Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Panda on April 20, 2020, 03:34:12 PM

Title: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on April 20, 2020, 03:34:12 PM
Hi OOTS,


so this is my recovery journal. I've never had one of those, so please bear with me as I try to figure this out.


I am by the way fine with having people leave comments, I'd really apppreciate it actually. Sometimes I might post that I don't want comments on something in particular but I'll make it clear and obvious if that's happening. I hope that is alright.


I'm not quite sure how to start this to be honest. I've been on this journey for a long time, I'm 32 now, starting getting emotionally abused at 2 and the first time I had professional mental health help was at 13 (with a... not very good therapist). I've been in inpatient treatment 4 times and went to three different therapists before and after my inpatient stays.


My last time in therapy was from September 2018 to March 2019 and that was the first time I had a therapist I felt like I could open up to about all the things that have happened to me. Sadly, despite saying she was specialized in trauma she... wasn't really and seemed uncomfortable so we never really delved that deeply into the C-PTSD but she helped me a lot in giving me tools to improve my feeling of self worth and with managing anxiety symptoms.
She wasn't a perfect fit by any means but helped me keep it together when I felt close to losing it and I feel like after my past experiences with therapists and psychiatrists that was very helpful and made me more open to trying inpatient treatment again.


I'm still a bit scared, but I think it's only natural. The last times I was inpatient, I was still in the adolescent wards plus none of the places were specialized in trauma plus I didn't have the words to talk openly about my experiences yet, yet alone was fully aware of how wrong a lot of it was. 


In the meantime, I've read and re-read "The body keeps the score", which helped me make sense of so much of my symptoms, the way I act and what I can do to improve while I'm waiting for both the Coronavirus situation to calm down and for myself to have worked myself to the point where I feel ready for an inpatient program.
I'm also working through the Complex PTSD workbook by Arielle Schwartz slowly. It's helped me make more sense of where I'm at currently and where I'd like to go. It's hard not to get overeager and want to do all the things at once, though.


Okay, I feel like that was a lot of text for a first post but I hope that's okay. I'll stop here for today and hope you all have a decent day :)


Edit: Already made a change of name, I used to be Shaun but this name feels closer to my heart
Title: Re: Shaun's journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2020, 03:46:58 PM
hey, shaun, :heythere:

glad to see you here.  your journal is yours, to use as works best for you. 

i've had a similar experience w/ a therapist who said she was trauma-informed, but we didn't really get anywhere, either.  in fact, i fired her after 6 sessions.  so frustrating! 

thanks for sharing.  hopefully you'll get the support you need, possibly some tools to use, and a feeling of community here.  we really are all in this together.  sending love and a hug, if that's ok. :hug:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on April 20, 2020, 05:09:49 PM
Thank you for being my first comment!


And thank you, I feel like I'll do it wrong but I guess there's no wrong way to talk about feelings, right?


I'm sorry to hear that you had a similar experience, I guess just because a therapist might be trauma-informed doesn't mean they're capable of handling clients with complex trauma. Too bad you couldn't gain anything from that therapist, but good on you to be aware of your own needs enough to know when to call it quits!


Thank you very much, I appreciate it. And than you for the hug  :hug:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: marta1234 on April 20, 2020, 06:47:34 PM
Hi Panda, I read what you wrote and I can relate. Especially with therapy, as I haven't had a groundbreaking therapist even though I've been to many.
Hope you find comfort here and are able to explain or write your feelings in safety.
Sending you a hug :hug:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: woodsgnome on April 20, 2020, 08:52:10 PM
Hey Panda  :heythere: ... finding your way here, plus the readings, and having wandered into a bit of therapy's ups and downs -- these are all good indicators that maybe things are indeed beginning to change for you.

I've also been tossed around a bit with several therapists, although my present one has been a good fit for my needs. Took some mighty patience but now it seems worth it. None of this recovery trek ever seems to be perfect and especially not easy, but once we cut expecting perfection makes for a wise first step. Just having survived makes for an even better starting point, and now you seem ready for those next steps.

