I decided to start a recovery journey. It's a new year----well, yes it is February. I am starting with a new therapist. T E R R I F I E D.
Ever since I started therapy to deal with CSA, I have envisioned it as a journey into rugged mountainous terrain. There have been deep crevices, dangerous cliffs, and consuming mud. And fog. Lots and lots of fog, blinding me to the next part of the journey and often blocking my vision of my next step. Now I am going to another part of the land (there never has been a trail), that seems really dark and even more unknown.
Starting with where I am now, what are my resources?
Jesus is still with me.
Friends who are more informed and a greater support.
Skills I have learned: grounding, etc.
OOTS
I have been heard and cared for.
I am getting better at self-kindness.
Sometimes I can't see, hear, or sense anyone around me; but it is important for me to remember:
I am not alone.
You are not alone! :hug:
I'm also closely relying on Jesus in my journey. I feel a strength when I turn my mind to him. And I've learned I'm strong enough now to distance myself from friendships that are less than supportive and lean on the ones who are, when I need to. And OOTS is an excellent resource to find options and learn about anything new pertaining to this thing we all have.
I'm honored to walk this path with you. :hug:
Quote from: notalone on February 03, 2020, 11:23:51 PM
Ever since I started therapy to deal with CSA, I have envisioned it as a journey into rugged mountainous terrain. There have been deep crevices, dangerous cliffs, and consuming mud. And fog. Lots and lots of fog, blinding me to the next part of the journey and often blocking my vision of my next step. Now I am going to another part of the land (there never has been a trail), that seems really dark and even more unknown.
So well written NotAlone. Healing does seem to require a fair amount of blind faith, a sense that we will keep going even though we can't see what's on the other side, or for that matter what's right in front of us sometimes. It is that letting go of what was, without having a clear sense of where we will land--the great unknown, and believing that we will be held, that we will be safe--A new concept for so many of us.
And you are so right. We have resources now. Things we didn't have before, and perhaps things we couldn't see, that now light our path sometimes even just a little, enough to take the next step. Not being alone on this path makes all the difference to me, makes all of it possible.
Thank you for sharing your journey NotAlone. Deep gratitude and big :hug: :hug:.
Three Roses and MoonBeam,
Thank you for your kind responses. Your support and company on this journey means a great deal to me. I feel privileged to be included in your journeys as well.
Leaving my therapist (Monday will be last session) feels like abandoning the deep, dark depths of shame and secrets to being alone again. I feel sick, sad, scared.
Changing therapists is a big deal. Remember you have a choice, and you're not alone.
Walking beside you on the path. :hug:
i'm joining everyone else to be with you - you are absolutely not alone.
this has been an extra special resource i've used at times of great change - imagining all of you with me. if that's something that might be helpful to you, imagine us sitting with you in the waiting room of your new t while you wait for your first appt. we will be there when you leave as well, for support, comfort, and caring. it's no small feat to change therapists, nor to leave one behind w/ whom you've become comfortable. we'll be there with you and for you, if you like. sending love and hugs filled with light. :grouphug:
NotAlone, yeah, this is a big transition. I'm standing with you too, another voice added to the chorus of folks who care about you and hold light and hope for good things for you.
I want to send a little reminder if it's ok, that while yes, T1 has been with you and a lifeline indeed since you started your recovery journey, you are the one who has risen from the ashes. You are the one who has learned new skills, has made huge shifts, has gone through each moment, showing amazing strength and perseverance, courage and grace. You are the one who has shown so much love to all parts of you, welcomed and protected your littles and shown such compassion for all.
I know it's so hard to let go, to trust change. I know that you will keep working and you will bring everything you have gained so far with you to this new aspect of your work with T2. Because all of that strength is you. All of that love and compassion is you, reflected and held by T1, but all you!
It's ok to feel sad about this, to mourn what feels like a big loss. That to me sounds like you created healthy attachment and that is something to be honored. And I agree with others here, if it feels like you need to, can you leave it open with T1 that you could resume, and he could help through transition while you are finding the right fit?
Big :hug: to you. I'll be holding light and love for you NotAlone.
There are things I want to say, but for right now, just want to let you all know that I am re-reading your replies and leaning into your care and support. :grouphug:
I love the imagery you use here, Notalone -- the mountains, fog, etc. -- as you venture into this new direction. There's so much that still baffles, and it's a challenge to keep on the path. You're aware of obstacles, and it seems tricky navigation right now, but something feels good for your next still invisible but courageous steps.
Your descriptive musings reminded me of a recent change of my own. Just a change in wording, really. See, I've always declared that my ultimate goal is finding peace. But that sets up peace as some grand destination only, and not a process, always in motion (like real life). So nowadays I think of my goal as more of a peaceful flow.
There will be rapids and such, but clinging hard to the rocks only works for a while; at some point one has to let go and continue their trip downriver (or up). Excuse the metaphor, but I'm an old canoe trip guide and these metaphors I can relate to. I share them in hopes they might symbolize your travels.
So here's to your own sense of flow as you set forth on this new part of the journey. Before we part today, I'll offer this token of friendship and support -- :hug: and join the others who are with you ... :grouphug:
Woodsgnome: grateful for your friendship and support. :hug: to you. I like your illustration. "Clinging hard to rocks only works for a while" . . . continuing the journey.
I know how terrified it is to lose your therapist. It is heartbreaking.
You have a very strong way with words. I could visualise everything you wrote. It really resonated. You are absolutely correct; you are NOT alone.
Thanks, Sceal.
Today was my last session with T1. Lots of tears. Hope (5) had colored a picture for him. She cried and talked to him for a bit. E had written a note, which we gave to him. Jo (11) read a letter and cried. Then adult me read a letter. If I think about the contents of the letters, I will start crying again. Even though really sad, I feel good about how it went. For the most part, I said what I needed to say. I think it was nice for him to be thanked and to hear ways in which he has impacted us.
One moment at a time. For THIS moment, I am sad, but okay.
:hug:
NotAlone. I'm thinking of you, sending love and a supportive :hug: It sounds like you had a good meeting. I'm so glad you are doing ok.
Last night a family member asked about everyone's day. I said I had a really sad day because it was the last day with my therapist. No one responded. Woodsgnome, I went on the computer and saw your hug. I needed that so much. Thank you. MoonBeam, grateful for your love and support.
I felt a lot of fear all last night and this morning. Mostly because for the most part, I am cut off from the one (T1) who knows (my trauma, my Littles, other complex history). He was my anchor and now the chain to that anchor is disconnected. There are buoys----people who know parts of my story---hanging onto those. Trying to remind myself that I am an adult and I am safe.
I wish I didn't have to work today. Maybe the five hours of having to be "on" will be a helpful distraction.
we're with you, notalone. this is a rough transition for you, but we're standing around you, arms out so you don't fall. hang tough, sweetie, ok? hope your work is a distraction for you, and will help you make it thru the day. sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and buoyancy. :hug:
Hi Notalone, I also want to send you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
I would like to send you heartfelt hugs as well. You are safe. You are safe. You are safe. :hug:
Thinking of you, and so proud of how well you're doing with this so challenging transition :applause: Safe supportive hugs from mes as well :hug: :hug: :hug:
San, Hope, Snowdrop, Bach, and All: I am so incredibly grateful for your support and comfort during this transition.
I had a session with T2 today. I handed him a somewhat encrypted list of all the things that I needed to tell him in order to be "caught up." :fallingbricks: He didn't take off running! Session went well. I told him more than I had anticipated telling him. I feel encouraged.
yay - glad for you!
love and hugs :hug:
It will take time to feel settled with T2, but that sounds promising. I'm delighted. :hug:
I'm so glad the session went well NotAlone. I was thinking while reading your post that part of the skill-set we learn in therapy is how to do therapy. That is a very simple way of putting it, but it's that learning, knowing what works for us and what doesn't, what we need, learning how to talk to someone else and be vulnerable and so much more. It's another piece you get to take with you.
Thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort :hug:
When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut? I can be in a social situation, but in the background in my mind, feelings and memories are churning. Then something bubbles over and out of my mouth. Just now I told two people, without planning to, out of context of the conversation, that I have cptsd. :fallingbricks: I feel stupid, embarrassed and vulnerable.
sweetie,
hopefully, nothing neg. happened when you told them.
i think sometimes these things come out when we least expect them, maybe cuz unconsciously we want to test the waters? see what happens when we do? i don't know, but i think that's happened w/ me at times, something comes out and (even when posting here) i get worried about what the consequences might be.
i've got you in a big embrace so that perhaps you can relax w/ it a little. :bighug: please let us know if you get any blowback from this. in the meantime, sending love and a hug filled w/ care and an oooopsie! - i've done that myself, too! :yes: :hug:
I've been in that situation too. I've not intended to say anything, but stuff's just bubbled out. I don't know if it's been part of me trying to form a connection, seek validation, look for help or what :Idunno:. Afterwards I've felt vulnerable, scared of consequences etc.
You're not alone in this. :hug:
San and Snowdrop,
Thank you for your understanding and words of compassion. It helps to not feel all alone in this. :grouphug:
Exercise in Learning Self-Kindness
Critical words to myself:
When are you going to learn to keep your mouth shut? You told S and L that you had cptsd, out of the blue. It didn't even fit in the conversation. What must they be thinking about you? You are so weak and needy. You are so desperate for care from people. Now you are exposed and vulnerable. You need to stop letting your crazy leak out. You are so stupid.
What I would say to a friend:
You are going through so much right now. You are carrying such a big weight and it makes sense that at times your inner reality comes out. You are human. You didn't intend to tell them. You are hurting so much and a part of you wants S, L and the whole world to know the degree of harm you suffered. They might not think about it at all. It they do think about it, if they have compassion, and I think they do, they will probably wonder what happened to you to cause cptsd. They might ask you about it later or maybe not. The stuff you are dealing with is so big, you can't possibly keep it from leaking out at times. You didn't do anything wrong or stupid; you are just full of a lot of hurt.
i hope you can see yourself as that friend, notalone. what you said was really kind and caring. you deserve no less. love and hugs. :hug:
I really miss T1. I feel very sad. I (Jo) haven't met T2 yet. I don't know when I will. I want to be in office with T1 and talk to him. :'( :'( :'(
Jo (11)
here's a caring hug for you, jo, if you want one. :hug: i know it's hard to miss someone.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 15, 2020, 06:37:30 AM
i hope you can see yourself as that friend, notalone. what you said was really kind and caring. you deserve no less. love and hugs. :hug:
:yeahthat: :hug: :hug: notalone, you are going through a lot atm. You really deserve such kind words.
btw I've been in that kind of situation too where things have just bubbled out. It is getting less, a lot less, and my T said recently too that it gets less.
_________________________
Hello Jo,
I'm sorry you miss T1 so much. That's understandable though. If you would like a safe hug, here is one :hug: Or sometimes I give people :umbrella: to help keep bad things away.
I'm sorry you miss T1, Jo. I know that it's hard.
I would like to send you a hug if that's ok and feels safe. :hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on February 22, 2020, 02:24:02 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 15, 2020, 06:37:30 AM
i hope you can see yourself as that friend, notalone. what you said was really kind and caring. you deserve no less. love and hugs. :hug:
:yeahthat: :hug: :hug: notalone, you are going through a lot atm. You really deserve such kind words.
btw I've been in that kind of situation too where things have just bubbled out. It is getting less, a lot less, and my T said recently too that it gets less.
Thanks, BB. I saw those two people yesterday. Neither said anything and everything felt fairly normal.
San, Blueberry, & Snowdrop,
Thank you for your words and hugs. It doesn't take the pain away, but it did make Jo feel heard and cared for and that is a big thing. :grouphug:
Last night was tough. Jo was grieving loss of T1, then Hope was having flashbacks. After I finally fell asleep last night after 2 a.m., I woke my husband and myself up from yelling from a nightmare. Today has been hard. Managed to go to the grocery store. Times of lying on the bed in fear (EF?). Leaving soon to go to a play with my daughter and her friend. Looking forward to that and it will bring me more into 2020.
sending love and a hug filled with stability and peace for all of you. you're so very precious. :grouphug:
Thank you, San. Hug back to you. :hug:
The play went well. I saw several people that I haven't seen in a long time and I was in a good enough place where I could enjoy seeing them. During the play, Hope (5) sat on my lap and Jo (11) sat next to me (internal Parts). Hard to process that. Throughout the small auditorium were several people whom I have known for decades, and they have no clue about my inner life. Both (the Littles and my trauma AND my adult, more-or-less together self) are reality. It is confusing. I hope over time I learn how to balance and feel comfortable with both.
with the work you're doing, notalone, and the progress you're making, i have no doubt that more balance is in the future for you. glad you were able to enjoy the play and the people. love and hugs :hug:
Just sending love and safe hugs to all of you from all of me's. :grouphug: I'm struggling too in a very similar situation with saying something to a friend I wish I hadn't said, and so I'm adapting your self-kindness exercise to my situation and giving myself time and space to get out of the EF rather than digging myself further into it by trying to figure out what I can say now to "fix" what I already said that I can't take back. Thank you always for sharing :grouphug:
Quote from: Snowdrop on February 23, 2020, 08:08:54 PM
Notalone, I'm so glad that me sharing is helpful to you. I find that sometimes writing about what's happened with parts on a journey helps them feel witnessed, and being witnessed helps them to unburden. I think there were things in the IFS book that didn't feel quite right for me either. :hug:
Snowdrop, I copied this onto my journal because I didn't want to hijack your journal. That is a really interesting idea that your sharing on OOTS helps the parts feel witnessed and then unburdened. Next time I think about sharing, I'll consider that. I started writing a lot more about this, but felt unsafe.
Not sure why, but I feel reassured that you had some parts of IFS that didn't feel quite right for you. My new therapist is an IFS therapist. He reassured me that he's open and doesn't "follow all the rules." I feel like his training and experience will be a great help to me and that he will be attuned to where I am and what I need.
One of my Littles has felt compelled to color in the IFS book. She has colored flowers and rainbows on blank pages and pretty borders on other pages. I think the message is: "I am willing to try this. I am me. I'm in charge." I think the coloring is about a sense of control.
Bach, your love and hugs mean a great deal to me. :grouphug: Glad you are trying to be kind to yourself regarding what you said to your friend.
San,
Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 23, 2020, 04:02:14 PM
with the work you're doing, notalone, and the progress you're making, i have no doubt that more balance is in the future for you.
Your words were a great encouragement to me.
I think in the past, I have been 90-100% focused on my past and therapy
or 90-100% being a relatively put-together-functioning person, and dismissing the impact of my past &/or not believing my trauma. I feel a bit like a window has opened for me. I'm no longer looking at this journey as something I need to get through/have enough healing that I can go back to being the "put-together-functioning" person. I will continue on this journey, finding ways to bring healing and kindness to myself, honoring the little girl and everything she went through. I will also live in the here and now, being in relationship with my family and friends. Not sure how to do this, but it feels hopeful to look at being truthful and honoring to my past and present at the same time.
I'm processing as I write, so I hope this makes sense.
i thought it made perfect sense, and actually sounded like a lot of balanced thinking! looks to me like you're absolutely on the right track! yay! :cheer: love and hugs, notalone. :hug:
It makes sense to me too, Notalone. I'm hopeful that balance can be found, and over time you'll find out what that's like.
QuoteThat is a really interesting idea that your sharing on OOTS helps the parts feel witnessed and then unburdened. Next time I think about sharing, I'll consider that. I started writing a lot more about this, but felt unsafe.
Particularly early on, I found that some parts wanted more witnesses in order to help them unburden, and sharing here gave them those witnesses. Other parts didn't. Sometimes I've gone back and edited my post to remove details, as they no longer need to be there.
I think it's about whatever feels right and safe for you. Also your therapist can witness, if that's helpful to your Littles, and that may well be enough.
QuoteNot sure why, but I feel reassured that you had some parts of IFS that didn't feel quite right for you.
I'm glad me saying that helped. I think IFS is pretty flexible. I took the bits that resonated, and adapted them for me. At some point I'll read the book again, and see if there are other bits that now resonate.
QuoteI feel like his training and experience will be a great help to me and that he will be attuned to where I am and what I need.
Yes, definitely this. :yes:
QuoteOne of my Littles has felt compelled to color in the IFS book. She has colored flowers and rainbows on blank pages and pretty borders on other pages. I think the message is: "I am willing to try this. I am me. I'm in charge." I think the coloring is about a sense of control.
This is beautiful. :grouphug:
Just sending you some good thoughts.
San, Snowdrop, Sceal, and ALL: :grouphug:
There is a lot going on internally, but the Part isn't ready to share.
Take your time. You don't have to share if you don't want to. This is your journal, your place. You can write in it whatever and whenever you like.
Thinking of you!
Hi Notalone,
I wanted to send you a hug, :hug:
I am also thinking of you.
Hope :)
Twice this month I see my new T 2x/week. Starting in April, I will see him 2x/week consistently.
I am trying to "catch up," that is telling new T about my trauma and relationships. A simple sentence, but a complex and painful process. When I tell him something, then I continue to process, then there is more to tell. :fallingbricks: When I anticipate telling him something, then that memory loops around in my mind. I saw him Thursday and told him a memory so that was close in my thoughts and feelings. I've decided to tell him about a different abuse on Monday. The Part of me that went through that is very near and feeling angry and dizzy. The memory loops, although not constantly. I went for a walk today, which helped.
He is not pushing me and wants me to go at a pace that is "kind." I have lost ground by switching therapists. I want to move forward. I guess what feels kind is getting the telling over with. With the memory I will tell on Monday, more details have come to me. Ugh.
Hope (5) has met new T. She introduced our bear, Roman and her doll, Harriet. A week ago Jo met him. Lots more to say about that; maybe another time.
I think in my heart (and in the hearts of the Littles) I am starting to trust and rely on T2 more. When something comes up, instead of immediately thinking that I want to tell T1, I am starting to think of telling T2.
That retelling everything to a new therapist is HARD. I remember it from a couple of years ago when my therapist retired and I had to get a new one. So much crying. So many difficult feelings that were not new but which I had previously identified but then protected myself from really feeling or dealing with. It's good that T2 is encouraging you to go at a kind pace and not pushing you. I felt a lot of impatience or maybe resentment with the effort and pain of retelling, and wanting to move forward, but after a while I found that the retelling was helpful. It gave me valuable new insights, and a new appreciation of my own strength and my willingness and determination to continue to work to reduce my sufferings. I hope for that for you. :hug:
I really like T2 saying to go at a pace that is kind, and what that means is up to you. Delighted to hear that you and the Littles are starting to trust him. I know it's :fallingbricks: but I think you're doing really well.
I hope it goes well today. Thinking of you, and sending you love and hugs. :hug:
:yeahthat:
no words today, but am with you all the way. love and hugs, notalone :hug:
Hi Notalone,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug :hug:
Hope :)
Bach, Snowdrop, San, Hope,
A big hug to all of you. :grouphug:
In therapy today, a Part told T a memory. She felt heard, understood, believed and cared for.
Tonight I read a story to the Littles. I think it will be good if I start doing that on a regular basis again. It is a chance for me to nurture some Littles and for other Littles who are unsure of me, to be somewhat near me in a way that feels somewhat safe. Wow------just as I wrote that, I realized that reading was part of grooming for one of the Littles, who I am not close to. UGGGHHHHH! Well, we will change that so that she can have the experience that having books read to her is a safe, nurturing thing. Oh I'm so mad. :pissed:
I read to the Littles again tonight. This seems to be a good, nurturing way to connect with them. I felt really tired and was tempted to skip it, but glad that I took the time to be with them and read.
QuoteIn therapy today, a Part told T a memory. She felt heard, understood, believed and cared for.
Oh I'm so pleased. I'm glad that the Part trusted T enough to tell him, and I'm delighted with how she felt afterwards. :hug:
I love how you're reading to your Littles. I can imagine it's very nurturing. I wonder if that's something I should try.
Thank you, Snowdrop. For now, reading seems a good way to connect. Sometimes it is an opportunity to remind the Littles that they are safe (story about someone afraid of the dark), or last night it was a silly story, so a chance to laugh together and for me to be "Mom." I did what you do with little kids, for example, counting the monkeys on each page. The Little who had reading used in her grooming, was still a distance away last night, but was listening and a couple of times she counted the monkeys on the page. After the story I checked in with everyone to see how they were doing. Hope was sad and missing T1 so she was able to color a heart for me to send to him.
Today I will try to read to the Littles before my H gets home. He knows about the DID and probably would be okay if he found out I was reading to them, but I still feel uncomfortable. The fear of "being found out" weighs on me when I'm reading with the Littles.
this has all been so fascinating to me, and i'm learning a lot, so thanks for sharing. i told my t yesterday that this is an area i haven't really explored yet, and that *gulp* i felt afraid. her ears perked up at that, as did mine. the fear thing came out almost by accident. so, if that's an area we're going to be exploring, everything you've shared is going to be helpful for me. you've had such wonderful ideas. thanks again. love and hugs :hug:
Love and hugs back to you, San!
Just want to drop by and give you a :hug: , if that is okay?
Thanks, Sceal. :hug:
Today I'm feeling----I don't know. It's like all the parts of my life; work, family, therapy; are all needing/wanting to be present/prevalent. Plus, a few things my therapist said in my last session are whirling in my head. My kitchen is full of dirty dishes, which I am ignoring. I'm in my room watching T.V. with my hoodie on and hood on my head. I'm feeling pressure to DO. It is only internal, no one in family pressured me to clean or cook. (I didn't do either tonight.) The abuse that I told T on Monday had to do with performing. Maybe that is why I am feeling a big internal pressure to DO or get things DONE. I think the best thing for me tonight is to stay in room, watching T.V. Maybe my weighted blanket will help. I'm processing as I write, so hope this makes some sense.
Love and hugs to you and all your parts from me and all mine, notalone. But :grouphug:
i've got therapy session stuff swirling as well, notalone, so i hear ya! it's 5 a.m., haven't gone to sleep yet. hopefully, soon. do what you need to do for you, ok? no shame, no blame. yeah, performing. got that one, too. love and hugs :hug:
Sounds like you're processing alot of things. It's okay not to do things for a few days. It's fine, those things aren't going anywhere, and they aren't hurting anyone. It might be annoying to have dirty dishes in the sink, but... sitting in your hoodie and breathe for a little while is perfectly okay.
Thank you, Bach, San, & Sceal. Appreciate you.
My Friday commitment was cancelled (coronavirus). I used the time to attack the dishes and get some cleaning done.
Last night I got through being in a triggered state (EF) via xanax, Walker's 12 steps, journaling, and T.V.
I am still catching up with new therapist, telling him memories, etc. I had planned on telling him about another incident of abuse tomorrow, but I am being affected by what I told him last week. I have a literal list of what I need to tell T2 in order to be caught up with where I left off with T1. Of course, that is caught up on information, not on relationship and trust. None of the items on the list is simple--- check off, item told. Some of the things on the list are incidents of abuse that carry a garbage dump's worth of feelings and thoughts. Others are complex, important relationships that are so tangled and full of feeling that they take my breath away. My goal was to be through most of the list by the end of March. I have told him a lot, but there is so much more.
T wants me to be kind in my telling and the pace at which I tell. How is that even possible? Every telling is painful and shameful. The things that I haven't told yet are weighing on me. The voice in my head saying, "hurry up. . ." I started to tell myself to slow down, but I don't believe or accept that.
We need a tornado emoji, because that is what I feel.
Well done for getting through being in a triggered state.
I can imagine it's hard to know what kindness looks like when telling T. If you're being affected by what you told him last week, might that be a good starting point for tomorrow perhaps? Thinking of you, and I'm there with you in spirit. :hug:
I do want to tell T about reading to the Littles. Also, the Part who was in therapy last week wrote a note to T in my journal, so will start with those things.
Thanks, Snowdrop.
A lot of people writed today. I wanted to read it say things but i am too littil rite now.
Lots of love and hugs if that is safe for you, little one :hug: :hug: :hug:
Take care of yourself first!
it's hard to take care of others when you're not taking care of yourself first.
Bach, I saw your message last night and the little part smiled. She felt your warmth and love.
Sceal, thank your for that kind reminder.
There is a great deal going on internally that I am trying to process. . . . I sat here for several minutes trying to know how to put it into words and my head was this :stars:. I have to leave for work in 10 minutes, so maybe will try to write later. . . if it feels safe. . . :disappear:
i like what your t said about being kind in your telling. i think our being kind to ourselves is of the utmost importance. really, the pace is personal, even tho it feels impossible to slow it down at times. your pace is based on what you're able to tolerate before going into an EF or spiraling like a tornado. it's different for all of us - there's just so much we can take before it overwhelms us, and it's a process to find that point and stop before it happens.
so much of therapy, to my mind, is experimentation - try one thing, see if it works. if it does, do it again. if it doesn't, do something different. you can't do therapy wrong. honestly, you don't have to rush with this new t. maybe just in the telling you'll be able to find something of value that was overlooked with T1. breathe, sweetie, and know that you are good and precious and worth kindness and caring. sending love and a hug full of both :hug:
Gentle, safe hugs to you and the little one. :grouphug:
Thanks San & Snowdrop.
Wednesday night, the little Part wrote a note to T telling him that if she told, she would be put in jail. She gave him the note yesterday. Last night I had a dream that adultish me was in jail. It wasn't a super disturbing dream. Seems like a bigger fear than I realized so maybe T and adult me needs to give that Little One more reassurance that she won't be put into jail. BTW, that particular Part hasn't TOLD yet.
Hi Notalone,
I wanted to send you and Little Hope my best thoughts, and a safe hug, if they want one :hug: I hope that you feel ok in the light of the day, after your dreams.
Hope :)
Lots of love to you and Hope and all :grouphug:
Thank you Hope and Bach. Hugs to you. :grouphug:
I'm not working today and my usual Friday commitment is cancelled. It allowed for some time for the Littles to be present. Hope colored a picture of herself shooting coronaviruses and the viruses turning into rainbows. She wants me to send it to T1. I also took a picture of it and sent it to four people in my life who know about my DID and Hope. Jo wrote a thank you note to someone. She has been meaning to write it for a long time, but it has been put off for many reasons.
Jo (11) and Hope (5) have been writing letters and coloring pictures for me to send to T1. I told them that we needed to wait until we have been seeing new therapist for two months before I send the letters. I want to have time to connect with T2. I feel like that transition has been happening. When something has come up, my immediate thought has switched from telling T1 to telling T2. However, this morning when Hope colored a picture for T1 and her feelings about it, I realized that she has very little attachment with T2. It seems that as other parts of me are growing in trust of T2 and experience him as a caring person, Hope isn't feeling that trust or connection. I think when I have my Skype session on Monday, it will be good for Hope to spend some time with T2; no agenda, just to get to know him.
My eating has been out of control for quite some time now. I know I comfort eat. I know the Littles comfort eat. I wrote the word "food" in balloon letters in my journal. Inside of the letters I wrote down things that were weighing on me. I outlined the letters in thick black lines. When I looked at it, it seemed the thick black lines were a fence or a guard. In other words, food is a way of protecting me or helping me to deal with my issues. A coping mechanism. Tonight I, as always, had the urge to eat. When I told myself no, the urge to self-harm (not strongly) kicked in. It seems that I use food to anesthetize my feelings, which means eating almost continually. If I cut off that anesthesia, the coping mechanism of SH seems to kick in. I did some tapping tonight. Don't really know if it helped.
Being out of control with food is a big issue. Needing constant sedation is a problem. Frankly, that I've gotten fat is really upsetting to me.
The eating is much worse from about 4:00 p.m. on. I have two theories about that. It may be just because I'm home from work (sometimes) and have time. Another theory: when I was young, my father left for work at 3:30, which left me vulnerable.
This is a big deal. I have been telling myself that I'll get it under control. Maybe something to deal with way down the line. But it is a big issue. I know I should tell my therapist about this. I feel SO much SHAME. Different from the CSA shame, which is deep, dark and enormous. But I need help. It is too big for me.
hey, notalone,
we've all figured out protective behaviors and survival tools during our lives, whether they be to distract ourselves from too much emotion or as a way to protect ourselves from getting overwhelmed - maybe those are the same, maybe they have differences, i think it's individual - and food is one that some of us share. i know it's been a problem for me during much of my life.
possibly, your timeline for eating after work is over may have something to do w/ not being distracted like you are during the day? we have been programmed to live in the midst of stress and tension because of all we've been thru. the nature of this beast is to hurt ourselves when no one else is hurting us - we're used to being hurt, being in pain. without pain or stress, it can be difficult to be comfortable with feeling ok. so, what do we do when we feel uncomfortable? we use something that will return us to a state of emotional or physical stress, because that's what's comfortable for us.
anyway, that's how i see it. that's how it seems to work for me. feeling uncomfortable from eating too much or unhealthy stuff or not enough can distract me from emotions, situations, feeling good, making progress, getting a compliment - whatever it is that feels uncomfortable on a level i'm not used to. feeling good about something i do can feel uncomfortable. it's more comfortable to feel bad about myself through what i've eaten, how much, etc. does any of that make sense? if not, just ignore.
at any rate, i hear you, my dear. sending a hug filled with love and compassion for what you're going thru. :hug: i do believe that as we get used to feeling better about ourselves, we'll be able to let go of our outside protectors against what we're not used to.
Thank you for sharing this, Notalone. I have thoughts, which I'll write down in case they're helpful. Please ignore them if they're not helpful or don't feel right to you.
As I read your post, it came into my head that in IFS, comfort eating and SH is firefighter behaviour. Maybe there are a couple of firefighters who are trying to distract you from other parts, and when the comfort eating firefighter was cut off, the SH firefighter stepped in. This would be completely understandable, and nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe they're protecting the part who felt vulnerable when her father left for work?
You've said before that your therapist uses IFS. This makes me think it would be really helpful to tell him about this, as it may well help him help you better. Maybe it might be possible to read what you've written out to him?
Sending much love and big hugs your way. :grouphug:
San, always appreciate your words and your care and compassion.
Snowdrop, what you said makes sense to me. I think I will take your advise and read what I wrote here to T. Will let you know tomorrow if I follow through and how it goes.
This is a difficult and vulnerable issue for me. Thank you for responding. :grouphug:
I know it's hard, Notalone. Here for you. :hug:
with you all the way with this, notalone. love and hugs :hug:
I did read March 29 post to T yesterday. We talked about it on many levels, many issues involved with food. I spent last night clutching teddy bear (Roman), feeling lots of fear. Therapist had some significant insights. Another complex issue, but seeing some of the reasons behind my behavior helped me to understand why the many weight loss programs that I did were only successful for limited time periods.
Quote from: notalone on March 27, 2020, 02:36:51 PM
However, this morning when Hope colored a picture for T1 and her feelings about it, I realized that she has very little attachment with T2. It seems that as other parts of me are growing in trust of T2 and experience him as a caring person, Hope isn't feeling that trust or connection. I think when I have my Skype session on Monday, it will be good for Hope to spend some time with T2; no agenda, just to get to know him.
The entire session yesterday was spent talking about food and the deeper issues involved, so there wasn't time for Hope to be there. I have another session on Thursday. I did two art therapy projects last night so I do feel a strong need to talk about those, so there might not be time for Hope to see T on Thursday either. Before covid-19, the plan was for Hope to tell her memory to T this Thursday. Won't do that as long as sessions are not face to face. That would not feel safe or kind, at all.
sounds like you're making some progress. sorry that hope's timetable has gotten knocked off track. hang in, ok? we're all hanging together love and hugs, my dear. :grouphug:
A big Well Done for reading the post to T, Notalone. I know that it wasn't easy. :grouphug:
Sending you a safe and comforting hug, if that's ok Notalone :hug:
Hope :)
Sending love and hugs :hug: Hope you are okay :grouphug:
:hug: :hug:
San, Snowdrop, Hope, Sceal, Bach, and ALL:
Thank you for your support and kindness.
I'm continuing to meet with T online. I find that difficult, but grateful that I am still able to have therapy sessions.
Everytime I start to write something specific on my journal, it doesn't feel safe. I don't know if that's because I feel less safe with seeing T on a computer screen instead of face to face or it there is another reason. Well, I'll respect whatever part of me is feeling unsafe and for the moment won't write details. Continuing to work on issues, although telling memories has been put on hold until I can see T face to face.
I am an "essential employee" so I am still working. I did tell my T that it would be nice if the cPTSD took a break while the world was going crazy. He said it just exacerbates it. Yep.
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to all my safe friends
:grouphug: back atcha, notalone.
i think it's a very good idea to honor your unsafe instincts. if/when you're feeling safer, you'll be able to write what you want. if you don't ever, that's ok, too. your process, your pace, as always. totally respected. love and hugs :hug:
I get it, notalone :hug: It's hard for anything to feel safe right now. I didn't even want to do my therapy sessions last week because what is there in the world right now that is safe to look at closely and engage with? I feel like all my energy is taken up just keeping on a calm face from moment to moment and stopping myself from freaking out about everything, never mind doing any grappling with the hard stuff that even at the best of times is there and present somewhere, to some degree.
I get very impatient with therapy when it feels more like mundane conversation about life's troubles that I might have with anyone I was close to and less like something wrenching and painful and important that will result in my MAKING PROGRESS WITH HEALING or whatever, but I'm coming to an acceptance that it's all important even if it's not happening on my timetable.
Lots of love to all of you :grouphug:
Thanks,
San. I feel your care and acceptance. :grouphug:
Quote from: Bach on April 11, 2020, 03:51:17 PM
I get very impatient with therapy when it feels more like mundane conversation about life's troubles that I might have with anyone I was close to and less like something wrenching and painful and important that will result in my MAKING PROGRESS WITH HEALING or whatever, but I'm coming to an acceptance that it's all important even if it's not happening on my timetable.
Lots of love to all of you :grouphug:
Yes, that is so hard. Internally I have a feeling of "I need to hurry and deal with this stuff!" Love and hugs to you,
Bach. :grouphug:
In my last session, I told T about a therapist that I saw decades ago. The relationship was very complex and ended up being rather damaging. Not all
bad, which makes it more confusing. Today, I mailed letters and pictures that the Littles had made for the therapist that I stopped seeing two months ago. I wanted to wait two months to give the Littles and I time to separate and get used to the new therapist. I was feeling really irritated with my husband. I went to make lunch and the thought of making tuna salad seemed overwhelming. The mess in the kitchen---food to prepare for Easter---a walk before it gets cold enough to snow again in a couple of days--------all those thoughts, those "to do" seem overwhelming. I felt depressed. Then I realized, issues with therapist from decades ago, switching therapists two months ago; I am feeling loss. To define it as loss and not vague depression helps a little. I need to figure out how to help myself right now. What would be kind? I don't know. Maybe I need to curl up for awhile. Will try weighted blanket, bear and music.
I spent about 1 1/2 hours under weighted blanket with bear and music. Then I prepared one dish for tomorrow. I went for a walk. I did some cleaning in kitchen, more to do. I feel unsettled, like even my skin doesn't fit right. That probably doesn't make sense.
hey,
feeling unsettled never bodes well for me, either. it's one of the more disturbing feelings i get. if you'd like, i can sit with you for a bit, just be there, let you know that the earth is beneath our feet and earth mother spirit is embracing us against the tides of unrest that are pounding around us right now. i can also send a virtual hug filled with love and compassion. :hug:
Thanks so much, San. I am thinking of you sitting with me reminding me to feel the chair, blanket, etc. I am binge watching T.V. with my husband. I may be in a slight triggered state (EF). Not sure and not sure what it's about. Things seem to be whirling around. Thank you for the hug. I feel it and it helps.
I feel depressed. I feel emptied out. Need to pull it together and make Easter brunch. I've got nothing to give today. :'(
I'm sorry, Notalone. If it's welcome, I will put a soft blanket round your shoulders, and give you a big hug. I'm also with you in spirit, helping with the Easter brunch. :hug:
Lots of love to you, dear notalone :hug: :grouphug:
Thank you Snowdrop and Bach. :grouphug:
Doing okay on the outside. On the inside feel down, heavy, tired.
Quite a few posts since I was on yesterday. Not able to read those right now, but still thinking of all of you with compassion and care.
Drinking a comforting and grounding cup of tea. Feeling the heat and smoothness of the cup. Smelling the light fragrance. Feeling the warm liquid in my mouth and then the soothing heat as it goes down my throat. I am safe. Breathe.
I'm dressed, ready to leave for work in ten minutes. I wish I could call in sick. (And no, I can't b/c of the nature of my job.) I'm not sick. Not unless you count the headache that I've had for 1/3 of my life, not even a bad one today. I just feel sad. I want to go to bed. I don't want to pretend to be happy. Telling myself the same thing I always tell myself. "You can do this. You've done it many times before when you were in worse shape then you are today. You will get through. You'll be okay." One step at a time. One moment at a time. Tired of so much of life being like this.
Dear Notalone, I just wanted to send you a hug of support :hug:
Hope :)
Quote from: notalone on April 14, 2020, 01:50:42 PM
Telling myself the same thing I always tell myself. "You can do this. You've done it many times before when you were in worse shape then you are today. You will get through. You'll be okay." One step at a time. One moment at a time. Tired of so much of life being like this.
I empathise deeply with this. Sending love and hugs. And bubbles! :hug: :grouphug:
Hope and Bach, thank you for your support, hugs and bubbles. That means a lot to me.
Work went okay today. In truth, it was probably a good distraction. I talked to a friend on the phone this afternoon and had a friends-zoom meeting tonight. I'm doing better then this morning. Still feel the weight of stuff I am dealing with, but feeling connected with people in the here and now helps.
Hi notalone, I wanted to send my support. Symptoms from this disorder are hard, and I feel your pain. Hope the struggles that are weighing you down get resolved and found out quickly.
Sending you a hug if that's ok, :hug: . Hope you find comfort with your blankets.
Thinking of you, Notalone. :grouphug:
hey,
i'm glad you're feeling a bit better. keep taking care of you as best you can, ok? love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Marta, Snowdrop, San, and ALL:
Thanks for the hugs and care. Hugging you back. :grouphug:
Quote from: notalone on April 01, 2020, 12:57:34 AM
Before covid-19, the plan was for Hope to tell her memory to T this Thursday. Won't do that as long as sessions are not face to face. That would not feel safe or kind, at all.
Last night, Hope (5-year-old Little) had visions of her abuse throughout the night. She has been waiting a long time to tell new T what happened to her.
What if this never ends and I never get to see T again? I will be stuck all alone with my bad thing FOREVER. -Hope
Hope wanted to write the above. She did talk to T via Skype today. It helps a little, but to a degree, he doesn't seem like a real person to her on the computer screen. (Interesting that all of you feel real to her. Maybe because she has only known you in this format, plus there isn't a picture like seeing someone on T.V.)
that sounds like a very scary feeling for Hope. here's a hug just for her. :hug:
it also must be tough for you to know she has this big bad thing she wants to get out and has gotten stuck right now. maybe in time . . .?
at any rate, letting you both know i care and am sending love and a hug full of de-scared aerosol - push the button, it might help the fear lessen. :hug:
San, here is a great big hug for you. :grouphug: And some happiness.
:fireworks: :fireworks: :fireworks: :fireworks:
:sunny: :sunny: :sunny: :sunny: :sunny:
I love you. From Hope
notalone, the younger B's want to talk to Hope about being scared but, well, they're scared to. I told them I would tell you/her for them. They said that they don't know what's on Hope's mind but they understand what it's like to be scared when everything feels too big and too risky to ever really be safe even though good safe things around, and people who tell you it's going to be okay. Also, that they wish they could hug her, just them without the big people because it would be so nice to hug someone their own size :hug:
Bach, will you please read this to the younger B's? Notalone is helping me to write because I don't spell very many words.
Younger B's, Thank you for talking to me. The bad thing I want to tell my T, I want to tell him and I don't want to tell him. I wish it would all just go away, but I know no one can make that happen. I would like to hug you too. I wish we could sit together and color. (I colored a picture for my T today. I will show it to him on Monday. I can't give it to him until I see him. I'm a little scared to give it to him. I hope he likes it and doesn't think I'm stupid.) If we were together we could look at books too. I like pictures of animals. And I think that you like bubbles too. We could have lots of fun.
Love, Hope
hope, i just loved what you sent me, all those fireworks made my heart rumble and roll like a puppy. :woohoo: and, i love you right back. you are darling, and i'm sorry you're scared. that's not a good feeling at all. :no:
shining some happiness straight to you. :sunny: :sunny: :sunny: i think it's very brave of you to make that picture to show your T. you have so much spirit inside you. :yes: i'm so glad you have notalone to take care of you. many hugs to you :grouphug:
Thank you, San. Your message made me feel good. from Hope
Quote from: notalone on April 17, 2020, 01:34:48 AM
Bach, will you please read this to the younger B's? Notalone is helping me to write because I don't spell very many words.
Younger B's, Thank you for talking to me. The bad thing I want to tell my T, I want to tell him and I don't want to tell him. I wish it would all just go away, but I know no one can make that happen. I would like to hug you too. I wish we could sit together and color. (I colored a picture for my T today. I will show it to him on Monday. I can't give it to him until I see him. I'm a little scared to give it to him. I hope he likes it and doesn't think I'm stupid.) If we were together we could look at books too. I like pictures of animals. And I think that you like bubbles too. We could have lots of fun.
Love, Hope
Hi, Hope :wave: We'd love to sit together and colour. The other day Bach asked us to draw how we felt and we couldn't because it was too hard. We wish we could visit with you and all be in a safe place together. Then we would draw trees and flowers and bugs and animals with happy faces! We hope you're okay today. Love, Middle B and Little B
To Middle B and Little B:
Quote from: Bach on April 18, 2020, 03:07:40 PM
We wish we could visit with you and all be in a safe place together. Then we would draw trees and flowers and bugs and animals with happy faces!
I wish that too.
One of our Littles scribbled black to show her feelings. (She broke the crayon.) I thought I would tell you that in case scribbling a color would help.
My friend crocheted a blanket for my doll, Harriet. It has beautiful colors. Since it is crocheted there are holes in it---that's how it is supposed to be. Today I was laying on my bed with my doll's blanket over my face. The sun was shining in the widow. It was like looking through a rainbow! I wish we could play dolls together.
Love, Hope
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I am being triggered, trying not to be. :stars: My husband is watching a T.V. show. To my mind, the premise is people being tricked. I guess it is supposed to be funny. Being tricked/deceived.......even more.......being laughed at and made fun of........triggering. And hearing my husband laugh....triggering. I guess to "normal" people, the show is funny.
I can totally relate.
Anytime someone takes visible pleasure in my suffering (e.g., laughs at my failure/humiliation), it's very triggering. It's even worse if I react in a way that they can perceive, and they find that entertaining, too
Thank you, Saylor. I appreciate your response. Even though it helps to be understood, I'm sorry you have to deal with that also.
I'm okay right now. I went upstairs and folded laundry. We are now watching the t.v. show that we've been binge watching. Odd that I can watch science fiction violence (to a degree and sometimes) but I'm triggered by a comedy show.
Hi Notalone,
Reading about your experience here helped me as well, as I had watched a comedy programme on the weekend by a comedian, and found it incredibly triggering, and couldn't understand why - but reading what you wrote, puts it in perspective - and I can see it now, that is was triggering.
Sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
i've never found those types of shows funny, either. i think it's mean. anyone who's been humiliated or laughed at would feel the same way, to my mind. i think it's triggering because it's real humans laughing at others, but personally, i don't think it's 'normal' to find it funny. i think it has to do with a lack of compassion. i don't watch those shows, either, after seeing one many, many years ago.
i think the difference between the sci fi and the other is that sci fi is make believe, while the other is real people in real situations. we've been thru those situations (and probably a lot of the people who laugh at it also have), but it's like anything else. people here have been traumatized and make a great effort not to repeat what happened to them, while others who have been traumatized, do exactly the same to others.
just my opinion. love and hugs, notalone. :hug:
Hope, thank you for sharing. :hug:
San,
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2020, 01:24:08 PM
i've never found those types of shows funny, either. i think it's mean. anyone who's been humiliated or laughed at would feel the same way, to my mind. i think it's triggering because it's real humans laughing at others, but personally, i don't think it's 'normal' to find it funny. i think it has to do with a lack of compassion. i don't watch those shows, either, after seeing one many, many years ago.
i think the difference between the sci fi and the other is that sci fi is make believe, while the other is real people in real situations.
What you wrote rings true for me. Fiction is make believe. Real people laughing at someone else's expense is hurtful.
The being-laughed-at scars run very deeply in me. Just writing that, I can feel myself start to dissociate.
Now I have my husband's laughter ringing in my memory. He was not laughing at me. I know it is my issue, but it doesn't help my trust. :'(
I can't stand that kind of cruel humour. In my family growing up, I was the butt of many jokes that weren't really jokes at all but criticisms and expressions of resentment. I don't like humour that comes at the expense of another person's dignity. I also hate the shows and videos that make comedy out of people having accidents. I can't laugh at any kind of humour that relies on creating a victim.
I get triggered by things like that too. :grouphug:
I just wrote a long post that disappeared when I got up to let the dog out. I am so done. Even my attempt at reaching out has failed. I am not suicidal, can't be, have kids. I am so done. Can not go on. so done. took xanax to keep from sh. What next? What do I do to take the next breath? What do I do to look like a person and go to work tomorrow? So tired of functioning and existing and going on. For What??
All inside are in chaos. I can't keep going. I can't keep doing this. Even what I had written, which made more sense then this, disappeared. Falling and there's no bottom.
Hey notalone, i hear you. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, it shouldn't be like this.
Please please take a blanket or something comfortable and give yourself a hug, if it's ok to ask. Maybe make some tea, to bring yourself some relief.
I've been having the same thoughts as you, but I just want to show you that you are here and important and valid. Sending you lots of love and support, and that you're surrounded by love (on this forum and in real life) :hug: :hug:
So often you have offered me virtual hugs and blankets and cups of tea, comfort and understanding and sweet wishes of calm happy times with a friend who cares. I offer these back to you in hopes for a few moments of warmth and the strength to continue for another day. You are valued and valuable, and I stand with you in the painful struggle :hug:
You are wonderful, always, even at times that seem to vanish one's comfort zone. Sometimes there's just too much to take in -- there's so much that doesn't make sense.
Please accept my offer of a nice blanket, some tea, maybe a fire to warm by. I wish I could do more; words don't quite cut to the core, but I want to express my feelings this way, if it's alright --
:hug: :hug: :hug: ...
and many more for the very special person you are.
Here with you, Notalone. I will bring you a cup of tea, put a soft blanket round your shoulders, and offer big hugs. Any time you feel as though you're falling, we're here to catch you. You are safe. You are safe.
:grouphug:
Dear Notalone,
I have been thinking about you today, and I hope that you are managing to get through your day. Sending you a gentle and supportive hug, if that's ok, :hug:
Hope :)
Marta, Bach, Woodsgnome, Snowdrop, Hope,
At present, I am covered by a soft blanket and I feel your care.
Somehow I've made it through the last two days of work. Only scheduled for three shifts this week, so one more day of appearing very different from how I feel on the inside.
When I think about putting words to what is troubling me, it seems ridiculous. Incredibly minor. But, I am falling. Falling down a bottomless canyon. There are branches being held out to me, but they are too far away. I have a branch in my hand, but it is broken. It did not support my weight and now I am falling. Falling. Falling. There is no stopping the nightmare. It goes on and on and on.
Five year old Hope used to be called, "The girl who was with the four men." About a year ago I named her "Hope." This week she renamed herself "Hopeless."
Falling.
I've felt like that before, Notalone, and it's not ridiculous or minor.
In my mind's eye, I see an angel going into the canyon to save you from falling. The angel catches you and holds you, so that you're supported by angel wings, and surrounded by light.
Love you, Notalone. You're precious, and I care about you.
:grouphug:
i've got another angel to send, also to catch and support you on angel wings. we're here with you, we've got you. these pits only feel bottomless - at least in my experience, cuz i've been down too many to count. but, i'm still here and i know it's cuz the people here have helped me find a reason to just take one more step, one more step, and one more step. all you have to do is make it to tomorrow, a step at a time. and, breathe. take a breath, take a step. one at a time.
if you can, you and hope, imagine us surrounding you, gently offering support and caring. you've helped me get thru some bad times. i just want to do the same for you, if possible. sending a hug filled with love and strength and a walker if those steps are too difficult to take on your own. :grouphug:
Quote from: notalone on April 29, 2020, 10:57:22 PM
When I think about putting words to what is troubling me, it seems ridiculous. Incredibly minor. But, I am falling. Falling down a bottomless canyon. There are branches being held out to me, but they are too far away. I have a branch in my hand, but it is broken. It did not support my weight and now I am falling. Falling. Falling.
It's interesting to me that you describe how you feel this way. I have been feeling this way too. Falling. Exactly that. Mostly, I'm afraid to even say so because my situation is so good compared to a lot of people. I feel guilty and selfish for being so wrapped up in my distress when I am safe, comfortable and well-fed while others are facing such dire circumstances. I wish that there was something I could say to help, but really, all I can offer you is gratitude for saying what I have been unable to.
I'm sorry that Hope now feels Hopeless. Strangely enough, it is my littles who have been keeping me going. We are collaborating on a self-care project. I got a simple app for keeping track of a variety of household and self-care tasks by the day, week, and month, and we made a list of long-term goals that we can work on a little at a time each day or week or month. The littles are responding really well to that because doing things five minutes at a time means nothing gets overwhelming, and they love being able to check the boxes. Even though my mood has been both low and agitated, I feel that I've been doing a good job of keeping the children safe without making them feel doomed. I asked them what they needed and asked them to help me with it. I have found that although the children want to be taken care of, they also want to help. It's hard to explain, but somehow it has been very powerful in keeping me from totally losing it.
Bach,
Quote from: Bach on April 30, 2020, 07:24:47 PM
I feel guilty and selfish for being so wrapped up in my distress when I am safe, comfortable and well-fed while others are facing such dire circumstances.
Yes, I feel like this too. My T told me that the feeling of endlessness and no-way-out is a reenactment of childhood. When I look at the world or even facebook (really limiting that) I also think I should be grateful and at peace. But inside I am still falling. I guess the cPTSD stuff is just as real, but not being concrete or seen makes it harder to accept and not self-condemn.
I love that your Littles are helping you with the self-care. I want to send them real stickers to put on a chart (showing my age :bigwink:), but this will have to do. These are for your Littles, full of love.
:wave: :party: :applause: :sunny: :boogie: :yourock: :bighug: :waveline: :grouphug:
Snowdrop & San,
Even after 2 sleeping pills I couldn't sleep last night. I was bombarded with images and feelings. Felt myself continuing to fall. I pictured your angels with me and it was a comfort. Thank you for your love and that beautiful picture. I drew a picture of myself falling and I am going to add the angels.
For my spiritual walk, the Bible is important and this verse came to mind.
Psalm 91:11-12 New International Version (NIV)
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
I am doing better. Not feeling like I'm falling. Not feeling like I'm not going to make it. Trying to take one day at a time and not get too far into the future.
Hope is back to being "Hope" (not "Hopeless"). She hung on through April, waiting to be able to tell her abuse to T in person. Now that won't happen in May (still no contact). Really hard. Just writing that I feel the incredible weight of that burden of holding on day by day. . . then, nope, need to hold on for AT LEAST another 31 days. Heavy, heavy weight.
T talked to Hope about what would help her get through each day. I will try to take a walk with Hope when weather permits. I will try to read a story to her and the other Littles. I started this a bit ago and haven't followed through. I told Hope that every day she could choose a sticker to put in my journal. (Bach, that idea probably came from what you're doing with your Littles.)
One day at a time. And as San reminded me, breathe.
Thank you everyone for being there for me this week.
Good to hear you've broken the fall. Doubly great to know that Hope is again able to be a part of soothing out the rough ride you encountered. May both of you, and all your Littles, keep following along those little steps ... someday they'll seem huge, starting with ... today.
:hug: for Notalone and :hug: for Hope
Thanks, Woodsgnome. :grouphug:
Having a hard day. When I woke up this morning, Hope had been thinking about/dreaming about telling T about her abuse. She was reliving parts of it. Also, T gave me some homework, which I did yesterday. It has left me feeling a little sad and also vulnerable. Part of me feels like I probably did it wrong and will be in trouble. Not sure where that's coming from. In my wildest imagination, I can't see my T reacting negatively, even if I completely misunderstood what he said.
Also, something happened at work, leaving me feeling horrible. I dread going in on Tuesday.
Feeling sad.
Hope would like you to know that so far the stickers she has chosen are: the word "hope," a big sun, and a tea set.
Hi Hope :wave:
From Middle B and Little B
I hope it goes ok at work, Notalone. I'm thinking of you, and I'm there beside you, every step of the way. :hug:
Those stickers sound great! Here is another sun for Hope :sunny:. It's extra shiny.
Middle B and Little B: Hello from Hope. :grouphug:
Snowdrop, Hope says thank you for the sun sticker.
Work went okay. Appreciate your thoughts and for standing by me.
glad work went ok. also glad hope is back to hope, rather than hopeless.
good bible verse for the angel wings - i love angel wings. they've kept me going so many times . . .
one day at a time. that's all you and hope have to do, just get from today till tomorrow. that's all. when tomorrow becomes today, just get to one more tomorrow. 31 days can be too much to bear. set your sights on tomorrow, ok?
love and hugs :hug:
San, thank you for your lovely thoughts. We are trying to take one day at a time, but sometimes we think ahead and then feel overwhelmed and like we're falling.
A friend brought me a crate of children's stories. I read to Hope and other Littles tonight. Another friend send Hope an encouraging card and stickers.
stickers and stories - what a great combo! i don't doubt hope will enjoy those.
i get the whole deal w/ looking too far ahead. unless i can find a solution, compromise, assertion, whatever to something like that, where i feel comfortable w/ a possible outcome, i also work at being more in the present than in the future. it does seem more manageable. good for you for keeping that in mind! :thumbup:
hug to hope :hug:, hug to you :hug: and love to both. :wave:
Feeling very unmotivated today. I really need to clean the house, at least vacuum. It would be good if I sewed a couple more masks for family members. I did manage to go for a walk. Just feel depleted.
:hug:
Thanks for the hug, Bach. Hugging you back. :hug:
Yesterday I gave myself the goal to clean the foyer, just a small area. Felt good that I got that done and then was able to do a little bit more. Finished vacuuming the house today.
Grateful to be with my husband and kids today. We looked at dvd photos from when the kids were young. My past was fairly buried back then and I was pretty functional. I do believe that overall my kids have positive memories of their growing-up years. Certainly my past has affected me and leaked out in my mothering, but I think that they grew up in a pretty healthy atmosphere. The chain of abuse goes back many generations in my family.
B R O K E N
Notalone,
Well done on achieving your goal that you set for yourself. And it seems you did more on top of that too! It's important to recognize when we do well.
And more importantly, well done on BREAKING that chain. As a parent myself I am striving on doing this too. my family home has been dysfunctional until recently. Peace is slowly breaking out due to steps that I have needed to take to heal. But in doing so, I have realized that my daughter should not have the dysfunction passed to her.
I commend you if your children have positive memories and had a healthy atmosphere. This is an awesome achievement.
:cheer:
to my mind, breaking that chain, that cycle of abuse, no matter what form it took is one of the most difficult, yet most affirmative and satisfying things we can do. it's also one of the most precious gifts we can give our children. :yes: well done, notalone. :thumbup: that's an accomplishment you can be truly proud of.
another is that you vacuumed the foyer, achieved a goal you set for yourself, :applause: and it motivated you to do even more. i think you're doing a wonderful job, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
sending a hug filled with love and lots of grounding for when you feel like you're falling :hug:
Snookiebookie & San,
I am grateful for you affirming words.
Sending you a hug Notalone :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks, Hope. Hugging you back. :hug:
This is Hope. Yesterday I felt very alone. I called a friend. I've texted this friend (with NotAlone's help of course because I can't spell), but I never talked to her. (NotAlone has talked to her lots of times.) She was glad I called and I felt better after I talked to her.
Today I helped NotAlone plant some flowers. We don't know if they will grow. We just stick those in the ground, say a prayer and give the plants water. After that I listened to two stories on the computer from a library. I'm going to go for a walk with NotAlone now. Good-bye. from Hope.
Hi Hope :wave: That's how we plant things with Bach. "Shove 'em in the ground and hope for the best" is what she says. Then after we plant them we go look at them every day. She says they like that! We also planted loads and loads of flower seeds that we collected last year. We did that a few weeks ago. I guess the seeds are growing but right now they don't look any different from weeds. I can't wait until they start being flowers!
Have a nice day :) :wave:
That's neat that you planted seeds. We started with plants so they already look like a flower is ready to pop open.
Love, Hope
Flashbacks last night. Right now I'm binging (well just started, but that's the plan) on movies, I have my blanket and a cup of tea, lit a candle. Trying to let myself have this self care instead of feeling guilty for not doing anything.
Notalone, I want to start with this, if ok -- :hug:
Next, I have just a little something that hit me when I read the closing comment you made.
You said: " ... let myself have this self care instead of feeling guilty for not doing anything."
It's so natural to think of self-care as 'not doing' anything. In fact, self-care is doing everything, sometimes against all odds and all we've mis-learned about the value of self-care. Having been in the depths of despair, it's the best thing one can 'do' -- and a good sign of progress, IMO. So -- congrats on finding those sorts of moments. It's encouraging, not a sign of failure at all.
Woodsgnome, thank you for the hug. Your words came at the right time and I'm trying to take them in. I've watched 3 movies today and the thought of doing anything seems overwhelming. Just finished movie #3 and wondering what else I can do to get through the day. Besides the flashbacks last night, my husband said something this afternoon that is very triggering to me. Maybe I will talk about that in session tomorrow. I'm slipping a little, but I'm not spiraling. Woodsgnome, I just re-read your words as my guilt is settling in. Thank you.
hey, notalone,
i learned about the concept of 'not doing anything' as actually doing something vitally important when i used to lift weights. lifting actually causes small tears in your muscle fibers, and having at least a day, if not 2 days, off, as in 'not doing anything' is the way for those tears to heal, which strengthens the muscles. if we would lift every day, those muscles wouldn't heal, and eventually they would become damaged - just the opposite of what we were aiming for.
so, resting, taking a break, giving yourself some time and care is, in actuality, a very important thing to do. it may not look like 'anything' to someone else, but our brains, our minds, and our spirits need that rest for healing, one of the most important 'somethings' we can ever do.
i had that same guilt cuz it didn't look like i was doing something constructive when i would take a nap, but my weight training helped put it in perspective for me. i hope it helps you, too. as w.g. says, we've been mis-taught. the beauty is that we can re-teach ourselves properly and then practice. i'm very proud of you for watching your movies, taking that self-care. :applause: honestly, i think self-care is the best gift we can give ourselves - and, yeah, i know, we don't 'deserve' gifts, :blahblahblah: but, they were wrong. it's more important than anything else to care for ourselves - we're the only ones who are able to do so! hug filled with love and all the care you need :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 18, 2020, 04:33:44 AM
i'm very proud of you for watching your movies, taking that self-care. :applause:
Thank you, San. That means a great deal to me. I appreciate your weight lifting analogy too.
I'm doing a little better today. I was scheduled to go for a walk with friends, which I did. Washed my sheets. Yesterday that task seemed too big. I have Skype therapy in an hour, so hopefully talking about the flashbacks and triggers will help.
Hi Notalone. I want to echo San's words.
Self-care is doing a lot! I think those of us who have cPTSD or PTSD often forget, or don't even know, that self-care is important. That it is doing a lot when you stop up for a moment and take care of your self. It gets easier when you then have to move forward with difficult things, when you remember to stop up once in a while and say "This hurts too much, I need a break. I'm just going to take a long hot shower, do a face mask, eat some pop-corn. Sleep in, get a massage, treat myself to a new haircolour, a new clothing item, a book, watch a movie, listen to music" Whatever it is that you feel helps you, it's important to not neglect it.
Thank you, Sceal. I appreciate your words.
I am really tired right now. I worked today (5 1/2 hours), went to grocery store, made dinner. PLUS all the stuff whirling inside of me is taking it's share of my energy. This week I'm scheduled to work 5 days (3-5 1/2 hours). It feels like too much. It is too much. A reminder that I need to keep my Fridays open to be able to just BE.
Quote from: notalone on March 15, 2020, 07:14:06 PM
I am still catching up with new therapist, telling him memories, etc. I had planned on telling him about another incident of abuse tomorrow, but I am being affected by what I told him last week. I have a literal list of what I need to tell T2 in order to be caught up with where I left off with T1. Of course, that is caught up on information, not on relationship and trust. None of the items on the list is simple--- check off, item told. Some of the things on the list are incidents of abuse that carry a garbage dump's worth of feelings and thoughts. Others are complex, important relationships that are so tangled and full of feeling that they take my breath away. My goal was to be through most of the list by the end of March. I have told him a lot, but there is so much more.
Quote from: notalone on April 01, 2020, 12:57:34 AM
Before covid-19, the plan was for Hope to tell her memory to T this Thursday. Won't do that as long as sessions are not face to face. That would not feel safe or kind, at all.
When virtual therapy sessions did not end at the end of April, but were extended into the entire month of May, it sent me spiraling into feelings of hopelessness and aloneness. Quote from: notalone on April 29, 2020, 10:57:22 PM
When I think about putting words to what is troubling me, it seems ridiculous. Incredibly minor. But, I am falling. Falling down a bottomless canyon. There are branches being held out to me, but they are too far away. I have a branch in my hand, but it is broken. [The branch was getting through April with online therapy.] It did not support my weight and now I am falling. Falling. Falling. There is no stopping the nightmare. It goes on and on and on.
Five year old Hope used to be called, "The girl who was with the four men." About a year ago I named her "Hope." This week she renamed herself "Hopeless."
Falling.
Quote from: notalone on May 01, 2020, 11:12:53 PM
Hope is back to being "Hope" (not "Hopeless"). She hung on through April, waiting to be able to tell her abuse to T in person. Now that won't happen in May (still no contact). Really hard. Just writing that I feel the incredible weight of that burden of holding on day by day. . . then, nope, need to hold on for AT LEAST another 31 days. Heavy, heavy weight.
T talked to Hope about what would help her get through each day. I will try to take a walk with Hope when weather permits. I will try to read a story to her and the other Littles. I started this a bit ago and haven't followed through. I told Hope that every day she could choose a sticker to put in my journal. (Bach, that idea probably came from what you're doing with your Littles.)
The story continues. . .
I thought that when our geographical area began the next phase of covid-19 recovery, that therapy sessions would be in person, in office. T has been very careful not to make any promises, but earlier he did indicate that he thought by that phase we would be face-to-face. I found out yesterday that he will continue with online and not office visits
through AT LEAST THE FIRST TWO WEEKS IN JUNE. I felt like I had my finger nails dug into the wall of a cliff that I have been falling down and he took a rock and smashed my fingers.
This isn't just two weeks more. This is forever. It will never end. Hope will never be able to tell him what happened. Feels like she's stuck in that room being abused over and over. Jo can't tell her stuff on the computer. It isn't safe. She is stuck with her deep shame. Alone with it forever. The others too.
A Part needs to kill Hope without killing Mom Person. Don't know how to do that. Hope does not deserve her doll or stickers.
Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. Probably sounds really stupid and minor. Useless. No end. Ever.
Got through yesterday with xanax and a sleeping pill. Managed to work today. Have to work tomorrow. And inside is chaos, panic, and despair.
Here to let you know I've read and offer hugs :grouphug: It's a really hard time right now, really scary. It will get better. I don't know when. Sending you love and good wishes for peace and cope. :grouphug:
This sounds so very, very tough. It's not hopeless, but I know how overwhelming and massive hopelessness can get. I wish I knew what to say to make this easier. :hug:
Things are certainly feeling overwhelming. But I trust you, and all your parts, to be able to say what they absolutely need to say when they need to say it. I'm in your corner. Here's a gigantic, safe :hug: for you if you want one.
While it can never be truly the same, my heart shares sorrow for what you're feeling, especially the hopeless vibe. Only thing I can say is I've also found that hopeless end feeling more times than I can remember. Yet here I am, which I find surprising, all things considered.
Take great care, friend. I hope this :hug: will somehow perk you up. There's many more :grouphug: where that came from. May you just fall into them as our gift for the precious person you (including Hope) are.
It doesn't sound stupid and minor at all, Notalone. Things at the moment are objectively tough, messy and overwhelming. I hear how hard it is, for you, Hope, Jo and Parts.
I know it feels like forever, but it's not. This will end, and in the meantime, T is trying to keep you physically safe. I hear that getting this news is really tough.
I wonder if it might be possible to communicate what you've written to T? I think he needs to know about the Part who feels that way about Hope. Hope totally deserves her doll, stickers and every kindness.
You're not alone. Here with you, walking beside you. Let's take it one step at a time, and if you find yourself stumbling, I'll be there to support and catch you, as are all the others. You're not alone.
Sending you lots of love and big, big hugs, dear friend. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
Trigger Warning
I need to kill Hope (and probably Jo and others) without killing Mom-Person. Does anyone know how to do that? If you do, please tell me. Please, please help me. I don't know how to do it and keep Mom-Person alive. Please help.
I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I know it's hard. I don't know what to say that will help you feel better, but please know that I care.
Notalone, I know it's hard. Would it help if I put a soft blanket round your shoulders? Can I bring you a cup of tea? I'll sit with you, if that helps, and offer hugs.
:grouphug:
my dear notalone, and all parts of you,
i can only say my heart swells with compassion for all you are going through. this is the toughest time in history i've ever witnessed, and nothing about our feelings, despair, hopelessness is stupid or invalid. this crisis hits us at so many levels, it can feel devastating. i know hope has been waiting a long time to tell your T her story, and for someone young, time doesn't have the same meaning at all. 2 days, let alone 2 weeks can seem like forever.
when my d was young, there was a half-hour show that we watched called 'fraggle rock'. she couldn't understand the concept of 'your father will be home in an hour' because she didn't know what that meant. when i told her he would be home in 2 fraggle rocks, her eyes lit up. she knew the length of one show, knew that it ended in a certain amount of time, and then the idea of 2 fraggle rocks made sense - she knew she could wait that long and it wasn't forever.
notalone, is there any sort of time frame you can find for hope to make this all seem less hopeless? less eternal? something you can count down, maybe make a chart for? just some thoughts that came to mind. like when trapped people make marks on the wall each sunset or so to give them a sense of time where they have none.
to hope and all other parts, i'm sorry, but i can't help with killing. perhaps some parts will fade away when they're not needed anymore. that's happened to me just lately, but differently because it involved my oldest daughter. she wasn't who i believed she was, and the part of her that was innocent sprouted angel wings and flew away to a peaceful place. the other part of her lives somewhere else, but not within me anymore. i don't know if that makes sense, but it was a relief for me. i hope you can find some relief, too.
sending love and hugs to you all. we're here with you. :grouphug:
Instead of killing parts, can they maybe just go to sleep for a while, until you can see T in person? Or maybe just go to sleep until you can talk to T again and tell him what's been happening, and have him help with this?
Hi Part :wave: I don't know how to kill parts but sometimes I can make them go away by making up a little story about someplace nice they could be with someone they know is safe. Then they won't bother me for a while. If I don't have a story and I need them to leave me alone sometimes I can think about an interesting word to see what other words or sounds are in it, or see what it spells backwards and they leave me alone because they don't know how to play with words.
I would like to respond to each of you, but I'm just not able to right now. Please know that your suggestions, compassion, and hugs are very meaningful to me. I don't feel completely alone and that is a very big deal.
The world is still spinning and the waves are high. I took a second xanax because it is all too much. I've spent a great deal of the day feeling frozen. I try to move, but it takes a long time before I'm able to get up to do a small task. Then back to frozen.
sending a warm blanket your way l&h
Thinking of you, Notalone. :grouphug:
Notalone, I don't know what to say. I read your last few entries and I am sitting here with tears going down my face. I know it feels hopeless, but remember that tomorrow never comes. That is because, every day, there is a new tomorrow. One day that tomorrow will be today, and you will feel better. I promise. :hug:
:hug:
:hug: sending lots of support and hugs, notalone :hug:
Quote from: notalone on May 24, 2020, 01:21:09 PM
Trigger Warning
I need to kill Hope (and probably Jo and others) without killing Mom-Person. Does anyone know how to do that? If you do, please tell me. Please, please help me. I don't know how to do it and keep Mom-Person alive. Please help.
The Part who wrote the above, read a letter to T that she had written to him. I just finished session so I need to catch my breath, but I want to let you know that she is doing better, i.e. not feeling so desperate and helpless. I still need to process what happened in the session, but you have all been such amazing and caring support to me, I wanted to give you a quick update.
glad your session helped, my dear. love and hugs :hug:
Oh that's great news! I'm so pleased. :grouphug:
:grouphug:
Bach, Owl25, Three Roses, Woodsgnome, Snowdrop, San, Jazzy, Marta,
My heart is full of warmth and thankfulness for each of you. The last week I've felt so desperate. Your words of kindness, compassion, and advice have touched me deeply.
Yesterday a Part told T a fear and a memory that were making online therapy feel unsafe and hopeless. He addressed the fear and gave her strong reassurances. The fear existed before covid, but online therapy magnified the fear. His reassurances about it is hugely significant to me and I believe his response will make a difference in many ways. We just touched on the memory and it was heard and believed (believed more by T than by me TBH). Being known, not being alone in it, makes a difference.
As incredibly difficult as this week was, the positive results:
An important Part became known to me and to Therapist
A big fear told to T and he reassured us
A new memory briefly told to T.
Good for you, and your parts, and your T for that matter. It just seems so great to have finally seen some hopeful signs coming from this. And in a surprising way -- for me, it's often been the surprises that can change a slight step forward into an unexpected leap. I know so well how many times I've thrown in the towel, and then poof -- a surprise emerges to help out.
Here's to your recent good vibes; may they be harbingers for more hard-won progress to emerge. It's still tough, and we will support you -- all the way every day.
:hug:
Glad that you were able to bring that up and move forward with it. :applause:
That sounds really promising. Well done to the Part for sharing the fear and memory. I'm glad she received such strong reassurances. I can imagine what a relief it must be for her. I'm so pleased for you, Notalone. :grouphug:
That is wonderful news, notalone. I am so glad things have shifted for you and a really helpful and meaningful way. :hug:
Woodsgnome, Quote from: woodsgnome on May 28, 2020, 11:21:49 PM
for me, it's often been the surprises that can change a slight step forward into an unexpected leap. I know so well how many times I've thrown in the towel, and then poof -- a surprise emerges to help out.
That is so true. Thanks for your support. :hug:
Jazzy, Snowdrop, & Owl,Thank you. :grouphug:
Hope (5) wants to send all of you some stickers.
:wave: :party: :hug: :bighug: :rundog:
:fireworks:
👌👍😉🐮🦄🐭🐼🦋🐦🐉
Thanks, Three Roses. ;D How did you do that? We only know how to use the pictures above.
I am afraid to go to bed. Last night, even though we took a pill, we couldn't sleep. It wasn't just not sleeping. It was feeling scared. There's more, but it belongs to another Little, so I'm not allowed to say.
I want to curl on the floor with my doll and sleep that way. The H is here, so I can't.
From,
Hope
Overall, it was a good day. I vacuumed the floors. I enjoyed some time with my son. I cleaned out my camper. I was aware in the early afternoon that I was doing a lot and did not feel like I needed to crash. By mid afternoon I started feeling the need to "hide away." The need wasn't strong and I had someone that I was needing to talk to, so I was able to do that.
Now I am feeling things weighing on me. Part of that is what is on the news. I think some of the Littles are afraid of the anger. Violence. The tension of possible violence. Things are out of control.
Notalone, you just brought tears to my eyes. I thought I was the only one thinking and feeling like this about the news. The looting and violence has scared me so much, and it just brings me back to childhood when fear was put on me so I'd give things up.
I wanted to bring you a hug, for you and the littles, and Hope, and how better you're feeling. I hope it's ok :hug:
:hug: :grouphug:
:hug: to you and your parts Notalone.
Hope :)
Marta, Bach, and Hope,
Thank you for your hugs and support.
My nerves are on edge. I feel angry. I've had a bad headache for the last two days. ahhhhh
I am doing better today. Jo (11) talked to T and maybe some of the feelings from yesterday were in anticipation of that.
Glad you're doing better and managed that talk!
I'm glad you are feeling better and that Jo got to talk to T. :thumbup:
That's good about Jo. :hug:
My employer has been asking me to work on Fridays. I normally do not, but I agreed to work on Fridays in April and I did one Friday in May. I realize I really need that day to just be and also time for the Littles. I've been telling work no for Fridays.
This morning I got a message from a former coworker (different job). They are looking for someone full-time. I'd be working with people I've had a good working relationship with in the past. But right now, a five hour shift is taxing. Plus I have therapy sessions two days a week. My T's schedule is limited. So I said 'no thank you.' If I had a physical illness and had to take time to go to the doctor and then time to recover from treatment, I would do that. The treatment and recovery that I need is not due to something physical, it's because of what others did to me. All this damage did not have to happen. The person I am now is only a small percent of the capable person they used to work with. I still pull off "competent" with my current job, but it is part-time and it takes a lot out of me.
Today I journaled Jo's session with T. Just her stuff alone is so much and so confusing and complex. And that is just one part of the abuse. It is all so much.
I did a lot of errands and chores today, and there is still a lot I need to do. Some of it is in the "must" category. Even with all that, my house is a mess. I don't need super clean by any stretch, but messy and dirty weighs on me. I'm trying to take one thing at a time, but am feeling overwhelmed. I decided to take a break and spend a little time in my OOTS oasis.
A positive note, while I was writing this my H came home. I shared the job situation with him and he was supportive and said I made the right decision.
notalone, how wonderful that you were able to understand what you need and to recognise that your needs are important. You were fair to yourself and the Parts, and made a decision based on kindness and self-care. I'm so proud of you! :applause: :hug: :grouphug:
This sounds like really good self-care notalone, you made the right decision. Some day you'll be able to take on more again, but right now is the time to focus on you and your health. Glad your husband is supportive too :cheer:
Bach and Owl, I felt like I was making a decision that would just keep my head above the water. Your comments made me feel more positive. Like my decision about the job and Fridays wasn't just survival, it was a step of progress.
:hug: hi notalone I'm sure you weighed your options well and made the best decision for right now. :hug:
Thank you, Tee. It is great to hear from you.
Hi Notalone,
I just read what you wrote about Fridays, and I admire the fact you asserted your boundaries, and said what you needed. It's great self-care, and definitely a step of progress. :hug:
Hope :)
You definitely made the right decision, Notalone. It was a kindness to you and your parts. Well done. :hug:
Hope & Snowdrop, your affirmation is helpful. I am continuing to need to be assertive and say no to working more. Internally I battle to do what is kind to myself and my Littles and to do so without feeling guilty.
There was more I was going to write, but Part is resistant, so I will hold off.
Getting through the evening with icecream. . . xanax. . . icecream. . . wine. . . icecream. Yep, all that. Oh yeah, a bunch of candy too.
I have stuff--awful stuff-- that I need to tell my therapist. I need to tell him IN PERSON, not this internet garbage. If I knew it would end, that there would be a time when I will see him in person again, I could hold on. But I keep hoping, then no; hoping, then no. I can't keep doing this. It seems a minor thing. Why does it make me feel so crazy? I feel like I am going to be left alone with all this bad stuff, forever alone with it. I can't think clearly. Can't just say, "how do I make the best of this?" It makes me feel C R A Z Y. Why can't I just deal with this?
Spent the morning curled in a ball on my bed, back against the headboard. Everything is whirling around. Every noise goes through me like an icicle. Frozen. Useless.
I'm sorry, Notalone. You're not useless. I know it feels like this is going on forever, but it will end. It will. Hang in there, dear friend.
Sending you lots of love, hugs and soft blanket. :grouphug:
Snowdrop, thank you for your care. Your love, hugs and blanket help. I appreciate hearing this will end. In truth, it is hard for me to believe that.
I am in a better place now. The distress of online therapy is still with me, but I am not overwhelmed by it right now.
Hey notalone, it's so good to hear you're in a better place than yesterday. I second Snowdrop in saying that this will end. :hug:
Glad you're doing better, notalone.
Pleased to hear it, Notalone. :grouphug:
Here with you with empathy and understanding, and admiration for you besieged but indomitable spirit. Lots of love and hugs :hug: :grouphug:
Blueberry, Owl, Snowdrop, Bach; you are each so wonderful. I am grateful to have you in my life.
Big hugs, notalone :bighug:
:hug: notalone I'm sorry your struggling with tellA health Therapy. I refused and pleaded to go see my T luckily she was able to keep a few clients face to face. I did have to miss a few weeks which was hard cause of covid but I totally get it this is a hard time for everyone. Big hug. :hug: I'm glad your doing better it should start to get back to normal for things like counseling and things soon. Hang in there here with you.
Thanks Owl & Tee. Tee, I'm glad you are able to see your T face to face.
This morning I had flashbacks, a new memory. Maybe. Like usual, I don't believe it, at least not completely. I told the Part to write it down. (I normally do not write details of abuse down, even in my journal.) She did and then emailed it to therapist. She was going to burn the paper, but my daughter was outside. Right now I feel too tired to walk down the stairs. I see (skype) therapist tomorrow.
I did reach out to friends and told them I had a flashback this morning. I also worked on a project, which didn't work out due to a faulty product, but the point is that I wasn't in a collapsed state all day.
Now I am starting to crash. Maybe will binge T.V. with husband. Starting to tell myself "I should" and to feel guilt, which is not a good sign. I need to remember to try to be kind to myself.
I'm sorry about the flashbacks :hug:. I'm glad you were able to reach out to friends, also well done with working on a project afterwards and not collapsing for the day. Please remember that you deserve gentleness and kindness.
I hope your session goes well. Thinking of you, and sending you love and hugs. :grouphug:
I hate "should". I think it all the time, I "should" this, I "should" that. A big pile of SHOULD.
Please do try to be kind to yourself. You are doing so much. I think a lot of us burden ourselves unnecessarily with a feeling that no matter what we do it will not be enough. That's a lie that the abusers who still live in our heads tell us. So let me tell you: You are good. You are enough. :hug: :grouphug:
I hope that you're able to be kind to yourself, and I'd like to send you a supportive hug :hug: I hope your session with your T goes ok, and thinking of you.
Hope :)
:hug: yes my sweet friend be kind to yourself. Memories and flashbacks beat us up enough to add to it. Rest and be kind get a cup of whatever you enjoy most and just rest for a while. Good luck with you T. :grouphug:
Snowdrop, Bach, Hope, & Tee: Thank you so much for your kindness. I listened to the encouragement of your words and felt the warmth of your hugs. Hugs back to you. :grouphug:
Again, I find myself starting to write something and then I don't feel safe. :spooked: I will respect that feeling and not share some things right now.
After my therapy session, I called a friend, who knows about my DID. She came over and rubbed my (a Part's) back for awhile. It was good to receive that love and nurturing. (May I say, good for me for calling her and asking her for what I needed?)
I have a lot to process from my session. I have a bad headache (not unusual) so I took some tylenol pm. I'm going to curl up with my bear and try to focus on the care I received today from T and friend.
QuoteMay I say, good for me for calling her and asking her for what I needed?
Yes! It's great that you did that. Your friend sounds wonderful. :grouphug:
Thanks, Snowdrop.
I am feeling tired right now. I worked 5 1/2 hours, got gas, got a few groceries. Also told work no to working more hours on Saturday then I am already scheduled. That is really hard for me, and especially difficult today as the guilt wants to seep in.
Telling T the new memory yesterday has taken a lot out of me. I just want to crash and be nurtured. To think and process. I have things I need to do tonight or I'll be more stressed tomorrow. Yesterday was significant.
Hugs :hug: :hug: hope you can rest. Take care of yourself.
Hi Notalone,
Really hope that you're able to get the rest you need, and sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
So glad to find you had a good sharing with T and a worthwhile visit from your understanding friend. Mostly it's the self-care that I appreciate your being able to share a bit about.
Self-care can be deceptively hard sometimes, so it's admirable to read of times when it happens.
:hug:
Tee, Hope, Woodsgnome; thank you for your comments and your hugs. I am feeling very vulnerable and the care is greatly appreciated.
I have so much going on, stemming from the memory that I told T on Monday. I just sat staring at the computer screen for five minutes. Maybe if I just write words, as opposed to sentences, because I feel very disconnected and fragmented.
disbelieving sick afraid terrified incredulous humiliated sad alone needy
shamed confused heard believed raw vulnerable hurt pain
used disgusted dizzy shaky physical memories fixated young images
notalone, thank you for sharing these with us in the way you could. That's self-care. I also read that there's an awful lot going on internally. I'm sending support :hug:
When I read those words it feels like swirling waters. Lots going on, and I can imagine how vulnerable you must feel.
I'm glad that "heard" and "believed" are in there. That must mean so much to the brave 12 year old.
Sending you much love, and a big, safe hug of support. :grouphug:
Blueberry & Snowdrop, :grouphug: Thank you for hearing and seeing me.
:hug: your fragmented words speak straight to my Littles. It's so hard diving into memories of the past to try to heal. You are so brave to share your journey. Big hugs full of understanding, compassion love empathy And friendship!!! :hug:
Hugs and compassion back to you, Tee.
Tomorrow I plan on telling T a memory that I told to someone else 13 months ago and I was not fully believed. Not being believed sent me into a fall into an endless pit. I am scared.
:hug:
I offer love and support and admiration for your willingness to do the hard work towards healing. Many hugs to you :hug: :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
Thinking of you, Notalone. :grouphug:
Tee, Bach, Snowdrop: your support is felt and appreciated.
He believed me.
I'm glad it went well! :hug:
Not Alone: "He believed me." :thumbup: Thanks for sharing here -- I hope it feels good, validating, and well worth it ... good for you. :hug:
Well done for sharing the memory. I can imagine the relief and validation. :grouphug:
Tee, Woodsgnome, Snowdrop; thank you. Yes, T believing me was very validating.
I don't want to go to work today. I want to curl up into a ball and . . . that's all. I just want to curl up into a ball.
:hug:I know that feeling. I give you a big hug of encouragement and sit with you if that helps holding your hands to let you know I'm there. :hug:
Thank you, Tee. I was able to read your response before I left for work and it gave me comfort. Eight hours after I posted above, I was able to spend about 90 minutes under my weighted blanket. Still feeling on edge of panic.
It will be ok, Notalone. Sending you big hugs. :grouphug:
:cheer: :applause: you It made through the day though! Big hugs :hug: try to relax. Have a good night handing you a cup of tea☕️ For you to sip on hope it helps. :hug:
I am still doing therapy via Skype. There are some issues that I haven't talked about because it feels very distressing to talk about on Skype.
Quote from: notalone on June 12, 2020, 03:23:27 AM
I have stuff--awful stuff-- that I need to tell my therapist. I need to tell him IN PERSON, not this internet garbage. If I knew it would end, that there would be a time when I will see him in person again, I could hold on. But I keep hoping, then no; hoping, then no. I can't keep doing this. It seems a minor thing. Why does it make me feel so crazy? I feel like I am going to be left alone with all this bad stuff, forever alone with it. I can't think clearly. Can't just say, "how do I make the best of this?" It makes me feel C R A Z Y. Why can't I just deal with this?
Before today's session I was feeling distressed because I was planning to talk about Skype therapy, how much longer, etc. The other times we talked about it, I went spiraling into an abyss. I was afraid that I was going to be a mess after session.
I have told T some really horrible memories via Skype. For some reason, there are some other traumas that I'm terrified of discussing on Skype. We talked about that today in session, trying to figure out why it is so distressful. Although not a complete answer, there were a couple of thoughts that seemed significant. I appreciate that my T is asking questions, curious, patient, caring. I also am grateful that he respects my fear and isn't pushing me to talk. Relieved that I'm not a basket case tonight.
:hug: :grouphug:
:hug:
I'm glad you were better after this session, I can imagine the relief. Finding significant thoughts is progress. I'm glad your T is showing such kindness. :grouphug:
Thank you Bach, Tee, & Snowdrop. :grouphug:
since i've been away, i don't really know what's going on w/ you, but i want you to know it sounds like you're doing ok for the moment, and i'm glad of that. thinking of you, even when i'm not here. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, San. I know you've been going through a rough time. Love and hugs to you. :hug:
Today I have spent a great deal of time just BEING. I also did a lot of being mom and some cleaning. I really needed this day to just breathe, journal, think, etc. Even the thought of watching a movie or t.v. seems unappealing. I unexpectedly have today and tomorrow off work. I didn't know how much I needed some time to not have the pressure to "be on." I'm sitting in my patio, enjoying the cushions that I sewed covers for, have candles burning, gentle lights above and the sound of rain on the roof.
Here's a nod to your appreciation for the importance of just Being, especially in a world so taken with always Doing. I hope you can always find ways to relax into your essential Being.
:hug:
Hi. This is Hope. I am 5 in case you don't know me. I wanted to text my friends, but Not Alone said it was too late, even grown-ups are sleeping. I am awake. Harriet is asleep. She's my pretty doll. My friend, S., gave her to me. I just finished putting stickers in Not Alone's journal to make it pretty. She likes that. I get to sleep with Harriet tonight because NA's husband is not home. Not Alone is typing for me because I know how to write my name, but I can't write very many words. I'm only five. I want to call one of my friends on the phone and talk. I wish there was a way to know if someone is awake without waking them up to find out. :doh: Not Alone said I can talk to all of you because if you are asleep this won't wake you up. She said it is all different times where some of you are. How can that be true?
Our therapist is not here this week. I don't know where he is. No one asked him. I made a picture for him with crayons and stickers. Not Alone took a picture of it and sent it to him. I don't like it when he's not here. Even though lots of times I don't see him; another Little or NA does, I still like to know he is around. It makes me feel safer.
I'm getting tired now. Good night. :grouphug: :zzz:
i am still awake. :aaauuugh:
i hope by now you are in the middle of a restful sleep. here's a blanket of safety and comfort for you. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Hope! :wave:
I hope you were able to get to sleep next to Harriet. She sounds lovely.
Your therapist will be back soon. I'm sure he'll love the picture you made for him.
Notalone, I love the sound of your day just Being. I hope you're able to Be today as well.
:grouphug:
:hug:
Thank you, Woodsgnome.
Thank you, San. Hope fell asleep pretty quickly after her last message.
Snowdrop,Your words about Harriet and assurance that T will like Hope's picture, made her heart glad. I am able to Be today too. Spending some of my time processing last few sessions. Did some art therapy also.
Big hug to you, Bach and all Littles. :grouphug:
I don't work very much each week; 15-20 hours, 3-6 hour shifts, 3-4 days a week. This week I ended up only working one day.
Quote from: notalone on July 08, 2020, 02:19:52 AM
Today I have spent a great deal of time just BEING. I also did a lot of being mom and some cleaning. I really needed this day to just breathe, journal, think, etc. Even the thought of watching a movie or t.v. seems unappealing. I unexpectedly have today and tomorrow off work. I didn't know how much I needed some time to not have the pressure to "be on." I'm sitting in my patio, enjoying the cushions that I sewed covers for, have candles burning, gentle lights above and the sound of rain on the roof.
Even though my job is pretty easy, the two days off this week showed me how stressful being "on" for work is to me. Even when I only work 4-5 hours, I feel exhausted when I get home.
Also, on Thursdays when I have therapy, I changed my schedule in February so that I could go from work to therapy. Now with covid and online therapy, instead of the 15 minute drive to my T's office, I am racing home for online therapy. That has been really stressful. It is over 30 minutes from work to home. I only have 30 minutes. With more people on the road and construction, that race is getting even more stressful. This is more of a minor issue as I could try to change therapy time (when first made appointments there wasn't anything), or change work schedule again.
I'm thinking of lowering my schedule to 2-3 days a week, 10-15 hours. I know that's not very much. (Now I'm fighting the "I should be able to do more.")
I haven't talked to my husband about this yet.
Please don't "I should be able to..." yourself. You do what you can and there is no "should" other than "be good to yourself" or "be gentle with yourself" or "give yourself the benefit of the doubt." That's what you need more than anything. :hug: :grouphug:
I can imagine how stressful being "on" for work is. No wonder it's exhausting. Having to get home in that time for therapy sounds extra stressful. I know that if it was me, various parts would be getting agitated on the journey home, and might not settle before therapy.
There have been times when I've lowered my work schedule by a day in order to reduce my stress levels. I have found this very healing, particularly when I make sure I spend the extra day on self-care so that it doesn't get absorbed by the rest of the week.
Quote from: Bach on July 10, 2020, 03:00:52 AM
"be gentle with yourself"
Thank you, Bach. I do need that reminder. In some situations I am more able to be gentle with myself than others. I need to process that more.
Quote from: Snowdrop on July 10, 2020, 05:16:26 AM
Having to get home in that time for therapy sounds extra stressful. I know that if it was me, various parts would be getting agitated on the journey home, and might not settle before therapy.
Definitely. All the Parts who are around are very anxious about getting home in time. When I connect with T I have just walked in the door and my mind is racing with work and the commute home. It is hard to think and to make the shift to dealing with my issues.
Thank you for sharing that you have lowered your work schedule and that you have found that healing.
I talked to my husband about not working on Thursdays. He was okay with that. I sent an email to work. Hopefully there won't be any problems. I don't anticipate any. I feel a weight lifted.
:hug:
:hug:
Hi Notalone,
Sending you a hug. :hug:
Hope :)
Tee, San, & Hope, thank you. Hugs to you too. :grouphug:
A lot of internal shakiness tonight. That's not unusual for me, but really strong tonight. Many of the Littles are feeling things and trying to process. Long time negative beliefs about myself are being challenged, which is good, but still disruptive.
yeah, that stuff is disruptive, even disturbing at times. sending a hug filled w/ love and patience as this stuff gets processed. :hug:
:hug:
:grouphug:
:grouphug:
San, Bach, Snowdrop, Hope: I appreciate your care. :grouphug:
I sat staring at this screen for awhile, trying to figure out how to summarize what has been going on with me. I have lots of Littles who need care and need to be heard. For many that process has at least begun. I still have some issues that I feel that need to be addressed in face to face therapy. At present my therapy is via internet. I'm actually surprised at the number of sensitive issues and dark memories that I have told my T via internet.
I have times that are very difficult. Even tonight, one of my Parts spent a long time, lying frozen, on the bed, jumping back and forth between now and childhood. Living with the memories is hard. Struggling to view the abuse through another lens, is slow, hard work. It has been quite awhile since I fell into deep, dark hopelessness. For that I am grateful.
I am no longer working on Thursdays. An extra day off and not having to rush home to get to my online therapy session on time, has eased some stress. I still have to remind myself that I don't have to rush through traffic to get to therapy on time. That I still feel that stress in my body tells me how incredible difficult that was for me.
I try not to look at all the stuff I have to deal with. It gets overwhelming. Baby steps.
baby steps, indeed. and, don't forget all that you've already accomplished - to not have gone into that dark place for a while counts for a lot. love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
:hug: sending you a gentle hug notalone and lots of support :hug: you've done so much, just like San said :)
Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 03, 2020, 04:06:31 AM
to not have gone into that dark place for a while counts for a lot.
For sure. Thanks, San. :hug:
Marta, thank you for your support. :hug: for you.
Trigger Warning (dental)
I went to the dentist today. Last time I went was six years ago. Overall, somewhat distressing. There were two moments when the panic erupted within. (I started writing about those, but am being stopped from writing details.) I used my grounding and visualizing safe places. It was distressing, but could have been much worse. The staff were kind, which helped. I was able to go out for breakfast with my son afterward, and not just go home and curl up into a ball.
Well done, Notalone :applause:. I hear you when you say it was distressing, but you went, and you got through it. I'm so glad the staff were kind, and your grounding and safe places helped.
I'm also glad that you've not gone into that deep, dark place for quite a while. That's a big deal.
:grouphug:
That's great, notalone, you did so well! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Thanks, Snowdrop & Blueberry. :grouphug:
:cheer: :hug:
Thanks, San. :hug:
I had a basket in my bedroom, where I put books, etc. It became a dumping ground, so it was full of a lot of stuff. It has been on my mind to go through the basket and get it out of my room. I finally attacked it today. Of course, then I needed to clear a bookshelf to put a few things from the basket, and clean a space in the closet for a box. . . If you give a mouse a cookie. . . . There are now several boxes & drawers in my mind that needed to be weeded out :blink:. But, the basket is empty and out of my room! :cheer:
I had several journals in the basket. I've been meaning to collect all my journals into a box and put them in my closet with a note on top saying to burn the journals when I die. (Hope, if you are reading this, thank you. Your note in your journal helped me to get a start on this.) I still have drawers and boxes to dig through for older journals, but the journals from the basket are in a box with a note on top. To be honest, a little part of me wants my children to find the journals and read them and realize how much I have gone through. The biggest part of me doesn't want them to feel that they need to take care of me. Not sure if that makes sense.
My Little, Hope (5), spent a bit of time on the bed with her doll. Hope is feeling needy and vulnerable. She was crying with therapist this week and a protector Part came and told therapist to stop talking to Hope. She really needs to see therapist in person, but who knows when that will happen.
H and I are meeting another couple for dinner. I'm sure I will have a nice time, but being social and mostly surface takes a lot of energy.
Hi Notalone,
It's great that you've tackled that basket of things, and also that you did so much more than that too - :cheer: It made sense to me what you wrote about different parts of you having different thoughts and feelings about the journals, it makes a lot of sense.
Glad that Little Hope enjoyed time on the bed with her doll.
I hope that you enjoy the dinner with the other couple and sending you a hug :hug:
I would also like to thank you for what you said to me in my Journal yesterday, because it made me feel understood and validated, and I really appreciated your support. It means a lot. Thank you. :hug:
I bet it feels good to have that empty basket - I have one that is full of things too, and now I'm thinking of tackling mine.
:hug:
Hope :)
Hope, thank you for your kind, thoughtful response.
I'm wrestling. I have an issue that is rather consuming. I don't want to tell T via teletherapy. I really don't want to tell him at all, but especially not online. The issue is getting worse. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. :'(
That is a tough spot to be in and sounds really difficult. I am sending you whatever it is you need this moment.
Rainydiary, I greatly appreciate your support.
I did not tell T what the issue is, but I told him there is an issue that, for now, I can't talk about online. He heard me. It helps that he knows that I am carrying something that I can't share right now. Even that makes me feel less alone with it.
That sounds like a good way of approaching it. I'm glad he heard you, and you feel less alone with it. :grouphug:
Hi Notalone,
Just wanted to send you a hug. :hug: Also to say that I'm glad you were able to tell your T that there's an issue that you can't talk about online, and that he heard you. It's good that you're feeling less alone with that.
Hope :)
Getting through the day with xanax and T.V.
I hear that! Although for me it's mostly CBD.
Sending you much love, dear notalone :bighug: :hug: :grouphug:
HI Notalone, I also hear you, and sending you love and hugs too. :hug:
Hope :)
:hug:
Bach, Hope, Tee, & others:
Thank you for your care. Still having a hard time, but I'm okay. Work was fine, but felt like bees in my head. I had an hour after work to curl up on my floor, which comforted me. I work again tomorrow. Needing to see my T. Thursday. Adult me is in distress and my Littles are all upset.
:hug: hugs to all I understand.
:hug: sending hugs to you notalone and your parts. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Sending a blanket your way (if it's ok) :hug:
I hear you, Notalone. Can I bring you a cup of tea, and perhaps put a soft blanket round your shoulders? :grouphug:
sending love to you, tee, and a hug filled with caring :hug: hope you can settle a bit after you see your t.
Tee, Marta, Snowdrop, & San: I'm so grateful for your support. It means so much to me. I am feeling the care and kindness in your blankets, tea, and hugs.
The current situation is one where a major decision was made that affects me greatly and in many areas. I felt like I had very little say and no control. I'm looking into what options are available. Still real limited control and say, but taking what control that I can. There is a whole lot more behind all this, but that is a shadow of what I am walking through right now.
I am looking forward to seeing (online) my therapist tomorrow. He has been away, so it has been 10 days. All the current craziness needs to be discussed. Added to that, the Littles are very distraught and also just feeling needy.
Breathe.
:hug: I feel the same out of control. Hugs I hope things get better soon for us all. :hug:
Quote from: notalone on October 01, 2020, 12:57:35 AM
The current situation is one where a major decision was made that affects me greatly and in many areas. I felt like I had very little say and no control. I'm looking into what options are available. Still real limited control and say, but taking what control that I can.
This morning I sent an email to someone, hoping for some answers to my situation.
On two nights this week, I've had two new Littles show up. To me the timing seems weird, considering I'm in the middle of an "adult" real-time serious situation.
Sending that email sounds very proactive, Notalone.
QuoteOn two nights this week, I've had two new Littles show up. To me the timing seems weird, considering I'm in the middle of an "adult" real-time serious situation.
Sometimes I get new parts showing up
because I'm in the middle of a real-time serious situation. I think something about it activates them, so they start making themselves known.
I hope it goes well with your therapist. :grouphug:
Thank you, Snowdrop. Feeling your support just before going into therapy session. Thanks for sharing that you have new parts that sometimes show up during those times. Helps me not to feel so wacky.
:hug:
Hugging you back, San. :hug:
I felt understood and validated by my therapist, regarding current situation. Someone replied to the email that I sent this morning, but only that they forwarded it to the correct person. I don't know who that is, so feeling the loss of control again. I hope that person contacts me tomorrow. I also have a phone call appointment with someone tomorrow. Hopefully I can ask the right questions and get some clear answers. The whole issue is out of my league.
Hope (5 year old Little) spent some time with T, not talking about issues, just connecting. That was good and needed. After my session I visited a friend. She knows Hope and Hope had her doll and friend read Hope a couple of stories. That nurturing time was very needed and appreciated.
Hi Notalone,
It's great that you felt understood and validated by your therapist regarding the current situation. I also think it's great that Hope spent some time with your T connecting. Your friend reading the stories to Hope, that is so lovely and I'm glad she enjoyed them.
I came over here today to your Journal, because I wanted to thank you for something you'd said to someone else (elsewhere in the forum) that was about mentioning what kind of car you drive, as a way to get the brain back online and out of an EF - because I was able to use it last night, and it really helped me. So I wanted to thank you for sharing that information - thank you. :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, Thank you for taking the time to let me know that what I had written was helpful. It inspired me to find the article that I had read. I started a separate post. https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13823.0
My phone call appointment today was helpful. I understood most of what the person said and she answered my questions clearly and without making me feel like I was stupid. Now the ball is back in someone else's court, and I will need to wait for responses and decisions. After the phone call I broke down in tears; the stress of the situation has been so much. I still feel the waves of anxiety about this issue, but at least I'm not free falling any more.
:grouphug:
I am in a emotional pain. I went for a walk with friends this morning. My pain leaking out in my words in general and probably over sharing with a couple of people. Not beating myself up for that too much. Came home from walk and saw that one of the kids had brought home a box of donuts. I ate two. So much for trying to loose weight. Trying to soothe my pain.
There are people in my life for whom the following words do not apply. I am very grateful for them and for their care and acceptance of me. In a very significant relationship in my life, I am feeling the following, which also hooks into FOO.
ALONE
UNKNOWN
UNWANTED
HURT
REJECTED
UNWORTHY
UNSEEN
BLAMED
BLAMED
I know I wrote "blamed" twice. Once didn't seem adequate. Thanks for listening.
truly ugly feelings to feel, dear notalone. so very sorry they're there. i wish i could do or say something that would make them not true. all i can do is send you love and a hug filled with compassion :hug: i wish i could make them go away.
:hug:
I'm sorry, Notalone. I hear you. :grouphug:
Thank you San, Bach, and Snowdrop, for hearing and caring.
I've haven't read here for a while notalone. I'm sorry that you're feeling these terrible emotions. :hug: :hug: :bighug:
Thank you, Blueberry. :hug:
Notalone, I appreciate you sharing your story of a therapeutic relationship transitioning. I feel your experience in my heart and belly, I am thinking of you as you navigate this change.
Thank you, Rainydiary. To clarify, current situation that I'm struggling in involves a family member.
Yesterday in therapy session I talked about situation with previous therapist that happened 10 months ago. I posted about it, and many of you were a great support and help to me. The wounds have never really healed. The fear of "breaking the rules" has come up with current therapist, as it relates to the past experience. After 10 months, I was finally able to look at my notes & in my journal that I had written in that time period. In trying to put it all together and make sense of it all, I made an "art therapy" about words and thoughts. The picture is a messy scramble of former T's words, my thoughts and beliefs, and thoughts and beliefs of some of my Littles. It all still feels like a really big mess, in my thoughts and feelings. Maybe current T can continue to help me sort through it.
As I was looking through my notes, I was reminded of previous therapist's care for me. My question to myself: Can I allow his care even though he's not perfect? Can I allow his care even though he saw and accepted some of his part in what happened, but not as much as I think is his to hold? To clarify; we are not in contact with each other. A couple of my Littles sent him notes/pictures twice since leaving his practice, which we had permission to do. He has not responded, nor do I expect him to respond.
The devastating feeling of being thrown away remains. It runs to the core of my being.
While I was trying to put the thoughts and words about this onto one page, one of my Littles felt compelled to write on another piece of paper: "Grown-ups make the rules. If you break the rules. . . something bad happens. Grown-ups can change the rules. Sometimes there are secret rules, but you better not break them."
Confusion. Complexity. Pain. Care. Compassion.
i think your little was right on the money with the experience you faced. as children, we don't have the same power as grown-ups. as clients, we don't have the same power as a clinician. however, as adults, we do have the power to end the clinical experience, where we didn't have that same power when we were kids. it's when we can't find our adult part in our adult relationships that trouble occurs. this is all my opinion, and if you don't agree, or it doesn't feel right for you, notalone, please ignore.
as far as your questions about the previous t, i think you can take what was helpful, and leave the rest behind. that may be an empowerment move for you now, since you're not in that relationship anymore. that's something that just came to my mind as a mental picture of my narc t flashed thru my brain. something for me to resolve in the future. i've wanted to shovel all of her and our relationship into the coal bin, because to admit that i may have learned something helpful seemed to give her something positive in my life, and i didn't want any of that. any of her.
so, thanks for posting about this. it unblocked something for me, and i appreciate that. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
:hug: I agree with San take the things the previous T help you with and walk away from the rest. Keep moving forward. You are making progress and took control of the bad situation which is huge. :applause:
So don't discount all of the hard work you did. Use that as a stepping stone with your new T. :hug:
Thank you, San & Tee. I appreciate your words. I still struggle with black or white thinking. However, no person is all good or all bad (although I may have encountered "all bad.") Therapists are people too and there are no perfect therapists. The previous T is not the first T that has been the cause of deep pain, which only adds to the complexity. So, I'm working on honoring the good that was in that therapeutic relationship and feeling the pain and working through the messages and internal processes in the painful interactions.
here to support you all the way as you seek resolution with this, notalone. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Notalone,
You have put a lot into the Art Therapy piece that you described with the words and thoughts. I really hope that you can receive the careful consideration of all those things in your work with your current T, and I also want to send you love and hugs, as you embark on this process that you're describing :hug:
Hope :)
San & Hope, Thank you for your support.
It's been a couple of weeks since I added to my journal. I don't feel like writing any details right now. Still seeing T 2x a week, working a bit, dealing with present day relationships.
Thinking of you and sending care and warm thoughts :hug:
Thank you, Bach. I know it's hard for you right now. :hug:
There is quite a bit shifting inside of me lately. Today, after reading some parts of the book, Unshame by Carolyn Spring, I was able to make a little more sense of what is changing. It would be easier if it were all neat and tidy, but it isn't; it is COMPLEX. Still, these are positive changes. [I am having a serious battle with: "So what if you have a cup of positive change; you have an ocean's worth of junk to deal with." I'm trying not to look at the ocean right now, and just focus on the cup that is front of me.] I did some journaling about it and look forward to processing further with my T next week.
Notalone
Well done on those positive steps and the shifts that you've noticed. :cheer:
Progress is progress. One step at at time.
Thank you Snookiebookie. Your encouragement warmed my heart.
I just got home from dinner out with husband and friends. This is the day before Halloween and some people had on costumes. A couple of the staff costumes were triggering to me, one quite triggering. It didn't put me into an amygdala hijacking, but disturbing to me and the image is in my mind. (As I wrote the paragraph below, the image of the costume is present in my mind. I need the memories associated with that to be "on hold" to a later date. It's like a picture that someone is holding in front of me.)
I only have so much capacity for social interaction. I enjoyed the first part of the time with friends, but then I reached my limit. It just got difficult, and the increase of noise with more people and the arrival of a musician, added to my feelings of "being done." There was laughter-----I joined in, but didn't feel it. And that brought back feelings from a lifetime of feeling like others are laughing and enjoying life and I'm just faking the enjoyment.
So much of what you wrote resonates with me. I hope that you find ways to soothe and take care of yourself after being overstimulated. :hug:
i'm with you on the whole 'too much stimulation' boat, notalone. where once i used to love social events, raucous parties, lots of people around, now i have so little tolerance for it i sometimes amaze myself. hopefully, you're now in a quiet place, maybe getting some solitude to surround and soothe you after that experience.
i totally get the triggering thing, too. last week, my d and i were watching a Simpsons halloween episode, and it was too much for me. A cartoon. yep, i get it. too much is too much. sending love and a hug filled with calm :hug:
:hug: hugs notalone, I told my T that I guess I will just take life until I feel like living again. She said that sometimes that's all that we can ask if ourselves. When things got the fan so hard and all I want to do is hide or leave. Faking life is better than leaving it. Sure it's not the best coping skills but it helps us survive when we are hurting and stuck in our heads with horror no one else knows our can understand. So I hope that though you have made so much progress notalone that you don't use this technique often that when it again becomes the way you survive that you give yourself Grace. Cause faking it till you can truely laugh with your friends at least has you with your friends for a bit enjoying a bit of time before the internal struggle began. Big hug :hug:
In social situations (extremely rare for me these days) I've felt 'out of it' many times. I'd often feel like I was in another world and couldn't be as 'together' as everyone around me seemed to be. It's an old habit, where I assume, with no evidence, that everyone but myself must be the normal ones. While I can seem just shy, I suppose, inside I'm feeling like the ground might swallow me up on the spot.
Except -- lots of times I also found out I wasn't the only one feeling completely out of the loop. It's been very slow to realize that I wasn't always truly alone. Maybe it's not always just ourselves feeling that way; it's perhaps more indicative of what a mixed-up world this can be.
That observation may, or may not, help for some moments and/or circumstances. For me it has helped (even if it sometimes takes me a while :doh:) find another perspective on things, and not always feel like a rare stand-alone person, that others might be feeling the same. Just a thought; but I hope it made a little sense anyway.
Thank you, Rainydiary. Yesterday, when I had the opportunity, I curled up on my bed with my stuffed animal and my blanket for awhile. It felt like a drink of cold water.
Thank you, San. Yes triggers are difficult and can come from anywhere. The one on Saturday was overt, but sometimes it's as subtle as the way someone is breathing.
Thanks, Tee. I was able to enjoy some of the time with friends, much more than I was able to do a couple of years ago. Yes, giving ourselves grace, being kind, is so important and I am growing in my ability to do that.
Quote from: woodsgnome on November 01, 2020, 03:12:20 AM
It's an old habit, where I assume, with no evidence, that everyone but myself must be the normal ones. While I can seem just shy, I suppose, inside I'm feeling like the ground might swallow me up on the spot.
Except -- lots of times I also found out I wasn't the only one feeling completely out of the loop. It's been very slow to realize that I wasn't always truly alone. Maybe it's not always just ourselves feeling that way; it's perhaps more indicative of what a mixed-up world this can be.
I also (I think) appear shy or quiet, but at times wish the ground might swallow me up. I am comparing my insides to others' outsides. If someone had been looking at me, they would have seen someone having a good time with her friends.
I'm so grateful that I could come to all of you with this. I knew that many of you would understand.
The image of the disturbing Halloween costume continues to come into my mind. It isn't throwing me into the chasm, just disturbing. I think that in my therapy session tomorrow, I will tell my T so that he can help to hold the memory with me. I don't want to talk about it because I have other important things to process. I think it will help to have him know about it though.
There are some
present time painful things going on. I don't want to write details of those now, just want to state it.
This afternoon, I plan on creating an art therapy regarding the shifting that is going on internally. I know in my mind what it will look like. I'm very visual, so it helps me to express myself that way. I feel like what is happening is huge (if I look at the cup and not the ocean).
:hug: I'm glad you feel less alone and I hope talking to your T will help you process it more. I like your looking at the cup instead of the ocean idea. I can picture that. :hug:
sending love and support, notalone. :hug:
notalone, I know so many of these feelings so well :hug: It is so hard. I'm sorry I don't have more to contribute right now, but I want you to know that I care and am still with you here :hug: :grouphug:
Tee, San, & Bach; Thank you. :grouphug:
I did complete my art therapy. It helped to have the visual representation. My therapist agrees with me that the things that are shifting and changing are significant. I'm trying to let myself just sit with this for awhile instead of running to the next issue.
When I emailed copies of my art therapy to my T, I told him about the costume. I said that I didn't want to talk about it right now, I just needed him to hold it with me. He acknowledged that in my session and we didn't talk about it further. It still comes into my head, but helps that he knows what the image is.
:hug: hugs that's awesome that he can hold it for you until you are ready to talk about. :hug:
Thank you, Tee. It does help to have T hold that issue.
TW: Pet
Our cat died today. We had him for 16 1/2 years. Obviously, I have feelings from now, current life/real time. Also, trying to care for my family and how they are feeling. It also brings up some triggering things from the past.
So many other things going on too.
I've known that loss of a beloved pet so many times. So often they are the only friends we need at times when things are rough.
:hug:
I'm sorry for your loss, notalone, and that you must also deal with related triggers. Emotional things are so complex that way. Sending you love and warm thoughts :hug:
Hi notalone,
I am also very sorry for your loss. Sending you a heartfelt hug :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: I'm sorry for your Loss my friend. :hug: Hope you can find comfort with your family. :hug:
Woodsgnome, Bach, Hope, Tee: Thank you for your kind words. Your empathy touches my heart.
Felt down today. Slept quite a bit. Some of that from medication I took last night. Loss. Our cat. Other things that I don't want to state.
Notalone, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's very hard. Please don't forget to take care of yourself :hug: Sending you support and a hug. :hug:
I'm so sorry for you loss :'( :hug: Pets are an indescribable support, heart-wrenching when they're gone. :hug:
I am very sorry for your loss. Pets mean so much to us and it's really hard when we lose them. :hug:
Marta, Blueberry, Owl; thank you for your sympathy. I still keep expecting to see our cat, I actually just thought I heard him coming down the stairs! Letting myself feel the sadness. The guilt is on a shelf to deal with at another time. It hooks into some pretty dark stuff.
It can take a while to stop expecting a cat to be around. I was seeing my 17 year cat around the house out of the corner of my eye for months. It was very odd at first but then it started feeling more like a friendly ghost.
:hug: :grouphug:
Bach, it is a warm, friendly reminder.
Notalone, I didn't read deeply but got enough to notice you have lost a beloved cat. I am holding you in my heart.
Thank you, Rainydiary.
:hug:
I've been here for a little while, and I've just been catching up with your journal. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you. :grouphug:
Thank you Tee and Snowdrop. :grouphug:
My nerves are frayed. Current day stress, hooking into past stuff. :fallingbricks:
Tea and a blanket and gentle hugs to you, notalone :hug: :grouphug:
:hug: I wish I could send one of our neighborhood friendly cat's your way to give you snuggles. I know it's not the same but to give you a smile. :hug: Sending warm thoughts
Thinking of you, Notalone. :grouphug:
Bach, Tee, Snowdrop; thank you for your continued care. It helps to not feel alone. I ended up taking a xanax last night; my anxiety was so high. I'm debating talking about the current-time issue with the person involved. Fearful of not being heard/being on the same page and it being more triggering. Frustrating.
I did end up talking to Person about current situation. Person is not in complete denial about situation, which was my fear. It is a big weight hanging over me. Nothing needs to be done immediately, so I guess I should try to put it on the shelf for awhile. That is hard for me to do.
Well done for talking to Person. At least they weren't in complete denial.
I have a lockable box you can have, if it would help to put the situation in there? I wondered if it might save you from carrying it around with you.
Thank you, Snowdrop! I put the issue in the lockable box. I wasn't able to lock it yet :Idunno:, but at least it is in the box.
with you all the way, notalone. love and hugs coming your way. :hug:
:hug: sending you love and hugs :hug:
Hugs to you, San & Tee. :hug: :hug:
I got some cleaning done today. Spent most of the day on Netflix. Feeling detached from everyone.
If it's helpful, I will fetch you a cup of tea. I'll make it just the way you like it. :grouphug:
you may feel detached, but you are not alone - we're here with you, for sure.
netflix has become, to my mind, something extremely important and helpful for some of us. a distraction, a way to release feelings, something to learn from, a source of laughter, even pseudo-company of some sort - whatever we might need at the moment. so glad you have that at your disposal, notalone. sending love and hugs :hug:
:hug: I'm here with you notalone. I've really enjoyed the great English baking show. It's funny and looks like fun too. I usually watch that or zombies depending on my mood. 🤷♀️
Netflix is a good way to zone out and try to escape reality for a little while. It helps me make it through rough days.
Here with you always big hug of support. :hug: :hug:
Snowdrop, thank you for the tea. I'm an occasional tea drinker. I made myself a cup of tea today, thinking of your kindness.
San & Tee, thank you for your comments about Netflix. It helped to ease my guilt and to understand that I'm using it as a coping mechanism. I like the English baking show too, but have been watching biographies lately. People are interesting.
Today when I woke up I was feeling down. I wrote down the present day stresses and losses that I am experiencing. There are actually quite a few and some significant losses. That's not even including my childhood trauma and cptsd.
My anxiety was getting high this afternoon. I did one of the visualizations from YouTube that I use. I haven't done one of those for awhile. There was a time when I used the visualization/meditation almost every day. My anxiety seems higher lately, so maybe I should make use of those more often. It did help me today. Then the thing that I was anxious about went okay and I was able to let go of the part that was upsetting to me.
It feels like forever since I connected to my Little Parts, although I read a story to them on Thursday. That feels so long ago. One of the real young parts colored a picture. There was something about that, but I don't remember.
:hug:
:hug: to you, Tee.
Still feeling down, tired, lost.
I find it harder to connect to parts when there present day stresses and strains. I have far less capacity. I relate to what you say.
I'm glad the thing you were anxious about went ok. I hope you can be gentle with yourself.
:grouphug:
dear notalone, i, too, find myself surprised when i list anything that's going on in my life, what i'm dealing with. it's always way more than what's been in my mind, and seeing it in black and white makes it more difficult to just push it aside or pretend it's not that big a deal. we've been thru so much, continue to deal with so much, it's an accomplishment of the best kind, and a testament to our ongoing strength, determination, and perseverance.
the weight of day-to-day management, to my mind, is difficult to drag along with us as we make it from day to day. i find myself tired, dragging, or exhausted when one more thing is added to my day. hang in there, sweetie. sending love and a hug full of brightness and warmth :hug:
:hug: I'm here with you notalone you are not lost. I'm sorry you're down and tired though. But I'll find you to give you an encouraging hug always, never lost never alone. :hug:
Snowdrop, San, Tee; your words and care are very meaningful to me. :grouphug:
I am doing better right now.
:hug: :cheer: I'm glad your doing better :hug:
Glad to hear it. :grouphug:
TW (no details)
New memory. Told T today. He believed me. What they did was so dehumanizing, so degrading. I'm holding onto care from core group of friends and onto Jesus.
Up until today, my art therapy pictures of black represented my shame. Today I felt compelled to scribble black and it represented their (abusers') evil.
I am so, so sorry you went through this. It makes me want to wrap you up in a soft blanket of safety.
Well done for telling T. I'm glad he believed you, and that you're being supported by your friends and Jesus. As I read your post, I saw angels standing by you, keeping you protected and safe.
Sending you much love, support and care. :grouphug:
:hug: glad you were able to get a witness and we're believed. Sorry that you got new memories they are hard for me to deal with so I imagine they would be hard for you as well. Sending a big hug of support to let you know I believe you as well and to remind you you are not your abuse and it wasn't your fault. :hug:
Popping in to give you a :hug: and let you know I'm still here.
Hi Notalone,
I am also sending you a very gentle and heartfelt hug :hug: I am glad you were able to share more with your T, and that he believed you. I am glad you are being supported by your friends and by Jesus.
Hope :)
Snowdrop, your words and care are a comfort to me.
Quote from: Snowdrop on November 20, 2020, 05:05:56 AM
As I read your post, I saw angels standing by you, keeping you protected and safe.
Thank you for sharing that. It is very meaningful to me.
Tee, yes, memories are really difficult. Thank you for believing me and for reminding me that it wasn't my fault.
Bach, I know you are struggling and I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to give me a hug.
Hope, thank you for the hug. I felt your care.
I am grateful that I slept well last night. I feel sadness regarding the memory, but I don't feel buried, which sometimes happens. I spent some relaxing time with two of my (adult) kids today, which was lovely.
Decades ago, I shared the memory with a therapist. (All of that had been buried deeply until my flashback on Wednesday.) His immediate response was, "That can't happen." So when I shared the memory with T on Thursday, I started by saying, "Is it possible . . . ?" His quick and simple answer of yes, well, it did a couple of things. I was believed and affirmed that my memory was true. It also sent me to that place of past horror. But to be believed. . . that is so powerful and life-giving.
I get how damaging and painful the other therapist's words were. I'm so glad you have your current T. One who believes you and validates you. I realise I didn't say it earlier, but I believe you too. It definitely wasn't your fault.
The angels I saw standing by you were holding you in light. I still see them now.
:grouphug:
:hug: I'm so glad you found a T that is able to help you down this road. It is so important that when we share the darkest memories the are held and hidden that they are witnessed and validated not minimised or dismissed as impossible. Keep moving forward notalone your doing great I'm there by your side giving you love and support. :hug: :hug:
Would like to send you email have private questions you can answer or not. Just wanted to let you I'll be sending it. :hug: :hug:
Snowdrop & Tee: Thank you for your understanding, belief. Snowdrop, thank you for sharing your vision of the angels upholding me.
We got a kitten! She is playful, friendly, and cute, cute, cute. When she gets tired of playing, she will climb up onto a lap and take a cat nap.
I only saw my current therapist about six weeks in person before teletherapy began. Teletherapy has been very stressful to me and extremely disturbing to some Parts. Really the amount of work that I have accomplished during teletherapy is amazing. However; Hope still hasn't told T her memory and I feel like a great deal of work is on hold until I am able to consistently see T in person, in his office.
Tomorrow is the first time since March that I will see T in person. Then back to teletherapy until at least mid January. Ugh.
In the last 8 months of teletherapy, there have been several Littles who appeared for the first time. Most of the trust gained with my therapist has been during the time online for the last 8 months. As much as I have been needing to see T in person, many Littles are scared about seeing him in person, in his office, tomorrow. Many of them have never seen him in person and have never been in his office. They have a visual of his office because I have been there. (I don't know if this makes sense.) I don't really have a goal tomorrow other than to let them (the Littles) be in the office and . . . I don't know. Will see what they need when they get there.
I did tell therapist how the Littles are feeling about seeing him in his office. He understood.
Your kitten sounds adorable!
I hope it goes well with T. I'm glad he understands how the Littles are feeling about it. :grouphug:
Sending you love and support notalone for your appointment :hug: Hope it goes well. :) I know how terrifying actually seeing a T in person is.
Also, your cat sounds so cute! Very happy that you found one :hug:
Hi Notalone,
Sending you a hug and also love and support as well :hug: Your kitten sounds very cute.
I am glad that your T is understanding and appreciates some of what your littles feel.
Hope :)
Snowdrop, Marta, Hope: :grouphug:
The kitten is so fun. Right now she's trying to type on my computer!
The Littles felt afraid in my therapist's office and for some of them, seeing him for the first time in person. By the time I left, most of them felt more comfortable. It was a needed reassurance that hopefully, starting in January, I'll be able to see him in person consistently. I hope.
:hug:
Good that by the end of the session that your littles were feeling a little more comfortable around your therapist. Perhaps, come mid-january it'll be safer still for them.
Most things that are new are scary
That's good news about the kitten, and about the Littles being mostly comfortable with your T. That seems like real progress. I'm glad that you've been able to do so much with teletherapy. It is really hard!
Lots of love to all of you :hug: :grouphug:
Your kitten sounds great, and I am glad you got to see your T in person :cheer:
My cat literally waves, and he's sending a good vibe to the kitten (okay, my human interpretation; but he does actually wave. It's also cool to note the therapy visit went well, and hopefully that can continue as time rolls by.
For, myself, and my own feline acquaintance, I hope this is okay to end on -- :hug:
:hug: Hugging you back, San. I know you are carrying a lot right now.
Sceal, thanks for your understanding. New things can be scary and I need to accept/honor that many of the Littles had not seen T in person. It was really important for them to see him face to face and to be in his office.
Bach, :grouphug: Teletherapy has been hard. Looking back, I'm amazed at how much I did accomplish with teletherapy because I find it so difficult. Having the one session in person has given me hope that teletherapy won't be forever.
Owl, Thanks for your encouragement. I'm very glad that I got to see T in person. I think it was really important. The kitten is awesome.
Woodsgnome, I love that your cat waves. :wave: I'm getting a lot of joy and comfort from the kitten. Yes, so glad in person session went well. :hug:
*************************************************************************************************************************
Most of what was said in yesterday's session was surface, chit chat. But still, I feel like seeing therapist in person yesterday was important. I don't have complete understanding of why. The following thoughts are random. Most of the Littles in session yesterday were quite young. Their ability to understand the significance of the session is limited. To several of the Littles, therapist was like a person on T.V. (computer screen). Yesterday they saw that he was a real person. That thought is a little simplistic, but the general idea is accurate. I need his office to be a safe place; a real, solid safe place, not just a place in my memory. In session yesterday, I touched the couch I was sitting on, memorizing its "realness." Teletherapy has not felt safe, sometimes more unsafe than other times. As my T pointed out in May, much of this has felt like a repeat of childhood; unsafe going on and on with no end in sight. Yesterday was a bit of hope that there will be an end to teletherapy and then going to the safety of T's office.
Many people might think: "What is the big deal? Teletherapy or in person therapy? What difference does it make?" But it is a big deal. At times it has felt like life and death big deal. I know that some of you understand. Thank you for getting it and for being here.
I get it, Notalone. I don't think I can put it into words, but what you've said makes a lot of sense.
I'm so glad it went well, and the Littles are feeling more comfortable. I'm also glad that you recognise how far you've come over the past few months. :grouphug:
To me, virtual therapy vs in-person therapy makes a huge difference. I can't do teletherapy because there's something about sitting in front of a camera that makes me feel horrifically vulnerable, so I have to do it over the regular phone, and I hate it. Your success with virtual therapy is encouraging, and I appreciate you sharing it. Hopefully a better situation is coming soon for all of us :hug: :grouphug:
Hi Notalone,
I read what you wrote a couple of days ago, and felt a strong whoosh of emotion when I read it, so I sensed that many of my Littles were relating to what you'd written about the significance of your Littles being able to see your T in person. I am really glad that it went well. Sending you and your Littles safe and gentle hugs, if that's ok :hug: :hug:
Hope :)
Snowdrop, Bach, & Hope: Thank you for understanding and for sharing your thoughts. :grouphug:
I was talking to T about a memory. He said something that feels profound to me. He said, ". . .welcoming the painful, humiliating, dehumanizing memory." Even though I have begged God to show me the truth about my past (lots of struggles with believing my memories), my memories/flashbacks have felt like unwanted, disruptive, intrusions. Welcoming the memory is an alleviating shift for me. Also, welcoming the memory, means welcoming the Little who experienced that particular abuse.
Today I asked the Little, who experienced a recent memory, to sit by me. I told her that I accepted her, loved her, and that Therapist and I believed her. She was concerned that she would need to remember more details of the abuse. I reassured her that if she did remember more, it was okay, but she did not have to try to remember more. She was physically feeling some of the memory on her back. I asked her if she knew how we could make that go away. She said, "erase it." I rubbed her back for awhile to "erase" the physical imprint. I told her that if she felt it more, she could come to me and I'd rub her back more or she could rub it with her own hand. I told her that we weren't erasing the memory. It happened and we believe her. We were erasing the physical feeling. The abuse wasn't happening now and it will never happen again. After awhile she smiled and ran off to play.
That's beautiful. :grouphug:
Thank you, Snowdrop. I'm so grateful to you for sharing your journey. You have been an inspiration and have given me a lovely picture of IFS. In fact, when I sat with the Little today, I was thinking of you. I realized that the way you interact with your Parts is not an exact fit for me right now, and allowed myself to interact with her in a way that fits for me. :grouphug:
How you interacted with her sounded perfect, Notalone. She was heard, welcomed, loved, accepted, believed and reassured. That must have been so healing for her. :grouphug:
Snowdrop, it was special.
Sending you love, Notalone. I also wanted to say what Snowdrop said, that it indeed sounded healing. I'm very happy for you. It made me wonder to try it out too if I can. :hug:
Thank you, Marta. If you do decide to "try it out," if you are comfortable sharing, I would be honored to hear your experience. Trust yourself and proceed in a way that fits for you. :hug:
That brought a tear to my eye, notalone. Thank you for sharing :hug: :grouphug:
Thanks, Bach. I appreciate you. :hug:
:hug: that's great work notalone? I'm glad you were able to connect with your little and comfort her. I'm still working on that. Send love for you and your little :hug:
Thank you, Tee. :hug:
Notalone, your little you sounds very sweet and it sounds like you both had a precious and productive talk. Thank you for sharing about it. I know it is helpful for me to hear about your talk as I am exploring what needs to heal in myself, too. Sending you and your little you a :hug:
Thank you, Pioneer. :hug:
You did a wonderful job with your little one, notalone. She deserves so much to feel loved and cared for. She matters and she deserves to know that in an embodied way. Hugs to both of you :grouphug:
Hi Notalone,
I am glad you were able to sit by your Little one and that you were able to share that time in such a positive way, it sounds very healing, and special. A gentle hug for both of you :hug: :hug:
Hope :)
Owl and Hope, I am grateful for your sweet, kind support.
I had an interaction with another Part this week. I don't feel comfortable writing details. She talked to T this week. Not the first time she has talked to him. He mentioned doing comforting things for her body (nap, eat, soft PJs, etc.). Today we went to resale shop and she picked out soft PJ bottoms and a large men's thermal shirt.
:hug: that sounds lovely notalone hugs :hug:
Thanks, Tee. :hug:
Yes it does sound lovely. Much comfort to you notalone and the new Part :hug: :hug:
Thank you, Blueberry. :hug:
Stopping by to give you a hug :hug:
Hi Notalone,
I also think it sounds lovely, and I wanted to offer a safe hug to you and your new part, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
I haven't been on the forum very much lately. I'm finding that some Parts are not comfortable sharing and/or would find it difficult if I were reading others' posts and they were somewhat nearby.
Feeling a little down this evening. Could be many reasons for that. Spent quite a bit of time in bed this afternoon.
I wanted to catch up a little on OOTS. I only read a few posts but I just don't have it in me right now.
Hi Notalone,
You wrote that some Parts are not comfortable sharing and/or would find it difficult if you were reading others' posts and they were somewhat nearby - and I really related to that, as I have felt similar - in that my Parts have been reluctant for me to do quite a few things recently. I also want to say how much I appreciated what you did write in my Journal - I will reply to that there, but I wanted to say I appreciated it very much :hug:
Sending you and any parts who would value a hug a big one :bighug: and a little one too :hug:
I hope that the time you were in bed was restful or at least ok.
Hope :)
Sending love and good thoughts, notalone :hug: :grouphug:
:hug: Miss you notalone but have been there glad your taking care of yourself. Hope you were able to rest. Sending love and comfort. :hug:
Thank you, Hope. I appreciate what you said and your hugs too. :hug:
Sending love back to you, Bach. :hug:
Tee, I've miss you too. :hug:
I had a doctor's appointment today. It could have been really triggering, but I did okay. I just spent 30 minutes on hold with my insurance company to get information to schedule some routine tests. Someone finally answered and then we were disconnected. :pissed:
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Probably a combination of things. It actually is a pretty familiar feeling. :stars: :blink:
Kitten Therapy: Our new kitten will jump into a lap and take a nap. Right now she awake, lying on my lap. When she's playing, she makes me laugh. When she's on my lap, she is very calming, better than xanax!
I will close this journal tomorrow and start a new one in 2021.
I hope you're feeling less overwhelmed. Kitten therapy sounds like a wonderful thing. :hug:
Hi notalone! I'm glad you're finding relaxation with your kitten. We adopted two little kittens this summer and they have been good therapy for me, too.
I also want you to know that I appreciate what you said about not feeling able to read and reach out to others very much right now. I am feeling that lately too. I suppose we need to be remember that we are loved even when we don't "perform" as we'd like to :hug:
Thank you, Snowdrop & Pioneer.
:hug: I'm sorry about the doctor that's really frustrating? The kitten sounds nice. We have a cat that likes to be pretty but rarely lays close enough to do so. I'm getting a puppy in the spring I'm so excited. I'm hoping to train it to be my service animal. Pets are great I'm glad you kitten likes to cuddle. :hug:
Pets are great. It is very exciting that you are getting a puppy. Training it as your service animal is a wonderful idea. Pets can be so comforting and entertaining.