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Treatment, Self-Help & Recovery => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: sligeanach on September 06, 2020, 05:26:38 PM

Title: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on September 06, 2020, 05:26:38 PM
Posting this so I can have posted something, there's only so long one can stare at an empty text box.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: saylor on September 06, 2020, 06:01:33 PM
The words will know when (if) theyíre ready to flow. Thereís no timeline on theses things, and we'll be here if you need us
 :grouphug:
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: Blueberry on September 06, 2020, 06:40:16 PM
 :yeahthat: No pressure Sligeanach!
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: notalone on September 06, 2020, 10:55:32 PM
Toe in the water. Way to go.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on September 10, 2020, 02:52:19 PM
Thank you all. That means so much more to me than I realized it would.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: owl25 on September 11, 2020, 01:52:33 AM
It takes a lot of courage. You did great :cheer:
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 23, 2020, 10:06:33 AM
Hi Sligeanach,
I agree, it takes a lot of courage. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: Three Roses on September 23, 2020, 03:48:54 PM
It was difficult for me to get started here, too. I thought, what could I possibly have to say that's of any importance?

Finally, I started. It gets easier. And it's quite helpful to be validated and supported, as well as accepted into a group of people whole heartedly without feeling like you're an imposter or have to hide away all the ugly bits for the sake of fitting in.

It's my hope you will have the same experience here.
 :heythere:
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on September 25, 2020, 05:23:01 AM
Thank you kind friends.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on September 25, 2020, 05:26:44 AM
I think I'll just vent a little, if that's ok. I don't understand why I can't recover from any mistake. As soon as I've made some careless error, I just fall apart. I lose all my confidence and competence. Suddenly I'm useless, helpless, and just keep making it worse. It's saddening and frustrating.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: Three Roses on September 25, 2020, 05:35:28 AM
For many of us, myself included, mistakes were an invitation to be abused emotionally, physically, and/or sexually. Mistakes caused us to be laughed at, bullied and rejected.

Mistakes can prompt a return to that same emotional state we experienced when we were helpless. It's possible you are experiencing an EF or emotional flashback. Here's something to read by Pete Walker, someone who is frequently referenced here - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Hope this helps. You're not alone, I hate making mistakes.
 :heythere:
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: gravity on September 29, 2020, 07:16:27 PM
I understand completely what you mean, and Three Roses said it pretty well.  I also suffer from this.  You're not alone.

Offering a supportive hug if that's okay.  If not, it's okay to to not accept it.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on October 11, 2020, 08:46:22 PM
Thank you Three Roses for sharing the link to Pete Walker. It's taken many days for me to bring myself to read it, and I suspect it will take many days for me to be ready to work with the tools he offers. Thank you Gravity for the kindness of your offer and the compassionate way you respected boundaries and vulnerabilities.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on November 18, 2020, 05:45:10 AM
TW?
Well. I've eaten all the m&ms I gave myself to strengthen me to face this. Nothing personal to the kind people who have replied, nor the 200(?) others who have viewed my basically saying nothing. What does 243 views mean? Does it count each time I open this up to almost make an entry? I digress. I'm stalling. I'm only posting on mobile, and that makes it less real and serious, safer almost safer somehow. Which is probably silly, why would that be safer? This isn't what I was going to write about. I should delete it, I should post it anyway. I'm not saying anything, I'm exposing myself somehow, I'm trying to get attention, I'm always trying to be looked at, and never ever seen. To * with it, I should keep going, if I write enough, I can hide in a wall of text, and nobody reads a wall of text anymore, everything is TL:DR
heh heh the preview shows a star, an asterisk actually, H E double hockey sticks. I was just thinking I should have put TW at the beginning just in case, I don't know maybe. I'll put it with a question mark.
Ok here's the thing: nothing bad is happening, not compared to what I have been. I'm watching over my shoulder if I think about it, because I haven't had an episode. There I've said it. It's terrifying, like it will get me, like maybe it overlooked me somehow, and if I don't say anything, it won't notice, like not saying the devil's name aloud, like using a euphemism like Old Nick, like using an asterisk in place of... Well, you know.

Risky. A space. That breaks the wall of text. Suddenly I'm visible.

Another one. Here I am poking my head out of my shell. Sticking my neck out to get my head chopped off.

Now. It's this too. Didn't even dissociate just this night, felt the pull, the memory of it, but here I still am. But who is it that is me?

Nobody, nearly nobody. Working and working to be looked at but not seen, to be whoever it looked like I was supposed to be.

Only one woman knows me, and I even hide from her sometimes, many times. But she took me back, compassion and love, forgiveness, even after everything.

But now to find the strength, the will for more. Up or down? No plateau, all is flow, shrink or grow.

Not what I imagined when I spent an hour pretending in my mind that I was journaling here. So clear, so composed, but this?

It's what I have. What else I have to work with? At least it's something real.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: marta1234 on November 18, 2020, 07:33:57 AM
Sligeanach, I wanted to come by and tell you, thank you for sharing your thoughts in your journal to us. I know itís very scary at first to try to be open and vulnerable on this forum, when numbers like views and unknown members feel scary.
I also wanted to add that posting through mobile as a safer option does not feel silly at all. In any case, sending support your way and a hug (if itís ok).  :hug: I know how terrifying waiting for some bad flashback can be, although you might be talking about something else. Whatever the case, I wanted to tell you that we hear you. I hear you. And I believe you. :)
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: notalone on November 19, 2020, 03:35:24 AM
Only one woman knows me, and I even hide from her sometimes, many times. But she took me back, compassion and love, forgiveness, even after everything.

To be seen can be scary and even dangerous. To be attuned to by someone safe----life giving. (That is what I thought when I read your post.)
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on November 19, 2020, 07:23:28 AM
Thank you marta. Sometimes I feel so alone. I don't have any friends at all, and I'm sure that's a bad sign, but I just can't trust anyone enough to let them see me, with one exception.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on November 19, 2020, 07:27:57 AM
People stop by and say kind words here. I wish I was doing that, but I don't know what to say in other journals. And sometimes they're hard to read.
I wish I could give more, be better.

I'm still here, no episodes, but I'm always afraid, always hiding panic... And not always successfully. Reacting without thinking, avoiding decisions,
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on November 27, 2020, 04:37:14 PM
They call it flooding, but it's not flooding. Flooding is submerged, submersive. You can move through water, tread water, swim up and out.

It's not a wave, it's a dune. Not water, but sand. Immobilizing, entombing.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on November 27, 2020, 04:51:39 PM
How am I to heal, when reading about a symptom triggers the symptom?

Thanksgiving went well, very well in fact. Perhaps the best ever. No episode, and the family came together. But after, I could not connect with my one and only. I disengaged, and went to put away the leftover turkey, when it was time to connect and together decide how we would spend our evening, now that the family activity was done.

She tried to connect with me, but I was unavailable emotionally, and then couldn't find the way forward to connect. And then she left, there was nothing she could do.

So I looked for Gottman's Seven Principles on my Library's website, and borrowed the ebook, and got as far as the description of stonewalling and flooding.

And then felt the overwhelm.

And I remembered now, that this was exactly where I stalled before, that I dissociated the last time.

So I reread the Walker page on flashback management, and tried to practice square breathing, and thought of the Litany Against Fear, and posted to my journal.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on November 27, 2020, 05:03:56 PM
I can feel the sand in my lungs, burning at the edges of my nerves.

These tools, these few and precious tools to keep me here and now, feel so weak against the lifetime of habitual escape.

I'm not trying to emerge from it, nor exhume myself, it's neither water nor earth. It is sand. Micah and Silica, abrasive and asphyxiating.

Too easy to surrender to the weight of it, when every effort of extrication is is a fresh onslaught of terror, a repudiation of my nascent skills.

Fear IS the mind-killer
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on November 27, 2020, 05:50:55 PM
To be attuned to by someone safe----life giving.

She told me yesterday that I can validate myself. I want to do more than that, to be able to revitalize my self; to have something of my own life to give.

I've been zombified and vampiric, parasitic and ravenous, desperately craving the unmet needs of youth.

The hunger, the void consumes me; will devour her if she permits it. It nearly has.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: owl25 on December 09, 2020, 01:56:42 PM
How are you doing today, sligeanach? I can relate to the fear of being seen. It takes time to allow for it, as we need to make sure it is safe. Safety is imperative. You can dip your toe in with this, as you have been doing here. You can do it with that one person you have in your life. What notalone said - it is life giving. We are here to support you along the way.  :cheer:
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on January 04, 2021, 05:51:41 AM
How are you doing today, sligeanach?

I am surviving.

Thank you for asking.

I was able to choose to set a plate down, and take deep breaths, instead of throwing it down. I will never be that person again.

I don't want to go into it. I can't right now.

I have been journaling daily beginning on December 3rd of last year. It is probably helping.

I also started on The Body Keeps the Score and From Surviving to Thriving. I got them as e-books on my phone, which has proved useful, because I can click away when they are too much to read, and then come back to them later in the day. It's the first time I've preferred a virtual book to a real one. It allows me to manage it better.

Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: marta1234 on January 04, 2021, 12:23:36 PM
Sligeanach, I wanted to pop by and send you my support. Iím sorry youíve been having difficult days, I wish I could do something but sending you all my care and support  :hug: Hope you feel better in some days, and sending you a hug (if itís ok)  :hug:
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: sligeanach on January 10, 2021, 10:15:04 PM
Thank you Marta.
Title: Re: Sligeanach's journal
Post by: notalone on January 11, 2021, 12:19:21 AM
Good to hear from you. Those books were hard for me to read also.