Out of the Storm

I've been thinking of starting a journal for a while now. It seems like a neat way to sort of...consolidate all the fragmented parts of myself? And a good way to get things out of my head where the space feels so crammed, that the back of my head feels like its bulging with too much content. It has to be worth a shot anyway...

So I turned 30 this year. And graduated medical school, before moving cities to start my first job as a junior doctor. I remembered in my 20s, after leaving home at 18, being so unhappy and with such little self-esteem, that I just couldn't understand why life never seemed to be 'worth it' to me. It seemed to be full of so much pain. I was experiencing constant flashbacks, shame, guilt, over-responsibility for others, and deep self-loathing.

I escaped home at 18 by getting into Law school in a city far away from home. I had met a guy online at the time who lived in that city and he was of the same religious background as myself. I'd being raised to believe that marriage was a woman's happy ever after. I had no idea that my childhood was abusive, or completely wrong. I knew on some level it was defective and had felt completely miserable but...it was all I knew. I thought moving to be close to this guy I'd met online would answer all my questions when we got married and looking back, I was very excited about the idea of being accepted into a family, and forging a bond with his mother. I guess I was desperately searching for a surrogate mother as part of the package of being with 'him'.

So, aged 18, I stood up to my mum and told her I would be moving away to university and she could like it or lump it. My mother is controlling, narcissistic, abusive...to name a few. But I had seen with my older sisters that she would bow down to being threatened with the police, as she had attempted to deprive them of their freedom a few years previously and they had called the police to help them escape. I knew the shame of this would stop her from trying to control me physically. So she didn't. Instead, she stopped talking to me for months. It was so tense in the lead up to me leaving - there were months of utter silence. I decided I simply didn't care anymore, after years of a miserable existence under her roof. My sister encouraged me to give an apology - even a fake one - just before leaving to stop the tension. So with gritted teeth, I did that but stood firm in my decision to leave. I had already arranged for my own train tickets to my new city, but she then insisted my brother would drive me and she would come, too. I felt so guilty at this point. Why was she now being so nice?
Had I been too harsh all along?

Regardless, I shoved those horrible feelings of guilt and shame down and tried to focus on my fantasy of salvation that was about to start. I thought the start of this salvation would cure me of all those questions that plagued me. After all, I was finally close to getting married - every girl's happy ever after, surely? (A cocktail of disney movies + religious and cultural abuse towards females had resulted in this deeply-held, but equally deeply-flawed belief).


I've just realised I'm working my way backwards in my story. I feel like this would be more helpful for me, as it helps to 'uncover' things as I work my way retrospectively.

Hi and welcome! I know starting a journal can be really hard, but I'm really proud of you for wanting to take those steps for yourself! :hug:

I think all parts of your story are significant. In what you wrote, I see tremendous strength in you, breaking away from your mom and moving to a different city. I feel like I'm left at a cliff-hanger. Did you marry that guy?

Quote from: notalone on August 18, 2019, 06:07:05 PM
I think all parts of your story are significant. In what you wrote, I see tremendous strength in you, breaking away from your mom and moving to a different city. I feel like I'm left at a cliff-hanger. Did you marry that guy?

Thank you  :)
Sorry, I felt a bit overtaken with emotions that I ended it there to take a break and go for a walk.

I didn't end up marrying that guy, no - thank goodness.
When I was dropped off in my new city, the full extent of my flawed programming really came into play - there was no longer the conditions that necessitated it (i.e. a controlling mother who wanted me as an extension of herself, and only for her use). I struggled with people pleasing. I became depressed.

But for some reason - I always had a fire to fight for myself. This is what stopped me going further with that guy.
My fantasy, happy ever after was not that at all. He was controlling, abusive and horrible. I didn't understand it fully at the time - I guess his behaviour didn't seem too different to the horrible treatment I got at home - but I did know that I felt miserable and this was not normal. I didn't see the other students in my halls of residence putting up with what I did.
He would do bizarre things like rile me up then when I fought back and defended myself, he would say 'now I won't talk to you for 3 days. If you carry on arguing, I will extend this.'

Or he would beg and plead with me to be set up with his friend as he didn't like me anymore and 'wants both me and his friend to find happiness'. I said no countless times until out of frustration, I told him 'fine, ok, I will' at which point he exploded and called me all sorts of names and put me on his silent treatment punishment programme.

This kind of nonsense went on for months. I was very, very depressed at Law school and stopped attending. I got a job working in a coffee shop full time instead, as I was terrified at the thought of ever having to go back home. Finally, at the end of that year, I found out my 'fantasy guy' had been organising a wedding in an arranged marriage set-up....for himself. He didn't even tell me. He was still behaving normally (well, what was normal for him) with him. I found out through snooping on his social media. That day was the day I promised myself I would get away from him and never, ever put up with anything like this again. I felt so sorry for his bride, who had no idea what she was in for.

My sister had come to stay with me at this point, as she had gotten into University into a city not too far from mine and the plan was for her to move there after. I didn't know it at the time, but my answer to everything emotional was: flight. I decided to up sticks and move with her, and transfer to the same University she was going to, to continue studying Law. So, I blocked him, finished up with my job at the coffee shop, and moved cities away from all the mess. The idea that I could stay somewhere when bad things had happened and process them and move on from them was completely novel to me. I remember at various times during that year calling home, crying, begging for support only to be told:

'It's your fault you moved away so far'
'What do you expect ME to do about your problems?'
'You have to just get on with it'
'You make such a fuss, you're depressing us'

Before the conversation would automatically move back to hearing about their problems - my mum and siblings. The way it had always been and always should be. I was second to youngest out of 7 siblings and for some reason, I had assumed the role of parent, of the listener and care-taker. It didn't matter how much I gave, if for one moment, it turned back to me, it became a HUGE problem. I'd feel worse, I'd feel guilty for making THEM feel bad and felt like my problems were increased tenfold. So I simply didn't bother. I had no idea about mental health..anything back then. So I internalised everything. I was the problem, I had to be perfect and happy and strong always otherwise my world would fall apart and so would my family's and it would all be my fault.

So I just ran to the next city, vowing to start afresh. I didn't realise my emotions would follow me. I was still highly depressed, confused, and now my flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety was in full swing. That day I entered the classroom of the law school I had transferred to, I had a sinking feeling I had made a huge mistake. I didn't want to be there. I HATED Law. I could no longer blame it on myself as I did with everything else - I hated studying law, and that was that. No matter how much I tried to force myself to sit at my desk and read through my assignments, I couldn't last 10 minutes without getting bored, frustrated and impatient.
So I stopped studying and instead decided to focus on figuring out why I seemed to hate myself more than others around me. Intuitively, I felt something was wrong. I still didn't know about abuse or c-ptsd or anything like that, but I could feel that it just wasn't normal to live the way I did.
I remember thinking to myself 'if this is normal, humans would not have continued living for as long as they have done, nobody would strive for life if this is it' - I just knew that something was malfunctioning and needed to be fixed.

So I started listening to my intuition.

Quote from: holidayay on August 18, 2019, 07:02:02 PM
I remember thinking to myself 'if this is normal, humans would not have continued living for as long as they have done, nobody would strive for life if this is it' - I just knew that something was malfunctioning and needed to be fixed.

So I started listening to my intuition.

Difficult, brave, strong.

Great job getting started here. Things have a way of revealing themselves out of chronological order, but that's totally fine. :)

Did anybody else use fantasies as a way of coping through the difficult times? And dreaming of another life that could be, which could take away all the pain and hurt and finally life could be happy? And whereas this worked as a coping strategy to survive through the crazy * during childhood, out in the real world, it didn't work at all because I actually needed to be present and taking notice of reality and what was going on around me, noticing people's true selves and intentions, not fantasies I'd projected onto them.

I'm realising recently I did that a lot. It makes me feel so uncomfortable to realise this. I guess I have to be easy on myself, since this strategy helped me to survive the unthinkable and what no child should ever have to go through.

But the sheer naivety that living in those fantasies made me have makes me cringe and feel embarrassed.

To continue where I left off yesterday....in my new city (let's call it 's-town'), after deciding Law made me miserable, I started spending time on myself. Or what I thought that looked like. I would try out new things - and by that, I mean, give anybody who wanted to be my friend, a chance. I met a new guy in my new shared accommodation. He was my age and seemed quite nice. We got together quite quickly. I was very cautious and developed a sort of 'sass' to try to prove that I wasn't easily hurt and fooled. Of course, it was just a front. It did mean I played silly games to try to prove how untouchable to being hurt I was. I pretended not to care when actually I did. I realised I was only working on myself within the parameters that narcissistic abuse had enclosed my emotions into.

I thought I'd get healthy by forcing myself to live upto narcissistic expectations and not get hurt. Afterall, I'd been told countless times I was 'too sensitive' whenever I had my normal, real reactions out loud.
So I stopped doing them, I convinced myself out of them as much as I could by parroting back to myself what I knew the narcissists in my life would say.
I was beginning to narcissistically abuse myself.

My friends around me at this time were incredibly selfish, of course. I was allowing all kinds of behaviours because to get upset and protest would be making it all my fault.
My 'best friends' at the time consisted of a girl I had got back in touch with from childhood - who had moved away from my home town but was now living not too far from my new city. If I could describe her in one word, it would be 'disapproving'. She loathed emotions. She was quiet, firm and no-nonsense. She mocked and belittled anyone who wasn't...'perfectly put together'....or whatever she would deem that to be. I felt terrified in her company. But hey, my feelings were always wrong (or so I thought) that I convinced myself over and over again that she knew how to do 'life', and I was the questionable one. I remember feeling panicked and scared every time we met up. Some days we'd just sit there in silence and I'd be putting in so much energy and effort into keeping the friendship alive, trying to impress her, trying to get any emotional bond going with her.
People around me commented that she felt intimidating and 'didn't know how to speak to her'. This surprised me, because people were daring to say how they really felt and....they were feeling the same as me? So I wasn't crazy, other people ALSO felt the same feelings? and they felt validated enough to say them OUT LOUD? This thought really boggled my mind.

Anyway, before this, the new boyfriend I had met, had suddenly found another girl way more exciting than me. He was also annoyed because I was spending time with another girl who lived with us, getting to know her, and he said 'I preferred to be with her than him'. I hated myself so much that I remember just feeling surprised that he would even care or be bothered by not spending time with me. He also didn't like that I said I wasn't yet sure about sex, and back then, still felt like it was a dirty sin thanks to my upbringing.
He moved his attention to the new girl he found exciting. She started coming round to our flat all the time. She was....blonde, blue-eyed, rich and wasted no time in telling us all about how successful her family were, and her life back home on a sunny island.

I felt like a stray dog in comparison. I didn't have blonde her or big blue eyes and I certainly did not come from a rich, successful family. My family was steeped in trauma, and weird behaviour and no-one in our community back home liked them. How could I compare to her?

I fell into a deep depression, convinced that I was way too 'damaged' and 'unworthy' and 'abnormal' to be loved or worth caring about. My housemate at the time was great, though, and we spent many hours talking. She was the type of person who could see behind the facade of people, could read between the lines. She did not like either the guy or the new girl he was interested in.

The guy and his new interest started going out of their way to make sure I saw them and heard them. They would invite me to join them, where they would be passive aggressive and showy-offy. I didn't understand what on earth was going on. I just remember feeling so utterly...beneath them.

I got fed up of feeling like this, and resumed 'working on myself'. I decided to look after myself - at least appearance-wise. For the first time in my life, I got professionally done haircuts. I started experimenting with piercings on my ears. And listening to new music. Trying new events. Reading about new things.

For a brief period, I felt incredibly happy. I woke up everyday feeling like there was a million things I could do with my day. My social skills improved. I started experiencing what it was like to have friends to share your feelings with and it felt so novel and great. I really did enjoy this period.
I found out that the new love interest was actually really into one of my law buddies, which took me by surprise. I learnt that things weren't always as they seemed. She hooked up with my law buddy, who would tell me that actually, she was crazy, jealous, smug and incredibly self-obsessed and materialistic. I was so shocked by this because I had it in my head that nobody else but me could be defective in any way. And this is the girl that of course, somebody would leave me for! How could she have flaws?
Through him, I got to know her personally. And we spoke about the the guy I'd previously dated. She told me she had never liked him and that he was weird. I was really confused because they had spent so much time together, going out of their way to show me how great a time they were having together. I ignored this, because, hey, I was always wrong about anything. But over time, spending more time with her, I grew to detest her nastiness. Her pettiness. She would brag to me how she enjoyed making other people jealous. She would say and do the most petty things to watch people feel jealous or hurt in some way.

Eventually, after hearing a comment she made about the tv in my new student house being far too small, or cheap or not impressive enough, I snapped at her and stood up for myself. I told her I was absolutely sick and tired of the materialistic obsessions she had and the petty things she did and said to people just to make herself feel like she was above them.

She was my first lesson in the BIG naiive belief I'd had that nobody but me could be defective. My law buddy told me later how she constantly threatened to kill herself every time he stood up for himself. Makes me wonder now whether she had emotionally unstable personality disorder.

I didn't pass my law exams that year. The university told me I could sit them externally, at the next sitting, which would happen next summer.
That meant I no longer was eligible for student loans. I panicked - my biggest fear was that I would end up back home, in my mum's house. Where the abuse would just continue.

I'd visited home a few times since I'd left. Things hadn't gotten better. My eldest sister had had a kid just before I left. The thought made my blood run cold because even though I didn't have a name for it, I knew she was a horrible person. I knew she wouldn't make a good mother. I knew she would treat her child like an object. I'd already heard her say many times how she could be eligible for 'a free house' if she had children. She was violent, incredibly selfish, and treated every human being as a means to an end, using them to serve her own needs. She'd smoked heavily during her pregnancy.
Whenever I visited home, I bore witness to her being impatient, screaming and negligent. If the child cried in the car, she would blast up the music to drown him out. She would scream and swear at him. I can't explain the pain that would explode in me when I saw this. The sadness I felt for him felt like it would suffocate me. I couldn't keep quiet when it was another innocent being - I would take him, soothe him and stand up to her. She didn't like that and told us 'nobody can tell me how to raise my child' as if he BELONGED to her. This would make my blood boil. We got into screaming matches over it - I felt at a loss because I didn't want the child to see this, but was adamant that abuse would not occur under my watch. But him witnessing screaming, and making his mum even angrier...I knew she would just take it out on him, so I thought it best to leave. I felt damned either way.

I'd go home hoping to get respite from the big wide world I'd joined where things felt so confusing, new and inexperienced. I wanted breaks from what felt like....having to play catch up. As if I was having to go through childhood, adolescence and adhulthood all at the same time. Trying to learn all the skills I never learnt at home.
I'd come back from 'home' more exhausted and traumatised.

And now I had failed my law exams and wouldn't be within the safety blanket of living as a student, with some source of income from student loans, I felt like the ground was slipping beneath my feet.
I felt disgusted with myself. All those dreams and fantasies I'd had of working hard to leave home and THIS was all I had achieved? Going back home with my tail between my legs?
I was adamant that wouldn't happen.
For the first few weeks, I stayed with my sister. I felt so guilty because I felt like I was impeding on her freedom - she was a student herself and here I was, staying in her room, depressed. I felt so terrible that I could be affecting her experience to be young, free and without obligations.

I knew I had to get a job fast. I knew there were places in the city I had just moved from, where I could get a job pretty much within days. I really didn't want to go back, but I couldn't face the guilt of having to stay an extended period of time with my sister whilst I found a job in S-town.

So I took a cheap bus ride back there for an interview and got a job quickly. In another coffee/sandwich shop. I took an early AM train for my first shift. I had nowhere to stay, but figured I'd sort that out...somehow. I remember reading a book on the train - it pretty much saved my sanity at that time - it was a heavy, thick book that engrossed me away from not only my current problems in trying to survive, but in distracting me away from my trauma, which was always lurking around, heavy on my mind.
My first shift went quite well. The team were really nice. There was a lovely girl from Brazil, about my age, very smiley and kind. I felt reassured and peace for the first time in ages. Then the shift ended and I realised  had nowhere to stay.

I was so scared. I'd had a bit of money, and my sister had given me some money. I felt horribly guilty I had taken money from her, it made me feel repulsed to think I was burdening her with such big problems of a sister who was...homeless? When she deserved to be enjoying herself like all her other friends. But I was desperate, I vowed to pay her back when I got back on my feet. I rang her in tears, telling her I didn't know what to do. She told me to get any hotel and not even worry about the money. She was so protective back then.

It brings tears to my eyes because we no longer talk. Most days, I wake up and still can't believe how we ever got to this point. I don't think I can ever reach a point where I can accept where we are now. Apart and no contact.  :'(

I eventually came across a cheap hotel after walking up and down a busy road after work that night. It was cheap and utterly horrendous, but it did the job. I didn't want to touch anything - the sheets were old and looked unwashed, and the bathrooms were foul. I lay my coat on the bed and slept on that, praying morning would come quickly and the start of a new day would bring something different.

I went to work the next day happy to be out of the hotel. The good thing about working in a coffee shop was the free food. I definitely took advantage of that since I barely had any money. At least it was one less need to worry about.
That day was better. I got talking to one of my colleagues who was friendly, jovial and kind. He asked me where I was staying. I felt really embarrassed and couldn't think quickly enough to make up a story to hide the fact that I was pretty much homeless.

I mumbled something about a temporary hotel. He looked at me and said directly, 'you don't have anywhere to stay, do you?' He promised to call his friend who had a flat not too far away who would be able to help me. I didn't even have time to think about whether I could trust this. I just felt so grateful for a bit of help.

His friend came by at the end of the shift. Turned out, he shared a flat with his pregnant girlfriend. Hearing he had a pregnant girlfriend made me relieved. I'd had some experiences when I'd gone flat-hunting the previous year, where a landlord had told me he could 'make the rent lower if I could be his special friend'. So I was somewhat wary of men and accommodation set-ups.
That night at their flat - I'd never enjoyed a shower so much. I'd refused to shower in the hotel the previous shift as it was so dirty, that I felt sticky and gross. They had a palmolive almond shower wash. It felt so lush. They were extremely hospitable - told me I could use whatever products I wanted. Then we sat up playing poker and watching TV before I slept very well on the sofa.
I stayed there for a few nights before he found me a spare single room in his friend's house.

His friend was an odd Portugese lady, whose daughter had been a delinquent and sent to some kind of youth programme. She had a strange boyfriend. It was awkward encountering them so I mostly stayed in my room. But at least the rent was cheap. I spent ages cleaning the whole room and making it look as cosy as possible so it'd be somewhere I'd feel safe. There was no internet, though. This was a big problem for me at the time because I wanted no time whatsoever to myself to think about anything back then. It was too much. I just wanted to drown everything out - and coming home to a place where there wasn't an internet to distract me from myself would be *. So I'd go to the guy's flat - the one with the pregnant girlfriend - we would play games whilst I streamed videos to watch for later on my laptop - then I'd watch them before bed in my single room, which still felt somewhat sticky even after I scrubbed it from top to bottom. Everything in that flat felt sticky.

Sometimes her daughter came to visit and it felt so awkward. The atmosphere was so strained. I felt like they had a difficult mother-daughter relationship and perhaps me taking over what I presumed to be her room made her feel like I was trying to take her place. It was awkward to say the least. They must have felt it too because not long after, the mother told me she'd changed her mind about letting the room.

I was back to being homeless again.

I was starting to earn a bit of money to feel like I could begin to build my life, slowly. I treated myself to some ankle boots that had a heel. I'd had my eye on them for ages. I remember I'd put them on, even though I had nowhere to go, and walk on the balcony outside the flat, just enjoying feeling like I was strolling down a catwalk in my new, beautiful heels. They were - relative to my budget back then - quite pricey. I'd decided I didn't care and deserved to have something nice.
I returned them a few weeks later when I realised I needed the money more than I needed nice boots.

Meanwhile, work had been great for a while, but now the manager had come back. Apparently he'd been on leave when I'd started. So I'd only experienced work so far without him overseeing everybody. When they introduced him to me, I felt a trickle of unease. Something about him seemed off.
And my instincts proved correct. He was the micro-managing type, the sort who loved to feel powerful. He would hover over everybody and nit-pick at the smallest things. Nobody really liked him. I was beginning to get protective over my Brazilian friend and other friends I'd now made, who were from difficult backgrounds, and needed this job. I felt like he knew they were desperate and this made him feel more powerful that he could treat them how he wanted. It was made obvious to us that we were disposable if we didn't like it.
I began to resent him for it. I'd purposely ignore him because I felt done being nice to horrible people. He would say hello to me, smirk, whilst making a horrible remark. I'd ignore him, then he would have a go at me later for 'not being friendly and saying hi'. I'd protest my innocence and claim it was because I was softly spoken and perhaps he didn't hear me. I started to feel very vengeful towards people who treated vulnerable people badly, and wanted to play them at their own game.

I knew I was putting my job in jeopardy but I started to care less.
After the Portugese landlady had told me to leave, I'd ended up in a worse place. It was a horrible flat share with an old, cranky woman and very strange housemates. The appliances in the kitchen wouldn't even work and if I thought my previous place was sticky, that was nothing in comparison to the new place. If you put your hand on the tabletop, you'd feel it stick and get greasy. I wanted out of here, and of my job with the overbearing manager.

I started spending more of my free time in the library. Looking up job application and interview tips. I put my all into applying for an admin job in a very fancy hospital. And I'd got an interview! I thought I'd give this my very best shot and if it didn't work out, I was ready to leave and apply for social security benefits. I felt drained and exhausted of all my resources and my trauma wasn't even getting a look in - though ever present of course.

I went for the interview and loved every minute of it. The ladies who interviewed me were lovely. They were warm, kind, funny and it felt more like a chat with friends than an interview. I felt really positive coming out of it.

Work at the coffee shop was getting worse. I'd had enough of the manager and felt sick of his controlling and demeaning ways. He'd told me off for 'not singing and dancing happily' when he'd asked me to sweep the floor, as apparently that showed I wasn't a good team player. I asked him to give me his decision on my probation period early, as we were allowed to do that. He said he wanted more time to assess me but I insisted.
So he took me aside and gave me a run-down on all the reasons why I wasn't suitable. That I answer back and am not diligent.
I saw red and told him I disagreed with all of that, but that was the side of me he saw as a consequence of dealing with his controlling ways.
I then told him I would not be working the mandatory 2 weeks I'd need to, and now that he had given me feedback, I'd like to give him feedback. I told him the first few weeks he wasn't here, were wonderful.
I told him everybody worked well, everyone was happy and it made me want to work harder when everybody was nice and helpful to one another. But that the minute he got back and even before that, when there were whispers of his imminent return - people started changing. They became nervous, unhappy, made more mistakes and became less helpful to each other and more two-faced in an attempt to win favour with him. I told him his micro-managing was unbearable and that it was really unfair of him to rely on the fact that vulnerable people who came from poor backgrounds who felt they had no choice but to put up with his behaviour - in order to treat them badly and get away with it.

He was speechless. I left the room with him gaping at me, mouth wide open and walked out, feeling pretty amazing, even if I had lost my damned job.
I rang home to tell them (god knows why) - one of my older sisters who lived close to my mum (not the one I'd moved to S-town with) started on the usual spiel: about how it was all my fault blah blah blah and for the first time, I didn't care. I had stood up for myself and my friends and felt powerful. I truly didn't care what life would throw at me then and there and somehow knew within my bones I'd be ok.

Something about standing up for myself made me feel stronger, and made me start caring about myself more. Truly caring about myself.

I heard back from the lovely ladies at the fancy hospital I'd had an interview at for the admin job. They told me they had really enjoyed chatting to me, and were ready to give me the job but somebody had come in after me with hospital experience which they were bound to give the job to, as that automatically made them fill the person specification. They told me to please continue applying for jobs with them whenever opportunities popped up, as they could see me fitting in well. I didn't feel too disappointed, as they seemed genuine in their praise.

I decided to go back to S-town (running...again.....). I thought to myself 'no-one can say I didn't try now, no-one can accuse me of having done nothing...'. All I wanted to do was rest. I thought I had to prove I needed rest before I could give myself permission to give myself it. Because the chorus of narcissistic replies would play over and over in my head. How everything is always my fault. How I am worthless.

So I went to S-town, and applied for government support whilst I could get my head together. It wasn't much, but it was enough, whilst I rested and looked for jobs at my own pace. At first, I felt disgusted with myself. I felt like a failure. I watched all my law buddies pass and progress, whilst I would go to the job centre where the people looked dishevelled and downtrodden. But after a while, it started to feel....safe somewhat. I could be around these dishevelled-looking people and be one of them and it was OK, because we were all struggling in one way or another.
I found a room sharing a house with a medical student close to where my sister was living. The time was coming closer towards the second sitting of my law exams, as an external student. I was applying for jobs left, right and centre and contemplating whether or not I should study for this degree which I hated so much. So I attempted to do both.

I got 2 job offers come through on the same day (typical....). One at a department store, working within their offices. Another, in a hospital, as an assistant. I was so excited about both, I couldn't choose.
I sat my re-sit law exams, and failed...again. There was one more opportunity to sit them, that summer. I'd have to apply for mitigating circumstances to prove I should be given the opportunity to sit them. I really, really didn't want to. But what else would I do? My mum was harpering on endlessly, bragging about having both a law student and a medical student (my sister) as daughters. I knew it gave her so much pride. I felt guilty, somewhat, to crush her dreams of living through...us, I guess.
So I applied for the mitigating circumstances and got them.

In the meantime, I chose the hospital job.
Why?
I remembered back to my father, when I was younger, before he passed away when I was 10. He had cancer, and was always in and out of hospitals. I remembered the feeling of being in hospitals made me feel closer to him. I remembered how exciting it was to go to the gift shop to buy sweets. To sit in the lounge and read magazines and play with toys, waiting to see him. I'd read those crazy stories that some magazines told aimed towards middle-aged women. The sorts of real-life stories where insane things happened. They gave me comfort, because they made my home life feel less insane and isolating - those stories were more like how life at home was for me than my friends'.

I yearned for the feelings I felt visiting my Dad in hospital. We'd listen to Britney Spears songs on our journey there. Those were probably the few times I felt happy as a child. Even though it sounds morbid, I know. I loved my Dad, and him and hospitals came together, in my mind.

Plus - and this feels embarrassing to admit - I had seen beautiful, elegant women who were young doctors. They seemed to have partners who loved them, and people who admired them. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be seen as worthy, as elegant, as.....acceptable. Maybe that's slightly narcissistic of me? All I knew was I wanted to be anything other than the horrible self I had inside of me.

So I accepted that job. I felt so guilty at turning down the other job that I couldn't face telling them. I feared they would yell at me for disappointing them. So I ignored their offer. I'd feel so guilty when they kept calling me, but I just couldn't face the risk that they would scream at me for wasting their time. I still feel guilty about that to this day, somehow.

Regardless, life moved on. I started my new job. It was a commute to get to, in a nearby small city that was wonderful. Picturesque, medieval little town. I loved the commute in the summer.
I found I fit in very well in this job. For the first time in ages, I felt like I fitted in. At first, I didn't know how to talk to patients. What was appropriate and what wasn't. Over time, I found confidence in myself and found that my natural responses made me fit right in. I had an overabundance of empathy and oddly enough - it wasn't being abused in the setting where it was actually needed. I found myself flourishing. So much so, that the day for my resit law exams came and went and I decided not to go. I was confident and simply did not want to do what I didn't want to do. I felt no qualms whatsoever about forfeiting from Law once and for all.

I stayed in that job and it paid pretty well. I started enjoying life. I moved in with some friends, and started partying more. I stopped thinking so much about everything and let loose (maybe a bit too much!). I had money, my new friends were supportive, and I felt young and free.

I had a horrible dream yesterday.

I dreamt everybody had found this journal and more, that they knew all my emotions and deepest fears. They spread it around and it went viral. I was heartbroken and decided not to delete it, but felt such shame. My housemate in my dream stuck up for me.

I feel so triggered and awful now, as if I shouldn't be journalling afterall. Its like my mind wants to go against my new coping mechanisms.  :'(

Quote from: holidayay on August 20, 2019, 07:14:58 AMIts like my mind wants to go against my new coping mechanisms.

That's what it sounds like to me. We developed a set of coping strategies and beliefs that kept us alive, and these mechanisms became deeply ingrained habits. Acting against these habits can make our minds go  :aaauuugh:. You're also doing a lot, dredging through your memories and emotions, and that can be hard, vulnerable, scary work. But baby steps. You're doing so well with your journalling, and I hope you're finding it helpful.  :hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on August 20, 2019, 07:37:18 AM

Quote from: holidayay on August 20, 2019, 07:14:58 AMIts like my mind wants to go against my new coping mechanisms.

That's what it sounds like to me. We developed a set of coping strategies and beliefs that kept us alive, and these mechanisms became deeply ingrained habits. Acting against these habits can make our minds go  :aaauuugh:. You're also doing a lot, dredging through your memories and emotions, and that can be hard, vulnerable, scary work. But baby steps. You're doing so well with your journalling, and I hope you're finding it helpful.  :hug:

Thanks for the validation there.  :)
Gosh, it seems like a lot of the antidote for c-ptsd seems to be around receiving validation. Its like we are validation-deficient.

Feeling much better now. Just finished my first on-call shift ever and it went rather well! :)

Yeah, you've written an awful lot here in a short amount of time. Its really good that you are able to do so, but it can be difficult. I've had similar feelings all day after writing out my history for the first time. I think its just a part of the process. Hopefully it will pass soon, for both of us.

I'm really glad you have your own place to live now. It is so difficult to heal or accomplish much of anything when you don't have somewhere safe to retreat to. Keep up the good work. Take care! :)

 :wave: Hello holidayay

QuoteGosh, it seems like a lot of the antidote for c-ptsd seems to be around receiving validation. Its like we are validation-deficient.

I think you might be right, we got so little of it from our parents and family, I think perhaps we didn't develop a sense of our own goodness or an ability to know how to discern  what is appropriate.

Thank you for sharing your journey and congratulations on your graduation and first successful shift.

I'm being triggered so much right now and also overnight.

For some reason I keep thinking back to a girl in my primary school. Who had a lot of attitude and was quite mouthy. I remembered how it sometimes felt like the teachers were giving her a lot of attention to try to pacify her. I remember being jealous of the  extra care and attention she would get from them. I'd get so frustrated that here at school, too, it seemed like the louder and most aggressive your behaviour, the more attention you would receive.

I felt so deprived of love and care and was desperate to get it from anywhere. Seeing her get that attention as reactions to her playing up made me feel so angry. This is exactly what all my siblings did at home. I didn't understand it. If I dared to make myself less invisible, I'd be shamed for it. I'd be yelled at and humiliated and berated for having feelings. I'd be told I was 'showing off' and 'spoilt' and a drama queen, and very quickly, I would shut down and feel stupid and ridiculous for daring to 'expose' my needs and break out of the status quo. But when my other siblings did it - attention given to them would persist. And now this girl at school was doing it and the same thing was happening! My child brain just didn't understand what it was I needed to do - to BE - to get the nurturing, love and attention I desperately craved.

There was a residential trip to an adventure place that year. I desperately wanted to go. I loved adventure.
I remember my mum acting as though it was ludicrous to even think I could bother to ask. Forget a child having wants and preferences in my house. The very idea was absolutely ridiculous and laughable to her. I meekly dared to bring up the idea of my going to the trip and it was shut down very quickly. She raged and yelled at me that residential trips where you stay over are for 'sinful' people with no shame and no morals to want to stay over somewhere that isn't home. I froze up and immediately felt so much self-loathing for daring to think bringing it up was a good idea. It felt like it was my fault for not being able to get it right - how did I just not get that my needs and wants just DIDN'T matter?
The school tried to do a nice thing of allowing the kids who weren't given permission to stay over for the trip a chance to go for the last day, where they would go and come back the same day that the trip would end.
Although I was able to go, it felt depressing and humiliating to be one of the kids who just rocked up at the end. It felt like we were the unwanteds, the ones who didn't deserve to have what the other kids have. And the last day of the trip had such lame activities, compared to the other day. We were told to bring a change of clothes in case we got wet/dirty. They hadn't planned in advance what activities would take place which day.
I knew there was abseiling and river activities. I was really excited about trying one of those more 'out there' ones. Instead, when we rocked up on the last day, there was......lots of walking and a game akin to tag.

The girl who received more attention from teachers by being rude and aggressive came over to me and told me all they'd been up to.
I was so envious and angry at my mum and my life and myself. This girl talked about doing those things so casually, like it was no big deal.
To me, it was made to feel like madness to even THINK I could join in. Yet she was being so casual about all the fun she'd had.

There was absolutely no point even mentioning this to my mum when I got home. By now I was well aware how she'd react. She would rage at me, call me all kinds of names for wanting to have fun, and then shame me for it and being selfish, before bringing the conversation around to herself and her life and problems, a conversation which never seemed to end.

It was easier to stuff down my wants, needs, frustration, loneliness, shame, anger, embarrassment and cravings for love and care to myself and live in fantasies, where I would dream up better living conditions, scenarios where I would receive love and care.

Quote from: Just Hatched on August 21, 2019, 04:24:41 AM
:wave: Hello holidayay

QuoteGosh, it seems like a lot of the antidote for c-ptsd seems to be around receiving validation. Its like we are validation-deficient.

I think you might be right, we got so little of it from our parents and family, I think perhaps we didn't develop a sense of our own goodness or an ability to know how to discern  what is appropriate.

Thank you for sharing your journey and congratulations on your graduation and first successful shift.

Hi justhatched and thank you  :)
I would agree, I think this missing link can be the root cause of so many of the symptoms we experience.

I just read a quote of Bessel van der Kolk's the other day, "Communicating fully is the opposite of being traumatized."

From https://www.mindingtherapy.com/healing-of-trauma-van-der-kolk/ - shine other really good quotes there.

Quote from: Three Roses on August 22, 2019, 02:02:33 PM
I just read a quote of Bessel van der Kolk's the other day, "Communicating fully is the opposite of being traumatized."

From https://www.mindingtherapy.com/healing-of-trauma-van-der-kolk/ - shine other really good quotes there.

I love this. Its just the perfect summary, right there.

Its so amazing to come on here and find people who just get things as I do in my head, still not used to this idea.

Holidayay, I am up-to-date on reading your journal.  Thank you for sharing your story.

Quote from: notalone on August 23, 2019, 01:54:21 AM
Holidayay, I am up-to-date on reading your journal.  Thank you for sharing your story.

Thanks for reading  :)

I'm so tired. I have 3 days off now, thankfully, but its strange - in work, I am in a certain head space, which slowly dissolves away when I get home and the flashbacks return. Then I am back in that frightened, confused, helpless child head space again.

Did anyone feel...resentful the more time is spent around non-abusers, and it becomes a stark contrast to how we used to be treated?
I feel really resentful over all the great childhood things I missed out on because of my overbearing mother who was obsessed with controlling every facet of our lives.
We weren't allowed to have friends, we weren't allowed out of the house other than for school/grocery shopping, and definitely not allowed to have fun, as 'laughter is bad for you' (weird, as everywhere else, laughter is considered the best medicine). I don't have any childhood friends as a result. It really angers me that I missed out on this; what seems like a great bond, and a huge source of comfort, safety and stability all to satisfy one narcissist's abusive ways and thirst for control and need to spread misery.

We definitely weren't allowed to have boyfriends. This of course contributed to a delayed development in terms of how to relate to the opposite sex. There was such a weird, intense spotlight on other people's intimate lives, and that included ours. The boys in the family had more leeway, though.
I remember my oldest sister was always in conflict with my mum, and wanting to one-up her'. Tired of my mum's tirades about how having a boyfriend was a sin and what only girls who did certain professions would have - my sister was alerted when whispers started that my brother had found himself a girlfriend.
So one day, she took it upon herself to drive us, including my mum, to an area where she knew my brother hung out. There, we saw hi holding hands with a girl. My sister was overjoyed: she exclaimed 'EXPOSED!' and smirked at my mum, waiting to hear what she would say, as here it was, proof in front of our very ways. There was no way my mum could gaslight us or twist this.
I felt so scared, wondering what was going to happen. Experience had taught me that my mum hated losing control and power over a situation. I always felt panicky and sick when situations like this arose, as it meant even more uncertainty as to how she would react, and I felt helpless.

More than that, I felt so confused. I'd been led to believe so strongly that not having a relationship meant keeping your virtue. Why was my brother having a girlfriend when at home, he parroted a lot of what my mother said? I'd had my own crushes and always felt it was too outrageous to even dare to think I could explore those feelings...yet here he was!

I looked at my mum and she just went silent. The arrogance in not even needing to protest, or at least make up a pathetic excuse, made me feel so angry and confused.
My sister was just happy to have 'got one up' on my mother. She was grinning the whole way home.

I'm so frustrated that my childhood memories are like this one: weird, filled with confusion, helplessness and misery.

Sometimes when I start having fun and relaxing now, I get confused because I don't know what is supposed to come next. Then I get on high-alert. I only know the place of panic, despair and helplessness, where I am fighting to escape and make sense of things.

The awareness that this is because my childhood conditioned me into this makes me feel so incredibly angry and resentful. My mum's obsessions with infiltrating our lives with her dominance and warped views is such a weird, useless endeavour that despite all the hardship I experienced in trying to navigate around it, had no real beneficial or useful end result. All that trauma and energy spent seems like such a waste. I have a lot of anger towards her and feel so tempted to be able to fight back, tell her exactly what I think of her, and bring her down more than a few notches. I want to relive all those moments where she exerted her power and abuse over us, and do them differently - react to them as I would my adult self and throw the trauma and shame, guilt, confusion and helplessness back to the source from where it came: HER. It was hers to carry - she was the one who delivered it - how dare she pass it on to children.

And I am angry at my older siblings for not being saviours, for not recognising what I am recognising now - they were adults way sooner than I was - and making an effort to save me from all this mess. I am angry they were unaware and not intelligent and not interested in doing the right thing.
I am angry there wasn't one single adult in my life who bothered to take a stand against all of the abuse, control and trauma and be willing to stand up against the wrongdoing.

QuoteI am angry there wasn't one single adult in my life who bothered to take a stand against all of the abuse, control and trauma and be willing to stand up against the wrongdoing.

This might sound weird to you but I wish I could get in touch with the anger I know I have. Pete Walker says that "angering" is essential for true healing to occur. This is from his website, http://pete-walker.com -

Quote... we can assign and direct our anger into a self-protective protest about the unfair past, and our tears into self-compassionate crying for the plight of the child we were. Finally, it cannot be stressed enough that it takes a great deal of practicing both of these responses to heal the developmental arrest of being blocked from our all important instincts of self-protection and self-compassion.

Hugs to you, holidayay.  :hug:

As uncomfortable as it may be, I think it is healthy and good that you are able to feel your anger and frustration and then to verbalize it.

Quote from: notalone on August 24, 2019, 07:08:49 PM
As uncomfortable as it may be, I think it is healthy and good that you are able to feel your anger and frustration and then to verbalize it.

Really?
I don't know what to DO with it. And when it comes up, I start panicking...how long will this last? What will happen to me if this continues?

Is it because maybe I am not used to allowing it to be there without it getting shut down with seconds that no precedent has been set in my mind that actually....anger can come and then dissipate?   :Idunno:

Its the end of my 3 day break, and I'm back to work tomorrow.

It hasn't been a nice day today. And now I can't sleep. My mind won't stop. It's like I released a dam holding back all my accumulated feelings/thoughts from over the years that were brushed aside/denied/dismissed/ridiculed, which are now all competing and fighting to get my attention all at the same time.

I can't stop thinking about how sorry I feel for my family of origin where all the trauma originates.
We didn't have an easy life. We moved countries when I was only 4, into a new culture, new language, new way of life.
I keep thinking about the torment they must have all endured. how confusing it must have been and have difficult they must have found it.

It pains me so much to think of them suffer, and yes I know, they don't care about me in the same way.
Even just the thought of people with personality disorders having their issues rooted in trauma breaks my heart.
Does that mean its not their fault, the way they behave?
Is my mum's endless vitriolic, angry rants all a cause of her own trauma seeping out, an ugly festering wound that frequently bleeds when its picked at - is her not constantly getting her way akin to picking at this wound of shame and trauma which SHE experienced and which she now tries her best never to feel again?

If those with NPD have a condition as a result of trauma - how can I dehumanise them and label them 'evil and unhealthy to be around'. I have c-ptsd as a result of trauma....does this mean I should consider myself dehumanised and unhealthy to be around?

All I remember of my mother is her anger. It was like she had years and years and years of stored up, repressed anger and frustration. Is this the anger of the child she was when HER emotions were first cut down and rejected?
By rejecting her, am I forcing her to relive her trauma of being rejected by her parents?
And if no-one is to blame, as its certainly not their fault trauma happened to them, how can things ever change?

I remember her having screaming matches with my father who was ill with cancer. It didn't seem to stop her much that he was weak and ill.
Although she loves to throw it as a defense now that 'she was overburdened with a sick husband and lots of children to look after...many people would have crumbled but she tried her best...and how can i always focus on the bad and put her down'.

It breaks my heart to think of this now.
Its almost like I can hear HER inner child crying out for approval: why do you only pick out my faults and flaws and never give me credit for any of the good I do?

Letter to my mother
Because, mother, the bad you do has completely traumatised me and you continue to behave in that way.
It would be different if you were under a lot of pressure and couldn't cope but later tried to make amends.
You have never done that. You have only ever continued to blame, shame, and guilt me.

I'm too ashamed to feel ordinary feelings because of you. I'm too ashamed to allow myself to have any rights to any feelings and reactions. I feel so horribly unworthy because of your words and the control you exerted over me as a child, that I feel I only deserve to be oppressed and ignored. I don't feel deserving of fun because of the way you always lambasted any kind of fun or any activity I wanted to do. You called it 'sins' and amoral to want to have friends and to do normal things that children enjoyed.

Because of you, everytime I pass by a beautiful lake or a hill, I feel paralysed and fearful and depressed. Because those were the places the community we were in would do day trips to, and you used to lock the doors and declare we weren't going and couldn't go and a bunch of other vitriolic, nasty things to shame me for wanting to go with them.
Because of you, little things like going to a bowling alley also triggers panic, depression and fear.
When I go shopping, the effect of retail therapy wears off a day later, when I look at my new purchases and feel sick, paralysed and unworthy of having any money spent on me.

I remember I didn't even feel deserving of a comfortable and correct school uniform. The schools gave out vouchers for us to buy our own. I really wanted and needed it - the teachers were screaming at me everyday for going in with the wrong shoes, the wrong clothes. I'd be too terrified to ask you. You acted like it was all a huge burden. You sighed, yelled, and/or dismissed me.
You used the vouchers to buy my older brother trainers because you favoured boys over girls, or something to that effect. I didn't mind he had it because I loved him very much, he was kind to me and he deserved to have shoes and clothes, but what about me? If he used my voucher, what would I wear?
How would I get the teachers to stop yelling at me everytime they recognised I wasn't wearing the correct uniform?

I''m mad at you for not being able to take care of those needs for me back then that still haunt me. I don't even know how to fully enjoy my nice, new house because it is TOO nice. I am only used to having rooms with moulds, broken down beds and old furniture that didn't go, and which is filled with things hoarded up by you because you didn't like to throw anything out. I'm used to ugly old duvets that hadn't been washed because for some reason, you didn't like to buy/use washing machines and would get angry if I took it upon myself to wash anything.
I'd be too scared to clean up, because of your angry reaction.

I'm trying everyday to grow up and live as an adult, whilst healing and learning self-compassion. I don't fully know how to do any of those things yet.
What I do know - I'm so angry at you for halting my normal development. Instead of allowing me to experience, feel and understand, you:
- shamed
- guilted
- terrified
- ridiculed
- humiliated
- and bullied

me out of feeling any of my feelings, living through any of my experiences, being soothed by things that terrified me.
And I feel like that child, paralysed at age 4/5, wanting to tell you that I am tired, scared, feel so upset by your comments that make fun of me, especially when I need you the most and most of all: so confused that i can't make sense of any of what i feel and why it makes you so angry and horrible that I now don't even know what the original feeling is, because now I have zoned out of my body and feel too numb and dissociated from the original thing that happened, although the underlying fear is very much there, which has only become way worse since you reacted.
I just wanted a hug, and to be able to tell my story from my day at school, and to let you know what the teachers said to tell you, and to ask you for help because I feel lonely at school, I don't know the language and I can't remember all the rules like when to bring my instrument for my music class.

But you've already made it so obvious all of these things bother you - they seem to upset you and make you so angry and i can't understand why! Other than I must be so awful, so disturbing, so unloveable that its me that is the problem. 

That's a powerful letter Holidayay, sounds like you're making good progress. Take care! :)

FRIENDSHIPS - PART 1

Its been a mixed bag couple of days.

On the one hand, I feel some healing has started to take place. I feel like I've started to see things really clear and been able to put the pieces of my fragmented self slowly together to get a look at the overall picture. On the other hand, some of the realisations have made me feel incredibly sad.

I've been reading the memoir of a girl about life in her twenties. Stories of her and her friends, who she's had since she was a teenager. They supported each other and have remained in each other's lives for so long.

It made me realise there is so much I deny myself, and have denied myself.
She speaks of how they got each other through the rough days. How after breaks up, she'd stay over in her friend's bed. How, after her friend's sibling passed away, she was there for her all the time.
It made me think back to all the friendships I had. They weren't reflective of my real self at all. I constantly felt like I had to please, impress and make other people's lives easy in order to be accepted.

If i was upset, I'd be frantic with panic that they wouldn't want the burden.
I remember reaching out to a girl after my sibling passed away, though we didn't know each other too well, I was vulnerable and frank and told her I could really use a friend right now. She was in the community within which I'd grown up so we'd sort of known each other.
She ignored my messages and I'd heard from another friend she'd said she 'didn't want to get involved' with me. I remember that moment so well - it plunged me into so much despair and self-hatred and sitting on that bus, listening to my friend tell me what she had said about me, I felt myself getting hot and so upset, embarrassed and humiliated. I felt exposed and like I had made such a fool of myself in reaching out. I felt like a stain on somebody's shoe.
Years later, that same girl added me on facebook. With great vengence, I rejected her request and set up a revenge plan to humiliate her in the same way I'd felt so humiliated. I had a college buddy who was very shallow and into easy hook-ups. I told him to message her, knowing full well she wasn't a massive looker. She was overweight and didn't have the commercial look that he was into. After he'd messaged her, I told him what she really looked like. I went on his profile and sent her a message to reject HER. Being mean about how she looked. I thought it would make me feel better and give me peace where she was concerned.
It didn't. it made me feel pathetic and horrible. Looking back, I realise I was trying to play the mean girl game. Thinking that's what it took to give me credibility and a sense of self.
Because being a grieving sixteen year old was unacceptable to her, a thing she 'didn't want to get bogged down with' and therefore, it was unacceptable to me. That's who I really was at the time, and who i wish I allowed myself to be. Instead of allowing the superficial, fickle verdict of a girl who only wanted to hang out with the 'cool crowd', as she was known.

I was grieving but still in that desperate state of wanting to be liked, valued, accepted. I'd never had that, and was troubled by it everyday, that even losing a sibling didn't overshadow it. Grieving was another thing added to my list of things I didn't know I could give myself permission to do. No-one cared how I felt about losing my brother at home.
The only time I gave myself permission to grieve was when it hit me, during long nights of revision, and I would suddenly be alert with the unbelievable idea that he had really gone. I would cry, and write him letters. One time, after another one of my mum's narcissistic rage episodes, with my sister being her accomplice, in a hot fit of rage, I opened up a word tab and out spilled a poem that I didn't know I had within me.

Thank god for writing.

I wish I had never felt so weak, that I cared about the thoughts of a supposedly 'cool' girl.
Why on earth did I think she would really want to help me, anyway? Did I think my sadness would give her pity enough to take notice of me and finally, I'd be validated? She was similar in talk and mannerisms to the abusive members of my family, in fact, she had often made it clear she had a lot of respect and admiration for my older sister who is very abusive. They were both of the same ilk - the type of mean girl in school who somehow would make others feel like their approval was needed. I guess I wanted from her what I never felt I got. I wanted acceptance and support from a 'cool' person who wasn't afraid to be outspoken and trample over others to get themselves seen and heard and therefore get their needs met. In my twisted mentality, it felt like that was the right way to be - because hey, it worked for them. They were noticed. They got reactions. I felt like a nothing in comparison, and just couldn't understand how to BE like them. So maybe if I could be WITH them and accepted BY them, I'd feel whatever I needed to feel which I just couldn't get by myself.

Friendships were never stable, or what I was really wanting.
For a long time, I wanted someone who had all the answers, to be a surrogate 'mother' or 'caregiver'.
For another period after that, when I realised with despair that I couldn't get that, I slipped into people-pleaser mode. I became the eternal care-giver, because hey, just like at home, if I couldn't get the support, I might as well give it since no-one else could, and that gave me some notice because giving made others feel good and that was enough for them to notice me.

I had friendship after friendship that was chaotic. Looking back, it was the same friendship playing over.
I'd let someone in, listen to all their problems, tirelessly try to help, only to be met with being used and tossed away, drained and exhausted - once drained, those friends would disappear or I'd get so drained, I couldn't stand to be in their company anymore.
I had no boundaries at all.

There was the 3 girls I met when I first left home. One of them hated when I cried or got upset. She made it obvious I wasn't cool enough, nor rich enough. She wanted rich friends, rich boyfriends, and to go shopping all the time. I couldn't do that. She made it obvious I was a kill-joy to her. Her sister was in this group - she was nicer and more empathetic, but bless her, she seemed to have paranoia and some kind of psychosis, where she believed the KGB were out to get her. The third girl in this group was more neutral. She didn't seem to have a personality - sort of just took on whatever flavour there was. I didn't know I could choose who to like and want to be around. I just felt that any sort of bad feeling or conflict was because everything is my fault.
So I stuck around with them until the bold one who made it clear she didn't like me decided I was to be ditched.

I was absolutely heartbroken. I thought I'd tried so hard to finally have a group of friends within which to call home. I'd even spent all my student loan money early just to keep up with the shopping sprees. But she didn't want to know - at all. I was so depressed. She upped her game by following me around the student halls of residence and making threats to beat me up. I felt terrified - then angry. What had I actually done to her other than try my best to fit in with her superficiality? So I stood up for myself and we had a blazing argument in the hallway.
They left me alone after that. The neutral girl was also dropped - she stuck up for herself after one of the other girls insisted she copy her essays, without thought of the plagiarism rules.
We teamed up, I suppose since we didn't really have anyone else.

We'd watch episodes of charmed together. We'd look for jobs together. Have sleep-overs together. Go to bookstores together.
I could never understand it, but i always felt uneasy. Like I just didn't fully know how to communicate with her. She didn't behave in a way which asked me to be her saviour. Without that, it felt like my role was...redundant. I didn't know how to have fun and just be.
We made another friend, with whom I also felt similar. Though they both treated me with more respect, I felt like an alien in their company. Their families both had money and were...normal. I despised being in their company, because I did not feel like it was ok to be my true self, to dilvulge the full horrors of my past that was haunting me in dreams, flashbacks and the eternal inner critic.
After a few years, after moving away from that city, I couldn't bear to carry on pretending and I on-purpose drifted them out of my life. I thought I needed friends - friendships were what people had - but I didn't know how to do them, at all. A few times, I'd get back in touch, thinking I should work harder at it...not realising the entire time that that was the problem to begin with. Friendships aren't about WORK. I'd get exhausted than drift away again until finally, I got to a place when I got into medical school where I started to slowly learn how to be myself in friendships.
The old terms under which those previous friendships had operated were no longer in existence. it was so liberating to meet people who would openly talk of their hardships. Who also didn't come from money. Who also had difficult family relations.

It took many, many years of work before I began to really learn about friendships and what they meant to me.
I feel bittersweet that I learnt about friendship like this. That my friendships I had when I was young and DID feel like I could be myself - playing, exchanging secrets, simply being myself - had been ended abruptly after my father passed away and my mum's control came into full force.
I resent her for altering my life's development with her need for control and oppression. I feel like telling her that was the dumbest move she could have made and that she is selfish. She says it was for our own good, to protect us from others, (we'll understand when we're older) - an infuriating response. No, I wanted to go out and play with my good friends and be a child and there was nothing about those carefree childhood friendships she needed to protect me from - and she can stop pretending that's her excuse as it is obvious it wasn't about protecting us at all - she loved having attention from her own friends for goodness sake.

This is without a doubt one of the most infuriating things about my mother. How she speaks of her actions as 'being for our own good' and always something 'we'll understand when we're older' and shutting down any protests or need to understand or frustration, anger, or hurt at being deprived of the right to have fun. She says it with such arrogance, haughtiness and in a brisk, dismissive way, to let me know quickly that that's the end of the conversation. All the while, she is behaving completely at odds with these oppressive rules.

I have an exam to study for, which will take place on tuesday.

I've done a little bit of work, but keep getting triggered.
I know this process is necessary and I no longer want to hide away from it or just distract myself (never worked anyway) but sometimes, I just don't have the time. I hate how trauma doesn't care about present-day responsibilities or what you can shoulder. In fact, it seems to laugh in the face of 'how much can you reasonably shoulder' and seems to fight back harder when there is increased stress/pressure.

I guess my scared inner child feels more vulnerable during these periods and cries out harder.

I was triggered today by re-connecting with a friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to in 6 months.
She told me my sister had attempted to add her on social media. This made me stomach twist with anxiety: my sister just doesn't seem to want to let go of her hold over me. She likes the old dynamics far too much, where she was in control and got all her needs met so well, at my expense.
I've put up all the boundaries and walls, and still she tries to sneak in.

Thankfully, this friend said she wasn't interested and ignored the friend request.

It got me triggered off about my memories with my sisters.
How for many years, I tried desperately to forge a new 'normal' life, after we had turned into adults and moved away from the toxic home. I didn't realise they weren't up for this ride and wanted to continue the cycle of dysfunction - they essentially replaced abusive mum with abusive boyfriends.
I remember things like wanting to visit my sister, have dinner, a cup of tea, a chat, a catch up, maybe go shopping....all the normal things. The things a lot of people took for granted which i was very excited to now finally be able to do.
She didn't seem so interested in those things.

She just wanted to talk and moan and analyse her abusive boyfriend's behaviour, and repeat the same old obsessional chatter.
They had a hugely dysfunctional relationship and both their behaviour was insane. She was hellbent on receiving affection and love and when he didn't give it, she would turn nasty, both verbally and physically. I hated their dynamics. I hated how none of it made sense. There wasn't even a clear victim or perpetrator. She liked to paint his character black but listening to the stories and watching them together, they were both as vicious and bad as each other.

I hated hearing his name more than I did anything else during those days.
And when he eventually separated and insisted on it, she was depressive, and became very self-centred and short. I was getting sick and tired of the rigamarole of these relationship obsessions and simply just wanted normal family interactions that didn't focus obsessively on the behaviour of one ridiculous man! Does that make me selfish for wanting my vision of family life instead of being an audience to this pointless, energy draining, toxic non-stop to and fro partnership? I can finally say: no it isn't. I'm not selfish for wanting to have mutuality.

I remember hearing she'd had a minor accident and was home resting. I told her I'd visit, and took the train ride over. I bought her ice cream and thought we'd have a comforting evening to calm her down.
She wasn't happy to see me. She'd snapped at me for making a fuss and telling my other sister about it. I felt so upset, confused, rejected and then annoyed. What - just WHAT - was wrong with going over with ice cream and informing our other sister of what had happened? isn't that what families DID?
It seemed like every family member had their own, uniquely dysfunctional rulebook that was random and difficult to predict: it left me with a deep sense of unease, instability and non-safety, as I didn't know what would trigger off which person.

So, instead of the comforting evening I'd thought of, instead she went on and on about her ex. And then she went on about the new target of her need for affection: a random guy in the current house-share, who she had started to idealise and create a weird, fantasy of care and nurturance over. She spoke of his softness and gentleness and how he 'just wanted to care for her' (all the guys who she ended up in terrible relationships with 'just wanted to care for her'. She speaks at such length, trying to convince her audience, and in the end, it is easier to agree and i'd end up second guessing myself and my intuition and think maybe she IS right.
Then I met the guy and he was nothing like that. He seemed offish, barely acknowledged her and was in difficult circumstances, poor and not able to afford rent.
She then told me of how she had spent the day with him then gone back to her ex and spent the evening with him.

I hated hearing unsettling details like this. It was like there was no end to her need for attention from men and deep lust for fantasies around men.
I could feel my own fantasy of a normal family life slipping away the more I heard lurid details of his escapades.

I realise now we both had our own fantasies we wanted as a way to create the stability, care, nurturance to save us from the bottomless pit of loneliness and trauma we harboured.
But around this time is when i decided my fantasy would need tweaking - the idea behind it was workable, just not the actors in this play. I'd need to source my attention and love onto like-minded people who wanted mutual love, support and acceptance in a non-chaotic and dysfunctional way.

I just wish I hadn't spent so much time ignoring my own viewpoints that i disagreed with her. Everyone in my family was louder, more aggressive, more vocal and this seemed to get them noticed. Spending time with them, though i felt my intuition blaring out at me, i'd ignore it and counteract it that they must be right, they were the confident ones getting their needs met.

I feel like I tampered, altered and adjusted my internal navigation system so much by corrupt lies and dysfunctions of lack of boundaries, lack of respect, lack of mutuality that in the end, it navigation system became haywire and too mixed up; like how the wires of earphones can get jumbled and crossed up and i then have to spend time unpicking them and re-ordering them. I feel like thats what i have to do with my internal system to regain access to my intuition; i'm so sorry i allowed myself to lose it through repeated ignoring it and in a way...gaslighting myself against my own internal reality of...me. My needs, my wants, my viewpoints, my reactions.

Hi Holidayay,
I haven't read all of your Journal entry, as I'm not feeling able to process things this weekend so well, but I did read the bit where you mentioned you have an exam to study for, which takes place on Tuesday, so I'd like to wish you the best for that exam, and I hope that you are able to study for it.  Be kind to yourself, if that's helpful, and sending you a hug, if that's helpful  :hug:
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on September 01, 2019, 07:54:33 AM
Hi Holidayay,
I haven't read all of your Journal entry, as I'm not feeling able to process things this weekend so well, but I did read the bit where you mentioned you have an exam to study for, which takes place on Tuesday, so I'd like to wish you the best for that exam, and I hope that you are able to study for it.  Be kind to yourself, if that's helpful, and sending you a hug, if that's helpful  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope. Your kindness and encouraging is very helpful  :) Its just these little things that actually do really help  :cheer:

I am so exhausted from the past today. From feeling.

I feel like I am missing out everyday that I feel like this. I see friends on social media (yes yes i know social media can be fake) going on holidays, spending time with their friends/loved ones, and I feel too triggered most days to even want to go out. Everything seems to trigger me.
Nature.
Shops.
Business.
Being out in town on my own.
Sitting in on my own.

I can't help but think about just how much I have missed out on. And I no longer ever want to hear anyone say to me 'forget the past' - I'm not ready to just bypass a huge chunk of my life that caused me immense suffering.

People saying that to me annoys me. If they were so carefree and not anxious, why would it bother them to know I was digging into the past? So many people getting uncomfortable with difficult details and the unfathomable idea that family can be horrible annoys me so much and their reactions make me squirm like its MY fault those things just happened. Actually, I dared to bring their attention to it - that's the bit they don't like. They don't want to hear uncomfortable truths. It doesn't sit well with them.

This thought makes me both sad and angry. Turning a blind eye to the horrible things that children have to go through only serves to perpetuate the whole cycle.
These people who want to minimise and deny it are unwitting accomplices and enablers to the abusers. They pave the way for them to get away with it and continue doing it. Its their lack of affirmative reactions, their unwillingness to even acknowledge it, that aids in gaslighting and enabling and ensuring no boundaries are ever truly well maintained.
Maybe they are ignorant, we could argue, but 'ignorance is no excuse to the law' - a phrase something to that effect which I was taught in law school. Why should ignorance be an excuse now? And when they're shutting down conversations about abuse, its not longer ignorance but a willing decision to reject awareness. It 'makes them uncomfortable' - oh, I'm so sorry you feel uncomfortable hearing these truths. Imagine having to live it whether you like it or not.

They have the luxury of ignoring it all and not dealing with the darkness. How I wish we - the victims - could have been given that choice.

I don't know, I'm so upset at people at large and so untrusting these days. I'm so sad today.

I reached out for help yesterday after the crushing weight of it all made me snap. I couldn't handle it anymore. And I'm so glad I did reach out, because the response was amazing. There's a plan put in place already.
I feel far more clear headed and safe today.

I had a more relaxed, productive day.
I came home and instead of feeling panicked about the most recent things that have happened regarding family members, I could feel safe to sit with my feelings and just let them be there, safe in the knowledge that its ok to feel sad, hurt, upset and I have every right to have feelings, to allow them to be processed, and to not have to feel ashamed into rushing through them/minimising them/downplaying them/pretending they don't exist/rejecting their relevance and validity and no I am not 'too sensitive' when I have them, I am a human being who experiences feelings...when I feel them. Simple really.

It got me thinking to the shock and outrage I felt after my sister tried to 'hoover' me through a friend of hers, who messaged me from an unknown number.

After I cut my sister out because she sent me the most manipulative, vile text, in which she informed me she 'only likes the carefree version of me' (when i used to pretend I wasn't a human being with my own needs and devoid of feelings and instead focus on her) and she is not into 'deep things' (like when I tell her I am hurt because of her rages and talking about her apologising is 'deep') and if I did not like her, I could stay away and then trying to convince me my mother who failed in protecting me from being abused as a child is 'the best mother ever' and for all the talk on empathy i 'bang on about', I have very little of it as my mother is now old, partially blind and having had a heart attack last year (minutes after saying she isn't into talking about my needs and feelings because that's 'deep' and she only likes to be around 'carefree people'.....so if she and my mother are talking about THEIR needs, that doesn't count as 'deep and not care-free' but when I do it, it does and she's 'not into that'...riiiight). She told me I was the abusive manipulator for 'pretending to be carefree' back when i used to focus on everybody else's needs if 'that's not the real me' since I was pretending....she thinks she is being so smart in trying to manipulate when she twists things like this. She loves the thought of getting into other people's heads and getting them to question themselves.

But no. Ignoring my negative feelings because I knew from experience that telling someone I was upset only made it worse after they'd react badly does not make me abusive or manipulative. It makes me someone who has been conditioned into ignoring themselves for fear of chaos and violence ensuing as a result of speaking up.

After I blocked her after that very last message, when she got in touch via a friend much later on, only recently, it still shocks me the level of audacity.

For one thing she was pleading with me to 'put our differences aside' as she 'has to talk to me urgently' as our sister with bipolar disorder is now pregnant and needs to discuss something with me urgently regarding a family member.
IS THIS NOT DEEP STUFF? IT BOGGLES MY MIND just how audacious she can be!

She informs me on her last text to me months ago that she is not interested in being in my life anymore now i am open and vocal about my needs and emotions because she equates that with 'deep things' which 'she is not into', and only wants 'carefree people' and then gets in touch with THAT?

I am so tempted to unblock her right now and point out the hypocrisy and utter ridiculousness and shameless attitude she exhibits. Such a haughty, arrogant approach.

Doesn't even start off with 'hi, I know the last time we spoke, it ended on a bad note, and I wanted to talk about it....'

Nothing to acknowledge any of that besides a 'let's put our differences aside' which isn't even acknowledging what really happened because it isn't a simple matter of 'a different opinion on things' - its that SHE wants me to accept total and utter responsibility for all her problems and issues and go back to being 'carefree' (i.e. care-FREE of MY problems, and care-FULL of HER problems! That's not even being a 'carefree' person - that's being her emotional slave! how dare she!).

She drops it all on me without even an introductory 'can we please talk' or 'we need to talk' - no its straight into: 'we need to talk because x is pregnant and wants to discuss a family member with you urgently, please can we put our differences aside for an hour'.

The audacity. It really baffles and angers me so much that she can have such nerve, such blase attitude towards reaching out to me, how she treats me, how she feel she can get what she wants from me, like her good old days when I can see now, i used to give unlimited help and support and blame-taking all the time. It's been 2 years since I initiated strict boundaries and she can't seem to get it out of her head that the old dynamics are Over.

Any chance she gets, she tries to get me back into the old 'role'. Anytime I stand up for myself she reacts with venom and rage and digs in to every sore spot.

I still, 2 years later, find myself feeling shocked and betrayed, utterly betrayed, at the truth about our dynamics. I still can't believe it. I find myself thinking of more and more examples of where she had acted in ways that are proof of the truth which I am shocked to believe, and i feel dismayed and despair at the irrefutable evidence.

The way she used to react with no empathy towards me. I remember once in school, a very brute-ish, thug-type character targeted me and threw soup all over me. She simply looked in my direction nonchalant and continued walking with her friends.

The same friends she used to come home raging about because so-and-so is 'more best friends with her than me' and they do this and they do that together and 'these posh rich girls at school have such good lives and boyfriends and i don't' and i used to spend HOURS listening to her, I remember walking past my old primary school, feeling so tired and drained, but desperately trying to prop her self esteem up and listened to her cry and rage about all these things and I'd try to tell her how great she was and that those girls had no bearing on her, it used to make my heart ache so much that she'd get so upset by other people having their own happiness...essentially. It made her incredibly insecure. I really wanted her to have her own self-esteem, confidence and happiness.

But when I looked over, with soup dripping down from my hair and face, and saw her glancing at me, (at this point I was hysterical with tears), and she simply carried on walking, I'll never forget how....shocked that made me feel. We were about 16 and 15 respectively. Even if she felt scared, or some teenage insecurity or another...did she not want to take me to the toilet and hug me and help clean the soup off my hair? I spent hours and hours listening to her...I had even challenged people who had upset her and sought to get revenge on bullies so they would know not to come near her again....wasn't she even going to COME to me and look after me, now I was so upset? I was in the middle of the whole school canteen, with huge swathes of groups and the boy's cronies yelling, jeering, laughing at me. It hurt so much to see her simply walk away. She didn't even look upset or scared or anything that could justify a 'wanting to get away' attitude. It was such a passive look, like how she'd look if she looked at a bus pass by or something.

QuoteI came home and instead of feeling panicked about the most recent things that have happened regarding family members, I could feel safe to sit with my feelings and just let them be there, safe in the knowledge that its ok to feel sad, hurt, upset and I have every right to have feelings, to allow them to be processed, and to not have to feel ashamed into rushing through them/minimising them/downplaying them/pretending they don't exist/rejecting their relevance and validity and no I am not 'too sensitive' when I have them, I am a human being who experiences feelings...when I feel them.

:yeahthat:

I'm glad things went better for you yesterday. Having a plan in place already is great news.

Sorry to hear you've had a tough time Holidayay, but glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better today.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi everybody  :wave:

I had my occupational health appointment today. I was a bit skeptical and worried I'd have to spend ages explaining and justifying myself but, as it turns out, the doctor who saw me has a background of treating PTSD! It was unbelievable, I barely needed to say anything to get the understanding I've been craving for so badly.

He has written recommendations and a letter to my supervisor, advising the different treatment options and that I will need to take time off after EMDR sessions as apparently they can be very draining, especially the first few sessions. He said when I have my appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday, they'll be able to formally diagnose and initiate treatment which my workplace will have to accommodate.

So...for the first time in a long time, I have some slithers of self-esteem and self-worth crawling back in, as a result of being seen, heard and completely validated. Things that made me want to bow my head in shame and guilt feel differently today. It is so refreshing. I am feeling optimistic about the long road ahead now.

Wishing everyone reading a nice day  :grouphug:

QuoteSo...for the first time in a long time, I have some slithers of self-esteem and self-worth crawling back in, as a result of being seen, heard and completely validated.

Oh that's brilliant news! I'm utterly delighted.  :cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

so very happy for you, holidayay.  what a difference it makes to be acknowledged for who we are, accepted, heard, and listened to.   :cheer:

nice to see you in better spirits - so glad for that, too.  sending love and a hug full of light.   :hug:

I hope it went OK yesterday, holidayay. :hug:

I'm sorry to say I feel deflated again.
I went for the appointment with the mental health team - got seen by a mental health nurse.
It became obvious very quickly that this was just about assessing whether or not I was a suicide risk. It was nothing at all like what I wanted or expected.

I thought I'd be given a chance to speak and then treatment options laid out and yeah yeah, there might be a wait list.
But it came back to me so quickly why I stopped reaching out to the mental health services here in the UK - they only care if you're 'in crisis'.
She said there is a year-long wait for some of the treatment options like EMDR.
I told her I would be willing to go private if somebody could just help me and she said the other issue is getting the right person who is trained and that it is very expensive.

So, what's the point?
I hate the mental health services here so much, I already experienced all this years back but somehow gave in to hope again that there might be something different.
I'm depressed and wished I didn't bother. And now I have a throat/chest infection and had to take the day off work which meant a full day of C-PTSD misery.

Why bother?

Hi holidayay, I want to say I'm sorry about how you feel. I came to say I hope it went well, then I read your latest post.

So, to relate to you... I am also in the UK. I have finally been accepted by a psychologist for 12 sessions.

Sorry to say that, this took me 3 years to accomplish.

Like you, I have met with the nurses, gps, psychiatrists and even different psychologist who left the service after my assessment and couldn't see me any more. The new psychologist was not aware that had happened! I went through one course of Cbt in that time, which while sound advice was not addressing the issues I have.

I had to learn to advocate for myself and in the end I felt that I had to really push how bad I was feeling and how depressed I was. I eventually admitted to having suicidal ideas. I also agreed to take SSRIs (Sertraline) which have helped in some ways but also I have big reservations about.

Re going private. I said the same thing on more than one occasion and was advised against it, just like you. I was told it is not easy to find someone suitable and indeed might make things worse. I allowed myself to be swayed by those arguments but I might think about going private if after 12 sessions I am discharged without further help and I feel that I need it at that time.

I found someone who was charging £60/hour.Iwould have to travel too. Now they were recommending once week. I can't really afford £240 / month. But, if it comes to it I will find it somehow.

I wanted to tell you you are not alone in this. My psychiatrist told me it is not good to try and be your own therapist and indeed it is impossible, but, 3 years without help (and my problems much longer in gestation) meant what other option do I have??

I have been desperate and sad and angry and scared and anxious so I just want to send you a big gentle  :hug: to say I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the same cr*p I've had to. I don't blame any individual. I think that the system is overstretched and underfunded, and has been for years. My American friend finds it hard to believe how hard it is to access therapy here.

I really wish you lots of luck. I'm happy to discuss my experience with the NHS in detail, if you think that might be helpful.

Big  :hug: to you today. Try to find something nice to self care with. I'm going to try to find something nice on TV to watch and have a hot chocolate later. Take care. Sab.

I hear you. I was told that I wasn't eligible for NHS help as I would need longer-term support. It's shocking.

It could be worth speaking to Mind. Some charitable/voluntary organisations offer therapies for free or at a reduced cost, and Mind may be able to suggest who to contact. A lot depends on where you live though.

I hope you feel better soon. Here's a virtual cup of hot lemon and honey ☕.

How many times must we feel helpless? Or have our simple yearning to be seen and heard dashed and crushed over and over and over again before it becomes 'enough' to warrant help?

They say there isn't funding here, but if investments had gone in, they would have paid dividends. By this, I mean: if appropriate help and support had been given from the very first time any of us seek help, the issues wouldn't need to rumble on and on and grow bigger and continuously affected our lives, our jobs, our relationships, our ability to just feel SAFE. I still find the cold hard reality of only financial dividends to be deemed worthwhile as a vile quality to have as a society but EVEN IF we want to be slaves to money, the argument is: far less sick days off, easier ability to get and sustain jobs (and therefore, taxes)...

...Even having to justify receiving support via talking like this makes me so depressed. It's like I'm still having to convince the world I am worthy and that my pain is real and worth responding to.

I'm so sorry to hear of the posters above me who have suffered as well in trying to get help. This system is completely and utterly not fit for purpose.

My next step is going private. I am going to book in an introductory session with a trauma specialist that are listed on the BACP site.
If the NHS recommends against it, they can offer a suitable alternative otherwise they are completely useless. Oh, and if going private 'does make it worse', maybe it'll get bad enough that the NHS will actually do something since these are the rules they seem to play by when it comes to mental health.

I wish I lived in America

It's worth looking at the UK resources here too:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=266.0
(https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=266.0)

I agree both on mental health provision not even working in an economic sense, and that the whole concept is dreadful, that people must sink lower than low to be worthy of help. Personally I found that it invalidates a lot of suffering and experience, which for people like us can be retraumatising. It's a very sad state of affairs. Take care.

Quote from: SharpAndBlunt on September 20, 2019, 04:28:12 PM
I agree both on mental health provision not even working in an economic sense, and that the whole concept is dreadful, that people must sink lower than low to be worthy of help. Personally I found that it invalidates a lot of suffering and experience, which for people like us can be retraumatising. It's a very sad state of affairs. Take care.

Absolutely.

Quote from: Snowdrop on September 20, 2019, 04:19:56 PM
It's worth looking at the UK resources here too:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=266.0
(https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=266.0)

Thanks, I'll check them out now :)

Just spoke to a therapist found in my area on the BACP website who specialises in EMDR and childhood trauma said he will email over some resources and information, as he himself is booked out until March. Will post here if anything is useful!

I messaged another private therapist asking her if she has awareness of narcissistic parents and the effects it has etc. She said she does and that if I wanted to, she offers a free introductory session to have a chat to see if I'd feel like she is suitable. She said she can meet with me this coming Thursday.

I'm happy but on the one hand, I'm scared about this idea that 'going private can be tricky' which NHS workers have mentioned - as apparently just about anyone can call themselves a therapist. However, a psychologist at my medical school had sent me a list of websites where therapists are proven to be accredited to help me pick someone trustworthy...so I've done the background info but for some reason I still feel a bit scared. What if it makes it worse? I don't know what worse would even look like.

But...surely its worth a go?

It's worth looking at the information here, as it may set your mind at rest, or prompt questions you can ask of the therapist:
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=106.0
(https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=106.0)

holidayay, I think that is a great suggestion Snowdrop has made, there is a lot of experience to be found on that page linked.

I also hope I didn't make your fear worse when I mentioned the 'making it worse' scenario. Like you, I was told this, I don't necessarily believe it.

I think there is no harm in going for one session anyway, I don't know for sure but I suspect your gut instinct might give you an idea if it will be a fit.

Good luck.

Quote from: SharpAndBlunt on September 21, 2019, 11:05:50 AM
holidayay, I think that is a great suggestion Snowdrop has made, there is a lot of experience to be found on that page linked.

I also hope I didn't make your fear worse when I mentioned the 'making it worse' scenario. Like you, I was told this, I don't necessarily believe it.

I think there is no harm in going for one session anyway, I don't know for sure but I suspect your gut instinct might give you an idea if it will be a fit.

Good luck.

No, no you didn't make it worse - I'd been told the same thing by 3 different medical professionals so its been a worry for a while. Anyway, I'd rather hear harsh truths beforehand rather than get caught off-guard :)

i think an introductory session is also a good idea.  you can get a feel for the t, how they feel to you, what they're saying to you, and if they're 'getting' it.  i think some anxiety is normal for something like this.  just to let you know, we'll be there with you.  just imagine us in the waiting room with you, maybe that'll help.  it's helped me several times.

will be thinking of you on thurs.  good luck - i hope it works out.  sending love and a hug filled with strength.   :hug:

Thanks guys.

I'm going to resume the journalling as I'm feeling all the memories and past pain build up too much again and just want to release it somewhere.


Cyprus trip 7 years ago
This has been popping up as a very emotionally traumatising time in my life.
I was fresh out of a pseudo-relationship with a man who was just like my mother (narcissistic, angry, emotionally and psychologically abusive) and I had dived back into the vortex of emptiness - a state which I had often lived in as a child. I didn't have any self-awareness back then, didn't know about abuse. His behaviour was familiar, ergo it was 'normal'.
Now, with more clarity, I could see I had been toying with an emotional vampire.
I developed an eating disorder, became extremely thin and obsessive about food. I felt it was all my fault. Him being unhappy, him being angry, him being dismissive, me being miserable.
I decided to visit Cyprus - a country he had grown up in - as a holiday destination with my sister and some friends. I wanted to understand more about him and his culture. In my head, if I could somehow work out how to be acceptable enough, I could be worthy of love. I had survived childhood by living in fantasies where people would recognise me through being what they wanted me to be - smart? emotionally supportive? have zero needs of my own? It was all very confusing.

Anyway, we flew to cyprus. I was too embarrassed to admit I wanted to see the country because of the guy I had attributed my 'salvation fantasy' to. My sister's friends had already agreed they wanted to go there anyway, so I didn't need to justify the location choice.

I was so, so unhappy. My sister - who I had no idea at the time was just like a clone of my abusive mother - was constantly angry and miserable and looking at me to make it all better. I felt desperate on so many occasions. I was heartbroken and devastated after my experiences with the horrible guy but there wasn't a lot of room for me to process it. My sister would wake up with an unhappy face and demand I somehow make her life better for her. I was already drained, and felt so much pressure to stifle down my things to keep her happy.
She wasn't happy because she wasn't getting enough attention from men in her life. She wasn't happy because we didn't have as much money as others did. She wasn't happy because she wasn't as skinny as other girls. She was constantly jealous and spewed venom about others. It made me feel really distressed. I kept trying to counsel her, tell her how things are not always how they appear on the surface, that life could improve. Nothing I said made any difference. She wanted attention from men, money, and constant emotional sustenance.

All I remember is feeling distressed, trying to keep up with all her demands, to keep her happy, so she could give me breathing space to process my stuff. I remember we went out with her friends, one of them who was so obviously abusive towards his girlfriends, constantly berating her in front of us. I remember being so confused and with such low self-esteem, that I felt any unhappiness was my fault. We went up a mountain one day, and I was so depressed, all I wanted to do was crawl and hide. The atmosphere was bleak. My sister, this abusive guy and his upset girlfriend, and me. I tried to crack constant jokes to lighten the atmosphere. Anything to make things a bit better, to make life seem less helpless.

Looking back now, it distresses me to remember all of that huge pain inside me, which had nowhere to go, and which I had no idea what to do with, even if I was to be left alone with it. I didn't understand why, but I somehow 'knew' I was loathsome and unloveable. And I felt obliged to give, give, give and on the days I simply couldn't, I felt so guilty and like I was letting my sister down.

She never once let up. It angers me now to think of the horrible pressures I put myself under, and she never stopped to say 'hey, give yourself a break, let's focus on you for a minute'. I remember we went to stay with a friend of mine for a few days in another city who was very good at empathising and my main concern was that perhaps she could help my sister feel better. I told them I'd give them breathing space whilst I walked on ahead. I was silently begging and pleading that she could somehow help so then I'd get some refuge from the overbearing responsibility of trying to make my sister feel better. Even when I stopped making this my mission, she would rage and yell and I'd feel guilty and cave.
I was EXHAUSTED.
I felt tired, alone, rejected and not to mention constantly hungry because I had developed an obsession with limiting my calorie intake. Some days I'd gorge on baked goods, then feel repulsive and ashamed. It was a horrible cycle.

The trip lasted a very long 2 weeks and is one I wish I could forget. It was around the time that the song 'we are young' by Fun came out and was playing everywhere...to this day, when I hear this song, it makes me shudder and brings it all back. I wish I can erase that song from my memory.

Non-stop nightmares last night....I feel so weak, like I physically lived through each and everyone of them  :'(

 :hug:

Hi Holidayay,
Sending you a gentle and supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:  Sorry to hear you had such a tough night, and it's understandable that you're feeling so weak today. 
Hope  :)

Thanks guys.

I got through the day, just back from work now.

It wasn't great, but at least I did it. Hoping for a more cosy, calm sleep tonight.

Sometimes success comes in small steps too. You got through it, so give yourself the recognition.  :applause:

Is it your appointment today? Good luck.

I'm not in a good way. I have the day off, I went to the GP and basically ranted at her. How rubbish the NHS is, how all that is being done is that I am being shafted back and forth and the 1 year wait list is ridiculous. She asked the most infuriating of all questions to people who are feeling helpless: 'what do you think will help?' and this time, instead of restraining myself, I snapped at her: 'I was hoping YOU'D be able to answer that.'

I've lost all patience. That did seem to spur her on and she gave me the number of a psychologist who has helped her friends so we know its safe. I rang the number straight away.

So there we have it. Apparently you have to lose your patience and snap before affirmative action is taken. During our weakest, most helpless moments, we have to fight the hardest. This is making me even more angry.

Quote from: Snowdrop on September 26, 2019, 10:20:54 AM
Is it your appointment today? Good luck.

Yes, at 4pm.

I don't know how I feel about this one though. Its a private one, and she wanted to wait a few days before giving me the address, and when she did, it turns out its her home? Is that normal?

I've heard of other people doing this, having a dedicated therapeutic space in the place where they live. I think the key thing is that you've checked her background, and if you find she doesn't feel right for you, you don't have to go back.

I did go in the end, just got back.
She seemed quite good. Has over 30 years experience working with people with trauma. And I like that she actually said this session is for us to see if its a good fit and that I have to be honest with her with my feelings if I don't want to come back. I didn't want to feel pressure to 'giving her business'. I'd have happily sat there all evening spilling everything out.

I've got two meetings tomorrow and Monday set up via work - don't fully know what they will entail yet so I told her I'd make a decision by next week after I'd been to them.

Glad she seems to be a good fit for you!  :applause:

Well done for going. Glad it went well.  :applause:

I don't know if I am willing to trust her.
I've been to another appointment with a different lady to 'shop around'. She made me so angry. She started off with a stern looking face and approach and interrupted and became defensive when I told her what makes me feel really insecure. I told her being interrupted is something I find very hurtful these days because I had my fill of it already.
She just didn't seem to be able to separate herself from my statements. I didn't want her to go on the defensive, I wanted her to say 'I understand'. She was quite blunt too, seemed to have that fiery Spanish personality (her accent sounded Spanish).

I've felt like I've been shot with an arrow in the head since.
I don't think I want either of them two. The first one was ok, but I just didn't like that her appointments were in her home, which is in a not so nice area. I'm not taking my most vulnerable parts to some shabby area, it felt..not quite safe.

I have my third lady I'm meeting next week. She has her own clinic and I spoke to her on the phone. She was gentle, kind and sweet. I have a better feeling about her. We'll see.

My head is brimmed so full, and it feels like I'm leaking emotions and trauma. Yesterday I was desperate for a hug and cried so many times in public, I just couldn't stop it. A security man stopped me and thought he was being kind and told me 'not to stress so much'. I wanted to scream at him - 'IF ONLY'. As if he knows the half of it.

 :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:

That really all sounds so difficult holidayay. You are right to trust your own feelings about a potential T, though.

"Apparently you have to lose your patience and snap before affirmative action is taken. During our weakest, most helpless moments, we have to fight the hardest. This is making me even more angry." I remember feeling like that when my medical insurance refused to pay inpatient stay for me anywhere but the local psychiatric hospital. (There are much better places to go). My anger at the time gave me the energy to fight harder. So I understand and I hope that you get the energy to be assertive about your needs.

I don't feel as though I have many useful words at the moment, but I think you're doing really well looking for a suitable therapist, and listening to your instincts about what might be suitable and what isn't. Sending you a supportive hug. :hug:

I think you are wise to interview a few therapists, although that also sounds really taxing. This isn't the same as a hug in person, but the care is real.  :hug:

Thanks guys, the support is very much appreciated  :grouphug:

It is taxing yeah, but I guess my determination is firm on this one. Fingers crossed for next tuesday's appointment..

hey, jazzy, just wanted to join in for a moment.  as a therapist, i have had sessions in my home, and i've been in the home of another t for sessions w/ her, so that kind of thing does happen.  however, if you don't feel safe in her neighborhood, i'm glad you were able to recognize that.  the second one doesn't sound like she's very sensitive to trauma wounding.  i know this is taxing, but i'm glad you're shopping around.  very wise, indeed.   :thumbup:

i hope the third one works out - at least she sounds better than the other two, kinder and more understanding.  good luck - like anything else in getting our needs met, it's kind of an experiment to see what fits for us. 

your strength and determination are definitely showing.  well done!   :applause:  sending love and a hug filled w/ all the best.   :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 04, 2019, 02:21:12 PM
hey, jazzy, just wanted to join in for a moment.  as a therapist, i have had sessions in my home, and i've been in the home of another t for sessions w/ her, so that kind of thing does happen.  however, if you don't feel safe in her neighborhood, i'm glad you were able to recognize that.  the second one doesn't sound like she's very sensitive to trauma wounding.  i know this is taxing, but i'm glad you're shopping around.  very wise, indeed.   :thumbup:

i hope the third one works out - at least she sounds better than the other two, kinder and more understanding.  good luck - like anything else in getting our needs met, it's kind of an experiment to see what fits for us. 

your strength and determination are definitely showing.  well done!   :applause:  sending love and a hug filled w/ all the best.   :hug:

:) Thanks! I hope so. I started doubting myself for a minute, the second therapist made some very strange connections which didn't resonate. She asked me what my earliest memory was and I said 'making my own 'shop' in my living room and my mum shaming me for it' and she said 'so you played shop and now you are shopping around for a therapist?'. It seemed like she wanted there to be a link, which I didn't really feel is there. I'm only shopping around for a therapist now because of all the advice I read and because I used to accept counsellors in the past without knowing what my real issues were/are and just went along with CBT etc.

It did make me think should I be looking into my reasons for doing this further? DO I shop around and even if I do what does that mean?
Uff can there not just be a directory somewhere of therapists who know about C-PTSD and we go there and end of story instead of this faff.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing, looking for a therapist that best suits your needs. From what you've said, the second therapist doesn't sound like a good fit. Not everything is connected.

I hope it goes well on Tuesday.

So it was third time lucky!
The third lady I met with is a perfect fit. She is a consultant psychologist, specialising in trauma and PTSD. The meeting went very well, I am so pleased (and relieved).
:)

Hooray! That's excellent news. :cheer:

Glad for you.

Hi holidayay, that is great news, really pleased for you too  :thumbup:

That's great holidayay! Really happy for you!

Hi Holidayay, That is great news!   :cheer:
Hope  :)

Thank you everybody!

I had my second session with her today and I'm so, so thankful and relieved.
I got a letter through the post from the NHS services (a very delayed response) informing me there is a 2 year wait list on the service in my area that deals with childhood trauma. Thank god I'd arranged something myself otherwise this would have floored me and left me feeling helpless.

I have a lot of contempt for NHS mental health right now. Anyone receiving that letter with C-PTSD and not able to fund their own care would have most likely felt rejected and even more helpless upon reading this letter. Such a delay is (unintentionally) a perpetuating factor in everything that C-PTSD stands for. I mean seriously TWO YEARS? And this isn't even the NHS itself - they referred it to a charity! So what exactly does NHS mental health do for you, if you present with c-ptsd other than deliver you the news that unless you get worse and become suicidal, you are not worthy of help. Ridiculous. I'm just sorry to those who are having to deal with this utter stupidity.

I get the impression that cptsd falls between the cracks with the NHS. It's quite shocking. I'm glad you're getting timely support elsewhere though.

I agree.
Next august I will be placed on a psychiatry job. I'm really interested in doing research in this area and doing something to push for change here, once I'm a bit stronger. It'll be interesting to discuss the subject with psychiatrists and see what can be done - surely we have to start from somewhere.

That does sound interesting.

At some point I think I ought to write to my MP etc about the lack of longer-term mental health provision. In the meantime, I'm just delighted that you're getting support. :hug:

Venting post

*venting post*




*venting post*      People are really getting on my nerves this weekend.

My ex is really annoying me. When we were together, I was under the impression it was me with all the issues until it transpired he had severe social anxiety and started acting out in really selfish ways like trying to keep me home, just the two of us, and not seeing my friends because he didn't want to deal with the pressure. Or instances where he put me down when i was having fun and growing in confidence as though he wanted to keep me in a triggered state, because it meant i was reliant on him, and it could go back to being just us two. I called him up on it, he would cry and refuse to talk about it until I told him he either would do something about his issues or I was gone. He started counselling, which was very good.

We've since broken up, as I moved away for my job. He seems to be doing better...but I can't help but notice he is adopting a lot of my interests and MY words as though he is trying to prove to me he is...better? I don't think he wants to let go and I've got the dreaded feeling that I will have to have a talk with him about moving on. He posts pictures of MY favourite philosopher whose statute and grave he went to visit. He'd never heard of him and when I told him I liked him, he bought his books and said he found him 'harsh'. So why are you visiting his statue and his gravestone....both of which I had told him I'd done when I'd visited the philosopher's home country and what I'd taken pictures of. His instagram is starting to look just like mine did a year ago. And he posts long posts about the importance of mental health and talking about issues and how he has learnt so much from reading, counselling and philosophy. This is all great and would be very good if he was doing it for HIM but its like he is just emulating me. Its almost like he thinks that if he can show me he is improving by doing things i like and talking about things in the way I do....that I will be convinced he is now healthy. He wants to meet up and catch up, and I don't think it seems like it has sunk in for him that we are finished and him working on himself is for HIM.

My friend used to tell me that she found him a bit creepy and the way he would stare at me would creep me out and now I can't push those thoughts away that he is creeping me out with the way he is going about it. It doesn't feel genuine. It feels like he has an intention to do all this just to get me back, into our room, where its just me and him. I confided in him a few weeks ago that I was really struggling here in my new city and wanted to move back to familiarity and he perked up and asked sharply 'so you'll move back??' which made me feel a bit unnerved like.....like he wants me to be the same girl with the same issues so then it means I slot back in to his life of fear and anxiety and it can just be us two, codependent, holed up in our old room. Its really annoying me how much he copies me, as if the answer to me disapproving of his unhealthy behaviour is to adopt my stance on everything. Its like he has no real sense of self or identity. He drinks every time he goes out. He doesn't remember one social event where he hasn't gotten drunk since he turned 18. He gets irritable and annoyed if we wouldn't stop by for a beer every time WE went out. I don't think he knows what lies underneath it all he is socialising and you take away the alcohol.

I don't want him back. I don't want anybody right now. Our relationship was very codependent and as nice as it was for him to want to help me and rescue me, I'd tell him frequently I did not need a 'saviour'. I never felt like his help was intended to really help me heal. But rather, this codependent stance of: if i show you how much i can help you, maybe you'll love me. I used to ignore this gut feeling but it became clear when my other friends wanted to participate in helping me. He would be moody and refuse to engage, and do petty things like state he wants breakfast, then when I cooked for everybody, refuse to eat.
He would get annoyed if i was having fun and wait until my friend went to the toilet before telling me a put-down then acting innocent.

I feel icky just thinking about all this. He is always the first to like or view anything i post on social media and it makes me feel like he watches me carefully. I would say maybe im overthinking it but ive learnt the hard way from ignoring my gut and no longer want to do that.

Anyway....yeah. Just needed to vent.

Dear holidayay,

It sounds like you are very aware of the situation with your ex and that you are confident enough to know that you don't want that relationship back again. I hope that your ex will realise that things are not going back to the way they were.

Quote from: SharpAndBlunt on October 21, 2019, 12:29:09 PM
Dear holidayay,

It sounds like you are very aware of the situation with your ex and that you are confident enough to know that you don't want that relationship back again. I hope that your ex will realise that things are not going back to the way they were.

Wow, you took the time to read that and to reply...thank you.

Do other people feel like ....like they are unnecessarily aggravating and annoying people with the 'wretched' details of what troubles us.....and it feels embarrassing and shameful after having a moment where i feel confident enough to post and to make the decision to care about my needs....as if its an aftereffect. Like: omg did you really think YOU were worthy of having your boring, annoying details heard?
And then afterwards like we have to go above and beyond to thank the people who responded and show gratitude and immediate success with feeling better to prove that now we've had our moment, we'll try much harder to never have to put someone in the position of needing to listen to us ever again...?

Or something to that effect?

HI Holidayay,
I'm having difficulty processing things today, so I can't really say much to what you asked here, but in my experience it's felt better to share things here, because people have been very supportive and understanding, and therefore it's helped, and I really hope that you will be able to counter any feelings of embarrassment and shame, that might be standing in your way to express yourself. 
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Lots of members talk about this, myself included, and its important because we have to see it's not true, it's just the way we've been taught to feel - that we're not worthy, we don't count. 

We need to tell that voice it's wrong in order to recover IMO. We all share here and that's the point of recovery I believe, to bring the darkest parts of our life into the sunshine and to begin to feel we deserve to be heard, and moreover that we need to be heard not just for our own validation, but because others need to know the long term, debilitating impact of trauma brings to people.  It doesn't cost just us, it costs everyone - communities, families, employers ....

I agree completely with Kizzie! Your story is not boring, not annoying, and you are as worthy as anyone to have your story told, really listened to, and having your feelings validated!

Please feel free to not respond individually to each person who has replied to your posts. That can be exhausting, imo!

Our abusers had to indoctrinate us into silence so they could further victimize us and remain in secrecy - but the old saying "secrets make us sick" is so very true. Maya Angelou said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Sending you all the virtual support I'm able to, to help you throw off that mantle of silence.  :hug:

Quote from: Kizzie on October 23, 2019, 03:58:58 PM
Lots of members talk about this, myself included, and its important because we have to see it's not true, it's just the way we've been taught to feel - that we're not worthy, we don't count. 

We need to tell that voice it's wrong in order to recover IMO.

:yeahthat:   On more then one occasion, I have stated that I felt unworthy to post. A way of fighting that voice is to post.

Regarding your ex; Continue to listen to your gut. Have good, healthy boundaries.

I can't take the nightmares....I think I'm gonna ask for some time off work and then run away from this new city back to my old city where this is some familiarity......

Holidayay, sometimes a break can be very restorative, especially if you feel that familiarity for a while. Take care please especially when you feel like you do. I hope the nightmares ease up for you.

Sending you all the virtual support that's possible!  :hug:

Thank you all for being lovely.

I managed to get through today. Now I have a few days off. And I might take the weekend off. I'm mindful not to continue my 'running away' mentality which is what I've always done but like someone has said, a break can be restorative. Gosh, its hard to differentiate things like this when I feel the way I do. When does a 'break' translate into 'running away from my feelings' and when should I not do it and instead sit with my feelings and work through them versus having a little break to rejuvenate?

What a journey healing is. Trulyyy!

I'm having sleepless nights again. The flashbacks are incessant. Distraction isn't working, my system feels full and wanting to release.

My memories of feeling helpless seem to have a running theme to them: feeling empathy for victims around personality disordered family members and there was nothing I could do to help because the disordered abuser always comes out on top through using aggression, violence and threats.

** TW ** Physical and emotional abuse




Tonight, I'm remembering my sister's kids, particularly her eldest. When they were both babies and crying in the car, she would yell and scream and hit them and threaten them. I would feel my blood boil with anger and feel sick with sadness at the poor children who wanted to be comforted. It was terrifying. If they cried too long, inevitably she would erupt and start abusing them with vile words and smack them. Before blasting out loud music to drown out their cries. Or their protests. The music was so loud, and stimulatory and seemed to fry my nerves further. When I asked her to PLEASE turn it down, she would get even angrier and an argument would erupt. All I can think of is how those poor kids must have felt: in distress, ignored and being bombarded with loud music. What message must their fragile distressed little brains have received? That their needs are SO aggravating and unimportant and unnecessary, that they deserved to be completely drowned out by crap music? My nephew turned towards playing on his ipad in the car to distract himself. Not even bother to get his needs met anymore. My heart sinks of how this message related to his needs is going to affect him in his future. How DARE people like my sister be SO selfish? They are contributing to ruining someone's emotional health and giving them mental problems which they will have to contend with for the rest of their lives. Its sickening. How anyone can have kids and its seen as a free choice, never mind what the kid will have to endure. Often my sister used to say: 'they're MY kids, I can do what I want' like they are objects.
No, they are not YOURS. They do not 'belong' to anybody to do what they like with them. They are their own people and they belong to themselves. You are responsible for nurturing this, nurturing their autonomy, not treating them like objects. Typical narcissist.


People tell me to focus on myself and that doesn't help here. Not yet. I saw too much of those kids suffering and I feel like the painful feelings associated with witnessing this needs to be part of my healing.

Many times I intervened and told her to have more patience or to stop and change her approach and that would aggravate her further and she would retaliate further: when she realised taking out her aggression didn't work on me now I was an adult and I could simply leave, she would re-direct it at her children, so either way, I knew intervening didn't work.

** End TW **

Getting social services involved didn't do anything to help either.

Its like these aggressors always win. The world doesn't seem safe when I think of this.

And there was one particular horrible time when I was picked up by her in her car with my mum and the kids. My mum and my sister both started on their infuriating narcissistic taunting. I felt myself raging inside as I stayed silent for the sake of the children. I was so angry and mad, and my little niece wanted to play and for me to pay her attention but I was too riled up to be able to pay her attention, I could barely focus. She then tapped me and said: 'look' pointing to my suitcase, the handle of which I had assumed had broken, as it would no longer slot back down into place. She had somehow fixed it and was looking at me both cheekily and hopefully, I was so surprised, my anger melted away and I felt terrible for being angry enough that I wasn't paying her attention; a situation she was often in with her own mother. I felt so terribly guilty, I hugged her and made sure to try not to let my distress get in the way of being an aunty to her again. Its so hard though, when her mother was somehow who had abused me as a child, and she remains the same to this day. I no longer have contact with any of them.

Trigger warning - SA

I am so angry. therapy has unlocked memories and started giving me more disturbing dreams.

I was 5 when my eldest sister (then 13) started inappropriately doing things to me. I felt like I was confused and in a frozen state mostly. I didn't like it and felt it was uncomfortably close. I had already been conditioned into not bothering my mum with ANY problems by that point and dad was an angry man with leakemia, who often made a big fuss and angry rants about things on tv that showed similar things to what my sister was doing to me so i definitely couldn't talk to him about that.

When I was older, my other sister told my eldest sister to apologise to me. I was 13, and my eldest sister thought an apology consisted of laughing about the incidents and to manipulate me by normalasing her disgusting actions by telling me that 'all sisters do it'. I, again, felt confused and frozen. I imagined her friends and their younger sisters. None of it made sense.

I'm remembering all this stuff and more. I am so angry and upset and like she considered me some foolish little girl whose naiivety is there solely for exploitation. And laughing about it. As if I am some kind of joke and what happens to me is nothing to be taken seriously at all.

I have a mad urge to scream at her, to break no contact and message her on facebook, detailing everything i remember and that she is just a nasty monster and none of what she said is TRUE, and that she preyed on my innocence and acted like a sociopath by normalising it. I was to call her out on EVERYTHING. I want to see her in a court of law, and for me to go up and tell her to her face and a judge and any other bystanders what happened and how she ruined my childhood and still to this day, is affecting me.
She ruined my sexual development.
She ruined my innocence.
She ruined my self-perfecption and made me feel sorry for her. Made me feel sorry for anyone who had abusive tendencies by conditioning my mind into thinking SHE is the eternal victim and I'm evil and nasty if i WAS TO EVER call her out on it.

This anger is persisting the whole day. I'm exhausted yet i can't sleep. I want to hurt her for hurting me.

I'm sorry you went through that. I completely understand your anger about it. Sending you support :hug:.

So sorry to hear all you've been through, and continue to go through in regards to your sibling. I often quote Maya Angelou, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Just being heard can be healing, and court cases can certainly be one venue where a survivor can feel heard. Wishing you all the best as you go through this.  :hug:

I travelled to my previous city to tell my story. There is a project being done nationwide about childhood abuse and after seeing an ad for it earlier in the year, I sent off a form. After many months, I did it!
And it felt GREAT.
I told them EVERYTHING. They were amazing. I cannot recommend it enough as a helpful tool for healing, for anyone who is ready to tell their story.
i told them the names, and locations of the family members. I agreed they could inform the police.

I also rang the hospital where a sibling is staying in a mental health unit, pregnant, where one of the perpetrators visits her and has her brainwashed. I spoke to the safeguarding team and told them everything too. She is in the late stages of pregnancy and the thought of her baby ever being at risk is NOT okay at all. The buck stops with me, no child under my watch will be at risk again. Not when I can do something, which no-one ever bothered to do for me.

Yeah, just needed to declare this.
Hope everyone's had a lovely week.

Long gone are the days where I am ruled by fear and emotional manipulation, guilting and shaming.

Wow!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: There are not enough cheer leaders to show you how much I love this!! Well done, you!  :applause: :applause: :applause:

A huge huge huge well done to you! You've done brilliantly. I'm so impressed. Wow! :applause: :applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Thanks for the support guys.

I submitted the form today to the relevant body to discuss the more recent child abuse I'd witnessed which I'd always been threatened, guilted and manipulated into keeping quiet every time i tried to speak up. Well, no more.
You don't get to do whatever you like just because you don't want accountability and then lie and deceit and threaten others into submission.

I'm very happy I did this.  :cheer:

Wow! Well done you! I applaud your strength and cheer your actions. :applause: :applause: :applause:

Quote from: holidayay on November 24, 2019, 12:20:33 PM
Thanks for the support guys.

I submitted the form today to the relevant body to discuss the more recent child abuse I'd witnessed which I'd always been threatened, guilted and manipulated into keeping quiet every time i tried to speak up. Well, no more.
You don't get to do whatever you like just because you don't want accountability and then lie and deceit and threaten others into submission.

I'm very happy I did this.  :cheer:

I'm happy to hear that! That must have taken a bit of work to achieve but you got there!

It really did, it took so much complicated emotional feelings and energy to get there. They replied today stating what I shared is concerning therefore they have made a referral to the children's services. I'm so pleased that the children's wellbeing is now on the radar of professionals. I just started feeling like a phoney and a coward at work....going in as a doctor, my role including protecting vulnerable people and here I was, still unable to protect vulnerable innocents after witnessing the abuse first-hand. I just couldn't let it slide anymore and my (hopefully temporary) emotional state with the guilt and fear no longer felt like a good enough excuse for me not to advocate for them.

I'm struggling with accepting the fear, guilt, shame and terror as I process the big steps I have taken but goal is to let them be there without trying to fight them off and end up exhausted and defeated.

I feel like I don't know how to even process things....never did I see or be allowed to experience 'processing' things after something bad/big happened -  its all new to me to not react to my flight or fight and inner critic! Anyone got any tips on learning how to process and accept the feelings that come with processing things? Especially in between therapy sessions, it can be quite hard.

Quote from: holidayay on November 25, 2019, 06:12:38 PM
It really did, it took so much complicated emotional feelings and energy to get there. They replied today stating what I shared is concerning therefore they have made a referral to the children's services. I'm so pleased that the children's wellbeing is now on the radar of professionals. I just started feeling like a phoney and a coward at work....going in as a doctor, my role including protecting vulnerable people and here I was, still unable to protect vulnerable innocents after witnessing the abuse first-hand. I just couldn't let it slide anymore and my (hopefully temporary) emotional state with the guilt and fear no longer felt like a good enough excuse for me not to advocate for them.

I'm struggling with accepting the fear, guilt, shame and terror as I process the big steps I have taken but goal is to let them be there without trying to fight them off and end up exhausted and defeated.

I feel like I don't know how to even process things....never did I see or be allowed to experience 'processing' things after something bad/big happened -  its all new to me to not react to my flight or fight and inner critic! Anyone got any tips on learning how to process and accept the feelings that come with processing things? Especially in between therapy sessions, it can be quite hard.

I think it's important to remind oneself that it's okay to take the time to just... ease down and let thoughts simmer. There's no real rush to do anything or feel anything, nobody will fault you for taking a little while longer to process things if need be.
It was a big step and definitely in the right direction.  :)

I think that Perplex's advise to take your time is good. Journaling helps me to process. Sometimes talking to trusted people and sometimes "art therapy," i.e. sketching how things seem to me visually, helps me.

Quote from: Perplex on November 26, 2019, 11:39:28 PM

I think it's important to remind oneself that it's okay to take the time to just... ease down and let thoughts simmer. There's no real rush to do anything or feel anything, nobody will fault you for taking a little while longer to process things if need be.
It was a big step and definitely in the right direction.  :)

This is so relaxing to read  :)

Remembering more and more....this is so distressing.

Distraction isn't working.
The memories are so strong and come with associated horrible feelings of despair, guilt, helplessness and terror.

***SA - Trigger warning***
I fell into a deep depression when I first left home, aged 18. I moved into student halls of accommodation, where a student in my flat decided she did not like me. She criticised my clothes, my lack of money, my hair, my boyfriend...everything. She showed the obvious disgust she felt around me clearly and wanted me out the group of friends that was quickly forming. I left the flat and moved into a cosy flatshare, not wanting to be around her anymore after she made threats to hit me. In the new flatshare, I fell into a deep depression, and isolated myself completely. Stopped attending university. I couldn't concentrate on the smallest of things, never mind my school work. I started having flashbacks of the sexual abuse I encountered from my older sister. I had never told anyone at that point.

I couldn't imagine what my mum would say. I was scared to make her sad, she had talked of all her problems for as long as i could remember and was quick to anger. I didn't trust her at all. I didn't want to burden my other siblings; our whole family had lives that just seemed to continuously go wrong; everyone seemed chaotic, miserable, stressed. Our eldest brother had commited suicide a few years ago. Nothing made sense.
My sister who abused me decided one day to visit the city I was in. I despised her, but loved her kid. She was so harsh on him, I cherished moments where I could show him some nurturing.
I see now she has anti-social traits.
I felt uncomfortable and unsettled with her excitement at coming to visit. I knew intuitively she only got this excited when she had a plan hatched up her sleeve to take advantage of someone/steal/cheat/lie to further her own needs/wants. She has a mindset where she forms an idea in her head of how exactly people will serve her, and she doesn't need to tell them or run it by them - simply plough on ahead with her agenda and if anyone resists - she will turn to anger/threats or fake crocodile details to guilt them.
It wasn't long before I found out her agenda on this occasion. A relative of her husband lived in my city, and had decided to divorce her husband. Her family lived in another country and she was alone. Divorce was frowned upon. My sister, sensing the vulnerability, decided she would 'save' this girl to be her 'maid'. To offer for her to live with her, in order that the girl could look after her children, and serve her needs. She didn't run the second part of this deal by this woman. The woman was just supposed to do it, didn't we know?
I felt sick and creeped out and thought she was absolutely deluded to believe this would happen. My mum just laughs at her ideas and encourages them, in the hope they may work out. They're equally deranged. Her son, an infant, was being driven down for the ride. Absolutely zero thought was given to his wellbeing in this. I told her I would be around for her son, and that was it. She had this arrogant tendency to agree, not really listening to what people say, thinking she will just turn up and do things however it pleases her, and people will just do it. They turn up and she ushers me in the car. I reminded her I was here only to spend time with the child. She starts to get angry and i'm torn between holding my own, and the poor child witnessing her ferocious anger. So i get in the car and soothe him. She then gets very excited at the prospect of her new 'maid'.
The girl turns up and is ....not at all subservient, as my sister arrogantly assumed she would be. My sister first attempts to charm her and tell her how much she has done for her, by renting out a car and driving all this way. The girl thanks her but doesn't see this as proof she now owes a debt, as I guess is my sister's intention by repeating to her what she's done for her.

The child starts crying and gets agitated. Its late and dark and he should be having his bottle and asleep. My sister has absolutely no interest in any of this. Her mask falls off and she starts screaming and swearing at him. I don't hold back at this point and tell her firmly to back off and leave him be, and if she can't be a nurturing mother, to stay quiet and let me handle his distress. She then starts swearing at me and the girl looks at her like she is a maniac. My sister then starts smearing me to this poor girl - telling her made-up stories of how I have always victimised her and treated her badly.
As the night goes on, it becomes obvious her psychopathic plan is not going well for her. She has more screaming fits. The girl eventually comes to me and says 'sorry to say but your sister has serious problems, i feel sorry for you...' and leaves.

My sister starts crying when the girl leaves and berating herself, calling herself stupid and dumb and lashing out at herself wildly. The whole time, I'm thinking of how to best shield my nephew from all of this. She shows zero concern for him. I decide it is pointless to engage with her in any authentic way, even though i want her out as soon as possible, i decide it best to placate her and soothe her so she is in a calmer mood around her child. I tell her she is not stupid, and that the girl just doesn't understand her. I ask her if she has any passions or things she wants to get involved in, to maybe create a little career/hobby of her own. I suggest we walk to the park nearby so the child can play and have fun, as we talk. This calms her down and she agrees.
She talks about how she loves make-up and applying it. I encourage her to apply for health and beauty training opportunities. In the park, she is calmer than I've ever seen her. She is relaxed and in the moment. Its like she had been yearning to be listened to.
It breaks my heart that this will be over as soon as they drive back home. I feel absolutely powerless to stop this and to make their lives better.
Never mind the traumatic memories of how she hurt me.
Never mind the deep depression and terror i had been living in and which had no room at all during the visit. On the balance of things, it was my decision to put that aside for the sake of a vulnerable child.
But it dawned on me with despair that my empathy in this situation will always be used against me, will always be used to serve her. There is no room for boundaries or anyone else's needs.

When she was without child, it was far easier to not interact with her. Now she has a baby, its like she understands that normal people will care and this will be her vantage point.
That day left me like a zombie. I felt paralysed with terror and fear.  :spooked: I didn't know what to do....how could i casually say to my best friend the next day: 'by the way, my psychopathic sister visited and this happened...?'
So i locked it up in a box, as with all the other things i couldn't deal with, and lived with terrifying nightmares and c-ptsd symptoms, not knowing what they were or why they happened to me.

No-one else in my family was anywhere near normal. When I told my other sister, she merely went quiet. These silent responses often cemented the trauma...the silence seemed to confirm the helplessness and deep fear that the world was unsafe and I should just accept that I didn't deserve it to be any different.

(Since those traumatic days, i have reported her to social services and told them as much as I could. I only wish I'd known to do it sooner, much sooner).

The guilt of buying things/wanting to have fun.

That day I got the teenage mutant turtle inflatable. With another inflatable. And a towel and a mug.
My heart was pounding and i felt so scared, and disgusted with myself.
I wanted the inflatables badly, for so long, when i was yearning to go and splash in the river with the other kids, or in a pool.
Mum disapproved of having fun, going out, buying things. She cut off all my social contacts as soon as dad passed away. We were to always stay indoors and not entertain ideas of socialising.
I felt guilty and 'indulgent'. She of course had to comment on the mug and towel i bought for myself. I was sick of using the old, worn out towels she refused to throw out, and rarely even washed. They smelt bad and were shared by the whole family. I wanted my own towel. And the mug was small and purple. I liked it. I was 16 and had enough of never being able to buy anything for myself.
She made me feel like it was wrong. Wrong to buy things for myself. Wrong to want things and wrong to even NEED things. I never used those inflatables. I didn't even want to look at them in the end. Who did I think I was, daring to believe I could have fun and be entitled to it?

Therapy is working....slowly.
Its causing cognitive dissonance before it works, understandable.
But it is exhausting and scary.
Realisations are hitting more and more.
The rumination at night time got very heavy and difficult to manage. I set up new rules for bed time. Get up and walk to the bathroom if im tossing and turning and having too many racing thoughts. Make a hot drink. Get out of bed in the morning despite the many crippling thoughts and especially the inner critic hitting the hardest when i wake up. Feelings of dread and anxiety and doom.
I'm trying to develop myself in the areas where i missed out on. Boundaries. Self-esteem. Not taking on other people's responsibilities. Not blaming myself for everything, and every time someone behaves badly, as if i inherently deserve it just by being me. Standing up for myself.
Not resorting to idealistic fantasies as a way of coping - that was necessary when i was younger, now its detrimental.

Talking out memories of particularly hard-hitting emotions that were left unaddressed and silenced. Not continuing to silence myself.
Being patient and kind to myself.

A lot of this healing seems to me to be about re-parenting, after re-visiting and 'resolving' old wounds/traumas. Correcting the emotional imbalances and healing festering wounds, then learning how to do things differently. How to relate to the world differently. How to show up everyday differently. How I talk to myself differently. Not constantly put myself down and shame myself or believe I am not allowed to make mistakes/be anything less than perfect. Learning this and practising this, over and over and over again.
That old mindset tortured me for so long.
Its all about repetition.
We got used to one awful reality...now its time to get used to another. A more hopeful and positive reality.
One that does not include emotional vampires. I've noticed they are very drawn to me. My therapist said its because of my vulnerability. I am getting better at feeling both vulnerable AND fending them off. Not engaging as i used to, not feeling obliged or like i owed it to them to be nice and receptive. They are the types of people who say far too much, far too soon and have constant problems. They have no boundaries and cross them easily with the inappropriate things they say and do.
Just like my family.

Sometimes it just feels like one huge mess that cannot be untangled readily. And I suppose it can't. But every little step untangles another little segment. And the brief moments of clarity and feelings of ease - sometimes they even last a whole day - make it all worthwhile.

hey,

i agree w/ you about the entanglement of all this stuff we've gone thru, experienced, witnessed, or were helpless about, and how very slowly it sometimes seems for the tangles to get straightened out.  therapy can be slow, but every tiny step we take is something to build on later, and it's always there, even if we forget it for a minute.   

i hear you about processing all this stuff - sometimes it came so quickly, one after another, that there just wasn't time to process - but i was never taught how to do it properly, either.  one thing i do believe is that different ways can work differently for different people.  writing here on the forum has helped me a lot, allowing the feedback and support that i've received (which has been a process in itself), as well as other things i've just made up to help myself.  i've done 'funerals' for past relationships and people who are no longer in my life, or for what i didn't get that i needed and can never go back for.  i did anger notebooks, where i only put in angry thoughts and feelings and words toward people who have hurt me - when the notebook was full, i threw it away.  didn't want all that negativity around me anymore.

you'll find your way, and it'll be personal and you'll know it's right for you when you do it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion :hug:

I've taken a few days off work to focus on my healing work.
I figured its much called-for after the past week. With the combination of doing the video interview for the police last Saturday, and all the panic about the coronavirus, I did not feel up to being a doctor during this health crisis. I already had one patient last week who sent me into a spiral by loudly claiming about corona cover-ups in the hospital I work at.

Its been quite helpful so far. I've been focusing on some of the persisting emotional blockages, the ones that creep up suddenly and if I don't pay them attention, they grow in size until they become quite monstrous and way too overwhelming. Filling up lots and lots of journal paper  :stars:

I've been thinking of you over the past few days with the health crisis. I'm glad you've been able to take a few days off, as looking after yourself is important. I'm glad the journalling is helpful. :hug:

Aww, that means so much to me. Definitely not used to hearing that someone has been thinking of me.

I feel very positive this evening, a welcome respite. Not even gonna start questioning how long this might last! I'm going to brave work in the morning, see how I get on. Have a therapy appointment in the afternoon so that's always a comforting factor to look forward to.

Hope you've been well Snowdrop, I always appreciate your kind responses  :grouphug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on March 17, 2020, 06:50:42 PM
I've been thinking of you over the past few days with the health crisis. I'm glad you've been able to take a few days off, as looking after yourself is important. I'm glad the journalling is helpful. :hug:

Glad you were aware that you needed some time off work and gave yourself the time.

Did anybody ever use...fantasy as a way of coping? And being easy prey for rubbish relationships but fantasy thinking would fill in the blanks? I'm realised I used to do that. I would get attached to a completely fabricated relationship that didn't match the one I had in real life....the one in real life was papered over to make it seem safe, secure, fun and this feels embarrassing to admit.....finally going to be the thing that made all the pain and the past somehow go away.
It didn't.

Today feels so dark. I woke up feeling pretty full to the brim with heavy emotions. Which brought back memories of the last guy I had this fantasy 'trauma bond' with. I've started doing some healing exercises related to the memories of this, since they keep coming back, with stronger intensity.
2017-2018 was completely ruined because of this. As was Paris, which I am really annoyed and regretful about. I feel like the city has been tainted. I can barely think of it or see a picture of the eiffel tower without feeling like the breath has been knocked out of me and my heart starts pounding and I remember feeling abandoned, rejected, given the silent treatment and like I was completely unworthy. I hate that a city like that has been ruined for me. Its such a profound trauma right now, I still struggle to breath when I think about it.
That bit outside the eiffel tower where tourists take pictures. The grass. The lights. The fountains.

I feel defeated, I know I need to go towards this pain to overcome it but it feels raw still, too engulfing. I'm scared it will never go away.

hey, holidayay,

i have used stories that i made up in my mind with relationships so that they could 'be' what i wanted them to be.  honestly, i think that at the time it was a survival technique i used to get thru other horrible situations.  i believe it started when i was very young, maybe 3 or 4, when i had a doll i loved, and holding her would help me go to sleep.

one night, she wasn't there on my bed, and i didn't know what happened to her.  being taught not to ask questions, i never said anything, but i remember quite clearly making up a story that a fairy king needed her and took her away.  much later in life, i finally asked my mom about it, she said the doll was old and dirty and she threw her away.  so, yeah, i've used fantasy to help get me thru things.  i also was very interested in fantasy books, like 'alice in wonderland' where i would lose myself to the rest of the world, so immersed that i wouldn't hear people calling my name till they were nearly in my face, yelling.

so, yeah, i've been using fantasy for a very long time in my life, making relationships seem to be something they're not.  i don't think there's shame in admitting this stuff - i think there's courage, tho.  we do what works for us to get thru whatever situation we're in.  i've been in plenty of bad relationships where i keep thinking this or that will work, but you're right - it never did.  love and a hug filled with care and understanding :hug:

I've used fantasy as a way of coping as well. Like San, I see it as a survival mechanism.

I know it's hard, but I also know that you're a fierce survivor. My suggestion is to be gentle with yourself, and give yourself as much self-care as you possibly can.

Sending you lots of love and big hugs. :hug:

Thinking of you. Hope you're bearing up ok. :hug:

 :yeahthat:

love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Hi Holidayay,
I relate to what you said about fantasy, although I think that for me, it's that parts of myself somehow take a situation and then paint/change it to a more acceptable thing - to protect other parts, and therefore I can't view things in a necessarily balanced or clear way - and I've been re-appraising some of my past relationships and realise that certain things were repressed and certain things were changed by my memory and perception to be more acceptable and to allow me to cope.  (I am feeling tied up with my words) but I wanted to say that I do relate to what you said.

Sending you a safe hug, if you would like one  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi everyone! Thank you all for your comforting words, I really cherish the validation and care I feel when I read them :)

Trigger warning - anger

I've been overwhelmed with the speech at which unresolved things seem to be demanding for my attention, after I opened pandora's box. Its making me feel overwhelmed and I cannot think clearly. I've had the maximum 12 session of EMDR my work paid for, neither myself not the therapist felt it was enough but that's their limit. That in itself is angering. It makes me want to sarcastically say to them Oh, I'm very sorry the pervasive, daily crap inflicted on me by a narcissistic mother and her minion children didn't fit neatly into a randomly allocated number of sessions that YOU decide is enough. Well, it is not! And its shameful to even think its ok to open up pandora's box enough to heal some things, then leave out the rest, raw and festering.
THANKS A LOT.

I have my private therapist but she charges so much!! Its £110 an HOUR. I just can't see her that regularly at those prices. And on top of it, now COVID is underway, her office is shut and she is still working out how to have sessions and i don't want them done virtually because a/impersonal and b/my house isn't that soundproof and i don't want my nosy housemate hearing my private things. I just want the safety of her office which is nestled in between forests.

So many things are making me feel angry and resentful. I'm tapped into the mourning and grieving stage for all the things i didn't get and will never have. I saw an instagram post of my friend's mum dressing up as a shark to wave her off to work, joking and laughing and telling her how much she loved her, whilst my friend was about to drive off.
I never had that. Whenever I left home, my mum loved to put on a sad face and leave me with a tragic story of her victimhood and she would look abandoned and sad and insist on making me food after purposely making my life miserable the last few days before leaving and i would leave confused and feeling guilty at not wanting to spend time with her, but sad that she looked abandoned and that i hadn't said some kinder things, which i never wanted to, it didn't feel authentic because she would have gone out of her way to ruin everything!
Her favourite lines to ruin happiness were 'talking and laughing are bad for your health..' she drilled that into me from a young age. She hated birthdays, xmases, religious holidays, anyone else celebrating anything.....when we were younger, she would lock the doors and pretend to be asleep when those special occasions happened and give us silent treatment so i felt too much fear to raise it up with her that I was wanting to go celebrate with my friends or to go to whatever event the local community had organised. I felt terrified, torn between wanting desperately to go, but fearful of making her unhappy and incurring her wrath. Her rages were explosive and nothing was off-limits. I was cursed at and labelled all kinds of horrific things from as early as i can remember.

Now thinking of this...it makes me FURIOUS. How DARE SHE. Does she really think she is displaying her mighty and powerful ways by dominating over and ruining helpless' children's lives? Wow, well done, she must feel so big and clever knowing that's her tiny bit of control in life. Pathetic. And lauding over us at the same time how amazing a mother she is, how everyone commends her, how we will 'understand when we are older and thank her for it' (i grew older, never understood, never thanked her for it, grew older some more, and still no understanding/thanking, but more the opposite).

I have it memorised off by heart her views on birthdays and xmases. It was the same old fight every year. I want to just go find her now and say: 'look, you've been fighting this depressing, miserable battle for nearly 40 years now starting with my oldest sibling. I've heard this depressing, miserable, pathetic, vile, virtiolic speech and your tantrums and refusals to acknowledge or attend the celebrations but hellbent stubbornness on ruining them over and over and over again and guess what, none of us STILL agree, none of us WANT to join you with your misery and agree to your ethos which is all lies - you base it on religious warped justifications that celebrating is for heathens and whores - weird obsession you've always harboured btw, female sexuality - when in reality, you are miserable and only enjoy life when you get your narcissistic supply, other people's attention and you can go on and on about yourself and those days of celebrations, you don't get to do that and it makes you visibly seethe with anger to see anyone having fun, its disturbing...that you do pathetic things like insult somebody or confuse them with word salad and sit back and smirk as you watch their face fall or they get worked up.......THE WHOLE CHIRADE IS QUITE FRANKLY BORING, depressing and very transparent now...get a grip and move on from this depressing repetitive cycle. OH AND BY THE WAY, you're a complete hypocrite, how come 'talking and laughing too much isn't bad for your health' when YOU DO IT, when YOU SPEND HOURS ON THE PHONE cackling or when you bump into one of your warped religious like-minded friends and go running to their house for dinner and spend hours there and only think I'm worthy to include to show off about my education but other than that, I'm just barely even human to you. I'm just an attention-giver/listener/company for your misery/emotional punchbag in your eyes.

How dare you.

Even in my last conversation with you, confronting you about the serious abuse YOUR elder children did to ME, you treated it with such trivialty and started laughing at one point. Like its a joke. And then proceeded to want to rant to ME about how you hate those elder children, using MY abuse as an opportunity to vent your anger towards them because...'they're off doing their heathen celebrations', back to your usual, pathetic spiel. Once again, dismissing my distress and pain and using it as a stepping stone to get back to you. You and your misery. I remember once I got fed up of you and told you bluntly that you were constantly negative and depressing and not helpful to solving any problems and make life unnecessarily difficult. You acted shocked and angry that anyone could see you as negative and not only the positive things you wanted the world to see you as, despite never behaving in a way that is in any way indicative of that! I wish someone had sectioned you up long ago. I wish the psychiatric community has advanced far more than where it is and recognised the real and severely damaging consquences of people like you. But its hard to even see you as a victim of a mental disorder because you hide it around others, which shows a degree of self-awareness and that you know those behaviours are unacceptable. You know those behaviours are inhumane, on some level, you DEFINITELY KNOW.
I'm so angry at all the beautiful and happy days that were cut short once dad died bcause you took over the reigns with such abusive gusto and coercive control. I'm so angry I missed out on a happy childhood and the self-esteem, confidence and long-term friendships that come as by-products of a stable childhood. I'm furious that even now, and forever more, I will never experience a happy home of my blood family to go home to. I'm angry I have a mother, but I am denied the mothering experience. I'm angry I've had to teach myself everything and against the slow gradient of YOU, forever pushing me back everytime i made any steps forward with your insistence on maintaining the toxic status quo. I'm angry you chose a warped version of religion over me, your own child. I'm angry you don't even follow the nicer tenets of religion yet claim religious back for your warped ways, yet overlook the parts of religion that would hold you culpable and endeavours to make life more beautiful, more fair. You don't really want religion. You just want sanctioning for your miserable, depraved ways. THAT'S the god you want. You don't fool me, though your smug smirk often makes me feel like you are convinced that you do.

I'm tired now. But I'm not even done. I need a break from all this.

i wish i could have read all you wrote, but right now that's not possible.  however, i do want to tell you that i, too, grieve for what i didn't get, and it's ongoing, neverending, it seems. 

sorry that you can't have more emdr sessions - that sucks.  i'm on phone time with my t, too, and i understand the frustration of not being able to see her face to face to resolve my issues.  hang tough, ok?  we'll get thru this together.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you  :grouphug: It sure doing feel ongoing and neverending at times. The most frustrating thing is having breakthroughs, feeling 'normality' so much to the point where I almost can't remember what it felt like to be dysregulated and getting used to it...then bham! It hits again and I feel like I'm starting from scratch again.

Its so exhausting, i slept for a long time after my ranting post. Every muscle fibre felt exhausted. I kicked the dirt on my walk home trying to physically get the frustration and blockages OUT.

Sending you love and strength, I'm with you on your journey  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 28, 2020, 03:13:01 PM
i wish i could have read all you wrote, but right now that's not possible.  however, i do want to tell you that i, too, grieve for what i didn't get, and it's ongoing, neverending, it seems. 

sorry that you can't have more emdr sessions - that sucks.  i'm on phone time with my t, too, and i understand the frustration of not being able to see her face to face to resolve my issues.  hang tough, ok?  we'll get thru this together.  love and hugs :hug:

Inner child poem - 'Why didn't I get that?'

When the girls from across the road would go camping with their parents, excitedly piling into their car, with their toys and sweets for the long journey - why didn't I get that?
When I could feel the excitement of adventure hanging in the air, awaiting them, as they waved goodbye, why didn't I get that?
When the other girls were asked to be bridesmaids and were excited about their pretty dresses, why didn't I get that?
When other kids were allowed to play out and enjoy normal activities like shopping and swimming, why didn't I get that?
Why did I always feel like I have to make myself as invisible as possible? As less burdensome as possible? As less: giving-anyone-an-extra-job-by-having-wants as possible?
I wanted to go to that birthday party...mum didn't bother to ask and left me there, and the birthday girl's parent reprimanded me, scolded me as she had 'only paid for 10 children'. I had to reassure her I could leave, there was a family friend in McDonald's I'd recognised who might agree to take me home. She told me to do that. Why as an 8 year old, did I have to do that?
Why?
Why am I not as worthy as those other kids?
What is it about that those kids that is more special than me? I've talked to them. They don't do or say anything extraordinary like I feel I have to, not to even get what they get, but just to have some peace.
Why do I deserve fear, terror and a lack of safety?
Why did I have to get that?

a whole lotta truth in there, my dear.

sending a hug full of love and hope. :hug:

Your Inner Child poem really captures that alienation that feels so familiar. It so resonates with my own experiences

My goodness, what a terrible position for your M to have put you in with that birthday party, and abandoned little you there! And why couldn't the other M have made the minimal effort to include you, choosing instead to reject you harshly in front of an audience? That must have been so painful, embarrassing, and confusing to you as an 8 yo. Kids that age don't have the perspective to know that it's not them, it's the adults behaving atrociously

Hi holidayay, I just wanted to tell you that your poem resonates deeply with me. Thank you for sharing about the tough and hurtful situations; some of the situations that you described I haven't even admitted to myself.
:grouphug:

I don't have much energy to reply to each of you :(

I feel like I can't take anymore. Its been dawning on me with increasing horror how much my ideas on relationships, friendships, myself, other people, the world was all based on lies and fear and the exact details of the distorted views and how I came to see them that way and how they affected my life negatively and were all based on me living in survival mode and thinking that was normal......

Its way too much. Even down the fact that I don't even know or can feel anything in real time - my instincts always being to immediately feel shame, ignore/pretend its not happening or push myself aside to fix the issue to least convenience others so they won't yell at me or humiliate or or abandon me.

I can't believe it. I wanted answers and this is....well, be careful what you wish for. I can't believe the ease with which I have dehumanised myself due to internalising my mum's words and reactions. I just can't believe the sheer horror of it all. How on EARTH do I even process and move on from this?
The thought of living along those same lines and dynamics for another day sickens me.

Quote from: saylor on March 30, 2020, 04:05:21 PM
Your Inner Child poem really captures that alienation that feels so familiar. It so resonates with my own experiences

My goodness, what a terrible position for your M to have put you in with that birthday party, and abandoned little you there! And why couldn't the other M have made the minimal effort to include you, choosing instead to reject you harshly in front of an audience? That must have been so painful, embarrassing, and confusing to you as an 8 yo. Kids that age don't have the perspective to know that it's not them, it's the adults behaving atrociously

Thank you for seeing things this way. This is exactly how I felt - I was humiliated and felt such shame and a huge wave of shame with thoughts like 'oh silly you, you thought you could be like the other kids and go to a birthday party?? Don't you know you're meant to be invisible?' I remember seeing my sister running towards the play area (she had received an official invite, unlike me) and she ignored me when I told her they didn't want me there. I cried that she didn't care either. The man I'd see in McDonald's agreed to take me home, though, and he was nice to me.

I honestly can't fathom now, as an adult, how adults can behave this way towards children. My mum leaving me there, not bothering to ask the woman if it was okay, and then the woman blaming and shaming a child and leaving an 8 year old to deal with such a situation. She didn't even come with me to ask the man! I can't believe this - if this happened to a child now and I was in the position of that woman - a/ I would try to include her as much as possible b/ if money was THAT much of an issue, I could ring her parents whose number I would have thought to have if I had invited her sister and c/ at the very least, go speak to the man in McDonalds and explain the situation.

:pissed:

Did anybody else have a mother like this, who was so reckless and arrogant, this example is very typical of her. She always used to say this phrase in her mother tongue which used to anger me so much, it translates as 'let things slide/go unnoticed under other people's noses' and had this very arrogant attitude that anything that involved money and responsibility, other adults could take the buck for her and they wouldn't notice because she, in her mind, had cleverly 'let things go unnoticed under their noses'. Trouble is, they DID notice and usually let it be known to her kids, after she had disappeared, as if we should shoulder the embarrassment and admonishing.
I remember growing up and her constantly bleating on about how the community within which we lived didn't bother to come together to get her a house after my dad passed away, and how they have betrayed her and let her down and they were total traitors.

Who expects a house to be bought for them by the community once your spouse passes away???? And she wasn't even a supportive figure within  the community - constantly causing friction and blasting people and driving wedges between everyone.
This sense of entitlement was so shocking. NPD at its finest.
And yet, when one woman within the community's husband got dementia and passed away, she was only gleeful. I remember thinking - oh, so if you practice as you preach, shouldn't you be thinking she deserves a house right now??

Quote from: marta1234 on March 31, 2020, 09:55:44 PM
Hi holidayay, I just wanted to tell you that your poem resonates deeply with me. Thank you for sharing about the tough and hurtful situations; some of the situations that you described I haven't even admitted to myself.
:grouphug:

Thank you and I wish you lots of strength in your journey  :grouphug: Admitting things is so difficult especially at first, I'm trying to stick with it and feel all the icky feelings and see it through. Hoping there's a lot of healing for all of us, we all deserve it.

i agree.  i'm overwhelmed at the moment at all the realizations, etc., that have been coming up lately, and honestly, it's just one step, then another, make it thru this day, make it to the next.  that's pretty much my mantra right now.  each step counts, and we're stepping right beside you.  you're absolutely not alone in this.  it's horrible!  love and hugs. :grouphug:

I agree with you, like san. I've been feeling so hopeless too about the reality of the past; it's just so scary and how am I supposed to process or comprehend that? How am I supposed admit that those feelings were real, that the fear was real, and that it happened to me?
But I want to tell you that we're all here for you, holidayay, and that we're going through this together, at different times. Know that you can reach out and write out those scary feelings or just your present state of mind, and you'll find support every time. :grouphug:

Thank you san and marta, your words have given me strength this morning. I even got out of bed early, made my bed, took out the rubbish and made a cup of tea! (That's a big deal these days). Got my journal and painting now....there's an art competition on related to my work which I have sketched out a piece for, have been waiting to feel more energised to continue with it. Maybe today.

Hope you both have a good day and marta, when you do decide you feel ready to address things, please do share whatever you feel comfortable with. We are all here for you too  :grouphug:

Great job for the cup of tea and cleaning up! :cheer:
And thank you for your kind words  :hug:

well done, my dear, on not only getting out of bed, but also for getting on with your art.  :thumbup:

little by little, we shall get thru this.  that's why we're here.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you guys  :) I hope everyone is having a restful start to the weekend  :hug:

Theme of the day: jealousy (urgh)

I'm beginning to realise...it really isn't as scary - in terms of consequence(s) to walk towards the darkness. The emotions. The feelings. That my fear and angst is more about how I have been conditioned to feel towards having the feelings, if that makes sense. My programming is to shut them down, immediately. But I've noticed that actually, walking towards them and admitting them isn't that bad at all.
We are not just the light, easy, happy, fluffy part of life. No-one is. That is the easier, nicer, side of the coin that abusive people want us to be, to accommodate for their dark, difficult, unhappy, rigid parts.

I went towards a really difficult part today. After blocking it out on auto-pilot just before bed, and having a horrendous night's sleep as a result. I'm still getting the hang of allowing those feelings to be, as they surface, in real time.

I saw some pictures of some people from medical school. The type that i guess, my biggest fears always projected onto. The kinds of kids who, on the surface at least, are bright, light, happy, funny and have loving families and know how to be, and naturally get validation and all the wonderful things life has to offer. Far more easily than I deserve to.
I realised this had been one of my biggest fears and causes of feeling completely invisible. Comparing myself to the picture-perfect image of them that is available on the surface.
Ironic, because it sounds a lot like how I just described above the light, happy, bright, fluffy side of life that I always felt I had to encompass. Maybe my biggest fear is that.....those kids could accomplish that criteria just by being, and I never figured out how, therefore this is why I am still undeserving.

Wow, the power of writing it all out. I didn't even think of this before.

I used to avoid such people all the time, because the agonising inner voice comparing me to them and putting myself down would go beserk around them. But then, a few times, when one or two of them would reach out and try to be friendly with me, I saw their human side.
Things weren't always perfect for them, at all.
One girl I'd pigeon-holed as 'definitely having it better and far more deserving than me' even once confessed in me about her history of going through abuse.

I just don't know why these old feelings are still coming up.
I feel jealousy, and envy and bitterness and those toxic thoughts of 'why do they deserve it and i don't?'. There was one girl in one of the pictures who seems to have it all....she's beautiful, tall, dates a really nice guy who also happens to be really good-looking, his family seem loving and caring, they moved in together and seem like the kind of couple who are destined to marry.
Something about her makes me feel like a failure, a has-been, a....scrap.
I barely even know her, so I know a huge part of this must be about my own insecurities and fears.

I never wanted to address these thoughts and fears because I never wanted to be bitter, resentful, jealous. I always thought, logically, it is a waste of time and most likely centred around distorted views of others' external life. Especially in this digital age.
And yet here I am, envious and jealous.

Quote from: holidayay on April 04, 2020, 10:00:26 AM
We are not just the light, easy, happy, fluffy part of life. No-one is. That is the easier, nicer, side of the coin that abusive people want us to be, to accommodate for their dark, difficult, unhappy, rigid parts.

I had never thought of it this way, but it does make some sense to me.

Quote
I never wanted to address these thoughts and fears because I never wanted to be bitter, resentful, jealous. I always thought, logically, it is a waste of time and most likely centred around distorted views of others' external life. Especially in this digital age.
And yet here I am, envious and jealous.

I guess for me it was and is different; occasionally through my young years I would feel that, the envy of another person, but I'd always be too scared to even touch that feeling or put it into words. I remember when I did, I would feel so bad about myself and ashamed that I'd feel envy for someone other's "simple" life: nice family, safety and good school work. Sometimes though I would feel scared that I envy other people's lives, because subconsciously I knew that meant something was wrong with mine. And the wrong part was scary.
I think feeling the jealousy and envy today, as you said, is most likely because you are listening to your other parts and what they have been feeling your whole life. And now, you hear it.

Anyways, bravo to opening up to your feelings and other parts :thumbup: I know it's scary, so give yourself a big pat on the back for that work. :applause:

i agree with marta - bravo on opening up to your feelings, recognizing what's going on.

you know, i was one of those people who was envied.  my foo looked great on the outside, and other kids wished they were part of my family cuz we looked like we were all fuzzy and happy and light.  even when i got older, i had people envy me cuz they thought i had it all together, i was funny, cute, etc.  they had no idea that i was numb to anything except to the light, happy being i showed toward others.  i helped that numbness along thru alcohol and drugs and any number of other addictions.

feeling your real feelings can be terribly difficult and painful at times, as i'm finally finding out, but i do believe that it's a positive thing that will help us continue to heal.  so, right beside you, my dear. love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: marta1234 on April 04, 2020, 11:00:06 AM

Quote from: holidayay on April 04, 2020, 10:00:26 AM
We are not just the light, easy, happy, fluffy part of life. No-one is. That is the easier, nicer, side of the coin that abusive people want us to be, to accommodate for their dark, difficult, unhappy, rigid parts.

I had never thought of it this way, but it does make some sense to me.

Quote
I never wanted to address these thoughts and fears because I never wanted to be bitter, resentful, jealous. I always thought, logically, it is a waste of time and most likely centred around distorted views of others' external life. Especially in this digital age.
And yet here I am, envious and jealous.

I guess for me it was and is different; occasionally through my young years I would feel that, the envy of another person, but I'd always be too scared to even touch that feeling or put it into words. I remember when I did, I would feel so bad about myself and ashamed that I'd feel envy for someone other's "simple" life: nice family, safety and good school work. Sometimes though I would feel scared that I envy other people's lives, because subconsciously I knew that meant something was wrong with mine. And the wrong part was scary.
I think feeling the jealousy and envy today, as you said, is most likely because you are listening to your other parts and what they have been feeling your whole life. And now, you hear it.

Anyways, bravo to opening up to your feelings and other parts :thumbup: I know it's scary, so give yourself a big pat on the back for that work. :applause:

Holy fig, I was terrified, expecting outraged reactions and that you might say I am horrible and the disturbed one for saying my truth. I did not expect to be understood like this. I'm almost at a loss...I'm so used to preempting my admissions being used against me (see you the one who is x, y and z'.
So thank you. For not using my feelings and authenticity against me.
Bless you, your examples of feeling similar growing up, I can so understand them from the outside looking in. Its easier to say i guess but I can see clearly you had nothing to be ashamed of and it was actually healthy to be envious of the things you didn't have that you needed...as a way of your soul acknowledging what was vitally missing from your life.
And I know exactly what you mean about subconsciously knowing something is wrong but which you can kind of almost fully pretend isn't if you were to not feel or think certain things...I had a thought the past week, since allowing myself to feel things more and more that: 'wow, no wonder my child self chose to dissociate and live in books and fantasies..even the romantic ones i posted feeling embarrassed about....this amount of pain is overwhelming far too much for me as a 30 year old, that it would have been impossible for a child to weather fully'.

What you said about listening to my other parts and finally hearing it...it makes sense. I'm scared, I'm terrified....what is giving them this listening and space opens an endless pit? I feel very ill-equipped to deal with this other than allow myself to feel it/journal it....the only reason I'm allowing it to even come up is because i can't push it away any longer, it keeps coming back, more ferociously and with greater strength!  :'(

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 04, 2020, 05:12:09 PM
i agree with marta - bravo on opening up to your feelings, recognizing what's going on.

you know, i was one of those people who was envied.  my foo looked great on the outside, and other kids wished they were part of my family cuz we looked like we were all fuzzy and happy and light.  even when i got older, i had people envy me cuz they thought i had it all together, i was funny, cute, etc.  they had no idea that i was numb to anything except to the light, happy being i showed toward others.  i helped that numbness along thru alcohol and drugs and any number of other addictions.

feeling your real feelings can be terribly difficult and painful at times, as i'm finally finding out, but i do believe that it's a positive thing that will help us continue to heal.  so, right beside you, my dear. love and hugs :hug:

Awww, thank you for sharing. I needed to hear that, as a reminder that not all is as it seems on the surface. I'm very glad for you that you are finding out about feeling your real feelings and feel motivated when i hear you're on this journey too. I hope we continue on this journey and slay the necessary dragons each time they pop up. We so deserve to continue healing  :hug:

It's my sister's birthday today.
My sister who is vulnerable and who I tried my very best to look after, and it wasn't enough. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to walk away after she refused to have me in her life without the whole family getting a look-in. I couldn't do it anymore.
I still don't know anything more about whether she has finished her inpatient psychiatric treatment, how her new baby is, whether the baby is thriving in the care of foster parents.
I don't even know how covid is/has affected her being in hospital. And I'm a doctor. Imagine that. A doctor who goes in and looks after vulnerable people yet i haven't even enquired about my vulnerable relation. Am I acting against morality? Am I making heartless decisions Maybe. But I can't do it. Because the minute I get involved, the door opens for many new issues, manipulations, guilt, new trauma....its all in a day's work for them. And there is no-one there willing to look out for my needs if i don't do it myself. I justify it that I am withholding morality for a good reason: I can't be do my job properly if I open myself up to that. Time and time again, I've tried and it ends up with me, a collapsed mess, in bed, feeling like I want to die.
And not only that, but I have no idea what has happened at home since I gave my police recording of my other siblings' abuse against me.

And yet...it's her birthday. She's 34. I never forget 7th April - because 7 was always her favourite number. She was very vocal about it. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would not only be not wishing her a happy birthday, but that she would have a baby girl aged 33, who I would never meet.

But, on the upside...I did my first ever night shift as a doctor yesterday. I was terrified beforehand. But it was ok. More than ok. I cried 3 times to my colleagues. I even opened up and 2 of them shared with me their own stories of being separate from their families. It felt amazing to be understood, and given warm hugs and words of comfort.
And I channelled my longing to want to be there for my sister into a patient who was very frail and deteriorating. It felt like that empathy and care that is residing in me, dying to come out towards my sister, was transferred to him instead. And the local taxi service gave us a free ride home being key workers.

There's always good to be found. And now, I can sleep  :cheer:

Hi holidayay, I'm sending you comfort and a gentle hug (if that's ok) in these difficult times. :hug:
I am happy that you found kindness and comfort in opening up to your colleagues, especially with very personal information.
Sending you a blanket and a basket of comfort goodies. :hug:

Trigger **sibling SA warning**



I've not been wanting to face the topic of my mum. I knew it would come round the more work I did, the more things I faced, and it started a few days ago, started trickling in, and the shock/horror of it was too much to bear.
I suppose for many years my little mind blocked it out/minimised/lived in pretense and denial about the truth because it was way too much to face up to.

My mum is a malignant narcissist. I grew up accustomed to her dominating every conversation, talking about herself. Every. Single. Conversation.
When it wasn't on her, she would get mad and interrupt rudely and use religious abuse/her own brand of made up science/philosophy to shut down the conversation. Things from 'its pathetic and heathen to celebrate' to 'it is bad for your health to laugh and talk too much'.
She was so controlling and nosey. Every phone call, every text, she would demand to know who it is. I learnt the response had to go through a filter process to pacify her. It had to be someone of high status, who I had to make up had said nice things about her in order for her to be satisfied. As I grew older and started to get irritable and short with this ridiculous process, I would take a stand. She responded to anger by being silent and trying to hold herself back. This actually upset me, as if I was scolding her. She would then use other manipulative tactics to get it out of me. Like smiling a fake sweet smile and trying to sound innocuous - things such as starting off the sentence with  'oh, not that I want to know, but I just was worried about you...' when she wasn't at all.
My mind is racing a million miles remembering the many instances where she was controlling, nasty, manipulative, inappropriate.

She bullied my eldest siblings relentlessly. She jeered, mocked, shamed and humiliated them. I watched it all.
She had a particular hatred for my oldest sister. Who happened to be beautiful. I guess because that is the narcissistic mother's typical source of hatred. A young, beautiful daughter. She used to bully and order my eldest brothers to hit her, follow her around, keep checking in on her, wherever she went. In turn, they would order us younger ones to join in with the abuse. Order us all to ignore her, isolate her.
I was so confused.
Then the disgusting claims of incest came about. My sister made claims my eldest brother was sexually inappropriate with her. My mum was vile about it and blamed her and said 'you enjoy it, you ask for it' whereas my dad reacted with fury and threw him out of the house.
I was aged 7 or 8. I was so confused. My eldest brother was really kind and protective to me and suddenly he had been thrown out. I felt so upset for him, so sad at the thought of him being homeless. I didn't understand the disgusting claims being made. I just need it was something wrong and inappropriate.
When my sister was 15, she was a huge problem child at school. My parents were religious and decided she had to get married. Aged 15. Coming from a religious background where females were treated essentially as commodities, this wasn't too shocking back then. But now, in my mature adult state, I am in absolute shock recounting this. Aged 15! The lack of care afforded to me sister is shaking me up and making me feel dizzy and nauseaus. There was an older man who was apparently rich and well respected within the community. In his 20's. My sister in her naiive teenage years was 'excited to get married'.
It got round that he had mentioned he preferred a slimline figure like mine. My sister was annoyed and spiteful towards me about it and mocked me about my figure. I was less than 10 years old!!!!
In my confused state, i didn't know whether him saying that was a good or bad thing. I was puzzled why a grown man would notice my figure. On the other hand, I was shocked to be noticed...at all. I had gotten so used to being invisible and feeling like i needed to make myself as invisible as possible that for someone to even notice my existence gave me my first dose of feeling like I was...a person. Writing that makes me feel devastated. And makes me realise the ease with which young children starved of love can so easily be groomed.
I'm lucky that never happened to me, that I never crossed paths with an adult abuser in that respect.

This is all I can manage for now on the huge steaming pot of emotions related to my mum.
I need a tea break.

I had a jarring dream this morning which woke me up abruptly.
It was about the youngest of my brothers, who is a few years older than me. In my dream, i was talking to him about his heydays and how he'd since fallen. His heydays in my dream were symbolised by being married and owning his own football club. My mind even created a clip that we watched of him on the stands, beckoning his co-coach (his wife) and his team over. He looked so suave and in control.
That's not how he really was in his heyday. But he did used to be a go-getter. I watched him as a youngster, chasing and striving for better. He took it upon himself to study hard and get into university for engineering. He pushed me and my sisters to study hard and to focus on our work.
I watched him as he became disappointed in the real world. I remember intuitively feeling, even as a kid, that the real world wouldn't be as he expected. I used to muse that he thought all he had to do was get status, and everything would be ok. I instinctively felt that was incorrect and he was going to have a very horrible, rude awakening. The anxiety used to cripple me. What could I say? I was little more than a 12 year old at that point. I prayed my instincts were incorrect. But I knew deep down they weren't.
And it happened, exactly as I'd anticipated.
His ideas for climbing the ladder and getting in with the 'better off' fell spectacularly. He chased a girl 'of high status'. I still remember how he saved her name on his phone. 'L Real Class'. He wanted a 'high status, high class' everything, and that included a would-be girlfriend. He got into fraud whilst at university. The girl rejected him and somehow I saw the message on his phone from her 'you are the wrong colour'. It broke my heart.
He got found out for fraud, called our eldest brother to pick him up from uni , who proceeded to have a huge go at hime, blaming him for moving far away.
My anxiety was through the roof. Why had he gotten into fraud? Why did he only have aspirations of 'high status'? The narcissism model fits the bill, now, I can see...
He came home and was angry, moody, depressed. We bore the brunt of it.
If I thought my anxiety was sky-high before, now it was soaring. He stayed in bed much of his time, only to emerge to unleash rage onto my mum and us youngsters. He raged that as girls of the house, we should be doing his housework, laundry and cooking.
I just wanted to look after him and make him feel better. I wanted to tell him he didn't have to prove anything with the 'high status life' and that the 'real class' girl who had rejected him in a racist way was a awful snob who he was well rid of. I wanted to tell him it didn't matter to me that he had made bad decisions and got found out for fraud. I know he felt utterly humiliated. But he was like an angry bull. Only wanting to unleash her anger.
In the context of a heavily narcissistic family, this just begets more anger. My mum jeered at him relentlessly. Mocked him. That made him angrier. I felt so unbelievably sad watching all this. Thinking how wrong it all was. Thinking how he needed care and space and some kind of mentor and guidance not....my mum's bullying, histrionic madness. I felt powerless watching all this. Soon he started spending more and more time at our main house, instead of the flat he shared with my brother.
That made life infinitely more terrible. He was moody, dirty, lazy and in a heavy depression.
If we so much as spoke too loud, he would unleash * onto us.
My mum flipped between taunting him, to being afraid when he lashed out at us and tiptoeing around him and encouraging me to do the same.
The constant change of emotions required of me at a moment's notice was unbearable, my system felt completely awash with anxiety, cortisol and stress.

But more than all that.....was the sadness. How much I cared for him and how sad I felt that he had not been able to find his happiness and peace. How I wanted mum to stop bullying him. How his magical thinking about life (a coping technique i had also resorted to in my spare time) had failed him so spectacularly and I was so, so sorry for him. I wanted to hug him and tell him it was okay, that none of it mattered, that I still loved him regardless and that he shouldn't be preoccupied with money, the new gadgets he had bought like his flashy new phone which he could no longer pay for....none of it mattered to me. I could listen to him and help him figure things out, if he wanted me to. But he didn't. He didn't want any kindness beyond being given a free room and food for him to be cooked and served whilst he watched tv all day.

My heart broke so many times watching all this. The survival part of me felt dismayed - is this what awaited me once i left the family unit? A harsh reality check that I was unprepared for? The empathy part of me wanted to take it all off his shoulders and soothe him. Tell my mum to back off. Tell him he could rest and talk to me, and slowly we could help him find another dream, another way..he was smart and hardworking before all this, after all.
But he didn't want that. Over time, it became clear just how strong his narcissistic tendencies were. He became more and more demanding. He felt entitled to a 'wife' as our culture and religion would have him believe, in his mind. He felt low-paid jobs were 'beneath' him and that he shouldn't have to work.
He started leaching off family members more and more.
Stopped paying any of his share of the bills for the flat.
Ignored all demands for payment.
Got into drugs.
Got beaten up.
The list goes on and on and on.

My brother who lived with him slowly started going mad dealing with him. They fought insane fights. Bloody fights. I hated seeing the blood and scars. Finally I snapped and told my other brother to go hand in the keys to the landlord and say bills aren't being paid and that he was relinquishing the flat. Which is what he did.
I thought a rude awakening separating the two of them might help.
To some extent, it did. But the younger of the brothers still didn't seem to have the rude awakening call he needed. It shocked me how much needed to happen for him to shape up - where would it end? In fact, it never did. Last I heard he went from place to place, being kicked out of different accommodation for being lazy, defiant, dirty, obstructive, not paying rent.

In the end, I had to say a silent, heartbroken goodbye to him and shut him out of my heart abruptly. There was no time for grieving, or talking about it - there were many other family members who all seemed to be battling the spotlight for their own crazy, dysfunctional issues that seemed to happen on a daily basis as though it was just the norm. Just how life is.
Until I decided to fend for myself.
Leaving home aged 18 was both the most terrifying and best decision I could have ever done for myself.

And yet, I wish leaving emotionally and mentally was as easy as leaving physically. I have not lived with them full-time since 2007. And somehow, its only now I am playing catch up with all the emotional and mental distress I wanted to escape so badly.

After M's death.
Being in law class, feeling like I am going to burst.
Being terrified of what others will think. That my situation is too weird, too much, too abnormal to speak about and want to be around.
Not even recognising that compassion from others or myself for myself is a thing.
Wondering how I can show up for others in these circumstances...STILL.
I am furious at this.
How I was programmed to STILL only be concerned with others, making THEIR lives easy when I was going though * internally.

The world is not safe, no no no.
I'm at breaking point.

QuoteBeing terrified of what others will think. That my situation is too weird, too much, too abnormal to speak about and want to be around.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. You deserve to be heard and validated.  :hug:

Quote from: holidayay on April 23, 2020, 04:47:47 PM
Being terrified of what others will think. That my situation is too weird, too much, too abnormal to speak about and want to be around.

I am sorry you had to feel this way. No one should feel this isolated or have these thoughts. But most of us have. I know I have, most times when I was young in school, I would wonder these same thoughts that why I could never find support in my "friends"  when I'd talk about home troubles.

Quote
The world is not safe, no no no.
I'm at breaking point.

Reading this, I just want to give you a hug, if it's ok.  :hug: I hope you feel better soon, or find some relief. And as 3R said, you deserve to be heard and validated.

Thank you for the gentle kind words. As always, they are comforting  :grouphug:

I'm waiting for my taxi to work. Being brave this morning. Woke up early and journalled a lot of the rushing, racing thoughts.

Trigger warning - child abuse

The more stronger and independent I am getting, the more angry I am getting at how things were. How it could so easily have been different. Questioning what I could have done.
What breaks my heart the most is witnessing how my sister treated her kids. Her rage and anger was incomprehensible. She was verbally and physically abusive. If her kids acted out, this would enrage her even more and she would claim this 'is nothing to do with me, this is THEIR personality'. One time, my other sister got tired of my nephew misbehaving and complained how naughty and rude he could be. His mum hit the roof and hit him. THIS enraged me. Time and time and time again, I would try to tell her: you can't treat kids like this, you need to be patient, you can't scream at them in this frightening way, you can't hit them....all of which would fall on deaf ears. This time I couldn't hold it in any longer. I ran at her and pulled her away from hitting him and screamed at her 'YOU DO NOT HIT KIDS!'.
I left the house shaken and so depressed. I couldn't stand it any longer. I was home from university, trying to relax and dealing with the ever-present CPTSD symptoms and my family would never, ever let up.
Why didn't i do more? why didn't i call the police? why why why? should i have done more?

Dealing with dysfunction in others is extremely tricky! You say you were home from university so I assume you were only in your 20s - much too young to be dealing with family issues and the rage your sister was exhibiting. Her kids knew they had an ally in you, perhaps that was enough at the time. Be gentle with yourself. ❤️

Quote from: Three Roses on April 29, 2020, 02:47:24 PM
Dealing with dysfunction in others is extremely tricky! You say you were home from university so I assume you were only in your 20s - much too young to be dealing with family issues and the rage your sister was exhibiting. Her kids knew they had an ally in you, perhaps that was enough at the time. Be gentle with yourself. ❤️

Thank you. Yes, I was in my 20s.
I just feel utterly heartbroken.
Got a call during work from the officer dealing with my case and about another sister's newborn baby who has been taken into foster care...they are going to the family courts. How has it come to this? I spent an hour with the chaplain crying and venting. How can things ever possibly feel positive ever again? All those years I spent fearful of the truth, living in denial and now I know why....i was fearful of the truth and it is far worse than I could ever have anticipated.

You are in control of only yourself. You cannot control the actions of others. If the behavior of others is causing you torment, may I suggest you look into the concept of codependency? Specifically, the book "Codependent No More" is extremely helpful. Anything by that author (Melody Beattie) would be worth a look.  :hug:

holidayay,

we've all been in places and situations where there might have been more we could have done, but i truly believe we didn't because of how we'd been trained.  our training, our conditioning, how and what we've been taught about taking care of ourselves and others didn't leave much room for confidence, boundaries, or even knowing what's right or wrong.  the fear that was wrapped up in almost every aspect of our upbringing just didn't allow for us to do what we really wanted to do.

as 3r says, we can't control what others say or do.  we do what we can when we can, take care of ourselves and others as best we can.  at times in our lives it was much less than it might be now.  i think you did an amazingly courageous thing by confronting your sister at that time, and i give you a lot of credit for that.  it was at least one time when her child saw someone stand up for them and that's something they'll remember always.

i used to work w/ adolescents, and it was drummed into my head that if we could give a positive message to even one of them, we have changed something in their lives.  you did that for your nephew, and that's a lot.  it breaks my heart, too, to know about how much abuse continues to go on, and there's nothing i can do about it.  hopefully, those kids will grow up and get their own help for their abuse.  you have probably made it easier for at least one of them.

love and hugs, dear bach. :bighug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 30, 2020, 05:47:03 PM
holidayay,

we've all been in places and situations where there might have been more we could have done, but i truly believe we didn't because of how we'd been trained.  our training, our conditioning, how and what we've been taught about taking care of ourselves and others didn't leave much room for confidence, boundaries, or even knowing what's right or wrong.  the fear that was wrapped up in almost every aspect of our upbringing just didn't allow for us to do what we really wanted to do.

as 3r says, we can't control what others say or do.  we do what we can when we can, take care of ourselves and others as best we can.  at times in our lives it was much less than it might be now.  i think you did an amazingly courageous thing by confronting your sister at that time, and i give you a lot of credit for that.  it was at least one time when her child saw someone stand up for them and that's something they'll remember always.

i used to work w/ adolescents, and it was drummed into my head that if we could give a positive message to even one of them, we have changed something in their lives.  you did that for your nephew, and that's a lot.  it breaks my heart, too, to know about how much abuse continues to go on, and there's nothing i can do about it.  hopefully, those kids will grow up and get their own help for their abuse.  you have probably made it easier for at least one of them.

love and hugs, dear bach. :bighug:

Thank you  :grouphug: it has been one of the most difficult things to process and get my head around.
I know on a logical level you're absolutely right...its just so, so awful to face upto the fact that young kids live with abusers and its so complicated to try get them out of that, when no-one deserves that.
I just wish I wasn't so acutely aware of it. Its hard to focus on little else atm.

But thank you, words like yours are helping so much at the moment

Quote from: Three Roses on April 29, 2020, 08:42:33 PM
You are in control of only yourself. You cannot control the actions of others. If the behavior of others is causing you torment, may I suggest you look into the concept of codependency? Specifically, the book "Codependent No More" is extremely helpful. Anything by that author (Melody Beattie) would be worth a look.  :hug:

Thanks for the recommendation, I'll look into it. I never thought to look at it this way, I always through co-dependency was feeling like you could only be regulated through a relationship but now you mention it....maybe this relates to other types of relationships too, not just romantic.

Gosh, I feel like I've got a mountain of work still to do on so many parts of me. Every mountain I climb, there's another and another and another looming in between me and 'peace'. I'm so tired.

Constant dreams of exclusion

My symptoms have taken on a new flavour. Sigh. CPTSD: the gift that keeps on giving.

I am now having constant, endless dreams of being excluded. That guy at medical school who loved to continue the concept of 'popularity' and 'cliques' and would only talk to people/invite them to parties if he deemed them worthy enough. The popular crowd were rich, took plenty of drugs, and all lived by the same rules, rules that were completely alien to me. If you didn't already have the memo, you were out.
Then there was the group at work who giggled and flirted and whose sense of humour evaded me and who would brazenly ignore me.
Or the girl at work who did not deem me 'worthy' of being added to her instagram but instead wanted me as a number to increase her amateur business page.

People say all the time 'ignore people like that'. That's very hard to right now. I feel like I've had to ignore how I feel about feeling excluded my whole life. Its easier to ignore new people when you already have a solid base of love and support. I'm sick of yet again being misunderstood.
And even more than that, feeling toxic shame. It feels embarrassing to feel so deeply about things that seem like a high school issue. Yet they are affecting me so deeply. I'm beginning to wonder whether I have EUPD.

I can't bear to be excluded anymore.
I can't bear the feeling of being unwanted, unliked, uncared for, unseen.

To go through a childhood of this and then be told 'its now your responsibility to heal' is so madly unfair. Apparently there was an invisible line I crossed when I turned 18 that now made it my personal responsibility to chase understanding for incredibly complex, traumatic matters. All the while, seeing people from significantly less traumatic families experiencing no dilemma in reaching out for support and guidance for things that seem to pale in comparison.
They say life is unfair....I don't think it is. I think Life is neutral. I think our set up and human organisation makes it one way or another.

I'm getting so frustrated at everything again.
I woke up with a headache at the back of my head. The kind that I describe as feeling like you've been hit by a frying pan several times at the back of your head.

Its not fair.
And if one more person tells me to be my own mother, my own parent, give myself love, I may lose my rag.
How does it make sense that a person who has been taught to hate themselves, now weakened and ravaged by disturbed sleep, constant flashbacks, and isolation is expected to naturally have an abundance of love to tap into?
How paradoxical. It just seems like a cop-out, a way for others/the mental health system to evade any 'burdens'.
I wouldn't dream of telling a patient in my care who was haemorrhaging to be his own donor, transfer his own blood, conjure up more blood out of nowhere because 'no-one else will do it for you'.
How is this any different?

I am very frustrated.

Letter to my sister

You never spoke as a child. But my god, did you make up for it when you got older. You were like a hungry bear, starved of affection and love, on a ravenous hunt to feed yourself. I understand the pain you had; I'd had the same starvation.
But you...you wanted all the resources and support and energy that you could get your hands on. You were ruthless about shutting down anyone or anything who threatened to take a piece of that pie - who dared to also need space, time and attention - because as far as you were concerned, your poverty of love and comfort now made you more entitled than everyone else. It's true mum and our older siblings often pitted us against one another for their own gains. Their own manipulations and amusement and to keep themselves entertained. It was sick. Whenever things got too calm, too quiet, too 'boring', our mum would lash out and make a problem of one of us, turning us against one another in a smear campaign that was always sickening. Full of rage and venom.

But you didn't want to share. You recognised more than most in the family what you called my kind and understanding nature. That makes me angry to think of now, as if you recognised what you stumbled upon and could harvest for your own benefit. You had no problem in making your problems my problem. Our problems. Emotionally, mentally, psychologically, financially, physically, you wanted and demanded aid and assistance. When you got it, you would drop us - me - like a hot cake and go running back to your narcissistic ex to continue on your desperate attempts to extract his love and attention. Inevitably, once the idealisation phases were over, and the abuse would re-start, you would once again need assistance. And it was a LOT. A heavy burden. Endless hours on the phone, texts, emails. You didn't even realise or recognise it as a 'thing' - just something you deserved and entitled.
Nothing showed that more than when it was my turn to grow up and be faced with problems of my own. I'll never forget the naiivety I had about our relationship being reciprocal being shut down VERY fast and cruelly by you. When I told you how depressed and confused I felt, after I left home and couldn't focus on my studies. How I didn't have any money and was struggling to pay the bills. How lonely I felt. This was when I first saw your true colours with regards to the one-way nature of your expectations related to who gave and who received in the relationship.
You said it was 'my fault'. 'This is your problem, your fault, you can get a job' and refused to know. You did nothing of the hours-long soothing and comforting I used to give you, my heart crying in sorrow for you when you experienced difficulties. Knowing that if I didn't give you comfort, damn sure no-one else in the family would.
How could you never remember those times when it was me in need?
How could you betray me and abandon me like that?
That was the first time in my emancipated life I experienced that cold, hard loneliness that I have now grown accustomed to. That awful realisation creeping up on me, draining the blood and soul and life out of me, as all hopes of safety and comfort in others seeped away, and the cold reality of a dark abyss luring me in, convincing me this is where I really belonged.

You kept on doing that over the years.
And I kept on with the one-sided dance. I don't know why, in retrospect. I guess I didn't know differently. You cemented further in my mind the childhood messages I received: that i don't deserve everything, but dysfunctional people around me do. They deserve everything - their portion and mine and beyond.
When I broke down after my entanglement with an abusive boyfriend, you seemed irritated that your centre stage in this department was threatened. I had never ever seen anyone as obsessive and rigidly *-bent on keeping up with the cycles of abusive relationship as you. You and D - your ex - it went on for years. I wonder now if a small part of you loved the up and down oscillations of it all. How it gave you a thrill. You were forever on a chase. Anticipating, waiting, trying. You'd get back together, it'd be great than poof! back to the abuse, him disappearing, and you turning into a wreck. It was like you wanted me - and my life - to be on hand, on a stand-still, for the oscillations. Me having my own heartbreak wasn't accommodating for this.
You even tried to convince me this was true love - because my abusive entanglment with that guy mirrored your own i suppose. In my naiive and desperate state, i believed you. Read the books and resources you gave me on 'twin flames' (a load of rubbish). Started behaving like you. Chasing and hounding him. It didn't seem right, and eventualy, after one particular nasty message from him, I made my mind up to decide for myself what I would expect. I blocked him and took a deep breath, bracing myself for the recovery.

I didn't know how hard it would be. That being abused and abandoned by a partner who mirrors our early life experiences rips off all the bandages over our early wounds. The abandonement I felt was horrific. I couldn't study. I had just entered medical school, my dream come true, and I had never been so lost, so depressed. I had to suspend. In my bad state, I came home, to Mum. Desperate. I thought if she saw how bad i was, her and the others would let up. They didn't, of course. I lay in bed for days on end, trying to block it all out. I begged for you to visit. I told you i'd meet you in coffee shops, so you wouldn't have to deal with them. You didn't want to. You called me 'negative' and 'depressing' and that if i really felt suicidal, i would have killed myself by now.

Every word you said to me and about me to our other sister broke my already broken heart into even smaller pieces that I am still trying to piece back together. It felt like abandonment upon abandonment. It was so much pain and horror that I felt compelled to rationalise it on you behalf, so I could avoid the truth that you just didn't care about me or couldn't or weren't willing to.
But the truth is, you were cold and callous. After I eventually left my bed, I would try to take daily walks. I would walk around in a specific type of lonely haze, to the churchyard, and stare at the old graves. They felt as lonely and abandoned and forgotten about as I did. I would cry hot angry frustrated tears and felt like my soul was being destroyed when no-one ever turned up to wipe my tears away.
There was no-one coming to rescue me, there was no miracle awaiting where mum or you or anybody else in the family were about to change, and help me. So, feeling shaky and still traumatised, I resolved to put on my thinking caps and put all my baggage aside until i had a safe space to weep and grieve. I looked up rooms to rent back in my university town. Took a deep breath and caught the coach there. The first time, I couldn't handle it, and ran back home. The second time, though, I knew I had to push through. Either be traumatised in a safe space, or in the space that caused my trauma, i thought. I chose the first.
That's when you did for once show up. You drove me back there. Not after complaining and telling me that i was asking too much, that the 1.5 hour drive was too much for you. I convinced you with promises of paying for petrol and to treat you with dinner anywhere you liked in exchange. Even though you were the one with the full-time job. I couldn't understand why you couldn't just help me because i needed you to! How could you be so cold? You had already had your first episode of mania and I had helped you - I was the only one who turned up for you, called the police when you vanished into the forest, with no money, late at night. Forfeitted an exam to stay with the police to track you down, to make sure I got you back safely. Even the policeman took one look at us after you returned and said to you 'you have a sister here who loves you VERY much'.
And he was right. I did, I still do. But I don't love your actions that are seeped in selfishness and callousness that have hurt me deeply.

You had more manic episodes over the years. And again and again, no-one else but me wanted anything to do with you. During my medical school finals, I was in and out of your mental ward, instead of revising. I failed out of so much stress. A whole academic year wasted. You acted like it was no big deal.
Can you imagine if the tables were turned? You called me 'too much, too negative, too depressing' countless times...so how did you view this? How could you act like it was no big deal, make zero acknowledgments of how stressful and how much resources I gave to you? Because you are entitled.
Even before I cut you off, finally, when I cried on the phone and cried every night and begged for you to listen to me about my nightmares and flashbacks of the abuse. You told me you loved and cared about my abusers (our siblings) and defiantly told me: what happened between you and them is between you guys, its not my problem. You wanted nothing to do with it. You were back in hospital...with another manic attack, after our family, including the SAME SIBLINGS didn't want to look after you and I had cut you off. You'd been picked up off the streets, this time with drugs and pregnant, apparently. I didn't know because I had decided to take time away from you, for my own sanity, and to focus on my resit year.
I became furious and asked you how can you say that, how could you not see I needed your support. I told you it was akin to me saying 'its between you and your bipolar when you get manic attacks, not my problem'. You went quiet when I said that. As usual when challenged and you couldn't wriggle your way out of it, or find yet another way to blame me. You then said: anyway, look at you....if leaving the family helps so much why are you STILL in therapy and why haven't you healed?'
The sheer audacity left me speechless. Says the sister who is STILL in touch with the family and is STILL having manic attacks that they do not help with and is now in her 3rd inpatient stay being involuntarily sectioned. If staying with the family IS the solution, then why haven't you healed and why are you still being sectioned? And this time even worse, pregnant by someone you barely knew, and with drugs!
You asked that question irritably because you want to live life on your dysfunctional terms, and for everybody else who is willing - me in the past - to pick up the pieces. In order for me to do that, I have to be willing and available. How DARE I STILL be needing therapy and STILL be 'bleating on about abuse' and how dare I not magically be healed enough so it can ALL GO BACK to just being about you?
Yes, the audacity of me. The audacity of my nervous system to be fried after years and years of multi-modality abuse. How dare I be affected. How dare I even think to have needs. How dare I not have been perfect and never need assistance - despite the multitude of abuse?

I realised its because you have narcissistic traits just like our mum. Just like our other family members. You don't have the empathy.
That last heart-break was the final heart-break I was willing to take from you, sister.
For many years, I believed you that I was depressing, negative, awful, irritating to be around when I had needs. These were most likely the projections you had about yourself because of mum and your ex.
Well, you can take them back. You wanted to pass it on to me and I rejected it.
And guess what? You were wrong. I am none of these things. I have friends who tell me otherwise and show me otherwise consistently. I have patients who thank me and show me how much my caring nature means to them consistently. I had colleague feedback that makes me feel illuminiated after you blew out my candle.
Having needs does not make me depressing, it makes me human.
Needing reciprocal support doesn't make me negative, it makes me human.
Caring for others is not a demand and expectation, its something i now choose more wisely to invest in, so I don't end up heartbroken in the way you broke my heart.
I can sometimes be strong and help others AND can also need strength and support shown to me in turn.
I deserve that and am worth it and you are too, but there is far too much you throw out that gets in the way between your needs and having them met. Obstacles  - dangerous ones that threaten to hurt and damage the people who try to navigate them.
And its exactly that that makes you even less entitled to getting those things. Because nothing justifies hurting others in the psychological terrorising ways that you hurt me.

hey, holidayay,  i hear and feel your frustration, especially about the idea of us being expected to 'take care of' ourselves when we've never been shown how that even looks!  i've told my t several times, already, how good it feels to have someone looking out for me, taking care of me.  i didn't even realize how badly i've been craving that in my life.  my d also looks out for me, and i just bust out crying sometimes when she says or does something kind to me. 

i wish i could help you more.  all i can do is send a virtual hug filled with love and caring. :bighug:

Thank you sanmagic. Your understanding and compassion in your replies and virtual hugs mean so much and help so much  :)
It really does feel so lovely to be looked after. This ranges from things like being listened to, being understood, someone offering me a ride home from work, my colleague telling me he wants to bake a cake for my birthday...its all so new and nice and h-e-al-i-n-g.
I've had a better day, have been able to relax and symptoms subsided. Spent the past few days writing furiously and going on walks, even when I felt like utter rubbish and my head was crammed. I have to say, the light exercise and bright weather helped a lot. The writing helps with the emotional purging. And spoke for hours on the phone to my (very patient) friend.
Even slept better yesterday.
About to get ready to go to work now, for a night shift. I took an extra shift for extra money - I had this moment in work where at first I was being haunted by the memories of my pre-med school years, having no money, being so depressed and not knowing i had PTSD - dragging myself off to work at a very physically demanding job that didn't pay amazingly; the memories would make me remember how scared and angry i felt that i just couldn't go home to rest and recover from feeling so utterly depressed when the thought hit me: 'you did all that to look after your inner child. To keep her away from the dangerous situations, and to save up so you - and she - would be a bit more financially secure and that would be one less thing for you - and her - to stress about.' It comforted me SO much and made my fear and anger melt away. That got me thinking about doing an extra shift now when I feel up to it: this is another way in which I am looking after me, after little holidayay - securing our financial position so as to be able to afford the therapy when we need it, and stability, to not have the pounding chest and nervousness over how much things cost and what I can and cannot afford when it comes to basic essentials and deposits and rents and bills.....and this thought makes me feel warm and looked after.
Like I really am -reparenting myself. To feel that I am deserving of warmth, stability, safety, accessibility to help and security and a worry-free life...and not have to settle for living in cheaper, troubled areas again there is more likely to be triggering factors such as young kids shouting obscenities and stones at strangers, or thefts in the areas, or loud neighbours congregating/playing their stereo system loud in the car parked outside my room that it startles me and i cannot sleep but its more dangerous to ask them to quieten down please.

No, I deserve the peace and tranquility of an environment that is more appropriate for healing. And today, at least for now, I am feeling I deserve this and more hopeful than the past few weeks that I am working towards it, that it's within my sights in the future, and that it really will, all be okay in the end.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 05, 2020, 04:07:18 AM
hey, holidayay,  i hear and feel your frustration, especially about the idea of us being expected to 'take care of' ourselves when we've never been shown how that even looks!  i've told my t several times, already, how good it feels to have someone looking out for me, taking care of me.  i didn't even realize how badly i've been craving that in my life.  my d also looks out for me, and i just bust out crying sometimes when she says or does something kind to me. 

i wish i could help you more.  all i can do is send a virtual hug filled with love and caring. :bighug:

i hope you can continue to feel you deserve a healing environment, care and kindness.  i know these things can go up and down, but hopefully they'll start getting to be more consistent.  i don't doubt that as you keep working toward that, it'll happen.  wishing you all the best!  love and hugs, my dear.   :hug:

Sanmagic - they definitely do go up and down, I've realised this is the nature of the beast with this one. Accepting it helps, as opposed to getting stuck into it when the ups happen then feeling in shock and disappointed and swept off my feet when the downs happen again.

I've had disturbed sleep since doing my extra night shift. My sleep is already all over the place - but I've noticed any disturbance at all makes the dreams more vivid, detailed, convoluted, full of emotions.
Yesterday's was about my brother. My brothers were always involved in petty crime - speeding, driving without a licence, hitting someone or another...and as a result, they constantly were dodging police. They hated them, and their anti-law enforcement rhetoric at home made me convinced I should hate them too. They were out 'to get' my brothers and were so unfair and always getting involved in other people's business because they 'are pigs' and 'love to take advantage'. I felt a misplaced sense of loyalty and protection towards my 'poor brothers' who 'just wanted to have fun and live their life' but were constantly being harassed by police. Not realising things like having a licence, insurance papers etc actually served a purpose. Funnily enough, my family left out teaching me about such things that were grievances to them.

In my dream, a big burly policeman had come to the house AGAIN and my brother was scared and frightened and we were trying to hide him. I thought I had a job to be 'adult' and 'authoritative' to help him - i faced the officer and repeated things i'd heard on tv, asking for a warrant to enter, wanting to see his ID. Then rushed up to tell my brother to jump from the window into the river.
Real life wasn't exactly like that but not far off. I was constantly terrified and anxious everytime the police rang. It was one more thing that shrouded me in shame and felt like it set me apart even more from 'normal' kids. And my brothers and larger family would commend me for being this mini-accomplice - a positive feedback system that in my little mind, made me think that this is what i needed to be in order to be seen and receive love and recognition.
This spunky, sharp-witted, mini-lawyer, to protect them and cover for their crimes.

Never did they once think that this was NOT THE JOB OF A CHILD. Nor did they ever stop to consider the terrifying and anxious effects it had on me. No, I was either invisible or beneficial, those were my options.
I still to this day, sometimes struggle to believe I can just turn up, with no particularly significant purpose for others...I still feel like people are ridiculing me if they are just being ordinary, talking about everyday things and actually listening to me....like its a joke and they're all gonna pop out and say 'fooled you!' at the end of it. Its so bizarre and unnerving.

When I was 12/13, suddenly the family was abuzz with excitement. All I heard about was 'The Credit Card'. My sister and brothers and their friends had somehow got hold of 'The Credit Card' which somehow had no endless limit to it. The finer details were of course kept quiet, vague, ignored. The days of endless shopping started. Every time my sister went to pay, though I didn't know fully what was going on, i sensed something was wrong about it all and felt queasy and sick with anxiety.
She asked me if I wanted my hair done. I had never been to a salon before, i was so excited! I said yes of course i did. She told me her fiance had mentioned to her that i was a pretty girl. I was unsure how to take this - was this creepy, or was he just being nice? After I came out of the salon, she came with him to 'show' my new hair. They were both nice and friendly but something about it made me feel so uneasy.
Usually we weren't 'allowed' to talk to him. She was very jealous and our family were weirdly conservative and religious - talking to men was seen as a very big deal.
It took me a long time to get over being nervous and afraid and feeling like I was doing something 'wrong' simply by talking to the opposite sex. It felt like being sexualised far too young; as though the mere acknowledgement of the opposite sex heralded the dawn of promiscuity, or that guys would think of me as brazen or immediately label me as 'wanting them' simply by talking to them.

How utterly ridiculous. For many years, I believed I was 'honourable' by 'staying clean' and keeping a distance from guys and not even having them as friends. When all along, barely any guy even thought like this! Not the ones around me anyway. To realise I could talk to a guy and not have it mean anything explicit, 'out there' was a huge step at first.

It's hitting me hard and harrowingly so.
It has pierced through all the denial, the various different narratives I told myself over the years. The different ways in which I blamed myself - and others who weren't to blame - about the consistent terror, fear, anxiety and unhappiness that I always lived with.
I literally grew up in a home surrounded by bullies. Everyday was being humiliated, berated, belittled, raged at, shamed. It was so tiring trying to find the pattern to it to make sure I avoided it that my mind has become a maze of unfinished puzzles full of why, how, what, why, why, why? And how could this have happened, and for so long?

I remembered how normal it was for me to feel at blame. I remembered earlier when I hit my head on the shallow end of the pool as a child, feeling the hard concrete slab bang against my skull, and my first thought overridng the pain was how embarrassing and stupid I was and how everyone will think I'm dumb and clumsy and boisterous and I'll make everyone feel awkward and annoyed and enraged as I quickly tried to get the hot tears away. I had a strong belief that no-one will know what to do with me if I was in need or in pain and I'll just ruin everything for them and they will humiliate me - because that's exactly what my mum did. Every. Single. Time.

Its so unfair. I just can't believe a child lived their life like this and adults around them never noticed or cared and actively encouraged this silent shame and invisibility. It hurts so much. I could never be a child: it was like my mum expected me to be a fully grown, fully equipped, brain fully matured and resourceful and skilled and apt at everything and anything from the day I came out, ready to FINALLY take care of her unmet needs. It SICKENS me.
I hate narcissists; I truly loathe everything about this disorder, its absolutely repulsive and ruins lives and causes endless destruction and annihilates souls and for what? Just so the narcissistic person can grow old, their delusions maintained with them?
It disgusts me. I see no purpose to it whatsoever and the fact that it just seems to get worse over the years - why should we let these people roam free? WHY! And to allow them to breed for the child to take on the full force of secretive SOUL DESTROYING abuse is horrifying - people get shocked as ADULTS when narcissists treat them narcissistically - so how on earth is it that society seems to consider it no big deal that these people can breed and their children be subject to their awful abuse?

I'm so sad my childhood was snatched away from me, over and over and over again.
By a jealous, angry, bitter mother who wanted full control and manipulation over me. By a mother who hated seeing a child have joy and fun in their life.
I hate that I can't even look at bodies of water the same - she ruined every day trip we took on a hot summer's day to the river with the other families. I look at rivers, and the foam and the bubbles and the murkiness of the plants and mud and the small dark fish and it all comes back....the full force of the depression, anxiety, guilt...as I wanted so badly to go swimming and paddling with the other children but always felt the ever-present threat of my mum's unpredictable wrath, threatening to embarass and ostracise us from our family friends...people were getting sick of her and me, by proxy. I felt like I had to justify the trips to my mum and work overtime to create an atmosphere and a reasoning that could make her happy and keep her pleased enough to want to stay taking us to these day trips...all the while she would viciously bat away my desperate attempts and declare it was heathen or evil or what sinful girls did to want to have fun(!!). SO MUCH PRESSURE and in the end, it would always end up ruined anyway and i began to believe those days out weren't for people like me, like my family and i stopped knwing how to enjoy them, how to enjoy socialisng.....

I live near a river now and it is so beautiful but it breaks my heart that i am still living in that state where i dont know how to enjoy it and instead, it just brings back awful memories associated with shame and guilt for wanting to enjoy it, against my mother's rants and desires to keep up locked up, basking in the same misery that ruled her own life.

HOW DARE SHE. If she wants to be miserable, locked up, then go ahead! There were other parents who wanted to take us and not have us miss out - you could just stay behind mum, if you want to, and not make absolute sure that we would end up living your misery too. But NO, of course NOT, you couldn't let that happen, could you? You wanted us to 100% feel the misery of your misery...and even that wasn't enough! You locked us up yet hated us and would just rage at us and treat us with such contempt and venom.
What even did you want, mum?
WHAT would have made you happy? Nothing. Nothing good or kind. Just bullying, raging, us being your emotional punching bags for your unmet delusions of grandeur, wanting to be exalted and constantly praised and raging when this did not happen.
I hate you for the monster of a personality you did not work hard enough to not let ruin our lives and take away my ability to enjoy my own hobbies and interests. Everything has a dark tinge, a dark association, a flavour of trauma to it that knocks my breath away and renders me hopeless and confused.  :fallingbricks:

Holidayay, I read what you wrote. And it's valid. I wanted to also vent out some of my anger, as you were talking about water and swimming.
I feel like traveling is ruined for me. Although I still have many years in front, I feel like the massive trauma that I endured every time we went somewhere will just make it impossible for me to enjoy any type of visiting. 3 years ago I went to a city by myself, to "visit" first time someplace all alone, no family members. I did. But I didn't enjoy it. It was as if all those remarks and arguments were right there, following me around for the day.
We have gone to so many places every year, from islands to countries, and I've hated every time. I can't enjoy a nice piece of greenery, because I get a flashback. I can't enjoy climbing or seeing a small waterfall, because I'm in a flashback. But I hope one day I unlearn those things that I heard, and can stay in the sun without feeling guilty or ashamed.

I hope it's ok for me to share this. Sending you a hug :hug: , and I'm right there with your anger (if that makes sense).

Hi Holidayay,

I hear you. I just wanted to say I hear what the child version of you experienced.  Your emotions and pain were valid then, and now.

Whilst my experience was a little different,  yours resonates with me.

Your post was passionate and well worded, and it sounds like you're working through your trauma.

I wanted to send support and, if needed, hugs x

hey  :wave:

thanks for sharing all that pain.  i'm glad for you that you're being able to put at least some of the blame where it belongs, because that crapola doesn't belong with you.  the shame is on the bullies for taking away so many precious things from you, like enjoyment of beautiful things.  i'm hoping for you that as you continue on this healing path, some of that will be able to be returned to you.  it might have been taken away for part of your life, but not necessarily all of it.

keep going, my dear.  keep healing.  i think you're doing really well.  that was righteous anger you expressed, and i'm glad to see you get it out of you.  sending love and a hug filled with more clarity. :hug:

I read every word and I'm sorry you went through so much. No child should have to be the scapegoat for a parent, and bear the mystery that you did. May you find a way to shrug off this mantle that was placed on you.

Thank you each and every one of you who replied. Your replies mean so, so much to me right now.

I've had a bit of a brutal time of it recently, and struggling to articulate, so forgive me for not yet being able to reply as I'd want to. I'm having a session of a new, long-term therapy with a trauma psychologist in an hour, so just gearing up for that but just wanted to stop by and say a heartfelt thanks for your lovely replies.
I will check in soon to say more. Love to everyone out there battling the fight  :grouphug:

hope you have a productive session with your new t, and you find some relief, holidayay.  thinking of you, as i'm having a session this morning as well.  love and hugs :hug:

Toxic shame is my alarm clock these days.
I feel so awful.
I can't find it within myself to have any compassion for myself.

I feel like such a loser. A weirdo. Someone who is lacking in so many different skills.
I look back at my life and realise most of it was lived in a state of feeling like everyone is automatically more 'normal' than me, superior to me and more deserving. Most friendships I had, I felt like I was in a fawn state of mind. Always giving. Why are all these old stories hitting me now?
I don't know who I am. At all.

Don't know what to do with myself.

I'm going to the hospital.
I cannot take much more of this. Things never get better. They find a new and novel way of getting much, much worse.
I'm kidding myself thinking this beast can be slain.

Morning Holidayay

I so know what you mean about toxic shame, although for me it wakes me up around 2am, and I doze back off at 4am.  It's an awful couple of hours! I do get it through the day when I'm triggered but the early hours are the worst.

I find it's linked with perfectionism and self esteem/inner critic issues too. 

I become frightened because of some that I've done wrong. Worrying unleases my inner critic, who beats my self-esteem showing me that I'm far from perfect. And bang - toxic shame!!

I think if I can break that chain, then I'd stop the toxic shame. I'm able to manage it occasionally, in small doses.  But when it's one thing after another then it's impossible

:fallingbricks:

Try to be gentle one yourself and as kind as possible.  And hold in there until this lifts

:hug:

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on May 16, 2020, 10:03:07 AM
Morning Holidayay

I so know what you mean about toxic shame, although for me it wakes me up around 2am, and I doze back off at 4am.  It's an awful couple of hours! I do get it through the day when I'm triggered but the early hours are the worst.

I find it's linked with perfectionism and self esteem/inner critic issues too. 

I become frightened because of some that I've done wrong. Worrying unleases my inner critic, who beats my self-esteem showing me that I'm far from perfect. And bang - toxic shame!!

I think if I can break that chain, then I'd stop the toxic shame. I'm able to manage it occasionally, in small doses.  But when it's one thing after another then it's impossible

:fallingbricks:

Try to be gentle one yourself and as kind as possible.  And hold in there until this lifts

:hug:

Yes. All of that.....I'm finding that the stuff i shame myself for has now seeped into my sleep and dreams, where its like I am unleashed from toxic shame/harsh inner critic and just react. But these dreams are just too much - always full of family members, the horrible old dynamics coming up and being represented by awful themes which I won't get into right. Its just relentless now.
Every. Single. Dream.
Every time I go to sleep, its feels like I've entered the arena like in that movie Gladiator. I wake up massively adrenalised and even more exhausted.
Is this a deeper layer to it all?

I felt like I was covering quite a lot of groundwork and every time I cover one area, another uncovers it! I am so very, very tired  :stars:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

I had a very sad and vivid dream about my brother.
My brother who was always demanding, but so dismissive. He used to make me feel like any words I utter are of complete irrelevance and ridicule. He used to look away, ignore or talk over me if I said anything.
He acted like he had needs that were somehow...way beyond and way more valid and deserving in their own right.

In my dream, I asked him how he was...I sensed  he was so sad and confused...as sad and confused as I was at the way mum made me feel, and he just ignored me at first and then charged on ahead to look for other sources of ...giving.

Its weird how i can't see him as any other individual who has to take responsibility and accountability and has normal needs and wants like everybody else....no, he is somehow exalted and uniquely suffering and some kind of massive Greek tragedy that he is the biggest victim on the planet.

Struggling with more memories, more realisations.

Keep remembering my mother's voice/rants in my childhood.
Chants of wishing for one of us kids to die, especially the 'girls'. Screaming out prayers to God to kill one of us, asking of him 'why can't you do something like make one of them get run over by a bus'.
I heard this over and over and over again growing up.
It's only just fully hitting me how abnormal and damaging and insane that actually is. For a mother to be wishing for this about her own children, in front of them.

Its making me feel angry, enraged, furious and I have a huge urge to confront her and ask her why the * she thought that was normal and that even though she fools other people into thinking she's a good mother and she always denies/overlooks her damaging, toxic abuse - I HAVEN'T forgotten and she IS and WAS a terrible mother and her delusions of grandeur are all based on fiction.
The energy of being this angry, shocked, disheartened and feeling helpless all at the same time is exhausting me and taking up so much of my brain space, mental energy and leaving me lethargic and exhausted. It feels pointless to be bothered by this when there is nothing I can physically do about it - i can't confront her (its pointless, and we are not in contact and even if we were, she would just deny and go into a red hot rage), i can't travel back in time and fix it, and i can never get a new mother.

I'm just dying for some justice, some acknowledgement, some resolving. A sorry. A 'I was terrible to you'. Of course that will never come.

I can't believe how much i went through as a childhood now my outlook is getting healthier in terms of what I believe I deserve in terms of treatment - what i thought was normal was so beyond that, its insane. I had no choice but to accept it as my normal and minimise it somehow.

Boy, do I ever empathize with this! My experience in childhood was the same, only not from my mom but my f and sibling.

An apology would be nice, but as you say you're unlikely to get one. Working with reparenting myself has been helpful; I first heard about reparenting myself from the book "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" by Stephen Farmer. It's an older book but a good one.

Best wishes!
:heythere:

hey, holidayay,

yeah, we've probably all grown up with something outside 'normal', and personally, i don't know what normal is.  i do know that, for me, normal does not contain abuse from anyone, in any way, shape, or form.  the insanity you describe is just that.  i can't even tell you how many years of my life i've spent being in insane situations, all the while trying to make them sane somehow.

no, it doesn't happen.  i think the best we can do is take care of ourselves as best we can, keep healing, and continue chipping away at the madness we've known so we can reach our own sense of 'normal' for ourselves.  love and hugs :hug:

I'm so spooked out.

Just woke up from a nap where I had awful emotional dreams....my sister who betrayed me, wanting nothing to do with me when I was sad or upset and walking right on past me..and then when she was sad and upset by the same things, she came to me for helps and support and I did, I gave her what I wanted when I had been sad....and then as soon as she felt better, she went right back again and the cycle started up again, I would scream and yell at her how could she be so heartless when I had just supported her at her hour of end and would promise myself next time she was down, I would also ignore her, as evidently, she didn't care about anyone but herself.

It was so raw and so real....I realised its triggered by some of the dynamics at work with a few girls being quite similar; girls who want support and being listened to but aren't there in return. It feels far too familiar.

In 2 months, we will all be rotating and frankly, i can't wait to start afresh. I won't have to see them at work again, they've been placed at hospitals far away. Its just so hard to think of what to do to heal from this and not keep ending up in these similar, familiar dynamics over and over again...its like the lure of the familiar is too damn enticing and I don't realise the dangers until its too late.
That's such a scary thought....that I can't even trust my brand of 'familiar' because it means it is toxic. It scares me to even think this.

I'm so tired.
Being tired/stressed or any other 'negative' emotion seems to be a trigger. Its so hard to look after myself when these negative feelings come on because I am transported straight into the past: unheard, un loved, unwanted and constantly feeling like a humiliation and a failure.

I'm realising today just how much sheer stress i lived with as a child. Constantly thinking, worrying, trying to figure things out, trying to understand, trying to solve adult things for adults and trying to figure out the patterns to avoid getting humiliated/shamed/yelled at.
It was exhausting. I used to sleep for so long; deep, uncomfortable sleeps marred with heavy dreams and adrenalised states. All the while just thinking it was life, it was how things were and no-one ever bothered to ever check up on me.
I didn't trust anybody. I didn't feel safe with anybody. I was constantly on edge, testing them, watching them, seeing what would happen next.

I just can't believe the extent of it all. Waking up properly to just how big it all was, after being forced to normalise it in order to survive, is crippling me.
I used to worry about my eldest brothers and sisters. What they would do next, which would disturb the community and make people ostracise us even more. I worried about when my mum would next have her rages and fearfully dreaded the times she would do it to friends and their parents who again, would not want to associate with us even more.
She was so cold and cruel at home. I grew to get used to the dreaded feeling of anxiety and sickness in my tummy around her. I especially dreaded asking her for anything.
She'd either rage at being 'burdened' or somehow spin it to make whatever i said a reflection of how difficult her life was/is and how hard she has had it and then the guilt comes on...

It all makes me so sick and angry now. I WISH I could face her now, as an adult, and respond to her appropriately. Very easy to be a full-on narcissist, mask off, around young children, isn't it? Did it make you feel all good and powerful, at the expense of ruining my childhood, and blasting my nervous system to shreds?
Are you happy and proud with yourself?
How dare you. The audacity of 'mothers' like you.
My anger is making me vengeful. I wish bad things would happen to you, to hurt you enough to somehow make you realise what you have done. But that is pointless; you just use bad events happening as ammunition to further your narcissistic, victimisation chirade.
But you never are truly happy. And that is your karma.
But what is karma when I am sat in bed, paralysed with anxiety? Thoughts racing through my head as I torture myself about all the things I have recently said and done and wanted and needed - a very specific way of self-torture that resembles the structure of anxiety you conditioned me into, according to your needs and wants?
Its like you still own my mind. You still have the ability to induce panic and anxiety and surges of adrenaline so high, that my dreams are insanely vivid. The other day I dreamt of diving from a building so high, the water was barely visible; the adrenaline an cortisol had been building heavily that day at work and it seemed to spill over into my sleep. it was terrifying.

I would love it if just one day, I could go without questioning and tearing into myself. My inner critic was fortified so heavily by you, mother, it seems like compassion can't ever get a look in. If I try, it is too exhausting and that then triggers it all again.
I guess I just need to sit here and feel bad for a while. Not push it away; that takes even more energy.
I wish my life didn't revolve around simply trying to maintain my nervous state to a baseline level. Its no way to live. And yet, the reality I ignored myself for so long is this what i have been doing since I was a little child. None of it was normal.
None of it was ok, or minimal, as I used to pretend to try to survive.
It was horrific.
It was constant stress 24/7.
It was exhausting and debilitating and I was very unhappy.
And trying to undo all of this ......
I don't have the words yet.

 :hug:

I'm moving into my own place next week.
Finally got everything sorted. Its a beautiful small little flat in the city centre, near to the river and close to my favourite shops.
I'm so relieved to be leaving my shared house. My housemates are very difficult to communicate with; one is perpetually negative, sarcastic and judgemental and the other is very territorial, wants his own way all the time and difficult to talk to. I'm done with the portion of my life that includes houseshares. Now I'm in my thirties, I think I've paid my dues.
It made me realise how much I have had to live my life in ways I have not wanted to in the 13 years since I left home. Money was always an issue, so I either had to put up with cheap houseshares with very questionable housemates/landlords, or I was working hard to scrape together deposits for better houseshares. Wanting to choose my area and housemates was always a luxury I didn't have; it was survival mode all. the. time. Thankfully, that's not an issue anymore. Money really does help to give us freedom. Or at least, buy our way out of circumstances we DON'T want to be in.

My sleep is still an issue. I seem to be caught in a lot of REM sleep, with very intense dreams, very emotional and adrenalised. It feels like waking up after being on 20 steep rollercoasters. But, I'm still trying. I have been going on daily walks and yesterday, even started the huge effort of packing up my things. I managed to get all my bedroom done. I'll hopefully be finished today with my kitchen and bathroom stuff.
My good friend is travelling from another city to help me, and to stay for a few days. I definitely need that, I feel like I have been isolated for a very long time, now and its not comforting like when I need time alone. It feels depressing and lonely. So, I'm really glad I have him.

The police got in touch about my siblings' abuse. They have booked one of them in for an interview this coming saturday. They updated me saying she wasn't at all happy and stated she has evidence its a false allegation. I was curious to see what her reaction would be, if she would take responsibility. I'd been advised that typically, abusers band together and get people to back them up, to deny everything. I wasn't sure she'd do that, as i had raised it in the family many times and it had always resulted in arguments, but never denial. Always the usual:
'Don't you ever forget? why do you hold onto the past? I was young, I was stupid'. Mum and other siblings had always supported her but again, never denied it. I guess now her freedom is at stake, she won't go down without a fight.
My counsellor said to me that she thinks ever since my brother committed suicide, I developed a terrible fear of people hurting themselves if I didn't protect them. Said that that stayed with me and caused me to run around like crazy, always supporting and helping my other siblings whilst they only had their own interests at heart.
It was a huge realisation. My sister doesn't care that she hurt me, at all, just that her life and her way of getting what she wants is not disturbed.
Same with my other sisters, who have never bothered to support me in the way I have helped them. By listening, being there, caring for me. Its like we were all just trying our best to survive, and doing what we needed to, to get by. Except our version of that looked different. I thought unity and supporting one another was most helpful. They more lived by the philosophy of them being the centre of the universe, with their needs being most important.
Now I am aware of these patterns, I don't want anything to do with it. A girl from my high school reached out on facebook, said she needed help as she has an abusive ex who is trying to take away her kids. I was amazed at how quickly this felt familiar, and how tempting it was to get involved. But I stopped and thought about it after our conversation ended. She had started with 'i honestly hope you don't think im just getting in touch because i need help...i've been thinking about you and hoping you are ok' before diving right in, and saying she needs a doctor's note to get legal aid.
She had clearly thought of the first person in her friend's list who was a doctor who could provide her with a note. Only, it doesn't work that way. I am not allowed to just hand out notes like that. It has to be a GP who the person is registered with. Moreover, I am a junior doctor - I am not a GP.
I remembered when she'd got with her bf. I was there. We had arranged a reunion and gone out for a few drinks, and then back to a houseparty where there was lots of drugs. It was chaotic and dirty, I didn't want any part of it. She had then asked me to visit her friend's house, who she was mad over, but he had a gf at the time. I said OK as I had travelled from another city for the reunion, and couldn't just go home. After I crashed, I heard them having sex. I remember thinking neither of them have much thought or consideration at all for the fact he already has a partner. Her whole life was chaotic. He had then go on to do to her what he had done to his previous partner. Cheated and left for a better option - a very rich woman who could fund his court case to take the kids.
She is just like my family, it clicked.
Irresponsibe, chaotic, doesn't want to take any accountability, and always wants others to help and rescue her from her own bad decisions.

And I used to be the person who these types of people would go running to.
People like my family are present everywhere. It is not just my family I need to stay away from.
One positive thing is how even though it feels familiar to meet them, it no longer excites me or makes me feel like I've 'met friends'. It feels draining and tiring and off-putting. I'm breaking those chains, its really working! I blocked her a few days later. I cannot move on to better dynamics, healthier people, if these people are still there, popping up and taking me back to dysfunctional dynamics.

The scary part is, not knowing what to move on to. If I'm not getting into very deep, chaotic situations very quickly after meeting someone....how do I form friendships? What do I talk about? What is my personality when other people's time-consuming draining issues are peeled back?
I have a few ideas but not sure yet. And it makes me very anxious and scared. Like I should be working overtime to still please people, to make their life easier, to help them...but having no interest in doing so.
I'm breaking out, by breaking in.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 27, 2020, 10:36:43 PM
hey, holidayay,

yeah, we've probably all grown up with something outside 'normal', and personally, i don't know what normal is.  i do know that, for me, normal does not contain abuse from anyone, in any way, shape, or form.  the insanity you describe is just that.  i can't even tell you how many years of my life i've spent being in insane situations, all the while trying to make them sane somehow.

no, it doesn't happen.  i think the best we can do is take care of ourselves as best we can, keep healing, and continue chipping away at the madness we've known so we can reach our own sense of 'normal' for ourselves.  love and hugs :hug:

I can SO relate. I don't feel like I quite know what normal actually is, in practice. I can understand it cognitively, but playing it out seems foreign, weird, different.
And boy, the amount of insane situations...trying to make them sane...yep!

Congratulations on your new place! I hope the move goes smoothly.

As I was reading your first entry today, I found it striking how much progress you've made. It sounds like real growth. I'm impressed. :applause:

Quote from: Snowdrop on June 17, 2020, 01:24:58 PM
Congratulations on your new place! I hope the move goes smoothly.

As I was reading your first entry today, I found it striking how much progress you've made. It sounds like real growth. I'm impressed. :applause:

Thank you! I guess a lot has changed, I'm still terrified and full of anxiety at moving but...I figured face the fear and do it anyway. Better to be temporarily anxious than continuing to live in a miserable house to avoid temporary anxiety......
One thing I've really noticed, the SLIGHTEST stressor triggers off all the old nervous system heightened emotions, shame, guilt, fear, self-loathing......present problems become obscured with all the old unresolved stuff. A new problem can't just be a problem with its respective emotional reaction, proportionate to what is going on. It makes it SO HARD to think straight and deal with it appropriately....arghhhh.

You have a lot of significant insights. Good job taking a step in breaking patterns by realizing the dynamics and not jumping in to help facebook friend.

Glad you are getting a new place.

Thanks notalone  :)

I'm all moved in now! So much has happened, I'm still processing it all.
One thing's for sure - getting my own small, cosy place was absolutely the right thing to do. I'm excited to go home everyday and excited for my days off instead of dreading both those things...

I got some unpleasant updates from the police investigation. My 2 siblings denied all the accusations. My younger sister lied and corroborated what they said and told them 'its all malicious lies'. She then attempted to try to get in touch with me, I furiously put a quick stop to that. She then tried via my friends and they didn't fall for it and she turned manipulative and said 'well i have some news from an organisation that would be good for HER so more fool her if she doesn't want to hear what i have to say'. Which is obvious lies, as I hadn't heard from her for months after we parted ways and she messages on the exact day the police contact the family. She is used to emotionally guilt-tripping me into taking all blame so my instincts were immediately that she thought she could do that again. Roll out the 'people will kill themselves because of you', 'you will break up families'.
Yes, because everything that everyone ever does to me, to others, to themselves that somehow means a bad consequence for THEM is my fault.

I used to believe this. I even used to believe everything bad that ever happened around me - even to strangers - is somehow my fault.
There's still that agonizing constant adrenaline and anxiety pumping through me, anticipating what next is my fault.
I'm getting more shocked everytime i realise such things.
I literally lived my entire life adrenalised, constantly anticipating horror, doom and gloom that I would then automatically torture myself and shame and blame myself over. Horrifying doesn't even begin to cover it.

But...there have been good things too.
My friend travelled from another city to help me move last week. He was there when the police contacted me - and he and 2 other friends immediately jumped in to provide statements about what i had confided in them about regarding the case.
I had a bbq with 2 friends who are so kind, gentle and generous.
I've been getting increased pay due to extra shifts i did that were very generous amounts.
My new flat is already a place of safety and beauty.
I've been managing to go to work and even had fun shifts where I bonded with a new team and a nurse took my number - we shared our experiences of mental health and got along really well. A new friend :)
I cried a lot. That sounds bad but it was actually really good. There were 2 days where all the excess noise was stripped away - all the self-blaming, the inability to allow myself just to grieve, the constant inner critic talking like my mother/siblings did - you are too sensitive, you are too this, its your fault etc etc that always gets in the way of just BEING, just FEELING, any given moment. That all went and i felt the raw, deep sadness and grief. I cried bucketloads - it was incredibly soothing. And I was able to feel compassion and empathy for myself instead of shaming myself for it.
And ongoing sessions with a counsellor who is really amazing.

I still feel like the road is very rocky but at least, as my counsellor said, it now feels like I am at the end of the tunnel as a little light...its small but its there...and it will travel and continue and get bigger.
Don't know where exactly to go from here or what the next stages of healing/recovery are but...that's okay. Maybe sometimes pieces need to come to US. And taking it day by day doesn't sound to bad right about now.

I'm glad you have a place where you feel safe. That is important.   :applause: Your list of "good things."

I'm very happy for you holidayay  :hug:. You have made immense progress and you deserve all the happiness. I'm sorry about your siblings and their behaviors, but I'm glad you found comfort in your friends and a new friend. :)

Meeting new people and trying to make friends - realising my difficulties over the years.

This is doing my absolute head in and the thoughts, examples and realisations keep bombarding me when all I want to do is REST on my weekend off.

Immediately feeling like any awkwardness/silences/annoying or negative behaviour from someone else is absolutely MY fault and that I should do more to make things more entertaining/lighter/easier for others. I literally feel like a piece of garbage in these situations and that others are absolutely seeing that in me too. My core self-beliefs are just hideous.
I feel like anyone who looks at me sees a useless, reckless, boring, idle, weird loser who they quite rightly want to get away from as quickly as possible and I'm being audacious just by trying to ignore this and sticking around.
This hurts so much.
I'm really, really struggling with this this weekend and realising how many times over the years I ruined things for myself by believing in and listening to this above and acting on it - withdrawing, hiding or shutting down parts of myself, minimising myself, criticising myself to shreds, tearing myself apart.
I just don't feel like I am entitled to anything. At all. Least of all good, healthy friendships and relationships.

Who am I kidding???
I have been wired up to hate myself. I don't even have a sense of self or sense of importance in myself at all. I can barely recognise my own needs.
My time I should have been spending growing up was instead spent learning about and adjusting to the whims, needs and temper outbursts of others around me - my mother, brothers and sisters. I know how to do all that VERY well instead.
This makes me so angry. My years of development, growing and stages of life were completely all taken away and instead replaced with a learning growth about the pathetic whims of psychologically disturbed, delusional, grandiose abusers. What a waste. And now I am spending more time to unlearn all this?
I want to scream and yell at the injustice of it all and how angry it makes me feel - HOW. DARE. THEY.

Everything in life...I first see through the eyes of the abusers...to see how it will make them feel, think and act. So then I can prepare myself for how I should feel, think and act accordingly - to the ways which will mean the least amount of humiliation, shaming and terrifying for me. There is no 'I' or 'me' who see the worlds through my own eyes, my own sense of being. I don't feel entitled to that - I don't even know HOW to do that.
This realisation terrifies me.
What if its too late, I'm too far gone, there is nothing of 'me' to salvage for I never really got the chance to exist, come into existence? I feel like I've built the shell sturdily but there's absolutely nothing inside. I'm really scared.

holidayay, if i may say so, i don't believe for a minute that there's nothing inside you.  the reason for that is the self-reflection you've shown, the actions you've taken, your ability to relate to others' situations, your empathy, and your willingness to continue sharing in order to find answers, among other things.  these attributes of yours come from a place of heart and soul, of guts and determination.  that's not an empty place at all.

you've just made a big move, and congrats on that.  please, give yourself time to settle in.  i know that patience with ourselves, especially when we've made a transition, can be difficult to come by, but i hope you can treat yourself well for all the work you've been doing.  you deserve to be treated well.

sending a hug filled with love and support.  and, by the by, just cuz someone else blamed you for their actions doesn't mean they were speaking the truth.  their feelings, actions, reactions are not your fault, not in the least.   :hug:

Oh my goodness, thank you for this. It was the insight I didn't realise I needed to hear. It means so much  :hug: and really helps to lighten the load.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 05, 2020, 08:01:35 PM
holidayay, if i may say so, i don't believe for a minute that there's nothing inside you.  the reason for that is the self-reflection you've shown, the actions you've taken, your ability to relate to others' situations, your empathy, and your willingness to continue sharing in order to find answers, among other things.  these attributes of yours come from a place of heart and soul, of guts and determination.  that's not an empty place at all.

you've just made a big move, and congrats on that.  please, give yourself time to settle in.  i know that patience with ourselves, especially when we've made a transition, can be difficult to come by, but i hope you can treat yourself well for all the work you've been doing.  you deserve to be treated well.

sending a hug filled with love and support.  and, by the by, just cuz someone else blamed you for their actions doesn't mean they were speaking the truth.  their feelings, actions, reactions are not your fault, not in the least.   :hug:

I've been shopping today. Instead of the usual 'should I buy this? can I really afford/justify it? Let me hang on and see if I can find anything cheaper...' - I just bought a few items I really want and have wanted for a while. I deserve it, I told myself.
It has been a VERY heavy 2 weeks.
Moving in, getting police updates and all the emotions that come with those updates, then working a 6 day week - during which I dealt with the family of a terminally ill patient who ended up dying far quicker than expected.
I am e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
So retail therapy was my solution today. Out with the old, in the with the new. I got a designer bag and purse....after years of buying cheap tat/second-hand, it felt really good.

It keeps hitting me though - these brief flashes of 'oh my god, did I actually report my own siblings, specifically my brother, who my mum has always treated as a victim, and has infantilised him. I just picture his sad face. The police detailing out to him his sick actions. Something nobody has ever really done - and something I never, ever felt like I could do with him - even with daily minor transgressions. I have some kind of weird stockholm syndrome when it comes to him. He is this very vulnerable, misguided, immature guy in my head, who is easily wounded, has very low self-esteem, and tries to constantly cover up for all that. He has been mistreated as much as the rest of us by my mum.
i wonder what happened - it makes my heart pound and I feel all panicky - did the police knock on the door and knock him for six with the allegations? Did he feel the terror and dread and depression and anxiety when they turned up - the kind I have so often felt and wouldn't wish on my worst enemy? Did he feel shame and humiliation? Did he argue, fight back, cause a scene? Was my mum in hysterics, going beserk? I have no idea....
And what about my sister? Did they lay out all the lewd details of everything I told them - she absolutey HATES being made to feel less than, and like she is somehow a sordid, villianous person - I can imagine she would have felt extreme shame that she can't handle than resorts to anger, outright denial and twisting of stories to smear the name of the accuser so instead, everyone thinks of them as the villain. Did I cause her to feel a huge amount of shame - this time, harder to worm out of, because the police are an authority that she can't just squirm her way out from.

But...she did those things. As did my brother. Them. Not me. Nor anyone else. Them and as horrible as I feel for how it must feel for them to be taken into police custody, interrogated, shamed and probably to feel fear, shame and god knows what else....what about me? I have felt all those things since my earliest memory. I have to remind myself of me.
I just can't believe I did it. I burst through the fake facade and narrative of 'great, normal loving siblings and family dynamics' which we all pretended we had, and lived by for so long that it became a reality. Does he feel betrayed? Did I blindside him by agreeing passively for so many years to go by the fake narrative - never challenging it so he felt like it was safe, that it was all just a mistake and in the past - and then suddenly out of nowhere, hitting him up with this? He did at times help me in his adult life...gave me lifts, money, support....and I accepted it and thanked him....how does this fit with the uglier narrative of the police investigation? Does he feel sad, betrayed?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I just wish it had never come to this.
But I couldn't keep up that lie anymore. It impacted me greatly, what he did. To ask and plead with me - as often other family members did - to forget and brush it under the carpet - was driving me over the edge. The endless shame, nightmares, humiliation, fear I suffered was never taken into account by him. I cannot just dismiss this.
But it doesn't take away from the fact that I still care about his feelings. Its so confusing.
I don't even know what will ever happen if I ever dare to get in touch with any of the family. Will they hate me forever? Do they sit and wonder why I came out with all this now, and think its just because I want to ruin their lives?

you know, i've gone thru a similar situation myself - not w/ the police, but bursting out of the facade i kept up for my ex and what he's done.  i've shared w/ some friends who know him, and i can relate to some of the emotions you're going thru.  the bottom line is that it feels good to speak my truth.  like you, i've held it in for many, many years, absorbing the toxicity that goes with doing that.  i congratulate you, my dear, for speaking out, pulling back the curtain, and exposing  your abusers for what they are.  :thumbup:

as far as their feelings go, who knows what's going on with that?  only they do.  many abusers certainly don't like having someone call them out on what they've done, but the courage and strength you showed is amazing.  abusers count on their victims to remain passive in order to perpetrate the lie.

please, give yourself time for this to settle, ok?  i don't doubt it'll take a while.  you ripped the band-aid off these wounds, and they'll need time to heal.  but, by doing so, they will no longer fester and infect you.  bringing them to light helps the healing process along.

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with support and caring :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 06, 2020, 10:51:48 PM
you know, i've gone thru a similar situation myself - not w/ the police, but bursting out of the facade i kept up for my ex and what he's done.  i've shared w/ some friends who know him, and i can relate to some of the emotions you're going thru.  the bottom line is that it feels good to speak my truth.  like you, i've held it in for many, many years, absorbing the toxicity that goes with doing that.  i congratulate you, my dear, for speaking out, pulling back the curtain, and exposing  your abusers for what they are.  :thumbup:

as far as their feelings go, who knows what's going on with that?  only they do.  many abusers certainly don't like having someone call them out on what they've done, but the courage and strength you showed is amazing.  abusers count on their victims to remain passive in order to perpetrate the lie.

please, give yourself time for this to settle, ok?  i don't doubt it'll take a while.  you ripped the band-aid off these wounds, and they'll need time to heal.  but, by doing so, they will no longer fester and infect you.  bringing them to light helps the healing process along.

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with support and caring :hug:

Thank you! Your intricate understanding of it all is so invaluable.

Interesting update....I have found a forum board on which my younger sister has posted all about me - obviously anonymous - but the details are intricately ours. I am so surprised - in a good way - at what she wrote. Have no idea what to do - there's evidence there about the abuse which the police would want to know - and she shows a very different side to her than the one she is actively taking which is to deny any awareness and to stay out of the investigation. She's caring and asking for advice on what to do as she is 'heartbroken' that her 'sister cut her out of her life'.
I don't understand why she doesn't show this side to me and instead constantly allows herself to be a flying monkey for the abusers...what should i do, if anything? I'm currently NC with this younger sister...I thought I could make a anon profile and post back to her to get some answers as a pretend bystander...hmmm. Thoughts, anyone?

I have a couple of questions.

Does reading what she's posted change your feelings about being NC with her in any way?

Also, would responding as a different persona make you feel as though you were being drawn back into family matters?

Whatever you decide, I support you. It's a tricky one. :hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on July 10, 2020, 09:29:55 AM
I have a couple of questions.

Does reading what she's posted change your feelings about being NC with her in any way?

Also, would responding as a different persona make you feel as though you were being drawn back into family matters?

Whatever you decide, I support you. It's a tricky one. :hug:

It really does change my feelings about being NC with her. I've been severely affected and astonished by her lack of empathy, care and understanding she has shown since she moved back home 2 years ago - before that, we were very close and she displayed empathy and compassion towards me. Reading her speak freely, anonymously, without the family made me realise how she has perhaps fallen into the 'flying monkey' role. She is saying that she is heartbroken to have lost me, doesn't know what to do, and that she is torn because she has tried for years to support me but now she's living with our family and eldest sister - my eldest sister who did the abuse is always hysterical and upset and tells her lots of reasons why SHE'S a victim and needs support and is very emotional in front of the kids that she feels the only way to help her is to pass on messages to me. Those messages are the ones that hurt me and caused me to cut her out.

On the other hand, I absolutely do not want anything to do with the other family members or getting sucked back in.
I basically want my younger sister how it was before - without the influence of my abusers. I don't think I should have to negotiate on that considering the trauma. But obviously that's not something I can decide for my younger sister and this is where it gets complicated.

off the top of my head, i'd be careful.  i certainly understand you wanting to reconnect w/ someone with whom you were close, and there's nothing wrong with that.  my concern comes from the idea that she's again living in the midst of the very people who have hurt you, and she's hurt you by her involvement with them and towards you.

how do you feel about becoming a different, anonymous, person in order to gather information from her?  had she any idea that you're involved in forums such as these?  was this a pure coincidence that you happened to find this post?

just some questions i'd ask myself.  i think giving it some time is a good idea.  see how it settles w/ you, if it would enhance your life to go ahead with your proposal.  i've been in a situation where i wanted to write my ex,   my t suggested i sit w/ it for a bit, and i'm glad i did.  i think that by writing to him would bring up more worries in my own life - did i say it correctly, explain enough, should i have said more? less?  so far, and i've been thinking about this for nearly 2 weeks, that answer is coming out to leave it be. 

whatever you decide, tho, i support you.  you'll know what's best for you in the end.  i believe these types of things are very tricky and there is no simple answer.  love and hugs :hug:

I wouldn't go on there in the guise of another person. The reason being that if you do, and she finds out somehow that it was you, it will be a betrayal of trust for her. I also think it would only further complicate your situation, even if she didn't realize it was you. You will then have a "secret" to hold on to if at any point you do reconnect with her.

It sounds to me that if her post is genuine, and it changes things for you, there might be room to try and bridge the gap with her, but in such a way that is safe for you. I am thinking mediation with a therapist who has expertise in couples/relationships/family therapy. That way you can start a conversation that is safe for the both of you, which gives the most chance of both feeling heard by the other. Feeling heard helps work towards repairing and problem solving the issues in the relationship.

I would definitely go slow on this and take your time with it, so you can make well thought out decisions. Your safety is the priority throughout all of this.

Thank you for your thoughts, guys. There's a lot of useful stuff in there, and which I will mull over.

I ended up calling her from unknown withheld number. I probably maybe should have waited, as suggested above, but I had been feeling particularly upset and missing her desperately before I'd found her posts, which just bought everything to the surface.

It started off a bit awkward. There was the back and forth of misunderstanding, again. But then I firmly put down my rules on being spoken over, not listened to properly, defensiveness etc and she listened. And I listened in turn. She suggested family therapy with a mediator. Which given current COVID may be a good time, as we can do things remotely via video call.
I let out everything from my side. She listened and explained things from her side. Told me where she was at with the family. Then we spoke over everyday stuff. Just generally catching up.
I said to her I didn't know where to go from here yet, as trust for me takes time to rebuild.

One thing that was very evident though, was just how true advice that had been given to me back when I started establishing boundaries and putting my foot down - that I had to not back down, not step down in order for her to GO THROUGH learning curves, understand there's consequences for her actions/behaviour, and to give her the chance to experience hardship without giving in to her tantrums and entitlement by always backing down and being the saviour. She had to have boundaries installed and given the chance to experience everything i always wanted to shield her from so she could grow up and begin to understand. She told me how the past 2 years at home had been an eye opener - how she had to be the one to take charge of our other sister's manic episodes and that our brother had developed schizophrenia in that time and she had to get him sectioned. She even said herself at the end 'i've been thinking how this is something i've had to go through, to see it all and understand it for myself'.

There were still some elements of the old dysfunction, however. When asked direct questions about her behaviour that was hurtful, she attempted to deflect/try the old 'what about you...' and dish out my shortcomings. I stopped her each time and said 'this is exactly what i mean by the narcissistic traits you use and i will not stand for it'. She listened and said 'it hurt when you call me a narcissist' and i said to her 'because you have in the past used gaslighting, pretending and denying truths, deflecting, constantly turning the argument on me every time i raise something up with you and yes i do think these are narcissistic tendencies that i think you can work on'.

All in all, it confirmed what I had thought. That once any of us gets caught up in the family dysfunction, the enmeshment and recruiting of 'flying monkeys' and triangulation causes even the more reasonable members of the family to turn on one another and become dysfunctional. And that she does have emotional immaturity that whether she has made real progress or not - whether what she said today was just for show (i can't really ever know) - its not my job to deal with that.

So I think going forward, I am going to suggest to my therapist the idea of family therapy. I will see what happens.
The whole thing today also taught me about me. I don't have much emotional maturity when it comes to dealing with new things myself - I become extremely panicky, adrenaline pumping, feel the need for it to be resolved and approached as soon as possible instead of being able to sit with and process things and let things stew. Not act out of urgency and a feeling of loss of control. I've realised how things DON'T escalate when I'm not around the wrong people - that when new things happen, the rest of my life outside of that one thing happening remains the same and I am not in sudden jeopardy. That the new things happening can unravel and unfold slowly and they don't require urgent solutions for fear of things getting MUCH worse, or my nervous state becoming hugely overwhelmed with responsibility put on by others. Things for me to work on, I guess.

You are brilliant. :applause:

Quote from: owl25 on July 10, 2020, 02:35:35 PM
I wouldn't go on there in the guise of another person. The reason being that if you do, and she finds out somehow that it was you, it will be a betrayal of trust for her. I also think it would only further complicate your situation, even if she didn't realize it was you. You will then have a "secret" to hold on to if at any point you do reconnect with her.

I agree with what Owl said, although since you phoned her, maybe it isn't an option anymore.

Quote from: holidayay on July 10, 2020, 05:17:13 PM
She suggested family therapy with a mediator. Which given current COVID may be a good time, as we can do things remotely via video call.
I let out everything from my side. She listened and explained things from her side. Told me where she was at with the family.




There were still some elements of the old dysfunction, however.

That your sister is willing to participate in therapy and the conversation you had with her sounds very encouraging and positive to me.
As far as "old dysfunction" that is not a surprise since you both have more healing to do to break out of such a dysfunctional upbringing.

Thanks for replies guys, I'm really struggling to think about the events with my sister at the moment as my mind is suddenly obsessed and freaking out over friendships and loneliness. I'll reply properly to the other messages when my head is a bit more clear. Why can't my brain just be worrying about one thing at a time? Its like I can't even do anxiety/depression right or properly, as though I'm even defective at being defective.
I'm really struggling today.

My inner critic has gone wild. I keep having thoughts that my problems of misery and loneliness are circular because my mental health issues are preventing me from getting close to people - and being isolated and not allowed to socialise freely as a child meant I am socially developmentally arrested and don't have long-term childhood close friends or a friendship group from school I've kept in touch with over the years who are close-knit and have seen each other through many things and know each other intimately....and therefore its probably too late for me. I am 31 and really struggle to have self-worth...when im socialising around new people, I'm constantly worrying if they are enjoying themselves with me, or if they think I am weird, and what i should be doing/saying to entertain them/make them feel at ease. I feel like an outsider looking in. And the thought truly terrifies me that its too late for me. What if it is?
I don't know how to do friendships without getting overwhelmed/poor boundaries. I always feel scared they will leave me if i truly ask for things...even just to meet up - will they think i am desperate, weird, clingy? Will they just want to run away?
I don't know.
My mind won't stop racing about all things friendship-related, its so confusing.

I'm just really scared. In all honesty, I feel like the 4 year old girl, who has already developed a firmly-held belief that I am unloveable, unworthy, boring, ugly, annoying and worthless....and have been put into a class with other kids, and I'm sitting next to them worrying about what I should be saying or doing to make them like me...and years later, here I am again. Why is this happening??

Is it possible it could be linked to talking with your sister? It may have stirred things up for you emotionally. Maybe it's taken you back to being the 4 year old girl?

I hope you can be gentle with yourself. It sounds as though you have a lot going on. :hug:

holidayay - your post resonates with me today.  I am having similar feelings and flashbacks and questions.

I appreciate you sharing - your post felt very familiar and it helps me to hear others articulate their journey because it makes me feel less alone. 

Quote from: Snowdrop on July 12, 2020, 06:38:16 PM
Is it possible it could be linked to talking with your sister? It may have stirred things up for you emotionally. Maybe it's taken you back to being the 4 year old girl?

I hope you can be gentle with yourself. It sounds as though you have a lot going on. :hug:

I think that definitely added to it, though I was descending before that too. I don't really believe in it but all this talk of mercury retrograde making us feeling out of sorts...the timeline is more in line with that. A desperate part of me hopes it is true, as supposedly it ends today haha. Fantasy thinking got me wishing I'll wake up tomorrow and the vibes are suddenly different, better

Quote from: rainydiary on July 12, 2020, 07:49:54 PM
holidayay - your post resonates with me today.  I am having similar feelings and flashbacks and questions.

I appreciate you sharing - your post felt very familiar and it helps me to hear others articulate their journey because it makes me feel less alone.

I'm glad they help you and sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar. Your reply helps me too, to feel less alone  :grouphug:

I have a friend who is going to call me soon so hopefully that might help lighten the load a little.

I'm sorry you're suffering, holidayay. :hug: I totally relate, too

A bit better today, hope everyone else who related yesterday is, too? Love to you all  :grouphug:

The time finally came to pick up my kitten. I've been thinking about (and have been advised many times that pets can help!) getting one for over a year. I took it as a sign when I found one born on my birthday. I brought her home yesterday.

She is the cutest little fluffball, and so calm (playful when she wants to be!). Yesterday after initially staying under the bed for a few hours, she came to join me and slept on my pillow next to my head. I already feel so much happier this morning (usually mornings are the worst, I tend to lie in bed ruminating), I knew I had to get up and sort out her little bits. She's giving me so much joy running around the living room then popping back when she wants a little cuddle.

Thought I'd share a little bit of good news.

pets can make all the difference!  so glad for you that you got that kitten.  my d has a fluffy cat, has had her over 10 yrs. and just loves her to bits, is never happier than when she sleeps w/ my d at naptime.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 15, 2020, 10:02:38 AM
pets can make all the difference!  so glad for you that you got that kitten.  my d has a fluffy cat, has had her over 10 yrs. and just loves her to bits, is never happier than when she sleeps w/ my d at naptime.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Aww that's lovely! Thank you sanmagic  :hug:

Quote from: holidayay on July 15, 2020, 09:52:15 AM
The time finally came to pick up my kitten. I've been thinking about (and have been advised many times that pets can help!) getting one for over a year. I took it as a sign when I found one born on my birthday. I brought her home yesterday.

She is the cutest little fluffball, and so calm (playful when she wants to be!). Yesterday after initially staying under the bed for a few hours, she came to join me and slept on my pillow next to my head. I already feel so much happier this morning (usually mornings are the worst, I tend to lie in bed ruminating), I knew I had to get up and sort out her little bits. She's giving me so much joy running around the living room then popping back when she wants a little cuddle.

Its me holidayay. I can't get onto my original account for some reason. Have tried resetting password, not working for some reason. I just felt this need to journal, type everything out, for my head seems like its bursting at the seams with thoughts and feelings and memories.

Anyway...it's been over a year since I last wrote here. A lot has happened since. I thought of this website today when I woke up feeling pretty rough and transported back to my childhood helplessness. I hadn't slept well yesterday, which always seems to trigger this more than usual.

I feel pretty scared, to be honest. I feel like I am a bad person for feeling scared, helpless and burdening others by not being perfect. I remembered my mum when 'friends' (or rather, children of people SHE knew who I didn't necessarily choose as friends) would come over, and i felt the responsibility left on my shoulders to entertain them, keep them occupied, happy, calm, fed. One particular girl, a few years younger than me, let's call her Rhonda, was clearly troubled. Her behaviour was out of control, she had extreme tantrums and public displays of hysteria. She was loud, chaotic and agitated. My heart would sink when I knew she was coming over, she had been in and out of our lives from when I was around 6. Then from 11-15ish, she made more of an appearance. Her whole family was troubled. Her brothers were friends with my brothers, who behaved like the local hudlums, the kinda teenagers who would run amok and cause trouble on the streets and be rude/crass to girls and demeaning to elderly people. Her mum was a big gossip who seemed to thrive on negativity. My mum would talk badly about her yet indulge her when she was bored.

As usual, I felt responsible for the smooth running of EVERYTHING when Rhonda came over. To keep her quiet, maintained, happy, entertained and not cause problems for my mum - God forbid, otherwise she would scream like a banshee and call me names and take out all of her anger on me. My mum doesn't want any part in looking after anybody, ever. Children are not important to her, at all. Her favourite thing to say whilst smirking is 'i won't listen to someone who was just 'born yesterday', you know nothing'. I still feel myself curling up with shame inside when i think of those words being spat in her native language towards me, everytime i summoned up the courage to voice anything. It put me back in my spot of pathetic little nobody, sharpish. How dare I get out of that spot?

Rhonda was extremely difficult to keep happy. Whether she would pick fights over who is sitting where whilst watching a movie, or pulling random tantrums out of the blue, or just arguing for the sake of it. It took a lot. Sometimes my plans worked to keep her content, other times they didn't. When she would really agitate me, i would speak up and ask for her family to collect her. One time i did that, and her brother came to pick her up, and by the time he had arrived, she had calmed down and we were having a fairly nice time. She pleaded with him to stay and promised she had calmed down since the earlier episode. I saw him drag her into his car and scream at her 'THEY DON'T WANT YOU HERE' and yelling at her to get inside. She started crying hysterically and pleaded with him that she had calmed down, that things were okay now and she WAS behaving herself and please could she just stay and he could ask us about her behaviour.
I watched all this from the window, my heart pounding, feeling so sad about the scene unfolding in front of me. She HAD calmed down, she HAD behaved better later on in the evening and why was there always a need in mine and her family to push us around like this, to treat us with such harshness and cruelty? I felt guilty that I had complained 'too soon' and requested for her family to pick her up when she had started misbehaving. Had I caused this, was poor Rhonda now crying hysterically and feeling awful because of me?

When I think of this today, when it first popped into my head, I get angry at the lack of calm adult intervention and responsibility. Where were the adults in all of this, the mothers, the parental figures? Rhonda was clearly troubled and why was it left on me to deal with her, and just because I was quiet, I very much felt troubled too! But no, my mum was far too self-absorbed to even take the slightest interest and concern, and her mum wasn't that much better for it either.

Moments like those made me feel the weight of the world was on my shoulders - to find answers, to resolve, fix, maintain, manage, keep under control...everything. So my mum wouldn't lash out at me. So I could get just a bit of a break from the relentless pressure of waiting for the next big explosion. If I kept everything running smoothly, then there was less likely to see distressing, chaotic scenes like Rhonda's. And yet when i didn't manage it, it felt like my fault because nobody else was concerned at all.

I feel as pressured and as helpless now as I did back then. I'm really frightened and overwhelmed today.
I'm going to attempt to get my hot water bottle filled and to sit in bed with it, and my cat (who is now 15 months old and so loving and attentive!). I hope this feeling may pass today, but I shall try not to put pressure on me - my inner child - to overcome everything as quickly as a possible. Its okay to sit with it, comfort myself, and feel it. It will pass.

Can I offer a hug?

:hug:

Aw my heart is breaking for little you having to manage all this alone. The guilt and shame and too much responsibility. Needing to be perfect so everything will be ok. This is very familiar territory for me. I felt nearly exactly the same growing up but you described it so well.

I've also sat in horrible feeling flashbacks around that feeling now as an adult like you describe feeling today.
I don't always recognize it as a flashback. But when I do, it's easier.

You don't need to be perfect anymore. You don't need to solve everything. Yoi get to be you, now. It might not feel like it but it's true.

Hey Stilltrying, welcome back to OOTS. So sorry things aren't good for you.  I don't know if you remember but not being perfect is a healthy thing here, it lets us be more human, more ourselves instead of someone trained to take responsibility and ignore our needs and wants. You don't have to take responsibility or care for anyone except yourself here.  Snuggle up with that furry bundle of warmth and joy and let it subside.   

When you are up to it, if you want to move back into your other account I can help with that.  No rush on my end.

Kizzie

Quote from: Kizzie on August 17, 2021, 04:09:31 PM
Hey Stilltrying, welcome back to OOTS. So sorry things aren't good for you.  I don't know if you remember but not being perfect is a healthy thing here, it lets us be more human, more ourselves instead of someone trained to take responsibility and ignore our needs and wants. You don't have to take responsibility or care for anyone except yourself here.  Snuggle up with that furry bundle of warmth and joy and let it subside.   

When you are up to it, if you want to move back into your other account I can help with that.  No rush on my end.

Kizzie

Thank you both for your kind responses. I needed some kindness today  :)  And to be reminded I don't need to be perfect, I'm still safe, okay, acceptable.
I'd like to move back to my other account, yes please Kizzie, but maybe tomorrow as I'm pretty drained from today's feelings. Gonna get ready for bed and hopefully have a good night's sleep :)

I had quite a great break from it all this morning. One of those lovely moments where you feel still, calm, safe. It lasted a little bit and I was able to get a few things done. Like clean my bedroom, send off a work-related email, get some grocery shopping in, and order some plants  ;D I've wanted to order some for a while..my mindshift started changing and I realised I have to commit myself to taking care of me and my inner child first and foremost...and do for her what I so willingly used to do for others. I decided to clean my room and make it cosy because well, a little girl who has been through so much trauma deserves that, at the very least. And a few plants dotted around the place has been shown to reduce stress levels and she deserves this too. No-one cared about her stress levels for so long, when they were constantly heightened and she always felt like death was looming.

I also ordered a warm coloured rug for the flat I share with my friend. I finished my 2-year training at work where I was sent to a city I didn't necessarily choose and didn't know anybody at all...(for those who read any of this journal from the beginning!) - I ended up making a few friends there, in that city I had to abruptly move to in 2019. And I would definitely go back and visit - its a nice countryside place that's sweet for a little weekend visit. I've moved to a much bigger city now, with my close friend of 7 years who is kind, sweet and patient and knows about my past. He never pushes me.  I felt like I wanted to push through my fears and make this dream of mine a reality, even though I was VERY nervous because for me, change causes such a stirring and uprising of all the trauma-stuff until I settled in a bit.

The few few days here were horrific. The sudden change was a massive shock. My nightmares and anxiety shot through the roof. I was expecting it and remembered my therapist's words, that it is normal all kinds of emotions will resurface with change. Though I have 'finished' my session with him, we scheduled in a follow-up session for 6 weeks later - this will be september 7. I'm so glad we did that now, as though things are beginning to settle a little, little me needs the extra support to be honest. And she deserves it.

I've decided to take the first few weeks/months off from work whilst I adjust. Luckily I am now in a place to do that, with a totally flexible contract. One things I massively struggled with in the past 2 years is balancing trauma-work + healing with full-time employment. Its so hard to allow myself to get into my emotions, and allow them to be there, to talk about them, live there, allow my inner child to come out...and then abruptly have to stuff it all back inside at 6am the next morning. Did anyone else find trying to balance the two very dizzying, confusing, disorientating and agitating to their inner child to finally be allowed to come out...only to be effectively shut down the next day? I think all that contributed to what i feel now which is: emotional exhaustion. I'm foggy headed, not sleeping great, unable to connect with others, scared of other people, tired a lot, have random bouts of crying, an there's an underlying fear and anxiety that seems to be residing in the pit of my stomach.

I think my inner child wants me to stop forcing things and let her - and me - be. Stop trying to be there for others, stop trying to pretend everything is fine, stop trying to be a superwoman at work - and just try to relax. And not go on social media and compare myself to others either, which always leaves me feeling awful. Especially in the summer months when it seems like there is SO much to do, and everybody is out doing things and FOMO  feels very real.

Nah. I'm staying in and just started watching Downton Abbey. The cat is sleeping next to me on the rocking chair. Can actually switch off.

Some days, it feels like my heart physically aches. Like its a heavy load in my chest.

I somehow got to remembering my school days. Never pleasant...even less so when you have a dysfunctional family with emotionally unavailable parents/care givers.
It made me squirm with embarrassment to remember my high school experience.

There's this distinct feeling of: nothing that i am going through in my day at school matters to anyone, ever, at all, and even showing up i felt embarrassed. Like I should be invisible and apologetic for showing up, taking up space, having others see me. What a horrifying self-image.
I remember the metal gates in front of the queue outside where we all had to line up to be let into the canteen. The weather was always gloomy and the metal gates were depressing. I'd dissociate often. My mum always made a big deal out of food and feeding us at home so I felt embarrassed at...wanting/needing to eat. Like everyone else there - the teachers, the canteen ladies, my friends...would think its a tall order that i be fed. My mum often screeched and yelled at how us being hungry, in her mind, amounted to being awfully greedy and needy - as though it was a big ask of her. The things she likened us, as hungry children, to were awful. Like we were disgusting to her.
I hated asking for what I wanted from the canteen ladies. Like they would be thinking the same of me as my mum did. I hated even reaching out for food, eating, being hungry at all. Like its not acceptable for me to have human needs like that.

So I'd get depressed and dissociate.
My friends would be chatting to other people in the queue and i would feel terrified at my lack of presence - i had no idea how to be and say in those moments. My chatty friend was good at covering it up, bless him. He never seemed to notice, and he certainly never pointed it out. He just chatted and joked to the blonde girl in front of us whilst i felt ashamed and like i had no idea what to say. How can you be 'you' when 'you' in that moment of time is thinking about how you are a greedy beast for being hungry? So I just kept quiet and stared and wished the time away. I'd eat comfort food to feel better than I'd feel sick.

No-one cared what my school day was like. My mum didn't want to hear any of it. Never asked. My eldest siblings just talked about themselves - bragging about how 'tough' they were, the fights they'd been involved in, the cheek they'd showed to the teachers. I'd get into the car and feel sick. I didn't even know how to talk to my own siblings. I felt like they would only notice me if i impressed them, humoured them, or listened willingly to their stories which often didn't actually impress me but made me feel queasy as they were always based on hurting other people/getting one over on others. Laughing at another's expense. Stealing from others. It was sickening.
But if i didn't, they'd space out and not even respond to me, not even acknowledge my presence.

There was no caring parent to ask 'how was your day?'. I'm shocked at how I genuinely believed nothing about my day to day life in school meant NOTHING. I'd study and see my friends and get good grades and believed all of it was inconsequential, boring things that amounted to nothing because no-one else could benefit from it.
That's my mum's reflection back to me on my life in those days: you can't benefit me so none of your everyday life is of any interest to me.
It hurts so much to realise that not only she felt that, but in turn, I was convinced by it too.

The pathway out of the school was an empty walk where the trees and gravel and bushes slowly became devoid of life as i walked further away from the lightness of my friends and being involved, to...the nothingness of what it felt to be who i 'really' was. The roads, the fields, the grass, the tennis courts, the houses, the bus stops...all the way home morphed into representing that eerie nothingness that i'd have to go back into once i got home.

I'm realising more and more recently what it means to grieve. And today, I'm grieving for the losses of my childhood and school days. How normal, safe things were distorted. How my everyday reality at school - no different to the other kids - was snatched away as a felt experience and forced into an existential dustbin. I mourn the vitality and happiness and excitement and also the negative feelings - the exhaustion of working hard, the sadness of being rejected by a boy i liked, the feeling of being left out when i wasn't involved with the popular crowd....the huge variety of NORMAL feelings and experiences that children get from school which weren't supposed to be pushed down, discarded, dismissed, not even ACKNOWLEDGED, but are supposed to be a lived experience, ones which are guided and helped and supported and celebrated by loving family members.
Yes, my heart aches for those experiences and the negative, distorted belief systems that I got out of them due to the lack of love and care from my family.

I - and i'm sure many others on this website - deserved much better. Much love to us all who never received that 'much better' - when that 'much better' meant simply the norm and baseline and bare minimum for other kids. How cruel and unfair it was on us.

Reflections

I saw a video/pictures of a beautiful happy bride today, being given away by her Dad and her family around her.
It struck me how immediately scared I felt - how was she okay with looking so beautiful, have her father give her away with smiles on their faces, their whole family celebrating around them? Celebrating her?
Why did I think this?? I realised my mum and older siblings growing up hated if someone else shone. If someone was beautiful, or had a nice figure, or something that gave them attention.
I'm so used to playing small to avoid feeling scared of making someone experience jealousy so then they will attack or humiliate me.
I'm used to preferring to be plain, ugly, not courting any attention, 'nothing to see here!' vibe because its been trained into me that its not fair on mum or eldest sister to not have the same opportunities, or attention, or happiness.

I'm scared of happiness and vitality and celebrating ME, I immediately associate it with 'putting others out' and somehoe immediately making others feel small by having any kind of victories/successes and that's somehow an unfair burden on them and its not nice for them and i feel terribly guilty.

This is such an uncomfortable realisation, urgh. My tummy feels quesy as it dawns on me, and the queasiness begins too spread out around my body as I think about it more.

I feel guilty to feel or look pretty, i feel guilty to achieve, or succeed, or to find anyone who loves me, or to wear a lovely white dress and feel like a beautiful bride. I can just imagine my mum and siblings like the mum from the movie 'Tangled' seething an unable to tolerate how seeing that would make them feel so intolerably awful and like they've missed out and its so unfair on them....

Oh my god. Is this stockholm syndrome? Logically, this is ludicrous and yet emotionally...i feel loyal to the feelings of my abusers and people who treat others in general absolutely horrifically. yikes.

That's a really painful realization. I spent my whole life trying to protect others' (mom's) feelings too so it's interesting to ponder your question about Stockholm.

Quote from: Armee on September 16, 2021, 04:35:46 AM
That's a really painful realization. I spent my whole life trying to protect others' (mom's) feelings too so it's interesting to ponder your question about Stockholm.

Yeah, its very uncomfortable to think about at first. But then I guess, only natural under the circumstances? Perhaps, maybe. 

I've been focusing on healing. Practising being kind to myself, interrupting the inner critic.
It can be really hard at times, and other times, I can see it pay off! Very up and down.
I've had some really good progress lately. Then...as they always say - 'healing isn't linear' - another fork in the road appears. Lately its been these emotions in my dreams...the images in the dreams aren't so much the problem anymore thankfully, but the emotions that come up.......there's one particular feeling which i think may have been one of my earliest traumatic feelings i couldn't cope with - and that is of: complete, horrifying abandonment that injects with a sense of absolute terror and emptiness. Its awful. I wake up completely in that moment.
I don't even really have the word for it. Its so hard to describe. I think its the worst feelings I had as a child, which I never wanted to feel again so i started to dissociate/people please to make sure they didn't leave me. I'd wrack my brain continuously, furiously, to think of what to say, do, give, BE to make sure people liked me and wanted to be around me.
And now i'm experiencing this feeling in my sleep...is it any wonder we develop these coping mechanisms to avoid from feeling that way.
If its so unbearable to deal with now as an adult....i can only imagine how much worse it is for a little helpless child.
:spooked:

Hey stilltrying,

very glad you are writing more in your journal. This is my take away for today:

QuoteI'd wrack my brain continuously, furiously, to think of what to say, do, give, BE to make sure people liked me and wanted to be around me.

I've read that finding a place of dual recognition and the will to change is the ticket, but still out of reach.

Hi Stilltrying,

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this dip in your path to healing. You are right, it's not a linear path. It's filled with detours and cul-de-sacs that we find ourselves having to visit from time to time before we can move forward again. I guess it took decades to get us this twisted up, so it's going to take some time to untwist our emotions too.

What you're describing sounds like the fear of annihilation, which is something I wrestle with from time to time as well. I've seen the word pop up on a few other posts on this site also. Apparently, it is something you can find a lot of empathy for on this forum.

If you do a quick google search on "fear of annihilation" resources pop up to tell us that it's all about Trauma. It has to do with our diminished sense of self worth, which was given to us by unskilled parents, authority figures and unkind peers a long time ago.

The good news is that you are not actually going to be annihilated, even though you feel like it. This is trauma. Pure and simple. Trauma. Your fear of annihilation is a normal reaction to the monster that is trauma. We're all fighting this monster with you. That's why I'm so grateful you brought it up in today's forum posts. So we can share in the fear with you, and maybe all of us can find some comfort with each other as we each tell our own perspectives on this same fear.

Here's my own personal perspective: The word annihilation describes it so well because I think it's the strongest word available for how I feel at times. For me, it feels like it's my job to somehow stay connected to the earth itself, without any love or help from my protectors, and if I ever fail, even for a second, the earth's gravity is going to let go of me, and I'm going to shoot off into outer space, and all my trillions of molecules are going to release their connection to each other and I'm going to scatter out into the universe and cease to exist at the cellular level. For me, I suspect it has to do with feeling ignored by my parents when I was an infant.

For me it comes with a sense of sheer panic. My therapist doesn't seem surprised that it happens to me, like it might be a common attribute in other C-PTSD survivors. He is quickly able to calm me down if it happens during a session.

Hang in there, my friend. You are not going to be annihilated. This feeling is TRAUMA, pure and simple, and you've got lots of google articles, and you've also got friends here who are happy to explore this fear feeling with you.  You are not alone. It may feel like it, but here, you are not alone.

hey, stilltrying/holidayay, it's so good to have you back!

so very sorry about what you've been going thru in the past year.  one thing you said about being a burden to others if you have success, look and feel pretty, etc. struck me.  to me, it seems that holding back all those natural things about yourself for the sake of others could be an even bigger burden for yourself. 

i'm glad to hear you're getting back into a self-healing mode.  with you all the way with that.  sending love and a hug filled with caring comfort. :hug:

Quote from: Papa Coco on September 29, 2021, 02:05:47 PM
Hi Stilltrying,

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this dip in your path to healing. You are right, it's not a linear path. It's filled with detours and cul-de-sacs that we find ourselves having to visit from time to time before we can move forward again. I guess it took decades to get us this twisted up, so it's going to take some time to untwist our emotions too.

What you're describing sounds like the fear of annihilation, which is something I wrestle with from time to time as well. I've seen the word pop up on a few other posts on this site also. Apparently, it is something you can find a lot of empathy for on this forum.

If you do a quick google search on "fear of annihilation" resources pop up to tell us that it's all about Trauma. It has to do with our diminished sense of self worth, which was given to us by unskilled parents, authority figures and unkind peers a long time ago.

The good news is that you are not actually going to be annihilated, even though you feel like it. This is trauma. Pure and simple. Trauma. Your fear of annihilation is a normal reaction to the monster that is trauma. We're all fighting this monster with you. That's why I'm so grateful you brought it up in today's forum posts. So we can share in the fear with you, and maybe all of us can find some comfort with each other as we each tell our own perspectives on this same fear.

Here's my own personal perspective: The word annihilation describes it so well because I think it's the strongest word available for how I feel at times. For me, it feels like it's my job to somehow stay connected to the earth itself, without any love or help from my protectors, and if I ever fail, even for a second, the earth's gravity is going to let go of me, and I'm going to shoot off into outer space, and all my trillions of molecules are going to release their connection to each other and I'm going to scatter out into the universe and cease to exist at the cellular level. For me, I suspect it has to do with feeling ignored by my parents when I was an infant.

For me it comes with a sense of sheer panic. My therapist doesn't seem surprised that it happens to me, like it might be a common attribute in other C-PTSD survivors. He is quickly able to calm me down if it happens during a session.

Hang in there, my friend. You are not going to be annihilated. This feeling is TRAUMA, pure and simple, and you've got lots of google articles, and you've also got friends here who are happy to explore this fear feeling with you.  You are not alone. It may feel like it, but here, you are not alone.

Wow. Reading this was astonishing, THANK YOU.
I'd not come back on this website since posting until today and read this tonight and felt so touched by this message, so incredibly comforting and safe and kind. I'm going to save this for future reference.
I am so happy we all have each other as you said, to explore this messy, tricky terrain together and this kindness and comforting words from a stranger on the internet tonight helped me to feel that bit safer to navigate all this stuff  :grouphug:

Just woke up from very poor sleep. Constant dreams, constant mental chatter.
I was dreaming I had been given a few hours to check my answers in an exam.
I went over it meticulously and kept finding and re-finding new errors, new ways of perfecting what I'd written.
At one point, the exam required me to change a TV channel to my horoscope (haha) and a girl I had helped out a lot was walking in front of the TV. I asked her to changed the channel, thinking she'd be happy to help since I had helped her enormously, and she wasn't. She didn't help. I became angry and resentful and frantic and the more I looked at my answers, the more errors I spotted. I couldn't correct them all quick enough! and time was running out but i didn't know by how much. I asked someone else to check for me and struggled to help me with that too.
Woke up just now very frantic.

Writing all this...it doesn't sound too dissimilar to how i felt about my healing journey - revisiting the past and the trauma and the way i did life 'the first time round', to try to undo the damage, correct it, make a better go of things this time round...and none of my family want any part in this journey, and nor do the narcissistic men/friends I've met who i thought would be on board with my healing since i felt i had always given them a lot....and yet it just doesn't work like that. People don't give because they remember you were there for them when they needed you. At least, narcissistic people don't. They don't give at all, but happily take, take, take.

Urgh. I feel like I am not doing the healing work fast enough, correctly enough or something enough. Why am i still having days where i feel so down, so anxious, so unworthy and slip back into habits of trying with people who are selfish?

Feel a big cloud of depression today.
Hardly done anything.
Managed to brush my teeth and not much else. I've been in bed mostly.
Ate unhealthy fried food for lunch, which is probably not gonna help but no energy whatsoever.

Cancelled PT session, dreading dinner tonight with my friend and 2 other girls i haven't met.
Just want to stay by myself and not see anyone. I feel useless - why am i always this same failure - constant depression, anxiety, flashbacks etc etc.
Days like today feel like they will never get better.
And I feel ashamed to be me, to have my issues.

Well, I got through the day. I ended up cancelling on everything because it was a 'everything is way too much and not just something to push through' kinda day.
I went for a little walk though, and my friend called me, and that helped.
Cleaned the flat too and now resting with a cup of tea.
I feel like a failure because I've felt so bad all day and couldn't get out of it. Which seems so silly. I wish it wasn't so difficult just to allow myself to feel bad/have a bad day without it then developing into feeling...out of control, scary, doomed. Its just a feeling afterall.
But no. I could barely concentrate on tv, i really had to drag myself to clean - usually a chore I enjoy and get relief out of, but not at all.

My close friends are coming to stay with me tomorrow.
We have lots of lovely things planned. And we are all open with our struggles so I know I don't have to fake happiness either, thank god.
Now I'm kinda excited.

Just....the thoughts still niggle away and scare me - do days like today mean I am doomed? What if i am never capable of having a family because of days like that? Days like today push me right back into...not being able to trust people, not being able to connect, or even be present. No-one wants a partner like this..?

There's a particular abrupt waking up process that happens to me every so often, I'm dreaming of hectic scenes, with lots of things happening and emotions flying high, then suddenly there's a sharp 2 knocks on the door which jerks me awake. It sounds so real but when I wake up, i realise the knocks were in the dream. It feels so jarring and scary - who is at the door? what do they want? why can I never finish the emotional journeys of the dreams and get to the end of them, where they are resolved? It feels like they get caught up tight in my chest, never seen all the way through, not fully processed, no-one comforting me through them.
Sigh.
It feels so heavy on my chest and fluttery and nerve wracking in my stomach. I'm tired just thinking about going through it.

I'm proud of myself. Did a bit of reparenting today and...it worked!
I'd come down with some kind of bug earlier. Had a headache, muscle aches, runny nose and hot and cold flushes. I went to bed and sweated profusely, and had very rushed dreams and racing thoughts in between the broken sleep.
I woke up pretty exhausted and drenched in sweat. And started having that familiar feeling of panic when I am unwell, like when  was younger, and no-one was there to comfort or help or mop me up. I went into freeze state,feeling like i couldn't even go for a wee.
But then i reminded myself...i am not there anymore. And now I DO have ability and tools to help myself. So I spoke to myself like I would my niece or nephew when helping them...very softly, comfortingly, and went to relieve my bladder, and have a refreshing shower. Got myself a fresh pair of pyjamas and applied lotion. Then made myself some soup and drank water.
It sounds so normal and not a big deal. But it is for me, somehow. When you're used to being made to feel like a burden on a normal day, being ill takes it up a notch and always leaves me feeling even more powerless, helpless, alone, scared and like i need to minimise as much as possible on the days i needed the nurturing the most. I would freeze and try to stay out of sight. No-one would take me for a hot bath, or bring me a warm meal or hot water bottle. All these things I learnt in adulthood.

So, this is me doing all those things for myself and my inner child to treat myself differently, to do it a better way, to prioritise my needs and health and self-care.
And it worked! I feel so much calmer, fresher and less anxious about being ill.  :hug:

That's a very, very big deal. You were able to stay present and have self compassion and provide care and nurturing to yourself. We all know that even though that sounds normal it is devastatingly hard.

Quote from: Armee on October 21, 2021, 04:30:50 AM
That's a very, very big deal. You were able to stay present and have self compassion and provide care and nurturing to yourself. We all know that even though that sounds normal it is devastatingly hard.

Thank you Armee  :) It really is a task when it wasn't modelled to you. Like I realised I just used to shut my eyes and hope to fall asleep and ignore all my immediate physical needs when ill or when needing to go to the toilet and didn't realise how much of this was just autopilot behaviour from when I was very, very young. I've been actively working against it and it becomes nice after a while...I look forward to having the need that i can then meet and feel the comfort of, after.

Today I carried it on as best I could. Turns out my muscle aches and fever are due to COVID; had a positive lateral flow test today. Had a tough few hours when flashbacks/trauma things in general came up which I'm still working through in therapy and had panic moments that i can't do both...be ill and harbour all the trauma memories and feelings and my mind started spinning and racing...thoughts started to spiral and tough memories came up which i could barely muster the courage to face so i did my best to distract myself with movie..then burst into tears at night.
Sometimes it feels like everything bad we experience in life will be doubly bad when our symptoms are in full flare up...being ill isn't just being ill, its also feeling even more powerless, exhausted expending energy trying to manage flashbacks and getting little rest from sleep which is fraught with bad dreams and difficult emotions that we have less reserves to simply deal with the present problem at hand: less energy to use to look after ourself and to fight the symptoms of being ill, less mental reserves to withstand the frustration/isolation/stress that being confined to your bed will cause and so on and so forth. No, CPTSD will always need feeding first and if it isn't fed, it will get angry, hungrier and louder. Almost menacingly so. Or at least, that's how it feels. And I know, mostly it wants to be fed compassion, kindness, self-care but the circular thing with it all is CPTSD by its very nature makes us less likely to know how to do the very things it wants from us in order to be fed and satisfied. Its like all the bad coping mechanisms we use instead can be likened to the effects of junk food: the more of them we feed CPTSD, the more likely to is to suffer the bad effects such as a sugar crash, addiction, low moods.....this can take on the flavour of bad dreams, flashbacks - both emotional and images, jittery amygdala.... Come to think of it, this is a pretty good analogy. It might be helpful to write a list all the 'good foods' for CPTSD - the things to feed to healthily versus the bad stuff....things such as talking kindly to myself, being nurturing versus ignoring needs, self criticism etc.

On a positive note, my therapist emailed back to say we could have our session via zoom tomorrow morning, so at least i have that extra bit of support still. I can talk to him about the flashbacks today Being young and seeing my beloved Dad ill. Seeing the cancer spread and emaciate him over time. I wish beyond belief I could have just one more precious day with him, to hug him, to bring him a cup of tea, to let him know i love him.
I don't want to push away his memories anymore. Even the painful ones. He was real, and is my dad and everything he went through was real. I want to go towards them and process them and have his memory be a part of me, instead of some foreign scary chunk of me which i have split off and try to steer clear of, out of fear. I'm terrified of what the emotions will do to me, if i face them. All the things I witnessed back then were too much, too heartbreaking for me. If I go towards them, will my heart actually shatter...will I shatter and not be able to continue anymore?

All this was so beautifully written. And I am so sorry you are sick.  I hope it moves on past quickly. You're really right about how much harder everything is when CPTSD in the mix.

But mostly I want to offer a bit of comfort for the memories of your father being ill and dying. It would be beautiful to be able to embrace all that sadness. It might feel like your heart is shattering but I can't help but think it would be more like breaking free than breaking. And I hope it is ok to say I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss and also you are lucky to have a parent worthy of that much sadness and grief. I'm sorry he is no longer with you and you had to see him suffer.

Quote from: Armee on October 22, 2021, 02:26:24 AM
All this was so beautifully written. And I am so sorry you are sick.  I hope it moves on past quickly. You're really right about how much harder everything is when CPTSD in the mix.

But mostly I want to offer a bit of comfort for the memories of your father being ill and dying. It would be beautiful to be able to embrace all that sadness. It might feel like your heart is shattering but I can't help but think it would be more like breaking free than breaking. And I hope it is ok to say I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss and also you are lucky to have a parent worthy of that much sadness and grief. I'm sorry he is no longer with you and you had to see him suffer.

Thank you ever so much for your kind words, reading it made me burst into tears (in a positive way) as i felt the compassion and as an extension of it, felt it for myself. Yours is a beautiful way to look at it - 'more breaking free than breaking'. I read your message just before my early Zoom therapy session and it paved the way for me to open up to him about the memories.
I still get so touched by people's kindness.
The therapist surprises me with kindness beyond what I've seen from other therapists who lead with perhaps a more neutral approach - something i read in Pete Walker's book can be less effective for CPTSD where relational healing is what is most needed. He said to me he'd rather not have had next week off now as he wanted to be there to give me support and that having both COVID and the trauma stuff will be far too much of an ask to deal with by myself and to let my friends knows i'll need them more during this time. He also said so many comforting things like to make sure i am feeding myself nourishing meals and to be resting as much as i can and that 'god knows you've deserve it' and to watch whatever i enjoy.
I've never had someone be involved with the support element when i've been ill, like this. Its amazing the difference it made.
Instead of ordering unhealthy food, I made myself a vegetable mix and mushroom soup.
I watched my favourite movie and laughed a lot, at all the funny parts.
I even messaged more friends than i usually would, as he suggested, and told them i was actually struggling more mentally than with the physical symptoms.

If it helps anyone save time and money - i've tried many different types of therapy and whereas some have been quite useful, nothing has been as powerful as this current one (somatic therapy) with a therapist who knows in-depth about the nervous response and the 4F responses, what trauma does to the body, etc.
He has taught me to bring my attention to the vagal response in my body - often in my breathing, restless legs, queasy tummy, painful pressure on the back of my head and painful lump in throat feeling. Feeling it, allowing myself to feel rooted to the ground underneath me through my feet, placing my hand on my heart as i bring attention to how i feel and comfort the child in me who went through so much horror.

I'm so grateful for this website too, its such a safe, secret space for me and everyone who responds is so kind  :grouphug:

Day 5 of isolation.
Fever seems to have all but gone. Leg muscles and back of head still a bit achey.
I felt very queasy this morning, kind of nervous.
The anxiety and panic from a few days ago have gone thankfully, and I've managed to do the things i needed for myself which i worried i wouldn't cope with: online grocery shopping, cooking healthy meals, showering, household chores.

Another layer of this CPTSD thing is unravelling. I'm betting other people can relate to this: that feeling of almost being on a spin cycle when dealing with a new layer of trauma effects popping up: very scary and heart-pounding at first, urge to resist feeling/thinking, try to distract, all becomes too much, accept to lean into it and slowly processing it...then it feels okay. Then a sudden bam as a new layer comes up and cycle repeats.
It feels just as terrifying each time.
I'd been trying to figure this one out for a few years now. Friendships. Why it was I had mostly chaotic, one-sided friendships, which never seemed to last. How I showed up in them. Why I felt weird and otherworldly around healthier friends: insecure, less than, embarrassed, like my life held up far too starkly crazily next to what i assumed was the picture perfect ones they led which made me retreat from them.
It was me - my disturbed self image, how i related to myself, how disconnected i was to myself. I only felt 'normal' and 'okay' around chaotic friends because those types of people were the same as my caregivers, their behaviours and dynamics were what i knew.
Running away from people who were healthier because i assumed their lives were perfect - because i was insecure and afraid to be seen as less than. In reality, some of those people i DID give a chance to - they were nice, sweet, reliable but their lives sure weren't perfect. There was always some reliability at one point or another if i stuck with them long enough. But I didn't, my insecurities always got the better of me. And I wish I had now - i wish i had started all these realisations and the bravery to act on them much, much sooner.
I have a few people from childhood on social media. One i speak to every so often. But I don't really know them well. Truth be told, i can remember feeling as disconnected, unsure and undeserving from as young as 5 years old. This makes me so sad and depressed that...i had CPTSD ruling my life for so long and has made me miss out on long term friendships.

I feel like childhood friendships that last sound magical. Movies which show the characters in photos as friends since a young age, then growing up together, going through teenage years than to university and adulthood, attending each other's weddings....it makes me feel so depressed to see that. I feel like its another beautiful area of life snatched away from us. And i don't even feel regretful anymore like 'i wish i could go back and do it differently' because i distinctly remember how i felt during those formative years and beyond where the CPTSD symptoms were SO strong and paralysing, there was no way i could have done it differently. I used to try to rack my brains as a child to think of what to say or do with the other kids to bond with them, to be like them and i just couldn't get beyond the freeze state. Even if i did say something, i was so disconnected from myself, it always came out as something odd or forced and it was obvious other kids picked up on that.
The truth is, the world view we have from a young age comes from our interactions with our caregivers and siblings around us at home. Mine was disturbed from the early beginning. Friendships didn't have a chance by the time i entered school, aged 5. That was 5 years of CPTSD-forming daily life.

Throughout my 20s, thoughts would creep in to alert me about the truth in this area of my life. But I always batted them away and rationalised my situation, the chaotic friends i had, the obvious pattern of no healthy, long term, stable friendships which were two-sided. I didn't want to face up to this and feel hopeless. Recently, I've faced up to it. And it does feel depressing. And bittersweet. I have the truth, and the responsibility to accept my part to play in it to help me not continue to make the same mistakes. I no longer beat myself though when i have these realisations: why didn't i know sooner and DO something about it. Because i remember the full pain that caused these problems. I remember being the child that was filled with this pain and it is incredibly unfair of me to expect her to have figured it all out and undo all that damage by myself - it would have been impossible.
The effects of being nurtured, cared for, seen, heard can only be given by others. It doesn't matter how resourceful we are, children cannot give themselves these things. And the effects of it are so vast.
I do wish life had been different. I still remember how i used to view the girls and boys in my class in primary school and later high school....and its pretty shocking how mistrustful, suspicious, insecure, fearful and also mean my thoughts were about them. I'd immediately assume they also would degrade, berate, shun and hate me. If i did have a successful playtime with some of them, the next opportunity i might feel too scared and then shun them.
I sabotaged and ruined budding friendships without even realising what i was doing. I always felt if i did disappear from someone's life, i'd be doing them a favour and they'd breath a sigh of relief. It never occurred to me people might even care.

Argh. My thoughts are so convoluted here. I feel sad and depressed. I wish i had a few childhood friendships that have lasted. I wish i could be attending weddings of friends who i have known for decades, where there'd be other people from the past - familiar faces of a comforting time - catching up, who we all have known....but i don't have that. In the past, I've tried to hastily always work towards what i've missed out on and try to attain it now. But sometimes, that isn't possible. I do have some better friendships now. But these decades-long childhood friendships, i don't have. And maybe its okay to just sit with the sadness at missing out, and process all the emotions that come with the realisations.

Day 6 isolation.
Sleep has been terrible. Lots of rushed, frantic, adrenaline-filled dreams.
These kinds of dreams have been happening all of my life, for as long as i ca remember.

Scenes of distress that I haven't necessarily experienced - such as burning buildings, trying to rescue people, people myself at harm's risk by trying to stop the fires. Themes of death, loss, fear, danger, perplexing situations. Sometimes the scenarios are so odd, random, peppered with different people from different stages of my life.. But always full of emotion, pounding heart, flight-or-fight. Panic, panic, panic.
I'm guessing this is another part of CPTSD. Seems like amygdala hijacking whilst I am sleeping. Its like a mad race to try to solve, fix, save a desperate situation and i never can get to that part where it is resolved and dealt with and i can now relax.
I am always on edge. I've felt that way for as long as i can remember, since I was 5. Always panicked, always worrying, always anxious, scared, always worrying about how i should be feeling, reacting, talking, behaving....no way of being ever gave me peace within my family - they were too dysfunctional to even have a consistent type of dysfunction. And there were too many of them to try to always appease anyway - one demanded a certain way of being, then another would demand a different one that contradicted the other person's so i'd always be at risk of upsetting and feeling the wrath of someone. Its infuriating to realise how much pressure adults put on me; completely recklessly.

I woke up absolutely exhausted. I think I'd have felt more rest if I hadn't slept at all.

I wish I could get into meditation/yoga/breath work - maybe this will help my system feel a bit calmer? Turn off the flight or fight response?

Day 10 of isolation. Final day, hurrah!

What a difference a night of better sleep makes. I always forget not to underestimate how much some symptoms can really be worsened by poor sleep. I had awful, anxious, emotion-heavy dreams for a few nights before yesterday and my mood has really plummeted as a result. I was catastrophising, had brain fog, poor concentration, extremely low mood and inner critic has gone beserk. Ended up calling Samaritans yesterday after waking up on the verge of tears and told them all about my dreams and how much they were affecting me and it really helped - i always forget how the smallest of things really can help - they reminded me how much of a difference sleep makes to our day and our wellbeing and suggested getting in touch with my doctor for some sleeping aids - a simple task which i just don't think of when my mental state is triggered. So I made an appointment with my GP for today and it felt really good to be doing something about it - a proactive approach and to know I'll be able to get medicine that will help if sleep starts to get really tricky again.
And thankfully i managed to sleep well yesterday! Very relieved about this.

Having a bit of a wobble moment today amongst many positive updates.
Its that sudden feeling that sometimes strikes....like being struck with a needle injecting into my system a cocktail of loneliness, terror, fear and guilt.
Its horrible and scary.
Its a feeling in the pit of my stomach, a swirling blizzard that expands out throughout my body until i feel a bit sick/dizzy. Like I'm the only person left on the world.
As though my FOO who i loved despite their dysfunction, have all died and all the abuse is nothing but sands of memories.
I feel scared to let them down, to do things that would make them disappointed.
Likewise, when I feel good and am doing good positive things, I wish I could include them.
I've been good with exercise recently and walked an hour and a half to do my weekly food shop. I found lots of good, healthy ingredients that got me excited about cooking again, and the positive feelings that came over me whilst I was stood in the aisles made me cry. I stood frozen and cried - my life has all come together and that end results only came about without a single family member left in it. Why did it have to be like this?
I cried for all the happy memories we don't and can't and won't have.
And for all the goodness and success and peace and wonderful things in my life I can't share with them.
And for all the horrible times that they, too, endured, and never seemed to get out of.
And for the 2 family members who have passed away, both in quite a lot of suffering.

I wish I could take it all away from all of them, from everyone else out there in the world who has to deal with this. The pain can be unbearable. I cried all the way to the check outs and on my way home. These tears of raw pain can feel so much more intense...almost hot and sting the skin. Its like releasing small bits of a reservoir of unbearable pain.

It sounds like a lot of pain and you have so much beautiful compassion.

Quote from: Armee on November 10, 2021, 02:12:57 AM
It sounds like a lot of pain and you have so much beautiful compassion.

Some happy news amongst the pain

Thank you Armee. There is so much pain there. Its so overwhelming. When I lean into it, I can feel it for an evening before it floods my whole system and I'm too overwhelmed and cannot think or locate any feeling. Maybe that's dissociation, I don't know.
The past few days since my visit to the supermarket were full of this flooding of emotions. My sleep, disturbed and full of dreams and heavy feelings. I had another job interview today which I was excited to prepare for, but found I could barely manage beyond 30 mins of reading before giving up. There's just no room in my brain when my system is flooded like that. Every day, it wasn't easing up: despite going for walks, distraction techniques, calling friends...I started the netflix show 'sweet magnolias' and fictional as it may be, the delicate and acute ways in which the characters portray concern for the welfare of each other, their children made me freeze up. My family would jeer and mock such tender displays of caring for others, never mind children. If you were little, you didn't matter 1 bit. If you were a teenager, you were a madam with an attitude who needed putting in her place. No needs were acknowledged; basic or otherwise.
It made me remember when I was a teenager, and kept as lowkey as possible to not give them trouble. Focused on studying and getting good grades. I did nothing but study. Then one day, I overheard my mum and brother talking. She was spitting out her words, and muttering darkly: 'now its time to find her a husband before she becomes troublesome' and talking about setting me up with a potential match who knew my brother - a man in his 20s. I froze, hearing all this. She spoke about me like I was a piece of garbage, an item, a THING to be 'dealt with'. She didn't even see me as human. At all. In that moment, I felt like I would never amount to anything more than a 'nothing' no matter how agreeable I was, no matter how helpful or beneficial I was, or how well my grades were, how much I could make them proud of me. Argh, this is a bit too much for me to go towards right now, I wish my brain would stop taking me there for a bit this evening. Therapy tomorrow, at least. Anyway...

I felt a mixture of being frustrated and angry with myself in the lead-up to the interview for not being able to snap out of it.
I had the interview this morning.

I thought I'd done pretty badly. I wasn't as eloquent and smooth in my answers as I could have been. The last question - a clinical scenario, my mind went blank at one point and the interviewer was probing me to give me answers. I freaked out and felt so utterly disappointed, ashamed, a failure...

And then, i got a phone call later.....I got the job! I was so happy I think I squealed down the phone and thanked her!
I honestly don't know how I got through these past 3 days of being 'triggered' and completely PTSD'ed, with no relief whilst awake AND asleep. But I did, and I succeeded in the interview.

Every storm passes.

Congratulations!
:party:

 :cheer:

Yay! That's fantastic. It's funny not funny how certain we can be of our utter failure when others think we are rocking it.

Thanks guys! I'm very pleased and looking forward to starting  :grouphug:

I'm back to having emotional dreams again. Not the nightmare, terrifying, horrifying type. No.
I've been having a lot of dreams that are filled with emotions. Deep emotions that I perhaps stop myself from feeling during the day.
Before it was the guilt and missing of my FOO. Feeling sorry for them. Needing to help, getting anxious and worried about them. All things i stopped doing a few years ago and its like my system was still programmed to do that so didn't stop feeling those things..so it came out in my dreams.
And now its some of the fantasy thinking i used to do a lot with regards to relationships. I stopped indulging in this too, once i realised how much it leads to missing red flags and generally bad outcomes.
Again, its like my system hasn't fully caught on that 'we won't be using this coping mechanisms anymore' and is dying to do them whenever i feel bad or empty.....like how i always used to as a kid, and it almost feels betrayed that i reject this coping mechanism?! So then it happens in my dreams. Fantasy romantic partnerships. It feels so real and nice and then when i wake up, i feel so triggered, and lost, and not in control anymore. And worried that my nervous system will never get into the habit of recognising anything else other than the dysfunctional habits, as coping strategies.

I'm trying to apply the things i learnt in therapy. To go lovingly towards these dreams and to thank them for guiding me towards whats going on inside, with processing. I think its because ive recently started approaching dating very differently - and it certainly isn't easy to go to what feels most natural (attraction to many red flagged men) and to be honest, it feels annoying, weird, odd, and like the sparkly fun of attraction has been taken out of it. I hate even saying this. I think i havent yet fully figured out when im not attracted to someone because they genuinely are not a good match, versus not having the initial attraction because they are healthy and not what im used to - something i know can be common when meeting people who arent toxic after its all we're used to. I was on an extremely boring and awkward date, the guy did not have good social awareness skills, and i reasoned i should give him a chance and sat through a very tedious second date before getting annoyed with myself and thinking, i can also trust myself to recognise when im not having a good time.
Healthy may mean not what we're used to, but it shouldn't also mean tediously boring, difficult and lacking any commanlities.

These things all sound so obvious but ive found as im treading the murky waters of recovery, its the little things like this that we need to unlearn and -relearn and it will take some trial and error. Such as abandoning old ideas of love and fantasies, and giving guys a chance who aren't the usual type to trigger a spark. But then questions will be raised - what then is the difference for us between a spark not being triggered because they're healthy versus because they're just incompatible? I.e. learning to trust myself, and my own decision-making and intuition.
Its difficult. Some of the wiring still needs redoing.
And in the meantime, it feels like my brain has so many new things with being challenged, ordered to do things differently to what worked as a child, that its getting overwhelmed and confused and sleep is the only time i leave it alone to bring up whatever.

Sigh. this might not even make much sense, im rambling a lot.

You're not rambling at all. Dating sounds very confusing! And I know with my issues trusting myself it would be very hard to know what is a right fit, what is a bad fit, what are red flags, and what are my own issues.

I finally got access back on my original account! Thank you Kizzie, I've been wanting to get back on here and update for the past few weeks and just couldn't seem to find a way.

Anyway. What a wild 3 months its been since i last posted.

Firstly, I started my new job. Its been 2 months already! The time has flown by. I've been learning so much - both professionally and personally. It has been....such a mixed bag and so much heavy processing.
I started off this job (in a new speciality) of which I knew very little. The amount I know now compared to when I started feels huge. I'm proud of myself and yet, still struggle with feeling like a failure for not knowing it before, or not knowing more, or looking like an idiot/a disappointment in front of the senior doctors. One of the consultants has a managerial, slightly heavy-handed approach. I'm not sure yet if she's a threat to my sense of peace yet - she seems to come down hard but on the other hand, she seems like she may do it because she wants us to learn and be the best we can be. I don't know yet, for sure, she got the wrong end of the stick on one occasion where she didn't know the facts, and called me to have a rant at me, which I didn't appreciate at all. I was so nervous after that, as this is all too reminiscient of the heavy-handed, jumping to conclusions and reactive approaches my family did, but I took a deep breath and calmly explained the situation to her and she listened, to be fair and took it onboard. I'm not fully there yet on the emotional dysregulation front - i felt myself shrinking and getting triggered around her, but definitely not as much as I would have done before, so i think that's a sign of progress.
It was a bit disappointing at first, because the first month, when she was away on annual leave, i felt like i'd landed in the best team and that i was so lucky - everyone was/is kind, helpful, and sweet. I felt a bit like i was dragged back into my old life of fear, anxiety, self-doubt when she came back but....it did not cripple me or take over. I'm taking on a wait and see approach and not reacting as quickly by: crumbling, hiding, breaking down like i did before. I'm not sure yet how this new approach will pan out but....for now, its okay.

Therapy has taken a back seat for about 6 weeks now. First it was the christmas holidays, then my therapist was off sick, and then my working schedule was too busy. It re-starts next week and i have to say, the long breaks whilst in the throes of heavy processing work really do have such a big effect! Its crazy, when i have regular therapy, things seem so much more positive, manageable, hopeful that i feel i can manage on my own.....a few weeks away from it and it dissolves quickly. My therapist said at the beginning this is long term work, perhaps for 2 years or so, and i can so see why now. Its maintenance work after the initial acute stages.

I dipped my toe in the dating pool again. I felt generally more settled and stable in november/december and decided i'd try exploring dating apps a bit. I went on  few dates and wow....i have learnt SO much from this too! I had some good dates, bad ones, boring ones, weird ones..and a VERY intense one where i think we both triggered each other and it made me realise the importance of things just being FUN at the beginning. Super important.
I decided to take a break after feeling a bit burnt out from it but im glad i did it, because ive come away having a lot more self-assurance and knowing way better what i do and don't want.
A few days after deciding to stop dating, i worked with a guy i hadnt worked with before and we had one of the best shifts i'd had. It was so easy to talk to him; we chatted, laughed a lot, i felt i could show my silly, jokey side and he was just lovely to be in the company of. I don't know much about him - some of my inner grelim speak started popping up the next day and i started feeling like my child self - that men like this would always have and deserve someone a LOT better than me  - I'm not pretty enough, or 'normal' enough, or stable, or have a lovely normal family, or just simply deserving or worthy at all. I hate this inner critic voice - it urges me to shrink away before i get any ideas above my station to make friends or associate with nice, kind, smart people like that - they would run a mile if they really knew who i really was!? I know this is all distorted thinking but man, does it hurt and feel SO REAL when triggered.
Anyway, I haven't seen him since, but he did text me later that night thanking me for all my help, which was really nice - again, not used to this kind of kindness or being thought of.

But meeting him made me think.....there were plenty of nice, kind men/people like him along the way.....and i remember in my teens and early 20's feeling like i could never possibly have anything in common with anyone like that and instead leaning towards troublesome, problematic, chaotic, unrealiable, negative, toxic people and it made me feel so sad at how little i knew, how unhealthy my whole outlook was, how much i missed out on because of these negative core beliefs. I rejected healthy friendships, men all the time without even realising.....just because i instantly felt awful and unworthy and inferior and i never questioned those feelings, instead letting them guide me towards picking the more familiar, negative people who did reinforce my feelings of unworthiness.

What a lot to untangle. I wish I had known more of this sooner.
Is it too late? Guys like this colleague - I am sure they can't possibly be single at my age (early 30s) and they also already have long-term, well-established friendships from years ago....how do you suddenly start playing catch up with healthy people when all the things they already know and live by, you're ONLY just learning now?! I genuinely had no idea how to accept reciprociy, being listened to, respected, ....even now it blows my mind when someone sits and listens to the end of every sentence i say and doesnt interject/talk over me/dismiss me/put me down/invalidate/bully/mock me.

Will this learning even be worth it if it is too late and trying to create a new wholesome life based on my lessons isn't feasible since....i may have missed the boat?
I would love to think i could have a loving family of my own one day with a loving healthy partner. I love kids. I'd love to be a mum. But i worry its all too late.

I appreciate your update.  It sounds like you are finding what works for you and are exploring how manage moments that come up that in the past you may have responded to differently.  I hope that you find ease in navigating the type of relationship and future you hope to have. 

Hi Holidayay,
I just wanted to say 'welcome back' and that I read your update, and wanted to congratulate you on your new job, and that I wish you the best with everything.  I really hope that you do get to enjoy the future you want to, and that it goes well.  Your work team sound really nice.
Hope  :)

Thank you guys.

Its stormy here today in London. The winds are so strong, people are advised to stay at home. Which sucks because i finished night shifts yesterday and was hoping to go visit another city for a break.

Trigger warning
I've been feeling some anger recently. And maybe what I imagine some people will call unreasonable thoughts. But they are how I feel.
I've been feeling resentment and rage that our healing from awful childhoods consists of going through terrible healthcare systems (at least here, its terrible) where you are often met with jugement and intolerance and only receive help if you are absolutely at the edge.   All the ways in which you are wired up wrong for the world but right for dealing with your abusive parents makes you seem weird, unloveable, odd. There's no way of undoing it, so the best bet is to spend on expensive therapy where inevitably you will hear all the ways in which you are wired up badly and the work you have to do next to try to heal.
Work, work, work, work, work.
The initial childhood was unpaid labour trying to navigate beasts, everything in life on top of that feels like huge work because of the energy apped on dealing with the beasts and then yo go for help and its more....work.
And i get it, i dont need yet another cynical, depressive stern voice saying 'well that's the reality of life im afraid'.
No, its the reality for those of us born unlucky.
Childen in healthy families are not torn apart before they even know how to put words to their feelings. Then they grow upto be adults with an abundance of resources and self love, which only begets more resources and love. Those who are pre-loved, find it a lot easier to continue to be loved. Their partners are usually kind, understanding, have good comunication skills and if the they stumble, they catch them.
Childhood abuse is an exponential journey through darkness and the interruption to this thats necessary for healing, society does not allow for: time and money. You still have to go to work. You still have to pay bills.
Healing through traua will uncover all the horror and your boss mostly won't care, nor will many people have time for listening and empathising.,

I can't help but think: if you're born into this doom, what's the point?

I'm sorry you aren't able to go out and about like you hoped you would.  I appreciate your reflections on the systems and unseen labor we navigate for healing.  I have had similar thoughts and get tired from all the effort.  I don't have any wisdom on this, I just resonated with what you wrote especially the "exponential journey." 

Quote from: rainydiary on February 18, 2022, 07:46:57 PM
I'm sorry you aren't able to go out and about like you hoped you would.  I appreciate your reflections on the systems and unseen labor we navigate for healing.  I have had similar thoughts and get tired from all the effort.  I don't have any wisdom on this, I just resonated with what you wrote especially the "exponential journey."

Thanks rainydiary. It sucks, doesn't it.  :'( I am sorry you are in this too

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.. I believe they are quite reasonable thoughts...and I wish it wasn't this way too!!
Forgive me if this isn't helpful or relevant please :) ...
I don't feel it's so hopeless though (well not always).. even if I can't imagine ever having the time or money to do what it is that is likely needed to ever fully get better.
I know it seems never-ending.. (Does it ever!!!!), but I do believe there are beautiful spots of healing along the way. Those are the spots that keep me going. I hope you find some beauty.. whether it's your compassion, love, whatever gift comes from your suffering and pain.
I do wish you much peace and happiness. You deserve that! we all do :)

Quote from: phil72 on February 18, 2022, 11:42:56 PM
I'm sorry you're feeling this way.. I believe they are quite reasonable thoughts...and I wish it wasn't this way too!!
Forgive me if this isn't helpful or relevant please :) ...
I don't feel it's so hopeless though (well not always).. even if I can't imagine ever having the time or money to do what it is that is likely needed to ever fully get better.
I know it seems never-ending.. (Does it ever!!!!), but I do believe there are beautiful spots of healing along the way. Those are the spots that keep me going. I hope you find some beauty.. whether it's your compassion, love, whatever gift comes from your suffering and pain.
I do wish you much peace and happiness. You deserve that! we all do :)

Thank you for understanding and the little ray of sunshine hope you mention, i can imagine it guiding you like  little flicker of a warm candle  :)

Gloomy weather here all too happy to reflect back feelings of despair  :blink: constantly waiting for it to be a bit nicer.
Sleep is bad again. Dreams are heavy and emotional.
Not interested in doing anything when I am awake.
Off work for the week and been wasting time scrolling on the internet, to run from these thoughts.
Can things just get better, in time for Spring, please?

Hi Holidayay,
I hope that things will get better, as you hope, in time for the Spring. 
Hope  :)

Every night has been filled with nightmares and emotions that actually wake me up, recently. Its exhausting.
Feelings of worry, stress, shame, panic and then beyond that...utter helplessness when it gets the point of i have no idea what to do/this is beyond anything i know about.
I was often left to feel this way as a kid. My mum and older siblings left no topic unexposed. There was no fight, no insults, no dysfunction left out of view of us children. I would watch them and listen to them in horror, my chest tightening and my heart pounding.
Looking back, I am horrified and disgusted at how selfish they were. And the lack of empathy was astonishing.

I spent most of my childhood feeling the way that is now showing up in my dreams. Worrying, trying to make things make sense, trying to bridge the gap between the insanity at home and the 'normality' of everyone else at school - i often felt ostracised and ashamed. I could feel people's judgement of my family. And who could blame them? My mum's narcissism had leaked out at times to the wider world, it was embarrassing.
When she didn't get what she wanted to people, she deemed them the devil and shunned them. Eventually she was left with hardly anyone, and wanted us to be isolated with her.
I was reading a book earlier about a girl's friendships over the years. How they have shaped her, how having them over many diffferent stages of her life has rooted her.
I felt a pang of sadness and jealousy. I didn't have that.
My mum never cared to pay attention to me when i was young.To my issues, my concerns, or whatever was going on in my life. I don't remember a single conversation we had about my day at school, or answering any questions about my feelings, thoughts, what i'd seen, what was coming up, my concerns. Nothing of that sort. Except, weirdly, when it came to having friends who wanted to invite me out.
Suddenly she was the most hyper-alert person in the world, highly sensitive to ANY data relating to this.
A friend i had when i was 9 invited me out to her birthday. I was immeditely terrified. My mum gave me a look of scornful disgust and bellowed a 'no' in unnecessarily nasty, venomous form.
When I was around 14, my classmate K hosted a big bday party. I was so excited to receive an invite. By that point, i had often taken to meandering around the city, alone, to get out of the house. My mum never cared when i did that. But when she sensed i would be going out with a purpose, she had a radar for it, and HATED it. She used those opportunities to turn into a banshee, to spew vitriol at me, to make sure my mood and day was ruined.
I hated her for it. If i dared to go to spite her, i wouldn't enjoy it. I'd be terrified of what she would say and do when i'd get home. to the point of being completely distracted and dissociated from the event itself. I was in no state for friends to get to know me or to enjoy my company. Completely emotionally unavailable due to her panic-inducing hate speech prior to the event.
This event, i decided to go anyway. I felt depressed and anxious. I had to walk there myself, since she had gone from bellowing at me, to giving me the silent treatment to fully ensure my evening was ruined so i would not go out. I went anyway. I didn't know the directions and got lost and eventually had to ask an old couple for directions, who drove me there themselves.
The party was an evening of dissociation after my mum's temper explosion has sent my nerves into overdrive.
Before the party even ended, my mum and brother turn up outside in his car, seething. You could see she was about to burst with anger. Suddenly she DID care to know details, suddenly she COULD get me to and from an event and actually turn up. To make sure I am shipped home as soon as possible. Which always puzzled me because once home, she didn't seem to care one bit about my presence. So why care so damn much about me going out, when going out involves me having fun?

I honestly felt like she was only ever satisfied when i was at home, miserable and my mental health declining to her stoop.
All she did at home was talk about herself, or sulk moodily. Or lash out at us and scream obscenities.
I hate her.
I hate her so much.
I actually hate her with every fibre of my being.

Because of her, I spent my youth frying my nervous system with worries about HER: her temper tantrums, her vile words, the emotional terror she would impose on me...instead of feeling free to develop friendships and have hobbies. The darkness inside that came out of that leaks out of me, everytime i am stressed at all.
I worry about invisible horror and darkness.
I constantly feel dissociated and scared and on edge.
There are no close friends from decades ago: nobody bothered to invite me after the disastrous attempts to join them, and they all moved on with their lives. Somehow they all feel like shadow people from my past now, i can't imagine any of them being real.
All i can imagine is my mum's seething anger and jealousy and resentment.
There's no bond there, at all.
I find her utterly repulsive.

hi holidayay
I'm so sorry for everything you've written.
I can relate to a fair bit.. the lack of friendships, the hatred towards your mother; mine also lashed out irrationally (pretty hard for me to use the word hate yet - i just "progressed" to angry ;) )...
It is crazy-making and I'm sorry.
I hope writing it down helped in some way, and I hope you can be extra kind to yourself today. You deserve THAT as opposed to all the rest you got :(
Thank you for sharing.

Quote from: phil72 on March 17, 2022, 04:10:17 PM
hi holidayay
I'm so sorry for everything you've written.
I can relate to a fair bit.. the lack of friendships, the hatred towards your mother; mine also lashed out irrationally (pretty hard for me to use the word hate yet - i just "progressed" to angry ;) )...
It is crazy-making and I'm sorry.
I hope writing it down helped in some way, and I hope you can be extra kind to yourself today. You deserve THAT as opposed to all the rest you got :(
Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for your kindness Phil72. I am trying. I made myself some banana bread yesterday to...idk, i feel a bit cringey saying it still, but to do something nice fo my inner child. Banana bread seems like something a wholesome, loving parent might bake for their child?
I have a therapy session today which will hopefully also help.

Hi, just wanted to say the last few paragraphs of what you wrote really resonated with me.
As a teenager I was stuck at home with my abusive Mother, who's moods and demands and lashing out terrified me. Everything was all about her, and instead of gradually becoming more independant, making friends, and discovering my own taste for things, I was at home, trapped with my mental health declining.
No one in the community would have anything to do with me, or help because everyone knew my Mother was odd....and they were, looking back intimidated by her.
I feel nothing for my Mother but revulsion and fear, even now...and she's in her eighties.
I can't bear to be in the same room as her. She disgusts me.
I hate the way I had to behave around her.
It's bitter making, because my childhood damaged my ability to do everything! Feel comfortable with relationships, feel comfortable being alive on the planet...it touches everything.
I just wanted to say, I read that you hate your  Mother, and I can really empathise!
I'm so sorry you didn't have a nice Mum, an ordinary one, who baked cake and asked you about your day, and who you didn't need to worry about!
Baking yourself some banana bread sounds a nice thing to do.
Hope you can sit and eat some with a nice cup of tea and relax a bit.
Sending best wishes

Quote from: Mary Ann on March 18, 2022, 07:41:24 AM
Hi, just wanted to say the last few paragraphs of what you wrote really resonated with me.
As a teenager I was stuck at home with my abusive Mother, who's moods and demands and lashing out terrified me. Everything was all about her, and instead of gradually becoming more independant, making friends, and discovering my own taste for things, I was at home, trapped with my mental health declining.
No one in the community would have anything to do with me, or help because everyone knew my Mother was odd....and they were, looking back intimidated by her.
I feel nothing for my Mother but revulsion and fear, even now...and she's in her eighties.
I can't bear to be in the same room as her. She disgusts me.
I hate the way I had to behave around her.
It's bitter making, because my childhood damaged my ability to do everything! Feel comfortable with relationships, feel comfortable being alive on the planet...it touches everything.
I just wanted to say, I read that you hate your  Mother, and I can really empathise!
I'm so sorry you didn't have a nice Mum, an ordinary one, who baked cake and asked you about your day, and who you didn't need to worry about!
Baking yourself some banana bread sounds a nice thing to do.
Hope you can sit and eat some with a nice cup of tea and relax a bit.
Sending best wishes

I'm so sorry for your lost childhood too. I would have been your friend. In another parallel universe, where we ARE allowed the same rights as the other children, you would be invited to every birthday party I throw. I don't know if you read one of my earlier posts about being rejected from a Mcdonald's birthday party when i was a kid - well, all that would be the opposite and all us CPTSD kids would have the best parties, with unicorns and fairies coming to life to stroke away our tears and cuddle us out of our loneliness.
Maybe it seems tragic + pathetic to story-tell like this, but I absolutely believe this is what traumatised kids deserve. They deserve the warmth and love of the whole world. I wish I could give it to them, to us, to all kids who need it.

Quote from: holidayay on March 19, 2022, 07:38:31 PM
I'm so sorry for your lost childhood too. I would have been your friend. In another parallel universe, where we ARE allowed the same rights as the other children, you would be invited to every birthday party I throw. I don't know if you read one of my earlier posts about being rejected from a Mcdonald's birthday party when i was a kid - well, all that would be the opposite and all us CPTSD kids would have the best parties, with unicorns and fairies coming to life to stroke away our tears and cuddle us out of our loneliness.
Maybe it seems tragic + pathetic to story-tell like this, but I absolutely believe this is what traumatised kids deserve. They deserve the warmth and love of the whole world. I wish I could give it to them, to us, to all kids who need it.

This is about the sweetest thing I have ever read.
I want to come too :)

Just curious, and I hope you don't mind me asking?
Did you ever have imaginary friends as a child?

Quote from: phil72 on March 19, 2022, 08:49:21 PM

Quote from: holidayay on March 19, 2022, 07:38:31 PM
I'm so sorry for your lost childhood too. I would have been your friend. In another parallel universe, where we ARE allowed the same rights as the other children, you would be invited to every birthday party I throw. I don't know if you read one of my earlier posts about being rejected from a Mcdonald's birthday party when i was a kid - well, all that would be the opposite and all us CPTSD kids would have the best parties, with unicorns and fairies coming to life to stroke away our tears and cuddle us out of our loneliness.
Maybe it seems tragic + pathetic to story-tell like this, but I absolutely believe this is what traumatised kids deserve. They deserve the warmth and love of the whole world. I wish I could give it to them, to us, to all kids who need it.

This is about the sweetest thing I have ever read.
I want to come too :)

You would absolutely be welcome, too. My cat would love you to come too, she loves humans and the more, the merrier in her book. If you like fluffy cuddles, she'd want to come hang out with you all  :grouphug:

Quote from: Mary Ann on March 20, 2022, 08:22:50 AM
Just curious, and I hope you don't mind me asking?
Did you ever have imaginary friends as a child?

I don't mind you asking at all  :)
I didn't have imaginary friends but I did very much live in my imagination. I'd imagine what it was like for teachers to adopt me, or what the future could be like - all the exciting ways I could make it different. And I'd imagine games like anything blue I found on the floor would be leading me to a trail of secret messages.
Did you?
I can see how children might make up imaginary friends to comfort them, as a makeshift world where their needs and longings could be met.

Not imaginary friends...but I had a whole made up land in my head with legends and poetry and art...a whole culture really.
From the age of around 8 I had another person (I never tell anyone this) she was like a better version of me...and she had no Mother! She didn't need anyone!
She's called Mary Ann(that's why I chose this name for here) and as I grew older she was the version of me that loved art and writing and music etc.
She disappeared when I was in my late teens and was gone for years. She came back when I started writing about  my issues and abuse etc. sounds weird but if I ever do creative writing, (just for myself) or appreciate music or spirituality, it's like I'm wearing her head....even now.
So the fantasy world she lived in gave me hours of distraction as a kid, I was absorbed in it....but even as a kid I knew THAT was pretend, and so I outgrew it....but Mary Ann isn't pretend....she's another aspect of me in a way.
I've names for the other aspects, but I'm just telling you her for an example.
Crumbs I hope that doesn't sound too weird!
It's a lovely spring day here. If I were a kid and could do nice stuff, I'd call for a friend and say 'do you want to play out?'  and we'd ride bikes or do skipping.

Quote from: Mary Ann on March 20, 2022, 09:10:40 AM
Not imaginary friends...but I had a whole made up land in my head with legends and poetry and art...a whole culture really.
From the age of around 8 I had another person (I never tell anyone this) she was like a better version of me...and she had no Mother! She didn't need anyone!
She's called Mary Ann(that's why I chose this name for here) and as I grew older she was the version of me that loved art and writing and music etc.
She disappeared when I was in my late teens and was gone for years. She came back when I started writing about  my issues and abuse etc. sounds weird but if I ever do creative writing, (just for myself) or appreciate music or spirituality, it's like I'm wearing her head....even now.
So the fantasy world she lived in gave me hours of distraction as a kid, I was absorbed in it....but even as a kid I knew THAT was pretend, and so I outgrew it....but Mary Ann isn't pretend....she's another aspect of me in a way.
I've names for the other aspects, but I'm just telling you her for an example.
Crumbs I hope that doesn't sound too weird!
It's a lovely spring day here. If I were a kid and could do nice stuff, I'd call for a friend and say 'do you want to play out?'  and we'd ride bikes or do skipping.

I think Mary Ann sounds wonderful. And as you said, is a part of you. Maybe the child you intuitively felt who you really were and what your true self looks like when stripped bare of all the layers that were NOT you, but were done to you. She sounds interesting, caring, fun and sparkly.
Thank you for telling me. Its a privilege to hear your secret world.
Its lovely here too, happy spring equinox day! Your day outside riding bikes and skipping sounds like fun. If I were a kid, I'd ask if I could join you too and get a box of strawberries for us to share. I also recently bought myself paint by numbers and it has two pictures to paint in, I'd be bursting with excitement to ask a friend if they'd like to paint my pictures with me.
There's something comforting about saying freely all i want, from a place of joy, and for it not to be squashed with shaming, rejection and mocking.

That would be fun....sat at a kitchen table with open windows and lots of daylight in a happy relaxed house doing painting.
I like to do jigsaw puzzles, not ones with scenery on.....but bright cartooney ones, or with storybook type illustrations of wildlife... I'd never don't a jigsaw as a kid, not once and so I do now.
Also, my family didn't ever buy things like stationery, or notebooks...not even pens and pencils really, and all girls love nice stationery don't they? So whenever I get stuff for my daughter, I like to get some nice gel pens, or a lovely notebook for me too....painting by numbers sounds really relaxing

Ahh yes, jigsaws are great. I know what you mean, I don't find the scenery ones that great. I have one that is a painting of lots of kittens playing around, completed it a few weeks ago. Its a great way to just switch off and get excited about finding another piece that fits.
You're right about stationery - and I'm happy for you, that you buy some of yourself, too. Gel pens were very exciting - did you ever seen the ones that promised they smelt of the flavour of their colour haha - like green apple?

I have had a big flare up in my healing.
People keep saying its good, it means I am processing things, purging, addressing things,
It feels WRONG. Like going backwards, a slow descent into the horror and helplessness.
My sleep is of course, blasted to shreds.
I have oscillated from complete nihlism/depression, existential angst, to ferocious anger, to finally deep sadness and crying yesterday.
The trigger was older ladies at work who are not kind, who talk about people behind their backs, who made my anxiety soar.
Rumination, thoughts playing in loops, replaying past events, and terrible shame have been consuming me.

I just about managed to get up and brush my teeth just now.
I can't say I'm helping myself much. I try, but its too much. I've been coping by smoking, reading posts on reddit about cptsd that are now just making me feel much worse and more helpless than anything.

I go back to work properly next week and I am dreading it.

Maybe I need to go back to the stage where I need to focus on establishing safety within myself, right now. Everything else feels too much.
Any other big task is a tall order.
How should I do that?
I mean...I've put on my heated blanket and got on a hot water bottle under my feet. Very comforting.
What's next?
Podcasts?
Cleaning?
Showering?
I really should shower, my hair feels pretty gross.
Maybe I'll feel better after I have a shower.

I hope to just feel better, today, that is all.

Thank you for sharing your experiences- it resonates with me. 

I went back to work this week, after having a few weeks off.
I had a showdown at work a few weeks ago where I unleashed my real thoughts about the horrendous toxic culture that can exist in hospitals in the UK. Occasionally in my life, maybe once a year, if I am pushed enough, I reach a stage where I don't care about any consequences at all, and state exactly what I think, and all bets are off. I told her I wouldn't care about ever returning to this job and the uninspiring, petty schoolyard bullying-type behaviour.
Then I walked out of my shift and said I was unsure when/IF I will be back.

I had a few weeks off which were miserable. Constant rumination, weighing up what was wrong with me all the time, am i inherently flawed and bad and awful? Is this why things happen to me?
Of course, its the internalisation of other people's external behaviour that occurred to children who don't have stable foundations.
I returned to work this week and saw that every single person who I found problematic on the team - other team members had the EXACT same issues with, and some had even encountered worse behaviour from them.
This made me so angry, as validating as it was.

Because it makes me realise how much inner work i still have to do. I still very much feel like everything is my fault, and shame creeps in very quickly, when people behave poorly towards me. It feels immediate that its somehow my fault. And then hearing everyone else's stories and witnessing the bad behaviour towards other staff - its not me that's to blame for every single toxic person in this damn world.
And yet I always still feel like its a reflection of ME.

I'm getting extremely disheartened by the constant realisations of the flaws within my personality make-up that makes life more difficult than it ought to be. Its constant realisations and constant WORK to counteract it. To actively tell myself 'nope, its not you, its the crazy consultant who also rings the other doctor and screams profanities at him'. It sounds so obvious cognitively. Yet emotionally, it doesn't STICK so easily.
Its making me really angry that the blueprints for my emotional health and regulation was so * and now I have to undo it all, its constant work. Unpaid and unrecognised, on top of a full time job that is already stressful enough.

I'm taking myself off to another city today to visit my 2 friends and hopefully have some FUN. And then on Monday I am going to see my other friend, who is always delightful. And looking at next week's rota - the dreaded consultant isn't working that week so thank goodness I'll have a break from being around her and getting triggered by her extremely taxing personality.

I really hope you enjoy visiting your friends, sounds like your due a little fun.
I can't imagine how awful your work situation is....it sounds like my idea of a nightmare....but then I find people terrifying.
I empathise with you when you tell yourself no it's not you it's them....and it doesn't stick...
It's like there's a huge difference between what we think/know...and what we feel. Living with cptsd is exhausting, attempting to manage our own ups and downs is a full time job in itself. ..then working full time with people who are hard work to get  along with...it must be such a challenge.
I only work part time...with my husband, we clean windows for a living! Nothing involved, or complicated about it! Yet I can still be triggered by my own thoughts while I'm working, or by how someone looks at me, or being in a certain place.... I can end up fearful and panicked and have to leave and I only work with people I know!
Seriously, I'd be unemployable to anyone else!
It's like the cptsd stuff has me overstretched, emotionally working to capacity already, without any other of the day to day normal things....
Anyway...just wanted to say I'm sending you best wishes, and I hope you have a nice few days with your friends and plenty of coffee and cake and laughs.

I am so angry today.
Angry at every look of disgust, every scathing comment, every mocking jeer, every dark facial expression, every put-down over COMPLETELY NORMAL THINGS my mum directed at me when i was little - those are the little ROOT CAUSES that specifically made me cower and shrivel inside, slowly start to kill off parts of myself as i tried to figure out exactly what the * i - a little kid - needed to do in order to be loved and accepted and cared for. Those are the initial behaviours that slowly took me out of myself, out of a world of innate safety, and into the dark abyss of emptiness, shame, fear and threat of annihiliation...a big dark vast expanse of nothingness. Out of which, I am still trying to find my way.
She purposely cut short my childhood with such rigour and such absolute force - so i could join her in her misery and convoluted world of nonsense and fear. I hate her for it. I have nothing but disdain for her. She owes me so much, not least to take responsibility and accountability for her despicable actions. Now, i have nothing but all the disgust and anger she had for me - i'm sending it right back to the source from whence it came. Her. It always belonged to her. She just wanted to give it to others so she could exist freely in this dark plane no-one in their right mind would want to be a part of.
She fully deserves to roam there for the rest of her life, alone and in abject horror.
Good.
The anger I have is so huge and all-consuming. I'm not even fighting it off anymore or trying to quickly replace it with something more acceptable for the benefit of others, who are the 'others' that deserve a nice coddled environment at the expense of my truth? They're human just like me, and have no reason to be more deserving of the absence of discomfort than i do.
So yes, I'm FURIOUS.

Hi holidayay
Thank you for sharing your anger,, your completely justified anger.  I love that you are sending it right back to her.
It sounds a little like a rallying cry.. and forgive me but I'm cheering in the background for you.
Not because you are consumed with anger, but because you are expressing it.. and it sounds so healthy and honest to me,
I hope you can use it in the best way possible for your healing, whatever that might be.  :hug:

I'm virtually holding your hand through the anger. Your anger belongs, it is right, and you don't need to be alone through it.

Quote from: Armee on April 10, 2022, 06:25:49 AM
I'm virtually holding your hand through the anger. Your anger belongs, it is right, and you don't need to be alone through it.

Thank you  :'(

I'm in such a state of ambivalence these days.
I don't really care for anything very much.
But then i also get very angry.
I suddenly just want to yell at my therapist all the time. I can see and hear myself being somewhat rude to him and i just don't care, until later on then i feel a guilty.
Everything in the world seems topsy turvy and yet we're supposed to work on ourselves to make it make sense.

I hate ramadan too. My mum and brothers used to talk about this month, which was awful for me. My mum used to spend hours making huge feasts for my brothers and his male friends whilst the girls in the family were just expected to shut up and steer clear. We weren't allowed any friends. And we didn't get to eat with them either.
I constantly feel i have to make myself invisible, just like i did back then.
I am bursting to confront my mother, brother, all of them. My brothers got to enjoy their pedestal, why didn't they choose to say 'oh you know what, my little sisters don't deserve to be shunned and hidden and not eat with the rest of us?'.
Pathetic excuses of men.
I can't stand Muslim anything  - and no-one come at me for islamophobia. I'm saying I'm averse to a religion which was used to traumatise and trigger me, and I am allowed to think of it in whatever negative association my mind made with it as a result of people who follow it, who used it to further only themselves.

I

Sending some hugs and support.  You didnt deserve to be shunned by your own family.

I'm sorry you weren't allowed friends.
I hope you get to enjoy your friendships now as a grown up person.
Sending hugs

The past few weeks have been horrendous.

A new friend I made who I invited over for a weekend has turned out to be extremely hard work. She talks about herself and all her problems constantly, doesn't pause, doesn't allow me to talk about anything else, seems to constantly want me and others to pay for her, and has a very turbulent relationship which is constantly crisis filled.
I just want her to leave. I hope she leaves today. She has an appointment in her hometown tomorrow, so she'll definitely have to go by then.

I'm also parting ways with my therapist.
A few weeks ago, I felt I was becoming a bit too dependent and feeling like i wished i had him as a friend in my life - transference - and it didn't sit well with me to be that attached so i suggested a few weeks off. He advised to attend therapy to talk about whatever might be coming up, I got very very angry at myself and lashed out via email that i did not want to, and what use is it anyway just to continue attending once a week to regurgitate my old stuff to someone sat there paid to listen and i also threw at him all my frustrations and anger at therapy in general - how is it that those of us who are sick and weakened from an early age, have to paradoxically be functioning and earning A LOT to be able to AFFORD to pay to heal from that which has broken us?
I told him i can't imagine how he can reconcile this in his mind - how he knows so much about trauma, and the effects and still be a part of the astonishing broken system - charging people so much just to be able to be in a chance with healing.
We're already broken - that's the whole point - we are traumatised and trauma means our lives and ability to carry out day to day functions are affected, and yet in order to go towards healing, we need the money to pay, pay, pay. All these treacherous 'healers' out there, offering books, resources, therapy, courses - all attached to MONEY - it sickens me. I simply cannot get my head around it. How people can comfortably monetise on childhood suffering.
Its disgusting.
And i KNOW the other side of it: that therapists have to pay for the rooms and their training etc etc etc but this is not for the traumatised child to have to take the burden of. How on earth is it true relational healing if - we sit there for an hour, disclosing our deepest secrets and at the end, receive a bill? It is and always be transactional.
At best, I believe therapy can be a good starting point for when you have no idea and no clue and just starting out on the healing journey - after that, forget it. Someone paid to listen to you automatically negates any positive effect.
The minute it becomes transactional, is the minute it mirrors early selfish abusive parenting styles that are the root cause. I will only show up for you if you are giving ME.

Anyway he wanted to do a final phone call, at least. I enquired what he wanted to discuss, as goodbyes and meaningless well wishes for the future when i am deeply traumatised do nothing for me, and in fact, trigger me due to my past history of experiencing lossess.
He said 'let us make space for whatever comes up'.
i agreed and then when he rang, he didn't make space at all. He spoke very quickly and said exactly what i asked him not to say. I do not say it lightly when i ask for certain things not to be mentioned, anyone with any understanding of triggers will know what i mean. And  he didn't make space at all, he just wanted to do the phone call on his terms - goodbye and i wish you well.
I hung up and had a vasovagal episode and then an anxiety attack, and went right back into a massive flashback. I tried calling him back and he ignored my phone call.
In my desperation, i texted my old counsellor and asked if she was able to call me urgently. Thankfully she was, and she was able to calm me down a bit.
I then lay down and stared at the wall for 3 hours until i could be sure i could get up and not feel like im going to die again.
I went to see him for a session to talk about it, a week later, and he was not helpful at all.

I'm so, so exhausted. I think I am going to steer clear of therapists for a while, at least, and focus on getting back to basics.
I feel ridiculously let down. I remember a few weeks ago when i was worrying about the effect of my trauma on him, he asked 'do you trust me' and i said yes, but i don't trust this trauma and how big it can get and engulf people.
I don't trust him at all now. I have never, never had such an experience with a long term therapist before, ever. I never did this type of deeply traumatic work before, i had other modes of treatment in the past.
Guys, if you are seeking a so-called trauma-informed therapy and want to work towards the root cause - be very, very careful. Choose someone who is VERY seasoned and VERY experienced. And, tbh, a female. Females in my experience have just an additional innate sense of caring that males simply cannot match. The female therapist who rang me to calm down said 'im so shocked that having known your history, and you asked him not to say goodbye, he went ahead and did it and didn't even try to ask you questions about what was coming up for you'.

Don't waste your time and money. Be careful and tbh, most of the truly helpful stuff, is stuff ive found that is totally free.

This is all so painful, Holidayay. I found myself holding my breath the whole time I read it. I wish I had something worth saying but I really hear and feel these huge triggers and massive pain and betrayal.

Quote from: Armee on May 10, 2022, 05:08:44 AM
This is all so painful, Holidayay. I found myself holding my breath the whole time I read it. I wish I had something worth saying but I really hear and feel these huge triggers and massive pain and betrayal.

Thank you Armee. So much.

The girl finally went home today, so that's something. I cleaned up the flat and made my room comfortable again. Try to re-establish safety, i guess.

Things don't make much sense at the moment. I feel extremely disillusioned, and sad. I want to cry. I want somebody to tell me it will be okay, that there is a way out of this. My soul is worn down.
Everything I believed in - hope, faith, change - it's all gone. I feel nothing most of the time. And when I do, its nothing but existential, pessimisstic despair.
Why couldn't I have been allowed to have been a child, just for a bit longer? Why couldn't I have just had a break from the torment and shaming and responsibilities that just kept breaking me apart, all the time.
I'm crying down, finally the tears have come.
I'm devastated and horrified.
Psychologists talk of the true self lying under the layers covered and woven by the false self.....all those layers have been unravelled and the small, helpless, scared little girl that is my true self is just here, just resurrected and doesn't feel as anymore supported as when she was last allowed to roam free.

I don't know what to do. I thought I had all the answers.
I had the top marks, the bursaries, the education, the top job.
I spent years working with my external appearance to present something attractive.
I travelled, collected hobbies, learnt about the world.
And yet here I am, still a shell. Its all undone.

My therapist emailed back to me outlining basically my desire to back off - he gently suggested trying this week.
What should I do? I don't know.
I don't know if my upset with him in my last post is reasonable enough to end it - or is it part of the process, as he always says, and encourages me to bring it into the room. Is it my inner child running the show? Interpreting the events in a overly emotional fashion?
I did trust him before. He was very kind. And accommodating. To give him credit, at a time when i was struggling for money, he insisted it was okay not to pay him until i got back on my feet and that it was important to continue the work.
He is kind and gentle and sweet-natured and introspective and finds some of my wry, dry humour comments funny.
Sometimes when I go off into my own world and mumble things out loud about my devastation at parting with my beliefs in kindness and empathy, he validates it. Once he even had tears in his eyes.
I don't know what to think. Maybe he is nice. Maybe i should go back this week and try again, and just tell him everything and hope we can build safety again.
He says everything that is happening now is part of the process and actually is a good sign, even if it feels so tough.
I wish there was a guarantee on that.

Sigh.
It feels good that the tears came out. And that my home is quiet once more.
And...its my birthday this week. All of my favourite people will be in attendance.

And....and there is one bit of positive news. I joined a friendship app to get to know new girls locally. I decided to complete the profile with full authenticity, laying out some of my quirks. Like the thing i do which my friend always loves: notice little nuances and quirks people do that makes me giggle, but which i try to stifle and apparently it doesn't look as subtle as I think. The profile attracted lots of like-minded girls. One of them I met up with last week who is just wonderful. Intelligent, funny, caring, insightful, introspective, kind. Similar to my therapist. Maybe this transference business was useful to help me figure out what it was i am looking for more of in my friendships now.
I've had to release quite a few friends in the past few years who are not really like that - the kind that continue the demands of my family: to always be the ones who are heard and helped and take centre stage.
It doesn't interest me anymore.

Wow. I didn't even really know i had so much to say. Just freestyling my thoughts. Sorry if it all came out a jumbled mess.

I'm really glad your therapist emailed back. From what I read in your post you were massively massively triggered and reacted from that place. Your T should have handled it a bit more graciously but also maybe there was no way to win so to speak. I'd love to see you go back and try again. These layers need to come off and then we rebuild again, build ourselves up from the core. You are going to be yourself. Your adult self again, which contains the wounded child, but also so much more.

I love what you did with your profile. I would much rather be friends with an authentic person like you than someone else trying to be perfect.

I'm modifying this just to add I had a huge huge rupture with my therapist after about a year. It was so painful and he royally messed up so badly. Because I was desperate and because I also had a lot of faith that he could help me with everything except the category he messed up in, I stubbornly stuck with it even though it was knock me to the floor painful. I am so so so glad I stuck with him specifically. We are a good combo and both are learning and I am healing actually really fast and deeply including the stuff he initially messed up on. I don't think we should hold them on a pedestal but accept they are human, and with trauma there are going to be times things get messy that we need to rebuild from. Both parties need grace and accountability to keep moving forward. 

Quote from: holidayay on May 10, 2022, 06:22:46 PM
And...its my birthday this week. All of my favourite people will be in attendance.

I hope it goes well for you!  Mine is Monday. :)

Quote from: Armee on May 10, 2022, 11:36:01 PM
I'm really glad your therapist emailed back. From what I read in your post you were massively massively triggered and reacted from that place. Your T should have handled it a bit more graciously but also maybe there was no way to win so to speak. I'd love to see you go back and try again. These layers need to come off and then we rebuild again, build ourselves up from the core. You are going to be yourself. Your adult self again, which contains the wounded child, but also so much more.

I love what you did with your profile. I would much rather be friends with an authentic person like you than someone else trying to be perfect.

I'm modifying this just to add I had a huge huge rupture with my therapist after about a year. It was so painful and he royally messed up so badly. Because I was desperate and because I also had a lot of faith that he could help me with everything except the category he messed up in, I stubbornly stuck with it even though it was knock me to the floor painful. I am so so so glad I stuck with him specifically. We are a good combo and both are learning and I am healing actually really fast and deeply including the stuff he initially messed up on. I don't think we should hold them on a pedestal but accept they are human, and with trauma there are going to be times things get messy that we need to rebuild from. Both parties need grace and accountability to keep moving forward.

Wow, thank you. I so appreciate you taking the time to post such a heartfelt message.
I'm inspired to hear you were able to make things work with your therapist after a rupture, and your advice that both parties need grace and accountability to keep moving forward made me consider things differently, and also - was beautifully humbling. I did before believe we were a good combo too, there was a good rapport and understanding of each other. And shared understanding of our preferred model of healthcare related to mental health (I'm a medic). I think I needed a bit of humility this week after acting out and being adamant he is to fully blame, lol. Anyway, I agreed to go back tomorrow. Hopefully it will be helpful.

I agree these layers need to be peeled back and rebuilt. I just wish it was a bit easier! I read something yesterday about the 'Tower phase' in healing/'awakening' and it so accurately conveys what I've been experiencing. I'm just so frightened of what's at the other side - why let go of everything that has been carefully constructed and is known to work (well, until it doesn't haha) when I have no idea what else to yet do???

From this article:  https://diaryofanawakeningsoul.wordpress.com/2020/02/16/tower-phase-of-spiritual-awakening/

Reflecting back on my awakening journey, the 'Tower moments' – those wrecking ball events I experienced – were perfectly designed to demolish the external structure of the life that I – as the ego-self – had unconsciously built.
Dismantling from the outside in
I was broken down on so many levels, it was extremely challenging and relentlessly chaotic.
A blessing and a curse, these Tower moments shook me to the very core of my being and forcibly cracked me open.
The deconstruction of these beliefs created a huge destabilising effect on an internal level. The old paradigms of truths I believed were fast disappearing.
At its core was the dissolution of my ego-self framework, and this created the deepest feelings of fear, desperation, imbalance and total loss of control.

Entering the void
Reeling from the loss of my old life, my personality-self had to adjust to an acute feeling of nothingness. Nothing that I had built or known existed anymore. It didn't know how to operate in this terrain of no worldly structure.
The old paradigms of beliefs, goals, planning, achieving and tick-listing experiences were becoming redundant – they just weren't working or they were losing their appeal.
Suspended in this space of not-knowing and lack of control was hugely uncomfortable and fearful to my personality-self. It was bleak, there wasn't a future it could perceive or map out and this translated into a fear of of the future, even death.
Yet a deeper part of me sensed that in the rubble of change there was new space to grow and evolve, to carve a new path, to create a better way to live a harmonious, connected, light-filled life.

Moving on from the Tower moments
This sense of defeat and helplessness in the face of the full force of life's shocking blows led the transition into the Hermit Phase of my awakening. This phase had a different essence to its challenges, focused more on an internal breaking down rather than shocking external events.
In the Hermit phase I withdrew from my external world and embarked on my most important work: the raising of my consciousness through the exploration of my inner landscape.
Much of the time I had to navigate deep despair and spiritual depression as my personality felt utterly lost in the darkness of the Hermit Cave.
This was an internal rewrite of who I truly am.

Quote from: CactusFlower on May 11, 2022, 06:29:13 PM

Quote from: holidayay on May 10, 2022, 06:22:46 PM
And...its my birthday this week. All of my favourite people will be in attendance.

I hope it goes well for you!  Mine is Monday. :)

Happy birthday month to us!  :cheer:

Its early morning on my birthday. I feel sick. I've got therapy today. And then my friends are coming tomorrow to celebrate. I want to hide from it all.

I wish I could switch off all the fear and anxiety swirling in my stomach. The thoughts and memories and shame are a LOT today.
I keep remembering the ages of 18-20. Those years were some of the most challenging of my life.
Leaving home, moving to London, without any clue about life there.
London is brutal for the disenfranchised, or for anyone struggling. It is cold, unyielding, harsh, demanding, unforgiving. At least, that was my experience. The pace and pressure tipped me over the edge. I couldn't wait to leave.
I've been back here for the past year and thought I had developed a different relationship with the city, that all the associated feelings from my first experience were now over. Its all coming back to me this morning.

I don't have much strength to face it all right now,

Anyone else's healing journey going up and down very rapidly?!

I did go back to therapy on Friday. And I was glad I did. We talked a bit about the things that had happened when I was triggered, and I was pretty honest about it. I said I had initially felt upset with how he dealt with it, and that I would have done things differently if it had been my patient and taken heed of what they say triggers them and that he never even called me back - i told him I thought maybe him being male, meant a slightly different level of care and innate understanding. But then I also said I had reflected on what Armee said here about both parties needing to take grace and accountability in the therapeutic relationship and that I hadn't acted very well towards him either, and had been very angry and abrupt in my emails to end therapy. We also spoke about the other things that had happened this week and that I feel like I'm plateauing with progress and that it feels like its never going to get any better, and I am so lost and confused and don't know what to do anymore.
By the end of it, I felt quite reassured and safe again. He was very kind and reassured me that feeling lost is normal for the journey as it all unravels, and that it is important to keep going. He said some really kind things which made me cry too. It felt like it was more like the old dynamic again, before the eruption or rupture. He also set me a challenge to try not to contact him when i feel the urge to end the therapy, and instead bring it to the room to be discussed. He is away next week so I'm a bit nervous about not having the regular slot, but maybe it will be good for me. Who knows.

On the bright side, I went to this adorable rustic little restaurant for my birthday yesterday, with some of my friends. It was soooo lovely, I actually felt - for the 4 hours that we were there - so much warmth and connection and that life made sense again. No anxiety, no queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, or abject loneliness. It was just full of laughter and I have to say, I have some pretty amazing friends who are so kind, empathetic and really talented - it was so great to listen to their stories of their individual work and skills and opinions and experiences. I felt quite a lot of gratitutde in that moment. Maybe I should do more of  gratitude list more frequently - supposedly it helps.

Anyway. Today is rainy and a bit cold and I woke up to big anxiety and shame. Sooo, it was back to the low point. I made the mistake of staying in bed to avoid dealing with it all and now I feel worse. I just can't be bothered. My dreams were so intense. I dreamt my therapist was with his partner who was a male and i was a child/teenager in the dream who was acting out, and they were youth workers helping troubled youngsters. I was very sassy and had a big attitude and did it purposely to get attention in the dream, and then my therapist found out his partner was cheating on him because he couldn't cope with supporting him through his dad'd death and I said to him 'your partner can't cope with your pain, that's why he has betrayed you'. Haha. What crazy storylines.
Apparently dream narratives represent different parts of us/our needs coming up as different characters and stories - i guess it isn't a huge stretch to allocate what needs/parts of me this dream and the characters represent. Still, I'd rather not have such intense dreams. Anyone else feel like you've been run over by a truck when waking up from one of these types of heavy emotion-laden dream??

Also - I decided to go away next week. My friend in Switzerland invited me over so I got on my 'just do it' attitude and booked my flights. It'll be my first time travelling in 4 years soooo I'm excited (+ a bit nervous!). i hope it'll be the break to my routine that I need, and that I might get some new fresh energy and mojo whilst I am out there. Tired of feeling down and out, exhausted, bored and disillusioned with life here and that 'daily grind, monotony' feeling weighing me down.

Wow you should feel so proud of yourself! Just going back and then being able to speak so openly about what happened and how you were feeling is amazing! That is something I've only been able to start doing a little bit of. That's really huge progress in my   opinion.  :grouphug:

Your birthday and friends sounds amazing. Maybe gratitude lists help but treating yourself to things that give you  that joy and connection is also super important. Again, great job!

Sorry you felt down today. I often have those almost like backlashes to good things, where I am not allowed to feel safe or connected and then my brain like ratchets up all the * to remind me I'm supposed to be small and stay safe and disconnected.

There are so many ups and downs with this stuff but really over time it seems to improve...lows less low, highs more high.

So glad you had a good time with your friends
Doing a spur of the moment trip away sounds great too...nice to be spontaneous sometimes. Really hope you enjoy it and it goes well.

Quote from: holidayay on May 15, 2022, 02:38:50 PM


On the bright side, I went to this adorable rustic little restaurant for my birthday yesterday, with some of my friends. It was soooo lovely, I actually felt - for the 4 hours that we were there - so much warmth and connection and that life made sense again. No anxiety, no queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, or abject loneliness. It was just full of laughter and I have to say, I have some pretty amazing friends who are so kind, empathetic and really talented

This is lovely - I'm glad you enjoyed your Birthday with your friends.  I would like to wish you a belatedly Happy Birthday. 

Hope  :)

Thanks for the lovely sentiments all!

I came back from Switzerland yesterday. Had a pretty refreshing break there visiting my friend. It is so scenic there, and the lake so beautifully clear! And great timing too, it was 33 degrees and a party put on by the lake at night.
I still had my nightmares and sleep disturbances and some dissociation/difficult emotions whilst I was there but I decided just to take it onboard, that its a part of me for however long and not let it stop me. It wasn't easy at times, I did need some quiet time and extra naps throughout the day but my friend is understanding and she was working anyway so I had lots of breathing space thankfully.
I also had a little holiday fling, haha. I mean...hearing men speak French is pretty appealing  ;) I spoke to a few guys on a dating app and one of them came to visit the city I was in and we spent 7 hours walking, sight-seeing, eating and chatting a lot. Sometimes a girl just needs a fun date! I went to visit him at his city the next day and it was pretty good for my healing, to be honest. The last guy i really dated was nearly 2 years ago who was grumpy, constantly giving me the silent treatment whenever i didn't succumb, and also sullen, sulky and liked to put me down. An experience like that during recovery really can put us back, I found myself constantly surprised during these 2 days when I could say whatever I thought/felt, he didn't get angry or punitive, and he was just....well, normal (though of course, what is normal? non-abusive, in this case).
Anyway, I'm back home now and getting ready for another date this evening. I met a guy last week and he asked to meet when I returned from Switzerland so...well, why not. We're going for a walk and a bite to eat.

I'll also need to move out within the next month, our flat is up for renovation this summer. I'm trying not to get too stressed and anxious and go down the rabbithole of catastrophising - where will i live?? What if I can't afford it? Or I have horrible new housemates?? I can't afford my own place yet, so I am nervous about potential new housemates...I started looking yesterday on a site where people offering rooms provide descriptions of themselves/the kind of person they're looking to share with, and there were some good sounding profiles on there so, fingers crossed.
I hate change. It brings up....so much. I hope I can stay calm and navigate this next chapter with some ease, at least.

And I'm back to seeing my therapist this friday. He was off last week so its been 2 weeks since our last session. I'm a bit nervous, not really sure how it might go after the last few sessions and my previous outburst. But, I'm quite proud of myself - he set me the goal of not emailing him to cancel when i felt the urges come up (I've done that a few times in the past) - and I didn't! I mean, mostly i was preoccupied with other things so i didn't have time to sit and stew and come up with outlandish reasons to DEFINITELY NOT TRUTST HIM or go near therapy, so that has helped, lol. But I also did just sit with the feelings/thoughts if i did start ruminating and they weren't so strong as to urge me to ghost him. Is that....progress? I hope so.

I'm gonna go and get ready now. I'm a little bit nervous, my self esteem is always a bit skewed before a date - I don't feel like I was all that interesting or attractive last week when I met this guy, so I'm a bit unsure why he wanted to go on another date, but i'm trying to remind myself its likely just my inner critic talking, he wouldn't have asked me if he wasn't interested. Arghhhh, why can't i be more healed. Just a little bit more, haha.

Anyway - I hope everyone is having a lovely week so far - and thanks for the birthday wishes from last week!  :hug:

We have to move out in a few weeks. The flat is up for renovation.
Moving, again.
The stress is causing me to go downhill again.
I'm waking up every day in a jolt of panic and a rush of thoughts that seem unstoppable. Its early morning now and I've woken up extremely stressed again, my heart is pounding and my stomach queasy and my head feels heavy. I can't think straight at all.
2 days, the loops of flashbacks started up again -  moments from the past where I felt scared, ungrounded, anxious, depressed.
It is so hard to stay centred during all this or to have a break from it where I can actually switch off from it. 
I keep trying not to think about it - the enormity of it really scares me - but my childhood and the way my mum was are so terrifying. I was so alone, for so long, and the lack of support and care was so scary.
Its scaring me to think of now. Its too big and unfixable.

Sending some love and acceptance your way. It is huge to move especially with what you've been through and ptsd to boot. It's scary and unsettling. Flashbacks suck. Sorry you are going through that.

Quote from: Armee on June 06, 2022, 03:22:04 PM
Sending some love and acceptance your way. It is huge to move especially with what you've been through and ptsd to boot. It's scary and unsettling. Flashbacks suck. Sorry you are going through that.

Thank you. I've tentatively enlisted the help of some friends. Spoke about my spiralling symptoms and fears and told a few friends of what change and stress does to me. The morning was awful and scary with lots of flashbacks and waking up in a panic. Listened to a podcast which was incredibly soothing - gave me enough calm to tidy up my room and make my bed a comfy and safe spot, and tackled some of the admin tasks I've been putting off. Had a nice afternoon eating a takeaway with my friend and watching netflix.
I'm nervous about the rollercoaster ahead and know its gonna be bigger dips than the usual....its nerve-wracking, like constantly riding out a huge wave and just as the calm settles, another one brews. I really, really hope this change is going to be OK. My friend who wants to move with me wants the same thing as me: a base for the next 5-10 years and one which we can make a really home. With a garden and a bathtub and a cosy living room with lots of plants. I wish I could just have this one thing fully sorted and not always up in the air every year - the safety base. A safe haven that is more permanent. If there is a god, pleeeeease help make this happen.

I listened to a song this morning, that I used to be unable to sit through without crying a few years ago. The chorus in particular used to make me freeze and and the rush of pain it triggered would cause me to question over and over whether I would ever make it out of that despair. It felt like the pain had swallowed me up and the world could never be experienced differently again.

It was when I had first cut off all contact with my family and nothing, no experience, even as mundane as going grocery shopping, could be done in a different way, without them.
I spent most of my time indoors, relying on my boyfriend and friends. I couldn't even go out to the garden without the familiar sights of everyday things triggering  me into how I could never experience those same things again, in the same ways.

'How do I live? How do I breath? When you're not here, I'm suffocating,
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?

When I heard the song today, I sat up and though it retains its powerful vocals in its own right, it just didn't have the same paralysing effect as it did back then. There were no trauma memories evoked, no relating to the lyrics in a heart-wrenching way, relating to the heartbreaking rhetorical questions posed in the chorus, about separation, loss, abandonement.

I suppose I wanted to come write this here because i never would have believed it back then. My mind and emotions seemed intent on urging me my whole life was over, there was no love or happiness to be found anywhere and no progress to be made beyond the painful conclusions back then.
But it wasn't true. The excruciating weight of that pain did lift. It doesn't strangle me anymore.

Healing isn't perfect. It'll never be linear. My entries since 2019 show the up and down nature of it. But, what hearing the song this morning showed me up, overall, the trend is upwards. The waves of pain related to separate trauma DOES lift, it CAN be resolved.
And now the pain associated with this song is just another memory in a past chapter of the healing journey.

Oh this is so great!!!!

I agree with how you describe healing and these moments where you can really see how far you've come are so helpful and joyful.

I managed to move out with minimal stress AND started a new rotation - this time in Psychiatry.
Everything ended up getting sorted really rather quickly and better than I expected. I got a call from a consultant who had seen my CV and said he thought I'd be a great fit for his team, and coincidentally, found a room in a house not too far from the hospital where I'll be working. It was a lovely fortuitous turn of events - everything happened on the same day, oddly enough, and then June just seemed to get better and better from there. The job so far is good, the team are nice and welcoming, and the specialty is Old Age Psychiatry so its quite gentle and slow paced, which I think is ideal for me after my rotation on a VERY busy Stroke unit. The consultant (my biggest worry after experiencing toxic ones) is very sweet - seems like the wise and philosophical kind. We had a long chat about psychiatry, and human behaviour, and suffering, and the adage of 'bad, mad or sad'? and his responses were very thought provoking. I'll be placed here for at least 3 months, but at this rate, I'll probably want to stay much longer.

Therapy is still ongoing too. I'm not sure how exactly its happened, but we've reached a new level where...thoughts and feelings come spiralling out about things I've struggled to feel and put words to. In the last session, he said there was a change in that I wasn't dissociating when talking about early life experiences and my core beliefs - that I am worthless and i deserve to be rejected and abandoned and I am not at all good enough - I was crying and when he asked how i felt when i said i realised this is all because of the incessant message i got from my family, constantly, over and over from my earliest memory, I started bawling and the word 'devastated' immediately came to mind whereas before....when he asked this, I'd get annoyed and snap 'obviously it is horrible, but that's what happened and that's how it is and i don't care' and not really feel anything. He dug around a bit and i told him this time, well i remember the process i used to go through with my mum: when she was being horrible and horrendous I would think she is mean and to be avoided and then she would have few moments where she would switch and be nice and want us to feel sorry for her and I would feel so guilty....but in order to feel one of these sentiments for her, I'd have to switch off another part of myself - the part that is hurt deeply and betrayed by the monster side of her and to do that on a whim and suddenly think of her a since, wold be too much so i'd just switch to 'i'm not thinking about this anymore' and opt out, i.e. not caring...i.e. dissociating? He said that was really helpful to understand this and for me to state it, and that it was a very smart decision back then, and now it is about working towards not needing to do 'splitting' and being comfortable in more grey areas. I think I agree, although I don't really do this internal process with people in my life other than ones who show similar abusive behaviour as my mum - so i want to be careful not to take on his words that I should willingly sit in grey areas with EVERYONE - because in my experience, everyone i used to accept who were abusive loved to prey on the empathetic part of me that would accept their horrible behaviour ;'because they're going through this or that, or because they've been through something horrible' etc etc. Splitting isn't useful for healthy relationships but the problem with abusive relationships - you simply cannot apply healthy skills such as communication, empathy, benefit of the doubt, understanding. They bulldoze over you and leave you cowering in their wake. In abusive relationships, you almost HAVE to employ certain traits associated with personality disorders: abrupt ending and STRICT NO CONTACT, gate-keep your empathy and DO NOT apply it to narcissistic types.
As much I like my therapist, he admitted early on he isn't as familiar with narcissistic family structures and he has been reading about it since, so i am scared he doesn't yet understand the nuances of it. I get the impression sometimes he may be suggesting i accept my mum more 'holistically' rather than the conclusion i've reached, which came after MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING and every effort under the sun to try other avenues...it simply doesn't work. I want him to understand the necessaity of this, my mum will swoop in and ruin an entire life if she detects the slightest hint of empathy. And this isn't me 'splitting' - this is what i've seen her do time and time again to my siblings, father, and few friends who all dropped off over time. Sometimes i get annoyed i didn't get a therapist who is nuancd with all this stuff - Dr Ramani's videos on youtube on the other hand, she understands it down to a T, and i love her approach to place the victim's healing as the most important thing. I might mention this to him next time. Sometimes he seems more 'run of the mill' therapis who understands well  healing tactics for healthy relationships, but not the dangers of applying this whole-sale.

Maybe I'll just print this entry off and show him, haha, though i hope he won't get offended.

Hi holidayay,

I read everything you wrote here the other day, and just wanted to say that I was glad to hear your new rotation is going well, and that you are enjoying it.  I was also interested to hear about the person called Dr Ramani, and I hope to look up those videos - because I think I might also gain some benefit from watching them.  Thank you for mentioning and sharing your experiences.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on July 03, 2022, 05:35:15 PM
Hi holidayay,

I read everything you wrote here the other day, and just wanted to say that I was glad to hear your new rotation is going well, and that you are enjoying it.  I was also interested to hear about the person called Dr Ramani, and I hope to look up those videos - because I think I might also gain some benefit from watching them.  Thank you for mentioning and sharing your experiences.

Hope  :)

Thank you for reading, Hope  :) I hope you find comfort and healing in Dr R's videos, she helped me a lot, especially during my darkest days.

I've felt a bit of progress recently. Getting a bit better at emotional regulation. Asking for help. Feeling my feelings - not completely easily and naturally, but...better than before. Less of the huge flooding as soon as I allow myself to feel anything, and then becoming overwhelmed.

I've realised how so much has changed in the last few years. How the quality of my friendships are so much better. The increase in my confidence, though still variable at times. How I have tried, stumbled, fallen MANY times, and picked myself up and continued.

I still feel unsure of my future at times. Many times, in fact. But at least, I feel less scared. Less fearful and scarcity mindset. A little more hopeful. The direction isn't clear, but that doesn't worry me so much anymore.

I've made a lot of mistakes. As well as bold moves and good decisions. I learnt from every one - good or bad. And I'm still learning.
I wonder how it'll all play out.
Will I get what I want from life, beyond being stuck in paralysis/constant striving to heal?

My head feels so heavy this morning. I had what felt like very busy dreams, filled with emotional spikes and i woke up feel...hypervigilant and adrenalised. My cat was dragging her food bowl around and making lots of noise and i couldn't orientate myself, and got freaked out what the noise might be.
I'm so exhausted this morning and my head is painful all the way around.
Themes kept coming up of minimising myself. How I should and have always tried to take up as little room as possible, say little, don't take up offers that are sweet or helpful so as not to hassle anyone, and always opt for the choice that is least troublesome for others  when asked what I'd like to do. I absolutely had to do that at home, with my family. They would explicitly say so; they would shout, hiss, threaten, demean, insult and mock me if i needed anything that would 'put them out' and dared to express it - and it was just the BARE MINIMUM. They just didn't want to.
Trying to work on this is terrifying. I've had more help in the past few years than ever before, and I'm still adjusting to the confusion and uncertainty of it....is it ok? Are these people who are helping me SURE that they are okay with it - will they be talking about me behind my back, calling me useless, hapless, acopic, a burden, an emotional mess?

I think this is coming up because it has been the next stage of healing I have been trying to consciously tackle. In the little things, and big things. Little things like speaking up at work and not rushing my words to quickly finish and shut up, or asking questions when i need help in case of trying to just find out on my own. Other things like asking for help with moving house, emotional support. Its so scary. My head hurts just thinking about it. My skin feels aggravated and there's a deep falling feeling in the pit of my stomach. It makes me feel a bit sick and heavy.

That nosie would be such a strange thing to wake up to!

I'm sleepy so I don't have much coherent to say but hi, I read, and am sending you support as you work through asking for real-life support. That's hard. Also I appreciate you writing this because this happens so badly with me and you really expressed so well what happens. It is very frustrating because it feels very out of my control amd people always tell me to slow down but I can't.

Quote from: holidayay on July 17, 2022, 10:21:25 AM
Little things like speaking up at work and not rushing my words to quickly finish and shut up

Hi Holidayay,

Hope that your day is ok, as I know you've had a disrupted night with that experience with the noises that the cat was making. 

You're really processing a lot at the moment - as you describe how you're feeling things more - that's such a big thing.  I related to what you said about the minimisation. 

I hope that your facing of all these things feels less terrifying over time.  Sending you a hug of support, if that is ok -  :hug:

Hope  :)

My anxiety is through the roof.
I can't sleep, thoughts are just racing around and around and around.
Its been a terrible past week.
I've gone from lots of shame, anger, depression, helplessness and right back to the harsh inner critic which has been particularly harsh.
My head feels like its constantly pounding.
I wish I could get a good night's rest.

Why do I keep having these big dips? My therapist and everything i've read online say its normal, part of the journey. I feel like I'm just on a constant rollercoaster of instability.
It seems to never end. I am so incredibly tired. And I feel embarrassed this is my life still, a 33 years old.

Now I have to brace myself to go to work and its the last thing I feel like doing...

I think I am now metabolising more of the scarier, deeper things. Its terrifying.
I keep having dreams where scenarios are set up to reignite the worst feellings I had as a child - the earliest feelings. Of being terrified, abandoned, constantly scared of the next verbal attack and shaming, rejection.
My siblings keep popping up in my mind.
Its like they were the junior dictators in the house.
Bullies waiting at home. They were even more scary than my mum. They lacked the inhibition and filters that can come with age. They were cruel and mocking, and so unpredictable when they would flip and launch into anger - either physically, or with threats and nasty name calling. Then they would retale the stories of what they said and did and laugh, over and over and over again. My sister delighted in doing this, or witnessing it and then constantly retelling what she saw and laughing over and over again. She was so vicious.
My dreams were filled with scenarios that copied this. A guy from work taking pictures of me to send to people to highlight how truly ugly and disgusting i was, and i felt the worst of the worst feelings that just seem to scream: WHEN WILL YOU GET IT, YOU ARE UNWORTHY as though...I am not even really human, and deserving of life and dignity.

So much of this is so hard to put words to. When it happens from before i could even speak, its just a feeling, the terrified swirling pit in my stomach and the pounding in the back of my head like I am about to be crushed. Its so exhausting.
I wish I could heal out of this, and not fear this precedent - this underlying constant fear of being rejected and mocked and discovered to be the truly unworthy, unloveable creature they made me feel i am.

Hi holidayay
I don't know the words to say, but I am so sorry you are feeling these things and so sorry they happened.
I hope you can feel safe and present .... but also loveable and worthy!
Sending a supportive hug if you'd like.. i wish i had words  :hug:

Hi Holidayay,
Sending you supportive hugs, if that's ok  :hug:  You've got so much coming up at the moment, and it sounds really tough.  I hope that you are ok.
Hope  :)

 :hug:

I relate to all of that.

My nephew wants to meet up this weekend. He said he and his sisters and their mum (my sister, very abusive and unpredictable, i dont speak to her) are coming to my city for a short break. Immediately my heart started pounding and i felt sick. All visits and meet ups that involved my sister in the past ended up in complete chaos. She doesn't plan and make polite requests or organise the details, she just turns up with entitlement and her own idea of what she'll get out of it. She'll be hooking up with weird guys, making calls to buy marijuana, shouting and ranting if the kids make too much noise, money always seems to be an issue - she either doesn't really let anyone know just how she cant afford what she wants or will go on quests to steal/cheat/try to get money out of guys she meets. ZERO consideration or awareness of the kids, anyone else involved. Zero concern for how ANY of her behaviour affects others and this automatic entitlemtn of babysitting and being available fr her whilst she does her unscrupulus activities. Then, in between all that, she is constantly talking about herself, her endless problems and victimhood and repetive boring cringey stories of what she has done that she thinks everyone should find funny ad amusing when its not. If the kids get boredand interrupt her chain of thought of action plan, she turns dark and angry and screams and shouts. Its disgusting. And breaks my heart to see happen to the kids.
I feel sad  that i am saying no to my nephew but his mother is the despicable bully who terrorised and abused me as a child with a significant age gap between us. I get panic and anxirty just thinking of ever seeing her face again. And how quickly she can induce guilt and shame and feeling sorry for her and forgoing all of my needs, emotions, thoughts. its insanity making. I will not be opening myself up to this, new memories of abuse and terror. There is enough for me to recover from. I cannot save my nephew or anyone else for that matter. I need to save myself.

Wow that's tough. But you are doing exactly the right thing.

Well, this is my second day off in a row.
And I am beginning to feel a teeny bit better.
I also had therapy yesterday, which of course, helps.

I think there are a few positives. I realised this morning I've learnt something - that I can now sense when I have stretched myself too far with work/friends/'doing things' and need to pull back to recharge. It is SO easy to keep soldiering on whilst my body is screaming at me to STOP. When I do that, when I don't listen and don't respect my needs, my dreams amp up to try to alert me. That's what my therapist says about my dreams. That they happen the way they do because its is my inner child trying to alert me and get me to listen.
I've learnt to take a step back when that happens, and get back to myself. Take better care of myself.

I've also seen massive correlations between social media scrolling and bad dreams/bad feelings. I had really gotten into the habit of waking up and immediately scrolling, and any time i wasn't doing anything, or waiting for a bus/train, I automatically turn to my phone for scrolling. So much pictures of supposed bliss and happiness to compare to and feel awful about my own life. So much unnecessary sensory stimuli, constant information leaking into my saddled brain.
I got rid of instagram app yesterday and already feel a little bit better. I don't need to see constant pictures of snapshots of other people's lives, most of whom I don't really speak to.
Its not real. Its a fake world on there. It doesn't serve me at all.

I've got 4 days off now and I will be committing them to looking after myself. Everything has all definitely been too much recently.

And thanks everyone who comments sweet messages after my posts  :grouphug:

Hi Holidayay,
I'm glad that you're feeling a teeny bit better. 

I hope that your 4 days off will be enjoyable, and that you get some rest and recuperation, and anything else that you want/need.  Sending you a hug if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

Its 5am in the morning, and I'm cuddled up in bed with my cat.
Things were very busy the past few weeks. With massive amounts of anxiety, constantly.
I've moved twice. The flat I was living in with my friend was due to undergo renovation, so I moved to a temporary place whilst I found a more long term place. My friend is moving to nearer his university, and i decided to stay in the same area, but in a more desirable part.
I sorted out the last of the unpacking and furniture delivery yesterday.
It has been so stressful. Moving houses is SO much stress, I plan on staying put for a while now.

I've been thinking about the importance of slowing down. For healing, as well as for generally living life a bit healthier, and to feel calmer and more centred. I also deleted the last of my social media accounts. There is something uncomfortable about living in a virtual reality, whilst on a healing path to recovering from a bad distorted reality that CPTSD can make feel so convincing. It feels...twisted and confusing. I feel a big relief...like I am freed.

Next on my agenda is....rest. Lots of it.
Now I am in my own place that is a lovely little flat, I have started enjoying cooking again. I hadn't cooked in 2 months whilst I was at the temporary in-between place. Just eating whatever is fast and convenient and usually, not that healthy. My mood already feels like it is benefiting a bit.
The simple life is incredibly comforting. Yesterday evening, my friend came round and we cooked dinner and watched tv and just chatted. It was SO nice. I am so happy to do things like that, and evenings spent reading, or weekends visiting the countryside.
Back to basics.

So many rushed dreams with lots of emotions in them. It is getting increasingly difficult to ride them out - the stress, panic and triggers all being felt because of the dreams, then I wake up with a hangover of all these feelings. I am SO tired. I wish I could have a restful, full sleep.

I have had a few things to sort out recently and i think the I'm overwhelmed and just needing a break. Sorting out moving houses, then the boiler had an issue, and then found out there is a squirrel nest in my attic so had to call pest control and the damn squirrels were so noisy they kept waking me up at all hours of the night. I feel like I just need a BIG BREAK FROM EVERYTHING. I want to just sit back and relax, with no list of to-dos: 'call this or that person to sort out this or that issue, make sure to stay in between so and so hours for the delivery men to come, send emails to sort out another issue etc etc' - I'd like to just kick back and BREATH.

I am increasingly tired. And my mind if whirring and constantly thinking.

It has just not been an easy couple of weeks and I feel worn down by it all.

Holidayay

Being overwhelmed is awful. I feel your pain on that one.

I'm very sorry that it's hampering your ability to sleep. Nothing is easy when you're sleep deprived. I know because it's after midnight here in Seattle and look at me...another night of total insomnia here too. When I say I feel your pain, trust me...I'm up at midnight feeling your pain of sleeplessness again tonight. I have got so many problems to deal with right now. I can't stop thinking about them. It feels like torture. I know it will get better soon. I hope it gets better for you soon also.

Tonight, I decided to google ways to ease the exhaustion of feeling overwhelmed. Apparently, it's a condition felt by many, many people right now. Most every source of information on the topic that I find on the web says that relief from being overwhelmed is accomplished when I learn to give myself moments of mindfulness. Here's the article I found just before checking in on the forum. It's actually pretty good information, and it makes me want to try a mindfulness moment when I finish this post. https://www.yourpowercenter.com/blog/2017/10/06-3-simple-ways-to-start-being-the-observer . It's a very short article, but it brought me some peace just reading it.

Wish me luck. I'm not good at being quiet. Not good at being still. Meditations require a little help for me. I need some meditation music, or even a 10-minute guided meditation I can do with headphones. Otherwise, my mind can't stay quiet for more than just a few seconds.

Meanwhile, I guess all I can really say for certain is this: I hope you are able to solve one or two of your chaotic problems so you can get some sleep. Good luck to you!  I'm in the same boat and I'm hoping for both of us to get some sleep...sooooon.

Well, pest control man came few days ago and set the traps for the squirrels. I haven't heard them make any noise since before he came so I hope this means they've migrated somewhere else for good.

I've noticed stress build up triggers CPTSD symptoms. When stress hits the overwhelm stage, then its like I'm fully back there again. The heavy emotional dreams with all the feelings of shame, fear, abandonment, rejection, confusing chaotic situations I was often put in as a child.
I'm currently going through that now.
I feel so much shame about my life.
That I didn't know better, sooner. About dysregulation, how to cope better, how to choose better, healthier friends and boyfriends are me...how all this always lead to the bigger problems and reinforced the same issues.
Low self worth, shame, dysregulation - that's the emotional diet I lived off and that dictated how I experienced life. With some periods in between of solace and relief.
But how could I know better? It was impossible. It had been everything I had been taught, repeatedly, from the time I was born.
The feelings of regret that I could have altered the trajectory of my life had I known better, sooner, stings so bad. I feel awful thinking about it. I feel ashamed and regretful.
And the chaotic dreams currently reflect that. The past few nights sleep have been absolutely crammed with scenarios and emotions that reflect this. Like my brain finally understands and is blaring out 'MAKE BETTER CHOICES FOR YOURSELF'. I wish I had learnt about it way sooner. WAY sooner.

Hi Holidayay,
Sounds like you've been processing a lot in your sleep - all those dreams.  I hope you're ok and getting sufficient rest to enable you to do the things you want to do in the daytime.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

I feel so depressed today.
Truthfully, its a day where I don't see the point to life. Everything feels empty and grey and pointless.
I don't even want to feel better. Who cares? It feels like its too late, too much damage done.
I wish I wasn't me.

 :hug:

I hear you, here. I'm glad you are you because you actually seem pretty awesome. But I understand feeling that way and it sucks.

I understand those feelings too holidayay, all of them. When I'm stuck in those feelings it's always really really difficult for me to remember, envisage, believe that those feelings will disappear again. But they do, they really do! They don't last for ever.

If it feels safe for you, I'm sending a caring  :hug:  If not, then I'm just sending care.

Quote from: Armee on September 19, 2022, 05:20:26 PM
:hug:

I hear you, here. I'm glad you are you because you actually seem pretty awesome. But I understand feeling that way and it sucks.

Awww  :'( the last thing I have been feeling is that anyone would think I am pretty awesome, thank you. I kept thinking the whole day I am unworthy and don't have anything to offer and no wonder I am still single, why would anyone want to be with me? I made lots of poor choices.
Seeing your comment made me smile  :)

I feel a lot of similarity between us for some reason. It's hard to see our own strengths and value. But it doesn't mean it's not there. I regularly think I'm a terrible *ty person but I know the actual truth is the opposite. It's just hard to feel that as real when we are EFing.  :grouphug:

I woke up from very vivid dreams, yet again. Disturbing dreams involving my family.
I've been ignoring feelings I have which make me angry that I feel them. Last week, I had distinct feelings of missing some of my family, of missing parts of the past. It feels weird and confusing to me but sometimes I miss the version of 'love' and 'home' that i understood it to be back then; not because i like the abuse or want it to continue, but because....as a child, I made a home within what society and the world told me should be my home and family. I found warmth in the little nooks, i felt love for family members as i understood it to be back then and for it all to just be turned upside down and inside out and to not see the same people, or live life the same way....and to just keep realising more and more everyday how NOTHING of what i was taught was 'love' or 'family' is so much to take and a tough pill to swallow. Its so hard to keep re-learning every tiny part of life that was taught so terribly wrong the first time round.
I don't mourn the abuse.
But I mourn the automatic feeling of \normal' when i didn't question everything quite as much. I miss knowing the parameters within which i could try to build my own sense of inner home and i miss some of the little good things,,,like my sisters and eating dinners together, watching movies, going to visit my sister in her home she had bought with her boyfriend and going for walks around the fields....

I didn[t want to face these feelings coming up last week but i really bloody missed those little few moments from my past. The moments of little nooks of home i'd find in library corners, or in my bedroom with a book, or visiting my sister, or always being able to call on my other sister for a chat and a vent/giggle.
I miss the false illusion of home i had to believe in - it was false but it was still an illusion.
I miss familiarity. I miss continuinty.
I'm sick of change, new faces, new homes, new roots to be setting down, new happiness to try to be found.
Its absolutely exhausting.

I'm sorry.  :grouphug:

hi holidayay
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. It resonates with me as well
Sending a supportive, caring hug if you'd like  :hug:

A girl at work who has been so kind and lovely to me, told me some things that I am not sure what to make of.
I confided in her that I felt some ladies at work seemed to have developed an approach of wanting to undermine me, but I don't know why. For example, a patient's relative bought me flowers to say thank you and my senior consultant just gave this forced smile and walked away, not saying anything, when I told her. On other occasions, she simply ignores me when I talk or message her or takes my suggestions and then puts them forward as her own(!) after refusing to acknowledge the same input I say to her!

The girl who is kind to me responded by saying she hadn't wanted to say anything sooner because she didn't want me to think she was stirring the pot but that basically lots of staff members really like working with me and think I am a kind doctor and that I am 'beautiful' and a 'head-turner' and that the women I felt were undermining me don't like this, and feel competitive and annoyed by this!
Now, as many of you with CPTSD can testify to - self-image is VERY poor when you come from the background I come from, so I was absolutely shocked. I don't relate those positive things about myself at all - both on the physical front and internally. Most days I have horrible thoughts that I look awful, ugly, my features are unattractive, and that I am not as good as other doctors, that I am undeserving, and don't have a good character nor am I deserving of respect so to hear all of this, just stuns me.
She told me in depth that she was so happy when she found out I was to be stationed at her site with her, that she and others can 'just feel' my goodness and that i really care about others, and that other people comment that I am lovely, kind and compassionate. She said she feels I am 'real' and that when she witnessed things the mean girls were doing/saying behind my back to sabotage me, that she became exasperated and when she spoke up, she was told by one of them to 'just leave it!' and stop talking about it. She said the culture amongst those women is that they are all shady and try to make others look bad so they can get ahead and that it gets very toxic.
I liked her from the beginning before I knew any of this, she was always so dedicated to her patients and always willing to help and it makes me so sad for her that she has had to go through this. We chatted for a good two hours and she kept telling me that I make a wonderful doctor and colleague, and that people feel drawn to talk to me because I give off an impression of caring, empathy and understanding and that i am 'the full package' with the character, intelligence and looks.
Then another colleague texted me on a separate occasion to ask if the well-known mean consultant is jealous of my fan following and when I asked her what she meant she said 'it took you so quick to fit in and be liked, people like you and listen to you, its remarkable to see, please carry on being who you are'.

I never heard anything remotely positive growing up so it feels so alien and so kind of them to say. I was starting to feel really triggered, anxious and panicked when the mean ladies were doing their behaviour that I started spiralling into crucifying my character with thoughts of how useless, shameful and stupid I am, that I am an embarrassment that to hear these kind words just made all of it melt away.
Luckily though, its come to the end of my placement in this speciality and now I am moving onto another speciality but not before first having an extended break, which I am very excited about.
I hope this is positive feeling stays for a bit longer, at least...

Holidayay

I resonate for sure with your poor self-image. I can't even look in mirrors in public because I think I'm too ugly. Others say I'm not ugly. But I say I am.  I know now that I really am a kind and compassionate person, because so many people have told me that I am. But at first, I didn't believe them. I thought they were placating me. Or worse; in my family whenever I got a compliment it was for the purpose of buttering me up. They wanted something from me, so they groomed me with compliments so they could more easily take something from me in return. I always said that in my family, if they gave me a candy bar, I'd find out later I owed them a steak dinner. Every kind thing they ever said or did for me was a prelude to taking more from me than they'd given.  Sociopaths! And when I was younger, I worked in a restaurant and lounge. I was a straight male, but I was also slender, clear skin, thick hair, and very kind and quick to smile. People often misread my signals. I was being friendly. But I still had a lot of men say kind things to me, only to later be invited to their house for the night. I never took up any of their offers, but it led me to a long life of being suspicious about people who were complimenting me.

When you talk about how the other doctors are trying to undermine you out of jealousy, it makes me think about the path that Narcissists and Sociopaths take in life. According to Dr. Martha Stout of Harvard University, 4% of all humans are born sociopaths. That's 1 in every 25 people. But when you look at careers that attract them, such as chefs, surgeons, clergy, politicians, lawyers, law enforcement, etc, the saturation is much denser. She says that about 30% of all business leaders, doctors, ministers, etc, are sociopaths. Then she says that about 50% of all prisoners are sociopaths.  In other words, they are attracted to positions of power so they can tell other people how to live their lives.

The thing about the medical profession is that it not only attracts sociopath power mongers, but it also attracts the opposite; empathic, caring people. So in your profession, your peers might be more polarized than in other professions. I was in aeronautical engineering for most of my career, and I found that most my peers were average people, with a few sociopaths and a few empaths sprinkled in. But I'll bet in the medical field, it's more like most people are either empathic like you, there because you truly care about other people, or sociopaths who are there because it excites them to tell people how to live their lives, and they get their jollies whenever they get to say "Yes. I'm a doctor."

I really hate sociopaths. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I'm sorry you are dealing with so many of them. But at the same time I'm happy to see that you are also working wtih a number of very empathetic, compassionate people as well.

I like to recommend to everyone to take a look at Dr Stout's Book: The Sociopath Next Door. It really helped me. I felt like it opened my eyes and gave me the superpower to be able to spot sociopaths as if they had a spotlight shining on them. It also helped me to get better at dealing with them.  In your profession, you're likely to meet a whole lot more of them.

Resonate too, with the sheer shock of being not only ok but liked on multiple levels. I believe it for you but know how strangely disconcerting it is to have your conviction of your own self image be turned upside down.

Hi Holidayay,
It's nice that your colleague has told you those things - and I hope that your positive feelings carry through and you feel that much deserved positivity. 

Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

Its been a very busy few days. I had to complete lots of online modules and update evidence for my online appraisal, and finally got the bulk of it done yesterday. We have to do it once a year and it is just not a very fun experience, lots of tedious paperwork and reflections. After I was done,  I felt like I had used up the very last drop of energy in me, that was pushing back against the burn out that has been rumbling under the surface for the past few years.

I. am. spent.

I am so glad my psychiatry post has now finished. I had nothing else to give. The problem is, now I am so burnt out, when I suddenly stop and have free time, its like where on earth do I even BEGIN, to start replenishing my energy and feeling like myself again? Or feeling like the NEW ME, the one who isn't chronically stressed, depleted, low self esteem, depressed, unsure, full of shame, full of self-doubt...

My sleeps have been filled with dreams of my last consultant. Her passive aggressive ways. The dream was about another doctor who wanted maternity leave, a girl I knew from many years ago who loved to bad mouth others and went on to become a urologist, then to work in pharmaceutical medicine (or so linkedin tells me). The consultant  was frowning down upon this. I spoke up and my consultant got angry with me and went into a silent rage before saying 'that doctor doesn't like you anyway, you know, why are you speaking up' and I replied, 'because whether she likes me or not, its about my belief in the moral value of the situation and without that, with me staying quiet now to save face, sooner or later, it'll be me in the firing line'. She alternated in the dream between storming away and seething at me with words that suggested my references and credibility would be at risk if I continued to stand up against her.

I am so very tired of it. Unsupportive, callous, cold consultants who seem to be on a power trip and use the power yielded by the hierarchy to use me and others underneath them as an emotional punching bag. 'I had it rough so now its MY turn to pass it on and get my vengeance'. I can't bear it.

I feel pretty depressed and forlorn this morning. Hopeless. My dreams feel very far away.

My friend texted me some links to writing courses, though. I love writing. That has always been a constant, since I was 5 years old. It gave me an identity from an early age when all the adults in my life failed me. I want to explore these courses but I am scared....writing is still a sacred, untouched passion. Untouched by the perils of capitalism, or the sting of rejection, or even...the cold, hard reality of life. What if I take it out of its sacred space, into the glare of reality, and it becomes a source of pain and hurt and no longer the one constant salvation in my life? My friends keep urging me to write, even just for myself. Not for anyone else to read, or to utilise as any source of income, but for it just to be for me. My own expression.
I just don't know.
I've lost so many things I once found so sacred, and I can't bear to go through that again.

Maybe just write a little on your own, as a test, to see how it feels? Given how you feel right now I would probably think about staying away from classes till you feel yourself out a little.

I tried pushing past that comfort point with something sacred to me feeling strong enough to try and it shut down something I love. Tread lightly, tread safely....but it's OK to tread.

It seems cruel that becoming a doctor is so exhausting before you even start. That system has to change.  :grouphug:

I am so sad today. Not angry, or depressed, or numb.

Unbelievably sad. I miss my family, i miss my sister, i miss parts of the past.
I just want to go back to the period of 2012-2017. Before everything blew up, before I felt like I had to really face up to everything, and the sham of pretending i had an okish family couldn't hold up any longer.

I cried several times today. I felt the sadness in all my pores.

My sister, who i cared for deeply, who did not show the same care in return and we parted ways, i am sad for her. For all her sadness and that she may feel alone. I know I do. I used to try my best to take care of her. I haven't even seen her in a few years now.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I have gone from sadness to extreme anxiety over the last 5 days. The anxiety crept up and built up to a huge level, to the point where I couldn't stop catastrophising, having racing thoughts and being very hard on myself for being a failure. It wouldn't let up until finally earlier this evening! I had a quick chat with an old friend from medical school, went for a walk and then did some cleaning and sat with my friend to watch netflix and finally felt calm again.

Therapy is on hold for another week, last week I did a last-minute shift to make sure I have some income this month, so I couldn't make the appointment, then got into an argument with my therapist when i tried to cancel and next week he is on holiday. Therapy is irritating me these days, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Yes, yes, all part of the process, etc. I'm just irritable.

But at least I now feel calm again. I'm really glad about that. I've found watching youtube vlogs of 'influencers' (the ones that focus on mental halth) can be quite relaxing, its like watching somebody else's normality and chit-chatting about their lives brings an element or ordinary calmness, or something. Not sure, can't articulate myself well tonight.

Hi Holidayay,
You articulated really well (in my opinion) - just wanted to say that. 

Glad you've reached some calm again, after all that extreme anxiety you had.

Hope that today is a nice one.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on October 17, 2022, 02:16:28 PM
Hi Holidayay,
You articulated really well (in my opinion) - just wanted to say that. 

Glad you've reached some calm again, after all that extreme anxiety you had.

Hope that today is a nice one.

Hope  :)

Thanks Hope :)

I went away to x2 sunny islands for 5 days last week. My friend and I just went for it, booked the tickets on a whim a few weeks ago, as they were very cheap.
It was pretty good to get away. The sunshine was amazing, the beaches stunning, and the local wines and food so tasty.
I came home and cried and cried. So many emotions had come up. Thoughts of family, cost of living crisis, feeling burnt out from working in healthcare..I cried for so long. I feel better for it.
After that release, I called the energy company to fix an issue with my latest bills, and completed some other errands that were on my to-do list.

And now, I have my appraisal today, wish me luck. Its a once-yearly requirement, so hopefully if it all goes well, I'm good to go and have nothing else nerve-wracking requiring my attention.

Hopefully all focus can just be on my healing and processing after this.....

My appraisal went so well! My appraiser was so lovely, positive, encouraging and helpful. Gave me so much useful pointers and tips and said my work and feed back were all really positive.
I am so pleased I didn't give up. Now I am free of any further big stressors, at least for a while!

The dreams are back but I feel I will slowly get better at handling them. They're pretty intense right now, taking me back to moments when I didn't have a single person to confide in when i was a child, with the overwhelming, lonely feeling and complete emptiness. I'm taking more time off to look after myself and have been spending lots of time with blankets and my cat, watching my favourite comfort TV.
I've started having a more positive feeling, like a small vibe that things are going to get better, for some reason. It gives me so much hope.

I feel awful. Like I am supposed to live in this familiar place of terror, anxiety, self-hatred and fear.
Its been 2 weeks on non-stop, freaky, scary dreams.
I tried to fight it at first and continue, carry on working, carry on seeing friends. And it just hasn't worked.
Yesterday I felt very dissociated. Today I woke up from the nightmares and couldn't go in to work, i just couldn't.
I've rang my GP and I'm seeing them at 11 today.

I feel so depressed and anxious.

I feel like I've slowly spiralled and now I feel hopeless. What's the point in anything?
Life never seems to get better for too long.
I'm just alone, i feel so alone.
I have no idea what to do with myself until the doctor's appointment. I can't even face brushing my teeth. I can't get up, out of bed. Its all too much. I feel like a huge failire. Utter failure.

I'm sorry you feel so awful holidayay. It's always hard for me to reach the knowledge that it will get better again when I'm in that dark lonely place. But it really does.

You're not a failure! That's your Inner Critic speaking. you're also not alone in not being able to get out of bed or brush your teeth. It's OK to just stay in bed until it's time to go to your GP. Gentle hugs if helpful :hug:

Dear Holidayay,
I am terribly sorry to hear what you are going through. Sometimes our mental health deteriorates quite suddenly and we can't quite explain why we feel so incredibly anxious and lonely when we have actually been okay before, but I just wanted to say that I understand how depressing this might feel.
Our traumatic childhood experiences have taught us to constantly blame ourselves when things go wrong but to me it is very clear that you are not a failure. You have made it so far even with all the things that happened in the past and that alone is an incredible achievement. You are here, you are breathing, you are fighting, and you are continuing to face day after day even when life is hard - that shows how amazingly strong you are.
I appreciate how hard it is to accept yourself in these moments when you are just overwhelmed by anxiety and depression, but I just want to say that when I hear about your struggles I just see a wonderful, kind, strong person that is doing their very best despite everything they have suffered in life.
You matter and your feelings matter and I hope you can be gentle with yourself in these difficult times.
I am here to listen if you want to talk more about how you are feeling but, of course, I understand that talking about your emotions and all your pain might be too overwhelming right now.
At any rate, I hope you can find a way to get through this somehow and I send you all the strength possible.
Gentle hugs if you want them :hug:

You are not a failure. You aren't. Terrible awful things were done to you and you fight to survive them everyday. Right now your brain is begging for help healing, that's all. The nightmares are really hard. I'm sorry that is happening to you. Can you try stepping outside, just to feel a different sensation? I've been there, it sucks. But you are not a failure. Even if you have to take a break. I had to leave work because it was too much. I know you don't think I am a failure because I couldn't anymore.

Thank you so so much for your replies, they have helped so incredibly much to penetrate through the tough inner critic. The compassion I receive on here is just so wonderful, and remarkable considering i imagine most of you also experience this difficult pain.

The GP was a wonderful lady today. Sat and listened and asked questions, gave me time, not a rushed 10 minute affair. She asked the right questions that guided me to understanding the process; that there is a trigger point, and we have to focus on what helps to get through these episodes when triggered, and to identify the triggers that cause this spiral and how to mitigate against them as I go through the healing process.

I came out feeling so heard and seen, and then I texted my friends in a more assertive way to really convey how i feel instead of feeling shameful or shying away. And that helped too. And then I went for a walk and saw a really funny scene of lots of pigeons, stood up in neatly in rows of their own accord, as though they had somehow organised themselves, which made me giggle.

My friend encouraged me to sign up for a writing class, too - after the GP asked me if I'd ever consider writing my story as she thinks its inspirational! I've always loved writing so i went ahead and booked it for a few weeks time. It'll be a new experience, more creative than my regular job and i think might be good for me.

In the meantime, its really helpful to see the responses of being kinder to myself as my brain is trying to heal...so that's what i'll work on now. Just being kinder, eating more healthy nourishing food and going for the little walks. Baby steps again.

Thank you all, for replying, it means so so much  :grouphug:

Good to know you were heard by GP and that you're feeling better. I love that you got a giggle over the pigeons. That kind of thing bucks me up too :)  at least if I've got back to a point where I can appreciate it.

Hi all, hope everyone has been keeping well in the lead up to christmas. Its not always an easy time, is it? For me, I feel like I've 'given up' on anything festive. Which is different compared to the first 10 years after leaving home when i was so excited to create a new life and new traditions. I was very creative, did lots of different things every year for christmas.
Since losing my sister and friends from the past however, for the past few years, I've lost that enthusiasm. Its felt like: what is the point? I already experienced a childhood with miserable holidays, tried everything afterwards to redo that and it worked for a while and now I can't be bothered to do a new renaissance of it all. Which is self-defeating, I know. I have been contemplating getting a small christmas tree, to start small, again, baby steps? Its like I have to redo and learn through trial and error on everything and i am tired of re-learning.

I have also had recently another episode of 'emptiness'. I never really understood this when i was younger, iI just knew it came on every so often as complete emptiness, nothingness, almost death-like feeling. I read on here in another of the sub forums its called 'abandonement depression' and somebody linked an article by Pete Walker about it that blew my mind with its accuracy. I really like his material, it is so accessible in a reader-friendly way. I had really sunk into the depression in the last few days, same as when i did when i was a kid, isolating myself and getting swept up in the feelings and thoughts. I didn't even want to leave the house so i asked my therapist if we could have our session yesterday via Zoom and he agreed, and was really kind. I didn't want to talk at all, at the beginning of it, I just wanted to hide. But, it really did help.
This morning, I've cleaned up my flat and lit some candles, and got a hot water bottle. Its really cold here in the UK, and a bit gloomy, but I think a bit of cosiness always helps and can make winter enjoyable, too. I think every season has its appreciable things, if i allow myself to dip into them, as well as the downsides. Its much better than allowing the downsides to feed into susceptibility to low moods and misery, I think.

I'm thinking of going for a small run, too. I always forget how useful natural endorphins can be to blow off the cobwebs. I went for a walk yesterday, despite REALLY not wanting to, and I must say, I had increased energy by the end of it.

Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts today. Its not been an easy few weeks, but I'm learning to be proud of myself and not feed my brain with extreme criticism and shame. I managed to work quite a bit of extra shifts, and enjoyed them too, and my juniors said they really enjoyed working with me, which was lovely to hear. I've now saved up a bit of money as a result and feel proud of myself for taking care of myself to ensure I can feel safe and have resources. I read somewhere a long time ago 'do something today that your future self will thank you for' and that always stuck with me, when I went for things that i may not have particularly felt like doing at the time. Taking on the extra shifts using this mentality was really helpful, when i get paid and i can put the money into savings, it makes the morning blues on the days  i wake up early to go to work just fade into the background - though it feels so real and debilitating, feelings really are just transient and not a reflection of things so i'm proud of myself for not giving into them and responding in the negative ways they urge me to when i have them - shame myself, isolate myself, sabotage myself, give up on myself, not do the things that will enrich my life.

Wishing everyone a happy holidays and a gentle christmas to us all  :grouphug:

Holidayay,
I am so sorry that you have been struggling with bouts of abandonment depression recently, I know how hard it is to cope with this overwhelming sense of emptiness and dread. It requires immense strength to reach out of this death-like state and I think you're really brave to still continue to persist at work and seek the help from your therapist.
When this happens to me I tend to just hide away from others and sabotage myself but I hope that I can learn from you and take a little bit better care of myself, especially as Christmas approaches.
So far, I have always coped reasonably well with the Christmas season. I didn't necessarily like it because it made me very much aware of all the drama within my family and there have been many nasty arguments, but this is the first time that I am actually scared of what the next few weeks are going to bring.
At least, it's good to know that I don't have to go through this completely on my own and that there are people like yourself out there who understand how difficult this time of the year can be
Thanks for making me feel less alone with this

Hi Holidayay,
I hope you enjoy your run, if you decide to do one.  I know you enjoyed the walk, and it was nice that you had more energy as a result of that - and kudos to you for doing it, when you didn't necessarily feel like it beforehand.  I think that's great.

Wishing you the best for the holidays and hoping that you have some nice experiences during those times.

Hope  :)

Quote from: milkandhoney11 on December 09, 2022, 12:25:46 PM
Holidayay,
I am so sorry that you have been struggling with bouts of abandonment depression recently, I know how hard it is to cope with this overwhelming sense of emptiness and dread. It requires immense strength to reach out of this death-like state and I think you're really brave to still continue to persist at work and seek the help from your therapist.
When this happens to me I tend to just hide away from others and sabotage myself but I hope that I can learn from you and take a little bit better care of myself, especially as Christmas approaches.
So far, I have always coped reasonably well with the Christmas season. I didn't necessarily like it because it made me very much aware of all the drama within my family and there have been many nasty arguments, but this is the first time that I am actually scared of what the next few weeks are going to bring.
At least, it's good to know that I don't have to go through this completely on my own and that there are people like yourself out there who understand how difficult this time of the year can be
Thanks for making me feel less alone with this

You are most definitely not alone in this, and I'm so glad my post helped you. Here is the article on managing the emptiness that comes with the abandonement depression that really helped me:

https://www.eastbaytherapist.org/article-blog/849536

It really is such a terrible feeling. I'd say the worst of all the different facets of CPTSD.

I've slowly come out of it over the last few days, but my god, when it was there, it felt like it would be forever and there is no hope at all.

I did something else today guys, quite a big step for me - I started sharing my story on youtube! Anonymously, and I don't have any kind of following or anything like that, I just had this sudden urge to start verbalising it and sharing it when i went for my morning run. My friend had been telling me for a few years now that it would be really great and it suddenly felt right today. I wasn't even nervous, and actually, once I got talking, I couldn't stop. I hope it helps in my healing but also, just to put it out there for other people who have experienced such a thing and to have someone to relate to, I know I wished I had more videos like that when i first started on my healing journey. So proud of myself :)

Quote from: Hope67 on December 09, 2022, 07:41:05 PM
Hi Holidayay,
I hope you enjoy your run, if you decide to do one.  I know you enjoyed the walk, and it was nice that you had more energy as a result of that - and kudos to you for doing it, when you didn't necessarily feel like it beforehand.  I think that's great.

Wishing you the best for the holidays and hoping that you have some nice experiences during those times.

Hope  :)

Thank you so much, I went for the run today for over an hour and loved it :)

I've woken up from such horrible dreams consistently depicting people ignoring my pain and injuries, people i loved, even when i am screaming and showing them my injuries.
I'm trying to not shame myself but i really don't know how to soothe myself this morning. I felt depressed and sad.
I don't want to get out of bed, really.
The cold weather is not making it better. I really dislike the winter months with the short days. It makes it harder to summon up the will to do anything.

Ugh, I hate that feeling. I had a horrible dream last night as well, a recurring one that I haven't had for a long time. 

A few things that work for me to get out of a morning funk - a warm cup of something (I prefer coffee) and a cozy tv show, wrapped up in a blanket, trying to regulate breathing and distract my thoughts with the show.

Hoping your day turns out great!

 :hug:

Sharing your story on youtube is a very big step. Wow.

I hear how heavy life feels right now. The cold weather makes it more difficult for me too. I'm impressed that you got outside for a walk. Maybe I'll try to do that tomorrow whether I feel like it or not.

Hi Holidayay,
Wishing you the best for 2023, and hope it's a positive year with some nice things in it.

:hug:
Hope  :)

Happy new year everyone! Thank you for your replies.

Do people find unexpected emotions come up during the holiday periods?
I really felt that this year. Usually, I can sort of predict what situations will trigger me, but this one really took me by surprise. I'm not sure what I was expecting, I don't think I was expecting anything, actually.
23rd December, my friend drove us to our old town - another friend of mine had said I could stay at her place and after spending the evening together, it would be free from christmas eve to the 27th. An old colleague of mine was hosting a big dinner on christmas day for all the doctors who can't go home, so I thought I'd go to that.
Instead, after intially enjoying an evening with my friend on the 23rd, I started feeling very depressed and rapidly declined. Dreams were horrendous, I had sleep paralysis and the 'exploding head syndrome' (loud bang in my head as i fall asleep) and constant, racing thoughts. It was so awful. I don't know how it came on so suddenly and so quickly, and just completely engulfed me. I ended up cancelling on the christmas dinner, and spent much of the 24th, 25th and 26th just scrolling through social media, trying to block it all out. Not looking after myself at all. I ate utter junk, didn't shower and felt so miserable and anxious at the same time. I was able to see a good friend on the evening of the 26th before leaving late at night and coming back home. I had a work shift the next day, which was okay, and since then I've felt the hangover of whatever that weird episode was over the christmas period.

My dreams have been so heavily emotional. Horrible scenes of me being unwell, suffering with freaky dental problems (i won't go into detail and potentially scare people reading this!) and having my previous colleague who was very unsympathetic to patients turning up as the doctor who would treat me and me freaking out and begging for anybody else.
I really don't know what to do with all the emotions as the result of all of this. Therapy started up again after 2 weeks' break and it really isn't helpful to have gone so long without therapy. I get they want their holidays but my patients don't suddenly have their treatment stopped to accommodate for 2 weeks' holiday for the treatment provider, so why should it be any different with us? I feel like the suffering went to unnecessarily high levels without the support and now I have to work to come back down to any kind of baseline. Its so maddening to me why there's constant messages of 'no support for you' available so readily for us, inadvertently or not. My nervous system doesn't really respond to festive holidays, I feel like I have lived in a war zone the past few weeks.

Its not fair. What is supposed to just be a straightforward few days seeing family and friends becomes an unnecessary cauldron of terror, depression and darkness. I believe the UK society is one of scarcity and lacking in community too; people don't really invite each other over so much unless its 'close family' and even then, from what i hear, there's always some sort of weird passive aggressive behaviours or other such toxicity. My parents' heritage is Middle Eastern, where I grew up observing the other side - people in that community would consider celebrations for everybody - the more the merrier - there was always more food than there were people to feed, and kids running around, and its harder to feel so stuck in your own thoughts. I wish I'd had a different Middle Eastern mum who hadn't ruined all of this.
Anyway....I'm feel pretty negative and despondent now. Quite scared, nervous and hopeless. Again. I don't know how many more times I can get through these hideous cycles. It feels treacherous. Especially in the winter - with the gloomy, dark exterior seemingly confirming the tempting dark thoughts of anxiety and depression. I can't wait until January is over, already.

Not a very positive new year's message at all, I know.
Nevertheless, I'm holding onto the hope that this always passes and wishing you all a happy new year. Hope you all had at least some rest during the holidays :)

I'm sorry your holiday break turned out so triggering... I've definitely had bouts of flashbacks around the holiday seasons.  It's almost as if the mind keeps some of these things in storage until we have a few days away to unleash on us.

Hoping you're able to navigate your way through it and find some positive energy on the other side!

I'm very anxious today.
My dreams keep bringing up new scenarios now. Therapist says this is good progress, that my brain is 'working through things'.
The dreams have emotions that are so exhausting, however. I dreamt today of my very mean mum - trying to bond with me, stroking my hair, asking why i don't talk to her about anything. I was anxious and my heart was pounding the whole time in the dream, I could feel the rush of the cognitive dissonance thoughts that i could never actually say to her - the times i did, she would erupt in fury and it would be WW3 and then I'd face that dark loneliness all over again. I so wanted to trust in her and believe in her in the dream, but my nervous system said otherwise. I've been awake about about 15 mintes since this dream and my heart is still pounding, i feel sick and my stomach is doing flips - my mind facing.
I don't trust her, that's why. To me, she is danger. That;s how my nervous system registers her. And he confusion of trying to disbelieve my body and my reactions and my thoughts to just switch into a different trust state with her, is not authentic at all. I don't remember a single moment in my whole life where i trused her. Even from my earliest memories, i remember feeling frightened and anxious of her.

Yesterday my dream was about my sister, who always wanted me to listen and help her but who would want no part in my life when i needed help. I felt such loneliness and despair when she would behave like that. In my dream, I had had enough and when she started disappearing to not listen to me, i followed her and her partner and told them i would not leave until they heard me out. That they needed to sit and listen and understand - that they should close their pictures and imagine what it is was like - as a detailed doing the same behaviour to them as they did to me. Again, in the dream i felt distraught, abanoned, depressed and lonely, with my heart pounding - and i woke up with a hangover of the same feelings. I was able to ring a friend and talk it through, which was helpful.  and i'm trying to remember my therapist's words that my brain never wants to harm me, but is doing everything it can to protect and help me to heal - but in having these dreams, showing m these images, i am reliving the pain and misery and terror all over again and it feels brutal on my nervous system.

I haven't been able to do much the past few days as a result. I ran myself a bath and lit some candles yesterday, which was nice. I walked to the shop to get myself some nice food. Did a bit of cleaning here and there, when i could. Did a laundry cycle and hung up the clothes. Replied to some life admin emails. Cleaned up my cat's litter and made sure she was well fed. And then just mostly read, and slept. I've been sleeping a lot as i just feel so, so exhausted, all the time. I wonder if the weather and season is contributing to this - January is definitely my least favourite month. I'm already counting down the days until its over.

I have some more cleaning left to do and plans to go for drinks with friends later. Right now, it feels impossible. But I know I will feel better for it. Its just getting there that will be tricky, and motivating myself to get up and get ready. My therapist says we have identified connection always helps me, even though it feels scary to go towards it. So I'm trying to remember these words. But oh boy, it does feel big and scary to get up and do anything right now.

I feel fully anxious, and depressed, as i did when i was young and helpless. I know I am safe now, I am not where i was, its a different time and I'm no longer in danger. My friends are really good at repeating this to me now. I'm lucky i have such understanding friends. I just wish the journey would start getting easier, and stay easier for a longer period of time than brief moments of relief.

The anxiety has subsided a bit, and the depression taken over. I haven't done much in the past 2 days at all. Mostly overslept, overate...and not really much else. I haven't had the will to bring myself to push against it. I did manage to go to a GP appointment and my therapy appointments yesterday, actually, which I guess I should be proud of, considering how low and hopeless i felt.
January being my least favourite month isn't helping, Its so gloomy, and dark. I need more sunlight and sunshine.
I had enough this evening and pushed myself to go out with a friend to check out a venue in a really nice area near to me, for her fiance's birthday next week. I so didn't want to leave the house at all, but managed it in the end. It wasn't easy, i felt pretty miserable on the bus with lots of dark, hopeless thoughts. But getting out did help it lift, a little bit. We had a drink and some nibbles and the venue was really lovely. Stayed for 2 hours and was happy to get back, the change of scene somehow definitely makes being home a bit better compared to just staying here and festering.
I'm hoping tomorrow i won't just stay in bed all morning and have multiple naps, but actually leave the house. My friend from work and i said we might hop on the train go check out a really nice area tomorrow where some of the Royals live, I think that might be nice. Blow off some cobwebs. Though I am worried I'l drag along with me my dark cloud of depression.

I can't wait for this month to be over and for Spring to slowly appear again.....

Hi Holidayay,
Sending you a hug  :hug:  Spring is hopefully on the way - will slowly appear and I know you're looking forward to that.  Glad you enjoyed some time with your friend checking out the venue, and hope that if you do go to the other place, that it's enjoyable too. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug:

I did drag myself out to the day out yesterday. We went to see the castle where Meghan Markle got married. It was nice, the town was very beautiful, but I couldn't really shrug off the dark grey cloud. I tried to get on with it as best I could, went with a colleague and he is nice and friendly, we had some Indonesian food which is new for me, never tried it before. Everything tastes somewhat bland and grey though, just like my mood. Its getting so hard to shake off. We watched a cutesy disney film when we got back and I tried out my new air fryer - have had it for a few months but felt this weird overwhelm whenever i looked at it, that it would be a lot of energy and brain power to figure out how to use it. Actually, it was really easy and works pretty well. Felt tired enough at the end of the day to go to Bed without too much room for racing thoughts and anxiety, and did pretty well to sleep until 8.30am...usually i'm awake by 5 or 6 these days. As soon as I woke up, it was back to that heavy feeling of depression again. It starts to feel like the cycle starts all over again, and just as I get through another day, the next morning restarts it all over again. Its 2pm now and I've not done much today...mostly stayed in bed scrolling on social media, made a lousy breakfast. At least I brushed my teeth. And fed my cat. I guess that's a few wins?

I can't bear to be in my own head so I'm now trying to summon up the will to go outside and sit in the park which is just a 20 second walk from my home....why does it all feel so overwhelming and like SUCH HARD WORK. Really don't want to do anything. But don't want to do nothing either, haha. Just want to feel a bit better.

I'm rambling a lot here. Bit of a depressing read. Journalling on here is one of the few things that helps though. Feel like I'm letting people down by being miserable for quite a few days now but its just a journal, im reminding myself. The aim isn't to get people here to read and enjoy it. People don't even have to read it. Its just an outlet.
Guess its my inner demons making me feel like a failure and ashamed and a burden on everyone. Urgh.

Hey Holidayay!

Do I understand that mood!  That heavy weight that just seems to add its difficulty to everything, but at the same time you don't want to let on that you're in a bad mood so you do your best to try to bear it and do normal things, but that just delays and/or makes it worse.

Hoping this next week is better!

Quote from: CrackedIce on January 16, 2023, 05:38:13 AM
Hey Holidayay!

Do I understand that mood!  That heavy weight that just seems to add its difficulty to everything, but at the same time you don't want to let on that you're in a bad mood so you do your best to try to bear it and do normal things, but that just delays and/or makes it worse.

Hoping this next week is better!

YES. You've put it so well there! And it really does make it worse.
I ended up spilling the truth to my friends yesterday and it felt like a weight lifted, and it was really lovely that all of them wanted to call/meet up to talk about it. It wasn't straightaway fixed, but it took the burden of pretending off my shoulders, and today I woke up feeling much better. Already out of bed, had a hot bath, coffee and will meet my friend later. And...however i feel, I'm going to try to just let it be and not fight it/shame it/try desperately to figure it out and go in circles in my head. Its all fruitless.
One thing I do know, exercise - even a gentle walk, can really help things moving. But I will also validate that when its REALLY bad, that can be hard if not impossible to do.
Here's to a fresh new week  :cheer:

Happy Saturday everyone.

It's my good friend's surprise birthday party today, and I am actually excited. Think I might be emerging from my depressive episode occurring from end of December until a few days ago.
I thought about how and why it happened. And I realised I've reached a point in my life where isolation no longer serves me, as it did when i lived with unpredictable, dangerous people. Now, it mainly makes me depressed and start spiralling and overthinking.
So, for the past week, I made a conscious effort to leave the house at least once a day. I saw friends more often, spoke to others on the phone who lived further away, went out to a coffee shop to be around others in general, and went out for dinner/drinks in the evenings. It really is a gap that needed filling. They say depression can crop up to highlight to us what is missing or needed in our lives, and I feel like this was the case here, and when I listened to what it was trying to tell me, it lifted.

Oh, and I got a message from a recruiter saying a new consultant is interested in my CV. I've been doing flexible work for the past 4 months, with the intention of focusing more on healing. It was very liberating and helpful to work on my own terms, although it comes with the downsides of having to be more proactive about my finances and making sure i earned enough every month. This call came at a right time, and quite an ideal offer - i met with th consultant for a chat and she seemed lovely And its very close to where i live so - hurrah! No miserable winter commutes. And  the hours are very reasonable. So I think this may be the start of my new chapter in 2023.
I'm excited to see what the year ahead brings  :)

This sounds really positive. Well done for listening to and figuring out what the depression was trying to tell you. It's great news about the consultant as well. I'm delighted for you. :hug:

Holidayay,

So glad to hear depression is lifting. I hope your friend's birthday party is super fun. Surprise parties can be so much fun.

You said something in your post that stuck with me. I'm also trying to stop isolating. When I go out of the house, I do perk up. But I tend to hide in the house and wallow in the depression. You said that isolation served you well while you were in the thick of things with abusive people, but that the isolation no longer serves you.  That is an important statement for me to read and now adopt. I isolate because I was so unsafe around my own family and friends, but those days are gone. That family is gone. I have a good family now, a good wife and a good son and I have a lot of good friends. I need to grasp that sentiment, and I'm thankful that you wrote it: Isolation once served me too, but it no longer does.

Thank you for sharing your journal with us. It's helpful for me to read about what helps my fellow C-PTSDers rise up out of despair. 

Thanks for sharing!  I too have found myself (and a lot of my friends, honestly) have fallen into a rut of isolation, making it really hard to socialize or put effort into getting out of the house.  I like your strategy of even just going out to hang out in public - I may try that tomorrow during my office hours.

Have a great week!

Hi all!
It makes me so happy to see my post resonated and helped a few of you, too. There is something to be said from learning from and with each other on here. I really can see more and more how working on replacing the isolation coping mechanism with new, relational coping mechanisms (relational because it involves being around others without feeling them as a threat) is a really important step to take once we are ready for it. And even then, it may feel hard and counter-intuitive at times, and my brain still tries to urge me not to go outside and/or be around others but I have to say, when I do push back it and go - 9/10, I feel better for it and overall, the 'threat' signalling and flight-or-fight mode does go away.

It's interesting because a couple of years ago, when I was first coming to terms with the full extent of my ordeal and my family's dysfunction, I definitely did not benefit a lot from forcing myself outside. I benefitted more from indulging in a 'hermit' stage - and what really helped my nervous system then was all things cosy. Warm blankets, cups of tea, fairy lights on, salt lamps, candles, hot baths, watching movies, cooking at home with my then boyfriend - being around others and out and about would only seldom work.
I just want to say this for anyone who might be reading this and might feel bad about themselves if going out and being around others ISN'T working, or very difficult at the moment....there are stages to healing, and i watched many videos and read many articles/books about stages such as needing to be alone, and stay indoors, and that can all be perfectly normal too. I think it is about listening to our body; this is what has served me well. And I've noticed after the initial period of hermit-ing (a good 2 years or so, I'd say), I am starting to notice a shift in my body. Now, being around others (a step i'm taking slowly) is starting to feel good, and safe, and very comforting. Especially with the new friendships I focused on putting my energy into; reciprocal, kind, caring, understanding. The prospect of seeing them feels like a safe haven now, compared to angst and anxiety I'd have in the past when I wasn't so conscious about who I surrounded myself with, and nor did I really reveal much of who I really was, and what my real struggles were. Sometimes I wonder which one was the issue - the people being not right for me, or me hiding who I really was that they couldn't see and react to it? I suspect one fed into the other.

Anyway, I did go to my friend's birthday party last weekend. And I had such a good time! Chatting, having a few drinks, dancing, and there was the most scrumptious birthday cake ever. I got to meet mutual friends and that was really enjoyable, too. I also got asked out on a date - I'd forgotten what this was like after lockdown, when all dating seems to occur via dating apps?! The guy was sweet and it was nice to meet someone organically for a change.

I had another realisation into some of my coping mechanisms, too, which I realised have quite an impact on my stress and energy levels. I've realised when I feel a certain negative feeling crop up, if somebody has done or said something to me that has upset me, my heart starts pounding and I immediately get really scared and dissociative. And then if I want to say something, I'll rehash it in my mind - see the situation from all sides and make sure I have an explanation or defense lined up for every possible viewpoint someone may have and direct towards me, to make sure I don't miss out on any 'loopholes' where I may then be diminished, or blamed or told otherwise my feelings are invalid and then I feel shame and guilt or disgust with myself for 'making the situation difficult' or 'not being an easy or 'normal' person' and then its my fault....and of course, this is linked to childhood. Where my mum and other adults in my life were so quick to jump to blame-shifting, or gaslighting a person out of having their own feelings and realities.

I noticed it when i was deciding on a decision to commit to meeting up with a friend who can be flakey and non-communicative, and bail at the last minute. I realised that whereas I put up with anything and everything for a lot of my life because i had no concept of boundaries or my own needs or dislikes, now I am individuating more, this is a trait in a friend I do not really like. I try as much as possible to respect people's time and effort - and actually, I like it when I get given the same in return. So, when I was deliberating on how to deal with this situation - and a third friend was also part of this meet-up - i went through this whole process in my head of replaying my feelings, what i should say, what evidence is there for this viewpoint versus the viewpoint that I am being unreasonable or irrational or unfair or otherwise reason enough to blame and shame me and then leave me because my needs make it 'difficult' to love me.
Its quite overwhelming when I pay attention to what is happening in my body as all this is occurring. The shallow breaths, the heart pounding, mind racing with thought - its very exhausting and takes such a toll, I end up needing to take a nap and then drink lots of water.

So, this time, I tried to approach it differently. Of course, the habitual process kept invading my thought processes, but I tried not to act on it, and then when the third person in the friendship group rang me to discuss, I was able to express that non-committal and flakey behaviours and bailing and lack of effort affects me negatively and actually, I find it to be somewhat rude and alienating towards the people who do make an effort. We were able to talk about it and overall, the outcome was better, than what i have done over the years in such trigger flare-ups, which would have been to lock up my feelings, triggering my wounds, having bad dreams and flashbacks and resentment building and building until i explode or fall into a depressive slump and isolate and then feel even worse.

Gosh, this stuff is HARD WORK. Its so much harder than how I thought it would be when I first started this journey of un-learning the unhelpful and destructive coping mechanisms of my dysfunctional upbringing. But, it always ends up worth it. And I feel like I see the steady positive benefits, slowly trickle in and build over time. Stronger friendship groups, better ability to express myself, able to show up at work differently - more confident, measured, assertive - and in dealing with life in general.

Holidayay

What a great line of positive posts. So uplifting.

Your comments that sometimes isolating and self-nurturing are the right thing to do, and for as long as they are serving us well, are so well said. I agree with you. It isn't until we become isolated for too long that it becomes an issue to be dealt with.

And hokey smokes! I can so relate to the Hypervigilance we feel when we try to anticipate every criticism we might receive when we feel like we're about to confront a blaming person. The people who've abused our good nature for decades, gave us "hypervigilance" turning life into a chess match as we try so hard to prepare for their certain accusations and criticisms. My experience has always been like yours: My voice goes into its upper register. I talk faster in hopes of preempting their attacks, my heart pounds, mouth goes dry. Etc. This is when people like this make US look like we're crazy. They end up looking calm while we look insane.

My therapist stops me whenever he sees me do this in his presence. He tells me to stop. Breathe. Feel my feet on the floor and my bottom in the couch, and then makes me speak very slowly and calmly. It REALLY helps.

I'm so happy for the way your life is going now. You really are inspiring me to follow suit.

Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us.

I mentioned in another post that I've written some books about a boy who happens to be one of us, a C-PTSD Fawn>Freeze>Flee>Fight.  Whenever I sign copies, I write "We're stronger together" before I sign my name. That's in reference to how when folks like us share our idiosyncrasies with each other, and then support each other, we all become stronger. All of us.

So, again...Thank you for your openness and your well written reports.  They really do help me too.

Just a quick entry before going to work.

I feel....haunted by what i didn''t know, when i didn't know it, and how it caused me to live life in such a demeaning, degrading way...does anyone else relate to this? Like...now I have learnt more about myself, self-love, boundaries, heck that i even deserve to be treated as a human being and am not just invisible/a burden....i can't believe what i used to do to myself. Surround myself with people who didn't care 1 bit about me, give my all to men who could care less and i would be so devastated....doing far too much for others - friends, employees, other students.....and not realising i didn't need to always give of myself just to be deserving of having a presence.

I'm spooked out by the enormity of this, how it changes the basis and sequale for so much in life. I feel quite a lot of despair and devastation realising all this, and so upset that it was such a waste of time and energy and my mental health when all along it could have been so different. I wish i knew better, sooner. I feel quite humiliated and ashamed of myself. I wish someone had guided me and taught me better instead of all of the terrible lessons i learnt about myself that made me feel so unworthy and unloveable. I wish it could have been different. I feel like I am grieving a huge intangible ...thing. i don't know what else to call it.

I have to dash now but i wanted to reply properly to the reply to my previous entry. Just felt like quickly sharing these feelings here first so they are less in my head. I hope everyone has a nice day  :)

This really has struck a chord with me, holidayay.
I keep wondering why I didn't realise earlier what was going on in my family and how much this affected me deeply. It seems hard to believe now given the scale of some of the things I experienced but the truth is that I never really labelled their actions as abuse until quite recently. I mean, I was quite aware of the physical abuse but I nevertheless did not allow myself to notice quite how much this really hurt me because I knew how much more other people have suffered and I felt that my pain was in no proportion to the things that happened. I continued to blame myself for being so sensitive and vulnerable and struggling so much with the fact that dad hit me when he at least never left any bruises or scars, so I guess I was basically gaslighting myself.
As for the emotional abuse, how is it possible that I did not recognize that this had been happening all throughout my life? I mean, I had hurt of emotional abuse and had to do some training on recognising it for work but I never made the connection to my own experiences and I can't believe now how long it took me to really see what was happening. I imagine that I was extremely trauma-bonded to my family and that I had to believe in their "essential goodness" because they were pretty much my only contacts and I had no real friends or anything, but you're right, it does actually haunt me that I didn't see what was happening for many, many years.
And yes, it also haunts me to look back on my past actions and see how much of my behaviour was caused by the childhood trauma. How much I was constantly fawning over others, trying to be the perfect girl that never made mistakes because I so desperately wanted to avoid rejection and being hurt again.
But, you know what I find even more scary and daunting? That I still don't know how to end all of this. I am aware of the trauma and how it affected my mental health and I know that it causes me to deny my own needs literally all the time but I don't know how to stop this and escape this "huge intangible thing" as you called it.
I guess it's easy to blame ourselves for this (once again) and keep pondering about our own shortcomings. Yet, the truth is that this is what was done to us. We couldn't notice sooner because the wounds were just too big and painful and we were only just barely surviving. And we couldn't know better because we were constantly being told as children that we were at fault and at some point we just accepted that. We had to because we depended on those around us to survive back then, and even when we grew up and went our own ways our lives were still overshadowed by pain and the threat/fear of abuse never really went away, so I guess it is understandable in a way to be like this even if it is spooky and devastating.

Quote from: milkandhoney11 on January 27, 2023, 01:05:25 PM
This really has struck a chord with me, holidayay.
I keep wondering why I didn't realise earlier what was going on in my family and how much this affected me deeply. It seems hard to believe now given the scale of some of the things I experienced but the truth is that I never really labelled their actions as abuse until quite recently. I mean, I was quite aware of the physical abuse but I nevertheless did not allow myself to notice quite how much this really hurt me because I knew how much more other people have suffered and I felt that my pain was in no proportion to the things that happened. I continued to blame myself for being so sensitive and vulnerable and struggling so much with the fact that dad hit me when he at least never left any bruises or scars, so I guess I was basically gaslighting myself.
As for the emotional abuse, how is it possible that I did not recognize that this had been happening all throughout my life? I mean, I had hurt of emotional abuse and had to do some training on recognising it for work but I never made the connection to my own experiences and I can't believe now how long it took me to really see what was happening. I imagine that I was extremely trauma-bonded to my family and that I had to believe in their "essential goodness" because they were pretty much my only contacts and I had no real friends or anything, but you're right, it does actually haunt me that I didn't see what was happening for many, many years.
And yes, it also haunts me to look back on my past actions and see how much of my behaviour was caused by the childhood trauma. How much I was constantly fawning over others, trying to be the perfect girl that never made mistakes because I so desperately wanted to avoid rejection and being hurt again.
But, you know what I find even more scary and daunting? That I still don't know how to end all of this. I am aware of the trauma and how it affected my mental health and I know that it causes me to deny my own needs literally all the time but I don't know how to stop this and escape this "huge intangible thing" as you called it.
I guess it's easy to blame ourselves for this (once again) and keep pondering about our own shortcomings. Yet, the truth is that this is what was done to us. We couldn't notice sooner because the wounds were just too big and painful and we were only just barely surviving. And we couldn't know better because we were constantly being told as children that we were at fault and at some point we just accepted that. We had to because we depended on those around us to survive back then, and even when we grew up and went our own ways our lives were still overshadowed by pain and the threat/fear of abuse never really went away, so I guess it is understandable in a way to be like this even if it is spooky and devastating.

I'm really pleased to see that recently, my posts are resonating with people. And I felt really touched reading your post, and sad for the child you and I were, who had to grow up under such enduring hyperactivation of our nervous systems, preparing for wholly unfair attacks that little children are not equipped to deal with on such regular, prevalent basis. It does take work to undo this. But, the starting point is the most crucial - recognising and becoming aware of the habits. And we have done that already! So I am very hopeful for us. And the more we keep reminding ourselves of what is more acceptable compared to how we have been groomed to operate, the more we can act on the basis of the former and it becoming our norm, and what we have always deserved. I'm sorry for us that it is such hard work, though, especially given that we have already paid a heavy price of labour throughout our childhood and we don't get resources such as time or financial assistance to deal with this - I know for example, if I didn't have extra burdens such as financial deadlines, my mind would be a bit more free from pressure to practice the healthy things. I slip into my old habits when i panic because i am running out of money, living paycheck to paycheck and the nervous system activation makes it nigh on impossible to access the frontal lobe to be more rational and reasonable insted of fight-or-flighty. I wish governments would recognise things like this and provide assistance to take off these burdens a little bit so the healing period can be more effective instead of being interrupted by such panic as having to pay for everything during crucial points in the healing process! It would go some way towards levelling the playing field with people who go to work without the bedrock of CPTSD. Their anxiety when financial stressors hit are just not the same; for us, we regress terribly. At least that has been my experience. And then it makes it harder to meet the basic financial demands of imperatives things such as shelter and food never mind the 'luxuries' of therapy and other healing modalities...and its a vicious cycle.

Having said that, I started my new regular 9-5 job last week. Came off my flexible ad hoc work and thankfully, first week went really well and I am really enjoying it! I am working on an all-male in-patient psychiatry ward and it has been very rewarding and informative so far. My team are very supportive and well trained, and they are very good at protecting me when the patients get a little bit intrusive. I was worried I'd feel triggered and unsafe at times but that hasn't been the case so far. I feel like I am where I am meant to be now, after putting off a psychiatry job for a few years until I was a bit more advanced in my healing, so I didn't get triggered too often, and I can see that was the right decision to make. I definitely wouldn't have been able to cope with this a few years ago, in hindsight.
But yeah, I'm now feeling the financial stress lifting a bit with the prospect of regular income.

I've also stuck to my vow of more regular socialising. I had a little sleepover with my good friend and a new friend I met  few months ago through a mutual friend who is very much on my wavelength, and the three of us had a lovely evening eating dinner, drinking wine and chatting until the early hours. And then we woke up early and chatted in bed for ages and I even felt comfortable to share of my family experiences and it was so lovely to feel free from shame and fear of rejection for talking freely about my traumas. It reminded me of when I used to feel terribly anxious and ashamed when i had issues pressing on my mind related to my family and i would meet up with my ex-best friend who didn't seem comfortable to listen to and talk about such things and i felt so, so ashamed in her company and i'd end up dissociating from the stress of having to stifle my real feelings and put on a bright, happy, relaxed show to prevent her scowling and rejecting me. I feel quite shocked that i ever thought that was normal...these newer friends of mine on the other hand, provide an environment where it is so okay and natural to say how i feel and what i am thinking and validate me in a way that seems effortless and like I am not a burden at all. And we do that for each other, in a reciprocal way. My mind is opening up so much to how real friendship and love is given and received and I'm so thankful for the turn my life has made in this regard. I still hope to have children someday and now I am having these corrective experiences, I feel like they are putting me in such good stead to understand healthy love to provide them with a better bedrock and foundation from which they can grow.

 :grouphug:

I'm so happy to see you feeling better from socializing and that the new job is rewarding and less triggering that it would have been a few years ago. That gives me hope. It's important work too and probably difficult to staff.

Hi Holidayay,
So great that you're enjoying your new job and settling in to it.  You sound happy in your posts, and it's great that you're socialising too.  Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Its 5am and I am awake, feeling quite scared.

Things have been better, and in a way, still frightening. My mind still goes to eerie, abandoned feelings whilst I sleep. And I wake up feeling extremely alone, vulnerable and unhappy. Its very hard to comfort myself. I feel like I have no comfort to give myself anymore. My mind feels quite tired and my nerves shot. Its not even that the dreams are particularly jarring anymore. Its more just this feeling that...there's no-one there, no-one is coming, no-one cares. It feels like I am a young child scared in bed, who is very used to being left alone. That's probably the part of me that is triggered. My head hurts from this and my heart aches for this lack of care and love. It feels so difficult and scary and I don't feel rooted or secure in anything or anyone.

Hi Holidayay,
I hope that when you read this reply that you're feeling a bit better, and that the horrible experiences you had last night are in the past again.  I relate to that feeling of terror and abandonment - and really hope that you are feeling something better now - and I wanted to send you a hug of support, if that feels ok to receive  :hug:
Hope  :)

Oh how I hate those kinds of mornings. I agree with Hope, it's a feeling of terror and abandonment. I don't always know why it comes over me.

I also hope that you are feeling better by now. I hope the feeling didn't last too long.

Thank you  :) I do feel better thankfully  :hug:

I had therapy on Thursday after a 2-week hiatus, which really helped too. I discussed that morning feeling and explored it a bit.
Work has been interesting. I've been there 2 and a half weeks now. In a psychiatric in-patient ward. We have a mixed bag of patients and the job is definitely rewarding and at times challenging. There is one patient in particular who triggers all of us...he can be very cruel and scathing in his remarks to staff, always honing in on people's vulnerabilities and attacking. Needless to say, he does remind me of my upbringing. The cruel jibes at home, at school, the lack of empathy and getting his kicks out of getting a reaction. Its been interesting to come face to face with this again, it made me realise how far I've come. The first 2 days were tough, I felt quite helpless at times and quick to feel the sting of his comments, and back to feeling shame and worthless. But then I spoke about it with my mentor, and he suggested the whole ward have a meeting to discuss his impact on us and that was SO helpful. It made it difficult to personalise after that, we all had basically a group therapy session where we discussed what he had said to us, and how it made us feel, and how to best approach him. It felt so good to be able to put words to things and to have another reality in which others lived where being a recipient of cruel jibes wasn't 'just what I deserved' or how life just IS. In a way, it felt like a part of the helpless child in me healed a little bit from feeling so helpless against such a narcissistic character.
We also discussed what might be causing him to be so unkind and that helped too. I don't believe in excusing cruel behaviour, and we also said strict boundaries are necessary, so none of us how to tolerate it, but i also approached him with some kindness - until the cruel comments would start up - and there was some shifts with him. He has been less cruel the past few days and even made a few nice comments of support when another patient became aggressive and scared all the staff.

Yesterday, we had a 'Galentine's' dinner with the bridal hen party of my friend, and though i had finished late from a very chaotic shift, I pushed myself to go and it was really good fun! It was in a beautiful restaurant where the food was divine and the my friend had got each of us personalised cards and gifts with sweet messages to each of us. She amazes me at how much capacity for love she has, and how she approaches life with such intentions for goodness. I feel quite lucky to have her in my life.

And now its finally the weekend so I will be relaxing a lot! And hope to do some household chores and maybe go out for a nice walk and treat myself to a coffee and a pastry. I have lots of cute independent cafes around my area, so I might have a stroll and just have a day of good self care.

I hope everyone else is having a lovely weekend  :grouphug:

I wok up early this morning with very emotional, sad dreams. And I was able to comfort myself, which I haven't been able to for a long time. That feels like a win  :)

I'm having a full day of self care today.
I caught a bug at work yesterday and became really unwell during my shift. I'm not sure exactly why it triggered some kind of deep emotional flashback, but I ended up running to hide in the office to cry. Maybe it got me panicked because when I was younger, if I was ill, my mum would get angry and put out and never look after me and I felt so alone with my illness and no-one there to look after me. I felt really scared and didn't know what to do yesterday. My colleagues were really nice and looked after me, took my temperature and insisted I go home.
When I got home, that awful abandonment feeling came on so strongly, I rang my friend and just cried. It was such an intense terror, I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I rang my friend's dad after, who stayed on the phone with me for ages until I felt sleepy. And this morning, I tried to look after myself, and do for myself what i guess my mum neglected from doing for me when i was young and sick...I had a hot bath, drank lots of water and made a healthy breakfast. I chopped garlic and mixed it with yoghurt, my mum used to say garlic has anti-inflammatory effects. Then I just put on some comfort tv, filled a hot water bottle and slept on the sofa, and my cat came to join me.

I'm a bit shaken up by it all. I don't know why something as ordinary as being ill with a virus sent me spiralling so much. So many of my friends have been ill recently and when they tell me they're stuck at home with a bug, it just sounds ordinary yet my nervous system goes into such overdrive when it happens to me. I can't believe how scared, alone and anxious I felt yesterday. I felt like I was the only person left on the planet, and there was only horror and despair everywhere. Maybe it was an emotional flashback to being chronically ignored and neglected or otherwise yelled at for being a burden and an inconvenience and somehow so inherently shameful. Its so scary.

 :hug:

I'm sorry you are sick and feeling so very alone.  Everything you said makes sense, that this would be quite a trigger for you, given how you were treated and were not cared for as a child. Poor little holidayyay.  :grouphug:

I'm so glad you were able to be kind and take care of  yourself and reach out for help.  :grouphug:

Thank you Armee, your kind words really help and are soothing for me  :grouphug:

Day 2 of being unwell was a bit better...I made sure to drink fluids often, and stayed cosy on the couch watching a show on Netflix called Next in Fashion, which got me hooked. Its really interesting to see the designs at the end of each episode and something light-hearted was much needed!

It did bring back some weird flashbacks. Feeling guilty and deserving of wantig/buying clothes for myself. My mum, for some reason, would never really bother to do that. Or sometimes, she would. She never bothered to buy us correct uniform or had clothes we wanted to wear day to day. We often looked unkempt, if I'm being honest. When I grew up and wanted to buy my own clothes, that made it a huge deal and to this day, my stomach swirls thinking about clothes. I felt guilty for wanting to spend money on them and for wanting to feel and look good and presentable. Like it made her feel bad and uncomfortable, and somehow...poor her. Whereas she was more comfortable seeing me dressed in clothes that weren't even the right size or shape or sometimes not even womenswear at all! My sisters and I suspected that she always hated seeing females looking good, for various reasons. She was oppressed herself and didn't bother with her appearance and had put on quite a lot of weight and it perhaps made he insecure to see women being confident and unapologetic about their neat presentation. It mad her lash out and call me horrible names if i wore what i wanted. I used to have to go shopping in secret and dreaded her finding them. I feel anxious and thinking about this...my heart would pound so hard when i did buy and bring home my own clothes. I'd feel a mix of panic and terror and GUILT. The guilt was awful, like i was the cause of her sadness and unhappiness with my own needs and wants and desires and sometimes i would even focus on NOT wanting anything and also try to be unhappy and miserable so maybe she could at least be happy too and then we could bond and it would make sense...
And it never did.

Because it is all nonsense. That's what children of these parents are dealing with and trying to make sense of - non-sense. This labouring under a completely fruitless and illogical parental dictatorship...just to win basic love and acceptance and safety and emotional nurturance. It makes me both angry and scared and lost, to be honest.

Its so hard to process yet more of this stuff. It still feels so raw. Or maybe it feels raw right now because I am vulnerable with my illness...but either way, it makes me so angry at what i toiled under, and for no meaningful cause. I'm angry at how much i miss out on: not the material things, but the emotional freedom to be myself, to feel worthy and deserving, including of normal everyday things like the other girls my age LIKE CLOTHES, and to have a parent who doesn't want to ruin my experience and enjoyment of life with constant guilt-trips, threats, degrading and belittling comments, and zero emotional safety.

I

I just slept  total of 5 hours with no dreams or scary feelings waking me up. It has been a while since I have rested like this! I feel cosy and warm instead of dysregulated and alone and depressed.

It has been a busy few weeks. I've had quite a lot of life admin to do - things like renewing my passport, sorting out household bills, booking in for a doctor's appointment and finally today after much procrastination, I crossed the last of my to-do list.

Other than that, I have been working quite a lot to try to save. Mostly to make sure I can give myself a real break from the risk of what i can financial flight-or-fight mode. Where expenses can suddenly shoot up for whatever reason, or I want to do something that may cost quite a bit of money - and then I end up going back living pay check to pay
check, which is incredibly stressful and anxiety-inducing, never mind if you add CPTSD on top of it. Especially with Spring coming and then the summertime where it will be really nice to be able to do lots of fun things with friends and not be too limited by money. That's my aim for this year, really. To have a bit more fun and new experiences. I love the summertime, I always feel able to be a bit happier during it.

I have also been mindful to keep up with friends more, even when I didn't necessarily feel like it and just wanted to self isolate...I saw my friend last weekend and though i did feel numb and dissociated some of the time, I tried to remember it is OK to still feel at odds, and not to panic. We did a little bike ride home and that was really fun, really freeing...it actually inspired me to buy a new bike! It will be delivered tomorrow afternoon, so I'm quite excited to add that to my life. I'll now be able to cycle to and from work as well, which will be much nicer than getting the bus and hopefully the exercise will be good, too. I'm still trying to lose the extra weight I put on whilst I was incredibly depressed and stressed. I've been good at walking to work which takes about 40 minutes, but I'm still eating quite a lot of bad food, which I'm in the process of slowly adopting to a better diet.
Baby steps. Sometimes I get so harsh with myself though and feel bad about the dinner I ate, or not making much more of an effort to eat less, or healthier...but I should be kind to myself. I'm trying, everyday, and I think its okay to say I'm doing pretty well in other areas of life, all things considered, and maybe its time to be gentle and kind and compassionate to myself instead of the years of harsh judgement and criticism I've lived under.
(That feels nice to even just type out for myself  :) )

I hope everyone else is doing well out there  :hug:

Why is life so unforgiving?
Everything feels so meaningless to me these days. Everyone is settled, and married, with roots and friendships and long term connections and whilst they were building all those things, all i remember doing is just trying to survive. It feels like a sick joke. Now that I have survived and want to join the pack, everyone else has already been there, done that. Long since settled and moved on beyond this stage of life. Their doors are closed and their journeys now different.
I feel like I've been left behind.
I'm struggling to understand the point of anything. Just a continuous hamster wheel ride with no destination.

Feels like it's been a while since I've written in here.

Things have been going well, I think.
Its strange; sometimes the better and calmer things are going, the more chaotic my mind gets. I've been having extensive, detailed, vivid dreams consistently. Not recurring. Just very detailed plot-lines that are fast paced and intricate.
I'm not sure why. My gut is telling me its because I am processing a lot. My old life becomes further and further away, the longer I stick with healing. And in some ways, it is still perplexing.
How I used to have fun, how I used to experience 'reward system' in my brain, how I used to live constantly in cognitive dissonance and automatically feeling the other person is more important in any given situation...all of that is no longer my default psyche. Its freeing yet terrifying. To have to re-learn and get used to the new ways....
Actually, the more I heal, the more shocked I am at my old reality. How I was raised by a mum who essentially, a petulant, disturbed child. Who failed me in every way. Who knew about abuse happening to me, and never protected me. And was a staunch denier and gas-lighter when I broke free and spoke up. I don't feel anything towards her; no attachment at all now.
Weirdly, a patient at work who have a habit of sitting and observing approached me last week and said 'the girl who is attached to no-one. You know what I am talking about.'
I have no idea why he came to this conclusion. Or how. But its true. I don't. I don't feel anything towards my original assigned care-givers. I used to feel anxiety, guilt, shame and duty. Now I feel nothing.
I don't even know if I feel towards the people in my present life who are wonderful and who show me a true love and nurturance. I have moments where I do. And then, I don't know. Maybe I am still learning and adjusting. Maybe I'll never get there - that's what terrifies me. If I am too far gone. Too 'damaged'? I hate that word.  A patient used it to describe himself last week and I could see how wrong he was; how no-one is 'damaged goods' as he described himself. And yet, its harder to see for ourselves.

Good to hear from you again Holidayay.

That's a powerful statement you make about how the calmer your life gets the more chaotic your mind becomes. I can relate. This might be one of those phenomena that makes so many people undermine or sabotage their own happiness.

In my own narcissistic family and religious upbringing, the most dangerous thing I could do was become successful or happy. My family and church would tear me down and "put me in my place" if I ever expressed any positive self-esteem. Therefore, my life has had many instances where I could have really succeeded at joy, but I "somehow" neurotically sabotaged my own happiness before it could flourish. I didn't understand the chaos, so I did what I had to do to calm it down.

The truth was the chaos was good. Happiness had "shaken my inner snow globe".  But whenever I'd make some negative move to calm the chaos by giving up the happiness, I'd call it "being comfortably uncomfortable" in the way things have always been. I assume it's partly why people who win lotteries or receive cash windfalls explode with joy, and then proceed to destroy their own lives with the money. It's too uncomfortable to finally be happy.

I wonder if your inner chaos, as uncomfortable as it feels, is a sign that some things are going your way now. I like what you say that your old life is fading further and further away. That's a positive forward motion. In my own world, that would cause some inner chaos for me. It's a bad feeling but maybe a good sign.

Someone once told me about the "tall poppy syndrome" where a farmer might have a field of poppies. Every poppy is the exact same height. But if one poppy grows taller than the rest, that farmer cuts it off so all the poppies remain at the same height. My family was like that with me. My siblings were allowed to be happy. But if I became happy, they cut me down. Today, I still have a lot of inner chaos if life gets too easy.

Cars were a big deal to us boys in the 1970s. When I got my first high paying job, the first thing I bought was an expensive car. I was 18 years old and finally scored my brand new Trans Am. I absolutely loved that car, but only 8 months into owning it I was so mentally screwed up by feeling like I didn't deserve it, that I traded it in for a tiny little economy car. Driving a car that felt I didn't deserve had me ashamed of myself and chaotically nervous. So I "cut myself back down to size" and traded it in for an underpowered, boring car instead. I didn't like the smaller car, but it calmed my nerves to not be the tall poppy anymore. I became comfortably uncomfortable in my boring car. No more inner chaos.

Today I see that inner chaos as a sign that things are going my way right now. My therapist has taught me to accept the chaos and let it be uncomfortable until the neuro pathways rewire so I don't have to cut myself back down to size. He refers to my Trans Am story often. He says "let's deal properly with the inner chaos so you don't have to 'sell the Trans Am' this time." He tells me to call him if it gets too uncomfortable so he can help me get through the chaos without having to resort to self-sabotage.

Quote from: Papa Coco on April 16, 2023, 01:30:25 PM
Good to hear from you again Holidayay.

That's a powerful statement you make about how the calmer your life gets the more chaotic your mind becomes. I can relate. This might be one of those phenomena that makes so many people undermine or sabotage their own happiness.

In my own narcissistic family and religious upbringing, the most dangerous thing I could do was become successful or happy. My family and church would tear me down and "put me in my place" if I ever expressed any positive self-esteem. Therefore, my life has had many instances where I could have really succeeded at joy, but I "somehow" neurotically sabotaged my own happiness before it could flourish. I didn't understand the chaos, so I did what I had to do to calm it down.

The truth was the chaos was good. Happiness had "shaken my inner snow globe".  But whenever I'd make some negative move to calm the chaos by giving up the happiness, I'd call it "being comfortably uncomfortable" in the way things have always been. I assume it's partly why people who win lotteries or receive cash windfalls explode with joy, and then proceed to destroy their own lives with the money. It's too uncomfortable to finally be happy.

I wonder if your inner chaos, as uncomfortable as it feels, is a sign that some things are going your way now. I like what you say that your old life is fading further and further away. That's a positive forward motion. In my own world, that would cause some inner chaos for me. It's a bad feeling but maybe a good sign.

Someone once told me about the "tall poppy syndrome" where a farmer might have a field of poppies. Every poppy is the exact same height. But if one poppy grows taller than the rest, that farmer cuts it off so all the poppies remain at the same height. My family was like that with me. My siblings were allowed to be happy. But if I became happy, they cut me down. Today, I still have a lot of inner chaos if life gets too easy.

Cars were a big deal to us boys in the 1970s. When I got my first high paying job, the first thing I bought was an expensive car. I was 18 years old and finally scored my brand new Trans Am. I absolutely loved that car, but only 8 months into owning it I was so mentally screwed up by feeling like I didn't deserve it, that I traded it in for a tiny little economy car. Driving a car that felt I didn't deserve had me ashamed of myself and chaotically nervous. So I "cut myself back down to size" and traded it in for an underpowered, boring car instead. I didn't like the smaller car, but it calmed my nerves to not be the tall poppy anymore. I became comfortably uncomfortable in my boring car. No more inner chaos.

Today I see that inner chaos as a sign that things are going my way right now. My therapist has taught me to accept the chaos and let it be uncomfortable until the neuro pathways rewire so I don't have to cut myself back down to size. He refers to my Trans Am story often. He says "let's deal properly with the inner chaos so you don't have to 'sell the Trans Am' this time." He tells me to call him if it gets too uncomfortable so he can help me get through the chaos without having to resort to self-sabotage.

I can relate to this so much. Really moved by your message, and metaphors. Thank you. And reading it, I really felt for you, and your story of the Trans Am. You deserve to enjoy life and successes in a way that isn't dictated by the 'tall poppy syndrome'. Your therapist sounds great, I so hope that the discomfort transforms for you, and for all of us.
It resonated so much when you described feeling ashamed and chaotically uncomfortable when moving beyond the requirement to make ourselves small. I have felt this too. I remember buying a coat I really wanted, that I thought looked very sophisticated. It was a bit more expensive that what I was used to feeling deserving of, and i felt ashamed wearing it every time. And like everyone was thinking: 'who does she think she is?' and then this urge to take it off and appear scruffy, with less nice clothing. I still wore it a few times and then ended up selling it. There was almost a sigh of relief when I didn't have it anymore, so I didn't have to deal with the cognitive dissonance the chaos made me feel.
I'm learning to deal with this too. And I loved your analogy of the snow globe being shaken up and waiting for it to settle again - i think that describes the process perfectly!
I also find myself yearning to go to places I was when I was still living in uncomfortable transitions - not my childhood home, but places I lived in when i hadn't eve started healing yet and i didn't really have much insight. Though it was painful, there was some kind of simplicity to life as I knew it that I miss so much. I want to visit those places so bad, to re-capture some of those old feelings. My rational mind is telling me it won't feel like that anymore. But the nostalgia is so strong.

I resonate with your sentiments about revisiting places from your past. They say "You can't go back home" because, even in healthier situations, time changes things. Home is more a place in our hearts than a place on a map.

I was two years old when my parents built their house. They died in it 50 years later. I lived in that town for 30 years. Now, I need GPS just to find it. Once small streets with 4-way stop signs are now freeways surrounded by big box stores and high rise mega-apartment complexes.

Emotionally, things change too. I was so used to being the family's embarrassment, that to me, "going back home" means going back to believing that their conditional, narcissistic love was all I deserved.  While I often feel the nostalgic need to be that abused boy again, what I've learned after 40 years of therapy, a hundred self-help books, and this forum have rendered me unable to fully embrace that old feeling again. Even in my own mind and heart, it's becoming difficult to return home, even when I feel like I want to.

Estranging in 2010 was the right thing to do. My life depended on it. I was so suicidal by the end that estranging was the ONLY thing to do. But still. Every now and then I remember some laughs. And for a few moments here and there I believe that I want it all back. Hense my term: Comfortably uncomfortable. 

But it passes more quickly now than it used to. As mentioned above, I know too much now.  I can't unlearn the therapy. I can't forget anymore that they were narcissistic monsters merely disguised as a loving family. Wolves in sheep's clothing. I can't be tricked by sociopaths anymore. Home is gone. And at 62 years of age, I'm finally accepting that.

In many ways, it's an Identity Crisis:

It's difficult to move past long term childhood abuse. Part of me is begging to forget it all while other parts fear that forgetting will delete me off the face of the earth. If I forget it, then perhaps my own identity will die with the memories. Who will I be if I'm not who I once was? Just imagining forgetting it brings a vision of all my molecules losing their bond and scattering irreversibly into outer space like a billion droplets of mist dispersing from a popped balloon. My therapist calls it "Fear of Annihilation" Annihilation is far more terrifying than just dying. It's a sense of having never existed at all.

Maybe that's part of why we are comfortably uncomfortable in the memories of our nasty pasts. Because if we forget what happened, does that mean we're erasing our own inner child?

Today, I sometimes allow myself to indulge in feeling like I'm still the abused little guy again. It was horrible, but it was who I was. The pain that I endured made me more compassionate to others who suffer similar fates. I don't ever want to stop being compassionate to other victims. Fortunately, my neural pathways seem to finally be finding new routes from there to here. These days I'm trapped in being the abused boy again for shorter bursts with longer spaces between. Often, by allowing myself to be the abused boy for a few minutes at a time sort of lets me keep him alive. I haven't erased my inner child, but I'm letting him rest for longer periods of time.

Perhaps he and I are beginning to forget (or possibly even forgive?) the bulk of what he went through.

More safe, virtual hugs from me to you. I hope you can feel them.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

We had  a patient with borderline personality disorder who we have just been able to discharge, yesterday, though there was no clinical indication for him to be admitted under our specialty in the first place.
He has spent the past 4 weeks terrorising staff, other patients, and then became fixated on me. The Splitting was horrifying. He would go from demanding lots of attention, and trying to push it as far as possible with inappropriate, lewd comments, to despising me if I didn't respond to him and screaming obscenities at me. He had more daily chaotic episodes and outbursts requiring us to call the response team/police than any other patient. People I am working with who have done this job for 16 years said they have never been as affected by a patient as they have with him. He declared yesterday HE was in charge, not the senior doctor, and then started his outburst again.

My nervous system has been in overdrive over the last week. As soon as I see him, my heart starts pounding, my hands shaking, and my thoughts racing. When I sleep, I dream of the ward and all the shouting. The poor older ladies have been terrified and one said it has worsened her blood pressure and she is now thinking of quitting.

We all breathed a huge sigh of relief when he was discharged and left. Reports are that he is making threats to return, and I am dreading returning this morning and seeing him back there, the ward up in arms. Our consultant put in strict notes that this patient is not to be re-admitted, under any circumstances.

This has been such a huge eye-opener for how much more empowering it is as an adult when faced with dysfunctional people: you can choose not to engage in their taunting, you can walk away, you can request help. My whole team and I have supported each other through the process and last week, a few of us just had joined therapy with our on-site therapist and man, it makes me even more compassinate to what a lot of us on here had to go through. To witness this...a few weeks of constant stress and anxiety over a harmful person's behaviour to affect everyone else was challenging enough - and doing so with support and having agency....compared to surviving a childhood of constant nervous system activation ALONE. And here we all, trying our best. Writing about it, going to therapy, working on building new better patterns.....it makes me feel proud of us on this website. Its really not easy, at all.

Wow.

Just reading about this BPD patient shivers my spine. I had a sister, 11 years older than me who had BPD. She was nowhere near as severe as you describe here, and yet I know that she is responsible for at least 50% of the abuse that has given me my lifelong suicidal ideation. She became fixated on our littlest sister, and I believe she was responsible for my little sister's mysterious passing. Then, when I became the new youngest, she became fixated on me. I know for a fact that she was the reason for my last full-up suicide attempt. So I'm very sorry to hear your NPD became fixated on you. I'm very glad you are rid of him now. My family was NOT supportive, as your work team has been with each other. Mommy Dearest forced us all to "get along" with this monster. After 50 years of being unsupported, and immediately following my final suicide attempt, I quit the family altogether. It was a matter of life or death. I haven't spoken to anyone from my bloodline in 13 years now.

So I get it. I am very glad to hear that your team banded together, supported each other, sought support, and are working to ban this "monster" from ever returning to your facility. And as for the person you say almost quit her job...I get it. If I could hug her right now I would.  And you too.

I use the term monster because monsters can't be tamed. A "beast" is an animal of great strength that can be trained to pull a plow. We call our old heavy duty trucks and tractors "beasts." But monsters...monsters are unmanageable. A monster can't be predicted, trusted, or tamed. A monster attacks indiscriminately, randomly, viciously, and without conscience or reason. The only way to be safe from a monster is to cage it or leave it. I often described my elder sister as an alligator who would eat me alive if I got too close.

I'm happy to hear your alligator is gone for now, and I sincerely hope your organization is successful at permanently banning him from ever returning.

Your story is a good example of how much damage these sociopathic, narcissistic, psychopathic and Borderline PD monsters do to the good people who fall into their traps. Yeah. I see why we're all on this forum. These monsters curdle our blood and leave us with life-long trauma disorders.

Thank you for sharing about this person. Your experience is a great example of what many of us have endured to varying degrees, and why we are now so skittish and so hypervigilant and on edge all the time.

People who judge us and say that we just needed to try harder to get along with them have no idea what they're talking about. Too many Hollywood movies end with the bully becoming a good person in the end. That's not realistic. And any Anti Bullying campaigns that tell us to "stand up to our bullies" are so out of step with the reality around the fact that some bullies are monsters that cannot be stood up to by anyone. Sometimes, escape is the only option.

Anyone who feels bad that they had to estrange from a family, or a job, or a marriage with NPD in it, needs to NOT feel bad about leaving them. It is, all too often, the only real option.

I'm glad you survived him.

I'm so sorry work has been so difficult and triggering.  :grouphug: I hope you do not have to manage that particular patient again.

I thank you too for sharing here because I could also relate that story and how terrorizing it was to growing up in the situation I did, as well. And yes you are right about your observations in the differences between what and how we had to manage alone as children versus a whole professional adult staff and yet it was still so difficult. Eye opening. And remarkable.

:grouphug:

I'm so glad to see my observations are helpful for others on here too. Honestly, it really is incredibly eye-opening being around mentally unwell patients with personality disorders as an adult who isn't powerless, to show me just how damaging it is for children to have to grow around this.

The ward yesterday (first full day after the patient was discharged) was SO much better. I bought cakes in for the staff as a little treat for everyone after everything we had been through - people had been threatened, squared up against, emotionally manipulated and abused and blackmailed and threats with false accusations to scare them into submission - it was a LOT. For 4 whole weeks. The tension had lifted and though we have other troubled patients, no-one as troublesome as that particular patient. I was able to complete my work, I could chat and engage with others and not be have my heart pounding and nervous system activation constantly.
My consultant was very supportive and other staff members checked in with me often; they commented on how bad they felt as they said they noticed a huge change in my demeanour, and felt I was terrified until he left.
My friend from another specialty bought me coffee and a cake and we sat in th coffee shop just chatting, and she sent me some lovely messages of support. All my other friends have been very kind and sympathetic and I am able to go away to stay with a friend living in my previous city from tomorrow - very much looking forward to it! I have also booked in for a massage on Saturday and I'll be off work for a total of 5 days.
What a difference an adequate support system and being able to take care of yourself can make. Most of us on here had NONE of this growing up. It makes me think just how much compassion and empathy we deserve to give ourselves as we heal.

I've been able to sleep without dreams of the ward too! Hurrah!

I can honestly say I agree with the above post about these people being monster-like and the best way is to completely avoid them if you can - there is no working with them because it is all on their terms and the trouble is, their terms are informed by a very dark, twisted understanding of themselves and the world around them. You'll be serving them forever if you try to engage on their terms. My life is infinity less explosive without the daily chaos and turbulence when there are strict boundaries up against these people, to keep them at bay.
They will not feed on us, is my hope for all of us on here.

Quote from: holidayay on April 26, 2023, 03:26:32 AM
You'll be serving them forever if you try to engage on their terms.

Yeah. This especially really really hits home, in a bit of a heart sinking way.

Quote from: Papa Coco on April 25, 2023, 01:29:17 PM
Wow.

Just reading about this BPD patient shivers my spine. I had a sister, 11 years older than me who had BPD. She was nowhere near as severe as you describe here, and yet I know that she is responsible for at least 50% of the abuse that has given me my lifelong suicidal ideation. She became fixated on our littlest sister, and I believe she was responsible for my little sister's mysterious passing. Then, when I became the new youngest, she became fixated on me. I know for a fact that she was the reason for my last full-up suicide attempt. So I'm very sorry to hear your NPD became fixated on you. I'm very glad you are rid of him now. My family was NOT supportive, as your work team has been with each other. Mommy Dearest forced us all to "get along" with this monster. After 50 years of being unsupported, and immediately following my final suicide attempt, I quit the family altogether. It was a matter of life or death. I haven't spoken to anyone from my bloodline in 13 years now.

So I get it. I am very glad to hear that your team banded together, supported each other, sought support, and are working to ban this "monster" from ever returning to your facility. And as for the person you say almost quit her job...I get it. If I could hug her right now I would.  And you too.

I use the term monster because monsters can't be tamed. A "beast" is an animal of great strength that can be trained to pull a plow. We call our old heavy duty trucks and tractors "beasts." But monsters...monsters are unmanageable. A monster can't be predicted, trusted, or tamed. A monster attacks indiscriminately, randomly, viciously, and without conscience or reason. The only way to be safe from a monster is to cage it or leave it. I often described my elder sister as an alligator who would eat me alive if I got too close.

I'm happy to hear your alligator is gone for now, and I sincerely hope your organization is successful at permanently banning him from ever returning.

Your story is a good example of how much damage these sociopathic, narcissistic, psychopathic and Borderline PD monsters do to the good people who fall into their traps. Yeah. I see why we're all on this forum. These monsters curdle our blood and leave us with life-long trauma disorders.

Thank you for sharing about this person. Your experience is a great example of what many of us have endured to varying degrees, and why we are now so skittish and so hypervigilant and on edge all the time.

People who judge us and say that we just needed to try harder to get along with them have no idea what they're talking about. Too many Hollywood movies end with the bully becoming a good person in the end. That's not realistic. And any Anti Bullying campaigns that tell us to "stand up to our bullies" are so out of step with the reality around the fact that some bullies are monsters that cannot be stood up to by anyone. Sometimes, escape is the only option.

Anyone who feels bad that they had to estrange from a family, or a job, or a marriage with NPD in it, needs to NOT feel bad about leaving them. It is, all too often, the only real option.

I'm glad you survived him.

This is absolutely spot on. And I'm so very sorry you had to endure your older sister when you were so young and should have been protected. Little is said about sibling-to-sibling abuse. A lot of people seem to just file it away under 'oh big siblings can be like that', or 'young kids together have their own dynamics; youngest child or middle child syndrome etc etc. It is NOT simply that. Being young and having an older, bigger, more domineering and bully-like personality is TERRIFYING; your child brain doesn't register it is a nonchalant 'of she's just the bigger sister'. No, it is a very real threat to your emotional and physical wellbeing. I resonate with you a lot because I had 5 elder siblings; ranging from 3-10 years older than me, 4 of whom I found absolutely terrifying and who really confuscated in my head what it means to love and be loved. They were all much bigger and taller than me; and 3 of them thought of younger siblings as their little slave. They wanted to constantly talk about themselves and brag about their fighting, scamming, lying and treating others poorly and demanded to be revered and thought of as 'impressive'. They would constantly mock and bully me and do things like threaten me if i didn't go along with what they wanted that I didn't want to do, or to do their cleaning for them.
Its so confusing to be that young and have elder siblings who are monsters as you describe. On the one hand, you still have that child innocence of 'i want them to like me, they're my cooler elder siblings!' or that somehow you need to impress them...and when you have parents that are neglectful or abusive, you start to look towards THEM as guidance....I felt like I was constantly at a loss. Abusive elder siblings take full advantage of this deep need within younger children - they instinctively know they have the power. Its disgusting.
I realised how much it affected my own relationships in my teens when I thought I always had to 'impress' my crushes with how much I knew about THEIR interests and how willing I could be do whatever THEY wanted. I shudder looking back; how I wish I had known better.

I'm so glad for you, that you are away from ALL of your toxic monsters. I hope you are able to give yourself exquisite self-care and have warm, loving people around you now. I've just woken up at 4am as I slept very early evening yesterday, and it still amazes me at how even the smallest of self-care practices help; instead of waking up drenched in sweat and cowering under my covers as I did as a child; I made myself a cup of tea and lit a candle and feel so calm now. I wish the same for you; that you have all of the resources to be able to look after yourself as you deserve.

Hi Holidayay,
I read what you wrote about the sibling relationships, and related to things you said.  Thank you for sharing your experiences, and I'm sorry you've had some of those experiences.
Hope  :)

I've had a lot on my mind recently.

In between working, and celebrating with my birthday - which was so amazing, and my friends really outdid themselves, which I'm so grateful for - I still feel like I am grieving.
There are so many mixed emotions that I am struggling with. Anger, regret, fear, anxiety. I realise now how much I have had to play catch up (and still am) after essentially living in flight or fight mode for most of my life. First at home, and then when I left, when dealing with the PTSD that I didn't know about back then, and living with the trauma of the past and what my family put me through. And on top of that, the constant financial threat looming over me - if I didn't have enough money, I'd be terrified I'd have to go back home. And I didn't get any help from family at all.
I've realised when you'e living in flight-or-fight mode, there is no room for you to be living as your self, or room for love, or joy, or openness. Your decision-making capacity is severely impaired and is mostly based on fear and scarcity.
I'm so angry I wasn't allowed to be have my own emotions, needs, sense of self, or to be able to make friends, and have experiences of loving myself enough to have any sort of self-worth. I really never believed I deserved to even be noticed, let alone for others to get to know, form friendships with.
Its so hard to play catch up. I've been working on this for the last few years having finally got myself out of financial survival mode in my 30's. Trying to suddenly have room and space and know how to even DO openness, joy, love is so difficult. I still feel quite depressed and anxious in between flashbacks and constant nightmares.
I've got a wedding to go to next week and I realised its the first one I've been to in years. I'm sad at that. That I hadn't been able to forge long-term friendships in my childhoods, enough for me to be invited to weddings. When I hear people say they have been invited to a wedding or see wedding pictures, I get so triggered. I feel so isolated and unworthy and undeserving.
I feel very undeserving to even feel like I can be entitled to any basic need.
I feel constantly scared that if I put one foot out of line, I will be abandoned, ostracised, shamed, humiliated.
A friend I had a few years ago cut me off after I couldn't hide my severe anxiety from her once. She stopped inviting me to things, stopped messaging me and didn't invite me to her wedding. This experience has left me terrified of exposing any of my needs that might put others out.
I'm so scared I can't do it. I can't catch up? Its too much. How do I heal and find self-worth, lasting community, continue my deep friendships and know they won't just be messed up and I get forgotten about at the switch of a hat?
And I feel envious of others. Others who take for granted: every weekend busy with others; their family, their long term friendships, weddings, parties, holidays, days out, a stern sense of self that isn't so patchy.
My weekends are getting more filled, but still at times, I am alone and I can't bear it anymore. I don't feel any kind of goodness from spending weekends alone. And sometimes I want to yell at well-meaning advice to go out for walks, on my bike, go to the park - 'stop rationalising my being alone! YOU'RE going home to your family, or your childhood home, or so-and-so's wedding who you've known for decades, or holidays in your family's holiday home with your school friends. Try spending MOST OF YOUR childhood so very emotionally and spiritually alone and then much of your adulthood in a different type of alone and spend YOUR weekends by yourself then come back and give advice.'
I hate it all.
I wish I was just like them. The ones who can say all these things are 'just normal parts of life' and not a big deal that requires work and effort to make happen, constantly.

I'm having such a tough week.
Constant triggers. Summer season and everyone has family gatherings, weddings...and I am spending a lot of time alone.
I spent 3 days crying.
The rest of the time this week I have walked around feeling my life isn't worth a damn thing.
I resent my friends for their busy lives: their full families, their friendships they've had since childhoods, the weddings they attend of people they have known for years. All of which I have missed out on due to CPTSD.
I am so angry and sad and lonely.
When will life ever get consistently better?
I have a night shift tonight and it's the last thing I feel like doing. But I need to earn money.
I wish somebody could help me. Make it all better.

Holidayay,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so triggered right now. I hope that by sharing that here helps at least a tiny bit.

Summer's end always triggers my EFs also. Autumn is happening here where I live. Leaves are falling, colors changing. Nights are getting cold. I love it and I hate it at the same time. Every year, Autumn triggers anxiety and dissociative episodes.

Hopefully as we reach out to each other, that we can all feel supported during our own unique triggering moments and dates and such.

I hope you can feel my friendship in this hug.

:bighug:

It's been nearly 2 months since I last wrote in here.
I've been keeping afloat, somehow.

Papa coco, thank you - I resonated a lot with your message. It was so hard to adapt to the changing of seasons. To get used to the cold and dark mornings/evenings. Somehow it makes me feel vulnerable. I don't remember anyone caring about me being cold or scared or anxious about autumn and having to go to school in the Grey cold, sometimes without warm enough clothing. I don't remember getting tucked in under blankets or being given hot comforting drinks or hugs or anything of the sort.
I guess maybe that feeds into it.

I've been trying to do it for myself. Hot water bottle out all the time, got myself a new fluffy robe, and make myself lots of warm drinks.
Trying to learn new habits.

I've also been going to the gym the past few months. That's a habit I struggled to build my whole adult life and I finally cracked it, and now I go regularly and actually enjoy it. It helps immensely with dusting off the cobwebs, getting out excess anxious energy, dopamine hit post workout to ward off the depressive symptoms...and I've also been cooking myself more healthy meals. I lost a lot of the weight (finally) I gained over covid which has been really nice and good for my self esteem, especially now I can fit into the clothes I really like and the styles that make me feel most like 'me'. I had great shopping trip buying some lovely new clothes and make up..and may have spent a bit too much  ;D

I have had some immense struggles, too. Sleep had been very bad. Lots of fast paced, emotive dreams. Living me exhausted and drained and scared and feeling dread.
I also had a little bit of a disappointing dating experience in September which for some reason made me feel a bit of hopelessness in other people.
We had had a really enjoyable few dates, then I noticed a bit less effort so I asked what his dating goals for the app were and to his credit, he was honest and said he didn't know what he wants and we agreed it was better for me, who is more certain in what my goals are, not to waste my time.
I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it has made me feel like trying is pointless and hopeless...for one thing, there are very few 'normal' single men around who aren't creepy/weird straight off the bat and then when I DO get along well with someone, and we are both in our 30s, even then it's a non-starter.
Dating apps are skewed representation in some way. It definitely attracts a higher percentage of avoidants for example. I don't want to begin any sort of dysfunctional relationship.
The hopelessness took over my optimism and energy and now I don't bother with the app. Will I ever actually meet a guy who is looking for the same things and shares my values and who I can enjoy myself with and who DOES know what he wants?
I feel so very doubtful.

Anyway...that's my updates from the past few months.
Guess I should also be grateful and congratulate myself on the good things I've kept up with but can't lie, my mood has been despondent.

Hi Holidayay,
Nice to see you back here, and good to hear your updates.  I'm glad you've been making yourself warming drinks and having cosy wear to keep warm.

Hope  :)

I've just woken up from hectic dreams and feeling only half asleep. My heart is pounding and I feel so sick and anxious.
My dreams now are different. Today, in my dream, I was going through each family member and the type of personality issue each one has that makes them dangerous to me. I felt anxious as *, and felt the simultaneous pressure I grew up with to placate them and fawn over them and protect them from themselves, almost? If I didn't, it would be a dangerous void or something.
But I stood firm despite how I felt. And now I have woke up with the feeling of pounding in my chest and chest deep pit in my stomach. I am anxious and scared for the future.

Holidayay,

I hope things are calming a bit. It's been 11 days since you reported awakening into the anxiety.

I have triggered days where I awaken in what I call "a sense of dread." I worry about my finances, or my culture, or my kids or wife. It's horrible. The dread feels so incredibly real. I don't enjoy those mornings at all. I hope that, during the past 11 days, you've found some relief from the anxiety. The dread.

Thanks Papa Coco.
It's been a while since I checked in here.

Happy new year to all.

I'm hoping for a steadier 2024. My only wish for this year is to get further back in alignment with my real self.
I wish I could say I have made massive leaps and bounds in this aspect. I haven't. I feel more disconnected than ever.
I don't enjoy much these days. My false self has well and truly fully shattered. There's not really anything left of it. And with it, has gone all the false fragments of identity I'd pieced together that were mostly in the interests of placating others.
I don't care for that anymore. I thought it would be liberating. It isn't. It has just scraped away to leave the full nothing that was underneath it, the very nothing that I always tried to avoid.
It's desperately terrifying.
Today all I could do was cry and feel sad. Again and again, the waves washed over me.
What's next from here? Where will my soul end up?
Because I'm skeptical I can live a life like this.

Keep waking up throughout the night, feeling distressed and remembering different things.
My poor mind feels like it doesn't know where to start, in trying to work through the flashbacks and emotions.

Yesterday night, I kept waking up and remembering my older siblings. Siblings I found terrifying when I was little. In my family, everyone was always trying to get their needs met. It felt like because you couldn't meet them by turning to those older than you, or our actual caregivers, then they would turn on those younger than them, who were vulnerable and easier to scare into submission.
Home felt like where my bullies resided.
I was particularly affected by how they mocked me and sneered at me. And how they spoke constantly of themselves: of all the horrible things they would do such as getting into fights and harming people who they felt wronged them. My brother in particular was grotesque with his details. I would feel so pained for the people he hurt. He seemed to feel it was something to brag about, as though it made him cool or masculine.
I thought it made him seem monstrous.
I didn't want to hear the stories. I already felt terrified and anxious from my mum and other siblings. Hearing these stories of wannabe-gangster type behaviour would push me into the brink. Just leave me alone, I wanted to say.
As I grew up, I assumed some sort of role of listener and comforter/advice giver even though I really felt so drained and traumatised. It felt like the only way to have some sort of control in the situation, to commandeer it into some way of normality.
I feel sick remembering this.
It's like being given no choice. Crossing a young child's boundaries so often, and then the child grows up to believe they should fawn over you and look after YOU.
I am so angry at this.
It sickens me so much.
The very people who hurt me, stressed me out, I was then growing up to placate them and listen to them and become more traumatised hearing their insane stories and being expected to be a dutiful audience?
Laugh when they expect you to laugh.
Call them cool and interesting when they expected that.
Give them comfort and advice and soothe them when they expected that.
It makes me think everyone in the family had their needs so poorly recognised and met, that they went about it in disorganised and nonsensical means of getting them met. Who turns to a young sibling, 8 years younger, to tell them their problems and insane stories of violence and hatred, in order to get kindness and care from this child?
It was all so topsy-turvy.
Mum was too self-centred to do any of that. Even if she wasn't, she didn't have the skills anyway. She didn't seem to think like an adult. She seemed distant and full of hatred herself.

What a mess. How do I untangle this sorry unprocessed messy chapter of my life and let it leave me be?
I can still feel the fear and confusion and anxiety and sadness and helplessness that I felt all those years ago, in the pit of my stomach.

I guess I will bring it to therapy this week. I have an appointment in 2 days time.
First, today, I have to get through a work shift starting soon.
I thought I'd post some of my thoughts on here before getting up, to try to release some of these heavy emotions that wrecked havoc on my sleep yesterday.