Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Blueberry on April 17, 2020, 03:34:24 PM

Title: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 17, 2020, 03:34:24 PM
Starting new Journals is a little contagious ;-)   I've decided that my old one is getting a little long at 33 pages. More importantly though:

I now understand on a much deeper level how all those physical symptoms I get are directly related to trauma and that if I don't keep on top of them, keep using particular exhaling exercises and other exercises my T has taught me over the years, I end up getting sick. All the terrible colds I get, which are almost flu-like in their symptoms and keep me in bed for the best part of 2 weeks? They're due to emotions getting stuck in my throat, which I feel as a huge frog in my throat, rather than being processed outwards. When they get stuck, sooner or later they turn into a cold. As if being stuck in that spot they end up festering and then infecting my throat.

Even though doing things like EFT (tapping) and other such exercises really exhausts me, physically even - my arms and shoulders get really sore - though I know it's an emotional exhaustion demonstrated in a physical way. But still when I feel how sore they are and how exhausted, I tend to avoid doing my exercises. But now with realising on this deeper level how much these stuck emotions contribute to these continuing bouts of terrible colds/flu, then I can feel more of a willingness to do my therapy exercises. I do not want to go down with a cold atm and then have everybody including myself think I have covid.

Had a really intense T session yesterday and then today after doing a brief exercise that helps tone the ICr down, I was so exhausted I slept for most of the afternoon. A really deep sleep. So I did some processing homework  :applause: :applause: :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 17, 2020, 03:51:44 PM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

such a huge realization!  blueberry, that is so great.   :woohoo:i know from my own experience how much stress and not being able or willing to express emotions can pound on me physically, make and keep me sick.  i'm very proud of you (if it's my place to say that) for taking that leap and putting more energy toward yourself in a pos. way.   :applause:  i can't tell you how very happy i am for you right now.   :waveline:

also, very glad to hear you let yourself sleep  :zzz: when your body and mind needed it.  i truly do think that's part of it as well.  we are so concerned w/ being 'productive' and doing something 'constructive' every day cuz we've been taught by others that to do otherwise means we're lazy (one of my least favorite words) or selfish or some such nonsense,   well done, you!  :thumbup:  love and hugs, sweetie. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on April 17, 2020, 07:39:02 PM
Yay for growing and healing more and more! 🌱
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on April 17, 2020, 09:33:21 PM
Realizing those things is huge. Yay.

I sure understand sleeping for the afternoon. Therapy is often tiring for me. Sometimes it really takes me out.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 18, 2020, 05:32:06 AM
Thank you all, san, 3R and notalone for your validation.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 17, 2020, 03:51:44 PM
i'm very proud of you (if it's my place to say that) for taking that leap and putting more energy toward yourself in a pos. way.   :applause:  i can't tell you how very happy i am for you right now.   :waveline:

Thank you also for this, san. If you feel proud of me, you can say so! It helps me even. This morning I'm proud of having done some more processing last night in bed before I went to sleep and then again on waking up at 3am with a splitting headache. I know that type of headache, it's as if the energy stuck in my throat zooms up to my forehead instead of being exhaled. After doing the processing, I turned my light off again and went back to sleep, so it worked  :cheer: The headache was gone by the time I finished processing. This gives me a good incentive to keep going doing my homework and other processing methods I already know.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 18, 2020, 08:17:08 PM
I had another long sleep this afternoon, apparently I needed it.
I'm actually feeling good atm  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
After my long nap, I made myself some tea and sat in the garden and then I did some actual gardening. After that I had the impulse to go for a little cycle, which I did. Idk when the last time was that I wanted to go for a cycle just for the fun of it. I'm glad I acted on the impulse  :)

This morning I taught one-on-one out in my garden. There's less risk than being indoors. I'm teaching the local language rather than my native language and that makes me a bit more nervous but I managed well.

I have better sleeping patterns atm. I'll be in bed before midnight, no hanging around till 2am simply not going to bed.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 19, 2020, 07:16:30 AM
I have a huge frog-in-my-throat this morning so I'm noting here that it would be advisable for me to do some processing today. There's a shift coming in my mind. It's not about 'should' or 'have to', it's about almost wanting to because it makes me feel better. There is also a fairly large part of me that would prefer to go back to bed and sleep, but I do know that that doesn't get rid of frog-in-my-throat. Just delays it and gives it the opportunity of getting bigger.

I read an article Kizzie posted https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2570.msg99972#msg99972 on Toxic Arguing Tactics and I saw myself all over the place. Though probably I'm seeing myself partially through the eyes of FOO. And also still believing in what FOO says of themselves. The article talks about how narcissists argue without having any knowledge of logical fallacies etc, whereas FOO was very big on the usage of logic in arguments and talked about things like 'logical fallacies' all the time.  Though when it came to me and the things I tried to bring up e.g. abuse, they lost their sense of logic and resorted to put-downs and worse.

I really shouldn't have read the article because now I have one more thing to process today. NTS
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 20, 2020, 11:32:20 AM
I ran away from my T homework yesterday :rundog: though at least not all that I did was unhealthy, e.g. I went for a little cycle with 2 friends. We're sort of allowed to do that here so long as we space ourselves out properly. I sat in the garden for a while and I did a little work e.g. weeding and watering and I even planted something in a better place.

But this morning I finally did some processing. The lump in my throat is maybe a little less and I do have some idea what's behind it. I'm angry at B1 for his claims in the past when we were teens/early 20's that "Rules are made to be broken" which meant he didn't have to stick to any rules and he could go over my limits. There's more behind that. His smugness, self-satisfaction. No one like my parents sticking up for me in anyway of course. I'm not processing this yet, but it made me feel so powerless. There was nothing I could do to change the situation. When I was processing I avoided going into feeling the powerlessness because that would take me into a hysterical Inner Child and I agree with my T that that is no longer good for me.

I'm also angry at my business neighbour for treating the Coronavirus rules so flippantly or just ignoring them altogether. i.e. he doesn't keep back 1.5m and he hangs around in the doorway into our building or even sits on the step smoking. The doorway is not 1.5m wide. It's just so strenuous for me to make the necessary changes for my own business to re-open like ordering plexiglass protection to set up between me and a student and a few other things I need to re-open and on top of that organising things in the entrance way with signs you're meant to have like: Keep 2m apart. He has remained open some of the time, sort of, with no protection, no signs, nothing. And no kind of understanding that it's law! :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

And I'm angry at everybody in the building for constantly leaving work to me or it doesn't get done and leaving limit-setting to me or it doesn't get done and people invade my space instead of getting rid of some junk a previous tenant left lying around or a current tenant has piled somewhere.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: That's the kind of work I eventually do: get rid of some junk. It isn't totally easy here at the best of the times. You can't just drive it to the dump and leave it - you have to pay a fee for some of it and different types go to different places. I'm also the only one in the building who relies on a bicycle for transportation and even though I have been able to borrow a cargo bike for a year or two now, it still involves more trips and more effort than a car would. Especially  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: when I'm the only one to do this kind of work and it's not even my stuff! I do cart my own stuff away, I've always done that, even when I had to go on foot in pre-cargo bike days.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 20, 2020, 02:40:02 PM
After eating some chocolate :thumbdown: I decided against eating some cheese :thumbup: :applause: and went on to do more processing :cheer: Now I feel kind of jittery and Idk how much of that is to do with eating a dark chocolate Easter bunny and how much is to do with processing. Probably a mix. After processing, I washed the dishes which is grounding for me and also helps me find some structure, even if just a little. Having my hands messing around in a sinkful of water is good for me too. Bucketfuls of water e.g. for floor-cleaning are not useful, probably because most cleaning jobs are triggering.

Between yesterday and today I've moved a lot further along towards adopting a little group of Little Furries again.

Another communication from FOO, the parents this time, wondering how I'm doing and whether I received money from them. Today when I feel more on top of things despite nervous feelings in gut and general jitteriness, I'm once again reminded how this corona stuff is not the big issue. No, it's cptsd and all it brings with it, for me e.g. the amount of energy it takes for me to inquire about this or that, get back to my IT guy about the fact that Skype didn't work with a student. She could hear me but I couldn't hear her. The amount of energy involved in contacting my accountant re: are 2018's taxes done? I handed them in late as usual (because it's so much effort for me), but they still ought to be done by now and they don't seem to be... And a bunch of other stuff of that nature.

Still, I'm moving forwards.  It's very :sunny: :sunny: which is nice, though actually the garden and I suppose especially the farms could do with :umbrella: :umbrella: :umbrella: However I tend to manage to be a bit more active when the weather's not overcast. Though there are plenty of times when the weather doesn't help either.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2020, 03:24:58 PM
hey, blueberry,

#1 - i am so mad at your neighbors  :pissed: for not doing their part.  that's just rude and inexcusable, disrespectful and dismissive of your rights.  ugh!

#2 - a huge GOOD FOR YOU!  :applause: for continuing to do your processing, especially when waking up in the middle of the night and being able to get rid of your headache.  i love that you can distinguish what kind of head hurt that was, that it had moved from your throat upward.  well done! :thumbup:

#3 - i totally agree w/ you about so much of what we're going thru re: covid-19 is c-ptsd related.  our backgrounds exacerbate everything, including fear, anxiety, isolation, etc. 

#4 - the idea that the people in our lives live by their own rules, and, to me, the worst part is that they will change the rules to suit their own agendas.  'rules are meant to be broken' is a prime example, to my mind. that's a one-way sentiment/belief.  i say this because if one of us breaks one of their rules, suddenly that example goes out the window.  that's why we can never 'win' when we're up against them.  if we play their game, they will continuously change the rules so we always end up beaten.  i think nc is the only way to remove ourselves from their loop.

it's like that movie 'war games', where the computer concluded the only way to win the game is not to play at all.  that has stuck in my mind since i first saw it, and it made total sense.  the first person i was able to see that with was my sis.  and, yep, she used logic all over the place, but she changed it when it afforded her some benefit to do so.  ugh!

keep going, blueberry.  i think you're doing wonderfully, i really do.  love and hugs to you, my dear. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 21, 2020, 07:24:07 PM
Thank you san so much for your validation, encouragement and for once again giving me words for what's going on.

Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 22, 2020, 09:49:38 AM
I woke up with about 5 different physical symptoms including the old lump-in-throat that could do with therapy exercises, but I haven't so far done any. Yesterday I had a bit of an eating binge before going to bed, so that was another sign.  :rundog: today instead though some of it useful i.e. teaching.

Re: the eating binge - what I ate could definitely have been worse. Today I don't have the feeling of "Oh well, now that I've started using the eating-crutch I might as well continue." :cheer:  More like: today's a new day, can try and process instead. Or at least pause before over-eating and try a different, more healthy crutch and then return to processing.

I'm remembering what a member here - Dee - used to quote from her T: it's not a question of whether we resort to our addictions / unhealthy eating, it's when. And then presumably what we do about it, i.e. continue? or try and process?
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 22, 2020, 03:12:42 PM
i like that 'new day' concept, blueberry.  i used to do the other all the time.  in fact, i'm using the 'new day' concept today - yesterday was a lot of unneeded eating.  so, we'll begin again!

love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 22, 2020, 05:44:12 PM
Thanks, san. Unfortunately I haven't done any processing yet today. I feel all jittery and haven't done 'much of use' at all. I sat in the sun in my kitchen for a couple of hours and dozed off while doing crosswords. I did go into the garden briefly to pick some wild flowers afterwards, but I feel unsafe outside the house. That will undoubtedly be an EF and not covid-related either.

Today I did finally have a shower, washed my hair and even put conditioner in it. It feels and looks better. Nonetheless I have been running my fingers through it and pulling it out since then, more than before I washed it. It's normally the other way round.

Let's see: the construction site next door has extended slightly so that the builders - one of whom lives in my building - could look in at least one of my windows if they felt like it.

I'm adopting some Little Furries on Friday and although I'm very happy about it, it's also a change and caring for them daily will bring some added work to my schedule. Even just going to meet the Little Furries and check on their ailments (of which there are a few) and then bring them home feels stressful. Though someone I know who is very knowledgeable about this type of pet is coming with me to give a second opinion on the ailments. From just looking at the photos she thinks the ailments are actually different from what has been said. One of them could be more of a problem than thought, the other less of a problem. So I'll see.

The neighbour who spreads and spreads seems to have plugged her basement fridge back in, with the only difference being that the cord has been laid differently so doesn't need the extension. Sigh. Groan.  :pissed:  I wrote her an email yesterday, also stating a limit (Friday this week!) by when she has to pay me for the power she used in January. Although I wrote that email, which means I got some of my annoyance out of my system, it's probably been dealt with more on an intellectual level and not really on an emotional level.

After talking to the ll next door about the spreading-neighbour in the garden on what is actually next door's property (don't ask...) and ll saying he'd be annoyed about some of that stuff going on too and also mentioning his employee (the builder who lives in my building), I got up the courage to speak to builder-neighbour a couple of times, mostly small things like him enjoying sitting out in the garden now  :thumbup: but also attempted to clear up a disagreement between the two of us months ago now. He's not very good at the local language yet, so there's always room for misunderstandings, but I did manage to explain why it was that I wouldn't help him back then (health-related!) and why I suggested he speak to two other neighbours. He explained now that he tried but one of them didn't have the necessary equipment to help him and the other (spreading-neighbour) gave him the wrong information. Possibly on purpose, possibly because she seems pretty spaced out, except about things that are important to her. (Which is different from me being dissociated, because then I'm spaced about everything.) Help somebody else in the building :no: Take on a communal job in the building when asked  :no: Clean up after herself when in a shared part of the building  :no: (Tho to be fair when her h is here, he does sweep the floor after they've made a mess). Then my builder neighbour went on to complain about spreading-neighbour. So much for her information to me that everybody in the building complains about me all the time. Well, at least one complains about her too. (Long rant, probably good for me to write.) Anyway because of his explanations and reaction towards me, I feel as if bad feelings on both sides have been healed a bit. That definitely feels more relaxed. A change for the better :yes: :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 22, 2020, 06:47:18 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2020, 03:24:58 PM
#1 - i am so mad at your neighbors  :pissed: for not doing their part.  that's just rude and inexcusable, disrespectful and dismissive of your rights.  ugh!

Thanks for giving me words for what's being done to me and using strong words like 'inexcusable' for it as well.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2020, 03:24:58 PM
#4 - the idea that the people in our lives live by their own rules, and, to me, the worst part is that they will change the rules to suit their own agendas.  'rules are meant to be broken' is a prime example, to my mind. that's a one-way sentiment/belief.  i say this because if one of us breaks one of their rules, suddenly that example goes out the window.  that's why we can never 'win' when we're up against them.  if we play their game, they will continuously change the rules so we always end up beaten.  i think nc is the only way to remove ourselves from their loop.

This helps me understand better what I endured with FOO in my teens, early 20's and later too. You're so right. Breaking one of B1's rules when I was a teenager / early 20's and even later brought a ton of rage, totally disproportionate to what I had done: Spoke. Defended myself verbally, lost his spare key, that kind of thing. I didn't actually lose his spare key but the consequences he'd promised if I did, were so over the top that I spent my little hike when I was visiting him in such a state of nervous tension that I couldn't find the keys anywhere on me or in my bag although I did have them on me. This happens to me sometimes: I simply cannot see what is right in front of me, often it's a key or some such small object. I don't seem to be able to feel it with my fingers either. It's very strange but it happens. I guess it's some form of dissociation. Fortunately in the hike example, after retracing my steps and not finding his key on the ground anywhere, I then did find it in my bag after all.

SIL2 is another one with obscure rules that don't apply to her. She's big on people being polite. Her ideas on what is polite is based on the etiquette of the social class and area of the country she comes from, which is a country none of FOO is from and I certainly wouldn't place myself in her social class. She's quite fine with looking down her nose at me, glaring at me or even making nasty comments for what she sees as inexcusable but permits herself to be as rude as she likes under the guise of 'humour'. I'm pretty much NC with her. I don't object to photos via email of the LOs, which happens max once a year, but that's it. If I have something to communicate, then it's via B2. With FOO I'm VVVLC not NC for various reasons, but I do understand how NC might be better in some ways. My T is working with me to help me stay out of the loop while still getting a few benefits: money and a little contact to LOs.

Of course M and F have and had different rules for me as opposed to for B1, B2, SIL2, themselves, each other etc.  :stars: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

'Rules are meant to be broken' is so arrogant, at least when I hear B2 saying it in my head.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:  :blowup:  At least I'm in touch with some of my anger atm. I can't imagine myself ever saying 'Rules are meant to be broken' as a general rule or in order to be dismissive of somebody else. It's big progress for me to think to myself "I'm going to break this rule", imposed by FOO.

I have T tomorrow which will be helpful.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 23, 2020, 02:46:23 AM
blueberry, i'm very sorry i used that absolute pertaining to 'the only way out of the loop is thru nc.'  it's not the only way, and i was wrong to say that.  :sadno:  i'm glad your t is helping you find a way that will work for you and your situation.  that's absolutely great.  :thumbup:

sending love and a hug filled with 'it won't happen again'. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 23, 2020, 06:11:54 AM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 23, 2020, 02:46:23 AM
blueberry, i'm very sorry i used that absolute pertaining to 'the only way out of the loop is thru nc.'  it's not the only way, and i was wrong to say that. 
Dear san, don't worry about that! I didn't take your remark as being prescriptive, but more like: we need to get out of the loop and stay out. Or keep getting out again :whistling:  Every day is a new day ;)  Nah, I don't mess this up so much any more.  :hug:  :grouphug: right backatcha.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 26, 2020, 07:19:40 PM
In the past few days I had dealings with a woman who I caught twisting the truth up, spinning tales etc. Idk whether she has a PD or not and I don't actually even care. Today I came out on top. I have what I want and need and what she denied me on Friday despite having emailed me a couple of days before saying I could choose on Friday.

I just was not impressed with all her yarns and I saw through her and she knew I did. She knew I'd won the argument so to speak so she gave in. She told me we'd do the exchange this evening in 2 minutes then she never wanted to see me again and she didn't want any discussions during the hand-over. But then she herself tried to discuss and accuse me of all sorts of stuff during the hand-over. I just let it all flow over me until I reminded her the plan had been not to discuss ;) I obviously know more than she does about the topic, not that I realised that on Friday, but I do now. I don't have the feeling that I need to prove anything to her. I don't have any  :pissed: :pissed: feelings or need to churn it all over in my head. That's all progress for me :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

In addition I notice that I am capable of holding my own and not even being triggered in a discussion with conflicting view points. Yay! I hadn't envisaged the whole thing would go as easily as it did this evening.

At my last appt with my T, he said (and I realised it too) that I need to dwell more on my successes than I have done up until now. Really make it clear to myself: I achieved xyz and not criticise and harangue myself for maybe not realising something quickly enough or for continuing to grumble to my neighbour when she has already given me what I needed from her. I did that this past week. My T says: forget it! My neighbour is far from perfect in her dealings with me. The important thing is that I set her a limit (before our 'discussion') and she acted on it. That means that now things are different from in FOO. I can get people to accept my limits and act in an appropriate way towards me, even if it sometimes takes a few months and some reminders....
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on April 27, 2020, 01:03:48 AM
 :yourock:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on April 27, 2020, 07:51:40 AM
Hi Blueberry,
You definitely rock - that is great how you handled that situation, and it's a positive outcome.   :cheer: 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2020, 01:08:22 PM
i agree with 3r and hope - you rock, blueberry!  well done :thumbup:

i like the idea of remembering your successes - i think that's a good reminder all the way around.  it's too easy to get caught up in the negative, isn't it.  well, we've all had more practice with that!  love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 27, 2020, 04:15:16 PM
Thank you all :grouphug: Today I felt a bit EF-y about it, so it's good I wrote it down and got validation from you all.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2020, 01:08:22 PM
i like the idea of remembering your successes - i think that's a good reminder all the way around.  it's too easy to get caught up in the negative, isn't it. 

It's especially easy for me to get caught up in my list of things to do rather than take a step back and say to myself  :yourock:  :cheer: and celebrate for myself what I've achieved. As soon as I go back to thinking what all I 'should' do some of which has been on the list for weeks or months, then I get caught back up in the negative very fast. The negative of feeling 'useless', incapable, slow, stupid, incompetent etc. etc. The opposite would be the belief that I can do this!! The word for the opposite has slipped my mind in English. I would remember if I saw it.

On Thursday I managed another thing too: I managed to put my outside washing line up again, on the second go. The good thing is: I told myself  - You are capable of doing this and then I was able. I've had trouble with it before which helps me develop a mental and psychological block and I generally have trouble with that sort of thing anyway.

I got stuck on some other stuff today. I turned off my computer and was honestly about to allow myself to go into my apartment and lie down on my sofa, but instead I got down on my hands and knees to do some measuring, then I worked out the square metrage of my office space and then I even phoned a couple of businesses about some covid protective measures it might be advisable for me to get installed. One company is going to drop by tomorrow to give me an estimate. So that's certainly got the ball rolling again.  :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on April 27, 2020, 04:42:01 PM
 :cheer: for the positive steps you are taking. Care and hugs to you no matter what you do or don't do, just because you are you.  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 28, 2020, 07:49:24 AM
Thank you very much notalone!  :hug:

Quote from: notalone on April 27, 2020, 04:42:01 PM
  Care and hugs to you no matter what you do or don't do, just because you are you.  :hug:

This is difficult for me to grasp, especially the underlined bit, but I know that has to do with my past, with the emotional / psychological abuse. I know also from their posts that other mbrs on here have trouble with this concept so I am not alone. Nobody will laugh at me for not grasping this concept with my emotions.

___________________________________

I realised today I tend to agree to do something for somebody too quickly for myself before I even know if the other person needs it that fast or at all. I leap to attention and agree to give somebody something of mine based on some chance remark of theirs. When I agree to do something too soon for my own capacities, then I'm giving something of mine: my time, my energy, my sense of peace (which I lose to stress). The thing I said I'd do by today - it's not even business - the people emailed me today saying "No problem!! Take the time you need." I really needed this reprieve. But how about I had asked them on the weekend how long I could take for the decision because I have a lot of stuff piling up where I need to make decisions? Or even without the "because..." since they don't need to know or understand why.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 28, 2020, 06:42:11 PM
dear blueberry,

i relate to this completely.  i was conditioned to 'jump' whenever there was something someone wanted, never being able to think of myself first.  i've gone thru this similar scenario so many times!  i still catch myself doing it, altho it's not as often as in the past.  i'm glad for you that you're able to recognize it.  :applause:

keep taking care of you!  love and hugs  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 29, 2020, 08:18:16 AM
I did a little EFT last night in bed, tho not even a complete round. It enabled me to fall asleep. Last time I told my T of such an incident he replied that it was good because doing EFT was at least enough to relax me enough to sleep! I hadn't seen it that way but rather as a failure because I hadn't completed all 3 rounds and I probably also had planned to do EFT on several different topics, as was the case last night too. But at least I slept! :cheer: Eye and mind on change for the better not on 100% goal.

On Friday i adopted 3 Fur Babies and was rather disconcerted to note that I felt overwhelmed and not particularly happy, though I had Fur Babies of this type for years. But by today I'm noticing their benefit for me far more. I'm interacting with them more and they are with me too. When I look at them and talk to them, they come out of their corners and hidden spots and approach me or gaze at me from a raised part of their housing, then they start interacting with each other again, which is normal for them and better than each sitting in a corner  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on April 29, 2020, 02:34:22 PM
Fur babies! 🐹🐰🐭❤️❤️❤️
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on April 29, 2020, 08:33:27 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 28, 2020, 06:42:11 PM
dear blueberry,

i relate to this completely.  i was conditioned to 'jump' whenever there was something someone wanted, never being able to think of myself first. 

Thanks for this san. It shows me I'm not alone and it also helped me make some more connections in my head.

I was conditioned to jump before the other person wanted something from me. Having been regularly told by M that I was "in the way", I constantly asked people if I was in the way right up into my 20's. Needless to say, I didn't end up with good awareness of my own space and boundaries. How could I have? "You're in the way" from M meant that I wasn't really meant to exist anyway, but if I did then I was supposed to be a mind-reader and know where she was stepping next or what she was doing next. So there was no safe space around me, nowhere where I could just be and not have somebody pushing me aside or feel constantly on the alert that it might happen. Of course probably nobody much on this forum had the feeling of safe space around them growing up but somehow in my mind I'm seeing this totally penetrable circle around Child me. I'm not even going in as far as to feel it yet.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on April 30, 2020, 02:38:02 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on April 28, 2020, 07:49:24 AM
Or even without the "because..." since they don't need to know or understand why.
I am learning this too. I'm getting a lot of practice with work. I text "sorry, not available" (to work a shift) with out explaining. . . 'because I need time to just be. .  .'because I have therapy the day before and need to crash. . . because. . . .because.. . .  Nope. No need to give a reason. My reason for not accepting a shift is good for me. It doesn't matter if the other person would understand or think the reason is 'good enough,' therefore, no need to give a reason.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 30, 2020, 04:36:18 PM
 :yeahthat:

the whole idea of safe space surrounding some of us is so very inherent in our beings at times.  even when i was renting a room in that woman's house a couple years ago, she would venture in w/out permission while i was working at the computer, and scare the crapola out of me!  then, when i jumped and let out a yell, she'd laugh.  my heart rate jumped sky high.  my sis used to jump out and scare me like that when we were kids, and also laugh when i got startled.  after nearly 2 yrs. of living w/ my d, who is very respectful, my startle response has lessened somewhat, but it still shows up at times.  our past experiences can be so difficult to overcome.

also, those unrealistic expectations to be able to read minds and anticipate someone else's behavior - it's like they've been branded in our brains or something.  ugh!  wears me out just thinking about it!  i hate that your M did that to you.

i've started doing EFT tapping before bed to relax me, too, and it's been helping.  i haven't always done 3 rounds, either - i've stopped when i could just feel it thru my body and give a yawn.  i'm glad you've found it helpful for yourself.

love and hugs, blueberry. :hug:

Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 01, 2020, 07:28:10 PM
Quote from: Three Roses on April 29, 2020, 02:34:22 PM
Fur babies! 🐹🐹🐹❤️❤️❤️

Yes! I'm not sure if that is meant to depict a guinea pig or a hamster. I have 3 guineas anyway :) :) :)  I go up and down a lot about whether I dare to post that - this is the Internet after all. But truly the chance of any FOO mbrs dropping by and then recognising me is really, really small. There was a previous mbr on here who claimed her FOO did just that which rattled me and had me worried for a long time. But now I think it probably wasn't even true, but just a way to get attention and spread unease on the forum.

I'm not so sure about my therapy homework but I am taking concrete steps atm. Today I suddenly realised that there is a lot going on - no wonder I feel a bit de-stabilised and am having trouble 'getting on with things'. I'm too tired to write anymore, so self-care - turn off the computer, go and get something to drink and then give the guineas some attention. They helped me this morning - I was very tempted to go back to bed but talked to them instead and then started tidying up in my apartment  :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 03, 2020, 08:04:10 PM
NTS: It would have been good to do a few rounds of EFT yesterday on "I accept myself even though somebody else accused me of having inflationary prices". Instead I ate badly yesterday, I also craved chocolate and caffeine, though I didn't give in. Finally I went into the garden in the early evening. That got rid of the cravings but it didn't deal with the problem as such. Today I was awake at 6:30am but didn't get out of bed till just before noon. Some time during the afternoon I realised I'd been in a bit of an EF.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 08, 2020, 02:34:45 PM
I'm not sure whether I even did any EFT on loving myself despite being accused of having inflationary prices. However, today I wrote to the person in question explaining what my work entails and also that I would much have preferred the person to tell me in advance rather than dropping by on my doorstep with the student right before the lesson and making that remark. So, I'll see what comes of it. Now I feel really tired though. I just came back down into my office after 'lunch' at 4pm, aiming to get on with other business stuff, but I noticed I'm so tired.

I have accomplished a lot including some daring things in the past couple of days. I spoke to my doc at noon and said I was feeling and doing well and had been for a couple of days. I also mentioned a couple of things that are bothering me atm, but generally: NTS I'm doing well today. So with that in mind, if I'm feeling tired, then there's a reason, so give myself a break and stop work for the next hours.  :yes:

I have read other posts in the past few days but I don't think I've responded. I do think of other mbrs on here so sending you all  :grouphug: but it's novel for me to be saying, I'll get on with my own things especially since I'm tired and NOT respond to any posts for now.  :cheer:  :spooked:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on May 08, 2020, 07:58:53 PM
Glad you are taking care of yourself. Here is a hug back.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 09, 2020, 09:30:06 AM
Thank you notalone! you're right I'm taking care of myself and I don't need to feel ashamed of that. Correction: can learn to accept that as my right. (Though it still feels scary and I have butterflies in my stomach.)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 09, 2020, 10:18:40 AM
I started re-reading a book called "He's Just Not That Into You" last night. I was intending to look one last time and then put it on the junk pile. But instead I saw the behaviour of friends I have since cut out of my life and I saw the behaviour of FOO members. Instead of 'not being into me', in the case of FOO they didn't / don't care (enough) about me. They don't care enough about me now.

I see now excuses I made for FOO (believing theirs) where friends and my doc carefully pointed out a different way of looking at the situation. e.g. after Second Horrendous FOO Event when I left this FOO holiday to escape back home, my parents told me to phone them when I got home to tell them I'd made the 1500km trip (by air and train). I didn't do so. But a friend asked shocked: Why don't they phone you?? I replied that they weren't actually at home but on the other part of the FOO holiday so didn't easily have a phone available. Friend: They're not out of touch with civilisation...

Greg (co-author of the above book) when a guy puts it on you to phone: "He's just not that into you." My translation for FOO situation:"They just don't care enough." Greg: "Why would you waste your time with a guy like that?" My translation for FOO situation: "Why waste time, energy, thoughts on a family like that??" (Lump in throat, it's hard. But it's true).

A friend I wrote Recovery Letters to here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10215.0 and who is no longer in my life - there were a lot of things askew in that friendship, but one thing that irked me which Greg mentions in the book - not wanting to meet friends and family. There come a time in friendships where I am curious to meet their friends or possibly family (whether FOO or FOC - of course if their FOO is like most of our FOOs, then not). But I'd like to know more about them, see them in a different setting, share time with them and their other friends. If you don't live in the same town, it doesn't happen automatically. Well, I met some of her friends but when I mentioned a particular friend of mine would like to meet her (they had spoken on the phone once after my First Horrendous FOO Event), no-longer-friend came up with excuses for why not e.g. we hadn't seen each other for a long time. Translation: I want you for myself, I want your full undivided attention. That's not actually Greg's 'reason' in the field of romance, but him giving that as a red flag in a supposedly serious relationship, helped me see it here. No-Longer-Friend cared way more about her own agenda than me in the context of friendship but at the same time she expected me to give more than she gave me, way more.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 09, 2020, 01:37:36 PM
hey, blueberry,

taking care of yourself is a right.  that was so good to hear, as i'm struggling right now with knowing what i have the right to do or not.  it's something i've just discovered in session, so it was good to read that.  helps cement it for me.

my d has her own business, sets her own prices as well, and has struggled w/ worrying about how much to charge.  i've had the same w/ my own work.  sometimes it's difficult to determine what the market will hold and what pays honor to your own hard work.  but, saying something like that in front of a student?  nope!  not cool!

and, i've made excuses for the behavior of people most all my life, but have stopped now.  they've all had the same chances i have to work on being a better version of themselves, no matter what might have happened in their past.  they chose not to.

keep taking care of you.  love and hugs! :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 09, 2020, 07:23:11 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 09, 2020, 01:37:36 PM
taking care of yourself is a right.  that was so good to hear, as i'm struggling right now with knowing what i have the right to do or not.   
Yes! It's our right!!! Thank you for writing that because it helps cement for me too! :yes:

I know price-setting is difficult. At one point I put my prices up too high and backed down again a few months later, but my present prices aren't too high for the work I do. Apparently if nobody ever tells you your prices are too high, then they're too low. It was also partly the way this person went about it, assuming (out loud) that I and others who work in this area join together to put the prices up. Um, no. Some charge way more in fact. There are people who charge less, sometimes because they do a couple of hours 'for fun' in their spare time. It's like accusing an early childhood educator (not my profession, just an example) of charging more than a 16 y.o. babysitter. Not cool. Here too I have the right to take care of myself by charging an adequate price and by objecting to the assumptions made about me and my price-setting :yes: :yahoo:

 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 11, 2020, 05:25:18 PM
It's raining today. The countryside, gardens and farms all need rain, but I tend to go back to bed when it rains. Just to add to the rain, I have way too much on my Could do list for the day and even though it is Could and not Must having too much on it tends to shunt me back to bed. Especially when I have too much of things that are difficult or strangely enough used to be difficult: writing bills, cleaning, changing the vaccuum cleaner bag, showering and washing hair. So far done none of that, though I did at least buy new vaccuum cleaner bags. Changing the vaccuum cleaner bag used to be really difficult, really really exhausting as in wipe me out for the day. It's no longer quite that bad but I haven't done it yet today. Another thing on my Coulds was do some EFT and breathe-out-and-process therapy exercise. Haven't done that either but now it occurs to me that I could do either of these exercises on my exhaustion with changing vac. cleaner bags. Or just call it a day and do the easiest constructive thing: put some music on and either wash some more dishes or tidy anywhere.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 12, 2020, 10:46:13 AM
I didn't even do the easiest constructive thing. Went to bed (it was evening) and did crossword puzzles instead and then read through a few books and put them on the discard pile.

I have the beginnings of a sore throat and sore ears. It won't be COVID though, it just means I ought to be processing / doing my therapy exercises.

Today I have at least changed the vacuum cleaner bag and done some vaccuuming. And I have of course chatted with my Little Furries, which is a Good Thing.

I made some real progress on Sunday but I feel too idk what - exhausted? embarrassed? - to write it down.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on May 12, 2020, 03:53:56 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I wish I could send you a soothing tonic or something to help your sore throat and sore ears. 
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 12, 2020, 08:14:13 PM
Thank you Hope!  :hug: I fell asleep for the afternoon and they went away.

I have therapy on Thursday. So I suppose that might galvanise me into doing some processing, at the latest during therapy. This early evening I decided I might as well go into the garden and do some weeding since I'm doing next to nothing of what's on any of my lists. When I am asleep, FOO weaves in and out of my dreams, so I suppose there's some processing going on there. Maybe I just need a kind of break again? At least I did do a little tiny clear out today. 6 books gone to the Neighbourhood Book Shelf makes a little dent in the chaos here.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Deep Blue on May 12, 2020, 11:06:56 PM
Hey blueberry,
I just wanted to offer you some comfort and support  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 13, 2020, 03:50:27 PM
hey, blueberry, i think even the smallest progress counts.  you talked to your furries, you did some chores, you worked in the garden.   :cheer: for that.  and you also took some time to rest, relax w/ your puzzles.  i thin that counts as well as a self-care thing! :cheer:  i know we have those ugly messages telling us that if we're not being 'productive' or doing something 'constructive' we're lazy or not worth much, but i've learned thru the years that taking time for non-brain work is really important to re-juice our mental system, especially if our brains are processing other issues.  i find nothing negative, at least from my viewpoint, in what you've described.

with you all the way, blueberry.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 13, 2020, 06:42:20 PM
Thank you Deep Blue for your support  :hug: and to you san for your words :hug: They help to give me different perspective. 

Today I had the impression I could be in two different places at once i.e. could stay at home warm and go outside in the pouring rain and take Little Furry to the vet's. It was the vaguest impression that this would be possible, so I did leave the house more or less on time. I've had that kind of crazy feeling before, but way worse. Still it's a little shake-up feeling that way again.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 15, 2020, 07:21:51 PM
I feel like hiding under the bedclothes  :fallingbricks: and in fact I have been doing a lot of that today. So I will go and write on 3 Good Things instead.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 15, 2020, 10:23:10 PM
I come back on here thinking I'll write, but when I get here I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered doing much irl either, although to give me my due I did respond to a few emails I've been intending to do for a while, so that's a form of reaching out. It's way too late to phone somebody but it would be good to do that tomorrow.

Yesterday in T I figured that I'm really doing pretty well atm and now look at me, I say to myself, what a mess. Especially my apartment. Oh man, what a mess. I have bigger living quarters for my Little Furries than I ever used to have. It's good for them but it's more to clean. I did do that yesterday but I did have to push myself a bit. Oh well, I just have to admit to myself that for whatever reason things are a bit difficult today, even though things seemed good in therapy yesterday.

Maybe there was some part of me that didn't feel so good yesterday that didn't get expressed? Yes, the inner head is nodding. That would explain why part of me feels like screaming and yelling and getting hysterical. My T gave me a new exercise yesterday where you can tap your head and maybe massage it to and make grimaces and noises with your mouth but you don't actually have to 'go into anything' since I often don't want to, but maybe there was something I ought to have gone into? Again the inner head is nodding. That explains my desire to eat today. Well, there's lots of time to do some processing tomorrow. It really is time to go to bed now.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 15, 2020, 10:51:13 PM
much love and many hugs while you sort this out, blueberry :grouphug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 16, 2020, 08:42:32 PM
Thanks san  :hug:
One thing I realised today - it's difficult moving out of lockdown. We never had a really strict lockdown in place but now people are moving out more and more and the emergency laws are being relaxed. Now I have this feeling that things are going back to normal so I have to "be normal" too. It's as if the covid lockdown was a time of respite and now I'll be expected to or expect myself to be normal. In some ways that would be good undoubtedly - wash hair and shower: I haven't done that for aaaages. If societal norms help me with basic self-care, that's good, but my not doing these things automatically shows me how strenuous they are for me. Actually I know that because it takes a lot out of me to do them in normal times.

For whatever reason I'm feeling vulnerable and that can make showering seem dangerous, also listening to music I like. Difficulty listening to music I like has to do with B1, I know. I managed to work through that during inpatient therapy. It took a long time, but I managed. Idk what the hurdle is atm. I guess I need patience with myself.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 16, 2020, 09:56:48 PM
Something I read and then responded to on Sceal's journal brought a memory up. Sceal's T says she needs to stand on her own two feet - bing! Trigger! That's the sort of thing B1 decided and pronounced a lot while I was growing up. Somehow it was his prerogative to decide that for me. I was sometimes helped out of my predicament by other people and sometimes I helped myself out too. It was usually in the outdoors somewhere doing some sport and he'd back out and say: "it's time you learned to do this on your own!"  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :blowup: Who was he to decide?? I presume by that time I was already traumatised - I was generally frightened, nervous and physically weak and slow in ways that remained until a good way through trauma therapy. His backing out and leaving me to do whatever on my own didn't actually work out the way he thought it might. I remained frightened and sometimes I remained huddled crying somewhere seemingly unable to get out of the situation on my own.

Recently somebody asked me if I liked going out to the lake (in general) and all that came was a memory of canoeing and feeling useless and not part of my FOO, not good enough to join in what they were doing. I did go canoeing with them and other things like walking along the edge of a very frozen lake but I was frightened and cried all the way. I can imagine that that was annoying for parents, but I was presumably way out of depth with my feelings and if FOO did any comforting it was via logic and that simply didn't work. But mostly they shouted at me and called me names. And canoeing: I just never felt very happy in a boat, just didn't feel safe to me. Possibly the problem was being with FOO in boats, or possibly the fear of boats is not even connected to the boats... I don't like flying but at some point in my adult life I started panicking in planes and the reason eventually came to the fore: there's no safe ground under foot in a plane (obviously) and that lack of safe ground reminded me viscerally of CSA. Maybe that's the trouble or part of the trouble with boats too. CSA started really early, before I was introduced to canoeing. And then there was all the emotional and psychological abuse and neglect which made me feel useless at different types of sport. Well, they told me I was, so no wonder I felt that way.

Once B1 even shoved a canoe I was in and he was supposedly going to get in - he shoved it away instead saying it was time I learned to be in a canoe on my own. I climbed out instead and swam back to shore and he had to go and rescue the canoe before it floated off downstream (ha, ha). I didn't get in much trouble surprisingly enough, I was just told that it was safer to stay in a boat then get out of it in moving water. But B1 didn't get in any trouble whatsoever. Nobody said anything to him about agreeing to go in a boat with somebody and shoving the boat out into the current with the other person alone in it. I didn't believe in my ability to make the canoe do what I wanted or needed, so I climbed out of it :thumbup:  And I didn't cry because I was able to act in the situation instead, just not the way FOO expected.

I guess my T realises it's not helpful for me to be 'pushed away' to work things out for myself. I do quite a lot of the latter anyway, but it wouldn't feel good to me to be told I have to manage on my own or I 'should' be able to manage on my own 'by now'. In fact I tell myself that often enough, which my T knows. It wouldn't help if he joined in, with me and with FOO.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on May 17, 2020, 03:41:11 AM
Lacking the childhood foundation of safety, not feeling loved and cared for, not having a safe adult help with feelings and situations; makes it really difficult to "work things out." Plus, at such young ages, we were forced to deal with things that no one should ever have to handle. All our energy and resources went into surviving. I'm not sure if this makes sense. I'm working through it myself.

Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 17, 2020, 10:33:56 PM
It makes total sense to me, notalone, thanks for posting. I'm sorry you're working through this at the moment too.

At least when I can engage my brain it makes sense, but otherwise I seem to be somewhere else rn. Maybe a large part of me can be in an EF and simultaneously a small part of me can step to the fore in certain situations and function, but mostly not very well? I think I'll go and read on the EF part of the forum.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 18, 2020, 10:27:02 AM
I did read on the appropriate part of the forum yesterday and it helped along with - as usual - simply time. I'm not quite out of my EF but more parts of me are functioning again. I don't feel so paralysed anymore.

I think, I even know, that adopting Little Furries again was not the best plan in all ways. They do make work which I simply do not feel up to doing so now I feel really behind in cleaning, tidying and even laundry. It's as if I'm drowning in Little Furry paraphernalia and work. I could be EFT-ing this realisation but somehow I can't even muster up the energy to do that. But it's helpful to admit to myself and now on here that maybe it wasn't the best plan. otoh I know it was good to adopt them from the situation they were in, so if I decide to re-home them once this Corona stuff has calmed down a bit, then that would certainly be an option, for which I would not need to feel guilty. I probably would feel the latter a bit, but at least I've given myself reasons to not feel that way. So that makes me feel relieved and removes some of the feeling of: I've got years of work ahead of me looking after Little Furries and paying for their care too.

Also admitting to myself that it might not have been the best plan freed up energy and motivation for me to go and sit next to their housing and observe them and talk to them, which in turn gives me joy and more energy to look after them as well as more energy to think up different solutions which might make some of their care easier, less time-consuming. Ideas I'd had before actually but hadn't gone through with.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 18, 2020, 12:22:51 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 20, 2020, 09:43:51 AM
I come on here to write and then hardly manage it. e.g. yesterday evening. Today I'm trying anyway. My office is chaos, my apartment is chaos. I can't clear either atm. Tidy a tiny bit, yes, but no more. I managed quite a lot of clearing yesterday in the garden. That's something I cannot manage always at all. I mean clearing some plants that have spread way too far, clearing parts of beds to make room for other plants with prettier, bee-friendlier flowers. That's ofte something I cannot decide on at all. And now it's working. So doesn't it make better sense to do that than attempt to clear up in rooms, especially at this time of year? It's good to be outside with the nice weather. When I spend time indoors, I often head to my sofa because it's really difficult not to.

The only things in my apartment I am managing to let go of atm are books - off to the neighbourhood bookshelf - and  paper(s). Getting rid of books is certainly good, makes space for other books that are on the floor. Papers and bits of paper don't take up much room but everything helps.

Here I can write it, it's hard to admit it to other people, tho I have told one friend: care of Little Furries is just too much for me. It's helpful to think that I might not keep them for their whole lives and that atm they're having a nice holiday with me, often going down into the garden and they are together again and have their gigantic living quarters again. They had been separated from each other and their living quarters. But that doesn't negate the fact that I have one Little Furry with a chronic health problem which needs daily care. I finally did it last night and while I was about it I managed to clip one claw.  :cheer: I know I ought to be able to clip all of them but it's very hard for me. Forcing a living being to sit still while I do something potentially dangerous to it - you can cut too high up etc. All those "just believe in yourself and you'll manage" sayings don't work for me. Of course not, I don't believe in my ability to do it. Which is why it's good I recognise that I clipped one claw before doing the medicinal care. Also about a week ago I removed a flap of calloused skin of the paws of one of the other Little Furries. I know you're encouraged to do that but I'd never managed before. Well last week I did :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Slow bit-by-bit progress is good of course but when you're talking about living beings like pets, it can be unfair to them. This makes me sad. My inability makes me sad. My mind is blank. That hasn't happened for a while. Oh yeah now I know what I wanted to write: having got Little Furries again means I'm coming up against a whole slew of 'trauma topics' I might not have come up against. And there were quite enough already anyway.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 20, 2020, 09:56:51 PM
This evening I was losing things, like my pen though it was right in front of me. So I used my pencil. Then I lost it but found my pen again. That is to say it turned up. I also looked everywhere for a text book and found it on my desk more or less in front of me. One thing I did to help mitigate the effects was deliver some homework to a student (into his letter box) rather than scan and email because I knew a little cycle would help ground me a bit. Also the mere thought of grappling with the computer - as is often the case when I have to scan something - was enough to make me want to give up.

Another thing I did earlier in the day, when I suppose I could sense that this kind of state of mind was coming up, was run a particular errand then and not try and sort out homework for this student or write a note to somebody else although my little cycle to deliver the latter two was in the same part of town as the first errand. I simply knew I couldn't do all three errands together for psychological reasons.

Today I got an email from FOO, nothing special, just keeping in touch. I had been intending to email soon anyway so did that today. I'm blank. COVID denial. Not totally surprising. I still think I'll be sad when my parents especially F passes on, but I'm learning to let go. If they're in denial and get COVID, their problem. It's more the other things F writes about that annoy me - trying triangulation and also as usual asking me to pass on greetings to somebody where I've already said I won't. I just don't mention that in responses anymore. Reading and especially responding to FOO emails especially to ones from M and/or F make me question my use of language and not just to them.
Now I'll go over to 3 Good Things to see if that will help me focus on healthier things.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 22, 2020, 09:33:26 PM
Today when I was making a meal, I noticed not for the first time how slow I am about it. I can't do it faster, not even simple meals. It takes the time it does, and I suppose the change today is that I'm beginning to accept my slowness with this particular activity as cptsd-related. I did 3 rounds of EFT on accepting it and forgiving myself. I know the answer isn't doing a cookery course somewhere because that wouldn't resolve the underlying problem. In fact doing a course would probably trigger a whole bunch of stuff instead.

I did face one hobgoblin from the past while cooking today. I have a very pretty oven dish which I have never used before. M brought it to me from a deceased relative's house, partly because it is pretty and also good quality but the other good thing about it is it's designed for 1-2 people rather than the usual family of four or more. So I was really happy when M brought it to me over 2 decades ago. As I think back to using it today, I can feel the fear in my diaphragm again.

I know it's an oven-proof dish but while it was in the oven, I was still frightened of the dish cracking, breaking. Well, it has to do with M and the irrational things she expected me to automatically know as a child and later too. That combined with things she brought me or gave me weren't actually mine in her worldview. I have ditched things over the years that I genuinely didn't want or like, as well as some things I did like but didn't want to feel the connection. But there are things like this oven dish that I have kept and I finally dared use it today! :) :cheer: But the fear in my diaphragm still makes me feel as if somebody has sent a physical blow to that part of my anatomy.

This visceral fear of the dish cracking in the oven for most of the time the dish was in the oven (40 minutes) and in fact even before I put the mixture in the dish - well, maybe somebody else on here can relate. I don't think anybody without cptsd is likely to be able to relate. The fear helps me understand why I'm slow while preparing food and cooking. I remember somebody else on here commenting that I'm frightened of feelings. I hadn't consciously realised before then, I just knew that they were hard for me, but I didn't know that it was because I'm frightened of feeling my feelings.  Feeling them and just allowing them to be instead of me escaping?? No, thank you!  Preparing food and cooking, also cleaning - these are activities which put me in touch with bad memories of times with M and both GrM, directly connected to doing those activities with them, or most likely under their instruction. That's enough for today.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on May 22, 2020, 10:51:56 PM
Those seem like big realizations to me.  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: owl25 on May 22, 2020, 11:19:21 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on May 16, 2020, 09:56:48 PM
it wouldn't feel good to me to be told I have to manage on my own or I 'should' be able to manage on my own 'by now'.

Quote from: Blueberry on May 22, 2020, 09:33:26 PM
the irrational things she expected me to automatically know as a child and later too.

I relate so much to both these bits, blueberry. I was expected to magically know how to do things, without ever being taught, and if I asked for help, it was a strong negative reaction. I spent the majority of my life petrified when there were things I didn't know how to do and I thought I was supposed to automatically know. It's a really frightening experience to feel that you can't ask, and I would feel such panic about what to do because I didn't know things. So never learned how to do things for myself (ie emotionally), and so to be expected to now figure it out by myself is a trigger. We need to learn first, and we need someone to show us how.

I used to beat myself up for not being more organized and not being able to cook (ok, maybe kind of still do), but am realizing that all my energy is taken up by just trying to get through the day. Our brains are in overdrive all the time and that takes mountains of energy. Not surprising there isn't much left for anything else. I am reminded each time I am able to shift/let go of part of the past traumas. The energy that frees up then surprises me every time, but feels really good.

Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on May 23, 2020, 12:42:37 AM
Quotethe irrational things she expected me to automatically know as a child and later too

This is also me. Their expectations left me feeling unsure of myself, constantly, everywhere and in every situation.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 23, 2020, 06:55:33 PM
From reading your responses I got some clarity on what the problem was: M didn't so much expect me to know how to do things (she assumed more that I was too incompetent, dumb, incapable... to manage much) but what she did expect was for me to magically know in advance how what I did or said would make somebody else react (and then I was at fault for the person's reaction - according to M) or that I would magically know in advance how to react in a situation that didn't work out the way it was meant to.

While writing that I was remembering how M tore strips off me (verbally) for buying 2 small packets of something in a store because there was no big packet. We always bought the big packet of something we needed regularly and the store wasn't close by. I must have been about 8 yo. and I simply didn't know what to do. M stayed in the car (no parking spot probably) and I went into the store. She stormed back into the store and returned the second package and got her money back. I know I've mentioned this incident on here before. It made such an impression on me that the next time I was faced with choosing S, M, L packet of some different item when I must have been 13, that I chose L. That was wrong too because I was meant to have known that in that case we needed S. It's as if M was expecting me to see things in the future and/or see into her mind and follow her exact train of thought. Package sizes are different from a dish breaking but the underlying theme is being able to predict something without the necessary knowledge, or something. It's still not quite clear to me emotionally, but the puzzle pieces will fit together soon I think. I'm certainly getting closer to it.

I relate to other aspects of your posts, 3R and Owl but I'm too tired to respond to them now. Just thanks for what you did write, it was really helpful for me. You too notalone.  :hug: :hug: :hug: One each :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Jazzy on May 23, 2020, 08:48:57 PM
Wow Blueberry, that is completely unfair how your M treated you. Of course you can't read minds or predict the future. Your M should have done a much better job at communicating. Holding you responsible for someone else's re/actions seems wrong to me too. I'm angry at your M just reading this! (but not so much as to be unhealthy :) )

It sounds like this is important to you, and you're "getting closer to it", which is great. I hope you work through it and continue to improve.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 24, 2020, 03:37:28 PM
those puzzle pieces sound like they are fitting together really well, blueberry.  i once learned a list of manipulations, and expecting us to know in advance, or telling us we're responsible for other people's actions, reactions, emotions, etc. was one of them.  it was a way for the other person not to take responsibility or be accountable for their own mistakes, actions, emotions, etc,  it's absolutely not right that a parent do that to a child, ever.  i'm mad at your M for doing that to you, and also very sorry and sad for you that you had to go thru it.  it causes so much suffering, confusion, and negative thoughts about ourselves - lots of 'shoulds' in there.

i admire all the progress you're making, my dear, and i think your insight is spot on.  keep up the good work :thumbup:  love and hugs to you :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: owl25 on May 24, 2020, 03:44:33 PM
I'm glad our replies gave you further clarity, always a good thing  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 26, 2020, 09:20:08 PM
I've been doing quite well for a few days in one way: cooking myself a proper meal once a day. For the reasons I laid out above this is huge.

In other ways I'm not doing well. Beyond cooking and eating a proper meal, I just keep eating and eating anything I can find beyond that. I know at least one reason for that which I haven't written about nor have I done any therapy exercises on it - I'm still running away. Well, I will try and write about it now. About a week ago I was caught in a situation where I didn't manage to protect myself and my boundaries adequately and nor was I able to stand up for my Little Furries and their boundaries. They're still alive, no blood involved, but it did get a bit too close. In retrospect this reminded me of the times M didn't stand up for me in my childhood and how that traumatised me. Then I was able to see that in this case it was different.

I am taking responsibility for the incident. During it I DID try to stand up for myself and my Little Furries. I didn't just sit there and allow anything and everything to happen and wring my hands afterwards and say "I didn't dare say anything in case that worsened the situation" the way M used to. The incident was with the friends of a neighbour (shared garden) and the friends' dog. I have since told the neighbour that that dog has to stay out of my part of the garden next time he comes to visit and if the dog can't obey that (which the dog can't) then he has to be on leash the whole time. The neighbour said  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: in support of his friends and to try and make me out to be totally ignorant of Little Furries and dogs (neither is true) and  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: to detract from the topic at hand but I didn't allow myself to be pulled off into a discussion of side topics. I just repeated that the dog has to be kept out of my part of the garden. I will say it again unequivocally if I meet the friends with the dog in the garden again. That is certainly not the way M ever reacted. She sometimes "wished" after the fact that she'd acted differently (if it was an external to FOO thing), but never told me she would actually act differently the next time. And she didn't comfort me in the situation whereas I went directly to Little Furries and talked to them in soothing tones.

Now I'm blank and I'm also realising I haven't had anything to drink since I took my morning medication. Part of the problem today was caused by my needing and wanting to ask a client to pay for some equipment I need for teaching somebody in his company. Normally I'd pay for the equipment myself but for various reasons I'm allowing the client to pay such a super-reduced price, that I'm not willing to fork out for the equipment. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on May 26, 2020, 09:25:01 PM
QuoteI will say it again unequivocally if I meet the friends with the dog in the garden again. That is certainly not the way M ever reacted.

You are breaking the patterns of the past. Good job!!  :cheer: :applause:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: owl25 on May 26, 2020, 09:58:28 PM
Well done on speaking up about the dog and sticking to your guns. That's not easy to do  :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on May 26, 2020, 11:27:33 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on May 26, 2020, 09:20:08 PM
but I didn't allow myself to be pulled off into a discussion of side topics. I just repeated that the dog has to be kept out of my part of the garden. I will say it again unequivocally if I meet the friends with the dog in the garden again.
Well done.

Sad that your mom did not stand up for you.  :'(
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 28, 2020, 02:58:43 PM
26 May 2020: "In other ways I'm not doing well. Beyond cooking and eating a proper meal, I just keep eating and eating anything I can find beyond that. I know at least one reason for that which I haven't written about nor have I done any therapy exercises on it - I'm still running away. "

I wrote that just 2 days ago. In therapy this morning my T had a totally different take on it, in fact one fairly similar to what I hear directed at me on this forum: Try concentrating more on what I do achieve and not seeing myself as a failure when I don't do my therapy exercises immediately. It's fine if I wait a week to do them. The important thing is to keep moving forwards and that is definitely and utterly what I am doing. That's all I can write on that atm but it's important!
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 28, 2020, 03:14:22 PM
Was it really that bad?? It's a common question or refrain on here. I finally asked my T today, though it took me until the final 5 minutes to do so. He said for him as therapist it's not about comparing clients with each other to see whose past was most horrendous but looking at the individual case. And looking at my case he can say that the way my M treated me was way below average in parenting. And that B1's treatment of me was also terrible. Not all elder brother's treat their younger sibling that way. In fact, when I think about it now, B1 didn't normally treat B2 the way he treated me, but FOO always had some reason for that. But no, in fact, my T said it is not normal human behaviour to attack any and every weakness you see in another human being. He didn't say but as I write this I imagine it's not normal human behaviour to attack any weakness you see in your own child or even in someone else's child. Not normal to attack a child at all. But that's what M did and B1 too. And enF? Massively bad in taking responsibility for protecting me from the aggressors in the family. Emotional abuse by omission.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Jazzy on May 29, 2020, 03:12:45 AM
QuoteNot normal to attack a child at all. But that's what M did and B1 too...

Sorry you were attacked Blueberry; this makes me sad. Often times we have a hard time believing it, but it is really bad.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on May 29, 2020, 05:06:27 AM
QuoteThe important thing is to keep moving forwards and that is definitely and utterly what I am doing.

Yes! You are! I think it's often easier to recognise this for other people than it is for ourselves. That's what it's like for me, anyway.

Quotemy T said it is not normal human behaviour to attack any and every weakness you see in another human being. He didn't say but as I write this I imagine it's not normal human behaviour to attack any weakness you see in your own child or even in someone else's child. Not normal to attack a child at all. But that's what M did and B1 too. And enF? Massively bad in taking responsibility for protecting me from the aggressors in the family. Emotional abuse by omission.

Thank you for writing this. It's something that I needed to hear for my own experiences. I'm sorry you were treated so badly. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 29, 2020, 09:50:33 AM
Quote from: Jazzy on May 29, 2020, 03:12:45 AM
QuoteNot normal to attack a child at all. But that's what M did and B1 too...

Sorry you were attacked Blueberry; this makes me sad. Often times we have a hard time believing it, but it is really bad.

Just to be clear: I was attacked by M mostly emotionally, psychologically and verbally for showing weakness, not so much physically. B1 physical too. But still the emotional et al. were attacks. I'm sure I'm not the only person on here who endured that kind of thing. Now my mind is blank. Thank you for posting Jazzy and you too Snowdrop.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on May 31, 2020, 11:19:15 AM
Yesterday when talking to a friend I was trying out loud to find the word for something, came up with the wrong prefix, and so my friend gave me the correct word. I didn't feel bad about it :thumbup: but remembered the kind of remark M would make: "Trying to teach the local language and you can't even speak it yourself" and said that as a quote from her. My friend cringed and I remarked on that being one reason for next to no contact. M did say to me when I was a newly qualified translator: "Call yourself a translator and you can't understand a plain English sentence!" It was her sentence I hadn't understood correctly and was undoubtedly not as plain and as easily understood as she'd made out. I think we were even having an argument about some FOO stuff, so undoubtedly it wasn't very plain at all. I remember that I was able to respond unemotionally at the time. 

I don't feel hurt anymore, well at least atm, it's more I'm gaining emotional detachment and seeing how unpleasant, rude, accusing and downright hurtful M can be. 

I've been having trouble with invoicing recently and at least I have now got as far as talking to one adult student about charging a little more retroactively for the beginning of lockdown time as the lessons involved much more prep time. The student is totally agreeable. I'd been putting off talking about it. My T suggested last time that I put my ICs into Inner Safe Place before discussing with students and then I suggested sending my FOO off behind black, bullet-proof glass, because it's FOO's opinion of me and attitude towards me making it so difficult. This student is totally agreeable to it, I just need to work it out exactly. I emailed the parent of one of my school students but I think they must be on holiday this week, but at least I've set it in motion.

I emailed B1 and SIL1 with Happy Birthday for my nephew. I got a response right away, with an attachment, and thought "How nice, it'll be a photo of my nephew!". No such luck. A photo of B1 with his limbs all bandaged up after a sporting accident. Why would I care? B1 is so clueless. He along with most adults in FOO doesn't care at all about the amount of emotional pain FOO including himself dishes out to me, as was evident last time I met up with all of them, but now he thinks I might care about his accident or want to see a photo of him?? No, sorry. Zero interest. It wasn't a particularly bad accident either but apparently took the focus off nephew's birthday. My nephew is still a child! So this is where I see: Narcs? - it's all about them. I also noticed that B1 is aging visibly and he looks more like M than before  :aaauuugh: Not what I'd wanted to see either. I don't think I'm really triggered though, these are all more cognitive things and confirmation that FOO really is that bad and that horrible, in the main.

Another realisation: my uncle with whom I have a little email contact is not as bad, as narc-like as my parents, brothers and SIL2. Not that I'm comfortable moving onto phone contact with him, but thinking back over the years and also reading what he writes now - he's not so entitled. He was also able to describe how he and his family are dealing with lockdown etc without making snide remarks and going into denial and trying to get me to agree with denial, unlike F who is his brother. He didn't refer to my parents at all in his last email :thumbup: I also know that my uncle and I are on the same side politically about some things going on in his country which affect me, whereas my parents are on the other side despite that making my life difficult in future. My uncle doesn't see the way I do because of my case, however the reasons my parents gave last time I was in their company  :aaauuugh: But also a kind of eye-opener. And my uncle isn't that way.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 01, 2020, 08:37:19 AM
Felt totally exhausted yesterday and today. Maybe that stuff I wrote about is having more effect than I thought. It's a public holiday here but I was teaching this morning anyway and I hardly made it out of bed. There are lots and lots of things I ought to be doing but I just feel so tired.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Deep Blue on June 01, 2020, 12:38:50 PM
Blueberry,
I would be exhausted with the emotional baggage you unloaded too. 

Im appalled by people who say something negative just to hurt others.  Criticism of you being a translator seems like it was only intended to hurt you and I'm sorry for that. 

Hang in there friend, hope you feel more rested today
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 01, 2020, 04:11:33 PM
Deep Blue,
Thank you so much for posting  :hug: You're helping me realise and believe that my exhaustion is once again because of cptsd. Even just thinking about these emotional injuries from the past plus the seemingly small amount of FOO contact I had over past couple of days has wiped me out. So time to accept that for myself. It's normal to be this exhausted with that amount of emotional baggage. Thank you also for your validation. It means a lot. Yup, FOO thinks it's quite OK to go out of their way to hurt other people with things they say. Especially to hurt me. Because I do remember F and B1 telling M off for being rude and hurtful to sales assistants, secretaries and the like but I always got told I had to learn to put up with that kind of thing and/or they queried why I "couldn't take a joke". M actually enjoys hurting people, she has admitted that before.

A few minutes ago I watched a little pre-view clip on EFT where they differentiate between EFT to self-regulate and EFT to process trauma. Well, now I know why EFT exhausts me no end - I use it to process trauma. Often my arms feel so heavy and tired I can hardly lift them to tap my head, even lying down. Or I fall asleep in the middle of doing it. My T says that's good, because it means at least I'm relaxed enough to fall asleep.

I can't imagine how I used to function pre-lockdown, when I had all sorts of things to do that I don't now. Like choir practice and going up to the farm to work, but also an afternoon games group. I suppose some of that gave me energy and the will to keep going too.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 02, 2020, 07:20:02 PM
I was able to allow myself to do what I wanted today, which was lie in bed dozing, reading and doing crossword puzzles till 1pm despite the sunshine outside. In the course of the afternoon and evening I did some beneficial activities like some overdue tidying, rearranging and cleaning. I also phoned a friend I've been intending to phone for a while and I threw out some papers.

Then just before coming on here I did some disinfecting in the stairwell and other shared parts of the building. I'm not doing it often enough, but I simply can't. Cleaning is so exhausting for me. I'm making it easier for myself though by using disposable disinfectant wipes. That rather goes against the grain because I try and live in an environmentally-conscious way. But Idk exactly what goes on when I clean - the cloth and the bucket both get dirty and then it feels as if my hands get infected somehow, as if I can't get rid of the dirt at all. I don't know how to describe it. Recently I even thought of Lady Macbeth who kept seeing blood on her hands and kept trying to clean them. I don't have blood on my hands and I'm not an obsessive cleaner, quite the reverse, but sometimes I feel as if I have ocd the way I react to the dirt on the cloth, in the water, in the bucket, whereever I toss the dirty water... Maybe I'll discuss that with my T on Thursday.

I've felt cold the past few days though in the daytime it's 20°C or hotter in the shade and I haven't felt very safe in the garden, especially not just sitting relaxing in the sun or warm shade. Doing a bit of work is easier. Not sure what's going on there but no doubt it will either pass or make itself clear.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 03, 2020, 02:38:21 PM
Today I stayed in bed really late as well. tomorrow I have therapy again. I know my T will focus on the positives e.g. at least I contacted the two clients I haven't billed yet to see if they would be amenable to paying a little more for Skype  / phone lessons because they involved way more prep in early lockdown than normal face2face lessons.

They both are amenable. Now I 'only' have to do the actual invoicing. I know this is an additional step, another hurdle even. So step by step. Baby steps count. Maybe I'll even have the ability to do so after posting on here? Or at least send the homework witten for another client. Bit by bit. Baby steps.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on June 03, 2020, 06:30:04 PM
Hi Blueberry,
Baby steps definitely count, and  :cheer: for the outcome with your clients. 
:hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on June 04, 2020, 02:18:28 AM
Recently I read an article where they were talking about amygdala hijacking and words helping to bring the front of the brain back online. I thought of you and the crossword puzzles that you do.

It's what Judith Lewis Herman calls the "wordless terror" of trauma.

But the flipside is that if we can get ourselves talking, or focusing on words such as through puzzles like wordsearches or crosswords, or by reading or journaling, we will be coaxing our brain to restore its bloodflow back to Broca's area again. And by doing that, it will start to turn on the front brain as a whole again.


https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/managing-triggers-part-one-why-triggers-are-nothing-to-be-ashamed-of/

Yes, baby steps make a difference.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: owl25 on June 05, 2020, 02:05:32 AM
Sounds like progress, and with practice, it will get easier  :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 06, 2020, 06:31:06 PM
Thank you all for having confidence in me. I don't feel it myself but I suppose the forum is carrying it for me, or something. I just think I should be over all this stuff by now, I've been in healing for so long, have so much therapy etc. But 'should' is never good for me.

I am the only one who can drag me back out of this despondency, depression or whatever it is exactly.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on June 07, 2020, 03:08:44 AM
I just had a long, lovely response to you and my internet went down right at the end! I don't have the mental capacity atm to rethink it all.  Oh well, hang in there is basically what it said.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 07, 2020, 04:35:06 PM
Thank you 3R!

I think it's this idea that it's OK / Or is it OK? to do nothing. I think it was more a question from my T about whether I need to harangue myself about it rather than necessarily a suggestion that I do nothing.

Partly I'm doing more or less nothing because of things I'm putting off like showering and washing hair, which I've been putting off for a long time now. It's just as well I live alone in this pandemic.

There are also those bills I haven't written, the little furries who need some more care other than just being fed, something I need to be able to figure out how to do on my computer. Oh and yes, I desperately need to clean and tidy.  :fallingbricks: It all feels completely unmanageable atm. I wish somebody else would just come and take over. There isn't anybody though. Just something I need to start doing again myself.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on June 07, 2020, 06:38:08 PM
 :hug:  to you Blueberry.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Jazzy on June 08, 2020, 03:13:40 AM
Hope you feel better soon Blueberry. Maybe you can start easy, just do 1 thing, then try to feel good about that accomplishment.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 08, 2020, 07:22:27 PM
Thank you so much for your support, Hope and Jazzy! Very good idea Jazzy. You know, I hadn't even thought of giving myself some praise for getting one thing on that list done :blink: Instead I was pushing myself on to do more and more and more.

Undoubtedly it's an EF. Probably partly brought on by what we were looking at in T last week and partly by contact to FOO before that. We were working on that in T last week too.

I've been back in old behaviour patterns of, well, denying myself things. I hear M's voice saying: if you don't do xy, then you can't do or have z. Although I think that's a fairly normal punishment/reward system when you're bringing up children, it must have been misused in some way for me to be having such strong reactions to it. I do remember though that I'd often relinquish z without even trying xy. That fit well with disappearing and depression and not doing anything which were my go-to modes of surviving. The misuse I suppose was that often M didn't want me to have or do z, so the xy was often a very high hurdle, e.g. if you don't stop crying / if you don't stop reacting to B1 (annoying me, punching me, taking my things uninvited etc.). I suppose doing without z and telling myself it didn't matter anyway (depression is a good shield there) was a way to not feel the pain of being deserted by my parents and left to whatever B1 chose to do with me. So it seems that's part of what I've been back in this week.

What have I done in past 24 hours or so: decided I didn't want to watch any of the AVAIYA sessions I signed up for (self-care not to be pushing myself through them); cleaned out little furries' spacious living quarters, which is important because it's not their fault I was feeling so down and they can't do it themselves; did drink and eat off and on; showered and washed my hair :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: ; went out into garden briefly and moved a tiny herb from the lawn to one of my beds; also picked some grass etc for my pets, albeit slowly and not in any kind of rational manner; dropped by on some other pets I'm looking after for a couple of days, threw out some papers, emptied my paper bin into the communal one (having an empty bin in my apartment is helpful for throwing more things out), sorted out some clothing for the wash (will make doing laundry easier tomorrow). Compared to some other day months ago when the only thing I managed to do was amalgamate all my remnants of toothpaste tubes into one glass jar, I'm not doing too badly.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Jazzy on June 09, 2020, 02:55:24 AM
That's way more than one thing! Good job! :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 09, 2020, 08:37:32 AM
Thank you, Jazzy! Your comment helps me see it all as more of an accomplishment.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 12, 2020, 07:13:54 AM
When I promise to myself here on OOTS that I'm going to do something, or at least try to, it does help me carry through. I've decided I need to pick myself up a bit and take some steps to making things better for myself. During lockdown and semi-lockdown, I've let a good number of things slip and slide. It's time to end that.

My personal hygiene has been lacking, I've been going to bed later and later and then sleeping half the day. I don't have any filing system in my office atm apart from this pile is this student's work and that pile is that student's etc. I've been putting off doing things, some of them as relatively easy as filling out a form for my T and posting it. That kind of thing is actually often on the difficult side for me, but I probably could have done it before today. Even if there were some days in the last 2 weeks where I might have gone crazy internally at the thought.

Partly I just need to go back to: What is the next easiest step that will make me feel better and/or help me move forwards in the here and now? And then start it at least. That's often dish-washing and I have a big stack.

I'm hereby reminding myself of the concept of "contagious healing", meaning one step often gives me the energy and wherewithal to take the next healing step or at least healthy step. Going into the garden may not be a new healing step for me, but at least it's healthier than dropping back on my sofa, zooming around the Internet, over-eating etc. etc. Like in previous paragraph: Start somewhere, but start! I did start yesterday evening but I want to keep it up too because there's an awful lot of backlog.

My other plan this morning was to not write about it all in a self-haranguing way. I certainly don't feel as if I'm haranguing myself. The voice in my head sounds quite gentle.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 12, 2020, 07:14:02 PM
I was on here a couple of hours ago and I was going to update but my ICr got involved with "Come on, you don't need to write this stuff down here! Do it in your paper Journal or congratulate yourself in your head. Stop wasting time  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: "

Now I am going to write here. My ICr voice just above is far different from the voice that was present when I wrote the previous post. Then, the voice was gentle, encouraging. Really good for me today to notice the difference!!

So, ways in which I picked myself up today in random order: (1) I eventually changed out of my lockdown bland, messy, ill-fitting clothes into colourful, colour-coordinated, respectable, well-fitting clothes. This is me moving out of the mindset: it's only me in lockdown, nobody can see me anyway (not quite true), it doesn't matter, I don't matter.
(2) I reminded myself that my anti-deps are actually pro-clarity, pro-efficiency etc i.e. they actually do something for me rather than 'just' taking the depression away, so I took that and also 2 other medications: pro-energy + pro-motivation; pro-routine-building. They're 'real' prescription medications too.
(3) I washed a pile of dishes and hey presto! my kitchen looks much better
(4) I got up this morning when I woke up, even though it was very early.
(5) I put some books away that were lying around on my office floor.
(6) I did 2 loads of laundry and hung it all up in the garden. (My laundry as opposed to laundry for Little Furries is something I got really behind on during lockdown.) Knowing that I made an inroad into that huge, enormous pile of dirty laundry is good. Can't really see a difference on my floor yet, but I know there is one.
(7) I amalgamated some garbages.
(8 ) Started drinking more water and less caffeine.
(9) I had the wherewithal to pick grass etc. for the Little Furries
(10) I spent some time in the garden in the sun and the warmth, which is really beneficial even if I am 'just' picking grass or hanging up laundry or taking a few minutes to see which flowers are about to bloom - all of which I did today. Sometimes my ICr likes to deny me this: "Stop wasting time! Do something useful!  :blahblahblah: "
(11) I reminded myself several times to leave the Internet e.g. don't read news and/or surf around and then I did leave  :cheer: 
(12) I had breakfast, a fairly healthy one too, and even sat down to eat.
(13) I allowed myself a nap in the middle of the day since I had got up so early and slept little last night, but once I got up from my nap, I stayed up instead of lying down again.
(14) There were things I had planned to do and then when I sat down to do them, I realised that it's too early - don't have the wherewithal yet - and I accept this. Rome wasn't built in a day and it takes more than a day to get really back on track once I've slithered off.
And now: to continue along these lines for the rest of the evening, tomorrow and in the following days!

And then after most of this I got over a hurdle of unlocking an audio zip-file I need for my work. It's something I didn't 'dare' to do for over 2 weeks. It's a fear-based thing I'm up against. ICr.: "Don't touch! You'll do it wrong! The computer might explode!" (something might happen out of the blue that I have no control over) ICr.: "or you might delete important functions on the hard drive and then it'll cost tons of money to repair :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: " I see M in my head. So that's useful to know.
Anyway  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: I can hear the audio file and so I can teach with it next lesson!
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on June 12, 2020, 07:29:02 PM
Wow Blueberry, so many things you've accomplished  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on June 13, 2020, 01:09:49 AM
 :cheer: Yay for your many accomplishments. I love that you are speaking to yourself with a gentle voice.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on June 13, 2020, 03:30:40 AM
Well Done Blueberry! :applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 13, 2020, 08:15:29 AM
Thank you all!  :)

It's important for me to note that it's not just the fact that I'm getting things done, but rather that I'm doing things that help me get back on track emotionally. In fact, I was probably in an EF the past week or two. Maybe several EFs overlapping even, with some being worse than others. That would explain me managing to do better for a couple of days and then skittering off the path again.

One thing I didn't manage yesterday was going to bed before midnight. In fact I didn't get into bed till 2am and then I couldn't really sleep so got up again at 5:30 and have done quite a few useful things since. I have also had breakfast and taken 2 out of 3 meds, and am now drinking my tea.

As I wrote further up, my attitude to myself is changing  :cheer: There's a kind, gentle voice in me that can be louder than my ICr. :thumbup: Last T session a few days ago I realised my ICr. was airing its opinion about why I hadn't got back on track earlier or done it on my own without T or something like that and then I realised and said that it wasn't very helpful or beneficial for me to dwell on the fact that I hadn't been able to get back on track earlier. My T agreed, especially since he supposed that I'd heard those particular comments from M kazillions of times already. So I think the change now is partly due to this validation from my T, partly something is undoubtedly healing. Today I'm allowing myself to feel the progress and keep going in the bent rather than giving into a voice (might even be ICr) pointing out all the other places where I'm stuck atm and trying to push me onto working on these issues too. But I do now realise that adding more issues than necessary will just make me super-exhausted, put me back in an EF and make everything worse. Much better to go with the flow of what's changing and healing now instead of piling more and more on my plate due to some inner voice saying (M turns up in my head, so ICr.) you've managed to change x so you should be able to change y, z, p and q as well right now.   :no: :no: ICr. is wrong. Those changes will come when I'm at the right stage in recovery.

Today I did some much needed pet care. I remember a while back it was good progress that I managed to clip one claw on one pet. (Each pet has 14 claws.) Today I managed three claws while I was checking a couple of other things and even giving pain killer and some other medicine. Doing medical care which involves holding a pet still, 'captive', and 'inflicting' my will on the pet especially working with a tool (claw clippers) that could potentially hurt the pet is all very triggering. So 3 claws instead of one is definitely an improvement. Has the improvement developed quickly enough for me to do the necessary care regularly and fairly stress-free for me and pets? No not really, unfortunately. Potentially opening another can of worms. EFT would be good but in the past couple of days I've felt to exhausted to even do EFT.

My T said something really helpful about the exhaustion: it's not that e.g. cleaning makes me so exhausted, it's the voices and emotions and whatever other burdens that I'm carrying on account of the trauma that make things like cleaning so exhausting. Even though that's probably just another way of saying: "Ms. Blueberry, you're falling back into EFs when you feel that exhausted", somehow the way he explained it helped me understand on another level, deeper, and more with my emotions instead of only with my intellect. Grasping it more with my emotions is helping me accept that for the moment that's the way it is.  :thumbup: :thumbup: for acceptance.

I had planned to shower and wash my hair this morning - another exhaustion case (!) - but I think I'll give that a miss and just do a quick wash. What my T has been showing me recently, and then practising with me, is creating barriers to FOO in my imagination, so not just on a screen the size of a postage stamp, but also behind dark, bullet-proof glass, if need be with chains to prevent them climbing out of the screen and interfering with me again. My T said the time will come when I'll feel able to do this exercise at home in order to sweep FOO and all their interfering, disparaging comments about and to me away, every time I need it e.g. before I shower and/or wash hair, clip the pets' claws, send a price estimate to a client and 101 other problematic situations.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on June 13, 2020, 09:18:24 AM
QuoteThere's a kind, gentle voice in me that can be louder than my ICr.

This sounds like real progress, Blueberry :yes:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 14, 2020, 11:30:26 AM
Thank you Snowdrop, it is!  :hug:

Today I've done quite a bit of cleaning and some tidying beforehand and I feel both better for having done it and simply better because parts of my apartment are clean and tidy again. I also feel empowered in a way. But also tired afterwards. That's nothing new. I used to feel tired way earlier though. So it's definitely a good sign that I can clean for a longer time in one go.

Last night I went to bed when I was tired which was 9:30pm  :thumbup: :applause: and after doing a little EFT (I accept and forgive myself, full stop, no reason!), I started yawning and fell asleep and I slept till 8am and got up after reading a little in one of Pete Walker's books. That's a big improvement on going to bed at 2am, not being able to fall asleep and then not getting out of bed till noon or later. I also took all my meds this morning and had a healthy breakfast, and I did some pet care too. I went into the garden and did a little stacking of garden furniture, plus a little weeding, and watering since I de-mossed and re-seeded part of my lawn yesterday. I plan to do some professional work later today but also go over to a friend's place and use her bath before she returns this evening. Not having my own bathtub or even a nice cosy bathroom, it's really nice to have this kind of arrangement :) , me and another friend of hers :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on June 14, 2020, 01:02:27 PM
 :cheer: :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 14, 2020, 10:44:20 PM
Thanks 3R  :hug:

I won't be going to bed before midnight tonight because it's now 8 minutes past. However otherwise lots of good stuff today since my last post. I have a translation due on Wednesday, first one this year, and I started it this evening. In particular, I've done all the set-up and got a bunch of formatting done which is something I don't like doing because I find it time-consuming and finickity. This way I'm set to really move on terminology and more translation tomorrow and probably even more important, I'm not dreading it. That will help me get out of bed Monday morning.  :)

It's a bit chilly this evening so I bothered to go and get some warmer clothes (keeping warm is really important for me but also an item of self-care that I sometimes have to push myself to do and/or I don't notice I'm cold till I'm really cold). I also lit a couple of candles since they create a bit of warmth and I like to see them burning.

I got a letter a couple of days ago from my landlord to notify me that I'm paying too little rent on both my apartment and my office. In the case of my apartment it's true and it's also a very small amount - last time there was a slight increase due to an increase in the house water charge, I seemed to have either completely forgotten to change the amount at my bank or I possibly increased it by the wrong amount, which unfortunately happens easily to me if I'm in a medium level EF for a week or two. So I'm going to deal with that tomorrow. In the case of my office though it's because my previous ll agreed to reduce the rent for me but didn't amend my contract. I'm going to ask previous ll to write a confirmation that he did in fact do that so present ll knows there is a reason behind the 'too little rent' I've been sending. It's likely that current ll will want to increase my office rent back to the original, but I decided today that I'm going to say something along the lines of "Great. Can you invest some money now too please? I need better insulated windows!" I might be a bit more tactful with the exact expression... ll also wants the back-payments till February 2019 which is when he bought our building. I'm going to 'discuss' that because it's not my fault he has taken till now to check on this! I feel empowered and strong while thinking this last item, even though I also have a nervous feeling in my lower gut. Still, it's progress in standing up for myself and in planning to try and get a compromise at least on my office payment instead of lying down and just taking it. I'm also reminding myself that it's possible he won't put the rent back up after all. There are quite a lot of empty office buildings in my part of town and vacancies are likely to increase in the next few months, so he should be glad to have a tenant at all!

Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on June 14, 2020, 10:51:55 PM
I applaud the way you have been treating yourself with grace and kindness.  :applause:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on June 15, 2020, 03:50:08 AM
I join Notalone in applauding you. Well done. :applause:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 16, 2020, 10:56:35 AM
Thank you notalone and Snowdrop! :hug:
My progress continues. I'm having trouble getting going again on my translation. I caught myself thinking about how I'm "wasting time instead of getting on with it" and immediately reminded myself that as I'm not getting on with it there will be a reason for me to look into. I'm putting off because  ??? (probably some emotions I don't want to feel or ICr on translation skills I don't want to hear etc). The results of cptsd are what they are. It doesn't help to harangue myself with "time-wasting".
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 16, 2020, 10:24:20 PM
Still having a lot of trouble. In fact I was sitting reading comments on the Internet for a couple of hours while pulling my hair out - SH. Till I realised what I was doing and stopped. Pulling my hair out calms me and then suddenly I realise :doh: :doh: :doh: "What on earth are you doing??  :aaauuugh:"
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 17, 2020, 11:03:54 AM
I'm somewhat calmer today. Though I'm working under time pressure, as usual with translations. Oops that latter part is in rather an ICr. voice.

Today I realised suddenly that the way I translate not being sentence by sentence the way you might expect but a bit here, a bit there with all sorts of question marks to myself and then all of a sudden it's as if those branches clogging up the stream break free and I have the solutions. Then the branches clog up again..., some break free, solutions again etc. It's interesting that it's the same mental image I have for when things get stuck in general in day-to-day life with the only difference being that there is more energy piled up behind the branches and released in a big whoosh when I'm translating.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 17, 2020, 04:14:53 PM
I finished!  :fireworks: It's so huge for me to make it through this contract that I really feel like fireworks is not an exaggeration. That really tells me how difficult and strenuous is for me. Today though I feel as if some of it went a trifle easier than normal. I was thinking about it during a break a couple of hours ago: somebody who doesn't understand cptsd especially my particular 'brand' of it might assume I'd been practising translation or Idk working on my reading comp. skills in one language and written skills in the other, but that's not the case at all. Those skills got lost somewhere in some part of my brain and I suppose there's been a little healing going on in that brain injury so that I can access a little of what I haven't been able to access for a long time. And/or learnt the skills for in my studies but could never apply them. I'm not sure how I finished my second university degree because I struggled all the way through with fuzzy brain and empty head and severe depression, although I was a lot happier than I had been in the years before (was finally in a totally different country from FOO with much less contact). Anyway not much of what I studied made a lasting impression and I wasn't able to apply much of it to my profession.

3R always reminds me, just by being here on the board that cptsd is an injury not an illness: thanks 3R :thumbup: :hug:  So today that suddenly made much more sense. I drowned out my ICr. reminding myself that most people (except some real negative narcs like some mbrs of my FOO) wouldn't cast disparaging remarks on somebody healing from a 'normal' traumatic brain injury. As far as I understand it, we with cptsd all also have a traumatic brain injury, only it was often caused 'only' by any form of abuse/neglect including emotional, verbal and psychological rather than a physical injury to the skull. So I'm healing bit by bit from my TBI. But it is really strenuous.

I don't feel like  :zzz: :zzz: more like :boogie: :party: which I could maybe do for 5 mins., then I really need to do some other work and then call it a day.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on June 17, 2020, 04:21:34 PM
Hooray! Hooray! Well done Blueberry!
:fireworks: :fireworks:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on June 17, 2020, 06:48:19 PM
 :fireworks: :party: :fireworks: :yourock:
Well done Blueberry!!!!
Great news.   :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 18, 2020, 06:54:47 AM
Thank you! :) Though now when I see your fireworks I feel a little embarrassed but that's probably due to ICr.

Today I feel tired and a little sick though the latter might be to do with something I ate.   :sunny: :sunny: today so that's nice.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on June 18, 2020, 03:27:06 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I was just thinking about how annoying ICr's can be!!!  I was thinking, good for Blueberry that she's celebrating with fireworks and dancing, and I have to admit, that I enjoyed using those fireworks etc, and was glad of the excuse to do that - alongside you. 

Glad it's sunny today with you.   :sunny: :sunny:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 19, 2020, 08:58:31 AM
Have some  :fireworks: :fireworks: for your response, Hope  :hug:

Yes, those ICr's are definitely annoying but mine is also definitely getting smaller and quieter  :thumbup: :applause:

Yesterday I had therapy and my T agreed about how much progress I'm making so  :fireworks: are certainly called for!
I hope to write more about that particular progress later.

_________________________
Over the past 2 weeks or so it has slowly become apparent that some person is using my address and last name fraudulently for selling goods via ebay. The people pay and the goods don't turn up. This reminds me of a time about 20 years ago when I was being stalked by a strange man, I mean he was a stranger to me, though he was also definitely strange. My T agreed that I should go to the police and report it, as I did the stalking.

There are as usual a number of things I intended to do today other than going to the police that is, but it really feels as if going to the police is enough, as in the only strenuous thing of that type I can do. I'm teaching this evening and that I will manage. "That type" - what is that type? It is probably anything that will be or I think might be triggering: finally showering and washing my hair, phoning my accountant re: when is my tax return from 2018 going to be completed? I need to drop by and look through my bank statements because of ll querying the rent payments for my business and setting deadline of June 30th for me sorting it all out. There are a number of steps for me to complete by then, all potentially triggering, but this is the first. 

Even phoning to borrow the cargo bike so I can go and get the really good quality hay for Little Furries seems too much, even tho one of Little Furries needs to eat lots of hay, which she'll do if it's good quality because it smells so delectable and is less like glorified straw, easier on her little mouth. Idk why that would be triggering - oh, yes I do now as M appears in my mind...

Oh yes, now I know what else I'm signed up for today: a webinar on some aspect of teaching. This is huge for me because (1) I've never taken part in a webinar before (2) the other members of the course or at least instructor might see me and I feel like hiding, especially so if I haven't washed my hair by then and am still wearing a cloth on my head, which makes people say 'pirate!', so probably looks a little ridiculous on somebody my age (3) my hair and general appearance is triggering for me anyway - thanks so much FOO, not - (4) taking part in a webinar for the first time involves all sorts of steps on my computer and that's always very difficult for me. Tho to be encouraging to myself, I at least manage one-on-one no problem e.g. when teaching via Skype or when having my T appointments via some medical video-conferencing system, all of which is new for me and none of which I did before the advent of Covid19 and social distancing.

Yes, so no wonder everything feels like too much! What's the next easiest beneficial action I could take? (1) Make and drink my tea because fluid intake helps brain. (2) Go into garden and pick greens for Little Furries because they need breakfast and because being outside in the fresh air where all my flowers and herbs are helps with my day-to-day resilience in various ways.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 19, 2020, 08:21:27 PM
What's the next easiest beneficial action I could take? (1) Make and drink my tea because fluid intake helps brain. (2) Go into garden and pick greens for Little Furries because they need breakfast and because being outside in the fresh air where all my flowers and herbs are helps with my day-to-day resilience in various ways.

I did (2) and (1) in that order. And then I got on with my day. Mostly extended bout of pet care + washing dishes, putting dry laundry away and some other tidying and cleaning. I tried to do the webinar but something went wrong with getting access. I didn't give up right away. Instead I emailed and actually got further instructions right away. Didn't pan out though and my head got all foggy so I backed out due to 'exhaustion', being easier to understand than due to EF. Earlier in the day I decided to give both the police and my tax accountant a miss till Monday. Contacting either or both today would've been on account of "should", so I decided they could wait. I did teach this evening though.

I remembered in the past not being able to do anything after translation jobs apart from :zzz: :zzz: in bed or on sofa whereas today certain things seemed too difficult, but I was able to get on with some other things, so that in itself is progress. I even sent out an invoice yesterday :applause: Sometimes it takes me ages to do that.

Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on June 19, 2020, 08:35:33 PM
I'm so pleased you can see the progress you're making. :applause:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on June 19, 2020, 09:36:09 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on June 17, 2020, 04:14:53 PM
I finished!  :fireworks:

I'm a little late, but I join in celebrating you and your accomplishment and growth.

:party:                      :fireworks:                       :waveline:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 21, 2020, 06:44:39 AM
Thank you, Snowdrop and notalone!  :hug: :hug: I've got used to seeing the fireworks now and am accepting them as not being embarrassing or OTT. But I still feel happy when I see them. I am smiling now at the thought of them.

My T said the change with my translating is a big step. Some of that I do feel. I've gone from a felt-thought of "I can't do anything" to "I'm competent and I make good decisions" and so it's much easier for me to do translation work. Not really, really easy, but easier. And again as I've always known, really, my struggles with translation and putting off getting started or continuing has nothing to do with lack of knowledge, experience or ability. Let's see if I can write out what my T said, something like: in part of my brain it's as if a switch has flicked from  "I'm useless" to "I'm competent". The switch may not necessarily be permanent (those EFs....) but it still is a form of healing and in my case a pretty huge one. I think also that in the part of my brain where the translations are done there has been some healing too or maybe suddenly some synapses in there have opened up to the growing area of "I'm competent".

My T also said there is such a thing as a combination thought-feeling or feeling-thought. I suppose it was cognitive-behavioural therapy I used to do saying to myself in various therapeutic contexts "I'm capable" etc and it didn't really make much difference. Well, yeah, because there had to be some change at a far deeper level. Now nobody has to put the words "I'm competent" in my mouth. I know them automatically, almost as if they've always been there, just covered in layers of stuff - hurt, pain, fear, ICr.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on June 21, 2020, 04:59:32 PM
QuoteNow nobody has to put the words "I'm competent" in my mouth. I know them automatically....
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 22, 2020, 07:35:57 PM
Oh dear, when I see it written like that it seems a bit brazen, but I know that on here of all places I'll continue to receive support and understanding even when I drop back into EFs and have no connnection whatsoever to that feeling and thought of: I'm competent. On here I don't have to look as if I'm competent and perfect all the time.

Part of me really feels happy tonight: I've just been teaching and it went well, I got quite a few bits and pieces done today and also the huge thing of finally going over to a friend's to have a bath and wash my hair  :cheer: I'm sure that makes me feel better. I also finally did get out of bed permanently around 1pm, though it was difficult. I was up at 3am and then 6am checking on one of the Little Furries to make sure he was eating since he hadn't wanted to on Sun evening, and then went back to bed both times. I got up again round about 9:30, had all my meds, made and drank tea and had my breakfast (so that's all good and makes me feel happy when I think of it), but went back to bed. I slept as well, so I presume I needed it. Maybe it was because I hardly slept Sunday because I didn't seem to need sleep. But: new thought - maybe it was because I read an email from M last night, even though the subject line indicated that it wasn't urgent.

Not maybe, probably giving her rent-free space in my head and heart and soul made it so difficult to stay up this morning. Part of me is feeling ashamed, embarrassed. I'm yawning now which means something is going on internally and I've probably got the answer i.e. the rent-free space is the reason I couldn't stay out of bed.

I notice I'm having trouble putting paragraph breaks in the right spaces. It seems to me the following sentence always has something to do with the previous one. Well, that's the way it is. It's also not a huge deal, not a crime or a sin so long as I split my text up a bit.

Anyway part of me feels ashamed and embarrassed and there is a kind of sinking but also sick feeling in my lower gut. I "ought" to know by now not to contact FOO. Even when I read some missive of theirs, I'm opening myself to some input from them, I'm laying myself open to possible attack. This time I'm holding back the answer I'd really like to give which is: "Instead of thinking and talking about me  with each other, I'd much prefer you answered my questions!!" Even my parents writing that they think and talk about me, makes me angry because it is meant to mean 'We care about you' but then considering all the other stuff they've been saying and then 'forgetting' and confusing :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: since December 2019, they don't really care about me at all. So it feels as if I fell for their tricks again and I feel ashamed of and embarrassed about that. As in, when am I going to learn?? Though that's ICr. speaking.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 23, 2020, 09:39:34 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on June 19, 2020, 08:58:31 AM
There are as usual a number of things I intended to do today other than going to the police that is, but it really feels as if going to the police is enough, as in the only strenuous thing of that type I can do. .. "That type" - what is that type? It is probably anything that will be or I think might be triggering: finally showering and washing my hair, phoning my accountant re: when is my tax return from 2018 going to be completed? I need to drop by and look through my bank statements because of ll querying the rent payments for my business and setting deadline of June 30th for me sorting it all out. There are a number of steps for me to complete by then, all potentially triggering, but this is the first. 
Sometimes it pays to procrastinate! The accountant phoned this morning about tax return 2018 and especially about the drop in rent, so I was able to ask her as of which month exactly the reduction took place. Less than an hour later, I saw my old ll outside the building and was able to ask him for some written proof for new ll, from Sept. 2018. I needed the exact month so old ll wouldn't have to go rummaging through a bunch of papers. So, two things dealt with already. I feel good (for want of a better word) - relieved, elated - rather than stressed and exhausted.

My old ll added that ke knows new ll and is going to tell him to stop hassling and making difficulties. Actually he used a mild expletive about what new ll is to stop doing, but I can't repeat that here! I realise now that I feel elated because somebody is actually on my side about this, although he doesn't have to be! He's not my ll anymore. However he is the employer of another tenant in my building and I know that new ll was making a real hassle for this other tenant. So it will be great if a fellow business man in the town who is also a ll himself says to new ll: "For heaven's sake stop being a #§!&!! Just stop making difficulties for the tenants!"

I'm so elated about this because FOO was seldom on my side, in fact more than anything, they ganged up on me.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 19, 2020, 08:58:31 AM
What's the next easiest beneficial action I could take?

This time, I've already started taking easy-ish beneficial actions: I'm up and dressed, I've had all my pre-breakfast meds, I've chatted to the Little Furries and then given them some food, I've walked back and forth in my apartment while attending to things. Walking from room to room and back again seems to get me in motion in a figurative as well as literal sense and also helps me 'sort things' in my head or maybe emotions, I'm not sure. I've also put a load of laundry in the machine and set it going and been down into the garden to empty my kitchen compost and bring some stuff in off the line.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on June 23, 2020, 02:14:51 PM
Yay for allies!
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on June 23, 2020, 02:40:53 PM
Hi Blueberry,
This is really great - I am glad that you feel good - relieved and elated - rather than stressed and exhausted. 
I agree with Three Roses - yay for allies.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 24, 2020, 05:04:57 PM
Thank you Hope and 3R  :) :) So that's what they're called - allies? I've seen that word on here and wasn't really sure what it meant. Now I know.

I'm continuing to feel good, with energy bubbling up. Sometimes it feels a bit too much and I don't know what to do with it for a moment or two but usually I can then feel what to do next. It's mostly just keeping going with this and that, no huge plans. Yesterday evening I was quite tired and ate a bunch of cheese, which was not the best plan. But today I don't have any cravings - so far. Learning from yesterday would tell me not to continue doing stuff in the late evening if I'm feeling tired. Really - take a break. Now I'm going to turn off the computer and go into the garden.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on June 24, 2020, 06:32:41 PM
 :hug: enjoy your garden blueberry, in glad your making steps forward. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 25, 2020, 10:34:25 AM
Thank you Tee! I do enjoy my garden :)
___________________

Today a new student came and I was pleasantly surprised because I know she's traumatised (though now removed from the situation and the abuser) and has bouts of SH but she looked much different from what I was imagining! My imagined picture of her undoubtedly based on myself at that age: small-seeming, shrinking into the wall, tense, sad, visibly lacking in self-confidence, maybe even grumpy/scowling (hiding the pain)... But she isn't like that at least on what I presume is a good day. I feel some relief both for me and her. She looks like a normal girl in her mid-teens.

In a way that brings back to me how desperately unhappy I was through most of my childhood and teens into my early 20's. I almost always looked stressed, unhappy, nervous. Even in years where I lived in a country other than the country where things were particularly bad. I have been told that children/teens often show via their behaviour rather than their looks and general air that something's amiss. With adults I think you can often see in their eyes. Well, when I was a child and especially a teen anybody who wanted to see it, could see it. Even FOO saw it but they couldn't? / didn't want to? see it for what it was. Potential employers (for student summer jobs) could see it - they knew something was wrong. Made getting jobs almost impossible. On the upside, it helps me believe that, yes, my childhood including teen years really was that bad! Even on better days, I looked in a shockingly bad state. I remember once momentarily catching a glimpse of myself reflected in a train window on what I thought was a good day. I looked haunted.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on June 25, 2020, 02:29:30 PM
 :hug: I'm glad the student is doing better than you thought.
I'm sorry no one was there for you the way you are there for your  student. You are changing lives both here and in person that is amazing how you can use your hurt to help others. I know there are times it is hard to continue moving forward but I think you are amazing blueberry I'm here giving you a big hug of understanding and encouragement :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on June 26, 2020, 07:55:12 PM
 :yeahthat:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 27, 2020, 02:17:37 PM
Thank you Tee and Snowdrop so much! It's been hard for me to read your posts, but in a good way. I even dissociate ever so slightly to re-read my own post above. Thank you Tee for so much encouragement and understanding. You're right, I do help others, I've been helping students for years, helping them like the subject again or at least not be afraid of it, helping them find new ways to learn, helping them with self-confidence.

When I first read your post, Tee, I wanted to write that there were people there for me, occasionally at least. But then that made me think what kind of terrible state I would have ended up in if absolutely nobody had been there for me. My thought that there were in fact people there for me is an automatic downplaying thought, like "oh, it wasn't that bad". The kind of idea FOO fed me for years.

It's hard to believe I might appear amazing to some people, but at least my ICr is no longer so rampantly against anybody saying that. M was very against anybody saying anything good about me, but a further step going on in my healing since last T appointment is that I'm not listening so much to her voice any more. Her voice has got quieter too.

Tee, your post also helped me to think back to the little girl I was, and then the teenager and young adult and look at her with more empathy and understanding, at least for a moment. It's often hard for me to look back at myself the way I was without my ICr getting going and/or without me slightly dissociating. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on June 27, 2020, 02:30:27 PM
 :hug: big steps blueberry thank you for sharing. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 27, 2020, 02:32:27 PM
Starting a new post. One piece of progress today is to notice that I'm slipping downwards slightly and I'm thinking more of other people than of myself. That happens when I'm not well grounded.
Slipping downwards: doing various fairly small tasks feels strenuous, especially professional work. Also I did intend to go up to the farm today and do some work in the vegetable plot but the distance from my house to the farm seems unmanageably far. I remember that's often the case when I'm not well grounded and/or when a younger Blueberry has taken over. It seems very difficult to phone or email the farm and say I'm not coming after all. It seems like I'm letting them down, whereas as a matter of fact I'm looking after me as a priority.

I have a headache and I've gone back to bed a couple of times so far today. I probably really do / did need my sleep. These are often signs of something coming up.

At least I have had a think about next easiest beneficial activity and did some before, e.g. wandering about in my own garden doing a bit of weeding or cutting back here and there. Also fed and then sat and watched my Little Furries.

I also massaged my head and did a little tapping without thinking or saying anything. I yawned like crazy anyway.

I'm also considering that my prices are possibly too low for the teaching work I do, especially teaching adults. Particularly the one young woman who is still on a school student rate though she no longer goes to school. I could up her price a bit in August or September.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 27, 2020, 02:33:14 PM
Thank you Tee  :hug: :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on June 27, 2020, 02:56:44 PM
 :hug: take care of you blueberry enjoy your day  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 28, 2020, 01:29:33 PM
Thank you for the reminder to take care of me and enjoy my day, Tee. I have at least been taking care of me by not going to the farm. I've also done some Little Furry care and I enjoy my time with them. That reminds me: yesterday I was cleaning out their living-quarters. I've been trying them out on cloths instead of the more typical newspaper and shavings. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. So anyway yesterday for the second time I noticed a good, almost loving feeling when I was tucking part of an old cloth under itself and smoothing it down. It was almost as if it flashed me back but in a good way to smoothing sheets and blankets on my own bed or maybe somebody else's bed probably when I was little and somebody - maybe a grandmother - was showing me how to make a bed properly. My own bed is almost always a rat's nest. I mostly feel too exhausted to make it properly. There will be something behind that.

I got my 2018 tax stuff back from the accountant. Both my turnover and my profit went down from 2017, not by much. But I had been hoping they'd gone up a little. I have to be careful here and not use 'should' or anything like that, but I'm thinking the time has come to spend a little more time and effort on business matters and less on freetime stuff like singing in the choir. I'm not doing any of the latter atm anyway because of Covid. Our choir has started up again, with only 4 members singing and very far apart but I've declined to go so far because I'm worried about catching the virus. When you sing, the droplets fly much further... Also I like to sing but I can't really so as one of only four singers I would feel emotionally very vulnerable to all sorts of ICr voices (B1 and M for a start) but also to possible criticisers in the present.

There are things I've done in my freetime to keep me psychologically afloat more or less. Time to reduce some of these, especially the ones that are more 'work' than anything else because some of them are also about showing that  I'm pulling my weight, to mitigate what FOO said I wasn't doing enough of. Some things I have already reduced massively, partly because I realised the other people were stressing me e.g. by making passive-aggressive remarks. I still see or phone some of them, but individually. The passive-aggressiveness has stopped.

Even things like cycling advocacy which I've been doing on and off for years - even that. In some ways it gives me energy but it's an old thing I think. Fighting for a cause other than for myself and my wellbeing was quite OK for FOO. Oftentimes it's kind of like fighting a losing battle though. Or at least too much energy expended for too little result. Indirectly it helps my wellbeing. But that's not enough for me to be putting energy and even creativity into it because I need both for me in my private life and for my business. I'm reminding myself now that it is great that more energy is opening up and that I feel more capability to expend that on myself and on my paying clients.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 28, 2020, 01:32:42 PM
P.S. I felt a little guilty and sad while writing parts of the above because I, no actually my ICr, was thinking "I should've realised all this earlier". But no, ICr! That is wrong!! I realise this kind of thing as I take a step forward in healing and am able to handle this kind of truth emotionally and as I am beginning to be able to go through with it.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 29, 2020, 12:02:21 PM
I feel as if I've come to a full stop again. Though I read James' post earlier and wanted to respond with something like 'our steps go forward and sometimes go backwards, but then they go forwards again'. So that will be the same with me.

I'm having difficulty carrying through with things today. Thinking I 'should' be putting more energy in my business doesn't seem to be working. Instead it's making me feel under pressure so I then do nothing much - personal or business. This morning I mowed a big part of the lawn. Left the remains for somebody else though. I did get changed out of my gardening clothes into something a bit more colourful and respectable but haven't gone further than that. It is a step though. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on June 29, 2020, 01:44:10 PM
steps matter.  :applause: for each step.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 29, 2020, 08:02:21 PM
Thank you for the reminder notalone. It's like: Baby steps count. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on June 29, 2020, 08:25:10 PM
 :hug: I like bright colors they make me smile. Every step matters. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on June 30, 2020, 03:43:29 PM
Thank you Tee. I put a colourful skirt on today instead of the usual fairly unfeminine clothing I've been wearing the past while. It's another step.

Last night I wrote out a whole lot of small tasks I could be doing business-wise. These are either things that need to be done, like 2019 taxes or things that might help me a little with 2020 taxes or - even better - things that might help me earn a little more money by getting a pre-Covid student or two back. But then I just stayed in bed all morning instead of getting up to do any of that.

At least I did manage to teach today and got a few books for exam prep out of the library. All these small steps count. Now I'm going to tackle some of the things from this morning's list.

Before I do though - I see and read how many on these boards are going through rough patches atm and I know that I'm not in such a bad spot anymore. I'm grateful for that. I don't even think Corona is so difficult for me atm.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on June 30, 2020, 04:08:52 PM
 :hug: hugs great steps
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 01, 2020, 10:56:20 AM
Once again thank you Tee for your validation  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on June 30, 2020, 03:43:29 PM
Last night I wrote out a whole lot of small tasks I could be doing business-wise. These are either things that need to be done, like 2019 taxes or things that might help me a little with 2020 taxes or - even better - things that might help me earn a little more money by getting a pre-Covid student or two back.

This list helped both yesterday and today, especially the things that might bring a few clients back. My teaching was pretty scatter-brained yesterday. This afternoon I'll do a few things which will help me to be better prepared tomorrow and next week.

Other than business stuff, I have been doing a few bits and pieces, mainly throwing odd things out like papers. I also put a box of give-away stuff outside my office and it was all gone in 2 hours. I prefer giving away to throwing away.

Yesterday I signed up for another free online trauma conference, but noticed I couldn't be bothered looking at most of the videos. There was just one where I looked at maybe half of it. For me it's a good sign.

I noticed a few days ago that I've been undercharging my adult students who do 60 minute lessons, by €1 and a few cents. Maybe I originally decided on that as a discount for somebody doing 60 minutes instead of 45? Anyway, no discounts for that any more :no:  I need my money and I put a lot of work and preparation time into my lessons, so I'm raising those prices by €1! It's taken me a few days to really decide that, really it's a case of daring to do it, even though both adults with 60 minute lessons have said my prices are very reasonable. I have a nervous feeling in my gut, which I don't want to work on though it would be useful. Oh well, T appointment tomorrow.

A few days ago was B1's birthday. I noticed for the first time (I think) that it was a bit disturbing. M turned up in my mind ranting on about him being hurt and disappointed that I hadn't contacted him. That is past stuff.

I've started doing a new healing gesture/move. My hands tend to curl inwards when I'm walking along. You could say into very loose fists and I run my thumb along the finger nails. I know it's a very old habit, probably from childhood even, as well as a sign of nervousness. I've started splaying and then stretching my fingers, which makes me yawn. My T actually suggested stretching and taking up more space when I want to curl up in a ball and/or go back to bed at inappropriate times of day. So I'm applying that to my hands as well. I used to say the trauma is stuck in my hands. I'm sure it's still partly there.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on July 01, 2020, 12:37:35 PM
  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 04, 2020, 03:29:21 PM
blueberry, it sounds like you're making some wonderful, pos. progress for yourself.  cleaning house, tossing irrelevant stuff, noticing old patterns and behaviors - the hand realization sounds huge to me.  i'm so happy for you.  i hope it's making a pos. difference in getting past your past, dealing with the present, and moving forward into a bright, new future.  yay, you!   :yes:

keep going - so proud of you, if it's my place to say that.  you are warming my heart.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 05, 2020, 09:53:09 PM
There's so much going on in me atm that I've sort of slumped again. There are things I know I could be doing, such as EFT  or going down into the garden/cleaning anywhere in my apartment/doing a little toss-out in this or that small box, but I went into semi-hibernation instead. I suppose there are 2 or 3 main topics atm.

I feel all at sea about what I think and want re: coronavirus e.g. It comes down to boundaries I think. I need to set them, but I haven't been doing that so well recently. Some people say to me "Shall I put my mask on?" and I mumble indistinctly instead of saying "Yes please!" I think to myself "Why do you ask?? Why don't you just put it on the way you're meant to??" The less other people wear them and the more people do away with the 1.5 m distancing, the more of an effort it is for me to maintain my own distance. There's definitely something EF-y going on for me. It's sort of: I feel I should just give up and conform, instead of rebelling. "Should" is never good for me though and since when is looking after yourself and your health rebelling? In my FOO. Oh well, there we have it in a nutshell.

Then a friend who earns more money than she needs (she says this herself) was planning to give me a set amount per month, but we're now fixing this as a contract and although that 'should' be straightforward, it isn't for me emotionally. I'm thinking things like "Don't you trust me??". Well, she isn't putting any pressure on me, so I certainly have time to let this one sit for a few days.

Upping my prices. That does make me frightened, nervous, insecure. otoh I don't want to go back on it now either.
I could be doing EFT on some or all of these topics, but haven't done so, so far. I watched and took notes on two of the sessions on the June 29th till July 5th Trauma Conference. One was all about Tapping, of which EFT is a type apparently. The other was about healing the disconnect between the amygdala and the pre-frontal cortex, and also about how the disconnect affects us. It was interesting and made a lot of sense. Unfortunately instead of getting on with anything I might have had impulses to do, I went into hibernation today. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 06, 2020, 05:34:13 AM
maybe, with all this stuff swirling around you, you needed some hibernation.  i think you listened to your system, which is not a bad thing, to my mind. 

i'm a mask wearer, and so is my d.  what other people do is up to them, i guess.  it's like using condoms or seatbelts - all the info says they make everything safer, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to do it.  taking care of ourselves is a good thing, and i don't think it's a rebellion thing.  people have their own reasons for what they do or don't do - like anything else, it's personal.  may i encourage you to say 'yes, please' next time someone asks you that question?  if you're comfortable with doing that.

love and hugs, blueberry   :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 06, 2020, 06:27:36 AM
Thanks san for reminding me that I probably needed my hibernation :hug: You're reminding me to not be too harsh on myself and to look to the positive of what I'm doing, not to immediately condemn myself. Thank you so much.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 07, 2020, 02:48:30 PM
So I suppose I need my hibernation today too? Though I actually do feel better when I get my act together. But this morning, I had so much planned that is to say two things that are difficult that I simply did not get up and stay up. Always went back to bed again. Of two afternoon students, one was a no-show which made things easier.

I just feel so unmotivated. Well, I am meant to be observing my behaviour after deciding to put my prices up and even mentioning that to two current adult students. My impulse is to run away and/or immediately suggest I back down on those new prices. Even though my two students haven't so far said "No way" or anything. Another impulse is to buy and eat a medium-sized tub of ice cream. Not really useful and certainly not figure-enhancing. But I did say I'd drop by on a friend's and collect a few things from her e.g. a small handsaw for some garden work I want to do.

Yesterday I finally moved forward on my office advertising. That's difficult too though.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 07, 2020, 02:56:35 PM
honestly, blueberry, this business stuff, especially raising prices, is hard work.  i know from working w/ my d on this stuff - getting her to raise prices for her editing work, etc. - that to give yourself what you're worth monetarily can be difficult.  we've believed for so long that we aren't worth much, so to announce to the world that we are worth more than before is a big jump mentally and emotionally.  in effect, we're telling the world that we are recognizing our worth and expecting them to recognize it as well. 

that kind of recognition, to my mind, is huge.  it can be draining to implement it and make it real.  i'm proud of you for doing what you're doing, for recognizing your worth.  you so deserve it!  well done!   :thumbup:

sending love and a hug filled w/ recognition. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 07, 2020, 08:46:32 PM
Thanks for telling me it's hard work. Really. I'm being serious. It's good to hear from someone else that it just isn't easy. That explains my reactions all week. Today I remembered to stretch my fingers and hands out again. And then yawn, yawn, yawn. That part comes automatically.

ICr. on the rampage, especially using that word "should" which is never good for me.  :sadno: Nor are the thoughts behind it, the associations with the word.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 09, 2020, 09:54:20 AM
I'm spending way too much time on the Internet. Probably the most useful thing of all that is spending time on here, but nevertheless I'm going to take a little break from all of it (except if I really need to research something business-wise and except checking my emails) for 3 days. I really admire Hope for taking a break regularly for a whole month. However, better a short time than none at all. I can always extend the time if I want to too.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 09, 2020, 02:48:40 PM
go for it!  sounds like good self-care, blueberry!  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 12, 2020, 06:31:50 AM
Thank you san  :)
So apart from that quick little message to san since her post is immediately above, I'm following my own rules of this morning and posting only something that pertains to me. I'm not reading or responding to anybody else's posts during this session on the forum. This is self-care of a kind I seldom to almost never allow myself.
________________________________________

It's only been not quite 3 days and I really missed writing on here. Particularly the first 24 hours were hard. It's been useful that I've needed to find a different outlet for some of my feelings, thoughts etc. otoh I do think some of the changes that have taken place in me in the past couple of days happened because that's where my healing has brought me rather than because I was fasting from almost all Internet (except business-related).

The biggest thing is that I really felt anger and went ahead and expressed it. One of my neighbours - the other business - went over one of my boundaries again. And I said in no uncertain terms: "This is my part of the garden and that is my chair you're sitting on. Get out!!" He was not happy, he argued, brought up all sorts of illogical, irrelevant arguments including that his customers have complained about my garden not looking nice though they can't even see the bit he was referring to from his workshop! It culminated in him saying he's going to put up a table and chairs outside his window, which just so happens to be in a spot of the garden I have tended for over 10 years.

I let fly verbally because I am so sick of other tenants coming and taking bits of my garden as their own (once I've done a lot of the ground work, of which there is a lot to do before you can even start planting - mainly removing stones, bricks, miscellaneous garbage, old roots etc etc and disposing of them somewhere which is not easy in this country and in the case of stones and bricks even costs money). So yes, I am just so sick of people marching in and demanding their 'right' to set up in my part of the garden :blowup: :blowup: :blowup: often using illogical and sometimes using complete bogus arguments. e.g. ones that are contrary to their rental lease. Garden usage is not included in the business leases here, it's just for the tenants who live here. I have both types of leases so I know that.

First I was thinking the other business is acting like an aggressor nation who just runs over the border of another country and sets up. I still think the analogy fits. But deeper down it's reminding me of B1. He did things like that too and he was supported in it by M probably by F too but no concrete memory has come yet. So for instance when I must have been about 11 or 12 I got in from school about 2pm without having had lunch (unusual in the English-speaking world but that's how it was) and made myself a sandwich. B noticed that my sandwich included the crust and demanded that I give him half my sandwich because (he assumed) there was no more bread. M joined in on his arguments - yes, indeed if that is the last slice of bread, you have to give him half. Both refused to hear?/listen to?/comprehend? my assertion that there was a whole other loaf of bread in the cupboard. In the cupboard - not half-frozen in the freezer or otherwise inedible - but fresh still in its bag in the bread cupboard.  :blowup: By the time B1 was sick of the argument and reached for the remains of my sandwich to take it by force, I managed to throw it to the dog instead. I was lucky actually, in other situations he would just hit me and then take by force. But what is with this just simply refusing to listen?? :blowup: It was not because they couldn't comprehend. I grew up in an 'intellectual' family, university-educated parents, one of them a university lecturer even, in the Humanities, who prided themselves on their intelligence and logical thinking and didn't tire of telling me directly and indirectly how stupid they thought I was.

My business neighbour doesn't ply the 'intelligence' line, but now that he's noticed that the 'grooming' he was doing in the first months here doesn't actually work with me, it's as if he's sulking. He really reminds me of a small child who can't take a 'No' and is arguing all sorts of junk with their parents. A long time ago I was babysitting a little boy of about 6, summer evening, fairly close to bedtime, he'd already had his bath and his parents said he was not allowed out again that evening. Still after this parents left, he figured he had to have an argument with me about that, in which he claimed that he would of course manage to keep completely clean even if he went out and played in the sandbox again. I don't think so. There's probably a better word than 'bogus argument' when you're referring to a 6 year old because possibly they even really believe that they can play in the sandbox and remain clean.

But I'm also done with all these excuses and imaginings I could come up with: maybe he's traumatised too  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: He probably doesn't realise what he's doing  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: He's probably reacting that way because Blueberry is too strict, not friendly enough, should be more patient, should be more clear :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: should explain all about rental lease because neighbour doesn't speak the local language so well and on top of all of that this age-old thing called: Blueberry has got to give way because  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: I have had enough of it all!!! 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on July 12, 2020, 12:29:33 PM
Sounds like it's your garden that you have worked hard for. Ddon't ttalk ddown to yourself you ddeserve to to have ppeace in your garden.  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 12, 2020, 01:35:42 PM
and yeah!  i don't blame you for having had enough of it all!  my dear blueberry, i know how much you work in that garden, how many rocks and stones and bricks you've chucked out of it, how many weeds you've pulled over the years, and i'm so glad for you that you now know you don't have to share anymore if you don't want to!  that guy has his own issues - we all do, for crying out loud! - but that's no excuse for acting like a child, for being petulant, for disrespecting your boundaries over and over. 

i'm with you all the way on this, blueberry.  you so deserve the peace and renewal that a garden can bring, w/o others trying to mess it up for you.  go for it, sistah!!!  (***fist raised in solidarity***)  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on July 12, 2020, 01:42:07 PM
 :yeahthat:

He's wrong. There are no excuses. It's yours, not his, and he's wrong.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 15, 2020, 06:28:13 PM
Thank you all for your validation and support! On and off I'm celebrating internally because that was a great step forward!

My business neighbour looks stony-faced or ignores me completely, which is fine by me. I think he was just bluffing when he said things like ll invited him to sit in the garden. I remembered yesterday that the guy before the woman before him told a bald-faced lie or two in dealings with me and I'm sure the current neighbour is quite capable of that too. He is reminding me more and more of B1.

I've been repeating the refrain of: "I'm not putting up with this type of behaviour towards me anymore!!!" It feels quite strong.

Yesterday a youngish student came by and it turned out he had a cold. I now have a tickle and some pain in the back of my throat. I'm hoping it's just a normal cold since the weather turned cold and wet today. But I could still do without a cold. They usually take 2 weeks to clear up in my case. I am annoyed at the family for just sending him since I mentioned that I have a shakey immune system and they claimed to understand. I guess not.

Of course I should have sent him home as soon as I realised he had a cold but I didn't dare to, somehow. I was doubting my own belief that I need to shield as much as possible. Well, there are reasons for the self-doubt, stuck way back in my childhood. I'm really tired now, better wrap up warm and go to bed.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 17, 2020, 08:15:22 PM
I woke up this morning with all sorts of plans on ideas I've had before but had put to one side, especially on literary translations. Although I do realise I won't be implementing them right away because the steps that occurred to me will need to be broken down into very baby steps and they also depend on other people - authors, publishers etc with whom I have had next to no dealings before so new territory for me, nonetheless I was really surprised and happy that these ideas came up again. It means that some blockages have become unstuck/de-blocked. My T session was very useful and cathartic yesterday.

I ended up sleeping most of today. But yesterday I finally asked my T if these bouts of exhaustion after therapy work or after I've taken a big step on my own like setting a very clear boundary and having it accepted are connected to the brain work going on, e.g. all those synapses developing and joining up (or whatever it is exactly they do) and my T said yes. So knowing that definitely it makes it easier for me to accept that I have these phases of exhaustion.

I now have as many students again as I had before Covid in normal weeks. My new prices are in the midst of being accepted, I have a traumatised teenaged student who likes coming to my one-on-one lessons and has obviously already build some trust towards me within the space of 2-3 lessons. Even though I didn't think I taught very well last week. I was a bit scatter-brained which sometimes happens when I'm not well grounded. Didn't seem to put this student off though. I discovered today that her mother told her some form of I'm not 100% healthy either. Whether her mother mentioned trauma or not Idk. But it's fine by me. I know it about the student, so she can know it about me too. Presumably knowing it has helped her build trust so fast.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: rainydiary on July 17, 2020, 08:49:02 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on July 17, 2020, 08:15:22 PMI ended up sleeping most of today. But yesterday I finally asked my T if these bouts of exhaustion after therapy work or after I've taken a big step on my own like setting a very clear boundary and having it accepted are connected to the brain work going on, e.g. all those synapses developing and joining up (or whatever it is exactly they do) and my T said yes. So knowing that definitely it makes it easier for me to accept that I have these phases of exhaustion. 

I appreciate you sharing this - I've been especially exhausted in similar ways and figured it was related to my growth.  It is tough but I'm glad to know it is for good. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on July 18, 2020, 03:32:50 AM
 :hug: big steps blueberry that's awesome about your student. Keep moving forward.  Big hug of encouragement :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 21, 2020, 05:36:36 PM
Thank you Tee for your encouragement. :hug:   I'm glad my other point helped you too rainydiary.  :hug:  :thumbup:
______________________________

I'm having a hard time getting on with things atm, especially housework and basic self-care, not to mention pet care. I do do the basic pet care. But I also know that these phases come and go.

I was up at the farm Sunday evening till Monday morning doing manual pest control at a cool time of day. By the time I cycled home it was pretty warm and I went to sleep for the afternoon and today I simply didn't get out of bed until I needed to do so to teach. I know part of that is because I feel safe in bed and I had the need to feel safe today. But I also am giving into my addictions atm and I don't want to feel what's going on internally. Possibly something fairly hefty since it's more addicitions than just eating.

Being at the farm often helps me get on with things at home, but not so much this time. Though I didn't do so many of my usual jobs there, partially because of the way I'm isolating and they are not. Maybe I worked a little bit too long. It was hard to stop because I kept seeing those pesky beetles that needed to leave the potato field and never come back ;)  Still I am continuing to get better there about not harping onto myself in my head about how I should be working better, faster, :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: and making 'better' decisions about things like closing the empty field or not.

I read something today about how people who pile too much on their own plate (of activities!) tend to damage their immune system. So I'm wondering if that's maybe another reason (other than distancing and frequent hand-washing) why I've had no cold/flu since corona broke out whereas up until then for about the duration of a year, I kept getting colds and very bad colds (that took 2 weeks to heal). I know that singing in the choir was good for me but now that we haven't practised for a few months now, I'm wondering if that isn't that one thing too many that I should drop. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 23, 2020, 11:49:17 PM
I came on here earlier but didn't allow myself to write for 'should' reasons. I shouldn't need this anymore or something along those lines. Why ever not? :fallingbricks:

I had therapy Thursday morning and slept, read, dozed all day afterwards though I had said I'd go up to the farm in the afternoon till Fri AM. I didn't really get going with anything till 9pm when I finally did some overdue pet care. Then I was going to write some long overdue homework for 2 of my students but ended up reading news and comments on Internet instead. Well no point in haranguing myself because that would involve a 'should' world view.

I got a bill this week for my new advertising and it's a little higher than 'expected' because I hadn't read the original offer correctly. It's worth the price partly because I do need the advertising and partly because I genuinely do feel grateful that the graphic designer doesn't put me under any pressure when I pull on the brakes again, hard. My new flyers are being delivered later today. As soon as I read the notification email I perked up a bit. I've been working on this off and on for so long and now it's finally coming to fruition :)

I can't really remember how we got onto it in T this morning but we were working on my problems with cleaning, how it exhausts me so much. No wonder I went back to bed for the day. Though my T did say that when I do so it's OK because I do it when I need to and then I get up again at some point (get up to stay up, that is) and carry on. And I figured I don't go down into the garden when I'm feeling like that because it isn't a really safe place because I share the whole space with others who don't all accept my boundaries. So having cleared that up, I won't feel much impetus to harangue myself about not going into the garden when feeling down.

I say to myself: No wonder I'm having such trouble moving on professional tasks I 'ought' to be moving on - I'm feeling 'stuck' again because there are bills and contracts to write. Strange that I'm not writing homework though because I usually enjoy that. Now I'll go and try again.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on July 24, 2020, 04:15:18 AM
 :hug: hugs blueberry I like hearing about your day.  I hope that writing here helped you be able to work on the homework. For me sometimes I just have to get something out of my head Before I can move on to a more productive day. I hope you have a great day big encouraging hug. :hug: You got this.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 26, 2020, 10:21:04 AM
Thanks Tee, it did help. So maybe writing now will help some too.
________________________________________

:blowup: :blowup: I don't even know why. My T said last time that these feelings are a good sign for me. They're showing that there's more energy there to do things, to be active rather than just pull back. Today there's this whole list of things I 'should' do though Should Is Never Good For Me. The weather is a bit on the cooler side - a bit windy and below 25° - what I'd really like to do is cycle back up to the farm and continue annihilating potato beetles and their larvae by hand. I'd much prefer that to tidying up and cleaning in my apartment. Or a bunch of work-related stuff I should be doing like writing bills and contracts and homework and... Oh there's that should again.

I was on the farm Friday evening till Sat noon. Saturday I remained a little too long up on the field - too much sun, got too tired, cycled home in the sun too at a time of day I would have been better off in the shade. There are however joys up on the farm and on the way to and from. I see lots of greenery, different grasses and wild flowers on the way and on the farm. When I walked up to the field to start work at 7:30 on Saturday, I saw a fox running from the field. Foxes are pretty common these days. Still I don't see them that often, darting in and out of the plants, long bushy tail flying behind. Later I saw two hares playing in the field beside the vegetable patch. Also lots of pretty beetles (green, gold) other than the potato beetles, which are actually quite pretty too. It's just they ruin the potato crop :thumbdown: I saw some huge pale green grasshoppers, one of whom had speared a large potato beetle larva :thumbup: One less for me.

In a few days it's finally school holidays here, but rather unusually I have at least four adult students coming for some of or even all the holidays and one school child who may come some times. On the face of this it's good because I had loss of income March to May and I also tend to kind of droop in August anyway because almost all my routine stops and most of my friends go on holiday 2 weeks plus and I mostly don't, or if I do max a week of working holiday e.g. at one of the yoga places. But everything's different this year. Once I finally made the decision: no holiday, not even a few days, I noticed I plunged into depression but also there was this explosive part. I suppose I should be explaining to some inner parts that we're going to be doing some staycation. And then make sure I do that - a bit for all my parts. There's an IC who likes to read, another who likes to do word puzzles - things I do often. There's another who likes to run barefoot through grass - don't do that often at all - and another who likes to wade in little rivers or even swim. Let's see, there's another part who likes to move to music or maybe two parts because there's an Inner Teen who does all kinds of moving in private and then there's an IC who likes to walk around or sway to nursery rhymes - so different kind of moves and taste in music altogether. There's also an IC who's embarrassed to like the traditional music of the country my parents come from. Needless to say FOO ridiculed me on that, but I can play some on the keyboard and I also have CDs but I have to be in the mood for it.

Then there would be holiday things for my adult. I like to swing and there are big adult hammock-like swings a half-day cycle away. I haven't used my better but more unusal bike for a while now. I need to get a new mirror for it but then using it or even my less good bike for going for little cycles other than to the farm - could be fun. No choir but I could sing again at home, just for me. Hymns too, they do me good. 

My new flyers came on Friday. Even though I worked on them and knew what they were turning into, now that I see them they're not what I expected somehow. It's weird. I feel as if I have to get used to them. There's too much text as usual. Otoh the husband of a friend of mine - they both have somewhat creative jobs - said your own advertising feels like work-in-progress. At some point you just have to decide. So that's what I finally did! I feel a little stressed because the graphic designer wrote she'd like to know how they appeal to me and I find it hard to write the truth: "I need some time, I hope they grow on me. Atm they seem 'too busy' to me."

Well, now that I've written a few things e.g about the advertising and what my holiday/staycation could look like, I do feel better.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on July 26, 2020, 04:55:03 PM
 :hug: sounds like you could stay busy for weeks on your staycation 🙂 enjoy your time! :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 28, 2020, 09:53:30 AM
These are just ideas, Tee. I may not do all of them, probably won't in fact. It's often a real struggle. otoh I felt better for simply having written them. It is good to take a holiday from the normal run-of-the-mill even if it's just for 5 minutes (barefoot in grass) but so long as I do it really concentrating on it and absorbing with all my senses, it'll do a lot of good. I think in the next couple of days I'll write them out on paper and stick them up in my apartment to remind myself without having to get on the computer. Less computer would be a good thing in August too.

Anyway I dropped by on OOTS to say 'Hi' :wave: having checked for any emails and found none. Somebody on OOTF surmised in a reply to me that I'm lonely. I didn't respond to it. But yeah, deep down I probably am lonely while still needing a lot of time for myself. Being with other people can be stressful, though it is no longer as stressful for me as it was when I was younger. I guess I'm better at reading other people's signals and cues now, so I don't worry about things FOO dinned into me which were untrue mostly anyway e.g. people just talking to me because they felt sorry for me but really wishing I'd go away :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: It may have been true on occasion but not as the norm.

So, back to the day job as they say. Actually some much-needed cleaning: office windows and then the toilet. Ugh. But I haven't done the latter in a while so whether my mess or the tailor's is a moot point.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Tee on July 28, 2020, 11:33:14 AM
 :hug: well enjoy your holiday when your done with your cleaning,   I hope you and all of your parts have a good time I can't What
Wait to hear about your fun adventures! :hug: :boogie: :sunny: :yahoo: :zzz: :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 28, 2020, 05:17:35 PM
hey, blueberry,

i totally agree about the exhaustion thing - i've heard that using our brains is just as exhausting as using our bodies.  i think you've been doing a really good job lately of taking more of the time you need for sleep/rest than you have in the past.  well done! :thumbup:

whatever you decide to do for a holiday, i hope it's pure enjoyment.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 30, 2020, 10:22:52 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on July 28, 2020, 09:53:30 AM
It is good to take a holiday from the normal run-of-the-mill even if it's just for 5 minutes (barefoot in grass) but so long as I do it really concentrating on it and absorbing with all my senses, it'll do a lot of good. I think in the next couple of days I'll write them out on paper and stick them up in my apartment to remind myself without having to get on the computer.

So I've written this list on a piece of paper that was stuck to the kitchen wall already anyway. I've also done the cleaning I mentioned (office windows, office toilet) and added some more: apartment toilet and pet living quarters.

I also turned down a translation request this morning after a bit of weighing up pros and cons, and I finally got a prescription I needed from the doc who is filling in for my gp who is sick. It's an extra hurdle having to go to a new doc's office.

So, as I remind myself while writing all this out - these are all concrete, beneficial steps.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 30, 2020, 12:54:00 PM
i agree.   :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 30, 2020, 09:15:05 PM
It seems that pointing out to myself that I'd taken concrete beneficial steps helped me go on and take more of them  :cheer:

Then this evening it was good when I realised that I had no energy left and also felt no desire to go and assert any boundaries that I decided to neither cycle back up to the farm nor go into the garden or take my pets with me (in case I had to deal with any neighbours). I just lay back on my sofa with a cool drink and dozed off eventually. It's a shame not to always feel able to go down into the garden, otoh it's good when I can feel that asserting any boundary is just going to be too much. I'm getting better at feeling what I need.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 30, 2020, 10:37:51 PM
I'm working on a contract with a friend. She's helping me financially with a set amount of money per month which would be best paid into my business for various reasons. In return she can use my services for a set number of hours per month. It has not been totally easy for me. She presented me with a contract and went through it with me explaining why particular points are in the contract. I don't agree with all of them or with the wording. (Take some deep breaths). So this means I'm asserting myself towards a long-term friend where I have never done that before, not really. We have discussed things before e.g. I house-sat for her and her H a good number of years ago and we had an unwritten contract (I'd say) about who was responsible for what payments etc. But up until now I've viewed myself as a bit less than, a bit inferior. (Yawn). Now I'm having to, well, assert myself and say "But I do think this point from me belongs in the contract!" Thinking to myself - "hey, I'm the one who does freelance work after all, I know this."

The point is, my T said a couple of years ago that a friendship only really holds if both sides feel free to discuss an issue within the friendship. Writing a contract involving work and regular payments is an issue which has to be addressed properly before it is signed. So I'm presently working myself out of this felt position of "I'm inferior" in order to address the issues and assert myself. Not easy. But a necessary step forwards. :yes:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 30, 2020, 11:54:27 PM
best to you with all this, blueberry.  asserting oneself in a friendship can definitely be scary.  i give you a lot of credit for continuing to move forward as you are doing.  well done! :thumbup:   love and hugs to you, my dear :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 31, 2020, 02:45:07 PM
Thank you san :hug: :) It did me good to write it out yesterday though by the time I got back upstairs I'd forgotten all about doing any EFT on it. So now when I think about it, feeling a little ashamed that it's not easy for me. However, onwards!

I thought about going up to the farm yesterday evening as well as this early morning, but instead I've been getting on with my own things. Especially: I'm continuing to tidy and clean in my apartment. Bit by bit. To other people my apartment would still look chaotic, untidy and needing a mop and a dust, but I see a difference. Also this morning while it was still coolish I took the Little Furries down into the garden into the shade to do some lawn-mowing in their haphazard way while I did some weeding, de-mossing, cutting back of plants that are growing a bit out of control, small-stone-removal etc. Especially cutting back and doing some re-organising / planning in garden is not easy for me a lot of the time so it's worth a little celebration when I can actually get on with it.

I note that my business neighbour is being passive-aggressive in certain ways e.g. bringing communal garbage containers back into the building and putting them in front of my basement storage door instead of in their proper place (sigh, ho-hum) but otoh he's obviously making an effort to flush the business toilet properly, so I have almost automatically started making an effort in various ways that are good for me / my garden, but might also please him. If he notices, which I'm not sure he will.

Despite him having made weird remarks months ago about me using my shower daytime above his business, I took a shower a couple of hours ago to cool off a bit. Often difficult for me anyway, even worse after this neighbour alluded to it. So  :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 31, 2020, 05:16:37 PM
honestly, blueberry, i am seeing so much progress, so much more positivity in you, so much less ICr stuff as you go about your day-to-day life, it's incredible.  you are doing such a fantastic job of moving forward, doing what's best for you, taking care of and accepting yourself as you are.  kudos to you! :thumbup:

love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on July 31, 2020, 07:53:02 PM
Thank you san for noticing and then telling me! In fact just a few minutes ago before I came on I was thinking how low-profile my ICr is getting. I had a memory of B1 saying things my ICr would, but I don't even think it's my ICr. It really is just a memory, where I think to myself or better at B1 "your observations are irrelevant to my life"

So, I've just come in from the garden where I tried out insect observation, species determination and counting. Counting the easiest part. My resurfacing memories of FOO were this idea that you have to know your birds, insects, trees etc from day one more or less. I was mocked by my parents especially F for not knowing that kind of thing when I was a teen (despite growing up in 2 different countries with partially way different flora and fauna). But more importantly, it's never too late to learn. Anybody can join in the count I'm doing whatever your knowledge level because you learn by observing. I'll do better tomorrow, even better in 3 days and much better next year if I want to participate. Even if I don't, I'll have learned more about insects, their habitats and habits. In my memories, B1 was just mocking in general, maybe copying F despite not knowing any more than I do or did about these kinds of subjects.

A few years ago I went on a few guided wild plant / wild flower tours and then with books, Internet and general observation - including drawing leaves or stems to check when I got back home since I have neither smartphone nor camera - I learned names and characteristics of quite a lot of local wild plants. I know that I can do much the same with beetles, bees, wasps, moths, spiders, ants, dragon flies etc. I feel good about it! There are none of those voices in my head belittling my effort, telling me I'll never manage etc etc.  :) :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 03, 2020, 01:30:43 PM
I did some more of insect observation and count. Usually I end up searching for what exactly certain insects could be in books as well as Internet when I've come in from the field. The most useful thing I think is just getting to know insects and insect classification better, as well as simply observing. On Friday and Saturday I did it up at the farm where there were many more insects and a greater variety than in a town garden. Today I was scouting out some other possible places around town when I was on my way back home with my bike. But it's an overcast day and now it's even raining, so not the best day for it.

Also I'm waiting for some business person to phone me back so that I can get on with a different aspect of my advertising. Getting back in contact with him was another step, so I am getting on with a few things.

Today I did run an errand to a town about 40 minutes away by bike (uphill...) but honestly what I most feel like doing today is: nothing. I think to myself: "This is your holidays!! You're meant to be stocking up on fun things, activities that involve all the senses", some of those holiday activities I wrote further up the thread. Oh, there's that 'should' again ('meant to' is pretty much the same as 'should'). Actually I'm just happy that I have no appointments today (other than waiting for phone call) and don't have to shower or wash my hair :thumbup:   Others might say "Gross" and look for an emoticon of somebody holding their nose.

A while ago I asked my T the following somewhat rhetorical question: "How can taking a shower be so exhausting?!?" To which he replied that the activity itself is not what is exhausting but "all what I take with me" - emotions, buried memories etc. That makes sense of course but somehow I needed my T to say that for me to grasp it.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: marta1234 on August 03, 2020, 03:02:20 PM
Blueberry, lots of :applause: for taking the time to contact the business person so it helps your work and allowing yourself to do what you want which is nothing  ;D .That's a huge step for your own good and you should be proud :)

P.S. Sadly, you're not alone with the "shower is exhausting" part. I've had this my entire life, taking a shower when I'm feeling low (which is most of the time these days) is too much for me and I really struggle with that. Thank you for sharing what your T said. I never knew that there was more to this.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 05, 2020, 01:22:30 PM
marta, thanks for responding and applauding. That always helps me remember to keep recognising my own steps forward and also to even just notice them and not discount them.

I'm sorry you have such a struggle with showering too.  :hug:     There have been posts on that by others on here before too, possibly in response to my own. We're not alone.
________________________

In the night I was reading back in my previous Journal and came up with this from about a year ago:
Quote from: Blueberry on August 12, 2019, 02:46:42 PM
Two concrete beneficial steps today already, and one connected realisation.

In the retreat I came up with quite a few new Attitude Changes. One is "I'm not your therapist." This was directed internally at a previous friend of mine to whom I've written quite a few Recovery Letters. ...

But there's more to this. To my new business neighbour: "I'm not your business start-up assistant, I'm not your language assistant, who'll phone the utilities company for you." The concrete beneficial step was: I refused to help even a step further. I realised NO! My own goal rn is more important to me. (I wanted to listen to one of the trauma healing podcasts before they were taken down about half an hour ago.) I didn't have time to help him. I did of course briefly - showed him where his gas meter is - but then "No! I'm not phoning them for you." He thanks me for the help, when I give it, and goes on about my 'good heart'. Today I said I need my good helping heart chiefly for myself, and closed the door.  :cheer:

Before I went on the retreat, I asked him for an easy, return favour for what I'd just done for him: Could he empty my letter box while I was away if it was overflowing. He gave a long explanation of why he didn't want to do that kind of thing (I didn't understand it, but his knowledge of the local language is shaky). I did understand that he didn't want to do it, but I pushed for him to do it this once, and he did.

Realisation: "I don't need your overflowing thanks and huge expressions of gratitude (maybe even 'charming' words, manipulating words, like 'good heart'?), I need reciprocal help." A brief thank-you is certainly good - I give that too. But it's not enough for the energy I expend helping others. So that's a person where I'll certainly need to watch and maintain the boundary, or pull it tighter.

It helps me read that now to remember how much I did help him and how much he continued to want, more and more, and how little even then he wanted to give back. No wonder I blew a fuse when he was sitting uninvited in my part of the garden dribbling cigarette ash on my mini strawberries and scuffing up my newly-sown grass a week or so ago. I've been watching and maintaining and pulling the boundary tighter out of necessity all year. As a response to my blowing a fuse, he yelled a few days later that neighbours are meant to be nice and helpful to each other and that he had expected me to offer him the opportunity to sit in my part of the garden. He expected that?!?  :blink: :blink: Having read what I quoted above from previous Journal, I'm even more flabbergasted. It is good to re-read and it's even good for me that I write such long, detailed posts because it's not till I go back to them that I remember how demanding or boundary-crushing or whatever that person's behaviour was and that my subsequent and continuing behaviour is a necessary self-protective result.

It's apt I noticed all that in the night too for a different reason. I have finally applied to the Town for permission to put up a sign outside my office advertising my services (I think it's called a 'sandwich board' in English, which more or less everybody else in the pedestrian precinct has, including my business neighbour. I note that he obviously managed to apply for it himself last year. He obviously managed the email (tho' he told me at the beginning of the Corona lock-down he didn't have email nor did his friends, just What'sApp) or managed a business letter on paper (which would involve printing it out somewhere other than my printer) and he managed it all without any of my language help. He didn't ask me presumably because I didn't have a sign at the time. He managed it all by himself. He is not as incapable or helpless as he was always trying to show. Not that his being incapable would require that I help him anyway. He's probably just being manipulative, pushing an easy-feeling boundary and then feeling annoyed when I set it and re-set it more firmly and then explode. Point is: I have to watch this guy. He's an energy-leech.

My T says something in respect to my business neighbour which makes me laugh when I think about it. That with small children you often have to repeat boundaries: "No, no more chocolate today." (for the 100th time). "No, you're not allowed to throw sand onto the sidewalk". Because I said to my T that business neighbour reminds me of a small child who doesn't get his way. He also reminds me of B1, so :lightbulb: B1's behaviour is small-child-like too, except that he adds violence, which is not easy to just brush off and it shouldn't be either.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 06, 2020, 09:18:55 PM
Nice sunny day today. No appointments. I did nothing except lie on the sofa (which is doubling as a bed atm) reading, dozing and doing crossword puzzles. Didn't really drink, no meds, no shower. Not showering is certainly one reason I didn't leave the apartment till just now - I'm such a smelly unkempt mess that not even I thought it would be OK to show myself. Now it's late evening though. Everybody else probably in bed.

2 FOO emails tonight about a family friend who'd known me since before I was born passing away. I'm actually impressed both sibs managed to inform me. Can't say I feel anything. Numb I guess. Though there are undoubtedly good memories as well as some mourning to come.

Haven't eaten much today either or even fed my pets properly. Before coming online I did pick them a little grass etc. in the dark.

I have spurts of energy along with little impulses to do things, then I curl back up again and do more or less nothing. Might be good to EFT it. i.e. accept it.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on August 07, 2020, 12:41:08 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I think your reflections on writing detail in your journal, and how much that is helpful when you look back on it at a later date is great, and I am going to also think of that whenever I'm writing in my own journal - as I have also found it helpful to re-read and compare how things are.

I am imagining how difficult it must have been for you to pick grass for your pets in the dark earlier!  I think that shows you tried to provide for them, even though it was difficult.  That's just something that's come to my mind, and I hope you don't mind me commenting in that way.

I want to also write that I've missed you, but ended up deleting it, as it might feel 'too much' - but I've said it, and written it again - because I have missed you. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 07, 2020, 04:19:30 PM
Hi Hope,
Thank you for commenting :) I miss you too when you have your spells off the forum. At the same time I am glad you can take them, feel able to live without the forum for a while.

I only picked grass in the night where the light from the doorway was shining onto it. Today I picked grass in the sunshine and then bought my pets some carrots etc. I started eating again myself too.
___________________________

August seems to always be a hard month for me. A month of depression whatever I decide or plan in advance. Maybe I should re-name it then. It's not "depressive slump" it's me "needing to protect myself" and/or "recharge", "regroup".
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 07, 2020, 05:54:18 PM
It occurred to me a little while ago :doh: Horrendous Family Event #2 took place around this time of year, a little earlier actually but I was definitely dealing with the aftermath around this time 4 years ago. Other vague memories and feelings from much much earlier years are coming atm too.

Also this:  :blowup: I'm sick of therapy! I'm sick of work, work, working on myself for years in order to stay semi-upright most of the time! Actually I'm not working on self atm because I am sick of it.

Often in August I'd do a healing workshop or at least a yoga retreat. During those times I'd feel a helpful framework supporting me (e.g. meals, other people around, my own chaos missing, no pets to look after) and allowing me to do some of those holiday things I like to do: go wading in a stream; going barefoot on grass, singing etc. 

So I guess I'm doing OK atm considering.  :'( :'( Feel sad now. Good to let that come to surface.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 10, 2020, 05:31:07 PM
 :blowup: :blowup: :blowup: Just finished exploding at a neighbour. Or to be more precise the mother of a neighbour. My explosions include boundary setting. I said quite a lot before exploding. But she just wouldn't stop with these long reams of "but what can I do...." (other than put things in my part of the garden or in front of my basement door or.....). And also "but these garden tomatoes are just so lovely, I thought of you while picking each one..." There's a puke button over at OOTF. After I'd already told her yesterday and again today that I don't want them.

She said "you shouldn't get angry like that it's bad for our health."  :blowup:  (That's my inner bomb going off)        Actually my T thinks it's good that I occasionally get a bit loud rather than bottling it up. I don't care if it's bad for her health. She ought to have learnt to accept my boundaries by now. Anyway I broke off the discussion by leaving while she was still speaking.

I kind of feel like  :'( :'( :'(            I remember the first time as an adult when I simply left my M's company to go and sit where I wanted and not where she demanded we all sit. When I went back to my parents to continue the hike, she commented on me going off as if I had been in the huff or sulking like a small child. I didn't say anything. Arguing back didn't bring much. She just seemed to think (as usual) it had absolutely nothing to do with her.

My T said it's important that I don't drift into imagining what people like my neighbours think of me, especially after I've set a boundary. It's hard though.

I slept much of the day - it's so hot here atm. Had at least 2 nightmares. In one, two of my Little Furries were being hounded by a larger animal and I kept having to rescue them. It was more stressful than it might seem. I mean in a dream I don't know it's not true, do I? Whereever I put them, whereever they went especially the weaker of my 3 Little Furries was being hounded from the back. I don't remember the other nightmare any more, but after I woke up I thought that I'm processing stuff atm.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 11, 2020, 05:39:03 AM
Anger and rage. At least I know better why. People going over my stated boundaries, provoking seemingly on purpose. Being incapable or unwilling to accept NO!!! Then purporting to care about me with statements like I'm damaging my health.  :blowup: Yeah, then leave me alone for crying out loud. I remember as a child that's what I often cried in FOO: "Leave me alone!" So now I have the M of a neighbour clinging to me, rubbing her stupid tomatoes under my nose with her manipulative clap-trap like "I picked them especially for you" which is exactly what she said last time about her garden berries which I eventually and reluctantly accepted. This time I didn't accept and still she comes.

I actually have an exercise from T which I found in my diary but I don't want to feel into it enough to do it.

Bunch of FOO statements in my head like "you've got to get on with other people". I've lost my temper twice in the space of about 6 weeks in this building and got loud. You're not meant to do that, you're meant to be able to keep your cool as an adult. I feel like I'm being baited. My T said actually I shouldn't be involved in discussions with the M of my neighbour because she's not the one who even lives here, but either my neighbour leaves it up to her or the M does it on her own initiative.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :'( :'( :'( :'( Good that I have T again on Thursday. When my feelings are that near the surface and anger and pain/sadness coming up together, it's time I looked at things with T.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on August 13, 2020, 04:13:58 AM
Blueberry, I'm not spending much time on OOTS this month, but tonight I caught up on reading your journal. Bravo for all the boundaries you are setting and keeping, although it sounds stressful and exhausting with the people you have to deal with in your building.  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 13, 2020, 10:02:35 AM
Dear notalone,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and to comment.  :hug: And especially for supporting me in my boundary-setting, applauding me for doing so.  :)
________________________

I've just had my T appointment. My T says similar things. Also that since I grew up not being able to defend myself at all (because FOO didn't allow me) I didn't learn how to regulate either e.g. when should I simply say "That's my boundary and I'm not discussing this further." or when to remain open to discussion. So atm it's simply important that I'm stating and reiterating my boundary, then defending it. And whatever my neighbours think or don't think about all of that, it's irrelevant. I am not losing control - just my ICr tells me that I am. But I'm not. Yes, sometimes I get a bit loud and occasionally throw in a word that would turn into an asterisk on here (although directed at the situation rather than at the person), but I'm doing it under provocation towards people who consistently ignore my boundaries and pretend not to understand them or to never have heard them because I purportedly have not said them. I'm not simply blowing a fuse at anybody I come across on the street.

In my T appointment we spent most of the time talking about how much the family friend who has just passed away, how much she meant to me as a child. My T showed me more the difference between her behaviour and my own M's, how much motherly support she gave me, based on what I told him of a few situations. I cried on and off as I spoke of her and those situations. She was one of the adults who helped me survive my childhood, at least more intact than I would have otherwise. At first I cried today at never having thanked her for that, to then realise that you don't always have to thank people, especially not as a child/teen, but even as an adult you don't have to turn around and thank an adult for being there for you in your childhood. You can (obviously) but you don't have to. An adult doesn't have to hear it in words from you, they can see it, see what they've done for you. e.g. see that you've calmed down and are happy again. Possibly they're not even really aware in words of what they're doing for you when they spontaneously give you a hug or forgive you, they're just acting in a way that's natural to them. My T also reminded me that I can still thank her in my heart if I want to :'( :'( and/or email the one son again asking for his sister's email address (so I can write to her with some of my good memories of her M). I came up with the courage for the latter idea in the night, though at the time I wrote my email of condolence I hadn't dared to (because of FOO influence). But now I will dare and my T agreed with that.

Now I must go and wash my face so it doesn't look as if I have been crying and then get ready for a business appointment.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on August 14, 2020, 01:08:46 AM
I'm sorry about your friend who passed away. I'm glad you are able to feel and express your grief.  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on August 14, 2020, 07:09:26 PM
I'm so sorry about your friend, Blueberry. I'm thankful that she was in your life. :hug:

I l understand your anger over people trying to stomp through your boundaries. Their actions would make me feel :pissed: as well.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 15, 2020, 12:06:27 AM
Thank you both  :hug:
I am well into grieving now. I was able to watch the memorial service on facebook (probably thanks to covid, since the current situation meant there were many mourners other than me who couldn't attend) and have made contact with two of her adult children of around my age. And although I hadn't had contact with either of them for years they were very much part of my childhood, especially the daughter. She was among my best friends. I was often at their place or she was at my place. So I've been able to write to her, saying how so important her M was to me in my childhood because she gave me things my M couldn't. ("couldn't" is putting it nicely but I of course want to be neutral-ish about my FOO and my own trials and tribulations in the time of their family grief.)

The memorial service and the way they all as an extended family acted, spoke - that just showed me how different they are and were to my FOO. How much even the men allowed themselves to show emotion. How much reflection on their M's life and especially on her character. I realised - bing - my FOO can't do that. My FOO can only list what people did in their lives but not capable of saying this particular action showed how caring or loving or determined or... our deceased relative was, or at least when the characteristic is a 'good thing'. A lot of important realisations going on for me, of which I'll probably write more in the next few days.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on August 15, 2020, 01:52:44 AM
Big hugs to you as you go thru this, dear Blueberry.  :hug: 💞 :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on August 15, 2020, 10:36:03 AM
Dear Blueberry,
My condolences to you, and sending you gentle hugs as well  :hug: :hug: 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 15, 2020, 12:34:06 PM
Thank you both very much 3R and Hope  :hug:

I cried a lot last night, especially while writing to the daughter. Sometimes I even had to get up and walk around the room a little in my grief. I feel much better for crying. As Hagrid from the Harry Potter books said "Better out than in" though that might have been slugs rather than tears come to think of it. But anyway he's correct on the tears too. My FOO otoh so so wrong.

I'm going up to the farm in a couple of hours for 24 hours so won't be on here during that time.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 16, 2020, 08:48:07 PM
Being up at the farm did me good. By the time I got myself organised to leave home and cycle up there yesterday evening, I was pretty exhausted but decided to go anyway. Overslept this morning, oops. But I accepted that. It's OK. I obviously needed the sleep. Yesterday evening I felt as if my feet and legs were weak. I think less physical, more emotional because of the death of somebody who was such an important person in my childhood. In addition, I know that deaths and mourning bring up a whole bunch of other stuff: in this case lots of realisations and painful memories about my own family. I sometimes more or less physically collapse at realisations anyway.

So a few days ago I contacted one of the sons in the mourning family to ask when the memorial service would be because even if I can't go (which is the case geographically / Covid / financially / + other reasons) it helps me just to be able to think of the person and their family at the time of the memorial service. He kind of apologised and sent me facebook link and order of service right away but it was the day after the service. Really he shouldn't have needed to. 10 days ago he emailed some of that information to one of my brothers, who didn't bother forwarding the notification till today. So FOO playing games again. And it's really stupid because it meant that the son-in-mourning ended up having to deal with one additional thing the day after the service when he most likely had assumed that notifying one brother of mine would suffice for our whole extended family. But it's not my stupidity or my pig-headedness. This one was on my brother. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 17, 2020, 02:20:37 PM
so very sorry about your friend, blueberry.   :hug:

i hate it when people keep pushing something on me, telling me reasons why i 'should' accept it, or try it, or whatever.  i congratulate you fully for your boundary setting.  sometimes loud is the only answer those people understand!

love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 17, 2020, 04:12:10 PM
Thank you san on both counts!  :hug:  :grouphug:
___________________________

I've been thinking on and off about why I'm not saying 'my friend who died'. Because she was much more than a friend and for most of the time I had active, regular contact, she was my friend's mum. 28 years older, my parents' generation. She and her husband emigrated to the same city as my parents from the same country at the same time. They had no relatives in the country they immigrated to, nor did we to begin with. Their children all approximately the same age as us children. Both our families spent a lot of time together.

I'd say looking back she was more like the aunt I didn't have even vaguely close by. And an aunt who was interested in me and liked having me around (unlike one aunt) and allowed to be kind to me without being accused by my M of favouring me (unlike the other aunt, though it was actually my uncle who was accused of that, but she being the in-law kind of drew back. She didn't treat me unkindly at all but I think she left her H, the blood relative to deal with his difficult SIL - my M - and the rest of our nuclear family. Which was probably very sensible.)

As a small child, I was actually frightened of my other aunt. I remember my very little cousins (2 and 4 yo) the first time we visited them after a geographical-caused break of about 3 years showing me the shelf in their parents' bedroom where things of theirs were kept - little pink and white girly clothes - and I was terrified the whole time that my aunt was going to march in and march us out, the way my own M might well have. I wasn't even frightened of a punishment per se. It made me nervous enough just thinking of an angry voice and whole body bristling with anger so that you could feel it in the room. Didn't actually happen. But I couldn't tell my little cousins that I was frightened of being caught doing something 'wrong' (being in their parents' bedroom)! Little as they were at least the oldest seemed to grasp the issue and they were reassuring me that it was OK to be there looking at their clothes. My cousins probably hoped I would tell them how pretty their clothes were but I was far too nervous, looking far too much over my shoulder. This degree of fear - I never would have had it or needed it at either the aunt's who pulled back or especially at the family friends' where the mother was more like an aunt to me. At the very most, she would have kindly said: "Girls, please come out." and we would have gone out. Now that I think back, I was in her and her H's bedroom occasionally, taken in for some specific reason by their daughter, one of my best friends back then. Of course I had none of that feeling of fear! It was not a house where I regularly misbehaved, I might sometimes have done something wrong accidently or unknowingly the way children do growing up, or even something mildly naughty, but it was just not a house in which the children were ordered around and yelled at for no reason, when a mildly-spoken request would have sufficed instead.

Though when one or more of their children were visiting us, my M kept her tongue and her flaring rage in check somewhat.

As with most of my posts on here up until not so long ago, things become clear as I write and I'm sure I'm processing emotionally while doing so.

There is a lot more to write on this whole subject matter, but I may do some of it as a couple of Recovery Letters in the next little while.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 21, 2020, 12:07:51 AM
I'm doing terminology work in the middle of the night as usual. In 7 hours I'm meant to be sitting in the train on the way to an appointment where I have to function bilingually in a pretty high-stress situation, at least for me it's high-stress.

I'm not thinking to myself "Should've declined, should've declined" the way I've written a number of times before e.g. here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7637.msg63547#msg63547

Instead, I do realise that it would have been better to start my prep work a bit earlier but I also realise that I simply couldn't. I discussed it a little bit in T this morning. I've always condemned myself a bit. I had this idea that I'm tripping myself up with this kind of behaviour. People (w/o cptsd) even ask what advantage I'm giving myself by not getting on with my work early enough, as if I had a choice. Today I realised "tripping myself up" is just thoughts. The real reason(s) behind not getting on with work or other things will sit much deeper. Little work on it in T: it's ICs - well, at least 1 IC and 1 ITeen who need compassion and just dialogue with me. The IC is more willing to go to an imaginary play space while I work and also tomorrow during the appointment where I'm interpreting but my Inner Teen(s) - seems now to be the 12yo and 16yo not just the 12yo - are much harder for me to deal with. No, the 16yo is. The 12yo felt unfairly treated as I wrote that. I do know that "much harder to deal with" means I lack the skills in my Adult. It's not the fault of the Inner Teens. As far as I've always heard, the ICs and I.Teens who are "the most difficult" to pacify, get along with, deal with are (1) the most badly damaged and (2) those in greatest need.

It's certainly not their fault. They tend to get in the way of me working with grown-ups' language. Contractual law certainly belongs firmly in the world of adults! It's FOO's fault, especially my parents and my elder brother. Verbal and intellectual abuse. And from my parents emotional neglect, and general neglect of normal parental duty: simply being there, teaching your children how to approach and complete tasks, e.g. homework. Things like that.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 21, 2020, 04:48:43 AM
i know that whole idea of not being prepared by parents for adult ways of looking and being in the world.  my mom never taught me to cook, clean, bake - nothing domestic.  she always said that when i got married, i'd learn soon enough!  it became a problem way before that, when i moved away from my parents' home and lived w/ friends.  after about 6 mos. they actually took my sis and i aside, told us that if we didn't do such and such, be more responsible w/ chores, etc., they were going to ask us to leave.  we didn't have a clue!

finding yourself in adult situations w/o adult guidance as to how to maneuver correctly in them can be nerve-wracking.  deep breaths, go slow.  i know you can do this, and your inner teens will learn, too.  you're giving them the guidance they need.  love and hugs filled w/ lots of support and faith in your own power as the adult you've come to be, my dear. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 21, 2020, 07:53:58 PM
Thanks san :hug: On the way to my appointment today I thought of those deep breaths and did them. That helped.

I'm sorry how ill-prepared you were for moving out, I mean how ill-prepared your M made you. Sounds like abdication of responsibility. Some parents actually want their children to be successful in the adult world and give them the tools for this, step-by-step through childhood and teens. Not so my parents :sadno: or yours either apparently.

________________________________________

I'm surprised I've managed to respond to quite a few posts. My head feels like jelly or total fog. But still I'm managing to express some things. :thumbup:

I'm too exhausted to write and send the invoice. I slept all afternoon and on into the evening, after coming home that is. Brain-exhausting work (not just for me, but possibly more so for me) plus the heat. Wow. On the way home, I was remembering how M would often sigh and groan about the heat. She would've been doing that for sure today. It was hot, it's true. But you just get on with it. We didn't have this kind of heat where I was growing up or where my parents are originally from, but even when I was growing up M was always complaining about the heat and almost revelling in the cold. It was just so tedious. Sighing and groaning about the heat today wouldn't have helped. I've learnt to tolerate it and to do what others here do to alleviate it (dress for it, drink water, wear sun hat etc) I head for the shade too but I just do it, I don't make a huge fuss. That's what M did: made a show of it, dominated the conversation with it and expected that everybody else would feel the same as her e.g. about the last of the sun in October, which is short-lived and not burning hot. Everybody had to agree with her and accept her chosen spot in the shade.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 22, 2020, 09:23:43 PM
Though still kind of tired from yesterday's work, I'm no longer soo tired. My brain no longer feels quite so foggy. I managed to teach today, though I did arrange for student to work on some things like a placement test which made the lesson easier for me. But that's OK. For various reasons he needed to use my computer for the test so why not as part of the lesson? I'd say I managed well allowing the lesson to go ahead, but arranging it to go easy on myself. Lesson doesn't have to be 120% perfect everytime.

As I wrote on 3 Good Things Today, I actually sat and relaxed in the garden, doing absolutely nothing but relaxing and enjoying! It's really rare that I do that because I'm always noticing something that needs to be done so I jump up again and do it and then find something else and keep going. Or neighbours are in the garden and I feel a bit on edge, or I have my Little Furries in the garden. They are in an outside pen but with the number of not quite reliable people using the garden or people with something against me (like other business neighbour and the mother of my other neighbour), I can't be totally sure they wouldn't try to get revenge and let the Little Furries out of their pen. A nightmare it would be to catch them again. So many places they could run off and hide and get lost.

I really hope nobody would ever do that, but who knows? The mother of the one neighbour sits in my space or uses my things and pretends she doesn't know those are my things. So with that kind of dishonesty going on, who knows what else she might do. B1 drops by in my mind. Because that's the kind of thing he did too. Pretend not to know I didn't want something done or pretend he couldn't help e.g. bumping into me but do it on purpose and then say "Oops!" and make a joke about it. I always used to learn in non-trauma-informed T that in a situation like our house and garden my fears are all projections because of my past. But they're not. My current T agrees with me there.

Today I feel as if I have a whole wave of energy to move forward on :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: I know it won't feel like this for ever but it's a really good feeling now so I'm noting it. Haven't felt like this for a long time. It won't be forever, but it might come at more frequent intervals. Even once - I'm not complaining.

Another good thing today: Memories are coming back. Good memories. Feel/sense/bit of sight/smell of me out in nature in both the countries I grew up in. These are the type of memories I lost a long time ago when FOO told me to 'forget those bad things that might have happened in the past and move on'. My tremendous effort in forgetting the bad also made me block out good memories. Some are coming back. :) :) :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 23, 2020, 04:26:15 AM
i agree with you, too, blueberry. those past memories come up from behind and grab us - it's not us projecting them onto the present (at least, i don't see it that way, either).  so very glad you're getting some of the good memories back.  you've inspired me to remember my nature memories from the past as well.  they were always good.  thanks.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 23, 2020, 11:37:53 AM
From this thread further back (July 26th) on my holiday plans:

There's an IC who likes to read, another who likes to do word puzzles - things I do often. There's another who likes to run barefoot through grass - don't do that often at all - and another who likes to wade in little rivers or even swim. Let's see, there's another part who likes to move to music or maybe two parts because there's an Inner Teen who does all kinds of moving in private and then there's an IC who likes to walk around or sway to nursery rhymes - so different kind of moves and taste in music altogether. There's also an IC who's embarrassed to like the traditional music of the country my parents come from. Needless to say FOO ridiculed me on that, but I can play some on the keyboard and I also have CDs but I have to be in the mood for it.

Then there would be holiday things for my adult. I like to swing and there are big adult hammock-like swings a half-day cycle away. I haven't used my better but more unusal bike for a while now. I need to get a new mirror for it but then using it or even my less good bike for going for little cycles other than to the farm - could be fun. No choir but I could sing again at home, just for me. Hymns too, they do me good.

I was going to write a bit about how much I've done, what other things I've done instead or could do instead but I've just been hit by a wave of exhaustion, so I'll deal later.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 23, 2020, 12:16:27 PM
So I checked out some nice photos of one of my home countries actually and feel less exhausted.

I have an inkling where the exhaustion came from: Sometimes even lists of Could Dos, even fun Could Dos, on top of all the  day-to-day jobs I have planned make me feel :fallingbricks:

I have done some of the fun things I mentioned above or elsewhere like wading in a river or even in the little man-made stream in my own street,  been out bare-foot in the garden, did the insect count several times. Today I took my breakfast down into the garden to eat in the late morning sun. Crossword puzzles and sudoku too. A few cycles, mostly on the way somewhere specific, but I can enjoy the activity and nature and seeing other people's gardens even while cycling somewhere specific. One evening I did go for a cycle with no specific destination though with a goal - to calm down after run-in with nighbour's mother. The cycle helped too, along with seeing nature and other people's gardens. Been listening and moving to nursery rhymes - that was needed by an IC after the aunt-I-didn't-have died.

Some realisations though: planning non-stop holiday fun and then going through with it might just not be the best thing for me, or even realistic. The unforeseen - like a death - may happen and did this time, bringing up memories,  mourning and opportunity for healing. Other opportunities for healing and/or EFs come when they will, even in the midst of holiday. That's often why I'm really best at home where I have all my supports and my safe or safer places. It's good that I have space atm for healing. And really I believe it's more important than an additional holiday activity. Anyway when an EF or other such situation drops by, I need to deal with it or sit with it or sleep through it, I can't simply do a holiday activity.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 24, 2020, 01:05:03 PM
Feeling exhausted today. After getting up very late and doing a few household chores as well as having breakfast in the garden, I felt like lying down. I didn't actually, I came into my office and got a couple of very small, easy tasks done.

As soon as the exhaustion hit, my ICr had a go at me: It's because you're too fat and have an unhealthy diet. I even still vaguely believe that. But NO! That's just one of FOO's diagnoses. The reason is far more likely to be emotional exhaustion due to healing on some subconscious level! I've been having weird dreams lately (a sign of things going on).

Some: people taking over and/or rearranging my garden bit till it's hardly recognisable as mine. A couple of nights ago I dreamt of seeing a beaver in a lake near the shore. I was watching it with a friend, then it came out of the water and came right up close to us, but especially to me. I was terrified but couldn't move, just clung onto my friend knowing she couldn't do anything either since beavers were new to her. The beaver had enormous teeth and was thumping around me with its tail. I knew I shouldn't be frightened because the beaver would smell my fear and attack. But shouldn't doesn't help with emotions, which I was aware of during the dream too. The dream ended or switched to something totally unrelated so the beaver didn't attack me in the end. I feel the fear in my gut while thinking about it. Don't know what the beaver represents, though I could try feeling into it later on today, maybe with my Imaginary Screen up.

ETA: I'm probably feeling exhausted due to not having written my interpreting bill yet or the other bill I really need to do before that. Idk if it's exhaustion at the thought or... Inner head is nodding - it's exhaustion at the thought, not exhaustion to prevent me doing it. So not something that 'trips me up' on purpose so I can't get something good that I deserve.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 25, 2020, 03:26:10 PM
I was going to go over and help somebody in his garden for a couple of hours - some easy job and then get some fruit for helping him but I'm covered in itches, my throat feels sore and I generally feel very under par. I moved my one and only student to Skype for 30 mins instead of 60, and a few minutes ago I managed to phone the fruit tree gardener to cancel that.

I often find it difficult to turn down when I've offered help, so bad that I sometimes don't even phone the farm. I just don't turn up after all. I didn't want to do that to the fruit tree guy though so I did manage to phone. In the course of that I figured out what makes contacting to turn down so difficult: it's shame. Me ashamed of not being able, ashamed to say "I'm ill again", ashamed that everything is just too much and that everything can become too much very easily and quickly. Realisations are helpful, they're a further step to healing.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 28, 2020, 03:34:35 PM
Felt a bit sick of things in past couple of days, especially sick of how quickly I get exhausted. Just one little thought and everything seems to come tumbling down :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

My thought was: because of Covid I really should have (there's that should again) hand sanitiser/disinfectant mounted on the wall in both my office and the shared office toilet, which doesn't have hand-washing facilities. This would also solve the problem of whoever it is who leaves at best water on the toilet seat since any of my students could use the disinfectant + toilet paper to clean up first. Pretty simple plan of action? Not for me. :fallingbricks: I am undoubtedly not helped by having 2 overdue bills to write and send - collect money due to me.

I came on the computer finally (late afternoon) to do a few business things, very small things, but then my energy zoomed away. However I did do a few non-business things: I finally had a bath and hairwash; I collected the cargo bike and went and bought pet supplies. Yesterday I put my FurBabies in the garden and did a bunch of clear-up in the garden, especially removing some of the plethora of very small stones (like fine gravel) and general garbage (bits of broken flower pot, charcoal, shards of glass...) which are constantly appearing in my flower beds. They actually mostly come up from deeper layers, either when I've been digging or are just brought up by ants churning away. It's not that people are throwing them onto my beds or anything. But I also did decide to cut back some plants and/or uproot some to stop spread. That's something that is often difficult for me to do when I'm feeling stuck. So it means I've got a little bit unstuck in private life, if not in my business life.

1 Good Thing: I recognised I was about to collapse this week - that's what my beginnings of a cold that weren't a cold after all told me: You need a break from everything. I acted on that fast and so I didn't get ill.  :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 28, 2020, 03:49:11 PM
honey, you're doing so much, no wonder you feel exhausted.  kudos to you for catching it before you got sick, and poo on that ICr who shames you for being who you are.  i like you just fine the way you are.  love and hugs, blueberry :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 29, 2020, 11:20:28 PM
You really think I'm doing a lot san? Wow. Ok. Will try and believe that.

I encouraged a friend to go on holiday this coming week for about 4 days. She then suggested I probably needed some real holiday away from home before school goes back too. She's probably partially correct except that I don't feel as if I had the wherewithal to organise it and go. Especially not in these Covid times because that would entail asking guest houses and thermal spas what their exact procedures are and how much they're sticking to the rules.

What often helps me most when I'm away is: having cleared, clean spaces around me, having somebody else making meals, having a little break from looking after my FurBabies, having nature round about and places within walking distance so that I don't have to think about whether I have enough energy to get on my bike or find the correct bus. What I'd most like to do is float around in some water, which I could do at the local spa if I simply booked a space.

In some of the recent conferences I've watched, they mentioned how curiosity is an important sign of healing. Idk if this is what they mean exactly, but in good phases I want to find out about new things, experience different things possibly using all senses, go new places (especially out in nature) or go to old places I like. In shakier phases like now I ask myself 'What the point is".

Well yesterday I went ahead and bought myself a little posy of flowers I like that refuse to grow in my garden. I chose and bought them at a Pick-Your-Own-Flowers place near the pet store so that in itself was a little trip into a colourful field and now I have them at home. What's the point? They look nice. I keep glancing at them and they cheer me up - not just the sight of them but also knowing that I actually went ahead and chose them and arranged them in a vase at home. There are often things where I have an impulse, I'd say a healthy one, and then I don't carry through with it. But this time I did! :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on August 30, 2020, 09:56:43 PM
I'm glad you bought yourself some flowers! I see you continuing to grow in your awareness of yourself and what you need for self care.  :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on August 30, 2020, 10:29:49 PM
Thank you notalone :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on August 31, 2020, 02:39:52 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you bought those flowers for yourself too.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 02, 2020, 10:38:33 PM
I'm in a depressive funk. With all the healing I've done, therapy I've had, I think the only thing I can do is decide that I want to be well or that I want to really live, live out my potential and then take steps towards that.

For some reason, I'm having trouble deciding on that. Having a lot of trouble with self-care and even with care of FurBabies.

It's good that I'm Modding temporarily because it gives me one thing I sort of have to do and which it seems I'm capable of actually going through with.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 02, 2020, 10:55:52 PM
you know, blueberry, battling ICr, going against it, doing something, like phoning cuz it's the right thing to do, having one realization after another, looking after yourself by canceling something, noticing that your body is speaking to you, working in the garden, bringing your furbabies outside for some fresh air - these may seem like little things, but quite honestly, i see all these things you listed, one more and one more and one more . . .as doiong a lot.  so, yes, i hope you can believe it.  i think that if you saw it in me, you would feel the same way as i do about what/how much you've been doing.  don't sell yourself short.

going into a funk after therapy and healing - sometimes i think we're just not used to the energy taken to do those things, and don't quite know how to manage ourselves afterwards.  that stuff is exhausting!  it's ok to let your brain and mind rest for a bit, just let yourself be.  this is hard work we're doing.  if it were physical work of that caliber, our muscles would be too sore to do the same level of energy they put out for it, and they'd need to rest, too.

sending love and a hug filled with peace of mind. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 03, 2020, 10:26:25 PM
Thank you san. Atm I'm not really taking it onboard, except that I agree I'd probably see the progress in somebody else, just not in me.  :thumbdown:

Today I went ahead and bought some icecream and then I ate it all. That was not healthy. But the good thing was that for the first time when mindlessly eating I felt into what was going on while I was eating it. The answers are pretty disastrous really. No, it didn't taste particularly good, I didn't like it being cold (!), I didn't really feel anything. It was a habit more than anything else. It's a habit which leads to me not being able to do anything else while eating. This time and other times too eating ice cream and bread (don't ask) made me so full that I felt incapable of doing anything else afterwards so lay down on my sofa and dozed though there are tons of things to be done or rather were tons of things to be done. It's now approaching midnight.

So mindlessly eating is an avoidance tactic. Or at least that's one big reason behind it. There may be more. But this is the one I have been able to grasp now. It's not really that surprising because that's one of the reasons I ate as a child. Looking further into the work I've been doing with my T in the past couple of weeks: What can strengthen me so that I don't feel?/think? my only recourse is avoidance? Today in therapy we came up with the idea of my M's friend in my childhood, the one who recently died, being simply there for me the way she was when I was a child.

I did conjure up her image before eating icecream and before disappearing off to my sofa again but I consciously decided for what seemed easiest, which was the unhealthy. But I know that one of the qualities of this family friend is that she is forgiving, she doesn't hold things against you and rant on about "it's all your fault. It's too late now, you can never change. Make one mistake or one bad decision and it's for life". No. That's all FOO thoughts (and still mine too when applied to myself). This family friend isn't like that. Her very presence in my mind is reminding me that I did feel into the situation at all and that was a step forward :cheer: And that I conjured up her picture of how Little Blueberries remember her, thereby pushing out FOO voices :cheer: All steps forward. Having done them once, it'll be easier another time. And probably also easier another time to do tasks without feeling the need to avoid them. No need to avoid, no need to eat icecream or chocolate or whatever beforehand.

It's also good that I wrote about this at all here :cheer: :cheer: I came on earlier to write this but felt too ashamed to write for various reasons e.g. it's such an easy answer why didn't I come up with it before? Compared to what everybody else is going through on the forum atm this is chickenfeed :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:

One: it may be simple and straightforward, but it's definitely not easy for me, otherwise I would have had these realisations earlier. In fact, Bingo! Just realised it's possible reconnecting with a forgiving, motherly energy from my childhood has been what has made it possible for me to remember that eating was an avoidance tactic. Otherwise the memory might have sent me reeling, as realisations and memories that seem like 'not much' often do.

They may seem like 'not much' but that's trauma for you. Not logical, not rational that I feel thrown off course by these types of memories but it's just the way it is. Now after writing all that out, things are much clearer for me, much clearer than when I started.

The other thing I felt when eating icecream is fear, worry. This fear is that once I know what is behind eating icecream etc I won't have an excuse to eat icecream anymore. 'Not knowing' / ignorance is an excuse. Once I actually know, then no excuses. However just thinking about what I've written already, this rationale is bogus. Possibly some ICr. from way back in the past or possibly more recently.

Now I realise being open to these thoughts, realisations, and making changes in my mind is/was way more important than going on holiday or even teaching people I didn't feel capable of teaching, or cleaning or anything. In fact i possibly come to these sorts of realisations only when I've been at some sort of rockbottom for a while. My T has said before that what didn't work is the interesting thing in therapy, so no shame in talking about it.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 04, 2020, 03:59:23 AM
my dear blueberry, i totally relate.  just like w/ my smoking, doing something that's easier if not healthier.  no judgment here.  you're doing what you can to make it thru the day (by the by, bread is a biggie for me, too).

please, be as gentle as possible w/ yourself.  you deserve compassion and acceptance rather than what you've gotten in the past.  i'm glad you have someone who at least you can picture as being caring to you.  as you keep going, i don't doubt she and what she did for you will begin translating to what you can do for yourself.  love and hugs  :bighug:  sending a gentle embrace to bring you into a better place for you.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 04, 2020, 10:51:32 PM
As I sometimes do, I was reading the earlier part of this Journal. I see how far I've come so I now feel more upbeat. I remind myself of things like remembering to do my breathing exercises, but also when I'm sliding around the way I am atm (past few days), it's probably because I'm in a multi-layered EF. So beneficial to be gentle with myself and not use my ICr voice. Also there's a reminder back there of focussing on my successes and not all on what I should/could be doing.

Successes today: Had a bath and washed my hair; went to somebody else's garden and picked some fruit; asked a few other people if they wanted any; delivered some; washed some dishes; made myself tea and drank it; stocked the FurBabies up on hay and attended to the pets I'm pet-sitting; took the time to sit there and stroke one of them;
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 05, 2020, 02:53:39 AM
a great list of successes, blueberry.  well done :thumbup:  love and hugs to you :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on September 05, 2020, 02:54:49 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 05, 2020, 02:53:39 AM
a great list of successes, blueberry.  well done :thumbup:  love and hugs to you :hug:

:yeahthat:    Hug from me too.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 05, 2020, 05:45:17 PM
Thank you both!  :) :hug: :hug:

The big success I forgot to write about was: a few days ago I finally wrote that bill https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=6316.msg104663#msg104663

After doing that, I didn't feel anything. With my head, I knew it was good that I'd finally done it, but feelings? :Idunno: :Idunno:

_____________________________

Today instead of eating sugar, I'm eating cheese. That isn't any better; cheese is a substitute for something. My homework would be to try and feel while I'm eating cheese what it's doing for me. And then sometime try and feel in advance.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 05, 2020, 06:24:32 PM
good luck with your homework, blueberry.  that's quite a process to go through, to my mind.  i don't know, and i'm not saying anything neg. against it.  just the idea of being so introspective about feelings sounds like a lot to me.  maybe it's cuz of the state i'm in, where i'm not feeling much of anything, either.  like i've put it all on hold.

anyway, congrats on getting that bill finished and out of your way.   :cheer:

you're making progress, tho, and that's never a bad sign, right?  slowly, surely, wins the race, even if we splatter mud about sometimes.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2020, 08:34:54 AM
Hi Blueberry,
:cheer: for the fact you finally wrote that bill.  That is great!  Do you think the feelings will follow eventually, or do you think they won't surface?  I just wondered - please disregard if that's not something you want to consider or reply to.  I just wondered.

What you wrote about food, it's interesting.  It's provoking thought amongst my own parts, as I'm also considering my relationship with food at the moment.  Sugar and cheese, quite different foods, but the effect could be similar or different. 

Sending you a hug, and also love  :hug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 07, 2020, 11:31:56 PM
I haven't actually got any further with feeling into food issues. Possibly it's too early or just too difficult at a time when I'm hardly grounded anyway. In fact, I bought myself something fairly junky today so that I would at least eat something other than non-stop garden fruit.

Hope, I don't think the feelings will follow for that particular bill but maybe in the future at a similar kind of moment they'll come back up. Thank you for your support and love and hugs. It makes me feel quite emotional. This is a point in group therapy where Ts would say to me: "Stop. Feel it. Stay with it. Don't rush on with your head about other things." So I'm stopping to feel it and to feel support from others, like the deceased friend of my mother's and her daughter, my childhood friend. And then back to feeling it from you again, Hope. You're giving it unconditionally, whatever state I'm in and whatever I'm doing to myself. You too, san.

Atm I'm feeling shame about all sorts. I know I can write that here and nobody will say "Correct, you should feel ashamed of yourself." or: "I would too. Why can't you get your act together?" Not that I would ever think that about anybody else on here, but about myself, yes. But others on here don't say that to me! Just those (imagined) toxic voices from FOO.

A good while ago in T, I said something like I have to look at these things or keep working on them - something like that. My T said that I don't actually. Plenty of people don't. It's a choice. Which is sort of good and bad. It is reality. Nobody is forcing me to go to T or try and change and heal. It's good I suppose because 'have to', 'should' etc just make me rebel and do nothing but it's bad because in order to heal or even just leave my present slump and go back to trying to find small joys in life, I need to become active in the sense of at least making a decision to get back on the path... If need be, keep re-making this decision every hour or every day.

I attempted to write a Highly Recommended/Could list for tomorrow. For Highly Rec, I got down meds 1 + 2, get up and stay up. But balked at writing Meds 3 + vit D., so they went on Could list. Yet taking Meds 3 would really help me get back on track and get structured again. I was surprised otoh that there was no internal rebellion at having 'stay up' on my Highly Rec. list. So that's the kind of state I'm in atm.

I am reading other people's posts atm but hardly responding because it's too much effort for me. Sorry.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 10, 2020, 11:04:18 AM
Today in T on a phone call because somehow medical conference call system not functioning properly, we worked on CSA. That in itself is progress because a few months ago my T suggested we maybe work on CSA next time I'm back in his office rather than doing it via video call and now we started on it just via phone :thumbup:

Anyway unusually for me I managed to write about lots of the session in my paper Journal right after the session. What's happened since writing all that: the cold in my knees which was followed by ache and then a wobbly feeling has now been replaced by a feeling that I have bubbles in my right knee joint. That does mean that my knee still feels a bit wobbly but it also feels as if something is being released and/or will be released in a good way!

It's fitting too because in the work we did today there was a lot of movement and impulse to release from my guts and later even from further down. 'from further down' is in itself progress. In T or when practising on my own I've often felt a channel or maybe more like a fairly wide tube running up and down between my throat and my guts through which sensations and emotions or even images and plain old breath can flow but this is afaik the first time in my decades long therapy process when there has been a connection right down into the base of my spine or more accurately a bit further towards the front of my anatomy. It's certainly the first time with my present therapist, so first time in 5 years, first time since starting qualified one-on-one trauma T  :thumbup: :applause: Huge progress. I'm even starting to feel tears behind my eyes, at the amount of progress maybe. I have an impulse to use the cheerleader symbol combined with that feeling like an inappropriate symbol for anything to do with CSA.

:cheer: I've added it now because it went on to feel as if it's shame holding me back from using it. Like - 'how can you possibly use a cheerful, frivolous (OK, that last word is definitely my ICr. speaking) symbol when talking about something so serious as CSA?' Up pops an image of M (the one who did CSA) opining that if I can use the cheerleader symbol then 'obviously' no CSA happened, obviously my allegations are false. I'm putting M right behind an imaginary bullet-proof glass screen from which she cannot escape, and I'm now adding F, B1, B2 in fact the whole of extended FOO - uncles, aunts, grandparents (g'parent generation all deceased), cousins, even little nieces and nephews and long-term family friends of g'parent generation, they are all going behind the darkened bullet-proof glass screen which is chained to a wall and now expanded sideways to hold them all away from me. B2 has just escaped and it's time the SILs went back there too. So, just repeating the imagination process and adjusting further to reduce size of B2 behind screen, to make him less dangerous. (If anybody is interested that's Screen Processing in progress!)

Huge progress! It's totally legitimate to celebrate a big forward step in CSA healing  with :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: M is totally and completely off with her insinuations about CSA 'obviously' not having happened. So is F who has just turned up to support M. That's just typical FOO logic or rather 'logic', denial, gaslighting and attempt at brain-washing.

ETA (for myself as much as anybody):
a little bit more progress occurred while I was writing here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13773.0
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on September 10, 2020, 12:14:38 PM
That's huge, Blueberry! A big Well Done, a :hug:, and a well-deserved :cheer: (which is completely legitimate)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 11, 2020, 08:05:38 PM
Thank you Snowdrop!  :) :hug:

_______________________________
Today I knew I needed to do activities that would help ground me and keep me grounded: non-strenuous and simple physical activity. Basically household and garden. There's a better energy flow in me atm so cleaning and tidying are easier than they often are. I did well in taking little breaks throughout the day when I felt I needed one. At some point I lay down on my back, listened to calming music and relaxed into sleep for a longer break. I woke up quite refreshed. That doesn't often work but today I knew it would. I also did well feeling that trying to do some office work in the morning like contracts and bills wasn't a good plan so I didn't do that till early evening.

All in all doing quite well today :cheer: I got a lot done off my Highly Recommended + Could lists. The only thing is: it's pretty late for my evening meal, but I do need it. Too hungry to just go to bed without eating, I wouldn't fall asleep. That's something to work on: making time during the day to have my main meal instead of keeping on going with jobs. Cooking or other meal preparation tends to take longer and use up more energy than it 'should' so I put it off a bit, also in case I'm incapable of continuing any of my chores afterwards, which happens too unfortunately.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 15, 2020, 04:59:27 PM
I am sooo tired. It just came on. I would like to eat sugar or lie down and doze. I'm meant to be going to choir practice in 45 minutes. Just dozed off in front of the computer in fact and been woken up by a dog barking outside, not remembering where I was or anything.

Part of me does want to go to choir practice but at least one part of me is so, so tired. Trying to feel what's going on makes me want to fall asleep. I'm meant to be going to choir practice reminds me of 'should' which is never good. Do I want to go? No. I do want to sing, even in a group, even in the choir but I don't want to go to practice. (Just feeling all that rn). So: I presume there's something (or somebody) triggering at choir practice. Inner Head nods. And I doze off again at the computer. It has been really pretty hot today, especially for Sept., which probably hasn't been helping my urge to lie down and rest, and maybe fall asleep.

Somebody was clattering about outside my office windows today while I was teaching. It was quite distracting so I opened the window to ask what was going on and discovered somebody measuring things. Apparently, ll intends to get major work done in the attic and then add balconies at the back of the building. (Why that involves measuring my office windows at the front of the building is anybody's guess). With both of those going on, there will be scaffolding at the front and back of the building. I notice how unsettling that feels. Unsettling is then triggering, in my case.

That really feels like enough for today: discovering how unsettling the latter feels and that that triggers; feeling the dilemma re: choir practice and knowing that cognitive ideas like: "oh, you should just go" aren't helpful. I also had a bath and hairwash this early afternoon. It took me till 12 noon to leave the house to go and do that. Bath (or even worse shower) and hair wash are so difficult that I put them off for days, then hours. I remember my T saying that doing therapy homework is not like training for a marathon but rather just to keep the ball rolling in T and in healing. My ball is definitely rolling. No stress, no pressure (on self)!
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 15, 2020, 10:17:04 PM
"I would like to eat sugar or lie down and doze." I did both. Well, ate sugary somethings not just spoonfuls of it. Then went to sleep for 2 hours. No choir practice.

I think after my doze I just needed time to do 'not very much'. It was way too late to go to choir practice anyway, but even if it hadn't been, choir practice involves work. Yes, it's a hobby, but I work on improving; my muscles are working, my breathing is working and psychologically there's often quite a bit going on too beyond what might be happening as a result of concentrating on breathing. My tiredness before choir practice that has always sometimes resulted in me not going at all is probably self-protective. Possibly more prevalent or at least more readily recognisable by me atm because I'm feeling more into my body, bit by bit. In fact, the topic: how can I exercise without causing myself constant exhaustion is on the cards for T quite soon. The answer will of course not be the usual "start slow, don't do too much" etc. This will be something that goes way deeper.

The past week or so when I've been moderating again, I noticed an interesting phenomenon. After I stopped moderating, I forgot so many of the rules so fast! A mbr on here not realised I had stopped moderating, sent me a pm question and I remember my response went along the lines of "I honestly can't remember." So then I have been so surprised that almost as soon as I was back moderating, I remembered the rules e.g. what kind of links can be posted etc.

That combined with how I report posts made me think that when I'm being Moderator, I'm displaying / practising hypervigilance and that that is probably tiring for me, even to the point of being exhausting (not to mention for my fellow Mods  ;)  ), but as soon as I stop Modding, I can at least turn the hypervigilance off and use the energy elsewhere. Well, it makes sense in my feelings anyway, even if I might not be explaining myself so well.

In work or other contexts, this hypervigilance may be seen as "great attention to detail :thumbup:", "overly picky", "indecisive", even "argumentative" or otherwise pretty negative especially from colleagues.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2020, 10:52:12 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 16, 2020, 09:15:24 AM
Thanks san :)

I'm pleasantly surprised to be back on my feet and already have done a whole bunch of things this morning. I even woke up and got up before my alarm! :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: owl25 on September 16, 2020, 10:35:09 AM
Quotethis hypervigilance may be seen as "great attention to detail :thumbup:", "overly picky", "indecisive", even "argumentative"

Do I ever relate to this. I haven't seen it summarized like this before. It does get exhausting.

Nice you had a productive morning already  :thumbup:

Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 16, 2020, 05:34:59 PM
Quote from: owl25 on September 16, 2020, 10:35:09 AM
Quotethis hypervigilance may be seen as "great attention to detail :thumbup:", "overly picky", "indecisive", even "argumentative"

Do I ever relate to this. I haven't seen it summarized like this before.

Well, I'm sorry you can relate but glad I'm not alone in it. I'd only just felt into it all before I wrote, so it's maybe no surprise you'd never seen it listed that way before. That might be the 'joy' of cptsd, you can feel into something totally new that nobody else has felt into before, your very own particular brand of cptsd. Ha ha ha. It's not a joy of course.

_______________________

Yes, I had a productive morning, but my afternoon was not outwardly productive. I slept for about 3 hours and then ate cheese. Fortunately my afternoon student cancelled.

I have other choir practice this evening. I feel less allergic to it, that is to say I feel less exhausted when I think of it than when I was thinking of yesterday's practice, but I'm still feeling the urge to curl up into a little ball. So I'm not going to go. Maybe in the next few weeks I can feel into what is so exhausting. And then see whether or not I can go back or want to go back. I think though that I'll extend my break from it till the end of the year and see what happens. I just feel there's so much going on (externally but mostly internally I think).
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 16, 2020, 10:14:10 PM
I slept a good few hours in the evening too then bought myself 2 different packets of chocolatey what-nots, ate one up and almost all the second one. While doing that, I did some colouring in. I don't think I've ever done them together before, but considering I was bound to eat that chocolatey stuff, it's good that I also did some colouring in. I haven't done that for months though I have had the impulse on occasion. So finally today :cheer: even though still exhausted despite second long nap.

My feeling is that after having eaten up all those sweet things, I had energy and was able to get on with a whole load of jobs: washed a huge stack of dishes and then got on with making soup from scratch which meant frying up the meat for the stock and then washing and chopping up all the veg and potatoes, then throwing them altogether to cook up my soup. Bring it to the boil again tomorrow and it will  be ready for eating, giving me a nutritious meal for several days :thumbup: And I made use of all the ingredients I had instead of letting them go to waste by not cooking them :thumbup:

However I now question whether the sweet things gave me energy. It certainly felt that way and it's not the first time, but I'm wondering what part (age or aspect) of me was comforted enough by them to give me that release of energy and/or the ability to get back into an Adult part of me who is happy to and capable of making soup from scratch. I know that a T's next question might be: "What else can provide comfort and release of energy?" Idk. In fact I remember telling a T in inpatient group therapy that if I knew the answers to all the questions he was asking, I wouldn't even be there! ;D He wasn't too happy, but I get easily triggered by questions of those sort. My T may very well not ask that tomorrow. He might agree with me that it's a step all on its own for me being able to feel enough to question whether the sweet things gave me energy or whether they gave me something else that enabled the energy to be released. What might this other thing be?

However I want to write a list of topics for the next few T sessions. I have only 5 left. Although my T did mention last time that I might be able to get an extension again... I think this means that he can vouch for the process I'm in, that I'm finally making really great strides and having got me this far e.g. with eating disorder and CSA - topics that I have been unwilling and unable to broach for 5 years - it would be a real shame for me to have to stop again, find a new T, go through all the trust issues until able to broach eating disorder and CSA. I would like to be able to heal as much as possible now. Anyway, I'll see what my T says tomorrow. My energy has disappeared again... Oh well, I really need to make my FurBabies' accommodation nice and dry and clean again before I go to bed, I even want to for their sake. I will have the energy for that.

I feel good about the big pot of soup I made. It's the second one in max. 3 weeks, it will taste good and all the ingredients in it except the peppercorns are own provenance. Not from my garden, but not bought either. The meat and most of the veg is from the farm, the broccoli from a market stall throwaway box where I get stuff for the FurBabies but sometimes for me too, the green beans are from the private garden in town where I can get fruit till December.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on September 18, 2020, 12:13:25 PM
Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug, and hope that your session with your T goes ok today  :hug:
I relate to what you said about sweet things providing energy and comfort, and I also wonder about the function of eating things like that for myself. 

Your big pot of soup sounds like it's nutritious and delicious. 

:hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 18, 2020, 01:49:09 PM
Hi Hope,

My soup is nutritious but not totally delicious - alright, but something missing from the taste. But nonetheless it's good I made it from scratch. It might be better today too, after I've boiled it up again.

Making something like that gives me a sense of purpose. And then having procured all the ingredients except the peppercorns without buying them makes me feel a sense of agency. Even though I didn't grow the potatoes and veg myself, the fact that I get all of them has to do with the connections I have made with people in my town /area and are even connected to people liking me!

My T session was really good, really useful in explaining things to me that I'd wondered about and which my T was able to confirm and further explain for me. e.g. about exhaustion, about my allergy to sport, why taking a break from choir till January makes perfect sense for the stage of healing I'm at. We didn't actually really work on anything, but explanations from time to time can be very helpful for me. My T is also going to apply for a further extension for me. He knows what to write and in 99% of cases his applications go through. Even apparently in long-drawn out cases like mine.

I didn't sleep much of the night for some reason, but then allowed myself to sleep right on into the afternoon. I still feel sleepy though I have been outside briefly, running a few errands. I "should" do a few business things but possibly it would be better alround for me to go and do some garden work that needs doing and do the business stuff tomorrow. The garden work being outside is certainly more appealing! And is likely to combat sleepiness better than me sitting at the computer.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 22, 2020, 08:22:39 PM
I have the feeling I'm doing zero atm, just stalling. Well on Mon earlyish I cleaned the office toilet and that was so exhausting for whatever reasons that I did nothing else that day and today hasn't been much better. I did finally send a payment reminder notice - which tends to be really difficult for me - and taught one student. And  a few things like that.  :cheer: on the payment reminder notice.

On Saturday late evening I discovered I was simply lonely but it was too late to contact anybody by phone. Sunday I was at a demonstration, in fact part of the group of organisers. It went well, lots of people came, we were all on bikes which makes me feel good anyway. Afterwards our little group of organisers went off to an outdoors café where I haven't been since the virus got going. It felt good to be in the group again, even just sitting about listening instead of alone at home doing crossword puzzles.

Today I feel like throwing in the towel work-wise but I do now know that when I'm in that kind of mood that it's an EF and not worth acting on at all. Just hide in bed if need be and wait for it to pass.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 23, 2020, 04:01:46 PM
I was stalling because I was having trouble moving on, still am in fact. I did however make a couple of work-related decisions today, particularly finally accepting an offer on the next phase of my advertising, though it involves spending more money than I had originally envisioned. Not that the guy is particularly expensive, it's just that I hadn't realised what it might cost. Some of this is investments I 'ought' to have made years and years ago, but I simply couldn't.

No new students at  the start of the school year makes me nervous, though I do have students from last year still coming. But no new ones always makes me nervous, though it's actually very good there are no new ones because my head is all disorganised and in this state I'm not good at preparing lessons or carrying through with them, staying compos mentis and on track, or even writing up new contracts or looking presentable for new students and/or their parents. So that's when I need to remind myself: this state of affairs is good atm.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 23, 2020, 06:18:53 PM
sounds similar to my d and hoping for editing clients.  self-employed is such a stressful way to live - always waiting and wondering if you'll get enough clients to make the rent.  nerve-wracking, indeed!  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 24, 2020, 04:37:40 PM
Thanks san :hug: Self-employed is also the only possible way for me. I have too many issues going on when employed by others. I also know self-employed people who don't have any of my problems who get nervous and fidgety when there isn't much coming in. However, calmer self-employed people say to make the most of these times to regroup and recoup.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 25, 2020, 10:59:55 PM
This evening I sat at the computer trying to write homework for a student for about 3 hours. I did manage bit by bit, but really it shouldn't have taken 3 hours. Then I attempted to write a contract which has to be somewhat different from other contracts; I gave up on that. Maybe tomorrow. I answered a query from somebody on my professional association website looking for somebody doing my languages for a client of hers. I'm often so totally unsure what to write in the hope that she might choose me. Oh well.

I answered another query a few days ago but I didn't get the job.

One of the people I was teaching the local language to is going to evening classes as of next week because they are finally running again. They tested him and found that he has not only completed the level I was supposedly teaching him but he can bypass the level above that too. That is not all my work, but it will be in part due to me. I don't feel anything though.

There are a lot of things I should or could be writing other than homework or contracts. Oh, there's that 'should' again. Mostly emails and maybe even things I could be writing on here which would probably help me to become unstuck. But sometimes - well, often atm - I wonder what is the point?

I kind of miss working at the farm but I don't miss cycling up there or worse having to start work at 6am.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: rainydiary on September 26, 2020, 02:03:13 AM
Blueberry - this reflection about paperwork and feelings related to student success really resonated with me.  I could picture myself in my similar roles in the place you were.  I am often struck by the subtle ways CPTSD and my old ways of coping sneak into things I am doing.  What I heard in your last line is missing things that have clear beginnings and ends so that you know when you are "done" and can see the results of your effort. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 26, 2020, 10:58:37 AM
Thank you rainydiary. That's helpful in letting me work out what's going on a bit better.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on September 29, 2020, 08:02:41 AM
I was reading back in my Paper Journals after doing everything to avoid that e.g. crossword puzzles, sleeping, not getting up etc etc and I see how many methods I've been taught to combat whatever it is or work with whatever it is and I am simply not using these methods. otoh my T reminded me just last session to be kind to myself and not criticise myself for slacking, in fact not even call it that.

I have a terrible headache. I don't want to cancel teaching again but after tossing my cookies to put it politely I realised that I have to. My traumatised student is sick today too, so that fits at least.

I'm cold as well. Something is wrong with my gas water-heater. I'm swithering between getting somebody in myself to check it out or asking ll. It is ll's job but I know ll is going to fight it and I don't feel up to the fight.  :fallingbricks: T has said before that in his opinion I shouldn't back down, I should take this kind of stuff to ll. Oh, there's that should again.

I just wish somebody who is on my side would come in and take over. It's a vain wish though. I'm the only one who can get things moving again. In the past when I felt like this, I'd go on one of those long-weekend retreat-therapy things. Well, Corona rules that out but so did my last experience at one of those weekends.

It could be my ICs calling out for help but Adult me doesn't feel up to dealing.

I also realised that reading on the forum is too much for me again. I read about how badly some others are doing and/or what they're all facing and I end up comparing myself negatively, even though I know it's not helpful to me or them.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on September 29, 2020, 10:24:36 AM
Hi Blueberry,
I hope your headache gets better soon.  I'm glad that your T reminded you to be kind to yourself, and I also hope  you will be too.  I am trying to be kind to myself today, as well.  Not sure how well I'm managing it yet, but it's my plan.
I hope you are able to get warm, and that your gas water-heater can be sorted out. 
Sending you a hug  :hug:  Wish a virtual hug could literally warm someone up...
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on September 30, 2020, 02:08:53 AM
 :grouphug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 01, 2020, 04:33:30 AM
Thank you notalone and Hope :grouphug: Yes I wish  :hug: :hug: on here were warming too. The best I can do is imagine they are.

I was reading more back in my paper Journal and seeing partially just how much I've been looking at, realising and dealing with in T. No wonder I needed some time to regroup. So I realise now this morning that I'm coming back out of an EF.

Yes, I also saw lots of methods my T has practised with me and shown me but I no longer feel bad for not practising them as much as I think I 'should'. There's that 'should' again. Because I often apologise for not having done (enough) homework and my T regularly reminds me to try for more self-acceptance and that homework he gives me is just to keep the ball rolling so to speak and not to add pressure. The ball is definitely rolling atm and has been for weeks and months now.

What I did start doing in the night though was reading some of my books on resilience as an aid to healing from trauma and then doing some of the workbook questions. That's what really brought me back out of my EF. So I want to concentrate more on resilience and resilience-building in the next while. I think I may do more of that in my paper Journal and of course just hands-on, real life, rather than on here.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2020, 06:40:33 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 01, 2020, 08:21:37 PM
Successes today:
1) I contacted ll, well his secretary, and she managed to organise a heating installation worker to come and look at my hot-water heater within the space of 3 hours. He did get it going again but said it needs massive internal cleaning and other maintenance which hasn't been done since I moved in here about 15 years ago and possibly not beforehand either. Unfortunately the secretary wouldn't agree to me setting up an appointment asap for the heating installation company to do that, I have to wait till ll is back from his holiday. Within about 6 hours, the hot-water heater went back to its non-functioning / light blinking (at least it's not dangerous in anyway, the installation worker assured me on that point). I emailed the secretary right away, though it was after office hours. I will get onto her tomorrow morning though. So that's all really good! Well-managed, no EFs, I'm sticking up for my rights, and I was quite relieved that I didn't have to fight for the first inspection at least.

2) Between contacting ll's secretary and the arrival of the heating maintenance worker, I went over to a friend's for a bath and hair wash. After that I felt so much better that I even changed out of my trackpants and into jeans at least and added a colourful scarf round my neck. When I manage to wear more colour or get changed into something more decent, then it helps me continue to move back out of the EF and/or not slip back in. otoh I always have to wait till I'm far enough out of my EF to be able to add a bit of colour. Today it worked though! :cheer:

3) When a student of mine came back from the business toilet (I share with the tailor) with tales of a flooded floor (I think just water, not worse but still wet!!), I decided that is enough!! This student is a 13 yo boy, not a really picky lady or anything and it's the second time he's faced something like that in the less than year he has been coming. I've had enough of the tailor's lying and gaslighting and even yelling and his point-blank refusal to clear up his mess in and around the toilet. This isn't just a cleaning issue - your turn, my turn - it's the issue that I really need to check the toilet everytime a student asks to go, which isn't even that often, just to make sure it's fit for use! I don't always check though for various reasons. And I shouldn't have to!!! So that's enough. I'm going to make an official complaint to my ll (just what I need when there's an issue with my apartment heating, but they're both legitimate issues and ll needs to deal!). I've already taken the first steps - telling today's student I'm going to complain and mentioning I'll talk to his grandparents and see if they could write an annoyed letter to my ll on their grandson's behalf. Because I need witnesses other than me to sway ll and not have him gaslighting me too. Another student (female and definitely picky on the hygiene front) has complained before so I contacted her too to ask for exact complaints and if I could try and get a letter from her parents. She agreed to both bits. And I've asked a third student who I haven't heard back from yet, but that might well come tomorrow.  :thumbup: :cheer: :cheer: No cringeing from me today :cheer:

4) Contacted another couple of students about coming back again this year or just back after my few days' EF that was so bad i couldn't teach
5) Done a few admin bits and pieces that I wasn't able to do even this morning
6) Taught 2 students

7) Contacted the guy who's doing the next bit of my business advertising to suggest a small change but otherwise accept his proposal - with the feeling it's quite simply time I had decals etc in my windows and the exact wording, colouring, symbols etc are not really, really important. This is really quite a bit of progress! Not even progress I've been through and am repeating now, but real first-time progress! :cheer:

8 ) Dealt with a further house issue today. Our recycled paper bin has gone awol. I've been waiting for somebody else to maybe deal with it. I mean other people knew I was ill (the EF looked like illness to them) and I know they knew the bin was missing because they were piling papers on the floor. So finally one knocked on my office door this evening to inquire. I got him as far as asking somebody else in the house to deal with it - he tried the tailor to no avail but then he met one of the other people coming in the door and got her to admit there was a problem and say she'd deal (the question in her case is when? but we'll see). And I got him as far as admitting that he knocks at my door a) because I am quite simply there (although the tailor is too) and b) because I usually act or at least give some pertinent, sensible information or suggestion, which can't be said for anybody else in the building. And I also got him to see that there's a difference between me either dealing directly with a problem myself or knocking round doors in the building or getting ll onto it to the benefit of everybody in the building versus me doing any of the above for a problem in my own office or apartment. He really understood more intensely that that is why I refused to help him when he had recently moved in: everybody asks me or just simply expects me to deal with their problems and house problems. I'm not a janitor! So it's when he finally understood that that he said he'd ask the tailor and then asked somebody else in the building. Before that he said "OK, I don't care either. ll was really difficult about my apartment. Nobody else does anything in the building, I'm not doing anything either."

All very long-winded but it's good for me that I wrote it out. I imagine that the work I did in the night on resiliency and that kind of thing gave me all this energy to deal with the whole onslaught today without cringeing, getting back into bed, feeling small etc. etc
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Snowdrop on October 01, 2020, 08:34:15 PM
I'm reading your last post and looking impressed. Action! Boundaries! Progress! Well done, Blueberry. :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on October 02, 2020, 01:16:18 AM
Way to go, Blueberrry, getting so much done and sticking up for yourself.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 02, 2020, 09:11:47 AM
Thank you both :) :hug: for validating! After some regrouping and recouping, I'm moving forwards again and not just with one thing either :cheer: Things are really moving!

As a follow-up to yesterday's Success no. 1, I didn't even have to get on to the secretary this morning, my email of last night did the trick! The heating maintenance company phoned me up and is ordering the necessary electrodes. They still haven't been given the official go-ahead, but they will be when ll himself is back from his holiday (otherwise they wouldn't be ordering. They know ll.) Anybody on here who has read my previous posts on ll will know that the events of the past few days mark a change on ll's attitude and behaviour towards me. :cheer: Maybe not forever, maybe in fact quite probably there will be other things I'll have to fight for that are technically my right. But I'm feeling less nervous, less cowed and small and frightened. :cheer: My T will be overjoyed at this and rn might say "See, you've gone right onto the next step without needing to do any intermediary homework."

And as a follow-up to Success no. 3, the additional adult student I asked for a statement on the mess on the business toilet is happy to provide me with one.

Seeing Success no. 5 reminds me of another small admin. issue that I need to do, have the wherewithall to do and will do today! When the wherewithal is there, it's good for me to act. And it's certainly something that's good to just do and then file than add to another pile of 'waiting to be done' and then the recipient having to send reminder emails in the next months. There is an additional recipient I need to inform but I notice the wherewithal for that is not yet there, so no pressure. Deal with first recipient and then see. So, that is Today's Success no. 1 :cheer:

Today's Success no. 2 (earlier chronological order): I went to bed really late 'last night' - it was this morning - and I did my resiliency exercises before going to sleep. ie. I wrote a little list of Joys and a little list of Things to be Thankful for in my paper Journal :cheer: and I really think it's paying off already! :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on October 02, 2020, 11:44:29 AM
 :cheer:  So many successes, that is great. 
:hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 03, 2020, 04:14:33 PM
Thank you Hope :) :hug:

Today one of my students said one of the things she really appreciates is my 'cheerleading' - being positive, pointing out to my students where they're making progress and how important that particular step is etc -  so I thought of  :cheer: right away. I do it for myself, for my students and in a certain way for my pets :)  When I started out on the forum I liked the look of  :cheer: right away but had to overcome various ICr statements in order to use it.

So I taught one student today though it's Saturday. I was catching up from last week. Otherwise it has been a very slow, restful day. I accept that I need that kind of day today. :thumbup: The weather forecast for this afternoon was pouring rain. Actually it was  :sunny: :sunny: so after teaching I went and stood in the garden in the sun, simply enjoying the warmth. A concrete, beneficial step. 

I managed to not reply to another client's email that doesn't need a reply before Mon. am.  :cheer: ie. I put my own needs first. :thumbup:

I did my resiliency exercises before sleep and even wrote a Highly Recommended/Could list. Highly Rec. helped me take my meds this morning :thumbup: 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Three Roses on October 03, 2020, 04:17:35 PM
I really like that you chose to respond to your client's email on Monday.  :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 05, 2020, 02:49:53 PM
i'm gonna join in with a  :cheer: for you, and another  :cheer: for all you're accomplishing.  well done :thumbup:, my dear. so very glad for you that you were able to give yourself a  :cheer: as you do so for your students.  you all deserve it!  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 05, 2020, 05:50:01 PM
Thank you both  :)  :hug:

____________

I made 2 bits of progress today.
1) I accepted that this was just going to be a slow day and a day in which I was going to have to divide all errands and tasks into the tiniest steps in order to even start them. My acceptance of the necessity is new. :thumbup: :cheer:

2) I was able to touch my lower back and then even gluteus maxiumus and even enjoy the warmth of my hands in both places (big progress due to CSA).

I got slightly triggered after touching but only slightly (progress no. 3) and I feel that the slight triggering was worth it (progress no. 4) considering the progress I made touching my own body.

5) I accepted that going into 2), rather than just 'putting it off', was a more important use of my time and energy than attempting to do more things on my Could list. In fact, it was after I was resting and touching that I had the energy to move on with a few errands.

As usual I discover new aspects while writing, this time that I made 5 bits of progress, not 2  ;)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 06, 2020, 02:29:11 PM
interesting how that works!  well done, blueberry! :thumbup:  you are moving forward so much lately, it's impressive.  thanks for sharing.  it's so good to see this for you :cheer:  love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 06, 2020, 05:22:26 PM
Thanks so much, san :) ;D :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 06, 2020, 06:08:29 PM
On Oct. 1st and 2nd I wrote about a bunch of successes. The first post is so long I can't be bothered copying some of it into here, but that's what I'm referring back to.

My heating is up and running again though the hot water-heater maintenance has not been done and ll has not got back to me. ll doesn't know the heating is running again because a totally different maintenance guy got that going - the chimney sweep who also checks gas water-heaters :) :) I was super-happy about that. But ll doesn't know anything about it because he doesn't arrange for the chimney sweep to come.

So with ll not having got back to me despite my saying I didn't have any hot water for any purpose doesn't look too good to me. Seems as if I might have to start fighting again. Sigh. I find that so exhausting and so triggering to be brushed aside, not listened to though it is ll's job to deal.

With messy business toilet issue - I haven't approached ll yet because I'm still gathering my witness statements so to speak, but at least I'm on it and am getting some statements. In spite of everything, I do feel stronger and think I can speak more firmly "Tailor's behaviour is unacceptable, this has got to change. ll has to do it" oops. ll has said before he doesn't have to do anything. So I need to reword that in my mind. Nonetheless, I'm making progress.

I gave the other woman in the bldg a piece of my mind when she turned to me to solve the issue of the missing paper bin. About not helping me when I ask for it about some house or garden issue that everybody else is conveniently ignoring but then expecting me to solve an issue she was supposedly looking into. I'm not responsible for everything that goes wrong in house and garden. I do enough as it is! That's not actually boundary-setting, but it felt good to say that out loud instead of having it just bouncing around in my head. I managed to speak calmly too and not start spitting with rage.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 06, 2020, 08:54:40 PM
I am just so sick of the amount of work it is taking me to get my testimonials together for ll to deal with this disgusting toilet issue! The fact that it takes me a while to explain to students and/or their parents what exactly the problem is - well, that's cptsd-related. e.g. my brain blanks and loses words. Or I have just translated one testimonial from English to the local language. That's strenuous too, just getting the exact nuance to convince my ll.
Now I see with that last sentence I'm back in old behaviour patterns - struggling for 110% accuracy to make sure I can't be misunderstood. Unfortunately that doesn't prevent narc type people from ignoring you completely or shooting your arguments down, or pretending they can't understand you or telling you one thing (e.g. ll will deal with tailor) then doesn't do so. Hires cleaner instead and charges me for it. That hasn't happened yet, but it's the kind of scenario that I wouldn't put past my ll.

So now I think of M. The person who complains is to blame, at least if it's me who's complaining. OK, so I've got a further piece of the puzzle. I know it is not 100% projection however because my ll has not been fair or above board in his dealings with me so far. My T would tell me to make sure I ground myself well, get back into my Adult, send M to the North Pole or somewhere, with the rest of FOO (all narcs and/or enablers themselves) in tow and put them behind dark, bullet-proof glass, if necessary tie them there in some magic way so they can't get free and come and interfere with my life... 

I feel a bit stronger now.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on October 07, 2020, 01:24:17 AM
I'm for you.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 07, 2020, 05:51:10 PM
Thank you, notalone :)  It's really good to feel support.

I'm not thinking about M and the past any more, I'm back in the present. A friend gave me a few suggestions for improving my translation of the testimonial. Now it sounds really good and convincing. It helps me believe that, yes, the behaviour of the tailor is disgusting and I deserve to be heard and taken seriously by ll.  :thumbup:

I still haven't got all my papers together for ll but I'm definitely further along. I'm feeling more empowered and a lot less  :fallingbricks: even though I'm now tired. Yesterday evening I thought maybe being tired was making me feel sick of the whole situation. But no, I think it wasn't that alone. Another useful realisation.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 08, 2020, 10:52:39 PM
The heating maintenance guy phoned today and came by. So now everything has been cleaned properly and some part replaced. So ll didn't get back to me, but the maintenance worker did. I hope he verified with ll. We will see. That feels like a big weight off my shoulders. I need to contact ll about a mere 2 important issues now, instead of 3.

I had T this morning. It was a good session in which I talked about my progress of the past week and how that's been affecting my energy and mood levels, my ability to move forward and my ability to stay present in my body. It was actually before I got onto talking about my big progress re: CSA that my lower back felt compressed and then the bad feeling moved upwards. Then it felt as if my back was beginning to freeze up. It didn't get cold, but it was feeling immobilised. That's the first time I've felt it clearly like that and defined it, as in I just suddenly knew: this is freeze / paralysis. I've actually been feeling compressed down there for a good few days, it got a bit worse during T - as I was talking about specific things. Then I stood up and moved to the impulses in my body near the end of T and since then my lower back no longer feels compressed and all of my back feels more flexible and more relaxed. But I'm also sitting upright. That helps me feel empowered.

I told my T about one of the Trauma Conference talks where a T is mentioned who accepts badly traumatised clients for decades if need be. I've been with my present T for 5 years now and he's applying for a further extension. But I've been on and off in T including lots of inpatient and/or weekend retreats for a total of 20 years, so 2 decades. Most of the off time was spent desperately looking for further help. So the way the T in the presentation was talking  - that allowed me to finally believe that I, too, am one of those badly traumatised clients who need a few decades. Today in T was the first time I've managed to say it out loud with conviction, even though it was a bit difficult - well I didn't say it in English so it was a bit easier than English would have been but now I'll try and write it in English: "Growing up in FOO, I was badly abused emotionally. Badly abused." I could work with that statement a bit further. It resonated more with me in my non-native language that I use in therapy a lot of the time and certainly when I'm explaining something to T. otoh it might be a protection, this not yet feeling it so strongly in English.

Having written that I too am one of those badly traumatised clients who need a few decades, I notice I'm feeling uncertain and embarrassed. But I'm leaving it there. I'm not deleting it. This forum is not a competition on who was more badly abused or who is more badly traumatised. The point for me is realising on a deeper level that I was badly abused (which doesn't negate the possibility of other traumatised folk being badly abused and needing a few decades of T) in spite of what FOO and some Ts have been saying/intimating about me for years. otoh there have been Ts including my present one who have been telling me versions of "Yes, it really was that bad". Now that information has got through to me on more than just a cognitive level.  :thumbup: :cheer:

There's been more big progress but this post is long enough now.  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on October 09, 2020, 06:27:59 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on October 08, 2020, 10:52:39 PM
"Yes, it really was that bad". Now that information has got through to me on more than just a cognitive level.  :thumbup: :cheer:

Your heart and mind realization/acceptance of this seems very significant.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 09, 2020, 10:12:14 PM
i agree with notalone, blueberry.  i'm beginning to get to that conscious part of this abuse stuff myself, actually feeling how bad it was rather than just saying the words.  when it lands on the target, it really makes a difference.  i'm with you all the way on this, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 10, 2020, 06:19:11 PM
Oh that's the "conscious part of the abuse stuff"? Thanks for giving me the words for it  ;)  :hug:

Thanks notalone for your validation and for underlying the significance you see. :) :hug:

__________________________

"I, too, am one of those badly traumatised clients who need a few decades" was the more significant realisation this time around. I know I have written and said before that "it really was that bad" probably not with the full conviction, but still. And other hurt and/or traumatised people have confirmed that "it really was that bad" before too for me, including in these long-weekend healing retreats I used to do (where you really feel on an emotional level what's going on in yourself and in others), quite a number of therapists have confirmed it as well. Accepting and beginning to believe that "I, too, am one of those badly traumatised clients who need a few decades" is very new. It could take up to about 10 years I did hear from a T when I was maybe in my 5th or 6th year of active healing. With this remark, he was actually reassuring me, meaning that I was well on my way to recovery. But it has all taken longer.

In the dim recesses of my brain, I have an idea somebody once said "1 year of recovery per Inner Child" but don't quote me on it. If that really was said, it was encouraging. At last count I had about 15, so makes sense that my recovery process has been long and arduous.

"I, too, am one of those badly traumatised clients" came only with watching that trauma presentation a few days ago, hence very new. I did know before that I was /am traumatised but not that I'm one of the badly traumatised ones.  It's very significant because my FOO played it down so much. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're just feeling sorry for yourself. Oh, shut up and think about children / teens with real problems. And a lot more examples which I have just conveniently blacked out. Obviously I need to not think of them rn and especially not re-injure myself by writing them down. FOO were and continue to be deniers and gaslighters. Enough said.

As I wrote in my post above, the fact that I now realised I was badly traumatised as a child, teen, and then continually re-traumatised by staying in contact with FOO is no way meant as a comparison to anybody here on the forum. Quite possibly all mbrs here are/were badly traumatised. But I'm speaking for me, what I've finally realised about myself.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 10, 2020, 08:02:11 PM
Some more progress just this evening. I went out and bought throw-away cleaning/disinfecting cloths to make cleaning the shared toilet less of a hurdle for me and probably less triggering.

Normally I never would have done this. I'm fairly environmentally conscious and of course I wash and re-wash my cleaning cloths, at least those I use for floors and dusting and so on. Toilet ones are always more of a problem for me for reasons I can't go into, it's too triggering and I don't actually even have words for the triggering, I don't really understand what's going on.

Having bought these disinfectant wipes (basically that's what they are), I feel empowered. I remember now a couple of months ago my T was encouraging me to try new and different things out with cleaning, different approaches, finding my own way since M never really taught me, except as I'm realising now a bunch of taboos, e.g. spending money on cleaning products. I don't think M even bought proper multi-use cleaning cloths. She just boiled up rags and used them e.g for washing dishes; different rags she used for floors, from old clothes that had been washed before torn apart, and then idly swilled around in the cleaning bucket and hung on the line outside. But not rinsed again with clean water, and certainly not warm water.   

I don't remember cleaning cloths for floors or toilets ever being washed in the machine on a very hot wash in my childhood. I've learned that since from friends. I note while writing that how much anxiety I can feel in my throat. So I know I'm overcoming a big hurdle, some unspoken FOO taboo. There was a taboo about "wasting water" too, so much in fact that a friend (who's also pretty environmentally conscious and conscientious) once queried "You haven't rinsed out your dishcloth properly??". No. Because using that amount of water to run it under the tap when I'd just been wiping the counter top was unthinkable and the sort of thing I was yelled at about as a child and teen, young adult probably too. M would actually boil up the dishcloth ever so often in an old pot she had specifically for that. That's hygienic too, obviously. But I don't have enough rags of the type of cloth that are good for washing dishes. Yawn, yawn, yawn. Which means there's processing going on.

I'm not going any further into the processing. Just to round up though, I also bought a number of other products: one which is apparently called scented toilet bowl deodoriser in English (Huuuuge yawn) ICr: "don't waste money on something like that, just clean properly! Ew. Who want's that stinky artificial smell anyway? You just have to clean then there's no smell". That might be so. But not if you've got a business neighbour like mine. I'm talking now seriously about making my clients as comfortable as possible. Mine might not even be stinky - we'll see - because here I went along with my conscience and bought an environmentally-friendly one, even though it's a bit more expensive.

This is new for me too - spending money on what ICr calls 'frivolous' things and what up until now I didn't spend money on thinking my profit is too small (tax accountant turns up in my head, who once almost berated me for spending money on advertising - that must have been my professional flyers a number of years ago - before then I always did my own very unprofessional ones. So that tax accountant can just pipe down.)

One of the very recent changes in me, just since I came back up from my last EF, is feeling much more relaxed about money and especially spending above my income. I always spend above my personal income of very small disability pension and profit from my little business. I can't help that. The combination of the two is way below the poverty line. The money is there for me, it's just not income. So, the change is, I'm beginning to allow myself to spend e.g. FOO money on things they wouldn't approve of, but apparently this giving myself permission is flowing into other areas, eg. business. I'm allowing myself to spend money and also shifting my views on what is necessary or at least very advisable. 10 euros on cloths impregnated with disinfectant, a better toilet brush that gets in the corners better, even though the current one which I bought is not so old it's needs to be thrown out. But it's not good enough. And then an additional little dust-pan and brush and some more single-use cleaning cloths, actually for my own apartment, where cleaning the toilet and the shower are also triggering and I don't do them enough. I forgot to separate my purchases into business and private to get separate receipts. So there's an extra 2-3 euros on my business bill. I don't care. Chicken-feed. New attitude as well. Though now it occurs to me I've always used my private apartment supplies to clean my office and anywhere connected to it, so those 2-3 euros aren't even cheating the system in any way.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on October 11, 2020, 05:43:57 PM
Hi Blueberry,
You are doing a lot of processing.   :cheer: for all the progress you are making.  The scented toilet bowl deodoriser sounds like a very nice purchase, and I hope you like the scent of it.

As I write that, I hope I've not said anything triggering.   Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 11, 2020, 06:13:23 PM
Thank you Hope :hug: Don't worry, you haven't said anything triggering! The scent is quite faint actually. I'm glad it's not overpowering. I did quite a bit of cleaning today including the shared business toilet. I'm tired now though.

I did some garden work this morning too. And in the afternoon I went to the local museum where there was an exhibition of mostly expressionist paintings done by 4 local artists in the 1920's and 1930's. There was a guided tour and it was very interesting. I'm glad I bothered myself to go.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 12, 2020, 02:28:49 PM
I continued cleaning this morning: vacuuming outside my office and my half of the front hall including cobwebs in strange places. Really, the tailor ought to be doing the whole front hall, but I've taken to doing it so that the dust bunnies and dirty footprints etc are not there where my clients ring my bell and stand around waiting.

Before in times when the tailor and I got on better - that was before I started setting boundaries / saying 'No' - I used to vacuum the whole of the front hall. Partially it feels churlish to me to not do so, partially my clients see all of it too. Then I mopped all of the above plus the front steps. Then mopped shared toilet floor and removed additional cobwebs from ceiling etc. Few other little things like using disinfectant on light switches, door handles etc. (covid requirement for businesses), emptying garbage, getting rid of cleaning water, rinsing mop head and bucket - which is emotionally difficult for whatever reason. Then I threw all my reusable cleaning cloths in the washing machine, had a late breakfast and then a 2 hour nap.

Up till the washing machine, that took me almost 2 hours. I think I'm slow, though I am thorough, but that's just the way I am. And no wonder, if the whole process is that triggering to me. Wearing my cloth face mask made it somewhat easier for me, emotionally. I do realise the cloth face mask won't help in any way physically when cleaning.

Not so long ago (1 week? 2 weeks?), the mere thought of "I should have 'boxes' of disinfectant, where clients can pump a little into their hand, on the wall in shared toilet and in the entrance to my office" sent me sprawling. Now I'm thinking of that again and I haven't gone sprawling  :) :cheer:

I am tired though now. Emotionally. And have 2 more biggies to do today: bath and hair wash at friend's place; phone the mother of a young client and ask for a letter of complaint re: toilet situation for my landlord. I've been putting off the latter for over a week because I find it so difficult. The former is always difficult and I haven't done it for aaaages as usual. I came on here to post to try and give myself a little energy, sometimes that works. Maybe I'll go and post on 3 Good Things Today and / or The Potting Shed :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 12, 2020, 04:15:52 PM
all i can say is well done, blueberry!  :thumbup: you've come such a long way, and it seems like you continue to move forward even more efficiently lately.  i'm so happy for you!  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on October 12, 2020, 06:11:43 PM
 :cheer: :cheer:   For going against messages of FOO and buying items that you decided are needed &/or helpful.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 16, 2020, 01:58:27 PM
Thank you both! :hug:

I seem to need some down-time again. There are some things I really wanted to get done yesterday and here I am 4 o'clock in the afternoon following day, still haven't done them.

I know I did my resiliency exercises on Tues while in doc's waiting room but I don't think I've done them since so that would be a good step to take.

Now I think about it I have made further progress and/or steps taken are bearing fruit. e.g. maybe a week ago I decided what I need is help with cleaning. Somebody to come regularly and get the basics done. I asked a friend who I know has done cleaning in the past as an additional little job. She came today to check things out and is willing. She will start next Friday. Of course I will pay her. So here too spending money on something of which FOO would not approve.

I did look into wall-mounted hand disinfectant contraptions yesterday but didn't get any further really. I do like to buy locally if possible, but it didn't look very possible. Well, when i come back up again out of whereever I am, I can get back to this. I feel like it's urgent because there are more restrictions coming back into place here, but I do have hand disinfection cloths my students can use or me too of course.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on October 17, 2020, 10:40:19 AM
Hi Blueberry,
I noticed that in the Potting Shed you'd mentioned that you still have a flowering rose, and there are buds, and you spoke of the lovely scent of that rose, and how you breathed it in.  I wanted to say that I also imagined that it would smell really nice, and I was happy that you had such a nice rose. 

I hope you're able to get the down-time you mentioned. 

:hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 17, 2020, 11:31:39 AM
Thank you Hope!  :) :) :hug:

I don't know how long my rose will last. It's a bit too large to put under any of my plant coverings overnight. Well, maybe I'll figure something out before the hard frosts come.

I have certainly had some down-time and I was back doing Sudoku and crossword puzzles as well. So I've just managed one of the things I thought I desperately needed to do yesterday and the day before.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 20, 2020, 05:14:44 PM
After days of very little, I'm slowly beginning to take a few steps again. bit by bit. A step. Go and lie down and read and/or sleep again.

During the days of very little, I was hardly drinking or eating either. Or taking my meds of course. At least I got eating and drinking again today. It's too late in the day to take my meds, maybe tomorrow.

Our local area has been declared high-risk again, though many people are not treating it as such. The regulations aren't as strict as they were in March/April/May. I honestly feel completely confused by the whole thing now. I don't understand the statistics really. If I had been drinking and eating more regularly in the last while I'd probably be a bit quicker on the uptake. I suppose it's depression that's making me feel as if I don't really care whether my students come to my office or learn via Skype, except for the one who told me she ignores corona advice now. She'll be back on Skype because that attitude is certainly high-risk.

It's really nice fall weather, but I'm hiding inside. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on October 21, 2020, 12:08:00 AM
Bit by bit, step by step. Do take care of yourself, Blueberry.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 21, 2020, 07:11:57 AM
Thank you notalone. I felt kind of pressurised by a friend on the weekend. That probably got to me partly because I had stopped doing my resiliency exercises. At least I realise now part of what's going on.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 21, 2020, 04:16:42 PM
I haven't got that letter of complaint off to my ll yet. Along with photos a client made for me of icky toilet and 2 client letters to back it up.

I'm expecting ll to back the other business. I know I've got my wires crossed. It's as if the other business is B1 and ll is F, pretending to support me sometimes but actually behind B1 and betraying my trust. Except that ll has done this before so it's not quite a mix-up either.

On top of that, I discovered today that a client who has consistently not paid since Aug. has still not paid. It was a really, really difficult job I did in August, but unfortunately the few hundred euros I'm due are not worth going to court over though they are a lot of money for my business! I feel helpless.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 21, 2020, 07:54:57 PM
Some Good Things Today

1. I did a tiny little bit of cleaning and putting things away
2. I did 2 loads of laundry and hung them up to dry
3. I smelled my rose
4. I cleaned out my pets' living quarters.
5. I had the wherewithal to pick some grass for my pets
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 21, 2020, 07:57:13 PM
There's an Inner Child crying in me. I'm blank. I can't remember what to do. Hold IC in arms maybe. (I don't do IFS).
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on October 22, 2020, 10:04:03 AM
Hi Blueberry,
I hope that you were able to hold your IC in your arms, and that she felt your presence and your comfort for her.  I have found when I put my arms around myself, that my IC feels that, and relaxes.  I wanted to say this, when I read what you wrote yesterday, but I felt like I would be intruding, but today - I wanted to say it, and I hope it's ok.  Sending you and your IC a comforting hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 22, 2020, 03:42:46 PM
Thank you very much Hope for what you wrote and also for the hug for me and my IC. My IC can really feel it now and it is calming for her in a way she doesn't feel from me atm. I guess she notices I'm rather abrasive today.

Yes, it was quite OK to say what you did. Maybe I put you off yesterday by saying I don't do IFS? I have my good reasons, but I remember now that I can put people off who want to comfort or help me by saying in advance what I don't want.

My T reminded me today that I can give my IC to another safe, motherly figure (whether a RL person like the mother of my friend who died recently or an imaginary figure or for that matter somebody on OOTS who offers, like you Hope!)  if I feel as if holding my IC might be too much. I was feeling so overwhelmed that I had forgotten that. I had also forgotten putting my FOO on the screen and then sending them to some northern forests.

I can also maybe try putting my arms around myself later and see how that works.

I feel somewhat better today - well, T helped I suppose. It was nice weather in the afternoon and I didn't have any set work or appointments so I went into the garden and did some work. Part of the time I had my pets out with me since it was unseasonally warm.

I phoned the company that isn't paying though they didn't pick up. However they obviously saw and recognised my number so I got an email  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: if the payment doesn't come through within a few days then get back to them. I'm relieved actually that I didn't have to speak to them.

I also phoned somebody who was supposedly interested in lessons and was going to phone me back last week but didn't. I'd already spent an hour on her case so that's why I decided to chase her up. Surprisingly, she is still interested but  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: will get back to me next week. So, having been able to move forwards again, I feel less stuck and less frustrated.

Undoubtedly the gardening helped too ;)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 23, 2020, 10:05:59 AM
Things are looking better. That can change so fast. A friend came by to clean, as promised. That meant that I automatically did some tidying up before hand :) :thumbup:

She was also quite willing to sign a little letter for my ll stating that the business toilet hadn't been flushed at all and the front hall not cleaned in what looked like days. My business neighbour noticed I was showing somebody i.e. I have a witness so he quickly swept his area and mopped it. :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 25, 2020, 05:05:33 PM
hahaha - what a little visual reinforcement can do for some people, like the one you mentioned suddenly sweeping his area.  ;D

i love the idea of sending foo to a northern forest.  that was a great picture for me to imagine.  it felt very strong and empowering for you.

i don't do IFS, either, at least not now. but i have been able to imagine giving a younger version of me care and compassion for something she's gone thru.  i would like to send a caring, compassionate hug to your IC, if it would help. :hug: and also to say that i'd be willing to hold her sometimes when you don't have the strength or energy, if you'd like.

and, good for you  :thumbup: for doing some positive things for yourself.  well done! :applause:

i give you a lot of credit for sticking to your guns w/ your LL.  i understand how draining that can be, and i've seen your struggles with one or another over the years.  sending love and a hug filled with continuing energy to deal with the problem :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 27, 2020, 07:02:51 PM
Thanks san!  :hug:

That's a very good wish for me atm - a hug with continuing energy to deal with the problem!

_________________________________

Just noting for myself that my craving for something sweet to eat and especially to cram straight in my mouth, i.e. to eat in an emotionally unhealthy way,  is pretty high so long as my translation isn't finished. I don't want to feel into it. Maybe that would help, maybe it would distract from translating. I'm yawning, the kind of yawning that means I'm processing something.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on October 28, 2020, 04:16:14 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I was thinking of you, so popped over to give you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 30, 2020, 08:01:14 PM
Thank you Hope! How kind of you!  :hug: :hug:
__________________________
I am so tired. I was going to do more work tonight but that's obviously not going to happen.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on October 30, 2020, 11:10:57 PM
Actually I have just been doing more work, but not writing homework exercises for students  :no: :no:  Just in the past 24 hours or so I have had a resurging interest in translating children's literature and a couple of trauma books. It's been a dream of mine for a long time and I have researched it from time to time and seen how it's not at all easy to get into the field as that involves becoming aquainted with publishers, not simply getting going on your own.

From my previous times reading and researching I have a lot of websites noted, some of which I must have read before. This evening I got further with my reading, or maybe I was reading websites in more detail than ever before? Anyway one publisher listed what they're looking for from authors and in my mind I could tick off most points for my author of choice :thumbup: She's done this, that's why the book appeals and that's why I think the book ought to be translated. So that's heartening. Also that part of the website is giving me clues on how to 'sell' the book to the publishing co. so they might actually want to buy the foreign rights off the original language publisher.

And if they don't, which is quite possible, or if they do but then pass the translation onto a literary translator who already does freelance work for them (also a risk), taking this first step would be giving me experience. Experience will probably lead to some sort of result / success at some point. Even if that is merely the success of knowing I tried and discovered it's not my thing. But at least I'd know. I wouldn't continue to live or eventually leave this earth (in 3-4 decades or less, who knows?) regretting never having tried.

Though when I think about the usual translations I do - certificates and that kind of short (semi-)legal document - and how I really don't like it, how I'm not inspired, but I feel I have to pull through when it is a document I can (more or less) do, because I need to earn my money somehow. Even after all my struggle through it and making last minute formatting mistakes which force me to re-do a whole table and think "There must be an easier and quicker way of doing this but otoh I don't have time, energy or mental wherewithal to figure it out now" and then realise as usual that I'm earning about €5 an hour not because my asking price is too low but because I can only work very slowly, then I'd prefer to try and get into a line of translation where at least I could be creative with the language instead of trying to remember the correct terminology in the area of Vital Stats or something. OK, that was obviously that was a huge run-on sentence but I'm not attempting to get my Journal published so I don't care!

My country is going back into a stricter lock-down than we've had for months and it feels to me as if it's an opportunity to get on with things I don't otherwise do. Idk why it feels that way but I noticed that yesterday as a real physical feeling in my gut. It really felt and feels like a relief. Idk what it is about the lockdown that helps and why I don't have the feeling I can get on with things when it's more or less 'business as usual'. It is what it is. Other people round here who are not even in T or anything like that have said similar too though. It's an opportunity to let go, sit back, reground, sift through, figure out new priorities etc and all that without being distracted with all the things people - me too - manage to distract themselves with. Too many hobbies, leisure time activies, bits of volunteer work or advocacy work here and there - 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there still uses up time and energy -  'have to dos' or 'should dos'. Most of that falls by the wayside and I have energy for things that have been on the backburner for a while :) :thumbup:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: rainydiary on October 31, 2020, 01:24:50 AM
Thank you for sharing your ideas and plans.  I love your passion and appreciate you using your language skills to give people access to important information in their language.   :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 31, 2020, 04:44:54 PM
you know, blueberry, that sounds like such a positive look at a lockdown - almost as if it gives some people permission to focus on what's important for their lives because the social distractions are taken away.  very interesting, and, i think, a very healthy way to deal with it.  well done! :thumbup:

as far as your translating gig goes, it seems to me that every little step you take in learning about it is increased information for you, which makes it something that broadens your perspective in that particular field.  that's how you're able to decide if it's a good fit for you or not, right?

sending love and a hug filled with continuing education, no matter what form it may take. :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 01, 2020, 10:41:18 PM
Thank you san  :hug: :)
_______________________________

I had a really good day today. I booked the cargo bike and cycled all over the place (well, to 3 different towns/villages) collecting various things and dropping others off. Apart from having more space, the thing about the cargo bike as opposed to my normal bike is that it has some battery power which I use to help me get up hills ;D. I often have the power off when on the flat and of course when going downhill. Lots of people I know have e-bikes and I'm really thinking that it would be good for me in many ways to get one too. Probably second-hand. I did put my name in for a draw but chances are I won't win.

One of the reasons I think getting an e-bike would be good is having one would really increase the distance I'm capable of cycling and it would really increase the number of occasions on which I cycle. Cycling really works as an anti-depressant for me - that was the case way back when I was a teenager too, but I'm older now and strenuous exercise of any type tends to be triggering for me, which doesn't surprise me. Most people when they don't have the wherewithal or the energy to cycle somewhere can hop in a car. I can't because I have neither car nor driving license. Me not having a driving license and not daring to drive has a lot to do with FOO. After telling me and showing me for years that i was incapable of most things, in fact a total failure and disappointment, FOO tried to tell me reasons why I would certainly be capable of learning to drive a car. Basically being able to downhill ski and being able to cycle the streets - both activities involving arm and leg coordination and some amount of spatial what-not - would ensure that I could learn to drive. These words, this cognitive stuff didn't help at all. It was a bit late for FOO to start trying to repair the damage they'd done. Anyway, they wouldn't even have seen it that way.

So, anyway, if I had an e-bike it would mean I would be being less hard on myself. This being hard on myself developed back in my teens. I wanted to avoid all the sighing that went on about how inconvenient it was that I couldn't drive, so I walked and cycled huge distances so as not to be a burden on FOO, so that they wouldn't have to collect me from anywhere. The other thing that developed either back then or a bit later was the idea that every time I turned the pedals, I was getting rid of a tiny bit of fat. Although I no longer consciously think that while cycling, this not allowing myself any physical support is connected to that. I can't cycle with groups of people any more because the others are either physically really fit or they have e-bikes. I live in a hilly area and I simply cannot keep up. Anyway, whether or not that makes sense to anybody, I know that something has shifted in my thoughts and feelings today :thumbup: :)

The good thing today was simply having a fun cycle on roads or bike paths I used to cycle on before I got so ill about 20 years ago, and being outside in the fresh air, even though it was raining a bit some of the time, but still the autumnal colours and then lots of windfall apples all over the place. I stopped to collect a few crabapples which are rare here, so that was nice too. I also got rid of some stuff (the things I dropped off for somebody who can use them). I do feel tired, but pleasantly tired. If I hadn't decided to book the cargo bike and go and deliver/collect various items, I might have just hung out on the sofa today, especially since rain was forecast all day. In actual fact it didn't rain that much today.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 01, 2020, 10:57:48 PM
except for the parts that FOO interfered with re: your confidence, i found this a heartening story.  thanks for sharing.  love it, love you :hug:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 03, 2020, 04:14:43 PM
Heartening? Well -  :) :) :) :thumbup: :cheer:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 01, 2020, 10:57:48 PM
except for the parts that FOO interfered with re: your confidence,
No, those parts aren't too heartening. But I'm making progress there too because I was able to write all that down as 'facts of the past' but without flashing back to anything or feeling as if I was or am any of those things FOO used to say. This is pretty big progress because those untrue things they said about me - I used to feel them right into the marrow of my bones, as an integral part of myself. Today and on Nov. 1, I was able to think - that's just what FOO said, it isn't true.

________________________________
The mother of one of my students cancelled for her today. It's my student who is traumatised - relational trauma - and not able to find a T. There is only one around here for children and adolescents and I assume that it wasn't a good fit.  There is no contact to the abuser any more, the mother made sure of that, but as we all know that doesn't make the damage go away. So today I feel sad for my student who is going into such a state of panic about having failed a big math test (during a year of very important exams, of at least medium-term importance, though to school students they often seem like long-term importance). I'm remembering back to my time at school when failing a test could seem like a huge deal, exacerbated because in some years school was all I had - it was the only thing I was interested in, I didn't have enough self-confidence left to do any hobbies. In other years, I didn't panic like my student, I'd completely given up. Failed another math exam? Oh, well. I guess I'm a ... (I won't repeat it because it's the kind of thing FOO told me - see above - and it's not true!).

But I also remember now that I can't help my student beyond the subject I help her in and beyond the ways in which I automatically do by simply tutoring the way I do that - removing the pressure and by quite simply caring and thinking how best to help this student academically. It shows. The mother has noticed and commented on it gratefully.

The mother offered to pay for today anyway due to cancellation at such short notice, which I really appreciate because I've been generous in the past towards the family over cancelled lessons, and also gave the mother some information on trauma T - lists she may not have and that kind of thing. So I am going to accept the payment for today.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 05, 2020, 11:42:53 AM
Quote from: rainydiary on October 31, 2020, 01:24:50 AM
I love your passion and appreciate you using your language skills to give people access to important information in their language.   
Thank you for saying both these things, rainydiary! The latter is maybe not the best way to make money, but it seems to be my thing to want to do work that's actually useful imo. To do work that doesn't go against the grain, to do work that I can identify with and for which I have a passion.

I don't think anybody has ever given me the word 'passion' before to describe me and what I do. I used to think I was aggressive (because people said I was verbally aggressive) until I realised that 'aggression' was sometimes just vehemence and now that's turned into passion, maybe? Or maybe it really is a different thing. Anyway thinking about passion reminded me of my brainwave about how my so-called aggression wasn't necessarily that at all. 
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 08, 2020, 08:45:28 PM
I see now that the title of this Journal is no longer apt. I'm no longer pushing myself to take more concrete steps or do more therapy homework. The steps are coming on their own and as for practising tools - I am usually able to implement things like Screen Processing as required in a few seconds. Often I don't seem to need it as much any more. Same goes for EFT. So now I'll see what appropriate title might make itself known to me in the next few days or so.

On Saturday I reheated and ate my soup without noticing it had gone off. Food-poisoning made for a very bad weekend. I did almost nothing of what I had intended obviously. I was way too weak. I cleaned out my pets' living quarters. That was it. I now feel emotionally weaker and am not sure if I want to take part in the local business owners' Christmas + post-Covid sales revival after all. The fact that I was even considering that was a huge step forward.

My new decals are in my windows. My business looks much, much better from the outside. Of course there hasn't been a huge surge in enquiries yet which feels slightly disappointing. Feels. It's not realisitic to expect it. Considering my bout of food poisoning it's good that there have been no additional enquiries. The decals have only been up since Thursday anyway. This is Sunday.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on November 09, 2020, 01:24:29 AM
So sorry you had food poisoning.  :'(

Good progress on your business.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 09, 2020, 10:09:02 AM
Thank you notalone.  :hug:

______________________________________
This morning I have so far managed to have a shower and hairwash, a huge deal for me. :cheer:  Though now I do feel weak and tired again.
I woke up thinking I'd finally write those 2 emails I need to to LL. So maybe I will do that later. Last week in T we discussed lowering the bar by me writing a first draft and if necessary further drafts rather than the final email from get-go. Then it occurred to me that what I probably need to do is write a Non-sender email first, the way we do Recovery Letters on here, just in order to get all my anger out and be able to say all what happened. A long discourse won't be read so there's no point sending it, but writing it for me, oh yes.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 10, 2020, 05:42:26 PM
I haven't got any further with the letters/emails to LL, but I have been moving forwards in other areas, e.g. this afternoon the final part of my business advertising :cheer:   I did some small bits and pieces earlier in the day too like some cleaning and emails, but the advertising is a biggish project for me.

I have been granted another bout of therapy. It is 'only' 16 sessions, not 20 or 40 the way it used to be, but it is still great! :cheer: I don't need so much as I used to anyway.

The solution for what to do with an email from F has come clear: reiterate that I'm not accepting phone calls!
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Not Alone on November 11, 2020, 02:23:40 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on November 10, 2020, 05:42:26 PM
The solution for what to do with an email from F has come clear: reiterate that I'm not accepting phone calls!

Good for you!  :cheer:
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 11, 2020, 10:04:31 AM
Thanks, notalone! It's so easy, right? But as you undoubtedly know after decades of an ICr saying all sorts of things that I won't even bother repeating here it takes a while for that kind of resolution to float to the surface. That's one reason why I don't allow phone calls.

_____________________________________
Maybe I'll call my new Journal Moving Forwards. That's what I'm most certainly doing now without having to remind myself to take concrete steps etc.

I did have some trouble getting up this morning, but once I did I started getting on with various smallish things. I was also in the garden for a while picking bits of food for my pets and also pulling up various plants of which there are just too many in some of my beds, e.g. strawberries. They run wild if you let them and mine have. Then they just produce the smallest of small berries, just a taste on your tongue. Also mint has run wild and some other herbs. I've given some of the roots away. This is the sort of thing I used to not be able to do for reasons I can't really fathom.

There's a study in my country on Universal Basic Income. The deadline for entering was yesterday and the draw is tomorrow. I'd been thinking the draw was yesterday too, so I still have a chance :thumbup: though admittedly very low -  1 in about 2 million. Still it's possible. And anyway even entering the draw seems to have brought about changes in my relation to money and spending it now on things I need - most of that is investment in my business which is really an investment in myself. Some of it on day-to-day items I wouldn't have considered before e.g. a couple of plastic storage bins with lids. I bought two, I could do with a third I think, so I will probably go and buy one soon. Also paying a friend to come and clean once a week.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 11, 2020, 05:25:56 PM
This from the post above is making me smile, in particular the underlined part: And anyway even entering the draw seems to have brought about changes in my relation to money and spending it now on things I need - most of that is investment in my business which is really an investment in myself. It's obviously an important discovery for me.
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Blueberry on November 12, 2020, 11:31:56 AM
I misread again ;)   It happens, it's a symptom in my case.
I misread the date of the draw. It isn't till January. That makes sense, they need way more time to sort through the applications, even though it was just a tiny questionnaire, no essays or detailed explanations on why you think your particular case would be interesting for the study.

Did I just write that it's a symptom in my case? I did. That's scary. Now 'everybody' will assume that I misunderstand people all the time and so that's why I have disputes with everybody. That last sentence was brought into play by my ICr. I could see my M in the picture too and the right side of my body has gone partially numb. So, feet firmly on the floor, breathe and remember that that's the sort of conclusion M and other FOO mbrs come up with, but what do they know? Really! What do they know? Next to nothing. What do I know? Far, far more. I even know that I don't misread in general or misunderstand in general. I sometimes get numbers mixed. 12.11. and 12.01. look similar at a glance. 12.11.2020 does look a little more different than 12.01.2021 but I probably didn't even read as far as the year. Maybe I was tired and not concentrating well when I read the date. I do have phases when doing number-related tasks e.g. putting my bank statements in the correct order in their file is pretty near impossible. I used to do it anyway, expending huge amounts of energy but when I checked the file again when feeling better, the new bank statements were all in the wrong order. That's the kind of thing I mix up. So not what my ICr. was suggesting or FOO thinking. I don't generally misunderstand words, I'm not stupid. FOO comes to these conclusions for their own skewed purposes, so they can put me down and feel good about themselves. And so I remain in my position of 'dumb, incapable, a burden...'. Anybody in my FOO who is deemed dumb is a burden per definition. I did come to the conclusion a while ago - after the mother of my childhood friend died - that the people in my FOO are just not very nice people. This 'dumb people are a burden' is an example of that.

I need some para breaks in there but i'm not capable of deciding where atm. On the plus side the numbing has gone away mostly - just my upper lip and nose feel a bit strange. But right side numbing has gone and so has very low lower back.

***TW CSA***

Very low lower back numbing is connected to sexualised punishments. Mostly when I stand up for myself in FOO even if miles and miles away just on paper or here on OOTs or in T, I numb physically a little or sometimes way more. While explaining this, I'm back to numbing and/or pins and needles in most of my body. I did get up and walk around for a bit, which helped, it's grounding.

***End TW***

So when this numbing comes, it just shows me how big the fear really is and what a huge barrier I have to surmount. In fact, this numbing and even a concrete fear used to come when any figures of authority were in the room e.g. supervisor at work. Thanks FOO. Not. So even though no concrete fear comes now and I don't even physically numb, the vestiges of this fear and this particular trauma are probably what are holding me back from contacting LL about those two things. And one of them is a simple request for crying out loud! I'd like my own compost bin, which I will pay for!! But tenants need their ll to agree to it before the municipal waste management board will accept.

Who would have thought there'd be so much stuck behind a simple misreading?
Title: Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
Post by: Hope67 on November 20, 2020, 07:10:34 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I read in your new journal that you didn't mind if people read the conclusion of this last one and commented, and that's why I came here, to read and see what you'd written.  I do want to comment, as you mentioned numbing in your body and what it means.  I also experience numbing and pins and needles, often just in one side of the body, and I've noticed it happens when I am connecting with younger parts of myself - particularly at night. 

I haven't completely worked out what it means for me, but I notice that you've mentioned moving around and walking, and that you find that to be grounding. 

You wrote "So when this numbing comes, it just shows me how big the fear really is and what a huge barrier I have to surmount"

I'm finding I'm dissociating a bit now, and losing my track of thought - so apologies, I hope you don't mind my writing this here. 

I'll write something in your new journal in a moment, as I want to say how much I appreciate what you write.  Wishing you the best with your new journal. 
Hope  :)