Out of the Storm

New Journal

I'm moving forwards. I'm most definitely moving forwards and I no longer feel that I need to pressurise myself into doing therapy homework (or feel bad that I'm not doing it while expecting my own students to do their language homework) or pressurise myself into taking concrete steps. Because I now do those things automatically when the time is right, which isn't always right away.

One concrete way in which I can see that I'm moving forwards is telling myself to breathe and not panic about the fact that one of my adult students is stopping just before Christmas, my traumatised student is not coming at all atm and I don't know when she'll be restarting, another adult student is stopping in February and there are no new inquiries atm. Breathe. This situation comes up again and again. New inquiries will come, they always do. My new increased price is not the problem, so don't worry.

Btw my final post in my previous Journal contains some pretty important points. I may write there again regarding that topic and anybody is welcome to read it and post on it there.  :)

This sounds so encouraging and positive!  Congratulations on moving forwards, Blueberry  :cheer: :applause: :hug:

 :yeahthat:

Well done, Blueberry, and hooray for new journals!

Blueberry, your new turn reminds me of something I recently read. It suggested that mindfulness, often thought of as 'living in the moment', is actually more effective when considered as 'living in the movement'.

Everything's in constant movement, even though we stop for a moment at various times and places in life's trek. Especially regarding coming out of trauma, I tend to think of life as a long wilderness journey, with no maps.

So -- welcome to the new movement you're sensing. May it prove to be full of discoveries and insights as you continue the path towards wholeness.   :)

Quote from: Blueberry on November 12, 2020, 02:23:19 PM
I no longer feel that I need to pressurise myself into doing therapy homework . . . or pressurise myself into taking concrete steps. Because I now do those things automatically when the time is right, which isn't always right away.

Love the title and meaning for your new journal!

forwards feels so right for you, blueberry.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you everybody! I'm grinning from ear to ear ;D

The friend who drops by and helps me a little with cleaning she noticed today how much more motivated I am and she could sense the moving-forward-energy which was cool! To lots of people it wouldn't be immediately apparent. I'm not suddenly this super-focussed efficiently-working person... I think my face is more animated atm, my posture more upright. My voice may also sound more animated, the tone less monotonous maybe. I feel as if I'm bubbling with plans to move on and ideas to look into as well as having energy to deal with this that and the other like cleaning, tidying, rearranging some furniture, replying to some emails (fairly neutral ones, not FOO or anything). Sometimes so much is bubbling up, I don't even know where to start. There has been some of that today, but I'm getting better at - what's the word in English?? - directing the energy into the task I'm best capable of doing and/or most want to do in that moment rather than going internally crazed at the amount of energy but incapable of utilising it in that moment (or on that day, in those weeks...).

For the past couple of days I've been remembering a painting I did in art therapy probably in about 2003, done pretty quickly with a big brush and splodges of paint, painting my emotions rather than a picture. It turned out like a glass tumbler with little circles at the bottom which got bigger and moved higher and higher up the glass and went bubbling up and bursting into the air above the glass. I remember the art therapist and other patients commenting on the energy and the movement. Now it's come. Undoubtedly I've felt energy and movement like this before, just to much less of a degree. But still it amazes how much some part of me back then knew what potential I carry in me!

Today is a very slow can't-be-bothered sort of day. So this thread reminds me that I'm still moving forwards but need a little break today, a little rest.

Listening to yourself and what you need sounds like forward movement to me. For those of us who are learning to be attuned to our own needs and then act on the belief that we are worthy of self-care, it actually is a very big thing.

 :yeahthat:  you're doing great, blueberry!  :yes:  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you for pointing that out, notalone! I hadn't even thought of that.

I had a doc appt today at 9 am in the other part of town, with a long hill to cycle up. But I made it on time, early even :cheer: It was difficult getting out of bed and getting going. I didn't brush my hair, too much emotional effort combined with too little time after I'd finally got up. I didn't bother mentioning my unbrushed hair to my doc as proof of things not going too well atm. For me that's good because it means I was concentrating on bigger issues and especially my forwards progress. I did say I was a little down but I knew I'd come back up again and as of about an hour ago, I feel better motivated so that means I'm definitely on the way back up. It's a crucial phase though because a less than beneficial activity could tip me back into non-motivation.

I finally sent an email to FOO on: nope, no phone call. Maybe that's when my motivation rose back up to the surface? Yes, the inner head is nodding.

 :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Wishing you the best with this new journal, and I really like the title you've chosen for it.  'Moving Forwards' - it is a great title, and very meaningful.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug:           Atm I feel as if I'm stagnating. Or maybe better tripping myself up so I can't move forwards? No actually, I did once discover that this "tripping myself up" thing is what has been suggested to me by people including therapists who are trying to hurry me along and who don'T get an answer from me on what's going on so they come up with this 'logical' explanation. Except the results of cptsd are not logical ime. They may have been a logical consequence when I developed them as a child but since then I've spend decades applying them in other instances and it's if they've taken on a life of their own.

Maybe I'm simply expecting too much of myself atm? Not that I'm doing much. Not at all. It's hard to push myself through the simplest tasks. Took my meds, showered and washed my hair. Gave my pets some hay. Cleaned out about 10% of their massive accommodation. Just sent an important email. It's 3pm.

Well, it's 9:45 and I've had my tea and breakfast, all my meds incl. Vit D, have washed my office windows and also some glass doors etc (communal areas) and also my Plexiglas divider in office, so that's better than yesterday anyway. I was still in bed this time yesterday. Oh, I also did a little tidying, very little, but still every little bit helps me get back on track.

Last night I at least started rough drafts of emails to my ll and I confirmed a further step with the guy who did my window decals and who is now working on a sign for me on the building front. I also wrote a Highly Recommended / Could list for today, something I hadn't done for about 10 days.

For whatever reasons I couldn't write Joys and Things to be Grateful For last night though I thought it would do me good. I haven't written them for what seems like weeks now. Maybe it's not that long idk. I mostly wrote them in my paper Journal. So here goes:

I feel Grateful that I have good friends who are checking in on me atm, mostly via email and phone. But sometimes also dropping by with things like homemade apple juice, jam, and greens for my pets.

I feel Joy that two separate friends sent me a homemade Advent calendar - a type I've never had before. It's a box with 24 little packets or envelopes, numbered for each day. I know that each friend will have put a lot of thought and creativity into it and friendship too.

I feel Joy that a couple of plants are still blooming in my garden, despite the frosts at night. Idk how the plants are managing but they are. I've been able to pick some low-growing plants for my pets too.

I feel Grateful that my pets seem less fussy eaters atm. Maybe they feel grateful for the remains of some garden greens before winter so eat what they'd normally leave?

Your friends sound lovely, Blueberry. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop :)

A few years ago I really worked on forming friendships. It was part of my plan to put down roots in this country which some Ts told me was really really important if I was going to continue contact with FOO. Contact with FOO is pretty low but the friendships are still there  :)

____________________________
I'm stabilising again and moving forwards better. One thing I've noticed today is that I needed to do things and run errands from various aspects of life, so not all business-related. But also - new and important realisation - I need to do some self-care before I can continue care of my pets other than feeding. They do need to be cleaned out beyond the 10% or whatever it was that I did yesterday? the day before? but I couldn't start before doing a fair number of tasks for myself. In fact I haven't started yet.

The image I have in general today is of a tree that has been cut back on the trunk (so not just pruned branches the way you would normally do) and where the cut is all sorts of twigs / small branches are sprouting but they are all more or less the same length. I've had this image off and on for quite a few years. The twigs used to grow exactly the same length and thickness, now there is some differentiation. Still, the meaning seems to be I can't rush forwards in one area and leave all other areas behind.

I'm stabilising a bit more again. Things felt easier today in general than yesterday or the day before.
I had therapy this morning so that did help. However this evening I got on with some marketing for my business. Fairly low-grade stuff, but I've never done it before that I can think of so it's totally new and good to start small. I have ideas for more of that bent which I'll try and do tomorrow.

My pets' living quarters are 80% clean now so I feel better about that too.

In T this morning I was feeling into a bit of anger towards ll and my business neighbour and releasing it very gradually without letting the emotions overwhelm me. It was a useful exercise which helped me feel my inner strength and showed me that I can resort to feeling anger and showing an inner strength when I need it e.g. when dealing with ll. With practice this inner strength will be recognisable to others and it won't be quite so easy for them to just ignore me or simply say 'No' to a reasonable request e.g. I'd like my own compost bin for municipal collection (as opposed to my compost container in the garden).

well done, blueberry! :thumbup:  i love that you now have a way of allowing anger to be expressed when you need to.  i know this ll issue has been long-running.  anything you can do to help you with it, i'm all for it.  it exhausts me (in spirit) that you have to continually deal with this over and over.  i truly hope from my heart that this can eventually get resolved.

hang tough, blueberry!  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san! :hug: Yes, you're right - the ll issue is so long-running. I still haven't heard back from him on the compost bin so I'll be sending a reminder email next week. Phoning may be more effective but if I write I have a record of what I wrote when, until I do phone because he's been ignoring me. I'll see how long it takes for him to respond. It is exhausting, although it feels less exhausting now I imagine because of the work I did in T on Thursday. It was processing work, as well as finding a way to tap anger w/o overwhelming myself.

I've just come onto my computer now. I actually wanted to open up my email and instead came right here and started reading recent posts of other mbrs. Nothing wrong with that per se but my reason for starting up my computer was a different one. So it's good I noticed and stopped reading around :thumbup: What made me stop was realising I don't have the energy to respond even though I wanted to. That may mean something in me is stopping the energy going onto something that I hadn't been planning to do. Checking emails, maybe even writing a few - these are things I need to do today or tomorrow. Some of the ones I've been intending to do 'soon' are quite important ones. e.g. business stuff, products and services I want to inquire about before the end of the year. Prices are going up here in January for various reasons, makes sense to invest in more up-to-date software and other computer stuff like that, functioning phones, help with both computer and phone installation beforehand! Then there are things like waterproof jacket and new bike gaiters for wet, snowy weather which I really need, as well as other non-business stuff like that, though I don't need to write any emails about them.

I am moving forwards again. A friend is still helping me with cleaning once a week. On Friday after she left I continued cleaning in spots she hadn't been able to reach because of my mess. Needless to say I cleared up at least some of the mess too. Today I cleared my kitchen window-ledge and then washed it and the window. The window is still a bit streaky I see especially on the outside but I did it and some dirt is certainly gone, the inside is certainly clean. So that feels good and will every time I see my window, despite the streaks.

I have quite a few ideas bubbling around of things I'd like to do. One is write little cards or notes for friends expressing how much I appreciate their friendship and how much and in what ways they have been there for me this year and are continuing, along with Advent and/or Christmas wishes, as appropriate. The idea makes me feel happy; it feels much better than the 'I have to send Xmas cards'. Not that I force myself to do that anymore to tons of people but I do try to some people including some FOO mbrs like my niece or my uncle or a cousin once removed who usually sends me a card. I don't send them even to those FOO mbrs every year, but I just notice my energy disappears at the thought. There's some feeling of obligation there rather than that I want to, except for my niece maybe - that's difficult for other reasons. Anyway, my idea feels much better, kind of like when I write my lists of Joys or Things to be Grateful for. But also 'No stress!' I say to myself. If I manage just one or two then that's what I manage and that's fine. I also feel that it involves me moving a bit further off the forum - doing things for my friends IRL. Of course, I'm not leaving the forum, but it's good to feel that I'm taking up more of real life. Expanding into the real world. I hope mbrs know what I mean because I can't find the correct words for it.

I felt inspired by something Sceal wrote in her Journal (thanks Sceal!) and went on to send a reminder email to ll about my new compost bin and then I wrote a rough draft for an email on the Other Business' Toilet Problem, which I haven't been able to get on with for weeks. My T suggested a rough draft to lower the perfectionist bar and to allow me to write everything unfettered that came into my mind. It's too long and I've actually already removed a few sentences. I'll do more in the next couple of days. Last time I spoke to T less than a week ago I said I couldn't even begin to write - I had no words. Now the words are mostly there :thumbup: :cheer:

I'm doing well atm with tidying and sorting and throwing things out in my apartment. Mostly papers. It feels really good. I've been putting off or not wanting to do that particular stack for months. But suddenly I was able to get on with it, on Sunday maybe, or maybe it was just yesterday, Monday. When I'm in an active, moving forwards phase days can seem very long in a good way.

My streaky kitchen window looks better despite being streaky.

Yesterday I made a suggestion to the leaders of a club I'm in about what we could do this month instead of our Christmas Party, which is cancelled due to Corona. I think my idea is quite good but I still felt unsure about whether the leaders would agree and whether anybody else would be interested or if I'd get a bunch of emails or phone calls finding all sorts of things wrong with my suggestion. But the leaders took kindly to my suggestion and have forwarded to all members. So far two members want to take part. I'm sure I will hear some more responses soon. Anyway I feel buoyed up with the leaders, who have a lot of experience in what club members might or might not be willing to do, liking my idea and encouraging others to join in.

I know it's often counterproductive for us to keep back feelings like anger or sadness or emotional pain or whatever it is we weren't allowed to express 'back then', so it's a step forward when you can express them. For me it's also a big step forward to potentially expose myself to ridicule, criticism or just plain being ignored or even swept aside, by coming up with an idea and sharing it. It's taking initiative, something that FOO especially B1 and M didn't want and so treated me in such way that I hardly ever expressed it. If I did, I got a lot of really nasty ridicule, so mostly I kept it to myself. The damage wrought by that was so long term! :thumbdown: It's just now that I'm beginning to move out of it. Anyway, my idea for what we could do instead of a Christmas Party is a step towards healing. Not the first time I've taken initiative, but I note it's still difficult. But when I do do it, then a burst of energy comes, which then helps me move on with other things.

 :cheer:     :applause:

Thanks for your validation, notalone :) :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on December 02, 2020, 01:26:29 AM
I went on to send a reminder email to ll about my new compost bin

This morning ll sent a read confirmation, as he did last time. No quick response like: Thx, I'll deal next week / in Jan... Just: Read. End of.  So this week I'm going to fill the communal compost bin with whatever I have. I'm not putting it in my non-compost refuse sacks because that's not where organic waste belongs, especially not the amount I have. Also I am worried about running out of the special municipal refuse sacks and buying additional ones is costly and I mean really costly to the tune of 5 euros per sack. But also having to divide my organic waste up into different types of refuse is time-consuming for me and cleaning out my pets' living quarters is strenuous enough as it is. Yeah so, I'm going to up the ante so to speak. Maybe then ll will hear from others in the building about no space left in the compost bin. Though I doubt it will happen fast. More likely a couple of my neighbours will complain to me first and then refuse to notify ll of too little compost bin capacity, saying it's my problem, my job (as usual in this building). Though two other neighbours contribute a lot to the compost bin as well. However I feel strong for having made this decision. :thumbup:

I've just found out that a friend I had contact with on Saturday has been tested positive. We were both outside and both had cloth masks. Still, I'm running possible points of physical contact thru my head. We both touched a specific plant that was in the garden. I can't be 100% sure we didn't touch the same spot. I also know I touched some specific appliance after her. Not immediately afterwards, but nonetheless afterwards without disinfecting.

I feel a bit annoyed at my friend for not saying she had more problems than a headache and that she'd been having something off and on for a few weeks which she didn't think could be a Covid symptom. Turns out it can be.

I'm more annoyed at myself for not being super, super meticulous. I hope I don't have the virus. I'm soooo tired.

No symptoms, no test. The doc's receptionist I phoned said the chances of me having caught Covid is very very slight. She intimated she can understand me feeling anxious but she wouldn't be worried personally.

I just think: it's not worth the risk of potentially infecting someone else. Let's eliminate 1% danger or 5% danger or whatever it is exactly by avoiding activities that involve a risk. Like going shopping or talking to people outside. You can have the virus and be asymptomatic. That's what I'm worried about - infecting somebody else! When I think about it carefully, I probably won't be going down with it myself in a day or two. I usually come down fast and hard with whatever bug is going round and I haven't gone down yet. But the shock and fright that I might have - that's what hit me today and yesterday.

Is it important to do some shopping before the prices go up again in January? No. It's certainly not more important than staying healthy and protecting others. There's lots of stuff I could be doing in my apartment and office too.

Should I be protecting the others in my building and so not leave my apartment? That's a harder one for me to answer. For the sake of the health care service and all the people my neighbours come into contact with, yes. otoh I don't feel much obligation towards my neighbours because none of them seem to take it seriously. Nobody other than me wears a mask in the entrance way, stairwell etc. Most don't even try to keep 1.5 m distance, though some try for 1 meter. It does go somewhat against the grain and/or my feelings of fairness to curtail my own activities for people who don't otherwise give a toss about my health or the health of my students.

Also living on my own and not leaving my apartment means I can't access my office and I can't empty any of my apartment garbages. I don't have capacity for tons of the latter in my apartment, certainly can't hold out for 10 days. As for the office, I need it to continue working which I want to do as long as I'm not ill. I note I'm getting very tired again. Just like yesterday evening when writing about this.

Hi Blueberry,
Interesting that the doc's receptionist said she wouldn't be worried personally - I wonder if that's really the case, as it must be difficult to put oneself in another person's shoes, but I guess she was trying to reassure you.   I very much hope that you're ok, and I can tell that you've experienced some shock and some fright about the situation.  I wanted to send you a hug of support -  :hug:  maybe there's another person you can ask for advice from?  Other than the doc's receptionist? 

I hope you can get some rest, as you mentioned feeling very tired again.
Take care,
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,
Thanks for replying and for your hugs of support. I've since had news from a Corona person in the health care service. He said if I hadn't gone down with it within 2 days, not to worry. An adult student of mine suggested waiting till Saturday, which is today. I still don't have any symptoms so assuming I'm clear. I do think they change their tune a bit depending on who exactly you speak to and how infection rates are in general.

I think a little bit of shock and fright was a good thing. It reminds me that this thing is a serious matter and just because there is a certain number of people treating it all as if the regulations are optional, doesn't mean I shouldn't go back to taking it really, really seriously. As in: not getting Coronavirus is the most important thing atm and going forwards for months.

Well, I'm really tired again so either I'm thirsty or tired of sitting at the computer. I did do some work though :thumbup: For some reason, I get waves of tiredness when writing on here about Corona. I don't know whether it's fear I'm not feeling or what :Idunno:

 :) Good to hear you may at least not e in any danger zone, for the moment.

Your situation got me to thinking, though, about how in some respects covid-19 bears similarities to how C-ptsd works. Which is -- they are both unpredictable. And how the only thing we can do is to find out how best to move forwards, as you're doing on both counts.

Yes, there's hope for treatments, but in the end we also have to utilize the best self-care we can along a rocky route to, if not a cure, at least meaningful healing.

Anyway, good to hear you're okay so far and hope you can continue in a safe manner.  :hug:

Thank you woodsgnome :)

It's interesting the correlation you see between cptsd and covid. I think you're right too. I just hadn't thought that far before.

I'm very lucky today. It's St. Nicholas' Day and a friend brought me a Livinguard mask which is way more effective for the wearer (and everybody round about) than the reusable cloth ones I've been using up until now, which have to be washed after every use. This new one only needs to be washed once a month. Life is going to get easier e.g. I'll feel OK about using buses again, which is good because I have to go to the vet's in the other part of town and was thinking it's not the best weather to be transporting a guinea pig on a cargo bike. What if I skidded? / slipped on ice / snow? I'll also be able to get some much-needed new clothes at various shops including one good one where the warmer winter clothes are massively reduced in price. I can maybe dare to go to church again too, which I have missed.

But otoh not go berserk and pretend everything is normal because it's not. Hygiene measures like frequent hand-washing remain important.

Blueberry, I don't have anything to add, but just want to send my support and care.

Blueberry, I just wanted to come by and send you my support. I'm always proud of you for all the work you've been doing to stand up for yourself. Sending you my hugs and love  :hug:
Also, great that you found this mask. Thankful that it will make life a bit easier for you. :)

Thank you notalone and marta!  :)  :hug: :hug:

I can feel your support and care and love. It's doing me really good this morning where I'm feeling the Monday morning blahs or probably actually it's a day I need to take slowly. There's so much on my Highly Recommended / Could list this morning. So I have to remind myself that it really is Could. It's not Must. It's not even Recommended. It is simply Could, for if I have the wherewithal. The Highly Recommended part are those things that keep me stable on a day-to-day basis and hardly ever varies. Things that would keep me stable but that I can't manage regularly don't go on this list, e.g. being in bed by midnight.

Now I remember an old 'slogan' of mine on moving forwards or at least not falling back: What is the easiest, most beneficial activity I could do now?
Certainly not roaming around the Internet.

In this case, turn computer off and go and have some breakfast and tea and then my meds.

After breakfast, tea and meds I read for a while and fell asleep. But in the afternoon I did quite a few things off my Could list like teaching, but also phoning a few places like the vet's for an appointment and my doc for a blood draw appointment. I still feel as if I have done nothing today. So I don't know what is triggering that. Yesterday was such a good day too. I was so lively yesterday! Oh well. This phase will pass too.

It's good to remind myself that I stall in certain areas for a reason. One reason is to prevent the emotional overload that a particular area is likely to trigger (like letter to my landlord) and another big reason is to prevent general emotional overload which can itself trigger a feeling of physical overload where I don't even get out of bed in the morning. Or I catch a cold just because. So it's OK to take a break!!

I went to bed super early last night and woke up at about 2am because of a double nightmare. The second part was being at my parents' with the familiar theme of me being pushed around and me also trying to leave, trying to strike out on my own. The first part was terrible. TW PA!!!



I had killed the baby next door. I thought about the mother and felt very sad for her and I also thought about the upcoming court case and wondered what I'd say because I had no idea how I'd done it. I was drawing a complete blank. I just knew it had been violent and intentional. The parents are not people I have problems with btw

End TW

The moving forwards part is that I knew as soon as I woke up that it had been a dream, not reality. I didn't react in any way afterwards. Despite my fairly short night, I didn't really feel tired and atm I don't feel incapable of getting on with today's Highly Recommended/Could list. In fact there's even a Must at the top of it all. I absolutely have to be a somebody's house at 7:15 to tell her I don't need xyz after all. I couldn't find her phone number in all my chaos yesterday. Paradoxically because I did some tidying recently and the strip of paper it was written on was among the things I tidied up. But where to?? Obviously not anywhere logical like my little address book. Being confused and incapable of finding something that's possibly right under my nose is also a sign of an EF for me so makes sense for yesterday too. Oh well, a nice early morning winter walk or cycle will force me to get some fresh air and a spot of exercise, both of which I need.

Apparently I wasn't really over it. After my early morning cycle, I had my breakfast and meds and went and lay down for hours shivering under a blanket but also sleeping. I had written 'take it easy' on my Could list, so it was legitimate to do so.

I did do a few active things on my Could list like collect apples and pears from the place where I can and took my bike to a bike mechanic's to get it set up for winter. I still feel as if I have accomplished 'nothing'. Beyond that, I need to get the bus tomorrow early-ish and I'm still hesitating about getting my new safer mask out of its packaging and putting it on. It's a problem I have: being/feeling really wary of anything unknown, especially when my hands could be involved - getting things out of packets, working with tools, cooking, cleaning. As usual when I write things become clearer.

This feeling wary seems to be what has kept me up surfing around on the Internet instead of going to bed. My inner head is nodding, so that's what it is. A kind of dread. The wary feeling is visceral too, in my hands. It's good I'm writing about it because that's made me realise it's not silly. Before I came on here I was feeling silly, but also remembering I've reminded other members on here that they are not silly, it's trauma. That applies in my case too.

Sending you my support and a hug, Blueberry. I hope your day went ok  :hug: And I agree with your inner self, it is not silly. I'm sorry you've been made to believe that. Trauma is painful and not silly at all.

Thank you marta :hug: My day went OK considering. I was able to put my mask on and it does work better than the ones I have had until now. I got to the vet's on time and then in the early evening I got to my doc in time for a blood draw. I started yawning like crazy just before and during the blood draw but I couldn't feel what was wrong.

My day went OK as I said but I feel rather desperate and overwhelmed. At the vet's I was told that my FurBaby is in pretty bad pain so the choice is get her put to sleep or painkillers daily for life. Painkillers it is. Along with antibiotics every day for 8 weeks. The latter seem to taste quite good (they smell sweetish) but the painkiller sure doesn't smell nice and FurBaby turns away. Then there's an additional medicine which apparently tastes really bad. I don't want my little FurBaby to suffer and I also don't want to get her put to sleep because she's actually quite active. Despite deformed front paws, she scampers about. She also still likes to eat. However I do know that in previous years having chronically sick FurBabies who needed medication regularly or even daily took a lot out of me.

Then I read that we're probably going down into hard lockdown again in January so that's rather worrying. Will I have to close my business again? Not all my students have Skype, especially the younger ones and the older ones. Of course the health of the nation is more important than anything else. Still, it feels unsettling today.

I've just had therapy where we worked on 3 or 4 different topics including ll till we got to the biggie at almost the end: my reluctance to take exercise in the form of just going for a walk or something like that. Mostly involved exhaling gently and feeling what seemed to be going on in my body like a tightness in chest and heaviness in throat and yawning and yawning, then having this tightness and heaviness move up and out into my hands, my hands taking on the pain I couldn't feel before and then shaking it out. Then at the end I remembered one really good development and one really good fact which I had forgotten about. I forget the good stuff so easily.

Good development: For the past few years I've known that I won't be kicked out of my present country after the UK leaves the EU. I'm a British citizen but live in a continental EU country and could only get citizenship if they decided to make an exception. Otherwise I earn way too little, have way too little pension coming my way and healthwise there's no way I can just go and get a normal job rather than my pretty shaky freelance stuff so no citizenship of this country according to the usual criteria. But I have nothing on paper despite knowing ( a lawyer told me originally). Since Jan. 1st is coming up fast, I phoned to inquire at the local Foreigners Office. I still don't have anything on paper but they were so helpful and friendly. They pulled up my file and confirmed what the lawyer had said and went even further, saying the length of time I've been here in this country, I'll have almost the same rights as the nationals of this country :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:   For me it's so essential to feel a sense of belonging and a sense that the rug ISN'T going to suddenly be pulled out from under my feet.

They also explained that they haven't got back to me yet because of the continuing talks at the EU level. That's good to know - they haven't forgotten me or lost my file. There's still this part in me that fears being blamed - Why didn't you get back to us when we didn't get back to you??!? Now it's all your fault you're being deported. If you'd only acted properly way before this! Too bad now.    To be fair I have encountered that kind of attitude before in this country and of course growing up in FOO, but NTS just because it has happened two times before in this country approx 25 and 20 years ago and also once in inpatient therapy (Grr!) doesn't mean it will again!

Good fact: I really don't have to worry about the probable hard lockdown coming in January and probable lack of income. I have got so much financial help coming from friends and also FOO has just agreed to send me some too that I can get by easily. The other thing that's always a slight worry is some official person from Health Insurance or Tax Office or somewhere like that coming along and saying, your little business is obviously a sham because you put more money in than you get out of it, close down now. But they're hardly likely to do that in the current crisis.

So even more reason to write 3 Good Things Today and that kind of thing, whether here or in my paper Journal. To not forget these developments and realisations.

Hi Blueberry,
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: to hear that you have the same rights as the nationals in the country you're living in currently.  Having a sense of belonging, that is wonderful.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope :hug: :) Not quite the same, but similar. It's a huge relief. The reports in the news aren't too encouraging rn so good to hear that the UK's change in status won't cause me a problem!

I feel a bit strange physically. It could be a cold coming on. It could be Corona of course. I hope not. But if I disappear for a while it's because of that most likely and that my Internet connection is in my office which I can't get into without leaving my apartment which I most likely shouldn't do if I have Corona. 

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you feel better soon, and I hope you are able to get some rest and recuperate from whatever it is that's making you feel like that.  Fingers crossed that it isn't Coronavirus. 

:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Thank you for your good wishes Hope :hug:  I slept late this morning, so must have needed the rest, and then was able to get up so I think it must have been something psychosomatic. Maybe with a touch of a cold coming. But not Corona. I have been reading up on the differences between colds and the flu so basing on that. I've been out and about today, getting on with the most important things before mega-lockdown on Wed.

Hey BB, I wanted to pop by and send you my hugs :hug: I'm sorry you've been feeling ill these past few days, sending you a blanket full of warmth. :)

Thank you marta! :) :hug:  I'm actually feeling good again except that I'm pretty tired this evening. But I got a lot done today.

It's not that long ago that I could not have run around the way I did today: buying things I need, e.g. trousers and a waterproof jacket, which are massively on sale, and running other errands that needed to be completed by 6-7 pm. As of tomorrow it's hard lockdown. I don't feel up to doing much more tonight, but tomorrow's another day.

And tomorrow is yet another day since I don't feel I was too productive today. There's quite a lot I need to get done by Friday, all things that tend to be mentally / intellectually stressful e.g. finally handing all my relevant papers from 2019 to the accountant.  :doh:

otoh being this reluctant to even sort them and then hand them in is connected to a remark made by the accountant some other time I was there collecting my completed tax forms. She knows I have long-term health issues though she doesn't know what but still she felt it necessary to point out to me that my income was really reduced that year because my expenses were higher - I'd spent a 3-figure sum on one form of advertising. So heaven knows what she's going to say about 2020, though it's not those documents I haven't got in yet. It's not even her business! It's not as if her comments are useful in any way. When I'm ready, which doesn't seem to be yet, I'll do a round of two of EFT on it: "I accept and forgive myself although the accountant / my mother questioned my spending." OK, "my mother" just slipped in there rn so that connection makes at least one reason clear for my brain fog re: getting my papers to the accountant.

Another task I'm trying to finish is a little present for my niece and goddaughter. Originally for her birthday almost 2 years ago but... It's so difficult. Not really but it is for me. I'm translating a little book for her - there's not much text at all but in awkward places to stick the translation. In fact the translation is long since finished, just not sticking it in the little book. I know somebody flying to the same continent as my niece in a few days who is going to take it for me. The price of any mail other than letters and postcards to that continent has gone sky-high due to Corona. I thought having a set deadline (this evening originally) would help me get on with it. Apparently not.

Well, there are a couple of other little presents going in the same parcel, long overdue as well and then that'll be it. I know that here too the difficulties are to do with trauma and FOO and everything. It is sad but I'm in the course of finally deciding that my self and my well-being have priority over godmother duties toward my goddaughter. A long time ago on OOTF I wrote about this and a couple of members there pointed out that obviously any contact with FOO was really detrimental to me and self-care would indicate it would be best to put energy towards friends and their children not any FOO. One reason being - FOO is dysfunctional and there's no guarantee that my niece won't swallow the FOO line of "Blueberry causes all the problems in the family" and all that. I don't want to write any more examples, it makes me too sad :'(  Or rather probably it hurts too much.

This post has taken quite some time. I'm listening to a CD of children's songs over and over again and I've been getting up to dance around. That means there are pretty small inner children around atm. Dancing around to music can help me integrate something - Idk what even atm - and depending on what kind of music I want is a good indicator of approximate age that needs soothing.

Blueberry, I'm sorry your accountant felt the need to comment on your personal finances, as you said, this is none of her business. I completely understand (though in different situations) when people overstep my boundaries and give their comment on my way of doing things or something done in the past. It is not their business. Nobody asked for their personal views on my life.
I'm sorry you've been struggling with the gift making  and the fact that your niece might give into the FOO line. I wish I could do something more, but I hope a big warm hug and lots of support will be enough  :hug: Maybe hanging out on the Healing Porch might be fun, if you'd want to. We can look out at the sky and sit in big lounge chairs, and talk about whatever you want. Or maybe just sit in silence and peace. I hope you're feeling better today  :hug:  :hug:

Thank you so much marta!  :hug:

Feel a need to communicate with somebody before I get going on my work.

Some Good Things:
I dropped a couple of little things off about town and walked as much as possible in the sun. I felt it warming me :) And a little leg stretch and fresh air is helpful before I sit down at a confusing and non-enjoyable task (sorting papers for the accountant).

The other business neighbour who never wears a mask unless he has customers reacted fairly appropriately to my upheld hand indicating: stand back / distance yourself :thumbup: It was shared space and I was in it before he was. He bowed which is silly because distancing isn't about me, it's about getting the country's infection rate way, way down again. But he didn't swear or get aggressive or tell me to back out the door again, if I had a problem :thumbup:

Yesterday evening, uh well this morning, I finished making the gift for my niece. It took a lot of time and a lot of dancing around to nursery rhymes but I managed :cheer:

Hi Blueberry,

It's great that you finished making the gift for your niece, and I hope she'll enjoy it.   :cheer:

When you mentioned the warming sun, I felt some of the warmth! 

Sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :) :hug:

I spent most of the day in bed, hiding basically. I don't even know what's wrong. Probably something is moving internally. It's OK to just stay in bed. I didn't give my little pet her medicine for 3 days or take most of my own either.  That is less good to state the obvious. I gave her her medicine today and I can tell by her behaviour that she is doing better.

I feel like blowing an internal fuse. Better to feel carefully into what's going on than to actually blow a fuse.

hey, blueberry, i know it's been quite a while since i've popped in.  unfortunately, too many things running around my head too often.

first and foremost, i hope you're not truly ill.  sending healing energy your way.

so, lockdown.  i can't send enough support for the care you take with all this.  you are a wonderful inspiration, even tho it's been hard and harder to do so as the months of this have dragged on.  well done.   :thumbup:

the idea of taking that slow break for yourself - i can truly relate.  i'm finding it a tough one to overcome.  best to you with it.  just breathing and being aware of you, your body, your being - whew!  all that attention, in a good way, on oneself.  it's kind of scary.

keep taking care of you, ok?  you're always in my heart, even if i don't make it here as often as before.  c-ptsd stinks!  love and hugs :hug:

I hadn't been expecting this really, but I'm feeling down and rather self-destructive. I'm not going to do anything out of the ordinary to myself. It is how it is.

Some good things: I did bother myself to go for a little walk around town; I took my medicine and gave my pet hers. Phoned a couple of people to wish them a Happy Christmas or as good as possible in the circumstances. Watched some Christmas Eve church services but felt I just couldn't be bothered even though the services catered to the world we live in today. But it's good I watched at all.

Blueberry, what you have done is a lot. I say, listening to your body and getting out of bed is already a step. I'm also wishing you everything good and care and love for you  :hug:  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 23, 2020, 06:02:03 PM
hey, blueberry, i know it's been quite a while since i've popped in.  unfortunately, too many things running around my head too often.

first and foremost, i hope you're not truly ill.  sending healing energy your way.

so, lockdown.  i can't send enough support for the care you take with all this.  you are a wonderful inspiration, even tho it's been hard and harder to do so as the months of this have dragged on.  well done.   :thumbup:

the idea of taking that slow break for yourself - i can truly relate.  i'm finding it a tough one to overcome.  best to you with it.  just breathing and being aware of you, your body, your being - whew!  all that attention, in a good way, on oneself.  it's kind of scary.

keep taking care of you, ok?  you're always in my heart, even if i don't make it here as often as before.  c-ptsd stinks!  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san! :hug: I'm not reading any mbrs' journals as much as I used to. Not your's, not anybody's. It's a sign of healing and progress, focussing more on me, even when I don't seem to be doing so at all. So you may be doing the same. I do have the impression when I read or catch snippets of your Journal that you're doing a lot of hard work both in healing and irl e.g. editing. I also notice how much Covid is taking a toll on you - how many people you know directly affected. That's got to be really hard! I just know of 2 people who've tested positive and a few in quarantine till it turned out they weren't positive. That's quite enough for me though.

I wasn't ill, it was just a sort of 24 hour respite I needed. I used to need 2 weeks, so I would be holed up with a really bad cold verging on flu for that time.

Thank you marta for your good wishes and pointing out what beneficial activity I've done for myself!  :hug:

I was expecting more of myself I suppose. Also on the 23rd I was already feeling shakey since people around me were being so kind! Dropping by with little gifts like candles with poems attached in my letter box or passed through the window. I was feeling undeserving of this attention: if only they knew what chaos there is in my apartment and in my office, oh man! I was thinking of ignoring Christmas somewhat and filing papers instead, but mostly I've been lying in bed reading and standing up to eat from time to time because there are no clean tables. A little while ago I did finally start on some tidying though.

I read somewhere today about getting through hard lockdown and one suggestion was to lay some rails down before you go off the rails. Good idea! That's what my Highly Recommended and Could lists are all about. Sometimes I don't seem to be able to write them though. Some friends invited me for afternoon tea today. I declined but said I'd go for a walk with them, if they liked which they did. That was enough to get me out of the house for a bit. So a little bit of rail-laying  :thumbup:

My own actions in early December were enough to help me through some of Christmas. I made a suggestion to a group of people and ended up with 4 presents to open. This seems to be called Secret Santa. One is the book I've been reading off and on. I remember now that I really like something new to read at Christmas time.

At best I've been hibernating. Sleeping, reading, dozing. Getting up to do things then not having the wherewithal somehow so going back to my sofa to read and doze some more. It's been kind of nice secreted away like this. But I also feel lazy and my ICr has been having a bit of a go at me.

I miss the farm. Normally I'd do a bit of work there in the Christmas holidays. That would get me back on track a bit. But we're in pretty hard lockdown. I could go but it's too risky for me, too many people work there. There are always some people who don't take social distancing as seriously as we're meant to.

It seems pretty quiet here. I hope that means everybody is doing as well as possible in the circumstances.  :)

 :hug: to you Blueberry. 

Hope  :)

Hi Blueberry, I haven't been on the forum for awhile. Just wanted to send you a caring hug.  :hug:

Thank you notalone! I really needed the hug and care the day you sent it :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 23, 2020, 06:02:03 PM
so, lockdown.  i can't send enough support for the care you take with all this.  you are a wonderful inspiration, even tho it's been hard and harder to do so as the months of this have dragged on.  well done.   :thumbup:

Thank you! It's doing me really good to read this today! I suppose it's my ICr who goes flailing about sometimes/often about me being gullible enough to stick to rules etc. Yes, as soon as the word "gullible" crops up, it's clear. That's what M said to me once or in fact to the whole family at dinner "With a child as gullible as Blueberry..." I could stay on a logical, rational, intellectual level (like FOO) and refute that as I've been doing for years in my head or I could feel a little bit into the pain and grieve for my 11 / 12 yo self who had to endure such hateful words and emotions from M with zero support for me from F.

Rant at myself: What are you doing to get back on track?? Nothing.
What would T ask now?: What emotion do you feel? Sadness. Hurt.

What to do with that? I don't know. Though I 'should'. I've been dealing with cptsd long enough. (Is that you again, ICr.? Certainly not my T who says things like that.)

I could allow the sadness and hurt just to be. I'm frightened of allowing them to speak.  :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: That's how I feel about everything atm. Then the less you do about the piles, the worse they get. Well, I'm going for a little walk with friends before evening curfew. Not good enough friends to say all this too though. I know they'd try and help but it wouldn't help. 

Just noting for myself that I have done a few concrete activities today e.g. wrote a few long-overdue personal emails. Better than nothing. I also cleared one stack of paper off the floor.

Sending you a hug Blueberry  :hug:
Sometimes you just have to accept you are where you are ..& that IS OK

...but tomorrow is a new moment ..see you then  :heythere:

I know how hard writing those e-mails can be. I hope you can allow yourself to say "F&#% Yeah! I did it!" in regards to those e-mails, and be content that you got that off your plate.

Thank you Bluegem  :hug:   Trying to accept it. Feel like I'm stagnating rather than moving forwards. Remind myself that this too will pass. I think I should be putting more active steps into making it pass. There's that should again that's never helpful for me.

Quote from: Sceal on January 02, 2021, 02:57:37 PM
I hope you can allow yourself to say "F&#% Yeah! I did it!" in regards to those e-mails, and be content that you got that off your plate.

Not really. I'm not feeling so it's hard to muster up any degree of energy. But thanks anyway since there's no way you could know ;)

_________________________________

I'm not sure that major depression is a comorbidity in my case. I think it's a huge symptom. A way I learnt to use very early on to not feel and then used later to not act, to not do. I feel like saying: yeah, I know all that trauma stuff, all that past stuff but it's time I got my act together, picked myself up and got on with the basics e.g. looking after my pets adequately, took my own meds (that is very basic), drank water or tea, showered and/or washed my hair. But I just go and lie down on my bed again and do zero or doze and fall asleep again.

I've done so much therapy on battling depression. And atm I just don't care!! :blowup: :blowup: :blowup:
M drops by saying "Well obviously you do care." Atm I can't even muster the energy to put FOO behind a black screen of bulletproof glass. So that means I can't muster the energy to protect myself. I think back to an old T who told me my energy shows in those words "I don't care!" Now when I think about that, back to that old T of about 20 years ago, I feel moved and touched and kind of sad. I suppose normally when someone says "I don't care" you would expect an energy-less voice. You'll probably hear that from me too but you can draw the energy out of me, as that T did in the past.

Another few things that T said to me which are probably true and mostly help me are that a) I'll most likely have to take care of my psyche for life (similarily my current T has said things will get easier but not easy) and b) she stressed the importance of habit-changing decisions as of NOW not as of tomorrow. But as soon as I leave the computer I tend to throw all that overboard and go back to my sofa. Well it's good that I at least took the time to write on here because that way I'm doing a little self-care. My thoughts are going a beneficial way briefly at least.

I also wondered while writing further back about what energy there might be in the "I don't care" that manifests itself in my leaving things lying around, like all those books lying around on the floor next to my sofa (bed atm) not to mention hairs after I've pulled them out etc. If they were somebody else's I'd feel absolutely disgusted. It's just as well I live alone.

It sounds like you are having a hard few days right now and I hope in a day or two you will find the energy to move forward a little even if that's just clearing the books up  :bigwink:

I hate the word 'should' it is so full of judgement  - usually about ourselves.
I prefer to 'could' (or can or choose) but I am not always successful.

sending you a hug Blueberry  :hug:

Thank you Bluegem for your caring response :hug:  You're right, "should" is full of judgement mostly of myself, which is why it isn't good for me but I lapse into it when not careful.

I did do some  beneficial things today e.g. I gave my little pet her meds finally and cleaned the worst out of her massive living quarters. Now at this moment I can remind myself that when cleaning it out seems like a massive chore, then I'm in an EF.

I read some in both my Pete Walker books and filled in information in Tool Boxes at the back of one of these books. That's writing things like Achievements, Friends, Childhood Friends, Teachers and a whole lot more. It wasn't really easy, but got easier the more I concentrated on it, the more I wrote, the more I tried. On some I drew a blank, but if I go back to them again, it'll probably be easier. The exercises are to help you realise that not everybody around you is as toxic as FOO (or whoever traumatised you) and I think also to help with resilience. Helped me with that anyway.

I watched a movie with a friend at her place. We kept our distance. It was a Walt Disney one so good for my ICs as well. We also had tea to drink, so at least I have drunk some today, and sweet and savoury nibbles. Eating some in company is better than eating too many or nothing at all at home alone.

I skyped with another friend and her son (my godson). They both played some musical instruments for me and then they sang together. The latter felt healing for me because I could hear that my godson wasn't always on tune, or more that he wasn't going up or down much in range. The healing part for me was that nobody told him that the way that happened to me when I was a child. No mockery, no pointing out in a thoroughly unuseful way. They just sang together and I think he can follow his M's tune and voice a bit and maybe dare to move off these basic notes later. Later I dared to sing with my friend too though I'm seldom on the correct notes. It felt good to not feel I had to care. So that means my friend was being supportive and not judgemental.

I don't feel as if I'm out of the woods yet, but I am doing better.  :thumbup:

Blueberry, I hear the hard time you've been going through lately. I want you to know that I care about you. Watching the Disney movie with a friend sounds lovely. Seeing your godson NOT being criticized and then singing with a friend and allowing yourself to not be perfect is awesome.

Thank you notalone! Feeling heard feels really good atm. :hug:   Feeling heard means feeling accepted atm which is helping me accept myself again.

Sorry to read that you've been having such a hard time. I apologize for my earlier comment, I didn't quite understand how difficult of a time you were having.

Being around people and feeling like one is accepted and not judged is so important, vital! I am happy to read you got that while singing with your friend. I wish you many, many more of those moments.


(Edit due to hitting send too early and it cut off mid-word)

I am moving forwards again, on a project I've been wanting to for a while. otoh I'm also coming up against a lot of ICr obstacles in the form of M, F, B1 which is quite a lot all at once.

Where I'm moving forwards is once again research into literary translation as well as the concrete step of applying for a spot in Summer School. I have started writing the application and got further than my name :thumbup: but as usual when applying for things there's a massive backlash from internalised FOO with their voices and sometimes even my own voice pouring scorn on the very idea of me applying. Not so much a "Who do you think you are?!?" that some people write about, but more a long litany of why it'll never work in my case.

Often the 'Why it won't work' is based on cup half-empty. The idea I gathered at home growing up that I was born with substandard intelligence and things like that and that no improvement was possible. So to me it seemed trying anything would bring me no benefit. Well, often it brought ridicule. I remember saying to F once that I couldn't draw. He said "I don't see you trying much". It's true I didn't try much, although for a while I did work on water colours. But what I really needed instead of "I don't see you trying much" is somebody to more or less lead me by the hand and say "Let's do some together" and then praise some form of what I did. Not even necessarily the result but that I started at all, that I tried at all.

OK, well, now I get it, it's me that needs to do that with my Inner Children or even Inner Younger Adults on starting to apply for the summer school.

By the time I told F I couldn't draw, I would have been somewhere between 9 and 12yo and had already given up believing in any ability of my own to make things better for myself or learn to do much, especially things somebody else in FOO could already do better e.g. B1 in drawing.
Even when I eventually became interested in writing and in modern languages, the wider FOO would comment on that but then follow up with a monologue of someone else like great uncle or cousin twice removed interested in that field and it turned into all about them or all about the monologuer, though I didn't understand that then. To me it just felt like competition, that somebody else was better, more worthy of being mentioned than I was.

In the past couple of days I've been reading Pete Walker again and how he describes verbal and emotional abuse versus nurturance. My parents thought they were nurturing because they did discuss things with us and they did read to us BUT often it was in order to push their beliefs onto us rather than encouraging us to speak, encouraging us to develop our own thoughts e.g. about the character in a novel. I think I was ridiculed most often, told most often that I was stupid and shouldn't join in family discussions. That wasn't mostly during read-aloud sessions but I know that there I didn't dare voice an opinion.

Instead of being encouraged a little to try things out, I got the opposite from someone else in FOO e.g. B1 but also M - mostly blanket statements on why I wouldn't be able to do x, y, z. Mostly it was forms of "you don't have the skills or knowledge" with the message that I was somehow incapable of learning it added on. Like if you haven't made it by the time you're 16 or 18 or 20, forget it. I know that's blatantly untrue, but I often get blindsided by those kinds of thoughts anyway. Knowing in some part of me that those FOO messages are blatantly untrue still doesn't give me tons of energy to take on those ICr sayings and do what I need and want to do anyway.

T would be reminding me now to concentrate on our family friend who died in the summer, concentrating on her encouraging maternal energy toward little Child me. She didn't exude this air of "You'll never manage." not to me, not to her own children. Whereas my M didn't just exude that kind of air, she openly said at home that the eldest child in that family would never achieve her goal and she couldn't understand why her parents were encouraging her in it. She achieved her goal, she's been working in her chosen field for years. This sort of thing is behind my comment here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13701.msg104440#msg104440 that FOO are simply not very nice people.

Actually I wanted to add more to that thread but then I couldn't, too blocked. And I wanted to write again to the daughter, eldest child of our family friend who died and I haven't been able to. I'm too blocked. Realising how blocked I still am and also once again how much the emotional, verbal, intellectual abuse devastated my intellectual and language-skills growth, I can now be more forgiving to myself about the all the stalling I feel I'm doing atm and forgiving about how difficult it feels to simply fill in an application form.

There are more realisations coming up and churning around but that's all I'm writing for the moment.

Quote from: Sceal on January 04, 2021, 09:04:53 PM
I apologize for my earlier comment, I didn't quite understand how difficult of a time you were having.

No apology needed! :hug:  What your comment did do was help galvanise me into writing a response which in turn enabled me to go off on a big rant abut what was going on in me that day. That was very useful. Because when things are really bad I question the futility of writing anything, even though I know that I often come to some sort of helpful conclusion while writing.

Even I wasn't really aware of how difficult things were. I didn't realise I was in a full-blown EF. So I'm really sorry if you got a blast of aggressive energy that ought to have been heading to my anti-FOO defences instead.

Also I know that we have some shared topics, shared difficulties like selling yourself the way we both need to in marketing, and part of yourself feeling on display in the work we do, so now I'll add difficulty sending off emails to that shared list ;)  It's really helpful to have somebody who gets a part of what I'm often going through and up against.  :hug:

Blueberry I am so happy that things seem to be moving forward for you in the last few days,  :cheer:
your comments on your friends singing and your thoughts about it struck a chord (haha) with me, I sometimes feel so stuck &  am afraid to try anything new as my FOO's negative comments immediately appear before I even start.
My OH bought me a piano for my birthday & I am really glad to say I am enjoying it although I play 'quietly' & alone or become really self conscious.

I feel the pain of unsupportive  & deeply critical FOO's. It can be so hard to stop hearing the voices. I was never encouraged to do anything, no birthday parties, trips to zoo's ( or anywhere else) no hobbies etc, There was only their wants nothing else.

Good luck with your application you can do this :) , you have done so much already.

I wanted to write a longer reply but I will do this tomorrow now.
Sending you some positive thoughts to help with your application  :heythere:  :hug:

Thank you so much for your supportive comments, Bluegem. I'm so sorry you understand so well some of where I'm coming from because you've been through it too  :hug:

I was thinking earlier today I could just as well resurrect one of my older Journals, one of those with "Concrete Beneficial Steps" in the title but then I did realise I am moving forwards a little bit and I am taking some concrete beneficial steps. Not to mention the realisations.

Concrete beneficial steps:
(1) I did some more research on Summer Schools as well as free online courses in activities that would probably help me get more out of the summer schools by practising certain skills before hand. In so doing I discovered one other similar summer school which also helps lower the bar for me - it's not this one and only application and if I don't get a place then that's the End of All Hope and I can forget this dream of mine. No. That's a FOO thing, especially from M, and especially towards me.

(2) I finally relented and bought myself some fruit juice because that will help me to drink enough
(3) I cleaned out my pets' massive living quarters so I feel better knowing that they're more comfortable again
(4) I threw out some of the ickiest fleece cloths my pets lie on and make very dirty. Result: I have fewer cloths to pre-clean and then wash. It's not easy to allow myself to throw out that kind of thing. Part of it involves believing I'll find other cushions or what-have-you for them to sit on and make messy, which ...
(5) I just have via some Internet private give-away thing - good that I checked
(6) I returned 3 things to public library which makes things a little less cluttered round here
(7) Spread over yesterday and the day before: 2 loads of laundry including hanging them up. one of them is dry even. In really bad phases simply doing the laundry can be a difficult step. Now that I've done 2 loads, there is more space on my floor  :cheer:   

And some realisations
i) Clearing the books off the floor isn't as important as getting on with what I have/had an impulse to do e.g. researching summer schools
ii) The correct step (in this case researching summer schools) will give me energy to move onto other steps which will in turn give me energy. The incorrect step today ie. clearing books off the floor will exhaust me and not give me energy for more activities. So it's fine to leave that step be for a while :yes: Only push through with a non-energy-giving step if it is really important e.g. today cleaning out pets' living quarters because it was long overdue and my pets rely on me, the poor little things. I did feel really exhausted afterwards, far more than I would normally feel.

Hi Blueberry

You are right, inside you know the steps that you need to take in that moment to get you where you need to be. I love your concrete beneficial Steps (especially no.1 ) it sounds like you have been very busy  ;) I am glad you are busy researching your schools and that your pets are comfortable  :hug:

Do you mind me asking what pets you have?

I am lucky no laundry, cooking, or shopping for me to do as my OH is not working at the moment due to covid so he does all that.
I do need to take some concerted steps forward though ..my problem at the moment is I keep swapping between books ,videos etc and not sticking to anything.

Yea for you deciding the most beneficial use of your time and energy.

Quote from: notalone on January 06, 2021, 12:05:18 AM
Yea for you deciding the most beneficial use of your time and energy.

Oh, is that what I'm doing? Thanks for telling me. Really. I am not being facetious! I often have trouble putting descriptive, defining words to what I am doing or to how and what I am.
______________________________
Bluegem, I have guinea pigs. For a long time I never mentioned that here on the forum because I was worried some FOO mbr might recognise me. Now occasionally I do write openly what they are, like to you now. But then I go back to "my pets", "Little Furries" etc
________________________

Progress yesterday in T: I realised and said that I need to practise a particular imagination exercise more often till I'm really good at it and I need to do this exercise more often in day-to-day life. I need to. Not have to, should, ought to etc. No. Instead I realise that I need to implement the exercise in order to reduce the influence of M, F, B1, B2, SIL2 and any other FOO mbrs who crop up in the form of ICr (Inner Critic). Individual FOO voices or sometimes a general ICr voice drop by far too often! They sap my energy and/or lead to many activities being far more difficult for me than they should be. I have the ability to do: basic meal-preparation, decision-making, writing applications and filling out forms, translations, writing emails to ll and many other people, cleaning and tidying... It's ICr who gets in the way and causes total exhaustion, anxiety or even full-blown, multi-layer EFs like from just after Christmas till 2 days ago.

So I now see and understand the necessity of doing this imagination exercise more often and particularly before I attempt these basic activities rather than some time afterwards. Thinking "need to" feels OK. It's not like "should, have to" etc. I suppose because it's my realisation of "need to" and not "should" which often came as a masked suggestion from FOO. Oops I notice I need to do the imagination exercise again rn to get M out of my head. So I will do that.

So now I have done it :thumbup:  It didn't even take long. My T mentioned that it's important to take a break right away and do the exercise rather than thinking I "should" finish up what I'm doing first, which I tend to do. (There's that "should" again.) My T also said that after I've done the exercise it probably won't "work" for the next 24 hours or anything, I'll likely need to take another break and do it again. I did it about an hour ago :cheer: and now a few minutes ago. My T mentioned that it may also sometimes be necessary to do something easier or maybe something fun before going back to the original activity. That could be moving around to music which I sometimes do in my office as a little break when doing difficult things on the computer (including writing on here but also translations and applications and emails...)

Blueberry, I used to have the same little furries as you do!! Absolutely loved their gentle nature and funny socializations. Truly adorable creatures!
So happy to hear that imagination exercise is helpful, big ups to you for that accomplishment  :cheer:

Quote from: Blueberry on January 08, 2021, 04:58:11 PM
My T mentioned that it's important to take a break right away and do the exercise rather than thinking I "should" finish up what I'm doing first, which I tend to do. (There's that "should" again.)

I am in the same boat when it comes to wanting a break but feeling I "should" finish up the task. Thank you for inspiring me to take a break when I need it, this was particularly helpful for me today.
Sending you all the support for your continued success with the exercise :)

Yay Mojay! Guineas are totally adorable. :excited: And some times they get very excited and run round doing bucking broncos. Which is very cute.

_________________
My imagination exercises seem to have worked pretty well today. I have just written and sent one business email in two languages to an assorted group of clients and one personal email to my friends who do not all know each other at all, also in two languages. This would have been unmanageable on a normal day and even pretty difficult to possibly also unmanageable on a really good day.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Quote from: Blueberry on January 04, 2021, 09:34:47 PM

Quote from: Sceal on January 04, 2021, 09:04:53 PM
I apologize for my earlier comment, I didn't quite understand how difficult of a time you were having.

No apology needed! :hug:  What your comment did do was help galvanise me into writing a response which in turn enabled me to go off on a big rant abut what was going on in me that day. That was very useful. Because when things are really bad I question the futility of writing anything, even though I know that I often come to some sort of helpful conclusion while writing.

Even I wasn't really aware of how difficult things were. I didn't realise I was in a full-blown EF. So I'm really sorry if you got a blast of aggressive energy that ought to have been heading to my anti-FOO defences instead.

Also I know that we have some shared topics, shared difficulties like selling yourself the way we both need to in marketing, and part of yourself feeling on display in the work we do, so now I'll add difficulty sending off emails to that shared list ;)  It's really helpful to have somebody who gets a part of what I'm often going through and up against.  :hug:

I know you've written a lot of after this, but I just wanted to let you know I've read your reply. I am glad that my comment did help you in the end. It can be very important to get the hard stuff out in the open. Especially if you're not exactly sure what is going on before you start voicing it.  :hug:

I have learned a lot from you, you should know. I often think of you when the word 'should' appears in my vocabulary. "But I should be doing... "no wait. No, I shouldn't. Shouldn't is bad. I can choose to do it because I want to, because it'll give me peace of mind. Or if I need it. But should. I don't have to do any should's. Should's are guilt and shame induced.  And you wrote about this a few years ago, and it just stuck with me really deep.

Thank you for your validation, Sceal :)    I'm glad me writing about 'should' with great frequency is helping you too.  :)

For most of today I felt pretty good and also got a fair bit done. Seems to be the effect of doing the imagination exercises the other day.

Then I was thinking seeing as I have this renewed energy atm it might be a good idea to get a belated Christmas parcel into the post. I suddenly felt very tired. I did realise that it's not real tiredness, instead it's there to cover up whatever feeling is beneath that because I most definitely do not want to feel. A mbr on here once pointed out that I'm frightened of my emotions. It was news to me at the time, but it's obviously true. So progress knowing it's not real tiredness. There were phases in my childhood and teenage years when I slept a lot in the middle of the day and I've just realised now :lightbulb: that was undoubtedly an escape, maybe not so much an escape from my feelings as just an escape full stop.

So before I came on here I did another round of my imagination exercise. It involves putting the whole of FOO behind dark bulletproof glass and then sending the whole picture of that to the forests of northern Scandinavia, which is far away but due north of here. Nothing against Scandinavia ;)  If FOO is trying to break out, then magic helpers turn up and prevent this from happening. This evening FOO does not want to be stuck there. So the helpers are preventing them from escaping.

There were other things I wanted to write but they seem to have gone AWOL.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 29, 2020, 03:51:31 PM
I have quite a few ideas bubbling around of things I'd like to do. One is write little cards or notes for friends expressing how much I appreciate their friendship and how much and in what ways they have been there for me this year and are continuing, along with Advent and/or Christmas wishes, as appropriate. The idea makes me feel happy; it feels much better than the 'I have to send Xmas cards'. Not that I force myself to do that anymore to tons of people but I do try to some people .... Anyway, my idea feels much better, kind of like when I write my lists of Joys or Things to be Grateful for.

I didn't manage that before Christmas, but I've started now :thumbup: :)
It really does feel good. When the person reciprocates in some way other than downplaying or taunting me, it gives me energy. Nobody except maybe my business neighbour taunts now! So other people either don't reciprocate at all so sort of neutral or in a pretty good way. In fact today, when telling one of these people of my appreciation for his kindness this past year and for his time and the useful information he has given me on gardening and plants and bees etc not to mention lots of his own garden produce ;D , I realised how holding myself back from expressing almost anything for years, decades even, in FOO, well I realised how much that held me in check. Being ridiculed nastily by FOO for a facial expression or excited movements or just a gesture made me become very monotone (avoiding natural inflection in my voice) and led me to keep my hands and arms rigidly against my body or better yet pulled up inside my sleeves. No waving them around for emphasis or to underscore what I was saying. I might go as far as to say stunted my development even. It really was that bad.

Held in check? In fact a T once said FOO used laughter (as in laughing at me) as a way to control me. It was a form of abuse. It certainly stunted my full development of expression. Your body like facial expression and the way you stand, the way you move, those are all powerful non-verbal means of self-expression. For years and years my non-verbal messages were things like: "I don't exist", "I can't protect myself", "I don't have any boundaries". There were some years when my face looked haunted, I remember thinking that seeing my face reflected in a window and suddenly realised that's what I looked like all the time (late teens, early 20s).

A couple of years ago when I did a MOOC (open online course) for the first time I realised that the way the instructor was enunciating and just generally presenting was a way I would be incapable of (so far anyway) because FOO ridiculed anything like that in me. "What's that silly face for?", "You're grinning like the village idiot", "What's that silly voice for?" (when my voice was showing emotions) and more that I can't pinpoint atm. Maybe just ridiculing my facial expression was enough to hamper any kind of expressive gestures with my hands and arms. Idk. But it was certainly unthinkable for me to use them. That's changing though :) :) :cheer: I used them today spontaneously and it wasn't the first time either :) :) :)

Now I remember what else happened today. A good few days ago I responded to a desperate plea on something like The Classifieds on ebay for material help. The somebody obviously lives literally around the corner from me and was looking for bits of second-hand furniture or furnishings because she'd just moved in and stores with those types of products are closed due to lockdown. So I offered a few bits and pieces, told her roughly where I live. She responded rather strangely with "Let's keep in touch" but didn't, though I had asked specifically for a response re: time and date.

Today she sent a further response saying she hadn't understood my first message, it had been rather confusing. That reminded me so much of FOO and their mind games, that I responded with a simple "Forget it!" I feel so relieved, even now writing it. I feel strong as well. I set a boundary to protect myself, I didn't give some stranger the benefit of the doubt and then get embroiled in this person's problems - financial or emotional or 'games'!  I ended all that before it got properly started!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

That's really great that you managed to set boundaries with this stranger!  :cheer: And it's even better that you got to feel the strength it can give to be firm and not let someone else walk over  you! :cheer:

with your history this is an incredible win! You did really well!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Thank you so much Sceal for your validation!  :) :hug:

I guess the strength I felt, or still am feeling when I stop to think about it, is the empowerment that comes from being able to set a boundary and have it respected. And you're right, Sceal, that that is a huge win with my history, huge progress. So thanks for pointing that out :thumbup: :thumbup: :hug:

___________________

Today I was out and about in the daytime in my new green jacket. I have had green before, a deep forest green or army green but nothing like this brilliant shade of green. The choice was black or green. Green is better for safety - more visible as a cyclist and pedestrian even in the daytime. But also takes some getting used to because of sticking out like a sore thumb. That reason just popped out courtesy of ICr / FOO. It hurts when I feel into that. It's the kind of thing FOO esp. F and B1 would have made a joke about to me. Not realising the damage (??) or not caring about it. Probably the latter. Anyway allow myself to sit with those hurt parts of me from then and grieve and comfort the relevant Inner Children. Then do my imagination exercise to provide huge distance between me and FOO. Done. Now I choose to say I look like a spring plant sticking up in all the snow :)

I bought my new jacket at the last minute before the shops closed in the pre-Christmas lockdown. I really needed one and I also wanted to make use of the temporarily reduced sales tax. I rushed around that day on my bike buying a whole bunch of clothing I really needed, all at different stores, partially even in different areas of town, also looking for one rain garment I didn't manage to find. Came home and dumped it all in a corner. Some items such as my new jacket remained for about 2 weeks in my bike bag. In retrospect I think buying so many items all at once (6, I think) was too much in some form emotionally. Not really the rushing around. I think more likely simply having so many new items all at once. I usually kind of 'pussy-foot' about with new garments or also with new devices. Something like it takes me a while to integrate them into my life and/or dare to use them at all. The latter is particuIarily the case with devices e.g. when I was given a really good, reusable face mask it took me a few days to get it out of the package and then read up on how to wear it exactly and how to clean it for reuse, even though I really wanted a mask that will do more than average to keeping me safe. So that's pussy-footing around. There is probably some reason in my past, there usually is. 

Today I also got the impetus to write one of my Highly Recommended / Could lists, so I did. New idea, carried out immediately: I wrote enough, in capital letters near the bottom of the Could part so that I wouldn't try and do any additional things. In fact I haven't finished everything on the list even now and it's certainly too late now for some of it. Writing that 'enough' was a really good way of trying to not overwhelm myself and also to help me not simply keep going and then collapse.

I did manage to give Little Furry her 3 meds today. It's difficult. I could do with 3-4 hands, but just have 2 obviously. I didn't the past few days though she is meant to get them daily. But otoh she seems to really hate it and be frightened. She trembles the whole time, and yes, she makes it more difficult by constantly turning her head this way and that so I can't get the syringe into her mouth.  Part of the problem for me is holding her still and forcing her. I mean that's a trauma reason behind it, not a physical reason or something I could just 'practise'. I have got better at medicating my Little Furries in the past year, compared to years ago where it would take aaaaages and I'd be so exhausted afterwards. Something even it took ages and I didn't manage either. So I'd have to ask a friend or go to the vet's. The exhaustion that may not actually be exhaustion but rather something to prevent me feeling whatever is beneath it all.

Suddenly so exhausted, and cold before hand. NTS it isn't exhaustion, it's a reaction to something. In 2 instances today I find myself thinking and even saying "Why do you get to do this and I don't??" To top it off, I had trouble giving Little Furry her meds, tho in the end I did manage. I noted a further problem beyond her paws, so phoned the vet for an appointment thinking I'd get one on Mon. I got one today instead. That's good for Little Furry of course, but it seems to have triggered this exhaustion. I suppose I can either succumb to the 'exhaustion' and have a nap or try and do some of my T exercises and see if anything helps.

I can, at least, refrain from 'shoulding' myself.

Blueberry, so many great successes!! Well done  :cheer:
I love the mental image of a vibrant green jacket as a spring plant in the snow! So refreshing :) I was inspired to read your re-frame, it's really a lovely thing to hear the steps you took to realize the hurt, grieve, comfort yourself and create new meaning.

I can see how giving Little Furry her medicine would be difficult, it sounds like you are a very good keeper for them and truly care for their wellbeing, even when it can be exhausting. Sending you peaceful and healing vibes to recoup your energy~

Hi Blueberry,

I'm glad you were able to get that appointment for one of the Furry's. 

Wanted to pop by and send you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, always appreciated!  :hug: :hug: for you too. It was really good I got that appointment, my Little Furry needed it.

Thank you mojay for all your validation! Oh, I do care for my pets' well-being. They are all rescue animals and the one I was at the vet's with has a chronic problem, probably due to bad / incompetent breeding :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: I met the "breeder" because the original owners gave all 3 back to the "breeder" when they couldn't keep them. The "breeder" promised to put them in with her own flock and put them up for sale on an Internet platform instead. Through some fluke I came into contact with the original owners and found out about the whole deception. I also fought (verbally) with the "breeder" to get all three, as the original owners wanted them kept together and the "breeder" wanted them separated. I won :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

The one with the chronic problem had been mis-diagnosed all along. I got to the bottom of the problem, well my vet did of course. It's an orthopedic problem and it's pretty gruesome. It won't get better. All I can do is keep Little Furry comfortable (painkillers) and happy (lots of yummy food and good quality hay). Atm I'm thinking I can't bear another Little Furry death (though I haven't endured one for a good few years because I took a break from Little Furries for about 3 years). This "I can't bear" is probably worth looking at. There's probably something behind it that's not connected to Little Furries or Little Furry deaths.

The friend who is helping me clean came yesterday and held Little Furry still while I administered the meds and a footbath (pawbath). Was much easier.

_________ ________________

Unfortunately there are quite a few 'topics' that could do with being looked at :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

Instead of looking at one that cropped up today, I continued eating and then went back to bed. One step forward is that I am becoming more aware of when I'm doing something and what I am doing in order to avoid looking at a topic or just to avoid feeling into what is going on in those few minutes. It's beneficial for me to highlight the step forward.

What I am also doing - I think - is coming up with more activities to do instead of concentrating on starting and/or completing the ones already sitting looking at me. I saw a job advertised today at the farmers' market. I've worked at different stands there before. The first one successfully about 10 years ago, unsuccessfully a couple of years ago. So try again, earn a little of my own money since there's not much demand for my freelance stuff for the time being. On the surface it looks like a good idea. Go a bit deeper and there are a lot of reasons for which it might not be a good idea rn. That's why I started eating nonsense after my breakfast and then went back to bed. Things will become clearer to me in the next few days.

I did try some processing a little while ago like Screen Work to protect and distance myself from FOO. Mbrs of FOO started piling out of the Screen which isn't what is supposed to happen, though it does occasionally. My head is still drawing a blank of what to do about them piling out. I mean I did try a couple of things but neither worked sufficiently. It feels as if there's something huge under there. I don't want to sit and feel into it.

Maybe before or after - don't even know anymore - I tried a little EFT but only got as far as tapping the top of my head and my chest, so nothing in between. I was falling asleep while doing it though it wasn't even bed time. I was accepting myself for 'everything'. I yawned a lot so 'everything' although pretty unspecific seemed to mean something to some inner parts. I'm thinking to myself rn that 'I could have done more' which sounds an awful lot like I 'should have' done more. So instead I'll say: 'At least I did any at all!'

I'm sure somewhere I have the tools to deal with this, but sitting with my emotions is so hard. My ICr says I'm being whiney. I feel overwhelmed by my emotions so that's why I say sitting with them is hard. My ICr can take a hike.

Today I'm remembering back to inpatient large-group therapy where I usually ended up in fighting mode and under all that was a whole ton of pain. I feel as if I'm in fighting mode again and beginning to think it's not worth it. I've even been thinking through the Serenity Prayer today. Haven't been in 12 Step groups for a long time and I don't intend to again but reflecting on "the serenity to accept things I can't change, the courage to change things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". Can I change the neighbour business's behaviour? No. Can I change people who view the measures being taking against Corona as way overboard? No. Can I change people who interpret the measures less strictly than I do? No.

NTS just thinking that out and writing it down was totally exhausting. My T teaches me to not feel into things deeply or at least to feel in very gradually. So patience with self is required.

I actually feel better today, less triggered. So maybe the exercises I did yesterday helped somewhat. Idk. I'm thinking that I've merely put the lid on a few things instead.

I've started on some household tasks I really wanted to complete yesterday. It seems I needed a break. So simple. It's just I wanted to complete them so that I can sleep in my bed again rather than on the floor where I've been for 2 nights now w/o a mattress (long story). My sofa which I'd been sleeping on for weeks and weeks is presently piled high with stuff. My goal is to get back into my bed anyway, not to go back to the sofa. But yeah, NTS just needed a break!

Last night I managed to medicate my Little Furry at midnight. That was rather late compared to other days but at least I managed. I felt some weight lifting off my shoulders immediately. It's easier now too - NTS - since I have to give only one med orally, not three.

hey, blueberry,

it sounds to me like you did just the right amount of everything you've been doing the past couple of days, no matter what form it took, including your NTS's - i love those!  such caring reminders for you.  at least, that's how they seem to me. 

not whiny, never whiny.  i go to that place, too, when i want to get the 'not so fun' things out, but i'm also told that i'm not whining.  it may be that those of us who have had unrealistic expectations placed on us, or were somehow punished, mocked, told to quit whining, etc. for expressing how we really feel got the idea that being our true selves is not ok.  i've never seen you as whiny, blueberry.  ever.

i hope you get to your bed, pronto, just so you can sleep in your safe place again.  i say that cuz of hearing you talk about taking to your bed at times when you've been overwhelmed, exhausted, or needing a break.  i've always thought of it as a safe place for you to just get out of the negativity for a while, a place where you can refuel.  sending love and a hug filled with just the right amount of everything. :hug:

Blueberry, what an ordeal with that "breeder"!!! So glad that you won and are providing a nurturing and loving home for the furry dears. The pawbath made me smile :)

I agree with Sanmagic that you've done a great job with everything over the past few days, especially since you wrote that you felt less triggered today. In my humble opinion, taking a break when things are piling up is very important - I think you are very wise to keep that NTS. I think taking breaks also reflects patience with self, so great job :D

Cheering you on with your household tasks  :cheer:

I feel as if I'm stalling again but I suppose that just means I need a break.

I also feel annoyed at myself for not taking care of my needs better. A friend called me at about 2pm that she wanted to bring me something for my birthday though it wasn't quite ready. OK I said I'm teaching soon and until 3:30 so later please. It's 6pm and there's no sign of her. I don't want her to ring the bell while I'm in the shower or medicating my Little Furry so I've been putting both off :doh:

So even though she's bringing me a present and that's a very nice thing to do, still I need to be more assertive about my plans and say 'you need to come by such-and-such or postpone till tomorrow.'

I feel low and droopy today. I suppose I could do some eFT, though even that I don't like to be interrupted at it.

I did make some real progress a few days ago. There are people in my building especially the other business who like to leave the front door open as well as an internal door, which is just outside my office, leading into an unheated storage room at the back. It's winter and our building is not well insulated. It is lockdown, the other business is allowed to be open atm but there are also hardly any customers. The other business leaves the front door open because it is nicer for customers. Up until now I have been closing it because a) it is lockdown and there are harly any customers and b) it is cold and having doors open all day really cools off the building.

A couple of days ago I made a deal: I will consent to leave the front door open during his opening hours if he always closes the door leading to the storage area. Hey presto! Magic! Despite his protestations of not being the only one to leave it open and also of seeing me leave it open, it is now closed all the time! Whereas before I closed it in passing up to 4-5-6 times a day.  :thumbup: :cheer:

it's your birthday?  did i miss it?  i hope not.  at any rate, i hope you enjoy your day - best birthday wishes ever!   :cake: :phoot: :yourock:

i think that realization of making specifics known is huge.  i learned the hard way that leaving such things open-ended always went wonky for me, and i'd get interrupted or verbally walked over when i wasn't ready.  i think it's an important issue for us to learn.  well done :thumbup:

keep taking care of you as best you can, my dear.  you are doing so much more in this area than even a year ago.  very proud of you for all the work you've continued to do, if it's my place to say that.  love and hugs, blueberry :hug:

Thank you san! It's helpful you're seeing healing steps in me because I'm not really seeing them. So I will look more closely into that. I have T in a few hours so check on here anyway to write the gist of the past 2 weeks down!

:blowup: M went and contacted a friend of mine again on some flimsy excuse. M was soooo concerned. I hate this. When it really comes down to it, when their concern would be appropriate, M and F don't give it. Unfortunately my friends without PDs in their lives tend to make some excuse for my parents, or at least they 'understand'. So this is I guess just something I have to accept. Can't change my parents, can't change my friends. Too difficult for me to make anybody understand. I have told this friend before that she is undermining my boundaries when she chit-chats to my M or F, tells them a few things from my life, things she thinks are harmless. In the grand scheme they are harmless but I'd just like to have control over them but I don't apparently. 

It makes me feel as if I'm really difficult and have really high expectations of other people. That's my ICr. Once again it makes me feel as if I might as well go back to FOO and say "Ok, you win. I was wrong."

On top of that, I haven't been doing much self-care recently. I think self-care would include getting on with various things that I've been planning to and haven't so far done. There's a whole long list.

At the beginning of the first lockdown, some people were wondering what all to do stuck in their homes for weeks. I read this in some comments somewhere: "Are you kidding??" plus a whole long list of things to catch up on but someone else pointed out that "it's not just a lack of time preventing many people from getting on with their pet projects." That person never spoke a truer word.

In fact I'm doing zero atm other than reading. Reading involves standing by watching some (fictional) person's life unfold instead of taking steps to further my own life. I'm not in danger of stopping my life in anyway, just in danger of letting it drift on planless and goal-less.

Blueberry, your M contacting your friend created a lot of feelings in you. Please be easy on yourself about "getting on with various things." It may be that it is taking all your energy to hold those feelings.

 :hug:

Thank you both for your support, notalone and san. :hug: :hug:
You are very understanding notalone. Unfortunately I was not getting on with a lot before my friend dumped this bombshell on me.
_____________________________________

This one's difficult. This friend brought my parents up in conversation out of the blue a few weeks ago. I don't remember what it was about and I don't seem to have written much about it. But I do remember it was something where after the fact I considered really trying to explain to this friend that even having M or F mentioned to me unprepared can send me reeling. I don't suppose that would help though. It would just be JADEing on my part. Because I have said so before. I wrote in my paper Journal, wondering if I should say something after the fact or if I should try to be more proactive next time. Well, "proactive next time" didn't work.

I do consider this person a good friend. BUT. It now feels as if she thinks she knows better than I do how to navigate my FOO. It feels as if she is taking sides, with them. It feels as if she is undermining those boundaries I set FOO.

Probably I need to say those to her directly. Though I would appreciate any comments on the above.

My brothers keep flashing through my mind because they used to undermine the boundaries I set my parents too. There was always 'some reason' to do so. I feel, well, I know FOO doesn't take me seriously. But it feels as if my friend doesn't take me seriously either. She's a bit older than me and I'm kind of in awe of her I guess. I don't dare to have an argument with her and really stand my ground. I know that's not very healthy, so here is the opportunity, arriving on a silver platter. I know she's up to her ears in work atm, feeling burnt out already, so I feel I "shouldn't" dump this on her. Oh, there's that 'should' again.

I'm angry, which gives me energy.

Quote from: Blueberry on March 20, 2018, 10:36:34 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on November 26, 2017, 01:55:12 PM
My T said contact with people won't stay if you can't set a limit and if you aren't allowed to speak up about a problem you're having with that person's words / actions / deeds or even speak up about realising there's a problem developing between you, but you need to talk about it! And if you can't, then time to re-think, let go probably. That makes total sense but it's very difficult for me

Oh dear, there's another instance of this going on. Where there's something I really should say to a friend. This speaking up when realising there's a problem developing. This is still soooo hard for me. Due to FOO's conditioning. I 'need' to be grateful that I have any friends combined with 'my friends are all losers and weird like me anyway and if I had good ones the way FOO members do, this would never happen. No need for conflict or speaking up'  :stars:

This is somebody I consider a good friend, but I think I've been allowing her ... to take an upper hand too much.

Then I hear those FOO voices about this is all just because I'm such a loser. But it's not. It's because I'm learning far later than should be the case how to navigate friendships, how to stand up for myself, when and where to do so, and when to let things go and know they won't happen again that way, that it was just a one-off.

I copied this over from one of my old posts on Recovery Letters. I am pleased to see that although I'm still struggling with the topic and FOO's legacy, I'm no longer struggling for the same reasons. ICr is no longer spouting all that stuff about loser etc. Only the bold statements are up-to-date.

Going to remind myself of some Good Things Today:
1) I managed to shove this friendship topic (previous post) far enough away to teach my 2 students
2) I reached out to 2 more students who both almost started in 2020 but then backed out. So just a little reminder call to see if they might have changed their minds.
3) Yesterday I contacted somebody about translating a little book she wrote and published for an organisation. I got an email back today - which is fast (!) and said she certainly wouldn't stand in my way.  :thumbup:  She gave me some helpful information too, possibly inadvertently.
4) I haven't dissociated or otherwise left reality.

In What Way Can a Crisis Be Helpful (for me)?
I feel as if I'm in a crisis, spinning around. So here reminding myself what kind of positive outcome I can expect from this level of crisis. Caution: I don't mean that a crisis might be good for anybody else on here.
1) After a crisis I tend to move forwards and make pretty big progress
2) It has shaken me up a bit and got me looking at various topics I probably wouldn't have been looking at otherwise
3) There's energy in my anger and I am managing to use the energy for myself in some ways, see e.g. Good Things Today, beginning of this post. Some ways are better than no ways.
4) I no longer feel as if I'm stagnating.
5) I thought-stopped my ICr today
6) It could be after I'm through this that I'll even say it was worth it to get me practising various techniques e.g. contradicting ICr, doing some EFT again including in my imagination. Could be. I'll leave that open.
7) I'm remembering things I was told years and years ago in T e.g. once when I was in a bit of a crisis in inpatient T and couldn't do some activity with my hands, a T merely pointed that out. i remembered that while trying some Sudoku and a crossword this evening. Can't do them. Too jittery, can't concentrate. Not even important to do in this situation.
8 ) I asked my current T if he had any cancellations this week. He doesn't, but can give me an appointment a few days early next week. That's good. But it's good I asked too.
____________________________________
I remember once my T asked: "You have friends who treat you like this??" He might well say that in this instance too. 

I appreciate your reflection and how you are being curious about all aspects of your experience.   

Thank you rainydiary. I'm trying to see some positives as well as keep moving forwards and/or remind myself that I'm doing so.
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I think other mbrs might have mentioned something like this recently: being sick of the feeling that this never ends. It seems I try so hard and still end up banging my head (metaphorically.)

I know that one of the things I pretty constantly do is feel energy to do something, start doing so, and then chicken out, step back, pause for longer and longer, give up. I KNOW that I need to clear things with the friend I mentioned in previous posts but when I start writing (my choice of communication method), I get all mixed up with what I should say or can. What will hurt her (potentially), what will turn her away from me automatically?

I had a pretty good talk with my psych doc today. He gave me moral support for bringing this up with my friend. He also explained to me some of what is going on and his explanations correlate to my thoughts. Some things are new. I know it's 'dumb' but I don't want to bother my friend with this issue because she has a really difficult work week, she even said on Sunday when she phoned about this that she feels on the verge of collapse at work. HEY! says my psych doc - she feels on the verge of collapse but she still managed to talk to your M?? Something wrong going on there. SHE - my friend - needs to look at some of her issues re: my parents and the limits she sets them. 

Anyway, what is impolite about the sentence: "That's between you and Blueberry."?? Here too my psych doc said these are my friend's issues.

I feel so dumb, so naive. I feel duped. I've fallen for it again. I haven't set limits early and forcefully enough for them to be taken seriously.

I do have the ability to shut down some of those inner voices but it's hard for me to keep going with it. I hear FOO's mocking "ha ha. Even your friends aren't there for you. We win. You lose." Although a healing part of me knows, newly, that it's not about winning, it's about setting limits that work for me even if somebody else feels hurt by that, it's very hard for me to stay in this part of me that's healed, that has this new knowledge.

It's a step forward that a part of me that tends to go haywire when I feel deep emotional pain isn't quite so near the surface as would be expected. It's there, it's going slightly haywire, it's still suggesting that either flying off the handle or not existing anymore would be the best solutions atm, but the suggestions are not as loud or as forceful as in previous times.

There is much more going on internally but I can't write more atm. All sorts of 'topics' have been latched onto and stirred up.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 27, 2021, 05:18:56 PM

I think other mbrs might have mentioned something like this recently: being sick of the feeling that this never ends. It seems I try so hard and still end up banging my head (metaphorically.)

Yeah, I definitely feel you on that one. And especially in those moments, it's easy to lose track of what you have achieved, and that there are thankfully also (more and more) wins and good times alongside the challenges.

I see your struggle. And it makes total sense to feel frustrated, hopeless, and all that stuff. Don't forget to allow yourself to sit with that, too, before you pick yourself up and try again :)

Take care!

Thank you for your validation, Alter-eg0. Thank you for hearing me.
________________
I phoned a friend this evening, one who also has cptsd and who I know from inpatient therapy. She understood me, validated and supported me. I know I can trust her, I know it's genuine.

She reminded me that I might slip into Freeze and so to be aware of that. So I'm reminding myself to keep moving in some way even if just sitting at the table playing Patience or walking from one room to another. Or going for a little walk in the snow. Or maybe even getting on with some easier emails and phone calls or a little cleaning or something. Just to keep the ball rolling and to try and not slip into my childhood reaction of curling up and not doing anything instead of letting other people's reactions wash over me like water off a duck's back.

Hi Blueberry,
Your friend's support sounds so helpful, and I'm glad she is someone you can trust.  Her reminder about the Freeze potential is so helpful - I read that and it made such a lot of sense to me as well.  Hope you are able to keep the ball rolling and stay out of freeze.  Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on January 24, 2021, 05:54:32 PM
M went and contacted a friend of mine again on some flimsy excuse. M was soooo concerned. I hate this. When it really comes down to it, when their concern would be appropriate, M and F don't give it. Unfortunately my friends without PDs in their lives tend to make some excuse for my parents, or at least they 'understand'. So this is I guess just something I have to accept. Can't change my parents, can't change my friends.

No, I don't have to accept it. I have just written my thoughts to this friend and set her a real limit: me or my parents. I can't change my friends, it's true. But I can say what I think and feel. And I can change my behaviour in regards to them in order to protect myself.

So I sent my missive :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:  I didn't have to wait for my T appointment on Mon. I've managed on my own :thumbup:

Today I feel less apprehensive about the possible fall-out from my friend. It won't be easy for me if she decides to prioritise her friendship with my parents or if she gives me aggro about it not being very adult behaviour to expect somebody to choose, but I'll survive. I am getting stronger, more resilient and better at recognising other people's unhealthy behaviour especially when it's negatively impacting me and my life. "Won't be easy" means it will be very painful, but I won't spiral as low as I have on previous occasions, like when I realised what FOO mbrs really think of me, behind their nice lies.

_________________________
Thank you Hope :hug: Reading your words again now is very helpful because my body is beginning to numb a little.

Good job, Blueberry.

You're setting a boundary, and rightfully so. I guess this falls in line with "Love it, change it, or leave it". If you can't accept/love it, and you can't change her or the way you feel about it/respond to it (without damaging yourself or the other), than opting to leave is the best choice. That's not childish; that's making sure that both of you can live your life as your best self.
What's that saying? Boundaries are where I can love both you and me simultaniously? Something like that anyway.

Take care.

Thank you for the validation, Alter-eg0!
I haven't actually opted to leave yet. I've given my friend a choice. I'll see how she reacts. I know it may not be in a very accepting way, but it could be. Have to wait and see.

As usual setting a boundary has given me a rush of energy combined with a feeling of stability and being well-grounded in my Adult person of today. Took my meds, cooked up my homemade soup-from-scratch, washed dishes, did some tidying up, ran some errands, gave Little Furry her meds. I feel better, generally, than before I even heard about the conversation between M and my friend. Funny how that works. This isn't the first time this friend didn't accept my limits so maybe there's always a vestige of the hurt and the feeling of powerlessness from all those times I haven't been able to set a limit, even from recent times, which then presses me down, makes me feel small and robs me of my energy.

Glad you're feeling better, Blueberry.

I too find that taking an important step, big or small, can make you feel a lot more "in charge" and put you in some kind of positive flow. Don't you just love it when that happens ;)
I think this is especially the case when it comes to setting boundaries. It's almost like you're showing the younger versions of yourself that you're not a helpless child anymore, and that you all have more tools now. Although it does take time and practice for them to get on board and really feel it too.

Moving forwards in even more ways! I was formulating a letter to M and F in my head and the wording is much changed over even yesterday. Not necessarily what I'll actually write but ideas like: "if you want contact, you've got to respect my limits." That's an unknown language for them. Respect an adult child??!? How does that work??

Just because they don't grasp that sort of concept - treating somebody and their decisions respectfully just because they are another human being rather than older than you or somebody from whom you want something - in no way means I don't deserve it and in no way means I have to just put up with their behaviour.

Even these ideas like - if the person behaves like an adult, we'll treat them as one, if not, forget it - doesn't hold water with me any more. As in if you're properly employed and able to support yourself, pay your own stuff, then your parents will respect you. If not, as in my case, forget it, you're still your parents' child. No. Not buying it. I'm an adult. Anyway, in the years I was able to support myself properly, my parents didn't treat me like an adult either, not even in my own home. People who don't want to respect you as a fellow human being can always find some reason not to.

 Lots of  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: today. I remembered san posting about lots of us needing sleep during recovery. Thanks san! That helped me today to recognise how strenuous the following are for me: 1) simply approaching somebody to say - not OK, 2) setting an actual limit 3) working it all out in my head and feelings and formulating it 4) the feelings, memories and realisations that come afterward. It's all worse when it's somebody I feel close to.

All things considered, I've done pretty well today. It's a day i could have seen my friend or her h around town, but I still went out and ran errands eg. the market, where they go too. When i sit up straight, feet flat on the floor (grounded), I'm more in my most recent Adult of here and now who says: it's quite acceptable to set a friend a limit! This friend has said "No" to me too in the past. She can simply do it with one word or lack of a word or whatever. And I accept that. She needs to accept my "no" too or face consequences. At other times - bedtime surprisingly but also in situations where I might run into her - I feel the fear in my gut.

I fear meeting her h too, possibly even more so. The reason for that came clear: from FOO I'm used to at least one person standing behind the person I try to set a limit to. So I don't usually just have one person to deal with but more. I have no idea how her h will react. He liked my parents when he met them and possibly he has more in common with them than with me, or thinks he does, not sure if he really does. Age-wise he's between them and me. We're not close. Well, I can only wait and see how my friend reacts and then if she is willing to accept my 'rule' of - go ahead with your friendship but leave me out completely.

My F was also sometimes a looming figure in the background, kept out of arguments etc, but as soon as it looked as if I was rocking the boat too far, he'd jump in and end that. Or my M would bring him in: "you deal with her (me that is)". Cue M would leave phone and F on the other line would support her. I think my friend is more likely to manage this issue herself because she's more independent in many ways than M. In fact I don't think she would see herself as dependent on her h at all. She is after all a different generation from M and F and emotionally relatively healthy, but with a few blind spots. So looming figure: her h in my mind and my F. :lightbulb: when I get off here I can put her h up on my Screen and set up my protective barriers. I put my friend on there earlier which helped.

Anyway, it's helped me to write this out. Earlier, I joined a Zoom meeting of a social group I'm in. That was quite fun and I felt less queasy afterwards, meaning the queasiness might not have been food-connected. I actually ate quite healthily today, tho I had some cravings. Allowed myself a little honey in a hot drink, otherwise didn't give into sugar-cravings. :thumbup:

An article Pioneer posted today (thanks Pioneer!) led me to read a further article https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201705/how-child-can-become-narcissist

While I do not think that I am a narcissist, I could see the Parent pattern and my main reaction to it. Scenario 2 The Devaluing Narcissistic Parent. The Devaluing Parent even devalues the other parent. M did this to F, she treated him like a child, scolding and berating etc. He also devalued her, but chose different ways of doing so, more covert.  The Devaluing Parent produces 3 different categories of children: the Defeated, the Angry, the Rebellious. There was some Angry and Rebellious in me but my main type is: Defeated.

"Some of these children simply give up and accept defeat.  In their teenage years, after decades of being told that they are worthless, they may spiral down into a self-hating shame-based depression.  Then to escape their inner shame, they may try to lose themselves in impulsive, addictive behaviors. Some become alcoholics and drug addicts, others spend their days on the internet.  They never achieve their potential because they have been convinced that they have none." btw if my parents read this, they'd zero in on the word "decades" to explain the worthlessness of the article and the author because after all if you're only in your teens, you have been told things for only one and half decades; "decades of" would imply 2 or probably even more like 3 or 4.

I fail to see why The Defeated Child could be classified as narcissistic. I'm not putting that shoe on. But I do see myself in the description. I was way too good and scared to try out drugs and I was totally averse to alcohol seeing what it did to M and F's relationship and to us as children as a result, but instead I ate and my SH method is impulsive and almost like an addiction. It's also shame-based and full of self-hate. I had another kind of perverse way of escaping the inner shame: I agreed with it. "Yes, I am a loser", "Well, I'm a failure so what do you expect?" etc In retrospect that's very sad :'( I hurt for me teenage self.

Reaching my potential: through recovery I've reached more of my potential than had I given up 20 years ago and not done tons of T etc, but it's like I'm decades behind where I could have been.

my dear blueberry,

my heart aches for your words, thoughts, feelings.  i know them for myself as well. while some things have changed, i'm basically isolated (covid notwithstanding) because i've had to let go of not only husbands but friendships also. i can't count how many of those letters i've written and re-written, trying to get the wording right.  i congratulate you heartily  :applause: for sending that letter to your friend.   well done! :thumbup:

when the whole sexual harrassment in the workplace movement began, one of the suggestions that stuck with me was this:  if someone crosses a boundary (and i'm not talking anything physical) once, it's not necessarily harrassment.  however, if you tell them not to do anything like that again, and they do anyway, then it's a different story.  i think the same thing can apply in relationships of any kind.  someone might mess up, step over another person's boundary cuz they didn't know about it, but once it's made known, and they do it again,  then something's wrong - that's a sign of disrespect, that your boundary is being ignored, disregarded, demeaned, or dismissed.  my opinion, but one i've taken to heart over the past few years, and it keeps making more sense the longer i contemplate it.

the idea of narcissists: i think we all have a bit of narcissism within us. we are born totally narcissistic, because our entire world is us, what we want, what we need.  that defeated child you wrote about - hmmm . . . i suppose, from one point of view, the idea of  isolating from the world could be construed as such, but i don't see it as a description for most of the people here, including you. my definition of narc.  as a personality disorder, (very different from having narc. traits) includes the intent to hurt others, put them down, etc. because they feel so little about themselves, and the only way they feel powerful or important is to step on others.

that defeated child may be narcissistic in that they're only thinking of themselves, but i don't see that as intent to do it in order to hurt someone else.  they're simply trying to ease their own pain, shame, and guilt. they may be running from themselves, but they're not trying to make someone else feel smaller in order that they can feel bigger.  that's a huge difference in my book.

again, my opinion only.  sending love and a hug filled with support, validation for your decision to send that message, and continued courage to take care of yourself.  you deserve it. :hug:

Hi Blueberry! I know there is a lot to process about growing with with NPs and the effects that has on us. I'm sending you my support  :hug:

Proud of you for saying stating your boundaries to your friend and for all your processing and self-care around that.

Thank you notalone, Pioneer and san   :grouphug:

My action of setting my friend a limit is feeling more and more normal. Just a thing you do rather than something scary. I haven't heard back from her yet but I did tell her to take her time considering the stress she is under.

I have received an acknowledgement of my letter, but with a plea to postpone for a while, due to work stress. I'm OK about that. I feel easier having had an acknowledgement.
__________________________________

Something I mentioned to somebody else in post yesterday then helped me. Sitting with feelings and especially allowing them to be. Last night I finally allowed myself to think and say "I don't want to work" (my professional paid work that is). I yawned and yawned (always a good sign for me) and then went all shivery. This morning I'm clearer-headed and once I did get up, I discovered I'm better able to get on with things, in this case housework.

I also have some more ideas on how I could earn a little bit more money, maybe. I have almost no clients atm. So considering contacting a school or maybe charity organisations to offer phone or computer help to school students who are really struggling. Teh schools are all closed and I know there are children struggling to keep up with all their work at home, especially those where the parents are at work all day or the parents had little schooling themselves or are refugees and can't understand the local language. It would be a bit like doing volunteer work but with some pay just till this lockdown is over and I start getting more properly-paid work. It would be helping others. This is a time when helping others is important. Helping children in need keep up with their learning.

Progress :cheer:

Thank you AlterEg0  ;D

On second thoughts... nice idea in my head and even seems to be giving me some energy, but there are still quite a few odds and ends to be tidied up/completed in my office, some of which are emotionally difficult. So, good to use present energy for that and then see. I also did have the idea of writing to my non-current students and offering them a Corona discount to come back for a while. Even just one or two additional students coming would be a help financially and also for my morale.

Recognising quite fast that I was about to expend more energy for not much pay while there are things undone in my office (because they're difficult or even triggering in some way) is also a step forwards :) :thumbup:

I landed in one of my types of SH last night combined with aggressive visions in my head. Now the picture of M in my head is huge. At least :lightbulb: I now know what I could do another time when I have an impulse to do that kind of SH - put the whole of FOO on a screen behind bulletproof glass and ship them off to the moon or to the forests of Nortern Scandinavia. I sent them to the moon yesterday.

In fact yesterday I made some progress partially just in putting FOO in a rocket and sending them to the moon but also by feeling beforehand why I suddenly wanted to eat something sweet: my ICr had gone on the rampage because I had forgotten to download a quiz before watching a show of local interest. It was such a minor thing but M is back in my head with her criticisms etc. I won't repeat them. Watching the show was fun without being able to take part in the quiz. Anyway right before reaching for something to eat, I started tapping instead. I don't think I really even had a sentence, more just "I accept myself"(in general). I yawned like crazy at almost all EFT spots including ones where I almost never yawn.

So another time when I have addiction impulses I could also try tapping anything or even nothing - just simply tap and see what comes. So, yeah, after a backslide like last night progress comes. I feel better having written that out instead of ashamed at having given into that addictive behaviour.

I did almost zero today. Well, I gave my pet most of her meds though I didn't take my own. I played Patience most of the day, asking myself from time to time what would be the easiest most beneficial thing I could do but then didn't reach a conclusion or attempt to do anything beneficial. I even had EFT and/or Screen work on my list of Possibles for today. Did neither. During my endless Patience games, I did come up with what had triggered me into SH with aggressive visions yesterday. I haven't felt into anything or tried to process though.

 :grouphug:

Thank you notalone  :hug:

_____________________
I haven't been on for a couple of days. I spent the time in bed, reading, dozing and occasionally getting up to eat, drink or feed my pets. But that was it. Reading means escaping from my own life for a while. Slipping into somebody else's, some fictional person's life for a while.

Today I was teaching, which was obviously good, that I had to was good I mean.

Then I saw an email response from the friend who carried information to my parents about me. She doesn't understand since the information she passed on seemed harmless to her. And if my parents contacted her again about a letter going missing, she would tell them again that I haven't moved. She can't understand why there's a problem with that. She's not willing to put the phone down on them, though that's not what I asked her to do. I asked her to say "You have to ask Blueberry." But she's not willing to do that because it's just not the way she is or the way she would act towards anybody. I don't feel any better now than I felt while I was still waiting for an answer. While waiting I felt in limbo. Now I just feel limp and somehow at fault and confused and weak.

Hi Blueberry,
I hope it's not out of turn for me (i.e. inappropriate) to say that I feel annoyed with your friend for not maintaining the boundaries you asked her to provide with regard to communication with your parents.  I wanted to send you a hug, and share my thoughts about it, but at the same time, I hope that was ok to say that.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, I really appreciate your support. It's perfectly fine for you to say that. The inappropriate behaviour is that of my friend and my parents!

My 2 docs say that if anything turns up between appointments (which are now roughly 2 months apart with each doc), I should get in touch.

I did today with my psych doc :thumbup: after feeling some part in me going slightly haywire and feeling this part vergeing towards violence, which would only be acted out against me or turned inwards. So that's one good thing: I actually took one of my docs up on his offer which I didn't manage in late December.

My doc helped me see that I'm not crazy or expecting too much of a friend. He sees my friend's behaviour in an even worse light than I see it.

I say to myself it's no wonder I'm feeling somewhat down i.e. I've gone sprawling as I relive how my FOO acts towards me and now see how a friend got sucked into their "Poor us" approach and can't see it as inappropriate.

In her responses - all via email - she even sounds slightly hysterical. Although I said I would like her to say "You have to ask BB" she understood I expect her to put the phone down.  ???   She lists ways in which I'm making her life difficult (heard this one before) but she refuses to send the ball back into the court of other people e.g. her H and my parents with a simple "you have to ask BB".

Anyway, I will reply in due course. However other things are going through my head like me questioning the friendships I get myself into. Having friends who stand up for my parents or other FOO mbrs. Or having friends who can't accept when I set them a limit or a boundary though they expect me to accept theirs. The particular two I can think of there are now gone from my life. I thought I'd got the really toxic people out of my life, or out of my circle of acquaintances and friends only to find there's another layer to go through. There's more healing to do.  So I feel kind of dumb for not having realised this. So there's not just the remains of FOO stuff I'm going through, the struggle with people in my building, the even greater struggle I have with myself and my freelance work, but a bunch of stuff in friendships too. No wonder there's part of me that feels like throwing in the towel again, putting it gently. Not that I'm going to do anything. I promised my doc this morning that I wouldn't, but he didn't even really pay any attention to that because it's not the point, he knows that. That part of me is looking for help that's all.

Blueberry, I'm proud of you for contacting your doctor.

A person doesn't need to understand a boundary in order to respect it. They should just respect the person and therefore respect the boundary.

I think the work of recognizing unhealthy or toxic people in our lives is probably a life-long process. Other people change, new people come into our lives, we change and grow in wisdom and discernment.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 12, 2021, 04:01:07 PM
So there's not just the remains of FOO stuff I'm going through, the struggle with people in my building, the even greater struggle I have with myself and my freelance work, but a bunch of stuff in friendships too. No wonder there's part of me that feels like throwing in the towel again, putting it gently. 

Good that you are seeing the weight of all you are dealing with. Keep giving yourself grace and kindness. I care about you, Blueberry.  :hug:

Thank you so much notalone :) :hug:  It really means a lot. Especially reminding me to treat myself with grace and kindness, which is the opposite of listening to ICr. My doctor was talking too about my friend not having to understand but just to accept what I say. That didn't get through to my friend so next I'll throw in "respect" instead. But I also know if she has this mental block about understanding or accepting, there's probably not that much I can say to change her mind. My doctor did give me a suggestion, an analogy. 

There's another indication of the weight of things atm: I'm all confused about dates. I can see on my computer screen as I write that it's 13th February. Nevertheless while billing a client (also on my computer with today's date in full view) and writing her new appointment for next week I saw her name down on Thurs. 11th Feb. in my diary and understood that that was next week and felt confused that she was suggesting she come next week on Wed or Thurs. Fortunately I got myself sorted out before I contacted her to say "I have you down already for next week on Thurs." Also on Friday I was so desperate to get an appointment with doctor because it seemed I was going to have to wait over a week for my T appointment on Monday 15th February and I didn't see how I was going to manage that. So yeah, Friday was the 5th of Feb. for me although it was actually the 12th. It hasn't been quite this bad for a while, but I now understand better why I'm often completely incapable of sorting papers e.g. for my accountant by date. And also part of the reason why writing bills and other parts of admin work in my little business are so hard.

____________________
Today I also decided to treat myself better despite this friend not doing so and/or I decided against depression. I went for a walk in the sun and snow.   :sunny:

Would it help you to have a paper calendar of the entire month and cross off each day at the end of the day? I am a visual learner and sometimes I need to see the entire month, just like I also prefer an analog clock.

Thanks for your thoughts on this, notalone. Generally, I put a check mark in my diary next to an appointment that I've completed but when I get confused about what day it is that's not going to help. I might go and check off March instead, or something.  Anyway this is actually the first time that I've got weeks and days totally mixed up. Otherwise I have trouble putting papers in the correct order by date. It might be more helpful for me to go and reground instead.

This is so hard :'( :'( :'(

I have been working on a response to this friend, but I took a longish break when I noticed I was beginning to write in circles. Then I decided I don't have to write a response before I'm ready to do so. So far some of my response has been pretty direct. :thumbup: We've been friends for about 20 years, things are certainly going to shift if there is not a complete rift. She half-laments things like if she sort of follows what I want she won't feel comfortable visiting my parents in their home country.  It's hard for me to see that as such an issue. Let's see: due to my LC with FOO, I feel I've lost both my original home countries. Especially where my parents live now, it's such a small country, I wouldn't feel safe going, even if in some hypothetical non-Corona year, I had money in order to do so. When I mentioned to F upon leaving last time, that it was sad for me since being in that country gives me something, he said "Tough-o!". I'm not kidding.

I have also lost my nephews and nieces, including one godchild, who are all still children. I have lost one SIL (because I don't want to cause any problems between her and my B, her husband). Strangely now, I notice how terrible it feels this: I've lost my home countries, especially the one where my parents live, the closer one, the one where theoretically I could go sometime. Rn it feels worse than losing people. I have lost my uncles. I have lost any hope of ever having a family-of-origin other than 'in name only'. I have lost years and years of my life. I have been badly retraumatised twice in which I lost memories and even lost my ability to form new memories, as if I (temporarily??) lost part of my brain. Etc etc etc. 

I just need some time to come to the inevitable conclusion.

Actually my T helped me see that it might be possible to continue this friendship. Might. He doesn't know, but it could be worth trying. I note my friend is having an allergic reaction at the idea of me forbidding her contact with my parents and at my demanding she puts the phone down if one of them calls her. I didn't actually say any of that to her, that's her interpretation. So my T is saying that it could be worthwhile trying to clear up that misunderstanding and then seeing where we can go from there. Because this friend obviously is different from my parents and the rest of FOO - up until now I would have said she is one of my best friends and the idea of cutting the friendship totally is hard. So trying again with her is different from the 1 million times I've already tried with FOO.

The other thing T said was: one way to end this triangulation is to tell my friend and her husband that I don't want to hear of any contact whatsoever that they have with my parents or any information about their region of the country or anything like that. Not that my T said anything about this but I realise that going forwards I will not mention my parents or any FOO mbrs or anything about my past to my friend or her husband. Taboo subject. If our friendship survives it will certainly shift somewhat.

Back to the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I can't control anybody or their behaviour, but I can change mine. Changing mine is not in the way I was taught by FOO: shutting up and accepting. No, it's changing the way I interact with the person: stopping the dance, dropping the rope. No triangulation possible if I back out and leave them to it. I understand why I didn't back out and leave FOO to it as a child and teenager but I am no longer that child/teenager.

Hi, Blueberry.

Thanks for sharing your process with what's been going on -- it has helped me put some perspective on my own dealings with these sorts of things (I no longer have anything like even the distant contact you have, though I'm still dealing with intrusive thoughts that resemble what you've reported).

Anyway, I appreciated the reminder of the 3 c's -- about how you didn't cause, can't cure, and can't control (except one's own actions). There's some pain there, but so much common sense. Part of the deal with cptsd, at least for me, is circling back to the vantage point of self-realization, and that I have the strength to do this, stepping further away from dropping into the trap of feeling like a victim.

Sorry to bop into your journal like this; all I wanted was to acknowledge how your approach has also helped fortify my own outlook in these sorts of situations.

Thank you woodsgnome for acknowledging and validating, no need for apologies at all. I know some mbrs on here don't want comments in their Journals but I've always been open to them.

With friendships I thought I was doing fairly well. From what I've read on here, many other mbrs have just a few friends or one or none but with obvious strengths where I don't, e.g. they're able to work enough to support themselves and/or they're in a partnership with children and/or they successfully launched their children into adulthood or at least they have enough energy to do the housework, look after themselves and their pets. I have ended a friendship or two since I've been on this forum, but I never thought I'd be coming close to ending this particular one. Yet, I guess some glimpses of problems were there, I had just not wanted to look at them. There were also some remarks or actions in the past which hurt me but I decided to forgive and forget. One instance still hurts a little when I think about it and it's also a loyalty issue, though nothing to do with FOO. Anyway, so I would say I've discovered that I'm not doing as well with friendships as I'd thought. As notalone posted further back, it's a life-long process.
- - - - -  -

I feel heartily sick of quite a lot of stuff atm. I do understand the need for lockdown and I am sticking to it, but I suddenly feel sick of it too. I could be doing things to make it easier for me e.g. going for a walk daily, singing with CDs daily, but I'm not. OK, well I know it's depression.

Although what I have been doing is: drinking tea, taking some of my meds, giving my little pet some of hers, sleeping at night, keeping warm, phoning and/or emailing other friends i.e. reaching out instead of pulling way, way back. I also ate a salad today, which was way healthier than anything else I had been eating recently.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 16, 2021, 09:35:25 PM
Although what I have been doing is: drinking tea, taking some of my meds, giving my little pet some of hers, sleeping at night, keeping warm, phoning and/or emailing other friends i.e. reaching out instead of pulling way, way back. I also ate a salad today, which was way healthier than anything else I had been eating recently.

:cheer: 

I felt kind of rushed by my friend to send her a reply by yesterday because of her work schedule and because she pointed out how much work she has atm, but in the end I didn't send her a reply. I worked on the reply but couldn't complete it. It's good for me that I didn't complete it because I have different thoughts now.

She feels put on the spot by me to choose between her vague acquaintanceship with my parents and a long-term friendship with me, which is especially difficult for her because her H has a less vague acquaintanceship with my F than my friend does with both my parents. I realise the choice I'm giving her is difficult for her because of her mindset and her lack of knowledge of relationship trauma, but what she is expecting from me is that I accept that she continues contact with my parents and answers questions about me that she considers OK instead of saying "I'm very sorry but you have to ask BB". I'm not going to accept that, but if I were to, I would be choosing her friendship and her vision of my boundaries towards my parents over my own feelings of what is right in my situation and especially choosing her vision over my own recovery. I'm not willing to do that.

If I were to go along with her vision of healthy relationships (towards her, towards my parents or other FOO mbrs), I would be sabotaging my own recovery. I have done quite enough of that in the past because of not knowing, not understanding the complexities of dysfunctional families and because of simply not daring.

I'm trying to stay in present-day but I am remembering a few situations with this friend, e.g. in January this year, so not that long ago where I feel her response to me was inappropriate about something I said about my current relationship to my parents. She had kind of a laugh in her voice when she pointed something out to me which was obvious to her but I don't think is correct. My impression is that she thinks she knows more about recovery from cptsd than she actually does. In my own family dysfunction, I'm the expert, sort of. Of course, my T is still helping me, as are other mbrs on here, and sometimes I read up on theory or just have to wait till some recovery comes along for me, but there's no way that a friend who has done 20? or 40? sessions of therapy due to burn out and maybe some codependent behaviour but not early childhood trauma has more idea than me what is going on in my FOO. This friend can interact much differently with her own FOO than I can with mine. She can tell her mother "No" without her brother leaping in to defend the mother. In fact this friend probably believes like my parents and other FOO mbrs (and as I thought too for a long time) that I just have to get over the trauma, tweak a few things in my life, develop a bit more backbone or something, gain more self-confidence and then I can go back to normalish contact with FOO. As most of us on here as well as on OOTF who are LC, VLC or NC with (some) FOO realise, that's not the case. (It could be the case for one or two mbrs on here, I don't want to categorically rule that out but it's not generally the case.) I haven't imparted this information to FOO yet and in fact it hasn't been my intention to do so. This friend and FOO mbrs do not realise that in order to recover to some degree from the trauma I have to avoid any situations in which I could be retraumatised (basically any contact to FOO and contact to people who don't 'believe in traumatisation' and will start arguing it with me the way FOO would) and I have to stand up for myself and my feelings going forwards instead of shoving my feelings under the rug and/or putting up with things because that's expected of me.

In the country I live in 'friend' and 'friendship' are not words you bat around to refer to anybody and everybody. There is a real cultural difference between 'friend' and 'acquaintance'. You use the word for 'acquaintance' far more than you would in English. This is (or was?) actually a friendship, whereas what this friend has with my parents is acquaintanceship, even according to her. If I retain this friendship, it will certainly change. It will have to because I will end the triangulation, as my T suggests. I don't feel as sad or as devastated about it as I did a few days ago.

Today I have been getting on with a few things instead of vegging out. Vegging out is probably just being in an EF for me, because that's the conscious decision I came to as a child or early teenager, around 11 yo I think. Decision to not do anything because whatever I did was inevitably wrong and at least if I did nothing I wouldn't waste any energy. I was always short of energy back then too. For me it still feels difficult to keep going day after day, using energy, when so long ago I made this decision, kind of like a commitment to not do anything, to lapse into depression. Depression as the best choice in my situation then. Although I'm no longer that child, that teenager, it's still very easy to drop back into that frame of mind. Often when the time comes where I set a boundary or a limit then I have more energy and I leave that depressive state. So maybe the depressive state is a semi-permanent EF. idk.

This post is very long but it's on my Journal ;) and nobody has to read it who doesn't have the wherewithal or wish to. It details an important piece of progress for me.

I couldn't sleep well last night. After doing parts of a crossword puzzle in bed, I tried some EFT and then started reading about healing in relationships in Pete Walker's "From Surviving to Thriving". It made a lot of sense for my present situation. I was busy with my pencil, underlining. Again. I noticed where I've made improvement :thumbup: :cheer: and I also noticed various things pertaining to the friend I'm attempting to communicate with.

I'm working on a further email to her, having discarded the previous incomplete one because things have evolved in my head and particularly in my feelings. My email sounds quite harsh. Maybe I'll try and soften it a bit, but otoh she didn't seem to worry about the effect her words and actions would have on me. She has a lot of work and stress at work, but she didn't ask me whether it's a good time for me to be dealing with any of this (or getting a minor EF). It's not a good time at all. So I think 'sorry, if you act as an unwanted go-between from my parents to me, then you just might have to deal with some fall-out at a time that doesn't suit you!'

Blueberry, this situation with your friend had been painful and heavy. You are giving the situation a great deal of careful and wise thought.

Thank you for your validation and compassion on this notalone :hug:

It really is a difficult topic for me to be dealing with. More and more is becoming clear. I haven't sent that email yet, and it's OK because my thoughts and my realisations are still evolving.

It's also been going on for a month now. No wonder self-care is so difficult for me atm. Still, my T said months ago that once you've reduced contact to FOO and set limits, it'll get easier doing those with other people because it really is the hardest with FOO, maybe because that's the primary bond we're genetically programmed to uphold at all costs. Or maybe my T just means in my case. He's right. This one with my friend is taking a lot out of me. Not much energy left for anything else of note atm but I haven't dissociated for days on end or ended up in inpatient T. Many years ago one of two catalysts that threw me into inpatient T was my little pet dying. That wouldn't throw me any more, nor does potentially losing who I thought was a good friend.

I've just been catching up with your journal, Blueberry. I think I'd find the situation with your friend painful and also destabilising. :hug:

As you say, it's ok that you haven't sent the email yet, and it's positive that you haven't dissociated for days or gone into inpatient T.

Thank you for your empathy and validation, Snowdrop  :hug:
________________________

3 Good Things Today:
On the 3rd time I got out of bed I remained up :thumbup:
I took my medicines.
I realised I'm low in energy for a reason and so I'm allowing myself to go slowly today and not forcing myself to do things.
+ some more:
I have done a few things off my Could list and even a few things that weren't on it but that I realised needed to be done
I signed up for a professional seminar that I really want to do.
I took breaks throughout the day
After I got out of bed the third time, I changed my clothes in order to go out looking more respectable. I felt better :)

Less good: Slipped back into unhealthy childhood coping mechanism. Twice. Probably connected to these ongoing problems with the friend mentioned further back.

I realise I need to wait a little while to start doing more EFT again. It's a "cure-all" but the very fact that it does some linking to the amygdala (apparently) means it's strenuous for me.

I'm doing better today. Went back to bed only once and got up again after drinking my tea w/o much struggle. Have had all my meds and given my little pet her internal ones anyway. I don't do the external one daily anyway because it stresses her to be picked up. I also did a little cleaning and tidying in office and apartment. Sometimes I have written "and it's not even 9am yet". This time: it's not noon yet. Way better than yesterday though  :)

Copied over from notalone's Journal or other thread: "I feel like I take good steps in therapy, then other stuff comes in and completely disrupts my momentum." It's the same for me. Although I think "the other stuff" rn in my life is less daunting in practical ways than what you're going through notalone, this really resonates for me with the stuff with my friend. (Is she still a friend? I haven't decided yet. The next bits of correspondence from me and then her will probably clarify.) Resonates also for my progress in previous years. I am stabilising, I know that. I don't get thrown or blown over quite as much as in the past but still more than would be 'normal' for someone w/o cptsd. Well, I haven't really been thrown by this (not like I used to be) but it's still an interruption to the other healing that was going on and has meant that I've put other important stuff on the backburner (again) recently.  :pissed: Not at myself because I accept my pace here but at a friend who thinks it's OK to assume she knows better than I do about my necessary boundaries with my narc parents, or as they say over on OOTF, Narents.

Came onto computer wanting to finally complete some emails of a difficult nature: boundaries etc for the one friend and for my parents but I feel soooo exhausted.

Wasn't till hours later that I remembered a helpful tool: put FOO up on my Imaginary Screen behind bullet proof glass and send them on a rocket ship to the moon. Did that today during T. Would be useful to put my friend (?) on the Screen too and see what else I need to do to her e.g. just make her size of postage stamp or send her 100km away...

Today my T agreed with me that it's a little strange that this friend who volunteers for an association that helps abused women (incl. emotionally/psychologically abused) leave their marriages seems so clueless about my need to have control over the amount and type of information reaching my FOO as well as when, so all content has to go directly via me instead of via anybody else. Well, people are blind to what they don't want to see.

I haven't managed to write to her yet but I know from previous difficult correspondence that I'll manage when the time's right.

Today in T we worked on something else which was very important. Touches on mental blockages. I've just enrolled in a few hours professional education webinar on an up and coming branch of translation which I think I would be good at. A few weeks ago I was hit by a downer from my ICr saying: "Forget it. You can learn new stuff but you can't implement it and earn money off it." Well, I went ahead and signed up a few days ago anyway. The work in T took me back to my 14 yo self and being told by B1 that I could forget translation as a career because being good at language isn't enough, you've got to have in-depth knowledge of a specialised topic, as if anybody at 14 has that! But I didn't know that then. I had no idea that you could learn about a legal or technical or... or... field and translate that. Due to many things including collapse 20 years ago, I'm not really specialised in any field now, but I used to be. Nevertheless this vote of no-confidence when I was 14 is still stuck in me.

When I was 14, I was actually in a better place than in many other years. My parents treated me better because they were happier with life that year, they even protected me from B1 sometimes. I did better at school, didn't get so many of what I called 'grey-outs' (because everything in my mind would suddenly go grey and I would become confused and not understand basic English or what a teacher wanted from me), suddenly I could do math too. But still despite doing better and being treated better this negation by my teenage B that I didn't have the necessary knowledge to do specialised translations seems to have made an unfortunate difference till today. Both my brothers had areas of 'talent' that were recognised in FOO. B1 did a particular competitive sport. Idk that he was that good but anyway according to him at the time that would have been enough knowledge for specialised translations (actually it probably wouldn't have been and it certainly wouldn't have brought in enough orders). Needless to say, I didn't have any areas of talent recognised in FOO that were special to me.

But my session in T went off on a different tangent anyway. Another problem in my professional work - whether teaching or translating - is the feeling that in my native language and my people skills I'm often stuck in my 16yo who has no idea of business language or knowledge on how to run a little business, no idea how to teach and is often totally overwhelmed doing translations for a host of different reasons. My 16yo part feels frozen. I go totally blank at the idea of many things, including client acquisition but I also know that doing a course in that would only help me very marginally.   So my homework for the next while is to transport my 16yo self to the country we lived in when I was 14 and where my parents treated me better so everything in my life functioned better. It wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, partially because I was already pretty emotionally damaged, but it was a lot better. So every day imagine my 16yo where the 14yo was. I'm yawning now just writing about it, which means something is changing already :thumbup: My 16yo part gets smiley when I transport her to that country. Not that moving there now is the answer, not at all. Among other things I can't go back to the time of my 14yo self and anyway 5-10 minutes a day in my imagination is very different from actually living there.

Possibly working on that will help the 14yo part as well, or maybe that will need different work. The problem coming from my 14yo self feels less big, although it still has a pretty detrimental affect on me, but I suppose it feels less daunting because my 14yo self isn't totally frozen unlike my 16yo self.

Hi Blueberry,
I have skim-read what you wrote, because my processing ability is a bit limited today, but you wrote "people are blind to what they don't want to see" and that struck me as being a very pertinent observation to make - i.e. I really related to it.  I think it is true.  I think there's often a filter in so many situations, making certain aspects less clear/visible.

I want to also send you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope,  :hug: back to you.

I've written a lot of text recently :spooked: No wonder you can only skim-read!

I'm not much further with communicating to my friend. I get kind of confused in my head from time to time. I want to write but then find myself doing a bit too much JADE - especially the justifying part of that. Justifying my behaviour versus FOO on the basis of trauma and traumatisation and then realising that this friend may dismiss me as FOO does on account of my traumas, saying/or acting as if: "it's because you're traumatised=sick=psycho" e.g. with comments like "that's just projection" though it may well not be. In fact I don't think it is.

As Kizzie wrote in a response to notalone "you're a person with CPTSD in active recovery which means you are improving aspects like self-worth, boundaries, etc., and that may be making him more fearful". The fact I'm in active recovery seems to bypass some people too. Either they seem to think I'm too slow in my recovery OR they're not so pleased with the results when they realise I am recovering but not in a way they'd like to see. Because I might stand up for myself or say "No" and say what I would like in a particular situation. It's tough when you're moving forwards and people around you aren't or maybe they are in a different way but they're not expecting you to be doing so and are not accepting of it.

On the face of it, I always used to think FOO would be delighted if I got well again - had more energy, would be able to work properly and just 'be normal' which is what I wanted for a long time too. After Horrible Event No. 2, I realised FOO would be delighted only if the world remained normal for all of them, if none of them had to accommodate me in any way - so not allow me a request or a mere suggestion or an opinion that differs from theirs, never mind me saying "No" or otherwise 'being rude' :stars: Saying 'no' is rude?? If I do it, it is.

Idk exactly what is going on in my friend's head, but I have read comments of hers in the correspondence so far and it doesn't sound that good. She doesn't always agree with the way I tackle conflicts. Idk if she means conflicts with her or in general. I rather think the latter since this is the first time I've really broached a conflict with her and not backed down again. Anyway I do know that when the time is right, I'll get going with my email response.

I had a bad dream last night. It was about my friend having contacted my parents, checking if some of the things I've said over the years about FOO are correct. Of course FOO denied these. My friend ended up on their side, against me. That isn't actually reality. Although it does feel as if she is on their side morally-speaking.

I have a lot of other things to write this week, especially income-producing so that's more important than improving on email to said friend, obviously.

On Sunday afternoon I did some work at the farm, finally, for the first time since the summer when I could work outdoors. On Sunday things are quiet and I was able to do indoor work on my own, so conforming to Covid regulations. Not done that type of work since last January or February. Somehow I hadn't been thinking that I might not remember it exactly! It's fairly easy work and I've done most of it often enough in the past. But a few small things never. Had to make a few independent decisions, which is often very anxiety-ridden for me. It wasn't really this time, so that's definitely an improvement for me :cheer:

There's one part of the work which I previously found very frustrating - I'd feel like throwing things (not that I ever did) and just feel very frustrated, especially at the length of time it takes me to do it. I felt much calmer this time, although that could be because nobody came along to ask me if I was finished. Because when somebody does that, I automatically assume that translates to "You're working too slowly."

Other than the previous frustrating work, I usually work with somebody else, doing assistant tasks. I did wonder how much I might miss the people aspect of the farm, so working with others and keeping up with their rhythm. I wondered if I might feel lonely, working away on my own for hours, or if the farm work wouldn't be so beneficial for me. None of that was an issue. It was really beneficial for me being up at the farm. In the two days since, I've been better at getting on with little things that need to be done, especially household type stuff. But also tackling papers - have sorted through some and thrown out unnecessary stuff, something I'd been putting off for months.

My income-producing work isn't actually due as soon as first intimated, so I've had time to do some other things today. While doing some cleaning, I was pondering the FOO issue I'm having with that one friend. I thought of writing something like: "I want FOO to contact me directly, not via you." And then I was thinking about how my parents need to ring my doorbell metaphorically-speaking instead of just marching in (or being let in by this friend). The word "violation" occurred to me. It feels as if my parents are violating my boundaries and this friend is helping them do so.

Then an old memory came up, something out of my childhood that I never actually forgot - it's not a suppressed memory. I don't think it's abuse although probably F could have handled the situation better. Sometimes there were books or toys that my brother and I shared. One of those books was in my bookcupboard in my room. I wanted my brother to ask if he could come in and take it, but he just took it. Idk why it was so important for me to have him ask because I wasn't planning to withhold it, but it obviously was super-important to me. I obviously wasn't too good at verbal expression yet though I must have been 7 or 8yo so I cried or yelled or a combination maybe. F came along and threatened corporal punishment if I did that again. B took the book w/o asking so I cried or yelled again, cue corporal punishment as threatened. It's a very hurtful memory because I suppose this 'not-asking' feels like violation.

I suppose back in the 70's many parents would have reacted the way F did or now they might not do the corporal punishment but they'd give a child acting that way a time-out. Whereas I think I really needed somebody to understand and talk to me. Maybe even explain that it wouldn't seem right to B1 to have to ask if he could open my cupboard and take the shared book out. But I notice as I write about him opening up my cupboard how my body really tenses up. Maybe that's what is called 'body armouring'. The only thing I can think of is that crying/yelling/screaming about the book occasion was maybe a kind of stand-in for objecting to other forms of violation I felt that I couldn't pinpoint at all (emotional/psychological ones) or could never have said (CSA). Even now the word 'violation' is very new in my active vocabulary and certainly for referring to myself. Though now I remember him coming into my room when I was older and looking in something particular of mine even though I said "No" and it was very personal and private. So maybe Little Blueberry sensed even back then that B1 violated my privacy somehow, even if it didn't seem that way outwardly to F?

I think F could have maybe handled it better by asking what was going on rather than just threatening punishment and then carrying it out. otoh I undoubtedly couldn't really verbalise it and one previous time when I did manage to verbalise there was corporal punishment because in effect I was saying "No" to B1 which was not allowed. Though on that particular occasion where I did manage to verbalise, Little Blueberry was totally in the right about saying "No".

Writing that all out has helped me sort things a bit better and remember to think back to a particular motherly figure who was present in my childhood though she was a family friend not a relation. Maybe she would have understood a child's need to talk about the situation, to get to the bottom of what was going on emotionally rather than just being hit so as to not react again in a similar situation. Anyway it's helping Little Blueberry atm to think of her. Before I started writing on here I knew I in my present-day Adult should (oh there's that 'should' again) comfort Little Blueberry but I had no idea how. i just knew I felt ashamed of and embarrassed about my reactions then and ashamed and embarrassed that the situation still bothers me now. I felt ashamed partly because I thought everybody would immediately see my parents were in the right and I was in the wrong. But now it doesn't seem to me it's so much a question of right and wrong but more how much the emotional side of things was missing and how much 'might is right' ruled, even if the corporal punishment was in the main probably fairly mild for back then. TW But it was very problematic because when M did it, there was CSA mixed in. End TW
I notice much more in retrospect than at the time how much there was acceptance of a little violence to keep the children in check (and B1 was permitted to pass that on). Easier for M and F just to hit out than try and teach us about compromise or asking each other politely or even trying to help us figure out our own emotions and why we acted a particular way. At least some of the time. I know in day-to-day life parents just don't always have the time or patience or whatever, but if my parents had done that at least sometimes it might have helped. But I imagine with their low emotional IQs and disparaging of my feelings anyway, there's just no way they could or would have done that.

I seem to need to get to the core or at least nearer the core of some issue before I can start to grieve it or even approach Little Blueberry.

Enough of that for this evening.

Blueberry, I appreciate what you said and resonate with your experience.  I too was "taught" through punishment or fear of punishment and I appreciate you raising the question of why parents didn't ask more questions or approach differently.  This gives me a new way to frame thinking about the core of my stuff too, so thank you for sharing.  Best wishes with your pondering.

Thank you for your observation, rainydiary. It goes along the line of how my mind continued to work after I had written: in trying to understand my past and my deep hurts from childhood, it's not just about abuse, it's about what was missing too! It's about what I needed and simply couldn't get in my family.

Maybe my needs were way ahead of my time? Maybe more parents could give now what I needed then, maybe there is more knowledge in some parts of society anyway? But as I write that I realise I'm excusing my parents for coming from a different generation. A friend of mine is about 10 years younger than me and was slapped only once growing up. Otherwise her parents managed differently. A previous friend who was my age mentioned being slapped only twice, so obviously it's not just a generational thing. But lack of corporal punishment doesn't automatically mean children were brought up knowing about their feelings and how to navigate them.

The video I posted about here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14168.0 and some more videos I watched made by the same therapist really helped me shorten my email to that friend about choosing between me and my parents. I cut out a lot of the JADEing I was doing :thumbup:  I feel a lot stronger and a lot less as if I need to make her understand. That's one of the things this T says in his videos: people brought up in this sort of dysfunction spend years trying to make people understand, if not their FOO then other people. I haven't sent the email yet, I'll do that tomorrow, or well later today actually, but after some sleep is what I mean.

I just didn't get out of bed today at least not stay out till I had a video appointment at 2pm. I got up in time for that, even in time to half-way prepare for it :thumbup:

All this stuff with my friend is chasing around in my head and feelings atm. Then the videos I was watching are really helpful but maybe a little too much atm. otoh they are really helping me understand what's going on with my friend and where our friendship is unhealthy and where I need to set her limits. They are helping me not get side-tracked by comments of hers but just stick to what's important to me. They are also helping me gain a deeper understanding of FOO's dysfunction, which is good. Helps me stick to my resolve of keeping myself free and safe. A safe person. That's a concept the T in the videos mentions. One parent - the Enabler - seemed safer. This friend isn't as safe as I thought. Her H is not safe for me, but then I probably never thought he was. Or I instinctively knew he wasn't.

Yesterday I had an impetus to go for a walk along the river but then I didn't because I felt unsafe. Of course not because of the river but because of all this stuff going on in my emotions. I needed to be at home. And then today in bed, my super-safe spot.

I feel all bleary-eyed. I know it would have been beneficial for me to do some of my exercises like shoving FOO away with my arms or putting them on the Screen and sending them to the moon. I didn't think of it in time. It would be good to practise these things in general so that on another occasion I do think of it in time.

Quote from: Blueberry on March 03, 2021, 10:50:10 PM
It's a very hurtful memory because I suppose this 'not-asking' feels like violation.


The only thing I can think of is that crying/yelling/screaming about the book occasion was maybe a kind of stand-in for objecting to other forms of violation I felt that I couldn't pinpoint at all (emotional/psychological ones) or could never have said (CSA).

Maybe she would have understood a child's need to talk about the situation, to get to the bottom of what was going on emotionally rather than just being hit so as to not react again in a similar situation.

Little Blueberry needed someone to gently say, "You're really upset about B taking that book. Tell me what's happening," or something similar. As the T would say, attune to what you were feeling.

Your relating that incident to feelings of violation brought back a memory to me. Decades ago, I was in the psychiatric hospital. A rule was changed and something that I owned was taken from me. I went behind the nurses' desk and took it back. I fought for it, but lost and paid by something happening that was highly traumatizing. It makes sense to me that your B overstepping a boundary and taking the book, stirred up deep feelings of violation.

To Little Blueberry, I'm sorry that your F punished you for being upset. You were strong and brave to object to B taking something of yours. You had a right to cry and yell and to be angry. You are worthy to have had someone listen to your deep and important feelings.

Thank you, thank you, thank you notalone! You've given me words and a way to reach Little Blueberry that I was otherwise drawing a blank on. So I have been reaching out to her bit by bit since I read your post yesterday. Today (in my head) she is crying and screaming and being upset and angry, the way you said she has a right to be. That's news to her and to me the Adult in fact. I mean, I wouldn't react the way F did to Child me, but I think I still might feel clueless and not know how to react. Anyway, I'll keep going back into the situation with Little Blueberry bit by bit. Not really the memory, but more her feelings.

I'm sorry it brought up a memory for you too. But I sure can relate to traumatising events on the psych ward or similar places. :hug: :hug:

How do you parent yourself well, when you didn't have healthy, caring parents? It makes sense that you didn't know how to reach Little Blueberry. People (mostly therapists) have attuned to me and told me that I have the right to feel __________. I would not have know that on my own.

I'm glad Little Blueberry is able to cry and scream and be upset and angry. Those are difficult feelings to experience, but the feelings are real and valid.

Quote from: Blueberry on March 06, 2021, 12:12:59 PM
I'm sorry it brought up a memory for you too. But I sure can relate to traumatising events on the psych ward or similar places. :hug: :hug:

I'm going to write about this more in my journal, but I think it is good that this memory came up for me. It seems like the right time for it to be looked at and shared.

Thank you notalone for your observations and encouragement.

I have kind of shut down since then. Staying in bed or getting up and going back to bed. Or when in my office doing more or less nothing of any use. I vacuumed :thumbup: wrote some homework for a student and sent it and was here to collect a document a client brought. But I could have done so much more.

I suppose I did the easiest, which is sensible. I think I should be doing a bunch of therapy exercises to get myself back on track, since nobody else can do that for me. Oh there's that "should" again. Or at least easy household stuff which is grounding. And there's a lot needing to be done.  I'm not managing more than washing the dishes unfortunately.

I spoke to a friend yesterday who said among other things that it's no surprise that I feel all messed up after the letter I sent to the friend who is having trouble knowing whether to support me or my parents.

I second what your friend said. Confrontation, like with that letter, is a big thing, and very difficult to do. It is no surprise at all it has had an impact on you.

I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of place, but I want to observe that you seem so hard on yourself. You're always an inspiration to me (even if it is a bit intimidating), with how well you set boundaries, and deal with people, and then still getting things done around the house/office, even if it is not as much as at an easier time. Getting all that stuff done is important, but it is also very important to take care of yourself.

I feel like I'm saying this all wrong, and I'm sorry again, if so. It would just be great to see you appreciate yourself more. I know sometimes that's impossible, but I appreciate you too.

Thank you Jazzy. You're not saying anything all wrong! In fact when I used to be in group therapy on long weekends or inpatient what I very often heard was: "You are so hard on yourself." so it is very good you are reminding me. It's like I'm treating myself the way FOO treated me.

I do have quite a lot of work to do atm, but the bigger stuff isn't due till at the latest end of the month so it's OK for me to be taking some time off to do what feels like nothing. I go back to bed quite a lot and read books like Harry Potter I know almost off by heart, but then I remember mbrs on here saying my bed is obviously my safe place so it's OK to go back there. I'm also eating a lot.

Musing on the fact that I tend to have really close friendships and then something happens where I realise this person wasn't treating me very well.

I decided yesterday evening it's time I got back on track. Tried various late last night and this morning. Tapping, fake it till you make it, just doing things though I don't want to e.g. tidying, taking meds, eating, drinking, other basic self-care e.g. brush teeth, brush hair, even a little cleaning, pet care. None of it too helpful except obviously getting the tasks themselves done. Also reading and writing in my paper Journal. Reading all the useful exercises my T has given me over the years and which I'm not doing or haven't been doing nearly enough of. There is some in me of: Please somebody else take care of me i.e. do the work for me.
It's good I wrote that last sentence because it's making me feel sad. There's a sad Little Blueberry. But present-day Adult me can look after Little Blueberries. It's important I do so too for many reasons, one being that when I don't then I tend to get dependent on other people, who then tend to take care of me too much or in the wrong ways. Like with the friend with whom I have a major rift.

It's not so surprising I have been having trouble feeling or wanting to feel because yesterday late evening a bunch of images arrived which I certainly didn't want to see or feel. I did manage to send them away, just thinking about my Screen and rocket ship to moon.

The most prominent feeling in me atm is aggression, which I'm turning on myself. SH (non-bloody). On top of the aggression is numbness. I've been here before. Anyway, I've left it all a bit late (but at least I wrote it down), I need to prepare for my student. At least I enjoy teaching, mostly, and on my list for today is find Joys, which can be as simple as: the sun is shining through my tulip bloom.

Now I'm realising that not too long ago confronting this friend would have led to feelings of either SI or I-had-better-leave-the-country. I know it wouldn't have been real SI. I wouldn't have been in any danger of doing it. It's something Pete Walker refers to but I can't remember what he calls it. But it's something like the EF to a much earlier time in life when there was no escape except possibly SI is so intense that it triggers back to these feelings/thoughts of in my case ... Well I won't spell them out partly because I don't have any words, more just a feeling. Anyway this evening a glimpse of them came but they are far, far less intense than they used to be.  :thumbup:

I do have feelings of aggression. Even the way I eat is aggressive. Also feeling aggressive about a neighbour where I think my feelings are much above what could be warranted.  :fallingbricks:   Fortunately I have T tomorrow, even though I think I ought to be able to reduce my feelings by myself. ought to = should. Not always helpful. What did help me was thinking back to one of the videos I've linked to recently or a similar one where the T tells his 2 clients they're in Flashback City. Helped me realise I was or am today too.

Today in T: aggression is an energy. It's what we do with that energy that defines it and decides whether the action is 'good' or 'bad'. I have been using the energy to defend myself and to set limits, but very reluctantly. And then turning the aggression against myself: SH, eating aggressively (bad for the digestion is ultimately bad for me) and eating too much in  my I-just-don't-care aggressive haste is obviously a misuse of food.

Then not wanting to feel my aggression so Not-Doing tons of stuff I ought to be doing and even want to do or where at least I want and need the result (cleaned parts of apartment, tidied desk, head and soul cleared of FOO for time being etc.) but instead disappearing off to bed re-reading books I know more or less off by heart i.e. slipping into somebody else's life, even if imaginary person's. Then falling asleep and dreaming aggressive things but ultimately asleep = state of inertia where I am Not-Doing. That was safest in my childhood but not now.

My T was also reminding me obliquely to not turn aggression against myself verbally. I did go back to my paper Journal to see what exercises I could do and I did realise I could practise them more often. The ones I tried yesterday or the day before didn't bring the desired result because clear in hindsight that I needed different ones though the different ones are ones I know. So today in T it was a bit like a synthesis of a whole bunch of different exercises.

Not 'liking' aggression is not liking what M and B1 did with it, how they expressed it. Important to note that I don't act the way they do! Not only do I not act it out physically! But I don't slam people I like or even don't like with derisive, untrue comments. My T said it's really, really important for me to learn the difference between aggression how it was dealt with in my FOO against me and how I express aggression now. Think I'm repeating myself here, but T repeated himself too because he said it's SO important. And I realised too. Aggression is the energy that allows you into Fight mode and fight isn't bad if you're using it to stand your ground, to defend yourself. In fact Fight is much better for me in this instance than Freeze and Flight and Fawn. Anyway, I need to go and teach.

Blueberry, those are really big insights. The thought of not wanting to feel the aggression, and then the things you did/didn't do to avoid feeling it, makes sense and is a new thought for me. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks notalone, they were big insights. Glad they were helpful to you too.

I haven't written on here since then. Unfortunately not because I have been getting on with useful or helpful things. I haven't. Been roaming around the internet instead. Don't have much motivation for anything atm.

What did come up a few days ago in addition to everything is that now I've told my friend she has to decide between supporting me and supporting my parents my VVVLC with them feels irrevocable. I hadn't been considering revoking it actually, but it feels more firm now. But not in a good way. More - this seems frightening. Like 'Oh no, what have I done?' Maybe that's just shame kicking in. I know shame isn't mine though, it's theirs.

It's understandable Blueberry, take the time you need. Sometimes it is best not to push too hard. I have been thinking about you in your absence, and would like to offer some positivity.

I'm usually not one for imagery, and I don't know if this will connect with you or not, but when I read what you wrote about it seeming frightening, I thought of a baby learning to walk. I'm sure it is very frightening at first, and uncomfortable, and shaky, and not very efficient... but it is for the best, and things get better and easier with time, practice and positive re-reinforcement.

Good job "standing up for yourself", even if it was internally. I hope you're feeling better soon! :)

Thank you Jazzy! Your imagery is very applicable actually.  :)   I read it yesterday and it helped.

This morning I grabbed one of my trauma healing books, not translated into English so I can't give a title. It's actually quite a simple, straightforward book with suggestions on what can help outside therapy and how to go about improving your own resilience. I was re-reading a page on the 6 Most Common Virtues: Wisdom/Knowledge; Courage; Fairness/Justice; Love and Humanity; Spirituality; Moderation. There is a list of possible examples for each virtue - 24 in all. These are referred to as strengths and the idea is to see which of these you have and then maybe narrow down to 5 to concentrate on. I find that simply reading the strengths and thinking about the ones I have and/or practise and also ones I used to practise (more) and envisioning these has helped me feel better this morning. "Better" means my posture is straighter, I feel more in my Adult, I can feel into some of my life's plans instead of simply feeling depressed and who-cares-might-as-well-go-back-to-bed.

What has helped particularly this morning: Sense of beauty (part of Spirituality). I wouldn't say the new trousers I'm wearing are beautiful exactly but they make me feel better than wearing some old ragged stuff that doesn't fit well and they probably even look better for other people. So how I show myself affects me and the world around me. Not that it's my job to improve the world around me but so long as it's not contrary to my own purposes, it's an added bonus and also part of the virtue Humanity.

So looking at these virtues and trying to include them in daily life is like an overarching goal. That's good and helpful for me when I'm feeling at a loss, as I have been recently with a friendship looking shaky, me feeling ever more estranged from FOO and irrevocably so, and going back to feeling like throwing in the towel work-wise.

Reading that book I mentioned which doesn't exist in English reminds me it's one of the books I would consider trying to translate into English (involves finding a publisher first, among other things) which in turn reminded me of my goal to sign up for a spot in translation summer school. They're still accepting early bird registrations in fact, but all the places in my language combination are gone. That isn't so surprising actually but I'm not haranguing myself over it. Just starting to look at what other resources there might be online, other online courses. The summer school was just going to be 3-4 days anyway. Undoubtedly helpful but not all I would have needed.

Recently I signed up on a completely different website where there are discussions. I've brought some of my knowledge from here :whistling: to the forum (just in pretty vague terms of course) and my interest in language. I've liked quite a few posts, some of mine have been liked too. I've liked some posts and then some contrary responses to those posts too. As if saying "you have a point! But you do too!"

This evening I wrote a pretty long post about something that was getting on my nerves a bit. I got some likes on it, but also somebody replied along the lines of 'getting sick of posts like yours' and arguing some point where I think to myself that the poster just doesn't get it i.e. is incapable of understanding the difference. I logged off :thumbup: but I'm also managing to not get in a stew about it :applause: or think I have to convince this person. I can also live with knowing that somebody disagrees with me in a factual argument, well I can live with it so far anyway where I'm off that forum :whistling: This may not sound particularly important but it is for me coming from the FOO I come from where individuating (which includes forming your own opinions and 'putting them out there') is pretty much taboo and for me as SG completely taboo. As some Ts have said in the past (it's true too): "individuation leads to BB being cut off".

One thing I know I was worried about in translation summer school was voicing opinions, discussing language. otoh it's something I'd love to do, but on the other hand it's so fraught with FOO-related difficulties for me. And now I've just done it on a forum that's not a safe space the way OOTS is :cheer:      One instance is possibly not enough to help me out at the summer school (even if I had a place) but it's certainly a step forwards!

I got an email response from my friend this evening. It's not worst-case scenario, at least not on first reading. No actually not on second or third reading either. In fact she has agreed that she can say to my parents what I've requested, something along the lines of "You have to ask BB" :thumbup:

By the third reading I realised she just doesn't understand how telling me what my parents said to her is triangulating, not that I even used the word "triangulation", but she doesn't realise that in telling me what she does, she's not passing on facts she passing on emotions and her interpretation. "Your M is so worried, I could really hear it in her voice" is not a fact. However, this too, just like on the other forum, is not something I need to convince her of or am even capable of doing so. So my stipulation that I don't want to hear anything that my parents might say or do covers her inability to comprehend. It was actually my T who suggested I end the triangulation by setting that limit.

Her email, not being worst-case scenario, comes as a relief. I could feel the burden of who knows what slipping off my shoulders, my feet felt lighter, I was suddenly able to go back to my summer school application partly filled in. It's too late for that now, but again one reason not to harangue myself because this problem with my friend has obviously had a big effect and a somewhat detrimental one too over the past 7-8 weeks. It just shows me how much the relational aspects still have an effect. Next time I need to confront a close friend it'll be a little easier. Or if I ever had to, e.g. if I ever ended up in a romantic relationship, it would be good to be able to do so!, good to be able to set a limit and not knock myself sideways for 6 weeks.

P.S. On language - OOTS is a place where I don't let myself get too het up about language. I know my punctuation is often way off and my general language usage a bit tainted by the other language I'm immersed in, not to mention over-use of 'good' and 'bad' and other such imprecise language but here's a place where I allow my language to flow freely instead of stressing myself about it.

I realised more about this friendship issue today. It's pretty big actually. My friend didn't act like FOO - she obviously has reviewed her position! That's just not something FOO does towards me. FOO says things like "Tough-o" or "no way!" when I ask for help; gaslights in some way when I set a boundary; and isn't capable of asking for an outside opinion of anybody who might see things differently from them. So there's no change, no forward movement on their part, no possibility for really hearing my side and acting on it before they lose me. My friend has acted differently to them! There still has been a shift in the friendship but I'm seeing that as growth on my part so nothing to be self-disparaging about. I haven't replied yet so there may be a further shift.

In addition, my friend managed to really tone her language and her assumptions down! In my last email I did consider writing something like "Please say what you mean, please don't exaggerate so we can avoid misunderstandings" but I decided to cut it. But now she has done that very thing without me having to ask :thumbup: There's none of this "How can I possibly do what you ask??", written in what I felt to be a bit of a hysterical way. She's agreed to do it, nice and calmly, respectfully. I guess the friendship means something to her too so she's decided not to cut it completely. And of course she is more emotionally intelligent than my FOO. I don't think I have any close friends who are as remotely emotionally deranged as FOO any more. 

That's really great you have a friend like that. It sounds like you're back in the at it, feeling better than you're were. I'm glad to see it. :)

 :) Inspired by your tale, Blueberry. Doubts, but great perseverance stemming from your deep needs to try and make this work. Hope this keeps going for you.  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on March 16, 2021, 09:35:39 PM
In fact she has agreed that she can say to my parents what I've requested, something along the lines of "You have to ask BB" :thumbup:

By the third reading I realised she just doesn't understand how telling me what my parents said to her is triangulating, not that I even used the word "triangulation", but she doesn't realise that in telling me what she does, she's not passing on facts she passing on emotions and her interpretation. "Your M is so worried, I could really hear it in her voice" is not a fact. However, this too, just like on the other forum, is not something I need to convince her of or am even capable of doing so. So my stipulation that I don't want to hear anything that my parents might say or do covers her inability to comprehend. It was actually my T who suggested I end the triangulation by setting that limit.

Her email, not being worst-case scenario, comes as a relief. I could feel the burden of who knows what slipping off my shoulders, my feet felt lighter

This issue with your friend and FOO has taken a great deal of your time and emotional and physical energy. I bet you feel relief. You have worked very hard to know how to deal with this situation in a healthy way. You've stated clear boundaries. Even if your friend can't understand why you feel like you do, I glad she is able to hear and hopefully, respect your boundaries. I'm really proud of you, Blueberry.

Thank you Jazzy, woodsgnome and notalone for validating and giving me words for what I was doing :)
I feel proud too notalone. That's real progress. I remember mbrs on here saying they felt proud for me because I couldn't feel pride for what I'd accomplished. Now I can :) so thanks for helping me realise that notalone.

Yup, so much time and emotional and physical energy went on this, and then recovering from the energy drain took further time, is still doing so in fact.  Today the friend who helps me clean came over and I talked about how in some ways my exhaustion simply confirms for me that I have a specific illness and it's good that I get this confirmation from time to time, otherwise I end up asking myself if I'm not being lazy :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: I even went back to bed this morning instead of getting on with various things. If she hadn't been coming, I might have spent all morning in bed.

I also explained to her about a particular exhaustion phenomenon I have. Normally when you have a few errands to run, you try and group them, so prepare them at home (e.g. write a small shopping list, put a letter in an envelope and address envelope) and then go out and do several at the same time (put letter in recipient's home letter box, get bank statement out of hole-in-the-wall, go to shop for couple of items). There are times like yesterday when I simply cannot do that. I opted for the letter yesterday and the bank statement a couple of hours ago, although the bank is on the way back from the letter recipient's home. Would've made sense to combine the trips yesterday but I couldn't. My cleaning friend actually understood this example and therefore my problem because she has this phenomenon herself, but to a much much lesser degree. It felt really good that she was able to validate and not say "I know what you mean but I get round it by doing xyz. Why don't you try that?" Instead she said if she had this problem to the degree I have it, she wouldn't be able to hold down a job any more either. I know what she says is genuine.

I had a bit of email back and forth with one of the coordinators of the literary translation summer course. There are 5 or 6 people ahead of me on the waiting list and only 10 spots altogether. I think it's pretty unlikely that enough applications will be turned down and/or successful applicants decide against it at the last minute, but the coordinator didn't say: "Forget it! No way!" She said that I just might be lucky. I see it that way too - not likely but conceivable that a couple of applicants are turned down and a number of others have some bad luck and get ill at the last minute :bigwink: (Nothing too drastic though!)  So the correspondence between us felt good. I'm not blaming myself either. I know I wasn't procrastinating when I didn't finish my application in time - there were simply too many cptsd hurdles in the way.

Quote from: Blueberry on March 19, 2021, 04:06:23 PM
I'm not blaming myself either. I know I wasn't procrastinating when I didn't finish my application in time - there were simply too many cptsd hurdles in the way.

:cheer:      :applause:     Another thing to be proud of, that you could see the cptsd hurdles and be kind to yourself about it and not "should" yourself.

Thank you notalone  :)

____________________

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: The corona regulations have changed again - some things have tightened up and some things have got better. As of today I'm allowed to tutor in my office instead of online. I feel so relieved and happy about this :) :) :)  Teaching in person really makes a difference, even when I'm teaching just one person, which is always the case for me. I'm kind of surprised how relieved and elated I feel.

But now it's just occured to me that I grew up learning to put up with a lot and just stuff my feelings away. So I suppose it's no surprise that up until now I have barely noticed how much burden this aspect of the corona regulations was being. I say 'burden' because that seems to me to be an opposite of 'feeling relieved'. I'm not sure what my non-elated feelings have been. I suppose I did notice in a way but only in an intellectual way, so I'd sometimes complain that all sorts of other businesses are allowed to be open e.g. music schools for little groups of 1-5 students so why not me tutoring 1 student?? So maybe I should have (oh, there's that 'should' again) tried to find my feelings instead? otoh complaining about coronavirus regulations is what more or less everybody else around about me is doing when it impacts on them so I don't need to expect 150% better actions on my own part. That too is something FOO expected.

Yesterday I went for a cycle since I was going to the farm to work for the first time in 4 weeks. The ride was quite strenuous, but I did notice after only about 4 kilometers that things were sorting themselves out in my head. I don't even remember what conclusion it was I came to while cycling - just I guess things were slipping and fitting into place. So good to remember that. Remember little cycles help. But also remember not to 'should thyself'. Thou shalt not should thyself. Blueberry's Commandment #1. (apologies to anybody who feels that's blasphemous).

Quote from: notalone on March 19, 2021, 05:53:10 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on March 19, 2021, 04:06:23 PM
I'm not blaming myself either. I know I wasn't procrastinating when I didn't finish my application in time - there were simply too many cptsd hurdles in the way.

:cheer:      :applause:     Another thing to be proud of, that you could see the cptsd hurdles and be kind to yourself about it and not "should" yourself.

I didn't have time to respond properly earlier today and before that I was still letting your post sink in, notalone. Now though let me say how much your post means to me! You pointed out another reason for me to be proud of myself, a reason I hadn't even really noticed.
______________

I got up pretty late today. One reason was that realisations were coming up while I was lying in bed this morning. One: M didn't and doesn't believe in forgiving. One of her favourite punishment methods was banishment - show the child that you don't want to see it. I know it's still a favourite method of hers because she said so when my nieces and nephews were little and one misbehaved and was immediately removed from the room by a parent "That's right" said M + something along the lines of parents making it quite clear to the child they didn't want to see it and that it (i.e. the child) isn't acceptable. Today it hit me :fallingbricks: in a family where you aren't forgiven (M doesn't believe in forgiveness and F isn't demonstrative generally about things M doesn't approve of), how are you to know you're acceptable again after having done something wrong? or even after having made a mistake? Now I can feel much more viscerally how M's banishment and lack of forgiveness led me to this virulent ICr. and this very deeply-rooted belief: "I'm not allowed to make mistakes."

How can you believe deep-down that it's OK to do things your family sees as a HUGE taboo: protecting yourself, standing up for yourself, dealing with a conflict with somebody? It occurs to me rn: just plain existing. M blamed me for being born. I know intellectually that I couldn't help that and have known that since childhood! But how was I to believe, really deep-down believe that I was acceptable in a FOO who demonstrated to me that I wasn't and in a FOO who didn't believe in forgiving (M. stated often that she didn't)? No wonder there's often a pretty strong voice in me in certain types of EFs (or e.g. during some of those weeks when I was struggling with the latest friend) that suggests dying would be a good plan. This isn't really SI, except in the way that Pete Walker refers to it. It's not an SI in the sense that there's any danger of me doing it or even in the sense that anybody needs to talk me out of it. I feel pretty awful when this suggestion comes up but I presume it really is an EF, a flashing back to the emotional state of not wanting to exist, as was the case in parts of my childhood and teen years. 

Now when I glance back at my previous post I'm not sure that it's quite clear to what extent banishment was the problem. Banished as a child for doing something wrong, feeling that you're being kicked out of the family group. Then not being forgiven. So not re-accepted into the family group in any kind of noticeable way. In fact, M would begrudge my re-entrance, after hours or sometimes days.

That's enough on that topic. So I can tell it's still really difficult. My forehead is going numb. I'd better go and do some regrounding before I go to bed. And/or send FOO to the moon on their rocket ship.

Wow, Blueberry... that's a huge realization.  :aaauuugh:

No wonder that your head is upset. It's really horrible that your M treated you and the others like that. Honestly, it's offensive. I'm angry with her.  :pissed: There's a lot of things I want to say, but probably shouldn't. I do hope you work your way through this though. What is important is how you are feeling.

I am so exhausted. Unfortunately I can't really take any kind of break except obviously to sleep tonight. However, fortunately, a colleague is going to relieve me of some work over the next couple of days so that I'll manage my deadline on Monday. It was originally going to be Wed. Now I have to send the work by post so needs to be done earlier.  :fallingbricks:

I'm grateful this local colleague can take on some extra work atm. That'll help me avoid going crazy internally, spinning around in my head which obviously does not help me finish a contract.

Hi Blueberry,
I am glad that your colleague has been able to relieve you of some work in the coming days.  Wishing you the best for achieving your deadline on Monday - it's tough that the deadline was brought forward like that. 

Sending you a hug, and hope you slept ok last night, as I hear that you're feeling exhausted at the moment.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope for your good wishes  :hug:  :grouphug:

I'm managing to keep going. It has even been fun and certainly productive discussing some aspects of the work with a colleague. We are colleagues only in the sense of us both being freelancers in the same field and know each other from our professional association. We ahve exchanged work before or picked each other's brains for terminology or turn of phrase. Anyway, it's almost like when I was employed without the bad bits or a bit like having a mentor briefly. Idk how my colleague sees it, haven't asked.  I may at the end of the whole thing. She is doing me a favour, although I'll obviously give her part of the pay.

I don't have the wherewithal to respond to previous responses, further back than Hope's, but I appreciated yours Jazzy and may come back to it.

Despite working with somebody else, I'm still able to manage only about 2 hours a day of translation. Still, that's better than 30-90 minutes which is what I used to manage. I've also noticed that my translation of new, untranslated terminology is improving, which means in this case that something is unblocking in my brain :cheer:

Since the day my colleague agreed to help me I've not been feeling so near to collapse and I'm able to do 'other things' e.g. tidy a bit, clean a bit, very basic self-care e.g. brush hair, brush teeth, cook simple meals. Usually when I'm translating that all goes out the window because I simply do not have the energy or wherewithal.

I had a really productive T appointment yesterday, though it left me a bit more tired than is now usual, as opposed to 2-3 years ago. But I think that was just another sign that it was productive.

Idk why this was such a revelation but it was: a feeling of resentment is not something to push away and pretend you don't have it or to be ashamed of! I wanted to write some more but have just noticed the time is flying by. I need to prepare for a student, but it was good just now to take a little here on OOTS. I feel calmer and also clearer in my head.

A revelation on how I go about setting my prices: I can't deliver quite what the client wants i.e. photos of the certified translation (it has to be stamped and signed, and stapled together so more than just computer print-out) so I offered to mail it for free AND I short-changed myself on the certifying fee while I was about it.

Of course this isn't about not knowing what to bill, it's about "Excuse me for living but the graveyard's full". It's about punishing myself for maybe not using the most modern way of working, although the new way is a bit iffy. It's not the way I learned to work and is not always accepted by the end recipients of the translations. But that's a little beside the point. The point is really: "This is the way I work and you can accept that or not." I kind of got lulled into a weak position of bargaining by the tales of client on her deceased M who used to work in this field too and her comments that the translation couldn't be too expensive because of some decision she made a number of months ago which isn't my lookout. I'm not saying it's her fault for lulling me into that, but I realise now it was probably a tactic and it worked. Trying as I write this to not feel angry at myself. I guess it would help to do a round of EFT on forgiving myself. I thought about doing that a few hours ago actually, but I went to bed instead. I am very tired and will be very glad when I get this thing done and into the post tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed that nothing bad happens like my printer gives up the ghost or anything.

Also, I noticed during the course of the day that one of my little pets is bleeding though I can't figure out from where - no open wounds on them, so I imagine it's some internal bleeding going on. Just the thought of that sent me to bed as well. I know that's not a very mature or responsible way of dealing with it, but I can't go to a vet's on a Sunday anyway.

ETA: some EFT done anyway on 2 related topics, with lots of yawning. I feel somewhat better.

Punishing myself - a counsellor pointed out to me about 20 years ago that my self-talk pattern was: "If you do this difficult/unpleasant but necessary task, I will then take something away from you." She pointed out it would be more usual to offer myself a reward of some sort instead, definitely not a punishment. Where's the incentive if you're going to punish yourself afterwards? Idk exactly where that comes from, probably some warped FOO thing. However that's what I think of when I think back to the price-setting I did. Punishment for not being 'good enough'? Man, this stuff is hard.

Quote from: Blueberry on March 28, 2021, 08:04:55 PM
Just the thought of that sent me to bed as well. I know that's not a very mature or responsible way of dealing with it, but I can't go to a vet's on a Sunday anyway.

The burden of life with cPTSD. You needed a break from the stress. Be kind to yourself.  :hug:

Thank you so much notalone for reminding me. I saw your post a little while ago and it really helped me. Not just about being gentle towards myself, but it also reminded me of what my T said last week.

My T told me last week that the anger I feel towards somebody else or towards myself is provided by Mother Nature so to speak to give me the energy to take proper action in defending myself, standing up for myself in an appropriate way. Not how FOO did it - but that's not my tendency anyway. But also not swallowing the anger and berating myself for being resentful / holding grudges etc. I don't often manage to stand up for myself in the moment and it's quite OK to try it later instead. So I've been working out a proper price for the remaining translations that weren't part of the cost estimate I sent because I hadn't been sent those remaining translations yet.

I know it's not good form to try and charge more after the estimate, but this was somebody whose deceased mother was also in my professional association in an other area of the country and this talk from her was what helped me reduce my prices :doh: :doh: Though really the client should know that this work is really hard with huge attention to detail with full-scale concentration and it seems to me that putting price pressure on me was not really very kind, putting it mildly. I mean she was going on about knowing all about the pressures of the profession with clients wanting work done the day before they inquire etc. "We need this done yesterday." Typical. She didn't though. But instead she did the "It can't be too expensive." combined with "I've picked you out specially" - not hard because there are not many people in the profession round here who are English native speakers and certified. Having me in the same geographical area would generally have involved her collecting the finished work but instead I'm posting it  :doh: :fallingbricks: But again, this is something to forgive myself for. All that stuff I learned from FOO about my lack of worth sits very, very deep and although I am making progress, it seems slow-going. Seems. It isn't actually, it's just the time I need in order to heal. The sad results of cptsd.

Anyway, I feel as if I've managed to do something constructive with my annoyance. Which is a form of moving forwards :) Beforehand I also played some children's songs and danced around and then moved my arms around to the impulses my body was giving me. That helped too.

I sent it all off yesterday :cheer: except the bill, which I still have to write and then email to client. As usual unfortunately I'm having trouble with the bill. Want to go back to bed, but that's not very constructive! So either go back into my apartment and do some more constructive things e.g. have breakfast, do a laundry to then be able to hang it up to dry while the sun shines :sunny: or ground myself well in my Adult and do my bill. The latter really sounds like the best thing. At least start it :)

 :cheer:  Great that you sent it off and met your deadline. 
Here's to more sunshine  :sunny:
Hope  :)

 :cheer:

Thank you both. I got the bill written and sent that day.

Having short-changed myself on the first part of the project, I decided to charge more for the second part. That is a bit risky of course, but I tried it and it seems to have worked because I got an email today saying both bills would be paid.  :)

A few days ago I finally sent M an email on her contact to my friend, especially mentioning that when she or other FOO mbrs don't respect my boundaries, I draw further back. She denied it of course. She'd phoned my friend for a completely different reason. I reiterated that she might well have contacted my friend for this completely different reason, but she also contacted her about - and then I mentioned what my friend had told me, which wasn't something my friend would have come up with on her own. Then M did remember and excused herself having forgotten with "old age".

I did take some sort of grim pleasure in finally being able to talk back, the way I couldn't as a child or even as an adult in her presence because I would get so upset, my mind would go blank, and I would just end up being bulldozed by FOO. 

Her reactions reminded me a bit of an old friend of mine who no longer is a friend because of a lot of things but in the end I felt bulldozed by her too and that she simply didn't listen to me. A lot of the end of that friendship is on Recovery Letters.

Whether or not M learns anything from this - very doubtful - for me it just feels good to finally have my say, not to have it stuck in my throat as usual.

She denied so much when I was a child/teenager e.g. the day after I was hit by B1 when I was in my mid teens and he was at university, she claimed she couldn't remember. The next day! She witnessed it all, including our dog attacking him. She forgot? I don't think so. But back then there was no point in me saying anything, I always lost the argument.

You're making progress! Great that you billed more for the second part, and that you'll be getting paid it  :cheer:
Also great progress on setting boundaries and being able to "talk back". You are claiming your power.  :waveline:

 :hug:

 :fireworks:           For sending the bill and for your clear and strong words to your M.

Thank you all, owl, Bach and notalone.  :)

I've just been watching the Easter Night service from my local church on livestream. If you watch it at home on your own TV or computer, you can join in the singing, which you can't if you're actually in the church. But I do notice I miss going to church a little bit.

I'm very tired. I had been planning to do x,y,z on my computer after the service but feel too tired. It's a holiday, that stuff is going to have to wait.

I imagine I'm feeling tired for some psychological reasons. I got up very late today too. I did do some things I had been intending, eg. I made space for some new seedlings in my garden and put them in. It's yarrow, which my pets and I all eat. But all the tidying and cleaning I'd been intending? Um no. However in the church service this evening I heard about new growth coming out of the old and thought that could apply to me and my life, even in such mundane ways as cleaning. Maybe the Easter message will help me get back on track.

I'm feeling really fed up atm. So, no, the Easter Message didn't get me back on track. I have a bunch of 'shoulds' in my head, none of which I'm doing. They're never good for me, I know that. Whatever, I just go back to bed.

I'm sick of the pandemic, temporarily. Who isn't? I'm sick of sticking to rules by and large while lots of people don't. Though I don't want to spark a dispute about it on the forum. I just felt like writing that somewhere.

I imagine that after writing the bill and the strong words to my M, followed by further words to her, I just need to rest. Unfortunately I also need to.... all those shoulds. Maybe tomorrow will work for some of them.

I hear you, blueberry.
We often underestimate how much energy psychological processes take, even when they are running in the background. I've been feeling pretty run down too, and the pandemic situation certainly doesn't help.

Take care :)

Thank you Alter-eg0. That's a good reminder about the energy absorbed by these processes running in the background. It has probably been caused by the correspondence between me and my M. There are 2 further not-so-easy letters I need to write - not to M - and I'm doing neither. I think the reason is I can only handle so much at one time.

Hope we both start to feel better  :)

I've come back to have a moan.

Recently I was remembering how in my early 30's I had no idea how I was even going to keep going the next few years. I know tears were dripping down my face while I was cycling from A to B in town wondering how on earth I was going to manage. That's almost 20 years ago now. I managed obviously. But I don't feel elated about it. Instead I'm back to sort-of-wondering.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I feel bad because I haven't done anything I could have to alleviate how I'm feeling. Zero. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not that my therapist ever implies any kind of guilt or fault. That all comes from me.

I'm meant to have written some homework for a student about 2 weeks ago. Needless to say I haven't and he's coming tomorrow. Haven't prepared for the other student either. I feel so useless and unreliable.

I wish I could lift some of the heavy load you are feeling now.  :grouphug:

Thank you notalone :)  You helped me have the courage to remove some of it myself.  :grouphug:

Quote from: Jazzy on March 22, 2021, 11:11:08 PM
Wow, Blueberry... that's a huge realization.  :aaauuugh:

No wonder that your head is upset. It's really horrible that your M treated you and the others like that. Honestly, it's offensive. I'm angry with her.  :pissed: There's a lot of things I want to say, but probably shouldn't. I do hope you work your way through this though. What is important is how you are feeling.

I think you're off the forum for a while getting on with RL, Jazzy. However your words here are really helpful to me. It's good to hear somebody other than me and my T condemning M's treatment of me and condemning her behaviour.
________________________________________________________

Last night I didn't sleep much and it finally occurred to me why. And also of course why I've been zoning out, playing Patience, reading, eating, eating, eating, Not drinking, and not doing what I should be doing... It's really hard for me to accept that I have a friend ("friend"?) who thinks it's somehow OK to remain friends with people who hurt me so badly and continue to disrespect me the way M and F do. How can a friend possibly sweep that all aside and think whatever she thinks? They're nice people or her H likes conversing with my F so what's the problem? Adults ought to be able to deal with this... Or whatever. I can't. My feeling is: this isn't going to go well. My friend and her H are playing right into my parents' hands, whether that's their intention or not.

In my FOO it's about winning. It's not about compromise. They will be exulting that my friends are not being loyal to me. I remember in my early 20's thinking I never expected anybody to be loyal to me. Nobody in FOO was, especially F. He pretended to be but then behind my back he wasn't. I don't know if that is exactly what is going on here, but it feels like it. My trust is gone. It feels inevitable to me that I will continue to pull back from my friend / "friend". Ongoing trauma with FOO. My friend needs to decide. Her last email implies I need to be OK with her and H remaining in contact with my Narents so long as they leave me out of the conversation and don't mention any of the contact to me. But I notice as time goes by that I'm not OK with it. These are my feelings and they're important. I'm not going to deny them, not for the sake of a friend so she can continue sending Xmas cards upon which last one she wrote her phone no. according to M. Idk whether M made that up or not. And whether or not she did, that shows unhealthy dynamics to me. M thinks it's OK to be chummy with a friend of mine against me, or as a means of getting through to me.

In my childhood M was chummy with B1 against me and in my adolescence F was chummy with B1 against me. I was supposed to be with OK with that, understanding even. I didn't have much choice back then. I wasn't actually OK with it. But now it feels more like I have a choice. I do have a choice. This is part of what it means to be an independent and independently-thinking adult. I can choose to say that I'm not OK with friend's behaviour. The case is still evolving in my feelings. It's evolving into "Sorry, no, I'm not OK with that." My T said it might possibly be different in 2-3 years but I don't think so and I don't want to leave a carrot dangling for my friend to hope for.

I was told quite a while back over on OOTF that clearly any contact with FOO was re-traumatising me and that now's the time to protect myself the way I couldn't as a child. Decide for me the way FOO mbrs and their allies don't. The way some of my own friends don't. Really??!? How could it be OK to remain in contact with FOO like mine and be friends with me??!? Especially since my friend was friends with me first. I'm still gearing myself up to say "Sorry, but No. I'm NOT okay with you having contact to my Narents behind my back. Even that you have to choose." Really, you want to visit people who treat me the way they do and did? You might go out to dinner with these people? Or you might eat a meal in their home? And have a nice, friendly chat with people like them? MIght even feel tempted to say soemthing about me after all or your H might. After all, on the advice of my T I said I don't want to hear any of it. So you might think it doesn't matter after all if you give them a little "harmless" information about me.

I know this is a decision only I can make. It goes back to decades of emotional, verbal, psychological and other types of abuse and somebody else thinks it's reasonable to expect me to get over it.  :no: :no: :no:

It's not reasonable (or loving or supportive or ....)  to expect you to just get over it BB, it hurts and I know how that feels.  My NM would charm friends, take them over in some cases,  and they would think I was all sorts of bad because she was just so nice how could I speak badly about her? Same for family.  :'(

Hurt, anger and a loss as to what to do about it all -  :yes: and  :hug:  I stepped away and that was incredibly difficult but it was the best thing I could do for myself.  Whatever you decide for you -  :thumbup:

Quote from: Kizzie on April 09, 2021, 04:08:35 PM
It's not reasonable (or loving or supportive or ....)  to expect you to just get over it BB, it hurts and I know how that feels.  My NM would charm friends, take them over in some cases,  and they would think I was all sorts of bad because she was just so nice how could I speak badly about her? Same for family.  :'(

Thanks for writing that Kizzie. Especially the part about it not being "reasonable or loving or supportive"
I think my friend / "friend"? thinks I'm somehow immature or at least I have reason to believe from comments of hers in the past that it's immature to not be "adult" about this kind of thing. If there were children involved it might be different, but there aren't. My friend didn't ask my parents to be Adopted Grandparents for her children. In fact, she doesn't even have children. Or if parents get divorced sometimes they have to be mature and put their feelings re: each other aside for the sake of their children's mental health. But that's not what is going on here. Thinking me "immature" or anything like that is thinking me "bad".

I will be stepping away or the way I feel it more: retreating, drawing back. I have to do that for me. I want to do it for me too. The last months have been hard enough. They've taken their toll. I can do without that. Though I do see it as one more step toward healing. It's obviously difficult - that's why it's taking me so long. Anyway, thanks for your support  :)  :hug:

I've been stuffing my face since yesterday and once again not drinking anything but instant cocoa. OK there is some water in there but it's still not the healthiest, thirst-quenching drink imaginable. At least I took my meds this morning. To be more precise at least the 2 most important of the meds.

FOO nightmares - this time with B2 and SIL2.

I need to teach this afternoon, one of the students I postponed from Thursday till today.

No friendship is worth feeling this bad over. Of course I "shouldn't" allow myself to droop this much over it. But I think it's more that I'm showing myself (more than anybody else) that the friendship is untenable in its present form.  :'( :'( I even have physical pain especially in my hands and arms. It's old pain. I know this pain.

Hi Blueberry,
It sound tough what you're experiencing at the moment, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

QuoteI will be stepping away or the way I feel it more: retreating, drawing back. I have to do that for me. I want to do it for me too. The last months have been hard enough. They've taken their toll. I can do without that. Though I do see it as one more step toward healing. It's obviously difficult - that's why it's taking me so long.

It is difficult BB so please know I'm thinking of you and sending you care and support.  You're trying your best to do right by yourself in the face of more loss, that's the gain in this but it's hard to feel that I know  :hug:

Thank you so much Kizzie for your care and support.  :hug:

Always I can come here and write and know I'm understood.  :grouphug: There's nobody IRL where I think I can talk to them now and it will help. I think most would be trying to get me to see how to save this friendship when it's too late.

I was awake hours ago, at 7am, but instead of getting up I seemed to have slipped into the fetal position and lay there for hours. I actually was intending to go to the farm early before the weather breaks and starts pouring with rain as it is due to this afternoon and evening.

Anyway I felt into what I was feeling in the fetal position and I had the image of tears pouring out of my whole body, like water coming out of a stone.

I feel no regret about the H of my friend, but I do feel regret about her. However it is time to get on with this because I'm stuck in a state of paralysis.

When not feeling stuck and paralysed in the fetal position, my words toward this friend are full of angry words that would get an asterix here so I won't write them. That's all in my head though.

Finally sent it. Feel numb.

I'd like to run away to a trauma inpatient stay and bury my head. That's not possible atm. Nor even helpful. I guess going into the garden before it rains/snows would be good.

So sorry this is such a difficult time BB, I really am.   :hug:    :hug:    :hug:  Hoping the  rain/snow will go away and the sun will shine so you can enjoy the garden  :sunny:

Thank you Kizzie :hug: :)

It's as if all the old trauma is coming up again. All that ICr stuff that comes from FOO, along the lines of I'm "too difficult"  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:

My emotional growth atm involves knowing what I want and where my boundaries are and acting on that. So not allowing myself to be swayed by somebody else's opinion. It's hard for me but at least I'll try and write it here: I acted for the best.
Oh well, I'm blank again in my head. That's not really what I wanted to say. It's more like the first two sentences actually. Some Ts and counsellors from way back were nudging me that direction, my current T as well. Some people are undoubtedly thinking my recovery involves treating disputes and disagreements with people differently - I've heard that over the years, but imho they are wrong.

I'm individuating more and more - that's my recovery. I'm also saying No. Or: this far and no further.   I also remember what my T said a good while ago now - the one action of mine that shows the effects of cptsd in my case the most is the length of time it takes for me to stand up for myself and my rights, my limits and combined with the length of time the amount of energy I expend on thinking about it from all angles, trying to understand and then often excuse the other person.

This time I say: No. No, it's not OK for this friend and her H to expect me to be OK with their further contact with my parents. No. No. No. Other people might be OK with it. Well, that's their decision. I'm not OK with it. That's my decision. Just like some people forgive their partner for having an affair with somebody else and some don't. It's a personal decision. Mine is: NO.

Good things today: I finally got up, though it was hard. I washed my hair and showered. That was very hard but I did it. I fed my pets. And I did some superficial cleaning of their living quarters. I have to prepare to teach now.

Blueberry, I hear the incredible weight of all of this on you. Sending care and hugs.  :hug:    :grouphug:

Thank you so much, notalone  :hug: :grouphug:
___________________

I'm still trying to find words for this. Or, the words slip in and then they slip out of my brain again.

With saying "No." to this friend and her H, I am saying that I'm not allowing anybody else to decide for me. And I'm refusing to remain some one else's victim. In the past when friends had ideas on how I personally was to develop, the friendship eventually came to a head, there came a crunch where we had to talk things out. Oh, I was undoubtedly "not perfect" either but when somebody from a somewhat intact family comes and tells me to put up with things or insinuates they'd be better able to deal with my FOO or even my ll or neighbour, at some point I see red. RED.

Good things today: I got up and made tea and then a further mug. So I had 2 large mugs of herbal tea this morning. Much better at thirst-quenching and for general health than instant cocoa.
I took my 2 most important meds this morning plus my Vit C/Zinc combo (which is supposed to help immune system, and therefore make you less prone to getting Covid).
I put dry dishes away which makes washing the rest later easier. I remembered a saying from 12 Step literature for I.S.A.: "I do one thing at a time. I put one dish away at a time...." So when I'm floundering about as I am atm, then I just remember to do one thing at a time. No plans to tidy the whole kitchen. No, just put a bowl away, then put a plate away and then see what kind of beneficial activity I have an impetus to do.

FOO would say I'm being a busy-body and maybe some other people would too, but I often check the local classifieds for people giving away their Little Furries or selling them way too cheap. Generally, one should charge an adoption fee as a protection to the animal. Sometimes I then email these people and suggest they put the price up OR give the animal directly to a rehoming society. Sometimes the people are grateful and choose one of those suggestions. I did that this morning. It's a form of advocacy for little beings who can't speak for themselves. So I think that's a Good Thing that I felt capable of doing this morning though there are many things I don't feel capable of doing.

Awesome, Blueberry!

I'll bet your little ones like how adult you protects little furries, means they are safe with you and cared about   :yes:

 :)

Floundering. Then making life needlessly difficult for myself e.g. by eating so much I feel physically and intellectually incapable of basic tasks.

But I am reminding myself to take things one tiny thing at a time. Just a quarter of an hour ago, I had the wherewithal to amalgamate one type of garbage and put it out for collection tomorrow. I also wrote an email - a non-contentious one - and sent it.

I feel close to collapse, as if I'm overstretching and not doing the tasks beneath the stretch which will hold me up. E.g. I'm happy to have 2 recent adult teaching inquiries so 1 new student so far this week and 1 next week but I haven't billed either yet or written up contracts. I have a school student who came 4 times and has decided to renew for another 4; haven't billed that yet either. I also need to re-read some literature for his lessons. Not to mention there's a bunch of other smallish tasks waiting to be done, some of them Corona-related (lists etc.). But at least I did get the garbage out and got one email out of the way. Maybe I'll manage another one now.

At least my ICr has quietened down, but otoh that's maybe just because I ate so much even ICr feels buried? I did do a few small exercises my T has been practising with me like massaging and stroking my head, shaking my hands and arms or any other kind of spontaneous movement I have an impulse to do. Some of it still in images in my head. This helps me to not remain in freeze and at the same time to get rid of some of my emotions without even feeling into them too much. I know I feel anger atm (old and present-day anger at FOO, as well as present-day anger at that one friend).

 :hug: :hug: :hug: You're doing the very best you can to deal with your symptoms BB and carry on with life. Overeating may be what you need in this moment as you feel your way through the anger at FOO and friend.  Maybe think of it as a way of bringing things down to a more manageable level  because it does feel overwhelming right now? 

Thank you Kizzie :hug:, you're probably right about my eating atm - about bringing things back to an acceptable level. It's like stabilising things, even if of course eating isn't the best way, but sometimes it seems it's the only way for a while. I am getting better at simply accepting my behaviour when things are this bad. Last night I made myself a sweet caffeine drink and a herbal tea, so one unhealthy and one healthy. I drank both, but it's definitely good I drank the herbal as well as the other.

Today, inexplicably, things have improved a little. I got up before noon, did some garden work at two different junctures, washed dishes, taught a student, wrote and sent some emails and wrote a bill though didn't manage to send it because everytime I try and send an email with an attachment my email program crashes :pissed:  That feels like an additional burden. It is actually because I need to figure out what's wrong.

I also discovered while writing the bill that I've been numbering my bills wrong so far this year. The invoice number has to include the year and I've been using 20 instead of 21. Sigh.  :disappear:  It takes me ages to write bills anyway and then I go and make a mistake of this magnitude. Well, at least I was capable of noticing which I obviously have not been so far this year.

Doing some gardening was beneficial mostly because I was sorting things: I was digging but also sorting into piles of compost, stones etc, garbage (you wouldn't believe what you find 6 inches down in the soil in our yard...), weeds of course, but also roots I want to leave in the soil, and sprouting Jerusalem artichokes I'm sending to a friend. Also it's good to be in the fresh and a little sunshine, though it's cold again atm and windy too.

Fresh air, sunshine and digging in the soil, Mother Nature's balm for the soul   :thumbup:   :sunny:

Blueberry, I don't really have anything to say. Just want you to know that I care.

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you had some sunshine whilst you were in the garden digging those Jerusalem artichokes.  Your friend is lucky to have such a gift. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

Kizzie, notalone and Hope: Thank you all for sending care, support and reminders of my garden and the  :sunny:

________________________
I was reading back in here a bit. So, it was only a week ago that I felt numb after sending email to that friend. I'm still exhausted, though it's showing physically especially in a way I know well. I used to say it felt as if I'd been run over by a steamroller, though that's obviously an exaggeration because I wouldn't exist anymore after that. I also feel very tired in my brain. I'm really slow at doing more or less everything atm, as if my brain is functioning very slowly. I can't function any faster. I can't even think fast, in fact I'm thinking positively slowly atm.

I really needed to do a particular job at the farm so I did cycle up there today since I didn't make it last Sunday, and I really noticed my sluggish thinking there combined with a feeling of low-level uncertainty most of the time. That used to be a more or less constant companion. I thought I was healed from that, but obviously I'm not. It's certainly useful to know that these previous mental states can come back. Or recovery isn't necessarily recovery for ever. It's only recovery until something so bad happens that you get retraumatised or something similar.

I know I will pull through. But it is really hard-going atm.

QuoteI really needed to do a particular job at the farm so I did cycle up there today since I didn't make it last Sunday, and I really noticed my sluggish thinking there combined with a feeling of low-level uncertainty most of the time. That used to be a more or less constant companion. I thought I was healed from that, but obviously I'm not. It's certainly useful to know that these previous mental states can come back. Or recovery isn't necessarily recovery for ever. It's only recovery until something so bad happens that you get retraumatised or something similar.

Just noodling here but I wonder if it would be useful/helpful/realistic to think of our CPTSD as something like having diabetes that doesn't go away but is better when it's managed? Or perhaps as an injury that heals but aches on occasion and is more prone to re-injury?  :Idunno: 

Sorry you're in a bit of a fog at the moment BB, it says to me (FWIW) that the whole matter with your friend is just deeply distressing and hurtful.  :grouphug:

Quote from: Kizzie on April 18, 2021, 09:19:21 PM
Just noodling here but I wonder if it would be useful/helpful/realistic to think of our CPTSD as something like having diabetes that doesn't go away but is better when it's managed? Or perhaps as an injury that heals but aches on occasion and is more prone to re-injury?  :Idunno: 

Totally, Kizzie! imo both of those scenarios correlate with cptsd. I wrote what I did yesterday I guess because I was rather astonished that these old, old symptoms returned. Ones I really thought were over, unlike depression, eating, SH, not getting out of bed etc etc

Quote from: Kizzie on April 18, 2021, 09:19:21 PM
Sorry you're in a bit of a fog at the moment BB, it says to me (FWIW) that the whole matter with your friend is just deeply distressing and hurtful.  :grouphug:

You're on the money here too, Kizzie! Deeply distressing and hurtful is a good way of putting it.
Later last night a sentence occurred to me to address to this friend but just in my head for the moment: I would really appreciate it if you could just consider that I might actually be correct in the way I'm acting towards FOO!

Otherwise I think people with no or very little idea of cpstd are just a little bit arrogant if they think they know more than we cptsd-ers know about living with cptsd. Having done idk maybe 20 sessions of therapy and being interested in psychology doesn't make this friend an expert and it particularly does not mean she knows more than I do about what's good for me just because she is officially healthy and able to work and do all those normal things whereas I am chronically unwell.

Anyway, thank you for all your support here, Kizzie :yes: :hug:  I'm likely to keep writing about the topic as more becomes clear.

RBAY  :hug:

What does RBAY stand for? I'm afraid I don't know.

Right Back At You  ;D

Quote from: Blueberry on April 19, 2021, 07:05:04 AM
Otherwise I think people with no or very little idea of cpstd are just a little bit arrogant if they think they know more than we cptsd-ers know about living with cptsd. Having done idk maybe 20 sessions of therapy and being interested in psychology doesn't make this friend an expert and it particularly does not mean she knows more than I do about what's good for me just because she is officially healthy and able to work and do all those normal things whereas I am chronically unwell.

Absolutely!

I love love growing Jerusalem artichokes. They are so pretty and spread so easily. Bills. Sigh. That kind of stuff really puts me into a tailspin, too.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 19, 2021, 07:05:04 AM

Quote from: Kizzie on April 18, 2021, 09:19:21 PM
Just noodling here but I wonder if it would be useful/helpful/realistic to think of our CPTSD as something like having diabetes that doesn't go away but is better when it's managed? Or perhaps as an injury that heals but aches on occasion and is more prone to re-injury?  :Idunno: 

Totally, Kizzie! imo both of those scenarios correlate with cptsd. I wrote what I did yesterday I guess because I was rather astonished that these old, old symptoms returned. Ones I really thought were over, unlike depression, eating, SH, not getting out of bed etc etc

Quote from: Kizzie on April 18, 2021, 09:19:21 PM
Sorry you're in a bit of a fog at the moment BB, it says to me (FWIW) that the whole matter with your friend is just deeply distressing and hurtful.  :grouphug:

You're on the money here too, Kizzie! Deeply distressing and hurtful is a good way of putting it.
Later last night a sentence occurred to me to address to this friend but just in my head for the moment: I would really appreciate it if you could just consider that I might actually be correct in the way I'm acting towards FOO!

Otherwise I think people with no or very little idea of cpstd are just a little bit arrogant if they think they know more than we cptsd-ers know about living with cptsd. Having done idk maybe 20 sessions of therapy and being interested in psychology doesn't make this friend an expert and it particularly does not mean she knows more than I do about what's good for me just because she is officially healthy and able to work and do all those normal things whereas I am chronically unwell.

Anyway, thank you for all your support here, Kizzie :yes: :hug:  I'm likely to keep writing about the topic as more becomes clear.

Yeah, I think that it's actually both. The way the neuroplasticity works, you don't "unlearn" things, you just learn new (better) options. And the option that you use most, gets stronger pathways, while the ones used less sort of fade away. But they don't go away completely; they are always an option. You just have better options now, and your brain always chooses the most effective option you have in your arsenal, for the need that you have in the moment. Doesn't necessarily mean that it's the most healthy option by the way, it's just the one that best meets your needs in that moment. Knowing this, it's completely natural that you can go for years without resorting to "old" behaviors, and then stumble upon a situation that triggers, surprises or overwhelms your nervoussystem in such a way that you just draw a blank on "healthy options" and resort to an old but surprisingly powerful one.

I don't think that's a bad thing, though. It's always good to have multiple options. For example, i've been recovered from SH and ED stuff for many years. That doesn't mean I never get urges or "slip up". But i've learned to read those slip ups as signals that my system is communicating a message, a need, whatever, that I need to find a better way to meet. It helps me to be a lot more compassionate towards myself, and i've noticed that since I don't have to "fight" those old options anymore, it's a lot easier to hear the message, make other choices, and learn new ways.

As for people being arrogant in knowing about CPTSD and such...I agree. And I can find it immensely irritation when people try to "reason" with me when i'm triggered. Of course I "KNOW" what I should be doing or feeling, rationally. But that doesn't change how my nervoussystem responds. I'm not an idiot, geez. "Gee, thanks, I never thought of that".  :Idunno:

 :yeahthat:    :thumbup:

Thank you so much Alter-Eg0 for your explanation of neuroplasticity. I didn't know all that so it's really helpful to read about it. I especially didn't know about our brains using the most effective option in any one situation. Wow. That's really interesting to me because there are sometimes emotionally and physically 'healthier' options which would absolutely floor me if I did them. I would be exhausted for days afterward if I went through with them, presumably because something about them will be very triggering and leave me adding even more 'topics' to work through. So in that moment it actually is more effective to lean on an unhealthy crutch so I can finish the task at hand, get home in one piece and that kind of thing.

___________________
Two big changes on my computer since yesterday: MS Outlook instead of my old email program and an updated version of Word (2019 instead of idk 2000). I feel overwhelmed, as if I'm in fog. I keep losing things e.g. now I'm on the Internet obviously but where are my Word documents? and how do I go quickly to whatever-you-call-it - view of my file system? Not asking for any help! I'm sure I'll discover some things by accident, learn them and just get used to the whole thing, but today - oh my goodness, it's difficult and I have so much work to do!! :fallingbricks:

It also feels as if MS has taken over my whole computer (I do not want a discussion of different software types or multinational companies, please). Things that were still available this morning e.g. Firefox no longer seem to be - apparently the only option there is to deinstall. Well, great - I have my T appointment tomorrow and it doesn't work on MS Edge, my therapist's medical video software needs Firefox. One reason I doN't like even automatic computer updates is that Idk what's going to happen exactly e.g. what all might be changed or be removed, become inaccessible. So in the end I feel like a victim again because a free decision I had (what Web browser to use) suddenly disappears and it feels as if a machine or a system takes over from me. I don't say: "but I want to keep Firefox!" because Idk that I'm going to lose it.

Your computer struggles sound so absolutely frustrating and I just relate so much to how overwhelming it can be. Those little things can just be too much sometimes.  :fallingbricks:

Thank you for your validation Armadillo :)
Things have improved over the past couple of days. I'm better able to navigate my computer, so I found Firefox again. I also no longer feel as if I'm in a total fog.

For one reason or another I think I've lost all my old emails from earlier than 2012. They were emails with attached photos e.g. of my nieces and nephews and children of friends when very small or pets from back then and/or things I'd written about my pets. However, I feel fairly stoical about it. As in: life is now, I can let all that stuff go. That's very new for me.

I've been sharing some work with a freelance colleague this week. It's doing me a lot of good actually. She's doing the parts she's better at than me (like formatting and coming up with price estimates quickly, as well as the actual translation) whereas I will be doing proof-reading and other finickity stuff and we're splitting the pay fifty-fifty. Never will I have earned so much for so little work, meaning that the work my colleague has taken on is the sort of stuff that takes me waaaaaay longer than it 'should'. Atm I'm feeling more optimistic about my freelance work and earning power.

Also 3 new students within the past 2 weeks, two of whom are adults. For one of them I have had hardly any preparation work so far. It feels really good to have an easy student who is pleased with what I deliver, even though it's somewhat new to me. It's an aspect of language-learning I had to do a course in about 25 years ago before I'd ever thought of teaching language. I'm wracking my brains a bit, but it seems to be working. It's good to have a student like this for a change!

Today I decided that I'm not taking on any additional work projects or students before May 17th because I'm at my absolute limit. In fact, all 3 new-ish students are waiting for their lesson contracts and invoices, which probably doesn't look too professional, but :Idunno: At least I haven't pushed myself to the point of collapse.

I'm doing even better today too. I notice that I can't write much here though. But I did want to note that I'm doing better. I haven't heard back from that friend but I'm also no longer sprawling on account of it.

Doing better on the computer now and I have at least started tackling invoices, contracts etc.

Having the motivation to tackle those types of tasks is such a great sign!!!!

Glad to hear you're doing better, and getting used to your computer setup. Take care, Blueberry! :)

Thank you Jazzy!

_____________________

I'm super-unmotivated today. I think there's something happening in my subconscious but I have no idea what. I eat though I'm not hungry. I'm thirsty and I don't drink. Really wonky.
I was awake at 7am and considered going down into the garden to do some work because I thought that would wake me up and help me 'get sorted' again, but instead I stayed in bed till 11am.  I'm not actually haranguing myself over it. Just noting.

There are still some invoices/contracts to tackle, but at least I got started the other day.

I have a new school student. Both she and her mother are a right pain. They both need me to show strong boundaries. I suppose that's one thing that might be dragging me down at the moment. I do have exercises from T to help me, but haven't done them yet. They are exercises I use to protect myself from FOO, but they can be used for anybody who is taking up too much head space uninvited.

My other two new students, who are both adults, are both motivated to learn and really 'easy'.

I'm still unmotivated, though I did write another invoice and paid 3 of my own, business ones that is.

Last Saturday I had the second part of some professional training. Of course it was via computer, so I only had to get up and go into my office in the same building I live in. But I didn't get out of bed till after about an hour had gone by. And then I had trouble getting admitted to it because apparently something was changed about my computer set-up when 2 new things were installed. I did manage to get admitted eventually but it did take a while.

These past few months or maybe even whole school year I have been doing much, much better about being there for students and not getting sick or not being too tired to go into my office and teach or - yikes - forgetting to go and teach, but it seems 2 half days of training was too much or at best a real challenge. On the first half day when we were doing exercises on the communal whiteboard, I noticed how I was much slower than others. That's understandable, with cptsd or with my symptoms thereof anyway.

Maybe it's good I didn't manage to apply early enough for a spot on the literary translation seminars? I think one was going to be 5 full days in a row and the other one where I am on a waiting list - but very unlikely there will be enough cancellations - 3 full days in a row. So it could be good for me to try one or the other or both next year. Because I am steadily making progress in recovery, I am likely to be doing a bit better with everything a year and a bit from now, so more able to concentrate for 3 or 5 days in a row than I am now.

The other thing is: two things that are so difficult for me - charging an appropriate amount for myself and the work as well as negotiating in general would be just as complicated in this fairly new field of translation as they are in literary translation, and it also seems as if learning the new field of translation would involve a lot more work than I imagined. That's what almost everybody else in the training gave as feedback, so I'm not alone with that. I'm yawning away as I write this which means 'work in progress', but I think I'm forgiving myself for thinking it's a new field I might be good at and could learn fast. I'm certainly not actively haranguing myself about it or about spending money on the training. I might still be good at it, but I am having second thoughts about doing a follow-up course. But it is really good that I tried. Actually while I was working with the IT support person on getting admitted to the second day and excused myself for being so late anyway, I mentioned that I have a chronic illness and it seemed everything was too much so... She replied that she was impressed I was keeping on going with my professional work anyway and even doing training instead of giving up. That was really good to hear and I think she genuinely meant it, she wasn't just saying it.

I don't know if I wrote this further back, but I've been doing a few translation contracts together with another freelance colleague from my town. She has been doing price negotiation and some other things I find really difficult. I need to finish my part of one of them by tomorrow and I haven't started yet. It's evening here... No motivation. And although for the amount of work involved we'll both be getting good money, that doesn't motivate me to get on with it. So I know there's some sort of other hurdle in the way. An emotional hurdle or maybe some sort of low-level EF running in the background. Well, I do have therapy exercises to do. At least I have drunk some water and tea today, so I did pay attention to my thirst eventually. I also went into the garden to look at some of my flowers and pick some edibles for my little pets.
 

Cheers, Blueberry! You're making progress at a steady rate! I'm proud of you. :D

Thank you Eidolon  :) :hug:
________________________________

I intended to get up and get going on my work 5 hours ago. I had a dream that I was with my parents. It wasn't even a really bad dream. Simply being with them without anything specific happening was bad enough. It might even just have been F. Anyway, I have taken up until now to really get going. Not all I did beforehand was non-beneficial. I fed my pets, took my two most important meds, had some tea, went into garden to pick stuff for my pets, picked a couple of little flowers too and put them in a vase. Then I noted that I was putting off doing any therapy exercises. I even swept the floor instead! So after that I sat down and did a bit of therapy exercises. I didn't really want to and I don't now either. I did yawn though so that's a sign of some progress just for today.

Just before I wanted to start work, my doctor phoned to say he can fit me in next week for a Corona jab. So it would be really beneficial for me to do as much work as possible by Monday - office and apt and garden and pets - in case the jab has a bad effect on me. It would be. But atm I just feel kind of numb again. However, best to get on with the professional work I was meant to send by this morning. However, tomorrow will be OK too.

One of my pets is a bit apathetic atm which is always a worry. It's not a good sign for guineas.

Aw I hope your Guineas are ok! It sounds to me like a great start to the day, on your own timeline.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 29, 2021, 10:37:28 AM
Then I noted that I was putting off doing any therapy exercises. I even swept the floor instead!

;D This made me smile. No need to answer here if you don't want, but do you know why you put off doing therapy exercises?
Hope your guinea is okay.

Quote from: notalone on April 29, 2021, 01:18:57 PM
No need to answer here if you don't want, but do you know why you put off doing therapy exercises?
Hope your guinea is okay.

I think 2 of my guineas need to go to the vet's. Will have to wait till next week, hope I can get an appointment on Monday.

Why I put off therapy exercises?  :'( They're too much. They feel so hard. I get so exhausted. I might feel something and I don't want to feel! That was a response direct from inside.

I did actually do a bit of exercise in the night while I was lying awake.
Therapy exercises often make me feel worse rather than better. Logically, that's OK because it's just all part of the recovery process BUT on some other level that doesn't exactly inspire me because I want to get on with things rather than collapse and go to bed for the day. Though the latter is the only thing I feel up to. But still going to push myself through my one-on-one teaching this afternoon. I intended to get up at 6am and complete my translation, but went back to bed and slept/rested/did some T exercises till 9:30 and then had to get on with other things e.g. a friend dropped by to help me with some cleaning and with claw-clipping the guineas. Considering the way I am feeling, it's quite good I'm still up.

I have done a little bit of therapy exercises to reduce the total brain fog. My head feels all woolly inside and completing the work I'm meant to have finished and sent off this morning (about 10 hours ago) is going really, really slowly. It's just a matter of checking correct and consistent terminology, printing documents out and making sure the correct ones are stapled to each other, then stamping them. Max 2 hours work. Well, that's a bit of a 'should' statement because I started this the day before yesterday, maybe I managed to do some yesterday too, and this evening it's now 3 hours and I'm not finished. It does have to be accurate, so I can't say "Who cares??" and staple 2016 to 2018 (it is a trifle more complicated than just years, but not much.

So I just need to accept that this is the way it is this evening. Tomorrow is a public holiday, so theoretically I could just as well continue then as well, but I don't have the feeling that it's going to be any better, any easier for me tomorrow. I taught 2 students today and I don't think it was really noticeable that I was struggling. I noticed it was a bit more difficult than usual in the one lesson but pretty much OK with the other student. I don't know what it is with this other type of work I'm doing. While I was writing the previous sentence, my brain came over even foggier than before. Hm. So maybe I just need to accept this is the way it is and not question why? Big yawn. (Not a 'tired' yawn.) My brain going over even foggier says to me: "Don't poke about in there."

I had intended to listen to and move to some music because that can help my brain de-fog a bit, but I haven't done that because I'm feeling self-conscious. Though there's nobody to see. B1 drops by in my head. OK, so I need to send FOO to a forest thousands of miles away or to the moon, then move around to music, then go back to my work.

I tend to think, "Come on, just finish your work and then do whatever else, but get your work done first!!" A sensible enough idea except when it doesn't function as is the case right now. But at least I figured out what some of the problem is and then how to go about fixing it. Thanks OOTS :)

I hope you don't mind me saying so but your posts actually make me smile a bit because I so relate to your struggles most word for word. Especially this last one with 3 hrs worth of work taking 10 hrs and how much it logically makes sense to focus and get it done then get that time back but it just doesn't work like that.

Hi Blueberry,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much, to the point of crying. I know you're dealing with a lot, and it's very difficult. I'm amazed at how much you continuously get done. I know you're very work oriented, so I want to congratulate you on your accomplishments, but I also don't know how much of that work orientation comes from a healthy place and how much comes from the influence of your FOO. Of course, I don't need to know; my point is that I'm not confident in how to be a positive support on this topic, so I'm sorry for not doing better.

The therapy exercises are really hard! It's totally understandable that you feel exhausted after doing them, and being afraid to feel something you don't want to. Yes, you're right that they are part of the recovery process, and have positive results in the end, but it's important to realize their more immediate impact too. You've done well writing here what you think and feel about them, and the reactions you have to doing those exercises. I think it's important not to overwhelm or overburden yourself. Not just with work, but with therapy too. Maybe you can do those exercises when you have time available to deal with the repercussions. The upcoming holiday sounds like a great time to do some therapy, then collapse and go to bed for the day, though I understand if you would rather spend your time enjoying the day off of work.

Just an idea, maybe you can prioritize dealing with the brain fog and surrounding issues a bit more, and work a bit less? I realize it may not be that simple, but you're right that when you can't function well, it makes the work take longer. When the work is prioritized, then there is even less time for healing. Even if you want to look at it in terms of workplace efficiency (which probably isn't the most important thing), a healthy worker (physically and mentally) performs much better than an unhealthy worker, so it's often worthwhile to invest (time and effort) in to feeling better.

Sorry this is coming across a lot more "you should do this", than I want it to. I'm just trying to share some ideas which I hope are helpful, but of course it's up to you to do what's best for yourself. I'm also rambling on in your journal, so sorry for that too (all these rules are hard to follow)! I guess my main point is that it was very helpful for me to learn when the best time was to do different things. My work has its allotted time, and I did my best, which was not always as good as others, or as good as I wanted it to be, because of what I was struggling with. Its important for me to keep work within that time allotment though, so I can do other things too. Therapy has its time allotment, which includes the time it takes to deal with the reactions to it. Self care has its time as well, and when there's a bit left over, I get some fun!

I suspect maybe you know all this already, and sorry if I'm just repeating what you know. I also realize it's somewhere between extremely difficult and totally impossible to keep up proper time management when the brain is all foggy and stressed out. That's okay, just do your best, and I hope you (and your guinea pigs) feel better soon!

Quote from: Armadillo on May 01, 2021, 12:07:29 AM
I hope you don't mind me saying so but your posts actually make me smile a bit because I so relate to your struggles most word for word. Especially this last one with 3 hrs worth of work taking 10 hrs and how much it logically makes sense to focus and get it done then get that time back but it just doesn't work like that.

No, I don't mind you smiling Armadillo since you can relate to those struggles too. If you couldn't relate and were smiling, that would not feel too good. But that's not the case. In fact, it's always good for me to know that others on here or elsewhere can relate to my struggles.

After writing that on Friday, I did actually focus and get it done except that I didn't contact the client and tell her she could come and collect it or I'd post it Monday. Fortunately. Because today I noticed a mistake. So I need to change some text and re-print, re-stamp, re-staple. The mere thought of doing it makes me feel like going back to bed again or just giving up. Maybe I won't do it till Monday morning. Today is a day of rest in a country where that's still respected somewhat, though in these Corona times that seems to be falling apart a bit. I also said I'd go up to the farm and do some work. With my Corona vaccination on Tuesday, it's even more important I go in case I don't feel capable next weekend. 

Quote from: Jazzy on May 01, 2021, 01:42:38 AM
The therapy exercises are really hard! It's totally understandable that you feel exhausted after doing them, and being afraid to feel something you don't want to. Yes, you're right that they are part of the recovery process, and have positive results in the end, but it's important to realize their more immediate impact too. You've done well writing here what you think and feel about them, and the reactions you have to doing those exercises. I think it's important not to overwhelm or overburden yourself. Not just with work, but with therapy too. Maybe you can do those exercises when you have time available to deal with the repercussions. The upcoming holiday sounds like a great time to do some therapy, then collapse and go to bed for the day, though I understand if you would rather spend your time enjoying the day off of work.

Just an idea, maybe you can prioritize dealing with the brain fog and surrounding issues a bit more, and work a bit less? I realize it may not be that simple, but you're right that when you can't function well, it makes the work take longer. When the work is prioritized, then there is even less time for healing.

Thanks for everything you wrote, Jazzy, including the bits I haven't quoted. There is a lot of food for thought in there! There are things you are right about too, no question, like prioritising dealing with brain fog more and doing less (professional) work or even farm work. It's more a question of finding a happy medium before either the professional work becomes too much or before I'm hit by some unexpected boomerang that sends me sprawling.

I spent Saturday (the holiday) in bed reading and dozing. I didn't do any therapy exercises that I recall. Just got up from time to time to see to the guineas and to make myself hot drinks or grab an apple.

I did a little T exercise today and that helped me get out of bed. I did really want to get up. I went outside for a bit to pick greens for my guineas and just to poke about my garden after the rain, see what's flourishing and yank out some things that are flourishing too much.

"Enjoying the day off"?? I don't really do "enjoy" or I certainly don't plan it. I do spontaneously feel enjoyment or sometimes just maybe pleasure, but if I really think about enjoying the day off atm that would be staying in bed for the day reading and dozing! At other times when I feel safer it might be spending the day in the garden sitting in the sun, watching my guineas, sometimes getting up to slowly do a little work that needs doing.

I really don't mind you writing so much in my Journal. When I comment in other people's it usually gets long too. I think the rule is maybe more about not talking all about yourself in someone else's Journal, whereas here you are definitely focussed on what I said and just referring to yourself and your experience to back what you're writing.

Even if you are repeating things I may know, sometimes it can be really helpful to hear them in a slightly different way in someone else's words to make me think again a little. Or a reminder is always good anyway.

My FOO are not particularly work-oriented actually. But they did always go on about how much of a burden I was and how I was not pulling my own weight. That was often as a way to shut me out I think e.g. in sporting activities. No you can't go out in the boat with us because you don't pull your own weight (with the paddle). When I pointed out that my younger brother pulled even less weight with the paddle, he was excused because he was smaller so caused no real additional weight in the boat. This sort of stuff went on when I was 7-8-9 yo and I wasn't overweight, though they told me I was of course. So that was another thing: taking up space in the world.
So when I'm working too much or prioritising that it's my trying to make up for existing. Sometimes it's also because I'm frightened e.g. of what would become of me if I stopped trying. I think I might go to bed permanently and never do anything again. A few years ago when I decided to give up translations at least but also I think teaching, it became clear to me that that wasn't the correct decision for me either, so I'm back at both.

One of the guineas seems better again, fortunately. The other has a chronic problem and I have an appointment for her on Monday.

ETA: P.S. I have had a lot of FOO moving in and out of my dreams day and night. So they're in my subconscious and that will explain a lot of why things are pretty difficult atm

hey, blueberry,

sorry to have been away so long. i'm not up to snuff on what you've been going thru, altho i did skim some of your posts.  i totally get the idea that you don't want to feel!  seeing as how you said that came from inside, i'm wondering if it's an inner child calling out, one who hadn't gotten the support and care she needed when she felt some kind of awful in the past.  no one to care for or about her feelings. 

perhaps those therapy exercises are encouraging you to do more than what is comfy for you - wanting you to deal with pieces which are too large to manage.  there have been several times when i was about to process something and i stopped what we were doing cuz it felt too big, too overwhelming.  i then thought of a smaller piece that i might be able to handle, and that worked better.  just a thought.

keep taking care of you, ok?  i still think you're doing really well, moving forward, being more accepting of yourself and your energy levels, and (this especially struck me) doing things the way they work for you.  like sending foo to the moon so you can dance so you can finally get to the work that needs to get done.  by the by, if you'd like any help, i have a convenient rocket ship with just enough room for your foo to fit into.  it's all fueled up and ready to go.  herd them in and light the fuse - there they go!!!  love and hugs :hug:

I suspect you're going to need a GIANT spaceship San  :))

it is as big as needed . . . and expandable!   always room for one more!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 02, 2021, 04:01:54 PM
by the by, if you'd like any help, i have a convenient rocket ship with just enough room for your foo to fit into.  it's all fueled up and ready to go.  herd them in and light the fuse - there they go!!!  love and hugs :hug:

:)) :)) :rofl:

No need to apologise for being away, san! You needed the time and space for you. Good self-care :thumbup:

Thanks for your comments on me and my situation. You're right, it could definitely be an I.Child calling out at how awful things are. I'm not surprised either because there has been a lot going on. I have been feeling bad / spaced out even worse since Thursday, since finding out I can get my first vaccination on Tuesday. I had thought I should try and do as much work as possible before then, but that's turned out impossible. I'm actually going to be quite hard put to it to do those things I really ought to do by then to prepare. Download a form, read and sign it and order some specific natural medications from a local pharmacy to start taking Mon eve. Really, I should have done it by Friday but I didn't manage. I also need to take one little guinea to the vet's on Mon. afternoon which feels hardly manageable rn. Also see if I can get the cargo bike because that does make the vet trip easier. But it's just - an additional phone call feels too much. I need to teach too and do various other bits of professional work.

I didn't go to the farm today, I decided against that. Who knows? Maybe I'll be doing better next Sunday after all and will manage. In the early evening I went into the garden instead and did some work. Garden work isn't like real work though. When I want to do it, then it actually does me good - working with the earth, in the fresh air, seeing green stuff all around, sowing seeds, rescuing things e.g. primroses from my old beds (now building site) and putting them in my current beds, picking greens for my little pets while I'm about it. Just writing about my garden work makes me feel happy. :) There's not nearly the amount of effort involved as there is in going to the farm - an hour's cycle.

Actually my therapy exercises are more protective than anything else, e.g. to send FOO to the moon or do some EFT, though there is a newer one I'm meant to be practising which could brings things up. It involves trying to bring myself out of the brain fog which is a type of freezing according to my T. Yeah, so that's not so protective and I can imagine why I might not want to be doing that rn...

Thanks for seeing the progress, san, and saying that you see it. You're right, it is there, and that's good for me to focus on.

Quoteworking with the earth, in the fresh air, seeing green stuff all around, sowing seeds, rescuing things e.g. primroses from my old beds (now building site) and putting them in my current beds, picking greens for my little pets while I'm about it. Just writing about my garden work makes me feel happy. :)

Just hearing about it makes me feel happy  :yes:   :thumbup:

Thank you for receiving my long post so well, that's a relief. Also, thank you for sharing more about why you are so work focused. That helps me understand you better, and I'm honoured that you trust me enough to share those details.

"Those details" actually sounds like a really big thing. Honestly, I'm going to start crying if I think about it much more. Hopefully some of your T exercises are specifically targeted to this topic, even if it is something simple like an affirmation about how you matter, you're important, and deserve to be here. That may be difficult for you, so beware of that. Again, don't mean to tell you what to do, but just an idea that may be helpful for you to consider and decide what's best for yourself.

Sorry to hear things are tough. I'm glad you've been in the garden again, though. That sounds so positive for you! Great job choosing healing over "real work"!  :cheer:

Quote from: Blueberry"Enjoying the day off"?? I don't really do "enjoy" or I certainly don't plan it.

I hope its alright for me to address this, because it's bothering me a bit. It looks like I'm totally not getting the reality of your situation. While I understand if you draw that conclusion based on this, I don't believe that conclusion to be fully correct. Based on what you said about planning to work through the holiday, I didn't expect that enjoying the day off would be something you would consider.

I wrote that intentionally to highlight the fact that enjoying the day off is something that people do, and it is a totally acceptable choice. I presented it in that way because I've had a lot of positive changes in my own life start like this (even though sometimes they're only temporary), and I was hoping the same would be true for you too. Sometimes I need that feeling, which I don't know how to describe, but it's the one when you wrote the "??", in order to get something to really sink in.

So, I don't know if I made the best choice in my wording and presentation. I also don't know if I should be explaining it like this. Above all, I hope it had a positive result. I'm very sorry if it didn't.

Don't worry too much, Jazzy! These are phases. That was my spontaneous reaction: "I don't do enjoyment." In another phase like rn I'd say that that's not true. I enjoy lying in bed feeling warm. I enjoy reading. I enjoy being out in the garden in the sunshine, I even enjoy looking at the sunny garden through the window. I enjoy talking to my friends, I enjoy cycling when I actually get on my bike to do it. I enjoy most of the teaching part of my work, until I do too much of it that is. I enjoy eating too :doh: ;D I enjoy watching guineas, whether my own or little films of other people's. I enjoy looking at nature and watching little nature clips (like the robin I linked on The Secret Garden thread). Sometimes I enjoy feeling useful. Last year I really enjoyed doing an insect count; I'm looking forward to doing it this year too. Doing it was useful too - the more people who join in, the better. So I feel 'useful' about something like that - I'm not contributing to taxes in my country but at least helping in other ways :)

I don't think I was even planning to work through the holiday but just do a little bit. I can't work 8 hour days, nor do I do so.

The not feeling able to enjoy is because of really, really deep-seated depression. That's something I'll probably have for life. Probably part of my freeze.

_____________________
I had my first vaccination shot yesterday and it was much, much easier than a blood draw. No (additional) freezing, no (additional) drifting away, nothing. A very pleasant surprise! I spent the few days before it pretty much in freeze though. And now I have no symptoms though I know of lots of people who had flu-like symptoms for 48 hours afterward. Well, my doc prescribed a number of natural medications to be taken immediately before and then after for a few days. I am managing them :cheer: though not my other meds.

I really 'should' wash my hair, shower and vacuum my office before teaching this afternoon. I don't actually want to do any of it, not even teaching. I turned my teaching down on Monday but don't think I ought to do that this afternoon. Once I start it will be OK. Once I start with the shower and hair wash, that will be OK too. But I do need to start. I will undoubtedly feel better afterwards.

hey, blueberry,

i'm another gardener and i'm so glad for you that you have your plot to dig in and enjoy.  it is so grounding, isn't it?  i find it to be so, at least.

i, too, get those 'shoulds' going every so often.  sometimes i just don't have the energy to do what i 'should' do, sometimes i think i dissociate a little, realize when i'm halfway thru a shower that i'm actually doing it.  that's kind of a weird feeling.  it's like i went into automatic pilot to get it done, but wasn't consciously thinking about it in the beginning.

kudos to you for getting your vaccine.  i've now had both of mine, and my symptoms didn't kick in until 1 1/2 days afterwards, but for both of them it was pretty much minimal.   :thumbup: i'm also glad it wasn't a horrible experience for you. 

keep taking care of you, no matter what form that takes, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

I think I'm mourning FOO or more especially F. He comes up in dreams. I'm just depressed and super-unmotivated. I have been doing a few things to try and get back on track but mostly go back to bed...

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug  :hug: 
Hope  :)

 :hug:

The dreams are hard.

Thank you Hope and Armadillo.
_________________________________

I have a new student, a child. She and her mother both find excuses why her marks are bad. After a couple of lessons now I think the problem is that this child is lazy. I don't want to trigger anybody but that is just my impression. Of course I haven't said that in so many words to the child or the mother, but I digress.

The important thing for me is that I think that I - just like this child  - could be making more of my plus points and going further. So I think I'm lazy too sometimes and definitely not always in a helpful way. Sometimes what looks like lazy is me really needing a break, letting things settle psychologically. But sometimes I think I could be doing more in some way. So that would be getting back to my: What is the most beneficial action I could be taking right now? It could be taking a break. But it also could be doing something grounding or doing something to give me a sense of agency. I don't get a sense of agency from lying around reading and dozing or playing patience and eating. That's something for me to keep in mind because I grew up with a very weak sense of agency - that happens when FOO tells you how useless you are. I can counteract that by showing myself that the steps I take actually lead somewhere for me! They help me achieve things I want to achieve or at least give me the option of knowing I tried even if it didn't quite lead where I wanted.

So maybe I'm not lazy per se maybe it's more that I'm frightened and anxious (nothing new for me). But still it's good for me to note that it would be beneficial for me to try. I know for myself what things I am not moving on. It would be good to move on these things or at least try because the less I do of that, the more blocked I feel and the harder it gets to move on anything.

You are DEFINITELY NOT lazy and I can completely see why you would have that message in your head from FOO and why you push yourself so hard.

I hope you can find a way to connect with your new student and find a way to help her be motivated, whatever the reason.

I'm not saying it's the case with this girl but all my teachers and peers thought I was a lazy freak or drug addict as a kid and I was none of those things. Just traumatized and shutdown.

A lot of wisdom here, Blueberry!  :)

Excellent job with self-reflection, self-understanding, and self-appreciation! You are phenomenal!  :cheer:

I hope you find a good balance between moving on the things you want to work on, and not overtaxing yourself.

Perhaps the child you are working with could be better mentally as well. Based on what you said about her mother finding excuses for her, I have to wonder what she is being taught (by example) at home! I imagine that makes things difficult for you, but I hope you can work through it without it taking too much of a toll, and perhaps even be a good role model for the child, just by being yourself.

Great analysis, Blueberry! Lots of good self-reflection and it sounds like you have a plan. Asking yourself "What is the most beneficial action I could be taking right now?" sounds like something I could start doing as well.

This is just a thought because of course I don't know your student or her home life, but is it possible she's not challenged enough? I just wonder because in the time that I grew up, that was when they stopped a lot of the "Gifted and Talented" programs in school. I often got accused of not paying attention or daydreaming after that simply because I was so! very! bored! with the regular work.  Just a thought. Maybe she's not being given a chance to reach her potential at home and that seeps over into school.

Quote from: Jazzy on May 08, 2021, 12:12:57 AM
Excellent job with self-reflection, self-understanding, and self-appreciation!

Thank you for pointing those out to me. I guess my self-understanding and self-appreciation are getting better.

Quote from: Jazzy on May 08, 2021, 12:12:57 AM
I hope you find a good balance between moving on the things you want to work on, and not overtaxing yourself.

This is a very good wish for me. As I reflect on it, I realise that I haven't had the feeling that I'm galloping along and then suddenly pull the brakes on hard. That used to be a huge problem: gallop headlong, stop. Gallop headlong. Stop. etc. So now maybe I'm in a phase of non-galloping so I don't have to pull the brakes on hard, but it feels strange because new? 

Quote from: Jazzy on May 08, 2021, 12:12:57 AM
Based on what you said about her mother finding excuses for her, I have to wonder what she is being taught (by example) at home! I imagine that makes things difficult for you, but I hope you can work through it without it taking too much of a toll, and perhaps even be a good role model for the child, just by being yourself.

Good point about what she's being taught by example! I guess it's slightly triggering for me because of what I was taught by example at home - quite similar in a way: others are at fault, the system is at fault. For my parents the others/system was: the country we re-emigrated to in my first year of school. So the message was something like: we can't better ourselves/our situation because we're stuck in this country (not the case, it was a choice to go back for employment reasons) combined with we don't want to better ourselves/our situation anyway because we don't want to live here and nothing is like back home in the old country.

In my young student's case, Corona and all the school restrictions are at fault according to mother and child combined with the lack of good teaching in English (as a foreign language) in elementary school. According to me the child's biggest problem is that she doesn't want to learn her vocabulary. Actually the mother knows that's a problem too but still told her child, who told me, that the most important thing for the child is to have English conversation with me. Well, as I write that all out I realise that the child and I are both hearing pretty mixed messages!

There's no doubt about it: Corona and all the restrictions are making things tough for school students but there's so much more going on with this child.

I know I'm giving this child and her mother rent-free space in my head. They both need boundaries and they both need me to be strict. Fair but strict. That's part of what was missing for me at home too actually. In many ways my parents were strict and certainly towards me very unfair but in some situations like schooling they didn't really care about me and how I progressed despite being university-educated etc themselves. I gathered at home that education and teachers in the country we re-emigrated to were mostly useless and not to be respected, so why do homework then?? I didn't mostly. But FOO didn't respect people or even themselves in general, so I didn't learn much self-respect either. So "laziness", as I've been calling it, might be better termed: a lack of respect for myself. There's that saying about watching your thoughts because they turn into words which turn into deeds and eventually into your character (or I might add your children's character).

Doing things for yourself whether washing your hair, cleaning your apartment or simply learning your vocabulary is a sign of respect for yourself. Some members of FOO like F are not good at this type of self-respect. Tons of money but wander around in moth-eaten clothes. When your gloves are worn thin, they don't keep your hands warm. A sign of self-respect and of course self-care would be to buy new gloves. F doesn't. But I'm pretty bad at that kind of thing too. 

Anyway, whether it's clear to anybody else through my ramblings, it's becoming clear to me that this child and her mother are in my thoughts due to what the situations is telling me about myself now, and also somewhat in the past, though the past is less relevant. To be mourned maybe. Ah no, an Inner Child has just popped up so the past is relevant. So I will end this in order to work with my Inner Child.

Aw, hugs to you, Blueberry. It sure sounds like this client is a little bit triggering given your past. I agree you are super insightful and thoughtful.  :grouphug:

Thank you Armadillo  :hug: :)

I'm feeling more purposeful this morning, so I am also feeling better too. Undoubtedly that's connected to my thoughts and meanderings yesterday, oh yes and my work with this Inner Child. Actually I'm not even sure it's an Inner Child. It's possibly more the very undernourished side of me, a part that is not looking for food as nourishment. So, off into the garden again to pick greens for my little furbabies and then up to the farm. Lovely sunny day though I mostly work indoors, but the cold indoor place will be warmer and it'll be a lovely cycle up to the farm.  :)  And all of those places give me some form of good nourishment.

Blueberry, this is incredible! The way you were able to realize that you were upset by someone else, analyze why, then find the connection to your own life, then work to improve yourself is absolutely outstanding.  :applause:

Quote from: Blueberrya lack of respect for myself

I don't mean to put you down at all, but I think this is so crucial. If I could say just one thing to everyone with CPTSD, it would be that building self-respect in whatever way works for you (them), is the most fundamental part of healing.

You've really nailed so many points here. I'm not going to list them all, but this one stands out to me:

Quote from: BlueberryThere's no doubt about it: Corona and all the restrictions are making things tough for school students but there's so much more going on with this child.

Yes, there are a lot of factors in life. A lot of things could really be improved. The plague, school restrictions, others, the system. It breaks my heart that these things are not better, especially our education system. However, we have a choice. We can do our best in the situations we find ourself in, or we can not bother putting much effort in, and stay stuck.

I'd suggest that you should reward yourself for doing so great, but I believe you've already done that by going to the garden!  Wow! I'm impressed, and I'm so happy for you.

I'm finally moving on that letter to my ll regarding the other business neighbour and the toilet. The situation in there is just indescribable. Unfortunately though I worked on it for a number of hours, I didn't manage to finish. I end up moving sentences around, finding the order illogical, moving paragraphs, deleting bits, adding other bits, checking my grammar because I can't remember if a particular word is masculine or neuter etc etc but at the same time I don't seem to be able to stop doing so or think to myself: "It doesn't matter - just send it and get it over with!" So I suppose it does matter to me or my ICr. or somebody. Oops, my ICr. shouldn't really be classed as a "somebody".

One good thing though - I was able to tap into my anger again without being overwhelmed by it. My head has a few "This is a totally unacceptable situation" / "The state of ... is absolutely disgusting" going through it and I wrote these sorts of sentences and will certainly be leaving them in the final copy. That does feel good and it makes me feel strong, and in my Adult.

Much more minor, because far from the first time, but I also cleaned out my FurBabies' extensive living quarters so I feel better about them having it clean and dry underfoot again.

I also got started on another translation, which I've known about for a while. It's the last one though. I got a further inquiry this morning and though I did look at it, I decided that I didn't like the look of it, that it's not going to be any fun at all for me, and so I declined. Even though the person needs it badly but she was also reasonable about various things, which not all clients are. But still - no, not at this time, not a good time for me. So I said I don't have capacity, which is perfectly reasonable and even true. I feel proud of myself for this.  :)

Blueberry, I can see where the letter to ll would be so difficult. That has been a stressful, emotional issue for you. Add to that the struggle to find the right words and correct grammar. Bravo to you for working on it.

Yeah for tapping and for cleaning FurBabies living quarters.

If I recall correctly, in the past you would have accepted the translation job or said no and questioned yourself. I proud of you too, that you were able to assess the job, realize it wasn't for you, and say no.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Way to say no!!!!

Thank you Armadillo and notalone  :hug:

You're correct about the translation job, notalone. Either I would have accepted for all sorts of unhealthy reasons or I would have had all sorts of guilty thoughts of the "should have" variety for turning it down. Merely writing that is enough for M to appear in my mind. So took a little break to send her away to some forests thousands of miles away.

I had therapy yesterday and asked for direct help from my T on writing a letter to ll :thumbup: :cheer: My T dictated a letter to me. At first he said it would just be a rough thing, I'd have to revise it a little myself, but then I did get him to repeat more slowly and I wrote it out word-for-word. Might sound as if that's not really a therapist's job, but it became clear to me and is obviously already clear to my T that I can't shut my emotions out of what I'm writing. Nor can I avoid dropping into feeling "I have to prove this beyond reasonable doubt". What all that means is that the very act of setting a limit, saying "No" catapults me back into some form of traumatic memory where I have no access to a completely detached, intellectual way of expressing my needs and rights. I had been trying to write this letter to ll for so long that now - as I write this post - I realise at my present stage of recovery, I'm not capable of writing a letter that will move my ll to deal with the issue at hand. In fact the only person really capable of helping me here is unfortunately my T! I have tried to get help elsewhere, but have met dead-ends, shall we say. Or people who thought they had to teach me how to do things I cannot do because of my own particular brand of cptsd. Or people with totally different ideas on how I should (oh, there's that "should" again) resolve the situation, e.g. installing a toilet in my office, without comprehending how that is another ballgame altogether which in itself would send me sprawling in a different direction for months and still not set my business neighbour or my ll a real, forceful boundary. So getting help seems to involve a lot of JADE - justifying, arguing, defending, explaining. Altho they say over at OOTF that you should not do that, what happens if I'm so stuck I can't avoid it? Does that mean I have to constantly put up with the behaviour of people - narcs or otherwise - who drive me to this? So I sound like a victim when I write that?? As somebody else recently wrote on here, I am a victim of what was done to me in my childhood - and later - by FOO. My T's understanding of how trauma gets me into these types of situations is necessary to helping enable me get back out again. It's not as if I haven't tried on my own.

Sorry that's very long but I can't decide where to make a para break, which is the sort of thing I can't decide when writing difficult missives to ll and other people as well.

So I got help, but can't email my ll till tomorrow. On the recommendation of my T, I'll write that I've given business neighbour a copy, which I will then do obviously. At first I thought I wouldn't do that, not wanting to give the neighbour advance warning and allowing him to clean everything nicely before ll deals, but then I realised that the state at the moment has what has finally galvanised me into deciding: I HAVE to do this for my own comfort and that of my students as well as my self-respect but ll doesn't need to know I'm at the end of my tether with this, in fact better not because that's emotional which seems to make him dismissive and go into denial about his responsibilities as ll towards me, his tenant. Should he ask, I have photos and other proof from a few months ago. That's enough.

Even the thought of actually typing out what I hand-wrote during T session and sending it to ll gave me stomach pains yesterday. That's enough for me to be dealing with! I don't also have to be stressing my head and emotions to the degree it happens just because my ll refuses to do his job as ll and because my business neighbour is constantly pushing my boundaries and being completely disrespectful of my basic needs.

So that's been a big thing in the past couple of days. I'm now behind on my final translation of the past month or so, but I will manage by some time tomorrow. I enjoyed doing some of the terminology research and it is all starting to fall into place in the strange way that happens to me. You'd think the work might go sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph, but that's just not how it works out for me. At least I can translate more than I used to be able to in one sitting :cheer:  I realised that when I was reading some old posts of mine yesterday.

I took a break earlier in the day when it was still sunny and spent time in the garden, picking greens for my FurBabies  -  which they accepted with relish - and doing a little weeding as well as looking at what's growing and flowering and flourishing while I was about it.

I'm just noting this website here for myself: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/repressed-emotions/ Computer-wise is the least scary place for me to put it atm.  So I may also remove it in a day or two.
It might interest other people, but that's not my prime motive. I'm adding a *TW* because one of the examples used could be triggering to survivors of (C)SA, although it isn't to me.

my dear blueberry,

i know how long you've struggled with this LL thing, and i give you all kinds of credit for asking for help.  i totally related to the idea of not being able to keep emotions out of some correspondence, and i've taken to asking my d to critique emails, etc. before i actually send them.  well done, you!   :thumbup:

i agree with you about some deep-seated something hiding away that wants to get out when there is an emotional element behind the missive.  i feel that, too.  it's like i wasn't able to speak my truth about how i felt in person, so it wants to leak out into correspondence, where it's really not the time or place anymore.

you did great, and i get the stomach pains, too.  lots of admiration for this step you took.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san  :hug:

________________
Came on here tonight and read a few new posts, decided against responding so as to have energy for my own post. Then I did respond to one but I do think I did it more for myself than for the OP. Whereas if I'd welcomed a new mbr, it would be more for that person and harkening back to my days as Mod. Let other mbrs on here do the welcoming today.  :thumbup: for me.

Some good stuff: I taught both students well today, both adults. 90 minutes and 60 minutes. The 90 minute one has been happy with my work so far but was even happier today. I think she maybe didn't consciously realise how the lesson could be different and how I could make it more directly relevant to her current situation and her own learning methods. She's really motivated and does a lot of learning and practise on her own.

The 60 minute one needs professional workplace-oriented language, which isn't my thing at all, but it's working well because she really needs language help especially pronunciation and that kind of thing rather than all the latest buzz words. She's not at all condescending or anything like that when I don't know a workplace expression from her company. So this way I remain in my Adult and don't slip back into one of my Teenage Inners who is totally overwhelmed and lost in a professional context and in having to use more mature methods of verbal expression than a 16y.o. is usually capable of.

I'm having fun with my translation!!! It's a case where I get to do a huge edit and really move away from the original text to make the document sound as natural as possible, even if that means leaving out some content. I often can't do that with the documents I normally translate. So I'm happy.  :)

I think I'll leave the stuff where I'm feeling a bit explosive for another day. Maybe do some EFT before I go to bed to calm myself a bit instead.

Hi Blueberry,

Great job prioritizing yourself, and with all the good stuff you've listed here! I'm so happy to see you using words like "fun" and "happy" to describe yourself and your moods. That's incredible!  :cheer:

I also "hear" you that you are still working through some things, and while I haven't talked much about that, I see that you are making good progress on that front as well. You're doing absolutely wonderful!  :)

Wow! That's so very awesome that you are having fun, feeling happy, and taking care of yourself by doing EFT to calm down.  :hug:

So the explosive thing I mentioned in previous post.

I have noticed that people tend to give me unwanted advice and instead of me being able to say "Thanks, but I don't need your help, my mind is made up" or something like that I go into JADE mode: Justify Argue Defend Explain. Especially the Explaining part combined with feeling I need to Justify my decisions, feelings, actions.

Yesterday a friend phoned wondering if I was OK since she hadn't heard from me for a while. She supposed that my problems with that other friend are still dragging me down a bit. Yes, correct. But then when I talked a bit about how that's going, she came up with explanations and justifications for this other friend. They aren't friends btw, so that's not the reason.

I wrote on here before something like: "Please give me the courtesy of believing that I actually know what I'm talking about."

My T has been saying on and off for months now that just because somebody doesn't like me setting a limit or making a reasonable request in no way means that I'm not allowed to make the request, say "No" etc. As I write that down, I think: "Well, yeah, that's logical" but growing up the way I did obviously that never landed in my People Skills ToolBox. So tonight that means another email to write and point out to this next friend that I don't want help/advice/interpretations unless I say so.

Our phone conversation wasn't really that enjoyable. I got riled and rattled and then kind of loud and even started swearing about FOO's treatment of me but couldn't seem to get out of the conversation. Every time I said something there was a repartee, so I ended up justifying myself there too. I think that I'm at least sort of being understanding of myself about it, not self-condemning anyway. I realise I need to practise noticing what's going on and stopping the conversation way earlier by saying "This isn't up for discussion."

Other than possibly exuding an air of "Please crash through my boundaries", I realised today that my rhetorical questions beginning with "Why...?", possibly also "Why on earth...?" might not be being understood as rhetorical and so some people are maybe trying to answer the question for me. But as my T has been advising me for a while, whatever reason people have doesn't justify their behaviour towards me AND it doesn't negate my right to say any of the following "No. Please stop this. I don't want your advice...."

It all boils down to I've spent my life second-guessing and even third-guessing myself, giving others the benefit of the doubt, putting up with other people's atrocious behaviour towards me because I was taught to in FOO. I learned that lesson really well growing up, undoubtedly I needed to in order to more or less survive. After decades of practice it's hard to break out of the role. Even harder when people I thought were friends are trying to keep me in that role for whatever reasons of their own. And as my T keeps telling me, those reasons don't have to interest me (because I then get caught up in them and forget myself and my needs.)

Maybe it was on OOTF that I read somewhere that if people don't accept your "No" and start arguing, they're being manupulative. Idk if that's always the case but it's certainly worth keeping in mind for me to maybe help me set a limit, not second-guess myself etc.

As I wrote above: "Please give me the courtesy of believing that I actually know what I'm talking about."
Also: "Just because I have trauma in my background and have trouble reacting appropriately in all situations now (especially having trouble defending myself, being there for myself) does not mean that I misinterpret everybody's actions and words." And: "Just because 'you' don't have a diagnosed psychological problem, it doesn't follow that you know more than I do about the best ways of dealing with conflict. Nor does it mean you're 100% emotionally healthy. "

It sounds like you have a really good ally in your therapist, supporting you in learning to stand up to others and protect what you need. And it sounds like the people in your life giving advice aren't just sort of ignorant about what you need but perhaps are actively trying to make you doubt yourself and take advantage of you?

Thank you Armadillo for your supportive and caring words. My T is excellent for me. He really gets it. He also never shows any impatience at the time I'm taking or anything like that. Therapists did in the past.

I got a return email from the friend I emailed yesterday. She is the mother of my godson. Oh my, there are a few things amiss there too. Kudos to myself for speaking up the other day. I spent a couple of hours today formulating a reply and then sending it. At least this friend has shown some accountability for her behaviour and has also explained where it's coming from and has at least NOT said anything like "Please do NOT expect me to act against my personal beliefs/usual behaviour."  However there is other stuff in her email which is sad to read, like she's wondering if I still want to maintain contact with my godson, as in do I still care? Hello??! She's never thought to ask. Wow.

Some of it is just hard to read, like all the time she's known me despite all the therapy I've done, she doesn't see any kind of improvement that remains stable. I've heard that before. People in my life have problems when I don't recover as fast as they think I should or in the ways they think I should. Oh, there's that 'should' again. She also mentioned my constant conflicts with people close to me, which hurts like he-double hockeysticks. My conflicts come about because I stand up (obviously rather ineffectually) to people trampling my boundaries. And some of those people then keep provoking and behaving passively-aggressively, e.g. the other business neighbour. So it hurts to feel that the blame is being seen on me. Maybe I'm reading too much into that. But it sounds to me like: you must be the problem because you're the one who gets into conflicts, whereas - what about the behaviour of some of these people towards me??!? How is that OK? Rhetorical question. It is NOT OK.  :blowup: Sorry for shouting and exploding.

Oh man, cptsd is such a curse.

I wanted to write a word I keep forgetting: disempowering. I feel disempowered when people question my decisions and how I carry them out. Their behaviour feels disempowering to me. I could do with some empowering people around me. I know that means opening my eyes and heart to finding new people, it doesn't tend to just happen all on its own.

Quote from: Blueberry on May 16, 2021, 05:47:23 PM
I got a return email from the friend I emailed yesterday. She is the mother of my godson. Oh my, there are a few things amiss there too. Kudos to myself for speaking up the other day. I spent a couple of hours today formulating a reply and then sending it.

Got a response to that this morning too. If I detach myself from the situation, it's even slightly comical, but mostly it's somewhat hurtful and frustrating. As I have experienced in other situations, I'm seen as the emotionally-unhealthy one because of all my symptoms but in actual fact I have much more clarity on the situation than she does. Well, I think so anyway. For one thing, she is trying to heal me and is frustrated that it's not working. She's making assumptions about, eg. the best way for me to heal. I really think she genuinely means well. Her thoughts and words are coming from a good place, but it's still not appropriate and it's causing a rift.

I'm also hearing mixed messages of I should see them more often, stay in better contact though otoh she's concentrating on other things so... But doesn't spell out what exactly that means. I know what she's concentrating on atm but Idk what the "so..." refers to. I think it might mean she doesn't have time or energy for me, but that doesn't fit with wanting more contact. :stars:

Of course I'm going to write again and gently point a few things out and ask a few questions. But: Ho hum. Unfortunately, it's not the first time that somebody has been projecting some of their own stuff onto me. There are more examples, more convuluted stuff but I don't have to prove that to anybody. Yay  :cheer: progress. Also probably quite a few mbrs on here know what I mean anyway. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Your friend sounds exhausting and obnoxious, Blueberry! You have a lot of strength and patience to keep trying with her (I'm guessing your Godson is a big reason?).

Quote from: Armadillo on May 17, 2021, 01:50:24 PM
Your friend sounds exhausting and obnoxious, Blueberry! You have a lot of strength and patience to keep trying with her

Hm. I've never thought of it that way before. All discussions of this sort are exhausting for me. This is the fourth long-term good friendship where I have noticed, or am noticing, problems. In one friendship I haven't said anything, I just kind of back off a bit sometimes.
With this friendship, as for the other 2 which have gone belly-up, I'm going to see if and what we can save of it. I actually consider her a really good friend, so that's why I'll keep trying for a while. I just added that bit about my godson in case any of my long-time readers on here read and that might ring a bell.
But thanks for mentioning strength and patience Armadillo because my ICr says quite different things of course.

Another good reason to tackle this is that it's good practice. I can feel stronger in myself than I did just yesterday.

Blueberry, I appreciate you reflecting on friendship.  One of the experiences you mentioned above with the friend that is trying to heal you and sends mixed messages resonates with me.  I am navigating friendships too and appreciate I am not alone in that.  It is tricky.

I'm really happy to hear it is a friend worth educating about how to best support you. That's awesome. I'm glad she overall makes your life better.  :cheer:

On the email to ll + neighbouring business:

Quote from: Blueberry on May 13, 2021, 04:47:51 PM
So I got help, but can't email my ll till tomorrow. On the recommendation of my T, I'll write that I've given business neighbour a copy, which I will then do obviously. At first I thought I wouldn't do that, not wanting to give the neighbour advance warning and allowing him to clean everything nicely before ll deals, but then I realised that the state at the moment has what has finally galvanised me into deciding: I HAVE to do this for my own comfort and that of my students as well as my self-respect

Wrote email and sent today. Then I made a copy and gave it to my business neighbour. I delivered it by hand because he doesn't often empty his letter box. In no time at all he was back out of his business demanding through the glass dividing door in the hallway "What the .... this is?" and whether I'd written it. I affirmed that I had, immediately regretted that I hadn't said "No, it's from a lawyer" but otoh if he wants to deny to ll that he ever received it, he won't be able to tell ll "she wrote it herself". He waved the letter around, banged on the door and demanded I open the door though of course he has a key. I refused to open the door. So he pushed it towards me under the door. So meaning "Return to Sender". His grasp of the local language is not enough to have understood the details in the very short time he had the letter, but he must have understood at least that I've sent a letter of complaint to ll and that it is about the toilet.

I came back into my office and locked my own door from inside, which I very rarely do. I'm sweating a bit and feel kind of nervous. Is he going to try and get revenge by destroying something of mine? Or planting himself in my garden again which could also involve destroying a plant or two.

I know this is 2021 and he is not B1 but the tailor is aggressive and like B1 he doesn't seem to have any ability to take any responsibility for his own actions. How is it OK to not clean a toilet for over 2 months? I know because I've been permitted to teach school children in my office again since 22 March. The toilet was in an appalling state then, and still is. I do check regularly to see if he's cleaned it, but he hasn't. In fact I think it's likely he hasn't cleaned it or at least not the toilet seat since we went back into hard lockdown 5 months ago. Unfortunately his business was allowed to stay open throughout lockdown because repair shops are. I understand that people need to get cars, bicycles etc. repaired - transportation! - , but clothes? However, these are the rules.

So I'm thinking 'wow' in a bad way at his refusal to accept any responsibility. No accountability. Just verbal aggression towards me. He gives me dirty looks too when I'm in the garden. otoh he once did ring my apartment bell to let me know it was storming and snowing etc so I should bring my 'sandwich board' advertising back in. He even spoke semi-decently too but that was because he wanted some information. Still, I gave him the information he wanted.

You're doing great Blueberry! That's a scary thing to do and have to deal with.  Be nice and gentle with yourself today.  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you're ok.  The interaction with your business neighbour sounds stressful to me, and he does sound like he's aggressive in his stance and body language.  I feel angry about his inability to clean that toilet, that is definitely not taking responsibility for something - in my opinion.  Banging on your door and demanding you open it - that's not right.  I hope that your ll will respond to your letter soon, and that you get an outcome that is reasonable.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you both Armadillo and Hope for your support!  :hug: :hug:

I've had a pretty good day today :thumbup: Lots of getting-on-with-things energy and lots of mental energy, which helps with my little business.

I tend to have more energy when I've been setting limits. My T confirmed a long time ago that would be the case, except when setting the limit is so difficult that it totally exhausts me. In that case, the energy will come but as a delayed reaction.

Quote from: rainydiary on May 17, 2021, 09:00:36 PM
Blueberry, I appreciate you reflecting on friendship.  One of the experiences you mentioned above with the friend that is trying to heal you and sends mixed messages resonates with me.  I am navigating friendships too and appreciate I am not alone in that.  It is tricky.

Thanks rainydiary, it is tricky. It's helpful for me to hear you're navigating friendships too and that my example resonates with you. I felt/feel so exhausted today I can't write more here though I wanted to.

This sounds rough, Blueberry. I'm sorry that you're being treated like this. It is not right at all. I hope you can find some way to get a long term resolution for this situation, and that you have the strength to deal with it in the meantime.

While you're right that he is not B1 in the past, it is completely understandable to think about that given the similarities. I've made similar connections like that myself.

I'm glad to see that you had a good day shortly afterwards, with lots of energy. You're doing great!  :applause:

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug  :hug:  I know you were tired when you wrote in your diary, and I know that you wrote something that was incredibly supportive to me in the other part of the forum, and I wanted to tell you that I appreciated that so much.  But I also hope that you are able to get some rest, or whatever you need at this time. 
Hope  :)

QuoteI could do with some empowering people around me. I know that means opening my eyes and heart to finding new people, it doesn't tend to just happen all on its own.

On that note I just wanted to let you know how much I admire your willingness and capacity to try work through  relationships with people you currently know and to look at finding new people who are positive and empowering. This feels like where I am too. 

I often find myself at a bit of a loss though as to where/how to find new people who are healthy and positive, have good boundaries, and understand that relationships are reciprocal.   :Idunno:

I'm thinking it might be time to find some face-to-face volunteer work (e.g., local food bank), somewhere where the people who volunteer are there because they are inherently good, decent people who care about others. Another possibility I was thinking of is trying a Meet Up group for something I'm interested in (e.g., gardening),  - there are quite a lot here as we're close to a big city.  Of course this may be a month or two yet due to COVID but I like the idea and I have more time/energy now that my H is almost fully recovered.

I hope your neighbour behaves, I totally get that it would be triggering for you  :hug:

Quote from: Kizzie on May 24, 2021, 06:13:46 PM

QuoteI could do with some empowering people around me. I know that means opening my eyes and heart to finding new people, it doesn't tend to just happen all on its own.

On that note I just wanted to let you know how much I admire your willingness and capacity to try work through  relationships with people you currently know and to look at finding new people who are positive and empowering. This feels like where I am too. 

Kizzie it did me so much good to read the quotation from my post and your words yesterday!! Thank you. :hug:
Why? Because of course my ICr was back on the rampage about "BB is really so difficult, always fighting with everybody". There had also been some veiled comment from somebody in the next-door building which could be interpreted that way too. I do know I'm seen as a bit territorial and difficult, but I do have my reasons... I don't mean cptsd much. Just the hypervigilance will make me seem controlling. So other reasons that have to do with some of those other people and sometimes to do with lack of communication i.e. why don't they ask me instead of discussing with the neighbours?

Just now I'm thinking back to my first and only F/T job. For seating arrangements, I was moved into an office with somebody outside my team. He told me after a while that somebody else in his large team had said "OMG! :aaauuugh: You're going to be sharing an office with her?? She's really difficult" To which he replied that he was going to wait to get to know me before he made any judgements. He hadn't even known who I was; "the quiet one with glasses" he'd been told. We got on pretty well. The person who told him I was so difficult didn't know me at all, he'd just heard and accepted that as fact. There were a couple of women in my dept who I didn't get on with. They spread that obviously which wasn't very healthy emotionally/psychologically of them.

Anyway, that sort of thing seems to go on in these two neighbouring buildings who share a garden (UK) / yard (USA) and where there is additional overlap e.g. my apartment neighbour works for the ll next door who has a building co. and used to be our ll too. My business neighbour, the tailor, runs around smiling at everybody and chatting up the women until it doesn't get him anywhere e.g. with me. If you don't see through that, then of course I'm at fault.

This neighbour is behaving in that he hasn't turned violent on me or anything. He "got his own back" in some silly laughable way that didn't harm any person or any object. So that's fine, if that's what he needs. He hasn't cleaned the toilet yet though nor has my current ll got back to me.

Kizzie, thank you for mentioning my capacity and willingness to work through relationships :) It's helpful when somebody sees the positive I am doing and pinpoints it for me since I often have trouble with that.

Yes, Covid will make it harder to get to know new people in the short-term. I think I read over at OOTF that emotionally healthier people do actually start attracting other emotionally healthy people e.g. people who are good with boundaries. I'm not quite there yet. I'm still stating boundaries but not actually being able to then enforce them. I do hope you're further Kizzie, sounds that way at least with your H and S :applause: That will make an impact on the relationship skills part of your brain and then it'll be easier.

So proud of you for continuing to maintain your boundaries and needs!

Good for you for being "difficult" :cheer: Everyone should be "difficult" and I hope I learn more from you in how to do that. Keep it up!

Thank you Armadillo  ;D

I think it's good if you can set boundaries without appearing to be difficult. Other people then maybe react better towards you? But anyway, I am where I am in my recovery process and I also am who I am. I guess I'm not so good at accepting that atm.

The topic of boundaries and your wonderings resonate with me as I am struggling with that big time.  I appreciate you sharing at it helps me learn and feel less alone. 

Thank you rainydiary, you sharing that makes me feel less alone.  :hug:

I have been thinking that I do go through rather a lot of phases of getting into disputes and conflicts with people. Since I obviously can't change other people, I probably do need to look at some of my own issues a bit more. I don't mean I think I should just give in. But find some way of being and acting that doesn't put people's backs up so much.

Yesterday I was reading old posts and found this on a Recovery Tools thread of Kizzie's.
This is part of one post, which made me think about my contribution in disputes:

Quote from: Kizzie on September 05, 2014, 11:36:24 PM
If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

    ...
    The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
    The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
    The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
     
     The right to live free from accusation and blame.
    The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
               
    The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
   
    The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

To be quite honest, I don't think I spare everybody around me all of the above. This not having a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like goes both ways. Part of it is me ever so often having these big surprises about what was not OK in FOO's behaviour when I was growing up and/or ways in which I've learnt since then e.g. it's quite OK for me to say "No!", set a limit etc. But the other part is looking at my behaviour towards others, even my business neighbour. His behaviour is far from perfect but how did I contribute to things getting to the state they are in? How can I avoid that with other people going forward? I do make more effort with people I like so as not to get into a huge dispute. People who are emotionally healthier than me probably make more effort with everybody.

Also yesterday my T said - he didn't say 'should' - but he said that the more I work with allowing my feelings to be and to evolve in a safe setting, i.e. the more I actually sit down or remain standing, ground myself well and then do my therapy exercises the easier it will become for me to automatically remain in my healthy Adult of today and not allow some Part from the past to take over. That all makes sense. But it involves doing and not just writing/thinking about it. Doing = Taking Those Concrete Steps, as in at least one of my previous Journals on here. I am rather avoidant when it comes to my therapy exercises.

I'm beginning to think (it's so hard to write this down - accountability calls!) that it's time I put more effort into my recovery. I know that sounds like a 'should' but it's actually turning into a 'want'. I want to make more of my life. I don't want to "always" be in disputes with people (of course it's not always, but I do have a tendency that way). Getting into disputes is part of my legacy of growing up in FOO and when I think about it, I keep seeing B1 as he was in some part of my childhood or teenage years. It's part of my legacy, but if I learn to stay in my healthy Adult more often then I can leave that legacy behind. Shrug it off the way a snake sheds its old skin, and move into healthier relationships in general or put out this air of 'Forget it. I'm going about my own business and I'm not fighting with you."

My T also said that when I'm consistently better grounded and more in my healthy Adult, disagreements and disputes as well as trying to clear them up will no longer be so exhausting for me. So really there are many incentives for me to work more on my recovery. If I'm honest with myself, I am slacking a bit. 

Blueberry, as I was reading it feels as if I could have written this post.  I am going through similar growing pains and find it so challenging to not be in conflict with others.  While conflict is part of our life, I would say I seem to run into it a lot and it hurts me deeply.  I appreciate your reflections - it has got my mind going and if it is ok I hope to share some of what is coming to mind.

I have been trying to notice some things.  One is myself.  I continue to be in conflict with myself and am so hard on myself, so that makes sense to me of why I put that on others too.  So I try to slow down and get curious about why I am being hard on myself.  Also today I read a line in a book called A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield - the quote was a question: "How old do I feel inside when I react to this loss?" This work continues and I would like to ask myself this question more.

I also have been trying to notice what helps me feel more successful in my interactions with others.  As I've been doing this, I have noticed more times where I am doing just fine in my relationship with others even if our conversation is about conflict or problem solving.  I notice I have the hardest time with some folks who trigger some part of my younger self (often it relates to their size, how dismissive of my communication they are, how they approach me).  I also somehow manage to find bullies that take advantage and I haven't really figured out how to manage this as I tend to try to make it work.

I am on this journey too and wish you well.  It is tough but I can really relate to what you are saying of wanting a different way. 

BB,

Your therapist sounds wise!

I also see how challenging your situation is because you want 2 things: 1. To not be in conflict and 2. To learn to stand up for yourself and not be abused.

That part of us that tries to say "this is not ok!" is super important too. Learning how to be effective in saying "this is not ok" is so challenging and something I have not mastered. I avoid while you are tackling it head on.

QuoteAlso yesterday my T said - he didn't say 'should' - but he said that the more I work with allowing my feelings to be and to evolve in a safe setting, i.e. the more I actually sit down or remain standing, ground myself well and then do my therapy exercises the easier it will become for me to automatically remain in my healthy Adult of today and not allow some Part from the past to take over.

In the exact same place BB!  My T and I are working on "dual awareness" of what from the past is rising up and layering onto the present.  In the heated discussion I had after Mother's Day with my S, I can remember literally seeing my NB's face and hearing his voice.

It was then that I needed to step back, take a breath (or 2 or 3) and try to keep the two situations separate.  I could see this afterward, once I got through the EF, but at the time I just left my "window of tolerance" and dysregulated because I was overwhelmed.  At least I can see/feel this more now, at one time I would not have seen/felt what was happening at all.

It's progress but like you the next step is getting that dual awareness in play and practicing staying in that WofT.  Easier said than done as I know you know, but it sounds like that's where we're both trying to get to.  :hug: 

Quote from: Armadillo on May 29, 2021, 02:11:34 PM
I also see how challenging your situation is because you want 2 things: 1. To not be in conflict and 2. To learn to stand up for yourself and not be abused.

Thanks Armadillo, that's a good summary of the situation.

After my big revelation, I went to bed and read and dozed and dreamed all sorts of stuff for 24+ hours. I have had worse reactions before when I've been at this place of realising that some things are on me and that only I can move forwards. Nobody can do that for me.

I appreciate your comments and your openness, Kizzie and rainydiary. It helps me to realise I'm not alone.

I've been putting off doing things all day - whether professional work or tidying and cleaning or therapy exercises or gardening or contacting friends with whom I'm in dispute, though they have their roles to play too. It is NOT all on me. I guess an emotionally healthier person would manage to start discussing rather than needing to emphasise that they are not 100% or even 75% to blame. It's probably more like 50/50.

otoh my ICr decided to suggest that FOO is probably right after all and I am wrong and should go grovelling back, apologising etc. Oh, there's that 'should' again. ICr. is not correct here.

What I suppose is new is that I'm no longer quite so hard on myself so it's a little easier to acknowledge where I'm going wrong and where I need to and sometimes even want to make changes.

Sounds like great progress, Blueberry! :)

You're right that ICr is way off base here!  ;D

I'm glad you've been able to tell ICr that.

You push yourself really hard to be productive. I'm kind of feeling like  :cheer: cheering for you on the days you don't do much.

Thanks, Jazzy.   :)

Quote from: Armadillo on May 31, 2021, 05:01:47 AM
You push yourself really hard to be productive. I'm kind of feeling like  :cheer: cheering for you on the days you don't do much.

Sometimes I give myself a cheer too, but I feel I have to be careful since my go-to method as a child and teen was giving up and not doing anything so as not to expend any unnecessary energy. I'm not that child or teen anymore. I have many more possibilities at my disposal and there is much less danger.

The other thing is: I'm in my early 50's and have been in therapy or working-on-self for over 20 years and don't want to spend the next 20 years on it the way someone I know is doing. I have only one life on this earth (that is what I believe) and I'd like to make more of it instead of tripping myself up when things seem to be going well.

And also procrastinating on the weekend means I'm up the proverbial creek today with my professional work. Parts of me could do without the added stress though I think there is at least one part who likes the stress. But I'm not sure I want to get involved with that part today.

Still, thanks for your viewpoint, Armadillo.  :)

Something else today. I saw another business owner from further up the road standing outside our building chatting away undoubtedly to my business neighbour and think once more I've got myself in a situation where my 'enemy' is liked by 'everyone'. I know people generally prefer a positive person and I'm seen as controlling and negative and I guess some of that is probably right. In group therapy I've often gone back to that spot and then feeling hurt by it.

I know on a intellectual level that it shouldn't bother me who has contact with my business neighbour and that more importantly it doesn't mean they have anything against me. I'm not especially outgoing so they don't necessarily stop for a chat. It shouldn't matter but it does.

Well, best plan now is to put all those neighbours plus anybody I'm presently in conflict with on a screen behind my imaginary barriers to get them out of the way so I can concentrate on my prof. work.

That's a hard spot do be in, Blueberry.

I'm currently finding myself removing a whole bunch of people from my social media, who are mutual connections between me and my NF. Not all of them, but in particular the ones who remain friendly with him even though they know what happened. On one hand I feel like that's childish of me, since they have no role in it and they can decidide who they wish to befriend.
They don't have to "pick a side". But at the same time...it's just icky.

Alter-eg0, the difference with me is that I have told one particular friend that she does have to choose between me and my parents. She has not chosen me, though she may not have chosen them either, exactly. She may have decided to un-choose me so to speak and not have much contact with them either.

Or maybe you mean with the neighbouring businesses, Alter-eg0? and other neighbours? Of course I haven't asked them to choose. It does feel icky.
___________________

I feel like disappearing under a rock today though I know that that won't help anything. I can hardly get on with my work though I cancelled teaching x2 and got a reprieve on the other till tomorrow.

There's a saying in my country that "you can be happy, or you can be correct" which does have some truth to it, except that when I'm not defending myself and therefore not fighting, I'm not especially happy with the way far more than my share lands on me wherever I am, unless there are set rules that are stuck to, which is not the case here. And if I just accept the way people are and the way they treat me especially in a group like at a place of work or here in the building and neighbouring garden, then I'm not happy with the way people go over my boundaries, take my things, decide the visiting dogs needs to meet my little herbivores though I said "No" etc. So it feels as if I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Also the longer my business neighbour and I are at loggerheads, the more it drains me of energy. My demands annoy him but he's got less to lose since he doesn't seem to mind using his own exceedingly messy toilet and he doesn't have any customers who might need to use it where it might fall back on him.

So I end up feeling childish. Other people look at your behaviour in the here and now. They're not interested in the preceding 1.5 year build-up. So I look unprofessional.

Mostly I think I'm just triggered back into a position I have been in before and a position I neither know how to get out of without the whole burden landing on me again while seeing that digging my heels in doesn't seem to be helping. Along with that, I feel childish. It's so bad, it feels like SI - feeling like crawling under a rock is this need to get far away and never show my face again. There's never actually a danger of me doing anything. Well, having written that at least I now know I'm in a big flashback.

my dear blueberry,
:thumbdown:
how upsetting that these people continue to be rude, negligent, and disrespectful to you.  honestly, i don't believe you're acting childish, even if it may feel that way.  i've always believed you've had legitimate and valid 'beefs' with these people around you, whether it's been indoors or out.  how long has this been going on!!!  not a question - i know it's been years.  sometimes i want to crawl under that rock with you - i'm so sick of horrible people, and these people are indeed horrible.  i'm just sorry you've had to battle them for so long.  what they've done and said is not ok! :thumbdown:

i'm sending love and a hug filled with support and helium balloons to give you some uplifting energy.  i truly wish i could do more, stand side by side with you to help you take them on - again! :hug:

 :grouphug: blueberry. I think you are doing the right thing, too, for what it's worth.

Blueberry, I've been away from OOTS, so just now caught up on your journal. I think that you are being very adult in sticking up for yourself, your business and your students. This has lasted way too long. Your business neighbor continues to be rude and selfish.

:bighug:           

Thank you all  :hug: It helps. Still, I seem to 'always' end up alienating other people.

Maybe if you are alienating people who are selfish or harmful, that's not such a bad thing? It sounds like you have good boundaries and those are people who are not respectful of your choices.

Blueberry...it's ok and reasonable to wonder about your role compassionately, and as you've said before, accept the right amount of responsibility, just not 100% or 75% or maybe even 50%.

But we tend to let ourselves get stepped on a bunch, right? And it's natural after we start seeing that pattern to try to protect ourselves from  being used or abused. And that's ok too.

Do what you need to do then try to put it away and not let it interfere with your day more than it needs to. Easier said than done I know that. I've let situations like that eat up my whole day or week or month or year because we feel responsible and bad or guilty or ashamed or defective in some other way. That's the trauma talking.

:hug:

Thank you all for your support and your differing views to what is going on in my head or soul or somewhere.
At least I've left the SI behind me - it was only a day or maybe even just half a day of that. It took me a while to get up this morning, but once I did I didn't feel like crawling under a rock anymore.  :thumbup:

Blueberry, I'm sorry you are still being treated badly by so many in your life.

What you've written recently seems complex and I can't find any easy answer. I'm also quite hesitant to offer any ideas because I don't know if you appreciate that kind of input, but I really wish I could help.

It sounds to me like you are conflicted between two things:

1. Setting healthy boundaries and not allowing yourself to be hurt by others is an important and good thing to do.
2. Alienating people feels bad. I don't want to tell you how you're feeling, but it leads to me feel discouraged and ashamed and unworthy.

I wish I could give you an easy resolution here, but I don't have one. However there were a couple of things that helped me.

Increasing my self respect helped me feel better about alienating people who were chronically toxic to me. I realized that it wasn't about the people, it was about what impact their behaviour had on my health. All of those people are welcome back in to my life, if they are positive and no longer toxic.

Alienating toxic people wasn't enough for me though. I needed to replace them with nourishing people. I can put a seed in perfect soil with perfect air and pollutants at all, but it still won't grow without sunlight and water. Finding nourishing people has been challenging, but it is becoming easier. I've found that people respond to how I act myself. It's been so difficult to put myself out there, but opening up and making it a point to be highly positive has helped a lot to let me connect with other positive people. It doesn't work perfectly, people are very complex, but it has worked most of the time.

Anyway, I hope you can work this out in a way that is good for you. Sending you strength to help deal with the nasty neighbours and others. :)

Sorry for a second post, but I didn't express this clearly before, so I'm making a point to write it now.

I've found it very important to listen to my mind, because my sub conscious often knows better than my logic mind. Blueberry, if you think/feel that it's good to set boundaries, and you don't like alienating people, then I'm sure your mind is right. When it comes to a situation like this which seems contradictory, I find that it is often because it is more complex than I realize. I hope the "replacing toxic people instead of just alienate them" bit was helpful. It's okay if it wasn't though, hopefully you can find another piece of the puzzle that is important for you. :)

All the best Blueberry! :)

Quote from: Armadillo on June 01, 2021, 05:15:00 PM
Do what you need to do then try to put it away and not let it interfere with your day more than it needs to. Easier said than done I know that. I've let situations like that eat up my whole day or week or month or year because we feel responsible and bad or guilty or ashamed or defective in some other way. That's the trauma talking.

That is certainly more easily said than done!
Thank you for reminding me that feeling bad, guilty, defective... is the trauma talking. Because those are the things I have been thinking I am since yesterday.

I've also been feeling mega-depressed.

Yes, Armadillo, I certainly get stepped on or end up expending too much energy on others. e.g. my business neighbour thought I was fine as long as I was still helping him for free. When I started setting boundaries, I was deemed no longer friendly. And because I'm apparently no longer friendly, he goes over my boundaries on purpose and/or punishes me by going deliberately out of his way to make things unpleasant e.g. his behaviour and his friends' behaviour in the shared business toilet. Then it feels like I have choice between giving in to him or continuing to leave my boundaries where they are and being bad-mouthed by half the street and certainly by almost all the other renters in this building and the neighbouring one. So they can't all be wrong and bad, right? So it must be me. otoh that probably is the trauma talking because that's what I learned in FOO too.

So in FOO, if I set B1 a boundary, my parents especially M would accuse me of all sorts of things like I wanted B1 dead. Or when my only way of showing B1 I disapproved of his behaviour to me was to stop talking to him and/or not answer his fake concerned questions e.g. "How are you?", my parents certainly reduced the amount they were talking to me. Or when I said I didn't want him to use my nickname (inappropriate for somebody doing PA to me), my parents stopped using my nickname too.

So I know with that having happened then, I'm more 'reactive' about something going on now which feels similar. It's weighing on my mind and makes it seem harder to just phone some other friend up and say "How's it going" and not talk about how I am. But to talk about how I am means to unpack all this stuff. Or I suppose I could say I'm feeling 'bleah' but don't specially want to talk about it, thank you very much. Yes, that would be good.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 03, 2021, 01:47:44 PM
It's weighing on my mind and makes it seem harder to just phone some other friend up and say "How's it going" and not talk about how I am. But to talk about how I am means to unpack all this stuff. Or I suppose I could say I'm feeling 'bleah' but don't specially want to talk about it, thank you very much. Yes, that would be good.

This kind of encapsulates why people with PTSD self-isolate. The number of times I've felt just like this BB and have pulled away because of it...I think your plan sounds beautiful.  Self-care right now might look like a bit of friendly distraction with something that brings you a bit of happiness?

You have very legitimate reasons to feel upset by what your business neighbors are doing to you. 100% justified. And the rest...the parts that make you doubt yourself, that make this hang over you, that make this feel even worse.  That's all the trauma and it all makes so much sense given your FOO.

Thanks Armadillo. I'm not sure if it was self-care but after a round of teaching I went back to bed and read parts of several novels I know more or less off by heart.

You're right about the encapsulation of why people with cptsd self-isolate. No wonder I felt like back at square one today. After 20+ years of therapy. :aaauuugh:

Quote from: Blueberry on June 03, 2021, 07:41:03 PM
No wonder I felt like back at square one today. After 20+ years of therapy. :aaauuugh:

You are not back at square one. A day or week or month of having a really hard time does not erase all the progress you have made.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling mega depressed, Blueberry. Depression makes everything so much more difficult than it already is. I hope you feel better soon. :)

Quote from: notalone on June 03, 2021, 09:08:25 PM
You are not back at square one. A day or week or month of having a really hard time does not erase all the progress you have made.

Thank you notalone! I really needed that reminder! I'm actually feeling better today, not so depressed, more able to get on with things. That really shows I'm not back at square one. Because in the past, especially the far distant past of square one, it would have taken me months or even years to come back up again after all what's happened in the past couple of weeks. And/or all that stuff wouldn't have even happened because I wouldn't have even been able to broach those subjects / problems with the one friend, my LL, neighbours etc. and keep working at the same time.

Thank you Jazzy, I'm feeling better already. Thank you also for your longer post and the sort of p.s. after it. Also thanks for not trying to give me a solution because I think only I can find that, especially since it is all kind of complicated and quite often I simply need time. I often forget that somehow.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 04, 2021, 12:38:34 PM
it is all kind of complicated and quite often I simply need time. I often forget that somehow.

There's a lot of wisdom here in this thought BB. I'd like to keep this quote with me for a long time.

I'm glad you're feeling better already, Blueberry! :)

--

Quote from: ArmadilloThere's a lot of wisdom here in this thought BB. I'd like to keep this quote with me for a long time.

Blueberry is extremely wise. I've learned a lot from her too, and I still am.  :thumbup:

Quote from: Jazzy on June 04, 2021, 11:52:13 PM

Quote from: ArmadilloThere's a lot of wisdom here in this thought BB. I'd like to keep this quote with me for a long time.

Blueberry is extremely wise. I've learned a lot from her too, and I still am.  :thumbup:

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This means a lot to me, especially atm with all the flack I'm getting irl.

Today I realised a sign of progress: My dreams are pretty active and FOO is in them a lot but they are either not as toxic as normal or even trying to help me. Add to that, I am able to turn their offers of help down and say that no, actually, I've chosen a different route.

Up till not so long ago, I used to have nightmares about being back in the family home that was sold a good long while ago, but where I spent the longest time and the worst years. In those nightmares I was desperate to get out but I had no idea how to leave the house and get a rental place and I had no job and couldn't get one either. Just a few nights ago I was back in that house with FOO and I wasn't running from them, the house wasn't all shadowy and I was actually sitting down with my parents talking about how to get back working. M made some suggestion of where I could look or where she could give me a leg up (that never would have happened) but I calmly stated that I was staying in my current field. And nobody tried to convince me otherwise or criticise my choice.

So does this mean FOO has suddenly changed? Sadly no. But I think it's an additional sign that I made a correct move when I told that friend: me or them. It was retraumatising for me to know I had a seemingly good friend who thought she knew more than I did about trauma recovery and all the rest of what was going on. I am back to feeling pretty depressed today, pulling back from thriving into surviving or maybe into just zoning out. but then I went into the garden - good move - and remembered the dream. :thumbup:

My stating in the dream that I'm staying in my own field (I was meaning the more difficult one that I have decided to give up before and then gone back to) is probably reflecting how it is that I am quite simply doing better - more able to give cost estimates i.e. it's not half so exhausting any more; more able to shrug if I don't get the job because the client thinks the job should cost half that; getting better bit by bit with the new Word version; more able to write invoices - as with cost estimates it's a lot less exhausting. Now that I think about it, that's a lot of progress too.  :cheer:

 :cheer:

My dreams are often places I work through things too.  This is so cool for you. 

Sorry to hear things are still tough, but you're doing great! Reading about your progress is extremely encouraging. I wish FOO improved, but I think that you have improved despite that. :)

I am reading from time to time atm but not posting much partly because of a further friendship boomerang. Then I got my second vaccine on Tuesday and have had a bad reaction so mostly lying in bed  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: It'll pass I'm sure but typing hurts.  :grouphug: to everybody esp. those in need of it

i'm glad you're getting some rest.  take your time - you deserve it, my dear.

sending love and a hug filled with healing energy. :hug:

Sorry to hear it's difficult Blueberry, but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Great job getting your second shot, too!  :thumbup:

Hope you're feeling better soon. Thank you for reading.  :hug: if it is positive for you.

 :hug:

I hope you feel better soon and feel sad to hear you're facing more friendship boomerangs but I I really respect how much effort you put into your friendships.

 :bighug:

 :bighug:

PS - Had my second shot last week and my arm felt like I'd been punched really hard.  It went away within a day or so - hope yours does too. 

Thank you san, Jazzy, Armadillo and notalone  :grouphug:

Today I feel mostly better again physically. The vaccination spot is still raised and a bit itchy but other than that no problems any more. I can do anything and everything again. All in all, it was probably quite good to have an enforced break of a few days where I was either lying down resting or taking things very slowly. Lovely weather here :sunny: but not too hot, so spent a few hours in the garden with my Fur Babies. They did haphazard lawn-mowing while I did gardening work and picked wild herbs and flowers aka weeds for my supper. I took part in an insect count. Earlier in the day I did quite a bit of housework. That all feels good. I feel happy. :)

The friendship boomerang is a continuation of one I undoubtedly mentioned earlier. I've just checked back in this Journal. It started in mid-May. Today as I'm feeling more grounded again, more purposeful, more able to get on with things, I realise that this friend commenting on me having disputes with so many people close to me must have been pretty triggering though I didn't consciously realise it at the time. Since then in our correspondence she mentions that she thinks I'm taking things from my childhood out on her and her family, which feels like an emotional punch in the gut. I am still thinking and corresponding though.

I phoned my little godson today for a chat. I think he liked that I phoned or at least wasn't averse to it.

Blueberry, I celebrate you in having a day that sounded overall good. 

You really do work hard and persevere through rough spots with friends. I really admire that. Most people cut and run when things are hard. Not you!

I'm sorry she said something so very hurtful and triggering. I hope she comes to understand how that type of statement affects you.

I'm glad your reaction to the shot is waning.

wow, blueberry, so happy to hear you've been able to bounce back, get some of the life-giving dirt under your fingernails, so to speak.  i'm looking forward to doing some container gardening at our new place, and it's one of the most exciting aspects to me.  yay for gardens.!!!  :thumbup:

i agree with armadillo about your perseverance.  i've seen it over and over thru the years.  it's an inspiring quality about you i admire.  sending love and a hug filled with satisfaction on a job well done. :hug:

This sounds wonderful, Blueberry! I'm so glad you are feeling better.  :thumbup:

I also had a chuckle about your fur babies mowing the lawn while you worked in the garden. That is a lovely mental image.  :)

Great job winning through the struggle!  :applause:

Quote from: Blueberry on March 19, 2021, 04:06:23 PM
I had a bit of email back and forth with one of the coordinators of the literary translation summer course. There are 5 or 6 people ahead of me on the waiting list and only 10 spots altogether. I think it's pretty unlikely that enough applications will be turned down and/or successful applicants decide against it at the last minute, but the coordinator didn't say: "Forget it! No way!" She said that I just might be lucky. I see it that way too - not likely but conceivable that a couple of applicants are turned down and a number of others have some bad luck and get ill at the last minute :bigwink: (Nothing too drastic though!)  So the correspondence between us felt good. I'm not blaming myself either. I know I wasn't procrastinating when I didn't finish my application in time - there were simply too many cptsd hurdles in the way.

A couple of hours ago I completed an application for a similar one-day course in the autumn :cheer:  I found out about the course a few weeks ago, but didn't actually start the application till today. It was much easier for me to write than in January/February when I would do a little bit, then go back to it, then stop again for weeks until I missed the deadline altogether because

Quote from: Blueberry on March 19, 2021, 04:06:23 PM
there were simply too many cptsd hurdles in the way.

This time there were much fewer hurdles and difficulties :thumbup: :cheer: That means there has been progress :cheer:

 :cheer:               :grouphug:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: That's wonderful Blueberry! I'm so happy for you! :)

Thank you all for your validation and cheers in the last little while  :) :)

I've got a place already on the one-day course in autumn that I applied for. Originally they said I'd hear by the end of June, so I was surprised I got notified yesterday.

A translation was collected from me yesterday and I'm back working on a new one today :thumbup:   I always used to need a break of a few days or even weeks.  I think I'll be finished by tomorrow, though it's not due till Monday. So I'm feeling relaxed.

The school student I mentioned in early May - her problem stems at least partly from her parents not being on the same page about her. The mother actually agrees with me that her daughter should be allowed to feel the consequences of not doing homework and not studying for a big test. e.g. you might just get a mark of 30%. But instead the father runs around doing his best to get her to study, working together with her e.g. till midnight last night for a math test today, therefore she didn't have time to do her homework for me etc etc. The mother does explain all these 'facts'. I'm not interested and I cut her phone call short today, saying I got the picture, thanks. For me these are simply excuses. 

There are often times when I do listen to why a student didn't do their homework and what they say is not necessarily an excuse, but in this case I think the girl has got away far too often with not doing something and nobody has set her a real limit or allowed her to feel the consequences. The parents seem to run around with an emotional safety net to catch her. Of course there is a time and place for parental emotional safety nets. I'm probably not the only person on here to not have had enough of that. But too much isn't healthy either.

In a nutshell this child doesn't need so much 'sympathy' and attention and 'understanding', she needs somebody to be fair but strict. To say "No." and "Stop." and "Pay attention to what I am saying" (instead of doodling in your book) and "Go back to the exercise you're meant to be completing" (instead of asking me extraneous questions). But I am fair. When she gives a correct answer or improves e.g. her pronunciation of a word that I'm working on with her, I praise her. I'm not being like my mother: strict and mean, holding grudges which meant she wouldn't praise you 5 minutes later (or 5 days later) for getting back on course and doing something correctly.

Sometimes being strict is a way of being kind and I really think that's what this child needs. I feel much better now, much more in charge, in my Adult instead of slooing around (spelling??). Before I felt as if this child was leading me (and her parents) around by the nose. She's probably still leading them around, maybe the mother to a lesser degree. But I'm not allowing it. That has something to do with boundaries too.  :thumbup:

Working with students in my experience is such a balance of boundaries.  I have learned that kids need boundaries.  I recently learned about something called the Circle of Security which I think is a way of understanding secure attachment.  I found some of the free visuals on their website really helpful for my thinking.

Hi Blueberry,
I really hear the adult self of you setting boundaries in your writing in relation to your student. 

I haven't been around as much this past few days, so I was late in adding some validation and cheers your way, but I have been thinking of you from time to time - so sending you some hugs and cheers now  :hug: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Hope  :)

What you are doing for this girl sounds very kind and like what she needs and like you are coming from a good place.  :hug:

Good job on your back to back productivity!

Thank you rainydiary, Hope and Armadillo.

I'm really tired now but just want to note for myself that I've had another good day :thumbup: I've been up and about since 8:30am basically doing productive stuff all day. I did take breaks but I don't have the impression I got stuck in one of my cptsd ruts doing something unproductive for hours on end. It's actually now in the early hours of the following day. I really accomplished a lot today and I'm feeling good about that :)

I've just finished attempting 2 further emails to the friend I'm presently in a dispute with. One is a suggestion on when and where I could meet up with my godson next. He can't help what's going on! The other one is me trying to get clarification on what some of her criticisms of me really mean - I can deal with small doses of constructive criticism but not with blanket statements.  Writing that email is really hard and I've given it up for the evening and will look at it again tomorrow.

Wow, Blueberry!  :aaauuugh:

This is incredible!!!

I was going to quote the key parts, but the whole thing is just full of positivity! I really like how you identified that you were struggling with the e-mail, so you set it aside to come back later. That's tremendous progress.

I remember it wasn't all that long ago where you were immobilized by an EF while trying to write something. I remember it because I have been in similar situations. Look at us now! :D

Congratulations on all your growth and healing, Blueberry!

Jazzy <3

 :yeahthat:  Lovely to read your post BB, really happy for you  :hug:   Here's to many more good days!

Thank you Jazzy and Kizzie :hug: :hug: It's good to read your posts now and good to read them yesterday too. I zoned out all yesterday afternoon and evening. I needed to remind myself that I had done constructive things in the morning because ICr was mentioning 'wasting away the day' though not quite so virulently as on some days. But no, actually I did some general clean up and tidying in the morning and I gave my little pet her meds for the second time since Saturday, which is good going on my part. I also took all my own meds.

I have 3 emails to write, no 4 actually, and I'm stymied on all of them, so I guess it's an EF again, as you point out Jazzy, an EF when I have to write something. Though you didn't write 'have to', that was me rn. Really these are emails I want to write, but they are so difficult. The fourth is about my godson's proposed visit in the summer but I don't seem able to send it before writing to his mother about the other stuff.

There are good things atm too: I have been needing a new better bike since my own was stolen 2 years ago or so. I've found and bought a second-hand one that appeals to me. I'm a little picky about my bikes but as soon as I did a test ride I felt happier than I have for a while. I was surprised how much difference not having a bike quite to my taste was having on me. Wow. Really adding to the depression.

There's a bit of work needing to be done on this bike; I managed to haggle the price down by almost a third. All that money and more will be going to the local bike shop. Sometimes when I take a great step forward - finally deciding on and buying a bike new to me - that kind of bowls me over and I need time to recover. That seems to be part of the problem atm. This is one of the occasions where I think I simply need time.

Last week I emailed my choir director about not being sure that I'll return. She wrote back that if I want I'm welcome to come back whatever state my singing is in. As I haven't sung for almost a year apart from very occasionally to an Internet church service or to a CD, I imagine my singing performance has gone way down though possibly not back to square one.

On Sunday I went back up to the farm to do some field work where they'd asked me to. After I was back in the house there was a terrific thunderstorm, so I wisely decided to stay the night. It's dangerous cycling when lightning is really close. Sleep was brief for whatever reason so I started on the Monday morning job I used to help with regularly (but hadn't done since Covid really got going) and was soon joined by the guy actually responsible for it. I soon noticed that I've improved at it.  :thumbup: Not after working to improve it of course but just with time, the way things improve for me. I was less nervous, less tense. I could feel that. Though if you'd asked me a year or so ago I probably wouldn't even have noticed that I was tense because the guy I work with is somebody who doesn't stress me out per se. So I think it must be that my ICr has got less, well, critical. And/or there's other trauma healing going on. I was better able to make minor judgement calls. That's often very difficult and stressful for me. Anyway it's interesting to me - though it shouldn't be surprising - that the improvements I'm making in my own professions are being accompanied by improvement with farm work.  :)

Not only have I got a spot on a one-day literary translation workshop in October, but I've already received the work we're all meant to do in advance. I haven't started it but I have been thinking about it and that's helping me feel a little inspired.  :cheer:

P.S. NTS feeling down atm does not equate to being down. There are a lot of improvements and forward movement and when I write about them, I immediately feel better.

 :hug:

It seems healthy to pace yourself on those emails BB.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 23, 2021, 02:21:33 PM
P.S. NTS feeling down atm does not equate to being down. There are a lot of improvements and forward movement and when I write about them, I immediately feel better.

This is a huge realization! Congratulations, Blueberry!  :cheer:

Jazzy <3

Despite forward movements I feel very down. In fact I didn't even get up when I was meant to TWICE today, so late for both my adult students.

You're undoubtedly right Armadillo that I need to pace myself and/or those emails.

Sometimes after a lot of forward movement and/or good things, I slump. Probably one of those times. Sometimes I just need time to come back up again. Probably one of those times too.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 25, 2021, 12:50:22 PM

Sometimes after a lot of forward movement and/or good things, I slump. Probably one of those times. Sometimes I just need time to come back up again.

This is exceptionally true for me too. I call it my psychological smackdown. It's like my subconscious thinks:
 How dare you make progress or feel good! Wham! Take that! Now stay in your place before someone gets hurt.

Try to be gentle with yourself before you rush to come back up again.  :hug:

 :yeahthat:  I so agree with Armadillo BB.  It's an ongoing struggle so many of us seem to have with an Inner Critic that thinks it still needs to protect us in case we get too comfortable and aren't ready for the next take down as we're trying to move forward into better things. 

:hug:

I'm sorry you're feeling down Blueberry, but I love your positive attitude about how it will get better soon!  :thumbup:

One thing I've found is that I have been treated so badly for so long, is that I began to expect that good feelings can never last, and disaster is just around the corner. Then I begin to feel bad in expectation of that coming again. Most of this is sub-conscious, but it is there nonetheless.

I hope you're feeling well again soon! Until then, I hope you find some rest and peace.  :hug:

<3 Jazzy

The underlying problem atm is not knowing where I'm going with one particular friendship. There's one part of me saying "Forget it. You've discussed enough with said friend. Just phone and continue as if everything's OK." There's another part saying "She doesn't understand so she's going to hurt me again. And I'm really mad. How is it OK for her to say all these bad things to me and then talk about what's normal in a friendship??" Then there's my ICr talking in the voice of B1, saying "You're not normal. Why can't you be normal?"

When I read that now, it's the second part who needs my attention. Because that's me. The other parts are being dismissive of me and my thoughts and feelings. Well, at least I have some clarity now.

However, I haven't been paying that part much attention. Just been roaming around the Internet e.g. websleuths (missing children), news (not much good) and earlier eating. Also looking up some information for a student. Something I didn't know in the lesson I taught yesterday. Oh yes, and pulling my hair out. Well, I was going to go up to the farm and kill off potato beetles so I suppose that would be better than most things I'm doing atm.

This is deep difficult stuff. It's no wonder you feel resistance to it. I'm very impressed that you identified the true you throughout the mess of ICr and dismissive thoughts.  :thumbup:

I hope that you can relax a bit soon... not just distract yourself, but actually relax. I find that is where my best progress is made.

I'm glad you have found clarity, and I hope this leads to further goodness! :)

<3 Jazzy

That's really good strong clarity. BB. It isn't ok for your friend to hurt you. You are exceptionally kind to continue trying to help your friends do better. You're right! You're not "normal" you are kind and tenacious. It is good to stand up for yourself.

 :hug:

Hi Blueberry,

Thank you for all of the times you have mentioned that "shoulds" are not good. This morning when I was reviewing my notes to myself, I noticed it said "you should...". Upon hearing this I thought of you and how important it is not to tell yourself what you should be doing.

So I updated my note. Now instead of telling myself what I should be doing, I ask myself if I want to be doing things right and looking for ways to improve. It is still a leading question, so perhaps not perfect, but I like it much more than "should".

Thank you for being a positive influence in my life!  :)

--

Recently I have been colouring people's names, as I find it a very positive and healing thing. Would you like me to continue colouring your name as well? If so, which colour would you like me to use? It can be any colour you want!  :thumbup:

<3 Jazzy

Thank you all for comments and validations.

I feel like giving up quite frankly. Not that I will. In fact I finally had a shower and washed my hair this morning. So that was some self-care I have trouble with that I've finally done.

I've been off in the Land of Flashback or probably I'm still there. Where does it get me?

What if my friends IRL are right? I really am this bad? My T doesn't see me functioning IRL, nor does anybody here. In my early 50's going on 85, or at least that's what it feels like.

Good things: my roses are blooming, I went on a bike ride on Sunday with a group. I have a doc appointment in a couple of hours. I have a potential buyer for the bike I no longer ride. At least I no longer want to give up to the extent of heading into inpatient therapy for weeks. Which does NOT mean that other people shouldn't go that route, it's just I've done enough of it before that healing at home with real life problems is where I really think I should be at. I'm using 'should' consciously here.

_________________________________
A nice natural green if you like, Jazzy.

Dear Blueberry.

So much for you to deal with, and I have no advice, but you are doing so well to just keep going.

I know that feeling. I am mid fifties and feeling about 85 as well.

Take care, Libby.

Thank you Libby, validation is enough on its own. Often, I think I need to come up with the way forwards on my own. Part of what my friends have been doing wrong is giving advice where I didn't need it, partly because they cannot understand, and then getting annoyed that I didn't follow it and/or haven't gone the route they envisaged for me.

How my doc and present T haven't got burnout with me and my case is: they're open to what changes I make in my life and what order they come in. So they're not disappointed or frustrated when they don't see certain changes. They don't take it personally either. And they don't miss the changes I am making i.e. they don't miss the wood for the trees. One of the criticisms of the latest friend is the more I heal, the less time I have for her and family and that includes my godson. No kidding. When he was born I was possibly working an hour a day, 4 days a week. Now I'm working 5-6 days a week, except maybe in especially bad weeks. It doesn't seem she can be happy about that, happy for me.  They also lived 5 minutes away on foot. Now it's over 3 hours by train.

At the same time, I feel all mixed up inside, emotionally that is and not like a good or emotionally-healthy person so I don't envisage myself going off to form new friendships atm. Feel more like being on my own atm.
This is all just a rant. Sometimes it's good to get it out of my system.

Blueberry, what you write resonates so much with me.  As we heal, certain situations and how we show up in them change.  Others may or may not be very accepting of that.  And there is still the underneath stuff.  I keep waiting to feel different inside and sometimes I do but I mostly just feel still messed up.  I am thinking of you and am glad you have supports that honor you. 

Aaarrrrgggg! I hope you don't mind me saying?

Your friend sounds kind of selfish? I hear in your posts that your relationship with your godson is very important....and yet it sounds like she is almost abusing that kindness, and guilt tripping you and not looking out for your wellbeing?

I'm sorry if I said too much of the wrong thing. I just...mmm....it feels like you are taking the blame for maybe her issues, and it feels from your description that she almost wants you to not get better yourself because it inconveniences her?

I could have it all wrong. I'm sorry. It sounds hard.  :hug:

It sounds to like your friend may be guilting you instead of saying what's going on underneath  - that she misses you. She may even be afraid she and her son are losing you.

I wonder if you just said something like - "I'm sorry you and your son are missing me, I miss you both too but I'm working 5-6 days a week now and it's 3 hours by train to see you.  Maybe you could come see me so we can get together a little more?"

It's a softer and more indirect way of reminding her your life has become busy and that instead of laying on guilt she can talk about missing you and you can work together to see what might be done.

:)

Quote from: Armadillo on June 29, 2021, 03:14:15 PM
Your friend sounds kind of selfish? I hear in your posts that your relationship with your godson is very important....and yet it sounds like she is almost abusing that kindness, and guilt tripping you and not looking out for your wellbeing?

I'm sorry if I said too much of the wrong thing. I just...mmm....it feels like you are taking the blame for maybe her issues, and it feels from your description that she almost wants you to not get better yourself because it inconveniences her?

It feels a bit that way to me, Armadillo. So you haven't said anything wrong. I note today that last week seems a looooooong time away. I asked a student today if he was here last week. He was. His lesson is ticked off in my agenda anyway but I don't even remember the lesson or him being here or anything.

Quote from: Kizzie on June 29, 2021, 04:34:17 PM
It sounds to like your friend may be guilting you instead of saying what's going on underneath  - that she misses you. She may even be afraid she and her son are losing you.

I wonder if you just said something like - "I'm sorry you and your son are missing me, I miss you both too but I'm working 5-6 days a week now and it's 3 hours by train to see you.  Maybe you could come see me so we can get together a little more?"

It's a softer and more indirect way of reminding her your life has become busy and that instead of laying on guilt she can talk about missing you and you can work together to see what might be done.

Maybe. Unfortunately I'm not very good at these indirect things. I just feel she's said all these bad things about me and then expects me to move on. Though I'm just beginning to realise how bad all these things are.

In the past she'd lay on the guilt about me not driving because that's quicker. I put up with that because I've been getting it all my life, except of course from people who don't drive either. A few years ago she decided to reduce her ecological footprint by driving less so therefore she wasn't going to come to my town, not even to bring my godson. I found her priorities a little weird. Maybe she doesn't want to visit me anymore. I think maybe I seem like too much of a burden to her. I'm not very good at hospitality, making people feel welcome, having my place cleaned up, at least enough to have people drop by.

She has actually already said she doesn't want to come, she won't have time because she's starting up a business. It feels to me more as if she is guilting me for doing what she intends to start doing: spending more time and energy on her career. I'm not the one who had 3 children. I don't have any. I wouldn't manage. I don't want to pass the abuse on. And although she's not specially happy in her role as mother, housekeeper and do-er of various different freelance work assignments, she and her children can live off her H's good pay. Whereas I have nobody to support me except an unwilling FOO and the state.

She also asked questions about abuse and I'm sorry I answered in detail because a few years later she questioned some of it, like the CSA. I put up with that too, though it hurt. Because I know what happened to me was abuse and I know that you could possibly make the same action without intent and maybe it wouldn't be abuse. But what was done to me was with intent and it was abuse.

She also said once she felt kind of sorry for F (his 'nice guy' approach) to which I said "Don't." But I think it's possible she still does. I don't even want to ask. It feels like betrayal.

I'm thinking these things because she's brought up a whole lot of stuff from the past that she never said was a problem then.

btw I'm meant to have got some important documents in today, but I haven't. Too late today, it's almost 5pm. Idk what's going to happen. It's about my residency status. Sometimes I simply DO NOT DO things I HAVE  TO. Not sure what I'm provoking there. I know I won't be deported. I stayed in bed all day until I had to get up and teach.

My teaching is slipping, especially my adult teaching. Too difficult. I feel like giggling, which is an Inner Teen who feels out of her depth. Needless to say I'm feeling dissociated.

 :hug:

I hope the dissociation lifts soon.

I hate dissociation. But sadly learned that accepting it makes it leave faster. Rarely fast enough. Do some nice stuff for teenBB

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad enough you've had to dissociate BB, I care that you're in that place and I hope you're able to lift out of it soon.  Sending much care and support my friend  :hug: :hug: :hug:

 :grouphug:

Thank you all  :grouphug:

I got those super important documents in about an hour ago. I phoned this morning to say they'd be late and the person I spoke to was OK about it.

When I got back home after dropping off documents, I thought about doing another difficult task involving documents etc but decided to leave it till tomorrow.

Good things: our town is running a Use Your Bike thing for 3 weeks. You sign up and log the distances you cycle from A to B or just for fun. I discovered dropping those documents off and cycling home was 5km. I'd never thought it would be that much. I'm going to try and cycle a little bit every day, even if that means just going for a little ride with no particular destination in the evening.

I managed to teach this morning, by asking the student to do some haiku-like poems. I did some too including one on myself.

I have a little bit more impetus today.

The next-door building put their garbage bins in front of their own building last night instead of in front of my office. Huzzah! They seem to have got the message.

Huzzah indeed BB!   :hug:

Yay BB! You did it! And I'm really happy to hear you gave yourself a break between doing the other important paperwork task.

Thank you Kizzie and Armadillo.  :)  A break was necessary. It was good I took it. I had tons of things on my possible To Do list for today but in the end I wasn't able to do most of them. I did fun things instead: some gardening, met up with a friend briefly and went for a little tiny cycle with her.

Then I spent hours on one of those difficult emails. I feel relief now but also anxiety. Any incoming email and I dread checking who it's from, though I have been checking. It's like when I used to dread seeing emails from my parents if I'd sent them some missive, possibly not even a limit but just a query or a response. So I guess the anxiety is more to do with me and less to do with them. Not in the sense of 'Whose fault is it?' but in the sense of 'I could have control over my actions, could learn to not have anxiety.' With time anyway. I keep yawning, which means something is evolving in my feelings.

Spending hours on that email reinforces for me how difficult it is to feel what's going on in my emotions and verbalise it as well. Even though I checked and rechecked and rewrote bits, soon  after I sent it, I realised various things I forgot to write that I'd intended to. Not that speaking would be any easier, in fact it would be way worse.

 

QuoteI had tons of things on my possible To Do list for today but in the end I wasn't able to do most of them. I did fun things instead: some gardening, met up with a friend briefly and went for a little tiny cycle with her.

:thumbup:    :applause:    :cheer: 

 :thumbup: :cheer: Seconding! Taking a break isn't always easy for us to do for ourselves, but we sometimes need to recharge. Glad you were able to do things you liked. :)

After having a good read in here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13870.0, I decided to turn down a small translation project I'd inquired about.

That fits quite well with the fact that I really needed a break just a couple of days ago and I'm still teetering. I know I'm teetering when certain things are really difficult. Shower? Get dressed in nice-looking, age-appropriate, faintly feminine clothing? Take my meds? Clean and tidy in apartment and/or office? All difficult.

Also I've been noticing for a few days that I can't come up with the words I need, especially when teaching. Trying to translate in this state is setting myself up for a huge struggle that's just not worth it. So I'm glad I figured that one out.  I was on the old bent of: not much professional work atm so better (as in 'should') take on some more instead of all those other small non-professional things I was planning to get on with. Then realised that those small non-professional things like washing the dishes, washing one final window, going for a little cycle every day, cutting back part of a bush that's covering my window etc etc etc are exactly what I need atm to help me get back on track, find those words I keep losing etc.

Also there is a pretty long list of difficult things that need to be done which I don't want to procrastinate any longer. In some cases, something or other has come up making it a good time to deal with these long-not-done things now, rather than putting them off again. So although earning more of my own living is certainly a goal, I need also not forget the healing steps I need to make in other areas. They are important too!

Blueberry,

Thank you for posting and providing the link to the backstory. Yikes! The choices between version A or B, client preference, monetary gain, etc, are so familiar. I know this is not what your current post is about, but wanted to send a nod of acknowledgment for those thoughts. Here's a nugget which I really like:

QuoteThough I do remember 2 ways in which I might help myself: remind my ICs and Inner Teens that they run off into their play-and-relax spaces and leave the work to the Adult in me AND put FOO behind their dark bullet-proof screen and send them to the forests of northern Scandinavia.

I wanted to speak to two issues; difficulty in word finding and procrastination.

Word finding: totally relate to this and notice how it's changed over time for me, Some appears to be age related, some stress related and some I think, for myself, is that more of my brain has been engaged with c-PTSD healing, processing, and therefore, that energy is diverted away from my previously specific word choice. Especially when writing! At least then, there's an opportunity to pause, search the memory banks and hopefully come up with the target word, or one that's close enough. I resort to using an online thesaurus occasionally.
Don't forget to allow leeway for the unseen ways in which your brain has coped with virus-stress-world upside down lifestyle changes for a prolonged period of time. These are ways that you are not "losing it" but rather "preserving" more vital function, like making decisions and keeping yourself afloat functionally. Sometimes we just can't have it all, but we can accept new "having."

I believe I am qualified to speak about procrastination. For the majority of my life, I've been invested in the idea of organization And up until 2014 or so, I fulfilled that goal. Caretaking intensity led me to abandon myself and as a result, procrastination crept in, first slowly, softly, then adamantly and without negotiation. I have a decade of business receipts and files which need a purge badly and it's ignored every day! A lesser example: I am now just finding the chops to work on a Birthday photo collage commemorating an event 3 years ago. My grandma halo slipped!

So, here's what I did/am doing. This refers to all those writers out there that give professional advice too. Little by little, bite off a chunk, digest and see how it sits with you. It may not sit well, in which case, take time to identify why not. In my case, the layout was "eh" and I finally got up the courage to change it. Then, I did a trial and let it sit for a couple weeks where I saw it every day. After that, I knew I "had" it and it is only a matter of doing the hard part now, cleaning off my construction space, getting out my tools and finishing it up.

In summary: the process goes like this: trial, simmer, identify, decision. Repeat.

I believe in the priority of healing, since without that, the wheels spin.

Huzzah! My business neighbour needs my goodwill. My immediate spontaneous internal reaction was to give him the help he needs because I'm actually generally quite a helpful person. But then I didn't :cheer: I got bargaining with him and because we had a witness who is not totally on my business neighbour's side in the form of a real electrician doing work for my neighbour (as opposed to one of his zillions of friends doing it on the sly), my neighbour toned his behaviour down, actually listened to me (instead of interrupting me and then running away, swearing under his breath).

So bargaining: What are you going to do for me in exchange?
There are a number of steps involved in my actions of goodwill. For the first completed this evening, I've already got him to remove a hindrance one of his handyman friends planted next to my bicycles in the shared storage room. Recently when I mentioned it he started screaming "Is this your room? It's your room. Then clean the whole room! Look at that mess on the floor." and then he stormed off. Today he claimed he's such a nice guy and he would do anything to help me. So I requested the removal of the hindrance (which can only be done from inside his business premises, pulling it back through the wall). It was done in 2 minutes. I was pleased that the electrician remarked to me that the work had been shoddily done and that the hindrance never ought to have been left hanging through the wall in the first place. It's a validation that I'm not a crazy person with totally over-the-top requests, the way my business neighbour and one other person in the building are currently claiming.

There will be further steps and further bargaining. One more step will be tomorrow evening and I've already requested that for that to take place my business neighbour has to clean the shared toilet seat.

It's like a weight being removed from my shoulders, at least for the moment. I don't have any reason to trust this business neighbour based on his actions over the past 2 years, but at least for now I don't feel completely and utterly powerless. This powerlessness, this trying this way and then that way and whatever I do I'm met with blank refusal is pretty triggering to me. Of course these current people aren't FOO but their behaviour is similar especially to B1.

I'm really glad I didn't follow my natural leaning and help right away! The way I have chosen is empowering! :cheer: It means I can take action instead of just reacting to people who manipulate and lie, and often unfortunately don't even know what they're talking about, i.e. never read the finer details of the rental agreement.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on July 06, 2021, 02:55:17 PM
I believe in the priority of healing, since without that, the wheels spin.

I like this! It is still a struggle for me to give active healing my priority but maybe this little gem of a sentence can help me.  ;)

I ought to have put 'procrastination' in inverted commas because when I don't get on with things, there's actually a reason behind it, often just that what I want to achieve is 'too much' for some reason and/or I'm 'shoulding' myself which is never good for me.

Difficulty in word-finding is just one of various signs that I'm still somewhat EF-y. There are actually concrete reasons from the emotional/psychological trauma and what I choose to call intellectual trauma from my childhood and later which help me lose my words. I don't just occasionally use thesauruses or dictionaries online, I use them all the time to jog my memory. That's partly why translation is such a struggle and why it is so good that I turned a job down today.

Thanks for the reminder of the stresses of virus-stress world-upside-down and the effect that's likely to be having, BeeKeeper. It is good for me to get those kinds of reminders since my ICr helps me forget that kind of thing ;)

Hooray for bargaining! :cheer: That sounds so empowering.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 06, 2021, 10:09:04 PM
Difficulty in word-finding is just one of various signs that I'm still somewhat EF-y.

It's exactly the same for me. I sometimes have to change what work I do at certain times because of it.

Thank you for responding Snowdrop. It helps me to know that you have trouble finding words sometimes and that you even have to change the work you're doing on account of it. It always helps me to know that somebody else with cptsd knows where I'm coming from and really gets it!

The bargaining is continuing. It's not as if I've never thought of bargaining before, in fact I have done so on a once-off occasion with this man before. But this time I have the leverage because he wants permission from me to share something from my business that is vital to his business.

My stipulation for the next step today was that he clean that disgusting toilet seat. He didn't. And even when I pointed out the parts of it that desperately needed cleaning (I'll spare everybody the details), he said "That's normal." which I've heard from him before. I contradicted as I have often done before: "No, that is not normal!" He wants something from me so he couldn't resort to his usual of running away swearing. I 'invited' his electrician to check out the toilet seat too and he knew that the state of it wasn't OK, I could see that in his facial expression. But I even asked him too: "Would your wife accept that?" No, he freely admitted, she wouldn't. And yes, he could understand that I've had complaints from students both children and adults. He said it's a little embarrassing to be asked, but I'm beyond caring about that. The one who ought to be embarrassed is my business neighbour. 

I stuck to my point - the toilet seat had to be cleaned before the electrician could start his work. All of a sudden the seat was as pristine as it could ever get - for the first time since December lockdown.

The next bargaining step is to arrange for my business neighbour to access this thing he needs from me permanently. This evening was just checking whether it's going to function at all. Since that is going to involve him paying me for the electricity he needs to run a specific machine, I want this in writing and he needs to write the contract. Of course I will check it is correct otherwise I won't sign it, but the work has got to be his. AND my other stipulation is that the rules on who cleans where in the business areas are written out formally as a contract. Because the electrician was standing there saying "Yes, of course that's quite normal", my business neighbour couldn't wriggle out of that one. He did try of course. It was quite amusing actually. All of a sudden he started speaking really badly, really incorrectly. Jumbling up his words, stuttering and stammering. Not a new 'trick' - probably lots of people who live in a foreign country do it from time to time . I've done it too, I admit. You don't want to do or explain something? You pretend not to understand. Simple. Since I know the trick, I didn't fall for it. I even pointed it out to him.  :witch:

Afterwards I felt rather jumbled up inside. I still don't know what's going to happen exactly. My business neighbour wants to contact LL after all and I'm worried I might have some fight on my hands with him. He can't legally but I still wouldn't put it past him to try and force me to allow the electrician to attach business neighbour's machine to my power outlet and meter. LL is a slippery fish and plays his tenants against each other. Probably a narc in fact. But I went into the garden with my little furry lawnmowers (first sun for days) and did some gardening in a rather scatter-brained way. It got better though which means I was managing to re-sort and then ground myself.

After not getting up early this morning, I did manage to do more bits and pieces and even a few pretty difficult things during the course of the day. I really think that's because of feeling empowered from yesterday instead of disempowered. I know people say that your feelings are your own, you can decide to feel them or not, nobody else makes you feel them etc. but maybe that doesn't count when you're triggered? For me it's very difficult not to feel disempowered with all the stuff that goes on in this building. How can you feel strong when people are chipping away at you? Kind of a rhetorical question.

I love how you are standing up for yourself here and also howbyoubarr calling bs when it needs to be called.

Thank you Armadillo :hug:

I spent most of today on this topic, first writing to LL with my version of various events and situations and then sending a few of the choice toilet photos I have as well as a few testimonials. That took several hours. That's just how it is for me. At least I finished it all, one by one and sent them. Actually no "at least" about it. It's really good that I managed that all in one day. In the past, correspondence to LL would take weeks, months or not even get done, and whether or not completed, I needed help from other people. This time not.  :thumbup: :applause: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

After completing and sending my emails, I phoned LL to make sure he had received them (since he doesn't respond or even acknowledge receipt) and I was lucky that his wife and secretary answered the phone because she doesn't seem to behave like a narc. She doesn't say "Yeah, yeah, yeah I'll deal" and then not do so. She doesn't say "If you're going to be difficult (asking for something that is my right to get as a tenant), then I'll be difficult too". All this "If you're going to be difficult..." stuff is very triggering because I got punished in FOO for making basic requests, like being treated fairly, being protected from B1 etc. I didn't just get punished, it would be held against me too. That seems to be what LL does. And then all the usual like the other person (business neighbour or B1) being believed over me because ??. Maybe because I tried to stand up for myself by requesting something that is my right as a tenant? But wife-and-secretary isn't that bad.

It also turns out that business neighbour is not allowed to add his machine to any power outlet because the necessary voltage is beyond the capability of the electrics in the building. I also happen to know that in this country a tenant can't just go and change that kind of thing without speaking to LL first, normally. Business neighbour is very charming when he needs to be, in order to get something, so I do have this big worry that he will charm LL and get what he wants. So far it has worked too. LL and wife-secretary had a talk with him after my letter of complaint from about 7 weeks ago (the one that was basically written by my T) and apparently he was very nice and friendly and promised he would clean and there would be no problems and certainly he didn't have any problem with me  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:  So secretary-wife said today: "So he hasn't been telling the truth." Correct, he has not. She even went further than me - I stipulated that he has to make sure his visitors don't leave a total mess in the toilet or 'forget' to flush it. She said that since he is registered as a one-person business, his friends do not belong in his shop every day and certainly not in the toilet. My students are allowed to use the toilet obviously because they come for 45/60/90 minutes. It's a different type of business. She said that of her own accord too. I didn't have to explain it.

At first she wasn't "sure" when she and LL could resolve the situation because LL will be away on a business trip next week (seem to be a fairly regular occurence with him though his business is very local) but then after talking further with me, she said she (and maybe LL too I didn't quite catch that) are coming for a talk with me and my business neighbour at a specific time next week and I'm not to let my neighbour know in advance. It's going to be a surprise for him ;D :thumbup:

Business neighbour knows he can't charm me. He still keeps trying, when it's really important to him. But he knows I see through it and that makes him mad. But it also makes me mad that so many people don't see through it and think I'm the devil incarnate. Some of the worst people on earth/in history were very charismatic.

As I was reading your post, individuals that treat me in the manner you are experiencing with the LL and the neighbor came to mind.  It is so challenging to not be believed and told we are making a big deal.  I hope that you have a resolution that works for you. 

Thanks for validating rainydiary and for your good wishes. It seems as if some sort of resolution is on the way. It may not be perfect, I may need to make some concessions too, but it does sound as if I have finally been heard and believed on the toilet issue. I'll see what happens on Tuesday. I will also be preparing for it mentally and emotionally.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 07, 2021, 09:38:09 PM
I went into the garden with my little furry lawnmowers

This phrase makes me smile every time I think of it. ;D

Fingers crossed for Tuesday. I'm glad you were heard and believed. :hug:

Blueberry, I'm so proud of you continuing to stand up to your neighbor very directly, strongly, and using wise methods.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 06, 2021, 09:47:52 PM
I'm really glad I didn't follow my natural leaning and help right away! The way I have chosen is empowering! :cheer: It means I can take action instead of just reacting to people who manipulate and lie, and often unfortunately don't even know what they're talking about, i.e. never read the finer details of the rental agreement.

:cheer:

Quote from: Blueberry on June 29, 2021, 08:32:15 AM
What if my friends IRL are right? I really am this bad? My T doesn't see me functioning IRL, nor does anybody here.

My friends IRL aren't right.

Yesterday I was writing a further email response to friend no. 2 saying, among other things, that now that I know the attitude problems of mine she objects to have nothing to do with anything towards her son, my godson, but with the way I act towards: 1) my FOO, 2) friends (other than her apparently), 3) neighbours and 4) even clients (+ possibly ex-employers or people at the farm - slightly difficult to tell from the word she's using) - excuse the run-on sentence - anyway now that I know that, my initial internal reaction was that it'd be easier to visit my godson again at their place than I had been envisaging. I had imagined the attitudes of mine she objects to would be directly to do with my own behaviour at their place and knowing a bunch of that would just make me very self-conscious. Having spent my childhood and adolescence and early 20's in a mostly self-conscious state due to FOO, that would be a very painful, sad state for me to get back into for a few day's visit.

But yesterday while I was up at the farm walking through the rows of potato plants looking out for potato beetles and their larvae and ending their little lives poor things, I felt more deeply into this issue. It's really a case of  :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: Head-shaking. Atm I'm still not quite feeling. I feel perplexed more than anything else, but I know my T would remind me that perplexed is not a feeling per se, but more something from my mind. I imagine some part of me is protecting me so far from feeling the emotions behind all this. They are likely pain and anger. I think I feel betrayed as well but that is as yet more a thought than a feeling.

Betrayal is partly because this is a friend who has asked me a lot about my past and sometimes probed further than I now would talk about, into details, and I'd explain. And she's now questioning my treatment of FOO??!? What about their treatment of me??

*** TW CSA ***


I think I mentioned further back that she'd asked details on the CSA done to me and then decided at some point that that couldn't actually be CSA because one part of the CSA done to me is something small children do to each other too. Actually, they don't quite do what was done to me and rn it's occurred to me that one reason why what was done to me is SA is the very fact that it was done by somebody with power over me. Abuse of power. I think if it had been done by another child playing doctors or if 2 little kids had been doing it together it probably wouldn't have had all the repercussions it has had. Not that I'm saying that two 4 yr-olds playing doctors is necessarily harmless, it will depend on the situation. Like whether an adult abuser made them do it or are they both genuinely just playing in an unsupervised moment. I think also that the sexualisation that was palpable to me as a child, that even came through looks, wouldn't occur between 2 children if what they were doing was genuinely harmless and neither of them had been sexually abused before that. Enough of further realisations on CSA.

*** End TW ***

I feel stunned that somebody who thinks she's a friend can have so much against me - objections to the way I treat 4 different groups of people though apparently not really her own FOC, and especially not her youngest son, my godson. I presumed that she was worried about when I was going start treating my godson in the ways I apparently treat other people but she's negated that. "No! It was never about him!" Very weird. Why make all these objections and complaints when it's to do with other people that she's not related to or even friends with?? I'm guessing there must be some codepency or even projection going on with her? Not that it will help to say so.

I have a psych doc appointment in 2 days. He condemned the behaviour of friend no. 1 towards me but doesn't yet know about friend no. 2. I imagine he's likely to say similar things. My T has been on holiday and my next appointment with him is next Thursday. I'm obviously getting stronger :thumbup: and less prone to feeling all-over-the-place because I don't have any thoughts like "How on earth am I going to manage to survive as far as my next appointments?" I'm doing OK. I slept well and long last night apart from lying awake between 2 and 3 AM but then I did a little EFT, yawned a lot, and fell asleep again. I also had a couple hours this afternoon :zzz:

I am so glad to see your progress here, Blueberry. 🙂

No one gets to dictate The truth of your life But you! Of all people, your so-called friend 2 certainly does not.

I am especially happy to see you declare this confidently with bolded text.

The changes not only in your Time in bed, but your attitude towards it are clear signs of your continued improvement.  Well done!

Quote from: Blueberry on July 08, 2021, 10:05:16 PM
It seems as if some sort of resolution is on the way. It may not be perfect, I may need to make some concessions too, but it does sound as if I have finally been heard and believed on the toilet issue. I'll see what happens on Tuesday.

Very much 'not perfect'. LL's secretary-wife didn't turn up at the appointed time, which is now almost two hours ago. Eventually I phoned their office but the phone just rang for a while and then jumped onto fax. So much for finally being heard and believed. It does feel like a let-down. I invested time and effort this morning too and I can't work efficiently when I'm expecting a meeting/discussion of this type in the next minutes / quarter of an hour / half an hour...
I'm also not totally surprised so it's not a huge let-down.

LL and his office back to no show and then probably excuses if I inquire.
Ho hum. What's the next step? Galvanise energy for that...

 :zzz: :zzz: from 2 till 8pm then managed to get to choir practice 45 minutes late. But at least I went at all.

Sleeping like a log for so long with strange dreams weaving in and out - I must have been processing some things. Stuff with friend no. 2, the let-down from LL / his wife-secretary, the memory I can tie that to from my childhood, then last week there was what I feel to be a power problem/put-down of me in a bike advocacy group. There was a similar problem about 2 years ago that I spoke up about but I see the problem has not gone away... All a bit much atm. Hence :zzz:

I hope the sleep is helpful - it sounds like you are sorting out a lot.  Thinking of you. 

Thank you rainy diary :hug: Last night was similar - deep sleep despite 6 hour 'nap' in the afternoon.

I think of san commenting in another Journal of mine that sleep is very important to recovery. I'm allowing myself sleep.

Yesterday I read way back in some old Journals of mine, like from 1.5 to 2 years ago. I see so much recovery since then. So much more stability. So poo on 'friends' who can't see that.

I also see same pattern of behaviour from LL that his wife-secretary is now doing.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 14, 2021, 06:53:51 AM
I'm allowing myself sleep.

Yesterday I read way back in some old Journals of mine, like from 1.5 to 2 years ago. I see so much recovery since then. So much more stability. So poo on 'friends' who can't see that.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Dear Blueberry,  This is great, and I am glad you see your progress.  I see it too - I hope it's ok to say that, as I feel like I've been alongside you in these past few years on the forum.  I've noticed recovery in you, and progress too. 

I'm so glad you have more stability, and I think 'poo on your 'friends' who can't see that' 

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope :hug:

Yes, of course it's great that you tell me you see progress. I feel that way too, that we've been alongside each other on the forum. I know we both started writing here around the same time :)  and often read and commented in each other's Journals or on other threads. I read a little less in general now, but still enough to realise you're making progress with your recovery too :cheer: :)

___________________________

I'm still so tired, it's incredible. I suppose it could be partially the weather. It's been a bit muggy today, otoh it was colder yesterday. Actually a few hours ago I was feeling cold so it probably is somelow-level EF reaction. Not surprising considering everything going on in the last while.

I phoned LL's wife-secretary today, I had to try multiple times but eventually got through. She 'forgot' the appointment on Tuesday. It took her a while to make a half-hearted apology, in which she said 'nothing personal' or something to that effect. Yeah right. I'm actually not being paranoid - that is the way she treats me. She doesn't let me know things, she doesn't acknowledge receipt of an email even though I ask for it and it's hardly an arduous activity. However, I suppose that's part of her tactics with me and/or others and I'll have to put up with it. Maybe phone them more often and 'bug' them to get them moving. Though I'm nervous about doing that too. But less nervous than I used to be.

During the time I couldn't get hold of LL's wife-secretary, I contacted the Tenants' Rights Association and have a phone appointment with them next week, which is fast! Usually you have to wait a number of weeks. So lucky in that. And although I then was able to finally make contact with LL's wife-secretary, I'll be keeping the TRA appointment because I don't trust LL or his wife-secretary to go through with what they've promised. So it's best to describe the scenario and find out what I can do when in what order, like threatening to reduce my rent again but also most importantly getting the TRA lawyers to put pressure on LL.

I'm looking into actually going away on holiday for 5-7 days in August. I don't know when I was last on holiday that wasn't visiting friends, visiting FOO or on either a working holiday or healing retreat. What I'm mostly thinking about though is how years and years ago I'd often be with FOO at their place and in the last 10 years I'd be making time to visit my godson and planning round that. I realise now how I need to give myself time to go on holiday where I'm doing things I want to do at my pace and I'm not having to look after anybody else or take heed of other people's wants and needs. I know that sounds kind of selfish, but it's the truth. I need this.

I'm planning a cycling holiday. I do have money stashed away to help me pay for accommodation. Theoretically I could stay at a backpacker's hostel or similar, but just in order to save money? That's just not my thing anymore. I need peace and quiet and my own space, and certainly a few days where everything's provided and I can just be. So paying is worth it for pure holiday. Cycle, look at and wander around special gardens open to the public, go wading or maybe even swimming in a lake.

That sounds disrespectful of LL's wife-secretary, and you are worthy of respect.

QuoteI realise now how I need to give myself time to go on holiday where I'm doing things I want to do at my pace and I'm not having to look after anybody else or take heed of other people's wants and needs. I know that sounds kind of selfish, but it's the truth.

It doesn't sound selfish at all, Blueberry. It sounds perfectly reasonable, and I hope you have a lovely time. :hug:

This is all so great Blueberry! I'm especially happy that you are learning to recognize how people treat you and how you are feeling.

I know what you mean about feeling selfish, it's looking after yourself, maybe it is a bit selfish. Looking at yourself isn't bad though no matter which word you use. Good job looking after yourself!

I hope you don't have to put up with landlord much longer, they are incredibly disrespectful and it hurts just reading how they treat you.

I hope your holiday is exactly what you need.  :hug:

<3 Niko

Quote from: Snowdrop on July 15, 2021, 08:35:53 PM
That sounds disrespectful of LL's wife-secretary, and you are worthy of respect.

QuoteI realise now how I need to give myself time to go on holiday where I'm doing things I want to do at my pace and I'm not having to look after anybody else or take heed of other people's wants and needs. I know that sounds kind of selfish, but it's the truth.

It doesn't sound selfish at all, Blueberry. It sounds perfectly reasonable, and I hope you have a lovely time. :hug:

Thank you so much for all of this, Snowdrop :hug: :)
For reminding me I'm worthy of respect. For telling me my holiday plans don't sound selfish, but perfectly reasonable.

I was thinking that if you have children then you have to look after them and take heed of their wants and needs. But just because I have a godson whose mother has gone a little weird with respect to me and my needs doesn't mean I have to feel bad about taking a holiday which most parents with children under 18 yrs would be incapable of taking. I don't have children. I need a holiday the way I've described. End of story.

I can't go on holiday before August.

I am glad that you are finding an opportunity to take a holiday. 

I hope so, rainydiary. atm planning it seems to be too much.
Yesterday was a lovely sunny day and it was quiet in the garden which is not always the case. Nonetheless I lay in bed all day. I could have at least spent part of the day in the garden with my little furry lawnmowers, or even without them if that was going to be too much for me. But apparently even going into the garden was too much. I lay in bed all day dozing and reading. I then didn't get up today to do various things before teaching.

I feel sad but I don't know why.

Just sending you some big hugs on this day that feels sad.  :grouphug:

A hug of comfort from me as well. :hug:

Thank you Armee :hug: :hug:

I had to follow my own rule-of-thumb today and that was: go back to bed and stay there till I was able to get up again.

The sadness: some sort of EF and/or connected to cleaning the business toilet (was genuinely my turn). Really I should have done it on the weekend but I didn't manage till this evening (Monday). I only managed because I went into some semi-dissociated state where I still am. As usual I don't want to feel into it.

I had a few things planned for the last days of the Get On Your Bike Weeks, which end Wednesday at midnight. Maybe I'll go up to the farm tomorrow to do the work I ought to have done on Sunday. otoh it's possible LL and/or secretary-wife will come. But I don't want to hang around extra specially in case they come and then they don't, the way she didn't despite setting a time and date last time.

I think I'm also beginning to feel sad re the latest friend who decided to de-bunk (mother of my godson, not a new one). It's undoubtedly good that feelings are beginning to come a little, but that doesn't mean I necessarily enjoy them coming.

I feel in desperate need of a holiday but school doesn't finish till a week on Wednesday, and there are quite a number of things I need to do by then. In addition, I can't go on holiday unless I actually plan and book it.

Thank you Snowdrop!

At least I went into the garden this evening, after cleaning the t. Also this morning, actually, to pick grass etc for the little furry lawnmowers. Daytime atm is far too hot for them outside.

One evening primrose has started to bloom and my common teasel as well. The teasel sowed itself last year and I waited till this year to see what it would turn into. It's huge but apparently its flowers very good for insects and the seeds good for a particular bird in autumn. So I've left it in.

More of my blackcurrants are ripe as well as some of my redcurrants, mini strawberries continue to ripen and the raspberries are starting. I mostly go into the garden and munch away :)   I feel better already from writing about the pleasant aspects of my garden.

I'm so excited for you to take that holiday. Get planning! It'll feel amazing and you DESERVE to take a break.

I'm sorry I need to catch up on some reading to find out what happened with your god son's mom but I just ave felt so much selfishness coming from her in what I've read in the past. I hope there's a way to continue a relationship with your GS and not put yourself in any harm's way with your friend.

Your garden sounds amazing and I'm happy you got some time out there today.  :grouphug:

Thank you Armee. I guess I'll get planning when the obstacle in the way either becomes clear to me or moves of its own accord.
I don't know if anything new has happened with my 'friend'. More of the same. Me realising what you and others were saying on here - that her behaviour isn't that great towards me. Thanks for caring, Armee :hug:

_____________________________
Today I managed to get up and stay up :cheer: after a good while. Also managed shower and especially hair wash :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  Also emailed copy of correspondence between me and LL to Tenants' Rights Association. Even though that's to my benefit, I didn't do it till the TRA phoned to remind me. I just felt - Idk - too downtrodden to do it.

Also went into garden for a little bit, did some of my own grazing (little raspberries, green onions) and picked stuff for my FurBabies. I have a free Zoom seminar in a couple of hours on children's literature translation. I signed up just yesterday. I could be preparing for it, but I'm not. Everything feels way too much.

you know, blueberry, from my experience, when everything feels too much, it's because it usually is.  all those things you wrote about accomplishing, well, it's quite a list!  my D and i congratulate each other when we manage a shower nowadays, so here's a congratulation to you as well!   :thumbup:  they all count, and ii hope you felt a sense of satisfaction afterwards.  plus, being in the garden - very cool!!! 

i think you're getting progressively more in tune with your body and mind, what they need, what they can deal with, what they can't.  it's all progress, in my eyes.  keep going, blueberry.  i know it can be frustrating at times, but you're doing what you need to do, and i'm really glad for that.  sending love and a warm embrace for all you do and continue to do on your road to becoming a truer you. :bighug:

Yeah, what San Magic said! 

It's a lot. You've stood up for yourself a lot too lately. I can see why washing the toilet even on your turn would take it out of you too and require some hefty dissociation to get through, especially after the LL's wife never came through. So it is really great that you got up, got your shower in, got out in the garden, and email the TRA.  :grouphug:

And I'm sorry I didn't mean to put pressure on you to plan your vacation. I do hope that block lifts in time, because you deserve something just for you.

Extra hug for today.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 20, 2021, 01:55:27 PM
you know, blueberry, from my experience, when everything feels too much, it's because it usually is. 

Thank you san, you're right on this one.

Thank you Armee too for commenting. It helps me see how much I've been battling away. No wonder some stuff is simply not getting done. I've booked the cargo bike for tomorrow morning, after wondering whether since Sunday. The stuff I want to cart away has been blocking space in my little storage area for over a year.

:grouphug: :grouphug: for both of you.

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that the cargo bike works well. 
Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Thank you Hope, it did work out with the cargo bike. I had to go quite a distance but it was a lovely day :sunny:  and I was partially cycling through areas that I haven't been through before. There were lots of flowers blooming beside the roads  :)

Today I've finally got started on trying to organise some holiday. It looks as if I have a place to stay for 3-4 nights in August. This evening I suddenly realised that I could take off for 2-3 days next week, so I'm trying to find somewhere to stay. If the worst comes to the worst, I could do a couple of day trips from home. But I think and especially feel that it would be better to be away completely for a few days. I'll see. But at least I'm on to it :thumbup:

I had therapy today too where my T repeated how important it is that I state to others what bothers me. Even if the person doesn't do anything about it, it's very important for me that I state it. When I do that, it's self-care, it's taking myself seriously, even if the person I'm saying it to doesn't want to hear it or doesn't agree with it. So, no, I should not be 'shutting up' and putting up with things the way some of my erstwhile friends seem to think. My T acknowledged that there may come a time in a year or two (yes, a year or two) when I've done enough speaking up to decide sometimes that I don't need to speak up. But for the moment I should be speaking up instead of putting up with things. It's an I.Ch. and/or I.Teen who is frightened to speak up or who ducks down and says "I'm not important, just go along with everybody else."  :no: :no: for me moving further along the road to recovery involves speaking out about what bothers me, irrespective of how the recipients may feel about it.

Thank your for cheering me on, Armee :) :hug:

Hi Blueberry,

Quotefor me moving further along the road to recovery involves speaking out about what bothers me, irrespective of how the recipients may feel about it.

:applause:

This will be strange, tough and sometimes frightening, but the value is solid and empowering. Practice will make perfect, and along the way, you may begin to LIKE it.  :hug:

I like what your therapist is advising.  :applause:

It is hard to do, and so important.

I can't wait to wish you a happy vacation.  :cheer:

More on the vacation a little later...

rn I've had a struggle with my computer and an account I do have but couldn't get into, couldn't change the password etc. Of course I know I must have been doing something wrong but I couldn't find out what it was. The organisation behind the account isn't out to make my life difficult, but it felt pretty difficult and stressful.

Have to hope I can figure it out before Monday - next lesson for this particular student, or find a different way of video teaching. I wish I weren't so scared. I think being scared makes me forget what's going on. I know somebody else posted a while ago about computer stuff. Maybe it was the frazzle of captchas?

Doing the usual before I go away on holiday: nothing. Lying sleeping, dozing, reading. Though I had intended to clean and tidy today.
So when I actually go on Monday it'll be a mad scramble or a spaced-out thing where I wonder why I'm even going. Oh I get it, I'm wondering that already. That's an age-old debate in me. There are parts - probably even the majority - who'd prefer to remain huddled in bed. But there are parts in me who'd like to go away e.g. the 6yo who likes to be out in nature. I was looking forward to my holiday from an Adult point-of-view too.

Yesterday I bumped into 'friend' no.1 and she asked if we couldn't just sit and talk about the situation in the next couple of weeks, so I said yes to that. I realised a couple of hours ago that that whole situation is making me feel uneasy if not downright triggered and that it would be beneficial to slip 'friend' no. 1 into my bank vault today and leave her there until I'm back from my holiday. But I haven't. There is an Accountability thread... That would be being accountable to myself. So would showering and washing my hair.

I'm taking my bike on holiday with me, using it in fact for part of the journey. I can't pack much, which is good.

ETA: I realised just recently that showering is no longer so strenuous. I can do it quickly now. Probably beneficial to remind myself of this and then just ACT - have my shower. It no longer takes so much out of me.

Yesterday and earlier in the week I was watching webinars on different aspects of literary translation. They inspired me but then I suppose ICr. took over with: you'll never manage which is making me feel depressed again. Even though I have been reminding myself to take small steps. One step was watching these webinars. I don't have to act much on them for the moment.

blueberry, i think you're doing great.  you're making progress, working on continuing self-care in different forms, and giving yourself some time away.  fabulous!!! 

my D had a similar discussion with me last week about speaking up to her friends, especially how hurt and disappointed she was that they didn't show any support for her when she asked for it.  she gave the same reasoning as you, made the decision that she matters, her feelings matter, and her friends may not like to hear it, but tough cookies.  it's so great to me to see both of you not only making this realization, but carrying thru with it.  kudos to you, blueberry!   :applause:

i think it's very courageous to go against all you've been taught and believed about yourself, and your 'self', and break those chains that have been holding you back from being authentic.  sending love and a hug full of 'keep going!'  :hug:

Thank you san :hug:

I'm going away today just for a few days. So far I can't really be bothered to get myself organised to go, which includes setting my pets up to leave. A friend will drop by on them a couple of times, but I do have to get them all set up for that.

This is quite typical. I'd prefer just to go back to bed and lie there for days, reading and dozing.

Hi Blueberry,
I would like to wish you a relaxing and enjoyable holiday.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Have a lovely time! :hug:

 :hug:

I'm proud of you for taking s holidays even though part of you would rather curl up in bed. I hope the change of scenery ends up being calming or fun. And hey, if not, common home where your bed will be waiting for you!

Thank you Hope, Snowdrop and Armee :hug: :hug: :hug:

It wasn't easy the whole time but in general I had a good holiday, especially yesterday, the last day.  :sunny: :sunny: :sharkbait: :sharkbait: without the shark - twice in one day.

I overcame various inhibitions and worries and so on. One thing I'm always a little worried about when swimming on my own is: what to do with my valuables?? I don't even have a car to leave them in - though doing that isn't recommended either - and on the shore while you're in the water - risky. Two supervised lake-shore places I was at had lockers :thumbup: and not many people were using them. The other place I swam was such a tiny little bay with almost nobody there that I wasn't worried, just kept an eye on all my stuff from the water. But I had a good feeling so that I really enjoyed my swim too.

The other worry about swimming is where to change?? I grew up in 2 countries that are both more prudish than the one I presently live in. Here people just sort of change wherever and 'normal' people view it as a non-sexual activity. There are undoubtedly people who look in a bad way, in an abusive way, but generally it's acceptable for men and women to change out in the open. One of the supervised lake-shore places had a few changing cubicles :cheer: There was no big queue because most people don't use them. And otherwise - I just got changed like everybody else. I do find it easier that I'm alone, not in a group of people I know, especially not a group interspersed with men. I felt OK though, no vague dissociation, no EFs of any sort.

I'm proud I got round both those hurdles in different spots because swimming outdoors in nature did me a lot of good :cheer:  Certainly the most relaxing part of my holiday. Also invigorating. In the very little bay where I was swimming, there were two older ladies when I arrived, both in the water. Sometimes they were out, sometimes they were in. They were no longer slim and all that but it didn't seem to me that that bothered them. That really pleased me. Good for them! I hope to feel better about my body too. They helped me feel not ashamed that day, my final day. Obviously that alone wouldn't have worked because shame sits so deep but it was just an extra little nudge in the direction of: what can I feel other than shame e.g. what can I feel physically - the water lapping against my body, the water carrying my body, a gentle breeze on my face, the sun on my hair and again the water all around, and my limbs moving in the water. And what emotions do I feel (instead of shame)? Joy, pleasure :)

I didn't take my paper Journal with me, but I wrote quite a bit in it when I got back last night. Touched on many little topics which I won't write here. Just noting though that 3 days can seem long in a good way and it was certainly enough to help me back on track and to help me feel inspired towards a few activities.

I'm glad to hear you had a good holiday, and that you overcame some inhibitions while you were at it!

Haha, I totally recognise your worries. Going out swimming always seems like such a hassle to me, for those very reasons. Even though the idea of swimming in nature also seems so free and inviting. I was very pleasently surprised when I was on holiday in New Zealand and I found that many beaches/lakes etc did have public facilities like lockers and changing rooms, not to mention public bathrooms on practically every corner. It feels so much more free when you don't need to worry about that practical stuff.

I'm glad that break, however short, helped you to recharge!

I'm so glad you got out and enjoyed your swim!! Trest yourself kind and gentle as you ease back into normal life!

I like what you said about the older ladies not appearing to feel bothered about appearances. I had an important realization reading that.

I live in a town with some serious barbie doll vibes. Lots of eating disorders and obsessive exercising. I feel very bad about myself here...but not enough to do something about it lol. But I go to nearby towns with more normal people and at the beach I love seeing everyone doing their thing and think the imperfect bodies are beautiful and love seeing people flaunting them. It makes me feel braver. So what I realized that's new reading what you wrote is that by being less inhibited myself I can help other people, too. The way those ladies helped you.

On Sunday I planned to head up to the farm, and I did eventually but very much later than planned. I feel like 51 going on 75 again. My shoes aren't doing me much good atm, I really need new ones. When my shoes are out of whack and my feet hurt, then I tend to get other problems e.g. sore back and head-ache, tired legs and knees. Or it could be a combination of that and armouring. Atm I notice my lower back and hips are quite stiff.

While still on my holiday I thought it would be a good idea to do even 5 minutes a day of yoga when I got back home. But now I notice the time-frame is difficult. Of course 5 minutes sound totally manageable as in "it must be possible" but 'must' is like 'should' in this sort of case, which is never good for me. So instead I'm trying to notice during the course of the day when simply stretching would be helpful, even if it's just stretching an arm up towards the ceiling, and doing that. So not even - I will stretch both arms and legs, but just: one arm.

While I was away on holiday, I felt pretty stiff too as well as old and slow, until I remembered being told a few years ago that I've obviously found my pace! Other people go on retreats etc etc to find their own pace whereas I already know it! That was the good news. The sad news is that my pace is really pretty slow. But when I remembered last week about already having found my pace, that helped me accept better how slow I felt.

There are 3-4 things going on that could be aiding me in feeling slow and exhausted: 1) email from M (not a breach because I'm VLC but still difficult) 2) 'friend' no. 1 asked if we couldn't sit down and talk about our differences of opinion to which I agreed but I don't know if it's going to be so easy 3) continuing hassle with and being badly treated by LL and business neighbour and
4) I have been patching things up with 'friend' no. 2 but she then came out with a request that makes me feel angry - could she stay with me for 4-5 nights in about a month?  :no: :no: At first I just had sarcastic answers in my head but then I felt deeper into them and anger and annoyance is what comes. All that criticism of me and my attitudes and now when she could do with a place to stay in my town for 4-5 nights in a few weeks, then apparently my attitudes are no longer such a problem?? btw my godson will be staying with me part of that time!! I can't possibly host 2 people at the same time. Even 1 is a bit marginal at least for more than a day or a night but I wanted to do this for my godson. But beyond my godson coming, I feel that this turnaround has come too fast. She dumped a bunch of bad feelings on me which was quite triggering cue EF and exhaustion and me spending a while sorting things out in my thoughts and feelings and now it's as if nothing was ever said??  :no: :no:

Blueberry, I appreciate all you are balancing and managing.  I think it is very cool you are finding ways to move your body that feel right to you.  I hope ease continues to be present for you.   :hug:

You're allowed to just say "no, I cannot." No explanation. I'm proud of you for feeling deep and finding the anger that is saying someone is treating you bad.

I like that...."I found my pace"

I'm going to borrow that. (And I always say I'm "25, 30, 35, 40 etc going on 80" and every birthday I'm closer to my true age.

Dear Blueberry,
Welcome back from your holiday, and I'm glad it went ok.  I related to what you said about pace.  I also found it interesting what you said about doing some yoga.  I've been contemplating trying an app which apparently gives so many repetitions of basic yoga moves, but I've found I'm too anxious/reluctant to download the app to try it. 

Whatever you decide to do regarding your friend who wants to stay - I hope you feel ok with your decision.  When you commented about not being able to host two sets of people (i.e. your godson and your friend) I thought - that sounds reasonable, it does sound too difficult to try to host both, so your friend should also feel that's reasonable if you gave that as your boundary.  Whatever you do, you don't need to explain your decision - as Armee said.

:hug: to you Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Thank you for all your support rainydiary, Armee and Hope! :) :hug: I have come on before to read your support.

I have turned friend no.2 down. I did explain why, though thank you for saying I didn't need to. My friend / 'friend' had been complaining I had been pushing them away over the past few years or at least that's what it felt like to them so I thought it was a good idea to give a reason. Not being able to host 2 at once and then when she suggested coming a different week I pointed out she has other friends here in this town she could try and that I still need time for the friendship to repair and find where it's going. She finally understood. 

What I didn't say - but felt and my doctor grasped right away too - is that having my godson's mother staying here at the same time as him would alter his stay with me, in a non-good way. I would feel stressed and constrained. I also know that his mother would want to talk about her daytime experiences and I wouldn't have the energy for that.

It IS getting easier for me to stand up for myself in this way. The Tenants' Rights Association has sent a letter to LL criticising his treatment of me, e.g. making an appointment and not coming, not replying to my emails or phone calls and also demanding that LL proves various things to them and writes others by next week, otherwise I'll be deducting money from my rent again, and also that ANY time my business neighbour makes a mess in the toilet again, I'll immediately deduct money from the next rent. This means that LL has got to get business neighbour in check.

Today I taught a 60 minute lesson, though a fairly easy one, had an appointment with my tax accountant to collect 2019's finished stuff and hand in all my papers for 2020. I didn't manage the latter though. I was meant to email the rest during the course of the day but after disposing of a dead rat from the garden straight into bin bag and giving the bag to the garbage collector before he drove off, I went back to bed. I should have disposed of the rat the first time I saw it a couple of days ago, but I didn't. Yuk. Even though I picked it up with a thick wad of newspaper so in no way touched it and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards anyway, I had to disappear to my bed.

This evening I wrote an email to friend no. 1 who is suggesting we talk because writing is so difficult for her. Well maybe we'll talk but not till after my upcoming holiday next week. However I did impart a few home truths in my email for her to think about. I didn't say this in so many words, but if she thinks we can go back to the way things were where she thought she knew more than me about where my recovery is going and how I handle my family, she can have another long think. And we won't be mending the friendship.

I know I am moving forwards but it's pretty exhausting.

 Blueberry, I appreciate these updates.  I also can relate to the idea that moving forward is exhausting.  I am grateful to see your examples of things you are doing to take steps forward and taking rest when needed.  It helps me see how I can make a way forward too.   :hug:

Glad to see the movement is forward, Blueberry, even if it's exhausting. It does sound like a lot is getting done.  Glad the LL is seeing it your way.   :hug:

Thank you everybody for commenting, validating and being supportive  :grouphug:

I guess rather a lot is going on. Today was a lovely :sunny: :sunny: day but I stayed in bed most of the day though there are 1001 things to do. This coming Tuesday I'm going away on holiday again till the Saturday. So I wondered: Do I somehow need to zone out and not do preparation before I go on holiday? Or is there some other reason?

Yup, some other reason. Gag and choke - there's still a little remains of dead rat that needs to be removed from grass. It's also my turn to clean the business toilet which totally exhausts me, even though it's really clean - business neighbour is so far sticking to the bargain of keeping the seat free of gross stuff. And I ought to be sending remaining documents to tax accountant - the ones that are on my computer rather than on paper. She asked on Thursday when I'd be sending them. "Friday" I said. It's Sunday, 10pm now. Well, that would be an easier thing to start with tonight than any of the cleaning jobs that I'll have to do around 7-8am tomorrow.

By choice I'll have no Internet access on holiday so I won't be on here.

I hope your holiday offers what you need.   :hug:

Sending you fortitude and hugs to get through those unpleasant and possibly triggering tasks, BB. I'm so happy you'll be on holiday again.  :cheer:

:bighug:

 :hug:

Thank you everybody :) :hug:
I'm back after  :sunny: :sunny: holiday with lots of  :sharkbait: :sharkbait: minus the shark.

It took me till yesterday to finally feel totally joyful and at peace with the world. But before that I did feel happy and invigorated and had a lot of fun.

Checked my emails when I got home and mistakenly read one from conflict-friend no.1. It would have been better to wait a little bit. Anyway that friendship has gone belly up. She wrote among other things that the problem seems to be we have a different definition of friendship. She needs to be able to say what she wants and thinks and not change herself for somebody else even if that hurts that person. She also forgives people e.g. her ex-husband who did PA on her. But if she bumps into him in town, she says 'hello'. Obviously different from me and the way I deal with people who go out of their way to hurt me. I don't actually mean her, I mean actual abusers from past who continue to do so.

She will continue to regard me as a friend and leave the door open in case ... She finds it a pity that the friendship is over.

I don't know if I'm reading something into this that isn't actually there. I mean maybe I'm projecting. In fact probably. But anyway - it feels to me as if we have 2 different visions of friendship and hers is the correct one and mine is wrong. I'm welcome back if I change my mind.

Anyway, I'll leave the topic for a while.
(edited to delete double sentence)

I'm calmer than I was yesterday. Also, my ICr has stopped the self-criticism. Stopped with the "I probably really am such a bad person". No, I'm not a bad person. I have a different opinion from two friends obviously about what friendship is and also about their treatment of me.

I see holes in conflict-friend no. 1's arguments but there's no point in telling her that. She says she accepts people for who they are and doesn't try to change them. Apparently blind to the fact that she tries to point me a particular direction in my recovery! Again, no point in saying that, but just know for myself that her treatment of me is not always appropriate. In fact there have been occasions when she was obviously uncomfortable about the way I was talking to someone else and she took it personally in some way, as if she was responsible for my behaviour. But she's not.

There's also the problem that she seems to think she knows more than I do, whether or not she does. So she's looking down on me in a way. Not a friendship of equals. I know there is the theory that one is responsible for one's own actions and I suppose it's true, but I still have a hard time dealing with friends when they blame me for not telling them there was something I objected to at the time of them saying it but somehow not realising that whenever I do object, they counter that rather than accepting. In fact that's how FOO reacts so no wonder it's been a bit difficult the last while.

In fact something this friend wrote reminded me of what B1 said about SIL2 at Horrendous FOO Event no. 2 which was that SIL2 shoots from the hip and is not going to change. The implication was that I had to put up with SIL2's behaviour towards me. This friend says she wears her heart on her sleeve. Actually the local idiom is 'she carries her heart on her tongue' which is more appropriate. It means she speaks her feelings. She's not going to change, she has said so. What she doesn't seem to realise is that she doesn't always give voice to just feelings, she says things that are definitely coming from her head, cognitive stuff.

I think I've been too open with RL people in the past, I need to close up more, become more clam-like because in the end all these people may be well-meaning but they have their own agendas and personality flaws too. There's more to come on the end of this friendship, I mean I'm still ruminating on it from time to time.

There are other things to write though:

LL didn't get back to me on an email I wrote to him Tuesday morning before going on holiday. It seems leaving me in the dark is his modus operandi with me. Before I wrote said email I managed to speak to the Tenants' Rights Association about LL informing me via the other business that the electrician was coming to install a different electric meter so that business neighbour can have the additional electricity he needs (a higher voltage which is only possible via my meter) which will count the amount business neighbour uses but I'll still have to work out the difference between his and mine and hope he pays. I have no reason to trust business neighbour, the way he has treated me up till now. This is all being done behind my back, and it was meant to be fait accompli and then LL was supposedly going to phone me and explain it all. All this relayed via business neighbour and the electrician. Except the day LL was supposedly going to phone me was the day after I left on holiday. So I kicked up a real fuss with business neighbour and the electrician and the meter has not been installed. But I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I said the earliest they could contact me would be 11AM on Monday. No idea if they will stick to that.

Also I'm not looking forward to the possibility of LL, business neighbour and the electrician (who is supposedly business neighbour's BIL) all coming together and ganging up on me. Has happened before between LL and a painter.  To state the obvious, it would be a good idea to do a bunch of grounding and protective imagination exercises tomorrow before I run into any of that bunch. My impulse is to curl up at the thought of the whole thing and my impulse tomorrow is likely to be to stay in bed.

Blueberry, I feel in my heart all you wrote as it mirrors my experiences with friends and situations and dynamics.  I am here with you trying to figure this all out (often curled up in a fetal position on my bed).   :hug:

Thank you so much for reading and responding, rainydiary. It means a lot, especially that you really get it too.  :hug:

I was going to post on Three Good Things Today, even though most stuff is from my holiday, but it's getting long so moving it here instead.

1) I managed to get out of the house and go away on holiday for a second time
2) There were no train strikes on my routes to and from holiday despite the warnings that there might be
3) It was really pretty hot, but I can manage heat much better than I used to, so I enjoyed it. Glad it didn't rain in fact.
4) I swam every day, sometimes even twice a day, on every day except the day I left home. Or mostly I just enjoyed moving around in the deep water.
5) Through moving in the water and through cycling, I got in better touch with my body and felt better about it in some ways too. Especially when moving in the water I follow my body's impulses - a dance under water with mostly just my head above water, sometimes a foot too. By the final two swims I was doing elementary back stroke because I had an impulse to do so. Before that, just breast stroke and side stroke. I like elementary back stroke - a powerful movement of arms and legs at the same time, then a rest, then powerful movement again.
6) I could imagine going to the same area on holiday another time and even feel I'd like to. That means I've moved back out of the depression that says "Why bother? What's the point? Can just go back to bed and/or eat".
7) Today I decided to go to the church service after all and sing with the choir. I have a hymn in my head rn. That does me good.
8 ) I also joined in the final day of an insect count, just because I realised I wanted to. So I 'bothered myself' to do it instead of... well, I just realised that action shows I decided to step away from the depression again, as does going to sing in the choir.

Those are three really big, amazing things BB. I'm so happy the depression is lifting to give you some energy and motivation for holidays, hymns, and bug counts. I can't wait to see it continue and to hear what else you do!

Thank you Armee :) :)

I didn't manage to write it yesterday but I had a miniscule shift in relation to my eating disorder while I was on holiday and then a shift with my SH yesterday.

The SH is easier to write about. There are myriad reasons behind the SH, as in I grew up using it in all sorts of situations to not feel any or all emotions but also to bring myself back from dissociation. Most unfortunately I don't even need any 'tools', just my fingers. Sometimes I start running my fingers through my hair to soothe myself but at some point I start pulling it out. So yesterday after running my fingers through my hair, I had the impulse to drape my long hair over the back of my head and stroke my hair from the nape of my neck upwards. It was soothing and calming. This morning while still lying in bed I went straight to draping my hair over the back of my head and stroking from the nape of my neck upwards.

It's easier when lying down, as I was on both occasions. I've just now tried it sitting up and it doesn't feel the same. However, just doing it in bed lying down is actually a huge shift in my SH patterns :cheer:  and probably good to not immediately start forcing myself to find a method for when I'm not lying down, but rather trust that that will come when I'm ready. :yes: Yup, that's it. I can feel the inner head nodding.

Eating disorder is harder to write about. What I'm calling a 'miniscule' shift is probably actually a big shift for me at least internally. It might not immediately play out in my eating behaviour.

Need to get something off my chest first - I have the expectation of myself that I change my eating behaviour immediately and for ever more. So that would have been a shift worth writing about, but during my holiday I felt a tiny shift and part of me is seeing this as progress while somebody, undoubtedly ICr (B1 and M both drop by in my head), expects an all-or-nothing shift. As I write this, I realise it's progress that I'm even noticing that ICr is there after all. I wrote yesterday that ICr had stopped with the self-criticism of 'I probably really am a bad person' but I didn't somehow realise that ICr could still be present in a different case. Sounds naive not to realise that, since ICr is a state of mind rather than an actual person who drops by. Or maybe I just didn't want to contemplate that ICr might be there, maybe at a much deeper level, much nearer the childhood pain and I just didn't want to access that at all yesterday. I think it might be the latter actually. So a protective measure. :thumbup:  That's something to embrace and not criticise myself over.

btw those ICr in relation to eating disorder are so virulent that the 12 Step slogans 'Just for Today, Just for 24 Hours' don't help me anymore, though they used to when I was much less in touch with the inner layers of the onion, so to speak.

So the actual eating disorder shift: I realise and see that I really am very fat and I don't want to be this fat. I also don't want to get any fatter. Although I do take moderate exercise, it's not enough for the calories I'm consuming. I can feel a bit more of a willingness to look at this in therapy again which would involve feeling or trying to feel or imagining what emotions I might possibly feel before I start to eat or cook or go food-shopping.

I think it also involves becoming stricter with myself. Strict in order to be kind to myself :aaauuugh: Maybe the word 'strict' is triggering? An individual word can be for me. Maybe I could find a different way of expressing that so it sounds less strict. There's that word again! The problem is that I'm probably expecting too much of myself at once :yes: - there goes my inner head again, nodding. The first step was managing to write about it at all on here and the next step have realisations=further progress, while writing. The next steps will involve feeling or trying to feel or even imagining what I might be feeling. Those steps might take a while - weeks, months even but they are necessary for a permanent shift in eating habits. I don't expect myself to go cold-turkey on my SH any more. I wrote above how huge the shift in the SH pattern is. So try to see this enormity for my eating disorder too.

I know my own pace. It's slow in comparison to what might be expected of an adult. I felt hurried a lot as a child, not allowed my own pace, not allowed time to think and absorb or experiment and learn by simply doing, especially with my hands, with my body. I felt pushed around and in the way :'( I also felt 'jumped on'. Somebody would leap down my throat, correcting, taking things out of my hands, saying 'Let me do that, you're so slow. I can do it better' and probably more in that line though the words haven't come immediately into my head.

So, my own pace. I would like to learn to apply it to bit by bit recovery from my eating disorder too.

Hi Blueberry,
I haven't read what you've just written yet, but I hope to read it at a later time - but I did want to come here and just say that I'm glad that you enjoyed your holiday, and that you're back safely.  I also wanted to send you a hug of welcome back  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope for welcoming me back and reminding me how I enjoyed my holiday.  :hug:  :)

My last post was very long but it seemed important to write as I was able to process and make realisations while writing. But nobody should feel obliged in any way to read something that long on here.

Definitely. Slow. Not all or nothing. I respect that realization, BB. And coming from a place of love and kindness and providing comfort to yourself, something most of us lacked from caregivers (except Sage! Your mom with the tea and toast!!!).

I also discovered my big baby step that ended up being huge for self harm was finding a soothing substitute. That I could use when I noticed and was able to pause long enough to do the substitute but not to beat myself up for slipping. Mine was rosewater toner on a soft cotton ball for skin/hair SH.

Continue on with the gentle babysteps you've been doing that are not small at all.  :hug:

Hugs, BB! I agree, slow and steady sees more lasting change than cold turkey or anything. I'll give an example, but please don't feel it's a suggestion or anything. just my own experience.

Before I moved, I weighed nearly 250 at only 5 feet tall. (haven't gotten any taller, dang it.) I decided to do Weight watchers, BUT! I also very intentionally told myself that it takes time, I refuse to feel guilty over the speed or amount, and just do what I can. The biggest thing there wasn't actually being strict or denying myself. It was changing my thinking to make different food choices, or at least be aware of what my choices meant. I had pizza, ice cream, cake... But rarely, as a real treat, and knowing I might have to make different choices for a SHORT TIE to make up for it. And it worked. By refusing to worry, I lost 50lbs in just over a whole year. Unfortunately, I've gained quite a bit back during the epidemic, but I do know that I have the ability to make those changes again if I want to. And I totally have had "comfort food" since starting therapy, let me tell you. So I get you about getting to the point where you don't want to do it because other people say you need to, even a doctor, but just because you want something different.  And please know that no matter what you do, you are cared for and supported here. This forum is just awesome and I'm glad you're here.

Thank you CactusFlower for your validation, support and care :hug:

Armee, this is very apt "And coming from a place of love and kindness and providing comfort to yourself" because today I started stroking the top of my head from my forehead over my hair to the back of my head. It provides me with comfort, in fact I start yawning which is a sure sign that it's relaxing me in a good way. Tension is being released. On Aug. 16th, which was just yesterday, I realised and wrote that I couldn't force myself to find a method for when I'm not lying down, but rather trust that an appropriate method will come when I'm ready. And today I was ready :cheer: An appropriate method came and I'm using it :)

So far I've avoided attempting to feel what I possibly could be feeling before eating or cooking. I did boil up some potatoes that have been hanging around for a while and I didn't think I 'should' cook up anything else e.g. sauce or vegetables. I just ate the potatoes and I enjoyed them. Another day I can have vegetables. It really makes sense. I'm preparing food only for myself, doing so takes up way more energy than it should (keeping whatever emotions down and positively not feeling them is undoubtedly using up some of the energy) and so why not go back to meals of just one type of food? I did that in the long distant past too. One reason I eat various unhealthy things is that I feel too exhausted to cook, or get exhausted at the thought. For some reason it has been 'OK' (sort of) to buy junk food - easy eat, straight out of the package - but not prepared food so much. Though I do sometimes buy a prepared salad, but often I catch myself thinking: "Oh come on! You can make your own, it's really not that hard" whereas baking for example I haven't done for so long that it actually would be hard. And now :lightbulb: I realise that it's not a question of easy or difficult preparation it's a question of those emotions I've been keeping tamped down.

Things have been moving further in my head and feelings about conflict-friend no. 1. On the one hand it's a good sign that she's leaving the door open for me. With time I might be able to go back to some form of friendship. I think for that to happen I would need to be further along in my recovery and either be totally unconcerned about whatever FOO thinks of me or says to somebody else, meaning not triggered by anything to do with them OR be able to clearly and if necessary forcefully say 'No', 'Mind your own business', set a boundary in a way that gets followed and do so early enough that said friend understands that I mean what I say and accepts it. I think the second possibility is more likely to occur than the first. But it still could take me idk 2 years to get that far.

On the other hand, I'm really annoyed about the blind spots she has and the vibes I'm getting from her that there is nothing she needs to look at in her behaviour and in her attitudes towards me, whereas I think there definitely is. I've heard enough from FOO things like "Oh we don't have any problems, it's just you who does." I really don't need to sense this coming from a friend as well. I could be off in what I'm sensing? interpreting? It could just be a projection or partial projection. But I don't really think so. Learning to trust my feelings :thumbup:

I've been thinking about what san wrote in her Too Many Triggers thread about shame, blame, responsibility. I commented on it too and then got a bit foggy and lost words, thoughts etc. Because I'm not quite far enough in recovery myself to really feel comfortable writing something that I've read on here before but don't quite believe in my heart of hearts either. But I'm getting closer to it now. (Thank you san.)

When somebody is being abusive towards me, even 'minorly' abusive which is possible in conflict-friend's case (though not imho in the cases san has been writing about or in my own FOO), I have the responsibility to attempt to figure out what's going on and to see what my part could be and what I can do about it, but so does the other person!!! As far as I can tell, that's often what's missing. As a child at home, even quite a small child definitely pre-teen, I'd sit there wracking my brains trying to figure out why my parents didn't want me (that's the conclusion I came to based on their behaviour). I was trying to figure out what was going on. They didn't even seem to be aware there was a problem. Even when two relatives and later three of my teachers pointed some things out, there was no attempt on my parents' part to figure out what their contribution to the situation was. If I think back to that poor little 7,8,9,10,11 yo who was me desperately trying to figure things out in a situation that was way too complex for me to understand, then I feel sad :'(  At 10yo I was blamed for these relatives having spoken up :aaauuugh: How could I be to blame for that?? Anyway, that's dysfunctional families for you.

So, I have the responsibility as an adult to attempt to figure out what my contribution to a conflict situation is, to attempt to act differently and hopefully better the situation, but it's really hard to bring about a change if the other person shrugs and sees me as the whole problem. Or doesn't care. Or doesn't even attempt to look at their stuff. And as Kizzie points out on san's thread (thank you Kizzie), as survivors of post or ongoing trauma we've been taught not to speak up, not to trust our feelings. We never learnt to recognise or fend off abusers (direct quote from Kizzie) because I would say the whole family (or partnership in an adult case) would fall apart if they didn't have their handy scapegoat. Very sadly, tragically really, we don't start out adult life with these skills and learning on top of all those layers of crapola is challenging. Given time and a lot of work - to some degree doable, but challenging.

In the case of both conflict-friends, I feel blame coming at me for not being 'normal', for being 'difficult', for not healing fast enough, and in the case of conflict-friend no.1, for being emotionally immature. But both of them are now siding with FOO to some degree and just not taking on board that it's the result of cptsd that it can take me a long time to stand up for myself etc. And my cptsd is FOO-caused. Even if it's generational which it is on the maternal side and probably in some way on the paternal side too. But still: I'm the one who's looking at it and working on it, not my parents, not my sibs. Me. I then I get this flak from friends/'friends' :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

Just needed that long rant + vent.

 :cheer: :cheer:

You are finding your methods!  :hug: I love it.

I was trained to do the same, BB, finding my role in a problem. I think that's a good thing to do. What is less good is deciding to accept all the blame  because the other accepts none..I see you seeing your friend's role and protecting yourself and I'm proud of you.

blueberry, once again your process and progress impress me.  your tiny steps sound just right to me.  i've had the experience where i've tried to go for bigger than i can manage, and it only turns to dust, anxiety, and inner disturbance.  i think you are on the exact right path for you. 

as for these conflict friends of yours, i say pooh on them.  you deserve to be treated kindly, gently, and with respect.  i've had too many friends who didn't do that, and happily i've gotten rid of them.  much less stressful without them, and they weren't adding enough to my life in a pos. way to balance it out.  best to you with both of them.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Thank you Armee and san  :) :hug: :hug:
________________

Two good days in a row :thumbup:

Got a lot done on both days and did some nice things too. When I can get things done, one after another without taking long breaks, it reminds me how far I've come. Good to write that here to remind myself when things are tough again.

I sang in the choir this evening. There were 6 of us, so every person counts. It does me good, that's why I go.

Yesterday I cycled about 25 km to collect a few things and then go home again. I was so surprised at how fast I was zipping along on the way there. The reason was clear on the way home - I had had a tail wind on the way. But still I think my fitness level in general and cycling muscles in particular have improved since my holiday. As I was zipping along, I felt good about my body and that has remained. Even though I had had a tail wind on the way, the message that got through to me was that my body is strong and can propel me for kilometres :thumbup: That is much different from what I usually think about my body and from what I heard throughout childhood and teens and later too - if being fat (which I wasn't) didn't happen to be a point of criticism then it was that I was 'too unfit' and physically weak and basically useless because not as strong as my older B. So it's always good when I can feel strength in my body and feel that my body is more than just 'in the way'.

Today I made small trips by bike - here, there and everywhere. I bought a new second-hand bike a couple of months ago which is slightly different from my previous bike. As I'm getting more and more used to it, I'm getting more enjoyment out of it. It's slightly unusual round here so I get calls like 'Cool bike!' and Iike hearing that. My bike isn't me of course, it's just something I'm using but I much prefer compliments than jeers. There were a lot of jeers in FOO.

I finally started doing some tidying in my apartment and even a little discarding of items. I didn't even have to force myself, it just happened. Of course, forcing myself doesn't work anyway...

Blueberry, I am glad to read your celebrations and how good you are feeling in your body.   :hug:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Way to go! You sound FANTASTIC!

Awesome job!  Just getting started is the hardest part (for me at least), so the hardest part is done already!

(I can relate to the comparisons with your older B - that was my M's go to.  For years, I've compared myself to my B, and then to everyone else.  I know M did it to B, because he hates me and I've never done anything to him (that I can recall).  We haven't talked in decades.)

blueberry, besides all the other things you're accomplishing, both physically and mentally, i'm always so glad when i hear you sang with the choir.  that's seemed to be one thing you consistently have enjoyed over the years, so it always makes me smile when i hear that you've sang again.  love it!  keep up the good work - you are riding along a really pos. path, from my perspective.  :cheer:  go you!  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Thank you all for your validations and for cheering me on  :) :hug:

______________
I had 3.5 good days in a row, which is nothing to sniff at. This afternoon I got really sleepy but didn't go and lie down for some reason ??? The reason is actually this idea that I should be able to stay awake and push through. Oh, there's that 'should' again.

I noticed an hour or so ago that I wanted to go to bed OR eat chocolate. I did the latter, though a smaller amount than usual. I bought a 50g bar specially rather than 100g. I know I'm trying to avoid feeling though part of what I'm avoiding feeling has come through beneficial, supportive, validating words from 2 other people. That reminds me now that in intensive group therapy I used to cry when somebody supported me, so I suppose there's probably something similar going on here. Idk if some sadness was touched today or something else because I avoided feeling it. My T has been gently trying to get me to feel for a while. In his presence I can mostly stay in the feeling and allow it to be till it evolves into something else, which it does (!) if I allow it to be instead of fighting it.

The validating, supportive words were about my stance vis-à-vis my business neighbour and the electricity problem. The two people involved were at the farm. I was asking one of them about electricity in general but also mentioned how my business neighbour was dealing with me. Their reactions showed me also how invalidating conflict-friends no.1 and no.2 were. Last year conflict-friend no.1 suggested a completely different solution to the dirty toilet one I was dealing with at the time. About her contact to my parents, I told her she was undermining the boundaries I set and now I realise she's been undermining me and my growth in general. It's like FOO mbrs barging in and saying "Let me do this! I'm better than you. You're too slow. You're so dumb"  :blahblahblah: but done in a different matter. The message was similar though "Your decision isn't correct, you should be doing it the way I would". Conflict-friend no.2 more like "If you had treated your neighbours better before, it wouldn't have happened." Just so like FOO.

I am getting my own back at my business neighbour atm but it is because his way of treating me is abominable. All smiles and compliments when he wants a favour from me, but otherwise used to tell me things like "You don't exist for me" when I wanted him to do things he is required to do according to the rental contract e.g. clean the toilet. I have no trust in him. If there were an amicable way forward where I would be sure not to be at a disadvantage, I might grant the favour, but business neighbour and his third electrician (supposedly his BIL) went behind my back, discussed with LL and tried to install something I hadn't agreed to in that form.

Now I think I understand LL's way of handling, though I don't agree with it. He rakes in the money from rents and does zero for the current tenants. It's fine for him if we all pay our own way if we want something improved or repaired and so long as we agree with each other or the stronger ones in the building force it on others, he doesn't care. He's not getting involved. That does trigger me a little bit back to childhood which is why this has all been very exhausting. But the good thing for now - as opposed to in my childhood - I have won at least a small victory. Business neighbour has noticed that he cannot always push me around. He has presumably also noticed that even if LL says he can do something but then I say "Only if LL does xy for me first", LL doesn't seem to act.

well, i certainly relate to your LL problems from the last house i lived in.  so sorry you have to deal with it - still!  it truly is stressful and exhausting.  wishing you all the best, blueberry.   :hug:

Thank you, san.
Some people used to suggest I move, but I knew it could all happen somewhere else. What's important for me is speaking up irrespective of what other people think of that. I have had a bit of a victory with my business neighbour, and having figured out that LL doesn't want to get involved makes it somewhat easier actually. It seems, touch wood, that he's not actually going to march in and get an electrician to do anything, he's just going to ignore everything.
_________________________

Idk really know what's going on today.  I just feel so lethargic. I think it's depression but idk why. Good things today: (1) I cycled to another town to collect something and got lost, so had quite a long cycle including through areas I haven't cycled through before. (2) Saw flowers :)  (3) Dragged myself out of the house to go and sing at church again

_____________
Well, I do know some of what's on my mind atm, some of which is maybe contributing to the lethargy. My godson, conflict-friend no. 2's son, is coming next week for 4 days. Instead of  getting prepared for that, which would include lots of cleaning and tidying, I've been playing round upon round of Patience/solitaire, doing SH and roaming around the Internet. I think once my godson is here, it will be fine, we will do things together, he's not his M and can't help what she thinks or said, but atm I feel I'd prefer to be on my own.

Blueberry, I like the sound of your cycling adventure - I enjoy riding my bicycle as you experience things differently.  I often see things I wouldn't have seen otherwise which can be really cool. 

I wish you well as you find through the upcoming visit.  People visiting (or really any big social change like going back to work after a break) does similar things to me. 

i get the anxiety connected to anticipation of an upcoming event.  one day, one step at a time, ok?  you'll get thru this.  we're here for you.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you rainydiary, I'm relieved you know the feeling. It helps me feel less alone. Sorry you get it too though.
san, it's helpful you tell me you know this as anxiety. Because I didn't know what I was feeling apart from a desire to hide.

I finally got going today with some garden work, long overdue, and watering a friend's plants and flowers earlier in the day. Stayed in bed till noon though. But it's the holidays so that's OK. Instead of feeling annoyed at myself, it's better to say that it's my free time so I can do what I want even if that's lying in bed. The other thing I've been doing a lot of is singing in the choir. I'll be able to do that 3 times this upcoming weekend too. I've never managed to do that much in such a short time before. So that's how I'm spending the school holidays.

Really it was a good step forward that I went away twice and felt that I wanted to explore new places and do so again in the holidays next year too. Kind of the opposite of curling up in bed and having no future plans.

looking forward to more adventures is so wonderful to hear, blueberry.  so very glad for you!  and of course, i'm delighted for you that you are singing again.  way to go!  love and hugs :hug:

Actually I've been curled up all weekend, dreaming of FOO (not good) and definitely NOT getting prepared for my godson to visit. I didn't go to sing once, never mind 3 times.

Idk what's up with me, I really don't.

Blueberry, I am thinking of you as you navigate this weekend and week. 

 :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:  Really wish I could bring you something to help the day be better, and whatever you need, I hope that you receive it. 
Hope  :)

Feeling for your recent mood dive (down). Mostly hoping your resilience and inner strength will get you through.  :hug:

((((((Blueberry))))))

I don't really think anything is wrong with you. I think you are receiving really really strong messages from your nervous system that something is not ok about this upcoming visit. Perhaps it is alerting you to the danger of being hurt, abused, taken advantage of, or criticized.

I'm sending you a big strong hug and some knowledge that you know how to protect yourself and keep yourself safe, you are learning that it is ok to set boundaries, and you love your God Son and will find a way eventially to be in his life without being hurt by others around him.

I know how scary and upsetting it is for me to go from a period of feeling ok to feeling depressed, frightened, stucK, hopeless, trapped, and helpless. You've got this,  Blueberry. Just listen in to your body and mind, hear what they are telling you, and find a way to honor that. You will bounce back out of this low, when it is time.

:grouphug:

Thank you all for your kind words, support and hugs.  :grouphug:

It's late and my godson is in bed, but I knew I needed to come on here and write a bit.

Today I was thinking I was maybe dissociated or half-dissociated with anxiety in the days before my godson came. My place is chaos but we're managing. I got a bit ratty on our first outing today though it wasn't my godson's fault. I thought I should apologise but it was too difficult somehow. In compensation when we were out and about this evening I let him make most of the decisions about where and how long and so on.

When I got ratty it was partly because I felt weak and slow and noticed the bad state my feet are in, partly because my godson got way ahead which triggered me and partly I think because of the anxiety and pressure I feel about my business neighbour announcing yesterday that he'd contacted LL, that LL came yesterday (but I was out and about with my godson) and was going to come again today. Anxiety sky-high and the feeling that I'm powerless compared to him and despite me knowing that LL's behaviour is NOT alright e.g. fixes time with business neighbour and doesn't ask me if the time is OK, but would just come and expect me to drop everything and attend to him and business neighbour's request where my agreement is necessary.. He's never got back to me about anything, nor has he responded to the Tenants Rights Association about my case. Anyway, big triggers there.

Re: not apologising to my godson about being ratty and something else I've forgotten the word for, I did feel as bad as M but now maybe not. Because she never seemed to have a bad conscience about anything of the things she did or said whereas I do. Hanging onto a bad conscience isn't very healthy either, but at least it shows I think about these things and try and improve, unlike M.

I notice also being around 'normal' people or a child from a 'normal' family that I was questioning my decision to be VLC with FOO, though there are actually tons of reasons to be VLC with FOO.

Tomorrow my godson will still be here but is getting collected in the evening. Thanks everybody for being here and being supportive!  :grouphug:

 :hug:

Thanks san  :hug:

Today I apologised and said I'll try to not act that way another time.

Among many other things today, we played mini golf. I got kind of triggered there too. My godson was generally better than me, although a few times I did better than him. The situation triggered me to childhood feeling like a loser and a failure. I was often not as good as other children and then lacking in confidence as well. And no parent saying anything like "it's not about winning, but just having fun" or praising me when I did well.

Now I do have more self-confidence and I think I'd be better able to do a round alone. I think it would be good for me to do more fun things like that just for me and obviously when I'm on my own and then my Inner Children would be less likely to come to the surface feeling as if they're in competition with my godson. Generally you shouldn't feel as if you have to compete with a child. I 'should' be able to step back internally and let him have fun and also direct my attention towards him. Otherwise I think he's being kind of parentified by me. To state the obvious, that is not good.

But I'm also able to look back on the visit now and think it was fun, we did a lot of different activities. Also I was remembering that I have made improvements. Maybe about 12-13 years ago I had some contact for a while with a family of little girls and I remember the mother suggested I take the elder one cycling - she was about 6 or 7 yo - and I couldn't even consider it. I cycle a lot myself but being responsible for a child on a bike in traffic or mostly on bike paths but still crossing roads etc - no way! Far too nerve-wracking for me. My godson is 11 yo and cycling with him is not a problem at all.

so glad you can see the overall of the visit as fun.  that may be a happy memory to store away, nudging some of the bad stuff out.  love and hugs :hug:

From what you posted here, I noticed the turn you felt from wanting to fight off the triggers, or maybe even surrender to their power yet again. Instead you seemed able to access a change in perspective that's very encouraging (en-courage-ing). The triggers were present, plus you surmise the how and why of their appearance; but they didn't bowl you over either -- it wasn't enough to alter the good vibes you were feeling from the outing.

This sort of turnaround can be hard to come by, as we're so used to the old story taking over. It only seems easy afterwards. So I hope you can continue finding these other perspectives pop into your process. The change is not only worthwhile in short bursts, it can herald another step turning you towards finding these new ways where you allow yourself to accept a fresh outlook.

Then you can keep working towards what's most important -- just being your whole self. What went wrong in the past is not necessarily repetitive. And you can find the strength that's been carrying you along in spite of those old stories.

:hug:

 :cheer:

Blueberry, I'm really proud of you. You did good with this visit. And an 11 yr old boy can be really hard to connect with. Good job!!!!

Quote from: woodsgnome on September 03, 2021, 02:20:50 AM
From what you posted here, I noticed the turn you felt from wanting to fight off the triggers, or maybe even surrender to their power yet again. Instead you seemed able to access a change in perspective that's very encouraging (en-courage-ing). The triggers were present, plus you surmise the how and why of their appearance; but they didn't bowl you over either -- it wasn't enough to alter the good vibes you were feeling from the outing.

Thank you so much for writing this. You are so able to see the big picture :cheer:  I write I did x then y then z and I see some of the progress, but you are able to give me a whole overview of what went on without adding your own spin to it (unlike my conflict-friends, FOO etc). I really really appreciate your ability here. I don't (yet) have this ability, but it may come at least a bit after further recovery

Really almost every sentence in your post is a nugget, to be read and re-read by me till it sinks in :)

Quote from: woodsgnome on September 03, 2021, 02:20:50 AM
This sort of turnaround can be hard to come by, as we're so used to the old story taking over. It only seems easy afterwards.

:blink: Wow. You read my thoughts. I really did think it was easy, afterwards. Once out of the situation ('afterwards') it did seem easy. But you're telling me it wasn't. That helps me appreciate my own steps in recovery and particularly the steps I made during my godson's visit. As in, Blueberry - don't take them for granted, don't just gloss over them and continue on with the day-to-day! (Self-talk). So beneficial for me to stop, take note, point out to and praise my Inner Children for their help in me making these steps.

Quote from: woodsgnome on September 03, 2021, 02:20:50 AM
Then you can keep working towards what's most important -- just being your whole self.

A big nugget :) Oh, wow, really?! News to me - I can be a whole self with deficiencies, warts and all? But also of course with my strength, resilience and other good sides. I'm drawing a blank on what those are atm but I do know I have them. I'm not fishing for compliments rn, just writing what's going on.

Thank you too san and Armee for reading and for your beneficial comments. Thanks to woodsgnome's comment and especially to my own processing of it by responding to it, I am now not going to continue downplaying the-hard-to-connect-with of 11 yo boys. (I had been thinking 'Oh no, he is actually pretty easy to connect with, it's just me..."  Instead I'm going to see my own ability and strength there. And top of it all, I did it despite his M having reservations about whether we'd really both manage a 4-day visit :cheer: It actually got easier as the visit progressed, no big surprise there.

________________________

Recently in correspondence with someone in the FOO wider circle I mentioned that I have to pace myself with most things (e.g. writing emails). It hit me afterwards that I actually have to pace myself with everything! With every last little thing from showering to brushing my teeth to washing the dishes to writing on here to taking my medication to doing therapy exercises to giving my pet her medication to yawning for releasing tension. No wonder most of these things often feel difficult and strenuous. No wonder I just can't take my third additional medication when things are tough even though I know that it would be especially helpful then. But it involves counting out 12-15 drops, taking with water and then sloshing water around in the mug to get the last drops out and down my throat. And that is quite frankly too much when in the back of my mind I know I have to do a few other things that day, when I even want to do more things that day.

As painful as it is to make this clear to myself, it's also an important realisation. This is cptsd in my case, and probably in a few other cases on here. But I mean it's not my 'fault', it's because of this beast called cptsd. Plain old acceptance helps. Wow, pain just appeared in my right hand while I typed the sentence on 'acceptance' and there again with the word itself. Could be a coincidence but my inner voice is saying it's not.

Oh Blueberry, your mention of pacing wonderful.  It's true for me too as well I imagine for many people if not all people.  It makes me realize that's what I couldn't express to my brother when he was pushing me recently.  We certainly aren't taught to pace and our society doesn't allow us to go at our own pace especially if that pace is guided by CPTSD.  I appreciate you noticing that about yourself and I hope you continue to find ways to adjust your environment to meet your pace.

blueberry, i also have to pace myself with all those types of activities - they all take energy, and some days i have more of that than other days. 

such realizations, and the acceptance of them can indeed be painful on many levels.  i doubt it's a coincidence, either.  for me, these sometimes feel like i've just crashed thru a wall.  however, after dusting myself off, getting my bearings, the air is a little fresher, cleaner, on the other side.  i hope you find that for yourself as well.  i've just written about acceptance for myself in my journal, and it's part of this beast, for sure.  and, no, it's not your fault, there's nothing wrong with you, and you are not 'less than' for being the way you are. 

by the by, i think you're great.  sending love and a hug filled with a smile for getting to the other side of this.   :hug:

These are some big insights, blueberry. I can relate to how exhausting everything can be.

Blueberry, I think you hit the nail on the head.  It's something I'm starting to realize as well.  I have regrets with my own children.  Times when I reacted out of anger or fear and generally wasn't a very good parent.  I think all of us do, but for me, it makes me wonder.  Am I as Destructive as my FOO?  Am I creating a situation where they think they are the problem?   

For me that's the worst part. I grew up believing I was the problem.  So I apologize to my kids, and I let them know when it's my fault and why.  Both my kids are aware of my CPTSD and that I'm working on it.  But a simple apology that says "it's not you, it's me" means they don't have to grow up believing they are flawed.  I never got an apology and I never will.  But my kids deserve the apology and knowing when it's not their fault (but also knowing when it is, cause I don't want to raise little narcissists either).

Quote from: Dante on September 05, 2021, 11:57:46 AM
  Am I as Destructive as my FOO? 

While I was still a bit EF-y, that kind of question went through my head too. But now after the EF, I know I'm not and from what you write I'm sure you aren't either.

I imagine it takes more than one generation to rid the family system of generational trauma. You will have done a lot better by your children than your parents did by you. The following is hypothetical and presumably could be applied to the children of people with cptsd in general: Maybe your children will still have a few things to work on later in life but from you they will have gained clarity and resilience and more good things of that nature, meaning that whatever residues of generational trauma they might be carrying, they'll have a lot less other garbage to go through first, before they can even start making any changes in their own lives. You will have given them a headstart that you never had yourself. 

Quote from: Dante on September 05, 2021, 11:57:46 AM
I grew up believing I was the problem.  So I apologize to my kids, and I let them know when it's my fault and why.  Both my kids are aware of my CPTSD and that I'm working on it.  But a simple apology that says "it's not you, it's me" means they don't have to grow up believing they are flawed.  I never got an apology and I never will.  But my kids deserve the apology and knowing when it's not their fault

I grew up believing I was the problem too because that is what I was told. Apologising seems to be very difficult for me, but after writing on here a few days ago, I then did apologise to my godson the next day :thumbup: :applause: :cheer: My ICr is telling me that the cheerleader doesn't belong there, that in fact I shouldn't have put more than the thumbup because it's so embarrassing and anyway you 'have to' be able to apologise so no big deal if you do so.

That is hogwash from ICr! For me it was hugely difficult apologising to my godson this time. I had this old fear that apologising would lead to me being annihilated, though the fear only became really concrete after I had apologised, not even directly afterwards. It took a good few hours, or maybe even a day or two. Apologising in FOO was dangerous - it would lead to something like emotional annihilation from having made yourself 'weak'. So maybe being triggered at the time had something to do with conflict-friend-no.2 and her emotional/psychological attacks on me.

Blueberry, I appreciated reading your entry.  I have been thinking about generational trauma too.  I think about how my genes were given to me by people whose bodies "kept the score."

I imagine there must have been body messages passed to me that started me in a place where I was already more prone to responding from a place of trauma. 

I appreciate the work you are doing to bring attention and help the next generation respond differently.

hey, blueberry,

i think you're very brave to be able to apologize to your godsone, whether it be minutes, hours, or days after.  kudos to you for such a huge move. :cheer:  i think it does deserve more than a thumbs up.

those old messages die hard, the trauma from them dies even harder.  your apology showed a break in the abuse cycle.  sending love and a hug filled with continued cheer-worthy work in this area. :bighug:

I agree with rainydiary and san.  You deserve a lot more than a thumbs up.  To give what we never got so that we break the cycle is perhaps the hardest and bestest thing we can do.   :applause: :applause: :applause:

Thank you san for your encouragement and support.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 06, 2021, 05:32:49 AM
those old messages die hard, the trauma from them dies even harder. 

I like the way you worded this. Very apt saying.
________________

I'm going to write a few Good Things from today before harder stuff.
1) I felt inspired to clean my shower, first time since a long, long time. I poked around into difficult-to-reach bits with an old toothbrush. It isn't all perfect, but it's a lot better than it was.
2) I followed a recipe I haven't done for a long time

3) I did some food-shopping and didn't buy any sweet (or other) snacks. Not surprisingly, the bill was lower than usual. I didn't even have a craving for any sweet stuff. Had I bought some, it would have been out of habit.

4) Since noticing and accepting that I have to pace myself with every last little thing, my mindfulness has suddenly improved :cheer:  It's getting easier for me not to overdo things, e.g. it's easier to stop pushing myself on to do another thing, and another. Or put another way I'm doing better at consciously feeling what I need in the next half-hour or right now or whatever and then allowing myself to do that. 

5) Somewhat connected: Although it's the final week of the school holidays and I had been planning to do business stuff in the main this week, I realise I still need holiday activities to re-energise myself before work really gets going again. I also realised once again that it's not good for me to attempt to do more professional work than I have the ability to and it has just got a lot easier for me to act upon this! It was really important to clean the shower this morning rather than a number of things in the office. 

6) Today I took a few items I no longer need to the local Food Bank and laid them out in front of the building with a sign instructing people to take what they wanted. Even before I'd finished laying the stuff out, some children appeared and were so overjoyed at being able to pick something out, some saying that they would give x or y to their mother or their sister. Just seeing and hearing the children: One boy of about 8 said "Cool!" when he saw a postcard of a dog and took that immediately. That alone made it worth it for me to have made the effort instead of just throwing the things out.

7)  :sunny: :sunny:

Quote from: Dante on September 06, 2021, 06:43:20 PM
I agree with rainydiary and san.  You deserve a lot more than a thumbs up.  To give what we never got so that we break the cycle is perhaps the hardest and bestest thing we can do.   :applause: :applause: :applause:

Thanks for pointing that out to me, Dante. Once again, OOTS is just brilliant. When I don't notice or really acknowledge my own progress, some kind person on here lets me know.  :thumbup:  :)

Harder stuff today.
I got an email from B2 mentioning my parents' state of health and him offering to phone or email me, whichever I want. That's all OK because I'm VLC not NC. I'm actually pleased that he bothered to get in touch with me. But.
It's difficult.

Although I was already pretty sure I'd never see my parents again or travel all that way to either of their funerals just because I have long since realised that there is no safe place for me in FOO and I come away retraumatised, it makes me sad to know that my parents are getting older and more decrepit :'(  F is losing his memory. When your memory goes, part of you goes as well, so it feels like a half-death. Even though I know that FOO is a family in name only (went through that process a few years ago in T), knowing that F is losing his memory hits home how there's no chance to resolve any of this family crapola. Not that I have believed it would be possible for a good few years now, but this news makes that certain.

I will respond to B2, soon, but that too feels difficult. Well, all contact with FOO is, so no surprise really.

Hey Blueberry,

My thoughts are with you as you go through this difficult time. I had to leave my family before my F died also. I never got resolution with him either. It's been 10 or 11 years since he passed, and I'm still very okay with the fact that I had to stay away for my own sanity. My FOO had the power to really damage me, so I owed it to my wife and children to not let my nasty siblings or anyone else in my FOO make a mess of us again. We worked too hard to build a more positive family life outside their reach. My F chose to let me suffer for years. I really didn't owe him any obligatory visits during his sunsetting years.

You're not alone with this. I hope you are able to find peace and strength in the friendship that the people on this forum are able to extend.

 :hug:

I'm sorry BB. I know that's a real hard thing to accept and grieve...that there will be no magic reconciliation where the FOO makes things OK. In my case, I found a lot of peace when it ended and there was no more striving or hoping for things to be better or different. I mean it sucked and hurt but that was better than the uncertainty. I could grieve finally. So, although this is hard and sad, I hope too that this shift in health and relationship brings a small bit of peace.

When my F died, I wept.  Like wept.  I've wept twice in my life, and that was one of them.  But I also found myself feeling relieved, and I felt immeasurably guilty over that.  It's a mess of feelings.  It's been 4 years now, but still the feelings are as raw as they ever were.  I hope you find some measure of peace.

i feel for you, blueberry, for these realizations and the difficulties accompanying them.  we're with you during this time.  hang tough, ok?  good luck with your B2 as well.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you all for your replies and for understanding! I know OOTS is about the only place where people can understand me. I know you're with me.  :grouphug: I'll write more another time.

Today I had a nice day, in the main. I was able to put my parents' ill health aside and did another train+bike trip to a flower and herb garden I've been intending to visit for a few years. I also bought some new plants - all flowering and good for bees and other insects :) Before I went I got verbally accosted again by my business neighbour and he didn't leave off until I got loud and added *!!§&! though just in general rather than directed solely at him.

This evening I wrote a short email to LL and a longer one to the Tenants' Rights Association. It's certainly a sign of stabilisation and recovery that I managed to send 2 emails to B2 yesterday and the email to LL this evening. Two days in a row of writing difficult emails. Not so long ago it would've taken me at least a week for each email.

This thing with my business neighbour and LL is really getting to me. With LL supposedly dropping by ever so often rather than answering my and the TRA's emails from about a month ago, I feel as if I'm being stalked or something. (I have been stalked once before, a good number of years ago.) I notice that being on edge about whether my LL is going to turn up is making me not want to be home or in my office or in the garden in LL's office hours, which is all day. I also notice that being on edge is affecting my concentration. I need to concentrate to work! This week I happen to be taking more time off because I need it but as of this coming Monday when the schools go back, I will have my usual number of students again and will need to be in my office to deal with paperwork e.g. some stuff for my tax accountant, writing up the latest Covid stuff etc etc, not to mention lesson prep. Having the worry in the back of my mind that LL might drop by any time to gang up on me with business neighbour and force something through or just behave like a total narc until i get loud in frustration is just not conducive to work of any kind but especially not where I have to concentrate. Fortunately I have T in 2 days so I can talk about it there, work on it and hope that defuses something internally.

I do realise though that my therapist is correct - it really seems that speaking up and standing up for myself in conflicts now is helping heal the trauma of my childhood. My T does know that speaking up and standing up for myself is very difficult. He doesn't ask stupid questions like I used to get from therapists in the past e.g. "What is preventing you from taking this step?" or say stupid things like "Well obviously you don't want to get better otherwise you would have done as I suggested." It's late, I'm tired, I'd better go to bed.

I'm moving forwards :cheer:

I no longer feel so intimidated by LL or my business neighbour. :cheer:  T appointment yesterday helped.

Today I sent an ebay seller (private individual rather than a company) a deadline for sending me what I've paid for or sending my money back. :cheer:

I also looked up "bullying in the workplace" to help me understand what's going on in the local branch of an association I'm part of. Yes, bullying is what is going on. In a slightly subtle way. I've started writing an email pointing this out to one of the people in question. With the other person it's so bad, I'm going to send an email directly to the head of our local branch.

My T doesn't know about this particular instance but he has been saying for a while how important it is that I express what is going on instead of worrying about 'disturbing' the other person or being negatively impacted if I broach a topic. (That is of course what happened and even still happens in FOO).

I could leave the local branch of the association but it's advocacy work that is important to me. Also I don't want to leave before I try to do something about it. It may work, it may not. If it doesn't, I can then decide what to do.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

let's hear it for competent therapists!   :cheer:  those are definitely the ones that help us go forward.  so glad you've got one like that blueberry.

and congrats on sending out those emails, as well as the intimidation factor being reduced.  way to go! :cheer:  you are movin' full speed ahead.

just to mention, i absolutely love your nature instincts, your gardening, and sharing that with us.  to me it's grounding and i feel like that's a good connection to have.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

i haven't managed to move forward with email to mbrs of the advocacy group I'm in. I got sick instead. Nauseated and earache, throatache. Eventually I managed to get up and then go down into the garden where I did some work and also had the wherewithal to put my little live lawnmowers out for a while to enjoy the warmth and gather their own food.

Earache and throatache disappeared as I worked so I think they were a reaction to the stuff going on in the advocacy group. It reminds me of life in FOO. I can't say why rn. Too difficult to verbalise but it'll come I guess. I do know actually but when I try and form words, my brain goes blank.

Well,  :applause: to self for getting up, and for taking furbabies into garden, and for doing some garden work, and for relaxing in the garden - doing nothing but lie on a recliner. Pretty quick return to doing things, leaving a state of trauma-induced lethargy, EF or whatever it was.  :cheer:

 :hug:

I resonate so much with physical symptoms coming up and then going away as I move forward.  I hope you continue to find steps in the direction you are intending. 

It's full of wisdom to take a break and listen to your body as it was screaming at you about the advocacy group. Give it the time you need. Advocacy groups can be tricky and full of drama. You're doing great listening to yourself and speaking up when the time is right. 

Thank you Armee, good reminder about taking a break from that particular topic. Something I remind others of on here but harder to do for myself.

rainydiary, I now know that I will find those steps! Thanks for reminding me though :hug: 
I probably didn't know it yesterday. The EFs plummet me less deep and are getting shorter :cheer:

Today once again my business neighbour passed on a message from LL. LL sent me an email on Friday, which not so surprisingly did not end up in my inbox, and LL is coming to talk to me. In complete contravention to what both I and the Tenants' Rights Association have repeatedly demanded, for the last time from me just last week after similar information from business neighbour. Today's message is not throwing me for quite such a loop as in previous weeks. My T even said last week that it's OK to be loud versus LL, just not swear at him or call him any bad names. Not that I intended to, which T knew. But it was quite acceptable, necessary even to say something a little worse than "For Pete's sake!" to business neighbour last week but not much worse, LOUDLY. It included the word 'dam' spelled differently ;)  but was pretty mild in the scheme of things.

I still think I'm best off escaping to the farm for the afternoon to do some of the work I didn't manage to do yesterday due to psychosomatic aches and pains, and thereby avoiding LL. I have another phone appointment with Tenants' Rights Association tomorrow anyway. Feeling I need to avoid LL because I don't want to have to deal with him is a pain putting it mildly. It's also not fair that I feel hounded where I live AND work. But it is what it is for the moment.

hey, blueberry, sounds like the warrior princess is being given permission to come out and do her thing.  i'm glad of that - you've put up with this crapola for way too long.  good luck with the TRA today - i hope something gets settled for you.  sending love and a hug filled with rights and boundaries. :hug:

Uuuuuggghhh the power moves they are trying to play on you just pisses me off!!!! You're doing great being a little louder and standing firm for yourself.

Thank you both Armee and san!  :grouphug:

I guess it's all part of my process of learning to stick up for myself and set boundaries. It is pretty exhausting. otoh the threat of LL dropping by enabled me to cycle up to the farm lickety-split. I just grabbed roughly what I needed and got the he-double-hockeysticks out of here. Back home now. No idea if LL came in my absence or not.

It turns out LL didn't come. So he is playing games with business neighbour too aka lying. Unfortunately business neighbour still sees me as the black sheep in all this, not LL or himself.

As the toilet hygiene is dropping again, I pointed that out to business neighbour. He had a fit, it got loud on both sides. Now he says he doesn't want my electricity, he's going to throw out his new (second-hand) expensive machine, he's never going to speak to me again (a bit awkward but we've been through these phases before) and he's never going to clean the shared toilet again either, he's just going to let it get dirtier and dirtier. Little does he know that that is something over which I'm allowed to deduct part of the rent, whereas him bullying me about allowing him to share my electricity without my permission and without a written contract in advance is unfortunately not where I can deduct part of the rent.

My business neighbour's life motto seems to be: if I'm nice to you, then you have to do what I want. No way!!!

 :cheer:


He sounds so very awful and yet you are doing such a darn good job sticking up for yourself in this situation. Good job, BB!

Thank you Armee, I really appreciate it! Same as your comments about the advocacy group.

Tomorrow is the day that an afternoon event is taking place, run by our town, where I asked our leader-on-paper and our defacto leader if I would be allowed to go and represent our group. "Wonderful!" and "Thank you for your idea and your dedication" wrote leader-on-paper and then 1-2 days later proceeded to take over, without informing me. It would be normal in this advocacy group to plan together in advance, but apparently not with me. It's not the first time I've been cut from information. I've been in this advocacy group or other town's / countries' advocacy groups on this topic for 40 years. It really means a lot to me, but I just don't have the energy or the wherewithal to tackle this one, now. Nor do I feel I'll be able to work the way I'd like or the way I planned to tomorrow afternoon, so I'm planning on backing out, NOW. ICr is saying stuff about 'childish, petulant' etc but I just feel sad and not capable of standing up for myself tomorrow. If the men always want to be in control and not give me information, then they'll just all have to do all the work as well. I'm not going as uninformed assistant. I don't care much any more, a little bit yes, but I think that's ICr. I mean it's just not worth my while and energy to try and explain this one with a beginning EF.

I really do think if I'd been left to my own devices, I would have been able to do the work tomorrow on my own AND made an important contribution because it would be a useful to the town's women if a woman presented for once. Not all women see it that way, I do get that, but some women do.

Done it!
I feel sad :'( but if I can survive without 2 women I thought were very good friends, without the whole of FOO, then I can survive without being involved in this advocacy group, at this level anyway. This year a women's network was set up at a higher level and I'll probably contact them, even if just to say: "Thank you for doing this, I see why we need it."

Yesterday I ate one and a half packets of cookies instead of going to choir practice and today i stayed in bed instead of doing plenty I had intended to do and even wanted to. I haven't even eaten, drunk anything or taken my meds and am in danger of missing the next choir practice. Choir practice seems the least important but probably it would be help me most to get out and do something I enjoy.

Thinking of you.   If supportive, here is a :hug:

 :hug:

Get through this EF. There's an end. But for goodness sake feed yourself and drink something!!!  ;D :grouphug:

I'm sorry the advocacy group sort of shoved you out of the way. Once you're feeling stronger it'll probably be a little clearer how to handle this. But there are probably other great ways to make your contribution.

Thanks rainydiary, I saw your hug last night and it was really helpful.

Armee, by not drinking/eating I was back in how-to-show-FOO-my-protest mode - self-harm as the only way. I did drink tea last night and ate some stuff this morning.

Oh sure, I contribute in the advocacy group, but I'm actually planning to withdraw from that. Because I do not like the way I am being treated. I have spoken up about it before and they find excuses for it like difference of opinion though it is NOT a difference of opinion. It's like they don't even notice they're doing anything wrong, they don't even notice they're treating women differently from men, giving men power to make decisions or single-handedly alter decisions that had been reached democratically within the group. So I'm removing myself from the toxicity instead of sticking it out. I tried way too long to get FOO to see their own toxicity and I tried way too long in other groups. It's a step forward that I'm removing myself this early. 

Oh Blueberry! I'm sorry I was so careless in how I worded things here in your journal. I'll need to do better and when I don't have the energy to do better to know when to just offer a supportive hug.

I'm sad you were triggered into not eating or drinking and really happy to hear you were able to eat and drink a little.

The advocacy group sounds exhausting and insulting. I hope you can find another group or way to make your contribution without being harmed or mansplained.

Thank you Armee. Sometimes hugs are just the absolute best. Though I tend to write essays to other mbrs too instead of just hugs.
______________

I feel sad and messed up. Just too much going on I guess. My whole body is covered in itches. Idk if it's a psychosomatic reaction or what.
Last night I even had this voice in me saying that extended SI would be best. Not that I would do it. There's no danger of that. But it's still not especially pleasant hearing this voice. I want to give up but I can't. I have 3 students today - which is undoubtedly good for me - and my FurBabies need me too.

 :hug:

I understand what you are saying about the  intrusive voices and lack of actual desire for SI. I'm sorry you are having to deal with so much right now.

Thank you Armee  :hug: :hug:

It sounds as though you're having a hard time, Blueberry. It makes me want to wrap a soft blanket round your shoulders. I care about you.
:hug:

Thank you Armee and Snowdrop :hug: I hid in bed for most of the day so I suppose that's like having a soft blanket around my shoulders.

My T did suggest I speak my mind whether or not my 'audience' agrees, which is what I did last week in various instances especially the local advocacy group. It turns out some of the women in that group agree with me! They've made similar observations though for one reason or another they're not speaking up about it openly. I'm triggered back to B1's behaviour anyway. However, instead of reading in my paper Journal (where I write everything from therapy) what I could do about that, I was cowering in bed.

Now I need to shower, wash hair, find something decent to wear, administer own Covid test for first time ever and get up the road to a friend's 60th birthday party. I do want to go, it's just I'm having trouble with the necessary steps I just listed. I wish all those steps would just do themselves. Well, probably not because then I would lose my sense of agency. I went yesterday and helped with some of the set-up, but for that I didn't need to be washed, brushed, dressed etc. and tested.

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that you enjoy your friend's 60th Birthday party.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, I did enjoy my friend's birthday. But since then I'm back to hiding in bed. For all sorts of reasons, including me criticising myself for not seeming as normal as my friend's other friends. Not that anybody at the party or afterwards looked askance at me or anything like that. Just me looking askance at myself. And this particular friend accepts me for who I am, as opposed to the 2 others I fell out with this year.

I feel more as if I'm treading water than moving forwards, which is not surprising when I'm mostly hiding in bed. I tried the "What is the easiest beneficial thing I can do?" earlier and as a result at least I took my low-thyroid medication and got dressed, but then I went back to bed. I have lots of veg and salady stuff around that I could eat but I'm feeding it to my pets and craving sweet stuff.

Backing out of the advocacy group was maybe just too much when I had all this other stuff like latest FOO contact and those 2 other friendships I more or less ended hanging over me. otoh I just didn't think I could take any more of the advocacy group and in particular not going to do a whole afternoon's stint beside a man from the group who decided to take over from me without even asking me. I figured I was likely to not be in a good mood and it was better to stay away. I still haven't managed to contact the women's network which is on a state (as opposed to local) level, but I suppose that will happen when the time is right for me. The whole advocacy group thing at the local level seems to be triggering me. In some aspects reminding me of enF and in others of B1.

So, just having a moan and hoping if I write a bit, it might help me move forwards again.

Thinking of you as you seek a way forward.

You've got this. The low points sneak up and maybe laying in bed is what you most need right now?

You have made a lot of positive changes or efforts in the past few months: taking vacations, swimming and biking, having your godson over, speaking up for yourself many times...Sometimes I need a big recovery period when that happens, too.

:hug:

Thank you rainydiary and Armee  :hug: :hug:

I was thinking earlier it's a good time to write 3 Things that made me Happy Today:
1)  My Jerusalem artichokes/sunchokes are blooming
2) I went into the garden and smelt my rose
3) Drinking a nice hot cup of tea

and Things I Achieved
1) Finally got out of bed and stayed out of it
2) Joined in a guided tour of the town, which meant I was outside among other people and walking
3) I took my thyroid meds
4) Looked something up for a new student and sent it
5) Read in my paper Journal, among other things that when I feel frozen it's a good thing to stroke my head or tap it or that kind of thing because that helps get my brain going again. I haven't stopped SHing today but that did give me pause for thought about why I'm doing SH in the first place, or why my head is itchy all over.

I had a few Inspirational Ideas about literary translation (next steps), teaching (see no. 4 above) and my garden.

Quote from: Armee on September 20, 2021, 03:22:52 PM
You've got this. The low points sneak up and maybe laying in bed is what you most need right now?

You have made a lot of positive changes or efforts in the past few months: taking vacations, swimming and biking, having your godson over, speaking up for yourself many times...Sometimes I need a big recovery period when that happens, too.

:hug:

Thank you once again Armee  :hug:

I guess I just need a big recovery period. But I feel so annoyed at myself. Just lying about in bed/on sofa. Reading and dozing. Fortunately no students so far this week, for various reasons.

Read a little in The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker. It seems I have plenty of reason to be grieving: FOO, 2 friendships and now the advocacy group too. But instead of grieving, I'm covered in itches and feeling feverish. ICr is having a great time and I don't feel strong enough or maybe even motivated enough to tell ICr where to go or just to refute ICr.

When I read on the forum atm it seems quite a few of you are putting in lots of work and making big progress and I'm slipping back due to not working on self, at least that is what it feels like to me. Though I know and have said often enough myself that comparing isn't useful.

I seem to have come down with my old favourite: tonsilitis.

In therapy on Thursday we were working on whether it might be possible for me to take time off work because everything was too much emotionally or whether I actually needed to get some physical illness. It turns out the latter, I suppose.

Though I do remember that throatache and earache - old symptoms- used to come from speaking my truth OR from not speaking it ie. swallowing it down. Damned if you do, damned if you don't kind-of-thing. But I'm now too sick and exhausted to deal with that. I'm likely to be off the forum for a while unless the physical stuff disappears or I suddenly have some brainwave about it.

I remember you speaking about tonsillitis before, Blueberry. I hope you can get lots of rest. :hug:

 :hug:

Blueberry, I hope you find healing.  I was reading an earlier post you wrote about "audiences" and I had the thought that I keep a number of audiences inside.  My inner critic is a combination of a number of audiences real and imaginary I've experienced in my life.    I am also learning to say my thoughts to the audiences outside of myself.  It varies in how this goes but I do think sharing our unique perspective can be supportive to others even if we don't know it. 

I'm still theoretically in bed with tonsillitis, though rn I'm up. Thank you all for wishes for my rest and getting well.

Some thoughts or maybe feelings that repeatedly flit through my stupor: I feel lonely; no wonder I feel so down having thought I had a number of good friendships only to discover these aren't people who accept me for who I am; I think anybody on OOTS with a partner who behaved like me would get pretty annoyed at some point; otoh what am I worried about that for - I don't have a partner so it's a moot point; maybe I'm too hard on FOO (in my head). No way. I'm not, I'm just protecting myself.

So that's a good note to end on.

very good, blueberry.  i completely relate to having had friends who didn't accept me for me.  they've been eliminated.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

I'm going to tiptoe out on a limb and try a real response. If I'm way off base I am sorry Blueberry. I've noticed I've been misreading other people a lot lately - here and in real life. So here goes...

I'm sorry you have been sick. I hope you are feeling a little bit better today. it's interesting how specific behaviors or feelings can be related to real physical illnesses we get...whether it's tonsillitis, fibromyalgia, migraines, SIBO, etc.

I'm still very proud of you for speaking up even when there are repercussions for you, like tonsillitis. I hope eventually your body will learn it's ok and it doesn't need to give you tonsillitis to keep you quiet and safe. But I wish you didn't have to suffer at all for speaking up for yourself. That's not fair.

Quote from: Blueberry on September 25, 2021, 07:06:41 PM
I think anybody on OOTS with a partner who behaved like me would get pretty annoyed at some point; otoh what am I worried about that for - I don't have a partner so it's a moot point;

Even with a longtime loving marriage I still get caught up in that feeling and shame that I'm not good enough for him or for love. It sucks. We know cognitively it's not true but then there are these little girls deep down just trying to be perfect enough to be loved by their family. They never should have had to be perfect to feel loved.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and really feeling that no you are not being too hard on FOO.
  :cheer:

Blueberry, I am grateful you are here and able to share yourself here.  I appreciate you and your part of this community.  I hope you feel better soon. 

Thank you all for best wishes, appreciation and feeling proud of me and so on. I felt a little better yesterday, did too much and am now worse. But at least it's not Covid.

Quote from: Armee on September 26, 2021, 03:02:11 PM
Even with a longtime loving marriage I still get caught up in that feeling and shame that I'm not good enough for him or for love. It sucks. We know cognitively it's not true

Actually you're further on than I am Armee because I don't even know cognitively yet that it's not true for myself!
But don't worry or apologise please!! Your post is not off base :hug:

_________________________
There's a little more going on than speaking up for myself. I know from other people without cptsd that it's normal to think about your own mortality when your parents are getting older but I imagine that here or OOTF are about the only places where people wouldn't heap me with guilt and/or blame and shame about not leaping up and contacting my parents after hearing that they are indeed going a bit downhill health-wise. I think the information I've been given is true and not the kind of over-the-top narc stuff you read about on OOTF.

So my own mortality. Even though I'm about 30 years younger than both my parents, I immediately saw myself in both their shoes but in about 10 years - going mentally downhill in one case and physically in the other. But also with self-blame of course. I don't exercise enough - own fault. Mentally - well that's connected to cptsd - so I'm less self-blaming about that. But maybe I should/could work harder on my recovery. Then just to add to it, who's going to be there for me when I start going downhill? Though I know my GrM had just those worries despite having FOC around but they were there for her. Now I remember that handy phrase about 'not crossing your bridges till you get to them'!
NTS: btw not exercising enough is connected to cptsd in my case.

But being in this position and knowing that I don't have the network of friends I thought I had is tough too. It makes sense though. My T has occasionally made remarks like "You have friends who treat you like that? You have friends who say those kinds of things to you?" and I'd nod. I guess it is a kind of strength that I can now see what he means and have started doing something about it. I also guess that it's not surprising that a number of so-called friends have turned out that way because I haven't gone through that particular period of recovery yet. I'm just starting it. Until now I was somehow seeing recovery from cptsd as just setting limits to FOO + clients + neighbours + ll + people I don't like and that my friends meant well with me. And now I don't see it so black-and-white. My friends had / have yet to be tried. Even if you like people, you can and should set limits. Otherwise knowingly or not, they go over those limits.

Another thing: I've had my eye on children's literary translation for a while. I'm registered for an upcoming seminar so have been trying my hand on particular books I've had my eye on for a while. At least on days I've been feeling better or before I felt really bad. I hadn't expected it to be so difficult. Especially the sentences that didn't seem to have any special difficulty in them. But it is. My ICr had a good time asking why I've never been driven to attain this goal and why I expect things to just fall into place without any work. B1 drops by in my imagination. People in FOO, even in extended FOO, talked about work, opportunities, success etc just dropping into his lap. I don't know whether things just dropped into his lap or not, but I think in my own nuclear FOO there wasn't much drivenness especially not from my parents and not much work ethic really either. I think I don't have much drivenness or ability/will to work hard either. I don't know how much of that is caused by depression, cptsd, intergenerational trauma. Though people around me especially in group therapy and places like that always say that I work really hard. So I don't know.

With the literary translation I was partially waiting till some point in the future where I could handle a bunch of rejections better. That is, the rejections when you start sending a synopsis of the book and a trial translation of a small part of it to publishing companies. But now I realise there are all sorts of other problems to contend with - the translation skills themselves - and if I got that far - seeing my name on the book because then my translation would have to be perfect! Lots of people have great fun finding mistakes in literary translations, myself included I admit.

So a whole load of realisations, some of them rather painful. Plus ICr (always painful) and then I'm not sure where the truth lies in those realisations and how much is ICr. Though I do know that in time I will become more aware of where the truth lies.

Some good things from August-September I probably haven't stressed enough for myself:

I did finally go on a hike I've been meaning to for a few years

The one time I actually went to therapy (instead of doing it via video), I took my bike with me and cycled a little part of the way back, following part of a little river I always caught a glimpse or two of from the train. Again something I'd had my eye on for a few years. :)

I'm not good at finding my way, but I noticed I was doing a lot better on that bike ride than in previous years :cheer: (In my summer holidays I was always following an actual designated cycle route instead of wanting to get from A to B via various paths and roads)

Actually I'd been putting off doing the hike because I had been worried about not finding my way though the route is supposedly well sign-posted and then I also had some fear/anxiety I couldn't put a name to. The anxiety had miraculously disappeared :cheer:  I really noticed that right at the beginning of the hike. So that's a real plus. That's one of these bonuses where I don't work directly on a problem and I recover from it anyway. The route wasn't totally well sign-posted imo but I found my way anyway :thumbup: The best memory I have is sitting at the top of a long steep hill having a rest, watching a butterfly and not worrying about anything :)

All the playing I did on my summer holiday bike trips! I found swings and hammocks along the way where I spent up to half an hour each time. So I didn't even have to make a special trip to a place 30km from home where there are public hammocks you can lie in and rock yourself to and fro because I found some right next to the bike route :thumbup: Playing is important for the IC parts of me! Of course all that time in the water too.

atm I'm having an enforced break which I apparently need.

Smelling my roses in the garden.

In retrospect I really enjoyed having my godson here and think I did well.

i'm on a break as well, blueberry.  i'd love to smell those roses with you, if that would be cool.  mmm, maybe a trip to the porch would be a good thing.  love and hugs, my dear.

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing about the reasons for putting off the hike.  I go through that too and it often stops from me from trying something because I am so afraid of getting it wrong.  I'm glad you found your way and that you've had these playful experiences. 

I feel like I could have written that post myself Blueberry! I love hiking but often panic about getting lost.

I appreciate all your responses, especially at a time like this when I'm ill so less contact with people in general and there's all that stuff going on consciously and subconsciously.  :grouphug:

Another few Good Things from today and further back:

Today: I took some books along to the neighbourhood book shelf today so there's a bit more space on my shelves
I finally dealt with something at the bank that absolutely had to be done
I did some vocabulary work for myself
I took my meds and made tea

Yesterday: I cleared out a bunch of emails

Further back: Hey, I got myself a new (used) bike of a kind that's fun for me to ride and comfortable - so I ride more often! It was a really good choice I made there. NTS. Pat self on back.
Finally arranged a doc appt I've been intending to for months

may i join in giving you a pat on the back.  sounds like you accomplished some really wonderful things, blueberry.  hope you're feeling better.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san. :hug: I'm feeling better bit by bit.

____________
What I also accomplished last night in the middle of the night: EFT for the first time in a while. Just on the top of my head rather than all the spots but it worked. I immediately started yawning, which is a form of tension release for me.

I did a little gardening today since I have some plants that have needed to be planted since before I got ill. I got one of them in the soil anyway. Then I stopped :thumbup: because I felt tired. Good self-care :thumbup:

I sat in the sun in my kitchen playing Patience/solitaire over and over again while things sorted themselves out in my head and feelings re: one of no-longer-friends. I'm still not capable of writing what all was sorting, but it's a step having those things slotting into place while playing Patience.

I realised that I got ill because I had too much of a backlog of emotions needing to be dealt with before I continued on with professional work, cleaning my apartment, throwing things out etc etc. So my T was correct.  :)

hey,

i've often found that playing games like solitaire are the perfect background for my mind to realize, rest, relax - whatever is needed.  i'm just glad you've found that for yourself.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Yes, I also relate to doing something like Patience (in my case, lately it's been 'dot-to-dots') to process things safely in the background of a calming activity. 

It's great that you did your EFT and released some tension.    Plus your gardening.  Your self-care, it comes across in what you wrote.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :)  Yes, I remember about your dot-to-dots. I really like the way you phrase that "process things safely in the background of a calming activity". That really makes sense to me.

_____________

I realised today that I'm on the verge of collapse. I'm no longer ill but just oh so tired and with all sorts of aches and pain and sometimes very slow thinking process e.g. yesterday before I put my feet in my slippers I had to consciously look at them and see "there's the right slipper, so I need to put my right foot into it" and ditto for the left whereas normally I would automatically stick each foot in the correct slipper without needing to contemplate them first.

The 'verge of collapse' is not a thing of a day or two. No, it feels as if I need to be really careful for a number of weeks. atm I don't have many students. Earlier I was thinking I should put a sign up in my window that I could take new students on as of Oct. 15th, but now I think with the number of things backlogged (business, private, and recovery processing I need to do and even want to), that would just be a recipe for another collapse. Better for me to decide not to take on any new students before November.

I no longer feel emotionally threatened by ll and business neighbour. Business neighbour has given up on his electricity plans so I don't hear anything from him or ll. It's likely that all that stuff going on for weeks, months even - the uncertainty in general and never knowing whether ll was going to come unannounced in the middle of my work and the complete illogical nonsense business neighbour was spouting took a real toll on me though and now that it seems over, it has hit me how bad it all was. Or something like that. It's hard for me to put these feelings into words. Maybe - my relief that it seems over is more cognitive than felt. My feelings haven't completely processed yet and can't relax completely yet? Something like that.

Yesterday and today I also felt angry at no-longer-friend no. 2 for telling me all those things she did about not liking my attitudes etc etc at a time when I was dealing with no-longer-friend no. 1. First of all yesterday I had some sarcastic remarks going on in my head, but when I remembered that the sarcasm is to cover up feelings, I managed to feel into my emotions: anger. Maybe I'll write a Recovery Letter on here. That might help. I have actually already expressed annoyance to her although I'm not sure she knew I was annoyed. Well, I guess I didn't actually really express it. I did not say: I am annoyed. I merely requested that she doesn't decide out of the blue to dump criticism on me again just for the fun of it when I'm obviously in a bad way already anyway. 'Kicking somebody when they are down' is what I said. She thought my request was a bit harsh :stars:

I have a seminar in literary translation in about 10 days and am busy working on some translations to send in in advance. I'm giving that priority over many other things rn. The practice with different texts is doing me good. Yesterday I bought a bookstand to sit next to my computer while I translate which makes translating pages from an actual book so much easier! But even next time I'm working from a paper document it will be easier than having it lying on my desk beside the computer. I feel ashamed to say that I'd looked into buying one 3 years ago. Behind the feeling ashamed is: sadness. It's sad that this is what my pace is like (I always have to pace myself with everything) so things often don't get done for aaaages. It's sad that I feel ashamed of the repercussions of my cptsd (having to pace so much, among other things).

One definite piece of progress :cheer: is that I'm willing and able to spend money on things that are going to make a difference e.g. this bookstand despite hardly any turnover atm and zero profit Sept/Oct. Along with this, I'm feeling more relaxed about my finances in general though there has been no change in them. It's a change in me. :)

A super important NTS: the week before I got ill I ended up in a really bad EF, in fact probably several EFs interlayered with each other, i.e. beginning to move out of one and being hit by an additional one and then another. But I didn't recognise it all for what it was. This is a little difficult to formulate, but please fellow OOTS mbrs who are reading this, if I'm writing things like: I keep going back to bed, my ICr is on the rampage, I want to give up etc etc I'm open to gentle suggestions that I might be in a huge EF! Of course it's my job to notice for myself. I don't want to put any onus on anybody else, that wouldn't be fair. But don't hesitate for any reasons like BB has been on the forum so long she must know herself cuz unfortunately I don't always. Thank you. This forum is the best. What would I do without you all?  :grouphug:

my dear blueberry, so very sorry you're down for the count right now.  sending a bouquet of lilacs and daisies to help bring a bit of brightness to your day. 

also wanted to thank you for all you do on this forum.  you're wonderful.  love and hugs :hug:

Oh Blueberry,

I wish I could help you get cozy, make you some tea, and give you what you need to huddle down for a long restorative rest.

I've been feeling the same way and it is unsettling. Like you, I'm trying to clear stuff off my plate to honor what my mind and body are telling me they need.

Thank you for telling us what would be helpful if we see signs an EF is in play.

Thank you san for those lovely flowers and the love.  :hug: :hug: right backatcha.

Armee, you helped me get tea for myself and spend most of the day cozy in bed! Your post is also validating my need to have a pretty long period of rest, which in turn helps me to err on the side of caution e.g. about letting students return and about going back up to the farm for my off-and-on work there. So thank you! You're the best!  :thumbup:   

I'm sorry to hear you feel like you're in a similar situation. I hope you can give yourself what you need too  :hug: :)

Hi Blueberry,
I also like the sound of a 'pretty long period of rest' - it sounds really good.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :)
I'm actually being quite active, considering it's a period of rest!

I get it now though. I need to do activities that help stabilise me. These can be (1) things that bring me joy. Or (2) activities where I'm physically engaged without it being something that tends to trigger me. I also need to get back into a position (3) where I feel 'part of the group' IRL. Or rather part of several groups, so not an outcast after having said 'No' and set various boundaries and seen that some long-term friends are in fact not friends. So doing activities where I can feel part of the group without doing too much, expecting too much of myself etc.

Yesterday I went to choir practice: JOY and accepted part of the group. Also some physical engagement involved in singing and in getting there
Today I cycled about 20km there and back to collect a second-hand, out-of-print book from somebody: physical engagement (cycling); JOY at cycling and at seeing the passing countryside and looking at the book.
Yesterday I went to a boardgames group I used to go to regularly. This was the first time since Corona that it has taken place: accepted part of the group; joy.
Today I didn't get out of bed till noon. I accepted that I needed the rest. I accomplished a lot yesterday, so today I needed some recuperation :)
Today and Tuesday and Sunday I let some people dig up a few of my excess plants and take them off to their own gardens. This helps me feel an accepted part of society because I'm doing something beneficial for other people. I'm also happy that I now have more space in my garden for other plants and that I got this space after other people did the too-much-for-me physical work with the spade ;) JOY.

 :grouphug:

:cheer: For doing activities that brought you joy and/or a feeling of belonging.

Blueberry, your entry really resonated with me.  I am glad to read about your joys and identifying ways to feel connection.

 :cheer:

JOY!!!

It's such a welcome feeling. I love when it visits and i love that you are actively cultivating it.

you are amazing, blueberry.  so glad you are finding moments and activities that bring joy to your life.  you deserve it so very much.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you all  :grouphug:

I've been cultivating JOY on and off for years. Maybe about 10 or 12 years ago I wrote Daily Joys in a little book every evening for months. I still have all my little books, but I know without reading them what consistently brings me joy. Sometimes I go back to consciously looking for it and at least noting it consciously in my mind.

Identifying ways to feel connection is newer, but it has been helpful. It seems, touch wood, that I'm out of my EF, but I can still feel how much I need to keep grounding, catching up with things, but not doing too much, resting and recuperating. Also making sure I keep a good balance between catching up with things that are joy-enducing and/or grounding and things that are more difficult, even potentially triggering e.g. a bunch of letters and emails I intend to write sometime.

It was a lovely sunny day today, probably the last sunny autumn weekend where garden work can still be appealing. So I spent the afternoon and early evening there, joined by my little 4-legged furry lawnmowers, last weekend for them too I'm sure.

finding that balance can take a while, for sure.  it's like an experiment, testing this water, then that, to see which works for you, which is refreshing, which quenches your thirst, being careful not to spill all over yourself.  sounds like you're making progress.  so glad to see that.  sending love and a hug filled with eureka moments! :hug:

Thank you san  :hug:

____________________
Today I'm really tired and can't-be-bothered. I have a bunch of Coulds on my Highly Necessary + Could list. Haven't even done all the Highly Necessaries never mind made much of an indent on the Coulds. Sat in the sun at my kitchen table playing Patience over and over again. I guess I needed that so I'm accepting the activity.

I'm probably a little triggered again because I had some guarded contact with both No-longer-friends yesterday. One just on the subject of talking to my godson which I then subsequently did. But then it occurred to me that he will notice that I didn't ask to speak to him M afterwards. He's not stupid, he must notice that his M and I are having some friendship issues. The other one dropped by at my invitation actually to collect a bunch of herbs of which too many are growing in my garden. I realised by the time she went away that it will now be harder for me to write what I intended to but have not yet had the wherewithal.

I've also been eating more than I should but that didn't resolve anything. No big surprise there, but shows me there's something going on emotionally/psychologically that I could do EFT on or put up my imaginary Screen or otherwise process.

I also intended to clean the business toilet yesterday or this early morning but I didn't manage either. I know there's some issue there, something triggering from the past, but I don't know what it is. On Saturday when I was in my office with my windows wide open to let in the sunshine and warm air, business neighbour dropped by with a book for me to read, something like 'Conversations with God' and about tone of voice and how you speak to people. He claimed to have read it in his native language and now I'm supposed to read it in the local language. I turned his 'present' down and he went away swearing under his breath. I'm sick of people assuming I need to change and not seeing that they're part of the equation too :pissed: Maybe that triggered me a bit too because business neighbour dropping by means he hasn't given up on his plans with my electricity outlet after all and is still trying to get me to do things for him and act the way he wants me too. "If I offer to help you (even if you don't need help), then you have to do what I want." seems to be his motto. :pissed: :no: :no: :no: No wonder that's maddening to the point of triggering me.

Tomorrow I have a business-related workshop all day. Everybody had to hand in some work in advance. I received all the excerpts today and ICr got going at once. In spite of that and feeling self-conscious about my submitted work, I am looking forward to it.

blueberry, i sincerely hope you can be gentle with yourself as you go thru this.  sending love and a hug filled with self-worth :hug:

Thank you san, those are good wishes.  :hug:

Oh my goodness I am in shock by your business neighbor's attempted gift!!!!! And way to go turning that nonsense down!!!

Sitting at the kitchen table in the sun is my ultimate goal in life. It sounds amazing! When i imagine my perfect life, that has always been it.

I thought about writing on here yesterday but didn't know what to write. I thought I really 'should' know how to move on from where I felt stuck without writing about it. Although I know that writing about it on here often helps me move on. Yesterday I did some difficult work and I did it well considering. I realised that my fear of doing it was far worse than actually doing it. The clients would like me to do further work for them though there are actually people better qualified around here imho. Two people. But one of them told the clients that she can't do it, so she obviously doesn't think she's better qualified and the other didn't respond to their queries, so that obviously doesn't endear her to them.

I should have sent my bill yesterday or today but I haven't. I did read the latter posts in my thread entitled I Deserve my Pay over on the Employment board but I was still thinking I should reduce my costs. Because it was easier than expected :stars:  When those clients need me again in about 8 weeks, it's actually likely to be a bit harder, but take less time. So why not stick with what I stipulated? They agreed to it after all!

My business-related workshop on literary translation went quite well actually. It was exhausting. It's hard for me to concentrate all day even with breaks. It's hard for me to think quickly on the spot. I also noticed I was a bit more defensive about my work than others were. At least one time I made a jocular remark to deflect somebody's well-meant suggestion instead of maybe asking him to explain more what he meant. So those are just things to note for myself. There's part of me who'd like to practice and practice and part who wants to give up. Today the 'give up' part won. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I also have one appointment so I have to get up for that. That might then help me to stay up.

I also didn't take any of my medicine today. Though yesterday I found and bought a pair of new shoes that fit and are comfortable. That's always very difficult for me to find. I desperately needed new shoes.

Armee, I didn't even sit at the table in the sun today, maybe tomorrow. Sometimes it is a good thing to do but otoh there are so many things I ought to be doing rn including cleaning up said kitchen...

san, that's a good wish for me. Feel my self-worth, be gentle with myself - both work better than haranguing myself to get on with things.

It's also worth reminding myself that some things that used to be really difficult and really time-consuming are no longer e.g. showering so good to connect with the part of modern-day me who doesn't get tired and overwhelmed and then just go and do it! I mean I did manage to clean the business toilet after all as well as some other areas that are always mine to do! :applause:

Hi Blueberry,

I hope your appointment went ok, I know you had that yesterday. 

Great that you found those shoes that fit you well and are comfortable. 

:hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, yes, my appointment went OK, better than expected even.

I spent the weekend hiding in bed, I didn't even eat really, though I did drink quite a lot of tea. I had decided it would be good to take a break from reading and writing on here and get on with things. That obviously didn't work out though. I felt ashamed all weekend, ashamed of being me and not doing things.

to my mind, that's the darkest shame of all - ashamed of being oneself.  i'm glad for you to take time off when you feel it's the thing to do - i think it's one of the best examples of self-care possible.  i hope you continue to do what feels best for you, and pooh on any old messages that say there's something wrong with you.  love and hugs, blueberry :hug:

🌻

I hate the shame. You're enough just as you are Blueberry. Even if you don't get out of bed and just drink tea. Ibwas thinking about that yesterday how I feel so so so much shame and yet...didn't do anything wrong? Not really. Why do all these good kind kind people feel ashamed?

Thank you san and Armee for your support. It helps me realise part of what the shame is. It's being ashamed of hiding in bed and not doing things. Shame isn't generally very helpful, but it is a step forward to feel ashamed of doing or not doing something instead of feeling a blanket shame about myself.

The real problem is not getting on with healing steps. As wonky as it sounds, when I don't take those steps, I don't do self-care (much) either. So it's not so much a case of me taking all my meds, drinking and eating regularly and making sure I get out of bed and go to bed at normal times, it's more a case of my getting up the courage and perseverance to e.g. write a number of emails, letters and bills I need to and then things will flow again. Well, I have written one invoice plus accompanying email this evening. It took an hour, but at least it is done.

The invoices are once again difficult but the worst things are writing emails to explain what I feel and/or what needs to be changed between me and various people i.e. what of their behaviour I'm no longer willing to put up with. My T knows and has said often enough that the more I hold that to my chest and do not express it (ex- in this case has to do with 'out' or 'outwards') the more I stifle and block myself. I feel ashamed to have not got on with any of these over the past 4 weeks since last therapy. So it feels like I'm just waiting for somebody else to do it, which is what I've been accused of in the past by non-trauma-informed or not properly trauma-informed therapists.

When I think about the behaviour of other people, I just get all tangled up in knots in my head and have no clarity. 'Other people' - that is the two 'no-longer-friends' to whom I still want to say something. They are the hardest because they have already both intimated: "enough already" and "let's move on" without giving me time to say what I want or feel I need to.

I know I've said to myself I should maybe write a rough draft on here on Recovery Letters but then I don't. Well, that might help. However. First another invoice or two. 

It seems I just need this place (OOTS) to write, even though it's often just lists of what I've accomplished that I think I 'should' just be able to write in my paper Journal. Oh, there's that should again.

So I completed all my invoices and some other odd bits and pieces that were lying around. So, at least they're done and no longer held back by those other letters and emails which are either explaining or reiterating things or lying down some sort of boundary. I have actually been getting better at that, but it kind of comes and goes. I mean, boundary-setting has been easier some time this summer/autumn but then got difficult again. Also boundary-setting and then continuing with life and not feeling ashamed or 'too much' or somehow 'not normal'. 'Normal' would mean acting the way the people I'm in conflict with seem to think I should. Oh, there's that 'should' again.

I've just been at this whole rigamarole for so long! Years ago in therapy, people tried to get me to change my way of dealing with other people i.e. by weighing my words and being 'normal' e.g. by speaking instead of writing. Whereas now my T is encouraging me to do it however I can best do it, but DO IT. Not that he shouts or yells. He says once I have been doing it with a fair amount of ease for a while then it will get easier and I will be able to do it 'normally' bit by bit, but so long as I need to gear myself up for it and then write it, then that's what I can do. He said a long time ago he didn't think EMDR would work for me - he thought the risk of that turning up even more and blindsiding me was just too great, since that had happened ad nauseam in the past.

So I think now that what he is getting at is: in friendships, in 'work relationships' with clients or whoever, in any other dealings with people I end up in a relationally abusive situation, as a scapegoat, again and again and again, and the only way out of that is to stand my ground and speak up for myself, speak my truth, never minding what anybody else says or thinks. Very New Thoughts from rn. A bit scary. I wish I could just do some trauma therapy, though I could of course do some EFT or Screen Processing, but I haven't been doing that...

I appreciate your reflection on how you use your journal here.  I am always grateful for what you offer here.

That is a lot of accomplishment today! I'm glad you are here writing down these things. It's more than a list, I think. To me, it feels like planting a flag in the ground and claiming your right to be, your right to be productive, or not productive, and to express what you need.

Working on speaking or writing up for yourself seems so important because that's something you need to end the cycle of people using and abusing you.

Thank you rainydiary and Armee. What you write encourages me a bit. I slept better last night, particularly because of the letter I wrote over on Recovery Letters. Then having also read https://www.bustle.com/articles/172378-11-ways-to-break-up-with-a-toxic-friend-no-matter-how-hard-it-seems (which is listed already under Info/Resources) - this helps me see that this type of break-up can be really hard-hitting as well as a romantic break-up. That helps me go easy on myself.

I spent all weekend hiding under a blanket shivering and even though I finally turned my heating on today, I spent the afternoon and early evening under a blanket with the feeling that I was shivering for emotional reasons instead of with cold. At least when I wasn't  :zzz: :zzz: So that's the other thing - once again, it is really tiring processing the end of these friendships! Although it is of course my job to set friends a limit and would be good if I learned to do it earlier and with more oomph so they actually take it seriously, still - these aren't great friends if they think it's OK to dump so much stuff on me that I'm exhausted for weeks and even months after. I mean, the breach with the second one came about because she was taking the side of the first one and trying to get me to see that one's side. Thanks.

I remember on my earlier posts probably also on Recovery Letters, I could only write my sarcastic thanks to FOO. I couldn't feel the anger and hurt, and I certainly couldn't direct it at them in those letters I wasn't even going to send. I'm shaking my head at the destruction caused by M and F and how friends could possibly think it's OK to try to get me to see my part in it, while these friends are apparently not seeing their parts in our friendships falling apart.

But you're right Armee, working on speaking up for myself and writing either to these people or on here or both is so important so that I don't keep being used and abused. 

I find it hard personally to see what I allow to happen to me in friendships. 'Friendships'. My T saw quite a while ago but he leaves me my time to notice these things on my own, which is GOOD. Because at other times, Ts used to overwhelm me all the time with questions on comments, which mostly backfired and sent me spinning and/or exploding. Then they'd say: "What happened there? Just a few (harmless) words sent you off." :pissed: :pissed: :'(   I hope they have all since retired or learnt a lot more about trauma-informed therapy.

I am reading some other mbrs' posts these past few days but I feel too drained to respond much.  :grouphug:

Blueberry,

I read your letter and it is hard to imagine a "friend" doing what yours did to you. They are not listening to you or supporting you. They don't have your back. What happens to you with friends reminds me of how hard it was for me to hear what my T was trying to tell me early on. I kept getting triggered and having my fears escalated because I had so many people in my life who were suicidal. I thought it was my fault there was something wrong with me and it was my job to fix myself and save them.

He kept saying that I was attracting these people to me like flies because we tend to repeat these patterns. I thought for at least a year he was saying it was my fault these people were like that. I finally understand what he was trying to say. It wasn't my fault they were like that. It's just that my personality kept me from setting the right boundaries that would keep me from being drawn in and manipulated with threats. It wasn't my fault, but I was failing to set boundaries that protect me and respect my needs. And so time and again I'd be in the same position, reenacting the original trauma with my mom. Not my fault I'm just trying to be a kind person. The balance comes with trying to be true to my nature but also protecting myself.

I'm sorry if none of that was helpful or clear. It just took me so long to not take offense at what he was saying and to start to let the truth of it in. Not my fault but I have to take care of myself. Like you are saying for you and with friends...strong unapologetic boundaries and limits early on. You're doing great work, Blueberry. It's sad people would do that to you. You who give so much.

Quote from: Armee on October 19, 2021, 11:24:00 PM
I read your letter and it is hard to imagine a "friend" doing what yours did to you. They are not listening to you or supporting you. They don't have your back.

Thank you so much for writing that, Armee, but also for not writing it before I'd more or less come to this conclusion myself. Yes, these two 'friends' are not listening to me. They are not supporting me. One of them thinks she is - the irony! - but she isn't. Idk exactly what the other one thinks.

Quote from: Armee on October 19, 2021, 11:24:00 PM
I kept getting triggered and having my fears escalated because I had so many people in my life who were ... I thought it was my fault there was something wrong with me ...

Those two thoughts stand out for me. Yes, I keep getting triggered by friends or just my anxiety goes up and/or I think I have to explain myself and my actions. Explaining myself is a re-enactment of my life with FOO where I explained and explained to no avail. I've even explained as an adult relatively recently but FOO gaslights in various ways. They play with me basically and my friends so-called know quite a lot of this but still think better communication on my part or mediation could help the situation.  :no: :no: :no:
So they are seeing something WRONG IN ME. They don't see or even acknowledge how much is wrong with my parents' behaviour and how that not only helped form me but also traumatised me. For the moment I still feel flabbergasted but I think the anger will come. Anger at 'friends' for criticising me for behaviour traits that developed through traumatisation but those same friends think I should be more tolerant of FOO and their behaviour that caused the traumatisation.  :pissed: :pissed:

It was really clear what you wrote Armee! Helpful too of course. My 'friends' are acting like my brothers and the one SIL. They see where I go wrong (in their eyes) but they have no inkling of their contribution to the situation ie. that they are treating me badly and one has decided I have a different definition of friendship from her because she believes in communication, even with people who have hurt her (without noticing btw that I also still communicate with FOO just not the way FOO always wants). I sense that with her 'different definition' she means 'right definition' or maybe 'adult definition' whereas my saying she has to choose between me and FOO - well, she sees that as immature, wrong. Something I should grow out of.  :'( :'(

They say over on OOTF: Don't JADE. But that's what I do, I Justify, I Defend my actions and decisions and I Explain over and over again, trying to be heard, as I tried to be heard in FOO but it isn't working, it doesn't work. It doesn't work with these friends either because, yeah, they don't have the same definition of friendship that I have and they don't understand relational trauma though they think they do.

It's hard for me to believe that there are people out there who behave differently IRL (it is different on the forum imho because we don't see and hear each other in 3-D so to speak and don't have any of the normal conflicts that just happen when 2 or more people live, play, work together). I suppose I'm pretty much a Fawn in relationships though sometimes I switch to Fight. Other people tend to see the Fight. Sometimes I'm Freeze as well. In fact, maybe the Fawn is really just a Freeze? Going back into the role of a traumatised child without even noticing I'm re-enacting that. What did I do as a child when I wasn't JADE-ing? I disappeared, I made myself small, I silently agreed with other people, I didn't speak my mind. And that's what I mostly did with 'wrong definition of friendship' friend. About certain things I could speak my mind but if the opposite or even just a different nuance was important to her, she'd shut me up. She knows how. Not that she ever even said 'shut up' or 'be quiet' the way M does/did but when she sets a boundary, I recognise it. She doesn't even recognise mine. I don't think that's all my fault. I think there is some arrogance going on she thinks she knows better than me and doesn't accept I have legitimate boundaries.

There's worse but I have to take a break for a while.

This isn't actually the continuation though connected. atm I'm uncertain about whether to go to T or switch to video after all. I'd really like to go in person but we have a nation-wide storm warning and there are a couple of places on the railway line with trees which are liable to fall onto the line. Though the storm warning isn't quite as bad in this region as in others. Still a bird in the hand (video) is probably worth two in the bush.

Anyway, between keeping an eye on the storm developments, I decided to have a little read on OOTF and found this under the Do Nots: Don't sustain any situation or relationship where you do not have the option to say "no" where it is reasonable to do so. Nobody who is a true friend will demand "yes" 100% of the time. Healthy relationships are two-way streets - not one-way streets and anyone who is a true friend or who truly loves you will give as much as they receive. With one of the two 'friends', I don't have the option to say "No" in certain circumstances which I think are very important. Yes, I can say 'no, I don't want to see that movie, I'd prefer to see a different one.' Or 'No, dropping by at 4pm won't work, but I could come at 3pm or in 2days etc'. But where my 'No' is not acceptable to her is when I am defending myself or standing up for myself.  (I start breathing out angrily, the way my T has suggested and has practised with me in his office). Sometimes in these situations, I haven't said 'No' in so many words but I'm showing and/or expressing that I disagree with certain behaviour of third-parties, but 'friend' thought it was appropriate to squash my impulse(s). And although this 'friend' would undoubtedly think and say that she is giving and giving and giving and up until recently I would have thought so too and did sometimes feel a burden or just that I didn't give enough of concrete things like invitation to dinner at my place or something and then felt guilty or ashamed, I'm now seeing that with the two-way street they mention, it's important for both parties to receive and that receiving could also mean hearing and accepting a limit. I do that for her, she doesn't do it for me. So in that respect I give far too much of things I should not be giving anybody else - my autonomy, power and decision-making over myself, my future. I can't remember who came up with the saying 'Watch your thoughts, they become your words, your deeds, your character...' The flip-side just invented by me rn: Watch your thoughts, they might become the words you don't say, the deeds you don't carry out and then a character trait of powerlessness, learned helplessness, victim-status. All of which have a powerful impact on my future.

Blueberry, I hope the storm in your area passed without too much trouble.  I also appreciate the reminder of OOTF - that forum supported me before I understand CPTSD.  It is a great resource. 

Quote from: Blueberry on October 18, 2021, 07:19:38 PM
It seems I just need this place (OOTS) to write, even though it's often just lists of what I've accomplished that I think I 'should' just be able to write in my paper Journal. Oh, there's that should again.

You write much more than lists of accomplishments on OOTS, but even if that was all you wrote, it would be okay. For those of us with c-PTSD, there are days when doing certain tasks takes Herculean effort. Those things are worthy of being shared and  :applause:. Other times the tasks are just too much, and you are worthy of care and compassion.

Also, hearing how much anger, pain, and energy the issues with your friends is taking.

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you are safe and sound following the storm.   :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:

 :yeahthat:

:hug:

Thinking about you Blueberry

Thanks everybody  :wave: :hug:

So, back in the library. Those few days of high energy and the ability to use it for me and my plans are both over. On Tues I was at my doc's and he reminded me with a question that that might happen. I'm grateful he reminded me.

Today I managed to stay up during the morning instead of going back to bed :thumbup: :cheer: I went down into the garden and removed frost covering from some flowers which are still budding and blooming. I cut some of them and brought them in for vases in both office and apartment. Then did a few other things, can't even remember what. But in the afternoon I succumbed again - back to bed. I slept a few hours with somewhat crazy dreams, in a disturbing way of course. Processing stuff though so all to the good.

There was an attempt to re-install phone/Internet on Tues but it didn't work. They needed a loooong ladder but didn't have one and nor do I. It may also take quite a while to set it up again. I'll keep checking back on here but only briefly skimming some other posts and not responding much because there are other things I need to research online on library Internet.  :) :grouphug:

 :hug:  do what you need to do, blueberry

 :wave:

Finally! Internet and telephone are working again :cheer:

 :cheer:

Hooray! That was a long time! Take it easy on yourself as you catch up with life.

Thank you Armee, that's a good reminder to go easy on myself. I was at therapy today. I was actually meant to go the day of the windstorm but that didn't pan out because I was too worried to get the train, and then I couldn't do a video appointment either. "So" my T remarked this morning "you've been going through a difficult period?". Yes you could say so. But actually his comment/question was helpful because it - What's the word I'm looking for? - it was validating and I don't always get that from Ts or anybody else, at least about things being difficult. My T is otherwise very validating. But then I've been going through these other non-validating situations, very non-validating. e.g. with those ex-friends and with LL about business neighbour and so on.

What I managed to feel and express in T is anger. Anger towards FOO and towards those ex-friends. My T explained how much it made sense for me to ignore and/or belittle my own emotions in FOO in the far distant past because expressing them in any way or even mentioning them brought verbal and intellectual and emotional abuse from parents and physical from B1. So of course it was better to hide them, swallow them down or just not feel them at all. Now as I'm beginning to really move out of that, well, it's like the Empire Strikes Back when I try. But it makes sense to stick at it, even in small steps, baby steps, tiny steps but keep going. And keep feeling physically and emotionally what's going on.

Today in T, the physical reactions and impulses came first as they usually do. After that I can try and feel the emotion(s) behind them or if that's really too difficult, imagine what emotion I might possibly be feeling. Today it was clear though: anger. Anger towards parents, anger towards those ex-friends, anger towards the men in the club I'm in who brush me aside either because I'm me or because I'm a woman. Or more likely because of both.

Another thing I've realised before came up again: I spent months, years even building up resiliency and even activities that give my joy, give me the will to live and maybe a reason to. It was a lot of work to get to the point where singing in the choir is helpful, and that wasn't just work on my voice and on my ear - it was emotional/psychological as well. Choir is just one example, there are others too. I notice now how much work went into showering and hair-washing - just keeping going with that semi-regularly - I notice now because it doesn't take so long anymore and doesn't take up so much energy. It used to take a lot longer because ??? ??? I can't really say but the point is, it did.

A long while ago - mind blanked out. What did I want to write?? Hmm. Maybe it will come back, in fact it probably will.

I more or less took a break from the forum for the 3 weeks minus a day that I was without W-LAN. At first it seemed a Good Thing giving me more time to Get On With Things but latterly I went back to playing multiple rounds of Patience/Solitaire, going back to bed etc with that time/energy, where honestly I think it would have been more useful for me to read and write on here. So now I understand that breaks from here aren't necessarily the most useful for me though they might well be for other mbrs. This forum is one of my Tools, a place that gives me energy and the validation I so badly need just in order to Keep Going and not give up. I do feel what's good for me.

Blueberry, I am glad for your update.  I enjoy having you here in this community.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 11, 2021, 01:29:12 PM
A long while ago - mind blanked out. What did I want to write?? Hmm. Maybe it will come back, in fact it probably will.

Ha! Now I remember! A while ago on this forum all I could write was "Thanks FOO" facetiously or sarcastically or something. I wasn't able to think or say that I was angry. Today while writing that "Thanks FOO" briefly crossed my mind, but it's weak. The anger I feel towards FOO especially my parents from my childhood/adolescence and to my sibs and one SIL plus parents from not that long ago is much stronger! I am angry that my parents abused me so badly growing up that I even had to do therapy to reach und use my strengths, so to have something to fall back on other than Bad Stuff to help me deal with the trauma. Yup, they abused me so badly I had to actually work at finding the non-traumatised or not-so-badly-traumatised small Inner Children in me, the small Inner Children who were still holding onto strengths like creativity and playfulness but also independence, fearlessness, ability to go-it-alone and ability to draw strength and safety from animals. I had to work at it in therapy, for years. I am so angry at anybody who wants to deny how bad things were (except at myself because denying it was a survival mechanism). But anybody else who wants to deny it: parents themselves, other FOO mbrs, people I thought were friends... I am so angry at this audacity. That includes denial in the here and now about stuff going on now, whether from FOO or what's going on in the bike club or this building I live in or one ex-friend supporting another ex-friend in her non-validating treatment of me despite my explanation of what's going on. I am angry. And I am saying "No! No way! I'm not putting up with this maltreatment of me anymore. No matter how many once-good-but-no-longer friendships fall apart."

Thank you rainydiary. I enjoy having you here in this community too. I really appreciate your thoughtful and succinct comments.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

YES!!!!

That anger is strength! And self-protecting! All those people, including what is happening right now in your life, have earned that anger you feel toward their treatment of you. I am so happy for you that you can freely feel that anger outwardly.

You Go, Blueberry!  :cheer:

That anger is you taking back your power. Feeling it today is a blessing!

I once heard someone say that the single most powerful word in all the world is "NO!"  In the case of finally finding our anger against our abusers, I say NO MORE taking other people's mistreatment and making excuses for why I was okay with it. I'm NOT okay with it. Not anymore. You're NOT okay with it either. Our "protectors" and our "friends" hurt us because we were vulnerable. That is NOT Okay!

I got chills reading your post. The fact that your anger is manifesting itself as anger now is a huge accomplishment. You've crossed a beautiful milestone on your healing journey. Too many of us CPTSD Fawn types don't allow our anger to rise up. We have a million little reasons. Many of us were taught never to be angry. Many of us are terrified of our own anger! We're afraid if we express anger we'll hurt someone. Or we'll be punished. Or we'll be abandoned. (The fear of annihilation). Too many of us go on and on for decades suppressing our right to healthy, powerful anger.

The thing about suppressed anger is that it still comes out but disguised as Self-Loathing, or Dissociative Trances, or Addiction, or Self-harm.

My therapist is always reminding me that when I go into a dissociative trance, I'm stifling anger. I used to be offended. Me? Angry? No! I'm Mr. Nice Guy! I forgive everyone for everything. I'm proud to be such a gentle soul. Anger is bad--forgiveness is good.  Right?

HA! I was doing myself no favors by not recognizing my own anger and letting it do its job, which is to protect me from bullies.

I eventually found my anger, like you've just done. It's delicious! My dissociative trances are fewer and farther between now because I finally admitted publicly how ANGRY I REALLY AM at the people who imprisoned me inside my own head for 40 years. They took my joy of life away from me for no reason at all except that they could. They were BULLIES!  My family. My church. My classmates. Jealous, mean BULLIES! 

Whew!  A little anger, when appropriately aimed at those who deserve it, feels goooooood.

Thanks for sharing your anger with us today. I like it. It feels right. It feels justified! It feels like a big leap on the healing journey. Congratulations on reaching it.

Yahoo, Blueberry.  :applause: Good for you feeling and expressing your anger. And  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: at your FOO and "friends."

Quote from: Blueberry on November 11, 2021, 01:29:12 PM
What I managed to feel and express in T is anger. Anger towards FOO and towards those ex-friends. My T explained how much it made sense for me to ignore and/or belittle my own emotions in FOO in the far distant past because expressing them in any way or even mentioning them brought verbal and intellectual and emotional abuse from parents and physical from B1. So of course it was better to hide them, swallow them down or just not feel them at all. Now as I'm beginning to really move out of that, well, it's like the Empire Strikes Back when I try. But it makes sense to stick at it, even in small steps, baby steps, tiny steps but keep going. And keep feeling physically and emotionally what's going on.

Yes. Now that you are safe and have support, it is safe to take those baby steps to feel things physically and emotionally. Also, in the time that I've been a part of OOTS, I've seen you take so many baby steps, and sometimes giant steps, that you have travelled quite a long distance.  :cheer:

Well done Blueberry! :applause:

Thank you Snowdrop, Not Alone, Papa Coco and once again Armee!  :)  :thumbup:

Yesterday evening I took one step and have since received a really validating response. But went back to bed anyway. The one step was finally, finally contacting the Woman's Regional Support Network of a national bike club where I now feel very marginalised and discriminated against by the men in our local branch. As my T said yesterday, that seems to have brought up a whole load of other stuff and it has. My T encouraged me to contact this support network. So I did :applause:

I had been deep-down worried about basically being criticised by the support network about what happened to me locally being 'my fault anyway' and I 'should have' done xyz instead then it wouldn't have happened etc. The kind of thing I've been hearing in one way or another from those ex-friends and of course for years from FOO. It's your fault B1 hits you. If you didn't react to his teasing, baiting, nastiness, he wouldn't. That is a summary in my own words because of course B1's behaviour towards me was not seen as 'nasty' by FOO.

Sometimes when people support me unexpectedly, that sends me for a loop as well, so that's how I feel about the response from the one woman in the support network. There are already 70 women on the mailing list and she's going to add me to it.

As I wrote above, my T encouraged me because in his opinion the network will have been set up and joined by women who have experienced similar to me at their local level. When I think about the size of this association regionally, 70 women is really a lot. The other huge thing, totally unexpected for me, is the woman who wrote to me suggested I phone her and we talk about the situation. Wow. I had written that I had been intending to write that email for a while and not managing. But still wow. But then that niggling little voice comes (oh my ICr. of course) saying "you're having trouble writing because of all your psycho problems." Good to write that down since doing it on here - a safe space if ever there was one - allows for an image of B1 to drop by. So that's one instance of the Empire Strikes Back that I mentioned above. I will say for and to myself - it's understandable I went back to bed for a while. That's a lot to deal with on top of everything else that has been going on this year and even last year and still not completely resolved. So I'm thinking now of Armee suggesting I take it easy with things after getting my Internet and phone connections back. Thank you Armee, a really valid, apt and helpful suggestion.

once again, blueberry, you are moving mountains, even if only an inch at a time, but still.  well done  :thumbup: for contacting that women's group.  and, i get it about going to bed after a positive response - i've had to take a step or three back at times of a positive response myself.  too many times, after not being  cared for by others, a caring response from someone can be earth-shaking (or so it might feel).  I'm so glad your T encouraged it and you followed thru. 

i echo armee on continuing to take it easy.  having so much 'stuff' take place, one after another, can be draining, and we need some time to recharge our batteries.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Thank you san so much! It's good to get your reminder on taking it slowly :hug: Atm there's so much going on internally  - lots of stuff from this year and last isn't really over and integrated yet :fallingbricks: My response to the bike club locally was basically the last straw for me whenever it was - summer/early fall idk exactly. But I'm glad I spoke up in my way because I just couldn't continue putting up with all that crapola. I haven't managed to write an email to either ex-friend, though how they are acting as if everything can go back to normal and/or there never was a problem except my being 'busy' so one of ex-friends would like to pay me for looking after her furbabies  :pissed: No No No.

The longer I don't write uneqivocally what I think and that I'm angry, the more I'll just keep going back to bed and not getting anything done.

Add to that - it really looks like I'll need to look for a new place to live and to work, probably separately :fallingbricks: Although I do live in a country with fairly good laws for protecting tenants, still I can hardly work for thinking of what all I 'should' be doing. Having said that, I will have quite a number of months to start looking and get myself on waiting lists for social housing etc. 

good for you, blueberry, for recognizing your boundaries, what's acceptable to allow into your life and what isn't, no matter who it entails.  very proud of you! 

after all the problems you've had where you're living and working now, it sounds like there might be a sense of fresh air, fresh start if you move.  big step, big decision, but i fully understand and wholly support you.  you go!  keep taking care of you, ok?  you so deserve it.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Oh, you're right san, having to look for a new place or separate new places (home and office) is likely to have a lot of plus points as well as drawbacks. I know you're 'supposed to' know what you're looking for in a partner e.g. when you check the Personals or write your own. Not that I've looked in those seriously for at least 15 years... Anyway I never would have known what to write and I still don't. But on looking for a new place to live and/or work I do have pretty firm ideas on what I need, what I would love to have but maybe won't be able to, but can maybe find elsewhere. I also know that if I move out of the centre of town, which I will probably have to, I'm likely to be able to move into a slightly more modern building where the lay-out is, well, vaguely modern, e.g. little entrance way and rooms going off that, rather than step straight into apartment and all rooms interconnected and anybody who needs to go to the bathroom has to go through my bedroom. Things like that. When I finally take the time to sit down and write pros and cons and what I would concretely like to find in a new place or new places, then I think that will help give me the energy necessary to get going on it.

san, I've been thinking about all your moves and how tough they were but also how hard it was on both you and your d, what you had to put up with from ex LL and also from that woman whose boarding house you were in. :thumbdown:  I had been thinking of reading back some of what you were writing of your experiences, and also thinking back to what I was thinking when I read your posts - basically that much as you loved the area you lived in with easy access to the ocean iirc what you were putting up with day-to-day would be good to get out of and maybe you could take the ocean with you in your imagination, like our Healing Porch... Well, same for me now about the garden/yard.

___________
Atm I feel really topsy-turvy and am really confused and forgetful. What I think would be best for me tomorrow, so I'm writing it here to make it more likely that I will actually carry it out is: go up to the farm in the morning and do some particular work that is grounding for me and then come back home in the afternoon and go to evening church service where choir members are wanted for singing. The latter does me good, so 'go do it' I say gently to myself. My farm work is grounding and pretty repetitive - pre-washing deposit lids from deposit jars used at the market and heaving plastic containers around. As topsy-turvy as I feel atm I'm likely to do some of it in the wrong order, making myself more work as I go, but it doesn't actually matter. Because as soon as I just can't be bothered anymore, I can either take a break or come back home for good. I can't stay till Mon AM this week so actually those who need those lids on Mon AM will be super-happy that somebody - me - got a headstart on the job.

Doing those lids and then singing in the choir are two things that will help me stay out of bed, get re-grounded, find joy and purpose in life, and ultimately feel stronger and more able to tackle a bunch of stuff I 'should' be tackling but am not. So far. Although this evening I did write an email response to the woman's support network I mentioned and also signed up for a kind of video conference run by the bike club where there are 2 sessions of woman's support network I can join in on, as well as other sessions would interest me. That's an important step for me because it's the opposite of pulling back.

Now, having picked up a bit of strength from OOTS - thanks everybody for this validating, energy-giving space :grouphug: - I will maybe go tackle one or two of those outstanding emails to ex-friends. :witch: :witch: :spooked:

Quote from: Blueberry on November 13, 2021, 07:44:41 PM
Now, having picked up a bit of strength from OOTS - thanks everybody for this validating, energy-giving space :grouphug: - I will maybe go tackle one or two of those outstanding emails to ex-friends. :witch: :witch: :spooked:

Done. :thumbup: One anyway. The furbaby-sitting ex-friend. Took more time and energy than I really wanted it to. Got longer than I'd intended as well. Spending longer on it and re-writing bits and so on helped me actually feel my anger and annoyance and not just write that I feel anger where a few years ago I felt hurt and sad. I'm still kind of sad that the friendship is over, but it is also irrevocably over because friendship according to her definition was keeping me small, dependent, hurt and incapable of setting and enforcing limits to FOO and to this ex-friend herself and certainly discouraging me from setting limits and unequivocally saying NO in the here and now to other people.

Writing to someone who used to be close to me about the anger I feel towards them as well as feeling the anger intermittently while I'm doing it - big progress :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: No SH. Felt really well-grounded.

 :applause: and :cheer:

hey, blueberry,

your thought about taking the garden with you sounds great.  i thought about that as well for you.  i did manage to transplant a few specimens from the front yard of the house we lived in, and they're now on the balcony.  at least 2 have continued to live, we'll see what happens in the spring to the others.  as for the ocean, there was a day while we were here when i saw a couple seagulls flying around (we're an hour and a half from the ocean now), and that brought the ocean back to me.  so, yeah. 

and i think things like lids and choir singing, even tho some might think they're quite small things, can be very grounding (along w/ gardening).  i do have days where i just do chores around the house cuz the mess in my head can relax while i'm working with my hands.  and, dang, my dear, all that work toward your former friend.  i loved reading how you could pinpoint all the ways that friendship was unbalanced and therefore unhealthy for you.  way to go! :cheer:

sending love and hugs filled with more more more of grounding, setting boundaries, and self-care.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

In the end I did neither thing I'd intended. I lay in bed all day dozing, dreaming really weird things, waking up to read for a while and falling asleep again. I will just accept that that was what I needed. It was a really big thing writing to ex-furbaby-sitting friend and giving my view. It's OK to take a step back and lie in bed. At least I also made a large mug of tea for myself and drank it. And fed my furbabies.

 :hug:

I love how you are being kind to yourself.  :hug:

Thank you Not Alone. Being kind to myself doesn't come easy.

Finally finished some proofreading I was doing, bit by bit, with lots of breaks including coming on here. Just noting for myself how inconsistent I tend to be. I start out marking some changes yellow and then other ones red but there isn't always a clear rhyme or reason to it, at least not for the person I'm proofreading for. So then I end up adding comments etc. So it's all more time-consuming. But, that's just what my brain is like today. Mush.

Dreading a reaction from ex-furbaby-sitting friend. The friendship did include a lot more than just mutual petsitting btw. Just have to keep reminding myself that I really tried to maintain the friendship but she did not want to modify any of her reactions or even look at them really. So if she now feels sad or attacked or who knows, then that's her deal. 

Today I had a doc appointment about 15km away. I got the train but took my bike because I was so late I didn't have time to lock it up at the station. So in the end I cycled home, which was good because I needed to be out in the fresh air and also getting some exercise. That had been part of the plan on Sunday with going up to the farm, so done on Monday instead.

I have new impulses for using up various things, selling or giving away others, throwing others out. And put still others of the warm, soft and fuzzy type in with my furbabies. e.g. old woollen gloves I won't actually get round to mending again and/or have new gloves since anyway. That's all been spurred on by idea of needing to move 'sometime'. It might even take me a year to do so. I have to give 3 months' notice, among other things. Would also prefer to wait till after the winter etc. Would be nice for me to declutter before I even have to move, just to make my surroundings nicer for myself!

Blueberry, the part of your post about decluttering stood out to me today as I am in that process as I prepare for a move.  I will be thinking of you as you go through that process. 

Thinking of you too, rainydiary, in your de-cluttering process. Today I'm actually moving on other things. Though at least I did a little tidying and cleaning in my kitchen, which makes things feel less cluttered. Even if I didn't throw anything spectacular out.

every step is progress, blueberry, right?  even the small ones.  well done on doing some cleaning.  that can be something big for me.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you, san, you're right :thumbup:. Every little step is progress. Also every time I get back on my feet I am at least not going backwards. Or shall we say every time I get back on my feet I'm setting the scene for some further progress or just for following through with something already planned.

What I'm continuing on with atm is accepting support from the women's network. The woman I've been dealing with suggested she summarises my case, turns it anonymous and speaks about it on one of the women's network sessions at a conference the weekend after next. I had a think about this proposal and then decided - Go for it!

What I've said up to now is not the 150% truth with no details missing. Yeah, you read that right, in FOO claims of verbal/psychological/emotional maltreatment, bullying etc done to me had to be explained and backed up 150% as if I was some kind of lawyer. I've decided that's not always the case in the here and now. The woman I have been speaking to thinks the way I have been treated in the local group is unfortunately not unique to my group, so it would be helpful for other women to hear of it. A bit the way accounts of our past and present problems are helpful and validating here on OOTS. So despite the naysayings of ICr., I've accepted the proposal and hope she goes through with it. I'm accepting her help! That stuff with ll, business neighbour, ex-friends, FOO - all that stuff involves me making bit-by-bit steps which often floor me. The outside help has mostly been given already, I need to implement it bit-by-bit, and I'm doing so. This other thing getting sort-of outside help for the bike club is new.  :applause: for me being able to accept help, i.e. be able to trust, quite quickly.

oh, blueberry, i'm so glad for you in so many ways.  i loved seeing your 'Go for it' attitude, and i think it's wonderful to allow your story to be put out there.  i believe it will be helpful and validating for others.  well done, you!   :applause:  such wonderful strides you're making.  and, i get it about the 150% explanation thing.  i've had that same anvil on my shoulders, and my posture for most of my life was a result of it.  the body keeps the score.  such goodies to wallow in brings a smile to my face.  and my heart.  very happy for you, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:

Your bit by bit steps have been huge and several. You are doing amazing work Blueberry.  :applause:

That's great, Blueberry. Well done! :applause:

Thank you san, Armee and Snowdrop for your praise and validation.  :) :hug: That's always helpful.

Today I did get up late probably because of the amount of stuff on my Could do list but since then I've been working steadily on tidying, cleaning, throwing things out and running a few local errands. Late last night I repurposed a few items. They will be thrown out eventually but before that happens I can use them for something else. I often have trouble with throwing out and/or repurposing things that were a present from a FOO mbr or a good friend, even if I haven't used the item for years. I repurposed at least one of those yesterday :cheer:

I realise atm that my professional work needs to mostly go on the back-burner for the next little while. Psychologically, contacting the bike club and agreeing to use my case next weekend at the online conference combined with having been brave enough to write to ex-friend no. 1 are enough! I need to do tasks that are more physical in nature. Presumably partially to get better grounded and partially because emotional work really taxes my brain so I need to rest it, but not really by sleeping or lying down, beyond a normal night's sleep.

blueberry, kudos to you for taking that step in repurposing one item you've been hanging onto.  well done! :cheer:

i relate to the idea that sometimes our brains need to rest, and that's when doing tasks and chores, physical things, can help a lot.  they ground me, too.  you're showing a lot of self-care here and i applaud you for it. :applause:  love and hugs :hug:

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing how movement and physical activity is supportive.  I find that too and it is helpful to read your experience. 

Thank you rainydiary. I appreciate you being able to relate. I think we might have different definitions of physical activity though ;)  You trained for and ran a marathon, right? My grounding physical activity includes things like racing around the apartment from room to room tidying and looking for things etc. Last year some time I tried to not do that, thinking it would be 'normal' and more efficient to stay in one room and tidy but it turned out that I actually need the racing around sometimes, that's why I tidy that way ;D   Long ago in therapy I learned that left-right movements, which may include walking on the spot or rushing from room to room, can help you reground so maybe doing little tasks with my hands is similar?

Or it might be doing a little weeding. Depending on how well-grounded I am or not will show up in how I weed. If I pick a weed here and another there and a third 2 feet away, I'm pretty ungrounded. If I clear a small space all in one place, I'm much better grounded. (Up till about maybe 8-10 years ago I wasn't able to do that at all, ever!) Or it might be washing the dishes - physical activity for my hands plus also the physical sensation of the water on my hands. Or it might be cleaning 'my' machine and scrubbing lids up at the farm, where I was yesterday. Sometimes I can't move at all, just cower in bed. So sometimes even minor physical movement is difficult or even triggering. I've known all this for a long time but couldn't put it into words. Now I have done. For me that's a step - being able to verbalise without retriggering myself and/or ending up brain-fogged.

Anyway, I actually came on to write that I'm sort of gearing up to ask my LL for new, better windows in my office because it has become very loud out front and when he starts renovating the attic next year, it will be even louder just with builders constantly parking out front and yelling to each other etc. (It used to be quieter because it is a pedestrian precinct so vehicular traffic only at specific times of day and because no neighbouring business stood outside half the day chatting loudly with friends and tradesmen - my windows are so bad I hear all that). Even if I do move, it might not be right away so it's worth asking.

I feel fairly strong today and anchored in my present-day Adult but still note how much I dread approaching LL about it. In person is the only way I could possibly get through to him. I'd better do it soon in case we go back down into lockdown, which is a distinct possibility. I didn't feel my energy drifting away exactly while pondering. It was more that I realised summoning up the courage and dealing my the aftermath in my emotions would rule out any other kind of project for about a week. I'd be back to absolute minimal work and tasks, business and private.

Hi Blueberry.  :hug:

I really admire how well you know yourself and the amount of time you'll need to recover from asking your LL for what you need.

good luck w/ your LL.  i know it's been a struggle for a long time for you.  i hope you get what you need.  love and hugs :hug:

Needless to say I didn't get out of bed till noon. That's what a plan of going to LL does to me. And even when I finally did get up I didn't do anything too too useful though at least not destructive either. In fact there are quite a few pretty difficult tasks under my Could list today. No wonder I stayed in bed. Well, then it's back to the old: what's the easiest beneficial activity I can do? Even if that's folding laundry or washing dishes. It still all helps.

Not being destructive when under that kind of stress is a big deal. It sounds wise to have stayed in bed...an accomplishment of sorts...to have stayed there.

And yet, I can feel how much that just sucks. To have a legitimate need to ask something of someone (someone with a history of being awful) and have the repercussion of the thought of such a conversation to be having to lay in bed and not get done what you want to get done.

Does it feel like standing up for yourself is getting easier each time? Fewer, shorter repercussions?

QuoteNot being destructive when under than kind of stress is a big deal. It sounds wise to have stayed in bed...an accomplishment of sorts...to have stayed there.

And yet, I can feel how much that just sucks. To have a legitimate need to ask something of someone (someone with a history of being awful) and have the repercussion of the thought of such a conversation to be having to lay in bed and not get done what you want to get done

i quite agree with armee.  it sounds to me that staying in bed at these times is best for you, therefore, a form of self-care.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs, blueberry. :hug:

 :hug:  Blueberry, thinking of you. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on November 22, 2021, 01:04:07 PM
Anyway, I actually came on to write that I'm sort of gearing up to ask my LL for new, better windows in my office ...

I feel fairly strong today and anchored in my present-day Adult but still note how much I dread approaching LL about it. ... I realised summoning up the courage and dealing with the aftermath in my emotions would rule out any other kind of project for about a week. I'd be back to absolute minimal work and tasks, business and private.

I'm back to pretty minimal w/o even having asked him so that would be a reason to move forward on it. For me, often the fear of doing something is worse than actually doing it. It feels like I've been waiting a loooooong time but it isn't really. Just 3 days according to my Journal here, or maybe a little more b/c I didn't write it here immediately.

It's been helpful for me the past couple of days to think that I'm going to demand new windows, I'm not going to ask for them. Demanding them may not bring them but it feels stronger, more adult-like, less obsequious. I need new and better windows that cut out more sound and that is the end of it.

I spent even longer in bed today. Did get up briefly in the morning to attend to some things but went back to bed. I feel sad and a bit overwhelmed.

Today - this evening - was the day my case was meant to be talked about in an anonymous form at the women's network on an online conference. For some reason, my case wasn't mentioned so I actually brought it up myself and was basically told I wouldn't get anywhere with making changes to get myself heard if I didn't network with other women in this group at a local level. To me, it feels like the old "you're doing something wrong, you have to change". Also I have mentioned it to other women locally but they're more willing to put up with the behaviour and just not have a say, for whatever reason.

This feels especially difficult because various men in our local group are not following the rules, e.g. the person who is elected is mostly not the one who makes decisions but there's no clear structure to show in what situations somebody else decides what. I can feel why that would be triggering to me. In fact, that kind of thing is always triggering to me.

One good thing anyway: when I spoke up in the online women's network this evening, I was fairly clear in what I said. Before I spoke I kind of felt like crying which I don't think would have been helpful, but when I spoke it was from my head and clear. Before the women's network part of the evening, I was pretty foggy, I couldn't even have said what the problem in our local group is. Half-dissociated? But then going back into my head, I could. So I managed that quite well.

In an earlier conference session, I felt all the reasons why I'm in this particular association which lobbies for improvements in something that has always been very important to me. But I also realised at the end of that session that those ideas and helpful suggestions which would be good for our group to hear are very unlikely to be heard and certainly not acted upon before the problems with power etc are cleared up in our group.

Blueberry...

It is a huge huge huge accomplishment to be able to speak up for yourself and stay clear and present and in your head. This is something I really struggle with. So while I am ticked off for you that they pushed your case off the agenda without even telling you...I'm just so dang proud of you.

Thank you, Armee  :) :hug:

I spoke up at other times during the course of the weekend too.

But now I feel emotionally exhausted. And also sort of friendless. I am sort of burning bridges all over the place. But otoh why continue to hang around with people who are so toxic in their behaviour towards me? I don't mean the conference per se. Just the one ex-friend who said I'm always fighting with everybody. She's sort of right. But is there anything wrong with fighting back when I feel I'm being mis-treated? The association I'm in wants to represent a cross-section of society, not just males of a certain age. I don't just represent females but also females with chronic illness, with disability you can't really see. But it does have an affect on how much energy I have to keep fighting back.  I don't want to be perceived as a victim or even be one in the grand context. Now my mind has gone blank. But mostly I was not blanked-out during the conference.

T did encourage me to fight back in this association I'm in (at the local level) but Idk it seems I have too many places where and people with whom I'm struggling and fighting atm. At the conference there were younger people (20-30 y.o.) especially who understood where I was coming from and saying it sounded similar to what they'd been going through, to be heard among the older mbrs. I do belong to the older mbrs now but at the time I would've been forging my way through, I was all caught up in cptsd and sheer exhaustion and constantly ill etc.

Now I do need to reground after the weekend and I was going to go to the farm today and tomorrow but someone there is corona positive so I changed my mind. At least I went for a little cycle and immediately felt better in the fresh air.

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing about your experiences with others here.  I am baffled by myself in relationship to others and it is helpful to have you and others share here to help me too.  I hope that you find the balance with asserting and stepping back that feels right to you. 

I'm sorry you feel friendless right now. Hopefully moving out the toxic relationships will make mental space for new fulfilling relationships. I now know so much better who to let in. Not perfect I still make a lot of mistakes. But I get less invested in uneven relationships.

Well I'm not totally friendless, I've got all of you anyway!

I was just feeling a bit EF-y the past few days. I 'shouldn't' feel this way but I did: wanting to feel support of FOO, especially F, around me.  I mean I think I should be over that. I should have other people to lean on, not my aging parents. However, 'should' is never helpful. But nor are my parents helpful to me. On the contrary.

At least I took my most important medication this morning and finally had a shower. It's a start back into the world of the living and thriving. Yesterday I did have this voice suggesting ending it all, but I don't take that super-seriously anymore. I don't get worried about what it means. But still, hid in bed most of the day. However, I need to do some prep for a difficult job tomorrow.

Hi Blueberry,

I just wanted to say that I totally relate to feeling that i'm stuck in situations where I seem to be "fighting" with people. I've said things with certain friends over the past few years about how they've treated me in the past, and they're no longer friends. Part of me does wonder too, if it's me setting boundaries now, or if maybe I'm just repeating a pattern of having to "fight to survive" in my family growing up.

Sending support as you're not alone with that stuff.

dolly

Blueberry, I will be thinking of you as you prep for the difficult job as a well as navigate the feelings coming up. 

Thank you rainydiary for your support :)

Thank you for dropping by and commenting, dolly, and letting me know I'm not alone.

Mostly I think I'm setting boundaries. The accusations that I'm fighting 'everybody' are coming from my ICr chiefly. It's something FOO used to say, especially F I think. Then in early days in therapy, especially in group therapy. That's years ago now when Ts didn't work trauma-informed. They'd provoke me for a reaction and then complain about me blowing a fuse and being verbally aggressive. They didn't realise I was protecting my boundaries and especially protecting my inner world from landing back in trauma. They didn't really understand emotional traumatisations either. I had to 'fight to survive' in therapy too. Ts would even comment on that but didn't seem to understand their role in pushing me into those situations to begin with.

I may be fighting against myself a little bit too atm. I've been looking at myself out of a position of shame and weakness or at least feeling weak which all lead to me being self-critical about not managing to behave like a responsible adult - working, cleaning and tidying my apartment and generally getting on with things. Also taking those beneficial forward steps or just beneficial treading-water steps instead of 'being lazy'.

Looking at myself from a position of shame and weakness isn't helpful however. It would be much more helpful to do some EFT and/or just get on with tasks. Do the easiest, just start. But I prefer roaming around the Internet reading useless news etc. Undoubtedly there are feelings and realisations coming up, which I am 'successfully' ignoring instead of dipping my toe into as my T teaches me.

I'm sorry I'm not reading or writing much on other people's threads atm.

I have signed up for the Trauma Super Conference that's running from Dec. 3rd to Dec. 9th or so. Need to remind myself just to attempt a few of the sessions, e.g. there's one on recognising and overcoming resilience to healing. That's always a biggie with me. I read around and I write e.g. on here but I avoid the actual work, those concrete steps. I do do some of them, but I avoid lots of others. I know some of you kind people on here will comment that I do take steps. Yes, I do, but I think I could take more. But I don't. Then it feels like I'm buried under  :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: and I don't even know where to start. So I don't.

Recently I ended up tapping that I accept myself "even though I'm making progress" / "even though I've been successful at one thing" or something to that effect and FOO mbrs - M and F I think - turned up in my mind. Oh, wow. They don't want me to be successful or make progress. So giving up, not allowing myself to progress is part of my trauma response, part of what I did for years as a child and later and am still doing. Hm. So what I actually need to do is start tapping on 'accepting myself' for 'not getting on with things atm'. Or for developing this response as a child and continuing with it.

This is how I tend to work or tend to broach things I need to be doing: 1) I don't do them   2) I put them off and put them off and put them off    3) I do a bit of them and take long breaks   4) I do a bit of them and pull my hair out while I'm about it   5) I do a bit of them and take breaks and wander round the Internet reading about bad things happening to other people, things that could potentially be traumatising to the people themselves, the people around them or even me from reading (though I don't think I allow my emotions contact to the stuff   6) I eat instead of starting to do them    7) I go back to bed and read and/or do crossword puzzles and/or sleep      8 ) I put the things off so long there's no way I have time to finish them or do them well.

Equals self-sabotage. Self-sabotage to make the parents of my childhood feel better. M feel better that I'm in no danger of having a better or easier childhood than her. F feel better that M won't feel surpassed by me in some way. M feel better that I'm in no danger of surpassing B1 in some way. F feel better that the family boat is not going to be rocked e.g. by B1 blowing any more fuses than he normally does or by B1 not having me as a scapegoat on which to project the anger he feels towards M for abuse and F for allowing that abuse.
Self-sabotage to make my present-day parents feel better too? It's not as if they have changed. Aha. It's self-sabotage not actually laziness and lack of perseverance at the core of my being. In fact, I'm quite perseverant in self-sabotage. Just need to switch that to being perseverant in self-care including taking those concrete steps. 'Just' need to. 'Just'. If it was that easy, I bet I would have done it before.

These past few days I've felt in limbo. Maybe it has something to do with the state of the pandemic though I'm vaccinated and am not especially exposed to it. No, I think it's more to do with not getting on with concrete steps whether recovery steps in emotions etc. or just plain old getting on with things, starting with the easiest and working on from there. Partly I'd like to put a dumpster outside the window and throw everything in there, but that's not actually viable for a whole bunch of practical reasons. But also for emotional reasons. I'm not good at getting rid of things.

There is also correspondence waiting to go various places e.g. ex-friend no. 2. Ex-friend no. 1 turned up yesterday with some chocolate for Advent, saying she didn't have time to respond to my email but she would. I accepted the chocolate, but her not responding to the email makes me feel in limbo. Although partly it makes me feel better than with ex-friend no. 2 (mother of my godson) who seems to have decided she can just move on after dumping all that garbage on me. i.e. in any emails from her on fairly neutral topics, she starts and ends the email as if we're still great friends.  :pissed: :pissed: Oh now I remember, B1 used to do that too in my childhood, in my teenage years and even pretty recently after FOO Horrendous Event no. 2. It feels as if people like that are not taking me seriously.

NTS: I often don't take those concrete healing steps forward when realisations are bubbling up from my subconscious. Recent realisations about self-sabotage and other people I trusted not taking me or my feelings or my words seriously, hence going back to bed and not doing.

Blueberry, I appreciate your share and the reminder that what we see may not reflect your internal experience.  I hope that you find a balance in attending the conference.   

I've been reading back in here as I sometimes do. It is helpful for me to read how much has been going on in me in the past 6 weeks or so.  These sentences below caught my eye particularly.

Quote from: Blueberry on October 18, 2021, 07:19:38 PM
my T is encouraging me to do it however I can best do it, but DO IT. Not that he shouts or yells. He says once I have been doing it with a fair amount of ease for a while then it will get easier and I will be able to do it 'normally' bit by bit, but so long as I need to gear myself up for it and then write it, then that's what I can do.

This caught my eye because that same thing happened with showering and hair-washing. I can now do both with "a fair amount of ease". They're not totally easy but when I finally do do them, it goes a lot faster than it used to. I also no longer have to really gear myself up for it, 'grit my teeth' and go through with it half-dissociated. I don't shower or wash my hair as often as I ought but I think the not-doing is connected to some remembrance in me that it's really exhausting and time-consuming rather than it still being so.

Quote from: Blueberry on October 18, 2021, 07:19:38 PM
So I think now that what he is getting at is: in friendships, in 'work relationships' with clients or whoever, in any other dealings with people I end up in a relationally abusive situation, as a scapegoat, again and again and again, and the only way out of that is to stand my ground and speak up for myself, speak my truth, never minding what anybody else says or thinks. Very New Thoughts from rn. A bit scary. I wish I could just do some trauma therapy, though I could of course do some EFT or Screen Processing, but I haven't been doing that...

I also note that less than 2 months ago I was hearing and realising that speaking my truth never mind what anybody else says or thinks would be a step forward, but the idea of it was Very New. And a bit Scary. For me, in my process, 2 months ago is not a long time at all. So no wonder things feel pretty difficult atm. No wonder I feel as if I'm caught up in avoidance. I still wish I could just go and do some EMDR (like 'everybody else' - ha ha) and everything would improve. But apparently that's not how it works or how it's going to in my case. I do trust my T. Undoubtedly the steps I'm taking are those I need to take and just doing some EMDR or attempting to would either plunge me down somewhere I can't possibly go and then maybe backfire or... who knows what exactly. Or maybe it would have no effect whatsoever. Once when I asked my T about EMDR again a couple of years ago for dealing with my eating disorder, he intimated we needed to attempt to find some of the emotions that my eating disorder is covering up. But I block at feeling emotions or even considering what they could possibly be. So it seems that's why we have to go a different route. The route of Doing, Practising, Doing again even if not perfect, but Keeping On doing. Little by little the old trauma wears away. Little by little I do feel some emotions. Little by little different paths are engrained in my brain. Different paths that are healthier and that eventually turn into main roads and then maybe super-highways, which I then turn onto semi-automatically instead of going down the well-worn paths of self-sabotage, self-destruction, self-doubt etc.

Spent almost all weekend in bed. I could have joined in singing with the choir Sat. eve, Sun. morning and Sun. eve as in rn but... Idk I couldn't be bothered or something. I started listening to one of the Trauma Super Conference talks a few minutes ago but I turned it off. I know that what I most need to do now is ACT. MOVE forwards. Take those STEPS. Not listen to how others took theirs. Acting was my homework from T. My next T appointment is coming up this week. My other homework from T was to take those steps of not accepting the things people are trying to shove down my throat and more importantly taking those steps of standing up to those people and while I'm about it FEEL the emotions coming up. I haven't been doing that though, I've mostly been hiding, eating, pulling my hair out which all help me not feel.

What I have felt though is despair, depression and fear. With FOO moving in and out of my dreams.
I note that the thought of moving house is making me feel unstable. Not that that's the next step I'll be taking or anything.

I feel bad about not going to choir, not phoning my godson, not writing homework for one of my students (tho I said I would), not getting a bunch of important documents handed in here, there and everywhere and not getting up a modicum of energy to do basics: take my own meds, give my pet hers, tidy, clean. Or just do anything constructive.

Quite frankly, I'd be relieved if my afternoon student cancelled. But she hasn't. Probably better to push through with it than not.

Just a friendly reminder that giving yourself redt when you need rest is doing something constructive.  :hug:

I'm sorry it's been a rough time and that the hair pulling has been needed. Good job feeling the despair depression and fear. Maybe anger is hiding out there? When I think of my sh it's either feeling trapped, or anger that can't be expressed in a way that resolves anything.

Hi Blueberry,
I think you've been through a lot in the recent weeks, as you've been negotiating your relationships with various friends, and I just wanted to say that I admire your ability to look at those things.   

When you wished that your student might cancel, I was disappointed that she had indeed decided to arrive - and so I hope that your session with her was ok, and that you've been able to relax afterwards and re-charge your energy levels.  Or whatever you wanted to do.

Sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you both Armee and Hope.  :hug: :)  What you write is helpful. Thank you for your care.

I was at my doc's today. On hearing how bad my self-care is, he suggested inpatient treatment. I'm really lucky to live in a country where the state medical insurance provides this. Not that I've said "Yippee sign me up!" but I certainly could do with more therapy than once every 4-6 weeks. Of course I should be able to rally my energy and all the Tools I have and do those helpful steps to get back on track but I'm not doing so. As I said to my doc, I'm not even looking after my furbabies properly. Always a very bad sign. I should be able to but once more I find I can't. I'm back to things like doing laundry and then not hanging it up.

I realised today on a deeper level what the betrayal is, from both those ex-friends. Realisations tend to throw me for a loop. No wonder the year's been really difficult. Two besties where I felt this is almost like FOC have turned out to be supporting FOO in their head, feelings or even actions. One doesn't see anything wrong with it, the other doesn't even see what she's doing.

Partly I'd be frightened going inpatient to then hear dumb remarks from either therapists or fellow patients. I won't list any 'dumb remarks' but let's just say that those are the sort of things ICr. would say and the last thing I need is people who are meant to be helping me jumping in with ICr. Anyway, I have T on Thurs. and my psych doc tomorrow with whom I can discuss that kind of stuff. Going inpatient would probably be more about restabilising so that I have the wherewithal to take those actual steps at home.

I can understand why those betrayals had such a deep impact. I would have found it very destabilising.

Whether you go inpatient or not, I hope you get whatever is best for you. :hug:

 :hug:

Hugs to you Blueberry. I'm glad your doc is looking out for you.

Uh oh though. I don't mean to minimize your self-care difficulties but folding and hanging up and putting away clothes hasn't happened here for a couple weeks. The clothes just live in live in pike.  :whistling:

Armee, it depends on whether those clothes are still lying clean but wet in the washing machine and liable to go mouldy and need to be re-washed or whether they're clean and dry in a pile somewhere  ;D

Thank you Snowdrop. I've just been watching one of the Trauma Super Conference sessions on "The Science of Stuck" and it was really helpful. I even laughed a few times in self-recognition. Spontaneous laughter is good for getting a bit unstuck ime.

Now, I don't think I call myself 'lazy' anymore but I do call myself 'unmotivated'. In this session I learned that it's not true. My body is what takes over during trauma responses and my body is motivated to survive, which in this case means protecting me by not doing.

Blueberry, I'm glad you found a presentation that offered you perspective and language to understand your experience.

I'm guilty of both, Blueberry!

But I'm not questioning your assessment of the severity of your symptoms and neglect of tasks. Just noting I fail on many measures and haven't reply thought of it as neglecting self-care. Come to think of it though i rarely drink water, am lazy about food prep and cleaning, and have nail polish that has been wearing off for weeks.

Today I found out that somebody whose healing workshops I took part in for a long time died in the summer. I'm sad, grieving. The good thing is that I obviously can feel sad so long as it's not overwhelming / outside my window of tolerance which all this stuff with my no-longer-friends is.  For me it comes as a relief - I can feel emotion!

Sorry to hear about the death of someone you knew.

Thinking of you and your decision about inpatient treatment.

Quote from: Blueberry on December 07, 2021, 09:27:11 PM
Now, I don't think I call myself 'lazy' anymore but I do call myself 'unmotivated'. In this session I learned that it's not true. My body is what takes over during trauma responses and my body is motivated to survive, which in this case means protecting me by not doing.

That is helpful. I'm getting through work and other responsibilities, but when I am home in the evening I usually don't do anything. I don't have anything left in me.

I'm sorry for your loss BB and totally get what you mean about a relief to feel emotions.

Thank you notalone and Armee for your compassion  :hug: :hug: