I don't understand.
I feel terrified and frustrated.
Its like the world reacts to me like the people in my childhood did regarding my needs: you're on your own.
Except at least as a child, there wasn't the expectation of having to pay rent, maintain a job, and find the money to help you survive.
I come online and its terrifying to read: 'this will take a lot of hard work to overcome' 'this will take many years' 'you need to do x, y and z'. Don't people understand that talking to a c-ptsd triggered person is talking to a small, wounded child? How can a small, wounded child be expected to take care of all these things?
And yes i know i need to take responsibility but I have nothing left to give. I see friends who don't have c-ptsd get an abundance of help and support. Financial, emotional, physical. Me with c-ptsd? None of that and when I'm feeling lower, even more is expected of me to take care of myself because 'i have to take responsibility'.
This is HORRIBLY unfair and i feel resentful and so upset about it.
I want a therapist but I can't find the time because i work full-time.
Therapists in my area I looked up are 80-100£ an hour and I simply don't have that kind of money.
And when I look online, there are so many people who claim to have the answer to help heal, but I have to pay for this book or that book or that course or another course.
If I talk to my friends about it, no-one quite knows what to say.
It seems horribly devastatingly unfair that to be unfortunate enough to be born into a childhood like mine, means life will exponentially get harder.
It feels like no-one in society knows what to do with me.
I am so lonely and scared and feel like I am simply not worthy of or entitled to safety, security and love.
Because no matter how much a stranger who you are paying to see says it, or someone who wrote a book/developed a course repeats this, it comes down to: you are receiving money to say this whilst healthy people are entitled to it, free of charge, from those close to them.
And I have an exam on Tuesday. I can't handle all this right now. I'm sick of minimising, downplaying and ignoring.
I am upset, lonely and feel horrendous.
Sorry you're feeling that way. I wish I had something more encouraging to say, but I agree with you completely about all of this.
Its good you have the option of talking to people online though. That has been far more beneficial to me, than anyone I've paid to say the right things. Which, if nothing else, shows that other people feel the same, even if there are not many of us.
I really hope you feel better soon. All the best with your exam; hopefully it goes well. Just do your best to keep working on yourself. I think that is the best we can really do. Take care! :)
Quote from: Jazzy on August 31, 2019, 11:25:50 PM
. . . I agree with you completely about all of this.
. . . other people feel the same, even if there are not many of us.
When I first read your post, I did not reply because I also agree but didn't know what to say. I think there are more of us out there than we think. Unraveling all of this at the end ones life leaves one in a lonely, unsupported place. Other than a spouse who for 20 years didn't know why I was the way I was until I understood it all myself (understanding and recovering are two different parts to this disorder) and am now a good person in her eyes, talking with my sister, long talks, only to discover she is worse off than I am but didn't know why until we compared life notes after our mother died (and she has gotten better help and is now off her 20 years of meds since we talked), with me not having enough years left to make therapy a reasonable option and really, truly, not having a friend in the world, life can be a sad, lonely place filled with memories of what happened, why it happened, what could have been given a better childhood environment and the so many regrets over all that happened things I did that need not have happened. Yes, it is unfair but I find now knowing and going forward with that knowledge helps make life a better place to be, at times.
We are out there and we both understand and support you even if we can't put it into words. I also hope you feel better soon and hope you do well on your exam. Take care,
I agree, it is hard and unfair that CPTSD is the hand we were dealt holidayay :grouphug:
We do have a section with country specific resources you might want to have a look through. There may be a group or organization you could join for some support, help you find resources, etc - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=262.0.
I don't have many words at the moment, but I hear you, and you are worthy.
I'm in the UK, and I've found it difficult to get help. I've not been able to get NHS help, but they suggested that I contact charities or voluntary organisations because some of them may offer free therapy in areas related to some of my traumas. Also some T's work evenings, and may offer a sliding fee scale.
Thanks everybody for replying.
I have so much empathy for each and every one of you who replied saying you feel the same. I'm sorry we are in this together, because I know how much pain that means you endured, but I am also very glad to have your understanding and support.
I really wish I could heal all of us. I wish I knew all the answers and I could just dole them out here, free of charge (no need to buy my book or course or online coaching sessions!).
I stand with you all! :grouphug: Here's to another day of hope and optimism. I'm going to have a nice breakfast, then continue my revision.
just coming here to say I feel this, too. It is unfair and I feel sad about this exact thing every day. Here's to a better future and hope for all of us. I hope we figure it out...
hollidayay, i hear you, i feel you, and i also wish i could heal us all. wouldn't that be wonderful.
as it is, we can only get by step after little step. know that we are here with you, we get it, and we're all helping each other thru this. sending love and many hugs :grouphug:
I'm not sure about posting this but are others quite impacted by the idea of fairness? I know I am. I try to be fair but life, the world and others do not.
Having suffered I dont want to cause any harm to others and am keen to try to behave fairly. It's almost like a weakness, I live according to rules only I know about. But when others break this rule I get very jaded.
Sorry if this is taking this thread over, that would be unfair of me.......
QuoteHaving suffered I dont want to cause any harm to others and am keen to try to behave fairly. It's almost like a weakness, I live according to rules only I know about. But when others break this rule I get very jaded.
Same here Rainagain, my tolerance for those who don't behave in a respectful, fair way towards me and/or others is very limited. I think after all we've been through that's not a bad thing. :no:
Quote from: Rainagain on September 03, 2019, 07:14:06 AM
I'm not sure about posting this but are others quite impacted by the idea of fairness? I know I am. I try to be fair but life, the world and others do not.
Having suffered I dont want to cause any harm to others and am keen to try to behave fairly. It's almost like a weakness, I live according to rules only I know about. But when others break this rule I get very jaded.
Sorry if this is taking this thread over, that would be unfair of me.......
I feel exactly the same way.
A huge focus on fairness.
I did my exam today, in a nearby city which was beautiful. The day was really good, but ended on a really bad triggering note.
The girl who was travelling with me had several family members call her for support. Of course, I did not. On the way back, despite her living close by, another doctor from the same hospital who started at the same time as us, offered her a lift back. The girl I'd spent the day with asked me how I was getting home and I said 'bus'. She said 'ok bye'. The other doctor texted ME to tell the girl to call her, as she wasn't answering her phone.
Would it really have hurt them so badly just to ask if i wanted a lift home too?
What is it about me that just doesn't seem to warrant any offer of support ever?
This girl is a prime example of abundance of support thrown at her. Her phone wouldn't stop buzzing before and after and the exam with people calling to offer support, and ask how it went. I got a grand total of zero calls.
And then she gets offered a lift home whilst I waited ages for 2 buses, 1 delayed and got home 2.5 hours later when it would have taken about 10 minutes to drive.
And this girl mentioned they had been out for dinner and enjoyed exploring the new city. I asked her why she hadn't asked me to come along before i knew what i was saying. She said something about 'oh, it was a quick decision after shift ended'.
Right.
There's always a reason and excuse why I should never be allowed out of my lonely, exhausting lifestyle of : its just you and no-one cares.
I'm so upset at this, i just don't understand why they couldn't have offered me a lift home too, I live less than a few minutes away and its on the way to the area where the girl with the car lives.
that whole scenario sucks, holidayay. i agree w/ the others that unfairness runs rampant, and it's horrible. sorry you had that experience. it's also including a lot of thoughtless behavior and attitudes. shrug your shoulders and walk away. bloooey! sending love and a hug full of fair your way - i hope you get to experience some soon. :hug:
A little update - I broke today at work and enough was enough.
I rang my occupational health department, I spoke to my consultant, and I made a emergency appointment with my GP on the advice of my occupational health.
...and, well, they were all wonderfully kind and understanding and supportive. Even the receptionists at the GP practice got a side room for me, came and sat with me and hugged me. I cried maybe 20 times throughout the day.
They've all done things to get the ball rolling. I'm seeing an occupational health doctor, my GP is getting me in touch with psych team, and my consultant gave me the afternoon off and said they are here to help however they can.
I'm just relieved these were the responses I got...I had a deep fear that any invalidating responses would be the absolute end of me and thankfully I haven't had to face that, as I did with family far too many times.
Oh no, I'm sorry that happened, but well done for contacting OH, your GP and speaking to your consultant. That's a big step, and I'm so pleased that they supported you in that way.
Sending you supportive hugs and a cup of tea. :hug:
Quote from: Regret on September 01, 2019, 12:15:02 AM
Quote from: Jazzy on August 31, 2019, 11:25:50 PM
. . . I agree with you completely about all of this.
. . . other people feel the same, even if there are not many of us.
When I first read your post, I did not reply because I also agree but didn't know what to say. I think there are more of us out there than we think. Unraveling all of this at the end ones life leaves one in a lonely, unsupported place. Other than a spouse who for 20 years didn't know why I was the way I was until I understood it all myself (understanding and recovering are two different parts to this disorder) and am now a good person in her eyes, talking with my sister, long talks, only to discover she is worse off than I am but didn't know why until we compared life notes after our mother died (and she has gotten better help and is now off her 20 years of meds since we talked), with me not having enough years left to make therapy a reasonable option and really, truly, not having a friend in the world, life can be a sad, lonely place filled with memories of what happened, why it happened, what could have been given a better childhood environment and the so many regrets over all that happened things I did that need not have happened. Yes, it is unfair but I find now knowing and going forward with that knowledge helps make life a better place to be, at times.
We are out there and we both understand and support you even if we can't put it into words. I also hope you feel better soon and hope you do well on your exam. Take care,
I wanted to say to you: for what it's worth, I don't believe its too late. I think there's a certain grieving process once we become aware of our realities, and that grieving process can feel horrible and difficult and like it will last for a long time, but I believe it just needs to happen, to work its way out of our system.
I'm so sorry you have been through so much and have not had the chance to let your true self shine. I see your true self, and I wanted to say to you, you have every right and deserve to tap into this and live life according to your true self's real wants, needs and desires and I'm rooting for you.
Thank you everybody for sharing with me, validating and commiserating with me. Truly, it means so much :grouphug:
Little update - i passed my exam :cheer: thank goodness, one less weight off my shoulders :)
Congratulation holidayay :cheer:
:party:
Congratulations!! :cheer:
Yay you! :thumbup: and :applause: and :cheer:
thanks all!! :grouphug:
Trigger warning **anger***
I've come back to this feeling after what has felt like progress for a bit.
This journey is like riding in a car that is temperamental with its stopping and starting function. Put in effort to get going, go to therapy, do the emotional work, feel like you're on your way, then it stalls and stops again.
I have so much respect for each and every one of you out there on this same journey. Exhaustion takes on a whole other meaning.
I was triggered by the programme cheer, which initially i enjoyed so much, i started following the characters on instagram as I really like and admired how open they were with their struggles. Some of them show clips of them performing and it reminded me of this one family of girls in my school.
3 sisters whose parents appeared on the surface at least, to invest heavily in them. They were very pretty and all went to dance and drama classes. They were popular and performed in the talent shows. In a school where most of the children came from disadvantaged backgrounds, it felt like these girls were being sent every other year to remind the rest of us how awful, useless, un-glossy, unworthy, unloveable and untalented we were. One would leave, and another would arrive.
It felt horrendous watching them receive so much attention, admiration and adulation from the teachers.
I used to feel like my worst fears were reinforced.
Not only did my parents deem me unworthy and unloveable, then now I DEFINITELY was because here are the other adults in the wider world - the teachers - ignoring me and favouring these girls who had so much to offer.
They were smiley, with shiney hair and nice clothes.
They had boyfriends, friends, their parents came to their talent shows and showered them with love and support.
The one in my year grew up to get married and her pictures are so glossy.
It made me so angry to think of this. Why should some children get this exponential show of love and support and encouragement whilst some of us are deprived and increasingly so? I know it sounds ridiculous but I am so angry. Its emotional inequality - we need a robin hood to redistribute emotional support more equally.
Why should they get it all at home, with parents who worked hard, owned a business next to the school for the rest of us to see, and then on top of it, be rewarded for getting so much by getting even more in the wider world? Constant positive reinforcement whilst kids like me....not only did we not get anything at home, I went into arrears with the emotional burdens and bullying and manipulation and guilt-tripping and raging at me not to mention the abuse. With already a huge emotional debt, I then went into school after having nightmares every night, to be faced with more of the emotional turmoil from the bullies at school, from the teachers who definitely did not see me as something cute, shiney and talented.
Well, maybe some did when they wrote my report card and gave me good grades.
But in my anger, I don't really want to be reasonable. I want to be angry and just let this feeling flow without anyone trying to reason with me to look at things from an adult perspective - something I feel I've been pushed to do from as early as I can remember. 'See it from your mum's side, she has a lot of kids with barely any help!' (she CHOSE to have kids and PUSHED support away with her rages and spiteful nature). She took centre stage as the eternal victim, who somehow remained a victim despite acting horrifically.
Yet if I acted badly at school, i wouldn't be rewarded with this same compassion asked of me. I would be punished - sent outside the classroom, given detention and report card sent home.
So why should those shiney girls get more and more and more of the beautiful things life has to offer whilst I have to work overtime to get even a smidgeon of their experience? To get a smidgeon of compassion from myself, which still on most days, seems alien and foreign.
Oh yes, and let's not forget that even when the small glimpses of good things DO happen, they have a side of guilt attached to them which I was of course conditioned to feel, to ensure my family's needs were always prioritised.
And then people say 'do gratititude journals'. Please. When did these 3 girls ever have to express gratitutide for even basic human dignity and decency thrown their way, which came in adundance? Whereas I'm supposed to express joy and gratitutde for desperately working on and achieving glimpses of dignity and decency. 'Be grateful you have a roof over your head! Food on your table!'
I worked damn hard to have those things. I go to work when the trauma is milling around in my head and plough through to get paid so i can pay my rent to have somewhere in which i can come home to, so continue working on my trauma.
I bet those girls NEVER had to think of their living environment in such a desperate way, I bet they took it for granted that they could be supported and loved with a safe place to go home to - as they deserved to and as EVERY child deserves to.
And the classic 'some people are out in the cold right now' - sorry I am not homeless due to not having a job or living in a war torn country. Those are also bad predicaments, and they probably have their own emotional issues too.
But asking me to be grateful for the little I scavenge for myself on a daily basis - the ability to feel safe, connected and even a little bit worthy - enrages me. These are basic human rights we should all be entitled to in a civilised world.
And it completely invalidates all the pain, hurt, confusion that leads to anger, jealousy and hate that arises when for 5 years, you witness your peer being praised with love and support, whilst you are continuously mocked, ridiculed and burdened with problems far beyond your capacity.
I am so angry. At least, world, let me feel this without trying to shut it down by comparisons with people who 'have it worse' or that I am 'lucky'. (Lucky is what i describe winning the lottery, for example. 'Lucky' is NOT hard work - both in education, emotional and mental - in overcoming a million obstacles to get a job and get away from an evil family. The good things in my life did not happen by chance. They took sweat, blood and tears from my nervous system that was already overwhelmed).
God I'm angry.
Hey holidayay, what you have said just resonated deeply with me. Everything that you just wrote I have been thinking for my whole life. I feel like half of my parts are just anger, but anger that I cannot yet process (I'm dissociating even when writing this). Yet I'm happy for you that you finally are able to put it into words, and express it. What you said is valid. If I would be able to process my emotions right now, I would probably be crying.
I've been struggling with this whole thing, with believing it and pushing it away. I hope I'll get to be where you are with my progress.
In any case, I'm here with you and I want you to know that you are not alone in this.
Here's a hug, when you feel ready. :hug:
Quote from: marta1234 on March 08, 2020, 08:18:48 PM
Hey holidayay, what you have said just resonated deeply with me. Everything that you just wrote I have been thinking for my whole life. I feel like half of my parts are just anger, but anger that I cannot yet process (I'm dissociating even when writing this). Yet I'm happy for you that you finally are able to put it into words, and express it. What you said is valid. If I would be able to process my emotions right now, I would probably be crying.
I've been struggling with this whole thing, with believing it and pushing it away. I hope I'll get to be where you are with my progress.
In any case, I'm here with you and I want you to know that you are not alone in this.
Here's a hug, when you feel ready. :hug:
Bless you, I hope things get easier for you with time in processing your emotions. I am here with you too, and your thoughts and feelings are completely valid.
Hugs to you too, if that's okay :hug:
Just read this post now. I resonate holidayay with everything you've said. I'm glad you got support from your GP and consultant. :hug:
Quote from: brightlight on March 09, 2020, 11:47:23 PM
Just read this post now. I resonate holidayay with everything you've said. I'm glad you got support from your GP and consultant. :hug:
Sending. you and anyone else who may resonate hugs and positivity as this is very difficult to have endured. I hope we all are able to progress through this and heal :grouphug: