Out of the Storm

Hello all,
I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and wanted to start a new journal to reflect that.

I've been on the new medication for anxiety and sleep for a bit now.  Things are going well on it.  It can make me groggy and a bit dizzy at night (bathroom trips become interesting) but it has really improved my sleep. 

Nightmares are still there, but I am able to go to sleep pretty quickly now.  I've been tracking my sleep.  A month ago, I was awake for about 3 hours a night.  Now I'm down to about an hour!

Sleep is so restorative.  I'm handling therapy better too! We are still doing emd (restricted). Next step is to get into emd (unrestricted).  I have some anxiety about that because I don't trust where my mind will go if given full range.

My T says I'm ready. My positive belief that I feel is true, is that I'm moving in the right direction.  The thing that is holding me back is that I'm not sure I will be able to handle it.  I will have to see how it goes first before I will know...

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Deep Blue, I'm glad to hear about the positive things that are happening.  :cheer:

Hi Deep Blue,
Wishing you the best with your new journal, and so glad to hear you're sleeping better than you did before.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

FWIW I believe you will be able to handle it. I'm in your corner.  :cheer:

Not alone and Hope,
Thanks for the warm wishes  ;D  It's good to hear from you both.

3R,
Ha ha thanks for the encouragement.  I have hope that you are right and can handle it.  I'm just kind of a tangible person, so I need to experience it first before I'll be able to answer that question... makes sense?
——————————————————
I slept well again last night. Woke up feeling good.  Did some work stuff and now I'm gonna do some school stuff with my kid.

I'm bribing him with legos to do the work.  Husband doesn't like it.  He said I shouldn't bribe him to do something that he should already be doing.  The thing is, it's my sanity I am protecting here.  I'm tired of the tantrums over schoolwork from him.  Yes I have more patience these days...  but I want school to be an enjoyable experience for us both

As far as bribery... I've heard it said that adults are bribed to go to work by getting a paycheck, haha! I'm all for whatever keeps the peace in these stressful times. You might want to tell your husband that teachers regularly use bribery to help motivate students (they just have different phraseology for it :bigwink:).

 :yeahthat:

so glad things are going in a positive direction, so much so that your journal is reflecting it.  yay! :cheer:

i have faith in both your t and you that, while it may get bumpy at times, you'll be able to manage.  love and hugs, dear heart. :hug:

Glad you're feeling better, Blue. And that your'e getting better sleep :) It's so important.

Perhaps tell that husband of yours that if he doesn't like, then he can deal with the tantrums and the teaching and helping with the homework. :P

Quote from: Deep Blue on May 13, 2020, 01:48:18 PM
I'm bribing him with legos to do the work.

We call that "positive reinforcement." I'm all in favor of that.

Hit a heavy trigger yesterday.  I had a flashback but no panic attack.

I have been dizzy since last night though.  Ive have really bad vertigo all day.

Hope it's gone tomorrow

Sending a hug Deep Blue x  :hug:

I hate it when I get triggered. I hope you have managed to work through this and that you're feeling better today.

Thanks snookiebookie.
————————————————
Well things got crazy for me the last few days but I'm doing better now. 

Long story short... I had a trigger when I was getting a deep tissue massage.  He's a talker and I see him about once a week.  I know getting a massage sounds relaxing, but that is not the type I get.  He does deep muscle massage, sometimes I'm covered in bruises when he is finished.  It's painful, but within a couple days it really seems to help me.

So anyway, I'm face down on the table and he was talking about adhd...

******trigger warning**** pa
So he says that he prob has had adhd His whole life. Says that he wished his parents knew about it then... said that his parents..... (deep breath.... I'm gonna try to be brave right now and type this) his parents punished him with a b*** when he wouldn't stay still... then he said that he remembers getting a c... said that he remembers a word with each syllable.... and I was gone.


*****End trigger warning *******
Flashback hit and I Don't remember the rest of the massage.  Usually I'm totally aware when he is working on painful muscles etc... nope I zoned out completely.

I got home that night and felt dizzy.  I went to bed early.

Next day I woke up... still dizzy... I slept pretty much all of the day away.

Yesterday I felt less light headed but still had a couple dizzy spells.

So then I went to therapy today.  My T said I seemed distant... zoned out... i told her I'd been dizzy and assumed I was just tired.

Finally I told her what happened with my massage guy and she helped me put the pieces together.  I dissociated for 2 and a half days!!!! I didn't realize it!

Yes I still have some light headedness but I'm trying to ground and be mindful and get my head more leveled.

I'm ok... I'm still doing pretty well considering.  The nightmares are still not keeping me awake.  This was just a weird side track for the week.  I guess the road to recovery isn't a straight line?  :Idunno:

i guess it isn't.  that was quite an experience for you.  i'm glad you and your t were able to figure it out.

sending love and a hug filled with grounding :hug:

Deep Blue, I would have been really badly triggered in that situation too. I'm really happy for you that you can say you're doing OK. Seems like a pretty quick recovery to me. Which means Wow! Good going on your part! :thumbup:

Sending good thoughts and grounding  :hug:

No wonder you were triggered.  :stars: Glad you were able to process with T. The recovery road is definitely not straight!

Another thought, based on what you have shared in the past, I'm wondering if you had heard that statement from you massage therapist several months ago, if your state of dissociation would have been longer than 2 1/2 days? I have seen a lot of growth in you in your journey.

San,
Thanks for the hugs.  Yes grounding... lots of it.

Blueberry, thanks for pointing out that my recovery from dissociating was shorter this time.  Honestly it helps and no way a trigger like that would have left me after 2 days before. 

Not alone,
You pointing out the growth feels good.  Thanks  :hug: 
————————————————-
I'm still a bit fuzzy.  I'm not sure if it's vertigo or that I'm still a little dissociated.

I'm still doing ok considering. 

I'm feeling more positive and I know that dissociation happens sometimes.  And that is ok! My brain is just trying to protect me.  Now I'm just working to tell my brain that it's ok.  I'm safe now and the fight or flight doesn't need to kick in all the time now. 

So yeah.. hopefully with enough mindfulness and grounding I'll feel back to normal again soon. ❤️

it's so good to hear you say you're feeling more positive.  what a difference from a couple months ago!   :yourock:  great work you've been doing.   :thumbup:  love and hugs  :hug:

I would have felt hugely triggered in the situation you describe. I think you've handled it well, and I'm so glad you can see the progress you're making.

Had an appointment with the psychiatrist today. 

I told her about the episode of dissociation last week.  She said, that even though I probably don't want to hear it, she thinks there will be more of that to come.  She said I've spend so much time with anxiety... now my mind is not jumping to a panic attack like it used to.  It has to have some coping strategy to fall back on.

She was right, I did not want to hear that.  It makes me worried for the future.

On the other hand, things are still going well for me.  The what if's are still positive.

What if my trauma isn't actually bigger than me?
What if I can move past the trauma and be less effected by it?
What if I can break this up and down roller coaster I've been on for so long?

So it's positive and I am grateful to have hope again.  Hope beats anxiety almost every time 💙

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :yeahthat:

i love how our brains take care of us.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi all!
Things are still going pretty well with me.  I have gotten out and exercised every day this week so that makes me very happy.

I see my T again on Monday but have been feeling very stable in general. I went on a walk with a friend this week and she said I seem so much more myself.  Feels good to hear that

 :grouphug:

Delighted to hear this, Deep Blue.

That's awesome!  :cheer:

Dear Deep Blue,

:cheer:  This is wonderful to hear.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hello all!
A productive week for me.  I got some exercise and hit my step goal every day!

I've been collecting food for a local charity.  Kids in my school district on free/reduced lunch are hurting right now.  I collected about 6 boxes of items for them.  Took them off to the food drive donation center today.  I hope they get more donations cuz it looked like there was not that many people there yet. 

So yeah, feeling good here! 💙

More good news from me!  We got a kitten! We have named him Dodger. 

He's a black and white (cow cat) American shorthair. He also is polydactyl.  So he has some extra toes.

Him and my son seem to be enjoying themselves.

💙

Hooray! Dodger sounds wonderful! :cheer:

We had a dog who was polydactyl - the pound we adopted him from had named him Six Toes  ;D

Congrats on your new family member! 🐱

Hi Deep Blue,
So excited for you, regarding your lovely kitten.  Dodger sounds really wonderful. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

I'm excited for you for your new kitten. They are so cute and fun.

Here is a picture of our little Dodger. 

This week I was thinking about my pets and how much joy they bring to my life.  I know some people have support animals, therapy animals, or even service animals... but there is really something to it.

My pets each have such different personalities.  My 13 year old cat is chubby and a full on mama's boy.  He loves to cuddle with me and fall asleep in my lap.

My dog is 10.  He is a loyal sweet boy.  He wouldn't hurt a fly... no really! I saw him actually get scared by one! Ha ha

The new kitten is sweet and playful.  He loves to play with my son and husband.  He likes to cuddle and explore and look at his own reflection.  I'm pretty sure he thinks we have another kitten that looks identical to him because he keeps talking to his reflection!

Night night all 💙

 :hug: your description of your pets made me smile.  We currently only have a cat that likes everyone else in the house before me but she is sweet. When I graduate next spring I plan to get a puppy for me.  To have a a kind of therapy pet.  :grouphug: Have a good night

Deep Blue, I'm smiling at the description of your pets too! I'm so happy for you that you can have moments of joy or comfort with them.  :)  :hug:

I have guinea pigs and although they're not really into being cuddled, I often sit and talk to them  :)

Pets are so wonderful. A kitten is always such a joy. Your description of your pets made me smile too. Pets really make a difference!

Animal companions bring us such joy!  :hug:

Very allergic to cats but love them and dogs too. 

Dodger looks adorable!

He's got thumbs! So cute!

I've just seen Dodger now, and he is gorgeous.
Hope  :)

Hello all,
Had a bit of a hiccup and dissociated again but only for a day.  Good news is that I knew the signs and became aware of it myself this time.  (Progress)

My T fit me in on Friday and by the end of the day I was back to normal.  I went for a walk with a friend and the residual kinda dissipated. 

I am a bit annoyed that no matter how many things I check off my to do list, more things keep coming up!!!

Lawn guy blew us off and didn't give us an estimate for some landscaping stuff.  I told husband to ask his landscaping friend... of course he didn't.

It's summer and we have an exhaust type fan in the attic.  Well now it's not working.  I told my husband about it last week and he said I was wrong.  Well he changed his tune today.  House gets hot at night and I hate sweating in my sleep.

I've also told my husband about 30 times that we need the pest people to come and put more bait in the traps outside.  We have a rodent problem at our house.  It's mostly voles, but my husband changed our pest people and now I don't have the info.

It's so frustrating cuz he drags his feet to do anything. I'm the one that doesn't work over the summer.  I hate random road blocks because he isn't helping me out. 

Ugh... sometimes the fact that he is so type B and I'm so type A is a good thing.  He levels me out.  In situations like this, it ads to my stress. 

Deep breath and going to try to have a nice nights sleep tonight and wake up with more patience tomorrow.

💙

Quote from: Deep Blue on June 21, 2020, 02:08:50 AM
Had a bit of a hiccup and dissociated again but only for a day.  Good news is that I knew the signs and became aware of it myself this time.  (Progress)

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :hug:

Hi all,
It's been a beat since I felt like posting.

Things are going well here.  I'm sleeping much better.  I still get triggered but not as much.  The big ones are still there. 

I'm sad to report that it seems that my psychiatrist was right.  She said that since I'm not having panic attacks like I used to, that I'd probably dissociate more.  I do dissociate more than I used to.  Good news it isn't that often anymore.

Last week my friend and I went for a hike.  She told me her poison ivy had spread on her stomach again.  Just hearing her talk about the clothing item that may have caused it was enough to make me dissociate later.

Then this week I injured my back.  I actually didn't know if it was really injured or if was a body memory.  I saw my T first... she noticed I had dissociated but I told her I hadn't.  Then I went to the chiropractor and he confirmed I had indeed injured it.  Whether the pain was real or a body memory it caused a reaction in me. 
****** trigger warning*****



It brought me back to how I felt after the PA.  My body hurt and I'd try to hide it.  I wouldn't let people see me limp. I would always bite down on my lip hard so I didn't yell out.  And no crying... I was not allowed to cry.   

*** end trigger warning***

Wow I unpacked quite a bit of baggage today.  Maybe I'll come back later and see if what I wrote makes any kind of sense.
Much love all 💙

 :hug: nice to hear from you I'm half you are making it. Sometimes we need to distance ourselves to give ourselves a little break.  Hugs :hug: life is hard don't beat yourself up for dissociating it happens to protect us when we aren't ready to deal with stuff.   :hug:

I find physical pain triggering also. You did unpack a lot and you made sense.  :hug:

Dear Deep Blue,
You have unpacked such a lot there, and it made sense to me as well.   :hug:
I'm glad you're sleeping much better. 
I hope your back pain improves so you can get some relief soon.
Hope  :)

Hello all,
Been feeling good considering school is about to start up.  I'm in a strange situation because I'm in a different district than my son.  He will be doing online schooling and I will be back in person.

I start up Friday of next week.

The annoying thing is that my vertigo rocked my world yesterday and I'm still feeling the effects today.  I'm hopeful I'm back to normal by tomorrow.

Take care all!

Ugh, vertigo is the worst! Hope you're feeling better  :hug:

Sending much support, Deep Blue :hug: . Thank you for updating us, and as 3R said, vertigo does suck (although I haven't had it that much). :)

Vertigo is gone I think! Yay!  It was rough there for a few days.

School starts for me this Friday.  My son is looking forward to going back to daycare because I've kept him home through all this. Problem is we will have to limit contact with my in laws and my family now that my son will be in daycare.

So yeah, some intrepidation about the upcoming week but hoping that others will be in the same boat as me and I can adjust accordingly.

 :hug: So glad to hear the vertigo is gone!  :cheer:

Hope your first day back at school goes well.

Hope today goes smoothly!

Hi Deep Blue,
I really hope that your first day back at school was ok.
:hug:
Hope  :)

Not alone, hope, 3R,
First day went well.  It was a lot of meetings and preparations for the upcoming year. 

It looks like I will be teaching 4 different classes.  I long for the way things used to be, where I could see my students and hug them and ask them about their summers.

Now it's all social distancing, cleaning protocols and online curriculum.  Frustrating but all I can do is to keep on keeping on.

Much love to you all!

 :heythere: 💙

Much love to you too Deep Blue.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hope you're doing okay, Blue!
Thinking of you

It's been a long time...

I had to get away from the forum for awhile.  I'm scared of my trauma becoming too much a part of who I am.  I do believe that my trauma is bigger than me.  I figure most of us do...

I'm scared of always dealing with fallout from my abuse.  I told a friend that I don't want to be a "lifer" on the forum. I don't want to be a lifer in therapy, I want to heal fully... I want to move on.

 :hug: I've missed you  deepblue I hope you have been well.  I think we'll all have those hopes. :grouphug:

Hi Deep Blue,
I've missed you too.   :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thinking of you.

Wishing you a happy new year!

Hi Deep Blue,
I also care about you, and I've been thinking about you, and hoping that you're ok.  I realise you're not feeling ok at all at the moment, but I hope that whatever you do, you can be kind to yourself.

Sending you a heartfelt hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

Hi Deep Blue! I wanted to send you my support, too. I am fairly new around here, but I can understand the empty feeling of not knowing how long recovery will take... It's hard to know what you're aiming for when you've never been there before.

One thing I have seen since joining this community (and discovering CPTSD this last summer) is that people here are able to show compassion and empathy in ways that many can't because of the experiences they have gone through. There is a depth and beauty in the recovery, even though it is painfully hard. And I'm sure you know this, but I just wanted to remind you that we are here to stand with you. I am reminding myself of that as I am writing this  :)