The more I peer into the trauma I suffered, the more I wonder if I had a combo situation. It's difficult for me to delineate what was neglect and what was abuse, so maybe someone could help define that with me.
I remember times, usually during events or celebrations, where I would (and am now realizing) get caught in EFs. Something minor would happen, and then I would retreat to my room to be alone. My M would then "check in" on me, see I was crying, and verbally berate me for being sad. It would always be similar messages, like how dare I be sad when people were around and this should be a fun occasion and I wasn't allowed to be sad.
When there was no one around, no "public" face to put on and I would be upset, M would pretty much ignore me. I remember I was very, very emotionally pained (about what I don't remember), crying deeply in my room, and screamed. I knew she could hear me, but she didn't come. I had a similar situation later with my F around and was instantly next to me, trying to understand what was happening and calming me down.
I learned very quickly to never show my negative emotions, especially to my M, but I also have this weird thing where I make it very plain how I'm feeling with my body language and the way I interact with people I'm more comfortable with. It's like I'm sending out very subtle cries for help to anyone perceptive enough to understand. I am also becoming more aware that these kinds of signallings aren't the healthiest when it comes to relationships, but I'm working on it.
The thing to remember is that neglect is a form of abuse. It might feel different, but the result is often the same. I'm very sorry you had to experience that as a child, Gravity.
Gesturing was a problem for me, too. Something that helped me was labeling the feelings. Being able to say, "today I am feeling sad" or "today I feel anxious" gradually led to less movement. It isn't an instant fix but it might help you. I'm also very glad you're working on it! :)
The contrast between direct abuse and neglect/abandonment can feel very confusing :stars: /
So I'm drawn to your plight, Gravity; as it reflects a bit of my own traumatic ride, from suffering "active" abuse for the first 9 years of life, mainly from the m but also several awful experiences suffered within a horrible parochial school situation.
Then, almost overnight (or on the f catching on to what the m was up to), the overt abuse, bad enough, seemed to flip straight over to abandonment and major neglect. I've never figured it out either; and have finally concluded that I'm probably best off not knowing any of the why details anymore -- there really is no satisfactory answer for either strand of abuse.
All I can say, but in addition to words there's this :hug: -- I hope it's okay, just so you know you're supported and not alone in this.
Thank you both. It certainly helps to see others had similar experiences and I'm not alone.
Quote from: Eidolon on September 12, 2020, 08:37:35 PM
The thing to remember is that neglect is a form of abuse. It might feel different, but the result is often the same.
This is a good point I didn't understand before. Thanks for pointing it out. I guess I can view the neglect as a "passive" abuse and the shaming as "active" abuse, as woodsgnome also pointed out.
Quote from: woodsgnome on September 12, 2020, 09:10:32 PM
All I can say, but in addition to words there's this :hug: -- I hope it's okay, just so you know you're supported and not alone in this.
Thank you. I appreciate the support so far and I hope to reach a point where I can do the same. Small steps :)