Out of the Storm

New journal new phase:

I've been rough lately. I know I have not been on the forum much. I read sometimes but it's so hard to respond.  The truth is, I feel really alone.

I carry all these personas... even on the forum I find myself trying to pick people up, brush them off, it's the same at work. I pick up my students brush them off and am their rock.  But where is my rock? Only my T and the forum know the real me... and the thing is... even this forum doesn't know my real name, and if something awful was to happen to me... I could still probably fade away without much notice.

What it comes down to is that I'm tired. I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of the slow movement of any type of progress and then a flashback knocks me off my feet again.

I've messaged my T every day since my session last Wednesday.  I hate me. I hate how needy that is.  I reached out to several friends and it was hours later when I heard back if I heard back at all.

Yeah,
So I'm stuttering and I'm scared I'm gonna disappear.   :Idunno:

Deep Blue,

My heart hurts that you are feeling so alone and sad. I understand the feeling of being tired of the struggle, of the slow progress. I understand needing my T so much and hating being so needy. You are important, Deep Blue. I hear you.

I feel like I'm in the same pattern as you've described, Deep Blue. Pattern? It's more like my norm, including the "hate myself" piece. I do plenty of positive self-talk, but the core reacts as if no, I really don't deserve the good stuff, do I? I'm  very tired with that endless struggle, but seem stifled when I try to get past it.

Instead of sinking further, I better stop but leave you with this heartfelt message: You are important, and have been missed.   :hug: 

i'm deeply sorry for your struggle, db.  i know it all too well.  lonely and needy - i know those feelings, too.  we're so strong and independent in our jobs, yet, can't always feel that for ourselves.  i get it. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ angel wings to wrap you up, comfort you, and let you know you're not alone, that you are loved and cared about.  in any way we can, we're here for you. :grouphug:

 :grouphug: for you Deep Blue.

I sympathize and feel for you Deep Blue.  Sending love.   :grouphug:

 :hug:
I am sorry that you are struggling so much these days. I hope that you will find some light soon, or manage to unburden some of that what you are carrying around.

Loneliness is such a terrible thing to carry around with you. It's so painful.


I've been thinking of you.  :hug:

Hi Deep Blue,
I am also thinking of you, and I want to send you a heartfelt hug, if that's ok  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Notalone,
Thanks, i do feel supported by you and I always appreciate reading what you write.

Woodsgnome,
I always admire the way you are able to craft your words in such an honest and loving way.  Thanks for being you.

San,
Thanks for the angel wings.. I'm gonna snuggle with them tonight too.  I need them after my day today  :stars:

Blueberry and snookiebookie,
Thanks for the hugs. 

Hope,
I will always always accept hugs from you.  I have always felt your kindness in this forum and my experience tells me you are a kind spirit with a heart is gold.

Sceal,
I've missed you... I wish I had more to give or say...  :hug: cuz words are failing me.
———————————————-
Heck of a Monday today: tough things that I faced today in order.
1. My student showed up to my room with brand new marks from SH.  It hurts me to see her like that.

2. My friend had to report child abuse today... then they asked me (because of my middle eastern heritage) about it.  It hurt to hear about it

3. While she spoke about the abuse my brain decided to give me a flashback.  I had body memories that hurt my lower back during and after the flashback of PA.

4. My student is being removed from school and will be hospitalized again.  She was hospitalized last year... and looks like she will be again.  It hurt me to hug her goodbye not knowing if I'll see her tomorrow.

5. My friend is visiting from across the country but I had not heard from her.  She texted me saying that we may not see each other this visit.  Family issues... her sister (also my friend) overdosed last night.  I was counting on seeing her to get that breath of fresh air... but now I feel even more alone and vulnerable. 

So there you go... everything hurts.  I'm hurting and I don't know where to turn anymore.  I'm lost, I'm down, and I'm scared...

I even feel guilty leaving this here cuz it's so depressing...  :Idunno:

Oof. I'm sorry all of that happened, particularly in a single day. Sending you hugs and support if that's ok. :hug:

Dear Deep Blue,
You have so much to deal with at the moment, and it doesn't seem fair that so much is on your shoulders, and I hope that you can get help with things, and feel lighter, and also that you get some sense of peace, and whatever feeling would help you at this time - I really wish you the best - you are such a lovely person, and I wish I could say or do something that would help - sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Snowdrop,
Thanks for the hugs and support.

Hope,
Just reading what you wrote does help.  Thanks for the support.  It really does mean a lot.
————————————————-
Better day today on most fronts.

I think i am coming to a conclusion about exposure therapy.  I feel so needy when we do it... like I'm gonna fall apart at any moment.  Maybe I should talk to my T and possibly schedule an extra appointment on weeks we are doing exposure.  I'm having trouble getting my composure back each time so maybe that will help?!

That sounds like a good way to care for yourself.

Today was really good,
I didn't go to work today. Instead I played sports for self care and hung out with a friend from out of town.

I didn't know how much I needed it till now.  It's so good to feel more human.

Love to you all  :grouphug:

Friday! I'm so glad this week is over.

I'm counting down the days till we are finished for the semester... 10 work days and counting.

I was mean to my T yesterday.  I felt bad about it today.  I messaged her to apologize.  I apologized for being mean and needy.  Then I said... "forgive me?"

She replied that she didn't think I was mean... she just saw me as scared.  Why does that hurt my heart to hear?

I did some of the homework she gave (even though I told her I was not gonna do it). So I drew out a couple pics this week... both stick figures depicting some of my abuse. 

Deep breath... I already threw out 1 drawing... hope I sleep tonight.

Deep Blue,

I drew a picture of an object in my last therapy session. I know that a drawing on paper can be difficult and bring lots of feelings. I hope you sleep well tonight. 

well done for drawing those pics - putting images on paper, like notalone said, can bring up a lot of feelings that just talking or writing about doesn't.  seeing an image is much more difficult to deny or distract from. 

mean and needy?  well, we are very needy at times, and i don't think there's anything 'wrong' about that, nothing that warrants an apology. (my opinion only)  we're talking c-ptsd here, the mother of all beasts.  our needs are great, and especially during times of stress, greater than usual.  i think neediness comes with the territory. 

do you think your heart hurts at the idea that fear was underlying your perception of being mean?  i also think that sometimes definitions of self-care or holding boundaries has been defined for us in neg. terms.  for ex., when we want something for ourselves, we're often labeled selfish.  or, when we take a break from life's struggles, we're labeled lazy.  maybe you really were mean, as in nasty, or maybe you were defending yourself from something that frightened you.  it sounds like your t knows the difference.

you're working hard at this stuff, and i hope you're able to give yourself credit for that.  i do.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity. :hug:

Thanks San!
That example you wrote really rings true for me.  That labeling of lazy and selfish and for that matter too sensitive.

Not alone,
Are you able to draw very well? My drawings were primitive looking and stick figure kind, but got the point across.  Crazy that it still knocked me down as much as it did... I mean it's just stick figures!  :stars:

Thanks for the support, it's the risk of sounding needy... it was needed

No, I can't draw well. It was a five year old part who drew the picture, but it wouldn't have looked much different if adult me drew it. Not at all crazy that your picture "knocked you down." Just like last week, I was not able to tear my picture up, after all, it's just paper. But it isn't just paper or just stick figures. It represents so much more.

We are all needy in different ways and to different degrees in our lives. It's part of being human. What we've survived increases our need for support and care. It is okay to have needs.
:hug:

Went to therapy today... felt really irritable before going in...

Then anxiety... so much anxiety today...

Tonight sadness, lots of sadness. 

The thing is... I have no idea why. Why do my emotions change like this? Why am I sad now? 

that's the question for the ages, i think.  why do we feel any of this stuff that doesn't always seem logical or w/o a rational reason?  part of the beast, i think.  our minds at work, doing their best to stay sane. 

this, too, shall pass, right?  hang tough, my dear.  we're here with you.  sending love and hugs filled w/ care and support :grouphug:

 :hug:

Breakthrough!!!!

Was feeling rough lately.  My mom got in a car accident on Monday and yesterday they had to restart my dad's heart.  They are both ok. 

I've been a mess. I realized that the reason is because it's my classic trigger.  I'm not in control. I can't control is another driver does a hit and run with my mom or that my dad has heart problems. 

Good news is they are ok

Hi Deep Blue,
Glad to hear your parents are ok, and I hope that you are ok as well.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Good to hear that they are both okay!
Also good to hear that you got a breakthrough!  :cheer: Proud of you!

I'm glad your parents are both OK. :hug:

Oh sweet Hope,
I will never ever turn down a hug from you.   :hug: to you too.

Thanks snowdrop!

I don't know why... but I feel like I'm in a new phase of CPTSD.  I Never used to have so many flashbacks.  I'm getting them more and more often lately. I'm not sure what that means either? I used to get more EF but these are real flashbacks.  Sometimes while I dream at night but quite a lot are during the day.  Quick clips of PA mostly.  Sometimes they are paired with a body memory but I find them so so disorienting. 

Where did they come from? Why are there so many? I'm wondering what I am doing or not doing that makes them keeping propping up their ugly heads? I wonder if I've been shoving them down lately? Does that have an effect?  I dunno  :Idunno:

I think that you are in a phase where you are trying to reconciliate with what happened. Come to terms with it.
It's a long process, and it has alot of up and downs. From what you describe it sounds as if you're caught up in a storm, It sounds like it was for me last year. But it did clear up. I have less flashbacks now. It's really painful though, what you're going through right now.
And I hope you're able to hold on to something or someone sane while you go through this "#%-phase.

Sceal,
You never fail to make me feel better and give me hope. 

What you said makes sense.  I wish it wasn't a long process but at least I know it won't be in this phase forever  :hug:

hey, db,

i think it's a process thing, too.  ef's are more abstract, while flashbacks are less so.  i would guess that you have processed enough that your mind is now able to visualize what had been happening rather than just disrupting your emotions about it.  i think it's a good sign, albeit tough to deal with.  i'm not trying to play that down at all.  i just think that on one level it's a positive thing.

you'll get thru it.  your strength and determination are what brought you to this new phase, and they'll get you going onto the next one.  sending much love and a hug filled w/ conscious clarity. :hug:

 :hug:

Well today has been a busy day and more business to come.

I feel lots of guilt lately.... ******* trigger warning***** SH


I've been self harming a lot lately.  One form of my self harm is burning myself with heating pads.  I cover my stomach with them and sleep with them on at night.  It began because I have stomach problems and it eased the pain while I was trying to sleep.  Then I started to keep them on even when I felt my skin burning. It was after months of doing this, that I realized it was another form of self harm.

****** end trigger warning

So yeah, I've been having so many visual flashbacks lately that I feel like I need the control back... a typical trigger.

I asked my T what I was doing wrong. Why am I getting so many of them lately.

She said " I don't know why they are coming either but I do know that CPTSD reaches a point where a persons defense mechanisms no longer work. You no longer have control to push them away".

So yeah... plus it's the holidays. I feel like I'm not making much sense right now so I will try to come back later

Dear Deep Blue,
Firstly, well done for getting through today - as you mentioned it has been a busy day.  I really hope you are able to get through it ok - and I just wanted to offer you a supportive hug  :hug: and tell you that I'm thinking of you.

The holidays are a stressful time - be kind to yourself, if you can. 
Hope  :)

thanks for sharing something that is uncomfortable.  just want to let you know i'm sending love and a hug full of compassion and support.  this stuff is terribly difficult to get thru, especially when there's a pile of it at once. 

Deep Blue,

Sorry you are having flashbacks. They are awful. I don't think we can control flashbacks coming. Sending you care.  :hug:

Doing much better today... I hit a trigger a couple days ago and was sorta out of it for a day or so.

I'm trying to change some of my triggers. One of them is the 12 days of Christmas song... so I taught it to my son.  Another is hockey sticks, so I bought him a hockey stick.

In the past baby powder was a trigger so I used baby powder scented lotion on my son.  So yeah... I'm trying to mesh my son (my whole reason) with some of the triggers... it is my hope that love will conquer them.

i so admire those steps you're taking db.  what a creative way to go thru the fear and turn it into something positive in your life.  wow!  brilliant! 

love and hugs, dear db. :hug:

Hey Deep Blue

That's fantastic progress.  It's great that you're reclaiming and redefining the significance of these items. You're also minimizing the hold that the past and trauma has on you and your thoughts. Great work x

Thanks San!
I hope it works, thanks for words of affirmation.

Snookiebookie,
I really do believe that all that is good in this world starts with love.

db, i echo your sentiment exactly.  love to you! :hug:

That's it, I'm done.

I'm done trying to fight the urges, the doubt... just done.

Happy new year.. I'm beginning it with bad choices

Deep Blue,
Please don't hurt yourself. I know it is really hard. I care about you.

Words can't always convey one's deepest feelings. While I wish there was a better way -- I will do what I can, and join my words to those of the others who've posted here -- we care deeply about you, value you as a wonderful person, and hold you in our thoughts even as we tremble from knowing the depths of these feelings.

We only seem distant, because in our hearts we are here, with you.  :hug:

 :yeahthat:

couldn't have said it better.  love and a caring hug, db. :hug:

Sending hugs db
:hug: :hug: :hug:

Sending you love and hugs of support. :hug:

Not alone,
How did you know? Your words helped me put the breaks on.  Thanks.

Woods gnome,
Thanks... words also can't express how much I needed that. 

I think I'm through the worst of it, I feel like like the fog has lifted just enough to let me see the inner critic was trying to push me to do something I couldn't take back.

 :hug:

Deep Blue,
I'm glad that you "put the brakes on" and that my words were helpful. Also that the fog has lifted some. Still here. Still care about you.  :hug:

Back to work tomorrow.  It's been 2 weeks off and it was very needed.

I'm feeling lots of anxiety about work tomorrow.  I've never been less ready to teach a course than I am about the one I start tomorrow.  It's foreign to me because it's an online shell that I need to create a webpage from.  It's nothing I've ever done before and I'm hoping I don't blow it.

Deep breaths right? What do they say? Even if you fall flat on your face at least you are moving forward?

I hope it goes well at work, Deep Blue. :hug:

Sending you positive vibes

I always hate returning to work after a break. I totally relate to how you're feeling.   I hope that your day goes well  :hug:

 :hug:

Feeling my feet under me again,
I think I'm starting to learn the rhythm of the new class I'm teaching.  I'm teaching 3 classes and never the same back to back so my days are hectic to say the least.  Good news is, I'm learning.

Trigger warning* for SI*****




Felt really low, like really really low over the holidays.  Had lots of SI and was was doing lots of SH. 

End Trigger warning ***

I'm feeling better though. Gonna get back into some exposure this week. I am apprehensive but deep down I know that  if I ever want to be rid of some of my triggers I need to do this.

Deep blue,

Sounds like things are hard going, but that you're fighting the fight.  Well done you. Life can be tough and you're trying so hard to deal with it.

Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself plenty of self care. Sending you support and hugs  :hug:

your warrior spirit is showing!  keep the faith, my dear.  you'll be able to do it.  love and hugs :hug:

I'm hurting tonight.  Good news is, I see my T tomorrow.

Trigger warning *** talk of my abuse***


I did a tiny bit of exposure yesterday.  I laid my cheek on the carpet and looked under the bed.  It was a position where I was left, tied ankles to wrists, gag in my mouth.  Left there sometimes up to an hour.

****** end trigger warning****

So I was ok during the exposure.  Just did it for a min or so.  Then I stood up and took a couple steps BAM! Flashback!!! 

I still thought I was ok. I walked downstairs and texted my t that I did it.  Then, boom! Panic attack!!! Took me about 15 minutes to get my composure back.

Today I hate myself. I want to SH. I have not. The sadness hurts in my chest. 

Sometimes the roller coaster is just too much

Deep Blue, I have tears in my eyes and wish I could gather you in my arms and comfort you. I am glad you did not SH. You are worthy of care and tenderness.

That sounds really tough. I'm glad you didn't SH. I hope it goes well with your T. :hug:

glad you resisted the sh, db.  this stuff is so rough - that sadness sounds profound.  possibly it's for yourself.  i know i'm sad for you that you had to go thru that kind of thing.  it's heartbreaking. 

love you, my dear.  keep fighting the good fight - it will get easier.  and, i agree, you are so deserving of care and tenderness.  i'm so mad at your abuser :pissed: i could just spit!  sending love and a hug filled w/ comfort and peace. :hug:

Not alone,
Thanks for the gentle words.  I ended up giving in and doing a bit of SH anyway.  But I didn't last night. So baby steps i guess.

Snowdrop,
Went ok with my t yesterday.  I'm ok. Well ok enough  :Idunno:

San,
Thanks for being angry for me. Maybe I'll get there one day.  I think so many of us on the forum will relate to this... we didn't see our abuse as abuse at the time.  It was just our reality.  My t and I looked more into the fawn response yesterday too.  Some of it holds really true.

Love and hugs to you all

baby steps count - we don't have to do leaps and bounds for it to be real progress.  doesn't have to be all or nothing - there is so much gray to life and it takes us a while to figure that out - we've too often had to live at the extremes.  but, isn't that just surviving?

keep going, my dear.  love and hugs filled w/ support and practice living away from the extremes! :hug: :hug:

I love that San! Away from the extremes! Just love it!

Tough day with triggers today.  Feeling down and like I want to SH tonight.  I know better, my t has taught me better, so I'm gonna fight it as best I can.

Gnight all

 :hug:

hope you made it thru the day ok today.  hang tough, db.  sometimes that's all we can do, but sometimes that's really a lot!  love and hugs :hug:

I know it's been really tough for you recently, Deep Blue. So a little belatedly  :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

Thanks blueberry,
The hug is very needed.

I'm having a terrible day! Too much trauma being brought up, controversy over a suicide where I teach, I'm in the middle... I want to just walk out.

I'm going to make bad decisions tonight and I don't even care

I'm sorry it's so tough, Deep Blue. Please take care of yourself. :hug: :hug:

Dear Deep Blue,
I am very sorry that you're experiencing all of this - and I wish there was something I could do - sending you a gentle hug, if it is helpful - and I want you to know that I care about you.  I hope that's not too much.  You have so much going on at the moment, it sounds really tough.  Stay safe and please take care.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Sorry it is so awful right now. I care. You deserve care and comfort.

Notalone, Hope, snowdrop,
Thanks.

I'm still not in a good place.  I did exactly what I said I would do the other night.

**** TW alcohol consumption*****



I got really drunk Friday night.  Like blackout drunk.  I didn't think it would solve my problems but I just wanted to get away from them for a night.  Surprise surprise it didn't work.  I felt terrible all day yesterday and upset a friend I care about.

******** end trigger warning *****

So I was trying to start my day better today.  My poor kid was sick yesterday.... today we took him to minute clinic and found out he has influenza B. So frustrating cuz we all got flu shots.

I feel like the universe is punishing my kid of the bad decisions I made on Friday night.  He's so sick and my heart hurts for him... 104 fever at one point. 

