I've been wondering how quickly other people change from one fractured part to the other. Like, I know we are all different, and have different experiences. But would it be considered normal for a person with CPTSD to change from being suicidale one day, to being perfectly fine the next day? I've read about structural dissociation, and that makes a lot of sense to me. But stil it is quite baffling that one can be so far out one day, with no hope, no wish to stay alive even for family's sake, everything hurts, and the next day everything is just normal. One can be happy, painfree and wanting to do stuff. The switch is unbelievable! Sometimes the switch also happens from minute to minute. It's exhausting.
HI Bella, I'm not sure what's considered normal.. I think what happens for me is I get triggered and that sends me from being in a decent place into a horrible one. Fairly happy and content and having hope to despair and feel like I'm drowning. So in that sense from one moment to the next things can switch around for me. It usually takes a while to get back to normal. What you describe does sound utterly exhausting. Emotions take a lot of energy.
Yes it is! It's terrible! Defenetly feels like drowning. I'm sorry you have these experiences too, but happy to hear I'm not alone in it. It can be so hard giving myself validation and understanding, so this forum is gold! Thank you for your respons, Owl25!
I can only speak for myself, but yes. Ever since I was little, nearly every progress report in school described me with the word 'inconsistent'.
Inconstistent describes my state to this day. Everything is momentary, everything is fleeting.
Bermuda: It is so unpredictable and anxiety provoking! Sorry you too have to endure this...
Bella, I think what this experience is is an emotional flashback. We get transported back to a time in the past by a trigger (sometimes there's even no trigger, as this has happened to me in my sleep), and we are back in the thick of the emotions that we had to shut away to survive. It feels like there is no hope and no escape and like there will never be an end to it. We lose sight of the present, and we lose sight of time. It becomes (in our mind) a perpetual state of pain and suffering, and feels endless. No matter how many times I've been through this, each time again I lose sight that it isn't endless, and that I can feel differently.
I don't know if you are familiar with the flashback management tools by Pete Walker, it may be something to look at and become familiar with and start to try to use. You can find it here: http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm
Thank you, Owl25. Yes I am familiar with the Emotional Flashbacks. And I agree... I think that is what this is. You describe it so well. It feels endless! And even though I am familiar with the concept, I tend to forget too! Like there is no sense or thoughts, just overpowering feelings!
About the 13 steps from Pete Walker, I think they do work. It's just that I never seem to get past the point where I have to love my inner child. I have this picture of her... she is about 5 years old, and she is playing in the sand. Making a sand-castle or something. Whenever I approach her, she looks at me with so much distrust and suspicion in her eyes. Maybe also a lot of hurt... She is angry I think... I loose my confidence, and just walks away.
No wonder she is hurt and angry, really.. I've been so cruel to her...
*need to stop here... *
I struggle with the 13 steps as well. For a long time I couldn't even look at them at all, just dismissed them out of hand. They are starting to make more sense now. If there's a step that doesn't work for me in a given moment, I just skip it. I just try to do what feels manageable.
I think we all struggle with our inner children. Your 5 year old sounds really sweet. There are ways to try to connect with them and start to love them. :)
I just wanted to come by and say that I also struggle with the 13 steps, specifically the one where it states that I'm safe. I'm still young and living at home, so that's why it's never really worked for me.
Sending you support Bella xx
Appreciate your comment, Owl25! I'll try to remember to not just give up, but do the steps on the list I can manage.
I do want to connect with the 5 year old. Hopefully sooner than later...
Thank you for helping me feeling less alone and less like a crazy person.
Marta1234: Thank you!
Hi Bella,
Sorry to hear it's such a rough ride for you at times, i'm pretty much the same although i've never felt suicidal. That aside it's an absolutely roller coster ride for me, it's been that way all my life. I wonder also what other people think of me and these big changes in my moods, do they think i'm mad ? Does it put them off talking to me ? Is that why I have very few friends ?
I try to stick to my guns in terms of being clear and identifying what i'm feeling and why, that generally helps the storm to subside. And then I often just try to be with my inner child and love him and nurture him. He's a lovely sweet little boy whose been badly injured, wasn't his fault. Angering at the narcs who got to me feels good, real good ! Healthy righteous anger is healing and empowering.
I'm sure you'll find your way Bella. Remember you're not alone in this place, there's some really good souls here. Let us know how you're doing.
'This too shall pass' a favourite slogan from 12 step groups, and it is true. I can be in the depths for what seems like ages, and, it can disappear suddenly. However, I think I keep these things to myself pretty well most of the time.
G
Quote from: Bella on June 13, 2020, 08:28:16 PM
About the 13 steps from Pete Walker, I think they do work. It's just that I never seem to get past the point where I have to love my inner child. I have this picture of her... she is about 5 years old, and she is playing in the sand. Making a sand-castle or something. Whenever I approach her, she looks at me with so much distrust and suspicion in her eyes. Maybe also a lot of hurt... She is angry I think... I loose my confidence, and just walks away.
No wonder she is hurt and angry, really.. I've been so cruel to her...
When I first encountered the 13 Steps, they seemed like total overwhelm to me and i was already overwhelmed by my EF. I see them as a suggestion but not necessarily something you have to complete, especially not if doing them triggers even more! Often for me Step 1 was enough: just admitting to myself that I was in an EF.
Some of my ICs (inner children) used to be very distrustful of me too. You're not alone there.
I see now this is an old thread. Maybe what I've written will still help you some.
I'm not sure what is considered normal, if anything at all. But yes, I have definitely experienced that. I tend to have quite drastic seasonal moods. Summer is awful for me and has been since I started school as a teenager. I think the sudden loss of a routine sends me spinning - not seeing friends as often, not having a reason to get up/leave the house, seeing people's pictures on Instagram and feeling like I should be having the time of my life when I'm really feeling completely isolated. After finishing education, I started working in education, so that's never really changed. Summer is hard and this summer has been particularly hard (thanks, Covid). It doesn't help that I have a fairly extreme heat sensitivity so I feel physically uncomfortable too.
But I love autumn/winter. I love going back to work, getting back into a routine, feeling like I have a purpose and something to live for. I love the cool weather and the changing colours of the leaves, the feeling that September represents a new beginning. Autumn makes me feel energised.
Last week, I was the lowest I've been for years. I struggled with negative thoughts, I couldn't stop crying, I started engaging in impulsive/reckless behaviour (which is not like me usually), I felt directionless and worthless. Then on the 1st September, it was like a switch flicked and I woke up feeling not just better, but absolutely amazing. I've spent the last few days on a real high. I have so much hope for my future, I'm working on healing past hurts and accepting what life gives me, I've been exercising and eating well. I feel really, really happy. I know this isn't a healthy cycle, but I've been in it for over 10 years. I'm not quite sure how to break it.
Yes, I have this too. Mostly when I get triggered and sent into full on self-hate spiral into suicidal and self harm thoughts but once I have rode the wave and come out the other side I can go back to being myself. It's so exhausting
Regarding Walker's 13 steps: I have found that when I'm in a flashback, only a couple of the steps help me, especially if it's really bad.
Quote from: Bella on June 13, 2020, 08:28:16 PM
It's just that I never seem to get past the point where I have to love my inner child. I have this picture of her... she is about 5 years old, and she is playing in the sand. Making a sand-castle or something. Whenever I approach her, she looks at me with so much distrust and suspicion in her eyes. Maybe also a lot of hurt... She is angry I think... I loose my confidence, and just walks away.
No wonder she is hurt and angry, really.. I've been so cruel to her...
*need to stop here... *
I had this thought. Disregard if it doesn't fit. Instead of coming real close to her, could you sit down a distance from her? Maybe just be with her in silence, or sing her a song, or read her a story. (I have borrowed children's books from the library and read those to some of my Littles.) Give her time and give yourself time.
You said you've been cruel to her. I'm not asking you to answer this here, but putting this out for you to think about. Have you really and truly been cruel to her? If you have been, how? Would you be able to say to her, "I know I hurt you by ______. I am sorry."?
I hope this isn't too much. I have a five year old Little too and my heart goes out to you and to her.
Thank you so much everyone for your comments! It is so comforting to know that someone out there understands, and that I'm not alone.
I appreciate every single one of you!
At the moment my days are more calm, and the "waves" not as huge as they were a while ago. So grateful for calm days where I can use my brain, and not be tossed around like a ragdoll by panic, fret and other uncontrolable emotions.
Again, thank you!
:grouphug: