Out of the Storm

i'm sticking a toe in here again, new journal - i want to leave everything that i've just gone thru behind and begin from here.

i got caught up in a discussion with my D about the difference betw. a sociopath and psychopath yesterday, my ex definitely being a sociopath,  it hit me like a sledghammer before i realized how badly triggered i'd gotten.  since she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her father, i felt trapped.  it happened so quickly, i didn't discover the extent of my distress until the conversation was over. needless to say, i didn't get to sleep until nearly 5 this morning, and only with the help of my chemical friends.

her author friend stayed w/ us nearly a week, and she's in the middle of a divorce.  she discovered that her hub is a narc, and she and i had a lovely chat, but she used the words 'covert narcissist' so many times, my head began spinning.  i mentioned to my D that one day of that was all i could take.  i'm sure my D doesn't fully understand why it had such an impact on me.

so, i'm finally out of the house, so to speak, and hope i never have to interact w/ him again.  i really do want to start over from this point, begin healing from this new traumatization.  funny how this stuff can come up to bite us in the butt when we're least expecting it.  i remember reading other's posts about some unexpected encounter w/ a former abuser, and how violent their reactions were.  many questioned their own sense of self, resilience, strength, etc. in a neg. way, but i know that it isn't us who are at fault, or are weak, or anything like that.

these traumas we've experienced, until they're firmly healed and calloused, are tender to the touch.  i've been thinking about w/ me and my reactions lately, and that's the conclusion i've come to - i am raw.  conversing about sociopaths was like rubbing sandpaper across an open wound.  too soon.  i want to slowly come back here and be involved w/ everyone, but i'm not sure yet how much i'll be able to do.  for now, one response elsewhere and this, and it's enough for today.  glad to be back, tho, if only w/ baby steps to start.  love and hugs to everyone who has helped me w/ your support, blankets, hot beverages, and grabbing my hand - your caring is remarkable, you are remarkable.  please, don't ever forget that.  thanks for everything.

Feeling so raw is completely understandable given everything you've been going through. Despite everything, you've survived. I hope that the connection that you've severed with your ex is a catalyst for further healing.

Please be gentle with yourself, dear San. :hug:

 :yeahthat: All of it!

You know, I have a lot of respect for your ability to be there for D but at the same time accept her rule of not hearing anything bad about her father. I have a picture of you holding all that in, no matter what is going on, and at the same time extending a hand or some other support to a friend of your D's and mbrs on here, to your D of course and quite possibly other people. It's OK to not respond to others on here for a day or two or never... I admit, I'm learning that too ;)

snowdrop, thanks so much for those kind words - i appreciate them and you so much.  i'm hoping the door is open again for healing, too.  i so want to get back to that! :hug:

blueberry, thanks to you, too, for all your support, and those giant embracing hugs and warm blankets you've been sending my way.  you've been wonderful!  :hug:

and, you're right - that's exactly what i do, is hold it in when i'm around her.  sometimes i feel like i'm about to burst w/ the toxic waste of it.  but, i feel it's important as her mom to not add distress to her life and to respect what's important to her.  i wasn't able to do too much of that while she was growing up cuz of all the madness in our household, so it feels good to be able to give her what she needs in greater part at least at this time in her life.

she has gotten to be more open w/ me, more accepting of hugs than ever before, so that feels like i've been doing the right thing by her.  that's the kind of stuff that warms my mother's heart. 

as far as learning to do that, it can be difficult, for sure.  i'm not good at doing it all the time - this was the longest i've been away from the forum since i joined, which is about 5 yrs.  one part of staying away, tho, that was positive, was that i wasn't worrying about what i said, too much, not enough, right word choice - all those neat-o little anxiety producers!  lol!  but, i do love to be involved and i'm glad to be back.

for now, forward.  again, you've all been so wonderful - you really did 'have' me, and i appreciate everyone telling me that, cuz i felt it and it helped get me thru the nightmare. :grouphug:

San, you have been through such a painful time. Give yourself lots of self care and gentleness.  :grouphug:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :hug: I'm glad you were able to hug your daughter!  And not worry about us.  You deserve so much more love than you have been given in your life. I am glad you are back but also that you could feel our love for You! Big hug for the courage to continue to move forward. :hug:

hey, notalone, thanks so much for that.  i think you have suggested the exact prescription that will help me the most. :hug:

dear 3r, i know you're always in my corner, and these cheers are heartfelt.  thank you always for your support. :hug:

o, tee, your kind words plunked at my heartstrings.  yes, i absolutely could feel the love and caring from here - i drink it up like a thirsty woman in the desert.  so appreciated! :hug:

feels like i'm dealing w/ the fallout and hangover of the stress of these past few weeks.  i plan on lying low as much as possible.  happily we won't be doing the farmers market for at least a month, so that'll be a break.  as much as i love it, sitting in the fresh air for 6 hrs., chatting it up w/ people, can be extremely tiring.  it's so rewarding in one way, tho, as i'm doing something i love, so i am looking forward to returning there in aug. for right now, tho, i think this break is right on time.

so, deep breath, and easy does it for now.

Hey San  :heythere:

:bighug: Welcome back. 

thanks, snookie!  it's good to be back, honestly.  i've gotta pace myself, tho.  too much is not a good thing for me - tough to not only learn that but to put it into practice. 

i'm still in the throes of my 'ex' hangover.  had a conversation about the difference betw. sociopath and psychopath w/ my d, that brought up all kinds of triggers about him.  he is definitely a sociopath.  now there's this new book out about the prez, saying he's a sociopath, and i see a lot of similarities between the two of them.  it's unnerving and extremely triggering.

i'm still on hold, waiting for the papers from the sale of my house come, the final papers that have my name removed and the sale being final.  that won't take place till the 15th of this month.  i asked my ex to send me a copy, he said he would.  we'll see.  maybe when that happens, i'll finally be done w/ all this.  i hope so!

i'm becoming overwhelmed again.  talked to my hub in mex. last nite, he's scared, went to be tested but they didn't have any available, so they put him on some antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds. there are also people there i knew who have already died of covid, and several more are sick.  may brought 4 deaths for me to contend w/, probably 3 from covid.  the count is going up in my little corner of the world.  and, my long ago best friend, with whom i'm recently re-connected, has felt ill for 2 weeks.

on top of that, this whole sociopath thing has stirred all that trauma up again with my ex, and i'm doing my best to swim in a pool of quicksand.  this is getting harder to keep my head above drowning level.

 :hug: I'm sorry this is all happening right now, and just bringing all the trauma back. I'm sending you lots of love and a gentle hug, San. I know you've been through so much, especially with the whole house papers coming up again.
:hug:

thank you so very much, marta, for all your kind and caring thoughts and wishes.  love and a  :hug: to you.

I hope your husband is okay. That's very scary and really tough to have to worry about. All the other things you've been going through each in and of themselves are a lot to deal with. I hope that this is the end of difficult things for you and that things calm down.  :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug:

thank you, owl.  i hope so, too.  i don't want to be a widow. :hug:

bach and 3r, thank you so for the hugs.  much appreciated  :hug: :hug:

talked w/ him last nite, he's going back to the doc today cuz his throat's worse.  they've got him on erythromycin, tamiflu, and an anti-inflammatory.  that's how they're treating possible covid cases in mex.  it sounds like the best bet right now.  i know he's scared, and i'm scared for him.  it's not good for me to be worried, but i can't help it.  the stress is building - i can feel my insides vibrating, and i'm all stuffed up today.  time to hit the meds.

i've now dealt w/ 4 deaths due to covid, and i know several people in mex. who are sick with it.  i feel like i'm in a death spiral, only it's not pretty like when the ice skaters do it.  i've had people die in my life, but not in these numbers, not in such a short time.  i'm basically sheltering in place again cuz the numbers in our state are going up.  we're glad our neighbor is out of town and we can't get to the farmers market - feels too risky, even tho it's outside.  ours is a tourist town, and people come there from everywhere else.  our little town is doing ok on its own, but i'm waiting for that to change now. 

i'm getting a very bleak outlook about all this, and i don't like that, either.  time to hit the medicine cabinet.

Thinking of you and your husband, San :hug:  :grouphug:

thank you, bach.  i appreciate it a lot.  :hug:

gonna talk to him soon, see how he's doing, if the doc said anything new today.  fingers crossed, prayers flying.

I'm adding extra prayers for you and your hub. I hope he feels better soon. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop - much appreciated.  we can use all the divine intervention available! :hug:

well, he didn't go to the doc, but says he'll go today.  that's the thing w/ him, and was so frustrating to live with - he's says he'll do something, i get agitated expecting it to be done, then he doesn't follow thru.  argh!  still, he's feeling crappy, and i know he's scared, and he says people are getting sick all over that little town.  it's disheartening for me, too, cuz i knew a lot of people there and they're good people.  just very poor.  i scared down to the pit in my gut.

 :hug: Praying for you and husband.

thank you, notalone - very appreciated.   :hug:

 :hug: hugs I I hope every one is is ok Ssan. :hug:

thank you, tee, for your well wishes and hugs. :hug:

i just finished talking to my hub, he got tested today, but he's quite sure he's got it.  he's already lost his sense of taste and smell.  i'm heartbroken, don't know what to do w/ myself.  can't cry yet.  i read to him, like i used to do at nite, but i'm reading our story, the one i wrote in 'crutches' about our first 3 months together, when we found each other and saved each other's lives.  he was glad to hear it, glad to hear something besides this frickin' illness to go to sleep with.  i'm just sick in my heart. 

he'll have the test results on mon.  i want to be able to read to him the whole book so he knows his story is going to be out there for the world to read if they want to.  his is such an amazing story, and he's had several people tell him he should write it down.  it's a miracle story, really, and he helped me stay alive until today.  i owe him my life, and vice versa.  this is going to nearly kill me if he can't pull out of it.  i don't know what i'll be good for, except i will bear it like everything else, one foot in front of the other, but i don't know how much stumbling i'll be doing.  this is another nightmare to live thru. 

i'm sitting here, made a few responses to other posts, now i came back here because i don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry, San. Hang in there. We've got you.
:bighug:

I'm so sorry sanmagic :( This has got to be terrifying for you both.  :bighug:  :grouphug:

 :hug: most people who get Covid do get better. With rest and hydration. Ttee works at a hospital. You jjust have to to stay home and take care of yourself.  I hope he gets better. Tell him to rest.

san, I can imagine how terrified you are and how difficult this is, especially being separated from him.  But even if he does have Covid, as Tee said, most people who get it do get better with rest and hydration.  So if he does have it, he can help himself by making sure to do those things.  For what it's worth, I believe I had Covid when I was sick in January because I had the symptoms, in particular the loss of taste and smell, and I got better after I stopped thinking I could shake it and lay down to rest for a couple of weeks.  Also, my friend who has a severe autoimmune disorder who I thought would be a goner for sure if she caught it had what was probably it, and she recovered too.  Please try not to let yourself plunge down into the spiral of worst case scenario thinking.

Lots of love and prayers going out to you and your husband  :hug: :grouphug: 

snowdrop, owl, tee, bach - thank you all so much for your support and caring.  i'll pass on your suggestions to him.

i'm doing my best not to go to the worst place about this, but last nite i could hear that his breathing is changing while he talks.  i think he's had this for several weeks - i've heard him coughing, he said he just had a cold.  he's enjoying me reading to him our story and told me last nite he doesn't feel alone, can feel me there with him, knows that if i were there i'd be taking care of him, so i felt good about that.  especially that he doesn't feel alone. 

they're having a heat wave there this week, 125-135 he said.  i've been there when it was 125 degrees, maybe even 127, and it's suffocating to be out in it for more than a few minutes.  while the people who live there are used to the heat, even these temps are too much to move around in for any length of time.  he does have a/c, but he's in a trailer, and it's like a tin can in the hot sun.  my d and i were able to find a little extra money to send him to make sure he can pay the elec. bill and keep the a/c on, just so he's comfortable at least.

he told me that one doc down there is giving a series of 10 injections that seems to be helping people.  i have no idea what those might be, what kind of medicine.  he told me that some docs were giving out anit-parasite meds to combat this virus.  they do medical stuff down there quite differently than here.  i don't think they have an FDA approval system, so they just grab some drugs and give it a go.

at any rate, i'm nursing him as best i can from a distance, but, honestly, i'd probably already be dead if i were down there.  between age and compromised immune system, and damaged lungs from years of smoking, well, i'm glad i'm here, able to help my d.  i'll do what i can for him,  at least reading to him helps us both go to sleep with good thoughts and memories, so that's a plus.  i just want him to be able to hear his story before it's too late.  i'm very sad tho.  no one should have to go thru any of  this.

 :hug:

thanks for the hug, tee.  love it!   :hug:

just playing the waiting game now.  i've been doing some editing, but as the clock moves forward, i'm finding myself more and more tense.  time for a break. 

Remember to breathe hugs sending you good thoughts and love.  :hug:

thank you, tee.  i'm breathing.   :hug:

he's positive.  the doc put him on a blood thinner.

i'm lost.

I'm so sorry, San. :hug:

I know you feel lost, but remember that most people get better. Getting a positive result means that they will be better able to treat him.

Sending you much love and big hugs, dear San. Hang in there. We've got you. :bighug: :bighug:

 :hug: hugs full of strength and refreshing!

Plus it sounds like he has already had it for several weeks so he is probably already on the mend. Think positive thoughts my friend who had it for sure said it took about 3 weeks before she started feeling better.  I hope he feels better soon stay strong sending a big hug of strength and encouragement :hug:

snowdrop, 3r, tee - thank you so much for your well wishes and support.  they are much appreciated.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

he has a fighting spirit, no doubt about that.  i have nothing left, tho.  i'm bearing this, like i've borne everything else in my life, just holding it cuz there are other things to do.  i have a deadline to meet, have to be there for my d cuz she's having a tough time right now, too, emotionally.  i'm just doing what needs to be done.

he has so many strikes against him - over 65, hepatitis c for over 30 yrs. from his needle-sharing days, compromised immune system from that, i hear him cough while we're on the phone, damaged lungs from smoking crystal meth for many years, and he's overweight.  what will happen will happen - i'm reading to him at night so he at least can go to sleep with laughter and love.  the meds his doc wants him to take are not in town, so he's trying to find some thru other contacts.  his brother has his back, which was really good to know, and his SIL will cook for him, so that's good.

i just pray that he doesn't have to suffer.  he's sposed to be in isolation for 2 weeks, but that won't really happen.  he's poor, so he doesn't have access to the kinds of services and accommodations that we're used to up here, and he'll be going around town trying to find someone to get the meds for him.  he does have a lot of connections. 

i'm just reeling cuz i've been thru too much in a short amount of time.  can't get my feet under me.  i just have to carry on.

Sending love and prayers, san  :hug:

Wrapping you up in a big warm hug. :bighug:

 :hug:

 :hug: praying for you San  :hug:

thanks for the hugs and prayers, everyone.

i talked w/ him tonite.  his cough is getting worse, and he talked to me about the last plans he's making.

i'm crying inside, just holding myself together as best i can till this book is done.  then i will probably fall apart.

watched an episode of buffy tonite, where spike says a line that describes exactly how i feel - can we rest now?  can we finally rest now? 

nope, not yet. 

The cough hangs on and sounds bad even when people are getting better tell him to keep fighting. Hugs :hug:

thanks, tee.  i'll pass it along.  :hug:

i've been up all nite crying, sobbing, gutting myself with pain.  i've had people die in my life, parents, etc., but this reaction has never happened before.  i guess i healed enough to feel this pain and release these tears.  great.  wasn't able to hold on like i'd hoped.  the way he talked last nite, he's making his peace with god, saying things i've never heard him say before, like all his religious training came back to him.  it was extraordinary to me.

he also told me that if i call him one night and he doesn't answer, doesn't call back, . . . to play rock 'n' roll numbers for him.  the one he especially wants me to play is 'i'm gonna leave you' by led zeppilin, and 'miss you' by the stones.  he has a lot of people calling him, checking in on him, but he told them not to call between 9:15 and 11 at nite, cuz that's when i call to read to him.  i'm gonna miss him so much.  i just hope he doesn't suffer - i especially don't want that.  i told him i'd also play his song for me 'you are so beautiful' by joe cocker.  he chose that when we were first getting together.

i read him a section last nite about all the pain he's gone thru, from the polio to the humiliation/bullying by others cuz of being on crutches, to the prejudice/racism he had to endure growing up in the states, and how he overcame it all to become the one everybody else looked up to in the end.  he told me he was crying while i read it.   he is my heart mate.  he told me once that he hoped he'd die first cuz he was selfish - he didn't want to live with the pain of me being gone. 

thank you all for your pos. vibes, wishes, energy.  i have none left. :grouphug:

Precious San, I feel heartbroken for you. I can feel your love and pain. I don't really know what else to say, but please know that you're both in my heart, and I'm sending get well wishes. There's still hope.

Please remember to look after yourself too. I know it's hard in tough situations.

Love you, San. Big hugs. :bighug:

Hugs :hug: San my heart breaks for you both!  :hug:

thanks to you both, snowdrop and tee.  you're beautiful people - don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, not even those nasty voices in your head.  love and hugs to you both :grouphug:

San, I read through a good portion of your journal. I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you and your family are going through, I'm sure it is devastating . Hang in there.

I hope the best for all!   :hug:

I don't know what to say, san :(  I am sorry you are going through this. I hope he still pulls through.  :grouphug:

Hurting for you, San. Praying for you, husband and daughter.  :hug:

buddy, owl, notalone - i appreciate your well wishes, prayers, and support so very much.  thank you   :hug: :hug: :hug:

this is awfully difficult to go thru.  tonite he told me the fever began yesterday.  he was coughing more.  he was pretty pooped tonite, we didn't talk too long.  i'm in limbo.  it's a terrible place to be.  happily he's got a lot of people who care about him are calling him to wish him well and check on him.  he's being taken care of, so i'm glad of that.

don't know if i'll be able to sleep tonite, either.

 :hug: thinking about you

 :bighug: :bighug: also sending EMS vibes

Words fail me, dear San. This is a terribly hard thing you're going through and I wish there was more I could do or say to help. 💔

rtee, bb, 3r - your sympathy, well wishes, and support are so appreciated.  thank you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

my d and i are pretty low energy today.  she knows him, stayed w/ us in mexico, they both liked each other, so this is hitting her hard, too.  i feel like an ox, just plodding thru the muck to get to the end of the road.  i've been falling asleep in my chair more often now - it just feels cozier, like i'm being swaddled.  like i'm being taken care of in my sleep. 

ems is surrounding me right now, bb.  thanks for the reminder. 

i had to ask the hard question last nite - how will i know if you don't make it thru this?  he immediately told me he was going to make it thru, not to think negatively.  i told him that, whether it was this or something else, how would i ever know if something happened to him?  this subject has come up between us before, but he never followed thru on it.  i think he's one of the types of people who believe if you talk about death, you're inviting it sooner or something.

last nite, he said that C would let me know - she checks in every few weeks with him.  i told him that wouldn't work, cuz the other nite he talked about if i call and he doesn't answer, that i was to play music he liked, sort of as a memorial it sounded like to me.  he told me that when his best friend was dying, that's what he did for him.  i said i couldn't be left hanging for weeks not knowing what was going on - what if he was in the hospital or something?  he finally agreed with that, said he'd give his brother my number.  i don't know if that will actually happen, but it's a horrible thought that i might be left hanging, either because of this illness or something else in the future.

so, i'm pretty tuckered out today after arguing my case for news about his well-being.  dang, this is hard on so many levels!

Hey, good for you for pushing through to get an adequate answer!  :hug: :grouphug:

 :hug: stay strong you'll be ok  :hug:

San that's tough I can't even imagine. I feel like that's I'll be me with my parents in a few years.

Hang in there!  :hug:

hey, blueberry - i actually took some of my power back and got the numbers of both his brother and sister, so i'll be able to call if i don't hear from him for a day.  as i suspected, he hadn't given my number to his bro.  this way, i don't have to wait.  thank you for your encouragement and hugs.   :hug:

hi, tee.  yeah, in the end i'll be ok - it's just getting through it all that's energy-sapping.  thanks for the hugs and support   :hug:

hi, buddy.  i couldn't imagine this, either, to tell you the truth.  i hope you don't have to go thru anything like this with your folks, tho.  thanks for the encouragement and hug   :hug:

talked to him tonite - his breathing is getting more labored, and he's more fatigued.  still, we were able to have some good memories and laughs while i was reading about us getting together, and that's always good medicine for both of us. 

this really sucks, tho.   :no: :no: :no:

 :hug: big hugs staying  positive is hard when things are crumbling. I'll hold your hand and give you hugs of encouragement when ever you need them. :hug:

tee, i love it.  i'm hangin' on for dear life.  thank you so!   :hug:

he's still alive, i'm still reading to him, but he's getting more fatigued, i'm afraid.  i know now what he'd gone thru for so many years while i was sick or tormented, and there was nothing he could do about it but feel frustrated and impotent.  i know i'm battling for his life as much as he is, and it's exhausting.

i did get phone numbers for his sister and brother, tho, and he was much more enthusiastic about that.  he used the term 'if i croak' a couple times, which sounded unusual.  and, i have a deadline to work toward today and tomorrow, so my energy is pretty much depleted. 

 :hug: good luck on the deadlines

Thinking of you and your husband, san  :hug:

thanks, tee.  today is the big push - getting ready to go at it! :hug:

thank you, bach - it means a lot.  he's hanging in there, but he was pretty tired last nite.  i just don't know. :hug:

Hugs and prayers, for both of you. 💜

thanks, 3r - we'll take all we can get! :hug:

 :hug: hope today went well and your H is feeling better.

hey, tee - actually he is!  last nite he seemed pretty good, is going to the doc today, wants to get back to work.  whew!   :hug:

thank you, everyone, for your thoughts and prayers - they all really helped. :grouphug:

deadline was met yesterday, big adrenaline crash when i was finally finished, complete w/ tears.  it was an awful lot of pressure.

you know, i was prepared for the worst w/ my hub, but not ready for it, if that makes sense.  it feels good to have that lifted.  he thinks this is the second time he's had it, but wasn't tested the first time.  at any rate, a miracle, in my eyes.  so, breathing a bit easier today, some weight has fallen off so i feel lighter, and hopefully i can start breathing a little easier from now on.

still waiting for the papers for my house - it was supposed to have closed on the 15th - i think that's the only neg. thing i've got on my plate right now.  just want to get those and put them away, and hopefully i'll never have to deal with him again.  he sent me an email telling me the sale was done, and how he had to pay over $1000 for closing costs, like i would feel sorry for him?  i don't know, but i don't care.  just leave me alone!

so, therapy this morning, some chores during the day, but i'm looking forward to maybe being able to heal from all this?  could that be possible? 

It's possible and you will!

Good news about your H.
:bighug:

 :hug: :cheer: yeah about your hubby and your deadlines. You will heal from this too !!
  You are a strong powerful woman who has many friends here cheering her on. I'm glad things are starting to look up for you! :hug:

So glad to hear some better news from you, san! I continue to send love and good wishes  :hug:

Great news congrats San!

Congrats on meeting your deadline. Glad your husband is starting to feel better. That is encouraging.  :hug:

snowdrop, love the encouragement - thanks :hug:

tee, looks like healing will have to take a back seat again.  my hub isn't doing well, sounded pretty bad tonite.  thanks for the encouragement :hug:

bach, thanks for the love and well wishes, much appreciated. :hug:

thanks, buddy.  unfortunately, it lasted about half a day, till i heard about the doc's report.  his lungs are filling up.  :hug:

hey, notalone, thank you.  too bad his feeling better didn't last very long.   :hug:

so, it's nearly 2 a.m., am filled with trepidation again.  he said he didn't sleep well last nite cuz his breathing was labored, he's on some corticolsteroid to help reduce the inflammation in his lungs, but he sounded quite ill tonite.   this is a terrible illness, and i hope no one else ever gets it, but the numbers are going up.  i'm sick in my heart.

thank you all for being with me as i go thru this.  we still have an extra round of proofreading to do, but i think between the 2 of us, we'll get it done in time.  the main manuscript is uploaded on time, and we have 3 days for corrections - there's always a punctuation mark or some small thing we miss the first 2-3 times thru., what with the changes that get made.  i don't know how much stamina i have left, tho.  my H's setback drained me again today.  lots of stress and tension in my body, and i feel pretty bad. 

 :hug: hugs hang in there San he'sa fighter's keep fighting with him. Here with you. :hug:

I want to give you some hope, San, and tell you my bro in law was sick with Covid-19 and has almost completely recovered now, although it took a while. He did feel as though he was near death at one point but pulled through. I'll join you in hoping for the best for your hubby.  :hug: :hug:

yes, tee, he is a fighter, and my d and i are fighting right alongside him.  i could just tell he was scared, too, last nite, cuz he'd already mentioned in the beginning that he thought he'd be ok if it didn't get to his lungs.  neither of us have been kind to our lungs over the years.  gonna start a new book w/ him tonite - i know he's really been enjoying that.  he and i have leaned on each other for nearly 20 yrs., and we're not letting distance tear that apart.  thank you for being with me - so appreciated, i don't have words. :hug:

thanks for the hope, 3r.  i know, and so does he, people who have come back from this, as well as people who haven't.  i'm spending a lot of time praying, sending him music videos - music is part of his soul - and checking in w/ him.  glad to have you by my side.  i've never consistently cried over something in my life, no matter what it was.  the sadness that he has to go thru this, be scared by it, is suffering mental and well as physical pain just breaks my heart, and overflows.  i just can't hold it in.  my eyes keep leaking. :hug:

Here with you, San. We all are. Sending you all love and hugs of support. :grouphug:

Let your eyes "leak." Covid in Mexico was in today's newspaper. Prayed for both of you.

 :hug: let your eyes leak it's scary times it will let you be stronger for him when your talking with him.  Here with you hugs. :hug:

snowdrop, i'm squeezing every last ounce of love and support being sent - it's really helping me stay afloat.  thank you so much. :hug:

yeah, notalone, covid in mexico is not a good thing.  he's struggling with getting enough good meds, and the ones that are better than he's being offered are too expensive.  their health ins. sucks down there - i know that from experience!  he was offered 3 injections thru his ins. of the steroids to break up the inflammation in his lungs, had to buy 2 more on his own.  the radiologist didn't have the right equipment or something to do an x-ray, so he's been waiting 2 days now - hopefully today.  then the doc can at least see what we're dealing with. 

happily, he has a lot of friends that are helping him out.  i'm so grateful for that.  we sent him some money to make sure he could pay his elec. bill so he could keep his a/c running - he said it was over 120 there yesterday.  it's not ideal to be sick in mexico, unless you have a lot of money - then you go to the states to get taken care of!  thanks for the prayers, too.   :hug:

hey, tee, i think you're right.  i've been able to hold it together pretty well while talking to him at nite, even tho i'm hearing him cough, struggle to breathe right.  i know he's scared - his bravado is gone, his personality is really down.  leaking right now thinking about it.  i so appreciate you, your hugs and support as i'm going thru this.  it means the world. :hug:

honestly, i check here every day, and i see support from you wonderful people, and it helps lift me, gives me strength to get thru another day, and the energy you're all sending is keeping my head above water, too.  my d and i are now doing the last 2 rounds of proofreading, they have to be done tomorrow - yeah, another deadline!  this author stuff has lots of them! - so the support and energy you're all providing me with is helping me be able to think, focus, and concentrate as well.  i don't have enough words for my gratitude towards you.  thanks ever so!   :grouphug:

 :hug: you can do it  I big hug of encouragement.  :hug:

Still here and thinking of you and your family, san, and still sending love and prayers.  :hug:

tee, thanks for all your support - i'm leaning on it heavily right now :hug:

bach, thank you for your love and prayers - they're really helping. :hug:

he's getting worse, the x-ray guy still didn't get the plates he needs, so my hub has been going out every day to find him and find this out.  they don't use phones down there the same way we use them - it's so much driving to offices or homes to find the people you need to see.  he didn't want to laugh last nite cuz it starts him coughing and it now hurts to cough.  that broke my heart again cuz making each other laugh, laughing together was always a good thing.

i'm in the final countdown of this proofreading, and am finding it difficult to stay on task.  thoughts of him keep floating in, and i'll finish passages that i have no idea what they contained, have to read them over.  i should be finished in about an hour, but if my d has questions on something i highlighted, i'll still have to get my brain together to think on it. 

a friend of my d's who works in a hospital asked why he wasn't intubated and in a hosp. if he's having problems breathing.  i guess that's not how they do it down there.  besides, the hosp. it 125 mi. away, and he has no car that will make the trip.  she was shocked to find out he was still at home.  plus, he was hit by polio at 3, and lived in hospitals too many years as a kid where he didn't know the language and was in a foster home in the states.  i don't think he wants to go to one unless there's no other option.

ugh!  just one more hour to hang on, and this book stuff will be mostly done for me.  i've already spent a good portion of this morning crying.  leaking it out, as has been recommended, so it doesn't come out when i'm talking to him.  it's so frustrating, the lack of care down there, so different from here.  i hate it!

 :hug:

just talked to my ex, he finally got the x-ray done and has had his 3rd injection of steroids, so the pictures came out looking ok.  he's still coughing, has to go see the doc, see what she has to say.  maybe this is a relief for him - i hope so.

finished the book stuff, hopefully i can relax the rest of the day, get some rest. 

thanks, notalone, for the hug.  loved it!   :hug:

 :hug: glad the X-ray looks good.  Keep hanging on.  I'm hanging with you. Hope he continues to fight through this. :hug:

That's good about the x-ray. Hang in there.
:bighug:

 :bighug:

 :hug:

thank you all for sticking with me - your ongoing support is priceless!  love and hugs to all of you :grouphug:

he couldn't talk much last nite cuz it causes him to cough, which is getting worse.  my heart is breaking for him having to go thru this.  he's trying to stay brave, but hearing him even say that tells me he's scared.  his meds got upped, too. 

thank heaven the book is finally done, so i only have to have him on my mind.  that's enough, i know.  taking the weekend off as best i can.  i am so very sad.

all those big hugs remind me of ems embracing me, gathering me in to help comfort and protect me.  just love them.  it's something i didn't get very much of in my life, and i find i still crave it.  i wonder if that's ever going to not be a thing for me.

 :bighug: :bighug:

 :hug: :grouphug:

 :hug: thinking of you my friend hoping things start to turn around for you, and H!  Hope he is feeling better soon! :hug:

blueberry, absolutely wonderful, those hugs.  thanks! :hug:

notalone, thank you so much - i love all the hugs!  :hug:

tee, thank you for all your support while we're going thru this.  so appreciated. :hug:

will call him in a little bit.  his doc told him he's to stay at home for 2 more weeks.  i just keep leaking every so often (thanks, tee) and one foot in front of the other.

our neighbor asked my d the other day if we were still going to the farmers market, she said no, cuz the numbers started climbing again here and we wanted to stay safe.  he began talking to her about testing, whether the numbers are correct, if the tests work, and on and on.  i thought - i don't care about any of that - i know 3 people who died of it in may, 1 in june, 2 more family members are being treated for it, and now i'm wrestling with it thru my hub.  those numbers are enough for me to know this is something to be cautious about.  too many emotions to deal with.  getting triggered all the time.

Big understanding hug!  :hug: It is better safe than sorry for sure!  Try and get some rest San you need to e rested to stay healthy!!! :hug:

thanks for the understanding, tee.  i appreciate it.  a lot.  i am resting as much as i can, too.  i know that's necessary to stay healthy. :hug:

 :hug:

Sending lots of love your way, San  :hug: :hug: You are dealing with so much and I am glad you are being safe/cautious. Know the ems is always with you when you need her or want her. I can feel her warmth that surrounds you and those you care about.

tee, thank you for the ongoing hugs and support.   :hug:

elphanigh, thanks for the validation on being cautious, and for your love and the reminder about ems.  she is here, helping me stay sane, as are all of you.  love and hugs back atcha! :hug:

my hub called, asked if we could not do our thing tonite, that he was very tired.  turns out that some well-meaning friend gave him an oximeter to measure the amount of oxygen he was taking in, and the reading was very low.  then, this friend and his wife began hounding him to see his doc right away, and was basically scaring the crapola out of him.  after several hours of this, the guy discovered the appliance wasn't working correctly.  all that fear for nothing!

he also had to deal w/ some drunk friend of his who's been calling him, and he didn't want to talk to the friend the past few days, so didn't call him back.  today, for some reason, he answered the friend's call, who promptly began asking him where's he's been and is he dead?!!!  so, that agitated my hub, and basically exhausted him, trying to tell the guy not to call when he's drunk, that he's sick, and doesn't want to answer every call.

i got so angry about these people, i can't sleep, so i thought i'd write it out here instead.  i swear, people can be so weird sometimes.  i was able to calm him down a bit, he was feeling better by the time we hung up, but man alive, the lack of respect is appalling!!!  grrrr! :pissed:

just needed to dump this somewhere so i can maybe get some sleep.  if not, at least i feel better getting it out.  thanks for listening. :grouphug:

What a rough day for your husband! It's so hard when friends become a problem like that, especially when they're trying to help but make things worse. Friendship can be so tricky in times of trouble. It's good that you were able to calm him down, especially since rest and relaxation are so important for covid recovery.

Still thinking of you and sending hugs, hoping so much for good news every time I open this thread. I hope you are holding up okay. Lots of love and good wishes  :hug:

thank you my dear bach - you're so right.  i so appreciate your support and well wishes while i'm dealing with this and for his recovery.   :hug:

 :hug: yeah when the little things wear you out, dealing with stupid drains you for sure.  Hugs! Glad he was feeling a little better by the time you got off the phone.  Big hug hope he continues to better little by little :hug:

Hugs to you and your H!

thanks, tee.  you made me smile about having to deal w/ 'stupid' on top of everything else.  it's so true, isn't it!   :hug:

thank you, 3r.  so very much appreciated. :hug:

hub is holding on so far - he's tired earlier at nite, but he's got everything he needs and it seems like the doc he has is doing a good job.  that's all i can hope for.

therapy this morning.  you know, even tho i created a program, wrote a book about food/eating issues, this will be the first time i'll have someone to help me with the underlying issues that are going on.  i talked about all the connections there are w/ eating, sleep, relationships, boundaries, expectations, and having time for myself - it's a big tangled mess that's been going on for about 50 yrs.  so many different aspects surround my eating patterns, including poverty.

as it turns out, while we talked i was able to link a lot of my own eating patterns to anxiety - how disturbed i feel inside if i don't eat enough or the specific foods i want.  she told me that a lot of anxiety revolves around eating - she's seen a connection between anxiety and food over and over.  when i hung up, tears sprung to my eyes - i felt so relieved that i was finally going to get some help with this.  how we'll untangle it all remains to be seen, but i'm hopeful and so glad i now have an ally by my side to tackle all of this.

i know it's going to be a bumpy ride, but i do believe there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.

San, I am glad to hear your husband has everything he needs. I imagine that is a sort of relief to know  :hug:

It is great to know you are going to get help untangling the mess. Food and anxiety are so super related, and it will be good to have someone in your corner while you address it. Know that we are all in your corner as well, cheering you on through the hard work. It is always bumpy and messy but worth it as we grow stronger and build more peace in our lives.

Sending lots of love  :hug:

 :hug: hugs hope things get better.

hey, el.  you're right - it did relieve some of the anxiety, knowing that.  thanks for the love and encouragement - it's good to know i've got my peeps in my corner!   :hug:

thanks, tee, for all your support.  love it, love you! :hug:

good day today - it's nice to feel good, even if only for a couple hours, altho i do have splashes of nervousness thinking about getting into the issues we went over - there are so many of them!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 28, 2020, 11:17:37 PM
good day today - it's nice to feel good, even if only for a couple hours

:cheer: for feeling good, even if only in the short-term! You've been working so hard and then having so many things happen, that it's great to hear that you can feel good when things have settled / you've had some T support.  :hug:

 :hug: yeah for feeling better

Love to you, san  :hug:

I know albeit delayed, but I'm glad to hear you had a good day san!

whew, the forum glitched on my computer the last 3 days.  i re-logged in, finally, so i'm back.

just want to say thank you to blueberry, tee, bach, and buddy, for your continuing support, love, and well wishes.   :grouphug: 

yesterday i got totally stressed out cuz my hub seemed to be going downhill.  this limbo crapola is for the birds!

an interesting phenomenon happened during therapy on fri.  we were tackling my nervousness/anxiety/fear about going to sleep - what's been happening is that when i slow down enough to go to bed, the neg. thoughts about people/situations come roaring in.  lately, i've been sitting in my recliner, falling asleep in front of the tv cuz moving to the bed made me wake up enough to give my brain time to gather those thoughts that i'd been distracting myself from.

anyway, nothing was happening while i did a set of eye movements, so my t suggested i kind of split myself, pretend i was looking at myself sitting in my chair and feeling nervous about going to bed.  what came to my mind surprised the socks off me!  the other me immediately began criticizing the frightened me - don't be so silly, that's stupid, - things such as that.  a total tirade of criticisms! 

i was shocked, cuz that was something i've never really done to myself.  i've mentioned before that i haven't had a lot of experience w/ ICr stuff like i've read so many others have, can't remember really saying such things to myself or hearing them in my head.  well, apparently, they've been there all along, but buried so deep that i never heard them!  it startled and disturbed me no end.

while i was telling her all this, my dad popped into my head, and we both knew that he was the source.  i mentioned again that his critical perspective toward me must've been happening since i was a baby, at which time the words 'i couldn't even 'do' baby right' came out of my mouth.  more memories, then, especially since the forceps they used on me when i was being born cut my face close to my left eye, so i'm sure i was all puffy, bloody, black and blue, etc.  i heard several times during my life from my dad 'you were the ugliest baby i've ever seen!'

no cooing over the precious little miracle, how cute she is, and never once have i ever heard any compassion for having gone thru such a traumatizing experience, even before i was born!  no 'poor little thing', or like, from my mom 'i felt so bad for you', none of that.  just how ugly i was.  no wonder i used men as a means to try to feel beautiful.  and even tho i've been told many times by men that they thought i was pretty, i never felt it, never had that kind of esteem about my looks or attractiveness.  i was completely unaware, ignorant of myself from forever.

i can look back on pics of myself now and see it, but never could at the time.  at any rate, we did another set of eye movements where i told myself on the chair much more compassionate things like, 'of course you're scared - those thoughts are horrible!' and 'anyone would be nervous if that's what they were looking forward to at bedtime'.  it made all the difference, and i've been able to move to my bed when i begin falling asleep on my chair the last 3 nites. 

so, there are still a lot of miles to walk on this road, but my t, besides swearing under her breath at what my dad told me about myself, also believes that the arrogance i've wrapped around myself for much of my life was part of what kept me alive.  when i thought of it, i do believe that the criticism of myself, if that had been a regular part of my thinking, would have, indeed, been too much for me to survive.  too sensitive for that.

so, it was a good session, tough, but so far no neg. aftermath.  i'm still worrying about my hub, tho, and it overwhelmed me yesterday.  i think he's worse than what he's letting on to me, and i told my d that i'm not going to press him on it cuz it might be too much for him to admit.  it may be his way of helping himself stay strong.  i'm waiting to see what the doc says today.  ugh, this part is absolutely horrible.  but, i'm glad i'm able to read to him every nite - he's enjoying that a lot, and it relaxes him, gets him sleepy.  at least it's something i can do for him.  i feel pretty helpless, tho.

 :hug: San it sounds like you made a big step I'm glad you've been able to go to bed. I'm sorry your H still isn't doing well I hope he will start to get better soon!  Big hugs :hug:

thanks, tee.  so appreciate your support for me.   :hug:

feeling sick today, so won't be doing much.  just gotta ride all this out.  too much stress.  dang, will it never end? :stars:

 :hug: :hug:

Thinking of you.

 :hug: thinking of you hope you feel better :hug: get some rest

bach and tee - i get so much strength from your thoughts and well wishes.  thank you so.   :hug:   :hug:

better today.  sometimes i forget how much therapy processing can take out of me.  i can get pretty tired from it, and even tho it seems like the processing itself went quite easily and smoothly, it's still taking a lot of energy from my brain to actually do it.  so, that's stressful in itself.  w/ my hub's condition on top of it, i have to remind myself that i'm carrying a lot.

I'm glad you're feeling better today. Yes, you're carrying an awful lot. :hug:

thanks for the validation, snowdrop.  much appreciated, and a good check for myself to see if i'm seeing things as they actually are. :hug:

well, cautiously hopeful for my hub.  he finished his 2 weeks of treatment, the doc told him he made it thru, that a lot of people don't.  he's got an appt. w/ her on mon., and he wants to get tested to see if he's clear of the virus now or what.  he also was able to admit that he's scared to go out there again, but he's got to get back to work as soon as he can.  it's tough when you don't have money.  we'll see what happens after he gets tested again.  fingers crossed and prayers flying!

Hi San, I wanted to pop by and just send my support. I haven't been able to reply in your journal for personal reasons, but every time you updated us I was so glad that your hub is doing better and I've been praying that it continues so. Sending you so much support and love, and as you said before, the emotions and things on your mind are feeling like a lot.
:hug:

Hi SanMagic,
You've been through so much, and I want to send you a hug  :hug:  Wishing your hub the best, and glad you're cautiously hopeful for him.  Understandable that he's scared to go out there again, but fingers crossed for him. 
Hope  :)

marta, so sweet of you to stop by - love the well wishes and hug.  thanks! :hug:

hope, as always, great to hear from you.  i appreciate the support and hug.  thanks :hug:

well, down in the hole again.  i've got therapy this morning, so hopefully that'll help.  i got the final papers for the house yesterday, scanned them slightly, i'm erased from that whole thing now - just his name on the papers, and i was thinking 'ah, closure at last!'.  put them all out in the garage, cuz i don't want that toxic mess in the house.  took a shower to wash the closure crud off, said good-bye to my ex (among a few other choice words), and i suddenly found myself in the midst of a full-blown panic attack!

never had one before - i've had anxiety attacks, but this was completely different.  my heart began pounding as if i'd run a mile uphill, couldn't finish dressing, had to go to my room and sit down.  what a horrible experience!  i thought i'd feel better, lighter, cleaner after getting this house thing and my ex finally out of my life, but this happened instead.  any guesses? 

my hub is finished w/ his treatment today, says he's feeling better.  i've been reading to him every nite, a couple chapters, and he's been loving that.  i mentioned that i'd finish the book with him, then after he is back to work, we can go back to a couple times a week.  he began pushing for continuing this every nite.  i hemmed and hawed, tho - i can't keep this up.  the stress of 'having' to do something every nite at a certain time is way too stressful.  so, i'll stick to my boundary on this, but i'm gonna have to fight for it - more energy expended.

i'm feeling so depleted.  will this never end? 

Sending large boundary-setting  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:     Maybe some EMS wuld help you atm too?

love the hugs, blueberry - thanks ever so.  they were just right.  i think a shot of EMS would be wonderful right now.

looks like i'm gonna be calling a shrink, probably mon.  i can't do this w/o help.  i explained my meds history to my t, xanax has been the only one that has helped me consistently, but the last med prescriber put me on an anti-dep instead, which took my legs out in 3 days.  my t assures me this other shrink, one in private practice, will be cool, had no warnings about her.

she thinks trying some nightmare med would be helpful for me as well.  maybe it'll help me w/ my sleep, too.  my t was shocked that i'd been on anti-psychotics at one time for having hallucinations.  i don't think she realized what a mess i've truly been.  near the edge of my sanity?  o yeah.  it's why i'm so afraid of losing that part of me, even more than my life.  sanity is life to me.  so, i'm gonna rest for the weekend, make the call on mon.  i just didn't feel like talking to a stranger today - no energy.

much love to you all :grouphug:  i'm outta here - again - for at least a few days.

Sending you love and good thoughts as always, san.   :hug:

I really like this hug to symbolise setting boundaries.  I'm seeing it as establishing the needed space around you and then giving yourself a big accepting and loving self-hug :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Hang in there, friend.

I'm glad your hub is starting to feel better.  I hope you get things under control soon.  Hugs! :hug:

I have no words for how exhausted you must feel.  :'(  sending you care and a big fat  :hug:

San, sending you lots of love and hugs. So glad your husband is feeling better. I know things are really hard.  :hug:

breakdown - out of commission

 :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug: :hug:

 :hug:

Hang in there san!

 :hug: oh San we are here to help hold you up! I hope you can find some rest so that you can recoup some and do some much needed self care. I'm bring you a cozy blanket and some tea for you to go to the healing porch and sit with me for a while I like the porch swing, to sway slowly but if you don't you pick the spot and I'll shout with you!  Big hug San I'm here! :hug:

Hang in there San, we're here for you through it all :hug: :hug:

snowdrop, bach, blueberry, buddy, tee, marta - i can't express all my gratitude for you, your support, and your hugs.  you truly did help to hold me up while i've gone thru this, and i appreciate all of you so much!  thank you from my heart  :grouphug:

my hub is feeling better, but is still taking meds to make sure he doesn't get a blood clot that might get into his lungs, which were the worst hit.  talked to him last nite and it was such a relief to hear him not coughing!  thank you, god.  he told me that people in town are so sick, lots dying, and going to funerals (which are all night vigils there, plus the burial the next day), so it's getting spread all over the place.  he's hoping not to have to go back to work till at least the middle of next month.  he's had a lot of people help him financially. for which i'm also eternally grateful.

i am finally better, yay!, but this was the worst breakdown i've had in many years.  11 days until i could actually get back to walking outdoors like i had been.  before that, i'd been shuffling, slow, my eyes went wonky for a few days, couldn't focus, and felt a heavy weight of pressure that kept me from doing/thinking/concentrating.  it was awful.

i've decided i need to pull back a bit in every area - i told my hub last nite that since he's feeling better, i wasn't going to read to him every nite like i had been - it just got to be one more pressure i put on myself.  i don't know how much i'll be able to respond to others here, either, which hurts my heart, but for now, i need this recovery to continue, which means less pressure on me.

thank you to everyone again.  you're the best!   

yep, i know i'm not all the way back - i just responded to another journal, deleted half of what i wrote cuz it wasn't relevant, didn't make sense.  that's always an indicator for me i still need to rest. 

Don't worry about not responding to people here, San. You've been through such a lot, and putting yourself first is good self-care. Something you need to do.

I am so glad your hub is feeling better. Thank goodness. I'm sure all the effort you put in helped him through.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

very sweet of you to say that, snowdrop.  i know it gave him something to look forward to every night.  and thanks for the support for my decisions.  i appreciate it so much! :hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on August 17, 2020, 02:15:10 PM
Don't worry about not responding to people here, San. You've been through such a lot, and putting yourself first is good self-care. Something you need to do.

:yeahthat:  :bighug:

Quote from: Blueberry on August 17, 2020, 04:13:23 PM

Quote from: Snowdrop on August 17, 2020, 02:15:10 PM
Don't worry about not responding to people here, San. You've been through such a lot, and putting yourself first is good self-care. Something you need to do.

:yeahthat:  :bighug:

:yeahthat: x2

San, I'm really glad to hear that your hubby is on the mend.  :cheer:

Now you take care of you now, and soon hopefully you will be feeling better, too :hug:

Rest and take care of yourself, San.  :hug:

blueberry, bach, notalone - thanks for all the hugs and encouragement.  i can't say enough about how much they've helped.

had a yucky dream this morning that, again, transposed my ex into my father.  very icky, very disturbing.  then, i fell asleep later in the afternoon, had a dream about that dream.  needless to say, i've been pretty rocky all day.  therapy in the morning, so hopefully we'll clear some of that out.  it left me with physical feelings as if it really happened.  these body memories have shown up now several times w/ this.  geez, i'm pretty sure my dad had nothing to do w/ this - it all seems to fit w/ my ex.  we'll see, i guess.  ughly!

my hub is doing better.  he's taken to squirting people w/ alcohol if they ignore his request for them to stay away!  i love it!  there isn't a lot of respect in mexico, at least not among the poorer of the population - the culture of poverty doesn't always have that kind of vision built into it there.  so, i'm glad to see him taking care of himself now. 

tired.  did some intense therapy work tues., am looking at more tomorrow.  then, more rest. 

i worked on feelings of vulnerability today, coupled w/ anxiety - how they go hand in hand for me - and it took me back to being about 4 yrs. old.  i realized how many people in my life have wanted me to be a certain way, didn't want me to be myself, throughout my childhood and adulthood.  i can't count the number of people who have bought clothes for me, taken me shopping, wanted to get me on one of those makeover shows cuz they didn't like how i wore makeup or clothes, or even what kinds of clothes i wore.

these were everyone from authority figures to friends.  for some reason, i was constantly fighting against being rejected for who i was, what i liked, etc. my life feels like it's been one battle after another.  and, if i didn't change, i would get hurt.  rejected, abandoned, harsh remarks, impatience, judgments - the list goes on.  the only time i remember where i felt happy at who i was and was accepted as such was my first 2 years away at college. 

when i left home, moved to so. cal. and found the wonderful (!) world of sex, drugs, and rock n roll, it was good at times, but i was so confused at the new rules, the new way of thinking and being, the new world i was in that i didn't feel that same sense of being grounded.  i think that's when i began floating thru life - just let it take me where it would.  i went along as best i could, but had a lot of substances to help me with that.

so, my t ended our session telling me to 'take care of her', and i began crying.  maybe it was the thought that i deserved being taken care of, that i'm working from a little girl place still at times, or that i kept trying to do what i needed to do in order not to get hurt - maybe a combo - but i'm in pain right now, and i didn't realize it till just this minute.

 :bighug:

San, I relate to so many things about your last post.  So much of what you say about how people wanted you to be, and feeling unacceptable the way you were, I could have written myself.  I even moved to Southern California in my early adulthood!

Lots of love and thanks for sharing :hug:  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 21, 2020, 04:37:56 AM
my hub is doing better.  he's taken to squirting people w/ alcohol if they ignore his request for them to stay away!  i love it! 

;D ;D >:D

That dream sounds very icky and disturbing. Sitting with you while that comes up. We are here for you.

I have a lot of experience of people trying to change my way of being into what they like: appearance, behaviour... Idk what to say, just  :grouphug:

 :hug:

bach, isn't it funny sometimes how we can have similar life experiences?  moving from the midwest to the so. cal. beach  was like moving to a fantasy world for me - i mean, i'd heard of surfers, but actually being w/ them, seeing them do their thing was like making contact w/ unicorns!  it changed me forever, actually, and no regrets about that, cuz it was in a freeing way.  i hope your experience there was positive, too.  i am sorry, tho, that you've had some of the other similar experiences as me.  not fun at all. :hug:

blueberry, yeah, sometimes desperate circumstances call for desperate measures!  he wasn't taking very good care of himself before he got sick, so i'm just glad he's learned to put up stronger boundaries, no matter who it is.  thanks for being with me, too, while i was going thru the aftermath of those dreams.  and, as far as you having that 'change' experience, i think it's such a huge manipulation!  we're much more controllable if we're the way others want us to be, right? :hug:

tee, thank you for the hug - love it, love you! :hug:

feeling stronger today, which is wonderful.  so glad to get past these last few months - brutal.   :fallingbricks:

Yay for feeling stronger  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  :hug:

thanks, blueberry :hug: - just in time, too.  we got an email this morning telling us the owner of the house we rent is thinking of selling, would we be interested in being relocated?  needless to say, my d and i are in shock, panic mode - altho we have talked to neighbors about tips and info on getting a mortgage, how to respond, all kinds of stuff.  still, right now we're in zombieville.  i don't know what's going to happen.  luckily, we just signed a year's lease last month, so they can't kick us out.  still, we are financially strapped, will have to make the rounds of banks, etc. - one more frickin' nightmare to deal with.  honestly, will this ever end?  i'm feeling kinda sick right now, my insides are vibrating, the xanax isn't kicking in, i'm breathing, but that's about it.

 :hug: sending you so much love San. You've been through so much, and I agree with you, won't this ever be enough?
Hope you're able to find some relief  :hug: I can hold your hand if you want :)

thank you dear marta :hug:

feeling pretty dead inside, went to a very dark place for a while yesterday.  the only thing that keeps me hanging on, continuing to battle for one more day is my d.  w/o her i'd be done.

I'm glad you're still battling, san :hug: :hug: I know how painful it is when you can't find the motivation for it within yourself, but still I'm glad that you have your d to give you a reason to go on  :grouphug:

 :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug:

:bighug:

thank you all for those warm, embracing hugs.  i'm wrapping myself in them today. :grouphug:

dentist yesterday was absolutely horrid.  i'd already taken a xanax before i went - i only needed a filling redone cuz it had cracked - and i told her that i take a long time to numb.  well, she put the numbing solution on, for what i gather to be the generic amount of time, then injected the novocaine.  i nearly went thru the roof with the pain, cried for at least 10 min., then was so tense thru the rest of it that my arm is hurting badly today.

after hearing about our house, this was too much, and i caved, got cigarettes, have smoked a few since yesterday.  they taste like crap, i'm not enjoying them like i used to, but right now i don't care.  even the awfulness of them is giving me a distraction for a few minutes.  i kind of hate myself right now for not being able to get thru this w/o harming myself like this.  everything is really ugly to me right now.  i just want all this * to STOP!

San, I know this isn't much but I'm sending you a big big hug to help you feel safe and protect you from all this *.
:bighug:

marta, thank you so - it's absolutely perfect!   :hug:

just too much stuff, can't get my feet under me, i feel like i'm caught in a riptide and i'm going under.  can't believe i'm smoking, but i am, at least for right now.

Dear san,

I give in to my addictions sometimes too, or actually fairly often in the case of eating. If it helps, I accept you the way you are, smoking atm because everything is too much. You are so brave and strong, dealing with one thing after another after another after another... Maybe you just need a break from being brave and strong when you feel as if the foundation has been swept from under you?

When the time is right for you, you'll be back on your feet keeping on keeping on. I believe in you. I've seen you do that so often before. Till then  :bighug: :bighug:  :grouphug:

My deep sympathies re your dental trauma, san. Dental trauma has been a huge issue for me throughout my life, so I know all too well of what you speak. :bighug:

Please try not to be too hard on yourself about the smoking. I know how upsetting it is to revert to a habit you thought you had moved on from, but you've had entirely too much dumped on you this summer. It is understandable that you are looking to an old habit for distraction, or comfort, or a substitute problem. You will stop when you are ready, and in the meantime, being angry or upset with yourself will only make you feel worse, and probably make you do it more. Please love and be gentle with yourself as much as you can. :hug:

Forgive me if I sound preachy! I know how it is and want to offer you my love and support and encourage you not to turn against yourself for not being perfect. I'm a veteran of that kind of thing and I hope you will not get caught up in it :hug: :hug: :bighug:

hey, blueberry,  thank you so much for the support, validation, and that on-the-dot equivalent of the foundation being swept out from under me.  that's exactly what's happening if they decide to sell the house and get rid of us!  the foundation will literally be taken away!  and the warm embraces - they're wonderful.  i can feel them, and they bring tears to my eyes. :hug:

dear bach, same thing for your warm embrace.  it's like drawing me in, something i really haven't had any of when i've been in distress.  thank you so much for that feeling.  talking about the cigs, yeah, it's like it's another problem to focus on instead of these overwhelming ones (my d is also in distress, so our entire household is just putting one foot in front of the other as best we can).    i didn't think you sounded preachy at all - you sounded compassionate and caring.  loved it. :hug:

someone asked me if smoking right now is making me feel better.  no.  i just feel like doing something destructive.  so, the idea that it's another problem is accurate, as well as it being a distraction - i can focus on how bad it is for me and the other stuff goes away if only for 10 min.  plus, i'm basically not eating right now because of it, so that also kind of feels good - i've been eating thru all this stuff till now, have gained a lot of weight, so it kind of feels good to get out of that destructive cycle. 

basically, altho none of that might make sense, it's because i don't make sense right now, not inside me.  i'm at sixes and sevens.  i also felt that floaty feeling come over me yesterday, the place of just going where the wind takes me, no feet on the ground, the way i spent a lot of my adult life.  it was kind of weird to feel it again - i haven't been like that for a few years.  interesting to me, tho.  i think it's an indicator of how bad off i am right now.

it occurred to me while walking (at least my legs are working - yay!) that this is the alexithymia raising its ugly head.  i know i must have a ton of emotions inside, like anger at the dentist for not knowing what i meant even after i told her (irrational?  maybe, but still...), loss and grieving at the idea that another house may be taken away from me w/o my consent or consultation with me, among other things too convoluted and tangled in and amongst each other for me to get a handle on.

that would explain the float-y feeling, the internal agitation that is so very uncomfortable that i don't know how to be with it, what to do with it, but dragging my energy down with it so that i don't even have the wherewithal to explore, discover, express, and rid myself of it.  i am a concrete block that i can't undo, but it would explain the smoking, the craving to drink as they were what kept me functioning in the past.  i'm not looking normal in the least, can't conjure up a smile.  ashes floating around in me with nowhere to land.

I smiled at your celebration that your legs are working!

Yes, the loss of a house is truly worth grieving over. A house, a home is similar to a person with a personality in our lives. In our lives, we look for things to make us feel safe in a world where we were rarely safe. It is very understandable that you feel so agitated.

You are better at expressing your internal discomfort than you might realize. And expressing it helps both the writer and the reader. I admire your writing ability. You will get through this.  :)

thank you, whobuddy, for the support and the kind words.  i agree that a home can represent many kinds of safe and secure experiences and situations, and losing one's home can be devastating.  maybe my grief is buried just now cuz i can't really let it out.  scared, i think, of the pain.  i just had a breakdown 2 weeks ago cuz of the first house, don't want a repeat cuz my legs didn't work for over a week.  yuck to even think about it yet.  there's just too much.  but, thanks for bringing that up - apparently it rang a bell for me.  truly appreciated :hug: 

unfortunately, while i can logically know that those feelings must be in me, can even write down what i'm guess they are, i can't feel them yet.  they must be there, cuz they'd be there for anyone.  still, when i can't feel them, can't fully express them, get them out of me, they remain inside all jumbled up, which is what causes the agitation i feel.  nothing specific, but all there nonetheless.  it's a terrible feeling, one of not fully being human, solid in myself.

and, still like that today, altho it seems like i am able to concentrate a bit more.  there has just been too much too close together.  my mind hasn't had the time and space to tease anything apart.  i envy all of you who feel angry in the moment, feel hurt, feel your emotions as they are.  i just end up feeling confused too much of the time cuz i don't know what or how i'm feeling and have no energy to explore anything more deeply.  it's just draining.

still smoking, still not eating very much, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  my system has gotten all out of whack w/ eating to calm the stress of this ongoing agitation since may, well, actually since last sept.  it was beginning to get a bit better w/ finding my t, but then everything began in may and hasn't let up.  i know i'm rambling, i'm just dropping these grenades again hoping something will explode and send me in the right direction. 

in the meantime, i'm hoping to be able to listen to my body again as far as food and eating go, get back some sense of normalcy in that area.  i've been there before, was a skinny kid eating 3 meals a day while growing up.  my anxiety has gotten in the way, tho, too many times.  maybe this can jumpstart my brain by . . . i don't know.  don't even know if any of this makes sense. some type of distorted sense to my mind, i guess.  ugh!   

Thank you for your words of appreciation.

Sometimes when my feelings are jumbled up it helps if I stop and sit with them and ask what part of my body is feeling the worst. Then I try to listen to what that part wants to say to me. Sometimes works, sometimes not.

I am not able to feel in the moment especially when other people are around. I usually need to be alone to check in with my feelings. But just knowing that is progress.

What you describe does make sense. I think you will soon find a way out of the jumble.

thanks for the suggestions, wb.  i appreciate them.  i've decided to wait till tues. when i talk to my t.  i'm feeling way too fragile to delve into any of this on my own - too scared of another breakdown.  that last one nearly devastated me, and i have to keep my sanity, if only for my d's sake.  she's all that's keeping me from dropping off the edge right now. :hug:

in the meantime, i'm still relying on cigs and coffee and juice to get me from one hour to the next.  that's all the farther i can see right now.  i was able to call my hub yesterday and get some grounding from him, which was good.  he's at least learned enough to stop w/ his 12-step patter when i tell him to.  even after all this time, he can't see the difference.  i suppose it's not unlike me not truly being able to know what it's like for him to walk on crutches, maneuver into and out of a car with them, carry something which means he not only has to be aware of how the bag is hitting his crutches, but just the mere fact of moving forward while he's concentrating on 2 things at once, all the while  trying not to fall.  yeah, i'm clueless as to what he deals with on a daily basis.

at least he's feeling better, and i'm grateful and relieved about that.  he'll probably have to go out and work next week, which is now scary to him.  he's going to have to be spraying a lot of people, i'm thinking, and cut his conversations down to a bare minimum.  that'll be difficult for him, both keeping people at a distance and not engaging them very much.  too much ignorance down there.

so, i'll keep on keeping on as best i can.  thank you all for your support.  it really helps.

computer battery is dying so will get a quick  :grouphug: in.

Dear SanMagic,
Sending you a big hug  :bighug: 
Hope  :)

thank you notalone and hope - the hugs are wonderful!

my d and i got gut-punched this morning - they will not offer us the chance for a 'rent to own' option on our house.  can't talk about it anymore, told her that, too.

something my d said the other day struck me this morning.  this isn't just another house we're living in, like people want to tell us - you'll find another, maybe a better one, don't give up hope, etc etc etc.  what she mentioned is that we have found peace and the ability to heal in this house because it's exactly where we've wanted to be, with the rainforest for our our backyard, we're tucked away in a little nook with wonderfully helpful neighbors, and we escaped all the stress and drama that had been going on in our lives.

mental health healing house - it's truly been that, and there is nothing that could take its place.  w/ no car, we have everything we need - market, library, goodwill store, and drugstore for prescriptions and such, all w/in walking distance.  plus, a food pantry that has been delivering food to us each month during the covid crisis.  the hills are manageable for us in this location, too, plus the weather is perfect - eternal springtime.  mental health goodness is an intangible, but for us, the most important point.  plus, it's big enough that we have plenty of space away from each other, our own bathrooms, and an extra room for her office, as well as a largely unused great room for guests. 

it's more than just a place to live for us, which is why this is so hard to consider moving.  besides which, we've both moved so many times in our lives, both from city to city as well as state to state, and i even threw in another country to boot.  we just want to live our lives out here.  to uproot ourselves once again is devastating to even think of, let alone look forward to the probability that it's going to happen once again, not because we want to but because someone else is deeming it so. 

not coping well.  we're in the process of finding out if we might be eligible for a loan atm, talked to someone this morning, and it exhausted the inner resources of both of us.  damocles' sword hanging over our heads right now.  we probably don't make enough money, have been working our ashes off to be able to stay here, and she's self-employed, so her income is at the whim of potential clients, who have all but disappeared during this health crisis.  i'm on soc. security, which is also being threatened.  i'm entirely numb, jumbled up inside, smoking and drinking coffee to get from one hour to the next. 

 :hug: I'm sorry this has happened to you San. No words I can find to help this or make something go away. I understand your loss and just everything that comes with being forced to move from a house that you felt safe in, and could heal in. I'm sending you support and many hugs in this difficult time for you.  :hug:

marta, your hug and words of support are much appreciated. :hug:

had a good, but exhausting session w/ my t yesterday.  it put to rest some of the negativity i was surrounding myself with.  she helped me turn around as far as my smoking for the moment - helped me see it as a coping mechanism i'm utilizing during this time instead of hating myself for doing something self-destructive.  i now have more compassion for me and what i'm going thru, knowing that this won't be forever.  survival is the bottom line right now.

we've put in our financials to a loan company today to see if and for how much we might qualify.  all we can do now is play the waiting game.  every little step of this is exhausting, however, and we're doing what we need to do to simply stay alive and sane.  with everything that's gone on, i guess that's a lot, so i'm working on seeing it that way.

i had a dream about an ex love of mine that i've kept longing for over a long period of time.  this was the first dream about him where i actually turned him down in order to move on - it's usually been me longing for more from him.  when i woke up, thought about it, it came to me that after all was said and done, he wasn't good enough for me.  quite a turnaround, in my mind.  glad to put that to rest.

feeling a bit stronger today, which is nice.  it didn't seem so difficult to get thru the day, at least.

I'm glad you're feeling a little stronger today, san.  Love and good thoughts and strong house wishes to you :hug:

San, you have been through so much in the last six months. It has been one big, painful thing after another. Your feelings will come and be sorted out over time. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It makes sense that you are smoking to help cope. Give yourself grace.

The thoughts and feelings that you and your daughter have about the house make a lot of sense. It really is a big deal.  :hug:

bach, thanks so much for those wishes. could feel your heart in them. we're going to hear today from the loan company to see if we even qualify for something, so we're on pins and noodles until then. :hug:

notalone, i shared what you said about our house being a big deal for us and our state of mind - she said 'awwww' in gratitude.  thank you very much. and also for supporting me in reverting to a past coping skill - i really appreciate your acceptance and continued wishes that i be kind to myself.  so sweet of you. :hug:

so, yeah.  we're in a deep state of stress today waiting to hear about the possibility of a loan.  we have no idea, and the waiting is really difficult. i'm just distracting myself in different ways to make the time pass without going nuts.  i may even get into a political debate with someone from my past, a former cop, on his perspective of what's happening in our country.  as an activist, i've walked the streets in protest several times, so i have empathy for them on one level.  as a white american woman living in the midst of a dark-skinned foreign population, i have some experience w/ racial assumptions aimed at me without knowing me as a person. truthfully, i got angry at hearing them time and time again. i've also had some great relationships w/ law enforcement officers, both as friends and when i've needed help.

distraction is key right now for me.  i want to continue putting final touches on my latest book, but it's hard to concentrate.  i talk to my t tomorrow, and that will be helpful one way or another.  it's like i want to keep as many things on my plate as possible just to make it to the next hour.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 03, 2020, 03:55:14 PM
notalone, i shared what you said about our house being a big deal for us and our state of mind - she said 'awwww' in gratitude.  thank you very much.

For both you and your daughter:  :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic,
Really hope you get a positive outcome regarding the loan, and I hope that the wait will pass by more quickly, especially as you're distracting yourself in different ways.  Good luck with finishing your latest book - so exciting that you're doing that.   :cheer:

I hope your session with your T is helpful. 

Sending you and your daughter a supportive hug at this time  :grouphug:
Hope  :)

thank you, notalone and hope, not only for your support but your validation that we can let this house mean a lot to us.  too many people want to tell us that maybe it's for the best, or it's just a house, or we might find something better, etc etc etc...  we have already claimed this particular house as home in our hearts, and home is something we don't take lightly.  we've both lived in many places during our lives, but this feels like we want it to be our final resting place.  we are both so very tired from life.

thanks to everyone for the support i received when i reached out yesterday.  not quite as dark and desperate today, but still not in a good place.  this stress is simply being absorbed into our innards, distorting energy levels, concentration abilities, and even our eating patterns.  we both went in separate directions with that last bit.  horrible.

so, still hour to hour.  my session w/ my t went well - she reassured me that my smoking 4 or 5 cigs a day is not going to hurt me, that she's gonna help me get thru all this so i can put them away again.  that was truly helpful for me cuz i'd been sitting there hating myself, literally, for doing this, and it was stressing me out even more.  cigs had always been relaxing for me, so it was doing the opposite at a time when i really didn't need more stress.

we were able to process that self-hatred away, and now i can smoke one, relax, be under the trees, hear the ocean, look into the forest, listen to the birds and derive a lot of peace from it.  she said she's researched nicotine, and it can be a stimulant for some, a relaxant for others, and can increase focus and concentration as well.  using that, i also finished my next 'final' editing process on my book, so now it's to my d.  i'm sure she'll find more things to change, but it's pretty clean right now.  yay!

at any rate, after talking to another neighbor, who said this owner has tried this 'thinking of selling' with a previous tenant, both my d and i are wondering if we're not getting played.  this house has been on the market several times by this owner, with no luck selling it.  the price they're asking is completely unreasonable, and after talking w/ my d about this, she was able to say - if he's trying that with us, and isn't reasonable, he can suck it and we'll move.

it was good to hear that from her, calmed me down, too, a bit.  so, we'll do what we can and duck the rest.  to be continued . . .

we just got back home today after evacuating because of the fires on the west coast.  divine intervention on so many levels played a part, and kind people, generous and helping people, kept the nightmare to a minimum.

we're still waiting to hear from the loan people, so that stress isn't over yet, but putting the evac stress on top of it . . .looks like i'm still waiting to actually begin starting over as my journal says.

 :hug: we're here for you San. Sending my thoughts and prayers so you're all ok.

So glad that you, your daughter and the house is safe.

your support and care, marta, and notalone, as well as from others is helping me get thru it all.

still smoking, still xanax-ing just to get thru the day.  because of the circumstances last week, i haven't been in touch w/ my t.  hopefully, tomorrow, altho a lot of people in our town are still evacuated.  in the meantime, i've relied on all of you.  still waiting to hear about the whole house thing.  it's all we can do, but as my d says, it keeps us from feeling safe.  we feel threatened by this owner, feel played by this ploy to seel (the neighbors told us it's been done before to tenants) but we're not taking one minute of living here for granted - never have - and my d also said that even if we have to move, at least we had this for a little while.

i know people have been saying that, but we had to get to that place of thinking like this on our own.  i'm sure many of you understand this.  all the platitudes in the world don't help one iota until you can get to a place where it comes to your organically.  in the meantime, i'll just do what i can to stay sane.  thanks for your help with that.

 :hug: :bighug:

thank you for the hugs, blueberry.  much appreciated. :hug:

just found out that another aunt died recently. since may, this makes 7 friends and family members dead, and going thru covid w/ my hub for a month.  don't have enough time to process all this - i'm a walking zombie right now.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 14, 2020, 10:25:27 PM
just found out that another aunt died recently. since may, this makes 7 friends and family members dead, and going thru covid w/ my hub for a month.  don't have enough time to process all this - i'm a walking zombie right now.

What more can a soul withstand?  I'd be a zombie, too.

It seems the onslaught that you've been facing has been relentless, san. I'm so sorry about your losses. I hope you can at least hold onto the house (and I'm glad you made it through the fire scare—my head is spinning thinking of you having to evacuate amidst all the rest of the turmoil you've described)

:hug:

I'm so sorry san, it's just one thing after another, and each of those things in and of themselves are hard to process. Wish I could fix it for you.  :bighug:

saylor, so many thanks for your thoughts and support. we're still waiting to hear about the house, which is a huge stressor all on its own.  :hug:

owl, i appreciate your wish so much. i've pretty much stopped processing anything.  just keeping myself as numb as possible until i can get to a place where i can move forward in some way. :hug:

have now included food, along w/ xanax, cigs, and coffee.  i can't numb myself enough.  started writing a new book, wanting to distract myself this way, but it's so hard to concentrate.  will try again later.

thank you all for your support.  you really are keeping my head above water.  i can come here periodically, take a peek, and feel the care and support from you all.  it's a lifesaver, a mind saver, a spirit saver.  you don't know how much you all mean to me.

 :hug: we're here for you San, all the way  :hug: Sending you the best hugs ever! :)

my dearest marta, thank you thank you thank you. i'm leaning hard on you all. :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
You have been through SO MUCH this past few weeks/months. 
I wanted to send you a supportive hug, and I feel like it needs to be an extra big one  :bighug: because it is to envelope you in care and support for everything you are going through, and I hope that you know how much you mean to people here.  We care about you.
:grouphug:
Hope  :)

thank you, hope.  you brought tears to my eyes - they're never far away lately, it seems.  whether because of a kindness like yours, or more bad news -my head just wants to explode! 

so, another death, and the ongoing stress of not hearing about the home loan possibility, and finally being able to breathe where we live . . .it's just not stopping.  my d is feeling the same way as i do, and it's interfering w/ her work as well.  we heard another horrible story yesterday about the town just north of us that burned to the ground.  this is unprecedented, and the heartbreak can be overpowering at times.

sleep is getting rougher, too.  only 4 hrs. last nite. second nite in a row.  and i was so tired, i was falling asleep while my d and i were watching tv at 6:30.  after she left, i couldn't fall asleep till after midnite, woke up at 4.  not good.

i'm going back to the porch.

 :bighug: :bighug: Coming to do some quiet work in the garden near the porch...

sounds good, blueberry.  i'd love to watch.  thanks for the warm hugs :hug:

I'm so sorry to read about your difficulties. All that stress and uncertainty. It's really hard to deal with.

I hope that you'll get some positive answers soon. I am sorry I haven't been able to be much of support these past months, but know that I have been thinking of you. And I still am.
Sending you all the warm hugs.
And if you'd like some company on the porch with a cup of magical hot chocolate and a blanket, I'm readily available.

sceal, i know you've been going thru your own massive stuff lately, know you're thinking of me, and i hope you know i'm thinking of you as well.  the blanket and hot chocolate on the porch with you sounds wonderful.  thank you so. :hug:

i'm talking w/ a shrink this coming week, filled out the forms yesterday about my state of being, all the meds i've been on thru the years.  it was a daunting task, and just brought up more sadness.  i won't be talking to my t beforehand, and i'm already feeling the stress of talking to a new doc about myself.  just add it to the pile.

i dreamed about using the bathroom at someone's house yesterday, having people come in and out w/o my permission, using my stuff w/o asking me, even taking my car for their errands.  i finally got so angry at all of them, began talking to them about how i felt, that i was getting out of there, taking my car and how disrespected i felt (in much stronger language!), and woke up because i had been speaking out loud.

i went thru a phase of this talking while in mexico - it was always speaking out loud to someone, as if i had to speak up so they would hear me, that i had something important i wanted them to hear, and even while asleep i could hear myself talking out loud.  it was weird to have this happen again, but it showed me my underlying anger at everything and everyone who's been piling all this crapola on top of me since may.  didn't realize, hadn't felt the anger before this.  it was a very bad day for me.

lots of xanax helped me sleep a bit better last nite, and while i feel a little better today, i'm still exhausted.  i hope i get some meds to help me navigate thru this morass of monstrosity.  my mind is suffering.

sanmagic, I hope you can get meds that help, to help you get through this, it's so much you've had to cope with. Just utterly overwhelming, no wonder you aren't getting the sleep you need, which also makes everything even harder to deal with. I hope you are able to get some kind of rest tonight.

Sounds like your subconscious is really working hard right now. And that deep down you are really angry.
Anger is and emotion that is difficult for me to recognise, and I think maybe it is for you too with that emotional disconnect problem you got (I forget the real terminology for it. I trust you understand which one I mean). And that letting tmit out through the dreams is one way of shaking it off or getting some relief.

owl, i hope i get some meds, too. thanks for your support - truly appreciated. :hug:

sceal, it's called alexithymia, and i'm quite sure it's related to that dream and those feelings of anger.  logically, i can say i'm pretty sure there are lots of different feelings inside through all this, but right now what i'm feeling very deeply is sadness, especially if we have to leave this house.  on the other hand, sadness has been my go-to emotion all my life.  people have noticed it in my eyes, strangers have asked why i was so sad.  but it did feel like some relief, you're right, by getting some of it out, if only thru a dream.

i'm just hanging on these days.  no word on the loan, i have a feeling this owner is playing us, cuz we've heard he's said this before to other tenants.  that's something to be pissed :pissed: about - playing with the mental health of 2 people who have gotten thru some very hard times in the past 2 years because we've been able to live here in this house.  not fair, not right!

tears are always on the verge, and i'm being able to let some of them out during this new show my d and i are watching.  otherwise, they just won't come.  i think i'm afraid somehow.  that's all i got for today.

it didn't take long before i realized i'm in an actual depression now.  i'm so mad at the owner of this house, f*(*&ing with our heads like this, and so sad at the same time that it's taken over my mind/brain.  i can't write cuz i can't think of the words i want and i'm just playing games over and over, tears leaking down my face.  i can't wait to get some meds to help me w/ this - i'm just coffee and cigs today, nothing else appeals to me except venting it all out here. i hate this so much, hate that i'm having to feel this way, hate the mindf**k aspect - i've had so much of that in my life, it's now just run over me.  god, help me to stay sane!!!

I don't have words of comfort today, but I will sit here with you. If you're up for it.

San, I wish I had some comforting words. I hear you and I care.

sceal and notalone, thank you so much for your support. i appreciate it. :hug: :hug:

no loan info till maybe tomorrow.  minute by minute.  my d is also beaten down by all this so the 2 of us are having difficulty getting from one hour to the next.

i'm scared about talking to the shrink on thurs.  i've had a rough time w/ neg. side effects with meds in the past and i don't know if she'll listen to me.  my t said she's cool, so i'm trying to trust that as much as possible.

got no more.

Hi SanMagic,
I really hope that your t will listen to you on Thursday, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks for the support and the hug, hope. :hug:

today is my oldest d's birthday, the one i had to eliminate from my life.  she was first on my mind when i woke up, thinking that i can't even send her a birthday wish.  my heart is . . . .

the talk w/ the psych went so much better than i could have hoped for. hopefully, today i'll be able to get to the pharmacy and pick up my new meds - elavil, which she thinks will help w/ both sleep and anxiety and depression.  fingers crossed.

and, yes, hope, she listened, and i told her at the end of our conversation how much i appreciated it.  it was a marvelous experience, as these things go.  i'll be calling to check in on oct. 9. 

otherwise, same ol' same ol'.  still waiting to hear from the loan company - the stress of this is hurting both of us.  my d's body is so tensed up she's in pain nearly every day.  i'm just still smoking away, propping myself up with that and the xanax.  and the support i get here, which i dearly appreciate.  i talk to my t this morning - because of the fires and evacuees (i heard a new term - climate refugees) her schedule got overwhelmed by having to go out and do trauma work w/ people who have lost everything, so i haven't been able to speak w/ her in more than a week.

in the meantime, i just have to continue existing.  sometimes that seems like a lot, right?

It does, but hang in there dear San. I'm delighted it went so well with the psych. :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
I am so glad to hear that your T listened. 
Sending you another hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug: hugs San sorry I've been awal.  It's been rough.  Hope you have been doing alright.

snowdrop, hope, and tee - your support means the world to me. :hug: :hug: :hug:

am on day 4 of new meds.  elavil.  dry mouth and eyes, like an antihistamine.  it's an anti-dep that's also supposed to help w/ anxiety, and has a sedating quality, so i was hoping it would help for sleep.  so far, not so much.  it's a low dose, haven't been on it very long, we'll see where it goes.

i worked w/ my t this morning, emdr on the go-around i had w/ my ex in june about selling our family house.  just that piece knocked me out for 2 hrs. afterward.  but, i feel a bit lighter, so that's good.  that man really did a number on me!  i realized i have to have faith that my girls know enough about him to keep themselves safe, and that w/ him being NPD, i can't expect myself to have the correct words to help him be a better person.  so, i put all that aside now because it's more plain than ever that talking to him is like talking io a black void.

this past june, then, just that one month, became significant to me to be able to lay him aside.  for all his words about being in therapy and working on issues, it's clearer than ever that he gives lip service to me and anyone else around.  i think i began the untangling process this morning, but it's a nasty ball of yarn - 40 years' worth - of untangling.  still, i think i made a start now, and will keep going.

still no word on the possibility of a loan, so we're continuing in the stress of that.  i sit in the back of my house, have a cig, look into the fabulous forest, listen to the ocean, hear the chirps, tweets, squawks, and screeches of all the birds, and i am filled not only with gratitude but a deep, deep sadness at the possibility of losing it.  my d mentioned she felt the same the other night - she thought about taking a walk into the forest, just do some forest bathing, but she, too, was suddenly filled w/ this profound sadness.

we both know we're grateful for having spent this time here, being able to just be here, but the sadness at the 'maybe it will soon be gone/done' takes over both of us, and drowns the gratitude.  it's such a horrible feeling.  still, nothing's for sure yet, but it's like the grieving has already begun. a case worker told her about the ins and outs of renting in a tourist town - how fleeting it can be - but we'd never contemplated that cuz we only thought to live our lives out in this house.  it's frustrating to know that someone can simply pull the rug out from under us at the snap of a finger.  all we can do right now is wait, which is not doing either of us any good.  ugh.  just letting it out here.

Thinking of you, San  :hug:  I haven't been commenting because I'm struggling pretty good myself and just can't get my thoughts together, but I've been checking in and every day praying for good news for you on a loan :hug:

San, my time on OOTS has been limited lately, but my thoughts and care for you continue.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2020, 09:45:43 PM
i worked w/ my t this morning, emdr on the go-around i had w/ my ex in june about selling our family house.  just that piece knocked me out for 2 hrs. afterward.

That's a really big deal. I'm not surprised that it knocked you out. Recently I had a minor flashback. It really knocked me out. When I processed with my therapist, he affirmed how exhausting the flashback was. These things really do take a toll.

 :hug: hugs San sorry I haven't been here to give you support through this rough time.  I've been thinking of you. I'm sorry things have continued to be so rough for you.  Big hug. :hug:

bach, notalone, and tee - thank you so much.  it sounds like a lot of us are struggling at the same time.  i'm with you all, too, even if i'm not posting.  you're all in my thoughts and prayers.  love and hugs all around :grouphug:

Glad that your T listened to you, San. And that you felt a good connection with her/him.
I hope it'll be a continued positivity in your life.

Sending you warm, happy thoughts. I hope you get some relief soon, some answers.
:hug:

 :grouphug:

 :hug: :grouphug:

sceal, notalone, and tee - love the hugs and support.  thank you all very much :grouphug:

today i slept till nearly 9 a.m., which is very unusual for me, but it felt great.  i even just laid and snoozed for another hour, which also felt great.

i think the meds are beginning to lift my depression - i don't feel the need for the cigs and coffee route today, only had one yesterday.  my lungs are also telling me "enough"!  so, i'm gonna honor them for today.  they've already been thru a lot in my lifetime.

it's almost awkward to feel not so down, altho we're still going thru the stress of not knowing about our house, loan, anything else pertinent to that situation.  i think the meds might be helping me with that as well.  i hope so.

i did a few things this morning, and now i'm already feeling tired.  even this little time here has kind of knocked me off center.  i'd better go.

well, so much for high hopes.  my legs are wonky again, so last nite is going to be the end of the meds for me.  this was a very low dose, i took it 8 times, noticed my legs not being quite up to snuff a few days ago, and by yesterday, altho i'm feeling better in some respects, i couldn't take a walk outdoors.  this morning, there was a hiccup as i got into the shower, where i lost my balance a little, and i can't have that.  so, back to the drawing board.

this brings me down once again, which sucks.  i've got a call into the doc, we'll see what she has to say.  man, i hate this crapola!   :no:

 :hug:

Sorry, San.  :'(

thanks for the hugs and sympathy, bach and notalone.  i truly appreciate it.   :hug:    :hug:

legs are a little better today.  i should be able to take a walk outside tomorrow, maybe a little one today.  cigs are done - my lungs stopped tolerating them.  i feel ok.  the stress is still there, but i'm coping.  started crying out of nowhere last nite, don't know why.  guess i'm just sad.  i feel pretty hopeless about getting medicinal help to help me cope.  stress reliever is what i need, and i don't see one of those on the horizon. 

wah wah wah - that's what it feels like. 

 :hug: :hug:   :bighug:

thanks, blueberry, for the acceptance and the hugs.  you warmed my heart.

gonna try one more med today or tomorrow.  it's supposed to help with racing/intrusive thoughts as well as anxiety and sleep.  we'll see.

meanwhile, my lungs are cleansing themselves the past few days, but i'm breathing well, so i know i stopped in time.  they're not in the greatest shape anyway, so cigs are the worst thing i can do, which is why i consider it self-harm, but that's how self-destructive i was feeling.  it was quite a dark place.  glad i'm not there right now anymore.  gotta give them a chance to heal again. 

in the meantime, one day at a time.  just get from today to tomorrow. 

some good news is that my d and i are getting our books into a little cafe in town that also displays the works of local artisans.  my d is going for the meeting this afternoon, but they'll be there on consignment.  a nice percentage will come to us for anything sold, which i was happily surprised about.  i decided not to go cuz covid is doing an uptick in our state.  i don't need to take that kind of chance, but i would've like to have met these women who run the place.  part of every sale goes to a local charity, too, and i really like that idea. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 06, 2020, 02:15:58 PM
some good news is that my d and i are getting our books into a little cafe in town that also displays the works of local artisans.  my d is going for the meeting this afternoon, but they'll be there on consignment.  a nice percentage will come to us for anything sold, which i was happily surprised about.  i decided not to go cuz covid is doing an uptick in our state.  i don't need to take that kind of chance, but i would've like to have met these women who run the place.  part of every sale goes to a local charity, too, and i really like that idea.

That is exciting.  :hug:

San, I hope you are finding ease and healing.  Our breath is such an amazing thing and I am glad you are listening to your body of what you need.  I appreciate your reflection on the idea of cigarettes as self-harm.  I think I have had a really narrow definition of self-harm and it is helpful to me to reflect on things I do  (or have done) that could be considered self-harm.  I appreciate you sharing and hope you are feeling more ease.

notalone, yes, it is exciting.  i've been having a difficult time seeing those little nooks and crannies of positives while other stuff, like our house, the loan, the evacuation, my ex, etc. has been loomingly neg. and overwhelming and i've been dealing with that.  thanks for this affirmation.  we just sent in authors bio's to them this morning, so that was exciting, too.  i'm glad you pointed it out.   :hug:

rainy, actually today was the first day i could take a breath, so thank you so much for the well wishes.  i know that the idea of 'self-harm' has been pretty narrowly focused for people by the professionals for the most part, or in articles, etc., but i guess i just see some of this stuff differently. glad you found it helpful.   :hug:

i was so nervous last night, and today, scared, actually, cuz i got a new med to take from the psych., but i found myself too afraid to try it, afraid i would lose my legs again, so i haven't taken it.  i talked to my t about it this morning, she helped me calm down, and talked to the psych this afternoon about everything that was scaring me, more of my history w/ such meds (this was a mood stabilizer - zyprexa), and she was very reassuring, put me at ease (nod to you, rainy).

when she said mood stabilizer, it was a trigger, cuz that's what i'd begun taking before when my legs went out of whack and i ended up falling cuz i couldn't catch my balance - my legs wouldn't move fast enough - and broke my wrist and something in my back.  i was near tears, and told her xanax is the only thing that hasn't affected my legs like this. i'd also been scared that if i wasn't taking the prescribed med, she wouldn't let me just rely on xanax, which i'd told my t.  but, she did, and i burst into tears in relief,

thank everything helpful for allowing this to go like it did.  she'll refill my scrip for xanax if i run out before our next chat, was glad to hear that i wasn't taking more than 1 1/2 mg/day (i think that reassured her that i wasn't just abusing it), and it sounds like it's all good.  i feel much better now.

still, i'm also concerned about my d, she's been holding everything in, but finally was able to cry about the house today.  she's like me - holds the stress in until we bubble over, but in the meantime, our bodies begin doing weird things.  she's now more confident that when she feels like that, it's not an automatic trip to the ER now (we have gone that route in the past).  tentatively, we're both ok at the moment, still waiting to hear if we even qualify for a loan, so that's keeping us on pins and noodles.

i've also been processing a lot of the abuse from my ex the past few sessions, which leaves me feeling like crapola for a day, but usually i stabilize by the next morning.  it's amazing to me how re-telling this stuff makes it feel more real, more abusive.  one of the things that came to me was that every thing he did was testing me to see how much he could get away with.  over and over and over thru the years.  i've discovered tests i've failed, and noted what happened because i wasn't able to take appropriate steps at the time.  those are just ugly to me.

but i've also noted other tests and what i did to stand up to him, cause changes in our family because i did.  no sense of victory, tho - they were just part of the rhythm of our life together, even after we were divorced.  i kept him close to manage my money cuz i was too sick to do it while i was in mexico, and he took advantage in sneaky ways.  i didn't know till after the fact.  but, that's part of what was so awful about him selling our house - he had power of attorney, and decided to sell it cuz it was of no use to him anymore.  no matter that my name was on the deed and i could've been held financially responsible (which, in point of fact, he did have to pay over $1000 in the end).  ugh!

anyway, this stuff with him is 40 yrs' worth of crap like that, and it plays on my mind, especially at times when i quiet down to go to sleep, or when i first wake up.  there those thoughts are, harrassing me, making all kinds of neg. feelings come up and taunt me.  it's just not a restful way to fall asleep or wake up.  i hope i can eventually get to the point in therapy where that stops happening.

so, deep breath.  don't know if i'll be around much for a bit.  all this needs resolution, but i love you all, and i appreciate all your hugs and support.  thank you.

 :hug: big hug San I've been working through some deep past trauma with my T as well it's hard work but worth it I think. 

You are so brave and strong you will make through this rough patch I'm glad your T was able to talk with the psych and figure things out for you.
If you leave for a bit know I'm thinking of you and always have a big hug ready any time you need it.  Your friend Tee :hug: :hug:

hey dear tee,

thank you for the hugs and support.  i'm so glad you're around, m;y friend.

i've been feeling a bit better after resolving the med situation w/ the psych.  was able to walk 3 times today, and still feel good.  it's such a blessing to have my legs working, and not to be afraid of medications messing with that.

i don't know why i wrote blessing above - i don't usually think that way.  lately, however, w/ everything that's been going on, i've been speaking a lot more w/ god, have felt like we've been taken care of by some force larger than ourselves, so i guess 'blessing' felt like the correct concept just then.  i'm feeling more grateful after what's gone on that we were looked after by neighbors and others, including divine intervention of some sort, to get us thru it all safely.

sometimes it's difficult to think of the pos. parts of some of this when the stress of it has been overwhelming and taken a physical toll. my d has had phys. flare-ups that are stress-related, and i've gone thru my own share of crapola physically and emotionally.  dang, stress just has such a lingering effect on both of us.  thankfully, we are both very accepting and understanding of how stress and anxiety work - not necessarily any rhyme or reason to them, but they make themselves known no matter how hard we try to keep them at bay.

like fierce hounds on our trails, at times, snapping at our heels, nipping bits and pieces of us to shreds.  it's so wearing, so all-consuming at times that to remember that we made it thru, once again, and that's a cause to celebrate and be grateful for can seemingly be non-existent cuz our energy gets drained.  can't think thru it at times to the pos.  i wonder if that's just how it goes or is it more pronounced w/ c-ptsd?  hard to tell cuz it's been going on for so long.

at any rate, i am able to cherish today and my ability to walk outdoors, be in this house, and enjoy the relationship w/ my d.  that's something i haven't felt in ages, it seems.

Yea! So glad your legs are not being affected and that you were able to take walks.

thanks, notalone   :hug:

my d spoke about how depressed she is about the whole house thing, can't feel invested in it now cuz it's too painful.  i have to admit, i've had some of those same thoughts myself.  i've stopped the cigarettes now (my lungs are really happy about that, altho i'm still coughing a bit as they continue to cleanse themselves), but when i'd sit in back of our house at the edge of the forest for a cig. break, i'd be filled with sadness that we might not be able to stay here. 

it's a horrible phenomenon, a terrible dynamic.  it's sapping our strength, wearing us out, and generally holding us down from truly enjoying where we are now.  it's hard to even talk about it, so i'll stop.

I just want to pop by and congratulate you on being able to quit smoking.
That can be a hard thing to stop doing, especially during such trying times that you are going through rn.

Sending you thoughts.

Sending you a hug of support whereever you are, san  :hug:

i know i've been away - it's been just too difficult to talk about everything, including some heavy processing i've been doing about my ex.  maybe another time.  right now, i'm holding myself together.  it's all i can do, plus i'm busy writing and editing, which i'm using as distractions.

sceal, thank you.  being able to stop the cigs wasn't too hard, actually.  my being just wasn't in that dark place anymore.  haven't had one for 2 weeks, and my lungs have finally been able to stop cleansing themselves, so that's good. :hug:

blueberry, thank you for your support. i'm just trying not to think of everything right now, which means staying away from here as well.  sad, but there it is.  i do want to eventually write about it all, but later. :hug:

San, sending you so much support  :hug: . Take your time, and it's ok to not want to talk about things and get away from them, when you're ready we'll be waiting for you as always. :hug:

Quote from: marta1234 on October 23, 2020, 08:20:49 AM
Take your time, and it's ok to not want to talk about things and get away from them, when you're ready we'll be waiting for you as always.

:yeahthat:

:yourock: san, great self-care!  :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug:

Understand, San. I've been away too.  :hug:

wow! such support - i'm so thankful for all of you.

marta - thank you for the reassurance. as long as i've been here and have had such wonderful and positive responses, sometimes i still go to a disbelieving place that this is real, you're all real, and you care. it feels foolish when i think about it. but i so appreciate hearing it. it really grounds me even when i don't realize i've begun floating again, :hug:

blueberry, thank you for your never-ending support. I so appreciate your understanding and acceptance and encouragement. you've become a rock for me, and it's wonderful. :hug:

bach and tee - i can't explain how much i appreciate those hugs and the care that's behind them.  it warms my heart to see them when i'm feeling strong enough to come here.  they shore me up and give me extra strength to keep going. :hug: :hug:

notalone, thank  you for understanding. it just gets too difficult sometimes, right? i hope this finds you in a better place, as it's found me today.  :hug:

just enough energy to write a little about what's going on. got my flu shot the other day, and it knocked me down for a couple days.  finally feeling a bit more like myself today, so i'll take it.

as i mentioned, i've been processing a lot about my ex the past few weeks. what's been most interesting to me (besides the fact that i'm basically wiped out the rest of the day) is that it's been producing dreams in which i am actually able to feel the feelings in my dreams about what's happened altho i can't always feel them for real.  it seems that my subconscious is processing situations/memories/instances and giving me a picture of how i would have reacted in real life if i'd been able to.  it's a strange sensation.

for example, we've been working on betrayal issues - of which there have been so many i've had to break them down into small pieces.  when we've talked about x, y, and z all falling under that category of betrayal, and start the eye movements, i begin dissociating. when that happens, i tell my t about it, and we find a smaller piece to process. as long as it's small enough, i can get thru the processing and find some resolution.

so, this past session, i needed to focus only on this past june and the wreckage he made of selling our family house w/o consulting me but putting me in financial jeopardy at the same time. there was a sense of injustice that will never be rectified, as well as the idea that to him, i don't matter.  we've had a relationship of one kind or another for 50 yrs., and i didn't really know him until i began researching misogyny and NPD behaviors. but, over all those decades, the amounts of abuse, betrayal, deception, etc. have taken a greater toll on me than i realized.

so, this idea that i really don't matter to him, even after all this time, kind of blew my mind.  it was the conscious awareness of what that means, has meant, for all those years of my life that smacked me in a way i'd never realized before.  so HUGE!  hence, having to break down the enormity of it into manageable pieces.  and,, the next day i dreamed about being betrayed by him (a friend in the dream told me he was cheating on me) and i was shocked, stunned, and so hurt that he'd do that to me. but the surprise was that while i was dreaming this, those feelings were being felt by me in the dream.

after i woke up and remembered it, i could feel the dream 'me' feeling those things, even tho when i thought about it irl, i couldn't feel them.  this emotional disconnect is so weird.  in the 2 weeks before, i also dreamt about him in 2 different ways, and , again the dream 'me' got so angry :pissed: even tho i couldn't feel it while awake.  it comforts me in a way, tho, that at least my mind is releasing some of these emotions that were never felt or expressed while i was living them thru the years.

one other image that came to mind about my relationship w/ him was of us sitting on a teeter-totter.  he and his end was on the ground, while i and my end were way up in the air. what i realized was he's had his own agenda for dealing with me to his advantage all these years, so everything was weighted toward that, and there was nothing i could do about it. i'd been helpless up there, ungrounded, confused, not knowing what else i could do to even things out between us but constantly trying one thing after another to no avail.

in the end, my solution (in this image) was to jump off the teeter-totter, just leave that dynamic behind, let him play his ugly game by himself. it was quite a long way to the ground, and i landed on my hands and knees, got some scratches on both, dirt on them, but i did what i've always done in my life - got up, brushed myself off, and started over without him, on my own.  when i think of it, i've done that with quite a few people in my life. i'm done with those kinds of games.

once again, learning about myself, how i work, how i've worked thru the years, and how my mind has protected me from going literally insane or chucking it all in is something that inspires awe and wonder in me. when i was processing the justice piece, i was able to realize that sometimes there just isn't any justice available.  i even told my t how many times i've read on this forum about the idea that what's happened to us isn't fair, and i totally agree, it isn't. 

unfortunately, most of the time we will not get justice for what's happened. for me, coming to a concrete conscious realization encouraged me to know this as a means to letting go of trying to explain, trying to talk to him about it, trying to get revenge or anything like that. i feel more peaceful (altho i'll never forgive, and i still hate him - that hasn't changed).  but i'm ok with that.

so, it's been a rocky time again the past couple months, but i do feel like i'm making progress. the intrusive thoughts about him don't seem as strong as they had been, and it's easier for me to mentally brush them away. i'm still dealing with anxiety, but not as often now, and it's not as strong most of the time.  i've got a lot more unpacking to do, but it'll get there.  my t has been a gem (she told me she's going into private practice in another city, but since we've been working over the phone most of this year, that won't bother me), and i couldn't have done this without her.

couldn't have done this without all of you, either.  you have all made it easier for me to stay alive and kicking, and i'm grateful. :grouphug:

 :hug: sounds like some good steps forward.  Thanks for your encouragement. Big hug :hug:

San, taking things in small pieces sounds really wise. It is so interesting that you are processing things in your dreams. You are doing good work.

Want to let you know I care and am reading even though I can't get any words out right now  :hug:

 :hug: sending you so much love, San :) very proud of you for the all the effort and progress you have made  :hug:

dang, i didn't realize i nearly wrote a book here!  i guess being away for a while, lots of stuff wanted to spill out!

thank you, tee, for your support and lovely hug.  it's great and so are you!  :hug:

notalone, thanks so much for what you said. it is interesting about utilizing dream time for processing.  since i can't always feel or express my emotions, i'm really happy that my subconscious is able to at times.  that makes me feel good.  :hug:

Bach, i love that you found just enough beautiful words to let me know you care.  thank you so. :hug:

marta, i love the love, and am sending some back to you, and thank you very much for your acknowledgment of what i'm doing.  it's also a form of validation to me, and feels wonderful.  thank you :hug:

still not quite over my flu shot - my gut is not happy today.   stressed out from it, i think.  my reaction wasn't as severe as last year, but it's still there. 

otherwise, i seem to be doing ok.  anxiety taps on the door every so often, but it hasn't been bad enough for xanax.  i'm thinking the stress from the shot might be kicking it up, tho.  i may take a little just to calm my system down.  yeah, that sounds like a good idea.  off i go!

 :hug: glad your doing better with the shot.  Hopefully it will pass soon. Big hug :hug:

thank you, tee, for the hugs and support.  love them, love you! :hug:

downhill slide - therapy was rough yesterday, bad night for sleeping, stress about the house has snuck out of the compartment into which i thought i had it safely stored.  talked to the doc today, gonna try trazadone along w/ my xanax, see if i can sleep better.  got 3 hrs. sleep last nite, feel extremely crappy right now.  sanax to help me take a nap.  this is so wearing, i can barely keep my head above water. :sharkbait: :rundog:   :fallingbricks:

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been sleeping well - that is the worst.  I hope you find relief and ease with the medication adjustments.   :hug:

thanks, rainy - so do i.   :hug:

last nite i actually did sleep - i had enough meds in me during the day, so i think that helped - and honestly, it makes all the difference. some of my anxiety at night about not being able to sleep and end up feeling the way i did yesterday really gets in the way of being able to fall asleep and stay asleep.  it's such a vicious circle!  so, i'm hoping to be more at ease tonite after having one good night of sleep.  fingers crossed!

Working on the stuff w/ my ex has continued to bring up childhood stuff.  it's where it all began, after all, and i'm seeing more and more how what i learned as a kid has made such an impact on choices and decisions i've made throughout my life.  it's part of the reason i've stayed too long in terrible relationships, why i've believed i could be 99% of what anyone in my life has needed if i just said and done the 'right' things, and why i've tolerated abysmal treatment from people day after day after day for years and years.

i've also seen how these attitudes have been part of my survival mechanism through the years. so much of the push and pull of what i'd been taught in childhood was absolutely schizophrenic-making  --  be honest/lie about certain things.  family is always there for you/if you get pregnant, i'll send you away to a home for girls 'in trouble'. be good/show some spunk (which included breaking the rules from time to time). you're not an 'average' child/ perfect grades aren't acknowledged or celebrated.

those are some examples of having to live in two opposing worlds at once and making myself fit into both of them at the same time.  no wonder i've been more afraid of losing my sanity than of actually dying physically!  i've been expected to do the impossible for so long, i believed i had to do just that in every situation in which i found myself. 

ok, i just found myself overwhelmed by all that.  time to go.

Hi SanMagic,
Firstly a big hug for you  :bighug:
It's good that you were able to sleep last night, and fingers crossed for another good night of sleep for tonight! 
I can see what you mean about the contrasting push and pull of those attitudes you listed - really tough for a young girl/young woman to work her way through all of that!  Two opposing worlds - understandable that you felt over-whelmed thinking back on that. 

You are always so supportive to others here, and I wanted to say how kind and caring you are - and that I hope you know that you're cared about too.    :hug:
Hope  :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 31, 2020, 05:01:46 PM
i've also seen how these attitudes have been part of my survival mechanism through the years. so much of the push and pull of what i'd been taught in childhood was absolutely schizophrenic-making  --  be honest/lie about certain things.  family is always there for you/if you get pregnant, i'll send you away to a home for girls 'in trouble'. be good/show some spunk (which included breaking the rules from time to time). you're not an 'average' child/ perfect grades aren't acknowledged or celebrated.

That sounds crazy-making, San.

 :hug: San your lady post is exactly what I'm working through as well dealing with how to be perfect for a NM who was night and day different if anyone else was around. Or if she was surprise in a good mood.  Which lead to looking for love and acceptance in other forms and nevertheless feeling like it was safe to tell anyone when something wasn't right.  The horror story of my Life started so young I'm sorry yours did too.  Here with a giant hug of understanding and patience and love  :hug:

hope, i appreciate you more than you could know.  thank you :hug:

notalone, i do believe it is crazy-making behavior, and i'm not sure how i've come thru w/ my sanity mostly intact.  with a lot of help, for sure.  part of that help has been from you.  thanks for the validation :hug:

tee, for some reason, as young as this all started for us, we made it thru. thanks for all the gifts you've give me. :hug:

election day tomorrow here in the states, and my anxiety is so high, i can hardly bear it.  just trying to get thru today, have no idea what will happen tomorrow.  i do talk to my t in the morning, so i'll talk to her about it.  i know she'll help settle me down.  this is the most outrageous, the roughest election i've ever gone thru, and i've been pretty political for a lot of my younger life.  this one, however, takes the cake.  and i don't like what it's doing to me, not one bit.

The election is just awful!  There's way too much unsettling energy in the air, coming from all sides.  It's definitely taking its toll on me, and, I daresay, on pretty much everyone whether they realise it or not.  I guess I must be healthier now than I was four years ago because although the doom spiral doesn't feel any less oppressive, I haven't had to use as many drugs to deal with it.  I'm hoping there will be at least some easing of the tension once election day is over and the votes have been cast one way or the other.

So many hugs, dear san  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

 :hug: tomorrow will still come no matter what the out come of tonight is. I can't watch the results any more.  If your still watching.  Here is some tea to help calm and a weighted blanket.  Big hugs.  Life will continue. No matter which pompous idiot is the White House?  Hugs. :hug:

thank you for all the hugs, dear bach. when i saw them, i felt warm inside.  they were wonderful! :hug:

tee, you know, i said something similar to my d the other day.  her anxiety had spiked terribly, and i told her that the next day would either be different or the same, and if it was the same we'd get thru it.  she said it helped.  thank you for seeing it so similarly to my perspective.  :hug:

yesterday was quite a bad day, just trying to get thru the stress and tension.  2 cigarettes bad, and the urge is there right now to have one this morning in order to release some of the tension i've been holding.  i've been thru a lot of pres. elections, but never one like this. one thing that hit me a couple days ago was that we in this country were on the brink of a possibility of having a woman of color as the vice-president.  that is, indeed, historical.

nothing final yet, so i'm still quite full of negativity.  this has been a gut-wrenching few days, the likes of which i've never known for an election.  i'll be so glad when it's over.

my t is moving from a county clinic to private practice, and when i talked to her on tues., most of which was about my stress levels about the election, she asked if i'd be willing to be her first appt. in her new practice.  i told her i'd be honored, and we both just laughed with glee.  she'd told me about it before, so i knew it was coming.  nothing will change, even tho she'll be moving to another town.  we've done well on the phone since the pandemic deemed it much, much safer for me to stay home, so her location is not a concern.

so far, the trazadone has not been bothering me, altho i think i need to up the dose in order to sleep longer.  still waking up after a few hours, but last night i was able to go back to sleep, so that's good.  and,  no nightmares for a while, so that's good, too.  plus, it has anti-anxiety, anti-dep, and insomnia-easing properties.  i know it's an old med, been around a long time, but it seems that my legs aren't bothered by it like they have been with some of the newer meds i've tried.  one can only hope.

 :hug: San, sending you so much support through these stressful times. I'm not in the us currently, but I can totally understand how this event is affecting lots of people negatively. Sending you much support and love so you can at least get through the day, however that looks for you  :hug: :hug:

marta,, so sweet of you.  i appreciate the support so much   :hug: 

especially because today we found out by accident that the owner put our house up for sale, didn't tell us, they're having a showing tuesday.  both my d and i are completely wrecked.  back to cigs, coffee, xanax, and pizza for a splurge.  we watched some dopey movies just to give our brains a break, but tonite i find myself so stressed out i can hardly bear it -- again!  hard to breathe, my throat feels tight, my eyes are stretched, and i'm beyond knowing what to do.

i don't hold out any hope - even if someone buys it, they don't have to honor our lease, which ends next july, and can give us 90 days if they want us out. we're quite sure we won't qualify for a loan to buy it, i'm on a fixed income and she doesn't make much more than i do, if at all some months.  and if the new owners decide to buy it as an investment, there's no guarantee they won't raise the rent, which we wouldn't be able to afford.  we learned all this today only because we put in a work order.  otherwise, who knows if/when we might've found out.

we're flucked every way to sunday. don't know if either of us will get much sleep tonite.  i'm having a hard time believing it.  plus, the election still isn't over, might not be over till next week, and some of the results are being taken to court.  it's such a mess, and that's how i feel.  right now, i'm hating life, am only hanging on because of my daughter.  i would never do that to her.  but, the thought of packing and moving again makes me sick to my stomach. 

  :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:

blueberry, those hugs, at this moment, really warmed my heart.  thank you so much. :hug:

well, the election is over, and that, in itself is such a relief. now i can go about doing what's necessary to move forward. we've already begun looking at apartments that might be available, and kind of reset ourselves to deal with what we're seeing as the inevitable.  i know there must be a reason for us to leave this house that we don't really see right now, and i have to have faith in that.  this house has a lot of fundamental issues wrong with it, and it might be that. i don't know, but we could be in for some major repairs, well, more than 'could be'. we're talking foundation and walls that we wouldn't have enough money to fix.

anyway, whatever the reason, i can only make the best of what's happening. my d has dreamed of owning her own house, and it's difficult for me to have to see her struggling, as she has her entire life, with another dream possibly shattered.  still, once again, it's out of our hands to do anything meaningful except to accept and move on.  i've already owned 3 houses by the skin of my teeth, have had to walk away from all of them because of the relationships that evolved inside them.  each one of them has been what i believed to be an end goal, someplace to live out my life, and none of them have worked that way.

*sigh*

Glad to hear that the election is over, and that you've now got a new president. I can't imagine how it must be like over there now. With everything going on. In the country and with you.

I can relate to your daughter's dream of owning your own home. To have a place that is yours. That no tenant can come and kick you out, or tell you what you can and cannot do in your own home. Even if this house isn't it, maybe there's another one around the corner that you don't know about yet. One that doesn't have foundational problems.

Sending you some thoughts and warm hugs tonight, San.
hopefully this election is the start of something better.

That is a lot that is happening.  :hug:

sceal, thank you for the thoughts and warmth.  much appreciated.   :hug:

notalone, thank you for the validation.  it really helps.   :hug:

things have not gotten better. i'm smoking again, not really eating, we've got people coming in to look at the house in an hour - i placed a request w/ ;the realtor that no one touch anything unless they're wearing gloves, and if they do touch something that she would sanitize it all before they leave.  i'm too old and sick to have to clean up after possible covid carriers.

we do have a case manager thru the county who will help us find out about tenant rights, and if the 90-day eviction is a real thing.  she would also have access to legal aid and help us relocate if it comes to that.  right now my d is way too stressed to even think of making the call.  we haven't heard if we're eligible for a loan, and that 's been hanging in the air for 2 months.

talked to my t all about it this morning - the last things she told me was that she prescribes cigs for me right now.  i nearly started crying cuz when my d and i went to the store to get them yesterday, a wave of self-hate washed over me that i'm down in this non-coping place again.  when i told her, she put her arm around me, said 'i don't hate you, mom'.  it was so sweet and just so caring.  and my t on top of that.  it really keeps the self-hate at bay.

so, waiting on pins and noodles till these people arrive.  we also had someone in to look at the water seepage in my d's room, which is getting worse.  we'd been told by others who've looked at it to use a de-humidifier, a fan, turn on the heat - basically, put a band-aid on a broken bone.  this guy went up on the roof, said that's where the problem was, and it would have to get inspected from below as well. i told him that i was afraid of mold, that my d might be breathing spores.  always play the concerned mom and bring forth dire consequences in order to finally get something done.  i've learned that from previous situations that have pertained to health or life and death.

just got off the phone, vented my complaints to the management person, who also told us, 1/2 hr. before the visitors were due to arrive that the showing was canceled. dang, mental health concerns are a gritch when faced with this stuff.  but, i got a few good shots in, and she listened, told me that she's discovering a lot of similar complaints about the properties owned by whoever owns this bunch of rental properties.  so, for right now, we're simply in another holding pattern.  this is so wearing!

the ongoing election litigations are also stressful, and we're having to live thru them at the same time. is this all worse because of c-ptsd issues? absolutely. no doubt in my mind. all this stuff piling up on each other is bad enough if i was sound of mind and emotions.  w/ cptsd, it's so much worse.  feels like the rug keeps being yanked out from under us, sometimes on a week to week basis. dang, not 2 months ago, we were evacuating because of the fires, and everything that went along with that.  it's just too much.   :sharkbait:

Congrats on making those requests to the realtor! :cheer:  Great self-care. I know you ended up not needing them today with that cancellation, but they're in place for next time. I hate that they told you so late, though. Grrr.

:thumbup: on having a case manager. That's at least some help to fall back on though I really, really get being too stressed to even contact someone like that. :hug: :hug:

Your T's prescription - awesome! You know, from time to time Ts tell me to just forget any plans to heal my eating disorder at that particular time. That's maybe not quite like prescribing it, but similar. Similar results: less self-hate, more ability to give myself 'a break', a crutch at a time I need it and have no other crutch to hand for whatever reasons.

san, are you capable of ignoring the news for a while? I mean not listening, watching or reading at all? That certainly helps me when everything is turning into just too much within me and world-wide.

Sending support! :hug:

Thinking of you, dear san  :hug:

 :hug: San big hugs of comfort and peace. :hug:
I hope things calm down for you and you are able to find a new normal. Send lots of love to keep away the self hate you don't need that too. :hug:

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

thanks, blueberry.  sometimes i can get my dander up about certain situations, and i feel a renewed energy about tackling them.  i agree with you about what both our t's said - while the wording might not be exactly the same, the result and intention are very much so. giving us permission to use the resources we've known to head off triggers, stress, anything trauma-related, does, indeed, help us to accept it's what we are doing to get through situations w/ our lives and sanity intact.  those two are #1, and it's ok to use whatever we can to get to the other side of it.

as far as watching the news, i do hear what you're saying.  i stay away as much as possible, at the same time feeling compelled to be involved in my country's political scene because this is a special history in the making.  i've been out of politics for quite a while, especially while sick in mexico, but was quite involved when i was younger.  i hadn't voted in 4 presidential elections, so on one level it feels good to stretch my political wings again.  and, i doubt this would be as stressful as it is if we didn't have this other stuff to deal with on top of it.  but, your words are wise, and i've been thinking about them a lot.  thank you for the food for thought.   :hug:

bach, i so appreciate you.  thank you for thinking of me.  i know those pos. vibes are hitting me and helping me stay afloat.  :hug:

tee, thanks so much for helping chase the self-hate away.  it really helps, and it's not there right now.  and thanks for your kind wishes.  i have no idea what a new normal might look like, at this point, but eventually it'll come around and with  your support, and that of others here, i'll be able to deal with it. :hug:

snowdrop, those lovely hugs warm my heart.  thank you so much.  beautiful, like you. :hug:

still in limbo about the house, still don't know if we even qualify for a loan yet, let alone what the next step might be.  the people canceled who were supposed to look around, so it was nice to have that off our shoulders.  in the meantime, we're just waiting. 

i think the trazadone is helping with my sleep, which i'm glad to report, and it hasn't bothered my legs, so that's a really good thing.  had a nightmare about my ex the other night which shocked me awake in the middle of the night.  happily, i was able to get back to sleep, but, dang, can't believe he's still in my head abusing me.  we're going to continue tackling his crapola on friday.  every little bit is helping, but it really is slow going.  there's so much gunk i've absorbed around him, it's nearly unbelievable to me how much continues to show its face.

i told my t, sometimes i wish he would've just hit me - something tangible seems, to me, that it might've been easier to process and resolve.  this undermining, manipulative, deceitful stuff seems to have been packed into so many corners of my mind, that when one looks like it's gone, another pops up.  there are so many that continue to come to mind when i'm not even thinking about him.  just BLAM!!!  another one smacks me upside the head.   :stars:

in all the years of being a therapist, learning about the human psyche, going into recovery for addictions, being in therapy off and on for nearly half my life, i have never run into anything like this beast called c-ptsd.  i'm a pretty strong person, but the way this has continually knocked me on my butt amazes me.  sometimes i feel so helpless and hopeless, i surprise myself.  and, not in a good way, either.  the pain is overwhelming way too often, and i know that my d is the only thing i fight to stay alive for.  and, isn't that sad.  too much pain, too much fighting, for too long a time.  just too, too much too often.

 :hug: hi San I total feel your lady few statements about only being alive for your D. I think the only reason I'm still here even though I'm much younger is my kids. I've been really low this year, and every time I think I might be seeing the light of day something else pushes me back down into my dark hole.  So know San I'm here with you any time you need a hug know I'm here.
I'm so glad I've made a few good friends that check on me when I'm gone for a bit. 

At this point I have about five people I come on and check on it's all I can manage right now. 
Stay strong sweet lady   :hug:

Too much, too much, too much. I hear you, San. It really is too much. I feel that so often. I'm hanging on with you.  :grouphug:

tee, i'm so glad you're with me.  know that i'm with you, too, even when i don't have the energy to write.  always there in spirit.  we'll get thru this together, ok?   :hug:

notalone, i know you hear me, know you're continually fighting to stay afloat as well.  again, we're in this together, right?  yep. :hug:

therapy went well this morning, and i even had a couple hours of actual happiness!  that feeling has eluded me on a regular basis.  i also tapped into my brain during processing, saw a figure i called a wild woman with a mouth that took up 3/4 of her face, wailing, wailing, wailing.  i couldn't hear anything, and at first i thought it was anger, but then realized it was pain.

not having really felt the pain of any of the stuff i've experienced, it was good to see her expressing it for me.  kind of like when i'm expressing emotions in my dreams - i know my dream self is feeling it, but when i remember it after i wake up, i don't feel it.  so, my brain may be wounded to the point that i, myself, can't always feel or express my emotions, but i'm learning that my brain is providing ways for their expression anyway.

my t also mentioned something about all the crapola in my brain is old stuff, and isn't me.  for some reason, that felt really good to hear.

afterwards, altho i felt some disturbance in my body, i also felt light and joyous.  that's gone now, but it was so nice to feel it, even for an hour or so.  progress. 

 :hug: I'm glad you had a moment of light.  I found out I may have been exposed to Covid. I'm so sick of everything.

dear tee, so sad to hear this. i hope and pray nothing happens, that you do not get this illness on top of everything else.  please take care of you and yours, and know you've got lots of healing energy coming your way just in case.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

thanks for the hug, tee.  so appreciated. :hug:

i have therapy this morning.  the past 4 days have been topsy turvy, going from euphoria to exhaustion to eating.  i triggered myself into eating yesterday when i got on the scale and saw that i've kept the weight off i lost last month.  why that is a trigger, i don't know for sure.  it kind of fascinates me, and i think it's something to explore sometime in therapy.  not today, tho.  i'm still working on getting to sleep and staying asleep for more than 4-5 hrs. a night.  dang, that's a tough one for me.

i think i make progress on some of this stuff, then it turns out there are more pieces to that puzzle than i expected.  i just wish this would all go away.  it's so tiring. i think i only feel rested a few hours out of each day, usually after a nap, actually.  those few hours feel so good, tho - i just wish there could be more of them.  this sucks. 

still dealing with not knowing about the loan, the house, whether we'll have to move in 6 mos., whether we'll be able to stay - it's like the ground beneath us isn't solid, and we're swinging back and forth just to stay upright mentally and emotionally.  the stress and anxiety in our house comes and goes in waves - it's always there, but it ebbs and flows.  limbo is not a fun place to be.  feeling helpless again. :sharkbait:   :fallingbricks:

 :hug: I'm sorry everything is in flux.  I'm glad you were able to lose and keep of some weight of that was a goal. :applause: I'm sure the house thing will get worked out.  I usually feel better after a nap as well.  I think in my case it's because naps were always safe. Night sleep wasn't. So my body actually relaxes more when I sleep in the day. :Idunno:  Big hug hope your day goes well. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 17, 2020, 01:56:30 PM
i think i make progress on some of this stuff, then it turns out there are more pieces to that puzzle than i expected.  i just wish this would all go away.  it's so tiring.

I'm with you on that. I'm sorry you aren't sleeping well. I have many nights like that as well. It makes it difficult to lack the needed rest and to not be able to have the escape of sleep.   :hug:

Having positive thoughts about my weight or my body triggers me to eat, too.  I can't tell you how many times getting close to a weight goal or giving myself permission to weigh more than I think I "should" has sent me into a binge spiral.  It's very frustrating. 

Sending lots of love  :hug:

Dear SanMagic,
I get what you said about there being so many pieces of the jig-saw, and the overwhelming nature of that, and you spoke of ebbing and flowing and uncertainty - that is tough to traverse safely, and most likely feels precarious, but I hope you'll remember how much you're cared for an valued here, and whenever others have been struggling - you've come along and been so supportive, and an image I have of you in my mind is that of an Earth mother with large voluminous skirts, and I feel sure that you are strong and have strength within to see you through this.

I have an inner critic telling me off for writing this, but I am going to put it there anyway, as I feel like I want to write that to you, SanMagic, and I hope you don't mind that I did.

Sending you a hug, and lots of love  :hug:
Hope  :)

hey, tee - interesting what you said about naps being safe.  i've had that same kind of dynamic. as i'm writing this, a thought came to mind that my dad took naps nearly daily, and we kids had to keep quiet to let him sleep.  i wonder if that has something to do with my own napping.  for sure it's been a restorative during the day for many, many years.  thanks for sharing this, and i truly hope you get some relief as well.  not being able to sleep sucks! :hug:

another thing about this sleep thing - i worked on it more yesterday with my t - has been the anxiety i've felt before going to sleep at night, and i've linked that to the fear of not being able to sleep and feeling like crapola because of it.  not only feeling tired, but very stressed, which leaves me feeling physically sick.  after my session, a thought occurred to me that, no matter what, i will be able to get enough sleep one way or another (it helps being retired, so i do have time during the day to catch up if i need to).  i remember knowing this several years ago, and it helped curb my anxiety, but for some reason i lost it.

the past 2 nights i took my full amount of meds, rather than cutting them in half like the shrink suggested, and i really did sleep better, which felt great. so, i think i'll continue to do that, tracking it in the sleep log i began.  this is feeling like an experiment to me, so i thought i'd start noting everything about my sleep patterns, time for bed, trouble falling asleep or not, all the details.  during the session, i confessed that i had little hope this would be rectified.  for some reason, today, it feels like, with the help of meds, it might get better.  fingers crossed!

notalone, i totally agree - sleep is so important, and i don't know that everyone realizes it until they can't get enough on a regular basis, and against their will. it distorts our thinking processes, decision-making, perspectives, perceptions, and ability to see things as they really are.  this has been an issue for me for about 50 years, now, and i'm very tired of being tired.  thank you for your validation and i hope you find a light at the end of that tunnel soon. :hug:

hey, bach, i'm wondering if this phenomenon we share is a form of self-sabotage?  it's so automatic, so overtaking of any rational thought, goal, and the like.  or, maybe it's a fear of success?  i mean, we can think neg. about ourselves, which has been part of our mental pictures for a long time.  you know? what if we succeed, continue to eat well and healthy, get our bodies to a place that's healthiest for them - can we stand the idea of so much success?  you got my brain going on that one.  thank you so much!   :hug:

dear hope, you warmed my heart with what you wrote.  i mean, i really felt warmth from you flow through me. it was so personal, so lovely, so kind and caring - it showed more of you to me, and i appreciated that more than you know.  you have a light that you showed, which maybe you hide sometimes because of that ICr, but i'm so glad you ignored it when posting this.  thank you so much, my dear hope, for taking that risk for me. you made me feel very special. :hug:

i said most of what i wanted to say in my response to you wonderful people.  the one thing, the uncertainty about whether we're going to be living her or not in 6 mos. takes more of a toll on me than i expect i acknowledge. it probably has a bearing on my sleep, smoking again, tension i'm holding that i'm often not aware of until i sit at the edge of the forest behind our house, have a coffee and a smoke - very often during that time, i get the urge to exhale forcefully, like i'm releasing something inside, and usually i can suddenly feel how i've scrunched my shoulders up because i'm able to relax them a bit, bring them down to where they belong. 

i think, also, i hold onto a lot of this stuff trying to protect my d from seeing me freak out.  her anxiety stuff is even worse than mine at times, and i'm trying to keep an even keel around me to as not to rock her boat, too.  that mother thing dies hard.  some of this is also (this just hit me) because one of the shows we've been watching has been about a sociopath, their traits and characteristics, and her father immediately comes to mind.  it's all i can do to not say anything about him in front of her, but that's a tough one to hold inside me.

yeah, that makes a lot of sense now.  wow!  no wonder i'm releasing crapola about him every time i take a few minutes for myself w/ a coffee and cig. i really didn't realize till now exactly how much of that stuff i've been holding in.

another thing i realized, about intrusive thoughts about him, is that it's his demons i've been battling against, not mine. all that stuff i want to erase is not coming from me, but from him!  his overwhelmingly sense of self-loathing, rage, hatred toward women, lack of thought for anyone else - wow, that's huge.  it's good to write this down, but i'll need some time to process it, probably w/ my t on tues.  whew! 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 21, 2020, 08:02:12 PM
the past 2 nights i took my full amount of meds, rather than cutting them in half like the shrink suggested, and i really did sleep better, which felt great. so, i think i'll continue to do that, tracking it in the sleep log i began.  this is feeling like an experiment to me, so i thought i'd start noting everything about my sleep patterns, time for bed, trouble falling asleep or not, all the details.  during the session, i confessed that i had little hope this would be rectified.  for some reason, today, it feels like, with the help of meds, it might get better.  fingers crossed!

This sounds promising. Keeping record sounds like a really good idea.  :hug:

 :hug: I'm glad your putting the blame where it belongs on your ex not on you.  That sounds like very positive steps forward.  Big hugs San! :hug:

hey, notalone, thank you so much for the validation on my record-keeping. it's good for me to see the patterns, but also to tell the shrink when i talk w/ her next month. i was able to actually sleep 8 hrs. last night, which is amazing for me, so i think i'll keep it up.  thanks for being here w/ me :hug:

tee, i really appreciate your recognition of this.  it helped make my thoughts on it much more concrete, and also helps keep this idea in the front of my mind.  it feels easier to chase someone else's demons away than my own.  thank you so   :hug:

after these realizations yesterday, i was pretty rocky for the rest of the day.  i'm feeling better this morning, was able to take a walk, and have enough energy to write more on my new book, so that all feels good.

thinking this demon thing a little further, i think it helps me to know on a conscious level what, exactly, i'm battling, which gives my energy better focus.  it was his demons which traumatized me in such a way that i carry the wounds to this day.  it makes the idea of being wounded a more concrete feel, which, in turn, gives the idea of healing more hope. that's such an anomaly for me - i've never really thought in terms of hope, haven't felt it in my life until very recently. 

instead, i had faith that what ever came along, i would be able to deal with it, but that's not hope. i never looked at the future much, didn't have any plans for myself, goals i wanted to reach in 5 years or so.  therefore, hope didn't play a part in my life.  so, thinking in terms of hope now, even writing the word, seems very strange.  i think hope seemed too positive a concept for me to carry.  i was always so full of sadness there was no room for hope.

strange how these things come to us on a whim or a rainbow, because of another person's words or experience, or some brain flash that puts it into our consciousness when we least expect it.  today, i'll take it slowly cuz yesterday was not good emotionally.  there seems to be something niggling at the back of my brain, but i can't get hold of it yet.

 :hug: rest San  we should go back to porch and just sit on the swing and our arms around each other drinking some tea, or lemonade looking out over some beautiful fall colors. And just remember that we are not alone.

i'm there with you, tee.  you made it sound so inviting, and just a lovely place to be.  i'll take lemonade, we'll enjoy the colors and the slapping of the waves on the shore and the calm and peace together.  thanks!

san, yesterday at some point that I can't quite remember, I had a strange experience with the feelings about my body.  I was noticing the weight I've gained since everything got crazy, and instead of thinking "ugh, I'm huge, this is disgusting, I have GOT to lose this weight" I had the totally unfamiliar thought of "Ehh, whatever.  I'll lose the weight after a while and if I don't I'll get comfortable with being the size I am".  It's scary to even type that now, but that was a real thought, that I really had, and for a few moments it seemed completely possible and looked like a bright future.  And somehow...somehow!, it did not throw me into a binge. 

I just wanted to tell you that.  I hope that's okay.  And, thank you for being you  :hug:

bach, hearing that from you was so much more than ok - it lightened some of the darkness i've fallen into today.  your timing was perfect!  i applaud you on that shift, and using it to reinforce e :hug:xactly those feelings for myself.  thank you so much for sharing.   :hug:

spoke w/ my t today.  i'm so very scattered and the thanksgiving holiday sent me into a tailspin. (i don't celebrate thanksgiving the same way as before, the whole pilgrim/native american reality has been brought home to me a few years ago. i now utilize it as a day of gratitude for what i have and thankfulness for all that is good in my life.  this forum is part of that.)

anyway, i got a turkey breast from the food bank last thurs., didn't have enough room in my freezer to time it so i could roast it on thanksgiving, so it thawed in the fridge. yesterday was my turkey dinner day, and i'd planned to treat thursday like just another day.  my d and i went shopping for milk in the morning, and she began talking about making a green bean casserole because it's one of the t-day sides she especially likes - she's a vegetarian, so doesn't eat gravy and turkey.  i just thought she was going to make it for herself to eat yesterday, and never made the connection from that dish to the holiday.

a few other things were mentioned that she wanted to make, and it hit me that she was looking forward to a true thanksgiving meal for the two of us to celebrate and enjoy.  suddenly, i was head over teacups emotionally after realizing my tunnel vision of thought had only embraced myself, and i hadn't given a thought to the idea that she wanted to celebrate as a family. as she kept talking about the food we'd have on thurs., i was able to catch myself from wondering aloud why she was waiting till thurs. to make this food.

it hadn't occurred to me for a minute that thanksgiving was something she wanted to hang onto as a family thing.  i'd already made my dinner, eaten some of it, so thursday was going to be just another day for me.  i was so embarrassed, and became so very disturbed within myself that i'd not considered her in my plans.

this, then sent me spiraling.  it was the same way for her in her childhood - i always kept an eye on her, watching to see that she was ok, while i struggled and battled w/ D1, my marriage, and the icky therapist i was working with at the time, who was constantly putting me down, shattering my ego and self-esteem. she later told me that as she saw what her father and i were going thru with her sister's problems, she never wanted to add to our burden, so kept herself quiet about things that were bothering her.

until she exploded into her own depression and anxiety, and everything that went along with it. so, this embarrassment this year triggered all kinds of past memories, struggles, battles, wrestling to keep my family together and myself sane in the bargain. by yesterday afternoon, my insides were buzzing, and thoughts kept tumbling in and out of my mind.  i nearly did the same thing to my d in the present that i'd done too often in the past.

i'm ashamed - just realized this now - that i fell into that same pattern.  the embarrassment turned to shame.  i want to berate myself, i can feel lots of 'stupids' nipping at my mind as i write. this has been a problem all my life, that i get so focused on one thing, nothing around me penetrates as to how someone else might feel, the connections needed to make things easier for myself,.or even that there's someone else to consider. 

i'm just glad i caught it yesterday before i hurt my d by dismissing her by word or deed. i realized today that i do have one d to focus on, who deserves my attention and energy because her sister has chosen not to be a part of my life, and i must let her not interfere. my d, right here and right now, is deserving of my being with her, celebrating with her, making a big deal out of a holiday we've often enjoyed together when she was younger. she deserves me, and it scares me that i came so close to hurting her.

dang. so, all kinds of memories, thoughts, losses, abuses came up because of this. i know i can't help how my mind works, am doing my best to address the issues behind it, but this was too close for comfort. the last thing i want to do is hurt my d, who has been nothing but kind, gentle, and patient with me and all my c-ptsd symptoms and wounds. i'm just doing what i need to do to get thru this day and hopefully the rest of the week will be smoother as my mind processes these realizations, deals with the memories, and gets me thru one more holiday that brings both joy to be with D2, and grieving to have D1 not be part of it.  i'm spent now.

 :hug: :hug:

 :hug: I'm glad that you recognized that your D was looking forward to Thursday so you can make it a special day for you both.  Don't beat yourself up over past problems.  You can't change the past.  Enjoy your present with your D who loves you. :hug:

blueberry, thank you so much for the hugs - they are always appreciated.  so glad you're in my corner. :hug:

tee, thanks for your wise advice - she and i are looking forward to tomorrow.  we've made plans on how we're going to do everything, what we're going to make, and how we're going to enjoy the rest of the day (which includes the final 'star wars' movie - good food and a great flick, it just doesn't get much better than that!). :hug:

I agree with Tee, even if it can be hard to let go of the guilt. It sounds like a wonderful day planned.  :)

 :hug: sounds like a great day thankful for you! :hug:

Can I just say, darling San. You did good. You caught yourself before the big day. You understood what was happening. I think that in and of itself is a victory.  :hug:

I'm glad you have a happy plan for today, san! Sending love and appreciation on this day of Thanksgiving  :hug:

tee, thanks, and back atcha! :hug:

sweet sceal, thanks so much for that.  i'm holding that in my heart today! :hug:

thank you, bach,.  i love and appreciate you, too :hug:

I hope you and D are having a lovely day. Sending you love and hugs. :hug:

 :hug: hope your day turned out great and you have heart warming memories to hold onto for years to come.  Enjoy your movie. :hug:

snowdrop and tee - our day was GREAT!  thank you so  for your caring wishes for us.  we had a wonderful time together.  :hug:  :hug:

i'm working on sleeping lately, have been experimenting with my meds to see which and what amounts help or don't.  i think i found a good formula, altho it's not quite what the psychiatrist suggested.  i'll be talking to her in a couple weeks.  we'll see what she says.

i just have to note how different my day goes when i get restful sleep for more than 4-5 hrs. at a time.  i've had a few days in a row of that now (small steps, i know, but each seems like a victory), and i hope to keep it up. it feels like i have to get my system used to the idea of sleeping for a longer period - i've slept in chunks since my 20's - and it's been really difficult to change that pattern.  so, the meds are seeming to force the change, at least that's how it feels in my mind.

at any rate, small steps, day to day, minute to minute sometimes, but so far i'm still here, still alive, still writing and editing - which makes me feel useful and productive in the world - and today feels like a good day.  yay!

That's great! Have a good day! :hug:

san, I'm so glad to hear you had that good day feeling recognising your success at taking small steps :hug:  It's a good one, isn't it?  I sometimes get really frustrated at not being able to take big steps, but really, the thing that matters is taking steps of whatever size you can manage.  I've started to feel that my measure of a good day is not whether or not I did, but whether or not I tried.  You're doing great! :hug:

Wonderful to read that today was a good day!

Sleep is so important, and I hope you get more of those 5 hour sessions. Perhaps, soon it'll become 6 hours instead.

tee, thank you.  i love your hugs!   :hug:

bach, thanks.  i love that you were able to turn that definition of a good day around - it's a wonderful thought.  thanks for sharing it.   :hug:

sceal, thank you.  yeah, sleep has become so precious to me, it's a cause of anxiety before bedtime, altho lately, i'm trusting those meds, and they're not letting me down. 6 hrs. is becoming more consistent now, and i love it!   :hug:

i've had a few evenings of panic attacks this past week.  i've been going out back of our house, having 1/2 cigarette and a beverage, being with the forest, and i've noticed some major releasing of tension.  like, i'll sit there for 5 min, and will have strongly exhaled at least 3-4 times.  i can feel the tension leaving my body (something i've carried with me for decades. my d wondered if, since i'm getting rid of so much tension that my brain/mind doesn't know how to deal with that, and has gone into panic mode because of it.  perhaps - i wouldn't doubt it, actually.

today during session i worked on some of that tension, feeling like a coiled spring, always on the verge of being ready in case something is going to go wrong. i traced it back to having babies - i slept with a mother's ear alert for any sound from them, brought them to bed with me when they were sick, and when D1 began taking a lot of meds for all the things being out of whack with her, i was up and checking on her after she fell asleep to make sure she was still breathing.

so, to me, being alert to the needs of my girls was life and death - if something bad happened and i wasn't alert enough to take care of it, something even worse would happen. (my ex, their father, didn't concern himself w/ any of that).  it was all my responsibility, in my mind, cuz, while he might be there physically, he was always checked out (he's admitted this to me and our daughters). When i ate or smoked, those were my breaks, that was time for me alone.  'wait till i'm done eating', was a common sentence from me to them when they wanted something from me.  or, i'd find a place by myself to have a smoke.  it was my time.

so, i'm realizing the same dynamic now. walking by myself has always had a spiritual component to it. smoking in back of our house looking into the forest here is like time in a chapel to me. when my d and i watch our shows, that's a time to eat cuz it means work is done.  i've labeled those activities in such a way that, altho i do walk and eat w/ my d, i also usually get an extra walk for myself in the morning, and our eating together signals relaxation time in the evenings.

i think there's another component here, if i can catch it before it slips away - i think it's part of my hyper-vigilance, stemming from when i was a child, always being on the alert for how to please, what to do or say that is 'right',  of course, that followed me into other relationships in my adult life as well, be it friends or romantic.  didn't matter. i had to be on the alert in order to not only take care of the needs and emotions of the other, but stay alert as to changes that might happen.  anticipating - yeah, that would be a hyper-alert scenario.

thinking about this right now, it swam across my mind that i'm not worth it, i don't deserve time to myself, i'm here to serve others.  ouch!  that sucks!  didn't consciously realize that till this minute.  i guess that's a big topic for next session.  not worth my own time.  i've just paused on that one.  i think it's much bigger than i expected.  and, heavier - new discovery.  not conscious of it before.  very ugly.

i want a smoke right now, but i've promised myself to listen to a 7-min. guided relaxation video every day, something soothing just for myself.  i'm going to do that right now. we'll see if i still want the cig afterwards.

Lots of layers to the tension that you experience. Guided relaxation is a good idea. I used to do that frequently.

notalone, having you say out loud how many layers are packed into this one issue helped me take a more realistic look at it.  you're absolutely right - there are so many layers, i really wasn't fully aware of how much my tension is all about.  thank you for that.  it's disheartening to realize, but imperative to do so at the same time if i want to unravel all this.  :hug:

i began my guided relaxation yesterday - i've really only used it in the past when i was so terribly stressed i didn't know what else to do.  i wasn't as stressed, having felt pretty good after my session, but this time i could only make it about 3/4 of the way thru.  having that realization about not being worth my own time was roaming around my mind, and the intensity of feeling like this is something to do for myself, simply because it's helpful for me, having all the focus on me in a positive (rather than a desperate) way, well, it was just too much.  i got overwhelmed to the point where i had to stop.

thinking about doing it today is now scaring me. just the idea of relaxing, being here for myself, taking this time for me without having to make an excuse for it is just too much to wrap my head around.  i couldn't believe the amount of anxiety that came up and is now encircling me, like vultures waiting to pounce.  what a horrible sensation toward something that is supposed to increase my well-being.  i'm not sure what to do about it.  i want to do the guided relaxation again today, as i promised myself, but it scares the bejeebers out of me to even think of it.  i'm not sure what to do, but the tension is ramping up even as we speak.

 :bighug:

I can relate so well to the fear over having a strong desire to do something for yourself.  I've been working with my clay a lot for the past few days, and it occurred to me that it has been years since  I've wanted to do something as much as I want to do that.  That was a powerful and very scary thought, and has made me freeze up.  On the one hand I have my big warm happy desire to sculpt faces and on the other my terror at having something mean so much to me.   It's a real quandary. 

A thought about your guided relaxation:  Maybe you are trapped between feeling in one part of you that you should not be taking time for yourself, and feeling in another part that you MUST do it because you promised yourself (and even, perhaps, that you MUST do it RIGHT because you will feel bad or guilty if you take that time for yourself and don't get a good result).  I felt sort of that way about my clay today, really anxious and divided.  So I gave myself permission to take a few minutes to sit down with the clay and see how trying it felt.  I wasn't connecting with it and I felt sad about that, but I was able to tell myself that it was okay and that I can come back later or tomorrow and maybe it will feel better then.  I'm sad that I couldn't get that good feeling today from working with the clay, but I'm not anxious about it anymore.  Might that approach be helpful with your relaxation? 

Good wishes to you, sweet san  :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

snowdrop, that hug is always welcome.  thank you. :hug:

bach, thank you for the words and the wisdom. i haven't gone back to that site again.  just can't do it. :hug:

went into a terrible EF today.  watching 'la femme nikita', and she had memories of horrible physical abuse, plus she was shaken, but her mentor/guide told her 'i'll help you get thru this', even tho he didn't know exactly what was wrong. i had a visceral reaction to the whole thing.  while my abuse was almost exclusively emotional,, when she pictured the physical abuse, my mind went directly to the layers of emotional abuse i endured.

she got very hard and cold, and ran away in order to survive what had happened.  and, it struck me that i had done the same thing, in my own way. all i'd ever looked for in a partner was someone who would be with me while i went thru whatever, and try as i might, it just didn't happen.  quite the opposite, as it almost killed me instead.  don't know if this is making sense, but it's in my gut, and i felt deeply disturbed by it.  paralyzed for a while, then hit the xanax and a cig just to stay standing.

i've already told my t that i think i could've dealt with physical abuse easier than the emotional neglect/abuse throughout my life.  it made me hard, raunchy, and rarely did i show emotion, even if i sometimes felt it. this triggered something down to my cells.  i've watched stuff like this before, it's never hit me this hard, to this depth of my being before. i feel awful.  luckily, i'm talking to my t tomorrow.  for today, meds, and food will keep me sane.  it's all i can do.  i just need to make it to tomorrow.

Hang in there, San. There beside you, offering love, hugs and support. :bighug:

Aww, san.  Thinking of you and sending support. We are here with you :hug: :grouphug:

Thinking of you, San. Sending you love and support. We're always going to be here for you, so hang in there  :hug: .  :grouphug:

Sending you a hug of support, SanMagic,  :hug:  Lots of love too.   :hug:
Hope  :)

snowdrop, bach, marta, and hope - it warmed my heart to feel the love and the hugs from all of you.  yesterday was a very bad day, and i cherished them all.  you helped me get thru with my sanity intact.  thank you very much.  much love to all of you :grouphug:

i wanted to write about what's going on, but i'm having a very hard time staying sane right now.

***TW***  imagined violence

i thought of that episode again, talked to my t about it yesterday, and later i did an imaginary attempt at doing away with my ex.  it didn't work, i couldn't do it, because the method i was picturing wouldn't work on him - he has no heart!  i came away from that experience worse for realizing that, and spent the rest of the day doing what i could to retain my sanity.

end TW*****

since then, i've had a lot of images of both my ex and my D1 coming up, pushing their way to the front of my mind while i'm doing my best to push them back.  it was not a good day, and that's all i can write now cuz it's stirring the pot again. 

Sending you love, San  :hug: . I'm sorry you're having such a difficult day. I wish I could take all the bad and let you rest, but alas, sending a warm filled hug will have to do  :hug:

San, sending you a loving hug.  :hug:

All the hugs for you dear san :bighug: :hug: :grouphug:

 :hug: oh San I'm sorry you are struggling so. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and just sit with you and share stories of fun silly things till we were both laughing so hard we were crying.  Stay strong my friend. This to will pass and fade.  Send a supportive and loving hug. :hug:

marta, notalone, bach, tee - i've read what you wrote over and over and it's helping me get thru this. thank you, you wonderful  people. :grouphug:

i'm so distressed, so sad, so disturbed, just trying to get from one day to the next.  seems like i've been doing a lot of that lately.  this is no quality of life.

 :bighug: :bighug:

 :hug: big hugs San I hope things get better for you soon. :hug:

Thinking of you, San. I care about you, and I'm sorry you're going through this. :bighug:

Thinking of you San, we're all here for you. Sending you our support and a very big and warm hug to protect you from all the bad  :grouphug:

:bighug:

blueberry, tee, snowdrop, marta - i can't tell you how much those big hugs mean. i feel embraced by care and warmth from each and every one of you. they are so welcome and so appreciated.  thank you all and back atcha :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:  i hope these hugs convey the same to you.

therapy was rough.  i'm still reeling, but hoping that by writing some of it will help me settle a bit.

this morning i realized that i have been basically hollow inside.  as a person, which may explain how i felt so floaty thru so much of my life.  i had nothing in me to ground me, to anchor me, unless it was another person, their needs, what i could give them. that's what's helped me survive, literally, until now.

i've experienced anxiety at night after my d goes to her room, and this may explain why.  she is my anchor right now - i live because of her.  i don't feel floaty during the day when i know she's in the next room or when we're walking, talking, watching shows together, but after she goes to bed, the anxiety rears its ugly head. tying these pieces together, it makes sense - my anchor has left and i am alone with myself, which is virtually hollow.  nothing there to hold me to the earth.

i have stayed alive since my first baby was born because she needed me to stay alive.  more of the same after D2 came along. i was wondering why i put up with so much abuse of so many types from the relationships in my life, and i went to a place of blaming myself for not stopping it, not confronting it, not getting away from it.  in actuality, i stayed in order to stay alive for my girls because i knew somewhere deep inside that i was mentally and emotionally unstable, and i couldn't take care of them on my own without at least financial help. 

after D1, i was overwhelmed to the point that i moved back to my hometown and asked my mother for help.  both things had been unthinkable to me before this (my experience w/ my parents had been that when i was in terrible distress, they stood by and did nothing), so i stopped asking either of them to be there for me.  having a daughter made a difference to my mom, it seems, as she took me in until i could get my own place (which i did by hook and crook).

hub #2 (who i refer to as my ex) seemed like a good bet to link myself to because we had been friends for many years, and i didn't think he was the type of man who would also cheat on me.


TW ***  sexual addiction theme****

(well, i was wrong - he was a sex addict and cheated on me nearly every night with porn).


end TW***

so, i stayed, suffered the abuse because it was the only way i could survive was with his financial help.  i feel bad that i subjected my daughters to him, his rages, his grossness, but i can see how it was purely a survival tactic i had to employ - i had to survive to help my d's survive.  their survival was paramount.

my life meant very little to me except to be there for them.  and i can see it, at least with D2, to this day. i don't know how to fill myself up to allow me to know my life is worth something on its own,.  it's not that i don't know my attributes, because i do.  but, mainly, my worth is centered around helping someone else.  i think for the first several years on the forum, responding to others helped me feel good, about myself, about giving support or opinions to others. 

now i'm frightened.  i cried a good bit after the session was over, for this image i had of me i saw between marriage 1 and marriage 2.  i looked at my face, and it was like a porcelain doll's face - hard, emotionless, lifeless in itself. dumped by hub ! when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, i was basically an emotional automaton.  i had to get thru life because i had a baby i was responsible for.  if not for her, my life was worthless.

i know any number of people would tell me, and have told me, how much i mean to them, and i know i do.  but, i mean very little to myself.  my life is all about being here now, helping my d make it thru her life, which has also been difficult, supporting her, working for her, just being here for her cuz she needs me.  that's why i continue to live.  i don't know at all how this might play out.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 10, 2020, 05:51:29 PM
i know any number of people would tell me, and have told me, how much i mean to them, and i know i do.  but, i mean very little to myself.

I hear you and understand how this feels. 

Sending you all the love and hugs :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug of support and love  :hug:  I know your therapy was rough, and you were reeling.  I'm glad your d is your anchor. 
I think a big hug to keep you safe and warm might help  :bighug:  I hope you are ok.
Hope  :)

Sounds like things have been pretty rough for you lately, san. I hope they ease up some for you.

Sanmagic, I'd like to add my hug and love, what you have written I recognise a lot, about feeling hollow and floaty. I know that we talked about that before. The scary thing for me too is what comes next but I hope it's OK to give you a  :bighug:

 :hug: San I hear the porcelain mask bit. For so much my life I hid behind one too.
TW
For me...It is so hard to care about myself when at a young age I was told over and over I was worthless and trash, treated as such. 
End TW
Right now I live for my kids.  But I'm also doing something for me I'm going to school for something I want.  It's hard but I'm getting closer.  And I doubt myself every semester every final I feel like I'm going to fail and what had been there point of all this.  And my T reminds me that. I always do better than I think, and I will again.  I don't have to be perfect I just have to do my best.  I survived for my kids... But I have found something for me even though it is scary and I doubt I am good enough or will be able to do it on a daily basis because that's the way I have been programmed my whole life... I'm fighting that for something I want.  Some days are really hard and I can't breathe, but the next day I have to get it done.

All that said too say maybe it's time to find something that is uniquely yours San.  Something you want and push yourself too work for it in those times when no one else is around.

I hope that helps if not disregard.  Sending love and support as always you mean the world to me. :hug:

bach, very sorry you know how that feels - it's awful, isn't it?  it's added one more clue to the reason i stayed in abusive relationships for way too long, tho.  every little bit helps, at least for me.  it helps me target underlying issues.  much love and many hugs back to you :hug: :hug: :hug:

hope, absolutely your warmth and love has helped. i had a rough session yesterday, and lost my legs again for the day, but i'm a little better today.  thank you for so much caring support. :hug:

thanks, owl.  i'm afraid they're getting worse before they're going to get better, tho.  today i think i can keep it pretty much together, so that feels ok.  i hope you're doing ok as well.  :hug:

s&b, it's wonderfully ok to give me that embracing hug.  thank you so much for that.  that hollow and floaty feeling are 2 more clues for me, something i realized after my session yesterday.  these realizations are helping me remove any blame from myself, and putting it where it belongs - all the way back to childhood, originally.   :hug:

hey, tee, thank you so.  your love and support have helped me keep going.  you know, i never thought of that image as a mask - just that my face looked like it was made of porcelain.  i thought at the time it was what i needed to stay strong - i had to be hard.  so, i became hard which kept my emotions from overwhelming me, as i'm sure they would have if i could have felt them at the time.  as far as doing something for myself, i am writing my third book right now, and loving it.  so, i do have something that is mine, but, quite honestly, if something happened to my d, writing wouldn't matter.  i realized i was done with life back in my 20's.  still, i'll keep going for now.   :hug:

so, after my session yesterday, i hit on some very dark issues, worked on them, and that sent me reeling again.  couldn't use my legs for the day - they're better this morning - but i worked a little bit on that first t of mine.  my t told me, after i'd spoken for a few minutes about an issue, how very mad it made her to hear what that first t had done to me.  her anger helped me feel some anger as well, but i pushed it down.  i had other stuff to process - that t will have to wait for now.

what came to mind, gathering these clues about me and my tendency to stay in abusive relationships for too long - no matter if they were friendships, romantic, professional, or with that first t - was that, for so long, well over 6 decades, i, as a person, was unformed.  i was not fully formed as to knowing how i felt about something, what to do about what was going on in the relationship except be tolerant and patient and be my own best self so that, perhaps, the other person would see me modeling the kinds of words and behaviors i was looking for them toward me.

being unformed, then, i'm now thinking i didn't have self-knowledge, stable boundaries, insight into what was ok and not ok for me.  i didn't have education or practice at gentleness, kindness, regard for my mental and emotional well-being.  no wonder i was floaty - there was nothing concrete about me as a person. i was unaware of my emotions, took cues from how others reacted to my own situations so that i could also react properly (i actually found myself doing just that while watching a show w/ my d last week, and was able to tell her about it instead of remaining confused about how to react). 

those reactions, or lack of them, has been a constant theme throughout my life.  i actually first knew about it thru an incident on this forum.  what it meant for me is that i spend a lot of time in a state of confusion.  not so much after i've learned about c-ptsd and abusive/narc relationships, but it still continues to this day.  it's the alexithymia thing, for sure, but before i knew about that, i just floated thru life with very little awareness of how something was truly impacting me.

so, being unformed because i, as a person, just wasn't all there.  not in a crazy way, but in a real emotionally present way. no wonder i stayed and allowed the abuse to continue - there wasn't enough of me formed yet to know differently.

:bighug:

 :hug: very insightful San. Hugs :hug:

That makes so much sense, san. I often have thoughts that I am working on learning how to be a person. What you've written about being uniformed resonates with me in that way.

I hope that you are doing okay today. Sending love  :hug:

marta, thanks for that wonderful hug.  love it, love you :hug:

tee, thank you for the validation and hugs.  so appreciated.  you've become a very solid presence for my life. :hug:

bach, yeah. unformed.  i actually had that thought flit through my head before, but making it conscious has helped me be able to allow the reality of what happened to me without getting down on myself by self-blame, or feelings of stupidity for staying too long.  i hope it's helpful to you, too.  thanks so much for being there for me, for your love and concern. :hug:

today i'd decided to take a break from processing w/ my t.  losing my legs twice in a week is a sure indication to me that my mind has been undergoing too much in too short a time.  as it turned out, my t didn't get in touch w/ me this morning for our session.  when i called, i only got voicemail, so i don't know what happened to her.  i'm a little worried, tho.

she told me last week that she'd gone to her folks' for thanksgiving, and stayed with a friend, who had been coughing, but saying it was a cold.  i asked my t if she'd gotten tested for covid, she said no, but that she'd hoped her friend had.  last tues., during our session, she coughed several times. it concerned me at the time.  with her disappearing like this today, i'm even more concerned.  i already have probably 4 people (friends and family members) who have died from covid, and my hub in mexico was sick for a month with it in july, and still reeling from side effects. 

this illness has touched me too many times already.  i'm also a bit afraid that a long-lost dear friend of mine is sick now - yeah, i go there immediately when someone isn't responding like they said they would, especially after meeting w/ others for thanksgiving.  i can only hope and pray they're ok.

the rest today is feeling good to me. i'm finding little things that bring warm memories from my childhood - ovaltine and  pomegranates have popped up on that radar lately.  it's a rather small list, but not something i've consciously incorporated in the past. it's kind of nice just to have those two things, at least.  and my d is responding more warmly to me, like she's finally able to get some 'mom' time at this stage of her life that she wasn't able to get when she was young.  that feels the best.

so, i'm grateful to be here one more day.  i find myself asking the powers that be for the ability/strength to make it just from today to tomorrow.  sometimes that feels more than huge. 

Hi SanMagic,

I hope your T is ok.  But I also hope that you are ok too - because the uncertainty - it must be tough to cope with.  I am so sorry that you've experienced so much regarding the Covid, and I very much hope you'll be able to keep safe and well, and also that your friends and your T will be ok.

Those warm memories from your childhood - the ovaltine and pomegranates - they sound lovely memories.  Plus your daughter responding more warmly to you - it's really special that you are having that time together now.

Wanted to send you a big and very warm hug of love and warmth   :bighug:

Hope  :)

hope, your words are endearing and heartwarming.  thank you so for your care and concern.  much appreciated :hug:

well, still no word from my t.  i called her again today, nothing. i can't help but be worried.  and last nite, 4 more people are now on my covid list, including a relative by marriage and a friend, her d, and her d's 8-mo. old baby.  my head is scurrying around in and on itself.

please, everyone stay safe and be careful.

 :hug: my T had Covid but she was able to get better without a hospital stay and is back at work.  Most kids do ok with it.  I hope everyone gets better. San.  Big hug stay safe. :hug:

That has got to be so hard, to have so many people sick with this. I do hope you hear from your T soon, I can imagine how unsettling this must be.

thank you for your well wishes, tee and owl.  it turned out to be a computer and phone glitch, so i was able to speak with her yesterday.  but, then she told me she's visiting a friend next week, sleeping at the friend's bro's house, and is going to come home afterwards and quarantine for 2 weeks.  honestly, i didn't like the sound of that.  but, there it is.  i do know that most people get better, but i also know of probably 4-5 deaths of friends and family, so it all unsettles me.

anyway, i didn't process anything yesterday - i lost my legs after the last 2 sessions, and i didn't want to take the chance of that happening as we get ready for the holidays.  plus, i've got my d's book to finish editing, then proofreading, cuz she wants to have it out by the end of the year.  so, kind of a crunch time. 

i'm working out a way for me to be able to take breaks, on my own, w/o having to use food or cigs as the reason.  it's harder than i thought.  those 2 were always my go-to's for getting away and having a little bit of time by and for myself.  making this change to doing it w/o depending on something outside myself is more difficult than i imagined.  i guess i just have to do it, or muddle my way through it somehow.  i know it's a challenge to change such an ingrained pattern, and i'm struggling. 

yesterday, i got really disturbed by something my neighbor said. he showed us his hand, told us he'd had the final surgery to get the shrapnel out from being shot (he was a cop), and that he'd been in a lot of pain.  then he said, and this is what disturbed me, something about having to wait 6 mos. to get the surgery because of all the covid patients. "I don't give a sh** about them when I have to be in pain while they're taken care of."

it was a gut punch.  i think i was too shocked to be able to say anything.  at least it gave me a clearer picture of his character.  i'm sorry he was in pain, but my back is broken in 2 places, so i'm in chronic pain as well, but i certainly don't begrudge anyone being taken care of for a life-threatening illness, and would take on another year's worth of pain for the lives of those who have died from this.  guess i just needed to get that out of me, but i still may say something next time i see him.  grrrr   :pissed:

ok, deep breath in, out.  back to work.  wishing everyone happy holidays. :grouphug:

 :hug: Some people care only for themselves.  It is sad.  It just shows that you are a better person.  I'm sorry you have to deal with him and chronic pain. That sucks.   :hug: I hope you have a great holiday. :hug:

Hi San. I haven't been on the forum much. Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing and give you a hug.  :hug:

thank you, tee - you're right about some people caring only for themselves.  it just hurts my heart when i hear such insensitivity.  thanks for caring. :hug:

thanks for the hug, notalone.  truly appreciated.  i'm doing ok, one day at a time.  that's all i have to do is get from today to tomorrow. :hug:

my holiday w/ my d was so wonderful, but the big surprise i'd ordered for her that was supposed to be shipped on the 14th still hasn't come.  i was so disappointed.  i was finally able to get thru to the company today, and not only wondered what was going on, but let them know how very confused, disappointed, and heartbroken i was that my d didn't get her surprise.

they did their best, but, you know, once that disappointment hits, it's hard to brush it away.  i understand about shipping, lower number of personnel, holiday crunch, but i was assured it would get here in time, and i spent all last week checking every time a vehicle came down our street.  in other words, always alert, waiting, wondering, confused, hoping . . . so many emotions.  on top of all that, we have my d's next book ready to publish, but we've been working overtime getting it ready, so the stress of that, too.

the upside is, since it's a cheese of the month club, they're giving me an extra month's order for free.  that's lovely, of course, but honestly, it just doesn't wash away all the tension i've been dealing w/ on their account for more than a week.  ugh!  it's always freakin' something!  and, i just don't have it in me anymore to absorb these kinds of things, shrug them off.  age? trauma? a lifetime of disappointment and confusion?  all the above?  i can't sort it out anymore.  i only know it continues to take its toll.

at least we got the book finished today, and i can shower tomorrow, take the day off.  oh, yeah, to add to everything, we got some tasty cheese for christmas, but also have a block of it still in the fridge from the food bank that's only half eaten.  my d wanted to open the spicy stuff, but i told her no, under the notion that the other cheese needs to be eaten first.  she was really disappointed!  i couldn't tell her that she's getting 1 1/2 pounds of it, supposedly, at the end of this week.  i'm not good at lies, and i hate to cause her any pain, but eventually, it'll be worth it, and i think we'll have a laugh about it all at the end of the day.

so, remembering that at least brought a smile to my face.  i guess i'm overwhelmed.  it doesn't take much nowadays.

San, I know how hard disappointment can come and take a toll on us. I'm sorry it happened to you though. Sending you my care and love, so you can enjoy your holiday with your d  :hug: (which you very much deserve).  :hug:

marta, your words are heartwarming.  thank you so for being part of my life. :hug:

i am full of anxiety tonite.  after christmas crash, still waiting for the cheese, we had to order a new tv cuz our old one doesn't work right anymore, and today we ordered a new computer for me.  it took till this afternoon for all that to do its thing in my mind, send me reeling slightly, and it just got worse.  suddenly, while i was coughing (i believe it's my lungs cleaning themselves out after this last round of smoking) my thoughts went to lung cancer.  then, intrusive thoughts about my ex barreled in on top of that.  and then i found myself wishing (only for a minute, but it scared me) that i could just retreat into a world of fairies, elves, magic, fantasy, and just live out my days there.

i know i can't do that, can't allow it, but honestly, for that moment, it felt good to believe in it and want to be part of it.  i wanted to start believing other things, too, like how many people in my life have told me i'm an angel and have agape love - for that moment, i wanted to believe that as well.  like it was something that could fly me out of this life of pain and heartbreak and fear and anxiety.  it's so hard to find good things to focus on.  my mind slips off those and whizzes past them to something neg. that happened to me.

part of all this, i'm realizing, is the idea of getting new, brand new things.  spending more than $10 on something. i've not had money to spend on anything but necessities (and both of these are) for so long, i don't really have a lot of practice at it. all my life it's been bargain basement (literally), second-hand, someone's toss-outs (including the food we get every month - believe me, i'm grateful for it, but it brought up something about my mex. hub this week, how he used to complain when he was in rehab about the food he was fed there.)

when i told him about the tv, he questioned me as if i was spending money foolishly, asking if we're paying off debts (or maybe that's what i was expecting from him, so i had to explain and defend our tv purchase).  all this is rambling, i know, but it's all part of what's added up to my current funk. 

sometimes, it just feels like too much, and tonite is one of those times.  i wish i could cry right now.  i just want to fade away.

 :hug: San I hope your current funk as you called it doesn't last long.  You don't have to defend yourself to your ex.  That's why he's your ex.  I'm glad you were able to get the things you need.  I'm taking the opportunity I have in having a little extra money right now. To but some long over due furniture. I don't think... No I know as a married adult I've never had my own living room furniture is always been second hand hand me downs from family or friends getting new furniture.  So I want me furniture.  So I bought it.   ;D My H is like are sure we can afford it and I'm like yep. And bought it. Don't feel bad for but things you need San sometimes doing something for you is good. 🙂. Hugs  :hug:

so glad you got new furniture, tee.  it sounds wonderful!  thanks for the support and hugs. :hug:

i'm just overwhelmed. 

 :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hang in there, san. We are with you :bighug:

i so appreciate knowing that, bach.  thank you very much for the caring hugs :hug:

once again, i feel like i'm teetering on the edge of my mind.  it's so scary, especially when those thoughts came in the other day.  i feel completely adrift, no sound footing, just moving from one chore to the next, one game to the next, trying to keep myself distracted enough that these thoughts go away for awhile, leave me in peace.  i'm on the edge of tears, completely deflated.  i don't like this.

I'm sitting with you San.

Would a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate help over at the porch? I'll be sitting there, and if you need and/or want to, I'll be glad for the company

thanks for the idea, sceal.  sounds perfect.  i'm heading there right now. :hug:

 :hug: if you want you can come check out my new couch is black and fits lots of people!  Maybe I'll buy duplicate for the cabin to sit in front of the fire place?😜. Hope you find your footing San, know I'm here with you always trying to make you smile through the years, with a hug and shoulder to cry on whenever needed. :hug: :hug: Sending love and support

 :hug:                        :grouphug:                              :bighug:

San, I'm sending you my love and support to you, and I hope it reaches you  :hug: I care for you very much, here's a big, warm and safe hug :bighug:  :grouphug:

tee, notalone, and marta - thank you as always for the hugs, caring, and support.  so appreciated.  you all make a big, pos. difference for my life.

well, i'm just inundated, overwhelmed, and feeling pretty hopeless now.  talked to my t tues., everything is still on hold, i don't know where i'll be living in 6 mos., someone is showing our house to prospective buyers today, and yesterday i witnessed an attempt to overthrow our government, something i never thought possible, something i've never come close to experiencing in all my days as a political activist.

my sleep has gone down the toilet this week, i'm going to have to deal with a new computer and updated windows 10, which i've been resisting for a long time, and will have to call the cheese place again because i've received nothing from an order i placed nov. 30.  the past 2 times i did actual processing, while i believe it's helped with some of my issues, it took my legs out for a day both times.  the stress of both of those happening simultaneously adds to my sense of being overwhelmed, and i told her i'm now scared to process anything more because of that.

i know i have people here, and i appreciate you so much - you're one of the crutches i lean on, the others being my d and my t.  my spirituality is still intact, too, but my spirit is weakening, and that frightens me as well.  i can't even picture having enough energy to pack our things, find another place to live, and do the actual moving.  i know i'll do what needs to be done, but . . .

San, my heart goes out to you  :hug: I'm so sorry pure going through this, everything you said is clearly overwhelming and exhausting (especially the whole house thing). I wish I could actually help you in taking some of the responsibilities off from you (I know, silly wish), but I'm sending you a bundle of energy that I have left and my own hugs, safe and warm from life's weight. Thinking about you, San, as always  :hug:  :hug:

 :hug: San I hope that the new once the anxiety of them is done. Will be good.  Sometimes new came be good. Starting a new phase of life being able to let go of some of the old junk? Who knows maybe a move will put you in a better place.  We will be here for you always.  I hope you find a perfect place.  Sending a big hug of encouragement and courage for the up coming days of the unknown. :hug:

hey, tee, thank you for your caring.  always appreciated.   :hug:

my dear marta, thanks so much for being with me thru this.   :hug:

talked to my t this morning.  i told her i really appreciated having sessions 2x/week (i know it's 'normal' to have sessions 1x/week) - it's been for more than a year now - but that i feel like i've been in crisis this entire time.  she validated that feeling when i asked if i was being over dramatic about all that's happened in the past 14 mos. she told me i was not, and that she thinks 2x/week has been helpful.and she's glad to be able to do this with me.  that was so very reassuring.

we're going to work on stress.  i told her i think my brain/body is so full of stress that anything, whether it be pos. or neg., now has negative and harmful effects on me.  told her i've noticed in the past few weeks that my finger joints are beginning to broadcast pain every so often.  possible arthritis starting?  i use my fingers a lot, especially on the keyboard cuz i'm editor and proofreader for my d's books, and writing my own as well.  i can't afford to have my fingers cripple up on me!

i know that the brain/body produces an inflammatory response to stress, and that's been a factor for me for nearly 40 years.  i already take advil nightly to help keep inflammation pain manageable so these extra pain notices trouble me.  one more thing to be stressed about!  the overwhelm i feel hasn't gone away.  i'm also going to work on getting it into my mind that my own value is equal to the value of others, which can be difficult at times cuz i want to give my d everything i can.  but, i told her on our walk today that i may be letting her know more often if i'm in the middle of something and asking her to wait till i'm done.  a small step, but it feels like a giant leap.

i've wanted to be there for others on the forum, too, but right now, i just can't.  know i'm sending love and hugs every day. 

Hi Sanmagic, thank you for sharing with us. I really like what you said, "i'm also going to work on getting it into my mind that my own value is equal to the value of others." I want to start telling myself this, I really like that it is an easy-to-remember phrase that holds so much power.

I can tell from your writing that you are putting in a lot of hard work and making great progress in ways that are important to you  :cheer:

San,

I hear the stress about the possibility of moving. Sometimes it helps me to be telling myself of what the truth is now. For example, "At this point, my daughter and I have a place to live and we are not being asked to leave."

I also am seeing my therapist twice a week. When I start questioning myself about it, I tell myself that it is what I need now, and when I'm okay to go down to once a week, I will know that.

When I read what I wrote, it seemed like simple answers. I don't mean it that way. When I have a big worry, I talk to myself over and over and sometimes that is not enough to keep the fear from being too big.

You're always welcome here San, and there's no pressure for reading other's posts, you do what's best for you  :hug:
I'm sorry you're going through this San, and I completely relate to the whole stress that is just too much (understatement). Sending you my love and care, and full of warm hugs for your week  :hug:  :hug:

Happy to read that you have a therapist that can validate your feelings and who believe that helping you out with two sessions a week is currently essential for you. I am glad that it is helping, and that she is able to offer that.

I once did a DBT program, where I had group session once a week and single therapy session with Lady T. It was so exhausting, so hard, but I think it was good. I didn't quite get as healed from it as we hoped at the start, but I did get better because of it, well.. in retrospect. There were times when I got a lot worse. That was 18 months. So I too believe that there are extended times in our lives where we do require extra therapy. Extra time. And it sounds like you are in such a place right now.

Don't worry about being there for others. Focus on yourself. You've got a heart of all that's good, and right now, those parts of you need to take care of yourself. One day again soon, you might feel ready to be there for others. But I hope you wait until you are actually ready and not out of shame or guilt.

Sending you warm thoughts and know you can always join me on the porch for a cup of something hot and delicious.

 :hug: I'm glad your getting help San it's horrible when your brain and body gang up on you at the same time. :no:  Big hugs hope it helps :hug:

mojay, notalone, marta, sceal, tee - i can't say enough how much your caring, support, and hugs continue to help me get through all this.  thank you so.  love and hugs to you all.  :grouphug:

i wish i could say more, but right now, i'm still in the midst of feeling crisis within and without.  i don't have a lot of practice feeling afraid, but right now i'm living in fear. what happened in my country last week, the threats that are ongoing, and the impeachment process that is going on as i write this has left me fearful for the safety of so many people.  i've got tears in my eyes at the hate i've seen and how it has been perpetrated, as well as how it wants to move forward.  i'm living in fear, and feel powerless, something also new to me.  it's swirling through my mind and being like a cyclone of terror.

i have to stay strong for my d, and that's taking a toll as well.  this has been traumatizing for me on top of all the other traumas i'm processing w/ my t.  yesterday, i continued working on the stress and tension my body has held for me, something it did in order to help me to survive till today.  today i decided to write, hoping to alleviate some of the stress and tension that is now tying up my muscles, causing physical pain in my chest cuz it's so tight. 

i worked hard on getting to the bottom of my stress response yesterday, and had to stop because my body started giving way.  my legs had begun wobbling. this is no EF, but a response to the ongoing trauma and stress produced by what's going on around me and inside me. the idea of feeling relaxed in a foreign concept to me.  i have so little practice at being scared, feeling powerless and helpless, that even those feelings are stressful.  the idea of living without feeling hyper-vigilant, hyper-aware is unknown.  even as a child, i would wake up with fists clenched. my body has lived in anxiety, fear, tension, and stress since before i knew consciously what those things meant.

toward the end of my session, my t told me to start talking to the parts of my body where my tension has shown itself consistently, especially the physical raising of my shoulders nearly to my ears.  i was mocked for walking hunched over when i was a kid, but i think it was a protective posture already - not from physical attack, but verbal, mental, and emotional. the ongoing results of such abuse are still with me 60 yrs. later.  when she told me to talk to my body, my first thought was 'it's ok, you're ok'. what came out of her mouth was 'say something like "you're safer".

the idea of feeling safer took me by complete surprise.  altho i know i am, i've had no conscious feeling of being that way.  it was a new and daunting concept.  to live relaxed, free from the threat of neg. thoughts, feelings, and words toward me, is unknown. it's stressing me out just to contemplate it.  i'm so scared right now, and i absolutely hate it.

downward slide again today.  we have people coming to look at the house in about an hour, and we've found more things wrong with it, things that, even if we could afford to buy it, we wouldn't be able to afford to fix.  the only way we can stay here is if we're allowed to keep renting.  this morning it hit me hard, and sadness overcame both my d and i.  we know and we've acknowledged it consciously.  a very sad day for us, indeed.

it's also nerve-wracking letting people walk thru our house.  we told the realtor to make sure they all wear masks cuz i'm over 70 and immuno-compromised, and if they don't wear gloves, she must sanitize everything they touch before they leave.  apparently that's what will happen, but still.  i'm also going to open as many windows as possible for ventilation.  i can't take a chance with this stuff.  it'll kill me, and i'm not ready to leave my d yet - not until she can make it on her own.

so, just pile one more stack of unwelcome emotions onto what's already gathered.  i'm feeling very tired from all this.  we can't seem to be able to catch a breath.  one thing seems to settle a bit when another pops up and slaps us in the face.  how long is someone expected to function when they continually get smacked upside the head?  i know my body is collecting emotions by the ton - i sat in the backyard, looking at the forest, and the tears were there behind my eyes, but they wouldn't fall, wouldn't even show their faces properly.  it's like my entire system is holding everything back as best as possible, afraid the dam will burst and i'll find myself on the floor unable to get up.  ugh!

SanMagic, that is very sad about the house,  it sounds like a really difficult situation to be in :c I am glad the realtor was on-board with safety precautions such as masks and sanitizing. You are very wise to open the windows!

I am also anxious for the USA's future. It feels strange to live through so many historic events. You are not alone in your feelings of anxiety, fright and despair. Please know there are many of us standing with you and standing against the hate. I don't know if it will help you to feel less powerless, but it has helped me to make calls to the capitol switchboard (202-224-3121). I have left messages of encouragement to senators willing to stand against hate and to implore less-willing senators to stand against hate.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 13, 2021, 06:55:57 PM
toward the end of my session, my t told me to start talking to the parts of my body where my tension has shown itself consistently, especially the physical raising of my shoulders nearly to my ears. ... when she told me to talk to my body, my first thought was 'it's ok, you're ok'. what came out of her mouth was 'say something like "you're safer".

I really like this idea, I think I will try to do this. My shoulders always end up at my ears, too!!

I just wanted to drop a note that I empathize with your struggles, I hope you are able to find some relief from the tensions and emotions.

Hi Sanmagic,

I know you're feeling extremely tired after all the things that are in your life currently - you mentioned collecting emotions by the ton.  I wish I could organise some kind of big truck to arrive with a door where you could chuck those emotions you don't want to deal with in, and spirit you away to a lovely place that would provide you with care and love and make your heart feel lighter.  Remember that we'll be here in spirit to catch you if you do fall over, and that you are cared about.  Sending you a hug of love and support  :hug:

Here's one of those big ones, that are extra safe and comfy:  :bighug:

Hope  :)

thank you, mojay, for your care and concern.  a tip of my hat to you for making those supportive phone calls to the capitol  i'm afraid it's going to be a bumpy ride for the next few days.  we'll hang tough together in wishing for love and peace. :hug:

my dear hope - the image you painted went straight to my heart.  thank you for that, and for the warm, embracing hug.  back atcha!   :bighug:

did some work today w/ my t on the idea of safer and feeling afraid of thinking/believing/living with that.  quite the oxymoron.  but, i did a set of eye movements holding those 2 images together and it was quite productive.  i'd said i was afraid that without such hyper-vigilence i would crumble, because it's what's held me up for most of my life.  what happened was that the 'safer' message turned into steel rods that inserted themselves into my legs, sliding in behind my knees, to provide the support i was worried wouldn't be there anymore, and the fear went outside me, like they traded places.  it felt good, strong, but it was all i could do for today.

still, i know it's huge, and i'm waiting to see if those rods hold up and remain in place.  time is what i need for that.  i also touched on the threesome of my ex, my D1, and my first therapist, how i was triple-teamed by those narcs for 8 yrs.  it was too big, tho, so we contained them, put them in a box in a corner, and will begin teasing them apart next week.  lots of work, lots of stress - no wonder i was so tired today!

one foot in front of the other . . . .

Wowser bowser, san, that's a huge amount of work you did with your T.  :cheer:

The image with the steel rods is so strong! My experience with imagination / imagery work is that the images represent or reflect something in me. So something in you has that strength. You just needed to send the fear somewhere else and you did! I know it still takes time to integrate the work so those rods stay in place, but you've done it once now, so it's a good, huge step!

Hope you  get lots of rest today  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:  :hug: :hug:

thanks, blueberry, for such wonderful validation of the work i've been doing.  i was quite tired the entire day of my session, and yesterday, all i could do was cuddle up the entire day.  no energy whatsoever.  feeling better today, tho. :hug:

we've got people coming to the house for a showing today.  someone was supposed to come thurs., but didn't show.  i guess this is going to be a regular thing from here on out, and we'll have to put up with it, but honestly, the thought of strangers roaming thru our home during this time when the virus is mutating and is more easily transmissable, scares the crapola out of me. we've said they have to wear masks and gloves, or sanitize anything that's been touched before they leave, but just the idea that strangers will be traipsing through our place, into all our rooms is extremely anxiety-producing.   :aaauuugh:

i felt more comfortable yesterday just taking the day for myself, even tho my d wanted to walk with me, or interact with me.  i just didn't do any of those things, but stayed cuddled up in my chair in the living room.  for some reason, and i was thinking about this the other night, my chair feels safer, somehow, more like i'm being swaddled and cuddled than when i'm in my bed.  it's a rocker-recliner, and i've got pillows and shawls on it that really kind of surround and support me 'just so', which keeps me feeling quite taken care of.  maybe when i'm not doing well, i'm returning to a more child=like state, so all the cushy feeling of that chair surrounding me is like getting cuddled, which i don't remember having had that as a child.  my bed is more like where my adult self can sleep.  hmmm . . .

San, I'm so sorry this whole house showing is very nerve wracking and stressful, sending you my support and care for that  :hug:
I'm happy that you're able to feel the warmth for your younger self in your chair, brought a smile to my face  :hug: Sending you a big hug too , you've had so much going on :bighug:

Sanmagic, it sounds like you are making great strides to feel safer between the visualization of steel support rods and using your comfy chair.
Very very happy to hear you felt more comfortable taking the day to yourself :)
Cheering you on for the use of the tools you've developed and because you wrote that you will be working on the narc box so I am sending you much support for that endeavor  :cheer:

hey, marta, thanks so much for the support and the care.  very appreciated. :hug:

dear mojay, thank you, too, for all the support with the work i'm doing.  it feels wonderful. :hug:

looks like it's time to start a new journal - i've made it a practice of starting fresh when i hit 25 pages, and here i am at 26.  thank you all - i'll see you in the next chapter! :grouphug:

 :hug: