Borrowing this idea from Blueberry, I want to use this journal as a place to plan and recognise myself for my practical daily-life efforts, separate from the place where I need to thrash out all my mental turmoil.
:thumbup: you can do it!
Quote from: Bach on July 25, 2019, 08:14:17 PM
Borrowing this idea from Blueberry, I want to use this journal as a place to plan and recognise myself for my practical daily-life efforts, separate from the place where I need to thrash out all my mental turmoil.
:thumbup:
Nice description of the two types of journals too :)
i think it's great that you're separating the two for you. best with all your actions and achievements that are on the horizon. :yes:
sending love and a hug filled w/ encouragement.
:thumbup:
Tee, Blueberry, sanmagic7 and notalone, thank you for the support. It really does help! :grouphug:
Today I made a couple of business calls that I'd been putting off. I also met my steps goal after two days of missing it. I took all my supplements (I think? I'm pretty sure. I'll take a magnesium drink at bedtime just in case). I started this journal. I made some efforts towards doing some other constructive things that I wasn't able to complete, but that was for reasons that weren't really in my control, and I can attempt them again tomorrow.
Oh, and of course therapy. Therapy is really hard lately and is always an accomplishment. Especially how I have been going at it. I have not been allowing any of the increased turmoil of recent weeks to scare me. I am tough, and I refuse to let feeling good about myself for that trigger me.
I have been wavering in self-care lately, today was not terrible in the eating department, and I bought junk food but did not binge, but I haven't been meditating every day, and doing that really helps me. I have a nice TV show to watch with My Person now, but I promise myself here that I will meditate for at least a few minutes before I go to bed tonight.
Sounds like a productive day. :applause:
:party: Well done!
:applause: :applause: :applause:
sounds great all the way around. i love how you are allowing yourself do-overs - i think those are important. nice job! :applause: love and hugs, bach
So much appreciation for the support, my friends :grouphug:
I fell down hard on the self-care job today, so I came here to set some intentions for making tomorrow better. Here they are:
Will eat all meals and take all supplements in a timely manner
Will meditate in the morning and at bedtime
Will wash my hair
Will make responsible food choices.
Will not overmedicate.
Will draw or paint, at least something small, without worrying about whether it's good.
Will find at least one thing either in my room or in the attic that I can throw away.
I can do it...
.
You're inspiring me....
Good luck Bach you can do it! :hug:
This morning has been interesting. I was feeling pretty relaxed and okay, fell into a discussion of anger and forgiveness in a Facebook post and felt good about my reasoned comments in that. I'm working on learning how to make my point concisely without falling into emotional language or working too hard to "make a case". Then I came here and looked at this list, said "Oh, that's a good, do-able list!" got up out of my chair to start on it, and proceeded to go make a bad choice. Then I got angry at myself over the bad choice, and bullied myself into going to do the constructive things I had meant to do. This is far from uncommon with me. Quite often I need to motivate myself to do something positive by doing something negative first, and then "making up for it". That's another thing to thrash out at some point, I guess, exactly what it is that gives me such difficulty with taking any kind of action unless motivated by someone else's need or my own self-disgust, but that's another "not today". Today has to be all about getting back on track with self-care.
3R, I'm glad that I'm inspiring you! It's encouraging, not in a weird pressured way of "Uh oh, now I have to fulfill expectations" but in a healthy way of "Bach, you are okay and are worthy of care". Thank you. And thank you for the cheers and hugs, Tee :hug: :sunny: It's so nice to feel a little safe being visible.
I did okay with my list yesterday. I did almost everything on it. I'm counting having a small but indulgent dessert as a "responsible food choice", and considering throwing out a few receipts and scrubbing the toilet bowl to suffice for the tidying part even though what I meant to do was get rid of an actual thing. I'm really having hoarder problems right now. I was on the cusp of overmedicating, but I think I'll give myself a win on that one, too, since I managed to cut down from the day before. The only thing I didn't do at all was draw or paint. Still trying to overcome the internal block that stops me from doing that.
Today was rough but I've managed it. I had another brutal therapy session this morning and at least raised the issue of my haircut problem. I'm surprised and dismayed at how huge a deal the haircut thing turns out to be, but that's true of pretty much everything lately. I never knew until recently just how much pain, fear and anxiety about how many things I've been sublimating with substitute problems like eating and drug issues. I've done reasonably well with self-care today, and did have one big win this morning. I was freaking out because of some very heavy thoughts I had from reading some threads here plus dreading therapy because yeah, it's good for me and I'm making progress but it is oh so painful, all seasoned with anxiety about needing a haircut and not having anyone safe to go to, and I almost allowed myself to leave the house without having eaten or taken my supplements. I came to my senses in time, and managed to serve both the need to leave the house and the need to eat and take supplements by finding something I could bring with me and have in the car in between my morning appointments. Way to fight against self-neglect!
Tomorrow's intentions:
Work out with strength trainer.
Continue with responsible self-care.
Deal with some mail and bills.
Put away the clothing I washed and folded last week.
Do something towards tackling the problem of finding a new person to cut my hair. I don't really know what at the moment, but something.
Write to my pen-pal.
Man, I wish I could think of some things to put on this list that would feel important and meaningful!
One time I told my therapist about a small step I was going to take, "but what good will it do?" He asked if I've ever been in a cave where they turn out all they lights. Yes, I have. It is so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face. A candle lit in total darkness casts a significant amount of light. My point is that everything on your list is important and meaningful. Each step, even baby steps, is a step forward.
Quote from: notalone on July 30, 2019, 03:29:14 AM
One time I told my therapist about a small step I was going to take, "but what good will it do?" He asked if I've ever been in a cave where they turn out all they lights. Yes, I have. It is so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face. A candle lit in total darkness casts a significant amount of light. My point is that everything on your list is important and meaningful. Each step, even baby steps, is a step forward.
:yeahthat:
In fact your list planned for tomorrow sounds quite a lot to me! My list sometimes consists of: get up, take meds, drink (water/tea), eat once and tidy or clean
anywhere. So that could just mean clear the dishes off the table and wipe the table. And then I see what I can manage on top, though that might just be dealing with an EF or something. Or colouring in or sitting in the sun or...
I'm really struggling right now. I did do all the things on my last list, though I'm a little confused about when. I guess that doesn't matter, because I did them, right? Also, I got my hair cut and it was successful. The woman was nice, did a good job, did exactly what I asked for, did not confuse me with suggestions about other things I could get done, did not try to sell me products, and did not make any comments about how amazing my hair is and how I should blah blah blah with it. So that's good. I hope she will still be there next time I need a haircut.
Today I have to go to the dentist to get a bridge for most of my upper jaw fitted. Because of childhood neglect I have had nearly constant horrifying painful and expensive dental problems during my life. I'm lucky that I'm in a position that I've been able to spend all this money to still have teeth, but at this point pretty much every dental visit is traumatic. I have a PRN scrip for Klonopin and I try not to take it very often, but I take it for that. Unfortunately, I am also currently dealing with a major civil war between the self-destructive part of me that knows that Mommy prefers me to have that sad, troubled, confused look on my face, and the strong, tenacious grown-up who is tired of being a traumatised child and wants to heal.
So, today's intention? Survive.
:hug: you can do it!
i think that's a great intention, bach. some days that is an awful lot to accomplish.
wishing you good luck at the dentist. i'm not a dentist fan, either. the only way i get thru it is to close my eyes and visualize myself getting up out of the chair when it's all over and walking out of the office. i do that over and over and eventually it becomes a reality. klonopin is another way to go. we've got to do what works for us.
take it easy on yourself, ok? i echo tee - you can do it. sending love and a hug filled w/ fairy dust to keep you occupied while you're sitting in that chair. :hug:
I'm glad you survived, and I'm glad you're here.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 01, 2019, 04:25:48 PM
i think that's a great intention, bach. some days that is an awful lot to accomplish.
:yeahthat:
Quote from: notalone on August 01, 2019, 07:10:35 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 01, 2019, 04:25:48 PM
i think that's a great intention, bach. some days that is an awful lot to accomplish.
:yeahthat:
:yeahthat: :hug:
I'm hurting a lot and having trouble even setting intentions, much less carrying them out. I need to find just one thing I can do above and beyond the daily basics that will feel like a self-affirming achievement. I'm not sure what that would be.
I think just looking for one thing is a good idea right now or maybe just the daily basics are a good enough goal for today. You know what is best for you.
I agree, sometimes just keeping going with the daily basics can be enough. Maybe followed by a trip to the Healing Porch? Or just knowing that you're hurting and accepting that? That can be a lot. :hug:
Sometimes the only thing on my to-do list is self care. Building stamina and energy for the next round. It's okay to go at a pace that you can sustain. Take care. :hug:
Along with basic self-care, some responsibilities towards My Person, and another very emotional therapy session, today I weeded an overgrown container with nothing useful in it in the garden and planted up a few seeds in it for fall greens. Also, I had a completely unexpected and shocking emotional flashback that could very easily have led me into getting seriously retraumatised by Problem Person through absolutely no fault of his, but I recognised it so quickly and handled it so well that for the first time in months I actually feel hope that at some point Problem Person and I might start to regain our ability to communicate constructively. It has never taken this long to come around before, but it has certainly happened plenty of times in the past 24 years, that we lost our ability to communicate constructively and then regained it. I'm going to be extremely careful and mindful about my expectations for that, but I'm not going to try to force myself to pretend that I don't wish for it dearly. I would especially like be able to communicate with him constructively about CPTSD because it's obvious to me that he has it too, and could benefit from understanding it. In any case, my point is that I've done what I could today, so I'm going to get off my own back and try to relax for the rest of the evening despite all the things I didn't do (even though those tomatoes might go bad because I haven't been able to get it together to make the salsa).
Wow, I kind of slacked off on this, didn't I! Not beating myself up, though, because I've been persevering, doing mostly okay with self-care and with handling really heavy and intense emotions that are arising from the stuff I'm grappling with as I learn about my Youngers. No breakdowns! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Today I want to recognise myself for getting some things done even though for the past few days I've been having a terrible time with physical ill health and pain. That's difficult and very unpleasant, of course, but except for a few fairly brief incidents, I have not felt actively depressed or like hurting myself, and I have not been hearing the death-wishing voice. I had some iffy moments this morning, but I wrote in my thoughts journal and managed to pull myself out of it. I would rather have physical health issues than mental ones, that's for sure. I'm doing okay as long as I'm not hearing the death-wishing voice, and when I can take action even though I'm tired and weak and my head and stomach are hurting, I am definitely ahead of the game.
Today I went to the chiropractor, took a decent walk, put in some laundry, and did some stuff for my job that I've been struggling to finish all week. I still need to finish the laundry, scrub the toilet, take a shower, and do one more job task. I am going to rest and watch TV for a little while, then do those things. My Person is going to take care of dinner tonight, then we'll watch some TV, and, hopefully, tonight I will sleep the sleep of the just and feel better tomorrow.
Quote from: Bach on August 16, 2019, 07:17:05 PM
Today I want to recognise myself for getting some things done even though for the past few days I've been having a terrible time with physical ill health and pain. That's difficult and very unpleasant, of course, but except for a few fairly brief incidents, I have not felt actively depressed or like hurting myself, and I have not been hearing the death-wishing voice. I had some iffy moments this morning, but I wrote in my thoughts journal and managed to pull myself out of it.
:cheer:
I hope that you start feeling better, physically.
Notalone, thank you for the good wishes. I am feeling better today. Not well, necessarily, but heading in the right direction :)
I still haven't finished the laundry, but I did at least get it washed, dried and up the stairs. I didn't finish the rest of the list yesterday either, but I took a shower and scrubbed the toilet today, and did most of my work task. I also managed to go to the swimming pool today and enjoy myself and not completely overexert, although I did still get more wiped out than I meant to. I have to finish my work task tomorrow. It's only small and I wanted to get it done today but there wasn't any good reason to force myself when I was so tired.
I need to make a list of the many larger things that I need to work on a little at a time over a longer term. Then maybe each day pick some for small actions. Could I possibly manage to be that organised and responsible? I think that's what Not B needs the most and she'll drag me down into her pit of anger and disappointment and self-hatred if I don't help her.