I feel like I'm in a much better place than when I started my first journal, so I have decided to start a new one to reflect that. I guess my old journal will get buried, but I hope it will remain available, and will be helpful to someone. I feel like I should write a book or something. I know what its like to be in a really bad place (crisis), and I want to help others who may be stuck in their own. Perhaps there is a better way though, I will have to do some research.
EDIT:
You can find my old journal here. (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12238.150) It contains some of the things I've been through, and the daily struggle to make it "to phase 2".
As far as I can tell, there are a few things that allowed me to make it this far:
1) The first is that I have not seen M (my worst abuser) in a few years now. Sometimes we talk on the phone, but I don't have to see her. Also, I believe separating from my wife helped a lot. It is unfortunate, I wish it hadn't been necessary, but being with her was constantly triggering to me. Not to say it was her fault (nobody's perfect, but my past isn't her fault). I guess they key point, was removing everything(everyone?) in my life that had a negative(triggering) impact on me.
2) Medication and other strategies to help deal with the worst of the symptoms (depression, anxiety etc), so that I could function somewhat.
3) Other people in my life I could connect with that have a positive influence (my sisters and their husbands) on me, once I was able to function more (after a while with points 1 and 2).
4) Time. Fighting through the * of it all day by day. This is such a huge thing. There are no words that can truly capture what it takes to keep going every day, fighting to improve, even though it can look hopeless at times. Unfortunately, we all have the experience and don't need the words.
Of course, this isn't a cure all, or how to get better in a few simple steps. But they really made a difference in helping me, and I hope somehow they can help you too!
END EDIT
Its interesting, that there's always something I'm struggling with internally, or that I am trying to improve about myself. When my general mood is better, the worst of these things vanish, but others come to take their place. Its okay now though. Things now don't seem so overwhelmingly important... and to some degree they aren't, as they don't keep me locked in a bad mental state.
The thing that is bothering me most right now, is how bad my sleeping schedule is, and my inability to control it. It seems like people can just sometimes stay up later, or wake up earlier, but have a generally "normal" schedule of sleeping through the night, and being awake during the day. I would say that I'm not in control of my sleeping though. It's not just that I get really tired sometimes, but I feel so bad mentally, and I know I will feel much better after some rest. Interestingly, I was out of town recently and shared a hotel room with my sisters, and I didn't feel nearly so bad when I was kept busy being social with them, and other people in the extended family. I'll have to do some more reflection on that point.
I've also been wondering if my night time medication (pain meds, not brain meds) has been causing me problems. Last night, I've started taking it in the morning as a test, to see how I feel through the day (what drowsiness effect it has on me), and if there is any change in my sleeping. So far today, I've had a bit of trouble concentrating, but haven't felt drowsy. It isn't night time yet, so I'll have to see how that goes. I didn't have a great sleep last night. I woke a few times, and had at least one nightmare, but that isn't uncommon for me.
Another thing I'm working on is my eating habits. I've put on a lot of weight in the past couple of years. I've written in the past about how I don't generally feel hungry, so I just force myself to eat. I guess I've been forcing myself to eat too much. Its very difficult to know how much to eat when I don't want to eat anything. Anyway, I'm cutting back on the amount I eat, and eating more fruit instead of frozen food. Hopefully that will help.
A final thing, is my ability to focus. When I'm overly depressed and anxious, I can't focus on things very well. I tend to jump from task to task, not really getting much completed. On the other hand, when I am feeling better, I seem to over-focus, getting lost in what I'm doing, and spending far too much time on the little things. I'm not sure if this is a chemistry problem, or a behavioral problem. I wouldn't be surprised if both factors come in to play. Its certainly a work in progress though. I need to learn to do more unique things throughout the day, instead of getting caught on a task all day, or even all week long.
Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Work in progress. :)
Today has gone well. I slept through the night, only waking once to a bad dream (and not even terrifying, just unpleasant). In the morning I felt well and rested, and lounged in bed a while to take full advantage of that feeling (as it is still rare). No drowsiness today either. It seems strange to me that those pills make me sleep longer, but don't seem to make me tired during the day when I take them in the morning. :Idunno:
Even though I was actually hungry today, I stuck with my new "diet", so that's good. Yay for self control.
It was also really great, that now my internet is (somewhat) working, I can listen to music again. After a week of silence, it feels amazing to just enjoy some music. I have been listening today with a fresh sense of appreciation at its beauty.
I certainly wasn't over-focused today. I would say I was under-focused, but not distressingly so. I don't know if I will ever find a good balance there. It is a very difficult topic for me.
My brother (in-law) asked me to play some games with him this evening. It is a tremendous confidence boost to be wanted - specifically asked for - by someone who is not so damaged.
I think my biggest hurdle right now, is the difficulty in leaving the house. It is still pretty tough to walk out that door. Anyway, I can stay in now and make something to eat. Its not an immediate concern.
I was ready to wrap this post up, but I had a thought come to me. Today I spent an hour talking on the phone with M (well, mostly she talked). I always am very different when I talk to her. Even though I had realized it, and said I was going to be myself, and told her I was going to be myself... I'm still different than when talking with the rest of my family, or other people. As I mentioned briefly in my last journal, I was able to "relax and react" (be myself) a lot more so with F recently. So why not with M? Anyway, the thought I had is that I just don't care. It sounds bad, but I really don't care about her, I just tolerate her. I'm not exactly sure why that is (besides the obvious), or how/if it can be improved upon. I'm not even sure I want to... I think I should, but again, I don't really care. I'll have to think about that more later. Time for dinner!
hey, jazzy,
good for you for figuring out about those meds and your sleep schedule. i have problems w/ sleep as well, but it's not because of my meds. i'm hoping that as i continue healing, the sleep will eventually sort itself out.
interesting about that dynamic with your M. i noticed you put a "should" in there about caring. i don't necessarily believe that a 'should' is attached to our true selves, but rather attached to some kind of guilt. there's so much emphasis about how we 'should' or 'shouldn't' feel about ourselves or others, sometimes i think it can mess with us when we attempt to be true to ourselves.
keep taking care of you. sending a hug filled with love and continued success in a more healthy way to eat! :hug:
It sounds like you're taking really good care of yourself, all the things you did as your phase 1, and everything you are doing now. That's really quite an accomplishment. :cheer:
Thank you san and owl! :) I've had sleep issues all my life, they're not so bad right now, but not great either. I just keep working at it. I hope yours get easier soon san! :)
Quotei don't necessarily believe that a 'should' is attached to our true selves, but rather attached to some kind of guilt.
Yeah, that is an interesting point. I keep re-writing this paragraph as I think about it more and more. I had an answer all ready for this, but uh, I think that answer is wrong. I think the real answer is that there's a (big) part of me still stuck as that little 3 year old who feels neglected and abandoned by his M. I think this also explains a lot of the anxiety/not feeling safe I deal with. I have no idea how to conquer that though. Hopefully being aware of it, and some meditation on it will help. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Today has been a bit rough. I didn't sleep so well last night - woke up about half dozen times to bad dreams. This morning was good, but shortly after lunch things started going downhill. I've been feeling really down, and while that's okay to feel down sometimes, I can't seem to focus on anything, or even distract myself from how I feel. I'm just hopping from one thing to the next with no interest. Strange that 2 days ago I was over-focused, and now the opposite. Its feels like its been a rapid change. Gaming with my sister/brother also didn't work out due to technical problems, both last night and today. I had hoped that interaction would help me feel better.
But, with all that said, I am feeling better than when I first started writing. Hopefully after dinner, or maybe after sleeping tonight I will feel better.
I hope you sleep well tonight, Jazzy. :zzz:
:yeahthat:
that was a huge realization for you, jazzy, about being stuck in your 3-yr. old self. sometimes those can rock us off center for a while, so please take care of you, ok?
i do take xanax for restless legs syndrome, have for 20 years, but if i get 6 hrs. of sleep at a shot, that's a good nite. this stuff takes its toll in so many ways.
keep going, jazzy. we're all in this together. love and hugs :grouphug:
Today was pretty good. I slept a bit longer than I would have liked, but overall it was fine. My brother came over and we talked for a few hours this afternoon/evening. After he left I made dinner and tidied up. After that I got that strange feeling I always get when I realize I'm alone again - like I need to re-adjust. Now I'm a bit tired, but feeling okay. Not good, but not bad, just... almost normal; peaceful. It is amazing how much better I am now than I was a couple years ago, and how far I still am from "normal" on a daily basis.
I'm still sitting with my previous realization. I think that's going to take a lot to process still.
Today has also been mostly good. Yay! Although, I didn't sleep very well, and fell asleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I'm afraid that will set me on a cycle of sleeping during the day again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens, so I'm trying not to worry about it too much.
I had some difficulty staying focused today, and felt very bored no matter what I did. When I got busy with dinner, it was much better though. I felt something that is very hard to explain. It was like an extra awareness. Not of anything in particular, just of me. It felt like I belonged in my apartment, like I was actually the person who lived here and is responsible for it. I don't think that has ever really happened before, but it was great. I'm hoping these kinds of feelings keep up, but not really expecting them to.
Spent a bit of time thinking about the child part this afternoon. I remember the words of an old therapist of mine "I don't know what I can do, I can't get you a new mother.", and I really don't know what to do either. I've just been trying to focus on the fact that I am an adult, and have been taking care of myself. So, at least physically, we are well past that stage. Hopefully I figure out more soon.
Sleep was good today. I've been over-focused again, which has drowned most things out. I feel bad for not replying to anyone here today, but I have a hard time connecting to things emotionally when I'm in this over-focus state. I've been trying to at least check on my phone and deal with messages as they come in. I think I still need a lot of practice in dealing with things in moderation.
:hug:
Thanks San!
I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Tomorrow I am headed out of town again to attend my grandmother's burial. I wish I could just stay home and pretend nothing ever happened to her. Although, I also feel guilty for not being there more, or helping with everything.
Its also difficult to be around that part of the family. I'm not sure if it is accurate, but I feel like there are a lot of expectations I am not fulfilling from them. I may be projecting that though, and I think it ties in to the fact that they (my dad and his siblings) don't get along with each other very well. I find this very frustrating. They are lucky to have the family they do, I wish they would learn to be more understanding of each other.
I don't want to fall asleep, because then it will be tomorrow. I don't know what kind of emotional state I'll be in over the weekend. I don't know how I will re/act at the burial, which is also a cause of concern. I've just been trying to ignore it all, but it is getting closer and closer. I guess I'm feeling mostly insecure.
That sounds hard, Jazzy. I hope it goes as well as it possibly can. Thinking of you. :hug:
Hi Jazzy,
I am also thinking of you. :hug:
Hope :)
Thinking of you, Jazzy.
Thank you Snowdrop, Hope, and Notalone! :hug:
TW: Death/Funeral
Its interesting. I've certainly had a lot to think about this weekend. One thing I realized is that, recently, I've been very vague in my posts. I think this is partly due to the fact that I wasn't comfortable with what I was dealing with, and maybe partly I've been afraid someone will be able to identify me. Although, I'm sure they have enough to do so already in my other journal, so no point in trying to hide now. :)
So more specifically then!
I felt really guilty for not volunteering to be a pallbearer. First of all, I'm the eldest grand child, and should be leading by example. Also, they were short 1, which I was told, probably a hint that my help was needed. On top of the general anxiety of feeling I'll fail at fulfilling expectations, I can't carry much weight (my back is really bad), and I had no idea how I would react mentally during the whole ordeal. This is why I didn't volunteer right away. I mentioned this to my brother in law, and he said that he would handle any extra that may be needed if I couldn't carry much. So, at the last minute, I explained this to my uncle, and filled in as the missing pallbearer. So, I did feel better about that.
Another thing that concerned me, was how I would react to the entire situation. With the medication I'm taking now, my moods are a lot more normalized. I'm sure this is a good thing, but as a result, I have been choking up a lot (at a TV show, during a movie or song etc. I'm choking up now just remembering the funeral, to be honest.), which is really new to me. I have never cried in public before, so I really had no idea how overwhelming it would be, or how to deal with it / things at the time. I don't really know how to explain it better, but I was really concerned about it.
At first I was dissociating a bit, and didn't realize I had started crying (or that amazing grace was being played live on the bagpipes). When I realized, I focused on my senses and doing my part to carry the casket, which helped. After a few minutes, I noticed that I was no longer dissociating at all, and that felt good in a way. At least I was being honest (my Self), and not showing the perfect image I have so practiced, but actually being there, living in the moment. I would say I cried a moderate amount (it wasn't too overwhelming for the most part, but felt like a lot to me as someone who has never cried in public before), and again, I though that was healthy, which was positive despite all the sadness in a strange way.
To compound the first two points, as I said earlier, I was concerned my uncles would be judgmental (that I couldn't carry much/that I was crying), especially C. I'm not sure why I care most about what he thinks of me, maybe because he's been the most outwardly caring (he is in general a pretty good person, just has a bad temper, and can be blunt). So, I guess I feel closest to him. Much to my surprise, at the end of the funeral, he completely broke down and wailed. So, that calmed my own fears of him judging me, but raised its own issues. I didn't know what to say when he held me in a hug, so I said it was alright, that I had cried too. Now, I feel like an idiot for saying that, as he obviously didn't care about it, but it had been such a concern of mine for a while now (and in general, what he thinks of me always has been a concern of mine), it was all that came to mind. Anyway, we muddled on, exchanged I love yous, he offered me a drink, I took it, so all is okay I guess, just ICr bugging me still.
Although I still avoided most people after the funeral had ended, I managed to calm myself down and carry on with the day. This is remarkably different than how I usually go in to an EF and get stuck for a long time. I always thought people who could just move on were horrible, and really didn't care, but it felt healthy for me to do so. I have been wrestling with my own feelings, and have taken the time, especially during the funeral to feel and work through them.
So, I would say that it went as well as it possibly could, better than I expected, or could even imagine.
I'm okay now, although still somewhat off. I've been avoiding going shopping. I also haven't unpacked from the trip, or tidied the bedroom. I'm not exactly sure why, but those tasks seem really difficult right now. I've just been trying to keep myself distracted. My sleep has been alright though, and I'm in much better shape than I was expecting. I'm somewhat anxious right now, and don't want to go to bed, but it is bed time, so to bed I go.
Also, sorry to everyone who I didn't manage to reply to yesterday. I'm still struggling emotionally somewhat, and it is hard to (emotionally) connect to some things right now. Although, today was better than yesterday, so I guess I'm headed in the right direction. I want you all to know, that even when I can't say it, or even feel it, I still want the best for all of you. Take care everyone! :)
Hi Jazzy,
Glad that you're heading in a direction that feels right for you at the moment, and sending you a hug :hug: I felt the kindness in what you said here, and I also want the best for you!
You take care too.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope!
I managed to get some shopping and laundry done today. I'm glad that's over. "Now I'm safe for another week." Hopefully one day I can stop feeling like that and just have a normal routine. Not feeling great though, I just want to hide in bed.
There was a lot that you felt and processed at the funeral. Feeling like you want to hide in bed makes sense. Be kind to yourself.
Hi Jazzy, I think you did really well at the funeral, and I am glad the feelings you experienced felt like healthy ones. It's such a difference to the ones we really can get stuck in. It may take you some time to recover from the funeral, it's a lot to take in and process, so wanting to hide and avoid other things makes sense to me. You likely need some rest and some down time just to get back on your feet, and that's normal and okay. I hope you can give yourself that and not be hard on yourself for needing it. You're only human after all :)
Thank you notalone and owl. You two are great! It really is a lot to deal with.
Today, I just tried to relax and take care of myself after such a hectic weekend, and really, most of the month. I guess it went well, time seemed to go by fast today. Its still a bit early, but I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.
Its nice to see some new people here recently. You know how it is, I wish they didn't have a reason to be here, but am glad they found us on their healing journey. I hope I can be helpful, even to those who I don't hear from again. I remember when I was new here, it was difficult, but there are great people here who have really helped me. I guess the point is that I'm feeling a lot more empathy tonight, so that's a good sign.
Since last night I've been thinking about IFS. It seems like it has helped a lot of people, and I see a lot of positive comments about it here. I wish it could help me too, but it scares me. It feels so much like DID, which I have struggled with in the past. I know there is a difference, but sometimes it doesn't seem very far off. I don't really like IFS, probably because it scares me. I also don't like that I don't like it, because it seems to be helpful for most. So, its something I've been thinking about, that I want to work through, but I think it might take quite a while. I'd appreciate any suggestions.
Feeling pretty withdrawn today. It was better earlier in the day, but not so great now.
EDIT: Maybe I'm just tired, it took a while for me to fall asleep last night, and my cat woke me up early this morning.
Jazzy, I felt scared about IFS also. When Snowdrop first began sharing her journey, I wanted to support her, but I couldn't even read her posts. It was quite awhile before I could skim what she had written, and then later was able to read her experiences. I eventually ordered and read the book. There are parts of the book that I marked that I either did not agree with or found "dangerous." My current therapist is trained in IFS. I think he uses IFS as a tool and if something about me doesn't fit with IFS, he hears me. I have found many things about IFS helpful. There are still things that I don't agree with or that scare me. This reply ended up being rather lengthy, but I wanted to let you know that I get being scared about IFS.
Hi Jazzy, it makes sense that IFS feels scary. When I first came across the website that explained it, it both scared me and intrigued me. Part of what the founder of this method talks about is how pathologized the idea of multiplicity is in our culture, and most people are scared by the idea of it. I had actually forgotten that I was scared by it at first as well. It took a long time for me to get used to the concept and that there's nothing unusual or strange about it. We do have the expression "a part of me feels ...", and everyone has said it at some point. I wouldn't push yourself into this, if it feels scary, then that's ok, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. For myself I kind of went back and forth on reading about it depending on how comfortable I felt. I did find it took a while for me to feel comfortable with the idea of it and the concept of it. If it feels like too much, you can leave it be. Your healing is yours and I think we all need to figure out for ourselves what works best for us. :hug:
Thank you for sharing notalone and owl. I guess its not so uncommon to feel scared about it. Now that I think about it, a lot of the healing journey is frightening, or at least anxiety provoking. Maybe one day I can find an IFS trained therapist and talk to them, I'm sure that would help.
Today was pretty good, I got some things accomplished (including a long overdue shower), but also took some time for myself. I also spent a couple of hours playing games with my sister and her husband, so that was nice.
Afterwards, I developed a headache though, it has been bothering me since dinner time. My anxiety is a bit high too; I have this feeling of deja vu. I don't feel very safe right now. I haven't finished going through all the posts here from this weekend, but it is getting late, and for reasons above, I need to go to bed.
Hi Jazzy,
Hope you slept ok last night. Sounds like you had a lot on yesterday. Sending you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks Hope, but unfortunately I didn't sleep very well. I thought I could sleep off my headache, but it just got worse until it was waking me up with pain. I also woke up from nightmares 3 or 4 times. I'm not too sure why I'm so stressed out right now, but something is obviously bothering me... maybe just the last month or so catching up to me. I did sleep for a while during the day today, so I did get some rest. Hopefully it doesn't cause my sleeping to go off schedule, but I'm getting tired again, so I think it will be okay.
I've been having a lot of skin problems lately, and I wonder if it is a side effect from the medication I take. I really hope not, as I am doing much better on this medication than I have in years. My brother in law has pointed out to me a few times that since I started taking it, I'm now doing better than I ever been since he met me. So, I really don't want to stop taking it. Anyway, it is just a guess, I'll have to talk to my doctor about what is going on with my skin. Its difficult, because its not something that I can easily test in a few days. It will take some time for it to clear up, then I will have to wait a while to see if it comes back again.
So, I sat down to watch a show this evening before bed, and it really hit me how stressed I still am all the time. Its not at a panic level, but I still can't just relax and enjoy whatever I'm doing. I'm usually either super focused on something and really intense, or bored and not wanting anything to do with whatever it is. I really wish I could just relax and enjoy something, instead of always being at one of these two extremes.
It could easily be the impact of the last month or so. You've been through a stressful, emotional time, and I find it can take me quite a while to settle down after things like that. :hug:
Thanks Snowdrop, I'm sure everything going on recently has made it worse. It has been a problem for me for a long time though. Originally, my psychiatrist said I had bipolar disorder... which very well may be true. I kind of love the manic times though (last time I only slept twice in an entire week, it was so great to just be awake). Anyway, its usually not that extreme, but still disruptive.
Its something that I wish was better for years now, but I've never said anything. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just afraid of change. There was an interesting post here earlier about parts of us not wanting to get better... and that is true for me. A big part of me doesn't want to get much better. It's just all so much, and I don't feel I'm ready for it. Probably bad memories of how hard I pushed myself before I broke down. I would literally black out, among other things, and I don't want to go back to that. I don't think I can survive it again.
I guess its okay, there's no real pressure on me, except that the river of time only flows one direction... which has been bothering me more and more lately. I don't know, I'm mostly okay, in my house, alone, when I can stay here, but going outside is still very difficult. I guess my agoraphobia isn't much better. I'm really not too sure what to do at this point.
Ugh, I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like I'm sliding down a hole. It's only been a few days, but my sleeping has been bad, I've been eating more than I want, I've had trouble focusing, and even more trouble connecting with others.
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself tomorrow, except I have to go shopping, which I always hate.
Hopefully I can get some better sleep tonight.
I appreciate you sharing Jazzy. What you said resonated with things I've experienced. I find it so unsettling when I start to feel off and can't really find a reason why. It's also tough when sleep isn't going well. Best wishes with going shopping - I am not a fan of shopping at all. I was trying to reflect on what gets me through times like this - for me it is mostly reading and journaling. It is difficult for me to be more outward to connect with others. I'm glad for this site to be able to share and read how others are managing the things I am trying to deal with too. I appreciate you and hope you found some rest!
Hi Jazzy,
I hope that you were able to get some more restful sleep. :hug:
Hope :)
I hope you're feeling better, Jazzy, and sleeping well. :hug:
Thank you for the kind words.
I'm sorry that I disappeared again. Its a problem I have. I can't focus, or stick with the same thing for a long time. I can't keep doing the same activities, talking to the same people etc. I don't really know why. It is very frustrating. I don't understand how people can go through their lives, doing the same thing month after month, year after year. It sounds great... it sounds very stable. I just haven't been able to do so myself for some reason, and I am very sorry to all the people (here and elsewhere), that I continuously leave behind.
I've been doing well for the last month or so. I still get bored and lonely, and life seems completely pointless, but despite this, I have been feeling so much better than normal. I'm more relaxed, and expressive, and have a song in my head a lot of the time. I've been enjoying things a lot more too, such as food, music, and television. Not to say everything is fine now, but its certainly a period where I am better than I usually am, and I truly appreciate that.
I've been thinking a lot, and I want to write about the psychological/religious abuse I went through as a child. Its still something I don't feel I can be open about, and I don't think I've really processed it all yet. I need help with it still. At least, I need to find some way to come to terms with it all and move past it. Its just so bad. It is more like a horror story. The great thing about the horror story, is that you always know in the back of your mind that its just a story, and you're actually perfectly safe... but this is not a story though, its real life for me.
I don't think I can write about it, right now though. Probably soon though.
Hi Jazzy,
Welcome back. :hug:
Hope :)
Good to hear from you, Jazzy. :hug:
Hi Hope and Snowdrop, it is great to hear from you. I hope you've been well. Thank you for the hugs! :hug:
I think I'm headed back downhill somewhat. This morning was really rough. I don't remember having any nightmares, but when I woke up I felt so physically exhausted, and my eyes ached like I hadn't slept at all. I got up to feed my cats and use the bathroom, but I still felt bad, so I went back to bed. Its hard to force yourself to stay awake when your eyes constantly hurt.
Its also feels really difficult to deal with people. Even something as simple as getting a call from the pharmacy today, it just feels like such a chore to talk to anyone.
But, with that said, I did really enjoy (both cooking and eating) dinner, and I'm doing alright listening to music with one of my cats right now, so that's good.
I've been thinking more about what I want to write, but its all still kind of whirling around in my mind right now, and I'm not sure how to get it in order.
Today, I've been thinking, wondering about how much I've really been able to change myself over the years, and what kind of change is possible.
Its left me with a lot of mixed feelings. For example, I can never remember sleeping properly... so I don't know if I will ever be able to learn to do so. There are some good personality traits I've had since I was a child though, despite everything that happened, so maybe I can revive and strengthen those.
I think a big part of the problem is that I don't seem to be able to control and stabilize my emotional state though, especially over a period of time. I guess that goes for all of us here, but its just so frustrating.
I've also really been longing for someone to help guide me through life. An old therapist of mine said I want a new mother, but I am too old now. I wish I could handle it myself, but I don't seem to be able to. Is it really so strange though? Doesn't everybody need somebody? I don't know, maybe that means in a different way.
I'm having a really hard time seeing things clearly. Everything I think about seems to distort when I think about it a certain way, then it changes again. Its very confusing.