Out of the Storm

When I last wrote a post here I honestly thought I would leave. At the very least, for longer than this.

But I feel that I have drained my best friends resources, and I have lost Lady T and my doctor and support nurse is on vacation. And I need to talk.

The family dog of over 13 years is going to be put down, most likely next week. He has had heart problems for years now. He lost control over both urine and feces over a year ago. He has steadily but surely gotten weaker in his hind legs. He's been happy and full of energy until recently. He is still happy, but he is tired now. He doesn't want to go for walks, he can't play anymore, he can barely wag his tail. He is awake and alert, and he wants the cuddles and to be with his flock. Occasionally he will bark at people walking on the street or chase the cat.
We have known that this is where it's going. I just... I am not good at good-byes. His love has always been unconditional.
I know that this is pre-emptive grief. And that afterwards I will grieve. I know it is normal and that it is healthy. That grieving is a way of acknowledging how much that someone had meant to me.
I am just not good with emotions, I push them away because I don't know how to carry them alone. And I am alone. I am living with my parents, so in a way I am not alone. But..it's hard to describe and explain. And I just.. I just don't want to explain.

My sister told me that soon before gran died she had confused her with me and apologized. My sister says she's told me this before, but I don't recall. She told me that she had told gran that she shouldn't have to worry, that she (I) am not angry. Although, we never did manage to heal the wound that happened... At least, I think she knew I wasn't angry. I miss her so much. It's been years now. But I still haven't deleted her phone number, and I still keep seeing her in old ladies of her same height. She would hate to put the dog down too. Everyone does.

I gave Lady T a gift on my last session with her. I was disconnected, so I wasn't able to tell her the things I wanted to say. So now I am writing a book about trauma... Not my trauma, but a simplified FAQ book about trauma for people who doesn't speak medical language... I don't know if I will ever finish it or do something about it... Because it is part a reaction to anger over something I became aware of.

---TW---

(Short explanation: someone went online and wrote an "apology letter" for bad behaviour towards women. Of sexual harassment and abuse after they had been outed by one of their victims. And they were being applauded for "apologizing". It made me so angry. I haven't been that angry for years. I haven't ever allowed myself to feel that angry.)

--- End of TW ---

And it is part so I can contact Lady T to get a professional opinion about the book. I have other doctor friends I could ask, but not psychologists or psychiatrists. It's a thought, but it makes me feel like I am stepping over a boundary if I actually reach out. Although she did say she would love to attend my art shows, whenever I have them next.

And then I realised today something about my childhood. I was quite young when I decided I wouldn't amount to anything. That I couldn't do anything. It is silly example maybe. Maybe I read too much into it..
When I was being taught how to bike I refused to believe my mother when she told me I was biking on my own. Even when she was running next to me showing me she wasn't holding the bike I was on. I got so angry I threw the bike aside and refused to go on it again because "I can't do it!" (meaning =I am a failure!). I didn't touch the bike again until end of the season or the next season when I saw an older boy being awful at biking. That's when I thought I too could do it. It's a silly pattern, and maybe a silly example. But to me it tells me that I thought already then that I needed to be perfect on the first try. I needed to succeed early, and when I never did it just underlined my belief I had about me already that I am a loser.
So I then have to work harder in order to be average. But it's so exhausting.

I honestly thought I had stopped believing in perfection in my mid 20s. But I think it is so deeply ingrained in me, that when I say I need to be " good enough" I really do mean "perfect", because anything less isn't acceptable. I won't be liked, or approved of, or accepted if I did anything less. The problem is of course that everyone has different views on what is actually perfect.. and I can't seem to please everyone all the time...  But I keep trying, because I don't know how to stop. And also because I had honestly thought that I was past it.

I feel terrible already for posting here. For taking up space.

Part of me hopes someone will read and comment. And part of me hopes not because I know I am still not capable of being there for others in the capacity that I want.

Sceal,

I appreciate you sharing your story here.  A lot of what you wrote resonates with me the part about feeling like you aren't able to be there for people the way you would like. 

For me, I have had to learn to accept that others can be there for me so that I can be heard and heal.  I often feel bad that I am not  someone others in my life come to in a time of need or to share their stories.  I hope that one day I can be a listening ear like so many people have been for me of late.

I think it is ok to be in different roles at different parts of our journey.

I appreciate how brutally hard it was to acknowledge what's been happening with your dog's declining health of late. I've gone through lots of those, never easily.

I share your views about the difficulty of accepting that we can be good enough without being perfect. I tell myself that, but it seems easily forgotten; the habits are so deep, built on all the pain of past times. I keep forgetting those are only fragments of a past no longer mine; so your tale is so familiar. The worst is that I give up easily.

Good to hear you're at least taking steps about the book. Even  if that were never to get in print, it's still worthwhile to put forth the creative spark in assembling your ideas.

Regarding your posts here, they've always been worthwhile and welcome. I think lots of us (I know I do) are hesitant because we think no one else cares, but then we find it's doubly hard if not impossible to find anyone, anywhere, who understand much about the ups and downs of this journey we're on.

Thanks for coming back, Sceal. As you are -- continuing to trek on despite the hazards affected by what happened before.

Take good care of yourself.  :hug:

 :hug: oh Sceal,
I'm so sorry about your dog. My dogs got old and died about 7 years back now, I'm planning on getting a new one when I'm done with school. It's so hard to say good bye to a friend who loves so unconditionally.  My thoughts will be with you My friend send a hug of support :hug:
As for the feeling not good enough and having to be perfect being so ingrained from such a young age I still fight that battle too I'm sure many of us do because of our trauma we struggle with the big why weren't we good enough to love question?  Whether we are able to name or face it yet or not. The truth is love should be unconditional like that which comes from our pets. People just screw it up and put limitations and rules on to it sometimes making it unattainable.  I think you are an amazing person! And are great just the way you are! Perfect Sceal!  Sending a big smile 😊 and Hug my friend! :hug:

Although I'm sorry about the circumstances that have led you to post here again, I am glad to see you again.  :)

I also have had dogs that I've had to put down, and another one coming up soon; I don't really want to count how many, and at times it's very painful. But I comfort myself with believing that I will see them again someday.

Don't worry about by there for others, or taking space, or anything like that - when you post, your experiences and your pain are likely to touch on something that someone else needs to hear. You don't always have to respond to others to get a compassionate response for yourself. It's okay, we understand.

Sceal,

I'm glad that you came back and posted. I still care about you and you are warmly welcome here.

I'm so sorry about your dog. That is really heartbreaking and you've had a lot of losses lately.

:grouphug:

So many warm-hearted replies. Thank you so much everyone.

To Rainydiary:
Thank you for your validation. I am saddened that you also feel this guilt, it's hard to carry around. I hope I can learn like you, to accept that I'm at the part of my journey where I need to speak, and not listen too much.  Acceptance of things and situations are not my strongest trait.

To woodsgnome:
Thank you for reaching out, your posts have often resonated with me. They have felt familiar and similar to my own experiences.

I think that even if were I not to send the book to any publishers, at the very least I will learn more about trauma and it's consequences. Not just my own, but more in a broader perspective. And I do like to learn things, even if it drains me.

I also worry, like I am sure many here do, that my experiences isn't worth complaining about. Or that they are less than other people's experiences. I am trying to let go of the comparison tendencies I have within art, but perhaps I need to let it go in other areas of my life too.

To Tee:
I am not sure if I could personally get my own dog when I finally get a home of my own. There's too much pain when loosing them. He is currently snoozing next to me as I am supposed to be working on artwork.  And I keep tearing up everytime I think about that he has less than a week left. I've had to let go of so many people this year, letting go of him is worse, because he will be truly gone. :'(

To ThreeRoses:
I hope you are right, that we'll see them again some day. I didn't grow up in a religious environment, so I'm not so sure about whether or not I believe in life-after-death, or heaven, or whatnot. But a part of me really doesn't want not to believe it.

I just deeply wish I had the excess capacity to be there fully for other people.

To notalone:
Thank you so much for your kind words and your hugs.

I read today on twitter that if you are trying to rest but feel guilty about not doing the work you think you should be doing, then you're not really resting, which will lead to never really feeling on top of your game. It'll feel like a grind, and eventually lead to a burnout.
I think this is right, I've experienced this in the past. Yet, at the same time.. I can't seem to find a way to relax. I can't do nothing. I can't watch a movie or a tv-show without starting to analyze, I can't read a book without analyzing, or feeling like I should be reading a theoretical book instead of a fantasy novel, or feeling that I should be writing on my own book. I can't play a game without looking at the art, and I can't scroll on Social Media because my feeds are filled with art and art-tips. Watching really old tv-shows with my parents makes me restless, it's pouring outside so it's not really all that interesting to go for a walk. Cuddling the dogs makes me sad and restless.. And I keep thinking about all the art I should be doing.
I do want to create, I do want to work on the projects, but the moment I sit down or stand up to do it, I just.. I don't seem to be able to make any good decisions.

My body is stressed, my mind is stressed and I can't get a good release from it. I keep it in, I bottle it up, and I can't get it out.
I've done all the typical tips:
Drink soothing tea
Watch a movie
listen to music
cuddle the dogs
go for a walk (before the rain started)
clean
remind myself of the good things
remind myself of the things and people I'm grateful for
nap
play games
Stretch out and breathe

I don't quite know how to let go.

 :hug: I started doing archery. Learning something new that requires focus and also allows for frustration release as well.  It helps me relax some because my mind continues to run through all the back log off my trauma. Any time I'm not focused on work our school. I get what your saying about everything triggering you to think about something else it's hard especially when your stuck in your house.  Struggling with you. Big hugs. :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on July 26, 2020, 03:13:06 PM
I read today on twitter that if you are trying to rest but feel guilty about not doing the work you think you should be doing, then you're not really resting, which will lead to never really feeling on top of your game. It'll feel like a grind, and eventually lead to a burnout.

Oh that speaks to me! Thanks for posting it Sceal.

"Supposed to be doing" / "Should be doing". I see you are "supposed to be doing artwork" but I can imagine it might feel and even be far more important to you to sit with your dog for his final week :'( :hug: :hug:  I am always devastated when my pets die and I always wish I'd spent more time with them, though I do spend a lot of time on and with them.

As to 'letting go', a question I can sometimes ask myself about any kind of blockage goes along the lines of "What else don't I want to let go?" Though that can bring up too much or be triggering.

Another possibility is EFT / tapping: "I accept myself even though I can't let go." (or whatever other sentence occurs to you).  Sometimes I fall asleep doing EFT. My T says that's good because at least I relax enough to fall asleep. But sometimes I do 2-3 rounds, feel better and get up and start doing things.

hey, sweet sceal,

you have nothing to apologize, as you would tell me if i apologized for not being here for you lately.  sometimes we need to step away, sometimes we need to simply focus on ourselves, sometimes we have enough energy to spread ourselves around.  there's no right or wrong way, no bad or good way.  we're all birds on a wire, as my hub would say about anyone in recovery.  we do what we can when we can.

i've lived under that 'perfection' core belief most all my life, and don't know if i'm quite out of it still.  it totally sucks that we don't believe we can just be people, with people emotions, strengths, and flaws.  it's a tough one, for sure.

i, too, have had to put dogs down, and it's a sad day.  my heart is with you.   :hug:

i'm glad you were able to come here after so much of your support system has gone.  i so appreciate you.  i remember you telling me once that even if you had a broken arm, you'd find a way to show support to me.  it's things like that which are remembered about you.  you've made a difference in lives here, a pos. difference, even if it's hard to hear it.  i'm with you, sceal, even if i can't always tell you that.  much love and very sorry about the circumstances that brought you back, but i'm glad to see you anyway.   :bighug:

I appreciate your words, blueberry and San.
I am sorry I haven't replied to them, and that I won't right now.

I am exhausted.
I don't know what is the root of all this stress, but I feel the tension, I feel the elevated activation in my body. I have for weeks. But it is at the point where I am worn out now. I have naps several times a day now.
I know I need them, that much is obvious. But it doesn't mean I like them.
I keep pretending I am fine, mostly because emotionally, most of the time I feel very little.
I get frustrated and I think it is about my art. But if I stop for half a second  and think I know that's just on the surface... But I am not willing to go deeper.
I want to withdraw.
Instead I put on a smile and pretend everything is good. I lie. Most of all, I lie to myself.
Just writing this has earned me another nap.. and I just woke up from one.

ya know, facing your reality can be exhausting, for sure.  i think you did really well writing all that down.

i'm glad you're taking naps because they're what feel like you need.  always remember, this, too, shall pass.  i think if you just go with it for now, things will become clearer for you sooner.  sending love and a hug filled with acceptance. :hug:

Thank you San.

I'm not normally the kind that stays in bed. I'm usually too restless for it, too unsafe in a bed to stay there for very long. So it's not a place I hide out.

I usually hide out in a dark room, closet, or whatever. The only problem is - those aren't particularly comfortable anymore. Also.. not a lot of closets that fit me anymore.

I just don't..
I just don't want anything.

 :bighug:

 :hug: Sceal my friend I'm sorry I haven't been on the last couple of days. I've been working and trying to stay present through the pain I'm in from the car accident. 
Taking naps helps your mind rest. It's perfectly normal to need to rest when you are facing your inner demons even if you are running from them.  Allow yourself to process and go deeper pay the at if you need to who knows maybe in doing so it will help you be able to do your art once again.  I'm here if you need to talk big understanding hug :hug:

Thank you San and Tee.  :hug:

I woke up at 6 this morning. Cleaned part of the kitchen and spent nearly 2 hours baking crisp bread. They didn't succeed perfectly, but we'll enough to eat.
I had a nap with the dogs on me. I did some cleaning of the floor and i put on laundry.
I went upstairs once my parents came back.

I just walked back down to.. I don't really know. I was met with I am walking too quietly and I was supposed to clean the kitchen..
I am defeated.
I can't go anywhere, because I have no where to go and no money to spend. I also have zero energy.
I picked up my bag and just went back upstairs again.

It's stupid. I should be able to withstand this. To laugh it off. But I am not, all I feel is that I am in the way. I am wrong. I am not good enough.
I know it's just emotions and thoughts and that doesn't mean it is true.
But they are overpowering any sense of logic. My defences are gone. I'm too exhausted.

dear sweet sceal, if i may disagree with you, i don't think you 'should' be able to do anything like that.  you've been hit hard from many sides in the past few months, and i believe you may still be grieving.  there is no 'should' to how we can expect ourselves to react or respond.  whatever comes up, that's just how we are at the moment.  you'll get there, i don't doubt that, to where you want to be.  it just might take more time than you anticipated.

in the meantime, i'm here, we're here, we've got you.  i hope you can get all the rest you need.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San, I know that the word "should" is dangerous for us with cptsd. That it comes up way to often and it might have a more impact on us than if we weren't struggling with cptsd. Or, well, I don't actually know since I haven't experienced it.

Eitheway, I had a break and sucked it up. Then I went back downstairs again and cleaned up the rest. I don't know if it was appreciated or not. It wasn't commented on. So it wasn't bad at the very least.

We all went to the vet today to the check up. I nearly started crying. I know everyone saw i was struggling. But I don't care. They let me choose a day for putting him down.  There and then I felt it was considerate, so that I could be there. But now everytime I think about it, it makes me feel like I am the executioner.

I somehow managed to go do my mma..it felt good.. but I am wrecked now.

 :hug:

 :hug: sending you so much support Sceal, I’m sorry you’re going through this. But I know you’ll get through this.

Dear Sceal,
I wish I could find the right words - but there don't seem to be any adequate ones that I can find, so I'd like to send you a heartfelt hug  :hug:  I am sorry you're going through this. 
Hope  :)

 :hug:

So sorry to hear this. Even though it may be the most compassionate thing to do in a situation, it doesn't ease the grief to know that. Sending as much virtual support as possible.  :hug:

Thank you all.

I am spending as much time as I can with my dog. Taking him places so he can sit in the car, and feel like he's coming along to trips ( he loves riding cars) and let him sniff new places, or places he hasn't been to in forever. Give him loads of treats and cuddles. He loves the sun, so he's been lying in that most of the day.
I have work to do, and I need to occupy my mind with other things - so I can't be with him ALL the time. But then I feel guilty and I go down and pet and cuddle him. He's so used to it now that he keeps barking to get my attention. It's driving my parents nuts in the morning, because he wakes them up at 6.

I watched a youtube video today about the trump administration and covid19 situation and the reactions people from around the world had to some of the claims and statistics that's come out of the US. I knew it was bad, I didn't know HOW bad it was. I still think I don't quite know how bad it actually is.
It makes me feel so many things. Im so sad for them, how are they to re-gain their lives after this? How are they to re-build their lives - when their government is literally working AGAINST the people?

 :hug: I'm glad you are able to spend some more time with your dog. Dogs are good therapy. :hug:
Yeah I just found out that both of my kids will be starting the school year online schooling this year.😔😢 They both miss their friends and teachers.  :Idunno: I'm not sure this is going to work.  :no:

So sorry you are going through this with your dog. So painful.  :hug:

1 week and 1 hour left...

 :hug:

 :hug: sending you much love Sceal. I'm sorry you're going through this :hug:

Thank you snowdrop and Martha.

I lost my temper today. The younger dog wouldn't stop barking. I am also feeling like I suck at art and that all I am doing is wrong.

I don't get anyone interested in striking up a conversation, people aren't interested in buying my art or commissioning me or interacting with me on social media when I comment on their art or they rarely comment on things I put out.  It hurts. Art is the only thing I got left. I need it to work... But I can't seem to o figure out how to make it work.

Surely someone would be interested in the kind of theme I do.. how do I find them

Sceal, I've just caught up on your thread and wanted to send you a hug  :hug: 

 :hug: hugs I am sure you will find your way stay strong! :hug:

I am sitting on the floor, next to the dog. He got anxious because I started bawling. I am not usually much of a crier. but the last few days have been hard.
I really don't want to lose him. But this is *. Waiting for the days until Friday, when he is no more.
I know he is tired. He loves the sun, but the last few days have been to warm for him.

I took my first anxiety medication today. First one this year.
Again I just feel like I am drowning.

I did a thing with my art, opened up a place so people have the possibility to donate some small euro for me if they like what I do. Another friend did it earlier in the day and some of our mutual friends congratulated her! But nothing... Nothing for me. I am not really surprised, but... That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I know they aren't my audience target, but... They are supposed to be friends? They asked me if I could comment more on their posts and share their things. Which I happily do, but.. nothing in return.

I don't have a lot of art folks I talk to these days. And asking people to share feels awkward and... Degrading. Like I am begging for it, or forcing them to do something they don't like. Maybe they just don't like my art.

I don't know anymore.

2 more days.
Barely that.
I am grieving. I don't know how to express it. I just clamp up. It hurts. I want to numb. I want to not care about things.

But I care. I care so much.

And I keep fighting. Sometimes it feels like I have a quiet war with everyone.
A war they don't know about.
I want to be seen, and it feels like people think they know me because they have known me for so long and take things for granted.
But I still don't know who I am and they deciding for me is making me drown on the inside.
It makes me feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to.
I feel so alone.
And now I am losing a creature that has loved me and taken me for whatever and whoever I am and just loved he'd me. I am going to miss him so much.

Sceal, I hurt for all the pain you are experiencing.

He is gone.

I am so, so sorry. :hug:

Hi Sceal,
I am so sorry.  Sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

so very sorry, sweet sceal.  i've had a similar experience, and it was gut-wrenching. like my best friend was being taken away. :hug:

I'm so sorry Sceal :hug: :hug: I know that pain. As san says, it's gut-wrenching.

Oh, Sceal :hug:  I mourn for the loss of your beloved friend  :'(

Thank you everyone.

Yesterday was.. there's no words.
[TW: death]

I still see his lifeless little body on the table, I was stroking his fur when they put him down. I hope he knew I was there. The entire family was there.
I feel sick. Like I can't really gather the strength in my body. Like this body isn't mine.
I fell asleep early last night, I slept for about 12 hours, so my body hurts. I can't muster energy to do anything. Nothing really matters. Every time I go downstairs I look for him. Or I keep listening to hear if he's barking for me. Or following me around. But he's not. And he never will again.
The other dog is restless. I know she can feel our grief, and I know she's confused looking for her bestie. I hope she wont be too sad. I hope she'll be okay.

I'm nauseous and dizzy.
I know this is grief.
I don't know how to make the day pass by.
Nothing matters. I really don't care about anything. About art, about working out, about reading.

please, sceal, take your time with this, ok?  patience and kindness coming your way in a hug also filled with lots of love and caring. :hug:

Hi Sceal, I am thinking of you.  Sending you a hug filled with care and love too  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you everyone, for your continued support and warm good thoughts being sent my way.

It has been a moment, or it feels like that since I've been in here.

I detached my emotion, my grief from myself. I still am. I eat more than I should, (not drastically, but still) and I avoid.

I am having a bad gut feeling about people. There's a friend (?) who I feel keep lording things over me, yet at the same time she praises my art, it's very confusing. And it's resulting in me talking less and less with her in private. I don't know if I should just phase her out entirely, or just wait and see. Maybe I'm overreacting. It's scary when it's art friends, because if I blow up in their faces and they spread rumours about me being difficult to work with then that will be it art-career wise.

My supervisor at work snapped at me the other day for "being too thorough", I am very confused about this too. I didn't know that being thorough was a bad thing, but she definitively thought I was being annoying or ridiculous. There was no smile or humour in her behaviour as she usually is. I can't make it out if she's annoyed at me, or if she dislikes me, or if she got something going on at her own end. I also have no idea what to do about this.
I don't dare to tell her how I feel. Because that would be creating a conflict, and I don't a) want an open conflict and b) I don't want to be "that difficult person to work with"

In both of these cases, although I am not super upset - I think that at the core of me those situations make me angry. Not really being able to access anger very clearly, I tend not to understand when I am actually angry unless I explode. Which tends to confuse everyone, as it tends to appear out of nowhere (to them). But also, I can't seem to let go of it.
I have work in the morning, and I dread going in. Despite my supervisor not being there this week.

standing at your side, sceal.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San! <3

I jumped into working out. Last week I had 4 hours with intense HIT workout divided on two days. This week I got 5 hours.
I'm clumsy, not very well balanced. But I've noticed that if I eat better before the workouts I have less of a brain fog.
I still struggle with connecting to my body properly again. But I think it's getting closer.
The gallery was asking me yesterday if I was going to come to the opening night, and I asked what time it is, and I said I might not make it because I got my workout, they weren't very well pleased with me. But I realised later on that It's not going to be a conflict.
I find this interesting because it tells me a little bit more about what my priority is right now: It's me.
I've got a disagreement with some of the people at the gallery, and I've lost a lot of respect for them - and thus I am not so loyal and no longer all that invested in them. That doesn't mean I'm down prioritizing my art-career, not at all.
I had the guts to send in an application for a big shot art competition - I don't believe I am even close to a shot at becoming a finalist, but it's more the fact that I applied, and that I did it without thinking "no one is interested in seeing my art". I know that my art isn't that great, but maybe one day it will become so.

there's been a shift in my mentality this past year. I know that for many 2020 has been an awful year, but for me it's been a bag of mixed beans. I've had my challenges. Some of them were big, but yet at the same time - I'm still standing, and I think I am standing stronger than I've ever had to before.
I even have a minor crush on someone, which is incredible insane. It'll just complicate matters if he ever finds out, and I'm not sure I'll dare to take that rejection right now. Mainly because then it'll become super awkward at the gym.
I'm learning to go with my gut feeling, I am feeling a little queasy about how things are done at my gallery. I feel like they are subconciously looking down at us, that we aren't proper artists because of our circumstances, and because many of us havent completed the formal education within art. Which is a lot of BS, because artist isn't a protective title, and besides many of the historical great ones weren't affiliated with a university of art. But they seem to forget that. No one likes to walk around feeling deevaluated and/or judged.
Once upon a time I would have just let them, I wouldn't have realised that this behavior and mindset actually makes me quite angry. But I am, I don't feel it per-say, but I can hear it when I start talking about them and I can read the frustration between the lines. Even if I can't actually feel the emotion.

hey, sceal,

wow!  there's so much going on in your post, and a lot of it sounds really positive.  yay for you!

connecting w/ your body in a new way - that's huge.  doing your workouts, prioritizing you as your main focus sounds absolutely wonderful.

i had an artist friend who also struggled w/ the whole art degree thing, believed she wasn't being taken seriously w/ her art unless she got that MFA to put after her name.  personally, i think it's a shame that there's judgment around that, especially if someone looks down on you for not having it. 

good luck w/ your application - whether or not you're accepted i applaud you for putting it in :applause:  well done!

you sound stronger in this post than i've heard from you in a while.  i hope you can continue to build on it, remember what you've gone thru to get to that place, and give yourself a big pat on the back.  i'm proud of you!  love and hugs, sweet sceal. :hug:

Hi Sceal
Connecting more with your body in a new way, I agree with SanMagic how huge that is.  I would also like to wish you good luck for your application.  I really hope the outcome is positive, and whatever happens, you are approaching things, and that's brave (in my opinion).
Sending you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you both, San and Hope <3
I was day dreaming as I fell asleep last night that they would call me from the museum and tell me that I was one of the finalist. And even as I daydreamt about it I started crying. And I realised that it would mean so much to me to be recognised that way. I don't think I would fully believe them, or that it would change drastically how I view myself and my art, but I think it would maybe plant a seed that one day I would perhaps see the potential value of my art.
I know that people have seen things in my art that spoke to them, and that is beautiful. I hope to re-create that enough times so it will actually become a viable income down the road.
It's an uphill battle, like all the others. It's confusing, exhausting, disoriating. I haven't really created anything big in months now, because I've been trying to understand the business side of things. And each time I think about picking up a pencil I get a little scared of "what if it sucks?" It doesn't matter if i don't need to show it to anyone, because I would have the confirmation in-front of my eyes that I am not good enough. And I think that is something that people who try to tell me to just draw, that I don't have to share it with everyone doesn't fully comprehend.
I think that for us, who have been through so much *, that the only way for us to start seeing ourselves as the thing people keep telling us (I mean in the positive light) is to see it for ourself, and to accept ourselves. It's nice to hear, but I don't know about you, but for me... I just think they are lying to me when they tell me I look pretty today, or that my painting is nice and has good qualties of something. I think they are just looking for something nice to say so I don't feel like crap.
Just like at boxing when at the end of the session they say it's been a good session today, and they are seeing good progress.. I keep thinking "they are talking about everyone else - how can I improve equally as fast as they do, how can I catch up?". Of course, it also doesn't help right now that I am "hot for teacher"  ;D

 :)  'hot for teacher' put a smile on my face, sceal.  sometimes that kind of thing can color our perspective on things, right?

i understand the whole validation thing you're talking about.  i've had that 'this is our flaky therapist, san' introduction hanging over my head for decades. even getting published in a professional journal didn't quite erase it.  i brought my own brand of creative therapy to the table, but she dismissed it as invalid, which made me doubt myself, too.

unfortunately, in the creative world, no matter which area you're in, it's always outside validation that seems to count the most. i think marketing is the most difficult part of that - we have to 'sell' our product even as we sometimes struggle with its worth when viewed from our own perspective.

sitting next to you, sceal, as you go thru this.  love and hugs, :hug:

I almost, almost dared to ask him for a private lesson yesterday. My shoulder is dealing with a minor injury, so I wont get as much out of the workouts as I'd like. But also, there's some elements that I struggle with that I think would benefit from getting some extra lessons in - although I realise I might be too distracted if I ask him. :P 
whatever it is, it is giving me a little butterflies, and that's quite enjoyable.

I remember in dbt training, that getting validation is something that we all require so much. It's hard to get, because people often don't listen, they are waiting their turn to say the things that are on their minds. I have to catch myself from doing that in a lot of times too. I think that is why I whine so much when things get hard, because I'm not being seen or heard by my friends. They just want to "fix" me or the problem, and it makes me feel as they don't have the confidence that I can do it myself.

I am sorry to hear that you've had the 'flaky therapist' hanging over you. Have you felt that way because of your trauma, and your lack of putting words to emotions? I've had so many therapists throughout the years, and the ones who were creative was far better than the ones who were rigid and tried to put me and my illness into a box. Because of this rigidity, I believe, they misdiagnosed me for 12 years.

My problem with outside validation is that it has to come from the "correct" people, and I never really know who they are. My friends and family aren't the "correct" people, I will just assume that they are saying things to cheer me up, or make me happy. So I never quite believe them to be honest, which to be fair, is quite rude of me. Why do I hold them closest to me, if I keep thinking they are lying to me? :P I suppose it's a defense mechanism mixed between "I don't want to end up in the cult-like thing again where I take everything for face value" and "if I believe all that they say, then I might get entitled or high on myself, and I don't want that."
It gets very black and white thinking, I'm realising as I'm writing this out. I'll have to consider that a little bit.

Quote from: Sceal on September 08, 2020, 05:02:07 AM
whatever it is, it is giving me a little butterflies, and that's quite enjoyable. 

Neat!  ;D

I wanted to respond to what you wrote about validation, but my mind is really jumbled. I guess I'll just say that I heard and understood what you wrote.

To notalone: I understand the feeling of being scrambled brain. It's not pleasant, I hope you feel better soon. <3

I had boxing today, my shoulder has been acting up since Sunday so I haven't been able to participate 110% which bothers me. But also now the main instructor is back, and he is making us go through the very basic of basic - which is really good. But also frustrating because I end up feeling more clutsy than I have been lately.
And I realised today that I prefer going together with those who are better than me, because then my competitive brain doesn't turn on. But today I was the only non-newbie newbie. And I felt I should have understood things more easily, so I got flustered and I have been beating myself up about it for hours. I also think it is because he kept correcting me, but now that I write this down I think it is better to be corrected than to be ignored like I mostly have been. Well, not ignored but I haven't been really corrected as much. I have sort of blended into the environment and not been noticed. Which is my comfort zone. I want to join in, without being noticed.

I also asked mr.crush if he could show me sometime outside group, which they keep saying they can. But he said no, basically. Maybe I am not good enough yet, or he feels awkward about it. I don't know. Could be a million reasons..
I have kept telling myself for being brave for asking.. but it doesn't really sink in. I am fairly bummed out and really nervous about seeing him again tomorrow

I got a shoulder injury. It keeps aching. I suppose rest is the only medicine, as nothing else has helped yet. But I am restless.

I need boxing and kickboxing.
Thursday was a better day. I performed better, I had my focus back.
Although I found mr. Crush on tinder and I pushed like. He hasn't matched back. Although, that doesn't have to mean anything. He might not have logged on, he might not have come across me yet - or he might just not be interested.

I don't think I have a lot to come with or entertain with. Although I feel more like me and myself at the gym. I smile all the time when I am there. I don't feel overly judged. Perhaps by a few of them, but I think it is more a misjudgement. They see my weight and think I can't do it. Well, I am going to prove them wrong.

I feel kind of sick too, sort of but not really. I got my period, so it might just be my body trying to catch up with me.

I keep having nightmares again now. Nightmares of not finding important things. About being chased, about not being safe, about losing safe people, about my ex. Guilt and shame is what I wake up to. Even writing this right now gave me an enormous bodily reaction of nausea.
I don't know what it is that I am processing.

Sending you a hug Sceal, :hug: and I'm happy that you feel better after doing something you like :) Sending you support and love to help you relax (as much as I can).  :hug:

hey, sceal,

i think the 'flaky therapist' comment hit me so hard because, for one, it came from my supervisor, and for another, it was, once again, not being accepted for who i am, my individual ways of looking at the world and my profession.  not being accepted for me is definitely a c-ptsd thing, especially from someone in an authority position.  i didn't dress like an authority-type therapist where i worked, so was judged neg. from first sight.  i wasn't 'fashionable'. i also bent the therapy 'rules' at times because i believed the girls i worked with had a different dynamic to address - i worked as a day treatment therapist, while the rest of the therapists worked in the residential sector.  it was a completely different mindset.

i understand what you mean, also, by getting the validation from the 'correct' people.  it really does make a difference.

i agree with you about the possibility that you're processing something that's coming out in your subconscious thru dreams. 

in the end, tho, i'm so glad for you that you feel more yourself when you're at the gym, doing your thing, feeling it, working yourself in a way that's good for you.  having an environment like that w/o judgments is so encouraging to keep going, to my mind.  keep up the good work, sweet sceal.  love and hugs :hug:

To Marta1234, Thank you for the hug! I appreciate it :)

To San: Standing out and being different takes guts. It is also really hard and difficult, especially when you really want acceptance for who you are, or at the very least for your professionalism.  It might be a little late saying this now, considering you don't work there anymore but: Their judgement is on them. Not you. The fault lies with them and their narrowmindedness. You are a wonderful person who has so much to give, and I am sure those girls who you helped got better treatment because you saw them for what they needed, not just simply by following a regiment. All size fits all doesn't work when it comes to health matters.

---

I've been so focused on going to the gym this week, I'm breaking down my body a little bit. I think my immune system is getting a little compromised, although I am not sure. I feel fine most of the time, except for the sore muscles, and then occasionally I get this funny feeling in my ears. Like the beginning of an ear-infection. But it makes no sense to get an ear infection now. I'm drinking loads of tea with lemon, honey and ginger though, so hopefully that's boosting it again. And I'm making sure I am dry and warm, and if it rains I will get out of the wet clothes quickly. Also, if I sleep proper, or get enough naps - I always end up feeling right back on top again.  I hope it's just my body adjusting to my new life-style.

Talking about new life-style.
I noticed today that I really want to get good at this martial art thing, and that I really want to up my game and to be impressive. And then I started wondering... Who am I doing this for again? I need to remember to play the long game this time. It's not a sprint, not this time. It's more important that I let the body get used to this. I also need to stop myself from wanting to be impressive to others. This body now belongs to me. Not them, not him, not they, not her, not anyone else, but me. And I am also currently not competing against anyone but myself. And this is something I need to start to remember. This is my life, this is my body. If I am slower at getting a move, then so what. If I am quicker at getting another thing, so what? It really is my journey.
I. Need. To. Stop. Wanting. To. Impress. Other.People.Who.I.Want.To. Be.My. Friends.
I am enough.


right?
God I hope so. I am trying to convince myself of this.
Yet, that doesn't mean I will slack, I will work hard. And I will get to where I want to be. And maybe, maybe one day I will also get the guy. Maybe.

I need to write this down.
I will need reminders of this. Because it is incredible hard.

I was chatting with a friend from abroad. And she was talking about how hard it is to find honest people. People who aren't two-faced. Who will stab you in the back the second they get a chance.

And I realised something that's is going on inside of me.
I am slowly learning, and practicing, to put "the blame" where it is meant to be put.

If someone doesn't like me - well okay, they don't have to. It doesn't mean I am a bad person.
If someone snaps or yells at me at work for a mistake or misunderstanding : that doesn't mean I am a mistake or a terrible person. Heck, it might not even be *my* fault.
If someone isn't impressed with my progress: well, that is on them. They set a certain amount of expectations on me without including me in the process. I know I am working hard. I know I am getting progress. This is my life, my journey - not theirs. And I am no longer interested in trying to compete with them.
If someone things I am slacking; that is on them. I know when I am and when I am not. Also, I am not a machine - slacking is occasionally necessary.

My point is: I am aiming to no longer take responsibility for other people's behaviour, thoughts or opinions. Not even their feelings.
I am responsible for my reactions, my feelings, my boundaries and my behaviour. I will mess up, I will default to not setting boundaries.
I will forget I ever wrote all of this.

But... I will also learn. And I do not intend to give up.

Quote from: Sceal on September 16, 2020, 10:11:44 PM
If someone doesn't like me - well okay, they don't have to. It doesn't mean I am a bad person.
If someone snaps or yells at me at work for a mistake or misunderstanding : that doesn't mean I am a mistake or a terrible person. Heck, it might not even be *my* fault.
If someone isn't impressed with my progress: well, that is on them.

Way to go Sceal, that's huge!

Quote from: Sceal on September 16, 2020, 10:11:44 PM
I will forget I ever wrote all of this.

Maybe some of your friends on here will gently remind you ;)

Quote from: Sceal on September 16, 2020, 10:11:44 PM
But... I will also learn. And I do not intend to give up.

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Thank you blueberry.
I am trying to remind myself of this everyday.it is hard, but hopefully if I imprint it enough in my brain it'll stick?

Quote from: Sceal on September 16, 2020, 10:11:44 PM

My point is: I am aiming to no longer take responsibility for other people's behaviour, thoughts or opinions. Not even their feelings.
I am responsible for my reactions, my feelings, my boundaries and my behaviour. I will mess up, I will default to not setting boundaries.
I will forget I ever wrote all of this.

But... I will also learn. And I do not intend to give up.

Hi Sceal,
I also think it is huge that you have made this point - it is really well said.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope!

I feel there's a shift going on. And to be honest, I am fairly certain it has everything to do with starting kickboxing. I'm still new at it, I am still clumsy, but I'm learning things - and I'm gaining control over my body. And I can both visually see and feel a difference. It's so pleasing when I get super confused and have no idea how to do a move, and I try and try and just feel like bambi on ice, then a week or two later I suddenly know how to do it better.
I'm still fairly weak physically, I'm still clumsy. But I've pushed so hard the last few weeks and months on this, and it is really showing. The strangest part still is that I'm having so much fun doing it. It's really odd.
Everything else has taken a back-seat. Well, except for art that is.

Yesterday I had to send a message to a friend that I need to step out from his game. I feel bad about it, because it feels indulgent. It feels indulgent, because the reason I'm stepping out of his game is so that I can continue doing kickboxing monday to thursday. I don't want to compromise on my past time anymore. But I feel doubly bad, because I'm the one who convinced him to run a game, and I think he partially started it up for me - and now I'm quitting after just a few sessions. I do have fun, but I don't want to feel guilty about being late because I'm at the gym, or feeling guilty because I'm playing instead of working out. Or feel guilty that I'd much rather be sweating like a pig rather than sitting still in-front of a computer. It's too stressful trying to make it work. The other people in the group can't play on week-ends, so then I think it's best I step out. Although I feel * about letting him know late last night, and we're supposed to play on Monday. He hasn't replied to me yet, and I am nervous about it.
I feel I've started a conflict, even though I know I haven't. It should be perfectly okay for me to say no to a past time activity. When we started everything was on lockdown and it seemed like we had all the time in the world. But then things started changing on my end, and I don't have all the time in the world.

sceal, i think one of the most important and sanity-saving things we can do is learn to put the blame, shame, guilt where it belongs.  i agree, this is huge.  maybe using different parts of your body in different ways has helped loosen that up for you.  i give you so much credit!  what a fighter you are, in more than one aspect of that dynamic.   :applause:

so happy for you! :hug:

Thank you, San!

I was at a bachelorettes party this weekend, for a woman I have known most of my life. I think she rocks, I realised something though. I really do not fit in with her crowd. Or big part of them.
I get body locked, and I could feel my body stiffen and my self consciousness rising up. I don't really know why.
I just felt the complete opposite of comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't able to join in on the laughs organically. My serious side really kicked in. I wasn't a party downer, but my stress levels went sky-rocketing.
I got a few flashbacks later in the evening too.
Writing all of this makes it sound as if I had a bad time, I didn't as a whole.
But I did notice that I aren't comfortable.
I don't know what it is that puts me in that frame of being though. We don't have any bad history either.
I just didn't feel like me.

I've been feeling exhausted, nauseous, and achy all day. I've also not really wanted to be doing anything.
It took me a while.
But I think I know why. Despite the poor sleep.
It's because of the massive amount of socialization yesterday, and feeling like I didn't fit in properly. That I was stuck in some other body.
And it dawned on me.
I'm exhausted, and feeling *, and doesn't feel like this body belongs to me.. Because I'm stuck in a flashback.


**Trigger warning: SA**

We went to a jaccuzzi last night. I knew I didn't like them, but I'd forgotten why. I had literally forgotten why I hate them. And when we were in it, it was lovely. It was a beautiful sunset, good company, it was relaxing my sore muscles from my workouts.
It wasn't until a lot later, hours later actually, when someone else was talking about her bachelorette's party: and how her friends made her do stuff she really didn't want to and was anxiety filled. And I said out loud that wouldn't have been okay with me. I would have uninvited them to the wedding if they pushed my boundaries too far.
And it just came flooding back to me. The last time I was R*. It was a get-away week-end too. And booze and jaccuzzi was involved. I was terrified that whole week-end, I didn't really understand why I was so scared. I am not fully certain I understood I was scared either. If I were to guess today, I was dissociating in and out a lot. I drank. copious amounts. I didn't know how I was going to get through the night if I didn't. I knew he wouldn't listen, and maybe if I didn't remember then... it wouldn't be so bad?  Problem is.. the body remembers. And part of me remembers. Not in detail. I remember the hands under the bubbles in the jaccuzzi with the others in it. I remember being followed. I remember being served more and more drinks. I remember walking naked through the forest. And I remember waking up the next morning with the biggest bump on my head that I've ever had - without ANY recollection of what had happened. I kept asking people what had happened last night. I couldn't remember. and X came over to me in the end whispering to me that he and I had gone to the forest, and to stop asking questions. X's wife was there too. to me she was a threat as well, equally as dangerous as him - just in a different way.


** end of trigger warning*

So.. it's no wonder that today all I really, kind of want is a safe hug. But there's no one safe to actually hug me.
And there's a new guy at the gym that makes me nervous. I hope he wont be there tomorrow. I need to get this out of the system.
But I can't. I don't know how. I feel very alone.

here's a safe virtual hug for you, sceal. much love :hug:

Thank you San.

Right now, I am struggling.
I noticed today I have swollen lymph nodes. I found out by accident. I was adjusting my scarf because I was cold and accidentally bumped into my lymph nodes in my throat, and they were quite tender. My ears have been bothering me for over a week now.
Not greatly, but enough to be noticed as a nuisance.
I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday.  But I am impatient.
I want to know if I can still go to the gym, or if I need to take a break.

I am meeting some old colleagues tomorrow for dinner, maybe I can message them and ask if I can pop by their work and take a crp test before we head out to dinner. A doctor friend said I should be careful pushing too hard on workouts if I got an infection that the lymph nodes are working on as it can be sent to the heart. In worst case scenario.
So I am freaking out.

I really don't want to miss a workout.
I kind of want to work out twice a day if I am honest. To try and maximise my progress. I want to be seen, to be validated.

I want to get good. I want to feel good. To feel strong.

But right now.
All I feel is: shame and weakness.
Shame because my body is fat. I'm not skinny and fit - so I worry they don't take me seriously.

Weak because I can't seem to push myself harder at the gym.
I give up too soon.

I don't know if I am having any good progression or not. I'm not really getting any feedback. And I don't know how to ask for it.

Hi Sceal,
I am also sending you a virtual hug, which is safe and hopefully supportive  :hug:  At least you have your doctor's appointment tomorrow. 
Hope  :)

Yesterday was really good. I had good progression at work, and I had did really well at the gym. And I felt amazing after the gym.

Today I couldn't get out of bed. Not really. I finally got dressed around 1. Because I needed to pick up a package. Turns out I have to send it in return.
I ate loads of crap today.  I wanted to stay in bed. I didn't want to work, so I didn't. I wanted to just sleep. But I knew if I did, I'd just stay up all night tonight, and I got to be up early for an appointment.
I went to the gym today. The beginning was good. Chatting away with some people. It felt nice, friendly. Normal. The instructor told me and another gal that if there'll be more and more newbies coming in then she and I might have to wait out - because we're ahead of them, and slightly more advanced I guess.
At the time it felt good. Like we are doing better, we have progression.
But now that I'm home, I feel insecure.
Like I am being pushed aside a little.
I also feel dissapointed in myself. I'm not doing well enough. I'm not able to push harder. I'm not impressive.
and I hate that I crave their validation.
I hate that I crave his validation, his attention.

 :hug:

 :hug:sceal big hug I'm glad you had a good day yesterday.  Give yourself a break.  You got up and went to the gym.  That's way more than I was able to do today.  Been thinking of you sorry I haven't been around. I've been really low. :hug:

Hugs to you both!

I don't know what's going on.
I have structure on my life now. I have gym Monday-Thursday. I have work at the workplace 2 times a week. I have a social life.
I have a class once a week with a bunch of homework for that keeps me busy.

I haven't had this steady, positive structure in my life for years.

So why am I nauseous, why am I spacing out and dissociating? Why can't I concentrate? Why do I feel so vulnerable and so alone.
Why do I feel so utterly inadequate?

hey, sceal,

may i tell you the experience my d and i had when we moved to where we're living now?  it sounds very similar to what you're talking about. we both got out of very stressful situations, had been living with stress and drama for years before we found the place where we're now living.  peaceful, surrounded by forest and flowers, caring neighbors who were very helpful and concerned about us, a wonderful community which was supportive as far as our books went, kind and helpful people all around us.  it was almost weird!

in the first several months of living here, both my d's and my anxiety went thru the roof.  just feeling disturbed and distressed.  as we talked about it, what made sense to us was that this was the first time in a long time that things were settled around and for us in a very positive way, and we weren't used to it.  we'd been used to dealing with and living amongst chaotic people, adding stress to already stressed lives.  then, boom.  all the stress was gone.

we think our brains, minds, systems weren't used to NOT dealing with stress or neg. people, and didn't know how to react to the peace we'd discovered.  a strange dynamic, but i still believe it.  it took us a while to be able to accommodate the lack of stress/drama, to not be anxious about the absence of it.  what you're describing rang a bell with me.  you have a lot of positive stuff going on in your life now, especially in places that weren't pos. in the past, and you're adjusting to it, making a transition from what was to what is, albeit what is now is very positive for you and your life.

still, it is a transition where all your synapses aren't firing away all the time in response to tension going on around you and within you.  i hope you can give yourself time, learn how to enjoy this new and different phase of your life.  it may be a little rocky at first, but i believe it will calm down eventually.

if none of this resonates with you, just ignore it, ok?  it just sounded very familiar to me.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  you'll get through this.  sending love and a hug filled with patience   :hug:

 :hug: because things in general are out of control in the world.

Thank you Tee and San,
I've read your replies, and I admit I forgot to come back and reply to them. But I need to write about other things today.

--
TW: cult, identity, abuse


I am talking to Mr. T at the centre for sexual abuse about identity these past few weeks. It's a topic that both he and I find very interessting. I've gone through a lot of changes this year, and in many ways I feel a lot stronger. A lot more secure in my self, in who I am. I still don't really know who I am, and what that really means. I don't know what all of my values are. What are the things I truly believe to be true and right, and not just following what others seem to think is the best direction. I have tested a lot of boundary work this year. I've practiced setting boundaries. Over and over again.
I've allowed myself to feel actual, proper anger.
I've lost a lot this year. But not as much as others. It's not a competition, so it doesn't really matter who has lost more or less. Every loss is hard, painful and heartbreaking.

It took me a while to really miss Lady T. But I miss her now. I think she would have been proud of me. Of how far I've come since she saw me last. I think her decision of ending the therapy was the right one, and I think I am now a lot closer to be able to come back to her and do the trauma-therapy that I really do need. I think I am a lot closer to be able to handle that. And that for me, is big.

I've been watching a documentary about a religious cult from a different country. Most of the abuse there was psychological, there was some violent one too. And although my experience in the "cult-like group" I was a part of... was very similar. I could feel that fear these people were talking about in the documentary. I can feel their shame. Although, for some reason, they seem a lot more healed, gathered than I feel I am. Perhaps that was just the few of them who let them selves be interviewed. There were many more involved that didn't interview. Maybe because their damage is too deep, too hard. But sitting there, afterwards, understanding how awful things went, how bad it really was... and wondering "but why didn't I stop it sooner? Why didn't I leave?". I feel those questions.
Why didn't I see?
I know I wasn't capable of. I know I didn't have any other perspective to give. No one was really fighting hard for me to realize it at the time either. But I probably hid the things that happened really well. I didn't have words that they were wrong. I didn't understand they were wrong, because... I didn't think I had the right to say what was right or wrong. I was wrong, so how was I one of authority to say that this is not how to treat someone else. Stop treating me this way.

I am exhausted watching this documentary. I was hoping it would give me some relief, lessen some of the shame that I feel when I think back on all the things I didn't see, all the things I let myself be exposed to. All the times I didn't just leave. I feel to blame for the manipulations, brainwashing and sexual abuse I was a victim of.
And I don't think I will feel differently about this until I get to process this part in therapy with Lady T.

Part of their manipulation was that you take the blame.

Quote from: Sceal on October 07, 2020, 02:23:39 PM
Although, for some reason, they seem a lot more healed, gathered than I feel I am.

You only saw one part of what they were willing to show. If I were being interviewed about my trauma journey; some days I would look like I've come a long ways, some days my struggle might be more obvious. Whatever the day, people would only see what I choose to show. Bottom line, you have worked hard and you continue to work hard on your healing. You have made progress and you continue to move forward; step by step.

To Notalone,
Thank you. That is a good point. It is easy to judge the little one see, be it both for good or for bad.
And you're right. I have made progress. In more ways than one.

However this week, this week has been emotional. I'm lonely. I keep fantasizing about this guy, but at the same time.. I don't quite know how to talk to him, or if I should even bother. Even if I knew how to talk to him, it's.. I wouldn't know what to say. It feels awkward and transparent.

i agree with notalone - manipulators make sure they do not take the blame.  that's why they test their victims to see how far a person will let them go with what they're trying to do.  if we haven't been taught to have a strong sense of self, of personal boundaries, of what's ok and what isn't ok for us to accept into our lives and living experience, we don't have a chance against them.  the shame is theirs for taking advantage of people, abusing them in such a way that we end up confused, willing, afraid to go against them, and ultimately, traumatized by the experience.

it's their game, their rules, and we didn't know how to play, so they would win each time.  as we continue to recover, we also learn to put the blame and shame where it belongs.  shame on them for doing something just because they could, even tho it was something they should not have done because it took advantage of someone for their own personal agenda.  love and hugs, sweet sceal. :hug:

 :hug: I agree with notalone and San
This is something I'm struggling with RightNow with my T when someone tells us we are no good and should do what we are told from a young age, then that is etched into our core being. So as we grow and meet abusers who never take the blame but rather push the blame on everyone one else, it is easy for us to wave our hands in the air and say oh it is my fault I'm to blame.  The abuser says sure. And then starts pushing all the blame on us. The easiest target, so then if anything goes wrong is our fault we get punished, we get abused because we were bad.

When in reality they are sick and twisted preying on already broken and hurt people that they know won't say anything because they think it's their fault that they deserve what's coming.

Good for you being able to set boundaries. You have come a long way Hope. Just remember to keep going you deserve to be treated like a priceless Jewel don't let anyone tell you different. :hug:

San:
For me, I didn't realise what was happening - when it was happening. Which is why it makes me feel small and stupid. I feel like I should have understood what was going on. I should have reacted to all the red lights. Because there were plenty, I guess they werent bright enough for me to notice them. Or the need to belong to someone was greater than the danger they posed at the time.

Tee:
I wonder if it's part of a coping mechanism. It is easier to blame ourselves, because at least that's something we can control in the situation. We can control how much blame we feel on our own situation?

---

I've been focused a lot on identity lately. It is a topic that is both intriguing intellectually, but also something I have struggled with personally and emotionally.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? What to others think of me? How am I perceived? Am I this person?
I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I am getting there.

I was listening to a recording today, of me and my mentor. She records it for me, due to my memory gaps, to help me troubleshoot things.
And I was listening to it. And a few thoughts popped into my mind.
1) I hate listening to myself, but I don't hate it as much as I used to.
2) I sound so un-enthusiastic!  And I think that is due to a) I was very tired and on my period and b) It was late and I don't want my family to overhear our conversations.
3) I sound incredible insecure. I keep bringing up my health, my worries, and my inability to do things. Rather than the things that I can do.
4) I don't speak with conviction. Even when I have figured out something that interests me, I don't talk about it with convictions.

sceal, so much of what you wrote were very similar to experiences i've also had in past situations.  it was almost eerie, like watching a movie of myself.

i didn't realize what was happening at the time, either, on many fronts with too many people.  i just know i had my own reasons for doing what i did at the time, saying what i said, not doing what i didn't do - all that stuff.  i'm just not in the same place now, not with the same people, so kudos to us for getting out from under them.  that's an accomplishment in itself! :applause:

sending love and a hug filled with continued clarity

Thank you San, and I am sorry you had similar situations throughout your life. I hope they are ovr for you now, as they are for me. And that eventually - we'll become fully recovered.

I am tired, and exhausted. It's been a super long week, and it's only Wednesday. It's not that it's been a bad week. It's been a confusing week. And I'm stressed, beneath the surface I can feel the stress bubbling away.
I know it's unhealthy for the body, and for the mind, but when I don't really understand where the stress is coming from - then how can I deal with it?

Last week I performed badly at everything I did. I didn't give up, I kept going,I tried to slow down and do things anyway, but I had this lingering feeling that I just... couldn't perform. And that's okay. Some weeks are going to be like that. I just have to accept them, but I am terrible with accepting things I don't want to do. I really am.

This week I've done better. I've been more engaged, I've pushed harder even if I've got blisters beneath my feet and bruises on my legs and hands. Yesterday when I got home I could barely walk, I needed help getting undressed. It was rough. I was so certain that I'd be completely crushed today. I haven't been, I'm tired yes. But that's not strange at all. But what I also am, is emotional. Insecure, vulnerable. I don't like it, (who does?) I wish there were things I could do to regulate it better. But that too costs energy.
I have homework to do this week, loads of it. I've started, but I'm not even halfway through. I hope I can get some done tomorrow morning, because otherwise I wont actually be able to finish it on time. And that's... well, that'll be a new experience I guess. But the only one who'll miss out on it, is me. As I will be underprepared, and I wont have learned.

I have a crush, like I think I've mentioned before. It's not as bubbly as it was in the beginning. Perhaps because I am getting so many vague and mixed signals. I can't really read him, and I can't really reach him.  It makes me feel alone so much more. I keep wanting a hug, so desperatedly. Or being held. Or kissed. Or just flirted with. But most of all, god how I miss a hug. I guess I didn't quite realise how much they actually mattered to me, those I got on occasion from friends. How much they kept my loneliness at bay. But now, everytime I lie down, every evening. He and a hug is all I think about.
I wish he'd notice me.
I don't know if he is a good man, or if he is mature enough. Or if we'd even be a good match.
But I do know that having a flirt would be good for me.  The bonus with him is that I know he is equally as busy as me in the evenings most of the week. So it wouldn't be a "demand" to see him all the time. He wouldn't cancel his time for the benefit of me, and neither would I feel like I had to for him. It'd be a relief.

I feel okay.

I fixed my hair. I got an early birthday present. I had coffee with a friend.
And I had my martial art.

I have pushed my body hard this week.
I've made stronger connections to some of the gals. My feet hate me for this week though. Blisters on both, and they itch and they burn and they are painful. Even if I am not walking on them.

I don't really know what's happening right now.
Either there's just a lot of positive things around me that I am just embracing. Or I am on my way into another mini-manic state.
I don't think I have been this active for so long without burning out.
In one way I can see the headlights steering right for me, but at the same time I have this crazy thought in my mind: what if... What if those headlights aren't a train about to bulldoze me, but two friends on bikes trying to catch up with me to hang out?

What if... What if everything will be okay?

I am an impatient, stubborn person.
Two qualities that doesn't really work well together. I don't mind the stubbornness so much, it gives me less grief than the impatient. I've been forced to be patient over and over and over and over again. Things keep being delayed and I keep not getting answers.

I want to write more, bit I don't really have much more to say

 :hug: I'm glad your doing well today!

glad you're feeling a bit better. i think your question 'what if everything will be ok? - is a question for the ages.  i don't think it's recognized enough, and i'm glad you brought it up.  it's a huge dynamic to think about, the idea that things might go right. which begs the question - how do i deal with that?  we haven't had a lot of practice with things being ok within and around us.  what a concept!

I feel for you, sweet sceal, about wanting the hug, the flirting, the fun of it.  i can only hope you get at least a taste of it.  sending love and a hug filled with smiles :hug:

Thank you, Tee  :hug:

Dear San,
I think we are so often used to think "what if it doesn't go okay?" More than what if it will turn out okay. It is easier to deal with making a contingency plan for failure than for success.. for what do you do when you reach that success? Is that it? Do you chase something else? How will it feel? How will I deal with it? Will I be a poor winner?  And.. what next?

But... What if we just.. try to think that it will be okay, one way or another. It might not be what we thought we wanted, but what if instead we got what we needed?

There's also something in psychology that says that negativity is a lot more contagious than positivity. It is harder to remain positive and upbeat, especially if everyone else is bringing you down. But at the same time.. a smile, a genuine smile, is also contagious. Much like jawning.

I went to a social event yesterday, where my crush was going to be. I am the new girl, I am also the oldest. For some I am 5 years older others I am 12 years older. It doesn't quite feel like it, perhaps because I know I don't look it. And I know they mostly forget.
I got quiet though, I didn't know what to say, so I mostly sat to myself and just observed and listened. I'm not good at parties if I can't dance.
I'd like to dance.  I'm not good at it, but I don't care about that anymore.

Yesterday mr. T asked me if I planned on losing more weight. I said yes, at least two more kg. He said I shouldn't. I am about to vanish. At the time that made me feel good, but also confused. I am still 10 kg overweight. I am not about to vanish.

Later that day Mum also commented on me looking smaller.

Today my GP asked the same thing.

I guess I have lost some cm, but the scale says otherwise.

The day started okay. I had a checkup with my GP and had some blood drawn. She asked me how my mental health is, and I said it's been alright. Stable, with some bad days Inbetween, but probably more in a normal way like normal people have it.

Work was okay. I was leading a meeting Infront of my boss and one supervisor. And I even managed to express loudly and confidently that it's not okay to be stigmatized as a mentally ill/sick person. That marketing for the workplace needs to be more uplifting and focus on what's important: the art. Not the illnesses.

I did okay with printmaking. I made a bunch of mistakes, got some help in trying to figure it out. And that worked.

Went to the gym. Had my first session and was fairly unfocused. Struggled with turning the body-mind connection on.

The second lesson was much more fun. The guy I've been crushing on has started talking more to me as well. But then I kicked my foot. I didn't notice until the end, until we were doing jump-lunges. It just started hurting. And I knew I wouldn't be able to finish. So I left. Feeling stupid. Miserable. Nauseous and grumpy. Really disappointed in myself. Lunges and jumping are two things I struggle a lot with, and having to do them combined I was both fearing and ready to conquer.. but I couldn't. And I just felt... Useless. Inadequate. I felt like a fool. And the guy followed me out to make sure I was okay, like he kept asking me if I was sure. I just smiled and said of course just minor injury. It happens.
I wanted to cry.
I desperately wanted a hug.

So I closed off.

I packed up the stuff and changed and sat waiting in silence away from people nursing my foot and my emotional pain. I suppose it's s good thing they were all ignoring me. Otherwise I would have started crying and made a bigger fool out of myself.

And it feels so stupid. It feels so stupid to react like this. No one else will care!

I appreciate you sharing about your day.  It put into perspective how much we experience in a day and the moments that snag us.  I hope that you find ease and ways to give yourself care and understanding for all the successes and growth you are making.

my experience w/ losing weight is that sometimes the scale may be the same, but the body has shifted its load a bit, so we can look smaller w/o actually weighing less.  plus, you've been working out, building muscles, and muscle weighs more, is denser, than fat.  may i suggest you look at how your clothes are fitting rather than at the scale.  those numbers can be deceiving, and can trigger old messages that don't suit us anymore.

love and hugs, sweet sceal :hug:

 :hug: I'm glad your ok.

Thank you guys.

San, I know that the scale doesn't show the whole truth. But in this instance I need the scale to show a spesific number before I can apply for removal of surplus skin. To which I have a lot of.

I've had two days of eating crap. Eating crisps and popcorn, and just generally eating too much, and barely moving.
I've been utterly drained.
My lower leg hurts like *, but I'm still going to do some strength today. I need to move about. Or else the spiders will find me and start using me as an excellent place to make spiderweb. But I am still tired.

I finished a commissioned work yesterday. But I'm not sure if the client is actually happy with it. I don't know how to fix it to make them properly happy. I am so dependent on them doing positive word of mouth. I rarely get commissions, or sales. And I'm so desperate for it, I've no idea how to start improving it.
Stressed!

oh, i get it.  that's kind of a dilemma, isn't it?  you're looking smaller but the numbers, which is what others use as a reference, are saying you're not.  dang, and then you've got people saying you don't need to lose any more weight when those numbers are all important for the next level of this journey for you.  sorry, sceal.  that's rough.  did you go into this nosedive because of that?  please, hang tough, my dear sceal.  you are doing so well with all this, you are working very, very hard at getting your body back to a healthy place.  i'm rooting for you, that this will come right sooner rather than later.

by the by, thanks for the chuckle about the spiders.  actually, that was pretty good!  i pictured it on myself when i have some of those days, and the smile came automatically.  love and caring hugs :hug: :hug:

Feeling awful today.

I feel like a trashcan. Had popcorn for lunch. what a stupid choice. I don't even know why I did it.
I don't feel like doing anything.
I'm just waiting for tonight tbh.
Exhausted I guess.

Hello sceal,

if it's okay to say (I'm almost new-old to this site) To say that I do understand. The awfulness of the Day is shared here with you hope you feel better soon

Take care

Thank you, Rani! I appreciate it.

 :hug: I'm sorry your feeling low today sceal. I hope your day gets better. I'm sending a big hug of encouragement and strength :hug:

Thank you Tee  :hug: it was a big help.
I got through the day yesterday.

My brain stopped working today.
People were instructing me to do things, and I just didn't understand. I felt so far off I wasn't even able to feel stupid for not getting it.
I then proceeded to think it was Thursday, or Monday - I've no clue. Whichever day I normally have a car and drive half-way to town, park and then take the train from there.  All other days I take the bus. So I jumped on the train, fully intent on driving home, except.. there was no car to be found. Because I never used it today!    ???
I then proceeded to think I could eat a burrito through my facemask.
Nothing seems to be working today. I just exist. That's about it.

Sceal, I'm sorry you had a hard day today. I'd like to send you lots of hugs (if it's ok) after your day, and I hope you can find some comfort or rest a bit  :hug:  :hug:
I'd also like to add that it's ok for these kinds of days, it's ok to forget and feel disoriented (even for a whole day). No one knows more than we (on this forum) how much effort you put in everyday to simply exist and somehow stay afloat with all the symptoms, so it's ok to have days like these. Please be gentle to yourself, okay (I hope it's ok for me say this)?  :hug:

 :hug: I'm glad you made it through the day.  It sounds like you need a rest.  Some days I wish life would just stop for a day or two so I can just stay in bed and rest.  Sending a restful night if that's possible so you can wake peaceful and well rested ready to take on the world Sceal.   :hug:

Thank you, Marta and Tee.  :hug:
A hug in these days is the best medicine.
My family doesn't do physical contact much, if at all. They don't like giving or recieving hugs, and I'm not one to force a hug upon anyone.
It's a strange realisation that I am wanting, and missing hugs. That it would really be nice to be given a long, proper hug. I've always resisted those, they've made me feel trapped. But... I need one. I've changed, and I am still changing.

Most days now I don't have my head below water. Or barely having my head above water. I'm reaching the shore, although slowly. The water is now to my shoulders. Which makes those difficult, dark days so much harder. Because now I know, now I finally know what it is like to have a normal day several days after one another. Or as normal as I can have them be at this stage of my life. And it's good.
There's still issues, it's not all fun and dance, and glitter and glam. It's far from that, but it's better. And better is good. Better is wonderful.

My city is on a lockdown again now though. It is stressing me out. I am trying my best to stay calm, breathe, and just go about my day. Do the art that I can at home. Work out in the mornings. Take breaks, daydream, and go back to working on art.
I have however noticed... I have no hobbies. I gave them all up for art and working out. I don't have enough brain power to learn a new hobby, and my old ones aren't any I'd like to pick back up again.
So I don't really know what to do.. to pass time when those rough days come and I can't get out and distract my brain.

 :hug: I feel your pain.  I like hugs too but the aren't allowed right now.😏 But I'll send you one.   Finding things to do is hard too. Good luck. :hug:

 :hug: thank you Tee. Hugs aren't allowed here either. Unless it is one of your primary contacts.
I live with my folks, and they are my only primary..we are allowed up to 3 I think.  It does kind of hurt that I am no one else's primary contact. That no one wants to prioritize me, or maybe they just can't. But still..

Anyway, I got a brain fog since yesterday. Usually sleep and fresh air tends to help make it go away. But neither had helped. I feel uninterested in everything. Sounds and light is bothering me. It's not really fatigue, but my brain just isn't working. And I have work I want to finish so I can relax. But no motivation.

 :hug: we might be in a very similar situation right now.  My motivation to much more than the bare minimum late had been a real struggle.  I live with my H and two kids.  My two kids are really the only thing that gets me out of bed some days. :hug: sending a big hug of motivation.😜 :hug:

 :hug: I am glad you have something to get you out of bed, that I hope are positive.
I mainly get up due to feeling guilty for not being productive and feeling sore for lying down too long. :P

My nurses are annoying.  I feel so judged and unhelped by them. I was telling them I am having a bad time of it during this new lockdown. And that I have no close contacts to hang out with. And I'm surprised at my need for social life.. and she goes and suggest I go hiking with a group of new people. We are on a partial lockdown, meaning we aren't supposed to go meet up with loads of people, and defintively not new people. What silly advice is that? Also, I wasn't looking for advice.
It really irks me when people keep giving me advice when I am not asking for it.

 :hug: well yeah the whole point of lock down is to stay away from people. :doh: Well I'm sorry the people who are suppose to be there to help are being less than helpful. I do like hiking sometimes if it's not too cold and there's a nice trail. ;) Hugs I hope you find someone or something to motivate you to get out of bed besides guilt. You don't need to add self hate or shame. 

Big hug my friend this too will pass and eventually things have to get better right? :Idunno: :hug:

I had a meeting at the hospital today.
A checkup after my surgery.
Everything checks out. I should be happy. I should be pleased. Thrilled.
I've reached my goal weight.
I can go ahead and apply for skin removal, although I might not get it covered. I probably wont. Which is another financial burden I have to make on my own.
If only I could sell enough art to cover the cost, but that's not going to happen I think. It'd be a dream to, of course.

I feel awful. I'm sad. I'm exhausted.
I don't know why,  or maybe I don't want to admit it.
My birthday is this week. I've never really looked forward to it, except this year. I looked forward to it this year. But I had to cancel all the plans, so I will be alone. Alone in my sparkly dress.

Hey Sceal, wanted to pop by and send you my support and hugs  :hug: . I'm sorry you're having such stressors in your life right now.
If you feel like you might want to, you can always post on the birthday forum and we can have a little celebration there. Any way, I'm sorry you feel exhausted and awful, just remember to be kind and take care of yourself even during difficult times. Sending you lots of love  :hug: :hug:

I'd love to celebrate your birthday with you. Sending you love, support and care. :hug:

i'm with you, sceal, and i'd love to celebrate with you, too.  i love the idea of a sparkly dress!  sparkles are so much fun!

congrats on reaching your goal weight - that's quite an accomplishment!  very proud of you, sceal.  you've done so much hard work around this issue, have really stuck with it.  very impressive.   :yes:

sorry you're feeling down right now.  could it be a reaction to achieving your goal?  or to the price tag attached to the next step?  that's pretty formidable to face.  sending love and a hug filled w/ birthday wishes :hug: :cake: :phoot: :fireworks:

 :hug: happy birthday sceal.  I'm happy everything went well I'll cross my fingers that the next steps are covered for you.  I hope you find some happy moments in your day!  Sending you warm thoughts smiles hugs. :hug:

Thank you all. I am grateful to all of you, and I am happy that I have "met" you, and got you here. I wish it were better times for all of us.

Lady T comes to mind a lot these days. I miss her, I miss her kindness, frankness and her ability to listen without judgement. or without giving me advice I don't need. She would tell me, I think, or rather ask, if my expectations of myself right now are being a tad too high. That perhaps it would be possible to lower them, if even just a little. To which right now, I really wish I knew how to.

I am sad too, because the last time I saw her, it was impossible for us to say goodbye properly. No hug, no handshake. Nothing.
I keep dreaming about just one !"#¤"# hug. Or any sort of physical contact, well, not any sort. But any good kind. A pat on the back, a gentle nudge, being grabbed by the arm to be shown something nice, holding of hands. a simple high five. All these little things that would at one time really set me off. It's ironic, how hard it is without them now.
They say that if you remove any physical touch to a baby, but keep it otherwise warm and fed, it will wither and eventually die. Because a baby requires physical contact. I think this is very essential for grown people too.
Before covid19, I didn't go around remembering the last time someone brushed against me, or gave me a high five or shook my hand. Not that it happened everyday, but every second day. Or at least everyday I left the house. But now.. now I vividly remember the last 4 times I've had any physical contact with people for the last 6 months. Isn't that crazy?

When I moved out from my ex, in that very difficult time I had at the end of last year, and at the beginning of this. I would imagine my best mate (who lives abroad) giving me one of his greally fantastical great hugs (you know, there are some people who have magic hugs). He was visiting me a little over a year ago. And that memory alone gave me comfort for a great many months. Now it just makes me cry.
And still, I should remember. That I am fortunate. I am not sick, my family isn't sick and my friends haven't been sick.

 :hug: it's hard though sceal not have someone give you a real hug or part on the back.  Touch is important.  I wish I could give you a real hug.

Thank you Tee, I am so surprised at how much I miss human touch. Just 6 months ago I was perfectly okay with not being touched at all. In-fact I quite preferred it. All thoughts of it would trigger memories. Strange how things can change so quickly.

I did have a lovely birthday. It became better than I could have hoped for. I even got a hug. Twice, from the same person. I told her that was the best gift I could have recieved. I think people in relationships doesn't quite comprehend how it feels. Or people with children. Because they will to some extent have physical contact throughout the day. I'm not saying they don't struggle, they do. But with other issues, I think.

I think I'm burnt out. I got a nagging feeling that my nurses and my parents and my gp has warned me, but the funny thing is.. it's not my excersise that's burning me out. It's the lack of it. It closed down 2.5 week ago now, and I feel like I live in a completely different world. I am not doing well, it's interessting though. how quickly that deteriorated. My mental health due to lack of working out as much and being social with my "crew" at the gym. They and the workout has made me feel stronger than anything. They've made me have a sense of normalcy and a feeling of being able to do *. I could do *. Even if it was poorly, it didn't matter - because I could do it.  And let me tell you, I think you probably know what I'm talking about more than most, how god "*#%"n important it is to feel like you can do things. Like really feel it.

With my art now.. It feels like a burden. 24/7 it's on my mind. Marketing, promoting (extremely poorly at both parts) fixing websites, setting up the shop (without any sales), instagram, twitter, facebook. Setting up exhibition at the gallery - making awful posters (I'm NOT a graphics designer. I've no clue what I am doing). Trying to do what people are telling me to, but all they keep doing is finding flaws.
I just.. I need some *fr12#¤"% validation and being told what it is that I am doing right. So I can focus on that, not on all the other things that I keep doing wrong.

I know I'm being selfish on this forum. I don't engage very much in other people's journals and posts. I hope to one day soon have the energy to. I am just so scared of it affecting me poorly, being an empath it's hard not to let other people's sadness, hurt and suffering affect me. I so desperatedly want you all to feel better.

 :hug: I'm glad you got a couple of real hugs sceal.  I'm sorry I can't give you a real one.  We are all here thinking of you and wishing the best for you as well. I only look on few friends theses days it's all I can do.  Hoping your art stuff gets in frontof the right people.   :grouphug:

Thank you Tee, I think you thinking of me is sending me some positive lights through these dark days.
I really hope you're on the strong side these days.

Hey guys. I need to get something off my chest - because I can't call a friend and whine about it.

I work at a place where most of us have disabilities of some form. I don't know which mental illness they have or is struggling with, it isn't for me to know. And they don't know what I'm struggling with. We are there part time all of us, because it's all we are able to manage. There's some supervisors there too, but they are without these struggles. They are there to help us, maybe more like guidance folk rather than supervisors. (Explaining this in a third language is hard).  I'm just mentioning it, because it might be easier to understand. I am aware that my co-workers all have various and different challenges and needs to be accommodated in different ways, and I totally understand that. If someone is having a particular challenge, then it's important to take that into account.
But lately I've felt that I've had to consider everyone else's struggles, whereas mine has been ignored or overlooked. Or minimized, because I know that I tend to appear more functional than I am  (I am not saying you can see it on the others, but I think they might be better at letting the supervisors know than I am). And I am exhausted.

I'm the leader of a group that is arranging an event that will run for 3 weeks. And in order for that to go smoothly I kind of needed my co-workers who are joining in on this to hand me files and information within a set time. Many did. But many had to re-do some of their files. Many came after the deadlines. (various deadlines for different things).  Some of them were good to let me know that their things would be coming my way then and then. But some didn't. I didn't even know if they were still participating or not.
Since we all work part time, and due to corona many of us are working even less, I don't get to see everyone every week. despite me leading this group, it's not my job to go hound people to make sure they deliver. And I can't tell them "no, sorry - you're too late" either. Because... we are supposed to be considerate.  Except, that when people do not uphold deadlines and aren't punctual that to me is disrespectful. Or they don't care as much, they don't show that they are all that invested. And it stresses me out like crazy! Especially if they don't communicate with me. If they'd let me know that they can't make the deadline, but they still want to join - if it's still possible, then that would tell me they do want to join, and they are working to get there. But stuff got in the way. It's easier for me to take that into account. I know what sort of things I got to work with then. I can tell them that "of course, just have it by so and so - and I'll add your stuff to it later".  But this didn't happen.
There was a lot of communications problems. From me as well. I forgot that some people had shown interests, because they just told me in passing and I forgot to write it down. So they didn't get the e-mails I sent out. That's on me, and I apologised for that.  It is just that it's wasted so much time, it's been so chaotic and unpredictable. I'm so stressed out. I haven't had any time to work on my own stuff for the past 2 weeks. I am nauseated, I'm actually constipated. I'm so sure I'm constipated due to all the stress this is giving me. My diet hasn't changed drastically. I have no joy in creating anything anymore. I just feel like throwing up when I think of doing something creative. But the other problem is.. due to corona.. I really don't know what else I can do. I've no hobbies. My workout was my free-time, my hobby, my time off. But it's locked down until further notice. So I don't get a break.

I am so tired of the computer now. I don't want to watch TV, I don't have a brain to read. I don't have a brain to learn new things. Staring into the wall is boring as "#%. I try to make the time pass, I try to do some mindfulness. But today at work.. It was really hard. I was on the verge of crying.
I don't know how to phrase it to them that unless there's some changes then I'll have to withdraw from that event group. which sucks, because I do enjoy it. But this past event has taken a toll on my health - and I can't accept that.

 :hug: sceal I feel your frustration.  If I were you I think I would talk to the managers and ask what they think you should do because your becoming overwhelmed trying to tread lightly, but feeling like a floor mat.   That's just me though it is hard to ask for help though so I'm not really sure I would.  But before I left an activity I enjoyed I think I'd asked for help.  I hope you have a good Thanksgiving!  My friend! :hug:

Thank you Tee  :), I don't celebrate Thanksgiving as I am not an American. But if you are, I hope yours is lovely!  :hug:
I would talk to the managers/supervisors/guidance person. but they are all the same. And they are the ones who are accepting everyone else not delivering on their deadlines. We recently got a new boss. She's super excited about these things, but I don't have a good enough feeling about her on these kinds of matters yet.

my dear, sweet, sceal, i hear you.  just want you to know that.

i used to work out regularly at a gym, 30 yrs. ago, and i totally get what you're talking about.  it was a great community to be part of, even tho we didn't get 'friendly', it was just nice to be around people who i had something in common with.  plus, the physicality of it made me feel like i accomplished something while encouraging my body to do what it was built for.  i really feel for you that such a positive activity has been taken away from you.

this isolation stuff is wreaking havoc with mental health issues.  you're right - the need for touch is hardwired into our DNA, i think.  i'm just glad you got 2 hugs for your birthday - a real gift, indeed!

i don't think you're selfish, sceal.  i think you're showing self-care.  if you don't have the energy, you don't have it.  no shame in that.  you've been very generous with your caring and support when you were able to.  let us give some of that back now.  i wish i could hug you in person, but i'm sending much love and a virtual hug to you - it's the best i can do. :bighug:

 :hug: I worked yesterday so got paid a bonus for working a holiday cause I do live in the US. I hope your day was better even if it wasn't a holiday.   :hug: I hope you are able to say something before you feel you have to leave something you enjoy.  Sending love and encouragement. :hug:

So glad to hear that Tee! In these days I bet the most of us can do with extra pay!  :hug:

San, I had dinner with one from the gym this week. But it's not the same. We're both stressed and unhappy. The laughter and the smiles didn't come easily. But it was good to see her.

It was defintively a treat to get those two hugs. And I treasure them, despite me yearning for more hugs now.

Thank you, for not finding me selfish. It means a lot to hear that. Especailly as the shame monster is quite prevalent.
--

I am hurting a lot today. I went for a hike with my dad and the dog. It was a beautiful sunny day, but we got lost. It was muddy, but it was fine. No one got injured, grumpy or fatigued. And we found our way back home. we weren't lost for that long, but there was a time there we felt astray.
I did do more adult things today. I changed the bedcovers and I booked an appointment with the dentist. I bathed the dog (much needed).
And then I collapsed, on the inside.

I still can't do any art. I meant to today, but my stomach did a turn when I thought about opening up photoshop to get started. Instantly drained of all energy.
I'm not depressed, and I'm not in an art block. I just.. I can't explain it.
At the same time.. I'm struggling with marketing.
I re-did my website, and I uploaded my shop finally. But no action.

i think many of us in the creative arts fields have difficulty with promotion and marketing.  i know that for me and my d, marketing our books is the least favorite aspect, and we stall the most when faced with it.  i hope you can have some patience with yourself - when absolutely necessary, i'm guessing the energy will be there.  please, keep taking care of you, be gentle with yourself, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug: small steps Sceal.  Today I had planned on getting two assignments done while at work cause I figured I would not have much actual work to do.  Well I was right about the work party but I couldn't focus on the assignments either.  But towards the end of the day I did get most of one done.  So it was a small step.  Not my plan but a step.  Big hug sometimes a step is all I have. :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on November 27, 2020, 09:41:30 PM
I still can't do any art. I meant to today, but my stomach did a turn when I thought about opening up photoshop to get started. Instantly drained of all energy.
I'm not depressed, and I'm not in an art block. I just.. I can't explain it.

Sounds very familiar - the energy draining away instantly at the mere thought of doing something specific. When that happens to me I now know there's some trauma thing behind it - there's a reason for my energy disappearing like that. It's the same for me when I can't explain something.

Quote from: Sceal on November 27, 2020, 09:41:30 PM
At the same time.. I'm struggling with marketing.
I re-did my website, and I uploaded my shop finally. But no action.

I really struggle with marketing too, in fact I'm only just beginning to do it. It's advertising rather than marketing pure but - I've finally got window decals with my business name etc in my windows. It's been about 2 weeks now. No new clients yet. Logically I know it's too early to expect any but I still felt disappointed about it a few days ago, so I really understand your "But no action." comment. I'll keep my fingers crossed that we both get some clients/customers soon! :yes: :yes: 

I know I haven't responded to you for a while but I sometimes read your Journal a bit. I think you're doing great! I see and hear progress.  :hug:

San: I am trying to be patient with the marketing. And reminding myself I know nothing about it, and I'm just learning by doing bit by bit. And hopefully, one day, these little bits will turn into something substantial.

Tee:You're right. I have many of those days these days. Planning on doing something, and then it not getting done. And you're right, sometimes a small step is a big step!

Blueberry:
I keep forgetting that there might be some trauma responce behind it. But that makes sense. When I don't see a direct corrolation, I end up thiking I need to be stronger than this, wt"# is wrong with me?

Congratulations on getting it up in the window. It's hard the marketing, it's like putting yourself on display, even more than you already are doing with your work. I think even for normal (non-trauma people) this is difficult unless they are wired for wanting extra attention.

And I did grow a little today.
I had my conversation with Mr T. He is a nice sounding board, and I left it feeling like "okay I can do this". I called my new boss and asked her if she had time to meet today? She said yes, so I went to work, despite it not being my day, and sat down with her and told her that I need more predictability, stability and a sense of accomplishment if I am to continue to be on this project. That I feel I'm being invalidated too often, and I know that this time around it's been very chaotic because things were so last minute, and also because of covid19 restrictions. But that it's now affected my health, and I need some changes to happen otherwise I need to step down.
First of all.. I'm so proud of myself that I did it. I didn't forget any of the things I meant to say, I didn't stumble too much, I didn't sound like a petulent child (or at least I think, although I felt like I looked like one at the end - body language wise), I don't think I was whiny. I came with new ideas, and thoughts. And she said she's having a meeting with another department tomorrow to get some clarification for certain things. But after that the people in this project group can come together for a meeting and find a proper solution moving forward. Getting some organizing in.
I hope that this is a step in the right direction.  I'm really hopeful that it'll be a positive change. Something that all parties will be able to keep working on.

Second I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

Gosh. You did brilliantly, Sceal. Well done. :applause:

Quote from: Sceal link=topic=13631.msg107223#msg107223 date=1606772706n
First of all.. I'm so proud of myself that I did it. I didn't forget any of the things I meant to say, I didn't stumble too much, I didn't sound like a petulent child (or at least I think, although I felt like I looked like one at the end - body language wise), I don't think I was whiny. I came with new ideas, and thoughts.

Second I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

Good for you, Sceal!  :cheer:

Thank you all :hug:

unfortunatedly.. my relief didn't last very long.
Being at work itself was okay. But I was told by my wellfare people in my country I'd be getting an answer today about my financial future. I called them as I hadn't heard anything, the lady on the phone told me that I shouldn't have been told a definitive date. Because no one knows when. I've been waiting since the end of march for them to deal with my application. If I get it through.
This uncertainty.. It's driving me insane. I broke down at work, and I just left without saying anything.
And I've been eating. and eating. and eating.
Trying to numb. I am now numb. And I still want to eat. but I feel guilty for the eating.

o my dear sceal, i can so relate. i'm going thru something similar, waiting to hear about our house, if we're even going to be able to continue living here in 6 mos. the waiting for these kinds of things is so stressful, and by the sound of it (the eating) that's what you're feeling as well.  i tend to eat during these times, too, and it's horrible.  want to stop, can't stop, hate that i can't stop, reach for another something to put in my mouth.  it's just awful!

sitting with you, by your side.  we'll get thru this together.  maybe we can play some cards or a board game to distract us and have some fun at the same time.  i can picture us in my head - it's a calming picture.  love and a hug filled w/ a de-stresser.   :hug:

(by the by, i think you did brilliantly in speaking up for yourself at work.  well done! :thumbup:).

Quote from: Sceal on November 30, 2020, 09:45:06 PM
I keep forgetting that there might be some trauma responce behind it. But that makes sense. When I don't see a direct corrolation, I end up thiking I need to be stronger than this, wt"# is wrong with me?

Maybe I'll come and remind you about trauma response some other time then ;)   There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever. It's trauma. Which you didn't cause. 

Quote from: Sceal on November 30, 2020, 09:45:06 PM
Congratulations on getting it up in the window. It's hard the marketing, it's like putting yourself on display, even more than you already are doing with your work.

Thank you for validating! I particularly like the way you expressed the underlined bit. That's what it comes down to for me. I have had this office for about 10 years now and this is the first time I've had professional signage in my window. But I guess it feels that way for you too - putting yourself on display.

Quote from: Sceal on November 30, 2020, 09:45:06 PM
I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

You are right to feel proud :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:
You helped me too - I finally send a reminder to my ll about one thing and have finally written a draft of a more difficult issue I have to address with him. I felt inspired by your "not waste any more time worrying". So thank you.

Quote from: Sceal on November 30, 2020, 09:45:06 PM
And I did grow a little today.
I had my conversation with Mr T. He is a nice sounding board, and I left it feeling like "okay I can do this". I called my new boss and asked her if she had time to meet today? She said yes, so I went to work, despite it not being my day, and sat down with her and told her that I need more predictability, stability and a sense of accomplishment if I am to continue to be on this project. That I feel I'm being invalidated too often, and I know that this time around it's been very chaotic because things were so last minute, and also because of covid19 restrictions. But that it's now affected my health, and I need some changes to happen otherwise I need to step down.
First of all.. I'm so proud of myself that I did it. I didn't forget any of the things I meant to say, I didn't stumble too much, I didn't sound like a petulent child (or at least I think, although I felt like I looked like one at the end - body language wise), I don't think I was whiny. I came with new ideas, and thoughts. And she said she's having a meeting with another department tomorrow to get some clarification for certain things. But after that the people in this project group can come together for a meeting and find a proper solution moving forward. Getting some organizing in.
I hope that this is a step in the right direction.  I'm really hopeful that it'll be a positive change. Something that all parties will be able to keep working on.

You did really well!! Sounds like a huge step to me and really brave too. Congratulations on not forgetting anything you wanted to say! That alone tells me you went as your Adult and not as an Inner Child. I hope it'll bring a positive change for you and the whole project group too!  :)

Quote from: Sceal on December 01, 2020, 07:53:38 PM
This uncertainty.. It's driving me insane. I broke down at work, and I just left without saying anything.
And I've been eating. and eating. and eating.
Trying to numb. I am now numb. And I still want to eat. but I feel guilty for the eating.

I understand that too, I can really relate. Things like that are so stressful. And you've been waiting since March... That's such a long time to be in limbo about financial security. I also over-eat or eat unhealthy things as soon as the going gets tough. I'm sending you care  :hug:

 :hug: oh sceal that's soul crushing I'm so sorry. I hope you hear soon. Hang in there.  Big hug :hug:

Hi Sceal,
I am sorry to hear you've had that news, and it's such a long time that you've been in limbo waiting to hear. 
Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Quote from: Sceal on December 01, 2020, 07:53:38 PM
This uncertainty.. It's driving me insane. I broke down at work, and I just left without saying anything.
And I've been eating. and eating. and eating.
Trying to numb. I am now numb. And I still want to eat. but I feel guilty for the eating.

That financial uncertainty would be very unnerving to me. Really stressful.

Quote from: Blueberry on December 02, 2020, 12:39:06 AM
Maybe I'll come and remind you about trauma response some other time then ;)   There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever. It's trauma. Which you didn't cause. 

I would love that, I think I still need these reminders. I signed up for 30 day trial on Audible, so I could listen to The Body Keeps The Score, now that I have no attentionspan to actually read stuff. I hope I finish the book in the 30 days I got for free.

QuoteThank you for validating! I particularly like the way you expressed the underlined bit. That's what it comes down to for me. I have had this office for about 10 years now and this is the first time I've had professional signage in my window. But I guess it feels that way for you too - putting yourself on display.

It kind of feels like putting a neon sign above my head, and both hoping and dreading that people will notice. Part of me depends on people noticing and liking enough to want to buy something (which is rare), and part of me keeps telling me "who do you think you are?!"

Quote from: Sceal on November 30, 2020, 09:45:06 PM
I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

QuoteYou are right to feel proud :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:
You helped me too - I finally send a reminder to my ll about one thing and have finally written a draft of a more difficult issue I have to address with him. I felt inspired by your "not waste any more time worrying". So thank you.

I'm very happy to hear that I could inspire you. I hope that sending the letter to him went okay and that he respects your request and boundaries!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 01, 2020, 09:38:43 PM
o my dear sceal, i can so relate. i'm going thru something similar, waiting to hear about our house, if we're even going to be able to continue living here in 6 mos. the waiting for these kinds of things is so stressful, and by the sound of it (the eating) that's what you're feeling as well.  i tend to eat during these times, too, and it's horrible.  want to stop, can't stop, hate that i can't stop, reach for another something to put in my mouth.  it's just awful!

sitting with you, by your side.  we'll get thru this together.  maybe we can play some cards or a board game to distract us and have some fun at the same time.  i can picture us in my head - it's a calming picture.  love and a hug filled w/ a de-stresser.   :hug:

(by the by, i think you did brilliantly in speaking up for yourself at work.  well done! :thumbup:).

It is insanely stressful, I feel you on this. Being able to have a most basic knowledge of knowing where one can live for an extended period is so vital for mental health, especially when you got cPTSD or  PTSD, having stability is important for everyone. I hope you get an answer soon too!

I swore I was going to call them every week and nag, but now that it's been a week I kind of don't have the guts to call them again. I'll try and call them again before christmas. If not, right after new years.

I'm still fairy worn out, but I've had more or less 2 weeks not doing anything art related at home. I've even for most of the time avoided thinking of it too, except in the moments when I panic that i'm not working. Progressing, growing, evolving.
I wish people would relax on this mentality a bit, so I could feel I am still  a part of the club. It is important to keep growing, yes, but like with working out your body to strengthen your muscles you need days off for restitution and just rest and eat in order to actually build up the muscles. But in the art world it feels like you're never really allowed to rest and eat. Because if you don't push yourself you'll fall behind, and if you fall behind you're irrelevant. and when you're only starting out really trying to earn money off of it, it's not the kind of image you want of yourself.
It builds on my stress so much. The pressue is too hard.  And it is starting to feel like how it was before the pandemic, that I can't keep up with everyone. And everything I do is of no use. It's not very fruitful for feeling that I am meaningful to my surroundings or in my own life.
But I will keep on fighting. I just need to vent

 :hug: sceal you have to do you.  Art isn't art if it doesn't have emotion in it.  You can't force good art to pour out of you if you need time to breathe, breathe.  Then work on your art.  It will turn out better when your emotion is in it.  Hugs :hug:

Right now, I am hurting. I'm hurting a lot today.
they say growth comes from pain, I sure as h!"# hope so, because otherwise what's the point of this?

I'm so fragile right now, I hate how little critisism that I am able to handle right now. Or any kind of feedback really. I don't know what's going on.
I went to the hospital a few weeks ago and they told me I was doing well. And then I started over-eating. I was almost getting past it. Almost. I was moving in the right direction, and then I had a dentist appointment today. My teeth was in almost perfect condition. By that I mean, no holes, and no problems. No real cleaning was needing done either. I've never been so quick in and out at a dentist ever before. What happens? I start feeling nauseous and I can't deal with that, so I buy a bag of chips, intending only to have a little to get rid of the nausea. I end up eating the entire bag. Then I start feeling sorry for myself.

I am trying to forgive myself for eating so much. I've been eating a lot more than the bag of chips today. And all, except dinner, was unhelathy choices for my body. I had a nap in the middle of the day, woke up feeling like crap. I don't want to be awake.
I see my GP tomorrow. Then I have that clarifying meeting at work.

I did some art today, I worked on an illustration as a finishing piece for a course I did. But this is the third time I make it, and the teacher just isn't happy. There's always something more needing correcting. The pose needs changing all the time. I just feel like I can't do art. I'm not cut out for this. I am never going to be good enough.
It hurts.
I don't know what else I can do. What else I can contribute with.

What is the point of all of this?! Why can I not handle any kinds of feedback. If people say they like it, I think they are lying. If they aren't liking it - I take it as I'm a complete and utter failure. Why do I have to continiously lose in every scenario? Why do I do this to myself?

God I miss Lady T.

 :hug: oh sceal take breath and remember that you have lots of people hear that love you hear.  Love yourself.  My friend you have to give yourself a break and a chance to breathe.  Sending a hug of love comfort in your time of hurting :hug:

I heard some days ago, or read. I can't recall... that if you're feeling like everything is an uphill battle everyday. Then maybe... maybe you're living a life based on goals instead of values.

Problem is.. I don't know what my values are. I don't know what mine are, and what I think they are supposed to be due to what I've been told all my life.
Trying to find them, i've tried for years, but I still get confused. Are they really mine?

I saw my GP today, she said she can understand that I'm not doing so well. Waiting and waiting, and waiting without any end in sight. She gets pissed off just having to sit in a car queue. I nearly cried, when she said that. When she validated the pain that my life is STILL on hold, that it is in the hands of someone else.

She tried to find other suggestions on what I can do than to use food as self harm. But I don't have energy for any of the suggestions she brought.
I need safety, structure. not meeting new people.

Although she compared my art to being my hobby. I told her to me it isn't a hobby, it's my work. It kind of hurts that she sees it that way, but she has family members that are artists too, so maybe she's influenced by that.

Meeting at work today was.. something. It wasn't bad, but I guess I had hoped we'd made more progress.

I ended up buying clothes I don't need.

I just need a long evening with a f*"#%" hug, or some positive reinforcement by people who wants me in their life. Who reaches out. Who tells me stupid jokes. I don't know, maybe I just want it.
I am so sick of being this person, this person being overwhelmed by emotions.

I might also have stronger reactions because I've been reading "The Body Keeps the Score" and it's really hard.

that's a very difficult book - i could only go thru dribs and drabs of it.

i'm with you sceal, i love having you in my life, even if it's only this virtual way.  if i could think of a joke, i'd tell it to you.  just don't have one in me right now.  love and a big hug :bighug:

 :hug: I wish I could be that person for you sceal.  I did hear a silly joke today.  I saw a guy spill his Scrabble letters on the road.  I asked him what's the word on the street.  ;D
Hope it made you smile.  Give yourself time to breathe sceal.  Big hug :hug:

It's defintively a difficult book, San. I am noticing though, this second time around, that it is primarily about children. I need about adults. Maybe there will be more about that later in the book. I hope so.

Thank you Tee, when I read your message first I did smile.
----

I've been eating my emotions all day, but all that it serves is it gives me more emotions. I feel so * for sitting still all day, my body hates me for it. But at the same time I have no desire, no will power to get up and move. For what purpose, be trapped with my own thoughts and emotion far away from distraction?
The problem is... I have no idea what it is that I am feeling, or even why. All I know is I long for a relief, a healthy relief.
Gym is open tomorrow for independent training. But I am super nervous about going. I feel like a fat blob, and I don't want them to see me like this. I don't even know why, and yet still at the same time I don't know how to stop thinking like this.

They have opened for individual workout this week, and privatlessons. I asked for a private lesson, but somehow I didn't really consider that it would cost me a lot of extra money. It's more than my monthly sub at the gym. I can't afford it. I really can't right now.
And it is triggering my anxiety to have to e-mail them back and saying "thanks, but I can't afford it right now after all. I think I'll just come in and do my own thing briefly".
I was super worried when I got there earlier in the week. They are only open twice a week, and this week only. As Christmas is next week. I was having performance anxiety earlier, now I just feel anxious about asking them for something and then not being able to pay for what I asked. I feel stupid too, because I didn't factor in that it might actually cost money. I mean. why didn't I assume that?

I wish I could laugh at myself in this situation. But I find it very difficult.

Hey Sceal, I understand and hear you. I can relate to your anxiety when I have also misspoke something, and need to correct it. My heart goes out to you.  :hug:
Sending you support and hugs, I hope you feel better (and sending you a safe blanket too)  :hug:  :hug:

Thank you Marta! Sleep did help, I think I managed to convey the message politely.
He smiled and said hello to me when he saw me later that day. But I didn't manage to do a good workout though. But I did do a workout.

I am stress eating. Like A lot. And I feel guilty about it.
I don't feel like I have a lot of control in my life. My life is largely in the hands of others. And it is a waiting game.
I even joined one of those dating apps, but even there I'm not really worthy or interesting enough for the men - which sucks, I am finally ready to go on a date. They say Women have it easy, hundreds of likes, and being swamped with messages. I got tumbleweed. Doesn't do well for my confidence, I'll tell you.

But I'm trying. I got my head above water more than I did this time last year. So there's been progress. And I got to keep that in mind. It would just be really, really nice if I could just battle 1 thing for a little while. Or just nothing for about 6 months, until life kicks me down again. A little break would be great.

 :hug: Sceal I'm glad your head is above water that's a big step.  I've never tried a dating app.  I'd be scared too.  So good luck and I'm sure it takes time to figure out. :Idunno:  I hope you have some time to get your get under you without any further knockdowns.  That would be great. Thinking of you and sending a big hug of love and encouragement :hug:

Thinking of you too, Tee!

I've been practising being on the app all year. Just looking and not doing anything else. Some of my friends got 5-7 dates the first week.
I wouldn't have handled that. and there's plenty of stories of how creepy it can get.
I dunno, I guess I just want to feel wanted? Interesting? relevant?

 :hug: I don't think I could do online dating if I was single again. :grouphug:

I've been single for 5 years.
.
Today is not a good day.

 :hug: sending love Sceal :hug:. I'm not having a great day either but I hope tomorrow will be better. :hug:

Christmas was okay, it was calm and quiet. Just me and the folks.
I've been selfish though. I've only thought of myself. I haven't thought about my ex at all. I try not to think much about him, because I feel so terribly guilty and so full of shame.

In two months it's been a year since I moved away from him. Even though it was over 5 years ago. I don't know how his year has been, but I don't think it's been very good. The start of the year was horrendous for him. It really was. He was sick (not covid), he was forced to move, he was on leave from the job due to covid19, with huge financial issues. He moved into a shared house, and I don't think he socializes at all with the other people. And I sincerely doubt he got to visit his family during Christmas, which means he hasn't seen them for a year. And he's been all alone. I don't think any of his friends have invited him over, I don't think they think that far.
And my heart just breaks for him.
I know. I KNOW that he's not my responsibility, that he never was my responsibility. But.. The shame, the guilt, the feeling that I left him stranded doesn't leave me. I know he is an adult man, who should be capable of making his own desicions. I hope that he will make some good desicions for himself, that he will get treated for his depression. But... I don't think he will. I think his shame is so far gone, that he doesn't dare to. I think it controls him so deeply.

I just wish he, and other people in his situation would get some relief. Would get a reason to smile.
I wish he will find himself a new girl. One that's good for him, and he for her. I know I broke him, just as he broke me too. Although, I was already broken. The way I treated him is my biggest regret, along with not calling my Grandma the night before she died because "it's a little late, I'll call her tomorrow"

Sceal, I recall the emotional turmoil that you went through when you were making the decision to move away from ex. Without minimizing your feelings of guilt and shame, I do want to affirm you for making and keeping with the difficult and healthy decision to leave.

Thank you Notalone. It's good to get that as an affirmation, validating that it was the right choice. I need that too. Thank you.

 :hug: I agree with notalone.  Keep putting on foot in front of the other Sceal.  We are here for you.  Love and support. :hug:

 :yeahthat:   :hug: :hug:

Thank you everyone!

I was celebrating NY with some new friends at the family cabin. And I think I might have overshared a little bit too much. Because I'm wrecked with anxiety. Ironically I'm not overthinking what I've said, or if I've said too much. No, no instead my panic is more "Did I turn off the coffee machine? Did I unplug it? Yes, yes I did. *, what about the stove? Did we turn it off? Is it still on? Will I be the reason why the cabin burn down?" And I can't seem to let it go. I got home yesterday and I fell asleep listening to soothing music and taking an anxiety medication, because I couldn't shake it. And I still can't today.

I am trying my best to breathe, to do the things I can control. I went for a hike, it was cold. But it was alright. I could have been sitting still all day, but instead I went for the hike. I did a tiny-tiny bit towards my business. But then I panicked. What if I get successful? Sh8t. I don't know what to do if that happens.
How ridiculous is even that?  I think I might have to actually take another calming medication, because this is ridiculous.

Hi Sceal,

Sending you a hug  :hug: and just wanted to say that I hope that you feel calmer as time goes on.  It's good that you had a hike, despite the cold weather. 

Sending you love and support too.

Hope  :)

 :hug: I'm glad you were able to share some of your Stout? I hope the response was good for the most part. I'm sure you got everything done? And remember that you are only part of the team closing down the cabin.  Big hugs. :hug:

Thank you, Hope. It was a lovely walk. It's predicted it'll be cold here for a while. Which is okay, as long as it doesn't rain.

Thank you, Tee. But they were my guests at my parents cabin. The responsibility lies with me.

I occasionally get these panic attacks when I leave the house too. "Did I leave the coffee machine on? Will it start a fire?"

These thoughts are so strong. I don't get why. I haven't felt this strong panic attacks for months. What's going on? I can't breathe now. I thought writing would help but it's not..

Woke up in panic too. First in the middle of the night, and then super early morning.
I can't get it out of my head. I think after all my meetings and things have done today I'm going to ask to borrow the car to drive around to think a bit. Which will be code for driving to the cabin to check.
My logical brain thinks everything would be fine. If it had burnt down by now, then we'd know. And then my emotional brain goes like "but what if it is about to burn down?!" And panic rises again.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I had a lucid thought this morning. That perhaps this panic comes from not feeling in control over my own life? Like I feel I have to ask for permission for everything, -i'm at the mercy of people allowing me to do things. Although this isn't something I feel conciously, I wonder... maybe that is what is causing all of these. I feel observed, and I feel people have the need to know where I am at any given time, and I have to notify people where I go, if I go somewhere. How long I'll be gone and whatnot.  I live in a peaceful country, it isn't a safety measure to let people know where you go.

But maybe... Maybe I just need to take more control. I need to just go out of the house sometimes. Problem is... there's no where to go. It's too cold to just roam the streets, well.. not too cold. But I don't like being cold, so it'd be unpleasant. And boring. Most things are locked down. Besides I don't want to spend more money... I don't want to go to a café just to be anywhere else. I don't really know what I want tbh. But I need to take charge a little more.  Maybe that will help.

Quote from: Sceal on January 02, 2021, 03:02:37 PM
I did a tiny-tiny bit towards my business. But then I panicked. What if I get successful? Sh8t. I don't know what to do if that happens.
How ridiculous is even that? 

That sounds familiar to me, Sceal. I don't think it's ridiculous. I think there's something traumatic behind it in my case, or at least fear of some kind of overwhelm if success came, and I don't necessarily think workload overwhelm but more emotions or past memories or realisations. It could be something along those lines for you. Or it may be something different. But whatever it is, I don't think it's ridiculous.

I used to have those panicky feelings about 'maybe the house is burning down' or 'maybe the washing machine is flooding everywhere' (not a good thing if you live in rental accommodation with lower floors to drip onto). Sometimes I talked myself through it, sometimes I did go back and check. standing with you however you decide. :hug: More :hug: :hug: for going through lockdown in cold weather. 

To Blueberry,
Maybe you're right, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I have the capacity to dive into that right now and see if it fits with me too. That it is trauma related. It might just be consequence of trauma symptom.

Thank you for understanding that fear. That when you leave the house you've done some fatal mistake that will end up burning down the house, or flooding it and generally costing everyone a buttload of money. All because you weren't paying attention. Forgot. Or something stupid.  :hug: It's so embarrassing.

--
My folks went out to the cabin in the end. I couldn't come up with a good excuse to borrow their car for hours at an end. Not during the pandemic, and when the government has told us not to go visit anyone. What excuse could I use? There was nothing wrong at the cabin. Except for a misplaced phone charger. so I haven't had any anxiety attacks since Mid-day wednesday. When I realised they had arrived and they hadn't called me in fury.

I am however. Chock-a-bock full of EF's today. It took me a while to realize it. I was being annoyed at my friends for telling me I need to give this guy a chance for a second date, when I had told them the date was pleasant, but boring. And that there was nothing there for me, and he was only busy talking about himself and how self-reflected he is. Clearly not reflected enough that he understood he didn't ask me a single question.  I'm not sure what the EF is really about. Perhaps lack of control. Perhaps people telling me what I should do. Perhaps this guilt thing that I can't seem to drop. Not really. I don't even know what it is I feel guilty about right now. But that heavy weight stone is stuck in my belly.  I can feel it so clearly.  I feel like I've been awake for a week, and been walking uphill everyday for a month. Yet in little over an hour I have to be sociable and friendly through skype call. I hope I wont snap at anyone.

I have a feeling that my best friend is pissed at me for something. Or maybe just sick and tired of me. I'm not entirely sure. But she never reaches out and says hi anymore. Hasn't for over a month, maybe it's been two? I can't recall. I've reached out to her several times. And it's like talking to a cold potato. Very little response, Maybe she's going through some stuff. Maybe it's just the covid19 stuff that's gotten her bummed down. Whatever it is, I'm nervous about pretending everything is going to be great tonight.
I'm skittish, I'm still in the EF, even if I realise that it is there doesn't mean it's not gone. It's barely past dinner time and all i really want to do is go to bed. But shceduling this call has been difficult.

Sceal, thank you for sharing! I really resonated with a lot of what you've said. On another note, glad to hear that everything was okay at the cabin!
I know the feeling of being anxious over something like that.
Wishing you all the luck during your call tonight  :cheer:

Quote from: Sceal on January 08, 2021, 05:31:53 PM
To Blueberry,
Maybe you're right, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I have the capacity to dive into that right now and see if it fits with me too. That it is trauma related. It might just be consequence of trauma symptom.

My apologies Sceal if I was attributing too much of my thing onto you! Good job on not diving in, good self-care I mean :yes: :yes:  It sounds as if you have enough going on rn otherwise. I'm sending you support for that. :hug: 

Thank you Mojay, it kind of helps knowing I'm not the only one who get these stupid panic attacks about these kind of things.  My RL friends think I am weird because of it.

To Blueberry: You didn't attribute your thing onto my stuff. Don't worry about that. It is something that I will ponder upon when I got a few of the other things dealt with. It'll be on my mental to-do list. It'll be good to figure out if there's some trauma related to it, or not.

---

I feel a little better today. The only physical interaction I had with anyone yesterday was when I went to buy myself a kebab for dinner. Otherwise I chatted a little bit with a few people. The event I was going to online got cancelled an hour ahead of time. Which meant I got to snuggle up and watch another movie and not deal with anything. I danced a little in the kitchen and indulged in some daydream fantasy.

My folks are returning home today. I wish they would stay another day. But it will be alright. I kind of want to work, but I'm also noticing that I got a bit of cottonhead today. Sometimes when I have these days where I work from 10 in the morning until 20-21 at evening with breaks throughout the day I keep wondering to myself if I am really as disabled as I have made it out to be. Maybe i'm just a fraud. But then.. that was Tuesday and it's now Saturday and I'm still not ready to get back to working - and I am reminded that I cannot actually work consistently everyday. My mind and my body doesn't function well enough for that. And I am reminded of what Lady T said some years ago.. that my work abilities lie only between 10-30%, depending on whether I am under a lot of pressure and stress or not.
My panic attacks, my excessive need for sleep, and my constant stress eating are symptopms that tells me that I am under a lot of stress. I am not quite sure why I feel this stress.. Or maybe - Maybe I am lying to myself. I am perhaps expecting there to be a newfound reason as to why I'm stressed out.. When I know that there are some fundamental things in my life right now that I am still waiting for, such as my final financial support. Housing loan, and deletion of student loan due to low income. The fact that I , in the middle of my 30s had to move back in with my folks because I am still waiting for these applications to be accepted or denied. And then have to wait and see if I have to send in a complaint and wait for another few years in order for that to be sorted or not.
I feel like a burden.
I am also stressing out about my art not selling. Not being able to gain an audience, or followers. That I am not good enough.
I am trying to do what seems to be a trend on tiktok now, that 2021 is going to be the year when people start loving themselves more. Loving the bodies they have, loving who they are and be unapologetic about it.

Like this date I was on. I haven't heard from him since, and I think we both kind of felt the same.. that there was no connection between us. And i'm not saying he's a terrible choice of a man. Just that him and I aren't the best choice for eachother. And why should we settle? There's someone better out there for him. And there's someone else, hopefully?, out there for me too. And even if there isn't. I'm okay with being on my own. Sometimes it would be nice though, to cuddle up next to someone and feel safe in their arms. That's the only thing I miss. Or being able to make memories together with someone.  But I am also capable and enough on my own.

I've been having nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that you force yourself awake from.
It is really bright and earl here now, I'm the only one awake besides the pets. It's quiet. And I'm exhausted. I made coffee, but I might just go back to bed if I can manage it in a little bit. We'll see.

I don't know why I'm getting these nightmares again. I haven't been triggered. I still stress eat. But not as much, and now mainly only late afternoon and evening. The mornings are usually okay. I don't feel that many emotions right now either. I don't feel numb, I just don't feel all that much. Bored and disinterested in things I guess.  I thought I was going to come on here and unload my thoughts.. but I'm realising I don't actually have anything to say..

 :hug: hi Sceal I'm sorry your having nightmares.  I've been having nightmares/flashbacks lately too.  It's made it very difficult to sleep.  Some of my littles have actually stayed up all night to not sleep :doh: anyway I just wanted to say hi I hope you are able to go back to sleep for a bit.  I'm getting ready to go to bed myself hopefully.  Hope you have a good day if you end up staying up.  Enjoy the quite before the world starts getting busy. :) Sending love  :hug:

Hi Tee. I managed to snooze off a little bit, because I let the cat in, and she wanted cuddles so bad she followed me to my bedroom. And sat next to me purring. It was soothing and calming. I didn't quite fall asleep, but I got some rest. And some allergies, but it was worth the latter.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Sceal, I'm sorry that you have been having nightmares. Ugh. I find our new kitten to be very soothing and calming when she's cuddling and purring too. (Not so much when she's pretending to be a lion attacking her prey, which is everything and everybody!)  :grouphug:

 :hug: pets are good for calming like that I'm glad you were able to relax. :hug:

 :yeahthat:  ;D  :hug:

Just found out the poor cat has worms. It's not uncommon for cats that mostly spend their time outdoors. She's probably been drinking unclean water or captured a rat or bird or something. But it means my folks doesn't want her indoor until she's worm-free.

plus side, I got a lot of work done today. Seems like tuesdays are my most productive days. Although, I keep getting confused at which day it is. It's a little stressful not knowing which weekday it is. Not getting any sales is a little stressful too. I keep thinking about it. Worrying about it. Wondering if I can cover the expenses for making more art.

I'm glad you were able too get thing done today Sceal.  If you think Tuesdays are your best day and you can't remember what day it is just always think it most be Tuesday.😜 :hug: Just kidding I know that's frustrating.  I hope you sell some stuff soon. Big hug would love to see some of your stuff some time. I know you've said that takes away the whole anynonomus thing but if you don't put your name on it I wouldn't know cause I don't really know that many artist. :Idunno: Though I like art.  Big hug of encouragement. :hug:

Sceal, I'm sorry you've been having nightmares, my heart goes out to you  :hug: I'm sorry about your cat having worms, hope they get better quickly so you can have more snuggles :) Sending you my care and support, and although I don't have anything helpful to say for your artwork sales, just know that I'm rooting for you in any case. :bighug:
P.S. I'd also be happy to see some of your artwork if you ever choose to share (no pressure though, you can completely ignore this)  :hug:

Hi Sceal,
Sending you a hug, and I hope your cat gets better soon.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you. All of you <3  :hug:

I won't be sharing my art, as I can't keep my anonymity then. I can't share my art without my name online either. But I greatly appreciate your interests, and your support. It means a lot to me.

I've been dreaming again. Not only nightmares. But I recall every dream, I remember them when I wake up. It's been nearly a year since I woke up remembering all my dreams. I don't quite like it. I prefer waking up not remembering. I can usually tell if it was a good, bad or hectic dream regardless. I don't need to remember them. It's noise. I don't want it.

I'm restless. I feel like the days are much the same. Not a lot of difference. I'm doing back-end stuff, but it's taking forever to get done - because I'm not very motivated. and because I'm exhausted. And because I can't really tell yet if any of it is making any difference. Or if it will make any difference.
I am working on changing the way I spend my money, but ironically.. It's costing me money upfront. I've spent so much money this month.

I don't have a lot of emotions these days.  It's like empty restlessness. I guess it's better than feeling like *. At least I get something done, even if it's not nearly as much as I need to get done.

i'm with you all the way, my dear, as you struggle thru this.  sending love and a hug filled with a light at the end of the tunnel. :hug:

I got to work out at the gym today. Not my old gym, but a new one, a temporarily one. It was great. It was a good workout. I got filled with happy hormones afterwards - and I'm looking forward to Wednesday when I can go again.

I'm still procrastinating. I'm avoiding. I'm scared I suppose. Or maybe it's not something I really want? I'm not sure tbh, but something is stopping me.
I also realise there's no play in my life. I don't play anymore. They say we need to play, even as adults - in order to be happier or to stress down. But I've forgotten how to play.  I've forgotten how I enjoy play.

I've ruined my tools. 3 of the tools that I need for a work that got a deadline.
It is my own fault, rushing trying to fix them rather than researching how to do it properly.
I am devastated.
I tried to tell a friend but all she did was tell me options to buy new, less quality tools. How is that avoiding spending money?
I can't afford this. These tools doesn't sell here, I need to get them from abroad, which means shipping cost and toll costs on top. And probably 1-2 month delivery time.
I am crushed.
I know there are solutions, but I am not interested in that. I need support and comfort.
I feel so 24&@7 alone rn. If I talk to anyone about this they will just tell me to focus on other parts of my work, tell me that there's not much money in art, tell me to buy stuff, tell me to think differently.
That is NOT what I need right now. I need a god $62&+ hug, and being told I can do this *. But that isn't possible. I don't have that kind of person in my life. And also.. no one can hug anyone rn anyway.
So instead I am sitting underneath my desk at work. Because I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to act. I don't want to pretend everything is great. I don't want to make desicions right now.
No one cares until I am in the room anyway.
I am trying so hard. So so hard not to pick up that tool which is within reach for SH right now. And I am trying so hard to not go down to the store to buy candy to feel something else.

I know I am overreacting. I know this is stupid.
But I can't stop it. So I am hiding.  And crying.
I feel utterly useless.
Like a complete failure.

Why do I do this? If all it does is drain my money?  Is it even worth it anymore?

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

 :hug: Blueberry.
---


Today started off okay. I got to vent a little when I got home, complained about how my friend had responded to me being down. I didn't even bother mentioning my annoyance with my s. I knew mom doesn't quite understand my reactions. She never said I was overreacting, but I think I might have been. I just was in a place where all I really needed was some understanding and support.
But as I said, today started off pretty okay. the morning was slow, I don't think I got enough good rest. But I managed to get my * to the gym, and I got some boxing done and some strength. All the mirrors there makes me super conscious, but I try to ignore it as much as possible. It felt good working out. I went home when I got nauseous. I think I was there for too long without food. Got home and got some work done. I finally got some progress on some backlog text I have to write and prepare to make the future easier. But then I took a break, and it ended up being hours of breaks. And now I feel really *. I really do. I'm considering a second shower, some music and dancing before I have to pretend I'm a good happy human for a social event online.

But people annoy me. Omg do they annoy me. They annoy me so much. They make me so angry. And I don't even know why.

Sceal, I hear how overwhelmed and crushed you felt because of the ruined tools. My heart hurt for what you were going through.

Quote from: Sceal on January 22, 2021, 05:58:02 PM
But people annoy me. Omg do they annoy me. They annoy me so much. They make me so angry. And I don't even know why.

Maybe because you have to pretend you're a "good, happy human" when you are around other people?

 :hug: big understand hug Sceal. The whole part about perfection and not allowing yourself to feel anger rings so true for me as well. 

I'm sorry to hear about your dog. It is so hard to loose a member of your family especially one that loves you so unconditionally.  I've been there too.  You will be in my thoughts.

I've learned just recently with my T and actually through my studies that often early trauma makes people pleasers and perfectionist. So in part at least it rings true for me those parts of my personality stem from a very early and young part of myself that learned those things as a survival mechanisms.  Not sure if that makes sense or applies to your situation or not.

Send love and encouragement and extra hugs for you to make it through the rough times ahead to grieve your loss. :hug:

I didn't really leave, but I am back.
There's been so much on my plate, I've morphed back into reactive mode. I'm not proactive, I'm not in control, I'm just reacting to the things around me. It's survival, I suppose. It's a habit I am well versed to do.

But if I am honest with myself, the reason why I'm so unhappy right now - is because I feel like I am not taking charge of my own life. I am still waiting for the application to come through. I sent it in December of 2019, and I still have no answer. They said last I spoke with them that they were trying to get me an answer by April. We're nearly in April, so I haven't bugged them since. Since they gave me actually a time of day.  but I haven't heard from them today, which means that I will have to call them on Monday and ask what's up. I need it in order to have a proper chance to get myself home, a place I can call home. I got a loan at the bank, but it's a tricky loan. With this application, there's a chance that I can have more money and won't have to skimp on food, and won't have to quit my martial arts. I know I could do other exercise and do it for free at home, but the workout at the centre of my martial art has so much more than just the physical aspects of it. It reduces my stress, it increases my social life, it makes me happy for 2 hours, it makes me forget my art trouble, my financial problems.

I feel like a guest in my own life, one that was only supposed to be visiting for a brief time but ended up staying on an undecided time frame. Art is quite stressful, I really wish I had a mentor right now, or a peer that I could sit down and talk with on a weekly basis. Someone who could help me get past this struggle that I got right now. I know that I need to slow down, I need to re-centre myself and figure out what it is that I need to focus on right now. Should I create things that will most likely sell, should I lower my prices and get rid of my stock? Should I work towards this goal that I really would like to do, and have wanted to do for years  -but are so terrified that I will fail at. If I put in so much time, effort and energy into something - for only to have it fail. Or not be good enough. I know that I have to go through this process a few times, but I would really rather it not be the one thing that matters the most to me. And I am so scared that I am not good enough. I am trying so dearly to quiet the critic, the unhelpful feedback that my emotions and my brain is giving me. I've worked hard to be where I am at. But I am still not sure if I have worked hard enough. I think about art 24/7, it's exhausting. Some of my friends is trying to tell me that I need to do art for fun too, or to find some other hobby that I could do to lessen the pressure and increase the fun in my life. And they aren't wrong, I just seem to be unable to do this.
Perhaps I need a more sense of control in my own life before I can relax? A home to call my own,  the application process to be done and over with, to get an answer regarding this oncoming exhibition this year. Will I have to do it on my own, or are we more than me? The mindset will be quite different.
And I also wish I knew how to set boundaries, make people accept them without being mean, crude or offensive. But I am so tired of people not hearing me when I say no.

I should perhaps do the work and figure out who's "good enough" approval that I am seeking. Once I can set words to that, it'll be more achievable perhaps. An easier goal to see and set and reach for. Instead of this illusive good enough, that I can't seem to name. The only thing I know is that I'm not there. I'm not good enough.

Sorry no wherewithal to read your post tonight, but when I saw your name under Updated Posts, I was happy to see you back.  :wave:  :hug: I've missed you. So without reading your post, I'll just say I hope you're doing OK.

Thank you Blueberry!  :wave:

The last few weeks I have been in growing pains. Emotional growth, the processes are still being.. well, processed. I am still figuring out things. But I don't really want to, i want to be comfortable without having to grow right now. Because to me, growing right now looks like I have to be the better person. I have to take into the account of why other people behave the way they do. Maybe they are having a bad day, and their behavior is due to that. Or they are going stir crazy due to covid-19, or something else more long term than 'just a bad day' is bothering them. I have to see things from their perspective then, but the thing that happens then. Is that perhaps I become a better person for it. In other people's eyes. But what really happens, what actually happens is that I vanish. My voice has less meaning, because someone else's bad day trumps mine. Because their stir crazy is more important to take into account than my stir crazy.

I vanish. I stop learning to get to know myself, because I have to appraise other people and meet their needs.

I haven't said this aloud to anyone yet, but here goes. (And right now I don't care if I sound petty): what about my needs? When can someone see me? When can someone take my needs, or my bad day into account? When can I be excused? Or when can I be picked up and asked how am I really doing? And not the kind of question that they don't want the answer too. But the kind of honest, vulnerable and curious question about how I am doing. Wanting to know all about the things that goes through my head, listening to my fears, my worries, my stress. My curiosity, hope, determination. My quest. Just... I want to be seen. I want to feel seen. I want to have that connection in person. Not online. I want someone to want to come over and watch stupid shows hours after hours... Because we are so tired we can't be added to do anything else.
It doesn't have to be a partner. It could just be a really good friend.

I just want to be seen. For a while. To give me room to see myself..so that i can be safer in who I am. So that I can have energy, patience and care for everyone else who has a bad day.

Hi Sceal,
Just wanted to say that I've missed you, and wanted to send you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,
Thank you  :hug: That's very kind of you to say. I hope you've been doing alright.

Sceal, what you say makes a lot of sense.

Take care :hug:

Thank you Alter Ego!
---

I wanted to come here and tell you about the guy I have a crush on. But instead, I need to talk about the fact I'm jealous. I haven't been properly jealous in such a long time I didn't really think it was part of my personality anymore. But I am jealous. I have a crush on a man that's outside my reach, and we've been talking a lot lately, not about important stuff or anything. Just chit-chatting.  I don't even know why I care. It's not like this guy asks me about me. so why do I even care? I don't know. I've been dreaming of being able to kiss him. I haven't been wanted to be kissed by anyone. A.n.y.o.n.e for years. Years. Maybe that's why I care. Because I've been daydreaming about him.

I am trying to let go. It's not like I have a reason to be jealous. I guess it's just triggering my feeling of being left behind. Logically speaking, I am being incredible stupid right now. But I am trying to let him go - because this hurt. This is interfering with my regular life that I really need to break down and focus properly on. I have a few really important deadlines. And I really need to focus on that. and I am trying so hard right now to use this frustration and annoyance and energy into productive energy.

I'm trying...

Sceal, since when do we need a reason to feel anything?   ;)
As much as it sucks to feel jealous and all that....you're human and you're feeling!
Ironically, trying to make that go away, or telling yourself that you should't feel it, won't make it go away.
Your feelings make sense. Be compassionate towards yourself and your feelings, you're allowed to feel whatever you feel. However inconventiant ;)

Take care!

Quote from: Sceal on March 31, 2021, 08:26:53 PM
The last few weeks I have been in growing pains. Emotional growth, the processes are still being.. well, processed. I am still figuring out things. But I don't really want to, i want to be comfortable without having to grow right now. Because to me, growing right now looks like I have to be the better person. I have to take into the account of why other people behave the way they do. Maybe they are having a bad day, and their behavior is due to that. Or they are going stir crazy due to covid-19, or something else more long term than 'just a bad day' is bothering them. I have to see things from their perspective then, but the thing that happens then. Is that perhaps I become a better person for it. In other people's eyes. But what really happens, what actually happens is that I vanish. My voice has less meaning, because someone else's bad day trumps mine. Because their stir crazy is more important to take into account than my stir crazy.

I vanish. I stop learning to get to know myself, because I have to appraise other people and meet their needs.

I haven't said this aloud to anyone yet, but here goes. (And right now I don't care if I sound petty): what about my needs? When can someone see me? When can someone take my needs, or my bad day into account? When can I be excused? Or when can I be picked up and asked how am I really doing? And not the kind of question that they don't want the answer too. But the kind of honest, vulnerable and curious question about how I am doing. Wanting to know all about the things that goes through my head, listening to my fears, my worries, my stress. My curiosity, hope, determination. My quest. Just... I want to be seen. I want to feel seen. I want to have that connection in person. Not online. I want someone to want to come over and watch stupid shows hours after hours... Because we are so tired we can't be added to do anything else.
It doesn't have to be a partner. It could just be a really good friend.

I just want to be seen. For a while. To give me room to see myself..so that i can be safer in who I am. So that I can have energy, patience and care for everyone else who has a bad day.

Only reading this just now. It makes so much sense Sceal! I see you and I hear you. I know you want to be seen IRL, not just online. I can't give you that, I'm sorry.

I don't think it's petty at all to say "What about my needs?"

As for your recent post, feelings don't follow logic. People seem to think they should, but they don't. I'm struggling with that atm. I think a friend is expecting me to just get over something that my feelings can't just get over, so I'm going with my feelings. I often have trouble accepting my feelings, but the best way is to try and accept them. My T always says it's OK to feel whatever you feel, it's what you do with it that counts. Hope that helps a little.

I accept you the way you are with all your feelings. Try and be kind to yourself. :hug:

 :hug: sceal I hear you sceal it so hard to put others first when you need to be seen.  I hope you find a friend IRL to hang out with and chat with to be seen and known it is so important to make that connection.

Having a crush is not bad thing either, you should go for it and ask him to hang out.  Being jealous just means you put your feelings into the relationship that's not bad.  If I were you I'd confine the friendship and ask to hangout sometime.  See where it goes. ;D you never know what might happen if you put yourself out there.  Big hug of support I see you. :hug:

oh my dear sweet sceal, not incredibly stupid at all!  sorry i've been away so long, but glad to be back, at least for today.

we have so many different parts of us, experiences, memories, that i don't doubt one or some of them is triggering this feeling of jealousy.  i've always heard jealousy comes from insecurity, and most of us have grappled with feeling insecure because of what's happened in our past.  i'm not normally jealous, either, yet it's come up at times when i didn't expect it.  but, i don't see anything you're talking about being connected to stupid.  not for a minute.

you are seen and heard here.  i wish it were so for you in reality as well.  it's a terrible feeling - i've been on that invisibility scale several times, and it's been hurtful and confusing to me.  sending all best wishes, always.  love and hugs :hug: