I struggle with CPTSD, and am recovering from codependency. I have repressed memories of my childhood from before 13 years old. I was emotionally abused by my narcissistic parents, who hated each other. I was raised in a war zone. I left home in trauma at 18, and slid into a marriage as a result of what I now know was trauma bonding. I started with chronic illness when I was pregnant w my 4th baby at 27. My marriage was full of me/empath and him/narcissist nightmares. No one knew outside of our family. My symptoms increased and increased, and so did his narcissism. I started therapy 2 years ago, and marriage counseling 1 year ago. It was in marriage counseling that I started getting massively triggered, so that my lifecoach saw how bad things really were. Each session he would manipulate and control, to the point where finally, a year in, my counselor said no more. She told me husband if he continued to do what he was doing (controlling counseling and using her as a weapon against me) she would step out of counseling with us. He kept it up, and she kept her word. This just happened a few weeks ago. I spent an entire week shocked to my core, because I told him if he did that, it was over. He essentially spit in the face of reconciliation. So I melted down to liquid for a bit. Shaking, terrified...scared. But it has sunk in. My counselor has seen it, and supports me fully. My heart is truly broken, but I HAVE to face the reality that for now, my marriage is over. Here's the rub. I am still living in this tiny house, in a separate room, during a pandemic, while I am attempting to break my trauma bond. I am triggered almost 24/7 right now, as this last painful dying flesh is carved away. But I know it must be carved away for me to heal. At the same time, I feel like I am in a literal nightmare and I cannot wake up. From everything I have read, from everything I have been told, there is no other way but to leave...to get away. If I stay here, I have to find a way to do it in a healing way. I am not there yet, but I am working on it. I am a very intimate person, who has no clue how to be surface. I crave deep connection. I have been married for 35 years. We are the parents of 4 married kids, with 7 grandchildren. And my whole world has fallen apart. I am trying to stand on strong legs, but I am trembling from head to foot. I am so lonely, and I want a hug so badly, and I would love to have someone come sit with me. The grief is unbearable. I am trying to take my power back. I am trying to break this trauma bond. I am trying to learn to love myself MORE than my fear of abandonment.
:fallingbricks:
Any words that come to my mind are too weak. If I knew you IRL, I would just sit with you and hold your hand.
Thank you so much. I feel your support.
:grouphug: