being able to break thru the feelings of helplessness at what's going on in the world felt good today. i can now accept that people are going to do what they are going to do, and it's something important for me to realize that i can't fix it. always had that pressure on to fix things for people or situations. don't have to do that now.
it's quite freeing, actually. didn't think it could be, but if feels as if some of the shackles have been shrugged off. this is the best i've felt, for the longest time running, since sept. i've been able to resolve my anxiety before bed and acquire this knowledge that i can and do accept people will act in ways that i don't agree w/ or that i view as dangerous, disrespectful, or dishonorable. 3 d's, for sure - i've witnessed it and experienced it too many times. glad to get that out of the way.
so, a new journal with a new perspective. i don't feel stuck anymore, which is such a relief. what, 7 months or so of that? way too long.
will be getting into some of my childhood stuff, especially my dad stuff next week. that should prove interesting.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 16, 2020, 10:42:38 PM
so, a new journal with a new perspective. i don't feel stuck anymore, which is such a relief. what, 7 months or so of that? way too long.
:cheer: :party: :waveline:
Letting go of what/who you can't fix or change-----that is huge!!!
Yes!! This is AWESOME! :yourock:
Wow, great progress San! :cheer:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 16, 2020, 10:42:38 PM
but if feels as if some of the shackles have been shrugged off. this is the best i've felt, for the longest time running, since sept. i've been able to resolve my anxiety before bed and acquire this knowledge that i can and do accept people will act in ways that i don't agree w/
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :yourock: :yahoo: :hug: :hug:
wow! and wow! again! notalone, 3r, snook, and blueberry - what a wonderful surprise this morning! i've got such a huge grin ;D on my face right now, it's remarkable! thank you all - you made my day!!! :cheer: back atcha! :grouphug:
yeah, that acceptance part does feel huge, especially in light of what's going on, how people are acting, etc. i've heard the part of having someone be out of my control, having no power over them (Al-Anon, FA) but for some reason i kept it at that specific focus. this does make it universal now. still feels good.
thanks again, everyone. you're the best! :grouphug:
i want to get to working more on this whole perfection thing - i think there are a lot of far reaching tentacles that i need to explore. once again, i responded to a post, and felt like i did something bad, that i was gonna get punished. someone had written about coming in #2 meant failure, and i totally related to that. the idea that i can make mistakes, i will make mistakes, i do make mistakes - it all throws me.
i think there are a lot of F issues in there, and all over my life that i'm slowly recognizing, seeing how they've played a part in my own perspective, perceptions, and behaviors. i'm better than i was 2 weeks ago, feeling much more stable, which feels good, but some of these things still turn me topsy-turvy and it's difficult to get out from under that feeling.
my last journal entry was about acceptance of others. guess i've got work to do on accepting myself! wow, that hit home as i typed it, right in my gut!
Hi San,
I hear you and I feel I understand your pain. I think we're both going through the same thought processes, so know that you're not on your own. I am by your side, holding your hand as we work through this confusion :stars:
I always value your posts and your replies, so I hope you no longer feel bad.
Sending hugs and hope that you can get through this. X
hey, snook,
thank you for your response. you mentioned that you feel my pain. honestly, i didn't know i was in pain! that's been part of my problem over my lifetime, tho, not being able to feel feelings and emotions in situations that others feel right away. if i think hard on it, i could guess that being afraid of making a mistake could/would be painful. it makes sense. it's something lacking in me, so thanks for pointing it out.
and thanks for your kind, thoughtful words. that was so sweet of you. i am feeling better about it. nothing bad happened - it was a knee-jerk reaction, i think, to expectations in my childhood. which also shows how often i'm not in my adult self. ugh!
yesterday is gone, and i'm glad. i didn't feel right most of the day. talked to my t in the morning, which was good, but i hadn't gotten that frizzed out feeling early on for about a week. xanax to the rescue, but i'd been so proud of myself for feeling stable enough to be without it for a week. then BLAM! sos - and i reacted badly the entire day cuz of the night before.
so, onward today. these throw me, tho. i think i'm making great progress, and get whammed in the face with a frisbee full of anxiety. it wasn't till i listed everything i'd dealt with in the past few days that helped me see it was a lot. i kept thinking i was handling everything so well, but i guess i was just tucking it in my pocket thinking it wouldn't overflow. i think my pocket at this point is quite shallow, doesn't hold very much. nor should it, if i'm honest with myself.
i think somewhere inside i continue to wish that i could manage things, juggle everything in life like i used to do, but when i think just a little more deeply about that, i have to tell myself that that's exactly what got me to this point - the anxiety, the body pains, the brain overload. it's because i stopped trying to be who i was, stopped trying to deal with everything that came down the pike, stopped thinking i'm better than everyone that has allowed me to now feel more, be more human. strange how that works. living stress-free (essentially) is so much better for me - i haven't been sick since my flu shot in sept., and i have more good days than bad lately.
it's a difficult transition to make, tho. people might look at it and think i have it ideal now, but it's hard to go from one way of looking at and living life to a completely different way. it's work.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 22, 2020, 03:41:41 PM
living stress-free (essentially) is so much better for me - i haven't been sick since my flu shot in sept., and i have more good days than bad lately.
:applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 22, 2020, 03:41:41 PM
it's a difficult transition to make, tho. people might look at it and think i have it ideal now, but it's hard to go from one way of looking at and living life to a completely different way. it's work.
:yeahthat: But you are doing it! :thumbup: :applause: :cheer: :hug:
blueberry, love you and all your support. thank you so much - you made my heart smile :)
much better day today and so glad to be able to report that. eating was natural, not out of control, and i feel good about that, too. it would be nice if this hangs around for a bit. here's hopin' . . .
and, down again. nightmare last nite, bad dreams this afternoon. i feel totally stressed the last 2 days, starting yesterday afternoon. i'm so frickin' sick of this up and down crapola!
San, just sending care and hugs to you. :hug:
thanks, notalone - feels really good to hear that. hoping to sleep tonite, will be talking w/ my t tomorrow.
Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug, and hope it goes ok with your T tomorrow, and also that you have some better sleep tonight. :hug:
Hope :)
Here's wishing you're feeling less :fallingbricks: and more :cloud9: soon!
San, I hope things are easier for you now than they were earlier and your T could be helpful, sending hugs if welcome :hug:
thank you, hope. sleep continues spotty - some nights are better than others, but i appreciate your hug and well wishes! :hug:
hey, 3r, as always, up and down. thank you for your well wishes. my t is reassuring me that i'll get there. i hope so. :hug:
panda, thanks for your kindness. hugs are always welcome! :hug:
going thru sugar withdrawal now, so little sleep last nite, but no headache, which is a sugar side effect for me. another day, another try. i've also gained weight, and i know it's cuz i've been stress eating. this is too much for too long, and dieting is even more stressful! so, hopefully my system will re-organize itself again and i can get back on track.
nevertheless, i'm pushing thru on the first round of editing my second book. i can't do much at a time, but little by little . . . at least i got the rough copy, which has most of the story, to my hub via email. he's talked about getting it copied on paper so it's easier for him to read, which would be nice, but i don't know if that'll ever happen. at any rate, that's not my problem now - my goal for him was to be able to see it cuz it's so much his story.
i have the feeling i wrote all that before. my mind is so spacey right now. i'm too distressed to think coherently or make sense of the disturbance w/in that i feel. guess i'll take a break here for a bit. it's too painful right now to read posts - i feel like i want to cry while i'm sitting here. my heart is with you all, even if i'm not responding. just can't do it atm.
My heart is with you too, San. :hug:
thanks, notalone - i feel it, and it's great!
better today, again. up and down. down and up. ugh! but, i'll enjoy today for what it gives me and leave the rest till it comes around - again!
taking a rest day today. already showered and cut my hair. will do laundry later - yeah, those are all restful things cuz they don't involve my brain. i'm giving my brain a rest. i think i've been pushing too hard on doing that, pressuring myself to get it done. plus, one scene was bothering me, so i know i have to change it. it'll wait till tomorrow - it's just good i'm recognizing it on a conscious level. i've been going back and forth on it for quite a while.
so, :whistling: ;) :zzz: that's the extent of me for the day.
Great self-care, san! :yourock:
thanks, blueberry - you brought a smile to my heart.
yesterday was exactly what i needed. i feel a bit clearer today. i'm missing checking in w/ my t, tho, as she's out for the entire week. yesterday i was pretty muddled, so it ended up being a xanax day. i just needed to rest my mind.
so far i haven't done any more funerals. i've flashed on some to do, but i don't want to do them until i see my t again. there's something rather relieving about being able to turn them over to her instead of having to store them in a folder in my house. i want to get the crapola out of my space, i guess.
have been doing some EFT tapping before going to bed lately - the anxiety pops up out of nowhere, with no apparent reason. i can whittle it down, tho, which helps. haven't had nightmares for a few days, either, which really feels good. i thought the reason was because i'm so used to having to be aware of everything, so i was on alert. ooooh, a new thought came to mind. bedtime was an area of contention between me and my ex. lots of stuff going on there ---
******TW****** sex addiction
--- he'd never want to go to bed at the same time as me, even tho he was falling asleep on the couch cuz he wanted to stay up to satisfy his porn addiction! that's something to bring up with my t next time i talk to her. my heart is racing just thinking about it, so i believe there's definitely a link there. and, now i want to cry. on top of everything else, i had to deal with this. on nights when i'd go out w/ my S, i'd drive up, see the tv lights shining thru the window, and by the time i got in the house and to my bedroom, he was in bed, seemingly asleep. i didn't put 2 and 2 together until i actually learned what was going on.
******end*****
o, crapola, something else coming up that needs to be dealt with around sleeping. my chest is so tight right now. i need to cry about this - it still breaks my heart to know i was denied because of this. the pain is excruciating. i'm so afraid of letting this out by myself. gotta tuck this back in for a week. it's so big, it's smothering me!!!!!
i didn't expect this. dang, i feel like i just can't keep getting up when something else knocks me down again. i hate this, hate him for putting me thru this. it's helped writing about it, tho, the pain is subsiding as it crawls back into that space in my mind that's been holding so much for so long. no wonder i can't remember things from day to day - my mind is still so full of gunk that keeps rearing its ugly head, and the tears won't come so it's still bottled up in there. this is horrible . . . .
i was able to shed some tears, realized i'm afraid to let him go. he's been part of my life for over 55 yrs., good and bad. i'm stuck. this is too big to deal with on my own.
Sitting with you san :hug: :hug:
Very big. :hug:
San, sending a big, compassionate hug :hug:
:grouphug:
blueberry, notalone, snookie, thank you all for your support. so appreciated! :hug: :hug: :hug:
too many memories running around now, can't get rid of them :fallingbricks: i just want to cry but can't. more things i've remembered about nites before going to bed by myself, how much of a struggle they were, how confused i was over and over. when i asked him why he wouldn't come to bed, even tho he was already falling asleep on the couch, he told me he was afraid he'd miss something. i know now what he was going to miss. he even did this on vacations, when we had a separate place to sleep away from the kids - i kept joking around about having a love shack all to ourselves, he never even smiled.
i'm feeling so bad right now, so full of ugliness. grossness. i'm not doing well with this at all. got to go on w/ my day, but had to vomit this out here for whatever reason. even this isn't helping and it almost always helps for me to write it out here, get it out of me. today it's just clinging to my insides, like monster snot.
San,
Your Ex's lack of affection for you had nothing to do with you. It was all about him and his addiction to porn. I haven't studied it much, but I know it does something to the chemicals in the brain, like other addictions. I know that doesn't take away your hurt, anger, feelings of ugliness, etc. My experience of you is that you are a beautiful, kind, open person. :hug:
thank you, notalone. such kind words. :hug:
i spent the entire day in a hole, surrounded by his gross ugliness, deceit, denial, lies, gaslighting, pretense over and over and over and over . . . :sharkbait:
i tried to find a negative belief about myself, but none of them stuck. maybe that i was stupid but i think it's really more that i was naive. it's always been really easy to lie to me cuz i have the tendency to believe people. maybe i am stupid.
omg, i suddenly realized, consciously, that i am so p.o.'d about what he did to me, how this has wrecked so many aspects of my life, all the way to make relaxing in order to go to sleep a problem!!! :pissed: tomorrow i need to throw shoes, but for tonite, acknowledging this is enough. i've already ranted verbally, have written so many letters and emails, thrown so many shoes against the door for stuff he's done in general, but pinpointing this - it infuriates me that this has insinuated itself, he and what he's done, into so many little nooks and crannies of my life. it's ridiculous!
i'm not stupid, i know i'n not. i'm not going to put myself down for what he did. a misogynist and a narc - that's a near deadly combination to someone in a relationship with them! no wonder i'm going frickin' nuts! it's crazy-making to the nth degree! i've nearly died several times because of this particular combo, and his teaming up with d#2. holy crapola! i'm a miracle to still be alive and anywhere near coherent! my d even told me the other day that she's really sorry my brain is so broken. yeah, that's exactly what it feels like, but hearing those words from outside myself lets me know it's not just me making a bigger thing out of this than it really is.
i'm gonna go hit the bed for a bit - gotta get some of this out of me! it's gagging me right now, i'm so full of his vile poison! the body does indeed keep the score!
got some of it out of me, but it took me to a really dark place. i'm missing my t very badly right now. this is so horrible, he is so horrible. i'm amazed at this - he always hated bullies, yet he did exactly the same to me except in such a covert, insidious, scheming way that i wasn't even aware of what he was doing until many years later, until it was way too late and i was so damaged from the experience i can barely utilize my mind in day to day activities.
i had a first hub who left me when i was 7 1/2 months pregnant, and he was not good to me during most of the marriage, either, but i don't feel any of this level of hatred and disgust toward him. yeah, he lied and cheated, and maybe that'll come out later, and i nearly died because of him as well, but somehow he wasn't as devious, didn't continue to undermine me in the same way. he's dead now, and i'm sure the universe took care of him for me, but hub #2, i have nothing good to say about him.
nothing. i don't believe he did one single thing without it having some underlying agenda that was meant to bring me down. i really don't, no matter how good it might have looked to anyone else, including my daughters. i have snakes eating my innards right now.
wow, this turned into a rant. i'm leaving some of this black goop on the screen right now. the universe will take care of it as well. how much pain am i in?
:bighug: :bighug:
:hug: I hope it helped getting some of that out of you onto the screen. And I hope your journey towards healing will get a little less painful.
thank you blueberry and panda
just got done throwing shoes, can't write more :hug: :hug:
:grouphug:
thanks, notalone - i love the hugs and warm feelings that go with them.
supposed to be talking to my t tomorrow - she was out all last week. i've had a rough few days with realizations about going to bed connected to my ex. it wrung out my mind for a few days. i hope to be able to do something with her about this. fingers crossed
I hope it goes well with your T, San. Thinking of you and sending big warm hugs. :hug:
thank you, snowdrop - i can feel them and they're warm, cozy, comforting.
made a breakthrough today which basically pertains to all my relationships. a core belief i've had most all my life - i don't have the right.
it breaks down to not having the right to ask for what i want, to be treated with kindness, to have my basic boundaries respected, or even to know what i need. i was working on stuff about my ex, when all the connections fell into place and lasered back to that belief. i didn't have the right to confront him on what he was doing, to push him to have a conversation about it, to stay in the house when i didn't want to be with him anymore because of what he'd been doing. i was the one who packed my bags instead of telling him to get out cuz, since it was my decision to leave the relationship, i didn't think i had the right to tell him to leave the house.
so, it goes back to my parents not having my back, not taking care of me emotionally, putting unrealistic expectations on me, not allowing me to ask 'why' about anything they decreed. my F was active in this, my M was passive. i had no rights as a child - children should be seen and not heard, all that rubbish. and seen only with smiles. i didn't have the right to be me. how could i possibly hold up a reality of me when i didn't even know what it was anymore! people talk about being chameleons - yep! didn't have the right not to.
i'm exhausted now, my legs are wobbly, my fingers began tingling. this was something infused into my being, like a gray slab of cement. i was able to begin softening some of it, which felt good, released some poison thru soft tears, which was different cuz my tears usually feel acrid. these were so very soft - maybe a sign that i have the right to want and to deserve softness in my life, in my relationships. nothing w/ an edge for now, nothing that goes against my being. even the slightest warning bell is to be heeded - my radar is on high alert, but not like hypervigilence. more like it's finely tuned, precise in a way it wasn't before. i'm very tired.
Wow, San. That is huge to come to the realization that you have that core belief.
http://pete-walker.com/humanBillofRights.htm
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 05, 2020, 04:38:33 PM
i was able to begin softening some of it, which felt good, released some poison thru soft tears, which was different cuz my tears usually feel acrid. these were so very soft - maybe a sign that i have the right to want and to deserve softness in my life, in my relationships. nothing w/ an edge for now, nothing that goes against my being. even the slightest warning bell is to be heeded - my radar is on high alert, but not like hypervigilence. more like it's finely tuned, precise in a way it wasn't before. i'm very tired.
Yes, you do have the right to want and to deserve softness in your life. Yes, yes, yes. :cheer:
thanks, notalone. it's lovely to see what you wrote, still a bit difficult to know this. part of that is that i don't know how it's supposed to look. i know patient, tolerant, giving, understanding, kindness, caring, etc. but i don't know my rights, don't really know what that means, how it plays out, what they consist of, etc. . guess i'll have to figure that out eventually. can't quite feel it yet.
so, 2 days later. still struggling with all this. i think when i was with my ex, he had such a pessimistic view of the world, i did all those things mentioned because, well, for one, that's how i am, but two, i was trying to show him that being optimistic, living in a more positive way, being kind, caring, patient, tolerant, etc., was a happier way of life. the 'show by example' school of thought. i spent 20 yrs. married, and even longer after that trying to make him happy, 'respecting' his rights, but i couldn't see what my rights were in that relationship.
i woke up with thoughts of him again, did some eft tapping to help dissolve them. i don't want him in my mind anymore, but there are so many layers to him and our relationship, even my t told me that we have a lot of work to do to get thru them all. :rundog: i understand how knowing my rights, being able to see how that all played out might help me for the future, but i don't understand yet how it might erase these thoughts of him. :sharkbait:
my d was telling me a story the other day about some characters on a show she was watching, and she kept saying 'the dad did this' or 'the dad did that' and i had to stop her. just her using the word 'dad' was upsetting me, roiling my gut. she's very respectful, stopped immediately, but she really did look confused, and i couldn't tell her what was going on cuz she doesn't want to hear bad stuff about him. this gets quite muddled in my mind.
so, i just want to get thru today, get to tomorrow, however that might work. this is wrecking my head. :stars:
Lessening the impact he has on you will certainly take time. Your insight that you "don't believe you have the right" was a giant step. The small steps are important too. I'm right there with you; one step at a time, one day at a time.
notalone, thank you for saying this will take time. i don't think i fully comprehend the magnitude of that relationship, and the impact in so many different kinds of ways, that it had on me even now. :hug:
as much abuse that was heaped on me by hub #1, i don't feel the animosity toward him that i do w/ this ex. #1 cheated, lied, deceived and ultimately left me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, all of which is bad enough (i may be writing this over again, but i guess it's important to me to see it again and again), and actually, maybe i shouldn't write it over again cuz i'll need to deal with that stuff at some point. it's just that he showed me kindness when i most needed it, and i actually got an apology out of him when i'm certain he never apologized to any other woman. he may have been a misogynist, but he wasn't NPD.
the difference still confounds my mind at times, altho #2 had both those traits going on. #2 was insidious in his scheming to break me which was the only way he could feel he had any dominance over me. he was looking to break me. and several times i did break, and now, looking back, there was no kind of nurturing or caring from him, even as i sat in a chair for a week, barely able to move or think, asking him to take over watching our 2 girls.
just didn't happen, and i just got frustrated inside, but never called him out on it. i didn't have the right, did i!
i'm just coming to terms with things that i've read about from other members here, about not deserving or not speaking up for themselves, and i can finally relate on a gut level. how horrible! it's all nearly incomprehensible to me. i also discovered yesterday that there is the element of 'I don't deserve . . .' mixed in with this. we got a delivery from the food bank yesterday - it was so kind and caring of them to do that - and i broke down sobbing :'(, couldn't move for several minutes.
i understand now that so many times i've cried when i've even witnessed acts of kindness, let alone received them, especially from my d, that it was because i didn't believe i deserved to be treated like that. so, now i have a double decker to contend with. this stuff is pouring out of me like lava, which had been destroying me from the inside like lava destroys anything in its path. my poor brain and body - no wonder i'm in constant pain. i'm so glad for all the younger people on here, tackling this crapola before they have any more decades of abuse to contend with.
that's it for now, i'll be talking w/ my t in a bit.
well, interesting session yesterday. another major piece of the puzzle fell in.
worked on a memory of pleasing my dad. i may have told this story before, but anyway . . . i was a great student at school, always got A's and B's, and my F would say 'maybe next time you can get all A's.' so, no praise, acceptance, or being proud of me for doing well, he kept me reaching for perfection. i finally reached that goal when i was 10 - all A's, and i was so excited. now i'd get at least fireworks or something! :fireworks:
what actually happened was less spectacular. from what i recall, he looked at it, didn't say much, if anything. don't remember a reaction from my mom at all. she wasn't even in the picture.
so, that was the set-up i worked on, remembering that moment. as i began processing (i'm doing emdr), i saw the 10-yr. old me presenting this perfect report card to my dad, only to be shut down. inside, that little girl was crying, and i began sobbing. she was heartbroken (first realization of this) and i felt my heart break for her. in real life, i remember standing there, stoic, not doing or saying anything.
as we continued processing, i watched that little girl crumble into a heap onto the floor, and disappear. she vanished. in that moment, in my mind, i knew that, even achieving perfection, i was literally nothing. no dust, no ash, nothing. as i reported this to my t, she asked if i could pick that little girl up, take her to another room away from him. i was crying, said i couldn't pick her up cuz there was nothing there.
i continued to concentrate on the place on the floor where she'd crumbled, and i suddenly saw an outline of her crumpled form, altho she, herself was transparent. so, i picked up this transparent form and carried it into a room, daylit, bright, empty. my t asked me if i could put her down on the floor, and i suddenly had such a rush of compassion for her that i said 'no - i want to hold her'. immediately, a rocking chair (my favorite kind of chair) materialized, and i was able to sit in it, just holding her. i had no words, but as i was holding her, she marerialized back into her little girl form, and was ok.
one other thing i noticed, and told my t, was that the form of myself holding her was a much younger version of me. and, then it dawned on me - that transparent little crumpled up girl was pure spirit. there was nothing left of her but her spirit. and, i've said for many, many years, that my own spirit is 27. what came to mind was that it was spirit holding spirit, and that's what allowed little me to come back to being in her regular form.
i do believe that it's been my spirit all along that has kept me going, kept me alive at times, and this representation seals that deal for me. it was quite an intense journey, and i was exhausted at the end. i'm quite tired writing about it now.
Wow, this is stunning work San! And so much of what you say resonates with me too. Well done! :hug:
thanks, snowdrop! :hug:
i forgot to add more realizations to this session. it showed me what i've been an overachiever all my life, why being perfect was the only way to be, and most of all, that even being perfect wasn't good enough. i have had to continually strive to be more than perfect, because being perfect wasn't enough. feeling/being nothing when not being perfect? my brain can now know that it's impossible, but it was blasted into my 10-yr. old mind that it was imperative! so, that's how i've spent my entire life, accomplishing all kinds of things, living here, there, everywhere in order to learn, learn, learn. probably so that when questions come up i will have the perfect answer. i know i strive for that here on the forum, which is hard to admit.
ugh! that was really hard to admit! but, it's true. and when sometone else comes up with something that resonates more deeply w/ a person, i feel like i've failed cuz i didn't give the more than perfect response. wow! far-reaching implications for this. ok, time to rest.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 09, 2020, 01:46:19 PM
even being perfect wasn't good enough. i have had to continually strive to be more than perfect, because being perfect wasn't enough. feeling/being nothing when not being perfect? my brain can now know that it's impossible, but it was blasted into my 10-yr. old mind that it was imperative! ... probably so that when questions come up i will have the perfect answer. i know i strive for that here on the forum, which is hard to admit.
...and when sometone else comes up with something that resonates more deeply w/ a person, i feel like i've failed cuz i didn't give the more than perfect response.
Same here with most of that (
Idk how old I was when it started and I've managed to put some of it in the past, those are the only differences) :hug: :grouphug: for these realisations, they aren't easy to deal with or to admit so kudos to you for doing so! A safe :hug: for 10 y.o. you if she likes.
Wow, San. Wow. Much love to 10-year-old, 27-year-old, and all of you. :grouphug:
blueberry and notalone, i don't have enough words and feelings for your kindness and caring. thank you both :hug: :hug:
the other side of what you both wrote got me stuck, tho. not thru anything you did - i know that was from your heart. it was the idea of the 10-yr. old version of myself receiving hugs. when i read that, i didn't know what to do with it. my 10-yr. old self didn't and wouldn't know what to do with it. i thought about being 10 and receiving hugs from someone, and all i felt were confusion and fear. i don't think, when i was 10, that i got hugged. so, for the past few days, when this came to mind, i just felt stuck, like i couldn't move.
i know a lot of people here are talking about their 'parts', and they have various ages and such. i just saw this memory and i happened to be 10 when it happened. it didn't feel like a 'part' the way others talk about them. this was just something that happened at that age, and impacted me in a profound way. maybe i'm not as evolved as the rest of you dealing w/ this, maybe i don't understand it in the same way, i don't know. it just froze me.
i pushed myself to write this cuz i really wanted to run away from it, kind of ignore it, pretend it didn't mean anything to me, and go on. but, i decided to be honest about it, for what reason i don't even know. i still don't know what to do with it. same thing for the 27-yr. old version of me. that was an image of my spirit, which does reside in me, is the essence of me, actually, but i don't see it as a 'part', either. i don't know - i'm very confused.
i do know my spirit is what has helped me to literally survive those times when i didn't want to, or didn't think i could. my spirit is indomitable. but i never thought of it as separate from me, just like i don't think of my personality as separate from me. it's just who i am. yeah, i'm not understanding any of this. i'll leave it there and go on next time.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 10, 2020, 11:13:44 PM
i just saw this memory and i happened to be 10 when it happened. it didn't feel like a 'part' the way others talk about them. this was just something that happened at that age, and impacted me in a profound way. maybe i'm not as evolved as the rest of you dealing w/ this, maybe i don't understand it in the same way, i don't know. it just froze me.
You know yourself. The way you understand yourself is what is important. My understanding is that everyone has parts. Someone might say, "part of me wants to read a book and part of me wants to watch a movie." For me, my parts are extreme (DID); many have names and there is a system. For you the 10-year-old version (& 27) don't seem that separate. That's you and that's okay.
My therapist would say to be aware/curious about your thoughts and feelings about this. (Frankly, that seems hard to do when I feel upset.) Listen to yourself, San. And breathe. :hug:
thanks, notalone. beautiful insight. :hug:
i talked to my t about it yesterday (it turned out to be quite a rough session) and she said it may be one of 2 things in her mind - either i'm more integrated than i know, or the parts are there and i'm just not aware of them yet. she told me that the fear i felt leads her to believe it's more of the second observation. i guess we'll see as i get farther into therapy.
mother's day was difficult for me, as always. my D2 made it such an amazing day that i felt loved and cherished as a mom. unfortunately, tiny pinpoints of D1 would creep in, and i'd push them down cuz i never want to take anything away from D2 again. after she went to bed, tho, D1 came to mind full force, and it was difficult to deal with that. i told me t, we're going to work on D1 on friday. scares me, cuz i'm afraid of dismissing her fully, which i've never wanted to do.
there are so many issues around my D1, but we're going to target the pain. so very much pain, and on 2 levels - the pain of how she treated me, and how our relationship ended up (NC), and the pain of how much she's gone thru in her life - mother's pain for her kid. so, it will be intense, but it's got to be done.
yesterday's session was intense as well, very rough. i've been continually getting slammed, again, by ex husbands (more than one this time), the mother's day stuff, anxiety before bed, 4-5 hrs. of sleep a nite - thank god i can nap during the day. i was so weary just telling her about it all, and i got quite dark about how my d is keeping me alive. she really does keep me active and feeling worthwhile, and i don't want to imagine what might happen if something happened to her. so, i won't.
i will be grateful that i'm alive today, can help her out, can write on my second book. i'm ok today.
:hug:
thank you, notalone, for that wonderful hug. it means so much. :hug:
i just wrote that we're doing a great job just by still being here, and a pang hit me about how very true that is for me. that darkness has surrounded me too many times, but my spirit has somehow always helped me get back up one more time and keep going. so, make it thru today - that's my goal right now.
i can feel the nervousness inside because i'll be tackling work with my D1 tomorrow w/ my t. there will be a lot of tears, a lot of pain. i can already foresee it, and i don't know what the result will be. except that i will be exhausted. so, i'm going to do as much work on my book today cuz tomorrow i'll have no energy for that level of concentration.
we just heard yesterday that the farmers market will be open next month. my d and i both have books to seel there, they'll have a lot of precautions in place, and we just have to finalize our logistics as far as putting a sample book out for people to touch, lots of hand sanitizer, how to accept money (we'll wash and dry it when we get home). they're going to have one-way traffic and hand cleaning places here and there, and everyone will be required to wear masks.
i can only hope and pray that it will be enough. it's a source of income we were counting on cuz the virus has cut down on my d's clients, altho she has sold more books so far this year. i guess people have gotten back to reading while they're staying at home. at least it's outdoors, and we'll be sitting behind tables, so that will help keep enough distance between us and customers. looking forward to it, tho. it was fun last year.
in the meantime, one day to the next.
:hug: :hug: That sounds a really positive step - selling your books at the farmers market. :cheer:
thank you blueberry, we're looking forward to it.
i'm in deep mourning right now for D1. can't write about it yet, but not in a good place.
:hug: :hug: :grouphug:
all your hugs felt so warm and appreciated, blueberry. thank you :hug:
i dove into the relationship with D1 on fri. my t agreed she had a personality disorder, that my ex helped her become as narc as possible starting just after she learned to walk, so, before she was 2, by 4 she was glaring at me in anger and judgment (most likely because i had D2 when she was 3 1/2, thereby taking some of my attention away from her), and was absolutely shocked that no one had ever diagnosed her as having a PD - she'd been in therapy since she was 7. at one point, a shrink decided she had an adolescent adjustment disorder, at which my t laughed in sheer disbelief.
i can't write more now.
So sad.
yes, notalone, it's horribly sad.
having said that, i am very unstable at the moment, just keeping my head above water, and then my ex bff emailed me. i wrote about our split when it happened over 3 yrs. ago, and the consensus of opinion here and from others were that she had indeed betrayed me, broken my trust, and she told me if i was waiting for an apology, i'd be waiting for a long time.
so, last year, she went thru my hub trying to find out how to get in touch w/ me. he told me about it, she reached out to him again, he told her i'd moved back to the states, she told him she was hurt that i hadn't told her. i finally wrote her an email saying there was too much damage done, and if someone died, my condolences.
now she's popped up 3 days ago, telling me how much she misses me, what a strong friendship we had, that she wanted me to call her 'call me, san' were her words, and she was sorry but 'you must know i never meant to hurt you'. i went into a full-blown anxiety attack, cried for 20 min., left a message w/ my t, talked to my hub, who knows her well, and to my d, both of whom said i didn't have to respond. i did respond, telling her about my response to hearing from her. she'd also written 'we can fix this', and i told her i wasn't capable of 'fixing' anything. also that i wasn't comfortable talking to her cuz i'm scared of who she was and i don't know who she is now.
i'm getting disturbed again as i write this. so, today's email, which i asked my d to read first, apologized again, told me what she is doing, still going to therapy, lives with a man she loves (man issues were big when we were together - she frequently said she hated couple, oh, except for me and my hub, but when ever we'd show any pda, she'd roll her eyes or make some snarky noise.
she's also an artist, said she made a piece for me and would like to send it to me, suggested we write letters to each other like we used to, would love to hear my voice on the phone, misses me cuz i was her best friend, but will respect my wishes if i don't want to talk to her. will also respect my wishes if i don't want to follow up on this relationship, but added something about that being ok, but gave me the impression that it really would not be cuz it's not what she wants.
i'm all at sixes and sevens, so very disturbed inside, my guts are roiling, and she's on my mind now all the time if i'm not distracted in some way. i guess i want to tell her that i'm not capable of dealing with this right now, that if i'm ever in a place to do so i'd let her know. does she sound pushy to anyone? that's how it feels to me. and, she gave the reason for how she was before was because she was angry and hurt. however, i wasn't the one who did anything hurtful to her, and her anger was at other things.
i'm upset enough dealing with my D1 stuff, which was only slightly settling down. i don't need drama nor pushiness in my life right now. opinions, suggestion, advice are all welcome. this has overwhelmed me, tho, and i want to get rid of it. i want the past to stop coming at me and slapping me in the face every time it feels like i'm making some progress and getting rid of what's been negative in my life. i've been on xanax all day just to stop my body from vibrating. this is no way to live!
Yes, that does sound pushy. You're not obligated to continue a friendship, any friendship, even if that person is blameless (which she is not). This whole thing has upset you horribly, so self care is needed! Hopefully she will respect your wishes, but there are also ways to block her (from email, phone, etc).
Take care of yourself, San. I know how much this hurts. Remember that you don't need to be "there" for anyone except yourself. Big hugs filled with compassion and a gigantic cloaking device. :yes:
Whatever you need is okay. Trust yourself.
