Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Hope67 on August 03, 2020, 03:19:32 PM

Title: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 03, 2020, 03:19:32 PM
3rd August 2020.

Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

WhoBuddy recommended a book to me about Befriending parts, which is by Janina Fisher, and I have been struggling to start this latest journal, so I've resorted to copying the notes I wrote from her book, as they highlight some of my aims in continuing this journey:

I hope to:
* Develop and form internal attachment relationships to my young selves
* Be mindful of conflicts, ambivalence, or confusion = manifestations of struggles between parts
* Build empathy and attunement to parts
* Overcome self-alienation
* Mindfully scan my body and feeling states for the communications from my fragmented selves
* Adopt or come to love the hurt, lost and lonely parts
*Develop self-compassion and awareness
* Befriend my parts and earn their trust
* Try to develop the following qualities as antidotes to the painful experiences suffered by exiled child parts: Curiosity; Clarity; Creativity; Calm; Courage; Confidence; and Commitment.
* Aim to help my adult self to grow these 'C' qualities listed above, to help the child parts learn to turn to a 'self-led' wise adult self who can reassure their fears and loneliness.

Previously, I noted the following from the book, as helpful, and I still feel it is helpful now, so including it:
"Traumatic events – encoded as implicit emotional and physical states, rather than encoded in the form of chronological narrative.  Disowning the "not me" or trauma-related parts and the ability to function without awareness of having been traumatized.  Assume that all distressing thoughts, feelings and body responses are communications from trauma-related parts."

Tip: Notice the parts' distressing emotions and unsafe impulses and regulate them, rather than react to them.

(I've had to resort to copying the start of a previous journal of mine, because I found parts have been resistant to my starting a new journal – especially as I've been away for a few weeks from the forum)

I am however glad to be back here, as I feel like I need to use this space to move forward in my journalling, and connect with others here. 

I value any replies or comments from others.  It feels very validating to share things in that way, and I am grateful to everyone who has written in my previous journals. 

(I'm aware there are resistant parts of me today – but I really want to write these things right now.  I want to start this journal off).

I feel like I need to say to all my parts, 'please don't worry' 'I am going to try to ensure you're all part of my life, and noone will be missed out or neglected, I care about you all.'  (Feeling reassured by this).

Glad to have written something, and started this new journal today.

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 03, 2020, 08:05:42 PM
glad you're back, hope.  that last bit that you wrote for your resistant parts did sound reassuring.  i'll bet they were glad to hear it.  and congrats on going thru the fear door to begin a new journal.  i know that can be tough sometimes.

keep up the good work, my dear.  it sounds like you're using all the resources at your disposal, and i give you a lot of credit for that, even if sometimes it's scary.  i did like that quote from the book, too - how we deny the trauma that's so ingrained in us.  at least realizing that gives us a foothold on the reality of what's going on with our behaviors, thoughts, and words.  nice!

love and hugs, hope. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 04, 2020, 02:59:03 PM
Hi Sanmagic,
It's good to be back, despite the reservations from some of my parts - they have been resistant on occasions, and I hope to write about some of that, at some point.  It was incredibly hard to write/start a new journal - even though I wanted to.  Now that I have, it's ok.  I've done it.

I appreciate the love and hugs, and I'm looking forward to catching up with things here.  Being away for a month, it seems a long time.  I guess it is.  Yet somehow time also went relatively quickly too.

:hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Three Roses on August 04, 2020, 03:51:34 PM
Glad you're back - your posts are encouraging, thoughtful and uplifting.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on August 05, 2020, 04:31:28 AM
 :hug: I'm glad your back as well I missed you hope! :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on August 05, 2020, 08:13:36 AM
Your aims for the new journal sound great, Hope. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Bach on August 05, 2020, 01:13:01 PM
That's a great set of goals, Hope. Best wishes for your continued journey  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 06, 2020, 06:19:59 PM
Hi Three Roses - thanks for saying that, and I'm glad to be back, as I've missed you and everyone.   :hug:
Hi Tee - I missed you too  :hug:
Hi Snowdrop - Thank you, and I've missed you.   :hug:
Hi Bach - Thank you so much, and I've missed you and everyone.   :hug:

6th August 2020
I'm not sure what I'm going to write, so I'll just write and see what I write about.  Seems to free me up more if I do that, rather than think in a prescribed way about what to write.  I've noticed resistance amongst my parts, and I want to comment that the reason for this is because there's been changes - particularly that I've discovered now that I can actually listen to them, and also that they can talk for themselves!  I must admit that I'd been scared to communicate with them in the past, and it's taken me a long time to discover this.  But now that I know I can hear them and they speak for themselves - it's helping me to understand and realise a lot more things. 

I'm needing to be careful about what I share, because I realise that some parts like each other, and some don't like aspects of my personality at all.  This brings conflict sometimes, and I am getting more aware of it.

I'll try to give an example of some of the things that were happening in June - before I decided to take a break for July.  I had decided to listen to a shamanic drumming session that someone had recommended - I think it was Snowdrop - (even me writing that amuses me right now, as I 'know' it was Snowdrop, but I feel embarrassed by knowing that for some reason.  The things was that I had been cautioned about approaching something without checking that all parts were on board for something, and I think (know) - slightly less certain now of my memory - that Snowdrop had cautioned me as well - and the other person was the guy who advocates IFS (whose name has slipped out of memory now) - back again - Richard Schwartz. 

Possible TW if you don't like mentions of anger/wrath for this next paragraph ## (now I can't find the star icon on my computer - feel as if I'm getting some dissociation now - interesting...) 
I ended up listening to the shamanic drumming, and trying to process something, and it seemed to evoke the wrath and anger of a part of myself that was not on board to do this at all.  Very angry, very upset about my doing that.

Anyway, I discovered that I need to be careful in proceeding with the full cooperation and permission of my parts - and yet I also want to say to them all today - that I need to be here, and communicate and learn things in this forum, as it's been so helpful to me, and I feel like I need to be here.

Being away for a month, it was actually harder than I thought it would be - I wanted to do that for having a break - but I admit I popped back a couple of times in the month, and read things that people wrote, and then I felt like I should reply and say something, but felt I wasn't strong enough to be away from here, and that somehow I 'should' be.  I know 'should' is a trigger for many people - and I also feel that way about it - hence I wonder which part of me puts those rules in place.

I read a book in the last few weeks - I had started reading one by Jung about his autobiography, and I couldn't get very far with it in the end, but I do really like it, and hope to continue to read it, but the one that I ended up reading was by Mae West (the daughter of Rose and Fred West) - I hope to write more about that, as it really was helpful to me to read her experiences.  She wrote about her family dynamics, and so many aspects of her relationship with her parents reminded me of my own experiences.  She wrote it so well, and was open and frank about all her experiences.  I wrote some notes on the book, and I hope to quote some things that resonated with me.  I took hope from the fact that Mae has gone on to have a positive life for herself, and I wish her the best for her future life. 

I've been communicating with parts of myself at night, as I'm going off to sleep, and that's been happening most nights.  Sometimes I've woken with very dark feelings - but I've not been frightened, and I've not had any bad sleep experiences - I've not had any night terrors for a long time now, and that's a big change.

I have to go now as I hear my partner coming back - but it's been good to write this.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on August 07, 2020, 05:14:45 AM
Yes that was me! :wave:

Well done for letting the parts talk to you. I find it invaluable.

QuoteAnyway, I discovered that I need to be careful in proceeding with the full cooperation and permission of my parts - and yet I also want to say to them all today - that I need to be here, and communicate and learn things in this forum, as it's been so helpful to me, and I feel like I need to be here.

I don't know if this helps, but I find that sometimes parts want me to post things, and sometimes they don't. An example of this is that when I unburden parts, they need to be witnessed. It's usually enough for me to witness the part, but sometimes they need more. Posting on here provides that extra witnessing.

You're doing brilliantly, Hope. So glad to see you back. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 07, 2020, 10:11:37 AM
Hi Snowdrop,
I'm actually relieved you commented, as I realised I'd mentioned you, and that parts of myself were not happy I'd named you - but hearing from you has helped to reassure some parts that it was ok.  I really appreciate what you said, and I like the fact that you said that allowing the parts to talk to a person is something that you find 'invaluable' as that is such a great word to describe it - I feel like that too.  I think it's really interesting and I feel humbled that they are now talking so readily - although it has also been quite over-whelming sometimes too.

It does help very much to hear your experience - and that sometimes parts want you to post things, and sometimes they don't - that does also happen to me.  I also relate to what you said about the need to be witnessed - that each part might need that from the 'self' or from others - I think that the fact that some scenes I have flitting in my mind sometimes (often from much younger selves/parts) are continually shown to me, as that part wants to be seen/heard, and for me to understand.

Anyway Snowdrop, thank you for sharing your experiences on this journey, I value what you write, and hearing your experiences - especially on the IFS (internal family systems) (very annoying habit of mine to write out things, but I do tend to do that).

7th August 2020
Again, I'm going to just write in a free-flowing way - I have no idea what I'm going to write just now, but I think that doing it this way, it's more helpful to me to actually write.

Last night I was experiencing lots of body memories - and flashes of scenes in my mind which appeared connected to those memories, but which I find hard to capture again in the light of day.  But I feel like there's so much going on at night now - but they are things that I feel ok with - I haven't experienced night terrors for a long time now.  Just dreams and thoughts, feelings, and body memories.  Those are manageable, and I am welcoming them, as I try to listen for information and process things.

As I write this, I wonder whether I'd be best to do a dream journal, and then write about any themes that come up in that.  I don't know.  Not sure yet how I want to try to focus on those things.

I'm hoping to get to read some other people's journals, because I feel as if I've been self-focused, and I want to catch up with people here, and I realise that I feel like you're friends - I have missed people, and I admit I did pop in a couple of times (maybe a few more times than that). 

I have some angst now from a part of myself who thinks I shouldn't be writing some of these things - but I want to say to that part that I do think it's important to acknowledge my feelings and my thoughts about that.  It's not so bad to share that.  (I feel myself relaxing a bit). 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Bach on August 08, 2020, 12:40:51 AM
Hugs to you, Hope :hug:  I'm doing some really heavy work lately and haven't got much to contribute here right now, but I wanted you to know that I'm reading and that I really appreciate your sharing here in general, and your stopping by my thread in particular  :) :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 08, 2020, 10:47:57 AM
Hi Bach,
Thank you - I also appreciate you, and wish you well with the really heavy work you're doing lately.   :hug:

8th August 2020
I'm struggling with my words today - but I do want to write more - hopefully later today - if I can. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Three Roses on August 08, 2020, 02:23:20 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on August 08, 2020, 10:38:23 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on August 09, 2020, 04:32:20 AM
Sending much love Hope :hug:. I also haven't congratulated you to starting a new journal, so  :cheer: . But it's ok to go back to your old one, if you ever feel like it (I just don't want you to feel pressured).I hope I wasn't out of line saying that...
In any case, I wanted to also send a gentle hug (if it's ok) to your parts that seem hesitant or are struggling with the new journal; I wanted to say that I look up to their courage to opening up and listening to you, Hope.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 09, 2020, 12:09:07 PM
Hi Three Roses and Tee, Thank you both for the hugs  :hug: :hug:

Hi Marta,  Thank you so much  :hug:  I appreciated what you said, and thank you for it, because it was validating to hear, and I also like the gentle hug too - thank you.  I found it interesting that you said 'their courage to open up and listen' - and I think that my parts are mainly speaking, and that I (in self) am listening - but I think I'm beginning to interact with them, and tentatively ask them things, and they are listening and reacting/responding sometimes.  I really appreciated you saying what you thought about it, because it's helped me to think more about it too. 

9th August 2020
I feel like I'm doing a lot of processing this past few nights - and last night I felt like I'd done a lot of dreaming, processing, but couldn't recall much of what had happened - I was just left with quite intense feelings in the morning, but somehow I felt as if I'd achieved something during the night.  That's a strange thing - because I can't put words into 'what' I achieved - it's just a 'felt sense of achievement' somehow.

I've noticed that I've written some notes on a pad of paper, and although I can't remember how long ago I wrote them - I am going to just write them here, as I think I'll tear up the physical paper, and keep the notes in this journal:

They were:

"Re-parenting - the act of giving yourself what you didn't receive as a child.
Physically present?
Emotionally present?
Highly distracted
Chaos and co-dependence.

Anxiety manifested as... obsessive-compulsive 'achievement' behaviour.
Channeled my anxiety.  Underneath achievement behaviours is a lot of pain and unhealthy conditioning.

They were doing the best they could with their level of awareness.

Resistance - therapy.  Accepting help."

Those are my notes I wrote - I managed to get some glimmers of memory as I re-typed them here - I think I might have been reading things in this forum yesterday and jotted down some notes from things people said, but I have no idea who said what or where now.  The notes about 'resistance' were due to my watching on 'catch-up TV' the episodes of 'My Family' - and there was an episode where the couple were having therapy and the therapist was having her own issues - and she spoke quite sarcastically about the fact that most clients/patients would use up the 50 minute session with 'resistance' and then in the final minute have something important they wanted to discuss. 

This was meaningful to me, as I have had two occasions of past therapy - both were related to work, and the first time, I used the sessions to focus on work-related issues, but towards the very end I opened up slightly about my FOO issues.  Too late to be able to work on any of them, so resistance was at play throughout the whole number of sessions.  The second more recent time, I responded to the CSA question in the affirmative, but felt as if the therapist didn't really want to hear it - even though she did respond in a way that said all the 'right things'. 

Anyway, I am hoping that within this journal, I'll be able to be open with my thoughts, feelings and share things - whilst staying safe to the wishes of my various parts.

I think I wrote the notes about 'reparenting' because I have found that reading books that cover that subject have been helpful to me in terms of trying to provide some good qualities to my younger parts.  I rely on books for that, as I don't have direct experience of caring for children.

I don't know where I got the sentence 'They were doing the best they could with their level of awareness' - but I know it was something that I thought might apply to my FOO - but at the same time, I am aware that particularly my M had quite a lot of experience from her profession that should have given her a good idea of what is appropriate, and I feel she didn't pay attention to that knowledge, and didn't put those things into practice in her own mothering.  But I think that she was traumatised herself, and there was generational trauma too - that's true for both of them.

I feel different today - as if it's ok for me to write these things.  I feel like I've got a different persona - I wonder if I'm blended with a particular part right now.  Anyway, I'm glad to have written so much.  I know these notes and writings will be helpful to me in the future, when I am looking back and processing more.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 09, 2020, 12:19:57 PM
Wow, I just read that back, and a realisation came as I read the bit I put about my M.

Before I forget it, I'll write it here:
I was commented how I was thinking that my M should have known better - in terms of her professional knowledge, to parent better, but the fact is that whatever profession someone has, no matter how much knowledge or skills in that area, if they're not 'aware', and if they're dissociated etc, then they may never actually 'see' or 'process'.

I feel like there are vast chunks of my life where I've been dissociated and going along thinking I'm coping - and I have coped well with a lot of things, but at the same time, I've not been able to 'see' things clearly.

I've noticed how different parts can come and literally place filters infront of my own eyes - sometimes I've been reading something, and literally mis-read or see entirely different words on the page, depending on what state I'm in, or what part is blended with me.  I try to hold back and process things before going ahead and doing things - because I could easily make a mistake and respond to something that hasn't actually been said. 

I know I have a part of myself that also likes to 'rub things out' - and does that regularly.  Or puts things where I can't find them. 

Parts can sabotage things, if they're not on board with something - I realise that too.  Hence I need to be clear and reliable for them - as much as I can.  So they know what to expect, and they can be in agreement with things.

I have a pain in my right foot now.  This reminds me that last night I had such intense pain in the left part of my brain - that's an area that really hurts so much when I'm processing things at night.  The word 'fear' has come into my head just now.  I think that is an emotion that goes with that pain.

I feel more hopeful at the moment, and I feel like I have a better idea of where I'm going with things, and I'm so grateful to have this space in this forum to write about things, and know there are people who understand. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on August 09, 2020, 12:24:52 PM
 :hug: I don't know what to say exactly, but that I read everything and I hear you Hope. You bring hope to me that I'll be able to understand my parts eventually too and communicate with them.
Physical pain (and emotional) also always triggers me with fear. Especially physical. So you're not alone in this. Thank you for sharing :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on August 09, 2020, 01:59:11 PM
I found myself nodding along as I read your last post, Hope. I can relate to a lot of it. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on August 09, 2020, 02:00:02 PM
 :hug: I do know exactly what you mean!  I hope you have a more stress free day today with less pain and more rest.  Big hug :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Bach on August 09, 2020, 05:36:07 PM
A hug for you, Hope  :hug:  This is hard work you're doing.  I'm in similar places recently myself, and your courageous sharing fortifies me in this reality.  Much love  :hug: :grouphug: :bighug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 10, 2020, 11:43:26 AM
Hi Marta, Snowdrop, Tee and Bach,
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thank you each for what you said.  I appreciate it.

10th August 2020
I have remembered now where I wrote those notes from yesterday - they were from some online 'free samples' from online courses by Carolyn Spring - I think that Woodsgnome mentioned her somewhere, and I had had a look at her work, and having listened to the free samples, I ended up buying a couple of her courses - which I hope will be helpful - and have lifetime access to, so I am glad that I can pace myself.  I've written about them in the 'Courses' part of the forum, as well as linking to her website (incase anyone else would like to have a look) - and this month they were cheaper (as they're discounted) - I really liked how Carolyn talked - and felt some confidence about her experience from listening to her, and I felt like I might learn quite a lot by doing the courses.

So I'm hopeful for that. 

I also realise that when writing paper notes, that I should attribute where I am getting the information from, because my memory during different states of being is basically unreliable!  It was only whilst I was processing things last night - that I realised where the notes had come from. 

Last night's processing - before sleeping and during sleeping - felt as if I was getting closer to an exiled part of myself.  I don't want to explore that any more than just saying that for now, as I know I have some things I need to be in a reasonable state of awareness for this afternoon, so I'm going to stop writing now, and focus on preparing myself for those things.

Hope :-)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on August 10, 2020, 12:58:25 PM
 :hug: good luck this afternoon Hope.   :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 10, 2020, 01:43:13 PM
Thanks Tee  :hug: 
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 12, 2020, 03:09:15 PM
I am feeling quite over anxious just now - I've tried to calm myself, and it's not really worked.  I thought it might help to come here for a while.  Starting to write here - telling myself it's a safe sanctuary here.  (I feel a lump in my throat)  At the same time, I notice the little emoticons above this window - one of them is shrugging, and part of me inside laughed - so there's different parts activated.

As I sit here, I've suddenly had a realisation - because I thought of the fact that last night I ended up bingeing on ice-cream and then crisps, and I didn't feel very well by the time I went to bed. 

In the light of day today - I wondered why I'd done that, as I'd been so much better regarding food - but now I've realised!  I think it was because I watched some of the CSA course, and at the time, there had been some very strong flash-backs and thoughts, but then afterwards, it was like the parts of me that 'rub things out' got into gear, and pushed those thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind - I also remember that I had been very 'chirpy' in my attitude - as if I was coping fine - but actually - I don't think I was.

Today has been really busy - I've had to do a few things that are stressful and challenging to me, and I coped with them all - but at the same time I felt like I put on a mask of coping throughout, and now I realise it's taken its toll on me.  Now I feel anxiety rising in myself - feeling tight in my chest, and the lump in my throat.

I've remembered that doing dot-to-dots can be calming for me, but somehow I don't feel like doing those at the moment.  I feel like eating again - to numb myself and push feelings down.

I really want to watch more of the CSA course - but my partner is around today, and I don't want to cry - which could happen.  I know I need to pace this.

I am glad I came here to write just now, because I do feel like it's helped me.  I am going to have a cup of tea now.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on August 12, 2020, 03:43:33 PM
Sending a hug  :hug: for all the work you've been doing. I'm happy for you Hope that you're being more aware of your parts and flashbacks :)
Have a nice day!
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Three Roses on August 12, 2020, 03:45:20 PM
Your insights have been inspiring for me, Hope.  :hug: I'm glad you're taking things at a comfortable pace.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 13, 2020, 12:01:41 PM
Hi Marta, Thank you so much -  :hug: 

Hi Three Roses,  Thanks - I do think of you when I think about pacing things, as I remember what you said about the potential dangers of going to fast with things.  It's helpful to keep that in mind.   :hug:

13th August 2020
I am feeling quite triggered at this moment, because I have been talking to my partner about a past situation where I acted in a way that I think was extremely out of character for myself - I suspect it was during a time when another quite stronger part of me had blended with me, and was steering me into things that I wouldn't normally do.  I hadn't realised that he didn't know some of the things I'd told him, and I thought I saw him look a bit surprised/slightly shocked - but that could be because of my hypervigilance to scanning his reactions.

Anyway, I am ok.  I just feel.... I think the word might be ashamed.  I guess there's shame about some things I've done in the past. 

I feel like I need to do some 'letters to' at some point soon.  I feel like I need to get some of those thoughts and feelings out - I hope to be able to do that.  Maybe in the next few days, but I will try not to set myself any deadlines, as that will stress me out if I don't manage to do what I hope to do.

I can feel anxiety quite high up in my body. 

Whilst these emotions are there, I'm actually glad I'm feeling them. 

I feel bad for saying that - but it's true.

I'll stop now.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on August 14, 2020, 01:03:46 AM
Hope, I'm only popping in occasionally on OOTS this month. I just caught up on your new journal.

Quote from: Hope67 on August 03, 2020, 03:19:32 PM
I hope to:
* Develop and form internal attachment relationships to my young selves
* Be mindful of conflicts, ambivalence, or confusion = manifestations of struggles between parts
* Build empathy and attunement to parts
* Overcome self-alienation
* Mindfully scan my body and feeling states for the communications from my fragmented selves
* Adopt or come to love the hurt, lost and lonely parts
*Develop self-compassion and awareness
* Befriend my parts and earn their trust
* Try to develop the following qualities as antidotes to the painful experiences suffered by exiled child parts: Curiosity; Clarity; Creativity; Calm; Courage; Confidence; and Commitment.
* Aim to help my adult self to grow these 'C' qualities listed above, to help the child parts learn to turn to a 'self-led' wise adult self who can reassure their fears and loneliness.

I thought this was brilliant.

You mentioned that sometimes some of your Parts are resistant to posting here. I have a similar experience. I haven't posted on my own journal for awhile because . . . (can't write more!)

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 14, 2020, 06:48:38 PM
Hi Notalone,
Those points you highlighted were from Janina Fisher's book - I also thought what she wrote was brilliant, and that's why I put it at the start of my new journal, to remind myself, as they seem perfect goals for me.  Thank you so much for the hug, and also for sharing that you have a similar experience, in terms of having Parts that are resistant to posting - I hope that we can both get to write what we want to, and communicate what we want to, and that Parts will cope or allow it.   :hug:

14th August 2020

I just read something that Kizzie had shared with a member here, and wanted to put the link to it in my journal, as I read it, and thought it was so apt for helping me to understand my own 'voices' that I experience:
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2016/06/hearing-voices-in-dissociative-identity-disorder
It is so helpful to see what the person wrote about these things.  I don't want to lose that link, so I can read it again when I need to remind myself.

**Trigger Warning - mentioning CSA, but nothing graphic

I've also been watching more of Carolyn Spring's course on CSA, and I am finding it to be incredibly helpful to me.  She explains so many things, and I relate to what she's written - and I feel it's going to help my recovery a lot - it already is.  It's triggering, but the fact I can stop and start the course materials as and when I want to, means I can more safely pace things, and also when I dissociate - I can then try to re-focus and re-listen, and then take the information in successfully - rather than how it would be watching a course in real time - I've done that before, and found I just spent the entire time dissociated - unable to take any of it in.  So Carolyn's course - it's just what I needed, and maybe I'm at the stage/point in my life when I can finally handle processing more things relating to this.

I also like her tone of voice, and gentle considered and measured flow of her words.   

I also want to comment on the fact that I saw my therapist when out a couple of days ago - by therapist, I mean the person I saw for a few sessions a few years back now - and she greeted me, and we both commented on how well we were each looking!  It took me aback to have seen her, and made me wonder whether I would be able to go back to see her again at some point in the future.  But at the same time, I thought that there are so many things I've learned since when I saw her - through my own investigating and that I'm feeling as if I am doing ok at the moment, with the support of this forum, and the resources (books, training course online) etc. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 15, 2020, 03:16:27 PM
15th August 2020
Today I noticed an angry part has been with me for much of the day, and this was difficult as I was trying to concentrate on reading something that I want to focus on, but the angry part was often distracting my train of thought, and I felt many very physical and visceral reactions in my body - but what was good was that I got over the initial fear of that part, and managed to speak to her - telling her that I could hear she was angry, but also telling her how old I am (my Self), and that I wanted to read some things that I need to focus on, and I also told her that I'm 'safe now' - although I appreciated what she's done for me in the past, and I felt as if she responded to me, by relaxing in my body, and I asked her what she'd like to do - an image of riding her bike came as an option, so she agreed to do that, and I managed to read my book and concentrated much better.

I know the anger from that part is here because I've been doing CSA training, and would normally have avoided/distracted myself.  Hence I know that parts are highly activated at the moment, and knowing this, it is helping me to cope with the various feelings, thoughts and reactions I've been having.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 16, 2020, 06:35:54 PM
16th August 2020
I feel like I've gone a bit over-board, as I've ended up buying more courses by Carolyn Spring, but it's a sale this month, and I am so convinced that her courses are what I need at the moment, and so I've ended up spending money - but I have been frugal on myself in other respects, and also this is for me recovery - and I don't have a therapist, so I feel like I'm investing in my recovery with a set of courses that will be beneficial.

I have been getting more body memories though - real pain in my stomach area.  I've also started having different content in my dreams - last night I dreamed about a long standing friend, who I realise wasn't really so much of a friend afterall - but somehow I had believed that she was my friend, only to discover maybe she wasn't so friendly. 

I'm beginning to re-evaluate my relationships (past), and regarding my FOO - I am shocked by things.  I can't write about it just yet, but I am really beginning to feel the reality of things that happened, and it really hurts a lot.

I also snapped at my partner just now, as he arrived home just as I was about to use my card to purchase some courses, and I was dissociating and unable to do what I needed to do, to make the transaction - he left me alone, and that's ok.  I think he understands.

I must pace things, because I am in some ways thinking that time is running out, but it's not - time is there, and I can do this.

My stomach really hurts at the moment.  But it's ok.  I'm ok.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on August 16, 2020, 08:49:10 PM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 17, 2020, 02:16:54 PM
pain can be torturous to experience and move through.  love and hugs, hope, as you keep moving forward with all this. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 18, 2020, 08:20:21 AM
Thank you Blueberry and SanMagic

:hug: :hug: to both of you.

18th August 2020
I've been through quite a lot of EF's, mushed into a longer EF, but I think I'm emerging out of it.  I'm taking a break from doing any of the training course today, and hoping to do some other things that need doing.  I keep having anxiety though about things that I normally would cope with ok, so I'm still tipping into EF's - or maybe blended with a very anxious part of myself.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 18, 2020, 03:27:08 PM
I am managing to get through the day, but it's been difficult.  I've been acting out some of the wishes of some of my parts, and that's been challenging, especially as I ended up in an E-mail discussion with someone that ended up with me thinking that the other person would think I am very peculiar indeed.  But I did apologise for my behaviour, and I hope that when they see me - that they'll be understanding.  But there is the dilemma for me - do I open up more to explain things, or keep things to myself.   I know I will vary on this, depending on which part of myself turns up at the time.

I'm feeling over-whelmed, I think that's the best description at the moment.  I feel like I'm being flooded with different thoughts, feelings and emotions, and I've been doing more research online into things that I have been recalling, and trying to make sense of linking pieces of information. 

I think I need to ground myself, and calm my system, because all parts seem quite activated at present.  Both protector parts and some exiled parts too. 

But I have been talking to my partner about how I've been feeling, and things I've been thinking, and I've been trying to minimise the impact of all this on him, because I know he would worry about me if he thought I wasn't coping.  I am coping.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on August 18, 2020, 04:37:51 PM
 :hug: sending you strength and love Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Bach on August 18, 2020, 05:06:25 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on August 19, 2020, 01:25:38 AM
Quote from: Hope67 on August 18, 2020, 03:27:08 PM
. . . because all parts seem quite activated at present.  Both protector parts and some exiled parts too. 

That has been true for me the last couple of days too. It makes me feel like my body is full of electricity and that my head is spinning.  It's difficult.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 19, 2020, 06:29:47 PM
Dear Marta, Bach and Notalone - thank you all  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Notalone - I relate to what you're saying about feeling as if your body is full of electricity and your head is spinning, and I agree it is difficult.  I notice a definite feeling of 'electricity' in my body, particularly at nighttimes - and I find that my fingers and toes tingle.  It's like my body is preparing to run away/fight at that time, and all the blood goes to my organs.  But I don't know if that's what's happening, and whether that feels similar to you, or different.  But your description of 'electricity' was meaningful to me.  Thank you for sharing it.  I'm sorry that you're experiencing that though.  Sending you a hug  :hug:

19th August 2020
I've finished the CSA course - it was 6 hours of material, but it took me a few days to get through it, because I paced myself.  I will return to read more, and listen again, it was very useful for me.  It was also difficult.  But what I've noticed is that I've awoken a different part of myself who is more meticulous and organised, and is making me feel like I should be tidying up more, and doing more things.  That's quite interesting in itself, but I've allowed her to help me along with a few things, and I've achieved more things. 

I've also been seeing lots of things, via flashbacks, and putting more pieces together.  Whilst I'm writing this now, I have absolutely no emotions - but this has not been the case whilst reading and listening to the course material - there were some major feeling of emotions, and I was distraught for some of the time, and I was also getting in touch with a lot of angry feelings.  But right now, I have no emotions whatsoever - nothing feels emotive or emotional at all.  I am numb as I write this.

What I do want to say is how hopeful hearing Carolyn Spring's work has been - she has given me hope that I will recover and be able to move forward with my life.  I think she talks of tending the garden of life, and I like that saying - I wonder if Woodsgnome has said something like that somewhere too.  Or maybe I'm thinking of 'The Secret Garden' - I don't know. 

I'm keen to do the course about relational attachments next, as I feel that will be helpful to me.  So that's what I'm going to do, but I'll wait a day or two - because the fact I'm so devoid of emotion right now, makes me think that I'm defending myself, and therefore I need to re-connect to things.

I do feel like I'm very far away. 

I also think that I feel as if I should have realised so many things, there were so many messages from different parts of me over the years - they were trying to show me things at so many junctures, and I just didn't understand and couldn't process what they were telling me.  I feel like I need to apologise to them for missing the point so many times, and not being able to see things.  I know I'm using the word 'should' and really I think - whose rule is that.

I find it disconcerting that when I move my eyes from side to side, which I do sometimes to try to ground myself, that I can see floaters in my eyes - I hope that I'm ok.  I also remember seeing floaters in my eyes when I was a child as well.  I wonder why that was.

I feel the need to write 'letters to' - but so far I've not managed to write any for a long time.  I hope to do so, and hopefully soon.  I would like to express some things.

I feel a little less far away at this moment, that's better.  I'm glad. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on August 19, 2020, 08:33:46 PM
QuoteI find it disconcerting that when I move my eyes from side to side, which I do sometimes to try to ground myself, that I can see floaters in my eyes - I hope that I'm ok.  I also remember seeing floaters in my eyes when I was a child as well.  I wonder why that was.

I once heard someone who works in the field of vision improvement say that in his experience, there's a connection between vision and trauma. He said he's found that people with vision problems have usually experienced some sort of trauma, and he's known their vision to improve as they've healed from that trauma.

Sending you a big hug. :bighug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on August 20, 2020, 01:40:06 AM
Hope, thank you for your words and the hug.

Quote from: Hope67 on August 19, 2020, 06:29:47 PM
What I do want to say is how hopeful hearing Carolyn Spring's work has been - she has given me hope that I will recover and be able to move forward with my life.

:cheer: for hope.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 20, 2020, 03:39:07 PM
Hi Snowdrop - thanks for sharing what the person said about vision and trauma.  That is really interesting to hear.  I also appreciate the big hug, thank you!    :hug:

Hi Notalone - Thank you.   :hug:

20th August 2020
I feel as if a more competent and grown-up part of myself has been with me through today - which was helpful as I had some challenging things I needed to do, and I was aware that I must 'look different' when I'm in that persona, because the reactions of people I had seen today made me think that they were surprised at how I was - and this reminded me of how people had reacted to me in the past, when they had noticed this more competent part of myself.  It's interesting.

I think I 'look different' and that it surprises people - they think they know me well, and yet somehow I look different to them - and they're not sure what it is about me that is different, but they usually give me compliments.  Like telling me my hair looks nice, or something like that.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on August 20, 2020, 08:57:14 PM
Sending you a hug Hope for a great day :hug: and for all the work you've been doing with yourself :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 21, 2020, 02:45:54 PM
Hi Marta,
Thank you so much  :hug:

21st August 2020
I've been finding today far more difficult, in so many ways.  Last night I felt like I blended with an extremely anxious part of myself, and therefore much of the night was spent partially awake, and worrying about world events, daily worries, and all the things I've been processing lately.  So a real mixture of things, but it felt very angsty and I felt low when I woke up. 

I felt as if I was a different blended persona in the morning - unknown age - but the feeling was 'can't be bothered' and I felt pains in my shoulder and back.   I was amazed at the difference with the persona of yesterday - where I had felt competent, and as if there was a teenager or early 20's age of person with me - who had enjoyed choosing clothes to wear, and make-up too, and paid attention to hair.  None of that today at all.  No make-up worn, and chose more drab clothes to wear. 

I think last night I felt more of the reality of life, rather than the foggy dreamlike quality that life can sometimes take on, and I didn't like it.  It made me feel scared and anxious.

I have great urges to binge on food today, but I'm trying not to do that, and my partner is here, so this does stop me from reaching for food. 

I've started the course by Carolyn Spring about Relational stuff, and it's all about attachment theory, and I am finding it helpful, and it is making me think about my attachments throughout life, and I've been processing some of that.  It's helpful.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 21, 2020, 06:17:54 PM
I've ended up having a bit of a melt-down infront of my partner - because there was something that I had felt upset about, and ended up talking it through with him, but ended up in floods of tears.  I was able to explain that I've been upset by doing quite a bit of work on myself - the courses that I've been doing on CSA and relational (attachment) stuff. 

I feel quite exhausted now.  But having shed lots of tears, having talked to him, and finding that he is supportive, non-judgemental and there for me, it means a lot. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Bach on August 21, 2020, 07:04:44 PM
Oh, Hope, well done on talking things through with your partner.  It's so hard to open up that way, even with someone you trust.  How wonderful that he responded so well! :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on August 21, 2020, 07:31:27 PM
Quote from: Bach on August 21, 2020, 07:04:44 PM
Oh, Hope, well done on talking things through with your partner.  It's so hard to open up that way, even with someone you trust.  How wonderful that he responded so well! :hug:

:yeahthat:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 22, 2020, 02:44:27 PM
Hi Bach and Blueberry - thank you both so much  :hug: :hug:

22nd August 2020
It's been more of a roller-coaster emotionally today - it seems I had a lot of things I wanted to say today, and indeed I did say them, again to my partner, and it's been very emotional.  But it's been cathartic too, and I feel so much better for getting everything I needed to say out.  Even though the result is I've got a headache, I look terrible (very red swollen eyes) and I feel dehydrated.  I feel exhausted.

But my partner is off work now, and we agreed that we'll do some things together next week, and that we'll enjoy time and take things easy.  So I feel like I'm going to be on holiday, and that's a nice feeling.  We might do some day trips as well. 

I also agreed to take a break from my courses, and allow myself to settle emotionally.  Then start again once our holiday is over.  I feel ok about that as a plan.  I need to get something non trauma related to read - so think I will have a look at what books I have, and whether there's something I'd like to re-read, or maybe buy something new to read.  Maybe get a magazine or two.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on August 22, 2020, 09:30:12 PM
Sounds like you've been working really hard on your healing and doing real concrete steps forward too like talking to your partner and releasing emotions :cheer:  :hug: Good for you on taking a break in the coming week. I hope you can enjoy your time and that you find a good book to read or re-read as well.  :hug: :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 23, 2020, 05:26:40 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I am glad I'm taking a break this week, and I'm going to have a proper holiday now, as my partner has booked us into a B&B for a couple of days!  It's a long time since we've had a break.

I was reading something you'd said about catering to your adult and child parts, and I think I'll bear that in mind for my holiday - in terms of trying to ensure we do things that are meaningful to my different parts - and maybe I'll take a couple of books along so that I can read an adult one, but also a child one too.  Just need to choose some now.

:hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on August 23, 2020, 06:05:11 PM
Sending you much love Hope  :hug: Hope it works for you and your healing during this break. :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 29, 2020, 06:13:57 PM
Hi Marta, Thank you so much  :hug:

29th August 2020
I found my break to be beneficial.  It was a mixture of things, some things were relaxing and enjoyable, and some were a bit stressful.  But overall the break was beneficial as I feel better for it.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 29, 2020, 07:05:28 PM
letting those emotions out certainly can be exhausting, hope.  i know that one!  here's  :applause: for you for being brave enough to do it anyway.  love and hugs, my dear.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on August 30, 2020, 10:05:34 PM
Hope, I'm glad that overall your break was helpful. You deserve rest and refreshment.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 31, 2020, 11:38:13 AM
Hi SanMagic, Yes, it was very exhausting, I hadn't realised quite how much, but being away on a holiday has shown me that.  Thank you so much for the love and hugs, and sending them also to you  :hug:

Hi Notalone, Thank you  :hug:  I did get some rest and also some refreshment.  Those are good feelings.

31st August 2020
I want to get into my courses again (the ones by Carolyn Spring) but I'm holding back till I have some time that is my own - because I know that it will bring up things, and that will be tiring.  But I really want to do more of the courses. 

I've noticed that when I've been saying things to others in this forum, that my inner critic has a go at me, so I am aware that there is a part of myself who is finding it annoying that I try to communicate to others about my feelings and my thoughts.  But I think that this place is a safe place to do that, and that people do understand, hence I am going to try to continue to communicate.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on August 31, 2020, 01:34:28 PM
QuoteBut I think that this place is a safe place to do that, and that people do understand, hence I am going to try to continue to communicate.

This place feels safe and understanding to me too. I always value the things you say. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 31, 2020, 01:39:36 PM
I was watching a soap opera today - it's an Australian drama called 'The Heights' and it has different relationship issues in it, and covers quite a bit of stuff about teenagers too - and I ended up crying today whilst watching it, because they were addressing sexual stuff between 16 year olds, and I found the support of the adults talking to the youngsters, and contrasted this with my own experience in my teens, and the lack of boundaried sensible information, the lack of understanding, and many other blurred boundaries too.  It made me cry to think of the difference.  It's like I'm beginning to feel the lack of support and understanding.  Like my younger parts are realising what they missed.

I also want to mention an experience I had whilst on holiday - during the night, I realise that my partner ended up talking to part of myself (i.e. I was blended with a part, and I remember part of the interaction, but not all of it) and that part was distraught to realise how old I actually am.  It was like she had awoken and realised she'd missed a few decades of her life!  Really upsetting.  I remember the feelings, and my partner told me that I'd ended up bursting into tears - but I don't remember doing that. 

I've also remembered when I was a child - possibly about 8 to 11 years of age - not sure how old, but I remember the day I split into at least 4 parts - I gave them 4 different names, and they became imaginary friends of mine - but held different parts of my personality within each of them.  I remember the names, and I remember what they were like.  Someone posted about their imaginary friends somewhere, and this evoked my own memories of that. 

I also had a very different dream last week, which was so different from previous ones - it was like I was a special guest of honour at a meal, in an Italian restaurant, and they had prepared lovely food for me, and they had also allowed me to choose nice clothes to wear, and I actually felt like I deserved to wear them, and I felt good in them.  This contrasts to how I generally feel - i.e. I don't feel good in clothes, and I tend to dress in quite demure and drab ways most of the time. 

I was surprised by that dream - the feelings were nice ones though.

Glad to be able to write these things today.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on August 31, 2020, 01:40:44 PM
Hi Snowdrop,
I just saw what you wrote, and thank you - I also value things you say too - I'm glad it also feels like a safe and understanding place for you too.  I value this place and everyone in it, very much.   :hug:
Hope :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on September 01, 2020, 01:39:55 AM
 :hug: you've been doing so much work lately with your parts. I wanted to acknowledge that. And I'm happy that you felt some comfort in realizing what some of your parts missed from their experience with adults. I feel like films and series are a way to communicate with our parts and let them feel the abandonment and neglect that they got. I know my parts are always glad when they can express their sadness or anger through characters on screen.
Sending you support to continue on your journey :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 01, 2020, 07:31:31 PM
Hi Marta,
Thank you so much for what you said.  I found it very helpful that you mentioned films and series as a way to communicate with our parts - I feel that very strongly - that happens when I watch things, and I find that my parts tune into the physical environment - like the wall-paper, furniture, colours, and then very intent observation of the people - it is like they take it all in, at different levels.  Yet it only happens sometimes, and with some films/series - there are others where I find it almost impossible to follow the course of what is happening, as I get a fragmented and disjointed experience - but I think it's due to dissociating at certain times. 

1st September 2020
I've been focused back on Carolyn Spring's courses - and doing one about attachment, which I have found very helpful.  I don't want to say more about it yet, as I don't feel I can talk about it much - but I do feel like I'm processing and understanding things better, as a result of being able to play and re-play her information - and she explains things really well. 

I relate to so many things that she says, and it makes sense.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 03, 2020, 03:08:57 PM
hey, hope,

i've often watched tv/movies and have been moved to tears for various reasons, including what you mentioned - seeing the lack of nurturing, etc. in relationships.  even simple kindness.  i've found it cathartic to get those tears out - they seem to be part of a grieving process i hadn't tapped into yet, along with realizations and the reality of my own experience in similar situations.  i use those sources often to help me identify what could've been compared to what was, and how much i've missed during my lifetime.  it's become a good resource for me.

keep going, hope.  you'll get there.  you continue to show your strength, determination, and perseverance in working thru your traumas, and i think you're doing a great job.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 05, 2020, 09:30:04 AM
Hi SanMagic,
I relate to a lot of what you said, and thank you for saying it  :hug:  I appreciate your continued care and validation and support - sending you love and hugs too  :hug:

5th September 2020
I have been trying to motivate myself today to do some things, and am gradually managing to do a few things, so that's a good start.
I found some notes I've written, and I want to tear them up, but keep a record of them - so just copying them here:

Notes I made (which I think was whilst I was watching some of Carolyn Spring's courses), but could also be from various u-tube things I watch sometimes - so not sure what the sources of my notes are actually from - I should be better with my note-taking, but it is as it is.

Notes I've written down on paper:
Re-parenting - the act of giving yourself what you didn't receive as a child.
Physically present?
Emotionally present?
Highly distracted
Chaos and co-dependence.

Anxiety manifested as... obsessive-compulsive 'achievement' behaviour.
Channeled my anxiety
Underneath achievement behaviours is a lot of pain and unhealthy conditioning.

They were doing the best thing they could with their level of awareness.

Resistance - therapy - accepting help.

Childhood trauma - inflammatory markers.  Sensitized inflammatory pathways. Interleukin?  reactive protein C

Disorganised attachment - multiple models of attachment figure and myself
Mother - multiple people.  Links.  Multiple models of self and others.
Consistent, attuned, available = ideals
Mentalising
'Reflective function'

During sleep that we process trauma
Psychoeducation - beneficial.

Lack of consistent, attuned caregiver - Inconsistent emotional validation - shadow of powerlessness - learned helplessness submission - betrayal.

Finkelhor and Anna Salter's work.  Hastings, 1997.

Triggers are therapeutic guides.

Feelings - neutral - neither good nor bad.
Sensations - thoughts - impulse - probably feeling ...?

****

Ok, so the above doesn't seem to make much sense, written in that way, but they are key points I made at the time whilst watching some of the information, and I am finding it satisfying to tear up the written notes, and keep them here in this journal.  It feels safer for it to be here - because for some reason I have been considering what would happen to my notes if I died - who would find them, what sense they'd make of them etc. I'm not planning to die, it's just a case of the uncertainty of life, and wondering that some point it will happen.

This contrasts so much with my previous defence against the thought of death, it was like it never entered my head that it would happen.  But I guess that the pandemic has made the certainty of life (if there was any) far less certain.

I also want to note that last night I was aware of a more paranoid part of myself - which I am grateful that my partner didn't engage with, as that part did talk to him briefly in the night - but thankfully I don't think my partner engaged or took much notice, as he was tired and trying to sleep at the time.  But I know that I'd made a link in my mind with some more paranoid kind of thoughts - which in the light of day, I know are not true, there is no evidence for them. 

I also noticed this morning, whilst I was getting dressed, that my body looked incredibly large - and I felt very small, so I think I was still in an EF

I also experienced a longer EF whilst out in a social situation yesterday, and I found that people's faces looked really intense and there was incredible detail in them, and I also felt like I'd seen the people before - some of which I had seen before, but it was as if I was viewing them in a different dimension - weird to experience it - took me back to times when I was a child and viewed people's faces for the first time, and saw incredible detail in them.  Hypervigilance I guess.

I know that I was finding it difficult to contain my thoughts and feelings whilst talking to someone yesterday - it was a stressful situation, and I felt uncomfortable. 

The other thing that is making me feel quite uncomfortable at the moment is the tendency for one of my partner's relatives to talk 'about me' to him and probably others in a way that suggests she thinks I have a terrible upbringing - even though I've not told her details of how I was 'brought up'.  She's been saying things like 'how terrible'.  I feel like my voice is being taken from me in that way, and I'm not sure how to handle it, as she doesn't say it infront of me - only behind my back.  I feel like my control on my past is being taken away from me by someone who doesn't understand - and it's hard to cope with.

I'm also facing some dilemmas at the moment on how to progress with something I started last year, and which has now faced a few obstacles that mean I am thinking of dropping out - and whether that's a good decision or not, and whether I should try to assert myself with the organisers of the thing I'm thinking of dropping out of.  I feel like I've not been very assertive at all, so they won't know how I feel about the situation, and I'm trying to plan how best to sort things out.

But at least I'm considering options, and that feels positive in many ways. 

Glad to have written more today - I felt like I wanted to write - and I'm glad I have.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 05, 2020, 12:15:23 PM
I have been looking at the course by Carolyn Spring about Trauma and the Body - Somatisation and Dissociation - it is very powerful in terms of evoking lots of memories and flashbacks for me, so I've been finding that my body is reacting to that.  So I'm taking a break, and having a warm bath and going to go to sleep this afternoon - that's my self-care to myself, because I feel like I need to do that. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on September 05, 2020, 02:51:36 PM
I want to shout a big "yea!" to you for the positive things you are doing.  :applause:
***
Quote from: Hope67 on September 05, 2020, 12:15:23 PM
So I'm taking a break, and having a warm bath and going to go to sleep this afternoon - that's my self-care to myself, because I feel like I need to do that. 

***
Quote from: Hope67 on September 05, 2020, 09:30:04 AM
. . . I am finding it satisfying to tear up the written notes, and keep them here in this journal.  It feels safer for it to be here - . . .

***
Quote from: Hope67 on September 05, 2020, 09:30:04 AM
But at least I'm considering options, and that feels positive in many ways. 

Glad to have written more today - I felt like I wanted to write - and I'm glad I have.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also have concern about people reading my journals when I die. Friends have instructions to burn them, but they are scattered throughout my room and in boxes in the basement. I have had it in my mind for some time to collect all journals, notes, etc, and put those in a box with a note on top, to be destroyed upon my death. The thought of collecting the journals and finding a place for the box is overwhelming.

Quote from: Hope67 on September 05, 2020, 09:30:04 AM
Re-parenting - the act of giving yourself what you didn't receive as a child.

My therapist has told me that we want to give Little what she didn't receive growing up. I remind myself of that often. Sometimes it means allowing myself to lay on my bed and not work on my "to do" list. Sometimes when it feels like the abuse just happened, it can mean bringing physical comfort; for example, an ice pack.

Sending lots of care for you, Hope.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2020, 08:15:38 AM
Dear Notalone,
Thank you so much.  I read what you wrote yesterday, and it was very comforting to see your validations of things I'd said.  Thank you also for sharing your thoughts on what you'd like to do with your journals in the event of your death, as that is helpful also to me, I could think of something similar - but I also acknowledge how such thinking would be quite overwhelming too.   :hug: to you Notalone. 

Notalone, I also appreciate the last paragraph you shared, about what you and your therapist talked about relating to giving 'little' what she didn't receive growing up, and I am also going to remind myself of that too - as it's helpful.  Thank you.   :hug:

***********
6th September 2020
I feel quite refreshed today, and as if my mind is clearer.  I feel more hopeful today.  This is a good feeling, and I want to hold onto it.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2020, 08:37:04 AM
Just want to write myself a note here about my relationship with food - because something Blueberry said in her journal has caused my parts to consider this more.  Blueberry mentioned sugar and cheese, and thinking about what effects eating different things have, and I realise already I can't construct this sentence meaningfully - it's like it's going to 'jelly' - but at least I have the note, so I can return to it, and maybe write more at some point.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2020, 09:02:56 AM
Realisation:  I was writing in another part of the forum - in the section about 'The Secret Garden' - I found myself writing about how much I appreciate the Secret Garden and then how embarrassed I was that I was trying to list everyone here in the forum who I find helpful and how I think of this place sometimes as being like a secret garden that is safe and secure.  I was embarrassed as I felt blended with a younger part, but what happened after, when I re-read what I wrote, was that part of me felt grief stricken, and distraught, and my throat constricted.  Tears came to my eyes, and I feel upset.

What I realise is that this relates a lot to my past, when I was constantly being moved around from school to school, and how I'd have made friends, and they had been meaningful, but then another change would happen, and I'd feel like those friendships were ripped away from me.  I wasn't allowed to keep contact with them, and I had to make new friendships.  It happened many times, and I feel grief for losing those friendships.  I realise this is something that really upsets a younger part of me. 

I wanted to write it here today, while I realise it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2020, 06:25:37 PM
I am feeling more hopeful right at this moment, and I am pleased that I've been getting more in touch with my feelings - because I didn't tend to do that before so much.  I was numb or dissociated from them in many ways, but lately - over the past few months really, I've been feeling things more, and making realisations, and it's something that I think is helpful in my recovery process. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 07, 2020, 02:43:42 PM
i think it would be awful to continually be moved around as a kid.  i had a friend who moved a lot for her job, said her kids were 'resilient' when i asked how difficult it was for her kids to be uprooted, new schools, having to make new friends, etc.  she seemed very nonchalant about it, while, at the time, i was really concerned for her kids.  what you wrote validates my concern.

i think, as i continue on this forum, that losses and grieving are two of the major issues we've had to stuff and stuff and stuff throughout our lives.  we've lost moments of joy thru abuse, times of comfort from neglect, and, as you're pointing out, hope, physical and personal losses as well - friends, homes, relationships.  the gardens i worked on every year at my old house came to mind just now.  truly a great loss for me that i had never grieved.  just tucked it away w/ everything else.

wow - your insights brought up a lot for me, so thanks for sharing.  under that grief must be all sorts of pain and hurt that i haven't gotten to yet.  eventually i will . . .  eventually you will, too.

keep taking care of you, dear hope.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 07, 2020, 07:53:26 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you  :hug:  It's nice to hear your concern for the kids of your friend, because maybe she's defending against realising the impact on them, by her nonchalance.  But it could be difficult for her kids. 

I've only recently been realising the emotional impact of my moves on myself, I was dissociated from it previously - which I realise was protective at the time, but those emotions are surfacing now, and I am beginning to process things. 

Thanks for the love and hugs, and sending them also to you  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on September 07, 2020, 10:42:19 PM
I feel like what San spoke of really hit me in the heart; so much loss that we've all had to push down and down to just get on to the next day. I'm just realizing now. Sending you much love Hope, and a gentle hug to all your parts for the work you've been doing.  :hug:
I've also moved a lot (although between different countries) and I know that I used to fantasize having a childhood friend, someone who knew me from the beginning (that I'd see in movies and hear other kids talk about). I'm sorry you had to move that much Hope, and the weight that it had on you. Sending you love  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on September 07, 2020, 10:50:15 PM
Hope, I have been reading your Journal the last little while but when I think I'll post a response, the wherewithal seems to disappear. Well, I'm managing now a little even if I'm not making much sense. It looks as if you're making progress atm and I admire you for being able to sit with and feel your feelings atm. I'm running away from them.

Btw I think it's awful that you weren't allowed to keep in contact with friends you moved away from. Having to move to new schools, especially in years when nobody else is doing so is bad enough. But then not being allowed to continue friendships :'(   It strikes me as cruel. I changed schools fairly frequently and moved about a bit. But I was allowed and even encouraged to write letters to my friends from some previous schools.

Sending you  :hug: :hug:

san, my parents found reasons (e.g. our increased resiliency) to validate our moving around and changing schools at odd times, i.e.. I didn't change schools when everybody else did: Year 7 and Year 10, and I didn't even start Year 1 when everybody else did, but 4 months' late. Academically that was fine actually because I had been in a school in a different country but it certainly was not the best socially. I'd always accepted moving around and so on as just the way it was, but there have been Ts of mine who have questioned my parents' decisions. Of me being uprooted at 13 yo and 15 yo. Of more attention being paid to not uprooting B1 at bad times. I think he'd disagree though, I don't think he liked being uprooted at all.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on September 08, 2020, 11:59:05 AM
I can imagine that moving around so much must have been very destabilising. I know that when my childhood best friend moved away when I was about 6, I felt bereft. It would have felt so much worse if I'd been the one to move away, particularly if I wasn't allowed to maintain the friendships I'd made. I can understand your younger part feeling upset. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 09, 2020, 06:17:28 PM
Hi Marta, Blueberry and Snowdrop,
I read what you each said yesterday, and it was emotional for me to hear your kindness and validation, and I really felt like younger parts of me felt understood and validated too.

I want to re-read what you wrote, but I can't do so right now, as I'm trying to ensure I cope with a few things I need to do this evening, and I feel sure if I start re-reading things right now, that I might get emotional.

But when I have opportunity, I will re-read, and in the meantime, thank you.   :grouphug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 10, 2020, 08:18:11 AM
10th September 2020
This morning I am feeling as if I have various protectors with me, possibly blended with me to some degree - or at least that's how it feels.  It's like they are trying to protect me, but I am trying to negotiate with them to give me space, as I want my 'self' to be in control right now, and not have a filter on my eyes/senses.

Anyway, I have some paper notes that I've made, and I am going to copy them here, and then tear up the paper - again they are from the Carolyn Spring courses that I'm doing, and I can tell when looking at the notes now, that I've not really made sense of everything, I've just written the odd word here and there, but at least they will remind me of the course, and I have the courses so I can re-watch.

I'm currently nearly finishing the one on Somatization and Dissociation.  It is useful for me.

My notes:
Communicating internally.  Face dissociated trauma.  Feelings.  Emotions were unbearable.  Aim/goal: Integrating what has been dissociated.
Alexithymia.
Helpful/required: Supportive relationship to express emotions.
DID - it didn't happen to me.
DID = dissociative identity disorder.
Peter Levine - PTSD - not discharged the freeze response.
Physiologically habituated to switching straight to a freeze response (a dissociative response).  Freezing is a survival response.
Vagus nerve.  Unmyelinated.  Digestion and heart-rate (drops)  Pain response - numbed.  Freeze state: hibernation.  Flood of endogenous opioids.  Freeze is to the body what dissociation is to the mind.
Recovery is 'shaking out' the trauma.
Breathing re-regulates the autonomic nervous system and stimulates the vagus nerve.
"Trauma & The Body" by Pat Ogden = useful book.
www.headspace.com = suggested useful app to use
Trauma narrative - give a new ending.
Powerlessness.  Learned helplessness.
Explicit narrative memory
Full of holes.
Body, Mind, Different parts - memories.
Hippocampus - explicit memory
Amygdala - implicit memory
Notice triggers - footprints of implicit memory.
Window of tolerance - both think and feel at the same time = aim.

***********
So how am I feeling today?
I feel annoyed, I think I look fat and bloated.  I feel big.  I think I should try to lose weight.  I've been comfort eating. 
I felt triggered by my partner's feet being close to me, and I nudged them away.
My inner voices were saying things like 'Get away from me!'
I am due to meet someone later today, and I feel like I don't want to see them.  I want to cancel the arrangement.  I feel like I will be judged by that person and I feel like I won't cope.  But none of that might happen, but I suspect that it will be difficult, and I'd rather not do it.
However, I will make myself go, and I will make myself hopefully cope.

I think that I feel angry. But I'm not really sure if I do feel angry.  Maybe it's a frustrated feeling.  I am not sure.

***Potential TW mentioning CSA related things, but nothing graphic

I've been experiencing more flash-backs lately, and realising that huge chunks of memory are missing at certain points, and often related to sexual encounters (as an adult) and also situations (as a child), and I've also been thinking more of my reactions to various triggers, and this has been upsetting me. 

End of TW warning...

My partner is getting concerned that he thinks I'm spending too long on my recovery work, and he doesn't like the impact it has on me.  But I tell him I need to do this, as it's important to me.  He does understand, but I think he finds the impact on my mood and emotions to be challenging.  He'd like me to be happy. 

Body memories - there have been quite a few of these - and they often relate to pain in my stomach area.  I don't really know what to do with this realisation. 

I bought a few of Carolyn Spring's courses, and I realise I've left the one about Shame till last - which makes me think that's the area I'm most dreading 'facing'.  I keep getting quite a few thoughts and feelings relating to shame - without even looking at the course yet, and it's as if my mind is apprehensive already that it's going to be a key thing - and it scares me, but I do want to face those areas.

Now my mind has gone blank, so I think I've probably written sufficient for now.  I am going to try to ask the protector parts to stand back and give my self some space today, because I would like to be able to cope with the meeting I have later, without so many defences being present - it should be something that's enjoyable, and not challenging, and I hope that I can experience it as that, by the time comes.  I hope my apprehension and fears will go away...

(I'm noticing that my language seems quite stilted as I write this - that's how it feels to me - even noticing that is annoying to a part of me)

There was also a depressed part of me that woke this morning, and made me feel as if 'what's the point' kind of feeling to the start of the day.  I didn't like that feeling.

I am glad I've managed to write these things today. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on September 10, 2020, 11:25:20 AM
I've just skimmed your post rather than read (self-protection after my T session). I note that there's lots going on with you atm and especially that you don't feel as if you want to meet the person you had arranged to meet up with today. So I'm sending you some supportive  :hug: :hug: to help you get through that situation using whatever solution you decide on.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 15, 2020, 01:42:54 PM
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for the supportive hugs  :hug: 

***********
15th September 2020
I have had a difficult few days, but I'm ok.  My emotions had become overwhelming and I'd ended up comfort eating a lot to numb them.  That made me feel bad about myself, and I felt like I was getting into a vicious cycle.  But I think I'm getting out of it again - I've been focusing on CSA and reading information about it which has been helpful. 

I've just noticed a page of notes beside me, so I'll copy them and then tear up the paper:

I think these are from Carolyn Spring's course - possibly the one about Trauma and the body, and then the notes are moving onto the course Trauma and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID):

Movement is the antidote to freeze.
Exercise helps our hippocampus.
Re-growth - Exercise, Novelty, SSRIs.
Healing comes through getting back in touch with our bodies.
Dissociation and DID The Fundamentals.  Dissociation is a normal, natural, automatic response to trauma.

*******
I've been reading the book by Carolyn Ainscough & Kay Toon which is a Workbook called "Breaking Free Workbook: Practical Help for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse"

As is typical for me, I'm reading it through quite quickly, without pausing too long to actually 'do' any of the exercises, but I've noticed that I'm able to focus better, and feel like I've been far more present throughout the reading - whilst also experiencing flashbacks of memory and recalling things.  But what I feel is very positive, is the fact that I am managing to read and comprehend what is written, and that it is much more meaningful and makes sense to me.  I think maybe I'm finally at a point where I can really make some progress in processing things.  I think it helped that I had already done Carolyn Spring's course on CSA, because that had paved the way for me to read this workbook now.

I do intend to 'do' some of the exercises suggested in the book - but I want to read through the entire thing before I go back and do them.  So I'm noting my intent to do that.  I hope I manage to do it.

***Trigger Warning - mentioning CSA

What was incredibly powerful was thinking of the size of myself as a child, in relation to my abuser, and then thinking about my size in relation to them in the here and now, and realising there are differences - I am no longer a vulnerable child, I am an adult.  Somehow this didn't really dawn on me till doing this exercise/considering it in my mind.  It was helpful.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2020, 10:54:41 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 18, 2020, 12:29:25 PM
Dear SanMagic, thank you so much  :hug:

**********
18th September 2020
I finished reading the CSA workbook, and now I feel like I could perhaps begin to do some of the exercises in that book - but first I want to find a notebook where I will feel safe and secure to write things down. 

Even as I consider that, I realise that maybe my tendency not to 'do' exercises in books is because there are parts of me that are resistant to doing those exercises, and that it's a fear of what I might write, or how I might end up feeling.  But at least I'm acknowledging those fears, and I hope to overcome them, and do some exercises.

Regarding sleep, I found a couple of nights ago that I felt very raw and as if life really felt harsh and devoid of comfort, and I wondered if that's how it feels when the warm blanket of dissociation is lifted.  I thought - do I want to feel like that?  I don't like it.

I've also noticed that when I am watching programmes on TV, that I am feeling more deeply into the emotions portrayed - and tears are flowing easily.  But I'm not fighting it - I'm letting them flow, and then when the programme is finished, I am usually ok - it doesn't linger beyond the programme.

I was comfort eating a lot this past few days, and seeking sweet and comforting things.  I was interested by some things that Blueberry wrote in her Journal, about sugar and comfort and I wondered more about the underlying meaning or function of that - but I've not really come to any conclusions - except that my M used sweet and sugary things as treats/rewards when I was a child, and so maybe I still consider them that way.  (Interesting that as I write that, another part says 'She used them to control you!')

**TW - mentioning coercive behaviour and CSA
I also just got a memory that my F used sweet treats too - as part of his grooming behaviour - I've not really seen that before, but reading about CSA and how abusers often groom the person they are abusing, made me think of ways that he did that.

End of TW***

I didn't expect to write about this just now, but I actually feel angry right now.

Realisation: I've noticed that when I'm coming into contact with other people, that I am feeling a sense of derealisation about the situation - it's like I'm an observer rather than a participant in any interaction, and yet I know that I do interact with them, and very often they seem to value the things I say, and they open up to me and talk to me about things in their life.  I try to reciprocate, but I am always quite careful about what I share.    I'd like to be more open about my thoughts and my feelings, but I am scared to do that.  Yet other people seem to be able to do that - and I wonder whether they are guarded about things too, or whether they just share most things...

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 20, 2020, 11:50:17 AM
Quote from: Sceal on September 19, 2020, 08:45:47 AM
Just wanted to pop by and send you some warm and happy thoughts.

Sceal wrote this in my other Journal, so I'm pasting it here in this newer Journal, so I can treasure those warm and happy thoughts.  I read your message yesterday Sceal, and it helped my day to be warmer and happier - so thank you.

**********
20th September 2020
I am experiencing some warmer and happier thoughts today, as well as yesterday.  Somehow I feel that part of me has been reassured by something, and I'm not sure exactly how that happened, but it's like a part has settled and feels a bit safer somehow.  So I'm celebrating that fact, and enjoying the feeling I've had since that realisation.  I hope it stays with me for a while. 

I recognise that I was in some EF's in the previous few days, and I didn't like how I was feeling for large chunks of time, but thankfully I seem to be through that now, and I do feel more settled, and calmer, and also happier.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 22, 2020, 06:25:09 PM
22nd September 2020
Something has triggered me, and I don't know what it is.  I thought it might help to come here and write some things down.  I'm taking some deep breaths just now, and trying to centre myself.  Just typing this is helping.  Knowing that I'm here in this forum, that also helps.  I know it's a safe place. 

Just looking at the little emoticons jumping about above this writing box, that also helps.  But seeing the long hugging icon  :grouphug: that one brings a lot of emotion to my mind - I feel upset inside.  I feel like I want to cry now.  My throat makes me swallow.

As I try to think about what triggered me, I realise that all thoughts seem to drift away, like they won't allow me to see what it was.  Thinking about that now, I feel tightness in my stomach. 

The emotion I was feeling just now, the thought that I wanted and felt like crying, it's gone away now.

I remember now that I'd been reading some posts here in the forum - and someone had mentioned that they have found out how to receive notifications here - and I think I felt ashamed that I don't have the first idea how to do that.  Then I feel some shame that maybe I've missed things that people might have said.  It makes me then think of the numerous times that I feel like I can't do things. 

That upsets me.  I feel like I was quite competent at so many things in previous decades of my life, but somehow since I stopped my working career, I feel as if I can't do so many things. 

It's like I'm in a waiting room, waiting to be allowed to do things.  Yet I do have choices, and I could do things.  But yet I feel as if I can't. 

I dreamed last night that my M had dementia.  That was upsetting.  I am estranged from her, and have been for quite some time now, and yet I still worry about her.  She entered my dream in that way. 

I worry about what might happen if the phone rings and it's one of my parents.  What would I do?  I don't know.

I wonder why I don't change my phone number - but I think that part of me doesn't want to do that.  I realise there are conflicted parts of me, they think different things.

I feel like I'd like to start processing more of my feelings, and writing more about them - I wonder if poetry or some way of doing that might help me.  I can express things that way.  Sometimes I am shocked by the intensity of my feelings if I try to write them in poems.  Or maybe writing a 'letter to' - yet I've not managed to do that for ages now.  But then, I've not really tried.  What is holding me back?

I see a theme that I tend to read a lot, and intellectualise a lot, and then don't feel as if I'm 'doing' any exercises to process things.

As I write that, another part of me says 'But you ARE processing more, and you are FEELING more' - so I know I am - but I also feel critical of myself.

I felt guilty today about the things I've eaten.  I am comfort eating more.  I don't want to do that, but it's hard not to.

I feel stressed by what's happening in the world - the news, stuff like that, and I also feel stressed that I feel I'm waiting sometimes, rather than living my life.

I am living my life though. 

I enjoyed that feeling of safety I felt in my last entry here - it lasted a while, and it felt really nice.  So I hope to re-gain that.

I do feel better for writing this.  I'm glad I came here and got these thoughts and feelings out.  I feel better for writing.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on September 22, 2020, 08:13:05 PM
Hi Hope,
I've haven't read your whole post but the bit about 'notifications' caught my eye. If it makes you feel any better (which it might not if your feelings are there on account of an EF), when I read about the notifications, I didn't even have a clue what the mbr was talking about, never mind how to set it up ;)   I think it's a tool you can use if you don't come on the forum very often, so you get notified about a response. I don't need anything like that myself. I'm either on here or not.

I'm glad you feel better now for having written.  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 23, 2020, 10:03:01 AM
Hi Blueberry,
Thanks so much for what you wrote, because I'm not going to worry about the notifications thing now - I realise I was in an EF yesterday.  I am glad that I was able to come here to write though, as it really did help me to feel calmer, so it helped.

I feel quite a bit better today. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Three Roses on September 23, 2020, 03:51:12 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 23, 2020, 06:26:41 PM
i noticed alexithymia on your list, hope.  you know i suffer from that as well, and can totally relate to wondering if a certain emotion is going on, do i feel angry?  i think i should feel angry but i don't, not really.  still, the disturbance is there, inside us, so we know something isn't quite right, and it can get overwhelmingly disturbing because we can't feel the actual emotion!

yep, i've eaten, drank, smoked thru all those disturbances.  just trying to numb them, or calm myself down, or even something i can't really explain.  somatization - definitely!  my body is full of pain (firbromyalgia) from holding onto the hurt and pain i never felt.  i don't even know where my fear has been kept, but i do know i rarely felt it in real life.  it's only been maybe the past 3 years i've even been beginning to be able to feel the emotion, sometimes days or weeks later (if ever)  that everyone else would be able to label and feel nearly immediately!

so, thanks for sharing.  it's nice to know someone can share that part that can be so annoying, irritating, frustrating, angering - whatever it might be that i'm not sure of.  love and hugs, hope. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on September 24, 2020, 12:38:54 AM
I'm glad you're feeling better, Hope. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 28, 2020, 06:59:01 PM
Hi Three Roses - thank you for the hug  :hug:
Hi SanMagic - I appreciate what you said and I appreciate your sharing your experience - it makes me feel less alone with my own experiences.  Thank you also for the love and hugs, they mean a lot  :hug:
Hi Snowdrop - thank you  :hug:

*********
28th September 2020
I have had quite an emotional few days, as I was reading a book by Cathy Glass called 'Damaged' and it was incredibly emotional and the content was very pertinent and raw.  The book is part of a trilogy of books (all within a hard-back book that I bought) and so there are 2 more books about fostered children that I can read.  But I need a break before reading another one - as 'Damaged' resonated so much and caused me to cry quite a few tears. 

I think it was therapeutic to read it, and somehow it's helped me to process some things more.  Cathy Glass fosters children, and she spoke about the different care workers involved with her fostered child, and how a Social worker hadn't been particularly helpful or even very professional, almost as if she was burned out - and it made me wonder about the Social worker who came to visit me and my family - and how she overlooked my needs, and saved my elder sister.  I feel guilty for even saying that - because it looks like I'm being selfish for considering my own needs, but I do think that nobody thought about my needs.  They seemed to think about themselves, and expected me to keep their secrets, and look after their needs.

I've had some body memories surfacing more lately - I am not sure what those mean, but they are tending to focus in my stomach area.  Not all the time, but now and again, and painful when they happen. 

My throat is another area where I feel constricted.  My left side of my head has been hurting too - but I think it was due to my tearfulness.

I also watched a film about the life of Judy Garland, and it had me in lots of tears - it was very upsetting to part of me.  Renee Zellweger played the part of Judy, and she was very convincing in the part (I thought).  I found it really upsetting.

My partner thought that my being upset on the weekend was due to that film, but I did tell him that I'd also been reading the book 'Damaged' and had found it very upsetting as well - so it was likely to be the combination of the two things.

Today I've been sorting through some papers and tidying and cleaning things - and I found a lot of notes I'd written about my family of origin (FOO) and I thought to myself, 'Is there really any point to doing more digging on this?' because I thought that I essentially know that my FOO are dysfunctional, and so I can't find more stuff out - as I can't speak to anyone about it - I've tried to contact my cousins but never get any reply from them.  So noone says anything.  It's like I'm alone with that.  I guess I wanted to hear other perspectives on things, from someone else - to see what they could share, but I don't think anyone can tell me anything.  I know things weren't right.  I know I've been affected big time by everything. 

But I am a survivor of all those things, and I am functioning and have been functioning so much better than I would have imagined that I could have done.  So that is good.  I have come out of things, and I am ok.

What I wanted to say today - here in my journal, is that I think expressing so much emotion (crying my tears) has been helpful to me.  I feel better for doing that.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on September 29, 2020, 10:28:09 AM
29th September 2020
I am relieved that I've got rid of the headache - it felt a bit like a migraine really, but I wasn't sure if that was what it was or not.  It was on the left-hand side of my head.  But today it is gone, so that's good.

My plan is to be kind to myself today - not put pressure on myself to do any particular thing.  Although I do have things I want to achieve today - so I guess I have structure, which is a good thing too.  But I can choose how much, and what I do, so I can put some things in the day that will be kindnesses to myself, and I hope to do that.

I was having quite realistic dreams last night, but I can't remember the content of them.  I just know they were quite strong ones.

I'm starting Carolyn Spring's course about 'Shame' at the moment, and already I think it's going to be very useful for me.  But I need to pace it, because I don't want to over-whelm myself.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on September 29, 2020, 12:02:10 PM
QuoteBut I am a survivor of all those things, and I am functioning and have been functioning so much better than I would have imagined that I could have done.  So that is good.  I have come out of things, and I am ok.

Yes!  :yes: You are. All of these things come across in what you write.

I'm glad your headache/migraine has gone. Having a day of self-kindness sounds wonderful. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on September 30, 2020, 02:02:42 AM
Quote from: Hope67 on September 29, 2020, 10:28:09 AM
My plan is to be kind to myself today - not put pressure on myself to do any particular thing.  Although I do have things I want to achieve today - so I guess I have structure, which is a good thing too.  But I can choose how much, and what I do, so I can put some things in the day that will be kindnesses to myself, and I hope to do that.

Yea!  :cheer:

Quote from: Hope67 on September 28, 2020, 06:59:01 PM
- and it made me wonder about the Social worker who came to visit me and my family - and how she overlooked my needs, and saved my elder sister.  I feel guilty for even saying that - because it looks like I'm being selfish for considering my own needs, but I do think that nobody thought about my needs.  They seemed to think about themselves, and expected me to keep their secrets, and look after their needs.

It is okay for you to consider your needs. It isn't selfish. And ADULTS should have been attuned to you and cared for your needs.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on September 30, 2020, 04:45:03 AM
 :hug: thanks for your courage it's important to take time for yourself and give yourself permission to relax. Big hug. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 30, 2020, 10:00:47 PM
hey, hope,

i think there's a difference between being selfish and being self-ish.  the second one is healthy, as in looking at your self, caring about your self, and knowing what your self needs.  may i encourage you to continue being self-ish - i believe it's the most positive way to self health.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 02, 2020, 11:55:18 AM
Hi Snowdrop, Notalone, Tee and SanMagic,
Thank you all for what you said, it means a lot.  I appreciate you all  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

************
2nd October 2020
I have been beginning to notice more when I'm in an EF, and also when I'm switching between different parts of myself, and I am also managing to get my rational brain online more - and indeed, I've found that I need to do this more lately, as I've been experiencing more triggers.  There are issues going on with people I know which are quite triggering, and I'm trying therefore to cope and handle more stress as a result of those things.  Thankfully my partner is a real support and we're discussing things together regularly, and sharing our thoughts and feelings about things.  So that's been really helpful too.

Often, I've been relating to the thought of being in a waiting room of some kind, awaiting something - but interesting that now I'm beginning to tell parts of myself that we don't need to wait in that waiting room anymore, but that we can take tentative steps outside to look around, and that's ok. 

I also feel on the verge of allowing myself to do some creative things.  But I've not ventured to do that yet.  But I am thinking about it. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 05, 2020, 03:24:25 PM
so glad you're sharing with your partner on a regular basis, hope, and that it's working out to your benefit!  i think it's wonderful for the both of you.

the waiting room scenario is interesting, especially in how it's changing.  keep up the good work, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on October 05, 2020, 05:50:43 PM
 :hug: :hug: to you Hope.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 06, 2020, 03:28:32 PM
Hi SanMagic,  Yes, it's good to have my partner to share things with, and it really does help us both to do that.  Thank you for the love and hugs  :hug:  The waiting room scenario is definitely a theme, and it is changing.

Hi Blueberry,  Thank you so much   :hug: :hug:

**********
6th October 2020
I feel like things are going on in a way that feels quite clunky, and I am feeling like a deer who is just stumbling along and trying to find her feet - and stumbling and falling sometimes - that's how it feels this last few days.  I feel a great sense of vulnerability, but also some strength and determination as well - so it is definitely some contrasting feelings. 

I've been taking steps which involve making some appointments and dealing with some things that I'd previously been putting off.  My brain keeps coming across situations where I freeze and can't find my words, but thankfully I'm managing to negotiate my way through these things, and I've been coping.

I'm still reading the Cathy Glass book - the second one now - and finding it very helpful, as my inner children definitely pay attention to things in the book, and therefore we all glean something from it.  I might put a few quotes from the book in this journal at some point, but so far I'm purely reading it.

I keep thinking that I should start a written journal where I can write things by hand - because that might enable different parts of me to express themselves, but I am finding that there are parts of me that are resistant to that idea, and don't allow me to actually act on the thought.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on October 07, 2020, 01:31:54 AM
Quote from: Hope67 on October 06, 2020, 03:28:32 PM
I keep thinking that I should start a written journal where I can write things by hand - because that might enable different parts of me to express themselves, but I am finding that there are parts of me that are resistant to that idea, and don't allow me to actually act on the thought.

I find a written journal very helpful. I have some Parts who process a great deal by writing and some by sketching in the journal. My five year old Part decorates my journal with stickers. I hear that some parts of you are resistant to a journal. Do those parts know why or what they are afraid of?
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 08, 2020, 09:15:07 AM
Hi Notalone,
That is really helpful, thank you.  When you mentioned that your five year old part decorates your journal with stickers, it reminded me of a time when a part of myself decorated a work diary that I had, and the effect stood-out a lot.  I think at that time, I wasn't as in control of my parts - i.e. I was more blended with one at the time, for that to have happened.  Anyway, it's an amusing memory for me now, when I think back on it.  Not upsetting at all.

I find your question 'Do those parts know why or what they are afraid of? to be helpful, and I'm going to try to look into that with my parts.  Thank you for sharing your experience and also that question.  :hug:

***********
8th October 2020
That stumbling tentative feeling has changed today - I feel stronger in my ability to move forward, but at the same time, when I was reading a few things people had written (here in the forum) I felt some anxiety because I realise I've not kept up with attending some of the virtual conferences that there have been - even though I had ear-marked them to attend.  I didn't attend.  I feel like time is slipping away too quickly, and there's insufficient time...  The free Trauma and Attachment conference was one I wanted to attend, but somehow I've not managed to see any of the talks - why is this?  Is it resistance from my parts again.

I've also halted my attendance in Carolyn Spring's 'Shame Course' - because I think I can't process so much currently. 

I realise now - I've been doing quite a few things this week - attending to appointments, which have been stressful in themselves, as they involve interacting with people I don't know.  I've also been trying to sort out some things that have meant complaining online, and that has it's own issues - so I've been negotiating my way through those. 

I've also been trying to tidy up things at home, and get organised more.  I am making some progress with this.

I can see as I write these things that I'm doing ok - in that I am making some progress, but I feel like I've then neglected some other things, and that brings up feelings of stress.  But I am unable to handle everything, I am human.  I am not perfect, even though I hold elements of perfectionism, that aren't healthy to hold.  So I need to let those go, and be the human that I am.

At nighttime, I've been noticing when I switch to different parts, and noticing when more anxious parts come into my body - and I've been able to soothe those parts.  This feels so much better than how things used to be - when the dread would envelop me, and I might have night terrors.  I haven't had any night terrors for a long time now.  I am relieved about that.

I think I lost time a couple of times - in that I literally couldn't recall what I'd done, and where I'd put something that I had clearly remembered seeing and touching previously - I want to just mention that here, as it spooked me out a bit.  This happened in the daytime.  It was disorientating to experience it.  I don't know what triggered it.

I have to go now.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on October 09, 2020, 06:22:38 PM
 :hug:

To me, it sounds like you are doing a lot. Interacting with people can be very tiring.

I'm always amazed and impressed with you and the seminars that you attend. At this point in my journey, I fear I would be too easily triggered, and up to now I have not viewed any of those. I know that you desired and intended to attend some of the seminars, but as you said, there are limits to how much you can process.

Yea, that you are able to soothe some of your Parts. That is great and big progress.

I hear that it was scary and disorienting to loose time.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 10, 2020, 03:18:54 PM
Hi Notalone,
Thank you so much for all you said here, and for your validation, it means a lot.  Thanks also for the hugs  :hug: :hug:

***********
10th October 2020
Last night I didn't sleep so well - I found it was harder to soothe myself, because I felt a part of myself to be present which held a lot of angst and grief, and didn't want to be pacified.  So I had to just wait it out, till eventually I was able to sleep.

My partner had also told me that earlier in the week that I'd been talking in my sleep again, and had sounded frightened, although he said that it didn't last very long at all, and I had appeared to calm fairly quickly. 

I do remember having an experience where I felt as if I held my stomach, and it somehow felt as if it was 'baggy' - and somehow I thought that maybe I'd given birth to a baby, and it was what was left.  But I've never been pregnant in my life, and never given birth.  Also, my stomach isn't really baggy - but I wonder if it was me experiencing something depersonalising - i.e. 'little me' experiencing my bigger body, rather than anything else.  I don't know.  I wanted to note it here, to remember the experience.  Not sure what it means, or even if there's any meaning to it.  But interesting how I interpreted it and the sense I made of it.

Whilst I managed to cope with some social things this week, and some appointments, I have ended up cancelling something that I was due to do next week - because I just don't feel I can cope with it.  I E-mailed the person, and they replied by offering me other time-slots to attend, but I said I can't do it at the moment - didn't give them a reason why.  Thankfully they didn't push it after that.  But the fact is that I felt too anxious socially to cope with the idea of that thing.  I wonder if that apprehension had added to my inability to sleep so well last night.  Maybe I'll sleep better tonight, now I've cancelled it. 

Hope   :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 10, 2020, 04:30:08 PM
good for you, hope, on recognizing and acting in a self-caring way about that social anxiety.  well done! :thumbup:

i've heard that writing with the hand that is not dominant accesses child parts. another thought i had was perhaps asking one of your littles if they'd be willing to just make a mark on a piece of paper, and have crayons, markers, something with colors, available.  some parts may be too young to know how to write, but could scribble or just enjoy making colors show on the paper.  if that doesn't feel right for you or them, please ignore.

you are certainly working hard at all this, hope.  i'm glad you decided to take a break when you needed to.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on October 11, 2020, 02:35:25 PM
 :hug: hugs Hope,
I'm glad you were able to do some of the things you need to this week. October is a hard month for me if I could I would stay in bed until it was over.  It is good to be able to say no to the things that you feel are to much.  Those are good boundaries. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 11, 2020, 05:40:10 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you for mentioning the non-dominant hand writing - I've tried it before a long time ago, and didn't get very far with it, but I really want to enable my younger parts to communicate, and I'm going to try it again.  I like the idea of the crayons incase the parts are too young to write - they could just do something - whatever they wanted to.    Thanks SanMagic, and sending you a hug  :hug:

I admit there's a part of me that is apprehensive about what they might communicate.  This goes back to an experiential Art session that I did years ago, when I created a painting that shocked me.  I guess I fear doing something like that again, but it would be less upsetting, as it would be in private as opposed to in a group of people, like it was when I did that picture.  I think I was carrying shame for what I created.

Hi Tee - thank you so much, and I'm sorry that October is a hard month for you.  I hope that you will be ok for the second half of October, and that November might be a better month.  Sending you a hug  :hug:

********
11th October 2020
I struggled again to sleep last night, and this time I was with a part of myself who was definitely upset - she was feeling such a large amount of guilt - she had wanted to be there for my FOO (parents) and felt like I had failed them by not continuing to be there for them.  I felt her upset very strongly, and I felt her guilt.  But I didn't feel like it was 'me' - I felt she was a separate part of me, and I tried to tell her that it wasn't good for any of us (i.e. all my parts) to have continued to have contact with such a dysfunctional situation.  I hated feeling the guilt and the grief, it was very intense. 

I was grateful when I slept and woke to find a new morning.  I felt anxious as the day went on, as I had to visit my partner's family - and I managed to cope with that, and it wasn't too bad.  It was ok. 

I hope I sleep a bit better tonight.  I feel tired, so I think I might.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 12, 2020, 02:46:20 PM
12th October 2020
Last night, I felt like I was processing more, and getting in touch with different parts of myself.  The strange thing about it was that I felt in my mind as if my body was standing looking in one direction, and the different parts were behind me - so I couldn't see them, but they were enabling me to 'feel' things that they were feeling, and so I was experiencing what seemed to be their feelings.  I got in touch with an extremely distressed and frightened part of myself, and I told that part that I was grateful that they had shown me how distressing they felt, and I wondered if they could share what it was that had upset them and scared them, but I didn't get very far with that. 

This morning, I realised that some of those parts were still blended with me, because something very normal that my partner did, ended up sending me into distress quite quickly, and I was crying, and kept saying 'I don't know why I'm crying' - he comforted me.  I told him I'd been processing things overnight, and that I didn't think I'd unblended, hence ending up so upset.  He was understanding of that. 

As the day has gone by, I have felt a bit better and there was even a moment when I felt like my inner parts settled and felt safer for a few moments, and that felt very good.

I had things I wanted to do today, but I ended up doing different things, and I've told myself that's ok. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 12, 2020, 03:13:08 PM
I've been reading Cathy Glass's book called 'The Saddest Girl in the World' over the past few days, and I am at the point in this book where Cathy is helping her fostered girl (the sad girl) to transition to living with a permanent carer, and the care and kindness with which they handle the transition and all the changes, it is really making me realise just how callous my own FOO were - with their constant moving me around, and never explaining anything.   It really shows me how much they didn't respect my boundaries, my feelings, my thoughts, anything.

I've also remembered that I had some intense feelings of pure anger this morning - I've struggled to feel anger much - about most things, but I really felt an intensity of anger earlier today.  Really intense.

I don't feel it now, but I wanted to remember that it had happened and note it here in my Journal.

I think it was good that some emotions are surfacing, even though they feel intense, I am glad to be feeling them.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 12, 2020, 04:12:33 PM
i agree with you, hope, that it's ok to do something different than originally planned. 

also wanted to share that as i've been processing certain things, while i don't necessarily feel anger in the moment, i've had several dreams where i was really angry at someone for messing with my stuff or ignoring my boundaries.  i think that as long as those feelings emerge in some way, shape, or form, it's a good thing.  at least we're getting them out.

funny/weird, tho, that after i wake up, i can remember the dream, my reactions and emotions, and even that i felt the anger in the dream, but didn't/couldn't feel it while i was awake.  maybe it's the alexithymia thing.  don't know.  love and hugs to you, my dear. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on October 12, 2020, 06:18:56 PM
 :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on October 13, 2020, 07:15:12 AM
I see being able to feel anger as a good thing too.

I went for years without consciously feeling anger. It's only really been since I started working with parts that I've been able to acknowledge and feel it.

I recognise now that the anger was always there, but I pushed it down, probably because it didn't feel safe. I think abnormal, traumatic events being normalised had something to do with this too. At the time, I didn't realise that I had every right to feel angry.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 15, 2020, 06:37:01 PM
Hi SanMagic, Notalone and Snowdrop,
Thank you all so much for what you wrote here.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

********
15th October 2020
I've read something in another thread, which was one that Gromit had done about Obsessional fantasties, and a new member had put a link to Limerance, which I'd not heard of before, but I read the information and it was interesting.  What came up for me was that I remembered how I had become quite interested in Elvis Presley when I was a child, and liked to watch his films, and listen to his music, and how I decided that he was an elder brother, in my mind.  I was quite young at the time, I can't work out how old I was - but I know that when he died, I was thrown into a grief. 

It felt like a family member had died.

I just wanted to note this here - because it felt significant.

For some reason that feels quite difficult that I've written about that.  It leaves me feeling some disquiet within myself, as if parts of me aren't happy, but I want to leave it there, as I wanted to remember it and write about it.

I was sorting through my wardrobe today - and I can't find my M's skirt - the one that I had previously kept (for fear of getting rid of it) - but this makes me wonder - where is it?  What did I do with it, and why can't I remember what I did with it...?  But part of me is relieved that it wasn't there anymore. 

In Cathy Glass's book about the fostered children, she is speaking quite a bit about the care and attention that is given to the bedtime routine of one of her fostered children by his M, and it makes me think how lucky that child was to be cared for in that way, and I feel the contrast with my own experiences. 

I'm reading the third book now in the hardback book by Cathy Glass that contains 3 books - they are 'Damaged'; 'The Saddest Girl in the World' and 'The Silent Cry' and I'm onto the third book now.  I've found all of these books really helpful in that my inner children are reading as I do, and taking in the details and thinking back to my own childhood experiences.  Comparing and learning from the contents of the books.  I find it therapeutic - and I find that I feel many emotions as I read it.

I think it's helping me to process things.  I've paused in the courses I was doing with Carolyn (her surname escapes me right now) - I was doing one about 'Shame' but I think it was too challenging for me to keep going - I needed a pause, and so I've taken one.  I will go back to it though.  I want to finish the course and I feel sure I'll learn things, but I think I fear what I might 'feel' - and that feels tough.

I have got a headache today - so I'm going to try to have an early night tonight.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 17, 2020, 10:43:02 AM
17th October 2020
I've been having more dreams at night.  I should write them down, but I haven't, and so I've lost some of the content/themes.  But maybe I've not written about them on purpose - I don't know.

I really want to ask a couple of things in the forum, so I might do that later.  There's resistance amongst my parts about doing that, but I really feel like I want to seek others' thoughts about a couple of things, and so I will hope to write something later. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on October 17, 2020, 11:42:27 AM
You're working hard and taking many steps. I think it's no wonder there's some resistance sometimes and/or you don't do everything you intended to.  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 18, 2020, 12:51:09 PM
Thank you Blueberry  :hug: :hug:

****
18th October 2020
I managed to put a query in the part of the forum called Inner Children, and I feel glad to have done that.  It is about wondering how people are journalling to enable communications from inner children, i.e. on paper.

I'm getting towards the end of the third Cathy Glass book, and I already fear the fact it's an 'ending' - I really get triggered by endings or goodbyes, but I know that I am managing to process some of the reasons for that now, and therefore I'm not 'as bad' as I was previously regarding handling endings.

I've found it so therapeutic to read some of Cathy Glass's book each day, as I've imagined that me and my inner children are all there, and Cathy's writing includes details that really engage parts of myself who are at various different ages - and I feel their reactions as the book is read and processed, and it's been really helpful.  I've been reminded of so many things in my past life, and it's been really helpful to hear Cathy's perspective on things (she's a foster carer) and also her experience of professionals like Social workers, teachers etc.  Also she writes of the experiences of the fostered children, and the things they've experienced in their lives, and that helps all my younger parts to understand some things better.  Once I've read it all through, I might come back to bits I've underlined - I bought the book, and I've written in it - as I want to keep it and re-read some bits.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on October 19, 2020, 09:34:29 PM
 :hug: I'm glad it helps.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 22, 2020, 10:04:38 AM
Hi Tee, Thank you so much  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 24, 2020, 12:27:54 PM
24th October 2020
I've been thinking about the emotion of 'anger' as I know that Bach had put a post up asking for thoughts about it, and each time I've wanted to write something there, I've not felt able to do so.  Why has that been?  I think it's because I have such a lot I could potentially say about Anger, but don't feel I could put a reply that would be concise - and maybe that's why I've not been able to respond yet.  But, I hope to do so at some point - as I really appreciated Bach's post mentioning that emotion - and I really do want to think further about it, and contribute something too.  So writing this here to remind myself that I want to do that. 

Having just said that, I feel like I want to write a bit more in my journal - about Anger.  I do remember when I was very little, that I expressed feeling angry with my M, and she really shut me down, and made me feel like I shouldn't feel that emotion - and even more strongly, that I was 'wrong' to express it to her directly - hence I think I swallowed the emotion down afterwards, and didn't feel I could feel or express it.  But I think it went into my body - in terms of tension in my neck, my jaw, and gritting my teeth quite a bit.  I'm thankful that I don't do this anymore as an adult, but I think I did it for quite a few years whilst a child and teenager and even into my early 20's. 

I have begun to feel some anger recently - in recent months, but what I noticed early on was that there was a part of me who seemed to express the anger - she would swear and crash about physically in my mind, and respond to stuff with angry movements.  But you'd not know that if you looked at me, the person, as I wouldn't show that.  Just felt that part of me reacting.  More recently I've actually been able to 'feel the anger' more directly - as if it's within me, rather than as a part of myself. 

Also I experimented a bit the other day - just this last week - by allowing myself to shout and express my anger about something 'out loud' (as I was alone at home at the time, so had the freedom to do that) and I found it quite liberating to do that for a bit.  I also surprised myself with the level of anger that came out of myself. 

However, later in the day, I found the anger was still there, and quite strong...!

When I told my partner what I'd been doing, he looked a bit worried - as I think he was concerned about how it would be to have an angry version of me - and I told him that I didn't want to have to worry about him, as if I did so, then I would be bottling up my feelings, and repressing them again, and I said I didn't think I'd be bad with my anger - but that expressing it would be good for me.  Just as feeling my emotions is better for me than diverting or avoiding them.

See, I'm writing a lot - I feel like I can't write all of this in the post where Bach asked about Anger - I feel like I'd be monopolising the space.  I am not sure I could write it succinctly.

Something else that I've noticed this week, is that I am moving towards emotions that I find uncomfortable, and not avoiding them - and this has meant that I'm beginning to process more things - especially at night - when I feel waves of EF's surfacing, and feel the contact of different parts of myself - who hold different intensities of emotions.  I am feeling less afraid than I might have felt previously, because I am welcoming the contact and wanting to understand it - rather than try to distract or avoid it.

I have made a start with my written journal - where I am going to allow different parts of myself to write.  I had some helpful feedback from some people in the forum about how they use their journals, and one of my parts decided she wanted to write in the middle, on a 'random page' - so she did. 

Interesting that later, another part kept putting the thought in my mind that she wanted to go and 'gauge out' the pages of the book - which was quite a destructive image, and I didn't go with that suggestion, as I want my book to remain intact.  But I do think there are parts that have quite a bit of stuff they want to express, and have been putting images of things in my head recently suggesting that they'd like to express things.  I can't write the content of those things - but they are not very nice.  I'm not sure how to deal with that.  But I wanted to write it here, so I remember it.

Can't think of anything else I want to write here today, but glad to have written something.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 24, 2020, 02:15:28 PM
I've been watching the latest version of 'The Secret Garden' film, and then I was able to go to write something about 'Anger' in another thread in the forum, and ended up re-reading something I'd written in 2019 about my own anger, and now I am feeling upset inside myself.

I'm not sure what the trigger is - whether it was watching 'The Secret Garden' - which is a book and film that I relate to so much, or whether it was thinking about the emotion of anger. 

Anyway, it's good that I'm in touch with my emotions more, and feeling them more - I think that's better than dissociating and numbing.  I do think that is better to feel them, and I am definitely doing so.

I feel better already for having just written that.  Strangely I have an ache in my stomach though, feeling some pain there.    Not too bad though. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 25, 2020, 04:45:30 PM
hey, hope, i related to much of what you wrote about anger, expressing it in various ways, getting it out of you. personally, i've found it helpful when i've done that, including what you said about being loud in expressing it (in the past i would sometimes bang pots and pans together for the noise they made - very satisfying!  i think that also comes from my childhood wherein we were basically allowed to be 'seen but not heard'. always the good, quiet, little girl, but boy do i love to make noise about things now!  and it feels so much better!

i've had anger journals where i've designated them expressly for anger. they were different than therapy or recovery journals in that i used a red pen (red represented anger to me) and allowed the anger to come out any way it wanted, including terrible thoughts and words, tearing the paper with the pen because i was writing so hard, scribbles, and just aggressive marks on the page. when that notebook was filled, i walked it out of the house to the garbage bin to be picked up and taken away.

so, my thought that came to mind while i was reading how some of your parts want to be really aggressive with their anger, was - would it be possible to get anger journals for each of your parts that request or need one, and let them utilize it the best way for them to get their anger out?  that way, if one of them wants to gouge, rip and tear, they could do that without losing the rest of your thoughts, which would be in your own personal journal.   don't know if that would work for you, and if not, please ignore.

we've been taught so well, haven't we?  just goes to show how intelligent we are, to have learned those lessons so young in order to make our lives as easy as possible.  sending love and a hug filled with release. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 25, 2020, 07:23:25 PM
Hi SanMagic,  It is so lovely to see you again, and I've thought about you recently, but haven't been over to your Journal - I need to catch up on how things are with you, and I hope to do that in the next few days.  Thank you so much for what you've said here - it's really helpful - I already realise that trying to write in my written journal has brought up very strong feelings in an angry part of myself, and your solution of having a journal purely for that part to use - it makes a lot of sense, and I really think it could be helpful - thank you!

:hug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Violet Magenta on October 25, 2020, 08:08:19 PM
Hi Hope,

What you've shared about integrating your parts has been immensely helpful over the past couple of days. I've been reading journals to get familiarized here, and maybe to feel less alone in all this. I think you've helped me to better identify more layers of that struggle in my own experiences and feelings. Anger has been a particularly difficult one for me as well, and I think I've self-censored it out much of my life. It's helping to be able to find it there, and to stop it from turning inward. So, I just wanted to say hello and thank you for sharing what you've been experiencing here.  :heythere:

Viola
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Bach on October 25, 2020, 10:17:56 PM
Anger is so hard. I'm thinking of you, Hope  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 26, 2020, 07:28:53 PM
Hi Viola,  Thanks for what you said - and Welcome to the forum.  I really like your name, it's a colour I like very much.  Integrating and befriending parts has been a process that I've embraced, and whilst it's been challenging, I am glad I'm doing it, and I am getting somewhere.  You mentioned stopping your anger from turning inwards, and that's such a positive thing to be able to do.   :heythere: to you as well.

Hi Bach - Yes, anger is hard.  I agree with you.  Thank you so much for your hug, and sending one back to you as well.   :hug:

**********

TW Mentioning CSA in this entry to my journal today:

26th October 2020
I've been reading the book called "Breaking free workbook: Practical help for survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" and have read Chapters 1 and 2 today.  I have been thinking of 'The Secret Garden' as my Safe Place - and imagining people from this forum in that place, and the flowers and lovely things in the garden, and the safety of it. 

I also went through a diary that I have which has my time-line in it, and I was able to think about things on that time-line again, and I processed some emotions and feelings as I thought of different things.  I felt like there was some movement in my emotions - and that I was able to make some more sense of things, and noticed some things I'd not noticed before.

However, later in the day, when I was talking to my partner, I found that I was dissociated and in a different state of mind where I seemed to project things onto him that weren't in reality - i.e. I was feeling as if he was being critical to me, but infact he wasn't.  Then I felt like I couldn't keep hold of my emotions, and I ended up crying, as I felt very stupid and I told him that I felt like I was weird.  But I realise I was in an EF at the time, as when I came out of that - I felt completely different - and realised that a filter had been put in place at that moment that made me analyse things in a way that wasn't real. 

I'm annoyed with myself for how clumpy I find my language at the moment - it feels stilted, but I hope I can say what I want to say.

I also wrote a bit in my new diary where I want to write about feelings, and so I've made more of a start with that.  I just open it wherever I feel like writing, and just write - I do put the date next to the entry, so I know when I've written something. 

Regarding the Workbook on CSA, I am feeling scared to actually 'do' the exercises, but I do intend to try to do some of them, because I normally tend to read things, intellectualise about them, rather than 'feel' or 'do' the things.  I'm moving into a phase where I literally want to progress more with 'doing' the exercises and I want to do this.

I get pain located in my stomach area when I'm reading things about CSA.  It focuses mainly on my left-hand-side of my stomach.

That interests me, because when I feel like I'm having any memories related to very young or pre-verbal parts of myself, I get pain in my left occular area, left side of my temple and head. 

This reminds me that last night, I was dreaming more - and there were work related memories - but in a different job area than the one I actually did.  Also at one point in the night I felt as if I was having a huge burst of electricity through my brain, and I wondered if my heart rate was very high.  I also woke with my right hand completely numb at one point, and I had to bang it around and move it to get the blood flowing again - and get the feeling back into it. 

