This seems like an odd time to start a journal. I am in a weird place of happiness, satisfaction and raw sadness. Healing is happening. But it feels scary, new, uncertain...yet hopeful at times when I let it be.
I just found out the other day, and it's still sinking in, that my husband will be having a procedure soon to see if he has blockage in one of his arteries. It will be a low risk procedure to check his artery and do any repair work, but it is still shocking that he may be having heart surgery. We are in our early 30's and he has had a lot of undiagnosed health issues. Maybe this is the solution to a big part of them :Idunno:
So, I feel raw. And I feel courage at the same time. And a peace somehow in the midst.
I am really enjoying listening to a Christian song called "Lift my eyes" by "I Am They":
https://youtu.be/Xrg--2XtKRM
Some of the lyrics that really touch my heart say:
"More than answers, more than healing
God, Your presence is enough
I lift my eyes to Heaven and remember
You're still where my help comes from"
Even though the heart procedure for you husband is low risk, still scary. I hope, also, that this helps with health issues he has been having.
Thank you for sharing the song. I haven't heard that one before. I really like it. I added it to one of my playlists. I'm also going to share it with a core group of my friends. Thanks!
Thanks, notalone! That means a lot. And I'm glad you like the song. It came out in a new album about a month ago, and it caught my attention :)
I am feeling lots of emotions deep within, all gurgling and beginning to bubble. I feel a courage and hope and joy mixed in there too. I think I need a way to comfort my feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, sorrow, shock... I am thinking about trying a nap in a little bit (that can have mixed results for me).
My husband had his preop tests today, and so I got up earlier than normal and I am tired. It was good for me to get up earlier, since having the emotional ability to get up early is extremely difficult for me. So, I have some valid reasons for being tired, but honestly I think it's all the emotions that are doing me in.
We are hoping to spend Thanksgiving with some friends tomorrow and my mind often tries to sabotage healthy times with people around me. So, this is part of it, too.
We are also hoping to reach out to one of my uncles who is healthy and solid. Otherwise, we have gone NC with the entirety of my family. My husband has been working on a detailed message to my uncle. Last time we tried contact him, I fell apart so badly that we had to back off. But we would really like to establish some contact and believe that it would ultimately we healthy for us moving forward and dealing with some of the trauma.
So, I have plenty of reasons to be emotional. But I don't want to get buried in it :fallingbricks: and lose sight of all the good and healing that it happening. I normally dive further under those bricks when I feel overwhelmed. But I don't want to do that this time.
I am going to list some things that I am thankful for, so I can better keep track of the goodness mixed into my reality:
- Jesus who is always with me and who understands me completely
- my husband who loves me
- the opportunity for my husband to have his heart checked and hopefully fixed if need be
- good homeschool curriculum that I am using to teach my oldest - and we have been pretty consistent and successful with learning and she is really soaking it up! :cheer:
- beautiful Fall weather
- I am getting much more caught up with housework, and feeling healthier to get more done
- we were given free food this past weekend and we got enough to share with some friends!
- I am enjoying our cats - I haven't had cats as pets since I was desensitized from them at a young age by trauma
- learning to identify the voices of my critics and call them out
- feeling hopeful that we can complete our business projects and make progress, even with all the roadblocks
My husband had his heart procedure today and it went well, the doctor said. They didn't find any issues or blockage. This might sound strange :Idunno: but we were honestly hoping that something would be found because many of his mystery/undiagnosed symptoms could be explained by an artery blockage. So, we feel a bit at a loss as to figuring out how to help him feel better. He just hasn't been able to function well, and we'd like some answers...we have a business to get going and run and kids to take care of and no income. But it almost feels like we are back to ground zero after pursuing tests and a diagnosis for quite some time.
I struggle with depression. So, the thought of trying to start a new day tomorrow is terrifying, I am hesitant to go to bed. I feel like I will fall apart and drag my family down with me...which I know is not the attitude to have leading into tomorrow. But I am just overwhelmed and not sure how to "unload" all these emotions. Trying to write them out and process them is probably a good start.
Our friends and family are glad that all went well with the procedure, and while I know that some understand to a degree, I feel alone in my deep disappointment and discouragement that we didn't get any answers to our questions. I know my husband is feeling it, too, so I will try to seek mutual understanding and comfort there with him. Trying to seek more trust and breaking down bad barriers in our relationship.
Thanks for reading :)
I'm glad it went well, Pioneer, but I'm sorry there's still so much uncertainty. Hang in there, Pioneer. :hug:
Thank you, Snowdrop! Sending a hug back to you :hug: Thank you for acknowledging and affirming how I am feeling. That felt very comforting. I ended up doing really well today. I took it a bit easier and went at my own pace, and that was healthy self care. I also showed my husband what I had written, and it was comforting to know that he had read it.
:grouphug:
I have had friends who have had undiagnosed physical issues. The stress of the unknown and the added pressure of trying to figure out a diagnosis is a heavy weight.
Thanks, notalone! It is a heavy weight... Yet I know there is hope even in the tiredness and unknowns.
While I was writing and processing the other night, I did realize that my husband has a procedure coming up to hopefully help with his migraines - which should help alleviate some of his issues as well. It was too much for me to verbalize that in the midst of the discouragement last week.
And then his procedure got moved up to tomorrow. So, while I am still reeling from everything that has happened this past week (as well as the grief of my sister's birthday who I am NC with), I am excited to see how this helps him. I don't feel all the "good feeling" emotions of excitement, but that is ok. I feel a calm little sense of hope.
I also feel a bit anxious because I have a tendency to self-sabotage, and that includes doing it to my husband. Success is one of my biggest triggers. There is a fear deep inside me that powerfully tries to destroy when things are going well. It is not really me. But I am trying to navigate healing that part of me, a step at a time. I have lots of unanswered questions there too, but again there is a sense of hope.
Today was a successful day as a family. We spent family time and had fun practicing for an upcoming Christmas play that we are all in :)
Sunday evenings tend to be triggering for me... Maybe it's because we finished up a week and I'm overwhelmed to enter the next. I also got triggered when my husband started working on a project for our business. I think I'm discovering that my inner child feels afraid when he tries to take care of me. It's been a hard cycle. He was pleading with me to let him work. But I was fleeing and freezing and seeing him as the enemy.
Once I explained it better after a bit, I think he understood. But he had already needed to stop working and he called it a night as a result of the stress.
That has been a vicious cycle.
My inner critic is shaming me. I am just admitting that I need to do some inner child work. I'm not sure where to start.
Maybe I'll start by trying to get myself to bed, because I'm scared to go to bed.
Hey Pioneer, I wanted to pop by and send my support and a hug (if it's ok). I understand you finding Sunday evenings triggering, when I used to be in school the weekends were always a huge trigger for me. I hope you find some ressources that'll help you take care of your inner child.
Trying to go to bed is a big step, glad you're trying to heal that (I also am scared to go to bed). Hope your Monday is ok :hug:
:hug:
Thank you, marta and notalone! And I do like hugs :hug:
I am tired, and trying to tell myself that it is ok to feel tired :) The week has been going well, and I can see that I am recovering and healing. I am having more awareness of my inner child - I'm thinking she's around the age of 5. She gets scared at various things and I'm trying to be more aware of that and let my husband know. That has been helpful for us.
For a long time now, I've noticed that I have a very small amount of emotional energy for my 6 year old daughter. Perhaps the fact that part of my mind is "stuck" in a similar age has something to do with it... Or it's because I was never taught to have sincere emotional energy for others. Not sure.
On a different note, I have a lot to be thankful for. Some good friends gave us a beautiful Christmas tree and ornaments - and we had fun as a family decorating it. It is a huge win to say that we had fun, because family times have been a trigger for me. The kids really enjoyed it. We were also given some toys for the kids from an organization, and I'm excited for what was given to them (they haven't seen them yet). And we were given some free food today, too. And it is working out for us to stay in the home that we are making for ourselves. So, even though the medical progress, and emotional healing and progress with our business is going slower than we had hoped - we are taken care of. And I feel a warm comfort in that. I feel like I am beginning to live again. It is an up and down journey I know, but healing is happening.
We have financial catching up to do in the coming months and maybe years, but I am also learning not to make that such a stronghold, crippling worry in my mind. That worry has been a big, shameful destruction in my life. One step at a time
I have also been getting to bed sooner too and actually wanting to wake up!! I've been waiting "forever" to actually accomplish that sleep pattern. I am so excited and grateful.
We will see how the coming days go with these new patterns that are trying to form. Thank you all for your encouragement and support :grouphug:
Sounds like you're doing well, pioneer. I am glad your family time with the kids is going well :)
Thanks, owl! :) It means a lot to have the support. It's been incredibly helpful to have this community in my life.
Quote from: Pioneer on December 11, 2020, 09:43:03 PM
It is a huge win to say that we had fun, because family times have been a trigger for me.
:cheer: :hug:
Thanks, notalone! :hug:
I am feeling overwhelming depressed at the moment. I know I am triggered by all the good that is going on in our lives. And I am anxious about the hard, the areas that I am not grieving well, and overwhelmed and blowing some things out of proportion and sabotaging everything.
I don't have the emotional energy to say more right now.
I'm sorry, Pioneer. Is there anything you can do to bring comfort to yourself? Maybe a soft blanket, or a cup of hot tea? Sending you hugs of support. :hug:
Thanks, Snowdrop! I will try some tea and a blanket :) That will be a good start :hug:
Pioneer, I wanted to pop by and send you my support and a hug (if it's ok) :hug: I understand you're feelings and frustration around the good that is going on in life. I also struggle with this, it brings back unsafe memories for me from my childhood, when anything good could be taken away from me.
Sending you love and support, and I second Snowdrop, a blanket and warm drink is a good place to start :) I hope you're feeling a bit better today (if you can), and in any case, here's a warm and safe hug :hug:
Thanks you, Marta :hug: It's affirming to hear you say that you can also struggle with the good things because they take you back to feeling like the good could be taken away. I think this is true for me, too. I can see it more clearly from the abuse I went through as an adult, but the childhood memories/ thought processes in that particular area are still not very clear. Thank you for your support :)
I am doing better than I was a couple days ago. I still feel fragile though. We had some good communication with some FOO (an uncle and aunt) which was good, but a lot to process. I think as a result, my teenage self is emerging from the depths and I am having internal turmoil.
Along with that, my husband seems to be doing better physically after getting injections for his migraines. That is very encouraging. But it is also triggering for me because I get afraid of it getting taken away and that I am not enough to support him, so I put on the brakes really hard and become what I fear. I tend to take control and create havoc. So, my h and I are both tired emotionally. But I cautiously think we are on the upswing.
One step at a time, even when the steps feel like they go backward sometimes...
*TW*
I am feeling tired somewhat emotionally numb today. My very dear father-in-law passed away suddenly over the weekend. He had been sick for quite a while and honestly had survived longer than initially expected, which I am so thankful for.
There's definitely a sorrow and grief for my family to walk through. But we are surrounded by love, too.
One thing that struck me over the past few days - my father-in-law had been very intentional about letting me know and reminding me that I was part of their family, that he liked me and was proud of me. He had really done this ever since my husband and I were seriously dating, but he was especially intentional ever since everything came down this year and we went NC with my side of the family. He was abandoned by his dad at an early age, so that may have given him some insight.
The main Sunday school teacher at our little church made a heartfelt comment recently that church family was his family because his "family is crazy"... and I briefly told him afterwards that it was the same for me, that church was a safe place (I might add that this particular church is a safe place, I have experienced the opposite to be true at some other places). That must have stuck in his mind, because when he texted back a response to my informing them about the sad news, he made a very clear comment that they were proud to be our family. I thought that it was pretty neat that someone else took up that mantle right away. Not a coincidence I think.
Reading about your father-in-law warmed my heart. I'm sorry for your loss. :hug:
Pioneer, I'm very sorry for your loss. As Snowdrop said, reading about your father-in-law warmed my heart too, and I'm happy that you have love surrounding you, even if it is a sad circumstance. Sending my love and support :hug:
I am sorry for your loss. Beautiful that you can carry the love of your FIL in your heart.
Thank you, Snowdrop, marta and notalone! It's encouraging to hear you say that my FIL's love warmed your heart and also that I carry it with me.
It is a bitter-sweet time. :hug:
*TW* for death and religion
The funeral and events for my FIL are happening this weekend. It struck me that he is no longer in pain or struggling to breathe. And I believe that because of his faith he is in heaven with Lord Jesus. I sincerely feel really happy for him.
And there is still a sorrow for myself. But I feel a comfort because of the love and acceptance he gave in his lifetime and the legacy of serving others that he left behind. He is an example of someone who experienced abandonment at an early age and was able to take that pain and become someone who was passionate about making sure that others didn't feel abandoned. I'd like to take that example and seek to do the same - starting being faithful with my own little family.
It feels like I took a long break from journaling, but I guess it's only been two weeks. I suppose it's been a long two weeks. I am still deeply grieving the loss of my FIL. This was a heavy blow, and it adds onto the grief of lossing my NPs who I went NC with last year.
Their loss is much different, as I realize I never truly had a relationship with them. With them I grieve the loss of never being accepted for who I was and for not being loved and nurtured by a parent - which I believe we all long for as children and I still long for.
I had started to do pretty well in a lot of ways before my FIL passed away. It seems that my journey lately normally involves a heavy setback once I start healing and recovering. Though healing is still happening, I can tell. I just feel a lot of pain. I am thankful to feel though. And I am more capable of crying lately which has been a welcome release at times.
I feel that I need the courage to move forward. We have so many exciting things that we are hoping for. Yet, I tell myself that we can't, that we're incapable to them...all the things my NPs taught me so well. I still believe them instead of the truth. I need to get them out of my head. I feel sad and scared.
I have to remind myself of the conversation my husband and I had yesterday. We've had so many neat plans and goals that have been sabotaged repeatedly by my NPs (directly and sometimes by their influence). And we have never fully succeeded at any of them since we got married nearly a decade ago. My h and I both took responsibility for our actions in all of this, and we acknowledge that there is grace and that we can move forward. I like being able to talk openly with my h. I feel more capable of that lately. That's a huge start.
I guess I just need to open to the suprises that await ahead. And wait. With an active sort of waiting.
I'm sorry for the loss of your FIL and for your articulating this part of your journey. I really relate to what you say about feeling like things are going well and then something comes up that makes you question that and feel setback. I also really relate about reaching out to your spouse as that is something I am finally learning to do too after 10 years of marriage. What I hope for you is that once you are on the other side of this grief you will have more peace and ease built upon the progress you are making.
Thank you, rainydiary! Your words are encouraging to me. And I hope you also continue to have grow closer with your husband and enjoy peace and joy along the way. I have been married nearly 10 years, too, so I can relate to the feeling of just now getting to this place of learning.
Today was a good day. I worked on our new garden plot, that we are prepping for the spring, with my six year old. She worked really hard and is excited for a garden this year. I love getting my hands into the dirt. It's healing, I think. Outside was always my retreat, and it still seems to be a place of healing for me.
I have to admit that I feel afraid for tomorrow though. I'm struggling to want to go to bed. I think I tend to be afraid after a good day, thinking tomorrow will be a rough day because I often sabotage after a good day. I realize the irony of worrying (planning) about a rough day tomorrow. I am hoping writing it out and expressing it to my husband in a bit will help. It's ok to be afraid. But I want my mind to know that a rough day tomorrow is not a guarantee. It's a negative prediction. And I need to take the pressures off myself for tomorrow. Learning. One step at a time.
Pioneer, your description of dreading the day after a good day resonates with me. It's difficult to allow myself to feel good. I think that when I was growing up even feeling good wasn't safe. For me I've had to remind myself every day I am safe and I am finding that I am starting to trust myself more. I often feel more neutral than I have in the past. I have been wondering lately if I will ever feel good most of the time. I hope so and I hope so for you too. I hope you have more time in the garden with your child - I agree with you about the way gardening can feel. I hope you find more of those times.
Thank you for sharing and for your insights, rainydiary! They have helped me a lot as I've processed the idea of not feeling safe when I feel ok (or not feeling safe when I don't feel ok) and not trusting myself when I try to convince myself that I am safe. I am gradually getting better at this, but it is a long climb. I hope that we both continue to experience what it feels like to feel good and safe!
I have spent more time outside working a little bit and just hanging out with my family. I have a cold right now, so I am trying to learn to be safe even as I don't feel all that great physically. It is a learning process.
I am trying to go easy on myself and rest at the moment. I think I am becoming more aware of how I am feeling which is empowering and tiresome in it's own way. I am getting better at communicating with my husband. This might sound weird, but I am beginning to see him as a human again. I lost touch with that as trauma told me to be afraid of him and to "defend myself" against him. I am seeing him with his own needs (and letting that be ok) and I'm getting better at listening to him instead of trying to control the situation. We are learning to be friends again.
I feel a deep type or tired right now. We have so much going on as a family. Between bad colds this past week, trying my best to homeschool my six-year-old, doing household tasks and special maintenance and cleaning tasks since this house needed it when we moved in, my husband's health issues, our grief, other responsibilities and prepping and planning, and trying to learn to support him.
I also have health issues that need further pursuit and that is very stressful for us. I have an appointment with a new doctor tomorrow, and it's taking a lot of my emotional energy to prepare for that.
I'm glad that you are allowing yourself some time to go easy on yourself and rest. You are juggling a lot. Being more aware of what you are feeling being both empowering and tiresome makes sense to me. It really is both of those.
Thank you notalone for validating me! Your words are comforting :hug:
The doctor I met with yesterday was really nice and so was the nurse, so that was very helpful and calming to my fears and agitations. I will need to have a not-so-fun procedure on Wednesday to try to discover the exact location of the issue. And then if that goes well, we will schedule a surgery to hopefully completely take care of it. I am relieved in a sense that it is moving forward. But I also feel very stressed. I was handling it well overall yesterday, but I woke up with the child side of me feeling very stressed and scared.
When I woke up, I felt stressed and scared and my brain was "full", and I was able to recognize that the child part of me (maybe around age 9 this time) was driving. The awareness of that is an improvement. I tried comforting myself with the adult part of me.
--------‐‐----------------
TW
And then I had a quick and very sudden vision of Jesus quickly touching my belly with both of His hands. He didn't say anything, but the touch seemed to quickly dispel all the inner critic voices that were attacking. He was silently there to reassure me that He knows all of it, and He was there to protect me.
Around that time I was able to roll over and with a raspy voice (still getting over a cold) was able to tell my husband that the kid side of me was driving. He said that he was with me and said "stay with us" (instead of running away). I told him that the adult me and him were both with me and that helped a lot - I breathed a deep sigh and felt a lot of relief.
I am still feeling overwhelmed today and buried in my mind and the kid part has still been there all day. It makes sense that she is scared. I want her to know that she doesn't need to carry the full weight of it. She is just a kid and doesn't need to do that anymore. She wanted hot chocolate for breakfast and later said, "ugh, coffee is for grown ups". So, I had hot chocolate, and then some coffee a bit later :)
My procedure went well on Wednesday and the doctor found the issue. I am so thankful. It's been over two years of waiting. I learned that I will need a different doctor to do surgery to resolve the issue, and I feel anxiety over that. But if I look at the bright side, I'm just so thankful that it's moving forward.
I have had a lot of emotional downturn in the past week or longer due to my health. I have been thinking a lot of my abusers, obsessing and fantasizing about my procedure and health and blocking off my husband. I am ashamed. But I know that compassion and moving forward are mine for the taking.
I hope I can have the compassion for myself, grounding in the truth and courage to take the pressure off myself and just be.
I worked a lot on preparing our garden plot yesterday with my 6-year-old. I hope we can do more today. It's good for me to get my hands on the dirt. I decided to really cut back on homeschool so we can prepare the garden before I have surgery, which really takes the pressure off me. I think homeschool will be easier when I'm more confined to the couch while I'm recovering (whenever that ends up being). So, it looks like we are taking a bit more of an old-school approach where kids helped farm in the Spring and did school at other times. That works for me!
Pioneer,
I'm glad your procedure went well and that you know the next step. Good job reaching our to your husband. It sounds like he was able to respond with compassion. Awesome that Jesus gave you comfort in that way.
Some of the best schooling is hands-on, especially with a six-year-old. I would mark off working in the garden as school time.
Thank you notalone! Your words are really encouraging and affirming for me! :hug:
I have been enjoying some outside time with my kids and with getting our garden ready. Our fun & various seeds arrived in the mail this weekend! And we planted some in pots inside today. I did start to sabotage the fun of the family opening up the package of seeds the other day, but I was able to turn it around with the exhortation of my husband. And I didn't sabotage much with the planting of the seeds today, so that's a win.
TW
I am doing a lot better than I was a few days ago. A few days ago, I was scarily in a bad place. I hadn't been so low or depressed in a while. I had suicide ideation which hasn't been the case much for several months - since I started taking an antidepressant. I am going to talk to my physician tomorrow about CPTSD and its affect on me - I am using some forms from OOTS to show her. She might recommend that we slightly up my dose of antidepressant. It has helped me so much since I started taking it this past summer. It has helped me to be more myself which has allowed me to gradually do the hard work of processing and recovery. With all the additional stress of loss recently and my procedure and surgery, I wonder if we should increase it slightly. I wasn't real eager to increase it before, especially since most of the time I did really well (except for those down days that still come regularly). But seeing as its helped so much, it might not be a bad idea to see if it could help a little bit more. It can't take the place of recovery, but it does stabilize me quite a bit and I am able to feel good emotions too and process sorrow.
My appointment today went well. I briefly talked to my physician about having CPTSD and that my depression and anxiety are comorbidities of that. I asked her about potential counseling and she said we could do that and she could refer me. I told her that it would need to be someone who knows about gaslighting and PTSD (I don't know how familiar they are with CPTSD). And she said that she had a couple of people in mind and that I could try it. She said not everyone feels counseling is right for them. It's nice not to feel pressured into it. So, I might give that a try.
I had a bad experience with a counselor in the past, so I feel a little bit nervous. I had a decent experience shortly after that time, but we never got to the heart of the issue so it was only so helpful. I was still being abused by my NPs at the time and I didn't understand that or the extent of it.
We are also going to slightly increase my antidepressant and I think that's a good call right now. My husband is with me and helped me process my decision after the fact which I was struggling with mentally and emotionally. He is there for me.
Possible TW
As I was still in the process of writing this I heard a commotion outside, and we realized that a raccoon was getting all of our chickens. None are left. We haven't been in a place to close them into their coop early at night. My h reminded me that was the risk we were taking of not closing them in until so late. I had a flashback to my narcisstic F being so condemning and hateful about my animals. I told my husband about all that which was good.
He also expressed his feelings about life falling apart after we got the chickens and his frustration of not being able to care for them like he'd like to. I tend to get EFs when he shares vulnerabilities with me. I want to be there for him too. I think writing this out helps me process.
It will get better. This will pass. We can make it through. We are still making progress with healing.