Out of the Storm

Think it's time for a second journal. My last one was long enough.

Sending you a hug, if it's ok, with whatever you have going on. :hug:

Quite often, I have thoughts that bubble up. Sometimes they're just there, and sometimes I really engage with them.

A thought I have quite often is about likeability.  How some people are just instantly likeable. Those people seem to attract others effortlessly.  They're people magnets.

When I notice this, I can't help realising that I'm the the antithesis of those people.  I'm very rarely instantly liked.  I don't attract people.

In fact, I'm very hard work ( and that's me be realistic and honest, it's not me beating myself up).  I'm confusing and hard to understand.  However, I genuinely think that I'm with knowing.  I'm loyal, honest and very, very caring.  Deep down, I think I'm clever and witty and in some ways pretty cool.

And yet, no-one make the effort.  Well, very very few do. And usually, those that do get to know me do it because they had to (i.e. a work colleague who had been moved to sit with me/near me). They rarely get to know me through choice.  Admittedly, they're always quite surprised when they get to know the 'real' me.  I'm often told that I've changed or 'come out of my shell'. But actually  it's just my guard had dropped due to spending time together and then being around me for a while.

It bothers me that I don't have likeability. I suppose it's just another thing where I can think "what's wrong with me?".   But it is also a problem because it makes me crave that kind of attention even more.  That, then, in turn, fuels my awkwardness and people think a I'm odd...or needy...or probably both. And then I will want to withdraw.

The only thing worse than being invisible and overlooked is someone taking a disliking to me.  And this seems to happen quite a bit.  We all make snap judgements, and I'm know I've judged people too.

They're are two types of instant dislike. First there's those who just decide they don't like you and you don't connect. Then there's those who will actively dislike you, and there those who will make you unhappy.  I've come across a few of those people in my life.  And no matter what you do, you'll never convince them that you're worthy and you'll never be able to change their opinions of you.

I can think of at least four or five people in my life like this.  And I found their opinions (i.e prejudice = judgement without knowledge of me) difficult to comprehend. Their treatment was very very harmful and scarred me. I suppose you'd say these people are bullies or narcissists. Others would call them perfectionists, powerful or headstrong.

I've never been be able to comprehend why they took an instant dislike to me.  And even harder to understand was their treatment of me.  They always made me feel inferior and sub standard.

Strangely one of the people who did this to me was my mother.  I find it hard to consider her a narcissist (even though she was very vain about her appearance), but she definitely bullied me. I can clearly say she scapegoated me too. I was the black sheep and my brother, then subsequently my daughter was the golden child.

There were definitely times when my own mother didn't like me. She couldn't accept that I didn't match up to her idea of what I should be (yes, that is a narcissistic trait).  The feeling of her disapproval and dislike was horrible.

To my mum, when things went wrong, or generally needed fixing, then it was up to me to fix. Quite often she would assume I'd not get it right. She would guilt me into doing stuff but I'd never get any credit for it.

I very rarely remember her being impressed or pleased with me. But generally speaking I think I have no charisma and my charm rarely works.

When our family was dysfunctional and I spoke out she was the main opponent.  She'd deride me and make out I was in the wrong. She would suggest that I was overreacting and bad tempered.  She likened me to me father, who had some kind of mental illness, possibly Borderline personality. So she was saying I was unstable and reactive. But I was isolated, ignored and felt totally disliked in my own family group.

It suited everyone's purposes to go with what my mother said. So they all backed her up. That hurt....a lot.

It wasn't until my mum passed away, and having long term therapy that I understand what happened. Since that time my husband and daughter have understood what happened and they have validated me and what I felt back then.

I grew up in a domestically violent home. My mum suffered terribly. She left when I was 16. I'd always expected that we'd have a proper mother-daughter relationship when we were away from my father and the fear. But what happened was she put herself first. I can appreciate that, but I couldn't understand the distance between us. I had to make the effort to keep the relationship going.  If I didn't go to see her, she wouldn't come to see me.

It's only now, that my daughter is the same age as I was when my mum left, that I realise what a mum should be doing and feeling.  I want to spend time connecting with my daughter. I want to make sure she is okay.

My mum could have been closer to me. She could have been there for me. And that didn't mean going back home to my abusive father. It didn't mean sacrificing her new relationship. It wouldn't have taken much effort or time. But she didn't make the effort. I was left by myself.

She made me feel abandoned. She didn't seem interested. Later in life she'd be critical of me or purposely  oppose my opinions.  In hindsight, it seems that she didn't like me. She favoured my daughter over me - I could never compete with her.

So at the bottom of it all, I didn't feel liked by my own mum. So when I'm overlooked, or someone instantly and actively dislikes me, it seems that is how the world should be. I'm not likeable.

Snookie, I'm sorry this is your reality. Sending you a gentle hug if it's ok  :hug: .

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on September 28, 2020, 07:43:04 AM
So at the bottom of it all, I didn't feel liked by my own mum. So when I'm overlooked, or someone instantly and actively dislikes me, it seems that is how the world should be. I'm not likeable.

Really sad.  :'(

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on September 28, 2020, 07:43:04 AM
However, I genuinely think that I'm with knowing.  I'm loyal, honest and very, very caring.  Deep down, I think I'm clever and witty and in some ways pretty cool.

Considering the treatment you received from your mother, it is almost miraculous that you are able to value yourself. Yahoo!

One of the symptoms that I have is lack of identity. I don't really know who I am and what I do know I deeply despise or feel ashamed of. So who am I?.....

I constantly over think - always have. The earliest memory I have of this I was 8 years old.  I'd heard a chance comment about woodworm.  This slowly lead to me obsessing about it.   Until one day I absolutely lost the plot - I was convinced that our home was going to collapse around us.  The distorted thoughts had become so consuming.

As one of my previous posts mentioned, from the age of six I was already escaping into malaptive daydreaming and spending a long time in a fantasy world.  I did fully dissociate from time too.

I can't remember having many friends. I had quite severe asthma as a child and was hospitalised a few times.  Far from having sympathetic parents, they were cold or angry.  One of my early memories is being left alone in the living room, whilst recovering from a chest infection that had exacerbated my asthma. I remember wondering why no one would stay with me - I felt lonely.  I was constantly told off for forgetting my inhalers or doing it wrong. But now I realise that healthy parents would have taken the responsibility, and be compassionate and caring.

I wasn't allowed to play out quite often, due to b my asthma.  Living on a steep hill meant I wasn't allowed to ride a bike.  I missed a lot of school due to ill health.  I feel behind in lessons.  I wasn't very clever.  I was easily bullied and intimidated.

Because I was so lonely I used to talk to myself.  I still do this.  Just explaining things out loud to myself - justifying things. Or having imaginary arguements/conversations.  I sometimes speak to myself as an outsider - not sure why. I've been caught out talking to myself often - it's embarrassing as people think I'm weird.

It wasn't until I was in my late teens that I realised how wound up I was. And how little I could relate to others.  As my previous post explains, I just don't have instant likeability.

The ruminations and self doubts set in. I could only see others as being better.  The inner critic started to corrode me.

It during my very first bout of therapy that I coined a phrase that described my people pleasing desires.  That phrase was "praise junkie".  I became addicted to praise and approval.  I realised if you were doing well, then the world felt good and safe.  I only wanted that feeling. But it came at a cost. I had to become an overachiever.  Longer hours. Faster work.  Larger caseload. Every increasing targets and expectations.  But it wasn't sustainable.  My health suffered - but in a benign way.  I suffered with bladder inflammation on AC repeated basis.  The only thing that helped was to relax and not overwork.

I resolved not to work overtime, but that didn't help, as restricting my hours meant I'd get behind.    That stressed me and scared me.  So I'd rush. And make mistakes. And thus my perfectionism was born!

My mum would criticise me. Or infer things about me, with not so subtle hints and suggestions.  She made me very self conscious.  I was 12 when she taught me to check my reflection at every opportunity possible.  I'd be compared to others frequently, usual with the context that they were much better than me.

I always liked different things.  My musical tastes and clothes weren't the norm. But my mum used to get angry with me. And was mean to me about it. 

At 26, for the first time in my life I developed acne.  But not ordinary acne. It was cystic acne - nodules deep in the skin that don't come to a head.  Fortunately I only got them on my chin and nose. But in that small area I'd have 6 or 7 spots in various stages.  They would fester and scan and then scar.   So I could look a mess. One person thought I could have impetigo (an infectious scabbing disease).

I used to look after myself and had my hair done. I remember one occasion when I'd paid £85 (some years ago a lot of money).  My mum didn't even comment on my hair, just that it was a shame about my skin. She told me that I needed to sort it.

I've spent loads of money and time trying to fix my cystic acne. I've had several prescription items. Nothing had fully worked.  Even now at 48 I constantly have cysts.

So I learned that I didn't match up.  I was criticized for being me. Others were better at things than me, even if I was putting in huge effort.  I just wasn't very good.

No one I feel like I don't know who I am.  I basically appalled and ashamed at who I am and who I want to be. I am effectively hiding from myself.

Even though she's gone I still feel her judgements

hey, snookie,

sometimes when we're brought up by someone who shows dislike to us, i think it's very easy to believe we're unlikeable, and even to begin acting in ways that put people off us at the very beginning.  i'm not saying you do this - from what i know of you on this forum, you are very concerned, caring, and someone i'd want to know.  i'm just saying that i heard a long time ago that it's very common to act in ways our parents portrayed us. 

i do believe that's why i became an overachiever, pushing myself harder and harder throughout my life, acting like i had all the answers.  it distanced others from me as well, but i can trace it back to my father's expectations he put on me.  i, also, was very friendly, but often intimidated others before they got to know that side of me.

weird how that works sometimes.  i've worked on that piece of myself, have had to since i got too sick to push myself like that anymore.  i do hope you find your way to let out that sweet, caring, friendly, likeable side of you more easily.  you are likeable, snook.  i like you. 

love and hugs to you, dear snookie. :hug:

Thanks for your replies Marta and Notalone.

San, many thanks for the love and validation.  It means so much x

At work we have an employee of the month award.  Two employees out of the 20 staff are selected each month.  Four of those staff are senior management so don't get selected (they're pretty much the ones that choose). So there's 16 of us.

The idea is to recognize someone who goes above and beyond.  But often they get it for doing their job

I won in January 2019.  And recently I've noticed that I have a really bad tempered reaction to it each month.

Initially I'm disappointed not to have been selected.  Then I feel negative about myself.  Then I get angry. Then I get very resentful at those chosen - mentally running them down.

Some months, whilst working from home, I have even cried.  Ridiculous really.

This month, I wasn't recognized, again. I was a little more philosophical and accepted it.

This morning, without even thinking about, it occurred that I'm one of only three people who haven't been recognized in nearly two years. The others are receptionists, so unlikely to be able to do additional tasks or be spotted for their work. And they were furloughed for six months too.

I feel deflated.

I have  done some impressive things at work and made lots of progress.  I can only assume it's expected.  Or that I'm not liked (see previous posts). Or that I'm invisible (this is the most likely).

This reminded  of a time about 20 years ago.  I was covering a colleague for maternity leave.

Each week we completed a form for the supervisor which gave figures for outstanding work, new instructions and case load.  The form had become quite worn due to repeated photocopying.   Items had been added in pen and it looked messy.

I decided to take it home and do a fresh form over the weekend.   I handed in the revised and neat form on Monday - quite pleased with myself.

Within half an hour my supervisor marched into my office.  Dropped the form on my desk. Said "we'll have that back as it was" in an angry tone and marched  off.

I was devastated.  I didn't understand what I'd done so bad.

I knew then as now, I should have challenged her.  And she probably was annoyed that there were some things I was better at.

It was the injustice that got me.  Had the lady I was covering for redone the weekly form then she wouldn't have reacted the same way.  She'd probably have complimented her.

So why does it happen.  That others get praise and I get ignored, or berated.  It's that likeability factor, again.

At a previous job, when I finally got "employee of the month," my supervisor (who liked me and nominated me) said to me, "It's about time." Truthfully, I agreed with her. It was about time. It had been several years and I did believe I did a really good job. I'm not sure in my case why it didn't happen earlier, but I think everyone needs to be affirmed in one way or another. I hear how discouraging and deflating this feels to you.

Snookie, as I read your entries I felt like you were writing the thoughts and experiences I have.  It helps me to hear these experiences and thoughts shared by others.  It gives me perspective.  Thank you for sharing these reflections. 

Notalone thank you for sharing and for your validation.  Rainydiary, thank you for your comments and validation. It's reassuring to know from both of you that I'm not alone in my experiences.

I can accept as I get older that my memory wouldn't be as sharp as it was.  I do that thing of walking into a room and forgetting why I went there.  Words, names and place names Alyse allude me. I go to say them and they're not there. But days later I know them.  It's the strangest feeling, but completely natural.

One of the things I didn't expect (and triggers my CPTSD) is getting things wrong.  It's definitely happening more frequently. Either that or I'm more sensitive to it.

This is displayed mainly at me misunderstanding something. I'll have an opinion over what something means, how something is. Someone will disagree with me. And the outcome usually is that I'm proved wrong. 

As someone who was repeatedly criticised by both parents and my brother throughout my life, you can understand why being wrong is an uncomfortable place to be.  I've also been bullied in school and in the workplace.

Whilst I know that being wrong doesn't make me a bad or evil person, it makes me feel exposed and unsafe. It also sets off my inner critic, followed by perfectionism and shame.

At approaching 50, being wrong and out of step, just makes me feel old and worthless. What do I have to contribute from my life experience if I'm getting things wrong. I just feel  irrelevant and stupid.

I know, I know that the thing to work on here is acceptance. Accepting that I'm wrong. That the world will not end even if I'm wrong all day, every day. But it feels a heavy burden because I've already been wrong. And I've been made to feel bad for being in the wrong. And it's that pain that I can't bear anymore. I don't want to add anything else to that pain.

But it frightens me that it's going to get worse and worse. That I'm going to be wrong more and more. And that I'm going to sink under this shower of negative emotions and thoughts. 

I then get stuck in freeze mode. I become unable or unwilling to make choices for fear of being wing. I second guess myself. I ruminate.  All adding to the negative energy.

yeah, a vicious spiral, indeed.  all i can say is that now, in my 70's, i totally get it.  i'll swear i remember something my d said, and she tells me it didn't happen, or the other way around.  i think some of it is because we have so much neg. memories in our minds that they kind of keep other things from sticking - like why you walked into a room.  my opinion only.  but i like to think that way to help myself feel not so bad about forgetting or being wrong.

i also think that as we do recovery work, our minds are really active with the job of processing information in order to move on from it.  that takes a lot of energy to do, and sometimes there may not be enough energy left over to remember the day to day things like where we put our keys.

i also know that feeling of being scared when it happens more often than usual.  believe me, you're not old and worthless.  i do hope that now when you're wrong, you are not being criticized by people, that you have more accepting people around you.  if so, can you hang on to that?  plus, your responses here, reaching out, giving support are all very helpful to the rest of us, which makes you worth a lot no matter your age.

sending love and a hug full of tolerance for aging   :hug:  i'm hanging onto that one for myself, too! :bigwink:

San,

Many thanks for your response x

And thank you for the understanding and the hugs x

I often crave attention.   During my regular fantasing, it involves receiving that attention.  The fantasies usually involve some suddenly realising that I'm a smashing person and that they have overlooked my talents/beauty/charms/wit. And that once they've seen the real me they're totally enthralled with me.

It's a sign of how little I'm noticed in real life. It's no sign of how invisible I am. How insignificant people think I am.

We don't crave what we have. We crave what we haven't got, what we've never had or what we've lost.  I've never been the kind of person who people gravitate to. I've never been instantly noticeably or likeable.

My fantasies show what I'm actually lacking.  And when you boil it down, it comed down to approval. 

I do have some approval in life. But it's usually earned after some time.  For instance I had some work colleagues who were stand offish, but over time  as they spent time with me they became friends.  They  said that I'd changed (the sub-text being as I'd changed they now approved of me). I hadn't changed. They'd just gotten to know me and their opinion had changed.

As discussed in previous posts, I just don't seem to fit in.  The perennial square peg in a round hole.  It's not what I want or need. 

I don't think it's something that I can consciously change or do anything about.  I am just like that.  I genuinely lack the skills and knowledge of how to be with people.   I think I've heard it termed arrested development.

At 48, I'm less socially skilled than the 16 and 17 year old office juniors!  I've often felt triggered by how comfortable they are with other work colleagues. 

Is it any wonder that  when feeling so out of step and awkward, that I'd retreat into a well rehearsed fantasy of being approved of.

I've heard that thoughts can generate the same emotions as an event.   This is true of flashbacks.  So when I retreat into fantasy, it is generating positive emotions, sensation and hormones.  That's a nice counterbalance to the feelings that real world has to offer.

In the absence of outside reassurance and approval, my fantasy world is sometimes the only validation I get, that actually I'm okay. Or sometimes better than okay. And in my really indulgent times, I can allow myself to fantasise that I'm special...well to someone.

I also think at the heart of my daydreams, I'm hoping someone will come and save me. Will come along and suddenly the world will be okay. They'll protect me from all the horrible stuff. They'll make me feel better.

Again, all the above things, are things that I crave because I never had them.   I still yearn for them.  So often I feel empty and hollow. And disconnected and isolated.  Just wanting the warmth of approval and being noticed.

There have been times in my life when I tried to meet my needs via fantasy. It makes sense to me that you use fantasy to generate feelings of being known and cared about. Sending a virtual hug  :hug:, from a real person, who cares.

Thank you Notalone. Your virtual hug and understanding was appreciated x

Yesterday, one of my old school friends posted a picture on Facebook. It was a picture taken at an 18th birthday party...so 30 years ago.

I noticed that there was a strange mix of people. People who hadn't been in the same friendship group at school.  It then struck me that I probably wouldn't have been included in that group. I had left the town by the time the photo was taken.  But it felt very clear and real to me that I'd probably not be part of the group. I was, and am, different.

Even spanning 30 years I thought that I would have been anxious and awkward. That square peg in a round hole again!

I then noticed that they all looked quite grown up and comfortable in the photo. Thinking back to me at 18, I was a bit of a goth or a rock chick.  I WAS different. 

I felt two conflicting emotions. I was sad - because of my inability to fit in or make friends. But I was happy - that I'd recognised what I was feeling. And that I was kind of accepting of me being different.  She also because I was uncomfortable where I was at 18, but I was much more happy in that place than if I was in the photo with my old school friends.

It did make me realise that I'll probably always be a bit odd around others. That is good and bad. Bad, because of the pain it causes. But good because I recognise it and kind of accept it.

hey, snook,

personally, i haven't been one to fit in too well, either.  different perspective on the world, different sense of style about myself. for me, tho, it seemed to grow to greater proportions the older i got.  the more i learned, the less i fit in.  i just hope you're more comfortable now with who you are, and can find it in you to approve of yourself.   i think that kind of individuality is pretty special.  you are pretty special.

keep being you, ok?  i agree with you that people often change their minds about accepting others because of their own reasons rather than what we're doing or being like.  when they allow themselves to take the time to look behind our outward appearance, they find a person who they didn't see at first. sending love and a hug full of self-approval.   :hug:

Hi San

Many thanks for your reply and hugs X

I am taking fairy steps towards acceptance.  I can accept why others don't warm to me.  I am different. But as for accepting myself.... That's a work in progress.

Low self esteem, an active inner critic and shame all get in my way of self acceptance.  And fear too - fear of standing out or being ridiculed.

For now accepting that I am different - unique - is where I'm at. No-one has had the same journey as I have.  I also accept that I have CPTSD and that makes me act and think a certain way.  I am working on liking myself and of breaking my CPTSD traits.

I feel like hiding. On turning and walking away from the world.    No, I'm not triggered, just tired. Suffering from a bit of fatigue. World weary.

I've spent the last few days feeling intensely irritated with...well lots of people.  I've felt on the outside. Disjointed. Disconnected.  Like I'm being taken for granted.  You get the gist... I'm just annoyed.  Not necessarily in a CPTSD way...just in I'm generally fed up.  I just want to tell the whole world to go and get lost.

So time for a bit of self care.  I'm snugged up in my dressing gown with my Bluetooth headphones on listening to music.  I love my headphones - perfect for cutting off the world and enveloping myself in a bubble of music.  It's a cool way of me feeling and experiencing what makes me who I am - my choice of music. It's a shame I can't use my headphones at work - shield me from all the rubbish chit chat and politics that drones on.

I remember at 15 I discovered the joys of a Walkman - being able to take my music wherever I went. And being in a warm, safe bubble of my favourite music.  It was one of the first signs that I was different to the other girls in the playground.  First that I had my headphones on most of the time. And second was my choice of music. I didn't join in the conversation, or join in signing the most popular songs like my schoolmates.  I suppose that was why they didn't bond with me as much as other people.  They must have thought I was odd and not interested. I was just coping with what was going on in life and my head.

But tonight, I need some time out with my headphones. The world, people in general have drained me. I'm jaded. I need to recharge.

Early  hours of the morning.  I've woken up because I'm feeling shame.

It's been an uncomfortable week at work.  I am feeling inadequate and worse still that I'm a bad person.  I've noticed that feeling that everyone must dislike me. That I take up more room than I deserve.

This is the beginning of an anxiety spiral.  It's the confines of my CPTSD closing in, tightly around me.  Recognize it for what it is.

I'm off to listen to some talk radio - which is a great distraction. In the hope that in trying to concentrate on the words, it lulls me to sleep.   And by resting/sleeping I'll feel better and stronger in the morning.

Oh and hopefully the cat will come and have a snuggle.

Night all x

Hi Snookiebookie,
Hope you were able to get some rest and sleep in the end, and also that your lovely cat might have come for that snuggle you mentioned. 
Hope  :)

Hi Hope

The answer was yes and yes.

I snoozed off witihn 15 minute. And my cat came to snuggle.   

As I am not working today I had a lovely lie in this morning too.

I don't feel anywhere as bad as I did in early hours

X

I've begun to notice just how often I feel resentful. 

At first I felt bad about it.  I thought of as a low-level form of hate. But actually I think it's much more subtle and nuanced than that. I think it's a fear reaction.

For example, I recently had yet another tattoo.  And sent a photo to a friend of mine.  All my tattoos have significance and are important to me. But due to that, they can be a little bit dark and sinister.  They usually have skulls or deathly imagery involved.  They also include lots of pretty flowers. I'm intrigued by how beauty and ugliness sit together.   My friend made some observations about my tattoo and that was it.

On Facebook this evening a mutual friend had posted a pic of her tattoo which is a flower.  My friend was gushing in her praise of this.  But she'd barely noticed my tattoo. And bam!  I felt white-hot resentment.  upon noticing it, at first, I thought I was hateful. A horrible person who hates everything and everyone. Someone who wants to destroy.

It was after thinking about my resentment that I understood it.  I am aware enough to know that the mutual friends tattoo is more 'acceptable' and easily understood.  That mine are a bit odd, unique to me. 

It was then I realised.  It was my inner child feeling rejected. My inner child was having the resentful reaction. Because once again I was overlooked. Once again my needs were not being met. I was fearful of being ignored and shunned. I wasn't like others (another repeating pattern).

In that context it was totally understandable.  I was in an unconformable place again.  Both my parents and my brother never approved of the things I liked and they expressed their disapproval regularly and loudly.

It set me thinking that approval might be the antidote to my resentment.  Approval means inclusion. It means positive feelings.  It means I'm not substandard or rejected, or judged, shunned, or disliked. 

But after 48 years and many years of therapy, I know that approval won't appear. Life isn't going suddenly change.  My therapist has often said that approval must come from me.  I find that hard.

However, I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling resentment. It may be useful to let my inner child know that I approve. 

My tattoos may seem a bit odd to others but to me they are reminders of what I've been through. They're also god damn cool! And definitely not boring either.

Very significant insights.  :thumbup:

Snookie, I wanted to repeat what notalone said, that this is a very good insight (if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have had the courage to see the truth in things  :no:). And although it's a sad insight, I'm sending you much support for having the courage to realize what it actually is .  :hug:
I also wanted to add that I'm sorry for society stereotypes and misconceptions of tattoos. I'm for sure that your tattoo looks amazing because it has a special place in your heart, and that's all that matters. But I do understand that for people to appreciate more complex drawings, tattoos, etc. , you have to be open to that darkness. You have to realize that it exists in the world. I hope what I wrote is ok, if not then no pressure to ignore  :) I felt sharing some thoughts  ;D
Sending you support and lots of hugs, Snookie  :hug:

Hi Notalone and Marta

Many thanks for your replies. They're welcomed and appreciated.

I'm feeling avoindant today.  That familiar feeling where I want to walk away from the world.  To become a hermit.

My CPTSD is at the heart of this feeling.   My inner critic is telling me I'm a bad person.  I'm aware enough to know the little devil sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear is a liar.  Or perhaps skewing the facts; telling my one side of the story.    I know something has caused this. To use an overused word,  I'm triggered.

Thankfully it's not a major event thats aggravating my symptoms.   As usual, with me it's a perceived mistake.  I got something wrong. Or to be more accurate I think I didn't get some quite right.   While this should lessen the feeling of inadequacy, the fact that I've fallen short of an expectation rather than completely messed up still means that I feel bad.

It's a sign that I'm improving that knowing I feel bad about falling short shows that I'm remorseful.  And being remorseful shows that I didn't intend any harm.  I am not a totally bad person.

Despite all this, my inner critic is still persuasive.  It tries to tell me that I must have purposely tried to cause harm - deep down it must have been my intention. Those seed of doubt are hard to avoid becoming an existential crisis.  This can lead to hours of ruminations with fears of who I am and fears of who is hidden inside. 

At times like this I just want to switch of my head.  At times like this I find it hard to function and interact with people.   It exacerbates the problem and makes me feel worse about myself.  I throws up, starkly, how different I am.

The differences are: how nervous and socially anxious I am. I don't  know tge social norms of how I should be - things that should be said and done and things that shouldn't. Or how I don't have a sense of who I am. Or how ashamed I am of who I am. Or equally thay there are many sides to who I am.  It also makes me see how unresiliant I am.  How modest my achievements are compared to other.  How emotionally reactive I am.  But also despite that intense emotional reaction how paralysed I am. How fearful I am.   How childlike and unlike an adult I am. How complex my thoughts and feelings are.

And when I see how different I am, it is difficult to avoid feeling shame. Although I have learned some acceptance in the form of awareness.   So the level of shame isn't as bad as it used to be.

When I feel like this then I want to withdraw.  I just don't want to be part of it all anymore.   I want to step away from responsibility. I sometimes cannot cope with responsibility, it feels such a burden.  A burden to get it right and execute things successfully.  An expectation.

I just want to withdraw and be me. Be me in a small, unassuming, quiet way.  With no drama or trauma.  No expectations. And therby no failure or falling short. That way I won't fall short of the social norms and feel bad about it. I can be just me and no one will be there to judge me by their standards.  It won't mtter who I am, how I act or react, or how I feel. If I could withdraw forever, it seems like a safe space. But sadly I cannot withdraw and have no more responsibilities.   I just hsve to survive this turbulence, once again.

A couple of times recently I've noticed a certain side of me.  I can very very resentful.  This negative emotion always takes me by surprise.   I've previously mentioned that I actually think this is actually a voice from my inner child. She is telling me that she's lacking something that someone else has.  Something that she hasn't had, or that she's scared of loosing.

I've also noted that at times I'm quite judgemental of others.  I find this harder to rationalise.   I absolutely hate being judged.  I hate how harsh my inner critic is of me.  Yet often I can be judgemental of others automatically.  I'm wondering if this an extension of my perfectionism - that mentally I'm comparing others to my inner critics expectations.

I am struggling with the thought that I'm also the kind of person who wants to micro manage others.   That one doesn't sit comfortably with me.  I'm not a control freak, but I just don't want things to go wrong thats all. So there's genuine good intentions behind it.   

But then again, I'm not sure if I'm just beating myself up and finding sone negative things in my character and being super harsh on myself.  I am genuinely trying to be a good person and don't wish anyone harm. 

I've thought a bit more about things over night.  I think my tenancy to micro-manage things is from a good source.  I'm trying to avoid problems in my life and in the lives of those around me.  It's driven by my generalised anxiety.   I possibly over think and see problems and am constantly trying to avoid them.  So it's got reason and good intentions.

However, I realise that sometimes it may seen that all I'm doing is picking fault. It could feel like a running commentary of what you haven't done right.  I'm sure that can feel undermining and could affect self esteem.  I'm projecting my perfectionism on to others.  That's part of who I am and how I survive. Again, it's got good intentions in that I just want the best for those around me and I'm trying to avoid problems.

However, I'm concerned how it does affect those around me.  My mother was very judgemental and was constantly putting her opinions on me. I don't want to be like her.  I don't think I am quite as bad as her.

The kind of thing I'm doing is checking my daughter is wearing her coat in weather ("you don't want to catch cold").  Or that she keeps an eye on the time I'm the morning ("You don't want to miss the bus").  Our she looks after herself ("A healthy balanced diet is important").    So you can see that I'm saying these things from a caring place. Whereas my mum would criticise me unsolicited. She'd criticise my hair "you don't want a centre parting, no-one has a centre parting because it's old fashioned". My clothes - "You should wear a maxi dress, everyone is wearing them. Why don't you get one, instead of always wearing jeans and t-shirts". 

So you can see my mum's comments were attacks on me, whereas my comments are aimed to help.  However, I'm realising that it may come across as a stream of comments to remind my daughter what's she's doing wrong. It could be affecting her self esteem and her sense of who she is.  And That's not my intention. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to undermine her or effect her self esteem. The same is could be true of other people too.

I need to be more accepting and loving and less judgemental and micromanaging.

It's not a major problem, just a small thing that I do from time to time. It's been difficult to realise that I do this, but I do accept that it is something I do.  I can see ways of improving. The fact that I want to change the behaviour shows that In meant no harm and wasn't doing it intentionally.

Those are really big insights.  :thumbup:

Big insights indeed. It comes across that you're coming from a place of care. :hug:

You may know from my posts that I'm frequently challenged by situations. These are quite triggering.  I've noticed that my default mode is to blame myself and assume it's all my fault. I feel like a bad person.

In the last week, unusually, both my husband and daughter have had their own challenges and have felt pretty upset.  I've noticed that they do the same. They feel like they are a bad person.

When something bad happens to us we obviously feel a range of emotions - guilty and shame to name a couple. But then our brains add to that - it adds meaning. It tells us we're inadequate or that we're stupid. It automatically lays a story over how we're feeling.

To make matters worse, our subconscious then seeks out all the other times we've felt this way. It finds evidence for the story. So if you're feeling inadequate, it'll somehow connect to all the other times that this has happened.  This becomes a chain of wrong-doing that weighs us down.  It can be a slippy spiral downwards.

I think that those of us with CPTSD have a larger collection of those bad moments to join together in a chain.  I wonder if this is why we end up in the spiral more than others. 

I know that when I'm triggered, in a situation where I feel that I don't match up to expectations, that I fear the tidal wave of self criticism that will come. It's bad enough to feel bad about the current situation but to have my brain bring up all the other times that I've felt like this is the worst. 

I'm not sure if it's just unresolved trauma my brain is bringing up. Or flashing back to times when I've felt the same emotions. Or even my inner critic having a field day and chucking as much rubbish at me from my past.

Whatever it is, it feels to much to deal with, on top of whatever is going on.

I was able to speak to my husband and daughter and ask them to focus on the here and now. I asked they didn't make mental lists of all the other stuff that had gone wrong or of their perceived faults.  I told them they weren't bad people.  I hope it worked.

It was quite interesting to see rumination happening in two people who are relatively emotionally stable.  I'm not sure if it'll help the next time that I'm triggered though.

I came across your post about not being recognized at work and wanted to say this used to trigger so much in me. I was being questioned and felt like I was constantly being given a hard time I do work in a mostly male dominated field and there's even a documentary about how wide spread the gender discrimination, but recently came across this instagram post about how much discrimination women do face at work. It's really helped to shift some of the "it must be me feelings." Although, does increase the despair at the state of the world feelings  ;D

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGcSscYsRPJ/?igshid=i6zuo67762lw

Hi Dollyvee

Thank you so much. That post was fascinating.

Sadly, though, I don't think it's the cause of my experiences at work.  There are more women than men in the office. Some women are recognised more than others.

I feel it is a case of whether 'your face fits'.  Whether you're considered to be part of the crowd.

The Crappy Childhood Fairy posted a video on YouTube this week about behaviours of people with CPTSD that can push others away.  I think we do exhibit conscious and unconscious signs that can separate us from the crowd.  It's a coping mechanism.  And by keeping myself from the crowd, they become wary of me. By trying to hide from them, I become invisible.

I can understand how it works. I frustrates me a little that my actions and results don't speak loud enough to be noticed it rewarded.

hey, snook,

i don't doubt you're right about how our traumas can pile on thoughts, images, memories, feelings   :fallingbricks:  once something triggers us in the present.  it makes total sense to me. i had a day like that earlier this week, and it knocked me on my butt - i felt disturbed, out of sorts, like being buried under those falling bricks. and it was caused by catching myself before  i'd actually done an old behavior!  so, it was the thought that i almost repeated something from my past that caused me to have an entire day lost.

we can't underestimate this beast i call c-ptsd - it's insidious, many-headed, and always lurking.  i hope you are able to remember what you said to your H and D next time you're triggered. also want to let you know we see you here, and hear your voice.   sending love and a hug filled with visibility :hug:

Hey Snookie,

I'm sorry that you're not having a great time  :hug:

I know from my own work environment that besides the outright sexism, it's also not filled with authentic ppl who are empathetic to someone going through CPTSD. I had a colleague tell me he needed to take a mental health day. No one ever takes a day off, let alone for something like that! I understood though, and told him that and that's good he recognizes he needs that. He told me I was the only person (besides his gf who is a mental health first aider) that has said that to him. Maybe it's different in your work environment. While we all have our faults, I hope you don't take it all to heart  :hug:

From what you've said in your other post, you've contributed a lot to your company  :applause:

San and Dollyvee

Thank you so much for your contribution.  I really do appreciate it.  I feel seen and heard.  But most important I feel validated and understood.

I spoke to one of the people I work for a couple of weeks ago.  He has always held me in esteem and told me he is to  nominate me for employee of the month.  I've made lots of progress this last couple of weeks too.  It'll be interesting to see if the management selects me as the winner this month. Or if I am being overlooked or ignored.

It's still nice to know that there is at least one person out there who appreciates me and my work.

Yeahhhhhhh

I've been awarded Employee of the month!!! Whoop whoop.

Finally, feel like someone noticed me

Hooray! Well done Snookie! :cheer:
:fireworks: :fireworks:

Congrats Snookie! That's great  :cheer: You always have deserved it, happy you finally got it.  :hug:
:fireworks:

Hi Snookie, that is great news!!!  Congratulations!!!   :fireworks: :cheer:
Hope  :)

Happy for you Snookie  :applause:

It's been another difficult day at work.  Something hasn't been dealt with well. Whilst this was a problem before I started, I still feel I haven't performed well.  I feel quite exposed and inadequate. I am aware this is my CPTSD at work.

I've spoken to my direct supervisor and flagged up the problem and discussed potential course of action. She hasn't held me responsible at all and knew that the computer system was lacking. It's not a vast sum of money, so that's okay.

Despite this, I can't help feeling bad.  But unlike what most people feel, this feeling is an intense, dark emotion.   It goes to the very heart of me.  It consumes me.

What's strange is the kind of thoughts that worry and unsettle me.  The obvious thought I'd that they may sack me. The other thought is that someone may think bad things about me - that I'm useless. That thought scared me more than the  thought that they might fire me!  Yes, I'm genuinely more upset at the idea of someone negatively judging me that being out of a job.

And actually, as I think about what might happen, what really, really scares me is being told off. Someone being very angry at me for failing to do something or not living up to expectations. I'd do anything to avoid that. It's a flashback. A trigger. It reminds me about both of my parents.  It brings back memories and emotions of when they used to be disappointed in me and negatively judge me.  It hurt so much.

This is what I am really scared off. I don't want to be treated like that ever again. Ever!  I hated myself for being substandard. For not living up to their expectations. For being bad. For being not good enough. It was an isolating place to be. It made me ashamed of myself.

When my perfectionism fails to protect me, and my shame is triggered, it takes me back to that place where my parents made me feel bad to be me.

When I've tried to explain to others how mistakes make me feel, they usual reply "we all make mistakes" or "were t only human".  They don't understand what it feels like to be me. They don't know how painful it is for me to make a mistake.

This fear holds me prisoner. I'm scared to be me, scared someone will judge me and dislike me. Or I'm constantly filtering what I say and do to prevent offending someone or getting into trouble. I'm always monitoring myself and judging how far away I am from triggering a negative response from someone. I absolutely don't want someone to make me feel the way my parents made me feel.

When I go through a particularly rough time at work, I often start looking for a new job. But the one constant at every job is me.  I don't change, and the same situation happens.  Something will trigger that feeling in me.  So is there any point in moving jobs, when the problem is the programming in my head?

****Trigger warning suicide ideation****
Sometimes things will become overwhelming at  work, and I'll just have thoughts of not being here any more. The thought of not having those negative thoughts and feelings any more. Of not having to live those feelings that my parents put into me. Not disappointing someone.... Again. 

Those thoughts may seem out of proportion, but sometimes the thought of harming myself seem preferable to having those horrible feelings again.

Thankfully, I think of my family, and it's enough to keep me rational.

I keep on battling and carry on. But each time it less another little painful scar. And slowly it adds a little more pain each time I experience this.

Hi Snookiebookie,
I wanted to send you a hug  :hug: if that's ok.  I read what you wrote, and whilst I can't find words to say what I want to say just now, I wanted you to know that I related to a lot of what you've said here.

I'm glad that your supervisor was supportive of you.  Well done for getting through the day - it sounds like a challenging one. 

Hope  :)