Welcome again.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on April 21, 2020, 04:06:40 PM
Marta, thank you for your kind and supportive words and the hug!  :hug:


woodsgnome, thank you as well, I certainly hope I can forge a path that leads to meaningful change. I'm glad you found a therapist that works for you, that's great!


---


As for the actual journaling path of my journal...


I didn't do a great deal of mental health work the past two days, a bit of practicing visualing my internal safe space and disarming negative self talk.
But I'm holding on and I've got to learn to accept when that's all I can do.


On friday my wife is going back to work, she was on vacation for the last two weeks, and we're both struggling a bit with that. She's working as a nurse in a geriatric physical rehab ward (I think that's what it's called in English, please correct me if I'm wrong) so she's not directly at the frontlines but between the coronavirus situation still not under control and her being at risk due to her chronic health conditions, it's not easy.


I'm going to try to set up a schedule for myself for when she's at work so I have less "empty" time to overthink everything, but I don't have too much practice with that so we'll see how it goes. But I feel like that might be worth giving a try.
I'm not very good at taking care of my/our environment and since she works full time and I don't at all there's always some internal pressure on me to do all the things, making it really hard for me to prioratize because every single task feels super important.


Might just make a randomized task list on a website and do what it tells me.


Anyway, that's about what's going on with me at the moment, hope you are all doing okay!
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 21, 2020, 05:28:11 PM
hey, panda,

i think what you did do was great, and it sounds like just the right amount of work for you at the time.  we can only do what we can do, and it's always enough.

sounds like a plan, making a list in order to see exactly what needs to be done and then prioritize, i find that a sort of routine works best for me, even tho i don't always follow it to the letter.  just knowing it's there and i can stick to it if i want is often helpful for me.

seems like you're doing well.  sorry about your wife and the risk factor she faces.  i hope that all goes ok.   :hug:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on April 24, 2020, 02:51:59 PM
Thank you, san!


---


So, journal. Well. Turns out with the anxiety of my wife going back to work and the fear of sickness and death that triggered in me, the last couple of days were... hard on my mental health.


I've had an anxiety/mental health gremlin induced migrane for... surprisingly the first time in my life, at least as far as I'm aware of. It was very different from my "normal" migraines, the normal ones come with light and sound sensitivity as well as dizzyness but this one was painful, gave me vision problems and made me feel extremely nauseous.
Not a pleasant experience and honestly I was hoping... well, not to develope new symptoms at 32 years old.


To no surprise I didn't do super well on my to do list of the day, but I've crossed off four things. And I have to remember that if someone had told me I'd be able to cross four things off my to do list on a pretty bad day even half a year ago, I'd have laughed in that persons face.


Plus I was able to cook which is great because I couldn't find the energy or much less motivation for the last two days and cooking as well as feeding loved ones with good home made food is really therapeutic for me.


As far as this forum goes... I feel a bit bad for not having ventured out much beyond this thread. I feel a bit overwhelmed and like I'll post in the wrong place (even if rationally I know it's such a small mistake to fix for moderators, if needed) or... well, the good old ?? imposter syndrom?? not sure what to call it. That thought that others had it worse so my trauma isn't "bad" enough. Lots of hard work to let that one go.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on April 24, 2020, 03:01:55 PM
The fact that others may or may not have had it worse is irrelevant to your experience. Not only that but the indoctrination from our abusers to not talk, is hard to overcome.

You experienced trauma that was painful to you and that is enough for you to belong here. You have every freedom to join in any thread you want to - or, to keep to yourself here in your journal or wherever you feel safest. This forum is about supporting you where you are, now. You call the shots.
:heythere:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Not Alone on April 24, 2020, 09:27:02 PM
Quote from: Panda on April 24, 2020, 02:51:59 PM
As far as this forum goes... I feel a bit bad for not having ventured out much beyond this thread. I feel a bit overwhelmed and like I'll post in the wrong place (even if rationally I know it's such a small mistake to fix for moderators, if needed) or... well, the good old ?? imposter syndrom?? not sure what to call it. That thought that others had it worse so my trauma isn't "bad" enough. Lots of hard work to let that one go.

Take your time and read and post in the subjects and at the rate that is comfortable to you.

You are not the first person to think that "others had it worse." Your experiences are important and valid.

I think getting anything done while experiencing migraine is a big accomplishment. Just a reminder: your list is to serve you, you are not a servant to your list. In other words, if you start feeling guilty or telling yourself "I should," give yourself lots of grace and kindness.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on May 01, 2020, 05:33:24 PM
Thank you to notalone and Three Roses for the kind words you offered, I'm sorry I couldn't get back at you folks earlier.


-----


So. Journal.


I'm having a lot of feelings today. It's May 1st, which means it's the 19th anniversary of my mother's death, she passed when I was 13.


I've made five attempts at writing this and I still feel like I'm always going into way too much detail, so the super short version:


*** CN Emotional abuse mention, physical abuse mention TW mention of non-graphic suicidal thoughts ***


She was emotionally abusive towards me and my father until she died. She was physically abusive towards me until I was almost 6. Her behaviour is/was a very, very large source of trauma for me.
She was also not okay herself, had struggles with depression and anxiety as well as having Lupus that was only properly diagnosed a year before her death.


I've had 4 family members die before I lost her too. Dealing with grief was... not done with grace or care in my family which only makes it harder. I only learned how to process grief last year, when my father in law passed away, at 31.


Being the only child, I was golden child and scapegoat all in one, sometimes the shift just took a minute. Scapegoat meant that my needs got ignored, I got ignored until I barely talked, I'd get punishments that would be lifted the moment I was back at golden child then reinstated when I did something she didn't like.


And I know if she hadn't passed away, I would not have made it until I would have been old enough to get away.
And that's the thought I struggle the hardest with, knowing that it had to be her or me. And the fact that, being the selfish human being that I am, I am glad it was her. I mean, logically I understand, no one wants to die, but emotionally, that's a whole different ball game.


So, I struggle today. I struggle hard. I want to write down everything that happened but that'd be 13 years of stuff. Some of which I'd just rather not remember.
But today, I mourn. I mourn the mother I had and I mourn the mother I didn't have. I mourn the mother I would have deserved.


And I struggle because I find myself censoring my words even now, even here. I'll stop here now because I've got this feeling that if I don't, I'll either write the novel that is the entire story of my life with her or delete this post again.


*** End TW and CN ***


I'm exhausted from just the general state of the world and all of this is just... a lot at the moment. But I think I'll be okay. And I think I'd like to start sharing more of my story here soon, just letting that bit out felt... freeing. Not necessary good, but freeing.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Not Alone on May 01, 2020, 06:12:12 PM
Quote from: Panda on May 01, 2020, 05:33:24 PM
But today, I mourn. I mourn the mother I had and I mourn the mother I didn't have. I mourn the mother I would have deserved.

Panda, I read your post. I feel compassion for you.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: woodsgnome on May 01, 2020, 11:17:42 PM
Panda, you spoke well about the conflicting emotions left over from your troubled childhood and the grief you still carry. It's hard to go there, but sometimes it helps soothe a little of the hurt. I hope sharing a bit of that has helped.  :hug:

What you said towards the end seems important to reiterate. You wrote: "I think I'll be okay." Yes to that, as you've already shown well how you've survived, and better yet that you're finding some healing, hard as it is to accept sometimes.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on May 02, 2020, 05:22:11 PM
notalone, thank you. I think that's the most helpful response I've ever gotten to telling someone about this specific kind of sadness.


woodsgnome, thank you too. It helped sharing, I'd like to do more of that. Just have to get used to being "allowed" to.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on May 12, 2020, 08:51:42 AM
*** Content warning for Covid 19, Chronic Illnesses | Trigger warning for death anxiety, anxious rambling ***


So, I already mentioned this in the Coronavirus thread but one of my wife's coworkers might have it. The coworker got tested, but the results haven't come back yet.


And I'm freaking out. My mind's churning out worst case scenarios like crazy and I feel like I can't even rationalize them because... well, a nurse on a geriatric ward having Covid 19 could absolutely have a devastatingly terrible outcome.
I'm scared for the patients... and I'm scared for my wife.
She's at risk because of her asthma and some other stuff. At least I can somewhat keep the fear at bay because we don't know if her coworker actually has it, but there's a part of me that's already very terrified of her getting sick.


I feel so powerless. I did what I could, I left the house 4 times since a week before my country had us go into social distancing, I wore masks and washed my hands and disinfected...
But I can't control that. I can't control that nurses that should know better have meetings for pizza in the nurses room. I can't control that some of them didn't do social distancing right.


All I know is that two days ago, we went to see her risk patient cancer survivor mother for mother's day and what if we got her sick? What if my wife is going to lose both of her parents within slightly more than a year?
It's such a terrifying thought. I don't know how we'd deal with that... I know we could, somehow, because we're resiliant and made it through so many bad things but... I'd just rather not have anything happen.


Like, I'm slowly learning to deal with the anxiety and all the stuff left behind by my trauma but... that's over. That's something I can (somewhat) rationalize as being behind me.
But this? This is an ongoing mess and even if my city is doing really well despite everything, that doesn't matter if her coworker has it and got people sick before they caught on.


I also feel incredibly selfish. Others have actually lost people, other cities are dealing with so much... and my 360k city has had 17 deaths so far. But it just... hits different when the virus comes knocking at doors so close to home.


I'm going to do some anxiety fuelled cleaning now because I know that usually keeps me out of the worst thought spirals and helps when I feel powerless (because I'm still in control over my own surroundings) but this... this really wasn't what I needed right when I was slooooowly getting in control of my own mind.


And I feel so terrible for being so selfish. Just feel like going to bed and hiding under my blanket but I know that just makes me worse, so I'm not doing that at least. Small steps, right?
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 12, 2020, 10:39:24 AM
Panda, you are not selfish! Idk what else I can say except that I hear you.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on May 12, 2020, 10:47:44 AM
Thank you, Blueberry. It helps  :)
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Not Alone on May 12, 2020, 01:51:52 PM
I don't hear you as selfish at all. All of this is impacting you. It impacts everyone in different ways. You are worth paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and to have others hear you as well.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Snowdrop on May 12, 2020, 02:16:51 PM
I agree with the others, you're not being selfish at all. :hug:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on May 13, 2020, 06:42:56 AM
Thank you everyone, it's very helpful to have an outside perspective on this!

So we've been informed of the results, thankfully her coworker does not have Covid 19. That could've gone very badly... I hope people take this as a reminder to be as careful as they can.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 13, 2020, 03:34:07 PM
hey, panda,

i think there's a difference between being selfish and self-ish.  taking care of ourselves, worrying about ourselves in unknown circumstances, wondering what it would mean for us and those closest to us to get sick all sound very self-ish to me.  i think we must all be self-ish during these times.  for example, our neighbors had an outdoor party, surprise party for their son,, and when she invited my d and me, she mentioned that he's missed so much this year (like his graduation) so she wanted to do something special for him.

well, i didn't hesitate in being self-ish, told her straightaway that i wouldn't be attending because i'm too vulnerable (i think everyone knows what that word means now), and my d said she wouldn't be coming, either because she didn't want to take any chances for me.  we sent a plate of cookies instead.  i'm sorry the kid missed out on a lot, but quite honestly, i can't let that turn me away from worrying about myself.  we watched some of the party, there were no masks, no soc. distancing, so, yeah, i'm glad to be self-ish, and had no qualms about it.

there will always be someone worse off than we are, but i believe we need to put ourselves first, always.  keep taking care of you - you are your first priority.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 13, 2020, 06:48:40 PM
It's good to hear the co-worker doesn't have covid. That must be a massive relief for you and your wife.

The self-ish san is talking about sounds like self-care to me, which is more important now than ever.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on May 13, 2020, 07:19:57 PM
San, what you're saying makes a lot of sense, thank you for showing me a different perspective!


I hope your d wasn't too sad about missing out, it sounds like you folks definitely made the right choice though.


I struggle with that, putting myself first... hope it gets less hard some day. Thank you for the love and the hugs  :hug:


Blueberry, yeah, we're very relieved. Just hope things stay so calm here.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on May 22, 2020, 02:32:00 PM
So...


with the possiblity of going into inpatient treatment again - in a proper specialized clinic this time - I'm completely freaking out. I am trying to be gentle with myself because given how my last inpatient stays went it's prefectly understandable, especially the parts of me still stuck at that time are terrified.


Oh yeah and the fact that I kind of understand that these parts apparently exist is... a lot. I always thought my traumata weren't severe enough or didn't start young enough but apparently that's a thing that my psyche does.
Also serves to show me how deep my denial goes, I started getting abused at two, if I'm being honest about it.


Anyway, those last few days I had started making a few connections to the outside world again but now I just feel like breaking all of that off again because it feels like too much. Like I don't have the energy and tbh I'm too scared.
I'm scared of being rejected when those people find out I'm going inpatient, in case of the people I don't know super well yet, I'm scared of them finding out about my mental health stuff and deciding I'm too much work or too flaky or whatever.


I long for community so bad but I just... I can't deal with it. I can't deal with people that don't carry trauma judging me for my coping mechanisms. I can't deal with those people demanding me to get better or demanding me to have energy I plain don't have. And I don't know how I am ever supposed to.


People that don't carry trauma are naive, often extremely ableist and take so much energy to talk to because they take every attempt to explain why I can't/won't be able to do something as an excuse and not the valid reason it's in 90% of cases. (I'm human, sometimes I really am just lazy)


And it sucks. I wanna live in that world too where not every minute of the day is colored by trauma. Where things are just easy for more than like, what, a day maybe? at a time.
And I won't, ever, of course, but it's just so much to deal with right now.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on May 22, 2020, 03:59:58 PM
QuoteI struggle with that, putting myself first... hope it gets less hard some day. Thank you for the love and the hugs  :hug:

This is true for me, too. Instead of thinking of putting myself first - which tbh is just too overwhelming - I (try to) think of putting myself on equal footing. This helps make me feel more comfortable with self care.

QuoteI always thought my traumata weren't severe enough or didn't start young enough but apparently that's a thing that my psyche does.
Also serves to show me how deep my denial goes....

Again, me too. I think this comes from the minimization inherent in the abusive relationship. As if we need to meet some arbitrary measurements to qualify for compassion.  ???
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on May 22, 2020, 07:40:30 PM
Hi Panda, sorry to hear that you're feeling overwhelmed right now. Its perfectly understandable though. These things really are a lot to deal with. I agree with you about those who don't have their own trauma, they really have no idea how difficult it is, and how much work we actually do, just to keep going.

But its great to see that you've started on your healing journey. Sometimes it is really scary, and that's okay. Just do your best and keep on going! I'm confident that as you continue on your journey that things will improve for you. Not that the traumatic events will ever be gone, but they can become easier to deal with in time, when you have a good set of tools, and learn what works for yourself.

All the best! :)
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Not Alone on May 22, 2020, 11:01:42 PM
Quote from: Panda on May 22, 2020, 02:32:00 PM
And it sucks. I wanna live in that world too where not every minute of the day is colored by trauma. Where things are just easy for more than like, what, a day maybe? at a time.
And I won't, ever, of course, but it's just so much to deal with right now.

Me too!
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on June 07, 2020, 07:56:33 PM
This is belated, but thank you all for listening, it helps a lot to be heard!


-----------------


These last days were hard for me. I've slipped into a depressed rut just due to the general situation in the world and feeling kind of trapped in my home for Covid 19 reasons.
My diet is currently pretty bad, I've been coping by eating junk food way too much. Plus my wife is currently on vacation and struggles with food too so that was a bit of a recipe for disaster.


We've sat down and made a meal plan for the coming week which includes healthier versions of our favorite meals plus planned snacks as well, which we don't usually do, but I hope it helps a bit. I know I feel better when my diet includes less sugar and more fruit and veggies.


I've made a few healthy changes as well, such as starting up roleplaying again. I have always loved writing and it's a very expressive creative hobby that helps me interact with my emotions in healthier ways. Plus it also means I spent less time obsessively checking social media or numbing myself by playing video games too much.
I also find it helps me regain those verbal skills that CPTSD makes difficult to access at times.


I have this habit of disappearing of the roleplaying sites I use after a few months, usually when my depression/anxiety get worse again, but I'm hoping to prevent that burnout this time, only I'm not quite sure how to do that.
Usually what drives me away is a lack of emotional energy to engage with others plus imposter syndrom, feeling like all the stuff I come up with isn't good anymore.


Anyway, I just wanted to say... I'm slowly coming out of this depression ditch and improving. Plus, these phases get shorter and less deep and dark lately, which I think is pretty good.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on June 07, 2020, 10:59:15 PM
QuoteI'm slowly coming out of this depression ditch and improving. Plus, these phases get shorter and less deep and dark lately, which I think is pretty good.
:cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on June 08, 2020, 02:54:48 AM
Glad to hear things are improving for you, and that you're actively taking steps to help that. I know what you mean about disappearing after a while. I do it quite a bit too, unfortunately. I've even taken breaks from here. I think its just feeling a lack of stability. Things change, and emotions get in the way. Anyway, hope that improves too! All the best. :)
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on September 05, 2020, 07:45:13 PM
So... I haven't been here for a while.


Things have been relatively okay. My relationship is going very well, my wife and I have been together for 16 years now (our anniversary was in july) and we're continuously working on improving ourselves and our future together.


I'm also on the waiting list of several therapists and trying to go inpatient for indepth trauma therapy plus made two specialists appointments I should've made years ago, but better now than never.


Currently I'm working through a lot of trauma from my last stays in psychiatric hospitals, because the place where I was as a teen was... bad. Not overtly abusive, but incompetent.
And I feel like I have to make progress there because that trauma is the mayor thing keeping me from going inpatient. I live in a country with (almost) free healthcare, at worst there's a wait of a couple of months so I feel very priviledged but I feel like I'm currently not well equipped enough to handle being inpatient.


Hopefully I'll get there, though.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: marta1234 on September 06, 2020, 01:10:07 AM
Hi Panda, nice to see you here :) I'm very glad that you found your way with new therapy and are on many waiting lists. That's a big step! I'm very happy for you and your partner, being together for 16 years.
Sending you lots of support and a gentle hug if it's ok  :hug:
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2020, 08:48:55 AM
Hi Panda,
I just wanted to say 'welcome back' - I realise I haven't said anything to you before, but I would like to say I have read some of your journal, and I wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:

I also think it's great that you and your wife have been together for 16 years - wishing you a belated Happy Anniversary for July.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on March 12, 2021, 08:02:28 PM
It's been a while again...


I don't know, I have so many things to say and so much I'd love to share here but opening up is... extremely hard. I'm sorry I just kinda drop in and out, I'd love to come here more but it's just... hard.


As for what's been going on in my life: I'm regularly in therapy with an actual trauma specialist which is amazing, I have a psychiatrist appointment in April because I can't handle certain symptoms, mostly the anxiety stuff, without medical help at the moment. Convincing myself to see a psychiatrist has been really hard. I've received meds in the psych ward I was in when I was 16 but they did nothing for me and gave me some longer-lasting side effects but I'm ready to try again now. I'm a bit scared but I hope it'll go alright.


My wife and I are having our ups and downs, she's starting to become aware that certain things that happened in her past have been traumatic as well plus well, nursing as a profession is very stressful at the moment even without directly dealing with covid patients.
But we're very much aware we want to be in this together and we're both working on better futures together so... it's alright. Plus, we love each other and support each other as much as we possibly can so we're dealing.


I'm doing so much more than I used to which is super hard for me and I feel tired all the time but it's great going from barely functional to slowly building up a life I'm happy with. I wish I'd gotten there sooner but better in my thirties than never.


Anyway, that's about where I'm at at the moment. Hope you're all doing alright :)
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Jazzy on March 13, 2021, 02:14:50 AM
I know what you mean about it being difficult, and dropping in and out. I do that too. It's great you are making such an improvement in your life, even in these difficult times. Keep up the good work! :)
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on April 01, 2021, 11:09:29 AM
Thanks, Jazzy!


Soooo I had my first psychiatrist appointment in a decade and a half. It was a mess, I needed a referral from my primary care doctor and could only get it today due to insurance reasons so I had to do that before my actual appointment. Had to wait super long and if I hadn't had a ride to the psychiatrist I wouldn't have made it and this is despite calling in on Tuesday and very carefully mentioning I'd need that referral by 9 so I'd have enough time to make it.
At the psychiatrist's they told me I'd come in an hour late but I very vividly remember being told 10 am. Maybe their system messed up bc we only changed our clocks on Sunday but yeah, ofc that had me super super anxious.


The psychiatrist was super nice though, took a brief history of my mental health journey, was very mindful of not delving too deep but still getting the info he needed. Kept within my boundaries, made sure he knew what I needed which was super awesome.
Long story short, I've got a prescription for Opipramol, might have a different name in the US.


It's low dose, we'll ramp it up slowly and see if I need anything different. So yeah, I'm pretty happy with that went even if the journey to the appointment was... not great.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Blue Rose on April 01, 2021, 03:28:56 PM
Hello Panda, sorry it was so stressful getting to your appointment, but it sounds like it was really positive for you. I hope you find the medication helpful for your anxiety. Sending all best wishes.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Panda on May 27, 2021, 12:59:29 PM
So. Things. They happen.


I'm gonna have to either up my dose or change meds because while it was helpful during low level depression and anxiety, I'm currently dealing with a worsening mental state and was up until 3 am after having the highest dosage I'm allowed to take in a day. My sleep's been getting steadily worse for the past two weeks and hit pre-med state about four to five days ago. Not fun.
Took me a while to figure out what's going on, but I know it's another shard of trauma being processed. Sucks, but I will grow from this.


But! Unlike previous bad episodes, I realized quickly that things were getting bad, called my psychiatrist right up for an appointment took precautions to minimize the damage episodes can do. I have therapy next week, I've got simple meals planned out for the next week that just need popping into the oven or slow cooker, wife is informed and very supportive, we've worked out a list of everyday stuff I still gotta do despite being in a bad state, I couldn't get a psychiatrist appointment earlier than the end of next month but it's made.


So. Yeah. Damage control's in place, I still feel pretty bad but I know it'll pass, which I don't take for granted and is incredibly helpful.
Title: Re: Panda's Journal
Post by: Armadillo on May 27, 2021, 04:05:34 PM
I'm sorry things are getting rough right now and the sleep is suffering. That sets up a really tough cycle to deal with the challenges.

And I am also so impressed that you've been able to plan and put these measures in place. There's just so much awareness and care for yourself and wife and openness in what you are doing.

:hug: