Sorry I deleted this - I get ocd obsessions that mean I struggle to talk about things or leave something like this post visible. It's due to the trauma I think and I know I need to work further on it. My husband moved out last night and the ocd is much worse today. I will make a separate post about that.
The most innocent action by others can be triggering to us. So it's less important imo to figure him out and more important to focus on you.
I'm married to the same guy who acted abusively to me for the first 27 years of our marriage. I left then, he promised to work on himself, so I returned after about a year apart. He's been true to his word so I do think it's possible for some abusers to recover from their abusive patterns.
That being said, it's very difficult imo when one partner is oblivious to their issues. Refusing to look at their behavior results only in more of the same.
Focusing on myself and what was best and right for me, regardless of what my h wanted, was the key. I'd grown so used to focusing on him as the problem, and having been raised to focus on my mentally ill family members first (and deny myself the right to be treated well) was a huge obstacle I had to overcome, before my marriage could improve.
It's hard to recover from our past when we're reliving it in the present. My hope for you is that you continue to come to this forum, read and post here, and reach out for support when you need it. You matter to us. :hug:
One of the things I find most useful these days is to listen to what my body is trying to tell me. When we're abused we've often had to push down/ignore our feelings but they come out in so many ways - self-harm, nightmares, emotional flashbacks, insomnia, dissociation, addiction, etc. It's like we're screaming to ourselves to listen up we're in pain/danger.
Anyway, my point is that you seem to be trying to tell yourself a lot of things that bear listening to. Your well-being and safety are the most important thing so along with posting here, it may be time to talk with a therapist and/or professional at a domestic abuse organization to help you to sort out what is the behaviour you're experiencing and what to do about it.
:grouphug:
:grouphug: I hope you keep on posting here so you have a 'tribe' of sorts as you walk your journey Lighthouse - support, sharing, compassion can make things a bit easier.
Yes, I echo Kizzie's thoughts; the support I've received here has been unlike the support from any other group I've been a part of. This community "gets" it! I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.
:heythere:
Thank you - a tribe and a place to be will be a blessing.