I know I don't post here much... or at all anymore.
I'm struggling with something at the moment... well all week really.
I've had the same flashback 4 times this week... it's "missing a piece" The piece it is missing is what I said right before the physical abuse. I said something... or answered a question... or something to set her off.
Immediately after I said it I was yanked to my feet to be punished.
What if I deserved it? I always hear people say that everything happens for a reason. What if I'm to blame? Maybe I did deserve it. That was the constant message I was told. I let it happen, over and over again.
If everything happens for a reason... why did so much PA happen to me? I'm afraid the answer is because I deserved it. I brought it on myself.
There is nothing you could have said that would have meant you deserved that treatment, Deep Blue. What happened was completely on the abuser. Not you.
You didn't deserve it, you weren't to blame, and you didn't bring it on yourself.
:yeahthat: I agree with snowdrop.
I deal a lot with that thought at different times for different parts of my abuse. If I hadn't done x y z then it wouldn't have happened.
TW
Or if I wouldn't been seen that time my NM wouldn't have hit me.
End TW
The truth is none of it is my fault it would have happened at some point because it is who she was no matter what I did it would happen. In all of the abuse I seen or heard of the victim is always just that the victim.
The abuser is the one who is twisted and makes the choice to cause harm. Not your fault deep blue. And welcome back I've missed you. :grouphug:
You did not deserve it, Deep Blue. No matter what you said. Your abuser is in your head making you doubt yourself. She needs for it to be your fault. Don't give her what she wants.
It's good to see you :hug:
I agree with Snowdrop and Bach.
Snowdrop,
What if it is my fault that I let abuse continually happen? Why didn't I think to get out of there?
Tee,
Thanks, missed ya too. I guess the point you are making about choice is what I'm grappling with. She chose to hit me... I chose to keep getting sucked back in.
Bach,
Good to hear from you too. You are right of course... my abusers are always in my head :Idunno:
:hug: that's what abusers do they manipulate you to make you think it is your fault and you had a choice. You didn't. You got sucked back in because you thought it was what you deserved. But you didn't you don't and you deserve so much more do much better. Big hugs my friend. :hug:
Tee,
Thanks. :hug: I needed that
You never deserved any of it, I assure you! You're worth the world and you didn't deserve any of it at all, Deep Blue. Sending hugs if that's okay!
Quote from: Deep Blue on November 24, 2020, 12:20:28 AM
Snowdrop,
What if it is my fault that I let abuse continually happen? Why didn't I think to get out of there?
I don't think you had a choice Deep Blue. I think there was just the illusion of choice, which makes it feel as though it was your fault. It's like having a number of different roads to go down, but each one has the same destination. Choosing which road to take isn't really a choice.
Quote from: Tee on November 24, 2020, 01:30:36 AM
:hug: that's what abusers do they manipulate you to make you think it is your fault and you had a choice. You didn't. You got sucked back in because you thought it was what you deserved. But you didn't you don't and you deserve so much more do much better.
^^^ Absolutely this.
:hug:
Quote from: Snowdrop on November 24, 2020, 07:48:55 AM
I don't think you had a choice Deep Blue. I think there was just the illusion of choice, which makes it feel as though it was your fault. It's like having a number of different roads to go down, but each one has the same destination. Choosing which road to take isn't really a choice.
:yeahthat:
This is so important, and so true! I have tried to express this a million times to others and even to myself, but did not have such clear and concise words for it.
:yeahthat:
It really, really was not on you Deep Blue! :hug:
Snowdrop,
Wow I agree with Bach. You said that so beautifully and concisely . That does ring true. Maybe it is the illusion of choice that is getting me down. Maybe we can't see our choices clearly when we are in the depths of abuse. Maybe that's a piece of it too.
Eidolon
Thanks, and yes a hug is always nice :hug:
Thanks blueberry
:hug:
Quote from: Deep Blue on November 24, 2020, 11:31:18 PMMaybe we can't see our choices clearly when we are in the depths of abuse. Maybe that's a piece of it too.
^^^ This resonates with me, Deep Blue. It's like all of the roads were covered in fog.
i echo everyone's thoughts and sentiments here, db. how we've gotten manipulated distorted our ways of thinking so that the blame seemed surely to lie with us, what we said, what we did - or not. nope, illusion of choice is a great phrase here. self-blame is what we were taught to do in order that any and all of our abusers would be able to walk away from what they did without guilt or accountability,
you were abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. not your fault. period. love and a hug filled with a spray can full of 'this, none of it, was your fault'. :hug: spray that blame away to where it truly belongs, ok?
Thanks San,
Thanks :hug:
I just wanted to say how much I relate to the confusion! What is true and what is not!? ???
But I do know one thing; and that is that you never EVER deserves to be abused or mistreated! Trauma messes with our head so badly...! If we had been surrounded by safety, love and acceptance, we would know down deep within ourselves that we don't deserve to be abused. When we lack this, confusion sets in.
It's not your fault! You are not to blame!
I'm happy to see you back on the forum!
Sending a warm hug, if that is okay with you! You are not alone!
No matter what you said, it was NOT your fault. I understand though. I also took the blame for abuse.
Deep Blue, I wanted to mirror what everyone has said. It is not your fault. The abuser did this to you, and it's only their doing. I'm sorry you're going through this. The more I've been delving into my abuse, the more these thoughts come up for me too. I found myself telling a close friend that I deserved the physical abuse. All that I want to say is, that I understand where you're coming from. And how scary it is. Sending you support and a hug (if it's ok) :hug:
Thanks all for your words of support.
You know what's strange? If it was anyone, other than myself, I would view the situation differently. I'd never say it was their fault... but I just can't get there in regards to myself. I just can't let myself off the hook I guess :Idunno:
give yourself time, ok? you do deserve that as well as kindness, caring, and love. i have faith you'll get to knowing where the fault lies when you're ready. we're always hardest on ourselves cuz, it seems to me, it's easier. until it isn't. love and hugs, my dear db. :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 30, 2020, 12:55:47 AM
give yourself time, ok? you do deserve that as well as kindness, caring, and love. i have faith you'll get to knowing where the fault lies when you're ready. we're always hardest on ourselves
:yeahthat:
:hug: :hug: to you DB
Hi Deep Blue,
I agree with the sentiments of everyone in that no-one deserves to be abused and that survivors of all trauma`s are not to blame even though our brains often trigger or even trick our feelings of doubt, guilt and shame which adds to the confusion leaving us to think that maybe we were at fault, when we most certainly are not.
I would like to offer you a hug if that is ok? I would also like to offer you some hope.....your questions, your doubts and your pain are all part of your healing process and you are so much stronger than you can possibly imagine. I hope you do not mind me sharing a process i have been and still am currently working through as my intention is really to offer you support and encouragement as well as recognizing your courage.
I have now learned to see these thoughts and feelings for what they are, imposters!! With the biggest one being that i was not good enough, (the very same imposter as "it was my fault"). I no longer see staying in that environment meant that i deserved this. As a child or an adult if we stay in an abusive environment, then we do this partly out of fear, partly out of survival and as weird as this may sound partly out of 'love'!! Always without a choice!!!
Deep Blue your inner courage and love for yourself, your love and compassion for others will come out, it may not feel it at the moment but it will. And that is what makes you stronger than those imposters in your mind and always stronger than those who were to weak and insecure to recognise the wonderful person you are and always have been.
Wings,
Wow! I can't tell you how much what you said just clicked with me.
Staying in an abusive environment does not mean that I deserved it. I can honestly say I never would have thought of it that way. Thank you so much for saying that. That simple statement does give me hope.
My story is exactly as what you described. I stayed for fear, for survival and also for love.
:hug: Back to you and thanks. The revelation you gave me today is nothing short of HUGE