One of the unfortunate aspects of managing this web site and forum is that I often come into contact with trolls and people w/NPD. I've learned to deal with trolls fairly well although there are times they send my BP soaring, but those w/NPD still take it out of me.
I had occasion this past week or two to tangle with someone who has NPD. The good news is I was not triggered into a BIG EF per se, just into anger and memories of how impossible NPD behaviour is to deal with, why it is so traumatizing and why I will never put myself in the position ever again of having to deal regularly with anyone who has NPD. Not a bad reminder but it also sparks a forlorn wish that NPD were not as prevalent as it seems to be to me.
I extricated myself as soon as I realized and blocked the person on email so I don't have to deal with them again. I told my H what occurred & spoke about how angry I am, and I'm writing here to also let it out and then let it go.
The part that was most maddening was not how unfair, manipulative, gaslighting, etc, etc, etc the person was, but that they have no clue their behaviour is toxic and never will. It makes having any chance at connecting in a human & reasonable way impossible; it's just ends up being a crazy making series of mind games and the only option is to step away, break contact.
I can feel the grrrring :pissed: subsiding as I write this so tks for reading.
Hi Kizzie,
I think that's it's really great that you managed to negotiate and handle that situation - it must have been really hard to do, but :cheer: that you did it.
Hope :)
Kizzie, I'm glad you wrote that here and that doing so helped alleviate the grrrring. Good for you taking the steps you did before you wrote here too and for seeing that you've progressed i.e. no BIG EF :cheer: I'm sorry the whole incident had to happen, i.e. that those trolls and narc trolls haven't found something more constructive for their time and yours.
While I'm about it big thanks and :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: for being on call so to speak for - what is it? - 5 years and counting of being Admin on the forum and website and so having to deal with this kind of thing whenever it turns up. You can't say "thanks, I'll pass on it, somebody else gets to deal" the way we Mods were able.
Tks Hope and BB ;D
Except for the difficult people the web site and forum have brought into my orbit from time to time, it has been the greatest pleasure of my life to be here and know that together we are have something few of us have had, a voice, validation, and a place to belong.
We are not here to give advice or hawk books or courses as many sites/forums are, we are here to share our lived experience, suggest possible options/avenues based on that experience, support and encourage one another, build knowledge about relational trauma, and raise awareness and advocate for treatment, services, support.
That's the 'magic' for me, it's us helping us.
Ugh, sorry you had to deal with the npd person. Interacting with them is so draining! I'm thankful for you, and for this place. :hug:
Adding my HUGEthanks for all you do for us/OOTS. Sorry you have to deal with jerks. I celebrate your growth in dealing with people with NPD. :yourock:
Tks Three Roses and Notalone, being here with all of you has really helped me to move forward so group hug :grouphug:
You are so impressive :cheer: :cheer:
Kizzie, thank you so much for all you do. This place has been a lifeline for me since I had a big trauma in June that led to my discovering that I had CPTSD.
Quote from: Kizzie on January 07, 2020, 09:53:27 PM
...know that together we are have something few of us have had, a voice, validation, and a place to belong...
That's the 'magic' for me, it's us helping us.
I so appreciate these sentiments. :grouphug:
Tk you Northman, and Bach very glad OOTS has been helpful to you :grouphug:
I have to admit I get discouraged from time to time and wonder if I should keep doing this but threads like this and knowing deep inside how much we all need to connect, share and to help ourselves and other survivors is what keeps me going. :yes:
I'd like to add to the voices of appreciation. Thank you for everything that you do. This community is wonderful. :grouphug:
Long time lurker, 1st time poster....
Kizzie you wrote:
"I have to admit I get discouraged from time to time and wonder if I should keep doing this but threads like this and knowing deep inside how much we all need to connect, share and to help ourselves and other survivors is what keeps me going. :yes:"
I still can't find myself or my voice, despite several breakdowns and multiple years of therapy, and reading almost all there is to read about CPtsd, but this website and your guardianship of it has given me some degree of hope....I just wanted you to know that🙏.
Tks so much Snowdrop :hug: and NatureGirl :hug: It really is helpful on those days when I feel discouraged and wonder if I want to carry on, to know OOTS does make a difference.
And an extra big :bighug: NatureGirl for making the effort to post, it was brave and kind and you have helped make a difference in my life by doing so.
Thank you Kizzie, for acknowledging me, I'm actually really feeling that hug as tingles. I'm really quite shy and scared of exposure and can't work out where I am yet, or if I ever will, I still see the world from within my bubble.....but I love this website and the supportive network you have built. It is very validating 🙏🙏🙏
Quote from: Kizzie on February 05, 2020, 04:18:16 PM
It really is helpful on those days when I feel discouraged and wonder if I want to carry on, to know OOTS does make a difference.
OOTS has made and continues to make a huge difference to my healing journey! I so appreciate all the work you do here, Kizzie.
Tks BB and MNG :) Feels like it's time for a big group hug :grouphug:
Quote from: Kizzie on January 07, 2020, 07:22:08 PM
The good news is I was not triggered into a BIG EF per se, just into anger and memories of how impossible NPD behaviour is to deal with, why it is so traumatizing and why I will never put myself in the position ever again of having to deal regularly with anyone who has NPD. Not a bad reminder but it also sparks a forlorn wish that NPD were not as prevalent as it seems to be to me.
Yes! This is a great way to look at it (and helps me reframe my own experience of NPD). That NPD behaviour is impossible to deal with - there's no rationalizing it or amount of what did I do/what could I have done differently to change it. So good that you recognize the signs and can set the boundary to emotionally remove yourself. :cheer:
I think I usually get stuck at recognizing the bad behaviour, but feel like I'm stuck in the situation and have to deal with it.
Speaking for myself DV, it got easier as I went along to the point where I can spot an N across the room, generally because they have managed to focus all attention on themselves. ;D
What really helped me was our sister site Out of the FOG which is specifically for those of us dealing with someone with a PD. It's here if you want to take a look - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/. There are some great tools for dealing with/extricating yourself from N behav there as well.
These days just Googling narcissism will bring up all kinds of great articles and books about NPD and I suspect there will be many more what with Trump being the poster child for this PD. Reassuring and scary at the same time.
Thank you Kizzie, I didn't know about that site.
Haha well, it's also the practice of not being able to get drawn into ppl's PD and know what is "old stuff." Thankfully, I have been able to see that it gets better with time, practice and understanding.
Yes, I find Trump v. upsetting and other politics going on in the world when it just feels so out of control. It's like being back with someone who abused you. Yr not alone in feeling scared there but the election was a relief.
Hi Kizzie, I know this isnt new (and Im glad in fact - because that means the humdinger was dealt with!) so the trolling NPDs that wind up in a NPD survivor healing space, they know no boundaries and limits do they? Sorry you had to deal with it and glad you could not let it get under your skin too much. You wrote: "The good news is I was not triggered into a BIG EF per se, just into anger and memories of how impossible NPD behaviour is to deal with, why it is so traumatizing and why I will never put myself in the position ever again of having to deal regularly with anyone who has NPD. Not a bad reminder but it also sparks a forlorn wish that NPD were not as prevalent as it seems to be to me. " Does EF mean Emotional Fog / Fugue? I never came across that one yet...
But more importantly, so glad you were able to experience it without it troubling you much. How are you able to do that? Just curious how you develop that particular strength. And Thanks!
Hi Kraggy,
EF = Emotional Flashback
It's used by Pete Walker whose books are linked here on the forum and are helpful for a lot of us.
The only way N's don't get under my skin is that I stay as far away from them as possible and when I do encounter one, I leave as soon as possible.
Here's the link to Pete Walker's site - http://www.pete-walker.com/.