Out of the Storm

TW: mention of "bad memories"

My life just feels so terrible right now. Yesterday, Friday, I had to do a thing with my m. But it just threw me off so badly. I've been dissociated since yesterday's night: I'm scared, I'm afraid for my life. I feel so vulnerable right now. I can't remember anything, who I am, my future desires and my needs. If I try to focus on one thing, only bad memories are coming to me. And I don't want to remember. I can't believe that those memories actually happened.
Now I am hearing a voice saying that what happened to me was never bad. People have had it worse. I've never been phy hurt, or maybe I don't remember. I think I have but...
The things is that before the disaster on Friday, I had been feeling kind of in control. I was aware of my triggers, I was grounding myself and unfolding more of myself and little me. I was feeling clearer than I've been in a long time. And I was happy with my previous therapy session.

I am hoping that writing this out, and posting it will allow me to see that what I feel is real. That I am hurt. I just don't know what to do, but I'm suspecting that having more responsibilities this next week is affecting my other parts really hard.

it was real, marta, it was real.  you were hurt, and even this self-doubt is a consequence of being hurt to the point of abuse and trauma.  when we feel whole and strong, we don't doubt ourselves, but when a trigger brings up the memories, it's because those memories are real. 

breathe and then breathe again.  a former member used to say that  to anyone struggling to get their feet back under them, and it was surprising how helpful that reminder was. 

as far as other people and what they went thru, worse or better doesn't count here.  your own abuse is what has affected you, so that means it was not good.  period.  i've discovered along the way that comparing myself to others usually only makes myself feel worse.  we can't compare in any tangible way because we are all different as individuals.

thanks for posting, marta.  may i send you love and a gentle hug full of caring and comfort? :hug:

Thank you, San. I am in real need of comfort.
I am now mentally checking in with myself and deciding to take some steps back for the next week. So I don't push myself. I think I haven't been true to myself, how much this temporary change and responsibilities are bringing back bad memories and affecting me. I am always going to be grateful for this forum and the support.

I'm  hoping I can hang out a bit on the Healing Porch, and let my little parts rest. They have been very overwhelmed lately.

Quote from: marta1234 on March 07, 2020, 09:00:05 PMI'm  hoping I can hang out a bit on the Healing Porch, and let my little parts rest. They have been very overwhelmed lately.

This sounds like a great idea. I love how you're listening to what your parts need, and the compassion you're showing towards them. :hug:

"One foot forward" is so incredibly hard, but also very significant. I know while I was at the Healing Porch, the lyrics of the following sing rang across the waters. I'd like to share that song here, if it's okay ... to hear it, go to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYy1qvsK82E

Sending you support as you discover your new path.  :hug:

I struggle with believing my memories too. That makes it all even more painful.

Do what you can to bring yourself and the Littles comfort.

Thank you woodsgnome and notalone for your replies. Also, I tried to listen to the song but I am still not able to listen through it all, brings back painful emotions. Hopefully I'll be able to.

------------------------------------------
Journal entry 10.03.20

I feel so defeated and depleted. Prior one week, I had talked with my therapist and told her I wanted to find someone who was more trauma specialized. She had given me a list of names and I booked with one clinical psychologist.
Today I had the appointment. Immediately coming and sitting down, I felt so scared of her. The psychologist asked me to tell me "my story". I started talking a bit about me having complex trauma, as that was my main reason for coming. Diverting from that. she asked me about my history but I couldn't really tell her. She then used some cards to help. At the end, I brought up "complex ptsd" again. I said that I "think" I might have it. She kind of questioned me, and said if I really wanted to she could try and give me the questions to fill out for ptsd.

I just wanted to tell her that I know I have it and that all I need is help. I have done months of research on every site that I could find, and I know the symptoms list of complex ptsd by heart. She only found me saying that "I want to be able to manage my life, my day and not be in the past all the time" interesting. I tried to tell her how I felt, started using the word "dissociating every time" but she quickly gave me a surprised look and implied that I don't really know what the word means. I didn't even start talking about EFs, or then she would've probably retorted another big "you probably don't know what that means".
It's just so frustrating. I felt so invalidated and the littles were just completely scared. I couldn't even really listen to myself while I was talking because at the end I felt like all that information that I have learned of not pushing myself too much was invalid.
Especially at the end, when she told me to "check with your ps about the insurance", as if my ps would do it.

I scheduled another appointment for next week, but I don't know how this will help. At least with my last therapist, I felt safe and not scared. I guess I'm just tired of trying to find the "right" therapist, therapists don't really have much information about complex ptsd.

----------
After calming myself down, I think the woman might have reminded the littles of my f, as there have been multiple times before when my mental health and what "I thought my problem was" was discussed with him.

hmmm . . . i don't like that she was dismissing what you were saying and coming back with other suggestions, like questions for ptsd with denied what you said about c-ptsd.  she may not be a good fit for you - i'm seeing a lot of red flags already.

hopefully, if you give her another chance, things will be different.  if not, maybe you can find someone who's a better fit.  good luck with this - finding a new therapist is an experimental procedure.  i do hop you find someone with whom you find comfortable quickly.  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks san for your reply, I haven't been able to have another session with the therapist because of all the stuff going on.

I just wanted to say something:
I don't feel like I belong here anymore, because recently I have opened up about my past and what happened to me to my mother. And she seemed open and there. The thing is that now I probably realize that I might have a family that cares about me (except for my b), and so I just feel like my problems aren't as bad as everyone's here, especially when everyone talks about their FOO and their troubles with that.
And now I feel selfish inside, thinking like this.

If being on this site is helpful to you, then you are welcome to stay. Your issues, pain, growth, victories are all valid and you are worthy to be heard.

 :yeahthat:

marta, there have been quite a few discussions over the years of people comparing what they've gone thru to what others here have gone thru.  it truly is like notalone said - if it's helpful for you, you are more than welcome. 

i believe that as individuals, what we've gone thru is individual, too - it hits us differently, has different effects on us, and encourages us to make decisions we might not have made if our perspectives hadn't gotten distorted.  this isn't all about FOO - so much of my own trauma came well into my adult years. 

it's ok to do what's best for you.  if you want to take a break from the forum, see how it goes, that's fine.  if you don't, that's also fine.  if you take a break and decide you want more support and/or ideas, you can always come back and no one will think any less of you.  this is your health and well-being, so your approach to it is what's best to you.  personally, i noticed that when i've compared myself to others, it usually didn't work out well for me.  but, that's just me.  maybe it's worthwhile to you.

so, no judgments, blame or shame here.  take care of you first, always, no matter how that shakes out.  we're here for you if you want.  sending love and hugs :grouphug:

I'm glad that your mother seemed open and there when you opened up to her.

I echo what the others have said. You are welcome here, your experiences are valid, and their impact on you is real. I don't think you're being selfish.

I think that some people here have troubles with their FOO, and other people don't. For me, the key thing is the impact that your experiences have had on you, irrespective of whether or not they concern your FOO.

Imo if you receive support, information, or anything beneficial from this forum, you should stay. You do belong. No matter how you are treated now, there was a time when you were not treated well.

Here's an analogy - if I trip and fall and hurt my leg, and the doctor says I need physical therapy to recover completely - would I say, "I just won't trip anymore, I'll walk somewhere else"?

Damage is damage and can't be compared, really. It varies so widely you can't say what should or shouldn't hurt you.

But I respect your decision to stay or go. Whatever you decide, our good wishes follow you.

Regarding your experience with your therapist - her comments worry me about her level of trauma-informedness (my new word  ;))...

QuoteShe kind of questioned me, and said if I really wanted to she could try and give me the questions to fill out for ptsd. ... She only found me saying that "I want to be able to manage my life, my day and not be in the past all the time" interesting. I tried to tell her how I felt, started using the word "dissociating every time" but she quickly gave me a surprised look and implied that I don't really know what the word means.

Very concerning imo. It's so difficult to find someone that you click with, and who is informed about this. If she thinks ptsd and cptsd are interchangeable I don't think I would go back, or if I did I would take information in with me. (I did this with my last therapist, I printed out information for him and recommended some books. He took it well.)

I also think if you haven't already read "The Body Keeps The Score" and "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving", you would really benefit from them. For one, you would see that feeling like you're reliving the past all the time is something that's very common to cptsd and that it can be dealt with.

Finally, here's a link to downloads you may find helpful - as I'm just returning from a break from the forum, please forgive me if you've already said you have this info. https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

Quote from: Snowdrop on March 22, 2020, 04:44:10 PM
I'm glad that your mother seemed open and there when you opened up to her.

I echo what the others have said. You are welcome here, your experiences are valid, and their impact on you is real. I don't think you're being selfish.

I think that some people here have troubles with their FOO, and other people don't. For me, the key thing is the impact that your experiences have had on you, irrespective of whether or not they concern your FOO.

:yeahthat: 

I echo those who gently warn against comparing. Unfortunately it almost seems to go with the diagnosis, this "I don't belong here, what happened to me and/or the way FOO treats me now isn't as bad as it is for the rest of you are treated." I compare myself negatively in that way too and have been doing so all my life.  "My trauma doesn't count because it's only emotional" or something. It's not helpful, nor is it even true, but I do it sometimes anyway, though getting less. You're welcome here if you have cptsd and want to recover. End of.   :hug:

Hi Marta,
I am glad you're here, and wanted to send you a safe hug, if that's ok,  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you to everyone who replied, and just thank you to the forum. I feel like my self doubt is extremely high these days, I'm having past guilt coming forward in big waves.
TW----SH

For example, a day ago I had this dream where i was in a bad situation and I had fallen. But then the pain that I felt was something that I wanted more, and so I forcefully kept pushing myself to fall to feel the pain of it.
-----end of tw

I've been feeling this doubt again, and guilt, when I've been just trying to support some people in their journals. I sometimes feel like I'm saying too much of this, and that it will come across not genuine, or that I'm just trying to be pleasing.
What do you say to the negative thoughts of your IC? It's just that mine seems very strong.

hey, marta,

i think self-doubt tends to run rampant when we are in situations that are out of our control, such as the world situation right now.  i've also had bouts of self-doubt when writing in others' journals, just because it was 'one of those days' where i wasn't feeling quite right.  i believe these types of things often come in waves, and sometimes we're able to surf the tops of them pretty well, sometimes we wipe out and feel like we're under water, but we keep swimming and eventually get to the top again.

