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Development of CPTSD in Childhood => Causes => Sexual Abuse => Topic started by: notalone on July 21, 2019, 06:21:21 PM

Title: NOT Spiraling
Post by: notalone on July 21, 2019, 06:21:21 PM
I had a flashback on Wednesday. It wasn't a "bad" memory. If someone didn't have context and heard the story, they might even think it was cute. But it was about my grandfather, which makes it horrific for me, even though it was not an incident of abuse. The scene has replayed in my mind at night. This morning I was struggling with it, I think because I see my T tomorrow, so it is very present in my mind. I used various tools, including Walker's steps for amygdala hijacking (EF). It helped.

Then I went to church. The Bible passage that the message was based on was a passage that is very triggering for me. (I won't go into details about why it is a trigger.) I left after a few minutes. I think leaving was a good decision.

So now I have my weighted blanket over me and will watch something on T.V. I think even three weeks ago those things would have sent me spiraling into a full amygdala hijacking. So I will keep using tools and try to keep my head above the waves. If I do go under----I will try not to beat myself up. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I am so grateful that I am not on this journey alone and that my friends on OOTS are part of my support team.
Title: Re: NOT Spiraling
Post by: Tee on July 21, 2019, 06:40:00 PM
 :hug: here with you hope you found a light hearted show to watch to help distract.  ☕️ Brought a cup of you like. Gentle hug :hug: you can do it.
Title: Re: NOT Spiraling
Post by: woodsgnome on July 21, 2019, 07:36:24 PM
Hey, Notalone ... if it's alright, another gentle  :hug: for you.

Sometimes EFs are so close at hand, it can seem like all the walls are closing in, both in reaction to the ones we encounter (usually unexpectedly), and then the fear that there's so many out there, etc. That paranoid feeling.

This speaks to the ultra-sensitivity I've also felt strongly. And even been ashamed of; when in fact I think it's a rare strength that I know I've been able to draw on, sometimes even to get past those ef points down the road.

I found a poem a couple of years ago that greatly inspired me to regard this sensitivity as a gift. If you wish to look it up, it's accessible at the following link:

Hope your T session goes well for you.

Title: Re: NOT Spiraling
Post by: Bach on July 21, 2019, 08:07:31 PM
notalone, I am glad you've been able to withstand those feelings and not spiral.  It's such a battle and so exhausting.  I think it's great that you are doing your best to stay on an even keel while also making room for yourself to not be perfect.  All my kind wishes that things will soon get a little easier for you, and here's another gentle hug if you want it :hug:
Title: Re: NOT Spiraling
Post by: MoonBeam on July 22, 2019, 01:33:43 AM
Hey notalone. Thinking of you, wanted you to know. Also, I think you are doing an amazing job of allowing. Allowing the hurt parts of you to be triggered and the parts that are able to step up and take care of you do that. Really good job leaving a situation that didn't feel safe in the moment.  Hang in.  :hug:
Title: Re: NOT Spiraling
Post by: notalone on July 22, 2019, 10:16:44 PM
Tee, thank you for the hug and the cup of coffee. T.V. was partly distracting. My sports team lost.  :doh:

Woodsgnome, love the poem you sent. Thank you for sharing it. I could relate to all of it, but the end stood out to me.
"Sensitive ones,
Bring some gentleness into this weary world!
Shine on with courageous sensitivity!
You are the light bearers!'"

Appreciate your gentle hug.

Bach, it is exhausting. Took a nap today after therapy. I always find it very tiring. Thanks for acknowledging "making room for myself not to be perfect." That is a challenge for me. Also appreciate your hug.

MoonBeam, Thank you for your hug and encouraging words.

My therapy session went well. My T said it was good that I left church (triggering situation). Felt good to be affirmed in that. He also really understood why my flashback was disturbing to me. It was good to be heard and profoundly understood.
Title: Re: NOT Spiraling
Post by: Tee on July 22, 2019, 10:34:28 PM
Glad you therapy went well. Hope your day is going better too. :hug:
Title: Re: NOT Spiraling
Post by: Rainstorm11 on July 28, 2019, 09:45:23 PM
Proud that you left and are using your skills. Great job! Glad you are able to cope with triggers. It's a long road I know but we're still on it.