3r and notalone, i can't tell you how much i appreciate what you both said. i sent the short email, telling her i'd get back to her if i ever felt ok enough to deal with this. my d also knows this woman, and expressed the opinion that since she has a man living w/ her now, she's on an upswing, but what happens if that relationship ends? i've been thru quite a few of those dynamics with her, too, and they were never pretty. i just don't need a whiff of any drama in my life right now, as i have enough to keep working at managing my own sanity.
and, my t was sick today, so i didn't get any grounding from her, either. the ideas of self-care and self-trust were pivotal here. again, thanks and love and hugs to you both. you rock! :hug: :hug:
I would feel overwhelmed if someone was that pushy with me. You absolutely did the right thing sending that email. To paraphrase something a friend once said to me, your friendship is a privilege not a right.
Sending you love and hugs, dear San. :hug:
o, snowdrop, your timing was perfect. i've got an ex-bff hangover today, all i could think of while i was walking was about her, all the things i'd like to say to her about her past behaviors, what all this felt like. i was berating myself for not letting it go, it's over, etc. etc. i think i was already so vulnerable and unstable that this made a damaging imprint on me and it's hard to shake it loose. thanks for your support and validation :hug:
another thing i thought of is that when i told her i don't know her now (i've got to talk this out till i talk it to death), she gave me a list of things she's doing, but nothing about who she is. i'm glad i remembered that. it adds one more nail to that coffin.
a damaging imprint. yeah, that feels about right. i think i have to give myself some time and allow it to recede on its own. the email i sent her last year talked about too much damage done. looks like damage is the word du jour.
in the meantime, my d has been really supportive - she doesn't like this woman anyway, knows her personally, thinks she's a b****, which is a word she doesn't use very often. my hub has been very supportive, too. as have you people. it's so good to have the feeling that someone has my back.
i'm still looking forward to working w/ my t on my D1 stuff, get those memories and the pain out of me. i've not allowed much of the pain to be felt over the years, and i'm afraid of how much there is inside me. too many incidents where she took a hurtful upper hand and i allowed it cuz she was sick. she's played that sick card on all of us for many many years, trying to guilt me and my d into doing what she wants or feeling bad for her. of course, i don't want anyone to be in pain, but she's been shown how much of her pain she generates for herself. ugh! don't want to get into it anymore. there's too much there.
so, this has been overwhelming, and the timing sucked. i'm managing to hang on, but with a lot of help from science and chemistry, which i'm not happy about.
I had a toxic friend as a teen, it was awful, and added to my trauma I think. Your description of this person reminds me of my old "friend". She came back in later life trying to reconnect, told me she may have not been very nice to me, and when I didn't respond with "that's okay, don't worry about it", but instead confirmed that yes, she hadn't been, she got defensive and blamed it on how moody I was at the time (I just got sad and withdrawn quite often, and just wanted for someone to notice and care, but somehow it was my fault). I decided I didn't need this, and stopped responding to her. You don't owe this person anything, your first priority is your own well-being, and she clearly does not contribute to your well-being. You have the right to choose your own friends, and if someone doesn't make you safe and cared for, then they don't get to be your friend.
san I'm sending huge hugs :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug: You do not owe that woman anything! I bet there's a blanket over on the Healing Porch which exudes such strong vibes of Leave Me in Peace that even she wouldn't consider going over your boundary again.
hey, owl,
sounds like you got DARVO'd (Defensive, Angry, Reverse the Victim and Offender). that happened to me with this woman (as well as others) in the past, too. it's quite the phenomenon to witness - they do it so quickly and with such conviction it can make you doubt yourself! suddenly, your legitimate opinion is turned on you and they make you out to be the bad guy. ugh! very sorry you had to go thru that, but thanks for letting me know i'm not alone, and that you recognize this behavior. :hug:
blueberry, honestly, you made me laugh out loud! :rofl: that blanket sounds perfect! thank you so very much! :hug:
once again, i've gotten such lovely support and validating comments from people here. thank you so much - i love you bunches! you've helped me get her more and more out of my head so i can get back to some form of calm again. no chemicals today, which is a big deal for me, and you all have helped me achieve that. :grouphug:
it ended up all to much for me - totally crashed now :fallingbricks: thanks for your help.
Hi SanMagic,
I wanted to send you a very big, but gentle hug :bighug:
Please know that you're much cared about and loved :grouphug:
Hope :)
you brought tears to my eyes, hope. thank you so. :hug:
i woke up after 2 hrs. sleep dreaming that my ex bff was continually trying to drown me. every time i'd come up for air, she'd push my head under again. i fell back asleep, but it started over, and i woke up in a sweat. don't need much of a dream interpreter for that!
dang, i wish my past would stop rearing up and smacking me in the face! this is not good. i felt so sick yesterday, couldn't go out and walk, stress flu. horrible - i haven't felt that bad in quite a while. this really knocked me outta my socks.
sometimes i wish i could just give up.
That sounds horrible, sanmagic :( It does show that that it really is the right decision to keep her out of your life. If you haven't done so, maybe block her completely in all possible ways so she can't contact you again down the road.
Re: DARVO - I didn't know there was a term for that. This was the first and only time this happened to me. At the time I thought, "seriously?!" - then decided I was completely done with her - sorry you've been through that more than once.
It sounds like this really knocked you down hard. It's an awful place to be. No advice other than be gentle with yourself as you recover from this. :grouphug:
thanks, owl. i'll be as ok as i can with myself, and if she contacts me again, i'll blast her, then block her. :hug:
but i got another shot from my past today - i found out my sister died last fri. apparently from covid. i'm numb right now - she hadn't talked to me for over 30 yrs., so we were definitely not close, but dang! this has been a week and a half. plus, last tues. my ex SIL died suddenly. my d has had 2 aunts die in a week - luckily she hadn't been close to either of them.
don't know when all this is gonna hit me, but i don't doubt it will. hopefully i'm talking to my t tomorrow - she was sick last week when everything went down w/ the ex bff so i haven't been able to let her know what's happened. now this.
i'm gonna write for a bit on my book.
All of these things sound hard, and to have them all happen in such quick succession... oof. My heart goes out to you. I hope you're able to talk to your T tomorrow.
Wrapping you up in a big, big hug (if that's welcome) :bighug:
I've built you a comforting fire on the Healing Porch and fluffed all the pillows in your favorite rocking chair. There's a cup of tea and some soothing music; if you're in the mood for company I'll sit with you or you can be alone with your thoughts. A warm, gentle, nurturing hug to you! :hug:
snowdrop, big caring hugs are always welcome and so appreciated. thank you. :hug:
3r, as usual. thank you. i would love the company as i think the numbness is wearing off. the more i write, the more real this is getting, and my eyes are tearing up, my demeanor is down. thank you for always being there. :hug:
i began remembering what my sis was like when we were best friends - funny, smart, clever. we were drinking buddies, were at the bars at least 5 nights/week. it was when we stopped drinking that the real trouble between us began. we drifted farther and farther apart, and her personality was commented on by others to me. she resorted to bullying again, extremely controlling, and eventually i did something she didn't like and she packed up her family and moved across the country to get away from me.
enough for now. she could have been so much more. i had dark thoughts last nite, which i hated. this week has been so very soul-pounding. i'm now beginning to outlive people and it's a terrible burden to carry and i don't know why. i don't feel good.
:hug: :hug: :bighug:
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and ex sister-in-law. This must be such a shock. I'm sorry your sister turned away from you all those years ago. :hug:
San,
I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and ex SIL. That is grief that has many layers and complexity. As much as possible, take it slow. :grouphug:
blueberry, owl, notalone -- thanks so much.
talked to my t today, it just helped me calm down a bit, but then she told me that her bosses want to cut down her caseload to make room for other clients of a t that quit, and they were specially focused on me cuz i've been having 2 appts./week. they want to cut her clients' appts. to 2x/mo. i couldn't control myself when i heard that. she knows that for right now i need more than that.
and, this afternoon, i found out a sis of my mex. hub died sun. this has been a deadly 10 days - even the stuff w/ my ex bff feels like a death.
i'm so very weary . . .
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
blueberry, your hugs were wonderful to see! thank you so - i feel like a death squad has come thru here lately.
today i got some good sleep, and feel pretty good right now. i think my brain has pushed everything waaaaay to the back of it, cuz it's just too much to think about or feel about. this may be how i've lived most of my life, now that i think about it. i'll just float thru today, and hey.
my d finished writing her 7th book - i'm so proud of her! - so we may be headed to the store soon to get her fav food to celebrate (mac and cheese). normally, we'd go out for breakfast, but that's out of the question right now.
i may be living like this the rest of my life.
nothing's bothering me today. finished my book, just got to do a final read-thru and it's off to my editor. yay!
one thing i noticed, tho, is when i was responding to someone here, i started writing too much, erased, had to quit. so, there's that. guess i can't go in that direction with anyone right now.
i fear the crash that must inevitably come - i can feel everything pushing to get out. just too much in too short a time.4 deaths this month, anniversary of a death, and my dead dad's birthday. and, the powers that be want my t to reduce my # of sessions. it's too much. my chest hurts.
It's a lot, San. Even without CPTSD, it's a lot to contend with. Time for some more Rescue Remedy perhaps? Might that help?
Thinking of you, San. Love you.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
all those giant hugs made me smile, snowdrop, and i love the love. thank you :hug:
i'm not feeling anxious, so i didn't think of rescue remedy. everything's just boiling under the surface, i'm guessing. o yeah, and on that list was the whole ordeal w/ my ex bff - that felt like a death for sure. and i processed the death of my baby girl - she metaphorically died during the processing w/ my t by the time she was 2, and the D1 who is living is not the daughter of my heart. so, i forgot about that. that innocent little girl sprouted wings and flew to a place of peace, but the grown-up version of her is just a very hurtful person.
omg, this crash is gonna be huge when it comes. this numbness is how i survived my life, i think. everything is there, just beneath my skin. i can feel the disturbance. no, this is not good . . .
Sending support san. :hug: :hug:
Sending support in this difficult time and healing energy. Big hugs for you and all of your parts
:bighug: :bighug:
Thank you for sharing with us :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 28, 2020, 11:30:25 AM
just too much in too short a time.
Way too much. :grouphug: :bighug:
:yeahthat:
That sounds very difficult. Take care of yourself. You will make it through. :)
blueberry, marta, notalone, 3r, and jazzy - your support was invaluable these past few days. i cannot thank you enough for helping me thru this. :grouphug:
talked to my t today, we were able to do some emdr on my D1, the damage she did to me (and my ex came into the picture as well, supporting her and ignoring me), in the hopes of diminishing some of the triggers and intrusive thoughts. i ended up erecting (along w/ my spiritual protector) a protective tube around me, made from the force of the monolith in the movie 2001 - a space odyssey. it was the hardest, strongest thing i could think of. until i'm able to deal with these on my own, i'm hoping this will help repel the negativity those people send off.
there's still more there from her, but i think this was a good beginning. i'm tired now, but glad i did it.
that's all i've got for now. you all have been such a safety net for me. truly remarkable people.
I'm just catching up here, this sounds like an awful lot to have to try and deal with. Glad you had a session today and hopefully it will help keep things manageable. :thumbup:
thanks, owl. i appreciate your validation. :hug:
i also found out today that one of my cousins, a daughter of my aunt that died earlier this month, is now showing signs of covid. she and her hub are going to get tested. they were all there in the nursing home with their mom till the week before she died. can't believe this. good people. we were very close when we were kids.
i'm staying busy today. distractions, i guess. dishes, laundry, walks to the store and post office. i think i need a nap.
Hang in there, kiddo ❤️ :hug:
thanks, 3r. i'm hangin',. :hug:
tried to post on someone else's journal, but thoughts got muddled. i don't seem to have a good headspace for others' pain right now. i just want to stay cuddled up within myself.
Sending a soft blanket and hot cup of tea.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 30, 2020, 03:55:31 AM
i just want to stay cuddled up within myself.
Totally legitimate! I hope you do so as long as you need :yes: :grouphug:
San,
Sorry to hear that you're struggling and that your thoughts were muddled.
I hope you can put yourself first and give yourself some self care x
I'm sending you healing vibes.
:hug:
San,
I have had that muddled feeling many many times. Good for you to take a step back and put your own oxygen mask on first :hug:
notalone, the blanket and tea were lovely. thank you. :hug:
blueberry, thanks for the validation. love it! :hug:
hey, snook - those healing vibes were so appreciated. i'm using them today, too. thanks. :hug:
db, yeah, sometimes the pain is overwhelming. i appreciate the encouragement. thanks. :hug:
i've talked to my hub a couple times this week, he thinks he has the virus, has had a few small symptoms in the past 2 weeks, but he says he's feeling ok. i've been worried about him for those 2 weeks - heard him cough, and got an uneasy feeling. hopefully i'm wrong, i couldn't take it, don't want to be a widow.
i finished 'crutches' last night, about the 3 months while he was recovering in rehab, my first 3 months in mex., and was able to send it to him. i pushed myself to get it done, have had this dread hanging over me for 2 weeks about him, and i wanted him to see our story in case something happened to him. we were both so broken and we found each other, saved each other's lives. it's off to the editor (my d) now.
i haven't been able to feel the relief i thought i would at finishing it last nite. i'm tired today. just getting from one day to the next again. rough waters.
i've been crying all morning, so sad, so mad about what's happening in my country. will it ever end? black lives matter. i've been thru a lot of protests over the years, have demonstrated, raised a fist against injustice, and i just can't believe this continues. i was alive during the civil rights movement, remember it all, the marches, protests, dr. king's speech. what are people so afraid of? dang. if i could, i'd be walking w/ the protesters. this is weighing heavily on my mind, and besides fear of illness, there's the atrocity of this and i'm suffering because of it. if you need to delete this, go ahead, but i stand by it.
my mind is running wild with images of my life, and i keep trying to find happy memories, but they all become tainted w/ something neg. i'm worried about my hub being sick, worried about my mind getting lost, i just need to get this out of me. i keep fighting, battling, suffering, need to stay alive to help my d, so i'll keep fighting, battling, and suffering, but i fear for my mind. i don't know how much longer i can keep this up.
i'll talk to my t this morning. hopefully it'll help. my ability to be stable is so wobbly, i don't even recognize myself anymore. i can make it for a day or maybe 2 w/o xanax, but then it's like my metaphorical legs collapse under me. this can't go on.
My heart is with you, San! These are difficult times indeed. Here's a hug filled with peace and justice! :hug:
thank you 3r for your kindness. i do keep your heart with me, always. it's a good heart, one of the best. :hug:
pretty much cried thru my whole talk w/ my t. my heart is broken for so many reasons.
:hug:
thanks, jazzy. much appreciated it. just making it to the next day. :hug:
that about does it for me. i don't know why i would expect anything different. my d told me my ex called, wanted to know if he should talk to me, she told him i didn't want anything to do with him, so he told her that he's selling the house, 2 papers are coming in the mail for me to sign. why would i expect him to give me a heads up? tell me he was even thinking of selling it? nope. consideration for me was never in this deck of cards, why would i expect it would magically appear?
i'm so upset, so disturbed, my d was completely surprised i'd react this way, told me she didn't think i wanted to have anything to do with the house. that was my house. he didn't even want it, but i pushed for it so that our girls didn't have to grow up in apts. narc misogynists don't want anything to do w/ the conventional 'family' man routine, which is also why he did everything he could while the girls were growing up to stay away. he told both of them he'd checked out of their childhoods.
that house was where i raised my girls, planted my gardens, my plants, flowers, trees. he ripped them all out after i'd gone, and i went cuz i didn't think i had the right to insist that he leave w/ D1, because i couldn't live with them anymore. i've had to leave every single one of my homes, and on top of everything else in these past 6 weeks, it's one more huge surprise loss. i'm ready to curl up and stop.
i can't do this anymore.
Dear SanMagic,
I want to send you a hug :hug: and say that I read what you wrote about your ex and this must be very tough to stomach. I wish there was something I could do - please know that I am thinking of you.
Hope :)
Ugh. We shall sit on the floor together and drink tea and watch tennis. You will cry and I will listen and support you. Big hugs aren't enough! So here's a HUUUUUUGE one. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
Dear San, even more grief added to the enormous amount of grief you already bear. May I just cry with you over another loss? :'(
you're all wonderful. :hug: :hug: :hug:
i'm thinking of sending him an email telling him if he has business w/ me to talk to me, not to my d. she had to deal with the fallout of this news, not him. that's pretty usual. any thoughts? i don't want to sign any papers till i talk to him and he takes what i have to say and shoves it ..... well, you know. at any rate, i just don't think this is anything more than a payoff so he doesn't have to listen to what i have to say, how this affects me, what i think. took the easy way out letting his daughter do his dirty work. :pissed:
i'm not in a good space right now, don't know how long it'll take, but i probably won't be responding to people for a bit. can't get my thoughts down for others. wish i could, but i'm up to my nose and can barely breathe.
You deserve to take care of you first and foremost! :hug:
thanks, blueberry. i appreciate it :hug:
i sent him an email, said i don't want to sign anything till i find out from him what's going on, what everything means, that no matter what, he souldn't be putting my d in the middle of his and my business. it felt like i was taking back some power, cuz i was ready to zombie thru, sign crap, not care. but, i do effing care, and eff him!
:hug: If it helps. . . can you breathe with me? Inhale 1,2,3,4. . . . exhale 1,2,3,4.. . . . . . .then a big hug! :grouphug:
Sounds really rough sanmagic. Hope you manage to work through it okay. All the best! :)
I'm so sorry this has happened, on top of everything else you've already been having to deal with. How horrible you had to leave your house behind, and then he goes and does this. You do have some power here, if he needs your signature to sell - I wouldn't rush to sign anything until you figure out what you need in this situation. He can wait! Very inconsiderate and very hurtful behaviour on his part, you don't owe him any courtesy around this at all since he clearly hasn't given you any.
No one deserves any of what you're going through.
:hug: San I'm not sure what's goingOk but you D shouldn't be in the middle. Stand your ground you got this! :hug: :cheer:
i'd like to reply to everyone individually, but yesterday took a big chunk outta me. thank you all so much for your support. :grouphug:
short story - i called him, turned into stone on the phone (depersonalization?), said what needed to be said, got the story about the house, and told him in no uncertain terms not to ever put our d in the middle of our business again. he tried to defend his actions a couple times, i called him out both times, especially that a parent is sposed to protect their kid no matter how old, not put them in distress, and that it was his job, not hers, to deal with any of the fallout such news might have caused from me.
even writing that stirred me up, so i gotta go. thanks again for all your support. love you all :grouphug:
:hug: you did great big hugs San :hug:
Well done San. :hug:
I hear how hard that experience was, you managed to do what you had to do, and that involved shutting some parts of you off when you made that call. Now you need time to recover. You did well :thumbup:
You did great, san! :cheer: :hug: :hug:
Sounds like it was really tough. Good job making it through! :)
Hi SanMagic,
I also think you did a great job, and sending you a big hug :bighug:
Hope :)
Way to stand strong, San! :cheer: :cheer:
thank you everyone.
had to talk to my ex again yesterday - only half the papers i have to sign came, asked him what was going on. he told me the other ones are coming from his lawyer. i said thanks for letting me know, good-bye, and i'm now broken. i still have to wait for these other frickin' papers and i thought this was going to be done all at once. i hate him. i'm near to tears again, i can't stand this
:hug: You can do this they are on the way. Just breathe San just breathe. :waveline: :hug:
Wrapping you in a gigantic comforter full of strength and hope! :hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug:
:hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug:
:bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
tears of gratitude for all your warmth, comfort and hugs. i'm holding myself together w/ string right now, waiting for the next paper to come and i'll sign away ownership of my house to make sure no one comes after me if the sale doesn't cover the cost of the mortgages he took out to pay for D1's demands and superficial renovations. you all are helping me stay sane. love and thanks to you all.
:hug: oh San I'm so sorry I wish I could be there in person to give a real big hug and support you through this. You have over Come so much. This too will become a stepping stone in journey. Big caring hugs quiet shoulder If you needs it. :hug:
Dear SanMagic, You mentioned holding yourself together with string right now, and it made me want to try some crochet to strengthen your string - maybe interlaced with silver and gold soft velvety threads, and I have no idea why that came to my mind, but I wanted to share it with you - and also send you a hug :hug: Wishing you strength and comfort at this time.
Hope :)