Out of the Storm

A new Journal for me out of the blue. I mean the idea came out of the blue this morning.

This is to be Journal where I do, where I act and note that, instead of discussing things with myself. At least I'll consciously try to take those actual steps.

The background to this new step was a discussion with my T on Wednesday and my thoughts since then. So I go 2-3 times per quarter. I could get more therapy, a T could apply for this for me, but for that I would have to find a new T. That's just part of health care regulations here. My T even gave me some names of therapists I could try in his own city. Yesterday on the forum somebody mentioned hoping for "Fix me" from someone. That's part of my scenario too. I admit it. So taking concrete steps is a way to practise the opposite.

I don't always do my T homework. My T is easy on that, knowing that neither internal and external pressure are good for me. He probably assumes I have to get there in my own time (as I'm doing now ;) ) even though that might take aaaaaages.

So what homework could I be doing:

1) Sitting with feelings instead of acting on them
2) Exploring my feelings when I have an urge to eat
3) Exploring my feelings just before I go food-shopping
4) Keep attempting 2. and 3. even though they're difficult and I can't feel much at all.

What steps of my own choosing could I be doing:
5) Practise very basic self-care e.g. going to bed early enough, brushing teeth regularly etc.
6) Adjust self-talk to reflect current reality not FOO's reality
7) Simple spontaneous yawning and stretching
8 ) Even singing/voice exercises? since they also involve yawning and stretching AND it's an area outside therapy where doing homework would be beneficial.

That's all that occurs to me for the moment. But it's enough.

I haven't done most of this. Just a bit of 2) while actually having my breakfast. Feeling into what I'm eating - what is this particular food doing for me nutrition-wise (answer: not much) and allowing myself to throw out the rest of it. And then eat some fruit - much healthier.

5) Very basic self-care would involve taking a shower and I haven't done that. Sometimes life gets in the way  ;)

Beyond that I did do other things so as to avoid showering. I even did some vacuuming, something else I tend to put off. I could do 1) here sometime: sit and feel into why I'm avoiding showering OR what I can do to propel myself into doing so anyway.

What I have done however is: Phone my landlord and negotiate further about work 'done' but not completed.
And after getting a date and time from the plumbers, I immediately wrote an email to my neighbour cc my landlord asking neighbour for access to her apartment on the day the plumbers are coming. I also found that handy button in my email program that allows me to require neigbour and landlord to confirm receipt. (The kind of thing I can't find when I need it. Maybe writing immediately after speaking to plumber helped me have that strength, Idk.)

Hi Blueberry, I really like the idea behind your journal. I might make mine an action focussed journal too.

Well done for getting that email sent.

Way to take action Blueberry good luck :cheer: :hug:

This is a great idea for a journal, Blueberry!

My therapist and I talk a lot about feelings and letting myself have emotions instead of bottling them up. Right now we're on the step of naming my emotions when they come to me (like, I am anxious. I feel frustrated. etc.). I don't do anything about the emotions when they come but I found that naming them helps me for some reason.

Nice job on sending out that email! Have you ever tried stimming?

nice idea, blueberry.  an action journal.

you mentioned something about an action taken in my journal the other day, and i was impressed that you noted that and acknowledged it.  i hadn't thought of it that way, but i can see how it has benefitted me in my life.  so i pass that along to you, the encouragement and support for action as a means of dealing w/ our stressors, symptoms, thoughts, and feelings.  well done, sweetie!   :thumbup:  love and a hug full of action - as much as you need when you need it.   :hug:

:applause: :applause: :applause:  *yoink!* (that's the sound of me stealing your idea!)  :bigwink:

Quote from: sunflower38 on July 19, 2019, 01:53:56 PM
Have you ever tried stimming?

I doubt it because I don't know what stimming even is! ;)

Hi Blueberry,
I like the title of your new Journal, and I'd like to wish you the best with taking those concrete and beneficial steps.   :cheer:
Also sending you a hug, and want you to know how grateful I am that you're here, and that I wish you the best going forward and taking those steps.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Stimming is pretty much what you listed earlier of yawning/stretching/moving. I think of it as just moving the body in any way as an impulse to deal with emotions or feeling overwhelmed. Some pretty common ones are tapping a pencil, biting nails, chewing gum, playing with hair, etc. If my mind feels jumbled and there's too much going on I like to get up and just move my whole body around or do some stretches.

Congrats on your new journal and your continued journey!  :hug:

Quote from: sunflower38 on July 19, 2019, 09:56:07 PM
Stimming is pretty much what you listed earlier of yawning/stretching/moving. I think of it as just moving the body in any way as an impulse to deal with emotions or feeling overwhelmed. Some pretty common ones are tapping a pencil, biting nails, chewing gum, playing with hair, etc. If my mind feels jumbled and there's too much going on I like to get up and just move my whole body around or do some stretches.

Moving my body to deal with emotions is good if I get up and move spontaneously however the impulses are. But I try to be aware of and stop any movement leading to self-harm. Playing with hair leads me to start pulling it out, which is definitely a no-no though I still do it fairly often, so is scratching. Biting nails is self-harm which I fortunately managed to stop doing at some point.

Sometimes when my mind feels jumbled I do something easy but constructive with my hands like wash the dishes or pull moss out of the grass in the garden or even do some weeding. Often while washing dishes I listen to music and move around spontaneously to that too while the dishes sit in the sink ;) waiting for me.

It's interesting that you mention chewing gum! Maybe my over-eating is a type of stimming, at least partially? Anyway that's something I will explore elsewhere. This is my action Journal.

Quote from: Three Roses on July 19, 2019, 02:51:36 PM
:applause: :applause: :applause:  *yoink!* (that's the sound of me stealing your idea!)  :bigwink:

It's not copyrighted or patented.  You're welcome to start your own. :bigwink:

Thanks so much Hope! Putting my Mod hat on briefly - it's heart-warming to hear from time to time that my presence and activity here are appreciated whether moderating or doing my own posts. Mod hat off again. I think you have recently started a new Journal too and I wish you continued healing as you move forward. :hug: :hug:

Thanks to you san and Deep Blue too, Tee and LittleBlueBird.  :) :)  :grouphug:

Quote from: Blueberry on July 19, 2019, 08:21:26 AM
Therapy homework
1) Sitting with feelings instead of acting on them
2) Exploring my feelings when I have an urge to eat
3) Exploring my feelings just before I go food-shopping
4) Keep attempting 2. and 3. even though they're difficult and I can't feel much at all.

What steps of my own choosing could I be doing:
5) Practise very basic self-care e.g. going to bed early enough, brushing teeth regularly etc.
6) Adjust self-talk to reflect current reality not FOO's reality
7) Simple spontaneous yawning 

I attempted 3) though didn't get very far ie. didn't feel anything. But I tried. Did again in the grocery store and at least avoided any impulse buying so that's a success
I did 2) after I got back from grocery store before I even put the few items away. I did it using a new method somebody told me about yesterday. The method got me onto 7) yawning right away. Earlier in the day I did some of 5) by getting up and staying up and finally having a shower and washing my hair. Also washed the dishes. doing that semi-regularly helps keep me out of depression and makes sensible, healthy eating easier.

Also did a few other items off my To Do list, things I don't do that often e.g. took some stuff to a charity shop and looked around for some additional tops for me while there. I didn't buy anything that sort of fit but not very well. Didn't slip back into old behaviour:cheer: Keeping clear of FOO beliefs like "it's only Blueberry, it doesn't matter". Not that that was always their attitude towards my clothing but in some clothing contexts and that's what stuck. Tried on 6 tops, bought 1. Might have bought a 2nd one if it had been cheaper. Decided it wasn't my choice at that price.  :applause: I and what I decide and my clothing choices do matter!

I also had a little chat with one of my new neighbours. His predecessors moved out and left a bunch of stuff especially painting supplies. I put some of that out for garbage collection on Thursday; some of the stuff actually got collected some didn't, because packaged wrong, wrong type on wrong day etc. Instead of taking it back into the building on Thursday afternoon, I decided to act like everybody else in the building and ignore it. So my neighbour in the building, also with a little business, asked me about it today and I got him as far as saying he'll deal with it. He even produced the correct sack for one type of garbage, after claiming he didn't have that type of sack. He asked me what day that type gets collected and I told him where to go to find it out (don't know off by heart myself!) and suggested he could ask anybody else in the building since everybody else gets a garbage collection schedule annually, the same as me and his predecessors.

He wasn't especially happy about any of it because having a pile of garbage outside his business (though not blocking the door) could put customers off, doesn't look nice etc. I know all about that and have written on here extensively about it and how neighbours didn't see any problem with dumping their garbage outside my office.  I said to the neighbour today that this way I got his attention and it's the only way to do so.

I'm remembering back to explaining to people (possibly even FOO) that the only way to show B1 I didn't agree with his use of PA was to refuse to talk to him, which I kept up for a good number of months though we both still lived in the same house with FOO. They certainly noticed but didn't change their behaviour. This time not only did my neighbour notice, but he also acted on it after a short period of denial and refusal etc. So here I'm doing 6) too - adjusting self-talk along with noticing that dealing with neighbour was not as bad as dealing with FOO. I didn't feel as if I was banging my head on a brick wall with frustration and still not getting anywhere.

 :cheer: :applause: :cheer:
Good job Blueberry
Keep up the good self care!
:hug:

 :yourock:

wow, blueberry, you are really moving right along w/ your action focus.  kudos to you for knowing you do matter - i'm just coming to that for myself as well, and seeing you talking about it reinforced that point for me.  thanks for sharing that.

well done, my dear.   :thumbup:  love and a hug full of acknowledgment for your progress.   :hug:

Good job being aware and giving yourself credit for you efforts.  :applause:

I noticed this evening how supremely difficult it is for me to remain in my body and to keep observing and/or feeling. So I think I need to take Points 1, 2, and 3 slowly and a little bit at a time, building up as I go. It's certainly beneficial to notice this, but also to remember Point 4: Keep attempting. It may not always work, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try again.

I did some more of 6 this evening in the sense that I stopped ruminating on the latest interaction with my neighbour and the garbage problem. I did and said what I did. That brought about a change in my neighbour's understanding of various things and a change in his actions. It also brought a little change in me. End of story. Get on with other stuff. :thumbup:

Today I didn't take a concrete beneficial step.  Well, Idk, maybe I did? I thought to myself having not gone to my doc's for a blood test that at least I could feel into why not. There was a one-word answer: "the needle". There is actually some medical trauma behind that, but I thought it was dealt with. Apparently not. So I guess, yes, I did do that one beneficial step, I just didn't explore any further. NTS: the one step on its own is enough! Especially considering the way it turned up: one clear word in a fog and nothing else.

I thought to myself that it would also be beneficial to do a round of eFT on forgiving or at least accepting myself for not going to the doc's, but I haven't done that. I feel so ashamed for not getting up and going. So ashamed I didn't even phone my doc's receptionists to apologise. It's not the first time I've not gone :'( I'll end this now and at least attempt the EFT.

Baby steps Blueberry baby steps.   :hug: you know why missed that's good.  Give yourself some time it'll will be ok.  They will call you later to reschedule.
People miss all the time.

Thanks for hug and reminder of baby steps and that I'm not the only one, Tee. They actually won't call to reschedule. I'm going to have to deal with that myself.

Having written on here that I'd attempt EFT, I did do so :thumbup: and continued through with an alteration to the first sentence instead of giving up. I first tried "I accept myself for missing my appointment" but that didn't resonate so I changed to "I accept myself for missing my appointment because of the needle"  which really resonated. I started yawning like crazy. Then came "I accept and forgive myself..." so a further concrete step. Possibly I need to try again tomorrow to reinforce or just wait a while, Idk. I still cower into myself at the thought of phoning the doc's office.

But at least I'm impressing more and more into my brain - strengthening those pathways - of: I am able to change things for myself. I am not powerless and helpless.  :thumbup: :cheer:

 :cheer: you are strong and capable! Yeah for steps forward no matter the size. :cheer: :hug: :applause:

Quote from: Blueberry on July 23, 2019, 05:36:01 PM
But at least I'm impressing more and more into my brain - strengthening those pathways - of: I am able to change things for myself. I am not powerless and helpless.  :thumbup: :cheer:

Agreed Blueberry.  :cheer: Using the tools at hand shows great strength.  I'm inspired by your success with EFT and by your perseverance. Stay strong.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 23, 2019, 05:36:01 PM
I changed to "I accept myself for missing my appointment because of the needle"  which really resonated. I started yawning like crazy. Then came "I accept and forgive myself..." so a further concrete step.

But at least I'm impressing more and more into my brain - strengthening those pathways - of: I am able to change things for myself. I am not powerless and helpless.  :thumbup: :cheer:

Fantastic awareness and great self-care. Good for you!  :cheer:

 :hug: :applause:

Thanks to all for cheering me on! It helped me when I came on and thought: maybe my head feels like it's spinning round and I can hardly write anything because I've just been moving forwards?? Could be.

Today when out and about it occurred to me that I could attempt Screen Processing on the traumatic needle episode and see if that helps. Maybe I still need to do more work on it with my T too, but before my next appointment I could try and reduce the impact.

all credit to you, blueberry.  honestly, i'm seeing so much determination in you that wasn't there before.  maybe determination isn't the right word, but you are systematically moving forward, urging yourself on, continuing on this path of action, and it does you great credit.   :thumbup:  this blueberry is showing strength and courage, even in the rough moments, even when you aren't all the way there.  you're still coming back, making another attempt.  well done!!!   :applause:

sending love and a big hug full of shame-removal solution - paying it forward!   :bighug:

This is a continuation from Three Good Things a Day. The list expanded so quickly once I got going that I decided to put it here. These Good Things are a result of the steps I've been taking recently  :)  :cheer:

5. Learning/discovering some new skills at the farm as well as on computer which means blockages are unblocking  :)  :thumbup:
6. I'm better able to persevere in face of difficulty both at the farm and on the computer. This involves difficulty with machines and my hands, a huge topic resulting from various types of abuse.
7. I'm feeling the positive emotional affect of 5. and 6. I think sense of 'self-agency' in English. I feel better grounded and more a competent adult than a useless child. Aha! That means I'm seeing myself thru present day much healthier eyes instead of through FOO eyes. 
:thumbup: :applause: :cheer:
8. The letter the Tenants' Association sent to my landlord was suprisingly to the point, especially considering how triggering the appointment with the TA turned out. So obviously after their initial "don't think we can act here, you've already dealt with plumbing problem", they re-thought and made a good case for a few other problems I mentioned
9. I defended myself and my thoughts at the TA. I did not allow myself to be bulldozed.
10. I see my gardening neighbour planting more and more garden i.e. taking it over AND I'm staying pretty calm as well as talking to other neighbours in my head: "You have to deal with this. It's not my job. I'm not allowing you to move further into my space either in compensation. That's not on the cards!"
11. I started my contract work yesterday and I found some of it even kind of interesting. I have a solution for this evening if I'm still tying myself in knots: phone the farm and go up with the first bus tomorrow morning instead of tonight. That will lower my stress levels. It will also mean I won't be on hand to help so much with the first farm task, but such is life for the farm. My paid work always takes priority.

And more:

Thursday I asked my previous ll , a builder working on the house next door, if he would mind parking somewhere other than in front of my office and asking his other contract workers (e.g. plumbers) to do so too. When they park their tradesman vans outside my office nobody can see my advertising and it cuts light. There are other buildings in the road they could park in front of or at least do turn and turn about. Previous ll was friendly about it, said he'd pass the message on, though sometimes all possible spaces are taken up. Friday nobody parked in front of my office!! It worked. No aggro or stress involved.  :)

After some initial difficulty, my new business neighbour and I are building better rapport. However I'm mindful of not helping him too much, even if he asks. I don't have to act on his "You musts help to me to find an apartment in this town" and I won't except by correcting the major language mistakes in passing, since he's already asked me how he can improve his command of the local language. That I can do. But no free teaching, sorry.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause:
So many big steps in personal confidence! You are rocking this blueberry! Keep going. :hug: :cheer: :cheer: :wave: :applause:

Thanks Tee! :)

Going to the doctor's today was a concrete beneficial step as was deciding to discuss why I didn't go to my appointment last week.


***Trigger Warning ***  Medical trauma

I find I can hardly write now. My brain has gone all fuzzy. I mentioned it last week  - medical trauma revolving round a 'needle', presumably blood draw but I can't remember exactly. My doc was very understanding about it and suggested various ways through which I could lower the threshhold a bit, make it easier to go. Blood draw is usually an early morning thing but it can be done in the evening too and that's better than no blood draw at all.

The last few times I hadn't taken the situation seriously enough and agreed to have it done sitting up instead of lying down as I used to. My doc mentioned that when you're lying down you're more relaxed but when you're sitting up you feel more in control. Could I feel which is better? Lying down still feels better because I turn away and drift off rather than forcing myself through it. So I'm allowing myself to dissociate briefly to get through it. That's OK. I come round again really fast again. When sitting up I don't feel I have much control in the situation. I mean you just have to go through with it, I can't say I'd like a 2 minute break the way I theoretically could at the dentist's. Oh there's that 'have to' as in 'must' or 'should'.

My doc asked if the pain was the problem and without feeling further in I said that that couldn't be it because there's hardly any pain involved. He was thinking about the past though and what it could be like for a little child!! This is my GP, not a trauma specialist, so Wow! Though of course children come to his practice.

I actually felt totally exhausted just before I went to the doctor's and I slept afterwards. Maybe the two are connected?

I wrote about my medical trauma a good while ago on this thread: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=6617.0

I can't write anymore about it now. It's too much.

 :applause: :hug: proud of you for going.  Hope you can rest now.

Proud of you for going back for the blood draw. I know that was really difficult. No wonder you are exhausted. Be soothing and caring to yourself. I'm glad you have that doctor and amazed by his understanding response.   :hug:

Wow Blueberry. You are so brave. Really some amazing work. Showing up for you, naming the trauma, allowing yourself to be cared for. And to have someone--a GP, show up for you in that way. That's such a confirmation of where you are at. Calling in that interaction, that level of care, because that is the kind of care you deserve.

I hope you got some rest and are feeling better.  :hug:

Thank you all Tee, notalone and Moonbeam! Your comments are making me feel a little sad, or maybe I'm feeling a little pain again. But that's good because I can feel 'tears behind my eyes' again. Since I have trouble crying as a form of grieving, feeling I'd like too is beneficial in itself. Partially the comments are going a little over my head atm but they will sink in better in time. Just the fact that you care to respond caringly is probably enough in itself.

I mean in the original trauma situation nobody responded caringly, not even M. I was left alone emotionally in an overwhelming situation. I wasn't even allowed to take my teddy bear with me. That I remember most clearly, the nurse telling me to put him down again and to follow her alone into a room, not for the blood draw^FN but for an xray. It was all during the same appointment though. A few years ago I was able to confirm with M that there had been a needle involved. Cognitively I only remembered the minutes preceding the xray with some vague memory about being seated before that and 'something happening' and the area seeming grey rather than lit up. It would have been lit though. Grey is just a memory protection for me. M didn't remember the xray incident (though she didn't deny it; she believed me since nobody in FOO had been involved) but she remembered the blood draw incident.

Today there was no blood draw, I just went for what would have been an appointment to discuss the lab results and anything else about my ongoing emotional healing. My GP didn't even want me to set a new appointment for blood draw until I can say spontaneously "Now's the time", otherwise it seems too much like 'have to'. This is good of course. Now I have time to let things from today settle and evolve. It was really difficult to go back today anyway, just with shame from not going the time before. I helped myself a little though by managing to phone my GP yesterday.

Thank heavens I'm not in contact with FOO atm because that would make everything harder.

^FNI'm pretty sure they were taking blood to do an examination of it back then, rather than giving me an injection. With either I get triggered these days.

I'm so glad your GP is so caring.  You can do this on your time. :hug:

Standing with you  :hug:

doc appts., well, what can i say.  congrats to you that you were able to finally go.   :thumbup:  i've had doc experiences when i was younger as well, not fun, not supported, either, so i can totally relate.  you did good.  i don't think you need to carry shame for not going.  part of the process, sweetie.  thanks for sharing.  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and comfort.

Concrete beneficial steps:

8 ) Even singing/voice exercises? since they also involve yawning and stretching AND it's an area outside therapy where doing homework would be beneficial.

I'm taking singing lessons again, just on and off rather than signing up for a year or anything. That involves yawning, stretching and feeling physical sensations and staying in my body.

Yesterday I lowered the hurdle for myself by getting the train both ways instead of combo train and bike. I paid for the luxury of being taken there.  :)

I looked after myself during the lesson by not allowing myself to get overwhelmed by difficult exercises. At the same time I noticed my frustration tolerance level was higher than I had expected. I also explained why a couple of exercises were especially difficult, so my teacher modified them a bit to make them easier that day and/or explained the intention of the exercise. (Not that she doesn't do that often anyway, but this time I was actively showing I needed those kinds of explanations).

I stayed in bed late today because I needed it, obviously. Still dealing with needle trauma. Half the time I don't even know that's what it was. I just remember there was something this week. I feel sooo tired.

 :applause: :cheer: taking care of Blueberry! Enjoy your day!

 :yeahthat:

nicely done, sweetie!   :thumbup:  love and  :hug:

I hope you have a relaxing and calming day! I also have medical trauma, but have no idea how to bring it up to my therapist. Hopefully one day I can. Actively taking the hard steps for yourself is amazing, I really hope you see the progress that you're making :hug:

One bit of progress today was simply allowing myself to be. Lying in bed under a thin blanket dozing, sometimes reading a book I know pretty well already.

Another memory re-surfaced of a punch on the nose, but this time the mother of the boy who did it told him in no uncertain terms that that was not OK. He was going to get lines when he got home. "Who from?" he asked rather belligerently. "From me." replied his mother simply.

He was in my class at school and his mother was ferrying a car-full of children somewhere, probably on some outing. I was the last to be collected and got to sit in the front seat. He leaned through and punched me on the nose about the time I entered the car. I probably got a nosebleed, I usually did. But what struck me is that his own mother told him that his behaviour was totally out of order. I mentioned the incident when I got home and M downplayed it. His mother chastised him because she was transporting somebody else's child in her car :blahblahblah:. But Idk the mother seemed quite practised in reacting quickly. She didn't even yell or get particularly loud. She just told him the consequence of his action, in front of his friends who were with him in the backseat.

So glad you got to see a normal reaction to inappropriate behavior! Wish you'd gotten the same from your m.  :hug:

More concrete beneficial steps, though not those listed at the top of the thread:

I made myself a fairly healthy supper. I washed the dishes, they weren't just from today either. I boiled up some potatoes and parsnips that needed it. I'll make them into something tomorrow. But at least one step is accomplished. This is all means that I'm putting one foot in front of the other to get back on track.

Earlier on I went down into the garden to just have a little look around at what is growing and/or ripening in my beds.

All appropriate beneficial steps with the kind of state I'm in atm.

 :cheer: :hug: :hug:

Thanks all for support and validation. :grouphug:

I'm continuing the concrete beneficial steps of not doing much. Or of allowing myself to rest and allowing myself to feel what I want to do, not what I should do. I should go up to the farm tonight but since I haven't managed to leave the house by the front door since Friday afternoon, that strikes me as being overly optimistic. And not even necessary. Yes, they could do with me tomorrow but when I fill in the form to apply to extend my disability pension there's a question: "Have you worked when you didn't feel well enough? If so, why?" So I'm asking myself 'Why go if I know I'm not well enough?' A sense of obligation. I said I would. BUT after saying that I got unwell, really unwell. That's one of the reasons why I'm not in the normal workforce.

Also when the way between here and the farm seems very loooooong, an almost unbridgeable distance, then I'm not totally in my Adult. I could maybe spend the next few hours desperately trying to get back into my Adult but that feels like forcing. Often I just need time.

The itches all over are just heat rash (though that doesn't explain why the mere thought of getting on with my plans caused a flare-up). Shower and hairwash would be beneficial, and also a concrete step that takes a lot of effort. I do have a couple of things I need to attend to for two adult students. I'm trying to convince myself that in one case I want to. Got a start on it last night but it was really difficult. I tried to do some laundry today but didn't get as far as putting it in the machine.

Now I remember: that kind of stuff goes on before bits of me begin to split up. It's as if part of me sorts the clothes and imagines another part of me is putting them in the machine. So my task today is remaining in my body and not having bits of me drifting in and out. The way to achieve that mostly involves sitting tight at home. Going into the garden (as I have already done) can be good too but not with any bigger plans than wandering about and seeing what's growing.

On Thursday I'm going to a few days of intensive group therapy, a place I quite often go to. I was registered to go in May but I got really sick, with a temperature and everything. I wasn't in a fit state to travel at all. So this is my make-up session instead. I certainly want to be well enough to travel and to use the time productively. I'm actually leaving home on Tuesday and visiting a friend en route. I've already decided to arrive at her place later than she would consider 'normal' e.g. early evening instead of just after lunch. So bit by bit I'm taking care of me.

 :applause: take care of you Blueberry your important. Enjoy a restful day. :cheer:

Thank you Tee! I'm getting better at it.  :)

_________________________________________

I didn't go up to the farm. I had a couple of things to take back up there which I passed onto somebody else going up tonight. So I did manage to get out of the house and go to the train station to hand those things over. I feel together as in: I'm not splitting up. That was my goal for today. So it's reached.

It was good to have a brief chat with my farm colleague and his wife. Saturday I didn't talk to anybody.

I got myself an ice-cream on the way home. That worked out quite well, eating disorder-wise. I was happy with the flavour I chose and didn't feel afterwards as if I wanted to eat all ice-cream in sight or try out every flavour.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 19, 2019, 08:21:26 AM
So what homework could I be doing:

1) Sitting with feelings instead of acting on them

What steps of my own choosing could I be doing:

5) Practise very basic self-care e.g. going to bed early enough, brushing teeth regularly etc.
6) Adjust self-talk to reflect current reality not FOO's reality

1) I'm allowing my feelings and my general state atm to just be. I wouldn't say I'm even sitting with them. I'm acknowledging that they're there but then I do other things, slowly as I'm able. I'm not eating them down though and that's a huge step forward. I don't actually have much impulse to, though a little bit sometimes.

5) Though I'm not doing too well with the examples up above, I am taking my meds and making myself healthy food to eat, and doing so. I also finally showered and washed my hair.

6) My self-talk is fairly self-accepting atm. It's certainly not self-damning, nor is my attitude. I know I've been in these kinds of phases before, I know I'll come out the other side again. There's no point in haranguing myself for not continuing the forward steps I had in mind atm, nor is there any point in giving up e.g. my office or my work.

These are all steps forward of their own. 

Hi Blueberry,
:hug:   
Hope  :)

 :hug: there's still some steps forward there even little steps are steps. :cheer:

Two concrete beneficial steps today already, and one connected realisation.

In the retreat I came up with quite a few new Attitude Changes. One is "I'm not your therapist." This was directed internally at a previous friend of mine to whom I've written quite a few Recovery Letters. I was thinking that it would be good to reduce posting to others on here, or at least not feeling almost compelled to leap in and write about my experience to help another mbr. Lots of others on OOTS to do that. I've been at that point before. Good to be aware of. I'm not stopping Modding and I'm not leaving the forum, no worries.

But there's more to this. To my new business neighbour: "I'm not your business start-up assistant, I'm not your language assistant, who'll phone the utilities company for you." The concrete beneficial step was: I refused to help even a step further. I realised NO! My own goal rn is more important to me. (I wanted to listen to one of the trauma healing podcasts before they were taken down about half an hour ago.) I didn't have time to help him. I did of course briefly - showed him where his gas meter is - but then "No! I'm not phoning them for you." He thanks me for the help, when I give it, and goes on about my 'good heart'. Today I said I need my good helping heart chiefly for myself, and closed the door.  :cheer:

Before I went on the retreat, I asked him for an easy, return favour for what I'd just done for him: Could he empty my letter box while I was away if it was overflowing. He gave a long explanation of why he didn't want to do that kind of thing (I didn't understand it, but his knowledge of the local language is shaky). I did understand that he didn't want to do it, but I pushed for him to do it this once, and he did.

Realisation: "I don't need your overflowing thanks and huge expressions of gratitude (maybe even 'charming' words, manipulating words, like 'good heart'?), I need reciprocal help." A brief thank-you is certainly good - I give that too. But it's not enough for the energy I expend helping others. So that's a person where I'll certainly need to watch and maintain the boundary, or pull it tighter.

 :hug: take care of you

Thanks Tee :) I'm working on it.

Another thing today with my business neighbour: he repeated his request from last week that I tell him how much my monthly utilities are. These are two separate bills and Idk them off by heart. I put him off till the afternoon, though actually I needed more time. Anyway I gave him the electricity amount but couldn't find the gas amount because I could see two on my account balance -  :aaauuugh: never noticed that before. Better phone the gas utilities company. They were mystified until I realised that the second gas amount I was seeing was actually the electricity amount I'd quoted to my neighbour. That might all sound very convuluted but it quite often happens to me that I can't read/understand or sort my bank statements and that type of document.

The realisation: it really is important for me to put myself first, especially after a healing retreat!! Good that I didn't go to the farm this early morning. I did consider it. Beneficial step not doing that.  :)

QuoteI don't need your overflowing thanks and huge expressions of gratitude (maybe even 'charming' words, manipulating words, like 'good heart'?), I need reciprocal help.

:yeahthat:

Talk is cheap - show me with your actions if you want me to listen. Excellent realization!  :applause:

Quote from: Three Roses on August 12, 2019, 04:45:48 PM
Talk is cheap - show me with your actions if you want me to listen. Excellent realization!  :applause:

;D Thanks for giving me different words for the realisation! It's a bit like over at OOTF: "When people show you who they are, believe them." Different variants of the same meaning probably speak to different parts of me, so, yeah, big thanks here to you, 3R.

i echo what 3r said, and congratulate you, blueberry, on these realizations.  the idea of reciprocation is near and dear to my heart.  like you said, we need something back to help refuel us in order to get our energy level back up where it belongs.  people who ask and ask and ask but don'e give back in kind are drainers, and we end up paying the price.

well done, blueberry.   :thumbup:  love and hugs to you full of continuing boundaries.

More steps:

As soon as I got on the computer, I wrote down on a piece of paper what I want to do: check business emails; check weather forecast; OOTS. Done, in that order. When I check my business emails I can see if any private ones have come. I saw a response from the retreat T to comments of mine on the weekend and how Narc Male was treated in respect to me. Having the little list helped me to ignore the email for the moment. I'll read it later. Don't have to deal with it now.

Awareness: I'm practising it. My slow pace in life is a form of awareness, even though I often rush around, presumably to cover up the awareness again. At the retreat a number of other participants gave me feedback on how self-aware I am and how much they'd like to get there too. I hadn't seen it that way at all in the last few years in fact I thought I maybe needed to do a course in mindfulness. Apparently not. It's in me already, just waiting to be implemented bit by bit at home as well.

My awareness is leading me to the right tasks for the moment. I've been cleaning in odd corners that I wouldn't otherwise have thought of. Not everything at once, just bit by bit. I've also thought of getting a woman from the LETS group in to clean basic things like floors. That would really help, freeing up time and energy for cleaning and tidying up in those odd corners, drawers, boxes etc

Another concrete step: I'm taking a little break before my next appointment because I realised I'm not up to the task I'd set myself: phoning a publisher's to inquire about some books. I realised my mind was going all fuzzy like when I phoned the power company a couple of days ago. So best leave it till I'm better grounded.

I'm keeping on conversing with my stuffed therapy animals, which is still beneficial. And I'm continuing being mindful when eating.

Still mindful about eating, and eating fairly healthily too.

Yesterday I ran a number of errands including two where I felt my energy drain away, but I went and did them anyway and when I was successful, my energy came back  :cheer:

Today I dropped by on my landlord (instead of emailing or phoning) and asked: When are you going to finally get my shutters installed properly again??

He was nice about it in a way that makes it hard for me to go through with deducting 10% off the rent for August in September. It's too late to do it for August, but he didn't respond to the letter the Tenants' Association sent him and in that there was a threat of taking some of the money off the rent if he didn't respond by a specific date, since past. So I know cognitively it's best to follow through with it but emotionally it's difficult. He did the "Poor me, I've got so many properties and tenants to look after" so I feel guilty. Undoubtedly that's why he's doing it.

I said to him that if he'd bothered to answer my emails over the months and say "I hear you but I can't get contractors in for e.g. 3 weeks" that would have been acceptable for me, but just ignoring all my attempts to get a response?  :no: :no: That just gives me more work. He also showed me the bill for the work done on the exterior of the building "Just look at what I've spent on improving the look of the building". I retorted that I'm not the only one in the building, not the only one to profit. It was completed at least a month ago, except that the contractors didn't put my shutters and a few things like that back up and I can't do it myself. It's not my fault his contractors didn't complete the work properly.

I hope having written that here it'll help me stay strong about this.

Atm I'm continuing to pace myself and complete things off my To Do list, some of which have been on it for months. I did have a nap in the afternoon because totally exhausted, but then I got up again and continued. Little bit by little bit, I'm doing odd bits of cleaning, clearing 'piles' off my floor, throwing some things out. I went to an absolutely fantastic concert of baroque music this evening. I really enjoyed it! So it's not all work and no play either.  :)

 :cheer: yeah for self care.  Good luck with your landlord, and sticking to your needs. :hug:

Blueberry, sounds like you are doing a good job of being mindful, getting things done, and being aware of your needs and taking care of yourself.  :cheer:

Thanks notalone and Tee!  :)

_____________________________

I woke up tired and remained pretty sleepy and/or yawning-tired most of the day. I got the reasons down to three: (1) the fact that I'm looking after pets this weekend; (2) the fact that it looks as if I'm either going to have to clean the toilet I share with the other business premises all the time or 'discuss' proper and regular cleaning with the new business; (3) it feels as if too many things are piling up and I'm getting behind

One concrete beneficial step accomplished: Feeling into all of this.

The next steps would involve doing EFT on (1) and (3). Probably on (2) too. That would be "I accept and forgive myself even though cleaning toilets exhausts me". It really does exhaust me beyond what would be normal. Idk what's behind it. Maybe a few days after EFT, Screen Processing?

Further steps to mitigate (3):  Determine most important and easiest to accomplish tasks for next 18 hours and just keep going bit by bit. Pretty high on that list is going to bed ;)

Quote from: Blueberry on August 17, 2019, 10:38:22 PM
I got the reasons (for tiredness) down to three: (1) the fact that I'm looking after pets this weekend; (2) the fact that it looks as if I'm either going to have to clean the toilet I share with the other business premises all the time or 'discuss' proper and regular cleaning with the new business; (3) it feels as if too many things are piling up and I'm getting behind

I'm tired today too but that's partly due to farm work yesterday. From the above list, (3) still feels like a problem. Though a few  minutes ago I checked the calendar to remind myself there are 3 more weeks of school holiday, a period in which I always have less work/more time so I don't need to be panicking about the time running away yet. Reality checks are good! The other business in the building took the week off so (2) is not something I need to deal with this week. It's no longer the weekend so I'm no longer looking after those pets at their house.

Quote from: Blueberry on August 17, 2019, 10:38:22 PM
The next steps would involve doing EFT on (1) and (3). Probably on (2) too. That would be "I accept and forgive myself even though cleaning toilets exhausts me". It really does exhaust me beyond what would be normal. Idk what's behind it. Maybe a few days after EFT, Screen Processing?

I didn't do any of this :thumbdown: Even for the points which aren't problematic this week, it would be good to do EFT, because they're not actually solved, even if below the surface again.

Some beneficial concrete stuff I got done in the last few days: Today I finally had a bath and washed my hair, twice in fact. I feel much better now, especially about my hair. I added a few comfrey leaves from the garden to the bath water since they are supposed to alleviate itching and it has helped. I used those leaves a couple of days ago too, where it also helped.

Today I returned a tool to a friend. I cycled there the direct way but I came back a slightly longer but prettier route, along the bottom of a hill and past colourful gardens. So I got a little fresh air and exercise and did something I enjoy. Baby steps only!

My meals were none too healthy today and I was only mindful of the fact that I was not caring about eating my feelings down, BUT I did remember later on that I can choose to return to healthier mindful eating at ANY time so I had some salad in the evening. Reading back on here also reminded me to converse with my stuffed animals!!

I spent a lot of the day sleeping and dozing but I'm accepting that I needed that for some reason.

From the last few days: I bought some much needed new clothing in the sales  :cheer: Trying on and buying clothing is really difficult for me, exhausting.

I applied to do a couple of pieces of contract work. I didn't actually get either of them, but I tried.

I got a bunch of stuff like sheets and skirts mended, by the new business. Some of them had been waiting around for me to do them for a year or more, so this feels really good!

I got on with some work in my old flower/herb bed in the garden, the one I've taken back. In that way, I'm reclaiming it and showing everybody that it's mine. I'm showing a boundary, even tho I'll undoubtedly say it at some point too. I was able to prune things further back than I usually am (aka 'getting rid of things').

 :hug: :cheer: :applause: nice job Blueberry big steps!

Those sound like very good practical steps.  :cheer:

I stayed in bed half the day on Thursday and on Wednesday I slept all afternoon, having got up really early to go to therapy. It's now in the early hours on Friday and I haven't done my therapy homework yet.

A new version of EFT: using it to reinforce a good memory. I'm meant to be tapping through "I'm being protected" every day for the next 2 weeks. 1-3 rounds. I did one round in T on Wed. and yawned like crazy. It's meant to partially heal both the needle trauma, other physical trauma e.g. CPA from B1, and some of that stuff from Narc Male and the feeling of not being protected enough from him / taken seriously enough.

