My Community

Treatment, Self-Help & Recovery => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Deep Blue on May 12, 2020, 01:02:23 PM

Title: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on May 12, 2020, 01:02:23 PM
Hello all,
I feel like Iím moving in the right direction and wanted to start a new journal to reflect that.

Iíve been on the new medication for anxiety and sleep for a bit now.  Things are going well on it.  It can make me groggy and a bit dizzy at night (bathroom trips become interesting) but it has really improved my sleep. 

Nightmares are still there, but I am able to go to sleep pretty quickly now.  Iíve been tracking my sleep.  A month ago, I was awake for about 3 hours a night.  Now Iím down to about an hour!

Sleep is so restorative.  Iím handling therapy better too! We are still doing emd (restricted). Next step is to get into emd (unrestricted).  I have some anxiety about that because I donít trust where my mind will go if given full range.

My T says Iím ready. My positive belief that I feel is true, is that Iím moving in the right direction.  The thing that is holding me back is that Iím not sure I will be able to handle it.  I will have to see how it goes first before I will know...

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: notalone on May 12, 2020, 01:44:04 PM
Deep Blue, I'm glad to hear about the positive things that are happening.  :cheer:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on May 12, 2020, 03:47:22 PM
Hi Deep Blue,
Wishing you the best with your new journal, and so glad to hear you're sleeping better than you did before.   :cheer:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on May 12, 2020, 05:21:06 PM
FWIW I believe you will be able to handle it. I'm in your corner.  :cheer:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on May 13, 2020, 01:48:18 PM
Not alone and Hope,
Thanks for the warm wishes  ;D  Itís good to hear from you both.

3R,
Ha ha thanks for the encouragement.  I have hope that you are right and can handle it.  Iím just kind of a tangible person, so I need to experience it first before Iíll be able to answer that question... makes sense?
óóóóóóóóóóóóóóóóóó
I slept well again last night. Woke up feeling good.  Did some work stuff and now Iím gonna do some school stuff with my kid.

Iím bribing him with legos to do the work.  Husband doesnít like it.  He said I shouldnít bribe him to do something that he should already be doing.  The thing is, itís my sanity I am protecting here.  Iím tired of the tantrums over schoolwork from him.  Yes I have more patience these days...  but I want school to be an enjoyable experience for us both
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on May 13, 2020, 01:59:09 PM
As far as bribery... I've heard it said that adults are bribed to go to work by getting a paycheck, haha! I'm all for whatever keeps the peace in these stressful times. You might want to tell your husband that teachers regularly use bribery to help motivate students (they just have different phraseology for it :bigwink:).
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 13, 2020, 03:17:39 PM
 :yeahthat:

so glad things are going in a positive direction, so much so that your journal is reflecting it.  yay! :cheer:

i have faith in both your t and you that, while it may get bumpy at times, you'll be able to manage.  love and hugs, dear heart. :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Sceal on May 15, 2020, 07:58:36 PM
Glad you're feeling better, Blue. And that your'e getting better sleep :) It's so important.

Perhaps tell that husband of yours that if he doesn't like, then he can deal with the tantrums and the teaching and helping with the homework. :P
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: notalone on May 15, 2020, 10:06:44 PM
Iím bribing him with legos to do the work.

We call that "positive reinforcement." I'm all in favor of that.
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on May 19, 2020, 10:18:06 PM
Hit a heavy trigger yesterday.  I had a flashback but no panic attack.

I have been dizzy since last night though.  Ive have really bad vertigo all day.

Hope itís gone tomorrow
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Snookiebookie2 on May 20, 2020, 05:04:08 AM
Sending a hug Deep Blue x  :hug:

I hate it when I get triggered. I hope you have managed to work through this and that you're feeling better today.

Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on May 21, 2020, 09:11:36 PM
Thanks snookiebookie.
óóóóóóóóóóóóóóóó
Well things got crazy for me the last few days but Iím doing better now. 

Long story short... I had a trigger when I was getting a deep tissue massage.  Heís a talker and I see him about once a week.  I know getting a massage sounds relaxing, but that is not the type I get.  He does deep muscle massage, sometimes Iím covered in bruises when he is finished.  Itís painful, but within a couple days it really seems to help me.

So anyway, Iím face down on the table and he was talking about adhd...

******trigger warning**** pa
So he says that he prob has had adhd His whole life. Says that he wished his parents knew about it then... said that his parents..... (deep breath.... Iím gonna try to be brave right now and type this) his parents punished him with a b*** when he wouldnít stay still... then he said that he remembers getting a c... said that he remembers a word with each syllable.... and I was gone.


*****End trigger warning *******
Flashback hit and I Donít remember the rest of the massage.  Usually Iím totally aware when he is working on painful muscles etc... nope I zoned out completely.

I got home that night and felt dizzy.  I went to bed early.

Next day I woke up... still dizzy... I slept pretty much all of the day away.

Yesterday I felt less light headed but still had a couple dizzy spells.

So then I went to therapy today.  My T said I seemed distant... zoned out... i told her Iíd been dizzy and assumed I was just tired.

Finally I told her what happened with my massage guy and she helped me put the pieces together.  I dissociated for 2 and a half days!!!! I didnít realize it!

Yes I still have some light headedness but Iím trying to ground and be mindful and get my head more leveled.

Iím ok... Iím still doing pretty well considering.  The nightmares are still not keeping me awake.  This was just a weird side track for the week.  I guess the road to recovery isnít a straight line?  :Idunno:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 21, 2020, 11:13:15 PM
i guess it isn't.  that was quite an experience for you.  i'm glad you and your t were able to figure it out.

sending love and a hug filled with grounding :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Blueberry on May 22, 2020, 09:41:33 PM
Deep Blue, I would have been really badly triggered in that situation too. I'm really happy for you that you can say you're doing OK. Seems like a pretty quick recovery to me. Which means Wow! Good going on your part! :thumbup:

Sending good thoughts and grounding  :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: notalone on May 22, 2020, 10:44:00 PM
No wonder you were triggered.  :stars: Glad you were able to process with T. The recovery road is definitely not straight!
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: notalone on May 22, 2020, 10:48:31 PM
Another thought, based on what you have shared in the past, I'm wondering if you had heard that statement from you massage therapist several months ago, if your state of dissociation would have been longer than 2 1/2 days? I have seen a lot of growth in you in your journey.
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on May 23, 2020, 01:40:10 AM
San,
Thanks for the hugs.  Yes grounding... lots of it.

Blueberry, thanks for pointing out that my recovery from dissociating was shorter this time.  Honestly it helps and no way a trigger like that would have left me after 2 days before. 

Not alone,
You pointing out the growth feels good.  Thanks  :hug: 
óóóóóóóóóóóóóóóó-
Iím still a bit fuzzy.  Iím not sure if itís vertigo or that Iím still a little dissociated.

Iím still doing ok considering. 

Iím feeling more positive and I know that dissociation happens sometimes.  And that is ok! My brain is just trying to protect me.  Now Iím just working to tell my brain that itís ok.  Iím safe now and the fight or flight doesnít need to kick in all the time now. 

So yeah.. hopefully with enough mindfulness and grounding Iíll feel back to normal again soon. ❤️
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 23, 2020, 04:32:49 AM
it's so good to hear you say you're feeling more positive.  what a difference from a couple months ago!   :yourock:  great work you've been doing.   :thumbup:  love and hugs  :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Snowdrop on May 23, 2020, 05:47:40 AM
I would have felt hugely triggered in the situation you describe. I think you've handled it well, and I'm so glad you can see the progress you're making.
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on May 27, 2020, 01:50:02 AM
Had an appointment with the psychiatrist today. 

I told her about the episode of dissociation last week.  She said, that even though I probably donít want to hear it, she thinks there will be more of that to come.  She said Iíve spend so much time with anxiety... now my mind is not jumping to a panic attack like it used to.  It has to have some coping strategy to fall back on.

She was right, I did not want to hear that.  It makes me worried for the future.

On the other hand, things are still going well for me.  The what ifís are still positive.

What if my trauma isnít actually bigger than me?
What if I can move past the trauma and be less effected by it?
What if I can break this up and down roller coaster Iíve been on for so long?

So itís positive and I am grateful to have hope again.  Hope beats anxiety almost every time 💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on May 27, 2020, 02:06:26 AM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 27, 2020, 03:51:27 AM
 :yeahthat:

i love how our brains take care of us.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on May 30, 2020, 02:10:38 AM
Hi all!
Things are still going pretty well with me.  I have gotten out and exercised every day this week so that makes me very happy.

I see my T again on Monday but have been feeling very stable in general. I went on a walk with a friend this week and she said I seem so much more myself.  Feels good to hear that
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: notalone on May 30, 2020, 02:18:32 AM
 :grouphug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Snowdrop on May 30, 2020, 03:58:51 AM
Delighted to hear this, Deep Blue.
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on May 30, 2020, 02:03:38 PM
That's awesome!  :cheer:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on June 03, 2020, 06:35:11 PM
Dear Deep Blue,

:cheer:  This is wonderful to hear.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on June 06, 2020, 06:42:07 PM
Hello all!
A productive week for me.  I got some exercise and hit my step goal every day!

Iíve been collecting food for a local charity.  Kids in my school district on free/reduced lunch are hurting right now.  I collected about 6 boxes of items for them.  Took them off to the food drive donation center today.  I hope they get more donations cuz it looked like there was not that many people there yet. 

So yeah, feeling good here! 💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on June 07, 2020, 03:03:57 AM
💙 :cheer:💙 :cheer:💙 :cheer:💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on June 11, 2020, 03:47:41 PM
More good news from me!  We got a kitten! We have named him Dodger. 

Heís a black and white (cow cat) American shorthair. He also is polydactyl.  So he has some extra toes.

Him and my son seem to be enjoying themselves.

💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Snowdrop on June 11, 2020, 04:42:33 PM
Hooray! Dodger sounds wonderful! :cheer:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on June 11, 2020, 05:35:09 PM
We had a dog who was polydactyl - the pound we adopted him from had named him Six Toes  ;D

Congrats on your new family member! 🐱
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on June 12, 2020, 07:44:07 PM
Hi Deep Blue,
So excited for you, regarding your lovely kitten.  Dodger sounds really wonderful. 
 :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: notalone on June 12, 2020, 09:56:30 PM
I'm excited for you for your new kitten. They are so cute and fun.
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on June 13, 2020, 12:18:11 PM
Here is a picture of our little Dodger. 
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on June 14, 2020, 03:09:20 AM
This week I was thinking about my pets and how much joy they bring to my life.  I know some people have support animals, therapy animals, or even service animals... but there is really something to it.

My pets each have such different personalities.  My 13 year old cat is chubby and a full on mamaís boy.  He loves to cuddle with me and fall asleep in my lap.

My dog is 10.  He is a loyal sweet boy.  He wouldnít hurt a fly... no really! I saw him actually get scared by one! Ha ha

The new kitten is sweet and playful.  He loves to play with my son and husband.  He likes to cuddle and explore and look at his own reflection.  Iím pretty sure he thinks we have another kitten that looks identical to him because he keeps talking to his reflection!

Night night all 💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Tee on June 14, 2020, 04:31:23 AM
 :hug: your description of your pets made me smile.  We currently only have a cat that likes everyone else in the house before me but she is sweet. When I graduate next spring I plan to get a puppy for me.  To have a a kind of therapy pet.  :grouphug: Have a good night
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Blueberry on June 14, 2020, 11:07:22 AM
Deep Blue, I'm smiling at the description of your pets too! I'm so happy for you that you can have moments of joy or comfort with them.  :)  :hug:

I have guinea pigs and although they're not really into being cuddled, I often sit and talk to them  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: owl25 on June 14, 2020, 11:58:53 AM
Pets are so wonderful. A kitten is always such a joy. Your description of your pets made me smile too. Pets really make a difference!
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on June 14, 2020, 12:56:37 PM
Animal companions bring us such joy!  :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Kizzie on June 15, 2020, 08:46:03 PM
Very allergic to cats but love them and dogs too. 
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Snowdrop on June 15, 2020, 08:53:02 PM
Dodger looks adorable!
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: owl25 on June 16, 2020, 02:03:12 AM
He's got thumbs! So cute!
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on June 18, 2020, 03:35:40 PM
I've just seen Dodger now, and he is gorgeous.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on June 21, 2020, 02:08:50 AM
Hello all,
Had a bit of a hiccup and dissociated again but only for a day.  Good news is that I knew the signs and became aware of it myself this time.  (Progress)

My T fit me in on Friday and by the end of the day I was back to normal.  I went for a walk with a friend and the residual kinda dissipated. 

I am a bit annoyed that no matter how many things I check off my to do list, more things keep coming up!!!

Lawn guy blew us off and didnít give us an estimate for some landscaping stuff.  I told husband to ask his landscaping friend... of course he didnít.

Itís summer and we have an exhaust type fan in the attic.  Well now itís not working.  I told my husband about it last week and he said I was wrong.  Well he changed his tune today.  House gets hot at night and I hate sweating in my sleep.

Iíve also told my husband about 30 times that we need the pest people to come and put more bait in the traps outside.  We have a rodent problem at our house.  Itís mostly voles, but my husband changed our pest people and now I donít have the info.

Itís so frustrating cuz he drags his feet to do anything. Iím the one that doesnít work over the summer.  I hate random road blocks because he isnít helping me out. 

Ugh... sometimes the fact that he is so type B and Iím so type A is a good thing.  He levels me out.  In situations like this, it ads to my stress. 

Deep breath and going to try to have a nice nights sleep tonight and wake up with more patience tomorrow.

💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Blueberry on June 21, 2020, 06:24:46 AM
Had a bit of a hiccup and dissociated again but only for a day.  Good news is that I knew the signs and became aware of it myself this time.  (Progress)

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on June 21, 2020, 05:01:14 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on July 23, 2020, 10:31:02 PM
Hi all,
Itís been a beat since I felt like posting.

Things are going well here.  Iím sleeping much better.  I still get triggered but not as much.  The big ones are still there. 

Iím sad to report that it seems that my psychiatrist was right.  She said that since Iím not having panic attacks like I used to, that Iíd probably dissociate more.  I do dissociate more than I used to.  Good news it isnít that often anymore.

Last week my friend and I went for a hike.  She told me her poison ivy had spread on her stomach again.  Just hearing her talk about the clothing item that may have caused it was enough to make me dissociate later.

Then this week I injured my back.  I actually didnít know if it was really injured or if was a body memory.  I saw my T first... she noticed I had dissociated but I told her I hadnít.  Then I went to the chiropractor and he confirmed I had indeed injured it.  Whether the pain was real or a body memory it caused a reaction in me. 
****** trigger warning*****



It brought me back to how I felt after the PA.  My body hurt and Iíd try to hide it.  I wouldnít let people see me limp. I would always bite down on my lip hard so I didnít yell out.  And no crying... I was not allowed to cry.   

*** end trigger warning***

Wow I unpacked quite a bit of baggage today.  Maybe Iíll come back later and see if what I wrote makes any kind of sense.
Much love all 💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Tee on July 23, 2020, 10:42:58 PM
 :hug: nice to hear from you Iím half you are making it. Sometimes we need to distance ourselves to give ourselves a little break.  Hugs :hug: life is hard donít beat yourself up for dissociating it happens to protect us when we arenít ready to deal with stuff.   :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: notalone on July 25, 2020, 10:20:34 PM
I find physical pain triggering also. You did unpack a lot and you made sense.  :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on August 07, 2020, 12:54:07 PM
Dear Deep Blue,
You have unpacked such a lot there, and it made sense to me as well.   :hug:
I'm glad you're sleeping much better. 
I hope your back pain improves so you can get some relief soon.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on August 08, 2020, 09:25:30 PM
Hello all,
Been feeling good considering school is about to start up.  Iím in a strange situation because Iím in a different district than my son.  He will be doing online schooling and I will be back in person.

I start up Friday of next week.

The annoying thing is that my vertigo rocked my world yesterday and Iím still feeling the effects today.  Iím hopeful Iím back to normal by tomorrow.

Take care all!
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on August 08, 2020, 10:46:14 PM
Ugh, vertigo is the worst! Hope you're feeling better  :hug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: marta1234 on August 09, 2020, 04:27:10 AM
Sending much support, Deep Blue :hug: . Thank you for updating us, and as 3R said, vertigo does suck (although I havenít had it that much). :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on August 12, 2020, 01:54:04 PM
Vertigo is gone I think! Yay!  It was rough there for a few days.

School starts for me this Friday.  My son is looking forward to going back to daycare because Iíve kept him home through all this. Problem is we will have to limit contact with my in laws and my family now that my son will be in daycare.

So yeah, some intrepidation about the upcoming week but hoping that others will be in the same boat as me and I can adjust accordingly.
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on August 12, 2020, 03:46:18 PM
 :hug: So glad to hear the vertigo is gone!  :cheer:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: notalone on August 14, 2020, 03:43:17 AM
Hope your first day back at school goes well.
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on August 14, 2020, 03:21:54 PM
Hope today goes smoothly!
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on August 15, 2020, 10:39:27 AM
Hi Deep Blue,
I really hope that your first day back at school was ok.
 :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on August 16, 2020, 02:36:12 AM
Not alone, hope, 3R,
First day went well.  It was a lot of meetings and preparations for the upcoming year. 

It looks like I will be teaching 4 different classes.  I long for the way things used to be, where I could see my students and hug them and ask them about their summers.

Now itís all social distancing, cleaning protocols and online curriculum.  Frustrating but all I can do is to keep on keeping on.

Much love to you all!
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Three Roses on August 16, 2020, 02:55:05 AM
 :heythere: 💙
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on August 31, 2020, 02:57:18 PM
Much love to you too Deep Blue.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Sceal on September 04, 2020, 06:45:00 AM
Hope you're doing okay, Blue!
Thinking of you
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Deep Blue on November 22, 2020, 09:37:51 PM
Itís been a long time...

I had to get away from the forum for awhile.  Iím scared of my trauma becoming too much a part of who I am.  I do believe that my trauma is bigger than me.  I figure most of us do...

Iím scared of always dealing with fallout from my abuse.  I told a friend that I donít want to be a ďliferĒ on the forum. I donít want to be a lifer in therapy, I want to heal fully... I want to move on.

Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Tee on November 22, 2020, 10:34:51 PM
 :hug: I've missed you  deepblue I hope you have been well.  I think we'll all have those hopes. :grouphug:
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on December 04, 2020, 03:18:25 PM
Hi Deep Blue,
I've missed you too.   :hug: 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Sceal on January 02, 2021, 02:55:58 PM
Thinking of you.

Wishing you a happy new year!
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Hope67 on January 15, 2021, 01:09:52 PM
Hi Deep Blue,
I also care about you, and I've been thinking about you, and hoping that you're ok.  I realise you're not feeling ok at all at the moment, but I hope that whatever you do, you can be kind to yourself.

Sending you a heartfelt hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
Post by: Pioneer on January 15, 2021, 10:24:38 PM
Hi Deep Blue! I wanted to send you my support, too. I am fairly new around here, but I can understand the empty feeling of not knowing how long recovery will take... It's hard to know what you're aiming for when you've never been there before.

One thing I have seen since joining this community (and discovering CPTSD this last summer) is that people here are able to show compassion and empathy in ways that many can't because of the experiences they have gone through. There is a depth and beauty in the recovery, even though it is painfully hard. And I'm sure you know this, but I just wanted to remind you that we are here to stand with you. I am reminding myself of that as I am writing this  :)