I have found that I can 'take a break' from someone on Facebook by snoozing their posts for 30 days - I didn't realise I could do that, but I've done that to my estranged Sister, because I was finding the things she was posting lately to be quite triggering - they were quite passive aggressive things, and I couldn't help feeling as if she was trying to communicate with me.  But I realise that could have been a bit paranoid on my part - but I feel better for having snoozed her posts - I'll see how I feel after 30 days, as to whether I will see them again, or re-snooze her.

There's been a part of me that becomes active at night, and is really distraught about the fact I'm not in contact with my FOO - it's like she is upset and distressed about that, but I try to pacify her that they are most likely ok, but that I can't cope with them in my life.  Actually I don't think I get through to her at all - but I do listen to her angst that she feels, and I do think that I wish it wasn't like it is, but for my sanity I need to protect myself.

Whilst I write that, I notice physical tension just under my breast bone - at the top of my stomach.  Interesting that it moves around depending on what I'm thinking.

I keep getting flash-backs to a film I watched when I was a child, which was about a person who was kept in a dark tunnel place and had been kidnapped and kept there, and fed and watered by the captors, who rarely turned on the light or talked to their victim.  This had been a frightening film to me, and I had thought that it was possible that it could happen to me - nothing like that has ever happened to me, but I think my mind likes to show that to me from time to time.  I thought by writing it here, maybe I can move that image on, and maybe it will not come so often.  I wonder why it is being shown to me lately, and whether it will change or disappear.

Chapter 3 of the Workbook is called 'Coping Strategies' so I'm looking forward to reading that - hopefully tomorrow.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 26, 2020, 10:52:16 PM
hey, hope,

so glad that my thoughts might be helpful.  let us know, ok?

i get body sensations, too, when i'm remembering or processing something from the past.  it's not a body memory, but i do have a lot of sensations in my gut, which i think has held a lot of trauma emotions for me.  for example, when i feel fear about something, my chest gets tight.  i think a lot of the alexithymia has taken its toll by storing my emotions in my body.

you are doing so much lately - reading, writing, processing, wanting to go further and 'do' rather than just think about something.  i think it's a lot.  wow! 

good for you for putting your sis on 'snooze'.  i'm sorry one of your parts is mad about it, but i congratulate you on doing what's best for you.  the idea of keeping our sanity is huge for me.  well done :thumbup:  lots of love and a hug filled with easy does it. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 28, 2020, 04:15:09 PM
Thanks so much SanMagic - I appreciate everything you said.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 28, 2020, 04:17:38 PM
I have an urge to go into everyone's journals and give them a hug - but instead of doing that, I'm going to just put a big hug here for everyone  :bighug:   :grouphug: 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on October 28, 2020, 06:15:52 PM
Hope, here's an infinite amount of support from all us :bighug: ! Thank you so much for caring about everyone, I'm very glad that I can proudly say that I know someone like you on this forum :) Honestly, I'm so thankful for everyone's support here and sharing of their journeys. It finally feels like a safe space for me (which I've never had in my life)  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on October 28, 2020, 08:57:18 PM
Thank you, Hope. Hugging you back.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 30, 2020, 07:38:20 AM
Hi Marta & Notalone,
:hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 30, 2020, 07:19:25 PM
 :bighug: back atcha, hope!
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on October 30, 2020, 10:30:00 PM
 :bighug: well here's one for you Hope!  Thanks for thinking of me.🙂. I needed the hug today. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 31, 2020, 09:15:45 AM
Hi SanMagic & Tee
:bighug:
Those big hugs are great, thank you both.   :hug: :hug:

***********
31st October 2020
Last night, whilst getting off to sleep, I was trying to communicate with my younger inner parts, and gain their trust - and I was having a conversation with one of them, and I was asking them to tell me more about what had happened.  I didn't get very far with that, as I must have fallen asleep before getting any reply about that, but what did happen in the night was that I woke at one point, and had the experience of not realising the size or maturity of my actual body - I must have thought I was a very young child again, and then I was shocked at the fact my body is that of a mature adult woman. 

I'm currently reading a self-help book called 'Breaking Free Workbook - Practical help for survivors of child sexual abuse' by Carolyn Ainscough & Kay Toon, and I'm currently on Chapter 3 'Coping Strategies'.

I just wanted to write one part here, as this is what I'm currently trying to do - they wrote "The exercises in this book ask you to take a different approach to dealing with your pain.  They ask you to write, to talk, to paint or to use other non-verbal ways of expressing yourself.  Instead of blocking or distracting from your feelings and memories they help you to experience and express them and to learn to think and feel in a new way about your past".

They go on to say "As a child you were probably unable to express your thoughts and feelings about the abuse directly because you had to keep it a secret.  This was not right and as an adult you can choose to do something different.  Writing, talking, and painting are non-harmful coping strategies that you can learn to use in your everyday life not just when you are doing these exercises.  Some people find it helps to keep a journal to note down their feelings day by day.  Survivors have also recommended dancing, singing, sculpting and listening to music as ways of getting in touch with an releasing their feelings."

____

I have started to try to 'do' some of these things - in a more focused way - and I have been looking for music on Spotify by using themes - i.e. 'happy music' or 'sad music' to see what emotions I feel when listening to those songs/music that are evocative of those emotions.  I've been allowing myself to let whatever emotion comes up, just happen. 

I'm also trying to keep in mind the needs/wants of my various inner children - who seem to be at various different ages, and trying to do something for them each day - I find if I keep their needs in mind, then I get on better than if I forget about them.  So daily attendance to their needs seems to be a good thing.

I have to go now, as my partner is wanting to talk to me.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 31, 2020, 04:16:38 PM
hey, hope,

i once heard that abused children were often told not to speak of what was going on or something terrible would happen - but, as the suggestions in your book say, there are other ways to let out the emotions, even the events themselves, without necessarily having to speak.  all those creative ways you spoke about could do the trick.  i know that writing and drawing have helped me a lot.

you're doing some wonderful work, hope.  sending love and a hug full of encouragement for this part of your journey.   :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on October 31, 2020, 06:20:38 PM
Thanks SanMagic - I appreciate your supportive words and your love and hugs  :hug:

*******

TW Mentioning CSA - in terms of an exercise I am hoping to do, but nothing explicit written about it, just the exercise itself:
I'm hoping to do an exercise from the CSA Workbook over the next few days, and I might share it in the forum, once I've done it - as I would appreciate some validation of what I write.  I hope I am brave enough to do that, as it feels daunting to do the exercise and to share it, and even writing this now - I feel bad for doing so.  But I think that's a part of me that doesn't want me to do the exercise at all.

It's this exercise:
Why I couldn't tell
Aim: To help you understand the pressures that were on you to remain silent about the abuse.

Write an account of why you were unable to tell anyone about the abuse.

It might help to first try to answer the following questions:
How old were you when the abuse first began?
Who could you have told?
How do you think other people would have reacted?
What are the reasons why you couldn't tell someone straight away?
What are the reasons why you couldn't tell when it had been happening for some time?

Why I couldn't tell...

**********

I'm hoping that writing this here, means I'll do this exercise in the coming days, and hopefully might share what I write.  If I'm brave enough, but if not, I won't.    It's ok either way - but I hope to do it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on October 31, 2020, 09:07:08 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on October 31, 2020, 06:20:38 PM
I'm hoping that writing this here, means I'll do this exercise in the coming days, and hopefully might share what I write.  If I'm brave enough, but if not, I won't.    It's ok either way - but I hope to do it.

Yes, either way is okay. Sometimes it's not the right time. Later or never is okay too.

Quote from: Hope67 on October 31, 2020, 09:15:45 AM
I'm also trying to keep in mind the needs/wants of my various inner children - who seem to be at various different ages, and trying to do something for them each day - I find if I keep their needs in mind, then I get on better than if I forget about them.  So daily attendance to their needs seems to be a good thing.
Awesome.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on October 31, 2020, 09:48:55 PM
 :hug: good luck Hope I  hope that if it's the right time you find the answers to your questions, And are able to share what you think will be helpful to you and others.  I'll be thinking of you.  Big hug! :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 31, 2020, 11:41:47 PM
hope, i think you took a big step just writing what you did.  one step at a time - you're already doing good with this.  when it's time, you'll take the next step, but each one counts on its own.  well done!   :thumbup:  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Bach on November 02, 2020, 10:26:20 PM
You give me so much to think about, Hope.  Good luck with this exercise :hug: :bighug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 08, 2020, 06:14:47 PM
Hi notalone, Tee, SanMagic and Bach - thank you all for what you wrote - I appreciate your support and your hugs  :grouphug:

********
8th November 2020
I didn't realise how difficult I would find the exercise that I was thinking about - I did write the answers down, and I remember that I was struck by how much came up for me - i.e. underneath the responses I'd written.  So much more was there - and I noticed feelings like shame and embarrassment, and so many difficult emotions.  I also found that there were parts of me that were so reluctant to allow me to share any of it, to write about it in my Journal, or indeed anywhere - I needed to just hold those feelings for a while, and carry them about.  I noticed that my dreams have become more real and I wish I'd written about them, but I didn't. 

I also found that I couldn't come here for a few days - or at least, whenever I came here, I felt unable to write anything!  It was almost as if there were parts of me that wanted me to be isolated, and not to share things. 

But I did read some things - and I remember reading an article that Kizzie shared - about someone who was 'acting out' and allowing herself to move forward with feelings and experience things - I can't remember her name, or what the name of the article was - but I really thought it was a great article.  The word Armstrong comes to mind, maybe that was her surname.  I can't remember though.  I will look back to find it sometime, but not right now - I'm just keen to write something here, as I've not been able to do that for a few days!

I had some realisations in the last week as well - I was thinking that maybe my priorities aren't for working through the CSA so much, because whatever I experienced as a child, it's happened to me, and I've moved on from it.  Yes, it impacts on me still, and I recognise the ways it impacts, but I realise that I avoid processing things related to the loss of my work - and I recognise that currently I feel a bit stuck in a limbo land where I want to start focusing on a new direction in my life - and do some different things than I've done before.  But somehow I feel as if I can attempt them, but then I sabotage my attempts to do anything about it.  Like I am 'stuck' - in a corridor of life - like a freeze state. 

But the article that I read about 'acting out' and experiencing, that seemed like it held a key.  So I will explore that more.

I'm thankful to have written something again here. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on November 08, 2020, 07:23:16 PM
That's a big exercise you were doing, wow. Huge.
I'm glad you've been able to share now. I get that too though - come on the forum and can't write at all, or am able to respond to other mbrs but can't write anything about myself. ime the time the comes when it comes. It does come!

Thank you for your hugs to the whole forum recently. Here are some for you  :hug: :hug: :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 11, 2020, 03:49:21 PM
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much for the hugs, I appreciate them very much  :hug: :hug:

**********
11th November 2020
I needed to come here just now, because I just felt a bit over-whelmed in myself and felt like if I write something down here, then maybe I'll feel a bit better.  I was thinking that I've been very hard on myself, trying to get myself to 'do various things' - and that maybe I've been over-doing it, and therefore got over-stressed.  So I am pausing and I'm going to be kind to myself.  Do something.... no - not even do anything!  Just take a few moments to pause.

I feel as if I would like to hibernate in bed, but I don't feel I can actually do that, as I need to cook food soon - I feel quite exhausted actually.  Really tired.  Maybe I'll get an early night tonight, and that will help.

I'm going to make myself a drink just now - a cup of tea, something like that.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on November 11, 2020, 07:21:15 PM
I've just been catching up with your journal, Hope, and wanted to send you a Big Hug. :bighug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on November 13, 2020, 05:10:46 PM
 :hug: hope I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed.  I hope you can take some time to just breathe and rest. Sending you a big hug of encouragement. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 13, 2020, 09:22:58 PM
glad you're recognizing your high stress levels.  i think pausing is always a good idea in such cases.  love and hugs, hope. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 14, 2020, 11:14:29 AM
Hi Snowdrop - thank you so much for the big hug, and I've missed you,  :hug:
Hi Tee - thank you so much for that big hug of encouragement  :hug:  I really appreciate it, and I have taken time to just breathe and rest. 
Hi SanMagic - Thank you, I have taken a pause, and it was beneficial.  Thank you so much for your hug  :hug:

***********
14th November 2020
Was just about to write more, but my partner wants to make me a cup of tea, so I'm going to go with that.  I'll hope to write later.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 14, 2020, 01:10:21 PM
14th November 2020
Not sure what I'm going to write, but want to write something.

I am aware that when I think of how old I was, and how old I felt, that my time-line so far hasn't been accurate, as I've actually just realised that some memories I had, when I thought I was only 5 years old, were actually when I was possibly 11 years old, and that really surprises me, as I assumed I was very young at that time.

I am however beginning to pay more attention to the ages of various children I see, either in TV programmes, or on Facebook, and I'm realising how young it is to be 11 years old, much younger than I felt/thought I was - if that makes sense.

Yet in some ways I felt like an 'older child' inside my body - even like a parentified child.  But I recognise that I was very young, and far too young to have to deal with the many different things that were in my environment at the time.

Trigger warning ** I'm mentioning events in the news, nothing graphic

Yesterday's news has triggered me a bit - it was the news that a serial killer had died, and I remember how that person being at large in the population back in the 1970's impacted people, and impacted me and my childhood and early adolescence as well.  Seemed strange that he died on Friday 13th.  I am not superstitious, but it seemed apt somehow.

End of TW, but not sure what I'm going to say next, so maybe TW for remainder of today's entry:

The irony of it for me is that whilst parents warned people to look out for danger outside the home, it was what happened inside the home that felt the most insidious to me.

Today feels tough - in terms of trying to get things done.  Because I feel as if there are parts of me that want to hold me in a frozen state, unable to progress forwards or backwards, yet there is also part of me that wants to be free and to be able to get on with things.  Battling those parts, and also wanting to distract myself. 

I am however managing to tackle things, one step at a time, and trying to be kind to myself.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: rainydiary on November 14, 2020, 05:29:30 PM
Thank you for sharing Hope.  The idea you mentioned about age really resonates with me.  In my world, I am struggling with how I am just now feeling an adult many years into adulthood.  I too had to grow up really fast.  Our brains aren't ready for that when we are young.  I find it interesting how things click as we age but it also makes me sad - why does it take so long?  I wish you well today and the coming days. 
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on November 15, 2020, 01:35:47 AM
I have a hard time with my time line too. Often when my T asks me how old I was, or how old a Little Part is, I don't have a solid answer. I think this makes sense as trauma seems to be frozen in moments. It isn't usually connected to other time events. Even in my adult life, my connection to when some event/vacation happened is connected to how old my kids were.

Quote from: Hope67 on November 14, 2020, 01:10:21 PM
I am however beginning to pay more attention to the ages of various children I see, either in TV programmes, or on Facebook, and I'm realising how young it is to be 11 years old, much younger than I felt/thought I was - if that makes sense.

I completely understand this. Some of my Parts feel like their age (7, 11, etc.) isn't that young, but when adult me sees children that age, they seem very young. I think part of the reason for this is the heavy load those Parts had to carry and really weren't allowed to be carefree children.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on November 15, 2020, 01:53:25 AM
 :hug: I'm glad your being kind to yourself and making small steps.  I'm struggling today. But every day is another one I can say I survived right.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.   :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 15, 2020, 03:01:00 PM
hang tough, hope. i, myself, hate these times when i feel stuck, especially after making some progress.

i think it makes sense that our timelines can be off.  our perceptions as children are so very different at adolescence or adulthood - even the various stages of childhood can produce different perspectives of the same event.  i hope you'll be patient with yourself as your parts sort through all this.  love and hugs to you and your parts. :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 17, 2020, 11:22:37 AM
Hi Rainydiary,
Thank you for what you said, regarding how age resonates with you.  I appreciated all you said. 

Hi Notalone,
Thank you for what you said.  I particularly related to you saying 'heavy load Parts had to carry and really weren't allowed to be carefree children' - I really relate to that.  I also relate to not knowing how old a part is - it's tough to guestimate it.  Like you said, no solid answer. 

Hi Tee - thank you so much for the hugs, and I'm sorry that you were struggling at the time you wrote that - but I hope that the next day is a better day - like you said, getting through the day is surviving, and the next day might be better.  I hope so.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
I am trying to be patient with myself, as I know there is lots going on for my parts at the moment - I have had some quite 'wild' dreams lately and feel too embarrassed to even attempt to write about them.  But I wonder if I've evoked another part of myself that was previously exiled.  Or maybe it's just stirred up by all the stuff I've been thinking about and the CSA work.  Thank you so much for the love and hugs  :grouphug:

Just wanting to send a big hug to you all  :grouphug:

**********
17th November 2020
There is a Conference going on - online - about Narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma, and I've put a link to it in the section of the forum - I watched Richard Schwartz's talk yesterday, but I already feel as if I'm going to struggle to watch many more of those - mainly as I'm trying not to over-whelm myself.

But I'll see how it goes, and how I feel.

I want to catch up with the journals of others here, but so far I've not been able to - again, not wanting to over-whelm myself, but at the same time feeling bad for not catching up - as I want to.

I've ordered some acrylic pens of various colours, so I can try to do some Art kind of therapy to express some of my feelings with colours - but I really don't know whether I'll actually do that.  I think I could use the pens to write in the book I've set aside for my parts to express their feelings, and maybe they'll choose different colours to write in.  The pens will hopefully arrive in the next day or so.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 17, 2020, 01:30:22 PM
i get the feeling bad that you can't write in others' journals right now - i've been there so many times lately.  may i encourage you, as i've been encouraged by others, to do what you can when you can.  we'll be here, we're with you, take your time.  you're going thru a lot lately, so not wanting to overwhelm yourself by what's going on w/ others is a form of self-care, to my mind.

when i have crazy dreams, i think perhaps my subconscious is working to process something unknown to me consciously. but, yeah, that dreaming stuff can get really weird!

i think getting those pens for you and your parts is wonderful!  keep taking care of you, hope.  you deserve it.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on November 17, 2020, 06:15:58 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 20, 2020, 02:23:37 PM
Hi SanMagic,
My pens have arrived, and they look like they will be really good to use.  I hope I can use them. 
Thanks for everything you wrote - I appreciate it so much  :hug:

Hi Tee,
I love that hug, thank you  :hug:

*********
20th November 2020
I've felt as if I've been wading through treacle this past few days - like I'm stuck in many ways, and unable to move forward, but I am aware that things are changing - I've been processing so many things at night in my sleep.  My dreams have been very realistic, and I've also felt as if I've been communicating more with inner parts of myself. 

I didn't feel able to write much about those experiences, but I want to acknowledge them, and tell myself that there is some movement, some progress, and it is ok. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Bach on November 20, 2020, 03:45:38 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 20, 2020, 07:02:52 PM
Hi Bach,
Thank you so much for the hug, I appreciate it very much  :hug:

**********
20th November 2020
I wanted to write a bit about the dream I had last night as it was so realistic.  It involved me being in a house and actively sorting through mountains of junk and litter and stuff.  Normally in my dreams I've been in situations where there's too little time to make a move, and I've struggled to pack and tidy up etc, and it's been an impossible feat.  This time, I was involved in the tidying up, but it seemed a bit more manageable.  I felt like I was taking a more active role in the situation too, and there was someone else there helping me, rather than me being on my own with it.  So that was a change too - for the better I thought.

I listened to a talk by Candace Plattor who is an Addictions Therapist and it was about Narcissim & Codependency, and I wrote some notes, that I want to keep here:
"Put other people's needs ahead of your own.  Narcissists needs attended to ahead of other people's.  Behavioural expectations.  Personality disorder develop from same place.  Codependent.  She is responsible for relationships.  Shame if something goes wrong.  Groomed unconsciously to be codependent.
Narcissism - child told you're so wonderful but price to pay - pressure.  Groomed to be narcissistic.  Not good enough.  Need her.
Narcissist
Codependent
People pleasing.

Raised iwth narcissistic M - charisma entitlement.  Need to be adored.  When criticised or ignored '* to pay'
Parents - self-absorbed.  Dealing with chaos.  Moved around a lot.  New kid at school.
Scars manifest in many ways.
Didn't know who I was.
Not given things emotionally to thrive.
Body imploded.
Addictive medications.
Not really 'love'
Codependents - empty inside.  Need somebody else to fill them up.  Need somebody else to adore.
To heal, what happened to us was not about us, it was them.
Journalling is helpful.

I thought that Candace Plattor's talk was helpful.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 21, 2020, 09:55:22 AM
21st November 2020
I think I ended up in an EF yesterday, or at least I felt as if my protector parts were activated and they caused me to feel quite a few uncomfortable feelings.  But I think I learned quite a lot from that experience.  I had felt very small and insignificant during the process, and felt like someone should rub out what I'd written, or edit it, and that my words/thoughts etc were no worth listening to.  So that makes me think I was in an EF with a critical protector or fire-fighter who was scared that I had accessed a vulnerable part of myself.  I don't know if that's what was going on, these are just words/thoughts that come to mind.

It impacted on me in various ways, as I ended up doing some things last night that I wouldn't have done in the light of sensible thought.  But thankfully I didn't do anything that I regret, so it was ok.  But I am mindful that maybe I could have done, and that scares me a bit.

But essentially it is ok.  I've woken today - and I'm ok.  I've been talking to my partner about things, and he talked of the fact that I can't change the past, but I can focus on the present and the future, and I found that refreshing - and hope to do that.

But I also recognise how difficult and challenging that can be, as I had previously had ruminating thoughts which were almost constant about my FOO, and although that has diminished considerably, they are still in my mind regularly - and particularly as things like Christmas advance closer, and particularly with the pandemic and all the stuff people talk about online concerning worries and concerns for safety and health.

I can't help looking at the notes I took about Narcissism and Codependency, and think that they are very difficult notes to comprehend, as basically I don't understand the concepts properly and I feel torn between all the different things said about those things. 

I think I relate more to codependency, and less to narcissim, but at the same time I do fear that part of me might be narcissistic - as I crave validation sometimes.  It's like I'm thirsty for it sometimes, and other times, I feel like I don't need it.  But I think that depends on which part of me is more dominant and affecting me more.

I think that's all I will write for now, but I am relieved that I feel more calm this morning.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on November 21, 2020, 03:09:24 PM
 :hug:I like your notes, I'm glad your dream has changed.  You help so many people here I wouldn't call you a narcissist.  I think sometimes we get caught up on labels trying to put a name to what we are or what we went through.  I think some times it can be black and white and can fall into a group very nicely that makes since for us.  We see the similarities we the causes we sees side effects so to say. We check all the boxes and can say alright I have that. But I think we all have parts that have leaned from those around us and rear the head at times to keep us safe in stressful times or or revert is back to children to what kept us safe then.  I'm not sure that makes us narcists or codependent I think that gives us c-ptsd and our brain are just that complex exhibiting different characteristics at different times to help us survive.
Just my thoughts take them for what they are worth 2 cents ;D.  Sending love support always thanks for caring.
:hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 22, 2020, 08:37:38 AM
Hi Tee,
Thank you  :hug:  It means a lot that you said what you said about labels, and the parts have learned things from those around us, and for me, that included seeing some narcissism in my FOO, and I've no doubt some parts have emulated that and picked up on it.  I agree with what you say about us having C-ptsd and the complexity of our reactions and exhibiting different characteristics at different times to help us survive.  That makes so much sense.  I think your thoughts are worth a lot, and are very valuable to me.  Way more than 2 cents, they are priceless in their value, so thank you.   :)

I have just been reading the poem you wrote, which touched me emotionally, and I felt that you described things so well.   :hug:

***********
22nd November 2020
Strangely as I sit to write something just now, I can't bring to mind anything coherent to say, so I'll leave it for now, and maybe come back again tomorrow - I have a lot I need to do today and I really hope that I can manage to get some of it done. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on November 22, 2020, 02:24:58 PM
 :hug: I'm glad that my jumbled brain was able to make a coherent thought.  And I'm glad that it helped.  I hope you are successful in your list of things to get done today. :yourock: you can do it one thing and step at a time. Sending love and motivation today. :hug: :cheer: I'll be beside you cheering you on.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on November 22, 2020, 08:23:35 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on November 21, 2020, 09:55:22 AM
. . .  but at the same time I do fear that part of me might be narcissistic - as I crave validation sometimes.  It's like I'm thirsty for it sometimes, and other times, I feel like I don't need it. 

Hope, you give a lot on OOTS. I have often felt your support and compassion. I'm not expert, but I think that someone who is narcissistic, doesn't give to others, and when he/she does, it is so that it reflects back on him. I think all people need validation to some degree. Little children need attunement and validation--lots of it---so I think that if we didn't receive that as children, we need more of it as adults. I don't see that as narcissistic.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 23, 2020, 03:59:57 PM
Hi Tee,
Thank you so much, your support meant a lot, and I was able to get through some things that I wanted to do, and knowing you were cheering me on, that meant a lot.  Thank you   :hug:

Hi Notalone,
Thank you so much for what you said, as it has been very reassuring to me to read that.  I agree with you that little children need attunement and validation, and that they need lots of it, and it's good to know it's ok to need more of it as adults, when we've not had it as children.  It makes sense.  Thank you  :hug:

**********
I was feeling very low today - but I managed to write something in the 'letters not to send' section, in a sort of poem format, and I really think it's helped to shift some of that really horrible low feeling a bit.  I feel better for getting that out.  I had a feeling of constriction in my throat but it's opened up since writing it down, and expressing it, so that's good.  Weirdly my stomach hurts now.

But I'm ok.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on November 23, 2020, 05:06:06 PM
 :hug: hope you are strong I hope you feel better.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 26, 2020, 03:58:49 PM
 :hug:  thank you Tee, I am feeling better.   :)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 26, 2020, 04:44:27 PM
hey, hope,

while i've read your entries, it seems to me that you are processing a lot of different things, using a lot of brain power/energy both consciously and subconsciously (i've heard and read that houses in our dreams are symbolic of our selves - such a shift as you had about tidying and now getting help could be very telling about you and how much movement forward you're making).  no wonder you've had body sensations, and feeling low - you're working so hard.

i'm glad writing helped clear your throat.  and, i loved your notes - especially anything about how we've been groomed to make the decisions we've made, to be codependent, all of that.  someone just wrote asking if their abuse was their fault, and i do believe what you wrote about us being groomed to take on the blame for others' actions is part of that.  this stuff is insidious!

i hope you can take a little time for yourself, to just rest, relax, be a little silly - let one of your littles play or color without rhyme or reason.  just to take a break from all this, get your own energy and strength back.  it's my hope for you, but no pressure.  love and hugs, hope :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 27, 2020, 09:44:59 AM
Hi SanMagic,
I appreciated what you wrote, and it helped me a lot - so thank you.  Your suggestion to take a break from the processing work, and get my own energy and strength back, and expecially to take time for myself to relax, be a little silly and let one of my littles play or colour without rhyme nor reason, that is very tempting to try to do.    :hug:

**********
27th November 2020
I had taken my CSA work-book back to the library a couple of days ago - even though I was only half-way through the second reading of it - but part of me had actioned the returning of the book, and I think that was what I needed to do - and when I saw what SanMagic said about possibly taking a break from the work of processing etc, I thought it was timely and validated that part's decision to return the book and take a break for a while.  So I feel I can take a break for a while and maybe explore something for the sake of it, rather than because I feel a should be doing it.

I'll see how it goes. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 27, 2020, 03:59:43 PM
 :bighug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on November 27, 2020, 06:49:58 PM
There's an advert that keeps being played on the radio at the moment for The Secret Garden. Every time I hear it, I think of you and how you're getting on.

Taking a break for a while sounds like a good idea. It's entirely possible that while you do on other things, your subconscious will process the things you've been working on recently.

I smiled when I read that you'd ordered some pens for your parts because I'd just ordered some colouring pencils for mine. I haven't started using them yet though.

Sending you much love and support, dear Hope. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on November 28, 2020, 01:23:48 AM
 :hug: it's great that you were able to listen to your parts. I hope it goes well and you are able to process since things in a little less intense and more relaxed fashion.  Sending you love and support and encouragement. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on November 30, 2020, 01:02:12 PM
Hi SanMagic, I love that big hug, thank you  :hug:

Hi Snowdrop, Yes, the Secret Garden feels comforting to me.   Thanks for your support.  I appreciate it.   :hug:  I hope your colouring pencils arrive soon.  I have got mine, but not used them yet. 

Hi Tee, Thank you for the love, support and encouragement, I really appreciate it  :hug:

*********
30th November 2020
There's quite a lot I want to say, but somehow I can't bring myself to say anything today - not sure why that is, but I'll hopefully say things at another time, when I'm able to express myself.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on November 30, 2020, 04:08:07 PM
 :hug: :hug: I'm sure you'll be able to express those things when something in you is ready to do so.  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on November 30, 2020, 05:01:27 PM
:bighug: to you Hope!
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 03, 2020, 10:14:42 AM
Hi Blueberry, Thanks, it really helped me that you said that, as I was struggling for a bit.   :hug: :hug:

Hi Marta, thank you so much  :hug:

***********
3rd December 2020
I realise that whilst I had paused from reading, that things were still being processed internally, and I realised I had extra influences around me from certain parts that maybe I'd not been aware of before, and they were quite powerful in terms of my attempting to express things, and those parts/elements being resistant to that. 

When I thought about how it felt, it was like being cast adrift in a boat, with choppy and uncertain terrain around me, and not knowing quite who was on board the boat with me, but feeling as if I had to be very careful and not upset the boat for fear of being capsized.  It literally felt precarious and uncertain.  I didn't know where I was going, or why, and it felt unsafe.

Now I can't believe I've just written that, I had no intention of writing something like that, it's just come out.  So struggling to express something and feeling I haven't got permission to do so, on one day, and today - gushing out whatever comes to my mind, and then being surprised by the nature of what I've written. 

I'm finding there are lots of triggering things going on in my environment at the moment, and I am negotiating my way through them.  I've been re-evaluating things that I'd taken for granted before, and thinking about things from a fresh perspective. 

I've been feeling things more regularly, and dissociating less - at least I think so.  It's hard to know for certain, as I think there are times when I'm not aware of what's actually happening.  I'm trying to be more in the moment, and concentrate on things.  This includes trying to watch things on TV and be present whilst those things are on, as opposed to drifting off into thinking about the past and worrying about the future.

I try to communicate with my different parts regularly - throughout the day, sometimes with greater success than at other times.  The part of me that swears and fights and wants to push things away, still expresses those things, but I never act on those thoughts, and I keep saying to that part that I appreciate the fact they tried to keep me safe in the past, but there's not the same dangers in the current time, and that I live in a place where I am relatively safe.

I've noticed a recurring theme, that I feel as if I can never speak my whole truth, that I always feel as if I have to keep things back, for fear of transgressing and doing something wrong.   But I remind myself also that I am living my life, and essentially I've only ever tried to do good things in my life.  I really have, and so to be negative and critical of myself - where does that come from?  Most likely the critical inner voice that may be from things I learned from FOO, that weren't healthy.

Having felt cast adrift on that precarious boat for the past few days, I now feel as if I'm on a place that feels a bit more solid and safer - so I do realise that today I am feeling better in myself, and that feels good.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 04, 2020, 02:44:41 PM
4th December 2020
I seem to be feeling a bit better in myself today - which is good.  I am glad to be feeling stronger inside, and as if I'm on firmer land, and no longer in a boat bobbing along unchartered waters.  It was good to write things yesterday.  I should do more of that. 

I'm beginning to realise the need to 'get things out' - to talk about things, and try to process things.  I need to do more of that.

I hope I can do that over coming weeks and months, and that over time I will continue to grow stronger inside and better able to enjoy things in life.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Jazzy on December 05, 2020, 03:26:34 AM
Hi Hope, I'm glad you're feeling more solid today, it is very difficult when you have to watch your step like that.

It is great that you have been writing more freely, and  I'm sure you will be able to 'get things out' more if you continue to work at it. It is very difficult. Like you said, it feels like you can never speak the whole truth. I wonder if this feeling is from childhood, when we were never allowed to really be ourselves, but always had to show what we were supposed to. I don't know, it all feels very overwhelming when I try to think about it.

You are so strong already, you push through so much. Sometimes I worry you work yourself too hard, but I'm sure you will continue to grow. Take care of yourself :)

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on December 05, 2020, 07:38:36 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on December 03, 2020, 10:14:42 AM
When I thought about how it felt, it was like being cast adrift in a boat, with choppy and uncertain terrain around me, and not knowing quite who was on board the boat with me, but feeling as if I had to be very careful and not upset the boat for fear of being capsized.  It literally felt precarious and uncertain.  I didn't know where I was going, or why, and it felt unsafe.

I have had the same feeling/vision, of being on a boat. I don't want to intrude on your experience, but if it would help, I'd like to offer an anchor to help steady your boat.

Quote from: Hope67 on December 03, 2020, 10:14:42 AM
This includes trying to watch things on TV and be present whilst those things are on, as opposed to drifting off into thinking about the past and worrying about the future.

I've had times when my husband comments about something on T.V. and I have no idea what he is talking about.  :Idunno:

Caring hug to you and your Parts, Hope.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on December 05, 2020, 08:34:10 PM
Sending you much love Hope, and hoping that you have restful days too  :hug: I also wanted to chime in and say that I understand your image of being on a boat with infinite sea around. :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: owl25 on December 09, 2020, 01:34:32 AM
I'm glad things feel a bit steadier and safer for you.  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Snowdrop on December 09, 2020, 02:02:01 PM
Sending you a huge hug of care, Hope.
:bighug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on December 09, 2020, 05:47:33 PM
 :hug: it's great that you're finding your next steps forward. I'm with you hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 09, 2020, 08:47:32 PM
Hi Jazzy,
I think you're right in what you say, about not being able to speak the whole truth eminating from childhood, and not being able to be ourselves, I do relate to that.  Thank you for saying that you think I'm strong already and that I push through so much.  I also appreciate your saying that you worry sometimes that I am working myself too hard - I think you might be right about that too - I value your insights.  Thank you.   :hug: 

Hi Notalone,
I never feel like you're intruding on any of my experiences, I always feel supported and comforted by things you say - and hearing that you also have had the same feeling/vision of being on a boat cast adrift, that helps me feel less alone with it.  I will however take the offer of the anchor, because that does help to steady the boat.  Thanks also for the comments about watching things on TV and not taking them in - thanks for the caring hug too - I reciprocate that   :hug:

Hi Marta,  Thank you so much, and thank you for your understanding and relation to the image of the boat and infinite sea around.  I'm hoping that I can navigate my way, and knowing that people understand and share the journey, it helps so much.   :hug:

Hi Owl,
Thank you so much for popping by and saying that.   :hug:

Hi Snowdrop,
Thank you for that lovely huge hug, I love it!    :hug:  I feel your care.    :hug:

Hi Tee,
Thank you for coming by and saying that, and for the hugs - I appreciate them, and reciprocate them.   :hug:

*********
So many lovely replies to read - and I admit I had already read many of them, but hadn't felt able to reply till today, because I felt like parts of me were holding me back from writing.  But I am glad I was able to reply today, and I feel so grateful to have such support and I feel like everyone does care, and that means a lot.   :grouphug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on December 10, 2020, 12:12:11 AM
 :hug: any time hope  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 10, 2020, 08:54:43 AM
Thank you Tee  :hug: :hug:

*******
10th December 2020

I want to write myself a few notes here to remind myself of things I'd like to write about at some point, but haven't done so yet:

I'd like to update on the content of my dreams, as they've been much more realistic and the content is subtly changing, and I feel like want to capture those changes, and will hope to add that to the Dream diary part of this forum, where I've written about other dreams - hopefully I'll be able to find that...

I'd also like to reply to a query that OceanStar had asked - somewhere else in the forum, where OceanStar asked me how I was getting on with journalling about my parts - I didn't feel able to reply to that straight away, as I wondered 'How am I doing with it?' - it's such a good question, and I really want to think about it, and give a thought-through reply.  I think the problem with being able to reply - is that different parts of me think different things about the process.  I do feel as if I am an 'individual person' but that the different parts do seem to have their own thoughts and feelings about different things, hence it's quite difficult for me to get my head around stuff sometimes.

Something that Dreamriver wrote about the invisibility of abusive situations, that really resonated with me - because I also think that people who would have 'seen' my FOO from the outside would have imagined that my childhood was most likely very good, but even as I write that, I now realise that there were people around and about in my childhood who were probably very concerned about our family life, and that is probably why my FOO left the geographical area and didn't tell anyone where they moved to.  Even that was something strange, as my parents lived separately for quite some time, and I am now wondering whether they had split up, but not told me that - only to get back together again.  This reminds me that I need to try to get some documented evidence of addresses and dates, so I can piece together things for my time-line.  I feel like a detective in that respect, but I feel like it's something I want to do.

I wanted to write those things as reminders of what I'm hoping to write about, but also giving myself permission to just do whatever I can, at the time, as I realise writing things sometimes makes me feel like I have to honour it.  Maybe I won't feel like it, and that's ok too.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on December 10, 2020, 11:48:07 AM
Hope, sending you a big warm hug :bighug:
I also found what you wrote about your parts having different views of your progress. I feel that the same way.
I wanted to add that Dreamriver's post about invisibility of abuse, I really resonated with that. I'll reply on the post itself I think.

Wish you a good day  :hug: and sending you lots of healing energy :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 11, 2020, 07:33:55 PM
Hi Marta,
Thank you so much  :hug:  I appreciated knowing that you felt the same way about parts having different views of progress.  I appreciated you sending me lots of healing energy too.   :)

***********
11th December 2020
The past couple of days, I've ended up sleeping more in the daytime, I was so tired and felt that was what I needed to do. 
So that's what I did.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: owl25 on December 11, 2020, 11:15:12 PM
I'm glad you got some rest, nicely done  :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 13, 2020, 04:46:40 PM
Thank you Owl, I am feeling more rested.   :)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on December 14, 2020, 06:32:41 PM
:bighug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 15, 2020, 04:46:49 PM
Thank you so much Marta - I appreciate that big hug very much.   :hug: :hug:

************
15th December 2020
I'm finding the things that are happening this week in my life are difficult, and I'm getting triggered far more by different things, and I think that's because I'm more in touch with my feelings and also communicating more with my different parts, and so I am more aware of the effects of things.  That's been quite challenging for me, but I'm getting by, and I'm essentially doing ok. 

I feel like I am over-whelmed by so many things that I need to do, and by my capability to do things, it's compromised and limited.  But I am still proceeding in a vaguely forward direction.

My clumpy language just now is annoying part of me, it's like she says 'Why can't you just write in a simple way'  'Be direct, say what you mean' - but I really feel like I can't do that. 

I feel like there's lots of emotions underneath.

I really feel like I need to write about things, and get them out - but I find I haven't got the opportunity to do that at the moment.  This time of year is a challenging time. 

Glad I wrote something today - just writing something here, it usually helps me, and I feel some sense of relief within. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on December 15, 2020, 05:48:58 PM
Glad my hug helped! Though I'm sorry you've been overwhelmed lately.
I wanted to add that when I read what you wrote about not being "direct" and your parts criticizing that, several of my parts were nodding their heads to me, saying that I do that too. All I want to say is that I relate to this constant pull of wanting to just write but then wasting time by not being direct (I think it's from my school days, a form of perfectionism).
Sending you love and support Hope :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 16, 2020, 10:20:27 AM
Hi Marta,
Yes, your hug definitely helped.  Thank you again  :hug:  I appreciated too that your parts nodded along in agreement that they also do something similar to what my parts did.  I agree with you about the form of perfectionism, I have that as well.   I appreciate your love and support, and I reciprocate that to you.   :hug:

************
16th December 2020
I have some things today that are triggering, in that they are social situations I need to cope with.  I'm a bit anxious, but I am going to go out and try to experience each of the things, and hope it goes ok.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 16, 2020, 08:52:48 PM
I found the events of today to be really challenging.  I feel like I got into significant over-load, and a younger part of me started to wail and cry, and this was in public - infront of a relative of my partner, and whilst she reacted to me in a caring way, I found the whole thing very difficult to cope with, and since then I've felt quite ashamed.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety inside too - and feeling as if I'm unsafe.  But I know I am safe.

I've been looking online at Structural Dissociation, as I really relate to this, and didn't realise how recently the theory of dissociation was created - I think I saw something mentioning 2006.  I guess that's quite a long time ago though - as it's 2020 now...

I want to put a link here to an article I just found online, by Janina Fisher (whose book about Fragmented Selves I have found to be really good), and her article is called:

"The Treatment of Structural Dissociation in Chronically Traumatized Patients' by Janina Fisher PhD.

The link is here:
https://janinafisher.com/pdfs/structural-dissociation.pdf

I want to keep it there, so I can find it to read when I'm in a better frame of mind.  I literally feel too panicky inside to focus my attention properly.

Somehow, the events of today - and this has also happened a couple of days ago too - but I've not felt able to write anything about that, as I feel as if my describing the two events will somehow mean people will know who I am - on reading the details here, and that feels too scary.  I don't think it's likely though, but I just feel scared about it.

Now I'm writing things here, I think I'll just allow myself to freely write, and see what I write:

I've had pains in my feet and my lower legs - these have been for the past few weeks, and I think they are emotional pains, rather than having any physical reason - but of course, I couldn't be sure of that. 

***Trigger Warnings - as I am likely to mention things that might be potentially violent/upsettting.

I've been having some flashback kind of memories of things that make me wonder whether I was held down by my feet, or held down by weight on my legs, and unable to move underneath that.  I also have a memory of a hand around my throat and my neck being hurt in some way.  I feel as if it was my F, but I can't be sure of that.  But I think it was.  But even as I say that, I think 'Maybe he was stopping me from hurting myself whilst waking from a night terror' - but I don't think that's the case, I suspect he had something to do with hurting me.  I feel bad for thinking that.  But I have been having memories of other times in my life when things he had said or done hadn't made sense, and now I realise that my parents never told me any truths, and kept things secret and lied a lot.

This hurts inside as I write that - it makes my inside of my chest hurt.  I feel tears pushing their way, but I am thankfully not crying.

I have had such an emotional day - and I had a really emotional time after the last thing I faced - that I've not talked about. 

My partner has been very supportive, and he was there today, but not at the other occasion.  He told me that he thought I was handling things really well today - until the point when I broke down and cried - and I think that had come unexpectedly for him, he'd not seen it coming.

Now my entire right arm hurts - I think I am feeling pain in lots of parts of my body. 

I'm quite scared of being out of control in the coming days, and I feel ashamed now and upset at how I ended up showing my emotions in that way, and I feel vulnerable, and I think that showing my vulnerability - it's something I try not to do.

End of TW...

Now I feel different - I feel as if the emotional parts of myself have just gone and left.  So immediate, so final.  They've just gone.  It's like they went away.  So I feel nothing just now.  But I feel better.  I didn't like that feeling of vulnerability and the upset - and now it's literally gone.  It feels like being in the stormy waters, and fearing the worst, but then being able to swim free and be safer. 

I'm actually really surprised by that.  My arm still hurts though.  So I still have pain there.  Both my arms hurt.

The way my arms hurt is as if someone is holding them. 

I've just had a flashback to when I was at University and I used to get strange bruises on my arms and my wrists - but didn't know how they got there.  I used to think that I 'bruised like a peach' - as if there didn't need to be much pressure on me, and I would bruise. 

I'm going to stop writing now.  I'm glad I came here to write, and I'll wait till tomorrow to re-read what I wrote, as I don't want to evoke the scared vulnerable parts again, as I was scared of that feeling and that reaction.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on December 16, 2020, 10:54:55 PM
 :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on December 17, 2020, 08:21:30 PM
I'm sorry you had to go through that, Hope. Breaks my heart when I read it. I hope you're feeling ok today, and as always, sending you a big safe hug for you and your parts :)
:bighug:

I wanted to add that I will also check out the structural dissociation pdf. I realize that it will help me a lot, thank you for reminding me.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 19, 2020, 11:41:11 AM
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much for those hugs  :hug: :hug:

Hi Marta,
Thank you for that safe hug and that lovely big hug, I appreciated them all  :hug: :hug:

*************
19th December 2020
I am managing to get through the different things that have been coming my way, and I am managing to cope with them so far.  I am feeling stronger in myself today, which is a good feeling, and I am recognising how different parts of myself have enabled me to cope and get through things.

I very much hope to be able to reflect on things, once I get through more of the things I need to do this coming week, and hopefully write about some of them here - to remind myself of how it was, and then I can compare with previous years - which is helpful to do in this journal.

I feel calmer today.  I am not experiencing any body pains.  I feel ok.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 19, 2020, 03:35:10 PM
i know it's been a while since i've dropped in to say hi, lend you support, just be with you as you continue to fight the beast.  you're never far from my heart, tho - i want you to know that, hope.  i just haven't had enough energy to do what i want all the time.

you have been showing so much courage in the past couple of months, speaking your truths, getting some of the crapola out.  to me, the idea of seeing our parents realistically, finding the strength to look at what they did to us and how that set us up for further abuse in our lives, are some of the most difficult realities to face. as children, being completely reliant and dependent on them, their every word, every move, every gesture (or lack of all three) is what develops our core beliefs, and we spend so much of our lives carrying those around, acting and reacting according to them.

when you wrote about your F, the pain in your neck/throat/legs - the possible connections that you've begun looking at bravely, well, all i can say is well done :thumbup: so impressive.  i once heard that when we walk thru a door of fear, what we find on the other side is our self.  it sounds like you continue to find more and more of your 'self'.  i hope you can see what i see - a true warrior who uses her vulnerability as her shield.  our vulnerability, to my mind, is one of our biggest strengths when we allow ourselves to be one with it.

personally, i was glad that you were able to cry, at least at one point.  i believe those tears hold the poison that's been fed to us, and by letting them out - even tho it feels vulnerable, weak, out of control, too sensitive, too emotional, :blahblahblah:  - we are releasing negativity, cleansing our systems.  the more hurt we've been, the more tears we'll have.  i know i've already filled buckets from my life so far.

i think you're doing great, but i also worry that you sometimes do too much.  this is a process, and i just don't want to see you not give yourself enough down time to rest and allow healing to take place.  we don't heal when we stay in the battle all the time.  healing is part of our work, too.

sending much love and hugs filled with continued courage and time to heal. :hug: :hug:

Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 21, 2020, 07:15:51 PM
Dear SanMagic,  I always appreciate things you say, and I feel your support and care and love, thank you so much and sending you hugs too  :hug: :hug:  I took on board what you said about allowing myself some down time to rest and allow healing to take place - I'm hoping to continue to consider doing that in the future, as I think you're right that I sometimes do too much.  Healing IS part of our work, too, and it's something I really would like to happen.

**********
21st December 2020

Realisation:  Something I realised is that I find it incredibly hard to 'play' or do things that are 'just for fun' as I think I never could just do that - I always felt as if I needed to prove myself in some way, in things I was doing, and as if things I was doing were never enough, or never 'right' in the eyes of my FOO.  Lots of judgements were felt.  I think this has stayed with me, and that I've not been able to relax very easily. 

I think this is why I can't allow myself to use the new acrylic pens I've bought - they are still in their container.  I somehow feel that if I use them, then somehow I should create something Artistic and 'good enough' - but the likelihood is that it would be an attempt at something, and that I don't need to produce anything from it.  Just play and enjoy using the pens.  But I can't allow myself to do that.  Why?  I fear something will happen, but I'm not sure what it will be.

Anyway, that's a realisation I wanted to mention, and write about a bit.

I'm trying to just do some 'free flowing' writing now - to see what I write about here - because if I over-think it, then I find I can't write anything at all.

There have been so many things over the weekend that I had to cope with - some social things - I managed to cope.  It was ok!  But I had been so anxious beforehand, and it took a lot of energy to cope and get through everything.  But I have coped, and I have got through it, and so I'm getting there.

Christmas has some unexpected things to contend with, but I know that's not unusual in this current situation with the pandemic.  I'm not sure what will happen, or how things will be, but I hope it will be ok, and that I'll manage to cope without my parts getting too upset. 

Strangely as I've been writing this, I can feel real tension in my stomach - I'm taking some moments to try to relax those muscles and release that tension in my body.

I have bought 2 books that Carolyn Spring wrote, and I hope to read them in the New Year.  I've got some magazines to read over Christmas, as I thought they would be easier to read and something relaxing.  I haven't read a magazine for a long time - something light and hopefully enjoyable. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on December 21, 2020, 08:27:29 PM
I found your realization very interesting, Hope and relatable. I've been having these same issues with my art.
Sending you lots of love and warm hugs  :hug: Hope you're able to relax (as much as you can) and enjoy your magazines :bighug: Sending lots of support to your parts as well :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on December 21, 2020, 11:29:31 PM
 :hug: hope I know what you mean by having to prove yourself.  I hope you can relax and find some peace this season.  Big hug :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 23, 2020, 05:55:09 PM
Thanks Marta & Tee, and sending hugs to you both  :hug: :hug:

***********
23rd December 2020

I ended up asleep this afternoon.  I felt exhausted and also felt grief inside, so sleeping was what I felt I needed to do.  Not sure how I'm feeling at the moment, but I'm glad I was able to sleep for a while.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 23, 2020, 06:04:45 PM
feeling that fear of doing something for yourself, without judging or being judged - yep, i can relate to that.  give it time, i think you'll figure it out.

i'm glad you were able to sleep when you felt tired.  well done, hope!   :thumbup:  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on December 24, 2020, 12:54:44 AM
 :hug: sleep is good.  Hugs hope! :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 27, 2020, 06:54:00 PM
Hi SanMagic & Tee,

Thank you both  :hug: :hug:

*******
27th December 2020

I'm not able to say much at the moment, but I'm hoping to write more at some point, when I am able to.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Not Alone on December 27, 2020, 10:59:22 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on December 21, 2020, 07:15:51 PM
Realisation:  Something I realised is that I find it incredibly hard to 'play' or do things that are 'just for fun' as I think I never could just do that - I always felt as if I needed to prove myself in some way, in things I was doing, and as if things I was doing were never enough, or never 'right' in the eyes of my FOO.  Lots of judgements were felt.  I think this has stayed with me, and that I've not been able to relax very easily. 

I think this is why I can't allow myself to use the new acrylic pens I've bought - they are still in their container.  I somehow feel that if I use them, then somehow I should create something Artistic and 'good enough' - but the likelihood is that it would be an attempt at something, and that I don't need to produce anything from it.  Just play and enjoy using the pens.  But I can't allow myself to do that.  Why?  I fear something will happen, but I'm not sure what it will be.

Anyway, that's a realisation I wanted to mention, and write about a bit.

Hope, I think that is a significant realization. When I read your post, I could picture you scribbling with your new pens, with no attempt to draw anything discernable. If that would be freeing for you, go for it. If it would bring more angst, don't do it.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 28, 2020, 09:49:48 AM
Hi Notalone,

Thank you so much for saying this - it has helped me a lot.  I also read what you wrote in your Journal, and I related to everything you said there about yourself and your Parts - their reluctance was something I related to.  Anyway, thank you - I think I'll try using the pens at some point, and hopefully I will be able to 'do it' in a freeing way, but I'll listen and if I feel more angst, then I can stop. Maybe later I'll try it. 

**********
28th December 2020

Not sure what I'll write just now, but thankful that I feel as if maybe I can write something today - my Parts had been reluctant and held me back from coming here much - although I did 'come here' - to read things sometimes, and didn't manage to write anything.  It was good to have this place to return to though, and it's a life-safer for me.  A sense of community that feels accepting.

I need to tell my parts this, as some of them hold me back from being free to express myself and speak about things that matter to me.

Anyway - I've been finding the past few days quite challenging in many ways.  I've had heavy emotions, and I've been in and out of various EF situations.  I've been finding the expectations and pressure of 'in-law family' to be quite heavy, and whilst on the surface it looks jolly, I have felt surface tensions and things bubbling underneath.  But thankfully the festive days have come to an end, and there's only the new year stuff to get through next.  Then I think that I might feel a bit more in control of my life again.  Or maybe not, but at least there won't be too many expectations.  I don't know.

Part of me feels annoyed that I've written that last paragraph, but I'm keeping it there, as I've not said anything bad.

My partner told me that I've been more distressed at night, and that it's taken him longer to calm me down - and I've not had any memory of that situation at all.  But he said that he will call me by my name next time, as he remembered that I would be calmer if he used my name.  So that was thoughtful that he considered that.

What I can remember of night-time currently is that I've been noticing that I shift between different parts when I dissociate and think about different things, and I feel immense pins and needles or tingling in my hands, feet and tongue when that happens.  It's quite consistent really - and I used to think of it as being a 'fight or flight' kind of response where blood was moving and affecting my extremities, but now I'm calmer and just shift my body, and usually it goes away. 

Reaslisation: I have found it interesting that my preoccupation that used to ruminate about my FOO and wondering how they would be doing over Christmas has shifted into more of a preoccupation with how my in-laws are.  Although, even as I write that, my concerns about my FOO re-surface and I feel guilt about the fact I'm estranged from them, and feel that it must be 'my fault'.

Plan: I hope to write more realisations for the remainder of this year, as I want to get them written down here so I can look back on my Journals in the future, and see how I'm progressing with everything.  I hope to start a new Journal here for 2021, but want to make the most of 2020 and gather realisations and consider them.

Weirdly, it feels safer to write things here - even though I know that people can read them - than it does to write anything that is in my house.  It's like I think I'll die, and then people will read what I've written in my home, and know it was me who wrote them, whereas in this online place - in 'out of the storm' - I feel safe and know that the people in this community do understand and accept complex PTSD and everything that comes with that.  I feel like they accept me.    (I feel tearful now - that has touched an emotional part of me).

Realisation:  I used to have such a big defence against thoughts of death, as if it would never happen to me, but now I feel like life is so precious and that death could happen.  But maybe that's just my older years - comparing myself in my 20's and 30's to now when I'm in my 50's.  Also all the pandemic worries and concerns - the reality of the potential of death in such circumstances.

But I do want to live.  I hold onto 'hope' that I will live the remainder of my life with greater understanding and acceptance of myself and the people in my life. 

I need to stop writing now, but I'm glad I wrote something today.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on December 28, 2020, 04:27:49 PM
Hope, your wish to live and what you write about it sounds really strong! Idk if "Well done" is the thing I should say but that's on the tip of my tongue.  :hug:

It helps me that you say you used to feel guilt around this time of year about your estrangement from FOO because that's what I've been feeling the past few days. Also trying to tell myself there is no reason to feel that, as there isn't for you either.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on December 28, 2020, 08:40:36 PM
 :hug: hugs hope I am certain that you will be able to find your way.  I hope for you a blessed 2021! I hope your parts will allow you to continue to move forward.  Big hugs. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 29, 2020, 07:31:57 PM
Hi Blueberry,

It helps me to know you've been feeling similar guilt feelings about estrangement from FOO, and I'm glad you're telling yourself there's no reason to feel that - and I will hope to take that on board for myself as well.  No reason to feel that.   Thanks also for the hug and for the "Well done" - I will take that.    :)  :hug:

Earlier today I said to my partner that I thought maybe my FOO (parents) hadn't been very good at parenting, and he replied simply by saying 'They weren't very nice people' - which made me gasp a little, but also take stock that actually I don't think they were!  I agreed with him.

Hi Tee,

Thanks for your hugs  :hug:  Yes, I hope my parts allow me to move forward.  You saying that, it's very helpful as it makes me think that I need to take my Self and encourage all my parts to move forward with me - like we can move along together.  That would be my hope and hopefully in 2021, that will happen.

*********
29th December 2020

I've started to re-read Janina Fisher's book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" and it must be about the third time I've read this book, but THIS time, it is actually making more sense to me!!!  I am excited by it, and I really think that it will help me to move forward with all my parts.  I just need to do some of the exercises and make them part of my life - so that my parts will feel I am reliable and they are cared for and that each and every one of them is valuable to me.  I don't mean 'valuable' - in any intrinsic value kind of way, I mean it in a way that means that they are meaningful.  Now I feel a bit silly...

But I've decided not to erase or change any words I say here.

I have a terrible pain in my stomach right now - I don't know if it's indigestion or something else.  But it is so painful. 

I'll have to go and see if I can relieve the pain in some way.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on December 29, 2020, 08:33:26 PM
I am ok again, the pain has gone.  I am glad.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: woodsgnome on December 29, 2020, 09:14:13 PM
Hope: "I am ok again, the pain has gone."  :cheer: That's so great, to be able to find light on the path once more.
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: marta1234 on December 30, 2020, 02:50:15 AM
Sending you support and care, Hope. You've been doing so much, and I'm glad you are finally excited about the book :) Sending lots of warm hugs your way :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Blueberry on December 30, 2020, 08:47:12 AM
Quote from: Hope67 on December 29, 2020, 07:31:57 PM
Earlier today I said to my partner that I thought maybe my FOO (parents) hadn't been very good at parenting, and he replied simply by saying 'They weren't very nice people' - which made me gasp a little, but also take stock that actually I don't think they were!  I agreed with him.
:thumbup: :applause: :cheer:   I wish we had a high five but we don't seem to. I came to this realisation about FOO a few months ago. I'm so glad you have a supportive partner to give you these ideas at a time when you can take them on board i.e. far enough along in healing. Just thinking back to your and my early days on the forum. Such a thought wouldn't have crossed my mind and if I remember correctly, even if it had crossed yours, you wouldn't have been able to write it.

Quote from: Hope67 on December 29, 2020, 07:31:57 PM
  Now I feel a bit silly...

But I've decided not to erase or change any words I say here.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

No reason for you to feel silly!! :hug:   Though I understand the feeling, me who changes own words on here and explains everything two- and three-fold so no misunderstandings possible. So I think your decision here is a big step!
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on January 02, 2021, 02:57:08 PM
Hi Woodsgnome,

I really liked what you wrote about finding light on the path once more, as it evoked a strong visual of an actual path, within a forest, and leading to the Secret Garden!!!  Where I knew that lots of folk who understand can be found!  Anyway that's what came to my mind, and I am thankful to you for saying that.   :hug:

Hi Marta,

Thank you for your support and care, I am very grateful for that, and feel your warmth.   Thank you  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,

I really appreciate your High Five equivalents, they are great   :cheer:  Thanks for reminding me that I am far along enough in healing to take something on board, as that's a good point, and I realise it now.  I think you and I started on this forum around the same kind of time, you might have been here a bit before me, I don't know, but I felt like we were here at similar times.

************
2nd January 2021

I'm going to start a new Journal, as it's a new year.  I had hoped to have more realisations to reflect on, but it was tough getting to this point - I found I have 'felt' so many more emotions this year - but I think that's because I'm more in touch with my emotions than I ever might have been in the past.  Less numbing, and literally feeling more! 

I'm intending to start a new Journal next time I write in here. 

I am thankful to everyone who has replied to me in my Journals and for all your support and I will hope to look back on the journals from time to time, to see the changes over time in the things I've been focusing on.

:grouphug:

Feeling emotional as it feels like an 'ending' but I am telling myself, it's not an ending, just the closure of a journal entry, and I can open another and that's ok! 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Tee on January 03, 2021, 05:59:19 AM
 :hug: it is ok Hope, to start something new.  It will not erase all the love support and progress you have here.  It will just give you somewhere else too start this year and see where it takes you!
  Good luck in 2021 I hope its a real good year of healing for all of us. :hug:
Title: Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
Post by: Hope67 on January 06, 2021, 01:24:16 PM
Thank you Tee  :hug:

It was hard for me to start a new journal - but I've managed to do it.   :)

Hope  :)