My therapist doesn't cease to amaze me. He was actually surprised I have decided to stay with him for the next while.  I said from a new therapist I'd anticipate the question What they could give me, that current therapist has not done so far? (cuz I've been asked that kind of thing before when trying out new therapist, going to another inpatient place etc) So I'd try harder to do my homework and get on with suggestions from current therapist. But my current therapist said his answer to my question is: a new therapist could offer me weekly appointments and go a lot deeper and help me more along the way with things like eating disorder, which I'm beginning to look at. Looking at it and discussing progress every 6 weeks isn't ideal, especially when you're still in the middle of healing and not sort of at the end and beginning to wrap up loose ends. My therapist said that the pace I'm going at is my correct pace and it's not because I'm slow, or dumb or lazy  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: It's just the time I need to heal.

So much stuff I learned and absorbed in years of non-trauma-informed T appears to be wrong. All that self-accountability stuff and those direct questions designed to shake me up or remove me out of my 'comfort zone' which was undoubtedly actually a protection zone. So I'm a bit nervous about trying out a new therapist in case they don't work and think like this one. I'm actually not planning to take that concrete step right away, and I don't have to either.

I suppose I needed to stay in bed Thurs. morning. I did quite a bit of tidying in the afternoon, and after that cleaning floors. So that was beneficial. Later on some gardening. The 2 Little Furries were delivered Thurs. I've already been talking to them and picking food for them.

All the best with unlearning the old bad therapy, and moving forward with new and better. I hope your new T works out too, when you decide to go that way. You're a real inspiration with all you manage to get done. Good job! :)

Thanks for that feedback, Jazzy. Me, an inspiration! That old ICr. doesn't think so but what does it know??
_______________________________________

I'm feeling fed up today for no particular reason, and tired as well. I have done some of my jobs for today. I didn't sleep very well so eventually got up in the middle of the night and continued sorting through papers, some of which have been sitting on a stack waiting to be filed for 4 years. Some I filed straight in the wastepaper bin  ;D

I did do my EFT at some point in the night, all 3 rounds. I note that it feels really strenuous and I'd rather file papers or doze or...

 :hug: to you Blueberry, if that's ok, and well done for getting some of your jobs done.  Sorry to hear you didn't sleep very well though.  That wastepaper filing system sounds like a useful one.  I am trying to do a similar thing myself today, but it's so hot and I am wilting.

I agree with Jazzy that you are an inspiration.   :hug:

Hope  :)

wow, blueberry!  i've been out of it for a bit, but coming here, seeing what you've been doing while i've been away is so impressive.  yes, and inspiring (pooh to the ICr!).  i applaud you  :applause: on your tenacity with your landlord.  his problems w/ fixing that place up are definitely not your problems! 

i know that at times, day to day, we see ourselves faltering, not going thru w/ what we said we'd do, avoiding this or that, but seeing what you've shared over a period of time makes it very clear how much you've dealt with and how much progress you're making.   you're doing such a good job overall of sticking to your plan, doing what comes next, taking a break, tackling the next problem, situation, or issue, it's quite amazing.  even your tone exudes a newfound strength that wasn't there a year ago.  progress, indeed!

well done, blueberry!   :thumbup:  sending love and a hug filled w/ continuity.

Thanks san! Seeing your response helps me since I'm still feeling listless and can't be bothered doing any of the things I 'should' or planned to do. I even planned to write a few emails but now that I'm on the computer I can't be bothered with any of that.

Maybe I'm feeling listless because memories of interactions with FOO are flitting about. Inner head is nodding. Memories of Horrendous Experience 2. Me questioning myself: maybe I misunderstood :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: ICr. can just pipe down, right san? I didn't misunderstand.

So I'm taking a break while some things re-sort. My T said part of my homework is to note what tapping through the "I'm being protected" sentence does for me. If it's bringing up this amount, I'm glad I'm still tapping it through in my non-native language instead of in English.

Thank you Hope too.  :hug: :hug: Hugs from you are always safe, and welcome. Well, we support each other on here and we inspire each other too - to keep going among other things.  :)

a question:  you mentioned you're tapping in your non-native language instead of english.  i take it that you are proficient in more than 2 languages (quite an accomplishment, really).  but, my question is, does the language you use when tapping make a difference?  i'm curious cuz i've only ever tapped in eng., altho i could really do it in spanish as well. 

and, absolutely pipe down, ICr!  you didn't misunderstand!  the self-doubt that has been injected into us is a poison that has distorted our minds just like any harmful drug can do.  i think this is something that your mindfulness can be beneficial in combatting.  it makes you think in the now, like realizing it's your ICr speaking rather than a truth about yourself knowing.  hope that makes sense.

anyway, keep up the good work, blueberry.  i think you're doing wonderfully well!  love and hugs! .

Dear blueberry, I'm glad I just stop by in your journal. I didn't read all of it, but I understood that it is time for you to move on to a new therapist because your current one can only offer you one appointment every six weeks. I hope understood correctly.
I wish you well with your search, whenever you decide to begin.  :hug: all the best with that!
I agree with the others that you are an inspiration. Although it is so much work for you and you are dealing with many problems in different areas, you always come up with new ideas and you pursue them as far is good for you. Thank you. 

Thank you, thank you, san and Anjulie. Your posts put huge  :)  :)  ;D on my face.

Yes, san, I'm proficient in 2 languages. I don't live in an English-speaking country anymore, I haven't for a long time now.

Using my non-native language in therapy provides me with a little bit of a barrier, a protection if you like. The words don't go quite so deep, though they can go pretty deep. The parts of us that are ICs grow and learn too. Most of mine now understand my non-native language without me having to translate for them, though as a child and teen I didn't speak the second language.

The sentence my T gave me to tap through is in the local language, not English, and I haven't quite got an equivalent for it yet. That doesn't have anything to do with proficiency of language. The appropriate tapping sentence in English will come when it's the right time.

I intend to write a few of my readers a pm; at least one of you knows who you are. But I can't manage it atm.

I might not be on at all for the next 48 hours, or I might be doing a bit of moderating only. So bear with me, I will write 'sometime'.

Thinking of you ❤️

 :hug:

Me, too :hug:

Thanks  :) :hug:

I was meant to go up to the farm last night or this early morning, but I never made it. When I paused for long enough to feel, I realised I was a bit unwell - earache, throatache. So good that I was mindful about that. I just have general body ache now, the way you might with flu. I don't seem to have a fever though.

When I plan to do more at the farm than I normally do, I tend to get sick.

Part of the problem is that I haven't done enough fun things this summer. I had a number in my head after the retreat, but I never did them. Part of me is happy in the garden, puttering around. But other parts of me obviously aren't. I live in an area where people come to spend their holidays. A 30-minute train ride would get me to a nice hiking spot I've been thinking about doing for ages. An easy hike, well-signposted (I have problems with orientation), and with signs about the local history.

There are also a couple of outdoor places I'd like to go to again where the emphasis is on tactile - for feet, hands, and other senses too. They're good places to play, even as an adult.

It would definitely be a good idea to stock up more on these types of experiences before the school year restarts in a couple of weeks. I can and do take breaks during the school year, but it would definitely be better if gave myself different activities now.

Good catch for feeling that you were a bit unwell. I hope you feel better soon.  :hug:

Thank you!

I have taken a few other steps.

My T suggested my overall body itch might not be psychological. It might simply be that my skin is too dry. How am I on skin care? Um, not good.

So since at least yesterday  I've been working more on rubbing skin lotion where the itches are and it seems to be helping. The lotion is cooling at least, but it's moisturising too. I can do it easily while lying in bed ;)  I also tend to do it more when I've slowed down and am not feeling as if I 'should' be getting all sorts of stuff done.  So this is self-care, even if not on my original list at the top of this Journal.

Yesterday I finally wrote an email to a couple of people, stating that I am no longer involved in organising a monthly activity since it is too frustrating to hear how important it is to people but then those same people find something more important to do, and I feel like I'm left holding the baby. Not that the people I wrote to are guilty - they said 2 months ago they'd be on holiday end of July. Not being around because of holiday and work is one thing. Not being around because you found a cause that takes precedence on that evening is not OK for me, if I'm the one left with everything hanging on me.  :no:

Things tend to hang on me, or I allow them to. Whichever. So this is a case where I'm giving push-back. No.  :no: :no: :pissed: I'm thinking back to the LETS group where other mbrs were glad for me to work at improving things but not if it involved them getting on my side. Thinking back to all sorts at FOO too. Thinking of how my landlords manage to make use of me to deal with problems in the building but leave me in the lurch when I need help e.g. with managing other people in the building (the tenant who believes it's OK to leave the front door half open all day) or with getting the exterior painters to finish their job.

I'm impressed with all the ways in which you're making decisions and taking action. I'm delighted for you, and it's so inspiring to read.  :applause:

Thank you Snowdrop! :hug: It is hard for me to take your words in, but I'm working on it. Being seen as inspirational is a new one for me. (Btw I love snowdrops)

Quote from: Blueberry on August 24, 2019, 07:46:30 PM
My T said part of my homework is to note what tapping through the "I'm being protected" sentence does for me. If it's bringing up this amount, I'm glad I'm still tapping it through in my non-native language instead of in English.

My T also said to tap it from 1-3 times per day for 2 weeks! He's never been that concrete about homework before. I was flabbergasted, but now it occurs to me that he's maybe showing me that concentrating more on doing my homework isn't the solution. That finding a new trauma T who can see me weekly for more than 20 sessions is. My T said that even if he were to apply for more therapy with him, the evaluator/consultant/expert who'd be consulted by the medical insurance co. would feel 'not taken seriously' if my T stated I only need 20 sessions, because it's plainly not true. The evaluator (or whatever you'd say) would be less likely to approve the therapy in that case.

Tbh I'm frightened of moving to a new T. My present one is just too good to be true, I'm thinking. But obviously he's not thinking that. I've had so much bad experience with Ts who were supposedly trauma-informed. At my request, my current T gave me a list of trauma-informed inpatient places. The place where I last went and got retraumatised is not on the list. I mentioned that and he said there'd obviously not been enough good reports on it in the past 18 months (the time frame he and other trauma-informed Ts had used to gather recommendations from patients).

I also remember telling my current T last time he was applying for an extension for me why I wanted an extension then, i.e. why not wait a year or so. My response: I wanted my healing over and done with in one go, rather than keep coming back every few years. Well, this response would speak for changing T.

Just noting things I can't yet write in my paper Journal - for whatever reason. When the time is right, I'll be able to make a decision here too.

Another thing I could do with writing before I take any concrete steps is: Even before my retreat I could feel how more and more people and situations with people were driving me up the wall. I only remembered this after I was back home and ruminating on run-in with Narc Male.

I am drawing back from friends and acquaintances and I am having more run-ins with them as I set boundaries, or as I don't set boundaries and then get really irritated. I've probably read here and I've certainly read over on OOTF that this stage comes with healing. It makes sense but it also makes for loneliness. I've read about that too though. There's a period before you start attracting healthier people...

hey, blueberry,

the new t thing that's going on with you - sometimes we just outgrow the healers we have, and a new perspective can be a motivation and a sort of 'push' (if that's the right word) to get us moving in a way we hadn't known or thought before.  on the other hand, as someone who has also been burned too many times by t's who either harmed or did nothing for me, i understand your reticence to change.  i have no doubt the answer will come to you, and it'll feel right for you.

i can also relate to letting go of people in my life as i began setting boundaries they didn't agree w/, or getting out of situations where i ended up doing all the work for whatever was going on.  it is a lonely area, for sure.  as i think back, tho, at what i used to do, what i kept doing w/ not enough return to refuel me for the effort expended, or what i kept allowing into my life that really wasn't healthy for me, i'm much less stressed out by a long shot than i was before.   it's a weight thing, i think.  where is the weight of the relationship sitting?  if we consistently carry most of the weight most of the time, we're the ones who get worn out, overwhelmed, and exhausted, while they frolic along on the fruits of our labor.

maybe i'm being overly cynical here, but i've gotten pretty fed up w/ that entire dynamic.  sounds like you are as well.

i love your mindfulness, how it's working for you.  i agree w/ snowdrop that it's inspiring.  you are moving ahead, showing how you're doing it, and it's something that i, for one, am not only delighted to see, but it helps give me strength to keep carrying on.  thanks.  love and hugs.

QuoteThere's a period before you start attracting healthier people...

Here's to the new, healthy people who are waiting for you in the wings! 🥂

Today felt more like going backwards. But even backward steps will have their benefits. I lay in or on my bed most of the day. I didn't even take the Little Furries into the garden. It felt more as if I was hiding in bed - hiding from everybody else in the building. Wednesday the house painters are supposedly coming back to finish up their work outside my office. I'm dreading that too because they already been JADEing. Anyway I'll see how it goes.

I haven't tapped my sentence thru either. Hiding from that as well. It's not so surprising since memories of FOO kept coming up. I maybe haven't been grounding myself properly before doing eFT. Or I should have done an additional round or 2 during therapy because that might have brought the hobgoblins up and we could have dealt with them then and there. I'm also remembering tons of previous therapy, when  previous Ts, especially a particular one, refused to help me further with this kind of work in the therapy hour. They, and particularly she, said things like I had to deal myself and I wasn't to get dependent on them etc. My current T doesn't though.

Apart from feeding the furries, the only useful thing I felt I did was eventually remember taht I should eat and did so. Though no so healthily. Tomorrow is another day to start afresh. Or even tonight.

if i may disagree with you just a bit, blueberry.  i think those realizations were useful for you, and you might not have been able to come to them if you hadn't had the time for them to bubble up for you.  just my opinion, but i tend to see down time as productive in its own right.  love and hugs.   :hug:

Oh, you're right about that San!  :hug:

It's a relief to read your words again, San. Written only yesterday, not 3-4 days ago the way it seems.

I feel as if I'm floundering in the fog again.

I know my homework from therapy to reinforce a protective memory of long ago. Instead of that I'm succumbing to the thoughts of time gone by that FOO is probably right after all and I am slumping.

As I wrote the above I can feel more will and a tiny flicker of determination to come back out of the slump. As if writing takes the power away from the thoughts.

i know that writing has been able to do that for me many times.  i'm glad you wrote.  you are not your foo, poo on foo, they were wrong, and my heart is heavy knowing they laid that on you.  it doesn't belong w/ you, but with them.  love and hugs, blueberry.   :hug:

Quotepoo on foo

:rofl: 💩💩💩

You are not what others say you are. You are not what your family thinks of you. You are not anything that anyone, no matter who, says you are - whether positive or negative.

Others do not define us. We get to do that. We get to say who we are, what we are, how we are.

We can reject any opinion anyone gives us as invalid, incomplete, inaccurate.

That being said - I'll repeat that I think you are strong, capable, intelligent, compassionate, fierce, honest, and that you possess great self-awareness, insight and humor.

Thank you san and 3R for your reminders.

Good things today: I noticed another wild flower (of those seeds I sowed earlier in the year) is blooming.
I finished re-reading Lord of the Rings and decided my job is like Sam's: go back to living on this earth even if that simply involves weeding the garden. That instead of slipping back into dark places.
I went on a demonstration and when people were called up to help with this or that, I did! That got the ball rolling so that other people stood up and took over.

But I'm still floundering mostly.

QuoteBut I'm still floundering mostly.

At least you're keeping your head mostly above water still! You are still doing great, like getting the ball rolling at your demonstration... that takes a lot! Feel better soon Blueberry, take care! :)

Quote from: Blueberry on August 30, 2019, 03:35:39 PM
I finished re-reading Lord of the Rings and decided my job is like Sam's: go back to living on this earth even if that simply involves weeding the garden. That instead of slipping back into dark places.

Blueberry, I love this. I have felt more like Frodo; who after being so close to evil, could no longer live in the Shire. Sam was affected by the evil too, but he did go back to living. So, how do I live my life? Not like the evil didn't exist. But I can still choose to live, and find beauty where I can.

I hear you. I wish you solid ground.  :hug:

Quote from: notalone on August 31, 2019, 03:04:55 AM
Blueberry, I love this. I have felt more like Frodo; who after being so close to evil, could no longer live in the Shire. Sam was affected by the evil too, but he did go back to living. So, how do I live my life? Not like the evil didn't exist. But I can still choose to live, and find beauty where I can.

Oh, I feel mostly more like Frodo but at the end of the trilogy I felt that those were wise words towards Sam.

here's hoping the floundering is short-lived and you find your feet solidly under you again.  good for you, tho, that you're continuing to do things that are outreaching.  i've found that to help keep me in a pos. perspective.  love and hugs, sweetie.   :hug:

Well, I was in the garden this evening, clearing an area that used to be mine and which I've taken back. I'm not sure what I'm going to plant or sow there. I'd like wild roses in the garden of the hot pink variety instead of whiteish-pale pink. We used to have more roses but bit by bit people removed them to make space for other stuff. Or maybe I will plant more berries. Anyway it's not something I have to decide now.

I also took the Little Furries into the garden.

Yesterday I paid my rent minus the deductions for August and September which I promised my landlord I would deduct if he didn't get on to the painters about finishing their job. The money is a drop in the bucket for him so I don't suppose it'll actually change anything. The painters were meant to come this Wed. but they didn't. As a friend pointed out, they've undoubtedly been paid already so there's no leverage to bring them back. I should have moved faster with the ll, she said. Thanks to cptsd that is actually really hard I countered. I have to gear myself up for it for days. And anyway I asked the painters on what seemed their final day when these last little jobs for me were going to be done. They said they were going to be done by another company. How was I to know they were lying?

Anyway, generally there is some forward motion in me. Now I remember what got me going again this evening, with gardening etc.: a FOO nightmare.

Tomorrow I will go up to the farm for a day or two. Whatever is going on in the world or the building I live in or whereever, the cows need to be milked and their milk needs to be processed. I help with the latter. Dishes need to be washed and when I do so there, I'm more likely to do so at home too.

A large piece of self-care this evening would involve having a nice cool shower or maybe even a bath (at a friend's).

What are little furries?  Just curious.  I hope you have a good day on the farm. And plant something that brings you Joy in your space in the garden.  Have a good evening. :hug:

Little Furries = Fur Babies.  :)

Oh like cats or dogs?  Ok thanks :)

Hi Blueberry,
Wild roses of the hot pink colour or more berries - both of those things sound so great.  It's nice that you are taking back that area of the garden and choosing your way to fill it, and having the Fur Babies around too, that sounds good to me.  I was thinking yesterday how people can relax more with animals to stroke, and I hope you enjoy your time with those Fur Babies.
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Now that I've slowly come back out of whereever exactly I was psychologically, I have so many impulses! So I'm reminding myself: go slowly, take small steps, stay grounded and do things to stay grounded! And remember to do longish-term things for self and not for others.

Since I got back from the farm, (1) I have agreed to do something for a neighbour on my computer this evening. Yes, ready for Wed. morning but not ready before he leaves on Tues evening! But I stipulated that he cleans the toilet that our businesses share. He agreed to and did so. (2) I listened to this neighbour asking why I am so stressed or why I get stressed about things (like whether the main door gets shut or not or whether 'somebody' cleans the shared toilet) and as a result it's good for me to hear that it's maybe not always clear to others why I seem to be 'making a fuss' so I listened and took on board so to speak but I also (3) felt at least a bit heard when I said "as I have said, I have health problems and all this cleaning it really tires me out! It takes you 2 minutes, it takes me 10 and I'm exhaustedafterwards", so that's when he grabbed cleaning materials and said "no problem, no problem".

(4) A friend mentioned that the one man in this building who always gives utterly ridiculous and factually wrong (!) excuses about why he can't or won't do this and that - close the main door at night, join in communal cleaning - well this friend suggested that it could be that that's his knee-jerk reaction to anything a woman says. He may actually change his behaviour but is unwilling or even deep within his psyche as yet incapable of doing anything other than aggressively lying to 'save face'. It helps me to see that that's what it could be. It doesn't mean I have swallow it all, but it's good for me to observe - does he change his behaviour? Maybe it's somebody else who keeps leaving the door a bit open? Because if I keep harping on about it (my words!), and he doesn't know why because he's changed his behaviour and has no idea of the effect of his words on me, things will head further downhill in this building. Plus a few other realisations in all this that I won't write out.

(5) I spoke to my ex-landlord, who owns the building next door and restores old houses professionally, about my one missing shutter that the painter doesn't want to install because of ex ll's scaffolding (just painter's excuses basically) and ex ll immediately offered to reinstall the missing shutter (with the scaffolding issue) and move the other shutters around that were on the wrong windows. There were a couple of problems, he figured them out then got some oil and oiled the hinges (probably not done for years). Completed in 10 minutes!  It's funny b/c last year after he promised me to decrease my rent a bit, it took him about 3 months to do so and I felt stressed about keeping asking, and now he's done this other thing on the spur of the moment though I'm not his tenant any more and I didn't even ask. Go figure.

The painter's work is not complete - a few things still need to be reinstalled but at least I can close my shutters, a deterrent to break-ins, which my windows aren't! (It's my office, not my apartment, but still...)

So a fair amount of progress for just a couple of hours.  :cheer:
More progress actually at the farm but I'll write that some other time.  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on September 03, 2019, 05:24:16 PM
So a fair amount of progress for just a couple of hours.  :cheer:
More progress actually at the farm but I'll write that some other time.  :)

:cheer: Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :hug: :)
________________________________________
The next concrete beneficial step I'm going to take is to NOT write that thing for the neighbour business tonight.  He did clean the toilet, but he said it's takes 2 minutes and is not a problem. Whereas even opening up a Word document and writing and formatting this window advertising for him takes quite a lot out of me. He didn't want to hear that this afternoon, but it's the case. He heard that cleaning toilets is exhausting and seemed to take that on board but didn't let up on the other thing. Partially I think it might be a cultural thing. People don't change right away just because they move to a different culture. He's the one from a different culture. That's not a reason for me to not set limits 'of course' though I do have difficulty. It's more incomprehensible to him that his 'nice neighbour' doesn't help him. I need to watch myself here. Good realisation. So it would be helpful to do a few rounds of EFT on I accept and love myself although I haven't done this favour for my neighbour yet even though I told him I would do it later this evening. So: "I accept and love myself although I decided to not do this favour for the deadline given by my neighbour" or "I accept and forgive myself although I decided to put myself and my needs first".  :yes: :thumbup:

I tried to do EFT on those two topics that night but somehow.... I didn't. Maybe I didn't really need to  :Idunno:  because since then I've had no difficulty i.e. feelings of guilt or shame when speaking to that neighbour. I do know cognitively that I don't need to feel guilt or shame but up until a few days ago, I would have. So more progress! :cheer:

As I mentioned on one of my Employment threads, I changed the usual format for EFT (I accept.... myself even though xyz) into "Congratulations on managing pqr" and yawned like crazy, which means it worked. I have had trouble with being successful for a long, long time - either going into EFs, giving up, resorting to SH or eating etc. I presume it's because of FOO reactions to me being successful in any way. So that gives me another tool for when I achieve something and am getting EF-y.

I've almost finished 1 page of translation and have another 2 1/2 to go. That's a definite improvement. Other times I wouldn't even have started yet. I'd manage to put that off till Mon evening, with a deadline Tues afternoon  :stars: :doh:

Once again I'm having trouble with a couple of clients (teaching). One I have simply not contacted yet, but the other cancelled once at short notice (not allowed unless health-related), wanted a new lesson date but when I mentioned that it's not OK to cancel at such short notice, she decided to end the contract without giving necessary notice. As I pointed out to her, she signed my contract so she has to follow it. I wrote a letter this afternoon, which I haven't quite completed, but the progress is it was much easier than normal. I felt grounded while writing, also clear thoughts, and no SH. Not even SH impulse. I did intend to send it tonight, but maybe it'll be tomorrow after all. I've just come back from the friend's place where I can use the bath and am feeling a bit sleepy but I'm also feeling less itchy and much cleaner  :thumbup: So good self-care.

I have a bunch of books from the library on gardens and gardening so maybe I'll go and look at some of their nice photos and inspiring descriptions before I go to bed.  :)

how insightful and creative of you to change your eft tapping to more fully realize your own healing power.  very impressive!

and congrats  :applause: on all you've been accomplishing that might have otherwise been a trigger for SH or otherwise unhealthy behaviors.   you are moving ahead, showing strength, courage, and determination.  well done.   :thumbup:

love and hugs   :hug:

You're doing so well, Blueberry.  :cheer:

Thank you for writing about the process you're going through with EFT. I find it very helpful, and I didn't know before that there's a connection between successful EFT and yawning.

Thank you san and Snowdrop for reading and then cheering me on :) :hug:

Snowdrop, Idk if there's always a connect between successful EFT and yawning. But when I yawn so much I can hardly stop, it means 'something' is going on. Mostly a lot of tension is being released - whether 'just' physical or a bunch of emotional e.g. because I'm daring to stand up to FOO in my feelings, I'm finally saying something out loud (or even in my head) that I've never dared to. That kind of thing. When emotional tension is released, something is processing and some form of transformation takes place, in my case anyway. I've been yawning like this for years in all forms of therapy that do something for me.

Glad you find my posts on EFT useful.  ;D  :hug:

san thank you once again for pointing out all I'm accomplishing. It helps me when someone mirrors the info I wrote back to me. And then you even give me the descriptors like strength, determination and so on. I still have a lot of trouble finding these descriptors myself and applying them to me. (One of the reasons why writing job applications is soooo stressful for me. Stressful to the point of being impossible.)

I know you've been working really hard recently too and making progress, including allowing yourself a break (the 'allowing' is work and progress)  :cheer:  :hug:

I've accomplished a lot today, not all translation, but also a bunch of business emails and stuff, including to the one Cancelling Client.

rn I'm a bit stuck on terminology but reminding myself that I'm translating because I actually enjoy it and I don't need a brilliant hourly rate (I get financial support from FOO) so those factors are continuing to take the pressure off and I don't feel as if I'm about to go a little crazy - with panic I suppose - as is usually the case.  :cheer:

blueberry, i'm glad you can remind yourself of something positive about your work.  i think that's a major step for anyone, to be able to acknowledge something pos. about what they're doing and why.  well done!   :thumbup:

you're moving forward in so many ways.  kudos to you!   :cheer:  and, yes, those descriptors of strength and determination fit you for that very reason.  it takes both (plus a whole lot more) to continue to make progress.  you're doing amazing things for yourself!  love and hugs, sweetie.   :hug:

Reading back in here, it's not that long ago that I was in a huge EF-y kind of state, then coming back out but floundering around. So it actually feels good that I'm able to be more productive atm. But I'd now say it was a mistake to take the latest translation on. Live and learn. ICr or whoever the "Should have declined" voice belongs too is very faint, so that's good to know. Something must have healed somewhere, which is obviously good, but I have to knuckle down and finish the work. I have the impulse to listen to some children's music and move quietly around in my office to the music. My shutters are closed but they're at a bit of a weird angle which might mean somebody can see my movements a bit and that's putting me off. But it's probably the only thing to get me working again. So I suppose I'll risk it. Or I'll have to. Got to do something about this blockage. Acting on this kind of impulse (moving to music) is healthy.

i also like doing something physical between doing brain work kind of stuff.  i hope you took the risk and it ended up being pos. for you.  love and hugs, blueberry.

I took the risk and near the end of the music I started EFT on "I don't have to be perfect and nor does my translation" and yawned like crazy. Despite the rumour in some therapy circles that the brain doesn't take "not" on board, my brain obviously did because I started realising which bits of terminology I can accept and leave as is and not push myself into doing more research in case they're not 110% perfect.  :thumbup:

I like that you listened to you instinct and listened to and moved to children's music.  :applause: (Clapping for you and clapping to the beat!)

I did get the translation in, though I had to deliver it in person rather than by post. On the plus side it was a nice train route and I got to visit a tiny little town I'd never been to before. My EFT on "I don't need to be perfect and nor does my translation" really seems to have moved something along because I don't feel bad about my translation. In retrospect, I realised that maybe I should have written something differently, but I feel more like "live and learn", I'll maybe remember to do it differently if the same issue comes up another time, but otherwise, I don't have to be perfect!"  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Continuing on from delivering my translation, I went to visit friends including my godson for a couple of days and had a good time there. I didn't have any major EFs or anything and I was better at saying what I needed, including to my godson. I did say at one point that I was really tired and needed to lie down for a bit, even though interacting with him hadn't really contributed to the tiredness. During other visits I would have pushed through with doing something with him. But he accepted that I needed a break and it was fine.

I had a good time with his mother too. It was glorious weather. We went for a little cycle to look for some wild seeds and berries to pick. Now at home I've been harvesting some in the garden too, as well as general autumn clean up and also looking at what's still blooming. And preventing slugs from laying any more eggs, I hope  ;)

I feel good today. It's nice to feel that way sometimes. Purposeful, have achieved some things, not triggered.  :)

Quote... but I feel more like "live and learn".... I feel good today.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :cheer:  That is great, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Thanks  :)  :hug:

It's good I wrote about it because today I feel very low. It has not been a day of concrete beneficial steps, apart from allowing myself to rest. Monday and Tuesday will be very busy and even this evening I have to get on with a number of things. So I was probably resting in advance.

I'm sorry you're feeling low today. Don't forget that allowing yourself to rest is in itself a concrete beneficial step.  :hug:

Sorry to hear you're feeling low.  :hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on September 15, 2019, 04:44:13 PM
Don't forget that allowing yourself to rest is in itself a concrete beneficial step.  :hug:

Thank you, that's a useful reminder.

Today I'm feeling pretty tired but that's no big surprise. I was thinking a few hours ago that I can't wait to get back on the forum where people understand me and now I find I can't write down what was going on. Well, at least I wrote a bit in my paper Journal today.

More concrete beneficial step of allowing myself to simply remain in bed, i.e. rest and hide and wrap self in blanket. I'm now up and can see the sunlight even if I'm not forcing myself to go out into it.

There are a number of things I intended to do today. Write a bill for that translation I did last week. Finish an application I need to get in by Hallowe'en but earlier would be better. And no, it's not for a fancy dress party. It's pretty serious. I 'just' have to get some documents together and photocopy some others and then get it all out of the house to some bureaucracy place. I also need to apply for a new passport, which I can't do before completing the other.

I feel very, very low. FOO appeared in some dreams last night. Not so surprising really since I had been missing them and wondering if they really were/are so bad or maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills.

The answer is: their treatment of me has proved very bad for me over the years, including the last time I had contact with any of them. But somehow that information is not getting through to my soul atm.

Sorry you're feeling so low, Blueberry.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm making too much out of things that went down - I wonder if I'm being too hard on sibling - I miss my parents (but they're deceased so no undoing that) - but when I examine my feelings more closely it's more like I miss who they ought to have been. I don't miss who they really were. And somehow that helps me let go of the idea of them.

I think you're pretty awesome, I see how much you've recovered. Even tho we may be "just" online friends, you've been a good friend to me, and I learn from you and your posts. Take care, my dear Blueberry.  :hug:

o blueberry, how many times i've doubted that things with me were just me being dramatic or something.  those mind games that were played on us are insidious and cunning in that they make us doubt ourselves.  so much more difficult to realize the truth of what was done than if we came away with a broken  arm or something else tangible.  the emotional stuff, well, that's a different ballgame.  it's all in our mind, isn't it!  and i don't mean that dismissively, but honestly and truthfully.  so much harder to sort thru mental and emotional abuse cuz we can't hold it up to the light of the x-ray machine and see it in black and white.

i don't doubt you for one minute.  sending love and a hug filled w/ your truth.   :hug:

Dear Blueberry,
I just wanted to send you a supportive hug  :hug:  I also wanted to say that I relate to what you wrote when you said "their treatment of me has proved very bad for me over the years, including the last time I had contact with any of them.  But somehow that information is not getting through to my soul atm" - I relate to that because I also find it hard to really feel and acknowledge things, even though part of me knows they are bad.  Maybe it's the protective part of you that stops you feeling that, out of consideration for your well-being.  I don't know.  I try to make sense of it for myself, and I often can't.  I just wanted to wish you the best with all of this, and want you to know that I care, and I agree with Three Roses that you're pretty awesome. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Three Roses on September 19, 2019, 02:17:07 PM
I miss my parents (but they're deceased so no undoing that) - but when I examine my feelings more closely it's more like I miss who they ought to have been. I don't miss who they really were.

Good way of putting it. I miss who my parents ought to have been or maybe even who they occasionally were. Which is part of what makes it hard. My parents are still alive actually. But I know there will be no change on their part big enough to make any difference to their treatment of me. There's no going back, it's a waste of my limited energy trying to figure anything out with them.

Hope, it could well be a protective part, not allowing me to feel. I used to have that a lot, so when I've dropped back into an EF, why not? I feel vulnerable emotionally and physically. There's no tangible reason for feeling vulnerable physically atm but it is what makes me want to go back to bed and not go outside at all (despite the lovely sunny weather). I did go out a little and see what flowers of mine are still blooming.

Thank you dear Hope, san and 3Roses for sending love, support and caring words! It really means a lot. This forum is a life-saver :bighug: :grouphug: Even though we're all 'just' online friends. As I figure out friendships and other relationships irl, OOTS friendships take on a special meaning all their own.

Still feel very, very low. I'd like best just to go back to bed. But I will go on a demonstration today, partly because I told various other people I would. It will probably help me a little bit, just seeing people I know and saying 'Hello'.

When the only things that seem worthwhile are eating and sleeping, things are low indeed.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low, Blueberry. Full credit for going on the demonstration while you're feeling like this.  :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop  :hug:   At least I got out of the house, spoke to a few people, did something semi-useful.

Sorry you are feeling low blueberry and well done for getting out and about. I know how it feels when laying low feels like the only thing to do. Sab.

Thanks Sab. I phoned a few people I know who like playing board games to see if anybody wants to tomorrow. But nobody has time. At least I tried. I did some garden work and also went to buy some laundry detergent so I can start some laundry tomorrow before the shops open, if I happen to feel like it. So these are baby steps forward.

I also realise I'm feeling a tad explosive today and that it has little to do with anything going on irl.

I got a tiny bit more active today. I even phoned an elderly lady I know to ask if she wanted to come over and play a board game, which she did!

For not the first time, she started telling me about her dysfunctional FOO and FOC and so I finally suggested she might actually be better off without them. I've heard most of her stories before and it's enough for me. I agreed that it's sad, said that's how I feel about the problems in my FOO as well but I genuinely am better off without them. She actually took that on board. :thumbup: :applause:

This morning after I drifted off to sleep again (oops), I heard my M calling my nickname, so I woke up again. Of course irl she hadn't called my name at all. It's not the first time that has happened. When it happens, it's because I've drifted off to sleep again, but should be getting up, and her voice sounds kind, not angry at all. I like to hear her voice that way. But otoh it's a bit hard because it reminds me her treatment of me wasn't all bad. But I do know that the treatment was so bad enough of the time that I have cptsd and that my parents aren't capable of changing and so it's best to keep my distance. Really really best because I don't have the resilience to put up with FOO onslaught.

A while ago B1 asked me a question for one of my nephews, so I emailed a response directly to my nephew, but on B's email. In response I got a photo from B1 that had already been sent to other FOO mbrs, so it was like a 'reward'. I answered the bait :sharkbait: I'm losing less sleep over these kinds of things now. It's like they're showing me who they are combined with maybe they really don't understand why I've reduced contact big time. Maybe they really are so clueless. I'm just less and less interested in trying to figure anything out with them or try and explain (again).

Hi Blueberry,
Great that the elderly lady accepted your invitation to play the board game.  I really like board games, but haven't played one for years now - I find that people don't tend to want to do it, so I'm glad you found someone who would. 
Glad to hear you're losing less and less sleep over some things, it must be tiring trying to explain things many times - if someone remains clueless and doesn't get it (referring to your FOO and B1.
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

I'm just back from two pretty strenuous days at the farm. They actually went well considering. The guy I usually work with was on holiday on Monday for the first time in Idk how long - years. The farm has got to learn how to do the work w/o him, so that was one reason why he wasn't there. He wasn't there today either, though he has had Tuesday off before. He's forcing the farm to learn his work for when he goes into retirement.

I said I'd help, though I can't take on the full responsibility or the full hours. I did make some internal progress with self-accetance, setting limits and standing up for myself, which I will write about on here a little later, I hope. Work with one particular person is not always easy for me, but it went better today and yesterday than it usually does.

good for you, blueberry, especially w/ acceptance and boundaries.  those have both been tough for me at times, so i give lots of credit to anyone who gets behind that.   :applause:

lots of progress, sweetie.  i'm so glad for you!   love and hugs   :hug: :hug:

  :cheer: :cheer:

Great that you got to work on some boundaries and self-acceptance!  :cheer: :cheer:

Thanks ;D Therapy was really useful today too. I came straight home and implemented something from T right away. :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:  I really am making progress! :cheer: At least I usually write in my Paper Journal on the way home from T, so some of the progress is in there.

I want to listen to a video or two now, while I still can.

Quote:cheer:  I really am making progress! :cheer:

I love you giving yourself recognition and praise!! Good job, you! ❤️

Quote from: Blueberry on September 25, 2019, 06:51:00 PM
Thanks ;D Therapy was really useful today too. I came straight home and implemented something from T right away. :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:  I really am making progress! :cheer: At least I usually write in my Paper Journal on the way home from T, so some of the progress is in there.

:cheer: :cheer:Fantastic!

Thanks everybody  :)  :grouphug:

I came back on the forum to absorb a bit of energy and impetus-to-follow-through. I notice so far this morning I've been haring around, which makes me feel under pressure. I also do genuinely feel put under pressure a bit by a client though there's no deadline involved. There's no reason for her to put me under pressure except of course for her own gains. Back off! I'm imagining my hand going up showing her to back off.

Feeling under pressure leads to  :fallingbricks: effect. I have to do this and that and the other by then and then. I don't though. Breathe, slow down. What do I really have to do? What can wait till tomorrow or just an hour? I know it's lateish morning but i haven't had breakfast yet which definitely has priority over phoning a bunch of clients over new dates, old dates, contracts not adhered to etc etc.

You're a capable person, Blueberry. You have every right to "push back" when others try to pressure you. You can choose your own pace, or no pace at all. You are the one in the position of having the upper hand, as you have what your clients want, and you're good at it. Move to the sound of your own music. I'm cheering you on!

Thank you 3R! It appears just telling myself I can give some push back and the hand signal in my head helped  :)

One of the clients phoned again herself yesterday and was actually quite reasonable. It was also easier for me that she phoned back, even though officially I should have phoned her.

Today I phoned another one who disregarded my contract by not coming to a lesson and she said 'of course' that lesson is forfeit i.e. she paid for the lesson and is not getting a make-up lesson. I actually had a good, clarifying talk with her.

So it is really good for me as well as important to note that dealing with other people is not always tedious, energy-consuming and just plain difficult. It is in some cases, e.g. my landlord is still not dealing and I couldn't get through to him today. His secretary claimed he was out and then that he was talking on the phone and that I must phone back before 11:30 AM closing time, which I did several times to no avail. There was no response. Needless to say he doesn't contact me of his own accord. This case is very energy-consuming and difficult - it's triggering a number of FOO memories.

Also good to note that sometimes phoning really is easier than hacking things out via email, which means I'm making progress in that I'm more 'on the ball' when phoning and less likely to freeze and have no appropriate response occur to me until a few days have passed. Freezing on the phone is of course cptsd-related, so again something is healing  :)

wow, blueberry, this really seems like a lot in a short time.  i loved that visualization you used - i'm going to try that when it feels like it would fit.  it seems to give impetus to pos. messages behind it.  well done, you, is right!   :cheer:  keep it up - you're amazing!  love and hugs, my dear.   :hug: :hug:

 :applause: :hug:

I celebrate your progress in dealing with people and being able to talk on the phone w/o freezing.  :cheer:

Thanks everybody  :) :hug:

 :hug:

I seem to be dreading tomorrow. When I am, I tend not to go to bed. If I go to sleep tomorrow comes faster - could be a reason to stay up? Also I feel there are things I ought to have done and /or know I ought to do tomorrow morning before my first client comes.

I want to write about the activity I did right after coming home from T last time and the preceding work in T.

*** TW Yuk! Gross! A bit sexual, maybe tmi ***


There are often problems in the building I live in, with not everybody pulling their weight. One issue is: my new business neighbour makes a real mess of the shared business toilet. Like urine on the seat and on the floor. I mentioned in T but without the details, saying it wasn't a thing to deal with there. It felt like a hugely embarrassing, shameful topic. My T is male too, which makes it worse for me. Toilet trips involve sexual organs and anything to do with those organs is a grey, foggy half-dissociated, shameful area for me due to CSA. But bit by bit my T got the story out of me. The way he talked about it was so neutral but also matter-of-fact that my feelings of embarrassment and shame disappeared so he was able to help me find a strategy for attempting to deal with my neighbour.

My T said that men do - naturally / anatomically - tend to make that kind of splash/splatter mess, but instead of telling me to 'just put up with it because that's the way men are', he said a man has to clean up after himself and it's perfectly reasonable to expect that. If the man doesn't, then you tell him. I mentioned how a married friend said that some men including her husband don't even notice the mess they're making (whether bathroom or elsewhere). My T said "That's why you have to show them." Lightbulb for me - when my friend's husband still claims not to notice, he's playing her. Some 'game' going on there. I know there are men who are really fastidious.

So according to my T's instructions and armed with his encouragement, as soon as I got home after T, I asked my business neighbour if he had a couple of minutes and then showed him visible, sticky spots, explained that it's not acceptable for a shared toilet. It's simply horrible and disgusting for a woman to have to sit on that. Here is the brush, you need to use it for... (me pointing). For the seat you need a cloth, for the floor as well, everytime that stuff doesn't land in the toilet. My students use the toilet too on occasion, one has already complained, after cleaning up as best she could.

My neighbour actually seemed to accept my complaint quite well. Later on that day I checked the toilet again. The applicable part of the floor had been cleaned. The brush had been used to good effect. Seat a bit better. But that was Wednesday. I checked it again this evening and the seat's a total mess. So that's something to dread about tomorrow. Either clean it myself, or take it up with business neighbour again. My T said I should stick to the topic with neighbour. If he lapses, then take it up with him again. I do see my T's point because otherwise I'll just be seething with rage about having to clean a mess that isn't mine every day, also feeling genuinely disgusted and also exhausted because cleaning exhausts me. So it's better to give push-back again: "This is not acceptable. I am not accepting this!" It's hard for me to think that, write that, say that. But it is getting better. I'm yawning, combined with forgetting to breathe.

The whole issue has brought up realisations in other areas, other than boundaries and limits. Maybe I'll write about them later.

One positive thing in the building: the smoke/heat detectors in the stairwell were beeping when I got home a few days ago. They beeped for two days, but now somebody has finally dealt with them! They're no longer beeping anyway. NTS not all technical problems are left to me.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation Blueberry. The way you feel is certainly understandable. I can't even imagine how someone thinks this is acceptable behaviour. Hopefully it gets resolved soon, in a permanent way. Until then, stay strong. I hope you get the rest you need to help you through the day as well. Take care! :)

Huzzah for no more beeping!   :cheer:

Quote from: Blueberry on September 29, 2019, 10:35:11 PM
It felt like a hugely embarrassing, shameful topic. My T is male too, which makes it worse for me. Toilet trips involve sexual organs and anything to do with those organs is a grey, foggy half-dissociated, shameful area for me due to CSA. But bit by bit my T got the story out of me. The way he talked about it was so neutral but also matter-of-fact that my feelings of embarrassment and shame disappeared so he was able to help me find a strategy for attempting to deal with my neighbour.

I get this 100% I would have been really triggered by that entire situation. Blueberry, I am proud of you for confronting/educating your neighbor about this. Too bad it seems that it will not be a one time thing. Maybe a note in the bathroom, possibly one with humor, might be a good reminder for him.

Thank you so much for reading, commenting and validating Jazzy and notalone! It means a lot because the topic is difficult for me and my post long as usual, and then my TWs might well put people off.

This is one of the other realisations/memories: 'just put up with it because that's the way men are'. An expectation from me in FOO that I'll put up with things because whoever it is that's harming me sees no need to change. Or somebody else in FOO sees no need for this to change. It's not necessarily men in FOO. At Horrible FOO Event no. 2, B1 told me I had to put up with SIL2's rude behaviour towards me "because that's the way she is and she's not going to change". Of course this expectation of me is way older or I wouldn't have been so triggered and upset during Horrible FOO Event no. 2. When I was growing up, F hardly protected me from M or B1, while M protected me from B1 even less often. There was a sort of inevitableness about it. "Oh well, that's the way he is. We can't do anything about it". I'm not sure that they ever said that in so many words but that's the way they acted. I feel tightening in my gut, I feel the fear, so I'd better close up this memory a bit.

A different realisation is that I somehow feel I have to take the other person's assumed circumstances into account to such a degree that they become more important than my own circumstances. No, I guess that is a similar topic after all. The way it played out here was cultural. I actually live in a foreign country, but by now I'm very well integrated. My business neighbour is also foreign but from a much more different culture. I know that generally speaking the position of women is lower than men in his home country, that sexually-speaking things are definitely different - women more covered up etc. That made it even harder for me to speak up because there's this voice in me saying "he's foreign, you have to take this into account". I know that's something old. Maybe it's connected to M not wanting to integrate in the country my parents emigrated to? She didn't. She considered herself 'above' the people there and gravitated more to other homesick, unhappy immigrants even if they came from wildly different cultures whose general outlook on life, treatment of women or whatever was way different from my parents' home country. It was like taking sides: home countries / original culture 'good' whereas country immigrated to 'bad'. As a child, I unfortunately tried to be as much like M as possible in the hope she'd love me. This was one of the things I emulated: a rejection of the country and culture we'd moved to.

I wonder if that's playing a role here? I'm not sure actually. Maybe it really just is the usual case of 'other people's opinions, feelings, needs are more important than my own'. Though there is something about him coming from a different culture which seems to be affecting me. Not that I band together with other foreigners here against the locals the way M did in certain circumstances. It'll probably come clear in a day or two or week or two.

And the other topic here is: me putting myself in a position of victim / wrong-doer reversal. 'Poor foreigner-from-different-culture-where-women-clean-and-don't-speak-up and where it's shameful for women to mention anything vaguely sexual to men they're not married to' versus 'inconvenient, overly strict me, causing problems again'. Though actually it's me saying "This is not acceptable behaviour!!" I'm impinged by a problem and speaking up about it, rather than causing it. 

I can relate to your post a great deal. I often heard "oh that's just the way he is", with an implication that I had to just accept things, and that my needs were less important.

Your needs are every bit as important as your neighbours. Your neighbours behaviour is not acceptable, and it would make me feel icky. He should absolutely clean it up himself. You've done brilliantly by showing it to him and telling him what to do :applause:. I'm sorry it's happened again, but I agree that pushing back each time is the best course of action. I like the idea of putting a sign up.

blueberry, also having the experience of living in a foreign country with cultural difference re: bathroom behavior of men and women, it was always a conflict to get my hub to put the toilet seat down.  i told him that when a man lives w/ a woman, he always thinks of that, cuz otherwise i end up sitting into the toilet, especially in the middle of the night!  men in mex. have more rights than women, too, especially when it comes to cleaning up after themselves.  it totally sucks!

but, messing up the seat?  doesn't he at least put the seat up when he pees?  that's just gross to me.  with shared bathrooms in a public place, such as offices, cleaning up after oneself should be automatic.  he may need training and teaching, unfortunately.  i absolutely agree w/ everyone that your rights as a lady are every bit as important as his as a gentleman.  we need to be on our best behavior, showing our best manners, when we share space with others.  when i lived in the same house as the mister, he and i shared a bathroom, and he was very clean about it.  it was a relief.

of course, i know that women can be gross in the bathroom as well, and i think it's cuz they're not taught differently, either.  it sounds like that teacher task is falling on you, which is extremely unfortunate.  i'm proud of you for taking it to him the first time, but it sounds like repetition is the only thing that is going to get thru to him.  maybe he'll get sick of hearing you complain about it and start cleaning up after himself just to get you off his back.  or, maybe you can ask him if things are different where he comes from, and explain that that's not how it's done where you live now.

i don't know.  it's unsanitary and yucky no matter what.  sorry you have to be dealing with this.  honestly, blueberry, you've gone thru so much living in that building.  i give you so much credit for tackling one battle after another.  i hope you get some satisfaction, and soon!  love and hugs!   :hug:

I'm interrupting the above topic to mention a recurring topic where I had a bit of a breakthrough today in that my ICr was pretty quiet and I was accepting of myself.

I needed to run a couple of errands, the most urgent of which was to do a bank transfer for my business rent. Normally, it's automatic but I temporarily stopped the automatic part of it so that I can transfer the reduced rate (till my ll does the work he's meant to be doing). I wanted to collect something else from the bank and I had to take my passport elsewhere, and then come directly into my office to continue working. Put my office stuff and my passport in my bag, then walked over to the place who needs a copy of my passport, then I walked into the bank and realised  :doh: I'd left my bank transfer information in my office. I collected the other thing and came back home.

Why didn't I take the bank transfer information with me? Because getting out everything I needed for the one errand was simply too much! Doesn't sound like much if you're not dealing with my particular brand of cptsd of course, but what else had I dealt with today? Got up with that dread of bathroom hygiene in shared bathroom, taught for 90 minutes, I did a load of laundry and hung it out, did various smallish cleaning and tidying jobs including cleaning the inside of my apartment's toilet bowl. And now I'm really pretty tired. NTS: this is real. That is what it's like for me - I can do a little cleaning if I split jobs up into small steps. Things that are particularly overwhelming and triggering e.g.  cleaning the toilet have to be split up into the smallest bits.

I'm really accepting it  :applause: On the way back from the bank I thought to myself that this way I'll have another little walk in the fresh air and maybe even in the sunshine  :)  :thumbup:

I'm never able to clean all my apartment in one go, I can't even do that to one room. It's just impossible. Now I'm really tired but I want to phone a new client.

QuoteI'm really accepting it  :applause:

:party:

Celebrating your successes with you!

Thanks 3R!  ;D

I didn't get out of bed for a long time today, except to open my curtains and go back to bed. I tried feeling into why I didn't want to, but I couldn't. Well, I did get up eventually after reminding myself I could just go into the garden for a little bit and look around, enjoy the sunshine etc.

*** Toilet issues ***

I also checked the office toilet to see if it was in any better condition than last night. It wasn't, it was worse. Not flushed last night, more added this morning without flushing. Luckily my business neighbour came out of his shop and asked me how I was doing. After replying to that, I took the bull by the horns: "the toilet's in a really bad state though, come and look". The Guidebook to Dealing with Conflict in This Building apparently says 'Deny Everything!' so at 1 pm this guy says "I haven't used the toilet yet today!!" It was like that yesterday evening and I said so. Of course he didn't use the toilet all yesterday either. But I wasn't letting him off so easily. I persuaded him to take a look and showed him spots on the seat. He said "That's normal!" So here I am Remedial Teacher for Appropriate Toilet Behaviour and Sanitation... I much prefer teaching language.

o my heart!  'that's normal'?????? what kind of cleanliness standards does this guy have?  ugh!  so very sorry you're going thru this, blueberry.  it really is gross!

i think sometimes we just need some bed time.  it's warm, cozy, and safe feeling (for some of us).  a tool to use to help us feel better.  my rocking chair serves that purpose for me, as well as my little computer corner.  we all have our own places, and i'm glad you are able to take advantage of your bed the way you do. 

good luck w/ toilet guy.  people and public bathrooms can be disgusting.  love and hugs, blueberry.   :hug:

Thanks for your continued support with this topic, san! It really means a lot.

"It's normal." Possibly this guy's wife always cleans up after him at home, but I'm not going to! One good thing about the whole situation is that I can feel myself getting more assertive about this without being frightened of my assertion and pulling back. Progress  :cheer:. Certainly helped along by your and other mbrs' comments on here.  :)

You asked if he doesn't put the seat up to pee. Apparently not, but now he has started leaving it up sometimes. This feels gross too because Idk what I might find when I put it down before using.

You also mentioned the things I've had to put up with in this building, just one thing after another. Somebody else might move. But I know that one of the reasons I haven't is the feeling that boundary transgressions and taking me for granted might well happen elsewhere. This is me, realising that there is growth I need to do before this kind of thing will stop. Growth means: being assertive, showing including with body language that I'm not going to back down and take all this stuff. Sometimes 'growth' probably means leaving an issue to itself for a while to see if there is some resolve without me 'harping on' at the person. Growth also means making decisions I wouldn't have taken previously, e.g. by taking back that part of the garden that once was mine.

"we need to be on our best behavior, showing our best manners, when we share space with others. " That's what I always thought too. I can be as messy as I like or as I'm not able to contain in my own apartment but in shared spaces of the building I need to tidy and clean up after myself. That's not what other people in this building generally think. The previous tailor  - who was a woman - was really clean in the bathroom and she also did most of the regular cleaning in there, whereas I always bought bathroom supplies and took on other cleaning jobs for her e.g. floors, so it evened out I guess. I did ask on a number of occasions though. I didn't just take it for granted. The one before her was messy like you wouldn't believe. He denied it and blamed my students, though the mess was there at the time I got keys for my office and the bathroom. The ll of the time moved on that actually.

My progress atm is moving out of the "only the grown-ups are allowed to deal with issues". Quite a long time ago a T told me that ll is like a parent and the tenants are like siblings and ll of that time was telling the 'children' to sort it out for themselves. This is/was extremely triggering for me. It's hard to sort something out with siblings or any other group of people your own age or of equal status when (a) you've never been allowed to much and (b) when you occasionally did, you were strongly rebuked because it was an adult's job or (c) you were rebuked for being useless at it and being childish and you should just put up with the situation and (d) it wasn't possible to sort anything out anyway because there was no even playing field since B1 was bigger and stronger and resorted to his fists, with no rebuke.

I feel tired and overwhelmed today. I'm not really sure why except for 2 new students. Concrete, beneficial move was telling myself that this afternoon/evening isn't crammed full of appointments. I have breaks between lessons and therefore time to get on with various jobs, including vacuuming my office.

i get that whole thing about children having to do adult stuff, then getting rebuked or punished cuz it wasn't up to adult standards.  so unfair!  been there!  it gives a sense of nothing i do is good enough, which can then equal out to 'i'm not good enough'.  a veritable circular slide.

i can see your progress, blueberry, in the ways you're dealing with these various situations.  congrats - i think you're doing a bang up job   :applause:.  it's so difficult to have a public bathroom and no caretaker who is responsible for cleaning public space.  again, i'm really sorry you have to put up with this guy.

let's go with concrete, beneficial move - i like what it was telling you.  hang tough - there are options and time.  sending love and a hug filled with both. :hug:

Blueberry, I wanted to post to let you know I've been following your journey and think you are so brave and strong to stand up for yourself. And also for acknowledging and acting on the fact that you are worthy of respect, safety and comfort.
I really appreciate how you are able to look at a tough situation and ask yourself, what in this is mine and what does this bring up for me? Really great opportunities for growth and healing. Follow-through is so hard for me. I tend to let things go because I'm afraid or uncomfortable with the necessary steps. You are an inspiration.  :hug:

Thank you Moonbeam  :)

I've been getting better at follow-through bit by bit. Still, I'm dealing with my neighbour atm and neglecting dealing with my ll. I know I can't tackle everything at once. Also been getting better at believing I'm worthy of respect, safety and comfort. Thanks so much for pointing that out, I often don't realise in so many words what I'm doing for myself.  :)  :hug:

_____________________________________________

Actually san, it played out a bit differently in my FOO. I wasn't allowed to defend myself e.g. against B1. That was adult-only terrain, which meant I was reliant on them to act. They often didn't act. When I tried in their place, I was ridiculed, rebuked, punished... FOO somehow expected me to be able to defend myself outside FOO though. Since I was reliant on others in FOO to protect me, I was pretty dependent on them too. That lasted a long time! Right up until Horrendous FOO Event no. 2. I agree though the situation gave me the message you got too: "I'm not good enough." We are though! We're both good enough, as are our actions.  :hug:

Thank Goodness for OOTS. It got me out of bed today. I felt that there was nothing to get up for. Then I recalled that I needed to do my moderating. I even did a few things off my Highly Recommended list e.g. take my medicine before coming online.

Still it feels like a day where I'll pick up one small object and tidy it away (or bin it) and then the next small object. I feel as if something is maybe coming up. On the cusp. It often feels that way for me, but that's because things are constantly coming up - more feelings or realisations than new memories.

I woke up full of desire to get revenge, though not on FOO, no, people in this building. Needless to say, that wouldn't be particularly useful and I did recognise my feelings as "wet" according to AA and co. At least in my country they say "wet". Maybe it's different in the original English.

The past couple of days I've been missing my parents, or at least the better aspects of them. I had been thinking I "should contact them" but I will leave that till I'm properly in my Adult self.

hey,

i think that here in the states, reverting to unhealthy behaviors/patterns is known as a 'dry drunk' kind of thing.  i haven't heard 'wet' before, but i believe it's a similar concept.  the kind of stuff you'd do when under the influence, even tho you're sober now.  with what's been happening in your building lately, tho, i don't blame you for the thought of revenge.  i've had those thoughts about my ex too many times to count.

i'm glad you were able to find motivation to get up and take your meds.  yeah, that seems pretty important.  i think it's interesting what we can find to be motivating, and how that can have spillover.  love and hugs!   :hug:

Thanks san, dry drunk behaviour it is. Thanks also for the love and :hug:  :hug: That's what I need today, I just realised.

Quote from: Blueberry on August 26, 2019, 05:05:10 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on August 24, 2019, 07:46:30 PM
My T said part of my homework is to note what tapping through the "I'm being protected" sentence does for me. If it's bringing up this amount, I'm glad I'm still tapping it through in my non-native language instead of in English.

My T also said to tap it from 1-3 times per day for 2 weeks! He's never been that concrete about homework before. I was flabbergasted, but now it occurs to me that he's maybe showing me that concentrating more on doing my homework isn't the solution. That finding a new trauma T who can see me weekly for more than 20 sessions is.

Since I've been feeling pretty low for a few days and now I even have FOO moving in and out of my dreams, and in addition realisations about them, I probably need to do some real push back of some sort. I had to read back in here to find what my homework even was! Tapping through the "I'm being protected" sentence seems as if it might be better with the image of the other mother admonishing her son for punching me on the nose than the stewardess telling my brother he wasn't allowed to do it to me. I could do it with both images though.

Reading back in my Journal has been good. It has reminded me that I can go back to some healthier way of acting any time. Or I can try my homework out again any time.

Last time my T said he had no ulterior motives in suggesting I try my homework everyday for 2 weeks. I believe him.

Hope you feel better soon Blueberry. Wishing you some good rest. Take care! :)

Thank you for the good wishes, Jazzy!  :hug:

The only beneficial thing so far today was eventually manage to place my blankets in such a way as to keep warm while lying in bed reading and dozing, instead of shivering.

Oh yes, I also attempted some EFT but didn'T manage to pull thru with it. Also tried my homework and didn'T get far with that either.

I'm meant to be going up to the farm though. That will probably be helpful.

Maybe it will help me to write everything in the way of doing anything beneficial and moving on with things.

My apartment is both messy and dirty but am having trouble doing anything much to alleviate it. Everything seems just too much rn.

On Thurs I phoned a friend I haven't spoken to in a while. I told her about some of my progress and she said she could hear it in my voice too. Sometimes that backfires though.  :fallingbricks: As if I'm not meant to make progress.

I feel friendless atm. It's hard to approach friends irl when I'm feeling this bad, and this dirty and this messy.  :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: Somehow I can't motivate myself to shower and hairwash. I can hardly motivate myself to leave the house.

Also I feel friendless because I've been trying to sort some things out with friends. There's one friend I do intend to get back to, but haven't some how managed.  :stars:  ???

My T homework doesn't seem to be working that well. Whenever I try, I hardly get through it, then I have memories and dreams full of FOO. I'm even remembering when I had to go onto a closed ward.

Aside from my apartment being messy and dirty, I don't feel that well in it for cptsd-related reasons. I've had this before: not feeling safe somehow. One of my neighbours - the new business - mentioned a few weeks ago that he'd heard me showering.  ???   My shower is above his place of business, but I can't help that. I also sometimes shower in the middle of the day, mostly because it takes me a while to psych myself up. So that's put me off showering.

Inspite of everything, it would probably be good to head to the farm. There's a train in less than 2 hours. It would get me out of the house, out among people. I have to cover my hair for the work I do, so the fact that it's unwashed won't make any difference. Two people have left the farm so they could really do with me. It'll probably help get me back into some sort of healthy rhythm. Also getting my body moving again physically would be good. I have to move a bit to even get there and then my work involves more light physical activity than anything else.

otoh I feel kind of hot and cold. It's probably not a fever. I sometimes just feel that way.

Having written this just makes me think of more stuff that has been going on. e.g. something in the news in my parents' country and I thought of how they'd react to it: mocking, downplaying. That triggered me. So no wonder they're in my dreams atm. Even dreams where I'm back in the houses I grew up in.

ICr is having a good time too though, as I ask myself various things and even harangue myself. e.g. if I were more 'normal' and had a partner, I'd maybe stick to a healthier routine, maybe. Then harangue myself for not having one. That's ICr though. Because various mbrs of FOO mocked me for the lack.

I don't think spending another day doing nothing except dozing and reading will be very helpful, so really I should head to the farm. Oh, there's that 'should' again. Maybe I could want to head there??

Blueberry, sending you a caring hug.  :hug: Maybe instead of "should I. . .?" or even "do I want to. . .? " ask yourself, "What is the healthiest thing for me right now?" or "What would be the most self-caring thing to do?"

Thank you for the suggestions, notalone. Those are good questions rn.  :hug:

 :hug: to you Blueberry. 
Hope  :)

Take care Blueberry, I hope you feel better soon. Remember that you have been dealing with difficult things lately, maybe you just need a break.

  i love the idea of focusing on 'healthy' choices.  sending love and a caring, supportive hug, blueberry.   :bighug:

I think it is good that you are aware that it is your ICr, meaning it's fears, thoughts, memories of the past. Not necessarily truth of today.
I hope you did go to the farm, and that you decided you did want to go.

Quote from: Jazzy on October 07, 2019, 11:11:50 PM
Remember that you have been dealing with difficult things lately, maybe you just need a break.

:yeahthat:

My thoughts this morning before getting up made me realise it.

I didn't go to the farm. I feel a little bad about that, because they really could have done with me.

However, today I managed to get up and teach at 9 am. I even prepared in advance, wow.

I think the most beneficial thing for me to do today would be to stay upright ie. not go back to bed. I'm going to the funeral of a choir member this afternoon. So that's been another thing on my mind too. When somebody dies that tends to derail me a bit. Reminds me of my own mortality I guess. It was sudden too, an accident of the kind I go in for. When it's somebody of my parents' generation, as is the case here, it derails me even further.

Well, other than staying upright, I promised myself I'll finally go and have a bath and a hairwash. Don't want to go to a funeral feeling as physically messy as I do, even if emotionally in a bit of a mess atm. Though I can feel I'm on the way back up again, a little.

sorry about your loss, blueberry.  these things can be tough to deal with. 

glad for you that you feel on the way back up.  sending love and hugs.

Thank you, san  :)  :hug:

I still keep seeing our deceased choir member in my mind and it's still difficult to believe that he's gone. Going to the funeral did me good in various ways beyond the normal funeral reasons. I was back singing, I was back in the group. People were pleased to see me again.

After the funeral there was a wake at the church where we sing and then the choir practice after that. I was there the whole time, long enough to realise: in the main these people really accept me and singing in a group does me good. It's generally worth making the effort. I hadn't for quite a number of months. Today I even went to the other church choir practice where our choir director has recently started directing. Not all hymns are the same, but there is some overlap, and sometimes we even sing together. This way I get two evenings a week and get to practise more, which does me good.

I have a tendency to deny myself things based on Idk what exactly. It will certainly have something to do with my childhood. Some punishment mechanism probably. "You don't deserve this because..." / "You ought to be able to manage without this". That sort of thing. With being able to work a bit more, I had been neglecting pursuits that give me joy. It's very important for me to keep going with things which give me spontaneous joy. Singing does this for me, so does singing God's word. This evening we were singing something like  "the most badly injured will help heal the world" and I realised that that fits partially. Obviously there are people who have been very badly hurt emotionally who go on to hurt more and more people, but there are others e.g. on here who help hurt people indirectly (or directly) through their own healing.

So sorry for your loss.  :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop  :hug:

______________________________

Concrete beneficial step: On the spur of the moment I phoned ll. Good in a way because I dared and just did it! Bad because I wasn't well-prepared for his obfuscations etc. He came out again with the: "Look what all I do for you, how can you complain??" this time it is because he 'generously' paid for some small repairs in my apartment but didn't have to. That's news to me and I said so. It's a new law, tenants can be made to pay a certain amount a year for some repairs. What he of course neglected to add is that the new law is only applicable if the rental agreement is amended, which of course mine wasn't. I know because I've just researched.

Anyway, instead of criticising myself for not reacting better on the spur of the moment I will give myself  :applause: :applause: :applause: for phoning him at all because it really is difficult.

 :applause: :thumbup:

Definitley  :applause: :applause: :applause:

 :applause: :applause: :applause:
That is great, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Thank you all  :)  :hug:

______________________________
As I sit down to write, I notice I'm quite tired. That is good to notice because actually I had been intending to do some more work this evening, as well as write a few emails. I also need to make myself something to eat. There are vegetables to wash, chop and cook. So skip the work and make myself something nourishing to eat. Skip the emails too, whether work-related or other stuff.

This is what happens when I come back out of a bad spell: I have all sorts of impulses - things that have been waiting days, weeks, months to be done + new things where I suddenly have a creative idea + the day-to-day stuff + whatever occurs to me as plausible in next few days (e.g. it's sunny so do laundry and hang outside) - all this zooming around in my mind. It feels a bit as if energy is ricocheting around in me without me being able to pin it down and direct it into useful action.

A couple of hours ago I did manage to direct it into finally filing my current teaching notes into their proper files (by student).  :cheer: It's good for me to note that having done that, I feel better grounded. Energy could still go ricocheting around in me if I let it. But there is another part of me that could direct energy into something concrete and beneficial rn. So, even before doiny any moderating, I'm going to go and make myself something nutritious.  :)

There are things I want to write but I can feel them zooming off before I can type them. I did make myself a fairly nutritious meal and in so doing used up some leftovers and did some kitchen clear up.  :thumbup:

I've decided to have another go at not commenting on so many other peoples' posts. Read around and moderate if necessary, yes, but also try not to feel I need to comment and help other people on here. There are plenty of other members to do so. It's not my job as a Mod to try to help everybody or cheer everybody on. I'm sad in a way that my energy doesn't stretch that far. I appreciate being cheered on myself so no doubt it does other members good. 

Nevertheless there is so much I could be doing for myself atm - whether therapy and work-on-self or professional work, cleaning and tidying both apartment and office, practising my singing. And more! Like basic self-care which is often really difficult, going back up to the farm. Oh, I need to go to my GP, also the dentist. I think I need a hearing test and I definitely need to get some physio. I've been not getting round to that for over a year. And then of course getting on at ll to finally get that work finished, and other difficult stuff of that sort. Taxes. Other important forms.

This week I've once again decided to take my singing seriously. I think it's a bit of an EF when I decide otherwise. When I say to myself that it's not worth continuing singing in the choir and I can't sing anyway so just give up. It is true, I do have a lot of difficulty getting the correct notes. I often don't :whistling: but I'm accepted in the choir in spite of that. Being accepted just as I am is so different from my experience in FOO. It's worth going to choir practice and the ensuing services almost just for this new experience! Also the more I go to choir practice and sing God's words, the more I tend to go to church services in general, and they normally do me good. The more I go to choir practice, the more I have hymns running through my head at home. This week I've been thinking of the saying "Where you tend a rose, a thistle cannot grow." When I have the words of a hymn or a psalm and the tune running through my head, I can't simultaneously think up what I'd like to really say to ll or some neighbours in the building.
So reminder to self: keep going with singing.

**TW  SI in childhood **

Giving up singing in a group is like other situations where I've said to myself: "might as well throw in the towel". I'm not as good at something as I "should be" (Thanks FOO and ICr.) so it's not worth it, I'm not worth it, give it all up. That throws me back into depression and into old, old feelings of 'it's not worth my or anybody else's time or effort to do anything for me or to help me'. That's the impression FOO gave me growing up (and later): "Oh well, it's only Blueberry." (and worse impressions).  Callous, negligent, neglectful, uncaring towards me to such an extent that I didn't want to live. Recently my T helped me understand that although I continued to exist physically, I seldom tried to live any of my potential because that was unwanted most of the time and too dangerous for me. There were a few years here and there when things were less bad in FOO and I could show a bit more of my potential and of who I was and could maybe develop into, but then I had to shut it all down again. I couldn't live who I was, develop anything really. I mean I was ridiculed by somebody or other for more or less everything - facial expression, tone of voice... These things change when you sing, when you articulate words. So it was easier and less dangerous to not express anything in any way. "Throwing in the towel" is like going back to those years of clamming up, disappearing into walls and generally trying to not be noticed. That's only become clear now with writing about it.
**End TW **

So continuing to sing in choir is like saying: "Here I am. I'm not disappearing. In fact, I'm living, developing myself, working at my goals. I'm moving, breathing, existing. Inspite of FOO and their messages."

Quote from: Blueberry on October 11, 2019, 09:59:53 PM
I've decided to have another go at not commenting on so many other peoples' posts. Read around and moderate if necessary, yes, but also try not to feel I need to comment and help other people on here. There are plenty of other members to do so. It's not my job as a Mod to try to help everybody or cheer everybody on.

Reading this, it sounds kind of harsh. I've received lots of help, kindness, acknowledgement, support etc on here myself. Otoh I really think I need to cut back on commenting  for a while, for myself, to save more energy for me. Ah yes, I remember I've written to other mbrs on here that your own healing goes first. Now it's time to apply that to myself more than I have been doing :yes:.

I didn't do everything today that I'd intended but I made a good start. Finished two teaching contracts and sent them off, phoned somebody from the LETS group and have already got an appointment for her to come and help me clean since my apartment is really very untidy and dirty, and my office beginning to get out of control too. Once I know help is coming in a week or so, then I get going cleaning and tidying a bit myself rather than giving up before I start. I was up and about at 9 am, whereas last Saturday I didn't get going till the afternoon. I remember because I didn't even get to the farmer's market. Today I did.

I have two sources of food, where people drop stuff off rather than allowing it to be thrown out. From one of the sources I've been getting too much veg and salad and so on but also sweet things. It was hard for me, but today I emailed to ask that she reduces the amount she leaves for me. Partly it was difficult for eating-disorder reasons and partly feeling bad about saying "No" to generosity and care, even if it is now causing me stress - too much food in the kitchen, some going to waste or me looking for somebody to pass stuff on to. Not easy, but I did it! :cheer: It means I'm putting my health and needs in first place rather than somebody else's good feeling.  :cheer: Overcoming a FOO taboo.  :applause:

I did some more filing in my office, spent a few minutes in the garden looking at and sniffing my still blooming flowers, did some laundry but decided not to hang it out. I've just turned my heating back on for the winter too, so that'll help me. Being a little cold tends to make me depressed and inactive, very counter-productive. My heating is a bit wonky. I can't regulate it well overnight so sometimes it's 25°C in my bedroom in the middle of the night. One reason I delay turning it on in the fall. But today I decided: on with it. Turning it back on involves a monkey wrench, using tools is often nerve-wracking to triggering. Today beforehand I reminded myself that I've done it competently and successfully the past few years so no need to be frightened today. I managed without any problem and without postponing as well.  :applause:

I also played the keyboard for the first time in ages and practised a bit for choir tomorrow, also for the first time in ages. While washing the dishes this morning I listened to a CD and moved around a bit to the music too, also for the first time in quite a while. Also took my meds, which was difficult and partially not done last week, had some relatively nutritious food spaced out over the day, drank water and herbal tea. What didn't I do? I didn't brush my hair. Self-care is really hard. Did my brush my teeth several times though. Yep, sometimes if I push myself through some difficult self-care, I then get next to nothing done for the rest of the day. Hair brushed but otherwise exhausted / in an EF for the rest of the day. Hair brushed but not teeth. That kind of thing.

In the past couple of days a few good things too. The toilet sanitation problem is much improved. :thumbup: so following through with that was definitely beneficial.

On Thursday I went to a meeting which is partly social, partly discussing our volunteer/advocacy work - not cptsd (!). The last time I attended I managed to discuss problems of the previous meeting and talk about the way I felt treated. It took a bit of courage to go back, but it was all good. Everybody was friendly, no passive-aggressive comments or anything. It's good to note.

On Friday in conversation a topic about which I'd had a disagreement with a friend about 6 weeks ago came up again. This time we managed to talk about it calmly, we didn't interrupt each other. I didn't do any of the "but you said you'd do xy and then you didn't"  :thumbup: :applause: I realise now it's firmly fixed in her mind that she backed out of something she was going to help organise because she got sick. I recall a different sequence of events, but obviously it's not worth discussing. This is progress for me: sometimes disagreeing is good (e.g. when I told one of my neighbours that other people in the building complain about her too i.e. it's not true that everybody complains about me and me only) but sometimes it's good to let things drop and see how the situation can change going forwards. That's what I managed here. :cheer:

Glad to hear you're feeling better Blueberry. Especially that you're back to singing. I love singing, even though I'm horrible at it, and it is only for myself. :)

hey, blueberry,

i don't know exactly what the mod requirements are, but i'll echo you in what you've told others - we are our no. 1 priority.  i'm just glad for you that you're able to see that for yourself and you're taking it to heart.   :yes:

i'm also jazzed to hear that you want to get back to your singing!  that is so cool!   :thumbup:

and, also glad to hear that the toilet thing is better.  ugh!  that was horrible.  sending love and a hug full of 'blueberry rocks!'. :hug:

Thanks Jazzy and san  :)

Quote from: Jazzy on October 12, 2019, 10:30:48 PM
I love singing, even though I'm horrible at it, and it is only for myself. :)

Sounds like me, did you realise that? I love singing too, but I do not ever manage to hit all the correct notes in any hymn or song and now what with not having done much singing at all in the choir for months, things are pretty bad. So I'm probably what you'd call horrible at it too! I get drowned out by the rest of the choir though ;) so it doesn't bother the congregation. When I sing regularly with the choir, then I'm more likely to got to church services regularly and sing there and I'm more likely to sing to myself at home or even in my head. So in my case it's really worth keeping go with choir. It just does me so much good.  :)

____________________________

Today I was at the farm where I continued progress I made last time on doing something good for me in my breaks. Last time I was there, I was helping a lot more than usual and for 2 days not 1. I really needed my breaks and I really needed them to be good for me - e.g. processing stuff. In the daytime I don't really have my own room there, just a bed in the corner of a communal room, tho fortunately not the biggest, busiest room. So I sat there on my bed writing in my paper Journal and colouring in mandalas, neither of which are activities which another adult would do there in the middle of the day. I know that my feelings of guilt/shame for doing these things as well as fear of getting caught are flashbacks and the farm environment exacerbates that partly just because of the amount of work there is to do there. The question is not: "How many hours have I done?", the question is: "What still needs to be done?" 

A couple of women did actually come in while I was colouring in mandalas and I managed to feel almost OK about it. I also did some EFT without feeling too self-conscious about it. Nobody happened to come in anyway. Today I really needed my break between the end of my morning work and lunchtime. I didn't want to hide away anywhere, I wanted to be out in the warm sunshine and my body was in need of a stretch and of moving in ways I don't during my work. So I climbed up onto the trampoline and lay moving from one slow yoga-type exercise to another to help my body not feel so tense and tired. I realised while doing it - where anybody passing by would see - that this is a continuation of colouring mandalas in view of anybody. Doing either I feel vulnerable to criticism and self-conscious. But I'm beginning to feel less self-conscious and less vulnerable :) :cheer:

The other good thing about yoga on the trampoline was that I was following my body's impulses. That can be more useful and easier for me than following a proscribed program.

I know that I need more exercise but it's really hard for me. There are some blockages behind it. With singing and choir practice I will be working on breathing which gives e.g. stomach muscles a gentle work-out. Keeping going with choir and singing is beneficial for this reason then too. I've decided to follow that route for the next while, rather than trying to find some type of exercise class that would appeal enough for me to go regularly. I often feel if I add one extra activity I'm going to collapse, so actually adding weekly exercise isn't going to work anyway.

___________________

It's possible somebody else in this building decided to get revenge on me. Yesterday morning on leaving the house I noticed some brown liquid seeping from under a table in the front hall. Coffee? No. Two bags of veg that somebody leaves me had been put under the table and pushed to the far back, almost out of sight - certainly not visible from casually walking past. It's exceedingly unlikely that the woman who leaves them would have left them there, since it would have involved some effort. Having sat under there for ??12 hours? or more?, one of the bags was leaking brown liquid from very mushy radish leaves. I rescued the bags and contents, but unusually for me, I left the brown liquid on the floor (no time to clean up) and decided against cleaning it up later too. After all, it wasn't my fault I hadn't seen the bags, hidden away as they were. Beyond that, this is how everybody else in the building acts ;) - wait to see if somebody else cleans away your mess. Today when I got in from the farm, it had been cleaned up :) :thumbup: I'm really glad I waited.

Since I had had an urge to get revenge on a few people in my building, I had a gentle laugh at myself at this juncture and also have the idea that going out of my way to get revenge might not be the best idea. :no: Good on self for acknowledging :yes: :applause: If somebody else had told me that, I probably wouldn't take it too well however.

My T showed me an anger-reducing exercise involving grounding myself and then breathing and focussing eyes in a particular way. It would be good to try this instead of wanting revenge. I haven't managed to do the exercise yet. Last time I got in from T, I went straight to tackling the toilet sanitation problem. I'd say I'm more or less restabled after that and after various other things that have come my way since then. I'll manage the anger-reduction exercise when it's not going to overburden me.

Last week I had an appointment with the psychiatrist and for a problem I mentioned with filling in forms, he suggested various solutions which I didn't accept for various well-founded reasons. He did change the solutions a bit to try and find one that might work - I will give him that - and the final one I agreed might be possible. That would just be: finding a symbol for the part of me that blanks during form-filling and putting it in its own space while I go ahead and conjure up the part of me that is strong and competent when I'm teaching so that I can use this energy to complete whatever I need to.

Sounds easy probably - but I know for myself that the exercise is likely to throw up a bunch of additional topics and possibly just plain exhaust me. I think I just need time! My body and mind and emotions take the time they need to heal, acceleration isn't possible.

yeah, revenge is an extension of neg. energy that we have to conjure up w/in ourselves and does nobody any good.  i've had lots of revenge thoughts toward my ex.  i'm glad you were able to find a chuckle in yourself instead.  i like that alternative.   :yes:  also good for you for finding space for some eft.  i think that's great.  one step at a time - it's what we can do, and you're doing it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ steps of your choosing. :hug:

Yeah you're right, san, revengeful feelings carry negative energy. Deep down on some level I know that because M wanted revenge on people and things right, left and centre. Certainly on me for various things I couldn't even help doing or being (e.g. supposedly being favoured my some of her in-laws). I do have further thoughts on this but closing this can of worms for the evening.

I had a lot of getting-on-with-things energy today. Even phoned ll again. He had been 'meaning to get back to me'. Ha Ha. He's actually coming by tomorrow morning with the workman in question!! So my inquiry and bit of pressure last week worked even though ll's words at the time were accusatory and it sounded as if I was going to have to keep slogging away at this issue for months.

I was out in the garden picking various wild herbs to eat and did other garden work while I was about it. I also did lots of laundry and hung it out and got on with some heavy-duty cleaning in my bedroom as well as some in the kitchen. I even discarded a few items.  :thumbup: :applause: :cheer: for all of that.

I was thinking of emailing my parents because they've been behaving themselves for a while. It's good to say 'hello, the weather is blah' or some such neutral stuff so they don't try and contact me via somebody else again. However, I did notice my energy zooming off at the thought. I also noticed that my thoughts started stuttering and I was having trouble finding my words. It's like an EF at the mere thought of FOO. In M's presence my linguistic ability in my native language tended to do a nose-dive, when I was an adult anyway, i.e. not that long ago - when I was last in contact in person or by phone. Very telling. So I haven't emailed them, I don't want to lose what remains of today's energy.

All in all, it has been a good day of getting things done and of personal resilience when a few things didn't go quite to plan. Those things didn't throw me as they sometimes do. I found other things to do. e.g. about an hour ago I wanted to type up some of my own notes - business stuff - and I couldn't find my notes anywhere. So I sat and did something much easier in my office. Then after that I had a brainwave and found the notes. I can type them tomorrow.  :)

There are a few posts on here that I'd like to respond to, but I realise that I don't have any more energy for that this evening.

I can't remember if I wrote this already. Reading back in here some days ago showed me that I have cycles of about 3 weeks: feeling good and getting things done, then getting overwhelmed and needing to recuperate, climbing back up out of EFs and feeling good again, getting overwhelmed/triggered etc etc.... I was sure I'd written that here but I don't see where. Anyway, I have T next week so I'm getting prepared for the possibility of the subconscious processing in the days following the appointment. T itself doesn't seem to overwhelm me anymore during the appointment, but in the days after - well, another story. The improvement is me looking to next week and planning for the possibility rather than being blind-sided by it.

wow!  so much good stuff here, blueberry.   :cheer: is right!

i particularly like how you've noticed these 3-week patterns for yourself.  i'm wondering if i have something like that going on.  you've given me something to think about.  thanks.

and good for you for recognizing in your body what kind of impact the whole foo thing has on you.  i think that's a big deal in a very good way.

sending love and hugs! :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on October 15, 2019, 06:11:45 PM
Even phoned ll again. He had been 'meaning to get back to me'. Ha Ha. He's actually coming by tomorrow morning with the workman in question!! So my inquiry and bit of pressure last week worked even though ll's words at the time were accusatory and it sounded as if I was going to have to keep slogging away at this issue for months.

They did come but it wasn't easy. Before the ll turned up, the painter accused me of having bought a new flyer holder so that's why it hadn't fitted the holes, wasn't his job to make new holes. That set the scene rather. In retrospect I shouldn't have shown him the spot on the wall before ll turned up. I hadn't realised the painter was going to go denial mode. I guess I 'should have' guessed based on his previous behaviour. So both those 'should have' sentences will get re-worded into EFT "I accept and forgive myself even though..." later.

In conversation with ll and the painter things escalated a bit verbally on my side - I got a bit louder, not really loud, but it was noticeable that I was annoyed. The painter accused me of not knowing how to engage with people in normal conversation, so I asked him what about his accusation of my having bought a new flyer holder, which he denied doing.

ll said I'd better calm right down or he'd not have the painter do any of the work. He also went on about the money spent on us tenants and the money he is going to spend on other improvements. 'So shut up and be grateful' is the message I'm getting. ll also went on to ask me how I dared having flyer holders on the outside wall anyway and when I said the previous ll had allowed it, he threatened about that not being valid unless it's in writing, which of course it isn't. "See, if you get difficult, we'll get difficult too" said ll, while the painter nodded sanctimoniously. That is a direct quote from ll.

If I asked an ll to give me something like permission to put up a flyer holder in writing, he'd be annoyed at the time-wasting and probably tell me to take a hike. In fact this current ll gave me permission to put up a sign on the outside wall, which I haven't done yet since I haven't even ordered the sign, and of course he didn't give it to me in writing. 

I did calm down, things did calm down, and the painter is going to come by end of next week to finish the work. But I also told my ll about the work I'm doing with the old garden compost which an official town inspector for historic buildings had complained about. The old compost from way, way back is way too close to the garden wall, supposedly could damage the wall. (Actually I've been discovering that the wall behind the compost is in a much better state than most other parts of the wall.) ll told me about that in about May when he dropped by to look at various issues. So from me: See, I don't just complain and cause problems, I actually start dealing with things. (Not in so many words of course).

I had intended to write and send 2 payment reminders today but I realise that I've dealt with enough difficult things today with having that discussion with ll and the painter this morning. Trying to push myself on to doing the payment reminders too is going to backfire.  :thumbup: :applause: for realising this and going through with it, i.e. doing normal things today. Like teaching, cooking for myself. Which is important because when I push myself too much, then I can't even do normal, I can only do really simple, like wash a few dishes, read a book, do crosswords, lie long in bed

So today's actions are probably part of key to not collapsing with such frequency.  :)

 :thumbup: :hug:

Good self-awareness, Blueberry. :applause:

My ICr aka my parents is/are telling me that I react with disproportionate emotion to somebody dying who I'm not close to. At least now, as opposed to earlier today, I realise it is my ICr.

A friend told me today that her neighbour who is my old ll (in a previous location) died suddenly a couple of weeks ago. I'm not weeping or anything like that but just a bunch of pictures are coming up in my mind of day-to-day interactions with him, his wife and family. My apartment was above theirs so I'd meet them in the stairwell all the time. Things were generally pretty harmonious. Nothing like with my current ll or people in the current building. I'm still glad I moved from there to where I am now because my rent is lower, I have a garden, I'm in a quieter street but still very central.

Sometimes I used to dream I was still living there but had to move, or had to move within their building into weird spaces you wouldn't normally live in. The same sort of dreams I've had about having to move out of my present place but not having anywhere to go to.

A second choir member died last week. I had a few short but fairly deep conversations with her of the kind I never had or would have had with my old ll, so I'm surprised old ll's death seems to be bringing up more memories. But then I did live in that house for 8 or 9 years. The first half year after that I was house-sitting for the neighbours - my friends - so of course I still had some interaction with ll. He even helped me a couple of times with quick handyman kind of stuff.

Anyway something my parents apparently didn't know and possibly still don't is that your emotions on somebody dying (as also on many other things) are not cognitive and there is no 'wrong' to their existence. Also that it's best to express them in a healthy way than shove them down. My healthy way has just been to take a couple of hours and allow them to drift through, the way you might let thoughts or images drift through in a meditation. Just allowing myself and my feelings, memories to be.

btw these 3 people I knew who've died in the past weeks were all 75 yo or older. No really young people involved.

Spending a lot of time lying in bed sleeping and dozing. Though I did make it to choir practice yesterday and aim to make it to the actual choir service today. Before that, it would be good to have a bath and wash my hair. I can at my friends' since they are away and I'm looking after their pets. Yesterday I was thinking all day I should just write a letter of condolence to my old landlady and drop it in her letterbox when I go over to feed my friends' pets next door. So "should just" wasn't so easy. Writing just isn't. Even buying a condolence card wasn't easy. I actually have two to write, couldn't decide on two so bought four. Still can't decide. Not that it should matter but... 'should' isn't a useful word.

So now it would be good to give myself permission to go over for a bath and hairwash and maybe give the pets a treat but not have to write the condolence card first. I don't have to at all actually. But I want to.

Hi Blueberry,
I was reading what you wrote here, and thinking about how 'should' tends to be such a blockage - I relate to that very much myself.  I think with the 4 condolence cards, maybe access your subconscious mind by getting some playing cards or dice and see what number comes up, and then just deal the condolence cards in that order till the matching number comes up - and then see if your sub-conscious mind or inners/anyone thinks that's the right card for the person you're considering giving it to - or not.  Re-deal the cards or the dice till you feel happier with the result, and then you've got the right card.
(Blueberry, I feel as if I'm not in control completely of having written that - it's as if there's a keen part of myself that wanted to share that with you, so if it's actually not very sensitive of me - I apologise).
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on October 18, 2019, 08:55:55 PM
My ICr aka my parents is/are telling me that I react with disproportionate emotion to somebody dying who I'm not close to. At least now, as opposed to earlier today, I realise it is my ICr.

Glad that you were able to recognize the inner critic talking. I think it is a normal reaction to feel strongly about someone's death, even if you weren't close. It ties in with feelings from other losses. I think that is very normal. And no "shoulds" in grieving, either too little or too much or too soon or too late. Whatever you feel is okay.

Regarding your coloring; where I live "adult coloring" is popular. This summer I sat outside of a restaurant with friends, chatting and coloring. If you lived near me, you could hang out with my friends and me and color with us!

Quote... my parents is/are telling me that I react with disproportionate emotion to somebody dying who I'm not close to...

Or is it that your parents under-react? 🤔😉

You've come such a long way.  :yourock:

Thanks 3R and it's good to see you back :)
F underreacts, M actually not but she's 'exempt' from rules that apply to me ...

I actually managed to get to the choir service, then do a bit of housework and even garden clean-up followed by bath and hairwash today. I also wrote and delivered the condolence card. Now I'm about to go up to the farm.

Whoa!

Great job accomplishing all those things Blueberry! Enjoy your time at the farm. :)

Thanks notalone, I'll think of me sitting with you and friends and colouring in :) I think on the farm if adults want to work with colour, they end up drying flowers for herbal tea or chopping flowers and herbs for cream cheeses or even making a huge colourful salad. Or last night when I arrived, somebody was slicing up mushrooms of various different colours to dry on a rack. You don't sit down and do something as non-useful as colouring in. Though for me it works as a centring mechanism and once I centre and focus I can then start processing a bit while I colour.

I did Screen Processing on me sitting in the garden colouring in, at least a year ago. More or less most of FOO appeared on the Screen. Possibly even my grandparents. So there's definitely something vulnerable out of my past too. Maybe being ridiculed, yup, inner head is nodding. Yeah, well, there often is more than one issue behind something difficult.

Thanks Jazzy, good to read your response because I've just come back from the farm thiking of this whole long list of things I ought to be doing. It's good to remember that I accomplished a lot yesterday so I maybe don't need to dive straight in with 100 things tonight.

No worries, Hope ;D I eventually got on with the condolence card by choosing the most neutral. As often is the case I possibly simply needed time to make a decision :Idunno:, even if other people would make a decision quickly.

Talking about decision-making, I often take quite a while, partially because I read up on topics, weigh pros and cons etc. I wish I'd done that before getting varifocals, when I needed new glasses in the summer. I've already been back to the optician's once to say they're not working to plan. I was told to wait and try a little longer since I have 3 months in which to decide if they're good or not. Well they aren't functioning well for me, not at all. They're getting worse. I can't see properly in the dark, everything's a bit out of focus 95% of the time when I'm cycling although the optician told me that wouldn't be a problem. Well it is a problem. Atm this problem with sight combined with me becoming hard-of-hearing is making me feel - I'm not sure exactly - but certainly not good. Basic tasks like sweeping the floor, washing dishes are harder because I can't see properly. I would say I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and as if I'm in another world and it also reminds me of dissociative states because in some of them I felt as if there was a glass wall between me and the world.

I need to find the receipt so I can take them back and then see whether I get my money refunded or will the optician just give me normal lenses for short-sightedness? That's what I want, but maybe I should try out a different optician. That's something I need to deal with this week.

so many parts and levels to those parts - it's amazing we've survived this mainly intact.  i shake my head in wonder at it all sometimes.  no wonder those 'shoulds' keep coming up - they, alone, seem to have a ton of baggage attached to them.  but, kudos to you for continuing the battle against them :applause:.  warrior spirit to the fore.

and, congrats to you for all you accomplished in a very short time.  :cheer:  well done, you!   :yes:  you are definitely moving forward, and it's lovely to see.  sending love and a hug full of continuing spirit :hug:

Thanks san for seeing progress in me and commenting on it  :hug:

________________________________

Current ll is a bully. Last time he was here - last week with the painter -, he said that if I was going to be difficult, then he (and the painter) would be difficult too. Triggers all sorts of stuff, and beyond that obviously he's not going to do anything for us in the building unless he wants to. Probably other building owners in the street and/or the Town had been hassling him on the appearance of the building, so that's why he got it painted. Next year he's going to get shutters put up on the upper floors at the front - whether we want to use them or not. I could do with them at the back actually where I have really bad windows... But dealing with an inner front door that you now have to lean on to get it to close properly?? Or telling the other tenants in the building they actually have to close the inner front door??  :no: :no: No chance. He was fine with telling me we're not allowed (i.e. I'm not allowed) to lock the outer front door and I've complied.

ll's bullying words trigger quite a few incidents from childhood. I notice I don't even want to write them down atm.

Oh well. Nothing that I can change atm.

bullies suck - sorry you have to go thru this one more time, sweetie.  love and hugs! :hug: :hug:

 :pissed:

Bullies suck. Sorry you have such a ll.  :hug:

Thanks san and 3R. It's a real pain, having an ll like him.  :pissed: :thumbdown:

Your ll sounds very annoying. 
Hope  :)

Don't you just hate having to be nice to ugly minded people

I avoid 'have to' in my vocabulary ;) I've had no dealings with ll today so that's a plus.

_______________________________

I had therapy today and I felt so tired afterwards I slept all afternoon. My T listed all sorts of progress I made today and have made since starting therapy with him. Progress on creating emotional and physical distance between me and FOO. And progress with going slowly into emotions and dealing with what comes, including going back out again when too much, which was the case today. It was really strenuous today. Now I'm going to choir practice though in spite of that.  :sunny:

Three (or more) Good Things today:

- Therapy
- I forgot to take my train discount pass with me today but the conductor didn't ask to see it, which is unusual but very lucky  :)
- After therapy and train ride home, I just had time to nick to the market and get something from the farm stall
- Allowing myself to sleep all afternoon inspite of the nice sunny weather
- My teaching went well this evening despite the fact that I hadn't prepared (oops)
- Choir practice - I had to force myself to go, but it did me good. My head still has traces of melody in it :)
- When I got back home, somebody had already put the garbages out and shut the inner front door properly :thumbup: It's often slightly ajar so good to note when somebody other than me does actually close it

 :applause:
I often sleep after therapy. It is exhausting. Glad you have a song in your head.  :whistling:

Quote from: Blueberry on October 11, 2019, 09:59:53 PM
I've decided to have another go at not commenting on so many other peoples' posts. 

NTS! I have been getting a bit better about not feeling I had to comment on more or less everybody's posts, but just reminding myself again.

Quote from: Blueberry on October 11, 2019, 09:59:53 PM
Nevertheless there is so much I could be doing for myself atm - whether therapy and work-on-self or professional work, cleaning and tidying both apartment and office, practising my singing. And more! Like basic self-care which is often really difficult, going back up to the farm. Oh, I need to go to my GP, also the dentist. I think I need a hearing test and I definitely need to get some physio. I've been not getting round to that for over a year. And then of course getting on at ll to finally get that work finished, and other difficult stuff of that sort. Taxes. Other important forms.

ll has finally got that work done, which I'd been waiting months for. The head painter didn't come, fortunately, since he's similar to ll. No, a more junior painter came. He was fine.

A few days ago someone came from the LETS group and did a bunch of cleaning for me, so my apartment is in a much better state. I did some tidying before and afterwards and even threw out a bunch of papers  :)  :applause: so I'm feeling better about that atm.

blueberry, i think that was a great reminder for yourself, and i'm so glad for you that you're spending more time and energy on you, what you can do for you, what's best for you.  you deserve you most of all.  :yes:  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Good to hear that you're doing better than you were before.

Getting a place cleaned up is always nice. Even if doing the job itself is so challenging, and sometimes just impossible.

Thanks Sceal  :)

Progress continued today: placing my boundaries. I live and work in a pedestrian precinct. Cars and trucks are allowed in especially for delivery. But only tradesmen with special permits are allowed to park in front of most buildings, including my own. When my business neighbour took on his business, there were a lot of tradesmen in our street, parking in front of his place and mine. He grumbled about that. He didn't seem to notice any irony in the last idk 6 weeks that he parks in front of my place all Saturdays and some weekdays. He could park in front of his own, but no, he chooses mine.

He's not actually allowed to park in front of either of them. I did warn him that he might get a ticket but that didn't seem to faze him. Today I finally told him to please move his car away from the front of my business. He pleaded about "next time" :blahblahblah: Nope. In front of his own business or elsewhere. I guess he knows that a car in front of your business is bad for business because he drove his car elsewhere. A few weeks ago I was wondering how to address this issue and now I've done it  :thumbup:  :applause:

Hi Blueberry,
That is really good that you got him to move his car, and I'm glad he listened to you that time.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope!   :)

Despite the heavy-duty work in therapy on Wednesday, I'm doing pretty well. I'm managing to stay upright instead of succumbing to my bed most of the time and I'm also doing at least some professional work. I also find myself slowly doing things in my apartment. Though looking after myself is often an effort in these times, I find myself picking up papers and filing them in the bin or to keep, taking my compost down into the garden, taking a few items to a second-hand shop and that kind of thing. Those are small activities that help to keep me slightly, well, active.

Today a friend came by and helped me write the paragraphs I needed. Just in the final paragraph which was about how cptsd affects me, did I need to step away from the computer and allow her to take over the actual typing. Before that, she just made suggestions on more precise writing and better structure - things that are often hard for me when I feel stressed as with this application - and I typed them. But when it came to cptsd, my mind went blank.

 :applause: for confronting your neighbor about parking in front of your business.

The "small activities" are indeed an accomplishment, especially after deep work in therapy.
Glad your friend was there to help you. I certainly understand the mind going blank.

On Sunday and onto today I succumbed to sleep, bed, dozing. I didn't go to the farm. I didn't get up today until a student was coming. Yesterday I don't think I drank all day tho I have started again today.

It's possible that I just haven't given myself enough  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for finally having that explanation I so desperately need finished. Well, I still have to print it out and attach it to the form, but otherwise it's done. And I have to deliver it. This early morning I thought that since I hadn't gone to the farm, I could deliver it instead. :doh: When will I learn? That's my usual punishment system. Why didn't I go to the farm? Combination of depression and too many things planned. So deciding to do something difficult on Monday that I'd planned for Tuesday is not going to help.

Well, now I'll go and buy myself some juice because if I mix it with water, it helps me to start drinking again properly. I'll probably buy something easy to prepare and eat too. I haven't been eating either.

Props to you for taking some steps in a helpful direction!  :cheer: :applause:

Thanks 3 R  :)  :hug:

___________________

Today I got on with more stuff, though it's difficult. I finally went to the optician's again to complain that I'm still not seeing properly. They finally took it seriously this time and re-tested my eyes and changed the numbers so I guess they made a mistake when they first tested my eyes. On top of that, the optician mentioned that the lenses were made wrongly so that my eyes were looking through an unfocussed bit when they're meant to be seeing into the distance.

I said I'd prefer to just go back to normal glasses for short-sightedness but he said I won't when the lenses are done properly. Here's hoping.

With that generally having gone well, I got up the courage and impetus to go and get myself a digital biometric passport photo so I can renew my passport, which is expiring in about a week. Oh dear, even if FOO had some 'emergency' I wouldn't be able to leave the country. I don't think I'd be going somehow anyway, so I'm not too cut up about the lack of a passport. Though it is better to have a valid one.

So those are two things off my To Do List.

I realise today (for not the first time) how not being able to see clearly in all situations has been slowing me down, making me depressed, and making me feel at a loss somehow. It was making everything more difficult. I'm rather, um, sensitive, but that's just the way I am.

 :hug:

I'm gonna pop in here and weigh in on the sensitivity issue. There are benefits to being sensitive, or being an HSP (highly sensitive person). We're more caring, can easily put ourselves in others' shoes, we're more insightful, and generally more aware of our surroundings and the people around us. We see and respond to beauty more often and more deeply. And that's just for starters! 😉

Granted, we may feel discomfort now and then, or face judgements from our less-than-sensitive friends and family. But I'll take that trade off any day over being clueless to others. You be you, Blueberry! You're awesome. ❤️

I hope when you get the new glasses your vision is better. I know that has been troubling you for quite awhile.  :applause: for going to the optician and letting them know you were having trouble seeing.

Quote from: notalone on October 30, 2019, 10:03:23 PM
I hope when you get the new glasses your vision is better. I know that has been troubling you for quite awhile.  :applause: for going to the optician and letting them know you were having trouble seeing.

:yeahthat:

It's great you were able to go back and have them admit the mistake and get it fixed. Take care! :)

Thanks notalone and Jazzy :) Your posts remind me that it's not easy for me to do these types of things. I still have to wait two weeks for the new lenses, but at least there's an end in sight! And yeah, nobody accused me of making things up, nobody said "too bad, you're going to have to put up with it".  :)  :thumbup: :cheer:

What do you think Three Roses? Could being sensitive be something a bit like being mindful? Once I stop rushing around, I slow down enough to notice that it's actually my new glasses weighing heavily on the bridge of my nose, especially bad when I'm wearing something on my head like even a headband covering my ears, which I cannot do without in winter. Who would have thought that? FOO was never too sensitive about my protestations of things e.g. footwear not fitting properly. A permanent, faint ache? That's life. So I partially stopped feeling things physically and partially put up with them if I noticed, even if the ache was pretty bad. I remember it took me a number of months to go to the doctor's with a terrible headache. I'd never had one before so I thought mine was normal, just to be put up with. It wasn't. There was even a cure! Now I'm saying "No! I'm not putting up with it!" I'm saying something!

QuoteCould being sensitive be something a bit like being mindful?

:yes: :yes: :yes: Being mindful allows us to stop and take in each moment as it passes. But I think it may go a little deeper than that, at least for me, because I can notice each moment, but I have to do more than just "noticing" to tap into the wonderful array of emotions that lie beneath the surface - the rapture of a sunset, the joy at seeing children playing, the wonder of discovering something new I'd never noticed. I'll go out on a limb here and express my opinion that the non-sensitive are really not able to do that, or at least not to the extent that HSP can.  :hug:

A step forward today: I had been wondering about going away on a weekend seminar in a few weeks. This morning I looked around my apartment and seeing all the mess and untidiness, I thought to myself that it would be better to concentrate on things at home in the next weeks and not go rushing off to some other distraction. The real step forward is the way I spoke to myself. There was none of that haranguing ICr. Instead a mixture of matter-of-fact and caring, gentle.  :thumbup:  :cheer:

In other good news: my business neighbour actually parked outside his place today instead of mine! I went into his shop and thanked him specially ;D just in case he had done it accidentally or because he had to. He was on the grumpy side but at least he didn't have any excuses.

Oh, yeah I forgot as in it slipped my mind while I was writing the good stuff: last night I had a bad FOO dream again. I was in a car with my elder brother and it transpired that M had up and left the country with younger B to go to her home country thousands of miles away where GrF was dying and neither of my parents had bothered to tell me or consider whether I might want to go or not. 

B1 is actually only 1.5 years older than me but once again in that dream he was acting for the parents, he had been given power over me by them. :pissed: My immediate impulse was to throw eggs at a wall. Not that I could do that in a car... But that was my impulse and it's a step forward too actually because I didn't injure myself nor have any impulse to do so. Nor did I start screaming hysterically the way I supposedly did in my teens when feeling verbally /emotionally / psychologically overpowered by B1.

The other good thing: I'm up and awake and doing stuff. I don't feel derailed or anything after this dream.  :)

In actual fact, I was at GrF's funeral and with him in the weeks before he died whereas my brothers weren't. And it was me who was badgering M to tell my brothers that he was more than just 'rather unwell'.

QuoteMy immediate impulse was to throw eggs at a wall. Not that I could do that in a car... But that was my impulse and it's a step forward too actually because I didn't injure myself nor have any impulse to do so. Nor did I start screaming hysterically the way I supposedly did in my teens when feeling verbally /emotionally / psychologically overpowered by B1.

That must be such a welcome change! I feel that these better impulses and reactions in your dreams are especially a good sign - with dreams being mostly uncontrollable and all... It's like your subconscious fighting against your past reactions.

Thanks Complex! Once I thought about it and started writing about it, I realised what a welcome change it was :yes:

This afternoon I had a nap and the dream continued. There I actually confronted M with her behaviour and even said "How dare you...?" irl that wouldn't help anything, I know because I have confronted FOO mbrs before. But in my dream it's different because FOO doesn't necessarily react the way they do irl, with denial, rage, gaslighting etc, or at least not with the strength and ferocity with which they deny. Saying in my dream "How dare you...?" to abusive FOO mbrs is a definite step forwards for me.

So, good that I allowed myself the nap as well. I obviously needed it for further healing. As a result I got fewer things done today than I had hoped to manage, but healing is more important than filing papers, dusting bookshelves etc. :yes:

Great that you were able to talk to yourself in a matter-of-fact, caring, gentle manner. That is a really big deal. Also that you not only weren't derailed by your dream, but asserted yourself when the dream continued.  :cheer:

Thanks notalone :)  Something I read in my paper Journal from about 2 months ago showed me I was unknowingly setting the seed for the change in tone to myself at that point.

_______________________
Today I had trouble getting out of bed, not for the first time. I considered what the issue was. "Too much stuff planned, too many difficult things." I didn't actually have very much at all on my 'Coulds' list today and bare minimum on 'highly Recommended'. The 'Coulds' was the problem, so I pared down one item on that. I had planned to get up early and vacuum and mop through downstairs in entrance hall and outside my office. I decided to just vacuum instead. With that decision made, I was able to get up and do the job. Somebody else can mop, or I'll do it when I feel more energetic.

So it's good for me to note once again that 'Coulds' are just that, that's why they're not on the 'Highly Recommend' list ;)

Now I've spent a good few hours in the garden cleaning up the tree-pruning effort of Sunday, raking leaves and stuff like that as well as wiping down and drying my garden furniture to put in the basement for the winter, which I've never done before. The chairs are showing it too. 

To be able to put my garden furniture in my basement section, I had to remove something left by a predecessor. I decided on the weekend it should go up into the attic where we all supposedly have storage space but the door to the attic is blocked by stuff from one neighbour and the stairs are used as her storage space too. So I lugged it upstairs and put a note on it asking "How do I get into the attic?" ;D Said neighbour can put up with the item or clear the space in front of the door, whatever she prefers.

There were a number of steps involved in all of that. It's jobs with steps that I often have difficulty following through with. But today I managed that well. And it's been raining on and off all morning which didn't bother me in the least. I actually enjoyed my garden work :)  I realised while I was doing it that the reason I had no energy to mop was that it simply wasn't priority for me. More like: 'I should do that because nobody else will'. Although it's the same thing with a little of the garden work I did today, it seems to have been a day for garden work and most of it was my own work anyway. Also it's not repetitive work like cleaning. If I were to clean more today, then my own apartment.

Wow, you've been busy! Good boundary work regarding the attic too. :applause:

Thank you for writing down your thought processes regarding shoulds and coulds. I find it useful because it inspires me to think about how I can apply to my life.

Thanks Snowdrop. I'm always glad when things I write help others too because I write so much :aaauuugh:

___________________
A couple of days ago I asked myself what I would do if I won €5000. The spontaneous answer: buy a better bicycle again and go back to singing lessons!

Of course I haven't won €5000 or any other amount but there is that FOO money... So I signed up for occasional singing lessons again. I went today and will on Monday too. Both the choirs I'm in are singing on Tuesday (it's another funeral, of a retired priest this time) and both choirs are singing separately and at different times for normal church services on Sunday.

In the lesson today, I again noticed improvement :cheer: and that's without having done any exercises specifically from singing lessons. Of course we do some in choir practice but not to the degree possible in one-on-one. One change that may have come about from choir practice is my attempt to pick up the note by ear and sing it low before I start the actual exercise. I then lose it again while concentrating on all sorts of other stuff in the warm-up exercises, but baby steps count here too! In fact I've decided that baby steps count in all areas of my life, whether directly healing or Other. Because improvements in Other is generally somehow also a result of healing.

At the very end of the lesson after a good few tries, I finally got a little sequence of high notes. I felt so good at this achievement! I felt good physically - well singing is physical. My instructor even wanted to keep me a few minutes longer to work on it further because it was such a breakthrough! I had to decline so I could catch my train home.

An additional constructive, beneficial activity I'd like to integrate at least a couple of times a week is singing warm-up exercises. I have them written out in my little book but I hardly ever do any at home. At most in the train on the way to my lesson in rather a subdued manner of course so nobody else notices. Or sometimes I even imagine myself doing them. That tends to make me yawn like crazy, which is a good sign.

Regularly at home though would improve: lung capacity, neck and face relaxation, general breathing. It would also strengthen certain muscles used for singing. I decided a little while ago to stick to singing and see that for the exercise it is, rather than trying to take up some regular exercise class and now I'll be having a go at useful singing/breathing exercises more regularly. Before one of my choir practices would be a good idea and then see when else during the week or day it could be good to take a little break and do one or two exercises. 5 - 10 minutes and it's done. It doesn't have to be all possible exercises, nor does it have to be audible ones when I'm having trouble existing. Breathing isn't audible to anybody outside my apartment.

I'm glad this is working out for you! Singing is so much fun, such a creative outlet.  :thumbup:

Glad to hear you're improvements. Regular warm up exercises sounds like a great idea! I'm behind you 100% on that.

QuoteIn fact I've decided that baby steps count in all areas of my life, whether directly healing or Other.

Totally agree, baby steps are very important no matter what they involve.

Take care! :)

I had quite a few things planned for today including singing in both my choirs. I woke up with a sore throat and ear-ache which can be a sign of an impending cold or a sign that everything is too much. So back to  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: till noon.

:sunny: is shining through the window on to me atm which is very nice :)

I tried feeling into whether it's 'just' a cold on the horizon or whether other things but no inner response.

It's Sunday so I can't even buy lemon or ginger.  :thumbdown:

<makes you a hot lemon and honey drink>

I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop :hug:

I actually found a sachet of dried elderberry drink in my cupboard so I was able to make that. I can keep drinking tea too. Sage is meant to be good to gargle. I do have sage.

So now instead of 'gadding about', I'm indoors doing tiny, unstrenuous jobs which is good too. Yesterday on one of my forages, I found some dumped garden flowers like roses that were still good. I put them in vases yesterday, but today I arranged them in a nice way after cutting off dead heads, extraneous leaves etc. They look much nicer now :) One example of a tiny, unstrenuous job which brightens up my day and my apartment.

Yesterday I was out and about with a cargo bike, carting garden refuse including tree branches to the municipal garden refuse dump. I felt really good doing that, as is usually the case on the cargo bike. It feels empowering being on it :)  I can finally deal with things I used not to be able to do because I can't drive. Although many people including probably most mbrs on here can drive a car despite cptsd, there are various reasons why I think my inability is cptsd-related. I got a lot of flak and aggro from FOO, even from extended FOO, in the past about not being able to, just to add insult to injury.

Have you ever tried using blackberry vinegar for a sore throat? It works well in hot water with honey. Thyme is good too.

Being on the cargo bike sounds really rewarding  :).

hey, blueberry, i don't drive anymore, don't know if i can anymore, and i do think it's c-ptsd related now.  i've been driving for about 55 yrs., it was my freedom and independence, but i don't think i can actually think quickly enough anymore to be in traffic.  scared i'll panic, make a wrong move, cause an accident.  just wanted to let you know, you're not alone, and that i agree that could be it for you.

however, it's nothing to be ashamed about.  dang, there are so many people on the road who don't belong there with their rage issues, etc.  i think it's a self-care thing, and a caring for others as well.  self-care in that you're aware that driving is not a safe thing for you, for whatever reason, so you've chosen not to do it.  i give you a lot of credit for that.  and poo on those who would put you down for it. (my opinion only).

i also give you credit for continuing to travel by bike to get to where you want to go.  well done! :thumbup:  lots of progress, too, in being able to do now what you weren't able to do before.  you go, girl!  sending love and a hug filled with spirit.   :hug:  and hope your throat feels better soonest.

Snowdrop, no I've never even heard of blackberry vinegar before. Here, elderberry syrup is one of the things people use. I've never made either but maybe next year... Tomorrow is Monday, I can buy a lemon and some ginger root. One of my friends reckons she can throw off an impending cold by pouring boiling water over shredded ginger root and drinking. I take my anti-deps and things like that but I'm not really into normal anti-cold medicine, so I avoid all that .

As often as not, it's a sign I need to slow down a bit, cuddle up warm in bed and probably revise my priorities. Oh well, just the way it is.

Yep, the cargo bike feels rewarding, that's a good word for it. Sometimes when I'm on it, I have the feeling that this is what it must feel like to have a car. You can just keep piling more stuff onto it and you can still stop enroute and add something else. Not possible with just a bike rack and panniers. There's a freedom aspect to it. I no longer have to put up with not being able to do things, like clear all those branches etc out of the garden that my neighbour didn't 'have time' or the inclination to do, and I no longer have to ask people for help, some of whom then use that as an opportunity to criticise me for not having a car or license.

Thanks san for your words. Some ideas in there I'd never even thought of.  :hug:

You're certainly not alone with the driving. I ended up having my driver's license taken. While I could probably go get it back now, I don't think its a very good idea. Sorry your FOO gives you trouble about that, but you know what is best for you, so don't listen to them! :)

Its great you have a cargo bike to hold all your extra nature, and I'm sure many other things. That sounds like a great example of overcoming your inabilities. Good job!

I hope your throat feels better soon, and it doesn't interfere with your singing too much. I was always told to gargle extremely salty water (not swallow it), maybe that would help too?

Take care! :)

I hope you're feeling better, Blueberry. :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop  :hug:   I'm just taking it slowly. Sitting at my computer in the sun atm but often lying in bed.

That sounds like a good idea. Sending you love, hugs and get well soon wishes. :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on November 08, 2019, 01:05:12 PM
An additional constructive, beneficial activity I'd like to integrate at least a couple of times a week is singing warm-up exercises. I have them written out in my little book but I hardly ever do any at home. ...Before one of my choir practices would be a good idea and then see when else during the week or day it could be good to take a little break and do one or two exercises. 5 - 10 minutes and it's done.

NTS: It's possible that this idea was too much after all. I notice I can't write more though I have more thoughts on it.

I decided this afternoon it was time to feel better and get on with a few things other than lying in bed dozing and reading. I am teaching this evening but thought it would be better to get up beforehand.

When I look at anything I ought to be doing work-wise, my energy disappears. I will teach later. I taught yesterday 2 times. But anything else including writing homework, renewing a contract :no:

Non-work: I took a load of books back to the library, I tried to take some new books a club I'm in is donating but I'd forgotten :doh: that the library is closed today. At least I tried though.
I watered my roses and blackcurrants. I ought to cut them back a bit. Maybe tomorrow. Or Saturday.

I need to do laundry, which is something I usually can do fairly easily. But now for weeks I haven't done any. :Idunno: :Idunno:

On the positive side, I did do a few things. I also noticed that for some reason I seem to still need time to regroup.

I remembered something from my past while teaching this evening. My exam students all have to give a presentation in a foreign language. This evening's student is nervous and gets quieter and quieter till inaudible. While I was encouraging him to speak up - really interesting, unusual topic - go for it!!, I remembered myself at school and even in uni, struggling to speak loudly enough, struggling not to lose my train of thought. It was not easy!

At uni, when asked by a prof to please speak up so my fellow students could hear, I replied that is was probably better they didn't hear. I really believed my presentation was so bad, it was better not to hear it.  :doh: :doh:

I'm glad I don't have any students this year who seem so negative and self-destructive. In fact as I think on it, the parents of this evening's student are supporting him instead of being destructive towards him. Even before they sent him to me, they bought him some additional books to try and help him. It makes me feel a little sad thinking about that. I suppose it's sadness for myself all those years ago not getting much support from home at all. Mostly instead totally useless comments like "Your brother didn't have trouble, so why do you?"

Anyway, as usual teaching gave me some energy :)

Sorry to hear the library is closed; that's disappointing. Hopefully your student does well with the presentation. That can be a really tough thing to get through. Sounds like you're in a good position to help, as you know what it is like first hand to be so nervous. Your FOO doesn't get it; that's just an insulting comment.

Glad to hear you got some energy from teaching. All the best with the laundry! :)

I came on the forum to write something for myself. I ended up writing one of my needlessly long posts to somebody else instead :doh:

Good things today: (1) I did do a load of laundry.

(2) Instead of going for a  :zzz: :zzz: when I said I would, I decided to stay upright and look for the next easiest thing to do. So in fact I did a number of small easy-ish tasks, some of which better to do on Friday eve than Saturday because shops etc. less crowded. I washed the dishes too.

I saw on my professional association forum that somebody is looking for help with a small project, work that I probably could do. But I noticed while thinking about it, that I started fiddling with my hair which is not a good sign. It would need to be done tonight or tomorrow and I have a number of things on my list already. Well, I can think on it. Or pm the person with: contact me if you can't find anybody else. Yes, I think I'll do that.

Funny how writing on here can help me sort things. Pm'd mbr from my professional association, didn't even write 'if nobody else can do it' which is maybe a tad self-deprecating.

Anyway I originally came on here this evening to write something totally different.

I'm still having a lot of trouble using my own shower. Tonight I can go over to a friend's and use her bath and I hope to be able to propel myself over there. It's not far at all.

Back on Oct. 7th, I wrote: "Aside from my apartment being messy and dirty, I don't feel that well in it for cptsd-related reasons. I've had this before: not feeling safe somehow. One of my neighbours - the new business - mentioned a few weeks ago that he'd heard me showering.  ???   My shower is above his place of business, but I can't help that. I also sometimes shower in the middle of the day, mostly because it takes me a while to psych myself up. So that's put me off showering." I  know what else is bothering me in connection with this neighbour but it's so hard to write. Partly I think "Excuse me, what was that remark about??" Why tell your neighbour you heard her showering?? But there's other stuff going on there too, making it hard for me to let the incident go and shower as normal. Well, I always had trouble with showering, I just hadn't been expecting it to get worse.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 15, 2019, 06:12:20 PM
Funny how writing on here can help me sort things. Pm'd mbr from my professional association, didn't even write 'if nobody else can do it' which is maybe a tad self-deprecating.

Anyway I originally came on here this evening to write something totally different.

I'm still having a lot of trouble using my own shower. Tonight I can go over to a friend's and use her bath and I hope to be able to propel myself over there. It's not far at all.

Back on Oct. 7th, I wrote: "Aside from my apartment being messy and dirty, I don't feel that well in it for cptsd-related reasons. I've had this before: not feeling safe somehow. One of my neighbours - the new business - mentioned a few weeks ago that he'd heard me showering.  ???   My shower is above his place of business, but I can't help that. I also sometimes shower in the middle of the day, mostly because it takes me a while to psych myself up. So that's put me off showering." I  know what else is bothering me in connection with this neighbour but it's so hard to write. Partly I think "Excuse me, what was that remark about??" Why tell your neighbour you heard her showering?? But there's other stuff going on there too, making it hard for me to let the incident go and shower as normal. Well, I always had trouble with showering, I just hadn't been expecting it to get worse.

I'm sorry, Blueberry.. I can really sympathise with you. It's really sucky when the task that is meant to keep us healthy and looked after has been damaged by others. I wish I could send you some boxes of strength and safety.

Thanks Perplex :hug: After postponing and finding other things to do including eating :doh: I finally had my shower and hair wash. There was no problem once I actually got going. Even the water temperature stayed nicely warm the whole time instead of hot or cold ;D

So sometimes for me it seems it's just good to go through with it! otoh sometimes I do have to wait until the time is right to go through with it. Tricky.

I can understand why that is difficult for you, especially with already having trouble showering. Good job getting it done though. I'm not really sure how, but I'd like to encourage you to keep up with the showering. Its an important thing to do. Sorry its so uncomfortable. I'm quite familiar with that not feeling safe thing, and it is nasty. I hope it doesn't last too long for you. Take care! :)

Thank you Jazzy :)

_________________

Talking of little things being too much, I didn't make it out of bed till noon and have already struck 3 things off my to-do list. There are still 3 things on it so I undoubtedly planned too much for today.

So just read what I wrote above and then my eyes moved to the left: Baby steps count! :yes: :yes:

I know it's san who wrote that she's stuck, stuck, stuck. Well, I just felt rn that things are getting a bit unstuck in my life atm. The image I have is of a stream where a bunch of sticks and small logs have got all entangled and one of them has managed to loosen and now more are moving off. What did this? I finally got my passport application in. A friend helped me online and still there were a few problems (though she's good at that, unlike me) but in the end it all worked out.

She also encouraged me about some other similar type of application I would like to do in the nearish future since she's been through it already. I've been entangling myself for months in questions of: which exact admin person should I contact first and should I try before the application? This friend suggested I phone and ask. I note how much I'm still frightened of doing so. Think back to 7-10 yo me who was nervous about phoning in case I didn't know what to say. M used to stand around in the background mimicking and ridiculing me and sometimes even telling me in an angry voice what answer I should be giving, even though she wasn't always correct.

Concrete step there would be listening to 7-10 yo me and seeing what kind of help she needs.
Then stop worrying about who to contact in what order and get all my documents together first. That will still take some work since I need at least one reference. And then just phone or drop by and ask if an appointment would be possible. and if so, when. Before application? After application? (It is not a job interview, or anything like).

It's headshakingly amazing on the one hand and sad on the other how deeply that ridicule, impatience and general nastiness from M has so badly affected my confidence in myself to follow through with this kind of thing. There's also an element of "everybody's out to get me and it's not going to work out no matter what I do or say" buried in the back there somewhere. So whoever in me who believes that hasn't taken on newer information and experiences which say that that element is not true!

I'm thinking of the work Snowdrop is doing atm and since I have done something similar in the past, I could maybe re-apply that kind of method here.

:hug:

QuoteThere's also an element of "everybody's out to get me and it's not going to work out no matter what I do or say" buried in the back there somewhere. So whoever in me who believes that hasn't taken on newer information and experiences which say that that element is not true!

Some thoughts popped into my head related to what I've been doing recently. Is the part that thinks "everybody's out to get me" protecting you in some way? If so, do you know how? Does it relate to 7-10 yo you?

Please ignore these thoughts if they're not helpful, and don't feel you need to answer. I just wrote them down in case they helped. :hug:

Thanks for your ideas Snowdrop. I'm not sure of the answer yet and I'm not going to think into it tonight but maybe in the next few days :)

Quote from: Blueberry on November 19, 2019, 04:15:50 PM
Concrete step there would be listening to 7-10 yo me and seeing what kind of help she needs.

That sounds like a wise and kind idea.

Today I had the feeling that I've not been working much on my healing recently. But then I remembered how some Ts I used to go to always used to tell me that after emotional/psychological progress and after deep healing work I needed to take steps to reground and to integrate. I then realised that things I've been doing recently e.g. today some garden work are part of integration. I've been working with my hands, I've been working on medium-term plans by improving soil for next year's garden, I've continued what I started on Sunday and Monday and made a lot of progress with it too. I got a lot further with it today than I thought I would. Garden work usually works to reground me too.

I'm doing integration and re-grounding automatically which is progress too. I used to really have to push myself.

I also finally collected my glasses, which I could have collected on Saturday but didn't have the energy. Today I finally did have the energy. I also took the time. One student cancelled and then I decided not to go to a social event I often go to one afternoon a week, I decided making progress in the garden was more important - before it is really winter.

So these were all concrete beneficial steps today.

blueberry, i'm just so glad for you that you are being able to see some of these things you're doing as progress and healing.  may i suggest that even these realizations are part of healing?  i say this because sometimes it's a realization of something that propels me forward, too.  and i can totally relate to gardening as being grounding - since i'm now renting a place, there's no gardening allowed, and i miss it terribly.  working in a garden has been some of the best feelings i've ever had. 

i agree w/ those t's who told you to take a step back after making a leap in progress.  our minds need time to re-establish bases of thinking, perception, emotions, and perspective.  lots of stuff changes for us as we heal, and we need time to get used to those changes. 

it's so lovely to see all this is you.  sending love and a hug full of progress and time. :hug:

Thanks san :hug: You're right, realisations are a part of healing too. My initial idea today was that I wasn't actively working on my healing the way a number of other mbrs around here are, but just allowing it to happen. So you know I wasn't doing any EFT or Screen Processing or feeling into the 7-10 yo me I recently wrote about. But then I had those realisations so that put things back in perspective :yes:

I'm sorry you're not allowed to work in a garden any more! All that's left for you is the garden on the Healing Porch but it's not quite the same as actually getting your fingers in the dirt.

I didn't get up till around noon today. But that's Ok. Really. I must have needed my sleep and rest.

I did some garden work with this coming Saturday being the last day before the winter where I can take garden refuse including tree branches to the town's garden refuse containers. So disentangling tree branches from other stuff, cutting or breaking them down to size and piling them so I can just pick up bundles and put them on the cargo bike in that 2 hour time-slot I'll have on Saturday. Today, accepting myself for my slow work. I know others would work faster and more efficiently with the tree branches and twigs. But I am the way I am.

I decided to definitely not run any errands tomorrow in a nearby town, but continue in the garden before and after teaching. So that means staying with the jobs at hand rather than running off distracting myself and potentially getting exhausted. There are more odd jobs around here than just garden anyway, e.g. writing bills, taking important things to the post office, cleaning and tidying.

While I was working in the garden and at other times of the day, I was planning my upcoming birthday party. There are actually a couple of months to go but I have decided I would like to celebrate it, which is huge progress in itself. Idk when exactly - a few days ago? a few weeks ago? - I was thinking about it too and it was too much. It was one of the things that precipitated me into another round of exhaustion or EF or something. Not the idea of a birthday celebration itself but more seeing what's all going on between now and then and kind of collapsing under the imagined onslaught instead of noticing and possibly reminding some Inner Children that what all going on is bit-by-bit. My plans are getting more concrete and more creative too, creative ways of dealing with exhaustion. e.g. no meals and BYOT - bring your own thermos of tea/coffee. So that all feels very positive to me.

 :applause:  yay for you, blueberry.  i think the progress you're making is immense on so many levels.  it's like several things are being put into place that had gotten scattered for a time.  i'm very glad for you.  love and a hug filled w/ energy for these tasks around you. :hug:

Bravo!  :applause: :applause: :applause:

Quote from: Blueberry on November 20, 2019, 08:09:34 PM
But then I remembered how some Ts I used to go to always used to tell me that after emotional/psychological progress and after deep healing work I needed to take steps to reground and to integrate. I then realised that things I've been doing recently e.g. today some garden work are part of integration. I've been working with my hands, I've been working on medium-term plans by improving soil for next year's garden, I've continued what I started on Sunday and Monday and made a lot of progress with it too. I got a lot further with it today than I thought I would. Garden work usually works to reground me too.

I'm doing integration and re-grounding automatically which is progress too. I used to really have to push myself.

I also finally collected my glasses, which I could have collected on Saturday but didn't have the energy. Today I finally did have the energy. I also took the time. One student cancelled and then I decided not to go to a social event I often go to one afternoon a week, I decided making progress in the garden was more important - before it is really winter.

So these were all concrete beneficial steps today.

:cheer: :applause: :waveline:

Feel pretty tired this evening. It's not surprising really. I did 2.5 hours volunteer work selling Christmas baking etc for charity and after that I did my final trips to the garden refuse place for this year. Busy from 11 am till 6 pm. Between 10 and 11 I was running errands.

From tomorrow till Tues am I'll be out of town with no Internet access and probably way too exhausted to do anything on here even if I had access.

Went to bed early and slept/rested in bed for 11 hours.

Now I've had the energy to do some very overdue cleaning in the stairwell and other communal areas. It probably was my turn anyway. Today I'm going to the farm early to get a start on Monday's work and am delivering something en route, so it'll be a busy day again, and Monday even more so.

I'm glad you were able to get some good rest. I'm not surprised you were tired after being so busy, but I applaud you for having the energy to be busy in the first place, recognising that you needed to sleep, and getting your energy back as a result. :applause:

Quote from: Blueberry on November 24, 2019, 08:49:38 AM
Went to bed early and slept/rested in bed for 11 hours.

Now I've had the energy to do some very overdue cleaning in the stairwell and other communal areas. It probably was my turn anyway. Today I'm going to the farm early to get a start on Monday's work and am delivering something en route, so it'll be a busy day again, and Monday even more so.

Sounds so busy! :) I'm rooting for you. I'm glad you're also getting your rest after your work.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 19, 2019, 08:21:26 AM
I don't always do my T homework. My T is easy on that, knowing that neither internal and external pressure are good for me. He probably assumes I have to get there in my own time (as I'm doing now ;) ) even though that might take aaaaaages.

So what homework could I be doing:

1) Sitting with feelings instead of acting on them
2) Exploring my feelings when I have an urge to eat
3) Exploring my feelings just before I go food-shopping
4) Keep attempting 2. and 3. even though they're difficult and I can't feel much at all.

From my first entry in this Journal.

I think getting ill from Sun to Mon was eating-disorder-related, at least in part. The tonsillitis pain (it didn't last) would have been my body fighting whatever.

I'm thinking this is a signal: it's time I finally go for that blood test at my doc's and then discuss the most useful, attainable steps to improving my nutritional intake, discarding rubbish food intake and increasing exercise. Because I notice my physical stamina is decreasing. I'm going on 50, feel as if I'm going on 75.

I have pretty huge internal blockages about dealing with my eating disorder. As with many things to do with my healing, I'm unlikely to be able to change overnight, putting it mildly. Even a sudden willingness to discuss with my doc as well as write it here is a step forward though.

My T said a good few months ago that he thought I should leave the eating disorder stuff for a while. I think he was right at the time, but maybe enough healing has taken place for me to look at it again?

Making the blood test easier would include allowing myself to go for an evening blood test. They won't catch all results in that but still a number that my doc needs. He suggested that himself. It's better than not going at all.

Recently I was thinking abstractly about a new T and imagining the question: "What are your goals?", I clammed up and my mind went blank. I realised that's a hard one for me to disclose. It's hard to trust people with that information.

otoh I do realise I'm making tons of other progress atm. I haven't even written it here but I'm working on improving my advertising and also my office front. That's a huge step!! Even contemplating having real profressional advertising including logo in my office window is huge. There was a time when the mere suggestion or teeniest idea in my own head would set off ICr with "you might as well do away with yourself". Maybe it wasn't ICr even Idk. The whole idea of being so visible made me feel so vulnerable it was just too much and my age-old method of dealing was to disappear in some way. Anyway, the point is I'm way beyond any of that now. :thumbup: :applause:

_____________________

Also something else I'm thinking about, hoping an answer will come to me.
I have a T appointment on Thursday, early, entailing leaving the house before 8 am. I emailed my T today saying I might have to forego, he thought that was a good idea but gave me an appointment for December. But now I'm wondering: if eating disorder was the problem, then I'm not really ill. Maybe I should go on Thursday? It's not as if I get tons of appointments. Aside from discussing eating disorder, there was actually something else on the agenda, and if nothing else at least I wanted to ask him for a letter of explanation for some department or other on why cptsd is preventing me from working enough to earn my living. Also I could try and explore the reasons behind my absolute exhaustion at the idea of exercise. B1 turns up in my head. Yeah well. It would be worth looking at though.

On the weekend I had planned to take my godson on an outing that I'm sure he's been looking forward to and while I was still healthy, I was too. I got free tickets from a unemployed group I used to go to and the transportation is organised by them. Not an opportunity that shows itself every day.

I doubt very much I'd manage therapy and this outing. T is not in my hometown. It's an hour away by train and then back. I feel kind of selfish for thinking about therapy instead of the outing.

otoh it's not as if my godson is deprived or anything. His family take him on plenty of outings and would even consider paying me the entrance fee to take him next year. It's a fearfully expensive place. Well, having written about it might help me sort out the issue and come to a decision. It could also be that everything I was doing last week was just too much. Eating too much of the wrong things is a kind of crutch anyway, maybe I was using that to get over doing too many difficult activities? Could be.

Decided against T appointment. So that's one thing sorted.

Also started some negotiation with parents of godson so it wouldn't be a full weekend. Not Fri to Sun am. Though I'm still not sure it will take place. Starting this negotiation went far better than it used to. No anxiety beforehand and needing to garner courage for a few hours or days first. No, just sent off my email yesterday and already have a response and suggestion that would certainly help me.

Decided against the outing too. I'll do it sometime with my godson without the other group.

I finally started drinking again today, water that is.

Going back to "Baby Steps Count": For some reason or other, while I was illest, my mind went into therapy acceleration mode and high goal setting, especially about my eating disorder. Then from last night onwards I realised that those just don't work for me!

I discovered in my language there's an approach to trauma therapy which might be called 'gentle trauma therapy' in English. That's not a specific method, it's just being as unintrusive as possible while creating as much distance as possible between client and emotions, memories and anything that might overwhelm. Bingo! That's what my T has being doing with me. That's what the Screen Processing does for me. Screen Processing: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7643.msg51389#msg51389 And it's working!! The gentle approach isn't just about resilience, it is about processing too. What makes my T's work with me so successful is that he realises the approach I need and will continue to need. I don't have to explain and fight and argue and re-explain and put up with etc. It's the same with my gp too. That's not something you can explain to a doc or a T. They just have to have it.

It's doing me good to have a break from committments including moderating. Some memories have been coming up, but mostly realisations. I've had to set a few limits and have done so. I think somebody I got to know recently is behaving like a leech. It's good to notice this early on. It can take me years, or has done so in the past.

Blueberry,
I think you are doing fantastic with noticing things and then changing your direction as needed.
Thanks for the link to your post on screen processing. It has given me a little idea for something for my session on Monday----maybe.  :Idunno:
:hug: :grouphug:

blueberry, you continue to shift, adjust, and move where and how you need to that's in your own best interest, and i applaud you for that. :applause: it's apparent to me that the more you continue to learn about yourself, the stronger you are getting, including the strength to get the rest you need when the rest of the world shouts 'lazy'!!!  there is power in that strength, to my mind, and it's wonderful to see you grow.

all i can say is keep doing what's working.  so very glad for you that both your t and your gp are on the same page as you.  sending love and hugs full of more of the same. :hug:

Thanks notalone and san! :) :hug:

And it continues. Over the past week I've been coming up with one resolution which I've just implemented, followed by another over the past idk 12 hours, in the process of being implemented.

I don't 'do' New Year's resolutions, I do them as the idea and the willingness come.

Glad my Screen Processing description has given you some ideas for your next T appt, notalone.  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on November 30, 2019, 08:51:03 AM
Over the past week I've been coming up with one resolution which I've just implemented, followed by another over the past idk 12 hours, in the process of being implemented.

The latter is now implemented. I've decided to take an official break from moderating, for 3 weeks to start with. Seen like that it doesn't look very long but my decisions are works in progress. From a particular type of therapy I was in for a long long time, fasting was the order of the day. Not from food of course but from substances, activities and behaviours to see what doing without would do to and for you.

So I'll just observe what this does for me. See what other things I do instead or what thoughts, memories, emotions come and then how I deal with them. Also see if I reduce my time in the Internet / on computer. Not actually forcing myself to at this point, just observing. Also see if I can give more to myself than others, put myself and needs first.

While I was ill, I did a few self-diagnosis tests, just for fun. One was on burn-out and the result was very, very high with the recommendation that I get into therapy asap :bigwink:   I presume that this fairly frequent feeling of being almost on the point of collapse is part of my cptsd mélange. Something has to give atm and I've chosen moderating for the time being.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 26, 2019, 10:45:39 PM
it's time I finally go for that blood test at my doc's.

Making the blood test easier would include allowing myself to go for an evening blood test. They won't catch all results in that but still a number that my doc needs. He suggested that himself. It's better than not going at all.

Yesterday or the day before I made an appointment for an evening blood test. Had to discuss a bit with my doc's receptionists but it worked in the end. I also made a follow-up appointment while I was about it. They're not till January, but they are arranged. Concrete beneficial step :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:

You inspire me with your self-evaluation and choices for self-care.  :cheer:

Thanks notalone :hug:

__________

There's lots going on in me atm. All sorts of inspiration and ideas bubbling about. Also sorting and deciding against things, projects, people.... I thought lighting a candle for the first day of Advent would be a good idea for my Advent calendar but didn't get round to putting that on Dec. 1st anyway. But I realised today that simply allowing myself to lie in for as long as I wanted - looooong - was the best thing.

good for you, blueberry.  lying in feels very special to me, too.  sounds like you're making loads of progress.  well done! :thumbup:  love and hugs.

I recognise the pattern: I suggest to somebody where she could get help. She doesn't, it 'didn't work out'. I'm the only one who can help her. Oh not with one thing, maybe she'll need two in fact.

It's going to be one maximum. And then she has got to find support elsewhere.

I'm going slowly atm and it feels different to any previous times. I think there's more self-acceptance in me. I walk slowly, most people overtake me. So what? I'm going with my own flow in a way. Instead of thinking to myself that I'll do x, then y, then z, I do x and then see what impulse I have and it may not be y at all.

I'm also more aware of what extra little thing planned feels like too much and so let that go. No joke, the idea of putting a little letter in an envelope for my godson was too much so I popped it into a parcel I was sending to his mum anyway. I had wanted to send it to him separately, but at what cost to me energy-wise? Too much cost.

Sounds altogether too familiar,  I may not have even sent the parcel, actually I do have something I was meant to send my daughter 3 weeks ago - it's still sitting on the table  :doh:

Quote from: Blueberry on December 02, 2019, 12:28:09 PM
I recognise the pattern: I suggest to somebody where she could get help. She doesn't, it 'didn't work out'. I'm the only one who can help her.

I recognise another pattern, from the same person!! "All I wanted to do was help and support you." She didn't actually ask if I needed it. She's only just understood now, today, that I don't want any more bread or baked goods, although I thought that was already clear.

Anyway she has decided it's better not to ask for any help from me. Part of me feels a bit bad because you're always meant to put yourself in somebody else's shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if nobody would help you with a single, simple thing. She wants to use my washing machine because she's afraid her own might leak. That's not simple for me though, that involves allowing somebody into my apartment and walking all the way through it. I don't feel comfortable with that. I had the idea only recently that that might be an anxiety-based thing. I think Kizzie mentioned anxiety about having workmen about and I thought "Aha!! That's why I get so exhausted when people are in my apartment, even people I know, especially if they are helping me with something".

Generally I feel relief though.

Hi Wattlebird,

I'm sorry you have problems along those lines too, but glad I'm not the only one. There are other cards, letters, parcels and even emails waiting to be wrote, packed up, sent. But I was really glad to get this one off! It contains my friend's birthday present 2 months late and her Christmas present. I feel a sort of rush, as if the clogged sticks, branches, logs, debris in a river have given way a bit and the water is flowing again.  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on December 04, 2019, 12:32:10 PM
That's not simple for me though. . .

Everyone has different comfort levels for different things. With my friends without cPTSD, some are completely at ease having people at their houses and for others it is a big stress. For those of us with cPTSD the things that trigger and and cause anxiety can be a long list.  :fallingbricks: I think it is good that you recognized the anxiety that you would feel with her using your washer and that you were able to say no.

Thank you for understanding notalone :hug:

__________
I'm on the forum less often and for shorter spells now that I'm not moderating, but I still notice a kind of tug to come on here. Just now I was going to type a response to Wattlebird's thread, then I realised that I don't have the energy for that. You'd think if I have the energy to type what I'm typing now, then I could write to somebody else but it doesn't work that way.

I remember now way back when I was in inpatient therapy and everybody had to take on simple tasks every week and/or sponsor a new person, I almost collapsed with the effort. I haven't thought about that for a long time but now the memory is there. My T has said before that when I'm not rushing around doing things, then I allow memories and realisations to come to the surface.

Quote from: Blueberry on December 04, 2019, 04:34:16 PM
My T has said before that when I'm not rushing around doing things, then I allow memories and realisations to come to the surface.

Hi Blueberry,
This is a big realisation that I relate to - I hope that you are finding your pace to be one that feels ok, and that you are able to cope with the various memories and realisations that are coming to the surface.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :hug: Yes, it all seems to be happening at a comfortable pace rn :)
_____________
Today while I was cleaning, I noticed more and more water on the bathroom floor. Surely that couldn't be from the bucket of water I'd just emptied into the toilet? I then saw that the washing machine drainage hosepipe had jumped out of the pipe it drains into. The really good thing is that I didn't panic in any way, I didn't even feel anxiety! I just got going mopping up the water. There were times when just the thought of the remote possibility of something like that happening inevitably led to a feeling of anxiety in my gut.

This kind of incident shows me I'm moving forward :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

In hindsight, it's good I didn't allow that acquaintance to use my washing machine because I'd far rather this kind of thing happened to me than to somebody else using my machine :yes:

Well done. That sounds like progress :yes:. :applause:

Thanks Snowdrop :)
______________________

It's doing me good to be taking a break from moderating. It's been almost a week now. I think today has been the first day where I've really noticed the difference, e.g. I came straight to Updated Topics and then into my Journal rather than checking Recent Unread Topics. Today also the first day in over a week that I got up before 11 am. At 10 am instead, and without a struggle, so I think that means that I'm beginning to recover from the deep-seated exhaustion, rather than just recovering on the surface and on the verge of collapse again in a couple of weeks.

I also got a lot done today, despite the minor flood in the bathroom. When I switched on my computer a few minutes ago, I suddenly realised that I'm tired, so I'm not going to do the few things I'd been intending to do in my office. Tomorrow's another day, I'll do them then, or even next week. This evening I have the feeling that sometimes when I get stuck on the computer checking news and reading comments (not necessarily on OOTS), it's because I'm tired but I'm covering up the tiredness instead of listening to it. Really useful to notice this.

Great job of listening to yourself and to what you need.  :applause:

Thanks notalone :)
______________________________

I'm quoting something from Snowdrop on here for myself (Thanks Snowdrop :) )

"If I feel anything other than calm, curious, compassionate or any of those other qualities that begin with C, it's a sign that I'm probably blended with a part. If I feel scared, for example, I know that I'm not completely my Self. I can ask the scared part to step to one side, ask it what its role is, how it's protecting me, how old it thinks I am etc."

It really strikes me today because I was feeling other things than calm and curious. In fact I had and still have a feeling of nervousness in my gut, I haven't been able to sit still much but also haven't got much done at all. I could have run a fairly simple errand on foot or by bike which might even have calmed the nervous energy down, but I didn't. My SH is also way up and I've had food cravings and been reading uselessly for a few hours on the Internet.

I did try an exercise I've done with my T before but Idk maybe it only works for anger not for fear or maybe I need to practise it in his presence again. Anyway Snowdrop's words tell me my present-day Adult is blended with some younger part and I could ask this part who she is, what her role is and that kind of thing. This is similar to therapy methods that have been done with me in the past and eventually I got overwhelmed. More and more parts came and I lost my Adult self, so maybe it's important to ask the part to step aside (as Snowdrop mentions)? Or maybe (lightbulb!), I ought to have tried Screen Processing earlier today? Maybe that's better for today's state than the newer method, which my T introduced to me after I said Pete Walker's grieving and venting didn't seem to be working for me.

I'm glad it helped, Blueberry. I hope you're feeling better today. :hug:

I'm in one of these down cycles, not even sure why. Maybe ICr because it's the second time in a few months that I've told somebody other than my T, my doc, or OOTS about my progress and then gone spiralling down afterwards. As if my ICr doesn't allow me to mention progress.

I also got an email from an adult student today to whom I teach the local language rather than English. Her email was full of praise and gratitude today because she had an interview today about extending her visa and the interviewers were impressed at her knowledge of the local language after just one year! Usually it takes people 2-3 years to get to her level, she was told. My ICr isn't allowing that praise into me. I just see M, F and B1 in my mind doing mud-slinging and I hear some voice in me saying "That can't be true. No way."

Well, writing that now has enabled me to send her an email response.

blueberry, the extent that we struggle w/ anything positive in our lives, whether it be sharing some aspect that's been hidden or getting praise for the good work we do (i have a hard time taking that into me as well, so i can relate) is an acknowledgement, to my mind, of the incredibly powerful and insidious work that was done on and to us from beyond memory.

i'm glad that writing here allowed you to respond via email to your student.  it really is a tribute to you as to what great work you are able to do in helping others get to where they want to go.  as to ICr and FOO, i say POO!  sending love and a hug full of positive.  maybe if you keep getting immersed in that, it'll finally be able to sink in.  wouldn't that feel lovely!  :grouphug:

Thanks san  :hug: :grouphug:

An immersion in positive - that would be something. But I think something in me has to change so that I start letting the positive in more. I do let some in I think, or in some contexts at least.

_______________________

I received an email from M today that makes me go  :blink: :blink: :blink: even though it's about something in the present.

I've been disappearing off to bed regularly over the past few days instead of doing anything useful, beneficial, constructive.

i agree w/ you, blueberry, that something has to change w/in us to let those positives in.  i also believe that as we keep getting them, that change can also come organically, at least to some extent.  my personal experience, living w/ my d in a place that is so beautiful, lots of nature around, allows me to experience daily some of that immersion for my spirit.  while i still continue to work on my stuff, i think that living how and where i live allows the work to go more smoothly, permitting change more quickly/easily than if i had a bunch of outside stressors to battle at the same time.  just a thought.

i also think that because of who you are, who i've come to know here, your bed is your safe place, a place to retreat to when you need rest from whatever else is going on in your life.  from what i recall of you over the years, you are heading to your bed much less often, and i see that as a change in you.  you've struggled so mightily with just being able to get thru a day, doing regular day things for so long, and now you're dealing so much more readily w/ day-to-day obstacles that come your way.  the garden stuff, the landlord, your business, clients, the farm - these are all being managed by you differently than even a year ago.

going to bed must mean some kind of overwhelm you've felt, or some kind of respite you've needed.  we all cope in ways that might be judged negatively by others, but for us they make sense on some level or we wouldn't do it.  so, useful, beneficial, and constructive might be relative concepts.  going to bed might be all those things for you on some level.  you continue to do what needs to be done when you're able.  i hope you give yourself credit for that.  i do.

sending love and a hug filled w/ ok-ness. :hug:

Thanks san for the large vote of confidence! :hug: And then explaining to me what is probably going on.

gee, blueberry, i hope i didn't come off as a know-it-all.  i'm just putting my thoughts down as they come, and maybe i'm overstepping at times when i do that.  i don't mean to.  if i sound obnoxious, please let me know, ok?    i really do think you've come a long way and that you're doing things differently than before.  much more efficiently, for the most part.  i see lots of progress in you.  love and hugs :hug:

Dear san,

Not at all! I really appreciated your comments! I'm feeling a bit more buoyant already. Really sorry that that wasn't clear in my response. :hug: :hug:

 :hug: back atcha. 

that's part of my own nervousness, sometimes, when i'm writing a response to people.  it's not on you.  love and hugs, my dear.

There were a number of things on my To Do list yesterday which I didn't/couldn't do. Involving numbers mostly.

But I finally wrote my birthday invitation and emailed to emailable people so that's certainly beneficial and concrete. I now feel a bit less stuck :)

In an hour or two I'm heading up to the farm for the first time since I got sick there. It'll probably help me reground better and will ultimately help me with those number tasks.

I hope it goes well at the farm, Blueberry. :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that your visit back to the farm when ok - thinking of you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope and Snowdrop. My day at the farm was at least beneficial in getting me back into a bit of action. Cycling there and back was good too, even though it was raining on the way. I actually like cycling when I can be bothered to get out of the house and go and do it, and so long as I'm not in a massive hurry which reminds me how slow I am compared to a decade or more ago.

There is no central heating there in the living and sleeping quarters. It was damp-cold outside and in. For the night I grabbed an additional duvet for my bed but before the midday meal I was reminded how feeling cold tends to make me depressed and pull into myself, more apathetic. It reminded me of parts of my childhood where we had no central heating, or if we did, it was often on low. This probably sounds pretty whiny and like rich nations' problems. In a sense it is. My wish in such times is to curl up with a duvet or two till they're warmed through and then sleep as in hibernate for a day or two.

Where I was working, the room was warm due to the work involved and/or I warmed myself up working, which is typical of there.

Today I didn't get out of bed till way late. I remind myself that that's just the way it is in times like this. This morning I was lying in bed thinking that for all the useful things I'm doing for myself (feels like zero), I might as well have kept moderating because then at least I would have got out of bed. Until I remembered that's the sort of thing I said to myself in the months after I gave my Little Furries back, and that my T disagreed. He was right too. The time and emotional space left in Little Furries' absence gradually led me to more healing. As my T pointed out, they helped me feel instead of filling time caring for others. Not that caring for others is a bad thing necessarily, but allowing myself time to feel more into what's going on is definitely a necessary step forward for me.

The big thing I'm doing atm anyway is writing and distributing invitations for my upcoming birthday. No flashbacks, but there certainly are memories of childhood birthdays. Some good e.g. of games my parents arranged for me and my guests to play, but some not so specially good, like B1 sitting down at the party table and my guests all turning to him and me feeling left out at my own party. Actually that was one of few incidents when M protected me from him by simply signalling him to go, which he did. I think it was more that my friendships felt fairly tenuous anyway and it was hard to feel suddenly the greater pull B1 had on my friends than I had. Also I have memories of other parties where either there was no conversation (young adulthood) or so much I felt left out at my own party because nobody listened to what I wanted to say in all the clamour (childhood).

But now I'm arranging my party the way I want it with games and am going the unusual route of a) suggesting that those who don't like games meet up another time with me and b) there will be no meals and not even cake. It may sound a little blunt, but it's clear and I decided on it this way so that I don't feel bound to celebrate the way most people think is 'normal' but instead can celebrate in a way that I think will be fun and that will not totally exhaust me just organising and coordinating. This is empowering. It means I can leave the "I have to", "I should" behind and find better solutions for myself.

Both more anger and some sadness are coming as I face the reality of what M's 'inability' to remember means.

At least the anger motivated me to wash the dishes and listen to some music while I was about it. Probably time for another Non-Sender letter.

I just started writing a response to Libby, thinking to myself "Come on, you can manage this!" but then I realised I couldn't. I'm not even a Mod atm and there I was still trying to push myself to put somebody else ahead of me. Despite the fact that I'm sickening for something and feel very tired.

hey, blueberry,

birthday, huh?  well, happy birthday to you, whenever it is.  i find it empowering that you are organizing your party the way you want it, and that you're also giving people options.  i like it a lot.  i think it's very creative, too.  well done :thumbup:  it sounds like something i'd really enjoy, so, if i were invited, i'd happily celebrate w/ you! :phoot:  i'm big on birthdays.

i'm glad for you that you were able to put yourself first, too, especially if you're feeling a bit sick.  sounds like you're making progress.  proud of you, sweetie.  i'm smiling about it right now.  you've come so far.

keep going - looks like a positive direction to me.  sending love and a hug filled w/ attention for yourself. :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you feel better soon, and I'd also like to wish you a Very Happy Birthday for when the occasion is - I hope you'll be much better by then, and can enjoy it.  I know you've got some plans, and I really hope they go well.
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 21, 2019, 12:01:42 PM
i find it empowering that you are organizing your party the way you want it, and that you're also giving people options.  i like it a lot.  i think it's very creative, too.  well done :thumbup: 

Thank you for the validation! It's just helped me feel OK about responding to a guest who wants to bring cake, whereas I wrote in the invitation that there won't be any. Probably she thought bringing cake would be a nice thing to do or helpful or something. Well, I've just explained why I'm saying 'Thanks, but no thanks'. That's not totally easy for me.

For you and Hope and anybody else who might be wondering: my birthday isn't for a few weeks yet, but I wanted to get my invitations about before Xmas. Among other things lots of my friends are often really busy so it's good to let them know a few weeks ahead of time.

Hi Blueberry,
I admire your organisation, getting your invites done to your friends in good time.  I remember you mentioned liking playing some games as activities - it sounds like really great fun.   :hug:
Hope  :)

I'm going up and down like a yo-yo atm, except the highs aren't so high. The changes are very fast though. e.g. this morning phoning the farm to suggest  I could come Mon. or Wed. to do one of my jobs. The farmer said I'm very welcome to come and enjoy the sunny weather even without doing one of my jobs, but do take care of me first. He could hear my voice sounded a little on the sickly side. Bam! Mouth and ear pain returned and have been there all day.

It's NOT the pain of rejection because neither this farmer nor the farm in general rejects me. They take me as I come, I'm very welcome, even if just visiting and not doing any jobs, as he said today. I wondered - am I in denial about my state of health? Kind of like my parents are, but differently too of course. Me in denial about the extent of my exhaustion and the extent to which the latest FOO move has shaken me up.

Or is the pain telling me I should look to comfort and company closer to home than the farm? Or just that the farmer is right - I should take care of me first!! That is easier at home. I still haven't instigated all the home remedies my gp prescribed. e.g. instead of wrapping a poultice around my neck, I've wrapped a completely different one around my feet a few times. Although I actually do sleep well once the poultice is on and my feet do feel better, that particular medical poultice has nothing to do with anything going on in my mouth, ears, throat, immune system. otoh the medicine is something my gp recommended a few years ago for a long-standing problem with my feet and the long-standing problem is getting worse. So, good that I'm doing it but I should be doing the other poultice instead or as well.

Except that should isn't good for me and rarely to never works.

Hi Blueberry,
Whatever you decide to do, I agree with you that the pain of your jaw and ear were telling you something, and it sounds like you're not better yet - and I hope that you can do whatever you need to do to recuperate.  Sending you some balm to add to your poultice, if you need it.  Plus a gentle hug.  :hug:

I used to have recurrent tonsillitis when I was younger - and it could take a lot to shift it.  Be kind to yourself, if you can, and I hope that wasn't a triggering thing that I just said. 
Hope  :)

Thank you for your response, Hope :hug: It wasn't triggering at all! I've never come across somebody else with recurrent tonsillitis. I didn't have it when I was young. It started up in adulthood. I had it frequently and badly in the year before I finally succumbed to everything :fallingbricks: and collapsed, about 20 years ago. I haven't had it this bad for Idk 10 or 15 years.

I decided to follow the young farmer's advice and look after myself this evening. I could have gone to a slide show and talk on something that would have interested me and that I had been looking forward to, but then I decided to stay home instead and listen to a Christmas CD I got from the library and then do some colouring in.

Listening to and singing along with the CD helped increase my feeling of joy and peace. Colouring in brought a few creative impulses e.g. for my upcoming birthday party, but it also helped me focus on myself and feel what are my priorities for the next while. I might even skip most farm work for most of January since there are activities at home which can give me some of what the farm work does. e.g. some work there is rather meditative, at least the way i do it, but as I noticed this evening, colouring in helps me the same way and it's much less strenuous!

I have a lot going on in January too! I noticed with teaching, I'm at my limit. Need to sort out some correspondence and financial stuff from 2019 teaching though. I can't really do my other profession at all atm. Need to get remaining tax documents in or 'order' copies of documents from e.g. the bank. Early January I do want to make it to visit my godson and his family overnight, instead of getting ill again. I was working on my business advertising and want to get back to it. There's my birthday of course too. Then some emails to FOO on practical matters, as well as processing the recent bucket-load they threw at me. Apply for citizenship of my country of residence - not an easy task because I'm not actually eligible due to effects of cptsd, but an exception could be made. So I've finally decided to try for that. Quite enough for January really.

Oh yeah, I'm also trying to clear up a bit in my apartment. Not just throwing out, but putting pictures, newspaper cuttings etc that I have kept into a kind of scrap-book. Then there's just the usual other than teaching: choir practice - which does me good! Fortunately doesn't start up again till mid-january. Cleaning. Sorting out the washing machine. I didn't have a panic attack when it started flooding on the floor, but I haven't managed to put it back into place and set it up again yet either.

Sounds like quite a lot to do in January! I'm glad you took care of yourself and found peace and joy in singing and coloring.

Just copying something here which san wrote somewhere else:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 29, 2019, 05:19:31 AM
i've always heard that houses in dreams represent ourselves. 

In Inner Child group T I used to do, there was often an imaginary journey to a house where each person would go, and then go into a room and see an IC, maybe talk to the IC or play or some kind of interaction.

Well, my ICs were always in the grounds round about, often down by the stream. I think I entered the house only once and I was catapulted back out again immediately. I wasn't hurt, but it was clear: the house was a no-no for me.

I once asked the therapist why I couldn't enter the house. I was curious more than anything because I'd always got something out of these imaginary journeys - some interaction with my ICs even if it was us just looking at each other, being out in nature and stocking up on that as a form of resilience, realising my ICs were quite good at looking after themselves in those days. I don't even remember exactly what the T said, but san's comment above reminded me. I think the T had a moment of realisation about the extent of my trauma and the lack of security in my childhood - just the way he looked and the way he breathed and said "Oh!" intimated that.

If I read san's quote to myself, it's as if it wasn't always safe through those years of therapy for my Self to be in me. Or maybe - well, I think of my GP sometimes saying I'd got a little too close to the nuclear reactor, not literally of course. Maybe the house in this case reminded me too much of FOO?, which sure wasn't safe though I didn't realise that back then to the extent I do now. No, actually, there's no inner resonance going on. So I think the house must have represented me or my feelings/emotions/memories. My feelings/emotions/memories are part of me anyway. FOO is not, fortunately.

Thanks notalone! Undoubtedly I will not do all of that in January but prioritise as I go depending on what's really crucial and on what's doable.

I've written that email to M and F. I didn't expect a response by today but I wasn't nervous about opening my email program today anyway. My email was quite long but I stuck pretty much to facts, there was just a bit at the beginning where I expressed surprise at the 'forgetfulness'. I didn't blank out at all while writing it. :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Huge progress.

That's excellent, Blueberry. :applause:

Not blanking out and not being afraid when opening your email:  Wow!  :cheer:

Thanks Snowdrop and notalone!  :hug: :)

I got a response today. Here we go again: suggestions of things that don't work, things that I have said will not work. Sigh. And I'm supposedly the 'dumb one' in the family. But again I have kind of a laugh on my face while I think of that and write it. That's progress! It means I've managed to create a lot of emotional distance between me and my parents and that I have much healthier Adult parts dealing with their assertions and ideas than I have ever had before in my life.

 :cheer:

Your progress has made me wonder about your recent tonsillitis. I know that probably sounds a bit random! ;D

From an energy perspective, throat problems can be linked to not being able to speak out, or speak your truth. Also not being able to set boundaries, including emotional ones.

As we heal, past physical symptoms that have been suppressed can sometimes reappear as part of the healing process. They might be reexperienced in order for deeper healing to occur. For there to be a shift.

You've made huge progress in communicating your needs to M and F, which suggests healing. I wonder if it's possible that you're reexperiencing throat symptoms as part of this healing.

Please ignore anything I've said if it doesn't resonate with you. They are just thoughts that occurred to me, and I thought I'd share them in case they're helpful.

:hug:

That doesn't sound at all random to me Snowdrop! 20 years ago or so I used to get pain inside my mouth and up into my ears for holding something in that FOO wouldn't have allowed me to speak out and also pain after I spoke my truth. In the couple of years before that, I had on and off tonsillitis. So you're probably right that I have been re-experiencing these symptoms as part of the healing.

I didn't know that throat problems could be about not being able to set boundaries, so that's interesting for me to know. It makes sense though because if you can't speak out, it makes it a lot harder to set boundaries!

several decades ago a woman named Louise Hay wrote about how physical dis-ease is connected to emotional issues.  just like snowdrop mentioned, throat/mouth problems are often linked to not being able to speak up for ourselves, which would include boundary issues, right?  just wanted to note that i've heard of the same kind of thing, that physical/emotional connection. 

congrats to you, blueberry, for all the progress you're making.  i remember many times asking someone else to open an email from someone i was afraid would hurt me.  you're doing great!  love and hugs :hug:

It's interesting. The throat directly relates to not being able to set boundaries with your voice. As you say, if you can't speak out, it's harder to set boundaries. There's also a connection between the sacral chakra and the throat, so throat problems may have a root cause in this area e.g. emotional boundaries.

Hi Blueberry,
Sending you a hug  :hug: - you've mentioned things that resonate with me, and I wanted to pop by and just say something to you, but now I'm here, I can't find the words - I do think that throat issues and communicating is very relevant, and - sorry, my words are just difficult to come at the moment. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope :)  :hug:
I often feel rather wordless too so I understand. I just appreciate you popping by and saying you were there!

The house saga continues... There's either a fridge or freezer been set up in the basement by the one who spreads and spreads in the garden, and in the basement if I let her. So I asked her whose electricity is paying for it. She said the tailor allowed her to install it. I spoke to him about it - they assume it's his electricity but he (supposedly) told her to ask me too. She's paying him money every month to off-set his electricity bill, but I happen to know that there's one electricity counter more in the building than there are apartments/businesses. This is the counter for shared space e.g. the stairwell but I always assumed the basement too. As did everybody else who lived in the building previously, the way they made sure the light was out etc.. There's no proof and the current ll will be clueless. He didn't even look at the complete interior before he bought the building.

I don't want to pay for the running of her fridge?/freezer? via my office and apartment. The costs of the 7th counter are paid by ll and then divided among the tenants, so I'd be paying x 2. Electricity is expensive here!

But at least no sore throat :)

Blueberry, I am sorry that there are more house issues. Frustrating and taxing.

Thanks notalone :)  On the upside I'm no longer really being triggered by this kind of stuff. It's more: Sigh. Some other thing to deal with. Or let go of.... But being of low income myself, I'm not too keen on just letting go.
________________________

On the plus side, I've finally moved out of sleep-mode and have started doing stuff e.g. cleaning :thumbup: :thumbup:

I was on here a long time last night, re-reading old posts of my own, like from 2017-2018. I noticed how far I've come since then, how much stronger I am, how much less likely to be thrown for a huge loop.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Some new progress going on too. Somehow I couldn't write it last night. It's very new and I feel some shame about the situation I'm progressing out of. But here goes:  :spooked: :spooked:
OK, it's difficult. Maybe my view of money and accepting FOO money seems a little entitled. I suppose as FOO's treatment of me and attitude towards me has become clearer to me, so has my attitude towards them become clearer. I know I am different from them - I'm protecting myself from their harmful ways, their clueless comments, their inability or unwillingness to change. But since they don't see anything wrong with their behaviour - apparently - they're obviously not going to see anything the way I do.

Well, anyway, I have got to the point where I realise I will manage somehow even if there is no more money forthcoming from FOO while one or both of my parents are alive and even if I'm disinherited after that. I've been saying for a few years, "FOO won't do this, FOO won't do that" but then they do, so nothing is certain. If they do cut me out of their will, then I certainly won't feel any shame at having got a fair amount of support so far. My sibs don't seem to have any shame on that point though they have professional incomes and so do their spouses, but comparing myself to them isn't necessarily the best because my sibs have both been permitted to individuate and set limits in FOO. Whereas me  - I can only do that in ways that are not approved of and so I get 'punished'. Anyway, I no longer aspire to be like my sibs.

I'm glad I didn't start coming to these conclusions till now because I think they would have swept me of my feet and thrown me for a huge loop if I'd come to them much earlier.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 04, 2020, 05:26:57 AM
I was on here a long time last night, re-reading old posts of my own, like from 2017-2018. I noticed how far I've come since then, how much stronger I am, how much less likely to be thrown for a huge loop.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

That is fantastic. It also encourages me in my own journey.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 04, 2020, 05:26:57 AM
I'm glad I didn't start coming to these conclusions till now because I think they would have swept me of my feet and thrown me for a huge loop if I'd come to them much earlier.

Glad the timing was right and you are able to process this without being swept away.

I really missed this place from Sunday till today. My Internet and phone both went on strike and since I don't have a mobile phone and yesterday was a public holiday I felt so disoriented somehow. I think I was slightly dissociated maybe. I do get EFs often when technical things get too much for me. Today I felt as if I was in a bit of a fog and completely overwhelmed. After the basic unplugging various devices and plugging in again and then finding out from the phone company (by dropping by on their shop) that my phone line was in order and undoubtedly my router was the 'culprit', I was so exhausted I had to sleep for a couple of hours.

Then I got on my bike and went to see which of my friends were home who could maybe help or at least whose phone I could use to make a few urgent phone calls. I managed the latter, including reaching one friend and her IT-minded son who dropped by this evening to get my Internet and phone running again. It mostly is, though voice mail is not.

I know in my case all these problems with technology and my inability (yes, inability) to use a mobile phone is cptsd-related. For the past few days I've been feeling really old, a few decades beyond what I actually am. Well, at least with having my phone and Internet working again, the fog has gone.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 03, 2020, 03:13:04 PM
There's either a fridge or freezer been set up in the basement .....but I happen to know that there's one electricity counter more in the building than there are apartments/businesses. This is the counter for shared space e.g. the stairwell but I always assumed the basement too. ... There's no proof and the current ll will be clueless. He didn't even look at the complete interior before he bought the building.

Actually there is proof - one of my phone helpers this evening showed me how to find it, and so now I know that the basement electricity is one of the shared costs, so my neighbour paying the tailor certainly isn't helping me!! Good to know, but also Sigh! I still have to contact my neighbour about this, set ultimatums about when she must react to my email, turn the fridge off etc. All things which take a lot out of me. :fallingbricks:   Sometimes she goes away for a couple of weeks and she doesn't tend to respond to messages from me unless I actually speak to her in the building. Otherwise she seems to put her blinkers on and shut everything except her own interests out. I can understand the temptation but that just doesn't always work when you share space with others. Anyway, I realised a good few weeks ago that she certainly has narc tendencies - twisting up my words, accusing me of saying something she actually said etc.

There is tons of really important stuff I'm trying to deal with in January and I so do not need this neighbour's faulty assumptions and ensuing fridge problem too  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

Quote from: Blueberry on January 07, 2020, 09:09:02 PM
Actually there is proof - one of my phone helpers this evening showed me how to find it, and so now I know that the basement electricity is one of the shared costs, so my neighbour paying the tailor certainly isn't helping me!! Good to know, but also Sigh! I still have to contact my neighbour about this, set ultimatums about when she must react to my email, turn the fridge off etc. All things which take a lot out of me. :fallingbricks:   

I wrote her an email and sent it. Possibly I JADED too much. otoh I finally wrote that I am angry about 2 topics to do with that fridge and explained why. 1) that she just installs it w/o asking the others in the building (just 4 people - how hard is that??)  2) that I'm spending time and energy on a problem caused by her but when I need help with any building/garden work, she "doesn't have time" even when she actually caused or helped cause the work.

I'll see if she reacts and if she doesn't, I'll have to involve ll. Sigh! about that too.

Wow! She actually did send me an email this evening in response. She even sort of apologised, well at least for part of the issue. She hasn't said she's going to remove the fridge though. I have responded but I'm done with nice give-and-take. She's taken way too much already so I'm not giving in on my concerns to 'keep the peace' or any of that.

I did thank her for a) replying and b) doing it quickly and c) apologising for some of it. But I have more questions about how she proposes to continue and how she proposes to make up for the time I've spent on her issues here and according to her plans will have to continue to spend. Not that I detailed this but: every single little additional whatever can be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so even just checking my bank balances for an additional ingoing payment e.g. being reimbursed by her for my part in paying her power bill. Who knows if it's even the correct amount?  For somebody who herself has no time for other people or their needs or even for what are communal jobs because she is keeping her own stress at bay (according to her mother), it's rather an annoyance that she doesn't see / want to see she's dumping extra work and therefore stress on others e.g. me.

wow, blueberry! 

the last 1/2 year or so i've been so off and on here at the forum (mostly off, i think), but i can tell you, at least from my vantage point that i've seen great progress from you just in the past year, let alone 2 and 3 years ago.  you are doing such a wonderful job of continuing forward, even when you take a bit of a side track now and again.  i just want to applaud you for all you've done, realized, and moved on regarding issues that would have stumped you 18 mos. ago!   :applause:

these ongoing problems at your building, with tenants and landlords alike you are managing to deal with so much differently now.  it's a beautiful thing to see.   :thumbup:  you are becoming more and more accomplished and determined, daily.  you are amazing!  and now the way you're dealing with the whole foo thing - well, to my mind, the timing was just right.  love and hugs, my dear, :hug:

Thank you so much san for dropping by and taking the time to write feedback :) :hug: I do feel stronger again today, stronger than yesterday so that tells me a good few things but your view from 'outside' so to speak is very valuable and confirming for me too.  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on November 30, 2019, 09:32:51 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on November 26, 2019, 10:45:39 PM
it's time I finally go for that blood test at my doc's.

Making the blood test easier would include allowing myself to go for an evening blood test. They won't catch all results in that but still a number that my doc needs. He suggested that himself. It's better than not going at all.

Yesterday or the day before I made an appointment for an evening blood test. Had to discuss a bit with my doc's receptionists but it worked in the end. I also made a follow-up appointment while I was about it. They're not till January, but they are arranged. Concrete beneficial step :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:

So today was the day. Last time I was at my doc's just before Christmas (with my tonsillitis/scarlet fever), the receptionists were complaining to each other in my presence and then to me about the evening blood draw. I even mentioned to my doc how annoyed and unimpressed they were but he wasn't put off about them. One of the receptionists said to the other about me "she's got a phobia". I corrected that: "It is trauma!" I've been going there for years and my diagnosis is known.

This time the two receptionists again were discussing my case before I even arrived, grumbling on about somebody getting a blood draw in the evening and how one "shouldn't". On the surface I wasn't upset about it, but when I was called to the room to get the blood draw, lying down as I'd reminded them I needed, the most complaining of the 2 receptionists was going to do the blood draw, and not my doc. I noticed how anxious that made me. I was thinking how she might make it more painful than necessary. Then I reminded myself that she may be grumbling about it and I think being passive-aggressive (taking her bad mood out on me 3 times instead of discussing with the doc himself), but she still wouldn't necessarily act the way M does and take it out on somebody physically. Not that the trauma stuff disappeared with that thought, but it was good to remind myself.

Then a realisation: M didn't protect me when I was 5 yo because she was 'frightened' that the blood draw nurse would take it out on me if she did. I've always wondered what incident in her past made M think that way. Today I suddenly realised: "Takes one to know one". M probably came up with that idea because that's how she acts: take whatever out on a person too small or weak (physically or emotionally) to defend themselves. It's even possible that she was rude / snooty to the nurse and the nurse was mean to me because of that, but idk - just a conjecture. M tended to rudeness to people she thought were beneath her - people like nurses, receptionists, secretaries, people who weren't of her nationality which this nurse wasn't because we had only just moved continents.

I don't actually really even remember the blood draw but I know from M that it happened. What I remember (from the same appointment) was being called for an X-ray and having to go all by myself across a room, round furniture etc. It seemed a big room to me, a long way to go and with some of the furniture as high as me. I took my teddy bear with me but was told part-way across that room that I'd have to leave him behind because having him with me would impede the X-ray. Surely I could have taken him with me as far as the door to the X-ray room? But now I wonder: What was M thinking?? Why didn't she come with me as far as the door to the X-ray room and wait there with my teddy bear for me?? I do know that a few decades ago hospitals etc. weren't so geared towards child-friendly medical procedures, but M could've made this situation better for me.

Another connected realisation in the past few days: M and F when I confronted them with stuff in the past, (if they didn't go into denial and/or blame me) they'd say "if we'd known, we would have helped you, defended you." Or "if only we'd thought about helping you at the time..." (only if the situations concerned somebody outside FOO, of course), but I don't remember situations where they did actually defend or help me. I mean, little 5yo me was very ill for weeks, and we'd just moved back to a city in a country I didn't really remember, from a village where there were no buildings anything like as big as the one our doctor and the blood draw/X-ray rooms for several doctors were in. Yet M didn't consider taking me by the hand and walking with me to the X-ray room. I'm flabbergasted thinking about that.

A further realisation: this is relational trauma response in a medical setting. The relational part was at least as devastating as the medical part, probably more so.

wow, blueberry - some major realizations there.  i can relate to having to negotiate doctor stuff as a child w/o help from my folks.  didn't think too much about it at the time, just did what i was told.  but, yeah, looking back, it can have a great impact on us when we go thru something similar as adults.  this stuff is amazing sometimes, how our relationships have affected non-relational experiences but are somehow connected nonetheless.

poo on those receptionists - how thoroughly unprofessional!   :pissed:  they're supposed to be there to calm and comfort a patient, not try to lay guilt or anger on them.  sucks!

once again, may i say how well you are handling these experiences you've been going thru.   :thumbup:  all credit to you and the work you've done to make this kind of progress.  sending love and a hug full of admiration! :hug:

Thank you san :) :)

I came back on to note two further concrete, beneficial steps I've done today, one of which had been hanging over me for a while. I finally took my 'new' glasses back to the optician's and demanded a refund. The optician asked what was wrong with them, why I couldn't see properly. I listed a few things and I allowed the annoyance to show in my voice. I wasn't rude and I didn't go overboard with anger, but I didn't hide my annoyance either. After all, I've been back to them twice about my 'new' glasses which I have had since mid-August. I got my money back and am now wearing my old glasses which aren't perfect either - there were a couple of reasons for getting new glasses after all. But at least my old glasses did function as they were meant to for a good number of years and if I spent hundreds of euros on them (I can't remember) then that was about 5 years ago. Hundreds of euros on glasses that don't work new isn't OK, obviously. But I was expecting trouble and denial etc. so hadn't had the guts/emotional strength to go back a third time and say: No way.

The other was on the way home about 50 metres from the house something in the garbage caught my eye: somebody had thrown my old flyers' holder from my office window ledge away, including the flyers. They aren't my business flyers, they're there to advertise a non-profit initiative around town that I'm involved in and support. My business flyers' holder was removed from out front two times which must have taken some work since it was nailed to the wall. Since then it's in a less conspicuous place and hasn't been removed. The non-profit flyers aren't nailed to the wall though. My ll might not allow that and anyway I do want my business stuff more visible.

Anyway without wondering or pausing, I grabbed my non-profit flyers and their holder out of the garbage and put them back on the outside window ledge with a stickie saying me, the business owner, allows them there, so please leave them.
I added on the side of the holder, in case anybody really gets into it, that there are other places out front that could be tidied up and cleaned if somebody is really keen.

It might even have been the business neighbour though we do not share window ledges! He also smokes out front, especially in front of my windows, and leaves all sorts of mess, which I haven't complained about. But somebody could certainly clear that up first or clean the steps, also smokers' mess.

Anyway,  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for acting and not wondering if I should or could or whatever.

I had a big smile on my face when I read about you grabbing the flyers and holder back. Quite right! :cheer:

Blueberry, I felt a big groan inside of me when I read about your glasses. That has been a struggle for so long and I'm very sorry it is still not resolve. I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself at the optician's, allowing yourself to express your anger without "going overboard."

Thank you notalone :) :hug: It's really helpful you say you feel proud of me. I think I felt happy yesterday and relieved and I noted I took a beneficial step but I didn't note that I could feel proud of myself for managing, and proud of one or more Little Blueberries. They weren't up front, I was totally in my Adult, but one or more was undoubtedly scared of the possible reaction of the optician and staff. Feel fear in my gut as I write that. Soooo the tiredness I feel this morning is possibly more connected to that than to choir practice yesterday evening. Now I know what to work on at least and understand why I had (and still have) a craving for certain foods. I didn't give in to that yesterday evening before choir practice, I sorted out my sheet music instead :applause:   and left the house in good time :applause: for choir practice.

You know, I feel as if it's half-resolved. I have my money back (I hope - I didn't get it in cash), I didn't have to fight and argue and prove, or deal with any compromise suggestions, like this optician making new glasses from scratch rather than refunding my money. No, I have my money back and will be able to try one of 2 opticians that were recommended to me. And I plan to go back to normal glasses, no varifocals for me, they confuse my eyes too much.

you're beautiful, blueberry!  well done! :thumbup:  this has me smiling right now - you, taking back your power.  and i agree, you have every right to be proud of yourself - i'm proud of you, too.   :cheer:

i'm curious as to what might the other half of resolution might be?  is it that you still don't have the glasses you need? 

bb, honestly, you are making so much progress.  it's a delight to behold!  sending love and a hug filled with 'keep on going!' :hug:

Thank you san so much for commenting :) :) :) Making me smile on a day I don't feel very well! Smiling is good for you, they say, so long as it's a real smile and not faked. Mine is so real rn. :cheer:

Yes, the other half of the resolution is getting the glasses I do need. My old ones which I'm wearing now are no longer good. Among other things I tripped and landed flat on my face in the summer, scratching one of my glass lenses across uneven, rough sidewalk so now there are fairly deep scratches permanently on the right-hand lense. Also my eye sight had deteriorated a bit by last summer from whenever I last got new glasses. Still, my brain and right eye are getting on better with my old glasses than either of my eyes and brain got on with the defective new ones.

Yes, you're right, I am making tons of progress atm even though there are downer days like today! I do need a bit of a vent though, so will do.

I need a vent!:

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: I wish I could un-invite a couple of people coming to my party tomorrow afternoon. I feel so stressed about some people's behaviour before they even come! One friend (about whom my T once said "you have friends who treat you like this??" NTS!!!) seems to be trying to organise my party for me in advance. She can be quite bossy, it's one of her bad sides. She's either trying to be helpful or well, trying to organise me. She asked me a few days ago if I had enough plates. Instead of saying plain and simple. "Yes, thank you I do", I said that there won't be any plates. So she said quite huffily and gruffly, "Well, you'd better have paper napkins then." Thank you. Your help is not required, I have my own head and ideas, and plans. It's my birthday, my party, my decisions. I didn't say all that, but if she starts trying to organise things on Sat. afternoon, or just stating loudly what she wants, I may well state a boundary. The very first thing she asked me after she accepted the invitation, was whether I had a particular game and if not she could lend it to me. So, a pretty huge hint she wants to play that game. It's not possible though with my space limitations combined with the number of people on Sat. afternoon. If she argues that one or gets huffy, I will state a boundary. Then after my birthday, I'll demote her to the status of acquaintance and won't invite her next year or any other time I celebrate. Too much stress. She probably reminds me somewhat of M and B1. Yup, the inner head is nodding.

Then another friend and her husband have decided to come after all, though I was pretty sure they wouldn't because they have so much going on this coming weekend, something I'd known about in advance. Yesterday in fact I phoned to say that I need to know NOW. They might be able to handle spontaneous arrivals and departures, but I can't. I said that too. Then out of the blue this friend started telling me how great it is that a certain tree in Australia has survived the fires. Well, it is great of course (really!), but did she have to tell me right then? I set a limit there too. "Quite enough to do atm, can't stay chatting on the phone." This friend has her heart in the right place, I'd say, but often her need to chatter overrules all that. She can talk the hind legs off a donkey and it stresses me. I haven't really decided what to do about her in general. She is a dear friend, we do have a lot of interests and activities in common, but it's really hard for me in general when people talk when we're meant to be quiet, which she does in choir practice, though she's not the only one and we don't sit next to each other either. It's as if she's a bit hyperactive. OK, I get it, as an image of B1 flits through my head: her behaviour sometimes reminds me of his behaviour. It's like a need for attention. Man, this stuff is so hard.  :fallingbricks:

Both of these two friends are coming Sat. afternoon, when the most number of people will be here. Seven plus me. May not sound a lot but for the space and for playing games round a table, it's a lot. And for me it's a lot. I thought to myself this morning, that if I get very tired and stressed, I could just send most of them home an hour early. This is sort of what another friend suggested (in a caring way, not a bossy way) about my games weekend in general. She isn't coming till Sunday afternoon and she said she hoped the whole weekend wouldn't be too much for me, but that if it got that way and I started collapsing, then that would be the end mid-weekend if need be. Her saying that helps me decide i can send most home early if Sat. afternoon is too much.

On the upside, there will be only 5 of us on Sat. eve and I don't have the feeling that certain people might be vying for attention. I'm looking forward to Sat eve, I think it'll be good. Sunday I'm looking forward to too, though there are still a few uncertainties. At most though 6 people including me at one time. Also more people who seem to appreciate how big this is for me, what a step forward and are helping in a useful way.

OK, now that I understand what some of the deeper issues are, I could go off and do some EFT.

While I was reading your post, a paraphrase of something a friend once told me popped into my head: "attending your birthday party is a privilege, not a right". I applaud you for recognising actual and potential boundary issues.

It's also great to hear how caring and supportive other friends are.

I hope it goes well and you have a great time.  :hug: and :phoot:

Quote from: Snowdrop on January 17, 2020, 01:49:18 PM
"attending your birthday party is a privilege, not a right". I applaud you for recognising actual and potential boundary issues.

Thanks Snowdrop, that's really helpful to read :hug:  :) :) See, there I am smiling again, grinning from ear to ear in fact.

I've just been doing more prep and I feel good while doing that. It helps me stay grounded and not worried about things.  I didn't even do any EFT - venting and then running a few errands outside helped me enough to get back to my tasks.

well done, blueberry! :thumbup:

and, happy, happy birthday!   :party: :cake:  what a gift you're giving yourself, by standing up to bossy people and doing your party your way!   :cheer:

i've found that, at times, too, that doing something physical can help me thru some rocky times.  laundry and dishes often do the trick for me.

enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!   :fireworks:   have a great time!  love and hugs :hug:

Wishing you a very happy birthday Blueberry  :cake: :fireworks:

I hope that all your events that you've planned go well and you enjoy them. 

Hope  :)

 :cake:      :party:

Happy birthday, Blueberry. I hope that the weekend is relatively stress free. I hope you feel honored and loved.   :hug:

Thank you everybody :bighug: I do feel a little stressed but what's not done in advance in preparation, is not done. I think once things get going, I will enjoy my day.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 17, 2020, 01:31:51 PM
:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: I wish I could un-invite a couple of people coming to my party tomorrow afternoon. I feel so stressed about some people's behaviour before they even come! One friend (about whom my T once said "you have friends who treat you like this??" NTS!!!) seems to be trying to organise my party for me in advance. She can be quite bossy, it's one of her bad sides. She's either trying to be helpful or well, trying to organise me.  ...if she starts trying to organise things on Sat. afternoon, or just stating loudly what she wants, I may well state a boundary. ... Then after my birthday, I'll demote her to the status of acquaintance and won't invite her next year or any other time I celebrate. Too much stress.

She lived up to all my expectations unfortunately. It took me a while to set an adequate boundary on her demands for that one particular game. She really tried to be the centre of attention, to make her presents the centre of attention, even her arrival: "Am I the first?" she queried loudly, having arrived too early. She wasn't actually the first because I had allowed my 2 guests who weren't local to come early or leave later, and one of them was there already. Sounds like a bit of a narc or at least  :dramaqueen:

I'm not swallowing that kind of stuff anymore. It's not the first time. So I phoned her this evening and said a number of things. She emailed wanting to know examples of her dominant and domineering behaviour, so I gave her a few.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 17, 2020, 01:31:51 PM
Then another friend and her husband  ...This friend has her heart in the right place, but often her need to chatter overrules all that. She can talk the hind legs off a donkey and it stresses me. I haven't really decided what to do about her in general. ... OK, I get it, as an image of B1 flits through my head: her behaviour sometimes reminds me of his behaviour. It's like a need for attention. Man, this stuff is so hard.   

As I wrote way above, she is a dear friend with her heart in the right place. Yes, there's a lot of chatter but our conversations when we're alone can go deep and she has long been a really good support in many ways. Even though I have thanked her for that, I'm not even sure she realises how much a support she has been. Apparently it's the same for me the other way because she has said she doesn't feel our friendship is unbalanced in giving and taking, whereas I felt like a needy burden for a long time. She's the kind who can make a fly-away comment at a party and get people laughing and chatting, but at the same time not in an overly domineering or dominant way. Sometimes I may need to set a little boundary as I did the other day during phone call and sometimes maybe need to withdraw a little and figure out if I'm triggered by something very small that's not the main part of our friendship at all.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 17, 2020, 01:31:51 PM
OK, now that I understand what some of the deeper issues are, I could go off and do some EFT.

I didn't do that EFT. Quite a while ago, my T said that by a certain stage, trauma therapy isn't really different from 'normal' therapy because healing involves the same steps of setting limits and boundaries, finding out who you are, where you're going, what you're putting up with or not. I finally understand what he means. Running a sentence of EFT through about my reaction to these friends wouldn't have been an appropriate response to feeling stressed by them / their behaviour. The vent on here was certainly good so I could get to the core of the issue. And then the next step involved acting in the moment or saying something after the fact. I did reel my friend's husband in a bit at my party as he went off on some tangent of conversation, aided and abetted by Now-Just-Acquaintance, I might add. It was a topic I had actually intended to bring up and the fact that I was going to do so would have been obvious to N-J-A, but she just had to get it in first of course. But my friend's h allowed himself to be reeled in and for me to talk about the subject briefly, in a way understandable to my guests who didn't know anything about it. His accepting being reeled in meant he allowed me to take on role of hostess again, he didn't have some 'inner need' to be centre of attention whereas somebody who doesn't accept that and just argues instead....   Bye-Bye.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 17, 2020, 07:04:43 PM
i've found that, at times, too, that doing something physical can help me thru some rocky times.  laundry and dishes often do the trick for me.

Me too, san, and the exact same physical activities: dishes and laundry. I think from what I read in the past few days you're going thru a difficult spell, so I just wanted to send you some support and  :hug: :hug:

i like what your t said about healing isn't always just about therapy - that part of it comes from living life day to day, acting appropriately, setting those boundaries, speaking up for oneself.  i think i knew that at some level, but seeing it written brought it to my consciousness and sounded great.  sounded true.  recovery, just like trauma, takes place on a multitude of levels, doesn't it. 

i'm glad your party ended up going well, that you were able to have that conversation and get some of the wrinkles and realizations ironed out and brought to light.  onward to another year of continuing healing.  sending love and a hug filled w/ enlightenment :hug:

I'm having some trouble getting back into a normal routine, after my birthday. In fact i spent most of the day in bed. I just got up when I absolutely had to.

Strange dreams atm, sometimes being with FOO and trying to get away. Yesterday at T, I started drifting off and splitting up a bit. Fortunately my T noticed and reminded me of ways to come back, so that I then did. We're working again on feeling. I'm never too keen on feeling. I'm meant to do a bit of feeling for homework, which could explain why I've been going back to bed. I'm feeling in order to try and heal more fully from the medical traumas, even if they are more relational traumas. I'm still often very unkeen to go to certain types of medical people, and don't go regularly though I know I should.

There's also tons of stuff I ought to be doing, stuff I put on hold in order to organise my birthday party. Now that's over it's time I went back to all those tasks.

Yesterday one very good piece of news: I've waited out the 2 years' interim at my T's. He can offer me appointments more regularly again now. I hadn't even known that was on the cards. He'll have to officially apply to the medical insurance but they can't turn it down. I think I get 12 appointments, but they can be every 2 weeks instead of just once a month, if that. More regular appointments are good when my T is trying to get me to feel. 

Hi Blueberry,
Just sending you a hug  :hug: and I hope that your weekend will be restful.  You had such a lot on with your Birthday - I imagine you must be tired from all of that.  I hope your strange dreams will settle, so you can get some respite from them.    Great that you will be having regular appointments again with your T - that is great news.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope :) :hug: I've actually been ill since Friday evening so my weekend has been very restful so far. I have been lying in bed!

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you're keeping warm in bed, and I hope you feel better soon.  Sending you a nice warming cup of something you'd like, and hoping you are ok.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope! :)

Well, I finally started making myself herbal tea to drink again in the night. Today I've been thinking I should go up to the farm tonight, but really whenever i get up and wander around I notice I'm shaky on my feet. I also think I should be thanking friends who came to my birthday but I'm hardly doing any of that.

The most important thing would be getting on with new glasses, which I could do tomorrow, especially if I don't go to the farm.

I spoke to a friend today with cptsd who said with the amount of things going on the past week, no wonder I've been just lying in bed. I was setting limits... and then an email came from this no-longer-friend https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10215.0 On the surface I felt detached as I responded but I guess I wasn't totally. I've been back to pondering myself as a friend and concluded on the one hand I'm not a very good one but on the other hand learning to be better e.g. noting my habit of making friends with rather dominant and domineering women and older ones at that - noting that I do that is one step along the way to stop doing so.

I've been succumbing to self-neglect so I presume it's a small EF. I didn't want to write that yesterday because I felt after my birthday and all the good things around it, including the progress I had made, I shouldn't then be moaning on here. The moral of the story: progress comes in small steps. Even when there seem to be large steps like at and around my birthday, that doesn't mean "happily ever after". There is still healing to be done.

i'm pretty wiped out right now, but sending love and a  :hug:

You have made big steps lately and I love the small steps you are taking by making herbal tea and listening to your body and resting.  :hug:

Thank you notalone! It just occurred to me while reading your post and your name what huge steps you've made since you came on here, so I just wanted to write that here too. :)

Thank you, Blueberry. That brings a smile to my face and warms and encourages my heart.  :hug:

 :) :) I saw you're making more progress again, notalone.

__________________
I suppose I'm in a bit of an EF again. Time feels weird, as if I'm been in this state for a long time though it's actually only off and on. Yesterday I read a lot of old, old posts of mine here, especially on the Diff. Day board. I do see improvement, lots in fact, but I also see how I go circling back in the same tracks. Depression, depression, depression. otoh no wonder since I attempted to communicate with FOO yesterday. Contact and their game-playing (or whatever they are doing) is just not good for me.

I was at my GP's today. Contrary to what his receptionists claimed, the lab managed to get a good lot of useful information out of the blood test. It's almost all fine. The only bad test results are for Vit. D, so bad my GP prescribed a supplement. I know you could say: 'go outside more often'. But commands are seldom useful for me, nor is appealing to (my own) reason and in the past often my body just wouldn't absorb certain nutrients, like iron. I haven't changed my diet for the better since back then, but iron has been fine for a few years, also Vit. B and C. Whereas before even the stores of iron in my body were constantly really badly depleted. I still always get worried before I get blood test results. I always fear my GP will say I'm going to get diabetes or or or if I carry on eating the way I am. Now I notice that's a projection. That's the sort of idea my parents came up with. They are not medical experts and they also believe in people getting what they deserve - like with my unhealthy eating habits I would 'deserve' diabetes or a heart attack or something. But actually diabetes could be a consequence though it doesn't seem to be in my case but it's not something anybody deserves.

I've had other things in my head today, yesterday too, like I shouldn't still be writing on here so much, I should be getting on with more in life, I should be taking more of those concrete beneficial steps... but I remembered Should is never good for me. And I remember encouragement from other mbrs on here towards me and how it helps me keep going whereas criticism of me or just agreeing with all those critical remarks I make about myself that wouldn't help. So back to self-acceptance.

Also I have a newish inner part to observe and allow to be, since my last T appointment. It's a part that felt like it wanted to go crazy. During my T appt it took on form and sat on the floor where it still is. I'm not feeling further into it. I know there are other mbrs here doing work on their own with inner parts but I've had so much bad experience with that in the past that I just block at the thought. I have trouble accepting that I'm not as talented as other mbrs with this. I remember a painful sort of realisation as a child that I couldn't help being not as intelligent intellectually as everybody else in my FOO. I'm not even sure if I really am less intelligent than they are, but at the time that's the way they acted. So that's sort of what this feels like again, or what I'm flashing back to I suppose.

So now I'll go back to reminding myself that it's OK to need help. The important thing is to realise where my limits are in dealing with myself, not go over them 'because everybody else can' and that destabilising myself by getting too close to something traumatic (whether memory or realisation from past or present) doesn't help anybody. Also, it's not a race. And often what I'm doing in my day-to-day life when not working directly on trauma is restabilising, gearing up for the next step, reconnecting with activities that help me with resilience. I remember that I had to actively work at learning to do things that help me keep going. Not a cognitive type of learning, but more a removing of emotional hurdles and blockages, so that means removing hurdles that were put in the way due to childhood trauma. Yeah, it was really bad what I went through as a child. One of the reasons that healing is taking so long is undoubtedly connected to continued contact with FOO, even though it's way, way down compared to even 5 years ago. 'They' say you can't even start to heal properly till you end contact with the original cause of the trauma. No wonder it's taking so long.

your last paragraph is so full of great, healthy, self-caring suggestions - just wonderful!  good for you, blueberry.  well done! :thumbup:

i take supplements for vitamins, incl. vit d, even tho i'm outdoors nearly daily.  the way my system is stressed, i don't know what is working well and what isn't - better safe than sorry, i think.  i haven't had a doc yet, over the centuries and gadzillions of docs i've seen who have ever tested me for deficiencies like that.  right now, i don't have the money to get that done, but i love that your doc was proactive enough to order those tests for you.   :applause:

love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on January 28, 2020, 10:52:40 PM
Should is never good for me.

Down with "should!"

Quote from: Blueberry on January 28, 2020, 10:52:40 PM
So back to self-acceptance.

Yes, You are special, Blueberry.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 28, 2020, 10:52:40 PM
I know there are other mbrs here doing work on their own with inner parts but I've had so much bad experience with that in the past that I just block at the thought. I have trouble accepting that I'm not as talented as other mbrs with this. I remember a painful sort of realisation as a child that I couldn't help being not as intelligent intellectually as everybody else in my FOO. I'm not even sure if I really am less intelligent than they are, but at the time that's the way they acted. So that's sort of what this feels like again, or what I'm flashing back to I suppose.

I can also fall into comparing myself to others. We each have our own journeys, traumas, relationships, strengths, weaknesses, resources, etc. You are an amazing, encouraging woman and you work really hard at your healing journey. Continue to take the steps that are right for you.

Thanks notalone :) :hug:

I seem to be back out of my EF again.

I noticed some more progress today. This is the second time in 2 weeks that I have done some voice exercises before going to choir practice. Might not sound like much, but it is, partially because of that 'should' thing, partly because I've known for a few years now that doing so would be helpful but I just never could get down to it beforehand and partly because just the thought of adding an extra 5-minute task to the week puts me on overwhelm alert, with good reason. I can only imagine that for this to suddenly start being possible, well, something must have shifted internally, something must have healed somewhere in me :) :cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer:

Thanks 3R  :)
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I'm so mad at FOO and their messing me around I couldn't sleep last night. I was thinking up letters in my head that I'd like to write to them. The kind of letter that wouldn't help me in any kind of practical way at all, the kind I suggest to others that they don't send, the kind that says :blowup: :blowup: and stop doing this :sharkbait: Stop messing me around.

Not helpful. So I got up pretty early and have sent one practical missive to the Narents (narc parents) already and have been busy putting numbers into a table for them as a comprehension aid to what kind of financial help I could do with, since they do ask.

So I'll see how far this gets me, if anywhere. Well, it will certainly bring clarity at some point, if nothing else.

best to you, blueberry, in accomplishing what you want by doing what you need to do.  i hate that feeling of being messed with.  ugh! :thumbdown:

sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity. :hug:

I really admire the way in which you deal with your FOO, Blueberry. Turning the sleepless thoughts into something practical. :applause:

Hi Blueberry,
That's an apt term 'Narents' and you've accomplished a lot to do those practical missives, which I hope gets you somewhere.  Hopefully clarity as you said. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope and Snowdrop. :)

____________________
I haven't checked out the Embodiment Conference yet, but I did look up the definition of embodied trauma and read that among other things, it's good to get rid of things that remind you of the trauma, sooner rather than later. That made me suddenly allow myself the concrete idea of selling family silverware that's in my possession. I mean up until now I wouldn't have dared. It's mine, sort of, but then not mine to do with as I wish. If FOO found out, it would be like with my pets. They'd say: "if we had known you were that hard up, we would have given you money for x,y,z." But atm they won't give me any clarity on general finances or inheritance and especially they don't want to let me plan my financial future in any way. 

I don't even use all those silver spoons, they're just taking up space in a drawer!

Generally I feel pretty stuck atm. Having tons to do, not feeling able to move on with it, going back to bed more often than not. Though, I was at the farm yesterday and today I did at least get up to teach and have now received a concrete appointment from somebody where I was waiting. Also I sensibly turned down 2 professional jobs where I knew I couldn't do them, instead of accepting and then struggling.

A good friend suggested I try mediation with my parents about inheritance and other financial issues. I've just been reading on OOTF to confirm to myself that it would very likely be not only useless but harmful. My friend assumes that it's neither my fault nor my parents' that we aren't progressing with these discussions.  She imagines we're talking on such different levels that comprehension isn't possible. How do you explain that after years of gaslighting you know that your parents don't want to understand? Rhetorical question. You can't explain.

Things have progressed in my mind since the above post but when I want to write them down, I find I can't. A familiar problem. I'll be able to when I'm ready.

I've been watching the Embodied Trauma Conference. I have gained a little more compassion for FOO and a little bit more understanding. All those issues with money? Traumatisation, and not just in my case but also among rich FOO mbrs.

The compassion comes more from realising how much pre-natal and peri-natal trauma was around. Well, actually I knew my maternal GrM experienced a lot but somehow it has become more real to me. I guess also some compassion about the flak she got within the greater family about not getting over various things that happened to her. otoh I have to be careful with compassion, careful not to have compassion for everybody else in FOO and neglect myself. I'm the only one really working on it after all.

I had a really good experience today. I was on the way to meet somebody at 2pm but my bike was having real problems. I could pedal and pedal and pedal and it wouldn't go faster than 14 kilometres an hour, so I stopped and found a woman with a mobile phone willing to make a call for me and I phoned the woman I was meeting up with and said I'd be half an hour late at that rate. So she came and collected me from where I was, which meant she was going to have to drive me back to that spot too. Since that was the case I left a bulky item in her car. Unfortunately her husband went somewhere else with that car and my bulky item. For me the really good experience was that she didn't harangue me or even sigh about me being so inconvenient leaving something in the wrong place, added to the bike malfunctioning too. My M would've been beside herself with rage and haranguing me on my supposed stupidity etc. even though she's, well, my M and not somebody I'm not that close to, who also had to bundle up her little toddler daughter to come and collect me.

Another good experience I'd like to write down before I lose it again: a friend was helping me write a letter explaining what all good I do in my present country of residence despite the fact that I don't earn enough money to qualify for citizenship. I'm trying to get citizenship and sometimes they make exceptions, so that's why I've been writing this list. I felt really energised afterwards, partially Wow! Just look at all that stuff I do as a volunteer, look what local organisations I'm involved in, look at how much I actually do get up and out of the house and do helpful things for other people or society in general! It's really true that I don't just lie around in my cptsd mess. Really noticing this, partially also because my friend was pointing it out to me - as in: yes of course xyz should go in this letter!  :)

hey,

i get the idea of being careful of compassion for those who hurt us having been hurt themselves.  i used to do it all the time, feel sorry for those who had terrible hardships/abuse when they were kids and grew up to do bad things to others.  i'm seeing it differently now, tho, which is working better for me (don't know if it helps you, and if not, please ignore).  we've been traumatized, our abusers have been traumatized, and onward down the line.  the difference is that some of us have made the choice not to be the same way to others that others have been to us.

we've all had that choice to make, no matter what the abuse.  it's too bad that everyone doesn't decide to be a better person, rise above their abuse, and choose not to perpetuate abuse on others.  but, they all don't.  i admire those people who don't want to continue the cycle of abuse, who go to great lengths, thru great fears, allow their vulnerability and find the courage to walk thru the darkness of shame in order to treat other people decently. 

you are amazing, blueberry - with all you do, what you accomplish, the progress you've made - any country would be better off for you being a citizen.

sorry about the whole FOO thing.  i tend to agree that some people are not capable of hearing what we say because they don't speak the language of truth and recovery.   sending love and a hug filled w/ all things good. :hug:

Hey san,

your ideas on compassion for those who hurt us do help me! They remind me to be careful. Idk there's something I have been wanting to convey to M - an appreciation that she has done some work on herself and I saw the results of that last time I was with FOO at Horrendous Event no. 2. Obviously it wasn't enough but it was a little glimmer. I'm thinking this is something I might want to convey before either of us pass and that it is combined with intergenerational trauma. GrM suffered big-time medical trauma in infancy at a time when people had no idea. I totally agree on: some of us make a choice to not be the same to others as our abusers were to us!!

"i admire those people who don't want to continue the cycle of abuse, who go to great lengths, thru great fears, allow their vulnerability and find the courage to walk thru the darkness of shame in order to treat other people decently."

Thank you san for those words :hug:  You are describing yourself, me and everbody else on this forum :grouphug:

This is progress I've undoubtedly been through before but want to write it down again. Doing so will help stop that old ICr.

Due to a severe storm warning for this evening till Monday afternoon and due to feeling as if I've got way too much to deal with by Monday anyway, I cancelled my farm work tomorrow. Now due also to the storm warning, our choir service is cancelled this evening. So I thought "Hey, in that case, I could go up to the farm after all! I would have time to get there before the storm. They probably could do with me tomorrow!" But then I felt - and still feel - something like anxiety in my guts and stress of course too so I've decided to stay home. They will manage without me at the farm and it's good to be on the safe side of falling trees, high winds, and even cancelled buses etc. for my trip to and from the farm.

You've definitely made the right decision. We probably had the same storm here today, and it's been a bit fierce.

Stay safe :hug:.

Yes, wise decision. Glad you are staying safe and warm Blueberry.

Blueberry.  I was really struck when reading your post at how wise you've become with discerning your needs and claiming your right to take care of you! I love that.   

I also was thinking that it sounded like your "gut" or inner instinct, inner guidance system, was speaking to you, letting you know what you needed to do to take care of you and even though you had the conversation with self and perhaps a bit of the iCr getting involved as well, you listened to the healthy self-care part. I've been thinking lately about that inner knowing, the "listening to our hearts" and how it always seems to know, but how hard it has been to learn to even hear, much less listen to, or trust that guiding force. The non Icr inner voice.

Anyway.  a big hardy good job and thanks so much for sharing.  :hug:

Snowdrop, notalone and MoonBeam - thanks for all your comments and good wishes. I'm glad I stayed home last night and didn't go up to the farm. Better be safe than sorry. The worst part of the storm was in the middle of the night and early morning but in the evening on a bicycle or even on the bus I would have been vulnerable. In the countries I grew up in, the police or authorities used to sometimes say "Folks, please just stay home if at all possible!" Lots of trees have come down round here, including a big one in our garden - fortunately it didn't land on any buildings. 

This evening it sounds worse outside than last night, when I didn't even hear that huge tree come down. There's another tree that doesn't look too well-rooted either. I'm not sure if it could hit the house or not, if it fell this way. But it can't hit the front of the house where my office is so that's why I've come back here and onto the computer  ;)

MoonBeam thanks for pointing out my progress to me, progress in ways I hadn't really noticed as well as the nuances of learning to hear and then listen to and trust that guiding force. My inner guiding force, healthy self-care, (sometimes just called 'instinct of self-preservation' I think) is one of the things that was so nearly destroyed by the emotional and psychological abuse I grew up with. So it's good for me to know that you see it! It must be growing again. Well, it is.

I'm thinking back to an occasion at school. I must have been 16 or 17 and I'd just come off stage in a drama production, carrying a lantern with a candle in it. Somebody came towards me and shoved the lantern inside my cape (so no members of the audience could see me), the next person who encountered me grabbed the lantern and pulled it out (presumably to stop me setting myself or the cape on fire). If a third person had come along and put the lantern back inside my cape, I would have let that happen. Usually at home with FOO whatever decision I made would have been met with ridicule, derision, scorn and "don't be so stupid". So yes, you're correct, MoonBeam I'm claiming my right to take care of me! :) :) Thanks for giving me the words for it.

san, I just wanted to add that your message which reminded me to be careful was helpful today too: Today I did think of my parents because both their country and mine are in the midst of severe weather warnings. I did have an impulse to reach out via email with "hope you're OK, I am" but I desisted. I reached out to a few people locally instead.

 :hug: Blueberry. So glad you are safe and sound. And thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for all you went through with your FOO. You are a lovely being, a wise, brave and strong you!

I have a cold but it doesn't feel as bad as usual because I'm not in an EF at the same time. Suddenly felt this difference today! :cheer:

I had an appointment today about my advertising and asked the graphic design artist if she'd take a photo of me then and there, which she did. Took lots of different photos of me. Of course some I had my eyes closed or this or that, but there were quite a number which I could look at and sort of accept that that's how I look. I managed to smile and look relaxed in at least 2 or 3. It will be a further step choosing the final one and then seeing it in print in my flyer. But hey, all a big improvement on last time I got flyers printed :cheer:. The discussion was productive too.  :)

That is super exciting Blueberry.  :cheer:  On all fronts!   :cheer:

 :thumbup: :cheer:

Thanks for your encouragement MoonBeam and notalone! :) :hug: :hug:

I came back on really just to help give myself the impetus to get on with a few small jobs, very small ones. This is one of the many ways in which OOTS helps me. One the one hand I feel kind of stuck atm, on the other hand I'm managing to get on with a few jobs bit by bit which helps me not get stuck, and on top of that I'm still teaching, despite having a cold. 

hope you feel better real soon, sweetie.  and, good for you for finding that motivation to do even a few small things.  sometimes that can be a very big deal.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you for that reminder san! My cold has got worse but it still is just that: a cold. Not a cold plus EF, which is apparently what I always used to have. What a difference! Today I managed to get more done than yesterday. Just keeping going with small things e.g. washing the dishes, laundry x2, emptying garbages, some cleaning and tidying and I've just sent a couple of FOO emails. Hoping for more clarity. Also had a chat with a few people I met about town

No response yet to those FOO emails. Maybe there never will be. Who knows. I had bad dreams on account of sending them though. F was in a rage and punishing me the way I was punished as a child. Physical punishment which was also designed to degrade and humiliate. Though not half as brutal as physical punishment done to others on here, it worked, obviously, or I wouldn't have been having those bad dreams last night and it wouldn't be taking me so long to stand up for myself in FOO.

In the dream I was witness to the punishment happening to a younger me. I didn't rescue younger me, but I did wake up. I explained to younger me about being grown up now and F not being able to do anything like that anymore. What younger me wanted to know was whether she'd be safe from contact with parents and the rest of nuclear FOO for ever. Yes. The response has to be Yes. This is the sort of safety my Inner Children have far more idea about the necessity of than Adult me does. In my Adult I felt some sadness - maybe that's mourning Idk - but I know my IC(s) are right in this.

Keeping younger me(s) safe from FOO for ever entails no mediation. Not that I was considering it anyway, it was more thinking how to explain to somebody else how impossible it is and that, no, it's not 'my fault'. If anything it's the fault of the whole dysfunctional family system.

I went down into the garden to empty my compost but then I stayed out there for quite a while, cleaning up both dead twigs and branches that came down in last week's storm and dead plant life I didn't cut back in autumn. I discovered more snowdrops coming up but also tiny dandelions and ground elder, which means I'll soon be back in the garden harvesting my greens :)   It did me good being out in the fresh air, doing simple jobs with my hands. It also was undoubtedly good to be doing that kind of grounding, nature activity after all those bad dreams.

it's beginning to look like spring here, too, blueberry - seeing those early flowers somehow moves my spirit.  gardening was always something i looked forward to after the winter.

sounds like an awful dream - i'm just glad it's not reality anymore.  love and hugs! :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug today  :hug:  When I am more articulate I'd want to say more, but can't find the words just now.  I'm glad you got out in the fresh air and that it was grounding and I hope the bad dreams will leave you alone. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope and san :hug:

I'm certainly having strange dreams again, the strangest being: I gave birth and was wondering how on earth I managed to get pregnant without noticing?? Virgin birth? It was a baby girl. I planned to give her up for adoption, but had her with me in my apartment for a day, where I lost her. The way I lose pens, papers and that kind of thing.

There were other dreams where there was a 'feeling' of FOO being around. Not that I could pinpoint it.

I feel very sluggish but I'm teaching in half an hour so I had better get organised for that.

I heard recently that when you dream of a child, the child is often a part, even if you're unaware of that in the dream. I don't know if that sheds light on any of the dreams you've been having.

I hope you're recovering from your cold. :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop, I've heard that too. :hug:
_________________________________________________
I feel stuck atm so I'm going to write a few good things to focus on.

I probably mentioned one of my neighbours put a fridge in the basement running off the communal electricity, which I told her she'd have to compensate me for. She has actually removed the whole fridge! Things are often difficult in this building but it feels good when I actually make some headway.

I still have a cold but the cold itself is not giving me an EF.
I felt warm enough last night.
There are no storm warnings today (yet) so I will make it to therapy.
Even though I feel stuck and lots of decision-making seems urgent, I can remind myself that it's not as urgent as it seems. I can put various decisions off till next week.

well done, making a pos. list for when you're feeling stuck.  :cheer:

and very happy to hear she got rid of the fridge.  you did good on that one, too. :cheer:

hope your appt. went well.  hope your cold goes away soonest.  hope you don't have more storms.  sending love and a hug full of all the best :hug:

Blueberry, my mind is fuzzy, but want to sent you care.  :hug:

Thank you notalone  :hug: My mind feels all fuzzy today too. That's life with cptsd, I guess. However, thank you for caring.

_________________________

Despite the progress I wrote about on the Progress board, I'm having trouble motivating myself in general atm, has been this way for about a week maybe. Especially trouble with housework and with self-care. It could mean that it's difficult to do that concurrently with paid work? Things are improving work-wise but in 'compensation' I'm letting housework and self-care slip. :yes: My inner head is nodding. Well, 'have to' and 'should' don't work well for me, but maybe I'll want to do some work to make my surroundings more pleasant, more beautiful, more inviting, and less likely for me to lose things in.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 22, 2020, 02:14:39 PM
Especially trouble with housework and with self-care. It could mean that it's difficult to do that concurrently with paid work? Things are improving work-wise but in 'compensation' I'm letting housework and self-care slip. :yes: My inner head is nodding.

I understand this. I often think of all the things I should do in the house, but even working a short shift of 3-5 hours takes a lot out of me. I need to spend a great deal of time re-grouping. Sometimes that means being on OOTS, sometime journaling, netflix binging, staring into space, etc.

Thank you notalone :) It's comforting that I also am not alone with spending a great deal of time re-grouping which sometimes means doing activities that sound like a 'waste of time'. I do a lot of reading around on the Internet e.g. of which the most useful is probably being on here.   

This morning I made such a mistake I didn't get out of bed till the early afternoon. Partly just because and partly because I live in a place with a huge Carnival before we move into Lent I was thinking about what to fast from in Lent. One idea was fasting from OOTS for 2 weeks. That might not be such a bad idea. I know there are others on here who sometimes take a break from Internet activities and others who simply don't post as much as I do. And of course I "should" be taking my steps forward, doing them instead of writing about them and spending the time I spend being on OOTS doing more useful things.  :doh:  That didn't work out too well, it never does. "Should" isn't good for me and fasting I see as restricting myself and that seems to trigger something. So far I've never wanted to feel what it is exactly about restricting that seems so problematic. It could be something 'logical' but it could be because of some particular incident too. I seem much better able to move forward adding a new way of behaving or thinking when other people are fasting. Adding a new way of behaving would be taking one of those concrete beneficial steps or maybe just something I've been intending to do for a good long while and trying it out.

Sometimes people do very thorough house-cleaning during Lent. I actually started yesterday. For instance I finally washed my kitchen floor instead of just sweeping or vacuuming. It looks much better and I feel better too.

An act of self-care I did a week or so ago was finally go and get a hearing test. One ear is perfect, the other not so much so I'm meant to go to a doc about it. I will. But at least I've finally done the hearing test after thinking about it for about 6 months.

I realised today when I was out and about that I need to be careful of myself and my ICs. I really like Carnival but it can be a slightly triggering time as well, e.g. if I suddenly feel I don't belong or if I suddenly feel there's something wrong with me that I'm out and about on my own. FOO always used to criticise me and make fun of me for being on my own, in a really mean way too. It's taken me a long time in healing to come back to the conclusion that I actually like being on my own. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

i think the whole lent thing is very individual.  i was raised religiously, and us kids gave up candy for lent.  however, my M made the exception for Sundays.  her own reason, i guess.   when i was in college, i used to give up smoking.  it never lasted long, tho.  that was an attempt to do something positive for myself by restricting it. 

does 'taking your steps forward' mean that if you post on the forum, that doesn't happen?  i know that, for me, posting what's going on w/ me is a step forward in itself.  it gets me out of my comfort zone at times of believing i have to do everything on my own, that compliments don't count for me, and that support is non-existent.  every time one of those things happen, it chips away at ICr talk just that much more.  but, i know this isn't the same for everyone.

i like your idea of doing something beneficial - that could be a restriction on doing nothing, or doing something harmful, if it needs to have a restrictive feel to it.

just thoughts coming out.  i know you'll figure out what's best for you.  love and hugs, my dear blueberry. :hug:

The answer is extra pressure - and giving something up for 6 weeks would involve pressure - is not good for me. A restrictive feel to anything isn't helpful for me, tends to be triggering.

san, I guess I was thinking I should be more like some others on here who are getting on with life, really moving forwards, and only drop by from time to time to post. But Should is never good for me, so it's probably better to admit to myself that I still need support from here and accept that needy part of myself.

Blueberry,
This may be way off base, if so, please just disregard. I was thinking of the Bible verse that says that the KINDNESS of God leads to repentance (Romans 2:4). Maybe if you want to practice Lent, instead of giving something up, you could think of a small kind thing to do for yourself each day, and consider that a kindness from God. Again, if this doesn't make sense or fit for you, just disregard.

hey, blueberry,

should is never good for me, either.  nor is comparing.  you deserve all the care, comfort, and support you require.  my neediness wavers from hour to hour sometimes, and i'll be here, checking in several times a day, or, if it's not the right thing for me, i'll stay away for a bit.  as you know, this stuff is completely individual, and may i just say that i love your individuality.  when you talk about your gardening, or riding your bike or working at the farm it always makes me smile. 

just keep taking care of you, however that may look, ok?  you're amazing.  love and hugs :hug:

I think it is really great that you washed your kitchen floor and that it left you with a good feeling.  And it's great that you went to go get that hearing check for your self. Taking care of yourself isn't easy! Doing those things are steps forward, and they are the right steps for you.

You talk about 'shoulds'. you taught me through your journals that 'shoulds' and 'have tos' aren't good things. It was really an eye-opener for me when I realised the same thing reading your journals and your thoughts. 'Shoulds' are so destructive. It can get very constricting, just by thinking the word I feel like I'm being choked. Comparing yourself with what other do and doesn't do might not be so helpful for your own progression or healing. Other people's paths are theirs, you are free to make your own path. Make the choices you feel are good for you.
And if that means doing things in a slower pace than others? Then that's what you need.

Quote from: notalone on February 26, 2020, 03:02:26 AM
I was thinking of the Bible verse that says that the KINDNESS of God leads to repentance (Romans 2:4). Maybe if you want to practice Lent, instead of giving something up, you could think of a small kind thing to do for yourself each day, and consider that a kindness from God.

This is a brilliant idea, notalone! :cheer: Thank you so much! :hug:

Sceal and san, you're both right! Thank you so much for your reminders and your kindness to me. 'Shoulds' and 'have tos' are not good for me, nor is comparing. I suppose that's my ICr. making itself heard when I start comparing myself with others again.
_________________________
With notalone's suggestion that I try to do one kind thing to myself a day in Lent instead of trying to give something up, I decided to make a Kindness thread https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13156.0 which other mbrs are free to add to.

As I wrote today my act of kindness was to decide on the spur of the moment to go to a Catholic/Protestant joint Ash Wednesday church service and there I learnt some things about Lent! Religion, belief, spirituality is something I've only got to know as an adult so I'm still learning lots. The priest mentioned people give up things like meat, alcohol, sugar for Lent but really often they're doing that for themselves. I'm a prime example of that, thinking that I can hopefully use Lent to get my eating somewhat better in control. Of course, it wouldn't have panned out anyway. The priest said that fasting in Lent is more about getting closer to God (or to spirituality you could say too), so slowing down, becoming more aware and self-aware.

Well, that's what we try to do on here too isn't it? So sure, if fasting from some type(s) of food were to help me feel more and become more self-aware and move on in healing, that would be beneficial, but what I was thinking of instead would just set me up to fail again and isn't even what Lent is really about! So instead a daily act of kindness towards myself, and trying for more spirituality in my life. I'll be helped in the latter merely by going to church more often and by going to choir practice. 

The priest and the minister both said in different ways something like - we're human, we're not perfect. So that reminds me to not expect 120% from myself either. I also feel totally self-forgiving about not realising what Lent is really about.  :thumbup: :applause:

You're welcome. Glad the idea was helpful to you and that I took the risk to write it; I was feeling hesitant.  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on February 25, 2020, 07:33:39 PM
The answer is extra pressure - and giving something up for 6 weeks would involve pressure - is not good for me. A restrictive feel to anything isn't helpful for me, tends to be triggering.

Today I remembered also that finding joy in my life is really important, essential really, to keep depression at bay. Depression is one of my huuuuge cptsd symptoms or comorbidity or whatever it is. Freeze modus from a very young age. How could I have forgotten I need joy? Joy is something I find when I concentrate on my senses: seeing colour, smelling pleasant scents, listening to pleasant sounds, touching certain surfaces or feeling the sun on my face. I can also feel joy in doing something I've long planned to do but have been putting off because...???

I suppose it would be a kindness to myself to let joy back in.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 16, 2020, 05:29:18 PM
No response yet to those FOO emails. Maybe there never will be. Who knows.

A response came today and it's not all bad. There is at least some short-term clarity and some more money upcoming.

As others have written on the forum, money issues especially poverty are stressful. I agree because I'm once again noticing that. I have been working out what my income could rise too, maximum, and it's not 'pretty' putting it mildly. I know that it's even difficult sometimes to remain in your circle of friends / acquaintances when you're poor (and they're not) because they meet in a cafe or go to a movie and you don't have the money for that. I'm very lucky in that some of my friends appreciate the problem and pay for me, but in a way that's not condescending or anything.

In fact this stress about impending poverty is probably part of what's been sending me back into EFs or just depression, that and probably just the usual FOO stuff, of feeling messed around, not being dealt with in a straightforward way, and their excuses. The current one: "we've haven't checked our emails for a few weeks". I think to myself: "Well, why don't you? Wouldn't that make sense?" and I also think: "Oh, yeah? So you mean you don't check for other emails? You don't get photos of your grandchildren anymore via email?"

There's still not enough FOO clarity to help with my citizenship application though. Oh well.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 28, 2020, 11:15:07 PM
I suppose it would be a kindness to myself to let joy back in.

I like that.  :party:

 :yeahthat:

what a great idea.  i'm looking forward now to the day when i can do that.  excellent, blueberry.  love and hugs! :hug:

I used to write my Little Book of Daily Joys. That helped me see what really brings me joy. Not what I thought I 'should' be doing today, but I accept myself anyway: I spent quite a lot of the day curled up warm under a blanket. I know just feeling warm and calm gives me a sense of joy. Also speaking to someone who is generally smiley and cheerful - I did go across to the market to speak to the farm people today and there was the most cheerful person from the farm ;D I felt more cheerful right away.

I also have a sense of achievement about a number of things in the past few days. That gives me joy too. Sense of achievement: (1) my FOO correspondence has brought some changes, some clarity, some progress from FOO    (2) I got an adult student to see what I meant by going ahead and doing a particular type of exercise he hadn't thought he needed help with and certainly not doing it the way experience tells me is useful. I keep seeing that in my head - him smiling happily and saying 'Thank you. Now I understand!!'

Hi Blueberry,
I like the sound of your Little Book of Daily Joys.  I had a book of gratitude.  I'd forgotten about it, and might look for it again.  It was nice to write things in that book. 

I'm glad you kept walm and calm and that you felt a sense of joy, that is lovely.   :cheer: for the sense of achievement you've had as well.  Also wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

I have had a similar book to Blueberry that has helped me out from depressions and dark places. I just never stick with it for long enough for it to be a daily practice all year round :)

But it is writing down 1-5 things that either made me joyful or grateful during the day. It forces me to think about the more positive sides of the day.
And on particularly difficult days it can just be that I have X in my life. Or that I have running water in my tap that I can drink.

I have - once again - tonsillitis, so I won't be around for a while. Should be warm in bed with hot drinks etc.

I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

Dear Blueberry,
I would like to wish you the best for your recovery from tonsillitis, and I hope you have some soothing drinks and whatever you need to make your recuperation comfortable.   :hug:
Hope  :)

o, dear, get well soon, blueberry.  wishing you all the healing energy possible!  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you all  :hug: :)
_________________________________

I still have tonsillitis and I'm mostly resting in bed these days. An adult student of mine brought me a whole grocery bag of throat-soothing foods and also some flowers.  :) :)

In the days before I got sick, I didn't get on with things I "should have", maybe because I was sickening for something? Or maybe it was the beginning of an EF after all. Reading Pete Walker last night - I seem to have been involved in workaholism to the extent I can manage that anyway. More students, more teaching and when not doing that, then recuperating in non-constructive ways like roaming around on the Internet, reading news etc. Not exclusively. I did do some garden work on one day and that was good. I didn't get on with washing dishes or laundry. Now I remember how important it is to keep the basics like washing dishes going. I started on the dishes yesterday so that I had a saucepan to heat up soup in and I did some more today. I didn't overdo it.

Today it was especially good to wash dishes as a grounding exercise after I had a kind of pain flashback. I usually have painful ears during a tonsillitis bout and the past few days have been no exception

***TW *** CPA / sibling abuse

It was suddenly like I felt B1's fists on my ears and the continued pain afterwards. Then I remembered the pain I flashed back to a while ago of having been punched on the nose by B1. That happened pretty often, I don't know about fists on ears how often that happened. I also remember the anticipated pain of being punched on the nose, when I knew it was coming I suppose or maybe when frightened of it happening.

*** End TW ****

I think it was in Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" (anyway somewhere in his works) where I read yesterday that the inner critic is the internalised criticising parent or other authority figure from the past. Now I get it! That's why B1 turns up so much as ICr, together with M - he was given a role of authority over me even though he's not even 2 years older. Since he was aided and abetted in that role by M and enF, there was no way I was capable of changing it. I was at their mercy. For a long time the impact he had on me was dismissed by Ts and other professionals. My current T doesn't see it that way, but for years of healing, it was like 'shrug, siblings fight'.

Today I tried to contact and soothe an IChild, but actually it seemed more an Inner Teen who was affected. I tried saying the things Pete Walker suggests, like "You're safe now. I'll protect you now. I won't let them hurt you again. If need be, I'll call the police, deal the abusers a blow myself...Whatever it takes. I won't let them hurt you ever again." An IC I've heard before said "No you won't, you don't protect us and you can't". Sometimes I have Inner Teens and Inner Children together, like my 7 yo is often with an IT, and the ICs tend to be more willing to speak than the ITs. I still feel kind of flummoxed. Possibly that was enough for one day and I can just let things sit for a bit and they'll work away on their own. Tbh my ICs not reacting the way they "should" is part of what puts me off IC work. Not that there should be a particular way for anybody's inner parts to function. Instead I need to accept my inner parts and myself for where we are on the healing path and accept that methods that used to work (I've done a lot of IC work in the past) maybe don't work so well anymore.

I did some Screen Work too to banish B1. I had to put even more protective barriers than normal.

Well, one good thing about being sick, I have time to let things bubble up to the surface. I can't run around being busy to unconsciously prevent that happening.

funny how that works - our bodies make us take the time to think.  amazing to me.  but, i am sorry you're still sick.  i know how much that sucks.

being double-teamed by abusers can complicate things.  not only are there 2 different sources of abuse (this is my opinion, because i'm also dealing with a triple-team effect) but the idea that one backs up the other seems to me to have an exponential effect of how traumatic the abuse ends up being.  to have to battle one type of abuse from one abuser is one thing; to have to battle 2 types of abuse from 2 different abusers has to take in both personalities, ways of being, their interactions between themselves and the fallout of that on you.  it's like 1 + 1 = 16. 

no wonder your inner children end up confused and untrusting of you being able to take care of them.  they were hit by uneven odds.  maybe they need a superhero to intervene.  we could all have used that kind of help, i think.

i find taking a day to do chores, physical activity, to be grounding as well.  it always gives my brain a little bit of rest from looking at screens or thinking too much.  both the focus and the energy are changed, and it seems to help somehow.

keep taking care of you, blueberry.  love that someone brought you flowers!  sending love and hugs full of healing energy! :hug:

Thank you san  :hug:
____________________________

I came back on here to read and write b/c it's a bit lonely being stuck at home sick and not able to speak because of throat pain.

More came up last night and continuing on today. I remember reading in one of Pete Walker's books about allowing children healthy venting e.g. in this case he allowed his 6yo son to stomp all the way up the stairs, possibly saying how dumb or mean someone was, maybe even his own dad, I don't remember exactly. By the time junior got to the top of the stairs all the anger was out and everything was good again. When I first read that months ago, I thought - but you can't allow your child to do that, they have to learn not to. (thinking from FOO-perspective).

Now today is the first time I can see that differently. I had a stair-stomping episode when I was a few years older in fact I was 10yo for which I received corporal punishment from F. Tbh I feel shame as I write that I did stair-stomping at 10, BUT I realised today that there was no healthy methods of dealing with annoyance or anger in FOO, so what was I to do? Before then I'd cried a lot, for which I received all sorts of abuse, and I was doing SH by then too. No healthy methods of dealing with anger. Nobody punished B1 ever for taking out his anger on me, physically. Isn't that far, far worse: beating up your younger sister (even if she didn't have to go to hospital on a/c of it :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:) than stomping up the stairs? I remember during the punishment hearing: "This has got to stop". Wouldn't it have been 'nice' if F could have been so forceful (and I don't mean thru corporal punishment) in getting B1 and M to stop taking their anger out on me? Tho I have to admit at the time and years later I would have been glad if B1 had been punished the way I was. He was for other misdemeanors, but not for taking his anger out on me.

Corporal punishment in my FOO was mixed with CSA, though not in F's case. It was meant to not just hurt physically but to humiliate and degrade, and to have other FOO mbrs laughing at you and ridiculing you about it. It was an easy way to control me, at least in the ways that I could control myself. I couldn't stop crying, so corporal punishment wasn't 'helpful' there, but in getting me to shut down and never say 'no' to B1 e.g. or I guess in not giving vent to anger at all, oh yes, very helpful. The fact that the way M did it was sexualised (see some of this thread https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=5727.0) makes it really difficult for me to talk about or heal from. I mean, it's so difficult that I can hardly say it in therapy, I'm so frightened of re-triggering myself and I'm so frightened of it being minimised. Not that my T minimises at all, but still the fear is there. Also it's embarrassing, for me anyway.

It is a step forward that I feel less shame for stair-stomping at 10, that I've even managed to write about it, and that I realised if stair-stomping was so wrong 'a display of temper' as they said in FOO, then what about all that violence done to people that simply went without comment (except for when I started complaining as a teen about B1 - then it was 'not very often', 'you didn't have to go to hospital' etc)?? Wasn't it a display of temper too? Shouldn't they have felt ashamed? But of course they didn't. In their minds I deserved it. Anyway, need to end this here and now.

Blueberry,
I hope you feel better soon. I am glad you are taking care of yourself.

I find washing the dishes to be grounding also.

You have a lot of reason to be angry and you had a lot of reason to be angry at the age of ten. Stomp away!!!!

Quote from: Blueberry on March 07, 2020, 02:13:14 PM
Not that there should be a particular way for anybody's inner parts to function. Instead I need to accept my inner parts and myself for where we are on the healing path and accept that methods that used to work (I've done a lot of IC work in the past) maybe don't work so well anymore.

:yeahthat: I think that's true.

Quote from: notalone on March 08, 2020, 03:24:04 AM
You have a lot of reason to be angry and you had a lot of reason to be angry at the age of ten. Stomp away!!!!

"Really??!?" says a large part of me. Not ICr. I'm not sure who. OK, like a large group of ICs and ITeens morphed into one, undoubtedly with my present-day adult still in the mix. "Really??!?" = incredulity. So thanks so much for posting that notalone. Obviously it's very validating.

In between drinking warm drinks, looking after myself, sleeping and just lying there resting, I'm spending more time reading "The Tao of Fully Feeling", even bits I've read before that maybe didn't mean so much at the time, but now I'm underlining away in pencil. At least this way I can see that I am making progress emotionally. :yes:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 07, 2020, 03:51:26 PM
funny how that works - our bodies make us take the time to think.  amazing to me.  but, i am sorry you're still sick.  i know how much that sucks.

I'm remembering the years 1999-2000 where I got sick every 2 months, then every month ... till eventual complete collapse  :fallingbricks: even though I was working on myself and my problems, quite hard actually. Oh well. A couple of days ago I thought/felt "I am so tired of this - on and off again sick" but there will be some reason. Something I'm not paying attention to that needs my attention. So keep getting sick till I can change something in my life atm, maybe just a thought pattern, Idk. So, I no longer feel "tired" of this. It's just the way it is.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 07, 2020, 03:51:26 PM
being double-teamed by abusers can complicate things.  not only are there 2 different sources of abuse (this is my opinion, because i'm also dealing with a triple-team effect) but the idea that one backs up the other seems to me to have an exponential effect of how traumatic the abuse ends up being.  to have to battle one type of abuse from one abuser is one thing; to have to battle 2 types of abuse from 2 different abusers has to take in both personalities, ways of being, their interactions between themselves and the fallout of that on you.  it's like 1 + 1 = 16. 

I never thought of it like that before, especially the idea of one abuser backing up the other having an exponential effect.
1 +1 = 16 produces a wry smile from me.  I'm sorry you're going through these realisations in healing atm too. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 07, 2020, 03:51:26 PM
no wonder your inner children end up confused and untrusting of you being able to take care of them.  they were hit by uneven odds. 

san, could you manage to write this in different words, especially the "uneven odds"? Somehow the message isn't getting thru to me. It doesn't have to be right away!

:hug: :hug: I see you're doing deep work on yourself atm.  :applause: :thumbup: :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on March 08, 2020, 08:09:17 PM


In between drinking warm drinks, looking after myself, sleeping and just lying there resting, I'm spending more time reading "The Tao of Fully Feeling", even bits I've read before that maybe didn't mean so much at the time, but now I'm underlining away in pencil. At least this way I can see that I am making progress emotionally. :yes:

:cheer: for your self-care, and it's great that you're making progress emotionally too.  Sending you a gentle hug, and hoping you are gradually feeling better over time  :hug:
Hope  :)

hey, blueberry,

sorry about being imprecise w/ my wording.  a more better (chuckle) phrase would have been 'imbalance of power'.  while there is always an imbalance of power between an authority figure and someone else, such as a child and a parent, when there are more than one authority figures (such as how B1 was elevated to that status by your M) the scales are tipped even more against the child.  add an enF to the mix and everything gets even more complex - the child has an even more difficult time navigating such waters. 

not only are there 2 abusive people, the one whose job it also was to protect the child sits back and allows the abuse to happen.  if this went on into your teens, all those inner youngsters were being beaten down, physically, mentally, and emotionally, from many different angles in many different ways.  since children are more trusting to begin with, i can see how your IC might respond to your words of protection in  a more positive manner.

from working with adol. girls, i know that teens respond well to consistency and boundaries.  with the work you've been doing, blueberry, and the progress you've made, your inner teen is noting all this.  it just may take more time for her to trust, so please be patient, both with her and yourself.  you are definitely getting there, have been showing her how you're taking care of situations much differently than you have in the past, and that's the kind of thing that is building trust for her.  i have no doubt she'll come around. 

so, yeah, imbalance of power.  that's what's messed with all of us.  love and hugs, blueberry :hug:

Thanks so much san, that's really helpful, has given me some ideas and things to think on.

Quite a lot of realisations going on in me but I find I'm too tired/sick to write them down. Hope I remember them, or they come back. Anyway off to  :zzz: again

Hi Blueberry,
Hope you slept well, and sending you good wishes to recover and feel better soon.   :hug:
Hope  :)

i've found sleep to be my best medicine.  keep feeling better, please and thank you!  love and hugs, blueberry :hug:

NTS to maybe read the posts from Hope and san again sometime and respond
__________________________

The coronavirus situation is affecting me in good ways. It's really strange. It's as if now that everybody's lives are full of uncertainties and it's not just me who's not functioning normally but rather the whole country, the whole world has gone sideways, I have more energy and more motivation to do things. I'm flabbergasted at this change.

I've started eating better / healthier e.g. more veg. I'm looking more what is in my cupboards and what can I make use of. Not just food, but I have e.g. candles and I lit one today, for the first time in about a year. Why not? Brightens the place up a bit and warms it too. But it's really that I have an inner urge to do this and other things like that for which I haven't taken the time and/or felt the inclination for ages. I crave less junk food. It reminds me of the time when I developed food allergies and due to trace amounts etc. couldn't eat any chocolate whatsoever, not to mention the things I'm allergic to of course. So I just stopped eating chocolate overnight and that was it. That's years ago now. Eventually my allergies got steadily better. It's a question of how stable I am. I no longer react to trace amounts. So I can eat chocolate again, more's the pity for my figure.

Idk how long these changes will last. I'm not ruling out EFs and other steps backwards, otoh it's really cool for me to notice how much energy to do things is bubbling up in me. It's necessary for me to put the brakes on sometimes e.g. when I notice I'm making a whole bunch of language mistakes - that means I need a break. Or when I start reading comments on some website, then I'm taking a break w/o planning it.

Another impulse I've had in the past 2 days is to acquire some Little Furries again - guinea pigs. I'm likely to be doing self-isolation for 3-4 months and although I do have a phone for human contact (and email), it would probably do me a lot of good to have pets around to look after and watch and talk to. I need to think further on that though. Guineas can live up to 9, even 10 years, though 6-8 is more usual, so it's kind of a medium-term project. They also cost money for upkeep and especially if you have to take them to the vet's - or ask somebody else to do so. My income is likely to drop substantially so the idea is slightly irrational. I'll continue thinking on it.

Another impulse, which I've already put in motion, is thinking I just don't care if FOO happened to find this site and put 2 and 2 together and realise who I am. I've mentioned the guineas which I usually keep quiet about, on another thread I wrote a reference to where I live, whereas I've kept that under wraps up till now.

Today has been a bit more difficult, but nothing like as difficult as a difficult day pre-COVID-19. I did get quite a few things done today, business and private. But I've been very sleepy too. I felt almost too exhausted to make my supper, tho having got up late it was only my second meal and relatively early. I did push through with it in stages - first using ingredients I didn't have to cook to take the edge off my hunger, then washing the dishes, especially saucepans, then cooking.

I sat down and thought concretely aabout what could be causing the exhaustion - 3 different possibilities and it could be all of them. For two of them I could use EFT to help, but I went and had a nap instead. Often the thought of EFT exhausts me as well, though that's possibly one of those Protector parts people have been writing about. Well, when I'm ready I'll do the EFT I guess.

When I came back on my computer and checked my email just before coming here, I was heartened to have received 3 emails: one is from the Town who is in the middle of setting up a website for local businesses to register on, detailing their products and services and how they can be reached during this state of semi-lockdown. I wasn't sure for a complicated but semi-legitimate reason if my business would get included, but the email stated that my entry has been approved :) :cheer: The fact that it has gave me a little burst of energy again, more impetus to keep going. Two other small businesses I approached, who are both doing necessary work for me atm, have responded and things can go ahead as planned. So that gave me a spurt of energy too.

So far my students are not responding much to my offer of phone/email lessons, but that gives me time to set up things up better, especially my out-of-date computer equipment, e.g. making video-conferencing or something like that possible. Atm my set-up isn't up-to-date enough to handle my therapy appointment or Skype lessons. One student has definitely turned down for the duration of semi-lockdown, but otoh I'm already working with one. It's 'different', something to get used to. That could be one additional reason why I'm tired.

Just had a really good T session by phone :cheer: Easier for me and my T than for some undoubtedly because as he said we've been working together for a long time.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

as far as i'm concerned, if this illness brings about anything at all that's positive, i'm glad you're able to take advantage of it!

love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
That is great that you've had a really good T session by phone.   :cheer:
Sending you a hug, and hope you're ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you both, san and Hope and  :hug: :hug: to you too.

_________________
I had on my list for today to feel into what I needed after therapy, i.e. don't just dive into something or other. So after writing some things down and then sitting in the kitchen in the sun drinking my tea, I knew what I needed:  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: So that's what I did.

While writing things down I also continued with the breathing exercise I had been doing in the T session, which helped me recall the T session itself better so I could write more down. That's all in my paper Journal. I have the breathing exercise for homework, so I've already practised once now too :cheer:

My T agrees that the dream I had about FOO (I wrote it on the CSA board) is a huge step forward. It means that we'll be able to start working on the CSA itself via Screen Processing, but that we should wait till I'm able to go back to his office for that. Certainly not possible just by phone, but also not ideal Skype or similar either. My T explained that up until now, working on the CSA wouldn't have worked because I would just dissociate. It could be that others on here worked on their trauma inspite of massively dissociating, but I've been there, done that with disastrous results too often now in therapy, so my T is very careful in those kinds of ways with me.

At the end of the session I talked briefly about the FOO emails I have received since the coronavirus turned everything a bit crazy. I realised quite a lot of things most of which I can't write down yet, but one thing: those emails are  :hoovering:  :hoovering:     FOO is knowingly or not trying to :hoovering: me back in.  :no: :no: :no: I'm not falling for that anymore.

well done on the insights and realizations, blueberry! :thumbup:

i've been doing phone sessions w/ my t for several weeks now.  we'd just begun getting into the emdr phase when this virus hit and i decided to isolate myself, not go into the office.  lately, the office has closed, so it was a good decision.  it does make some of the processing more difficult, for sure, but it's still at least stabilizing for me, so that's a good thing.  i hope you're getting some positivity at least in being able to stay in touch with your t by phone.

i think it's great that you had a breakthrough dream.  i've had several of those over the years, and it really has made processing the issues behind them easier to focus on.   keep going, my dear - you're truly making a lot of progress.  love and hugs :hug:

Glad your phone session went well.
Good job not being sucked in by FOO.
You're doing a good job of knowing what you need and doing the best that you can to take care of yourself.

Thanks so much for your validations, san and notalone!  :hug: :hug:

My activities haven't been too beneficial in the past few days, not since Saturday. I picked myself up again today, a bit at least, but I'm still running away from potentially beneficial activities  :rundog: :rundog: especially running away from doing my T homework. I have T again by phone in less than 48 hrs. My T will ask me to feel into why I've been running away. I'm running away from feeling into any of that too.

Hi blueberry, just wanted to hop on and tell you that you are strong and your progress with your therapist is a lot. Sending you lots of good energy to help you.
I feel like many people are running away from things, because of the changes that take place everyday. I know I have been struggling a lot, and feel very helpless when faced with inner work or managing my symptoms these days. :)

Thank you marta for your kind words.

Quote from: Sceal on March 04, 2020, 10:25:10 PM
But it is writing down 1-5 things that either made me joyful or grateful during the day. It forces me to think about the more positive sides of the day.
And on particularly difficult days it can just be that I have X in my life. Or that I have running water in my tap that I can drink.

Exactly.

Quote from: Sceal on March 04, 2020, 10:25:10 PM
I have had a similar book to Blueberry that has helped me out from depressions and dark places. I just never stick with it for long enough for it to be a daily practice all year round :)

There was one year where I did it regularly enough for the greater part of the year for me to be able to reach for this healing tool again whenever I needed it. These days I might write an instance of joy or gratitude on here but idk I can't seem to continue with it. Though I do do things that bring me joy, some of the time. Since I do know what those things are, I suppose I can reach for some of them more easily than before I ever wrote my Little Book of Daily Joys.

I also think that any time spent on these more positive activities/thoughts is a helpful recovery tool, even if it's not daily or anything.

Actually my T didn't ask me to feel into why I've been running away, he asked instead what happened immediately before I had the urge to eat on Saturday. I did have the urge to eat and I knew at the time that I had a choice: I could eat or I could feel into what was going on. I chose the former and things went downhill after that.

So what happened before I had the urge to eat? One person from the farm turned down my offer of help, due to technical problems in the shape of only one phone. The problem "Nobody needs me. My skills are not needed." My T talked me through a slightly different method of EFT on the phone. It's a bit more complex than the one I learnt first. It cleared up most of the physical problems I had felt and even brought the benefit of me feeling taller too.

About my not having done any EFT the previous week, though I know I could have, he merely said that sometimes you need an impulse from somebody else to take the next step. He's said before he doesn't think it's helpful for me to self-harangue.

Somebody asked me yesterday if I was OK and I said I was, but actually I'm not. The first week or so of social distancing was good. Now it's depression with a capital D and self-care down round about zero.

In fact 2 people have turned down language-learning by phone, though the one from the farm has shown definite interest again. The other one has paid and is not even demanding her money back, she's just not coming to lessons now or maybe ever. I should be pleased about the money but 'should' isn't helpful. I realise it's not the money that's so important (tho again it really 'should' be), it's the in-person contact with the people I teach one-on-one and the impulse teaching them gives me to get up, make myself presentable and be there for them. Now I creep about with my hair unwashed, go back to bed and read and then fall asleep. I know I could have done more EFT today, but I didn't.

hey, blueberry,

what's going on right now is wreaking havoc with everyone, especially those of us w/ underlying issues.  being social animals, it's really difficult to cut ourselves out of that and feel good about it.

i agree with your t about sometimes we need a gentle push from someone else, whether it's a perspective, perception, a word, a gesture - whatever.  it may be something we've seen or heard a million times, but at that particular moment it can resonate like it never has before.  please, be gentle with yourself.  just get thru today, and know you're doing your best.

hang tough, ok?   we're getting thru this together, as trite as that might sound.  it isn't easy, for sure.  sorry about your clients not showing up.  this is a nightmare.  love and hugs  :grouphug:

Thanks san, for your words of comfort.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
______________________________________________

I think I'm just going to have a rant, probably at myself. I have all sorts of crazy ideas atm. Of course you can read that European countries are short of fruit and veg pickers, or soon will be. Actually my country is going to bring in some from Eastern European countries after all. Nevertheless I - who can't work fast at all, am in semi-self-isolation because I get sick really easily - think: "I should volunteer!" and "I want to volunteer!" Yup :rundog: :rundog: :rundog: instead of doing my T homework such as rounds of EFT to counteract this 'need' to feel useful, 'need' to not feel like a burden on society. Oh and in my area of the country we're just getting over the winter, they're won't be anything to pick yet. "There" - took me about 5 minutes to find the mistake, though if a student had written it, I would have seen it.

I don't think there's a single solitary area of my apartment or office which is tidy. Now I know I managed to keep my office tidy because students and other possible clients came into it. Now next to nobody comes, except my computer guy this morning, so it looks like a disaster zone.

Atm I'm once again incapable of doing anything in any kind of orderly way, so I'm in severe need of doing some grounding. Do I? No, I go back to bed and read and doze.

For a long time, I was totally incapable of doing anything in any kind of orderly way. But suddenly after some stint of inpatient T, I got better at it. Suddenly. No practice involved. Anyway, you have to be able to work in an orderly way to pick fruit and veg. You can't skip around from one row or bush to another. btw, it helps for teaching too. I'm beginning to catch myself wondering "What is the point in teaching my students?" It's easier with the exam students, but all the adults - it's like :Idunno: :Idunno: but I think I'm just projecting that onto them.

Yesterday I allowed something bad to happen, something unhygienic. My alterations tailor neighbour was busily attempting to make little cloth face masks that people can wear around town. Somehow I allowed him to put one on me to try for size. The problem was: he wasn't wearing any gloves, he hadn't washed his hands or anything. He just put his fingers into it to press the centre outwards. I feel totally dissociated now, I have no idea how I allowed that to happen w/o objecting about lack of hygiene. Instead I put the cloth mask on? Or was it put on me? (I can't remember) and didn't breathe again till I removed it myself. Then I remembered another child at school when I was fairly small prodding my ham and saying "Yuck! What is that?!?" and then I didn't eat it. I took it back home again and M tried to convince me that there was nothing wrong with it, but I couldn't eat it, I just couldn't. M. was rather perplexed but didn't pursue the issue.

In the ham case, it happened so unexpectedly and so fast, i couldn't stop it. But with the face mask? There would have been time to stop it, there would have been time to say 'No'. But I didn't. The only beneficial step I can see here is that I wrote it down.

 :hug: :hug: :hug: and a warm virtual embrace, just gathering you in till you get your feet back on the ground. :bighug:  much love to you, too.

Thank you san  :hug: :hug:

Sending you a hug Blueberry  :hug:
Hope  :)

Blueberry, I wish I could cover you with my weighted blanket to help bring some calm to you. Would it help to take deep breaths? I am taking five with you right now:
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE

:grouphug:

Thank you notalone and everybody else. I made myself go out for a cycle. Then I went into the garden for a little. There are new neighbours from the next door house - we share a garden. They want to do a lot of clean-up, which is certainly a very good idea, and sow some grass again. But I have to practise letting go too, letting go all those flowers dotted about here and there in the remains of the lawn. Maybe I should even allow them to re-do my bit of 'lawn' because it's pretty tattered and full of moss? Or borrow their tools to do it myself? Because then the whole place would look uniformly green

Of course when you cycle, you breathe automatically ;D

I'm lucky, I have somebody checking up on me by phone, persuading me to go outside and that I need to be outside in the spring sunshine and fresh air to come through this covid semi-lockdown in one piece.

i'm glad you have someone checking in with you, too.  wonderful.  love and hugs :hug:

Letting go can be a really difficult thing to do. Perhaps letting go of your flowers and cleaning up your garden will be a good practice for letting go of harder things later?  Maybe you'll find new flowers popping up once things are cleared and the soil been worked through?

Good to hear that you've enjoyed your bikeride and that you manage to go outside.

Today I managed to get up earlyish by my standards even though I felt :fallingbricks: and I had a helpful telephone appt with my GP. He's not giving up his medical practice after all, so for that I'm really grateful :) :) On top of everything else, I don't have to look for a new one, in a region where tons of older docs are retiring and not enough younger ones are setting up.

Now I just feel :stars: :stars:  The garden is kind of a contentious issue. Unfortunately the ll don't help. The ll in next door house told me when they were selling our house that next to nobody in that house would want to use the garden anyway. They helpfully put the garden into the rental agreements though and told their new business owner next to nobody uses the garden and so she could take her knitting groups into the garden. Obviously we need a group discussion but the idea of that totally triggers me because I go back to FOO discussions where I always came off worst and even over the last years to do with the garden where I'm the only one and I really mean the only one who has ever been pressured to move bits of bed around. Time somebody else did!!

But undoubtedly it's to do with my lack of assertiveness that this happens rather than because I need to let go more. In my head I'm practising letting things go that grow in the 'lawn' rather than in my beds. Anyway I'm just ranting again, it's difficult to understand if you don't know our garden set-up and property boundaries and stuff.

I'm doing better today in general than I was yesterday. Little things have helped me. I washed my office windows and finally put a poster up (about covid) that was meant to go up last week. I managed to tidy up a little, in my apartment too. I also put better clothes on, office work clothes, or as much as I ever do. I also started washing the dishes, managed to prepare my lesson in advance and then teach by phone. But I could have tried some of those things yesterday (e.g. the more respectable clothes) and it still wouldn't have (or in the case of the clothes didn't) make any difference. So in retrospect, it sounds to me like a bit of an EF.

Today I'm back to reminding myself that it's quite OK if I don't get any new students in the next weeks because semi-isolation and doing my part and my best to not spread anything around is most important. Even if a missive from FOO seemed to remind me I 'should' be getting my act together to get financial support somewhere else. FOO not knowing or caring that those types of messages just pile on the pressure and don't help at all.

I've been avoiding the garden for the most part today, though I did sit out twice with my mug of tea while having a break from computer work. But mostly it's good for me and my peace of mind to let the new neighbours work in the parts of the garden where we discussed. I was really pleasantly surprised that they want to leave some shrubs along a fence to create some privacy and that instead of cutting a rose down, they dug it out and re-planted it in what seems a better place. I think that's all cool :thumbup:

In other places I think it's a shame they're removing a blue flowering plant which is very attractive to bees and which I think is really pretty too, but otoh it does tend to spread rather. So this is something I'm practising letting go. It's a pity but it's OK. They've agreed though that my beds, which border part of their bit, can stay as they are. They're not expecting me to clear them up to their standards of perfection within the next 10 days or in fact ever. So it was good I spoke up about that. I've also thanked them for taking on some of the garden work and they realised through talking to me that getting along in a shared garden is not quite as easy as you might think, that it's important to talk about wants, needs, expectations. So I am feeling better about all that.

Yesterday I had a chat to a friend I hadn't spoken to in a while, another friend phoned me, and then of course I spoke to  3 different neighbours, and had a helpful phone appointment with my GP. It seemed all that helped me get moving on things today or rather helped me out of my EF-y state.

Yesterday evening I finally did some T homework since T appt this morning. It was helpful to have tried it out because then I could tell my T this morning how the homework helped and in what ways it was difficult. These difficult aspects are certainly part of what leads me to shy away from doing the homework. I'm meant to do 3 rounds of the exercise, I only did 2 but that really helped as well because at least I was able to go to sleep right away afterwards.  :thumbup:

congrats on doing 2 out of 3 parts of your T homework, blueberry.  well done! :thumbup:  plus, i'm glad it was helpful as well.

talking about your neighbors and the garden just shows one more example of why communication is so important.  even about gardens, sharing space, the why's and wherefores of what's being done or not.  i'm glad you were able to talk to them.  it seems like it's working out well all the way around.  way to go, sweetie. :applause:  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
:cheer: that you did two out of three of your homework, and your neighbours sound like they are careful with the garden, which sounds like a positive thing. 

:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Thank you san and Hope.  :hug: :hug:

Well, it's certainly a learning experience with the garden, a learning experience for me in better communication, though I do note I tend to revert to unhealthy methods of communication, like bad-mouthing the neighbour who tends to spread and spread into others' areas and pretend she didn't know. At least I'm aware of it though now, so I can work on stopping that. I probably need to do a round or two of eFT on that, accepting myself inspite of it. And it's certainly a learning experience for me in not giving in and giving up part of my area because it sounds as if somebody possibly thinks I should, before anybody has even directly asked if I would. Even if they asked, I could still explain my point of view and then try for a compromise. I wouldn't have to just acquiesce the way I learned in FOO. I feel a bit embarrassed about beginning to recognise and do these kinds of things so late in life, but otoh I do know that it was FOO emotional, verbal, psychological abuse that got me in this state and progressing is part of trauma recovery, it's not something I can learn in a weekend seminar on communication skills. Because that's pretty much all cognitive and I need a feeling of security in order to make changes on an emotional level.

Friday, Sun, and Monday are all statutory holidays here, so when I'm not following church services on YouTube ;)  I have lots of time for practising the therapy methods of today and last week and of course practising them on topics of the moment. I feel better able to do that firstly because of the T session today and secondly because I did a little yesterday evening sitting up on my bed and that seemed to be a good place for me (!) though I'm sure most people wouldn't recommend it. But otherwise I tend to find something else to do in another part of my apartment and/or I can't just sit down and do my therapy exercises, I can't sit still and concentrate. 

My T suggested I use an adaptation of Screen Processing to ease my contact to my little niece and god-daughter, who has been on my mind again for a particular reason. I can understand why this method will probably bring me clarity, especially emotional clarity as opposed to "What should I do now?" and also particularly give me strength.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 09, 2020, 07:17:57 PM
though I do note I tend to revert to unhealthy methods of communication, like bad-mouthing the neighbour who tends to spread and spread into others' areas and pretend she didn't know. At least I'm aware of it though now, so I can work on stopping that. I probably need to do a round or two of eFT on that, accepting myself inspite of it.

Once again, I did my EFT in bed at night, in fact lying there instead of sitting since I was using the method familiar to me and not the more complex method my T has been teaching me the past two times. I yawned a lot and then fell asleep, feeling more at peace with my failings.

In the night I dreamt I was having a phone conversation with B2. The call was going the usual FOO way of accusing me of using the wrong words so that there was a misunderstanding and that I should have used different words and then B2 going off on some tangent accusing me of not having a proper job and not trying to get one and then me explaining that no, I'm not lazy, no, I'm not even unemployed, I'm just too unwell to work enough hours regularly to earn my keep. So there was me in full swing again, JADEing away (JADE=Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Of course B2 continued on in measured tones and I had the impulse to put the phone down. I had to really gather my courage so I ended up listening to some more of his measured tones but finally I managed to simply put the phone down, ending the conversation and protecting myself.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

In some ways that was continuing work started in my T session, though processing it in a different way from in T. Partially B2 is in my mind because it's my little niece's birthday today and I do aim to contact her via B2's email. Writing that shows me now how important it is for me to do the exercise similar to Screen Processing that my T suggested yesterday.

I did my Screen Processing and went onto send a message to my niece.

The response which came today is so typical, it's laughable. I received the email with Easter pics sent to FOO mbrs and the other non-FOO godparents. Yes, of course I like to get photos of my nieces especially my god-daughter, but I only get them as a 'reward' for having functioned (or something like that) and as acknowledgement that I sent my god-daughter something, I don't get them as I had asked in order to help me maintain some contact and relationship with my god-daughter.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 12, 2020, 09:50:13 PM
The response which came today is so typical, it's laughable.

I think I meant more 'predictable' than 'typical', sort of anyway. The Screen Processing helped me not just with the email I wrote but also aftermath. I'm more distanced, I'm not running my email through my mind wondering if a word was wrong or stupid or... or even wondering what B and SIL made of it, thought about it.

_______________________________________
I'm making progress again in the building I live in. The topic I mention here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11765.msg99702#msg99702 - there was progress in that! I had the courage and strength to phone my neighbour again and then instead of giving in or humming and hawing, I threatened him right away with complaining to our ll if he didn't come and close his window on the ground floor (level with the ground). Further progress: I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed or in the wrong. Other times I used to know cognitively that I certainly had a point, but I could only feel wrong. Last year with the mice problem, it took me a few weeks to threaten I'd report to the ll. I wish I didn't have to make such threats, but they do seem to work :bigwink: Talking to my ll might not have worked though, but I didn't have to. 

Yesterday a spot more progress - one neighbour of mine is not very good with boundaries putting it mildly. She doesn't accept other people's. She spreads and spreads in the shared garden, in the shared basement and including into places she is not allowed such as the toilet for the businesses. I have told her (and any of her visiting FOO mbrs) that they aren't allowed to use it, but she doesn't care and her mother even gets really angry and tells me off. It may sound picky to some, but a business toilet has to be kept clean, and toilet paper and cleaning supplies provided. My business doesn't generate a lot of money - it's a struggle for me. And cleaning triggers me and exhausts me and I really object to somebody just going ahead and using space that is only for me and the other business especially when this somebody just takes it for granted and never, ever provides a package of toilet paper or offers to clean. And now with covid, I don't want to share more areas than I need to with other people, and places I do have to share I'm cleaning more often than I ever have done before and disinfecting as well. Afaik, I'm the only one in the bldg cleaning and disinfecting light switches, door handles etc in shared areas like basement and stair well. It shouldn't be that way. Maybe I'll have the strength to tackle that as well in the next few days and ask at least one person if he could do some handyman chore and block up some holes to help keep pest rodents out of the bldg.

Yesterday 3 of her FOO mbrs turned up to help her with her garden space. I spoke to one of them, with whom I can exchange a word w/o both of us getting an allergic reaction, saying that none of their family are actually allowed to use the toilet anyway but especially during covid19 - please keep out! I saw though that one of them had used it, possibly before I spoke to the family mbr, but to me it doesn't matter because the mother and daughter know, I've said it often enough, they just don't care. So seeing that one of them had used it, I stuck a large hand-written note on yellow paper on the toilet door forbidding anybody other than the 2 businesses in the building to use it. That's something I've thought about doing before but always get myself in check in case I look "ridiculous" and as I write that I have an image of B1 in my head. Yup, he's one mbr of my FOO who ridiculed and mocked me for my attempts to protect myself, my boundaries, my things, my space, my time, my dignity.

So, I was working in the garden yesterday too and overheard some of the family of the spread-all-over-the-garden neighbour sighing loudly when they went into the basement, probably because they read my sign. Then I knew another reason why it had been so difficult for me up till yesterday. These sorts of loud sighs were made my M, F and B1 when I defended myself (unless they went straight to hitting, yelling, ridiculing etc instead). Those sighs expressed all sorts of things about me, none of it good, none of it accepting me or my pov or anything like that and those sighs expressed impatience towards me and other things undoubtedly that I don't even want to feel into rn. I remember now M, F and B1 would also say loudly "Oh no, here we go again!" As if they never repeated themselves. And anyway, I brought whatever up again because it hadn't been addressed, it hadn't been dealt with - I had just been made to shut up and the situation was continuing. So this neighbour and her family were sighing in a similar way, and I'm pretty sure for a similar reason. I know from T now that exhaling helps express anger, helps get anger out of your system though I'm learning to use it when I'm processing anger rather than in dialogue with somebody.

The situation would also have been a bit triggering yesterday because it would have reminded me (on some subconscious level) of all FOO mbrs ganging up on me behind my back to say how ridiculous and difficult I was and make snide remarks. In that way it was an outlet for aggression instead of keeping it to themselves or maybe just finally accepting my boundary, which applies to my neighbour and my own FOO.

Next time the tailor neighbour comes (he only comes to the bldg atm if a customer phones him), he'll probably complain too or say that others can use the business toilet, he will allow them to. Well, then - sigh - I'll need a show-down with him as well because the law is on my side. One party can't alter a rental agreement without the other party agreeing, otherwise it's status quo: the toilet is for the businesses only as stated in the business rental agreements.

hey, blueberry,

just want to say well done on all the work you've been doing, all the processing going on, and all the progress you've made.  fabulous! :thumbup:

stuff like the sighs you mentioned, ack!  that's so passive aggressive, so manipulative.  poo on them!  actually, the poo would probably be good for the garden, do more good there than on them, but still . . .   i hate those kinds of games.

i'm also glad your screen processing has helped w/ those mind games after the fact with that email.  i've gone thru that so many times, and it's just no good for anything!  sending much love, my dear, and a hug filled w/ rest after all you've been doing (including the neighbor!   :applause:  that was great! )   :hug:

Thanks san :) :hug:

_________________________
This morning I feel just so sick of all this! The garden-spreader has extended her garden bit again and unfortunately I can't just shrug and let it go because I have long experience of other people in my building and the neighbouring one simply moving into my bit. Not necessarily to garden (though that has happened too), but set up a table and chairs and do things the way I wouldn't e.g throwing cigarette stubs on the grass or pouring beer out, allowing a visitor's dog to run around and poo on my bit, or clean the paint brush on my grass etc etc. Although my grass looks not especially lawn-like so people might assume it doesn't matter (though they could ask), there's a fair scattering of wild flowers and wild herbs in it, some of which I eat and others of which I just like to see, or quite often I pick a few flowers and put them in my office or apartment. The mother of the garden-spreader, who seems to be the real boss and driver in that apartment though she lives in a totally different town and has her own large garden there, told me last year that only ll can prevent her extending her garden bit, it's none of anybody else's business.  The ll for that bit of the garden she is in is actually the ll for the neighbouring house, tho he was our ll for a few years too. I am gearing up to contact him about it, since he is apparently the only one who is permitted to stop the garden-spreaders, though generally the lls like to keep out of that kind of discussion and leave it to us tenants.

As I was writing I realised not for the first time how reminiscent it all is of FOO, though I recognised it on a deeper level now.

People who don't know the situation here will suggest I up sticks and move but I know that would entail a whole bunch of other problems, not least of which is finding any apartment of similar price, far less one of my size with a garden, with an inside spot for my bike and centrally-located (important if you don't have a car). There is a dirth of low-price rental accommodation in my town and neighbouring towns. There are other problems too, including having the energy to move at all. I know my friends here would say "Please stay where you are!" A fence or other barrier is not really the answer for a number of reasons I won't go into. And although it is strenuous and I'm sick of it this morning, I am making progress in negotiating and in sticking up for myself.

yes, you definitely are making progress, especially with sticking up for yourself.  and what a huge realization about the similarity between neighbors and foo - i was able to see disrespect (both in general and in particular of your boundaries), dismissing you, as if you have less rights than they do, and acting in a demeaning manner toward you - really? they don't even have the manners to clean up after their own dog?  ugh! 

even the idea of you moving never came to my mind - i've moved too many times in my life, i know what a hassle it is from start to finish.  i just hope you'll be able to claim your space, and may i say, if i were there, i'd tell those neighbors to BACK OFF!  (i don't want to take any of your power away, but i'm mad  :pissed: that they're acting in such a crummy fashion toward you and your space.)

standing right beside you with this, my dear.  i really don't like uncaring, slobby people like that.   :no:   love and hugs :hug:

QuoteI am making progress in negotiating and in sticking up for myself.

You are! This stands out to me from everything you've written recently. :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on April 15, 2020, 07:34:15 AM
As I was writing I realised not for the first time how reminiscent it all is of FOO, though I recognised it on a deeper level now.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 15, 2020, 07:34:15 AM
I am making progress in negotiating and in sticking up for myself.

A difficult situation multiplied many times because of your FOO. I applaud your insights and progress.  :applause:

Thank you san, Snowdrop and notalone so so much for your caring words and validation. It really means a lot and really helps me as well.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 15, 2020, 03:47:49 PM
and what a huge realization about the similarity between neighbors and foo - i was able to see disrespect (both in general and in particular of your boundaries), dismissing you, as if you have less rights than they do, and acting in a demeaning manner toward you - really? they don't even have the manners to clean up after their own dog?  ugh! 

san, thank you so much for listing what you see. It's often hard for me to name how people are acting towards me. It's a bit like either I can feel it or I can say what happened in a huge, long story (sometimes I can do both of those now together) but I can't pinpoint it the way you do there: disrespect, demeaning, dismissing. As if those concepts are missing for me somehow.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 15, 2020, 03:47:49 PM
even the idea of you moving never came to my mind - i've moved too many times in my life, i know what a hassle it is from start to finish. 

Thank you for saying that! If I were to attempt to move, it would probably be so difficult for me, I wouldn't be able to do any paid work for a number of months. I do know myself and my limitations pretty well.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 15, 2020, 03:47:49 PM
may i say, if i were there, i'd tell those neighbors to BACK OFF!  (i don't want to take any of your power away, but i'm mad  :pissed: that they're acting in such a crummy fashion toward you and your space.)

It helps me that you say that! :thumbup: :thumbup: I really wish an ll would do that! My current ll told me to back off when I was trying to get him to re-install my wooden shutters he had taken off. He threatened me that he'd become difficult if I continued being 'difficult'. As I write that, I realise once again - that's so like FOO. Another mbr on OOTF commented on how my parents behaved when I began to ignore B1 completely because it was the only way left to me to show that I objected to his treatment of me (included PA when I was in my late teens) that it was 'interesting parenting'. I showed a healthy boundary (objecting to abuse) and my parents took B1's side and ganged up on me. This is sort of what goes on here too.

My parents were always going on about me being 'difficult'. It often simply meant that I was defending myself. Sometimes I might have been crying or also being argumentative, but FOO was very argumentative - that's where I learnt it! :pissed: It was the only way to exist in FOO :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

I end up thinking that there must be something wrong with me if I always end up having disagreements with people in this building or the neighbouring one (who use the garden). Though probably the only thing I do wrong is exude an air of "Hello Narcs, I can't defend myself, so go ahead and make my life difficult. Please trample all over my boundaries!" If I'm doing that, it's part of cptsd, so not a 'character fault' or personality deficit. It's not on me!

Hi Blueberry,
I really hope that your space can be preserved and your feelings and rights to enjoy your space be valued.  For some reason, I keep thinking about that beautiful blue or purple plant you mentioned - I'm going by memory here, but I think you mentioned one that attracts bees etc, and how the neighbours had decided to remove it, and I felt some anger towards them for doing that - wanted to share that thought/reflection with you. 

:hug: to you Blueberry.
Hope  :)

I have now started a new Journal, but I'll probably come back here and respond to a few posts another day.  :)