I feel like a failure all around. As a parent, a wife, a friend.  :Idunno:

Deep Blue,
Sorry your son is sick. He is NOT being punished because you got drunk. He is sick because of germs. I hope he feels better soon.

Understand wanting a break from the pain.  :hug:

Dear Deep Blue,

I cringed on reading what you wrote: "I feel like a failure all around..." Hurt, yes, and very understandable. This brings on pain and it can be hard to contain what comes when that adds to the mix of rawness already present.

I don't see failure in reacting to that. I see someone reaching for something/anything/someone to make it all feel better.

I don't have the elixir to make it all disappear but I am afforded the chance to share a huge and exclusive  :bighug: for you. 

i'm with everyone else here - it all sounds terrible, but you didn't fail anyone, and no one's getting punished for your actions.  flu is a horrible illness, but not a punishment.  i'm just sorry you're going thru everything - you did what you needed to do to get a break.  been there, done that.  it helps for a little while, i get it. 

hope everything at school gets straightened out - being in the helping professions myself, i understand the stress of what you're going thru.  i'd probably want to do something negative, too.  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and nurturing for both you and your son. :hug: :hug:

Thanks you guys.

Notalone,
My son is feeling much better today. He is bubbly with no fever! Yay! Tamiflu for the win.  Thanks for reminding me that I can't help it when he gets sick. I hate things out of my control and my son being ill is outside that area.

Woodsgnome,
Thanks for your hug and your words are always like a soothing balm for me.  I can't thank you enough  :hug:

San,
Thanks for all you are.  I went to see my t today.  She helped me kinda come out of this funk.

Love u all

so glad both your son and you are feeling better - that's a big win!

great that seeing your t helped you.  those funks can be really obnoxious, so any movement out of them is a plus.

love you,  sending a hug full of continued health and well-being. :hug:

I was glad to sleep in today instead of going to work: but my day has been busier than expected. I am staying home to take care of my son cuz he has flu but it has not been a relaxing day!!!

Got up with him but he wasn't hungry this morning.  Gave him his meds, which he promptly spit back out all over himself. Ahhh! So I clean that up and change him.  He eats nibbles for breakfast but around 10 says he's tired.

I put him down for a nap. I'm doing 4 loads of laundry. 1 of mine, 1 of my husband's and 2 of my kid's trying to sanitize.

The nap was only 8 minutes and he came down crying saying he can't sleep because his nose hurts.  Then the proceeds to throw up on the couch (even though there was a bucket inches from him)

Ugh, so I dump him in the tub and am moving laundry up and down stairs.  He's enjoying his bath for about 20 min.  He's almost 6 so I don't need to eyeball him when he's in the tub.  Then he yells he needs me.  I go upstairs and he pooped in the tub!!!!!! Come on!!!!!!!

So I moved him to shower and cleaned and bleached the tub.  Ugh.  I can't believe he did that! Then I'm grossed out while trying to clean it so I start throwing up. 

I'm so tired... I just want my husband to come home tonight and to get to bed early.

Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh

Dear Deep Blue,
I am so sorry that you've had all these things to cope with today - it sounds really hard, and you must be exhausted.  I hope your husband will be home soon, and that you can hopefully have some much needed sleep. You deserve that sleep - and I hope you can rest soon.
Take care,  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug: :hug:

o my heart and soul - what a day!  i hope you get rest soon, that hubby gets there to help you out.  wow!  love and hugs, db. :hug:

Wow! 3.4 miles just walking up and down stairs doing laundry and taking care of my son today.

Thanks for the love you guys. My husband got home about an hour ago and it is making my life so much easier.

I took a shower and washed the crazy day down the drain.

It's gonna be ok.   :hug:

Deep Blue: ..."It's gonna be ok."  :cheer: So relieved to have read that.  :hug:

Oh Deep Blue, I'm so sorry to hear your son has been so ill.  :hug: Yes, everything will be okay - I hope you can get some much needed rest.  :hug:

 :hug:

I'm in a play right now.  I tried to quit it 4 times!

Each year I am in a play fo raise money for a local charity.  The other performers are current and retired teachers.  I have done this for a number of years.  This will be my 8th one! I usually look forward to them each year but this year is a mess. I'm too busy and I tried to tell the director several times I don't have the time for it.

Unfortunately, as someone with CPTSD I struggle with anyone getting mad at me. I think it's my fawn response... so yeah now I'm stuck doing the tempest and I hate every second of it.

Oh well, love ya all... maybe it won't be as bad as I think??? Ha ha hope so

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

it takes practice allowing people their own anger.  we haven't had the best track records w/ people being angry w/ us.  i get it.

break a leg!  sending love and a hug filled w/ hope that it's not as bad as you're anticipating. :hug:

Setting boundaries to people who expect stuff from us is so hard. Especially if you feel like you owe them stuff, or if they get angry or use the card "but you have done it before"/"it used to be okay before".

I'm angry at your director for not listening!

I hope you manage to pull through okay.

Thanks for being angry for me Sceal!

First time I told him I couldn't do it this year because Of the 2 new classes I was teaching... he replied, " yeah it will be fine I'll get you a script"

The next time i said I have too many other commitments and don't have time for it... he replied, "yeah it's fine, I'll give you a small role"

The 3rd time I said I don't want to do the play this year... he replied, "you will be playing the role of boatswain"

In my last attempt I just said I can't! I don't even have time for rehearsals! He replied, that's fine, you don't have to come except the week of the play.  :doh:

So yeah.... boundaries are so hard!!!!
:Idunno: :blink:

wow - that sounds rough.  poo on that guy!!!  sometimes, the only thing we can do is say 'no, i'm not going to do it' and walk, don't show up for rehearsals, don't show up for the play.  people like that who are totally disrespectful will always find a  way around our reasons.  it's a tough lesson to learn, (took me more years than i can count) an even tougher action to accomplish.  let the understudy do it - you're not responsible for this play.

i know that's easier said than done, especially when anger is a threat.  hopefully, this is a step closer to not having to do it next time.  all those steps count. 

i'm w/ sceal.  i once heard the phrase - if you need something done, ask a busy person to do it.  i hate the concept behind that.  love you, db.   :hug:

San,
We are not a professional acting troupe... no understudies here.  The people I would be letting down are my fellow educators and not the pushy director anyway.

So yeah, it's just a week. I can do it.  Hopefully we will have a better script next year.

well . . . just sorry you got stuck doing something you don't want to do.  that sucks.  better luck next year.   :hug:

Oh no!!!!! My son was complaining about his arm itching and hurting.  Big rash!

I have a cousin who is a pediatrician so I took a pic and sent it to her. She is worried it is the early signs of impetigo.

Please let me get lucky here... please let it be smaller tomorrow!!!  :stars: :'(

holy crapola!  fingers crossed and prayers flying!  for sure!  love and hugs to you both! :hug: :hug:

Fingers crossed that it will be ok

Thanks for the good vibes,
My son's rash is looking much better today. We need to keep an eye on it but it has not spread so that's a good thing.

Loooong loooong day. Tomorrow will be even longer.  We have press preview tomorrow night and I'll prob be at the school from about 7:15am to about 9:30 pm.  Then! It's back to work Friday teaching too.

3 more days left of this play... counting them down.

Deep breaths

deep breaths, indeed!  and so glad to hear that your son's rash is better!  yay!

break a leg, and hope these next 3 days whiz by, and you'll be done with it.  love and hugs, db. :hug:

You are incredible!
You're got so much going on, and yet you refuse to give up. Super impressive. Just want to let you know that.

I'm cheering you on.  :cheer:

You can always escape to the cabin with me.

Thanks San,
Very happy we seem to be going in the right direction with the rash.

My sweet sceal,
I adore you. Thanks  :hug:

Good thing I just happen to adore you too then 😘 :hug:

Survived the play,
Saw my t this week.

I had a flashback yesterday but was happy that it stopped before the pa got bad.  I felt lucky when it happened.

Then someone today brought up one of my abusers in conversation. 

So yeah... every time I stop moving it's like the EF is right there.  I feel like I need to keep moving to get away from it... worried about sleeping tonight

i hope you sleep soundly, nothing bothersome interrupting you, db.  i hate it when i get blindsided by a word thrown out there.  it knocks me off balance, too.  i'm moving right along w/ you - lots of netflix for me.  sending a hug full of love and rest from all this. :hug:

 :stars: :stars:
It's been less than a month and my son is sick again!!!! He had influenza B and today he tested positive for influenza A.

He got a flu shot!!!!!!

I hate this!!!!

healing hugs to him and caring, supportive hugs to you, db. :grouphug:  how horrible!  poor little guy!

i hate this along with you!  sending love and a hug filled w/ positive, flu-fighting energy! :hug:

Hi Deep Blue,
Really sorry to hear your son is sick again, and I want to send you a supportive hug to you  :hug: and hope that he gets well again very soon. 
Hope  :)

Oh no! I hope he feels better soon. :hug:

Sending some good thoughts your and your son's way

Happy Birthday to my son. He turned 6 today... poor kid has influenza A on his birthday.  No school, no friends, no cake and ice cream ☹️

I almost lost it today when he threw up the 3rd time from medicine.  He has such a sensitive gag reflex and I'm tired of getting meds spattered on me.

I had a moment where I just wanted to run out of the house and let someone else clean it up.  Then I immediately felt guilty because I know he can't help it.

I know it's my classic trigger, I hate things outside my control.  My son's health falls into that category and i find myself struggling whenever he is sick.  The problem is, he is a kid... kids get sick. 

I wish I was stronger, I wish I could take a deep breath and just be his mom.  The truth is, I just need a little help but my husband is switching jobs next week and no one else wants to be around the germs.  So I'm taking another day off work tomorrow to stay with my son.

I just wish there was a magic wand... I would make my son feel better. I would make myself stronger. I would erase my trauma.  Oh well... wishful thinking I guess  :Idunno:

Goodnight all

 :grouphug:  much love and many hugs to you both.

i wish that magic wand was real, too.  that would be the best. :grouphug:

Deep Blue, wish you and your son a good night's rest.  :hug:

Son is finally better.

I'm fighting an ear infection I'm pretty sure.

Therapy was terrifying this week... I go back Tuesday.  I'm having to continually text my t though... I'm trying not to give in to the temptation to self destruct.

Yeah... feeling down and alone....

My husband starts a new job tomorrow.  We were talking and he wanted to play sports at 7pm tonight.  I said he wasn't gonna do that before his first day was he???

He was a bit snarky. He said, "I don't get nervous about stuff like you do" I'm excited.

I'm trying to let it go.... but it stung a little

yeah, that would sting for sure!  no reason to respond like that to you.

here's some extra strength against self-harming or destructing.   :bighug:  do whatever else you need to do to hang tough, ok?

here with you, holding your hand.  you've got someone by your side. love and hugs, my dear db. :hug:

Deep Blue,
Sending lots of care to you.  :grouphug:

And now I'm down for the count!!!

Fever, aches, pains, fatigue the works.  I think it's influenza A. 

I went to work but came back home after 3rd period. I HAVE to go to work tomorrow. I'm head proctor for the ACT. I'm going to try to sleep all day today and rally for work tomorrow. I've missed 4 days already this year because my son had influenza A and B. 

Sorry to whine here but I feel terrible

Oh no, sounds awful! I hope you're able to get lots of rest, and you feel better tomorrow. :hug:

Oh Deep Blue. So sorry. Hope you feel better soon.

Hey Blue,
I hope you are feeling a little better. That the fever has gone down atleast. It's almost week-end, I hope you can hold on until then and that you can get some much needed sleep and rest over the week-end atleast.

Thinking of you.

Feeling much much better today "physical health" wise.

The fever is gone and my body is recuperating nicely.

My mental health... ha ha that's a whole different story.  I'll write on the therapy portion but let's just say therapy is terrifying.

 :grouphug:

Hi Deep Blue,
Glad you're feeling better physically.  Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

I have a couple week break from therapy and it feels good.

:yes:

Having breaks from heavy work in therapy can be quite a relief sometimes! It's good to hear that you are feeling good about the break!

Was taking a break but the Coronavirus is turning my world upside down.

School is closed. Teachers have to go in on Monday to make online platforms for our classes. They wanted those to be done on Friday but then took time away from us from doing it for a staff meeting instead. 

My classic trigger is not doing well. I can't control this.  Deep breaths...

I started emdr... first part is that trigger. I can only control what I can, 

I can't take a full breath

I don't know what to say but I hear you.  :hug:

Thanks blueberry,
I'm feeling low on words myself too

i think we're all a little low on words.  i'm with you.  love and hugs :hug:

Sending hugs Deep Blue :hug:

We are in chaoric times at the moment,  which is triggering everyone.  Add to that the massive changes that are being imposed on you at short notice, then it is no wonder your feeling a little  lost and low on words.

You did say some wise words though: I can only control what I can.

Sending you hope and strength.   

 :grouphug: Thinking of you and breathing in 1... 2...3, breathing out 1...2...3.

My world has been turned upside down.

My school is closed. I didn't realize that Friday was the last time I'd see my students for a long time.

Restaurants are closed, can't go get a cup of coffee with a friend. My son is home with me.  I am stuck doing online platforms and feel lost.

I hate not being in control of things.  I'm desperately trying to tell myself that just because I'm not in control does not mean that I am out of control.  Problem is... the desperation tells me otherwise.

It's too cold to get outside for a walk. Fitness clubs are closed, and everyone is quarantining.

I know it's hard for everyone right now.  But I feel alone and not in control of my life.  I need a distraction and then am seeing my healthy ones be removed one after another.

Being lonely, feeling not in control, starting emdr... it's no wonder I'm having the nightmares every night.   :Idunno:

 :bighug:

it's definitely a rough time, so sorry for how this is affecting you.  keep taking care as best you can, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

 :grouphug:

****Trigger warning for PA and emotional abuse ***


Ugh, 4 nightmares last night. Same one over and over.

It is the flashback dream of me being tied up wrists to ankles  and left there as punishment.  I hate it!!! I wish I could turn it off.

***** end trigger warning******

It makes me feel worthless, like I don't have control, it makes me feel alone... so so lonely.

Just saw my t yesterday and then back today.  Back again on Thursday but I'm so scared. What if the office closes? What if I have to do online therapy? My world feels like it's crumbling

All I can say is  :hug:

Day by day,
Trying to deal with this new reality.

Sometimes it's been hour to hour or even minute by minute.  The weather has still been trashy too... no luck getting outside for more than 10 min.

Back during the worst of my abuse, my abusers disconnected me from everyone  else in my life. They turned me against friends and family.  So I was alone... then came the SI... my abusers toyed with me. When they took away their "love" I felt I had nothing more to live for.

Now that my abuse is behind me, All the personality tests I take say that I am outgoing. I have this need to be around people. Being around others is so much better than being in the chaos of my own mind.  Now I'm forced to stay away from friends, family... only contact with people is really on the phone.  I can't help but feel so alone during all this. 

I'm being forced to deny one of the best coping methods I have. No sports, no friends, now what??!  How do I stop that anxiety coming in? How do I avoid the oppressive sadness?

Please care for each other and be safe during this time.   :Idunno:

Deep Blue,
I wish I had some comforting words. I hear how incredibly difficult it is to feel alone; difficult in any situation, but times 100 in the aloneness connection to abuse. I care.  :hug:

Thanks for getting it not alone.

Hugs and love  :hug:

Now I understand your pain and fear more deeply too, Deep Blue.  :hug:  :hug:

hey, db,

this situation is bad enough on its own - couple it with abuse nightmares and experiences, it can only be much, much worse.  taking away our coping mechanisms, leaving us out in the cold, so to speak, no way to escape - yeah, reminiscent of exactly what you described.

sending you heartfelt love and a hug filled with comfort and care - as much as possible in this virtual world.   :hug:

My meds have been upped. Hope it starts working sooner rather than later.  Usually about 4-6 weeks with this stuff.

Still having anxiety attacks... My classic triggers seem to have more of an edge these days.  It takes less and less to set me off.

So many flashbacks! It's strange too.  I guess it's the stress of all this but I am getting knocked down by flashbacks a few times a day now!

Today it was looking at a hidden pictures with my son (a drawing of a belt) that's all it took and in came the flashback.  Another as I took my meds, another just from seeing a name... ugh...

Hoping to level out soon

sorry you're having such a rough time with everything, my dear.  sending love and a hug filled with care and support.  i hate triggers!

Hey Blue,
I am sorry to read that you're having such a rough time. *gentle hug* (if ok?). I hope that the increased medication will start to work for you soon, so that you can catch a break.
Do you still see your therapist regularly? Perhaps some of the therapy work you are doing is too intense at the moment, perhaps you can ask if you can slow down on the content a little, perhaps talk about less triggering thing until your mind and body has caught up?

San,
Yep, triggers are no fun.  Problem is that one of my triggers is loss I'd control and that is basically what a flashback is!  :doh:

Sceal,
Of course a hug from you is always nice. Yes I am seeing my t regularly.  We are not working on anything new right now.  We are just working on getting me through this lockdown and covid 19 pandemic.  It's hard for everyone, that is for sure.  It seems that with my CPTSD I'm struggling quite a bit with it.

so, a double whammy - a trigger is a flashback.  that sucks.

i'm glad your t is helping you get thru this.  it's absolutely awful, that's for sure.  sending love and a hug full of everything you need right now :hug:

Love to you! ❤️💜💙💜❤️

Hi Deep Blue,
I would also like to send love to you, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Deep Blue,
Sending you gentle care.  :hug:

I am joining in with the hugs!  :hug:

I'm so done with this lockdown.

Isolated, alone, and so so many flashbacks.  When the sun is out, I can get out... I walk and get outside.

But with each week and day added to this quarantine I feel more and more bleak...

That feeling of being trapped is with me again... it seems to trigger feelings of worthlessness and loneliness.  The flashbacks of being in the trunk of a car.... or being tied gagged and left there are back... I just need some reprieve. 

It's hard to take deep breaths sometimes

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

o, sweet deep blue, so sorry you're feeling so trapped, and that it's causing such horrible flashbacks.  sending much love and a hug filled w/ care and comfort. :hug:

Deep Blue,
I can see where the quarantine is so triggering of your abuse when you were trapped. Ugh! Sending loads of care.  :grouphug:

 :stars: :stars: :stars:

Still done... body memories, headaches... feeling really tired.

Nightmares last nights... oh! And to make matters worse!!! It's the anniversary of the worst night of my abuse this upcoming week.

I'll make it through this year right? I have doubts... more than most years. Last year and the year before it was mostly the nightmares and body memories.

This year it this whole quarantine thing that is adding to things.

Wow I'm such a ball of sunshine  :fallingbricks:

Ugh ignore me... I don't deserve anyone to care

I'm hearing you, with you, supporting you, sadly understanding the pain that defies reason. While that might be called caring, I think it's way beyond that. Please, I hope this is acceptable, just the simplest but kindest thing I want you to know -- it's symbolized by this --  :hug: , and just remember, we're here, okay?

wg's right - we're here with you and for you, db.  :grouphug:

lots of love, my dear. :hug:

You absolutely DO deserve the care and compassion we feel for you.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

You'll make it through this year, Deep Blue. You do deserve people to care, and we do. :hug:

You will make it through. We are here for you. You are NOT alone. Post as much as is helpful in helping you through this time.  :grouphug:

Hi Deep Blue,
I also wanted to say that you definitely deserve people to care, and I agree with Snowdrop, that we DO care.  I care.  Sending you a hug of support and care, which you totally deserve  :hug:
Hope  :)

Woods gnome,
Your way with words always helps.  I feel warmth when I read what you write.

San,
Thanks... don't leave me k?

3R,
Thanks for all you are. Thanks doe always checking on me. I am glad to have you.

Snowdrop,
Yeah rationally I think to myself... it's just a date. It's not important! It's only important if I assign value to it.  The problem is that I didn't give my emotions and body permission to assign value to it and they have!

Not alone,
Thanks, I feel really whiney lately... and I hate to whine... I guess it's my journal so I can whine as much as I like though...  :Idunno:

Hope,
Thanks for the hug. It's always nice to hear from you. Hope you are doing well.
—————————————————
Weird things trigger me these days.  Dumb stuff honestly.  It seems like it's just a waiting game till the next flashback lately.

Had one watching angry birds 2.  A cartoon!!! Cuz the bird tied up a pig.  It's so stupid and embarrassing not to be in control of my own mind. 

My T is doing emdr with me... well emd.  We are not doing the r right now cuz she thinks it will be too much.  Even during the tapping my mind bucked me into a flashback.  I frantically snapped my eyes open and grounded.

It's such a mess. I'm such a mess...

I don't hear you as whiny AT ALL. I hear you are afraid and in pain.

I've had some unusual triggers too, e.g., watching a movie and the barrette in a girl's hair, watching a child chase a pigeon. Although unexpected, those triggers were connected to something that was traumatizing. It makes sense to me that anything regarding being tied up, could be triggering to you. Being a cartoon doesn't negate those pathways in the brain.

As much as possible, I will walk with you in the mess. You are not alone. I care about you, Deep Blue.  :hug: 

staying right here beside you, my dear db. 

i agree with notalone - doesn't matter if it's cartoon or reality.  those connections are immediate and unstoppable.  i hope they will eventually be resolved.  keep hangin' tough, ok?  we're hangin' right beside you.  sending a hug filled with love and caring and courage.  . :bighug:   we'll get thru this with you. :grouphug:

Ya, I don't hear it as whining either, not even a little.

And it's ok to struggle - it means you're fighting. (still no fun tho.)

You're worth being cared for and valued. You give so much to us!

You are so brave that are facing this. It is so painful and difficult to deal with all of those flashbacks and the feeling of not being in control of one's own reaction.

I am sending you a big warm virtual hug. And if you want, I have now made myself a blanket fort, you can come join me in the safe space.

Deep Blue, thinking of you today.  :hug:

Not alone,
Thanks for thinking of me and saying that I'm not whiny.  Yeah you are right, the pathways are there in my brain... it just seems that the volume gets turned up this time of year if that makes sense.

San,
Thanks for the hug... and also the courage. I dunno if it's the numerous flashbacks but I've been feeling really tired lately.  Or maybe I'm just not sleeping enough?? Not sure.

3R,
I like what you said... struggling means I'm fighting.  That does put some wind in my sails.

Sceal,
A blanket fort sounds great.  Should we watch a movie in there together? I'd like that.
—————————————————-
I've been up and down most nights.  If I have chemical help, I'm able to sleep at night.  Not so much without it.

***Trigger warning (nightmares with PA)



Most nights lately I'm getting hit.  Sometimes with a b- sometimes just being hit in general. I wake up really sore as If it is still happening. It's harder to ground when I wake up with the flashback nightmares.  It's just this flooding that's happening at night lately.

***** end trigger warning ****

So yeah feelin really tired lately and just plain tired of struggling  :Idunno:

Quote from: Deep Blue on April 18, 2020, 11:46:56 PM
Yeah you are right, the pathways are there in my brain... it just seems that the volume gets turned up this time of year if that makes sense.

Absolutely makes sense.

Quote from: Deep Blue on April 18, 2020, 11:46:56 PM
Most nights lately I'm getting hit.  Sometimes with a b- sometimes just being hit in general. I wake up really sore as If it is still happening. It's harder to ground when I wake up with the flashback nightmares.  It's just this flooding that's happening at night lately.

Deep Blue, when I read this, I felt like I wanted to cover you with my body to protect you. I know no one did that for you when you were little and even now if I were with you IRL, I couldn't protect you from the memories, but that's what I felt so wanted to share that with you.

Let's watch a movie. I'm partial to Howl's Moving Castle or Pride and Predidjuce (the tv series though, not the movie) or maybe Disney's Robin Hood (I haven't seen that in years).

I hope that the flashback nightmares will slowly subside and you can have more peaceful rest soon. you've been hard at work for too long now.

hey, db,  i think the tiredness is coming from your brain processing after the emd.  i know i'm very tired for about a day and a half, at least, after a session.  this is a lot of work you're doing, so i hope you get as much sleep and rest as you can.  you deserve it.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Sceal,
I do like Disney's Robin Hood. Let's watch  it. I need it tonight.

San,
That's a good point. Do you think just doing emd can still make people tired? Even if I'm not doing the reprocessing yet?
—————————————————-
I'm exhausted today.  I had a full on immersive flashback today.  I think it was over 5 minutes long.  It was NOT a good one at all! It was PA.... really bad PA...

I'm so sore today.  My back is throbbing and I'm scared to try to sleep tonight.

Doc gave me new meds.  I'll prob start it tomorrow? So now I'm on 2 different kinds.  I dunno about this  ???

hey,

yes.  your brain is still being engaged, even with emd, and that's massive energy being used.  brain energy can be more exhausting than physical energy, at least from my experience.  i can get more tired thinking, focusing, concentrating on something i'm trying to figure out than if i walked 3 miles.

so sorry about that flashback - sounds horrendous.  i hope these new meds give you some relief.  you've been going thru this for so long . . .

sending a hug filled with love and strength. :hug:

Quote from: Deep Blue on April 23, 2020, 12:00:10 AM
Do you think just doing emd can still make people tired? Even if I'm not doing the reprocessing yet?
—————————————————-
I'm exhausted today.  I had a full on immersive flashback today.  I think it was over 5 minutes long. 

I know the question was to san and she responded, but I just want to add that I agree with her! I don't even have emd as part of my treatment, but it's just this whole trauma stuff. I can be exhausted after merely saying something about it. I used to be exhausted all the time, non-stop.

I'm really sorry you're going thru so much and have been for months now. I didn't have the energy to respond when you thought you were being 'whiney'. I don't think you are/were being that at all!! In fact, I assume that's some ICr idea, something you were maybe told back then. 

Gentle hugs, if they feel safe for you :hug: :hug: Otherwise I'm just sending support.

Deep Blue,
Thinking of you.  :grouphug:

San,
What you said about brain energy being used seems to ring true.  I feel really tired but not really sleepy... so I bet that has something to do with it.

Blueberry,
Thanks for the support.  I do feel so rough these days.  The quarantining and social distancing is doing an absolute number on me.  It's bringing up awful trauma that I never even thought about before.

Not alone,
:hug: To you.
———————————————-
Blueberry is right, I've been struggling for awhile now.

I have ok days and bad days now... the good ones seem like a distant memory.

My T (while trying not to sound worried) set up an appointment for me with a psychiatrist this week.  Maybe some new meds will help?

The meds my GP gave me this past week were awful. I didn't react well to them at all.  Sweaty, feverish, jittery, all around bad.

So I just plain felt like quitting after that.  My T said she trusts this particular psychiatrist but I can't help but feel bleak... I don't have the energy to call a friend and talk.  I'm sure they are all sick of me by now anyway. 

I'm sick of me too

Quote from: Deep Blue on April 26, 2020, 09:26:58 PM
I don't have the energy to call a friend and talk.  I'm sure they are all sick of me by now anyway. 

I'm sick of me too

I have felt like this. I am not tired of you or of reading what you have to say. You are precious.

I'm not sick of you.  :hug:

Hi Deep Blue,
I also think you are precious and I care about you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

all of the above, db.  not sick of you.  instead, i see someone worthwhile and valuable who has been struggling.  we'll get thru this together.

even tho the social distancing has not changed my life much, i started feeling it the other day.  i can't imagine what it must be like for people like you who have had active work and social lives.  must be horrid.  hang tough, ok?  we're here with you.  much love and many hugs :grouphug:

Quote from: notalone on April 26, 2020, 11:08:39 PM

Quote from: Deep Blue on April 26, 2020, 09:26:58 PM
I don't have the energy to call a friend and talk.  I'm sure they are all sick of me by now anyway. 

I'm sick of me too

I have felt like this.

Me too.

Dear Deep Blue, I'm not sick of you. I care about you. Sending much support!  :hug:

You'll never have to 'turn to' us, Deep Blue. I, for one, and I'm positive others feel the same -- think of you often, wishing to share peaceful vibes, and knowing what it's like to struggle as you have.

We hear you, and admire you. And ... will never tire of doing so.

:hug:

Notalone,
Thanks for saying you are not tired of reading.  That honestly warms my heart. Thanks  :hug:

Hope and 3R,
I adore you both.  Thanks for not being sick of me. 

San,
I am trying to hang tough.  It helps when the sun is out... I can get some exercise and be outside.  The rainy days are the pits for sure. ❤️

Blueberry,
Thanks for caring about me.  I care about you too.   :hug:

Woods gnome,
Thanks for not turning your back on me.  I'm trying to close my eyes and soak up all those peaceful vibes.  Deep breaths.
————————————————-
I talked to the psychiatrist today.  She was nice.  I was on the phone with her for over an hour.  Towards the end I was pretty spent.  She prescribed me something to help ease the nightmares... but I'll go pick it up tomorrow.

I don't do very well when people compliment me.  I don't really feel like I deserve it and have a hard time believing it. 

The psychiatrist said "wow, you getting away from that abuse is a testament to your strength".  I couldn't take that compliment... too much shame around my trauma still.  At least I think that's why I couldn't take it???

I dunno, I'm hopeful that this will help.  I've been struggling for a month now pretty much day in and day out.  I can't take much more.  I want to move past my trauma. 

The psychiatrist said, there isn't a magic medicine that will help clear up all my trauma.  Her hope is that there is some meds that will make my healing journey easier and hopefully a little quicker.

Deep breaths tonight deep breaths

staying with you, db.  i agree with your psychiatrist - it really does take a lot of strength to get out from under continual abuse.  you done good, my dear!  and you keep doing good, hangin' in there, making it from day to day.  that's a testament to your strength and your courage as well.  i know you may not believe it, but that's how i see you.  love and hugs :hug:

You are a Warrior thru and thru. 👍 Keep battling, I'll be with my sword at your side.

Thanks San and 3R.

Today was slow. Got work done but I felt slow... moving slow.

So yeah.... I picked up the meds.  It's called trazodone.  I'm supposed to take it tonight before bed.  I'm nervous but a good nights sleep sounds great

Wishing you peaceful and restful sleep.  :zzz:

 :cheer:

I slept last night!!!! No nightmares!!!!

Hurray!!!!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: what great news!!

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

that's the best!   :zzz: for me, a good night's sleep is some of my best medicine. :boogie:

love and hugs, db.  this is such a great start! :grouphug:

 :applause: a good sign, a solid step and a supportive yahoo  :yahoo: for more good turns.

So I took a full dose of the medicine last night.  I still woke up but no panic attack. I was able to fall back asleep. 

So 2 nights of some pretty solid sleep.  Very rare for me... I'm feeling some hope again.

I love that my T helped me out and got me a psychiatrist she trusts.  So far it's taking the edge off and it's only been a couple days.  🤞🤞 hope it lasts

Glad to hear that the meds seem to be working and that you had two nights of sleep.

Kudos to your T, psych, but especially to you -- for sticking with yourself, even when all seemed so lost. That is sooo encouraging.  :thumbup:  :yes:

More good news!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I have not been on the forum much this week.  I'm feelin good with the new meds.

I have noticed the difference is that when I wake up with the nightmares, I'm able to fall asleep again pretty quickly.  It's made a world of difference.  I wake up and feel rested.

When I'm rested, I have more patience, I can focus more, I have more energy and am generally in a better mood.

So yeah  :thumbup:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :thumbup:

 :thumbup: :bighug: