Out of the Storm

I am quite nervous to start this journal, but part of me is really drawn to do so. I feel a bit scared to, as if I haven't been here long enough to be allowed. I only just joined in the past week, so who am I to deserve to write about my experience and ask people to listen to me?

I don't quite know how I found this forum, but it was out of desperation that I tried to find a forum for people with complex trauma. When I first found this place, I still felt very disconnected, and like it probably wouldn't help much either, nothing else had. But I started reading, and.. it feels like coming home. I belong here. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere, but I belong here and I'm not alone anymore.

I have been so frustrated in the past because past therapists, helplines and online articles I'd find would always suggest grounding techniques for dealing with what I now think were emotional flashbacks. It would upset me because all that was doing was dismissing my distress. It was just another way to get rid of something unpleasant that no one wanted to deal with. It increased the pain, that no one was there for me, that I was expected to just solve it on my own - exactly the message I got from my parents every time I was upset. I refused to apply those techniques. I refused to work on practicing breathing as a means to calm myself down. I suffered through the agony of the flashback and the rage and hopelessness that nothing would ever work. I raged against the idea that only I could help myself. I couldn't - I didn't know how, and no therapist I talked to seemed to get that. I kept telling them, I do not know how to do this. I don't think they could grasp that, as it was likely so different from their own experience. I felt unheard and unseen and left to deal on my own.

I have spent a lot of time distracting by researching trauma online, and found myself drawn to anything to do with parts. It resonated with me. It scared me at first, but kept reading about it. I came across Internal Family Systems maybe 5 years ago, but it was one of many therapy approaches and too "new" for it to be available to me where I live. I muddled on, found Pete Walker's website, but found his style of writing too hard to read. I couldn't really follow a lot of what he was saying. Some of it seemed interesting, but not applicable. I have gone back to him this week, decided to not let the more difficult writing get in the way. More of makes sense to me now, and also, after reading on this site the 3 additional symptoms of complex PTSD, I feel like this fits for me.

There is more I'd like to say but I think I'll leave it at this for now.

Owl, I'm glad you found courage to start your journal. And I relate to your view on grounding techniques or just mental health in general. I think it's because I see most of these techniques or "tips" like ways of just subduing the pain, and not addressing it (which it is actually then opposite of). So I think I have to work to addressing the trauma (maybe therapy) to open myself up to the grounding techniques. I also many times have found books on cptsd to be too much, although I'm starting to warm up to Pete Walker's book. I say it's ok to find the books overwhelming, and the information that they show. It takes time to digest it all. For me, I tell myself to see myself as a child reading these books, and so taking it slowly and not pushing certain topics (like grieving, "silver lining", relationships) until I feel I'm ready or I want to.

Hope you find your way around the many books, and sending you support for your journal :hug:

QuoteI started reading, and.. it feels like coming home. I belong here.

Yes, you do.  :yes: You're one of us, part of the "tribe".

QuoteI have never felt like I belonged anywhere, but I belong here and I'm not alone anymore.

This is my experience, too.

You have every bit as much right as anyone to express your pain, struggles, or even victories here as anyone else. This site is meant for you.

I plan on returning to therapy at some point and am most interested in IFS. Have you seen Richard Schwartz on YouTube? I bought his book but have taken a break from it.

You may also find some comfort in the Zoom meetings that NAASCA founder Bill Murray has implemented. You don't have to appear on camera, or speak (although it's encouraged). At most you will be addressed and asked if you want to speak but it's not uncommon for people to choose to remain silent, even so far as to just type their answer to the host's invitation to speak. You will have to register to attend these. Here's where you can do that - https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_lES7QufkTha0_-Rs7DCh-w

I'm sorry if my previous reply to a post of yours was further triggering. My apologies.

I am glad you are feeling heard and like you belong. You are not alone and you have a right to have a voice.

Quote from: owl25 on May 17, 2020, 12:54:36 PM
I have been so frustrated in the past because past therapists, helplines and online articles I'd find would always suggest grounding techniques for dealing with what I now think were emotional flashbacks. It would upset me because all that was doing was dismissing my distress.

In Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard C. Schwartz & Martha Sweezy, they state: "If we follow the same grounding procedure with a client who is weeping in terror, the exile who has taken over is likely to hear a message that is all too familiar: go away." (p.270) Since you mentioned IFS, I thought that would interest you. Also, there are others feel the way that you do.

marta1234 I completely agree with you about the grounding, it makes so much sense to me. I wish mental health professionals understood that. With books, I read as fast as I can because I just want to fix things as fast as possible. I am realizing I have to slow down,  and that is hard. I just want to be healed already.

Thank you Three Roses. It does feel like a tribe, something that's always been missing for me.

Yes, I have seen Richard Schwartz, I think he really got on to something. What book do you have?  Thank you for sharing that zoom meeting, that is good to know.

It's ok about the trigger, you couldn't have known, and I'm sorry too if my deleting my posts was upsetting.

notalone thank you - part of me knows I have a right to a voice, but other parts need some help with that still.

That is really validating what they said in that book. That is exactly it. It's like the mental health profession is blind to this. It's all about symptom management, because most don't know any better. Thank you for sharing that. I have been thinking of ordering that book, but was wondering if it is meant for clients or more for therapists?
---

Feeling really anxious right now because it feels like there is a lot of upheaval in my life, and I'm on my own to try and manage it.

I just found a new podcast, it's all about IFS, no idea that existed. If anyone is interested, the episode I listened to is here: https://theoneinside.libsyn.com/ifs-and-richard-schwartz. I really liked this interview a lot, it goes further than just the introductory interviews I've heard where he mostly tells the same story of when he first stumbled into the concept of parts.

No, deleting your post was not upsetting to me, but even if it had been you are still completely free to post and delete posts here without fearing you're upsetting someone.  :yes:

The book I was referring to is "Internal Family Systems Therapy". Here's a link to part 1 of 4 on Richard Schwartz talking about IFS - https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M IFS 1of 4

I'm relieved that it didn't upset you, Three Roses. Glad to know  :yes: Thanks for the link, I have seen that one before, it's a good starting point. Thanks for the book title - I've been wondering which one I should get as a starting point, as there are several.

I've found the Internal Family Systems Therapy book by Richard Schwartz to be hugely useful. I can definitely recommend it.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

In my opinion, if you've not read a book about cptsd or healing, a better starting point would be "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, or "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" by Pete Walker. Just my opinion.  :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop and sanmagic7  :)  :hug:

Thanks Three Roses, I've read The Body Keeps the Score, and am looking into ordering Pete Walker's book. I more meant that I wasn't sure which IFS book to focus on first, as I really think it is going to be the key for my healing.  I've done a ton of reading over the years so already built up quite a bit of knowledge about trauma in general, but it feels like it's all starting to come together more now. Thank you  :hug:

I haven't had enough time yet to be able to read and respond to others here. There is such a wealth of information here. I am also in the midst of a lot of things happening. With time I'll get to reading more and replying.
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Yesterday was an intense day. I spent time with different parts during different parts of the day. It has been possible due to reading others' experiences with IFS here, combined with the little I have been able to do with my new therapist, whom I'm only just starting to get to know. It really is brand new for me and I am only at the start of this. But, despite things still being early stages, some major changes are starting to happen already. The hopelessness has been replaced with hope, and there is a reduction of fear. It's been a bit of a bumpy ride, and may still continue to be so. I am exhausted from lack of sleep, some of it due to my own anxiety, some of it due to accidentally being woken up much too early and not being able to get back to sleep after.

One huge change that I can feel: for the past 4-5 years I have been terrified of the weekends and holidays, because it meant being left on my own again. I spent all my time suffering. My main coping go to was to just freeze. Not all weekends were as bad, and as time went by, it got a little better and occasionally a weekend would be okay. But it never really went away and I felt paralyzed. It started to feel worse again recently, until this weekend. I didn't want to spend all my time on useless media. I wanted to spend time with myself. I enjoyed being with myself. Despite the physical fatigue, I was able to do tasks around the house - something I've struggled with for a long time now. Today it's back to work and I am actually looking forward to the weekend so I can spend much more time with myself and parts of me. For years now the weekends were so dreaded, and it was work I looked forward to because it gave me stability and safety.

There is more I'd like to share but have to leave it at this for now.

That sounds really positive Owl. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop. Your journal has really had an impact.  The past couple of days I have followed your approach to check in with various parts. I am amazed at the connections I have been able to make. Thank you so much for sharing your journey, it has helped me hugely.  :hug:

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I need to write this here before I forget this - it keeps slipping in and out of my awareness today. This morning I was woken up far too early, and did not get to sleep til several hours later. I then was dreaming, and the dream connected me to a really important message from a part. The message is that my walls are still up, even with the person closest to me, and the reason for that is because of how bad the pain of rejection is. I could physically feel a deep pain inside me while I was dreaming. Even within the dream I kept forgetting, and was trying to remember the message, and it kept coming back to me. Forget, remember, forget, remember. I almost forgot again, but something I read in another post reminded me. So I am putting it here to remind myself, because it is really important. I need to work on these walls, because they are keeping me stuck in an old and familiar place of isolation and not being able to truly connect with others. This causes its own pain and I want to move past this. But the pain of rejection is so deep and painful that it's really scary to risk letting the walls down.

I'm so glad you've found my journal helpful. Making those connections is fascinating. :hug:

Today is a bit more difficult. My head feels fuzzy and there's a strange sort of uncomfortable pressure in my head. There's a part of me that is petrified. It's really scared of changes I am having to make in my life. These changes involve opening myself up to connection with others. It feels risky and really scary. I think I am afraid of being hurt like I was when I was so little. The pain of rejection was too much, and I had to put up walls and not let anyone in to protect myself. I have not been able to check in with other parts  of me due to this part being very present. I am also feeling really, really tired.

Things are feeling unsettled. I read some of other members' stories and even though there wasn't anything graphic in what I read, I think it overwhelmed and maybe triggered me.

Even before this I wasn't feeling quite okay. I was doing well earlier in the week, and connecting with parts. A different part however has prevented me from continuing to check in with myself the last few days. This is making me worry that I am abandoning those other parts and that any connection I've built is now undone.

I'm feeling that uncomfortable pressure and somewhat fuzzy feeling in my head again.

I took a step forward yesterday with opening up a little more to my OH. Part of me now is feeling panicked about this. I'm afraid of change, and yet change is needed and I don't have much choice, as my withdrawal and disconnection have been putting pressure on the relationship. So I took a step forward even though I was really scared. It was hard but it went surprisingly well, and yet today I'm feeling panicked about it. I don't feel safe opening up, even though I know my OH would never use anything against me. It brought us closer together, and felt okay yesterday, but right now in this moment this closeness doesn't feel safe. I want to withdraw and run again. I'm scared.

QuoteA different part however has prevented me from continuing to check in with myself the last few days. This is making me worry that I am abandoning those other parts and that any connection I've built is now undone.

Well done for recognising that a different part has become involved. I wonder if it might be worth seeing if you can be curious about this part. Is it the same part that's scared of opening up?

When things like this have happened to me, I've found it helpful to ask the part why it doesn't want me to connect with certain other parts. It might have a protective role, or there might be something it's scared of and it needs reassurance.

Please ignore these thoughts if they're not helpful.

Well done for opening up. I can imagine what a big deal that must have been. :hug:

Snowdrop, I've been having that thought too, to check in with that part from a place of Self, but it hasn't allowed me to. I feel like it's kind of taken over. I feel anxiety around trying to connect with it. It does feel like it's a protector and that it's scared. It's the same part that is scared of opening up. It's a very strong and big protector, I think it's the main one that's kept me safe all these years.

It was hard to open up. I did it more out of necessity than feeling ready for it. That leaves me with some mixed feelings around this. I know it would have been better if I could have had all parts of me on board, but circumstances didn't allow for that.

Thanks for the support, it helps a lot  :hug:

I've started having nightmares again the past two early mornings about my mother's death. The worst of it is when I wake up, to know that it's all real. She really is gone. She loved me but because of her own hurts was emotionally unavailable. My mother's death was another trauma. It happened so fast and she suffered so much. She loved me and I loved her and she's gone. I recognize her own likely cPTSD and I hurt for her. The nightmares are awful and I don't want to feel what they make me feel.

I'm sorry Owl. I hear your pain. :hug:

QuoteI've been having that thought too, to check in with that part from a place of Self, but it hasn't allowed me to. I feel like it's kind of taken over.

I can experience that sometimes too. What can help me is if I ask the part to step back a bit, give me space and stop overwhelming me. I tell the part that I can give it attention and listen to it without it dominating me. It usually then steps back and gives me space.

Please ignore if this doesn't feel right for you. I'm just trying to think about what's helped me in similar situations.

so very sorry owl for all the pain you're feeling, and that it's even coming at you in your sleep.  my heart is with you, and my hand is reaching out for a touch on the shoulder or arm, just to connect in a compassionate way. 

i'm very glad for you that you opened up and it went well.  i know that panicky feeling afterwards, too.  i even have it sometimes here on the forum.  i've found that it usually fades away on its own after nothing bad happens.  i thought it was quite courageous of you to allow a bit more closeness in your relationship.  that can be pretty frightening when we're not used to it.

well done, owl. :thumbup:  love and hugs to you :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop and sanmagic7, your words are much appreciated.

I'm feeling really down today. I'm tired of having to work at changing. I don't care about making friends and forming close relationships. I'd much rather be alone.

Sorry you're having a rough time today owl. Hopefully you feel better soon. You must be really stressed with what you've been through lately, and the dreams that keep it a fresh reality. Its so difficult. Its understandable that you just want to focus on yourself with all this going on. Hang in there though. You can take some of my energy if you need it! :)

Here's a hug for you, from me to all your parts :hug: Hope you find some relief, maybe a blanket and some tea might help? We're all here for you :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

Thanks Jazzy, would love to borrow some energy from you  :) Thanks marta1234, I wasn't able to accept a blanket and tea at first, but think I can now. Thanks notalone  :hug:

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I'm finding things are a rollercoaster for me.  From one day to the next it's something completely different causing me major distress. Not wanting to have to change. Realizing I have to, for the sake of my family, because I am passing my burdens on to them and they deserve better. Nightmares around losing my mother. Abandonment triggers and reliving the terror of being abandoned.

I'm finding it hard to go back to trying to work with parts after the depression that kicked in over the weekend. I find I am never focused on one thing. Just jumping from one panic to the next. It's like Im flitting around, like I'm being kept occupied, going in circles, but never really going anywhere. This journal isn't anything like I thought it would be.

Those rollercoasters can be nasty. I hope yours ends soon and you feel better.

Do you have some grounding techniques that would help you? Maybe you could try writing things down in a private journal as they come up, and the steps you take to help deal with them. That way you can review it when they come up again and at least you can see what you have accomplished.

QuoteThis journal isn't anything like I thought it would be.

My journal isn't what I thought it would be either. But it is what I needed to help me. :)

All the best!

Note - this post got a lot longer than expected. I would be grateful for anyone who might take the time to read all of it. I have marked potentially triggering content and put the content in white text - highlight to read.

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I'm not feeling the best right now. It's morning and I've just woken up. I think I may be in that EF place again. It started last night before sleep though, this feeling, usually it's just when I wake up in the morning. I have quite the headache as well.

I have had a really stressful week with big ups and big downs. Something really difficult happened this week that I can't describe, but could be considered traumatic. I also partially feel to blame for it. I also wonder if I at some level made it happen in response to the positive feelings I've been having - hope and excitement about recovery, because I can see the potential in the IFS work I am doing. So I am really quite upset with myself for some choices I made this week (I remember thinking, maybe I shouldn't do this) that caused a major problem and it got me hurt in the process.

--- Not sure if this might be a TRIGGER - description of feelings in EF ----

I feel sick to my stomach and I recognize this feeling of being in an EF where life just feels like a giant, sickening, scary, inescapable nightmare.

--- END TRIGGER

I am also working on changing things in my relationship. I want to be able to wake in the mornings feeling happy and relaxed, and spending time with my husband. Mornings feel like EF time. I wake up tense and anxious, or tense and afraid. I don't feel safe. I can't bear to be touched and just want to withdraw and pull away. I know I want to wake up rested and feeling good and happy. Some part of me doesn't seem to want this. It feels unsafe. It is pushing back against the positive feelings I've had this week. It wants to keep me in the same familiar place of suffering. My parents are both gone now. I've said to myself a few times now that it's over. The childhood I had, and their painful influence are over and done with. I have my husband and kids now and all the trauma is in the past now. Nothing can happen anymore with my parents, they can't hurt me anymore.

--- Not sure if this might be a TRIGGER - description of feelings in EF ----

And yet I feel sick and frightened. I feel unsafe, and like I want to escape this life because it feels like a horror show.

--- END TRIGGER

What a contrast this feeling is to the hope, peace, and calm I have experienced earlier this week. The knowledge that everything is going to be okay. I am going to be okay. I am going to be free of being emotionally hurt by others. I am going to be free of the hurt caused in the past.

I feel sick and awful. There's a part of me that's making me feel this way. It's a horrible feeling.

--- Not sure if this might be a TRIGGER - description of feelings in EF ----

I feel like I'm going to die or want to die, it all feels so awful.

--- END TRIGGER

I know this isn't real. I know this feeling will pass. And yet I can't pull myself out of this. It feels like now a migraine is forming, which will prevent me from doing things today that need doing. To be fair though, I missed a total of at least a full night's sleep this week and never had a chance to recover due to things that were going on this week. The anxiety of it all kept me from sleeping.

How do I help this part of me? How do I help it not to feel this way? I will try to talk to my therapist about it next session, but I'm worried something else will pop up for me instead. What feels pressing changes from moment to moment. Another way I might be avoiding actually changing anything. If I jump around all the time, then I can't focus on any one thing, and I stay in this limbo. I know IFS will help but I haven't had enough practice yet and can't do things very well yet.

What happened with my parents really hurts. It really hurts. I suspect my father was a bit of a narcissist. My mother had a bit of an angry streak to her, but I think it's because of all the stress she was under being married to my father, in combination with her own childhood in a family that didn't know how to validate emotions and work things out. My father did some really nasty things. He was always in a battle with people around him. Most of his focus was on my mother, and others, but I got caught up in the sidelines with him and he really hurt me too the times he put his focus on me.

It's all over now, and now all the past is coming to the surface and I have to grieve it all. I know there was a part of my father buried inside him that did love me. I saw glimpses of that part. But most of the time it wasn't present. I never really had a father. He was mostly absent, working 80 hour weeks (and I suspect off drinking, I didn't see much of it at home). My mother was left to raise us on her own pretty much. And she had no warmth to give, despite her love for us. She loved us, it's clear as day now, but it wasn't so clear at the time. Feelings couldn't be talked about. Feelings felt shameful. I don't think she realized her approach to things was a shaming approach. Likely she had been raised in a similar fashion. We repeat what we know.

I used to not be able to do this, hold that a person could both love you and at the same time not be capable of showing that love. I could not hold the idea that I could both love a person and be angry with them at the same time. The moment I felt angry, any affection or love would evaporate. It would turn into an "I hate you" feeling. Anger and love were always mutually exclusive. It's taken time but now I see how those things can co-exist at the same time. The "I hate you" feeling doesn't come alongside anger I feel anymore. The anger is less intense, and I am aware that I still love the person I am angry with.

My father's pain and hurt must have been so big, it blocked out any love he could feel for anyone in those moments. Unfortunately those moments were the majority of his life.

I was so angry and hated him so much by the end of his life. I dared to say no to him at the very end. By his response I realized how emotionally abusive he was. My no triggered a very hostile campaign against me. He knew he was dying, but hadn't told anyone other than his second wife. I didn't know he was dying. But he clearly was worse than he had ever been. My last interactions with him were very traumatic and I realized how horrible he had been to me as a teen, and the grip he had on us as a family my whole life. The grip he had on everyone around him. Except his second wife. He didn't treat her that way, because he needed someone to look after him.

The anger and hate I have felt for him the years since he died is starting to change a little. Maybe that's only because my mother is now gone too.

I am heartbroken about the family I had. The emotionally abusive monster my father had been. The pain and hurt it all caused that should never have happened. What my mother suffered with him, the things I know about that she told me and the things I can only guess at. The way things should have been, if only.

I really would like for this morning EF to ease. It's my most difficult EF that I haven't been able to work through.

Part of me want to say that I am really, really sad today and I miss my family and I wish they were there but in a safe way. I miss the parts that I loved about them. And now I'm full on crying.

Sorry Jazzy, just realized I hadn't replied to your reply - that's a great suggestion! For grounding I am learning to breathe and to sit with the emotion like I do during a session with my new therapist as a grounding technique, but I still need a lot of practice.

One note of progress I would like to record here: the feeling that I have to change for others because of how I affect them has shifted. Another wise therapist in my life asked me whether the change that is needed is something I actually want for myself. Because if the motivation is to try to do it just for others, then it's going to create a lot of anxiety and make it harder. Realizing I want it for me, and that it's not something to work on out of obligation for others, is a huge shift. It does change how I feel about the work that needs to be put in and lightens that load.

Quote from: owl25 on May 30, 2020, 12:31:13 PMI will try to talk to my therapist about it next session, but I'm worried something else will pop up for me instead. What feels pressing changes from moment to moment. Another way I might be avoiding actually changing anything. If I jump around all the time, then I can't focus on any one thing, and I stay in this limbo.

I used to feel (and still often feel) like the urgent that I needed to talk about in session would be trumped by another urgent then another urgent would come up. You have a lot going on, a lot you are dealing with. Only you can decide if you are avoiding change, but maybe the jumping around is because there is so much to deal with.

:yeahthat:

Thanks notalone and Three Roses, that could be it as well. I always have felt overwhelmed by everything.

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I woke up this morning and instantly felt the anxiety and the urge to not be touched and pull away. I've been curious about the experience the past few mornings and been trying to connect with it and see what it's about. It's a strong physiological feeling, almost like a buzzing feeling in my limbs.

I hadn't gone to check in with the various parts of me in several days. Last week my teen part blocked me on that. This part was the one that didn't want to have to change, and was feeling afraid of change. At some point in the last week it spontaneously allowed me to check in on other parts that I had started to work with. All parts were okay. Then somehow I lost track of doing this daily. I decided to check in with them this morning.

The parts I was connected to two weeks ago were a 6 year old, a 4 year old, an 8 year old, a 10/11 year old, the teen, and a baby. The 6 year old was forgotten at school by the adult that was supposed to get her (not a family member). The 4 year old - I can't remember right now what happened for her that she was showing me. The 8 year old ran away from school and got in trouble for it at home instead of the love and care she needed. The 10/11 year old was crumpled on the floor. The teen was crumpled on the ground in our garden. The baby needed holding.

I need to finish this later.

Continued
I worked with each part over a couple of days. I was able to be there with them and help them feel a bit safer and calmer. I helped them all be able to go to bed and get some rest. Eventually I was able to bring all of them together in the same room so they wouldn't be alone and they could sleep together there. The 8 year old wasn't ready for that and wanted to be alone.

The teen after that wouldn't allow me to check in. Things got a bit messy after that. Last week's session helped the teen to trust this process a bit more, but still feeling scared. Then a few days ago she suddenly let me check in on the others. They were still in the room, and okay. I forgot to check the past few days. I checked this morning. They were all feeling like they'd been left and stuck in the room together. I brought them downstairs in our house, while I started to make breakfast. There is an overall feeling of emptiness and aloneness, even though all these parts are together now. The 8 year old has joined but still feeling withdrawn from the rest.

I'm not sure at this point how to help. The emptiness and aloneness is all parts of me being in the home I grew up in, and there are no other adults there. No one is there. We are a group of children in an empty house. My mother is gone. She was always there, always in that house.

I feel really sad and a bit useless. Beyond being there and making breakfast, I don't know what to do next.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now, Owl. :hug:

I think you're doing well with your parts. You've identified various parts, they've shared experiences with you, and you've been listening to their needs. These are all good things :yes:.

QuoteI feel really sad and a bit useless... I don't know what to do next.

When I've felt like this, it's usually been because I've been blended with a part, and there's not enough space for my Self. I wonder if it's possible that you're currently blended with a part that feels sad, useless and doesn't know what to do? Just a thought.

Thank you Snowdrop. :hug: I'm not very consistent yet in being there for the different parts, but it's been a good start. It has noticeably made things easier for me the past couple of weeks than they would have been in the past.

I was thinking that same thing when I wrote about feeling sad and useless, that that must be another part. However, I can't seem to shift away from that part enough to engage with it. I'm being blocked on being more in Self. Maybe it's teen me again. That part of me has essentially been the one to have to take care of everything, even when it's too much for a teen and requires an adult.

Hi Owl,
I just wanted to say 'hello' - and wish you the best with your journal and working with parts.  I've seen you around and wanted to say 'welcome' - I meant to say that to you before, but time passed by, and so I thought, I'll pop by and say it today in your journal. 
Hope  :)

Hi Hope, thank you for saying hi and welcoming me, it makes me feel very welcome. I have been reading some of your journal too but haven't felt like I had much to offer in response yet. Nice to meet you :)

Things change so fast and so quickly from one day to the next. A lot of emotional changes. I've been a bit focused on my mornings the past few days, trying to explore and figure out what exactly goes on for me, why does my body feel on edge and on guard, what do I feel and think, what can I do to try and shift it? I have tried to connect with different parts of myself, and they are disconnected from me, like they don't know I am there. I think there's a part of me that is on guard when I first wake up and it's not really allowing me to connect. It must be protecting me from something. I appreciated that yesterday morning and so decided to stop pushing and try to figure out what goes on for me in the mornings. Then this morning there was a change. The first thought I had was that I didn't want my mother. I didn't want her here and I didn't want to be around her. I mentally was pushing her away from me. It was as if in a way some part of me thought she was still around, and probably downstairs, and that I would have to interact with her.

I feel in the mornings like I need a bubble all around me and like I want to push my partner away. Stay away so I can just be. This was the same feeling, but instead it was about her. It surprised me because I have been grieving her for quite a while now. But maybe this is an insight on how I felt in the mornings in my family home.

It's really quite difficult and confusing because I loved her too. She loved me too. So to have these other feelings around her is hard.

A couple of days ago I connected with my 11 year old self. I can't really write about the details of it, but I did want to make note of it here. There is grief around that part of me and my mother. In hindsight, my mother would have been there more for me than I understood at the time. It might have changed some things for me, had I known back then. But I didn't. So much lost time for both of us. I miss her so much.  :'(

I have very conflicting feelings about my mom. It's hard to sit with that. Black or white is easier to understand.

I think you're doing a good job of allowing yourself the time and openness to look inside yourself.

I finally am reading Pete Walker's book. Some things that stood out for me:

"First, the good news about Cptsd. It is a learned set of responses, and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks. This means that it is environmentally, not genetically, caused. In other words, unlike most of the diagnoses it is confused with, it is neither inborn nor characterological. As such, it is learned. It is not inscribed in your DNA. It is a disorder caused by nurture [or rather the lack of it] not nature.

This is especially good news because what is learned can be unlearned and vice versa. What was not provided by your parents can now be provided by yourself and others."  (page 1, 2)

(Bolded by me) This to me translates into hope (and also solidifies the hope I have regained recently). This can be unlearned and recovered from.

And:
"A key aspect of the abandonment depression in Cptsd is the lack of a sense of belonging to humanity, life, anyone, or anything."  (p 38)

This really resonates for me, the lack of belonging. I found a sense of belonging when I found this forum. The difference it makes is mind-boggling.

 :fireworks:          Hope & Belonging

Thank you notalone, for both your posts  :hug:

"Many therapists see Cptsd as an attachment disorder. This means that as a child the survivor grew up without a safe adult to healthily bond with. As bears repeating, Cptsd almost always has emotional neglect at its core. A key outcome of this is that the child has no one in his formative years who models the relational skills that are necessary to create intimacy.
    When the developmental need to practice healthy relating with a caretaker is unmet, survivors typically struggle to find and maintain healthy supportive relationships in their adult lives."  (p 50.) (bolded by me)

"The Origin of Social Anxiety
A child who grows up with no reliable human source of love, support and protection typically falls into a great deal of social unease. He "naturally" become reluctant to seek support from anyone, and he is forced to adopt self-sufficiency as a survival strategy.
     Needing anything from others can feel especially dangerous. The survivor's innate capacity to experience comfort and support in relationships becomes very limited or non-existent. This despite the fact that many high functioning survivors learn to socially function quite adequately." (p 50.) (bolded by me)

The time machine fantasy

Pete Walker talks about the time machine rescue operation on page 62 of his complex PTSD book.

This is really interesting as I have had a fantasy of travelling back in time to rescue myself. To see it in print in his book is really interesting.

I also remember as a child, maybe from age 8 - 10, I used to look for myself. I hoped that maybe my adult self would come from the future to rescue me. That there would be some kind of time machine that would allow grown up me to come for me.

If there were a time machine today, I would go back and help me, and stop all the bad things from happening.

I recently read the time machine concept in his book and found the idea intriguing.  What has your experience been using it or how do you see yourself using it? 

Quote from: owl25 on June 07, 2020, 12:26:24 AM
"Many therapists see Cptsd as an attachment disorder. This means that as a child the survivor grew up without a safe adult to healthily bond with. As bears repeating, Cptsd almost always has emotional neglect at its core. A key outcome of this is that the child has no one in his formative years who models the relational skills that are necessary to create intimacy.
    When the developmental need to practice healthy relating with a caretaker is unmet, survivors typically struggle to find and maintain healthy supportive relationships in their adult lives."  (p 50.) (bolded by me)

"The Origin of Social Anxiety
A child who grows up with no reliable human source of love, support and protection typically falls into a great deal of social unease. He "naturally" become reluctant to seek support from anyone, and he is forced to adopt self-sufficiency as a survival strategy.
     Needing anything from others can feel especially dangerous. The survivor's innate capacity to experience comfort and support in relationships becomes very limited or non-existent. This despite the fact that many high functioning survivors learn to socially function quite adequately." (p 50.) (bolded by me)

Wow... this really resonated with me.

I wanted to come by and send you a big hug of support for the progress that you're making, owl.  :hug: Thank you for sharing the excerpts from Pete Walker's book, some of them I haven't read. They really resonate with me.
I wanted to add, if it's ok, to what rainydiary asked, and that I've also experienced many times the "time machine". I've written letters to my future self and have also imagined rescuing me from a traumatic experience.

Sending you lots of support and hugs :hug:

Hi buddy, I know, right!? It does kind of blow you away.

marta, thank you for the support and hugs  :hug: I'm glad the excerpts are helping you too. I hadn't thought of writing letters to future me, but that is a good way of expressing what help and support you need.

rainydiary and marta,  I just thought it was so interesting that I had my own time machine thoughts and then there Pete Walker was talking about what he calls the time machine rescue operation! I'll try to explain what I do and hopefully it makes sense.

What I'll do is I'll sometimes think about the past and connect a bit with the part of me that holds all the unprocessed feelings of how it felt to be in that situation (whatever situation I am thinking of). I have told myself that if I could, if there were a time machine, I would go back for me and rescue me. I picture what I would do if I could. I envision my adult self showing up in the past where my younger self still is and envision comforting younger me. I visualize me at that age and me now, both in the past and together. I visualize giving myself the care, love and comfort that I so badly needed at the time. I sometimes try to visualize bringing that part back with me, to the here and now, but that hasn't fit yet, and I think I'm not ready for that yet. So that's okay, I stay and keep that part company for a little while. Sometimes that part of me doesn't want me to leave (like when I have to get back to my responsibilities in my day here), so then I tell it it can keep me company while I do things, it doesn't have to go away again and be alone in the past. In a strange way what I end up doing is comforting myself, and keeping myself company.

This is a bit different from what Pete Walker does, where he shows his younger self how he's going to confront his parents, send them to bed without dessert (this made me laugh), call CPS, make them take parenting classes, etc.  I think what works is whatever your hurt self needs from you. I seem to kind of instinctively know what I need, and sometimes I try something and it doesn't feel right so I don't say or do it inside myself. So far I have not involved other people from back then at all, it's been just me. I think because right now that feels safest.

From Chapter 5, What If I Was Never Hit

"Denial about the traumatic effects of childhood abandonment can seriously hamper your ability to recover. In childhood, ongoing emotional neglect typically creates overwhelming feelings of fear, shame and emptiness. As an adult survivor, you may continuously flashback into this abandonment melange. Recovering depends on realizing that fear, shame and depression are the lingering effects of a loveless childhood. Without such understanding, your crucial, unmet needs for comforting human connection can strand you in a great deal of unnecessary suffering." (p 89.)

The Evolutionary Basis of Attachment Needs, p96-98
It is too much to quote, but yes to everything, he describes exactly my experience. From an evolutionary perspective, we are hardwired as infants to fear separation from an adult, because it literally could mean death because of predators. Separation from an adult, if it goes on too long, will be experienced as abandonment, and so we cry to get the parent's attention. When emotionally neglected, the attention never comes, and this is terrifying and leads us to over time develop feeling unwanted and unloved, unimportant and terrified. This evolves into trying to read cues, trying to be perfect, starting to see the pattern that asking for attention elicits rejection from a parent. We become hypervigilant to what can go wrong, and catastrophize everything. Over time we learn to not ask at all, and we learn to ask no one. We learn people are dangerous, and this turns into social anxiety or phobia.

"In adult life, all 4F types are commonly ambivalent about real intimacy. This is because closeness often triggers us into painful emotional flashbacks. It reminds us of how we had to survive without comforting connection in childhood. Our 4F defences therefore offer protection against further re-abandonment by precluding the type of vulnerable relating that leads to deeper bonding." (p 108).

I can see how this applies to me, but to both my parents as well.

Feeling somewhat hopeless today. A very strong and powerful part of me does not want to move forward. I understand it's protective, but it overtakes me completely and I can't fight it. There is so much anger towards those who were supposed to protect me and care for me, those who were supposed to help me, and towards myself for not being able to fix how I feel. I had a terrible childhood. Terrible in the sense of absolute terror and loneliness, and having to shove those feelings aside to get by. Feelings were not talked about. Feelings were shameful. Anger from me was shut down and not accepted. I was left to stew on my own and solve the problem by myself. I was shamed for crying as a young child. My father was a bully and I remember being afraid of him when I was older when I messed up something he had given me special instructions not to mess up. There was no warmth or loving touch in my home. I grew up in a cold, emotionless, shaming and critical environment, without any emotional support, or ever any repairs made by my parents if I was hurt or angry because of them. My father was a real jerk, and couldn't care less about my feelings. I was supposed to give him what he needed from me instead, and when of course I didn't meet his unspoken expectations, there was * to pay.

I have a pattern of getting really really angry with others, but also unable to tell them I am angry. I will rage and be furious, but not a word to the offender. Expressing anger is too scary. I can't be open and honest about the hurt I feel. Anger is not safe to show.

I am stuck, I am stuck in the same place I have been stuck in for the past several years. I have doubts about therapy, and if it can ever really work for me. I'm in a funk and a mood and just want to hide away from the world and any responsibilities I have. I have no trust in others or myself to help me heal. People have failed me from the very start, and I fail myself. If I can't even help myself, how is anything ever supposed to get better?

Sorry to hear you're feeling hopeless Owl.

It can be very unpleasant, but I think resistance and anger is part of the healing journey. Its okay to be angry sometimes. It is a good response to being mistreated. I dealt with overpowering anger for a long time. After a while I started taking a mood stabilizer and sedatives to help with it, so maybe that's something you can look in to if you think its dangerous or destructive.

Therapy is good, but only a part of the solution, not the entirety of it. I know a lot some of us are resistant to traditional therapy. I've found this forum better than any therapist I've seen.

Hang in there! :)

Owl, you are not alone in this. I am so sorry for what you're going through right now, and, hopefully not stepping out of line, for your life with trauma. I hope you understand what I mean.
I have yet to feel the unimaginable anger and fear that your parts are feeling, but it'll probably come to me. Just know, that it's ok, and you're here. You are no longer there; where expressing anger was forbidden and only brings you fear. I wish I could take all of your parts that are angry and scared, and give each of them their favorite blanket and comfort.

Remember, you're not alone and you are strong. But taking a break from healing is also ok. And needed a lot of times. :hug: Hope you feel better :)

I feel dizzy and I feel sick. My head is spinning. Maybe because one part of me sees a possible next step forward and another part of me doesn't want for me to do that. The other part of me doesn't want to engage with me, doesn't want things to change, doesn't want to stop freezing and blocking on life. It especially doesn't want to have a conversation with me where I might shift things, and pushes me away. I feel nauseous. Feeling stuck.

Somehow this part shared with me how scared it is of things changing. I didn't know how frightened I am of trying to make things better. What if I can't make them better? What if the new therapy I started doesn't work for me, then what? I would be devastated. This part was showing me how it couldn't cope if I got let down again.

I don't like this separate-ness within myself. I don't like that I live half the time in one headspace, where everything seems neutral and fine, and another part of me is living with pain, fear, and anger that I am completely disconnected from. I don't like being separate. How can I have such fear within myself of no help being possible for me, and not know I feel that way? How can I not know myself? This really bothers me.

I don't like being separate and I don't want to stay separate. I am worried but I don't know why. I struggle to access Self. Maybe I'm worried I'll never have enough access to Self to every really get anywhere. Maybe I'm frustrated that I can't do connect more with it than I have been, and worried it won't improve.

Thanks Jazzy and marta for your earlier posts.  :hug:

Today was difficult. Usually the mornings settle me and any anxiety from waking eventually goes away, but not today. Today it turned into a weird pressure in my head. I wanted to tend to myself, but didn't have the quiet and space for it for most of the day. Once that started to become available, I noticed I was feeling a bit afraid of connecting with what was going on. It was good to recognize that. I gave myself a bit more time to gain a little courage before I sat with myself. Then, it felt like I just couldn't connect with myself. Resistance from different parts. The feeling that I just don't know how to do this, but then, that's a part too, that keeps saying that. It then turned into, "you always mess it up and make things worse" (when trying to connect with parts). (I have messed up in trying to work with parts). Then fear. Fear of connecting with feelings and of what's there (whatever it is - I am so disconnected that I don't know). Then it kind of felt like I went into a daze. It felt like a different part of me was me, a part that's been blocked or pushed away somehow. I felt feelings I didn't really know were there.

I can't get my head around how there are sets of feelings and thoughts that feel like they aren't really mine, and that I have no awareness of until I start to experience them somehow.

This part of me didn't want to have to go away again and for its feelings to be locked away again. I didn't really know how to respond. Another part (protector likely) eventually came and felt it was enough.

I don't like any of this. I don't like the disconnection to my feelings, I don't like the sense that different parts of me are locked away. I don't like that these parts feel so separate from me. I don't feel whole, and it really bothers me.

I also don't feel very able to change this.

 :hug:

Hi owl,

I'm sorry to hear you had a rough day, that's tough. I wish I could offer some friendly words and that I can relate to it (the different parts) but I'm just starting to look into IFS.

I can relate to  being disconnected from your feelings and not feeling whole. I have a very hard time understanding myself and for me there always feels like something is missing.

You are heard. I hope you get through this and start tomorrow anew and refreshed. Ready to tackle your different parts again.  You can change this but sometimes progress is slow.

I feel worse. Things aren't working. Want to give up. Can't do this.

Quote from: owl25 on June 12, 2020, 08:57:27 PM
I feel worse. Things aren't working. Want to give up. Can't do this.

I understand those feelings. I spoke something very similar to my therapist yesterday and wrote very similar in my journal today.

It feels awful. Right now I am sitting on my patio and listening to the birds. The storm is still raging, but for the moment I am experiencing some calm. Are there one or two things you could do that would bring a little calm? It might not make the storm go away, but might help you not to capsize.

I think I need to quit therapy. I don't think I can find the right person to help me. I've been through several people. I can't take the pain when a session goes awry. I'm not fixable. The pain is too much. I want to heal but I don't think it's possible for me. They are still trying to figure this out. If they still don't have the answers then what can be done?

I am paralyzed and can't move from the pain. There is no point in reaching out to any therapist because it just ends up being made worse every time. I don't know why I keep going back.

Owl, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you finally find a therapist that will help you or at least find a new means to heal.

:hug:

Thanks notalone and buddy for replying. Sorry I didn't respond, it's been really difficult. I'm struggling.

I woke at 4:30 this morning. Fear in my chest, then it moved to the pit of my stomach. I feel absolutely drained. Slow to move when I walk or am up. My energy is being sucked out of me. Part of me feels like I'm drowning. Part of me feels like I'm dying. Part of me yesterday took over completely after a session that didn't end well and I feel completely hopeless. I am now looking into another T.. much more than I can afford, so am thinking it will have to be every two weeks even though weekly would be better for me. I am fearful that if it doesn't work out, that I'll really be out of options and I will just die emotionally. I feel paralyzed right now and am fearful of it becoming crippling if I cannot find the right T for me. Resources are scarce, I don't live in a big metropolitan area, so this has me scared. What if I just can't find what I need?

This is the opposite of what I have been feeling the past couple of weeks. I had improvement, more energy, hope. I felt more capable. All of that is gone. I have doubts about my T, and asked more questions, but the answers have not helped to reassure this is the right person for me.

I'm so scared that in the end there won't be the proper help for me and that I will end up living my life out in misery and depression. It's not fair to my H or kids if that happens. I am scared that my protectors are so strong they won't allow me to work on things and will sabotage any efforts. I feel like there's been a lot of that and I understand it's to protect, but the resulting hopelessness makes me feel like I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I don't know what to do, the protectors are too strong.

I hear that it's hard. I hear that the fear and hopelessness feels overwhelming. But hang in there. It's ok. You're safe.

My understanding is that it can take time to find the right T, but I'm sure that the right one is out there for you.

Sending you love and warm hugs of support. :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop. I hope you're right. I'm scared it won't be possible for me. There was no help as a child and I am so afraid there is no help for me now either. I hope this is okay to ask, are you doing your IFS work on your own? I would if I could but the protectors aren't allowing it. It feels like I do need outside guidance. But from your journal it seems like you're managing on your own?

I'm perfectly fine with you asking questions :).

Yes, I'm doing IFS work on my own. I started reading the Richard Schwartz Internal Family Systems Therapy book early November last year, and lots of things seemed to click into place as I read it. It also resonated with other things I was familiar with. I started putting IFS into practice a couple (?) of weeks later.

I think one of the key things for me has been to do what I can to build my Self, if that makes sense. Some of that has involved me spending time recognising when I'm blended with a part, then asking that part to unblend so that I'm back to being my Self.

I hope this helps. :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop. My biggest struggle is parts of me not wanting to allow for Self to be present. I don't know how to resolve that. I'm scared to death. It feels completely unsafe.

That makes me wonder what the parts who are scared are so frightened of. Why they feel unsafe.

One possibility is that they might be stuck in the past. I very often find that when I start working with a part, they don't know I'm an adult. I ask them how old they think I am, and they think I'm still a child. When I tell them how old I am, that I'm my Self and that the Self can heal parts, they tend to calm down and listen. I don't know if something like this might help with your protectors?

The other thing I have to do is communicate with each part individually. If they're in a group, it can be a bit :aaauuugh:. Sometimes protector parts can be scared of other protector parts, so I have to talk to them individually, then negotiate with them in order for them all to calm down.

Have you tried listening to any Richard Schwartz guided meditations? There are some on YouTube. I find they can help me be more in my Self. I find shamanic drumming tracks help too.

Thanks Snowdrop, that is helpful. I'm not really sure what's happening. I got feedback earlier in the week from a protector that is afraid of change, as in really afraid. It surprised me how strong the fear was. I think there is more than one protector, because when I tried to talk to what I thought was the main one, a different came up and blocked that from happening. I think these particular ones do know I'm an adult (I think?), they just don't trust me. When I make a mistake that gets me hurt, they rail against me. Why should they allow me to to negotiate with them when I make mistakes that unleash the pain? It also doesn't help that adults have always failed me. Why should the adult I am be any different?

A couple of times I've listened to a talk by Richard Schwartz and he'd do a short guided meditation as an exercise, but there too I feel protectors getting in the way and not allowing it.

I had this same experience, owl, trying to participate in a guided exercise recently. It was as if the protector(s) had locked away all the other parts and I couldn't see or talk to them. Frustrating.

I don't know if this helps, but when I first started using IFS, it was like I had a tangled ball of protectors. I'd try and talk to one, and another would pop up to stop me. I'd try and talk to that one, and I'd get another one. Sometimes the part would appear, sometimes they'd blend with me so that I felt scared, frustrated, or something else that wasn't Self-like.

I got through it by continuing from part to part until I reached the end of the line of protectors, and wasn't blended with any of them. I was able to feel curious about that final part, and care about it.

The whole thing felt a bit like untangling a big ball of wool. I had to find the right bit of wool to tug in order to start untangling the mess.

QuoteIt also doesn't help that adults have always failed me. Why should the adult I am be any different?

I had this response from parts as well. I found it helpful to tell them that I wasn't just an adult, I was my Self, and then explain to them what that meant. I remember that with a few parts, it was as though they couldn't see me properly at first, but when I told them I was my Self, the fog cleared and they could see me properly.

Three Roses, it is frustrating for sure. I'm sorry you run into the same problem. It does help to know it's not just me. I hope we can both figure this out for ourselves.

Snowdrop, the way you describe that, I think that's what goes on for me too.  Just one part after the other pops up, and I then get confused, as I don't know if I am still talking to the same part from a moment ago, or if it's a different one. It does indeed feel like a big tangled ball of wool. This is really helpful, thank you so much for sharing this. I was getting so lost in the confusion of it all, and like this was impossible for me. It gives me a little more hope and also a bit of clarity on what's probably happening.

I really struggle to access Self and to really feel like I'm in Self. I think I have some Self-like parts (which morph into the master protector? I get so confused) and so I think I might be in Self when I'm not. That gets in the way too. I feel like Self is continually being covered over by another part somehow, making me invisible.

I read something a while back about telling the difference between the Self and a Self-like part. If you see yourself doing things as though from the outside looking in, you're blended with a Self-like part. If you don't see yourself doing things, and it's like your vision is on the inside looking out, you're your Self. I hope that makes sense!

Snowdrop, that does make sense, I'll try that, thank you!

This makes me wonder about when I was with parts a couple of weeks ago. The scene I left behind was me keeping them company with them tucked into bed so they wouldn't have to be alone. I thought Self was staying with them while I went off to do present day things. That must have been a Self-like part instead? Can Self go off somewhere by itself? It sounds like that's not possible?

I wonder if it might have been a Self-like part. I think it's generally best to try and keep your Self with you.

One thing I've found helpful is to give each part their own safe space to hang out in. My parts have chosen caves, treehouses, libraries and craft rooms. The parts can still meet up if they want to. Some want to do this, some don't.

I had read about safe spaces before and tried that, but parts weren't ready to leave the family home. So I guess I got creative and kept them company with what now turns out to have been a Self-like part. It makes sense to keep Self with me and to not try to have it be elsewhere.

Thanks so much for sharing what you know, Snowdrop, it helps immensely.  :hug:

I'm glad it's helped. :hug:

Still having nightmares around my mother's death. The franticness around the empty house keeps coming back. I'm there, all I have is limited time. All her things are there, but she's gone and it's horrible. I keep reliving it in the nightmares. I don't know how to release this trauma.

I'm allowing myself to feel the loss right now. I have so many regrets. So many things I wish I could take back. I had gone NC. Then she got ill. I stayed NC. My mother meant well. She didn't intend to hurt me, but it got to the point where I felt terror at the thought of contact with her. I couldn't come out of NC even though I knew she didn't have much time left. I can't forgive myself for this. Even though I know I was terrified of being hurt again. I simply could not reconnect. Flashbacks overtook me. She was a massive trigger I had no defense against. It kept me away from her. She hurt me so badly. She had no idea how much she hurt me. I want to undo things. I want to go back in time and change my reactions. I want to take back the insights I have now and make different decisions back then. There are no do-overs in life. We only get one shot. Why can't I go back and fix things?

I miss her horribly. She loved me. I hurt her. We hurt each other. Neither of us meant to. We just didn't know how to change things. The burdens of the past affected everything.

I wish I believed in another realm or the afterlife or something. I wish I believed she's still there, part of the universe, waiting for me. I wish I would get signs from her to indicate her presence. I know many people experience these from people who've died whom they loved. I wish, I wish, I wish these things were true for me. I'm so sorry for what happened and that I couldn't change my end of things somehow. We needed help and no one helped us. I wish I believed she's still there, somehow, out there. That everything will be okay in the end.

This grief feels just as raw as before. I think most of the time I block the feelings around this. I wake up in the mornings from another house nightmare. I feel the fear. I feel powerless to change it or shift it. I just put up with it. I get started on my day. Eventually it passes, and I get on with my day. No sadness most days. I've been feeling some pangs the past few days. Part of me doesn't want to feel the pain of this loss. It's too easy to avoid.

It hurts so much. I want my mother back.

I feel like I carry double the grief. My grief for losing my mother. But also her grief for her losing her life. Her grief for all her traumas she never was able to face. Her grief for losing her daughter and not knowing how to fix it.

I don't know how to forgive myself for all the ways I failed her.

The nightmares sound horrid, Owl. I wish I could take the pain away for you. :hug:

Thank you, Snowdrop.

I am utterly exhausted. I allowed the pain in yesterday and couldn't shut it off before sleep. So sleep took longer than usual.

I awoke this morning, and somehow managed to work with different parts, which wasn't possible before. I can't share yet what happened. But there were some insights and some small shifts, I think? I'm not sure.

Feeling the pangs of grief today. I feel angry with my mother for getting ill. For not giving us the time to work things out by not surviving that illness. And then I think it's all my fault. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten ill, if things had been okay enough between us. Maybe I caused her to get so sick. :'(

 :hug:

Hi owl,

I'm sorry to hear about the grief, guilt and pain you are feeling. It resonated with me and I can't help but feel this will be my future down the road. I wish I could say something more to help you feel better but you have been heard.

Thank you buddy :hug: I hope you won't go through this yourself.

I am not feeling well. I woke up late this morning and I think I'm still stuck in my morning EF. I feel nauseous and my throat feels closed off on and off which makes the nausea feel worse. I am feeling hopeless about healing. Despite yesterday's connections with parts, I don't know what I'm doing with the whole IFS thing. I watched a video about legacy burdens last night and it made me feel hopeless instead of hopeful. The person talking said there is always more to heal from as you do this work. I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I know so little about IFS and how to do it, and it seems like there is so much to learn and it will take forever. The part of me that is feeling so fearful right now and that is always there when I wake in the mornings, I want to help that part now. But it feels so far away to be able to do so. It is fiercely protected by protectors.

I feel sick and scared, and my body is shaky because of the fear. I can't seem to properly access the fear, so it never resolves.

Hi Owl,
Sending you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

I'm so sorry, Owl.

There's quite a lot to IFS, and taken all at once it can be overwhelming. I found that some bits resonated with me, other bits didn't, and I just concentrated on the bits that resonated. You don't have to do everything at once. I found it best to take baby steps.

It might not seem like it, but you've already taken the first couple of steps. You're aware of parts, and you've started communicating with them. This is progress.

Sending you a hug of support. :hug:

Hey owl, I just wanted to send you a lot of support and a big hug :hug:. You are so courageous for working with your parts, and letting some of it in. I'm so sorry it's affecting you this much and wish I could sit with you at the Porch, with some candles and on a rocking chair, and do whatever brings you the most comfort.
I've been reading every entry of yours, and the progress, even small, are all accomplishments. I'm praying for you through this difficult time and sending you lots of love  :hug:

Hang in there owl, I'm sorry to hear your struggling. You have been making steps to heal and that's what's important. I can relate to being on the journey and feeling like you are not getting anywhere. It's like being on the open ocean with no way to gauge how far you've  traveled.  I hope one day you'll look up and see that you've gone miles.

Quote from: Snowdrop on June 18, 2020, 06:59:35 PM
There's quite a lot to IFS, and taken all at once it can be overwhelming. I found that some bits resonated with me, other bits didn't, and I just concentrated on the bits that resonated. You don't have to do everything at once. I found it best to take baby steps.

It might not seem like it, but you've already taken the first couple of steps. You're aware of parts, and you've started communicating with them. This is progress.

:yeahthat:

One step at a time. I know it's difficult.

I hope you're doing ok, Owl. Thinking of you.

Thanks for all your responses. I haven't had it in me to reply, or to respond to anyone else's posts elsewhere on the board. I also don't really have it in me right now to respond to what each of you said, otherwise I would.

I am feeling really disillusioned right now. I have been in therapy for well over a decade. No one should have that much therapy, and still be suffering. I am angry at my family, who left me with all this pain. I am angry at the experts and researchers out there, who haven't figured this out. I am angry I am struggling to find a T who can actually help me. I am so unbelievably angry that I have to work this hard to try to have some semblance of a life. The money I have spent on years of therapy, and where am I today? Sure, not depressed anymore. Sure, I'm functioning day to day, at maybe 50-60-70% of my capacity, depending on the day. But it's not enough. Life is hard, way harder than it ought to be. I have to work so hard to accomplish what a non-traumatized person would easily be able to manage. It's not fair. I worked SO HARD for more than a decade and this is where it lands me?? In hindsight, the therapy I got wasn't sufficient. It wasn't good enough. And I am struggling to find therapy that will be good enough. I am angry, angry, angry. It shouldn't be this hard. I am so very tired of living like this. I am so tired. Every day takes so much out of me. I can't stand it that I don't have the energy that I need and want so I can get out of the chaos that I have been living with all this time. I can't take it anymore. And yet, I'm stuck with it. I am tired of living in fear that belongs to the past and that I can't seem to resolve. I am so very tired of it. I am so tired of just getting by, of just coping. I don't want symptom management, I need a solution. I am furious that this is my life. I deserve better than this.

I appreciate you sharing as it helps me feel less alone in my loneliest moments to know that others are working on the things like I am and have the experience of trying to answer the question "WHY WHY WHY?!"  I am still on my journey and appreciate having you and others here to help me find my way by sharing your story. 

 :hug:

Hi owl,

I'm so truly sorry to hear that your struggling. You do deserve better than this. You deserve peace. I know nothing I say would be sufficient enough but I hope peace and contentment finds you.

Hi Owl,
Sending you a hug  :hug:  I hope you don't mind my saying that I think it's a big thing to be able to express and talk about your anger in the way you have - to talk of facing disillusionment and to feel angry about it.  I wonder whether that's because you've been able to gain things from your T, and can truely 'feel' that.  Please disregard anything I've said, if it is in anyway insensitive.  I wasn't sure what to say at first, and then those words came to my mind, so I'm sharing them.

Hope  :)

I hear your anger and frustration, and no, it's not fair.

I hear your anger and frustration too. It's valid. You didn't choose to have this pain, and having things so hard isn't fair.

Sorry, I can't respond to anyone right now, too much effort :(

The pain is really bad today. I feel like my life has passed me by. I wasted the last 14 years of my life trying to heal. The pain is worse than ever.

Every day I wake up to my life hoping everything is all just a bad dream. It's not. My parents are gone. I lost my mother in the worst way. I have no support network. I am in my mid forties, and am well aware that the clock is ticking and I won't live forever. What were supposed to be the best years of my life are gone. I lost my childhood family and relatives. They are gone. I feel so completely alone in the world.

I am so traumatized and I can't seem to find the help I need for it. I have no social skills. I am afraid of people, of being myself around them. People say insensitive things. I recently tried to come out of my shell a bit more and said something in conversation, and another person piped up and laughed at what I said. It made me feel so shamed, hurt, and angry.  I still don't feel safe to be me because someone always thinks what I say is funny, when it's not meant to be.

Half my life is gone and this is the state I am in. What's even the point of my life when I lost everything that mattered to me? Everything that I wanted for myself?

I feel like there isn't even any point in reaching out to people when I am in pain, because no one is equipped to deal with it. No one can change the pain I am in. You only get one life and this is what mine has become. The pain is unbearable. I don't know how I am supposed to live this.

What's even the point in writing about any of this? No one can help. I can't change the past. I can't change what happened. Every day repeats itself. I wake up, remember the bad dream, then realize it's real.

I have no energy in me to properly take care of my family. My mood affects everything. I want better than this and I don't have it in me.

I feel like all I can do is just go through the motions. I can't stop crying.

Owl, I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling and the pain you are in. It may not be much but please know at a minimum everyone on this forum cares about you and is here for you. I care about you. We all share similar stories and can relate to you.

I can relate to loneliness, not having family it haunts me everyday. But at the very minimum you have us.

As the saying goes it's always darkest before dawn. You need to carry on. Keep trying to heal. All storms eventually die. The winds will die down and the seas will subside.

I hope it will lead you to the serenity and peace that you deserve.

You are worthy and you are not alone.

Owl, I'm sorry you are hurting so much.  :hug:

Thank you for your words of comfort, buddy and notalone  :hug:

Woke up this morning and as every morning, when I realize I am awake and alive, I get scared. I think I am so frightened by merely being alive, because being alive gets me hurt. Maybe I should change that to, got me hurt. My parents are gone now. The family dynamic can no longer hurt me like it did before. But my mind and body haven't caught up to that knowledge yet. Existing means bad things are going to happen. Maybe it means knowing all these terrible things happened and that I do not have the power to change them. I am afraid of having to experience this nightmare again, having to live with this reality again with this new day. Every day I have to live with the choices I made that I wish I hadn't, given the way I understand things today. Having no contact with my mother and being unable to reestablish it was traumatic. Seeing her in her last days as she was dying was traumatic. Having no time to take the time I needed with her belongings was traumatic. The house being sold so fast and so quickly was traumatic. Piecing together her life and what she experienced is more grief I am facing. I wasn't there for her in the way I wanted to be and that hurts so much. Others try to remind me of the positives at the end, that at least I was there, and how grateful she was for that. I was there for her in her last days But it's not enough. I should have been there for much more than that.  :'(

I spoke with a new person today. He said that the guilt may really just be grief. That the guilt is really saying, "I wish this had been different". I think that's probably true. If I feel guilt and then turn it into self-blame, it's really hard and painful but it doesn't hurt quite as much as just facing the loss. It hurts more to say, "I wish I had been there", without anything else added to that.

It's really hard to accept that maybe the whole situation was out of my control. I don't know though. I am struggling to let myself off the hook. All of this just feels like my fault. I wasn't strong enough and I should have been.

It helped briefly to talk about things today, but that relief has gone again. Next conversation is in 3 weeks. Wish I didn't have to wait so long. I have some exercises to try and do. Not sure how well that will go. It feels really painful.

QuoteIt's really hard to accept that maybe the whole situation was out of my control. I don't know though. I am struggling to let myself off the hook. All of this just feels like my fault. I wasn't strong enough and I should have been.

Owl, I'm so sorry. As you've been writing your posts I can just feel the pain coming off the pages. I can relate to not wanting to let yourself off the hook. If you're anything like me, I'm sure with the guilt you're feeling, you're trying to inflict the pain and take responsibility, as a means to punish yourself and "atone for your sins". For me, I know that kind of thinking does nothing but bring misery. Even with the knowledge, I still want to default to guilt and punishment.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are worthy. I'm sure you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time and obviously that's all you can do. I'm sure you had pure intentions focused on your healing. I'm sure you tried to take the ideal path for you only realizing 3/4 of the way down it was wrong or less than ideal. At that point the most efficient thing to do would be to forge your way to the alternate ideal path vs. backtracking to get to the same spot again.

You are worthy, you deserve to love yourself. You do not deserve the guilt.

Thank you buddy. It is very hard to let go. I guess underneath it all is really just the pain of not having my mother anymore. It hurts beyond belief. I had a session yesterday and discovered that the guilt is a way I am judging myself. It's to help keep other feelings at bay that part of me believes I just wouldn't be able to handle. It's trying to protect me from worse feelings. I realized that this part of me is trying to keep my mother alive for me. By feeling the guilt of not reaching out to her, it almost feels like maybe I can still change it. Maybe I can do better or differently next time. But there won't be a next time, because she's gone. If I beat myself up, then maybe, maybe I can do differently, and if I can do differently, then that means she's still there, she still exists, there's still a different choice to make. The guilt is trying to shield me from the pain that she's really gone and I will never see her again in this lifetime.

Yesterday's session was helpful. I felt the pain of the loss, and had trouble staying with it but was encouraged to. Running from the pain doesn't help. It needs to be felt. I've been feeling the pain of the loss quite a bit over the past week. It's feeling incredibly painful right now as I write about this.

I want to believe that some day I'll be with her again. But I'm afraid to believe that. And even if I will - it won't be in this lifetime. I want to believe there is another realm. I want to believe that in the end, there will be joy and happiness, and I will be with all the people I love. But I want this now. I want this on this earth, right here, where I am now. What if I start to believe in this other realm, and it's not real, but just the way humans are built to make life bearable after unbearable loss?

I want a do-over of my life. I want a second chance. I want to change things. I am so desperate for a chance to change things.

There has to be a way to go back and change things.

My heart goes out to you and the part who's trying to protect you. :hug:

Thank you, Snowdrop  :hug:

I got badly triggered a couple of weeks ago during a session, and was really afraid. I stopped doing anything with parts, I just needed to stop with it all and didn't have another session til yesterday. Today, one part showed me how afraid it is of feeling safe. We talked about safety not feeling safe yesterday, because it is unknown and unfamiliar. Part of me really is afraid of healing. I thanked it for letting me know and said it was okay to be afraid. It was okay to stay with me today and feel scared.

This came up after another part shared with me her fear. I have been waking up with fear in the pit of my stomach the past week. It's gotten more intense this week. The part that is afraid of healing had stepped aside and allowed the terrified part to be there. The terrified part couldn't breathe, so I tried to breathe, but it felt difficult because I could feel it in my throat. The part afraid of healing was scared of this, and worried something really bad had happened to me and worried we didn't know what this memory was. It was okay in the end though, as I calmed the part that was afraid of healing, and as I just sat with the not being able to breathe part, I remembered one time when I was very young that I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I remember how scared I was at the time that I couldn't catch my breath. I stayed with the 3 year old part of me that couldn't breathe, and rocked in my rocking chair for a while. After that, that's when the part afraid of healing told me it was afraid of healing, and I invited it to stay with me.

I feel like I am dealing with so much. Grief at the loss of my mother and my failings, and then young parts of me still frozen in time and terrified. All the danger is over and yet none of me seems to know that.

Quote from: owl25 on July 03, 2020, 01:07:25 AM
I feel like I am dealing with so much. Grief at the loss of my mother and my failings, and then young parts of me still frozen in time and terrified. All the danger is over and yet none of me seems to know that.

You are dealing with so much. I understand about Parts frozen in time and terrified. I feel like I have an orphanage full of broken and hurt children and I'm a mess myself.

I'm sorry for all the hurt you have inside you, notalone  :hug:

I can't bear to know the things I know now that I didn't know when my mother was ill. It's making me crazy. If only I had known. I would have done things differently. Now that I know, it's too late. It's hard to deal with this. I've been told I was just protecting myself. It feels like a lame excuse. I can't bear the pain of this. I don't know how I am supposed to keep going. I know I have no choice. But it hurts too much.

i know pain can be overwhelming, owl, so much so that we have to somehow hide ourselves from it, deny it, distract ourselves, or even tell ourselves it's not as bad as we think.  it really is part of our survival mechanism, a very important part.  altho there are a lot of things i might have done differently, especially with my daughters, i do accept that, at the time, it wasn't possible.  just not possible.  i had to stay alive, stay sane, in order to be able to do anything at all.

when i lived in mex., i was very sick for a very long time.  my husband took care of me, did the shopping, made sure i had enough food for the day, did the bills - all of it.  for a while, it worked.  eventually, tho, i thought about staying sick, just being cared for, and how nice that was for a change, cuz i had been the one who had done all the caring for others, had been the strong one for others, made sure everyone was taken care of, etc.

as i thought about this, it occurred to me that if i got well, all those expectations would come crashing down on me, overwhelming me once again.  yep, i was afraid to get well.  reading about your part that is scared to heal reminded me of that - it felt very similar to my situation.  afraid to heal, afraid to be well.  it was a confusing time for me, cuz i was rarely afraid of anything, but this, this was different somehow. 

in the end, i made the decision to get well, as much as i could, because it didn't seem fair to my hub to simply stay sick.  plus, it came to me that i needed to be able to say 'no', to put up boundaries, for anyone else's expectations of me.  it took a while, and i'm still not completely well, but i am much better than i was.  i'm not afraid of healing anymore.  now i look forward to it, actually, cuz i'm that sick of being sick in both mind and body.

it's a tough one, for sure.  seems like a paradox.  i had to discover my reason for being afraid to be well.  i hope you and your part are able to figure it out for yourselves.  if any of this doesn't fit for you, feel free to ignore it.  it just rang a bell for me.

wishing you all the best with this.  keep taking care of you and your parts as best you can, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

In the grip of my morning EF right now. I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of my life and the fact that my mother is gone. I am terrified of having to live with that reality. Fear in the pit of my stomach and I feel nauseous. Nothing I do will change anything. I can't change anything. I have no control over my life.

sending you a warm, cozy blanket of care and comfort to wrap you in.  so very sorry for your loss, owl.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

I'm sorry owl, hang in there. You can ride the EF out!

Thanks san and buddy.

The EF comes back every morning. It's gotten worse the last few days, taking me longer to recover. Really struggling with it.

I'm struggling to read and respond to others' posts. My attention span isn't there right now.

Working with parts is exhausting. I have too many protectors jumping in and stopping me from trying to deal with this morning EF. I'm too tired when I wake up to try and be in Self. It feels like this EF is the core of everything right now - meaning I'm not going to be able to resolve it any time soon. The thought of this going on for months to come is discouraging.

I'm sorry, Owl. EFs are awful.

My EFs tend to follow a pattern: there's an exile part which is calling for attention by flooding me, and then a bunch of protectors that jump in because they're scared. In order to help the exile part, I have to first help and work with the protectors. I have to talk to them, find out what their roles are, what they're scared of, and what they need to step aside or stand down. I can only help the exile part when I've done all this, because I need to get every protector's permission before I can contact the exile. Without this permission, the protectors kick off and there's a backlash.

I wonder if in your situation, it's worth just focusing on the protectors for a bit. It might help everything calm down and de-escalate.

I am so sorry Owl you're goin through this. I'm lending you a supportive hand and hug, and maybe if you ever want to you can join me and some other people on the Porch, and just let it all be. :hug: :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop, that makes sense. The trouble is I am too exhausted to work with the protectors. They won't even let me. There is one that won't step aside, it just takes over.

Thanks for your support, marta  :hug:

Awake and afraid. Fear in the pit of my stomach. Feeling powerless to do anything about it. Protector blocking presence of Self. Terrified of life.

I feel like I want to wrap you up in a blanket of warmth and safety. It's ok, Owl. It's ok. You're safe. :hug:

 :yeahthat:

we've got you, owl, and not letting go.  love and a hug filled with safe and care :hug:

Thank you for your support and care, Snowdrop and sanmagic  :hug: I had to rush out the door this morning for an appointment, and so was quite distracted. I just realized the fear from this morning has disappeared again. I'm not sure if it's an EF or not, but whatever it is I've come out of it again. It is such a burden to wake up like this every day without fail. There's a part of me scared to death and needing me to be there for it, and I can't, because another part blocks me. I know I need to work with that other part, but it isn't letting me. It's exhausting.

I'm glad the fear's gone. It sounds awful and exhausting.

Does your therapist know IFS? Just wondering if they might be able to talk to the part. Another thought is that Self energy tends to be catching. If you like, I can sit with you in my Self to see if that helps you be in your Self.

Thanks Snowdrop. It is :(

My therapist does know IFS, but I'm not in that place of fear when I have my sessions. He suggested how to approach it in the mornings, but it requires Self of course, and I just don't have access to it when I wake up. The protector takes over pretty much. It's the one that seems to run things most of the time, I think.

A part is fearful of you sitting in Self to help me be in Self. That sounds like I am afraid of Self. Or afraid of letting it be there and change things for me.

QuoteA part is fearful of you sitting in Self to help me be in Self. That sounds like I am afraid of Self. Or afraid of letting it be there and change things for me.

I'm sorry the part is so fearful. I definitely don't want to alarm it in any way.

What you say about it being scared of Self is ringing a few bells. I remember reading in the Schwartz IFS book about parts who are scared of Self and push it out the way. When I get a mo, I will see if I can find that section and point you towards it if that would be helpful.

Is there another Part (other than Self) that the afraid Part would let near to bring some comfort or at least company?

I hope you're ok this morning, Owl. :hug:

Snowdrop, If you could find that section for me in the IFS book that would be great.

Notalone, I don't think so. The fear is pretty strong.

Thank you, Snowdrop  :hug: I woke up the same again this morning, but this time tried again instead of giving up right away. I had an angry part inside who started telling me it was horrible to wake up with me and have to live with me, because I didn't protect us. I did things that made everything worse. It doesn't feel safe to be with me and I can't be trusted to take care of me. I ruined everything. That's why I feel scared when I wake up.

I feel very sad about this. I feel sad I made the wrong decisions. I feel sad that I couldn't be present to help guide myself better. I let myself down.

Owl, welcome.  I'm just catching up on your journal.  Hope virtual hugs are okay.   :grouphug:

I've not found the exact section yet, but parts of Chapters 3, 10 and 13 look like they could be relevant.

Well done for trying again and getting that feedback from the angry part. I know the part's angry, and it wasn't nice to hear, but it's communicating with you, and that's good. It's progress.

It reminded me of a part I had a while back. It was really angry with me because I hadn't been there for it, and bad things had happened. I remember telling the part that it was right. I hadn't been there for it, and its anger was justified. I was really sorry. But I was here for it now, and things are different now.

:hug:

Hi alliematt, thank you for the welcome and the virtual hugs (always ok :))

Thanks snowdrop, I'll try to check those chapters and see what I find. I apologized to that part too. It's hard that I wasn't able to be there for myself in the way that I am finally now learning to do.

I think I am making progress. The recent realization that if I let myself take care of me, that it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to want or ask for help from others, has been huge. I always thought it was expected of me to just take care of myself and that it was too much to ask from others. I fought that for so long. It stopped me from moving forward. It is such a relief to now know otherwise. My mornings are starting to slowly change as. I am trying to be more consistent in being with myself, and reassuring myself it's okay to be scared, and that I'm there to take care of me. I'm not on my own. The fear is still there but not as intense, although it did linger yesterday and today. I'm finding myself anxious to go to sleep tonight, because I'm scared of the morning. It's hard to sit with that feeling and to not avoid.

Feeling very low today.

 :hug: You deserve to be here. You deserve to be alive. You are valid and you're not alone here. Sending you lots of hugs and support, Owl. :hug: Hope you feel better soon :hug:

I'm sorry owl. We are all here for you!

:hug:

Thank you buddy  :hug:

Everything just feels pointless. I feel like no one can help me. It doesn't feel like there's any point in even talking to anyone about what I'm going through.

Sending you so much support Owl. We're here for you, and we listen. What you say does matter, and I'm sorry it does not feel so. :hug:

I'm sorry Owl. Here for you. Sending you a gentle hug of support. :hug:

I slept for a while. I feel even worse now. I read the words of support but feel disconnected from them. I feel completely alone in trying to deal with things. I have no energy. I'm just sad and in pain and nothing feels like it can change. What's the point of my life after all that happened and went wrong? I met with a grief counsellor a couple of weeks ago and will meet again next week, but again it seems pointless... I was given a pamphlet and some things to try and work on but it feels futile. Things like going for a walk or journaling or making a gratitude list. None of that feels like it will address the root of the problem. I was able to do that at first, but then I got overwhelmed with the pain and haven't gone back to it.

What if I'm just not trying hard enough? What if part of me is sabotaging feeling better even though I don't really think that's the case?

 I'm here for you Owl. All I can say is that I've had the same thoughts, and probably will have even worse further down the road.
I don't know. I don't know why this is all worth it. But for me, I feel this thing inside me. As if, even when I was neglected compassion and support when I most needed it, there's still something more. Life outside of people.
I don't know if this helps. I'm sorry if it doesn't. I just want to held my hand out, and if you want to grab on it's there. I'm with you Owl, on every step of the way. And I know it's hard. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Here's a gentle hug if it's ok :hug:

Quote from: owl25 on July 16, 2020, 09:31:31 PM

What if I'm just not trying hard enough? What if part of me is sabotaging feeling better even though I don't really think that's the case?

I don't think you'd be here if you weren't "trying hard enough".  I hope a gentle hug is okay.

Thank you marta and alliematt for the hugs. Those are always okay.  :hug:

I unintentionally disappeared here for a little while. Some very difficult things happened that required my full attention. It's pulled me out of the stuck trauma headspace for now. The focus has very much been on dealing with what's been going on head on. It's been exhausting and also frightening at times because of trauma triggers. Even though it's been extremely hard dealing with things, I guess it's been a good thing in pulling my out of the place I was in that was paralyzing me. I am working hard to look after my family, and also myself, in response to the things that have happened.

I have been trying to take better care of myself. I started going for a run in the mornings, but then I had an injury. I've got a lot of permanent tension in my body, so started some massage therapy. My trauma therapy is on hold because of all my focus being elsewhere. I just started looking for someone new again and have started interviewing online therapists again. It is not easy finding someone who feels like they truly have the expertise. One person seems just right but she's got a waiting list. I'm waiting to connect with another expert and hopefully will connect with them today. I also have found someone who may partially be able to help while I am on the waiting list, but won't make that decision until I find out more about the second expert.

I am exhausted. Life threw another curve ball at me. It's been good to be functioning, but it's been hard getting triggered and dealing with huge anxiety and fear in response. I feel like I am dealing with a lot of demands, almost more than I feel is manageable for one person. I'm a bit worried that if there's a (perceived) set back that I'll collapse and stop being able to function, and not be able to look after my family the way that I need to right now.

 :hug: :hug: Sending you a gentle and long lasting hug Owl for all the hard work that you've needed to pull. Sending my best wishes that you'll be okay :)
Very much missed reading your entries, thank you for updating us.

Hi owl, agreed thank you for updating us. I'm happy to hear that you were able to get out of your head however it's disappointing that is the result of issues you are dealing with.

I hope you will be able to heal and continue to take care of your family.

You were certainly missed.

 :hug:

Thank you for your kind words and caring, marta, buddy, and sanmagic. I am finding myself surprised I have been missed. I'm not used to mattering or making a difference. I guess that comes from not having connections with other people. But it is nice to hear, so thank you :) I've missed you all too.  :grouphug:

I'm feeling a bit confused right now. I am finding myself doing things I couldn't for the longest time. I've gotten yanked out of that place of paralysis, and.. now I am wondering about therapy. It's like a lot of what I was struggling with in a way has vanished. Not everything. But the worst of the symptoms (paralysis in daily functioning) have gone away. It's happened before in a crisis when I needed to deal with what was happening. I have been trying to do more self care, and in the last couple of days even reached out to some people to try and build up some friendships. I'm doing things to promote sleep (not enough, but I've made a good start). So do I need therapy? Do I need to delve into things or do I leave them alone? I know that likely things have gotten "turned off" for now, so I can focus on what must be done right now for my family. Trauma doesn't magically disappear. But it feels like the worst that I was experiencing has gone away, because my focus is elsewhere. Maybe I was too internally focused? I really was struggling to break out of that place. I know how bad I felt and how much I was struggling. How can that suddenly be gone?

I struggle with these constantly shifting perspectives. Things happen and they feel catastrophic. Some of what happened was catastrophic. But I do know that some things were quite triggering and made everything feel that much worse. I struggle to stay level headed and calm. In my mind my world is ending when I get triggered and I feel lost and hopeless about the future. Today I feel optimistic and like everything will be okay. It feels like it's night and day change in perspective, all the time. It's exhausting and confusing.

I feel like I am spending a lot of my time in a state of confusion because how I feel from one day to the next always seems to be the opposite.

So, since I'm confused, I'm going to go ahead with some more therapy, and see what happens. I wish I had a clearer mind about it. I don't know if it's the right thing or the wrong thing. Maybe I've spent too much time focused on myself. Maybe I just need to get out of my head. But part of me thinks, there has been some serious pain and suffering that certainly didn't come out of nowhere.

Confusion abound. All I know is that I am confused. That's the only thing that seems clear.

 :hug: for your thoughts and self reflection. I know it can be hard to do self care and listen to your feelings, so wanted to show my support for that.
I feel like if you ever need to take a break from therapy, then that's ok and sometimes (from what I've heard) it's better to let your parts rest from trauma processing and being overwhelmed constantly. In any case, I wish you luck for continuing therapy.  :)

Hi Owl,
I have also been away from the forum for a while.  I had only briefly connected with you before I left, but I can see from what you've written most recently that you're reflecting on a lot of things.

Hoping that the therapy you have decided to embark on will be helpful, and wishing you the best with continuing it.  Also wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thanks marta  and Hope, I appreciate your support  :hug:

Things feel like they are settling down. The fear and worry is no longer front and centre. Things are getting better, and I am continuing to look after myself and my family. I still had some moments of feeling dejected and like what happened recently will never get better, but it seems to be. I am sure challenges will still lie ahead but they don't feel insurmountable anymore.

I met with the new T online, and part of me felt relief. Another part of me isn't quite sure about the new person, there were a couple of things that made me wonder a little if this person is right for me. But, for now trying to keep an open mind. I think I now know too what I need in terms of therapy. I don't want to be without support, and I also don't want to go full steam ahead like I have in the past. So really what that means is I just need to take it slow. That feels like it fits for all parts of me. So it's nice to have the confusion cleared up.

I would like to maintain some of my momentum with the changes I've made in caring for self and family. I've started to talk more to some people who could potentially be friends. I feel like I'm ready to start pursuing a fuller life.

I haven't had much time to be around here, and to read and offer more support. Hopefully I'll be able to do so more soon.

Owl, I appreciate this update you shared.  I hope that you find the pace you are looking for and that it helps you find what you are seeking.  I appreciate having you and others here on this up and down journey.   :hug:

I've not posted much recently, but I've been thinking of you, Owl. I'm glad things feel like they're settling down, and I hope it goes well with the new T. :hug:

Thanks rainy and snowdrop.  :hug:

I feel like the way I feel changes like the weather. I now have doubts about the latest T. I don't believe that anyone can really help me.

Parts work for the longest time felt like it was the way forward, but that's fallen to the side. I think maybe I am too afraid of the pain that I know I would have to face and deal with. It feels too big. At the same time I need relief. I know I am carrying too much. But I seem to continue to run away from it all, and I don't trust that any T is ever going to be right or safe enough to help me with it.

I find myself looking for Self energy in Ts, and it feels like they don't present with it. I have one T who does, but she's my couples counsellor. She wouldn't be able to address the trauma. I adore her. I wish I could find someone like her who does complex trauma. It feels like people like her are few and far between.

It feels like it's too hard to start with someone new and build up trust. I'm having to do it online, which impacts how therapy feels. It doesn't feel as safe. I would do better with in person.

I have been overwhelmed the last few days. I am also finding it difficult to be here and engage with the forum.

I don't know what to do to help myself move forward. I wish I could access Self more easily. But another part of me that is my fiercest protector doesn't trust that very much, and doesn't want to step back enough to allow it. I don't know how to work with that part, how to gain trust. It's really hard. So I give up and just try to get by from day to day. Of course I am not talking from Self, because Self wouldn't give up. I think Self is waiting for the rest of me to be ready. I guess I'm speaking from the part of me that wants to heal and unburden. I've never unburdened before, and would really like to experience that. But it feels like an impossible dream.

Nightmares this morning. Haven't had those in a while. I hate how they make me feel. They don't feel productive either, it just brings back the same awful feelings that never shift.

I had nightmares this morning too.  Just this week I made the connection based on what you and others share that nightmares/bad dreams and CPTSD can go hand in hand.  I know that I will feel a bit off today because of those dreams.  I hope you are able to find some ease today. 

Thanks rainy.

Yesterday was an awful day. I was petrified. I woke up feeling afraid again this morning too. I am so afraid of my feelings. I am so afraid of re-experiencing the traumatic loss of my mother. There are some elements of what happened that when I think about them, they are too much. The pain of it is too much. The powerlessness and hopelessness of what happened and that I couldn't prevent it from happening are too much.

Still looking for a new T. I found someone that is actually local that might be helpful. But of course, there's a wait list. Every time I find someone I would like to work with, there's a wait list. All of them are around 2 months. That's really hard given the terror I am feeling again these last few days. Trigger warning: The fear makes me want to die.

I was doing well when my focus was on my family. It really pulled me out of this paralysis. But now that things have settled and are better, I'm starting to feel paralyzed with fear again. I can't really afford to stop looking after my family. This is really hard. I'm trying, but I'm scared and frozen.

I'm so scared.

Owl I'm sorry to hear the fear has come back and how severe it is. I hope you will find a suitable T soon. Hang in there!  :hug:

Owl, I'm sending you love and support  :hug:. I know that this doesn't help with the paralyzing fears and EFs but I hope you know that we're all here for you and you're not alone in this journey.
I don't know what kind of advice I can give you, when this happens for me it's usually because of a little, so a really sheltered and blocked out exile that suddenly springs up with their emotions and extreme feelings. It's usually trauma that is blocked, that I don't have access to (that would require time to unveil). I don't know if this helps, but I want you to know that I hear you and I understand. If you want a shoulder to just put your head on, I'd be happy to be there on the Healing Porch (if it's ok).

Thank you buddy and marta. I'm sorry I haven't been around here much.

thinking of you, owl.  you're not alone. :hug:

Thinking of you Owl  :hug: you bring a smile to my face whenever I see a new entry in you're journal :) . Take care, ok?  :hug:

Thank you sanmagic and marta :hug:

Thankfully the fear hasn't overtaken again in the way that I was afraid of. I still feel scared when I wake up in the mornings. But it's not as intense right now. I am still trying to focus on taking care of my family as best I can. It's hard to move when I first wake up. It's hard to start to remember the hard parts in my life as I am waking up and getting oriented.

I am currently without a therapist. The newest one I only had one session with, but I don't think I am open to doing IFS work right now, not if the person is not a complex trauma expert. The idea of IFS right now just exhausts me, so I am giving up on that for now.

I have been bouncing around from therapist to therapist for various issues, trying to make sense of what I need. I've been trying out support for some family issues, I've been trying to find someone for trauma therapy, and I've seen someone specialized in grief just once a while back and just made another appointment there. I've started talking more to people I've known for a long time but never got very close with. Between talking to various therapists for various reasons, and talking to multiple potential friends, I've been getting by and starting to reduce the self-imposed social isolation I've been living in my whole life. I am starting to practice interacting with people, something I have never done before. It really is making a difference in how I am feeling. I know I have needed this all along, and I used to despair about not being able to work on this. It now feels like I just simply wasn't ready for it, no matter how lonely I got or how painful things would get.

I have found a local trauma T that I really want to work with, but currently there is no opening. It may be a few weeks but it sounds like by then I should be able to get in. I had given up on finding a local T, but decided to reconsider EMDR and managed to find someone here. This means I will be able to go in person, which feels much better than online. I do feel I need in person counselling and that it would be much more effective, so I am really glad I found someone. I had given up on that before and thought online was the only option left. I have a lot of unprocessed trauma and I know that if I want to resolve the fear in the mornings, I need to process the trauma. I need to focus on the loss of my mother. It is awful how I lost her. I have been avoiding a lot of the feelings around it, because they feel overwhelming and I am afraid of it all.

I've been trying to practice more self-care throughout all of this. Talking to people more is a big part of that, and there's a family friendly show I've been watching that has given me a lot of comfort the past while. Both tie into being a part of something, a sense of belonging and not being alone in this world. Talking to people helps me feel not so alone and on my own to deal with things. I am starting to realize I don't have to actually be alone with the weight of my problems, and that we're not meant or built to be on our own. As I am writing this I also realize that I have not been watching tv shows with a lot of dramatic content like I used to. I watched something two nights ago and I could feel the overload it was causing in my brain and realized that that kind of content really isn't good for us, and it's something everyone is inundated by and desensitized to (or rather, we can't tell that it causes stress and tension because we are so used to it).

I think I am feeling better and more hopeful because it's looking like I may finally have a shot at the right therapy for myself. It's been a long wait to get to this point.

Thanks for sharing Owl.  What you say about practicing talking with others resonates with me.  I don't think I acknowledged how isolated from others I was even if I was around people.  I've been finding myself being able to open to people more too.  I am also finding that even when I do open some people just aren't good for me.  I'm not sure I would have done anything about that before but now I do.

I hope that you find a therapist and support that meets you where you are.   :hug:

I'm glad you're opening up to people a bit more too, rainy. And that you now do something about those who turn out to not be good for you. It's important to trust your gut on that.

I just wanted to say here that I have felt unable to respond to others' posts and I'm sorry for that. I'm struggling to write and struggling to offer support. I try to read posts but can't manage a whole lot there either.

Hi Owl,
I read what you wrote in another thread - the one about what you'd like Kizzie to say at the summit about trauma - and I really felt you put so many amazing points in it - and I found them really helpful - I just wanted to say that here in your diary, as I really appreciated all the things you said about your experience of therapists etc.  I also wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi Hope, thank you for sharing that, I am glad it was helpful. I wasn't sure what others thought of it, so it's reassuring to hear. Thank you and hugs are always okay  :hug:

I have been going through a lot, and feel like my head is always spinning. I really would like to focus directly on healing, but other things going on in present day life are keeping me from doing that. Waiting for the new therapist to free up also keeps things on hold. And then of course, there are parts of me that aren't wanting to focus on it at all. I've stopped pushing myself around this to give myself some space around it. I think I'm waiting for myself to be ready, and waiting for the new trauma therapist.

I have been reaching out more to people around me and opening up to them. This feels like progress. I had a bit of an aha moment recently about attachment and my attachment style. I am avoidant, which means that closeness with other people feels threatening and unsafe. It's why I've always kept people at arm's length for as far as I can remember. Interaction with other humans can lead to disappointment and pain, so better to prevent that by not interacting at all. But, not allowing people to get close also means isolation and that gets unbearable. I don't want and can't handle the isolation anymore. I think this is what's been driving me to connect with other people. I can't cope anymore with having to handle my problems on my own.

I really struggle with getting triggered and trying to calm myself. I just can't reassure myself and make myself feel safe. I just hurt so much and the only way out now is to connect with another human being. Someone to talk to and let out all the fear and worry. But that's not completely a good strategy, because it makes me dependent on other people being available in very specific moments, and it's agony when there isn't anyone just right then and there.

I am gaining more and more clarity on my childhood, my parents, the impact of it all, and how profoundly it affects me today. How profoundly my parents' childhoods affected them. I feel very sad, because had things been better for them, it would have been better for me. They tried, but couldn't resolve it in their lifetime. I'm trying and even though I am much further ahead than they ever got the chance to be, I feel like this complex trauma still has quite a hold on me. The triggers are so very hard to manage and complicate my life significantly. I still don't feel like I can access that adult, mature side of me because I feel stuck in my development. I don't think I made it past being a 16 year old. It makes me feel not up for the task of being a real adult. And that translates into not being able to calm myself, and reassure myself. I am looking for the adult within me and can't access her, and it makes me furious with myself. There's a lot of self-hate from a part of me that I can't show up for her. I want to show up but this is not coming from Self. This is the 16 year old that's been managing everything since forever, not feeling up to task but still trying, and falling short when it tries to help distressed parts of me. I think. As I try to untangle what comes from which parts I start to get confused, because isn't it the 16 year old that's furious that there's no one there inside me to help? I always get lost at this point.

Quote from: owl25 on September 11, 2020, 01:31:03 AM
I have been reaching out more to people around me and opening up to them. This feels like progress. I had a bit of an aha moment recently about attachment and my attachment style. I am avoidant, which means that closeness with other people feels threatening and unsafe. It's why I've always kept people at arm's length for as far as I can remember. Interaction with other humans can lead to disappointment and pain, so better to prevent that by not interacting at all. But, not allowing people to get close also means isolation and that gets unbearable. I don't want and can't handle the isolation anymore. I think this is what's been driving me to connect with other people. I can't cope anymore with having to handle my problems on my own.

I applaud your efforts to try to connect with others. Brave work!

Quote from: owl25 on September 11, 2020, 01:31:03 AM
I just hurt so much and the only way out now is to connect with another human being. Someone to talk to and let out all the fear and worry. But that's not completely a good strategy, because it makes me dependent on other people being available in very specific moments, and it's agony when there isn't anyone just right then and there.

As children, if we had good enough parents, they would have attuned to us and we would have learned, through them, how to calm ourselves. Since we didn't get that from parents, it seems that, for a time, we will need to receive that from others. To me, it makes sense that for the time being, you need to connect to others in order to feel calmer and safer.

Not sure if this will work for you, but I have a few friends whom I will text. I don't necessary text details. My text might be as unspecific as, "I'm having a really hard time right now." Their care is helpful. It doesn't solve everything, but I feel less alone and that is big. Occasionally, I don't get a response for quite some time. That is hard and I have to remind myself that they are busy, maybe working, etc. OOTS is also that connection for me when I need to be heard and when I need care.

Again, good job reaching out to others.

Owl, your thoughts and experiences being avoidant attachment style, having to work hard to calm, and learning about family history that explain but don't explain parenting choices really resonate with me.  I am in a similar place and appreciate you sharing your story.  I am not the only one and neither are you.  I wish that made me feel better all of the time but it does in moments and I think that is cool.

I am really struggling. I'm not sure if I am in an EF or not. I feel hopeless and helpless. I am struggling to continue to focus on my family the way that is needed.

I am struggling with finding effective therapy. I have tried different people now and what seems to keep happening is my anxiety is so amped up, that I can't take on board anything they might say to me. Suggestions for mindfulness/meditation/breathing are useless to me. My coping mechanism right now is to try and talk to other people, but no one can fix my problems. I just get into a state of distress (like I am now), and I talk to people about my problems, and still am not getting the relief I am so desperately looking for.

I don't have an established relationship with a T right now. I just started with another one recently to help with current day troubles while I wait for the trauma T that has a wait list. But already I am finding myself unable to listen and focus on what she's telling me. I find myself unable to take the time to let her get to know me because I want immediate solutions now.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going in circles a million miles a minute. I can't spend too much time thinking about my mother, it is too painful. I have a serious stressor in my life right now that is triggering me all the time and that isn't going to go away any time soon. I am struggling to cope. I am struggling to calm myself. I am desperate for someone else to make it all go away.

There's a part of me that WON'T ALLOW me to calm down. I feel like I am doing this to myself. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. All I want to do is cry.

I feel like I hate myself but at the same time that makes no sense to me, I don't hate myself. It feels like some part of me hates me.

I don't want to keep feeling this way, but I don't know what to do to make it better. I can't make sense of any of this. All I know is that all I feel is nothing but pain and wanting to run away.

What I desperately want and need is for my mother to be there. For her to hold me while I cry my heart out and have her tell me it's all going to be okay and that she's going to help me. That she'll help me with everything that's so hard in my life right now. It feels like that's the only way I'll ever feel okay. I want my mother and I want her to fix the problems I am having in my life that I cannot work out for myself.

Owl, I'm sending you a gentle hug your way  :hug:. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've felt the desperation and the hopelessness, and still battle with it some days. For me, most days that happens because I'm overwhelmed with too many emotions that it feels like drowning in confusion and pain.
I don't what to say exactly to take away your pain, but that I'm here for you. I'm sending you a blanket if it's ok to maybe ease some of it.  :hug:

Thank you marta, for your care and support  :hug: It feels like that is so much what I need right now. It's the one thing that mitigates trauma, and it's so sorely missing in my daily life.

It's been a really hard few days. Yesterday and today so much so that I am afraid I am slipping into a depression. That scares me to death, I don't want to end up there again. It is such a battle to climb out of it. I felt unsteady today, just scared and not knowing how to get through the day. Not feeling stable is a scary feeling.

I wish so much I could do the IFS journeys and be there for myself, and be able to do unburdening - I don't even know what that would feel like or look like. But I cannot access my Self, other parts of me block it. And so I continue to struggle and suffer and I am in so much pain. I can't help myself, because I so desperately need another human being in the room with me to help me heal.

It feels like my biggest trauma is not having human care and support. I'm still a little girl without a mother and without a family. I don't know how I am ever supposed to heal from this.

Owl, I feel you. It's scary when I think that too: that my huge trauma is based on neglect and abonnement. It's too much for my parts to understand or even process, so, like you, they are in constant pain too.
For the IFS journey, don't beat yourself up for it. I haven't been able to do one in weeks, or I haven't actually done much (like you said, protectors are completely blocking my access). I don't have words of wisdom, but what I can say to you Owl is that we're sending support to your parts no matter what, and hope that eventually they won't be too scared anymore to maybe open up a bit, like a little creak between a door.
Sending much love and lots of hugs :bighug:

 :hug:

Thank you marta and sanmagic  :hug:

I met with my grief counsellor today. We talked about the loss of my mother some, and one thing that came up was that we simply cannot do this healing without the support of other people. I'm spending all my energy looking after my family and on work, but who's there to look after me? I think he was saying that I need to have others there in my life who can support me, so that I can keep taking care of my family and myself. I'll burn out without it. He said that support from others was essential and that we can't get through this grief without it. It was so helpful to hear that. I always had the feeling I was supposed to be able to manage on my own, it just always was and seems to be expected. To have someone tell me that we cannot do without it, validates all the pain I've experienced around having to look after myself without any help.

I found such relief in having that support today. It really helped undo the fear and the feeling that I can't cope from the past few days. I feel safer now, because I got myself some good in-person support, even if it's not necessarily for trauma. Genuine human kindness and compassion go a long way.

I realized something really big today. I think I get blocked and frozen on doing things to help myself when things get tough, because the one thing I need the most is still missing, which is other human beings that I can actually talk to who want to offer care and support. I need that care and support, and if I don't know that I can have that, then everything else grinds to a halt. I need to know there are people in my life there.

I think the parts of me that stop me from self-soothing are doing so because if they allow me to care for myself, then I won't be forced into reaching out to others. I will never have a sense of belonging or have others' care. If I can calm myself down, then why would I need other people? I won't connect and come out of this isolation. I am very good at being alone, and on good days I am perfectly content without human contact. As I just wrote that, there's a part of me that is protesting that. It says that isn't true.. What seems to be more accurate is that on good days, it feels easier/safer not to reach out and connect with others, because the truth is, I am afraid of other people hurting me emotionally. I am trying to keep myself from getting hurt by avoiding closeness. I tell myself I don't need other people, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I have been at odds with myself over keeping safe vs. the pain of social isolation. This has been the battle. I am learning that there are lots of people out there who can be safe. This feels like a shocking piece of information to parts of me. It hasn't really been absorbed yet, even though a part of me has been aware for a while. It feels strange to know and not know, that parts of me are shocked by this, while at the same time another part of me has known for a while. It feels strange to observe all this.

If I can't self-soothe, that is a very clear sign that I have not had enough human contact. So my mission right now needs to be to keep reaching out to people, and push myself outside of my comfort zone, and out of the safe bubble of being alone. The pandemic makes this harder though, so I'm not sure what I can do in terms of joining groups around activities I am interested in.

I am not sure if I have explained things very well. I hope what I wrote makes sense.

Makes a lot of sense. Good insights, Owl. :hug:

Owl, it makes a lot of sense. Even in my mind I can see the debate whether to be "in isolation or with people who care" being battled most days between various protectors. You're not alone in this. Have you managed to find a group therapy, or maybe a group that specifically deals with loss and grief?
Sending much love owl, always will :hug:

Thanks snowdrop  :hug:

marta, I seem to be wanting connection more now rather than not, which is good. I don't have a whole lot of people in my circle just yet though. So I am finding myself wanting connection, and no one being available.

I think depression is creeping in, I have had low energy the past few days, and it's not the normal fatigue to be expected. I feel drained when I wake in the morning. I feel slower in my movement and concentrating on things is harder. I'm feeling quite worried about this, and not sure what to do about it. I am hesitant to go back on medication, and at the same time I really do not want this to get any worse. I'm still getting to know my new (non-trauma) counsellor, so not feeling confident yet that things will turn out okay in terms of having the necessary support while I wait for trauma therapy. Not having my body be able to do what I need scares me. I feel like there are different parts within me that need care and attention, but I don't know how to care for those parts, how to be there emotionally. Other parts don't want to feel the pain, so it feels like those parts are keeping me from caring for the parts that need me. I'm really stuck there. So much energy tied up in all of this, pain needing to be processed but also very much being held at bay.

In some of my reading about IFS, I have read about parts sometimes activating depression, that it serves a purpose. I don't know if that's what happening for me, but I do find myself wishing I could see if that's the case and ask for its help. I just don't know how to do this. I wish someone was there to help me.

Hi Owl, I just wanted to offer you a hug, if that's helpful.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi Hope, thank you for the lovely hug  :hug: I woke up very scared this morning, and it pushed me to get out of the house and to go to the park. I also called a friend and talking to her helped a lot. I have to keep fighting these feelings, I have to pull myself together and do all the things that will help me so I don't slide downwards. I am taking more action towards meeting people, and have found a couple of groups that are focused on outdoor activity that I hope to join. When I got back home from the park, I turned on some upbeat music and started dancing to that while I worked on tidying up. It felt really good to move. I had forgotten that years ago when I was very depressed, I discovered that listening happy music was a good way to help lift my mood in the mornings. I am going to start doing that again. Music is really powerful. I live in silence most of the time, so time to change that.

sounds like you're doing just what you need to do, owl.  :thumbup:  love and hugs :hug:

Sliding backwards again. Lost the progress I made on self-care. I'm just too overwhelmed to do those things. Carrying too much pain that I can't seem to process.

Quote from: owl25 on October 08, 2020, 01:32:59 AM
Sliding backwards again. Lost the progress I made on self-care. I'm just too overwhelmed to do those things. Carrying too much pain that I can't seem to process.

Thank you for sharing this Owl.  I can relate to that feeling self-care and it is helpful to me to hear others like you share.  I hope you find some ease. 

 :hug: sending love and support owl. I'm sorry you feel like you're going backwards, but it's ok. Hope you feel some comfort afterwards.  :hug:

Thanks rainy and marta. I'm sorry I haven't been around more and to return the support. It's been a struggle.

I got massively triggered yesterday. The trigger is feeling like I have done something wrong. The massive, overwhelming pain and shame this causes is just really hard to believe. The shame is soul crushing, like being crushed by an avalanche. The pain just rips me to pieces. This is why I have always been afraid to be seen. Why I have always been afraid to put myself out there. There is such fear of doing something wrong, because the onslaught of shame and pain is more than I can bear and I don't know how I can possibly survive it. How can this be how bad and how awful I felt as a small child? How could things really, truly have been that bad back then?

I don't want to ever experience this again. But I know it will happen again. I don't know how to heal this. I don't know how I go about healing the deep shame and pain within me for existing. For existing and making mistakes, for existing and asking for things and then not getting them. The pain of it is too much. I don't know how I resolve it, because it's not linked to a specific incident, it's just awful, awful feelings out of nowhere, nothing to tie them to.

Owl,

So sorry to read about how you feel.  But I can understand and relate.   

I hope you won't mind me sending you a big hug.    :bighug:

Remember you're supported and understood here x  :grouphug:

Thank you for the hugs and support, snookiebookie2, much appreciated.

I am doing better today. The mistake I made actually brought movement in a situation that felt like it was at a halt, so something positive came from it. The shame has reduced. I also  have finally been able to connect with a real trauma counsellor. I finally feel like I am talking to someone who is knowledgeable. It feels like a breath of fresh air. It's early days yet, but I feel like I am finally not speaking with a general practitioner of sorts, but someone who really knows what this stuff is about. I feel hope now. I am not on my own anymore in trying to navigate this trauma. I've been in survival mode since last December, and now I can finally switch to working through the trauma instead.

so glad you've found someone who is trauma-knowledgable to talk with - i've found it makes all the difference!  i hope you can make some progress.  it is astounding to me, too, how much pain and hurt we endured and survived through our lives.  it's all real, i do know that now.  all of it, and it was definitely as bad as you remember, whether in general or specific incidents.  they've all taken a terrible toll on us.  love and hugs, owl. :hug:

That's great news, Owl. :hug:

Glad you found a therapist who understands trauma.

It's not working out with the new therapist. I don't think this person can give me what I need. It makes me feel really defective that after all these people I've tried, no one has been right for me. How can it be this hard?

I am struggling. I don't know how to make inroads and how to move forward. I am stuck in this place of trauma, and I have mental blocks to doing anything that needs to be done. Daily living is impacted. I can barely get myself to do anything other than hibernate in my room.

Owl, I'm so sorry that it isn't working with this therapist. I think it can be a challenge to find a therapist who not only understands trauma, but with whom you have a connection.

Thanks notalone. It's very discouraging.

I am feeling really lonely.  I don't feel like I have any supports right now. Last session caused a quite a dent in my trust with new T, and I feel like I won't be able to be open with her now. I have no one in my life who gets any of what I am going through. I go to therapist after therapist, and no one gets it.

I have no one I feel I can open up to about things. They wouldn't understand. I need real life people who understand. I don't know how to come out of this isolation I am in. I am horribly lonely and I don't know how to get out of this situation, this lack of social support. People have their own problems. No one is going to really care all that much about what I'm dealing with.

I really am alone with all of this. There isn't a single person I can think of that I could call right now. Not one. I am completely alone.

Owl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have much advice because I feel like that half of the time, and even when I do have someone who takes care of me, I'm always afraid that they will suddenly disappear afterwards. All I know what to say is we're here for you, and I'm sending you much love and support with hugs  :hug: . I feel like this is a fear that most of us have. For me on my bad days this fear comes along and I'm scared I'll be alone forever. I don't know if this helps.
I also wanted to add that I'm sorry the therapists that you've seen aren't working out. I know the hopelessness of not finding a good one. I hope you feel a bit better in the next days.  :hug:

I was thinking of you, Owl, and wanted to send you a hug. I hope you're doing ok. :hug:

Thanks for your care and hugs, marta  :hug:

Thank you for thinking of me, snowdrop :hug: I haven't been by here much. I meet another new T soon, feeling somewhat hopeful but almost afraid to say that out loud. 

Feeling incredibly sad and feeling some of the pain these past few days. Don't really know how to keep on going with the losses in my life, they just feel like too much to bear. And yet here I am. It hurts so bad. I am heartbroken.

Hi Owl - thank you for being so open and sharing your thoughts on here. I did a search about shamanic drumming and came across your journal. I'm trying IFS and it's so great to read everyone's experiences.

Quote from: owl25 on June 13, 2020, 12:11:49 PM
My biggest struggle is parts of me not wanting to allow for Self to be present. I don't know how to resolve that. I'm scared to death. It feels completely unsafe.

I hope this isn't too much of an intrusion,  I'm just curious if you have a narc parent? I had a similar experience of having a very nebulous self and found a huge ball of protectors when I tried my first journey. I also noticed that I need something like a "reality compass" as sometimes I got turned around if that makes sense. Wondering if maybe this is a common experience in IFS with ppl from narcissistic families.

Hi dollyvee, I am glad my journal is helpful to you. It's interesting what you quoted me writing in June, as it has made me realize I've made some progress in that department and I am a bit closer to allowing Self to be present. It's nice to see there has been some movement there.

To answer your question, one parent may have been (?) a narcissist but I'm not completely sure about that. There may have been some traits present, but nothing compared to the anecdotes I have seen online. I think lots of protectors makes sense when dealing with C-PTSD. By the very nature of things, we've been hurt a lot, so we needed lots of ways to protect ourselves.

Quote...it has made me realize I've made some progress in that department and I am a bit closer to allowing Self to be present. It's nice to see there has been some movement there.

That's great, Owl! :cheer:

Owl, I wanted to come by and send you a big warm hug for your day!
:bighug:

Thanks for letting me know Owl - that sounds great that you recognize your progress with IFS  :hug:

It took (and is taking me!) a long time to recognize the treatment of my own family as narcississtic and that it was in fact abuse. Sometimes a lot of the anecdotes (or descriptions of what a narc is) might be quite extreme. I think reading ppl's descriptions of gaslighting helped me recognize it in my own family as it's something quite hidden. Kizzie recommended the sister site to OTTS which is Out of The Fog and there are a lot of personality descriptions on there.

Hi Owl,
I am just popping by and sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you, Snowdrop :)

marta, thank you for the big hug, it brings a smile to my face  :hug:

Thanks dollyvee, I've seen the other site, but haven't really felt a lot of connection to it. I think I've more suffered from emotional neglect by parents who had their own unresolved traumas and never knew how to nurture, as they never got it themselves. Thanks for the recommendation   :)

Thanks for the hug, Hope - always ok to do so :)  :hug:

I have met with a new trauma T and I think that finally this is going to work out. I am really happy with this new T and I think she's going to be able to properly help me. It's been a struggle to find someone. I feel very lucky that she was able to fit me in despite her busy schedule. I feel like I can finally start to heal.

I am feeling quite worn out. I think it's because my anxiety levels aren't as high as they were, and I am feeling how tired I really am. On the other hand, it also feels like a depression-caused fatigue. I didn't think I was depressed, just highly anxious, but given how hard it feels to do things like leave the house, I am starting to think it's depression. I have no desire or motivation to go for walks or connect with people, or to prepare healthy meals. Of course all those things would help my system, but it's just too much.

I'm just so tired. Wish I could sleep and really feel properly rested, but sleep's been a bit of a problem for a while too.

Oh, that's great news about the T, Owl. I'm delighted.

I wonder if it's possible you might be feeling so worn out as a reaction to finding the T. The relief after the struggle. That's how it can be with me sometimes, anyway. I hope you can rest and be gentle with yourself.

Sending you much love and hugs of support. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop  :hug:  I think relief could definitely be a part of this. I've been so on edge and in pain about not having someone to help me with the trauma in the way that I need. I can finally start to move forward.

I meant to share this earlier. I recently came across a talk about trauma and healing by Tara Brach. She talks about trauma and that it is basically a breakdown of communications within ourselves and with people around us. It really fascinated me what she had to say about this communications breakdown. The parts of us that sense danger and the parts of us that can look at a situation objectively and say, "no, actually, we're okay" are disconnected from one another. The parts that sense danger take over. She mentions that integration really means restoring the internal communications within ourselves. I never really knew what integration meant whenever I would read about it, it felt like this abstract, undefined thing. I found this talk very helpful to understand things a bit differently.

Healing Trauma: The Light Shines Through the Broken Places with Tara Brach: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR-DN7JYSLo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR-DN7JYSLo)

I just wanted to write about how hard my intellectual part has worked to keep me from being scared, and how much it means to me that this part of me has been taking care of me in that way. I am deeply grateful to her for looking after me as I tried to heal. Having to cope with complex trauma has been traumatic in and of itself, another trauma on top of all the rest. She has done an amazing job of trying to help me to the best of her abilities, and has been relentless in her support. I only just became aware of how she helps me yesterday. Strange how I had no idea what her role was, why she was there. She's been a constant companion and very present for me all these years, and is a very familiar part of me. But I don't really know much about her, because I think that most of the time I am blended with her.

I am truly grateful for this part of me that loves me so fiercely.

Dear Owl, I'm sending you a big warm hug for all your work and even your rest.
:bighug:
I'm happy that you finally found a T, and I would agree with Snowdrop, many times the relief is as bad as the constant worry you have before achieving something. I know for me, this happened to me every time I had my first appointment set with a therapist: it felt scary afterwards. Any ways, sending you lots of support  :hug:
I also wanted to add that I found your comments on the talk interesting. And, I just wanted to say that I could feel the love and appreciation you feel for your part when I read what you wrote. I think it resonated with my other parts as well, so many have felt forgotten or fought against, so it was nice to hear your kind words toward your part. If it's ok, I wanted to send a hug for you and your other part, and for being a constant companion to you.  :hug:

Quote from: marta1234 on December 09, 2020, 06:08:15 PM
I think it resonated with my other parts as well, so many have felt forgotten or fought against, so it was nice to hear your kind words toward your part. If it's ok, I wanted to send a hug for you and your other part, and for being a constant companion to you.  :hug:

Marta put this really well. For me, I think that part is the one who helped keep me safe even if I was maybe alienated or a little different from others. It's really great to hear your appreciation for that part that helped you, and what a great job they did no matter the circumstances. :hug:

I'm so glad that you met a new T who is helpful, Owl! It makes sense to me that you would be feeling tired as you begin a new chapter of healing and awareness of your mind. I know for me recently, when I started to progress with more healing, I felt tired, stressed, my muscles were tense and I've had raw sadness too. It is just so exhausting and stressful to actually be at a point of dealing with the trauma.
I deal with depression also. And it's hard for me to know how much of all that is the depression and how much just the stress and exhaustion of the process.
I think it seems like a good sign that you are so tired, Owl, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I hope you can take some extra rest and care for yourself.  :hug:

Hi Owl,

Sending you a hug  :hug: and I am very happy to hear you've found a T that is trauma informed and with whom you are finding something helpful.  Thanks also for sharing the link to the talk by Tara Brach - I haven't listened to it yet, but I will hope to do so, it sounds very helpful.

I also appreciated what you wrote about your part.

Hope  :)

Thinking about you Owl :bighug: Sending you lots of support and love  :hug:

Thanks everyone for your support.  I am glad some of what I wrote is helpful!  :grouphug:

I have so much pain that is stuck inside of me that I don't want to face alone. This new T was supposed to be the right one, with decades of experience, and it went really south at my last session. I was already not in a good place, had no opportunity to bring that up at all, and then the session left me shell-shocked. I know I was hugely triggered. I kind of question her approach, some things that I would consider the basics when dealing with such a vulnerable population just weren't there. I interviewed several people before I settled on her, so now going back to one of them. I don't know how I am ever going to heal the pain because it is so deep and so raw. I know I am suppressing it, and it's because I have no support system to rely on. I hope, hope, hope this person can help me. I can't keep going like this and I know I can't heal or start to do better on my own.

Hope you are finding some comfort after your experience  :hug:

I had a bad therapist as well - one who I had to remind on several occasions that my dad committed suicide. To me, that's something a therapist shouldn't forget. I also had experiences with my current therapist where I was ready to throw in the towel, thinking that she didn't like me, or thought that I was over reacting with regards to my grandmother. However, I brought up what I was feeling (or explained how I interpreted what she said) and each time she showed me (authenically) that what I thought she meant wasn't what she intended at all. It turned out to be a really positive experience.

Owl, sorry to hear that you had a negative experience with new T.

Happy new year Owl - Hope you've managed to get some rest  :grouphug:

Hi Owl,

I hope you are able to get some rest, and I would also like to wish you the best for the new year.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks notalone, dollyvee and hope. I hope this new year will bring good change for everyone.

I'm struggling with the trauma. I feel like it is crushing the life out of me, to the point that part of me doesn't want to be around, that's how bad it feels. But I have no option but to keep going. I know I am avoiding a lot. The pain just feels too big and unbearable. The guilt I carry for choices I made in circumstances that were beyond my control is crushing me. I feel like I can't breathe, can't live, can't move. Just going through the motions, because what else can I do? Feel like I am living in a waking nightmare, unable to change the past and undo choices I made. I feel like I am being traumatized over and over again, every day when I wake up, and remember all the bad that happened that I was powerless to stop. Being traumatized is traumatizing, and I don't know how to stop it.

Owl, I'm sorry that you are suffering so much.

Sorry you're having such a difficult time Owl. I understand what you mean - it's like moving through the world where each event, person, reaction, sets off the past and EFs. Even though it's a fog now, you will make your way out of it with better understanding. Your parts are trying to do their best to protect you.

I picked up Jay Earley's book on the Inner Critic - not sure if you've read it but that might be helpful with the guilt. I found it helped me conceptualize the ways I'm hard on myself and see why the patterns might be there.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, Owl. I also recognise a lot of what you're saying. It sucks, to say the least.

I don't really have anything helpful to offer right now. Just "I feel ya".

Take care.

Thanks dollyvee. I will file that away for when I have the energy and the will to check out that book. I haven't finished with the first book yet. I have a bunch of unread books just sitting there.

Thanks Alter-eg0, I'm sorry you can relate. It does suck and it's exhausting. I'm tired of being in lockdown on top of it all. I feel so stagnated. The world is on hold and I want to be able to go out and do things again, it would be a reprieve from things.

They're there for you when you're ready for them. None of this is easy so you're doing well making it through, whatever that may look like.

The Inner Critic book popped into my mind when you mentioned guilt. I found it to outline the negative thinking patterns I have and what might be activating them and there's also the reminder in there that it's just a part - not who you are as person. Even though that part may be acting in a certain way right now, it's learned to do that to protect you and can be transformed too.

Thanks dollyvee, I wouldn't have thought to connect guilt to an inner critic. I do recognize that it's a part and a coping mechanism. It's unfortunately going to take time to work with all these parts, and that feels discouraging. Feeling overwhelmed by how much there is that needs to be worked with.

hey, owl, i've been where you are many times, so i can truly relate.  it's soul crushing at times.  one thing i've been doing w/ my t is going forward in small, sometimes even smaller steps.  that a t would do what was done to you is a shame on the profession (being a therapist myself, i cringe when i hear of such things happening).  hopefully, this new t will be someone who will listen and remember, and allow you to follow the path best for you.  a t needs to be a guide, not a commander.  you have the first and final say on your therapy, and the t needs to respect that and help you get to where you're going, putting your own welfare first, always.  Always!

sending love and a hug filled with encouragement and hope. :hug:

Quote from: owl25 on January 31, 2021, 09:04:07 PMIt's unfortunately going to take time to work with all these parts, and that feels discouraging. Feeling overwhelmed by how much there is that needs to be worked with.

I sure understand those thoughts and feelings, Owl. I feel the same way sometimes. I try not to get too far ahead because it can be discouraging.

Quote from: owl25 on January 31, 2021, 09:04:07 PM
Thanks dollyvee, I wouldn't have thought to connect guilt to an inner critic. I do recognize that it's a part and a coping mechanism. It's unfortunately going to take time to work with all these parts, and that feels discouraging. Feeling overwhelmed by how much there is that needs to be worked with.

I understand and relate  :stars: I have so many parts it seems with more coming up the more I do IFS. It might not be similar at all, but I found myself reluctant to do the exercises in the book and Earley suggested to do an IFS on the procrastination, which I did, and which seemed to unlock a lot of buried trauma. Perhaps it might be similar with the guilt or overwhelm? To confront the guilt/ overwhelm head on and see what is underneath you feeling that way. By no means advice as these things are difficult to process and everyone has their own path.

My T also suggested a map of parts (or to imagine them sitting at a table) which was kind of helpful to me just to put it down.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I've been away for quite a while, I'm sorry for not responding, I was very overwhelmed and needed to take care of myself.

I am very happy to say I am starting to be in a better place now. My new IFS therapist has turned out to be the right fit for me. The difference is amazing. After every session now things just feel calmer and settled within myself. Parts feel seen and heard, and I feel peace within me (it feels like heaven!). As the week goes by, things get unsettled again, but then the next session comes and even if there are tears afterwards, eventually things settle.

My new therapist is really skilled at IFS and I am so relieved. It's like she gets something that all the other people I have seen somehow didn't and weren't able to see. It feels like she's done a lot of her own work because nothing phases her, she's very centered in Self and there is something very calming about that. The calmness and the genuine curiosity are really healing.

She sees me and is helping me work on seeing myself. I have various parts that seem to believe they are by themselves and that there's no one else there. They don't recognize me (Self) and don't know that I or other parts are there. It's so bizarre to know this, that these parts are supposed to know I am there too and don't. I am quite literally disconnected from myself. I can't imagine what it's going to feel like when the connection in the other direction is going to be made, although I imagine I will start to feel whole rather than empty. Something tells me it will be unlike anything I've ever felt before. I've had glimpses of feeling whole, but it's been a really long time since the last glimpse.

I am starting to connect with other people more as well and it's very much needed. I made a new friend who's able to connect with me regularly and takes the initiative, which helps a lot. She checks in with me to see how I am and it's making a world of difference to have another person to talk to if I need it in that moment.

I think the darkness is starting to lift. I know there will still be moments of despair and things are still challenging, but I can see it won't be like this forever. IFS has really helped me recognize what parts that previously really frustrated and upset me have been trying to do for me, and I feel such gratitude for them. I was so angry with myself for not functioning better, but I really appreciate now that parts were trying to help protect me from the pain and distress by forcing me to rest and distracting me with tv or online. I'm still doing some of that behaviour, but I don't beat myself up over it anymore. I know to my core that this will resolve itself in time, that as I work with my T on things that these parts will no longer have to do this for me because the pain will be attended to. The anger towards myself for not doing or being better has been replaced with compassion, gratitude and confidence that it won't be like this forever. I accept  that I am where I am, and it feels truly okay.

I'm glad to be able to share this here :)

 :cheer: It's so good to have read this, Owl25. So many times we get our hopes up, only to see it fall apart. So it's welcome news to see the new encouragement you're finding with this T's approach.

The other part, though, is always you. And you realize that even with the potential hazards of walking this path, you are beginning to find that elusive self-compassion to help, too. Given that attitudinal shift, plus your T's support, you may finally be opening the door towards the healing you deserve.

There's yet a third element -- those on this forum pulling for you.  :grouphug:

That's great Owl, awesome to hear! :D

Quote from: owl25 on April 02, 2021, 10:28:55 PM
Parts feel seen and heard, and I feel peace within me (it feels like heaven!). As the week goes by, things get unsettled again, but then the next session comes and even if there are tears afterwards, eventually things settle.

My new therapist is really skilled at IFS and I am so relieved. It's like she gets something that all the other people I have seen somehow didn't and weren't able to see. It feels like she's done a lot of her own work because nothing phases her, she's very centered in Self and there is something very calming about that. The calmness and the genuine curiosity are really healing.

Wow! Wow! Wow!  :cheer:  It is a huge thing for you and your Parts to feel seen and heard.

This is great news Owl !!  :waveline:

I too, have a part that is closed off and doesn't seem to know I'm there. I hope you find a way to communicate with those parts  :hug:

Thank you woodsgnome, Alter-eg0, notalone, and dollyvee :)

Quote from: owl25 on April 02, 2021, 10:28:55 PM

The anger towards myself for not doing or being better has been replaced with compassion, gratitude and confidence that it won't be like this forever.

This sounds really important, Owl. I like the combination of compassion, gratitude and confidence.

Thank you Blue Rose :)

I can hardly believe the difference in myself right now. Two months ago I was still in agony. New supports became available to me and I felt ready and able to make use of those supports. I continue to meet with my IFS counsellor every week and things are starting to gel a bit around the IFS work. My whole system seems to have calmed down overall. The last two weeks especially I have been feeling much better, and the last two or three sessions there was marked progress. All the acute pain and grief around my mother is settling down. I'm even feeling like maybe I don't have complex trauma anymore, because the triggers have been very few and far between. I do still have a lot of wounds, and I know there's still a degree of avoidance happening, but all that is ok. I'm no longer in crisis, after years of being in a really bad place.

It's really hard to believe the peace and calm I am experiencing. There is still so much work left to do, but it doesn't feel anywhere near as overwhelming as it did when I first started with this counsellor. I thought it would take at least a year before experiencing the amount of relief that I have right now. It just feels like the distress is starting to melt away. I'm starting to get the hang of IFS a little bit, things are starting to click some on how to work with parts, and that's really exciting.

I am so relieved to no longer be living in a state of desperation. This feels like solid, gradual, positive change. I need real life support, parts need to be witnessed, and it all seems so simple.. what is needed to heal is simple, but finding it isn't easy at all.

SO glad to hear you're doing better, Owl!

Just want to add my own  :thumbup: and  :hug: to what's helping you see the light again. May you continue to do well with it.

Quote from: owl25 on April 15, 2021, 02:54:05 AM
I'm no longer in crisis, after years of being in a really bad place.

I feel a big sigh of relief for you, joy, and yahoo!   :cheer:

Hi Owl,
It's lovely to read your update on your progress in your counselling - I hope it continues to go well. 
:grouphug:
Hope  :)

This is great Owl, I'm happy you've found what works for you  :grouphug:

Thank you everyone! I'm happy to have such relief, but I also feel kind of bad to be sharing my good news while I know that everyone here is still struggling. I still am a bit in disbelief at the difference, how distressed I was, and how different it is now. It almost doesn't really compute for me. IFS has been exactly what I needed/still need. It brings with it the validation and the being heard at a deeper level (by both myself and an empathetic counsellor) that was missing all this time and this was the source of my distress - not being heard, seen, _really_ witnessed. I truly wish for everyone here to find this for themselves, I know what a struggle it is and how unbearable it all is. I wish I could help everyone find this relief.

I had a bit of a 'setback' earlier in the week. I ran into two triggers of mine - the slightest hint of rejection and fear of conflict, and I just wanted to hide from the world again. It reminded me that there are still major wounds there that haven't been looked at yet. It so happened that my session was the day after that happened, so it was really easy to focus on and work with. A lot of what came up for me wasn't really new (the memories that a part of me held), but somehow I just got it better. I intellectually somewhat understood the impact of those memories, but now I really get it. Jay Earley talks about childhood experiences needing to be metabolized, and I think that's a really good word for it. I can feel in my body what those impacts were, rather than at an intellectual level, I feel witnessed and seen by myself, and there's such relief in that. It is surprising how much we disconnect from ourselves and do not see ourselves, even though we think we do.

I felt an embodied sense of one of my protector parts, the one that keeps people at bay. It wasn't ready yet to let my younger self join us after I witnessed her memories and the impacts on her. It led to a new insight - I not only keep people in the external world at arm's length, I do the same thing with inner parts of me. I feel such compassion and love for this part of me. She's kept me so safe all these years. So for now this younger part is somewhere else, out in nature, and happily so, until a later time where she may be able to be with me.

My counsellor asked me to let this younger part of me know who I was and the present day and location for us. This felt like the first time a part could really hear Self and take that in. I had no protectors blocking things, I think this is a first.

As I get to know my protectors and exiles, I just feel such love and compassion for them.. which in effect is really love and compassion for myself. I can feel my heart growing a bit more each time.

Owl, you wrote: " ... I also feel kind of bad to be sharing my good news while I know that everyone here is still struggling. I still am a bit in disbelief at the difference..."

I think there's little reason to 'feel kind of bad' for sharing the good news you've been sharing lately. For me at least, these vibes highlighting progress are always welcome, refreshing, and very encouraging to see. When one of us is able to take even the smallest step forward, it raises our spirits as well.

So, congratulations and thanks  :thumbup: are in order -- the good stuff may not seem dramatic, but it's valuable for everyone to see when things can go well, too. It's like looking over a scary cliff and discovering that yes, there is a new path after all.

Thanks again.   :grouphug:

This sounds really amazing the progress you are making in feeling connected with all the parts of you that have been trying to keep you safe. I love reading about this!  :cheer:

Thanks woodsgnome, I'm glad it's helpful. Hope is definitely needed when all feels lost, so I am glad I can provide that :)

Thanks Armadillo!

It's been a long time since I've been here. I hope everyone is well enough and managing to make progress.

I have continued to work with my IFS therapist and it's going well. I am so glad I finally found someone that is a good fit for me.

I used to really identify with CPTSD. I still have a lot of old wounds that need healing, but the label doesn't feel like it applies anymore. For the most part the distress is gone, it's rare that I have a flashback or a feeling of terror. Although, I do know there are some feelings that still feel too much that for now are boxed up. It's interesting because now that I have been doing IFS for a while, I just look at that time of severe distress as very hurt parts of me completely taking over, looking for safety and stability, and not being able to find it. Now that I understand things from a parts framework, and have been able to access Self often enough, that distress has gone. It has been replaced with enough confidence that I can heal. I have found some internal secure attachment.

Today's a bit of a harder day. Parts carry a lot of grief, and I don't feel like I've done any real unburdening yet. Grief doesn't feel like something that can just be let go somehow, and it doesn't feel like I can change the outcome of my losses for my parts. In IFS they say you can change what happened in your internal world, but I'm not sure that's possible for grief. I don't know if anyone here knows more about that.

Even though I've been able to have more Self energy, I still struggle to be in Self a lot of times. I have a very sad and depressed part present today, which bothers another part that had plans for this weekend of getting things done, and it's important to that part we stick to the plan. The sad part just doesn't want to do anything. I don't really want to be incapacitated by the sad part today, but at the same time, I know it is important to let it be present and be with it. It's a bit of a challenge finding my way through this in the moment when these parts show up like this. It's difficult to get into Self enough to create some movement. I think writing here is an attempt at stepping back from parts a little and trying to get a bit of a clearer view, without pushing any of them away.

Owl, I am glad to read your post and update.  I can relate to what you say about how identifying with the label of CPTSD changes over time especially as you develop a new relationship and understanding of what is going on.  I appreciate you speaking that as I think I am in a similar place too.  I hope that you find what you are seeking.   :hug:

It sounds as though you're making good progress, Owl. I'm so glad it's going well with your IFS therapist. :hug:

I've just finished reading Chapter 7 of No Bad Parts, and it includes a transcript of a session which involves some grief. It's a bit hard to describe out of context, but I can try if that would be helpful.

I hope writing here has helped. :hug:

rainydiary, I hope that you relating to what I wrote about the label means you feel you are healing from it as well  :hug:

Snowdrop, thank you for the offer to describe it - if it's a bit difficult to do, that's okay. Knowing that the book covers this is actually very helpful already, now I know I can find that information there, so thank you for that.  :hug:

Thank you for being willing to share your journey. I'm just about to start reading this book and I hope it helps.

Good morning Owl25

I'm encouraged by your writing and want to highlight similar feelings:

QuoteI was so angry with myself for not functioning better, but I really appreciate now that parts were trying to help protect me from the pain and distress by forcing me to rest and distracting me with tv or online. I'm still doing some of that behaviour, but I don't beat myself up over it anymore. I know to my core that this will resolve itself in time,

Dollyvee envisioned all the parts sitting around a table. I do too! (without reading that first) Interesting how we imagine ourselves being in one place.

Also this popped out:

QuoteI not only keep people in the external world at arm's length, I do the same thing with inner parts of me.

I became aware of this, but couldn't seem to change it consistently. Now I think working with the IFS and No Bad Parts is going to help me make progress. 

This stands out as the gem:

QuoteI have found some internal secure attachment.

:cheer: :yes: :applause: I'm so happy for you and stand with others encouraging you to continue.  :hug:

Quote from: owl25 on August 01, 2021, 04:23:31 PM

Even though I've been able to have more Self energy, I still struggle to be in Self a lot of times. I have a very sad and depressed part present today, which bothers another part that had plans for this weekend of getting things done, and it's important to that part we stick to the plan. The sad part just doesn't want to do anything. I don't really want to be incapacitated by the sad part today, but at the same time, I know it is important to let it be present and be with it. It's a bit of a challenge finding my way through this in the moment when these parts show up like this. It's difficult to get into Self enough to create some movement. I think writing here is an attempt at stepping back from parts a little and trying to get a bit of a clearer view, without pushing any of them away.

Hi Owl,
It's good to see you again, and I related to what you wrote here about your parts.  I particularly thought that you're really honouring your parts by stepping back from them a little, and getting a clearer view, without pushing any of them away - reading that made my own parts feel some sense of comfort too. 

Hope  :)

CactusFlower, I'm glad to share and that it's feeling helpful to others :)  I hope the book helps you. I haven't read that particular one yet myself but I have a whole stack of other IFS books. I love what IFS has been able to bring to me and very much believe it can help anyone who's interested and whose parts are not opposed.

BeeKeeper, nice to meet you  :wave: I suspect that external and internal distance may be a common experience for people with CPTSD. IFS has really made a difference in changing that internal distance for me, and with that comes a lot of inner calm and peace. It is an absolutely wonderful feeling to have. Thank you for the encouragement, I intend to keep going for sure :)  Glad to hear you're doing IFS as well, I wholeheartedly believe you will find a similar sense of peace and calm as a result :)

Thank you Hope, it was a bit of a tough day when I wrote that, I let go of my goals for the day and worked with them to see what was going on and what they needed. It led to some important understandings and significant progress as a result on what some parts need from me. I have been trying to honour those needs (the need for me to show them they aren't forgotten in my day-to-day, which I have been doing in the form of a daily check-in). It's really nice to hear that my approach of trying to get clarity without pushing parts away gave a sense of comfort to your parts, thank you for sharing that  :)

---

I am making good progress with my parts. When I first started, it was very hard, as I hadn't established much trust with them yet. But, I've been working on it and I've started documenting what is called a "parts timeline" (described in the Daily Parts Meditation Practice book by Michelle Glass). Parts weren't okay doing this until recently so I am quite pleased I am able to now. The timeline basically is a record of any IFS session or time spent with parts, where you list which part came up and in what order, and what they had to say. I am finding it helpful in a couple of ways - one, it helps solidify the understanding of each part and strengthens my connection with them, and two, over time I can revisit and start to see the bigger picture. By reviewing what I have documented I can start to connect some dots and come to understand that for example, some parts were actually the same part, and get a fuller picture. I can also start to see which parts tend to come up together a lot.

I am really enjoying getting to know parts like this, and really wish I had more time and energy to do more of it. I am also listening to "Greater than the sum of our parts",  have a list of books I'm trying to read, and I've been listening to podcasts and watch any IFS video that looks interesting to me. If I could do this full-time I think I almost would for a while.

I sometimes feel like Self is there but that it's outside of me, like I am a part and I can hear or sense Self and sense how it just gives me space to be. It automatically tells me what I need to hear, and I think, how did Self know to communicate that to me? I'm not really sure how to explain this experience. It kind of feels like a bit of a reversal of the regular IFS process, where you have other parts step back to make space for Self, and from that place you communicate with parts and you see parts. I'm not sure if anyone else experiences it "backwards" like this or not. I haven't come across any description of that anywhere.

I just got reminded of something that I wanted to share. I forget where I heard it now, either a podcast, or it's from "Greater than the sum of our parts". Instead of an onion, Richard Schwartz likens healing to working with cloves of a garlic bulb. There is a cluster of parts that forms around each past hurt, and as you heal one cluster (one clove). the other cloves are pretty much still intact. So instead of working with layers of an onion, we are working with cloves of a bulb. I like this, it feels like a fresh perspective.

Good morning Owl25

You said:

QuoteThe timeline basically is a record of any IFS session or time spent with parts, where you list which part came up and in what order, and what they had to say. I am finding it helpful in a couple of ways - one, it helps solidify the understanding of each part and strengthens my connection with them, and two, over time I can revisit and start to see the bigger picture. By reviewing what I have documented I can start to connect some dots and come to understand that for example, some parts were actually the same part, and get a fuller picture. I can also start to see which parts tend to come up together a lot.

What a testimonial! Sorry for the McD's copyright infringement, I'm LOVIN' it.

I acknowledge this might be a sneak peak into my future, but even if it isn't, I'm psyched about the ways it's been helpful for you. Especially the bigger picture part. I've been accused professionally of not seeing the bigger picture. And the flip side is, but, I'm genuinely good with the details! The reality is there's a balance and the bigger picture is composed of those details, so you can't have one without the other. I tended to separate it in my mind, either/or. Now you bring a different perspective for me, which feels like an open door calling me through.  :yes:

Thanks for the garlic/onion analogy. That clarifies it for me.

You're doing brilliantly, Owl.  :cheer:,  :applause:.

You've spoken about Self sometimes feeling outside you. There's a section in No Bad Parts that talks about the Big Self. Sometimes I'm in my Self, and have an awareness of this Big Self too. I don't know if this is the same thing, but I thought I'd mention it in case it is or it's helpful. :hug:

BeeKeeper, I love that this is so helpful to you! I am a detail oriented person too. It's hard to zoom out and get a bigger picture, when we're so zoomed in and close to the ground all the time. Maybe this is an approach you can use professionally as well? Write down all the details in bullet points, and then review from a higher ground, so to speak. I am glad I've given you a different perspective  :)

Snowdrop, thanks! I am making such progress, I'm very happy :) Thank you for sharing about Big Self, I have not heard of this before. It's so bizarre to me how when I am in Self, it feels it is me, but when I am blended with a part, that feels like it's me instead. This outside Self does feel a bit different/separate from me though. I'm not sure if it truly is, or if it just feels that way because I am wholly blended with a part and this part feels too separate from the rest of me.

I'm just wondering, are you saying that when you are in Self, you can sense this Big Self at the same time? Or just that in general you know of this Big Self?

--

I'm catching up on my parts timeline this evening, and there's a part that can't be bothered, but is allowing it because it knows it's important to track. I have been writing up the details from connecting with parts at the start of the week. I had promised a couple of parts I would do a daily check-in first thing in the morning, but that's been a bit hard to do because I usually don't feel good when I wake up. It takes a while wake up enough and for the brain fog to lift, and by the time I do that, it's time to start work. That, in combination with this part not wanting to be bothered, has caused me to stray a bit from the original promise. I have still checked in at some point every day, but not always right away. Revisiting these details is reminding me of what I promised and that I've not quite done it in the way I said I would. A part feels guilty about this, as it knows I'm not supposed to break promises to parts. The can't-be-bothered part has been around this week and it's influenced keeping me from following up. Part of it is also just being quite tired, which always seems to be an issue because of parts avoiding going to sleep on time at night. Another part is feeling worried I've broken my word, and am not doing a very good job of being there for the parts that need me because I'm not managing to do it first thing.

