I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm having one continual FB. Everything is a trigger. For instance, I was just ordering a pizza there and one of the toppings I normally get triggered a FB. I had to abandon getting the normal topping and go for something else.
More than that though, I don't know who I am anymore. Like for instance I got another topping on the pizza that my husband likes. I don't even know if I like it. And the music I was just about to put on, I don't know if I really like it or I just thought I did because I knew it would make him happy. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have no idea who I am anymore.
I'm reading the Pete Walker book to help me through the FB'S, but as soon as I get over the anger I feel nothing and I want to feel the pain. I want to grieve, but I can't seem to at the minute.
I'm seeing a therapist next week, but how on earth do I cope until then? The therapist is days away.
Thank you for reading this.
Hey, I know exactly how you feel.
After my M left state without telling me, life was one giant EF. Anything and everything triggered sadness and rage, and if I wasn't raging, I was empty inside. It sounds really counterproductive, but I got through it by accepting the hate I felt toward her for abandoning me. I thought cognitively about my feelings instead of trying to get away from them, and labeled them. Being able to put a name to my emotions really helped.
Don't worry about the fact you are angry. Be angry. Rage. You deserve it after what you've been through. Let it all out in a way that doesn't harm anyone. Play an angry song. Rip apart a phone book. Punch your pillow until it leaks stuffing. And don't worry about stopping your anger. It will stop in time, and it won't take nearly as long to subside as if you bottle it up.
Can you talk to your husband about this? A lot of times, I use my SO for validation and support. When I feel like I'm going crazy, I can bounce my reasoning off him, and see if he agrees.
Please stay safe, and keep going. It probably feels like it will go on forever. It really, really won't. I promise you. Every day gets easier. Even if you feel like you're at square one again, you're at square one armed with the knowledge that brought you this far. You can make the journey again. Rain made a lovely post about this sort of thing. I'll see if I can find it for you.
Take care!
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Thanks so much, your words have calmed me down a lot. I'm off to have yet another cigarette because I feel rage coming back. Oh and don't worry about finding that article, I should have looked for it before. I will now. Thank you again for your words which have given me so much comfort. Like you suggest, I'll talk to my husband for a bit. I don't know how he's putting up with me though. I'm sure I'm driving him mad!
It was flookadelic that made the post I'm thinking of, not rain, but rain also makes a lot of wonderful contributions.
Here's the whole thread: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=663.0
Why do you feel you should have looked for it yourself? How were you supposed to know it existed? ??? It's really no trouble. I'm here for help and support, yes, but I like to help and support others in return. :hug:
I'm glad you are calmer now. I'm also glad to hear you care so much about your H. That, in and of itself, is a point toward your sanity.
I hope someday you figure out what you like. I felt the same way for a long time, and then decided I will try everything that crosses my path, as long as it doesn't have long-term consequences I'm going to regret.
You said it calms you down. Do you like smoking cigarettes? That can be a start. :bigwink:
Quote from: Widdiful Falling on April 06, 2015, 12:18:51 AM
Why do you feel you should have looked for it yourself? How were you supposed to know it existed? ???
You said it calms you down. Do you like smoking cigarettes? That can be a start. :bigwink:
Thank you Widdiful Falling, you made me smile when you asked how I was supposed to know it existed. You're so right! Humour is really helping me, so thank you.
Do I like cigarettes? I don't even know! All I know is that I need them when I'm in the middle of a FB.
Great news, my brain is working correctly again. It used to be that I woke up already knowing everything bad that had happened, like my cat's death, but now the left side of my brain is working again, so I wake up and for one instant I don't realise anything is wrong. Then the right side of my brain kicks in and I feel a world of pain. I keep slipping back to a freeze state though where I feel nothing and I worry about that.
I've researched it and I'm a flight/fawn hybrid and that knowledge was like a drug when I found it out. I need to find out more today, maybe by reading Pete Walker's book, and that'll give me that feeling again.
Thank you for helping me, I want to do the same for you, so I'll find any posts you've made and help you out, or you can talk here?
Hi no_more_guilt! Widdiful said it best, and I've little to add to her words. But I wanted to let you know that I understand this feeling - this emotional numbness, and the only real feeling you get is anger, and even just waking up feels terrible because you're instantly aware of all the shittiness in your life. It does get better. Hang in there. Anger isn't a good feeling, but I'd second what Widdiful said - sometimes it's the right time for it.
Thank you schrödinger's cat.
This whole thing is a nightmare. Each moment brings a new realisation and I feel like *. Now I'm considering how all my friends, well the friends I used to have, were all attracted to me because I displayed narcissistic traits while fighting the feelings I had of inadequacy. It's awful, everyone is one and I have to make new friends. I can only rely on my husband, but I know he was attracted to me because he doesn't completely know who he is himself and thought that I did. I can't begin to describe the depths this goes too. Should I try to tell him this? No, my instinct is to shut-up.
Hi, nmg,
:bighug:
I am sorry to read that you feel so alone on top of feeling triggered and confused. :hug:
The feeling of loneliness seems to somehow belong to CPTSD - I suffer from it a lot myself and am glad for the support OOTS has to offer in this respect. Like you, I've been through smear campaigns and shunning. It's horrible and isolating and leaves you with a feeling of having lost the war before you were aware that the first bullet was fired...
How many more days till your next t session?
Please be really really nice to yourself - it sounds like what you need most now are some 'emotional ointments and bandates' - something that reminds you that there are good things and good people in life, as well.
Everybody is different but here are some things that help me survive:
- A nice chick lit
- A Belgian chocolate
- A walk
- A workout
- A hot bath
- Soft music
- Listening to a TED talk
...
Please keep on posting - we're here for one another!
Sending you a thousand good thoughts! :hug:
Quote from: keepfighting on April 06, 2015, 03:05:51 PM
How many more days till your next t session?
Everybody is different but here are some things that help me survive:
- A nice chick lit
- A Belgian chocolate
- A walk
- A workout
- A hot bath
- Soft music
- Listening to a TED talk
...
Please keep on posting - we're here for one another!
Keepfighting,
Thank you for your message. It helps so much when not much else does. Thank you for all the suggestions of things to do. I'm going to look for a comedy film now. Hopefully that'll cheer me up, and of course chocolate!
It'll be my first t session. It's in three days. I really hope I can hold on. I seem to be totally consumed in my own pain and should be offering other people support. I feel like such a failure. This is just my IC, I have to stop this.
No_more_guilt, it's very good in you to want to support us. Thanks. :hug: But it's also very okay to need support and to wait a while before offering any support back. Really. Truly. Honestly. It's very, very okay. After I'd messed up my knee, it was other people's turn to offer to carry my stuff while I tried to figure out how to hop about on crutches. There's a time and a place for helping, and for asking for help. Imagine having the flu. While you're having a high fever, it's very okay to NOT make chicken soup for other people. This is the same. There'll always be someone here who needs support - plenty of time to do that later, once you're feeling better. Now is your turn. Relax. Breathe. You're doing great.
I second what SC said. Don't worry about supporting us. If you want to, that's fine, but don't push yourself. This site is really about learning to care for yourself. Especially at first, it's perfectly normal to need more support and validation from others than what you give. It's not a shortcoming, and no one is judging you for it. There's no points system, and you're not going to fail some secret test. Relax. :hug:
For many of us, this site is the first place we've gotten to talk about our own problems, without minimizing them, and have them validated. It's the first place we've been where it's fine to talk about ourselves. You're not imposing by doing any of those things. It's what this place was built for, and you're using it correctly. I wouldn't say you're a failure in any sense of the word. Your inner critic doesn't seem to know you very well.
You use the word 'should' a lot in relation to your feelings. It seems to me like you might be feeling guilty for feeling the way you do. But the way you feel right now is perfectly fine. You don't have to try to be happy or saintly all the time. When you're sad, be sad. When you're angry, be angry. The happiness will come.
Thank you for wanting to support me. It really is very touching. It warms my heart just to think that you would do something so nice for me. I really, truly appreciate it. :hug:
I hope you feel better soon, and your t appointment goes well.
Thank you schrödinger's cat and WiddifulFalling. Sorry if I spelt the names wrong and forgot anyone. I'm typing every thought that comes into my head, because for so long I've had all these private thoughts that never made sense, and now I just want to get them out because you all understand everything. I keep using the word 'just'. A teacher once told me using that that word minimizes the persons feelings, and in an effort to give myself the respect I always knew I deserved, I tried to stop using the word completely. If I ever did, it was with extreme reluctance! At the same time though, I do believe that what I say doesn't count, so I do sometimes use it. Aaaah...this is so hard. :pissed: Oh and WiddifulFalling, it make me feel so good that you were happy! Thank you for that, I needed it.
It's spot on about the word 'should'. I'm going to stop using that word as much as I can, not completely because the words needed in vocabulary. Oh no, I justify every little comment I make. I'll use humour when I notice those things in future.
Thank you all for saying I can ask for support. That means so much.
I took everyone's advise and did a yoga session for myself, and this sounds so stupid, but I stopped when my body said it'd had enough- I stopped the session before completing it. I very rarely let myself do that in the past, so I'm proud of myself. Stupid I know. Oh no, there goes my IC again telling me I'm being stupid for ever being proud of myself. When will this end! :stars:
Thank you everyone, I'm so grateful I found you all. :hug:
Quote from: no_more_guilt on April 07, 2015, 02:31:10 PM
I took everyone's advise and did a yoga session for myself, and this sounds so stupid, but I stopped when my body said it'd had enough- I stopped the session before completing it. I very rarely let myself do that in the past, so I'm proud of myself. Stupid I know. Oh no, there goes my IC again telling me I'm being stupid for ever being proud of myself. When will this end! :stars:
No more putting yourself down - taking care of yourself, 'listening' to your own needs (physical or emotional or both...) is not stupid, it's great! Keep it up! :cheer:
Thank you, keepfighting. I will. I'm having a bad EF at the minute, but I'm going over the 12-steps, so hopefully I'll be OK soon. Thanks again.
It's brilliant how aware you are of your Inner Critic. I'm having a much harder time to spot the workings of my own IC. A lot of times, I'm only spotting it afterwards, which is annoying.
Hi, nmg,
there seems to be a bit of confusion about the acronyms. IC = Inner Child; ICr = Inner Critic.
How are you doing today? Still hanging in there?
Oh right, I'm sorry. Got it, the acronym I mean. My memories actually perfect again! That makes me really happy.
I'm feeling as bad today, but my first T appointment is tomorrow which will hopefully help.
I'm starting to really panic about work though. I'm ill- a neurological condition- and I can feel things getting better, like my leg, which is fantastic. But all I keep thinking is how I'm terrified of working. Then it goes on to how I'll end up with no money and on the streets! :sadno:
It'll all work out OK won't it? I'll want to work again, once I'm better? Won't I?
Quote from: no_more_guilt on April 08, 2015, 11:49:25 AM
I'm starting to really panic about work though. I'm ill- a neurological condition- and I can feel things getting better, like my leg, which is fantastic. But all I keep thinking is how I'm terrified of working. Then it goes on to how I'll end up with no money and on the streets! :sadno:
It'll all work out OK won't it? I'll want to work again, once I'm better? Won't I?
Don't worry about that now - on day at a time. Now is the time to be good to yourself, learn to identify and take care of your emotional and physical needs and to learn that you deserve to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others. You're doing great! :yes:
I'll be rooting for your t appointment tomorrow! A real lifeline!
Thank you, keepfighting. You've been amazing. :hug:
I second what keepfighting said. Right now, while you're having so many flashbacks, your levels of energy are very depleted. It's amazing what a lack of energy does to our worldview. It's just a lot more difficult to keep up anything like an optimistic (or even just realistic) view of things. Even just simple lack of sleep or physical pain can make people slide off into a depressive, desperate mood. So like keepfighting said, the thing to do right now is recover. Then later, once you're a bit better and the world (hopefully) looks sunnier, you can always sit down and think about the issue again.
Thank you schrödinger's cat. I'm taking all the advise you've said. It's all so right. Thank you for being amazing. :hug:
I've been researching more today and I know in my heart I've found the answer. I've got disassociation identity disorder. It explains all the finer things I couldn't work out, like how I get so angry thinking I shouldn't have to do certain things, even though I feel I should. Also, every time nearly when I've been drinking before I would do all these crazy things that I couldn't remember and now I know it was that little fighter in me raising her head and saying how unfair everything is.
I've had more memories too of how I used to do all this stuff to annoy my abuser. I really made her pay sometimes for treating me the way she did. In my infantile mind I considered her being angry at me as preferable to being ignored. It all makes even more sense now than ever. I really need to see this T tomorrow. I'm really scared though because I'm feel like I'm going mad here.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your appointment. :hug: Sorry for not replying straight away. I had a really bad day yesterday and it's left me jittery and very anxious.
Quote from: schrödinger's cat on April 09, 2015, 10:30:43 AM
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your appointment. :hug: Sorry for not replying straight away. I had a really bad day yesterday and it's left me jittery and very anxious.
Don't be sorry. You replied when you could, so thank you. I know you're there and that helps so much. Big :hug: for you. I'm feeling more relaxed today what with seeing my T, so I'll be OK. I spoke to my doctor too and I'm seeing him later although I'm not sure if he believes me, but I think that's just me and not him.
I'm sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. What happened? Only talk about it if you want to though, I don't want to force you too. Even PM me if that works better. You've helped me so much and I want to help you. Another :hug:
Thanks for asking, no_more_guilt. We're having to move out of our flat within the next year or two, which wouldn't be bad - but my oldest kid had a rough few years recently, and she's extremely close with her best friend... and as a highly sensitive child, she's finding change hard to deal with and prefers things to stay as they are. So the very thought of moving made her claw her way up the drapes. I was so afraid of traumatizing her. Also, in our town, rents are up and everyone keeps telling me it's nigh impossible to find anything. So there was this sense of insecurity and helplessness. That triggered a flashback to how I felt when we were in financial trouble and my mother didn't tell us: I grew up with this sense that we were hovering over a black abyss and might fall in any moment. It was a relief when I figured out that this fear was just a flashback: it was all about my past, not really about my present. Also, I talked to my kid just now, and she seemed totally calm and confident about the idea of moving to a suburb or to another town. I'm so relieved.
Quote from: schrödinger's cat on April 09, 2015, 03:16:43 PM
It was a relief when I figured out that this fear was just a flashback: it was all about my past, not really about my present. Also, I talked to my kid just now, and she seemed totally calm and confident about the idea of moving to a suburb or to another town. I'm so relieved.
You're so right, it's all about the present. This moment here and now. It's difficult for us all to distinguish that right now, but you did it, so huge kudos to you. You're also managing your FB's in a healthier way, so you've done two things simultaneously, which is really something to be proud of.
Such a difficult thing to ask people if they're really thinking what we believe they are, but every time we do we find out it was never as bad as we imagined, so keep talking to her and everyone else. We all imagine so much is wrong, when in fact it isn't.
I'm so happy that things have worked out for you and I know they'll continue to.
Don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I had a period a couple of years ago where I didn't know what I thought about any music, movies.... didn't know if I was hungry, thirsty... everything was just disconnected. Very, very unpleasant.
:hug:
I've experienced that and my first reaction is let it happen because each event is information that you can take to therapy. Stopping it for me turns into repression and then when I go to therapy I have nothing to say. It's painful but it won't kill you.