ICr's?  i say poo to you!  honestly, i really do sometimes shout at those types of messages, or whatever comes into my mind that is unwanted.  know that you are a valuable person, your input and responses are valid and show support to us when we're struggling, and are greatly appreciated.  if your response is genuine, you'll know it and we'll feel it.  this forum is so wonderful at not being judgmental.  i'm glad you're here.  love and hugs :hug:

I question myself in my response to others' posts. Sometimes the doubt is bigger than other times, depending on the place I'm in and/or how well I "know" the person I'm responding to.

From the other end, I always appreciate it when others reply to what I've written. It means a lot to be heard. Even if someone writes something that doesn't quite fit with me or my circumstance, he/she still took the time to respond and to me that shows care.

Thank you notalone and san for making me feel welcome and better. I really appreciate it. I realize that for almost a week I've been afraid of my friends and the responses from this forum, I kind of realized that something's not right. I don't know why though, I know that it all started because I pushed myself through triggering work.
In any case, I wanted to share a short simple poem ,although it is far from most creative work that is posted here, that I wrote last september. Maybe it can help someone about the future.

-----------TW-----------------


When I was in my hole, in the deep deep chasm,
I feel like I was waiting for a train.
You know that feeling when you wait for a train,
and every so often look up at the time board?
And when you see it will only arrive in 10 min and slump back on the bench,
but then when you look again it still says 10 min?

Is it just me or does time stay still when I don't need it to be?
Like can't this abuse just be fast forwarded to the loneliness?
Like can't your yelling be swiped right with a hand
and have me come back to the depressive thoughts?

I wish I could fast forward most of my childhood.

But are there any moments that deserve a back track?
A stretch in time to conserve this moment forever?
Maybe in the future.
Probably.

beautifully hopeful, marta.  thanks.  love and hugs :hug:

 :thumbup: I love your poem, Marta ... it says it well.

The quote below is one that came to mind today. While it could be placed in the quotes section for its own sake, I hope it's okay to stick it here, as it speaks to the connective issues of what you've spoken about, Marta1234.

I think it describes well that the connections and support we can find here, even against our doubts that we're really affecting each other. No more  :blahblahblah: from me, though. The quote that caught my attention is:

"Community does not necessarily mean living face-to-face with others; rather, it means never losing the awareness that we are connected to each other."
— Parker J. Palmer

I forgot to say thanks to San woodsgnome replies, so here I am saying it. ;)
I'm also sorry that I haven't been able to be active in other's journals, I just haven't been in the right mind. Besides, I wanted to write this down to clear up my mind.

—————————————

I feel like I'm at a blocked road. I opened up a bit to my mother and a bit to my other brother some time ago. But now, with time having passed, I can't just look at my foo (except younger b of course, I won't be telling him anything) and tell them something. Tell them about the bad things and how their actions when angry were seen by me, because of what was happening to me (I know I'm vague but I don't want to put any details).
The thing is, there's too much. And I don't know what to say to my foo. Right now, I'm stuck because I need to say some things but I don't know how. Most of this week a lot of thoughts have been ruminating in my head, sentences that I hear clearly forming full of pain about my fam members. But a lot of it is hurtful and mean, and in some ways I am not capable of understanding their meanings because I can't understand the pain that made me think that. Maybe I don't remember. I guess I just feel stuck, on pause, but I need to press play, to go forward.

I just feel like this was a rumble of words, don't know if it helped.

hey, marta,

when i've been stuck, feeling blocked or like there are too many thoughts running thru my head, it has helped me to write them down, see them in black and white.  i'm not saying you should do that here if you don't feel comfortable, but just for yourself.  don't know if that might help you, but it's really done a lot for me to un-jumble stuff.

if this isn't for you, please ignore it.  just know that i support you and care - love and hugs :hug:

Thank you, san for your message, Means a lot to me. Writing will be helpful, just when I'll feel like it.

Hi Marta,
Hopefully you'll move forward when the time feels right.  Wishing you the best for this week, and hope that each moment is one that will be something you can handle, but if you feel stuck, don't be hard on yourself - sometimes there are moments that just need to have some space before you can move forward.  Not sure if this makes any sense.  But I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope. Although I feel like I'm forced to open up and feel more than I can manage these days, I will hopefully push less on myself.

18.04 Journal entry———————tw: detail of flashback

There is this flashback that I get every time I have to do school work. And I've had it for my whole life, if I'm being honest. Today I have work to do, things to write. But I can't. I'm having this emotional flashback. All I can feel, and what I've always felt, is being scared. Frozen. Unable to move my body. Just my body not being my body anymore. And terrified. And I feel like that when I think about school work or when I look at my computer.
This flashback, or whatever it is, just makes it impossible for me to do the work. I always have to push myself to extreme mesures, and even thinking about that makes me want to cry. But I have no memory. I don't know why this is what it is. And this flashback makes me very insecure, especially when I talk about it. I've told my mother once, and I didn't get anything from her. No comfort. Her words didn't mean anything to me, because I was still scared. I just don't understand what this is.

Marta, flashbacks are so hard. When they aren't connected to a memory, to me, it is even harder to deal with. Just awful feelings with no context. I have had that experience of being frozen often.

Thank you, notalone. I just don't really understand the science behind a flashback with no memory.
I'm thinking of not doing any of the work until I feel better or can somehow manage. Because I'm tired of always putting this "work" in front of my trauma and mental health. I need to find a healthy way of completing these assignments, because it's just too much for me right now.

i've had these, too, marta.  some of them i've been able to trace back to an expectation that was put on me.  there was no physical connection, just that i was 'expected' to do things or be a certain way, and if i didn't something bad might happen.  it took me a long time to be able to trace that origin and get hold of it.  i still have them, especially about being perfect, which i'm ready to work on w/ my t. 

just sending you love and a hug filled with clarity and recognition.   :hug:  hope you're feeling better real soon.

I wanted to write this down somewhere, just to show it's importance for myself.

Tw: mention of su*cide

I've been opening up to the flashback that I've been having non stop, and I realized that when, for most of my life, I've had to do an assignment, I've been having suicidal thoughts. I realized this because yesterday I'd been having them and also did some self h*rm, as I let the task of doing the assignments still linger in my head.
I just don't know what to do with this information. I'm shocked, to be honest. I've always felt insecure about my problems with school, never being the best or not understanding something.

Thank you san for your wishes, they were well received.

thanks for sharing, marta.  sending love and hugs :hug: this stuff isn't easy, and those realizations, while tough, can provide us with stepping stones, in my opinion only, for moving forward.  i do believe the more we learn about ourselves, the easier it is to track that information to its source and finally resolve it.  i think you're doing difficult work, marta.  well done. :thumbup:

Thank you San for your support. Helps a lot. Wanted to also send you some positive energy for the help that you put into this forum and all the achievements that you have made (been following your journal). Sending hugs for the progress that you’ve made :hug:

I needed to write this down so it’s out there. I think I really need to address this anger that I feel towards my m. Because right now I find myself in an EF (I’m guessing) and I’m feeling this raging anger at my m, just because she did this one little thing that annoyed me. It’s like this anger just took over me, and I can’t do anything else other than be angry.
It just takes so much out of me, and I know that this anger is disproportionate to what is reality, so I need to speak it out loud once and for all.

——
I’ve come back to write this down: now I feel stupid and petty for wanting to have this conversation with her. There are too voices in my head: one saying that it’s stupid and unimportant to want to say something or speak my “truth” in a sense (childish for me), and then there’s another that is saying that it’s been to long and it’s time for me to speak.

QuoteThere are too voices in my head: one saying that it's stupid and unimportant to want to say something or speak my "truth" in a sense (childish for me), and then there's another that is saying that it's been to long and it's time for me to speak.

When we've been silent for so long, it can be very difficult to find that good balance - practicing speaking up for ourselves is a step in the right direction imo. As long as you're safe doing it. Like riding a bike, you'll get better at it as you go. You'll know when it's beneficial for you to speak up for yourself and when it's in your best interest to quietly hold your ground.

I've had the opposite struggle in my own life. I had to learn to hold my tongue and not be so confrontational. I felt threatened if I showed any weakness. That middle ground is best for me, and where I'm most comfortable! But I had to practice to find it, and I work daily at maintaining it. Or else I fall into old behaviors that don't serve me anymore.
:heythere:

I just watched this movie, and the ending just brought me so much pain. It was sci-fi movie, and the protagonist had powers. But then there were a group of people who would hunt down these type of people with powers. And in the ending scene, the protagonist finds his mother who left when he was young, and realizes that she works for the "hunters". The protagonists asks, "What now?" and the mother answers with "I'll give you head start.", meaning to hunt him down. But it hit me hard, that this was shown "out of love", as the boy and mother hug and he leaves. I was aghast when I saw this. The abandonment that the mother shows brought so much pain to me.

Thank you 3R for your support, and sharing your experience. I think it was the same for me, but it will take me so long to admit it to myself as it brings toxic shame at myself when I think about it, because speaking up never helped before.

hey, marta,

thanks for your kind words :hug:

i was brought up in a household where the norm was 'children should be seen and not heard' - and 'family first'.  it made the idea of speaking up unthinkable.  it takes great courage to break those barriers, and sometimes even superpowrers! to speak our truth. from experience, that may look like a joke, but it truly felt like it at times.

i agree w/ 3r that balance is important, and also that speaking up and out, if it benefits our well-being, is also important.  those 'one little' things can harm us over and over, such as being in a state of angry rage continually.  that can't be good for us, can it?  i've had experience w/ that anger w/ my ex, which turned into hate over time, and it took a lot of work w/ my t to move myself past that because i had nowhere to go with it.  it was horrible.

personally, i don't believe anything is too small or insignificant when it impacts us negatively;  it's valid and valuable for us to name it in order to tame it - take away its power over us.  best to you with this, marta.  love and hugs  :hug:

Thank you San for your reply.

I've been having some difficult times, and what I am about to write is daunting, but I wanted to before I came to my computer.
Alot of websites suggest to keep a journal, or something of that sorts to sort through out the thoughts. But I have trauma with that (I feel stupid saying that). I've had experiences where my siblings read my diaries when I was young, and when I choose to stay in contact with a person by letters (also young). The thing with this person was that she and I would write small letters to each other, and I had to write only positive things to her as I somehow thought someone (who shouldn't, like my m) would read them, and in any case, I didn't trust her. But somehow now attempting to write a letter or something in a journal just makes me forget what I wanted to say or be in an EF. Because even if writing is very intimate, I've never been able to express myself.

I wanted to also note that today I've been in an EF that has incapacitated me to do anything, and that's ok. I just can't get my surroundings, so it's ok.

hey,

unfortunately, we've had people in our lives who have broken our trust about doing good things for ourselves, like writing in journals or communicating truthfully w/ others.  thank you for sharing here.  we will hold what you've written gently and compassionately, no matter what it is.  sending a hug filled with love and angel wings to surround you and keep you safe while you go thru this rough time.   :bighug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 05, 2020, 04:11:30 AM
we will hold what you've written gently and compassionately, no matter what it is. 

:yeahthat:

Quote from: marta1234 on May 04, 2020, 06:08:10 PM
But I have trauma with that (I feel stupid saying that).



I wanted to also note that today I've been in an EF that has incapacitated me to do anything, and that's ok. I just can't get my surroundings, so it's ok.

There are so many different connections to the traumas we experience. Your reason for being triggered by journaling makes sense. Even if you didn't know the reasons behind your distress, your feelings are legitimate. I picked up on "I feel stupid" because I realize that I say that fairly often in my therapy sessions.

I'm sorry you are in an EF, but so good that you are being kind to yourself.

Thank you San and notalone for your support. Your words made sense to me, and helped me feel not alone in this.

I've been feeling this whole day estranged. I had a horrible nightmare, or the first vivid one I've had. I feel separated from my family, like I'm not really here when around them. At dinner, I think I was having a mild panic attack. I don't know the right term, but I know that it was hours after I had woken up, and was the time when I usually start processing my dreams. But I felt like with this one I couldn't. So while I was sitting there, I think my heartbeat was going faster. And adrenaline was going high up.
I just feel lost to be honest. This isn't something that I can deal by my own. Especially now I'm scared to go to sleep.

Also I wanted to send my support to those who write in their journals, i haven't been able to reply but I do read them, I'm just a bit lost these past weeks. I'm feeling very strange, like this is not my life while writing this.  Detached.

Here's some info from our glossary that may help you give words to your feelings;

QuoteDerealization - This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though the world around them is not real, that they are in a dreamlike state and detached from their feelings. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).

QuoteDepersonalization – This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though they are not real, that they are disconnected from themselves, and are somewhat distant or detached from what is happening to them. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).

Are you familiar with grounding? It might be helpful to you. Some grounding techniques that help me: feel feet on floor, feel chair sitting on, cup of coffee (smell, touch, taste, hear (I slurp), name 5 things I can hear, 5 things I can feel, see, taste, smell, soft blanket. The following website describes grounding more and gives many suggestions.
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/grounding101

I hear you, Marta. You're not alone.

Thank you 3R and notalone for your help. I still feel like grounding techniques are just too much for me, or maybe I just see it as pushing back the pain.

I didn't know who to say this, or who to tell. But I thought to myself, no more silence. Today I took a walk with my brother, who has been an abuser in my life. And we talked about mental disorders. And then trauma. And it so * hurt. It hurt me so bad when we were talking. He asked me, "you know flight or fight mode? When you are near death?" And I just froze in my mind. Because sadly, he is the one that made me feel that. He was an abuser in my life. Although now, I'm completely detached from him and he no longer does much of the stuff he did in the past, he did do them to me. And so when he asked that question, of course I wanted to say yes. Yes I have felt that. Yes, I have felt like I'm about to die. Yes, I've felt that I have given up my body to him.

I'm so thankful that there are people who listen. I'm so thankful for this forum. I'm so thankful that there are real people, who will protect me, and won't do the things that he did to me. I'm so thankful that abusers are not the only people in this world. So I just wanted to say a thank you to everyone who has contributed to this forum, who share their experience so we, survivors, don't feel alone like our abusers have taught us. :grouphug:

Thanks, Marta, for this reminder: "I'm so thankful that abusers are not the only people in this world."

I get into periods when I find it hard to believe that yes, there indeed are others who do get it. Sadly, those understanding sorts are often survivors themselves, but that actually gives more credibility to what they do say. They've nothing to lose, have endured some of the worst parts of life and -- survived.

Thanks again for your insights, Marta.  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry for everything you are going through.  :bighug:

Thank you everyone for your support, it was and always is appreciated.

I'm speechless right now. I need to write this down. I don't know what to do.
Tw: mention of su*cide, upsetting information about it, and a*use————————

I had a conversation with my father, firstly so I would tell him to stop asking me about su*cide and what I thought of it (he did this right before, at dinner). And then he started asking me questions. And the one thing he kept repeating to me, asking me, was, "How come people nowadays choose to kill themselves, when I had a * childhood with a father who left and a mother who abused me but never thought of taking my life?" He kept on asking why do people do that if he never thought of it when he was being hit and terrorized. I told him that I've had these thoughts. But for him it was just surprise. I don't know what to say to that.
I know he has childhood pain. I can feel it, I've always felt it whenever he talks about the terror and the stories. And I know this is some way of pushing his pain out, asking me over and over in such an unemotional and distant way, as if taking someone's life was not serious.
But I don't know how to react. I don't know what to think. I sometimes feel like this is useless what I do, trying to open up and be thrown at with old sayings or just hurtful things. When I'm writing this out, the inside part of me is quivering in fear, as if not going through all this pain and upsetting feelings to try and open my FOO's minds  is unacceptable. Like I have to be open because they're family, because it's my duty, because it's what's right. As if misunderstanding was my fault.

Thank you if someone has read this far. I also wanted to note that I feel a bit disgusted at this whole thing.

Marta, I'm sorry you're having to listen to things like that from your F. It sounds to me like the old comparison game that so many of us get subjected to in our FOOs.

I'm glad you reached out here :thumbup: Can you try some self-care for the part of you quivering in fear? Like cuddling under a blanket or anything else that helps you. You are not responsible for his childhood pain. Only your F can deal with that. Only you can decide if opening up in your FOO is worth it for you. Sending caring, gentle  :hug: :hug:

Thank you, Blueberry for your care. I feel like the part has since disappeared a bit, behind walls and sheets of blankets.

It sounds like your father is not able to look beyond his own experience. If he dealt with his childhood in a certain way, then everyone else should too.

Your experiences, struggles and feelings are valid. Sending care to you.

Hi Marta,
Sending you a supportive and gentle hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi marta, I'm sorry you had to deal with that, that sounds awful. None of this is your fault. Our FOOs are very good at making us feel ever so responsible for them, and we aren't. It's really hard. How are you doing now?

Thank you Hope, and notalone for your support. Your words helped when I was really upset over the conversation.

Thank you owl for your kind words and your compassion, it took me by surprise your question, as you may know, when someone shows empathy to you.
My parts have been very secluded and blocked, I'm feeling that they are very scared and terrified. 3 days ago I set an appointment with a therapist, and this just sent me in a whirlwind. A number of parts have just become so little, leaving me with restless nights. Anxiety for a meet up tomorrow has also shown more EFs and other parts completely in overdrive. This one quote stuck to me, from an article that was shared in the section on anxiety here:
"For someone dealing with complex trauma, the anxiety they feel does not come from some mysterious unknown source or obsessing about what could happen. For those who have experienced trauma, anxiety comes from an automatic physiological response to what has actually, already happened."

This brought me some light. I've always, since I was little, have had extreme anxiety before a meet up or anything like that, getting worse every year. And now I just see it in a different way.

That sounds really rough, I'm sorry there is so much upheaval for you right now. That quote makes so much sense, I saw that recently too. We've already had the worst things happen to us, no wonder we're panicked and scared. Sending care and support.

Thank you owl for your reply. It was very scary my first and second time with the therapist.

Today, I went to a friend's house and played games: board games and video too. But my perfectionism set in. And it was horrible. My muscles tensed to the extreme and I was in so much pain (physically and emotionally) at the end. Right now, when I'm writing this I feel ashamed and scared and hurt. What kind of trauma does not allow me to enjoy board games? Childhood games? Have I been always this stressed and with extreme fear whenever I played? Even when I was a kid? I can't wrap my head around it. I envy those who enjoy and feel the fun when they play with others.
I just feel so alone and lost.

Hi Marta,
I am sorry that you're feeling alone and lost, and I wanted to send you a gentle hug of support, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope for your care. The little appreciates it and wants to give you a flower too. I wanted to note that reading this back, it sounds and feels like a little’s emotions. Like kid’s emotions, when all they (I) wanted to feel was fun and laughter and be free and not traumatized.
I think I’ve never enjoyed a game in my life. Stolen childhood.

Marta, I understand what you mean about a stolen childhood.  It's hard to laugh and feel free and have fun when you have been abused from such a young age and have always had to struggle to survive without ever having been able to just live.  I hear you and would like to offer safe hugs to you and your little if you want some  :) :hug: :grouphug:

Quote from: marta1234 on May 31, 2020, 05:41:54 AM
Thank you everyone for your support, it was and always is appreciated.

I'm speechless right now. I need to write this down. I don't know what to do.
Tw: mention of su*cide, upsetting information about it, and a*use————————

I had a conversation with my father, firstly so I would tell him to stop asking me about su*cide and what I thought of it (he did this right before, at dinner). And then he started asking me questions. And the one thing he kept repeating to me, asking me, was, "How come people nowadays choose to kill themselves, when I had a * childhood with a father who left and a mother who abused me but never thought of taking my life?"

Marta your story resonated with me big time. I've been having issues with my wife's family and suicide. I've definitely thought about the concept and have definitely considered self harm.  Additionally, two employees I worked with passed due to the act and there were a few instances during my time in the Navy.

They own a small plumbing shop and one of their employee's  son committed suicide. I never knew the individual but the event brought me right back to my days in the Navy. I had to take a sailor twice to the hospital due to being suicidal and shortly after I left two sailors from the ship committed the act. They would talk about the subject whimsically or be absolutely irreverent talking about the son. It would just throw me into a rage. It seems like you handled the topic fairly tactfully with your father. Good on you. It seems like some people just aren't capable of discussing the topic with the seriousness and respect it deserves.

Thank you Bach for your hug and support. Really appreciated.
And you're right buddy, the topic does deserve more seriousness and respect from people. Although I'm kind of saddened that afterwards I tried to reason with my father, upsetting all of my parts and not having changed anything in the end (I still afterwards came back to my stance that I don't want to discuss it any further).

—————————————
Journal entry:

I feel like I can't move. All my parts are terrified. I've said yes to a 4 day stay at a friends house for a party, and there'll be 12 of us in total staying. But this is so hard. My anxiety is over the roof, I'm feeling nauseous, my whole body hurts from another stay over that I did 2 days ago, and I'm just terrified. We're leaving tomorrow.
I feel like my trauma is so here and present, I'm thinking a thousand things at once and I can't catch my breath. I've never really found anything that would help with this anxiety. I just wish I wouldn't have to be scared. It's like I've been thrust back in middle school when I had unpleasant experiences at someone else's house and the horrible yearly family trips that we'd do all the time. I feel so alone in this nightmare. Like someone will hurt me at any moment. I just wish I would have someone to hold me right now, or maybe it's a part that's opening their feelings, and the fact that there was no one to protect me or hold me when those horrible things happened to me. I'm feeling very hopeless.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so anxious.

You say that it feels as though you're back at middle school, and maybe a part is opening their feelings. This makes me wonder if the part still thinks they're in that situation. Maybe they don't realise that they're overwhelming you? It's just a thought, please ignore if it's not helpful.

Sending you a hug of support. :hug:

Yes, Snowdrop, I think that they do. Anxiety and hypervigiliance is what I'd feel especially in middle/high school when around group of girls, also who I do not know. I just want to tell that part that I won't be alone, there will be my best friend (who I'm very close with) for support (she's the one throwing this party).
Thank you again for your support, Snowdrop and your hugs. :hug:

Something that helps me if parts are activated like that is to ask them to give me space, and stop overwhelming me. I tell them that I can still give them attention, but I need space in order to do so. I find this calms them down, and it puts me back in the driving seat.

I hope it goes ok. As you say, it's different now. You won't be alone, your supportive best friend will be there. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop for that tip. I'll use it when I feel better.

I don't know what to say. I feel so alone right now, even if I do have people that care about me. I feel like I'm endlessly alone. Everything is too much. The pain is unbearable. I'm thinking that past feelings are coming to me, and it brings me pain when I feel it. I'm very scared and vulnerable. Will I ever be not scared? Why am I like this if there is no underlying reason? I wish I could feel love and support without being so scared of it.

Marta, your post feels like one I could have written today.  I read this right before doing a yoga session (Yoga for Grief with Yoga with Adriene) and I noticed my heart so full for you, me, and all of us suffering.  I feel so much for us in those moments where nothing is exactly wrong but we aren't able to feel good.  I wish it wasn't that way and yet it is.  I appreciate you sharing your story here even at points where things don't feel so great. 

Tw: mention of physical abuse

I'm looking out every window from my apartment and I see myself. Little. Scared. Afraid. Crying out loud to the people down there that why is this happening to me? Why am I being hit and forced to stand down? Why am I being hit again and again because I can't stand down? That's what my brother did to me. And I would chastise myself afterwards that I didn't stand down. That I made this mess because I couldn't keep quiet and let him hit me. I am so hurt. I am traumatized. And when I look up to the night sky from my window, that's what I see. The little girl crying, pleading that god, a policeman, someone will help her and make her feel safe.
Today is my namesday. And I feel hurt and just sorry for all those namesdays before that I've had to celebrate scared, frightened, hurt, alone. I'm sorry little Marta. I wish I could take it all away.

And thank you Rainydiary for your reply. Sending you a hug back :hug:

This part still wants to tell it’s story. And even though I’m scared and afraid of the judgement and repercussions that this part feels, I acknowledge that the part needs a space to talk about it.

However, another part has just come to front, and i think that’s one of those exile parts that is holding a traumatic memory that has made me scared of boys my age even more (I was already scared of them because of how I was treated at home). This experience happened in school when I was 14 years old. But she’s not ready to share.

Tw: physical abuse—————————-
So coming back to my other part that wanted to continue their story, they feel shame and disgust to the abuse that I would get from my brother. In my head, it was always that it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to be classified as beatings, although I (and everyone in our family) stood there watching my father do it to my older brother (which I feel like is our family secret, as no one has ever mentioned it). But other than that, what my younger brother did to me was never enough. I can only say that he hit me but not more. I read these horrible stories and think to myself that these are what classify as beatings.
The shame and disgust for my whole life is just twisting these words. I can’t get them all out.

marta,  i appreciate the effort it took to get as much out about this as you have been doing.  breaking these secrets open, speaking your truth, and doing so even w/ the fear of repercussion is huge.  i give you a lot of credit.

as far as being hit not being 'enough' to qualify as, what, trauma?  a real beating?  something you didn't deserve?  being hit, even once, is not ok.  the fact that you know suffer with and carry around all these negative emotions are the proof that what your brother did to you was more than 'enough'.  there is no comparison chart for what others go thru.  it's what it's done to us, to our minds, our ways of thinking and feeling, that count.  you have gone thru more than 'enough', and it's horrible that you had to endure any of it.

sending love and hugs to you, filled w/ care and compassion. :hug:

Thank you San for your words, it really means a lot and helped that part feel better.

I feel so sad and in pain for whatever reason. My stomach just hurts constantly. This started a day after my therapy session, when I disclosed some past and received feedback from my therapist that that's not supposedly to be. I've also been having trouble sleeping. I feel like I'm in too much physical and emotional pain to function.

Tw: mention of word a*use
Maybe it's all that physical abuse (that I talked in my last session) that is starting to show on my body, like my body remembering all of that. I feel scared when I think about this. I am scared every hour.

I'm sorry for what your brother put you through. That is a very scary thing to have happen. I'm sorry you are feeling scared now too. This stuff is hard. I have no idea if this will help with the fear, but for what it's worth, you are safe now. You survived what happened. You are just remembering now and you aren't alone. I don't know if you are able to breathe to try and help settle the fear. If you can, maybe try that.  :grouphug:

Thank you Owl for your words. I really appreciate them. Sending you some love back too :hug:

I realized right now one big trigger for me is the sentence “You are safe now”. I feel like my parts are divided on that, one side agree somewhat (or see it in logical terms that it won’t happen again?) but the other side don’t agree, as I’m still technically in the same environment (living w/ parents and siblings in the same apartment). This has become an issue for me, especially when at first I was new to emotional flashbacks and had printed out the 10 step management sheet from Pete walker, and who mentioned this sentence “You are safe now”, which I completely disagreed with. Right now, this is how the parts (littles) who disagree with the statement view the situation:
Tw: mention of a*use
my parents have abused me emotionally and I’ve seen them abusing my brothers physically, my younger brother has emotionally and physically abused me, and my older brother has just stayed by and done nothing. So, these parts will not forgive them and will not suddenly now agree that everything is ok now and that we (my system of parts) are safe. I’ve been wondering if someone who is in a similar situation like me thinks like this too.

I'm sorry marta, I didn't realize you were still living with your family. That was a big assumption on my part. It makes absolute sense that you don't feel safe, how could you given that you are in the same environment? A lot of the perspectives for trying to heal and to manage flashbacks often try to anchor you to your actual safety now, but for you, you're not in a situation like that yet. The best I can do is that when you're having a flashback, is that you aren't alone. You have our support here, and some day, whether that is soon or a bit of a longer wait, you will be safe.  :grouphug:

Thank you Owl for your kind words. Brings me a smile when I read that I have support here and from friends irl too. It's ok, I'm pushing more towards the fact that I have the memories of the abuse, and although my FOO have pardoned for their "mistakes", it's impossible to forgive. It feels impossible. Especially for those littles, and I'm assuming exiles, that have these memories with them to this day. Their burdens that haunt them everyday of these horrible memories, and where is forgiveness in that? I feel like I'll have a life long journey for that. I know I haven't had the worst and that I'm fortunate to have a FOO that opens up to their "abuse", but the acceptance still seems far.

Hi Marta,
I've read the last couple of things you wrote in your journal here, and wanted to say that I relate to what you wrote very much.  From my own perspective I am NC (not in communication) with my FOO (family of origin) and yet I still feel unsafe and preoccupied with thoughts of them, even though it's been a few years now since I last had any contact with them.  I imagine it must be incredibly difficult to be living with your family - and I just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope for your support. I'm always glad to read your replies  :).

A little (part/exile) has wanted to share something with you (the forum I guess?). I was sleeping and I had this very bad dream that I kept on going back to. It was of my mother and she was this big monster, very tall and she was pulling me forward to her. The room was dark. And I try to get away from her. Eventually, I get a metal armor on my whole body (even face). But little me knows it's futile, like a movie where you know the ending that the character will be hurt and no justice or safety will be found. I'm grasped still by my mother and hurt through my armor, which gives up and has cracks that are opening up. I woke up then.

I'm glad that this part, young me (I don't know how old, maybe 9/8?) wanted to share this. Although to the dismay of my protectors who want to keep these kinds of  stuff inside and locked. But I'm feeling really bad right now. And I think I understand my protectors, as I'm being overwhelmed by that part. I understand keeping this locked in a cage like my protectors want to do, to protect me from these horrible things.

Hi Marta,
That little part/exile who shared that dream, I just wanted to say that it was a big thing that she did that - and I hope you feel ok for the fact she shared it, and that your protector parts also feel ok about it.  I really want to say something helpful, but maybe a very gentle hug of support might be of benefit, if it feels safe to receive that (if not, it's ok)  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, your support and hugs will always be well received! :)

It is weird though, when I wrote that and started using kid vocabulary like "monster, big" I just saw myself warping into this little girl, young.

 :hug:

Thank you Hope for your hugs, sending you some too  :hug:

I feel so broken today. Why do I push myself until I physically hurt, and even then, I could still push it until I die. I push myself to do things, for other people, and tell them, "It's okay, i can do it today" even if I can tell them i won't do it today but maybe next week?
I don't get it. I feel frustrated at myself. I listened to myself the whole day, and when I was asked to do something, I looked at myself, waiting for a response. But none came. And so I assumed I was ok and I had energy to help. But here I am, in agony and in physical pain. Why can't my parts tell me when I'm pushing myself? Why can't they tell me "no, not today. You're too tired. You need to rest.".

I'm sorry this was rambly. I've been having EFs for 2 days straight.

Hi Marta - thank you for the hug, and sending you another one  :hug:  Sounds like you've had a tough day, and also the last couple of days - EFs for 2 days straight, that's a lot.  I wondered if your parts are very young, and maybe that they can't tell you that you're pushing yourself, because maybe they don't know how to say that, or even if they can say that.  I don't know if that makes sense - and I hope you don't mind my saying that, it's what came to my mind from what you said.  I hope that you can get some rest because I think you deserve to rest and recuperate. 
Hope  :)

Hi marta, I hope you can get some rest too. That's tough, not recognizing you've reached a limit, and ending up well past it. Is there anything you can do right now to take care of yourself? For me, right now, I'm giving myself permission to take some down time and I am wrapped in my favourite blanket. Sending hugs and I hope the EFs let up  :hug:

Thank you Owl and Hope for your support. Sending love back too  :hug:
I think you are right Hope, that these parts don't have the language capacity to express this. It is very saddening if I think about it.
Thank you for your care Owl, it's just that right now I'm in a very triggering situation (car malfunction before a family trip) so I'm just trying to survive here. I'll gladly take your advice and wrap myself with warm love. Sometimes wrapping a blanket seems too much work for me.  :hug:

hey, marta,

doing too much rings a bell from my past, and it was difficult and time-consuming to re-train myself to slow down, listen to my body.  i don't know too much about parts, but i know our body talks to us, too, lets us know when it's getting to the breaking point if we listen.  maybe your parts are pre-verbal or too scared to speak up cuz of past consequences when you took time for yourself or said 'no' to someone who wanted you to do something that you didn't want to do.  i know that a lot of us have been pushed too far way too often by the unrealistic expectations of caretakers or others in authority over us.  is it possible you can let your body do the talking for a bit?

i'll add to that blanket of love to wrap yourself in. :hug:

 :hug: Marta, and I hope that you have been able to sort out the car malfunction to get to your family trip ok. 
Hope  :)

Thank you San and Hope for your support, I felt better after that and have manger to escape reality for a few days in the mountains. :)
However, next week I'm starting university and this week I had to do all the inscriptions. And while watching a video on the school's library and online services, I realized I was having an anxiety attack. My heart beat was gradually getting faster and the tension in my forehead was horrible (still is...). Sadly I realized that I must have been anxiety attacks most days when I was finishing high school, because I just remember doing my homework with a fast heartbeat and unbelievable tension in my body. I just feel scared right now that this is my reality. I don't like have anxiety attacks.

I hope the anxiety lessens and that you can find a way to reduce it. I still struggle with that for myself, so I have no magic solution to offer unfortunately, but I really wish I did. I can offer hugs though, if those are of any help. :hug:

Thank you Owl, hugs are always appreciated. :) Sending support and hugs to you too on your healing journey, even if you are taking a break now  :hug:

I don't know how to put this into words. A person, that had been a friend (?) in my middle school years (she moved away afterwards), just insulted me (by text) in so many ways that it feels like a punch to the gut. I had initiated the conversation because I was worried (for her) after 2 years of silence, but she reacted by using sarcasm and insults. And now I realized, which I feel like we both came to the conclusion, that for these 3 years after she moved, I've kept this fantasy of our friendship in my head. I exaggerated our relationship based on the good feelings I had in middle school, as I felt (at the time) she was the only who understood me.
I feel scared right now. How can a person whom you exaggerated in your head for years have so much power over you? I feel broken. I don't know what to do. I'm so sensitive because my 14 year old part is activated and doesn't know how to cope with this. Imagine, she had this fantasy in her head that this person will always understand her and not say insults at her like everyone was doing to her back home. And now, this person, has done the same thing: insulted her in so many ways and used cruel sarcasm to hurt me.
I'm at a loss of words. This is so triggering.

Feeling for your hurt part, Marta. It's hard as we (or at least I've experienced) have so few solid friends to begin with.

No words do justice now; only the sorts of feelings which support you with this. Hope it's alright to offer a  :hug:. I wish I could add to it; feel like sharing a cup of calming tea with you; in spirit that's what I'm doing. Please take care -- you are still a wonderful being who deserves better.

I'm sorry that happened marta, you didn't deserve that.  :hug:

To 14 year old part, I hear how hurt you are by your friend. I'm so sorry.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I hope my part can process this and is allowed to grieve. It feels like such a loss.
Thank you everyone for being here, you have really helped me to accept my parts as best as I can and learn to be better  :grouphug:

I'm going to be staying in our apartment for a week until my family gets back. I am alone. But it feels like old trauma is coming back up. I am in hyper vigilance the whole time, and scared so bad that I can feel throughout my whole body. I can feel that the majority of my parts are terrified to be in their own skin. Last year I also stayed in the apartment alone for a week, but it was such a bad experience. I felt scared everyday, and felt worse when I'd have to come home after school.
Why does cptsd have to be like this? Why do I have to feel all these scars? I'm scared and don't want to feel that anymore (for this one week at least...).

I find the fear is so, so hard to deal with. Is being alone what is so frightening to you? Or is it because family is away that there is space for trauma to come up?

:hug:

I think both. Because family is away, it is so painful to look at everything and not feel the trauma. And because I'm alone, my brain immediately gets triggered into hyper vigilance mode 24/7. It's just hard. My being alone triggers me to a state in the past when my brother would perversely check if I was alone and then only do stuff to me (not s*xual, just physically and verbally abusive). I feel like this is something that I'm deeply ashamed of.

 :hug:

Thank you San for your hugs, there are always appreciated by my younger parts. :) Sending you one back too :hug:

That's really tough marta  :hug: For me, being alone is my safety. It must be so hard for you to have that feel so unsafe for you. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't cause your brother to do this to you.

Does it help to have the tv or the radio going to get a sense of not being alone? I sometimes like to tune into something that is being broadcast on the radio, because I know other people are on the air in that moment and other people are listening at the same time.

Quote from: owl25 on September 16, 2020, 12:31:23 AM
For me, being alone is my safety. It must be so hard for you to have that feel so unsafe for you. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't cause your brother to do this to you.

:yeahthat: The shame isn't yours either. I'm sorry your B did those things to you. Here is a gentle  :hug:

I remember I used to feel frightened alone at home in many houses. So I'm sending compassion.

Dear Marta,
I am sorry that your B did those things to you, and I also would like to offer you a gentle hug  :hug: 

I also feel so much worse (frightened, anxious and many more feelings) if I'm alone in a house - I recall many times in the past when this would be hugely triggering to be in that situation.  I therefore also, like Bluebery said, feel compassion and empathy.

Hope  :)

Thank you owl, blueberry and hope for your support. :hug: I still don't understand why it was so hard for me, so I don't have much to add. But I do want to note that many parts find the responsibilities of being alone and memories connected to the "being alone".
I just wanted to answer to Owl that the tv or radio doesn't help, it seems that the TV makes my parts tense (so I haven't used it).

Dear Marta,
Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope for your hug, I was very happy to receive it  :) . Sending you a hug too  :hug:

TW: mention of thoughts of s*xual abuse—————————

I have this secret that I've kept to myself for the whole time after it happened. I haven't even managed to utter the words to my therapist. So please be warned if this is a triggering topic.
When I was about 14 (or so), something happened that made me feel a certain way. After my b had done something to me (probably angry and might have used physical force on me), I remember sitting on the cold floor and feeling that my body has been used. My b has never s*xually abused me, but at that moment I felt like he had. Like he had r*ped me. And I feel shame thinking about that. Partly because I don't know why would I think something so serious that didn't actually happen, and I know that a lot of people here have had that happen to them. So I have never wanted to belittle that kind of abuse. 

Marta,
I read your post. I hear you. I believe you. Your feelings about what happened matter.

Thank you for your support notalone. Sending you a hug filled with gratitude :hug:

I read your post too Marta. I believe you. Your feelings count. I don't feel as if the CSA done to me is belittled by your experience at all. Sending you a supportive :hug:

Your experiences do not invalidate others' experiences. What happened to you and how you feel about it is real and valid.  :grouphug:

Thank you Blueberry and Owl. Sending hugs to you both too  :hug: . Thank you for always supporting me. It sometimes feels strange that people actually say the opposite of what my IC tells me everyday. That instead of bad things that I always here from myself/internalization of b , people (close to me) tell me good things. :)

Tw: mention of physical abuse

I don't know how to say this in words. I want to say that I've always been silent about these things, but more it feels like I don't want to show the world how much my b's abuse on me affected me. At first, when I was little, I think I showed that what he did to me constantly affected me badly. But I think when I got older, like 11 and 12ish, there no longer was indifference from after he had done something, but shame and disgust at me. I remember if I would cry, he would laugh. If I would look worse after him hitting me or forcing me to do something, he would verbally abuse me, and would make me feel more afraid of him if I showed I felt worse afterwards (I hope this makes sense). At the end, it just became this cycle, where he would hit me, I would wait until he stopped, then find a quiet place to cry until my body could no longer cry. And then, after I had cried out my eyes as much as I could, I would wipe my face or splash some water, and practice smiling in the mirror so I don't look so red. And then I would leave, hoping my b didn't notice anything.

Even writing this out now I want to minimize all the physical abuse that I endured. Because I realize that this was my reality for years, everyday. And I so badly didn't want to show anyone that I was becoming so affected by it, for one, because I was afraid, but for the most part, because I didn't want to let him win. I remember telling myself to not be so sensitive to the horror and to not be weak because of what my b did to me everyday. I remember repeating this mantra in school and at home. In bed and during sports. At 12 years old and at 17 years old.
I feel very scared these days. But I'm ok. And I realize I've been telling myself that I'm ok ever since I was a little girl. I don't think I'm ok. I don't think I'm ok, world.

Hi Marta,
I just wanted to send you a very gentle hug of support, if that's ok  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: . Hope you're doing well and sending you lots of support :)

Hi Marta. It is great that you are able to speak up now, and say that you are not ok. That is great progress. Your B is not here any more. I believe one day, you will be ok. Not just saying so, but really ok. Sending you strength and support.  :hug: if it helps.

Thank you Jazzy for your support  :hug: .

Marta, really brave of you to make the statement that you are not okay. This is a safe place to be "not okay." You were affected by your brother's cruel abuse. You have a right to all your feelings.

Thank you Notalone for your validation. I seem to realize the true meaning behind not being ok. It gives some power back to me when I wrote the sentence down. :)

 :bighug:

Thank you Owl for the big hug. I very much needed it.  :hug:

I found myself doing something other people have talked about, reading and scrolling by other's posts to delay writing in my journal. There is this thing that I've never told anyone out of fear. I've had it since I was in middle school. The "adult life" fear.
I fear being an adult (I'm in my first year of studies, living with my parents). I have feared having a job. I fear moving out. I fear having to do anything for my career. I fear having a future. I fear having responsibilities. And I know this sounds stupid or silly. I don't know why I have this terrifying fear, that has haunted me everyday in my school work and "future" aspirations.
This has made me feel alone, detached from people close to me. It reminds me of my childhood, when I'd feel alone with all my trauma and reality.

Your fears (or any of your feelings) are not silly.

Thank you Notalone.  :hug: I need to remind myself to stop minimizing my my feelings or past trauma.

 :yeahthat: (to notalone's post)

Well done on writing it here :thumbup: :applause:

If I think back to when I was at school from about 11 years old onwards, I certainly felt very nervous and uncertain about my future. :fallingbricks:  I think back now and realise that shouldn't have been a worry for me at that age. But it was. It had a lot to do with the family I grew up in and the way I was treated by them. Later maybe in my late teens I don't know if it was fear. I think more just a profound belief that I was unable to get a job and that I felt out-of-my-depth with all those adult things. So you are definitely not alone! I'm sending you support  :hug: :hug: :hug:

There are some families where all children grow up believing in themselves and their abilities which include ability to move forwards, ability to become a fully-functioning adult. I didn't grow up in that kind of family.

Thank you Blueberry for sharing. It helps me feel less alone.  :hug: It's sad that I grew up in a dynamic that created me to fear adult responsibilities. I really do feel like it comes back to me being a child, but faced and enduring adult life problems.

Yes it is sad. 

Quote from: marta1234 on December 07, 2020, 09:28:49 AM
I really do feel like it comes back to me being a child, but faced and enduring adult life problems.

I appreciate the way you say that, it helps me too.

I feel a bit self conscious for posting this much, but I also wanted to start doing what Blueberry, Dollyvee and others have been writing; their IFS journeys. I find it very healing when I read theirs, so I know it will be of benefit for me.

IFS

I went through the glass door to the other side (protected by a high glass wall). I had a lantern and a ball of light (shapeshifting into a dog), it was very dark and gloomy. I started up a path until I found a cottage. I could hear laughter and talking inside. Immediately, a group of people come out, in armor and swords. I understand that they are the protectors.
I am able to become my Self, taking the form of a crutched man, as my little girl comes out of hiding and presents her self. A woman protector comes out, demanding me to leave. I ask her to follow me to the other side, so I can show her that there is more. The protector follows me, my little girl and the dog. On the other side, there are clouds, pastures with hills. A very strong wind is blowing us. I tell the protector that I wish her no harm, but that there is more than the cabin in the dark. I wished her well and she left.

This was very emotionally consuming. I might come back in several days.

Marta, just want to support you and your IFS journey.  :hug:

I'm glad you were able to show the protector that there's more. :hug:

Fearing adult responsibilities makes a lot of sense to me. I can relate to that quite a lot. It's really tough.

It sounds like you have a lot of caring protectors and that they've done their job very well for all these years. I am glad you were able to show one of them the other side of the glass wall.  :hug:

Thank you everyone for your kind messages after I shared my IFS. I'm struggling right now, so I'm reminding myself there is some kindness in this world. :)

I'm sorry you're struggling. Sitting with you, if that helps, and putting a soft blanket round your shoulders. :bighug:

Sending lots of support  :hug: :hug:  Give yourself the time you need. It's OK to go at your own pace.

You don't post too much at all on here. I can relate to feeling self-conscious about it, but there is no need for that.  :hug:

Like Snowdrop said, how great it is that you could show them the other side  :applause:  That they don't have to stay in the dark and there are greener pastures out there. Hopefully they will join you there soon  :hug: It's not easy to uncover this stuff, so give yourself time to process it.

Thank you for your support and care.  :hug:

TW————

I don't know how to write this out. Maybe because Christmas is coming and everyone has these jolly plans. And because Christmas "holidays" always meant, "get together" with family. I am forced to see my abuser.
I feel silly writing this. I have "prayed to god" so many times so I wouldn't have to go through humiliation or anything worse, during these times. I feel silly because no one around me seems this way. Mother is ecstatic. Father too. Other sibling is indifferent. And I feel crazy, sitting in my bed, writing this out and feeling this intense fear. I don't know how normal families are.
I'm afraid because during my abuser's stay here, he will be staying in my room. On his own bed. And how can I possibly  sleep with him in the room? I want to shout this from the rooftops. Although, I know that I'm an adult now, and nothing will happen to me. But I hear his voice in my head. Those menacing sounds and all of the verbal abuse. I also see him in my mind. I see him going to his bed, playing over and over in my mind.

I feel silly writing this out. I'd always keep this in. How can you feel so little towards a man, when you're not? I sometimes feel that if I disappeared, nothing would be left of me. I feel so hallow. There is nothing in me that feels like something.

Oh no, that's awful Marta. A lot of things you've written about your abuser resonate with me, and I honestly don't think I'd be able to cope with this situation. Writing it out is definitely not silly.

Is there any way of at least changing the sleeping arrangements? I'm concerned about you.

Sending much love and support wrapped up in a big hug. :bighug:

Snowdrop, thank you for your care. It means a lot. To be honest, I'd wished someone had said this when I was little. I wished some adult, my parents or someone, had told me that they were concerned about our sleeping arrangements (I had to share a room with my brother from when I was small till 15 years old). It traumatized me for sure.
I feel like the fact that I stayed quiet for all those years when sharing a room, just comes back to me as an intense EF. It's just hard when I think about it. I feel like a little girl, my most vulnerable state, when I think back to that to this day. I also think that I have lived my whole for my brother: for his approval and punishments at the same time (I hope that makes sense). I always thought that I was the scapegoat, and that's what I'll always be. Because he succeeded in putting that thought in me.

I wished we (everyone on the forum) didn't have to go through uncomfortable circumstances in present life (mine as an example), but it sometimes works out that way. I think I'll just grieve this EF, because not having a safe spot to sleep for my whole childhood, even into teen years, is such a loss that so many people (I feel) take for granted.

Quote from: Snowdrop on December 10, 2020, 10:47:27 AM
Oh no, that's awful Marta. A lot of things you've written about your abuser resonate with me, and I honestly don't think I'd be able to cope with this situation. Writing it out is definitely not silly.

Is there any way of at least changing the sleeping arrangements? I'm concerned about you.

Sending much love and support wrapped up in a big hug. :bighug:

:yeahthat:  :bighug:  :grouphug:

For me what resonates especially is the idea that you have to put up with things like the sleeping arrangements, I mean your family just seem to expect it. You do have a right to say "No!". It took me years to dare. In fact it's only come slowly in the last 3-4.  I do know with your and my kind of past it's really hard to say so. I can only do it because I'm far away geographically. In the company of FOO I can hardly defend myself. I feel like Snowdrop - I couldn't handle this situation. Could you go anywhere else over Christmas? A friend's house or somewhere? Maybe even a temporary shelter for women? I'm concerned about you, about your emotional welfare.

Please know that you have me and undoubtedly a bunch of other members from here in your corner. We are here for you and there will undoubtedly be some of us checking into the forum over Christmas to gather and/or give support!  :hug: :hug:

Thank you Blueberry for your concern.  :hug: I have to say though that fortunately, I do have an understanding family, and I know that if anything were to happen between me and my brother, they would come and defend me in a second. I know that I have that "privilege" (although I hate using that word) that many of you don't. I'm very grateful for that. However, present apologies don't erase the bad memories from the past.

I'm very grateful for this community and the support. I will remind myself, as Blueberry said, to come here for support when the real holiday comes around. :grouphug:

 :hug:

Thank you Hope for the hug. Sending you a big one back! :bighug:

That sounds really hard with the sleeping arrangements. I agree, see if something else can be arranged if at all possible. I don't think it's unreasonable to want your own space. It's hard when certain things have always been done a certain way, it becomes expected somehow, and it's very hard to break away from it just because. But you are allowed to speak up and you are allowed to have your own space.  :hug:

Thank you Owl for your words, I forget that I can speak up. This time however, no better arrangements can be done as it's pretty cramped and there is no extra space. I'm still very thankful for everyone's care, and I do understand that the emotional toll on me will be immense, but I do want to spend time with my parents and other brother during the festivities.

Journal entry 14.12.2020:

I've failed two things: my schoolwork and a gift that I've been working on for two months for my mother (it's an album). My schoolwork I failed because I fail it always. I never feel I've done enough, and every time I work harder than the average student, I still get the worst grades because my language skills are below normal (below the language level of a 10th grader). And I failed to finish my gift on time because I won't have time to complete it until the end of this week, and Christmas is already coming but it probably won't be created and shipped back to me until next year.

Tw: extreme self loathing, mention of PA

I hate myself. I hate that I try to make it all perfect but fail to do so. Schoolwork is just so hard, from a young age I'd be "helped" by my b for my schoolwork and left alone with him. I'll just say, that trying to learn with my abuser (who got worse with the years), afraid of any mistake I'd make, did not help me at all. This process, that happened many times during my school years, traumatized me, because here I was left alone in a room, supposed to "study" with a person that a day before or in the future (will) physically a*use(d) me. But I had to sit there and receive all of his critiques.
School was not an escape for me. It was a reminder of what people can do, with their role as a teacher. Because my b's shadow haunted me from a very young age, I took what was happening at home and copied it to the school environment. What happened to me at home was: my b could the day or moments before hurt me with physical pain and EA, and then go into this "teacher" role, being all nice and "teaching" me to do this or that, and immediately afterwards go back to EA and PA towards me hours after or the next day.
Although teachers never did that to me, I consciously assumed that there is still danger of that being a possibility as it was happening at home, so I saw my b in all the teachers, and feared them all the time.

I hope some of this makes sense, I'm trying to patch things in my past. Any way, the failures that I mentioned above are still gnawing at me, and my IC is very rampant right now. I realize that most of my IC is actually my b's voice and all of the horrible things he has said to me.

Can your two brothers share the room instead of you with one of them? (I assume other brother will be staying as well?) Or can you sleep on the couch? (not sure if that helps)

I can sleep on the couch, thank you for your care Owl. Sending you a big hug (when you're ready to receive) because I know you've been having a difficult time :hug:

I have this big shame when I think of Christmas. I feel ashamed when I don’t have the energy to buy/make gifts for my family members. It’s like my worth is the present’s value (how creative it good it is). I feel like this has come from my childhood, when I was afraid of being emotionally neglected by my parents, so I had to show my love for them through gifts. However, the painful truth was that at the time (as I wasn’t able to buy anything) when I was young I wasn’t able to make “nice things”. I mean when you’re 11, 12 years old you aren’t the best artist.
Christmas just makes me afraid. I feel like it’s the trauma resurfacing. Maybe I’m afraid that I’ll be alone next year. I feel that every year I didn’t know if I’d make it to the next year, and these feelings always came up at Christmas time or New Year’s.
I feel scared, restless, in pain.

Tw: mention of PA
Edit: I had this realization come to me. One of my parts has been holding this in. I am afraid of failing any school work because of possible PA repercussions. When I was young, as my brother taught me things in different subjects when needed, I was always afraid of disapproving him and making a mistake. Although I never received any PA because of bad school grades, I was always afraid of it happening as I would be physically a*used every other day. This is why I have always feared teachers of any sort.

marta, I'm sorry you seem to having a really stressful and hard time these past few days. Your long post on Dec. 14th makes a lot of sense to me.  :hug: :hug:

As I think san once said to me: that ICr can just pipe down!! I find present-making and wrapping and sending really stressful. I'm not sure what all is behind it, but definitely FOO stuff. If as in your case and mine there was a lot of EA then ime all sorts of seemingly easy every day activities can be really, really difficult and don't get done in time etc etc. It's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on what was done to you! 

Perfectionism? Often there seems to be trauma behind it. For me too. My T says that humans are by nature imperfect. Not as an excuse to abusers or anything like that but to remind me that this 110% perfectionism that FOO expected in various situations and that I strove to reach in an attempt to avoid EA and CSA is and was unattainable. Ignore if that's not relevant to your situation.

I'm so glad you'll be able to sleep on the couch and hope you'll feel safer there. Sending  :hug: :hug: :grouphug: comfort and lots of good energy from the forum to ease the pain and fear. There will be people on the forum in the coming days and at Christmas, so just reach out!

Thank you Blueberry, your hugs brought a big smile for me :) . Thank you for your insights, I do think too that I strived to be 110% as you said to avoid EA and PA. Thank you again for reminding me to come by the forum when it is Christmas. Sending you a bundle of hugs back  :hug:

How to write this. I'm very scared and have been contemplating whether to write it.
I'm in an EF. A scary one.

TW: tmi, mention of EA
It feels like my whole body is in pain, and I want to run away but I can't. I was so afraid that I might (tw: tmi) thr*w up.
I received help from my brother for a school paper. And I don't feel relief. I feel scared. When I gave it in, my first thought wasn't that I was thankful for my brother's help, but that this shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be afraid of receiving his help, and when I do, I shouldn't feel like I'm supposed to thank the gods. I also know that in my childhood he would use whatever he had helped me with as leverage, and make me do things for him. I feel so scared even talking about it.
And so I don't know if I even feel grateful for his "help". It feels so fleeting. Why did I have to go through this? Why did he choose me as his scapegoat, as his slave?

 :hug: :hug: :bighug:

Thank you Blueberry  :hug: . I caught myself thinking that I don't deserve a hug or love. My IC is rampant right now. This might have been a thing my b would say. It feels sad if it's true.

marta, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here and reading.  You do deserve hugs and love, so here are some!  :hug: :bighug: :grouphug:

Thank you Bach, the hug warmed my heart.  :hug:

I've been thinking, how do you deal with failure? I've been having a routine for 3 weeks now (running once each 2 days), but today I failed to do the run that I was supposed to (I mismatched my clothes, put too much on and it became too hot). And I realized that after that mistake, I constantly was/am looking for things to do to feel productive and that this day was not a waste. It is very confusing. I feel so much in my mind, my IC going on and on. It scares me though that I can faintly distinguish voices in my mind. They are becoming louder and louder. Sometimes I feel that they are tracks of EA (insults) that my b would say to me, playing over and over. Now though I hear a voice in my head saying it all.

Hi Marta, I just read your last post here, and I can relate. In my own work, I went from kind of laughing at the very concept of an inner critic, to realizing that I do indeed have vague and horrifying internal abuse happening in my head, to finally having the IC appear as voices some of the time. It is disconcerting, but maybe it's a part of the process of becoming more aware of the IC. We can be so hard on ourselves about what we perceive to be failures and mistakes. It's painful stuff.  If it's okay, I'm sending a hug  :hug:  ~ Viola

Thank you Violet Magenta, and a hug is always appreciated :)

Hi Marta,

I am also sending you a hug  :bighug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, sending you a big one too  :hug:

Just trying to put one step forward these days. The closer it gets to the end of the year, the more triggering it’s for me and harder.

Edit: I came back and felt the need to at least speak it out. I’m struggling with a lot right now. My mind doesn’t stop churning, I’m thrown back into EFs constantly, I am in a very negative inner state, and the inner critic recordings are playing over and over.
I don’t say this to make myself look weak or gain pity from people. But this is not what I feel. I wrote this sentence out as a defensive measure, but inside I feel the opposite. There are so many parts in me that are against this “weaker” version of me. They are trying to fight it and lock it up.

TW
I’m grieving all the times I spoke up about what happened at home (never in details ofc), and saying that I was afraid of my b. And all those times no one batted an eye. One time I told a friend in school that I was afraid of my b because he used physical force on me, and she said that she understood. She also had done that to her siblings. I was heartbroken after that. I had opened up to a friend, and they minimized my abuse to as little as an ant. After that, I felt like everything was my fault. Another time at the end of a session, I told my therapist (at the time) that again, I was afraid of my b, and she told me to write my feelings in a letter. What I felt. In a letter. And I know that that therapist wasn’t trauma informed, but still, how could someone react so nonchalant? I feel broken about being misunderstood so many times. The subtle cues I’d give my mother. The subtle cues I’d show to my other sibling of how it was. But no one noticed. I feel this hurt over being not being seen as silly. I want to say that so many have had it worse. I should be grateful for the minor things I got. At least it wasn’t as bad as other people got. And here goes my inner critic again.

Maybe others have had it worse, but so many others had it better too, dear marta. You shouldn't have had to live in fear of your brother, or any family member for that matter. They are supposed to be safe. Not having that safety is a huge, huge deal.  I am sorry no one picked up on it and that no one responded properly, especially the therapist.

I just read an article yesterday about trauma and why it doesn't heal on its own. What it comes down to is the trauma is perpetuated by us continuing to re-abandon ourselves. When the critical thoughts come, when we beat ourselves up, or when we minimize, we continue to abandon ourselves and our pain. To heal this, we need to be kind to ourselves. We need to stop hating ourselves for the pain we feel inside. This pain isn't our fault. I also know from IFS that the critic is there to try to protect from the pain, but it's actually not working.  I wanted to beat myself up today, but after reading the article, and knowing what I know from IFS, I instead tried to be gentle with myself. I consciously stopped myself from beating myself up, and instead connected with that hurting part of myself. It was hard, I felt the pain, but it was better than the pain from beating myself up.

I guess I am sharing all this with you in the hopes that maybe it can help with the inner critic and the minimizing. The article I read is here: https://themindsjournal.com/why-emotional-trauma-doesnt-heal/.    There is also a second page to it, click on the number 2 at the bottom. It's easy to miss with all the ads on that page.

:bighug:

Thank you Owl, your words were like clean water into a dirty lake (I hope this metaphor is understandable...).  :hug: Thank you for sharing the link, will give it a good read and for the hug, much needed :bighug:

I am glad that was helpful  :hug: Many big hugs, you deserve love and safety.  :bighug: :bighug:

Quote from: owl25 on December 22, 2020, 02:10:19 AM
Many big hugs, you deserve love and safety.  :bighug: :bighug:

:yeahthat: You did not deserve to live in fear of your brother and you did not deserve the rest of your family or friends, therapists etc etc ignoring or downplaying the signals you gave them. Your hurt is real, it is not silly.  :hug: :hug:

Thank you Blueberry and Owl for your support.  :hug:

I wanted to write this out in a place I felt safe. This is how I feel about myself: I feel that I have failed very much, everything that I have set my mind to. I have "failed" cooking, writing a story, playing piano, drawing and painting,... I'm scared to say more. A part has come by and used its role to dissociate, it seems that I've wanted a lot but "failed" at most. I don't know what to say. I feel these are memories that are overwhelming to say the least.
What to do when you have lost so much of childhood? I know it's a silly question, and can be compared to others, but I'll still put my foot on the ground and say that I have lost things. I'm just sad.

there is nothing minimized here, marta, no one's life experiences are compared to others.  we've all had it different, is all, but we've all been wounded brutally, no matter what form our abuse took, how long it lasted, how others reacted.  you are heard here, validated, supported, and cared about. 

as far as failing at things, i think we've all done some of that during our lives.  when i think about it for a minute, it may be that we didn't have the know-how, the emotional tools, or the practice it takes to succeed at certain things.  i think most of us have succeeded at surviving horrific experiences, emotional battery, and mental mind games.  we've also succeeded at pushing on even when feeling our weakest.  to my mind, that's exactly when we are at our strongest.

my dear marta, you are precious, and only deserve to be treated that way.  i'm sorry you weren't, by your foo, b, friends, therapists, etc.  i'm glad you feel safe enough to write it out here.  sending love and a hug filled with gentle kindness.

Thank you San for your words, nobody understands more than you (and everyone on this forum) do. I'll keep your message by my heart, so I don't forget.  :hug:

Marta, I'm so sorry that you have not been seen and heard in the past. I understand how that really increases the pain.

Thank you notalone for your support  :hug:

Sending you much support and a hug  :hug:

Thank you Pioneer  :hug:

Stopping by to give you some hugs for the new year  :hug: :hug: :hug::bighug:

Thank you Bach, back at you too  :hug:  :hug:

I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Past issues in my relationship (that imo is non existant except for formalities) with my b have been resurfacing. I feel scared every time I've had to face it. I don't know if anyone noticed, but I've been very reluctant and actually opposed to act and do something in my (non existant) relationship with my b. Every time I think about it, I'm just scared. I'm thrown back to being a little girl and in all of that mess of a*use. I don't think I deserve to get away from it. I'm afraid that if I find relief it will be taken away as quickly as it came.
But I know that of all people, you guys here would understand and support me. I'm scared of changing anything with my b. And I feel alone with this.

Hi Marta,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug  :hug:  I know you're feeling some feelings of overwhelm regarding your b, but I hope that you know that you aren't alone.  I realise you feel alone, but I wanted to say that I hope that you know that your needs and wants and thoughts and feelings are important.  I think so, and I care.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Marta, I understand that you feel alone. You have support and care here.

Thank you Hope and Notalone for your support and comfort. I feel like this is part of the root cause (there is still other things that contributed to some trauma) for my relational trauma and it feels so raw and very fragile in my mind. And I think it will always be like that, well for decades to come.

TW: choice of words, mention of PA and EA——————-
My b, that I do not want give the name "brother" (contrary to my other sibling), has always been a part of me. A terror in my life from day one it feels. I don't remember any memories when I do not feel tense and hyper vigilant around him (even in my earliest, which is like 6 years old that I can remember). When I was 12/13ish, I remember writing a song (just lyrics), about him being a "monster and the worst person ever" (pretty much the devil in a child's mind). And know when I think of my life and mind, every physical abuse I endured has stayed in my body (influencing every action I make), and all the emotional abuse warps my mind with voices and negative thoughts. How could such a person have so much control over your life? I feel sad.

End of TW————————

I wanted to come here and congratulate myself on being on this forum for already a year!  :cheer: (my "1 year anniversary" of my journal will be in March so...) This was a big step that I took in my long (and still continuing) recovery process. I remember having found this forum in July/June, but "I didn't have the guts" to read or relate. I still have doubts of whether if not I have cptsd, or trauma, and I know it will always be there (hopefully won't be as prevalent when I'm older).

I also wanted to add that I've been having exams this week, so very stressful and exhausting (understatement). I sometimes just feel like I want to cry, but alas, I haven't just cried uncontrollably for a year now. So inside sadness and turmoil it is.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you BB, you made me smile (much needed)  :hug:  :hug:

Marta, glad that you have been part of this community for the last year.  :hug:

Notalone,  :hug:  :hug:

I don't know what to say for today. I feel scared, frozen. I had a dream. Or more a nightmare, although I can barely connect to my emotions in it.

TW: violence————————

What I do remember is that someone was shooting at me, or trying to. And I remember bracing myself for it, for being k*lled essentially. I was protecting my m, for whatever reason, from the gun. So I put my body in front of hers. And there was this person shooting bullets at us, and until then they had missed, but I knew that eventually they will get me and I will die.
I've had many "nightmares" (I put this in quotation marks because most of them I'm unable to feel the extent of the emotions, so essentially presently they feel more like "bad dreams") but I never can connect the meaning of the emotion(s) that I'm aware to what's inside me (in my head).

I'm feeling tense, frightened and tired. I'm afraid of admitting that I'm in an EF, a part does not want to accept. I will respect that decision and will say that trauma stuff is coming back up. Scary stuff.

Sending you a safe hug, if that's ok  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug:

I just had something happen. Usually, I'd bury this with my shame inside, and all of the bad things that my IC tells me. But I know this is a safe place, and a place of support. I keep repeating this to myself, so I would feel less scared.
How to explain. I had a family member tell my b (over the phone) that I do not wish to speak to him for a while. I don't know what to feel. I also witnessed my m cry because of me (although everything is alright now, just a misunderstanding) but it still is a big fear from my childhood: never make m cry, because then you're in trouble (for whatever reason). And although it was some time back, and I have discussed the unfairness of a lot of things with my mom (she's be open with her faults and me too), it still hurts. I still felt frozen, detached, unaware, when it happened. Again, the phrase "because of me" just brings so much guilt, fear and shame. In my childhood, my m was very emotional and got fumed up very fast. So I always had to tiptoe around her and her emotions, to not tick her off.
So much in my head. It feels very discouraging. But I'm happy I shared these "shameful" thoughts. So much I've kept inside. Hopefully I'll feel better after a while.

I feel sad that you were made to feel responsible for your mom's feelings. Moms are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around.

Thank you Notalone for your validation. I haven't been able to see it that way, so it helps when I hear it from someone else.

I didn't think whether I'd want to update or write more, but it seems that I'm still struggling. I realized I've come to a point now where I know that I'm better when I don't feel the need to write on this forum frequently, and so I've been holding off writing a lot of times just to tell myself that it's not that bad. But I'm still having a hard time, so here I am.
I've been having the conversation of the phone call from yesterday (with my b) playing over in my mind again and again. Right now I have a specific sentence that I can hear in my head that my d said when talking to my b (he was the one in charge of the conversation). I feel that it was overshare of information, and although I know my d had my best interests at heart, I still feel uncomfortable. As if the situation wasn't triggering enough, this "overshare" just struck right as a trigger and has me scared even more.
Everything is very complicated. And scary. I don't know what to say.

Hi Marta,

It's difficult when thoughts come and play over and over, I've had that quite a lot myself, and it is hard to distract from them - but I hope that you are able to feel a bit better as time goes on, and that it maybe feels a bit less scary over time - I wish I could say something helpful, but I did want to send you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: It felt validating that you shared the same struggles. :)

I wanted to write something, but now feel completely disconnected. A part has come by with its role of dissociation, and is protecting me from pain. I know that.

Edit: I came back. I want to chuckle. I find this funny, but I know that this is my defensive mechanism (laughter is my protective measure). A while back I talked about school and the pressures that I felt that I could not deal with. It lead me to barely finishing my high school years (mentally). I felt horrible, everyday at school (even in my last years) was a cycle of shame and torment of fear.
Some posts ago, I delved into the why and thought about the times that my b (abuser) would "try to teach" me and how uncomfortable and honestly upsetting/traumatizing it was to be pushed to sit next to him and try to understand and "learn", when I was completely frozen next time, with memories of his abuse (I don't know if this makes sense). Sadly, my school trauma/experience doesn't end there. I was in constant fear with my grades and academic achievements because of my parents. I didn't want to lose their approval, but most of all, I didn't want to lose their love. My whole life I've been teetering on this log; do my parents still love me (and will show care and affection), or do they no longer love me, taking away any affection or care, ignoring me in the end? Although it never came to completely "ignoring", this is one of my true fears. It somehow never seemed that their love was always there, I felt (and was in constant fear) that it could slip away in a moment.

I feel sad, and emotionless. This is how trauma shows itself, it protects the deep with the small (when it's too much to bear imo). It is interesting to note that, for most of my years, I only felt anger at my FOO for the relentless abuse from my b, never could see the possibility that the responsibility and fault lies in b. And here, I felt anger towards my b, picturing that it's his fault in creating my school trauma, and although he did add to it, in the end, the real responsibility lies in my parents.

 :hug: :hug:

BB, back at you too  :hug:

it amazes me, sometimes, how we can link and re-link our past traumas to various people.  i related so much to what you said about ultimately, it belongs to your parents.  i can't tell you how many times in therapy i've processed something or some situation with a particular person in mind, and i suddenly jump backwards to my folks, how i was raised, how that affected the decisions i've made later on.  i do believe that people can be held accountable for their actions, and i also believe that for many of my decisions to stay involved w/ abusive people it goes back to my experiences in childhood.  you really rang a bell with me, marta.

so, onward.  on step at a time, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San for being here and supporting me, means a lot  :hug: Sending you love too  :hug:

TW: discussing emotional e*ting

I have kept this part of myself hidden for so long. I now got ready for bed, but having discussed this topic with my m shortly before, my thoughts kept racing and unable to stop.
I am ashamed of my eating habits, and frequent needs of eating something. I know it's linked to my trauma, food was the only thing that brought me joy (and I feel this is what I'm ashamed of). I feel like crap whenever I think about food or my eating habits, and I can't go to sleep. I hate myself so much right now that I want to sleep to disappear, but at the same time I'm terrified of closing my eyes and letting my body relax.

I'm in so much pain right now. When will this ever end?

i'm with you on this, marta.  i've got my own struggles with food and eating, so i get it.  i believe that as you continue to heal, this will sort itself out for you.  as you become more comfortable and comforting with yourself, the cravings will diminish.  they have for me, but it's been a process.  hang tough, be kind to yourself.  you're doing what you know how to do at this time to give yourself some joy, even if it's thru food.  you'll get there, i have no doubt.  and, know that you're not alone in the struggle. we do the best we can with what we have or what we know.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San so much, I feel very much less alone with this  :hug:

I hear you too marta. You are not alone in all of that.  :bighug:

Thank you BB  :hug:

I feel frustrated, discouraged, scared and hearing a lot of negativity towards myself from IC and abusers (internalized) voices.
I'm taking a big leap here. I think the biggest and only and first leap I have ever taken for my mental health. I am keen on starting this 30 day challenge. It starts tomorrow and it's mainly focused on awareness of self (which is why it's the only one I've opened myself up to).
But I'm terrified of failing. I'm terrified of failing every step, because for some reason if I fail, then my worth will be proven to be nothing. I am stressed, my thoughts are running in circles, and I cannot keep still (inside). I am afraid that it might work, I'm afraid of disappointing my abusers, I'm afraid of feeling more. I feel like if I feel more of my pain I might collapse. But then again, I feel already that at any moment I will collapse in myself (whether I feel or not). Strangely enough, I also feel alone. This sense of having been neglected that really impacted me. I feel like a child that wants to run to their caregiver, and be comforted and held tight.

For information (if anyone is interested), this is a 30 day challenge that is started with Richard Grannon. His video on this shows all the links you need (on YouTube). No pressure though, it's very intense, and completely fine if you feel unable to do it right now (for me, I couldn't do it last year because it felt too much).

 :hug:

Back at you too, Rainydiary  :hug: Thank you for the hug :)

Quote from: marta1234 on January 19, 2021, 01:06:04 AM
TW: discussing emotional e*ting

I have kept this part of myself hidden for so long. I now got ready for bed, but having discussed this topic with my m shortly before, my thoughts kept racing and unable to stop.
I am ashamed of my eating habits, and frequent needs of eating something. I know it's linked to my trauma, food was the only thing that brought me joy (and I feel this is what I'm ashamed of). I feel like crap whenever I think about food or my eating habits, and I can't go to sleep. I hate myself so much right now that I want to sleep to disappear, but at the same time I'm terrified of closing my eyes and letting my body relax.

I'm in so much pain right now. When will this ever end?

I have this struggle also. Of all the shameful things that I told my T, it was a really long time before I could share my out of control eating. That's how much shame I felt (and still feel). My T said something impactful to me. "Sugar was your mother." In other words, that's how I received comfort.