Out of the Storm

I am terrified to do this journal, but I think it might be good support for me. We will see if I am brave enough to post.

In case you didn't see my other post, I am 7 years old. Notalone is our big person. There is a whole lot about me to tell, but I will tell little bits at a time, as much as it isn't too scary.

I will start with this problem. My T has been on vacation. I will see him Monday. I am looking forward to seeing him and that is the problem. I'm supposed to take care of all the kids inside (although Notalone says that she is big now and she can do it). That is all really complex and a story for another time. So I don't want to want to talk to him. I don't want to trust him. A long time ago, we had a T who we trusted COMPLETELY. All that is really complex too. I have huge hurt about things that happened. I don't know if I will ever talk about that in session. Notalone has talked about it some. Big pain. Why do I keep wanting people to know me and hear me and care about me?

I have colored with my T and played a game with him (I won). I have told him some things. Last time, I told him a big thing. I told him that it was okay if he hated me. He said he didn't have any negative feelings toward me.

It makes me scared and mad and mixed up that I want to be with him and talk to him.

I am really confused.  :stars:

 sweet E it's scary to trust people especially after you've been hurt so bad.  It's also completely normal to want to tell someone you trust your story.  Notalone trust your T and therefore so do you at least at some level. 

Maybe you can work on letting notalone being able to help you take care of the kids inside, so that you don't have to do it all anymore.  Notalone is so very caring helpful she has been such a good friend to me.

I've had different parts that I had to work on with my T and I've been scared to share too but  trust notalone she cares for you and wants to hear your truth. Big hug if that's ok. :hug:

e, what a courageous, lovely being you are.  thank you for taking the risk and posting here.  we're glad you did.   :grouphug:

i agree w/ what tee said about notalone.  she is so kind and caring and working hard to be able to manage all that's gone before.  i trust her - she has shown to be a very adult, supportive, and intelligent person, someone i'm glad to have in my life.

i'm also glad to meet you.  you've done a great job of taking care of so much for so long.  when your trust grows, both with your t and with notalone, you'll know how much you want to share, how much you want to be ok with allowing notalone more responsibility so that you can have a rest.  it must be exhausting taking care of so many.  you deserve a rest.  that's how i see it, anyway.  sending you love and a gentle hug, if that's ok with you.

To Tee and Sanmagic7,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I had some things I wanted to say, but it is getting mixed up right now. Mostly, it made me feel good that you talked to me about this, so thank you.

This morning I went for a walk with Notalone and 6-year-old. (She doesn't want to tell her name yet.) I picked more Queen Ann's lace. I was a little afraid we would get in trouble. Notalone said we would not get in trouble and it was okay. The flowers look pretty in a green vase in my bathroom. (All flowers in our house have to be in a place where the cat won't eat them!)

When we were walking, Notalone reminded me that the Therapist we see now is different then the one from a really long time ago, who we trusted completely. The one now does things differently and he would never have the kind of relationship with us that the one from long time ago had. (The one from long time ago didn't do bad stuff. It is really complicated, but I don't want anyone to think he did bad stuff. There was a lot of hurt though.) It still makes my stomach all in knots that I am starting to trust T and that I want to see him and talk to him.

Quote from: Tee on August 09, 2019, 12:58:55 AM
sweet E is scary to trust people especially after you've been hurt so bad.  It's also completely normal to want to tell someone you trust your story.

That is true. Notalone told me seven year olds are supposed to have safe grown-ups to talk to and especially to talk to about bad things.

I am feeling sad and upset right now and don't even want the words I wrote to have pretty colors. Maybe because of the stuff I wrote. Maybe because Notalone's husband was here and said something, not a bad thing. Notalone felt mad and realized she always feels like that when he uses that phrase. Trigger. I am feeling all sick and upset inside. I want to hide.

Hi, E.  My name is Bach.  I look after little B.  She says that you're really special and you made her feel better.  I've got big hugs if that feels safe for you, and if not that's okay too, either way I care about you very much and I hope that you will feel better very soon.   :hug:

Oh E, sweet heart it's ok to be scared and hide for a while.  Trigger words are hard.  But it notalone can work on it with her husband. I'm sorry you are upset.  Big hug to help you calm down if that's ok and will help. :hug:

you are very special, and i know that notalone loves you very much - she's that kind of person.  she's also very grown up and responsible when she needs to be, especially when she has to deal with grown-up things, like her husband.   i know she will take care of it.  i'm sorry you're upset.  we all want to hide sometimes.

i love flowers, too.  i have flowers in almost every room of my house.  queen anne's lace is a beautiful summer flower.  did you know it's also called 'bird's nest'?  that's because when it is done blooming, it turns brown and curls up like a little bird's nest. 

sending you love and a hug filled with flowers.   :hug:

Hi E, It's little M. I wanted to say hi and I love Queen Anne's Lace. I like that its called bird nest. I didn't know that. Its also called wild carrot cause the roots are similar to carrots and edible--I'm pretty sure. The rest of the plant is actually poison, so don't eat it. Oh, except the the seeds when they are dried. They can be used for medicine.  Hmm, that just made me remember that sometimes other kids said I thought I was a know-it-all cause I always say stuff like that. But I don't. Sometimes people aren't very nice. I just really like flowers.  I spend a lot of time up in trees too, cause the bark is pretty and sometimes there's moss--ooh and sometimes a catepillar. (I can't spell catapiller) And I like being up higher where I can hide and still see what's below.
Anyway, MoonBeam was meditating this morning and I thought I saw you in my garden for a little while. You can come anytime if you want.
I tried to talk to MoonBeam's T yesterday, but she couldn't really hear me. I'm not sure why. I know she cares about MoonBeam though, and me too i think. It's really hard to know if its ok to talk to grown-ups.  I get really scared too sometimes, well a  lot of times.
I sat on MoonBeam's lap in the garden this morning. She helped me understand a few things and didn't make me feel bad about a mistake I made. I haven't really sat with MoonBeam. I liked it. Do you sit with Notalone sometimes?
Oh, I wanted to try the color maroon to write this. I hope it looks good--like a ruby. Bye E. I like talking to you. I hope you are happy today.

Hi Bach. Thank you for writing to me. I am so glad that Little B is my friend and you can be my friend too. I like grown-ups too.

Tee & SanMagic, Notalone just told her husband that she was in a triggered state and that is why she was so grouchy. No more details then that. Well, all that is for her to talk about if she wants.

SanMagic, I didn't know that the flower was also called "bird's nest." I saw some like that yesterday, that were curled up and brown. Thank you for telling me that. That is wonderful that you have flowers all over your house. My cat eats flowers and plastic!  :rofl:

Little M, thanks for telling me the flower is called "wild carrot" too. Wow. That flower has a lot of names. Probably a Latin name too. I just think you are smart. I like it when you tell me things. I like to learn new things.

I like climbing trees too. A long time ago, we used to climb way to the top of a tree on windy days, and the wind would take us for a ride as we held onto the branch.

Thank you for inviting me to the garden anytime. I like sitting on the bench, but next time I might bring a blanket. It is so peaceful and pretty there.

I think that the first time our T talked to one of the little parts, Notalone asked him to talk to the six-year-old. I'm not sure because that is fuzzy to me. Could MoonBeam tell your T that you want to talk to her?

That's really nice that you sat on MoonBeam's lap and that she helped you. I talk to Notalone sometimes. Lots of times when she goes for a walk, I hold her hand and the six-year-old holds her other hand. It's really different for her to take care of me because before, lots and lots of years ago, I took care of all the big stuff even though I am seven. Really long story behind all that.

Your color looks pretty.

To all of you: it makes me feel so warm inside that you care and talk to me.  :grouphug:

I'm glad she was able to talk to him a little. 

I hope you are having a good night. :hug:

Hi, E, it's Bach again.  Thank you for your offer of friendship!  That's very special to me. Does that mean I can hug you?  I like to hug my friends :hug:

I've heard you like flowers.  Little B and I like flowers too.  Every spring, she and I plant wildflower seeds in the spring in a small meadow next to our house.  Then we visit the meadow every day during the summer and fall to gather seeds for next year.  It's one of our very favourite things to do together.

Little B wants to start a journal too but she told me that she's afraid you will be mad at her for stealing your idea.  I suggested that she ask you if it was okay with you, but it's even harder for her to ask for things than it is for her to speak.  So I told her that I would ask you for her. 

She says Hi  :wave:

Tee:  :hug:

Little B & Bach: I think it is a wonderful idea for you to start a journal. I laughed when I read "stealing my idea." Not my idea at all, lots of others have journals. I understand about being afraid that people will be mad, though.

I love that you plant flowers then gather the seeds in the fall. Do you keep them in the same place every time? Notalone finds envelopes of bought and gathered seeds all over. She doesn't have a PLACE for them then forgets.

Thanks for the hugs, Bach. Little B, I am looking forward to reading your journal when you are ready to write.

I want to tell you a little bit about the six-year-old. She wants me to tell you. She didn't have a name before. She was called "The Girl who was . . . (bad stuff happened)." Two weeks ago, something happened (I can't say details because it is too secret.) Anyway it was a big surprise to all of us. Then Notalone named the six-year-old "Hope." She said she deserves a name. I don't know if this is making sense, because I'm keeping a lot of secrets, but this is a big thing.

In our session today, after Notalone talked to T, I talked to him. I told him that Hope was there, but she was behind the chair because she was scared. So I talked to him for awhile. I told him that I had a lot of new friends; all of you. He was glad about that. After awhile, he said he was wondering if Hope wanted to talk to him. I asked her and she came and talked to him. He was very nice to her. It made me trust him some more. There was more I wrote, but it felt too scary, so I erased it.

I need to go hide under my blanket now.

hey,

i'm glad you're taking care of yourself when you get too scared.  it's something that's a good thing to do.

you are so brave, and so is little hope.  it takes a lot of courage to come out and talk to others.  well done!   :thumbup:  i'm happy for you that your t was nice and made you feel like you could trust him.  i think that's a good thing, too.

it's nice to think of your new friends.  good thing number 3.  wow!  that's so cool!  sending love and a caring hug to you all, if it's ok.  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

 :hug: that's great that Hope has a name and was able to talk. I'm glad that you shared with your T about us I'm sorry your scared but it's ok! And it's ok to hide when you're scared.  Notalone will protect you.  Here with you E. :hug:

You're so brave, E, talking about all kinds of stuff!  I'm glad you starting talking here because I met you and now you're my friend but also because before you starting talking I wasn't sure if I could actually talk.  Or maybe I could talk but no one could hear me?  I don't know!  But I can talk now and it's good to be able to talk even though it's really really REALLY scary.

Anyway, Bach didn't used to have just one place to keep all the seeds and planting stuff, and she has them all over the place like it sounds like Notalone does but last year Bach and Her Person had to have their garage rebuilt and it came out way bigger than they meant for it to and they've been complaining about that ever since it happened but because it's so big there's a place in it with a window where she can make a space for all the seeds and planting stuff.  She already got a shelf and a rolly thing with pullout drawers at a garage sale and she's going to put Her Person's mom's cardtable and folding chair there too.  She's really excited about that!  She likes growing food most of all, but I always remind her that we have to grow lots and lots of flowers too because the bees and butterflies need food.  I love bees and butterflies and flowers!

(Note from Bach:  If you want to see a picture of some of Little B's flowers, click here: https://live.staticflickr.com/935/43077560675_e6ec0c4b6d_c.jpg (https://live.staticflickr.com/935/43077560675_e6ec0c4b6d_c.jpg))

Hi E!  :wave:

Hope is a lovely name, and I'm so glad that she now feels able to talk. You are both so brave, and I hope you can see the progress you've made in speaking. It's great that you feel you can trust your T more too.

Please give your bear another hug from me.  :hug:

E will respond to all of you, but she had a tough morning. She is more in the background now and it is best if it stays that way at least until I get through today.

Notalone

Sanmagic, thank you for writing to me. I like it when you write to me. Am I taking care of myself when I go under the blanket? You are a nice person.  :hug:

Tee, thank you for saying that about Hope. She is very happy to have a name and to have T talk to her. Is it really okay to hide under a blanket when I feel scared?

Little B, I am so glad that you are talking now and you are my friend. Sometimes when it is too scary to talk it is okay to just be with a person. Sometimes I just color with my therapist. I'm glad that Bach has a special place for her gardening stuff.

Bach, thank you for sending the picture of Little B's flowers. They are so pretty. Would it be okay with you if I printed it and put a Bible verse on it and glued it in my journal?

Snowdrop, I gave my bear another hug from you and whispered in his ear, "This is from Snowdrop." He giggled. At first Hope didn't say anything and T asked her if it was hard to talk. He understood. Then she started talking to him. She's talked to him before, but she didn't have a name then. He's going to help her.

I got a present yesterday. I want to know more about Jesus, but Notalone is so mad at him right now that she can't teach me. My T. suggested a book. So Notalone bought me a Bible. It has nice pictures on every page and not too many words. Maybe when I'm done here I will read a story. Notalone has stuff to do, but she said we have time.

I just started writing two different things that I was going to tell, but it felt too scary, so I erased them. I'm feeling a lot of the icky feelings lately. Maybe I will just read a story right now. I hate having bad feelings inside.

E, I'm glad you liked the flowers!  Little B loves to take pictures of the things we grow, and of interesting things she sees when we go out for a walk.  It makes her feel special that you want to put it in your journal, so please do.  She doesn't want to speak today.  Thank you for telling her it's okay to just be with a person when you don't want to speak.  She worries that she will make people angry if she speaks, but she also worries that she's not real if she doesn't, so that's a good thing for her to hear from someone around her same age.

Little B, you are real! It is okay if you want to talk and okay if you just want to be quiet. You are my friend and I am happy to listen to you or to just sit with you in quietness, when you want company.

E just like it's ok to speak or be quite it ok to be seen or to hide.  I think it's fine to hide under the blanket of things get too scary.  It is a way that you can protect and make you feel better right?  Then that is good.  Sending a gentle safe hug for you if it needs to go through poor Richard that's would be fine. :hug:

Today Notalone was driving and a police car went by really fast. They only go that fast if someone is in trouble. Then he turned down the street where our therapist is. I got really scared that something bad was happening to him, maybe someone was hurting him. Notalone told me that was very unlikely. She kept doing her errands and I kept being really scared. I wanted to email him and make sure he is safe. Notalone said what if he doesn't respond for 2-3 days; you will be even more scared. She said to write him a letter. I did. Then I emailed him! I need to know he is okay. I'm a little scared now, but I hope he lets me know soon that he is safe. I can picture bad things in my head, but I'm trying not to.

It's sweet that you want to make sure he's ok, but I'm sure like notalone said that he probably is just fine.  I hope you here soon so that your mind is out to rest. :hug:

E, Poor Richard wants to hug you! :hug:  We know about scary police cars, especially if there's lights and sirens, yikes!  Poor Richard doesn't like them either but he's a brave lion so he's not as scared as us and hugging him helps me. :hug:  I hope you find out soon then you can stop being scared.  Do you still want to blow bubbles?  You can make a double-bubble by getting the bubble fluid on the wand and blowing it slowly so the bubble coming out gets to be bigger than if you blow fast.  Then when the bubble floats off the wand you can catch it with the wand, and then if you blow through the wand again with the bubble on it, another bubble stuck to the first bubble will come out and voila you've got a double bubble!  I don't know if those are good instructions or not, but you can try it.  Maybe later I will draw a picture.  I love you E, try not to be scared! :hug:

Tee, Bach & Little B:

Thank you. He is safe. Phew. He emailed me.

Little B. when I get bubbles I will try that!

E.

I feel horrible. After session Notalone went to a friend's house for lunch. I came home a took a long nap. I woke up feeling scared and the blackness (shame). Couldn't get up and kept falling asleep and waking up feeling bad feelings. Everything feels too heavy. In session I talked about my friend who died. I feel so sad. I don't want to do this anymore. It all HURTS.
E

o e, i truly know what you're talking about when you say that you don't want to feel these feelings anymore cuz they hurt.  i'm going thru something similar right now and i don't like it at all. 

i'm glad you think i'm nice - i think you're nice, too.  and i truly do think that self-care can come in many ways, including hiding under your blanket.   i'm just glad you have a place to go to help you feel better and safer.

i'm having a lot of yucky feelings today, too, but wanted to send you some love and a gentle hug.   i hope it can help take some of the shame and darkness away - it has a little light in it, like a night light, but it's a shame light.  a night light takes away the darkness, a shame light can help get rid of the shame.  ok with you?   :hug: :sunny:  (that may not be quite right, but i hope you understand what that hug and sun mean).

Oh E sweet little one losing a friend hurts so much. I know this pain. I lost my best friend when I was about your age. The pain is unbearable.  Please be gentle with yourself. Hug on poor Richard and hide under your blanket.  Feeling the hurt is hard but you are so brave. I'm going to pass a hug to put Richard for you. :hug: I hope you feel better.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 19, 2019, 10:06:43 PM
i'm having a lot of yucky feelings today, too, but wanted to send you some love and a gentle hug.   i hope it can help take some of the shame and darkness away - it has a little light in it, like a night light, but it's a shame light.  a night light takes away the darkness, a shame light can help get rid of the shame.  ok with you?   :hug: :sunny:  (that may not be quite right, but i hope you understand what that hug and sun mean).

Thank you, Sanmagic. The hug with light means a lot to me. I'm sorry you are having yucky feelings too.

Tee, thank you for your sympathy. Poor Richard belongs to Little B.  :yes: I will receive your hug from my bear. His name is Roman.

My bad sorry your bear Roman than. What a great name. :)

Little B: I made a double bubble! Your instructions were good.
E.

Hooray for double bubbles!  :cheer:

So much fun :cheer:

Hope and I went for a walk with Notalone. There is a song that Notalone has listened to LOTS. Hope and I kept singing one line from the song over and over. Then we laughed because it had a bad word in it. One time I said a bad word in my session. My therapist told me that I could say any words I wanted to in his office. I don't think that he would be mad that Hope and I were singing a bad word. Notalone wasn't mad, but she got tired of us singing the same thing over and over. She suggested that we sing something else.

We found out that Hope doesn't know any songs. Well, that makes sense, because up until very recently, she's only been in two places. So, Notalone and I sang songs. Hope thought that "There's a Hole in My Bucket" was funny. She wanted us to sing it again (it's really long), but we didn't. We sang "He's got the Whole Word in His Hands." Notalone sang, "He's got Hope in His hands. . ." then she sang it with "He's got E. . ." and then with some of the others. Hope liked that.

Notalone said that if I sing to Hope she will learn some songs. I don't always feel like singing, but when I do, that would be a good thing for her.  :whistling:

Friends, how are you?

  :wave: that sounds like fun E,. I've had a rough week but the weekend is almost here.  I'm looking forward to spending sometime with my kids this weekend. Hope you have a good weekend too. :grouphug:

i know that 'there's a hole in the bucket' is a long song, but, i've always loved that song.  i think i saw the muppets sing it once, and it was so much fun.

to me, singing means that there's light in your heart, which i think is a good thing.  and, look at you, teaching songs to hope.  how very clever of you.  of course,  we aren't going to have that light in our hearts and feel like singing all the time.  nothing wrong with that, tho.  if you do it when you feel like it, hope will pick up on your light and it will begin shining on her, too. 

my kids always got a kick out of singing songs that had bad words in them.  they could blame the words on the song, and honestly, it made me laugh. 

i'm glad you could all go for a walk together.  it's one of my favorite things to do.  sending love and a hug filled with fun.   :hug:

Sanmagic,

We like the muppets too.

Thank you for saying that I was clever. I don't know that that is true, but it felt nice to hear it. I am going to try and trust what you said that there is light in my heart. I see a lot of black. My T wants to talk to about that.

I'm glad you could laugh with your kids. Sending you love back with a hug.  :hug:

Tee, I'm sorry you had a tough week. I hope you have fun with your kids this weekend.

Dear Notalone,
I just wanted to offer you a hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
I also agree with what SanMagic says, about thinking that you are clever.  I don't know why, but it comes across to me that you're clever too.  I hope you don't mind my echoing that. 
Hope  :)

Thanks E I have to work most of the weekend but trying to squeeze a little fun in when I can.  I hope you have a good weekend too.  :hug: sending warm hug and a smile

Hope, thank you for the hug and for telling me that I'm clever. It feels warm inside to hear that.

Tee, thanks for the hug and smile.

I haven't written on here for awhile. NotAlone just got back from a week vacation. (I was mostly far away, but saw some of it.) Before that my therapist was on vacation. We saw him today. It has been such a long, hard 2 1/2 weeks since I saw him. I laid on his couch and held Roman (teddy bear) and cried (not sobbing tears, just quiet tears). It feels like I've been holding my breath for 2 1/2 weeks. I am just spending some time being right now. I still feel sad. I see the blue sky and white puffy clouds out my window and that brings me some comfort.

From,
E.
p.s. I think I am so sad because I feel so alone. Maybe more than that. I don't know. [/font][/size]

Hi E, It's Little M.  I haven't been around at all. I'm not really sure why, hiding I guess, but I wanted to say hi. I think I'm sad too 'cause I've been feeling alone and I get confused. I like that you talked about the clouds. I love them. I always imagine I can float on them and they are soft and bouncy. I think you're really brave. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Little M. I'm sorry you are feeling sad too. Glad you came and said hi. I like to pretend to be up in the clouds too. -E

Nice to see you, E. I'm sorry you've been feeling sad. Here is a picture of you on a cloud. :cloud9:

Snowdrop,
Thank you. That brought a big smile to my face and my heart.

hi, E,

glad to see you back.  sorry you're feeling alone - i think a lot of us feel that way sometimes.  i know i do.  it  can be tough being us, knowing what we do, and not always able to get it out, to tell someone and have them understand.  i agree, i think you're brave, and i'm glad you had Roman to keep you company. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ lovely clouds to enjoy!   :hug: :cloud9:

(snowdrop, i'm glad you found that emoji - perfect!  hope you don't mind that i borrowed it, too.)

Hi E, I'm sending you another hug, and I love the lovely clouds that Snowdrop and SanMagic found - looks lovely and soft and comfortable.   :hug:
Hope  :)

It has been a long time since I've been out. I have been way inside, taking care of the other kids. Last time that I was out, I was with Therapist and I cried. (That was in September.) He talked to me from his head and that made me feel like he didn't care. I emailed him on Monday and told him that. He emailed back and said that he was glad I told him how I was feeling and he hopes that I come to see him soon. I don't know. I have had a lot of people leave me. I don't trust. My heart hurts all the time. I really just want to hide. Maybe I'll do that right now. I feel afraid and confused.

From,
E (7 years old)

Quote from: notalone on November 07, 2019, 07:48:58 PM
It has been a long time since I've been out. I have been way inside, taking care of the other kids. Last time that I was out, I was with Therapist and I cried. (That was in September.) He talked to me from his head and that made me feel like he didn't care. I emailed him on Monday and told him that. He emailed back and said that he was glad I told him how I was feeling and he hopes that I come to see him soon. I don't know. I have had a lot of people leave me. I don't trust. My heart hurts all the time. I really just want to hide. Maybe I'll do that right now. I feel afraid and confused.

From,
E (7 years old)

Hi E! I haven't really been out since summer ended except to gather some wildflower seeds for next year, but I wanted to come out right now to say Hi to you!  :wave: and give you a hug from Poor Richard  if you want it  :hug:  I hope soon you stop feeling so afraid and confused.  I wonder what it's like to not feel that way?  Bach says it's okay to be afraid and confused, and that she loves me and will keep me safe.  I hope that's true.  I never used to think it was but now I think it might be.  I hope you can feel good and have some fun soon!  From your friend Little B.

It's nice to see you again, E. I was thinking about you and wondering how you are.

Well done for telling your therapist how you felt. I think that was brave of you. I have had a lot of people leave me as well, and I can understand that you find it hard to trust. I hope you can see your therapist when you feel able to.

Here is another cloud for you. It's all soft and puffy, and I hope it brings you comfort. It's a little bit windy here at the moment, which is why it's blowing across the screen.

I was feeling really mad too. I'm calmer now. I wrote "Care is a lie" on a piece of paper and then scribbled on the back then crumpled the paper. My crayon broke. I was thinking of people who I really trusted who left me. I know I won't ever trust like I did before. There is a lot to tell about that,
but not right now.

Little B, it is good to hear from you. I have been thinking of you, but like I said, I've been way inside. The hug from Little Richard feels safe. Thank you. Roman (my bear) would like to give you a hug.

Snowdrop, thank you for the cloud. Even though I'm having a hard time, it made me smile. How did you make it go across the screen? I'm sorry you've had people leave you too. There are so many ways to hurt people.

I'm going to go eat icecream now.

E

Hi E. I'm glad to see your post. Little M has been hiding for quite a while too. She can't come and say hi right now, but seeing your post is the first time she's wanted to be out and I know that means a lot to her.  She's really shy and scared, but she really likes you and is in awe that there is someone her age, who feels just like she does.
I really think its a big thing to share your feelings with Therapist and want to tell you how strong and smart I think you are. I'm sorry there are hurtful people in the world and am so glad we all have each other here to help us feel strong and  feel a little safer and a little better. 

Hi MoonBeam. Please say hi to Little M. I know what it's like to be scared. If I was with Little M I'd put my arm around her. That's what I do for Hope (she's 5). I'm glad for the friendships with you and the other people here too.

Roman's a nice name for a bear. I'm glad you have him to hug.

I'm pleased my cloud made you smile. To make it, I clicked on the "move" button at the top of the screen (it has an M on it that's moving), and then clicked on the "more" option to find the cloud. In text, it looks like this:

[ move]: cloud9:[/ move]

but without the extra spaces.

 I did it! Thank you.

Hooray!

Good job! Hahaha, I love it!  ;D

I just feel like talking. I don't know if I will send this or not, but it doesn't hurt to write it. I'm feeling lots of things. NotAlone suggested that I text the three friends who she just told on Monday about DID. They know about Hope (5) and Eleven-year-old. They know about me, but only as "the seven year old." I didn't want them to know my name. Even here, I don't feel safe with people knowing my name, only my first letter. I'm not sure why. Not safe. So, I don't feel safe texting the three friends. We have had men and women hurt us, but we trust women even less. Although, the two people who have been in my life a long time, who didn't leave me or hurt me, are both women. One is living with Jesus now.

The T we see now is always telling us that we can tell him things or not tell him things. We can tell a lot or a little or nothing. It is up to us. He doesn't push us at all. That is really different for us. A     L  O  N  G   time ago, we were in therapy, and there was a big push to tell and to trust. We did trust. It ended up in a lot of hurt. Hurt that can never be fixed. I'm not ready for NotAlone's three friends to know more about me or for me to talk to them. So I guess I won't. It is a bit of a struggle because I feel pretty alone.

I think I will go see our Therapist on Monday. It is really hard because we all need to talk to him. Last week he told NotAlone's three friends about DID so none of us talked to him. The week before that, the eleven year old was in the middle of something and time was up. That was really hard. NotAlone needs to talk to him about marriage stuff. Eleven year old left off in the middle of really bad things. Hope wants to just be with him, but she also had some bad things to talk about. NotAlone says I should see him. Maybe I will tell him that he didn't answer the part in my email about him talking to me out of his head when I was crying (in September). Maybe I'll tell him that when he said in his email that he missed talking to me, I don't believe him (mostly). Maybe I'll show him the paper that I crumbled up and wrote "care is a lie" and scribbled really mad on it. Maybe I will sit and color with him and just be upset. There are other things too. I don't know. I hate all of this. I want a big eraser to erase EVERYTHING.

Thank you for posting, E. I'm glad that you feel safe enough to do so. It was brave of you.

I hope that you're able to speak to your Therapist on Monday. You spend a lot of time looking after the others, and I hear you when you say you feel alone.

If you don't feel like talking with your Therapist, would it help to show him what you've posted here? I don't know if that feels safe though. It's just a thought I had. You can ignore the idea if it's not helpful.

Please give Roman a hug from me if that feels OK. I hope these clouds help you feel better. There's blue sky and sunshine above them.

Hello E,

This is the grown-up Blueberry speaking. One of my Littles wants to let you know that she sometimes colours in when things are too much in therapy. Your reason for colouring in is a bit different but my Little is sitting with you. She is sending you compassion, though she doesn't know the word. She is only four.

hey, E,

just want to say hi.  i've been sick lately, so haven't been around on the forum much, but wanted to let you know i haven't left you.  i get sick a lot, so sometimes it's hard for me to keep up with people, but in my heart i'm still with them.

i've had people leave me, too.  it's not a good feeling. 

and, i'm really sorry you had a therapist who insisted that you say and do more than you were ready for.  that stinks!  i'm glad this one isn't like that.

sending you some love and a caring hug. :hug:  you're very brave.

To everyone:

I did end up seeing Therapist on Monday. I wish I could feel his care, but it is hard for me to believe it. There's more, but I don't feel like writing it now.

Snowdrop, thanks for talking to me and for the cloud and for Roman's hug. (NotAlone forgot to bring him to session so I didn't have him to hold. Luckily I was wearing a hoodie, so I put my hood on, which felt a little safer.) I thought it was a really good idea to bring what I wrote to session, so I printed it and brought it. I ended up not needing to read it, but it was a really good idea. Thank you.

Grown-up Blueberry and four-year-old, thank you for what you said. I wish I could color with 4 year old. I would put my arm around her like I do for Hope (5). Your Little's care means a lot.  :hug:

San, thanks for writing to me. I'm sorry you've been sick and I'm sorry you know about people leaving. That makes me feel sick inside, but it is feelings sick, not physical sick. Thanks for your love and hug. I love you too.

E

I like wearing hoodies too, particularly when it's cold outside. I know what you mean about feeling safer with the hood up.

I'm glad you saw Therapist. I was thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way.

Hi - I just wanted to pop by and say hello, and offer you a safe and supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug: - for Notalone and for all your Littles - and I hope that you are all ok - I've missed you.  I'm back again after my break, and wanted to say hello and wish you well for today and the days ahead.
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on December 04, 2019, 07:52:36 PM
Hi - I just wanted to pop by and say hello, and offer you a safe and supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug: - for Notalone and for all your Littles - and I hope that you are all ok - I've missed you.  I'm back again after my break, and wanted to say hello and wish you well for today and the days ahead.
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope. Glad you are back. Here is a hug from all of us to all of you.  :grouphug:

 :grouphug:  Thank you.  Sending you all a hug too - if that's ok. 
Hope  :)