many things I want to write about - I just hope my parts will be willing for me to write about them, but I feel sure writing these pointers here will help with that - I hope to do all of the above.

Hope  :)

I came back and read what I'd written - listing those points, and thought to myself how enthusiastically I had wanted to list them before, and how part of me clearly wants to make progress on all those things, but when I re-read them, it evoked so many contrasting voices within me, as if different parts were clamouring to be heard, and some of the statements said things like:
'Oh no, why have you listed all those things, I don't want to do them, I can't do them'
'No, it's too hard, you can't do that'
A part of me is angry that I've listed them, as it means now if I don't do them, then I am a failure.
This reminds me of so many themes where I feel like I'm stuck, not moving forward, holding myself back.

I'm just going to free-flow with my thoughts now - because I am aware of conflicts within me, and so many differing feelings.

There was a part that was just spinning around, and wondering what to do - not knowing where to start.   Feeling confused.
There is a part that is angry - would rather I hadn't written the lists - wants to rub them out, but they're already there!
Physically, there's a lump in my throat.  I feel it.

I'm negotiating with them, and it feels ok for me to write a little about the Internal Family Systems book - it's a skills training manual and it's by Anderson, Sweezy and Schwartz.  I started reading it last night, and it was comforting, because when I read it, it's like having a therapist talking in my head, and I can hear a soft and gentle voice when I read the words, and it's comforting. 

I want to quote something written on the back of the book which says "This new manual offers straight-forward explanations to teach clients a new way to identify with their "Self" - separating the person from the symptom to gain control over traumatic experiences"  and lists the following:
* Step-by-step techniques
* Annotated case examples
*Unique meditations
*Neuroscience applications
*Downloadable exercises and worksheets.

It's a good book I think - I've not read much of it, but what I read was comforting and also understandable, and I related to it a lot.  I feel as if when I read it, I not only heard an internalized soft and gentle voice reading it, but I could feel different parts of myself listening and taking heed of what was said, so I feel like they are engaged with it, and it will be helpful.

_____
I'm going to try to talk a bit about the TV documentary I watched the other day - I tried to write it here, but I can't do it.  I'll have to write it in the CSA section, there's a part of me that doesn't want me to put it in my journal.  I'm going to try to do that now.

Hope  :)

Hope, this is your journal, and it is for you, so don't worry about what you do or do not write. It sounds like you're still sorting through a lot, and that is fine. I wish you all the best with that. Also, it sounds like you touched on everything you wrote that you wanted to anyway. I'm glad to hear the new book is helping. Take care! :)

Hi Jazzy,
Thank you so much  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Hope, glad you are finding the book to be comforting.

Hi Notalone,  Thank you  :hug:  I've not read it much more this past few days, but I'm glad I've got it.  I will hope to read more soon.

***
11th October 2019
Although I came here, I struggled to write anything this past few days - hence I didn't write anything.  I also had quite strong EF's over the past couple of days - I was aware of them, and able to process them a bit better - in terms of recognising which parts of me were feeling disturbed and which ones were present - and I wanted to write about that experience, but somehow there were resistances to that - hence I didn't.  I am relieved that I seem to be calmer today - and I think the EF's are over, or less noticeable now. 

I have been continuing with my voluntary work, but doing far less now than I was before, as I am finding things more triggering - especially interactions with some of the people there - and I'm wondering why I'm doing it.  I'm beginning to think of other things I'd like to do - and wondering whether I'll be able to tackle a new direction, and whether I'll be able to motivate and focus myself to maybe achieve some things. 

I am realising that different parts of myself feel differently about situations and circumstances, and I'm wondering about tackling some kind of 'letter to' scenario where they express themselves, and I might try to write something - because currently I feel as if I am holding in their various perspectives and thoughts and feelings, and because they are contained within me - and not enabled to be expressed somewhere, they end up jumbling up and making me feel stuck.  So I'm thinking about that, and wondering how to release the pressure a bit.

Hope  :)

o, hope, i hate that feeling of pressure.  i certainly hope you're able to find a way to lessen it.

when i read your list, it seemed like it was quite densely packed w/ things to think about and do.  i'm not surprised you kind of got overwhelmed, feeling like you 'had' to do them all just cuz you wrote them down.  may i please say that i don't think you have to do any of them if you don't want to?  if it's best for you to do one, none, all - whatever combination in whatever time frame - then that's what i think it's best for you to do.  just my thoughts, tho.

it's ok to go slow w/ all this new information and stimulation you're experiencing.  sending love and a hug filled w/ calm. :hug:

Hello Hope, reading what you have written here, I recognise that you are processing a lot, and I want to say that the conflict you are describing in relation to your different parts is also very recognisable to me. I know how draining that can be. I find it useful sometimes to switch off completely as much as possible and find something to do that is easy and nourishing, for me something simple like drinking a hot cocoa and feeling comfortable with a big blanket or duvet.

I hope you can find some time and space to feel a little bit of peace too, in among all your processing.  :hug:

Sab

Hi SanMagic,
I read what you wrote, and it was very helpful to me, so thank you - my littles/inners were able to relax a bit and not feel pressure - through reading what you wrote, so it was good.  I've had some thinking time to consider things - and come to a few conclusions too - so taking time to do that, it was helpful.   :hug:

Hi Sab,
I appreciated very much hearing you say that the conflict I described in relation to my different parts is something that you also recognise and that you mentioned how draining it can be - definitely - and I think your suggestion of the hot cocoa and feeling comfortable with a big blanket or duvet - very helpful.  Thank you   :hug:

**********
16th October 2019
I felt like I was ready to write something, but typical - when I get here and am poised ready to write, I can't express what I want to say.  It's like the parts of me that were so vocal before - they've popped out the door - leaving me here, thinking about what to say.

OK, I'll just try to sit here and say what comes to mind.

What I have noticed the past few days is that my physical feelings have been focused within the stomach area, and it's like I've got indigestion or bloated feelings - quite a lot of the time, and as if there's 'stuff' in there that needs to come out - maybe even wind or gas - it's not a nice feeling. 

I re-read my Journal - but only got to a certain point with it, because as I read it, I was amazed by what I've been through - over the months of August and September - it was very emotional to read it, and I was amazed by what I'd written - almost as if I didn't realise that I'd written all those things. 

This afternoon I watched a video that was about 'Making Drawing Fun' which was by an artist called Carla Sonheim, and it was part of a Mindfulness Conference that I'd found online, chaired by someone called Jools Sinclair.  They talked about 'Art Wounds' in the talk - and I found myself sobbing - although I noticed that both Carla and Jools were often laughing - and so it felt like quite an incredulous difference between their reactions and my own, and part of me felt a bit angry that they were being so 'laughy' about it - almost as if they were dissociating or distracting from the painful stuff underneath - and that bothered me. 

I think it triggered stuff for me because I had a few 'Art Wounds' - where I was doing art and then found my expression was stopped - like when I was very small and using the red and pink paints to make pink, but the teacher slapped me hard and I fell over and knocked my water over, and she then blamed me for knocking it over.  I know I have mentioned this before, but a small part of me is constantly upset about that.

Yet as I write about that, another part tells me I'm pathetic to even be bothered about it.

Yes, this is reminding me now - there has been the presence of another part of me that is actually quite critical and annoyed, and has been trying to get me to actively withdraw from supportive things, and I've noticed this, and tried to negotiate or at least to acknowledge the feelings of this part, and wonder why they need to protect me in that way, as I don't want to end up not doing certain things - or being around certain people.  I think it wouldn't be wise for me to withdraw, and yet that part of me is keen for me to do so.

I've been feeling much more emotional and my emotions have been spilling out - in that I've actually been crying more - it doesn't last too long, but it's been easily triggered by things on TV or things I read.  Maybe it's a bit hormonal - or maybe it's just that I'm feeling things more.  I'm not sure.  I'm just going with the flow of it though.  I'm allowing myself to cry - and thankfully it doesn't last too long. 

I'm having flashes of panicky kind of feelings - thinking that my FOO might die - and I keep thinking that if one of them does die, then the other one will contact me, and then I don't know what I'd do, or how I would react. 

I feel a great sense of existential crisis sometimes, well - quite a lot of times lately - and that feels like a void and it feels scary. 

The video I watched by Carla Sonheim about drawing was fun too - she seemed like a nice person, and I could tell from what she said that she has a history of depression, and that she expressed these things in the figures she draws and illustrates, and I 'liked' her character and what she said - once she and the chair had stopped laughing a lot - which had disturbed a part of me that was present.

The collages she had done - using cut out arms from magazines and then adding drawing, and using the non-dominant hand or closing eyes, it was interesting, and I feel I might try something - it reminded me of when I was a child and enjoyed making collages with cuttings from newspapers and magazines, and how I felt like I wanted to be a designer or something when I grew up, but I also felt my M didn't like that playful or creative side, as she was keen to focus me in other areas - there was a feeling that she wanted to shut that side of me down.  Another Art wound perhaps - the concept of an Art wound is a new one to me, I've not heard of that before, but I wonder if that's what closes up my creative side - as I would love to be creative and I hope to develop that side of myself.

I am glad that I've managed to write quite a bit, I really thought I wouldn't be able to - but I've written something, and I do feel better for doing that. 

Hope  :)

You've done a great job getting all this written down Hope. It can be really tough. It sounds like one of your protector parts is working hard, trying to get you to withdraw from supportive things. I guess it makes sense. If you are feeling more emotion in general, than you would also feel that part more strongly.

From what you've written, you've got a lot of stuff going on. Its really impressive how you manage to work through so much. Make sure to take care of yourself too though. Hopefully the artwork will help you feel better. Take care! :)

"I felt like I was ready to write something, but typical - when I get here and am poised ready to write, I can't express what I want to say.  It's like the parts of me that were so vocal before - they've popped out the door - leaving me here, thinking about what to say."

This happens to me too. In my case, it's a sort of system overload problem or I'm not actually ready to express things - it's simply too early. So just sitting there and writing what comes to mind sounds a good solution :applause:. What's ready to be expressed will be. The other things will come when they're ready too.

"I think it triggered stuff for me because I had a few 'Art Wounds' - where I was doing art and then found my expression was stopped - like when I was very small and using the red and pink paints to make pink, but the teacher slapped me hard and I fell over and knocked my water over, and she then blamed me for knocking it over.  I know I have mentioned this before, but a small part of me is constantly upset about that."

I am appalled at the conduct of this teacher - for everything she did in this example. It is just terrible behaviour as well as physically and emotionally abusive. It's the kind of thing my M did too - blame me for something she'd actually caused.

Idk if this might help, but there was a situation with M which almost-7-year-old me was terribly upset about for years, but also ashamed so I couldn't even tell a T. I managed to sort-of-tell my current T and in doing so I came to the conclusion that I'd been far more mature than M in the situation, despite my being physically and emotionally hurt by her. I then told my LO about her maturity and praised her. The wound isn't completely gone but it's no longer so deep and so prevalent.

"Yet as I write about that, another part tells me I'm pathetic to even be bothered about it." Your ICr or whoever is speaking there is wrong. You are compassionate towards and protective of your little Hope to whom great injustice was done by that teacher.   
:hug:  :grouphug:

Hope, thank you for sharing, for staying and writing even though it felt hard and scary at times. I appreciate you so very much and your bravery and kind heart.

Something Blueberry said reminded me of what my T said to me recently. She said when we're little we don't have the adult perspective that when someone does something awful or hurtful, unkind, or just very wrong, that they are the ones at fault. That those adults were unwell. Not us. But they put it on us and we took it on because we didn't have the knowledge or experience to discern that what they were doing was wrong, not us. We were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing. Being children, exploring, living. That wasn't as eloquent as my T, but hopefully the thought behind it is solid.

You were being creative and clever with your art then. That creativity and eye for mixing beautiful pinks and creating art is still very much alive in there, in you, and I believe there will come a time when it will feel safe to let it out again. Just like the words that come when they are ready.

I hope that wasn't too much dear Hope. Sending a gentle, supportive, inspired  :hug: if that's ok.

Quote from: Hope67 on October 11, 2019, 11:01:34 AM
I have been continuing with my voluntary work, but doing far less now than I was before, as I am finding things more triggering - especially interactions with some of the people there - and I'm wondering why I'm doing it.  I'm beginning to think of other things I'd like to do - and wondering whether I'll be able to tackle a new direction, and whether I'll be able to motivate and focus myself to maybe achieve some things. 

I see that you are making progress in regards to your work. You've reduced your working time and you're beginning to think of other things you might like to do instead.   :cheer:

I actually wrote more here, but I removed it, thinking it's irrelevant or a hijack or ... I did copy it though ;) so I could post it later when I'm feeling clearer.
:hug: :hug:

i agree w/ blueberry about that teacher and that entire incident and how much it bothers you.  horrible.  and you are so not pathetic, hope.  i think that when these things happen and they stick w/ us for so long, at such high impact, that they are a wounding of an essence of our being.  this creative side seems to be very important to you, and to have it slashed at like that teacher did, and then you get yelled at for it?  so wrong on so many levels. 

it would make sense, too, that when this artist laughed about something like that, you would react in a significant manner. 

i do hope you can get back to collages - i used to do them as a kid, and really enjoyed them - they are so personally expressive.  sending love and hugs filled w/ comfort and support. :hug: :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 19, 2019, 11:52:48 AM
it would make sense, too, that when this artist laughed about something like that, you would react in a significant manner. 

:yeahthat:  Especially so if there was any feeling in your childhood that you weren't being taken seriously or were being laughed at by people who should protect you. I can't remember exactly but think you might have mentioned that?

I want to thank everyone for writing here - because it's been so helpful to me, and I appreciate it so much.  Thank you  :grouphug:

*****
20th October 2019
I am feeling a bit manic this morning, maybe that's not the right word, but that's how I feel - so I will hope to be back later when I am a bit calmer and through this.  Actually I feel quite excited in myself too - not sure how long this will last, or why it's happening.  Anyway, I hope to be back later - but if not today - then tomorrow - weekends are usually quite triggering for me in various ways. 

Hope  :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 19, 2019, 11:52:48 AM
i agree w/ blueberry about that teacher and that entire incident and how much it bothers you.  horrible.  and you are so not pathetic, hope.  i think that when these things happen and they stick w/ us for so long, at such high impact, that they are a wounding of an essence of our being.  this creative side seems to be very important to you, and to have it slashed at like that teacher did, and then you get yelled at for it?  so wrong on so many levels. 

it would make sense, too, that when this artist laughed about something like that, you would react in a significant manner. 

i do hope you can get back to collages

:yeahthat:
I recently mentioned in a post about quitting a job, that my second grade teacher had told me, "You can't do anything right." The context her statement was that I was trying to do a craft. I told myself that I was not artistic after that for years. Only after getting into therapy did I begin to see differently. Her words still have impact that I need to fight. I'm telling you this to say that you are NOT at all pathetic for being affected by her cruelty.

A giant and supportive :bighug: to you if it's okay ❤️

Hello Hope,

Just want to send a  :hug: to you, all of your parts, for trying to protect you and for feeling your emotions, and for looking after you.
:)

Quote from: Jazzy on October 16, 2019, 11:16:18 PM
It sounds like one of your protector parts is working hard, trying to get you to withdraw from supportive things. I guess it makes sense. If you are feeling more emotion in general, than you would also feel that part more strongly.

Thanks Jazzy, this really makes sense to me - it was helpful to see what you wrote here - I think that was what happened this past few days.

Oops, I was trying to quote things people said, but couldn't get all of it.  So I'll try again - I was trying to thank you Jazzy for what you said about the Protector part coming out more strongly - it made sense to me.

Blueberry - I related to what you said about 'system overload' and not being able to express things in those circumstances, that is very typical to how I feel sometimes/quite frequently.  Thank you also for sharing your own early wound, and how you were able to finally talk about it, and that you managed to heal part of that wound, and also for validating my experience with that teacher who was angry at me for my painting - in my mind, I've been doing some thinking about those times, and I realise that the 5 year old me is communicating about the injustices she felt at those times, and giving me very concrete examples and flashbacks of such things, and I need to move her on from that if I can, but in a gentle and careful way.

MoonBeam - Thank you for sharing what your T had said to you about the lack of the adult perspective in the childhood memories (I realise you didn't use exactly the same words there - but that's the gist I got) - it makes sense to me, and has helped me to understand and to process a little as well.  The concept of blame is a big one for me, as I realise that I tend to very much blame myself and feel as if I'm at fault in so many aspects - and across many years - I need to challenge these beliefs, as they hold much shame for me, whilst I carry those beliefs.

Dear Blueberry - you wrote that you had written more and then deleted it - that made me wonder what you'd said, because I really value everything that you (and everyone else) says - your words are very valuable to me, in so many ways, I can't express it fully - but it means a lot.  I just wanted to say that.   :hug:

SanMagic - Thank you so much for your kind words and I do feel that my creativity is something that has been stifled and almost exhausted by the wounds of my childhood - and it carries a great sense of grief about that - but I do want to ignite those sparks and hopefully do something creative in my later years - but I know that parts of me are still wounded and hurt, and hold me back from really doing things.  Yet creativity is probably going to be the key to enable me to escape this prison, if I can only do some things.  I hope to tackle this.  I really do hope to.

Blueberry - You're right, there were reactions where I felt ridiculed and not taken seriously at all by people who were supposed to protect me, that was a theme of my childhood, I felt like I was laughed at.  It feels like a wound, when I think of that.

notalone - Your second grade teacher was cruel in her words to you - that isn't right.  I am glad that you've begun to see things differently and that her words no longer impact in the same way.  You deserve to enjoy your creativity and blossom and create, and so do I.  I feel stronger hearing your words, and those of the others here - they really help.   :hug:

Three Roses - Thank you so much for the hug - my heart lights up when I see your name, and I've missed you!  I love the little tortoise or turtle avatar you have now.  I hope you are ok.  Sending you a hug too  :hug:  I would do a love heart as well, but I am not sure how to do that!   :sunny:  I've put a sunshine instead. 

SaB Thank you so much for the hug, I appreciate it, it makes part of me feel very emotional to see what you wrote - about all the parts trying to protect me, and for feeling my emotions, and for looking after me, that is an emotive feeling, and I am feeling it.  I am glad I am able to feel that, because it is a strong emotion, and I want to feel emotions.  Sending you a safe hug too  :hug:

Jazzy - thanks again for what you said - I think the whole quote came out this time, I had attempted to copy the quote, and when I first looked at it, there was only part of it there, but now I think it is all there.  I really related to what you said about the protector part coming out more - it certainly has been more prominent, but I am trying to remain curious and welcoming of all parts, rather than resisting them.  I feel like they all have messages for me, and I want to understand them.   :hug: to you.

*************
22nd October 2019

I really hope that I can write in some parts of the forum today - as I feel 'ready' this morning - at least at this moment - but of course, I have no idea if that feeling will still be with me later - but I feel as if I could write some 'letters to' today - and if that feeling remains the same later, then that is what I hope to do.

I have appreciated reading everyone's replies here in my Journal so much, and I really value everything that has been said, it is very meaningful and helpful.  I was able to read things in the past few days, but couldn't write much - but today I feel like I might be able to write more - and infact right now, feel as if I could write a lot, but I have a couple of chores I need to do this morning, so I must get on with those and then maybe this afternoon I will be able to write more.

Hope  :)

 Hello Hope,

This is what I deleted:

Quote from: Hope67 on October 11, 2019, 11:01:34 AM
I have been continuing with my voluntary work, but doing far less now than I was before, as I am finding things more triggering - especially interactions with some of the people there - and I'm wondering why I'm doing it.  I'm beginning to think of other things I'd like to do - and wondering whether I'll be able to tackle a new direction, and whether I'll be able to motivate and focus myself to maybe achieve some things. 

This reminds me of an older post of yours on your voluntary work that I really wanted to respond to but never had enough emotional energy or time. You were ashamed of not having said right away that your new work was volunteer. Maybe that feeling of shame has lessened by now anyway, but there is no need for it on here. You don't owe us any information. Maybe divulging it on here would have been too early for you or for some part of you? So a protective mechanism. 

I think I've posted before that I'm not doing any volunteer work anymore. I hope that didn't make you or others who do volunteer work feel ashamed of it? I actually do do a bit of volunteer work from time to time but I'm not willing to do my professional work as a volunteer. But unlike you, I didn't have a successful career for decades before succumbing to the effects of cpstd, so that might make a difference? For my farm work (which has nothing to do with my profession), I do get ample payment-in-kind and I'm fine with that, but it did take quite a number of years for that to evolve. Anyway, everybody's case is a bit different.

__________________

I deleted it partly because I was referring back to something that may no longer be an issue for you and partly because I think I'm making assumptions that may not be true.   

I also wanted to add that you did volunteer work for us on OOTS by taking notes on the Avaiya talks and posting them :) :cheer: I planned to but never got round to it :doh: You did! :cheer: That's so useful, helpful, kind, even though not paid.

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for saying what you'd said previously, as it is helpful to me to hear your perspective and thoughts, and they are helpful to me.  I can't process things properly today - as I think I'm in an EF - but I do appreciate what you said.  Thank you.

************
23rd October 2019
My partner is here today, and he's already worried about me, as I am quite manic one moment and then crying the next - just fleeting moments, but it shows how my emotions are on the surface and I'm not managing to control them like I might normally do.  But I've told him I'm ok.  Because I am ok.  I think so anyway.

I realise I'm in some kind of EF - with fluctuating emotions from moment to moment, and I hope I can come out of this soon, as I am not really liking this state of emotions.  My partner wants us to go out this afternoon together, and I know that's a nice thing to do - so I am happy to do that.  I don't like to worry him, and I saw his worry in his eyes when he saw me crying.

I think it's because I wrote my 'letter to the teacher' yesterday and it's brought out my vulnerability more - but I can feel some changes - as my little Hopes feel like I'm listening, and reading people's validating thoughts have been ok - I notice when I read what people wrote - that some people asked whether the compassion would be 'too much' for little Hope, and at the time I read that - I wondered, 'but can Little Hope feel that?' - and I realise that 'Yes, she can feel it' - it is shifting something within her and within me, and I do think that is a positive thing, although it is also quite painful emotionally - but Little Hope has been showing me more flashbacks of things she is bothered about, and I am going to pursue writing about some of those - but I am taking things slowly - as the emotional impact is quite strong.

Hope  :)

I have just been watching a video by Bruce Lipton, who is a Biologist, and it was part of a Healing Summit by Hay House - and was free to view today - it's about 1 hour 25 minutes duration, but I found it very positive, and found it helpful to me:
https://www.hayhousehealsummit.com/lessons/regenerate-new-cells-and-boost-your-immunity-naturally
Hope  :)

I haven't got much time to write just now, but I wanted to just briefly write a few things about how I'm feeling just now.  I'm aware that parts of me have been feeling raw and vulnerable today, and may have been 'acting out' a bit - possibly in ways that might have seemed passive aggressive to my partner, and thankfully we've been able to talk about this - which has helped. 

We didn't go out as planned, we stayed at home instead, and that was ok.  I watched that video by Bruce Lipton - I think what I liked about things he said were that there are lots of things that can be done in life to change outcomes, and therefore I feel more positive that I can make some positive changes.  He spoke of the effects of the first 7 years of life on thought processes, and how we can take on other people's hopes and aspirations, rather than our own - and so I feel like I need to begin to think about what things might benefit my life now - in my 6th decade of life - and work towards finding out what matters to me, and get a better idea of who I am.

I think I might be easily influenced by whatever I'd watched or listened to today - because of being raw and vulnerable in parts - so maybe tomorrow I will feel different.  I don't know.

Hope  :)

I'm having a hard time finding words to adequately express the thoughts that your 'letter to teacher' brought up for me. I have multiple incidents, but one very close, to exactly what happened to Little Hope.

Over time, many of these incidents have only accumulated in a huge pile of memories too fragile to touch. I end up leaving it all lumped together but it still feels like a tangled mess. I'm afraid even of trying sometimes, as it's such a huge task to ever wade through it all.
I've lashed out angrily at the 'voices' of the abusers that still haunt me, but haven't adequately found a way to uplift or at least touch my own little self, still cowering and crying in anguish and disappointment.

I think what I mainly what to say is to offer a deep silent hug --   :hug: to honour and appreciate how hard that letter and the willingness to explore what will ultimately help your Little Hope part to experience needed love and encouragement for moving forward.

Hi hope,
I'm sorry your feeling a little raw and vulnerable and I'm impressed at your self awareness and willingness to explore how little hope is reacting to things, I guess I admire it because they are the things I struggle with, you  have encouraged me to keep trying though
Thanks

Hi Woodsgnome,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and reactions - and I am so sorry that you have had such a similar experience as what happened to Little Hope - in the Letter to teacher situation.   :hug: to Little Woodsgnome and Little Hope and any other little children dealing with difficult stuff like that.  Your words really helped me, thank you.  I appreciate the deep and silent hug very much  :hug: - it means a lot.

Hi Wattlebird,
Thanks so much for saying that, and I want you to know that you have helped and encouraged me too - knowing we're all coping with things makes it feel like we're less alone with things - that's what I think, and I appreciate your words very much.  Thank you.   :hug:

************
26th October 2019
I am feeling better than I was the last couple of days today - I had some strange experiences yesterday - but in retrospect I think it was an EF or series of small EF's, and culminated in some strange experiences, but I wrote about them, and that helped me to feel a bit more separate from them for a while, and I feel a lot better today.  I am thankful for that.  I was feeling a bit scared and anxious yesterday - wondering if I was ok or not - I wasn't sure.

I feel quite tired today - I feel as if I want to go to sleep for the afternoon - I might even do that.  I think it would be nice to be snug in bed and warm and cosy. 
Hope  :)

Hello Hope, I just wanted to say I hope you enjoyed a nice rest and recovery. I often have to sleep in the day or afternoon, especially after an ef and / or tough few days. I think it is good self care!   :) :hug:

Hi SaB,
Thank you - I did enjoy some rest, it was restful.  I agree with you about good self-care.   :hug: to you.

*******
28th October 2019
I am experiencing times today when my brain has literally refused to work - and I've felt like my brain has gone blank, and it happened when I was making a telephone call today and the woman asked me for my phone number, and I couldn't remember either my own number or my mobile number - luckily she could see the number I was calling from, so she told me it was fine.  I felt silly though - but she laughed with me, rather than at me, so it was ok.  I had just said to her that my mind has for some reason gone completely blank - she was fine about that.

I've been comfort eating today - and I am annoyed at myself for that.  But I can't help it.  I feel like my inners are wanting me to meet their needs, and I'm not sure what I can do to keep them comfortable.  I have feelings that I can't really put into words at all - I've tried listening to some calming music, but that has ended up making me feel very sad - and I realise how powerful music is to do that.  Maybe I'll go back to doing dot-to-dots, as those were very calming for me previously. 

I'm still quite freaked out by the experience of literally seeing my M's face in the face of the woman - it was like she changed infront of my eyes, and I needed to keep calm and not tell her what I was experiencing, but it did freak me out.  But it didn't surprise me either - I've experienced things like that before, but not quite as strongly.

I had thoughts yesterday that I regretted how things had turned out - wishing that I could somehow replay time and do things differently, but in the light of today - I have told myself that essentially it wasn't my fault - even though there are parts of me that blame myself. 

I also feel like I've let down some of my parts, because I've stopped doing the regular attempts to communicate with them - visualising the table where they could all come - I've not been doing that for quite a long time, although I have been trying to be mindful of them in other ways and listen to what they communicate to me.  But I have found the book I had bought which contains worksheets and I might have a look at that again - it is Richard C. Schwartz's 'Internal Family Systems' exercises and worksheets.  I am glad to have got this, but so far I've just been reading it, rather than doing any of the exercises.

I feel calmer now that I'm writing here - so that's a good outcome. 

Hope  :)

Sounds like you have some great introspection here, Hope. If you start doing those worksheets, I hope they are a benefit to you.

I have a tough time remembering things too. I'd have to look up my mobile number, I don't know it by heart.

Take care! :)

Hi Jazzy,
Thank you for saying that, you made me feel a lot better - knowing I'm not the only one who forgets phone numbers like that.  I think it was down to being in an EF at the time, it really makes my brain freeze.   :hug: to you.

*************
30th October 2019
I am considering the possibility of taking a break from technology and social media etc for the month of November - I've done this before, and I find it helps me to take time out from it in that way - so I think I will do that.  I will however miss people here very much - but at the same time, I hope to re-connect in December, and I also hope to be refreshed as a result of the break from the internet etc.  I will sign-out in the checking out part, so people know I'm away - and I intend to be back in December.

:grouphug: to everyone. 
Hope  :)

Hope, just wanted to say thank you for being here. I appreciate you and am glad taking a break is restorative and supportive. I look forward to 'seeing'  you when you return.  :hug:

Hi Hope,
I just wanted to say thank you for mentioning the IFS therapy book a while ago. I've finally started reading it, and I'm finding it very helpful. I hope you're having a restful, healing break. :hug:

Hi MoonBeam - I have missed everyone here, whilst I was away on my break - it was restorative and it was supportive, and it's lovely to read your message here when I have returned, thank you!  I hope you are ok, and I am looking forward to being here again.   :hug:

Hi Snowdrop - I'm glad that you've started reading the IFS therapy book and that you find it helpful.  Can you let me know the title of the one you have, as I think I bought a 'workbook 'version, and I suspect I may get more out of the original book - so I am keen to know the title of it.  I'm so glad you are finding it helpful, - I think I would like to buy it too - as it will be more thorough and detailed than the workbook, and then I can use them together.  My break was restful and I found it healing too - thank you for your message here.   :hug:

1st December 2019
I have missed this forum very much, but it did me good to have a break in November, and I feel I have benefited from it.
I feel stronger in myself - and feel greater inner stability - I've had to deal with a few stressful things during the month, but I did get through them, and that was positive for me to have done that.

It's good to be back back here, and I will hope to catch up a bit over time, but I'm pacing myself, as I feel as if I need to really keep my pace at one that is workable for me, and I feel like I need a slow pace.
Hope  :)

Welcome back, Hope. I missed you. I'm glad you the break did you good. :hug:

I bought Internal Family Systems Therapy (second edition) by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy. It's a fantastic book. It made lots of things click into place, and I've been getting great results from applying it.

I've also bought the audiobook Greater than the Sum of our Parts by Richard Schwartz. I've not listened to all of it yet, but it's a course on using IFS for yourself with guided meditations on working with parts. Prices for it vary quite a lot, but if you qualify for a free Audible trial, you should be able to get it there for free.

:hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on December 01, 2019, 10:46:50 AM
I feel stronger in myself - and feel greater inner stability

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
You are an inspiration the way you manage to take breaks from the forum and sometimes the whole Internet to continue your healing by other methods and also by dealing IRL!

Quote from: Hope67 on December 01, 2019, 10:46:50 AM
I'm pacing myself, as I feel as if I need to really keep my pace at one that is workable for me, and I feel like I need a slow pace.

I had wanted to say "Welcome to the club!" but it sounds as if you are further along in this than I am. I've been told it's a huge step when you find your own pace - which I sort of have, and it's slow. The next step would be accepting the pace for what it is and embracing it. It sounds as if you're on this route already :thumbup: :thumbup: :applause: 
:hug: :grouphug:

welcome back, hope.  missed you.  glad you're feeling good about your break.  excellent!  love and hugs, sweetie. :hug:

Welcome back, Hope. Missed you.

Hi Snowdrop - I want to thank you for the title of the book, I've ordered it, and I've also started a free trial of Audible so I could get the audio book you mentioned.  I have started to listen to it, but only got to the first hour - and I find it hard so far, but I am going to persevere and hopefully get things out of it.  Thank you.  I am hoping that the book will come soon, as I feel sure it will be helpful.  It was great to get the audio book for free, as the price was expensive otherwise - so thanks for the suggestion.  Very good idea.

Hi Blueberry - you are so kind to say what you said.  I am not at all sure that I am further down the road than you, in terms of managing finding my own pace - I just know that I need a slow pace, and so I'm trying for that.  I find my mind won't allow me to function sometimes, as there are too many competing thoughts and perspectives going on, so I need to take some distance and try to slow things down.  It's quite challenging for me, but I'm doing my best, and taking breaks from internet etc does seem to help me to re-focus on things - and not get overwhelmed.  So I am glad I was able to do that in November.  I appreciate your kind words very much, and also the hugs.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for that lovely welcome, I missed you too - and I appreciate those hugs and the love, thank you.   :hug:

Hi Notalone - thank you, I missed you too.  It's good to be back here again. 

2nd December - I feel so hungry as I write this, and I know I wasn't feeling hungry at all when I came here, but somehow something inside me is revenous now for food or for something - I don't know what it is, but I am aware of it.  So maybe I'll eat something, because maybe it is hunger...
Hope  :)

3rd December 2019
I'm finding it hard to get my bearings again, as I've been away for a while, taking a break from technology, and somehow now I'm back, I feel like I don't know where to start, or what to focus on - I've ordered the book on IFS and am waiting for that to arrive, and I've started to listen to the audio version - and I found that my parts became very quiet - as if they were resistant and didn't want to be around - hence it was hard.  Then today, I've been shown various memories by a younger part - they focus around events at school and treatment by the teacher who wasn't kind to Little Hope.

I want to read other people's Journals to catch up with people here, but so far, I've not felt able to do so.  Not sure why.  Maybe I'm scared to over-whelm myself, but I've missed people.  But maybe part of me is scared about feeling closer to people, and wants to distance me from that.

Having returned to social media things like Facebook, I now see things that my estranged sister is posting, and find that there is part of me who wants me to disconnect from that, and not see those things, but there are other parts which want to see those things, and know what she is doing. 

I find Facebook frustrating, as I never know if people get messages that are sent to them.  I contacted my cousins previously, and I just don't know if they saw those messages or not.  I never got a reply.  I think I feel a bit angry about that.  I don't feel anger very often, so that is unusual.

Now I'm sitting here and I just don't know what to say, it's like I can't think of anything, my mind has gone blank. 

My sleep has been better recently - although over past weeks I've had some bad dreams where I've ended up feeling as if I'm crying in my sleep - and the content of the dreams has been as if I'm being denied freedom and subjected to something I don't like, and it's made me feel distraught and I've cried a lot.  I think maybe I actually cried, as one night I noticed that my face was wet with tears.  But at the same time, I can't be sure of that memory - so I don't know if it was actually true or not. 

I am reminded that I had a book by Mary Bratton which is about CSA, and I feel as if I should be working on things in there, but I have mislaid that book - so part of me doesn't want me to find it.  I feel frustrated by that.  I feel as if I can work on the IFS book, once it arrives, and I hope I keep hold of it, and don't lose sight of it!

I feel as if I'm in some kind of bubble currently - as if I can't feel or experience things in the world properly - so maybe that's a sense of derealization or something similar to that - I'd like to break through that sense and feel more things, and I wonder why I feel such a need to protect myself just now. 

Hope  :)

Sounds like derealisation or a bit of dissociation
I can relate to your resisting connections, I get that when some part of me is emotionally fragile.
Sending hugs  :hug:   :hug:

Dear Wattlebird,
Thank you - I relate to what you said, it makes sense.  I think I was feeling some dissociation and de-realization, and that it was due to trying to do the exercises that Richard Schwartz suggested, and I think maybe my parts don't feel they can trust him yet - they're a bit scared about it.  I related to Janine Fisher's book, and to her, and I think that Richard Schwartz will be similarly positive for me, but I think my parts need to get used to him, and to the theory etc, and that then maybe over time they will feel comfortable.  I've been thinking about it quite a bit, and that's what I've concluded.

Anyway, I really appreciate what you said, and thank you  :hug:  You mentioned feeling emotionally fragile and that's a good way to say it - I relate to that completely.   :hug:

Hope  :)

9th December 2019
So I've started reading the book by Richard C. Schwartz & Martha Sweezy entitled "Internal Family Systems Therapy - 2nd Edition" and I am up to p236, which means I've nearly finished it - it's only been a few days, but I wanted to read it to see what was involved, and I wanted to reflect on some of my thoughts and feelings as I have been reading it.

I find that it relates and fits into the previous book that I read by Janina Fisher - and I am glad that I am focusing more on internal family systems and parts, as I really relate to it, and feel like I've begun to make some in-roads with it - but at the same time, I feel as if I hadn't realised the different roles that my parts hold - and now I'm beginning to realise those things a little better.  I realise that I didn't check back in with my parts regularly enough, and that events over the Summer months had frightened me a little, and I'd been scared off a bit - I also recognise that some parts try to distract me - I guess they are the fire-fighters mentioned in Schwartz's book - and I recognise some protectors, and I recognise the fact that I am sometimes blended with my parts, and don't necessarily realise that.  But I also feel like there is a Self within, and that I do glimpse that Self sometimes, and feel as if she is able to negotiate things with the other parts - and essentially, now I realise that doing Internal Family Systems therapy doesn't mean that any part will be left behind or erased, then I think that has been reassuring to my parts, and I feel more comfortable about trying to pursue it further.

I have been interested in Snowdrop's Journal and all the stellar work she is doing with her parts, and it makes me feel very optimistic - and I want to follow along that path.  I am going to try to check in with my parts on a daily basis, and keep listening for signs and signals from them, and try to communicate more with exiled parts - and listen to the things they want to tell me. 

Hope  :)

I'm glad reading the book has been so helpful.

I think there are probably two key things which have really helped me, and I'll write them here in case they are in any way helpful to you.

The first is recognising my Self. If I feel anything other than calm, curious, compassionate or any of those other qualities that begin with C, it's a sign that I'm probably blended with a part. If I feel scared, for example, I know that I'm not completely my Self. I can ask the scared part to step to one side, ask it what its role is, how it's protecting me, how old it thinks I am etc.

The second is getting permission from protector parts every step of the way. If I want to talk to an exile, for example, I first make sure I get permission from any protectors that might be involved, and I also ask them if they know of any other protectors I need to talk to. It can sometimes take a while to negotiate with everyone, but the end result feels right.

You're making such good progress, Hope. Feeling that there's a Self within is great, and it's absolutely true that no part gets erased. Every part is valuable. Listening for parts and checking in on them regularly is also an excellent idea. :hug:

Hi Snowdrop,  Thank you - those things are very helpful - I appreciate you sharing them, and also your support and validation - thank you  :hug:
Hope  :)

11th December 2019
I dreamed last night that I was selling flowers (roses) and that it was as if time lasted forever, and there was no pressure or angst or upset - it was purely calm and people were accepting of anything, and there was no pressure.  It was in contrast to how things can often feel in real life - and I wondered if this slowing down of time is somehow related to the fact I'm communicating with my inner parts and letting them know that there's no pressure to do anything they don't want to do, and that they are all valuable and we can work things out over time - and there is time.

I just feel calmer.

Hope  :)

I think you're right. :yes:

Calmness is one of the qualities of the Self. If you're feeling calmer, it could well be that you're being more your Self, and have unblended from your parts. Being more conscious of parts can help them unblend.

This is really good! :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop - I appreciate your comments here and also the hug  :hug:

14th December 2019
Part of me has wanted to write here a few times in the past few days, but somehow there have been other parts who have distracted me, or not felt so keen to do that, but today I am going to just hopefully write a few things.

I've been reading the book entitled 'Internal Family Systems: Skills Training Manual by Anderson, Sweezy & Schwartz (2019) and have been interested in how different parts of me have reacted to that.  I realise I have many proactive 'managers' which embody things like perfectionism, intellectualising, one-sided caretaking, and potentially trying to control and please others - also I relate to having reactive parts who lead me to binge or comfort eat, numb my feelings, dissociate frequently. 

I am trying my best to find my Self - "the you who is not a part" - and sometimes I think I've reached that, but I also acknowledge that there are parts that seem 'self-like' - so I'm wondering how to better find out what is going on. 

I find this helpful, where they write in the manual "Protective parts - we go as fast as they let us go." and "Protectors set the pace".

Some things I've noticed whilst I read that book, is that I get physical feelings where I feel nauseous in certain parts of my body, or I feel tightness around my throat, or I feel dizzy and spaced out.  It is happening even as I write this, and I'm aware of that, but I also want to ask for permission from those parts to continue with this, as I feel like I want to write some things down here.

I want to help parts relax, and to be present.

I think I relate more to hypoarousal - in that I tend to withdraw rather than get over-activated.  I noticed that "out-of-office strategies for hypoarousal = emotion-or body-based e.g. walk or run, yoga poses, gardening, having sex, listening to music, or watching an emotionally charged movie" - I find these interesting, and I do enjoy some of them.

I also related to these words "Clients who have experienced extreme attachment rupture often have protective (and sometimes exiles) who don't trust anyone."  I relate to that, as I find I don't trust many people completely. 

This is also relevant to me - "Breaks in continuity are fuelled by protector fears.  Often protective parts try to derail the work by distracting.  They are trying to keep the exile out of mind."

"As we get close to an exile, we expect protectors to get activated."

I understand that pacing this work is so important, and going at the pace that my protectors, exiles etc can cope with.  I already notice that they are reacting in various ways, and I feel like I'm gaining some realisations about things.  I am welcoming all parts and trying to communicate with them, providing I am enabled to do that. 

I don't feel able to write anymore just now - what I feel would be beneficial to me is to be more honest and open about my emotions, my thoughts and my feelings, but there are parts which are reluctant to allow me to do that.  I need to negotiate with them, and find a path that will enable me to do that, as I feel it is a key to helping me to process some emotions etc, and I feel I need to do that.

Hope  :)

hey, hope,

you are doing so much work in this area, it's amazing to see.  i think integrating our parts is a process, and your recognition, acknowledgment, and acceptance of them is incredible.  it's interesting, once again, how our bodies also communicate with us as we're working our process.  i wonder if there's some advantage to knowing what various bodily messages might mean.  for example, what does nausea mean to our bodies?  that we're off balance?  we've ingested something we don't agree with?  and could that connect to how we're feeling emotionally?

this stuff fascinates me on some level.  during my last therapy appt., i experienced nausea while processing a feeling.  it was also related to disgust.  when i think of seeing something disgusting, i can definitely get a feeling of being nauseated.  take that a step further, it's a sign to me that what i was thinking about made me 'sick'.  my t even put the wastebasket closer to me in case i needed to use it.

van der kolk talks about this all the time.  the body does, indeed to my mind, keep the score.  we can learn about ourselves, and our self, on so many levels.

i give you a lot of credit for how you're pursuing this, hope.  hard work, but it sounds like it's being helpful to you, so i'm really glad you're going after it.  sending love and a hug full of understanding :hug:

I wondered about Self-like parts too. I find approaching things visually helps, as where my vision comes from gives me clues. If it's as though I'm looking through my eyes, it means I'm my Self. If it's as though I'm looking at someone who looks like me from outside my body, it means I'm looking at a part. I hope that makes sense!

Quote...I get physical feelings where I feel nauseous in certain parts of my body, or I feel tightness around my throat, or I feel dizzy and spaced out.

^^^ I can relate to this. I had a protector part who kept tightening my throat to try and prevent me saying things that it felt might put me in danger. I had another protector part that made me feel dizzy so that I would have to leave situations that it thought might overwhelm me.

You're doing really, really well, Hope. :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much  :hug: 
Hi Snowdrop, Thank you so much  :hug:
Both of you have said things that are so helpful to me, and thank you. 
Hope  :)

17th December 2019
I am so relieved because I did something social this morning, that had caused me some anxiety and I've actually managed to get through it without anything awkward or bad happening, and I am so relieved!  My parts were very anxious about the whole thing, and some of them had wanted me to get out of it, but I tried to reassure them that it would be ok - although I am not sure how much I believed that it would - in my head many negative scenarios had been thought of, but thankfully none of those things actually happened, and it was ok.  So I am just relieved!    :cheer:
Hope  :)

Well done! :applause:

Thank you Snowdrop  :hug:
Hope  :)

20th December 2019
Hoping to reflect on a few things here - especially the fact that over the past few weeks I've noticed that I've been dreaming more often, and whereas in the past the content would have been more disturbing or frightening even, currently the themes in the dreams are more like some kind of processing is happening.  For example, I dreamed a couple of night's ago that I was attending a party, (bearing in mind social events are things I tend to avoid if I can, and especially parties!) but I was actually attending the party in my dream, and was being 'looked after' by a female person who I couldn't see her face or what she looked like, but I sensed she was there alongside me and she was looking after me, and making me feel more accepted and welcomed in that scene.  This felt enjoyable in the dream, and I liked the feeling. 

I had another dream that is memorable about a week earlier, and that had been when I had been doing some attempts to contact my inner parts and communicate with them, and I think that one of my fire-fighter parts had become upset or disturbed by that, as I believe they became active in my dreams, and made me think that my partner was going out to the cinema with another woman, and I felt very jealous of this.  Normally I would talk about my dreams to my partner, but on this occasion I didn't - because I thought that the fire-fighter part was trying to somehow come between us with something evoking jealousy in this way, and instead of discussing the dream with my partner, I tried to communicate with the fire-fighter part, and say that there isn't any need to act in that way, as there is no need to - I apologised if I had been moving too fast for that part, or if I hadn't asked permission to proceed with the work I was doing - and asked that part if it could relax and not cause issues in that way - I'm not entirely sure how effective that was, but that is the process that I tried to follow, and I haven't had any further dreams of that particular theme.

Yesterday I wrote a 'letter not to be sent' in the other part of the forum, and it was helpful to do that, and to hear Blueberry's thoughts about it too - I felt very much as if I have progressed and that I do feel stronger. 

I'm trying to allow myself a pace that feels comfortable, and that isn't rushed.  I'm trying to ensure that all my parts are listened to, and I feel like I have more internal space that feels calmer.  So I think I am accessing more of my 'self' or should I say 'Self' - as Richard Shwartz uses a capital S for Self. 

I would like to try to do some drawing, but I know there is part of me that is scared to express myself in drawing, as I still think back to an experience I had where I was shocked by what I drew, but I am hoping that I can try and see what happens.  I think I'll have to try to talk to my parts beforehand and see if any of them are reluctant, and maybe ask them to stand back for a while to let me try it out.  Maybe I'll try this on the weekend.  I don't know.

I have bought the book 'The Secret Garden' as I want to read it again, I've not read it for many years. 

I feel less anxious and worried about social things this year, I feel as if I could possibly cope better with them.  That's how I feel today - I hope this feeling stays with me.

Hope  :)

hey, hope,

sounds like progress and processing.  good for you! :thumbup:

sending love and a hug full of continuing support :hug:

You're doing brilliantly, Hope. Well done. :hug:

Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much for the lovely hug, and for your continued support - I always appreciate what you say, and your kindness.   :hug:
Hi Snowdrop - your validation means a lot - thank you so much -  :hug:

21st December 2019
I've been finding that I'm more emotional this past couple of days - watching films on TV or listening to music, is making a very emotional tearful part of me react.  But I'm just allowing the tears to flow, and haven't avoided anything - just tried to comfort that part who is so emotional - during the process of watching the film or listening to the music.  I think it's like releasing stuff that needs to come out. 

Hope  :)

I've been in a similar state lately -- involving boatloads of tears just springing up. Where I once resisted them, I let them roll now. I'm not around in public much, but even if so I wouldn't be so inclined to fall into social niceties. Honouring my inner strength (yes, even via tears!) is too important to stuff away in a locked box.

Hope it's alright to share this --   :hug:

Dear Woodsgnome, I really appreciate you sharing this - thank you so much  :hug:  I particularly find your statement about 'honouring your inner strength' being too important to stuff away in a locked box, it is definitely very empowering - here's to being able to let our tears flow, as and when those parts want to express things - honouring our strength through our tears, and in other ways too.   :hug:

Hope  :)

well, i've joined the weeping wagon.  feeling fragile.  must be the holidays.  i know i have a hole in my heart where my oldest d belongs.  this, too, shall pass.  one day at a time, right?  you're not alone, hope.  love and hugs :hug:

Thinking of you Hope.  :hug: if that's ok.

Hi SanMagic,  I think the holidays are impacting - and this weeping wagon is huge and safe - so it can hold us all.  Thank you for joining me and letting me know I'm not alone - I was thinking how grateful I am to have this virtual family here - of people who understand and empathise and really 'get it' - and it's a special thing to have that.  Thank you  :hug:  Whatever comes our way, I agree - this too will pass, and one day at a time, extremely right.   :)  Sending you love and hugs too  :hug:

Hi MoonBeam - I very much appreciate you coming by and I love that hug - thank you so much  :hug:  Sending one back to you - and wishing you the best for today and the holidays.   :hug:

24th December 2019
If I wanted to write in a few words how I'm feeling, I wouldn't be able to say it, as there are too many conflicting parts - who each have different thoughts and feelings about this time of year, but essentially I feel as if there is a calmer Self at the helm, and listening to each of the parts of me - and keeping more harmony.

I'm continuing to pace things and feel like it's going better than past years.  So far so good.  Allowing feelings to surface, and trying not to judge them - listening to them and whatever they are communicating. 

Hope  :)

Hope, glad you are allowing your feelings to surface without judgement.  :hug:

Dear Notalone - thank you so much.   :hug:

*****
26th December 2019
I'm finding it an emotional time - there are more things surfacing for me this Christmas, and I'm feeling more things - but I know that's because I've been allowing the feelings to be felt more, and I've not been dissociating or repressing them down as would have been my tendency previously - therefore I'm experiencing them more.  I felt as if I dreamed last night and met an exiled part - and somehow that part of me stayed with me for quite a bit of today - but I managed to somehow exist through the day trying to acknowledge her feelings and thoughts - which were heavy and dark, but which I felt were reasonable too.

I have been over-eating - comfort-eating, and I am gaining weight and don't feel happy about this.  I need to try to do something about it, but part of me wants me to eat more, and it's harder to resist that.

Hope  :)

28th December 2019
I want to remind myself of this, as it's come to my mind, and I feel it's relevant.  I know that I've been trying to be open and listening to different parts of myself, and trying to hear what they communicate to me - and trying to understand those things, but I also recognise a fear and a resistance regarding the suggestions that Richard Schwartz suggests regarding actually having a conversation with them - i.e. asking them things, or communicating more directly - so I am happy to listen and watch what flashbacks and senses they show me, but I am reluctant to engage my Self in asking them things, or finding out directly - and I acknowledge this, and think it is something that fits in with other things I've noticed.

I fear the unknown, and want to keep myself safe.  Maybe if I ask them things, I'll find out more than I can cope with.  Maybe that's it.
I want to tentatively try to investigate or engage further - maybe I will.  But I'm quite scared about it at the same time.

Even writing this makes a part of me feel uncomfortable.  But I've written it, and it's ok.

Hope  :)

It was very useful to have written that, as I kept reflecting on it more afterwards, and then I re-read it just now, and I think I understand that I was speaking on behalf of an anxious and scared part of myself, who is worried about the potential of delving into things at a pace that is too quick, and I therefore think that getting to know all parts of myself, and ensuring I go at a pace that feels ok for all of them, would be beneficial.

It's not that my Self isn't able to talk to the parts, it's that there are some parts which are worried or anxious and avoidant, and are there for various reasons and serve various roles, and therefore I need to engage with them, and get them on board so I can then communicate better.

I also particularly want to engage with the part of myself which causes me to comfort eat, as this has been happening a lot lately and I know it's a time of year for excess food and drink, but I really don't want to gain any more weight.  Thankfully the availability of extra food is now running out!  I would need to buy more - and I'm not intending to do that.  But that part of me that was feeling comforted by eating more, will then feel a great void - and I need to ensure I meet those needs another way.  So I'm going to think about that and try to have a different course of action, instead of eating too much.

Hope  :)

QuoteI think I understand that I was speaking on behalf of an anxious and scared part of myself, who is worried about the potential of delving into things at a pace that is too quick

^^^ I think it's great that you recognised this :yes:. You're being aware of your parts feelings, and that's excellent. Definitely a good idea to get them on board. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop, I appreciate you saying that very much.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Sending hugs to fill  your void  :hug:  :hug: :hug:

Hi Wattlebird, thank you so much, I know you're facing some difficult things at the moment, and you came and sent me hugs to fill my void, and I appreciate that so much, and know that those hugs are reciprocated back to you, and heartfelt.  Thank you  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

5th January 2020
It seems strange to write 2020, but at the same time I am hopeful that this decade will be a positive one, as I am continuing to work on befriending my parts, and feel that it is a helpful process - although also challenging at times.  I recognise I have various parts, and some of them are resistant to my reading about things or sharing things, and I need to negotiate with them to enable me to do that - and I experience EF's where I can't process things, and then struggle to communicate.  There was a few times this week that I wanted to come here and write about things, but parts of me were resistant, and so I couldn't do it.

I have been reading another book - it's Judith Herman's book called 'Trauma & Recovery' and I have finished it - and found it very good.  It brought up a lot of things for me, and I found that I was having more flashbacks and realisations - and that's probably why I couldn't communicate so easily - reacting to that, and processing.

I've been dreaming more, thinking more, and feeling more. 

But I feel this is ok.  It's been manageable rather than over-whelming. 

I watched a film last night that did feel quite over-whelming though - (potential trigger warning here, as mentioning things that trigger me - however not sure exactly what the themes are) - but the film was called 'Instant Family' and was about a couple who foster some children - and I just found the emotion and portrayal of this to be very emotional for me - particularly when watching the foster mother combing the hair of the 15 year old - it made me feel an incredible loss of a motherly relationship with my own M - I just never felt that sense of love from her.  I really don't think I ever felt it.

I think I've been mourning and grieving for some losses.

Whilst I think of it - I want to write more about some other issues, but I don't feel I can write about them in my Journal - I'll have to write them in the CSA part of the forum, as I like to separate it from my journal, and it feels safer there somehow.  I wonder whether this wish to compartmentalise is typical to me, as I have so often dissociated and put things behind hidden doors, and attempted perhaps not to see the reality of what has happened to me in my life. 

I've been beginning to realise things more - to realise the pain and feel some emotions relating to that. 

I'm glad I've been able to write this much today, as I hadn't felt able to in the past few days. 

Hope  :)

Hope, I want to send you a big hug filled with compassion as you are mourning and grieving loss.

Quote from: Hope67 on January 05, 2020, 07:10:24 PM
Whilst I think of it - I want to write more about some other issues, but I don't feel I can write about them in my Journal - I'll have to write them in the CSA part of the forum, as I like to separate it from my journal, and it feels safer there somehow.  I wonder whether this wish to compartmentalise is typical to me, as I have so often dissociated and put things behind hidden doors, and attempted perhaps not to see the reality of what has happened to me in my life. 

My therapist has often said that "dissociation is a gift." It is a way that we have survivied. It makes sense to me that you want to separate some things from your journal and post in CSA instead.

Hope, thank you so much for sharing your journey.  I totally understand parts being resistant to sharing. So often I visit OOTS wanting to share, to check in with folks and I find I can read posts, but just can't bring myself to post, for several reasons I suppose. You help me see that it's ok to honor those parts and to want to be curious as to who they are and what they need.

I'm so glad that things feel manageable, not overwhelming for you as you experience flashbacks and process all that has been coming up for you. That's a huge amount of progress, to be able to stay present and allow the feelings.

Very gentle hug to you Hope, if it's ok.  :hug:  I really appreciate you and admire your strength.

Hi Notalone, Thank you so much for the big hug filled with compassion, I felt it, and appreciated it.   :hug:  I like what your therapist said about dissociation as a gift, as I can see the logic in that - it is a survival defence, and it is helpful.

Hi MoonBeam, Thank you for the very gentle hug  :hug: and for saying what you said, I appreciate your thoughts and care.   :hug:

7th January 2020
I have written two lots of things, and then erased them, so I'm struggling today to allow myself to write things here - so I think I'll leave it for now, and maybe try again tomorrow.  I think there is too much resistance within me to enable me to write.  But I feel frustrated about that.

Hope  :)

Hope, I hear your conflict of wanting to share/write and parts being resistant to your writing. Understand.

hey, hope,

there have been plenty of times i've wanted to write, then backed away.  when you or your parts are ready, it'll happen.  i think it's also progress that you can recognize when it's ok for you to do this, and when it's best to leave it be.  self-awareness - i think too often that's gotten stomped out of us in one way, shape, or form, and it's a really good thing, to my mind, to begin getting it back, especially when it comes to self-care.  love and hugs to you my dear. :hug:

Hi Notalone, I found your understanding very helpful - thank you  :hug:
Hi Sanmagic - I know my parts aren't ready yet, but you're right, they will be at some point, and hopefully soon.  I'm going to negotiate some more to enable me to write something, and hopefully soon, as I know it will be good for me to get things out here and share them in this supportive space.  Many thanks for the love and hugs, Sanmagic.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Good choice hope! sometimes our parts need to feel we are listening and you have (I think) reassured them with your decision not to write when they were unhappy with what you were saying.
Wb

I was thinking of you, and wanted to send you a hug :hug:. I think that the respect you're showing towards your parts will help them feel safe with you and build trust.

Hi Wattlebird & Snowdrop - thank you both for what you said, and sending you both hugs  :hug: :hug: 

*********
14th January 2020
There is a very triggered part of me currently, and it feels as if things aren't safe, and that the world is a lonely and stark and frightening place, and that she is all alone.  But my Self is trying to reassure her that it's ok, and that she is safe.  She isn't alone, and that she is welcome and wanted and cared for.  I know she can't feel that at the moment, but I am trying to reassure her.  I know it's difficult this week, there have been so many triggering events and situations, and so it feels like there's lots to get through, too many challenges, and it feel over-whelming, BUT, time is passing and I (and all parts of me) are managing to cope, so this is good.  It's not easy, but it's manageable. 

I haven't been able to post much here, recently, but I have been reading what other people write, and finding those things so helpful.  I am grateful to each and every one of you who share your journeys here, and write about your thoughts, feelings, and so much that is helpful.   :grouphug:

I still have some triggering things to get through later today, but I will do it.  I am facing things, and I will do it.
Hope  :)

you're not alone in this, hope.  sending love and a hug filled w/ caring and togetherness - we are in this together. :grouphug:

Hope, my mind keeps going blank. I can say that I care about you and your parts. I'm sorry for the part that is feeling alone. I know that feeling and it is awful.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
I read what you wrote a couple of days ago, and it really helped me - I hope to write more about the ways it helped me, maybe when I manage to write more - but I wanted you to know that it did.  Thank you  :hug:

Hi Notalone,
I was really touched that you came by and wrote something, even though your mind kept going blank - as I feel your care for me and for my parts, and I really appreciate it.  Thank you for what you said, and for also validating the feeling - it means a lot that you care.   :hug:

**********
16th January 2020
I am so thankful that I can come here and write about things, and even during times when I feel as if I can't write anything, then I just read and value so much what everyone says - it means a lot. 

I am hoping to write more soon - but just wanted to say how much I appreciate this place and everyone here.
Hope  :)

back atcha, hope - you're appreciated, too. :yes:

love and hugs, sweetie. :hug:

Thanks SanMagic, love and hugs to you too.  :hug:
*****
17th January 2020
I am feeling as if I might be able to write again over the weekend, and I really hope I can, as I want to, and feel it would help me to do so.  I've had a lot of triggering situations last week and it was tough to keep negotiating my way through everything, but the great thing is that I managed to get through the week, and I am feeling reasonably ok at the end of it.  I am relieved. 
Hope  :)

me, too - i'm relieved for you, hope.  love and hugs :hug:

Getting through everything is good. Feeling reasonably OK at the end of it is really good. Well done! :hug:

Getting through a week with triggering situations and being okay is a victory. Good for you.  :hug: When you are ready to write more and share, I am wanting to hear what you have to say.

Hi SanMagic, Snowdrop & Notalone - thanks so much - I appreciate your replies very much  :hug: :hug: :hug:

*****
20th January 2020
I've been struggling to write recently, but today I feel able to put something down, and I really feel that I am beginning to find a lock to open the door to explore more of my life.

I very much feel as if I've been stuck in some kind of time warped waiting room – unable to truly experience things due to so many factors – too numerous to list, but all are related to my history and experience of life growing up. 

A few things have helped to shift me into action – things I've been reading in the forum – one of which was a post by RecoveryRandal who mentioned in the title of that post 'I suck at anger' and there was a reply from Kizzie who quoted things that Pete Walker had written about that, and I really related to those things.

Then arale posted about Goodbyes, and gave a link to a Jungian podcast – episode 88 being called 'Partings and Farewells' - I know I am triggered by Goodbyes and even the mention of the word or words related to it would have been tough for me to cope with in the past – they still are, but I don't feel the same depth of reaction – I did however get a massive whoosh of emotion when I started listening to that podcast – and tears fell from my eyes and my throat tightened, but I found I was able to listen and steadily as I tried to reassure the upset and distraught parts of myself, I was then able to focus and listen without so much tension and upset – and I could process some of the things they were saying.

I wrote notes whilst listening, and I want to write them here:

"Poignant farewell – authentic – holiding of the relationship – acknowledgement that we mattered to someone – there has been a story here.
Sorrow – gut-wrenching – willing to let something go – time to let it go – Has to be an ending to an important process – A time for endings
Soul prepared itself?  Time-frame – Feel the ending coming.  Painful/upsetting.
Avoid it.
Claiming the love – Let the old life go.  New life ahead.  Developmentally.  Stay with messier feelings.  Hang onto it.  Sadness – Love – Joy – A very full feeling – Write and stay connected
Feel it – If you can't allow the parting/ending and embrace it – then it can stifle growth."

I found it similarly upsetting to re-read the notes I wrote, and now I've managed to copy them from my hand-written paper into type – and that feels ok.  I'm proud of the fact I've done this, because a couple of years back I doubt I'd have even coped with listening to the podcast, let alone written something about it.

Thank you arale for the link to the podcast, I shall look out for more like that – I wonder if reading any Jung might be helpful.  I've often wanted to – but never done so – or at least not much.  I also found the analysis of the dream in the podcast was interesting too. 

I am glad to have written something – I wanted to write something today.
Hope  :)

Hope,
Glad you were able to get some of your thoughts written down.  :hug:

Hi Notalone, Thank you.   :hug:

***********
21st January 2020
I feel as if I'm grieving for many things at the moment - things hurt and touch me emotionally far more than they normally would, but I am thinking that might be a positive thing, as before I was quite dissociated from 'feeling' so much.  I'm more in touch with things now.

I wrote some notes on a piece of paper last week - which included 1) Associations and memories 2) Stockholme Syndrome and 3) Keeping parts safe.  At the time I wrote those things, they were meaningful, and not I can't remember the context of why I wrote them - so I'm putting them here again, to keep them in mind, as I am likely to shred the paper - I wrote lots of things underneath that I want to get rid of.

Whilst I think of it, I've been trying to sort through some belongings at home, and sort them out - giving some away to charity and re-cycling and I am realising my attachments to things, and some of the emotional aspects of that.  I find I feel immense guilt about some items, and yet, I feel like I shouldn't have that feeling in relation to them - but it is there.  I've been talking to my partner about some of these things, and then I hear his perspective, and it is refreshingly different - makes me realise how differently I process things, and how maybe I could cut loose a bit.

I've had part of me feeling some anger this morning, and I felt I might have been acting that out in a potentially passive-aggressive way, and I acknowledged it, and spoke about it to my partner, and I think it was good to discuss it in that way, and thankfully the angry part seems to have dissipated again.

I feel stilted as I write this - it's not flowing very well in my mind, I feel tied up with the words somehow.  Like there's still parts of me who are resistant to my writing.  But I'm going to continue to write - when I need to, and when I want to, and hopefully even when I don't feel like it - as I value the opportunity to get these words out, and oftentimes it helps me.

I saw a post by Kat about educational experiences and I wanted to write there, but I feel it's too raw and painful for me to write about my experiences at school - so I'll perhaps wait a bit - but I was finding it helpful to read what people said, and what Kat said. 

Hope  :)

hope, your courage and strength are showing.  well done on tackling things that you've shied away from doing in the past  that's amazing progress! :yes:

i think you'll eventually find the meaning of those 3 things again - i believe they'll come to you when you need them, they'll make sense for you life, and you'll be able to process thru them.  i have faith in you.  love and a hug filled with letting go of whatever holds you back from moving forward.

Dear Hope, I'm so glad you found something for you in the process of bringing yourself to listen to the podcast about Partings and Farewells. I'm happy that my post has been useful to you.

I've been ambivalent about Jung's work. Sometimes, they're just brilliant, for example, the archetype of the Orphan:
http://calgaryjungsociety.org/connecting-you-archetype-of-the-orphan/

Many other times, his words seem to be too rooted in the history of the White Male Western civilization to be as universal as they claim.

One day, I might take up the challenge of watching Goodbye Christopher Robin. Thank you for the TW. Now, I'm prepped, and I know what I will be going into when I am ready.

Hi Sanmagic - thank you  :hug:
Hi arale - Thank you for sharing the link to the archetype of the orphan, it is good.  I don't know much about Jung, but I do want to read more of his writing.    Yes, please take care with the TW in Goodbye Christopher Robin, I literally wasn't able to tolerate watching more than about 5 minutes, it really was unbearable for me.  I'm not sure I can try again for a long while, maybe I won't re-watch it ever.  I was shocked by my reaction to it.  So visceral and deeply upsetting.  Take care when you watch it, and I hope you are able to cope, when/if you do watch it. 

************
24th January 2020
I found myself in touch with a very scared and frightened and anxious part of myself last night during the night - but I tried to comfort that part of myself, and it was a positive thing to have done, as I found it did help.  I was aware that I couldn't get any sense of what that part of myself looked like - it was as if that part was too frightened to come out in the open to see me.  Preferred to remain hidden from view.  I am curious about it.    During the day today I felt as if I had an angry part inside who was blending with me from time to time, and I had to be careful about how I acted and things I said.  However as the day went on, I found that I feel some relief.  I did have a full blown kind of temper tantrum at one point in the day - I won't say what happened, but I threw something and it made quite a mess - I don't normally act out my feelings in that way, but I just wasn't in control of it at the time. 

I've been asserting some boundaries in relationships in my life currently - and I've expressed some preferences to one person about what I feel would be beneficial to me moving forward in that particular sphere of my life - it's in relation to my voluntary work, and I've said that there are certain things I don't wish to do anymore, and there are other things I'd like to continue to do, and now I need to wait to hear what the outcome of that negotiation will be.  I should hear next week, as I sent the communication via an E-mail.  I wasn't brave enough to do this face to face.  But at least I communicated how I felt and asked for some flexibility and hope that I will get some kind of reasonable response. 

Hope  :)

Hope,
There are parts inside of me who are wanting to respond to the parts you talked about. I would like to send care to the scared part, but am aware that the part may be too frightened. I will leave it to you if it would be helpful to pass that on.

My 11-year-old has been very angry in the past. She would like to say to the angry part of you, what our T said to her. "There are reasons you are so angry." My part understands throwing things and  bubbling over anger.

Quote from: Hope67 on January 24, 2020, 07:48:22 PM
I've been asserting some boundaries in relationships in my life currently - and I've expressed some preferences to one person about what I feel would be beneficial to me moving forward in that particular sphere of my life - it's in relation to my voluntary work, and I've said that there are certain things I don't wish to do anymore, and there are other things I'd like to continue to do, and now I need to wait to hear what the outcome of that negotiation will be.  I should hear next week, as I sent the communication via an E-mail.  I wasn't brave enough to do this face to face.  But at least I communicated how I felt and asked for some flexibility and hope that I will get some kind of reasonable response. 

Good for you. That is brave. Sometimes wise to communicate via email because you can think through what you want to say and you don't need to give an immediate response.

Dear Notalone,
It means a lot that parts of you want to communicate to parts of me.  Thank you to them.  Thank you to you.  I appreciate the wise words of the T, who spoke to your 11 year old  part who had been very angry in the past.  She said something very wise there, and it helps me to hear it, so thank you.
Hope  :)

28th January 2020
The weekend was quite challenging for me in a few ways, but I am ok, and I got through everything.  It was ok in the end.  I feel ok today. 

I can't seem to write anything though!  I thought I would, and now I'm here, I can't.  Oh well.   I'll leave it till another day, when maybe words will come out and I can express things. 
Hope  :)

They'll come out when they're ready. I'm glad you're ok. :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop  :hug:

***********
28th January 2020
It's happened again - I came here anticipating to write something, and now I'm here, I can't write anything.  But as Snowdrop said, when the words are ready, they will come.  I think my parts are a bit resistant - or maybe they're just not ready to let me express things.  I am just grateful this place is here, because I find it beneficial to read things, and think about things, and process things.  It really helps.
Hope  :)

Hello Hope,

That still happens to me too - wanting to write things and then I just block. The words do come when I'm ready so I'm sure they will for you too. :) :hug:

There are times when I start to write something to post and a part of me is resistant, so I delete. I am learning in therapy to be respectful of those parts and not tell things that they aren't ready to have disclosed.

Thanks Blueberry and Notalone.   :grouphug:
Hope  :)

Hope, I just wanted to offer you a  :hug: if that is okay for you. In part to thank you for all the kind  :hug: you have given me. Just wanted to give one back.

Dear SaB - thank you so much, I appreciate your hug very much, and I'm also really happy to see you again - I wondered how you've been, so will pop over to your Journal and have a look if you've written anything.   :hug:
Hope  :)

4th February 2020
I wanted to write about a dream I had last night, which involved me being allocated some 'foster parents' - except not in the usual sense of that - I was an adult in the dream, the same age as I am now, and I was being allocated parents who 'needed looking after' - they weren't elderly, they were just a bit vulnerable as people, and they'd had to move around a lot - being given places to stay by authorities, and I was trying to explain to them that I understood how that feeling was, the moving around feeling.  They ended up telling me their preferences for Christmas presents!  The kind of aftershave the man liked, and things like that.  It was unexpected to have such a dream.  My partner met them in the dream, and was getting to know them as well.  I told him about the dream - and he said he thought it was interesting that I was having 'foster' parents and not 'adopting them'  and I said that maybe that was to make sure things were right before committing.

When I think about what might have triggered these dreams, I did watch an episode of 'Cold Feet' yesterday - which had themes of relationships with mothers in it, and how one of the characters had a distant and difficult relationship with her mother, and she was trying to re-build it, but it wasn't working.  The other character's mother had died in the programme, and I think all those things must have affected my sleep in some way.  There are other triggers too, but I won't write those here.  Parts of me aren't comfortable for me to share all the triggers. 

Also I tried to get into the Conference yesterday - the one about Trauma, and it had something called Zoom, which is a video link thing, and it scared me - so I'm waiting for the recorded video to be available, and hope to watch it then. 

I wrote something in the forum that received some helpful answers, and I don't know where I put it - I've found it difficult to find it again, but I'll try to find some time and have a good look.  People gave me some helpful answers, and suggestions, and I want to consider those. 

I notice that I lose things, and can't find them, and I really think it's part of me that resists and makes me forget where they are.  I think that part does it on purpose, as it thinks I can't cope, but I'm trying to face things, and I feel like I am strong enough to do so.  I want to find a book by Mary Bratton (not sure if I've remembered her name right or not) - but I have that book, and it is about CSA and I would like to read that book again, and try some of her experiential exercises, as I feel like I could cope with doing that.  But I need to find the book, and it is currently hidden away and out of my memory as to where it is hidden. 

I need to go now, as I've got an appointment I need to get ready for.

Hope  :)

7th February 2020
Interesting to notice that having attended some of the sessions of the Embodying Trauma Conference, I find that there is part of me that seems to get activated and becomes more prominent, and it's like an angry part of myself, and I'm wondering if it's because attending the conference has evoked some sensitive and vulnerable parts of myself, and the angry part is some kind of protector who wants to ensure I don't stay too long focusing on things.  Yet I am thinking that it's better for me to explore in that way, and to get in touch with some of the feelings that are evoked, so I continue to pursue it.

I've felt some challenging feelings and I found one of the talks to be particularly upsetting - it was one I heard today by Raymond Castellino and he talked about peri- and pre-natal stuff, and I found it very upsetting.  But at the same time, I felt it was good to acknowledge those feelings and to express the emotion, and I cried.  It was ok.

I am tired now.  But I feel ok.

I am sure there are things I can use from this conference, and I'm glad that I attended it.  I've been reading a book as well - by Philippa Perry about parenting and I'm writing notes about it as I read it, to help myself to process it, and as I read it - I get strong reactions to things that are written, and comparing my own experience with the descriptions that Philippa writes about.  I feel like it's a helpful book to me at the moment, and what I need to read.  But I'm taking it slowly and processing little by little so as not to over-whelm myself.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on February 04, 2020, 09:04:08 AM
Also I tried to get into the Conference yesterday - the one about Trauma, and it had something called Zoom, which is a video link thing, and it scared me - so I'm waiting for the recorded video to be available, and hope to watch it then. 

I just wanted to say I can really relate. I've watched only the recorded videos on this conference. I've had nothing to do with Zoom. Thank you for being able to feel and write that you're scared. That's my problem too afaik when I can't do something technical or I'm just very reluctant. Then I tend to feel shame and everything gets worse. Your writing about it helps me remember there's no reason to feel shame.  :) :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on February 04, 2020, 09:04:08 AM
I wrote something in the forum that received some helpful answers, and I don't know where I put it - I've found it difficult to find it again, but I'll try to find some time and have a good look.  People gave me some helpful answers, and suggestions, and I want to consider those. 

Did you manage to find them? If not, pm me, I can probably help you. I didn't respond right away with this offer because sometimes when I lose things, there seems to be a reason, as if it's some type of EF and protecting me somehow. Then suddenly I find the thing again despite having already looked in that place 2 or 3 times very thoroughly.  :stars:

Hi Blueberry,
I just want to say how much I appreciate your reply here, and I've read some of your notes that you've taken from the Embodied Trauma Conference as well, and I think you have taken such great notes, and written many helpful things.  You also helped me feel less alone with my difficulty with technology - I experience these difficulties so often - often daily infact, and it frustrates me a lot.  But you're right, there's no reason to feel shame about it, and that is validating to know.  Thank you  :hug:

I have found the post that I did, and you're right in that there is so often a reason when I can't find things, it's like my parts aren't ready for me to look at something - but I did read through the replies today, and will return to them again when I feel less overwhelmed.  I realise I'm still carrying lots of feelings from having watched the Embodied Trauma conference, and also reading a book by Philippa Perry - and there was quite a bit of overlap between those resources, and it was helpful.

I am realising many things - and I hope to write about them, once I can manage to think through and summarise some of my thoughts and feelings about it all.  But I do feel overwhelmed at the present moment, and so I need to perhaps step away a bit, and find ways to orientate myself to chill out a bit in the here and now. 

:hug: to you Blueberry - I also read what you wrote when you were talking with Libby, about sitting watching the Conference and having a cuddly toy to stroke - and I did exactly the same thing - infact I hadn't realised how lovely and soft my cuddly toy was, until doing that - as I've had it next to me but hadn't picked it up to hold or stroke it.  One of the speakers encouraged the exploration of touch and texture, and that had brought me to do that - and then I thought the toy felt like a lovely warm kitten, as if it was a breathing thing.  Amazing to experience that. 

Hope  :)

i haven't been around lately - my mind is pretty bananas at the moment, but i'm glad for you, hope, that you're finding your way thru what is ok for you to do and what isn't at this time.  i totally agree w/ blueberry that there's no shame in not being able to do what others can.  dang, i'm a tech snooze - i ask my d nearly daily to help me w/ something or other on the computer!  so, you're not alone on that one.

glad you found your post,  yeah, all this stuff, i'm convinced, comes in the time when we are ready for it. 

love and hugs, hope. :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you for your love and hugs, and sending some back to you as well  :hug: 
Hope  :)

15th February 2020
I was upset by the news that a famous person was found dead today at the age of 40, and I found out because my computer flashed the message up on the screen.  I'm not sure how I've caused that notification to happen, but it was a shock.  It's not as if I know the person, they were a celebrity (British) and I knew that they had been experiencing some difficulties in relationships, but the news that they have died, it's a shock.

I don't really know why it has affected me so much, so I have come here to write about it.  I tried to access a chatline online, but it freaked me out, it was the 7Cups website and I was trying to talk to the Bot, but then the Bot said a listener was going to come to talk to me, and I didn't want to talk to a real person, I preferred to talk to the Bot - which makes me wonder why I was so fearful to connect to a real person.   

Quite a few deaths have happened in the past week - and they are people who are close to people I know IRL, so maybe I am fearing the fact of death, and not managing to process that very well.  I don't really know. 

I've finished the book by Philippa Perry, and I started reading a book by a survivor of bulimia and eating disorders, and whilst I didn't think I had many issues with eating, except for probably having binge ate quite a bit in my earlier life, and comfort eating now - I was able to relate to some things in the person's past, and things she was saying about dissociating.  She even described how she had looked in a mirror as a child and dissociated to see a girl looking back at her who wasn't felt as the same person as she actually was - and I thought - yes, me too. That happened to me.  I used to stare at my reflection in the mirror, and watch it morph into a slightly different girl than myself.  I think that horror films had got me doing that - but I do remember it.

The Embodied Trauma conference was really interesting, and I did take some notes.  I might share some of them at some point, but I am keen not to over-load myself, as it means re-processing things - that is good in a way, but can also over-whelm me.  There was a woman with red hair who spoke really well - I can't remember who she was now, but she spoke of 'growling' and protecting, and things she said have stayed with me. 

I've been dreaming more at night - and last night I felt as if I'd entered a realm that was significant, but I can't remember the content of what happened, and that feels frustrating to me.  But I really felt as if I was making some progress in the dream. 

I am so glad I came here to write, because I am feeling a bit better.  I had a horrible feeling inside, like a vacant and horrible hole, and just writing these things and getting out some words, I feel calmer. 

Hope  :)

I share your shock and upset about the news as well, Hope. :hug:

It sounds as though you're having lots of insights, and I'm glad you feel better for writing.

Hope, glad you came on OOTS to write. You are not alone.  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop & Notalone,
:hug: :hug: to you both. 
Hope  :)

this celebrity's death seems to have affected a lot of people here.  tragic.

i'm glad you were able to write, hope, and that it helped.  that's often the case w/ me as well.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you  :hug:

****
24th February 2020
Just to say I'm not very well at the moment - nothing really bad, just fluey kind of feelings, bad cold, sore throat, over a few days now, but I think I'm getting a bit better as time goes on.
Hope  :)

I hope you feel better soon, Hope.  I'll bring you a cosy blanket and a hot drink of your choice. :hug:

sending you lovely soup and healing energy, sweetie.  glad you're beginning to feel better.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope you feel better soon, Hope.

Hi Snowdrop, SanMagic and Notalone - thank you so much for your lovely replies, they helped me.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

29th February 2020
I have no idea what I'm going to write now - but I do want to write some things.  I am finally feeling a bit better, probably quite a lot better than I was.  I am so relieved about that.  It had made me feel very uneasy and quite low in mood.  However, during the days that passed, I found that I attended more to the different parts of myself, and in particular got in touch with a part that I hadn't really communicated with previously, and she showed me quite a few things that I hadn't processed before.  I would say it was a darker side that I would normally shy away from acknowledging - and therefore I realise that I wasn't there for that part of myself.  I feel bad about that, and I hope to write some letters 'not to send' to my parts, to try to work through some of the feelings and thoughts connected to that experience, but I don't want to try to describe it here and now, as I feel like it is too hard to process and express.  So I'm writing it here, to remind me of my intention to do that.

I think I've done quite a lot of processing in different ways in the past few weeks - there have been more intense dreams, and yet it's been manageable, because I don't get the old experiences of being out of control and it feels much more manageable - I seem to be taking a more active role within the dreams, and not feeling quite so passive and helpless in them. 

One thing that really surprised me was how a part of myself seemed to be telling me that it would be a very good idea to tear up my book of processing notes that I've done - where I've got lots of diagrams of different times of my life and theories and links that I've made about my past.  It was like she really wanted me to just tear them all up, and that would be a great thing to do.  She made me think that I would feel liberated if I did that.  That everything would be ok.

But I am so glad that I didn't act on that very strong pull, because I can see it's like a pattern or theme where there's a part of me who wants to rub things out, to not see things that happened, to pretend that none of it happened - rather than feel the pain of acknowledging what did happen.  I know I've been coming into contact with some heavy feelings, feels of grief, of anger, of desolation, very deep and dark feelings, but I've been trying to just hold them in my thoughts, and I've been trying to feel compassion for the younger inner parts of myself who have managed to cope with so many different things.

I feel emotional as I write this now - as I can feel the weight of holding things together - that some part of me has managed - with the help of all those inner parts - it's like they've worked together as a massive family, and they're doing their best - and always have done. 

I can't write anymore just now - I am however so glad I've managed to write this, as there's been many times I've wanted to come here and write - and yet I couldn't manage to do so.

I have done today.

Although I've felt much more pain and upset in recent weeks, I would say I feel more alive and I feel more in touch with emotions than I've ever done previously, and that includes some of the positive emotions too - so I feel like that's good progress, and I feel like things are beginning to fall into place - I hope to write more about that next time - or another time - but what felt like a fragmented puzzle before, is now beginning to have more sense of meaning and is becoming a comprehensive narrative that I have more understanding of now.  I feel that.

Hope  :)

You're doing amazing work, Hope. As I read your words, I could feel the progress that you're making. A big Well Done, and I'm glad you're feeling better. :hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on February 29, 2020, 04:15:27 PM
You're doing amazing work, Hope. As I read your words, I could feel the progress that you're making. A big Well Done, and I'm glad you're feeling better. :hug:

:yeahthat: :bighug:

Hi Snowdrop & Blueberry - thank you both so much.   :hug: :hug:

1st March 2020
I'm still recovering from my cold, but I feel like I'm on the mend now, and I feel a lot better in myself.  I was concerned today about trying to meet some other people's expectations, but I've managed to make some decisions that have put my own needs first, and that has been accepted by the other people, and more than that, I think they've understood.  Plus not wanting to be around someone ill as well, which is understandable. 

I was reading something that Woodsgnome wrote in the forum today - and I have made a note of it, as it was something I related to a lot, and which expressed something I would ideally have liked to say myself - so I hope Woodsgnome won't mind my repeating it here - it was:

"We're all doing the impossible, almost literally. I mean there's no hope of changing anything of the old story. Mainly it just can't be understood. And when I allow myself (and ignore the inner critic) to feel that I'm really, really in this new story I've worked so hard to create, then things do seem to get better.

The only sure quality that helps for me is perseverance, and riding with the waves, not fighting them, and definitely self-comforting as much as I can. Sadly, that's not always enough, but at least it's a start to evening things out."

I found that very helpful, and I wanted to remember it in my diary.  I like how Woodsgnome writes of persevering, riding with the waves rather than fighting them, and self-comforting.  A start to even things out.  Very wise. 

Also reading Snowdrop's writing has been so helpful to me in the past few weeks, as she is working with IFS and making progress, and I feel a great sense of positivity about that, as it's helped me to keep exploring trying to befriend and work with my own parts. 

I hope this will last, but at the moment I feel a greater sense of hope about moving forward with things.  Two books that I recently read were very helpful too - they were:
"The Book  Your Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And your Children Will be Glad That You Did)" by Philippa Perry
and
"Wasted: Coming Back from an Addiction to Starvation: A Heart-Rending Memoir" by Marya Hornbacher

Both those books were so helpful to me, in that they spoke of things I related to - family dynamics that resonated with me. 

As I start this new month, I'm hoping that I will be able to get rid of this cold at long last, it's been really getting me down.  But I feel happier to think it's on its way out now, and I am getting better.  I was also finding there's a hypochondriacal part of myself that was worried about the coronavirus, but I have been able to reign those worries in, especially since buying a thermometer to take my termperature!   I have been a normal temperature recently, and that is reassuring.  I don't know what it was like before, but I had worried it might have been higher.

I've been thinking of Deep Blue, as I know she's had Influenza A, and I really hope she and her son are feeling better. 

My inner critic is having a go at me as I write all of this, telling me that I'm lazy for not going over to people's diaries and telling them these things I'm mentioning, but I know if I do that, then I might end up not necessarily writing what I want to write, and therefore whilst I think of it, I'm just writing it here.

Talking of parts of myself, I've also had a part that has been giving me very negative directions and statements - and I'm not going to repeat what that part has said, as it's been quite destructive, but I have been attempting to respond by acknowledging how bad that part must have felt to be wanting to say those things.  That's the part I want to write a letter 'not to send' to - a very destructive part of myself, but I do appreciate why she is feeling and acting that way. 

Glad I wrote this today - I feel actually braver somehow.
Hope  :)

I'm glad my journal's helped you. :hug:

i'm glad you wrote it, too, hope.  and i loved wg's words - they are nearly poetic while describing something horrific.  wise, indeed.

glad you're getting over your cold.  i think that coronavirus has us all on edge nowadays.  i don't know if it has anything to do w/ hypochondria, but it certainly is scary.  i know that i'm much more aware of what i touch when i'm out (i usually keep my gloves on) and using hand sanitizer a lot more often.  there are so many threats out there, it's hard to keep track.

keep going, hope.  sounds like you're doing some really good stuff for yourself.  love and hugs :hug:

Glad you are starting to feel better from your cold. Yay that you are feeling hopeful. Hope, you work so hard at learning, reading, processing. I do not think you are lazy, at all. Thanks for sharing.

Just wanted to pop by and offer a hug, if that's ok?  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, It certainly has - reading your journal and also things that others have written, it's what keeps me going with my own processing and I value it so much.  Even at those times when I'm not able to express myself or write, I often come here and read things, and it really helps.  Thank you  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Yes, I agree that wg's words were nearly poetic, and they resonated with me - wise indeed.  I was thinking about whether my worries had been hypochondriacal, and decided I was being harsh on myself, as I agree with you, it is worrying/concerning.  I appreciate the love and hugs, and send them also to you  :hug:  Here's to keeping going.  I am feeling like that's worth doing at the moment. 

Hi Notalone,
Thank you so much - I am feeling a lot better this morning - so I am so thankful for that.  It had been getting me down quite a bit, the cold, but I'm beginning to feel a lot better - particularly today.   I also appreciate you saying you don't think I'm lazy at all - I do recognise that a lot of that is from my early experience, and my parents ridiculing me on occasions and calling me lazy - using various different descriptors.  So I can see where it comes from, and my inner parts sometimes say it to me. 

Hi Sceal,
I appreciate you popping by and offering a hug, and I gratefully accept that hug and share one back with you, if that's ok  :hug:  I've thought of you quite a bit in the last few days, as I know you've been moving, and I have felt a bit bad that I didn't pop over to your journal to say anything.  I hope you're ok. 

**********
2nd March 2020
I feel ok this morning, so much better than I did last week, and right at this moment, I feel brighter in my mood as well.  I really hope this lasts, because I had felt so down in the dumps the past couple of weeks, it was really getting me down, and taking me to darker places and darker thoughts.  I am embracing this positive feeling today, and holding onto it.
Hope  :)

A hug from you are always welcome!
I am thankful that you have been thinking of me!

So good to hear that you are having a good morning. I really hope that it is a sign for you to get into a better place or period. Fingers and toes crossed!

Dear Sceal, Thank you very much  :hug:  You made me smile when you said 'fingers and toes crossed' -  :)

**********
5th March 2020
I've had quite a few things to deal with this week that have been a bit stressful in some ways, but I'm pleased to say that I was able to sort them out, and that I managed to cope!  I am pleased with that.  However it meant I couldn't focus on things I'd planned to do.  But it's ok. 

Before I forget about it, I wanted to write about the fact that I went back to my wardrobe the other day - to try to find an item of clothing that belonged to my M, and which I have wanted to get rid of, but so far have felt too attached to it (for numerous complicated reasons) - anyway, I then discovered that I've put it in a place where I can't find it anymore!  I had convinced myself that I was going to dispose of it, and that I felt brave enough to do that, but when it came to it, I couldn't find it.  It's as if part of me has hidden it from both view and from my memory as to where it is.  I find that quite interesting, and also feel some sense of frustration about it.  But I don't feel too bad about it - at the same time.

Regarding my attempts to work with my different parts, I know I'm making progress, and checking in with them most days - sometimes more than once a day.  However, I think my process is such that I tend to listen to them, rather than actually communicate with them.  I think I fear what might happen if I ask them something.  I guess I'm keen not to over-whelm myself, and that's why I hold back on actually communicating with them.  Although even as I write that - I think that I 'do' sometimes say things to them - for example if one of them shows me something or enables me to feel an emotion or feeling strongly, then I might recognise that it's fear and then I say to that part how much I am sorry that they have had to feel that intensity of fear.  This contrasts so much with the past, when I would have blended with that fear/feeling, and been scared or fearful of it.  Now I have curiosity and also compassion for it.  That's a major difference, and I'm glad of that.

I've been experiencing more physical symptoms - like some cramping and tension in my lower back, and also pain in my throat area.  I've had a bad cold, and it affected my throat, and it's still there - even though I feel so much better than I did.  I guess my back could be cramping or tense due to the lack of exercise through having rested to try to get rid of the cold, but I am thinking that it's also some communications from parts, and therefore I'm listening to those things and trying to heed the communications.

I feel as if I need to re-read some books - ones that I've read before, and I would like to re-process the books from my new time and space right now - because I feel I'll get more out of them - but I'm not sure which ones I want to focus on.  I have quite a few of them now! 

I also really would like to do some creative Artwork of some sort, but I feel like I have a massive wound relating to trying to do anything creative, and I really want to get over that, and start something.  I've begun to watch videos on u tube to get some ideas, and I am excited by things I've seen.  But something holds me back from even attempting to draw.  I need to try to get over that, and start something.

Hope  :)

hey, hope,

glad you're feeling better.

i agree it's interesting about the M clothing thing.  hmmm . . . wonder what your subconscious had in mind?

i think that you being able to say something to your parts now, instead of blending w/ their feelings is a very big step!   :thumbup:  each thing we do differently is a change, something to learn from, and therefore, progress.  i think you're doing great!  love and hugs! :hug:

It sounds as though you're doing really well, Hope. You're listening to your parts and dealing with them compassionately, and that's great. It comes across that you're so much more your Self.

QuoteI think I fear what might happen if I ask them something.

You can ignore my thoughts if they don't sound right or helpful, but I wonder if the fear is coming from a part that fears what might happen if you ask questions. If this sounds feasible, I wonder if you might be able to be curious about this part, and get to know and befriend it. Just a thought.

I think you're doing brilliantly, Hope. :hug:

Hi SanMagic - thank you - I appreciate your validation as well as the love and hugs  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop - thanks for sharing your thoughts, they are helpful - and I am beginning to make some progress with this - I'm taking it slowly and cautiously, but hope to be able to write about the process after a few days, I hope.  I made a start today - and I'm making notes of thoughts and feelings that are surfacing.   Thanks for the hug too  :hug:

Hope  :)

Hope,

Interesting about the item of clothing. You have a lot of feelings associated with it and those feelings deserve care.

I think you are doing well with your Parts. It is an ongoing learning and growing process.  :hug:

Hi Notalone,
Yes, you're right, there are so many associations with that item of clothing, and I guess that the fact I can't find it now, means that a part of me doesn't want me to throw it out just yet - I need to process the feelings and work through what I want to do, once I've worked it all out.   Thanks for the hug, and for your validation - I appreciate it very much  :hug:

**********
9th March 2020
I found the weekend was busy and there were quite a few things I needed to cope with.  I did cope, but now I recognise that I am needing some time to re-group my thoughts and focus on the week ahead.  I want to remind myself to write about a few things here - as I really want to do that:

Hope to write about the process of befriending the part who doesn't feel comfortable about my asking questions of other parts - I am making some progress on this, but want to write about it here.

Want to write about my dreams, which have been vivid lately

Want to write some 'letters not to send'

Hope  :)

On the weekend, I wrote this (so I wanted to copy and paste it in here to my diary):

"Befriending part that is scared for me to ask questions.

Dear Part that isn't feeling comfortable about my asking questions of other parts:

I've noticed a few things lately – and I really want to get to know you and understand things better.  I hope you'll allow me to maybe talk to you and get to know your thoughts and feelings about things.

I was thinking recently that I've noticed how I have begun to notice and try to communicate with the various parts of me, and how some of them have shown me flashes of memories and feelings and thoughts as a result of that.  I have felt glad to be trusted with those things, and I've felt compassionate and curious about those things, as well as beginning to appreciate some things that different parts have been through.

However, I still feel afraid to ask any of the parts direct questions, and I wonder if there's a part who is concerned about that – and who might not want me to ask them things.  Can I talk to that part today?  Are you there? 

I think I've felt that you're upset already, because what I notice is this:

When I was ill and trying to recover, you allowed some parts that had been ill in the past to contact me, and remind me of things they'd been through in the past, and then when I'm feeling somewhat better, I've felt the need to say that I'm doing better, and coping better.  You seem happy for me to do that, but I am aware that I have also been feeling quite a lot of vulnerable feelings too, and that you're not happy for me to talk about them.  I wonder why you're concerned about my sharing those feelings and I wonder what you think about my wish to communicate with those parts and maybe ask them questions directly. 

I'm going to read back what I've just written, to see what you think, as I know that often I can write things and not realise what you're thinking, and when I re-read something I've written, then you, or other parts might react emotionally – so I'll pause, and re-read this.

.....pausing to re-read...

Whilst I re-read this, I felt as if you'd disappeared.  You weren't around at all.  Maybe you're thinking about this.  I feel calm though – inside, so that's a positive feeling.  Maybe you're ok about me writing that.  Thank you if you are, I value your thoughts and your feelings.

I'll try to write more now.  I do feel a lump in my throat as I sit here – but I've had a sore throat, and maybe it's related to that.  I'm going to make a cup of tea, so we can sit here and think about things, and contemplate this.

....making cup of tea – going to choose something nice and soothing for my throat, maybe add some honey – as some self-care. 

2.30pm
That was the morning, and I drank the tea, and was distracted as my partner  was around, and so I didn't process further.  So need to return to this process another time, when I can do it better and allow sufficient time to process.  "

9th March 2020
So the above was what I wrote over the weekend, in an attempt to start to communicate more directly with the part that doesn't seem happy for me to ask parts direct questions. 

I just wanted to add some thoughts that have come up since then:

I noticed that there was an angry part surfaced quite a lot after I had started that process - and it seemed to blend with me for part of the day, to the extent that I expressed some inpatience with my partner, and he told me 'You change so quickly to anger, it scares me!' - that shocked me, because I felt that my showing anger is something I think I only rarely do, and yet he felt that it came out of nowhere - and it had made him tell me that it scared him.  That worried me a bit.

But at the same time, I don't think he meant it - but of course, I'm not entirely sure, and I tend to take things literally. 

Now my inner critic is having a go at me a bit, so I'll leave this for now, but I am glad that I have put this in my Journal, as I want it to be here - it's the beginning of my processing.

Hope  :)

Hope, I've been reading your journal, though with a slow start (I've been dissociating a lot). I truly admire your desire to befriend your parts, help them grow, and be there for them. I've been kind of toying with the idea of parts, as admitting it is so challenging for most of mine (a very angry part(s) has been putting too much stress on myself and the body).
I just wanted to say that I admire your progress, and it gives hope to me that I will be there too. In any case, I am here for you even when it's hard and will be sending lots of support whenever needed.  :hug:

Hi Marta,
I really appreciate you saying that - and thank you for popping by.  I think I first found out about parts in a book by Janina Fisher, which I found very helpful - and I've more recently been finding Richard Schwartz's writings about IFS (internal family systems) to be really helpful too. 
Be kind to yourself, and pace yourself - and thank you for your support and the hug - I appreciate them very much.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hope, this is brilliant. I'm so impressed with the progress you're making. :hug:

Hi Snowdrop,
I was just thinking about you - thanks for saying that!  It means a lot - and I do think it's going ok so far.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Your communication with your Part(s) was open and tender.

Hi Notalone, Thank you.   :hug: 

**********
12th March 2020
I've had some panicky feelings at night - relating to very vivid dreams and I recognise some health related worries coming into those, and think it's down to parts of me worrying about the Covid-19 stuff.  But I am trying to reassure those parts, and I think it's working a bit, as I had a better sleep last night.  I read some information that I think Notalone had shared - it was about coping with sleep and it was beneficial to read it.

Experiencing quite a bit of tinnitus at the moment.  I had tried to communicate with my GP surgery about some concerns I had, and they haven't got back to me.  I have a difficulty with approaching my health, and so the thought of chasing this up to get a reply worries me, and I am not sure I'll actually do that.  I realise it's probably because they are busy, and they don't realise how hard it was for me to make contact in the first place. 

Part of me wants me to erase that whole paragraph - but I'm going to leave it there because I feel it's ok to write this. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, I think you are not alone with worrying about Covd-19 stuff. Personally, I've just kind of tuned out the whole talk of it because it just would scare me so much if I listened.
I am sorry that it's affecting your dreams though. In any case, I congratulate you for making that step and asking your GP about some of your concerns :) That's a big step :cheer:
Sending you lots of love  :grouphug:

hi, hope,

it was so interesting to read how you talked to your parts, the kinds of things you said.  it's like i was learning how to be kind and caring to others, something i'm not always on the spot with.  like, it takes me a while to ask my d in the morning how she is after she's already asked me and i've answered her, sometimes in a lot of detail.  it's like i don't have that automatic focus on others for their own sake, so reading how you eased into talking to your parts was an education for me.

just out of curiosity, what happened to you when you asked questions?  did people get angry with you for doing so?  it struck me about your part noticing your anger immediately, and getting scared, while you think you rarely get angry.  this rang true to me cuz i was raised not to ask questions, so for most of my adulthood i just accepted what people told me, or did, without asking about it.  it kind of rang a bell with me.

at any rate, i give you all kinds of credit for all that you're doing.  and, i echo marta about the covid-19 stuff.  it's wreaking havoc with the mental well-being of a lot of us.  love and hugs, sweetie. :hug:

Hi Marta,
Thank you for your lovely hug  :grouphug: and for your support.  I appreciate it.  Nobody from my GP surgery has responded at all, so I've sought help from a Pharmacy instead, and they were more helpful - so that's ok, as I am presuming that the GP surgery is probably over-whelmed currently with other things. 

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks for what you said, and also for your hug  :hug:  I also appreciate your question, and I think that my early experience was that questions were NOT encouraged, hence I can understand why it would be difficult for me to question parts of myself now.  It does make sense.  I didn't dare raise questions as a child.  It was too scary to do so.  I think I was conditioned to show emotions that were acceptable to my family, and discouraged from showing other emotions that weren't so acceptable to them.    Love and hugs to you too SanMagic  :hug:

********
12th March 2020
I have just read an article by Vicki Peterson called 'Why No Contact is Essential if You Love Your Abusers' - it's something related to Complex Trauma and is described as Resources for Survivors, and I was glad to read it today, because it really expressed so many things that I feel - and it also helped me to feel ok about my NC with my biological family.  I needed that validation that it's ok, as I must admit that events in the media currently have been making me feel some guilt about being NC, even though I know it's for my own sanity and well-being that I am taking that decision to be NC.
I have put a post up with the link to the article - I wanted to put a link here as well, but seem to have lost the link...  I'll try to pop back with it, as I want to have it in my Journal as well, so I can find it and re-read it - when I need to.  Sometimes I don't find things, when my brain shuts down during EF's. 

Hope  :)

This is the link to the article by Vicki Peterson - 'Why No Contact is Essential if You Love Your Abuser':
https://somethingtosayafterabusecom.com/2020/03/12/why-no-contact-is-essential-if-you-love-your-abuser/
I found this a very validating and helpful article.  She said so many things that I've felt, and she expressed those things so well.
Hope  :)

Hope, thank you for the article. I think caring for yourself is the most important, and being NC with foo is ok and valid. It's true that now more people are talking about this, and even before when I've seen these statements I've kind of felt guilty for my feelings. But I think that taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
Also, what you said about "not asking questions" resonates with me, and I never thought of it to have affected my relationships with my parts, but now maybe it does.

Sending you lots of love and support :hug:

hey, hope,

while i haven't read that article, i've known deep inside that even tho i love my D1, it is absolutely the best thing for me to be NC w/ her.  while it was absolutely the most difficult decision of my life, and i feel the hole in my heart every day where she belongs, i don't dare get in touch with her.  whatever else happens, i can't fix it, won't try anymore.  i'm also NC with my sister, so i've got a family thing happening from 2 different angles.

it really is all about self-care, and that's a necessity for us - we didn't get cared for properly in the past by others, so we're the only ones who can do that for ourselves now.   

one thing i always try to remember is that these people are adults, they've had a lot of time and plenty of opportunities to get the help they need to become better people.  they've chosen not to take advantage of either.  to my mind, this separation is on them.  they pushed me out of their lives by their words and behaviors, made it impossible for me to allow them to interact with me anymore. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ support and compassion for your choice, especially thru these trying times. :hug:

Hi Marta, thank you for what you said.  I also appreciate the love and hugs - thank you  :hug:

Hi SanMagic, yes - self-care is such a necessity for us, I agree with that.  Thank you for the validation and for sharing what you said.   :hug:

**********
16th March 2020
I am finding these times harder - and I know that so many people are experiencing challenges at the moment.  I struggled with quite a few conflicting thoughts and feelings in the past few days, and I also struggled to be able to come here and express anything - I know I was in EF's and waves of EF's, and then things were needing my attention in my life and relationships, and I felt over-whelmed, but I'm doing ok.

Sometimes I've felt like this  :aaauuugh: and sometimes like this  :stars: and sometimes like this  :spooked:

However, right at this moment, I am just glad to be able to be here and write something, and I feel as if I'm not in an EF at this moment, and I feel calmer, so I am pleased about that.   :)

Whilst I am calm, I am hoping to write a few things, so I'll have a go...

*** Potential TW as may mention CSA in this next section, and normally I separate that and put it in the CSA section of this forum, but I feel ok to write it here in Journal today - so that's why I am:

I have been reading a book by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis called 'The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse' and I've been reading this over the past week or so, a little each day.  I normally find it very hard to focus on literature on that subject, and I have typically often lost whatever book I've been reading, or not managed to read it through, but I am managing to cope with reading this one, and have been really finding the things that are written in it to be very .... I can't find a word here, not sure what word is right, but it 'fits' my experiences, and I relate to them so much.  It's been very powerful, but also very emotive too.  I am also finding that I feel a sense of optimism that the book will actually help me.  There are written exercises recommended, but as is typical for me, I like to try to read a book through before attempting experiential exercises, and that's been the case with this one too.  But I do think I will try to do some of the exercises, hopefully once I've read the entire book. 

I'm a bit concerned by the fact that the edition I have of the book is relatively old - I've got a copy that is printed in 2002, so already 18 years old, but it seems to be quite relevant in terms of other things I've read, and doesn't seem outdated to me.  But I do wonder if I should try to get hold of a more up to date copy - not sure how different the current copy would be though.

I have also been listening to an audio CD called 'Behind Closed Doors' by Sue Smethurst which is also about CSA, and that has been really powerful too - I have related to so many things that the person says.  Somehow hearing the words in an audio way (sorry - struggling with some word finding difficulties now) is different, and the only difficulty I have with that is that I like to listen to it without ear-phones, and therefore when my partner isn't around, and he has been around quite a bit in the past few days. 

He had found me in tears a couple of times, when I've been listening to the audio, or reading the book, and he was concerned, but I explained to him that I am doing this because I want to heal - I'm not sure he copes too well with that side of things, but I do need to feel my emotions, and stop controlling them - I've been controlled with my emotions for decades, and so opening up and expressing them now, I see it as some progress.  I am feeling more feelings - in so many ways.  I do think that is positive.

Glad to have had opportunity to write this - and to have been able to write something. 
Hope  :)

I'm glad you were able to write, Hope. :hug:

Hope, I have often been impressed with all the reading you have done and lectures you've listened to. I only have about eight books about CSA and I have only manage to read four in entirety, even that took several attempts.

Quote from: Hope67 on March 16, 2020, 04:54:04 PM
but I do need to feel my emotions, and stop controlling them - I've been controlled with my emotions for decades, and so opening up and expressing them now, I see it as some progress.  I am feeling more feelings - in so many ways.  I do think that is positive.

I would agree that is progress and positive. You are growing and healing, step by step.

Hi Snowdrop - thank you so much  :hug:

Hi Notalone - I am impressed that you've read 4 books in entirety on CSA, as I appreciate how difficult it is to focus.  I know I've read a lot of books, but I wonder whether I really take them in, and for that reason I am glad that I have some that I can re-read, to try to get something more from them on another occasion.  I appreciate your support and comments very much, and want to send you a hug  :hug:

************
19th March 2020
I've been up and down emotionally - with all the worries in the World currently - and trying to keep my various parts as calm as I can, within my Self.  I have noticed new parts that I'd not realised were there.  It's been over-whelming sometimes, but at other times I've been calmer.  So it's been ok.  In some ways I can see how my existing tendencies for hyper-vigilance etc are actually helpful.

Oh, have to go - hope to write more later.
Hope  :)

I've had new parts become activated with all of this as well. I've been using the same strategy as you: calm them down, and stay within my Self as much as possible.

Have you ever tried Bach Rescue Remedy? I find it useful in situations which make me feel :aaauuugh:, so I wondered if it might help you during those times when you feel overwhelmed. Just a thought.

Take care, Hope :hug:

hey, hope,

with all the reading and listening you've been doing on CSA, and the emotions you're allowing and expressing, i'm not surprised you're kind of in roller coaster mode.  i'm glad you're getting your feelings out, tho - i, too, believe it's an important part of the healing process.

i have used Bach Rescue Remedy, like snowdrop suggested, and it's been very effective in calming my nerves, altho i take a double dose than what is talked about.  but, it's truly helped more than any other homeopathic remedy i've tried.

sending love and a hug filled with support for all you're doing. :hug:

Hi Hope,

Richard Schwartz is doing a free webinar on parts being activated at the moment. I thought you'd want to know. I've posted details here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13246.0 (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13246.0)

Thinking of you. :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, thank you so much for that information about Richard Schwartz's talk - I have registered for it - and looking forward to it.  Thinking of you too  :hug:  Thank you for the recommendation of the Bach Flower Remedy too - I have tried it years ago, but wasn't sure if I could feel any difference at all back then, but maybe that was because I was too numbed/dissociated/detached from my feelings - I am wondering if I might find it more helpful these days - as I think I am feeling more things now.  I will hope to get hold of some and try it.  Thank you.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic, I have been feeling better for getting my feelings out - and feeling things more.  This is definitely helping on the healing process, I feel like I'm finally making some progress at the moment.  Although it really does feel like a roller coaster and a half.  Thanks for sending love and a hug of support, I really appreciate it - and sending one back to you  :hug:

**********
22nd March 2020
I must admit I've tried to start this sentence a few times, and I can't allow myself to just write it.  I've changed it a few times, and I can't finish what I want to say - I must just try to 'do it' - today has been triggering at so many levels - but it's the evening now and I'm surviving it!  So that's positive and I am ok.  So that's a good outcome. 

I feel exhausted at the moment - and I'm feeling that. 

I am so grateful that this place is here - I come here and I read things, and I am grateful for the people here, and the support, and the sense of belonging that I feel in relation to people here - which is emotive to feel that - but I wanted to say it.  Feeling very tearful and upset now.  But I'm so glad this is a place I can come to write and say things, even when oftentimes I feel as if I can't actually express myself - and then the words go. 

I wish I could break free from the restrictions that parts of me put on myself - I know that I should be able to speak freely and say things that are meaningful and true, but I feel as if I am still trapped and fearful of sharing any truths.  Speaking my mind, it feels like it's something I shouldn't do.  But I feel I have a right to speak honestly and truly for myself and my spirit and protect all of my parts and currently I am blending with some of them at some points in the day, and with others at other points in the day.

Whilst I think of it, I realise what's triggered me just now - it was the phone ringing, and wondering who it might be, and then I answered it as I saw the number on the phone, and knew it was a 'safe' person rather than an unsafe one - but even then I was catapulted into a social interaction (on the phone) and I wasn't keen to have that tonight.  But I managed it ok, and it was fine.

Note to myself - I need to write about some of the things I've been reading about in the CSA book - it's been really helpful and I feel like I've learned so much.  I have experienced some flashbacks too - which were things that made me realise my experiences were actually 'real' as opposed to something I wasn't sure about - i.e. my capacity to 'believe' that they happened - it's changed.  I need to write and process this, but I know it is hard for me to do that.  But I want to do that.  I hope to do that.

Lots of things have changed this week - so I need to adjust to those things.  It's really caused me a lot of anxiety.  I need to get hold of the Bach Flower Remedy to see if it will help me - maybe it will this time, now that I can 'feel' more.  I've been comfort eating more - but I haven't gone too overboard on that. 

I can feel myself relaxing a bit as I'm sitting here writing this - I felt incredibly tense and upset up to that point, but now it's like a part of me has relaxed and stepped back.  I am so thankful - because I didn't like the feeling.  I feel a bit spaced out though. 

But I am glad to have written here, and it's been beneficial and calming to do that.

Hope  :)

i'm just glad it helped you to write stuff out, hope.  that's wonderful.

with all the new feelings coming out, i think you're changing yourself, not only as a person, but your physical being as well.  i know i don't get sick as often, not nearly as often, as i was before and during my time in mexico.  our immune systems take a hit from all the stress, and i can only imagine that other physical parts do as well.  so, as you're healing, i'll bet that it's more than just your mind.  all this to say i think giving the Bach relief another try may, in fact, be different now.

good luck with it.  i hope it helps.  love and hugs, hope. :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Hi Hope,
I'm sending you so much love right now. What you are doing is amazing, and I know that being open to these past feelings is hard. But accepting that they are there is a step forward, so that's positive.
I've also been going through a rough patch, and being open to my triggers and fearful emotions is just so scary and energy draining. I just feel so vulnerable all the time.
In any case, what you are doing is amazing, and every time you come to this forum, you will have our support with whatever you need to let out or ask. Just so you know you are not alone.

Hey Hope,
I've been reading your entry a few times now, and I keep wanting to have something insightful to say but I don' tknow what to actually say. So instead I just want to say that I'm here, and I'm listening.

Hi SanMagic - I agree with you that things are changing physically too - and I must try to get hold of the Bach remedy, but somehow my memory keeps pushing that to the back of my mind, because I only remember about it when I come back here!  Interesting that I can't keep it as a priority to get it at the moment.  Thanks for the love and hugs, I appreciate them.   :hug:

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much  :hug: :hug: :hug: - I am happy you're around, as I missed you.

Hi Marta - you are very kind to send much love, and thank you for what you said.   :hug:

Hi Sceal - I truly appreciate that you came over, and it means a lot to know you're here and you're listening, and that means a lot.  So thank you.   :hug: 

**********
26th March 2020
I am hoping to do these things soon - Write a letter (not to send) to my Shame - as I know I'm carrying a lot of shame currently, and I need to communicate to that parts that hold/carry that shame, and maybe that will help me to process and understand some of it better, as I'm finding it a very heavy and horrible load to carry.

I have other things I want to do, but that is my priority for the current time, as it Is really tying me up in knots to feel the level of shame I have at the present time.

Maybe I'll write it later, but for now I'm going to drink a cup of tea.
Hope  :)

I feel a lot calmer now than I did earlier - I think I was in a wave of EF that felt blended with a part that felt intense toxic shame, and I felt weighed down by it, and almost felt as if I was going to drown under the weight of it, plus the anxiety that came with that.  I also had a massive pain in my tummy, like being very bloated, and as if I had damaged myself.  I wondered if I was getting some body feelings related to something.  I couldn't pinpoint any reason regarding food or indigestion etc.  Now that I'm calmer, I feel free from stomach pain again, and I am so relieved.  The urge isn't as strong to write the letter to the shame parts, but I think I do need to try to write that letter - as I think those issues will rise again, and I might be blended with them again.  It's been tough, and comes in waves.  But feeling calmer inbetween is a good feeling and I am grateful to have that.
Hope  :)

I know I haven't written much if anything to you recently, but I am aware you are doing hard healing work atm. I'm so glad at least the physical pain in your tummy has gone because that can be very uncomfortable and am also glad that you feel calmer. I'd just like to give you some  :hug: :hug:  :)

glad to hear you're feeling calmer, hope.  i agree w/ you that these things come in waves.  i think one of the difficult decisions i make is when to allow myself time and rest, and when to push myself in order to accomplish something.  i have no doubt that the letter to your shame will come about when you're ready.  love and hugs, hope. :hug:

Hi Blueberry, Thank you  :hug:  I appreciate those hugs, and also your validation too - and my tummy is still ok today, so that's good.

Hi SanMagic, Thanks for the love and hugs, and I like what you said about allowing time and rest, and knowing when to push yourself, I think that's a great way to achieve something.  My letter to my shame doesn't seem so pressing at the moment, and I am being kind to myself today.

Hope  :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 27, 2020, 12:11:27 AM
glad to hear you're feeling calmer, hope.  i agree w/ you that these things come in waves.  i think one of the difficult decisions i make is when to allow myself time and rest, and when to push myself in order to accomplish something.  i have no doubt that the letter to your shame will come about when you're ready.  love and hugs, hope. :hug:

:yeahthat:

Quote from: Hope67 on March 27, 2020, 02:38:17 PM
My letter to my shame doesn't seem so pressing at the moment, and I am being kind to myself today.

Glad to hear that.

I hope your tummy is still okay. When that happens to me I don't know if I'm having a body memory, or if my body is hurting which is triggering. Either way I find it upsetting.

Regarding your shame letter, if it would be helpful; maybe as thoughts come, write down a word or two to remind yourself, without diving into writing the whole thing.

:hug:

Hi Notalone,
:hug: and thank you for what you said.  I've been having a few more body memories these past few days, but I'm not so afraid of them, as I think I understand them as a communication from parts of me that can't communicate any other way.

Got to go now.
Hope  :)

5th April 2020
I am tired and feel exhaustion at some levels, but I hope that I'll sleep ok tonight, and feel more refreshed tomorrow for a new week ahead.  I feel as if I've been processing so many things this past few days, and so I think I need to allow myself a break to not put any expectations on my self or any parts of me - at least for a couple of days, if I can. 
Hope  :)

I hope you get a good night's sleep. I like that your plan is to treat yourself with gentleness and not putting pressure on yourself.  :grouphug:

Hi Hope!

I hope you did get a good nights sleep. It sounds smart to give yourself a break in-between processing things.  Let them sink in further  by giving yourself a break. Pushing too hard will only make it more difficult.

A gentle hug, if it is okay.  :hug:

Hi hope, sending you lots of warmth and comfort.  :hug:
Hope you feel rested, and I hear what you said. Processing takes a lot of energy, and taking a break is valid and needed.
:grouphug:

Hi Notalone, Sceal and Marta,
I appreciate your replies, and thank you very much for them.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

9th April 2020
I don't think I can easily put into words how I've felt over the past few days, but I doing ok.  I have been exhausted and I've tried to not take on too many responsibilities, although that has been challenging, as there have been some things I've needed to do.  But I think I've managed to balance things, and that I have enabled my different parts to feel like I'm still there for them, and listening and heeding whatever they choose to show me. 

I've made some links and realizations, but I am unsure I can write about them just yet - just thinking of that makes me feel as if I just wouldn't know where to start, and then I feel over-whelmed, so I am just allowing myself to not put any pressure on myself, and that takes that pressure off me again. 

I had found some notes I'd written about Richard Schwartz's talk that he did in September 2019 at an online Trauma conference, and I re-read my notes, and found them so helpful, and then I thought - I must write them down in this forum, to help other people, and then I realised I'd already done that - and infact had written up more notes in a section about the Conference, and it amazed me that I'd done that, as I hadn't recalled doing that.  Yes, now I think of it, I realise that I 'did' do that, but when I saw the notes again, I felt as if I would write them up here, and would be doing that for the first time - hence, to realise I've already done it, surprises me.

I finished the book 'The Courage to Heal' - and I found it so helpful.  I need to re-read it, and then work through some things - but I know I've already been processing in my head, and especially at night!

TW - mentioning a flashback in my sleep

I do want to mention an experience I had one night - I literally must have blended with a young part of myself, because I was experiencing some worries that I had a tight feeling in my chest, and I worried in my sleep about the potential of Covid-19 symptoms, and then as I was thinking about this, and really worried, I felt my hand reach out to touch my chest area, and then I was horrified by a massive lump of flesh - and felt some terror that I must have somehow expanded my lungs and chest in my sleep - and then reality hit me of what it was - it was actually my boob.  In my mind, I was a small child with a flat chest and no boobs, and so to have suddenly something much larger and different than what I expected, it was so shocking.  It has taken me about three days to mention that experience to my partner, and now I am writing about it, it feels actually funny to think of it, but at the time, I was shocked!

I've been finding that I am angry and upset about my F's behaviour towards me as a child, and also I have had more flashbacks about that, and am beginning to put some jig-saw pieces together, and really feel appalled by the resulting picture.  It's like I am finally beginning to 'feel' and believe - even though at other times, I find I don't believe it, and feel as if it's not happened at all.  So many aspects of my childhood feel like that - like it was a story, and couldn't really have happened, and yet I know that those things are true and things have happened.  This Covid-19 situation has a similar surreal feel to it, as I think I am dissociating quite often to the realities of things - and it feels very similar to past experiences, as if it's happening, but not really happening.

I feel as if I want to write a letter 'not to send' to my F at the moment, but I'm plucking up the courage to do that.  It's not an easy thing.  But I am grateful that I am feeling some emotions now - and anger and upset is some of those emotions and they are directed towards him now, whereas I couldn't feel that before. 

Hope  :)

I'm just coming back, as I realise that writing that I intend to do a letter expressing my feelings towards my F has caused one of my parts to get distressed and she feels distraught about that, and so I'm trying to comfort her, and I've said that I won't do it yet - but that maybe I can try another day, and maybe it will be helpful to me, and to her, for some expression of those feelings and thoughts.  I feel calmer as I write this.  She seems to have heard me, and feels a bit better.

I also want to say that I've evoked a potential exiled part of me in the past week or so - infact I think there were two of them - one was represented in my mind by a buzzing maze of black dots, i.e. fuzzy around the form, and scary and dark.  The other was a girl who appeared to have been drowned or wet through with water, and her hair was long and wet around her face, so I couldn't see her expression or her face, and she seems to be around me, and present in my daily life, and she's quite depressed and low in her mood.  But I'm trying to be there for her, and be ok with her presence, and then maybe she'll communicate with me and let me know more about how she is feeling and anything else she wants me to know. 

At night, I've noticed being in a labyrinth of dark rooms, and finding that I can move from one to another, and apart from that, I can't really describe what's happened, as I feel that the part of me that rubs things out, doesn't allow me to completely recall those dreams/experiences.  But there's a lot going on in my dreams currently - and also in my thoughts and feelings in my waking life.

I'm currently reading another self-help book about CSA and incest, and I relate to what the person has written, and I find it very helpful as the girl in the book is having therapy with a kind therapist, and I find that I can learn from the things she says, and how they interact, and that is helping me. 

I'm glad I managed to write these things today.  I need to go now, as I feel upset inside again, and I need to calm the different parts of me, and reassure them we're all ok.

Hope  :)

Hope, I can relate to many things that you shared. Sending you and all your Parts (to whom it feels safe) a hug.  :grouphug:

Quote from: Hope67 on April 09, 2020, 05:56:15 PM
I felt my hand reach out to touch my chest area, and then I was horrified by a massive lump of flesh - and felt some terror that I must have somehow expanded my lungs and chest in my sleep - and then reality hit me of what it was - it was actually my boob.  In my mind, I was a small child with a flat chest and no boobs, and so to have suddenly something much larger and different than what I expected, it was so shocking.  It has taken me about three days to mention that experience to my partner, and now I am writing about it, it feels actually funny to think of it, but at the time, I was shocked!

Hope,
I understand it taking you three days to share with your partner. I am hesitant to share my experience, but I think you would understand. There have been times that my Littles are surprised and confused by feeling my breasts, mostly when showering.

Hi Notalone,
It meant a lot to me that you shared your experience about what I'd said - thank you so much - because I feel less alone in experiencing what I did.  When I told my partner about the experience, I know he was a bit shocked by it, and whilst he is caring and considerate to me, I know he can't completely relate to what I experienced, whereas I know that you understand it - as you've experienced that yourself.  So thank you for your validation, and I really am grateful for your support and sharing your experience.   :grouphug:

Hope  :)

Hope, thanks for letting me know that what I wrote made you feel less alone. I have not shared that with anyone before and it was a risk, so I really appreciate your reply. Also, you initially sharing helped me to know that I'm not alone.  :grouphug:

Hi Notalone, Yes, I really did appreciate what you shared, and I know it was a brave thing that you shared it.  Thank you  :hug: 

**********
14th April 2020
I felt better for having written a poem expressing some of my anger and also some of my hope - it was a very cathartic to do that.  I didn't realise how much, until I re-read it, and also things people said in response to it.  Also, I read it to my partner, although I couldn't read the words easily out loud, as it made me very emotional - but he also shared his response to it, and it made me feel validated and I think I feel some sense of release today - although I also have a headache too...

Hope  :)

 :hug: for your progress.  :)

Hi Marta,  Thank you so much, I appreciate that hug  :hug:

*********
16th April 2020
Last night I had dreams that had situations where I was being more adult, and actually being fairly assertive in keeping my boundaries and working some things out - which was interesting - it included some people who seemed to be like ex work colleagues, although the names and the characters weren't exactly the same - things had changed.  But the themes of feeling more in control were present, and that surprised me.

I also feel as if I am more 'adult' and in my 'self' today - I feel different today. 

Hope  :)

This sounds really good, Hope. It's like the progress you're making is working through to a deeper level.  :applause: and  :hug:.

Agree with snowdrop, that is a big step.  :applause: Feels like inside, your self, is changing.

 :yeahthat: - what both of them said.   :thumbup:  so glad you feel more like the adult you, asserting boundaries and all.  i think that's a huge step cuz it's one of the first ones taken away from us when we were young - our boundaries.  you go, hope!  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, Marta and SanMagic - thank you all so much  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

19th April 2020
I've been comfort eating quite a bit - on and off today - I feel a lot of surfacing emotions and feelings, and I guess there's a part of me that wants to bury them, or numb myself, hence turning to the comfort of food.  I really hope that I can tolerate things better tomorrow, and not reach for food as a comfort. 
Hope  :)

that's something i wish nearly every day, hope.  i have to say, tho, that as i'm stabilizing, and realizing some of what's going on, then resolving it, i'm reaching for food less often as a comfort factor.  i believe that as we continue making progress, the food part will get fixed, too.  love and hugs, hope. :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on April 19, 2020, 04:53:36 PM
19th April 2020
I've been comfort eating quite a bit - on and off today - I feel a lot of surfacing emotions and feelings, and I guess there's a part of me that wants to bury them, or numb myself, hence turning to the comfort of food.  I really hope that I can tolerate things better tomorrow, and not reach for food as a comfort. 
Hope  :)

I've been comfort eating a lot, too. Lucky for me, with the pandemic, my comfort eating part is OK with compromising certain treats lol. Other ones, though--well, we're working on it! Here's hoping your part and your Self will find a better balance, too.

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks for sharing your experience and validation - I appreciate it very much.  xxx

Hi kdke,
Thank you for what you said, I appreciate it, and I agree that finding a better balance is the way to go.  I am also working on that.   :)

************
21st April 2020
I've had quite an emotional day, but it's also been a positive day too - so I'm glad for that.  I'm definitely 'feeling' more things, and trying to stay with the emotions, rather than numb or block them out, or distract, and it's been ok to do that. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, wanted to hop on and just send you encouraging hugs, with all of the awareness you have been doing lately. I am glad you're feeling better, and are able to feel your emotions.  :hug:
I've also been comfort eating a lot, so I just wanted to say that you're not alone with this.

Hi Marta,
Thank you so much for your kind and validating words - I appreciate them.   :hug:
Hope  :)

26th April 2020
I'm planning to do some reflecting and maybe some summarising of my progress to date, and hope to write a few notes here in this Journal to describe that, and this is with a view to considering my next Journal and what I'd like to focus on - going forward with that.  So I'll be hoping to jot a few things down here, in the remaining days of April 2020, and then start a new Journal for May 2020.

Writing this intention here, is a good start to this process, as it will hopefully guide myself towards achieving this, and then my new Journal will hopefully be something that will have a direction and a purpose that will help my continued processing and progress.  Already I want to edit this, because it looks clunky, and so whilst I think of this, I want to say to myself - it doesn't matter what I write, I should allow myself to write without inner critics getting concerned about that, and just 'allow' myself to express myself.  It's my Journal afterall - and even as I write this, I feel a part of myself wailing and upset.  I wonder why she is so upset - telling myself it's ok.  We're all ok.

Glad to have a plan and looking forward to reflecting - but will pace it - and just express things here as and when it feels ok.

Hope  :)

I tried to ask the upset part of myself questions about why she felt upset - after writing what I wrote yesterday - and some answers came to mind, which included the fact that I find any kind of transition or ending triggering - and therefore even just talking about ending this Journal to start a new one, and reflecting on progress heralded a transition and an ending/change.  Therefore triggering and upsetting the part of me that dislikes those things.  I also heard her say that she was worried that I might forget or leave her, or not care about her, and I reassured her that she will always be a part of my life - for as long as she wants to be, and that I won't leave her or desert her.  I won't abandon her.  This made parts of me feel some reassurance, and I think she felt better about that. 
Hope  :)

good for you, hope!  i'm glad those parts were reassured. i wouldn't doubt they heard the strength in your voice, the resolve, to always have them with you.  i think you did great!  :thumbup:  love and hugs! :hug:

Beautiful that you asked the part why she was upset and then listened to her and reassured her. Here is a hug for all the parts for whom it feels safe.  :grouphug:

I love the way you listen to your parts, care for them and reassure them. :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Notalone and Snowdrop -  :hug: :hug: :hug:  Thank  you for your comments. 
Hope  :)

29th April 2020
I am feeling quite a bit of anxiety and difficult feelings today, so decided to write here in my journal.  I want to look at some of this, and think about why I'm feeling this way.  I think it's because I put some kind of pressure on myself to summarise or think about this journal and my progress and the processes I've been going through - and I mentioned trying to do that in the remaining days of April, with a view to starting a new journal for May.

But I recognise that parts of me are feeling over-whelmed, and anxious and there's conflict between them about this - so essentially I don't think the parts were all on board for this.  There's resistance there.  And that's ok.

I'm reading the book 'The Courage to Heal' at the moment - for the second time.  I still haven't done any of the experiential writing exercises - and this is a theme - it repeats itself.  I often launch into reading various books, and I get excited that they are going to help me, and I feel that I am making progress by reading them, but essentially I avoid doing the experiential feeling things - at least in any dedicated way.  I find it very hard. 

I'm still in many ways at the door which is all about listening to a lecture on something and intellectualising about it - rather than immersing myself and feeling. 

I already feel as if I'm being harsh on myself, as another part of me says that I AM doing some dipping my toe in the water and feeling things - and that's why I've ended up 'feeling' so much anxiety today. 

The other things that's relevant is that I've been making a change in the past couple of days not to comfort eat - which I know was a defense that I was turning to to numb my emotions and feelings - but I want to stop it, because I've been gaining weight, and I don't like that.  So I've been strict with myself and cut down on my food intake this past couple of days, and consequently I'm 'feeling' things so much more.  It's like the feelings are flooding in and over-whelming me - it's hard.

**Potential Triggers here, as I am mentioning throat constricting and physical pressure, and some flashbacks related to CSA:

As I write this, I feel like there's a part of me that is wailing and constricting my throat area - it's like it puts a hand around my throat.

I've also been getting more flashbacks and thoughts when I have been reading the 'Courage to Heal' book - and some of those have been really disturbing to me - things that make me think that my CSA was a lot more severe and concerning than I thought it had been.  But I don't know if what I've been remembering or thinking about is 'real' or not.  There are also some disturbing gaps at different ages, and I can't fill them in as to what happened.  I'm not brave enough yet to write about these things, because I wonder if my brain is putting things there that might not have happened, but at the same time, I can't help having a gut feeling that they did happen. 

All of these feelings and reactions are validated and normalised in the book - and I am so grateful that I have that book, as I value hearing what survivors of CSA say about their experiences. 

I've also ordered a couple of books that are due to arrive soon - one is about Father-Daughter Incest and it's by Judith Herman and the other is something called 'The Obsidian Mirror' - I'm not sure what the exact title is, or who the writer is, but I know that the writer had made me feel drawn to that book, and so I wanted to read it. 

But I think that ordering those books has scared me a bit..  Scared some parts of me. 

I feel calmer now I've written those things - I'm glad I came here to write, I was getting over-whelmed, but somehow writing it here, it makes me feel better. 

I think I am stronger in myself that I can order those books and face reading those subjects - because for so many years I couldn't look at it, or read about it - I was in denial and unable to recognise what I needed.  But I'm at a different phase of life now, and I feel so eager to look at these things in the face - and to process my emotions and also live life in the here and now. 

I feel stronger for writing this - I am relieved. 

Hope  :)

You are such a fighter! I have such admiration and affection for you.

I strongly related to this portion -

QuoteI'm still in many ways at the door which is all about listening to a lecture on something and intellectualising about it - rather than immersing myself and feeling. 

I feel lately as if all the progress I made in my life, from my 30s on, has been negated. Or that the progress was never even there and I just fooled myself into thinking I was healthier. I've felt very discouraged recently, but this made me feel less alone as it's exactly how I feel rn.

Quote from: Hope67 on April 29, 2020, 10:17:31 AM
I am feeling quite a bit of anxiety and difficult feelings today, so decided to write here in my journal.  I want to look at some of this, and think about why I'm feeling this way.  I think it's because I put some kind of pressure on myself to summarise or think about this journal and my progress and the processes I've been going through - and I mentioned trying to do that in the remaining days of April, with a view to starting a new journal for May.

But I recognise that parts of me are feeling over-whelmed, and anxious and there's conflict between them about this - so essentially I don't think the parts were all on board for this.  There's resistance there.  And that's ok.

Great self-acceptance here!  :cheer: As well as realisations  :applause:

Quote from: Hope67 on April 29, 2020, 10:17:31 AM
I'm reading the book 'The Courage to Heal' at the moment - for the second time.  I still haven't done any of the experiential writing exercises - and this is a theme - it repeats itself.  I often launch into reading various books, and I get excited that they are going to help me, and I feel that I am making progress by reading them, but essentially I avoid doing the experiential feeling things - at least in any dedicated way.  I find it very hard. 

This sounds very familiar, except it's not with reading for me. It's more that I do something in therapy with my T and feel how useful it is but then I don't do the exercise at home as much as I could / 'should' or even want to because  ???

Quote from: Hope67 on April 29, 2020, 10:17:31 AM
another part of me says that I AM doing some dipping my toe in the water and feeling things - and that's why I've ended up 'feeling' so much anxiety today. 

:yeahthat:  :thumbup: :applause: :hug:

Good on you for feeling stronger and relieved after writing!  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on April 29, 2020, 10:17:31 AM
But I don't know if what I've been remembering or thinking about is 'real' or not.  There are also some disturbing gaps at different ages, and I can't fill them in as to what happened.  I'm not brave enough yet to write about these things, because I wonder if my brain is putting things there that might not have happened, but at the same time, I can't help having a gut feeling that they did happen. 

I sometimes (maybe often) doubt my memories. My T said that is very common. It is frustrating and difficult. I find it to be a bit crazy-making.

hey, hope,

i know you read a lot of books, and with each one you talk about how much you've gotten out of it.  is it possible that you can see that as progress?  even the fact that you're scared after ordering these next books tells me that you are pushing yourself to look at issues in a new way.  putting a toe in - to me that means you are testing the waters.  these are uncomfortable waters, and i think it's very sensible to test them first.  let yourself get comfortable with what you're doing - let the water you're testing feel comfortable - and eventually you can immerse more of yourself - like doing the exercises available.

if we jump into the water before we're ready, we can easily get overwhelmed, be in over our heads.  if what you're doing continues to be helpful, i think it's wise to keep doing it.  please, be patient with yourself - this is your recovery, so you get to determine the pace and amount.  when you're ready, you'll get in a little deeper.  it sounds like it's not quite time for that yet, which is ok.  love and hugs, hope.  you're doing great. :hug:

 :yeahthat:

And those gut feelings? I now trust my gut feelings when it's memories or even far-away slivers of memory. ime guts don't imagine things or get 'creative'. Even my mind doesn't imagine memories but it has sometimes given me metaphorical pictures, but even with those my gut feeling was: that didn't happen, it's a metaphor for emotional abuse. So I think we can trust our gut feelings on traumatic memories.  :hug:

Thinking of you, lovely Hope. I'm glad you felt calmer and stronger for writing. I'm always in awe of your strength and courage. :hug:

7th May 2020
I appreciate so much everything that people have said in my journal recently - thank you all  :grouphug:

I've been experiencing what I can only describe as a longer term EF or series of them in the past few days - hence I've not been able to write much here - whenever I've come here to try to do so, I've not been able to.  But I feel like I'm out of the EF cycle just now - and therefore maybe I'll be able to write something in the next days.  My plan had been to complete this journal and start a new one - but I know I still need to do some written reflection before deciding on the title and focus of the new journal, and I'm not ready yet - so I'll just stick to starting it when I feel the time is right.

In the meantime, I am so grateful to everyone here, because I appreciate the support and this community is a life-saver for me, and all my parts.

Hope  :)

Not pressuring yourself and waiting until the time feels right sounds like a good way to be kind to yourself.  :thumbup:

Thanks Notalone, I am focusing on pacing myself and not putting on too much pressure.   :)

8th May 2020
Just wanted to write about a couple of dreams I've had - so I remember the themes - one was involving my asserting myself to my M and letting her know that I didn't feel comfortable with her treatment of me - which would have been a rare thing to have happened (i.e. for me to dare to challenge her in anyway), and during the dream I ended up physically trying to squash her neck and head in a big bin (so it was very physical and unexpected as an outcome).  I am not a physically aggressive person, not at all, so this isn't something I would consider doing in real life, but clearly my dreams were affected quite a bit.

The other dream (last night) involved me treading on land where it wasn't safe to walk without potentially falling through some kind of boggy ravine - but I was doing my best to tread carefully and stay safe. 

Not sure what these dreams mean, but the first one about my M makes me think that for once I actually was doing something to challenge her, and clearly some anger had surfaced within that.

Whilst I'm feeling brave enough right now to write something - I also want to say that having the book called 'Father-Daughter Incest' by Judith Herman caused me to have a lot of anxiety - especially whilst waiting for it to arrive, and then when it had arrived I opened it and looked at it, and then put it back in the packing and couldn't start reading it for a few days - and quite a few feelings surfaced relating to that - which included quite a lot of shame and disgust at myself - so I felt like I was getting in touch with a part of myself that had felt repressed and shut away.  But I managed to start reading the book, and then more feelings came to me - this time of shock that literature and past scholars who've studied incest have been so judgemental about it in terms of their descriptions - and I was so grateful to Judith Herman for writing a book that brings literature together and looks at the subject in a less judgemental way - so I am glad to be reading it, and think it will be positive for me.

As part of my reflecting on things, I've noticed that there are definitely quite a few areas of my life that I tend to avoid focusing on - I realise I have traumas relating to my work history - and things that happened there, which I know would be helpful to talk through with someone at some point, but which I feel trapped and unable to address. There are reasons for that - it's a complicated situation.   But this also makes me think that a repeating pattern is evident relating to it - in that I was silenced as a child, and had to live with lots of lies told to me by the people who were supposed to be my care-givers, and I think that my work situation became  repetition of that - I was ending up being silenced even when I felt brave enough to speak up about something - and now I've basically lost my whole career.  But I could re-frame it and say I chose to walk away from it in the end, because I did choose that road.  But now, I find it harder to find my role and path in life currently - although I'm beginning to consider things I want to focus on and that I think could potentially be something that could be lucrative in terms of a future employment possibility.

I feel like I'm waffling a bit now, but I do feel more hopeful in some ways.

I keep telling myself that this is the 2020's and there's every reason to think that this decade will get better - as I am free now.  I am working through my emotions and trying to nurture and befriend the various parts of me.  Doing this at a pace that feels ok - although it's tough sometimes, and I fear being over-whelmed, but I then actively step-back a bit, and give myself space.

I wrote more than I thought I would today - and I'm glad I did.
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on May 08, 2020, 11:57:31 AM
I keep telling myself that this is the 2020's and there's every reason to think that this decade will get better - as I am free now.  I am working through my emotions and trying to nurture and befriend the various parts of me.  Doing this at a pace that feels ok - although it's tough sometimes, and I fear being over-whelmed, but I then actively step-back a bit, and give myself space.

:bighug:

Thanks so much Notalone -  :hug:

***********
11th May 2020
I have finished reading the book about Father-Daughter Incest, and I feel quite heavy with emotions from reading it, and there's a large part of me that feels 'heavy' as a result.  But, I am glad I read it, because it has helped me.  I have been getting a lot of flashbacks to situations and events relating to my FOO, and I related to lots of things that were written in that book.

I need to give myself some space and time to just let things sink in, and allow myself to process further - but without burrowing any deeper into any further information - I won't read the next book I've got ('The Obsidian Mirror') for a while - but another part of me wants me to start it very soon.  It's like I've got a thirst to read things - but I really want to give myself space. 

I've been triggered quite a bit by stuff relating to the pandemic as well recently - and trying to handle those emotions and feelings. 

I've been comfort eating too.  I had stopped myself for a while, but it's too hard to stick to - but I'll try again this week and see how I get on at achieving a better balance.

Trigger warning - mentioning suicidal ideation, but nothing that I would act on, purely thoughts
I did get in touch with a more self-attacking part of myself who was very keen that I should hurt or harm myself, and threw out suicidal kind of thoughts - as suggestions to me, but I didn't heed them, apart from acknowledging that I know that part of me is there, and that I am so sorry that she feels that way - but I attempted to tell her (as my 'self') that I would be there, and protect and help her through this. 

I've recognised more parts of myself that hold onto some really negative views - like disgust, like feeling different and apart and I was relieved to see that the book described so many aspects of those things that made sense - and that they were ways that people who've experienced incest (covert and overt incest).

I feel like I want to write so much more, but I feel like I would get tangled up and mixed up with my writing - so I won't try to put it in words. 

I've recognised that I've been projecting some anger onto other people in my life, in the here and now, rather than placing those feelings where they belong - which is in relation to FOO - my partner pointed that out to me - thankfully I wasn't projecting them onto him, but he did point out I'd been blaming someone we both know, and he wondered if my negativity towards that person was valid, and whether it originated from my FOO and issues relating to them rather than to the person - and I admitted that he was most likely right about that.

It's given me plenty to think about - and I want to change that dynamic - it's not fair of me to project stuff onto someone who doesn't deserve those feelings projected on them.  I don't think they would have noticed, but he said they might pick up the feelings of hostility - so I am going to be mindful of this.

Hope  :)

I'm always impressed with your insight and courage.  :hug: it's so nice you have a partner who is supportive and will point things out like that.

Thanks Three Roses, I am also grateful to have such an empathic and understanding partner.    Very supportive. 
:hug: to you as well.  You are someone whose support and understanding  I appreciate very much too.
Hope  :)

12th May 2020
Trying to think of a new name for my next journal - and hoping to start it in the next day or so. 
Hope  :)

14th May 2020
I've started reading the book 'The Obsidian Mirror: An Adult Healing from Sexual Abuse' by Louise M Wisechild, and I find it is an incredibly powerful book, in that it has really put me in touch with some very strong emotions and some flashback memories - I relate to so many things that she says, and I know it's going to be a helpful book - but it is going to take a lot of my energies up to read it - as it is so powerful and resonating to me.

I have been dreaming more this past few days - so I think I'm processing so many more things, and they are spilling over into my dreams.

Still thinking about a name for my new journal, and hope to start that before May is over.  But I know there's no pressure to do anything, so that's ok. 

Hope  :)

i agree, hope - it's ok to start your journal, start a book, read through a book, write what you want when you want, even if you want in your journal.  it's all ok.  this stuff can be very difficult to face, let alone work through.  i believe we've done a great job from the start just by still being here. 

i echo what 3r said, and give you so much credit for your continuing progress.  with you all the way, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope67,

It seems like you're perhaps in a state of flow about your progress on this zig-zag course we call recovery.

I'll try and explain that. Picture moving down a river, and getting into a critical jam; you cling to a rock, too scared of what's been happening. Yet you decide you have to move away from the rock. So you risk letting go, staying alert to the process, or the flow, that can best move you along, while staying safe; you realized you wanted to move further along at some point. Even if the rock seemed safe, you were still stuck.

Personally, I've always said to myself that my highest goal was to find peace with my life. But as time passed, I also realized that this sounded nice, but I was still the same -- like I was holding on desperately to that rock, afraid to move. Until I let go, and discovered that maybe there were other options if I at least dared to investigate the river's flow. The key, though, was to assess how I could move on and still feel safe, or risk losing that precious peace I was still searching for. The flow still had its twists and turns, but it was getting me past being stuck with that rock.

So I'm not offering advice, just making an observation of how I read your incredibly honest and soul-searching reflections as you continue your own journey of peace, and find the flow that your heart is steering you towards.

I hope that's alright -- as I hope this expression of support is ~~~~~  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you said - it means a lot to have such support and validation - and I value it so much.   :hug: and thank you for the love and hugs, and sending them also to you. 

Hi woodsgnome,
Thank you so much for your support and hug, and sending one for you also  :hug:  I found your description of the flow down the river to be really apt and my mind was able to visualise it strongly, and I related to it very much.  I have been thinking in terms of being in a 'waiting room' where I'm afraid to go out to see what I'm waiting for, but I really like the thought of being in a river flowing past rocks because it's hopeful that there will be a wide open sea at the end of that river, where I might find a new horizon that will be exciting and bring new insights.  Nicer to be out in nature, than cooped up in a waiting room.

Or maybe I'll find a tranquil pool rather than the sea - I don't know.  But the thing is that I'm feeling safe enough to explore these things currently, and I very much put that down to having a safe support place - here in this forum - with caring and supportive friends I've made along the way.  I wanted to list them all here, but I know that's not essential to do - they all mean something to me, and I appreciate everyone's support. 

Anyway, thank you for sharing your observation, as it is really helpful to me.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I am sorry I haven't been able to follow your journey these past few months. But I just wanted to come by and let you know I think about you from time to time, and that if it's okay, I'd like to give you a hug. :)  :hug:

Dear Hope, It's similar for me. I do read your Journal on and off but often I don't have the energy to reply or even send you some hugs.

I think it's huge what you are managing in recovery. You don't have a T to support you and you keep on going - all these brave steps looking at things, memories coming up, dreams and nightmares. Then you also seem quite firmly planted irl too, e.g. with your partner or just getting on with things irl.

What you wrote a few days ago about showing aggression to your M in a dream resonated with me. I've had dreams like that twice now where I did something physically aggressive to someone or to something that I would never do irl but in the dream it was cathartic and once I got over the shock of having done it and wrote about it on here, I didn't feel bad about it anymore. That's what your dream reminded me of. I hope it is healing for you too.  :hug: :grouphug:

Hi Sceal - Thank you so much for coming by - and I appreciate the hug very much  :hug:

Hi Blueberry - When you said that you think it's huge what I am managing in recovery - it really helped me, because I'd not really thought of 'managing in recovery' and I like that way of looking at it.  The word 'recovery' is a word I like as well - it would be good to feel on the road towards some recovery, and I do feel I am on that path.

I had been watching a programme called 'Killing Eve' which is about a psychopathic killer called Villeneuve (might not have spelled her name correctly) and it was the same night that I dreamed those aggressive themes in my dream about my M - so I feel sure that the programme influenced me, and I don't feel bad about the content - like you said, writing about it and processing it here makes it somehow not so shocking - so yes, I did find it healing.  Thank you for validating those things - and I appreciate the hug and support  :hug:

Hope  :)

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much  :hug:  I always appreciate your hugs very much. 

Potential Trigger Warnings with this entry, as I feel sure I'll mention some things that could be triggering - related to CSA, and I'm not sure what I'm going to say, but wanted to put a warning, just incase.

20th May 2020
I have been experiencing a lot of angst within myself - I've been going through that for the last couple of days, and it's like waves of turmoil, and conflict between parts of me.  I felt my anxiety rising in the last hour, so I came here to write and try to get it out.  I already feel slightly calmer as I saw a couple of things people here had shared, and just reacting to that broke my train of anxiety for a bit.

Something that Notalone wrote - somewhere else - about how parts for her become active at night - that resonated with me, as I feel that happens too - and I'm not in control of what they do at night, and often in the morning I feel an intense overhang of whatever emotion they've left me with.

I've also been noticing that there's a part that 'rubs out memories' and ironically whilst I've been reading the couple of books on incest (a topic I have previously never been able to bring myself to read, as I've been avoidant of it) - but the effect seems to be that whilst I relate to so many things that the people say in the books, and it makes so much sense and I relate so much - I've also managed to 'forget' sexual things related to past partners I've had, which I would normally have been able to remember.  So now I can't remember things - things that I think I should be able to remember.  It's as if that part of me wants to erase any memories of anything sexual somehow.  I wonder if this happens much to people generally - having a part that 'rubs things out'.

I'm feeling as if it's a good thing that my brain worked that way in childhood, so that I couldn't recall things, and dissociated off - because I know the terror and fright feelings that I can feel sometimes, and they are scary and I wonder what's related to them, but am I keen to find out for certain, I'm not so sure anymore.  The fact is that I've got through those times, and whilst I'm left with resulting thoughts and feelings, I'm ok.

At this point, my mind has gone blank - so I'll write about other things that have impacted on me today.

I've been hugely triggered today by things that have happened with online interactions I've had when trying to communicate with someone - and I've felt judged by them in a major way, and it's made me feel very small inside and as if there's an adolescent part of me that wants to fight back, and tell that person what I think, but I'm aware that I might lose my temper and say something I would regret.  So I've not responded at all - and I feel as if I've been frightened into a submission and am unable to speak.

Whenever I've been handling a knife in the kitchen today - there's a part of me that tells me I could just plunge the knife into my stomach - I know I wouldn't act on this suggestion, but I often get that sort of subliminal message from some part of me that wants to harm me.  I had a memory of when I was a teenager and I wanted to kill myself - but in a very dramatic way - with spikes through my stomach from a railing - I realise this is bizarre, but it's like the Tarot card of lots of swords in the back of someone, except that they are through my stomach, and I wonder what message that is - from which part, and why.

My computer just took an accidental screen saver of this page, and has stored it on my drive, and I wonder - will someone somehow get to see what I wrote (i.e. someone irl who would then think I was crazy) - that's a part of me that dislikes when I am more open about my parts and my thoughts and my feelings, and she doesn't want me to express things like this.

I feel there's a very panicky and distraught part of myself, and I try to comfort her. 

I related to something Blueberry had been saying about having things she wanted to do, things she wanted to tidy etc, and trying to grapple with those things, and I thought - I relate so much to that, I feel like I'm forever faced with trying to sort out various things, and tidy things, and clear things up, but I never feel like I make much progress with those things.  I admire Blueberry as she does tackle things, but speaks of how she struggles with them sometimes, and I relate to that very much.

I've wanted to say things to others in their diaries and posts - but I've not felt able to express myself - and often I feel as if when I see people interacting, that somehow they're 'grown-ups' and I'm too young to cope with interacting there - which makes me wonder at those times whether I'm blended with younger parts too much. 

I don't think I've got dissociative identity disorder, but then I wonder - because I do blend sometimes, and currently - this past couple of days, I feel overwhelmed by parts - but I think that reading the books about Incest have evoked a strong part/s of me that have been dormant for a while, and they are awoken by the fact I've been facing these issues, rather than being too frightened before and avoiding them.

I have to face something tomorrow that is stressing me out - and I have also been finding a relationship with my partner's relative to be stressful too - she had mentioned to him that I was part of 'their family' now, and that freaked me out, because I felt as if they were trying to 'stifle' and 'take me over' - and I want to be free - I'm estranged from my FOO, and I don't want to be 'owned' by another family unit.

Anyway, I can't write more just now, as my partner is around and wants me to chat with him.  So I'm going to go now.

Hope  :)

It's interesting that you have a part that rubs out memories. I have missing memories too, and I've found that they are often held by parts who have been exiled by protectors. I wonder if these protectors are also trying to run out memories.

I hope it goes ok tomorrow. Thinking of you, and sending much love and hugs. :hug:

I read all your post, Hope.

** TW violence **
I can relate to your knife incident. I used to see pictures in my mind of me using the knife on my fingers when chopping vegetables. Like you, I never would have done any of these things that appeared before my mind's eye, but it still wasn't very pleasant, putting it mildly. It doesn't seem to happen anymore. I think maybe because of general trauma healing that's been going on over the past couple of years. Some symptoms are reduced or have stopped altogether.

** End TW **

Thank you for your comments on me. I really don't feel as if I achieve much. Among other things it looks as if somebody emptied a whole bunch of bags all over my apartment - papers and books and who knows what lying around all over the place. And there's a constant list of things to do. That can make me feel overwhelmed, often. It helps me to know that you relate so I'm not alone in this.

I wish you all the best for the situation tomorrow.  :grouphug:

I also can relate to your knife incident. I haven't experienced it in a long time, but have had those type of thoughts in the past when working in the kitchen with a knife.

Regarding the comment by your partner's relative, I hear that you felt freaked out because of not wanting to be "taken over." I hope the comment was meant in the spirit of love and welcome, not oppression.

:grouphug:

Hi Hope! I hope you've been doing alright recently. I read your last post, and I can understand how those things are upsetting. Social interaction can be really difficult when we are so stressed from the things we've had to face. I can relate to some of what you have written as well, especially the disturbing thoughts in the kitchen. I have struggled with that for a long time. It really bothers me that I have such thoughts in the first place.

I also have difficulty sharing on here. Sometimes I feel like I don't really fit in, or just lack the social skills to properly connect. Sometimes I get worried that someone I know personally might find out who I am here. I think that's pretty common though, so I do my best to push those thoughts aside and just post anyway.

Overall, it sounds like you've been pushing yourself to deal with more. It's great that you're continuing to grow and heal. It can be really difficult to find the right pace, but I hope it goes well for you as time goes on. All the best! :)

Hi Snowdrop - thank you so much for the hug, and for sharing what you said about the protector parts holding onto memories of exiled parts - this was very meaningful to me, and makes sense.   :hug:  Even as I write that, I see that I've written it differently to what you said, and so I need to think more about this, as it's got many meanings within it, and I need to look at them.  However often my parts aren't distinct, they are blurry and hard to differentiate.  I need to explore more my concepts and understandings of them, and make sense of them. 

Hi Blueberry - **TW responding to your comments about violence and the knife **  Thank you so much for mentioning your experiences relating to the knife incident - I found it interesting that my own earlier experience was similar - it used to be around knives when chopping veggies and involved fear of cutting my fingers - and indeed I did 'accidentally' cut into my finger once when I was a child.  It's been interesting and disturbing to me how this has subsequently morphed into the flashes of considering the knife thrust into the body (stomach area), and I do wonder what that is about for me.  I am glad to hear that some of your symptoms have reduced and indeed that some have stopped altogether - that is very positive.  **End TW**

Blueberry - I also feel as if someone has tipped lots of stuff all over the floor in my living spaces - I was tidying things yesterday - so it's looking better today, but yesterday I felt over-whelmed by it!   It really does help me to know I'm not alone in that - thank you for sharing your experiences.   :hug:

Hi Jazzy - Thank you so much for your supportive comments here in my Journal - I really appreciate that you shared your thoughts on the disturbing thoughts in the kitchen as well - as I struggle with having those thoughts, but I do acknowledge that many people have disturbing thoughts, and rarely act on them, so I'm hopeful I won't act on my disturbing thoughts. 

Jazzy, you mentioned that you also have difficulty sharing on here - I'm glad that you push through those thoughts and set them aside, as I really am glad you're around.  I'm glad you post, because I've valued what you say, and thank you for taking the time to comment and reply here. 

25th May 2020
So, I have had a difficult few days, with what I can only describe as more surfacing - and facing parts of myself which had potentially been exiled before, and are beginning to make themselves known to me.  But it feels hard to describe them, and it seems like a bit of a foggy soup of feelings and thoughts, so I am going to try to get clarity and work through these things, and make some sense of them.

But it's a long weekend here at the moment, and the sun is shining, and I know that I might have a bit more time available this afternoon to think about things, as there isn't any pressure on me now to do anything social - or with any people expecting things of me, and that feels like a good space to be able to allow some contemplation.  Last week I felt over-whelmed by so many things.

I've got a children's book to read this afternoon - 'The Secret Garden' - I'm looking forward to reading it.  So maybe that's what I'll be doing. 

Hope  :)

hey, hope,

i'm not surprised you've got stuff surfacing and are feeling generally overwhelmed at times.  you mentioned reading incest books, something you haven't done before, and i wouldn't doubt that's bringing a lot of activity to your mind, which can feel overwhelming all by itself.  i hope you can take it a little easy on yourself, maybe take a bit of a break from reading, let your mind settle, and maybe you can get some energy back, feel less stressed.

sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion - i know those knife thoughts, too. :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks, it makes sense that I need some respite after reading those books about incest - I read them quite quickly, and it has definitely caused a big reaction within me, in relation to different parts.  Thanks so much for the lovely hug, and thank you for what you said about the knife thoughts - realising that so many people relate to that here really helps me feel it's not so unusual as I had believed it to be before.  Thanks  :hug:

Hi Notalone,
I realise I didn't reply to what you wrote - and I wanted to say that I very much appreciate what you said about the knife thoughts, it has helped me to hear others say they have similar thoughts - I had felt more alone in that previously, and had worried about it.  I feel much less alone in it now, and find it easier to cope with. 

Also, Notalone, thank you for what you said about the person commenting about family - I am not sure what the person's meaning is - and I don't know how much they meant their comment in a positive way, or whether there might have been some manipulation and potential oppression/pressure within it - and I don't know how much I perhaps put my angst regarding my own FOO onto other relationships sometimes - sometimes it's hard to separate these things, and work out what feeling comes from where and whom.

I hate how I start off writing and then feel tied up with the words - but I hope you know what I meant by what I said...

25th May 2020
I managed to read a little of 'The Secret Garden' today - but only a few pages, and didn't feel able to concentrate properly on it.  It seemed quite a dark book - didn't realise it was about cholera deaths causing the young heroine of the book to be orphaned - I've seen the film of 'The Secret Garden' and didn't notice that part.  What interests me about this is that in this book, and in 'The Little Princess' by Frances Hodgson Burnett - there's similar themes - the children in those tales are quite lonely and oppressed and sad in some way, but seem to have a feeling that they are 'special' at the same time, and I really relate to that kind of mixed feeling within myself as a child.  Lonely, misunderstood, oppressed and yet feeling that sometimes I was given gifts and treated as being special. 

I have had a headache for the past 3 days - it comes and goes, but it's there, and it feels like a migraine kind of feeling on the left-hand side of my head - I hope it goes away soon.  I feel like it's a much younger part of me that physically hurts - and hurts my head - I've felt it before, and I realise I've probably pushed myself too much, in terms of looking at issues that I've previously avoided, but I do feel the time was right to read more about those issues, and I'm glad that I did. 

But I'm going to try to rest more and take a bit of a break from reading heavy literature for a few days - and so that's my plan at this point.
Hope  :)

Yay, for healing and breaks and breaks from healing!  :yes:❤️

What you said makes sense.

I like "The Secret Garden," but it does have some parts that could be disturbing.

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much  :hug:  I feel free for deciding to take a break from reading heavy literature - it feels like I'm on a holiday today - although I have been trying to stop myself from reading news items, which are heavy in a different way. 

Hi Notalone - yes, I think there are heavy parts in that book 'The Secret Garden' as well - but I know I like the story - and the freedom of escaping into the Secret Garden itself, so I'm hoping it will be like that when I read it.   :hug: to you.

26th May 2020
I have noticed that a lovely member of the forum whom I like a lot (Sceal) is going to be leaving - and I am not good with 'Goodbyes' as it's triggering for me, but I will hope to write something to Sceal in the next few days, as I want to say how much I wish her well for the future, and how much I've appreciated and valued everything she's done.  She's been so supportive to me during the time I've been here - which is a long while now!  For some reason I can write this, here in my diary, but the thought of saying it directly to her, makes me scared to say the wrong thing, or there'll be part of me that will feel distraught - as Goodbyes and transitions are triggering for me.

My headache is better today - I am relieved.  It hurt a lot the last three days - it wasn't there all the time, but it was around quite a lot.  But today my head feels better. 

Hope  :)

So I'm reading 'The Secret Garden' and two parts really resonate with me, from the perspective of the young orphaned girl - and I wanted to quote them, to remember them "...she had begun to feel lonely and to think queer thoughts which were new to her.  She had begun to wonder why she had never seemed to belong to anyone even when her father and mother had been alive.  Other children seemed to belong to their fathers and mothers, but she had never seemed to really be anyone's little girl... no one had taken any notice of her."  and then another section which is "She frowned because she remembered that her father and mother had never talked to her about anything in particular.  Certainly they had never told her things."
I imagine how this must have felt to me, when I was Little Hope, and the fact that this character in the book I liked was similar to myself - in terms of feeling lonely and isolated and having no feeling of bonding with her parents - really like they just didn't care about her/me.
Hope  :)

Hope, I wish I could say something that would ease that terrible loneliness. You are cared for.  :hug:❤️ :hug: You're always so supportive of others - I hope you can feel my support in return.

Hey Hope, I've been wanting to add to what others have said for sometime. The Secret Garden used to be my favorite movie, and I used to replay the whole "garden" thing wherever I stayed when I was little. It was something where I used my imagination outside.

Sending you much love to you and your parts :hug: As 3R said, I wish I could say something to Little Hope and the isolation that she felt and was in. I really do. But all I can give is a gentle hug, and a blanket (if it's ok).

Hi Hope. I'm glad your head is feeling better now. I find it interesting that it improved when you stopped the heavy reading. Maybe it is a physical sign of too much stress.

I just want to say that I am sure sceal will be understanding about how difficult it can be to say goodbye. I'm sure you will do your best and it will be fine!

All the best!

Hi Three Roses - your care and compassion really touched me - thank you.  I realise that in reading and empathising with the lonely orphaned girl in the book, that I am connecting with that part of myself that was lonely and isolated in my early childhood, and I have been reminding myself that people do care about her, and therefore people do care about me.  That is helping me in my attempts to re-parent myself and bring all my parts along to know they are all valued.  Thank you  :hug:

Hi Marta - thank you for sharing your experience of 'The Secret Garden' and I related to what you said.  I also appreciate the love and the hug  :hug: and Little Hope likes the blanket and the gentle hug.

Hi Jazzy - Yes, my head is feeling much better now.  I think you could be right about it being a physical sign of too much stress - I had been overdoing things on the reading front.  I did manage to write what I wanted to write to Sceal, and thank you for your supportive comment about that. 

29th May 2020
I feel ready to start my new Journal - but still haven't quite decided on the title of it, so once I manage to find something that I like, I will start it.  I feel like I've made a few 'realisations' this past few days, and would like to be able to reflect on them - so I might add a few of those to the end of this journal, if I'm able to do that.  Maybe sometime on the weekend, but I'm not putting any pressure on myself.  Just want to remind myself that I would ideally like to capture those reflections, rather than lose them to the part that sometimes rubs things out!

Hope  :)

Hope, I loved "The Secret Garden" as a child. I still have the book and re-read it often. Idk if I saw myself in Mary as a child, I don't think so, but I loved the mystery and the garden awakening.

Hi Blueberry,
I am enjoying reading 'The Secret Garden' again - I think it's a long time since I read it.  Thanks for what you said, and I'm looking forward to the garden awakening - that's a lovely way to describe it. 

I've been thinking about what aspects of the character's situation resonates with me, and I think it's the fact that no one in her family had communicated anything meaningful to her - and I relate to that.  Also, I notice that I must have been looking at her experiences as a young child and thinking that I could emulate her - i.e. I think it was the gift of the skipping rope she got that made me seek to have a skipping rope to play with myself.  I can't be sure of my memories about that.

I'm finding it helpful as I read the book, and when I feel the younger parts of me responding to the content of the book, and then I can use my adult self to reassure and protect the isolated younger part of myself - and that's been helpful. 

Thanks Blueberry, for commenting as it made me more thoughtful about the character in the book, and my empathy with her.   :hug:

***
29th May 2020
So I have been getting in touch with other parts of myself which I think are beginning to show me other parts of my memories, and I keep feeling as if I'm on the edge of discovering something that is important, but at the same time, I feel as if it's just 'out of reach' and out of consciousness, so it feels tantalisingly close, but yet also quite far away. 

I've been triggered by quite a few things that I've been reading in the media and news at the moment, and I think those things really frightened a part of me which is hypervigilant to danger and I know I was dreaming quite a lot last night, but I couldn't recall the content of the dreams.  I woke up feeling very heavy and drained, and also as if I was carrying a lot of emotion - but I couldn't relate to why or where those feelings had come from.  I can only assume it was related to the content of my dreams.

During part of the day yesterday I felt very much happier in myself - excited infact about some things, and it felt like there was a young and enthusiastic part of me that was alive and happy.  But it didn't stay that long - but it was great whilst I felt those things. 

Hope  :)

QuoteSo I have been getting in touch with other parts of myself which I think are beginning to show me other parts of my memories, and I keep feeling as if I'm on the edge of discovering something that is important, but at the same time, I feel as if it's just 'out of reach' and out of consciousness, so it feels tantalisingly close, but yet also quite far away.

This happens to me too! You've described it brilliantly, Hope. :hug:

I know what you mean about being triggered by the media and news at the moment. There's been a lot of anger and outrage over the past week about one particular story. Maybe a part has picked up on that anger and feels threatened?

I'm glad you felt so great for part of yesterday. I'm certain that feeling will return :yes:.

I'm glad a young Part was able to feel alive and happy.  :wave:

I think that I like The Secret Garden so much because the thought of a pretty, safe place sounds wonderful. Also, the three children in the story are very unique and they come together and are accepting of each other just as they are and develop special friendships. I am looking forward to hearing any thoughts you choose to share as you get further into the book.

Dear Snowdrop & Dear Notalone,
Thank you both for what you wrote.  I really appreciate it.  I will hope to return to what you each said, when I get out of an EF I am currently in, but I wanted you to both know I appreciate what you said.
Hope  :)

2nd June 2020
I have been highly triggered and in an undulating EF - i.e. which seems to have peaks and crescendos, depending on various triggers that I've been having during the day.  There are quite a few stressful things going on today - and I'm negotiating my way through the day.

I had a really bad event in the night, where I screamed (or thought I had) in my sleep, and came into contact with a very distraught and distressed emotion, but have no idea what had happened to cause that feeling - but it was so horrible, and I thought I'd screamed and then cried out 'I can't do that, I can't do that' and then been in tears, and I thought I was actually crying.  My partner asked me if I remembered 'what happened last night' when I woke this morning, and so I told him about what I'd remembered.  He told me that I hadn't screamed, but I had been incredibly upset and that he had ended up getting upset himself in the course of trying to calm me down.  He said he'd not seen me 'so upset' before - and it was upsetting for him. 

I think that has affected me throughout the entire day, and I feel tearful and upset when I think of this.

The stressful events of the day relate to another person who is requiring various help from us, and we are doing our best to meet the expectations and needs of this, and it's tough.  That person is quite elderly and needs some help, but I think the assistance in this way is making me feel incredibly guilty feelings about the fact I don't assist or have contact with my FOO - even though I just can't countenance any contact and indeed, feel it's safer for my healthy and well-being not to have any further contact with them.  There's a part of me that fears that they will be in need, and that I should help them.  There's a part of me that feels incredibly guilty about the fact I wasn't able to continue contact and somehow sort things out.  But there are other parts of me that know I couldn't do that, and I need to try not to be affected too much by the guilty feelings.

It is helping to write something here, I had been experiencing heightened anxiety and horrible feelings, and the act of writing this here, it's already calming me.  Just communicating this here, to people I know understand, that helps.

My partner is also stressed out - as the elderly person is related to him - and we have been talking about our feelings to each other, and trying to support each other with this. 

Hope  :)

 :hug:  :hug:

I hope the EF passes soon. That sounds like a nasty night. I think the night and day feed each other, bad sleep causing stress, stress causing bad sleep. I'm sure you will work things out though. :) Its really tough to fight the feelings that we "need to help", as we have been brainwashed to do. Like you said, you are doing what is best for you, and that comes first. I know that feeling well, and hope you can find some peace with it. Hang in there, and things will get better. All the best!

Dear Blueberry  :hug: and thank  you so much.  Those hugs helped a lot. 

Dear Jazzy, Thanks for your supportive words - they helped me.   :hug:

3rd June 2020
It's been an exhausting day - quite a lot going on, and I'm feeling exhausted.  My partner told me that I had leapt up in bed last night and had nearly 'run off' (as he described it), but thankfully I'd not leapt off the bed and had just sat up for a while and then went back to sleep.  I don't remember that incident, except that I felt incredibly de-hydrated and had to drink water.  When I'd drunk the water I imagined that the water was getting into every cell of my body, and that it was going to soothe and comfort me, and somehow that thought was very calming, and helped me to sleep again. 

I have some nicer things planned for tomorrow - so I'm hoping to have a more relaxing day.  Not putting any pressure on myself to do anything extra, and hoping that the day will enable me to accomplish that.

Hope  :)

 :heythere: ❤️

You've had some really tough nights.  :grouphug:

Thanks Three Roses and Notalone  :hug: :hug:

I slept better last night. 
Hope  :)

Glad you slept better.

Glad to hear you slept better last night. Hopefully it keeps up! :)

Hi Hope, that sounds like some really good self-care, not an easy thing for many of us. I hope you had a good day today as planned. :)

 :hug:

Hi Notalone, Jazzy, Owl, and Tee,
Thank you all.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

*******
6th June 2020
I have slept relatively ok the last few nights, but my partner is concerned that I've been having some episodes at night where I get out of bed (whilst still asleep) and my partner told me that he's worried about me.  I've tried to explain to him that it's because I've been reading quite heavy literature in recent weeks, and then there's stressors in our life related to other things, and therefore the combination of those things has made parts of me get really stirred up and reactive (particularly at night).  I think he would like me to stop exploring things, but I try to explain that I feel like I need to process and explore things.

Yet at the same time, I feel sometimes worried about myself - although I feel in other ways that I am doing ok!    So conflict is there, between how I feel, and how he feels, and I'm now feeling like I can't write much more right now, as I just don't know what to say about it.

This weekend I hope to just write things 'as and when they occur' in my journal, and then my plan is that I will hopefully finally decide on a title for my new journal - and then start it next week - I'd like to identify some goals to focus on within that, and hope that I'll come to conclusions about that, based on my weekend thoughts about it. 

I was watching one of the Avaiya University talks in the PTSD conference yesterday - it was by Dave Berger, and it was really good.  It was about somatic experiencing, and I think it's still available to watch for free today - I wanted to put a link on the forum here, but for some reason my computer wouldn't allow me to paste it, so I wasn't able to do that - I tried yesterday, and couldn't do it.

My feelings - I feel quite a lot of anxiety at the moment - it's like a raw frightening feeling.  Like dread.  I'm carrying it a lot inside at the moment.  I don't like it.

I jotted some things down in my notebook - they include:
Friendships
Goodbyes/transitions
Repeating cycles
Realisations
I also wrote: Accessing flow to express things - Acknowledging patterns - Different parts of me - Decade - Pacing Self.

These things all meant something when I jotted those things down, but the substance behind them, I didn't write - so I'm just jotting them here, because I hope to write more over the weekend and seeing them here, might help me fill in the substance and write more.

Snookiebookie had put a link about perfectionism and it was a U-tube video by Elizabeth Gilbert the author, and she spoke really well about perfectionism being fear - I related to that.  I feel my creativity is blocked, and it's down to perfectionism (expressed largely as 'fear')  Fear not to do well, fear to fail, so many fears.

As I write this, I feel a constriction in my throat area, and feel tears want to tumble. 

Earlier in the last few days, I had a moment when I was laughing hysterically infront of my partner, and then crying - it was like two alternative emotions were vying to be heard, and I felt like I was crazy - or at least that he would think I was. 

There is a lot of stress around us at the moment - and expectations and pressure from others too - and I think I'm finding that tough to negotiate.  I can see why I am feeling like this at the moment.  I understand it.

Will hope to come back later and write more. 
Hope  :)

Been thinking about things - I think that I'm putting undue pressure on myself.  I try to tie-up lose ends, make sense of things, and put things into coherent order, and yet right now my system is a bit chaotic, and different parts are clamouring and jostling with each other.  So I'm making the decision that I need to focus on trying to soothe and relax my system over the weekend - put some energy into thinking of something that my partner and I can do together, which is enjoyable and relaxing, and try to just enjoy the fact we're both alive and healthy and living our lives.

We've both been rushing around this morning - trying to catch-up with various things, and now there's some space this afternoon, and I think I'll suggest something we can do together. 

I recognise that getting into contact with some vulnerable parts of myself has set the fighting and protective parts off, and I really need to get to know them more, and work in harmony between all parts of myself.  Right now, there are too many competing voices wanting to be heard, and trying to blend with me.  So I am going to try to calm and do something nice.  Something relaxing.  Something which is with my partner and something that we can both feel relaxed and communicate.

Hope  :)

***Potential trigger warning, as mentioning anger in this entry.

This is very hard today - I thought I was going to be calm and do something with my partner, and I find I can't approach him right now, as he's busy doing something, and I am battling with various parts of myself that feel abandoned/upset.  I am also finding that I have critical parts which are really taking my character apart - and criticising me.  It's over-whelming, and my head hurts. 

I also feel as if I want to eat lots of 'bad' things - pizza, cake, ice-cream, but I am stopping myself from doing that right now.

As I write this, there's a part that tells me I'm pathetic for writing.  It's annoying!  I hate how I write in a stilted way, and I re-read things sometimes and feel as if it looks stilted, or sometimes that it flowed well and I was ok.

I have a lump in my throat today - it feels like it is a blockage, but I realise it's my emotions surfacing and I'm experiencing that.

:aaauuugh: :fallingbricks: 

I feel quite intense shame today as well - I know that something that I read has triggered me to feel that.  It was relating to wondering whether there's a part of me that is narcissistic, and it really upsets me to think that might be the case - but it could be.  I can think of a couple of events/times in my life when I felt as if I could achieve a lot, and indeed, at that time, felt blended with a part of me that helped me achieve things - but I never felt confident underneath, and I wonder if I was narcissistic at those times. 

I also feel bad that I think that my M was narcissistic - I related so much to information that was written about being the child of a narcissistic parent, it was like it fitted my feelings well - but when I've talked to my partner about my M, he has given a different thought - that her issues are down to being traumatised too.  I do agree with that, and I do feel bad that I labelled her as a NM, when I don't have the qualifications to make that kind of call - I just labelled her having read self-help information!  Part of me has chastised me for that.

I know that angry parts have surfaced, and I don't often 'feel' anger, but lately I have been coming into contact with anger, and it's been directed in various directions, and I fear that none of the directions are where the anger should be going.  I feel bad about that as well.

I feel bad about lots of things, and it really upsets me.  I feel distraught as I say that, as I write it, I feel that emotions so strongly and it really upsets me.

I think I need to go out and walk, and get the angst out of myself.  I need to get rid of some of this energy and these feelings - I'll do that.
Hope  :)

It also annoys me how I always sign off with a smiley face, but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it - in an obsessional kind of way, I want to do that.  It feels incongruous though - like I'm giving a smile, when my feelings don't feel that way.  I should have put a trigger warning on these writings - I might do that. 

 :hug: fwiw, imo your writing is never stilted. You get your point across with gentle sincerity and compassion. I'm a little envious at times.

Your  :) are always a welcome sight to me.

 :yeahthat:

I always admire the honesty of your writing. I also think you're doing really well listening to your parts, and recognising when you're blended.

What you wrote about your M made me wonder if she might be traumatised and narcissistic? As opposed to one or the other. I don't think there's anything wrong in relating to information that's written about being the child of a NM. It may have helped you make sense of things, and therefore helped you on your healing journey.

:hug:

Hi Three Roses,
Thank you so much for what you said, and sending you a hug  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop,
Thank you for what you said, and I think that my M is both traumatised and narcissistic - I think those things do fit.  I realise I was blended with a few vocal parts of myself yesterday - and thankfully today - I'm calmer in many ways.     :hug:

7th June 2020
Pleased to be feeling more stable mood-wise today - and calmer in myself.  Relieved. 
Hope  :)

Glad you're feeling better today Hope! :)  Maybe it would be good to take things a little slower overall? I wouldn't say stop working on yourself, but sleep walking can be dangerous, and certainly is not restful. So, maybe you can find a middle ground.

I think its easy to become narcissistic after trauma, and people who don't pay attention can fall in to that. My M has survived multiple traumas, but she is also very narcissistic. Many people have been amazed how bad she is, and made comments and questions as soon as she was gone. So, a person can definitely be both. I'm not a professional either, but I think it is more important what kind of a personality people see, rather than what an official diagnosis says. I've never gotten the feeling of you being narcissistic though; I think you're safe. :)

Anyway, sorry I'm rambling on about myself. Good job on managing everything through the weekend.

Hi Jazzy,
I appreciate you saying those things, and I found it very helpful that you shared your experiences with your M within your reply, as you helped me think about my own M, and I relate to lots of what you said there.  I'm glad that I've not given the impression that I am narcissitic, because that has made me feel relieved - although I do still think there is a part of me, that might be a little narcissistic - because that part of me tells me that I 'can' do things, and 'achieve' things, and that 'if only' I did something with all my efforts, that I'd be 'really good at it' - whilst many other parts of me feel as if I'm not good at things, and the fear of not those things to a certain standard, makes me feel defective sometimes, and so I don't start a project as a result of that.  But I realise I'm hard on myself, as a result of that.

Jazzy - it has definitely helped that you said those things, so please - no need to say sorry for rambling, as I don't think you're rambling, and even if you were, I would respect that rambling is a nice thing in anycase...   I do take on board what you said about finding a middle ground and pacing myself better - I've been full-on in reading stuff lately, and I think I need to just let things settle.  I recognise my partner was also expressing concern about the sleep walking - and you've mentioned it as potentially dangerous too, and I am taking that on board.  I will pace myself and see how things go.  Thank you  :hug:

8th June 2020

Feeling more hopeful today - feeling calmer.  Also, I did sleep better last night.  No nighttime events or memories of any events, so that's good.

Hope  :)

I hope you're still sleeping better, Hope. :hug:

Hi, Hope, it is nice to hear that you're feeling calmer and I hope that lasts for you.

A couple of things you wrote really chimed with me and I hope it's OK if I share my thoughts. Re being narcissistic I often worried and still do worry about that sometimes. But, apart from a certain amount of narcissism being healthy, I believe that a trauma impacted mind is often searching for solutions to 'things' (you wrote something about that too) which, with me can often lead to jumping to conclusions whenever something is a possiblity. It's very easy for me to read something and think 'ah, that's me!' Just wanted to share that, hope it's OK. Take care  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, Thank you - I have slept better this past couple of nights, and it's a relief.   Thanks also for the hug  :hug:

Hi SaB,
I really appreciate what you said, because what you've said describes something I have been thinking -  in that I sometimes feel like whatever I'm reading, or things I hear and soak up, I tend to then feel as if they are pertinent to me, and it's like there's a filter there that draws me close to whatever theory or description is happening, and depending on how I'm feeling, I am sometimes not able to realise what is 'right' and what is accurate.   Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, as they make a lot of sense to me.  Thanks also for the hug  :hug:    I love the way you wrote 'a trauma impacted mind is often searching for solutions to things' -  it makes sense and it also chimes with me too.   :hug:

11th June 2020
I think I'd been in a series of EF's in the past few days, and felt like my system was pulled in various directions - and I went through a range of emotions, including some intense feelings of grief, and some anger too. 

There had been a few triggering issues in the early part of the week, and they had really got to me, and I realised I was struggling a bit, and getting very emotional and feeling I wasn't coping very well. 

But time has caused some resolution of my emotions, and today I sat with my book that contains a lot of past notes and time-lines, and I went through them - bringing parts of myself along to read them with me - i.e. engaging my self and other parts alongside - and was able to read things, and make extra notes, as parts noticed new things, and told me that things were in the wrong order, or that they hadn't happened quite how I thought they had originally - made some changes, and this process has been helpful to me. 

So I'm feeling a lot calmer at the moment, and I'm so grateful for that.  I had felt so over-whelmed before, and so this current feeling of calmness is much needed.  I hope I can hold onto it for a while.

As I write this, I am thinking of Deep Blue's new kitten, and how happy I felt when I read about that kitten. 

I also want to write that after I'd been reading my time-lines and notes, that I'd experienced a really strong pain in my stomach area and through to my back - I had been noticing in my notes that there had been times in my time-line when I'd written about those exact symptoms and feelings, and they are very intense when they happen, and I think they're significant.  It really hurt a lot, but thankfully didn't last more than about 15 minutes - or thereabouts.  Now I don't have any pain. 

As I sit here now, I'm remembering that when I was in my early 20's, I had gone to a psychic fair where there were people practising various things, and some people doing Reiki, and I'd seen a woman who did a session on me, and she told me I had 'black energy' around my pelvic area - and that's always stayed with me, that she saw blackness there. 

I've been reading Snowdrop's transitional descriptions, where she talks of changing things, and I imagine that maybe I can do something sometime to try to remove the black energy feelings that I have. 

I'm finding it hard to finish this journal and start a new one, and this seems reflective of the fact that I feel 'stuck' in many respects, and as if I'm in a waiting room, or trapped in a box, or unable to progress. 

It's as if I want to be able to summarise everything into some kind of tidy processed package, and then start something new, but I am aware that I've been opening various parts/packages and there are so many threads there, and it can't be tidy, and I can't pack them away now - they're partially open, and it's untidy and 'out there'.

I was re-reading an old journal here the other day, and I was amazed by what I'd written, I couldn't believe how 'open' I'd been about so many things - I've written about so much! 

**TW Mentioning incest and CSA in this next part

In recent weeks I've been reading some books in areas that I have normally avoided , i.e. incest and CSA, and it's been helpful to do that.   I know that some protective parts of myself were triggered by that, and they caused me to start sleep walking and having night-time events again, but they have calmed again, and I am doing ok.  I know that I was in a series of EF's and experiencing some dissociative experiences in the daytime too, and that my partner became more worried and concerned for my well-being, but thankfully I'm calmer and have been able to reassure him that I'm ok.  I think so anyway!

I recognise that I need to pace myself more, and also be kinder to myself and allow myself to just 'be'.

(I also want to write a note to remind myself that I wanted to write something more about the book 'The Secret Garden' as I know that Notalone had said about the characters, and I wanted to talk more about them, and how I'd felt reading that book - I've nearly finished it, so maybe in a day or two, I can reflect and comment on that, as I wanted to do that).

Whilst it's been difficult and challenging emotionally this past few days, I am feeling more hopeful today - because I think I understand more the reality of my experiences, and I'm beginning to process some things, and accept them as real experiences, rather than the feeling that I'm trapped in some kind of strange gothic novel. 

I'm grateful to everyone in this community, and ever thankful that it's here. 

Hope  :)

 :grouphug:

I'm glad you're feeling calmer, Hope. I think you're doing brilliantly. Sent you a PM. :hug:

Thanks notalone, and Snowdrop  :grouphug:

12th June 2020
Tired now, but I think it's been an ok day.  I think I might start my new journal any day now - maybe even tomorrow... 
Hope  :)

I was just thinking of you, Hope, so I thought I'd send you a hug. :hug:

Your hug is much appreciated Snowdrop, and thank you  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug: you are doing great work I'm glad you are making such progress.  It's amazing to see where people are after being gone for a while.  Big hug  :hug:continue working hard and remember to rest too

Dear Tee,
Thank you for saying that, I also appreciate the hug very much  :hug: 

16th June 2020
Whenever I come here to write something this past couple of days, I find I can't actually do it.  But I feel like I've got a lot I want to say, so hopefully I'll manage to write in the next couple of days or so.  I'm doing ok though.  Just a lot going on - becoming more aware of some parts I hadn't realised before, plus making more realisations, and I want to write about those, but it feel a bit over-whelming.

But I'm ok.
Hope  :)

I'm back, will try to write something. 

I have been experiencing much more activity within different parts of me.  I've come across what I think are fire-fighter or protective parts, and one of them was quite angry with me this past couple of days - because of something I'd done which I'd not really checked with parts that it was ok to do - hence there was anger from a part that I'd not realised was there before, but it made me realise I was getting closer to exiles, and therefore it's feeling less safe for the protector parts.

I've also found that my experience of temperature is more interesting than I originally realised - I typically don't feel much - e.g. I can get into extremely hot baths and not feel the heat of the water - but during the night, I've noticed that there have been distinct feelings that parts are activated in my dreams, and on those occasions I've been experiencing a lot of intense physiological activity, and I've been semi-awake/asleep and noticed that I am incredibly hot - i.e. I feel very hot - my partner verifies this as he sometimes comments that I am like an intense radiator of heat at night - but only at specific times.  I was going to write about this in another part of the forum, to see what others think, but then I wasn't sure where to put it, and then I felt like I couldn't write about it - but I'm managing to write it now.

Glad to be writing... 

I think the other thing that has really unsettled my mind is that I watched three parts of a documentary about a Cult - it was called 'The Family' and it was based on a sect/cult who operated in Australia in the 1970's and forward into the other decades.  I admit I have a fascination for watching things about cults or sects because I relate to the experiences that the members talk about - I really feel like I relate to them. 

I think I've frightened myself, or maybe some parts of myself through doing this - I didn't watch the episodes back to back, it was over the past three or four nights, but I wanted to watch them all, and feelings have stayed with me. 

I'm also aware that there's a part of me that is wanting me to disconnect and stop communicating with people - and I think it wants me to pull back and hide - it reminds me of when I was a child, and I ended up spending time in a long box (I think the box was for a large toy, and I fitted in there very well and would stay there in the dark - it seemed safer in there).    Maybe that part told me to do that, and now it wants me to hide again.

But I am also keen to experience the light of life, and live my life, and so I have another part of myself that says I want to connect and live life.  I can see that it's not healthy to cut myself off and hide away. 

I remember last night that I experienced the anger of the part who was angry with me, and I did try to communicate with that part, and said I was sorry for the thing that I'd done without properly getting support or agreement from that part to do - and I did feel that the part softened and that was good to know that it listened to me.

I noticed that quite a few people talked about 'The Secret Garden' and I really would like to open a topic to discuss it there, because those words that people said about it, they are so meaningful and I might ask if I could collate the comments and put them in that topic, if people didn't mind - I think Blueberry, Notalone and Woodsgnome all mentioned things about it, and I love that book so much - I've still not managed to read it.  I might message them to ask if I can quote what they said, and open that topic up - as I really value that book and related to the characters.

I think I feel quite fragmented at the moment, hence kind of wanting to put things together in a constructed way - but it's over-whelming - and therefore feels out of control, and I guess I don't like that feeling.

As I wrote that, I felt my whole stomach churned!  It felt like it turned over.  I felt sick and nauseous.  It feels like I've been hit in the stomach.  I feel that's very visceral and strong.  My throat also feels tighter.

Whilst it's over-whelming, I also feel that 'feeling' things is better than how it used to be - I rarely felt things, and I was numb and often dissociated, so this is different, and it's ok.  I'm doing ok.

I am glad to have written something, and I need to go now.

Hope  :)

Hope, glad you were able to write. You have a lot going on with all your parts, your feelings, and your thoughts. It is a lot to process.

Regarding, The Secret Garden, you are welcome to quote me on anything I said about the book.  :hug:

You're welcome to quote me on The Secret Garden too. I'm sure you could open a discussion on the book as it pertains to you and/or us and cptsd on The Cafe board at least.

 ;) Yes, you also have permission to reference any observations I've made concerning the book. I only recently read it, then watched a series that BBC originally aired in 1975 based on it. There are others but most reviewers say that the 1975 version hews closest to the original book, an opinion with which I concur.

The book made such an impression on me that it became the centrepoint of today's therapy session. Although a voracious reader, I'm rarely as struck as I have been by 'The Secret Garden.'

I'm sorry you encountered an angry firefighter, Hope. I found a firefighter last week (?) and it was a bit disconcerting. I guess it's better to know that it's there? Well done for communicating with that part. Excellent news that it listened to you and responded.

Take care, Hope. Sending you hugs and support. :hug:

Hi Notalone, Blueberry & Woodsgnome - thank you all for allowing me to quote your comments about The Secret Garden - I am looking forward to doing that, and will put a post in the Cafe area when I do it.  I feel like Little Hope (aged maybe about 8 to 10 years old) is keen for me to do this, it feels like she is driving me to do it, and that it means a lot to her.  So thank you for the opportunity to put the comments together in one place.  It makes me and Little Hope very happy!

Hi Snowdrop - yes, firefighters are disconcerting, I felt quite afraid of mine, in terms of the anger expressed by her, but I'm feeling better about it now - and accepting of the fact she's around, as I know she has been helping me in my life at various stages and moments.  Also, knowing she listened when I apologised to her for not keeping her on board with what I was doing. 

Hope  :)

18th June 2020
I just put together the comments about 'The Secret Garden' and it's in a thread in the Cafe area:
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13519.0
Hope  :)

19th June 2020
I am feeling quite insecure today, and quite emotional.  The last few days have felt a lot more intense from the point of view of different parts of myself being activated, and also discovering parts that might be either protectors and/or firefighters, and this makes me realise that I'm not really sure which is which, and that there's still a foggy aspect to identifying my parts and relating to them. 

I've felt as if there's an angry part that doesn't want me to engage in anything, wants me to withdraw from lots of things in my life, and shut myself away, and I am actively resisting that, as I am beginning to 'feel' more things, and process more things, and because of that I've discovered some nicer feelings that I'd shut away for quite some time - occasionally I have moments when I feel those feelings, and they are definitely things I want to experience more of.

I've also been considering trying to get back in contact with a family member whom I'd previously sent a facebook friendship request to, but never knew if that person had even seen it, as I don't know if they ever wanted to ignore it, respond to it, or if they just didn't see it.  I've discovered that they are online and write a blog, and so now I'm wondering about trying to make a comment on their blog to try to engage them - but at the same time, I don't want to be a pest, and so there's a dilemma about that.  I've never met that relative - possibly seen them once in my life from a distance, but not sure if it was his younger brother or himself that I saw.  Feeling a bit apprehensive therefore about whether to make another attempt to contact - my last contact (the facebook friendship request) was probably a year or two ago now.   

Whilst I think of it, these are some things I want to consider going forward, in my new journal (which I hope to start before June is over):

Trying to understand my immense trigger of 'goodbyes/changes/endings/transitions' - and why that is so painful for me
Trying to pacify the angry part of myself that has been triggered recently, and find out what exile that part is protecting or fire-fighting
Get a better balance between different aspects of my life
I've been looking around more at supportive articles on CSA and incest and begun to look in supportive resources that are set up for these areas.

I met up with a friend yesterday, and was able to be more open about my personal feelings about things, which perhaps normally I'd keep to myself, and I was tearful, and so was she, but it was a very special experience to feel more mutual support, and I felt like that was really positive.

I seem to have tinnitus in both ears at the moment!  I normally only have it in my left ear.

That very scared part of me, that I felt at the start of writing this, seems to have gone away, and I feel a bit better in myself just now, so writing this has been helpful.

Actually right now, at this moment, I actually feel quite hopeful.  I hope this feeling stays.

Hope  :)

I find it hard to differentiate between different types of protectors as well. I know that I've sometimes misidentified them. I think it's something that gets easier with practice though.

Regardless of what type of part it is, the angry part sounds important. I'm glad the scared part has calmed down, and you've discovered nicer feelings.

Sending love and hugs to you. You're doing brilliantly. :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on June 19, 2020, 08:23:18 AM
I met up with a friend yesterday, and was able to be more open about my personal feelings about things, which perhaps normally I'd keep to myself, and I was tearful, and so was she, but it was a very special experience to feel more mutual support, and I felt like that was really positive.

That sounds like a lot of progress, Hope! I'm really happy for you.  :cheer:  :hug: :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on June 19, 2020, 08:23:18 AM
Actually right now, at this moment, I actually feel quite hopeful. 

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Quote from: Hope67 on June 19, 2020, 08:23:18 AM
I've also been considering trying to get back in contact with a family member whom I'd previously sent a facebook friendship request to, but never knew if that person had even seen it, as I don't know if they ever wanted to ignore it, respond to it, or if they just didn't see it.  I've discovered that they are online and write a blog, and so now I'm wondering about trying to make a comment on their blog to try to engage them - but at the same time, I don't want to be a pest, and so there's a dilemma about that.  I've never met that relative - possibly seen them once in my life from a distance, but not sure if it was his younger brother or himself that I saw.  Feeling a bit apprehensive therefore about whether to make another attempt to contact - my last contact (the facebook friendship request) was probably a year or two ago now.   

I frequently delete all my "social" emails without looking at them. I also don't pay attention on Facebook regarding friend requests very often. That could possibly be the case with the person you referenced.

Hi Snowdrop - thanks so much for your encouragement, and for sharing that you also find it difficult to differentiate between different types of protectors.  I agree that the angry part is important.  Thanks again  :hug:

Hi Blueberry - Thank you  :hug: :hug:

Hi Notalone - It helped to see what you wrote about how you frequently delete all your social e-mails without looking at them, and that you don't pay attention to friend requests, because this could easily be true for my relative as well.   I am considering ways to get around this, and currently feel like I want to pursue establishing contact.  There's a braver part of me around today, I think!    :hug:

Hope  :)

20th June 2020

TW, as I am feeling very variable at this moment, and not sure what I might say.
I am feeling so many emotions today.  I feel very up and down mood-wise.  I feel like there's a really strong 'angst' inside me, and I also feel waves of 'anger'.  I also feel 'scared' and 'fearful' too.  Those words come to mind, and yet the experiences of those feelings are like things 'whooshing around' inside me - coming and going in waves, and each one not lasting all that long - maybe seconds sometimes.

My thoughts are jumbled, and things like 'you are such a pest' - 'you are annoying' - 'you are pathetic' - 'you are clingy' - 'you are crazy'... etc etc.  I guess my inner critics (angrier parts) are definitely being stirred up.

I know what it is that I've done - I've made contact with someone who is connected to my cousin (via Facebook) - someone I don't know, but whom I thought might be able to get a message to my cousin to let him know I've been trying to contact him.  Normally I am vague and say 'my relative' but it's my cousin, and I do want to contact him, to ask him some things about my family on that side. 

I think that there is a lot of fear about making any kind of contact with my FOO, because I know so little about them.  I've been like a detective trying to find things out, over the past few years, and I have managed to get some information, but I would like to know things from my cousin, to find out just how dysfunctional I fear things are - but also to make things more 'real' and for parts of myself to finally feel like there's believable things. 

But I feel scared now, at the uncertainty of what might happen as a result of this attempt to contact them.

*****
I am trying to ground myself and tell all my parts that it's ok - I had and have a right to contact whoever I want to, and that whatever happens, nothing bad can actually happen.  Afterall, I'm an adult now.  I am 'safe'. 

Immediately they reply with 'But I don't feel safe'

But yes, I am safe.  I am here, safe and well, and miles and miles from any people in my FOO. 

*******
I feel like crying now.  I feel upset. 

I think I triggered myself when I was writing about 'The Secret Garden' even though I wanted to do that.  Somehow admitting that I related to some of the characters there, it's upset another part of myself, who doesn't like that fact.  Who doesn't want me to show any weaknesses.  Is that a protector?  I suspect so.  But I like the Secret Garden, and I like the characters, and it's ok to talk about things, and to share things, and that's ok.

I feel very upset now.

But I recognise in writing this all out, that there are so many conflicting parts with so many different thoughts and feelings, and right now - they're all a bit jostled about, and so I'm asking all those parts - please can you sit back a bit, give us some room on this bus!  We'll get nowhere if you're all doing that. 

Wow, I feel calmer right now - it's like my Self just got on the bus, and is helping us all out.  Thank you.  They've all sat down, infact we look a bit sheepish now, they are all youngish children. 

***********
I do feel better right now.  Going to have a cup of tea.

Hope  :)

Quoteso I'm asking all those parts - please can you sit back a bit, give us some room on this bus!  We'll get nowhere if you're all doing that.

Wow, I feel calmer right now - it's like my Self just got on the bus, and is helping us all out.

Yes! That's how it feels for me too :yes:. I once heard it described as being like a bunch of kids on a bus where they all keep trying to take hold of the steering wheel. Then the Self comes in, takes the wheel, and the parts sit back down.

I think you're brave for contacting your cousin, and the person connected to him. I can understand the fear, but if you're contacting them on Facebook, you can also go out of contact with them there too. There's a safety net.

:hug:

Hope, I can relate to a great deal of what you wrote, the whirling emotions, the thoughts, etc.

A while back I contacted a relative in the hopes of getting some information about family. The conversation was difficult for a variety of reasons, but spread throughout the difficult, I was told some very valuable information that knocked down a big portion of my wall of unbelief. I hope that your interaction with your cousin is helpful for you. I agree with Snowdrop, you are brave for contacting cousin. Also, good to remember that you have the power to end the connection if that seems best.
:grouphug:

 :hug:

Hope, I think it's brave of you too to try and do some contacting via Facebook. No wonder some of your Inner Children are getting wound up and your ICr. going haywire. I'm glad you could write about it here. I'm sending support and  :hug: :hug:

23rd June 2020
Thank you to everyone who replied to me since I last wrote in my Journal.

Snowdrop - thanks for confirming that you felt similarly, in terms of being like a bunch of kids on a bus, and Self coming in, and the parts sitting back down.  It is a great visual and helps - and to know you feel similarly, it helps.  Regarding connecting my cousin on Facebook, I suspect it's not going to go anywhere, as I feel sure there would have been a reply fairly soon, if there was going to be one.  But I can't see any indication that the message has been read, so maybe the person I contacted hasn't actually seen my message...  But like you say, it's a safety net for being able to go out of contact again, if contact is made...   :hug: to you.

Hi Notalone - thanks for sharing that you related to a great deal of what I wrote, that makes me feel supported and validated.  I also appreciated you sharing your experience of what happened when you contacted a relative, to get family information.  Thanks also for the hug  :hug:

Hi Blueberry - thank you for saying I'm brave.  Also for saying that inner children are getting wound up and my ICr going haywire.  They're still pretty much doing that, and I'll write about that in a minute. 

**********
23rd June 2020 - so I find that I'm getting triggered very regularly this past couple of days, since I sent a facebook message to a someone who potentially knows my cousin.  It's very frustrating not having an answer, and not knowing if they even saw the message.  I'd really wish that they would just reply and say 'No, I can't help you' or 'Yes, I can help you' rather than this uncertainty about whether the message has even been seen.

It makes me feel a bit invisible and evokes feelings of abandonment and rejection - I recognise that.

Anyway, there have been some positives, because I decided yesterday to look through some Leaving cards, which I'd kept from times when I've left different jobs, over the course of my career - and I actually sat and read the words in the various cards, and processed some grief and sadness, but also some really nice feelings and thoughts about the kind words that were written there. 

Then last night I ended up dreaming about being in a room where I was once again packing up things, and I was able to say 'Goodbye' to a relationship from the past, which had not been processed previously - and when I woke up this morning, I felt much lighter, and it felt good.

So I think that is really positive, and especially as Goodbyes and endings and transitions are normally so triggering to me.  So painful that I normally can't look at them.  I feel this was real progress.

Regarding books, I've not finished 'The Secret Garden' yet, but I've started reading another book, which is by C.G. Jung, and is called 'Memories, Dreams, Reflections' and I really think it is very interesting, and I might end up quoting bits in my journal from time to time, as it really is helping me to think about elements of my childhood that are triggered by him describing his experience, and I've been able to jot things down that are helpful to me.

Realisations:
I've realised how much I can avoid certain things, and that beginning to look at them, tentatively - it's helping me. 

Decision: I'm going to keep this Journal till the end of June, and then start a new one in July!

Hope  :)

I wanted to hop by and send you many  :hug:  and support and lots of  :cheer:  for the many realizations you have done and your intuitive listening of your parts.

Hi Marta, Thank you so much.  Did you know I'd sent you a pm a few days back - I don't know if you got it ok or not.  I feel a bit embarrassed to ask you, but I wanted to be sure if you'd seen it, or not.  It was about a post in the Cafe area which talks about the book 'The Secret Garden' - as I know you like that book and I didn't want you to miss out on the fact quite a few people have been talking about it in there.  Now I feel silly again, as I'm replying to you in here, I should probably go and say this in your own Journal...  Anyway, I've written it now.  I do appreciate what you said, and thank you  :hug:

*******
24th June 2020
Last night was so hot and sticky and I didn't sleep so well.  I had to get water to drink, and try to keep hydrated.  I remember in the early part of the night, that I started out with thoughts of wanting to go back to reunite with a younger part of myself, and I remember concentrating hard on the darkness, and saying 'I'm coming back for you' and then imagining launching myself into the depth of the night to find that part of myself.

During the course of the night, I did manage to make contact with a very frightened and terrified young part of myself, I literally just caught a slight sense of her - and I felt the dread and fear that she felt very strongly.  But I couldn't communicate with her, only see that flash and feel that sense.  But I felt that it was positive that she allowed me to see that small glimpse. 

Currently I'm considering more about my difficulty with endings/transitions - and want to remind myself of that here.

Today I read another couple of chapters of 'The Secret Garden' and I've jotted some notes, so I'll hope to pop over later to the section in the Cafe to write about those things.  So noting this for myself here as a reminder.

Some thoughts I wrote down yesterday about endings:
Never allowed time to process them.
Hardly ever worked through an ending.
Books - rarely finish them.

I did briefly go into the other forum (Out of the Fog) yesterday as well - just to read a few things there - I've not been in there very much in the past, and was curious, and it was amazing how confident people sounded in how they talked about their relationships and noticing patterns and writing about their experiences, and I was in awe of that. 

Last night I also noticed that I felt very small again, and that my body didn't feel like my own - I was once again shocked by my size and maturity (e.g. chest area) and it made me feel like I'd regressed into a much younger part in my sleep.

I also realised how triggered I am when my partner is restless in his sleep - as it feels very frightening to me, as if he's going to hit me or hurt me, and yet he's never done that, and his movements are essentially purely moving around restlessly in his sleep. 

This morning I had been rushing around, and went shopping for my elderly relative (my partner's family member), and I had so carefully got things together, so he could take them around to her - but then he came back later and said I'd forgotten a couple of things, and I felt so bad about that, I ended up bursting into tears - it was completely out of proportion to things though, as really it didn't matter so much, in the scheme of things, but somehow I felt as if I was still blended at that moment with a very small part of myself who felt like she'd tried incredibly hard to be adult and do all those things - shop, work out money etc, put groceries together, and then forgot a couple of things that needed putting together with them.

I'm feeling calmer and more adult (within myself) again at this moment, which is good.

Hope  :)

 :hug: a caring hug sent to you and all your Parts Hope . It's hard to adult when you are struggling to be and hold your parts together.    I hope that you continue to feel better.  Remember to breathe and take your time to allow your parts to heal.  I'm glad things are moving forward.

Dear Tee, Thank you so much for that caring hug, and for what you said.   :hug:  I think allowing for parts to heal, and giving them time and space to breathe, that is a helpful thing.   :hug:

**********
27th June 2020
The weekend is here, and I would like to try to focus on some relaxing things, to help all parts of me to breathe and heal, and so I'm going to try to listen to music that is gentle and soothing, and read things that are light and non-triggering, and spend some time also with my partner, to enjoy the weekend. 

I'm hoping to start my new Journal on 1st July. 

Hope  :)

Have a good weekend, Hope. :hug:

 :hug:

Hi Snowdrop - thank you  :hug:
Hi Tee - thank you so much for the hug  :hug:

**********
1st July 2020
I had hoped to start my new journal by today, but I've felt too over-whelmed this past few days.  It's as if many of my parts are activated and I now know I can communicate with them, in terms of literally having conversations - previously I was scared to ask them questions, I was just listening to things they showed me (mainly) rather than interacting in any direct way, but now I know (through experimenting more) that I can definitely interact with them, and now they are keen to express themselves in various ways, and I must admit I've found it over-whelming.

I'm thinking I need to take a break for a while from technology again - screen time, stuff like that.  Just take a break, and re-charge my self.  So I think that's what I'll do, and then when I feel ok or better again, I'll come back and hope to start a new journal, and so I'm writing this here today - to remind myself of this.

Hope  :)

That's a big step forward, Hope. :applause:

One thing I've found helpful if lots of parts want to communicate is to put parts in a safe space or waiting room where they can wait  until I'm ready to deal with them. I make sure they know that I'm not rejecting them. Thought I'd mention this in case it helps with the feelings of overwhelm.

Take care, Hope. Thinking of you, and I'm here if you need me. :hug:

 :hug: take care of yourself Hope e will be here when you need us or feel better and return. Big hug  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: to everyone.  I've missed you. 
Hoping to start a new journal - starting next week - maybe tomorrow. 
Hope  :)

Welcome back hope!

It's good to see you back, Hope! :wave:  :hug:

Welcome back, Hope!

 :wave: Hi Hope -- wishing you a safe and meaningful return.

Welcome back :heythere: We missed you too :)

Welcome back, Hope :hug:

I really appreciate you all.   :grouphug:  Thank you for the lovely welcome back.  It's good to be back, and I've managed to start my new journal - finally! 
Hope  :)

 :heythere: hi Hope how was your break?

Hopefully relaxing  :yes: :hug:

Dear Tee,
Thank you, there were some relaxing parts - definitely!
It's nice to re-connect here, even though initially some of my parts were a bit resistant to my coming back. 
I'm glad I have.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Just wanted to pop by and send you some warm and happy thoughts.

Thank you Sceal, I'm going to copy what you wrote and put it in my more recent Journal, as it meant a lot.  Thank you.
Hope  :)