I think I will start a new journal. I probably haven't reached my page count in the other one. But I need a new one.
I am sad, empty and my future seems bleak. I have little hope that I will get any better than this. It might be the depression talking, or it might be the truth.
If it's the truth I have to find ways to accept it and live with this. Find things that makes it better.
My GP and Lady T says I sound lonely. I miss getting a warm hug, but I don't know if it's quite true that I am lonely. I miss feeling belonging. I miss feeling safe with a group (however small or big) and feeling accepted and true belonging. I've felt it briefly a few times, so I know what I am looking for. Although, those times they were really fleeting. And one of those ended up turning into a trauma, but that's a whole different story. the beginning was good, as it always is..
GP, Lady T and Mr. T all believe that I have all my thorns out, and will be able to notice that something is afoot should I dare to reach out to a new group of people and try to make more friends and find places I do belong. I think they think too highly of me, I require the feeling of acceptance too much that I am willing to oversee red flags. I know this, because... I've let it happen so many times. I can't resist it. It's a mix of wanting to belong, a mix of wanting to be important to a few and a mix of punishing myself when the red flags do appear.
I realize I don't trust a lot of people anymore. Perhaps I never did. Perhaps I don't give enough of myself in social encounters that people don't dare to invite me in properly. I am good at listening, so that's what they use me for. Or maybe I am just putting everyone in a pile. Generalizing them.
whatever's going on, sweet sceal, i have no doubt you'll figure it out and do what's best for you. at least you're beginning to know what red flags mean, and as you continue to progress, i think you'll pay more attention to them for what they are, and know to back away. it's great to be accepted, but not for the wrong reasons. i get that. love and hugs :hug:
I know all of the trust issues you mention, Sceal. I seem also to have ignore lots of red flags in hopes that ... you know the rest. Sometimes I see a door opening, then it seems to immediately slam back shut. While I didn't find the result I wanted, I've somehow fallen into the vulnerable position in my desperate search for another human to relate to.
Why? That 4-letter word hope is all I can figure, which comes from I don't know where. Now, instead of kicking myself like I always used to do, I'm okay just knowing that at least I was willing to trust, despite a tortured history of smack-downs going way back.
Go figure, or take it as hope -- the latter may be hidden behind clouds, it may be faint, I may be a sucker for any glimmers that this time it might work, and/or other suggestions readily supplied by ye olde nagging inner critic. And yet I go back and that's okay is what I've decided. Giving up on hope doesn't have to be predictive of what will really happen. It's always been a surprise, but I have encountered those glimmers, almost in spite of myself.
Sorry I blabbered on a bit :blahblahblah:, I hope some of it may point out some opening in those clouds that you can take to heart.
May your new journal work to keep hope alive for you :hug:
To San, I am grateful that you have faith in me that I will figure it out. Even when I've no hope that I will. But thank you :hug:
Woodsgnome: Thank you for popping by. I don't think you were blabbering at all. What you wrote made sense to me. I think that although how rough it is when the hopes for certain things, situations or people get crushed, I think it is even more awful those times and periods where I have no hopes for the future, or even for the present day. Without hope of some sort... It's really hard.
---
Today was the first day I got to go back to work (other than pick up some supplies that I never even used) for the past 7 weeks. We were 4 people in total and made sure to keep distance. It was nice to see other people, and to do some art. It felt good for a brief spot because I managed to successfully do part of what I wanted to do. But then I burned out. My colleague wanted to talk about Dissociation and DID a lot today, and it was a little difficult topic to jump right in on. I left after lunch. I should have been longer, but I used the excuse of wanting to take the bus when there would potentially be less people on it to leave early.
I feel ashamed of myself. And dissapointed. I got there at 9, and by 11.30 I was done. I left at 12.30. I felt forced. I don't mean forced to go, or forced to stay, or forced to talk. But that the role that I became when I got back into that enviroment felt forced.
I would like to be more open minded than I am, to be more flexible and positive. Perhaps it's just the depression that keeps rearing it's ugly head and I keep pretending I'm not depressed.
But I am dissapointed that I am this exhausted.
I function better, it appears, in isolation.
My GP wants me to start going on dates, or find friends on Tinder. So that conversation with her the other day took a whole new turn. I know she want's me to challeng myself and try to dare to be vulnerable around other people. And not so strict and controlling and never sharing anything of consequence to others. But... I can't help it. All my survival skills kicks in. How can I trust that I'm making a good choice in daring to open up to these new people? and wt"#ยค would I even open up about?
I do not feel I truly belong anywhere, and that hurts. It's not that I feel lonely when I'm with my friends, or lonely when I'm by myself. But I do feel like I'm always second rate, and that I never quite fit in, that I'm always that weird one. And sometimes... sometimes that is what makes me feel lonely. I don't mind being the weird one, but I do mind always being second rate, or last one to call. But I suspect... there's a suspicion in my mind, that if I could learn to accept myself.. then maybe I would be a better version of me outwards too and maybe then I'll start feel like I belong?
But if that is the answer... how.. how do I accept myself? How could I even possibly?
Sceal, you are really processing a lot right now.
Quote from: Sceal on April 20, 2020, 08:14:14 PM
GP, Lady T and Mr. T all believe that I have all my thorns out, and will be able to notice that something is afoot should I dare to reach out to a new group of people and try to make more friends and find places I do belong. I think they think too highly of me, I require the feeling of acceptance too much that I am willing to oversee red flags. I know this, because... I've let it happen so many times. I can't resist it. It's a mix of wanting to belong, a mix of wanting to be important to a few and a mix of punishing myself when the red flags do appear.
No one gets that right 100% of the time. Not only that, but people and relationships are fluid so what is true at one time can change. My guess is that you are more aware of healthy people/relationships then you used to be.
Quote from: notalone on April 23, 2020, 10:13:57 PM
Sceal, you are really processing a lot right now.
I hope you're right, notalone. But I doesn't feel like it. I feel like I've stagnated.
I woke up in an incredible dark mood this morning. I was incredible aggressive and grumpy. It didn't help that I had unexpected bills to deal with and had to inquire why I got them. And then discover that I've spent A LOT more money than I thought I had since I had moved. It's all incredible stressful and it's hard for me to deal with things that goes on the economical side. I've got little coming in, so I'm very dependent on not overspending. I also had to apply for a refund to my plane ticket to visit my best friend and his family abroad. I've known I've had to deal with that...but today I got an email saying it was finally cancelled which opened me up for applying for a refund. And... I just felt indescribable sad. I didn't want to do any art, I didn't want to be around people. And I didn't even want to hang out with my best mate online... I had my phone-call with Lady T today, I didn't even want that. Because it's one step closer to the last session. It's one step closer to her answering my letter, and rejecting me. And I wasn't sure if I was capable of receiving those news today.
But the phone call helped.
We didn't really talk about a lot of deep things. But loosely about food, about the way I feel other people percieve me and that I don't want to come across a certain way at work. And my exhaustion, and acceptence of being disabled. Or lack thereof.
She also... didn't reject me.
When I am ready for trauma therapy, when I have recieved enough stability and mastery in my own life, she said I can get my GP to send a direct application for her to treat me again. And she will give me a summery letter of what we've worked on, and what she think I should remember to continue working on - on my own. She wants me to participate in writing this letter so that I'm on the same line as her.
She told me I could have asked her this face to face and not through a letter. I refuted that, and told her that at least I did ask. And she was thankful that I did. She thought it was important.
I am still sad.
I am still scared.
I am still so dissapointed in myself.
Sceal, I think you have a lot going on atm - lots to process and lots coming at you. I find financial stuff stressful too in quite a number of different ways. I would just like to send you some :hug: :hug: and say that I know this forum isn't RL, but still if it helps you belong here! you're accepted, understood and valued here.
:hug:
i'm glad the call went well. i hope that brings a bit of sunshine to your horizon :sunny:
i agree w/ blueberry that there's been a lot for you to deal with lately. give yourself a break. one step, then another, and you will get thru it. it might be messy, you might feel messy, but you'll eventually come out the other side of this. love and hugs, sweet sceal. :hug:
I know that there has been a lot of stuff going on. But it feels like that it's always a lot of stuff going on... Maybe I am being over dramatic and making a mountain out of molehills.. (or how does that saying go?).
This week has been frustrating though. I have signed up for a course, and it is so hard. I keep having to 1) focus and concentration 2) perform 3) learn 4) keep telling myself that I am doing the course to learn not be impressive 5) manage my emotions in regards to feeling like a failure. 6) listen to critique and filter out what I think is useful and what doesnt make sense.
And all of that costs me so much mental energy.
On top of it I got in a super minor car accident. Was driving the dogs to the park to walk them, and I was driving in a narrow country road and a car came towards me and tore off my side view mirror. Everyone is okay! No injuries to anyone. But the other car didn't even stop. And I was filled with guilt and shame and worry. It's not my car.
And then I am feeling jealous of this new friend that my best mate has. I feel like I am not funny enough or big enough laugh. I'm not. I am stressed out of my mind.
Lady T is quitting soon. Little over a month.
I keep having dreams and guilt about ex roomie and nightmares about the former apartment.
And I don't want to burden my mate. I can't tell him I am feeling left out or replaced. I can't talk about my ex roomie to anyone because everyone is tired of listening to it and I am even tired talking about it. I just want to emotionally let go already..
I can't tell my other friend about any of this because she doesn't know what to do and I just feel rejected by her whenever I tell her emotional stuff.
I don't know who to turn to.
Someone asked me recently if I ever feel lonely. And I said no, not really. But I lied because right now... This very moment I feel very much.. alone.
Desperate.
Unworthy.
sceal, for whatever it's worth, i'm here with you as you go thru all this. i understand the energy drain you talked about with your new course, and, yeah, feeling like you're being replaced, and not being able to talk to someone about what's going on w/ you cuz they don't understand. plus, i'm not surprised you've still got feelings around your ex roomie - that takes time.
i can send you love, let you know you're cared about, and wrap you in a gentle embrace that might be comforting in some small way. :bighug: i know this emoji doesn't look very gentle, maybe, but it's meant that way. keep taking care of you as best you can.
Hey sceal,
Sorry I've been away so long. This may sound really random but here goes...
When I was pregnant with my son, I developed severe vertigo. I'd get these awful dizzy spells and I couldn't drive or walk far without sitting and resetting. Once I gave birth, the docs said that the dizziness would go away too. 3 months later, it was still there. The docs said that I needed to have patience. My hormones had been on a roller coaster for 9 months and it needed that much time to get back to where they were.
The problem is, they were wrong. It lasted for about 4 years! I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is no way of knowing how long pain, or sad thoughts, or feeling of not being worthy will last. There is no set amount of time there...
For what it is worth, you lived with your ex for a long time and I wouldn't expect the thoughts about them to go away this fast. Go easy on yourself, I'm with ya :hug:
Thank you both, San and Blue! :hug:
It is worth alot that you're here San, even if I'm not capable of being much help to anyone else in here. It warms my heart that you're still here, cheering me on and supporting me.
Thank you for sharing that with me Blue. It can get tricky to remember that this too will pass one day.
...
I wrote a short story about a fictional character and betrayal. It wasn't very good or anything, it's still unfinished. I sent it off to my mate, who is a much better writer than I am. I don't think he got the hint, but it doesn't matter. It felt good to send it off. And we got talking about other stuff this morning, which was nice.
And we had plans to hang out tonight and do some things online together, but then he ended up hanging with the other people. I could have joined in. But I don't want to sit around feeling like I'm just there as background noise.
So I'm feeling like * again.
Which I shouldn't. I should be celebrating the fact I sold an artwork today. Which I rarely get to do, but someone paid me for my art. And that is a HUGE win. It really is, and I'm trying to remind myself of that right now, but all I feel is sadness.
I talked a little about this with Mr. T yesterday. We talked about the basic model for dissociation, he hasn't taken a course in it - his colleagues have so he doesn't have the in-debth knowledge (but, he's not my therapist either, so it's fine. I don't expect him to be an expert). And it made sense. It make sense why I'm feeling constantly overwhelmed by emotions, constantly confused and like I can't keep up. I don't know what day it is most of the time. I have to keep checking the date to make sure I'm on the right day. I try so hard to keep up, but... After talking with Mr. T I'm wondering what I'm doing is deflecting and dissociating? I am definitively avoiding.
I am really struggling with being "Here and Now". There's too many thoughts, too many questions, too many problems to solve so I flee. I flee into future problems and talk about them rather than the ones right in-front of me. I can't seem to deal with the emotions I'm feeling, so I vanish into books, games, or stories I make up in my head. Because I don't want to deal. I don't know HOW to. And now that I'm losing Lady T I don't know who can help me figure it all out.
I think what I am is devastated. I don't have time to mourn her, because I need to use the time I have left with her constructively. But perhaps I'm not able to do to that because I'm not really accepting these emotions. And instead mentally flee.
I should write this down to her.
Sceal,
I think what you wrote is completely valid and makes a lot of sense.
I have felt eerily similar to what you described. It seems to come and go for me. Sometimes when I dissociate, I don't even know I'm doing it!!!
You have every right to be upset about losing Lady T. I think writing it out is a brilliant idea. I hope it helps my friend
Maybe mourning the loss of Lady T with Lady T would be constructive.
sounds like writing it down is a great idea, sceal. often writing has helped me organize my thoughts, bring about realizations, or just even leave negativity on the page which gets it out of me. i like notalone's suggestion, too.
this is such a lot you've been going thru, my dear. baby steps, just get from today to tomorrow, that's all you need do. this stuff will sort itself out eventually.
and a big CONGRATULATIONS! on selling one of your pieces. :applause: :woohoo: :fireworks: that truly is a huge deal. i had another artist friend, i remember going thru that with her. i am so very, very happy for you!
please remember, one day, then the next. little by little. and breathe, as wife2 would say. will you have another t after lady t leaves? if so, i hope the transition goes smoothly. keep taking care of you, ok? much love and a big hug filled with all kinds of good stuff! :bighug:
To Blue:
I have both experiences with dissociation. Sometimes I realize I'm fading away, and if I'm not stopped or if I'm not able to stop myself... I will lose all contact with the present. And then I have the times when it happens so quickly I've no idea I've left. But I can usually tell afterwards because I can't remember anything. Both are exhausting afterwards though.
To Notalone:
I wrote it down to her, but I can't remember if we talked about it. She called me the next day and said it was part of the topic, but not what we had focused the most on.
To San:
I like to write down my thoughts too. Sometimes realisations stick with me, but often they only stick for a short period. I am wondering if the dissociation has something to do with that. That I'm not able to fully put something in my long term memory.. I'm not sure. Just a new thought I'm having.
And thank you, yes selling that piece is a big deal! She hasn't picked it up yet, but I hope she'll be even happier once she sees it in person.
I have a hard time remembering also. I think there a number of factors, but dissociation is definitely a part of it. Writing helps me to remember and also to process. I often go to therapy with a list of what I want to talk about.
Notalone:
Sometimes having a list will help, but most of the things I need several appointments to make it sink in, or accept or process. And then a long list from time to time isn't helpful to me. Because it just doesn't really get processed. I am very good at talking and explaining my thoughts and emotions to my nurse, doc or lady T, but it's because it's a language I've learned. It's like in school when you have to memorize the multiplication table.. You remember it, but you don't really get it. ( I don't even remember it, but it was the easiest analogy I could think of at the moment :) )
---
I went as I think I mentioned, to Lady T the other day. I had the letter with me. Although, I don't remember what I wrote her. I don't remember much of the appointment either. I remember seeing her for the first time in person in months, and I was so stressed out of my mind because I was so late because the road was blocked and I couldn't get anywhere. And that's it. Thinking about it is making me cry. And I don't know why...
She called me the day afterwards, which caught me by surprised. Apparently we had made a deal that she would do that. I asked her what we talked about, because I couldn't remember. She said we talked about friendship and feeling left out, about her leaving, about my letter. But I don't remember.
It's bothering me more than I would like.
I used to not mind that much that I forgot things, sometimes I'd welcome the blank slates. Because they'd protect me from unpleasantness. But now, all I feel is a lack of control in my own actions...
And I am so sad I'm losing her. I hope that me being a little worse off now isn't because I'm losing her, if that makes any sense?
I feel drained. Today I've been in pain all day. I've tried paracetamol, I tried light excersise, I tried stretching and bending and flexing, I tried a warm shower, I tried napping, I tried massage, I tried pain-cream. In the end the only thing that gave some temporary relief was heating pads.
I think I'm not sleeping well. I wake up exhausted, I wake up all stiff and occationally joint pain. I think I might be dreaming a lot.
Loosing Lady T is a really big loss. Our situations are different, but when I stopped seeing T1 a few months ago I felt grief, fear, alone; many feelings. It's a big deal.
I am sorry you lost your T1 too. It is really painful. Regardless if our situations are different, the pain is probably the same.
I don't want to deal with it though. I just realised. I don't want to deal with her rejecting me, or that my friend is potentially rejecting me. So I try everything I can to be better, more impressive, more interessting so they don't want to give me up. So that they will want to have me around. Because I don't know what else I can do.
I did talk a little with my friend yesterday, not about my feelings or fear. But I told him that he means alot to me and that I appreciate him, and that he rocks.
I am still trying to impress him though. I wont tell him that either. Because I don't see the benefit.
Oh! And someone asked me if I'm getting a different T.
I won't. Lady T believes that I need to stand on my own two feet for a while and to both see and learn that I am actually able to do it.
She also believes that I have so much instability within and without me that further trauma therapy won't work as of how things stand today.
Quote from: Sceal on May 16, 2020, 07:56:59 PM
Lady T believes that I need to stand on my own two feet for a while and to both see and learn that I am actually able to do it.
She also believes that I have so much instability within and without me that further trauma therapy won't work as of how things stand today.
A therapist acting like that is one of my nightmares. As I write that a memory comes. However, I asked my current T quite a while ago if he would ever tell me I had to leave because I wasn't "enough" in some way - good enough, working hard enough, doing enough homework, damaged enough, traumatised enough... and he said no, he never would. The only reason would be if he ended up retiring before I'm through.
So I just want to send you lots of support from here at OOTS for managing in the next while. I don't write in your Journal very often or read it much anymore but as far as I do read I think you've been taking big steps forward irl. OOTS is always here for you. :grouphug:
:hug: :hug: :hug:
To Blueberry:
I get where both of you are coming from. I am terrified. It's not the best timing to let go, but maybe there never will be. She did say that when I am ready for trauma therapy I can come back to her.. her being in the public health care and not private it's quite rare.
---
I feel like a child who wants to grow up but can't. I also feel like an adult wanting to retreat to childhood.. I don't belong anywhere.
I am scared.
sweet sceal,
the loss you're experiencing, like others have said, is huge. please, be patient with yourself. what lady t told you can't help but smack you on so many levels in so many ways. no wonder you feel like an adult and a child at the same time, not knowing where you fit.
i'll admit, i don't quite understand the idea of you needing to be able to stand on your own, yet not needing trauma work. it sounds incongruous to me, but maybe you understand it better. i hope so.
love and hugs to you, my dear, while you go through this time of confusion and questioning. :hug: :hug: :hug:
I don't really have much in the way of words at the moment, Sceal, but I wanted you to know that I've read all the entries in your new journal and I'm thinking of you. :hug: