New here and first time journaling! I'm so grateful I found this forum, these days I feel very isolated so I'm hoping writing things out will help me.
*possible trigger warnings*
I should definitely be in bed by now, but had a small setback tonight and I'm not sure how much damage it's done. I recently moved to a completely new place, both living alone and starting therapy for the first time. While I'm glad that I started therapy, it has definitely made everything worse (I guess it gets way worse before it gets better) and just being able to function day to day is hard and taxing. The amount of symptoms and symptom awareness has skyrocketed which causes a lot of unsafe feelings, even when I live alone! Reading through some of the other journals on here is really helpful in trying to set really small goals for myself that are reasonable (something I struggle with).
Right now my goals (just for the rest of the year) are:
1. Make my home space feel like a safe space that I feel I can exist in and let myself work through things while feeling like I safely can do so.
2. Try to open up more in therapy (sharing trauma, amnesia, thoughts, etc.).
3. Try to take care of the body the best that I can that day (eating, going outside, sleeping, etc.).
Despite having a lot of repressed things and other things that I might make more posts on that were brought up through therapy that make me feel extremely overwhelmed 24/7, I've finally been able to very very slowly start to make my home feel safe. Whether it's turning on a light when I don't like the dark that night, making sure that all of the objects and things are things that don't cause trauma/flashbacks/upset and generally make me feel comfortable, and constantly reminding myself that I'm alone.
*some more possible trigger warnings*
But, tonight while I was watching a show and knitting (a hobby my therapist tries to get me into to ground me, sometimes works) there were a couple of men outside who were trying to get into the building. It was dark and I couldn't really see them all that well, but they were clearly trying to get into the building and not being able to (my first thought was that they were late night maintenance workers here, but if they were maintenance then they would be able to get into the building themselves so that comforting idea was shot down). I wasn't really paying attention, just sitting in my chair next to the window trying to have a relaxing night, when I suddenly I saw really bright flashes down on the ground from their phone (I'm on the second story). They were trying to get my attention to open the door on the bottom level to let them in. To which I immediately shook my head no then proceeded to become very alarmed that there were three men trying to get my attention. All of my trauma that I'm aware of stemmed from male abusers, so this wasn't the best experience for me to go through right now. I promptly turned all of my lights off and got as far away from any windows as I could. I waited until they left to move to a different room and to close off blinds, I currently feel better than I did, but I think that really set me back in making myself feel safe in my space.
I got on Amazon and was looking at window curtains that I could put over windows, but then I started to feel extremely angry towards the men who were outside. How dare anyone make me feel unsafe in this space I've been working so hard to make a place I can safely try to process? I very very rarely get angry, so this was a huge surprise to me. Usually if someone has made me feel vulnerable or unsafe I will hide or push everything back until I don't feel anything at all (I have an amazing poker face), so this was something new. I really don't want to buy curtains, windowless or rooms that appear to be windowless tend to unsettle me greatly (from past experiences and trauma places), but the feeling that I might need to buy them is still there and the slight anger that I need to in the first place is still there.
I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed, like I always am, but I really hope this doesn't affect the space that I've created here and put so much mental/emotional effort into. Sometimes I feel like I over exaggerate things out of proportion or I'm over reacting. Right now I'm just :stars: . I didn't realize how long this was going to be, oof. I'm hoping maybe I'll make some progress with this tomorrow ? I'm too tired to continue on this path, but maybe later.
well done, sunflower! nice start to your journal. i think your goals are well thought out and good ones to reach for. these baby steps absolutely count, and they'll get bigger and stronger as you continue healing.
therapy can be disturbing, it's true, cuz you're going thru stuff that you'd often rather not remember, but sometimes it can also be a relief cuz as you go thru that stuff, you can also very often get it out where it belongs and leave it at the office. it may take a while to reach that point, but hang tough, ok? in the meantime, i think journaling, at least for me, can be extremely helpful. i'm glad you found us, and i hope you find the support here that you're looking for.
sending love and a hug filled w/ safety (if it's ok). :hug:
Welcome sunflower,
I agree with San therapy can be tough at first but as you work through things it helps to get it out with a good T. I hope this is the case for you.
I would not let people into the building either there's a reason for the locks the way they are. You should be safe because of them. Don't let stupid people scare you! Your on the second floor you should be ok.
Good job on starting your journal, sunflower. Starting my journal was really scary but so far I feel that it has been super-helpful. I used to write in a private journal all the time, but it stopped being helpful. I find there to be something very powerful and fortifying about writing knowing that people who read will believe me and not judge.
@sanmagic7 - Thank you so much! I really like the leaving therapy in therapy idea, I think that's been helping me quite a bit today. (hugs are great! :hug:)
@Tee - I've reminded myself that I'm safe now and today is a lot better day. I almost felt a little guilty for not letting them in, that I should be nice to them, but I think now that was my people pleaser talking and not what I would in any way want to do.
@Bach - I completely get that, I still have a personal journal that I write in occasionally, but I was hoping with this it would help me feel less like I'm "stuck in my head". The not judging part is so important, sometimes I struggle opening up in therapy because I'm afraid of judgement even though logically I know any professional wouldn't do that.
Welcome!
:heythere:
@Three Roses - Thank you!!
July 17th —
*possible trigger warnings*
Today has been a day of ups and downs, feeling better then feeling like I hit the bottom of a pit. Most of the time I feel like I'm "losing my mind". Mostly swinging between being aware and feeling like I'm not here and things aren't real.
I know staying inside all day most days doesn't help me. I really want to go outside tomorrow, hopefully it will make me feel better, but a part of me is afraid of going outside or to be around people. I think I'll try really really hard to go somewhere that I know I'll enjoy.
Right now I've been realizing that dwelling on things and what I'm going through just makes it worse. I can't be my own therapist or give myself therapy. I need help. Tomorrow I am going to call my therapist office to make an appointment with my new therapist (my previous therapist moved and changed jobs so I was referred to a new one who I haven't had an appointment with yet). I'm hoping I can get an appointment fairly quickly.
Yesterday C called me and told me that R (main abuser) had a court case and there was a possibility that he could be getting out of jail. I think I'm still processing this. There's no possible way R knows where either of us are or how to get in contact with us, but it's still worrying. There's a part of me that's scared that something could happen.
Right now I think I'm just trying to make it through the motions that my mind throws me through.
(trying I guess) :Idunno:
That's a lot to process sunflower. I hope that you are able to get in to see your new T soon. Hugs if that's ok. :hug:
Right there with you, sunflower. It's time I also got back into therapy - like you, my last t also moved away. Ugh. But at least I know what I want to talk about now (anger) which is different than any other time I've gone to therapy. The most I could come up with before was just getting someone to listen to my experiences and "fix" me. :no:
Best of luck to you in this! :thumbup:
Quote from: Three Roses on July 18, 2019, 05:04:07 AM
The most I could come up with before was just getting someone to listen to my experiences and "fix" me.
I think that's what I've been doing in therapy for the last couple of weeks. I feel like I just sit there and don't actively participate in my own recovery. I have a new appointment on Monday with a new therapist, but
this time I'm going to do it different. I really want to get better and to do that I can't be a backseat driver. I even made a giant list to give to my new therapist on topics to talk about instead of avoiding things like I always do. Can't wait!
Sounds like progress sunflower good luck. :applause: :hug:
Quote from: sunflower38 on July 18, 2019, 01:37:15 AM
R (main abuser) had a court case and there was a possibility that he could be getting out of jail. I think I'm still processing this. There's no possible way R knows where either of us are or how to get in contact with us, but it's still worrying. There's a part of me that's scared that something could happen.
Scared that something could happen? Totally understandable to me (even though my own trauma history is different - there's nobody in jail).
I second what Tee says - in that whole post there's a lot to process. We are here for you, standing with you.
I like the title of your Journal because baby steps count! Often it's them that get me moving in recovery long-term.
sunflower, i love the 'take charge' attitude that you decided to surround yourself with for your next stint in therapy. i think that's great. best to you with this.
sorry about the abuser getting out of jail - that would be triggering, indeed. i also understand the scariness behind learning something like that.
as blueberry says, we're right her with you. and, i agree, that sometimes baby steps are the ones that can propel us forward even better than when we try to take a giant leap. well done, sweetie. :thumbup:
sending love and a hug filled with strength for all your new future.
@Tee - Thank you!!
@Blueberry - I really appreciate everyone here, I'm so grateful for this place :grouphug:
@sanmagic7 - :hug:
July 19th ~~
Yesterday was a very rough day for me. I felt like I was experiencing my past all at once. Every second felt like an emotional whirlwind. It wasn't until after I got physically sick that I could think straight for a bit and decided to take a step I never thought I could or would want to. I called C and we talked for over an hour about our past, and filled in a lot of blanks for each other. We both confessed a lot, shared a lot, cried a lot (lol). My childhood is so spotty that I always wondered if I truly wanted to know what happened, all of it, or if it was best untouched.
After talking together I realized that I never have to forgive R for what he did to us for all those years. I think realizing this helped me move on from the nagging feeling in the back of my head that I was missing a big part of myself. Those memories and experiences may be gone, and sometimes I'm grateful for that, but I would still like to find out who those missing parts were. Was I ever brave? Did I stand up for my own opinions? Was I extroverted? Did I go after what I wanted? What did I enjoy? What did I want? If I tore out all of me that was built from the people who told me what to be, who would I be left with? I really want to find out who I am (thank you Three Roses for inspiring me through your own journey).
Today has been a really good day. I haven't felt this aware of myself and "awake" in a long time. There hasn't been any anxiety, panic, or fear. I've just been relaxing and actually able to watch some shows that I enjoy without dissociating. C and I talked about how it's not good for me to dwell on everything alone, so we've been trying to find activities outside for me to do. I went swimming today, which was nice because it's a private pool and no one goes swimming at 9 in the morning ;D. I also found a couple groups through Meetup that I'm interested in and know I would feel safe going to. My therapy appointment for Monday did get cancelled yesterday since she said she needed a break that day, so it was moved to next Friday. I was originally worried and a little upset over this, wondering if I could really go through the week feeling like this (from yesterday), but today I think I'm okay. C is visiting on Friday and over the weekend, so I know I won't be alone and C said that it would probably be better for me if I wasn't alone after a therapy appointment (I agree).
So for right now I feel calm, the calm after a storm I guess. Like how the ocean feels after a great storm rolls through, I just need to pick up all of the debris it left on the beach now. I'm ready to live my life the way that I want to live it. And I hope that 5 years down the line I can look back and love myself for going through all of this for what feels like a second time now. I don't know if it's too early to say it, but I'm really proud of myself for starting this journey. It sucks and sometimes I wish I didn't, but now I'm really glad that I did. I can't wait to see how much I grow from this.
QuoteI'm ready to live my life the way that I want to live it.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:yeahthat:
i believe the mere fact that you are still here and continuing a journey that is difficult and frightening proves your bravery - i don't think you ever have to doubt that. as for what else is left of you after the 'others' pieces are taken away, i think you'll be happily surprised. i've read a lot about how people didn't realize the qualities they possessed and utilized while going thru their lives. we are much stronger than we ever knew.
i give you lots of credit for deciding to fill in the blanks of your life - again, a very brave thing to do, and i'm so glad you're feeling stronger today. i think having someone with you is a good idea, especially in the beginning w/ all this while you're still trying to find your sea legs.
sending love and a hug full of encouragement. :hug:
Quotei believe the mere fact that you are still here and continuing a journey that is difficult and frightening proves your bravery - i don't think you ever have to doubt that.
:yes: :yes: :yes:
Quote from: sunflower38 on July 19, 2019, 10:29:17 PM
So for right now I feel calm, the calm after a storm I guess. Like how the ocean feels after a great storm rolls through, I just need to pick up all of the debris it left on the beach now. I'm ready to live my life the way that I want to live it. And I hope that 5 years down the line I can look back and love myself for going through all of this for what feels like a second time now. I don't know if it's too early to say it, but I'm really proud of myself for starting this journey. It sucks and sometimes I wish I didn't, but now I'm really glad that I did. I can't wait to see how much I grow from this.
I wish none of us had to go through this, but hoping with you for the future. Good that you are proud of yourself for stepping into this journey. It is difficult and it takes courage to step into it.
Welcome to OOTS. :wave:
notalone, sanmagic7, Three Roses :grouphug: Thank you so much!
July 26th >
Today was a really good day, one of the best I've had in a long time. C flew here today, we haven't seen each other in a few weeks which is a long time for us, and it's been so great! We spent the morning going around town and looking at things. I had a small anxiety hiccup after realizing I had received an urgent medial forms email a month ago and didn't notice. Without these certain forms I won't be able to take part in something that I've wanted for years now. I am trying my best not to spiral the "what if's" out of control if I don't get this taken care of, so far I think I'm doing fairly well compared to how I normally react. I need to know that it is the weekend and that I have to rely on other people to help me complete these.
I also had my first therapy appointment with my new therapist. I'm so grateful for my past therapist in helping me learn about therapy and to start paving the road for my recovery, but I think it was good that I had to switch. Maybe this was a sign from the universe haha. My new therapist said all of the right things that I needed to hear and gave me some amazing tips to try and separate "therapy time" from living my life. She had the idea of bringing a journal to sessions, taking notes and afterwards writing down my thoughts on what happened and what I wanted to continue talking about the next week. Then, close it and leave it in my car. That way I had my time thinking about things, and this is me putting a bookmark in a book to hold my page for next week. I was also really proud of myself for participating more in talking and answering the questions she had when we both looked over the list that I brought with me about things I want to work on. After my session I felt a release that I hadn't ever felt from my other sessions, lighter almost like it was a weight off of me. C and I had an amazing rest of the day, we bought some plants and had some really good food. Feeling content is my favorite feeling in the world and I've felt it a lot today!
Can't wait for the rest of the weekend, we're going to do some sight seeing and exploring. I hope I feel just as good the rest of the weekend, things are finally looking a little brighter now.
enjoy these moments, remember them, sunflower. stuff like this can help you know that the rough times will pass.
so glad about your session and how your new t helped you feel relief. it all sounds wonderful. and good for you for being able to share more, talk more - i wouldn't doubt that helped you get more out of the session, too. well done! :yes:
i'm glad you can realize you can ask for help to get those forms finished. if i may, i'd like to send a hug along that will enclose those 'what if's?' for you so they won't get any bigger. :bighug: love to you, sweetie. sounds like you're doing really well, and i'm glad you found that feeling of contentment. hwo great for both you and C.
:cheer: yeah for a little brighter. I hope you have fun this weekend and are able to get you paper work done. I agree with everything San said it sounds like your moving in the right direction. Good luck and keep going :grouphug:
:applause: 🌻
@sanmagic7 - Thank you for the hug! It's greatly appreciated.
@Three Roses and Tee - :hug:
August 2nd >>
C left early Monday morning, it was hard watching someone leave again when we're always tied at the hip, but this time I think it was easier since I know we'll see each other soon. Otherwise, the weekend was relaxing and just what I needed.
Had a second appointment with my new therapist on Wednesday and we talked about self care and what I want. I don't really know why figuring out what I want (in life, today, in general) is so hard for me. I don't quite know what I actually enjoy or even what I want for myself 10 years from now. We talked about self care in taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and socially. Self care is also hard, there's always some anxiety around doing things for myself or things that I enjoy since there was always negative responses when I did any of these things as a child. I found myself spacing out quite a bit as we talked about this, and my therapist helped me understand that these things (isolation, hyper awareness, not letting myself feel emotions, not taking care of myself) were things that I used to protect myself in the past, but I don't need them now. Letting myself let go of these things is going to be really hard, but I want to. Wednesday was spent relaxing since I pushed myself really hard in therapy to talk about these things even though it seemed like the words were getting stuck in my throat all of the time. This has been happening more often now, feeling like I don't have the ability to talk. Maybe this is another way of me protecting myself? But if it is, I think that would make me really angry, all of those times in my life when I've been enjoying or wanted to know something but couldn't say or ask anything. How many possible moments of voicing my own opinions and learning about what I want through verbally expressing myself have I missed because of trauma?
I've been feeling sad lately, sad that I have to go through this, sad that I keep having negative thoughts of how bad I'm doing and how I don't deserve anything.
I had a couple things for homework until our next session next week. Working out a rough sleeping schedule that doesn't flare up my requirement for perfectionism while also setting myself up to fail is a fine line to walk. Being in bed by 10:30 and awake by 8:00 seems like a good step for right now. It's not a specific time that I have to be awake, but a good general timeframe. Baby steps! I was also given a wellness wheel, something to push me to figure out what I want. It's been so hard to work on it. I'm not really sure what to write, or how to even start thinking about it. I would be staring at the blank circle but feeling like I'm looking at the world's most complex calculus problem. Maybe I need to look at this in a different way, I really want to push myself to finish this and be happy for accomplishing that small bit of progress.
On some really good notes! My home finally feels like a safe space to me! I realized that yesterday while I was baking, something that I haven't done for myself in a long time, and I truly felt comfortable with myself in my home. It's 100% completely mine. I've also been talking to some friends more now, we may not be living near each other anymore, but it's so great to feel loved by someone I care about and I know they care about me too. My inner critic started telling me a couple days ago when I haven't heard from friends in a week that they didn't really care about me and that we would all drift apart. But I got to stick it to my inner critic when we all got to group call yesterday and hang out for hours! I haven't had that much fun in a while, I laughed a lot.
Today is a pretty okay day, been having "creative time", something that my therapist and I talked about using instead of saying "work" which is a word that for me has negative meaning to. Also enjoying all of those vanilla cookies I baked yesterday haha, so overall pretty okay :)
Quote from: sunflower38 on August 02, 2019, 07:15:28 PM
On some really good notes! My home finally feels like a safe space to me! I realized that yesterday while I was baking, something that I haven't done for myself in a long time, and I truly felt comfortable with myself in my home. It's 100% completely mine. I've also been talking to some friends more now, we may not be living near each other anymore, but it's so great to feel loved by someone I care about and I know they care about me too. My inner critic started telling me a couple days ago when I haven't heard from friends in a week that they didn't really care about me and that we would all drift apart. But I got to stick it to my inner critic when we all got to group call yesterday and hang out for hours! I haven't had that much fun in a while, I laughed a lot.
Today is a pretty okay day, been having "creative time", something that my therapist and I talked about using instead of saying "work" which is a word that for me has negative meaning to. Also enjoying all of those vanilla cookies I baked yesterday haha, so overall pretty okay :)
:cheer: :hug:
:cheer: your goals don't have to be huge. Glad you were able to have fun with friends. :grouphug:
August 3rd ---
Today was a slow and chill day. I made myself work on my wellness wheel which soon turned into a wellness board. As I was writing, it soon became easier and easier to make notes about what I want for myself, something that seems so complicated to me for some reason. This may be coming together really slowly, but I'm happy with it so far and I might even hang it up later. There's a large amount of stickers, washi tape, and Steve Nicks lyrics which just makes it even better ;D. I made a ridiculous goal yesterday of finishing this in one day. I know now that it was an unreasonable goal for myself and my inner critic is being mean and saying that I should've been able to finish it. It's hard not to listen to that mean voice, but I'm trying to not let it bother me. I'm learning to forgive myself.
One thing that I did for myself today was to print out an emotion wheel. Emotions are a huge question mark to me, recognizing them, acknowledging them, voicing them, etc. It's so easy to just push them away and become an apathetic void, but I know this was just a bad skill I had in the past to protect myself from showing emotions to my abusers and to myself. Now though, I can look at my emotion wheel when I'm not sure what I'm feeling and pick out the words that fit best with me. So far it's been helpful! I hope it curbs my automatic response to feel nothing when I can't understand my emotions.
Wow, sunflower! You're making tons of progress! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:cheer: that's awesome! Sounds like a busy day! :hug:
:cheer: :applause:
August 5th ""
Had a long weekend of doing nothing and cleaning up a bit at home. Planned to do some stuff today and was actually excited to go places, but woke up feeling like I was coming down with a cold. I physically feel terrible and that doesn't help my mental health at all. The moment I actually wanted to do stuff something happens and I can't :fallingbricks: so frustrating
:hug: :hug: That happens to me too unfortunately.
:hug: no the feeling hope tomorrow is better. :grouphug:
August 6th ''''
Today was a practice of what my therapist and I have been talking about of "just because one hour of your day wasn't good doesn't mean all 24 hours of your day were bad". First half of my day was okay, feeling better physically, but ultimately was bored and didn't do anything. Then later after dinner something seemed to click in the right place and I felt like doing things. I ended up drawing on my wellness board and on a personal project. And it was great!! My inner critic voice which is usually quick to make any happy occasion miserable was very weak and quiet today. I was able to enjoy what I was doing and afterwards I felt so proud of myself I actually told myself out loud how proud of myself I was. I feel giddy with happiness, today was a small mental health achievement! :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
well done! :thumbup:
:cheer: :applause: :cheer: yeah
:cheer: :cheer: :woohoo:
August 10th -
I just need to let these memories go, like sand through my fingers. They're not useful to me anymore, they're in the past and they'll always be in the past. And I just want to let them go. They don't belong here. I'm so tired.
having those memories constantly rising up and hijacking your mind is exhausting! i've battled this for years. still am, altho it's diminished somewhat lately. sometimes, tho, i still have to shout them down.
sending love and a supportive hug filled with peace of mind. :hug:
:hug: I'm there with you. I wish there was a magic wand that would help us all.
August 13th ~
I've been feeling sad a lot lately and I feel guilty for feeling bad. I don't want to feel guilty about feeling sad or depressed. It's just my mind and body's way of saying that I need to take it easy and that I've been going through a lot. Today I didn't really do anything until the afternoon, where I felt the urge to go through my old sketchbooks and journals. I ended up crying a lot while looking through them. I didn't realize that I've been writing down the mental thoughts/problems that my trauma has given to me and things I'm working on with my therapist. I thought a lot of those years were spent being numb, but I was wrong, I was in a bad place trying to get better for years now. I wish I got help sooner, or talked to someone. I feel so bad for myself that I thought all of that unhealthy thinking, bad relationships, isolation, fear, etc. was normal. It's not, it's a sign of mental illness.
I haven't been working a lot on my art projects, there's not a whole lot of motivation there, I always feel like I'm not good enough, or that I don't deserve to enjoy the projects that I love working on. While I was going through my old journals I came across some quotes that I wrote down during my old critiques from a teacher who meant a lot to me, still does. He said a lot of good things about my art and myself, and reading these ended up making me cry for quite a while. I wish that kindness and support was given to me when I was younger.
I ended up writing a letter to my 2020 self. A lot of hopes and love to them. I want to feel a little better and to be kinder to myself. I also listed some good things that happened so far this year that I want to remind myself of. I hope I can look back on this year with kinder eyes and that I'm proud of my 2019 self. Right now I feel like an unending loop of mental-health-mental-illness-not-doing-great-I-need-help. I want to be kinder to myself. Being sad isn't bad. Grieving the pain that my poor child-self had to go through isn't bad. Wanting to try things as an adult that I never got to try as a kid isn't bad. Sharing my emotions with someone isn't bad. Taking the time to heal isn't bad. I don't need to force myself to suffer, no matter how much I think I deserve that.
I've been thinking about writing a letter to my younger self, for those twelve years that I lived a life I shouldn't have had to. I don't feel like starting a new thread in the appropriate place and I want it here so I'll just add it on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear younger me,
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. No one deserves that. You certainly didn't. I really wish I could hold you and hug you, tell you that everything is fine and you can grow up the way that you should have. You can have as many snacks after school as you want. I'm really proud of you for getting those F's in science class because I know you tried really really hard. You can hang up as many things on your walls as you want and you can even paint them. You can turn the oven on and roast marshmallows with mom like you used to, laughing about silly things and getting your fingers sticky. You can play dress up in the backyard with the dog and pretend you're on another planet. You can love the color pink as much as you want, and even glitter. You can be loud and outwardly emotional. You can cry over your bear that you lost at daycare that one time. You can play video games all day. You can paint all the pretty pictures you want, I'll hang them up on the fridge and mom will too. You never ever have to do sports again. You can have sleepovers with all of your friends. You can have friends. You can stay up late Friday night watching tv. You can do those bead projects that you like doing, mom will iron all of them for you. You are never a burden to anyone. You can keep your hair as long or as short as you want, you can even dye it. You can get those dinosaur chicken nuggets and pretend they're eating each other. You can keep a journal without the fear of anyone going through it. You can have as many hugs as you want. You can go to the park. You can have a bunch of stuffed animals. You can read whatever type of book you want. You never have to go anywhere that makes you scared. You can do anything that interests you. Anything. You can be brave. I really hope you never stop being brave.
I'm so sorry.
Love,
sunflower38
~~~~~~~~~~~
This took a lot out of me, and I cried some more, but I do feel better. I think I need to give my child-self a little more attention and love. She really needs it right now. I want to give her so many hugs and the type of childhood she deserves.
Beautiful, tender, precious letter.
Quote from: sunflower38 on August 14, 2019, 02:11:35 AM
I ended up writing a letter to my 2020 self. A lot of hopes and love to them. I want to feel a little better and to be kinder to myself. I also listed some good things that happened so far this year that I want to remind myself of. I hope I can look back on this year with kinder eyes and that I'm proud of my 2019 self. Right now I feel like an unending loop of mental-health-mental-illness-not-doing-great-I-need-help. I want to be kinder to myself. Being sad isn't bad. Grieving the pain that my poor child-self had to go through isn't bad. Wanting to try things as an adult that I never got to try as a kid isn't bad. Sharing my emotions with someone isn't bad. Taking the time to heal isn't bad. I don't need to force myself to suffer, no matter how much I think I deserve that.
Kindness, allowing feelings, trying new things, sharing emotions, taking time to heal ----- :cheer:
:hug: I hear you.
Glad you feel better after the letter and after the feeling and the crying :hug:
Sunflower, your last journal entry is amazing. So many insights, you're allowing yourself to feel, and you're looking after your younger and future selves. Wow.
notalone, Anjulie, and Snowdrop: thank you!! :grouphug:
I was able to do some releasing of negative energy through yoga this morning which was really nice. I ended up decluttering some things that no longer make me happy. I also went grocery shopping and treated myself to some sushi, which was really good! I'm trying to let myself heal in my own time instead of expecting myself to overcome years of trauma in a single hour like I have expected of myself so many times before. I have a lot to talk about in therapy in a couple days and I fully expect to cry, but I think it'll do me some good! 🌻
:hug: sunflower your letter made a tear come to my eye, and I don't usually cry that was beat out of me years ago. It was perfect what every inner child needs to hear. I saw this art picture the other day it has picture of a peacock and a little quote I put the quote on someone else's line too but it should go here to it's pretty great it's my wish for my kids.
"Have only one rule: Be your wild, Courageous, brilliant self every single day. No matter what. May you never fail to express all the wild and wonderous things you are."
Keep being nice to your littles. :hug:
August 15 ~~~
Had an EF yesterday night that lasted for 7 hours. It kept me up until 5 in the morning and at that point I was so exhausted I was able to sleep for a couple hours. Today has been a lot of ups and downs. I was able to go outside today to do some exercise and even went to a museum. On my drive home I started dissociating really badly and feeling panicky but then a mantra popped in my head. I kept repeating it in my head over and over, and eventually those feelings went away and I felt pretty present in the moment. I haven't felt this in a long time. It's baffling how something so simple could make my EF symptoms go away. I really hope it stays this way tonight, I really need sleep. Hopefully my therapist will help me tomorrow. :Idunno:
:hug: I hope you are able to rest as well. One moment at a time. Baby steps. :hug:
those EF's are gritches, for sure. i'm so glad for you that you were able to grab hold of that mantra to help you get back to ground. well done! :thumbup:
you are making progress - all those baby steps are helping. hope your session goes well tomorrow. love and hugs, my dear.
EFs are horrid. I'm glad you were able to recognise it for what at was, and also that the mantra was so helpful. :hug:
I hope you had a good night's sleep.
Thank you everyone for sending me those kind words :hug:
August 18 ~
My therapist appointment on Friday went really well. We came up with an extremely helpful coping plan for anytime I'm having an emotion or EF that I don't understand. I've tried it a few times and so far it's working, if anyone wants to try it here are the steps:
1. How do I feel?
2. Why do I think I feel this way?
3. Validation. It's okay to feel this way. I'm allowed to feel this way.
4. What are some positive affirmations I can tell myself?
5. What could I do to move myself into a comfortable, positive, motivational place?
We also worked on separating myself from the past so I can be in the present. Those things in the past, memories, old coping skills, beliefs, worries, don't do anything for present or future me. I need to learn to leave them behind. I changed some things about my routine now that I did when I was younger, those coping skills helped me feel safe then but now they make me think I'm still unsafe, and so far it's working. I've been sleeping really well! So far this weekend I've felt the most present than over the whole summer. I've made an effort to go outside to events and places that I've wanted to visit since moving. I think making myself stop my isolating tendencies has really helped with my mental stability. School starts in a week, and I'm really excited to meet new people. I hope I'm on a steady path upwards to recovery. I think I fell in enough pits for now. I want to live my life in the present instead of looking to the past hoping to find answers that will never be there.
I'm glad your appointment went so well. Those steps sound great, and hooray for sleep! :cheer:
Sounds great! All the best with school next week. Take care! :)
Good luck :hug:
QuoteI want to live my life in the present instead of looking to the past hoping to find answers that will never be there.
Sounds like a healthy goal! :cheer: