Out of the Storm

Hi,

Just rejoined the site. I can't remember why I deleted my profile a few months ago. Ironically, I was probably very triggered - so staying in the site probably would have been a good idea. Mind you CPTSD isn't a rational beast.

Anyway, I've missed having somewhere to come. And this is such a good site. Thank you for letting me back.

I'm feeling triggered at the moment. I've made mistakes at work.  I've posted about this before.  Work is a big part of my identity. I'll explain why. As a child I was made to feel useless and important. That was until I was about 9 and I started doing well at school. For the first time I was noticed and got positive attention. I worked very hard to keep up my only supply of positive attention.

As an adult I get the same satisfaction and reassurance at work as I did at school. So when I make errors, I worry my source of comfort is threatened.  My whole fragile world is threatened.

I understand it's a maladaptive coping system that I have developed. But for the most part it works. It's quite simply perfectionism. But it's what makes me a darn good member of staff.  I have an enormous work rate. I'm driven.

I work part time and I'm very organised. I'm taking on additional more complex work.  Also, there is a constant flow of work, which I can keep up with if I don't take time off. If I'm off, is hard to catch up. That combined with the new, more involved work is what had caused the errors.

They are relatively minor errors, all resolve-able. But they trigger my Inner Critic: I'm useless - they're gonna sack me.

But, I've recognised what is happening. I've come back here. I will speak to someone at work too. These are positives.

welcome back, snookie.  good to see you again.  i agree, these are positives.  good luck w/ the work stuff.  sending love and hugs. :hug: :hug:

Thank you sanmagic7 :hug:

Welcome back, Snookiebookie!  :heythere:

Intense. Frustrating.  Irritating.   Triggering.   Just a few ways I'd describe today.

Not enough time. So many things needing my attention.  All involved.  All technical.  Just a few of the feelings I had.

I spoke with my boss and tried  explain that I'm beginning to juggle many things.  I offered to work some extra hours but stressed this was a temporary measure.   He was receptive  and offered to arrange payment of overtime.   At the time of the conversation I thought it had gone well, but snippets keep popping in my head and I feel stupid.   Damn my Inner Critic.

I should be focusing on my proactivity, that I took responsibility,  that I came up with solutions.   Yet, feel shame and self loathing at the phrases I used.

The thing is I think I'm in for a few more weeks of struggling and juggling.  It's going to difficult and unpleasant, but it will get better and easier.  My Inner Critic isn't helping or the intense negative emotions. 

Woke up. Can't sleep. Thinking of work.  Ruminating.  :fallingbricks:

Remember: I have CPTSD. This makes life hard.  I am just dealing with a difficult situation, made a little worse by my CPTSD. My limbic system is in overdrive, that's all.

Stay calm. Be focused. Be realistic. Be compassionate. Do self care. This will pass.

Right, off to listen to BBC Radio 4 - great for distracting me to sleep.

sending love and a hug filled with support and care. :hug:  hang tough, snookie - we're hangin' right beside you!  :grouphug:

I hope you managed to get back to sleep.

QuoteI am just dealing with a difficult situation, made a little worse by my CPTSD.

That's good self-awareness :applause:. I find it so easy to forget this.

Sanmagic7: thank you for your comments and support.  :hug:

Snowdrop: Yes, I fell back to sleep.  And thanks for your positive comments too.  :)

Another busy and taxing day. Similar to yesterday, but there's much less rumination today.   I think this is partly because I have a few days off of work.  Looking forward to relaxing.

I'm feeling a little empty today.

I visited my brother. Honestly, I don't know why I bother. He hardly spent any time in the room. He was cooking. Or washing up. Or sorting the tumble dryer.  Really wanted to see us!  I wouldn't mind but he made the arrangement.

I felt unwanted. Just like with my mum. I wasn't important. Invisible. Ignored. Not worthy of any attention.

Then I heard from my only friend. Her father is quite ill. She's having a hard time.  It looks like she's not going to be able to go on holiday with her family next week. She's insisted that her husband and daughter to without her.  Her dad is really suffering emotionally - and obviously she's finding that hard.

I really feel her pain.  I've offered to be there for her and be shoulder to cry on.   I feel quite upset for her. 

Sorry to hear your brother was so distracted, and how you felt unwanted. I know that feeling well, its not very nice. Hopefully things clear up for you, your friend, and her dad soon. Its great of you to offer to be there for her. Take care! :)

Thank you for your comments Jazzy :)

**"TRIGGER WARNING ***
This entry mentions CSA

I've only ever mentioned this to one person before.  So this is a brave step.  There was CSA from my brother.

I suppose I ignored it. I rationalize it - it only happened twice. And as soon as I said I wasn't happy, it never happened again. So I forgave him. It was like he couldn't help it. He was just curious.

I think therapy and having my own teenage daughter had brought this memory back. And now I see that it was wrong. I feel so angry.  I feel used.

My dad had violent mood swings leading to deep emotional and mental abuse with lots of domestic violence. Then my mum became emotionally distant and highly critical of me - casting me as the family scapegoat.  She got between me and my daughter and made me feel a failure and a monster.  And now the realisation of what my brother did being so deeply, deeply wrong. It makes me feel like dirt. My whole family were mean to me. I find that hard to deal with.

For many years I looked up to my brother. I adored him because he was so cool. But whilst we've always stayed in touch over  the years, I've slowly realised that he isn't interested in me (see previous post).  I think he only stays in touch out of a sense of duty and because there is no easy way of breaking ties.

Since I've reappraised what he did to me, I've realised it was abuse. It's been hard to maintain our friendship, but for the sake of our families I have.  I will never confront him about it, it reveal it. It will cause so much wreckage, and that's unnecessary.  But the utter disdain or disinterest he shows is insult to injury.

He always seems to disagree with me. As judgemental as my mum used to be.  Always willing to show his anger at what he perceives are my mistakes. Quick to point out where I'm wrong or stupid.

A few years ago I was at loggerheads with my employer at that time.  I was trying to explain to him, as he is quite up on HR issues and employment regulations. I mentioned mental health issues. He got very cross with me, raising his voice and got critical. Telling me to stop playing on my mental health issues. Making me feel awful and stupid whilst he was a guest in my home.

After that incident I wanted to go no contact. My mum convinced me not to do so.

Since my mother's passing, I see a lot less of him. But there have been good times.  Times that remind me of the good times we had as children. 

A lot of the toxic situations have gone, hence the improvement in my mental health.  My brother only occasionally is a trigger now.   What happened yesterday inevitably brings back the had things that he's done to me

I just trying to make sense of all this. Bit overwhelmed now...

I'm sorry Snookiebookie. I find these sorts of family realisations really hard going. I have similar issues with one brother just that in the past it was CPA not CSA.

You are not dirt!

We are here for you. Safe  :hug: if appropriate for you, otherwise ignore.

Thanks Blueberry.

Thanks for the affirmation that I'm not dirt. It helps when someone validates me.

And I really do value the feeling of safety here.  :thumbup:

It's been a gruelling day. :stars:

Back to work after a few days off.   I had four or five urgent emails, several other bits of work and a last minute meeting!

I actually lost sleep thinking about work. Literally had three hours sleep.  I can't believe just how triggered and deregulated I was.  I found it hard to settle. The positive I'm taking away, is that at least I got some sleep.  I ended up trying to lay quietly and focus on my breathing. It did the trick.

I was extremely focussed at work and whizzed through loads. As I've said before I'm putting in extra hours to push through all this new and complex work.  I feel proud at what I managed to do today.

So tonight is feet up and relax watching TV in bed.  And hopefully a reasonable nights sleep.

 Here's to feet up and relaxing!  :applause:

Hi Snookie,
I hope you had a relaxing evening and that you slept a bit better last night? 
Hope things go ok today.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope.

I had a great night's sleep, thank you. And my day went well.

Thanks for your comment and interest.

Feeling triggered again.

I'm not having much down time. Not much "safe" space time.    It's been quite hard going lately. I'm feeling unhappy and disconnected.

I'm trying to think of actinY I can take to improve things.

Work is a big trigger. I only work part time and I fret and worry what's happening when I'm not there. I also convince myself that I've done things wrong, and lose sleep.

One time, I was worrying over a weekend, and losing sleep. So I logged on to my works email account. This allowed me to check things out and put my mind at rest that everything was okay.

Over the last few months I've been logging on from home frequently. I've been doing this to put my mind at rest and see that things are controllable. Usually it's okay and puts my mind at rest. But I'm not truly switching off.

A few times though I've actually seen emails where someone had suggested that there is a problem. This then causes me to worry even more than normal. Ironically,when I arrive at work the next day, I can see that has been caused by someone else and that I've done everything perfectly.  But by then I've lost sleep and triggered myself really badly.

So the first positive action that I've taken is that I've deleted my link to work emails.  It's not in my job description to check them.   I'm going to try to have work free evening and weekends.

The next positive step is that I've put in extra hours at work to take on some extra technical work.  This is mainly a temporary thing, to get on top of the additional work.  I'm doing a few more early starts this week. After that, I will only do early starts occasionally to do a particularly difficult technical item of work. This is because mornings are quiet and it's ideal to have that peace to focus.

I've had difficulties with my husband. He's very highly strung and stubborn. He has his own mental health issues, such as OCD style traits. 

We've had a difficult few weeks in which we've had problems with a second hand car.  We eventually swapped it for another vehicle, but not until we'd bickered and argued a lot.  I'm very jaded by it.  Thankfully the situation has been sorted. I did point out to my husband that he was making problems between us.  He was stubborn, changing his mind at will, argumentative, impatient and bad tempered.   

My family also think they can use me to suit their purpose, without talking to me properly.  So if they want a cup of coffee, they'll just demand it, it hint at me.  I have told them that they should ask me politely. They can have some respect.  I am going to try and only do things when they ask me politely and considerately.

Finally, I'm lonely.  But I crave attention, approval and friendship.  I often find myself fawning over people. Or making myself uncomfortable to trying and fit in.  Yet I just feel disconnected and disjointed. I've noticed recently how much everyone around me seen to be sparring with each other. They're constantly point scoring or jostling for position.  They seem insincere.  So now that I've noticed this, I'm not bothered if I fit in with them.  I'm going try and be me, and do my own thing. Actually, I don't really like them

 :stars:

I'm shattered! It's not quite 6pm and I'm in bed.   I slept better than expected last night, but it wasn't a restful sleep.

Work is a bind. I'm just about keeping on top of everything, but only just, with lots of effort. I'm feeling frustration. But I've made some good progress in other ways.

I'm snuggled in bed with my cat. I have a coffee and I'm watching TV and I'm looking forward to my favourite program. 

Snuggling in a cozy bed with a beloved furry friend and watching an enjoyable show sounds like heaven. Hope you get some rest and recuperation. :cloud9:

I'm really struggling with my temper.  I'm reacting far too quickly and out of proportion. I haven't been reacting like this for quite some time.

I was out walking with  husband and daughter at the weekend. My husband was talking to me, so I wasn't looking where I was going.  I bumped into a lamp post but was unhurt. However my daughter began to make fun of me.

In the past all of my family would bring up embarrassing situations, over and over again. My mum in particularly was bad for this.  She'd even make fun of me for things from when I was as young as eight.  It wasn't the ridicule that got to me, but the inference that I'd done something really stupid. This has left  me feeling very very sensitive to this kind of thing.

So when my daughter started to make fun of me, I was really triggered. So I reacted. I snapped at her that I'd been distracted and that I'd not done anything wrong.  My daughter replied flippantly that "it wasn't that deep". I shouted at her, and my husband. 

Unfortunately, both my husband and daughter didn't understand why I felt hurt and humiliated, so they weren't very sympathetic.

Whilst I think they should try and understand, I can accept that I was a little too quick and out of proportion. So now I feel ashamed of my reaction. I did apologize to them both and tried to explain why I'd reached like that.

I've had other instances where I've been a little quick with my temper, or a little overbearing. But I don't want to be that person.

I had been doing well in maintaining my boundaries in a measured and calm manner. We'd done well as a family in reducing conflicts. 

I think there are several factors at play. Firstly, I think my hormones are out of sync as I've had my coil/IUD removed. I'm probably peri-menopausal too.  My skin had erupted with cystic acne too.

I've found my husband even more difficult than usual. I discussed this with my therapist this week.  My husband has OCD type traits and his mannerisms have really tested my patience.  He will put high priority on minor things, and ignore major things life my opinion, my thoughts, my needs. He'll fall over himself to help others, but be difficult and argumentative if I ask for anything, despite me being calm and explaining things to him.

I'm also a bit jaded with work (talked to much about this in previous posts here).  I've put in lots of extra hours recently, so I'm tired.

I think I could cope with all this if I was getting some success or satisfaction in life - little victories.  The absence of nice things can make a rough patch feel worse.

It's no wonder my patience had worn thin and I've reverted to old habits

I found myself nodding in empathetic agreement while reading this post, snookie. I'm very irritable today. Feels good to not be alone. Thanks for the post.    :thumbup:

Hi Three Roses

Thanks for your comments.  It's nice to feel understood.  I feel less isolated.  X

Hey Snookie,
I really empathise and feel that struggle. I would probably feel quite snappy in your position as well. If your husband/child doesn't understand, at least entrust that we do. ^^ You're not alone.

Thank you Perplex. I appreciate your comments and support x

 :fallingbricks:

Toughest day for a while!

Another error spotted at work.  Could not undo it but its okay and isn't too much of an issue. But it's  upset me.  So demoralising.

But it happened because  I was under pressure and too busy.    This is the third or four problem in the last 3 months.

But despite these errors I have been proactive and dealt with some really difficult matters at work. But I can't feel good because of the errors.

I have forgotten things at home.  I even posted a letter and I don't think I put a stamp on it. It was some quite important documents too!  I'm hoping it'll be okay.

I always pride myself on being organised and good at remembering things. I feel like I've lost a sense of myself now.  And my shame and perfectionism is in overdrive.   

And I've had to speak to hubby.   He interrupted me and talked over me loudly when I was talking to my friend.   Even when I pointed out that he'd done it, he just carried on talking.

When my friend left I calmly explained that I was upset.  I said that he ignores me, snaps, gets impatient and talks over me all the time and its getting me down.  I explained that I wasn't trying to make him feel bad, but it was really getting  to me.

Eventually hubby hugged me and said sorry.   But he's upstairs sulking - which is irritating.   

And it's  just been a frustrating day, and I seem to have dealt with soooo many irritating and frustrating people.

I worried that I wont sleep tonight

:stars:

I've no words of wisdom for you but I just wanted to let you know that someone listened. I'm sorry you feel frustrated and worried.  :hug: if you want one.

Sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope you feel better soon, and get some good rest. Take care! :)

Three Roses and Jazzy, thank you for your replies x.   It helps to know that there are people out there listening  :heythere:

Currently can't sleep as my inner critic is eating at me.  It is making me feel worthless - and I know that I should not listen to it.  I need some mechanism to get through this.

Hubby sound asleep after sulking and then getting upset with me  :blahblahblah:.  I'm off back to bed and to listen to the radio in the hope that I can lull myself to sleep. 

Mixed progress over the last few days.

I'm currently waiting to see if I've sorted a mistake at  work last week.  It should be okay, but I'm worried and scared in case it doesn't go my way. My ICr had been taunting with images of it going wrong. I'm properly terrified to find out what has happened, in case it's negative, but I need closure.

I did do some good work last week though. I got rid of some old difficult cases and did some good collections, and next week's collection are looking like they could be huge!

I finished the working week feeling more in control and more organized than recent weeks.

I also spent an afternoon with a work colleague, who I think had similar issues to me. I like her and we seem to have connected. So that was a big positive.

I've found my teenage daughter very triggering though. She lost her pre-paid bus pass and it was left to me to fix.  But she refused to speak to me on the phone, and ended up sending sassy texts.  I had to traipse out in the rain to arrange a replacement pass.  So her attitude wasn't appreciated.

She has been told that because of her attitude that it'll be responsibility to sort, and pay for, the next replacement pass.  Plus she's hoping to go to a concert, and she's been told that if she behaves that way again, then she will not go.

It was so triggering because their were echoes of my mother.  She would expect me to sort all problems, no matter how she treated me.  I have tried to show my daughter that she should have respect for someone, especially if they are doing you favour.  Occasionally, my daughter lapses back in to old habits and thinks she can push you to do something just being mean and sassy. 

I did manage to spend some quality, alone time with my husband.  He admitted that he'd been very grumpy over the last few months.  He said that his worrying, especially about work was the cause. He apologized for his behaviour. 

Finally, I'm very hormonal.  I'm finding that quite difficult to deal with as I haven't had any PMT since I had my coil. Now that's removed my hormones are all over the shop.

So some positives - some negatives. Two steps forward, and two steps back, but I feel spun around.

I'm impressed with the way you're setting positive goals and examples for your daughter. Teenagers can be very :stars:, so a big :applause: for you there! Also, it's awesome that your h was able to take responsibly for some grumpiness and get that off your shoulders.

Sorry to hear about the hormones. Been there etc! It gets better, hang in there.

I've been meaning to do this entry for a while, but have been putting it off.  I need to write about my mother.

I grew up in an abusive household.  It's all I knew from birth.  But the abuser was my dad. I believe he had Borderline personality disorders.  He had the mood swings, fear of abandonment and explosive temper.  He also exhibited paranoia and control.

My mum, my brother and I were subjected to emotional and mental abuse.  There was also domestic physical violence.  But the crushing thing was the feeling of being trapped. We had no option but to put up with it. For many years I didn't think that we'd ever escape this prison.

Due to our mutual misery we all pulled together, against my dad. We supported each other through all of this.  That felt good, to have people there who understood.  I remember taking a lot of solace from this support system.  It was also one of the few places that I'd receive affection. My dad was very fragile and immature, and resented anyone getting more affection that him. So quite often I'd not get any attention from my mum when he was around.

I have a few memories of spending time with my mum and feeling loved. I also remember her speculating what life would be like if he wasn't around.  I dreamed for that to be real

When I was 16, just before my school exams, my mum snapped.  She climbed out of a window after my dad locked her in the house.  She never came back. She never made contact. I knew where she was, but I thought she'd be in touch or come home.

After about 2 and half months of dealing with my dad's violence on my own,  I cracked. I confided in a teacher. She contacted my mum, who criticised me for not being in touch with her! 

My mum had found a one bedroom flat. She'd also met someone, who was sleeping over every evening.  And when I turned up, she told me I'd have to sleep on the sofa.

I later found out that this boyfriend of 2 months had cheated on her and split up with her before I came back on the scene.  So the relationship had been rocky in that short amount of time. Yet despite that she wasn't going to put her daughter before this new boyfriend.

As a mum of a daughter of a similar age, I cannot imagine making her feel second best.  I would walk over broken glass or through fire to protect and look after her. It makes me realize how my mum must have thought and felt about me. It's an issue that I've discussed in therapy on many occasions.

The idea had been that my mum would look for a two bedroom flat. But that never happened.  In the end I got terribly depressed. My mum told me off for crying.  I was also told that I was just run down and needed to take vitamins.

I became more and more lonely and withdrawn.  My mum just wanted to please her boyfriend and curl up with him watching TV. She never had any time for me.  She got jealous of him if he went out without her. One of the few times that she spent time with me was only done to make him jealous.

Eventually I got so depressed that my mum said that I should go home as I was homesick. I still can't believe that she suggested it. I can't believe she let happen. I felt like I was an inconvenience.

Life with my dad was thoroughly miserable. He punched me. He talked dirty, sexual stuff to me. He was emotionally abusive telling me how horrible I was. But now I didn't have a support network. I was desperate.

Mum couldn't help as she'd moved and they had no spare room.   I found somewhere and eventually moved in with my boyfriend.

Contrast my mother's attitude to that when my brother was desperate for somewhere to live, they actually converted and extended a closet to a box room for him.

When I lived away from my mum, if I didn't contact her, she didn't contact me.

I did actually move in with my mum again. But again her partner came first. If I wanted to talk to her I'd have to do it in the kitchen, whilst making a drink or a sandwich. 

My mum was very appearance oriented. She was vain.  You always had to dress and look your best.  But she had lots of spare money and had a great figure. I'm very tall and overweight. I don't always have lots of disposable income. Also I'm not really interested in clothes. So I never measured up in my appearance. She let me know it too. I felt incredibly inadequate.

She could be critical about other things too. When I was single for four years she couldn't help making comments. Bearing in mind that I developed incredible social anxiety and didn't have any friends to go out with (my only friend had gotten engaged and from then on didn't go out with me anymore).

But the worst was to come - my daughter was born.  I lived less than a mile from my mum. I'd bought a house that close hoping my mum would visit me as much as I visited her. But it never happened. I might as well lived in another country.  But then when my daughter was born she was never away.

Obviously a baby is hard work. My mum could see that I was finding it hard in the first month. She offered to take her for an afternoon.  It was amazing, I slept!

It became that my mum would take her every Saturday afternoon. We'd pick her up in the evening. That was great.But then when we there in an evening, I wanted to put my daughter to bed at her usual bed time. I was told I was being mean. Then I was ignored.

Slowly over a period of several months everyone agreed that my daughter would spend the weekend at mums. But as we spent most of Saturday there, I'd still see my daughter. But whatever I wanted to do I got shouted at. My suggestions were always wrong.

When she wa at my mums my daughter didn't have a bedtime. No regular meal times. No need to brush her teeth. Could eat what she wanted. Could gorge on sweets. Could ignore me. 

If I argued, then I was being harsh. No one else backed me up. I was a lone voice. Everyone else was happy. Mum got to treat her grandchild. My husband was absolved of all responsibility and didn't have to lift a finger. My daughter was in seventh heaven and got everything she wanted. I was a monster for arguing. I obviously had something wrong with me.

Once again I was deeply unhappy. I was powerless.  I was the scapegoat.   And the person keeping this going was the one person I adored - my mum. The one person that I wanted to impress - my mum.  Yet she seemed to be disgusted by me. 

She would do anything to keep my daughter doting on her. She just wanted to my daughter's favourite person, no matter the cost or amount of effort. It was clear that it didn't matter if that made me look bad. in fact , she benefited if I looked unhinged, mean or angry.

Over the years though, I don't quite recall how, but I managed to reduce the amount of time that my daughter spend at my mum's. But my daughter and I were still at loggerheads. I was the person who insisted on a bed time, that she eat her greens, and brush her teeth. So, still proving all the things my mum said to her behind my back.

In 2016 my mum passed away. I was there with her, supporting and loving her to the end. I was heartbroken.

During therapy over the last couple of years, I've been piecing together the damage she reeked.  I find it hard to connect the image of my mum giving me some attention when I was eight years old with the woman who made me feel alienated in my own family.

I've worked hard on relationships with my husband and daughter.  I've had some very intense and trying times with my daughter since but we have reduced the anger and strife.  She is more rational and understanding. She accepts that things were dysfunctional and that things are calmer now.

I genuinely feel that my mum is the major cause of my CPTSD.  I know that it's said that narcissists cause it. I've never quite been able to consider my mum a narcissist. Sure she had traits, but a full on narc? 

I find it hard to deal with though.  The daydream of how life would be without my dad didn't live up to expectations. But, oh my god, I never expected the hurt and pain that I'd feel.

I feel like I've never had any love from either of my parents.

I've made sense of it in therapy, but I'm still processing the emotions.

Snookie,

I want you to know that I read your post and have heard you. Brave of you to share. It all sounds very complex and extremely painful. Sending you a compassionate hug.  :hug: You were worthy to be love by your mom and your dad. They both failed you. Those were their shortcomings and brokenness.

I have read your entire post and empathize with every word.

I agree with notalone, you're brave to share, you're worthy of love, but they failed you because of their own pain.

It's brave and good that you are confronting the dysfunction you were raised in so as to change your daughter's trajectory through life.

I'd like to also state that my f definitely had narcissistic tendencies, but I don't think he would have been diagnosed as one. People can have narcissistic tendencies without having narcissistic personality disorder, and it's every bit as damaging to the children they raise. Sending you a hug filled with compassion and understanding (if it's okay).

First of all, good job with sharing this. That can be hard to do, but it can be very helpful as well. Sorry to hear about your F. My M is diagnosed with BPD as well. While she's not as obviously bad as your F, it is still difficult to deal with. Good job making it through all that!

Also, I'm sorry your M has treated you horribly. It is amazing how someone would abandon their own child in an abusive household like that. Even worse, continuing to show she cares least about you, as time went on. It sounds like you have done your best to treat your M well, despite how she treated you. I hope you can be proud of this. As the others said, the way she acted in return is a reflection on her, and not at all on you.

It is good that you've been able to make sense of all this. I hope your processing goes well. That can be a tricky thing, I think. Take care! :)

thanks for sharing, snookie.  i hope it helped to get it out.

our traumas can come from many different kinds of people in many different kinds of ways.  they don't have to be narcs.  neither of my parents were, yet the emotional neglect has left its own set of scars and issues.

glad you've been able to process this in therapy, and are taking your time dealing w/ the emotions that spring from it.  sorry you had to go thru such treatment.  you didn't deserve it, not for a moment. 

sending love and a hug full of compassion :hug:

Hi guys,  :wave:

Wow!  I am bowled over by your responses. 

it was very difficult, but also very important for me to write about my mum.  I was also very reassured that you all responded so positively too.  All of your comments have been heartwarming.

So thank you Notalone, Three Roses, Jazzy and San.  Thank you for your love.

So for today's entry.....

Work has been the worst day ever  :fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:

We had a new email system installed.  It has not gone well.  But I actually can only do a limited amount of work using the system.  So that means work is going to back up. 

As you may know from previous entries, I have taken on a some more taxing, complex work recently.  So obviously that increases my work load.  And I have taken a bit of annual leave, due having so much accrued.  When I am away, my work mounts up and I have to catch it up.

The kind of work I do, there is always new work added daily, so it is important to keep on top of it and work at the same pace as the incoming work.  I have struggled when I take time off to catch up.  I have mentioned this a couple of times to my managers.

Well today, when I sat down to create today's list of new work, I felt overwhelmed.    I have previously had 3 or 4 claims per day to deal with.   Today there will be 9.  I still have 19 claims to do from last week, when people hand me their paperwork.  I did do a few claims from last weeks work, which actually means that I there were 25 claims last week.    That's far more than I am used to doing. 

On top of which, we may be getting new people in and this may add a further 50% to my work load.  I am at breaking point. 

so I spoke to my team leader and explained all of this.  She is going to see what she can do, even if it's short term. 

I am so deflated.... it feels like one thing after another.

I feel a failure - even in spite of the evidence as to the fact that the work load has increased. 

I feel like I am starting from scratch....

My boss did say I have done a fantastic job.  she also said that they will accept that things may slip till this is fixed. 

:stars:

I actually had verbal responses to this post! Haha! Sitting here alone in my room, with my first cup of coffee, a couple of your comments elicited exclamations from me namely

QuoteWe had a new email system installed.

Just that comment alone made me say " :aaauuugh:"! Before I even got to the rest of your post.

QuoteI have previously had 3 or 4 claims per day to deal with.   Today there will be 9.  I still have 19 claims to do from last week, when people hand me their paperwork.  I did do a few claims from last weeks work, which actually means that I there were 25 claims last week

and

QuoteOn top of which, we may be getting new people in and this may add a further 50% to my work load.  I am at breaking point

also brought exclamations and facial contortions!

Administrative work was my background, too, and the tiredness from thinking is every bit as exhausting as physical work, just a different kind of exhaustion. Hopefully your team leader will be able to find some extra support for you, this is really too much for you. It would be unreasonable to expect that you could keep up, it's just simply too much!

You're most definitely NOT a failure, that is really a lot to deal with. I know, I've been there! You're awesome  :cheer: :applause:

I agree with 3R.

I can understand the feeling of overwhelm, but I think there are many positives. You spoke to your team leader, which is a big thing, and you've been told what a fantastic job you're doing. This is in the face of an increased workload, and the new email system - I know what that's like!

You are in no way a failure. Maybe you feel like that because your inner critic is being a bit tetchy? What it's saying isn't true. You're doing brilliantly.  :cheer:

This might sound a bit random, but have you ever tried using Rescue Remedy? Everybody's different, but I mention it because I find it helpful. I find that it takes the heat out of stressful situations so that I can cope better. Just a thought.

:hug:

Three Roses & Snowdrop thanks for your repies. They were helpful.

Today has been better.  Emails working.  Mistake that I made has been fixed. Progress made with backlog.   When I catch up I can train someone to help with repetitive tasks. 

Light at the end of the tunnel

I had  frustrating afternoon,  that was almost frightening.   I needed to make changes to an online portal that I use for work.  After three phone calls and several emails I'd gotten nowhere. So I tried to fix the problem myself.  I made it worse! I nearly deleted my access!!  I cannot  do my job without  access.  So in panic, I had to call again and got cut off again. So I called AGAIN!

Eventually,  my access was reinstated.  Phew.  I also sorted the original problem.

I am really  feeling like I can't do right for doing wrong ATM.   The harder I try the less successful things are.  Perhaps  I should try less...

I wish I could just switch my head off for a week! And then reboot myself.

I get hassled and pestered all the time and never truly switch off.  I often think of booking a hotel nearby and just laying and watching TV for 24 or 48 hours,  alone and peaceful.   It might help reboot my brain and my mood.

I'm feeling run down. I'm suffering from blurred vision in one eye, dizziness and vertigo.   I almost passed out.  I'm assuming it's stress or tiredness. Or too much cortisol or adrenaline.

So I'm having a lazy evening......a bit of self care

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on November 13, 2019, 08:50:52 PM
I had  frustrating afternoon,  that was almost frightening.   I needed to make changes to an online portal that I use for work.  After three phone calls and several emails I'd gotten nowhere. So I tried to fix the problem myself.  I made it worse! I nearly deleted my access!!  I cannot  do my job without  access.  So in panic, I had to call again and got cut off again. So I called AGAIN!

Eventually,  my access was reinstated.  Phew.  I also sorted the original problem.

I am really  feeling like I can't do right for doing wrong ATM.   The harder I try the less successful things are.  Perhaps  I should try less...

I wish I could just switch my head off for a week! And then reboot myself.

I get hassled and pestered all the time and never truly switch off.  I often think of booking a hotel nearby and just laying and watching TV for 24 or 48 hours,  alone and peaceful.   It might help reboot my brain and my mood.

I'm feeling run down. I'm suffering from blurred vision in one eye, dizziness and vertigo.   I almost passed out.  I'm assuming it's stress or tiredness. Or too much cortisol or adrenaline.

So I'm having a lazy evening......a bit of self care

That all sounds really tiring and frustrating... I hope you will take the time to practice that self care a bit. It's deserved after such a long day.

Another mixed day.

Finally got some help.   I've trained a colleague to fo some routine tasks   this should free up about 30-45 minutes per day. 

But....I've found some more mistakes!!!  My perfectionism is terrible!!!  I've made 7 mistakes in the last 4 months.  That's more than the last 12 months.  I feel useless!

I'm hoping that I can pull it all back on track with this help that I've got.  But I'm worried that people will lose faith in me or I'll get in trouble.

I don't think that I'm switching off properly.   With the new email system it's so easy to log in to check. And my perfectionism is making me do this all the time!! 

I know I need to forget about work when I'm not there. So that I'm at my best when I'm there.  But I feel quite dissociated at the moment.   I feel like I'm loosing my mind. It's quite frightening really.  I even forgot my PIN number (which I've had for years).  I'm doing things twice, or forgetting  them totally.....

:fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:

My memory can go a bit wobbly when I'm dissociated too. You're not alone in that.

I'm glad you've trained a colleague to free you up, but it still sounds as though you're under a lot of stress. Would more self-care this evening help?

Sending you love and hugs. :hug:

When I'm stressed my memory goes to 💩. You're not alone. And that amount of errors seems very, very low! Hang in there.

Snowdrop & Three Roses thank you for your comments.

I did do an evening of self care. I've also made s decision to switch off from work every day when I get home.  Which is difficult when I'm still ruminating from the day.  But I'm not working from home anymore, and will try to resist the urge to check emails.

I need to focus on the positives that I've achieved.  I've reduced the debt by 75%. I've set up procedures that mean most fees are paid in 3-6 months (if not less).  Due to my reviews I have identified any errors and oversights by my predecesdors which have never come to light due to lack of system and due to apathy.  I have resolved most of these errors. 

Yes, I have made stupid and silly mistakes.  This is simply due to being triggered.  I am triggered because things feel out of control.  This has happened due to three things 1)  taking on more involved technical work 2) time off - a backlog of work accrues when I'm not there. So I have to work harder/faster to catch up as work is constantly flowing in 3) the amount of work has increased.

I need to keep in mind that the errors are simple admin errors. They are mainly typos, me not spotting something or clicking on the wrong box on the computer.  As soon as I spot the errors I correct it and notify all relevant parties (I am obliged to do this and I think that this is the most triggering part as I have to basically tell someone that I am not good enough to get it right). 

Thank you Three Roses for saying it's a low amount of errors. My ICr does not believe this, but it has made me realise that I may be catastrophising and only seeing the bad things. 

I do think these errors make me a bad worker, and a bad person.  I do realize how irrational that sounds, but that's the feeling I get.  I understand this is a throwback (emotional flashback) to my parents - who talked about being perfect and strongly criticised me for the smallest things.

I remember bring berated for having scruffy (but legible) handwriting.  Being shouted at to the point of tears because I was only on my five times tables, whereas my best friend was on her seven times tables, and someone was on the nine times tables.  Why wasn't I on the same as them?   It was all comparisons.  It was all about being the best, and staying the best.  There was no quarter given.  There was no understanding or compassion. No leeway.

This is why some silly mistakes have shaken me so much.  Shaken my world.

I have been through this before. But this time I understand the mechanism.  I can deal with this.  I will survive. Now I am aware, I have taken action and will continue to take action.

This sounds very insightful and positive, Snookie. I echo what Three Roses said: those aren't many errors at all. You've also noticed them and fixed them. :applause:

One thing that helps me if I'm being overly critical of myself is to reimagine the situation so that it's about someone else. If someone else had been in that situation, made that mistake etc, I would be understanding and feel compassion towards them. This helps me to feel that same understanding and compassion towards myself and ease up a bit.

I hope today goes well.

I heard something that helped me with my perfectionism, I'll share it with you - we were watching a show about how football referees are trained and their instructor said, "Perfection is not attainable, but excellence is; excellence is the relentless pursuit of perfection."  So in my book, that makes you excellent, because you're looking for a high standard. Hope that helps.
:heythere:

So I've had a couple of productive days at work. My colleague has really helped and I have made some progress.  It's still busy and hard work, but I've made more progress than I wouldn't have done without the extra help.

However, we've heard that one of our rival companies is folding, and we're taking on some of their work and staff.  This means even more work for me, but one of their staff will become my assistant.  I will be responsible and in charge of organising all of the work, and I will take on the most involved and complex work. This is a massive endorsement.  :cheer:

I messaged my husband to tell him the news. He immediately told an old colleague of mine at another rival company.   As we're all in the same industry, we all know each other and everyone talks to everyone, so gossip spreads fast and rumours are rife.  I'm now worried that information that I was given in confidence may be circulating just because my husband couldn't help himself!! If it gets back to my employers that the rumours came via me, then they will be upset with me. I still can't understand why he did this. It's mind boggling.  :Idunno:

He has apologised, but I was so cross I couldn't speak to him. When I tried to explain he just wouldn't listen. He just kept saying it would be okay, or that he'd already apologised.

I didn't shout or get angry, but I did sulk for about an hour. He then said I was out of order for sulking with him.  I said that I was in my rights in being upset and that I couldn't understand why he'd contacted my old colleague out of the blue to pass on that kind of information. I explained that I know her better than him, and that she's a massive gossip.

He eventually seemed to understand and then looked crushed and upset.  I feel bad now. I feel like I have manipulated him into feeling terrible. This makes me feel like a bully. I feel like my bullying mum, who used to manipulate people to see things from her point of view.  :fallingbricks: :stars: ??? :blink:

If I may say this, I'd like to point out that maybe he might need to feel appropriately regretful so he won't repeat the error. There's a balance there, between "bullying" and letting him completely off the hook. If you told him how you felt, I think that's appropriate, and it's also appropriate to give yourself permission to feel the accompanying emotions, and to allow him to feel his. That's my opinion anyway.  :yes:

 :yeahthat:

i totally agree w/ 3r here, snookie.  too often we've let people off the hook, and i don't believe you bullied or manipulated him at all.  personally, i don't think it was ok for him to spread info from you to someone else w/o your permission.  i've had that happen to me too many times, and often it felt like betrayal of trust.  here's hoping he doesn't do something like that again.

love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San and 3R, your validation is appreciated.  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Another frustrating work week.

We switch databases next week. Luckily for me I have used it before.  I know how I would have set it up and tried putting my point of view forward when I had a meeting with the suppliers a few months ago. They said it could be automated so I left it with them and a colleague.

We go live on Monday and I had my training session on Wednesday morning.  Only to find that they had to make changes whilst we were going through the training.  The session was only supposed to be an hour long and we were still changing things after 50 minutes. 

Annoyingly the receptionist and office junior complained that their session was delayed and that they were busy and had stuff to do. Well, so do I and my session hadn't finished due to no fault of mine. So irritating.

Eventually we rattled through it all. I realised that all the processes are automated and I have no way of changing that. The way I'd originally proposed would have meant I could have chosen when certain events happen and change and update during the life of the case.  Again, irritating but not the end of the world.

But as we're migrating to the new system, it's going to think all existing cases are overdue and email me a reminder every 14 days until they're billed. So that a lot of emails.  I could ignore these emails, but for cases that are added to the system they will have reminders that I should deal with as they're not on my current system of monitoring.  Whilst I could just ignore all emails from the new system and continue with my own system, there is no point in having both systems.

I feel so overwhelmed.  I don't know how to organise it all and I have told a few people, but no one seems to understand.

Also, I think that my colleagues and people who I bill for have become blasé. They're not sending me the necessary documents, or uploading to the database, or replying to my requests for information.  I've got loads of outstanding bills which is unusual. The number of bills has gone up but I've noticed that more bills are missing the necessary documents for them to be paid. So I emailed to flag this up with my supervisor.  He emailed me asking some questions. He accepted that had promised to do an email on my behalf a while ago, but had forgotten.

I thought I could do an email to all parties to explain what I needed, but need to check with my supervisor first.  Rather than spending time  exchanging emails with my supervisor I asked him for a five minute chat.  He looked really annoyed and asked if it was urgent. I tried to explain that I was trying to save time for both of us.  He stood up looking really annoyed and we went for our chat.

He looked really annoyed throughout.  I whizzed through what I wanted to say and explained why I was raising it. I offered to draft an email to everyone to sort. He agreed.  But I'm angry as I took up literally 7 minutes of his time and I did the email in the end - something he should have done.

And finally, I'm finding my daughter very annoying. Three times in the last day she had asked me for favours, which I've agreed to. But shortly after she's been argumentative or plain rude.  So I sat her down this morning to point this out and explained that if it continued then when she asked for the next favour the answer would be a resounding no.

Then later today we were discussing something that we disagreed on.  I googled the answer and she was wrong. She carried on justifying what she said, and saying the wrong thing. I kept drawing her attention to what google said.  She just couldn't accept she was wrong over a really small piece of trivia. I found she was arguing for the sake of it and was trying to convince me I was wrong when I could see I wasn't.  I tried to explain this to her. Only to be scoffed and sneered at for arguing over a small thing. I pointed out that she was the one arguing. To be told I was harping on and but letting it drop. This is a tactic my husband uses to deflect when we argue, so I found it intensely irritating. 

I'm fed up with people trying to manipulate me, pass the buck, not appreciate how I feel, be confrontational, not accept fault, blame or that they got it wrong, or that they're being selfish, unfair or unreasonable.  When I was alone I just burst in to tears to release some of the bottled up emotions.

i hear you on being fed up w/ people who will not be accountable, not accept the reality of the situation and put it on our shoulders. :fallingbricks:  it totally sucks.  very frustrating.  i'm glad you were able to release some of that frustration thru what sounds like cleansing tears.

and the incident w/ your super, well, again.  so very sorry you've been experiencing this crapola, snookie.  hang tough, ok?  people can be so annoying themselves.  sending love and a hug full of care and compassion :hug:

San,

Many thanks for your words and hug. I really needed a hug x

My weekend got off to a weird start, as I had one of my visual migraines but in the middle of the night. Visual migraines are new to me.  I don't get a headache but I do get a kaleidoscope of colours and sparkles in my vision for approximately 20 minutes.

My optician says my eyes are healthy and the "images" are generated in my brain. It's due to same mechanism as "normal" migraines which are caused due to change in blood flow.

So in the dark of 2am I'm treated to sparkles.  True to form all throughout Saturday I don't feel quite right - a bit foggy headed.  I'm sure these are caused by stress. I'm certain it happens when my senses are all over stimulated.  The first couple happened at rock concerts, where it was loud, flashing lights and I was super excited.

Anyhow, due to the after effects, I decided to try to take it easy.  I did my cleaning, but only very quickly and put my feet up. My hubby wasn't feeling well so he'd decided to not work overtime.  When he felt better we had a gentle still and stopped for a snack and s coffee. It was nice to have some quality time.

My daughter had arranged a sleep over and it was the first time in 2 years hubby and I had the house to ourselves. We had some nice food and snacks in front of the TV.

Despite this peace and quiet, I kept having recurrent intrusive thoughts.  I kept flashing back to how my supervisor was on Friday.  I felt he was very annoyed and disappointed in me. 

He had approved the email that I drafted but he was so brief in his reply.  This has made me feel stupid for asking him to approve it in the first place. However, as I'm basically setting out some guidelines to those who I bill for, I thought it best to be approved by the head of our team, i.e my supervisor.

I thought of other things where that I may need to flag up in the next week. I know that there are at least two or three things I may have to email him about.  I'm not looking forward to doing that. And it's causing me anxiety.

He has never really had to spend much time dealing with me.  Since taking on the more complex work I have to have two or three catch up meetings and we've had a couple chats about a particularly complex case.

So Friday was only the second time that I've actually asked to speak to him. I made it clear it'd be five minutes (I timed it and it took 7).

Usually he is mild mannered, if a little bit quiet.  I really like the guy and actually have a little crush on him (although I have no intention of it going anywhere).    It was the first time he was grouchy with me and it was clear he was impatient.

I kept having flashbacks throughout Saturday. And my mind is having conversations and arguments that haven't happened yet. It's gone in to problem solving mode and I'm having imaginary conversations and getting quite tense at the emotions it generates.

I'm trying to be mindful of when it's happening and pull myself to the here and now, but I'm very upset now.

I feel that I'm not in control at work. That I'm too busy and overwhelmed. The new system that comes in tomorrow could really throw my organisation out the window.  The way I'd usually deal with this is to talk to someone.... i.e my supervisor!!! Thankfully, I'm kind of part of two teams, so I may be able to speak to the other supervisor.

TRIGGER WARNING

It's made me feel so unhappy. It the first time in ages that I've had suicidal ideation.  I wouldn't take action, as I have my daughter to think about.  But it's a sign as to how highly triggered I am.  And how much I'm dealing with.

I'm trying to remember that maybe my supervisor is under stress too. And that he's at fault for making me feel that I shouldn't bother him.  I have also realised that he doesn't get involved in technical or difficult things.  He likes to have his day smooth running and stay that way as much as possible.  As the head of the team he should understand that there are times he has to react and step up.

QuoteAs the head of the team he should understand that there are times he has to react and step up.

Absolutely! He may feel under stress, but he's being paid to take more responsibility and should do so. You're doing the right thing.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope it goes well with the new system. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop, I appreciate your reply.

I slept fitfully last night.  I really wanted to hide away this morning.

The new system wasn't as bad as I expected.  It will not deal with the old stuff from the new system.  So I can use my old system for that stuff, and the new processes on the new system for the new stuff.  I hope that makes sense.  It is a lot to do, but more handle-able. 

We have 13 new members joining us though - I will need help.  I am now waiting to see when the powers that be decide to discuss all this.

I am shattered.  I should know by now that when I get like this, nine times out of ten everything turns out okay and I have lost sleep for nothing.  I am genuinely concerned that I am damaging my health with my thought processes.

If it helps, I can objectively say that getting a new system can be very stressful. Just using it for the new stuff sounds sensible.

I hope you slept better last night.

Thank you Snowdrop.   I did sleep better thank you.

The dreaded automatic reminders dropped in today on the new system.  Most of these will repeat again in 14 days, so I've  just deleted the reminders. My intention is to start dealing with them when they drop again in 14 days.  I'll try to get rid of a lot of my old system before then.  Then I'll just rely on the automatic reminders  from then on.

Made progress today with lots of tasks at work.  I've got a few worrying items which I hope to sort in the next few days.

My boss has pencilled in a chat tomorrow to discuss how we deal with new members and the increase in work.

Hard going day at work, and in general. I don't want to think about work at the moment, I'm sick of it. My boss was to busy to chat - totally fed up. This is a confrontation brewing......

Instead I'm going to focus on things that have made feel happy.  It's winter here, and cold and flu season. So on an evening I've relished getting in my PJs. And snuggling into my lovely soft dressing gown with big fluffy socks. Then I've cuddled a hot water bottle whilst watching one of my favourite programmes curled up in the sofa. Or perhaps dozed off whilst my cat had laid out across my chest.

Top this off with some nice warm toast dripping with lovely salty butter and a cup of green tea with lemon grass.

None of this is lavish, but to me it feels indulgent.  It has given me a sense of safety too.  It's been very soothing as well.

So work had been tough.

I've been aware that it's been tough.  I've tried to work out why. The number of claims of increased. Other people haven't done their job properly, so the documents I need for my job just aren't there. People are responding slower to my requests, or ignoring me. We've changed our email system and have just changed our database. I've had meetings so I've been away from my desk. I've also taken most of my annual leave in the last third of the year. Then I took on the complex and difficult claims.

In the face of it I've had a good reason to struggle.  But in spite of it I've been triggered by it. I've been panicked by it to be brutally honest. I've feel very vulnerable - threatened and unsafe. Good old CPTSD.   I've noticed an increase in my generalised anxiety symptoms. My rumination has been a full pelt.  I've felt full of cortisol and adrenaline most of the time. As a consequence my sleep had been disturbed and it's been difficult to relax.

We have 13 new members joining us in February, almost doubling my workload! On of my supervisors and his boss wanted to chat to me about how I saw things going.  I was surprised to find that they'd already decided that I needed help, even before the new members had joined us.  This made me feel like a failure but as my comments above show, there are genuine reasons for it. But more importantly, they accept them and agree.

They said that they were impressed with the way I worked and my systems.  They agree I need a full time member to support me. It's up to me how we organise things. They are keen not to upset me too. The new person won't be with me until February and they told me not to be thinking/worrying about things.  Although I know that I will completely forget this, and I probably will worry!!!

I knew I'd worry!

It's the early hours. I've done extra hours at work today, but I'm overflowing still.

I can't cope.

I want to walk away. I don't want to be here. I'm highly triggered.

I've not slept

I can't see a way out of the mess everything is in.  I need three pairs of hands.

I'm drowning in work. The new system is causing problems.  Others have caused me problems. 

I'm panicking

I will see how tomorrow pans out, but I think I need to talk to someone.  Something has to change... And soon

Oh Snookie :hug:. I'm sorry you were so triggered in the night. It does sound as though something needs to be done.

Have you reread your previous journal entry? In the last paragraph, you said they were impressed with you (quite right!) and you didn't need to worry.

I hope you were able to get some sleep.

Thank you for post Snowdrop x


I know that I was told not to worry and that they're impressed.  I know that I'm being irrational but I'm worried because soon I won't be doing such a good job because I'm so busy.  I'm firefighting.

I was going to speak to one of my supervisors but both were working from home today (typical!).  I was hesitant at emailing them about it as I felt it was a face to face conversation.   

I was struggling throughout the morning and kept thinking that I should send the email.   Just as I though I  might get somewhere I got an influx of work, including a really complex email from one of my supervisors.   That was the last straw..

I emailed my supervisors, apologising for the fact I was emailing them at home.  I explained that I was struggling and that it was affecting me, my mood and anxiety levels.  I said I would carry on as best I could but wanted them to know.

One supervisor apologised for not being there.  She offered assistance of one of my colleagues.

The other supervisor said that were all busy and have to accept a bit of a backlog situation.   I found this to be unhelpful but my hubby didn't think there was anything wrong with his comments.   It made me feel like I was overreacting and expected special treatment.   I was trying to explain that I'm not processing the work as quickly,  efficiently and thoroughly as before and that they needed to know this and that the worry was getting to me.

We exchanged a few more emails and it transpired that a new member of staff is starting in February.  But we're getting 13 more people to work for in February too.

It's also been suggested that I go to work in one of the conference rooms as I do struggle with all the others in the office as it's hard to concentrate and triggers my social anxiety.   Finally an email is to be issued to ask everyone to be patient with me.

I feel like I've failed but I've tried hard.   I feel like I've overreacted when I was trying to do the right thing and keep them informed.

I now intend to take a sleeping pill to try and get some rest.  X

I don't think you've failed. Getting a new system is stressful for anyone, let alone when you have cptsd to contend with as well. I think you did exactly the right thing in emailing your supervisors.

I hope you sleep better tonight. Sending love and hugs. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop  :hug: :thumbup:

Today I spoke with one of my two supervisors.  This particular supervisor is much more easy to approach than my other supervisor.   I explained to her in much detail how how my workload is.   

I explained to her that a couple of months ago I was on top of all elements of my work, however in the last 2 to 3 months I seem to have slowly slipped behind.   I have more items outstanding than ever and I've not reviewed or chased anything for at least 2 weeks. 

I also explained how I was feeling emotionally - that is I am drained tired and frustrated. 

I also I told her that had emailed both her and the other supervisor because of how I was feeling.   I made a point of explaining that I don't complain very often and therefore if I was complaining than it was was really really necessary for me to flag up an issue. She agreed.  She also agreed that the response of the other supervisor was a little flippant and not very much help.   I was very reassured by this comment as I felt that he had not been interested.  I also told my supervisor that the other supervisor had been very unsupportive on several issues.  Again she agreed with me that he should be supportive as  he is the overall supervisor for the team and the office. She said that she'd had similar grumbles and complaints from other people about him.   I explained to this supervisor that I was struggling and I had noticed certain things that I have not dealt with correctly that could become issues in the future.  I told her that this upsets me very much and that it triggered my anxiety. I am worried  that I may get into trouble or even be sacked or disciplined.   I told her that that these problems were being caused by not having sufficient time time to deal with things and due to an increase in volume of work.   I made it very clear to her how frustrated and demotivated I felt. She offered sympathy.  Unfortunately there is no solution at the moment and it may be that I have to carry on as this for some time.  She did however point out that they're more than aware that I'm capable of doing the job and that any shortfalls are shortcomings is down to the situation rather than me as a person as worker.   I wanted her to be aware that it will soon be obvious that I am having difficulties as it will affect income and and people will start noticing that claims are not being cleared as quickly. She accepted this.

I made her aware that the other supervisor had agreed to email everybody to make them aware of the situatio. However as at today's date he hasn't done that.  She was in total agreement that he should step up a bit more to support me and should follow through on what on what he promises to do.  And that you should take notice of me when I asked for his input    I told her that I don't expect him to do all of the work when I do ask for his input,  but I offer to do part of the work such as drafting emails and correspondence for him to approve. So when I do ask for his assistance I am at least doing some of the work for him. Yet he still seems to have no time for me. On a couple of occasions even not even had time for a 5-minute chat! This makes me feel like I am not worth spending time on.  It makes me feel is not interested in me as a person.  It also makes me feel that all the problems are mine, and mine alone to fix.

I do feel a little bit more reassured from speaking to the female supervisor.  And it was nice to rent some negative emotions that have been generated by the female supervisor and his attitude.

I now have a day's leave which means I have a nice long weekend to look forward to.  I'm looking forward to having some downtime.

I'm hoping I can relax however I seem to be suffering with my visual migraines and dizziness again.  I can't but help worry that this is a sign of a serious illness.  But I know that it is probably just the anxiety and the excess cortisol and adrenaline that's in my system. 

hey, snookie,

i don't see you as a failure.  we all have setbacks where our symptoms want to run the show and make it difficult for us to do what we want.  but, then, that's why those fears are called irrational - they don't necessarily make sense, aren't logical, but they're there just the same.

good for you for talking to your supervisors.  sounds like self-care to me.   :thumbup:  i hope you get some rest and relaxation w/ your extra day off.  and, using something to help you sleep, well, i do that every nite.  sleep makes all the difference.  sending love and a hug full of *aaaaah*. . .

Thanks for the words of support, San. 

*******

I had a great long weekend.  I switched off from work immediately on Thursday.  It was election night here in the UK and I was absolutely fascinated with all the coverage so that was a good distraction on Thursday night/Friday morning. 

I met my daughter from school on Friday evening and we ate out and she did her last minute Christmas shopping.  Nice to spend some quality time together.  My husband was not working on Saturday, which is unusual.  So he took me out for breakfast and a cup of coffee and bun later on. 

It was my work's Christmas party and I usually hate these kind of things.  I only go because you can take a guest.  I wouldn't go without my husband.  I did find myself catastrophising about some things (why are they not talking to me etc....) but for the most part I managed to relax.  I even got up on the dance floor and really let my hair down - although I had some excruciating  thoughts at the memory of it the morning after.    I sat with a work colleague quite a bit of the night as she struggles with anxiety and body image issues, and would not get up to dance as she is so self conscious.   I wanted her to feel that I wasn't totally abandoning her and kept going to sit with her.  I think some of my work colleagues saw me in a different light, which cannot hurt. 

I was a little worse for wear on Sunday morning.  Not quite hung over, but definitely struggling!  Thankfully, I didn't have much to do.  I went to the cinema with my daughter and really enjoyed that, well all apart from the ruminating.  Monday morning was looming on the horizon, and I was definitely not looking forward to it.  It effected me from about midday.

Surprisingly, I didn't have any problems in sleeping.  I think I was totally exhausted, from the worry, from the excessive socialising and from over indulging.  So thankfully I had good night's sleep.

I found a really horrible email in my in box this morning.  So I am really glad that I did not check my emails this weekend.  I had had an email from a former member of staff a week or so ago.  I sent it to my (male) supervisor as he is the head of that team.  He said he would think about how to reply.  He has not replied.  I was due to chase him this morning.  But instead I have received a snotty chase email.  So I emailed my supervisor who asked me to deal with the email!!!  He asked me to give a little summary of each case.  The reason I have not done that already is because before I came, no one dealt with the two cases properly and whatever I say, it will be obvious that we have let this person down.  It is not my fault in anyway, as it all  happened before I worked there.  But I am trying to deal with things tactfully and not show that the firm has been lacking. 

Anyway, I drafted a reply, which I sent to my supervisor for approval.  He has approved it and it has been sent.  But I don't think this is the last we have heard of it.  I just feel so ignored.  I know when things are likely to kick off - and I always point this out.  I hate it when I am overlooked and ignored.

I was so riled about this that I almost walked out of the building.  I did let my other (female) supervisor know how cross I was.  She agreed that I done what I should. 

I also had a morning where lots of things seemed to be wrong.  This was a bit depressing, as I suffer really badly with my perfectionism.  However, when I looked into all of these things, I had not done anything wrong.  I have informed the relevant parties of the problems, and now just have to wait to have them corrected.

I am so fed up that things feel like this at the moment.  Although there is a glimmer of hope.  I have managed to clear my inbox and sort a couple of minor mistakes I made.  I have also rejigged my to-do list so that I deal with it in the next few weeks.  This is simply shifting the problem, but I feel better not having loads of reminders in bright red at one side of my inbox.

Anyway, I am looking forward to a quiet evening with a work colleague tonight....where no doubt we will do nothing but vent.

Feeling quite upset.....feeling really pressured at work.

I just about caught up my in box and moved all outstanding items on my to do list on to future dates. So I started from a good place on Monday.  But today, I became bogged down with really faffy complex claims.  I reached out for help to one of our suppliers, only for them to be rude and belittling. Basically telling me it's my place to know the regulations. I felt very foolish.

Then I had lots of replies from things that were pending, that needed actioning pretty much immediately. So I was unable to clear everything and I'm starting to slip behind again.

Then we got into conversation regarding the shortcomings of the new system. I have used this system at another firm and tried putting my input when  it was being set up. However, everything is on automated systems that I cannot change.  My colleague said that if he had been me, he'd have set it up how he wanted. I felt criticised.

The system probably can be changed, but I don't have the time or the energy with everything else that's going on.

I tried confiding in my only friend. For her to point out what I'm doing wrong, and listing all sorts of things I should do. I didn't feel she was being helpful, or listening but just to shut me up.

In four weeks, we will have a new member of staff, but also lots more work.  If I speak to anyone at work and how I feel, they will just say that it's just a temporary situation.

It sounds really stressful, Snookie. I'm sorry. I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way, along with a relaxing cup of tea if that helps. :hug:

Thank you snowdrop X

Thanks for the relaxing cup of tea ☕  and I appreciate the hugs too  :thumbup:  :thumbup:  :thumbup:

I think that I'm in for a sleepless night.   :stars:

I need to do something about this. Something needs to change. I'm close to going on sick leave with all of this.

I've taken sick leave due to stress before. Sometimes it's necessary. I hope you are able to do whatever is best for you in your situation.

Thinking of you. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop for your support x

************************************

I was quite teary this morning.  I haven't felt like that for sometime.  Hubby gave me hugs and support as he left this morning. 

By the time I got to work, and checked my inbox, strangely, things did not seem as bad.  However, I pushed myself to speak to my supervisor (the female one who is easier to deal with - the male one is on leave now). 

I explained about the day I'd had yesterday.  And the sleepless night too.  I said we needed to do something, but I wasn't just coming to whinge, I was going to put suggestions forward.   So basically I outlined all of the issues and problems I had and highlighted some future problems. Until my new colleague starts, I have suggested that I will just deal with my inbox and anything left on my desk.  This will have an effect on income - which the firm needs to know about. 

Approximately two weeks before the new person starts I intend to stop doing any new bills.   This will mean they will mount up - but she is working full time compared to my part time hours, so she needs a pool of work to keep her going.  Again, the pause of two weeks will have effect on income - which the firm needs to know about.  She will flag this up with the accountant.

I discussed the other supervisor and where he let me down.  I think this is the issue that has bothered me the most: being let down by someone who should support me (not surprising with my cPTSD).  She obviously couldn't go into to details, but she agreed that really I should be having this conversation with him.  I am more than happy to sit down with him and tell him how I feel - but is very hard to pin down.  I feel kept at arms length (again not good when other people have done this in the past - a big trigger for my cPTSD).   She said I am being expected to step up when I shouldn't - this may show that I am capable of more, but on a regular basis it taking advantage.

It's been agreed that I will need to start from bottom up with how I organize the work when the new members are in place come February.  I will be taking on any backlog of their and this will need in depth review.

It could be a rubbish few months, but at least for the time being I have had someone listen to me - although it remains to be seen if they do anything.

I was very annoyed at how a few people reacted to me yesterday.  My friend passed comment that she wouldn't allow herself to be bullied and would just pass the buck up the pecking order.  I have tried that - and it makes me feel like I am to blame for what has happened.    I feel that I must have weak boundaries and that there is something wrong with me. 

I also said to my husband that it must be me.  I have been like this at other jobs - so it must be down to how I act and react.

Replying to myself, to my last comment in the above post.

I feel that there's something "wrong" with me.  That I'm defective and can't deal with real life.

I also feel that I shouldn't be this way.

So to answer that...

Yes, there is something "wrong" with me.  I have CPTSD.  I've been emotionally abused and abandoned. I've been scapegoated.  I've been lied to and treated with disrespect. This has left its
mark.  It is those scars that make me react like that.

I need to remember it's not my choice, or my fault, that I'm like this. I should not add a layer of shame to how I feel.  I need to stop expecting that I can act and react like other people because I've not had the same experiences as everyone else.

You're right, it's definitely not your fault. CPTSD is an injury. Something that was done to you, not something that you innately are.

You mention the possibility of having weak boundaries. I found that mine were very weak because of my childhood traumas. Deep down, I felt that I had no right to have boundaries, and I'd get into trouble if I tried to have any. I bought a book on boundary setting, and I found it very helpful.

I'm impressed with the way you spoke to your supervisor. I'm glad she listens to you.

:hug:

hey, snookie,

i think that sometimes we really do have weak boundaries, but that doesn't have to be a permanent condition.  our boundaries have been denied, demeaned , trod upon, ignored, made fun of, punished . . of course we have weak boundaries.  when we attempted to assert them, something hurtful happened to us.  what could we do?  submerse them to the boundaries and will of others.  it was a survival thing.

we can learn about and practice what is ok and not ok for ourselves, ask for help with it, and little by little, continue to stand up for ourselves.  it can seem daunting, but it gets easier with time.  i'm still learning, but i'm much better at it than i used to be.  i didn't think i had any right to take care of me.  now i know i'm really the only one who can.

i'm glad you have a hub who will give you a hug when you're weepy.  sending you love and another hug full of support. :hug:

Bit dissociated today. Not really in the real world.

Feeling a bit ashamed of myself. Hearing a lot from my inner critic too.  Feeling bad about who I.   I think 6 year old Snookie is feeling very sorry for herself. Flashing back to when all the older family members used to make me feel like this.

I have my brother visiting tomorrow, so I think that's part of it. He always make me feel inadequate and criticised. As of I have EVERYTHING wrong.

I'm also struggling at work, so I think that's the other part.  It's an area of my life where I'm not in control and there very little positives at the moment.

I'm trying to stay grounded in the moment.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I'm trying to accept things are as they are. Control is just an illusion.

hey, snookie,

i just went thru a period of feeling sad and sorry for myself.  my t helped w/ that, said it's all right to do that every so often.  i said i didn't want to be a whiner or be in the pity pot (got that from 12-step meetings), she told me those are the people who just want to stay in that place, don't want to move forward.  so, i'm passing that along to you. 

we didn't have people who felt sorry for what we were going thru, so sometimes it's ok to do it for ourselves.  i feel sorry for 6-yr. old snookie - she didn't deserve to have gone thru all that crapola. 

as far as your bro goes, i've heard that it's people who feel inadequate within themselves that feel the need to criticize, demean, and put down people around them.  it's not you, sweetie - it's his own stuff.  he found you to be a target cuz you weren't able to defend yourself.  i'm mad at him for that, if you don't mind my saying so.  you didn't do anything wrong.

i hope you're able to stay away from him as much as possible.  i second the notion of being gentle w/ yourself - sending love and a hug full of gentle kindness to you and 6-yr. old you. :hug:

Thanks Dan for your words and for the hug.  Sending you love X

I have decided to be low contact with my brother. I also anticipated that his visit would effect me emotionally. I think but being aware and prepared, it didn't bother me as much. It made me see him more objectively.

I've been fortunate to have a really nice weekend with my hubby and daughter.  We've had a very gentle weekend, just being around each other. Just the way it should be.  I'm holding in to this feeling.

I'm sort getting Monday Morning blues already. I'm struggling against a flow of work, there is just too much. And I've not been able to cope. 

My injured and criticised 6 year old Snookie  feels unable to live up to what is required.  But I'm trying to get the 47 year old, C-PSTD-understanding, grown up Snookie to reassure the frightened me.  I'm telling my little me, that there is no way I can keep up with that volume of work, so I can't be judged.

I have a plan to put all work into my inbox, and unless anything is screamingly urgent, it will get dealt with in date order. That way, I can show how far behind I am.  It will make it easier to decide what I focus on.

I'm continuing to try and stay in the here and now.  To enjoy the rest of my quiet family weekend.  To have my 47 year old me hold the hand of my 6 year old me.  I may even try more comfort and self soothing later: hot water bottle, PJs, soft socks, teddy bear.

I think it's good that you can recognise how 6 year old Snookie feels. I think listening to her, holding her hand and reassuring her will help her, and will also help you. :hug:

I'm not sure if it's a sign that I'm healing, or immaturity. Growth or petulance.  I've noticed that this year I've been getting rid or replacing items given to me by people who traumatized me or given to me at times of trauma.

I had two of my mum's rings. I've replaced them with two new ones (I've put the old ones away for when my daughter is older).

I've also got rid of some earrings given to me by someone who bullied me. 

I also intend to replace some photos of my mum around the house.

I just don't want to be associated with those items anymore.

I've gone through similar phases, multiple times in fact. For me it was definitely growth. A way of saying "No", a form of setting boundaries, a way of finding out who I am, what I want and like as opposed to how/what all those abusers and even enablers wanted of me. 

Sounds like growth and strength to me.

Thanks guys for the comments.  Xx

It helps to hear that I'm taking steps in the right direction.

******************************

Feeling tired and triggered.

Work problems have been bothering me throughout the festive season.  But today, they're really persistently popping into my head.   I even dreamed about work last night.

I have been focusing on the here and now, and enjoying the Christmas break, quite and family times.  So far being mindful has worked. But today,  which is also my birthday, the negative  thoughts have broken through.  They really starting to panic me.

I've got two more days at home, then, I work one day. Then two more at home, then back to normal working patterns.    I'm totally dreading it.  I feel a little paralyzed by it.

I'm going to make an appointment to see my therapist.   We actually finished my therapy in March, but I've nipped back pretty much every couple of months, when I become overwhelmed.   I think it'll help to see her.

I'm convinced that I won't be able to cope at work.  That they're gonna fire me.  Or be angry at me.  I really do feel a sense of de ja vu. This feels like other situations where people have been disappointed in me and angry at me. But I'm presuming that this is an emotional flashback.   I'm so emotionally exhausted.

hey, snookie,

just wanted to chime in that i've gotten rid of things given me by traumatizing people.  didn't want the reminder around anymore.  i have enough triggers already w/o keep more in front of me.  i always thought of it as a sign of empowerment and growth.

i'm glad you're recognizing when you're feeling overwhelmed and going to talk to your t about it.  that work stuff can knock our socks off, for sure. 

last but not least, happy birthday! :phoot: :cake: :bighug:  all those steps you've taken have gotten you to another one.  quite the triumph!

sending love and a hug filled w/ your own special birthday wish :hug:

Thank you San x   :hug:  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

A slightly belated Happy Birthday, Snookie!
:party:

Thank you Snowdrop x

Working through my work issues

I've become quite triggered in the last 24 hours.  This is the third time recently that my anxiety has reached fever pitch.   My thoughts have been in a vicious spiral.  I'm quite used to that with my Generalised Anxiety. But usually I'm able to come up with a plan that seems reasonable. But this time, any plan doesn't seem enough and panic sets in.

On top of that, my thoughts are becoming increasingly nastier to me.  I'm feeling at a pretty low ebb.  I feel depression looming. So I thought I'd write down what has happened, good and bad. To see if it will lessen the rumination.   I intend to have an appointment with my T asap in January too. This may be a very long entry....or in several parts....

So... Approximately 20 years ago I was working an office job.  I had a team of 6 people (7 including me).  Our work wasn't considered cutting edge, and was frowned upon in the department. However, one of our Clients was generating the best income, and the Client I dealt with directly was the third best income despite a very low commission rate. 

The head of the department was focused on new, smaller clients because they could charge more.  However, the volumes were much lower, so they never matched our income.  But he needed staff members to do the new work. So he took people from our team. 

We dwindled to me and my colleague.  With repeated promises of help.  We struggled very hard.  I was much less aware of myself back then, so I didn't stick up for myself or my team.

Despite the lack of staff and being overburdened our collections never suffered.  I was collecting as much as the other rival companies.  Pretty much my colleague and I  could juggle the work and avoid major disasters.  However, I did have a bad habit of making mistakes.  This is when I really developed an issue with errors.  I'd make typos or miss stuff.  I was trying to do as much as I could, as quickly as I could and keep moving. But I'd still make mistakes as I hated checking things.

I still wake up now, thinking of mistakes I've made. Really shameful about stuff I did.  I remember having to type all my own letters, and I'd started and restated this particular letter. I printed and sent it.  When someone complained and sent it to my boss.  It contained spelling mistake, typos and made absolutely no grammatical sense. I feel deep shame admitting this - but I want to spotlight the shame.

Another time I'd drafted a document that has errors. To be told of this by another department that I had to amend it as it was my error. Again, deep shame.

I can genuinely say that those errors were due to a reduction in staff, too much work and no support or understanding from my boss.  But I feel terribly guilty.... Even two decades later.  It's no coincidence that it was during this time that I was first diagnosed with depression and had counseling for the first time.

Eventually, I found another job.  About three weeks after I handed in my notice they made the whole department redundant.  Apparently, we'd not been cost effective for a while.  Although we'd been billing lots, the Clients just weren't paying. This was something that the management were at fault for. They should have been aware of this and fixed it.

I also became aware of others who were struggling. A colleague -actually a friend of mine - had gotten in trouble for sitting on some cases.  She'd but known how to deal with them and ignored them..... for two years.  They'd been discovered, eventually. 

Another team was doing some quite technical work and basically noone had a clue how to deal with it. They simply kept moving any court hearing dates forward to avoid having to deal with matters. But this cost the company £50 each time. 

Then I heard of a guy who I'd always thought to be brilliant at his job.  He moved to a fantastic role at a different company.  I was very jealous of him at the time.  His ex-girlfriend confessed that he wasn't very good and quite often brought files home to burn the evidence of his incompetence.

Despite being stories of other people being human and making errors, I couldn't shake that shame. I know that this was my C-PTSD at work.  The situation was also fuelling my C-PTSD as it was continually injuring me, eroding my self esteem.

We had a farewell party.  My former boss said to me "I never blamed you for anything that happened". I always thought it was a strange thing to say, and also not sufficient to help me come to terms with what happened and how had damaged me.

Continued from previous entry

The job I went to was very boring.  There wasn't enough to do. I hated it!  I only stayed six months.
I got a new job in a different area of work.  I felt quite at home, even though I was in a male dominated office.  I kind of revelled in being the token girl.

We basically taught ourselves the job.  We have mentors we could ask for guidance but we were all left to own devices.  I'm quite organised and methodical, so I ensured all cases were dealt with promptly and regularly.

Our supplier decided to audit us after I'd been there for six months.  They were very unhappy.  Things, in general, were slapdash. The firm got s roasting. However, they singled me or for praise.  They liked my approach of regularly reviewing cases.

We were all told that our cases should be reviewed every six weeks at a minimum.  A list of cases older than this would be circulated monthly. I would have one or two on the list. Others would have massive lists. I became annoyed at their attitude. When the boss was out they'd post football!  One guy would intentionally not deal with items of work. He'd be finished by 4pm each day and read his newspaper.  I moaned to the boss (who I considered my friend) about this - to be told "nothing I can do about it".

Ironically, it was the guy who'd read his newspaper who got promoted. I'd been passed over as I came across a bit nervous and shy when asked about it.

I pushed hard to be promoted and was eventually given it. But I had to move to the middle of a busy office. It had previously been suggested I could work from my desk in the corner of the office, as it was accepted that I was nervous and there was no need to upset me. But once I got promotion I had to move.

I hated my new desk. Some of the most disruptive people worked by me.  I remember one day struggling to get everything done but the two guys to my right spent an hour tying pink ribbon to a fan, as they wanted to see it blowing in the breeze created by the fan.  Again, I wasn't very assertive. I was bullied into changing my lunch break to the 12 noon break.  Again, I grumbled to my friend who was the boss - to be dismissed.

When I got promoted, I should have dropped the number of cases I had. I should have dropped half of them. Partly through shame, and partly through a sense of duty I kept far too many.  Hence I struggled. I fell ill with a cold and took time off.

When I returned to work, I pushed myself to catch up.  I remember catching up by then end of the week. But I didn't want to go back on Monday (this is similar to how I currently feel).  I took more time off.

I returned again.  I felt trapped on a treadmill. If I was at work, I could just about keep the work moving. As soon as stopped I slipped behind.  I was coming early and working lunches and struggling (again this echoes what's happening now). Yet the guys near me seemed to be taking it easy and chatting loads

As I set to trying to catch up, I felt a wave of emotion wash over me.  I lost the plot! I burst into tears.  I went to speak to my friend - the boss. He'd understand. He'd help. He'd make it okay. 

He took me out of the office. I was out in one of the partners offices whilst he was on holiday. I was left there, on my own, to get on with things.

Each morning the boss would come in with my days work.  One morning, when my spirits were very low, I was crying when he came in. Big fat tears rolling down my face. He looked at me, gave my work and left. He was no longer my friend, I knew that now.

I was eventually moved teams. My new boss thought I was brilliant.  I felt like damaged goods. 
My old boss came to me one day with one of my files.  I'd missed £200 that I should have included. It was a genuine mistake. I admitted immediately.  He left with a very disappointed look on his face. Bear in mind, this is one mistake in two years. If also brought in £35k of income that they hadn't expected.

I was also chatting to the head of the department and he accused me of ignoring an instruction. I claimed that what I'd done was before his global instruction was issued.   I was really struggling. I was really overwhelmed. And now I felt they were nitpicking.

Things had changed in the 12 months or so since the audit. Now I felt like I was useless.  I went sick for a couple of weeks. And eventually found a new job.

Now, I didn't want to leave my friend, my former boss without trying to clear the air. I didn't know what I'd done to upset him.  He was horrible.  He made it quite clear that he didn't want to know.  He said "I wouldn't mind but you were a really good worker".    I had nightmares about this for years.

I still see this guy around town every so often.  It is very triggering for me.  I get a knot in my stomach and just want the ground to swallow me up.  I'd love one day to stop and ask how we could go from being good drinking buddies to him being like this.

It's funny, because we began passing each other quite regularly recently.  But he must have altered his route or routine as I haven't seen him for a few months.  Maybe it bothers him too.

Continued from previous entry

I never liked the next job I took. I was taken in desperation.  On my first day, I was day down with a printed booklet with an explanation of the legislation. I was to read this to teach myself the job!  I did get about an hour at the end of the day sat with my team leader.

My second day, I was asked to do the work and he'd check it. I worked under my own stream and passed him the work to check.  I did this for weeks. Only to later find out he'd just filed it!

The other girl that had started on the other team on the same day as me was having someone going through her queries on a one to one basis.  These sessions would be at least weekly and could last an hour or more.  The thing was that whilst there was some core work we all dealt with, there was such a variety of work we did get. I constantly felt unsure. Now I'll accept that my anxiety makes feel like that, the was a lot ambiguity in the job.

I eventually stuck up for myself. I spoke to my boss, and compared myself to the other girl and the amount of help she got.  He agreed to do a daily session at 9.30 each morning. By dealing with it daily, there wouldn't be many queries and so would be easier to deal with. 

He made me feel stupid when I did speak to him.  I understand it's important to think for yourself, but sometimes I just didn't know the answer.  Sometimes it was off putting asking.

I moved teams after maternity leave. That team leader wouldn't allow me to send any work out until he'd checked it. I could understand this but it was weeks and weeks until he checked it. 

If I was unsure of something and tried asking him a simple question, he'd proceed to tell me how busy he was.  It was like the third degree sometimes. At an appraisal he told me I was high maintenance.

I was moved to a third team during a big change. That team leader wanted all queries in writing.  I remember one day compiling a note for him. I set out the facts of the case. I set out my questions/queries. I gave my ideas to show I was thinking about the issues and but being needy.  I set out bullet points that needed answers or permissions. I sent it back with the word "yes" written on it.   There were things that needed more than a yes or no answer!!! Very frustrating.

I don't remember many mistake happening there. But I do remember feeling like I never knew what to do, I'd had issues with all my team leaders with regards to gaining knowledge and confidence (i.e. training).

I moved on again....

Snookie,
If I were to synopsize what you you wrote, I would say, "Snookie is a very good, diligent, conscience, hard worker. She is human and occasionally makes mistakes. She has worked in very stressful, unsupported work environments."

With cPTSD, it seems that things in the here and now, sometimes make a beeline to the pool of difficult feelings from our pasts.

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on December 28, 2019, 01:50:49 PM
Working through my work issues
I still wake up now, thinking of mistakes I've made. Really shameful about stuff I did. . .  I feel deep shame admitting this - but I want to spotlight the shame.

Shame is such an awful feeling. I wish I had a way to make it go away for you, for me, for all of us.

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on December 28, 2019, 02:37:53 PM
Continued from previous entry
I moaned to the boss (who I considered my friend) about this - to be told "nothing I can do about it".

Ironically, it was the guy who'd read his newspaper who got promoted. I'd been passed over as I came across a bit nervous and shy when asked about it.

Being ignored, being passed over-----upsetting in the here and now and extremely triggering to the past.

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on December 28, 2019, 02:37:53 PM
Continued from previous entry
Now, I didn't want to leave my friend, my former boss without trying to clear the air. I didn't know what I'd done to upset him.  He was horrible.  He made it quite clear that he didn't want to know.  He said "I wouldn't mind but you were a really good worker".    I had nightmares about this for years.

I still see this guy around town every so often.  It is very triggering for me.  I get a knot in my stomach and just want the ground to swallow me up.  I'd love one day to stop and ask how we could go from being good drinking buddies to him being like this.

It's funny, because we began passing each other quite regularly recently.  But he must have altered his route or routine as I haven't seen him for a few months.  Maybe it bothers him too.

I also have a friend who I used to be very close to, who I run into occasionally. When that happens or when I just think of her, the pain is sharp and deep. I imagine (?) that would be true of everyone, but for those of us with such deep childhood wounds, the pain of rejections &/or abandonment is excruciating.

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now, Snookie. I hope you get in to see your T soon. That sounds like a positive thing to do for yourself.

work stuff can be so devastating.  i feel for you, snookie.  like notalone, i wish i could take those awful feelings away, wrap them up, toss them into the universe to be disposed of. 

right now all i can offer is much love and a hug full of support and compassion.   :hug:

Continued from previous entry

My next job was brilliant to start with.  It was a role I'd done before.  Originally it started out as a job share.  When my opposite number was away, I battled to do both our work.  It wasn't returned when I was off.  So it was decided that we'd work independently of each other.

Interestingly she made some kind of  grievance claim after she left the firm.

I worked the days a week by this time.  I didn't mind the four day break, but it was a long slog to catch my tail each week. Only to catch up on Friday, just as my week was coming to an end.  I changed my hours to a few hours per day.  That helped.

I felt totally inadequate by now. Full on Imposter Syndrome.  Struggling with my mum and my daughter by this point.   

I had flashes of doing well. Being in the top five for getting clients in. And I was always in the top half for income.   All this in spite of me doing less hours.

I only remember one or two errors.  I did speak to the partner of the department about one mistake. We sorted it, and she was fine with it.

I also spotted other people's mistakes. I remember taking a call for a colleague and she'd completely missed a big section of the claim.  I passed her a message. She never ever dealt with it.  I also realised that a colleague was extremely behind - at least two months behind with his work. But he never brought this to anyone attention.

The main reason I didn't stay get here was simple: I didn't feel like I fitted in.  There were lots of women around my age or a little younger.  I just didn't seem to be gel. I felt awkward.  I remember that this was when my mum was particular bad at making me feel bad for the way I dressed.  I remember me comparing myself to these girls and how they looked.

A couple of the girls were doing really well. They'd been guided through the process of taking a case a very long way. The thought of this overwhelmed me. And besides Is not been picked to take a case so far. I felt inadequate.

I also realised that I developed quite bad anxiety.  I became self conscious making calls, particularly if people were nearby listening.

I did get picked as the employee of the month once. For good client care and  dealing with work with a smile on my face.  My team leader actually scoffed at that last part, indicating that I was far too serious.

We used to have random audits on our cases.  I can't remember having any serious issues flagged up.  I had inherited a file from a colleague. It wasn't in a bad state but wasn't how it should be either.  I set to dealing with the issues and slowly fixed them.    One month this file for selected for audit and the person who I'd inherited the file from was doing the audit. She was scathing! Saying I clearly had issues and listing everything that was wrong - some of the items she'd listed just didn't make sense.   

I spoke to my team leader. He reviewed it himself and agreed with me.  He wrote and amended audit and sent to the audit team. 

It started to feel that overwhelming feeling again.  I appreciate that this is probably rumination, but I felt all encompassing. 

When I resigned the head of the team was quite upset. She actually turned up to my leaving do, she had never done that when people left.

Continued from previous entry

The next job I took was the one before my current one. It's similar to what I do now, but with bills for different kinds of work.

I was supposed to be trained by two people.  One took me to one side for a couple of hours on a couple of occasion. I picked that work up really quickly. The other person was very busy, but never made any time. I got just one hour with him.

I tried doing the work, and asking him to check it.  I thought that was working. Then I realised he was sending out even though it was wrong. Or he was correcting it himself.  I'd never learn.

I grumbled to my supervisor who grumbled to his boss. The answer came back, it was up to me to shout at him until he did what I needed him to.  He had been ignoring me anyway. But it was my fault for not shouting! And no one was going to help me!  I was in the verge of leaving.

It was only when another newbie was having problems in her role that things changed.  She understood the bits of my job that I didn't send vice versa. We rejigged our jobs and I felt much better. Incidentally, she had problems with the same guy that I had, and just as little support.

I was doing okay for about a year or so. Then I noticed that I was feeling depressed again. Partly work, partly home life/mother issues.  I saw my GP and was referred for CBT and put on a long waiting list.

The system for billing changed around this time, and it was making it harder.  I reached out to my supervisor for support and input.  I did this a few times. Sometimes she ask for a list or a spreadsheet. Is obliged and provide the data. She'd try to put me off.  However, when my other colleague needed help, even with personal, non work issues, she jump up and help.  I felt unlikable because this

It was around this time I turned 40.  I was given some earrings from a group collection.  I couldn't help comparing it to the gifts my colleague had received when she turned 30 a few months earlier.  I have recently got rid of the earrings as they still upset me.

Eventually I got fobbed off one too many times. I went over head of my supervisor. I even had some suggestions to make. I got some help, but some of my suggestions were rejected.

My supervisor made lots of snidey comments after that. She said she had no knowledge what had been agreed. Or if she was still my supervisor   it was clear she was upset and that I couldn't ask her for help again.

She eventually made herself redundant.  During her serving her notice, my colleague found another job, for the same money.  Somehow, she managed a 10% payrise.  I am sure that my supervisor had a hand in this. What is even worse is that she told me about it.

I obviously told her that I wanted the same. To which she said I was a b***h.  I didn't deserve a rise as my job was easy.  I accept her job was more technical, but I had to collect money from individuals whereas a single agency paid her claims. She'd had numerous complaints made against her (attitude), whereas I could manage people's expectations. Our collective were more or less equal, despite me being part time and get being full time.  She had loads of support, whereas for the most part I sorted my own issues.

The worst thing was that she made out the rise wasn't that much and wouldn't be much of I had been given the same. Classic gaslighting!

I kept my mouth shut. But eventually spoke to someone. My colleague got told off for bullying me.  I was ultimately sent to Coventry by everyone in my area of the office.

Then one day I text my husband about my colleague. I could have said lots of things, lots of rude, mean things. But didn't - it was just a bland message. Sadly in my stressed out state I sent the message to her by mistake!!!  I spoke to someone about it and went home in tears.

I took two weeks off of work.  I wanted longer but was scared that I would lose my job. It was awful! No one had done my work.

Eventually my supervisor left and we got a new one.  I felt undervalued. That 10% are away at me. I would never get another rise whilst I was there.

My new supervisor could see my organizational skills and asked if I wanted to work with him.  I said I couldn't do both roles and expected a rise.  I said as much to the main boss.  I also said that someone should inform my colleague, but I was ignored.

I was told that when I return from leave, I'd be training someone to do my job.  I pointed out we'd but discussed my job description, payrise and informed my colleague. They gave me some flannel about it all being in the pipeline.

I returned from holiday. No one knew about my job move. My colleague had been told by email. She pulled me into meeting. Asking if I was her boss. That's all she was bothered about!! 

I didn't even know what to tell everyone else. My survivor was out for three days. I just had three days to survive. I set to training the new member of staff.  I immediately hit a problem. No one had set any systems up. And I didn't know how.  My colleagues were less than helpful.    I muddled through and sorted an email address and access to the database.

When I started training her, I realised my supervisor had gotten a credit controller in.  This was a technical billing job.  I broke it down for her as best as possible.

Obviously I wasn't there in the afternoon. I'd just returned from leave and hadn't been given much notice before I went in leave. So I'd not had much chance to prepare for her arrival.

Overnight I felt concerned. I phoned my boss on Tuesday morning just before I arrived at work.  His instructions were to carry on as planned.

When I got in, my colleague was angry about how the afternoon had gone. She seemed to threaten me with calling our boss.  I tried to explain that I'd
Spoken to him shortly before. She got very cross and picked up the phone to call him. 

I couldn't understand what was wrong. I was following instructions. It wasn't down to me that the situation had been made difficult. I tried to carry on.

I then received an email. It took me a while to realise that I wasn't the intended recipient. The email was from one colleague about me. It had been sent to me in error. I phoned my supervisor  and he asked for the email.

We then received an email from our supervisor telling us off, like a grumpy dad telling children off. I was really annoyed. I knew there was no support.

Apparently we were a team, and I couldn't expect "clear blue sky" between my work and their work.  He was basically saying I still had to do some of my old job as well as my new role. This wasn't what I wanted. I wouldn't have agreed to that. I began to feel totally manipulated.

When he came in next, he told both of us off. He did get my colleague to agree to me moving to work with him and promise to accept it.   I tried telling my boss a couple of times about how anxious I was. I'd even been given sleeping pills by my GP. He told me that he would make me too busy to worry! I tried explaining it wasn't "worry" but an anxiety disorder. He didn't listen

At one point I was covering  my colleagues payments, training another member of staff and taking a share of reception duties. I worked two full time days to help out.  I started with a chest infection

I was then told that when my colleague returned I was to work with my supervisor as he was struggling. Again I pointed out that they were getting me to do the work without discussing or sorting out money. I was fobbed off again

I spent the next few months juggling lots of work. All difficult bills came to me. My colleagues refused to deal with lots of things that I had previously done. They'd petulantly dump it on my desk.  They were awkward and obstructive. Ml

Eventually I succumbed to the chest infection. I was coughing up blood. I was l away for about 10 days. I felt utterly broken when I returned. My colleague got chatting to me. I tried put my point of view forward and explain l how I felt.  She kept l saying "I was sick" "you're not well".  I think she was manipulating me.  She also told me then, and a few times after that she'd demanded a 10% patriae herself for the extra work they expected but I only deserved a payrise because they'd promised one.  Apparently I'd not taken on any extra work! My supervisor even told me that I wasn't doing two jobs at once. But I definitely was dealing with tasks from both roles. It was difficult and pressured to have responsibility for work from both roles and most people expecting their work to take precedence.

I was also being pressured by the accountant to fix errors on sage that dated back two, three and four years. She told me I had three months to do it. Non negotiable.  NB They were still fixing those problems five years later with two accounting staff working on it!

I was on the edge of coping. Then one day when doing my job of reconciling the bank, I saw it. My colleague had been given the demanded 10% payrise!

I spoke to my family who urged me speak to my supervisor.  I'd been robbed off so many times with regards to my payrise. When I called my supervisor, I asked about my rise. He told me that there was a problem, noone was getting a rise. I checked that with him. He confirmed it. I said I knew it wasn't true. He hit the roof, said I'd breached confidentiality. 

Scared I emailed the head boss who promised to call me. But then said it wasn't appropriate. The email would become a greivance.

The outcome of the grievance was that I'd misunderstood the fact that is get a payrise, that I did have too many duties and I should get a job description. There were suggestions about my mental health.

When I returned to work my supervisor had been promoted, but I still reported to him.   He never sorted a job description in the further five years I was there. They never sorted occupational health as recommended. I only had one appraisal in those five years, but never received any paperwork before or after.

Details of my grievance were circulated as part of a questionnaire that required input from several members of staff.  It misrepresented the outcome.

I was bullied, belittled and put on by the Accountant for years.  I was so cross one day I went looking for statement from others during my grievance. My supervisor tried to prove that is set out to find evidence of the payrise. This way true. Incidentally, when my colleague got unfettered access to the bank account the first thing she did was check everyone's salary details.  My supervisor also said I was rubbish at the job - even though he'd hardly spent any time with me.  And he didn't take into account that in my last month at least 1/3 of the billing was done by me. I"d reconciled the bank up to date and brought all invoices up to date.

My first colleague and the accountant said they had to do my work and did more of my work than I did. The head boss denied that he'd discussed a payrise. They had all lied

It hurt. But it wasn't fair because it meant I'd never win.

I did get told in subsequent years that I was amazing or did a brilliant job.  But I couldn't trust them. I felt utterly crushed. And spent a further five years feeling that way

Final entry on this subject

So we're up to the present day.

This employer has been better. I've had two appraisals, with associated paperwork. I have a job description, which is updated when new tasks are added. They have given my first (inflationary) patriae for seven years. I've earned two bonuses for being employee of the month.

What I don't like is the staff are in the teens, twenties and thirties. I've just turned 48. So they think it's all about banter and jokes. There's more focus on fitting in and joining in on the fun.


I've never been part of the 'IT' crowd.  I am a little too dysfunctional.  My social anxiety is quite bad. I also miss a lot of the social cues, I inadvertently can seem rude.  I also like different stuff to the popular stuff. I like rock music, punk, tattoo, piercing. I also like theatre and Shakespeare. I like documentaries and dramas.  Not the weirdest of things, but I do get blank looks quite often.

So quite often I can't but help that I don't fit it. 

I also didn't like that at interview I was told I was doing the complex bills. For a colleague to grumble and get to keep it. I've only been asked to do it because I've shown that I'm good, and he's not done well. It's like they have no plans and are just reacting.

What have done well?
I've learned the system.
I've set up my own systems so work is pushed through quickly and nothing is forgotten
I've reviewed all cases
I've identified some "controversial" cases and dealt with some - waiting instructions on remainder
At its best I reduced the outstanding by 77%
Most of the debt is under six months
Until recently all bills dealt with in 24 hours
Until money claimed in 24 hours of money being allocated
Dealing with all correspondence on the complex cases within 48 hours
Submitted claims on at least six complex cases in the three months I've dealt with them.

What I'm struggling with
Too much work
Mistakes - see below
Too many time consuming technical bills
Problems with new database
Colleagues not doing what they should - storing documents, inputting data at inception of claim. Not sending their paperwork, or replying to emails
Debt has risen to £130k

I've made mistakes.  Such as not ticking the correct box on the computer. Or not noticing that the computer hasn't saved data properly.  I recently came across a claim where for some reason it hadn't included VAT. It should do this automatically. It's not something I would ever think of checking! These I consider genuine mistake.

But then there are careless errors. I almost missed two dates on two different complex bills.   This is due to rushing. I have fixed both of these, but they shouldn't happen in the first place

I've also incorrectly did a claim, knocking off 60 minutes for a lunch break. It was then pointed out to me the form clearly says "worked through lunch".  What on earth was I thinking?  This made quite a difference to the bottom line and made me look stupid!

Another case is where I was told we'd been granted permission for something. I was told permission had been granted. I asked for a document to prove this. I checked page 2, where that l information is. It wasn't until afterwards when I got some conflicting information when I rechecked the document, it jumped out at me. Page 1 of the document clearly says permission is refused.  It's not my responsibility to get this paperwork in order, but had spotted it earlier it would have been easier. We've other documents we can possibly use to sort this. But if not then it'll be up to those who sent us the work to sort or pay the fee. But I missed it and could have avoided all this hassle.

I have, however, dealt with some difficult and faffy bills that have been abandoned because they got too hard. I've picked them up, and they've been fixed and paid.  I can think of at least £15k of cases that I inherited and fixed.

I emailed both supervisors.  One was like "were all busy" and "we all have a bit of a backlog in our emails".  He has also promised to email people to support me and he hasn't.  I feel ignored.

The other supervisor had listened. But she is little cold. I did suggest (well threaten) to go sick. I honestly feel exhausted.  She said she didn't want to sound funny but that would only make it worse for me.  That kind felt like a bit of a threat back at me. But she did say to me to look at what I have achieved. And that any errors that I occur due to me being too busy, we will just deal with them.

It genuinely feels like there's too much to deal with.

In light of what happened before, at previous jobs is hard to keep calm.

I keep adding up all the mistake I've made at all my jobs. Remembering all the times I didn't respond or act quickly enough. All the times I've been told I'm wrong. All those times I've been bullied or not stood up for myself.

I think you've worked very hard in toxic environments that were unsupportive. I know how stressful that can be.

I think anyone would make mistakes in these circumstances. The difference is that you care, and take responsibility. I think that's to your credit as so many other people don't. You have done so many things well.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Sending you much love and support. :hug:

Hey Notalone, San and Snowdrop.  Many, many thanks for your replies.

Many thanks for taking the time and effort to read/peruse/skim through my very lengthy and detailed  posts. That in itself means a lot.

Thanks for your support x

So last night I slept fitfully. Worrying about work.  I thought about emailing my (head) supervisor (the male one).  I should have monthly meetings and haven't had one in ages. I have a few cases I'm worried about, could do with discussing what I focus on this month and need to know about the new incoming work/staff thats coming in February.  So that seemed like a plan.

Work didn't seem too bad.  I even managed to get a colleague to understand what difficulties I'm having with the new system.   He has set an appointment to talk these problems through and my proposals for changing them.

Bouyed up by this progress I emailed my head supervisor and set out my reasons for needing a meeting (using the reasons above).  It is clear I need to discuss January's work and that I'm planning for changes in February.

He replied saying his diary is busy for first two weeks.  He has suggested 20th January.   That's three weeks away!  The month will almost be over. And I'll only have two weeks to prepare for the new work.

I simply have to get out of there!

First post of 2020  :cheer:

I was pretty anxious to return to work - I felt I'd made a big mess of everything.  Actually upon returning it felt like I had blown it up out of proportion.  In fact, one of the problems, someone else kind of admitted fault for!  And I had fretted over this problem - just goes to show.

I have had a good week or so.  The incoming work has slowed, and throughout the first part of the year I managed to catch up.  I also resolved some of the issues with the new system with a colleague - who actually apologised to me as he thought he had made me uncomfortable.

I am still thinking that I am useless - so I have found an app to download and have adapted it so I can record when I do thinks well and also when thinks go wrong with work.  The idea is that I will see that problems/errors are small proportion of what I do and that the amount of outstanding work I do is more than I accept.  And yes, the stat prove this.  But I am still worrying!!!

I have had a so-so kind of day.  I have come across two things where things have not gone as they should do. One of which I inherited from someone else.  So now I a beating myself up - because things aren't perfect.  I will be able to deal with both issues tomorrow and put them on the straight and narrow.  And I have come up with plan to avoid one of the errors happening again - so I am proactive.

BUT I am feeling very wound up.  I have noticed this.  I think I may loose sleep again tonight - or find it very difficult to switch off.  I found it difficult over Xmas and New Year to switch off.  I need to find something to help. 

I also notice that it was approximately one month ago since I last lost sleep due to thinking about work.  I wonder if hormones are at play too.  I am not sure what I can do about that if they are.

hey, snookie,

isn't it too often the case that we get ourselves worked up over something, then someone steps in and relieves us of the burden we've created by speaking a few pertinent words!  i can't tell you how many times i've done just what you've described, only to hear that someone else made a mistake or took credit for a fault.  dang, these thought processes can be nasty!   :blink:

i do hope you get some sleep and whatever has you upset goes the same way as some of what you spoke about in your post.  here's hoping!   :yes:

and onward into 2020.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

 :fallingbricks:
Feeling overwhelmed at work. 

Got a new colleague, but the atmosphere is stilted - don't think she likes me. Sure she likes my approach even less.  It is up to me how to do things - but still it's not pleasant.

I'm now only dealing with the complex cases.  But due to the merger, we've twice as many cases. So whilst I've lost all the easy cases to the new colleague, I've got loads and loads of difficult cases.

I'm juggling things again. Problems and errors coming to light (some are my fault, some are others, or computer glitches).  Or the cases are just so time consuming. Just feels like a thousand hands after holding me back, or holding me down.

Had catch up meeting with my boss and told him.   No suggestions.

Hubby partially supportive, but generally speaking doesn't want me to be like this. Just wants peace and quiet.

I'm feeling threatened and unsafe. I'm feeling a failure and someone who just moans and whines.

:stars:

Feeling threatened and unsafe in no way makes you a failure!  :hug: :hug:

Still very triggered. But a little less irrational.

Still feeling unsafe, threatened, inadequate.

Struggling with perfectionism - lots of negative thoughts from my inner critic.

Experiencing automatic negative thoughts. Thoughts going in circles, but going nowhere. Loosing sleep and unable to switch off. 

Finally been able to work out why I've been so triggered.

I've been struggling at work with the volume and complexity.  We have increased the team by 1/3 too. So we've taken on a new stater.

We've come across differnces as to how we do things. One particular issue came up on her first morning.  I explained why we didn't do it that way. She was quite insistent and a little put out.

I agreed that we would do it her way as it brought in more money.  But She kept harping on about it. I kept referring to the regulations and she kept saying her method works.

I spoke to my supervisor and we agreed the simplest solution was to go with her method.

A different colleague suggested we really ought to follow the regulations and do it correctly.   We checked the regulations and differed on what they meant. So I went back to my supervisor.

In the meantime the new colleague had quite pointedly stated that her system is working. 

She has moaned about my procedures, pointed out if there problems and repeatedly mentioned how things were done at her last place.  She had 2/3 of my work in full time hours and pretty much used a manual system.  I have loads more work and we've now got an automated system.  Yes, there are some discrepancies because we've changed databases and updated how that works.

Shes very disagreeable.  She seems to dislike my approach.

So the first issue we disagreed about has been referred to one of the management team. It looks likely that they are right that we can claim it, but we are not providing justification that the rules require.  The Management guy still wants to check it out and may even refer it higher.  My colleague is quite put out about this - insistent that the claims are being paid.  I've tried explaining that it is not a criticism on her or her old firm, we probably will continue to claim her way,  but may just add in the justification that rules require.  She repeated that clains are never rejected.  I pointed out the rules.  She said but she new the justification.

She had also riled another colleague over two separate incidents.   She had also upset one of my bosses by trying to go behind her back.  My boss brought me in for a chat (and I'd been thinking of talking to her anyway).   She is going to talk to her and insist she do things our way.

I'm now aware that shes going to be second guessing me. And on the original poinr our firm was completely wrong.  So how much else do we (or I) have wrong?  This is a worry.

My bosses want me to insist that we do it my way, as it clearly works. But as was shown by the first issue  - we may have it wrong. What happens if over time more things turn out to be wrong?  My standing will be eroded.

It's not that I was proved wrong (as was  everyone else).  Its her tone. Theres been a few things when there is an either-or answer.  She will press to do it the other way.

With mt cptsd I am finding it challenging to say the least. We're in a room on our together for 4-5 hours and the atmosphere is icy.

I'm now left with all the technical work - and not necessarily the knowledge how to deal with it. I am beginning to dislike how my job has panned out.

Apart from her resistance, the new stater had cut through the work and is keeping on top of it.  So it's likely that she'll stay.

It's no wonder I feel threatened, unliked, unsafe.

One positive though.  My husband and I had a massive argument.  I'd suggested getting a new job.  He basically replied  that I would mess that job up too!   I explained how hurtful it was and he reacted very badly.   However in the aftermath we talked and he said he'd try to listen.

A few days ago, after a particularly triggering day, he came home and just listened to me. Allowed me to explain what had happened and what emotions I was feeling.  Amazing

I do accept that I have always had emotional difficulties at what ever job I have. I react internally, always.   I've left jobs because of this. I've struggled for years in deep pain in other jobs. I totally accept the point my husband tried to make. I am a flake. But in other ways I'm not,  because I stick out. 

Apart from six months, I've been employed for 30 years.  That six months was due to taking sick leave for depression whilst on a probationary period.  I kind new that they'd terminate my employment - but I was in one of dark periods, alone and unlistened to. I took six months out to get my head in a better place. As soon as funds ran out, I got a job. And yes  I wanted to flake out of that one.

I know that I have "issues ' at work. It's not that I'm lazy,  its that it aggravates my c-ptsd.  Being with, and interacting with people is hard. Add in my perfectionism and need for approval.  Overacheiving to feel safe - then making mistakes and feeling inadequate.   All very, very hard. It all feeds back in to my c-ptsd and makes me feel that I'm a terrible person

Yet, until recently, hubby hasn't even listened, much less understood all this.  Fingers crossed he continues to listen

This sounds like a lot, Snookie.

You're not a flake. You're carrying an injury (cptsd) and you're doing your best to carry on despite having that injury. Dealing with cptsd on top of everything else is tough.

I'm glad your husband is listening to you. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop.  :thumbup:

I visited my brother and his wife yesterday. I let off some steam about my work situation.  Surprisingly they were quite constructive and understanding. My brother had previously been mean and confrontational with me. So it was a breath of fresh air that they were helpful.

I'm trying to focus on some DBT and ACT techniques, i.e. avoiding the struggle switch; being aware that fighting how things are can lead to suffering; accepting things as they are; radical acceptance; distress tolerance.

I'm experiencing some resistance though. It's rooted in my perfectionism. I'm afraid to fall short of perfect, as I believe by aiming for perfection then I am safe if things are perfect. I know that is faulty thinking, as actually if I do fall short (as we all do), then I feel very, very, very exposed, at risk, vulnerable and unsafe. As you can see, very intense negative emotions.

I've always been criticised, by my borderline father, my narcissistic-traited mother, my golden child brother or bullying survivors. So it's very demoralising and triggering when I do get it wrong.

I feel that I make silly mistakes at work. Whether they happen more than anyone else, or are sillier than anyone else,  I can't honestly say.  But I feel deep shame about them. They have stayed with me for years, sometimes decades!

I can use the rational side of my brain, and I understand that perfectionism isn't working.  I also accept that I've achieved loads and done some good work. But as soon as I discover a mistake, then my world caves in and my anxiety rockets.

I need to escape this prison that is perfectionism. But not really sure how.... I've created myself a playlist of videos in YouTube. Hopefully that'll throw up some ideas.

I'm also realising that I'm emotionally exhausted.  I'm not able to think straight. I'm forgetting things and feeling totally useless. 

Time for an early night with my YouTube playlist.

Just realising that I may have been dealing with something at work in the wrong way.  It's come to light due to the new starter. They evidence everything for the claim, we don't. We cover the basics.

Until recently our method has been quicker. And in my bosses eyes, it's working. But I've had two or three instances of work having been billed and claimed when it shouldn't. This wouldn't have happened using the other person's method.

I've tried to remember why I did it this way. I think I was told to use any document to upload to show we were instructed, and we couldn't be expected to provide evidence for each and every item. In fact, one colleague told me amend copy documents to add any missing info!!!  I did feel uneasy about that, and didn't do that often - and wouldn't do that now.

All the bills were accepted by the people who instructed us. And paid by the agency that we claim payment from. But it's clear that's not sufficient to safely say that it's correct.

I wasn't given any specific instructions that I needed X, Y and Z.

Despite doing what I thought what was right, I now realise that it isn't right now. I need to speak to someone about this.

It hasn't been a problem until now. I accept it needs to be fixed, at least going forward.

I'm really frightened that I will be criticised. Or even be in trouble.   And it's not doing my anxiety and self esteem any good either.

I intend to be totally honest about this. And just accept whatever happens.

It's the second time that we (as a group/company) have got it wrong.

Bear in mind that the other person, when she was at another company, had half or a third of my work in twice the hours. She had clear direction/instructions that had been shown to work. She was dealing with 80 cases in full time hours.

I came in to a 400-500 case back log. With no clear system in place. And I work 4 1/4 per day.  I've taken on the difficult cases too - with no training and a small amount of support. The workload increased by about 20% in October. We've also taken on about 13 new people who generate work for us, almost doubling the team.

As you'll see from previous posts, I have spoken to my two supervisors in the past. With not much joy.

There is an issue with some historic stuff from the 13 be people. This will make billing it even more difficult.  The straw to break my back.

I have discussed this with hubby. Who got very frustrated. He thinks I'm overreacting. Over thinking things. And that is not my fault. He had little sympathy with me and my anxious thoughts.

It's my day off. I'm unable to sleep or settle. I'm going to speak to one of my supervisors tomorrow (sadly she doesn't work Wednesdays). I'll explain all of the above - and hope her reaction isn't too bad.

I think we can come up with a new way of doing things. But I'll basically have to tell the new starter that we we're wrong, again! Very embarrassing. Not great for a working relationship either - when I've been told I'm in charge because my methods work - but clearly not!

I've no proof as to why I've done it the way I have.

Feeling very inadequate, stupid, vulnerable.

I've felt like this in situations too. You're definitely not alone. I know you feel vulnerable, but this isn't your fault. You're not stupid.

I think you're doing the right thing being honest about it and telling someone. It takes bravery and integrity to do that, and not everybody would. :hug:

 :yeahthat:

i agree w/ snowdrop. integrity is in short supply, and it takes courage to do what you're doing, especially feeling less than at your strongest.  we're with you on this.  hope it goes well.  sending love and a hug filled with strength :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop and San. I always appreciate your input and support. X

My boss seemed a little confused, as she clearly w saw things differently. I genuinely thought I'd be criticised, or be in trouble. It was totally the opposite!

She said I'd done nothing wrong. She thought I'd done a fab job. She'd left me to my own devices and I'd delivered. She also said I'd been presented with a terrible situation, with a rubbish amount of training, no supervision with limited hours. And I'd done far better than expected.

Yes, there are things what we've got wrong, but that involves several people. And yes, I've realised that I could have done one task better, but that isn't my fault. She also said I'd brought it to her attention immediately. She still thought I was doing well.

We discussed how this affects my relationship with the new starter. She could see how this can undermine my role to tell her to do things our way.  As a firm we've already been proved wing twice, but we still think our systems have some merit.  My supervisor is going to support and assist me in dealing with the new starter. She's going to stress how much pressure I was under. Effectively I've dealt with twice the work she has in half the time, with little help or training. She's going to use this as the justification for me being in charge.

I felt quite very relived. But then have been consumed by feeling stupid since. I was very dysregulated, I see that now. Totally irrational.  I looked like I wasn't coping - because I wasn't.  Hubby has since made fun of me for overreacting. But I've tried to explain that I obviously have a problem - and that needs support and understanding.

But despite feeling relieved, I'm now thinking my boss was just pacifying me!!! Oh!! Those automatic negative thoughts!!!!

In my rational moments, I know I did the right thing. It has put my mind at rest. We have a plan to deal with things

But I'm unsettled by my irrational side

those irrational sides of ours can really knock our socks off.  i hope you know that even when you feel stupid, it doesn't mean you are.  this stuff has nothing to do w/ intelligence.  it just takes over sometimes.  i'm glad that underneath, you know you did the right thing.  love and hugs, sweetie :hug:

Thank you san  :hug:

Feeling alone today.  I often feel invisible, and that's how I feel today.

I sometimes only feel seen or relevant when I am giving part of myself. My family only cares about me when I am useful to them.  When I need something,  it's too much effort for them. They want to minimise my feelings, wants and needs.

When I reflect on how little I've  felt connected, it makes me feel sad. WhenI realise how much I've been ignored and overlooked, I get overwhelmed.  I try not to think about it, but today that feeling is sitting with me.

Yesterday, I went to buy my daughter her prom dress.  It was a perfect day.   We got the perfect dress. She looked stunning.  No arguments. No tantrums.   Just perfect.

I remembered how it was when my daughter was due to leave junior school.  She wanted a posh dress. There were tears and nastiness from my daughter.  She was manipulating me  I had no support.  Hubby just ignored my pain. My mum enabled my daughter by overruling me by buying a much more expensive dress despite her bad behaviour. She justified this as "helping me out". She actually was buying favour with daughter.  She was making me look irrational and bad.   Ironically she had to get a refund as the party was cancelled!

Comparing those two occasions, made me remember just how much hurt I've  bottled up.

I knew things were wrong back then. I knew things could be better.  But mo one listened.

Whilst I should be pleased that things are better,  I want to reflect on how trapped I felt back then.

I also want to recognize that my mum should never have made me feel that way. She disconnected from me, and me from my daughter.   And all so she looked good. That absolutely slays me. It was all so she got more love and affection than me.

I felt like a monster.  I felt like I wasn't worthy of love, of anything.  Still do. And it was all cos she put herself ahead  of me - cos she wanted more attention and affection than me.

I still find it hard to figure.  The damage she had caused me.

i hear you, snookie, and virtually, i see you, too.  i can also relate to the pain you're feeling, having a third person put distance between you and your daughter.  i've had that experience, myself, and it's horrible.  i'm glad your experience ended on a happier note than mine.  i really am.

the damage these people cause, yeah, it's all about them looking for ways to make themselves look good, but doing so at our expense.  that disconnect is real and it harms our psyche. 

holding out my hand to connect with you, snookie.  i'm glad you're here, sorry you're in such pain.  sending love and a hug filled w/ pain reliever. :hug:

San,

Thank you for your words. I cannot express how important they are. To be seen and heard, but also to be understood. The love I feel, I return to you to help you heal your wounds too. I'm sorry to hear your story had a less happy ending. I hear and see your pain too  and take the hand you offer and hug you too.

Had a conversation with a work colleague today. It brought back all the negative thoughts and feelings that I've been having recently. 

Tried explaining it to hubby.... Again. But as the last few times that I've tried discussing it, he ended up losing his temper with me. I felt he tried shutting me to. He wants to pass his judgement and that is the end of it. Just shut up now.

He doesn't want to listen, or talk about it. He doesn't want to understand my feelings, or try to understand the irrational thoughts. He gets very very annoyed.

I've finally reached the point where I realise that it's causing problems at home. It is making us argue. I've told him, in no uncertain terms, that I am not discussing it anymore.  This initially upset him, and he tried to argue more.

I really do need support right now.  I feel inadequate at work.  I feel that they're going to scrutinize everything that I've done, and decide to do it differently. That will be painful for me.

No one to listen to me.  No one to understand. Feeling very hurt that my husband is more interested in maintaining peace in his world than he is in the pain and turmoil in mine.

I feel very, very angry.  I feel very disconnected - which to my mind is a big source of anxiety and depression. 

I've been forced to pull away from my husband, because he won't listen, and just wants to impose his views.

I did suggest to him that the only way that I'd speak to him about this issue is that we go to couples therapy. He just walked away saying that he'd not talk about anything work related - including his job.

On top of this, I'm excited that a band I like is touring. I don't drive, so will need hubby to drive. Last  twice he did he was so grumpy and ungracious that it ruined the concert. I have offered to pay for his ticket this time. But he announced that he'll go and sit in McDonalds for a few hours. That, to me is, saying "I really don't want to go".  I've told him that I will go by myself and stay overnight. He wasn't happy at that and said he'd drive me and go McDonald's. I've told him it's not for discussion.

He went to sulk for an hour or so. We've not spoken properly all evening.

Bad day at work. Disagreements and arguing all evening. He's now snoring his head off - happy that he's watched football and been bantering on Facebook all night! I'm left with a sleepless night with my automatic negative thoughts and ruminating.

Feeling very fed up with the world.

Glad that I've got a counselling appointment.

***Trigger warning****

Having suicidal ideation again - no plans. Just feelings of wanting to escape this pain

***End trigger warning***

I'm really sorry, Snookie, it sounds so tough for you right now. I hope you were able to get some sleep.

I'm glad you have a counselling appointment. It sounds as though talking to someone would be helpful.

Please stay safe, and I hope you can do whatever brings you some degree of comfort. Please know that I hear you and I care about you. :hug:

 :yeahthat:

right there with you, snook.  i hear you, see you, feel you.  been there, done that - it's so tough having someone you hope to be able to rely on not understand, put their own take on it, and basically dismiss you and your problem.  dang, i've been thru that too many times.  holding onto you while you go thru this.  i also get the feeling of just wanting a break from it all, some peace.  hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs :grouphug:

Snowdrop and San many thanks for your support.  X

My hubby came home from work and gave an unreserved apology for acting like a jerk.  He said he should listen more.  I accepted his apology and thanked him for it.  I didn't feel like discussing my work issues to be honest and didn't want to start an argument.

I've clashed with my new co-worker again.  I feel very fed up. I feel scrutinised.  I'm sure that people are going to decide her way is best and I'll feel sidelined.  Ughh  :Idunno:

Anyway, I'm killing time till my counselling appointment. That should help.

good luck w/ your appt. - i do hope it helps.  hope you're not sidelined.  love and hugs, snook. :hug:

Thanks San x

My appointment with my counsellor was definitely needed.  I was welling up as I entered the room. She could see that I was visibly upset.  It's the most distressed that I've been with her. I was so relieved to see her though, I felt like hugging her!

I explained all that had gone on. She listened patiently. She's always has been of the opinion that if my home life was stable then it's possible to deal with problems at work.   She was concerned that my home life has been unstable too.  She said that I'm never able to feel safe - that about sums it up!

I explained that I am beginning to feel that the way that I am (with my C-ptsd) means that whatever job I do then I am going to have these deep emotional issues and triggers.  She commented on how self aware I am and agreed with my assessment.

Finally she urged that I take some self care.

I am going to speak to my supervisor about my new colleague and her resistance.  If I am sidelined, then so ve it.  I have to prepare myself for that possibility.   Maybe I shouldn't fear that kind of failure anymore.

I am feeling very tired with life at the moment.

Never feeling safe is really hard. I hope seeing your counsellor brought some relief.

QuoteFinally she urged that I take some self care.

^^^ Yes, yes, 100 times this. :yes:

I hope you feel better today. Sending you love and hugs. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop X

I've not checked in for a while, due to a combination of being busy and being very overwhelmed.  I'm totally triggered, to the point of feeling panicky. It's no wonder that I am struggling to deal with things. It's no wonder I can't plan and focus, or find "easy" tasks very difficult. I'm in a state of distress. I feel constant threatened and unsafe. In short I'm dysregulated.

It's hard to deal with things when anyone  is dysregulated. But at least I've recognised this. I'm trying to take as much down time as I can - although this can be hard.

There have been some positive though.  My new work colleague has mentioned how one of my systems had proved to work. We also discussed one of the other issues that we'd previously disagreed about. I thought she'd dig her heels in and want her way. She actually came up with a third choice - which met my criteria of but being time consuming. So I agreed to her idea. And finally, something she'd moaned about, she said she didn't mind doing it. Fingers crossed this means things will get better.

I have also noticed that I'm feeling depressed. I don't usually suffer from this. My biggest issue is anxiety (which exhibits itself as social and generalized anxiety). 

I'm feeling very low mood, mainly low self esteem.  I feel fat. Ugly. Stupid. Useless. Unlikeable.

I can challenge most of the above with evidence. But the one thing I struggle with challenging is the feeling of being unlikeable.

I don't have many friends - and those few I have make me feel that they are only interested in what I can do for them.

My best friend visited this week visited and asked "so, how are you". Great, I thought. I started to explain how my back pain had gotten to a difficult level to handle. Only to find that she took over the conversation and tell me about how her ankle and knee injury were playing up.   I tried again to explain that I was to have an MRI scan etc.... She changed the subject.

My hubby does really pay attention. He clearly doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with my issues/problems.  He's more interested in posting childish memes of Facebook!  He's just a 6 year old at heart, or just 15 year old adolescent. 

No one else seems to want to connect with me. So I feel unlikeable. This has brought back some flashbacks. I remembered how my mum didn't even want to spend time with me. If I didn't go to her, she wouldn't seek me out.  She would walk over broken glass for my daughter, but wouldn't be interested if I was upset.

My mum rarely thought about my mental well-being. I'm constantly trying to make sure my daughter is well adjusted. If she's having problems, we talk then through. We try to understand people's motivation. I always explain what human nature is like. I point out when someone is behaving badly, and that says more about them, not about my daughter.  My mum never really even listened to me, much less understood me. And there was no way she'd ever make me feel better.

How can I feel good about myself? My own mum didn't even bother?

I know that self esteem should come from mySELF, but when you doubt yourself, you need evidence to the contrary. So at times like this, I do need others to help me feel okay.

Following on from my last post, I thought I'd share a couple of my flashbacks.  These are examples of people seemingly not liking me.

flashback 1

I was working in a office of about 70 people, in a team of 8 staff which included a clique of 3 women/girls.  It was tradition that they would have a collection of it was someone's landmark birthday.  One of the girls from the clique was due to turn 18 at the beginning of December and I was to turn 21 at the end of December.

At the time I wasn't the most stylish person. My hair was a little long and straggly as I was trying to grow it. My fashion sense was more based on what I could afford rather than what was fashionable. I didn't tend to bother with make up. My mum was always chiding me for being like this.

It was clear I wasn't part of the clique, and that they didn't like me.  I can only assume that it was because of how I looked and because my social anxiety made me stand offish.

The girl from the clique turned 18 and was presented with a beautiful necklace and bracelet set in front of the whole office. From memory it cost about £30 (going back about 25+years).

My birthday came and went. About a week into January we were all asked to assemble. It turned out to be the presentation for my birthday. It must have been at least 10 days after my birthday.  I was given a small box with the smallest, thinnest gold chain you can imagine.  I did actually wear it. When it broke I bought the same chain for £8.

Now I know I shouldn't be hung up on the cost of a gift. A gift is a gift. But I felt it said something about me. Either of the following scenarios had happened:

1. Not many of my colleagues liked me and didn't want to contribute
2. The clique who would have organised my collection couldn't be bothered or purposely didn't bother
3. They took money from my collection to buy the other girl a better gift

None of those are very palatable. They all made (and still continue to make me) feel horrible to my core.

I remember telling my mum about this. And rather than make me feel better or listen to me, she said it was due to me not fitting in.  If I looked more like them, they'd be more accepting.

My boyfriend at the time didn't listen either.

It is still a painful memory, even now. That feeling of being unlikeable.

flashback 2

A few years after the above incident, I was team leader of about 8 people. We were to go out with people who worked for one of our clients.  It was a quite informal event. Myself and 5 or 6 women/girls arranged to meet the clients.

At the venue I chatted to people, but felt they weren't really interested in me.  I felt a little upset that most people seemed to make a beeline for three of the girls.

One of the guys I was talking to was a little condescending. I felt he would rather talk to the three girls. He made a big deal of saying that I looked like Steffi Graf, but he definitely was saying it in a poking fun kind of way. This isn't the first time this has been said to me. And being honest, it's true, I have a resemblance. But I hate the comparison because it's due to my nose. Steffi and I had a prominent nose. I've always had fun made of my nose!

The next day I spoke to my mum about how I felt. I mentioned the Steffi Graf comment. Rather than console me, my mum said "well if it bothers you, save up for a nose job".  I felt very hurt. Very very hurt.

I was chatting to another colleague a few weeks after. We were talking about my relationship status. I mentioned about the fact that everyone was interested in the other three girls on that night out. To which my colleague said that the other girls were "Real crackers". The inference was I wasn't a real cracker - I wasn't as good looking as them.

Now it's only my opinion, I honestly didn't see how two of the girls were any better looking than me.

I could have accepted that, well they're younger. Or even they're more outgoing than me. I could have even accepted that they're trendier. 

Again, a very painful flashback. Another time I needed my confidence boosting - and no-one was there. In fact, I was made to feel worse.

Flashback 3

There was a guy at work who I fancied. He was good looking and a pretty cool guy too.

One day in a fit of bravery, I left my name and phone number with a kiss on a note on his desk.

On a night out I got talking to him. I said I thought he was cool and I'd like to get to know him, either as a friend or more.  I said we could go for coffee. I explained that when you get to know me I open up and I'm different to how I'm at work.  He agreed that he could see that. He'd kept my number and call me. I felt optimistic, he'd had my number for over a week and he kept it!

He called me the day after. Told me he didn't need anymore friends.  I was crushed.

I could have accepted that he didn't fancy me.  I could have accepted that he wasn't looking for a relationship. But what he was saying was "I don't want you expecting a friendship will develop into anything". He was also saying "I don't even want to give you a chance, at all, ever".

It would have been kinder to come out with some other answer. It made me feel at fault. Also at the time I couldn't understand what it meant.

I called my mum, to seek some clarity. She just got annoyed with me. I'd told this guy to keep my number and call me if he changed his mind. I know this sounds desperate, but I was! My mum was annoyed I'd shown weakness. She ignored the emotion and the crying. At no point did she explain that he just wasn't into me. She should have tried consoling me. When something similar happened with my daughter I explained that we can't help of we're attracted to someone. When the boy my daughter was attracted to wasn't attracted to her, I explained that sadly this happens sometimes. I explained it wasn't down to anything about my daughter. She shouldn't take away any judgement from it. It's all about finding that person who feels the same about you, and that can take time.

My mum didn't console me, she made me feel worse.

I spoke to my brother a few months after. He didn't say anything, other than "bizarre". No help. No support. Just a feeling of not being cared about.

fourth and final flashback

I'd been seeing a guy for about eight months. It was a bit on and off. He clearly was using me. I only saw him when he wanted - usually when he wanted physical contact.

Again, my mum was mean. I think if my daughter was going through the same I'd probably make the same points that my mum said, but in much nicer and calmer tones. She was very harsh to me.

One morning I was woken as there was a phone call. I went downstairs to take the call, with my mum listening.

It was this guy. He was ending things. In my drowsy, but surprised state, all I could think about was "why". Why was this happening, and why now. What had happened?

After the phone call my mum told me off. Apparently I'd shown weakness. What I should have done was show that I wasn't really bother and said "oh, okay, that's fine".  But because I asked him two or three times "why", I'd shown him that I was bothered.

But I was bothered. I wanted him to like me. He'd treated me like rubbish throughout the relationship. And now he was saying he didn't en like me enough to treat me badly! I was worthless. But if there was another reason (such as another woman), or I wasn't at fault then I wouldn't feel as bad. That was why I needed to know why.

Again, at a time of hurt, I had no understanding, no support. But worse I was being criticized by those who should be helping me.

All very, very painful memories. Hopefully they'll have less of a hold over me now that I've written them here.  They do pop back into my head frequently - together with raw emotions.

Snookie, I feel for you. The events you described would have been hard on me, too. And the repeated, abject lack of support and compassion from your M is the icing on the cake—so sad. I can relate. My M was never really on my side, and almost seemed to delight in my failures/shortcomings. If I succeeded, she'd insinuate that it was "her doing", but if I failed, it was all on me (and she made sure to rub my nose in it)

I've been involuntarily ruminating a lot recently over past hurts. It's maddening how tough it is for me to leave bad memories in the past—my mind seems to cling to them tenaciously. Sometimes, I wish I could undergo an operation of some sort to physically eradicate them...

Sending you a hug of care and understanding

I don't feel I have many words at the moment, but I wanted you to know that I read your posts. I don't fit in with the cliques either, so similar things have happened to me. I can relate to what you're saying, and these things hurt.

I also want you to know that I think you're being "you" when you post here, probably far more than you are at work. I've read your posts, and I don't think you're unlikeable. I like you.

Sending love and hugs. :hug:

Saylor and Snowdrop

Thank you. I can't express how important your words are to me.

Quote from: saylor on March 08, 2020, 04:20:48 PM
the repeated, abject lack of support and compassion from your M

⁰

It's so important that someone has recognized this.  :yeahthat:

Quote from: Snowdrop on March 09, 2020, 08:01:25 AMI like you

And I like you too Snowdrop. Thank you for your warmth.

Thank you to both for taking the time to read such a lengthy and personal post. And then taking time to make some very important and lovely comments.

:grouphug:

hey, snookie,

i echo the above sentiments from saylor and snowdrop.  by the by, i'm a tennis fan, and i love steffi and her nose!  i don't think she'd be the same without it.  just like jennifer gray from 'dirty dancing' (when she got a nose job, it took away some of her personality, i think), and streisand (once, on stage, she asked the audience of thousands if she should get her nose done, and they yelled a resounding 'no'!).  what i'm saying is that this surface body parts thing is so subjective.  there is no way anyone should be made fun of, mocked, or humiliated because of how they look.  i'm sorry you've had to endure that.

plus, the lack of support and comfort from your M just angers me to my core :pissed:.  one thing i think you can be very proud of, tho, snookie, is that you are breaking that cycle with your own kid, and i think that counts for a lot.  is there a chance you can avoid talking to your M about things that have upset you?  that way you won't get such neg. feedback that it seems she's all too eager to tell you.  maybe you can eliminate some of those hurtful messages that way.

i've been eliminating friends over the past 2 years as well - similar situation.  if i didn't put forth the effort, i really didn't hear from them.  i'm much lonelier now than i've ever been, but when i remember what it was like to live with those people in my life, i know i'm better off without them.  the people here, you included, have been kinder and more supportive than any friends i've had in real life.

i was really glad to hear that you got some pos. feedback at work. :cheer: just keep being you, snookie - i like you, too.  love and hugs :hug: 

Oh San, bless you.

Such loving words of support and valudation.  I like you too x  :grouphug:

Just to answer your question,  my mum passed away about 4 years ago. It wasn't until about a year afterwards that I realized the damage she'd done.  I'm slowly processing that - but the point is she can't cause any more pain.

I'm also really proud of my attempts to break the cycle with my daughter.   She was well on the way to becoming quite a narcissist, but now is more understanding and considerate.

i'm just glad she can't cause you any more pain.

and well done w/ you daughter! :applause:  i think all kids start out kind of narcissistic cuz they don't know that the world doesn't revolve around them.  sounds like you've been doing some wonderful teaching with her.

love and hugs, snook :hug:

A bit of a hard week at work.

First I have noticed that I'm over-sharing with my colleagues.  There are 4 of us in a small room. I think I'm eager to please, so I talk to much. Hence the power-sharing.

My shame is telling me that they wont like me for this, and that I should shut the heck up! 

The conflicting emotions, i.e. my neediness and shame are destroying my self esteem.

Then, on Thursday  my head boss cancelled another meeting with me - it'd already been rearranged once.  He'd rescheduled afternoon another meeting that we're both attending with other people.   

I was so angry, but I waited before I replied to his email. When I said that I wanted a way of dealing with problems and flagging up issues without disrupting his day/week but also to avoid the frustration of being cancelled.   I also pointed out that if we were to have our meeting after the other meeting, he'd  likely have demands on his time and our concentration would be low.  He replied by saying we'd have a short meeting to discuss the way forward.  *Faceslap* So effectively this is a meeting about how were going to have a meeting, without discussing specific issues we need to discuss - those issues will be parked till later.  So I've effectively been cancelled again!

I've done this job with no real training, no real resources either. I've developed systems and found out information by myself.   The agency that I  deal with can be very difficult to get accurate information from.

On top of all that due to not having a person in place who was responsible for the work prior to me, their are many cases that fell between the cracks, and haven't been dealt with properly.  Those cases have sat around for three, four and five years.  I've resolved most of them by myself.  There are around 10-20 cases that I may need input from my head boss.

When I have approached him on an ad hoc basis, he isn't receptive, and tells me he's busy. Even when I've offered to do the work for him, with a view to him checking it so I save him time, he has let me know that I haven't got time for this.

I am feeling very angry and unimportant.  I feel ignored.  I feel unassertive - or not assertive enough.   

I am soooo fed up with the negative emotions that work had generated in me, I want to leave. But it's difficult getting the same hours and pay. I'm trapped.

sounds like you're dealing with a lot.  here to support you, let you know you've got us in your corner as you struggle to find your place and space, both at work and with others.  i know that it can sometimes be difficult to find a lane that is comfortable to be in - please, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time, ok?

sending a hug filled with love and care. :hug:

Suffering with a big dose of toxic shame  :fallingbricks:

I have made a few mistakes (again) at work.  I can kinda rationalise all that. But I'm trying so hard not to do this.

I've had to issue several emails to Management with priposals for policies  as to how we deal with certain issues.  These emails are detailed and long and wordy.   Twice, a colleague has replied and summarised the problem and solution much more effectively.   Thus making me feel inadequate.  I've done the hard work, but he's more effectively seen to the heart of the problem

In addition I've been working from home for nearly two weeks, my colleagues have only been working from home since yesterday.   But despite all the chaos that the current health crisis is causing my new colleague has been pointing out problem cases that I haven't sorted yet.  Again, making me feel inadequate.

I just feel I can't get anything right. I can't seem to make obvious connections or avoid problems.  I feel like I'm not functioning- and I think that's because of my c-ptsd.

I was struggling before....but with isolation,  and no prospect of support from colleagues for some time,  I feel quite hopeless. 

I need practical steps to help me feel better.  I need to shift the toxic shame, otherwise I will spiral out of control.

one thing that has been helpful is to just take a deep breath, relax, take another deep breath.  just breathe.  another thing i've done when i've had to write professional-type emails (or anything, really) is to write it out as it comes from my mind, then, take a deep breath, and read it over again.  sometimes it also helps me to read it out loud the second time.  either way, i can usually see where i want to make changes, to help me focus on what my goal is in writing, and what can be excluded in order to make it more efficient.  i hope any of that is helpful - if not, please ignore.

by the by, snook, writing is not everyone's forte.  we all don't have the same strengths.  some of us are better at one thing, others at another thing.  please let that shame slide off, if possible.  this isolation is getting to everyone in different ways.  i think you're doing the best you can, and i think having patience with and kindness toward each other (and ourselves!) is important, especially now.

keep taking care of you.  we're here with you, ok?  love and hugs, my dear. :grouphug:

Hi San

Thanks for your kind words.

I already use the tips you had suggested for emails. And usually I am excellent at written communication.   I spent several hours doing the emails - taking breaks, revisiting it, re-wording it, proof reading it.   Only for someone to saying better and more succinctly. So that was where the frustration lay.

I agree with you that I need to relax and be gentle on myself.

well, snookie, all i know is this virus has everyone going a little goofy, so please don't be hard on yourself, ok?  it is frustrating, i know.  i've had that happen many times to me, too, when i have my d read over something i've written, and she sees it thru different eyes, suggests changes, etc.  sometimes things just get away from us. 

love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Hi Snookiebookie,
I read some of things you mentioned about your work, and I related to what you said very much.  I wanted to send you a supportive and safe hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Another day....another error has come to light

Feeling very low  :fallingbricks:

Thats 5 now....in the last 2 months

Feel useless  :aaauuugh:

It'd be nice to make it through the next day, without being triggered by a mistake

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on March 26, 2020, 12:08:47 AM
These emails are detailed and long and wordy.   Twice, a colleague has replied and summarised the problem and solution much more effectively.   Thus making me feel inadequate.  I've done the hard work, but he's more effectively seen to the heart of the problem

One of my professions involves a lot of writing. It is much easier ime and imo to take somebody else's written work and write it 'better' and more effectively, summarise it etc. than to make it that good from scratch. You're right, you did do the hard work! In this profession of mine, there are actual mistakes you can make writing and then there is preference, taste etc. 10 different professionals would come up with 10 different versions and they would all be correct.

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on March 26, 2020, 12:08:47 AM
I just feel I can't get anything right. I can't seem to make obvious connections or avoid problems.  I feel like I'm not functioning- and I think that's because of my c-ptsd.

Feeling like not functioning could be because of cptsd. That's been my experience anyway. However, 5 errors in the last 2 months means that you get almost everything right, even if it feels as if you can't get anything right. This latter feeling of yours might be the result of an EF? What has helped me with those kind of 'feelings' has been EFT, tapping. "I accept / forgive / love myself even though I made xy mistake". EFT has been really helpful for me. There are free video instructions on doing EFT if you haven't done it before. I think somebody recently linked one that's easy to learn from, so you could search for that here on OOTS.   :hug:

Thank you Blueberry x  :hug:

i've gotten more into EFT tapping lately as well, so i echo blueberry on how helpful it can be.  i use it a lot for anxiety, even when i can't find a specific reason for feeling anxious. 

and, bb's right - in 2 months, you've done things correctly 95 times out of 100.  not too shabby.  love and hugs, snook.

QuoteI think somebody recently linked one that's easy to learn from, so you could search for that here on OOTS.

I mentioned the Tapping Solution app recently, because it includes free guided tapping for various things. You can find links to it here:
https://www.thetappingsolution.com/blog/tapping-solution-app/ (https://www.thetappingsolution.com/blog/tapping-solution-app/)

Hugs to you Snookie :hug:.

Thanks all

I'm installing the tapping app.

And I do appreciate that I'm overreacting.  5 mistakes arent that bad compared to the work I've dealt with correctly, and under pressure (even before the current crisis).

I've been struggling since October.   Its been one thing after another:

1. Taking on difficult claims - in a backlog,  with very little training & support
2. Dealing with a backlog after being on 2 weeks annual leave
3. An increase in work
4. People not doing what they should - making my job difficult
5. Problems with IT during a switch of computer systems
6. New computer system set up the way someone else wanted - causing me more work
7. Time spent to fix the above
8. Problems with how computer dealt with part of claims - time spent fixing this
9. Having to work round things new computer can't do - takes longer and is faffier
10. New members joining from other Chambers
11. Not able to process work from above for weeks - because of politics.  Tine spent in meetings to fix this
12. New colleague - not gelling and she is pointing out problems all the time
13. Different processes from new colleague - causing me to take on investigations.  Also our systems out of step due to lack of knowledge and training
14. Finding another colleague is dealing with some bills - and having to investigate what he's done and how it should be done
15. Doing a report for management as to interim payment
16. Drafting email regarding how we process travel claims
17. No support or meeting with head supervisor
18. Had meeting with direct supervisor, but no possibility of further meeting/conversation due to current situation
19. Doing my day to day job - in 4 hours per day

Phew.....no wonder I'm triggered!

That's a huge amount, Snookie. As you say, no wonder. :hug:

Hi Snookie, I wanted to come by and just say that I look up to your progress that you have made. I've been reading your journal, and it's a lot what you have gone through. Just wanted to say that I hear you and I've read it.
But that is a lot of stress, no wonder it's too much. Hope you can find comfort and relax a bit, though.
Sending comfort your way :hug:

Thank you to all who responded x I appreciate your love and support.

Marta, special thanks to you. Your comments moved me to tears. Your words meant a lot to me.

:grouphug:

Oh man, Snookie! No wonder it's extremely difficult at work and you're triggered as well  :hug: :hug:

Thanks blueberry  :hug:

I've made another error.....

I wasn't aware of a fact. Probably should, but it makes a £30 difference to a claim. I can fix it but....

I am feeling useless.....again

Feeling disregulated.

I have been extremely triggered at work for at least six months, without respite (see all my previous entries!).   Things have just gotten more and more taxing and difficult. And given the lockdown I'm working from home, is not going to get easier - and there's nothing I can do.

I'd been putting extra effort in and being flexible with  hours. But today I've decided - no! I'm sticking to my hours!

Each month we have an employee of the month. This morning one of my colleagues was nominated - with several reasons, one of which was that he assisted on a project I did (the one where he slightly re worded one of my emails). Bit annoyed with that.

No matter what effort I make I don't get recognised.

I feel I'm giving too much of myself to my job. It needs to stop.

How can I stop feeling inadequate when these errors come up?

I've listed all the mistakes that I've made in the last 12 months. I think there's 16 that I've got wrong/ misunderstood/not realised. That's one every three weeks.

I thought about journaling again. I used to do it as lists - as is far less triggering.  I used to list positives and things I did well.  Any other ideas as to what else I could do.

And comments regarding my phobia re mistakes would be appreciated x Being so disregulated for sooooooo long isn't helping.

Also, looks like I've had a low grade chest infection (possibly very mild pneumonia) for a couple of months causing me intense rib pain on one side - which reached excruciating levels this week. Was prescribed antibiotics yesterday and the pain had resolved by 90%.

glad you're feeling better.   you know, when you're system is battling an illness, it can make your thinking less sharp. that may have something to do with not only your mistakes but your feeling of disregulation.   maybe you haven't been sick this whole time, but i think not feeling 100% can knock us off track even more.

i hope you can be gentle with yourself as far as your mistakes go, snook.  it makes you human, not worthless or useless.  dang, i couldn't make a list of all my mistakes - way too many!  i value you.  love and hugs :hug:

Mixed couple of days

I found an email from one of the people that I work for, he's quite senior.  He had been holding management meetings and had noticed lots of positive results that my team have had - he took time out to say thank you.

Much more than that - he actually said that "taking you on to do the billing is one of the best things we have done in recent years". Wow!  Gov smacked.

But today I came across another couple of minor errors - one was the computer's fault as for some reason it hasn't applied the correct rate - and I would know to check for this!

Then one error I came across last week turned out to have been compounded by someone giving me totally incorrect info.  If they'd told me the correct info I would not have made my mistake. But upon checking that out, I realise that I had misread something, and got something else wrong!  It's a small difference, but it's not perfect.

Then I've come across mistakes others have made - my head boss had input two cases incorrectly, and if I hadn't spotted this, it would have an impact on the fees. And then someone else input  incorrect info as to the type of work - again it would make a big difference to fees. On top of which it is extra work for me to sort out what has happened.

But then I have seemingly sorted out the worse case we had - which was down to my actions.  And I think I may have sorted one the oldest fees we have.

So, my head is pre-occupied with errors. It's just spinning.  And I've tried to think why this happens.

I think the following explain it:

1. It makes me angry and frustrated with myself - how could I be so stupid or careless
2. It says I am bad/useless/negligent - which confirms everything my parents and other toxic people have said about me
3. I feel unsafe/threatened (this is the biggest one).  I am putting myself at risk of harm - I could be criticised/told off/disapproved.  This feels very scary because it's happened so much during my life and I can't take the thought of it occurring again.  I been disapproved of so much - with little in the way of positive experiences to offset this horrible feeling.  It also potentially could end with me being sacked (although this frightens me much less than disapproval/humiliation).

I'm working on trying to reconcile the positives I've achieved against the errors (albeit some are minor).  I think I'm suffering with black and white thinking, or is it all-or-nothing thinking?  I also discount the pressure that I've been under (see previous posts).

Need to find some peace in being imperfect - as this is one of my biggest triggers.

Your parents and other toxic people who've told you that you are bad/useless/negligent had gerbils between their ears where their brains should have been.

You're consistently supportive and informative here in our forum. You're a priceless addition to our collective voice.

This other customer or client who has emailed you saying "taking you on to do the billing is one of the best things we have done in recent years" seems closer to the truth! Especially when he's a senior - he's been around long enough to see and recognize quality.

Three Roses,

Thamk you for your wonderful words. I'm blown away.

But another day, and another mistake...kind of...

The people who send us the work can register it for high codts - this means that we can bill at higher rates. Only they have the right to register it.

I noticed  a case where they should be registering it. But they told me the total fees were to short at that time.  So I billed fees at the lower rate.

There were subsequent items to bill, which would mean it qualified for the higher rates  Now this only came to my attention after the fact.  There was no reason for me to see the case in between bills.

When I saw the case after the subsequent hearings I contacted them and asked again if they registered it for high costs.

At first they said that there were insufficient days.  Which I pointed out was incorrect.   Then they said the Court hadn't ordered that many days.  Again I pointed out that was incorrect.  They finally saw that it should be registered for High costs, but were refused because it was too late!

The people whose bill it is are likely to question me why it's not high costs, and that they're effectively out of pocket.

Whilst it's not my responsibility to check it's registered as High costs, I should really be protecting our fees by checking.  I had checked once but it fell short at that time. 

What I have failed to do, is follow it up. In an ideal world I should have done. 

The people who send us the work are the ones who have really messed up.  But I have failed to prevent that.  It's clear something has fallen  between the cracks with those who send us the work as it took several enails and about 2 months to admit I was right and that they got it wrong.

Given the above, we could make an issue with them (although unlikely as they still send in work). It'd be a Management decision as to whether we'd complain,  so I needed to email my head boss. And in the email I said that I thought I'd probably not done enough - I am not sure what I hoped it would achieve, but I was being honest.  And also when it is billed at lower rates, the people whose fees they are may complain,  so my boss needs to aware.

......unsurprisingly,  he has not responded.  Another unanswered email. I accept he's busy and stressed....but its not right.  He should answer me at some time,  but he won't.

I tried discussing this with hubby.  He said it's not my fault and picked his phone up to check his emails  :stars:

On top of all this, one of the senior members asked me for all kinds of data last week,  so that they might plan financially given the crisis.  He asked for updated info yesterday  ...which takes a big chunk of time to prepare.   So that made me feel even more bogged down.

At beginning of his email, he asked how I was and how I was coping at home.  I replied by saying that I found it intense and preferred being in work.  I also said that it had made a difficult job even harder.

He replief to thank me for the detailed information.  He also said he was sorry to hear it was intense, and that most of us were finding that. He asked permission to  mention it to my lower boss. I agreed. My lower boss is also one of the mental health first aiders.

I have felt deeply unhappy at work for a while.   I've been trying to communicate my problems for a while now (see previous posts).  I was due to have a couple of meetings to resolve some of the problems just as lockdown happened - so everything was put on hold.

I feel very overwhelmed. I feel very exhausted: emotionally, physicallyand mentally (tine off only means coming back to a backlog).  I feel the flight emotion in me - I just want to run away from it. But I can't afford to. There's no alternative jobs due to the lockdown.

I feel great shame over the errors that have happened.   I try to remind myself that there have been reasons, not excuses.

I feel isolated.  Despite my severe social anxiety, I hate working from home.  There's no separation. It feels like I'm living at work.

I feel like just letting it all out with my lower boss. Just ranting.  But I'm certain that nothing will happen.   They are so busy with issues the lockdown are causing.   And I've spoken a few times to her, and nothing has changed.

I feel so unsupported.  Unlisted to.  I must be unassertive - as the problem isn't going away.

And I feel useless.   My 4 year old inner child is very upset.   I'm trying to comfort her. 

I need to get out of thete. But whatever job I do, it'll be complex to keep the same kind of salary.   And I'll always be me, so I'll act and react the same way.  I've been in similar situations before and I know it'll be the same elsewhere.   Ijust wish I wasn't me - someone with CPTSD.

I've been thinking about what kind of job that I could tolerate with my CPTSD.

:fallingbricks:

hey, snook,

reading your post, it struck me that you are being very hard on yourself. it sounds to me like you are really doing a very good job on the whole - you've been the one finding and changing mistakes to make them right. you have every reason to be proud of yourself for doing so.  that kind of thing takes a lot of determination, perseverance, and intelligence, and you're proving that you have all three. i agree w/ 3r and the gerbil theory. you are so much more than what you've been told.

plus, the idea of reasons, not excuses, is huge.  to be able to see and know that shows that you are also possessed of integrity. these are not small characteristics in any person. maybe you make mistakes, as we all do, but you're also seeing and fixing mistakes that others have made.  and, as you've said, they have a difficult time being accountable for their own errors, while personally, i think you take on responsibility for errors that aren't your responsibility. 

hopefully, as you continue in your healing, finding your true self amidst all the gerbil talk, you'll be able to see yourself like we see you.  you are very precious and valuable, not only here but where you work as well.  they're lucky to have you, as are we.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San x  :hug:

Feeling a little dissociated today.  Think it's because it's like being in groundhog  day.  And Easter messing about with my days.

I am also wound up about work.  I think I've been having bad dreams about work. I've woken up a few times in a confused state - I'm convinced I'm not doing any work and can't figure out how I still have a wage coming in. Or that I've completely forgotten to logon for work for weeks.  Pure anxiety dreams, with imposter syndrome thrown in.

Despite feeling a bit confused and disconnected, I also am feeling apathetic.   I'd love to curl up under my duvet and not come out. ***TW*** I'm also having having suicidal ideation again. No plans or active intent. If I could flick a switch and turn off 'life' then I would. But actually its not life I want to turn off, but its the emotional pain that I  feel so much.  I wish I could get rid of that.  My daughter is the reason that I keep plodding ***TW ends***

My direct supervisor finally checked in on me today (one of the senior guys said he'd ask her).  I replied with what felt like a shopping list of minor grumbles. I felt like a whinger.   I felt so deeply about everything I said, but once it was in writing  and sent, then I minimized it all in my head.

I haven't had a reply yet...and worry that:

1. They'll not reply
2. I'll get some bland and insincere platitudes back
3. They downplay it and/or they will say we're all feeling stressed
4. They'll not know how to respond

I just can't help feeling different to everyone else - adds to the confused feelings I mentioned earlier.  I also think it's why I feel I want to hide under the duvet etc....

Feeling very 'done' with the world today  :fallingbricks:

Treated myself to lots of nice food and a bottle of cider - a bit of comfort eating.  Will probably take something to help me sleep tonight.

I'm really fed up with feeling so much, and so much negative.  Just need to shut that feeling off for a bit. It feels never ending and it's dissociating me even more...

Mmm...chocolate ice cream, medicine for the soul.  And it's Friday tomorrow.

yeah, i got overwhelmed with feeling all that negative last nite, had a terrible nite because of it.  ooooph!

choc. ice cream CAN be medicine for the soul.  yummy!

hang tough, snook, ok?  we're with you on this.  sorry you're having all those doubts at work.  i do hope you get a realistic answer.  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks San x

:hug:

Sending you some ice cream and a hug - medicine for your soul, to help with your feelings of overwhelm too.  I hope you have a better night x

********

Not sure if anyone has read The Lost Connection by Johann Hari (THE best book on mental health I have ever read). He details 9 reasons for MH issues - trauma being one of them. But the main gist is that we need connection with our fellow man. 

What we are all struggling with is the LACK of a connection.   And lockdown has exacerbated this for us.   I think everyone is having a taste of what its like to feel disconnected, and struggle,  and what its like to have depression and anxiety etc..   Some of us feel like this all day, every day, with peaks and troughs but no let up.  I hope that when the crisis is over that everyone remembers how disconnected and confused they felt, and have a renewed  consideration for people with mental health issues.

Work has been making me feel isolated  and disconnected for a while.  And home working is exacerbating that feeling.

You guys are, and this site is an antedote to all the above. Its a safe place to be me in all my imperfections.   Yet you've all supported me and seen things I haven't.   Thank you for connecting with me x

QuoteYou guys are, and this site is an antedote to all the above. Its a safe place to be me in all my imperfections.   Yet you've all supported me and seen things I haven't.   Thank you for connecting with me x

Back atcha, Snookie. I feel this way too. :hug:

 :yeahthat:  absolutely!  love and hugs, snook.  this has been my main connection, this forum and these people, for over 4 yrs. now.  i have no doubt i wouldn't be here without them.   :hug:

Stream of consciousness:   Can't sleep.  Feeling low.  Negative thoughts about myself. Replaying bad memories/Emotional flashbacks/inner critic stuff. Automatic negative thoughts.  Suicide ideation/wanting to end the emotional pain/wanting peace.....to stop being me, with my past and mental conditioning.   Feeling like I'm loosing my mind, getting closer to a breakdown....

Just another night living with C-ptsd.

Off back to bed to listen to guided meditations till I fall asleep from exhaustion. 

 :hug:

Thanks for the hug notalone x

Feeling a little more coherent this morning, but still in a depression.   Lots of negative thoughts: I'm unattractive, old, dysfunctional (on a social level), not dynamic (on a work level), I'm fat/overweight....I could go on.

I think this is a symptom of being disconnected and lack of positive and meaningful things.

I'm going focus on "this will pass".

Hi Snookie, just wanted to say that you're not alone and wanted to give a hug if it's ok :hug: . I've been feeling the same as you have for these 2 days, and so hearing you describe it has helped me by reminding me that I have trauma and it's ok (I tend to "forget" when I'm in ef).
I'm going to send some healing energy your way, so you can find some rest from these horrible symptoms. Wish I could say more, but a virtual hug will have to do.
And thank you for sharing your experience, it really helps me ground.

Thank you Marta  :hug: Your healing energy was appreciated.   Sunday was very peaceful.

******

Woke early morning, again.

Feelings: Isolated.  Threatened.  I hate Mondays. Inadequate. Bad worker. Depressed.  Anxious - scared at what I will find when I log on for work.

Just notice a thought/feeling....

No matter how good I am, there's always someone better. Making me feel inadequate.   Flashback to my mum: never good enough. Flashback to my dad - never best, never number 1, being second is a failure.

Must hug my four-year old inner child - she is crying. :fallingbricks:

This is my cptsd.  It's all part of it's ugly mechanism.  Flashbacks, Inner critics, injured inner children. The emotional pain - ans in this isolation! I'd normally see my T, but can't.  It'll pass.  I can cope till I can have a session (or sessions) to work through this

Back to back to care for my 4 year old self

Really really fed up now.

Reviewed a bill I've done for three people - and realised that there's five more items that I can bill, which I hadn't seen originally.   It took me around an hour and half to work all this out. The rules are all vague and faffy...and it wasn't straightforward.  But I'm beating myself up for not getting it right first time. 

This only came to light because it would have fallen below the higher threshold,  and so I did a really in depth review in order to keep it on the higher rates. I'd have been oblivious otherwise!!!  I know its still a learning curve, but still....! All I can see is I'm not getting it right!!

Everything is sooo complex and faffy - and I can't do right for doing wrong!!! 

I'm wondering if I'm the right person for the job, or if the job is right for me. Defo struggling!

Just want to quit - but need the money.  Jobs won't be thick on the ground after lockdown either.

No point in moaning to my bosses - they've ignored a few emails like that.

Feel so overwhelmed!!!!!

Husband is unlikely to be sympathetic, understanding or even listen. Tried explaining to daughter - who got snappy!! But it's not her place to support me (I don't want her to have to parent me, that's what my mum did with me).

Hi Snookie,
I often have trouble with billing too. It takes me way longer than it should and takes a lot of energy out of me. So I'd just like to send you some care and hope it gets better some way  :hug: :hug:
Blueberry

sending hugs full of patience, snookie :grouphug:

i just got overwhelmed w/ someone on the phone talking to me about my credit card,  :blahblahblah: and had to hand the phone to my d to take care of it.  the words began jumbling around in my head and i couldn't make sense of them anymore.  wanted to let you know you're not alone.  love flying your way!  ;)

Blueberry and San thank you for your replies.  It's nice to know there is someone there  :grouphug:

***********

A much better day.  I woke early, as I didn't rest very well. So I started work early.   In the end it wasn't a bad idea as I had loads of technical stuff to do.

I also found out that one of the 'mistakes' I made a week or so again wasn't actually wrong - there was no other outcome, my lack of action wasn't even a factor!  But at least I made all the right enquiries to be certain.  I wasn't hiding anything and I have learned from it.

And that 'error' that I discovered yesterday,  the other party has acknowledged the up dated figures,  and didn't raise any issues.   In fact as I was cross referencing the paperwork I spotted she'd made a mistake, underclaiming by £1k.  I drew her attention to it and she thanked me for spotting it. Again, her calm and polite acceptance is something I should learn from. 

I got rid of a couple old items from my inbox - one of which the other person has got things wrong twice.

I cleared all the faffy stuff and dealt with some of the old problem cases!!! Phew can't believe how much I did.

What worries me is the amount of difference in the intensity of emotions from today and yesterday.   I used to be like this when mum was alive. Theres only one word to describe it - irrational. 

I have odd irrational days over the last 6 months, but I was like it much more with my scapegoating, uncaring, critical, mother.  At one point I was convinced that I had BPD. Thankfully the irrational says are limited (and possibly less intense).

I do feel that I've been in a constant state of panic for 6 month.  This leads to memory loss, clumsiness, poor judgement, lack of concentration, resentment and apathy.   These are a recipe for disaster  - hence the mistake.   My job is very technical, and faffy.  I need to soothe the panic.  This is not easy when mistakes come to light making feel threatened and increasing the panic.

I'm gonna ponder how I can get out of this panic.  I'm totally dysregulated.   

Hi Snookie, I wanted to come by and send you a supportive hug. It seems like you have a lot on your plate right now, so I hope that completing the work helped ease the panic a bit. Though, I feel you when you describe your emotions being dysregulated, hope you get better and that the panic soothes down.  :)
Wish I could say more to help, but this is all that's coming to me.

hey, snook,

i think sometimes old patterns die hard.  the idea that you can recognize that you don't get into this up and down state as often seems to show that you are calming down, but just get flare-ups every so often. 

congrats to you for discovering you hadn't made that mistake after all, and how very kind of you to show someone else where they made a mistake before it resulted in something bad.  i think her reaction is something a lot of us could remember and learn from!  it sounds just like what i want to eventually be able to do.

keep going, snook!  i think you're doing well.  i truly believe the panic will eventually calm down with time.  i know i've been out of sorts since last sept., and am just now beginning to feel some stability most days.  not perfect, but better than it was.  love and hugs! :hug:

Marta & San

Many thanks for your input. As alwsys, it's appreciated x

*****

All is calm with work.

My head boss asked for information from myself and my colleague to enable him do a report.  My colleague didnt understand it all.

I drafted a detailed email - my head boss said it was perfect.   My colleague thanked me as she'd totally misread/misunderstood his email.

Someone remind me of the above the next time i meltdown lol!!

That's awesome!  :applause: :applause: :applause:

Thank you 3R. 

Since posting the above, my colleague has sent an unsolicited email to everyone with a list of billing rates. She had originally thought that is what my head boss wanted. I thought he'd wanted an indication of the average claims.  She's obviously gone looking for the rates and sent them!!! So annoyed  :pissed:

*********

I was contacted by a colleague on Friday.  He asked how I was, and I told him that I was having good days and bad days.  I explained that I wasn't enjoying work and tried to explain. 

The problem is I don't really KNOW if I'm right to feel the way that I feel.  Or am I reacting/overreacting/being unreasonable?  That feeling sat with me for a while.  I decided to start my bullet point journal again - this is a journal where I am very brief but I list positives and achievements. I also use it park my worries, which I then work through as worry trees.  I can also reframe negative thoughts. 

I've only been doing the journal a few days, so too soon to tell of its helping. 

I've found today very hard. Not only has my colleague sent that email (see above), but I asked my head boss a question. He replied, and seemed to infer I should know the answer...("As you are aware..,.").  Well actually, I was only aware of part of the answer!  I felt that he was annoyed that I'd asked.  Whilst I worked through my worries I did accept that I had no evidence that he was saying that. And that even if he was making an inference, that he should be more direct and tell me if he's annoyed or that I shouldn't ask silly questions.

I'm feeling very fed up. I've sent him a few emails that he's not replied to. I've flagged up several issues that either hasn't been resolved or have been unanswered.

I even mentioned to someone senior that I was fed up. He asked my direct boss to check on me. She did eventually contact me and I sent a long and detailed reply.   ...... No reply.

The silence only makes me feel pathetic and wrong. It makes me feel important. It makes feel like I should keep things to myself.   I feel embarrassed that I felt the need to flag up problems.  It makes me worry about going back into the office.

It also makes me feel angry. Angry that I'm being ignored and not taken seriously. It makes me angry that I feel unimportant or that I'm making a fuss. And mostly I am absolutely furious that they don't care how I am feeling (and how they are making me feel!)!

I feel on the outside. I feel very very triggered. I feel unsafe and threatened. I could go on  :blahblahblah:

I understand that they're under pressure with what's going on currently, but this has gone on for longer than the current crisis.  And it only takes a while to acknowledge an email and say that they will deal with it later.

I am so sorry Snookie that you feel this way. The confusion and anger that you feel, I can relate to too, although in different circumstances. I find it exhausting when I go in a loop thinking whether or not this person meant something else, or just trying to understand why suddenly they are silent or ignore me, and is that my fault (most times I see as it being my fault)?
But I still wanted to say that your feelings are valid in any case. If you feel angry or unheard, and in this case I think logically, it's  valid and should be expressed.

Sending you a hug if it's ok, and hope you find some comfort when it's this confusing. :hug:

Thank you Marta, your comments are most appreciated. And many thanks for your hug X

**********

I've woken in the night... As usual. I'm trying to sleep and avoid the anxiety spiral....as usual.

I've just noticed conflicting feelings. I feel a set of deep intense painful emotions.   And yet I feel numb. I can't actually identify what I feel.

I just want the pain to stop. I'm sick of these difficult feelings and difficulties. I just want peace.

I need to accept that this is the rollercoaster that l my emotions send me on.

 :yeahthat:  going thru this with you, snook.  it's exhausting.  love and hugs and lots of support :hug:

Thank you San. It's nice to know you're there with me

*******

It's my daughter's 16th birthday and we've had a pretty fab day in lockdown.   She's not had the day that she'd have chosen, but the best day possible in the circumstances.

Really happy for us both.

*****

Now my mind turns to work...and a heavy feeling comes over me.

I'm dreading the problems and things going awry.

But more, I'm dreading the disapproval,  how people are when they're not happy to. CUE: massive trigger.  This is an important realization.   It's a flashback to my Dad. But more so, my mum.  Her passive-aggressiveness. Her disappointment.  Her being disgruntled.  But her letting me know it was due to me letting everyone down.

It's  been almost four years ago since she passed away. How am I ever going to shake this feeling. This ingrained reaction?

I've had a pretty decent weekend.  Really enjoyed it.

I have been keeping my daily journal for a week now. It's quite brief and I'm using prompts to focus my attention on certain issues. This seems to be working/helping.

Hiwever I had a flashback/realisation last night....

My mum left my violent father when I was 16. My brother shortly after. After about a year I had to make a break because I couldn't cope.   

I had nowhere to go. Via several charities and agencies I arranged a space in a woman's refuge.  I had to go no contact with all my friends as I thought my father would find me.

I did manage to meet a new group of friends and got my first boyfriend.   Eventually my boyfriends mum let me move in. 

My mum never visited me. If I didn't contact her, she didn't contact me.  Despite what I'd been through she didn't check I was okay.

I would call and see my mum at work (in a shop) every weekend.  I'd stop for a chat for 5 or 10 minutes

I remember very occasionally arranging to visit her at her home.  I remember sharing her food (whatever meal they were having).

Then I remember her and partner picking up a newspaper each and spending an hour or so reading....whilst I had nothing to do but stare into space.  I know that this was there regular routine, but I was a guest, and I visited very infrequently.

Last night when I remembered they used to sit and read the newspaper, it made me feel unwanted and unloved.

If it was my daughter, who I'd not seen for ages, I'd have made a fuss.  I'd have sat and had a good catch up.

It's just another thing that shows how little regardshe had for me. A reminder that even my own mum didn't like me - no wonder I struggle.

Thers has been a lot of talk about easing the lockdown measures in the Uk.  Whilst I'm looking forward to this (being able to do stuff with my family), I'm ruminating about work.

I haven't enjoyed working from home. There is no change of scene, so the negativity and frustration lingers. But it's been beneficial to be able to grumble outload. Or take regular breaks. I've started work earlier and built 10 and 15 minute breaks to allow me to deal with negative emotions.   It's also been nice having my daughter around to break the monotony.

I'm really not looking forward to returning to my old routine.   I really hate being around other people as it reminds me how disordered I am. I just feel like a jigsaw piece put in the wrong place. 

Also, as can be seen from previous entries, I've been struggling at work for a good six months.  I was on the verge of having meetings to discuss these issues, only to rescheduled twice and then cancelled due to having to isolate.

Most of our office has been able to work from home, but some have been furloughed. I know its affected the business, but we should be able to survive, especially if we can bounce back quickly.   But this will be Managements focus for a while when we return.  They won't be ready or willing to sit down with me.  And frankly I'm nervous to even broach the subject. But equally I don't want to sit by cowardly and let them ignore me.

I've sent a couple of emails during lockdown two my two bosses - both of which were ignored.  And I'm feeling incredibly embarrassed now. Was I overreacting? Did I come across as unstable?  Did I sound unreasonable?

If I am listening to my 48 year old 'self' then, no, I made some relevant points.   And that needs to be remembered. 

And, yes,  I may have been emotional, but I shouldn't be ashamed of that. I've needed help and support for months, and not really been listened to.  And I do have C-ptsd, which is hard enough without everything that I've been through.

But still I can't help feeling that I am causing problems and being dramatic.
I'm also concerned that if my firm does struggle financially and redundancies are necessary then will they remember that I pestered them when they were busy dealing with the virus (is 2 emails in 8 weeks really considered pestering).

They have a wellbeing policy and are very proud of their mental health first aiders. But their only wellbeing steps has been organizing nights out (pre virus) and zoom quizzes (during the virus).  They pestered (verging on bullying) one of my colleagues who suffers with anxiety and depression to take part in the quiz.  She made it clear she didn't want to - explaining that she's had enough of work by the end of the day and didn't want to join in. They kept pushing her

My direct boss is one of the mental health first aiders. She was included in both emails I sent - and she didn't reply to any.  Bearing in mind the second email I sent in response to her email asking how I was (She was asked to check on me by a senior colleague as a result to a comment I'd made in an email).

I've seen how my direct boss rolls her eyes when one of my colleagues mentions her mental health (this colleague has taken a long bout of sick leave due to mental health issues).  I've also witnessed my direct boss muttering under her breath or sniping back at this person too.  I get the feeling it's her opinion "oh here we go...."

My head boss is the kinda bloke who just keeps me at arms length.  He deals with things by leaving the problem with you and pretending he doesn't know. And if you do ask him for help he says he's busy.  I accept that it's my job to get the work done, but sometimes there are issues and that's when I need help. I am part of his team and if there are problems then he should at least know...

It's all just s**t! There that's it in a nutshell!

Is there a possibility that I've got this wrong? That they think I'm correct bur they're just incapable of dealing with me (for whatever reason)? And that its actually them that are in the wrong

Oh, I'm going back n forth!

Been noticing that I'm triggered by how well someone else does. This feels like a dirty secret that I've been hiding.   So I'm gonna shine a light on it.

I think the root of this is fear, something from childhood.  I also think it's a sign of total insecurity (and I can see that was due to lack of secure parenting).

I often feel threatened easily - a sign that I don't have confidence in myself to match up or be able to protect myself.

So, this morning I was scrolling through Facebook and a school friend had posted a photo of her house. Then bang! A instant flash of emotion - is her house better than mine. No, it's about the same. Phew, I relaxed. 

What would I have felt if it had been a better house? I'd have felt shame and self loathing.  Then I'd have been angry and resentful. 

I don't seek out things to compare and judge.  It just happens. 

I know my inner critic thrives on shame and beats me up with comparisons.   When I research how to deal with this, it says to see things without Judgement.  But I can only see instantly how inadequate I am. Then I feel very threatened - which just serves no purpose but to make me freeze.

As an aside, if I had thought my house was better than my school friend then the thought process would stop there. I wouldn't feel superior or better than her.

I have noticed how often I'm having this happen.  I see something where someone is 'better' than me  and bang! The emotions hit me.  It can lead to me being quite unsettled (possibly causing me to loose focus and make mistakes).

Think that I'll keep an eye out for this. I have the feeling it's an old unhelpful coping strategy.   Needs working on.

******Edit/addition

Been thinking...I think this is a strange form of perfectionism.   That if I'm 'better' or not worse than someone then I am ok and all is safe.  It's great when it works in my favour,  but very triggering when it doesn't.  That's what  I am experiencing with the threatened feeling - I feel unsafe.

Hmmmm.....

%%%%%% further edit

I think that's where my people-pleasing and trying to over achieve comes from too.    Puts me in a 'safe' place - but at the cost of anxiety and dysregulation and being burned out

wow!  some profound realizations, snookie, and a lot of courage shown in sharing some of your insecurities.  i relate to some of that 'if i'm better, then i'm ok' stuff.  yep, exhausting.  horrible way to live, to my mind, but it's been there for a long, long time.  no wonder we get stressed and burned out easily.  we're constantly in a battle!

this new environment we've been forced into - isolation, etc. - has had its own set of adjustments to make.  returning to what was previously known is another adjustment.  ugh!

love and hugs to you - i think you're doing great.  :hug:

Thank you San

*********

Been an intense couple of days at work.  I think I've finally dealt with every one of the really old * cases. There were soooo many cases/bills dating back up to 7 years ago. I have touched them all now.  Some horrible faffy ones too. But I am now working on them all.

I had one supplier, who'd messed up ho direct to someone I bill for and got them to cancel the bill! Made me look like I didn't know what I was doing.  I explained what had happened and agreed that the supplier had messed up. He should have kept me updated too.

Then I had several difficult and technical emails with a person working for one our suppliers.  They were very narrow minded and seemed determined that I'd done something wrong.   I tried to explain to no avail. He then copied the supplier in - which I felt was trying to show I was wrong. I contacted our guy who did the work - who seemed to think that we've  got it right. There's a lot of work to do on this.

Then I had a training session in the evening as to some of the most technical work I deal with. Very long day!

I thought today was going to be easy....

I got an email from one of our suppliers very tersely telling me I'd made 3 or 4 errors.   I have overlooked one thing - I probably could claim for a cancelled hearing, but it just didn't occur to me. The other points were not valid, I dont think I'm wrong. I explained all this, and offered my apologies for missing the cancelled hearing and offering to claim now.

The supplier came back still saying I'd claimed three dates wrong - so I have replied explaining that I thought I was correct and asking her to confirm that I can now claim the one thing I overlooked.

I'm struggling with my perfectionism- because she's right, I missed one thing. And to my mind that means I am rubbish. Yet another error!

Then I came across a case where the supplier said we should have been paid. I pointed we hadn't and she hadn't given us access to make a claim.  Eventually she gave me access and I claimed the several thousands of pounds that was due.

The same person seems to have given us access to claim on a different bill - but it seems that's thousands short! And she's not the easiest person to deal with! So that's a conversation that I'm dreading.

Everything is hard work. There's so much to remember.   All whilst working remotely from home on a tiny laptop.

I am really fed up and no point contacting my supervisors - they'll only ignore me.

Hubby listened to me grumble. Daughter did too. So that okay.

My back has been bothering for a few years. It's getting worse. A combination of bad posture, extreme stress and overuse (computer mouse, mobile phone etc). I had an MRI scan recently but no follow up appointment was set due to Covid19.

I received a call this week to book a telephone appointment (they're obviously avoiding face to face appointments). I'm ruminating that it something serious.  Why else would they book me an appointment? 

I have some health anxiety - I am a chronic Googler!  I also think my brain is always looking for catastrophy too.

This may be a horrible admission to make but here goes.....when I am struggling with life, and especially work I often wish to be ill. To have a valid excuse to check out of my responsibilities.

I was 18 and having problems with my job. I remember feeling inadequate and useless.   I didn't want to go in. Each day I felt worse.  I remembered having a chest infection and hoping it was something worse (but ultimately curable) so I just would neec need time away from work - quite a bit of time.  Also I would get some sympathy too. Does that make sense?

***trigger warning - references to suicide ****
In my most dark times, I've found myself hoping for a terminal illness.  I often have suicide ideation.  An illness would take matters out of my hands.

Again these aren't thoughts that I'm proud of. I appreciate if it ever happened to me, that I'd feel totally different. I also appreciate that there are people in that position who would dearly swap places in a heart beat.

I should be glad to be alive and healthy.  It's just the thoughts and feelings I have mske me so unhappy and can take me to dark  dark places.

I find it bizarre how essentially one error at work can take to the point of wanting to die and suicidal ideation. 

I just want to off the hurt. So many layers of so many deep, heavy and dark intense emotions and thoughts.  It's overwhelming.  It's easy feel like I'm drowning inside.

****Trigger warning ends ****

I'm going to try and rest now

Bad nights sleep.  Tossed and turned.

Woke this morning thinking about that horrible woman and critcal email.  I actually think she was wrong - she's probably not using the regulations correctly.  I've started the ball rolling to find out if she is wrong.

But this meant logging on to work! And a few other difficult problems were in need of attention, so I sorted them.  So spent about three hours at it.  Yes, it's wrong,  I know......I should enjoy my weekend.

I feel better for talking charge of the problem.  But actually it's only because I might be proved right.   I need to get used to not being perfect.  To accept at times I f**k up or am plain wrong. 

But at least I'm not have thoughts of self harm for now

And another thing I need to accept is, the job is bloody hard. It's very faffy and technical. Some of the issues I've dealt with are complex!!! And I only work (or supposed to work is 4 hours a day).

Give your self some slack Snookie!  And be okay with being below standard, rubbish, stupid,  forgetful or wrong!    Life will not end!!!! :doh:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thanks for the hugs San, they're very welcome X

:grouphug:

Feeling things aren't perfect. Perfectionism is very high at the moment. 

I need to focus on 'enough' being good enough.  The best that I can do, is all so can do.

The root cause of all of this is fear of criticism. That will mean that I am no good. I am what my parents said I was. That I may not be liked, approved of, held in any esteem. Or worse, I may be sacked or abandoned. All because I'm bad....I made a mistake..... Or many mistakes.

These are all irrational automatic negative thoughts though. But even knowing this and understanding how my anxiety works doesn't help shake the hold it has over me. And so I continue to be gripped by fear. Cold, dark, cloying, draining fear in the centre of my very being. It's sucking any joy, happiness, peace, contentment and harmony right out of me.

This cycle has to stop! I need to overcome this fear of * something up!!!!!

Feeling blue. On a downward spiral.

Been a very chilled day, and it's a Bank Holiday weekend, so a three day weekend. But the thought of repeatedly experiencing the feelings that work generates in me fills me with dread.  I don't know how long I can endure this and hold on for.

My inner critic is strangling me.   I'm constantly on edge. My self esteem is non existent.  Just very fed up now

:fallingbricks:

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down today. I hope things get better soon! Hang in there, I have confidence you're stronger than your ICr, even though sometimes it may not feel like it!

i agree with jazzy, and may i add a POO! on your ICr.  i was given a blanket the other day (virtually) by a member here about a problem i was having, and i want to give one to you, too, that says LEAVE SNOOKIE ALONE!!!  it's soft, calming, and cuddly for you, but has a spine made of steel against any nasty ICr messages that aren't true.  love and hugs  :hug:

Jazzy and San thank you for your words of support. They really helped x  :thumbup:  :thumbup:

And San thank you so much for the virtual blanket, I love it! And will treasure it! I love the slogan.

I am feeling much better. I'm trying to be aware of my ICr, because then I have a chance of separating the lies that it tells me. If I can see the lies, then  I may be able to stop them harming me.

I am thinking that this cycle ends with defeating, or minimizing my inner critic.   It'll preserve my self esteem, neutralise my perfectionism, minimize shame, self loathing and emotional pain.

Any tips on dealing with my inner critic would be appreciated x

I'm finding a ton of improvement in dealing with my ICr by using the IFS approach, recognizing that the ICr was something that developed within me as a protective measure. Our inner critics, according to IFS, are "parts who run a system in ways that aim to minimize the activation (distress) of its exiles." (p 282 "Internal Family Systems Therapy). Approaching my ICr with an attitude of non-judging, honest curiosity and asking it to just take a backseat is more helpful and successful than anything else I've tried so far.

According to IFS, we all have parts within us. These parts develop within our psyches to guard us from exposure to pain and danger, real or imagined. Some of these parts are protectors, taking the role of either manager or firefighter. Managers are motivated by fear and use their role to inhibit the Self from exposing themselves to further abuse or danger.

I'm truly excited about this book and its approach as an avenue to real, lasting healing.

Jazzy many thanks for your comments. I keep hearing about IFS - I will investigate this.

****

It's been quite a week. I've had lots of very technical and contentious claims to deal with. At one point someone suggested I missed £7K of work! But I didn't panic - I dealt with the situation, and it turned out that the other person had their facts wrong. I did think for about 30 minutes that I would be sacked though! Phew

I can't believe how involved things have been at work. I need to relax - my muscles are killing me (really bad muscle armouring).

A colleague made me feel bad for 'fretting'. Like I'm overacting. I've worked this through in my daily journal. She doesn't understand what I feel and why. She doesn't have my responsibilities. She refers her problems to me to sort. I don't have any such help or support. My work is harder and larger value. I think she missed the jokey tone of my email - and I may have misconstrued hers. So I feel better.

And finally. I realise I'm over working/putting too much effort in at work. I'm placing to much importance in it. But I think that's because I've always been a disappointment (to my mum and dad). And I'm trying to stave that off at work because It would be painful to experience again. But like perfectionism, it's never ending.  I will never feel safe. I will never ever feel approved of... Unless I approve of my own efforts. The best I can manage is...I don't do bad and I am persistent until we get stuff sorted

Not feeling great today. At first put this down to very early Monday morning blues.  I usually don't get the until tea time on a Sunday.

But I am wondering if I am having an EF (or several EFs).

I am feeling and having thoughts about being useless.   I am feeling emotions welling up, that I have felt over and over again.

My mind is throwing up memories of mistakes that I've made from over the years.  My ICr smuggly trying to prove how much of an idiot I am.

I'm trying to counter or moderate what my ICr is saying. Trying to see it froma different perspective.

What isn't helping is my inner child is crying. She is realizing that she never had a proper father figure or mother figure. She does have the skills and confidence to make and keep friends.  She's craving someone coming along and comforting her ..but knows it won't happen.   

I'm going to sit with my Inner Child and offer whatever comfort I can offer.  I was given a virtual blanket recently,  so I can use that for us.

I think sitting with and comforting the child is a kind and compassionate thing to do. She deserves that kindness. :hug:

May I add my care to your inner child?

Snookie, you are allowed to be human, allowed to make mistakes.

Thank you Snowdrop and Notalone

******************

Bad day at work again.....

I have a potential problem (not of my doing) which I referred to my head boss for approval before I deal with it. Only for him to tell me he's too busy to deal with it right now. He has been on leave and is playing catch up.

I understand what he is saying but every time I ask him for assistance (which isn't often) he fobs me off! So angry.

I'm not sleeping because I'm thinking of work. Husband is no support or help.

I've emailed  both my bosses over the last there months. I've mentioned the difficulties I've had and my anxiety.....no reply.  I'm so upset

I have a therapist appointment tomorrow   it's the first time I'll have some privacy to have a video appointment. I so need it!

Had an appointment with my T yesterday and felt better.  Both agreed I need to speak to someone from work.

I decided to email my direct supervisor this morning. She arranged for us to have a video meeting this morning.  She said she'd had grumbles from people about our head boss before, and from people who are no longer with us. She said she not to think it's me, which is reassuring.

I'm doing my best on a technical job, with no supervision or training.  I've flagged up issues to be ignored.

Just this morning one of the senior members is trying to bend the rules to bill more than normal.  I have no issue with that, but it's now clear that he's wanting to bill for more than that, and I didn't realise. I can try adding it in now, but we may get knocked back.  I just feel everyone is digging at me. 

I got an email from my head boss and responded with two queries, to receive a sharp response. I think that this isn't an healthy working relationship.

My direct supervisor is speaking to the senior member about my head boss.  I just feel eveyone is going to be unhappy at me and can't see a way forward.

I explained that I wasn't happy or enjoying the work and wished I could leave (but obviously cant because I need the money and new jobs will be hard to come by).

Feeling very trapped and unhappy.   Worried it's all going to be my fault (cue flashbacks to previous jobs).

...if nothing changes, I think I may need to go on sick leave :fallingbricks:

Hi Snookie, I don't think we've met yet, I just wanted to say hello  :wave:

Your work situation sounds incredibly stressful. It sounds like your direct supervisor may be someone you can talk to? Maybe try to keep working with her to find a solution.  it's tough when work is a place of dysfunction.

Hey Snookie, I hear you and I'm so sorry you're having this much trouble at work and not being listened for speaking about your mental health. I wanted to send a supportive hug, if it's ok. :hug:
And please take care x

Hi Owl25  :heythere:

Nice to meet you. And thank you for your comments.

Marta,

Many thanks for the supportive hug.

*********

So my direct supervisor called me on Tuesday. She'd spoken to a senior member of staff who'd offered to be my 'go to' person. They'd both said that given the complex nature of the work, the amount of work, lack of support and  zero training that they didn't want me worrying if the wheels came off on a case, so to speak. Obviously they don't want to to happen all the time, but as long as I learn from it, they'll back me. They wouldn't go as far as saying that they'd do anything to keep me happy, but they do want to keep me happy.

This all seemed fine. I just needed to email the senior member of staff to get the ball rolling. So I thought I'd think about it overnight.

When I logged on, my head boss had thanked me for a problem that I'd solved and suggested we restart our monthly meetings! 

What! You've ignored my emails for months. Cancelled on me several  times. Not kept in touch. And out of the blue suggested we start having meetings.

So I'm waiting for confirmation as when we can have a video meeting. I'm would like to tell him what is been like for the past six months and how difficult things have been and how I felt 'left to it'. 

Yesterday, my most difficult case that was close to being settled took an unexpected turn. Everyone has missed something on it - including me, but the main problem is the agency who pays.  This was a very very stressful day, due to this. But I did well accepting it for what it is.

I flagged the problem up with my head boss, expecting him to ignore me or to kick off. He simply acknowledged my email, and asked I keep him informed.

Today is a very quiet day. I finished my work early, so I'm shamelessly skiving! There have been many days where I've done extra work for free, so today, I'm taking back that time. I need to purge some of the angst that I've been feeling for months.

Feeling a bit done with lockdown today.  Need connection

Suffering from 'whats the f@@$%^g point' thinking.

Inner critic is strong.   I'm fat, ugly, useless. Need a boost.

I've just seen your post, Snookie. I'm sorry you were feeling down, and I hope you're feeling better today. :hug:

Sending care to you.  :grouphug:

Thank you Snowdrop and notalone x

*************

Every so often I get random memories that pop back in to my head.  They're  not flashbacks really, just me remembering stuff. But I do have certain emotions that are associated with specific memories.

And with the benefit of hindsight and having a good understanding of my cptsd, I can now appraise the situation differently.  And sometimes its startling  that I am seeing it from a different anfle for the first time.  It's  a revelation.

For example this week I remembered when I was hospitalized with a severe chest infection and my asthma when I was 6.   I was taken to hospital in an ambulance and I remember the room seemingly being crowded by people treating me (this is a very blurry image).

I was taken to the ward where I fell asleep. When I woke they'd erected an oxygen tent around my bed.  I cried so much that they had to take it down. My mum wasn't happy with me telling me that it was meant to help me. She has referred to the incident a few tines since too.

For years I've felt it was wrong or bad of me to do that. But this time when I remembered it, I actually realized it was natural for a 6 year old to be frightened.  And given the fact that it had been done without my knowledge,  to wake up and find I'd effectively been put in a plastic bubble, isolated from everyone.

I googled oxygen tents when I had the memory and it does look awful for a child to be in one.  Its a giant plastic sheet hung from poles and tucked under the mattress to keep the air in. They also used warm or humid oxygen  and I remember feeling hot and sticky which made me panic more.

My mum should have been soothing and protective.  But she was more worried about the fuss i was making.  For so many years I have felt bad about this whilst now I realise, with compassion, that 6 year old me was just very scared, alone and hadn't had anything explauned to me.

I think I've now released the negative emotion that come with that memory.

That would have been scary for anyone, let alone a 6 year old. Little Snookie deserved compassion and kindness, and to be told she was safe. She did nothing wrong. :hug:

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on June 26, 2020, 06:26:51 AM
My mum should have been soothing and protective.  But she was more worried about the fuss i was making.  For so many years I have felt bad about this whilst now I realise, with compassion, that 6 year old me was just very scared, alone and hadn't had anything explauned to me.

She should have been soothing and protective. I'm sorry you didn't receive the comfort that you needed and deserved.

During a guided meditation (which I won't be using again) it suggested that I visualise my fear.  I went back to being a young child (around 4-6 years old). My parents were shouting at me for something minor that I'd done. They were so angry, their faces contorted. They were so intense. I felt deep shame. I so inadequate at being a human being.

I carry that feeling everyday. I'm scared of re-enacting that scene.  I don't want anyone to make me feel like that again. But people have made me feel like that - compounding my fear.

This is why I have perfectionism. This is why mistakes are sooooooo terrible. They're reminders of how bad and useless I really am. They're threats of someone treating like my parents did.

I just want approval. I just want safety. I just want to be a good person and be loved.

 :hug: I know this is not enough but sending you a gentle hug if it's ok.
I hear you Snookie, I really do. I'm so sorry you have that fear, and unfortunately, I feel I have the same. And for me, this fear also comes around when strangers or just people that take that stance of chiding me for a mistake. I hear you and what you need. I'm sorry you didn't have that, the safety and love. But you can get support from here (this forum) and acceptance.
Any case, hope you feel better :)

Hi Snookie, I also wanted to send you a gentle hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Marta & Hope

Many thanks for your replies and hugs X

******************

Following an anxiety spike mid week last week, I've done some reflecting.  I've realized that on top of being hypervigilant etc, my inner child is constantly craving approval.

I recently started having catch up meetings with my head boss. This was something I insisted on, given the complex nature of my job. I need a space to discuss problems and difficult cases.

But I still had anxiety and negative feelings. During a therapy session my T suggested that it was these new sessions that were creating the feelings. She suggested it was reminding me of similar past experiences where I'd been judged harshly.  I think she was spot on.

We decided that once my meetings became more regular then the feelings would subside.  This made sense.

Each month there announce two people for recognition - an employee of the month.  I've been picked twice in two years. But each month, when the award is announced I have such a bad reaction. To be honest I get angry inside and feel very very resentful.  This isn't a good reflection on me, but that how I feel.  I then feel invisible, overlooked, taken for granted and simply not good enough.

Some months it's been the junior clerks who've won for printing documents! And one won three months running! I'm dealing with technical and difficult stuff; trying to clear stuff that historically hasn't been handle properly. And I'm overlooked.

I did soon realise that it was usually the 'in crowd' who won. So if you were liked by, or friends with one of those who choose the award then you'll be picked.

My daughter also pointed out that sometimes the award is given to members of staff who are difficult, to pacify them.  And, yes, I can see that has happened. But it make me look very sour and resentful (again these are emotions that I AM feeling).

Whilst doing my daily journal, it struck me that a number of times this week that external people have been grateful and impressed by my work.  So the lesson is, approval comes from different sources. This has offset the feelings I felt mid week.

I then realised how desperately I want my head boss to approve of me. Hence why having meetings with him are anxiety-provoking.  He might not approve. He might judge.  This fear of being negatively judged is constant presence.  I often find my thoughts drifting to what this boss will think of what I'm doing. When things are difficult, then I worry how , he'll judge me.  I'm constantly waiting for him to praise me.

I can be addicted to praise. Yes, I'm a praise-junkie!! It's something I became aware of many years ago, and I coined the phrase "praise-junkie" during therapy.   I'll often take on too much just to please. I'll over stretch myself. So I suppose it's people pleasing. It's also like an automatic thought too - it just bubbles up, out of nowhere. Or is constantly ticking away in the background.

Snookie,

Your reflections about work resonate with me.  My work also has in the past done an employee of the month and the "winner" is always an "in" crowd.  I want to be recognized and seen and heard too.  I'm not sure that award would actually do it for me but I also crave external validation since I never had it growing up.

I appreciate that you are noticing these things about yourself and taking what steps you can to work with it.  I hope that you find some ease.  Thank you for sharing. 

Rainydiary

Thank you so much for your comments. Your validation and support is really appreciated.

***********************

I've just broken up for holiday.  Literally the last thing I did has gone wrong.   The third party I was dealing with has messed up. I pre-agreed something subject to an amendment.   She has changed something different to what I expected and now that could cause problems! 

I email her to point out it's still wrong.  No reply.  I called, no reply.  So I emailed my head boss because I knew that I'd worry.  He said I have done everything to cover myself and can't do anymore. He said I should try and enjoy my break.

Now I'm worried that I'm coming across as intense and crazy.

We had our fortnightly catch up this week.  And I could see myself on the zoom call.  Oh, I look so wound up! And I sound soooo serious.  I noticed how much I apologise and justify.  I must be such a bind

I have noticed my thoughts so much this week.  How sour and twisted they sound.  The worse case scenario is I'm becoming paranoid.  At best my Generalized Anxiety is really playing up. I need to switch off or I'll burn out, make myself ill and have a breakdown!!!! My thinking has become very dark, irrational and slightly more distorted. I'm no longer sure what's real any more - how things really are. This is a combination of a rampant and vicious inner critic and a very scared and threatened innet inner child. 

My work, isolation and working from home triggered my c-PTSD,  big time. Ironically the lack of quiet time is a problem too - hubby and daughter are constantly pestering and bickering with me.

There....at least feel better for a vent.

Now to focus on not ruminating on work and on relaxing and enjoying my annual leave.  And in September I have arranged to work in the office 1 day per week. I am proud of arranging that - I am aware how easy it is to give into avoidance with my Social anxiety.   My daughter should be back at school too, so I'll get a bit more head space. So change is coming, which offers some hope...

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on August 15, 2020, 12:38:53 AM
He said I have done everything to cover myself and can't do anymore. He said I should try and enjoy my break.

Hi Snookiebookie - I hope you can enjoy your break.  You certainly sound like you did everything you could!  Also you mentioned that you will get a bit more head space soon, and that sounds so good. 

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope x

My inner critic is killing me!!!

Feeling such self loathing for myself.

Self esteem very low.  Inner child frightened and bullied.

Difficult to be motivated and deal with the tidal wave of negative thoughts.

Sending you much love and support, snookie  :hug: We're here for you :)

Thank you for your support Marta x

It's been a bit of a mare today.

We've had an intermittent fault on some of our lights.  Last week the main circuit board tripped. This has never happened before, so we knew it was something that needed fixing. 

My husband a is equally highly strung as me, but this plays into his triggers so I knew he'd make it hard work. He makes a drama out of a crisis, and is a problem finder rather than a problem solver.  I knew it'd land on my shoulders.

So I ended up booking an electrician, who came today. It turns out that the bathroom is leaking near one of the sockets. He's made temporary repairs.  So next problem is to get a plumber.

My husband is friends with someone who does plumbing for a job. But wouldn't get in touch with him. Instead he wanted me to contact a friend of my step dad who has done a couple of small plumbing jobs.

Thankfully, this family friend came, and we found the problem fairly quickly. It took him two and a half hours. He's coming back tomorrow to check it's alright and then he'll replace my floorboards.

Felt really triggered all day.  I've had tension in my stomach all day.

Thankfully I've got some money saved to pay for all this - I'd been hoping to pay someone to decorate the hallway. That needs to go on hold as that is where the problem light switch is. I want to be confident that the problem is truly fixed before we decorate that area.

Tomorrow is my daughter's exams results day.  There's been chaos in the education sector as to how to award results in the absence of exams which were missed due to Covid19. This has added to the stress that my daughter has had.

I'm supposed to be on annual leave from work, to rest and relax.   :fallingbricks:

Fingers crossed with the exam results. Hopefully today will go better after the fiasco over the past week.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your time off. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop.

*******

Today was a good day

My daughter smashed her GCSE'S

She got

2 x 9 (A**)
4 x 8 (A*)
3 x 7 (A)
1 x 6 (B)

So proud of her x

 :cheer: for your daughter's success, she has done really well.  Glad you're feeling proud. 
:hug: to you, Snookie.
Hope  :)

Oh that's brilliant! Hooray! Hooray!

 :cheer: That's amazing Snookie! Congrats for her and you :hug:

I have an appointment with my T this week. I only see her when I need to. And lately I feel that I'm losing my grip on reality. It's not until I spend time or interact with 'normal' people that I realise how dysfunctional I actually am.

I am back working in the office one day a week. My first day back was very triggering.  I just wanted to curl and die! I really didn't want to be there. I felt so.... different.... to everyone.

I'm having regular fortnightly meetings with my head boss too. And they're very triggering too. Firstly, even though I'm reasonably happily married and I assume he is, I can't help but be attracted to him - not that I'd act on it either. But it does add an extra layer of difficultly to having one to one with him.  And as I think most people with C-PTSD I have difficulty with those in management - so another layer of difficulty. And my inner child is always craving approval, and my inner critic is always making me justify myself and explain my anxieties.  In short I come across as serious, and intense, and probably like a jibbering idiot!!!  Lots of fuel for my inner critic at 4am when I am trying to sleep.

My inner critic had me merciless lately.  I was eating lunch the other day and I caught my reflection. The "voice" from my critic was so very harsh. I noticed how fat I am; my terrible posture; my lank hair...... I suddenly realised how horrible and mean this voice was. I felt awful, but it was my own mind that was doing it.  And it's worse than its been before.

I keep a CBT journal, with positives, to offset this voice. But that's not helping. I hate myself, even in my own daydreams and fantasies. I can't find many redeeming things about myself and the inner critic turns it's spotlights on all my errors and flaws. I cannot understand why anyone would like me, and that's evidenced by a lack of friends. And what's more not many people throughout my life have even been bothered to make an effort to get to know me. It's like I'm totally unappealing.

I've seen my core beliefs good from I'm rubbish to I am bad.  My mind had started to not only focus in things I've done wrong but finds bad things I've done.  It finds things I can't do, that I'm incapable of doing - I'm defective.

When I am with my work colleagues I just feel like I don't fit, I don't know how to be normal. They're always better than me. They're so relaxed and cool.

The work colleague who I work closely with never ever makes mistakes! But she'll pester me on things that I'm getting on with - really annoying!  I have found myself really resenting her. And trying to find things she's done wrong or slowly. Then I feel like a creep for this, or that I'm twisted for feeling this way. And then she gets Employee of the month! And my head boss says "she's like a machine", complimenting her. And all I can think is, he doesn't like or appreciate me!  How sad is that?  And I feel so bad and ashamed at how I feel inside.

Anyway, I'll relay all this to my T this week. She's quite good at making connections and understanding me. It's also great to unload all the intense emotions with her. And sometimes she will be able to explain the mechanisms in my head and come up with a solution or coping technique.

I just feel so ashamed of who I am and how I am. I wish could be who I am and not worry about it. But when I'm so intensely triggered I don't have a personality, I'm a ghost, I don't know who 'I' am.  It scares me as I know that's a symptom of BPD.  I've often felt that maybe I am Borderline (my T denies this). My father was quite possibly Borderline and his personality was very brittle and his ego very fragile - and whilst I hate to admit it I am like this too.  However, since seeing my current T I have totally calmed down how emotionally reactive I am.  And my anger usually was internal rather than external.

Needed to post about a bad day.   I didn't want to put in my new journal.   This post fits in with my previous posts on this journal.

At work I sent a bill, which I checked to a master document.  So on 30th June all the fees were correct.

In September I obtained 100% payment on account for the person I was billing for.  Ive have just realised that we've  duplicated two fees, so at some point they'll need paying back by the person who I billed for. They won't be happy.

I've looked into why this happened.  It looks like my head boss  added those extra fees on 14th July. He shouldn't have done that as those fees HAD been billed on a different part of the case, as they  should have been.

I added new fees on around  22nd July for work done from 1st July onwards.  As I knew the fees up to 30th June were correct,  I didn't think I needed to check those again. The duplicate fees were for January, i.e.in the batch of fees I'd already checked.  So I wouldn't have noticed them.

I'm worried that I'm going to be blamed. So I email my head boss.

I received a reply saying he was too busy to even read my email!!!

I'm so angry.   Firstly, he cant even read my email.   I matter that much.  I appreciate that he maybe busy but he he can't take 60 seconds to whizz through my email to see if it's important.  Second that he had to mess with bills!! And finally I know that I'll have to fix this. He'll just tell me email the person who's bill it is to tell him, and take any flack from him.  This is the same person who my head boss should have contacted about an overpayment at his previous office. My head boss delegated to me, but I got all my emails approved by my head boss. The person got very shirty and my head boss just left me to take all the fallout.

I have flagged up to my team leader, as shes listened to me moan about my head  boss before.  We've scheduled a meeting tomorrow.   

hope the meeting went well, snook.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San

Yes, the meeting went very well.  My team leader was just as exasperated at my head boss as I was. 

I'm having my usual catch up meeting with him on Wednesday, so I'll talk to him about the problem then. But I'll preempt him by drafting some documents - he's sure to ask.

I'll just have to cope with him being like this. But my team leader wants to be informed of problems like this. And told me I can vent to her.

She told me they're very happy with me. I've realised that I'm willing and able to fix long standing problems at work. Some caused by my head boss. Most of which he's ignored for years and years. He wants to concentrate on one area of his job, and that's it.  Usually it's me coming up with the solutions in our meetings. But given the sensitive and controversial nature of the cases, I still need the meetings to have it on record that I've discussed it with him. (I keep minutes).

glad to hear that, snook, and also that you've got someone who has your back and is giving you a place to vent.  well done!  :thumbup:  love and hugs :hug:

I was due to have my fortnightly catch up meeting my head boss on Wednesday. When I logged on he had emailed to postpone it till Friday.

This week's meeting was a video meeting.  He is always late to the video meetings.  So I wasn't surprised at him not being there at the start time.  15 minutes in, I got an email saying he was stuck on the phone. 

He finally came online 50 minutes late and told me I could have 5 or 10 minutes.  I had 3 or 4 things I really needed to discuss.

I felt a mixture of anger and exasperation.  I also felt hurt and that I was unimportant.  I felt like I was being a burden to him.  I went into freeze mode. I wasn't sure what the appropriate response was.

He'd clearly had a bad morning.  He was clearly annoyed at having to even give me the 5 or 10 minutes.   He didn't apologise about being so curt or cutting our meeting short.

Sure he mentioned that he had an urgent call in the next 30 minutes, but only to press home that there was no way of going over the 5 or 10 minutes he had said I could have.

I started by saying that I would go through the 3 or 4 problems first - they were the most important.  I must stress that none of these problems are of my doing, I'm just trying to fix existing problems, most of which pre-date my time here.

One of the problems has been caused by my boss meddling with a case. This is likely to provoke a grumble or complaint from someone outsideour firm.  I emailed my head boss over a week ago, but he told me he was too busy to even read it.  I suggested that we discuss it at this meeting.   When I tried discussing it, he just didn't want to know.  I explained that I'd drafted he main body of an email to the person in question, but wanted to know how to finish it off.  He just said send it. I asked if he wanted see ot or approve it. No, he didn't.

He doesn't want to know. He just wants me to go away.  So my feeling is if there's any come back from this situation I will be left picking up the pieces, by myself.  No support.   That left me feeling very angry.

He was just as non committal with everything else. The message was that he has more important things to deal with and I should just go away and sort them.

Whilst I understand that he was having a bad day, it wasn't reasonable to be that way. That isn't support.   Being cold and grumpy isn't the correct way to be with someone.  That's just provoke a reaction, which isn't the right way to deal with someone.

If he thinks that I shouldn't be asking questions or raising these queries, then he should say. If he thinks that I'm asking too many questions or constantly seeking reassurance then he should say so. He shouldn't be grumpy and offhand because he's trying to push me away or put me off.

I have sent a brief email to my direct supervisor, to update her.  However I don't expect a reply. I would like the chance to vent to her and discuss how I'm feeling.  And to consider solutions or alternative ways of dealing with this.

I am still seething. I am so angry at the situation.  I'm also angry at my boss as a person - how could someone be so inconsiderate?

I did wonder if i was the problem.  Whether my anxiety was the issue.  But  actually I don't think it is.  So I'm also angry at him making me doubt myself.

I'm just so angry.

I've had a terrible day.

My head boss has just had a go at me at the end of our regular meeting.

We'd arranged to have the meeting on Thursday.  He cancelled 15 minutes after the start time of that. He asked me in his email if anything was urgent.   I replied asking if he wanted to try again on Friday (today). He suggested that we hold it early at 9am. I sent a fresh zoom invite.

This morning when I logged on, I found that he'd emailed me last night saying he was busy.  I replied asking him to let me know when he was free.  He said 12.30. So I sent him a revised Zoom invite.

I rattled through my questions.  He really didn't seem interested.  He said that he had a lot on his plate.  And I suggested drafting things for him, for him to approve.  Or revisiting the issues in the new year. But I acknowledged that he's likely to be busy then too.

I mentioned a case that we'd discussed last time, which is very complex and there have been some developments.   I also mentioned previous cases where I was waiting on things from him.

At the end of the meeting he had a go at me for none of it being urgent. He was annoyed at having scheduled the meeting three times. He said he had other, more important things to deal with.  That all of it could have waited. He felt it could have been dealt with by a couple of emails. 

I said that all of the things I had were important and need answers.   That he'd agreed to having the meetings. 

He said he had other priorities and he'd have to think about future meetings and perhaps someone could help me.  I said if someone else could do it, just let me know.  He said that some of the items have been mentioned before (true because we never sort them).  I said that we'd had this before, that we need to discuss things whether by email or meeting and I'm happy whatever the frequency (daily, weekly etc). We ended the meeting.   It had taken 17 minutes - and some of that was general chit chat. So I had probably taken 15 minutes - bear in mind it's almost a month since our last meeting.

I am so angry.  I'm very upset and have been crying all afternoon.

I have rung and emailed my direct supervisor to raise this with her.  I'm waiting to her from her.

I have since realised that I should have pointed out to my head boss that he doesn't reply to my emails! Or his reply is that he's too busy to even read my email!!!

I feel that relationships have soured badly. I want nothing further to do with him.  I am stunned he was like that.

Hi Snookiebookie,
I am sorry you've had such a terrbile day.  Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok  :hug:
I hope your supervisor will contact you soon, so you can raise the issues with her. I hope she supports you.
Take care,
Hope  :)

I'm so sorry, Snookie, that sounds awful. I would have felt angry and upset in this situation too. I hope your supervisor contacts you soon. :hug:

Hi Hope and Snowdrop

Thanks for your comments and hugs, they were appreciated.

I know it's the weekend, but I've checked my work emails.  My direct supervisor has emailed at 4pm yesterday (after I logged off for the day).  She apologized for not getting back to me earlier. She has something to talk to me about as there's changes to the structure of the billing and credit control team. She said it wasn't anything to worry about, but she just needs to fill me in.

I also got an email from my head boss. He reiterated what we'd discussed.  He also said that he's being pulled 100 different ways and that we'll have to postpone our meetings until the new year. I will have to email him and if it's urgent (only if it's urgent) then I can call him. He then said in the new year he'd schedule monthly meetings.

I very much doubt that he'll be happy or polite of I called him.  And I expect it'll be towards the end of January or beginning of February before he gets around to scheduling the next meeting.  I feel nervous asking him to diaries something now, and equally nervous at the thought that I'll have to chase him up in the New year.

I'm starting to feel that it's all me. I'm feeling like I must be unhinged.  I don't feel rational. 

***"TW self harm/suicide ideation***
I'd been feeling down for the last 7-10 days.  I've had some problems with my daughter recently (although they seem to be resolving with some emotional support from school).  In the UK we're part way through a lockdown again.  I'm working from home and all hospitality and non essential shops have closed and we cannot see our friends and family.  This time around school have remained open, so that means I'm in my own for upto 9 hours per day. 

As a result of all this, I've felt really down.  In the first lockdown my daughter was around and we spent time together each day. But this time around it's just me, so my mood is much darker.  I'd been thinking of self harm and have head suicide ideation.  But now this has happened at work. I feel overwhelmed.

I also know that I've had similar issues at other jobs that I've done.  I'm starting to think it's me. There is something wrong with me, with my thought process, how I react. I'm the only common denominator.

I know that it's totally ridiculous that my job illicits such a strong reaction and makes me want to hurt myself!

I also understand that the thing that's wrong with me is that I have C-PTSD. And that I function am quite high functioning.  But I still have the reactions and I am different to others.

Oh Snookie, I feel as though I want to wrap you up in a big soft blanket.

I get how hard and upsetting work is. Your head boss says he has a lot on his plate, but so do you, and he has a duty of care towards you.

I'm in the UK too, and I hear the impact the second lockdown is having on you.

I don't think you're unhinged, Snookie. Navigating the world with CPTSD injuries is hard. Please don't hurt yourself. I care about you. Sending you much love and support. :hug:

**pulls big soft blanket around myself **

Thank you Snowdrop,  it's a lovely blanket and your care and understanding is really appreciated.  Thanks so much for hearing me and understanding how I feel x

A friend has suggested that I'm being bullied.   I'm not sure it could be considered that from a legal standpoint but I am prone to being bullied.  My CPTSD is the root cause of the due to my self esteem being nonexistent and a vicious inner critic.

Your head boss saying that he's being pulled 100 different ways, makes me think that maybe the system at work is disfunctional.

I would like to add my care to Snowdrop's soft blanket wrapped around you. The lockdown; stressful, unsupported work; and cptsd is all a great deal to hold. 

Hope today goes ok, Snookie. Thinking of you. :hug:

Snowdrop,

That was so thoughtful x

I've spoken to my direct supervisor who thinks my head boss was completely out of order.  She informed me that they're recruiting a team leader over me and a couple of other colleagues.   So I should never have to speak to my head boss again.

I am not sure about a new team leader  it makes me feel that I'm inadequate  and need supervision.   I also feel a bit usurped. I'm anxious how it'll affect me and where it'll leave me in the pecking order.

I feel like I've come in a pretty much come in with very little training or support.  I've reduced the outstanding debt, the age of the outstanding cases and got systems in place to keep things moving. I've solved so many of the difficult cases by myself.  I have pretty much trained myself the difficult bills although theres so much I'm still unsure of.  Only to find someone is coming in over me.

This happened at my last job too. I felt like I wasn't quite up to their expectations.   Quite deflating.

I'm glad your direct supervisor validated you by saying your head boss was out of order.

I understand your anxiety, but I don't think you're inadequate. To the contrary, I think you've done brilliantly well. Look at all the things you've achieved. Wow.

It sounds to me as though there's lots going on, so they need more people. Notalone said earlier that maybe the system at work is dysfunctional, and I wonder if this is an attempt to try and correct that. :hug:

I hope your week's going ok, Snookie. :hug:

Hi Snowdrop

Thank you for your thoughtfulness and concern.  My week has been challenging but not total chaos.  I'm bearing up. 

Thank you

hey, snookie,

i think your boss was totally out of line, and, to my mind, it sounds like bullying - legal definition or not, it's still bullying.  i think you stood up to him really well.   :thumbup:

for a time, i was up for a job as team leader.  it had nothing to do with anyone's ability, adequacy, or the need to be supervised, such as one would do with children. instead, it was a way to coordinate separate factions, make sure everyone was on the same page and knew what was going on in the same way.  maybe that's what this team leader role would be about as well.  from what you've written, it sounds like a bit of oversight might help with getting the bigger picture and perspective, as well as having someone kinder to ask questions of.

i hope that's the case.  you don't sound inadequate; rather, just the opposite.  i think the boss bully is the one feeling inadequate and pressured, and looks for someone to take it out on.  pooh on him!!! :blahblahblah:  just a bunch of hot air he's blowing at you.  sending love and a hug filled with a fan to blow that hot air back where it belongs   :hug:

Hi San

Thank you for your reply.  Sooo appreciated x

I know that it reflects what kind of person my head boss is. He is insecure as he was lashing out at me on purpose to push me away. He should just have communicated to me instead of being mean and rude. 

My direct supervisor also said that I shouldn't take it to heart too. That the problem is with him and not me.

I think you are correct in your assessment of why someone is coming in a team leader. And it'll cut down on contact with the horrible head boss.

I have been applying for other jobs and have an interview on Tuesday.   I'm ambivalent about it.  It's four full days per week whereas I only work 4 hours for 5 days.  I like my current hours, it helps my anxiety.   The job was full time and they've offered 4 days instead,  so it's unlikely they'll drop to less.  I'm so fed up where I am but it's comfortable. 

I suppose I have to wait to see how the interview goes.  I may do appallingly and not get the job. So not point worrying about it.

Snookie, good luck for your interview today!  :hug: Sending you support for everything you're enduring at work and also for applying to new jobs. If it's ok for me to say so, I'll be there extending my hand, before and after the interview; whatever happens.  :hug:

It's been a tough day.

I've had a couple of cases, where I haven't necessarily done anything wrong, looking with the benefit of hindsight, I should have done something differently or dealt with them better. 

Then I have a case where I've been going around in circles, very frustrating.  I have no one I can refer my problem cases to either. 

Finally I'm  trying to make a claim on a really old case and I'm feeling my way as it's the first time that I've done this.

Feeling overwhelmed.  And inadequate. Things aren't perfect.  I feel exposed, that I may be trouble.   

Although I'm overwhelmed,  I'm not in melt down though...which is kind of positive.

I'm struggling with my back pain, that I've had for years.  My lower right ribs are really really sore. The pain is radiating right through to my abdomen.   I had an MRI scan at the beginning of the year and it showed degenerative changes (I'm getting old).  I need some injections, but the NHS is putting treatments like this on hold.

The rib and abdomen pain is getting worse. It's soooo sore. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, but I am.  I keep meaning to call my GP, but keep thinking they'll say I just have to put up with it, or that I'm overthinking it.  But I'm fed up of being in pain.

Better day at work today. Quieter and more productive.

Visited GP who said she thinks the pain is coming from my ribs.  She's prescribed alternative pain killers and and a antacid (as she thought ibuprofen may be irritating my stomach).  I'm having blood tests, an ultrasound and an Xray.  Very thorough.

I'm glad I went. The fact that I was in pain when she examined me justified going.  I some times think I'm just being feeble.

I was very fortunate, and I had a good festive break. In fact one my best Christmases. It was so nice and easy going. Such a contrast to previous years when my mum or daughter would cause so much friction.

Sadly, I had to work today, but at least I can work from home.  I discovered some cases that I didn't know about as they were under a code we don't usually use.  I'm not sure why these weren't on the correct code.  We inherited these cases in February and I have only just become aware of them. One is quite a large amount so I'm hoping that there are no adverse effects by me only just becoming aware of it.  The other 4 are overpaid, so there's no urgency to sort those. I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up..
But its hard.  I really need to work on my self esteem and perfectionism.

I feel very alone at work.  I've never been supervised.  I don't really have anyone I can bounce things off. Training is non existent.   I'm teaching myself and also trying to work out best practice too.  I feel very threatened if anything goes awry.   I have had problems for over a year and it never seems to get any better.

I found the afternoon hard as my husband is playing up.  I suspect he has some form of ADHD as well as OCD traits.  He can be quite stubborn and hard work at times.  And if you try and discuss how he's acting a barrier comes down.   I try to be patient with him as he cannot help how he is.  He has set patterns of behaviour.  But it's very hard as he's very childlike.   And he will not be as as accommodating with my anxiety or CPTSD.  It feels very much like a one way street. He can be very draining and anger provoking.

Just come here to lurk... and sulk. 

Finding it difficult at the moment.   All the usual stuff: lockdown, back pain, lack of support and training at work, working from my bedroom, being in close proximity to people but not seeing other people for months etc.  Finding the news and social media triggering, so trying to avoid that.   

Found out from blood tests I'm vitamin d3 and b9 deficient, so that doesn't help.

Having an early night with some easygoing TV. :zzz:

Hi Snookiebookie,

I hope you were able to get a better night's sleep.  I know you had an early night.

I was reading what you wrote about feeling very alone at work, and that you don't get training or supervision - that must be really hard. 

Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thanks for checking in Hope.

Yes I did get a good night's sleep thank you.

Not having a very good day. Not having a good time of it at the moment.

My back has been causing me pain for some time.  It's really caused me some problems recently. I had injections into the nerves of the spine on Friday. I've been resting up since. As a result I've not been able to go out for a walk for a week (I had to self isolate from Tuesday).   I feel very cooped up. Thankfully I've had a walk today.

I'm not sure I'm feeling much pain relief.  I'm sure a chest x-ray and abdominal scan later this week.

I woke up this morning feeling quite emotional and worried about work.  It turned out to be a horrible day. Lots of difficult queries from difficult people. I've don't really have anyone I can ask. It's left to me to try and find out the answer.  Not support.

They decided to recruit someone to deal with similar work on other bills. That person would have been quite high up, and would have become  my supervisor. But the person who they offered that job to, turned it down.

Even when they recruit someone, they'll probably not know how my job works.  So I'll have to teach them before they can help me.

Mid morning I had so much stuff and emotions running around my head. I literally felt dizzy with it - possibly a bit of dissociation.  I couldn't think for about 10 minutes.

I thought about speaking to my direct supervisor. But I had my appraisal last week and it was decided that we'd just have to hang in there until the new person starts and takes over as my supervisor.

I spent so much of the morning feeling frightened and crying.   I really shouldn't feel like this.  Then I felt that it was all my fault. Feel like I haven't dealt with any of this correctly. Then beat myself up and felt stupid. 

Oh, my head hurts. But sure if I'm making sense.

I've emailed my therapist for an appointment.  But now I'm worried she'll just judge me

Dear Snookie, thank you for sharing with us! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Great job on emailing your therapist even though you are worried about her reaction, that's a really self-caring thing you've done for yourself :) I think it is also a good way to get some support.

Work sounds like a real mixed bag with the new person coming in. I noticed you mentioned your worries over work so I wanted to quote this to you, I think it shows how capable you truly are despite the difficulties you have faced:

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on November 23, 2020, 01:36:37 PM
I feel like I've come in a pretty much come in with very little training or support.  I've reduced the outstanding debt, the age of the outstanding cases and got systems in place to keep things moving. I've solved so many of the difficult cases by myself.  I have pretty much trained myself the difficult bills although theres so much I'm still unsure of.

I have faith in you! I truly hope the new person is able to aid you with those questions and give you the support you need to keep doing wonderful work.

It sounds like your inner critic was a terror this morning! I also go through the awful cycle of feeling frightened/anxious, blaming myself/second guessing myself, then beating myself up for having a problem in the first place. I wish I had more words of wisdom, it must be a very hard situation to balance everything and I really feel for you. I hope that your therapist is able to offer you some support in lieu of your work and your husband. Sending a hug if that's okay with you  :bighug:

hey, snook,

just trying to catch up a bit.  so very sorry you're having such a rough time right now.  truly sucks. 

i've had chronic back pain for many years.  once, muscles farther up my back seized up because of the stress i was under to have surgery, and i went to the doc, asked for muscle relaxers.  he gave me nerve meds, too, but they didn't help one whit.  it was muscle pain i was feeling, not nerve pain.  perhaps you're experiencing something similar.  i hope you get some relief.

so much you're dealing with right now, i don't think it's surprising it's making you dizzy.  everything going on that you described is more than enough to knock you off balance.  hang tough, ok?  and, as one of our former members used to say, breathe.  just breathe.  you only have to get to the next minute, the next hour, the next day.  keep breathing, tho, ok?  much love and hugs full of relief :hug:

Hi San and Mojay

Thanks for your comments. It's so good to feel heard and understood.

I've had a better day since, so feel much better.

X

Just woke  from vivid bad dream.  More of an EF than anything but featured an old boss who really hurt and upset me.  Feeling pretty low now.

Not looking forward to work as am struggling.   Hating lockdown.  Feel like a pretty useless unlikeable piece of rubbish. (I kinda know that's my CPTSD talking, but I still feel yukky).

And I've not heard back from my therapist after emailing for an appointment this time last week. She doesn't usually take that long, and isn't the best at administration. I'm sure she doesn't mean to ignore me, but it just makes me feel she's not really interested.

 :hug:

Thanks San

I've got an appointment with my T on Wednesday.  Phew....I  think I need it.

I'm feeling a deep aloneness. 

I feel so very, very sad and a sense of hopelessness.   

Lockdown is isolating (even though I have my husband and daughter - I spare a thought for those who live alone).  No sense of purpose.   

 :hug: :hug:

It's been a while since I've written or logged in here.   It's been trying times, but I found some distraction in a enjoyable fantasy and daydream world.  I've not been so consumed in maladaptive daydream.  Whilst that's soothing it's quite jarring and a small shock when real life kicks in.

Work has caused me problems as I fall fowl of regulations that I wasn't aware of.  I did try discussing this with my head boss, who clearly had no idea either, only to be left to feel that I was overthinking the situation.  Now I have a couple of problem cases to sort, and there will be some fall out. Remember I've not had training, and my head boss was always reluctant to support me and cancelled our sessions twice. Emails to both my bosses this time last year were ignored - no reply whatsoever.

They have recently hired a new direct supervision, but she too doesn't have direct experience. So I need to explain everything to her. She is quite good though and we've started tackling problems that I've inherited.  It's just that I am deeply ashamed of the problems that are of my making, or occurred as I did not know otherwise.

I had to speak to my new supervisor this week about a problem.  She was supportive but also pointed out what went wrong and what should have happened (cue me feeling shame).  She knows that about my lack of support and training, and is impressed with what I achieve. She said she only hears positive things about me. She also said that I'm intelligent, conscious and never give up.

I explained to her about my anxiety and again she was supportive. She let me have her mobile number for if work overwhelms my anxiety. 

Since then I've not felt (physically) well, so I have taken a couple of days sick leave.  I'll be returning to work tomorrow and I'm now starting to ruminate.

Yesterday, I could not help but think of all the things I got wrong....not just in this job but every job. And then thinking of every time I got things wrong in my life.  My inner critic was running away with things.

I always feel that my mum, dad and brother just didn't even like me.  I don't have many friends either. I've previously posted how people don't take to me, they just aren't interested in me.  I am super awkward  when I meet people. 

Whilst ruminating I thought of boyfriends and relationships where I was treated badly.  People just seen to not care about how they make me feel.

At home, during lockdown I became close to me daughter. But in recent weeks that's become strained. She's started lashing out at me, and treating me with contempt, just in the same way as my mum did. My daughter has been feeling the strain of A levels, and peer pressure and social media. She's started with problems with food and possibly early stages of anorexia. When I've tried helping she's most definitely thrown everything at me. I've taken the brunt of her anger. Whilst I know this is a deflection tactic, it's another tirade of emotions and blame that I don't need to take. I'm intending on reaching out for support and advice on how to deal with it.

Then there's my husband, who seems more interested in everyone but me. He's addicted to Facebook and WhatsApp or chatting to his mates on the phone. He's even spoken to an old (female) school friend several times, for an hour or so each time. Meanwhile I'm upstairs watching my TV programmes as he was supposed to watching football.

This week I needed him to run errands and I felt unwell. He was so impatient and uncooperative, because he didn't want to do it.  I stayed calm, and he did the errands but he made it difficult.  I just don't need that kind of petulance.

When I was struggling with my anxiety after a bad day at work, he let me rant and kisses on the cheek and sheepishly walks off and then ignores me and pretends morning happened. I appreciate that I have complex issues, but .....

So yesterday I realised that I've spent most of my life feeling unhappy. And that I currently feel so unhappy. I'm craving a bit of peace and quiet and harmony.  I'm in emotional pain, and have been for quite some time. I'm sick of it and want it to end.

I think I need to change my job. Yes my new supervisor might help and things eventually be better. But there's a lot of pain and discomfort to go through. I think I've found it painful for 18 months or two years. I genuinely think in that time it's caused some emotional damage and added to my condition. I think that getting out world be better. I also think that I could do with a change in direction, something other than office work.  But my self esteem is non existent and jobs are thin on the ground due to the pandemic. Work is such a big trigger it'd be a big step if I could find something else that didn't cause me as much to ruminate about.

If you've read all of this, what is essentially a rant, then I thank you. 

I think I need to book an appointment, or two, with my therapist.

Feeling at a low ebb. The lowest for a while.

At work, I've had to teach myself as no training has been given. I've had very little support.  This last couple of weeks, I've realised that I've not understood the rules, despite seeking guidance from my manager and from the agency who runs the scheme.  I've now got some difficult cases to rectify because of this. 

Over the last few weeks I seem to have even more difficult cases to deal with too. And I had one day off leave and two days when I feel sick. So I had to crazy l catch up.

I have a new supervisor who had given me lots of one time tasks, mainly writing notes and flow charts. Initially she said that I didn't need to rush, but I got through the work when I got through it. Then she pinned me down to a deadline of the end of June. Now I feel overwhelmed.

So the above is why I'm triggered. Quite understandably.  My rational self understands why I'm triggered.  And probably would day that it's not all my fault. But my inner critic is having a field day! And perfectionism and shame is making it worse.

For the last week or so, my self hatred has been really high. I've ruminated and thought about all my other jobs when I've made mistakes, got things wrong or just didn't live up to my perfectionistic standards.  It's made me feel totally useless. A total liability. Like I'm a not a worthy human being. 

I've pretty much held a job since I was 18, so that's over 30 years.  I had a six months period of unemployment about 20 years ago. Then six months maternity leave 17 years ago. Since then I've work part time at 21 hours per week. 

At every job I've worked at, I've gotten to the fever pitch stage, for one reason or another.  Whether it's lack of support, lack of training, fear of my mistakes coming to light, but being happy at the management, being bullied/side lined/ignored...etc.  I always end up in a state of crisis.  And I end up leaving because of how I feel.

The above paragraph shows is two things. First, that the only constant is me.  That it is me.  It's because of how I am.  Effectively is my "fault", in that it is down to me being me. It's down to me reacting the way I react. It's down to how In see the world. And secondly, that means that whatever I do, whether I leave for another job, It's going to happen again. I'm only ever going to be me. So I'll act the same, react the same.  I'm doomed to find myself back in this situation again.

Feeling that I'm going to be constantly repeating the cycle at work feels very depressing.  That's made my rumination worse.  So when mistakes pop back into my head, the feel all the more painful - they may be in the past, but something similar is going to happen in the future.  It's all so depressing.

Hello Snookie, your last entry really resonates with me as I have just come to a similar realisation. There is a definite pattern to every job I've had, and your experience that at every job you always reach the fever pitch stage for one reason or another is exactly my experience too. I think with the realisation that the constant factor is us, also needs to come with a massive dose of compassion and self-care, because it is as a result of CPTSD. And somehow that understanding needs to be a first step in being kind to ourselves about this. Sending you a hug as well if okay with you.

Thank you Blue Rose,

Your reply and hug was appreciated.  I hear your comments about self compassion, but sadly I've always struggled with that. I think that's because I've not seen much compassion in my life, so find it hard to knows what it is.   I'm pretty good at self care, and practice that daily.

I need to do something, as I feel on the edge of breaking down.  I'm exhibiting physical symptoms, such as chronic muscle pain and I think I'm starting with "silent" migraines - a feeling of pressure and fuzziness in my head, flashing lights, nausea and malaise. I feel like I'm going insane (which means I'm probably not, if I'm rational enough to recognise how I'm feeling).

My logic and self esteem are non existent. I just want the ground to open up and swallow me.  See my utter self loathing!

I agree though, that we should accept that we are the way we are due to having CPTSD. It's an injury, that was inflicted on us.

Just some more feeling that have surfaced.

At work, I constantly feel like I'm not very good. But generally speaking, in life I always feel that way. I'm no good at anything. I have no talent, no skill. 

I can kinda paint. I can kinda draw. But not very very well. It's not amazing. There are loads of people who are better.

I'm not good at sports.  Being asthmatic means I don't have much stamina. When I've tried things such as yoga, I'm not the best.

I can't even drive. I can't sing (I love singing but it really sounds awful).  I'm not a people person.  I'm not outgoing, and I've often written that people don't tend to warm to me.

Whilst I could say I'm intelligent and articulate there are many that are better. My high school exams were good for my school, but I  soon realized that there were people with much better grades.  I have dropped out of every cider l cost course since then, because the perfectionism gets too much. 

I just feel like I'm no good at anything.  It overwhelms me.

I hear you snookiebookie :hug: :hug: "can't" used to be a big part of my life too. An accompanier. I don't remember now how I reduced it, but I have done so. 

Hey there Snookie. That's a tough way to feel. It sucks.

I will say, i've felt the same way, and often still do. But...a lot less than I used to. For me personally, one thing that made a huge difference, was what I learned from the book "mindset" by Carol Dweck, where she speaks about the difference between a growth mindset, and a fixed mindset. That knowledge did wonders in helping me deal with my perfectionism and imposter syndrome.
Maybe it could be of use to you, too.

Take care :)