I don't actually know whether I am a real person. All of my feelings seem so fake. Because I find it so hard to know what I feel about anything. Of course I have moments of excitement. It really seems like I am a facsimile. This been going on all of my adult life. I am also drinking myself into an early grave. I have a past of : a mother who suffered a nervous breakdown, which developed into paranoid schizophrenia. That day was really crap and frightening at 7 years old. One day that I hate to talk about 2 weeks after the breakdown. One day when she said go to your grandparents (across our town, way off in the 70's) So I did that. And came back to find her unresponsive. Suicide day. Called the ambulance, police etc. Too late
Father did his best. Eventually met a new person. Except they were a vile nasty horrible violent abusive awful person. This went on for years. I don't want to seem like a moaner or a weak person, but I have been struggling with this all of my life since then. The abuse certainly made life a * of a lot worse. I'm sorry if this is a crap introduce post, but its the best I can do. I joined this group to hopefully find some kindred spirits
And I guess this is the only place in the whole world where I could say any of this. Don't want to seem like a moaner, but I am really struggling.
:wave: welcome Bloatis.
Hi, Bloatis ...
Yours was not in any way a 'crap' intro post. Being totally honest about our experiences is a strength of this website and forum. Most on here have been through too much not to give ourselves a chance with people who can empathize with the feelings you describe.
What you wrote indicates you're more than ready for some hope as you try to get your life back together. This doesn't make you a 'moanier' ... but a strong abuse survivor seeking compassion and understanding.
So please take care -- here you're among friends who know how bleak life can get, and how it's at least one step ahead to finally feel safe about sharing, hard as it is.
Yours was most certainly NOT a crap post! It was honest, and you're struggling, and this is a place where we can be heard. (and just my opinion - your post didn't need a trigger warning.)
We've been told not to talk about our pain by our abusers. The secrecy kept them safe. You get to talk about whatever you need to, here. The feeling that you have that you're moaning comes from having your feelings dismissed and your pain minimized.
There is even a term we have for that feeling of not being a real person - "depersonalization", and there's also "derealization". Here's a link to our Glossary so you can read about them if you want - https://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/
I'm glad you found us and really glad that you're beginning to open up. You'll find a community of people who've been thru what you have, and can understand your pain and talk about it with you. :hug: :hug:
I have tears in my eyes over the horrible things you have experienced. Not a "crap introduction" at all. You are very welcome here.
Quote from: Bloatis on July 21, 2019, 11:40:24 PM
I don't actually know whether I am a real person. All of my feelings seem so fake. Because I find it so hard to know what I feel about anything. Of course I have moments of excitement. It really seems like I am a facsimile. This been going on all of my adult life. I am also drinking myself into an early grave. I have a past of : a mother who suffered a nervous breakdown, which developed into paranoid schizophrenia. That day was really crap and frightening at 7 years old. One day that I hate to talk about 2 weeks after the breakdown. One day when she said go to your grandparents (across our town, way off in the 70's) So I did that. And came back to find her unresponsive. Suicide day. Called the ambulance, police etc. Too late
Father did his best. Eventually met a new person. Except they were a vile nasty horrible violent abusive awful person. This went on for years. I don't want to seem like a moaner or a weak person, but I have been struggling with this all of my life since then. The abuse certainly made life a * of a lot worse. I'm sorry if this is a crap introduce post, but its the best I can do. I joined this group to hopefully find some kindred spirits
Hello Bloatis,
There is nothing crap about your post a lot. You have been through SO much and deserve to be heard. I'm new around here too, still figuring my way around the site but I read your post and just had to comment - I want you to know that I could see your pain and difficulties from your post. I hope you continue to write more - I will pop back and read whenever you may decide to. Sending you hugs :hug:
Tears. I was scared to even look back on this forum, after writing down stuff that I have never in my life told people. Thank you all. I think I will find it difficult still to talk with people on here, but at least it may be a possibility. Very kind of you all
No problem, Bloatis. We're glad you're here, just move at your own pace. Pushing your limits can lead to re-injury and set backs. It took me a looooong time to write an honest, vulnerable post. Hang in there! :applause:
I'm glad you came back. We are here to support each other. :grouphug:
One thing I will have to note, and it's important to me at least. My very first post, I was drinking heavily, which allowed me to write it I guess (some people will know how that goes)
I misrepresented something. And I want to get it right. The suicide day did not come two weeks after the breakdown. It was about (i'm not totally sure) a couple of years. 1976 for definite, whereas the nervous breakdown that led to the paranoid schizophrenia was I guess 1974.
I have no way of knowing that date/year short of asking my father, and I'm not going to do that. I am so sorry, but these things matter to me.
Nothing to be sorry about! We're all about letting people tell their stories the way they want to tell them. :yes:
Actually feel sick as a dog, but everyone has been so accepting of me, and my miserable crap. Thank you, and I'm actually able to cry a bit.
I don't think it's crap. It's pain. It's okay to say that here. :hug:
I do actually wonder if crying is actually a good useful thing to do, after I have been bottling everything up since then. No idea if it is admitting weakness. I don't know.
My T always says that it's good to let it out. It's very triggering for me and hard to do. It has happened a few times in therapy though. :Idunno: :hug:
Even if crying were admitting weakness (which I don't think it is), judging it as good/bad/indifferent I think can miss the mark -- that there was/is something that felt overwhelming, and a natural form of release -- crying -- can result; whether it was wanted or not, judged as a flaw or not, it seems built into the human system.
Accepting this goes against many taboos, though. But once the pressure builds, and if a good cry ensues, there's nothing wrong with that. The flip is that sometimes even what seems incredibly hard to bear doesn't result in tears,for a variety of reasons.
I was numb and afraid of every sort of emotion, including crying. Finally at a small but intense workshop the tears just burst; I never thought I could cry like that. While that didn't 'fix' anything, it diminished my fear of allowing my deepest emotions to be expressed. Mind you, I was in a situation where I'd learned to trust that I wouldn't be shunned for it.
Still, it provided enough cathartic relief to not consider it a weakness anymore. I still don't cry a lot; though admittedly it seems sometimes tears are close at hand, which to me just indicates I do indeed have pain and sorrow working in my system.
And it's alright to feel that way, it's not shameful or out of sorts to do so. And perhaps, instead of weakness, it only shows that there's a residue of strength, no matter how it shows. Maybe I'm foolish for feeling that way, but more important is accepting it as a sign that I can turn my emotional mess around, starting with self-acceptance.
I hope you can start turning the corner with some of the deep pain that is evident in your posts. :hug:
Hi. I am new, too. I am sorry for your abuse and glad that you're taking a brave step to reach out.