Out of the Storm

Today I started Complex PTSD: Surviving and Thriving in audio form.  I listened to the introduction and first chapter.  The experience was one of relief mixed with grief. 

I've been putting a lot of labels on my experiences that seemed to be symptoms of Complex PTSD.  I feel overwhelmed because  it feels like I take one step forward and ten steps back.  Healing doesn't seem to follow any rules or sequences.  It seems that I need to take those single steps so that I can be ready to take the next ones.

I was hesitant to listen to this book as an audio book.  I love reading and wanted a paper copy.  But I am going to persist with the audio version as I think I was engaged differently.  It helped me stop looking at my phone and being distracted.  I think when I read I try to incorporate every sentence I read into my experience immediately. 

I am glad to be learning about CPTSD and look forward to the journey.

Today I listened to chapters two and three of the book.  The whole time memories and EFs came up and I would pause to record those. 

I appreciate the information in the book and the details resonated with me.  It is a lot to unpack so I ordered a physical copy of the book as well as The Body Keeps the Score and plan to refer back. 

What resonated today was how emotions can be seen on a continuum from a more negative experience to a more positive one and how we are often expected to focus on the positive and deny the negative. 

I found it harder to focus today on the book.  Because it is waking up and stirring up my past, I noticed myself avoiding to cope.  My shoulder also started bothering me - I now associate the shoulder discomfort with my inner child.   

Unrelated to the book, my H and I had a large number of positive interactions today including one conversation about his family (which is a tremendously triggering topic for me).  I believe that my H is a fellow survivor of childhood abuse and neglect.  He does not see that and I am not sure he will.  But I have noticed that by focusing on my own healing and adjusting to healthier behaviors it is helping our relationship. 

I am going to take a break from reading this book over the weekend.  I am training for an ultramarathon and weekends tend to focus on running and rest. 

Hi rainydiary, glad to see you've started your journal here too :) Sounds like you're ready to tackle this thing called CPTSD. You're right that focusing on yourself and your own healing does help in a relationship. Your husband may not be ready to face things. It's hard when we are ahead of those closest to us and they can't see things yet that we're learning and discovering. We are all on our own journeys in the end, but it's nice when those we love can walk alongside us for parts of it.

I am not feeling very well physically, emotionally, or mentally today.  While identifying CPTSD as a part of my experience is helpful it is also overwhelming. 

As the world and my country are going through difficult experiences, I hope we will come out on the other side better.  Yet, all I take away from each conversation is the loud inner critic that screams at me that I am not good enough and haven't ever done enough.  My toxic shame is overpowering me.  I struggle with the process of learning and growing because I was punished growing up for not "knowing better."  I am also a quiet person by nature and do best when I have a lot of down time and me time.  This need was criticized by my parents as I grew up and has not been accepted in adulthood.

I have been pushing myself physically, emotionally and mentally.  Even though I am doing things that are technically nurturing for myself, it isn't working right now.  I feel like I have no place to feel the way I do because on the outside my life has been good and I have opportunities not available to all.  Does it still apply to be good to myself first and then others? 

I have always wanted to live a quiet life with limited contact with others.  I've resisted that desire and push myself to behave in ways that seem more acceptable to others.  It is catching up with me today. 

We need to be good to ourselves first to be able to be good to others. Otherwise we burn ourselves out, and we can't be there for others at all when that happens. It's okay to take care of you and what you need. In fact, it's a necessity. I hope you can be kind to yourself today and get some rest.

Thank you for the words of encouragement Owl.  I noticed that you posted about discouragement on another page and that resonated with me today.  I had an argument with my husband and in reflection I realize that he triggered me which is why I responded with fight.  But also he and I have had many difficult experiences and part of me doesn't trust that we will move forward in a different way so I worry my reaction was also sabotage.

I listened to more of Pete Walker's book today and cried.  I don't remember specifically what part or what brought the tears but they came.  I appreciate that recovery is not linear and will likely be a lifelong process.  But it makes me so sad and tired. 

Today it occurred to me that some of my professional difficulties relate to being triggered and being stuck in EFs.  I hope to explore this understanding.  I had an idea to disclose this to someone at work but am not sure I can trust her based on past conversations.  Perhaps she can still help me without me sharing why I am asking. 

The world feels heavy today. 

Sorry to hear you're having a rough day rainydiary. The healing journey can feel overwhelming sometimes, and slowing down may be a good idea when that happens. It takes time to work through and process everything. Also, its okay to take time for yourself. Some people are more introverted, and that's fine. I hope you feel better soon. All the best! :)

I slept poorly last night for reasons I don't fully grasp.  I've been training for an ultramarathon and my body would not cool down - I think I overworked myself a bit.  I also was in a place where it felt like I wasn't asleep but I think I was somewhat.

I might have been worried about a doctor visit I had planned for today.   It was a wellness visit and went well despite the prodding and probing that is part of it.  I appreciated that my physician appeared trauma informed and asked preferences and was willing to describe what she was doing.

As I've been on my journey of learning about trauma, I have started seeing my students in a new way.  I work with high school students with disabilities and most of them have brains that work very different than mine.  I have been learning to set aside my own perspective and agenda to try to give them the chance to voice their experience.  Many of them aren't able to do that well yet given their age as well as the high probability that other adults don't help them learn this.  I have also wondered how many of them are coming from a place of trauma too.  Being told that you need to do and be something your brain doesn't do must be traumatic.

I am in a Facebook group for other professionals with my position and a colleague asked a question about how to support student motivation.  One person responded, making liberal use of all caps, how they are bluntly honest and tell students their deficits and "hey, that's just how I am."  Other people piled on how we can't sugarcoat for kids and they need to learn because the adult world is rough.  The points they make aren't exactly untrue but I was angered by their tone.  I hope they are kinder to students in person but I doubt it.  If I was their student, I would feel terrible about myself especially if what they expect wasn't within my ability to do.

I was going to ignore what they said but decided to post a response being as direct as I dared to be.  I wasn't as "blunt" as they like to be, but tried to give a different perspective.  I don't know if anyone will notice.  I worry someone will start an argument with me.  However, as I read today from Haenim Sunim:

"Though I am lacking in many ways, I want to be a person who can bring some small comfort to people, who can give them courage, like a ray of warm sunshine."

I am realizing the extent to which I experience EFs at work.  Given the nature of my work, I have many opportunities to observe parent child interactions.  I also work closely with the parents and other educators.  I have always noticed strong reactions when parents are tough or critical of their children. Now I am also realizing that when parents or other adults speak to me in certain ways, it triggers an EF.

I previously associated these EFs with being an introvert and needing more time to process.  That may be part of it, but I think the truth is that my flight-freeze response takes over and I am left feeling like the little kid that was punished for daring to have an opinion and speak up. 

I hope to process this a little more before returning to work in August.  It has made work unbearable at times.  Now that I understand why, I hope I can take steps to address it. 

That's great that you've had such a realization. I hope you can work through it when you return to work.

Quote from: rainydiary on June 10, 2020, 01:31:18 AM
I was going to ignore what they said but decided to post a response being as direct as I dared to be.  I wasn't as "blunt" as they like to be, but tried to give a different perspective.  I don't know if anyone will notice.  I worry someone will start an argument with me. 

:applause: Good for you for voicing your thoughts. I hope that it does cause some people to think about dealing with their students in a kinder fashion.

If someone does start an argument with you, you have the option to not engage/respond, if you want.

These are some huge insights. This will help you work on these triggers. It makes total sense to me, I think I have a similar trigger.

Yes, great insights!  :applause:

Today started off rough with an EF.  I haven't had one in a while so it felt really big.  Right now my chest feels like it was broken open.  It does feel like a broken heart when I grieve.

The books Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, The Body Keeps the Score, and Love for Imperfect Things have been the most meaningful reads of 2020 for me.  I've started randomly opening up to a part of each book to reread.  Today the three parts really connected - reminders about: how my experiences with early attachment etched in my brain a set of expectations that I relive over and over, that I experience abandonment depression (as Pete calls it), and that often resisting something makes it worse than it really is.

I was able to see earlier this week how triggering parents I encounter in my work are and today started to acknowledge that my in-laws also trigger me deeply.  Today I began to acknowledge that I often felt unloved as a child.  I think I denied this because my parents would say what they do is out of love and as an adult I can use my perspective taking skills to understand that they learned unhealthy behaviors from their parents.  Yet, the little girl in me that hurts and was unloved and not accepted does not need to rationalize why her parents acted so poorly. 

I think I will feel sore the rest of the day as my wounds heal. 

I had an enjoyable day with a lot of "me" time.  Then as evening approached, I hit a wall.  I received a series of emails from some list serves that made me so exhausted.  There is so much fear in the world.  I already have a ton of fear inside.  I'm feeling angry at how fear is used to call people to certain actions to serve the purpose of a group.  It shuts me down. 

I think you're right, there's a lot of fear about right now. Anger too. I'm sorry you hit a wall after having such an enjoyable day. I hope you feel better today. Sending you a hug of support if that feels welcome. :hug:

Today I noticed myself begin to experience an EF.  It began with a remembrance of a difficult event in November of last year that I didn't really cope with at the time.  I referred to Pete Walker's list of managing EFs and began working my way through both dealing with some of what I couldn't deal with in November.  I was also struck by one of the items on Pete's list of considering where the EF was taking me back to.  I was going back to being a 6 year old, on the verge of moving to a new place, crying alone with no comfort as my brain realized I would never see my friend again and had no idea or understanding what was coming as my family moved.  I think my brain has more associations too that I don't have memory of as I know my family moved frequently when I was a toddler given my parents' employment status.  I was able to grieve some today and work through the EF.  I have more work to do but appreciate having Pete's book as a guide. 

A lot has been coming up for me recently and I feel so exhausted.  I am exhausted by myself and other people.  I am exhausted by revisiting my past.  I had taken a break from being as active in my recovery to deal with work. I felt ready to take more steps on my journey and now just feel fatigued.  I am especially focusing on my inner and outer critic (I even gave them names so I could dialogue with them).  I am realizing how much tension I carry in my body given my hypervigilance.  That is also exhausting.  I've also been really bothered by memories of events with my in-laws.  I often just want to leave it all behind and start fresh. 

I've been grieving for my younger self in her decision of where to go to college and what to do after college.  I am grieving because I ended up choosing paths that weren't what I really wanted and were "guided" by what I thought would gain my parents' approval.  I am grieving that I didn't see what they were doing and I am sad for being pushed into things when their approval could not be earned.  I am grieving for ignoring dreams I had simply because they put poison into those ideas.

I want to be believe that my life could have been different if I had learned to listen to myself sooner.  I understand that I would still have had pain and difficulty to overcome.  I don't understand why things have gone the way they have and it hurts. 

My H and I will be going camping tomorrow for the weekend.  I realize that I am extremely anxious about leaving home for several days.  I don't really like leaving my house for overnight trips.  I become anxious about all the things that could go wrong.  In general right now I am extremely anxious something bad will happen.

I've been upset by interactions with a coworker.  As I was reflecting I realized that things this person did made me angry.  Yet my response to that anger was to push it down and not name it as anger.  I realized that I don't really know how to feel angry.  I looked up "how to feel angry" and found a blog post that got me started.  I think the part that is hardest for me is that I can't go back and change my original response. I can move forward and practice.  But right now that doesn't feel like enough.

Overall today I felt incredibly alone.  I have a job that brings me meaning but COVID is changing everything and my inner critic is telling me I won't be able to handle what comes my way.  I've been doing my best to experience and feel as things come up instead of pushing them away or down like I usually do.  But as a result I feel run down each day. 

QuoteAs I was reflecting I realized that things this person did made me angry.  Yet my response to that anger was to push it down and not name it as anger.  I realized that I don't really know how to feel angry.

I was like this too. I wasn't allowed to be angry when I was growing up, so I learned to push it down. Unfortunately this meant that the anger became directed inwards at me. You're definitely not alone with this.

I woke up today with a huge sense of anxiety.  I was having terrible dreams that I don't remember.  My H and I will be leaving home overnight to go camping.  All I can think about is how something terrible might happen.  There has always been a risk in leaving home which feels greater now during the pandemic.  I don't understand what this hypervigilance is about - feeling a sense of dread when leaving home for an overnight trip predates the pandemic but it feels so much worse right now.  All the worst moments of my life are coming back to me.  I tell myself that I "saw" those moments coming because I always had "feelings."  I now understand I've been hypervigilant and thus because I am always on the alert for something bad to happen when it does my brain thinks "I was right." 

I tried telling my H about my anxiety but he doesn't really get it.  This trip is about him feeling bored at home - I am fine with staying here.  Also struggling with how I show up in my marriage - my H has his own stuff and we have often related to each other in unhealthy ways.  I think we have made a lot of growth but still have a ways to go.  My experience is that we only do things he is comfortable with since I don't have a strong identity.  But then I experience a lot of pain when I continue the pattern of doing things I don't want to do to keep the "peace."  Where is the line between doing things to experience life and doing things for other people?

We are traveling to a place that usually brings me great comfort.  I hope that once we are on the road that I will be able to enjoy. 

It is difficult that this trip is causing you so much anxiety. I hope once you are there your anxiety decreases and you are able to enjoy your time. Regardless, we will be here to listen if you want to process when you return (or during if you have internet access).

Thank you Notalone for the supportive message.

The trip went well and my anxiety was not really necessary.  I am not entirely sure where this anxiety before trips is coming from - it may have many sources and as I get older and know of more tough things that can happen, perhaps I feel more of a sense of dread.  I will say that last night my H and I witnessed a huge train of emergency response vehicles congregating near a river - I can only speculate what happened but it did  fill me with grief.  Someone or some people had a terrible day and I hope that they make it through ok.

On my trip (camping) I was able to observe many families given the proximity of the camp sites.  Many children had meltdowns and I was struck by how responsive their parents were.  If that had been me growing up there would have been a much different, unhelpful response from my parents.  I suppose as I reparent I can consider the models of families I see. 

I had my own adult meltdowns while camping.  My H and I have come a long way together but he has a tendency to use his OC and a tone of voice (that I know he learned from his family) when he is under pressure/frustrated that really sends me into my 4Fs.  I didn't manage all of those moments as well as I had hoped I would, so my IC jumped in a bit.  I would say the change now is that I more likely to tell my H when I am upset by our interactions and we are able to dialogue more about it.  I also see that he is trying really hard and has his own longstanding habits. 

Today I had a moment I feel especially rotten about.  My H and I had a mishap in a drive thru and got some dirty stares from other people as we went away.  I was struck with how tough we can be on each other when we don't have the full story - the outer critic is out there in everyone at least a bit.  Then not too long after, my H and I were taking a break in a garden and I overheard this father instructing his children.  His tone and the words he was using rubbed me the wrong way and I see now put me in a mini EF.  I made a comment out loud to my H that I thought the father was being a jerk.  I am worried the father might have overheard me and given my negative experiences with people jumping to conclusions earlier in the day, I felt bad this happened.  My OC comes out a lot when I am tired and uncomfortable as I was after a weekend of mostly positive but still out of routine experiences. 

I am more aware which feels good and bad.  I don't always catch my EFs and I worry my IC is really acting up because I am on to it. 

After visiting a beloved place over the weekend, I am struck by how different the world feels.  There are changes because of the pandemic as well as changes within me.  I feel a sense of grief for what feels lost.  Change is always present but so much has changed so fast it feels like too much right now. 

Yesterday I sent my father a message for Father's Day.  His past behavior still hurts me to this day.  In a response back to me he said he is proud of the human I am.  I am learning to accept compliments but it is hard to accept his.  With an adult mind, I can see how abusive and neglectful behaviors were passed down in my family.  My particular branch of family are the ones who made different decisions from the rest of their family - left hometowns, began careers very different from their relatives.  I have always been proud of that aspect of us.  But there is a generational hurt passed along because we lacked the ability to manage the trauma that resulted from poor parenting that resulted from hurt people.  I have really been struggling with the word family and what it means.  I think the idea of family of origin and family of choice are concepts that resonate with me.  I prefer to be on my own or with a trusted other person, so the concept of family in general just makes me feel like I am odd and an abnormality - I just want to do my own thing. 

As today has gone on, I've been feeling more unwell physically.  I think I may have caught a cold while camping.  No other symptoms, feels like a cold.  Part of me is really mad at myself for going - I didn't want to and went anyways putting myself at risk during a pandemic.  Darker emotions are creeping up and I realize I might going into an EF.   

My H wants to do more camping.  We already have two more trips planned.  I told him I'm not doing more than what we already talked about which he is honoring.  He is always hesitant to do things without me which is how I've often been talked into doing things I wouldn't care to do.  Right now all the nasty thoughts I have about my H and by extension his family are coming up.  I have made strides to grow and it annoys me that he won't do the same.  When we lived in his hometown he always did his own thing and I was left alone.  I hated living there because his family lacks boundaries and it felt like my H was just continuing his life with his friends and family with me as nothing more than a roommate. 

It seems that I would not be where I am and achieved the growth I have if I had not met my H.  Yet sometimes I am so frustrated at myself for having found a partner with their own unhealthy patterns.  I see him growing and trying but it is all so complicated.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't get bored in the same way he does.  We had just been getting a better place of managing this when the pandemic hit and has made the ways we can meet our individual needs more challenging. 

I will say that he isn't trying to talk to me into going like he would have in the past.  I think that what is hard is this wakes my old self of wanting to please everyone else without regard for my needs.  I don't want to feel responsible for another adult the way I often do with my H.  If I knew the things I know now 10 years I would have made very different choices.  That also makes me sad.  We have to make a choice which excludes other paths. 

Really stuck in my head today about work.  My IC is both criticizing me for thinking about work (I'm off for the summer as I work in a school) and for not being able to handle some situations better. 

I generally don't feel heard or treated with respect at my job.  I do have a few people that hear me out and that I trust.  Yet, these people generally aren't ones that I interact with for the ins and outs of my job.  I have tried to speak up and have felt shot down. 

In working with students, I am able to be my best self and be understanding of them.  Yet I am not able to extend that same understanding to adults.  I believe I need to get better at having difficult conversations with the adults in my students' lives.  I don't really understand where my road block is with that.  Is it because they remind me of my parents and how I was powerless against them?  Is it because my OC rules when I am at work?  I don't know. 

I am debating how to have a conversation with someone in leadership.  She previously has heard me out but hasn't been too helpful from my perspective.  I think that before I wasn't very clear with her on what I needed.  I have more insight into what I need but also feel like I would disclose some personal things to her.  I don't know it would go and since it is a work relationship I feel hesitant to be too open. 

Last night I cried a great deal before bed.  The book I am reading included a moment where the main character had a truth about them self sprung on them suddenly.  It was a truth that they had a feeling about for a long time but couldn't name until that moment.  This resonated so deeply with me.  I recognized some of the big events in my childhood as traumatic...but I didn't see the underlying abuse and neglect.  I am sad at how my brain has been crafted in response to this trauma.  I am working on it, but have a long ways to go. 

Just want you to know that I've read your journal and you are heard.

Thank you Notalone!

Today I am reflecting on how tangled up my brain is.  Can I trust my own reactions or impressions of experience?  Or is the trauma speaking? 

I am wanting to assert myself more and use my voice more and be heard more.  I'm reflecting that this isn't so I will always get my way and things will always be easy for me but so that I can have a real conversation with others so that we can come to a consensus. 

I do feel confident in saying no if that is really my stance.  But there is so much gray area.  Minds change.  Hearts change.  Context and circumstances change.  I am so afraid of continuing to be drowned out, steam rolled, and not heard.  I am sad to say this but I know from this place of silence that I can withstand.  I have been strong for a long time.  Speaking up is a different kind of strength I'm afraid I won't develop. 

Trying to sort out an experience I had over the last 24 hours or so.  I had an interaction yesterday where I tried to assert myself and ended up "giving in" to the other person.  In the moment, of giving in I had tried to take the other person's perspective and decided that I could live with what they were asking for one day.  But as the day went on, I started to feel manipulated.  After I had asserted my boundary, the other person placed guilt on me.  I began to wonder if I "gave in" because I was trying to be a good member of the relationship or because I let guilt in. 

After that time my IC and OC have been in overdrive.  I ran 10 miles this morning and spent the whole time in a place of that I wanted to call rage as my critics argued.  All morning and most of the afternoon I could not shake my feelings.  I have learned in these moments to do yoga (specifically Yoga with Adrienne).  During her class, I finally said "I am angry" and slammed my hands on the ground and kicked my feet.  It felt like a tantrum but I would say that my anger response was probably shut down around the age that tantrums were normal.

After that moment, I realized that I had not consciously acknowledged my anger at both myself as well as this other person.  I went into a habitual mode of pushing my anger down.  By doing so, I think I triggered an EF which I am just now coming out of.

Learning to be human in a different way is so painful.  I question myself and want progress yesterday.  I am discouraged to have this brain and to feel like this journey won't end.  I am hard on myself because in many situations I am not seeing what is happening until after the fact.  I think the current growth is that the gap between these events is starting to get smaller.  I have small moments of success.  This will be a long gradual process that will always be a work in progress. 

Today I am really struggling with how long it took me to both realize that I had been abused and then to name it as such.  Emotional and psychological abuse were the fabric of my upbringing - how would I have known any better?  I am grieving for how I have behaved for so many years given these wounds I didn't realize I had.  I am trying to appreciate where I am now but the road that led me here still gives me so much pain. 

 :hug: I feel you, rainydiary. I think most of us have this feeling that comes up every other time. I wish I could say something better, but just know that although your past that brought you here you were alone, now you can track the road with support and people.  :hug:

Quote from: rainydiary on June 28, 2020, 09:04:32 PM
I am grieving for how I have behaved for so many years given these wounds I didn't realize I had.  I am trying to appreciate where I am now but the road that led me here still gives me so much pain.

Hi, rainydiary,

I'm sorry that you're grieving and in so much pain. :hug:

I can really relate to what you expressed

Thanks Marta & Saylor for your words - in many ways I am at a loss for words over my experience.

Today I am reflecting on the decisions I have made with my traumatized brain.  Sometimes I wonder if I consciously chose something or if my choices reflected the need to re-enact past traumas and "finally get them right." 

Growing up I did not have a lot of choice in my life.  I grew up without much of an identity.  Things I publicly identified with were chosen for me by my parents.  As an adult, I feel like what I thought was my identity has shifted a great deal over time as it was really dependent on context.  When I met my husband, the main thing I had that was my own was yoga.  I pretty quickly took on his hobbies and habits (I still hung out with my friends) because they were different than mine and I wanted him to like me. 

Fast forward to now and I wish I hadn't done that.  I didn't do it for the right reasons and now I am in a position of forcing myself to do things I don't want to do like I have my whole life.  The things aren't horrid - we are talking about camping and bicycling and hiking.  I don't mind them in moderation...but we are preparing for our 3rd camping trip in 2 weeks and I am beat.  I am training for a long run and it is taking a lot out of my body.  It is also hard to leave my cat. 

This has its roots in a moment I distinctly recall from childhood.  I was in our home reading - I love to be inside and to read.  I don't remember exactly how old I was but it was somewhere in the 2nd to 3rd grade range.  I remember my parents approaching me and insisting I go outside.  The implication was that I was going to grow up as a hermit - and I now see how ironic it is in that they didn't model for me any healthy leisure behavior so I have no idea what they thought would come of it.  The message I also received is that the way I am is wrong and that my preference for being quiet and reading and indoors is not acceptable.  Growing up this was also accompanied by a lot of emotional/psychological abuse. 

I continue to feel this way as an adult.  I don't feel accepted for the person I am.  I would say I feel supported by my husband but given his own family dynamics and issues (enmeshment and PD parents) I sometimes wonder if he had healthier relationship skills if we would have even made it very far - he is used to dysfunction.  The enmeshment he grew up with is really telling right now - he doesn't know how to get what he needs and he doesn't know what he needs so we get into these weird struggles where I have learned to be ready to drop everything to do what he wants.  It has gotten better over time, especially if we aren't around his family.  But I also haven't officially or effectively stood up to it in some instances.  He often asks my opinion on something and then warps what I say into what he wants (such as if I say I want to go out to Pho for dinner, he will say he doesn't want that and we will go where he wants).  I'm left not wanting to offer my opinion because our decade together has taught me that it is his way or no way in small things like where we go to dinner as well as big things like where we live.

I have spent much of this year trying to extract myself from this dynamic by focusing on what I need and what I want.  Quarantine life does make it more complicated.  I am getting better at knowing what I want and need and am starting to say it more.  I am now at the place where I want to assert myself more to my husband and be strong enough to not cave when he deploys his codependency and guilt on me.  I am encouraged because I have started doing this somewhat and he has responded well to it.  I can tell he is trying.  I am afraid that I will outgrow this relationship.  It is difficult to watch someone stay in the FOG.  I try to be supportive but this is definitely a take care of myself first situation.

I have committed to giving my current life more time.  COVID makes it challenging to make other plans anyways.  I am working to further identify what I want moving forward. 

Every day feels different - today I am deeply exhausted.  I am not using some of my usual coping tools (mostly mindlessly watching TV).  In some ways it is helping me face what I have been avoiding for a long. Yet I also wonder if I am pushing myself too hard.  I am questioning if I have self care skills as things I previously thought were self care just seem like ways to avoid.  I would say yoga has become more effective for self care.  I feel like I am building my adult self for the first time. 

I have had difficult dreams the past two nights.  Last night I dreamt about a friend that has been really helpful to me on my journey.  I can say anything to her and she accepts and understands and validates.  I haven't seen her or heard much from her since March.  Realizing I feel abandoned by her.  She has her own journey and needs right now and so I am not upset.  I just hope that we can reconnect soon.

I am realizing a general sense that I wish I felt safe. 

Next week I am planning to speak to a colleague at work about being trauma survivor.  I am worried about how exactly to phrase things.  Work is such a different context and there are so many ridiculous, unwritten rules we follow.  I think it is important for me to share a version of my story.  I work with high schoolers and so much focus is given to student mental health...while we as adults are supposed to pretend like we have it all together.  I personally think that kids realize this and it is messed up.  They need guides and models - not the message that is stuff you push aside and deal with "on your own time." 

It feels important for me to share because I realize how often I am triggered at work given the relational nature of CPTSD.  I can't avoid other people.  There are certain situations where I am more likely to be triggered yet it can also just be someone's tone of voice, a facial expression, or a body posture and I am in it.  It really sucks.  I believe the work I do is important but I also can't take being so exhausted all the time. 

That is why I want to share some of my story with select people.  Perhaps they can help.  I have trouble trusting others and hope that this person does not disappoint me.  But my current way of trying to take the world on my own isn't working either.  I have more information than I did before.  I want to feel respected at work, not run over like I do now.  Depending on the response I get, it will help me know if my current situation is one I want to keep working in. 

Mostly I feel shame at my trauma.  I don't have words to express how crappy it is to have such an unnurturing upbringing.  But I have struggled for so many years and did not understand why.  I don't want to keep holding back and trying to hold myself together by holding my body so tight and keeping my words to myself.  I'm tired of people walking all over me at work and I'm tired of taking it. 

I did this at the very end of my last job, but in my case, I hadn't planned to do it. It came up spontaneously in conversation (but at least it was with someone I really trust). Afterwards, I started to worry about maybe having said too much, e.g., possibly burdening my coworker with TMI (or maybe I was just being paranoid—? I guess I'll never know...)

I can understand the desire to do this, though. It's terrible to have to hold everything inside all the time, and I also found the work environment to be very triggering (worsened by having to spend most waking hours there). It's like, the place where you're most likely to need support is the place where you're most expected to hide your struggles. Argh!

Good luck, rainy, however you decide to proceed.

I appreciate you sharing Saylor.

Today I completed a meditation on an app where the meditation leader named an emotion and the task was for me to observe the reaction in my body to the named emotion.  I was already a little overwhelmed going into this.  For the more "negative" emotions I noticed reactions in my body.  For the "positive" emotions I had no reaction I could observe. 

It is taking me a lot of effort to actually feel the "negative" emotions because I was punished for doing so when growing up.  To cope, I numbed all emotions even good ones.  I have days where I feel good but at this point these days feel good simply because the negative feelings are absent.  I don't use words like "happy" or "excited" or "calm" to describe myself. 

I have a feelings wheel or chart available when I am journaling.  In the course of my work with students, I have been introduced to the concept of interoception.  It is basically the sense of internal states that are physical like hunger as well as emotional.  Many of the students I work with have different levels of proficiency with this sense, as do I.  I am hoping that as I focus on this more with students that I also learn for myself.  Yoga has been helpful for me in this area, but I find myself needing more information on how things feel in my body. 

This all has been so exhausting.  I feel so much shame at being an adult learning how to feel safe in the world and that I matter.  I am realizing the myriad of ways that I don't actually think or act like an adult because I get stuck in EFs.  I believe I am on a better path but it is going to be a long journey.

This evening a lot of emotion came up.  I am working so hard.  I wish others knew that and I wish it didn't feel like the world keeps knocking me down. 

I am so sorry Rainydiary that's you're feeling this way. I've felt the world knocking me down quite a bit, sometimes too much. I wish I could take your hand and guide you (if that's ok), but all I can say is that you're not alone. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I read all of your realizations that you've even making so far, and I see myself in them. Maybe that's why they're sometimes hard to read. But I want you to know that you're not alone in this. We all support you here, and are happy for the progress that you're making.

I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

Marta, I appreciate you sharing.  What others write about also resonates with me and it is both painful and instructive.  I appreciate that we have each other and can support one another.  I find myself much less hesitant to post in areas outside of this forum as it doesn't feel as safe. 

I have found it useful to have a list of feeling words available on my phone as well as in written form in areas where I journal or work.  I am not good at naming my feelings.  Today the word that seemed to resonate was "content."  I had time to do things I wanted to do today and that was nice.  I sent my mother a text to check in as she had shared the other day that one of her dogs is unwell.  I am usually hesitant to reach out because I can never tell how an interaction will go and if I can handle it.  Of course mom launches into asking me tons of questions that go straight to the core of all my issues.  I didn't react today but rather responded.  I realize that because she is hurting she is trying to cover that up and making things about me.  Does it ever occur to her that I don't want to talk about my terrible in-laws?  Does it ever occur to her that I don't tell her the whole truth of how things really are because I know she can't handle it and will turn it into somehow being my fault? 

I am glad that the interaction didn't fully derail my day.  As an adult I can see how my grandparents grew up in abusive homes and passed that on to my parents who in turn behaved abusively toward me and my siblings.  Our particular family line are of the ones who did different than their families - my grandparents left their abusive homes to make their own lives.  So each generation has been trying to leave the abuse behind.  I hope to be one that heals.  I do not plan to have children of my own but work with children and hope to pass my lessons on to them. 

In reflecting on the emotions that came up last night, I think they relate to what I am reading, learning, and all that is going on in the world.  I am rereading the Harry Potter series which I do every year.  I am struggling with this rereading for many reasons.  For one, the author's true colors are coming through and have truthfully been there all along.  I am working hard to examine my own biases and it is tough.  This work is in my nature to do but adding the layer of CPTSD in the mix is making it all more complicated.  Such that I now read CPTSD into the characters in the novels.  I am reading the third book and for some reason reading the dementor scenes where Harry flashes back to his worst moment have really gotten to me.  I thought the parts where the descriptions of Harry's abusive family would get me more but they weren't.  It is the dementors. 

Last night I began to visualize the dementors as CPTSD and how they trigger the IC.  The characters learn the patronus charm which I began to visualize as the ways we learn to manage the IC.  I decided to pick my own patronus (a phoenix which I call Luz) that I plan to call on to help when my IC gets loud again. 

I appreciate a calm day.  I work in public schools in the US and have no idea what things will look like for my job in the fall.  I do anticipate it will be so difficult especially since I work in special education.  Many of the families I work with were already on edge in May.  I am afraid I won't be able to handle their stuff as I continue to wade through my own.  But that is not something I need to focus on today. 

I often reread the Harry Potter books too. I love the idea of picking a patronus to help you fight off cptsd symptoms :applause:.

It sounds as though you're making good progress, Rainy.

Thanks Snowdrop - it feels like it comes and goes!  I recently saw a meme or visual on social media that referred to progress like a spiral where you cover the same ground.  The message was that you see something new when circling back but I think it could also mean that progress is painful because we do go over the same ground. 

Today has been really weird.  I have a meeting with someone tomorrow and I think the change in routine is stressing me out.  I also wrote some letters here on the site and doing so triggered a small EF - I kept waiting for something bad to happen even though I wrote them on a site not everyone has access to and didn't send them to the people I wrote to.  I worked through my EF and it didn't seem to derail my day like EFs can.

I mostly feel neutral today.  I pushed myself too hard to finish reading a book that will help with my job.  I am also starting to think ahead to work even though I have no idea what that will look like since the US is such a mess with COVID. 

I hope I can fall asleep tonight on time and have the courage to be brave in my meeting tomorrow. 

Today I spoke with my coworker about my trauma history.  She is a psychologist so I figured she would be receptive to what I was saying.  As our meeting approached, I noticed my OC acting up.  I was really afraid of talking to her - what if it didn't help?

It ended up being a good conversation.  My main goal was simply to share my story with the bonus goal of gaining an ally.  I would say both of those goals were achieved. 

I hope good comes from sharing.  I felt supported by her.  Ultimately I know that an ally can't do the hard things for me but I hope she can help in ways I can't see right now.

I am super exhausted after that conversation. 

Well done, Rainy. I'm so glad it went well and you felt supported.

That's awesome! Congrats rainy, that sounds like a huge step forward in the right direction!

Glad your conversation with your friend went well.

Thank you not alone, buddy, and Snowdrop. 

Mostly it feels good to be believed.  I have been physically drained since the conversation.  I think I have been holding a lot of tension in my body as that conversation neared.  I worry I will feel this drained once work starts again.  I will be trying so hard to manage my brain while also trying to do my job.   :stars:

I also found out that when work starts up again at the school I work at that we are planned to do school in person.  I don't know what to think about that.  I'm not sure it's safe.  I haven't heard what our schools plan is to keep us safe as adults.  I don't want to get attached to any worry or plan because things could change.  Working in a school is a complicated deal anyhow and this adds layers I don't know how to deal with right now.

One thing at a time - for now it is a countdown until I can go to bed. 

You did great to talk to your co-worker, I am glad that went well. I hope you get some much deserved rest tonight,  :thumbup:

It makes sense that you feel drained. It was a risk to talk to your friend.

Thank you Owl and Notalone, it took me a while to wind down last night but I did get some rest.

I've been reflecting on the phrase "trauma survivor."  It has made me feel a lot and I wasn't sure it was a phrase I could resonate with.  I still feel a great deal of shame about my trauma. 

But today I found myself becoming emotional during a haircut.  The stylist is a gentle person and she always asks for consent for things she does.  At first that really annoyed me about her but I now appreciate her doing that so much.  Today I especially felt how much she cares and I tried my best to accept her care.  Based on previous interactions with her I knew I could trust her with a version of my story and I used the phrase "trauma survivor" while sharing that I appreciate her care and approach. 

I now see that phrase as a way to share something that I know is heavy but doesn't have to go into details.  For some reason I feel like if I disclose my past it needs to be super detailed.  Because of that, I feel hesitant to share.  Yet I don't actually think most other people need the details.  And truthfully the details aren't what still hurt me.  What hurts me are my IC and OC and the horrible way I talk to myself and feel about myself.  Those horrible things feel smaller when I can share with people that I trust. 

Right now I feel in a good place like I am managing.  I hope I can continue to carry that forward.  I appreciate all of the understanding and support here. 

I have found that people can be supportive without knowing details. On OOTS, I have received a lot of support, but have shared very little detail.

Thank you Notalone - it is helpful to know that!

CW (mention of suicide) ——————————————-

As the day has progressed, the memory of my BIL dying by suicide last November has crept up.  I don't really understand why it is coming up.  It might be because today I realize my MIL's birthday is next week.  Last year on her birthday my BIL registered to be an organ donor.  When the organ donation people that spoke to my ILs during my BIL's hospitalization mentioned the date he registered, my FIL said "oh he wanted to honor his mother."  I had a very different perspective - to me it was a message of how much pain she caused.  My BIL and I were not close.  Looking back I realize how long he struggled with mental illness and I didn't understand that until recently.  I think I feel guilt that I didn't know him better.  I can see how he tried his best. 

His death pushed my awareness of my trauma history forward.  His death put a divide between my husband and I that left me feeling abandoned by my husband.  I am afraid of what will happen as the anniversary of his death approaches. 

End CW —————————————————

My husband and I do not see eye to eye about his family.  From the outside I can see how abusive my in-laws are but my husband does not.  He treats me in some of ways he learned from them and a lot of our work has been for him to choose more respectful behavior.  If I had the choice I would never interact with them.  I already only interact if they come to our state and then usually for only one of the days they are here.   

I dread the future and how my husband will respond to the demands of them as they age.  His siblings have a lot of issues that he has been groomed to believe he has to solve and take care of - they are not functioning adults. He tries talking to me about our future but I can't let myself think about it because past experience has taught me how quickly he will say "how high?" when they say jump.  I keep seeing ways he grows with me which is why I am still here with him.  But I am so afraid it will all be too much for him. 

I'm surprised all of this is coming up.  I have been working so hard on myself and I think this is an area that continues to leave me feeling powerless.  I am afraid my husband will have his own awakening one day and will realize he doesn't love me.  Or that we will outgrow each other.  I am always waiting for him to abandon me.  I hate that I am preemptively preparing for what might happen in November in July. 

I posted this today on social media:

I've been at a loss for words for months now.  Some words that come to mind now: discouraged - disgusted - disappointed - sad - calm - overwhelmed.  I am finding it more helpful to consider that feelings I have right now are too big which make self-regulation a challenge. 

Recently I saw a post that compared healing to being on a spiral staircase.  The idea was that you circle back to a similar place and each time you return to that similar place it is with different information.

I am reflecting on how short sighted we are as people.  We are limited by how our brain works unless we bring active attention to our minds.  Yet that is so exhausting and we are still limited by our own experience.  We encounter the same things over and over and yet are slow to learn at the expense of many.

I am trying to embrace the opportunity to do better when things circle back into my life.  I am not sure how it is going - it is difficult to know the impact a single person makes but I aim to be a light.

For a while now, I'm not sure how long, I've been pondering the ways in which I don't feel safe.  I experienced abandonment and loss so often growing up I am not at all surprised it impacted me so. 

I am more aware of these in myself now but it makes me so sad and angry.

My IC, OC, and hypervigilance were on overdrive today.  I have been exercising outside on a trail near my house and got so overwhelmed by how lax people are with masks and social distancing.  My IC has been berating me all day for not being "nice" to many people I encountered today. 

It is very difficult to feel good about the future right now. 

Many painful memories are coming up today.  They are memories of times I really struggled in relationships to others.  They are memories of how poorly I treated others.  I was trying to keep myself safe as I did not understand myself then but I am deeply ashamed at how thoughtless and careless I was.  I am feeling overwhelmed by this because while certain people are coming to mind, I moved so many times while growing up I can't remember the names and faces of all the people I have hurt. 

I did a meditation today where the leader repeated the phrases, "I love myself.  I care about my suffering.  May I be at ease."  The part about caring about my suffering struck me.  As I suffer today, my habitual thought pattern is that I deserve to suffer.  That I deserve to feel bad because I am bad because I was not accepted or loved because I have human needs and am not perfect.  But I wonder if I can care about my suffering.  That idea is helping me break the cycle of telling myself I deserve to feel bad (at least for now). 

I had so much trouble falling asleep last night.  I think I exercised too late in the evening and then started thinking about my return to work.  I kept playing our scripts in my head of things I will say.  Needless to say this didn't do anything for me other than make me extremely tired today.

I came across two quotes today that spoke to me - one was on a podcast where Laverne Cox said something like "I'm glad I got to be a mess" and the other I saw online and attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson "Don't judge a day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant."  From these quotes I took away that it is ok to feel like a mess.  I hope that each thing I do to grieve, take care of myself, and face my feelings and thoughts will lead to greater things where I at least don't lay up half the night thinking of what I will say to people in a month. 

Hey Rainydiary, I'm sending you lots of support and hugs. Your continuous work on yourself and your memories and emotions is so much, and the effort that you put in is amazing. I envy your courage, and especially your last sentence that you wrote before, "face my feelings and thoughts will lead to greater things". I'm so proud of you for finding these sentences that speak to you, and the two quotes that you mentioned above. I wish I could find a quote that speaks to me, but I think I have trauma to face before I can allow myself to be open to literature again.
Any way, know that you're not alone in this, and in the running thoughts that keep you awake all night (I've had them my whole life too when preparing for something). Sending you a basket full of gifts, and also thank you for writing in my journal. I have appreciated your support (I don't have the energy to reply on my own).
:hug:  :hug:

Thanks Marta - I appreciate your words and am grateful for this place where I can find so much understanding.

What goes up must come down.  I went downstairs to do yoga and could hear my partner talking with his family.  Just the sound of their voice sends me into my 4Fs.  Today is my MIL birthday and so I'm sure the day will include more FaceTimes.  This reminds me of the work I still have to do.  It is so complicated how because I grew up with such a wounded and incomplete sense of self and made huge life decisions based on that.  It is a lot to unravel.  The more I know I know of my in-laws I wish I had run as far away from them as I could earlier in my relationship.  They bring me nothing but pain.  My husband has grown with me but they are a huge source of tension that I handle better some days than others.  I struggle to accept how he can be ok putting up with their abuse and how I can't always control their intrusion into my life through him. 

There is so much to do.  I appreciate your support and the chance to say what I need to here.

 :hug: :hug: I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I feel your pain, and I understand what you're going through. Sending you lots of support :)

Thank you Marta!

I wrote this message and wanted to put it out in the world.  This felt like the best place.  I tried reaching out to a friend that is usually understanding about these things but she upset me more by not just offering a listening ear and trying to give me advice which I was not asking for. 

Last week when I met with my coworker she asked "Do you feel respected?"

No.  Without hesitation no. 

I do not feel respected by parents.  By other educators.  By other members of my profession.  By administration.  By the district.  I do not feel respected.

I feel like an overqualified, overpaid babysitter with a master's degree and going on 9 years of experience. 

I feel outside of every group I am a part of because I bring different ideas and perspectives.  I am shamed for other people not respecting me and told to try harder to fit in.  I am the one that is supposed to bend to their wills. 

I have internalized this lack of respect and need to fit in.  As a result I am hypervigilant and perfectionistic.  Neither of those things has helped me deal.  Decisions about my work and how I carry it out are made without consideration of my experience or perspective.  I am treated like I don't have a voice.

I am not given an adequate workspace.  My workspace allows me to hear children in crisis screaming horrible things about themselves.  In turn, my own trauma response is activated and I spend most of my days trying to put on a brave face rather than face the condescension if I confide in someone I am having a difficult day.

For what?  Why do I go back? 

I go back for every student I meet that has been failed by our system.  For the students that tell me they are "f'ing stupid" and who write that they desperately want to be understood by others.  I go back so that students at least have someone that will hear them and try to do right by them.  I don't always get it right but I am trying my best.

Yet I am trapped with these kids.  We are stuck in a system that does not work.  I don't even know what our system values.  It isn't my life.  It isn't the life of the children. 

I don't know what I am going to do moving forward. 

Thank you for being so devoted to your students, rainy. What you do is important, and I'll bet that even if some of your colleagues cannot treat you with respect, your students can feel your caring, and that's got to be having a positive impact in their lives.

Some of my most important adults growing up were teachers, my coach, and youth group leaders. I still reflect upon these folks and was actually able to contact one of them, decades after we'd lost touch, to give her a heartfelt Thank You, so moved was I by her willingness to see me and be there for me during tough times in my youth

Thank you Saylor - I appreciate your words.  I hope that I am that person for my students.  It is a tricky thing, especially working with adolescents, as I have no idea.  I work with the hope that I have long lasting positive impact but I don't know.

I am reflecting on how much I struggle with my brain.  Earlier my friend said to me, "You are triggered right now."  I found this so unhelpful and hurtful.  My brain goes to that place so quickly and I don't always realize.  This is "normal" for me and it pushes a divide between me and others.  Even when I try to reach out, others aren't necessarily in a place where they can help.  So they push me away. 

I often feel like I am an alien and when I speak I am speaking a language others don't understand.  I think that is why I keep showing up at work for my students.  I imagine that in their own way they may feel the same.  That makes me sad but also motivates me to do my best so that hopefully they feel a little connection. 

But right now going back to work feels so unsafe.  I already lack a sense of safety in the world and this isn't helping.  I feel overpowered by what is happening.  Every step I take where I feel good and confident and processing, something else comes along to knock me down.  I keep standing up but I am exhausted. 

My earlier entries were definitely during an EF.  I'm trying to unravel where it started and what led to it. 

I think I've been being really hard on myself.  I've been reading some books for professional development and I created this notecatcher system where I can write questions, thoughts that come to mind, and to dos.  I notice that while reading these books, I am learning new things that make me see my approach to my work could be different.  My IC interprets this as "I've been screwing up for so long and have probably been hurtful to kids."  So many of my questions or thoughts were related to how badly I feel I've screwed up. 

Today I read a chapter on team work.  I think that may be what pushed me over the edge into the EF.  I struggle to function as a team member in certain capacities and I read so much judgment into that chapter.  I got mad while reading it because while I can see areas where I could better as a team member, I feel frustrated that my other team mates may not care to put in the same work.  I feel responsible for their poor participation.  Also I felt misunderstood because I feel like I have to work extra hard just to show up to work every day and function with this brain.  I wanted that chapter to feel more inclusive. 

So then I just got mad and I think the EF really started.  I'm not exactly sure what I was reliving - perhaps all my failed attempts at working with others and just feeling like a total mess. 

It took me stages to get over the EF.  I tried yoga first and cried which has helped some days.  I wrote in my paper journal and my journal here.  I made a plan to stop reading that professional book because I have done so much work of late that I am not giving myself time to recover before I open up more wounds.  I did a simple chore and that is where the floodgates opened and I was finally able to be in the present.  I cried and laid on my bed and hugged myself.  For some reason the phrase "I'm here" helped - it helped me feel in the present moment.  Then I rested and told my husband about what happened. 

I felt so alone during the EF.  It felt like my heart was breaking open.  I wanted someone to rescue me. 

The past few days my cat has been super cuddly.  She has been laying her head on my heart.  I wonder if she knows.  It feels precious whatever it is. 

I started off the day with an overwhelming sense of shame.  I notice that when I felt that my brain either lives in the future and focuses on all the ways it thinks I will mess up or in the past where I focus on all the things I've done wrong. 

It takes a lot of work and most of the day to bring my mind to the present.  When it finally did I realized that I have spent most of my life trying to prove my worth to others.  I've tried so many things to prove my value.  Yet none of it has helped take away my earliest pain and deep down sense that I am hopelessly flawed.  It has left me misattuned and misunderstood by others.

I'm curious what will happen if I reframe and stop trying to prove myself.  It isn't always a conscious thing but I know I do it still.  We'll see - my days moving forward are going to feel especially difficult as I engage more in work conversations. 

Quote from: rainydiary on July 15, 2020, 07:30:27 PM
It takes a lot of work and most of the day to bring my mind to the present.  When it finally did I realized that I have spent most of my life trying to prove my worth to others.  I've tried so many things to prove my value.  Yet none of it has helped take away my earliest pain and deep down sense that I am hopelessly flawed.  It has left me misattuned and misunderstood by others.

Rainy, it's interesting that you mention this. This really resonated with me and I think it has helped me connect a few dots. I've never really thought about myself as feeling the need to prove my worth but when I look back on my life that's exactly it. Like you said, I feel hopelessly flawed/worthless. In school, I needed to excel in my classes, because I needed to prove to myself (and I guess to others whoever the others are) as smart I guess. It was at the sacrifice of my health and some of my relationships. The Navy the same thing and now as a project manager the same. My first PM job, I needed to quit because I took on too much. When it came time for me to pull in the reins and perform like a normal employee, I was looked down upon.

I hope reframing things to stop proving yourself will help. I hope it well help you heal and reinforce that you are worthy.

Thanks Buddy - I hope that thought can show you some new things too.  I worked as a PM before and in many ways my current job is like a PM so I get where you are coming from. 
I think it will be tough to break the habit/instinct to prove myself - I am not sure how else to act. 

I reflected this afternoon on how differently I approach my work than colleagues with the same training.  I've always felt bad about this but am beginning to wonder if the reason I work differently is because my brain functions differently as a result of trauma.  I think I have a perspective others don't.  I have trusted myself and hope to keep doing so...but it is really hard when other people act like I am coming out of outer space. 

I just spoke with a trusted co-worker about my status as a trauma survivor.  It was an interesting conversation in that she shared that she also has a trauma history and she shared some thoughts that I could really relate to which helped me feel understood. 

I hope that by sharing my story with others that it helps in ways I can't see right now. 

Today has been a day where I've faced things I've been putting off - getting blood work and signing a petition in person.  I also need to take my cat to the vet next week - I really don't like taking her.  She gets carsick and the whole vet experience is traumatic for both of us because the last two times she went she needed to have teeth removed.  We are also going to try a new vet that is closer to our house.  I like her old vet but it is too far from where we live.  I tried to make it work but am never driving her there again. 

That stuff aside, some things occurred that I hope are healing.  I caught myself in a moment of wanting to seek approval from others.  I knew they wouldn't give me the approval I was looking for and that if I went through with my plan I would end up feeling worse.  It seemed like a way of reenacting past trauma to keep my supply of shame going.  I did yoga instead and while I was doing yoga my father's angry face came to my mind.  I realized in that moment that what I wanted to say to him when he raged at me is "I hate you."  I never fought back.  I just stood there and took his rages.  It seemed easier at the time.  But now I realize how terribly bad I feel when I don't "fight back" however that might look in the situation.  Especially since my parents love to tell me I need to stand up for myself while seeming to ignore that my father screaming at me everything I did taught me not to.  So it really has multiple layers where I can't win and feel shame regardless of what I do. 

I have been so exhausted this week.  The events of my country are getting to me as well as the thought of going back to work.  I have been really hard on myself and am trying to find ease today.  Right now I feel ease and I plan to enjoy it as long as I can. 

Hi rainy I'm glad you feel ease. I hope you can stay in it as long as you can. Also congrats on being able to identify that you were seeking outside approval. That does sound like a big step towards healing!

:cheer:

Thanks Buddy!  The ease is gone for now and I am trying to remember it can come back.

This morning I woke up from a weird dream.  I was returning to work at an old job.  I felt this overall sense of shame at going back.  The old job was actually a combination of several old jobs as there were people from different jobs there.  I was having to face many failures (or what my mind considers failures).  It was just weird.

I got up and had an ok start to the day.  I decided to work on some guided journal entries.  One of the prompts asked me to consider the word punishment...and so begins an EF.  I realize now that is a very triggering word for me.  Also that I constantly live in fear of punishment still.

I did notice myself going into an EF.  I completed the journal entry and was going to move on the next one but recognized that I was getting distressed. 

As I sat in my distress a bit more, I called to mind Pete Walker's steps for EF management.  I said to myself, "I am having an emotional flashback."  I've learned in the past several weeks that going to my room and laying down helps.  I started listening to a meditation on my meditation app and began crying.  I talked to my inner child who was punished so regularly for things like crying, making mistakes, being herself.  I thought it was winding down but then I saw my cat.  For some reason that brought on more tears.

I am feeling a bit better now.  I think I responded to my EF sooner than I usually do.  I think the tears are healing.  I realize how afraid I am to go back to work because I am afraid the way others will treat me and each other will feel punishing to my brain. 

 :hug: :hug:

I'm sending support. I hear progress in your words too.

Thank you Blueberry.  :grouphug:

Today I am reflecting (or berating myself?) on how hard I am on myself.  I have this deep deep feeling of being bad and flawed and not worth it.  I feel like I am trying to shift that but it is so difficult.  So then I am hard on myself for it being difficult.  It is a never ending loop. 

Today is starting off with all the elements of a rough day.  I can feel myself reacting.  I am hoping to use this day as a chance to practice things I've learned. 

Relief.  I made it through the day. 

I was able to share with trusted people my struggles.  I worked to respond rather than react.  It worked today.  My IC of course is saying "yeah but it might not the next time."

My main source of unease today was taking my cat to the vet.  We tried a new vet today - I think the cat and I both needed a fresh start.  I cried for the hour leading up to catching her to go.  Catching her did not go well but I am glad my husband was there to help because she almost got away and I cried more.  Overall the trip in the car and the experience at the vet was smooth and uneventful which was a relief.

Today I realized how my trauma is present even in being a pet owner.  I hope the tears I cried today were healing in that.  Also I am glad I didn't avoid going - I wanted to put off taking her but I think that would have made things worse.

In general though, I am growing increasingly worried about returning to work.  I work in a school and really worried about COVID.  I have gotten sick every year working in a school.  It happens.  The stakes are much higher now.  I am not sure what is stopping from me from just saying "I won't do it" and not going in until it is actually safe. 

During my run today, I listened to this podcast (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/radio-diaries/id207505466?i=1000482241093).  The way the father spoke to his daughter made me cry.  It was so heartwarming and supportive.

As I listened, it occurred to me how lonely I feel.  I cannot really recall anyone speaking to me the way the father spoke to his daughter.  I cannot think of someone in my current life that initiates an interaction just to say "I'm thinking of you and you are great."  Sometimes they say something like that after I have initiated such an interaction.  But it hurts.  I feel invisible. 

My husband felt the need to point out how our house is dirtier than usual this morning.  His seeming inability to verbalize any affirming feelings is a direct result of his upbringing but it still hurts.  I have worked so hard to heal myself and now his insensitivity hurts me more because I notice it more.  I have been speaking up for myself and I can see how he is trying.  But it is exhausting and feels like additional emotional labor on my part. 

 :hug:

 :hug:

That's tough rainy, I'm sorry to hear that. I obviously don't know your family but I hope good intent is there from your husband.

I'm not sure if it will make you feel better but I've found I've said a lot of stupid things to my wife when she was struggling and didn't even realize it. I chalk a lot of that up to not being able to read her especially before I started working on myself. I can be dense some times. What I do know is that when I have come to realization that she is struggling I will drop everything I can to help her through her pain. I hope eventually you will have a similar experience because you deserve it.

If this does not apply please ignore the message above. I'm so incredibly sorry for your pain and hope you heal soon.

:hug:

Thank you for the support Tee, Three Roses, and Buddy.

I ended up talking to my husband about it.  It was weird - when he made his comment, I didn't think much of it.  While I was running, I finally processed it and realized that I didn't like it.  I think it is a habit to just push down my initial reaction.  He used his usual family line of "I was just joking"  (which is what his family says when they insult each other and the insulted reacts negatively).  But he was receptive and I don't think he meant to be hurtful.  He has a lot of unhealthy things he does because it is "normal" in his family but not ok to me.  We've come a long way and it helps me to remember that.

I had a relatively chill day otherwise.  I did try to explore the concept of shame more because I experience shame so often.  Because I am feeling more calm, my IC has been ramping up and throwing more and more memories at me as proof of why I am "bad."  Many of them are memories of times I wasn't able to really process before because I didn't have the maturity and tools to do so.  It also feels more effortful for me to stay with more "positive" even neutral thoughts and emotions.  I don't always want to default to thinking the worst of myself.  It's difficult to acknowledge the depth of my IC.  It's a system that has been reinforced for decades. 

I appreciate the support.  I am learning more about myself for the better (I hope). 

Hi rainy,

I'm glad to hear your husband was receptive, that's great. I am sorry to hear your IC has been ramping up. You are not inherently "bad" and I hope one day your mind will accept that.

Thanks Buddy - me too.

I am currently working through an EF triggered by my husband mentioning his family.  His brother is thinking of moving to the area where we live and just the thought of that and what it would mean is hurting me.  I know that it would mean my parents in laws visiting a whole lot more.  The EF is from all the times I tried forcing myself to put up with them and denying my voice.  At least my family is ok with us not all living in the same place and I can physically get away.  My husband's family are so enmeshed and want to live up in each other's businesses - it is too much for me.

I am proud that I caught this happening.  My husband noticed a difference in me which is interesting  - I told him I'm not in a place to talk even though I desperately want to but don't know how.  We do not see eye to eye at all when it comes to his family.  At times I will think we do but then the fear, obligation and guilt will creep it and push us apart. 

Deep down my fear is that my husband will abandon me.  He has a history of doing what his parents (especially his mom) wants and he has hurt me many times as a result.  He and his mom and sister speak several times every day and it is too much for me.  The other day he was fine and then I come home to him "not feeling well" after talking to them.  He does seem ready to see that they are causing him pain. 

This pain also goes back to the start of our relationship where I seriously misunderstood him.  When I met him I thought I met a person that wanted to make a life away from his toxic family.  Subsequent events made me see I had misread that badly.  A part of me is convinced that deep down he knows what they do is not ok.  But he keeps going back.  I am afraid that we have misread each other so badly and that one day he will choose them over me.

I have been trying to let myself actually believe that he can grow.  He has grown, especially since we've lived so far from his family.  I keep expecting him to falter though and feel bad that I do that.  As I heal more, I realize that I have no desire to be around his family.  They are hurtful and harmful people and try to bully me into accepting their worldview.  When I don't it causes problems.  I think right now I am only able to see in extremes.  I don't feel fully convinced my husband is with me. 

I'm not sure what to make of today.  I completed some professional development and it helped me reflect on my work from around March to May (but as well my work from last November on).  This is not my inner critic speaking but an honest reflection: I was not ok.  I had a series of extremely difficult things happen back to back to back and I see now that my resources were maxed out.  I see that my abilities and skills regressed because I was just trying to get through each day.  I was not my best self.  I think I knew that at the time but I have more perspective now and can see how I was struggling from a different place. 

I don't think any lasting damage was done.  I certainly have some relationships I can work to repair and I have a plan of how to approach things differently.  Knock on wood but my IC hasn't started berating me for this.  For some reason this true reflection of how I behaved that I came to on my own isn't as painful as what others might think or say to me because it is grounded in the truth. 

I still have much work to do but am finding small ways to make changes that I think will add up over time. 

Rainy, reading your previous post really resonated with me. Except my wife being in your shoes. My wife noticed the toxicity of my family for a long time. Especially, that from my mother. She would guilt trip, manipulate, deflect responsibility and what I assume unconsciously put me in the middle of situations and having to choose. This certainly didn't help with my low self esteem and lack of family. She would use our kids to make me feel guilty.

I was in denial for a very long time. In fact for the 10 years that I've known my wife it's only been really the last year that I've been coming to terms with what is happening. I'm not sure if you guys do Couple's but that is one thing that has been helping us a lot. I guess my point is there is hope. Hang in there!

Thank you Buddy - I appreciate the reminder that I am not the only one experiencing this dynamic. 

My relationship to my in-laws has always made me feel inept.  I've been shamed a lot by them as well as my parents for how I act toward them.  I'm sure I could have done better but they don't play by rules that healthy people play by.  I've learned over this year that I can choose the level of contact that I want - it is hard because they violate boundaries I set over and over.  It all makes me feel like I don't know how to be a family member.  I have a broader definition of family and it mostly includes people I choose.  But it is hard because I feel like I have somehow failed. 

I have seen my husband be put in very difficult positions.  He was raised by adult children that wanted to be friends with their kids.  That had turned out to not work well.  I see him trying to come to terms with things in his way and I think deep down he knows.  He hasn't seen her that he doesn't have to play their game.  I have learned that he listens to what I say so I am trying to be more mindful with my words.  It is tough for me because he isn't very good at putting his own experiences into words. 

My husband's birthday is coming up and his family obsesses over birthdays.  I'm sure they are pressuring him to come visit pandemic be darned.  I keep waiting for him to give in and go.  The first anniversary of his brother's death is approaching and I don't know how that is going to go.  His mom especially pitches a fit about him being there for the holidays.  I have no interest in giving up my free time to spend holidays with them.  Holidays are not pleasant with them and always end with arguments and someone storming out.  Yet that may mean us spending the holidays apart which makes me sad.

It is often hard for me to appreciate how far we have come.  But because he isn't great at putting things into words, I worry it will all build up and that I will be a convenient scapegoat.  I wonder why he married me - he hasn't ever put that into words and that hurts.  I am stronger now though and if that is how things would play out I know I would be ok.  I hope that isn't what happens.  But I'm also tired.  Sometimes I would like to live on my own and start over and try again.  That also makes me feel like a failure. 

We are going on a camping trip together next week.  I think it will be a good trip and hope I can relax enough to enjoy it.

Generally I am feeling better.  I think I am healing.  Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop but trying to hold onto new sensations that feel better. 

Next week will be a final trip to my favorite town before I start work.  It will be hard leaving my cat at home.  I am not usually up to journaling while on a trip - I usually don't need to. 

Work will definitely be a test of how I am able to use tools I have learned.  I hope my journey helps me do my job better.  I also hope to stay well and healthy. 

I don't often comment on your journal, but I want you to know that I read it and I'm for you. You have great insight into your motives, thoughts, and feelings.

Notalone, thank you for sharing this and for reading.  I appreciate the chance to read others' stories and I am not always sure what to say even though I would like to know exactly what to say to let others know I hear and see them sharing.

As I get ready for our camping trip, I understood more how traveling is part of my trauma.  I grew up in a military family and we moved a lot.  Moving is difficult for many reasons and we moved around 10 times while I was living at home.  My parents also moved see real times when I was a toddler and I can't remember them but I'm sure that my body and brain hold tension from this time.  The transitions I do remember always amped up the abuse given increased stress.  I've also had difficult moves with my husband two of which involved serious car wrecks (which add to a serious car wreck my brother, mom, and I were in when I was too little to remember but I'm sure my body and brain remember). 

I think that as I prepare for any trip, I am reminded of having my entire system flooded, overwhelmed, and not feeling able to cope.  This happened over and over.  I couldn't feel all of it at that time.  I am trying to let myself feel it bit by bit now so that I can heal. 

Something I have noticed as an adult is how I always feel this urge to move and move on.  I am hearing the voices of my parents go on and on about how I should go where the jobs are and how I shouldn't be afraid of going somewhere new.  But I think a lot of this was how they tried justifying how hard it was for us to move around.  I haven't ever really felt at home anywhere I lived and I think it was because I didn't feel at home in myself.  I also see how much I have avoided in myself and in growing for a long time because I just keep jumping around. 

There are so many layers.

Hi rainy, I can certainly understand the tensions related to moving and the military. To be blunt it sucks. Aside from the trauma I dealt with while being in; witnessing the toll moves and the military life played on my colleagues' children was a huge motivator for me getting out. Sadly, my experience was more often than not families were negatively affected by military life.

I don't think there's anything wrong with staying in one place. If you can find a place that feels like "home", feel settled and make a living that's more than half the battle.

I appreciate your words Buddy.  I think for a long time I tried to focus on the good the various moves brought but ignored the bad for a long time to cope.  I think that in addition to now feeling not at home with myself because of CPTSD, I also don't really feel like I belong anywhere. 

My husband I are on our trip.  We had a relatively pleasant day yesterday.  We both acknowledged we weren't really looking forward to the trip.  When I was growing up my family never took vacations as moving took up that time.  My husband's family I believe took trips but I would say he has a lot of hangups on trips which is stressful for me because I see them as things he is trying to overcome from his upbringing. 

For instance, despite the fact that we make plenty of money for the two of us, his aim is to find the cheapest accommodations possible.  Hence our plan was to camp this week.  As soon as we got to the town we're staying in, he acknowledged he didn't want to camp.  So we found a place to stay. 

Right now I am feeling homesick.  I miss my cat and my bed.  I don't sleep as well away from home and last night woke up overheated (so of course I start getting worried I am sick and have to spend time calming down my nervous system).  I had really complicated dreams that I can't really remember.  I do remember the essence of one where my husband was upset with me about where we live.  Deep down I am afraid our relationship also won't last because he feels immense pressure to live in his hometown.  Last year after his brother died and we hit a low point he told me hates where we live and wants to be closer to his family.  I think a lot of that was grief talking but it has left me uneasy ever since.  Will we be able to work together to find a place of our own or will his family's toxicity win?

We are preparing for our first day in town.  I hope my homesickness subsides. 

Hi rainy thank you for sharing. Even though it doesn't sound ideal, I hope the trip will ultimately turn into an opportunity to rest and recharge.

Thanks, Buddy - today went relatively well.  Many beautiful hikes and yummy food and slower times.

While hiking today, I thought about how for many years I had this deep down feeling/voice that told me my husband is my person.  I held on to that through a lot of difficult times.  I realized I haven't heard that voice or felt that deep down feeling since around Thanksgiving after his brother died.

This made me feel disoriented.  I don't think my feelings towards my husband have changed but I found so much comfort in the feeling.  It scares me that it is gone.  It was like a wiser part of me that knew this relationship would lead me to a place of healing.  And now? 

Nothing feels certain.  I've always known that things are not certain - it is a lesson I learned too young.  But that is feeling really heavy now.  I am more afraid of how my new self will respond and what I will want out of my life now.  I've spent so many years worried about everyone else and now that I am prioritizing myself, I am afraid of what I will choose.  I'm not sure why I'm afraid or if that is even the right word. 

I am trying to notice and manage my homesickness.  I hope tomorrow is a good day too. 

I am having a difficult day - still on my trip, still homesick, haven't felt well most of the week.  I think my IC and OC have taken over and I am having trouble quieting them down.  There have been moments of peace and enjoyment but I think I have entered into an EF.

I am bothered by how being outside of my routines and comfort zone are messing with me.  Before I recognized CPTSD in myself I identified the persistent challenges I faced with being an introvert and highly sensitive person.  I still think that I have a sensitive, quiet temperament and do better with consistency and routine.  But now I am all lost in worry - have I been hiding in my routines?  Do I work too hard to maintain a consistency because deep down I can't cope otherwise?  Why can't I just enjoy a week away from home?  Why can't I successfully get my needs met with the person I chose to live my life with?

I hope that this passes soon.  We are supposed to stay a few more days and I don't know how I am going to get by.

Unfortunately the day has progressed to conflict with my husband.  In the process, I'm pretty sure I triggered him.  I am also feeling terrible that while I am working to heal how I was treated growing up that I turn sometimes use those same behaviors.  Then I become upset that I too am an abuser and my IC takes off with the strong conclusion that I am in fact bad. 

It is a vicious cycle.  I am exhausted now and feeling very low.  My husband and I dialogued a little.  I'm just disappointed (mostly in myself) that I've been working so hard and still ended up in this place. 

Quote from: rainydiary on July 30, 2020, 06:17:50 PM
Then I become upset that I too am an abuser and my IC takes off with the strong conclusion that I am in fact bad. 

I don't know what happened, but I wonder if using the word "abuser" is too strong. Everyone has some unhealthy behaviors and reactions. You are working on yourself to bring healing. Be kind to yourself.

Rainy, I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough day. Mark my words you are not inherently bad. You are worthy. You are worthy of peace and contentment.

Thank you Buddy and Notalone for your support and reminders.  I got way lost in my pain today and it really sucked. 

It was a weird experience to recognize that I had triggered my husband and to realize that he has been listening to me because he was able to use the vocabulary I've used when talking about being triggered.  Every now and then he reminds me in a big way that he listens to me even if it doesn't seem like he does.  In those times I always resolve to be more mindful in what words I chose because I don't want him to remember the hurtful ones.  I will keep trying. 

I am realizing that while I am getting better at listening to my body signals and realizing I need to do something to take care of myself, I'm not doing as well at identifying what I need.  Lately because I haven't had work I have just been doing yoga or laying down for a while.  That doesn't work in all situations and definitely won't work once my job resumes and it hasn't really been addressing what I need.  I opened up this page to help me when I need words to identify needs (https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/2018-10/CNVC-needs-inventory.pdf (https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/2018-10/CNVC-needs-inventory.pdf)).

I am worn out by this day. 

Last night was super rough - I was physically ill and  there was a mouse roaming around our room so we moved rooms at our lodging in the middle of the night.  This all added up to limited sleep after a trying week.

This morning my husband initiated a conversation where I shared many of the things I've noticed and worried about lately.  He isn't one to respond immediately and I am now sitting by myself feeling really alone.  It is hard to be so vulnerable with someone, especially a partner, and to get no response.  In my brain I can identify and understand reasons why he responds in this way but it hurts and I am tired of making excuses for him.  I can't make him do anything, I just keep hoping he will take it on himself to learn better ways to communicate with me. 

I am trying to take care of myself right now. 

Im sorry to hear you had a rough day rainy. I'm sorry to hear how vulnerable and alone you feel.

I see a lot of similarities in your dynamic compared to mine with my wife. If this doesn't apply please disregard.  Again, I don't necessarily want to speak to your husband because obviously I don't know your family  but for what it's worth, for the longest time, I treated my wife very similarly when she opened up to me and was vulnerable. I usually wouldn't respond right away, but I would listen. I would think about what she was saying but would be afraid to provide a response because I felt I needed to provide the perfect good measured response to her vulnerability. It wasn't out of any form of ill will or malevolence. For me, knowing the mental health issues that she suffered I didn't give her enough credit for her resiliency and thought I needed to treat her (through my responses) as a delicate flower. It wasn't until we started Couple's that I realized more or less the exact opposite is what she wanted. It took me a while to crack out of my shell, to work through my wife's vulnerabilities in the moment but it did come.

I hope things will get better. You are worthy and you deserve to heal!


//====EDIT========
Rainy, I feel the need to state I didn't write that to toot my own horn, like look at me look how wonderful my life is. I'm certainly no saint and I certainly have problems I'm dealing with with my wife. I just wanted to say that it sounds like your dynamic is similar and that I can see how you are feeling so alone and that I believe there is hope for you.

Buddy, I appreciate your thoughts and response.  Your perspective is really helpful and helps a lot.   I appreciate you sharing that with me.  I felt a lot of shame after I wrote that post.  I think my husband heard what I said and I think it will come out over time.  I am mostly disappointed that I have had such a hard week.  I thought I was getting better at managing and things imploded this week.  I suppose it doesn't mean that I am not getting better just that I needed some reminders of things I can watch for.   

I am back at home and experiencing many ups and downs.  I haven't been able to fully settle although I generally feel better.  I did smack the back of my head on the handrail to my stairs - I think I am ok, it just hurt.   :stars:

I started working again today - my official start day is Friday but our time is always taken by meetings so I try to get things important to me done the week leading up so I can get used to working again. 

At the start of every school year we have to watch these mandatory videos.  Most of the ones this year were COVID and health related as well as ones about active threats and abuse/neglect.  I decided to get them all out of the way.  I want to say that watching these is never a good experience and is actually traumatic each time I do it.  I do not understand how working in a school equates to having to deal with all these traumatic things. 

Watching these videos brings up a lot for me.  This is the first year I've watched since acknowledging that I have been abused.  The video about abuse has always struck a cord with me that I didn't realize was because I was abused.  It's a strange experience to watch something I've had firsthand experience with and yet no one noticed (or if they did they didn't say anything).  I noticed this time around that the discussion of emotional abuse is a tiny sliver of the entire presentation. 

I think what was good about today is that normally those videos really trigger me and I didn't know that before.  I think that I noticed myself getting agitated and was able to take care.  The world feels so heavy right now and I am discouraged and afraid of things I hear on the news. 

I heard this great thought on a podcast today where the speaker said something like "You can't take my healing away from me."  I get stuck in a loop where I continue to strive for perfection because a part of me still thinks all my problems would be solved if I was perfect.  I think part of my healing has been to realize this and to notice it.  I hope I can be  gentle and easy with myself this week. 

As I dig into work more, two things happened this morning that I noticed triggered me:

1) a parent asked me a question I can't answer

2) I received an email from someone I don't know questioning my work

I decided to start writing down when I notice a trigger and then writing down something I can do in response. 

For the first one - I am familiar with the parent and she is one of the reasons I typically avoid speaking to parents.  Her question was about one of my coworkers and why that coworker hasn't responded to her emails.  I have no clue - I decided that what I can do is tell her what I know (which is that I don't know my coworkers schedule and hopefully she'll respond soon) and refocused the email on the actual topic. 

For the second one - I asked for help from some other coworkers and am double checking my knowledge.  The work I do can vary from state to state and my instinct is that the question is a difference in how different states carry out the work.  But I acknowledge that I often do things with incomplete or inaccurate information and want to make sure I am not unintentionally doing things wrong.

So far I think I am doing better at not getting caught in a spiral.  We'll see how that goes when I have to interact with people in person.... :Idunno:

Hi rainy,

Welcome back from your time off!

Jotting down when you notice you are being triggered and trying to identify a response sounds like a great idea. I hope it will help moving forward.

Thanks Buddy - I appreciate the support!

As the day went on yesterday I realized that I had been triggered way before those situations.  I was listening to a podcast and the topic triggered me back to the time of my BIL's death last November.  That time keeps coming up more and more of late and I don't really understand why. 

I was reminded yesterday that I will never get rid of being triggered.  The goal is more to work with what is happening and try to find my way back to the place where I am not triggered.  That makes me feel better but also sad for the reasons I am triggered. 

I am worn down today.  I think I might go to bed early. 

This morning I think I started to understand why the time of my BIL's keeps coming up.  From the moment we got the news up until now, no one from my ILs, including my husband, has asked how I am or how the experience impacted me.  I think my husband asked me once during the week I spent there when my BIL was hospitalized, but the rest of the time I was there and until this moment I've had to take care of myself with it. 

At the time, I understood as the family was in crisis.  I also know them that they don't have a lot of emotional resources in a normal time so I wasn't surprised.  But the wounded inner me was like "here is another example of why you are worthless."  My BIL's death led me to understanding my own trauma history so I also had that to deal with.   

I am beginning to see how I have felt abandoned by now only my family of origin but also by my family of choice.  While I haven't truly been alone during this journey, these two "abandonments" feel the worst. 

That sounds so hard, rainy. To not only have your original family but chosen family to let you down in a similar way. It may not have occurred to your chosen family that you might be affected by your BIL. They may think you're okay because you are "new" to the family.

I find the hardest part with all this trauma is having to cope alone. It seems to be part and parcel of trauma. I think had we not been alone when the bad things in our lives happened, we would have recovered. Maybe a little scarred but not a whole lot worse for wear. It's really hard to come out that pit of isolation and pain. I think the healing comes from making new connections with others, and no longer being alone. I think abandonment  is so traumatizing because we're left on our own with no one out there that has our back. By definition that is a loss of safety.

:grouphug:

Owl, thank you!  Your reflection captures where my mind and heart are today. 

As the day has gone on, more of my grief related to this experience has opened and I am becoming aware of how alone I have felt for the past 10+ years even when my husband is in the same room.  Most of the loneliness isn't even from anything in the present or about him.  I am seeing that I have been stuck back in time. 

There was a period of our relationship when we first met and even when we began to work through difficult things where I felt so connected and free.  I had found my person.  And then we moved to his hometown.  I think it was when he asked me to move there that I began to shut down.  My heart said don't do it but I did anyways.  After hearing his mom say to someone "I got him to move back home" I shut down some more.  By that point I wasn't listening to all the alarm bells going off.  And after I told him his mom said that and he said "Oh she just means she's glad I'm back," I shut down completely.  I have been waiting since that time to find my way back to him.  I couldn't bear the pain. 

But that pain and the pain of my upbringing has been eating away at me for years.  I cried several times today.  I didn't realize I had closed down parts of myself.  I hope more will keep unlocking.

Today I am also finding peace in the awareness that to be mindful and well doesn't mean preventing and/or avoiding difficult and bad things.  That thought is taking a lot of pressure off. 

Rainy, it sounds like today you are managing it well and if that is the case that's awesome. Abandonment sucks. As I read your past two entries I can't help but feel your pain. It brought Th t back memories of my own abandonment, how I am still stuck back in time and can't seem to move on.

I can understand the alienation you feel from your in laws. I find mine very triggering. I get incredibly angry that I lost my family to now inherit my chosen family who is just as dysfunctional.

My point is I think I can imagine your pain. And it sounds like today is a victory and that your managing it well. If that's the case, I hope you can celebrate it. It seems like a big step to healing

Hi Rainy,
I also find my equivalent of 'in-laws' to be triggering as well - and I also think that abandonment is really tough and feeling stuck back in time and can't seeming to move on - that resonates with me - sometimes I think about being in a 'waiting room' of some kind - not sure what's ahead, but feeling alone.  Your description in your journal reminded me of that.

I hope you felt some relief when you cried - you mentioned that you hope more will keep unlocking, and I hope so too - and that it's in a way you can manage and cope with.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Buddy & Hope - thank you for your support and understanding.  Despite my "aha" I feel like it is going to take some time to integrate and I don't feel as clear as I did the other day.   

I was reflecting today that another piece of this is that I didn't want to move to my husband's hometown all that time ago and I did it anyways.  I liked where I was living at the time and could have gone to grad school there.  I made the choice because I wanted to continue my relationship with him and it seemed like our relationship would fail if we stayed where we were.  I see now that I was being over accommodating of my husband (he wasn't my husband then).  I also see that I didn't give him a chance to not go home.  I already knew it was his pattern - branch out to something not done by someone in his family, fail, have his parents jump in to "save the day," and move back home.  My lack of honesty with him and with myself created a whole new series of traumatic experiences for me (and likely for him as well).  I've been focused on my childhood trauma that I haven't even really dealt with trauma experienced at other times, including in college and with my relationship to my husband. 

I officially started back to work today and am exhausted.  I would say I can feel a difference in myself in how I approached my colleagues.  I was more confident and connected with them.  I do have one coworker that triggered me back in March and we have not repaired our working relationship.  She did not acknowledge my presence today but I also did not initiate.  I imagine we will find a place of "good enough" and today I just didn't have it in me to go there.  It is going to take time but it still hurts. 

I appreciate the understanding and support.  It is helping me. 

I'm also just remembering that I had a dream about a person I knew a long time ago.  When this person is in my dreams it is comforting.  They were someone (a classmate) that truly accepted me for myself when I was growing up.  They saw me and heard me.  They were someone deep down I wanted a more intimate relationship with but could not handle it at that time.  A part of me has held onto them since that time.  I feel incredibly foolish for it.  We have stayed in touch over the years through social media and it seems like we would not have been a good match.  Yet there is a part of me that wonders, "What if I had been able to be open to them when I was younger?  Would I have started healing sooner?"  I feel embarrassed about this part of myself. 

I have noticed over the past few days that something happens in the morning and I "forget" about it until later as I am processing the day.  I am still not in a place where I am acknowledging the impact on me and I push ahead in my day while not realizing "hey this is affecting me." 

I recently was listening to a song called Creve Coeur by Hobo Johnson and it includes the line: "She holds her breath all day and f@&$ing gasps for air at night."  This mine spoke to me as I think about how my days go.  I'm often more okay during the mornings and then as the day goes on and I get tired I feel like I am gasping.  I then see how I've been "holding my breath" all day.

I am noticing how my IC is trying to use progress I've made in healing against me.  I am working to not avoid dealing with certain types of interactions at work.  But I have been avoiding responding to an email from a person I don't know whose email triggered me.  I thought my colleagues were going to coordinate a response but I don't know.  The person that sent the email is getting more persistent and started calling us now.  I wish this wasn't what I am thinking about on a Saturday but it is.  I am doing my best which this random person doesn't know. 

 :hug: I'm sorry you're struggling so much lately, sending a gentle hug of support your way. I know the feeling, and I've pictured myself doing the same thing as you described "holding my breath all day and gasping for air at night".
Tw: mention of dro*ning
Although I add the fact that I'm drowning and trying to stay afloat. Somehow the water adds the pain and struggles of living with cptsd everyday.
I admire your strength and courage to delve into your emotions and thoughts everyday. I just wanted to send you much love to you and your parts, for all the work you've been doing on yourself and just because you deserve so much love ( i hope I phrased that right, I'm trying to not be triggering...).  :hug:

Marta, thank you for your thoughts.  I would also add water to my experience.  Your message was well received and not all triggering to me.   :hug:

Today my husband and I visited a local coffee shop that has a mission we value (supporting vocational development and hiring neurodiverse people to work at their shop).  It was a nice "break" from the pandemic.  Before going I also had a nice conversation with a friend and it was uplifting to talk to her.

When we came home I watched a professional development talk that triggered me quite a bit.  It was triggering for me because it highlighted ways I have unintentionally made mistakes in my work.  These mistakes relate to biases I naturally hold as well as to the way I was trained - I'm glad to know a different and more responsive way to work but it does hurt to see how I contributed to toxic approaches. 

Making mistakes is inherently triggering for me as I was almost always punished for mistakes growing up.  I also am reflecting on my work from last November on.  I am seeing areas where because I was so unwell mentally I made a ton of errors.  I honestly was not doing my best work.  I was trying really hard but I missed things that seem so obvious now and my IC is trying to make me feel terrible for it.  I am afraid of there being consequences and I think my brain is getting carried away with what those consequences would be. 

With some rest and courage I know I will move forward to face these things.  I often wish I would be rescued from my trauma and my brain. 

Also just want to say how badly I want to break up with my in-laws on social media.  I hate how I post something vulnerable and they always feel the need to like it.  What it does is makes me mad.  It makes me think how phony they are.  I don't need their support.  There would be drama if I ended our "friendship" but it seems like it would be worth the peace of mind.  I will see.

I had something else I had thought of saying but I can't remember what it is.  I hope I can get some sleep tonight. 

My second day back to work is complete.  I am exhausted. 

I am realizing that I haven't really calmed down or settled down for several days now.  My hypervigilance tends to kick into overdrive at the start of a school year.  This hypervigilance feels different than my usual.  Usually I am avoiding a lot and use being busy to hide.  I am doing that a little bit now with some situations.  I find it much easier to be "ok" with people who are direct and open with me. 

I hope to be able to settle soon.  I can't sustain this high level.

I think I am slowly adjusting to being back at work.  It is exhausting though and it feels like so many things happening at once.  I feel like making a list:

1. I feel farther away from my husband as we now see each other less - I have been going to bed and getting up early so our time together has gone down

2. I feel worry that my husband works remotely and doesn't others in real life very often - my worry is based on him saying it is my fault this is the case in heated arguments and that his weird relationship to his mom and sister will fill the void

3. My mom told me my dad had a co-worker test positive for COVID - I am still navigating my relationship to my parents after recognizing their past behaviors as abuse and question if they would even tell me if they actually were feeling sick

4. I have been triggered a few times at work and have so far managed those moments - I am still feeling more hypervigilance overall and it is making me doubt if I actually am managing as well as I feel like I am

5. I unintentionally missed a credit card payment which has never happened to me before and my IC is freaking out even though I paid the bill

6. I still don't always behave like an adult - I often hold back on doing things I want such as buying a new vehicle because I don't feel like I can

7.  I blocked my MIL on one social media platform and boy did that feel good

Overall I am afraid of things falling apart.  I don't want to deal with my in-laws or my parents as they get older.  I don't want to deal with inevitable drama that will come up as the holidays approach.  I want my husband to learn to deal with his trauma.  I want to feel like my husband chooses to be my partner first rather than putting me after being a son and sibling. 

I get so uneasy this time of year because so many difficult moments in my relationship to my husband have occurred from around now  through December.  I get all primed for something terrible to happen.  I am just so tired of always feeling ready for danger.  I think that is why I don't want to engage with family stuff - I am finally coming into my own and feel like they would try to take it away.

Hi rainy, I don't have much to say at the moment other than I've read all of your posts and I hear you. I can sympathize on just about all the things you discussed.

I hope this year turns out better and you find your actually managing/healing more than last year.

Thank you Buddy - I appreciate the words.

I spoke with my friend at work today and I ended up crying based on our conversation.  I shared something deeply personal that I wish I hadn't said out loud.  Her response really hurt. 

It's interesting how I notice myself making more connections but the people I feel closest to are hurting me the most. 

I am going to go run and see if exercise helps. 

That's tough rainy I'm sorry to hear that. I can appreciate how much that must hurt and how vulnerable you must feel.

I think that's why outside of here and my wife I have a hard time sharing my story. For fear of rejection. 

Thanks Buddy.  It is tricky to share with others.  This friend has been helpful on my journey but she also has her own stuff going on.  I think there are some things I just shouldn't talk to her about anymore.  I wish I didn't have to learn things the hard way....

I have been having really intense dreams.  This often happens when I start a new school year.  I think it also relates to healing and trying out new ways of being that make me feel good.  I hope the dreams loosen up soon because they make me feel less rested and I wake up hypervigilant. 

My brain has been too full of work things and just getting through each day to process much else.  I feel lonely right now.  This journey feels lonely a lot of the time.

I've noticed that my intense dreams are occurring in the last hour/hour and a half of my sleep.  I woke up this morning about two hours before my alarm and went back to sleep.  I woke up from an intense place.  I can't remember what the dream was about. I had to remind myself that I am safe.

Someone posted a question to a group I am in on Facebook and the question helped me realize how far I have come.  It also reminded me that for a long time my CPTSD hid behind other labels I use to describe my identity.  And now that I understand I am a trauma survivor those labels don't feel the same.

I heard a quote today from Judy Heumann that said "Independent living is not doing things by yourself. It is being in control of how things are done."   I heard this quote on a podcast that also made the point that we are interdependent and need other people. I struggle with this.

I struggle with because the people that brought me into the world weren't able to care for me in the way I or my siblings needed and that left me with all these wounds and gaps and loneliness.  These people are now reaching out because someone my dad works with someone that tested positive for COVID.  My parents will be going to be tested soon.  They haven't shown any illness but I don't know if they would even tell me if they did.  And what I am I supposed to do about it?  I have empathy for them but I also feel like I need a boundary.  Why couldn't they have figured out a healthier way to cope when I was growing up?  Their abuse lasted well into my 30s.  A short 5 years ago when my grandfather was dying I went to visit and I'm sure my dad was stressed.  But that is no excuse for him losing his cool with me while he was driving and calling me names and telling me I had no right to stand up to my mother who was stirring the pot like she does.  I could feel his anger and his violence.  I could feel how much he wanted to hurt me simply for me being human.  And then my mom has the audacity to tell me he didn't mean it and I had the audacity to say "I deserved it." And now I am supposed to want to be a part of their COVID scare? 

I am struggling with how my wounds led me to marry a person enmeshed with his family.  He talks to his sister (who has a baby but does not have a job and lives with her parents) several times a day.  I find the whole situation so off and odd.  Not only that he is emotionally unavailable almost all the time.  I knew this about him since the beginning of our relationship but it feels different now.  I don't know how to deal with this now.  Before I didn't notice as much.  But now when he tells me all he wants to do is quit his job, I wonder what other unspoken things are going on in his mind.  Relationship advice seems to assume someone capable of having a conversation.  He avoids any difficult conversation and then because I feel unheard when trying to have difficult conversations, things end up in a big fight that has long lasting damage.  I cannot forget him telling me he hates where he live, that he needs to be closer to his family (but that even 8 hours away is too far), and that he only lives where we do because I want to.  He hasn't tried to make where we are a home.  He compares it to his hometown which it is not like at all.

I am trying to ask myself what I really want.  What do I actually want versus what have I said I want to make other people happy?  I am still working through that.  I know that I want a partner.  The partner I have is part of the reason I am where I am now.  And yet the power of his enmeshment is so strong.  It scares me to death.  I recently heard someone say "You cannot take my healing from me" and I am afraid they will try.  I don't want to let them and yet don't know how to stay away when my husband feels like he needs them in his life.  I was reflecting how often when he has a problem he is still going to them first.  I am his wife and I am the person he seems to want to share with least. 

In January, I promised myself that I would give things at least a year as grief and traumatic events take time to integrate.  I'm not sure where I'll be in a year.  Maybe finally moving to the city of my dreams like I wanted to when I was 22.  Maybe staying where I am because I finally have a job where I am finding success.  I want to feel less alone and like the person I live with cares. 

When I read this, I wished I could envelop you in such a big hug because I know you need and deserve it. :bighug:
Sending you much love and support, Rainydiary❤️

Thank you Marta.  It seems I am getting deeper into some wounds and these ones are big.  I'm not exactly sure what to do right now.  My mind is telling me a lot of "shoulds." 

I finished my first full week of work.  Overall I felt like I managed well.  I didn't come home with any headaches like I have in the past.  I will be interested to see how that goes when I actually am working with students and talking to parents. 

My husband and I talked a bit more today.  His job is burning him out which I can understand.  It hurts me that doesn't realize he can tell me that without a lot of prodding and pulling.  His relationship to his family continues to eat at me.  I wish he would stop talking to them so much.  In my mind they hurt him more than anything else.  Next week is his birthday and given the big weird deal his family makes out of birthdays I imagine they are giving him a really hard time for not being at "home" (because our home together is not really home) for it. 

This week I've also been really reflecting on some "norms" in our life.  If I didn't say, "good morning," "I'm going to work," and "I'm home from work," we could go over 12 hours without talking.  He doesn't greet me in the mornings, he doesn't seem to care when I leave for work, and he doesn't say anything when I come home.  We can also sit in the same room and not speak for hours.  I used to think this was only about being 2 introverts. 

But then I reflect on time I've spent with his family.  They don't talk to each other at all.  Except for when someone else needs something.  All the pressure for family time and togetherness is just to have everyone sit in the same room.  None of them really have a strong identity without the rest.  They need that time together to feel like people and to regulate themselves.   I don't think the way he communicates is only about introversion.  It is something else.  From my experience his family's lack of boundaries also doesn't help.

I can tell him what I need but I don't know if he will become more communicative.  I also reflect that while I get upset when he doesn't tell me things, I see that I don't always feel comfortable telling him things.  It's hard for me to say things and to get no response.  I also don't know how much of what I say gets shared with his enmeshed family. 

I hope to have some quiet time this weekend. 

Today was the first day I had a moment of being fully present for the first time in a while.  I cried a bit, not fully sure about what.

I am realizing that my husband's low mood is triggering me.  It is triggering childhood experiences as well as difficult experiences we've had together.  I will have to wait to see how this unfolds to see if he handles this stress differently than the past.  I will have to explore how to take care of myself and not get stuck in trying to handle his stuff myself. 

I woke up from weird, bad dreams.  I am also feeling annoyed and frustrated at my persistent muscle tension.  I am realizing how it makes sense my muscles are tight - I held on inside for a long time.  I feel annoyed and frustrated because it seems like they "should" loosen somewhat with all the work I am doing.  I am stuck in the shoulds but mostly want to feel more comfortable without such tight muscles. 

Ironically my bad dreams last night (the ones I remember) were about my husband.  In my dream he told me things he hadn't been telling me in the worst possible ways.  I have this narrative about him that he doesn't tell me the truth until it blows up somehow and then feels worse. 

Today he shared how much he is struggling in his job and wants to have a new job.  Of course the way he said it is "If they don't do this, I am quitting this week." 

I obviously don't want him to be in a job that makes him miserable.  But this whole situation is so triggering because of past experiences when he has been in a job he didn't like. 

The last time this happened was about 7 years ago.  We made a quick move to a new city (leaving his hometown.  He went out a month before me and instead of telling me he wasn't happy before I got there, he kept quiet.  So I was the last to find out that he was miserable.  I found out because his parents showed up "to figure out what to do".  Then proceeded the worst three months of my life up to that point that ended with us having a serious car wreck.  If there can be a positive side of a car wreck the only physical damage was done to our car but I got to add more to my trauma and CPTSD bank.  We then moved back to his hometown and then I had the loneliest year of my life up to that point. 

He's worked for the same company for the past 5+ years.  I completely understand if he wants a new job and he has supported me in changing jobs.  But this whole situation makes me wonder how much his parents are talking in his ear just telling him to quit.  They have no problem living in debt and having no financial plan.  They also like to encourage their kids to make poor decisions so they can come in and be saviors.  It is all annoying and disgusting and I am sick of it. 

I will say that despite having the worry that his parents are egging him on, I didn't bring that up.  I feel like I handled the initial conversation well and he seemed a bit relieved after we talked.  I thought about what he said to me for several hours.  I realized that I am triggered.  I asked to talk to him more about this.  I said that I think he should have another job lined up before quitting.  He got short with me but I think I heard what I said.

We are in a pandemic and just because he thinks he could get a job with a place in his network does not mean he actually will.  I am sick and tired of him not recognizing the role his parents play in making things a mess, them trying to call the shots, and our collective well-being is not being considered.  I guess we will see how we move through this.  I am grateful that I am at least responding differently and trying to help us not make the same mistakes.  I can't guarantee my husband will act differently but I am trying. 

 :bighug:

Rainy, I've been away for a while but I've caught up on all of your posts. I'm sorry to hear what you are dealing with. That's got to be overwhelming. You certainly don't deserve it. I can also think about my previous experiences and how those were fairly similar to your husband. I can imagine the pain and hurt you must feel as I can recall when coming out of my own fogginess realizing the pain and hurt I inflicted on my wife.

That's not to say that is ok. I hope your husband will be able to find healthier means to navigate life, use you as a sounding board and heal. At a minimum it's what you deserve for your own healing.

Buddy - I appreciate your message and perspective and support.  I am bothered by how worked up I get about something and the next day I'm like "meh."  Emotions are so tricky with how up and down they are.  Today my husband and I seem to have less tension between us.  I'm not sure how to adjust my thinking and perspective with him.  It makes me feel like a bad wife.  I have always felt that if our relationship would end he would be the one to end it.  I'm afraid that what I am saying is that I want to end it with all the things I say and think.  Deep down that doesn't feel right - but I don't really feel clear on what I want right now.  Everything feels so confused. 

I spoke with a friend last night about my worries.  I am finding it difficult to maintain relationships with friends because they don't get CPTSD.  She fixates on how I sound anxious.  For me it is so much more than anxiety.  So then I get frustrated with her and pull back.  I can see how she was supporting me the best she could - no one has all the answers.  But now I will hold back for a while because it is hard to open up and feel so misunderstood. 

I did not sleep well.  I think it was for a lot of reasons but it made today feel weird.  I don't feel heard or seen at work.  I feel like I could not show up and no one would really notice.  I don't think that is actually true and I think I am more appreciated than my brain allows me to see or can accept.  It's mostly just sad to be at work in general.  At least my school is taking COVID seriously but it all feels for nothing because I don't see how illness can be avoided. 

I hope a better night of sleep helps.  I hope my brain will give me a break and not give me so many crazy dreams.  I hope that I figure out what it is I am seeking. 

Today a student shared something that triggered me a bit.  I first felt sad by their comments because the comments reflected lack of acceptance of themselves.  I also thought how they didn't want to talk to me on video calls earlier this year and I wondered today if it was because they couldn't have privacy in their home.  Later I realized that I was triggered.  I know this because I wanted to talk to people about what happened, I wanted to feel like I could help this student, and I am still thinking about it.  I posted a question related to the experience on a Facebook group and got some good help from that group. 

I think I experienced almost all the emotions today.  Now I am drained.  I get to work from home tomorrow.  That may help. 

Life stress and my CPTSD are getting to me today.  It is my husband's birthday.  I have seen the pressure his family is putting on him about this day and I get so upset.  They can't just leave him be.

I am worn out but am having trouble calming down.  It feels so complicated that I feel like I use good self care techniques but they don't feel like they work. 

 :hug: I feel you Rainydiary, about the birthdays and everything else. Such a struggle for me too.
I'm sorry you're unable to calm and relax when you use good self care techniques, I always battle with them not working and then being afraid that they won't work. Sending you a hug and a nice cooling blanket for comfort (I'm assuming it's hot, might be wrong...)  :hug:

I'm sorry to hear that rainy. I hope you got through the day good enough.

:hug:

Marta & Buddy, the comfort you offered was just what I needed. 

Work is just too dang stressful right now.  Working in a school in the US during this pandemic feels so outrageous.  I keep asking myself why I don't protest, why I don't quit,  why I am going along.  Not only is the reality of COVID, but the financial consequences this is going to have are making me question if I will even have a job in a year's time.  This work also triggers me constantly.  Why am I doing this to myself? 

Part of it is that if anything goes wrong with my husband, I feel like I need my own income.  Part of it is that after working through a lot of things I finally feel more successful in a job than I ever have.  Part of it is that I love my students and I want to help them the best I can.  Part of it is I don't feel ready to not be there. 

But I am exhausted.  I have done so much work that might get thrown out the window the second cases increase.  My work is also paying for us to be tested for COVID and I will be going tomorrow to be tested.  Even though I have felt fine, I have a worry I've been an asymptotic carrier.  I'm also exhausted by the narrative of my country. 

I have dreamed of having my own practice and working for myself.  I have been afraid to take that step because I worry I would fail.  I worry I would get too overwhelmed and not be able to handle it.  And right now it especially feels like it wouldn't work.  But depending on what happens this year at work, I may more seriously explore this. 

Hey Rainydiary, I’m sorry it’s been so stressful for you right now at school. It’s understandable. Sending you support and comfort, and maybe something that can help you feel calm?  :hug: Sorry that I can’t give you better advice, but I want you to know that your fears of being asymptomatic are not alone, I’ve also felt this at the start of this whole pandemic.
Hope you feel better afterwards :)

Hi rainy, I can understand your frustrations. My MIL is a kindergarten teacher and over the past five years or so she's become so disenfranchised with how the public schools are managed. How it appears families have little investment in their children's education.

How ridiculous it is that it has become a necessity for you guys to train for active shooters and bomb threats? That is something that I would train for routinely in the Navy. That's not something that should be a part of a schools training curriculum. Anyway, she's so sick of how things are going she has decided to retire this year. I'd say she's one of the lucky ones.

I can also sympathize with the exhaustion by our country's narrative. There's days, like today for example where I find it incredibly hard to have faith in humanity. Our country is sick and I'm not sure we will be able to recover.

As I'm writing this post I apologize that it is not so positive. I can understand your concerns related to opening your own practice. You certainly are more vulnerable. At the same token, I have to imagine it is more rewarding. I can also understand your fear of becoming overwhelmed and failing. But what if you are successful? What if at the end of it you are faced with these challenges and overcome them?

Marta - thank you!  I find your offerings so helpful, so thank you.  I had my COVID test and it made my nose bleed.  I live in a state with many active forest fires and the air quality has been nasty...so someone shoving a stick up my nose didn't help.  But it was ok and I will be interested to hear the results.  My coworkers have been testing negative so I expect that to be my result too. 

Buddy - agreed, we should not be worrying about active shooters and such.  I live near schools where some high profile school shootings have occurred so there is a general vibe of trauma whether people acknowledge that or not.  Every time a certain tone and digital voices comes over our intercom I (and probably everyone) is triggered.  I don't mind "not positive" posts - I appreciate all sides and emotional experiences so it is cool with me.  Hopefully when my brain feels less tired I can give some more attention to finding a way to do what I like without all of this extra trauma and stress. 

Speaking of all emotional experiences today I just feel angry.  The day started with a weird email from a director that basically said people with my job type "don't count" toward the number of people allowed to be in a room.  That statement was qualified a bit but it still enraged me.  I am still a human and if I can't safely be in a space, I won't regardless of what is expected of me. 

As the day went on, I realized that I worked so hard over the past few weeks and know that we are going to have to quickly shift to all online.  It feels like a game is being played of trying to say "look we tried" for reasons I don't really understand.  At the expense of all the people who busted their bottoms to be ready for students to come join us in person.

I've had several parents argue and/or shame me for students being expected to wear masks when I work with them.  These rules are not mine and I have to operate within the rules.  I think these arguments are nuanced and families are also dealing with a lot.  But come on. 

Ad I drove to the COVID testing site and was in a traffic jam for the first time in a long time, I felt so much anger at how much we all just want things not feel so f@&$ed up.  But there are realities at play here.  That are bigger than us all but also include small things we can all do. 

I vented a bit on social media and received some supportive comments from friends.  Of course my parents in law felt the need to add their 2 cents.  I don't want their input.  It is performative and selfish.  I am still working up the courage to block them on this platform.  But they aren't the only ones that annoyed me.  Some people just want to invalidate feelings and try to fix me. 

I hope that I am able to rest tonight and this weekend.

I woke up today with a general sense of unease.  My eye is sore and I'm pretty sure it is stress related as it wasn't sore last night.  I am worried about tomorrow when students come back to school.  I hope I can find ease today but I'm not sure I fully will.  Last night I read an article ( https://themighty.com/2018/06/anxiety-from-complex-trauma/ (https://themighty.com/2018/06/anxiety-from-complex-trauma/)) that helped me understand that when I experience anxiety it isn't about a general sense of fear of the future...it a fear of my past happening again in the future.  This was helpful to me.  And explains why I've felt frustrated when people
say to me "oh you're just worried about the unknown."  That hasn't felt true to me at all - my brain so confident and is like "uh, I already know what will happen and I don't want that again."

Hi rainy, I thought that article was quite poignant thank you for sharing.

I found that article helpful too, Rainy. It makes a lot of sense, and it's helped me to view things differently. Thank you.

Agreed great article.  Thank you. That article resonates for me.  Would it be possible to discuss the article on another thread?...I am so curious about perspectives and applying it to our healing...

:yeahthat:

I agree, I remember reading this article when I first started out learning about cptsd. It was a huge sigh of relief that there was always something more to my anxiety.
I am sorry you've been struggling with the school anxiety ( I dont know how else to put it), sending you lots of care and support for tomorrow :hug:

I'm glad that article was useful to others too.  I have been feeling mildly triggered all day because I posted another thread about the article in the "wrong" spot on the site.  I am still working to accept myself when I make mistakes.   :Idunno:

Today actually went better than I had thought it would.  My husband and I had some time apart which I think helped a lot.  It wasn't super long but long enough that I could do a few things for myself.  While he was away I realized that I never grieved the person I thought he was so that I can more fully accept the person that he is.  I pushed that need to grieve deep down and it started to come up today.  I've been hurting for so long for so many reasons and I've felt lost.  I hope I am finding my way.

I didn't think too much about work although I think it is always in the back of my mind as I play out conversations and things I want to say and do.  I am part of a group on Facebook that has taught me a lot for work but is so intense that I considered leaving it today.  I was reflecting how it doesn't feel safe to post genuine questions on Facebook because it is hard to get people's tone - they may sound more harsh in writing than they would in person...but also I see it through the lens of trauma.  The particular thread I am thinking of was triggering for folks and their responses came from that place.  I go back and forth on belonging to work focused things on Facebook. 

I am not sure how sleeping tonight will go.  I hope that I will fall asleep easily.  Often my problem isn't falling asleep but sleeping restfully.  I hope that after this week my brain calms down some and that my intense dreams quiet down too. 

*sigh*

Of course after I post about what a good day I had and how I hope I get good sleep, my husband and I have an interaction that triggers an EF.

He shared about his frustration that we can't go anywhere inside because of COVID and outside in our state isn't much better given poor air quality from forest fires.  I say "I'm glad that I have you to go through this time with."  He doesn't say anything for a while and then says "Yeah but it still sucks." 

Enter EF.

I normally would have said nothing to him.  But I tried to assert my need and it wasn't smooth.  I at least shared that that response hurt me.  He said sorry but not in a way that made me feel better.

I am so sad at how misattuned we are.  He was trying to open up.  And then I was trying for connection.  And we just miss each other.  I am reflecting how my worry with him isn't as much about the future but I am feeling all the pain of times where I tried for connection and in response got this. 

My brain is going now.  All I can think about now is how his mom said she has seen my strength and how I want to flick her off and cuss her out at how afraid I am going to have to show more strength when the son that she won't allow to be an adult can't handle this anymore and leaves me here to run back to her because she is putting her weird passive aggressive pressure on him to come home.  I am just waiting for him to tell me he is going home. 

I am trying to see that he is on his own timeline.  But it hurts me so much to have a partner that I have to draw any words of affection out of.  I don't feel like we can talk about anything not just because of him but because of me too. 

*sigh*

I made it through my first day of school with students.  I was surprised at how smoothly it seemed to go and how it did seem "safe."  I don't actually believe we should be there and putting ourselves in this situation but I will say I appreciate that my school tried.  We won't end up on the news for packed hallways and no masks.

I am struggling with how rude parents are being.  They are stressed but if they think that for one second I am not also stressed then I don't know what to say.  I can take the perspective that they are trying to advocate for their student...but I don't think that needs to be done in an aggressive manner.  For me it is triggering anyhow.  I am trying to embrace working more with families but now that I open up more opportunities for us to communicate I suppose I should expect more difficult conversations.

I am exhausted.  I slept poorly last night and kept waking up.  I have learned to talk to my brain and try to ride my thoughts instead of pushing them away and to say I am safe.  It doesn't work perfectly but sometimes helps. 

You're going through a lot at home and at school atm. I don't know what to say but I'm sending support and a  :hug: if that feels good to you.

Blueberry - I appreciate your offering.  It helped me reflect that while I am dealing with a lot I am also putting a lot of "shoulds" on my shoulders.  I am being less hard on myself but still expecting a lot.  Thank you.   :hug:

I'm beginning to notice the people at work who don't have healthy ways of relating to others.  Some of them are people that I unfortunately still have to work with.  I feel worse after being near them.  I don't even think most of the poor relationship is about me but I am feeling like it is.  I hope I can find a way to navigate this as it is triggering me. 

I have had moments with my husband the past few days where I am like "oh yeah, that is why this person is my person."  I have been so disoriented over the past year.  I am working to share my needs.  I also can work on remembering that as I develop new behaviors and habits he will need time to respond differently too. 

I am still waiting for the results of my COVID test.  I thought I would have heard by now and it is stressing me out.  All of my coworkers have tested negative so I imagine I will too but my brain can't let the fact that I haven't heard yet go.

I have a dermatologist appointment tomorrow which I am not looking to.  I hope that I can find some ease this week. 

I received a negative result for the COVID test and had an informative dermatologist visit.  I have to go to the dentist soon and then hopefully I can take a break from health/medical visits for a while.

I am noticing how bad I feel after work today.  I have fallen into some venting loops at work and it isn't feel good.  It is slowly creeping into saying things just to fit in and I don't want that happen.  I notice that the people that are supposed to help me deal with challenges are getting "too busy to care" - they don't say that but that is what their gaslighting of issues I raise is saying.  I think that may be why I am trying to relate through the venting - I am starting to feel on the outside again.  I also had to set a boundary with a work friend who has not tried to communicate with me at all for weeks until today.  I think this person and I just have different expectations of a friendship and I am not sure how to act right now.

I am just now becoming more aware of dissociation and gaslighting in my life.  I am going to explore these further when I have more energy.  There are so many layers to explore. 

 :hug: I am sorry Rainydiary that those friends are gaslighting you and that you feel on the outside, I have been there so many times. But yay for you for realizing what's going and becoming aware of it :)
The forum will always be here for you, and sending you so much support and love  :hug: :hug:

you're absolutely correct about the myriad of layers to explore, rainy.  we're with you as you discover them, a little at a time, and eventually know how to be.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you Marta and San for the support.  I appreciate so much finding this community. 

I am not sure how I feel today.  I had some really positive student interactions this week which tend to get overshadowed by my interactions with my colleagues and other aspects of my life.  I am proud of the students I work with and am learning ways to be more responsive for them.  It is difficult for me to not read trauma into the experiences of many students I work with.  I would say that they actually do experience trauma and will and/or are experiencing CPTSD.  Now that I know about CPTSD I am working from a different place.

I am noticing that as I left work today feeling pretty good my IC wants to bring me down.  I noticed a picture on my husband's work desk.  It is a picture of his (really our) niece.  The whole situation with this child makes me so sick and triggered.  But I also think it's odd he has a picture of his niece on his desk but not me.  We don't have children of our own.  Which I have always believed is a mutual decision but I don't know if he has regrets.  I know his family puts pressure on him about it even though it would be my body carrying a child.  Of course that doesn't matter to them. 

I feel bad at how much I struggle to accept parts of my husband.  It isn't his fault he is enmeshed and that his family is so unhealthy.  I try to reflect on how much pain he might be in right now.  He hasn't seen his family in person since March.  Which I am honestly shocked by.  I know that they are putting pressure on him to come home.  Usually he gives in that pressure.  It's like he can't fully regulate himself without contact with them.  That makes me sad.  I try to reflect on how he is choosing to live in our state with me.  I am trying and trying and trying and maybe trying too hard.

So I begin to feel bad and wonder what is wrong with us and then I wonder what is wrong with me for always finding these things to be uneasy about. 

rainyday, i think that because of our experiences we have become more sensitive to and knowledgeable about red flags in the lives of others.  i believe in trusting our gut - if something feels off, even if it can't be fully explained at the time, there probably is something off somewhere.  it may take time to recognize it, but i believe it will eventually show itself.  i don't think there's anything wrong with you at all.  you are more aware is all.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San.  I am reflecting on how I started listening to my gut in college and how powerful that was.  In the past year my gut has been lost.  It makes sense since it is just in the past year that I finally faced my trauma and acknowledged what happened to me as abuse and trauma.  I've been so disoriented and afraid.  I have been shaken to my core and it feels like I am rebuilding myself.

I re-read a lot of my posts last night and was struck with all the pain I've expressed about my husband.  I can see how all those things I wrote are me trying to protect myself. 

We went through the lowest point of our marriage last November and December.  His brother died.  That experience opened up my eyes to not only the abusive nature of my in-laws but also to my family of origin.  Because I was deeply hurt and mentally unwell, I could not be there for my husband in the way I wanted to.  My survival instincts kicked in and I isolated myself even from him.  My husband wanted to be with his family for the entire month of December and I refused to go.  I believe I needed to do this as I did not feel safe around his family after I had given everything I had the week his brother died.  When he left, I felt abandoned by him and deeply deeply hurt. 

Yet I recognize a fellow trauma survivor in my husband.  I am making assumptions about his trauma and his experience but after experiencing the gaslighting and narcissism of his family, I think that I triggered his deepest down fears when I refused to go.  I sent him on his own into that unhealthy environment where he was trying to find comfort and instead found himself trying to hold everything together for all the adult children in his family (which is all of them).   While I felt abandoned by him, he felt abandoned by me. 

Today I recognized that if I did not feel safe in my relationship with my husband, I would not have been able to face my past and begin my healing journey.  Yes, he has said and done things that both activated and added to my trauma...and yet, he has truly accepted me and learned from me and helped me.  Today I saw him taking time for himself away from me which made me happy.  We can both grow in the recognition that we are individuals with individual needs that were denied to us as we grew up.  I realized today that I don't think he even has a concept of privacy because his parents were always violating his boundaries.  He manages that by being closed off and quiet.  Yet I hope he is finding some freedom in genuine time to himself. 

I slowly feel myself finding a new way in my relationship.  I hope that he will keep doing the same.  I am still deeply afraid of being abandoned by him...and yet, I have felt that way with him and found a way through it.  I can do that again and see where I end up.

 :thumbup:  yeah, you can.  love and hugs, rainy :hug:

I am struck by the committment you show to understand your journey.  Thank you for sharing it here.  Your description reminded me of research i came across years ago about marriages where both people are healing from abuse.  I believe that is the case in my marriage as well.  Perhaps as you mention now with this awareness you will both be able to provide in a way for eachother as mature adults something that neither received, or can receive now from your foo.

I appreciate your words and support San and C.  :hug:

Today I just feel deeply how out of step with others I have always felt.  That is just on my heart. 

Hi Rainydiary,
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I really respect what you wrote about your relationship and the boundaries within it, and I want to say something, but can't find the right words. 
Hope  :)

Hope, thank you for what you said.  I appreciate it.  I also appreciate the feeling of not having the words.  I feel your support and that is so powerful. 

I could have sworn that as soon as I learned about CPTSD I told my husband about it.  I would say that it didn't sink in for him.  I brought it up again yesterday as we were listening to a musician we enjoy that I believe experiences CPTSD based on his lyrics.  Later in the day we watched a movie about a woman that had a difficult childhood and was struggling with her adult life.  My husband said, "She has that thing you were talking about earlier."  I hadn't even thought to identify the character as one with CPTSD but I would say she did.  It was cool that he noticed that because it gave me the opening to remind that I experience CPTSD.

This exchange made me feel so much better.  I think that now that he knows what it is called he will do his own research and it may be something we can talk about more directly. 

Today I began facing my fears at work and called a parent that I find extremely triggering.  I think that by facing a conversation with this person I grew a little.  I wish that I could face my co-workers in the same way but each conversation that I have is helping me step closer to expressing myself the way I hope.  I am honestly disgusted by my colleagues today.  They make decisions on my behalf or say things about our students that are just not accurate.  If they wanted my expertise they could ask.  I offer it anyways and it goes in one ear and out the other. 

 :hug: sending you much love Rainydiary. I'm happy that you found recognition by your husband. :) sending you lots of strength with your coworkers, they seem to never know when to stop. And I'm glad you had the courage to make the phone call. Sending also healing energy your way :hug:

I appreciate your support Marta - it really stood out to me how you mentioned the coworkers that won't stop.  It really made stop and think why I continue to stay.  I appreciate this spark.

Today we had a student confirmed to have tested positive for COVID - a large number of students and several teachers have been asked to not come to school for 14 days.  So now we have to be prepared to teach in person, on line and teach students that are temporarily at home.  It is so much.  I don't feel fear just anger over how ridiculous this feels.  How long can we continue as we are?

Today a coworker made comments about a student that bothered me.  I am bothered by what she said about the student and hope to find the strength to keep standing up for my students even against people who are supposed to help them.  What bothers me a lot today is that it felt like she did that on purpose.  I confronted her about the way she talks about this student earlier this year and she got really angry at me.  Today I know it was on purpose and an attempt to gaslight me because later she said to me "You know I'm kidding right?"   :thumbdown:

I vowed to give this job this year.  I don't want to keep working with these clowns but need a job right now.  I don't even know how to think about a new job right now.  I will try to make the most of where I'm at but it is so hard. 

hang tough, rainyday - we're hangin' right beside you.

having to deal with destructive colleagues is wearing.  i wish you were in a different situation.  the whole teaching/school thing seems to be so out of whack to me - i appreciate your care and concern for the students.  we need more like you.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San - I do what I can and hope it helps. 

Our school had another positive case and we've been asked to work at home for a while.  It is so stressful.  I didn't come into contact with the person that tested positive but they were around a lot of people I do work with regularly.  So of course I am feeling a bit freaked out.

I'm pretty sure the "symptoms" I'm feeling are stress related.  It was triggering today to watch my colleagues pack up their materials and leave.  And then to be told we were not coming back for a few weeks.  It hurt in March to suddenly be told to stay home and to not see our students until recently...and now we have to shift gears again. 

It just sucks. 

Quote from: rainydiary on September 02, 2020, 02:16:09 AM
Today we had a student confirmed to have tested positive for COVID - a large number of students and several teachers have been asked to not come to school for 14 days.  So now we have to be prepared to teach in person, on line and teach students that are temporarily at home.  It is so much.  I don't feel fear just anger over how ridiculous this feels.  How long can we continue as we are?

I used to teach. I keep wondering how teachers can be prepared to teach in the classroom or online or both. Wow. That's nuts. And sorry that the people who should be the most supportive of you are making your job more difficult. Even if they don't express it, your students feel your care. You being in their lives matters. You matter.

i echo what notalone said, and agree with you - the situation sucks.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San and Notalone - my head has been spinning all day as I've been trying to figure out how to move forward.  I will do my best and try to get support from the few coworkers that are kind to me.  But this doesn't feel worth it right now. 

Today I had a dentist appointment and realized it so my first one since I acknowledged my trauma.  The dentist is oddly involved in my trauma.  While I was getting my cleaning I could feel my body being triggered.  Nothing in particular has every happened at the dentist.  My mother had a lot of stuff going on when it came to the dentist (which I don't fully understand) and passed that on to me.  My parents always took us to the dentist but I distinctly recall so many conflicts my mother had with dentists that got fought through me. 

I don't like my teeth.  I have an overbite and my bottom row is rather crowded.  I also have some discoloration due to a place we lived when I was growing up.  Working with children has been brutal because they comment on my teeth all the time.  My battle has been that I don't understand why my parents didn't get my teeth adjusted when I was young.  My mom has this story she tells me that some dentist told her they were fine.  I have no idea if that is true.  I hate going to dentists now who propose jaw surgery and orthodontics and all this stuff that I honestly don't see the point in doing simply for cosmetic reasons.  Maybe that is what my parents thought too - but it has been so painful as an adult.  If I was having pain or problems I would do something but that isn't the case.

I have honestly liked wearing a mask so I don't feel so self conscious of my mouth.  I had a good visit besides thinking about my mom and her weird battles with dentists.  I am drained now and hope I can relax.

I am feeling well emotionally or mentally today. 

I fell asleep relatively early last night and slept through the whole night without dreams (unless I just didn't remember them).  It was the first night like that in a long time.

As the morning has unfolded all these difficult areas of my life keep coming to mind and I feel some emotion stuck in my body.  I need to cry but tears aren't coming.  It feels like I am having a slow release EF. 

I will do my best to navigate this day but right now I feel deeply sad. 

hey, rainy,

sounds like you have some grieving to do when you're able to put your finger on what's inside.  it'll make itself known when you're ready, of that i have no doubt.  i give you a lot of credit for being able to realize your sadness and let it be there. 

and so happy for you that you had a good night's sleep!  i know i always feel better, stronger, when that happens for me.  so, yay!

keep up the good work, and i hope you can be gentle with yourself while this is going on.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San - I noticed after I read your message this morning and started work that I pushed down what I was feeling.

As the day went on I started to feel worse and worse because I hadn't faced myself this morning.  My work is exceptionally difficult in this time.  I am not a teacher but a speech language pathologist and have to create my own schedule around everyone else.  Very few students prioritize my work with them as the things that give them a grade are most important.  Also when we are remote it is just hard. 

This is also coinciding with a large construction project the city is doing outside of my home.  They have dug up the street making it impossible to use my garage and the noise has been constant outside my home all day.  It is exhausting listening to it. 

As the day went on and I felt less and less successful and valued, my IC and OC began speaking and yelling.  In the afternoon I stopped to do a meditation and that slowing down resulted in tears.  It helped a little but the tears have continued.

I can just hear the lists and lists of deficits my parents threw at me as I was growing up.  I was never good enough.  The pandemic is waking that up because no one is satisfied with me.  I feel far away from everyone even when I try to connect.  I feel so alone. 

Today I listened to a talk where the person said our emotions are our teachers.  I am trying to find the lesson in this but think I am in an EF where it is hard to do that. 

After writing that I realized something: I spoke to two parents this week that listed all the deficits they see in their kid and what they think I should do about it.  In addition to all the other stuff going on, I think those conversations really got to me. 

that sounds perfectly reasonable to me, rainy. they may have triggered you to remember hearing deficits about yourself.  sucks, but maybe a good realization for yourself that you can eventually face and resolve for yourself.  i hope so.

yeah, noisy construction work can be wearing, for sure.  plus, when it's interfering w/ your own needs, like using your garage, i think it's a double whammy.

i've never really had exposure to the goings on of a speech pathologist, but language is so important - how we are able to express ourselves to others makes a definite impression on people.  i think your work is something extremely valuable.  i don't think enough credit is given to those who work in the peripheral jobs of education.  getting grades is important, but there's so much more to education than that. 

and i say 'pooh!' to those ICr and OC voices.  they never took the time to look at, see, and hear you.  would it help to write those lists down, get them out of you?  not necessarily here, if you don't want to, but on paper, something you can look at and see for what they are - a bunch of hot air.  then, you can tear them to shreds, show your own power over them, maybe write down the reality of you compared to what you were told.  just a thought. personally,  i think you're plenty good enough. 

and, if those tears contain the poison of those messages, i think it's a good thing to let them drain it out of you.  you don't need that.

love and a hug filled with positive truths about you. :hug:

Thank you for all of these thoughts San!  I think this post will be a reflection on what you offered and what I've been thinking about since yesterday. 

This week was too much in general and I see how many things actually happened that were triggering and I wasn't necessarily picking up on.  So my IC and OC started in because I was overwhelmed and blaming myself. 

I have learned to journal about these things and I don't actually believe what my IC/OC say.  I think my struggle right now is just with the awareness of all these things - of my triggers, of my IC, of my OC.  It is so overwhelming.  But I learned areas where I can try to insert some self care before and after and see how that goes. 

I am also really struggling with getting my voice heard.  One off my superpowers is as an observer.  I think I tend to stay in my role as an observer and am not always sure how to assert myself.  Some of my pain this week is that I have been trying to assert and still feel unheard.  Or told that my experience is wrong or I'm not understanding. 

Another superpower is that I create space for my students to be themselves and explore their own communication.  My pain this week is also that when I am triggered, I get stuck and am not able to give students tools to help them assert themselves in the word.  Just hearing them out isn't always enough.  So then I feel like a failure.

I have never identified with the word advocate.  But I am one.  I am hoping to grow my advocacy skills both for myself and for my students.  This is going to be hard but I am really tired of feeling so bad about myself for things that weren't my fault and I am tired of watching adults do things to students that may result in them having their own CPTSD to manage. 

I want things to change much faster than they will.  I can see how they are changing for me which is good.  It is just very difficult too and I think there will be weeks (or longer....) where it just doesn't feel great.  Healing hurts too.  I am trying to move toward what I hope to carry with me moving forward. 

it totally sucks when, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much progress we think we're making (such as your go at asserting yourself), the people around us continue to ignore, dismiss, deny us.  i've come to the realization that there have been many people in my life, especially my ex and my D1, who simply, for whatever reason, either refuse to hear me, or don't have the capability of doing so.  it took me a long time to get to that, but it also helped free me from beating myself up or continually asking myself if i said it correctly, said enough, said too much, didn't use the right inflection - and on and on.

talk about an inner battle!  when i allowed that i am not always going to get the response i want from certain people, i was able to save my breath and let go of those neg.  thoughts/feelings about myself.  honestly, it's tough, tho.  we expect that intelligent people will make some sort of effort, but not all of them will.  frustrating, to say the least.

just some thoughts that were triggered by what you wrote.  i'm glad you don't believe your ICr/OC - that's really wonderful. 

being told you're wrong, or that you don't understand can be very hurtful and cause a lot of self-doubt.  you are heard here, and may i encourage you to believe in yourself.  love and hugs, rainy

Thanks San - your first thoughts about how some folks will just respond the way they will have really struck me today. 

As I reflect on my week, I am seeing that there are 2 coworkers in particular that are really getting to me.  Their treatment of me I believe is bullying and gasli.  I have tried ask for help in dealing with them and now worry the people I talked to said something to these 2 folks.  Or they are just being terrible for their own reasons. 

I am realizing that these 2 people have become my parents in a re-enactment.  They are both much taller to me and trigger memories of dynamics I felt when I was little.  I feel like these people ignore what I say. 

But that doesn't mean I shouldn't keep trying to speak up to them.  I will make sure to communicate in writing so that there is a record. I will try to remember I am safe.  I will probably stop asking for help unless they do something more overt. 

I wonder if I can create a self care routine for before and after I deal with them as I can't avoid them entirely. 

As I've been writing this and doing some trauma work my cat has laid next to me and keeps giving me love.

I appreciate the love and support. 

Quote from: rainydiary on September 05, 2020, 09:01:56 PM
I will make sure to communicate in writing so that there is a record.

Very wise. Glad you're getting cat comfort!

also sending love and support, rainy. :hug:

Hi Rainydiary,
Sending you a supportive hug, and I think it's lovely that your cat gives you love and comfort.   :hug:
Hope  :)

I appreciate the support San, Notalone, and Hope.

Today I just feel deeply sad.  I notice that things happened so fast over the course of last week that I went into my default mode of pushing it down.  Now I am processing it all and feeling so much. 

I believe in my light and that what I am doing is my path.  It is very difficult though when others aren't supportive.  I plan to keep doing my thing and hope for the ongoing strength to show my light. 

My hips have been incredibly sore today.  At first I thought it was from my exercise this week but began to observe and noticed that the discomfort was actually from memories wanting to come out. 

The discomfort in my hips brought up:

A memory of a classmate who always sat alone at lunch.  I wanted to go sit by that person but never did.  I was being bullied by other students at that time and didn't want to bring more attention on myself.  I don't think I have ever acknowledged that I was bullied in middle school. 

A realization for how deeply I cared for a friend in high school and wish I had had the courage to explore a more intimate relationship with him.  We are still friends and I admire him deeply. 

An acknowledgment that deep down I feel like no one likes me and that I don't think I will ever get over that feeling. 

These things came up doing a trauma response activity in an app I have.  These all speak to my experience growing up of feeling unheard, unseen, and unsafe.  I didn't feel safe to be myself because whenever I tried I was shut down. 

I haven't really explored my inner adolescent.  I think there are a lot of unmet needs there that feel more difficult for me to face for some reason. 

always amazing to me what our bodies hold for us until we're in a place where we can consciously deal with it.  i feel a lot of compassion for my back and muscles - they hold so much pain i haven't even acknowledged yet.  i'm glad for you that you were able to dig deep and understand what your hips were really telling you.

well done, rainy :thumbup:

thanks for sharing - it helped me make a positive connection w/ my own body.  love and hugs :hug:

San, I'm glad you were found connections to your body as well.  My hips continue to be speaking and I would like to share.

My hips began to feel the discomfort this morning when I heard my husband talking to his sister and niece.  I also did a meditation practice that reflected on shame.  I don't think I fully acknowledge the role of shame in my thinking and being. 

What is coming up from my hips today;

Deep shame around sex - my initial sexual encounters are best described as sexual assault.  I haven't ever talked to anyone about that including my husband.  I didn't define these encounters as such for a long time because the partners were people I knew, I felt like I had put myself in the position to be take advantage of, and alcohol was involved so I wasn't in the best place to make informed decisions. 

Deep shame around how my relationship with my husband began.  I keep wondering if I had felt more whole as a person if I would have put up with some of the things that happened. 

General shame about my body.  In an effort to keep me "safe" my father in particular scared the crap out of me as it related to "what boys want" so I have always felt shame over my body.  I dressed in unflattering ways and kept my distance from guys until I didn't which led to those not truly consensual sexual encounters that added layers to my trauma.

I hope to explore my shame some more but it is feeling pretty tough. 

Hello rainydiary,

Exploring your shame is a really hard thing to do. It requires brute strength and guts to do it. I think, from what you're describing, that you're doing really well figuring out where your shame belongs, and hopefully in time you'll be able to place the shame where it should be. On your father, and on those people who didn't ask for your consent.
Alcohol or not doesn't matter, it doesn't make you not consenting any less valuable. You are allowed to flirt, without also being allowed to say no. Your body, your rules.
I think that also applies to your history, if you don't want to tell your husband, that's for you alone to decide.

I think it is really nice that you managed to isolate where the shame sits in your body too. I've never even thought of that as a thing, but I think it is worth exploring too. Thank you for sharing that.

Sceal , thank you for your affirmations and thoughts.  I notice that since yesterday I feel like my emotions have "shut down" some.  I think I have much more exploring to do with this awareness.

Today has been odd.  It was hot, sunny, and around 95 degrees F yesterday and today it is dark, snowy and around 32 degrees F where I live.  I had super weird dreams last night but can't remember details.  It's also weird to start the work week on a Tuesday - I just feel behind. 

I continue to struggle with my "work parents," one in particular.  I asked her last week if she wanted me to set up a virtual meeting for students I would work with today.  She said yes.  This morning I have passive aggressive emails from her about how it's confusing I sent out a virtual meeting request because she did too and what do I think I want to do about it.  Clearly the answer is to use her meeting requests.  I told her I did what I thought we agreed on and got a "sorry" and an emoji.  Later in the day she sent me a text to tell a student would be late to my session and sent me another emoji.  She insisted on me meeting with our share students at the end of their school day (which is seriously the worst time because the kids are drained) and then kind of sabotages me.  It feels like the whole thing is a sabotage.   It's hard to describe how inappropriate the emojis were in the situations.  The emoji I wanted to send her was the one of a middle finger.

I am struggling with shame at work which is why I think this particular person gets under my skin so much.  She senses that in me and pushes on my sensitive spots.  I did send her and other people my philosophy on something related to my training that she is not approaching appropriately.  I am sure she won't acknowledge it but at least I put it out there and hopefully other people will. 

I am trying to make the best of my work situation but it stinks so much. 

I've been noticing over the past few days how I am not feeling much emotionally.  It is unnerving me especially after spending so many months (and years) of feeling so much. 

I will explore and see what comes up. 

I can tell there is something under the surface in me that wants to be heard and addressed but what exactly that is isn't coming up yet.

My husband left today for a short work trip.  It is the first time we've been apart overnight  in 6 months.  At first I felt extremely scared at how big the space felt without him here but now I am glad for some time to myself.  Right now I am having trouble knowing if my questions or challenges I have with my marriage are about him, me, or some combination. 

This hasn't been a great week.  Nothing particularly wrong just so much stress and unpleasantness at work as well as country and world stress.  Most interactions I have with others are so tense and unpleasant that I've felt incredibly alone and disconnected.  No wonder my emotions may be shutting down - I am overwhelmed.

There is always a part of me that just wants to walk away and go live by myself somewhere.  I don't feel like I have a place and that I don't belong.  I see value that I bring to the world yet it is so painful that I feel so out of place in it. 

Quote from: rainydiary on September 11, 2020, 02:13:27 AM
Right now I am having trouble knowing if my questions or challenges I have with my marriage are about him, me, or some combination. 

I understand. I have had the same ongoing struggle. With help, I am understanding myself and him better. It is an ongoing process. As a friend used to say, "People are messy." I know it is hard. Really hard sometimes.

Thank you Notalone.  There are so many layers and levels I keep getting lost.  I am trying to be ok with not knowing all at once.

I am realizing how much power and/or control I gave over to my husband when I met him.  I didn't think on this at the time, but a part of me has always wanted to be rescued and I thought he would.  I pretty much stopped existing as an individual for much of our relationship.  I am adjusting that but this realization is making me sad. 

This week I was reflecting on touch and intimacy.  I realized that I didn't feel intimacy or the comfort of touch until I was in high school.  I hold on to a fantasy of a person I knew in high school simply because we shared a daily routine that was the most intimate interaction of my life at that point.  I think that because it was the first time I'd felt intimacy with someone else as a growing human that now as an adult I want it to have a lot of meaning.  I also was thinking about dances in high school and how overwhelmed I felt at the touch of partners when we danced.  I was starved for touch...and I still am.  Right my husband pretty much only touches me to initiate sex and it upsets me so much. 

I've always been hesitant with hugging other people and I've told myself this story that I am "not a hugger."  I think that story is wrong and false.  Touch now just overwhelms me and is often triggering.  I don't really understand what this is meaning to me right now. 

Right now I feel deep in grief. 

I had complicated dreams last night where all the feelings of not belonging and trying so hard but not getting it right were present. 

I cry at the sight of the words like "family" and "community."  I don't feel like I fit anywhere.  I feel out of step and awkward regardless of what I do.  I feel eternally alone.

I am so deeply sad that I feel this way.  Why was I born to people that couldn't love me or look after me in a healthy way?  I cannot move past the feeling that I am deeply flawed.

I don't want to ever see my in-laws again.  I can tolerate seeing my parents once every few years.  I don't feel capable of friendship.  I struggle to be a wife and to be married.  I want to push it all away because it hurts too much.  And I can't explain to people without CPTSD how it feels or receive understanding. 

I think I need to rest yet there is no rest from a brain changed by CPTSD.

 :hug: we're here for you Rainydiary. We understand you and I hear you. Cptsd never goes away when healing from it. Sending you blanket to keep you safe (if it's ok)  :hug: :hug:

Marta, thank you.  I appreciate the comfort that you offered. 

It's taken me all day but I realize that I was having a sneaky EF earlier today (and likely was going in and out of it over the past week).  It was sneaky because it is presenting as "feeling sick" and feeling numb as opposed to some of the adrenaline pumping EFs I've been having the past few months.  I think this type of EF is more habitual for me and I wasn't naming it as an EF.

I have a lot of parent meetings coming up and I didn't catch how much that is bothering me.  It is partly having to talk to parents but also how my colleagues treat me during these meetings - I get triggered on many levels and it is exhausting.  I have 7 or 8 of these coming up in the next 3 weeks (and way more than that in the next several months).

I'm not entirely sure how to take care of myself yet given this aspect of my job.  One thing I am doing right now is writing down the dates I have these meetings in my journal so that I can remind myself they are coming up.  I hope to find some preventative and after care activities that will help me feel better.  I may need to add a task or reminder at work too so that I keep it in mind as I tend to go into overdrive at work and don't always attend to my emotional needs.

There are so many layers to this.  I hope that my dreams give me a break tonight. 

just a comment on your shame around those sexual assaults - the shame belongs to the other individuals, not to you, dear rainy.  we may not always be in a place where we can make rational decisions, but you said these were not consensual.  therefore, you were assaulted/abused.  i'm sorry your hips hold that shame that belongs to someone else.  hopefully, as you continue in your recovery, they will be able to let it go and send it to whom it belongs.  the shame is not yours, not for a moment.

i've also made 'consensual' decisions, but i can realize now that my thinking was distorted by irrational beliefs, teachings, and grooming that put me in places where, if i had been taught to be my own person w/ my own sense of boundaries, i would not have consented.  and, i relate to what you said about feeling bad about my body, about being a sexual woman, also messages from my father.  it contorted so much of what i thought about myself - i, too, have worn baggy clothes most all my life because of fear of how i would be negatively judged in my family.

lots in common, at least on this front.  sending love and a hug filled with 'i get it - you're not alone'.  and, neither am i - thanks for sharing. :hug:

Being a part of a family and/or a community is so important. I think for most of us, that is part of the problem and the trauma, we didn't/don't have those things. I am getting glimpses of what it feels like to have as I am trying to build up some friendships, but it feels like a long road and a long way away. Those glimpses show me how important it is and no wonder we feel as bad as we do without it. We need those things like we need air. I am not sure what you can do to break out of your isolation, but any small steps toward it would be a win. I didn't try for ever so long and I wish I had sooner. On the other hand, I may not have been ready, I'm not quite sure. I do think it is a really important, critical component of healing. Easier said than done, I know. All in all to say, I hear and relate to your pain around that.

I hope you can find a way to make the parent teacher meetings a bit more manageable. Do you know what exactly triggers you with the other teachers? It's really good you are recognizing ahead of time how challenging those meetings are for you. It gives you a chance to try to prepare and to look after yourself as best as possible.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 14, 2020, 02:09:27 AMi've also made 'consensual' decisions, but i can realize now that my thinking was distorted by irrational beliefs, teachings, and grooming that put me in places where, if i had been taught to be my own person w/ my own sense of boundaries, i would not have consented.

San - this really captures something I've been thinking about too.  I am trying to find my individuality yet feeling really bad about things I have done because of the way I was raised.  I hope to make peace with this. 

Owl - thank you for what you said.  I agree about taking small steps.  I thought I had found some people but they have their own stuff going on and continuing friendship with them is hard as they find their way on their own healing journeys.  I will keep trying especially with the support of you all. 

I made myself a log where I can try to write down what things help and what I notice around these meetings.  Today I made it through the first one.  I think that my colleagues were the harder ones to deal with than the parent.  This particular parent really triggers me because I think they are abusive toward their child - it is the kind of abuse others wouldn't recognize as abuse.  My colleagues don't hear my ideas and push me into their way of thinking.  In this particular situation it isn't worth the battle.  If they want paperwork to reflect something, great - I will keep doing what my heart tells me is right.  I don't feel like my degree and expertise matter - there are some people that think they know everything and want to be in control. 

I am really struggling with my career today.  I have made the same amount of money for the past 10 years.  Education in the US feels designed to keep people from advancing and making more.  Money isn't everything but it is crazy how this works.  Plus my district is talking about the deficit they will be in next school year - it makes me wonder how safe my job is and why I try so hard when there are these forces bigger than myself at play.  I don't know what else I would do to earn money. 

My workplace is so negative right now it is difficult to show up. 

 :hug:

Not being heard and others taking control and not letting you have any influence is really triggering - I find that I struggle with that quite a bit, and it sounds like this is what's going on with your co-workers. They very clearly have their own issues that they likely aren't dealing with. It's really hard to be assertive and push back in situations like this.

Is there other work you can do in this field? Could you potentially become a tutor full time? I'm not sure what other related jobs might be available for teachers, but it might be worth trying to get creative around this.

Owl, I have thought about private practice.  That brings on a whole set of fears for me but it is something I've been exploring.

Today I had more challenging conversations.  I got an unexpected email from a parent whose communication style is very confrontational.  It triggered me a bit.  I also had a meeting where I shared information I really believe in but I know goes against the grain.  I just feel vulnerable for speaking up and have been tired since. 

I think I keep holding myself to a standard I can't live up to.  I still want to be perfect after so many years of thinking perfection would stop my parents from treating me the way they did.  I get so upset when I don't stand up for every injustice I see or when I make a mistake. 

I hope to sleep through the night tonight.  Tomorrow is Friday at least. 

I find myself in an unfamiliar emotional place this weekend.  I feel good.  I feel the effects of healing.  I have more perspective. 

I am realizing how rare it has been for me to feel good in my life.  I would like to explore that more this week - I think I could count on one hand times my life felt good.  That makes me sad and in this time of healing and recovery it makes me wonder how I will recognize and be able to live in a place of feeling good. 

This past week wasn't great in many ways yet I am noticing how more aware of myself I am.  I realize that Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays are hardest for many reasons - they are my busiest days and include a lot of interactions.  Thursday and Friday are often days I feel completely drained.  I am wondering how I can take more care on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. 

I also spoke with someone on Friday that validated an experience I am having.  I have a coworker who is a liar and manipulates situations.  This coworker has hurt me on a number of occasions and I cannot get any support because she is so sneaky that other people don't see this side of her.  The person I spoke to on Friday is aware of that situation as she has experienced it too and her saying to me "I believe you" has helped me take some of the pressure off of myself.  That coworker's lies and behavior are not at all about me - she probably sensed someone that she could push around and bully.  I hope that I can feel less reactive to this person in the future.

In general I am noticing I am less reactive to things that typically trigger me.  I am still being triggered but am able to catch it sooner than usual. 

There will continue to be ups and downs and I am sure I will find myself down again at some point.  Right now I hope to get acquainted with what it feels like to be up and to teach myself I deserve to feel good too. 

having someone believe you makes all the difference, i've found.  love and hugs :hug:

Yes, San, it does. 

Today hit me hard as I expected but not in ways I expect.  I had two interactions with two different people that I finally processed fully and now am in tears over. 

I notice that in order to function at work, I keep pushing down some feelings and thoughts I have.  I put pressure on myself to not do that.  And yet, the way these folks talkers to me today is not ok.  I tried to assert myself and they push me over.  It feels like the more I grow and show them my strength the more they fight back.  Their behavior isn't nice and it hurts. 

I am going to start keeping a log on my personal account of moments like this.  Some of it is gaslighting and I would like a record. 

I tried advocating for myself with some administrators and worry I just ended up making it worse. 

So m triggers today are from the lack of success I've had with these colleagues in the past as well as the deep down feelings of what happens when I make a mistake.  I am waiting for it to all come down.  I wish these feelings wouldn't all come up before I go to bed.  I already had trouble sleeping last night. 

It's complicated to realize I can know these early days in the week will be especially hard but I rarely know what is actually going to make them hard. 

It's hard to put my experience into words today.  My day wasn't exactly bad but I experienced gaslighting and that is a trigger since it is emotional abuse. 

I try so hard to stand up for myself but feel like I just reenact my trauma.  I keep waiting for someone to tell me I'm bad and wrong - which silence and not acknowledging my experience often does communicate that to me.  I feel like my attempts to stand up for myself are awkward and off so then people just dismiss me. 

I am trying to learn to express positive needs but it is hard.  I feel so much anger and just want to scream and kick and hit.  I want the anger out of me.  But I don't believe I deserve to feel it.

I want a new job but am not sure how to change right now.  It is important to me learn from my current experience.  I promised myself I would give this particular job another year (by year I mean school year). 

My husband has been very supportive of late.  I want to tell him I notice but he is so non responsive to me doing stuff like that it isn't very motivating to tell him. 

I recently uncovered an aspect of our dynamic that I hope to explore more - in our relationship, he sees himself as the "good" one because his unhealthy family dynamic made him entitled to believe he is the best.  That certainly comes at a cost to him, but he has often approached my reactions as "bad" especially if they challenge his belief he is "good."  His parents, especially his mom, have often told him I'm bad.  This is all very hurtful. 

I'm trying to take it easy tonight. 

 :hug:

Thank you for the hugs San.

I woke up this morning in an EF.  I wasn't afraid but ashamed and couldn't get out of my shame.  I read some excerpts from some books that have helped me a lot. 

While reading them I was reminded of how I am falling into an old habit of being perfect in order to avoid hurt and humiliation.  Yet it doesn't work because I make mistakes, still feel hurt and humiliated, and am triggered.  I go into my trauma response and feel abandoned. 

I am trying to believe that I am a light to those around me especially my students.  I can feel safe and experience my feelings so that I can keep helping them. 

After I thought of all this, my husband brought up how his parents want him to visit for the holidays.  This is the type of conversation that we typically avoid until it blows up in our faces.  We had a somewhat productive conversation.  I could tell my husband wasn't telling me all that he wanted and he let out some hurt about how I typically speak about his family.  His comments were hurtful yet not unjustified. 

I got to work and had a text message from him.  He apologized for speaking in a way that was hurtful.  This is the first genuine apology I have had from my husband in the course of our 12 years together.  On one hand that makes me deeply sad.  On the other it makes me incredibly happy because it reflects growth in him and in our relationship.  It means that what I am doing is helping and that I am on the right track. 

There is still much to be done but feeling a sense of relief today. 

I spent a great deal of time this afternoon and evening crying.  I don't know if I feel relief.  This week has been difficult and I feel terrible emotionally.  My work colleagues are being super icy toward me after I advocated for myself and it has gotten to me today. 

I'm sorry you're going thru this. Hang in there.   :hug:

TR - thank you for the hug and support.

Last night I mostly cried because a coworker shared that a new person in our building feels unwelcome.  I cried because I know that when I sit in the space with these people day in and day out, I absorb some of their toxicity.  I cried because I was worried I was hurtful to this person.  I sent her an email to say I appreciate what she is doing and to offer help.  She talked to me today and I think that we are ok. 

I think my school is on the verge of being closed again for COVID related things.  I may still have to be in our building to work directly with students with many disabilities.  I am upset about this on many levels.  I do want what is best for a student but our decision makers keep making all these caveated decisions that make it impossible for me to function.  Because I work with such a broad range of students whose schedules conflict it is impossible for me to keep up.  And that is without being a trauma survivor with CPTSD.  That adds a whole layer that people do not get.

I feel like I am screaming into the wind.  At work I feel like the hurt little girl that could not get her voice heard over people who act like they know everything to cover up their own pain and confusion.  I am in a place where I question my own sanity and experiences and I am calling myself bad.  I am punishing myself for all these "shoulds" - I should be able to handle this, I should be able to collaborate, I should be able to work with others.  And yet, my colleagues give me the cold shoulder, ignore my emails, and invalidate my experience.  I can't tell what is mine to take care of and what isn't.  I try to hold on to the experiences that prove that "shoulds" right - with people who act like adults and treat me with respect, I have success.  It is not my fault that there are 2 people who regularly treat me with respect.  The rest............

I am pretty sure I need to start finding a way out.  This isn't worth it.  I don't want to work with people that gaslight me.  I understand that we are all under a great deal of pressure but these behaviors were in place before COVID and now they are intensifying. 

I did yoga after work today and in that time realized the ways I haven't cared for myself this week.  I put so much pressure on myself to handle it all in the moment and not let things build up.....but I am a human and am having to reparent myself.

 :hug: sending you much love and safety Rainydiary, I'm sorry your work environment is so toxic. Please take care of yourself ok? Sending you comfort and hugs :hug:

Thank you Marta, I will keep trying.

My husband and I had a conversation yesterday that I am trying to make meaning of.  It was a more direct and productive conversation than usual where we aired many challenges we are facing as a couple.  It feels like that should be a good thing and yet I find myself questioning.

I notice that my husband has difficulty accepting responsibility for his own actions.  He was raised as the prince of the home and he has a lot to live up in that role including being perfect and a saint.  He is quick to place blame for things at my feet - or at least that's how it feels to my brain.  In an effort to build our relationship our try to acknowledge his perspectives and share where I am coming from.

Yet I worry that I take too much blame on myself.  I am realizing that the only time I can relax is when I am by myself.  In the case of my husband (and most people, he is just on my mind right now) I am constantly assessing how he is doing and adjusting my behavior accordingly.  I thought I had stopped doing that but it is coming up again. 

I don't know how to break this pattern in myself and in our relationship.  It makes me sad to have a partner that does this and that I allow in many ways.  It makes me sad that I am celebrating the "adult" conversation we had for the first time in almost 12 years of being together.  It makes me sad to feel like I am growing only to get stuck in old patterns when another person is around.

I raised concerns about my work schedule over the past week.  Today I got an email from my evaluator to schedule a meeting with her and the principal. 

This is definitely a triggering thing for me.  Even though I have raised concerns and hope that the meeting will be space for me share those concerns, experience with the principal and administration at my school tells me this will be me being told how I am wrong and need to adjust.

I am worried that my coworkers have been complaining about me and that this is actually a reprimand in disguise.  I don't have evidence of that and my coworkers wouldn't have the courage to name real actual concerns about me.  But I am still really worried. 

I planned out some things to say but again experience has taught me that the principal will frame things in a way that disarms me and leaves me struggling for words. 

All I want is to be heard and for someone in charge to say, "I hear you and see how hard you are working.  You are right, it isn't physically possible for you to do the things people expect of you.  I have your back."  I don't think that will happen. 

We'll see how it goes. I hope I can sleep tonight.

I hope you sleep. I hope the meeting is helpful to you. Your job sounds very stressful.

Notalone, I noticed your post - thank you.  I did sleep until about 4 am and woke up.  That has been true the past few days. 

I have now had two very complicated conversations with administrators at my school. 

The first conversation that I alluded to previously as what I expected.  I would say one of the administrators appeared to listen to me but when I reflect on some of the things she said to me, I just see toxicity.  At times during the conversation she expressed her frustration over what I was saying by trying to one up me and bring up random points to establish herself over me.  It was weird and off putting. 

I had a follow up meeting today with another administrator.  I felt like this person listened to me but had no clue how to help me.  Really I'm not sure anyone can help me with the things I need help with.  I received some guidance from her that I tried to enact.  This did not go well. 

What I am noticing is that I do stand up for myself at work.  My attempts are just ignored or silenced.  It is interesting that I continually find myself in toxic work situations. 

I am not sure what to do.  All I have are questions.  Do I find a new job where more of the same will likely be present?  Do I leave my field?  How do I stay safe amongst bullies?  How do I protect myself from backlash from colleagues?  How do I prevent them from making me the scapegoat? 

The work week is at an end for now.  I cried a great deal this evening.

I feel proud for speaking up for myself this week.  I also feel terrified that I did.  I am afraid of other people being upset with me.  I am annoyed at myself for worrying so much what people who aren't acting well toward me think. 

I also noticed that in some conversations I did the thing where I make the other person feel more comfortable and then they slip in some insults.

I am also finding it difficult to get support from others.  They want to tell me what they would do and are not able to honor where I am at and what I want to do. 

I am trying to see the value in what I am doing and not get too wound up by others that don't know what they are talking about.  But it is hard to overcome the habits and pathways in my brain. 

I hope I can rest this weekend.  The next few weeks are going to be hard. 

Really struggling with myself today as I process all that happened recently.  Things that are coming up:

Emotional pain as I started working on more healing activities which I think is reopening some wounds

Irritation at my husband for always finding a way to involve his family in something I suggest we do on holiday

Frustration that I believe my husband's motivation for involving his family is about them not him and he doesn't see the difference

Humiliation at being bullied at work and not recognizing it as such

Fear of what will happen next week at work

Being triggered by standing up for myself

Standing up for myself and meeting such resistance

Wondering if I need a less emotionally involved job

An overall feeling that no one cares what I want or feel

The wish that I could respond instead of react to more situations I face

lots of realizations there, rainy - well done! :thumbup:

i like realizations because they give me some focus on what i'm doing, what others are doing, what i can do differently to upset a toxic apple cart.  i hope you can find some of that for yourself as well.  love and a hug filled w/ clarity and determination. :hug:

Those are a lot of realizations and a lot of burdens that you are carrying. I hope you can find small ways to bring yourself a little comfort.

Thank you San and Notalone for the support and encouragement.   :hug:

Last week a conflict with a coworker escalated.  The conflict stems from me trying to advocate and stand up for myself.  Monday morning I have an email from this coworker requesting a meeting with a long list of things to discuss.  All the discussion items are things I may do in my job and it felt incredibly personal.  I sent back some additional items to discuss and agreed to the meeting.

Tuesday night it hit me that I was deeply worried about this meeting.  This coworker gaslights me and I didn't want to put myself in a situation where she could take advantage especially since her list of agenda items were essentially her saying I am not don't my job.  I tried reaching out to some friends and got conflicting messages on how to approach.  I see now I probably went to bed last night in an EF.

I woke up this morning at 3 am and my EF really took over.  I couldn't go back to sleep so got up and started my day.  When I got to work I decided to speak to a chairperson in the department I am a part of.  Talking with her is a mixed bag depending on her mood.  Today she was in an empathetic and supportive place and it was a good and helpful conversation.  She helped me make a plan of what to say to my coworker and reminded me that I don't have to sit there and take negative comments. 

The meeting included a person I wasn't expecting- my coworker had not sent a meeting request as I had asked (which I personally think is deliberate as I know she knows how to send meeting requests).  The presence of a third person was helpful even though this particular person and I also don't get along so well.  She doesn't gaslight me, just gets super irritated with me and doesn't hide it. 

I started off just sharing my truth and challenges.  I shared my ideas for how to improve our situation- the root cause is poor communication.  The three of us got a place where we could talk and be productive.  I still don't trust either of these people and will continue to document conversations I have with them....but work is work and I have to make attempts at collaboration for the sake of the students we work with.

I have decided to begin exploring my own private practice.  I may also switch schools next year if there are even any jobs open.  I deserve better than to be in an environment where the leadership and colleagues treat each other so poorly and where I am constantly told I am the problem.  Last week one of the administrators in the building said I am too private and asked me if I say good morning to people.  It was incredibly insulting and she only said it because it was making her uncomfortable with the concerns I was sharing.  Instead of treating me like an adult, she decides to put me down to make herself feel better.   They wonder why they can't keep someone in my job for very long. 

I hope to sleep better tonight.  Even though today (and much of the last week) didn't feel good, it is a step on my path to living in a way that feels better to me..

Something else that has been on my mind and I wanted to express before I forget:

I use a meditation app.  Meditation in general is really hard for me and I don't always find benefit in it.

One type of meditation that eats away me centers on the idea that "just like me, others want to be happy and free from pain."  The idea in the meditation is that by thinking about how others feel like I do, it can help me be more responsive. 

I don't fully understand why but this idea often rubs me the wrong way.  It does not resonate with me and just makes me angry. 

I haven't fully explored why.  I find comfort here on this forum and feel like I would accept the idea of "just like me" from this community.  I can't accept the idea with people I feel like don't understand my experience. 

I would agree that considering the humanity of another could help me be more mindful but thinking about the words in a literal way just upsets me. 

Quote from: rainydiary on October 08, 2020, 02:19:40 AM
I still don't trust either of these people and will continue to document conversations I have with them....



I have decided to begin exploring my own private practice.  I may also switch schools next year if there are even any jobs open.  I deserve better than to be in an environment where the leadership and colleagues treat each other so poorly and where I am constantly told I am the problem. 

Sounds wise.

Sending you lots of hugs and support, Rainydiary, while you're going through this tough time. I'm so sorry that you are working in such a bad environment, I've been reading all your posts and it just gets to me, all the effort that you put in being shut down or you being gaslighted. Maybe you want to meet me at the Healing Porch when the week ends? I'll be there. :hug: :hug:

Your work situation sounds very difficult. I once had a meeting with someone who also unexpectedly had a third person there. This was to cover them, and served as their witness. I hadn't expected it, but was glad of it because this third person saw my responses and that I was totally reasonable. In your case, it sounds like the third person isn't really someone on your side. You are wise to document everything. I think you are also wise to have started an exit plan. Your work place sounds very detrimental. Knowing that you are working on a plan to get out of that situation hopefully will help with coping with things that come up.

I can relate to the meditation and it angering you, especially given the co-workers you have. Not everyone in the world is kind or wants the same things as us. I think there are many more kind people out there than I might have believed in the past, but not everyone is kind.

I hope you're doing okay today.

I appreciate your words and support Owl, Notalone, and Marta.  I am doing ok as a human, just trying to navigate this time.  This past week was very sad and difficult.  I received difficult news about a student I work with and I cried a great deal over her situation. 

While I feel the need to document with my work colleagues, I am also trying to consider what lessons I can learn and carry forward.  Something I hate to admit about myself is that I can be unpleasant especially towards people that trigger me or people that don't listen to me.  I think that I am not always asking or saying what I need and assume that if I tell folks something once they get it. 

I see my IC and OC at play especially right now.  It is hard to not fall into old habits of always assuming responsibility and adjusting myself to make others happy.  But I'm not always right either.  I still want to be someone that shows compassion and empathy even when I am struggling.  Sometimes that doesn't feel possible. 

Today I realized my question is: am I tired of how other people treat me or am I tired of how I treat myself?  I think it all begins with myself and I am often not kind to myself which makes it hard to be kind toward others  and teaches them how to treat me.  I am exhausted at how hard and unforgiving I am toward me.

This week will be challenging because the schedule is different at work but we have some days off.  I hope to use those days off to rest as well focus more of my energy on planning for my private practice.  I also hope I can show kindness toward myself. 

i have had the same reaction when told to 'think about others' or some semblance of that concept.  i don't like comparisons of any kind.  other people have problems, true, but i do as well, and i believe it's ok for me to concentrate on what i need to do to help myself. 

i hope you can begin finding more kindness and compassion for yourself, rainy. you deserve both.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: rainydiary on October 12, 2020, 12:00:18 AM
Something I hate to admit about myself is that I can be unpleasant especially towards people that trigger me or people that don't listen to me.
 

I can relate to this all too well. I just had that situation yesterday. The situation was about a 2 on a scale of 10, but with decades of not feeling heard by this person, my reaction was an eight. I don't like what I see in myself. I am understanding more where it is coming from, but there are no easy fixes. It's so complex both with my trauma, and in my case, the way that person relates.  :hug:

I appreciate the support San and Notalone.   :hug:

I have a few days off of work.  As I settle into the break, many tears came up. 

I continue to struggle with that particular coworker and at my job in general.  I feel incredibly alone when I am there.  The people I thought were my friends don't feel like friends.  They only speak to me if I initiate an interaction.  There is also a culture of toxic positivity in the building I work that I am at odds with.  I feel incredibly judged which increases how alone I feel.

I am working through a course on developing my own private practice.  It scares me because I am afraid I will fail.  But it feels with a shot at this point.

Today I was struck by how far I have come in healing.  There are still some deeply rooted things that stick with me.  But if I keep moving the way I am I think I will continue to heal. 

It was pleasant to have a day off today.  I got to do as I pleased which included yoga, reading, video games, listening to podcasts, journaling, and buying some new clothes.  I also spent a little time thinking and planning for working with clients privately. 

Today I did a meditation activity that immediately brought my co-worker to mind.  I asked myself what it is that brings on such a strong reaction.  I realized it is that I completely distrust her.  She also treats me in a way that causes to me to distrust myself.  This triggers deep deep deep feelings of not being good enough that I felt growing up.  I am not sure how to handle the situation moving forward as she is actively doing things that cause me to distrust her. 

I heard a thought this week where the speaker said they focus on what they lack.  It really struck me that that is how I see myself.  I focus on what I lack constantly.  I have been growing in finding what I am grateful for but have never considered identifying what I am grateful for in myself.  I am trying to reflect on that each day.  It is hard right now. 

Rainydiary : I have been growing in finding what I am grateful for but have never considered identifying what I am grateful for in myself.  I am trying to reflect on that each day.  It is hard right now.

:applause:   :yeahthat:

Here's to your finding success with reversing those negative self-attitudes that hold us back. It only seems easy, but on the other hand it's only from self-love and compassion that we'll even begin to turn the corner and move away from so much unnecessary grief that we drag around with us. It's harder to stay on course, but also worth the effort.

I appreciate the encouragement woodsgnome.   :hug:

I am hitting a wall with reversing the negative self thoughts.  I am seeing ways that I am still aiming for perfection.  I am seeing ways I am not acknowledging that is really going on with me.  I am seeing ways I still believe the horrible words of the IC.  I am seeing ways I remain hypervigilant. 

I typically struggle this time of year.  This will be my first holiday season after acknowledging my trauma.  My instinct this time of year is to brace myself.  For what I am never sure. 

I feel like I have come so far and yet still feel like I am standing in the same spot. 

Sundays can be so difficult.  I was ok one moment and into an EF the next.  I think this EF is going to last some while.

I haven't really acknowledged to myself how stressed out the pandemic has been.  I have been aware but sometimes I need to explicitly name what is happening.  The uncertainty and stress of the pandemic are sending me back to childhood where I felt small and where it felt like what was happening would never end.

I am also triggered deeply by the events at my work.  I keep waiting to be "in trouble."  My brain will not see all of the good I do only the things others say I am lacking in. 

I am also upset that my husband is going to drive across the country to visit his family because "he has to."  I don't trust his family to be taking care of themselves appropriately through wearing masks.  I am upset that I can see how toxic their relationship is but he doesn't.  I am upset that I have no control in the situation other than my own actions and words. 

I am also worried I will never feel good more than I feel bad.  I have moments and then something happens that unravels and peels back another layer that I must deal with.  I feel incredibly alone in this journey. 

Rainydiary, I'm sending you all my love :hug: . I relate to many things, but I'm sorry you're going through this kind of thinking when at school. It must take out some much energy for you to get on top of the "waiting to be in trouble" thinking process.
I wanted to add that I do relate to the uncertainty of the pandemic, that it triggers the childhood state of "when will this end? (Or will it ever end?)" (I had this especially at the start of the pandemic).  Sending you love and support Rainydiary, and even if you feel alone on this journey, remember that we're always here supporting you  :hug:  :grouphug:

Marta, your message brought me comfort when I first read it and again tonight as I reorient myself to my journal.

I've had a lot of days off work this month and have had some relatively chill weeks. 

Today I am back in an EF.  It hasn't been as strong as some in the past but it is low and persistent and it is keeping me awake. 

Wednesdays tend to be a day where all that is bugging me catch up.  The things that have been eating at me:

My husband drove to see his family in a different state - I annoyed that they insisted on this during a rise in COVID cases.  He and I have also been doing better and growing in our communication.  Historically his family puts poison in him about me and I am dreading what nasty things he will say when he gets back.  It's possible he won't but it's hard for me to ignore history.

I had another difficult meeting with my gaslighting coworkers.  One told me I am getting in the way when she is trying to lead a group.  I realized today she and I haven't ever really worked in the same room at the same time.  I resolve to change my schedule tomorrow because I am working in the same place as someone who talks to me like that. 

I am bothered by my father ignoring communication from me,  It is ironic all the hurt and pain he caused me and how his silence now still wakes up the part of me that wants to figure out exactly how to please him.  There may be a good reason he hasn't responded but even after a lot of healing he can still cut right to my core.

In general I think I am on the right path.  I am trying to find ways to be kind to myself but don't know how right now. 

I finally cried last night which signals to me a turning point in an EF.  I'm not sure it was the end as I've been struggling today.  I didn't get enough sleep last night so feel worn down.

I am noticing myself in a different place than I have been.  I think a lot of healing has taken place but I still have much work to do. 

One thing that constantly eats at me is muscle tension in my right shoulder/upper back.  There is actual tension but also psychological tension.  Sometime earlier this year when I was doing inner child work the psychological focal point of the tension moved.  It was so odd because I felt it shift. 

This tension bugs me.  It is uncomfortable and I put a ton of pressure (which probably adds to the tension) on myself to release and let go.  I get massages and try to stretch but it doesn't seem to budge. 

I've been focusing on the area every now and then and noticing what memories come up.  A lot comes up.  And I don't think I am at the end of what will come up. 

So far the theme of what I've noticed is how out of step with others I currently and have always felt.  I feel odd and out of place.  When I am alone I am comfortable in my company and content.  When I am around others, even my husband, I feel all I lack and I can't turn off the habit to put everyone else first.  I continue to feel broken and not worthy of attachment. 

I'm trying to work through my tendency to avoid.  But I often fantasize of getting my cat and walking away from my current life.  That wouldn't resolve the underlying things I am working on - those things would travel with me.  This is a fantasy I've had since childhood. 

I hope for better rest this evening. 

Last night and this morning I began reflecting on how much I see myself through the eyes of others.

I look at someone and interpret what I see as a reflection of me. 

It is incredibly painful and a lot of emotion is coming up for me.

This relates to my sense of feeling disconnected and out of beat with others.

I'm not sure what to make of this yet and I'm sure it is related to feeling rejected by my parents. 

i know most of my stuff like that heads straight back to childhood.  it can be overwhelming at times.  keep taking care of you as best you can, rainy, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

I appreciate your comfort San.   :hug:

Today a coworker I share an office with tested positive for COVID.  I received a phone call this evening that I need to quarantine.  I'm not surprised that this happened, but it doesn't change how upset I am. 

It is somewhat good my husband isn't here so I won't potentially get him sick.  But I could really use him here right now.  It upsets me that he is with his FOO right now and their needs are greater than mine. 

I am angry.  I am scared.  I am hopeful.  I am all the feelings. 

That is scary. We are still here for you.

i echo notalone.  it is scary!  and all your feelings are valid, to my mind.  kind of a push-pull thing about your husband being there, not being there.  thinking of you, sending love and a hug filled with hope that the virus hasn't touched you. :hug:

I appreciate the comfort Notalone and San.  I felt ok today and think I am well.  I will be watchful over the next several days:

Relationships have been on my heart and mind today.  The realization I have only valued and judged myself through the eyes of others has been on my mind.  I think a part of it too is that my reaction to others is often my OC which is a reflection of my IC.  For instance, when I feel angry at my husband right now I am really angry at myself.  I think I am still trying to learn where I start and stop and how to advocate for myself and what is my OC.

I am reflecting on the people I've considered friends over the past year.  They are people with significant trauma which I am finding impacts our relationship over time.  I find that I feel like I do the work of reaching out and connecting.  They don't reach out to me, so the friendship feels extremely one sided.  I am growing more distant from these folks or regretting interactions that are really just re-enactments of my trauma.  I find this upsetting and frustrating. 

I am trying to value myself and find connections from a new place.  This growth seems good and right but it also hurts very much. 

Having one-sided friendships are exhausting.  Friendships, although they are all unique, I feel should be equal. Sometimes you have to step up for them, but other times they need to step up for you. At least, that's what I am learning is a good friendship.
That both parties reaches out and genuinely asks how the other person is doing.

If these people in your life isn't giving you positive connections, perhaps it is time to see if you can make new connections with other people?

We do mirror ourselves in other people, healthy people do it too. it's part of being human and part of finding out who we are.

Sceal, I appreciate the thoughts and support.

Today was super difficult.  I spent most of yesterday waiting for my boss to call and give me an update on work as she said she would.  Never got a call.  I assumed that because I was told I was exposed to COVID at a team meeting that our entire team would be on quarantine.  I think I was waiting for the information that school would be remote or something.

Enter today - I find out that about half of my team was quarantined and the rest were at work.  It makes no sense on the outside how these decisions are made.  The reality is decisions are made to maintain some weird balance of keeping school opening despite rising cases. 

I had to redo my schedule and set up virtual meetings with my students.  I cried several times and my eye was twitching a lot of the day.  I had a terrible online meeting with students in the class of the coworkers that I struggle the most with.  I felt so incompetent.

It's interesting how crappy it feels to be quarantined.  I did nothing wrong and yet it feels like I did.  I am starting to question if my school will keep us safe as the coworker that tested positive that I was around should have been quarantined sooner when his co-teacher was quarantined.  It makes me so angry. 

I felt so much today and it just feels like no one cares.  I am asking myself why I keep doing this job. 

Today I am struck by the word "sorrow."  Language is such a beautiful and complicated thing.  We have so many words and each has nuances of use.  I haven't really considered my experience through the lens of sorrow and yet I know that I have felt and continue to feel deep deep sorrow. 

This week has been odd.  The time change in the US drains me and I already feel the impact of darker days.   Our election cycle has also been intense. Being quarantined is also a lonely experience.  I haven't had symptoms and am grateful for wellness. 

I signed up for a course on teaching trauma informed yoga.  The content of the course is impacting me.  I know I am traumatized yet each time I learn about trauma I learn something new that can open up my wounds.  I am hopeful that I will both learn things that help me and help people I work with.  Part of me feels surprised at how much the content is already impacting me.  It's hard to feel like I've healed and then to back in it albeit in a different place.   

I am very tired.  I hope for more restful sleep tonight than I've had this week. 

Rainydiary, just wanted to pop by and send you support for the work you've been doing (on yourself and for your classes)  :hug: . I wanted to add that I'm happy you can find a word that speaks to you one day. For me, language has always been difficult and stressful. Sending you love and hugs, Rainydiary for your weekend  :hug:  :hug: And I'm also sorry if these elections are taking a toll on you too, sending you much love to yourself and your parts.  :hug:

Thank you Marta.   :hug:

I just finished a yoga practice and am feeling many things. 

The work week ended with notice that my school will transition to remote learning.  All the stress and drama of me (and others) being quarantined is now moot.  The back and forth is exhausting.  Too much is being asked of all of us. 

The water heater in my home seems to have stopped working.  I am not handy with appliances and did my best to problem solve.  Yet whatever is going on with it seeks out of my range.  I notice how this situation triggered an EF and that I will somehow "be in trouble" for this not working and for not being able to fix it. 

I worry I will be in a constant state of grief.  Something I struggle with is the idea that we are connected as people and that many meditations I do offer the idea that we are not alone.  In my mind, I know I am not alone as I have this community, my husband, people in my life that I know care about me.

And yet I do feel alone and separate.  My brain is impacted by trauma and I despair that it will always be that way. 

I also try so hard each day to face what is coming up and yet find that there are situations and moments where I resort to old habits of avoiding and pushing down what I am feeling.  This results in exhaustion and depletion despite the care and rest I give myself. 

Today was difficult.  It was a beautiful sunny day in my city and I was preparing for a meeting.  It occurred that I met with the same family on the same Tuesday last year (the date was different).  My husband called me after that meeting to share terrible news about his brother.  And so began my deep dive into trauma and acknowledging my history of abuse and dealing with this new source of trauma. 

I cried.  I've been so worried about how my husband would handle this anniversary of his brother's death that I didn't even ask how I would handle it.  I think it is part of a complex grief I am working to integrate.

My husband just returned for a trip to his hometown.  Each time he comes back it feels like he leaves a part of himself there.  I question if he wants to be here with me.  I've known his family for over a decade and I know what they do.  They will never be "whole" again because of the loss of my brother in law.  So they are going to spend the rest of their lives trying to fill that void.  And because my husband is the most with it and responsible person, he will bear the burden.  They put so much on him and I can only imagine how it makes him feel.

I feel very far away from my husband today.  The past year has changed my lens and how I see the world.  We haven't found our way back after his brother's death.  I also feel like we had made progress and then he went to visit his parents.  That knocks us back several steps.  I struggle with how his lack of awareness of the toxicity of his family impacts us.  We almost get on the same page and then they re-enter the story and stir it all up again. 

*sigh*

Rainydiary, that sounds frustrating and painful.

I appreciate the words of validation Notalone.

Under all of this too is deep shame on my part.  I worry I am too negative and playing the victim.  I feel like I have so many people telling me to just go along and just make peace as I was told growing up. 

As I find what makes me feel good, I see that it isn't always what society would accept.  So I feel shame for doing what I need to do to take care of myself. 

Given these feelings, I also feel shame at my self care.  If I was really caring for myself, why would I keep recycling the same pain over and over?

This time of year brings up so much.  I would like to hibernate until January 1.

This morning I woke up and as usual my brain kicked in quickly.  Normally it starts telling me stories of terrible things.  This morning the memory of winning some writing prizes in high school came to mind.  I hadn't thought of those moments in a long time.  I remember winning being a surprise and I don't recall many details.  But this is evidence against my negative core beliefs.  I think my pride and good feeling from these moments got buried underneath a lot of other stuff.  I'm glad my brain is starting to find and focus on good stuff. 

I am noticing less of a pull to be here on the forum as much and it is making me uncomfortable.  I want to support others as you have supported me, but many days I lack the energy or time or other resources. 

Yesterday a friend posted something on social media that really connected with me.  The post was about reading subtext into other people and how that is a mental prison.  The poster suggested operating as if there is no problem unless the other person tells you there is a problem.  They found that this helped them stop guessing, interpreting, micromanaging, and processing the emotions and problems of others. 

The language of that really struck me especially in relationship to my husband.  While he was away recently I realized how exhausted I am trying to anticipate and manage how he is feeling.  I had gotten to a place earlier this year where I had stopped doing that but I think it was because I was so emotionally unwell I didn't have the capacity. 
As I heal, I see this tendency and I am trying to find a different way because I can't keep trying to do things for him. 

Today I reread some written journal entries I made earlier this year and realized how I continue to rehash the same narrative and problems and grievances with him.  It really made me see how I am trying to manage him and I asked myself why.  When I met him I was at an extremely low point, I didn't understand my history, and I felt life with him.  Yet I think that I felt his attention to me made me valid as a human.  I put up with a lot from him because I didn't want that validity to go away. 

Even if I am stuck in other things right now, I can now see and say that I am enough with or without any particular person in my life.  I have always been whole and I have always mattered.  Abuse and neglect and my little body's attempt to cope with all that hid that truth from me. 

I still have a lot to untangle and new paths to create.  Today I feel comfort in the knowledge I am moving in the right direction even if it is extremely difficult.

 :hug: I wanted to send you support to all the realizations you have made. And don't worry about not posting or replying in other journals, it's ok. This is a place to feel safe and supported, and sometimes we have periods of time where supporting someone else (other than us) isn't feasible and working on ourselves is too much.  Sending you lots of hugs and love, Rainydiary :hug:

Quote from: rainydiary on November 14, 2020, 05:41:39 PM
I am noticing less of a pull to be here on the forum as much and it is making me uncomfortable.  I want to support others as you have supported me, but many days I lack the energy or time or other resources. 

I vary the frequency that I'm on OOTS from a few times a day to many weeks going by without reading or posting. I know what you mean about wanting to support others. I feel that draw, but also trust what my needs are. Sometimes my need is absence for a time.

rainy, i related to a lot of what you wrote. this beast i call c-ptsd is just plain nasty cuz it plays with our emotions, our perceptions, our perspectives until we don't always know what's distorted, what's helpful, what's real.  very sorry about this anniversary - that can always upend us in ways we don't expect.

just to let you know, the time change affects me, too, and not in a good way.  i'm with you on that - it can be disturbing at times.

sorry about the back and forth you're going thru with the education system.  i can't imagine being involved in the school scene right now.  hang tough, ok?

keep taking care of you - we're with you all the way.  love and hugs  :grouphug: