Frankly I am having anxiety attacks and aversion in response to even thinking about my father. On the other hand he's one person who listens. He's changed some. I just know that he always creeped me out.
*** Trigger Warning ***
At 5 he masterbated in front of me. At 11 he got in bed with me and demanded I roll over towards him but I refused and he stomped off. I definitely don't like him touching me.
He made me question every male relationship and during and after sexual abuses I always thought all men would rape me. I went from promiscuous behaviors to times of complete aversion to sex. I hate my tendency to over-sexualize every relationship and have been in dangerous situations.
Basically it all goes back to feeling like that's what I am just a sexual object. I have worked on this and considered cutting all ties with him. This has ruined so many relationships. I want better or be single. I can't even think of dating.
I'm sorry that's rough :hug: it shouldn't have happened :hug:
Rainstorm,
Your anxiety and aversion are very understandable. I'm wondering if you are currently seeing a therapist? You are dealing with really heavy issues.
Thanks for all. Yes I am in weekly therapy and have a psychiatrist. It seems like I have been dealing with a heavy load since 5 years old.
Very sorry to whomever felt triggered or saw my post as having graphic details. I now know how to handle it. Again I am so sorry and wish you are well.