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Important Days/Holidays => Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day => Topic started by: sanmagic7 on September 06, 2020, 03:15:25 PM

Title: stress has turned into distress
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 06, 2020, 03:15:25 PM
i've been scrambling day to day to keep it together lately, but today the stress of it all turned to physical distress.  this house thing, waiting to hear if we even qualify for a loan to try to buy it, simply took over this morning.  tears, nerves, vibes of forlorn and depression are pounding at the door to my brain, and i'm overloaded. my body is vibrating with the distress since so many things have happened just since may that suddenly i can't contain it.

i'm going to be 73 next month, and the idea of having to pack up this household knocked my socks off this morning as i walked thru the house.  sitting in the back, smoking and drinking coffee, i listened to the birds, heard the ocean, watched the sunlight shafting thru the forest turning the trees a beautiful gold, the branches waving at me in the slight breeze - this is a mental health house for both my d and me, and the idea of eventually having to leave this place - i am coping badly. one hour at a time is seeming to be too much for me today.

and, we still have to wait at least till tues. to find out if we have even a chance to possibly buying it - a real outside chance cuz financially we've been making it from month to month and who would want to loan us a large sum of money?  we've no assets, not even a car, so location is crucial, and this house has been perfect.  the hills have been manageable, we've got what we need w/in walking distance, and the food pantry has even been delivering to us every month to make sure we have enough to eat cuz we can't take public transportation to get in line while they hand out boxes of food.

honestly, this may seem petty - we still do have a house to live in at the moment, but our lease is up next june (still, they can't kick us out while our lease is in effect.)  that's our only saving grace.  the uncertainty is a killer.  this past month i helped my hub in mexico get thru covid, before that i had to deal w/ my horrible ex while he sold our other house from under me (he'd gotten power of attorney from me while i was very sick and in mexico), so when he ended up bankrupt from mismanaging his funds, the house no longer suited him.

the problem was my name was still on the lease, and he had no thought about that, that i might be held liable for any money due, so i had to have contact w/ him which exacerbated my anxiety and carried me over into waves of depression seeing how he betrayed me once again and i had to fight to get him to do the right thing.  it was horrible.

the month before that, 4 family members died, most from covid, including my estranged sister, but...ack.  can't go on.  this is agitating me just writing it down.  needless to say, nicotine, caffeine, and xanax are what's keeping me slightly sane, but today it became too much.  i'm staying alive because of my d.  otherwise, it just wouldn't matter.
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: Snowdrop on September 06, 2020, 03:51:20 PM
I'm so sorry, San. I think what you're going through would be enough to overwhelm anyone. Having cptsd on top of all that makes it even harder. Please hang in there. I know it's hard, but you'll get through it. You will.

Remember that we're here, we care about you, and we've got your back. Sending you much love, and wrapping you up in a big, big hug.
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: saylor on September 06, 2020, 06:20:24 PM
Youíve been through so much recently, and I really feel for you, san. Uncertainty is indeed a killeróitís so tough to tolerate, and leads to those feelings of vulnerability that are a hallmark of CPTSD.

Iím hoping youíll get good news on Tuesday and that youíll be able to take a deep breath of relief
 :hug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2020, 06:21:24 PM
Dear SanMagic,
Sending you much love and some big hugs  :bighug: :bighug:  None of what you wrote seems petty, it is all relevant and important things, and whilst it seems challenging at the moment, I feel sure you'll get through this, and remember we're here and we care about you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: Blueberry on September 06, 2020, 06:32:14 PM
Youíve been through so much recently, and I really feel for you, san. Uncertainty is indeed a killeróitís so tough to tolerate, and leads to those feelings of vulnerability that are a hallmark of CPTSD.

Iím hoping youíll get good news on Tuesday and that youíll be able to take a deep breath of relief
 :hug:

 :yeahthat:

You really have been through so much recently, and in fact seemingly since I've known you on the forum. There's just been seemingly non-stop major upheavals. Moving and moving again etc. etc. You know yourself.

The place you're in atm sounds so good for you and d. and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by some miracle you can stay there!

 :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: rainydiary on September 06, 2020, 09:55:17 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: notalone on September 06, 2020, 10:52:03 PM
You have had one huge stress after another. Hang on, San.  :hug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: Kizzie on September 07, 2020, 01:06:48 PM
All the care and concern and support I can send through cyberspace I am sending San  :hug:   :bighug:   :grouphug: 

You've been through and are going through so much and I wish we could do more but we are here for you like you have been for us. Please hang onto the small comfort that we all care about you.  :yes:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 07, 2020, 07:36:33 PM
thank you, everyone, for all the affirmations of support and encouragements to hang on. i can't tell you how much you've all helped me yesterday just to get thru to today.  you all are truly marvelous in your acceptance of me, your kind words, and your well wishes.  altho i'm still unsteady, i do feel you and your hearts helping me hang on.  much love to you all. :grouphug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: notalone on September 08, 2020, 09:02:30 PM
 :bighug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: Snowdrop on September 11, 2020, 06:51:36 PM
Thinking of you, San. :hug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 14, 2020, 02:43:15 PM
notalone and snowdrop - thank you so much,  really - what a blessing to know you and everyone else.

i just read my original post.  this past week, just to add a little sumpin sumpin onto everything else, we had to evacuate our house because of the fires.  while we weren't in an real danger, the power was being shut off intermittently because of the winds knocking over the power lines causing sparks and more fires.  a town just northeast of us was demolished.

the air was unbreathable, the sky was red for several hours that first day, then changed to a cellophane orange.  zombie apocalypse look.  thanks to our neighbors, they had rescued a car for a friend whose house burned down while he was a work, and we were allowed to use it to literally get out of town.  the neighbor's brother generously offered their house, but (a 1 1/2 hr. drive normally, it took us 5 hrs. what with everyone evacuating) there were 2 young boys and 2 cats and we decided it wasn't the place for us.

luckily, we had an emergency credit card, and were able to find a last-minute cancellation at a motel, which was a godsend.  everyone there had evacuated from somewhere else and the staff and neighboring shops were so very kind and generous w/ food and extras.  honestly, we stayed 3 days, but the air kept getting worse - 3 fires were surrounding the area - and we stayed in contact w/ our neighbors who kept an eye on our house for us, and gave us updated reports on electricity, etc. (they have a generator, so it wasn't a problem for them)

finally, even tho my d and i normally love staying in motels, this was no vacation, and we were able to come home yesterday morning.  so, altho we'd been afraid of losing our house to a business beforehand, we then were contending w/ losing it to a fire for 4 days.  now, we're back to the original fear, worry, anxiety, possibility of losing it thru corporate means.

lots of people in town are still gone, so we're not sure now when we'll hear from the loan company one way or another.  i sat outdoors yesterday, looking thru our beloved forest in our backyard, and it got to be too much.  i gave up worrying about it, but resigned myself to having to move in 9 months.  the tension and stress got to me 2 days ago, and i felt very sick, enough so that i began worry i was on the brink of covid.  this morning i believe it's the stress flu, but, still, this is no way to live.
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: Blueberry on September 14, 2020, 06:57:30 PM
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 14, 2020, 07:14:34 PM
thank you, blueberry.  those hugs brought tears to my eyes :hug:

several friends of my d helped us out financially, too, which was a godsend.  they paid for the hotel, and i'm so grateful cuz we're going to need money to move, and the balance on that card will now be able to go back to what it was, leaving us, hopefully, with the ability to rent a moving truck.  these thoughts are already wracking my mind, and today, altho, i'm working hard at just being, thinking of anything that has to do with this house, trying to get my suitcase unpacked, just breathing, seems overwhelming.

time for some xanax.  today i'm having a real hard time.
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: blues_cruise on September 15, 2020, 11:47:23 AM
That is so much stress to cope with all at once, sanmagic, I'm so sorry. Sending loads of healing wishes your way, I really hope it all works out for the best. :hug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2020, 05:52:45 PM
b_c thanks for the well wishes.  i know it'll work out somehow!   :hug:

very sad today, have been leaking tears on and off for 2 days.  both my d and i are spent. at least the air is clean enough to breathe now, and it rained during the night, so hopefully that helped some of the fires closer to us. i just feel so bad for those people.  devastating.  inland, the air is still unbreathable, but i don't know how far the rain reached.  on the coast, we usually get more on a general basis.  one good thing is the hospital emergency room finally was able to open yesterday.  too much smoke for anything on that side of town to function.  what a living nightmare.

still haven't heard from the loan company, except that they sent the credit scores they will be using.  it feels like we're sitting on a fault line, not knowing whether we're going to be pulled under or the ground will stay stable.  where's superman when we need him?
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: owl25 on September 16, 2020, 12:24:51 AM
I cannot imagine what all of this must be like for you, san. I am so sorry that all of this came on top of everything else that was already so incredibly overwhelming. I am glad you breathe the air again.  :hug:
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 16, 2020, 02:21:00 PM
thanks, owl.  i hope you never have to imagine it, either. :hug:

last nite something on the news disturbed me badly. i think i'm incredibly furious and disgusted about it, but it's like i can't acknowledge it - there's already too much i'm holding back.  can't afford to let this dam break right now.  it made me have a hard time falling asleep, tho. 

i've started my next book, just trying to distract myself, i think.  it's more of a mystical, magical story based on mexican folklore, but set into a newsroom. i think what i heard on the news last nite tapped into the gist of my story, too.  too many things are infuriating that go on behind closed doors.   i guess this is taking me back to my activist days volunteering for domestic violence victims.

and, i'm blathering.  that's how much i'm distracting myself.  don't even want to write about my feelings here.  someone asked if how i'm coping or what i'm feeling is c-ptsd based.  yep.  sure is.  i can feel the disturbance in my innards, but can't bring it up.  don't know how much of that may be alexithymia, either, but i guess that doesn't matter.  it's still there, i'm still holding it in, still afraid that if it cracks even a tiny bit, i will explode little pieces of me all over and won't have the energy to pick them up, put them together again.  i just want to cry, but the tears won't come.
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: Blueberry on September 16, 2020, 10:27:36 PM
 :bighug: :bighug: Come sit on the Porch if you like and just be. Distracting yourself or not, crying or not. However you are is fine.

Good on you for starting on your next book! Being able to distract yourself, especially in a constructive way, is a form of resilience in my books. But even if it doesn't seem to be constructive in itself, if it's keeping you from falling apart, it is totally legitimate and I think a different form of resilience.
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 17, 2020, 03:56:44 AM
blueberry, wonderful thoughts, and, yes, i'm going to the porch, just watch the waves lap onto the shore, feel the breeze bring in fresh, clean air (ours was only moderate today, so down from the good rating we had yesterday) and no breezes to blow this crap away.  i'm just beside myself, was able to get some tears out, which was good.  no t for over a week now cuz of all the evacuations and cancellations from last week.  it's just horrible to think of what these people are going thru, and i try not to think about it but it creeps in anyway.

writing has always been beneficial for me, which is why i do so much of it here.  never thought of it as resilience, tho, just something i've done for as long as i can remember.  thanks for that, and for those warm, embracing hugs. :bighug: right back atcha, my dear.
Title: Re: stress has turned into distress
Post by: Kizzie on September 17, 2020, 01:13:15 PM
 :bighug:  Seems like we both need the healing porch right about now   :yes: