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Treatment, Self-Help & Recovery => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Jazzy on August 13, 2019, 11:19:41 PM

Title: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 13, 2019, 11:19:41 PM
So... historically, I haven't had a lot of success journaling, but I'm going to try again. Reading what others have written here has been immensely helpful to me. So, I hope that someone, some day, will be helped by something I write here. Hopefully, that will help me make progress with it as well.



Long Term Goals:

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 13, 2019, 11:40:22 PM
The last few months I have actually been doing really well, compared to how I have been in the past. So far, I've been able to succeed at two of my recovery goals. Eating 3 meals a day, and sleeping through the night. On one hand it is so awesome that I've been succeeding with this on a daily basis. I've struggled so had for so long to get to where I am. On the other hand though, eating and sleeping are just basic requirements of life, and "doing them right" is something I imagine never even crosses a normal person's mind... so there's still a long way to go.

I read something a couple/few days ago about judging yourself based on how you feel about yourself, instead of based on what others think of you. Maybe this will be a good long term recovery goal, if I can keep my sleeping/eating habits regulated. The concept seems so foreign though. I understand it as a concept, but it doesn't seem real. Its like how I understand the concept that a star is actually the sun of another solar system. I don't have any first hand experience with our solar system (as I've never been to space), never mind another one... but I get the idea. Sure, its a great theory. But I'm not likely to be out in space any time soon, and the reality of judging myself based on my own feelings seems just as remote.

I think a good starting point is to "get over" feeling so much shame. I'm not really sure how to go about that though. Any social interaction puts me heavily on guard and anything even remotely resembling conflict triggers an EF. Most of the time I don't even really feel in control of what I say to others. In a difficult situation I usually cannot speak at all, unless I'm expected too, then all I can say is the briefest thing which I think is expected of me. This makes traditional therapy basically impossible. If I get upset and can't speak, then not much is getting dealt with. But, as the last "therapist" I saw said: "Well, you don't have a light over your head, I don't know when this happens." It seemed like a really rude and uncaring thing to say, but there is some truth to it. I almost wish I wasn't so good at hiding my feelings. Not that I do it on purpose any more, but it is just instinctual behaviour that was forced upon me when I was younger.

So maybe the first step is to keep control of myself. But how? How do you stop yourself from mentally checking out? I think other people talk about it as an out of body experience... but they say they see themselves and such. I don't leave my body like that, but I'm not really there in it either. I'm just gone. I don't know where. I think its a defense mechanism to make me think that whatever happened to upset me isn't really happening to me, because I'm gone... but I'm afraid that in reality it still is. My subconscious will still know and carry whatever it is. Well, I haven't figured it out yet, and it seems I won't figure it out tonight either. Anyway, time to do something else.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on August 14, 2019, 01:53:41 AM
First, thanks for sharing your thoughts in a journal.

I'm sorry that the therapist was insensitive. I often dissociate: check out, can't talk. It is something I am working on, but it is a long processes. It is also common for those who have experienced trauma. My therapist can see it and recognize the dissociation. He will ask me; "Where are you?" "How much are you present?" I say that because the right therapist could be helpful to you if that was something you would want to pursue.

Checking out/being gone/dissociation is a defense mechanism. Helpful when it was needed.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sunflower38 on August 14, 2019, 02:22:12 AM
Sometimes I find myself dissociating during a therapy session if we rushed into talking about something triggering. I find that it helps if I set up a specific session ahead of time (weeks in advance even) where we talk about one specific thing, and then I spend weeks just thinking a little bit about it on my own. This makes me feel like I have more control sometimes. Therapists aren't there to make you dissociate. You can take as much time as you need to talk about something, even starting surface level and slowly digging your way down is okay. If you don't know how to swim, being thrown in the deep end and expected to learn with no help isn't going to teach you how to swim. You gotta start in the shallow end, or even just dipping in a toe at a time if you need to.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 15, 2019, 12:05:54 AM
Thanks for the replies. Hopefully in the future I will find more success in therapy, but I have no immediate plans. Being here has been the most therapeutic thing I've done.

So, I read a couple of the other shorter journals here for the first time ever, and now I feel like I'm doing this all wrong... I'm not being emotional or connected enough, on and on, but I think it is just part of the shame that I feel in pretty much everything I do. This being a public record is incredibly difficult. I always had to be beyond perfect, and while I don't have a rubric for this, I'm sure it is not perfect.

Anyway, I thought today I'd think/talk about agoraphobia. I quickly looked it up before I started typing this out, for fear of looking like I don't know what I'm talking about, and what do you know, I had the wrong definition. I'm sure I've seen it defined many times in many places though. Perhaps it has changed recently. English being a living language and all that. Anyway, apparently now it basically means that you avoid situations in which you may panic. I don't really care for this definition. That just seems to be a logical, natural way of keeping yourself safe. "Oh hey, going to the grocery store gives me panic attacks, I guess I'll stop doing that." Wouldn't you stay away from places where you tend to have panic attacks? ... I mean, wouldn't it be more of a problem to not have agoraphobia and throwing yourself in to panic attacks over and over again?

So I guess this is where exposure therapy comes in to the picture. My psychiatrist seems to think that the answer is that simple. Afraid of going outside? Just go outside more. Well, I've been going to get a cup of coffee from the store when I wake up, every day, for over a year now. I still hate it. Every day I'm afraid of going outside again in the morning. It has gotten easier to see the people working at the store, but that's about it. What gets easier is a very specific small part of the problem, when what I'm looking for is a generic/all-encompassing solution. Just going outside more doesn't do much, I'd like to actually recover and not have agoraphobia not have such bad reactions to people any more. I'm pretty sure exposure therapy like this just keeps it alive.

Anyway, the whole point to this is that it isn't really about me going outside. Its about encountering another person. Sure, I get lonely and need companionship like anyone else, sometimes desperately so... but it turns out that my most common trigger is a person. Nothing specific at all, being human is enough. What brought this whole rant up is that I caught myself hiding today, because my neighbour walked past the window when I was in view of it. So, clearly I don't feel very safe, even in the house. I'm not exactly sure how to tie this in, I'm not the best writer, but it connects with what I was talking about yesterday. About how any social interaction puts me heavily on guard and frequently triggers an EF/dissociation.

Its frustrating. I just finished a nice dinner. I'm sitting here listening to pleasant music, typing away, and petting my cat. I should be so happy right now, or at least content... but I just want to feel like its okay. But it doesn't feel that way. In less than 12 hours it will be time to go outside again.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 16, 2019, 12:15:11 AM
Its been a rough day today. A lot better than a rough day a year ago, or a good day 3 years ago, but still rough. A little while after coming home this morning I felt extremely depressed. Its not just feeling depressed though, I get so exhausted. I very nearly went back to the bed for the day, I was even laying on the couch, but somehow I was able to get up and keep going. This tiredness really bothers me. It is like my brain is doing everything I can to make me unconscious so I don't have to deal with how I am/am not feeling. I really hope I don't start having blackouts again.

Thankfully the depression lightened up somewhat after a couple of hours, but I'm still very "off" today. I double checked my medication, looks like I took everything properly. Maybe its a reaction to me pushing myself to be more productive lately. Its embarrassing to admit, but I am an extremely unproductive person. I don't really have any art skills to speak of (thanks M). I don't really do any crafts or projects, I just don't feel like I connect with anything, then its just junk messing up my house. Even fun things like playing a video game I'm not very good at. I just keep restarting the game over and over and over again, because it just doesn't feel like I did things right. No matter how many times I restart though, it never feels right.

Anyway, not really sure to describe how I'm feeling right now. My anxiety is higher than it has been lately for sure, but also somewhat depressed/not caring about, or wanting to do anything.. Waves of something keep hitting me. I'm getting really irritated at every little thing. A song started playing that immediately annoyed me, and I went to skip it, but then noticed I had it marked as a favourite... so my judgement must be really off.

Its disturbing though, these mood swings. Everything keeps changing, rapidly. Its very unstable. I don't know what's going on or why. That's the worst of all, when you're a stranger to yourself, when you don't know what's going on with yourself. Hopefully it passes soon.

...

Not at all how I planned this entry to go, but hey, that's life.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Tee on August 16, 2019, 02:42:47 AM
 :hug: maybe tomorrow will be better.  Hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 16, 2019, 05:13:16 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 17, 2019, 12:35:20 AM
Thanks for the hugs. Today has indeed been better; at least more stable. Just some of the usual disturbing thoughts , but they're much easier to deal with.



Today's rant is about IC/inners/youngers etc. I don't really know much about it, so if someone has some resources to share, I'd really appreciate that.



So, I don't really understand this whole topic. I never really got to be a child. I've been an adult since I was about 3 years old. I learned quick that I had to take care of myself, because no one else was going to. I rarely got to play with kids my own age, I didn't even get to go to school with the other kids or anything. This is when the first traumatic event (that I can remember) happened to me, hence how I learned I had to take care of myself.

There is one thing that I have experienced that might fit in to this category. I really don't know what it is, or what to call it. The lines seem very blurry on this whole concept. I think of it as a different/split personality though, and I don't think its a good thing.

When I was physically a child, and I was very sure there were no adults nearby that could see or hear me, I would act differently then I did normally. It was more confident, outspoken, and in charge kind of a thing, with a dash of "obviously not real" thrown in. For example, when I had to do physical labour, I'd pretend to be a machine. This other me soon began to not only speak and act differently, but took on different physical mannerisms, and a different name as well. Whenever there were no adults around, this is who I was. Normally (there were almost always adults around), I was the other me. The quiet, passive, shy, not wanting anything to do with anyone, me.

As an adult (physically), the "normal" me became more dominant until it had taken over for the most part. There does seem to be an exception though. When I get too close with someone (romantically involved), it has (so far) always triggered a long term sort of EF.... months, years, however long, lasting until a short time after the relationship ends. During this period, with person of interest, when no other adults are around, I am overtaken by the other me. A different name each time, but the same style of speaking, acting, immature thoughts etc., all markedly different than normal me. That other me feels so terrible. Always feeling hurt and jealous and despite the false appearance of confidence, totally submissive, as normal/real me has checked out for a long vacation.

So, anyway... I'm not sure how this all ties together. I've never told anyone that much about me and other me. I feel like I'm really missing out on this IC thing though, but I'm not even really sure where to start. As stated above, the only part of me that is other me, is the worst of me, which I hate. Hopefully I can learn some more on this matter.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Tee on August 17, 2019, 01:54:37 AM
 :hug: I think we all have different sides that developed to keep us safe at different times growing up.  they show up now in different ways that are not always helpful.  I think we can call them different things but ultimately they are us and we have to quiet the voices often by hearing them out first to help us heal.  I'm not sure if that makes any sense. If that doesn't disregard.  I'm in a slightly off place at the moment and am not sure I'm making sense.  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 18, 2019, 12:36:04 AM
Not really sure what to write about today. I've been feeling pretty off. I didn't sleep well, and it was raining this morning so I stayed in bed extra late. I've been sleepy and have a headache all day. Mostly I just feel disconnected and alone though.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 18, 2019, 12:37:39 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Anjulie on August 18, 2019, 08:52:50 AM
Sorry for my late reply, but since I've read this post from you, I wanted to respond.
Quote
So, I read a couple of the other shorter journals here for the first time ever, and now I feel like I'm doing this all wrong... I'm not being emotional or connected enough, on and on, but I think it is just part of the shame that I feel in pretty much everything I do. This being a public record is incredibly difficult. I always had to be beyond perfect, and while I don't have a rubric for this, I'm sure it is not perfect.

I've been struggling with my way of being here, too, and I got so many kind responses, they basically all say: Just be who you are, we are here to heal, you are welcome just as you are and just as you do it.

You're not doing it wrong. There is no wrong  here.  Just do it the way you want to do it, everyone has its own voice, and that makes it so valuable.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sunflower38 on August 18, 2019, 02:56:22 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 19, 2019, 12:45:39 AM
Thank you Three Roses, Anjulie, Sunflower38. Your positive feedback certainly helps make this easier, and I really appreciate you taking the time for me.



So, today was better than yesterday, but still a bit rough. I woke up 3 or 4 times throughout the night, terrified of something... I'm not sure what, I don't remember any dreams, but I was terrified nonetheless. I slept in the morning to make up for the missing rest. I'm disappointed spending so much time in bed, but its in the past, so I can only try to do better tomorrow. I almost didn't go get my coffee at the store today, given it was so late. I felt ashamed of it. I did finally talk myself in to it though, and thankfully it was D who was working today. He's a great guy, even gave me my  coffee free. That really helped to get me in a better mood.

I'm grateful that even though I've missed breakfast, I was still able to make and eat a good dinner these last couple of days. I also got some laundry and a bit of cleaning done today too, so even though it was a rough start, I'm feeling much better this evening. I'm feeling much more aware/here/connected now too.



Its tough to really think about where I'm at, and symptoms and recovery, etc. when I'm not sleeping well, and zoned out like yesterday and this morning... but I have been going over a few things this evening. It started with me trying to figure out why I have such difficulty with this inner child topic, as I talked about previously. I also noticed that a lot of what has happened doesn't feel real to me, even though I know it is.

So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm still living in denial. I haven't ever told anyone about all I've been through. I've only told 2 or 3 people I even deal with CPTSD. I haven't been able to participate in any trauma themed therapy, as that would mean admitting it to someone. Maybe this is why therapy has never worked well for me so far.

I don't know if I can though, I feel so ashamed. With M being such a narc, everything is always about her, because "her too, but more". No doubt she has PTSD, and her incidents are "worse" than mine, at least traditionally. Even though I know this, I don't know how to deal with it. A big part of the problem is that I literally have such difficulty speaking when trying to admit something like this. My thoughts kind of go blank, and no words come. Even the "trauma specialists" around here seem to not be concerned about how difficult it is, or maybe just not know. Those people do a lot more harm than good I think, but that's a topic for another day. Maybe I've even mentioned it here before, I don't really remember.

I'll try and type something out later about what I've been through. Hopefully its a good first step, as it is far easier to type than to speak. Its tough though, because I don't seem to be able to portray my feelings very well. I guess I just feel unworthy.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 19, 2019, 03:12:27 AM
Quote
So, today was better than yesterday, but still a bit rough. I woke up 3 or 4 times throughout the night, terrified of something... I'm not sure what....

Sometimes when I would reveal something here (or to a friend), I would experience what I call an "overshare hangover", an emotional hangover - not a flashback, just a deep sense of guilt and shame for talking about my past. I was wondering if maybe this is why you had trouble sleeping, because you'd shared something with us. I might be off base but I thought I'd suggest it. Best wishes to you and thanks for posting.  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 19, 2019, 04:39:42 AM
Quote
A big part of the problem is that I literally have such difficulty speaking when trying to admit something like this. My thoughts kind of go blank, and no words come.

I can relate to this so much. I used to think it was just me, but reading posts on here, it seems to be quite common. There's a section in The Body Keeps The Score about how trauma affects speech, which made a lot of sense to me. I found that writing things down definitely helped.  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 19, 2019, 11:53:51 PM
ThreeRoses: Thank you for mentioning this. You're probably right. I've been trying to ignore this whole CPTSD thing for the last year or so, but that's really not helping it get better. I do want to get better... at least better than I am now. It does mean looking back in to all the nasty stuff though.



Snowdrop: Its nice to be alone, though I wish it wasn't common. I don't remember very clearly, but I know I did read that part and made a page with a passage quoted on it in big letters (explaining I couldn't speak and its common in trauma victims), which I would take and give to the crisis counselors when I went to see them. They were nice and just sat with me until I could somewhat speak again.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 20, 2019, 01:01:00 AM
Its been quite an experience writing this all out. I've carried this inside of me all my life. Just me, all alone. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm looking for some compassion, or sympathy. Maybe I'm looking for someone to relate. I think at least I'm looking for some validation... that its okay for me to feel traumatized by these events. I keep trying to tell myself it doesn't matter what others think though. I'm really scared to share this, but I'm trying to do it as a step towards healing. If anyone ends up reading all this, thank you so much. At least you took the time to read my story.



TW: Death, Religion, PV, ... not sure what all to put here. I don't really know what's "bad enough" to deserve a TW. A lot of this stuff, I don't know of anyone else going through, so I don't know how it should be handled.



From what I can remember, it all started when I was 3 years old. My baby sister (an infant) had pneumonia and she was at the hospital. They told us that they were taking care of her, and everything would be fine, so we went out for dinner. Well, everything was not fine, and my dad got a call while we were out, informing him that she had passed. Apparently, sometimes, infants have a harder time dealing with things than is expected, and they just give up and die.  They called it SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). So, this is how I learned about death. M had to explain to me why I would never see my sister again. After she finished, I tried to say something encouraging... along the lines of "at least we can remember her". She told me that it didn't matter anyway, because I was too young and would forget. Even though I told her I would always remember, her mind was made up. As you might imagine, I didn't take learning about death this way very well, and started to have nightmares.

I didn't know it at the time, but M entered a major depressive episode resulting from the loss of her daughter. F worked full time, and went to school, so he was home maybe for about 6 hours a day, and slept for all of them. What I did know is that the house was always dark and quiet, M spent most of her time in her room. Usually she just made Kraft Dinner, or something else simple. Sometimes I just ate cereal, because I could get that out of the cupboard myself. Occasionally, she would make a proper meal. I didn't like her cooking though, which always got me in trouble. I was told to eat it or eat nothing, so usually, I ate nothing. Nothing was a lot easier on my stomach.

These nightmares really scared me though, so I would often go crawl in to bed with M. It helped a bit to be there with her. Soon, though, she made it clear that she was tired of me bothering her. I guess she decided that the best approach was "tough love", and made me go back to my room and stay there. She did tell me though, when I had a bad dream and felt scared, that I should just pray, and god would help me feel better. I tried that for a long time, but it didn't work. I kept having the nightmares, every single night, and I woke up scared, every single night. It was difficult for me to understand why. I was told god was perfect, loved us all, wanted the best for us, and would help when we asked. The only conclusion I could come to, was that there was something so wrong with me, that god didn't even care. After only a few nights of being turned away by M, I realized that no one was going to help me, and I was in it alone. So, throughout the rest of this, try to keep in mind that those nightmares continued, every single night, for well over 10 years. They ruined my entire childhood, and no one really even knew it was happening. I think this was the worst, because it went on so regularly, and for such a long period of time. I hated going to bed, I hated sleeping, because I knew what was waiting for me.

However, after a couple of years it was time for me to start school. Of course my fanatic parents sent me to a private religious school, but it was still such a positive change to be away from home, and see other people. During the day with my friends and teachers, I could mostly forget about night time. As it turns out, I had a lot of charisma, and made a great leader. Unfortunately, it was a bit misdirected at such a young age, and at times I led the other children in things we knew we shouldn't be doing. Of course, most times, we ended up getting caught, and I accepted the blame I was due. One day, in the first grade, when I got home, M was mad at me for causing trouble. I got angry and repeated a bad word I had heard some of the other kids use on the playground. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew you weren't supposed to let the adults hear you say it.

Well, that was the last straw. I was getting in to trouble at school, and cursing at my mother. Clearly this school was a horrible place, and I would be doomed to eternal hellfire if I continued to attend. So, M got me taken out of school. Good bye escape from home, good bye friends, good bye charisma and personality. Her plan was to teach me herself, to make sure it was done right... which she did, for a couple of years. Mostly, I remember just reading and teaching myself everything (at least she did get me work books). Some years later, my parents split, M went to work, as well as F, and I literally had no one to teach me. I had to learn myself, and teach my younger sisters. My education suffered greatly. Not only in general, but I had absolutely no schooling in physical activities/gym, foreign languages, art, not to mention missing out on all the social lessons on the playground. It was just me, leading my sisters through another day. Eventually I wrote a high school equivalency test, as M demanded I be allowed to try... even though I was quite a bit behind, I did manage to pass. She knew I would be fine, I had always been smart. I guess she thought that made it all okay.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I was (acted/spoke/named) very different when I was alone compared to when M/other adults were around. If I didn't act perfectly in public, I would be punished later on. So I learned to act as I was expected to when any adults were around, no matter how I felt. I've never been able to be myself unless I'm alone. This split was so strongly forced on to me. Even to this day I have been unable to act freely. The bizarre thing is, I talk to M every Sunday, and she has no idea about any of this. She thinks we have a good relationship, and everything is fine. The sad thing is, it wasn't that hard for me to split myself like that. I already knew that no one really cared about me, because every night I had the nightmares, and I was alone dealing with it. Just like no one wanted to hear about my sleep troubles, no one cared what I was really like. They just wanted to see what looked good to them. Every night I made it through the nightmares. Making it through the falseness around others was far easier.

When I was 12, I started delivering newspapers to make some money for myself. Unfortunately, almost all of that money went towards helping out with the groceries and other bills. After a while, one paper route wasn't enough, and so I got others, working 6-8 hours a day to pay my parent's bills. I could do this, because I didn't go to school. How convenient for them.

With my parents being religious fanatics, of course corporal punishment was meted out regularly. They took the "spoil the rod, spare the child" verse very literally. Today, I feel horrible about the thought of anyone beating a child. But I feel so much worse about how much they had me brainwashed. At one point, I had found a nice piece of wood. It was about the right size/shape to be used for punishment, and so I took it, and decorated it with my wood burning kit. I was so happy that my parents were proud of me, for contributing to "improving myself". I can't write more on this topic, I'm starting to feel nauseous, but you get the point.

A little after I turned 12, those night mares I had every night progressed in to sleep paralysis. Well, after almost 10 years of constant night mares, I was about as comfortable with them as you can get, while being terrified every night. Sleep paralysis was a whole new beast though. This was physical. I had no idea that it was connected, and I thought something must be very wrong with me, physically speaking. So, I made the mistake of asking my parents for help. Well, of course, their answer was more praying... but not just any praying. They gathered a group from the church, held me down, and exorcised that demon right out of me. Of course, that only made me feel worse, and the night terrors and sleep paralysis continued on. You're supposed to tell your children that monsters aren't real, and they can't hurt you. My parents told me that they were real, spiritual, demonic creatures, which had direct mental and physical control over my life. I tried my best to be a good god-fearing person, just like my parents, but I was never good enough for god to help me. Every day this ate at me, and every time I asked for any help, especially in spiritual matters, it was reinforced that I just wasn't good enough, because it never really helped much.

When I was 16, my parents had split, and I lived with the one who I was least angry at, at that time. No surprise now, but for reasons I didn't understand then, I had extreme over production of adrenaline. I was afraid of my temper, I knew full well I was a danger to myself and others. One night I brought a date home, and M called her a whore to her face. I was so furious that I left and didn't go back, for fear of what I would do. Shortly after, F found himself a new woman and they were getting pretty close. I told him I had too much going on, and I couldn't handle a new family right now. So he decided to move in with her and her kids, and told me I could stay where I was. This triggered my first major depressive episode (that I can remember at least). I really should have been hospitalized, but like it had been every night, no one cared; no one even knew. I honestly don't know how I lived through it. I don't know what or how I ate. I remember laying in bed for days. After 6 months or so, I moved in with a friend. This is about when the nightmares paused for a while. They came back later.



So, that's childhood as I remember... there's more as an adult, but that's enough for now.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 20, 2019, 01:07:17 AM
P.S. I probably shouldn't have to say this here, but just in case: Please don't give me anything along the lines of  "you're wrong about god" or "god loves you anyway". I've heard that from almost anyone, and I really don't want to hear it anymore. There's a time and place for religious talk, but this isn't it. Thanks.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 20, 2019, 02:59:43 AM
Jazzy - I am aghast at how disconnected your "parents" were! It makes me so sad and angry to think of you or anyone having to weather childhood alone and without proper guidance.

Your parents were abusive in their treatment of you. There is no excuse for that.

Your parents sound a lot like mine, by the way (minus the totally misguided, abusive religious rites that no child should have to endure); I hope that at least lets you know you're not alone. Your background was horrendous, but I'm glad you survived it and I am so glad you are here.  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Tee on August 20, 2019, 04:34:28 AM
 :hug: jazzy besides being taken out of school.  My story is very similar to yours.  Instead of a little sister dying. 
TW
It was my best friend when I was 6 and I was told by my mom I should be happy for her she in heaven.  And then beaten to the point I couldn't sit for days when the school called to her I was crying the whole day at school after she died.
End TW

My NM was a "minister" or pastor.  So I feel your pain.  And I too was told to pray but help never came and no one ever cared not even God. 

I'm sorry you struggled so and split to survive.  I did that too.  I'm not sure how or why I'm still here?   :hug:. Thanks for sharing your story.  I know some of your pain you are not alone. :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 20, 2019, 04:39:29 AM
Jazzy, I read your journal, and you have every right to feel traumatised. You were treated disgracefully. It was abusive and neglectful, and you didn't deserve any of it. :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 20, 2019, 10:49:16 PM
Thank you so much for the positive replies everyone. It is a huge relief, and I appreciate the support more than I could ever say. Beyond that, I'm still very worked up about this. My body has been keeping the score today for sure. I'll get back to this when I hurt less, and can think more clearly.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Tee on August 21, 2019, 12:46:13 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Just Hatched on August 21, 2019, 05:16:19 AM
Hello Jazzy  :wave:

I'm only part way through your journal so far, but wanted to comment on a few things I particularly relate to.

Quote
So, I read a couple of the other shorter journals here for the first time ever, and now I feel like I'm doing this all wrong... I'm not being emotional or connected enough, on and on, but I think it is just part of the shame that I feel in pretty much everything I do.

I have the same problem when comparing anything I do, with how others may do it. If I'm doing something different in any way, its wrong. For me, this goes right back to my childhood, when my controlling parents wanted everything done exactly as they would do it. The way you write is a perfect expression of your unique self, and I'm relating to much of what you write. So please keep going.

Quote
...On the other hand though, eating and sleeping are just basic requirements of life, and "doing them right" is something I imagine never even crosses a normal person's mind... so there's still a long way to go.

There was a time in my life when these basics rarely crossed my mind, but I was living unconsciously and dysfunctionally, they were part of my childhood programming. Since starting this healing journey, everything has been broken down, including sleeping and eating, along with everything most normal people don't think about. I think, being able to do the basics of life, consciously, mindfully is a step beyond doing them as part of an unconscious program, especially if other parts of that program contain harmful patterns. Taking care of ourselves with these healthy basics is an important foundation for the rest of our lives. I congratulate myself each day when I have taken care of myself in these simple ways.

Quote
So I guess this is where exposure therapy comes in to the picture. My psychiatrist seems to think that the answer is that simple. Afraid of going outside? Just go outside more.

Hmm! From my personal experience and understanding, psychiatrists are not very good at understanding people, or the conditions they diagnose and their treatments are generally drug based, although it wasn't always like this. I believe exposure therapy works best for simple phobias, certainly not CPTSD. It hasn't helped me at all, and in fact has made me worse at times, causing more stress and trauma at the re-exposure to multiple triggers.

Quote
Anyway, the whole point to this is that it isn't really about me going outside. Its about encountering another person. Sure, I get lonely and need companionship like anyone else, sometimes desperately so... but it turns out that my most common trigger is a person. Nothing specific at all, being human is enough. What brought this whole rant up is that I caught myself hiding today, because my neighbour walked past the window when I was in view of it. So, clearly I don't feel very safe, even in the house.

Boy, do I relate to this, and I have a similar issue with my neighbor, who is actually a very nice man who cuts my grass for me. I have new neighbors across the street now, a new house was built and its made life more complicated. I have to time going out, with when they are not outside, so I don't have to encounter them. It just feels so uncomfortable encountering other people, when there is even the slightest expectation of interaction. I don't understand this, but please know, you are not alone.

I'm going to continue reading your journal now, thank you for sharing your journey.  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 21, 2019, 11:48:49 PM
Thank you again for the positive replies everyone. It has really helped me feel less alone, and more accepting of myself.



ThreeRoses: Sorry to hear we had similar backgrounds. I really wish no one else had to go through this sort of thing. I'm glad you survived and are here too. I guess we both got something right. :)



Tee: Its so horrible to go through losing someone like that at such a young age and being physically abused on top of it. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know I lost more than a sister, and you more than a friend. I'm doing my best to hold back a lot of hate, but is also so difficult coming from a minister. It really adds another whole dimension on top of it. I'm not sure the details of it, but my F went through schooling to be a minister, but wasn't fully licensed? Something like that. Anyway, I still really struggle with the split thing. Have you found any help or been able to make peace with it?



Hi Just Hatched! Thanks for reading through, and your reply. I would say you are right on all accounts. Thank you for the encouragement and insight. I don't like my psychiatrist very much, but  it is very difficult to get one here, and he signs the prescription and papers I need. He's also not the worst one in the area. =\ I hope things get better with your new neighbours. I have new neighbours too, that's why I was hiding. They've been here about a month but I haven't met them yet.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 21, 2019, 11:52:03 PM
So, not as badly overwhelmed and hurting today. That's a good thing. I feel somewhat guilty for being selfish though, and writing all my stuff here. I feel like I have less compassion now, because I'm dealing with my own stuff. I wish I could handle more. Anyway, I think I need to give it time, and just do my best.

It's really hard to wait and let time take its course. I guess that's pretty common for us though.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 22, 2019, 04:40:44 AM
I totally agree that it's difficult to wait. Makes me feel like  ???
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Phoebes on August 22, 2019, 02:18:41 PM
Jazzy, I can so relate to most experiences you shared here here, and the ones that are different than mine, I can definitely understand. I feel so angry and sad for little Jazzy- that you weren't safe, ever. It's a hard pill to swallow when we start putting all these pieces together, isn't it? I'm sorry this is something you now have to deal with.

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby sister, and that you had no support over it. What is mind boggling is it seems your mom, although legitimately depressed, made it all about her. (I'm so well-familiar with this). How could it not occur to these mothers that their child has needs, has feelings, has memories? And then becoming so sadistic.

I don't know if this helps, but I've been kind of geeking out on youtube lectures of Bessel VanDerKolk and Gabor Mate, about the mind body connection, and the effects of trauma, and how to heal this or at least make it better..it's fascinating stuff, and brings to light why some of these things have affected me the way they have. It makes perfect sense and helps me feel more "normal".

Something interesting- I have been to many types of doctors, western and traditional, chiropractors, massage, acupuncture, orthopedic, herbs, meds, etc..for an ongoing long term neck and shoulder issue that was pretty intense. I thought I must have injured myself playing sports. As SOON, and I mean to the day, that I went NC with NM, it went away, never to return. I simply have no neck or shoulder issues anymore.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 22, 2019, 11:23:21 PM
Thanks Phoebes. Its nice to hear that you understand, and feel for me. That's a really foreign concept to me. Its probably not a good thing, but I still feel bad for M. I can't seem to break it. Thanks for those names, I'll have to make a point of looking in to it. I take pain meds daily for my back, but it has obvious physical problems. The other joint pains and tinnitus though, don't really seem to have a physical reason, so maybe its a part of that mind-body connection.



So, I'm not really sure how I should be feeling right now. Day to day, I'm doing pretty well compared to my past. I'm sleeping through the night, and eating 3 times a day. So I feel kind of comfortable with that for the most part. On the other hand, I hide inside every day, all day, and I still get anxious about one of the neighbours seeing me (I do still run out for my coffee though. I go early, before most others around here are awake).

Today, I thought again about how much I would like to be able to sing well. That's really tough to do for a few reasons. I'm so shy and quiet to start with, the tinnitus makes it difficult to hear different pitches properly, and not being in school, I didn't really learn any music lessons. Its easier for me to think of music like math/physics, and that mostly works for instruments (though makes it boring), but not so much for vocals. Of course, the biggest problem being that I'm so anxious hiding in the house, going out for lessons wouldn't work out at all.

I didn't plan on writing all this stuff from my childhood out, and when I did, I had a big reaction... but besides that I feel pretty numb about all this. Mostly I just feel bad for M, but I also feel like a failure for feeling that way. I should be worried about me and trying to heal. I guess its just easier to ignore it all instead of dealing with it. I'm really not sure what else to do though. The "little" problems have mostly cleared up, and I feel powerless to make any progress on fixing the "big" problems.

Maybe I should stop feeling guilty for feeling numb? I don't know. I do want to improve more though.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 22, 2019, 11:32:09 PM
Just read Blueberry's latest post, and it is amazing how I always feel fine with settling for so little. I can still improve so much more. Now that I can sleep and eat, I'm not all fixed, but I am able to take on more recovery work. Still not quite sure what that would be and how to go about it though.

Thanks for the inspiration Blueberry! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 23, 2019, 11:23:02 PM
Just rolled some thoughts around today, trying to come up with some ideas of what I can do. Maybe I can get back in touch with a couple of organizations I contacted some years ago. Its about a 2 year wait time to get anything though, who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe this time it will work better because I'm more stable now? I'll keep it in mind.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 25, 2019, 11:07:26 PM
TW: Gun violence

First of all, I was just reading all these posts on the forum here about dreams and how not resting during your sleep and napping during the day is a known sign of trauma. I'm feeling angry that no one told me this 5-10 years ago. It would have made things a lot easier to deal with knowing what I was actually up against, instead of thinking I was just strange/weird/broken. Just another example of what a failure my psychiatrist and other healthcare professionals in this area really are. Anyway, with that said I'll try to let it go. I don't really like being angry, and I don't think it is going to be valuable at all.

Over the last few days, I've been leaving the dining room windows open as a small step towards being connected with the outside world. Hearing outside noises louder, including people, has raised my baseline anxiety for sure, but its still quite tolerable. Last night was really difficult, as someone was setting off firecrackers and had me wake in a full blown panic twice. I didn't sleep too well after that and was up extra early this morning.

I've been thinking about this today, and this evening I realize that I've never put much thought in to it before. I just assumed everyone was terrified and panicked when woken from their sleep by an explosion. Maybe they're not though, was my thought this evening. The thing is, its not so much the explosion/noise itself that bothers me (well, it probably does, wake in terror like most of my life, but its not the worst). Every time I think they are gunshots, and that is what upsets me so much.

So I was thinking, why do I assume every loud noise is a gunshot, and why does it bother me to such an extreme. It could be a few things. One year when I went on vacation, the authorities raided a known drug location, which was nearby enough that to wake me up to the sound of automatic gunfire. I learned what had happened on the news the next day, but I'm not sure that is really the source of the problem.

I've had a gun pulled on me a few times, which is a terrifying experience in its own right. So that's maybe what scares me. But I think I finally uncovered the real reason that I had been blocking out. When I was a kid (around 10 years old), I was shot at point blank range in the leg.  Thankfully it was a blank, but the feeling of the gun touching my skin, the loud explosive noise and clicking when it fired was all too real. I remember literally jumping about 5 feet across the room.

My ICr keeps telling me that because my leg didn't get torn apart by a real bullet it doesn't really count, but I don't think that's true. I was still shot with a real * gun when I was a child. It seems to be the most logical reason of why I react so strongly to loud unexpected noises. ICr also thinks I'm stupid because gun violence is such a textbook thing to be triggered about, and I shouldn't let "common" things bother me. I feel so weak to be traumatized by so many things (as outlined previously) that "shouldn't bother me that much".
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on August 26, 2019, 12:39:17 AM
I've had a gun pulled on me a few times, which is a terrifying experience in its own right. So that's maybe what scares me. But I think I finally uncovered the real reason that I had been blocking out. When I was a kid (around 10 years old), I was shot at point blank range in the leg.  Thankfully it was a blank, but the feeling of the gun touching my skin, the loud explosive noise and clicking when it fired was all too real. I remember literally jumping about 5 feet across the room.

Jazzy, that sounds terrifying and very traumatic. Nothing common at all about gun violence.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 26, 2019, 03:04:01 AM
I don't think that's weak. You have every right to feel traumatised. It sounds terrifying!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on August 26, 2019, 05:03:32 AM
I believe the incident you shared is MORE than enough to qualify as traumatic! I would expect any child or adult to be traumatized by being shot in the leg, whether or not the gun was real! Gun violence is outside the norm. You are not weak to be affected by it.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 26, 2019, 11:18:41 PM
Notalone, Snowdrop, Three Roses, thank you all for the support. I really appreciate that. I still struggle with ICr so much, but it is really helpful to have your support. I think it is more than ICr though. Not only did M have unrealistically super human expectations of me, but I took that on myself as well. Basically, I was a parent to my sisters, when I was a child. I had to look after them and make sure they were okay. I had to teach them and make sure they completed their assignments... and when no adults were around, I had to be the leader as the older brother.

I really feel like it is not okay for me to have any sort of PTSD. There is probably a lot more to it than I realize. I don't know why I have such a cognitive dissonance about this. I know what I've been through, I know the affect it has had on me, I know how I struggle with the symptoms every day, and have for many years. What I don't know, is how to make peace with this fact.

I'm not feeling too great this evening (I want to hide from some things that are causing me tension), but I had a good morning, and I wanted to explain that I see it as a major victory. This morning, I went grocery shopping. Leaving the house is usually pretty tough, but I got out the door without too much trouble. I actually enjoyed my walk to/from the store. When I was at the store, there was a lady there who was angrily shouting in to her phone almost the entire time. Not only did I hold it together, but I felt far less stressed about it than I was expecting. I mostly wondered who she was talking to like that, wondered what it must be like to talk that way in public, and hoped everyone involved had a better rest of the day.

So emotionally speaking, inside where it really counts, I did far better today than expected, given the circumstances. I'm really relieved by that, and I think all the work I did yesterday and writing it all out here helped with that. Keeping the window open is probably helping as well. I also used this peaceful feeling this morning to call the bank and order a replacement card (mine is getting old and worn, not always working properly), which I have been avoiding for months now. So yay!  ;D
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 27, 2019, 03:32:27 AM
Your morning sounds like progress.  :applause:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 27, 2019, 10:50:23 PM
Thanks Snowdrop, it sure was! :)



So, I made caramelized onions with dinner tonight for the first time in years. They tasted really good, so I'm glad I went through with it. It was really difficult though. Cooking new things is rough on my anxiety, it takes me to a mild panic level. I used to like cooking, but not so much anymore... too much anxiety.

5 - 10 years ago I was pretty much a writeoff, couldn't do anything to take care of myself. Probably should have been hospitalized (again), but that never happened. The point is that I didn't really cook anything during that time period. Things started getting better after I moved (old landlord was literally a convicted slumlord in 2 countries, so you can imagine how bad things got), except I had the worst neighbour. Every day he would blast music so loud you could hear it at the end of the street. Even with the windows closed I could hear the words it was so loud. This guy was always angry too; always yelling and screaming and cursing about something. He used to go off on me whenever I tried to cook, because he could smell the food cooking and he didn't like it. We're both the same ethnicity, so its not even a different culture problem, just him being verbally abusive.

This really messed me up inside. Whenever I pushed myself to try to take care of myself better by cooking a healthy meal, I was yelled at. It made me feel like I wasn't allowed / wasn't safe to eat a proper meal. Thankfully he is gone now, but I still struggle with the anxiety. Its annoying because I'm not actually afraid of the guy, its just an instinct/reaction. Anxiety has taken over my life in a lot of ways, and I really wish I could get it back. I'm not sure how, but hopefully before I get too much older it will get better.

I am a bit concerned with how I feel about this guy though. When I first started remembering how he acted, I just assumed I was angry at him. I'm not, but in some ways I wish I was. Anger passes pretty quickly for me now (yay mood stabilizers!). But I just don't care about this guy, at all. I try to be a compassionate person, and generally give every one a big benefit of the doubt. I try to live by that old idea that we're all basically good people at heart (I probably shouldn't, but that would be a huge personality change). I just automatically feel some compassion for anyone, I guess because we're all the same species, or something like that... but not this guy. If something bad happened to him, I'm sure my first thought would be "Well, now the world's a better place".

Anyway, I'm not really sure what a healthy feeling would be, but I'll try to keep it from going too far. We don't have to be nice to people who abuse us like that, right? I'm just glad he is gone out of my life now.

But, to end on a happy note, yay for caramelized onions, and nothing going wrong while cooking! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 28, 2019, 03:48:48 AM
Hooray for caramelized onions! Sound yummy.  ;D

I think it's perfectly OK to not care about an abusive neighbour who was making you anxious. He sounds awful, and I'm glad he's no longer your neighbour.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 28, 2019, 10:48:29 PM
I've been really stressed lately. Not sleeping well, and that cooking was really hard on me. I'm going to try taking it easy for a few days.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on August 29, 2019, 06:35:45 AM
That sounds like a very good idea. Sending you a :hug: if that helps.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on August 30, 2019, 02:40:40 AM
 :cheer: for calling the bank and for making caramelized onions. Sounds like those were big steps for you so makes sense that you are tired. Glad you are taking it easy for a few days.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on August 31, 2019, 11:38:37 PM
Still not sleeping too well, but besides that I'm mostly doing alright, although I haven't really managed to relax. Something upsetting is always coming to mind.

I'm not sure why, but I'm really zoned out tonight... just sitting here staring; dissociating I guess. I wish I knew why. Maybe its a minor depressive episode. Basically, I feel nothing, not even frustrated over being so disconnected right now. Anyway, I'm sure it will be better tomorrow.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 01, 2019, 07:30:58 AM
Hi Jazzy,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 01, 2019, 11:43:55 PM
Thank you Hope, that is great!  :hug:



Last night's mood, did indeed pass. I woke up a few times throughout the night, but I wasn't feeling a lot of panic like I usually do, so that was very nice. Today was mostly just weekend chores and house work. Talked with M a bit today on the phone. It was mostly alright. I was quiet as usual. She did most of the talking. It seems to make her happy, and she's about the only person in the world who will talk to me for half an hour. So, at least it is someone.

I'm still stressed, but I can't really put my finger on why. I really miss feeling peaceful, though I am glad it is no worse. Its raining out this evening, I really like listening to the sound of the rain.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 02, 2019, 07:13:55 AM
These things sound like progress  :cheer:.

Just a thought, but is it possible that feeling stressed might be an EF? I thought I'd ask in case it's helpful.  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 02, 2019, 11:09:37 PM
Thanks Snowdrop, I think you are right. Actually, I think I know what has been bothering me. It seems obvious now, but it never is easy to figure out in the moment.

Because I have been doing so much better (for me) lately, I have put expectations on myself to take some next steps in my healing journey. When I say much better, I am talking about being able to sleep through the night (mostly) and eating 3 meals a day. Those were big goals of mine, which I had given up hope I would be able to do. Now I am meeting those goals, so I want to push further and see how else I can improve, and what else I can do.

I keep thinking that I should see a therapist to help me, probably because my psychiatrist says I need to, in order to get better, and it seems to help quite a lot of people. My experiences with seeing a therapist have been not so great. Lately, I have been blaming myself, thinking that I did not tell them I had CPTSD, and so they did not know to work within the appropriate boundaries.

In particular, I have been thinking about an organization here that provides therapy specifically for trauma survivors. I would think that if anyone would "get things right", it would be them. This organization was recommended by my psychiatrist as well. I contacted them some years ago, but they have a waiting list which is about 2 years long. In the past I was nowhere near healthy enough to be able to follow through with something over that period of time. I'm not even sure I can now.

One problem is transportation. I'm not allowed to drive, and it is too far to walk, so I would have to take the bus. The problem with that is, they are located right across the street from the local university, so the buses are constantly filled to overflowing with students. Certainly would be very difficult to deal with. I think I'd be too much of an emotional wreck just getting to the location.

Another problem is that they seem to not be sensitive to trauma survivors at all. The first time I called, they said they have to ask a few questions. Going through the personal details was fine, talking about diagnoses I was given was a lot more difficult, but I managed to get through it. Then they started asking "Have you ever been in a situation where...", then naming one traumatic event after the next. It felt like such a long list, an endless assault of traumatic memories dug up and thrown in my face. I was fully dissociated long before the list was finished, I don't really know how the rest of the call went.

It was a really terrible experience, by the so called specialists. I just want to improve myself. I was thinking of calling them again, because that's what I'm being told is the right thing to do... but I really don't think it is. The way they handle things just reinforces my belief that the way mental health is handled around here isn't really for people with serious problems, but more for those who need a social activity and some people to talk with. I'm not looking for tea time, I'm trying to hold together the pieces of a shattered life and get through it the best I can. I really wish these people had a floor day - just one, so they would know what it is like, and how much they need to improve the help they offer.

So, I guess I need to make peace with this:  Because attempting to work with this organization will cause a lot more harm than good (at least to begin with, as it has already been demonstrated), they are not the right choice for me. Now I just need to get ICr to stop blaming myself, and hopefully I can move on.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 04, 2019, 12:14:41 AM
So, currently triggered over (what I hope was) fireworks just a few minutes ago. Instant panic, and its hard not to think the worst. I know it was labor day yesterday, so they are probably just left overs. I am fine when it is expected and a decent number, but just a few really makes me wonder.



I slept in a few hours late today, probably to make up for the poor/disturbed sleep over the past week. While I wish I didn't sleep so long, I take it as a sign I'm more relaxed now. I've been a bit less stressed since last nights realization. There are still a couple of other unrelated things that are bothering me... mostly about a couple of companies trying to cheat me out of money. I really wish it was easier to stand up against blatantly illegal commercial behaviour. That's the world we live in I guess.

Anyway, feeling better about deciding not to call that organization again and trying to focus on that.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 04, 2019, 05:07:38 AM
I don't like unexpected fireworks either.

I'm glad you're feeling better. It does sound as though you had some sleep to catch up on.

I think I would have felt triggered by that organisation too. It makes me wonder if they are used to dealing with people who have ptsd, but not cptsd.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 04, 2019, 11:49:34 PM
Yeah, that was probably it. I guess there can be a big difference sometimes.



My anxiety is high this evening... high enough my hands are shaking. On Monday I have a medical apt, but they left me a message yesterday saying they can't verify my coverage. I've already called to confirm my coverage, left a message, but no answer yet. The thing is though, that it is covered by govt. so I'm 120% sure the coverage is fine (I also verified it before booking the apt). I guess they just don't know what they're doing to charge it properly.

Anyway, with 48 hour cancellation policy, that means I need to either get it straightened out, or cancel the appointment tomorrow. Either way, I'm going to have to start a confrontation with someone, which has me upset.  :disappear: If I do end up cancelling, I'll have to go elsewhere, which means waiting for a new apt, then more travel, which I'd rather not do.

I've basically been stuck on this all day. Hopefully it gets resolved tomorrow so I can move on.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 05, 2019, 08:12:40 AM
 :hug: to you Jazzy, I hope that things will turn out ok for your appointment. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 05, 2019, 11:28:05 PM
Thank you Hope. I took sedatives today and made some phone calls, but I wasn't able to actually talk with anyone (just left messages), so its all still up in the air.  :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 06, 2019, 10:39:44 PM
Talked to some people today, lots of confrontation. Basically got to the point I didn't know what I was saying or doing anymore. Finally went for a shower and just stared at the wall for a long while. Not sure how I'm supposed to deal with this. Those who are supposed to help us disabled people seem to be the worst kind of people. I guess its easy for them to walk all over us. Its disgusting, really. At least no more confrontation till next week.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 07, 2019, 03:22:00 AM
Sounds like a rough day. I hope you're able to rest and look after yourself over the weekend.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 08, 2019, 12:18:27 AM
Thanks, I've been trying not to cycle on it, but having limited success. I'm also trying not to imagine the worst, but these people are hostile and rude.

Mostly I wish that when I am treated like that, I could stay present and control what I say, and remember afterwards. Its so difficult to accomplish anything when I'm  so disconnected. If I wasn't so upset about it, I'd probably be scared. Who knows what not-me/me will do; its gotten me in trouble before.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on September 08, 2019, 11:40:21 AM
Just want to wish you all teh best with this. It sounds a really difficult situation.  :hug: if it's good for you.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 09, 2019, 07:36:47 AM
Hope it goes better this week, Jazzy. Sending you support.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 09, 2019, 10:43:44 PM
Thank you Blueberry and Snowdrop  :hug:  Today I got a message letting me know that at least someone was working on the problem, and they would update me when they had more info. So, that's great! I was expecting to have to escalate the situation to get any results. I'm really relieved it didn't come to that.



This weekend I've been feeling a lot more like I did when I was younger. It is nice having increased energy and focus, but there are downsides as well. It is more difficult to get to sleep at night, much harder to eat. I could barely keep lunch down, and dinner came back. So, I'm going to go deal with that, I just wanted to post quickly about how I've been feeling.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 11, 2019, 11:20:30 PM
Feeling pretty much the same. Its hard to set time aside for doing things. I'm getting really caught up in whatever I'm doing and losing track of time. I've been keeping food down, but eating less. Maybe that's a good thing. We'll see.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 14, 2019, 06:42:02 PM
Hi Jazzy,
Glad you're able to keep the food down.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 18, 2019, 10:17:33 PM
Thanks Hope, I appreciate it.  :hug:

I've been feeling out of control lately. I'm mostly depressed, always feeling tired, even though I sleep a lot. Its so difficult to get anything accomplished. It has really interfered with my daily routines (like posting on here, and sleeping/eating properly), which is very frustrating. I hope it passes soon.

I also hope everyone else is doing alright. Sorry I haven't been posting much, I'm not really communicating with anyone right now. :(
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 21, 2019, 12:56:07 AM
Feeling not quite as bad today, but still feeling almost dazed and wondering what I am/should be doing. Also feeling somewhat lonely. I've had a couple good social experiences today, but feel bad because I'm always rushing them to be over. I wish I didn't do that so much. Although, I guess it makes sense, because I feel really uncomfortable with another person talking to me. Only afterwards do I realize how well it went.

On the plus side, I used this time in which anxiety/panic isn't bothering me to make some difficult phone calls. I'm still trying to figure out medical coverage for my appointment. It took about 8 calls, but finally someone is looking in to it again. Hopefully it will be cleared up next week.

From what I've read, I'm not the only one, but it feels like this weekend is going to be long and drag on. I'm not sure what I'll do to pass the time, and I don't feel that basic security/safety/okay-ness.

Hoping things improve tomorrow.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 21, 2019, 03:43:22 AM
i hope things get better for you asap, jazzy.  i hate being in a funk like that - sometimes it seems like it's going to drag on and on, and then it's over.  such a weird dynamic, but i have no doubt you'll get thru it sooner rather than later.  hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you.  i got my flu shot today, so i've got that funk thing going on right now.  ugh!

one thing i absolutely hate are those phone calls.  good for you for getting thru them and on the right track!!!   :applause:

sending love and a hug filled with support and caring.   :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 21, 2019, 11:49:04 PM
Thank you sanmagic. Its a really basic thing, but it is helpful to hear that it will end. A lot of the time it seems like it will stay this way forever. I think today is a bit better than yesterday, which was a  bit better than the day before, so I'm happy for progress. I hope you feel better from your flu shot soon. I'm not exactly sure what that is like. Don't tell anyone, but I've never had a flu shot.  :whistling:



So today I watched the first video in that summit that Hope posted the link for. At first I was really resistant, partly because I'm always resistant when someone keeps trying to rope me in to paying just $x for whatever package they're offering. A big part of it was that as soon as I heard her speak, it reminded me so much of M. M is the fakest person I know. She lives in her own little delusional world, where she's wildly successful and well off, when she is neither in reality. Later in the day I was trying to figure out why this bothered me so much about M, and I guess its because that you can't have a real relationship with someone like that. You certainly can't have a good relationship with someone like that, who will use and abuse anyone and everyone to keep their little fantasy as intact as possible in their mind. Anyway, I'm sure this lady is not nearly as bad as M, but it was difficult to get past.

Her guest however, was really nice to listen to. First of all, it was amazing hearing someone talk who actually knew about dealing with trauma, compared to all the therapists I've seen who ... really don't have a clue about trauma specific therapy. It makes me feel hope, not so much for me, but for others, that at least some people out there are good therapists. It was really informative for me. I didn't really know anything about the IFS. It was helpful to hear some examples of what was involved with that.

As I wrote before, I didn't believe I had any of these parts. Now that I know what they are, I'm trying to make peace with that idea. I never have thought of them as part of me, but they are there, and they aren't part of someone else, so they must be part of me. Its amazing to me how fully disconnected I am from them, though. Maybe that means there's a big opportunity for healing; at least I hope so. But for now, just trying to get used to the idea they even really exist within me.



Anyway, for just a bit of silliness:
I loved these marquees in the 90s!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 22, 2019, 06:20:02 PM
Hi Jazzy,
Just wanted to pop by and say that I'm glad that you were able to watch that talk, and that you found it nice to listen to him.
Wishing you the best for this week.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 23, 2019, 12:49:53 AM
Thank you Hope. I'm glad you stopped by! Have a great week yourself. :)



So today I stayed in bed until about 11:30, just felt too depressed to get up. After that though, I managed to make it through the day, so huzzah for that. I even washed and dried some laundry, and swept a bit.

I also talked with M today. Its been a few weeks, so it went on for a while. She says she worries about me and wants to help, so that's nice. But then she went on for half an hour about how she was going to make everything better. To me, her plan did not seem in the realm of possibility, and I was concerned about how she stays in her own little world, believing things like that. I was just dissociating through most of it, a common thing when I talk with M.

It leaves me with a lot of mixed feelings. Its nice to have someone to talk to, but it also takes a lot out of me. I imagine it can't be all that good for me either, with all the dissociating I do through it. I'm not sure how to deal with it better though, I just kind of shut down.

I also listened to the talk on the trauma summit when I woke up. It was good, I'm glad I watched it. However, it really highlights the fact that I'm not currently receiving any therapy, or really anything else that will help me. I'm going to make some inquiries to see if I can work something out, but I haven't had much success with what I can afford. Hopefully something works out.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2019, 01:18:35 AM
good luck to you with your search for a t - i really hope you find a good one.  i can relate - the last one i had, who said she was familiar w/ c-ptsd, i ended up firing cuz she was incompetent!   i'm just glad this forum is here.

very glad you're feeling a bit better, too.  one foot in front of the other.  it's all we can do, but it's also a lot.  every movement counts, and gets us just that little bit closer to where we want to be. 

i also related to the idea of not being familiar w/ those 'parts' of me.  i'm only beginning to do that.  it's kind of fascinating, in a way.  hope has done a lot to show me what it looks like.  best to you with all of it as you continue on.

sending love and a hug filled w/ okayness.   :hug:

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 24, 2019, 11:47:00 PM
Thank you Sanmagic. I'm following up on a new lead, but it may take a while. We'll see what happens, hopefully something good. Sorry to hear you've had trouble finding a good T as well. I'm glad this forum is here as well. I am so thankful to everyone who participates. It has been a tremendous help to me along my journey, and I'd be lost without it. Thank you everyone.  :grouphug:

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Sceal on September 25, 2019, 06:03:11 PM
I hope you find a therapist that will help you, and that can give you the right tools for you to fight the dissociation. It's a handy tool to have, but it can also be quite destructive.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 25, 2019, 11:50:42 PM
Thank you Sceal. I appreciate that. :)



Today was markedly better than the last little while. I woke up at a decent time, and although I did have a nap, I was awake and more alert over all. I have a new appointment booked for Friday, so hopefully that will finally be done with.

This evening I've been dealing with feelings of jealousy and being bitter. It seems like everyone else has so much more than me, things, money, opportunity, friends, family, help, therapy just everything. Anyway, I'm trying not to wallow, so I won't carry on about it.

Really hoping I can get some good sleep tonight and awake tomorrow morning.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 26, 2019, 11:21:11 PM
Sleeping didn't go too well. I was pretty emotional last night, though I'm not exactly sure why. I know I'm stressed about my appointment tomorrow, so hopefully after that things will calm down. I must say though, that I'm glad I'm not so depressed at the moment. It does seem I'm jumping from one extreme to the other, and not very regulated.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 27, 2019, 12:18:02 AM
hope your appt. goes well.  and, i get it about those feelings of kinda being by yourself with all this. 

stress can do that to you - make us jumpy and emotional and just messy.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you!  sending love and a hug filled w/ stability.   :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on September 27, 2019, 02:37:42 PM
Hope it goes well, Jazzy.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 27, 2019, 10:40:02 PM
Thank you Snowdrop and Sanmagic. Thanks for the stability hug, those are a lot of help.  :hug:

My appointment went pretty well. It was a bit of a struggle, but I made it through, and I had a lot of awareness about what was going on with my body and mind, so that was really great. Unfortunately, more problems with the billing, so I have to go back tomorrow and sign new papers. Hopefully that will be the last of it, again. But, for now, it is Friday night, so I'm doing my best to relax.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 28, 2019, 06:33:39 PM
Hi Jazzy,
I hope you're managing to relax, as you hoped to do on Friday night.  I know it's Saturday now, so I hope the weekend is ok.  I'm glad that your appointment went pretty well.  That's good to hear.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 29, 2019, 12:45:48 AM
Thank you Hope. The weekend has been ok.  :hug:



Today was a tricky day, but I feel really good about making it through. First of all, there was a local parade (which goes right past my house), so it was very loud, and there were so many people everywhere. I especially didn't like strangers parking in my driveway, but they left after the parade, so they were not parked for too long.

After the parade was over, I had to go get those papers signed. Again, it was a bit tricky, they had to redo a couple of things. This also involved a bit of walking in the rain. Anyway, I left the medical center in a good mood. The person working there was extremely nice about everything. The toughest part I think was being on the bus, especially with all the people today. I kept my arms crossed, kind of hugging myself, and made it through that too. The rain was pretty light, so it was actually nice. It kept me cool while I was walking.

When I was home, I decided to treat myself, for going out two days in a row, and keeping myself together both days. So I went and got a latte, and some cola to go with dinner, and some candies that I really like... and obviously I've really overdone it on the sugar today. I feel like I'm teetering on an edge. Things seem to keep going okay, so that's good, but I don't really have any confidence that they will continue to do so, and am struggling a little with the minute-to-minute in each day.

So now I have eaten the entire bag of candy. Maybe I won't sleep so well again tonight. I'm hoping that will regulate soon, and I can start sleeping through the night again. I'm not really sure what's going on with that, it feels out of my control. Just taking one day at a time. Things could be a lot worse, and I'm glad they're not. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on September 29, 2019, 02:04:46 AM
Good job going out two days in a row and keeping yourself together. A victory worth celebrating.  :fireworks:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2019, 04:13:56 PM
i know i have trouble w/ too much sugar and sleeping well.  sometimes it's like i can't help myself, and i overdo, and then pay a price.  it's getting to be less and less, thank goodness.  hopefully you'll find that soon as well.

congrats on going out, taking care of yuck paperwork (i hate that stuff), and doing it as well as you could, even w/ the sugar.  you got thru it, you'll deal with the results later, and maybe next time it'll be only half a bag instead of a whole one.  sending love and a hug filled w/ progress, not perfection!   :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on September 29, 2019, 11:29:48 PM
Thank you notalone and sanmagic!  :hug:

Quote
... progress, not perfection!

I really like this. I feel like it should be a motivational poster or something similar. They are certainly words to live by for me.



I was going to say that today was mostly uneventful, but that's not quite true. Even though I slept through the morning instead of through the night, I was feeling better this afternoon than I have in a week or so. I even sang along to some of my favourite songs I had playing today. I'm still on the emotional side, so some of it was half-crying/half-singing, but that's okay. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 30, 2019, 06:31:18 AM
i learned about 'progress, not perfection' at a 12-step meeting.  it made a lot of sense for me, too, so i'm glad to pass it along and that it was good for you, too.

i usually don't sing unless my heart is like, so i tend to look at it that way.  the idea that you could sing thru your tears shows me some happiness mixed in there, and i'm glad to hear it for you.  love and hugs, jazzy.   :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 01, 2019, 11:03:14 PM
That's very true sanmagic, thank you!

Today was F's birthday, so I sent him a text message, but haven't gotten anything back. He likes to say I love you, but not act like it. Anyway, the last couple of days have been calmer. No singing or crying or anything like that. Now that its after dinner, I am feeling somewhat low; having a hard time connecting. I didn't even get to all the posts on here. Really thinking about asking my psychiatrist for some more modern mood stabilizers, hopefully they will work better.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 03, 2019, 10:50:38 PM
I feel like I don't have a lot to say right now. I'm just kind of feeling my way through each day, not really sure what is going to happen. Its been going okay for the most part though.

I ran in to one of my new neighbours today. Its the first time he's actually said anything to me. I asked how he was doing and he said "fine, you?". That's all, but at least that's something. ICr keeps telling me he doesn't talk to me because he doesn't like me and so on, but I keep telling myself that I don't actually know that, maybe he is just shy, and/or has social difficulty as well. He hasn't been a bad neighbour at all, so I'm trying to keep it positive.  :Idunno:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 04, 2019, 01:28:15 PM
Hi Jazzy,
Just wanted to send you a hug, if that is ok  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 05, 2019, 10:42:39 PM
 :hug: of course Hope, thank you! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 07, 2019, 11:03:19 PM
I was feeling pretty good today, so I decided to go out at the last minute and get something nice for dinner. This was far more difficult than I was expecting due to anxiety. There are a lot more people around in the evening than in the morning.

No one really talked to me or anything though, so I was trying to figure out why I felt so anxious just because there were other people around. The only thing I can really think of is that there is some sort of automatic association ingrained in me from all the things I was taught as a child. Even though I don't believe that stuff any more, maybe that reaction/instinct is still there. I wish I could change it.

It really upsets me and makes me angry to think about it. Basically my parents and family taught me that pretty much everyone in the world was (potentially) possessed and controlled by evil spirits who were trying to get power over me as well. This was really reinforced with all my symptoms being blamed on demonic influences as I was growing up. Seriously though, how terrible of a person must they be to teach children that monster were real, running the world, and out to get you via everyone you see? How can they not realize this would cause problems? It really makes me angry. Especially because it was so overpowering for me. I wasn't allowed to go to school or anything like that, I lived in this environment all day, every day, with no escape.

I just want to make the point that I've been fairly calm the last few days, but I am really emotional about this. I would say around 8 of 10, maybe 9, it is taking over my thoughts and affecting my evening routine.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on October 08, 2019, 02:38:33 AM
Jazzy, absolutely horrible the way you were raised. I hear your anger. Makes sense that your feeling upset is at an 8 or 9. Sending you care.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 08, 2019, 05:11:42 AM
I agree with notalone. Terrible way of being raised! It is good, I think, that you are able to be angry with them!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 08, 2019, 10:23:36 PM
Thank you notalone and Sceal.

This is a difficult topic for me still. I've only recently really started coming to terms with it, and I have mixed and confusing feelings. Part of it is guilt, and there's a lot connected with that, but I'm trying to bring myself to a point where I can feel like I should have been treated better, without feeling guilty.

Another part of it, is that anger like this is really new to me. In the past, I used to get so angry and was violently out of control because of it. I would go berserk, shaking with fury, and blind with rage. Literally, visibly shaking, and I've walked face first in to walls I couldn't see, because I was so mad. Now I take mood stabilizers, and it is much better. For the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to understand this concept of healthy anger. I never believed that it was a real thing.

Anyways, thank you again. I really appreciate your support.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 11, 2019, 10:30:52 AM
For the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to understand this concept of healthy anger. I never believed that it was a real thing.
This sounds positive.   :hug: to you Jazzy.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 12, 2019, 11:19:38 PM
Thank you Hope  :hug:



So, I think I'm struggling, but keep telling myself that I'm not... and hopefully being a little more honest about that will help.

I'm having a hard time sleeping through the night, and waking up in the morning. I've only forced myself out of bed in the morning once or twice this week. Sleeping through the morning helps me feel so much more refreshed and alert/awake.

I'm not feeling too great throughout the day. Usually when I wake up late, I feel rested and well for maybe an hour. After that, it is a struggle to keep myself from "checking out".  I'm not really sure why though. Maybe it is depression, or a mild EF or something, but it is not good. I usually feel better around dinner time for an hour or 2 as well, but that's about it. This also makes me wonder about mood swings. I think its normal to feel differently throughout the day, but to go from good to bad to good to bad each day seems like a lot.

All this is basically in an optimal environment. Just me home alone with the cats, about as stress free as you can get. It makes me wonder how badly I'd feel if I had more responsibilities and had to go out of the house.

But, I'm not feeling terrible, all the time, so that's good. I feel like I'm just accepting how I'm doing as good, because it could be worse, and I'm so used to being worse.

Also, its been tough to post here lately. I'm not really sure why. But I made a few posts today so  :cheer:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 13, 2019, 09:44:05 PM
hey, jazzy,

i have a similar pattern w/ sleep and being awake.  my feeling good times are usually right after i wake up, then they can go downhill until after i take a nap - that can be anytime during the morning or later in the afternoon.  sleep is my best friend, and i take it when i can get it.  i also feel better usually during the evening, then later i can feel not so good. 

don't know why this happens, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.  i do know that times now when i'm more stress-free for several days, the sleep doesn't seem to be as much of a problem, but that's only come about at this stage of my recovery, so i think that may have a significant effect on it.  maybe as you continue to recover, you'll find something similar happening.  i hope so.  but, it surely wasn't always like this for me.   ???

sending love and a hug filled w/ refreshing sleep whenever you want it! :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 15, 2019, 02:35:59 AM
*****************



Thanks Sanmagic. You are right, there is a big connection between sleep and stress. I was really hoping I was done with sleeping problems, but I guess I'm not so lucky.



Wow, what a confusing day. Today is thanksgiving day here in Canada, so we had a thanksgiving at my sister/BiL's place. The whole situation is rather foreign to me, so I'm having a hard time sorting out my thoughts and getting the words down.

I feel like a misfit in the family. Out of my siblings, I'm the only one not married, and only male not working. Its like they all have normal lives, and I don't. I'm just kind of going through life without really living it. But even when I was working, most of the time it felt like my life was really wrong, and there was certainly something wrong with me. I think what I'm looking for is stability, to feel safe and confident, and for most of my life I haven't had that.

Another thing was that BiL1's mother was there, and BiL2's father was there. These people, these parents, were there with us, and they're just normal people. That is so bizarre to me, for a parent to just be a normal person, and to actually be able to have any sort of relationship that is not completely based on lies. But its a nice thing, to be able to interact with these people without having to watch my every word and action... and to not feel so criticized. Its great, but it again underscores how different myself and my parents are.

This brings up another major point, was that my anxiety was extremely low all evening. Not only were there a lot of people (for me at least), there were a couple of people I've never met before... and my anxiety was minimal. I don't even understand how this is possible. To top it all off, BiL's father is a recently retired police officer. I have difficulty with any authority, and especially with police. They've treated me badly in the past. I'm surprised I could say 2 words to the guy, but we ended up sitting beside each other for dinner and games.  My anxiety is worse just leaving my house, than it was at my BiL's tonight. I guess these people, this extended family, is just so nice, and real, it made me feel comfortable and safe. What a foreign feeling. Its perplexing.

I know I touched on this before, but tonight has made me realize how much I think the worst of people in my day to day life. I think that because M was the only person I really spent time with throughout my childhood, I expect everyone to be like her.... that and all the nonsense she taught me. The very few friends I've had in my life have mostly been like her too, though not as bad.  What a horrible thing. I can't even find the words to express how terrible this is. The problem is that this is all outside of the realm of conscious thought. Its not that I think people are mean (I do, but that's not the main problem), its that I was raised to believe that everyone was my mortal enemy (and worse) until proven otherwise. I really don't know how to change that kind of belief, that was enforced through my entire childhood, it is so integrated... I don't even know if its possible.

I feel like I haven't written a lot of emotion in to this post, but I'm trying to keep it from becoming too long. I want to try to do justice to what a profound, revealing evening it has been. Experiencing something that contradicts everything you were raised to believe, is quite something... especially when its in a good way.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 15, 2019, 02:50:31 AM
So, M gets her own post, because she's so different than the extended family.

Everyone hates M and openly talks badly about her. Even my BiL's parents talk badly about her. I guess they're actually somewhat of a normal family, and their kids talk honestly to them, so they have reason to.

Anyway, M called me yesterday and talked for a short while, and asked for her kids to all video call her from our family dinner tonight. Classic M. Why does she have to interrupt our evening to cater to her wants? What does she expect us to do, tell the rest of the family to go away so we can video call her? How rude and inconsiderate. It wasn't good enough talking to her the day before? This is a perfect example of why everyone hates her (but pretty mild to be honest, being selfish is the least of her problems).

Of course, when she asked yesterday, I had to lie through my teeth, tell her I would try to remember to call her, but my memory isn't so good  :blahblahblah: . So, she sent me a text message this evening when I was at dinner to remind me. But instead of being an honest person and just asking us to call her, she writes "I hope one of my kids will remember to call me on thanksgiving!"

I just want to scream at her * you, you selfish, manipulating *. No one is calling, because everyone hates you, because of how you treat us. But, of course, I can't do that. She will act all hurt and upset about it next time I talk to her, and I'll have to apologize, make excuses,  :blahblahblah: The charade goes ever on. I'm so tired of living the lie.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 15, 2019, 02:19:38 PM
you know, jazzy, i am so glad for you that you were able to experience an evening feeling safe and comfortable w/ nice people.  it's so refreshing, on one hand, but, like you say, can feel confusing as well when we're not used to it.  i hope you get more of those in the future.

as for your M,  :hug:  sorry you have to live w/ that dynamic.  not fun.

here's to many more thanksgivings w/ nice, safe, comfortable people!   :thumbup:  love and a hug full of them.   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 16, 2019, 12:25:33 AM
Thank you Sanmagic. You are so sweet.  :hug:


I realize I've been writing a lot lately, and I can't blame anyone for not wanting to read it all. The point to all this today, is that I thoroughly believe M is crazy (not mentally living in the same reality as the rest of us), and I don't know how to handle it. I feel very torn between her being a victim, and a source of my trauma.

So, at BiL's yesterday, we watched a movie called Fracture. SPOILER ALERT!

In this movie, a man is convinced that his wife and daughter were kidnapped by the hospital for organ harvesting, and he fights to save them before it is too late. At the end of the movie, you find out that none of it is real. The man's daughter fell and died, and he accidentally killed his wife only a minute later. Anyway, they say that the reason for his psychosis is because trauma sometimes forces you to believe something easier than the truth.

The movie wasn't very realistic. I've literally been thrown out of the hospital by police before, so I know he wouldn't have gotten very far, and not been able to do half the things the movie shows. I also didn't like how they blamed his psychotic episode on fresh trauma. Sure, people have hallucinations and such from trauma, but I've never heard of anyone having such a full psychotic episode for over 12 hours, as in the movie.

Anyway, I think it bothers me so much, because it reminded me of M. I have so many mixed feelings about her, that I'm nowhere near to sorting out. Her condition isn't as serious (she doesn't see dead bodies as living people for example), but it is similar in how she lives in her own world, like a working insanity. Her memories don't match anyone else's, and challenging them with evidence will just put her in to a suicidal episode. She doesn't really understand the reality of how finances work, and will use and abuse any and everything/everyone she can find to keep up a lifestyle she can't afford. Her financial plans for the future are also entirely unrealistic, but of course, you can't tell her that.

The thing is, I feel bad for her. I don't think she's malicious, I think she's crazy. From her point of view, if you take everything she says and does in to consideration, I can see why she acts the way she does. From her perspective, she is actually a really nice person, who is struggling with a lot of difficulty. I expect that if she saw reality like the rest of us, she would be okay. But, she doesn't see reality like the rest of us. She's so far in to her own world, there is no helping her. But, no one else is in her reality, and that disconnect causes so much trouble. She treats others terribly, causing a lot of hurt to her family, based on her believing things and remembering events differently than everyone else.

Another thing, a point in her favour I guess, is that she is the one who filled out my disability papers properly. I was in such a terrible place, I was powerless to help myself, and the only reason I'm not homeless or worse right now, is because she helped me. I feel like I owe her my life. I don't know how to handle this.

A big part of me wants to go NC with her. I think it would be a lot better for me. The truth is, I'm scared that I won't be able to survive without her though. On top of that, this will throw her in to a suicidal episode again, there will be so much drama, and everyone who doesn't know better will believe that she's the victim. I know this will happen, because both of my sisters have tried, multiple times. I also did when I was a teenager, and it is hard to keep up NC throughout the years. I long for a normal family, and I guess there's no hope of that with no contact. She will also be very hurt if I do, she won't understand at all.

As I've said before, my relationship with M is really fake, based on lies, made necessary by this disconnect from reality. I really hate having to act this way, but its the least painful option (at least for everyone else) that I can see. Its really difficult, and I'm really torn. But, that's what you're supposed to do with a crazy person right? Nod and smile and play along, until their attention goes elsewhere?

It would be great if there was some way to get her help, but that would take a lot of really intensive care by professionals, and our society isn't terribly considered with helping people out. Certainly, none of us can afford that sort of thing. I hate how the most important thing on this world is money. So, we suffer.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 16, 2019, 05:14:49 AM
deciding to go nc w/ someone can be a very difficult decision.   same w/ deciding to stay in a relationship w/ someone who isn't healthy.  you're the only one who can determine what's right for you, best for you, healthiest for you.  among other people, i had to go nc w/ my oldest d, which was the very most difficult choice i've ever made.  it's going on 5 yrs., and there's not a day that goes by that i don't wish it could be different.  but, it can't, not unless she wants to work on it, which she doesn't.

so, my heart is with you as you wrestle w/ this.  i think we've all been damaged somewhere along the way.  the difference, to me, is what does someone want to do about it?  my d chooses to remain in a victim role, cruel and mean.  there is nothing i can do to help that, altho i tried for 30 yrs.  the people on this forum choose to do the work necessary to be different people, caring and kind people.  i think all we can do is recognize what's best and healthiest for us, and do what we can to do that as much as possible.

it's different for everyone.  i don't think there's a right or wrong way to do this.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support, whatever your decision. :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 16, 2019, 08:04:49 AM
deciding to go nc w/ someone can be a very difficult decision.   same w/ deciding to stay in a relationship w/ someone who isn't healthy.  you're the only one who can determine what's right for you, best for you, healthiest for you.  among other people, i had to go nc w/ my oldest d, which was the very most difficult choice i've ever made.  it's going on 5 yrs., and there's not a day that goes by that i don't wish it could be different.  but, it can't, not unless she wants to work on it, which she doesn't.

so, my heart is with you as you wrestle w/ this.  i think we've all been damaged somewhere along the way.  the difference, to me, is what does someone want to do about it?  my d chooses to remain in a victim role, cruel and mean.  there is nothing i can do to help that, altho i tried for 30 yrs.  the people on this forum choose to do the work necessary to be different people, caring and kind people.  i think all we can do is recognize what's best and healthiest for us, and do what we can to do that as much as possible.

it's different for everyone.  i don't think there's a right or wrong way to do this. 

 :yeahthat:

Could it be an Inner Child who doesn't think you'll survive?

I remember wondering how I'd manage this and that without my parents too the first time I was merely considering going LC about 20 years ago. I'm now exceedingly LC - only allow occasional email contact - and I manage. I think it's the 'trauma bond' that keeps us small and feeling incapable, but don't quote me on it. Sending compassion   :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 16, 2019, 10:54:15 PM
Hi Sanmagic and Blueberry!  :hug: Thank you for the hugs, and thank you for sharing. This is such a heavy topic. I'm sorry things haven't gone better for you. I wish we could all be a part of our own big happy families, like the Waltons or something... but that's just a fantasy I guess. I'm sure family is supposed to be a large part of a person's life, and a big support, so it makes sense to miss/want that. I really appreciate your replies. Sometimes I think that people here must see me as a horrible child. I don't think I am, but I think it might look that way without knowing everything that has happened, and continues to happen.

You might be right about an inner child feeling that I can't survive without her, Blueberry. I'm not very good with that kind of thing. I think its more than that though. I have been homeless more than once, and needed to be rescued by family members. I'm also not too good at looking after myself. My sleeping schedule is a mess, and this is the first year I've made myself a regular 3 meals a day. I keep thinking that, what if I get worse again. I guess that's a problem in itself, but I don't feel confident in myself, at least not yet.

I think this is a really big decision, and there are a lot of factors involved. I should really sit down and write everything out, and try to understand what I'm feeling, and what is influencing me. I also want to talk to my sisters before doing anything drastic. But, its something that really weighs on me.



On to more mundane details. Yesterday, I had a pounding headache for almost the entirety of the day. It couldn't end soon enough. I've been getting headaches a lot recently. I think I need new glasses, I'll have to get that done soon.

Today, I didn't have much of a headache, but ICr has been giving me a hard time. Its been a grey, rainy, dreary day. ICr always gives me a hard time after social activity, so its expected. I don't think its justified to worry about anything, just that I'm not the most eloquent person. Maybe I shouldn't have said this, maybe I should have said that etc. I'm sure everyone else forgot all about it, but ICr doesn't follow logic like that. Anyway, it hasn't been too bad... mostly just an annoyance. Hopefully it passes soon.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on October 17, 2019, 05:31:52 AM
I've not been on the forum as much over the past few weeks, but I've been just been catching up on your journal and wanted to send you a hug of support. :hug:

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation, but I sometimes find it helpful to go Gray Rock in some relationships (I think that's the term). I don't talk about anything exciting that's been going on or that I might feel vulnerable about, and I become as interesting to the person as a gray rock. It makes me feel a lot safer, and means there's nothing for them to latch on to. There's more about it on Out of the Fog. It might not be at all relevant to you, but I thought I'd mention it in case it is.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 17, 2019, 10:49:25 PM
Thank you Snowdrop; and welcome back!  :hug: It sounds like that is what I'm currently doing now. I only share things that aren't very meaningful, and not much at that. Mostly she just talks on for half an hour or so about everything going on with her, then lets me go. Its not too bad usually, Its just upsetting when she tries to force her way in, like at thanksgiving, or when shes involved with youth. That upsets me a lot.



Today has been a good day!  :cheer:  :cheer:  :cheer:

I slept through the night, woke up at a decent time in the morning, and didn't have much of a problem with anxiety/depression, or even feeling unsafe, which is a usual thing for me. Interestingly, its not to say that it was a great day. I was actually a bit short tempered and kind of grouchy a few times, but it was just about silly little things. It wasn't that huge struggling to get through the day thing it always is... and now that I have a good day, I can tell I have not had very many since that episode started a while back. Really trying to talk myself in to asking for different medication that hopefully will help more.

Huzzah for good days!  :cheer:

EDIT: Just looking back through this journal, I guess its been since the end of August that I haven't been doing great. I'm surprised at how often I'm "not good". I really need to start setting my standards higher. Just because I survived through another day, doesn't mean I should be satisfied with my days being that way... survived. I don't remember emotion very well, so I seem to think everything is fine by default I guess.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 18, 2019, 10:05:30 PM
You might be right about an inner child feeling that I can't survive without her, Blueberry. I'm not very good with that kind of thing. I think its more than that though. I have been homeless more than once, and needed to be rescued by family members. I'm also not too good at looking after myself. My sleeping schedule is a mess, and this is the first year I've made myself a regular 3 meals a day. I keep thinking that, what if I get worse again. I guess that's a problem in itself, but I don't feel confident in myself, at least not yet.

I'm sorry Jazzy for assuming something based on my own experience. In your case it does sound more of an existential fear since you've been homeless before. fwiw despite being VLC I'm still getting financial support from FOO, otherwise things would be a lot harder. I see the financial support as compensation.

I think this is a really big decision, and there are a lot of factors involved. I should really sit down and write everything out, and try to understand what I'm feeling, and what is influencing me. I also want to talk to my sisters before doing anything drastic. But, its something that really weighs on me.

I agree it is a big decision - not to be taken lightly. I've been working on it and fine-tuning for about 20 years now -  been NC with one FOO mbr, LC with others, got back into contact, gone LC again, getting more and more VLC. Each time I manage to remove myself more emotionally-speaking e.g. doing more Grey Rock or Medium Chill ttps://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill it's big progress. It sounds as if you have a fair idea what you're doing anyway :hug:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: on sleeping through the night!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 18, 2019, 11:51:03 PM
 :hug: Oh, Blueberry, please don't apologize. I appreciate the input. It was just a suggestion, a question. The best we have to go on is our own experiences, and sharing them is how we can help each other expand our thinking. I have a really hard time sharing appropriately. I take a lot of time to try to word things well, but it always seems that I don't do things as well as everybody else. The point being, its really understandable how its tough to try to help someone, but not dictate your own reality on to them. So, no worries at all, I appreciate you speaking up.

Not that there is anyway that compensation could ever make up for the past, but it is nice you are getting something practical from them to help. Its probably best to, like you say, fine tune contact as time goes on. Its like re-evaluating a system over time, makes sense to do so. I appreciate the encouragement saying I sound like I know what I'm doing. :) Really, I'm just trying to do the best I can.

Anyway, sent my youngest sister a message about getting together to talk about this, so that's a step forward.



Today I slept for about 15 hours. I hate sleeping that long, but apparently I needed it. After waking up, I noticed that I'm still holding a lot of tension and stress in my upper body.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 19, 2019, 11:40:27 AM
hey, jazzy,

i hear you on the sleep thing - i've had many, many days/nites like that, still do (i'm up at 4:30 this morning)  luckily i can sleep during the day to make up for missed hours at nite.  it's usually hit or miss, tho.  nothing regular.  i will say, tho, that sleep has become more consistent as time and healing have gone by.  i don't doubt the same will happen for you eventually.

as far as surviving days, sometimes i think surviving a day is a really big deal.  there are a lot of us who haven't made it that far.  altho our ultimate goal is more than that, i do think that we can give ourselves credit for making it thru another day, and celebrate the days when we feel even better than having done so in survival mode. like the day you're talking about.   :cheer:  may many more of those keep coming until there are more of them than the other kind!  huzzah, indeed!  sending love and a hug full of good days. :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 19, 2019, 06:43:21 PM
Sometimes I think that people here must see me as a horrible child. I don't think I am, but I think it might look that way without knowing everything that has happened, and continues to happen.

I don't see you as a horrible child at all! It never even occurred to me.   

Maybe I shouldn't have said this, maybe I should have said that etc. I'm sure everyone else forgot all about it, but ICr doesn't follow logic like that.

I know those ruminations and self-criticisms after the fact all too well. All I can say is that they have decreased with continued healing but they're not completely gone. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 19, 2019, 11:38:42 PM
 :hug: Thank you Sanmagic. Sleeping schedules can be a real mess sometimes. I had a good summer sleep wise, and I was hoping it would be permanent... but it doesn't seem to be. That said, it was great to have that time, and I'm hopeful it will come again.

I think the main thing, is I want to be more accurate about how I'm doing. There's 2 parts to that.

The first part is, I seem to make things out to be better than they really are. It just seems normal, until a good day comes around, and those other days stand out in stark contrast, as not being good at all. I think this also has the effect of cheating me out of feeling accomplished in surviving those tough days, because if I don't admit they are tough, than it doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment.

The other thing is, I don't remember emotion very well. One of the T I saw in the past said I was missing the logic<->emotion connection. So, I don't fully realize how thing were, when I try to look back at them. I'm not sure if this is bad memory, a protective mechanism, or like the T says, I'm just missing something basic. But, I do think it has been getting better lately. I remember a couple days ago how I remembered the feeling of having a great day. That great day was probably a couple of years ago now, but for a short little while, I remembered the feeling, and wished I had it again.



Thank you Blueberry for relating with those feelings, and for not thinking I'm horrible. :) Sometimes I feel like I am, I guess that's another thing I was told growing up, that isn't really true. It was made very clear we were to always respect our parents, unconditionally... but I think respecting anyone unconditionally can be dangerous. Anyway, its something I have to deal with, and I need to get more comfortable with the idea.



I've felt a little bad asking my sister to set aside time to talk about M. I know even mentioning M is upsetting for her, so she won't be looking forward to it. I also wonder when, if ever, we will have this meeting. She's not the best at carrying through with these kinds of things, even when its something light and easy. I guess time will tell.

I've also been asking myself what I expect to happen, practically speaking. I think the root of the issue, is that I don't like the way I react to M. Basically, when she starts talking to me, I curse silently and start dissociating. Part of me feels like its my fault, and that I should be in control of my own reactions. Maybe, in the future, I'll gain more control over my emotional state, and my reactions, but right now, I don't have much at all. I just don't want to be thrown in to that state on a regular basis. I wish I reacted better, I wish she treated me better, so I wouldn't have such a reaction to begin with. I wish all kinds of things, but that doesn't matter at all, practically speaking.

I think what worries me most, is that she keeps saying she's going to move back to the city I live in. I've notably improved since she left, and I'm concerned that if she comes back, I will start to get worse again. It would certainly be more difficult seeing her in person all the time again. But, I guess I should try to put this out of mind, and cross that bridge when we come to it.



Today felt like a pretty standard day. I wish I knew how to describe that well. I think its depression. Not the acute, clinical, out of my mind kind of depression, but just the not really caring about anything, wasting the day away sitting in my house kind. I have music on, but that's more out of habit, I'm not really feeling it... so I guess I'm somewhat numb as well. I can't even imagine the reality of people who have mostly good days. We'll see if M calls tomorrow.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 22, 2019, 01:26:01 AM
So, talked to my youngest sister today. She came over for dinner, which was nice. She's really understanding about everything. She has a lot of the same feelings and reactions about M, and agrees with my analysis of the problems. Unfortunately, she couldn't make any suggestion about what to do about M and the contact situation. She's especially afraid about M putting herself back in the hospital, which is understandable, as last time it happened was when S said she needed a couple months break from M.

We talked quite a bit, but of particular interest was how much we have been conditioned to keep on taking abuse, and never talk about the truth. S feels particularly upset about how badly her education suffered. I think it was worse for her. At least I had kindergarten and grade 1 in school, she did not. She makes a good point wondering how no one put a stop to this. Children being kept out of school, and being made to work to help pay the bills should not be tolerated these days.

She did say that we should talk with eldest sister together, and see if we can come up with any plan. She warned me that S2 is very bitter about her childhood, and will probably vent a lot. I really can't blame her for that. I've never really talked to S2 about childhood or CPTSD or anything of that nature, so I'm a bit guarded. I don't know the details, but I know she took the worst of it after I was out of the household.

Anyway, a lot more was said, but I think that's enough writing for now. I'm having a bit of a hard time posting... need to digest some of this conversation I think.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 22, 2019, 08:42:14 AM
Hi Jazzy,
 :hug: to you, and I hope that you're able to digest what you wrote, and well done for managing to write it.  I am glad that you were able to talk with your younger sister and that she was really understanding about everything, that sounds very positive. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on October 22, 2019, 04:11:09 PM
I'm really impressed that you and your sister were able to speak openly and honestly. I feel happy thinking about that, for you. I hope you two can continue to work together to support each other and also that the other sister will join ranks with you, if that's the healthy thing for you all. Thanks for posting!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 22, 2019, 11:29:53 PM
You know, I was just re-reading this, and this line jumped out at me:
Quote
We talked quite a bit, but of particular interest was how much we have been conditioned to keep on taking abuse, and never talk about the truth

And here we are, to this day, still not talking about the truth, still living the lie, not standing up for ourselves, not telling M how we feel, because we're afraid of what she will do. I really didn't realize until right now, that it is the same old thing still going on. Wow! No wonder this has been bothering me so much.



 :hug: Thank you Hope and Three Roses. It is really great that my sister and I were so "on the same page" with the whole situation. One thing she said, that I agreed with as true for myself as well, is that she thought she was the only one who felt that way about M, and didn't want to speak up, for fear of how we (siblings) would react. I think it would have been crushing if I was the only one who felt how I do, and I'm quite relieved that is not the case. I'm unsure if bringing S2 in will be a help or hindrance, but I think it best to talk to her and find out for myself how she reacts.



Sleeping schedule was good last night/today, but today has been mostly depression. Today, I realized it is worse than I thought. I actually said to myself "not like you're laying in bed all day", then realized that lately there have been more days than I care to admit that I have been in bed > 12 hours. Its just that being asleep feels better (less worse) than being awake. Anyway, I got a small chocolate cake on sale, so I'm looking forward to a slice of that.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 23, 2019, 10:37:15 AM
Hi Jazzy,
I hope you enjoy the chocolate cake.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on October 24, 2019, 09:46:31 PM
You know, I was just re-reading this, and this line jumped out at me:
Quote
We talked quite a bit, but of particular interest was how much we have been conditioned to keep on taking abuse, and never talk about the truth

And here we are, to this day, still not talking about the truth, still living the lie, not standing up for ourselves, not telling M how we feel, because we're afraid of what she will do. I really didn't realize until right now, that it is the same old thing still going on. Wow! No wonder this has been bothering me so much.
Jazzy, that is a big realization.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 24, 2019, 10:54:58 PM
Yeah, it is, thank you. Since this realization, my plan has been to tell M the truth about this, and how she reacts will be on her. That way I am not cutting her off completely, but also not allowing the lies to continue. I plan to talk to my sisters about it first, and see if they want to be involved at all though.



Sorry to everyone here, I haven't been posting very much. I just feel really disconnected from everything. It is hard to summon up the energy to get things done.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on October 24, 2019, 11:15:36 PM
No apology needed. I find that I have times where I'm able to read and post and then other times where I am not in a place to read others' posts or to write my own.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 27, 2019, 08:59:26 AM
That is a big desicion you've made Jazzy. It sounds like a scary thing to do. I hope you will be okay after you've gone through it.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 28, 2019, 11:46:41 PM
Thanks Sceal... it feels like a really big and scary thing; I hope I'll be okay too. I haven't talked with my sisters yet, but I think it will be easier if one or both of them are with me through it. I think it will be tough to deal with the fallout, but in time, I will be okay.



The last couple of days my depression hasn't been so strong. I took the weekend for some introspection. I decided to cut back on some of my evening routine. I was just doing some of it for the sake of doing it; afraid it will be a failure if I stop. But I decided that it isn't a failure to waste time, and it was a decision I spent time considering, not just something that ended up happening.

I saw my psychiatrist today, and it went pretty well. He changed my medication, as I was hoping he would. More than that though, I spoke with him with some confidence, and not feeling shame. The only thing I don't like is that he talks over me a lot.

For about two weeks, I was trying to figure out what to say to him to get him to change my medication. Last night, I had the sudden thought to just tell him the truth (embarrassing side effects). Which I did, and it went well... this really bothers me though. For 2 weeks I never thought that just telling the truth would be a good idea? ... and its been months that I wanted to change medication, but wasn't sure about it, and didn't know a good way to ask.

I think this living a lie thing with M has me really messed up. I think its really bad to have that kind of instinct of manipulation and deceit. Sometimes I think I'm a horrible person, especially when my empathy isn't very strong.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 30, 2019, 07:50:13 AM
I can understand not liking your therapist to talk over you. Is this something you can bring up to him?

telling the truth can be hard, and maybe taking small steps to learn how to do it for you will gradually make you more comfortable with it and eventually that will become your first instinct instead?

I remember when I was practicing saying no to people. I ended up saying no to everything and everyone before I'd even considered what they were asking me. I found it a little embarrasing and amusing at the same time when I realised what was happening. But it really did help practicing, eventhough it took a while.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 30, 2019, 11:23:24 PM
Well, he is just an overworked doctor. I think he is trying to keep things quick because he is always running so far behind. If there's anything super important, I can write it down and give it to him... but I will try to ask him not to talk over me next time.

Thank you for sharing that Sceal. Of course, you are right. It takes a lot of practice to set a new habit in place.



So, given M will not be here to talk in person, I'm not sure how I could really arrange things to have her talking with my sisters and I at the same time. I guess we could do some sort of conference call, or a group chat online, but that hardly seems optimal. Of course, this would only be if my sister agrees to join me. I know she has a lot of reservations, and understandably so.

Today, I was thinking that it would be a better idea to write her a letter. That way, I will be able to get out everything I want to, which I don't think I could do vocally; especially alone. I'm a bit hesitant to have it in writing though. I'm not exactly sure why, probably because it may be used against me later, but I have had a fear of writing my thoughts and feelings down all my life. Anyway, that's not something I want to get in to tonight.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 31, 2019, 08:51:02 PM
It's not your responsibility that he is always running late. He shouldn't use that against you, or make that affect his care for you to be less than the allocated time you do have with him.  It is his responsibility as a professional to make sure he is on time, and that he manages his own time well enough that he can see everyone. (I've worked in the medical sector - I know how overworked they can become.. And sometimes it really isn't their fault.. but when it's a pattern.. well)

I know you say you're not sure you want to put things in writing. Could you do a test run? If you don't like it in writing afterall you can burn it before showing it off to anyone. Or anyone knowing it ever existed?
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on October 31, 2019, 10:30:31 PM
Unfortunately, that is the reality here. There are no doctors that run on time. They often work over 12 hours a day. On top of having his own practice, my psychiatrist is the head of the psych ward at the hospital, so he has to deal with emergencies there as well. I look at it as a trade-off. I regularly get to be treated by the department head, but in exchange he is behind schedule a bit more than another doctor. Also, to be honest, I'm lucky to have a psychiatrist at all. There are a lot of people around here who need one, but don't have one. There's just not enough to go around.

Thank you though, I do appreciate your words, and you caring like that. I do see what you are saying, and I would agree if there wasn't such a lack of doctors here, but I think everyone is doing the best they can, and more than can be fairly expected. Its more of annoyance than a problem for me.

Its only been a couple of days, but this new medication is really making a big difference. I don't feel so bad about writing it out. Well, I typed something up. I kept it short and to the point. Basically just explaining that I need to improve myself, and our relationship needs to change for that to happen. I don't want to send it tonight though, as it is Halloween, and she will be having a good time handing out candy to the kids. I don't want to ruin that unnecessarily.

Although, I'm a little bitter that she never let me participate in Halloween as a kid. I remember that we had to keep the curtains closed, and the outside light off, and ignore any knocks at the door. Obviously, she feels different about it now, but its another part of childhood she took from me.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 01, 2019, 10:50:11 PM
I emailed what I had typed out to M earlier today. I haven't heard anything back yet. I'm a little anxious; mostly just not knowing how she's going to react, I think. It isn't too bad though. Hopefully I'll find out soon enough, then I won't have to wonder anymore.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on November 02, 2019, 09:41:24 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 02, 2019, 11:10:50 PM
M sent me a short message back saying she was mostly confused. Its better than the putting herself in the hospital reaction, but I don't think its a good one either. I thought I was pretty clear, but I guess I'll have to talk to her and find out what she's confused about. Boy, this feels familiar. Her getting confused when you tell her something realistic.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 03, 2019, 04:43:52 PM
Standing with you there Jazzy. My FOO especially parents react similarily. They pretend not to understand, mostly by claiming I explained myself badly. Or they accept what I said and later 'forget' the boundary I set.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 06, 2019, 12:19:03 AM
Thanks Blueberry. I've had those exact same problems with M before.



I haven't talked to M yet. I want to get it out of the way, but it has been a rough couple of days. I think its based on my not sleeping very well. My psychiatrist did warn me that changing medication would disrupt my sleep schedule for a bit. He gave me sleeping pills if I really need them, but I'm trying to stay away from them. Hopefully adjustment won't take too much longer.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 07, 2019, 12:13:49 AM
Talked with M a bit this evening. I'd say it went pretty well. She seems to be calm. She was confused, because she saw our childhood differently (of course), but she apologized for how I feel multiple times. I didn't talk about any specific examples though, as I can't see any positive side to doing so. I have no expectations that she will agree with me on any of it, I'm doubtful she will even be able to see my point of view. So, I don't want to upset her and make her feel bad needlessly.

Although, on the other hand, maybe we do need to talk about the specifics to really heal properly. I'm not sure, but if so, I think we can do that a bit at a time, instead of all at once. I guess I'll see how things go, and just try to be open and honest in the future.

For what its worth, I felt less bad talking to her today than I have in quite a while.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snookiebookie2 on November 07, 2019, 12:49:59 AM
Kudos to you Jazzy for talking to your M.  Those kinds of conversations are always going to be difficult and triggering. Well done.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on November 07, 2019, 05:38:46 AM
Yes, well done Jazzy. Talking to your M sounds like a Big Thing.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 08, 2019, 12:56:06 AM
Thank you guys. :) It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but still not easy.



Something that has been on my mind since talking to M the other day, is the difficulty I have in communicating, in general. I noticed that when I told her I was having a lot of headaches, she didn't say anything nice like "sorry to hear that" or "I hope you feel better soon". So, I think this is where I get my lack of nicety from, and I really don't like it. Maybe that's part of why I have such trouble talking, because I don't like what I say (or don't say).

Its good that here I can take my time to type things out, and tell myself to go back and "be nicer". Even still, I have a lot of difficulty finding the right thing to say. I think most people make better posts than me. I just hope I don't upset anyone.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 08, 2019, 06:36:42 PM
I think most people make better posts than me.

Maybe that's your ICr speaking? I seem to remember reading posts of yours to me which were caring and compassionate.  :hug:

And :cheer: for having been able to talk constructively with your M. That says a lot about your nicety imho. Because lack of it can be anger-triggering for parents who were neglectful or abusive in our childhoods.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 09, 2019, 12:40:40 AM
Thank you Blueberry; that's very sweet of you.  :hug:

I remember that I've mentioned this before. It is very frustrating at times. Every day I read all of the posts on here, and a lot of the time I can hardly think of two words to say. I see other people write out long, relevant posts, and I wonder why I'm stuck with nothing. When this happens day after day, it seems to define me. The thing is though, I'm just not in a very good place mentally when this happens, even though it seems to be most days.

Today was a pretty good day. Its amazing what a difference it makes, and today, I wrote out quite a bit compared to what I usually do. :)  Usually I can't really connect with anything, or feel emotion with what I am reading. It worries me, makes me think that I'm a bad person... a person with no empathy. Maybe its just depression though. Maybe it doesn't matter what you call it. I wonder how much this has to do with my social difficulties. Anyway, I guess there is no changing it (at least right now), I'm just really thankful to be feeling positive today.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on November 09, 2019, 12:30:40 PM
I can relate to what you're saying. I read posts here every day, but some days I don't feel I have the right words to respond, or even words.

I don't think this happening defines you. It can be a symptom without it being you, if that makes sense.

I echo what Blueberry said. I think of your posts as being caring, compassionate and supportive. :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on November 09, 2019, 02:46:07 PM
Quote
Every day I read all of the posts on here, and a lot of the time I can hardly think of two words to say. I see other people write out long, relevant posts, and I wonder why I'm stuck with nothing.

This is me, too. I sit staring at my screen, trying to think of something to say that is supportive, helpful...when I do reply, it can take several attempts to get a reply written that doesn't sound terse or snotty. I marvel at the eloquence and warmth of others and feel inadequate.

To me, your posts are always insightful, informative, caring, and helpful. I'm glad you're here.  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 09, 2019, 04:58:29 PM
hey, jazzy,

i've found your posts to me to be so very supportive and just wonderful!  i've loved hearing from you - you've helped me keep my own wits about me.  i think you're a very valuable member of this community.

i know i'm one of the ones who writes a lot sometimes, but honestly, i'm often nervous, afraid, even, that i wrote too much or the wrong thing, was too preachy or know-it-all sounding.  i believe that if we respond to others from the heart, we're going to be ok.  my problem comes when i get into my head, and there have been a lot of times i've deleted posts cuz of that.  there have also been times when i haven't, but thinking about it later is when i get scared.

i don't think most of us have had a lot of practice communicating within the realms of healthy relationships, how to respond, what to say that is supportive and kind.  one thing i've discovered on this forum is that people have been able to speak their truth if they feel that something in a response is amiss for them, and it's gotten sorted out in a respectful manner.  just seeing that has been helpful to me, too.  like you, i haven't had a lot of empathetic feelings most of my life, but i'm learning more about that from being part of this place.  i don't think being non-empathetic makes you a bad person, just someone who hasn't had a lot of empathy shown them, or hasn't had a chance to learn what it is and how it plays out.

and, kudos to you :applause: for speaking up to your M.  very courageous, and warrior spirit showing.  dealing w/ foo is rarely easy, but it sounds like you did a really good job saying what you did. :thumbup:  i think your concerns for what might come next, and when, will resolve themselves when you're ready.  it'll come to you.

sending you love and a hug filled w/ restful sleep! :cloud9:  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 09, 2019, 07:40:08 PM
Usually I can't really connect with anything, or feel emotion with what I am reading. It worries me, makes me think that I'm a bad person... a person with no empathy. Maybe its just depression though.

Maybe it's cptsd?

Not feeling emotion can be a protective mechanism for us cptsd-ers. It certainly doesn't make you a bad person or a person without empathy! I often have trouble connecting words and emotions, although I've got a lot better at it since being on this forum ;D There are also certain things I simply cannot write that others do on here e.g. "I'm praying for you" or "lots of love".

I actually wish I could write posts that get to the point, nice and succinct the way some people manage on here, but so far I haven't managed!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 10, 2019, 12:58:39 AM
Wow, thank you everyone. You're all so supportive, and I appreciate each one of you, and every post here.  :grouphug:

Its really interesting to hear us all say we are not confident in our posts. If nothing else, we're all in good company. :)

I've been sitting here over half an hour thinking about all this, and I think I'm overthinking it, so I'm going to leave it for now.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 13, 2019, 02:43:36 AM
Just want to make a note that I've been feeling better recently; my depression hasn't been so bad.

But on the other hand, sleeping schedule still isn't great, and I have a lot of resistance to leaving the house. I'm not sure why, as my anxiety hasn't been too bad when I'm out, maybe its just what I'm used to.

I went out shopping today, and it was nice. Its cold and snowy, which looks nice and is refreshing, but it's not too cold yet, just a bit below freezing. For some reason, I have good emotional memories around this time of year (new snow). I don't have any events to go with the feelings, but its nice anyway.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 13, 2019, 11:59:55 AM
 :) :) :cheer: :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 18, 2019, 11:41:04 PM
I started keeping an emotional log a little over a week ago. So far things seem to be mostly good. Its nice to have that record to be able to look back to. Now I need to get my sleeping sorted out.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Sceal on November 19, 2019, 06:25:24 AM
Emotional logs are good! I have one on my phone that asks me to check in twice a day.  Also good to hear you're doing well emotionally
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on November 25, 2019, 12:15:54 AM
Thanks Sceal! :)

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Perplex on November 25, 2019, 02:04:37 AM
Thanks Sceal! :)

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".
Hey Jazzy, I find myself feeling a bit like that too sometimes - just off in some other world for a bit. Balance is important but also if you don't need to rush then taking your time before steadying back into a rhythm is good too!
Glad to hear the medication is settling for you.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on November 27, 2019, 07:47:51 PM
Just wanted to say hello :wave:. I hope your sleep patterns are settling down.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Sceal on November 27, 2019, 09:08:21 PM
Thanks Sceal! :)

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".

Glad to hear you are more adjusted to the medication.
I hope you get to sleep better before the new years, I know it's not long off, but it's still a long time to go without proper sleep.

I think sometimes it is good to isolate yourself, if you're doing it for the "right" reason. Or rather, as long as you're not withdrawing from company due to anxiety or depression, but more because you need a breather.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 03, 2019, 08:10:37 PM
Hi Jazzy,
I saw you're giving yourself a 'vacation' so I hope that is restful for you.  I have been on a break too, and it was restful for me.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on February 12, 2020, 06:03:42 PM
 First off, sorry I haven't been active here very much. I didn't plan to be gone so long, but I've been having difficulty lately.

This medication I'm on now is very new, and it helps with the depression a lot, but  of course there are repercussions to go with that. I find that I use a tremendous amount of energy when I'm depressed, just to make it through the day, and complete very basic tasks. When depression is considerably lessened, that energy goes in to whatever I happen to be doing. So I get really focused and caught up, losing track of time, and other things get neglected.

On top of that, feeling more, means stronger anxiety, so as well as being anxious all the time, it feels like if I don't stay totally focused and engrossed on whatever I'm doing, something very bad will happen, so it is difficult to live a balanced life, and be at all social.

I tried messaging a few people on my phone yesterday (mostly family), and they were just brief conversations, but I felt it was a positive step. Recently my sister contacted me and said none of them had heard from me for a few months, and wanted to make sure I was okay. Anyway, last night was horrible. I had night terrors/flashbacks all night long, the kinds of really screwed up dreams that I had when I was a kid.

Its also difficult trying to keep my sleeping on track. I've been keeping my emotional log, along with what time I wake up, so I can actually see patterns, and try to see what works best, as I experiment with various methods to try to sleep well through the night, and wake up in the morning. I've been tracking it for over 3 months now, and haven't had much success with "sleeping properly".

Its really frustrating to live with a crippling condition like CPTSD. No matter what I do, I can't seem to live a normal life, (and for some reason I really want that, and am unhappy with myself otherwise). Daily routine is a mess, getting necessary things done is so difficult, and often gets pushed aside, social activity is basically non-existent, sleeping well seems impossible.

Anyway, I don't want to end on a bad note, so I will say that I'm happy to at least have a life (yay for being alive), and I'm happy the depression isn't so bad right now.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 12, 2020, 07:47:50 PM
Hi Jazzy,
Glad you're ok.  I am glad to hear that your depression isn't so bad right now.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on February 12, 2020, 08:07:14 PM
It's good to hear from you, Jazzy. :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on February 13, 2020, 03:07:50 AM
Jazzy,

So glad to hear from you. I have thought of you and was wondering how you are doing. You were missed. I'm sorry things have been so hard. Your night last night sounds like it was awful. I hope you are able to sleep peacefully tonight.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on May 13, 2020, 08:09:53 AM
Thank you for the kind words. Its nice to hear from you all. I don't really expect anyone to read, as I've been away so long. I hope everyone is hanging in there!  :grouphug:



I've been meaning to spend more time on this site, and post again, but I've felt resistance in doing so. I'm actually doing a lot better recently. I have a brand new medication (barely out of testing), which is a bit concerning, but it is working for me, far better than anything else I've taken in the past. I'm a lot closer to my siblings and their spouses, they've all commented on how much better I'm doing. Its nice, I actually enjoy chatting and spending time with them now, instead of my anxiety being out of control. On the flip side, with my depression doing so much better, I'm feeling a lot more "everyday emotion". I choke up a lot, even at a movie or a song, which is embarrassing (I was raised to be that tough guy)... but it sure beats how I used to be. Doing better and feeling more is still pretty new to me, so I'm hesitant to do anything that may be difficult, and maybe cause me to be not so good. (some things here can be triggering for example). Going out in public, such as going shopping is still somewhat difficult, but I'm alright almost as soon as I'm out the door. It always go better than what I expect. Hopefully my expectations will improve over time, and it will get easier.



***TW: Death***





Last weekend, my paternal grandmother passed away. It was really difficult to see her on her deathbed. It was also extremely difficult, because even though I didn't get to see her much (mom didn't like my dad's family), she was always friendly and happy and peaceful, and having fun. She was like the "only good" parent I never really had. Unfortunately, her kids (my aunts and uncles on dad's side) are always squabbling, so the family will likely fall apart even further now that she is gone (my grandfather passed away years before). I desperately want a good/normal family, and she was the last parent I had who would fit that category. I feel like a lot of people won't understand what I'm trying to say, but some here with their own parental problems may understand. I have a bit of hope as both of my sisters have married good men, so at least us siblings have a better working family. It doesn't fulfill that parental need, but it is better than no family bond at all. I'm expecting to cry at her funeral, which I don't really know how to deal with, as I've never cried in public before. But, like I said, I get choked up a lot now, and it feels so horrible to lose her. I imagine this is what most people feel like losing their biological parents, but she's been so much more to me than them.

***END TW***



Anyway, I've also been doing a lot of introspection as always, and it has been interesting to see the difference between how I am now, and how I was before. I've especially been thinking on the topic of "not feeling like a person". This all may be fairly obvious to some, but it came as a revelation to me.

The first thing I realized was that with stress and anxiety too high, inner critic was always running wild, and this is a big part of not feeling like a person. Most people don't always scrutinize every little thing they say and do and think, they just try their best, and do whatever comes to mind. Everything is so much more "instinctive" without IC in the way. I've also noticed that most people are pretty lenient and understanding, especially in the current state of the world. We're all just trying our best to make it through everything. Its still good to be introspective, and critical of yourself to some degree, to help with self improvement, but not so much that it interferes with day to day life. That "instinctive-ness" has really helped me feel more like a person (although its a sub-conscious feeling).

Another thing I realized (which was pointed out to me a couple of years ago, but I didn't really get it), is how "dehumanizing" it is to be controlled by those who have hurt you. For myself, when I was younger, I had to portray a certain image to my parents, and never let them know the real me, or I would be severely punished. Even to this day, I act very differently around my parents than I do the rest of the world. I spend so much energy making sure I present the image perfectly (absolutely 0 room for a slip up) that I can't just be me (can't just react instinctively). So this too really contributes to the feeling of "not being a person". It has helped a lot just to be aware of this, and I'm still working at it. I think it was a huge success that I was able to "relax and react" with the last visit to my father's. He has changed so much now though (for the better). I don't know what I'm going to do about my mom. She's... to be honest, I treat her like she's developmentally delayed, because she lives so much in her own world. I'm not sure that's the best approach though, but it has been getting me by for the last few years.

Anyway, I've still got a long way to go (and learn a lot more about myself), but it is great to be improving. Hopefully people have read this far, and this entry will be helpful to someone. :)

I hope everyone is doing alright, and I promise I'll try harder to be more active here.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 13, 2020, 03:22:45 PM
hey, jazzy,

your activity here is up to you - no expectations or pressure.  sometimes it's a good thing to post, other times not so much.

congrats on your realizations! :applause:  they are often turning points for me.  i hope they help you get thru some of those doors that have barred your way in the past.

really glad those meds are helping.  they really can make a difference.  'dehumanizing' to be controlled by others - what a great phrase.  i can attest to that, for sure!

keep going, my dear.  sounds like you're doing great!  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 14, 2020, 07:42:55 AM
Welcome back Jazzy.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on May 22, 2020, 07:15:16 PM
Wow, it has been a crazy month. The biggest being the situation with my grandmother. On top of that, my phone wasn't working, and when I got home the internet was out as well, so I was totally cut off. Its been stressful, but I've been keeping myself busy for the most part so it isn't too overwhelming. Thankfully my sister stopped by after not hearing from me for a few days, and helped me get my phone working again. The internet is still not working very well, but better than not at all. They're supposed to come and repair the line outside in the next week or so.

My sleeping schedule is pretty off again, which is frustrating. I'm working on it, but trying not to be too critical of myself at the same time. I think it would be very helpful for me mentally if my sleeping schedule was better. I feel out of control when I can't sleep on the schedule I want. Oh well, still a work in progress. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on May 22, 2020, 07:55:21 PM
Belated condolences regarding your grandmother, Jazzy :hug:. I think you're doing really well not being too overwhelmed with everything that's going on.

I hope you sleep better tonight. :zzz:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal
Post by: notalone on May 22, 2020, 10:57:50 PM
My sympathies for your loss of your grandmother.