I'm very tired this evening so I can't really work with these parts right now, but having written the timeline is a very good reminder. I hope that I'll be able to re-focus my efforts to continue to check in with the morning parts.

I have just finished updating my timeline for 3 different days from this week. I cannot believe how much came up in each individual session, there is so much there. I am not surprised I half forgot most of it, until I went back to it. It's a lot of information to absorb and try to integrate and remember.

A part is exhausted. Another is glad I finished it tonight. Another has decided I should just type things up as I do sessions that are by myself, rather than on paper first and then switching afterwards. Some details aren't clear anymore because of the delay.

Our inner lives are way more complex and detailed than I realized. I think I better understand the part that can't be bothered and feels tired at the thought of checking in with other parts. It also in part doesn't want to deal with some of the wounds that will come up, which is very understandable.

I feel such appreciation for all my parts.

QuoteI'm just wondering, are you saying that when you are in Self, you can sense this Big Self at the same time? Or just that in general you know of this Big Self?

When I'm in Self, I can sense a Big Self. I hadn't read about it in those terms before. The book also phrases it as a larger field of Self, which you can connect to when you're in Self.

Thank you for clarifying, Snowdrop.

--

Today is a difficult day. Things have been going well, so I'm actually not used to this anymore. I had a part that was feeling panicked about what was lurking under the surface (another part of me feeling quite depressed) and it wanted to distract, run, and avoid. I was able to calm this part down. Whatever it is that's going on for the part that was feeling really bad, I would be able to handle it. When I connected with this part that's feeling so bad, it shared what made it feel that way. I'm still feeling quite depressed right now, but the difference is I know why and am able to acknowledge the feelings. It allows me to accept those feelings. In the past I wouldn't know why I was having a bad day, and I would try to fight it and get upset with how bad I was feeling.

I'm feeling pretty bad right now. Even though I know what the trouble is for this part, it kind of feels like it might be the tip of the iceberg. I'm feeling drained and have bad headache, so I don't feel like I'm in a space to go any deeper with this. I'm allowing myself to just be, even if it doesn't feel good. I'm really sad and wish I could change some of the past. I'm glad that I am able to have some self-compassion and that I know I need to go easy on myself today, I need some love and care. Today is a day of putting  no expectations on myself. I'm looking after myself, and being kind to myself is what I need right now.

A part of me dreads the remaining pain and hurt that I carry.

 :hug:

 :hug:

Thank you Armee and sanmagic  :hug:

--

Part of feeling so bad yesterday was that I was sick. I didn't even realize it until I noticed I was too warm, and when I took off a layer, I had chills. It's hard to recognize when I'm sick because of how awful I felt emotionally for so long.

Feeling much better physically today, but woke up feeling quite anxious again. This would be my 3 year old part that tends to be present when I wake up. As usual, there is also another part that doesn't like how this feels, and it's avoiding and trying to ignore the anxiety. I then consider trying a bit of IFS/trying to get into Self so I can help the 3 year old part, and another part immediately sends the thought "I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to help, I can't help". And I take on that belief that I don't know how to help the 3 year old. It makes me give up without even trying. I recognize this pattern, it is so familiar. I haven't been able to shift this pattern. As I am writing about this, I am feeling this stabbing pain in my ear that comes and goes. It's been there since last week. It makes for a good distraction. Part of me wants to try IFS to help parts but the belief that I won't get anywhere is pretty strong. I recognize this is a part and now I notice that another part feels quite scared of me working with the 3 year old. I do feel stuck here as I think this fear does prevent me from dealing with the source of the anxiety. It's been very pervasive and it is problematic. Waking up in fear and then having fear around the reasons for that fear is hard to deal with. It went away for a while but it's back now and I think as a result of some anniversary of a bad thing that happened. I'm anxious and would rather try to work with this with my IFS therapist, but that's another day away. I don't like ignoring parts and I don't like how I'm feeling. I'm going to try and see what the part that is so afraid of the 3 year old has to say.

Owl, I appreciate you sharing about waking up anxious.  I do too and it was helpful for me to read the idea of finding the source of the anxiety.  I am trying to find my source too.  :hug:

Hi Owl,

QuoteI am feeling this stabbing pain in my ear that comes and goes. It's been there since last week.

:'( I hope that you are confident this is not a physical problem, but manifestation of your feelings. My filter is always protect your ears, so forgive me if this gets my comment and attention.

I hope you are feeling better physically, less warm, a bit more of homeostasis. It took me a long while to figure out the same thing you said:

QuoteIt's hard to recognize when I'm sick because of how awful I felt emotionally for so long.

Amen.

I see your "familiar awareness" as a huge plus. Even though you can't define or resolve it, the simple attention that you are bringing to it says a lot to me. In my mind, that acknowledgment shows your willingness to embrace your entire experience.  :yes:

rainydiary I am glad this was helpful to you. I hope you can ask that anxious part of you questions about what it's carrying.  :hug:

Beekeeper, thank you for sharing your concern about my ear. It's really quite interesting. I think the stabbing/pulsating pain is a minor ear infection that I ended up with at the end of last week. It bothered me some on and off for a couple of days, and it wouldn't be there all the time. I really noticed it when it suddenly flared up again this morning as I was making all these observations about my parts. It had stopped hurting for the most part before that. I have listened to Richard Schwartz on IFS and pain, and he said that parts can cause a physical issue to flare up if they feel it's needed. So if you are prone to allergies, or have some other physical issue, parts can make more symptoms show up. This morning very much felt like this was happening. My ear hasn't hurt the rest of the day, although I can still feel a slight pressure inside it now that I think about it. So, I think this is a case of a minor bug being fought off, and a part decided to amp things up. Pretty clever and fascinating to observe!

I am glad you've learned to recognize being physically sick. It feels tricky to me, since being physically sick can make me not feel well emotionally as well.

--

Tonight I listened more to Greater than the sum of our parts and I am finding it very helpful. I'm not doing the meditations/exercises right away, I'm just listening so I know where things are going with a given exercise. I find it soothing to listen to this book. It's helpful in gaining a further understanding of IFS and of how to work with parts/what are helpful things to say or do. After I complete the whole book I plan to go back to the start but with the intent to take notes, there are a lot of little bits that stand out that I want to make sure I make note of and keep in mind as part of my own IFS practice.

I'm still not feeling quite like myself and still feeling off, and know it's related to this morning's parts. They've been present since Sunday. I hope my session tomorrow can help with them some. I do think some big wounds are there under the surface and part of me does feel a bit scared. I wish I could manage being in Self enough to address these kinds of things but I'm just not there yet.

feeling off can be terrible, especially when you're not quite sure of its source.  it happens to me when i get overcome by emotions that i can't fully articulate or even recognize.  i hope for you that you are able to feel more 'on' very soon.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san :hug:

--

Feeling anxious today and just feel like hiding under the covers somewhat, I think because there is too much on the go this week. I get anxious and this makes it hard to slow down and try to do some IFS. Last week's session was very intense and a lot of painful stuff came to the surface to me. It took a lot out of me to the point that I wasn't able to document what parts came up and what they shared. One part that came up was kind of new. It didn't feel I deserved to be happy because I messed up something really important to me. My counsellor asked the part that "messed up" if it wanted to share why it did what it did and it said it was trying to make things better for me. The part that doesn't think I deserve to be happy seems to have understood this, but still is concerned about letting go some of the pain I carry.

Still feeling anxious and likely am going to just watch some Netflix as a distraction now.

Hi Owl,
I know it's a couple of days since you wrote this, and I just wanted to say I hope that you found some distraction with the Netflix, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope  :hug:
--
Not doing okay right now. I am feeling really fed up with the impact the past has had on me, and really angry at how much work there is left to do.  It almost doesn't feel worth it, but I don't have much choice. Interacting with others always ends in pain getting triggered. I just want to withdraw from other people forever, and not have to interact with anyone ever again. I feel worthless and unlikeable, and annoying and weird. People don't get me. It hurts. It just feels better to avoid others. I'm seriously angry. So angry. Just another layer of the damage has become so very clear to me, and it's so very hard to undo. I don't know how to interact with other people, and I don't know how I am supposed to figure that out.

Owl, I appreciate you sharing this as it resonates with me.  I hope that you find some ease soon. 

Something I am reflecting on - I feel the same way about my interactions with others and often feel like I should just go live by myself somewhere.  The interactions that make me feel this way are with people that tend to trigger me and who I tend to have negative experiences with for a variety of reasons.

Then there are interactions I have here on this forum, with my students, with my support people, and with people I tend to have positive experiences with for a variety of reasons. 

I definitely spend more time thinking about the interactions that don't work versus the ones that do.  I'm not sure I know how or if it would help me to spend time thinking about the things that work.

I hope this wasn't too much to share on your post.  I appreciate you sharing your experience.

 :bighug:

It's ok, Owl. It's ok to not know how and to not know how to figure it out. It'll come. Too slowly of course. And it isn't fair - this too! -- but you will get there.

I feel your anger and frustration that another layer of damage has surfaced and it's right to feel angry. You shouldn't have to work so hard on things that seem to come naturally to others. It isn't fair and it is hard work and it takes it all out of us.

:hug:

 :yeahthat:

honestly, too slow it sometimes seems, but i have faith you'll get to where you need to be.  i can't remember the number of times i haven't known which step to take next, or not take any at all for a bit.  it will work out.  love and hugs :hug:

Owl,

You are valuable to me and I've learned a lot from you.  :yes:

Thanks rainy. I know it's not always us, and that in some situations the problem is other people. Right now I am struggling with what seems to be a big  issue with myself and not others.

Thanks armee, you expressed a lot of what I am feeling.

san I hope it will work out. Feeling pretty hopeless right now.

BeeKeeper thank you.

--

I'm really struggling today. This has been a big setback for me and I am feeling depressed. No energy or motivation for anything. My body aches from tension. I just want to hide. I just can't with anything right now. My counsellor is gone this coming week too, but even if she were here, I don't think I would want to even talk to her about what's going on for me.

Please do find some time to hide, as much as you can! You deserve a bit of what you need, Owl. I'm sorry it is so hard right now and feels so bad. It will pass.  These moods and emotional flashbacks don't last forever. You'll get through this. For now, it's telling you something. :hug:

oh my heart, i could've written what you wrote about not wanting to talk to anybody.  so many times.  i've shared your feelings of hopelessness as well.  it's a distressing place to be stuck.  as someone wise on this forum once wrote to me, 'this, too, shall pass'.  i know it might not seem like it now, but eventually.  just hang tough for now as you work your way through, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with strength. :hug:

Armee, I pretty much am. Spending the day in bed. No one in the outside world would know, as I just don't have connections with people.

san, I guess it will pass, but I feel like something has shifted inside me, and it doesn't feel like a good shift. I feel like I've lost my optimism about moving forward.

--
I have a migraine now, and I know it's from being so upset. I rarely interact with others these days. I don't have the energy to invest in relationships with others. I never really did, looking back I can see that there were a lot of EFs and my go to behaviour is to withdraw when hurting. I realize I just don't have the space for others because I'm just drowning in my own stuff. I have made half hearted attempts in the past to be social, but it just takes too much out of me. Right now I don't want to be around others, and I don't even want to try. It would be wasted energy. Another part of me is concerned about this and that I'll lose what social skills I have.

I feel like there is no one on this planet who can understand me or my experience. There is only me. I don't think my counsellor always gets me either. I struggle to explain my experience sometimes. I feel broken and too flawed to be wanted by people. I feel like I just make others uncomfortable.

 :hug: :grouphug:

Owl, I am thinking of you as you navigate these feelings and thoughts.   :hug:

well, owl, you don't make me feel uncomfortable.  i share a lot of the thoughts and feelings you write about.  i used to cultivate people to be in my life, now i'm down to 3, and sometimes i don't even feel like talking to them, like i'm too consistently flawed and nothing positive is going to come out of my mouth anymore.  i've only struggled with this the past year or so, when my stress levels had gotten so out of whack.

meanwhile, you are valuable to me and to this forum.  i just don't want this beast to win!  not over anyone.  sending you love and a hug filled with a bouquet of multi-colored zinnias and white asters to hopefully bring a little sunshine to your heart.   :hug:

Owl.  :hug:

These feelings are so painful. Especially feeling so alone and different. Feeling different and isolation are symptoms of trauma. But it's ok to give in to them right now. It might just be what you need right now. Take cover and nurture yourself till you feel a little stronger.

Blueberry and  rainy  :hug:

san, it makes sense to me that you've struggled with this given the stress levels. I think stress takes so much out of us, there's no room left for other things, including relationships. Thank you for your care  :hug:

Armee thank you  :hug:

--

I've been sleeping a lot the past couple of days. I'm kind of bowled over by how exhausted I feel still today. This hasn't been part of my normal in a while, so I can see the contrast and how absolutely exhausting this state of being is. No wonder I could never accomplish much in the past, and yet I would  be upset with myself for it. I have learned though that energy levels will vary, and when they return, I'll be able to do more again. I am a little frustrated today that my weekend went to waste, but at the same time I know that I needed to just take care of myself and give in.

I struggle with how much there still is for me to work through. There is so much left that needs healing. I'm feeling discouraged by this, I want to move on with my life already. Part of me does not want this to be a life long thing and is worried about this. I feel like so much time has been lost to the pain and just surviving already. I don't want to lose more.

Part of me feels like I hit another layer these past few days that I wasn't really aware of before. It's felt like a set back given the way it took me down. But stepping back, I kind of see it as part of the path. A very painful part. Parts feel hopeless about it. Another part figures with time it may get better, but the hopeless parts don't believe it one bit. They think nothing can ever change, because history has shown this. These parts have been blended the most with me.

How do I know when a social situation doesn't go well, if it's because of me making a mistake, or it's because of other people and their own stuff? I have lost the little confidence I had gained right now.

I don't think I can work on how I relate to other people until I have worked on myself more. I need to work with the various parts of me and get those parts of me integrated. Only then will I have the proper space and resources to then open up to others. The trouble is this may take quite some time, maybe at least a couple of years. I hope not longer than that.

I am so, so tired.

Reading your entries of late has felt sadly familiar to me -- those jags into loneliness and despair reflect my most discouraging times. And sometimes they only seem to get worse.

My Icr would gladly point out that I consciously chose a very lonely path many years ago, even to the point of living in an isolated region. A few years ago I at least had a couple friends; now there are only a couple and those come with other factors that don't bring us as close as I'd like. So the despair sets in and at times feels like it will never leave.

In some respects I feel I've improved, but my doubts reset and I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. But I didn't start writing this to moan about my sorry state -- I want so much just to offer you a friendly hug (if you're alright with those) and a hope that your outlook can turn you back towards accepting more of the wonderful character that we all see in your sharings here. It's good to see that at least you're trying to focus more on self-care.

I think I mentioned a hug ... here it is:

                         :bighug:

hey, owl, i, too, have struggled with the thought that this is going to be neverending, like i will literally never reach the end.  realistically, i believe i'm too old to unpack everything that's gone on in my life.  processing one thing reveals another and another.  my T tells me otherwise, and that helps keep me going thru it all.  i hope you can find your way to the light at the end of this tunnel.   we really don't want this beast to win, do we!  but, it can be heartbreaking, mind-messing, and emotionally draining on the way.  we're here with you, you're not alone.  love and hugs, owl.   :hug:

woodsgnome, your Icr may be correct that you consciously made that choice.  What it may not realize is that there was a good reason for that choice. There always is; parts of us do things in an effort to protect. I understand though that despair coming up as a result, it's a result of feeling so stuck and like nothing can change. This may be faulty thinking, and I think this is being battled by opposing parts of me - those that feel it's the truth, we are stuck forever, and then there's this other part of me that believes that with effort things can be different. Thank you for the hug and for sharing how you see me.  :hug:

san, I hope your T is right and that you can work through it all, sometimes it just feels like an impossibility and it gets very distressing. I don't want the rest of my life to be this, the thought of that is unbearable. It makes me want to work harder at it, but at the same time, I know I can't force the process, I can't speed it up, and so that's discouraging too, that it's going to take the time it's going to take. Yes you are right, we don't want this thing to win. Thank you  :hug:

--
I'm still not feeling well today and ended up taking a sick day. I usually push through, but today I couldn't face a day of struggling through the work day. It feels a bit like torture when I can't focus and all I want to do is lie down and rest. I wonder if I am fighting something off now, I'm feeling run down still despite resting and taking it easy the past few days.

I am still on the wait list for EMDR. I've been on the fence about EMDR for quite some time, so this has been okay. Parts have been very afraid to try it, but I'm noticing less fear now. There is still a lot of caution around it, but I think I'm open enough now to see how it might go. It may be a couple more months yet, but that's okay. I think that will give me more time to do IFS and help me gain a bit more confidence in myself in being able to handle what might come up for me. I am finding actually there is a part that now wants to do EMDR to see if this can help move things along more quickly. I am so tired of still having so many struggles. Things have vastly improved for me, but there is still a lot of painful stuff there that still feels like too much and I need a solution.

I know progress is slow going because parts are very afraid of the pain that's locked away. I have felt some of it a few times in the past month or so, and it is a lot and intensely painful. No one likes to feel pain, and I think pretty much most of me is trying to stay away from the acute feelings. However, keep it locked up is draining and steals energy from my life that I want. I'm not sure how to face it head on, because I really don't want to. I know I'm avoiding and running from it. I don't have the courage and I don't know how to.

I wish I had an appointment scheduled for this week.

I think I'm in an EF. I think I may have been one in the past few days.  I thought I was coming out of it, with it lingering some a little. Then some conflict happened and I am feeling panicked and scared. I know this is an EF and yet feel unable to ground.

I'm sorry a conflict happened just as you thought you were moving out of the previous EF. It's good that you recognise you're in an EF even if you're not managing to re-ground yourself. This EF will pass too. Sending care and support to you, Owl.  :hug:

Thank you Blueberry. It's been a few days now and the EF has passed. It's mind-blowing how powerful they are.

---
I didn't have a session with my counsellor this week as she is away. I managed to do some IFS on my own. I discovered a new part of me. I know very little about it as I have not had the time to get to know it yet. The only thing I know about it is that it wants to be free from everything I carry. Another part of me did not like this new part. It is afraid of changes within myself and of other parts taking over. It was worried about having to 'share' with this other part. It didn't want more parts coming in and making things feel crowded inside. It also shared even not liking Self being around and that it feels uncomfortable because it's new and different. It's so bizarre connecting with feelings like this, I had no idea. Experiencing those feelings though and really connecting with them was an eye opener. No wonder things seem to take so long to change; there is a genuine fear and a real need to be given the time to get used to things becoming different within myself than they have been for decades. It is shocking how disconnected I was/am (?), to the point of being completely unaware of these feelings.

I can kind of see what how things will be different inside myself as I keep doing the work. One part of me is okay with this, and welcomes it. To this scared part it feels alien and frightening, and even the smallest of steps towards that is a tough adjustment.

I am feeling a lot of grief today that I have pretty much locked away most of the time. I hate the pain and wish I could go back in time to change the past and avoid the loss, or at least, this version of this loss of my mother. I want to change things so badly. It is hard to accept the past and the things that went wrong. Things that with my current insights and perspective I would handle very differently.

Gentle hugs for the grief you are feeling today.  :hug:

Quote from: owl25 on September 11, 2021, 10:32:28 PM

It is shocking how disconnected I was/am (?), to the point of being completely unaware of these feelings.

Yeah. I agree.  :grouphug:  :yeahthat:

hasn't that been an ongoing question?  how would we do things differently back then if we knew what we know now?  i've always had problems with that one.  it is very difficult to accept what was, how we'd make different choices and behaviors if only . . . 

that's a tough one, owl. so very sorry for the pain you're feeling as you go thru all this.   sending love and a hug filled with the possibility of acceptance.   :hug:

Owl, I appreciate this reflection from you.  It touched on things I feel in my life and appreciate the chance to see how you explain your experience. 

I often notice in myself surprise at emotions that come up associated with memories of things I hadn't thought of in years.  Not even memories of big events, often interactions that seemed insignificant at the time and yet carried impact for me to explore later. 

I wonder if I needed the time to gain experience and vocabulary and tools to help me manage before being ready to feel all these things.  And when I finally do feel them, grief comes. 

I am thinking of you.

Hi Owl,

This immediately got my attention:

QuoteThe only thing I know about it is that it wants to be free from everything I carry

Wow! You just validated something for me which has been gaining ground and attention for the last year. I can understand your feelings of being "crowded inside", I feel the same at times and find it difficult to find rest and peace.

I like your observations about the ever changing internal family as you work through things and your feelings about acceptance and welcome but also fear. You're right, it is a tough adjustment.

You've written a very clear post about your new discoveries that I can use to make sense of my own. Thanks for that effort.  :hug:

Armee, thank you for the hugs.

san, thank you. 

rainy, I am glad my thoughts are helpful to you.  I think we often aren't ready for things until other things are established first.

BeeKeeper, I am glad my post helped you gain some insight into your own experience.

---

I have been away for a while, took a break from everything for a little bit. I haven't done any IFS, but am starting up with it again. A part of me is hoping to make a lot of progress with it, another part feels pessimistic and thinks I won't get far, because there are always so many blocks that come up. Self is eternally patient and not worried one bit about this. I have an impatient part that wishes it was easier and progress could be made faster. It's hard to accept that it's a slow process.

glad to see you're back, owl.  it sounds like you're dealing with quite a bit of conflict among your parts.  it sounds tiring to me as well as amazing how we can see and feel one perspective here, another there, and the struggle that may ensue because of such a dynamic.  i have no doubt you and your parts will be able to come to terms, make mutual decisions, support each other down the road.  i give you a lot of credit for forging ahead, being open to emdr (it works wonders for me as far as moving forward) and continuing to work on what you believe is best for you.  sending love and a hug filled with hope. :hug:

 :wave:

I'm glad you're back.

Welcome back. The slowness of the process can be hard for me too.

Thank you san, armee, and not alone.  :hug:

---

Feeling very sad and discouraged today. I had a session today and it took a lot out of me. I felt a lot of pain and anger that I carry, and at the same time there didn't feel like there was a way out or away from it all. Feeling it and acknowledging it didn't bring any relief. Part of me feels trapped in the past because these feelings are from the past. This part is very angry and also does not want to allow for any changes through IFS. Doesn't trust me and won't make room for Self. It just wants peace and to ignore the past like it didn't happen. Except it doesn't work that way, other parts carry the past and they don't just go away. This part feels resentful about all of it, another reason why it's blocking me on doing any kind of work. It just feels kind of hopeless to me that I'll ever get anywhere, there's always a part of me that undermines any efforts, because it's not allowing it.

Today wiped me out and I'm sad, angry, frustrated, and don't know what to even do anymore.

Owl, your post resonates with me so much.  I am thinking of you as you navigate this as I am here walking this path too. 

I feel the way you describe quite often. Especially about knowing the feelings are from the past and feeling frustrated about that. I bet you'll figure out what these parts are needing soon ..

rainy, I'm sorry you feel so much of this too. It's hard. It's hard to have some perspective when these feelings take over.

armee, I hope I do figure something out soon, but I'm not holding my breath.

--

I had a terrible dream last night that had me wake up crying out in pain. I dreamt I was talking to my mother, but she wasn't my mother anymore, because she didn't know who I was. I told her I very much would like her to be my mother and she just didn't know how to respond. It was a bit of a deer in headlights response, she didn't know who I was and she didn't know how to react. It instantly felt like she had died, and then I woke up from the pain of that, and realized it was still true. She still has died, and it hurts so much. It feels like this grief will never leave me, and it's so heavy.

I do not know how I am supposed to apply IFS to grief. Sometimes when I am feeling something quite intensely, my therapist will try to get me to step back a bit from the part that is feeling so much, so that I can be with it and offer it comfort. It doesn't feel like this works though. It's one thing to process things from long ago, and to have a part tell Self about it and for Self to offer comfort. It just doesn't seem like it works for something like this, and I don't know if it's just me, if I'm doing something wrong. When I feel the grief I can't take a step away from it to keep some distance so that it doesn't overwhelm (the reason why she tries to get me to step back). It feels like abandoning myself in a sense if I try to do that. Maybe this is something that my body needs so that the grief can be worked through physiologically?

I'm confused by all of this. Given the pain I felt in the middle of the night, I understand why part of me isn't letting me progress with IFS. It is trying to contain the pain, and after having felt it, this makes more sense. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't know where that leaves me.

 :hug:

Quote from: owl25 on October 18, 2021, 10:27:41 PM

I felt a lot of pain and anger that I carry, and at the same time there didn't feel like there was a way out or away from it all. Feeling it and acknowledging it didn't bring any relief. Part of me feels trapped in the past because these feelings are from the past. This part is very angry and also does not want to allow for any changes through IFS. Doesn't trust me and won't make room for Self. It just wants peace and to ignore the past like it didn't happen. Except it doesn't work that way, other parts carry the past and they don't just go away. This part feels resentful about all of it, another reason why it's blocking me on doing any kind of work. It just feels kind of hopeless to me that I'll ever get anywhere, there's always a part of me that undermines any efforts, because it's not allowing it.

Hi Owl,

This really resonated with me and feel I'm experiencing something similar right now. When feelings come up about my grandmother/mother, I feel like the guilt I'm carrying (that it was my fault, that I can't leave them behind) somehow keeps me in these feelings. If I let it go, I'm letting go of the only idea of the world I had as a child and the one that would give me (or so I thought) protection and love, and the unknown brings up a lot, a lot lot lot of fear. It's like the part of me that has to experience the world is still that young child even though it's not the case.

Sending support and space that you can be with the part that's feeling so much right now.

dolly

Owl, that sounds like a lot to feel while sleeping.  I hope you have found some rest and ease.

Quote from: owl25 on October 19, 2021, 07:56:31 PM
I do not know how I am supposed to apply IFS to grief. Sometimes when I am feeling something quite intensely, my therapist will try to get me to step back a bit from the part that is feeling so much, so that I can be with it and offer it comfort. It doesn't feel like this works though. It's one thing to process things from long ago, and to have a part tell Self about it and for Self to offer comfort. It just doesn't seem like it works for something like this, and I don't know if it's just me, if I'm doing something wrong. When I feel the grief I can't take a step away from it to keep some distance so that it doesn't overwhelm (the reason why she tries to get me to step back). It feels like abandoning myself in a sense if I try to do that. Maybe this is something that my body needs so that the grief can be worked through physiologically?

I'm confused by all of this. Given the pain I felt in the middle of the night, I understand why part of me isn't letting me progress with IFS. It is trying to contain the pain, and after having felt it, this makes more sense. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't know where that leaves me.

Owl, often my Parts need comfort from my T for quite some time before I am able to be the adult and comfort that Part. It seems that you sense that you need to feel the grief. I don't think that you are doing something wrong or aren't progressing with IFS. Trust yourself.

Thank you san. :hug:

dolly, what you describe seems to be quite similar to some of what I am experiencing. Parts of me won't release or let go the bad feelings from the past, because in a way those feelings keep her alive.

rainy, it was rough to wake up that way, but it also allowed for a release of some grief which I seem to keep quite a lid on. I have been able to catch up on some rest, thank you  :hug:

Not Alone, thank you. What you say about needing someone else offer comfort first before being able to do that ourselves makes so much sense to me. I sometimes think this step of the process gets rushed, the getting us to do it for ourselves. Thank you for saying to trust myself, that is really helpful. I think I needed to hear that from someone outside of myself.

---

I'm slowly getting back into the groove of IFS. Parts allowed me to do some IFS work today, and it was helpful. I've had a little bit of a realization today, that I need to just go with the flow when it comes to working with myself.

I find IFS a bit hard to do at times because I am trying to follow the pre-defined protocol, and it just doesn't always fit or work for me. I get frustrated in session sometimes because my therapist tries to get me to separate from a part and interact with it from Self. But typically my parts don't want to do things this way. What feels better to me is to let the part be present and let me be that part. When I am by myself,  what happens then is I can hear Self responding to me from outside of me being the part. I can't see Self, but it's there, like the sun in the sky. And Self is automatically saying all these things to me, no thought goes into it, it just comes. Self was helping me feel heard and comforted this morning, but it felt like a separate entity from me.

I feel like I am doing IFS 'backwards', and haven't heard of anyone else doing it like this. It's not bad or wrong, but does have me wondering. I can't be the only one whose system works in reverse? I think trying to do IFS in the 'right' order gets in the way of my flow. I think it gets in the way as well when working with my therapist sometimes.

Quote from: owl25 on October 23, 2021, 09:22:22 PM
I find IFS a bit hard to do at times because I am trying to follow the pre-defined protocol, and it just doesn't always fit or work for me. I get frustrated in session sometimes because my therapist tries to get me to separate from a part and interact with it from Self. But typically my parts don't want to do things this way. What feels better to me is to let the part be present and let me be that part. When I am by myself,  what happens then is I can hear Self responding to me from outside of me being the part. I can't see Self, but it's there, like the sun in the sky. And Self is automatically saying all these things to me, no thought goes into it, it just comes. Self was helping me feel heard and comforted this morning, but it felt like a separate entity from me.

I feel like I am doing IFS 'backwards', and haven't heard of anyone else doing it like this. It's not bad or wrong, but does have me wondering. I can't be the only one whose system works in reverse? I think trying to do IFS in the 'right' order gets in the way of my flow. I think it gets in the way as well when working with my therapist sometimes.

Owl, I don't want what I say to confuse what you are doing with your T. Please disregard anything that is not helpful. I hear your frustration, and that prompts me to respond. Context information; I am working with a T who is trained in IFS. I find that some of the IFS stuff is helpful and some is not a fit for me, or at least not a fit right now. IFS is a way of doing therapy. It is a tool. There might be tools in the IFS toolbox that you don't need, don't know how to use, or are not helpful yet.

I will give you an example. I don't have a lot of connection with the current Little that has been out and in therapy. I am aware of what she says and does, but for some reason my adult/nurturing of her has been less than with other Littles. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm not concerned about it. Because of previous experience, I know that my ability to care for different Parts changes over time. When my T says to her, "Not Alone and I care about you," I do care about her, but I feel very distant. Therapist has told her that she's not bad. I don't think that I can say that with a fully truthful heart right now. I/she needs someone else (T) to say it.

I'm wondering if you've shared what you're thinking and feeling (paragraph quoted above) with your therapist? Sometimes it feels like our T can read our minds, but of course they can't.

Again, I encourage you to trust yourself. IFS stands for "internal family system." It is YOUR internal system. Keep listening to yourself.

Quote from: owl25 on October 23, 2021, 09:22:22 PM
I feel like I am doing IFS 'backwards', and haven't heard of anyone else doing it like this. It's not bad or wrong, but does have me wondering. I can't be the only one whose system works in reverse? I think trying to do IFS in the 'right' order gets in the way of my flow. I think it gets in the way as well when working with my therapist sometimes.

Hi Owl,

I'm glad that resonated with you. For me, these are big feelings and once I understand something intellectually, it doesn't always match up emotionally. I've been learning about the Bon tradition of Tibetan Buddhism recently and after I wrote the post the other day, I found a talk about fear which hit home with me. He states that we have all we need in us (protection, love, warmth) but "parts" of us have our identity wrapped up in things outside ourselves (parents, relationships, jobs, etc), and when we lose the things outside ourselves, we feel the emptiness without the protection, love, warmth etc and that you can cultivate this with the Three Doors. I don't think it's always so easy with trauma and I am working out how to incorporate it, but I thought it was interesting as the explanation seems so close to what I'm feeling. Maybe it's useful for you too.

IFS maybe only worked in a small way for me the way I read it described in a book and I would echo Not Alone, that this is your internal family system and you are learning (discerning) what worked for you. For me, I feel/felt like, OK this is what my parts are showing me, now what does it mean and how does it work? I think it kind of felt good tho to build that trust relationship with my inner workings. My guess would be that that part feels that way for a reason, that maybe there is something it hasn't shown you yet about why it likes to be that way, or maybe another protector who is stepping in for some reason? But whatever it is, it's your connection to you.

dolly

Hi Owl,
I admire the fact that you're honouring your consideration of 'flow' and addressing things in a way that feels ok to you and your parts. 
Hope  :)

Not Alone, thank you for sharing your perspective and insights. I agree some of the tools in IFS may just not be right for me just yet, in this moment, but may be helpful at a later point in time when I have worked through some things first. I shared a little with my T today around all of this, but not a lot. I need to take small steps.

dolly, part of my identity may be indeed wrapped up in who and how my parents expected me to be. There may be a lot to untangle there. Part of it was feeling responsible for them/their feelings in an indirect way. Meeting their expectations resulted in a certain set of feelings which were difficult and painful, and so now those feelings = my parents getting what they need. Except my parents aren't here anymore. I can't seem to let those feelings go because it feels like it's the only way to still be connected to them. Feeling the same unhappiness/pain is a means of keeping them alive, to some part of me.

Hope, thank you, you found another way of wording things for me that is really helpful. Flow is important to me and I hadn't quite put my finger on it.

---

I am utterly exhausted tonight. Massive headache and worn out from today's session. I didn't expect this to happen but I shared a little with my counsellor today about what doesn't work for me (trying to get some parts to step back). It's hard for me to share things like that.

I discovered today there is a protective part that does not want to continue IFS. Still feeling this right now and even though I don't have the reasons for it, the lack of progress (or perceived lack of progress) recently is now making sense.

My heart hurts tonight. Missing my parents horribly despite everything that happened.

my heart is with you, owl, with your pain.  you showed courage in your session today.  i don't doubt that protective part is shielding you from something you may not be quite ready to face.  it sounds like you made a step toward that door, tho.  i hope you can give yourself credit for that.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you, sanmagic, for your kind words  :hug:

---

I'm feeling unsettled today and a mix of things. It's clear now there is a part that is very strongly against me moving forward with any IFS. Having this clarity is helpful, it was something I wasn't really aware of before. I am in no hurry to rush things along. In fact, I now feel apprehensive about it all. I am concerned about the intensity of both anger and fear that I have noticed in response to trying to do IFS. It is unsettling that there's a massive fear of "going there", because I don't understand the fear yet. I'm not sure at this point that I want to pursue any of this. At the same time, some of the grief has been bubbling to the surface, and it hurts. I'm afraid of the pain, of feeling the full brunt of it, because it feels like it's more than I could possibly bear.

Right now I'd rather just leave it all be, but part of me thinks, I can't live the rest of my life like this, with this deeply buried pain that shows me the deeply painful tip of the iceberg regularly.

This block has been there from even before I lost my mother.

I don't really know where to go from here.

Quote from: owl25 on November 02, 2021, 12:25:01 AM
dolly, part of my identity may be indeed wrapped up in who and how my parents expected me to be. There may be a lot to untangle there. Part of it was feeling responsible for them/their feelings in an indirect way. Meeting their expectations resulted in a certain set of feelings which were difficult and painful, and so now those feelings = my parents getting what they need. Except my parents aren't here anymore. I can't seem to let those feelings go because it feels like it's the only way to still be connected to them. Feeling the same unhappiness/pain is a means of keeping them alive, to some part of me.

Hi Owl,

Thanks for sharing this - it seems like a very big realization. I want to send a hug to your little ones that are scared to let go if that's ok.  :hug: It does seem like a lot of pressure on you to do that for them growing up and I can understand why it might be hard to let it go because what happens if you do? Where would they be then?

In the Unattached Burdens course with Bob Falconer that I took he said that our fear parts were a gift because they show us some very deep parts of ourselves; that we need to really thank them for showing up. Hope you can spend some time with them and get to know them.

I listened to this talk the other day and he mentioned that fear is "experiencing the emptiness of Self without the warmth and awareness and sense of perfection/completeness when you are losing the thing you have been identifying with." If you're interested, the talk is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn0g05e8QIs&list=LL&index=17&t=3s

Sending you support and think it's great that you have the courage to look at all this inside yourself.

dolly

I don't know if it's true or helpful and I have done no parts work at all. But just what I am feeling reading your last post, Owl, is that is doing IFS you've just recently pulled up a lot of grief that was dormant. Like an almost overwhelming amount of grief. And maybe this resistance to doing more IFS from this other part is really just a reminder to slow down and process what just came up before rushing to unbury more while neglecting the pain you are currently feeling.

But maybe that's what you mean? That you want to process this pain and to do that you need to do parts work and this one part isn't letting you.

Either way the pain and hurt sound difficult and I want to give you a safe virtual hug to get through today if that is welcome.




:hug:

hey, owl,

i have no doubt you will find your way, even if you don't know where to go from here right now.  please, be patient with yourself, take care of yourself as best you can, and breathe.  keep breathing, ok?  right beside you all the way.  love and hugs :hug:

dollyvee, it may seem like a big realization, but it's one I've known about for a little while. It feels like old news, and it's not something I've been able or even tried to shift. I'm just aware of it. What you say about fear parts showing deep things about ourselves, I hadn't thought of it that way, but that does feel true. Thank you for sharing the talk, parts are restless and I may not be able to watch it, but will keep it in mind.

Armee, thank you for your perspective, it puts a different spin on things for me. It's strange, on the one hand I feel a lot of pain, but on the other, it's like it's not significant. Like it's only 1% of what real pain might feel like. So I feel like I'm feeling it and not feeling it at the same time. Thank you for your hug  :hug:

san, I hope I can find my way. It feels like I haven't yet after all these years. It all feels kind of aimless, but I am looking after myself. Thank you for being there beside me  :hug:

---

Today I felt very depressed when I woke up. I decided to work from home instead of going in, it just felt like too much otherwise. I've been thinking this time of year is in the lead up to my loss, so maybe this has me feeling bad. I also wonder since I've decided I don't really want to push myself to do more IFS, if this has freed up space for other feelings.

My IFS sessions are online, and I really wish I could see my counsellor in person. Unfortunately she's not local and I'll never be able to see her in person. I think I am keeping my guard up a bit because it's online. It doesn't feel as secure or as private as meeting someone in person in an office, I just can't shake that it's technology and by definition never 100% secure.

I'm still on the wait list for EMDR and still go back and forth on it if I want/need to do EMDR. I have noticed I have become more open to it than I was before, and maybe a bit more ready to try it and see what it can do for me. It's been a year since I got on the list, hopefully I'll hear something soon.

Owl, I appreciate you sharing about your day.  I hope that you find moments of rest as you navigate these days.

Hi Owl,

I get that - it took me 10 years before I could take it on board what my T was saying about my mom being a narcissist. It was like it couldn't even register it and then after I started dating a narcissist, it came back to me that maybe it was something I should look into.

Hope you're finding some space to navigate through things.

dolly

Thank you rainy and dolly  :hug:

--

I am very tired tonight. I had a big dip in mood over the weekend. I tried to do some IFS on my own from a different perspective. It didn't go very well, I didn't have enough Self and parts of me got very, very upset. I have been thinking a lot since, trying to figure out how to do this. There is a lot of internal feedback and there is just so much information, I feel I can't possibly process it all and make things a bit more coherent for myself.

One thing is clear and that's that a part of me is very angry with me and won't really unblend. So many reasons and so much unprocessed stuff is held inside me. I don't know how I'll ever work through it all.

Owl, I am in a similar place today and send you whatever would feel supportive in this moment. 

Hi Owl. I'm wondering how you and parts are doing now? I'm sorry IFS has been difficult lately and I hope the angry part and Self can communicate.

Hi Owl,

I hope things are better for you. I don't know if I'm out of line saying this, but your post reminds me of before when you first started seeing your IFS therapist. That there was a lot of overwhelm then too but you were able to connect to your parts and felt much better. Maybe this new information is only a little regression (going back to those old feelings) and that there is a part of you that is more than capable of handling it?

It also jumps out at me the idea of urgency that's there about having to work through it all. Surely this is your life and you are building a better connection to your parts, so why do your parts want you to be something/someone else? You are where you need to be as the old saying goes.

Sending you support for what you're going through and hope you've found some ease  :hug:

dolly

my dear owl, i just hate being overwhelmed, and so very sorry you're going thru that right now.  when i've had this going on, i've found that slowing down helps, just breathing thru it, and taking it one step at a time.  i've also found writing to be helpful.  it's helped clarify things when i can see it in black and white. 

i wish i could give you a gentle hug instead of a virtual one.  but, virtual will have to do, and it's filled with love and a bunch of colorful zinnias and autumn grasses.  maybe your parts can focus on one of the colors each and just enjoy it for a minute, give you a little peace. :hug:

 :wave:
Hi Owl,  thinking of you

rainy, sorry you're in a similar spot, I hope things have improved, although I know you've got a lot of stress with visitors at the moment.

Armee, things are shifting around, parts are communicating but it's been organic without me trying to initiate dialog. Things are feeling better.

dolly, the urgency is there, because there's a lot of pain and it often feels intolerable. Parts want for the pain to go away, but with other parts blocking, that can't really happen.

san, thanks for the hug, it helps to express things and have them be heard.  :hug:

Larry, thanks for saying hi, nice to hear from you  :)

Thinking of you Owl.  :hug: I understand about feeling urgency because there is so much pain. I have found that I often need to slow down. Not easy. Something my T says that helps me, "You don't have to figure it all out right now (or today).

Thanks for clarifying that Owl. Sending you some support for going through it right now. I hope that it didn't come off as dismissive. I always find it helpful when my T tries to get me to get in touch with those parts that have done all the work so far.

All the best,
dolly

 :hug:

Not Alone, definitely not easy.  :hug:

dollyvee, it did feel a bit dismissive to part of me at first, but I understand that was not your intent. Thank you for your support.  :hug:

Snowdrop, thanks for the hug.

----
I had another session today. It was intense. Parts were very blended and would not/could not make space for Self. It was a very painful session. Parts are very much resisting allowing Self to be around. Parts could not take in my therapist's presence either. This left all of me without any comfort. Today has been very draining. I have a part that blames me for all the pain that's there.

Owl, if it is helpful, I am holding space for all the feelings coming up. 

it sounds draining, like there's an inner battle going on, and that takes a lot of energy.  sitting right beside you as you navigate thru the pain and the difficulty you're having in getting all your parts together to work in your best interest.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Thank you rainydiary and sanmagic  :hug:

---
I have some distance today from the parts that blended so much with me yesterday. I am going to see if I can now try to get into more Self and provide some connection and care.

I hope that goes well, Owl. :hug:

I'll be wishing you luck getting some distance with your Self so as to better help your parts all feel better.

 :hug:

 :)

 :grouphug:

I hope you found care and connection. 

Feeling very low today. It's not been a good week. The pain has gotten bad again. I just feel like I'm stuck in a cycle, wash, rinse, repeat. Nothing gets better. The things that hurt so much keep coming back, I feel the pain, but it doesn't improve. It incapacitates me. I'm feeling depressed and don't have it in me to manage daily things again. I'm having doubts about therapy. This just feels like more of the same where nothing helps. I can't change the past and I feel powerless to change how I feel. I feel like the past has a huge grip on me. Memories keep coming and they hurt just as much the 1000th time I think about them as they did the first. It's not getting any better.

 :hug:

I'm sorry Owl, that the memories continue to be painful, over and over.

I hope you can find something that works to take the sting out of them.

 :hug:

Hi Owl,
I am sorry you're experiencing those things, and wish that you could get some respite from some of them.  Sending you a hug of support and caring  :hug:  I hope that's ok.
Hope  :)

Thinking of you, Owl. How are you?

Thank you, sanmagic, Armee, dollyvee, Hope and Not Alone  :hug: It's been a while since I've been here. Things were a bit tough for a while, but are improving at the moment.

I don't have a whole lot to report, but just wanted to come here and wish everyone a happy new year. May 2022 bring you much healing and joy.  :grouphug:

Owl, wishing you healing, joy, peace and love in 2022.

owl, back atcha.  glad you're feeling better.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you, Not Alone and sanmagic  :hug:

I am doing better. I am feeling more hopeful. I'm continuing to find more resources online to help with understanding myself and what is going to work to heal this thing called CPTSD.

Never give up.

Owl, I continue to be amazed at all the information and different angles we can learn about experience from.  I hope you find things that support you. 

Hi Owl,
Wishing you the best for 2022, and sending you a New year hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

rainy, it feels like there's such a wealth of information out there now. I struggled to find info for years, but now, there's more than I can possibly look at. I'm very glad the internet is there to provide all these resources.

Hope, thank you for the good wishes and the hug, same to you!  :hug: