I am finding myself drawn back to this community. I would like to start documenting in a different diary. My intention for 2021 is to be gentle especially with myself. That is proving difficult as I also find myself beginning to face the toxic shame I carry with me.
I think I am entering a new phase of my healing and going even deeper into wounds I still carry. My window of tolerance for a number of things is expanding as I find more tools that help me. As this happens, more and more comes up.
Some of the things that come up surprise me - they are one off moments that I did not realize I was holding on to. Others surprise me because they are more painful and deep.
My job also continues to be a challenge as I manage being triggered by students and adults I work with. I have cried more based on things I've seen kids going through as I see them experiencing trauma. I'm not sure if they actually are or if I am reading my experience into theirs.
I'm not sure where this year is going but recognize I could use some support from others that understand CPTSD as I find my way.
❤️
I'm glad you're back and want to include us on your journey! Good job for wanting to be kind to yourself. I know this is hard to do many times. Like you said, you will keep gaining tools as you recover - and hopefully that will be one of them.
You are so right, this recovery journey is full of surprises! I hope you come across some good ones soon that you didn't expect :)
Hi Rainydiary,
Wishing you the best for 2021 and for your new journal, and welcome back.
Hope :)
Rainydiary, welcome back :hug: Missed you, happy to here that you've found new tools that help and sending you much support and care for your recovery journal :hug:
Pioneer, Hope, Marta - thank you for the welcome back! I'm so grateful to be back and to read posts that make me feel less alone. I haven't really found anyone in my life that I can talk about CPTSD and receive the understanding I seek.
This past week was tough and I felt a ton of discomfort in my body. Some of the discomfort was that I overworked my body through running and I took a rest week. Taking care of myself in that way felt odd and in some ways "wrong" - I was raised "to push through" and made to feel bad for not being up to something. I was fortunate to have a massage appointment this week and it helped a great deal.
My husband and I have decided to take a short trip out of town since Monday is a US holiday and we don't have work. I do bring some fear to this as the US has been extremely unsettled of late. I hope the trip will give me some courage to bring up conversations that I avoid with my husband. I think we have been stuck in how to move forward as a couple for a long time. A big part of me (the part abandoned as a child) expects that pattern to continue and for my husband to abandon me. I tell myself that my life would be easier if I didn't have to deal with the strife that can come from being married. I don't actually believe I need to be out of this marriage...I just don't know how to accept that someone would want to work through difficult times with me.
In the past month I have been seeing the ways in which I have tried to exert control over my life in order to feel safe. I work so hard to keep routines and habits in place so that I don't have any surprises. Yet in many ways these things can keep me stuck and don't prevent life from happening. It is also tricky because my nature is to be in solitude, to be sensitive, to be organized, to need a lot of thinking time. These things get mashed together with the way I experienced trauma and perhaps make my natural tendencies more extreme and painful.
I am in a very different place in my body and mind than I was a year ago. In many ways it is a good thing. But I am also learning how even positive change can be stressful. I am trying to trust the direction in which I am moving.
welcome back, rainy. i'm so glad you find this forum to be a supportive place for you.
i hope your trip goes well. i had some amazing road trips, with some of the best conversations in my life. i hope it works out well for you and your H. :yes:
we're here for you, as always. stay safe. love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate your words San. :hug:
This morning when I woke up in a place that isn't my home, I experienced a great deal of overwhelm. This often happens to me when I travel. Our trip was overall lovely but not sleeping in my own bed is challenging for me.
I tried to notice what was coming up as I laid in the hotel missing my cat. I recalled a time as a child where I slept over at a friend's house. I woke up earlier than everyone else and began to feel so overwhelmed. I could hear her mom preparing breakfast and I wanted out so badly so that I could go home. Yet I didn't reach out to anyone....I just laid there and waited.
From there it occurred to me that given the number of times I moved growing up in a military family, it is not wonder traveling can be so overwhelming. I was expected to manage all of that transition in a superhuman way and a lot of abuse occurred around moves. My thoughts drifted from there to recalling a number of traumatic moments in my life.
Amidst all that thought spiraling, I saw how I don't use tools available to me. At home, I have a number of go to things I do. I have also started adapting some of those things to work. Yet when I am away from home that all goes away. So I work hard to stay at home and keep my life as predictable as possible so that I don't feel so overwhelmed. I will plan to remember this the next time I go on a trip (which I'm sure will be in a while).
sending a reminder to you so you can remember those tools even while not at home. :heythere: (that's supposed to indicate a desk full of drawer, all filled with tools that might be helpful).
i remember a couple i knew who had 2 young boys. they moved a lot for his work, and i asked once how it affected their kids. she just dismissed it saying 'kids are resilient'. i didn't believe it then that all those moves wouldn't be difficult to deal with, and i don't believe it now. your words speak a truth about that. i can't imagine having to pick up, leave friends behind, move to a new school and neighborhood, make new friends, different environment each time, different neighbors - so much change so often! it makes total sense to me that traveling, while some of us see it as a positive experience, can be re-traumatizing to others.
love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
I appreciate your words San. I think growing up I told myself and others it was ok and resilient is a word I used. But it hurt very much in many ways. There were pros to being exposed to many people and ways of life but not only did I have a family that couldn't meet my emotional and psychological needs, I frequently had to leave those that could have (and did as well as they could) supported me. Thank you for validating my experience. :hug:
I've been reading Brene Brown's books and in reading about shame a lot is coming up. What's been most surprising to me are the ways shame shows up in how I think about and view my body. As I've been working to feel safe in my body and to see my body as my ally, I see all the ways I've been unkind and tried to distance myself from my body. It's like I was trying to run away from myself.
I am generally just tired - the holiday season and back to work push are catching up. I am looking forward to more daylight and small luxuries like getting a massage and a haircut. In the meantime, one step at a time.
body issues are so common among trauma survivors. our bodies have held emotions, feelings, abuse, comfort, taken the blows (metaphorical and literal) in order that our minds could continue working. that your body has brought you along to this day, even while struggling, is a testament to what an ally it's been thru everything. of course we've often mistreated our bodies, felt shame about them, hated them, and i think we've somehow projected what was done to and felt by ourselves as we went thru life. that would make sense for the feeling of trying to run away from yourself. you haven't learned how to love yourself fully yet, mainly cuz you weren't loved fully by others.
hang tough, rainy. we'll get thru this. i'm looking forward to visiting a spa, getting a massage and a steam also, but it's just not possible now. still, something to look forward to. one step at a time, indeed! love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your reflection and thoughts. I think that as I connect more between my mind and body I find corners and areas to explore that surprise me.
My body continues to be on my mind for a variety of reasons. I am not a mother and I face a lot of judgment for that from relatives and people I encounter at work. My in-laws made a comment at Christmas about my childfreeness and I didn't realize how much I was carrying that comment with me until today.
My ankle has been sore and I attributed it to running. I do think it was related to running somewhat. I recently started tapping (I don't know if there a fancier name for it) and today I did a guided tapping meditation for my ankle. In the meditation it asked what emotions I might be holding and right away to mind came my Little Me. She used to be stuck in my shoulder and has seemed to move on. It also occurred to me that around the time my ankle started feeling really sore I was at home a lot and feeling stuck.
I am trying to care for my body and taking a rest from running. I am planning to run a 50K race later this year and I think some of my ankle stress is from worry/fear of that too. I am still trying to honor my body and be gentle with myself as I navigate all these feelings.
I am feeling extremely tired today. I felt fine most of the day but now that I am home from work I feel drained.
I did a few meditations after work about the connection between the mind and body. I am feeling some muscle tension in areas that is normal for me. This tension bothers me more than I acknowledge. I want it to go away. The tension (I think) has both physical and psychological causes.
As I think about my areas of chronic tension, what comes to mind is how hard my body has tried to protect me from what I am thinking and feeling. My body tried to keep me safe by clenching my shoulders and hips so as to hold myself together.
I think I mostly feel very alone today. A person from my past comes to mind as someone that I felt safe with but wasn't able to express that to them or to allow myself to develop a relationship with them. Each step of my journey has felt like I do it on my own even if I am surrounded by others.
I feel a lot of deep emotion wanting to come out. This usually comes out through tears but they aren't falling.
I think for now I should rest and eat some dinner and see where that brings me.
Welcome back Rainy :grouphug:
Sounds like a good step that you're taking a time out to listen to what your body is saying. A lot of the time I feel the need to push through things because it's easier to push through it than it is to stop and listen to what is going on. I don't know if this is because it felt so out of control growing up, and the body is the one thing I could control (not to mention told to control to look a certain way etc). It's easier to try to fit in than stand out I guess, especially when standing out wasn't safe.
Thank you Dollyvee. What you say about trying to fit in because it felt unsafe to stand out is really resonating with me today. That actually helps me reframe my day.
I felt okay at work today but when I got home I felt extremely low. In looking back, I expressed a need for support in several ways at work today. Doing that leaves me feeling very unsafe. I perceive some people not truly acknowledging my concerns or needs. Also even if I seek help it doesn't mean anything will change and I will continue to deal with the same stuff I have been dealing with.
I did try to process with a few friends. I'm not sure it helped. It's possible after work I was experiencing an EF. My EFs aren't as "strong" as they have been - they seem to be more subtle these days to the point I don't recognize them as such. My job often keeps me living in survival mode.
I think at some point I would like to decide if working in an environment that is constantly triggering me is worth it. I have a dream of creating my own business and specializing. I would also like to incorporate yoga/mindfulness into my work in a different way than I can working in a school.
I have seen variations of a quote recently on how different the world is viewed from a place of survival. I think I also struggle to get my point across at work because very few people actually know how to it feels to live with CPTSD. It hurts me when I perceive other people to be thinking "what is her deal?"
I hope some sleep and time this weekend will help me restore. I really wish I could have a weekend to myself without my husband. I also wonder about ways I use to define myself - for so long I attributed a lot of my needs to being an introvert, to being highly sensitive. Sometimes I don't know where those end and my tendencies born of trauma begin. Those things are still a part of me but it is confusing to me.
Rainy Diary,
It's nice to be hearing from you again.
Even if it didn't help to process with friends, it probably was still a healthy choice, to reach out. I know that can be so difficult. People don't really understand what it's like to live with cPTSD. How could they? For me, the few friends who are able to have empathy, even though they only can get a little bit of it, are treasured. I share very little with those who have a "move on" or "quick answer" mentality.
I also have muscle tightness. My shoulders are usually like rocks. I read somewhere about "body-armoring." Our bodies have spent a lifetime trying to protect themselves.
Thank you Notalone. Sometimes it takes me a while to know myself and I wasn't picking up on how another work transition is a tremendous trigger for me. I've been trying to sit with it today and while I am still in my EF, I am at least aware now. I definitely see the ways my body has armored in an attempt to protect me.
This morning has been intense and I am crying as I write this with more tears needing out. I read a passage in one of Brene Brown's books where she references work by Dr. Uram (I can't recall the first name). Dr. Uram has a way of talking about "remembering the wound" versus "being the wound." For some reason that strikes me so much. I am often my wounds. Brene Brown also provides a definition of trauma from Dr. Uram that inclusive of big and "quiet" traumas and acknowledges that things from our childhoods that felt out of our control can be traumatic. This is so validating to me and this passage really summarized all I have been learning over the past year.
Yet it doesn't make the experience of living this way easier. I am crying because I feel ashamed of how I view my marriage and for the struggles I experience. My inner critic often tells me that if I was healthier I wouldn't have a partner who is enmeshed with their family. And yet I see that without him I am not sure if I would have gotten to the place where I am.
My husband and his sister had a fight this morning. Their fight triggers many wounds for me. Mostly I want him to realize that he doesn't have to do the things his sister wants him to do. Normally I would stay out of his way but today I tried to consider how I would feel in that moment. If I was suffering, I would want my husband to reach out. So I went to where he was and asked how I could help. He vented for a bit. I've been trying to show him curiosity of his experiences instead of adding judgment. I hope this will help move us in a different direction.
*sigh*
This morning I am reflecting on how difficult reaching out and speaking my truth can be.
I often feel uneasy by how others respond (or don't respond) and sometimes it makes me feel like I should have stayed silent. This absolutely has a lot of root in being a little one whose needs were not met.
It feels like so much work to stay present with myself and my feelings. I think I put pressure on myself to "figure it out" and get to a point where I never make mistakes in caring for myself....but that is not realistic.
I hope this week I can continue to be gentle with myself.
Hi rainy, it's good to hear from you again! Welcome back! I hope you've been well. I look forward to reading your posts.
Hi Buddy, I'm glad to hear from you!
As this Sunday has progressed I have been really up and down. I am noticing more hypervigilance than I've experienced in a while. I have moments where I am ok but dread keeps creeping in.
The things that I think are eating away at the most are my interactions with colleagues and the constant shifting from being in school and being sent home to work.
I discovered a problem at work on Friday and sent an email to the people involved. I am worried the email was too aggressive and will only lead to more problems. I also worry that as I try to build my relationship with colleagues that I insert myself in conversations that I shouldn't. All weekend difficult moments with colleagues have come to mind - their faces when I react in a way that doesn't make sense to them leaves me feeling so icky.
Since August, I've been told to be at work and sent home with drastic shifts in how I work about every 2-3 months. It is exhausting. We are returning to in person learning tomorrow and all I can think is how long until we are sent home again. The uncertainty and the lack of empathy received from our leadership is extremely overwhelming.
I am definitely experiencing shame in my work. I want to prove to everyone that I am extremely good at my job. I struggle so much to appear calm on the outside when inside I am often just trying to hold it together. It is useful to me to remind myself that I don't have to prove my worth.
I had gotten to a place a few weeks ago where I wasn't so overwhelmed but it has cranked up as the changes keep rolling in. I hope to find my way back to that place.
:hug:
I made it through my workday and the things I was especially anxious about ended up not being as big of deals as I had made them out to be.
Today I am trying to keep in mind that I have 16 Mondays left until summer vacation from work. Work does not have to feel a certain way. When people asked me how I am today I was honest without oversharing. I noticed how stressed I was being around so many people.
I listened to a podcast today about the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. I hope to read that book as their framing of emotions seems interesting.
I am exhausted today. I am hoping to be gentle with myself and rest this evening.
I'm glad to hear you made it through alright :)
It's tough sometimes to get your bearings back when theres so much going on. It's like every time your feet touch the ground, the ground disappears again.
Take care of yourself!
Alter-eg0 - I appreciate the encouragement. I like the image of the ground being there and then not - that really captures how it's felt.
My work day started with an early meeting where I felt useless and not heard. I think I want to be this valuable resource for students and most don't see me that way. I also had this plan of beautiful things I wanted to say at the meeting and the words that came out didn't feel as impactful. I began to feel agitated during the meeting and realized I had left my fidget at home that has brought me some comfort. This meeting set a low tone for my day. I tried connecting with folks about not feeling ok but it didn't help today.
I got home and did my best to let the day go. I talked with my husband some about how I am feeling, did yoga, and tried to keep things low key. I found myself calming more and tried to reflect on my day. I had this aim to be gentle with myself this month. It occurred to me that I am gentle with myself at home but not at work. I have all of these systems and things I intend to do. My best laid plans are often thwarted. I try so hard and give so much.
In many ways I think I try so hard to prove to everyone I am worthy and good and not broken. I'm not as good at taking care of myself at work because there is so much I can't control. There is also this weird pressure to always appear calm on the outside when inside it is messier. I am noticing that things I do to cope at work might make me dissociate until I can get home.
I am curious to see how I could be gentle with myself at work. Tomorrow will be a lower key day and most of my colleagues will work at home. I do feel somewhat discouraged because I continue to unravel the layers of my experience and find more and more and more of what leads me to experience EFs. It makes me wonder if I will ever be ok anywhere.
Hi rainy, I'm sorry to hear you had a tough day at work. I hear you and can relate.
For what it's worth it seems like you really are starting to get the tools in place to cope with work better. You appear to be dealing with work miles ahead compared to what you discussed in the spring. I guess my point is even though you are less gentle on yourself at work, I feel like progress is being made
Buddy, I appreciate you commenting and offering perspective for me. I do feel very different now than I did a year ago.
Today was a relatively chill day. It was too cold and snowy to run outdoors so I rode my indoor bicycle. Most of my colleagues worked at home so I had more quiet and less stimulation at work which helped. My husband also took care of getting dinner prepared which was nice too.
Something I am wondering about is if as I continue to heal I will try to keep myself worked up to feel like I am used to feeling. It still doesn't feel fully safe to feel good.
I'm out of sorts today. Nothing in particular wrong just worn out.
Last night after I posted on the forum, I picked a fight with myself. I began thinking about my in-laws. I am worried they will be visiting in a few months and just the thought of that is enough to set me off. I would be perfectly fine never seeing them again. It makes me wonder how I will handle the future of my marriage when I cannot stand the presence of my husband's family and he feels very differently than I do.
I feel low in general at work. Much of it is because it has triggered toxic core beliefs I hold about myself and it has been especially bad. But also because it feels like my employer expects us to move on and act like there is no more virus. I don't exactly feel unsafe at work but I also don't think now is the time to relax about the virus.
I must also acknowledge that even people telling me they are healing in me is difficult. I did have a coworker validate my experience yesterday. In many ways those positive words even trigger my core belief that I am not worth it.
Quote from: rainydiary on January 28, 2021, 12:23:24 AM
Something I am wondering about is if as I continue to heal I will try to keep myself worked up to feel like I am used to feeling. It still doesn't feel fully safe to feel good.
That makes a lot of sense, Rainydaiary. There's a safety in not feeling good. Like a cave that you can hide in.
I personally believe that doing that, has a function. And you'll keep doing it as long as you still need to, until there comes a day when you've learned better tools and you just don't need it anymore. And even then, there might be times when you decide to get back into the cave for a bit, if you need to. Which is fine.
I also don't think you need to "unlearn" that response; it's more about learning other, better tools alongside it. Extra tools in the toolchest, if you will.
You'll always sunconciously pick the one best fit to deal with the situation you're in.
You're doing a good job, one step at a time. The up's and downs are all part of the process. :cheer:
Alter-Eg0 - I appreciate that reminder. I am seeing how I am now in a place I haven't been before. I need to make a new way forward and in the meantime healing is still occurring as well as life and my feelings are ever present. It also hurts to acknowledge that when I was growing up no feelings were safe - I was either too sad or too happy or too whatever so I learned to constantly analyze and self monitor and try to be perfect and try to be pleasing to others. I am overall more accepting of myself and my feelings with still more work to do.
The past few days have been ok. I've been able to feel good even though things still feel difficult and complicated. I tried some new recipes this weekend and was proud of carrying them out. I also was able to connect with some folks in my network which was pleasant.
As I get ready to start another work week, I am noticing how much effort I have put into managing my trauma responses at work. I think I have done this because work is a huge part of my week and I couldn't keep job hopping like I have been. Also, in many ways I think it feels "safer" to me to try out strategies with people that I'm not as emotionally connected to.
I notice that I am in a place where I need my relationship to my husband to be different. I read something over the weekend that said something like "if you received emotional unavailability from your family growing up, you may seek emotional unavailability in relationships." My husband can be emotionally responsive to me but most often is not. He has been trying to help me out around the house more and I notice that he seems to take time for himself to do things important to him in a way he hasn't before. Yet I see him as a trauma survivor that doesn't know it. He prefers to expresshis feelings for me primarily through sex which is often difficult for me because we can go for so long without speaking to each other in a meaningful way that I struggle to engage.
My observation is that because he is enmeshed with his FOO he doesn't always have the tools or knowledge to participate in conversations that make a partnership stronger. I make a lot of excuses about this and I often spend a lot of energy being mad at my in-laws when it is really my husband I am upset with.
I have been trying to adjust my behavior. If I am honest, I don't always try to talk to him first. I expect him to be more available or to know I need to talk. I see times where I could have put myself out there and initiated a conversation. I think I hesitate because most often in the past when I have tried he replies so vague and "doesn't know" or is really busy with whatever he is doing.
I also am noticing deep down how I might hold back because I expect him to be another person that abandons me. I am afraid that he is deeply unhappy with me and not willing to express that and find what will make him happy. I am trying really hard to be myself and do what I think is right. I want him to be my partner but I know I have changed so much in ways he doesn't understand. When we met we were both emotionally in similar places but now I understand myself so much more and it makes his behavior so much more hurtful.
I plan to continue to try my best to put out there what I need and to ask for it. I haven't ever been able to accept his relationship to his FOO and am feeling less sure how to continue to deal with it. It hurts me to see how they treat each other and how he does what they want often at the expense of our relationship.
Sounds like you're making a lot of new insights Rainy and uncovering it is that you need :cheer:
That's a bunch of insight!
It's really valuable to not only see what you need from someone, and also have insight into your own part in the matter. That gives you so much power and options. More than just waiting for something or someone to change, anyway. Nice going! ;D
Quote from: rainydiary on February 01, 2021, 04:12:14 AM
It also hurts to acknowledge that when I was growing up no feelings were safe - I was either too sad or too happy or too whatever so I learned to constantly analyze and self monitor and try to be perfect and try to be pleasing to others. I am overall more accepting of myself and my feelings with still more work to do.
Rainy Diary, I just want to affirm that your feelings are okay. I encourage you in you efforts to be more accepting of yourself and of what you are feeling.
Quote from: rainydiary on February 01, 2021, 04:12:14 AM
I tried some new recipes this weekend and was proud of carrying them out. I also was able to connect with some folks in my network which was pleasant.
:cheer: :thumbup: :applause:
I relate to a lot of what you talked about in your marriage. I started writing more, but I don't want to take over with my own stuff. Also, what applies to my situation might not apply to yours. At any rate, you are not alone, I get the high level of pain and frustration.
Dollyvee, Alter-Eg0, Notalone - I appreciate the encouragement and support. I appreciate the chance to say things here and know others can relate.
Today I feel ok. I am noticing my ability at work to establish boundaries and not freak out when others push against them. I am having more positive connections with some of my colleagues. I had a good run this morning and feel like my leg is healing. I did my best to check in with my husband this morning when he got up earlier than I was expecting.
I am seeing how because I felt so badly about myself I expect(ed) the worst in others. I am still trying to sort out what is going on in my marriage. Last year I wrote myself a letter of where I would be if I hadn't met my husband. I think I may try to write another one of those.
This week I receive my 2nd dose of the COVID vaccine. Several of my coworkers are as well and there is a lot of drama related to if we will have side effects.
Today was surprisingly difficult. Nothing major happened but as I reflect on my day there were a number of moments that pushed my buttons:
1) starting my workday working with my least favorite, gaslighting coworkers
2) having to work with a student at my desk where colleagues were speaking loudly because there were no private spaces for me to go to
3) a student cancelling our appointment because he needed to stay in class
4) a colleague pulling a student to work with when I was there to work with her
5) our principal being our office speaking loudly - I have not gotten over a conversation I had with her in October where she gaslighted me and basically told me I am not friendly
6) unintentionally spoke about a student with a colleague while the student was standing behind me
7) just generally feeling anxious about how my body will react to the vaccine tomorrow
8) coming home to see the dishes undone and my husband commenting how he doesn't like my plan for dinner
9) having a temper tantrum after my husband said that where I verbally processed my day but deep down feel mad at myself for not being able to find the words I want to say to my husband about our relationship
With most of these moments, I am seeing how I don't take time in my day to process what I feel. I have a difficult feeling and I push it down in order to get through the day. As I push them down, stories I tell myself about not being important or valued come up which results in me not being as ready to handle what comes my way.
I hope to try finding a way to express my feelings in moments. I notice that it is moments where something I wasn't fully expecting happens. I don't have the same problem always with planned things. Today was a lot of unplanned stuff that got under my skin.
Sounds like the bucket overfloweth :|
Take care, and good luck tomorrow!
Alter-Eg0 - that is a good description. My bucket has been flooding out....
I had my second COVID vaccination and ended up not feeling well for the past two days. My arm hurt like crazy and I went between chills and fever. I tried to go back to work on the day after my vaccine and ended up going home early. On Friday I woke up with a fever and decided to stay home. My upbringing of "tough it out" made it so difficult for me to take that time for myself. I slept a lot and am feeling much better today.
Something that has been coming up of late is my history of sexual assaults. I think that this is one of the few times I am actually acknowledging that my initial sexual experiences were assaults.
I feel like I've been healing the wounds of childhood abuse and now I am finding that I need healing from things that came about as a result of being wounded from childhood. I haven't been able to go too deeply into the assaults. My stomach clenches when I think of it.
A start is awareness. I'm not as sure how to navigate through this.
Hi rainy, I can relate to the tough it out mindset. I took a few mental health days off last week and it was very difficult for me to do so. But I'm glad to hear that you took time for yourself. I've heard that second dose is no joke for a lot of people.
As far as the sexual assaults, I'm sorry that happened to you and that you are starting to process those now. But it appears to me as a significant positive step in your healing. I'm sure you are not fully healed from the wounds of childhood but being in a place to begin addressing the next layer of wounds seems huge!
Buddy, I appreciate the reminders and support.
Today I notice:
How I unintentionally put my values on others because I want them to experience hope and confidence in who they are
How I am able to hold space for my students to be with difficult feelings while I see others moving away
That I see areas for healing but am moving through it with a gentleness I didn't have before
That I am fatigued from work and don't feel heard but that I am doing better at trying to make connections with trusted others when I am feeling that way
This morning I woke up with my shame triggered and my IC on my case. It occurred to me that I am supposed to help a student with something that has never been my responsibility in the past so I didn't know I needed to do it. There is time to finish and it isn't in the long run a big deal, but I was often punished growing up for not "knowing better."
Other things this week that I think are contributing to my feelings:
I did a professional development course on trauma in neurodiverse people - any course I take on trauma while informative is also a bit triggering
I shared an idea I have with an administrator and feel exposed for putting it out there as most admin I talk to shoot down my ideas
I am changing my behavior at work. I notice how many of my colleagues bond over gossip and I have gotten caught up in that. I chose to not do that this week and it makes me feel better but very alone
I heard from a former colleague/friend this week. I was glad to hear from her but it also brings up old feelings and thoughts
I am weary and fatigued from the amount of effort I put into everything I do
Hi rainy, sorry you had a tough day. I can relate by the exhaustion, the amount of work that it takes to do something. Things being more difficult than they 'should' be.
I hope you find time to rest and recuperate.
Rainy Diary,
I want to applaud you for your self-awareness. :applause: Also a big cheer for deciding to stay out of the gossip. I hear how that can be aloning. You are walking the higher road. :cheer:
Thanks Buddy and Notalone. It's funny that after I wrote this my day got more intense. The amount of information I receive at work is often too much. Part of me is not surprised by the news we received but most of me is not able to fully grasp what it means. The trauma of the pandemic continues and piles up on top of stuff I'm already struggling with.
I am overall feeling ok but have had a difficult day with my husband. I wanted to make a cake for Valentine's Day and it has blown up in my face. I think I made too big deal out of the cake that my husband is triggered (his family is very abusive around holidays and expectations for holidays). He is also avoidant in his attachment so instead of talking with me he has fallen asleep after acting cold and distant to me for a while. I didn't mean to make it into such a big thing. And now I just want to throw it in the trash after working so hard for hours.
I've been struggling with my connection to my husband. I have noticed he seems to be having less contact with his family and I wonder if that accounts for how he has been acting. He has been more argumentative with me (which is how his family interacts and it makes sense that if he isn't getting that out of his system with them it is going to come out at me). I'm feeling a great deal of shame that I don't fully know what is going on with him. We don't communicate very well about a number of things and I feel so sad and ashamed about that.
I'm struggling because I've uncovered and healed so much for myself that I want him to have that experience and opportunity as well. But that isn't within my control. I'm having a hard time processing all of this in addition to processing our pandemic world.
In times like this I have escape and rescue fantasies. None of the fantasies are things I actually want or will act on, but I need a break. I feel so bad at connecting with others that it feels like I would be better off on my own.
Today I made a call with a colleague to Child Protective Services due to something a student wrote in an assignment I gave them. I feel a kinship with this student because I know they experience emotional abuse.
Making that call has left me feeling very exposed today. I just spend some time crying about it. Although I receive training about abuse and neglect as I am a mandatory reporter, I have often felt (and experienced) how difficult emotional abuse is to detect and support. I know how it feels so I see it in students I work with. But I wonder what will really help and if anyone besides those of us that work with the student will take action to support them.
I haven't felt emotionally well this week in general and am not sure how to care for myself right now. I do things that are "common" like sleeping enough, eating well, and exercising. But right now those aren't enough.
I'm taking a moment for a mini spa day at home and some things are coming up.
Earlier today I had a text conversation with my dad. I struggle to communicate with him and find myself keeping things surface. He mentioned my mom is coming from my grandma's and that is has been a tough trip. My grandmother has dementia and it is difficult. I don't know all of my grandmother's story but I do know she experienced trauma and I don't think dealt with so now as her mind changes I am sure things are coming out that are unpleasant.
I have known for some time that my trauma was born of generational difficulties and the trauma experienced by my parents and their parents and on. What I admire about my grandmother is that she moved herself out of her childhood home while she was in high school so that she could finish school (and to escape abuse - the part of the story that isn't directly told or acknowledged). While I come from people that are not ok I also come from people with deep strength who did their best to make their lives better.
Today I feel a lot of connection with my grandma. I have never been particularly close to her as no one in my family is really close. Something that always bothered me about her is how much she gave and gave up to be a wife and mother. I watched her move to my grandfather's hometown where his whole family (pretty much) lives. I saw how she didn't feel at ease and wasn't really welcomed by her in-laws. I always felt sad for her.
And now I see why I react so strongly to my relationship with my husband and my in-laws. I don't want to be trapped like my grandma was in my perception. My grandpa wasn't a bad person yet he definitely had his stuff and gender roles were very stereotypical. I think they did the best they could - my mom and my aunts were first generation college students which is something. But I think I carry this deep generational rage of "is this really all that is expected of a woman?"
I am noticing grief for my grandma. Her body is alive but her mind isn't at all connected to her anymore. I'm sorry for the pain she is feeling and for the pain my mom and aunts are enduring. I have boundaries with it all but I am still a product of their lives.
Today was a difficult day due to unexpected news. A coworker of mine died unexpectedly over the weekend.
As the day has progressed since I got that news I am feeling exhausted and sad. This colleague was one of the only people who treated me with kindness my first year in my job.
I have been feeling a sense of dread that something bad was going to happen and now it has. The thought I had was that the stuff that really knocks you down is stuff you aren't expecting.
This touches the part of me that has experienced great loss. I started reading a book yesterday about loss and I think it made me especially raw today.
I have lost so much and am so overwhelmed when loss occurs. I hope sleep will help. I cried a great deal today and did my best to care for myself.
Rainy Diary, I am sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Rainy Diary. I hear your hurt. I'm glad you were able to care for yourself.
Rainy, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. I'm sure it's been especially raw as this individual sounds like one of the good ones compared to your other colleagues. I do hope you are able to take care of yourself.
Notalone, Snowdrop, and Buddy - thank you for your words of support. Today I saw some people cleaning out our colleague's classroom and it made me sad. It is tough because loss is this nerve that goes so deep inside of me.
I am in an EF right now. Today was just a series of small, irritating on their own things that added up to me feeling overwhelmed and ashamed I can't handle it all. I also had some interactions with others where I left feeling like I should have said nothing.
There is this constant lack of stability in my job that is eating away at me. It is only 4:30 in the afternoon and I would like to go to bed.
I am trying to notice the root, rotten core belief at the bottom of this EF. I think it is that I should always be in control and am not allowed to show my emotions. When I can't do that because it isn't human, I feel ashamed and my IC tells me I am dumb and incompetent and that others don't want me around.
I will do my best to rest this evening.
I'm having a difficult day emotionally. A lot of memories are coming up and my IC is giving me a hard time. I think I should pause soon and listen to those things coming up.
I woke up this morning feeling rested and learned that work was cancelled due to a snow day. I couldn't process the information and cross checked the text I received with other sources. I am realizing this is because when growing up there were a number of times my family didn't know it was a snow day, my mom brought me to school, and we were shamed for not knowing.
I have this restless energy today. I was not allowed to rest as a child and I feel extreme guilt that I have an unexpected day off. It is also weird timing because I am so overwhelmed at work and this day does not feel like a break when there are deadlines looming. But there is nothing I can accomplish today and that isn't my fault.
This time of year is always difficult in my job and I think a lot of what is coming up are past jobs where I felt incompetent, like I was letting people down, and felt terrible for not being able to keep all the plates spinning. I think deep down everyone knows I can't actually do it all, but it not spoken about. So shame stays because I can't speak it. Or if I try to speak it it comes out in a way that others find off putting and isn't really what the problem is.
I wish I could help others see the world from a place of survival. It is painful and awful many days. I am going to finish making the cookies I started and then spend some time checking in with myself.
I've taken some time to check in with myself.
I see how I am not accepting of myself. I know I have made growth and have experienced some healing. Yet I am punishing myself for things and still repeating the mean things I was told growing up. Lots of shoulds in my mind. I catch myself doing things for others even if it makes me feel yucky.
I am noticing that I am focusing on a different area of my body. Before all I could focus on was my shoulders and upper back. I often felt my younger self trapped in my right shoulder. Now I think she is bringing attention to my hips/low back/stomach. So much going on in these areas. It is a little overwhelming.
I also acknowledged how I feel in my marriage right now. I think I have been hiding from how I really feel for preservation of a time my brain is trying to trick me into thinking was simpler.
Right now I feel a bit lighter.
Hi rainy,
Your previous post about having a snow day, feeling restless and the guilt associated resonated with me. I
Can imagine that with the looming deadlines but not be able to work you've been itching just to do something.
It sounds like overall you were able to check in with yourself and be gentle. I hope that continues.
Buddy, I appreciate your response. Today has been difficult and this helped a lot.
I didn't recognize that I was in an EF on Wednesday and I sent an email to some senior colleagues expressing stress. I spent all of my snow day regretting sending that email but expecting that my colleagues would check in.
I arrived to work today and they essentially ignored me. It made me feel so small. I felt like I'd said something nasty. In truth I can appreciate that my colleagues are burned out and don't know what to say or do. But it feels mean.
I am tired of self monitoring constantly and wondering if I am being "nice enough" or "happy enough" or "friendly enough." It's like other people are telling me "keep your trauma in check because it makes me feel bad."
This day was hard because things that got cancelled yesterday had to be made up today and it felt like 2 days in 1. I had non stop meetings most of which made me question why I am even there.
I hope sleep tonight will provide some relief. But I feel incredibly alone.
My EF finally ended today. As I reflect on this past week, I spent much of it in an EF.
Today I had the image of my father yelling at me and using his size to intimidate me. I realized that is what is where my EF - those times as a child where my dad especially was yelling. I felt so confused and hurt - I couldn't understand what I had done wrong. I felt rejected by the people that were supposed to care for me and I am still dealing with the consequences of their behavior.
I would say I haven't been kind to myself of late. I also don't accept myself in many ways. I hope to be mindful of this in the coming days. I am not always sure how to show myself care and it is especially difficult when in an EF.
As I have finally calmed my brain today, I have felt deeply exhausted which makes sense. I hope to go easier on myself this week.
Random stuff coming up today.
I am completely overstimulated by work. What is really getting to me is the music they have been blaring through the intercom during passing periods. I have a sensitive nervous system and this pushes me over the edge each day. I don't know how to handle it.
I decided to have a small glass of wine and notice it relaxes me almost too far. I came to a point where I start to feel alarm at the level of relaxation. I am not much of a drinker and each time I drink alcohol these days I remember why. It leaves me feeling out of control.
I have also had some weird colleague interactions I'm not sure how to deal with. I requested some information from a teacher and she basically refused and argued with me about why I needed the information. It annoyed me because I have specialized training and it isn't her concern why I need certain information. I have moments like this often (and have at every place I've worked). It chips away at me.
I also shared an observation about Coworker 2 to Coworker 1. I said it from a place of frustration and when I was in an EF and regretted saying it as soon as it came out. Coworker 1 is supposed to be someone I can bring challenges to but I'm worried she said something to Coworker 2. He hasn't been acting the same toward me. I could be wrong but I'm not sure I am. Even though Coworker 1 is supposed to help, I know that I annoy her. It would be mean if she did that.
My husband and I planned a trip to see some National Parks in our state. I am looking forward to it and hope we can go (weather this time of the year can be a surprise).
For now I will try to enjoy my cat's snuggles.
Hi rainy I'm glad to hear you are out of your EF. I can relate to not being nice to yourself but I hope you were eventually able to.
I found it interesting you talking about being overstimulated at work and playing music over the intercoms. I vividly remember feeling on edge in the Navy when they would play music over the intercom. Your assessment kind of brought me back there. It's not pleasant.
Anyway I horn you up go easy on yourself and enjoy the outdoors!
Hi Buddy, thanks for your message. Today I tried advocating about the music and shared that it is impacting my ability to do my job. The message I received was "I hear your concern, can you go in a room with a door and close the door?" No, because there are no sound proof rooms. I find the lack of support when people say "this is bothering me" to be extremely hurtful.
My chest has increasingly become tighter as the day has progressed. Each day I go to work I am told more things I am expected to do. Something has to give. Right now what is giving is my ability to cope. I am having trouble relaxing each evening because I have no clue what fresh * awaits tomorrow. I also notice people talking to me like I am a child. My job is one where it becomes a stop gap - I become whatever someone needs me to be in the moment...not a professional with an advanced degree and specialized training.
I think I am feeling the most anxiety because I keep saying no. I'm sure I'll go back on some of my nos but at this point I am being pushed too far and not heard. No becomes the only word people hear. But they don't like it.
I think I have 12 more weeks to get through until a long break. I hope I can feel less stressed but am not hopeful.
I decided to try to go bed early (which isn't working) and a memory came up.
I remember being around 5 or 6 years old. I had so much trouble sleeping and remember thinking "I will never feel good again."
Right now I am crying as I think of that little one in such pain she couldn't understand with no one to talk to. I am crying for myself now because in many ways I still feel the same.
I hope that acknowledging this memory and connecting to that little me brings some peace.
Hi Rainydiary,
I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate the comfort. :hug:
I didn't sleep well last night after hearing the echo my little one. It brought to mind more times where I struggled to sleep. Mostly it made me sad that at such a young age I was filled with such emotion and difficulty.
Today I felt compelled to speak with a coworker about how much I am struggling to not be living in almost all of my 4F responses at work. She told me that if I hadn't told her I was struggling she wouldn't have known. These types of conversations don't always work out but today it did.
I've felt compelled to bring more celebration to my life. I have been making small plans for holidays, even if it is just a special meal. I also bought an essential oil diffuser (which I never thought I would do but sometimes the scents can bring me calm when other things can't) and plan to use it to celebrate the upcoming equinox with a seasonal scent and yoga.
It occurred to me today that this celebratory side is rather foreign for me. I haven't ever felt like I had anything to celebrate. I also have come to hate the big end of year holidays because of my family and my in-laws. But part of me is tired of always feeling down and I hope that finding small ways to celebrate will help somehow.
I am learning more about attachment. The information brings me both relief as well as grief. It is giving me awareness in my marriage. I think also it shows up in other areas of my life and sometimes feel easier to practice different ways of attaching with people familiar but a bit more removed (like my coworker that I spoke with today).
I don't have work tomorrow and hope to be able to recharge a bit over the next few days.
RainyDiary, I have a lot of compassion for your little one.
I would think that students with sensory issues would also struggle with the music. I'm sorry there's another thing making your job more difficult.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 05, 2021, 03:56:49 AM
I am learning more about attachment. The information brings me both relief as well as grief.
For me I feel relief that I'm not crazy. In my case the grief is the lack of connection and very little hope of that changing.
I hope you get a lot of physical and emotional rest this weekend.
Notalone, I appreciate you reading and sharing these thoughts. I did have a good weekend. As I dig more into attachment, it is rubbing me a bit raw. I see how it is showing up in many ways even at work. It is too much for me to process right now.
I am really struggling with work. The constant change is leaving me feeling extremely burned out. Today I learned they will likely be bringing in another person to do the same work as me given an increase in caseload next year. This stresses me out more than having a big caseload. I think it is triggering deep down feelings.
Someone commented to me once that it is interesting how I frame my experience at work and with my husband as worry of being replaced. I am the oldest of four children and I wonder if there is this part of me that feels like I wasn't good enough for my parents so they kept having kids. I also moved around so much growing up and saw how quickly I fell out of the minds of people even ones that were my best friends.
I think I am feeling deeply alone right now. People that were my friends before are not anymore. I kind of want to start over somewhere new. But will starting over help? I don't know.
*sigh*
Quote from: rainydiary on March 09, 2021, 11:31:46 PM
I think I am feeling deeply alone right now.
I know that feeling and it is one of the worse. :hug:
Notalone, I appreciate your message.
As the evening has progressed I realize it would help to acknowledge another part of my day and it's impact on me.
TW (mention of suicide)
I somehow became involved in supporting a student today who was having a difficult time. The student stated to a professional that he wanted to kill himself which activates a protocol our school psychologist needs to follow. I sat with the student until the psychologist could be available. I know this student and enjoy working with him. I should have left the room when the psychologist entered but it seemed like he wanted another person there for support. The student began describing their suicidal ideation. I sat there through it because it felt important for the student to be heard.
But inside I wasn't feeling calm. It brought back memories of my brother in law and his death by suicide.
I didn't acknowledge to anyone how much this bothered me today or that it happened. Or how much it bothers me that my husband and I still haven't processed together what happened with his brother. I became increasingly emotional this evening and reached a tipping point where I began to cry uncontrollably and shared my experience with my husband.
He proceeded to shut down and walk away from me. I left and went to self soothe for a while in our bedroom and then returned to the living room. I tried to open the conversation back up and he did not respond to me. So I am now back in our room.
End TW
So many things just happened and I am feeling shame mostly. My feelings of loneliness earlier came from that the person I feel closest to lives in Arizona and is someone I knew during a three week intensive yoga training almost 2 years ago. The people I thought were my friends at work are not healthy relationships and I felt disregarded by one of these people earlier this week. Beyond my husband and work, I don't have much support where I live.
It recently occurred to me that my friendship skills are limited. Growing up I moved so much that I can befriend people easily and keep a surface relationship going with a wide variety of people. But because of my abusive household, I rarely invited people over. The people that I often identified as friends had stronger personalities than mine and I clung to their initiative or I pushed them away both because I was deeply wounded but also because I knew I would leave them sooner than later. People that I really felt a connection to were left behind as we moved to the next place.
Right now I worry my husband and I hold each other back. He has his own things to deal with given his upbringing and I have mine....but we haven't found a way to come together. His lack of responsiveness to me hurts. There are times he is responsive and for a long time I felt supported by him. Ever since his brother died (which was right before the pandemic) things have not been the same. I think my response to him and to his brother's death hurt him and his response to me and to his brother's death hurt me.
When watching shows, my husband will often comment about a couple "they don't seem to like each other" and it makes me wonder if he is talking about us. I have no doubt I just triggered him. I also have no doubt that he could learn ways to manage that and have a conversation with me. I have no doubt I still have work to do myself.
But right now....such a sad and lonely place to be.
:hug: if you would like. I'm not sure what other words to use right now.
Sounds like you are going through a lot right now Rainy :hug:
At work last week I realized that while most ppl are navigating social relationships and learning how to deal with normal, teen things like learning about who they are - I was learning how to deal with my father's suicide and how to cope with an abusive/narcissistic family. Like you, I guess I could separate what happened as a teen and see the "disadvantage" (I can't think if a better term rn but don't think disadvantage sets up a good dialogue) of how it shaped my relationships. I would attend a workshop of how to make better friends if you grew up in trauma :stars:
Suicide is not an easy thing for anyone to deal with. I'm sorry you and your husband are facing that. I've learned I never talked about it a lot because I found myself managing ppl's reactions to it (and how they feel about suicide), which took a lot of energy and overwrote my own experiences of dealing with it. I didn't want other ppl's opinions/imaginings of what my father must've been like, going through, whatever. It still carries such a stigma (or pity etc) and can imagine that it is hard for people to relate what you guys must be going through.
I watched Derek Scott's video the the other day about exploring your own parts system and thought it was really interesting how external issues will bring up things in our own self and how deep it can go in our part system (and how we sometimes block ourselves because we don't want to hurt our family but that's my take away :fallingbricks:). If you're interested, this is part 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXimi-OP0M8
Jazzy & Dollyvee, I appreciate your words and support.
I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up too early and felt anxiety right away. I used to wake up that way every day but haven't as much lately. I have tightness in my chest.
I am upset and hurting but also trying to be curious about my experience. Right now my old habits are telling me to ignore my husband and keep my mouth shut at work. I have this overwhelming urge to run away and get as far from here as I can. I don't like how I feel but I also know that if I keep silent and avoid it won't help me.
Lately I've noticed more fight in me. On Monday we had an emergency staff meeting. Based on how those meetings usually go I knew I should have skipped it. But I went to be a "team player" but also so that my closest colleagues wouldn't have to break whatever news we were getting. During the meeting our principal said something about how our students need balance in the information they are receiving and that we have to be thoughtful about how and what we say because they have had so much instability. When she said that, I had this strong urge to stand up and yell "what about us?" Adults need stability and support too and many if not all of us are struggling with more than we share. I don't value her leadership style and the games that have been played with us as employees this year.
This will be a day where I need to go one step at a time.
Took one step at a time and made it to the evening. I had a relatively good day. I am reflecting how many things happen in a week and how fast it feels like things move. I'm not sure I am processing everything that is happening or if it will all catch up (which I guess it kind of did yesterday).
Even though I was deeply upset by the student sharing their suicidal ideation yesterday, I am grateful to be a part of that student's life. They shared with the psychologist that I am a person they feel safe with and that they could talk to. I will keep doing my best because it makes a difference for some.
My husband and I are at a truce. We are watching a show on Apple TV called For All Mankind and one of the episodes we watched today had a lot of people expressing difficult emotions in it. He commented that it was a "weird" episode. When I came home today he was sleeping because he had a headache. I think he was actually exhausted from being triggered yesterday. I am trying to not accept responsibility for his lack of emotional expression. I am hoping to find ways to continue to be honest with him about what I need. I reflect that I have been taking action. It occurred to me that he is extremely silent and that we can go for a long time without speaking. I used to attribute this to introversion (which I think it somewhat is). But now I see that it is also avoidance and that it often hurts. I also see how I play my part in that - I get withdrawn sometimes. So, I make effort to speak to him every morning and to say good bye when I leave for work. I'm not sure if it is doing anything but it feels important to try.
I also recently watched WandaVision and found it so moving. It is dark but I felt Wanda's trauma and it helped me to cry through the portrayal of her pain. It occurred to me how many superhero stories are those of trauma. I don't think I've watched many of those types of movies since understanding CPTSD and would like to rewatch with that lens.
I hope to sleep better tonight.
Jazzy's reflections reminded me of something that happened this morning that I forgot about and didn't want to take up space in other people's posts to mention.
I've been running in the mornings. Lately I've been thinking about all the tension in my hips and considering how the tension may in part be from all the times I went into flight mode as a child and adult but couldn't actually run away. My body must have held onto that energy.
This morning my flight instinct was triggered by seeing a dog in my neighborhood not on a leash. I've been chased by dogs in the past and seeing an unleashed dog scares me. I don't think the people in my neighborhood that don't leash their dogs (which is a lot) understand or know about trauma.
But what that moment did was give me the chance to channel the fear and stuck energy I felt into my actual run. I wasn't in actual danger but my body didn't know that. I hope to use my running in the coming months to "run out" the times I couldn't escape.
Yikes, that does sound scary. But, excellent job turning it positive and coming up with an action plan to improve! :applause:
:grouphug:
Thanks Jazzy & Notalone. :grouphug:
Today was really weird. I tried to connect with my coworkers today and feel like it came across weird. I have one coworker in particular that runs hot and cold with me. I get into a weird dynamic with her and now just feel hurt by how I imagine she thinks of me.
I had a meeting at the end of my workday that really put me into a shame spiral. When I joined the meeting (which was virtual) one of my coworkers asked if I would take notes. I said no. I always get asked to take notes - I am not a secretary and when I am asked over and over and over in every meeting (because I do more of these than others) I get worn out by it. The coworker accepted my no...but she and I have had issues in the past and I worry this is going to restart those issues. She will hold onto to this and throw it back at me later.
All I can think is how people will say I am not a team player. I'm not always a team player - that is true. I heard some coworkers today talked about compartmentalizing...like it's a good thing. I don't consider pushing feelings aside a good thing. But now I have this negative talk about how others don't like me and that I can't do this job going.
Another part of that meeting that left me feeling weird is that I introduced myself to someone new and used my first name. They asked what my last name is and said they won't call me by my first name as a sign of respect. I personally thought it was disrespectful to not call me the name I said I was ok with. I hate that about working in a school - I am comfortable with being called my first name which is at odds with school culture.
I tried reaching out to someone today about my feelings but the interaction made me feel worse. My go to people haven't been open to me this week. I tried talking to my husband and his solution is to not acknowledge what I said but to go buy me candy.
I crave deep connection with someone but am not sure that can exist. I have felt odd and out of place my entire life. I'm really feeling that way today and not wanting to face work tomorrow.
After my day yesterday I wrote a post on my social media. This morning my friend from Arizona wrote me a very long private message about what I wrote. I believe she is coming from a place of wanting to help me. What she shared was not helpful to me. I appreciate that she reached out but I didn't ask for her input. I am feeling annoyed toward her.
I don't feel people understand CPTSD. I am working toward not being so reactive but my body and brain hold years and years and years of trauma and amygdala activation that isn't going away over night.
I also believe in being able to share my story without people telling me I shouldn't feel the way I do or to "not worry so much about what other people think." Being abandoned and hurt by people that were supposed to care for me has made all people "dangerous." I don't like that this is true for me but it is.
And this I think is why I struggle with connection. I share what I experience and other people have their reactions and it sometimes leads to this weird spot.
I think lucky I am at work because my work internet blocks access to social media. I won't be able to respond to her for a number of hours which is probably good.
I hear ya.
It's the reason I often don't share. And that I have different friends for different purposes. Like, I have friends who I can go to if I just want to complain, I have friends who are better at giving actual advice, etc. But sometimes, I realize that I don't have a friend who will be able to respond the way I need them do in a certain situation, and then I just keep my mouth shut and feel alone.
I agree that you should be able to share without getting that kind of unhelpful response. At the same time, there are just a lot of people in the world who (however well meaning) don't work that way. You can't really blame em, it's the way they learned to deal with things, and they are convinced that that's the way to do it. But still, it can be really annoying...
Alter-Eg0 - I find that certain people are my go to for different things too. I have mixed feelings about sharing too - sometimes it works sometimes not. Today I was reminded how unsolicited advice feels and it will hopefully help me in my communication with others.
I spoke with an understanding colleague today about my experience. The truth I spoke to him is that I don't feel like I fit anywhere. I do feel a purpose in working with my students and it helped a lot this week to be told that one student sees me as someone he can talk to.
We are supposed to get a ton of snow this weekend where I live. I hope our power doesn't go off and that I will be able to run in the morning.
This sounds really frustrating. I hope you find peace as you continue to heal. :)
Jazzy, I appreciate the support.
The weather is very gray today - the snow hasn't been as much as predicted (yet). I am finding myself really impacted by the gray outdoors today. I feel low and run down. Also dreading the time change tomorrow.
I've been trying to give myself permission to relax. I feel this deep compulsion to do and prove and validate my worth. I'm still really bothered by my friend in Arizona sending me the message she did. I can't bring myself to read it again. It is possible there is wisdom in it - she is generally very supportive and helpful to me. But this was unsolicited and feels not validating of me. I perceive I'm being told what I should do and feeling judged for how I am doing. I think I am feeling weird because I responded to her that I received her message but didn't say anything else and she hasn't acknowledged that. I don't even know what to say. I would like to feel ok with how I am choosing to respond but right now I don't.
Today I heard the idea that loneliness is a message that we are ready for something else. I don't know if the concept of loneliness really captures how I feel but I do think I am ready to continue making positive change in my life. I'm not sure where I am headed. Hopefully to the fullest expression of myself.
I have had experiences, also, where friends' responses didn't feel helpful or supportive. From what you stated, this friend has been supportive in the past. I hear your distress over this situation.
Notalone, I appreciate you sharing this. I'm still struggling with this - I am deciding to not force and give myself time.
I started reading a book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It is a book about sexuality and I decided to read it because I struggle a great deal with sex. While the book is focused on sex, it also covers topics I am familiar with (especially how our brain responds to stress and trauma) in a different way. I have to take reading it slow but am finding a lot of value in reading.
Something I read today really stuck with me. Emily wrote "Self-criticism is the emotional One Ring equivalent of treating yourself as your own internal lion, experiencing yourself as a threat that needs to be escaped, conquered, or avoided through shutdown." She talks too about through self-criticism we reinjure ourselves over and over and over.
I found this so compelling. While I think I am more aware of myself, I tend to focus on the impact of others on my thinking. Maybe I wasn't ready until now to consider how my thoughts and patterns are hurting me. Framing this as "I am triggering my flight and fight response" helps me a great deal.
I am still processing what I have read. The main thing I am taking away from this right now is the idea that I have a lot of unchosen beliefs and I get to decide if I do or do not believe those things.
It is understandable to struggle with this. I hear that it is difficult for you, but I also see a lot of strength in your writing as well. It is wise not to force yourself when you are not ready.
'Framing this as "I am triggering my flight and fight response"' I think this is a really big step forward. Good for you! :thumbup:
I really appreciate your writing, and find a lot of wisdom and insight in it. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I hope things go well with you deciding to accept your unchosen beliefs or reject them. That is also a tremendous thing, and can be a really long, difficult, intensive process.
Jazzy, I appreciate your words and support.
Today didn't start off so well. I am tired from the time change in the US. During my morning run, it is now dark again. There were a lot of ice spots. I slipped on some ice and hit the street hard. I decided to end my run early because it hadn't been easy going to go that point and I didn't want to get more injured.
Falling and not carrying out a plan are deeply triggering for me. I cried a little this morning to release feelings and have tried all day to remind myself I am safe. My leg got pretty scraped up by the road and is sore but otherwise I am fine.
I didn't feel very connected with others at work. I established a boundary with a person I really struggle with. I can see in her eyes she is tallying up all of the things I'm not doing in her estimation. Before I wouldn't have noticed her doing this. I will be ready for when she loses it with me. I have grown enough to see that it is about her (even if it still triggers me a bit).
I am feeling ok. I've spent most of the day telling myself I am safe. Evenings tend to be difficult as relaxing produces anxiety in me.
I am feeling extremely drained today. Nothing in particular, just tired.
I feel like a stew with lots of things simmering and working out.
I am still struggling with the comments my friend sent me last week. I feel like the dynamic of our relationship has changed. I am trying to decide if I want to share with her why her message was so unwelcome but I'm not sure.
I'm seeing how I have a disorganized attachment style and both want but push away connections. I am feeling especially lonely these days. I tend to focus on the people not connecting with me and miss the ones that do. I do connect with people but get stuck being fixated on the people that make me feel small. There is still this part of me that feels like I need to make it up to people.
My body is still very sore from where I fell. I realized that the complete lack of control I feel when I fall is deeply triggering. I realize how hard I work (not always intentionally) to maintain control in my life.
I feel like gaslighting is going on in my workplace. School and education has been functioning differently and now that my school has returned back with all students, it just feels like the past year is trying to be swept under the rug (when this pandemic isn't really over).
I am just very tired. Waiting for dinner to be done. I tried a new recipe and am worried it won't taste good.
Just in a low place today.
I wrote that last post while hungry and it is interesting how much better I feel after eating and having some down time.
I am still tired and sore but also trying to remember that I am safe and have made it. I recently heard the idea of telling your younger self "You made it" which I find helpful.
My husband has been expressing a desire to do more around the house. I am having trouble giving up control. He offered to make some of the recipes he really enjoys. I would like to allow that and to give up all the control. I do wonder if I make him feel like a child because I do all the bulk of household work. I do wonder if I trigger the weird way his mom treats him which makes him feel like he isn't good enough so he avoids closeness and vulnerability. He is telling me he wants to do these things and I want to let him.
I am grateful for being able to feel some relaxation at night instead of perpetuating my anxious thoughts.
I hope to sleep better tonight than I did last night.
This morning I decided to send a message to my friend. If she is really my friend, I want to trust that I can tell her that what she said didn't land well with me and that she is missing part of the story.
I think what I said to her is authentic to my experience. I think it is growth for me to respond and reflect back instead of avoiding and pretending like I am not thinking about this every day and feeling low.
I hope this day goes smoothly.
Sounds like you made a wise choice. :applause: I think being authentic is the right move, and I hope your friend is understanding and respectful in return.
Thanks Jazzy. She acknowledged my message with an emoji but hasn't said anything back. It is weird. I am getting the feeling her perspective is that I'm too negative and worry too much about others. I am realizing that she has more of a parental approach with me. We aren't seeing eye to eye right now.
I have next week off work. My husband and I are going on a road trip to some national parks in our state. I am looking forward to seeing new parts of our state but am also aware of how anxious I get when leaving home.
I get really anxious on trips. I hate leaving my cat (even though I have someone come check on my cat, I still worry about her). I hate leaving my comfort at home. I hate eating new things. I hate how I can't distract myself with my usual things when I'm not at home (I'm not sure this is actually a bad thing but it is part of the equation). My husband and I usually get into conflict because we trigger the heck out of each other. We both bring a lot of family history and trauma to travel but have also had our own trauma while traveling. We also have different ideas of what relaxing and vacation means and that comes to a head on trips.
Progress is that I am acknowledging this before leaving. Right now the only thing that consistently helps me is yoga so I plan to bring my yoga mat. I plan to watch my thinking and remind myself that I am safe. I will also try to talk with my husband when it gets difficult.
I have time to prepare tomorrow and have a day of rest at home before we head out.
Just sending hopes for a peaceful, edifying trip. May you return refreshed.
Hope it's alright to offer this :hug: for a safe trip.
Thank you Woodsgnome, it is much appreciated.
Today is preparation day for our trip and I am already anxious. I shared with my husband that this is the case. Instead of ignoring me saying that, he asked why I am anxious (which I greatly appreciated). We then had a conversation that leads me to believe he doesn't particularly enjoy these trips any more than I do.
So I wonder why we go. I think the baggage he brings from his FOO is at play. I hope he and I can work toward trips that work for us instead of him carrying out some weird version of "vacation" that his FOO instilled.
I suppose we are off to an ok start in that we are talking.
I understand you feeling anxious about the trip. It's connected to a lot of things, as you've said. It's really great that you were able to have that conversation with your husband. It isn't always the best approach to push, but maybe you two can talk about more things in time? It sounds like you both love each other, even if you both have difficulties from the past. That's a really nice thing to read.
I hope the trip goes as well as it can, and that you can cope with things with your self-care. I'll be thinking of you while you're gone. :)
Jazzy, I appreciate your words of support.
Our trip has started. We made it to our first town. On the journey here my anxiety kicked in. First I noticed that my throat was sore and I began to imagine I was having an allergic reaction to something and was running through a list of things that it could be. Then I couldn't remember if I took my vitamins this morning or if I left them on my side table. I began to worry my cat would eat them and that the pet sitter would find her in distress tomorrow.
I tried reminding myself that I am safe and that so is my cat. If she isn't then I will deal with that if it is needed. A lot of my physical symptoms were also related to frequent changes in elevation and temperature as we traveled through the mountains.
I think it will be important to accept that I will have moments of feeling ok and a lot of not. Hopefully in time I'll be able to swap that where I feel on more of the time. It isn't even 6 pm and I just want to sleep.
I made it through the first night and am ok. My petsitter sent me photos of my cat and she is ok. I don't sleep well when away from home and last night followed that pattern.
My husband and I have had a low key, enjoyable day so far. We've had some good meals and taken the day slow.
We went to visit a national park and it was so foggy and cold. We couldn't see the canyon we came to see due to the fog. He kept making comments about it and I was finding myself getting defensive because I planned this trip. I reminded myself I could still enjoy the experience and did so.
He eluded to something that I keep hoping won't happen. I think my in-laws are planning to visit in about 2 months. I dread their visits. I would be content to never see them again in my life. I feel worse when I am around them.
Usually thinking about them ruins my day. I am trying to not get stuck in old thought patterns about them.
I am still counting down the time until I can go home. But for now I am ok.
Right
I've hit the point of our trip where I am no longer able to enjoy much because I am overwhelmed. I am tired of being away from home and having to make so many decisions I make at home. Also the pandemic is still going and many activities still restricted and limited.
We are waiting until our Airbnb is ready. I don't feel comfortable in the town we just arrived in. When we get to the Airbnb I hope to do some yoga and see if that helps.
Hi Rainydiary,
I relate to things you've said about being away - I think it's tough to cope with those things. I hope that your Airbnb will be ok. I remember spending a night in a place that initially felt so uncomfortable and unwelcoming, but somehow it got better, and I really hope that will also be the case for you - but whatever happens, I wish you the best for the day. I hope your yoga is helpful.
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate your thoughts. :hug:
We returned from our trip. We ended up coming home early one day because of weather. I learned that my limit is around 3 days. I'm glad we went and that I tried to take care of myself with yoga.
Today I woke up in a bad mood. As the day I progressed, I realized how I am still holding on the time right after my brother in law died. I realized that while I am upset with my husband from that time, I am also upset with myself. I feel like I let my husband down. He needed a support and I was experiencing my own mental illness. I couldn't support him.
I hope that realizing this helps me let go of that time. It was the worst. I don't want to live there anymore.
I head back to work tomorrow. I notice anxiety - although I have been doing this work for almost 10 years, there is always this part of me that says, "I can't do this."
I've been feeling overall ok. More of an observer of my thoughts and feelings. Trying to stop spiraling when anxiety gets too loud.
I am obsessing too much over my in-laws coming in a few months. My obsession is somewhat because I know that visit won't be the last. I know that they will have expectations of for the holidays and probably want my husband to visit at some point.
I think his family is going to be a situation that we never see eye to eye on. It puts a huge strain on us. Mostly because we have no good communication about it. It has become a situation so tense that we avoid it as much as possible.
Not long ago my husband asked me if I wanted to join him for a walk after dinner. I said no because I had to clean up the kitchen...but also, I know that he wouldn't speak to me the entire walk. While he was walking, I thought about how to open communication about his family and realized how insignificant I feel with them and even with him.
I avoid his family because they are mean and abusive and try to control me. That hasn't worked so they try to control me through my husband. My identity gets erased when they are around.
But I am feeling this gap with my husband. Over the past year and more I have worked to establish and define my identity. I am watching him struggle with his identity. When we lived in his hometown and were around his family and people he grew up with, he had a lot of things he did. And now? He works. He lays around. He seeks his hometown in every place he goes. I cannot live in his hometown again. My hard line on this scares me. Will it be the end of us?
I realize that in my relationship I don't expect much my husband in terms of our relationship. I expect that he will prioritize what his mom wants and bend over to do dumb things for his parents. I expect that he will join family plans for things like Netflix with his family. I expect that he will do certain things for us like taxes and taking care of our cars. I expect that he will work and pay our bills. I expect that he will expect sex without developing our relationship.
But, I don't expect that he will speak to me as a friend. I don't expect that he will listen to me explain my experience with CPTSD. I don't expect that he will do something that makes me happy without complaint. I don't expect that he will share what he gets out of our relationship. I don't expect that he will acknowledge the wonderful space I take up.
I have seen my husband grow. But I am also tired of being blamed for him not participating in his own life. This weekend I wondered how much he likes himself. If he doesn't like himself, how can he like me?
I also must acknowledge that I bring my own stuff to this. I have adapted to our relationship. I am often silent too. I am often in my head. I am trying to connect more and share more of what I want. But it is hard. Especially when I feel like I am doing the bulk of the work.
I have a lot to look forward in the coming months. Yet, connecting is something I both crave but don't feel like I get. I will keep exploring.
Today was hard. I am currently exhausted. I am having a tough time loving myself. Too many things happened and I didn't take time to care for myself overall.
I am still stuck in my head and would like to say more about my day.
I didn't sleep great as I have this obsession with waking up at a certain time in order to be able to workout before work. The trick is that the time I want to wake up is before my alarm. I could set my alarm earlier...but on work days anxiety drives me to wake up.
I had a number of small interactions with my most triggering colleague that have left me feeling low. She gave me this iPad that isn't working right. This student hasn't been at school for 2 months and I don't feel like dealing with the iPad is a priority. But I'm sure this person has different expectations. We also had a fire drill and I went to help her class get outdoors because they are the students with multiple disabilities and often need more support. One student was covering their ears and was distressed by the sound of the fire alarm. The student grabbed my hand and I allowed it. I know they are in high school but the student needed comfort. The teacher kept giving me this look. I dread her saying something to me about it. I don't need her opinion.
I reached out to another person I work with that talking to is an addiction at this point. This person has been helpful to me. She is also extremely negative and tends to drag me down a bit. I wanted to make sure she was aware of a change on our team but then the way she speaks to me just leaves me feeling gross.
As soon as I got home from work, I felt drained. I expect so much of myself. I feel like I failed today.
Sending you supportive vibes. I'm sorry you feel drained & like you've failed. That sucks.
When I feel like i've failed, sometimes it helps to remind myself that "failure" doesn't actually exist, it's just feedback/information. And if you can move through the judgement (of yourself), you can see the info/message that lies within it, in order to find a way to handle it differently next time. Not sure if i'm making sense or if it's any help at all, feel free to ignore if not ;)
Hi rainy, that sounds really hard. You are in a really stressful work environment where you are very judged by negative people. Despite that, you helped that student who needs more support, and you let them hold your hand. That's not failure, that's sticking by what felt true to you. I very much feel you did the right thing. The negative looks you got aren't justified, and the person giving them has no compassion.
What are the high expectations you have of yourself? What might happen if you didn't have those high expectations?
Yea to you for being attuned to the student and holding student's hand. It sounds like it was the appropriate and compassionate thing to do in the situation.
I relate to a great deal of what you experience in your marriage. Unlike your struggles, my H isn't strongly emotionally connected to his family.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 29, 2021, 12:49:11 AM
Not long ago my husband asked me if I wanted to join him for a walk after dinner. I said no because I had to clean up the kitchen...but also, I know that he wouldn't speak to me the entire walk.
I have declined to go on a couple of vacations that my husband went on. Hour after hour in the car with very little conversation is just too painful.
Hi,
I just wanted to send you some support and let you know that I've found some comfort in your reflections. Your diary sounds so insightful and thoughtful and you've inspired me to write my own to make sense of my own experience.
I can really relate to your struggles with your in-laws and feeling controlled and overwhelmed by them.
Some things that helped me included taking a hyper-focus on learning about boundary setting and viewing interactions with them as a chance to practice what I had learnt. I got to the point where I was so unhappy that I could take the risk of it all blowing up in my face because my current situation just wasn't working as it was. I found the books on boundaries by Townsend really helpful.
I've also had lots of issues with my husband and feelings of regret and disappointment (I too grew much quicker than him and our relationship seems unbalanced). It got to the point where I told him what I needed and that it was non-negotiable and that I'd need to leave if I didn't get it. It wasn't a threat it was just part of me that I couldn't compromise on anymore. As a result he started going to therapy and now we're trying to build our relationship back up again, although it's not easy and I've lost a lot of trust in him.
Keep going on your journey and keep identifying and communicating what you need. I think the rest will fall into place. But it'll be so hard as it takes so much constant vulnerability, which can be so tricky for us. Above all be kind to yourself. I found the books by Brene Brown really useful too.
Hi Rainydiary! :wave:
I see you haven't posted here in a while, which is totally understandable, so I don't know what your frame of mind will be like when you get back. However, it sounds like you're having a tough time right now. Everything you've talked about at work and the trip with your husband sounds very overwhelming. I hope that you've been able to take some time to practice some good self-care, and get yourself back to a better place.
Feeling like you've failed is a very challenging thing to deal with, but in my opinion, you're doing great, and your posts here have been helpful to myself, and a lot of others.
I think it was wonderful how you helped that student who grabbed your hand! Even if they're in high school, their physical age is not necessarily a reflection on their emotional state, their sense of security, or many other factors that are so important in a person, which the education system completely fails to address. Everything else aside, someone needed your help at a deep level (physical contact), and you were there to help them! That is a great thing for you to do. I hope no one (the teacher) spoke out against this, and if they did, I hope you paid no heed at all to what they had to say. If I were in that situation, I'd imagine them like they were in a cartoon where they just blab on and on, and you can't even understand the words they're saying, because they're just completely unhelpful, and actually quite toxic. Try not to laugh out loud at them though! :)
I hope you feel better soon! :hug: if that would be positive for you.
RainyDiary, Just dropping in to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
It has been a while since I've checked in - it was so helpful to hear from you all in my absence.
I am going to write a post about my situation in the family/in law section and will share more here too in the days that come.
I will definitely need support in the coming weeks given:
My last week of work for the school year
An upcoming visit with my in-laws
Difficult feelings toward my husband right now
Difficult coworker interactions
I slept so poorly last night. This was a day I was already dreading and now it is feeling even heavier.
I am feeling powerless. I believe I am getting better at setting boundaries. Yet I will also "cave" especially when others use guilt. I also have a tendency to be all or nothing - either I always stand up or I don't. Reality isn't that clean.
I haven't felt this way in a long time and it feels especially worse given that. My stomach is upset and I feel full of anxious energy. My hypervigilance will likely be in overdrive today as I attempt to get by.
I have been working a lot to feel joy and to allow myself to feel good. That feels hard right now. I am hurting and want others to know my hurt which in turn often ends up hurting them.
I hear you Rainy Diary. btw my spontaneous reaction at seeing your name was :) there's Rainy Diary again! :)
I'm sorry you're hurting rn and there's so much on your plate today and the next few days. If it feels helpful, here's a supportive :hug:
Blueberry, thank you very much for your words and support. I think right now is one of those times where everything happens at once. I suppose it is an opportunity to see what I've learned and try out what I've learned. I'm also burned out...and trying to find rest within my experience.
The hypervigilance sucks. It's ok though that you can't feel joy right at the moment. It'll be there waiting for you when you get through this tough patch.
I relate to the all or nothing reactions...we probably have a tendency to wait until the boundary trampling is so extreme we explode.
Armadillo, Thank you for your thoughts. I am trying to stay with how I feel as much as I can today as that can help. I continue to find it so difficult to give myself compassion and understanding which makes it challenging to extend it to others...yet others are also so very disappointing to me.
I am feeling a bit better today. I slept better and have managed the feelings coming up somewhat.
My chest is still tight and my stomach uneasy. I feel unheard and that is the worst feeling for me. That feeling takes me to a wounded place and it is difficult to function from there.
I notice thoughts that I "can't" do relationships. I don't trust very many people while expecting to feel hurt by every person I meet. I'm not sure I will ever feel safe enough to more social than I am. My nature is one that craves solitude. I also carry pain about relationships that makes me want my space.
I'm not enjoying how unhappy the prospect of seeing my in-laws makes me. Being around them makes me question my husband more than I would otherwise. I don't like watching how he acts around them. I don't like how I wonder if I am the problem, if I am the one that is making things uncomfortable. They are very good at playing the victim.
I am also struggling because I want to take responsibility for myself and my actions. Yet there is a line that I struggle to hold between taking care of my own stuff and taking responsibility for things that aren't mine.
*sigh*
I am still holding onto anger toward my husband about his family coming and going on a visit with them. My anger is a response to the past and my anxiety of the past repeating itself.
I also see that my response is about a need to feel control. I feel out of control with my in-laws and often with my husband in the context of his family.
I also feel out of control because my parents modeled losing control when emotions got too big.
Today I tried to hold in mind that this feeling of loss of control is within me. These folks do have power over me. I don't need to hold so tightly and try to control so much.
I am preparing for a yoga teacher training and started reading a book called A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield. This passage really stood out to me:
"He offered a way of life, a lifelong path of awakening, attention, surrender, and commitment. He offered a happiness that was not dependent on any changing conditions of the world but came out of one's own difficult and conscious inner transformation. In joining the monastery, I had hoped to leave behind the pain of my family life and the difficulties of the world, but of course they followed me. It took me many years to realize that the difficulties were part of my practice."
This book is already pressing against my wounds yet I hope it is informative.
Hi Rainy Diary,
I really found your description of the impact of the book to be really impactful - you said "this book is already pressing my wounds yet I hope its informative" - I hope so too - I thought the passage you shared was impactful too. I also thought you said some meaningful things about 'control' and issues relating to that.
I wanted to send you a hug of support as well :hug: I also find 'family' issues to be triggering - and I think meeting up with your in-laws, I think that's tough.
Hope :)
Do you have a few self care things planned for your in law visit? It sounds really difficult. I hate having even the nicest people in my space and they so sound rather unhealthy. I hope you can protect yourself a little.
Hope & Armadillo, I appreciate your words and support. I will have some time alone to prepare for the visit with my in-laws and also plan to do something for myself after the visit. It is possible that while we are in the same town I will be able to avoid them as much as possible. It is occurring to me that I will also probably benefit from a plan for interacting with my husband too. I feel more hurt by him when he is around his family because he falls into old dynamics with them and I can't stand it.
Today was tough. In A Path with Heart, this idea of finding the depth of our wounds came up. That really stood out to me and it made me wonder if I've found the depth of mine. Somewhat but today in general made me wonder.
I am burned out at work and attempted to advocate for myself with a department chair. Her responses to me were not helpful and I regret speaking to her. Then as I was processing what she said on the way to our school's graduation ceremony, I found myself hurt. I stood around waiting for direction for the graduation ceremony and had so many colleagues walk by without saying anything. I felt like I didn't belong. Then I ended up around a few people I feel comfortable with and told them about a weird interaction I witnessed this week. I don't think anyone outside of the conversation was paying attention to what I said but I directly named a colleague and regret doing so.
The graduation ceremony itself was difficult for me. It brought to mind my own high school graduation where my name was mispronounced. We were outdoors in the sun wearing black graduation gowns. It was so hot and unbearable. The ceremony also made me feel how uneven things are for people. It becomes this time to share honors and accomplishments but calling it out in front of everyone excludes the students I work with that made it graduation with a different kind of effort that isn't celebrated in the same way. I left with a huge headache and huge heartache.
This time next week I hope to feel a lot better. I will be past my school year and the trip with my in-laws.
Hi Rainydiary,
I think it's good that you're considering a plan for your trip - hopefully that will give you some helpful boundaries, and you'll feel a sense of protection. I really hope you get some chance to relax and enjoy things, along with the other stuff.
I think your students would appreciate your thoughtfulness around their accomplishments, and their different ways of achieving their studies. I hear your kindness when you are talking about that.
Anyway, sending you a hug for a safe trip, and hoping that it goes ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you Hope. :hug:
I am trying to relax some this Friday evening. My cat is laying on my chest purring. My brain is busy.
My husband made a comment to me about the upcoming visit/trip and it triggered me. His sister has a 3 year old child. This child will be spending time with 7 adults. And I can guarantee the majority of the focus of the trip will be on this child. I find myself so annoyed by this child. It isn't the child, it is the situation. My sister in law is not a good parent and I worry for this child's future. It's hard to watch a child being brought up so poorly. I am sure I am projecting a bit. I find myself emotionally closing off from the child because I can't deal with it. One of my biggest fears is that my husband will somehow become responsible for his sister and her child. His sister has never had a full time job and lives with her parents. Without them, she would have no means to support herself and her child. It bothers me so much.
I am trying to stay with my feelings and notice what is coming up as this trip approaches. I am so adverse to family. The concept of family. Mention of the word family. The pressure to be a part of family. I am noticing how my parents have really gone silent. They rarely reach out to me. Sometimes I reach out but get cursory responses. At times I can feel compassion for my parents - it is clear to me they carry deep pain and deep anxiety. But I also don't know how to have a relationship with them.
I find myself wishing to be alone. Some days I regret getting married. It feels like my life would be easier if I wasn't married. Being around other people makes me so much more miserable than being alone. I don't feel like I belong with anywhere. I want to go where I want to go and not have to deal with my husband and his family. I don't want to deal with my work colleagues. I don't want to deal with anyone. This all comes from a place of deep pain.
As I process my week and think about what lies ahead, I am overwhelmed this morning. My chest is tight and I feel unable to get what feels right for me in life. I don't believe that is 100% accurate. Something deep within me is triggered and it is extremely overwhelming.
Take good care of yourself. I know how hard that is to do.
Thanks Armadillo, I appreciate your words.
Today is the day when my in-laws arrive in the state. I have had stomachaches and extra BMs for several days now. I am so not looking forward to the next week. I am trying to remember that by this time next week this challenge will be done.
I woke up this morning and realized how I haven't really processed the time I spent living in the same town as my in-laws. I haven't processed a lot of my life. I think so far I have processed more of my childhood. I think I am processing my adolescence currently. Perhaps next will be college.
I woke up from an extremely intense dream this morning. In the dream, a version of a person I know was outwardly affectionate toward me and said words that made me feel good, seen, validated.
As I start my day I am feeling overwhelmed. I realize that while I want and expect things from others, I don't think I always offer and give those things either. I feel like I must be honest with myself about the way I come across at times. Yes I have reason for the ways I may act and I am working on it. I also hope to show up in the world differently and in a way that has less ease and struggle.
My in-laws missed their flight yesterday. That is so them and I gave myself the chance to laugh at it. They were able to catch another flight unfortunately for me but the dynamic has shifted and one less day of stress. This makes me wonder what dynamics and traumas they are reacting right now. I imagine that for every "vacation" they have taken their is somewhat of a script of pain and stress and unkindness that they follow. I am trying to find compassion for what my husband dealt with growing up. I fall short because he feels compelled to defend them. And yet admitting that your parents are not healthy and have hurt you is an extremely difficult and painful thing to do even if acknowledging that brings less suffering.
Today is also my last day of work for the school year. All week I felt a lot of anger about work. I was on the verge of emailing some colleagues multiple times. I feel unheard and I feel invisible. I feel like my expertise is not acknowledged or honored. I feel like no one would care if I stopped working there. And yet, I also know that because I lack a lot of relationship tools, I am not always great at communicating. I believe I act in ways to stay invisible. I believe I act from a place of deep fear that I am worthless, useless, and a mistake. I still want to feel heard...and yet right now I am so burned out that I think I need to give myself some time.
Hi Rainydiary,
You have a lot on your plate today - with the last day of your school year work, and so I wanted to say I think you've done well to get through the day, and I was glad to hear you got an extra amount of time before your in-laws arrive. I hope you're ok.
Hope :)
Hope, thank you for checking in.
This day took an unexpected twist. Today I was told that my workspace will be moving next school year. It is moving to a shared space with two coworkers that are not nice. I am upset about this change because I wasn't consulted about it before a decision was made. I am upset about this change because this is the handiwork of someone going behind my back and complaining to get what they want. It makes me feel small.
When I received this news I cried. I explained that I do not want this happen. And in response I receive very little understanding. I am told how much people like me and how this will be good. It most certainly will not.
I came home and applied for two other jobs. One I'm worried is only a year position which won't really work. The other one I have little chance of getting - I have applied to this place many times and not been accepted.
I am extremely triggered. This does not help my willingness to put myself in proximity to my in-laws. My in-laws still have not made it to their destination. They just drove and are in a place 3 hours from where they need to be.
I am extremely agitated and upset.
This day has been difficult. My chest has been tight all day. I am definitely in an EF.
One thing I do want to remember about this day: before my difficult news, our staff had a meeting that included breakfast. Initially I sat by myself and assumed others would join my table. That did not happen. I heard my called out and saw a colleague inviting me to sit at their table. Initially I said no but then I decided to accept their gesture. I appreciated them reaching out.
Today I've fantasized about all the ways I want to make my coworkers feel bad for making me feel bad. I want to tell them I am 99% sure I will quit. I want to tell them under no circumstances am I moving my workspace. I want to quit on the spot. I feel stuck in quitting because I feel that is a conversation I need to have with my husband for the sake of our finances. Making empty threats and refusing to comply will only hurt me more. I don't have a better solution because I don't know what the choices are.
I have been feeling all day like something is wrong with me. This is the second time this exact situation has occurred for me in this job and a similar thing happened at another job. I keep blaming myself. I feel like I must be a bad communicator and collaborator. And yet it has happened despite collaboration to serve the agendas of others.
Leaving this job now feels so stressful. It's awkward to quit in the summer because it's hard to get ahold of people. I really don't think I can go back to this place though. I deserve to be treated better.
I had a lot of trouble falling asleep and now have woken up so early. I am drained. The thought of seeing my in-laws later today is not appealing in any way.
I am filled with guilt and shame at how I am reacting to this situation at work. I want to quit this job. That makes me feel so badly. I feel like I have failed. Yesterday one of my coworkers that was giving me this news said "Wow you're really damaged." You bet I am but maybe don't say that to someone just because you are doing things that make them uncomfortable.
I've had so many examples in this work place of saying what I want and having others do the exact opposite that I expressed I don't want. I have tried so hard. A lot of my fear in leaving is that I won't find anything better. I have struggled in every job I've had. Is it only me? I like to think that it is also systems and situations out of my control.
I'm not sure what my next step is.
:hug:
This is a really hard week.
Nurture yourself as much as you can. Treat yourself the way wish someone were treating you.
You are not damaged but you are injured. It's trauma and it's not your fault. You are working on healing and it is slow and painful.
That work place sounds awful. I hope you can find a kinder place to make a living soon. For now do what you need to to make it through this week without more harm to yourself.
Armadillo, I appreciate your words. The word nurture really stood out - I will do my best to nurture.
Despite a rocky start to my day, it has turned out ok. I have a phone screen with a potential job on Friday. I am in a place that I often find peace in. I also survived my first encounter with my in-laws. I was able to disengage emotionally while being with them.
I felt sad to see how little they have changed since the death of my brother in law. My niece is out of control. She is given no boundaries. Their family dynamics are still extremely weird and unhealthy. I felt sad watching them. And the impact it has on my husband. He knows it is a mess but I watch him trying to clean it up. He is the only one of his siblings that picked up his dishes after dinner and that helped his parents. They rely so much on him. And it agitates him but he still gets caught up in it.
Just got to get through tomorrow really. I can tell his parents are pissed that we made our own plans for tomorrow. So I'm sure we'll pay (read I will pay) for that somehow.
I have made it through the worst of this trip. Today was overall a good day as I mostly spent it with my husband and we had a good time for the time in a long time. I fully appreciated how hard the past year plus has been and I think today was the first time we've had fun in a while.
I had a more difficult time facing my in-laws today especially because my husband and his parents started getting into conflict. My husband was so agitated by them and started being really rude. I think they all get stressed toward the end of a trip and my husband told them he is leaving earlier than expected which set them off. They started winding each other up. It was so uncomfortable for me. Yet I will say I didn't let it trigger me. I tried talking to my husband about some observations I made but he didn't say much so either I overstepped or he didn't know what to say.
Now as I face going home, I feel so much anxiety over my job. I will be doing a phone screening on Friday for a job at a specialized school that I have been interested in for a long time. Today I spent time looking at the school's website and it started to make me anxious. My IC has been on me this week, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night. I worry that I won't be able to handle this new job if it were to be a good fit. Or I worry it won't be a good fit. I cannot go back to the place I currently work but am not sure what else I can right now.
I feel more comfortable having a job so that I have financial resources. Yet I am finding that I am so burned out in my work. I don't think I should work in schools anymore. I would be willing to give this other school a try because is in theory very different from schools I've been at before.
I am also anxious at the idea of leaving my current job. I don't want to have to tell people I'm leaving. I don't want to answer their questions about why. I don't want to feel guilt for leaving. And yet, I do not think the way I've been treated is ok. I should not leave work crying as much as I do. I'm not sure what I've done to be treated like a child but that is how I am being treated.
You sound really strong, today, Rainy. Even though you have some hard choices and situations in front of you, you sound confident and like you know what is right and is absolutely not right. When you do leave your job, come up with a phrase that is comfortable for you to tell people when they ask and just repeat that over and over. You don't owe anyone the truth unless you want them to know.
Armadillo, I appreciate your words. I notice that I feel the need to explain myself all the time. That will be something to think on.
As I was driving home today, proud of how I handled myself over the past few days, I realized a truth I must share: I do not want to work in schools anymore. While I have always enjoyed my students, overall I have hated working in schools. Every school I have worked in have been nasty, unpleasant spaces. I want to own that I brought my own stuff with me...and yet I do not understand what I have done that gives others the space to treat me like a piece of garbage.
I mentioned to my husband that I do not want to find another job right now. All I'm doing now is rushing to another job where the same stuff in a different costume will be. I feel guilty to take some time off as I am sure he would like to do the same. And yet another new job is not going to end differently.
I have wanted to create my own business for a while. And yet because I tend to passively engage in my life, I have held back. I am afraid. I am afraid I will crash and burn. I am afraid I won't be able to bring my vision to life. I am afraid I will continue to reenact my trauma. I am afraid I will continue to fear and loathe myself because of misguided conclusions I made about myself as a child being abused. I am afraid.
I think my husband will support me. I hope for the courage to step into the world and life I want. I don't have to keep hiding myself away.
rainy, i know i've been absent for a bit, but i want to thank you for your support and tell you that i find it courageous to be able to realize and admit you don't want to work in a school setting anymore. i love that you want to take some time off, regroup, and possibly realize a dream for yourself. best of luck with that! love and hugs :hug:
Hi San, no worries. I hadn't been on the forum much for a while and found I needed this community more. I appreciate your words of support.
The conversation with my husband about jobs didn't quite go as I had hoped. I think I hoped I could quit work and take an extended break. I realize now that talking to him about finances right after a trip with my family is not ideal. Money is a trigger for him given that his parents are extremely poor money managers. We also do have financial obligations that I need to keep in mind as I make next steps for myself.
I plan to do the phone screening tomorrow and hope deeply that this job works out. It would be different from what I am doing now and I could do it for a year at least. I also committed to a yoga teacher training and am training for a 50K/31 mile run. I have a lot on my plate and giving up stable income isn't the right move right now. Once my trainings are done, I think it would be prudent (as a course I am taking suggests) to start seeing private clients on the side of my regular job. Once I build up a client base then I can stop working in schools.
I realize I am deeply afraid that this interview won't pan out. Yet I am also afraid that I won't do well in this job. I have a story in my mind that I am not good at my job because I have not fit in at any job I've had. I do tend to avoid and hide away and I hope to work on that. I worry I make it easy for others to treat me poorly because I do think I act in ways to remain invisible.
*sigh* CPTSD is so complex. Just as I think I am improving, more stuff pops up and forces me to take some steps back. It is a step forward that my husband and I actually talked about these things but I am hurting a bit from his reactions. It makes me feel a bit gaslit that what I am experiencing at work isn't happening. My coworkers gaslight me all the time. Deep down I know I need to get out of that place. I hope I don't get a bad vibe in my phone screening tomorrow.
good luck tomorrow, rainyd. i hope it goes well. you won't be alone. love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate your support San.
The phone screening went well. I was invited to interview on site the week of June 7th. The person I spoke to said they are screening other people which immediately intimidated me. I have built this up so big in my mind that if I don't get it I feel like I will fall apart because I cannot go back to my current school.
But one step a time. I cannot rush this...but also I am not doing anything wrong. I have every right to leave a place that treats people poorly.
Congratulations on a good screening and invitation to the next step!
And of course they are screening other people! That's ok! But I totally get why it feels so bad.
Remember there's space between your two options. I know your conversation with your husband didn't give you the support to stop working right now but that doesn't have to mean this job or staying in the current one. It's ok to say that the current one is not an option even if this next one doesn't work out.
:hug: I can feel how stressful this feels and how badly your coworkers have made you feel.
Thanks Armadillo. I decided to apply for a few more positions today. That helps take some of the pressure off. I will keep looking until I have something else.
I have been in contact with a colleague that I find both supportive and confusing. She has given me a lot of space and listened when I am in EFs. She also has a trauma history which is what I think makes her a good support.
Yet, she is also more outspoken than I am. She has watched what I am going through happen to others (the same situation). The person who held my job before me left for the same reason - conflict with the same controlling person. She thinks I should be very vocal in letting others know what happened.
I don't necessarily disagree but also don't know how to do that. I don't want to burn bridges as my work world is small. But also, lack of action is allowing a destructive individual make work a living nightmare for another individual others are inclined to ignore and not take seriously.
I think I will know what to do when the time comes. I do think I need to have some degree of honesty in why I am leaving. I feel like I have been sharing my difficulties and have not been believed. So I also wonder what difference it will make.
:cheer: good job applying for more positions.
Do what is right for you at the moment. If that is being more vocal, great. If it is hunkering down and just getting out with as little emotional toll as possible, do that. You don't have to fix the problem it isn't your responsibility, especially if it will cause you more pain or self-doubt.
Thanks Armadillo. I don't feel that into any of these jobs I've applied to - I am burned out and have lost touch with my passion for my work this week. I am trying to see these jobs as a way to leave a toxic situation and to maintain my finances until I can set myself up to do what my heart is saying.
I've felt a lot today. I am giving a lot of headspace to my current job. I am so hurt by what has happened. I am blaming myself and giving myself a hard time. In my heart I know I have done the best I can at this time. I've watched my coworkers identify a scapegoat each year that I've been there. Each year someone has been pushed out of their job. I think that if I stay it will be my turn. This helps me consider how much of this is not me. It is a toxic environment that some folks find power in and that makes me sad for them.
I was just watching Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 and was really touched by the end when a character's body is released into galaxy. It reminded me of a meditation I like about how our bodies are made of the same things as stars. That brings me feelings of connection and peace.
In the coming days I hope to show myself compassion and love. I hope to find moments of joy. I hope to reflect on what I've learned and leave what I don't need behind. I hope for a new opportunity where I can use what I've learned and keep growing.
Today has been interesting.
I notice feelings of strength, peace, and acceptance.
I realize that a lot of my reaction to my work and jobs is because I have been looking for things I didn't get growing up. Mostly what I've found is countless re-enactments of my trauma.
Today I accept that I have done all I can at my current job. I have changed and the people I work with have not. I cannot work with people that allow one colleague to physically control the space and access of another colleague all under the guise of "student need."
I also feel I will go into interviews and a new job with a different mindset. I will not find what I missed in a job. Instead I will find more opportunities to learn and grow and heal.
❤️
I'm sorry to hear that you are so hurt, but it sounds like you are making great progress healing, and have a good plan moving forward. :)
Sending you strength and peace. :)
I love reading how strong and kind to yourself you are feeling today.
Sounds good, Rain. You go!
I appreciate your thoughts Jazzy, Armadillo, and Altereg0.
Yesterday didn't feel as good. I am deeply hurt by my colleagues. Today it occurred to me that I am wanting to hold on to a story which is keeping me stuck in my feelings. I am staying stuck because there is a deep part of me that is telling me this is all my fault.
What I am seeing is how my colleagues have an incredibly toxic dynamic. They cannot function unless they have someone to focus their energy on. I am strong and brave and I believe I scare them. They can either face their own stuff or they can tear me down. They will tear me down. I choose to not serve myself up on a platter for them.
I am deeply sad I won't get to say goodbye to my students. This is triggering for me as I moved a lot growing up and often left places without saying goodbye. I think it is triggering because it makes me feel invisible and like I won't be remembered and that I didn't matter. It has been hard to watch people I care about so much move on without me. That doesn't mean I meant little to them...but it hurts.
I am working to deep clean my house. Need to clear out some stuff. It feels good to do that. But it is also hard work. Tomorrow I am scheduled to take my cat to the vet. I don't like taking her. It is so anxiety producing and I am always worried for bad news. I am doing this visit much earlier in the summer so than I usually do so that I can take care of her if needed.
Of course you are deeply hurt by your colleagues. They are being deeply hurtful. I feel pretty relieved because I see in your posts that you recognize they are the ones with the problems. It isn't fair you are paying the price and having to leave, without goodbyes to your students. That's sad, and unfair.
Armadillo, thank you. I am bringing a lot of other stuff to this time too. I am dreading finding another job because I have encountered some version of the behavior I am dealing with in every school I've worked in. Right now I don't see a way forward that isn't a repetition.
I am finding myself in grief today. I did a yoga practice focused on hips and heart. A person I knew in my first job out of college came to mind. I haven't thought of him in a while. He and I were close and spent a lot of time together. I cared about him a lot and I think he cared for me too. There came a point where fear took over and I pushed him away.
As I was thinking of him, two other similar people came to mind, one person from high school and one from college. Seeing these three people in line I saw I have a type (at least in terms of hair color). I saw that I cared deeply for each of them. They were my friends but also people I could have created a life with because we got along so well. And yet I pushed each of them away. I didn't want them to see what was really going on with me.
I'm not sure why they are coming up now. I notice how hard I am being on myself. Yes I pushed them away yet they also went their own way. I imagine I will have them in mind today and will explore.
hey,
it sounds like there was finally room in your mind and heart to think of these people and possibly be able to grieve the relationships that never were. it's a tough time, for sure. sending you love and a hug filled with support and compassion (which i hope you'll also be able to give to yourself). :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad to see you back! I'm sorry I'm somewhat late in saying that, and that I haven't posted here much recently.
Your last entry here is difficult for me to read. I don't even want to think about all the failed relationships and potential relationships in my past. That's a big thing with a lot of grief attached, as you said. ... It also sounds like a good thing to process though, so I'm happy for you.
I like what you write in the last paragraph; that sounds like a very healthy approach!
All the best! :)
San, it is interesting when space opens up and things I didn't even realize I was holding onto come up. I appreciate you joining me on my journey.
Jazzy, it is painful for me too. I feel so inept at relationships and dealing with the fallout of some tense work relationships right now. Today it occurred to me that this might be coming up now because I finally have the words to say. I am sad I can't go back and say them. I also can't go back and comfort my younger self but I try to talk to her. Perhaps I can say what I need to say to these people in my mind and hope it helps.
I have had a weird day. My thoughts have been busy and bounced around from thoughts to my work, to my past, to my cat. I dread taking my cat to the vet and noticed that my brain tried to spike my anxiety levels in preparation. I know that one day my cat will leave me and for some reason I associate vet visits with the possibility I will find out when she is leaving me. Today wasn't that day. The visit went fine and I didn't cry as I put my cat in her carrier. Overall the event much less stressful for both of us than it has been in the past.
My mom also reached out to me. I think she was triggered by talking to her sister and wanted reassurance that she and I have a good relationship...or that she's been a good mother. In many ways she has and interestingly I don't associate the worst parts of my trauma with her. She said things to me that wound(ed) me very deeply however I've been able to easier integrate this than the stuff my dad did. But the conversation with her is still hard. She doesn't realize how much she tries to wind me up. I don't get as wound up by her as I used to but it is still challenging.
I am pretty drained. I plan to rest a little more tomorrow than I have been. I have a massage tomorrow which should help some.
I just spoke with my cat's vet. Her blood work came back showing early signs of kidney disease. The vet made it sound like it isn't super threatening right now, but this news hits hard right now.
I am crying as I type. My cat has been my companion for 8 years and I love her so much. I will do the things the vet recommends and hope that I know when it is time to let her go. I've experienced the death of my parents' pets but this will be my first personal pet death (when it happens).
I am so sensitive to loss. Just the anticipation of her not being here is difficult.
I am trying to stay with my feelings but it is hard.
:hug: :hug: :grouphug: from another pet lover to you
Yikes, I'm sorry to hear the bad news about your cat. That's so difficult. I totally understand you feeling upset and crying; I would be too!
Thinking about losing a pet... it's so difficult. I can't even come close to finding words to express those kinds of emotions. I mean, they've been there with us through everything, every day. My cats are my biggest support in a way.
I'm not really sure what to say. I just try to think of it like it is a fact of life that some animals live longer than others, and humans certainly live longer then cats. I do my very best to make sure my cats are as happy and healthy as possible, because each day to them is equal to many days for me, and I need to squeeze in what I can in the days they have. It's so difficult though.
It's so great that you are doing what the vet recommends, and realize that there is a time to let her go. That's shows a lot of strength on your part. I hope that you and your cat can focus on making a good time out of the present.
All the best to you, Rainydiary.
:hug: if it is positive for you.
:hug:
Hugs to you and your kitty, Rainy. It's real sad to think of losing a pet that is so important to you. I'm going to sit here sending all the best and wishes I can to her and you and I know you will provide her the best care and keep her comfortable and well as long as you possibly can. And that might still be a good long time.
Blueberry, Jazzy & Armadillo, thank you for your kindness and support. As the day has gone on, I realize I wasn't given a harsh deadline or indication that she is rapidly declining. We still have time together and now I hope I can view it as even more precious.
I will take my cat to the vet again tomorrow for more tests and to receive a prescription for a special diet. We'll see how this progresses.
I have felt sad a lot of the day but also am trying to enjoy my time with her. She isn't acting differently and we still have time together. I hope that this will help me start preparing myself for her time to go as well as appreciate all that she brought me.
I am starting a yoga teacher training next week. One limb yoga, called Yama, has an element called Aparigraha. Aparigraha means non-possessiveness and reminds us that impermanence is part of life. I am finding so much resistance within myself. I have been aware of how things are changing for a long time but I still find it so difficult.
so sorry about your sick kitty, rainy. my heart goes out to you.
that resistance thing is always so difficult to deal with. i've felt it myself, especially when i'm about to embark on some form of change that i know logically is a good thing for me to embrace, but the fear of what's on the other side, what it will require of me, and how i'll manage it springs up and tries to block me. sometimes i can just push thru, while at other times i discover it's important for me to wait, that some issue needs to be resolved first. don't know if any of that pertains to you, but it's what popped into my mind.
no matter what, i think it's a very interesting concept you're describing. best to you with it. i hope you continue to be kind and compassionate to yourself. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your support and understanding.
I took my cat to the vet again today for the tests the vet wanted done. She has good blood pressure and now has special food. On Monday I should find out more about other results. Today didn't feel as heavy. I worry for what Monday will bring. I am trying to focus on the present. It is hard though. I feel compelled to begin preparing myself. It is hard to understand why her little body has been working toward kidney failure. I will do my best to care for her and hope she doesn't suffer much.
Right before I wrote this I started to feel extremely low. I am in such a transition phase. I am feeling discouraged about finding a new job. I do have an interview on Tuesday but don't feel hopeful about getting the job. I also haven't heard from anywhere else I've applied so don't have any back up plans. It's funny because initially I'd been worried I would have to make a fast decision and that I would have many offers to choose from. That still might happen but it isn't today.
I think I am tired of this weighing on me. I am afraid and feel stuck.
Rainydiary, I'm sorry you are feeling poorly. Those feelings you mention afraid and stuck are so difficult. I hope you find some peace and rest soon. I think you're doing a great job, and while that's challenging, it is very good in the long term. Stay strong! :hug:
Jazzy, thank you for your words.
I took a pause after writing that entry just now and realize I have more to say.
A lot of what is eating at me is that it feels like people won't believe me in what has happened at work. Bullying and gaslighting and other nasty things can be rather invisible especially when they are built into systems. I think this is triggering my feelings that something wasn't right when I was growing up but I didn't know to call it abuse. I've found myself in situations time and time again where my lived experience is invalidated and not believed by others (including myself).
I have had two people now encourage me to write a letter about my experience and send it (after I have a new job). I want to stand up for myself but this idea is putting so much pressure on me. I've been holding in my mind ideas of what I would say in such a letter. But again, knowing that my words would be deleted or not read or not acknowledged makes me not want to say anything.
I feel very alone as I navigate this time. As supportive as my husband is, he doesn't understand what I am dealing with at work and he doesn't really understand how upset I am about my cat. I don't even see her as his cat too because he does so little to care for her and I will carry all the burden of supporting her and her needs. A past version of myself would be mad at my husband. I see that he is a human and doesn't see the world the way I do. He also doesn't seem to understand CPTSD although I've tried to explain. I think all I can do is tell him what I need and know that he will do what he can (and likely won't be able to meet all of my needs as no one person can that).
I had a thought earlier today that I still don't feel like I belong anywhere. This is a thought I often have. I grew up in a military family and moved around a ton. I haven't been associated with the military since I graduated college. I live away from my family. I've had a lot of jobs in the past 10 years and haven't fit in at any of them. I seek out opportunities (like my yoga training) where I am very different than everyone. The more I learn about neurodiversity and gender and race and large topics like that the more I feel disconnected.
Even though I feel alone, I get meaning out of things I do. I occasionally find connection with others. I wish for more. I think my job and my cat and my growth over the past year are reaching new levels of needed healing but also touching on old patterns and habits.
*sigh* I am feeling very worn down.
sending love and a hug filled with spirit-lifting energy. you are not alone in this - i can relate to so very much of what you're going thru. you're in my thoughts. :hug:
San, I think your support helped!
This day has already turned out to include things I could not have anticipated.
First my cat seems to be happier with her new food. She is eating it (which I wasn't sure she would because she tends to be picky). This is another instance in my ownership of her where I feel guilty in how long she may have not been feeling well and I didn't know any better (the first being she had a lot of unhealthy teeth that made it hard for her to eat). I am trying to feel full appreciation each interaction with her.
This morning while I was running, I was listening to a podcast I enjoy. I had submitted a voice mail to the podcast several weeks ago and assumed it wouldn't go anywhere. I was so surprised today to hear my voice mail on the podcast! It made me feel so proud that I put myself out there and said my thoughts. I'm not sure how well my words landed with the hosts but someone on the podcast thought my message was important to share.
As I got home from my run, a random phone number called. It ended up being a job I had applied to. I thought it was weird they were calling me on a Saturday but decided to call back. The job sounds intriguing and I am feeling a little better to have additional options. I imagine this job will be difficult to fill based on the populations I would serve. I enjoyed talking to the person on the phone which was also nice.
So, today it feels like good things are coming my way even though I am also facing difficulties.
:cheer:
Yeah!!!! These are all such positive things!
Sounds like you're making good progress through the difficulty. Keep up the great work. :)
Thanks Jazzy & Armadillo :hug:
The day has felt more confusing as it goes on. My husband doesn't understand why I want to get a new job. It is difficult to have my reasons and know others won't see or understand things the way I do. I want to be understood but also would like to accept that won't always be the case.
In the past his lack of understanding would hurt me more. Now I know I must do what is right for me even if others including my husband don't get it.
This is difficult.
Now that I am on a break from work my routines, especially sleeping routines, have been relaxed some.
I am wondering if this is good or bad. I struggle with the right amount of structure.
As I prepare for bed tonight, I am working myself up about my job. I feel like no one is believing me that my experience has not been good. I'm upset to be made to look incompetent by a jerk. I feel upset and like I haven't been able to stand up for myself.
I think these thoughts are my brain's attempt at self protection....but imagining conversations isn't going to help. I hope to feel less of this in the morning. I am probably also getting anxious about interviewing this week.
well, if it makes any difference, i believe you. i've run from jobs in the past that looked great to outsiders, but had gone downhill from the inside, and i was feeling beaten up on the inside because of it. sorry your hub doesn't understand, but please remember, his lack of understanding doesn't make it any less true for you. you don't have to doubt yourself.
so glad to hear you had some good things going on that day, even amongst the difficulties. good luck with the interview next week. and, i nearly chuckled when you talked about having those conversations in your head - i can't tell you how many i've had! it took me a long time realizing that my conversations never, ever turned out similar to the conversations that eventually took place in real life! i also think i was trying to prepare myself for what might come at me, so self- protection sounds about right.
hope everything goes smoothly for you. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Thank you San. I rehearse so much in my mind and sometimes that is helpful and sometimes not. ;D
Today has been interesting in that I notice so much.
I woke up feeling more generally positive than usual. Usually I wake up and immediately feel anxious. That was a nice change.
I was triggered as my husband and I were traveling to hike - the location we wanted to visit was overcrowded so we kept driving to find a different place to hike. I started to spiral (because I had chosen the location that was full and some part of myself was expecting punishment). I ended up bringing up my stress over my job to my husband and he acknowledged that he does believe me and that I shouldn't have to deal with being bullied at work. That helped.
On the hike we eventually did I noticed how much I kept looking to my husband for cues for things that aren't up to him (such as when I should snack). I took time to eat when it felt right to me. It really stood out to me how I am still looking to others for validation or guidance when it isn't always necessary to do so.
While hiking I also felt strong confidence in myself for my upcoming interview. I am knowledgeable in my career and have the ability to reflect that to others even if others in the past haven't heard me or have chosen to ignore me.
At home today I realize that I now see my cat so differently knowing that she is closer to death. If I am honest with myself, I've had a nagging sense that something is up with her and last week confirmed that. I still want to offer her care and comfort but I notice a part of myself shutting down a bit because of the pain I anticipate. I also feel guilty that she hasn't been feeling well and I didn't know.
Overall I notice needing less and less time to recover from EFs. Every now and then a big one hits and it hurts more. But generally I feel like my insides are recalibrating from "always in danger" to more balance.
Of course, it is easier to feel less triggered when I am on a break from work. But in the future I hope that a new job won't be as much of a source of pain as it has been.
The next two days will be a bit heavy. I am supposed to hear more about test results for my cat (which I am worrying will bring difficult news) tomorrow (Monday). I also start my yoga teacher training. Then on Tuesday I need to wake up early enough to run and make it to my interview in time. I am noticing that I have been keeping my to do list very full and tried to give myself some more space the next two days.
Today is starting off as well as it can. My cat doesn't need to go to the vet for another year (unless she shows signs of needing more care), I have another job interview scheduled for Wednesday with a third place, and I am able to take it slow today.
I notice my mind is continually going to my colleagues and situation at my current job. I am doubting myself - should I keep trying? Should I give my colleagues another chance? And then I get mad at myself and at them - why should I have to prove myself so much when the same isn't expected of them? Why did I let this happen?
I think these thoughts are coming up because I feel vulnerable as I look for a new place. I've also changed jobs a lot and it never really gets any easier. I had been putting pressure on myself telling myself I've always gotten jobs I've applied for in my current field. That isn't 100% true - I have applied for and not gotten a number of jobs.
I am interviewing and looking from a different place than before. I never understood I have CPTSD or a trauma history or legitimate reasons for my struggles when applying and interviewing before. I am not looking for a new job as a way to avoid my truth or find a savior like I did in the past. I am looking for a place to be myself and to use what I know and hopefully be treated with respect. I really see this as a stepping stone.
Wow Rainydiary, there is so much positivity here. I love it! :)
I understand what you mean about doubting yourself, though. It's difficult to feel confident about a coarse of action on such big things, especially with so much being new/different now. I think you're doing great, though. Even if things don't go perfectly smooth, hopefully you can take some comfort in realizing you're doing your best for yourself, and hopefully seeing improvement.
I'm sorry to hear your husband doesn't understand you very well, either. That must be so difficult. It's great that you are looking out for yourself more, and becoming more independent, like with the snack. Hopefully he will pick up on this, and be better able to connect with you as you continue to grow.
So glad to hear the good news about your cat as well!
Thanks Jazzy. I know people generally are doing the best they can, including my husband. I notice that as I grow he does too.
Tonight I started my yoga teacher training and it was a great thing. I was nervous because other trainings I've done haven't been that great in terms of how safe they made me feel. This training I am doing is being led completely different and was so trauma informed already I am really looking forward to the rest.
Yoga in the West often does not reflect its roots and origin. We learn yoga is poses when really the poses are one of eight practices. One of the practices is called Yamas (which are ways we relate to others). I spoke with a kind and understanding person tonight about two Yamas I've been thinking a lot about. One is called Ahimsa (which means non-harm toward the self, other people, animals, the environment).
I've been struggling with Ahimsa because I often act or think about myself in ways that cause me harm. And because I feel hurt, it makes me perhaps harmful to others. I've been feeling a lot of guilt for trying to find a new job because I keep feeling like I didn't do enough and I am putting pressure on myself to be a good role model for others.
And yet, there is another Yama called Satya (which means truth and honesty in thoughts, words, actions). The person I spoke to tonight helped me see that in practicing Satya, I may reduce harm. And reducing harm may come in the form of leaving a situation that hurts me.
My head is spinning with all of these ideas and I will need more time to think on it and practice. I have to wake up early tomorrow to complete a run before my interview. I am a bit overstimulated and of course this would happen when I need to wake up early. I believe everything will work out .
I woke up early and completed my run. I have had time to feel calm before my interview. I'll leave in a little while to head over.
I heard about a 4th interview today. So, I will be able to find something. I am tired of settling for jobs that end up burning me out. I hope things are somewhat different this time around. This is the job I most hope to get.
Well....I'm not sure how that went. I got the impression I am not really their person. I'm not sure they are my people. I'm not sure I want to work in the way they expect. I certainly don't want to be rejected but I also don't want to get up in wanting to be liked so bad I take a job I know might not work out.
I have some more interviews and can see what else is out there. Interviewing is exhausting and I am overwhelmed with them right now.
Rainy Diary, I haven't caught up on your journal, but I did read today's entries. Job interviewing is very stressful. I'm just working on updating my resume and it is so stressful that I can only do a little at a time. I hope you find a job with a much better atmosphere than what you have been dealing with.
Thank you Notalone.
I was not prepared for how triggered I feel after that interview.
I think I have been obsessing over what happened on my last day of work. It makes me feel so terrible. And it doesn't feel fair to be the one to be looking for a job.
I think what I am most feeling is that I don't fit anywhere. The way the people looked at me today during my interview was like I am an alien. I'm not sure I would want to work with them. And that is ok.
But all of this makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. And that I will not find my place.
This sounds very difficult Rainydiary, I'm sorry you're struggling with it all. :hug:
I understand how you feel. That's a lot of emotion bubbling up. I hope you have time to process it all. :)
I think you are doing great by making lots of improvements. Perhaps you will be happier with yourself as you continue to heal more. I'm sure you will find your place, even if it is not as quickly as you would like. It's absolutely amazing that you realize the job is not right for you, despite all the difficult emotions. :applause:
Hey Rainy Diary... :hug:
Just walking down the street makes me feel like an outcast. An interview is really hard. Having the spotlight on us can be triggering, proving our worth, all of it. Part of the injury right is exactly that feeling of being different, alien like you said, like we don't belong, like we aren't good enough, that people will use us. It's not you. It's the PTSD hon. You are fine. The core of who you are is fine. :hug:
Jazzy & Armadillo, I appreciate your words and support.
I had a difficult day where I was stuck in an EF. My EFs have changed over time and I'm not always picking up on them until it's been hours and I am stuck in a loop.
I reached out to some people I trust more than others and cleaned a portion of my house. That seemed to help.
As my nervous system calmed down, I thought back over the interview. Something about it agitated me and given my reaction it seems like it isn't a place I should work.
Things that caught my attention in review:
The person leading the interview was dismissive of me and I noticed she got very defensive about some things I said. She would be difficult to work with.
Another person in the interview mentioned how they are like a family. I hate when workplaces are described that way and it signals to me they expect this to be my life (which for me it is not all aspects of my identity or time)
They were obsessed with saying "we do what is right for kids." I am also finding this to be an abrasive thing as my current job loves to say that and it is a way of excusing poor adult behavior. But also, if anyone thinks I do this job without caring about students then I don't know what to say.
I think I have this narrative that just because I applied means a job has to be right and I have to do it if offered. I got a vibe from this place that they are stuck up and probably really defensive given the nature of their school community. I liked the concept of this school and I want to hold to on that...but the reality is something else. And that is ok.
I feel resistance to other jobs I've applied to because they will be further from my home than my current work. And yet, I could do it especially if the job was less taxing on my wellbeing.
I have another interview tomorrow. I'll see how this one goes.
I hope tomorrow's interview feels like a better fit and is less triggering.
rainydiary,
I really like the way you are able to allow and analyze the comments from your interview and what feelings they brought up. This is important to recognize and articulate to yourself. Being able to make comparisons and trust yourself is very empowering.
Armadillo & Beekeeper, I appreciate your words and understanding. :hug:
This morning I am feeling calm yet unsettled. I realize I am grieving and also growing. It is confusing when we can experience conflicting emotions. I acknowledge that given CPTSD and how my brain functions, I don't always see what it is in front of me. Sometimes what I see is a echo of my past.
Right now I am in a complicated place. I am so angry that I feel my only option is to find a new job. Behind that anger is fear of what might come. I am afraid of starting over again. I am afraid of putting my energy and time and care and labor into a place just to have them hurt me and to end up burned out. This fear comes because that is what has happened to me in every job I've had. I have never had a job where I felt respected, safe, important, valued.
I am also judging myself big time. Something I know about myself is that I tend to be deeply truthful. I was punished for that growing up. The punishments were in part intended to get me to fit in. The punishments also I think were about fear of what my truth revealed. I think that my truth tends to hold mirrors up and people around me don't like what they see. Instead of facing what they see, they turn on me. So I turn on myself because I was taught from a young age that I am broken. I don't believe this as much as I used to, but elements of it are still deep inside.
That is why my current situation is so painful. Instead of acknowledging that they have also been wrong, my colleagues are placing themselves above me and placing all the blame on me. I don't think I can face this happening again.
I am home now from this interview. Today's interview felt much better than the one yesterday. I think I would like this job if offered. I felt heard and like I was able to say what I wanted to say without having to be fake or project some image of myself that I think they would want to hear. There are some unknowns involved but I think I would feel supported.
Before the interview my IC really started up. Parts of myself I hadn't thought about in a while were coming up. Like when my parents pushed me to not be a "quitter" and told me that I am a flake (they used different words but that is what they meant). All these things taught me was to ignore my feelings and ignore when a situation doesn't feel right. But also that there is something wrong with me.
These feelings are coming up also because I am reading a book called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh that is rubbing me the wrong way. My traumatized brain is interpreting what he is saying through a rough lens. I don't think he is advocating for one to stay in abusive situations but the way I am taking his words
is that I haven't tried enough to reopen lines of communication with jerks at work. I think these feelings relate to the voices of my parents telling me not to quit and that I am a flake if I do. So maybe I am hearing my parents and not Thich Nhat Hahn when I am reading.
I have another interview tomorrow which I'm not really looking forward to as I think it will be similar to the one I did on Tuesday.
The final interview I have scheduled is next Monday. Today I was included on an email from them that included a rundown of applicants for the job. It made me laugh that they sent it to me but also made me question if I would be offered that job as it seems they have someone they really liked. So kind of awkward. If I hear from the one I did today before Monday I might just cancel that interview.
I feel more calm and like I may have a way forward.
This sounds like great progress Rainydiary!
I get what you mean about always being treated poorly at work. I have the same experience. It's wonderful that you are aware of that, and realize so much about your mindset and how important it is to be treated with respected.
ICr sounds tough, but it sounds like you're winning the war! :)
All the best with your job interviews. I'm really hoping for the good one, but even if that doesn't work out, I'm sure there will be other good opportunities for you in the future.
I'm really impressed at how you have been able to hear things that sound good "they are like a family", but realize the truth behind it before getting trapped in a bad situation. That's such a huge accomplishment. Good job! :thumbup:
Glad to hear you're feeling more calm and hopeful, and wish you even more positivity in the future. :)
Jazzy, I appreciate your words of encouragement and helping me see ways I am reading cues in my environment more.
This afternoon my shoulder muscles started feeling extremely tight. This is a persistent area of muscle armoring. It had gone away for a long while so I am annoyed yet trying to be curious. I am annoyed because it is so uncomfortable and seems to be mostly psychological in nature. When this happens, I have a memory of my father grabbing me by my arm, lifting me up, and smacking me. I can't be certain it was this side but that memory comes to me so it may well have been. I often wonder if he did any damage to me or if it is my body's way of reminding me of how scared I was and didn't understand why he was doing that. I don't have issues with how my body functions so it may be my body keeping those memories. I also have found that my Inner Child often speaks to me from this spot so she must have something to say or is afraid. I think what it means is some deep stuff is waking up in me.
Earlier this week someone posted a graduation photo from when I was a junior. The photo was for the senior class graduating. I was at that graduation as an usher and was friends with a lot of the people in that photo. This was deeply emotional for me because I moved shortly after that and didn't get to graduate with people I had known for 2 years. I went to three different high schools. This photo made me feel deeply sad and alone. I wonder if anyone in that photo remembers me. I wonder what they remember. I think about a boy I loved from that school. I think about how much I longed for connection. That was an incredibly difficult time in my life. I am not sure I have fully felt and dealt with the pain of my high school experience.
I think my current job situation is waking up all the times my family moved (my father was in the military when I was growing up). There was this sense of uncertainty and often I felt this feeling of unfinished business I would never get the chance to see through. I had to leave friends and achievements and security behind every 1-2 years. I'm not sure I have fully felt and dealt with the pain of this either.
It is so wild how much there is to integrate. I am so surprised at what I held on to. I didn't ever really talk about a lot of my experiences growing up because it makes no sense to others. I am wondering if it help to find other military brats to talk to. I'm not sure that would help because I'm not sure it is the military life I want to talk about but rather trauma which not everyone experiences the same way.
Quote from: rainydiary on June 10, 2021, 02:25:36 AM
I also have found that my Inner Child often speaks to me from this spot so she must have something to say or is afraid. I think what it means is some deep stuff is waking up in me.
Hi Rainydiary,
I related to so many things that you wrote here today, and I attempted to highlight some of them, but don't know how to include all the parts of the quotes in one reply - so I'm just selecting the first, which is your mentioning how your Inner Child often speaks to you from a particular place in your body - I really think that you're doing some deeper processing in recognising that. I'm trying to do that processing myself, in terms of recognising where different parts are holding their feelings, and communicating, and it is eye-opening for me.
I also related so much to your second paragraph where you mentioned your reactions to the graduation photo. You felt deeply sad and alone when you looked at that photo, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug :hug:
I also relate to the pain of having to leave friends and achievements and so many things behind, when moving as a child - that's so much for anyone to process, but especially for a child, and I relate to what you said about not fully feeling or dealing with the pain of so many transitions.
I also never spoke to others about my experiences growing up, because I felt it made no sense to others, but what my own partner said to me yesterday was such that he said that a child looks around and has little experience of other people's lives, only their own - and how can you know what's normal, especially if you're moved around a lot. That helped me when he said that, as it showed understanding. I hope you don't mind my sharing that in your journal, as I feel like I'm writing a lot - but so much of what you said resonated with my own experiences. You made me feel less alone in it, when I read what you wrote.
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
I also read about your job interviews, and I really hope that you get the one that you felt most comfortable with. Good luck!
Hope :)
:hug:
I can totally see the connection between the job situation, interviews, and memories of moving too much. It is sad that you were pulled away from your connections so frequently and suddenly. I hope your body memory eases over time, too.
And I was really happy to read you felt good about your interview yesterday!
Hope & Armadillo, thank you for your words and understanding. I appreciate you reading my posts.
I had another interview today. It occurred to this week that I've never had this many interviews at one time. Usually I have one interview and am so desperate to leave a job that I take whatever helps me escape my current *. I'm not sure I'll have a choice of jobs but I appreciate myself for taking the risk to put myself out there so much this week.
I haven't enjoyed it all. Today I really considered backing out of this interview. I'm glad I didn't as I enjoyed the person I met with. I'm not sure how I would fit into the school - I only spoke with the one person and I felt good talking to her. It would definitely be rather different than what I've done before.
I shared with a "friend" (I suppose this person is my friend but I have very complex feelings toward her) my experience today. Her question to me was "Would you want to drive all the way there especially in winter?" No. Of course I wouldn't. And yet this is the position I am in right now. Considering tripling my commute time to find something that words better for me.
I have no decision to make yet. I made a list of things to do with my job transition. I have been carrying all these things around in my mind and needed to get them out of my brain. One big thing I may consider is taking some time to think about an offer instead of immediately accepting (I am assuming I will receive at least one offer).
Your previous post sounds so difficult Rainydiary. I hope you are beginning to feel a bit more connected now and that it continues to improve. :hug:
It sounds like things are challenging so your mind and body are reacting to that. As difficult as it may be, I believe you are making progress, and some of this hurt is a result of that healing.
You continue to impress me with how you are handling this job situation. It's great that you are not acting out of desperation! I think it also says a lot of good things about you that so many places would spend time to meet with you. I wonder how many opportunities I have missed by rushing to the first available job, for fear I may not get another option.
Taking some time to think about an offer sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm sure you will get at least one offer from these places! If not, maybe that's good too. I think it's better to take a bit more time to find a good fit then be stuck in the mess again.
When I have a big decision to make like this, I write out a list of pros and cons. Usually everything is not completely good or bad, but it's important to balance them out. Tripling your commute time doesn't sound so good, but a healthier work environment certainly does! Maybe you can try this out if it sounds helpful. :)
All the best to you, Rainydiary!
Jazzy, I appreciate your insights. It will be good to weigh pros and cons. I've never actually written out pros and cons before, I wonder if it will be good to try.
This afternoon I decided to check my work email. I wanted to see if anyone had reached out or given me more information. Nothing. Something came over me where I felt like I haven't done enough to stand up for myself and I wanted to talk to someone in charge of what I am experiencing.
I did have an email from someone that will be a new manager of my team. I decided I wanted to try to talk to her about my experience. I sent her an email and haven't heard back yet.
Then I thought about all that has gone on and realized that while that person might be helpful, I am still avoiding speaking to the people that are directly making my life a pain. So I decided to try to get a meeting with the principal of the school I work at. In our brief correspondence, the principal indicated she wanted some context of my concerns and claimed to not know what is going on. I find that hard to believe. We set a meeting date which might too far out if I get other job offers.
But I feel like I need to let the dust settle a bit. I feel uncomfortable with putting myself out there. I'm not sure it is going to help. But it also felt important to try.
It's really good to try, but it's also difficult!
Based on this:
Quote... (They) claimed to not know what is going on. I find that hard to believe.
I expect this meeting will be especially challenging. I trust you and your judgment. I don't want to discourage you from having this meeting, but I hope you are prepared for the reality of how challenging it may be, and have a plan to deal with the consequences. :)
Great job tackling the big issues!
Thanks Jazzy. I appreciate the outside perspective. I think I got caught up in fighting someone else's fight today. I was trying to get help from my "friend" that I feel conflicted about...and she knows just how to egg me on which is why I know I should be careful with her. She is much more assertive than I am and thinks I should handle things the way she does. I have been having misgivings of my own about if I've done enough. This has been in my heart. And I want to be more proactive and not avoid my challenges.
But I am also wondering if I am falling into wanting to be pleasing because I am afraid. I might not do that meeting. I'm not sure it will do me any good. I have three years of examples of how these people act. I have not been treated well and it isn't my fault.
As the day has gone on I see how poorly I cared for myself today. I lost my cool today. I have time for things to settle and to get more information. I will know what to do when the time comes.
Leaving your unhealthy work situation and doing several interviews for a new position is huge. :cheer: At the same time you are so self-aware and continue to process. Yea for you.
What you are doing takes guts!!!! Good for you Rainy!
Notalone & Armadillo, I appreciate the encouragement. :hug:
I feel unsettled this morning. I don't have anything in particular to do today and I hope I will give myself space to relax.
I am feeling foolish for letting myself get hyped up yesterday. I want to stand up for myself but also don't need to get pulled into other people's stuff. I have at least let key people in my job know I'm not ok.
I am in a waiting area. I need more information before I really have any decision to make. I have another job interview scheduled for Monday that I'm not sure I want to do. After their faux pax of sending me an email where I basically saw they wouldn't pick me unless they "have" to, I'm not sure I want to put myself through the interview especially since I'm not really sure I would actually want the job.
:fallingbricks:
I'm noticing how tired I am and yet I find it so difficult to rest. My brain is going, going, going to keep me agitated. This might be a good day to do a lot of journaling.
I might make a lot of entries as I process today.
I went to get groceries. As I was driving home, I felt proud that I at least let some people know I had a conversation that left me feeling uncomfortable. I did wait over 2 weeks to speak up, but I did it. And now when I make a decision, I will have laid the groundwork for others to know I wasn't ok.
In the future, I think it might help to speak up sooner in some situations. If something isn't ok, I don't always have to eat my words and choose silence. I honestly haven't had many great experiences with speaking up, but that doesn't mean I won't find ways for this to feel better. I do think a big one will be speaking up sooner rather than later when something is bugging me AND dealing directly with that is bugging me and not dancing around it (if that is a safe option).
I think that my speaking up tends to be extremely blunt and reveal truths others don't want to see. I am being hard on myself in that I question if I need to learn to "play the game" better. And yet, adjusting myself in order to make other people more comfortable when they are being inappropriate makes me upset. I'm sure there is a balance here that I haven't found.
Today has been relatively chill.
My shoulder still aches and it is annoying me. I reflected on my shoulder and tried doing a meditation focused on the pain. Images of middle and high school came up. I realized that while I get along with people, my friendships are shallow. I do ok in public spaces but struggle with deeper aspects of relationship building. I also saw that while I know moving as much as I did was traumatic, I haven't really acknowledged that aspect of my trauma.
Today I wrote a post on Facebook reflecting on this. I received some really kind messages. One person and I roomed together in college for a period of time. It was not a pleasant experience. I have never held it against her and have often felt bad for my role in it. Today she said she wanted to apologize. It caught me so off guard. It was beautiful. It made me see that the work I am doing is making an impact even if it is difficult and complex.
I hope to have a relatively relaxing weekend. I notice I'm not really letting myself let go completely but hopefully I can find some moments of ease.
That's really beautiful, Rainy, what happened when you posted something vulnerable
Quote from: rainydiary on June 11, 2021, 01:09:49 PM
I'm noticing how tired I am and yet I find it so difficult to rest. My brain is going, going, going to keep me agitated.
Quote from: rainydiary on June 11, 2021, 11:37:18 PM
I hope to have a relatively relaxing weekend. I notice I'm not really letting myself let go completely but hopefully I can find some moments of ease.
Having had so many interviews and being in the middle of looking for a new job is extremely stressful. It makes sense that your brain and body will take some time to relax a bit. Glad you are doing what you can to take care of yourself and bring what calm you can to your body and mind.
I appreciate your words of support Notalone & Armadillo.
I'm not well physically today. I did a very long run and believe I overheated. These are the types of runs that have been the end of my training in the past. I spent some time researching things I could do and ordered some items I hope will help.
I have not been able to feel comfortable all day today. I honestly don't know what would help other than going to bed and calling it a day.
Training for ultras sounds really tough and it completely makes sense to want to call it a day and hop in bed. Tale care of yourself and make sure you have the hydration and electrolytes and nutrition your body needs.
Thank you Armadillo. :hug:
I ended up going to be very early and sleeping for around 10-11 hours. I think a lot of that exhaustion was specific to my run...and also the past several weeks.
I suppose this is why people train. I hope to find some ways to manage my wellness when it is so hot out.
I think one thing is my clothing. I struggle with how my body looks and wear clothes that cover up a lot of my body. In addition to my appearance, I also have skin that is prone to burning and I am at risk for skin cancer so I do try to cover up in that sense too. This is not serving me in the warm weather. It's hard to overcome the years of snide comments from my family and from my culture about the appearance of my body. The appearance has so little to do with how wonderful my body is in accomplishing each step toward huge thing I am striving for. I ordered some new clothing that hopefully will be a little more cooling.
Another thing is I don't think I ate enough yesterday. I found that as I got hotter, the thought of eating while running was less appealing. I have found foods that work for me while running and will work to eating all the stuff I bring. I also didn't eat enough after the run.
I am also still navigating my feelings about my work. Last week the place where the interview I felt best about contacted me to request an additional reference (someone who supervised me). I always forget the minutiae that new jobs want. It is also complicated providing a supervisor reference because my current job doesn't know I am looking to leave so I can't provide one from there and my job before that...well, it's been three years and I don't really know who still works there. I ended up sending them the name of someone that was my evaluator. I felt guilty doing so because I didn't ask her first and haven't talked to her in three years. Also I remember her making a comment about the person I replaced regarding references for a new job that makes me worry she will be annoyed with me. I do trust her to be fair in a reference even if I am annoying her.
I anticipate the coming week to be when I need to face a decision.
body image and food/eating issues can be daunting at the very least, especially when you're facing both people close to you and a general culture that is prone to body-shaming. i love your attitude about how much your body has done for you. i think anything like that deserves respect no matter what it looks like. even if everyone weighed the same, we'd still all look different and our bodies would not be one size fits all. but, honestly, with all that running you're talking about, it sounds like your body is sound and healthy. i think that's the most important.
good luck with your decision, rainy. sending love and a hug filled with strength. :hug:
Thank you San. It feels like I find more and more to consider and potentially resolve. Layers and layers and layers.
I've been processing today, mostly about work.
I notice that even now I worry about telling my parents my situation. A part of me feels like I will be punished by them. In a way I will because they act so judgmental of my decisions. I haven't given them much detail. But a lot of my dread of them and their "punishment" pushes me back to being a child and thinking and acting from a child place. What I am trying to remember is that I am adult and have agency of my life. I make my decisions.
I also noticed today how hard my brain is trying to convince me I should stay in my current job. And then I was thinking about what led me on the path of seeking a new job. A colleague that never spoke the truth to me and that used her size and conversations with no one else present to intimidate me. A colleague that confronted me with her backup person and then never said another word to me but went behind my back and used a system to get what she wants. And then my last day of work, leaders telling me things that sounded like her voice and telling me my workspace would be with her. I cannot see this anyway but an attempt to control me. I can stand up for myself as much as I want. Unless someone in that system is willing to stand up to her and stand by me, I'm toast. Why would I want to continue to try to function in that environment?
Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad you are processing and finding more to work through. It may feel frustrating that there is so much, but it sounds like you are making great progress! :thumbup:
I understand what you mean about feeling like your parents will punish you. I still feel something very similar; it's like I'm afraid of their reaction. It makes sense that you haven't given them many details. That sounds like a good call!
It sounds like you've made some important realizations about work, too. While your mind "defaulted" to one thing, it's great that you thought it through to understand better! You're right, it is very important to have support. We are social creatures by nature, so it's important to help hold each other up.
--
Even before I caught up on reading your posts today, I was thinking about your running. It's amazing that you are getting back in to it like that. I completely agree that it doesn't matter how long it takes you. I'm impressed that you are even participating! I don't think I would be able to do that yet.
I also get what you mean about wearing clothing that is not optimal for training. When I first started going out jogging, I was wearing heavy jeans and work boots; no surprise I hurt my ankle. I still wear jogging pants outside, even though I should be in shorts. I find it a challenging process to work through the shame and body image issues. It is getting better though, and it sounds like it is getting better with you too!
I'm glad to hear you ordered some new clothes. I'm sure you look great! If someone doesn't like your looks, they can close their eyes. You have as much right as anyone to be out there in healthy and comfortable way!
All the best to you, Rainydiary! :)
Jazzy, I appreciate the observations and encouragement.
I continue to think about my work situation and what I really want. My certainty in what I want seems to be evolving each day.
Last week after I got all worked up and reached out to the principal, I spent some time writing down what I would want to say to her and what I want her to hear.
There are many things I want her to hear and understand, but I also know how she is. If I move too quick and make any big emotional statements, she will turn on me. What I really want her to know is how disrespected I have felt from my first day at that place and that all of my behavior and whatever is because I feel like I do not matter. My colleagues also have some real issues they need to sort out, but I am finding myself taking that less personally and more capable of standing up for myself.
So, that first contact with her made me feel good in that I acknowledged to her I am not ok with the conversation that took place with my colleagues. Lesson I learned is that I avoid and wait a long time to address concerns and would like to try a new way of being with this. I would like to develop a way of seeking feedback from my colleagues and documenting that so I mostly have a record.
I distilled my thoughts down to two big things that would help me feel more supported and emailed these to the principal today. One is if I could have a workspace away from the team I am part of. I also said I would commit to scheduling as part of my schedule time to sit with each part of my team each week.
I am curious to see how/if she will respond. Depending on how she responds, I may feel more ok with remaining in this job if she shows me she has my back. I didn't tell her before or try to get help because I assumed she wouldn't do anything other than gaslight me. She still might do that, but I feel more empowered that I am at least putting out there what I want and it is documented that I tried.
While the behavior of many people I work with has not been ok, I am also tired of running away. Getting out of a situation absolutely is often the best thing to be done. But I'm not sure that is where I am. If I receive no support from this person who claims to want to support us as well as a job offer somewhere else, I will know what to do. But I would also like to participate more directly in my life and not just let things happen. There is a lot I cannot control but I can do my best to share my perspective and what would help me.
:hug:
rainy,
sometimes we need those reminders from others, their words or deeds, to strengthen our belief that we're doing the right thing for ourselves. i've been in an abusive work environment, so i can relate. keep moving forward.
i understand the idea of being 'punished' by an authority figure - for me, it hasn't necessarily been my parents, but others who have determined rules and regulations for me to follow. it's a horrible feeling. i've felt it w/ the medical profession, therapists, bosses - anyone who has had my wellbeing in their hands. i've been scared to speak up, to own my truth, make a mistake - you name it. i feel for you, i really do.
keep taking care of you as best you can, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Thanks Armadillo and San.
I just heard from the place I felt best at interviewing and they said no. I am shocked. I thought it went really well.
I'm going to need some time to process. I still have two other jobs in progress, but sheesh. I suppose it wasn't meant to be.
it certainly sucks when you thought one thing and the opposite happens. so sorry to hear this. sending love and support while you process, rainy. :hug:
:hug: Rainy.
The right thing will happen at the right time. Don't let your critic be mean to you today, ok? I've been in lots and lots of interview panels and usually it is very difficult to choose because they are almost all great candidates, but you have to pick one and it sucks. 😪
I appreciate your support San and Armadillo. This is my first time interviewing since understanding CPTSD and I am finding it overwhelming. I understand I won't always be the right candidate, but it stinks. It mostly stinks that this process is bringing up a lot of things from my past.
I acknowledged to myself today that I haven't really been ok for going on three weeks. I've had moments of ease but overall my anxiety and hypervigilance have increased. I also have been wondering about depression. I don't usually associate my experience as depression but I do think it may apply.
I had finally been establishing some feelings of general safety that were knocked down in my last of work. These feelings haven't completely gone but they are shaky.
I am mostly just tired of feeling so much and putting so much effort in. Really the events of my last day of work have deep roots both in my personal life and in my work life. I want things to resolve and be resolved and to not have to put so much energy into what I am doing right now.
My inner critic has been sneakier. I have grown and changed a lot...so it has to get craftier in taking me down. I'm not completely sure what will help right now. I will do my best to take each step on this path I'm on.
I'm sorry you're feeling down, Rainydiary. :hug:
Rejection like that is so difficult! Did they tell you why? Of course, you don't have to share here. It's just that it may not even have anything to do with you. There are a lot of going-ons involved in the hiring process that most people aren't aware of. I know ICr is a nasty little thing and will twist that all around if you let it, but I hope you can keep it tolerable. It sounds challenging with things changing and being unsure what will work well.
I've been struggling with ICr these last few days too. Sometimes it feels like a long boxing match where I'm climbing back in to the ring for round 10+. I've found encouraging music to be helpful. I've been playing it almost non-stop since Saturday. Another thing I've tried to do is add "yet" to the end of sentences that aren't so positive, e.g. "My heart rate isn't as low as I would like,
yet".
I get it that you're tired. All of this stuff is mentally and physically exhausting. I hope you find the time to rest and comfort yourself. :)
Quote from: RainydiaryI will do my best to take each step on this path I'm on.
I really love how you ended this on a positive note. The struggle is so hard, but finding that bit of positivity makes all the difference in the world. Great job! :applause:
Hi Jazzy, the rejection is hard because what they don't know is they touch upon a lot of rejection in my past that has nothing to do with now. I am not sure why they went another way. It could be they needed someone bilingual or with a specific skill set I'm not strong in. I'm not as upset anymore - I didn't even really want a job with them is what this turn of events is showing me. I just didn't expect a no.
I do have some follow up interviews with the two other jobs I interviewed for. The pro is these jobs would be really different from what I've done before. But, I feel so burned out by work that my heart doesn't really feel into what I am doing. I will see these to the end.
I had my yoga teacher training tonight and enjoyed it. My takeaway tonight is the idea "I am enough." They really emphasize this in the training. That is difficult for me to believe, as I'm sure it is for a number of people.
Quote from: rainydiary on June 15, 2021, 02:46:53 AM
My takeaway tonight is the idea "I am enough." They really emphasize this in the training.
This is a great take away. I hope you can keep it with you. I can't believe how many interviews you were able to land so quickly Rainy!!!
Thanks Armadillo. I work in a field that often has openings. That is because burnout is high, unfortunately.
Today I finally processed what I've been going through the past three weeks. Yes, I have coworkers that act unkindly (to put it mildly), but I am not ready to leave my current job because of them. Something in me has shifted and I feel called to stand up for myself. I have worked hard and done good work. I don't have to do what these folks say. They are not in charge of me. Their behavior speaks very loudly about them and the things they are struggling with.
I know that staying will be difficult and I anticipate them upping their antics. And yet, I feel it is important that I speak up and take up space. I haven't really spoken up for myself. I have avoided and been passive. I would like to try a different way.
Next week I will be meeting with the principal. I need to plan what I will say but one question I have is if there is a concern about my job performance. My instinct is that there isn't any issue with my performance other than one person doesn't like that I don't do what she says. I don't want to be falsely accused of things without having my say, so I plan to become more proactive in seeking feedback and documenting what I hear. I will also meet with an administrator at the school district level a few weeks after that and plan to get some input and suggestions from her.
I am tired of quitting jobs to avoid dealing with difficult situations. They keep following me because I am not changing. I am not going to continue growing if I allow people to push me around. I have played a part in this and am willing to own my role. I have a plan for things I want to face in the coming school year. I also plan to identify safe spaces and people I can go to when needed. I already have that but didn't use it this year.
My heart feels easier and I know I am making the right decision for myself. I don't plan to work at this place forever but it is a place I can continue to push boundaries and try out new skills I am working on. I hope to keep working on self protective factors before I go back - I'm going to need them.
Quote from: rainydiary on June 16, 2021, 02:51:04 AM
Yes, I have coworkers that act unkindly (to put it mildly), but I am not ready to leave my current job because of them. Something in me has shifted and I feel called to stand up for myself. I have worked hard and done good work. I don't have to do what these folks say. ...
I know that staying will be difficult and I anticipate them upping their antics. And yet, I feel it is important that I speak up and take up space.
Wow, rainydiary! :cheer:
I can really feel the power and strength in you through your words.
It's a bit similar with me and all the problems with other tenants in the building / garden and with the LL. Friends sometimes suggest that I move but I know in my heart of hearts that similar stuff could very well appear somewhere else. Not because I'm at fault in the sense of 'always picking fights' but because I still need to grow and change in how I stand up for myself. Your post reminds me very much of my own situation, except that you sound much clearer to me on how you intend to navigate from now on. :yes:
You go, girl! I'm standing with you. :hug:
Hey rainydiary,
QuoteI have a plan for things I want to face in the coming school year. I also plan to identify safe spaces and people I can go to when needed.
Your plans for the new school year are the start of something great. Not that you'll have ultimate success in everything, or others will change but the first step to acceptance and growth is making those plans. I especially like the safe people and places goal. Same here. It's so important to establish that foundation. I understand how devastating rejection is and how it taps into old, long standing memories and experiences. It may take a while to sort through it, however every moment spend doing so adds another skill to your "toolbox."
I completely understand how it is difficult to deal with rejection like that. You're absolutely right, it is compounded by everything in the past, which others have no idea about. I find the same to be true about anger as well. I hope this gets easier for you. I'm confident it will as you continue to grow.
As the others have said, this is phenomenal growth! Congratulations! :cheer: I'm so happy for you! :)
One thing I've found important is to keep myself encouraged so that I am able to follow through with plans like that. It is even more difficult when co-workers and others around are negative, so that encouragement is so crucial to me.
You're doing great work! Keep it up! :hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate your words. As I was interviewing at other places, I realized I would still face the challenges I am facing just packaged differently. I think I have this idea of a "fresh start," but I'm not sure that is really possible because I carry so much with me.
Beekeeper, thank you for your support. I realized today that I have had some safe people offer up safe havens at work and in the past I haven't taken them up on their offers. I think a lot of that occurred before the pandemic and during the pandemic I felt more restricted in my movements. I hope to accept support from people that have offered it.
Jazzy, I appreciate your encouragement. As I've been processing, I felt deep down that I haven't exhausted all of my options in my current job. I haven't spoken up for myself and have been stuck in operating from a more child state. I want to try out my strength and voice and see how that does or does not shift my experience. If it continues to not work, I would like to leave my job in a normal manner and be able to say goodbye to my students so that I don't feel like I am slinking off in the middle of the night.
Today has been a relatively good day. I slept ok, I had a good run, I attended a really inspiring training, and have been able to rest a bit.
While running, I passed a house in my neighborhood that had this beautiful row of pink roses. Pink is my absolute favorite color and those roses brought me joy.
I also heard the word "moxie" today and it really struck a chord with me. I think that will the word I hold onto for my next school year.
Quote from: rainydiary on June 16, 2021, 10:19:53 PM
As I've been processing, I felt deep down that I haven't exhausted all of my options in my current job. I haven't spoken up for myself and have been stuck in operating from a more child state. I want to try out my strength and voice and see how that does or does not shift my experience. If it continues to not work, I would like to leave my job in a normal manner and be able to say goodbye to my students so that I don't feel like I am slinking off in the middle of the night.
Wow. This is huge. I applaud your insights. I hear the strength in you words. You have my support.
You definitely have MOXIE!!! :cheer:
Notalone, thank you! My moxie is still present but my anxiety is trying to take over today.
I have felt anxious most of today. It feels like a plus that I noticed. I tried to bring my attention to the present a few times today, but it isn't really lasting today. Some of it could be related to my place in my menstrual cycle. But also anxiety has been my way of being for so long it is going to continue to take time to change that. It has changed today it is just a little worse than it has been.
I have an idea of how I would like to move forward...and yet it is also scary. My biggest worry is that my tattling colleagues have given the impression I am not doing well in my job. I haven't really been given performance concerns...but maybe I have? The way that is handled is so muddy in my work.
I know I will find my way. I still haven't ever made a list of my good things for when my inner critic is yelling at me. I would like to work on that in the coming days.
*sigh*
My husband and I were having a good conversation. He and I have been on more stable ground and I've been feeling a lot better in our relationship.
He brought up something that his mom told him that would effectively mean him moving back home. I appreciate that he told me and I think I handled it well. But it did upset me. It upsets me that his mom is actively trying to get him to move back to his hometown. I'm not surprised, but having such a blatant example makes me sick.
I hope it is a good sign he told me instead of keeping it to himself. His family is so enmeshed and I felt glad to see him establishing boundaries with them in a way I hadn't seen before when they visited last month. But I still have a part of me that fears he won't be able to withstand and will eventually get pulled back in.
I am feeling especially sensitive today. I don't want to make this conversation bigger than it needs to be.
Hi Rainydiary,
I completely understand that you're feeling sensitive about hearing about that conversation, but I do think that it's good that your husband told you about it. His mom can of course say what she likes, but at the end of the day, it's down to you and your husband to decide what you both want for your lives together. I hear your sigh about it clearly.
I hope you both can enjoy the rest of the day, and not let his mom affect it any more - it's so great that you and your husband are feeling on more stable ground and feeling a lot better in your relationship. That's wonderful to hear.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Rainy I love that you are thinking of staying at your job and standing up for yourself and asking directly about any performance concerns. I don't like the idea of you staying and being abused but love the idea you staying and standing up for Rainy. :cheer:
Ugh your in laws sound awful. :hug: I'm really happy to hear your husband was able to tell you about that conversation despite the enmeshment in the family. Do you feel reassured by him and how he is dealing with it right now?
Armadillo - I appreciate the outside perspective on my job. I will do my best to take care. I feel a giant shift in how I relate to the behavior of my colleagues...and to be honest I've encountered this type of behavior in almost every job I've had. Not saying it is ok because it isn't, but I think it is systemic and I'm not really able to get away from it.
Hope & Armadillo - I appreciate the insight and thoughts about my relationship woes. I reflected on our exchange today. I think something I often fail to keep in mind is that my husband is a rather anxious person. He hides it pretty well, but a lot of his comments I believe often come from a place of anxiety. Last night when he brought up his mom to me, I see now how much courage that must take given how negatively I have reacted in the past. I didn't get as outwardly upset, but also badly timed getting up to leave the room after he mentioned this. He interpreted my behavior as "upset" when really I was just cleaning up the dinner dishes before we watched a movie. In his voice, I heard the anxiety.
I think it is physically and emotionally painful for him to talk about his mom especially. He has been made to feel responsible for her his whole life. When I have a meltdown, I think I trigger him. I think he is taken back to being a child made to feel responsible for his mother and whole family. It's hard for me because he doesn't know this lingo and way of speaking and thinking so we miscommunicate and misattune especially on anything that even brushes up against the topic of his family. I would imagine too his mom is especially amping up her game because she saw him standing up to her on the recent trip.
I am beginning to tread into uncharted area here as I be mindful and aware of when he is triggered while also caring for myself when triggered. It is complicated.
I'm not feeling well emotionally today. A lot of it is related to my menstrual cycle. I have also been through a lot in the past several weeks. I am feel a little bit worse than usual on days where I complete my long runs. It's also hard to watch my cat change. She is relatively ok for now but I notice changes in her ability to care for herself. It is hurting my heart.
While I was running today, I reflected on how I developed avoidance, passivity, and fawning in response to the abuse I experienced. My poor little self thought these would help and change my abusers' minds that I was a good girl deserving of love.
I see this dynamic being played out at work. I have used these old coping strategies that don't work. There strategies essentially erase me and leave a void. My coworkers fill this void with their own story and put stuff on me that isn't mine. My abusers did this too. So, all that is happening at work is triggering these deep feelings of not being heard or seen.
I can disrupt this pattern and try new ways. It is very difficult though.
My cat has continued to be out of sorts today more than usual. I ended up bringing her to an animal ER. Her back paw looks sick and she keeps fussing at it. I am waiting for them to bring me an update.
Being here is hard. I feel like the people here are acting like I am being ridiculous. I tried to clean to her paw but it was causing so much stress for both of us I decided it would be better for someone more experienced to help me.
Earlier today I cried because I feel so incapable of caring for my cat as she ages and her kidney disease progresses. Her needs feel bigger now and I feel out of my depth. Really all of this is because I feel like the kidney disease put a timer on her. She could live for years to come but now I know she is sick. It hurts me.
Hello Rainy Diary.
I hope you are OK with me dipping into your journal. Since coming back to the forum, I have read some of your posts about your marriage and your problems with your in laws, both of which felt very familiar to me.
I just want to say how sorry I am to read about your worries about your cat. I have a dog, who means the world to me, and as she ages, and has episodes of illness, I am desperately worried about her, and the future. You put it so well when you referred to the timer on her.
I was also very struck by your awareness that your strategies of avoidance, defence and fawning ultimately led to you taking on stuff that wasn't yours. Since my h died, I have come to realise that this was happening a lot in our marriage. So your articulating this really helped me. Thank you.
I wish you well with your job. It sounds like you have a strong strategy to deal with the issues.
Libby, I appreciate you reaching out and sharing these observations. It is so helpful to have you and the community here - it helps me feel supported. :hug:
My cat ended having a foot infection. I have no clue how that happened. Of course the emergency vet mentioned it could be an autoimmune problem. I just feel bad that her little body has been strong for long and now is encountering all kinds of things.
I am exhausted today because I didn't sleep well. My cat was given a collar to wear so that she won't lick her paw. Well, she is hating the collar and gets stuck because she won't lift her head and is crouching low to the ground when moving. She'll move if someone holds the collar for her...but obviously I can't do this if I am sleeping. I slept some, but it wasn't enough and was definitely fueled by anxiety.
My cat won't eat or drink because she is so stressed. I gave her medicine this morning which I'm sure would go down better with food but I can't force her to eat. It's also tricky since she has kidney disease, I can't get too creative with food. The lack of eating and drinking is a common response for her when she is really stressed, so I hope she will calm down enough soon to eat and drink.
I have a medical appointment of my own tomorrow. It is just a regular check up, but I don't enjoy going to the doctor. Yet, I would rather try to be as proactive as I can with my health.
My husband has been helpful with my cat. Usually he leaves me to deal with her, but I have needed help especially with giving her medicine and he has helped. We had planned to go hiking today and I'm not sure that is going to happen because of the cat. She is at least not trying to get the collar off like she had been.
Hi rainydiary,
Dealing with your feline's problems is very difficult, but caring and doing what you can makes a difference. Caring for yourself by visiting the MD is proactive and self-love. I'm glad your H came through with some help. :grouphug:
BeeKeeper, I appreciate these words. They warmed my heart. :hug:
My husband and I ended up going on our hike. Most of the time I was deeply worried about leaving my cat, but tried to enjoy the hike. It was a beautiful time and we both were able to compromise on our limits and plans to address those limits.
When I got home, my cat was in the spot where I left her. She seemed more calm and I stayed with her for a while. I finally found that she would eat a bit and drink some from a plate. I keep making the mistake of letting her come upstairs which seems to really set her off. She got into a panic coming up the stairs and I took her back downstairs. She is "resting" downstairs. I guess she has found the spot she intends to lay in for several hours.
I feel overwhelmed by things coming up this week. I hope to feel more rested this week. I haven't slept well for several nights.
Last night didn't end up being as restful as I had hoped. My cat peed on my bed right after I'd fallen asleep. I think I noticed it quick enough and was able to clean up before it soaked into the mattress too badly.
She is so upset and won't really eat or drink much without my help. She also won't use the litter box. The cone is really throwing her off. I am going to buy some pads later to put on the ground. I'm not upset about her peeing on my bed - I understand and hope that the pads will help. I'm sure she needs to poop too. I called the vet today to see if I can get some wet food because I think she might be more willing to eat that.
I'm currently at my physician appointment. We'll see how it goes.
Hi RainyDiary :)
I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the rest you hoped for yet. Your cat sounds so stressed out, it is painful to read! We all know about stress, and it's so sad that the cat is going through that too.
However she is very lucky to have you for her mother. You clearly have the experience, compassion, and care to look after her as best as possible. For example, so many people would be angry about the pee on the bed, but not you! :) It's so great that you understand and care! :thumbup:
It's also great you are looking for ways to make it easier for her to eat, which is vital. I wonder if there are any other options available like some drops to put in her water? The reason I mention this is because I have had difficulty with my own cat, Tiger, eating recently.
She has always been an extremely picky eater. I thought it was because she was abused and neglected by her previous owner, but there may be more to it. I always thought wet food is nicer, because I wouldn't want to eat dry food all day. However Tiger likes the dry food much more.
I compared the two types of food in an attempt to understand why this is, and if it is a healthy choice for her or not. Much to my surprise, I found that the dry food had triple the amount of nutrients in it than the wet food did!
My babies will certainly be getting dry food from now on, and I'm very proud of Tiger that she was able to realize the difference in the types of food!
I hope that you're able to find a great option to take care of your cat. I'm sure you will. :)
Jazzy <3
Jazzy, I appreciate your words of support and ideas. It made me feel connected and I am glad you shared. I did find that giving her some wet food helped a bit (my cat generally prefers dry food too but when she is not well the wet food is a helpful thing). I didn't realize that about the nutrient difference. I believe my cat is a trauma survivor too and definitely gets stressed in a way vets or others don't understand.
What I ended up doing after crying and watching my cat suffer for 2 days is take the cone off. She is not going to heal if she is in constant flight mode. Her foot is already looking better and I am doing my best to disrupt her licking her paw which isn't much. She mostly just wanted to clean herself, go to the bathroom, and sleep. She is already doing much better as she is eating and drinking and resting more peacefully. Given that she now has kidney concerns, I don't want her missing meals and water and I know that if she had to keep wearing that cone she would continue to be hypervigilant and not care for herself. I have known her for 8 years and am trying my best to honor what the vet said with the reality of how she is. I will give her the medicine and help her rest as much as she can while her paw heals.
My doctor visit went ok today. I like the physician I go to now. She and a lot of folks here get concerned about my risk for skin cancer. It is real and I don't want to harm myself. I do the best I can, but it is tough to always get it right. I made an appointment with a dermatologist next week for a check up. Me a year ago would have waited to set up an appointment. I decided to just get it done. That way I will be on break if I need to do anything else.
I am also hyper aware that this week I will be meeting with the principal for a check in about the conversation I had with colleagues on my last day of work. I have been getting increasingly anxious. I am mostly anxious I won't be heard. I also tend to be really reflective and deep and want to go deep in conversation with others. I have met very few people that can tolerate this or go there with me. I am going to make a plan of that I hope to communicate in this meeting and to keep it as simple, factual, truthful, and focused on an outcome I hope for as I can.
I am also really mad at several of my colleagues. I honestly can't imagine how to move forward in my interactions with them. I think the same approach I hope to take with the principal. Part of me wants to say things to make them feel bad. But I don't think more harm is the answer because it will harm me too.
I am exhausted but have a yoga training tonight. I look forward to attending as I learn a great deal. I don't have any commitments tomorrow, so hopefully I can rest better tonight and wake up more refreshed than I feel.
I am quite worn out today and feel off. I slept through the night last night for the first time in about a week. I ended up having weird dreams. I can't remember exactly what the dreams were but I remember feeling the longing for connection. That is what a lot of my dreams are about.
My mom texted me today to ask about my cat. I feel like her responses to my handling of my situation were judgmental. I get hurt by her comments because she is trying to be cool but isn't. She has no room to judge me in how I handle my pet. My cat seems to be feeling better. Her paw is looking a lot better.
Each day I am still trying to navigate time and space with my husband. He just left for a walk and didn't ask me to go along. We certainly have had a codependent relationship in the past and I think this might be a good thing that he branching out more. But it is scary for me still. I hate feeling like we keep each other stuck but also am afraid that as he finds his own way in the world I will not be what he wants in the long run. I have no evidence that is the case, just a very disorganized attachment.
I am often reminded by others that I am more reflective and think through things more than others. I don't ever really know what to say to that as I can't always tell if that is being given as a compliment or a criticism. I don't know how else to be. But this way of being does make me feel separate which is probably why I dream about connection.
It's good to hear your cat's doing better :hug:
Thanks Blueberry. Her paw keeps looking better. I'm hoping we won't need to go to the vet for a while.
I am starting to feel incredibly anxious. I have a meeting tomorrow with the principal of the school. I emailed her today to confirm the appointment and she mentioned that another person will be joining us. I had a meeting planned with this other person in a few weeks, but it is a bit triggering. I suppose I am glad I emailed and was given forewarning that she will be there. I emailed both of them to say what I hope to discuss.
I have a lot going through my mind:
- am I doing a bad job?
- will I be able to effectively communicate my perspective with these folks?
- will they listen to my perspective?
- should I disclose my CPTSD with these folks?
- am I in trouble?
- why am I the only one being treated like I have done something wrong?
- what of this is a trauma response?
- how can I prevent this in the future?
- what will happen if I start speaking up more?
- will I be under a microscope this year?
- what have I done to deserve this?
- will I be strong enough to endure this?
- will I finish my run in time for the meeting?
- will I have time to meditate or ground before the meeting?
- why am I giving this so much thought when no one else is?
- what will I do when they insist on me doing things I have expressed I don't want to do?
I asked for this meeting because I want to feel less bad at work. I'm not sure this meeting is going to help. I am bringing in baggage of my life experiences. I hope to stay as present as I can in the meeting. I accept that I have things I can grow in and adjust (because I am human), but my experiences at work are that this type of situation is handled in such a punitive way. I don't like feeling like I have been "bad." My perspective is that others have contributed to this dynamic and are shifting blame to me. I don't want to go down for their nastiness.
I will do my best to take care tonight. At least the meeting is relatively early so I won't have to obsess.
I notice that as I prepare for bed, my brain is trying to work itself up.
I have thoughts at my meeting constantly in my mind. Then my mind is jumping to thoughts about my in-laws. Then to my co-workers that I feel steamrolled by. Then to my husband who has been working for over 12 hours today. Then to my parents for not giving me what I needed.
All of these things are difficult. My brain wants to protect me from the pain of having a difficult conversation though. I initiated the meeting I am having tomorrow. I am terrified they are going to say more things I don't like that hurt me. Yet, I think that if I had not asked for this meeting, nothing would have been said to me. So, my mind is trying to protect me in ways that aren't helpful.
I deserve to take space tomorrow. I am imagining how the conversation will go so that I am ready with to say. I am proud of myself for taking this step. We'll see how it goes.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you go through this meeting, standing up for Rainy. Speaking up for her. It's really courageous and loving to yourself that you are doing this.
Hi rainy,
I noticed this:
QuoteI am often reminded by others that I am more reflective and think through things more than others. I don't ever really know what to say to that as I can't always tell if that is being given as a compliment or a criticism.
I hear this as well and have always taken it as a criticism. There's been shift lately and I see that the people who say this are perhaps telling me they either can't understand my points, or don't want to. IMO, the people who do think the same way you do and appreciate your qualities would not put it this way., but rather would comment on specific ideas or thoughts.
This is a tough week for you. I can relate. No doubt your meeting has brought some things to light, or at least you now have more information than you did before. When I need to comb through a difficult conversation for tidbits, insights, I now look for commonalities first, and differences second. A lot of things you probably already knew or were aware of. For the things you weren't, then it has
ties to known or unknown issues. Hold onto the thought that you deserve respect and honesty, since that is the behavior you are providing as an example. Each day allows a little bit more understanding than the one before.
Armadillo, I appreciate your support today. I felt it!
BeeKeeper, I appreciate your insights and the encouragement to hold on to my right to respect and honesty.
I slept poorly toward the end of the night. I woke up very early. My husband did too. He is going through his own advocacy stuff at work. This worked ok as I needed time for my run before the meeting.
I was nervous but I did my best to feel my strength. My body was definitely giving me signs of nerves. I decided to hold my head as high as I could.
The meeting went so much better than I imagined it would. Both people listened to me and didn't interrupt. I had enough time to speak and share honestly about all the things that were bothering me. I got it all out. They said they wanted to hear it.
The feedback I got is that I am doing as well as I can. They helped me see that from their perspective what is going on is a system problem. They are going to help set some expectations on our team. I'm glad I spoke up because they weren't aware of the things I was told by my colleagues and they did not agree with what I was told. They agreed that it seemed like my colleagues were trying to control me.
I did share about my trauma history because it felt important to share. They acknowledged that and said they appreciated me sharing. I also asked about my workspace and the principal showed me a spot that she will turn into an office for me. I promised that I would not isolate myself.
I had a lot of adrenaline after the meeting. And now I am feeling a bit vulnerable. In the long run I think this will be the start of something good and of me speaking up for myself.
Rainydiary, I am so, so proud of you. Also, really glad that your meeting went well. Even if it hadn't, your courage in setting up the meeting and in speaking up is commendable.
:waveline: :yourock: :cheer:
Also, I think it was good that you honored your instincts and took the cone off of your cat. You knew what she needed.
Good job setting up the appointment with the dermatologist right away. I tend to put doctor appointments off, also.
This sounds so wonderful, Rainydiary!
You took a risk, and it paid off big time! That's great! As notalone said, your courage is commendable.
I think it's natural to feel vulnerable after all of that. I hope you take the time you need to feel better and reflect on the positive outcome.
Jazzy <3
Aw I want to give you a HUGE hug right now! You were both strong and vulnerable. This is really great news both on the work front and on the personal recovery front. :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: and :grouphug:
Getting through the work meeting, and making yourself heard, sounds like such an achievement, Rainy Diary. I like that you shared your trauma, they listened and responded with a solution. A good result, by the sounds of it.
rainy,
I'm celebrating with everyone else for those same reasons. I like this one too:
QuoteI'm glad I spoke up because they weren't aware of the things I was told by my colleagues and they did not agree with what I was told. They agreed that it seemed like my colleagues were trying to control me.
A two way street within a meeting is a plus! :hug:
Notalone, Jazzy, Armadillo, Libby, and BeeKeeper - thank you for all of the support and encouragement. It is nice to have a celebration.
I am feeling a little less overwhelmed today by what I did. I think the key is that people in a position of leadership saw controlling behavior too and will help address it. I am not alone in dealing with this which is how I felt before. I am finding it easier to relax today as they validated me. Both of them guessed that I hadn't had a very good time since that meeting in May with my colleagues. They reminded me that this isn't mine to fix and that I don't have to own what happened.
It is so challenging that we do need others to help us gain perspective. I am wondering about trust. I think trust is less constant than I want it to be. Depending on what another person is dealing with and how they are on a given day and in a moment, they may not be able to offer what I might need and vice versa. I will have to think on this more.
Last night I had a dream about someone from my past. This happens from time to time - they are always a welcome presence in my dreams. It was initially a comforting dream because this person means a lot to me. Then it became distressing because there came a point in the dream where I couldn't find them anymore. This often happens when they are in my dreams.
I find myself wanting to make meaning of these dreams and of this person's role in my life. Mostly what comes up is grief and the awareness that when I make a choice, other options aren't available. It's just a confusing thing that leaves me feeling sad.
Hi
Rainydiary,
It sounds like you are making progress and learning more and more about yourself. That's excellent! :thumbup:
I'm sorry that you feel confused and sad. Those certainly aren't nice feelings to have.
Quote from: Rainydiarywhen I make a choice, other options aren't available.
This has been on my mind lately as well. I try to avoid choices like that, answering "both" whenever I'm given two options. I realize this isn't always possible, but it's possible a lot more often than I previously believed.
I hope you find a way to minimize the loss in your life, and become more comfortable when those unavoidable losses do come.
:hug:
<3 Jazzy
Jazzy, I appreciate your thoughts. :hug:
I am exhausted today after a very long run and a yoga teacher training.
For some reason I was remembering how my mother didn't believe me when I told her I couldn't see the board in 5th grade. It took a whole year and I'm pretty sure a note from my middle school before she believed me and got me glasses. I remember the nurse in 6th grade kind of taking it out on me saying "How can you even see the board?"
I think this memory is coming up because it is part of the whole not being believed when I speak up.
:fallingbricks:
I'm sorry, Rainydiary! This is a difficult thing, and it certainly shouldn't have been taken out on you.
I think you're right about the memory. I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed, but I'm glad you are processing it now.
<3 Jazzy
Hi rainy,
Not being able to use a sense is frustrating, limiting and builds up anger. Your assessment of the memory being accessible due to overall feelings of not being taken seriously fits perfectly. I had assumed only certain kind of mothers neglected their children's needs. Not true. This opened my thinking in a big way.
I can relate to your dreams of having people return then losing them in the same dream. That's so distressing. Focused self-compassion on awakening helps me a little bit.
The willingness to make a stand, be seen, heard and felt, is empowering. It changes everything, inside and out.
Jazzy and BeeKeeper, I appreciate your words and will come back and process more.
I am currently participating in a class for my yoga teacher training and I notice it unlocking a lot of feelings.
My mom has been texting me pictures of my brother and his family today. At first I thought the pictures were sent to her by my SIL. Further pictures indicate that my brother and his family are visiting with my parents.
So many thoughts coming up. Why is she sending me these pictures? Is it a passive invitation to be there? Is it to share? Is it to remind me of something? I just don't understand. It is hurting me for some reason.
My thoughts have been with my siblings lately so maybe this is just pressing on that. We haven't figured out how to maintain relationships with one another as we've grown up. It is hard. I'm not quite sure what it is I want in my relationship to them. Just seeing my siblings brings up a lot of pain. I think the same is true for them.
Today I am reminded of how much of a wave I ride. Things go up and down. There are so many layers to this especially with family. I think I feel less able to directly face my issues with my family than I do with other areas. I would say too I have mostly thought about my parents and less about my siblings. I think It might be time to give my siblings some more attention in my thoughts and see where it brings me.
Thoughts keep coming up so I am wanting to get them out there.
I think I most often acknowledge the pain of my father's abuse because it was more obvious and violent. Today I really acknowledge how I find myself always needing to have an answer ready to every person I speak with because of my dad.
My mother I have a very different experience with. The abuse and neglect I experienced with her was less obvious to me and now I find myself needing to acknowledge how much she hurt me too.
In looking with adult eyes, I often wonder how my mom was actually treated by my dad. I wouldn't say he is very kind to her. I sometimes think she did or didn't do things with regard to myself and my siblings out of fear of him. I think that relates to her own trauma and issues, but it was harmful to us.
To this day, I have significant body and appearance issues because of my mom. She also invaded my boundaries a great deal by going in my room and looking through my things. She often wouldn't believe things I'd told her, as was the case with needing glasses.
The combination of both my parents together was traumatic. They brought their own issues and created a blend of new issues that have impacted me and my siblings as well as themselves.
Today in my yoga teacher training, the instructor said something like "Just because someone did something from a place of pain doesn't make it any less painful for you. It is important to acknowledge that." Them saying that opened up these thoughts for me.
The other part of this that is opening up is how lonely I felt growing up. I still feel lonely. I've chosen a partner that is inconsistent in their own care toward me. I see my husband dealing with things in his own way, but I feel lonely with him especially today. Often in my mind it seems like it would be "easier" to find a different partner that would be more open. But I'm not sure it would work like that.
:hug:
:hug:
This is some great reflection and insight, Rainydiary! I'm glad to see you getting your thoughts put down "on paper". I find that very helpful, and I hope you do too.
<3 Jazzy
Quote from: rainydiary on June 27, 2021, 09:35:22 PM
Today in my yoga teacher training, the instructor said something like "Just because someone did something from a place of pain doesn't make it any less painful for you. It is important to acknowledge that." Them saying that opened up these thoughts for me.
Thank you for sharing this teaching Rainy. It is very helpful for me to read this. At the same time, I am sad it opened up some painful thoughts and memories for you. And I wish you didn't feel alone, especially in your marriage. I hope there is hope for your husband to change toward you.
I appreciate the support Notalone, Jazzy, and Armadillo.
I'm noticing that after all the work drama, I'm in a place of being like "What now?"
Certainly there is stuff coming up for me, but I also have a tendency to try to keep my anxiety and brain so busy.
I may feel lonely within my marriage but I also don't tell my husband what I need a lot of the time. I am getting better but there are many things that are more difficult to share even with him.
I have a dermatologist appointment which I really don't want to go to. I honestly would rather stay at home as much as possible always. I struggle with how much more comfortable I feel at home and alone than society deems acceptable. Some of my desire is to stay in because of trauma but also it is my nature.
Hi Rainy Diary.
Your recent posts seem to have really captured the intergenerational aspects of trauma. The breaks between parents and children, and between siblings, in both families of origin, and then in our own families. It seems too huge to stop, and so very sad. Like you, it makes me just want to isolate.
Best wishes to you in thinking and dealing with all of this.
I really relate to that "what now?" feeling, Rainy. I've noticed as I've disengaged from my mom my brain doesn't know what to do with itself and as I start to touch into feelings my brain tries to find something else to do. Hoping this eventually translates into increased work productivity...but right now it isn't.
Libby, I appreciate the way you framed the language about intergenerational trauma. It is just interesting now as I learn more the broader my perspective goes. Things are connected in ways I hadn't seen before. But it can make it very overwhelming.
Armadillo, I appreciate what you said, especially the part of touching feelings or thoughts where we're not ready to go. I'm trying to figure out how else to be that isn't in a constant state of stress, anxiety, etc.
I made it to my dermatologist appointment. The building is in a part of town I don't come often and I hate driving over here. The office I'm in also isn't very welcoming. I keep waiting to be interrupted as I sit here and wait.
MI'm not worried about my skin, this should just be a check up to make sure nothing has changed. The challenge is I've seen multiple providers in the past two years and it is hard to develop a relationship with any of them. This physician is also male which I really don't like. Specialists are tough to be picky with, but I feel much more comfortable with female providers. We'll see how this goes and perhaps in the future I can say I don't want to see him.
All I can think right now is *sigh*
My dermatologist appointment went really well. The dermatologist was really nice and I didn't feel too awkward with him being a male physician. Having all of your skin checked by another person is weird and he was way less awkward than the last dermatologist I went to.
A lot of memories related to medical care and my parents are coming up. I recently got a blister on my toe from running and at first I thought it was a wart. When I was a little kid I had a bunch of warts on my toes. My parents acted like they were super disgusting and their level of stress over these things was so unhelpful. They acted like it was intolerable for me to have these things on my body. I had a ton of procedures for them to be removed but nothing worked until I went swimming in the ocean.
Another instance was when I was a teen and started getting pimples. My mother freaked out. She took me to the dermatologist a ton and they gave me stuff that didn't really help. I remember being at one appointment and another person around my age was there and they made a comment that it didn't seem like my acne was that bad. I remember saying "See?" to my mom. She just keep pushing though.
Another instance with my mom is related to my teeth and interactions with dentists. I have a rather crowded mouth with an overbite. My lower teeth especially are a bit crooked. I remember my younger siblings somehow were able to get braces but I never was. My mom justified this to me a few years ago that someone told her it wasn't necessary for me. I don't know if that is true. My teeth don't give me any functional problems, but I have to be mindful of the dentist I go to as some are ruder to me about my teeth than others.
I am noticing with my mom that most of the reasons I was taken to the doctor was for appearance related issues. If I was ever actually sick, we didn't go to the doctor. The worst sick I ever got was food poisoning and colds, so I am fortunate. But, all it taught me is that the way I look is messed up and don't listen to your body otherwise.
As an adult, I have generally gotten an annual wellness exam. There are years where I didn't when I didn't really have health insurance. I also got really stressed out when I moved to my current state and they started in on me with my skin and all the moles I have. I have been trying to face that though. Last year I found a physician I really trust and I appreciate her. I am also accepting that it is good to check on my skin each year.
I'm not sure what to make of all that is coming up. I suppose it relates to fear and explains a lot of my anxiety around going to receive medical care. It's funny my parents will tell me I put my head in sand and ignore what is going on. Related to medical stuff that is what they do. I don't want to be afraid of my body or of the fact my body will decline.
Before I go, I just remembered another facet to my siblings. Yesterday I texted with my brothers and got updates. My one brother visiting with my parents is visiting as he and his family move to another state. I didn't realize they were moving. I guess though that my dad is going to help them...and visit with my other brother (who lives close to where my brother is moving). I live closest to my parents and they don't visit. Sometimes my husband and I will drive down for a holiday. But when we moved out here, my parents did nothing.
I think my brothers live a life more acceptable to my parents. Or at least recognizable. They are married, have kids, and I imagine a lot of the visiting is about the kids. My sister and I don't have kids. We have done our own things. So I guess as adults we are the bad ones. It's so weird and annoying.
I need to make dinner and get ready for a yoga training.
RainyDiary, I'm glad your appointment went well! It's always nice when a provider surprises us by being one we can stand.
What you said about your history kind of resonated with me. The teeth thing in particular. I have a little bit of an overbite and a small crowded mouth as well. I was a military dependent until the age of 11, and let's just say if there are good dentists in the military, I never met them. No one ever recommended braces or cared about my pain tolerance, so I have difficulty going to dentists even today. (military docs back then, for me, weren't much better) I despise dentists that talk down to you and berate you, especially when cruddy insurance means you can't even afford to meet the deductible. So yeah, I'm always reluctant because I feel like they're just going to treat me poorly and be rough. (nitrous oxide also doesn't work on me.) It can be off-putting.
Quote from: rainydiary on June 28, 2021, 09:58:45 PM
I am noticing with my mom that most of the reasons I was taken to the doctor was for appearance related issues. If I was ever actually sick, we didn't go to the doctor. The worst sick I ever got was food poisoning and colds, so I am fortunate. But, all it taught me is that the way I look is messed up and don't listen to your body otherwise.
This is a very significant and sad realization.
CactusFlower - yes, I wonder how much of my care was influenced by being in a military family. I think healthcare was sort of like "well if you must." I finally have a dentist I feel ok with - I still get anxious going but they haven't made a big deal out of my mouth. So I try to be ok. I notice that I really liked having a mask on all the time because then I didn't have to deal with comments about my teeth or feel self conscious. I dread the mask coming off.
Notalone, it is sad. I didn't really see that connection until today.
After I posted all of this stuff, I cried. I thought about the visit I just had and mostly was crying because of the compassion the physician and the medical assist showed me. First of all, the medical assistant actually checked on me when she knew I'd been waiting for a while. She asked if I wanted a blanket because it was cold in the room with just the gown on. It was really nice of her.
When the doctor came in, he was also compassionate. I realize I struggle with male physicians because I assume they will treat me like a "dumb girl" like my dad always did. He made me feel safe and comfortable and I was able to share about my experiences without being judged. He also asked before doing any touching of my body (which I'm sure isn't completely about being trauma informed but I appreciate his seeking consent first). He was just very relaxed and made me feel heard.
So I think as sad as I am about what has happened in my past, it is also helpful to notice moments that give me good feelings.
I'm glad to hear you found a doctor that is treating you with respect, Rainydiary. That is so important!
<3 Jazzy
Quote from: rainydiary on June 28, 2021, 04:39:43 PM
I have a dermatologist appointment which I really don't want to go to. I honestly would rather stay at home as much as possible always. I struggle with how much more comfortable I feel at home and alone than society deems acceptable. Some of my desire is to stay in because of trauma but also it is my nature.
I get this rainydiary.
Thanks for putting it out there.
It's good to hear that you had such a good experience at your medical appointment. The respectful attitude should just be good practice, but is ofter sadly lacking. Other people may not notice or care, but for people like us, I think that a little means so much.
I'm pleased that things went smoothly.
Jazzy, I agree, it's great to find supportive professionals.
Blueberry, of course. Sometimes I dream about moving to a remote place and living on my own. :hug:
Libby, I agree. I've had so many poor interactions with medical professionals. I am noticing that this might be part of my trauma given how much of this is also connected to the way my mom pushed me into interactions with medical professionals. At the same time, I need to try to find care for myself the best I can.
Today I am overwhelmed. I also notice anger. I process things very deeply and a lot has been going on. I notice I am judging myself for my need to process the way I do.
My thoughts are bouncing between things I'm learning this summer in trainings, work, my FOO, my husband, my cat. It is feeling like too much.
The most forefront right now is again my cat. She seems to be healing but also is sleeping/resting more than usual. She is eating and drinking and using her litter box as usual. I can't tell if she is simply convalescing or not feeling well. Since her recent vet visits I find I am not trusting my instincts with her as well. I feel unable to care for her.
I think underneath the overwhelm and anger is self-criticism. Even though I am making strides and growth, underneath I still feel deeply flawed with the idea that I am not deserving or worth it. I often wonder if I will ever not feel this way.
QuoteI often wonder if I will ever not feel this way.
You will.
Sometimes it sneaks up for a moment or so. Then, it lasts a couple minutes. It takes practice to recognize it, because it's quiet, or at least not the same level of noise that you're used to. It may be you find yourself seeking out moments of peace when before you might have just charged ahead. Be on the look out for strange feelings of self-appreciation. There's a lot you are doing that's kind and good.
Quote from: rainydiary on June 29, 2021, 02:08:52 PM
The most forefront right now is again my cat. She seems to be healing but also is sleeping/resting more than usual. She is eating and drinking and using her litter box as usual. I can't tell if she is simply convalescing or not feeling well. Since her recent vet visits I find I am not trusting my instincts with her as well. I feel unable to care for her.
I think underneath the overwhelm and anger is self-criticism. Even though I am making strides and growth, underneath I still feel deeply flawed with the idea that I am not deserving or worth it. I often wonder if I will ever not feel this way.
It's scary to not have control over the wellbeing of someone or somecat we care about. :hug:
I think you'll find peace one day and be happy with yourself and confident you are deserving and worth it. It feels impossible often but sometimes these little cracks in the self doubt and downright self hatred can grow to the point of shattering these awful thoughts we have about ourselves.
BeeKeeper & Armadillo, I appreciate the reminders to notice when it feels good and hopefully that will extend into longer and longer times.
Today has not felt good in any way. My husband and I are not attuned at all. Last week he wanted to talk a lot more. Of course he wanted to talk about work, but sometimes I have to take whatever it is he willing to initiate. This week I seem to be irritating him. I try to share what I need but it ends in me crying and him walking away.
My cat seems to be feeling ok. Her paw continues to look a little inflamed. Not as bad as it did. I will keep an eye on it but may need to take her to the vet again. I dread the thought of this.
I think today a lot of pain is around money. We are fortunate and have enough money for our needs. I feel a ton of guilt still with money. Today I bought a new computer because my old one was not working well and computers are important tools. My husband makes comments and I hear the voices of my parents commenting in my head. And then I think about the amount of money I've spent on my cat's care this month. It makes me not enjoy anything I buy. I think that is why I get so many massages. I don't feel guilty for that because it helps me. My husband has been really rude to me about the cost of the massages. Without his income, I definitely would need to make some lifestyle changes. But that isn't necessary right now.
It's annoying because he spends money however he wants with no question from me. The only time I sometimes will question him is when he seems to feel it necessary to spend a ton of money for his parents. His parents seem to think that his income is somehow theirs too. I know that a lot of his money issues come from them. But it is so annoying. I work hard and can spend my money in the way I see fit. I am trying to be more mindful of my spending - tons of new clothes don't ever make me feel better.
I will keep finding my way through this day.
I tried to take some time for myself. I have found listening to music, especially songs from the past, to be comforting. I listened to music for a while and decided to make a new recipe for dinner. We'll see how the recipe turns out. Trying to cook new things can super triggering for me. I do my best but I'm not a particularly careful or "good" cook so things turn out the way they turn out. My husband can be hard on me for that. His mom is a rather indifferent chef and she makes some of the most disgusting food. I think I trigger my husband sometimes with that. I don't think I'm as bad as his mom when cooking (at least I hope not).
I did check in with my husband which helped some. I brought up something I had wanted to say to him like a week ago but didn't. I reminded him of the email he got from his mom saying he should move home. I told him I'm glad he told me and I hope he will share stuff like that with me. I also voiced that I think it is not cool of his mom to do that. She makes it seem like it is not ok for us to live where we want to live. His enmeshed brain immediately jumps to defending her and how "that isn't what she means." I put it out there and we moved on.
My cat also is sitting on my lap. Some of my stress is that she hasn't been as cuddly with me as she usually is. She hasn't seemed distressed like she did the weekend I took her to the emergency vet. I'm trying to give her space to do what she needs to. Her foot/paw doesn't look normal and I can't tell if it is healing or getting worse. She doesn't seem to be over licking or anything so maybe it is healing (I hope). If not, I'll call her vet and get her in. It makes me feel a bit better she is returning to normal activities.
I am noticing feelings and thoughts today that I'm not sure what to make of them. I have seen others here commenting on trying to find the right words. I continue to step into places where I don't have the vocabulary to talk about my experience.
This morning I went swimming for the first time in a year and a half. I love swimming and being in and around water. I also have a lot of pain and trauma related to swimming as my parents were extremely harsh with me when I swam competitively as a child/teenager. There was a period of time where I refused to go to swimming because I face a lot of my triggers there. My husband also doesn't like swimming and I can't share that experience with him. As an adult I try to go and enjoy. I did enjoy my swim today although it was challenging. I hope to go more regularly.
I also decided to schedule an appointment with my cat's regular vet. She seems to be doing better but her paw is still swollen. I am curious if there is an underlying cause and if there is, my avoiding it won't change it. The visit isn't for a few weeks and in the meantime I will try a home remedy that the emergency vet told I could try. I don't want to go back to the emergency vet unless absolutely necessary.
I have been avoiding a certain phone call for almost 3 years now. I have some retirement savings accounts from a previous job with an institution that I don't want to be a part of anymore. I want to roll those accounts over into my main accounts with my preferred institution. I have been avoiding this rollover because the undesired institution makes this so difficult. They have no online option (as many places do these days) and I am forced to call. I am already feel bullied by this company and the thought of taking this step has put me off of it for years.
I feel myself getting closer to wanting to just get it over with. I am hoping to call tomorrow. I hope at the very least to make that call before I return to work in August.
Hey rainydiary,
I'm sorry about your complicated history arout something you love so much. Water can be so soothing, I hope you continue to take steps to be able to simply enjoy it again.
As for the phone call - best of luck. Are you someone to just grit your teeth and go for a difficult task? I find I feel more calm and confident when I do a little build-up - some very simple tasks and accomplishments just before the Big One. I find it interesting to see how others approach challenges. However/whenever you do it, it will soon be over and you'll be able to enjoy forgetting about it.
Thanks Laurels - for the phone call, I have listed out information I know I will need. I think the hard part for me is the actual conversation. Will they ask me questions I can't answer? Will I freeze up or figure to out? I think I am as ready as I can be. Also, it is my money. They have to give it to me.
Between my last post and now a very annoying thing just happened. I (along with two other colleagues) got a text from the colleague I struggle the most with. The text was saying she wants to talk about the schedule she has drafted.
I am noticing that just seeing her name triggered me. My heart is beating so fast. I notice I want to run. I am doing a training on Zoom so can't physically move much as I don't want to miss the content.
This text is unwelcome because it is from her. But also, it is June. We have like 5 more weeks of break. I resent getting this message.
I texted back that it is too early. She responded back not accepting that boundary. I repeated that it is too early. She finally just accepted the boundary kind of. I know her well enough to know her response is pissy and that she will probably "tell" on me. She uses nice words but the intention behind them is not nice.
This was my first test. I stood up for myself with her. It will be harder in person but the ice is broken.
Still feeling triggered by my coworker texting like that and not really accepting my boundary. I sent her a follow up email to say that I would prefer if she sent that type of communication to my work email. In the email I started defending myself and decided to not do that. I told her I would let her know when I've worked on a schedule of my student support.
I think she is really stressed out and trying to pull other people into that stress. Her particular stress (which is that an open position that supports her job hasn't been filled) is not my responsibility. I am sorry and know that she has a hard job. But so does everyone else.
I'm trying to understand what exactly is triggering me. In all honesty I don't feel myself going back in time like I have in the past (such as her behavior sending me into an emotional flashback). I am specifically triggered by her and her inconsiderate and hurtful behavior. That is interesting to me. I am in a better place I think to stand up to her.
Another part of this is we have a mutual colleague that in the past has been good friends with this person. She was on the text too because she is on our team. I have this dynamic with this colleague where I share all my stress. This colleague is a good listener, but also I know she gets all the drama from the other person too. I don't really trust her, but it is also hard for me to not talk to people that are willing to listen to me.
I am holding back though. I wanted to send this "friend" a text to be like "What was that all about? Was my message ok?" But I want to change that. I don't feel better after talking to her. Sometimes she unintentionally tells me things the other person has said and it just ends up hurting me.
I would like to relax but don't feel that way now. Maybe I will journal and see if that helps.
Emailing your coworker and telling her that it was too early and also that you prefer that she send those types of communications to your work email, were excellent and appropriate boundaries. No need to defend yourself. I can see where all that would be distressing. You did great.
I agree with notalone, that's a perfectly normal and healthy boundary to set work coworkers. Sounds like you did quite well at it. :)
Your boundaries and decisions about what to share and not share were phenomenal with both your coworker and friend/coworker.
Thank you for the validation Notalone, Cactus, and Armadillo.
The colleague/"friend" I resisted reaching out to actually reached out to me. Initially I kept it light, but we eventually went to the place we always end up in where she gets me wound up. All of this right before bed. Our interaction was a little different than usual. I do value her as a colleague and I enjoy working with her. She also sometimes can offer useful suggestions - she's been encouraging me to stand up for myself for a long time. But there is just this underlying thing that leaves me uneasy - if she is willing to talk about others behind their back, I must be the topic sometimes too. This will be an ongoing exploration of how to balance with her.
I feel off this morning. My body is sore. My mind is going over and over yesterday. I feel unsettled. My cat is eating and drinking as normal, but hasn't been doing her usual things. She used to always come down and sleep on me in the night. She hasn't done that in a while. I feel like I need to prepare myself for difficult news at her next vet visit, namely that she may have some type of immune issue. I think I am also not looking forward to a trip my husband and I are taking this weekend. I like the town we are going to, but we are staying at a place I don't understand why he likes so much. Well, I think he likes to stay at "cheap" places. He has also been somewhat distant and somewhat unkind with me this week.
It's like as hard as I try to face and address and be with what I am experiencing, I also get overwhelmed. I do have a massage scheduled today. I also need to run for my training plan. Perhaps those things will help. I keep coming back to how much I desire connection. Failed attempts at connection as I was growing up have been coming up for me this week. I also have really stood up for myself a lot in the past week alone. I am waiting for the consequences of that - I hope the outcomes will be good, but I am realistic and know that some things will be difficult.
I had another thought I had wanted to write but it is gone.
You're working super hard right now on some really difficult things, Rainy. Changing longterm dynamics with people like your coworker, setting boundaries...those things are super exhausting. Be real kind and gentle with yourself, ok? I find those types of big changes when they are related to some of the past traumas can have their own repercussions.
I wish it were easier for you to connect with your husband. I'm sorry he has been being a bit unkind this week. You deserve to feel connected to your spouse and cared for.
Thanks Armadillo. It is tricky how even positive change is still change and can bring difficultly.
As I was running this morning, I noticed grief.
I am grieving for my cat. I grieve her previous self that didn't have kidney disease. I am already grieving a time where she isn't in my life anymore. I am so worried she has an immune issue as she hasn't been her usual self. I realized I feel responsible. Even though I do not have the power to cause kidney disease and immune issues, I feel like I have done something that has led to this. I feel self conscious for grieving something that hasn't happened.
And yet, I realize how present loss has been in my life. I'm not sure I have always grieved my losses because of trauma and unsupportive relationships.
I think I am also grieving myself. I am grieving the person I tried to be to make other people feel good. I grieve all the opportunities I might have missed along the way because I was just trying to survive. I am grieving all the changes in my life that have happened and have yet to happen.
I have a massage later today and I hope that will help me feel more comfortable in my body.
I finally decided to take my cat back to the vet as her paw continues to look bad. Her regular vet didn't have any immediate openings so I took her to the animal ER. I didn't want to do that but they are the only place that doesn't require appointments. I was advised that there will be a 2 hour wait for her to be seen and they suggested I leave her there. I hate leaving her like that. I feel so ill. But, we need to get to the bottom of what is going on with her paw (even if I don't like the answer).
I am supposed to have lunch with a friend from college today. I think I am going to have to cancel and reschedule as I don't think I would enjoy the visit as my mind will be distracted by my cat.
Some of why I've been holding off on taking her to the vet is that my husband and I are supposed to go out of town this weekend. I'm not sure what the vet will recommend and I had planned to go either way on Monday when we got back.
My holding back is that my husband gets really sensitive about our plans having to change because of the cat. His family didn't have pets growing up and he tends to struggle with giving up his own stuff for the sake of her. He learned this from his parents who have no consideration for the needs of others (including their own children). During this time of her illness, he has been more understanding and prioritizing of her, but he made a comment last night about how we're probably going to have to cancel our trip. It hurts me when he says stuff like that. This isn't intentionally done. I can't help that she is sick right now. Also, it is possible that with some medication she will be fine enough for us to leave town as she has a pet sitter that comes to check on her.
I have never wanted children of my own, but this is the kind of stuff that makes me glad we don't have children. My parents and his put so much pressure on me about children and I have always stood my ground. I knew that if we did have a child, I would be the one taking care of it and I didn't want that life for myself. I don't have any regrets about that, I'm just sick of people pushing me about children.
I hope to hear from the vet soon.
I hope your kitty will be okay. It's so hard when someone innocent that we love isn't well, even if they're a fur kid. and 2 hours at he animal ER? Wow, that's busy. I hope they can get to her quickly. :hugs:
Thank you CactusFlower. She is home now and not doing too badly. She has another cone and another round of antibiotics. The cone I was given today is clear which seems to be helping some. I think the last cone terrified her because she couldn't see. She is still being annoying about the cone. I bought some things I could put over her foot in case she continues to refuse to eat and drink. I didn't ask about this as a plan, but I don't think they understand the level of angst she has with the collar on.
I overheard my husband make a comment about our weekend to a coworker. I wasn't meant to hear it. He is entitled to disappointment that we will likely stay home now. Part of me wonders if I have sabotaged our weekend by waiting until today to get my cat checked out.
I realized I should have asked the vet what to do if my cat won't eat/drink with the cone on. I called and left a message.
My husband and I also talked. He is free to go on the trip if he feels that strongly about going. I told him he is welcome to go. We'll see what he decides.
I ended up rescheduling with my friend. She was very understanding of that. It's always a shock to my system when someone responds reasonably to a need I express.
RainyDiary, I'm sorry your kitty is struggling. You didn't do anything wrong. You do an excellent job of taking care of her.
I would like to stand along side of you in your grief. :hug:
I appreciate your words and support Notalone. :hug:
I am drained. I have exerted so much effort worrying about my cat today. I took her collar off for now and plan to put it back on before bed so she doesn't lick her paw.
I hope to relax some this evening.
This all sounds very challenging,
Rainydiary!
I am very impressed by the fact that you are continue to learn and grow despite it all, like how you realized it would be good to ask about the cat's eating/drinking, so you called. It is great how much you care for your cat, I am very happy to see that. I wish there was more of it in the world. I think you are very well in tune with your cat's needs, both physically and emotionally. That is wonderful! I'm sure it has made her struggles much easier.
One thing in particular which stood out to me is this:
Quote from: rainydiaryI was advised that there will be a 2 hour wait for her to be seen and they suggested I leave her there. I hate leaving her like that. I feel so ill.
I find that just because someone advises/suggests something, doesn't mean I need to follow it. If something upsets me so much that I feel ill, I will find another solution. In this case, perhaps I would have stayed with the cat, or brought it back closer to the end of the 2 hours. There are often long wait times here in Canada for medical appointments, so I frequently leave the office. I be sure to make the secretary aware of this, confirm the estimated wait time, be back before then, and ask them to call me on my cell if they are ready for me earlier than expected.
I realize this sort of thing is difficult to do, and not everyone will be open and respond positively to it. However, my health is important to me, as is yours and your cat's. If it works well for you, I hope you find a way to deal with situations like this which results in less of a negative impact (e.g. feeling ill). It may take some time and practice, but I see a lot of improvement in your life. I'm sure you will continue to do what is best for yourself. :)
All the best to you,
Rainydiary<3 Jazzy
:hug:
I'm sorry your kitty feels unwell, I'm sorry that your husband acts resentful. I'm proud of you for standing your ground about children. I can't believe people push others about this. Grrr.
Jazzy, I appreciate the guidance of doing what seems right for me in my situation even if it is for my cat. :hug:
Armadillo, I appreciate the support. I work with children and see so many different situations and experiences. I do not understand the pressure put on women to have children. I am judged a lot for it not only by my family but people at work. I try to not let it get to me because this feels right for me, but it is difficult some days.
I didn't get a night of unbroken sleep. I put my cat's cone back on her and right after I fell asleep I heard her using her litter box. I thought it was good that she did that with the collar. She had actually found a way out of the collar as I hadn't gotten it on well enough. So I put it back on her for the night.
This morning I found that the collar had stayed. I took the collar off so she would eat, drink, use the litter box. I managed to administer her medicine. This antibiotic seems to go down a bit easier for her - she is just not happy with me forcing all these things on her.
I need to run later and am debating if I will put the collar back on while I am gone. Probably because she keeps trying to hide to lick her paw which I can disrupt when I am here.
She's supposed to wear the collar for 2 weeks. I'm not sure I can handle it as none of us get enough sleep like this.
It was also way too warm for me last night and today I feel very warm in my body. This tends to happen at times and is somewhat normal for me. It could also be related to my age and stage of reproductive health. If I can get going soon for my run it is cooler outside and that should help me feel better.
Today is turning into an interesting time.
My cat and I are finding a balance between her wearing the collar and not. She won't sleep with it on and I am finding that as long as she is sleeping or in my line of sight as she eats or drinks or cares for herself, we are good. If she is going to be awake for long or if I need to do something where I can't watch her, the collar has to go on as her instinct is to lick her paw. It is starting to look better already with the medication.
My husband decided to go on the trip we had planned on his own. This is a new phase of our relationship. We have been co-dependent for so long. I hope he enjoys himself. I am sorry to miss out, but my cat needs my help. I am also honestly glad for some time to myself. I am a solitary being and benefit from some downtime on my own which I haven't had since the pandemic. It will be interesting to see how this impacts our relationship.
I thought I had adequately cleaned my mattress the night my cat peed on it. The smell is lingering. I've been on the fence for a while about buying a new mattress and this is pushing me to buy. So I am going to make that purchase shortly.
I'm glad that your cat's paw seems to be healing. It sounds like you've found a good balance with using the cone collar.
Enjoy your time alone.
:hug:
I'm glad you and your cat found a balance and hope the weekend apart from H is helpful and rejuvenating to you both.
I appreciate the support Notalone and Armadillo.
Today is going ok so far. I am feeling a little run down. I think my cat is in pain today. Healing does hurt unfortunately.
My inner critic is giving me a tough time today. I am feeling badly that I didn't help my cat heal properly the first time and now we are prolonging this experience. I am thinking about the past several weeks and wondering if I am making the right choices for myself.
The afternoon is generally my worst part of the day. I will try to be easy on myself the next several hours.
Just checking in to say that i'm reading, and I'm here (even though I don't have much to say).
Good on you for going easy on yourself. Things are easier to work through when you come from a place of (self)compassion.
Take care :)
Sending compassion, rainydiary. My inner critic has often been pretty hard on me for not being something 'enough' for my pets. But as with me, I'm sure you have been looking after your cat as much and as well as you can with cptsd and everything else. :hug: :hug:
Alter-Eg0, I appreciate you reading and checking in. :hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate the solidarity. :hug:
Highs of the day:
I was able to relax for a long period of time while my cat slept.
I made a dinner I haven't made in a while that I know my husband wouldn't have liked.
I learned about Ayurveda and am exploring diet changes along with what I am learning to see what impact they might have.
I worked on my current cross stitch project and watched a show I enjoy.
I completed a yoga sequence.
Lows for the day:
My cat is extra tired from the medication she is taking.
I dread giving my cat her medicine.
My husband checked in a bit today but otherwise did not communicate with me or ask how I am or how the cat is.
I didn't push communication on my husband but also feel hurt that he didn't reach out more.
—————————
I think overall today was good. I am feeling a bit confused about communication. I get upset when my husband (and others) communicates so little with me. I wonder what it says about my communication. I find that in certain groups or with certain individuals, I can communicate really well. I wonder if it would help me to identify features of the times it goes well.
The hardest for me today is my husband not asking about me or our cat. It's not especially surprising, but it made me feel bad. I asked about his day and I got nothing in return. We've just been really out of sync lately and I made a decision to give him his space this weekend. Sometimes his lack of curiosity in things I do or care about really snags. I hope to find a way to talk to him about this.
I hope to get to sleep soon. My cat is in her collar for the night. She didn't eat much today as I think the medication is taking a toll. I hope she will eat more in the morning.
Today I am noticing something that comes up from time to time (or all the time really). Nothing in particular is wrong, but I feel this deep shame that can't be explained by my current circumstances.
I know it is my wound(s). It's frustrating because it is so deep. I read recently how the cells in our body are constantly changing. My body isn't completely the same as it was yesterday or perhaps even a few hours ago. The trick is that our brain cells don't change like that. Although neuroplasicity is a thing, it takes so much work.
I'm getting lost in some sadness right now.
My husband is back and it would seem the weekend maybe wasn't so great for him. I am still taking his words as implicit criticism. He didn't ask about my weekend or how the cat is doing.
I notice a shift in myself as he is back. This isn't specific to him, but when I am around other people I still do all I can to be pleasing to them even if I don't realize I am doing it. When he is here, I often don't make plans and keep my options open to go with whatever whim he has. I don't act the same as I do when I am on my. Perhaps no one does, but I find this so exhausting.
Not only now am I the carer of my cat but also my husband. I think I am still taking responsibility for things that are only in his control. It's hard on me because he is experiencing a great deal of stress and he isn't satisfied in his life. In many ways I feel responsible for that. I have identified things I do that aren't helpful for either of us. But, sometimes I feel like we just hold each other back.
I feel extremely guilty talking about husband here. He certainly isn't perfect and has also been a big part of what has helped me come to my healing journey. He brings his own baggage which is what I am constantly impacted by and not always sure how to deal with.
I did a meditation today and the guide reminded me that self-compassion is there as a comfort when we constantly fall short of the perfection we think we need to achieve. That is something helpful but so challenging for me to hear.
I tried to talk to my husband. I think I ended up doing it badly. The need I realize I have is that I would like to be asked how I am. I sort of said that and then because I was bottling up, I said a bunch of other stuff too.
I have a meeting for the yoga training I am doing tonight and am so worn down. I am learning a lot in the training but it isn't really bringing the connection I had hoped for.
Tonight in our training we talked about the word reciprocity.
I find that I notice a lack of reciprocity in my life. I wasn't taught how to develop situations that are mutually beneficial only that I didn't deserve anything because I am deeply flawed.
What struck me in the conversation is a comment that someone made that we don't get to decide what others need. That is a complicated idea when it applies to large groups and institutions. But it resonates with me. It is also a reminder for me.
Because I am so hard on myself, I am hard on others. I also tend to find myself in situations where I get stuck. I hope that I get better at identifying and expressing my needs, I will learn how to create mutually beneficial relationships as much as possible. The important part is for the individuals involved to say as much as they can about what would be beneficial.
Just sending you a :hug: as you navigate this difficult time in your relationship.
Everything you said about reciprocity in relationships is spot on, I think. Like you said, it's hard to ask for what you need, when you were told repeatedly that you didn't deserve anything. Then you become so reliant on those closest to you, but they are often not willing or able to give you what you want or need. Certainly, that's where I ended up.
I hope that things start to resolve for you, as you see more clearly what you both need and deserve. You are clearly a kind and deserving person.
I appreciate the support Armadillo & Libby. I appreciate the nourishing words you offered.
I am reading a book called Perfect Health by Deepak Chopra for my training.
Today in the chapter I read, these two quotes really stood out to me:
"Fatigue is the shadow of old stresses that build up in the nervous system."
"There is more self-control in letting go than in trying to control one's body by force."
It's difficult to put into words why these quotes stood out. I felt them deep in my body. I feel how much I hold on to and how tired I am from things that have happened. I am slowly releasing old things, but feel how much is still there.
Quote from: rainydiary on July 06, 2021, 02:52:44 AM
Because I am so hard on myself, I am hard on others. I also tend to find myself in situations where I get stuck.
This really resonates with me. Since you have mentioned that kind of thing a few times in my Journal recently, I thought I'd tell you too.
I'm really sorry that you were taught that you were deeply flawed and non-deserving. It was pretty much that way for me too, actually. I wish I could feel anger for both of us, but I can't atm. Of course you deserve mutually beneficial situations and you are not flawed!
Thanks for sharing these quotes, Rainy.
The one about fatigue resonates much with me, too.
I hope you have a better day today with more connection. :hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate you checking in to say that. I also appreciate your kindness with faulty messaging I received growing up. :hug:
Armadillo, I am glad I shared the quotes and that some make sense in your experience too.
Wednesdays are an odd day for me. Since I've lived in my current state, Wednesdays have been the hardest in my jobs. They have been the days where I've had the most difficult conversations and felt the most out of control. It's weird to feel this on a break from work. I wonder how I can adjust my feelings toward Wednesdays.
My cat is doing a lot better. I have to acknowledge that she didn't completely heal her paw the first time we went to the emergency vet in part because of the way I provided her home care. I was so stressed she wasn't eating or drinking, I lost sight of the long term. I was also really triggered by the vet making an off hand comment that her issue could be autoimmune and I think I had essentially convinced myself she was actively dying. Her paw is still healing and we are both sick of her cone/collar and of taking the antibiotic, but we will persist.
My day is just starting. I am noticing I am very tired.
Taking care of my cat has been really instructive for me. It is giving me perspective on things I haven't really had. But it is exhausting.
I am also tired from all the running I've been doing. It is so much time and effort.
I have been learning a lot too which takes a toll on me. I process things very deeply and it is exhausting.
It's interesting to me that I do things others would tell me to do to take care of myself (exercise, get sleep, eat well) but living with CPTSD and the way my brain and body were made to work makes that challenging a lot of the time.
I'm sorry you are very tired at the start of your day. That is so difficult. Are you able to rest again? I find that quite helpful.
I appreciate your wisdom here, Rainydiary. You make many good points, especially about how you do what others tell you. That is how we have conditioned to behave, is it not?
However we know ourselves best, not anyone else. I'm glad you are listening to your mind and body, and learning how important this is. I hope you take action, or non-action when appropriate, based on your insight. I'm sure that doing what is best for yourself will have tremendously positive results. :hug:
<3 Niko
I appreciate the support Jazzy. :hug:
I am feeling really vulnerable and worn down today which I don't think is only about sleep.
I am noticing that times I need specific examples of good things to hold on to.
Pete Walker has a chart in the back of his book that I haven't been able to fill out before.
I will try it now.
I wish you were feeling as energetic as you'd like Rainy. I appreciate you saying that even though you have a healthy lifestyle the CPTSD still is there affecting you. The "you just need to...." is exhausting. I hope you can take a few hours to embrace the low energy.
Armadillo, I appreciate the words of support.
I've noticed a couple of things at play today.
One is I am processing my work drama on a different level than before. I think that as the first day of a new school year approaches, I am noticing how upset I still am at the two women who spoke to me so disrespectfully on my last day in May. I imagine myself saying mean things to them so that they feel as bad as I feel. That wouldn't actually help anything, but I don't know how to imagine a more productive way forward.
Despite how good I felt advocating for myself a few weeks ago, I now see that some of the comments made during that meeting (namely that I need to assume "positive intent" on the part of my coworkers) makes me upset too. This is especially challenging because the people saying that crap are my bosses and giving feedback to a boss is way different than to a colleague.
I also fear retaliation by my colleagues, especially the one who felt the need to text me during our break to freak out about something I cannot possibly work on right now. It's eating at me that people I spend most of my days with from August to May go behind my back and paint this picture of me that does not at all represent me.
And I fear that I won't be able to handle it. I have so many ideas and a plan for how I will approach my work this year. I also know that in the moment and situations when I am doing all I can to hold it together emotionally, I struggle.
I am moving into uncharted territory for me. And out of fear I'm clinging onto things that have happened as a way to cope.
I am just extremely tired today. On many levels.
Rainydiary :hug:
I'm sorry you are struggling, afraid, and exhausted. These things are so incredibly difficult.
I am very impressed by how you have listened to yourself and expressed your needs here:
Quote from: RainydiaryI am noticing that times I need specific examples of good things to hold on to.
You sharing this empowers me to be a better support, so thank you very much. We both benefit from this!
I also see this as a strong example of how much you've improved recently. In the not so distant past I certainly would not want anything I said to be pointed out specifically, even if it was good. That was too scary for me. It is great that you have overcome that fear.
Quote from: RainydiaryOne is I am processing my work drama on a different level than before
Growth! Excellent! Good job working through things and seeing these positive results in your life. :thumbup:
Quote from: RainydiaryI am noticing how upset I still am at the two women who spoke to me so disrespectfully on my last day in May.
While being upset takes it's toll, it is good that you no longer easily accept being disrespected!
Quote from: RainydiaryI imagine myself saying mean things to them so that they feel as bad as I feel. That wouldn't actually help anything, but I don't know how to imagine a more productive way forward.
I understand; this is a perfectly natural feeling. Many people want to root for the underdog, and give the bullies a taste of their own medicine, and for good reason!
However we know how damaging that "medicine" is, and that as good as it may feel, it is not the best response. I have found a much better way, though it is also much more challenging. Confidently speaking the truth is inexplicably powerful and liberating.
Some people will not like it, which is even more difficult to deal with, but those people have not been through what you have been through, and they do not dictate what is best for your life.
While I would very much like to say mean things to those ladies on your behalf, I would tell them that their behaviour is disrespectful, rude, hurtful, and completely unprofessional.
They may get defensive and lash out. This only serves to prove the truth of my words for all to see. They cannot hurt me, as I recognize the toxicity of that behaviour and no longer tolerate it.
They also may realize how bad their behaviour is and apologize. I find that most people react much better to confident truth that is not mean than I previously expected.
Quote from: RainydiaryI now see that some of the comments made during that meeting (namely that I need to assume "positive intent" on the part of my coworkers) makes me upset too.
Clearly your boss has a poor understanding of what is going on with the employees under their care, and is more focused on avoiding conflict than a healthy and productive work place. I wonder if your colleagues are unprofessional because they are following your boss' example.
It is good that you recognize these things emotionally. This will help you be able to stand up for yourself, or at very least find a better situation.
Quote from: RainydiaryIt's eating at me that people I spend most of my days with from August to May go behind my back and paint this picture of me that does not at all represent me.
Yes, this is very upsetting. It is difficult for me to believe that fully grown adults are behaving this way at work. If I recall correctly, you work with children. I am very concerned over what those children are learning from these people.
QuoteAnd I fear that I won't be able to handle it. I have so many ideas and a plan for how I will approach my work this year. I also know that in the moment and situations when I am doing all I can to hold it together emotionally, I struggle.
It shows such incredible strength that despite your struggles, you have so many ideas and plans for the coming year. Clearly you are in a league of your own, far above that of the colleagues you speak of.
Quote from: RainydiaryI am moving into uncharted territory for me. And out of fear I'm clinging onto things that have happened as a way to cope.
Uncharted territory is scary and difficult. It is dangerous, but it also has tremendous potential for good. Clinging to old coping mechanisms is a very natural thing to do. Yet those things can hold us back. I find that by moving forward at a tolerable pace, no matter how slow it may feel, allows me to test out those waters without needing so many of the old mechanisms.
Quote from: RainydiaryI am just extremely tired today. On many levels.
I am sorry you are so tired. I have no doubt of this. With how toxic your work environment is and the time approaching where you are expected to go back, I expect you are far more than tired.
Your words say that your body is telling you need rest and peace, healing instead of toxicity. I hope you find a way to do best by yourself. You alone have the power to make that happen.
I truly hope you find peace and are feeling better soon. :hug:
<3 Niko
Quote from: RainydiaryThe trick is that our brain cells don't change like that. Although neuroplasicity is a thing, it takes so much work.
[TW: Medical]
This really stands out to me. I see it a bit differently. Trauma is an extremely deep wound made worse over many years. Imagine a deep cut that has been infected for years and unable to seal and heal properly.
Certainly that is not going to heal over night, but it heals extremely quickly when it is given what it needs. In my experience, carrying on with normal life with this kind of injury makes the healing process take so much longer.
E.g. Professional athletes with an injury do not continue playing. They receive prompt high quality medical attention, then rest, often in special oxygen chambers.
I understand that dedicating so much time and effort to healing is extremely challenging, especially when others have expectations of us, but the truth is that deep wounds need special care.
If you want your wounds to heal faster and better, then give them more time and attention. As you have stated, that means working through the challenge of taking care of yourself. Resting is one of the most difficult things I am doing right now. Surely many people will not understand that sentence, but I believe you and others with trauma do.
I also know that drastic changes are not always possible, and often not even good. I got to where I am one step at a time. Some of those steps were tiny, some of them were large. Prioritizing myself and doing what I can, when I can is key.
I hope you work out what is best for you. :)
<3 Niko
Niko, I appreciate your perspective on healing. I especially appreciate the wording of how different wounds require different care.
I slept better last night than I have been. What's been happening is I will either have just fallen asleep or be very close to falling asleep and something (lately it's been my cat protesting her cone) will wake me up. That disruption makes my sleep less good even if I sleep the rest of the night.
My cat and I still have another week of dealing with her cone and medication. Her paw is looking a lot better. I am wanting to ease up on her because it is exhausting me and she is putting up more of a fight. I reminded myself yesterday that I can either stay the course now or have more difficult issues to deal with later.
My husband's work is expanding their services to include clients outside of our country. We need to get our passports renewed (they expired last year during the pandemic) and apparently there is a huge processing time to get that done. He and I have been talking about the possibility of moving to another country if he had a job opportunity. I personally would be fine with it - I lived in other countries growing up (although it is a little different when you live on a military base). I do think this would be a HUGE shift. Given how enmeshed his family is, I can't see this actually happening. I am imagining his mom freaking out and finding that image funny. I guess we'll see how this plays out.
I am supposed to have lunch with my friend today. We rescheduled from last week. I am pretty nervous.
I'm glad you rested more peacefully last night. :)
I understand how these disruptions make such a difference. While you may not wake up throughout the rest of the night, I'm sure they still have an impact.
I hear you that you are concerned for your cat, as she is distressed. I wonder if there is another solution besides the cone? The cone fulfils and important role, and it is common because it is easier for most people. Easier is not always best though, and you are not most people.
I hope things go well with your husband and work.
It makes sense that you are nervous having lunch with your friend, considering how many people treat you. I hope this friend treats you better, and you are able to clearly see the truth of how they treat you. :)
What are your feelings and thoughts about my quotes and specific examples? I expect it is not easy to read all of that. Perhaps fewer quotes would be better, as manageable sized steps are so important.
RainyDiary
I cannot find the exact quote I am looking for, but there is something in your writing that feels discouraging, especially when you talk about how tired you are.
You have come so far in your healing journey, and improved so much! It has taken me a few moments to process this seeming contradiction. I find it is incredibly important to do so. When I find seeming contradictions like this, it is a strong indicator that I do not understand the situation fully.
After thinking about it further, I believe you are frustrated because you are not yet finished healing. I am so happy about this. It is easy to stop healing when things get a bit better. I have seen so many people limit themselves in this way. You are an amazing, loving person with so much potential. I hope you exceed even the possibilities I see in you, which I'm sure you will, so long as you don't give up on improving yourself.
Another important thing frustration tells me is that there is a better way. I do my best to offer pointers based on my own experience, but it is up to you to find that better way for yourself. You are doing such a great job, but I think we can all do a bit better, even when doing a bit better is doing a bit less. :)
<3 Niko
Rainydiary, I caught up on your journal today. I hear how tired you've been. Also, how difficult it has been to care for your cat. I suppose the fact that she is fighting the cone more is a sign that she is feeling better, but still hard for both of you.
Hope your lunch with your friend went well.
Hi rainy,
There's a lot to contemplate and the potential changes are huge. I believe you are holding up well and I especially liked this image and observation.
Quoteam imagining his mom freaking out and finding that image funny.
Glad you're able to see the humor. :yes: That shows a special kind of balance on your part,
Niko/Jazzy, Sometimes it isn't specific quotes that stand out to me but the overall impression I get from what you and others write. I appreciate you bringing up the topic of me expressing being tired. I think I often say I am tired as a default and may not really know either how I feel or how to describe it. I'll be watchful of this. I have an app where I track some health related information and I notice I say I am tired a lot. Today I thought, "If I am actually that tired, I must have something going on that needs to be addressed."
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Notalone, thank you for checking in. I would say my cat is feeling a lot better. She is running around more and being more playful. She is on the mend which is good. I find myself being a little more paranoid with her and questioning the appearance of all of her paws. I do this sometimes with my moles especially around the time of seeing the dermatologist. My brain wants to find things wrong when they are as they should be.
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BeeKeeper, I have found myself being able to be more of an observer with my in-laws and not getting caught in their dynamic like I used to. Being able to laugh at their behavior helps me cope. A lot of things still need to happen first before the possibility of a move is even on the table but I feel excited at the possibility.
———-
Today has been a good day. My cat mostly slept and I continue to find the balance with carrying out the vet orders and real life.
I enjoyed my lunch. I haven't seen this friend since we graduated college. It was nice to catch up. It woke up parts of my brain and memory I haven't accessed in a while.
My husband and I also did work to renew our passports. There is a backlog of applications so I imagine this will take a long time, but we sent in all the stuff we need to. As soon I placed it in the mailbox, I started to worry I didn't do something quite right. All these systems make normal human error a huge deal which is annoying.
I have a huge run to do tomorrow and hope to get some sleep soon.
I understand, thank you for your additional feedback; it is very helpful!
You make a very good point about being tired. I used to feel tired all day long, no matter how much I slept. While it sounded like "Chronic Fatigues Syndrome", something about that never sat right with me. Now I know that I was not tired, I was overwhelmed constantly, so my brain was doing a forced partial shutdown. Feeling tired was its way of trying to get me to find some peace, because I ignored everything it tried to tell me.
It's really great that you've had a similar insight about yourself, and are being watchful and tracking your information. That's a really great step forward on your healing journey!
I'm glad your day was better today, as was your cats. I expect you two are closely linked beyond a "normal" bond.
It's wonderful that you enjoyed lunch with your friend too. Those positive social experiences are so important and helpful. I'm really happy for you. :)
Good job on all of your accomplishments today, and your run tomorrow. That's a big thing while feeling so tired all of the time!
Peace and rest to you while you sleep tonight.
<3 Niko
Niko, since this post I have been trying to not immediately say I am tired, even to myself, especially when I first wake up. It's been interesting as I haven't "felt" tired. I think tired is often overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, sad, grieving, unsure, etc. I will continue exploring.
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Today I had this period of time where I think I just felt well. It was a strange place to be and I wasn't quite sure how to meet that or describe it. I'll be watchful for it coming back.
I don't remember when or how I did it, but I did tell my husband I wish he would ask me more questions. I've noticed that he has been doing it in a genuine way which has meant a lot. I've tried to make sure to ask questions back.
I think my cat is getting better slowly but surely. I have had some moments the past day or so where I've been afraid that there will be more care needed. Her paw does seem better, but I'm afraid the rest of it won't resolve before her medication is up. I get overwhelmed by what might happen as I don't know how to interpret what is happening now. I see her eating, drinking, using her litter box, and sleeping normally (except when she has the cone on, but we are working around that). Today she has been so much more playful and alert than she has for a while, so it seems like she is on the mend. I will be watchful and try to trust that her body is doing it's best.
I realized I haven't been eating enough on my runs especially the very long ones. Eating more has been really helpful for how I feel during and after. My feet are starting to be rather beat up. I have a number of blisters that are annoying. I'm doing my best to care for my feet.
I am enjoying a book I like to reread each year before sleeping. I look forward to a good week.
Wow, this is phenomenal!!!!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
As you said, specific examples are helpful, but the whole post is literally full of healing goodness!
I am especially impressed by your attitude of listening carefully to your body, learning that your previous belief was not fully accurate, then continuing to explore to find a more realistic understand of your reality.
That is true learning, which few people know how to do. :applause:
I'm also thrilled that you have asked for more input from your husband, and are reciprocating the helpful action. Asking for more questions... wow; there's a successful attitude!
Reading about your improvement tonight as lifted my spirits drastically. Thank you so much for sharing your progress. :hug:
I'm glad your cat has notably improved as well. She is very important too!
:grouphug:
I'm so happy you've had some time feeling well. (Despite long distance runner's feet). I find it's really helpful to have those days when I feel good, to know what feeling I'm striving for in healing. Like "ah yes THAT is how I want to feel."
That's really promising that your H is trying to ask questions and really good job eating a bit extra to fuel those long runs.
Niko & Armadillo, I appreciate the support and encouragement.
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The past several days something has been on my mind that I would like to explore.
I am beginning to acknowledge that I am neurodivergent. This feels heavy to me right now.
I think that my neurodivergence and trauma are linked. I am remembering my mother speaking about the way I presented as an infant. I am thinking about my innate preferences and sensory needs. I am thinking about the feelings I've always had of not really being on the same wavelength of others.
As my trauma healing is progressing, I am looking at what was underneath. I have been aware of my sensitivity and processing needs for some time. I've called those things something else because I didn't learn about neurodiversity until recently.
I think this is feeling heavy because I work with neurodivergent individuals and I watch the way they are treated. It is also the way I am treated and thus is traumatic in a different way from the trauma I experienced growing up.
Neurodivergent covers many things and I'm not sure I will need to become more specific for myself. I am already doing the things I need to do to create my own positive environment and learning how to express what I need to others. It's a lot to reframe how I think about myself.
I love the way you wanted this message RainyDiary. You're doing what's best for yourself, and that's what's best.
I'm not sure what Nuro divergent means but I imagine it is something similar to what I have experienced.
I've been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum, but there are no further details. Unfortunately I do not have nearly as much Empirical data about my brain as I would like.
Based on my experience it is my belief that my apparent ASD is due to the fact that my life has always been different than the lives of others, not some sort of genetic abnormality.
Whatever you are happy with about yourself, no matter what terms or details you have, is good by me. I hope you continue to do best for you, no matter what anyone else says.
Jazzy/Niko, Autism does fall under the term neurodivergent. I'm not sure I am Autistic however my brain does function differently than most people I know and has since I was a child.
^^^^^^
I am looking forward to tomorrow as I get a new mattress. The cat pee smell from when my cat peed on my bed hasn't gone away and it has been hard for me to sleep knowing I am sleeping on a pee stain. I am fortunate that we can get a new mattress. We've talked about it a lot and this finally pushed me to purchase. I hope the mattress I got works for us. It is one that comes in a box. It has good reviews yet sleep and our bodies and our experience of mattresses is so personal.
The new mattress sounds wonderful Rainy, I hope it's exactly what you need!
Sleep is very personal; also extremely important. I've been sleeping on a firmer mattress with no pillow recently. While it is less comfortable, is extremely supportive which is what my body needs. Even six hours is a very long time to hold the same posture. I'm very hopeful that it will be healing to me.
I hope the mattress helps you sleep better, and aids in your healing as well.
Thanks Jazzy/Niko. Still working on set up.
^^^^^^
I am out of sorts today. I didn't sleep well last night and have felt off all day. I think it is somewhat related to my place in my menstral cycle but still doesn't feel great. This post might just be a list of all the things bugging me today.
I think I am carrying around a lot of stuff. Caring for my cat has been draining. I continue to imagine telling off my colleagues but also just feel so hurt underneath. Memories continue to survive and I meet them when they do, but integrating them is exhausting.
Today is my MIL's birthday. I need to hide posts on social media from one of my husband's aunts. Seeing my in-laws on social media is super triggering. I was struck by how unhappy my MIL looked in a photo I saw. She isn't a happy person but now that I've healed some, I see that more than when I let her have power over me. I was also deeply annoyed to see a photo of my SIL still feeding her 3 year old like a baby. At this point I need for them to be as much out of sight out of mind as I can get.
I'm having a lot of food cravings today. I think all of my exercise is part of it...but also food is a way I cope with not feeling well.
Our mattress has arrived but it is too heavy for me to manage on my own. I also need to clear out the old mattress and bed frame. I need my husband's help and need to wait until he is done with work. I am really discomposed by my bedroom being a huge mess. The physical labor I spent this morning getting the room read might have triggered deep down how it feels to move and be in transition.
My feet have tons of blisters from running so much. I am finding this so uncomfortable. I am trying to manage the blisters. Not running would help. Today I really struggled with my training run and began to question if I can do the run I signed up in September. I've been training for over 3 months and am getting worn out.
I also feel triggered by my yoga teacher training. We have these cohort meetings on Zoom on Mondays. The vibe from the beginning has been that you attend as you are able and they said they understand if you aren't able to. Last night we got a talking to about attendance. The whole vibe of the meeting changed after that. For me I felt in trouble (even though I have attended every meeting) which is a trauma response for me. I think that if they actually wanted people to attend, they should have said that at the beginning. Plus the people that heard this message are the ones that actually attend regularly.
*sigh* So many things. I plan to try to take it one step at a time for the rest of the day.
Hi Rainy Diary,
Sorry that you didn't sleep well last night, and that you feel out of sorts today - menstrual stuff can impact in a big way. I haven't been around so much in recent weeks, but I did read about your cat, you've had such a lot on with caring for your cat. Like you said, it's draining.
I also get food cravings, and I don't think menstrual stuff helps with that either.
I hope your feet recover - and that the blisters don't hurt too much. You're doing a lot of training for your run in September - good luck with whatever you decide to do - cheering you on with it, if you decide you're going ahead, but similarly if you're resting and recuperating your feet, that's good too!
I think you're brave to do Zoom meetings. I've been on Zoom, but never show my face on them. I am too shy. Your group sounds a bit scary to me.
Your plan to try to take it one step at a time for the rest of the day, that sounds like a really sensible plan. I hope it goes ok.
Most of all, wishing you the best, and sending you a hug of support, if that's helpful :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate you reading and offering your support. :hug:
.............
Today has been up and down. I felt a little better than yesterday but more moments of conflict with my husband.
Tomorrow I will be attending a conference for an area I am interested in specializing in. I'm worried that the conference will be heavy on socializing and I don't really have it in me. My cat has also two more days of her treatment. I know that my husband won't be able to be around her as much as I am and that bugs me.
I haven't been able to find stillness and care for myself much of late. I hope I can speak kindly to myself the rest of today. I also think that I am still learning new ways of being. My old ways of "relaxing" were really dissociation and avoiding.
My feet haven't felt great today. I am trying to figure out how to handle running the next few days. I might do shorter distances to at least be running but giving myself a break. I think the big difference has been that I've been running on pavement more. I have been avoiding the trails I used to run because lots of people walk with unleashed dogs and it both scares and annoys me to be chased by unfamiliar dogs and then to be gaslit by the owner.
Rainydiary, I feel you are hurting right now. :hug: I'm so sorry.
I am encouraged to see you are continuing to push yourself forward in your career, whilst dealing with everything else. Socializing is an extremely challenging topic. I find it more so due to how differently my brain works than others, I wonder if this is true for you as well.
I'm relieved to hear your cat only has 2 days of treatment left! You two are so close to the end of this challenging journey! :cheer:
I see much wisdom in your writing here, as usual. Keep being you! :thumbup:
Jazzy, I really appreciate you reading and offering up your support. Socializing has never been easy for me. There are social situations where I feel more able to communicate, but with strangers in an unfamiliar place definitely not. I don't learn through talking to others but having time to think and be with the information. I'll do my best to care for myself and leave when I feel I need to. I appreciate spoon theory and have come to find ways to conserve my energy. I think some of the reason the past few days have been hard is I overloaded them with tasks I usually do on the days I will be attending the conference so that I wouldn't have to worry about them those days. But it was overwhelming in addition to caring for my cat, dealing with receiving a new mattress, and getting rid of the old mattress plus doing my daily things.
.............
My feelings and comfort are really up and down of late.
Last night I had a really intense dream mostly about work. In the dream, I spoke to a colleague that I often go to in times of difficulty about what happened and I think he kind of validated me in my dream. I say kind of because I'm not sure in real life that I trust him in the way I have before. Even though he seems supportive of me, he is still more part of the group than I am. He saw me crying on my last day of work and didn't ask what was going on. He also hasn't reached out at all. I'm sure the colleagues that ganged up on me told him their side of the story only.
I think the start of work is weighing on me. I still notice feeling pressure and tension to be pleasing to certain colleagues. I hope to find ways to keep reframing from blaming myself to seeing what I am doing as a gift that comes from a unique vantage point. I know that I make a difference for the students I work with. I wish I had better interactions with my colleagues, but that often isn't about me and I am tired of feeling responsible for their unkind and thoughtless behavior.
I can see how I am getting ahead of myself both in the approach of work and what might come this year. I think that when my husband mentioned how his company is doing more overseas work, I assumed it was a given we would move. As excited as I would be to do that, it also makes me queasy. I moved a ton growing up and am not sure I have resolved the trauma of that. So something small, like us moving a mattress outside and the ensuing conflict that brings up because even moving a piece of furniture from room to room is hard, sets me off.
My husband and I also have trauma of our related to moves we have made. I haven't forgotten the way he acted and responded during some of our moves and how his parents swooped in to rescue. I think that if we are actually going to move overseas we are going to have to have some very honest conversations and not gloss over the difficulties like we have in the past.
But, this isn't something I have to deal with right now. I get ahead of myself as a way to prepare for what is coming...but dealing with imaginary situations isn't helping.
:hug:
I have carefully read every word, but I have no better advice to offer. You're doing exceptionally well! :)
:hug: :hug: to you rainydiary
:thumbup: on planning to have some honest conversations with your H if you both do indeed move overseas. Good on you for thinking in advance of ways to make the situation easier for yourself. I know you don't have to actually deal with it now, but maybe it calms down some anxiety (even unconscious anxiety) you have about the situation of H's parents swooping in? I think it reflects a stronger you. You have been taking steps recently to protect yourself in other situations e.g. at work.
I'm sorry you're feeling queasy. I hope that lessens, and yes, maybe you won't have to move and/or you will decide you don't want to. End of story. :hug:
Agreeing with Blueberry here, I hope you feel better about it and kudos to you for being prepared to have those conversations. That's a big decision to make and undertake, so small steps will get you there if that's the plan. Fingers crossed for whatever is the best outcome for you!
Hi Rainy, there is one point I feel very important to make.
I do not expect you to have the level of success you desire in social situations right now. Connecting with others in person is mentally exhausting, especially as a neurodivergent individual.
(Is neurodivergent the correct word? My spell check says no but my memory says that’s the word you’ve used previously.)
Right now your mind is busy with higher priority tasks; the foremost being living through trauma.
Once that either becomes easier for you, or hopefully you overcome your trauma completely, I am confident that you will be able to master social situations with a bit of dedication.
Jazzy, I appreciate you reading. I often read folks' journals and want to say something but am not always sure what.
.......
Wow, I am drained. I enjoyed the first half day of the conference but it was exhausting. I think I will learn a lot. I do resent their attitude of forcing people to speak and participate outwardly. That doesn't work for everyone and I am surprised that an organization that wants to provide support to people who need understanding and patience aren't more responsive to different ways of participation. If given the opportunity to provide feedback I may say that but we'll see how the rest of the days go.
I didn't stay for the dinner or evening activities and I'm sure someone will make a comment to me tomorrow. I don't care though - I needed to leave to take care of myself.
I have decided to stop putting the collar on my cat. Tomorrow is the last day anyhow and her paw is so much better. Based on today with less collar time, I don't notice her paw looking more agitated. My fingers are crossed that we finally resolved whatever was making her paw sick.
I have a headache and I hope it eases some. Sleep will help.
Yikes, I realized I didn't read the newer posts from Blueberry, Sage and Jazzy. I wanted to comment on those too - sometimes I click on the last thing I wrote and that doesn't necessarily bring me to the newest place.
.....
Blueberry, I appreciate your validation. My anxiety is born of the past and not wanting the past to repeat itself. I think my H has grown too and would possibly act and react in different ways than before. I hope we will both face whatever is coming together.
.....
Sage, I appreciate your words and validation. I think the difference for us now (or at least I hope) is that we will be active participants instead of just letting things happen and getting swept away.
.....
Jazzy, I appreciate your thoughts on social situations. My device doesn't like the word neurodivergent either. Right now that word is the best to capture my experience. I notice I have developed a lot of ways of managing my differences in sensory and processing as I've been working on healing my trauma. I think it is because I have come so far in healing, that I can see my neurology in a different way than before and honor it better.
:thumbup: :)
So just a few more words:
I asked you about the word neurodivergent because I trust you know yourself better than my autocorrect.
I also looked it up, but again, you speaking the truth of your reality is more accurate than any dictionary or medical text.
I'm so glad you have learned that, this message is more to others about how important the fact that we know our own bodies best is, though I hope you find encouragement in my agreement with you as well.
As for the emotional part; I'm sorry I missed that earlier. I can't imagine how drained you are. I couldn't do that conference right now; I continue to be impressed with the amount of stress you take on, yet also hope you reduce it temporarily for your own sake.
Sleep sounds great! I'm glad you're getting good rest these days. I guess the new mattress is good eh? Personally I want a bath. I wish I had a tub. 🙂
All the best tomorrow and the rest of the conference.
Oh man this day has been overwhelming.
I'm worried my cat's paw is still not healing as expected. We are done with her medication. I plan to keep her from licking it for a bit and see if it helps. I scheduled a time with her regular vet.
I could be overreacting to her paw because I had a difficult day. I had some good conversations at the conference but also feel like some conversations overall could be better had. I think the conference overlooks some very real things and those things seem hurtful to me.
I am finding myself wanting to reflect more on my day and what exactly happened. I am seeing that I am being rather hard on myself right now. I tried reading the self-gratitude 12x12 I made. It helped a bit.
Today I had successes and challenges. My challenges:
The conference wasn't run very timely - I am a timely person and it bugs me when others aren't. It bugs me because I tend to be very routined and plan my energy needs based on a schedule. And yet, does a schedule ultimately matter?
A presenter discussed trauma and I found the entire presentation and the discussion from participants to be triggering. I was remembering the moment in a training where I began crying uncontrollably when the group was talking about happy memories from their childhood and when it was my turn, I burst into tears (this was before I acknowledged my trauma). It was terrible and I think that the presenter took this attitude of being a know it all and there were some folks in the group that were so insistent on their view that I found it abrasive.
Most of today was spent in me listening and observing parents. Hearing them talk was triggering. I am still really sensitive about parents. I think the conference is trying to empower parents but was also disparaging the profession I am in. Maybe they don't think that is what they were doing but that is how it felt at times.
During one particular group, I heard parents ask this person with a disability a lot of questions and then invalidate the person's feelings when their own feelings came up. After the group, I approached the person and asked him if he was ok with how that group went. I tried to express my viewpoint that the questions the parents asked were such that they were trying to make him representative of all people with that disability and I worried that the parents processing their feelings using this person's emotional labor was not right. This person didn't have that perspective so then I felt foolish for saying anything to him. I worried that I caused harm by approaching him.
The positives
I made a conference friend whose experience as a person of color I was worried was not being taken into account. I opened a conversation with her about my observations and she opened up a bit to me. She shared an instance of a microaggression and we were able to process some of the conference together.
A somewhat less positive is that I didn't see her before I left and I'm not sure I am going to go the last day tomorrow. I worry that I was too awkward with her when really she doesn't owe me anything and deserves her space to be. It has been too overwhelming and not in a positive way to be at that conference.
I wasn't expecting being there to trigger me so much. I don't think I understood before going how much parent interaction I would have and that is still a very sensitive dynamic for me.
I am trying to find compassion. We are all human and we do things imperfectly. Even though the parents rubbed me the wrong way, they were there trying to find ways to help their kids. Maybe that also hurt me in a way I didn't acknowledge - my parents never showed any outward signs of trying to not be abusive or learn new ways to be more attuned to me and my siblings. Hearing some of the parents also openly talk about their love for their children also made me sore in my heart.
Wow, I don't think I was checking with myself during the past two days. I continue to learn but also to feel so hurt when I speak. I'm sure most of the people I spoke to or in a group with aren't thinking about me at all. I am trying to use my voice and hate feeling like I messed it up. It's more I hate feeling misheard or invalidated by people that act like they have it all figured out.
Hi Rainy Diary,
You've been doing such a lot, and also doing a lot of heavy processing kind of stuff. I think any one of those things would take a lot out of a person, so having all of them, it would be many challenges. I just wanted to say that I hope that you get chance to have some time to do whatever you want to do, over the weekend - and I also wanted to send you a supportive hug :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate the comfort offered. :hug:
.........
I did not sleep well last night. I had trouble falling asleep. Once I slept, it was fine but not enough.
My cat hasn't been settled this morning. She seems stressed and I am hoping that she calms down. I think there has been so much change and poking and prodding that she is responding to all of that. I hope that is the case and that we don't need another vet visit.
My long run today didn't go the way I planned. I did not feel well. I decided to cut my run short. Sometimes there are times to push through but today didn't feel like one of those days.
Hi Rainy Diary-
that sounds like a pretty intense conference for you. I second Hope, and hope (hah) that you can get some rest and recovery time. Two thoughts as I read your entry:
1-perhaps your cat is actually getting better, and is just antsy. I know many people can get impatient with healing and want to be active and back to normal again, I would think animals might experience that too. Thinking good thoughts for the kitty!
2- As someone who was an admin and helped run events for years, I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect something like that to be better coordinated. Yes, stuff happens that you can't predict during the day, but an event run like you described comes across as poorly planned, poorly executed, and less than professional. Which impacts their image negatively. It's a shame that was disappointing for you.
Quote from: rainydiary on July 17, 2021, 04:16:40 PM
I decided to cut my run short. Sometimes there are times to push through but today didn't feel like one of those days.
I'm so glad you allowed yourself a time of not pushing yourself to complete your day's goal. I hope you feel better soon, and I hope your cat does too. :hug:
Hi rainy,
I'm hearing you;
the memories, frustration, awkwardness and also the bits of connection you made with other attendees, disabled and different from you. I question myself about these interactions as well, and would like to suggest that you were well received and your interpretations of others' views are just one of many possible ways to react. As a disabled person, (when it's "discovered") taking questions is affirming and a great advocacy opportunity. I can see why you interpreted the laser focus as you did, but chances are, after a while, that might fall off the radar. Can give yourself credit for your sensitivity and empathy instead?
Once I attended a literary group in which there was one person of color, and because I married a black man and had biracial children, felt the urge to reach out. It created a lovely short term relationship which empowered both of us. You never know what the seed you plant is going to do.
You are the best one to gauge your energy level and coping skills with all events, whether professional or not. You'll intuitively know what's best for you tomorrow. :hug:
Sage, I appreciate your words for my cat and my conference experience. I'm still caught off guard by how intense I reacted to that conference. I'm learning a lot of things and see things in a new way and trying to carry out that learning is proving challenging. I'll say more about my cat below, but I am feeling better about her.
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Blueberry, thank you for your words. It's funny that both my cat and I are so alike - we've both been having foot troubles and need rest. I am feeling the benefit of taking that time for myself physically even if I still need emotional, psychological, and spiritual care too.
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BeeKeeper, I appreciate your perspective on how affirming it can be to be asked questions. I think that what bothered me was that the man shared a story about his difficulty with his parents and parents listening to his story reacted in a way that made me feel like they invalidated his share and made it about them. What the man told me when I checked in with him is that he thinks their reaction is natural. I found him generous in his approach. I also feel the pain of the way our society views and treats people with disabilities. For me the fight is bigger and my reaction was from that larger perspective. During the conference some researchers were there and said that the field needs researchers in this area. It made me wonder if it would be something that would suit me better.
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I haven't felt great most of today because I am tired and I was worried about my cat. My worry caused a conflict with my husband.
My worry was that my cat wasn't eating today. She regurgitated her food yesterday and today wouldn't touch it. All day she has been trying to eat salty foods my husband and I had out. She finally succeeded (from her perspective) and ate some salty food. It seemed that she was craving that food. I'm sure she isn't supposed to have it with her kidney disease but also I trust a creature's wisdom of what their body needs. It seems that her current kidney food is not cutting it anymore. I had some of her old food left and plan to give it to her along her new food until I can call her vet and get some other options.
Since she ate, I feel a lot better. I hope to sleep better tonight which I've been hoping for a number of nights of late.
I'm noticing how much I have lived in my head since May 24th.
I am imagining all kinds of conversations I will have. Yet there is more beyond those conversations I can't see - the ways in which I hope to interact differently with others and be more authentic and true to myself.
I am feeling far away from my husband. I notice him attempting to make changes after I share a need (such as asking me more questions). And yet I am still not really able to share my inner experience with him a way that I would like. He has also been rude to me about my care for my cat and it is upsetting me.
All of the running training I am doing is taking a toll on my time, my energy, my mind, my body. I'm questioning if it is worth it or I can reach the goal I set for myself.
I need some kind of rest I can't seem to find or access right now.
hey, rainy,
the amount of introspection you're doing right now is amazing. i hope you're not feeling overwhelmed. maybe that's why the idea of getting some rest of some kind is on your mind. it sounds like you're balancing a lot on your plate right now. keep taking care of you, ok? sending love and a warm, caring hug your way. :hug:
San, I appreciate your reflection. I am trying to learn to embrace how introspective my nature is while also not letting it overwhelm me. I got into overwhelm of late and hope this week will be less difficult. I've had some good crys the past few days that relieved me some.
..........
Yesterday I ended up trying to connect with my husband and share my inner experience. I didn't think it was working at first. Then he shared a compliment.
He shared that he is impressed with all the running I've been doing and he's been bragging to his coworkers about it. My husband has never said something like that to me before. It actually meant a lot and made me feel like we are making progress.
As the beginning of another school year approaches, I am growing more and more aware of what I will be facing.
Today I decided to try to write out what I wanted to say to my colleagues. I had been playing with lines in my head for a long time and needed to get it out. As I was writing though, I realized I was coming from a place where I wanted my words to cause pain and hurt because that is how I feel.
I stopped and asked what it is I want. I want my colleagues to hear and listen to the way I approach my work. I have some ideas of how I hope to share my plans. Ultimately they don't have to agree with me and I'm not worried about that. It is important to me to be heard.
My cat has been so stressed the past few days. In general I think she is trending toward feeling more like herself. But she has overgroomed herself to the point of having so many hairballs.
I am trying to care for her and offer her comfort where I can...but each thing I figure out seems to last one time and then stop working. I think we are just going to need some time and patience.
Ultra running will take it out of just about anyone. :hug: keep listening to your body like you've been doing. Like how you realized you weren't providing it enough fuel a couple weeks ago.
I think it shows a lot of dedication that you keep trying to get your husband to understand how to support you. Keep trying and modeling for him. You deserve his support.
I'm learning that sometimes things that are out of my control are truly out of my control and that the healthiest thing for all is to just let things be as they are...acceptance blah blah blah. But I think you are onto something with your cat...and the healing process just needing time and patience. :hug:
Armee, I am glad to hear from you and appreciate the support. :hug:
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I am rather overwhelmed today. I think all of my thinking and worrying and whatever is getting to me.
I will see what I can cut out today and try to rest. I'm noticing I'm not really giving myself permission to do so.
I am stuck in expectations. I have always held onto the expectation that things will get better. In many ways that has been the case and in others it hasn't.
As the day has gone on, I've felt better. I felt so weird this morning physically. I spent most of the day taking it as easy as I could.
My cat and I cuddled for most of the day. We are having to rebuild trust as her routine was disrupted a lot the past month and more. She must be starting to feel better as she has stopped regurgitating her food and coughing up hairballs (which I find to be a really inaccurate description of the reality of a hairball coming up). I hope that as she requires less care, I can let go more.
I've been feeling the urge to reach out to my parents. I don't understand our relationship or how to be a participant in it. But sometimes I don't mind sharing a brief update of how I am doing through text. I had positive interactions as we kept it light.
My mom sent me a picture of me when I was a baby. It made me cry to see my little self. I have come so far.
My mom shared that one of my grandmother's sisters died. It made me think of the trauma my grandmother experienced and how she left the place where she was from and the majority of her family did not. Even though she passed on trauma, she also passed on the idea that we can make our own way. Each of my grandparents did differently than their families.
I think I have been wanting to reach out to my parents because the intergenerational aspect of my trauma is on my mind. I'm not sure what to make of it but I find it bringing me compassion.
rainy,
it's good to know that your cat is starting to get better and you both enjoyed cuddling time. That's really important to both of you.
I'm sorry that one of your grandmother's sisters has passed. Thinking about them, their lives, what they did and didn't do, can bring a lot of understanding and value to your experience. Observing how they took a separate path in particular seems like it would be a rich well for mining lessons. Your capacity to care and think deeply about these things would inevitably bring on feelings of sharing and connection. I understand the problems in turning that into action which feels and is safe and affirming.
Hi Rainy. Some days are just like that...feeling off. Thankfully they usually pass. I think you did a great job listening to your body and taking it easier.
I'm sorry about the loss of your Great Aunt.
It's hard to know when the right time is to reach out to people who hurt us. But if you are wanting to try I think that's courageous and kind hearted and worth a try. And I'd gently suggest that you continue to listen to the body as you do that slowly and see how it affects you, and don't hesitate to back off again if you need to. 💛
BeeKeeper, I appreciate your words and understanding of how I reflect and what I may or may not find in that reflection. :hug:
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Armee, I appreciate the reminders you offer. :hug:
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BeeKeeper & Armee, I appreciate the words about my grandmother's sister. I am sure I met her sister once but can't place her face. My family overall is not particularly close and this loss doesn't feel heavy to me other than I can feel that it seems heavy to my mom. My grandmother has dementia and thus her mind is in a different place than her body. It is a hardship on my mom and her sisters and that stress gets transmitted to me sometimes too.
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Today has been another weird day.
I slept better last night than I have in a while.
I thought my cat was done with her uneasy stomach but today proved me wrong. She has been trying to eat her dry food which hasn't been sitting well with her stomach. I am trying to not get too worked up about it. She did eat some wet food and kept it down. I can't figure out right now if she is still just setting her stressed/anxious feelings or if her food is making her stomach hurt. We will keep trying. It is tricky because I can't easily get a new food to try because it is a specialty diet.
My husband and I seem to be finding a better groove with day to day communication. It seems like we don't necessarily have a joint goal for moving forward but it is nice to have to the check ins we've been having. He also seems to have walking as a way to support himself in dealing with his stress and processing. I saw an article title today that was something like "managing when you are in different timelines toward the same goal" or something like that. I didn't read more than that but the idea stayed with me.
Another thing that came up today is how I continue to place so much of my power in things outside my control. A little while ago, I made a list of things I can control in my current moment. I plan to experiment with this and see how it helps.
Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad you were able to have a better night's sleep last night. Sorry to hear that your cat is till having upset tummy issues though. I really hope she will feel better soon.
Sending you a hug, and hope your experiment with the list of things you'd written down is helpful. :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate your words and support. :hug:
......
I am having a tough day. I am feeling overwhelmed.
My cat is still recovering and won't eat much. She seems ok but I feel this urgency for her to get back to her baseline because I go back to work soon and can't look after her as much in a few weeks. Her paw is looking a little concerning. I will try some things to help her keep healing. But I feel so defeated. I have done my best and she is still recovering. This all makes me feel so incompetent.
I feel also so odd for being so over the top about my cat. Today I realized I am holding onto a small pain from a recent encounter. I introduced myself to someone new and as usual when they found out I don't have kids they said, "Do you at least have a dog?" Nope. I'm not sure why people put this judgment out there.
My husband told me that his company didn't get the overseas contract he had been working on. I think some of my current stress is that I fully expected we would be moving sometime in the coming year. Perhaps we still will, but it is overwhelming to me.
It's ok to feel so much worry about your cat. It's a beautiful thing, Rainy. Hopefully you can find a way to care with less suffering for you. :hug:
Worrying about an international move is a huge worry!
Armee, I appreciate your words of support and validation.
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I just had one of those deep, good cries where it surprises me what comes up.
My cat has interrupted the healing of her paw with grooming. The isn't as bad as it was but I am finding myself needing to pull back out the cone as it is the only thing that seems to work. I don't want to go to the vet again unless we have to.
As I have been processing this and feeling like a total failure at caring for her, I realized both how mean I am being to myself but also how I hold qualities that I am critical of in others.
My care for my cat has been what a human who is doing their best can do. I have tried to be responsive to her needs but also see how I am often working out my own issues through her. I also have been extremely lenient with her to accommodate her needs and recognize that this is slowing down healing. I hope to see small improvements each day as I watch her grooming her paw...but I feel impatient for the paw to be completely better.
What is the biggest thing going on is how much I am still struggling to love and accept myself. As I was crying, moments from the past several months came up that a part of me was holding onto saying "See, you are a piece of garbage?"
I find new things to help carry me forward each day. Part of that is being honest that things I hold against others are often things I am holding against myself. I don't wish to excuse any behavior that others do that is hurtful, but I also know deeply imperfect I am as a human which means that others are too.
I have a very long training run tomorrow that I am quite anxious about. I hope to rest up some this afternoon and evening and do my best to accomplish that tomorrow.
Maybe she won't want to accept it but I want to offer a hug to the part of you that thinks "see, you are a piece of garbage." There's a lot of pain that piece is holding, protecting you from. I wish we didnt need those thoughts and eventually they can loosen but right now it's serving a purpose. If you didn't think you were a piece of garbage...then what would happen?
:hug:
I also want to send YOU a big hug for processing things and crying and feeling all the real pain that's under those types of protective thoughts. You are trying really hard and doing great, Rainy.
:grouphug:
Good luck on your ultra long run tomorrow. Listen to yourself. :cheer:
i agree with armee that there is a lot of pain behind those neg. self-thoughts. reading what you wrote, i thought about my own bought with them for myself, and can see a hazy (at this point) connection such as you describe. dang, it's amazing to me how this trauma stuff works in our systems - mind, body, brain. i also agree that so much of what we do and think about others and ourselves have been protective devices. we were trained early and well to doubt ourselves, think badly of ourselves, and/or hold ourselves to impossible expectations. that last one is, to me, the source of feeling like failures because we, as humans, are not capable of being perfect.
keep going, rainy. i think you're doing a really good job on digging into this crapola you've had to carry around. good luck on your run, too. sending love and a hug full of compassion for yourself. you deserve it. :hug:
Armed & San, I am so appreciative of your words. I am deeply exhausted today and can't give more words than that right now. I plan to return and process more when I am more rested.
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I did not sleep well last night. I couldn't sleep with so much stress and worry over many things.
My cat's paw is still sick. I am finally accepting that whatever is going on is more than I can handle. I've made and cancelled several appointments with her regular vet. It will important to make and keep one. Whatever is going on hasn't been addressed with the emergency visits. For now I am trying to keep her from licking it and making it worse than it is. That isn't fun for either of us.
I completed my run today. It was long but I did it. I can't imagine completing longer runs but I will. Some of my sleeplessness last night was because I was nervous about this run.
I hope to sleep better tonight.
:hug: I hope the run helps you sleep better. It's always harder when our sleep is disrupted. As for the kitty, the regular visit will be important. As much as we love our little furballs, we aren't the trained and licensed professionals who can figure out what's going on. The best we can do is follow instructions and go back if something isn't working.Kitty might not like the cone, but it sounds like a good choice until you can get them to the doc. You'll get through this, I believe you can. :)
Cactus, thank you. I am feeling so overwhelmed by my cat's lack of comfort. It's hard to choose what is most important and right now it seems that her not licking her paw is the most important. I worry that she isn't eating or drinking enough especially for her kidney disease but I don't know what damage she can do to her paw.
I have a plan to call her vet when they open tomorrow and I hope they can see us soon. I feel so lousy that we have been trying to solve this for over 6 weeks and haven't gotten anywhere. I'm also stressed because I am supposed to go out of town next weekend and want to keep that trip. Right now I am trying to take this one moment at a time but it is bringing up a lot of feelings.
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I slept a bit better last night. I can't fully relax in my sleep when I know my cat is so uncomfortable but I am trying to care for myself in order to care for her. I think my sleeplessness is also related to my running and the approach of work. This where I feel so confused - I do so many good things for my body and yet my mind can be such a challenge.
worry about our furry friends is akin to worrying about our children at times. i think it's a good idea to call the vet at this point to get a professional perspective. good luck with it all. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your comment. My cat is essentially my child as I don't have human children of my own. I've been fortunate in that she has been a really healthy cat and we just have hit a weird place.
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I managed to get an appointment with her vet today. I assumed they would have me see whichever doctor was available but I was able to meet with her regular vet. I realized I could have been more assertive before now and gotten an appointment sooner.
As I sat there waiting for her vet, I started crying. It has been such a difficult path. Her foot was essentially looking the way it looked back in June and I felt so terrible that all the time and effort we put in seemed gone. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I had gone to her vet from the start.
Her vet was really compassionate and let me share my story of what happened. She then asked me for permission before she did anything to my cat which I appreciate. She cleaned her paw and came to show me that it just looked very inflamed but nothing seems to stand out as a problem. Which makes this situation so weird. What the heck is going on?
We decided to cover the paw and try another antibiotic and check in on Friday. This plan seemed so reasonable and I felt so mad at the emergency vet. I don't think my situation was a true emergency but after the care and approach today it just feels like they checked a box and technically did a job to get me out the door. It makes sense to me to cover the paw - I keep my house as clean as I can but I also don't live in a sterile environment.
If this covering and antibiotic don't help, we will need to get more information perhaps through a biopsy or an X-ray.
The challenge with all this is my husband and I have a trip planned this weekend. It might all work out and we can go without worry about the cat. But we might also not be able to. He was rude to me about it.
When he gets like that, all I can hear is the voice of his parents who always prioritized themselves over their kids especially when it came to "vacation." I could just see my husband or one of his siblings being sick or not up for a "vacation" but being forced to go by their parents.
I am truly sorry for the timing of my cat's illness, but it also isn't the end of the world if we can't make our trip. We can go another time. I believe he does share concern about the well-being of our cat but something about this situation is triggering him.
I am feeling a bit more relieved and more comfortable. My cat doesn't like her paw being covered but as long as she leaves it alone she doesn't have to wear the cone. I still might need to leave the cone on her overnight as I could see her trying to get the bandage off.
sounds like a good plan, rainy. i hope hubby chills a bit if the vacation can't go forward as planned. maybe you can sit down with him and make plans for another one? that way you can both have some fun time to anticipate, and still be comfortable with your cat's treatment and healing. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Thanks San, I checked in with my husband as his messages were texts and I might have read into what he wrote. I'm not sure I read into his message though. He stated that his perspective is he wants to know if we are going or not. I'm not sure what he means by that. Hopefully we can check in more.
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My cat is doing ok so far. She has tried to get the bandage off a few times but seems happier to have longer breaks from the cone. I will need to cone her overnight as I imagine she would really have a go at getting the bandage off.
I've had some good learning experiences today. I hope to carry what I learned forward.
I was just wondering about my inner child. My shoulder is hurting in a way I associate with my inner child. I haven't been as connected her. I was more in touch last year. Maybe the messages from Armee and San about the part of me holding onto the "piece of garbage" thought is speaking up.
Your vet treated you and your cat with so much compassion. Thay justvwarms my heart. :hug:
I hope that the cats paw is doing well enough that you can go with your husband, without guilt or worry. And if you can't go, that thay decision can be made in way that feels ok to you. From what you said it does sound like this triggers stuff for your husband. Perhaps it is painful to him to see how you treat your cat with love compared to how his parents treated him.
I appreciate your words Armee. I often wonder a lot about my husband and his triggers. It's taken a lot of work for me to not try to own his stuff or try to do the emotional work for him. It struck me this week how difficult being vulnerable is for him. I have not seen anyone in his family except his sister sometimes share vulnerability. I think a lot of his behavior right now is wanting to help but not wanting to be vulnerable. That makes me sad for him and for his family. And sometimes for myself. We'll see what happens this week. My cat is doing her best. She hates the bandage but it is keeping her paw safe.
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I am noticing so much tension in my body that I haven't really been able to relieve. I think the tension has many sources. I haven't been able to rest easy or relax of late. I find it so interesting that I am currently running so many miles a week, having routines, eating relatively well, and my mind is still so powerful.
Today I came across this quote attributed to Carl Jung and it stood out to me:
"As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible."
I have been waking up especially early this week. As I was sitting here this morning, I was reflecting on my husband and I and had the following thoughts.
*****TW: mention of suicide *****
My mind has been going back more to the time my BIL died by suicide. My husband recently received a check in the mail that was from the sale of one of my BIL's homes. Why that is coming to my husband and not my parents in law is a bit odd to me....until I consider my husband as a parentified child.
My husband and SIL do not know I heard this conversation, but I heard my SIL sharing with my husband the experience of finding my BIL's body. The individual that acted like an adult in the situation was not my FIL who found my BIL but my SIL. She took immediate action calling emergency services and doing CPR while my FIL stood there. I have always grieved for the way my SIL's life has gone as her actions in that moment showed her strength and courage. I also can't shake how traumatized she must be by that experience and how she likely has little support for it.
When I heard that story, it made me hate my FIL and MIL. They have not acted like parents and created four humans with so much pain and confusion. I grieve for my husband and his siblings in that they were raised by such wounded, lost people that don't take responsibility for themselves.
****** End TW ******
My mind went back to that time because I wonder if the current situation with my cat is triggering the lack of care of his parents and all of chaos around his brother's death. I won't know for sure but it brings me a great deal of compassion for him.
I often think about what it would be like to have parents like his. He will tell me how he once asked his mom if she would make him pancakes (I think he might have been in college) and her response was "Does your roommate make you pancakes?" I don't know if he feels the pain I hear in those types of comments and I imagine those types of things were said throughout his life.
I often wonder what it is about me that felt drawn to someone from such a messed up family. I remember the day I met my husband and in that moment I recognized a fellow traveler trying to make it on their own terms. Even though I struggle to know my internal self at times, that was a moment where I chose to listen to my intuition.
Since his brother's death, I have felt disconnected from the part of myself that saw that. Over the years, he has been so torn between the dynamics and expectations of his family and doing what is best for himself and that has left me in a very uncertain place. That has made me question myself and my instinct. And yet, I'm not sure I would have started a healing journey had it not been for our relationship.
*exhale*
oh, rainy, such a bucketload of thoughts and feelings around your H's family, and his own suffering. it's difficult to determine from the outside just what might trigger someone and why, but there is a real possibility that caretaking of another, be it human or animal, could be a jolt to his system in the present because of situations in the past. i don't know if he'd even know it, unless he's been quite introspective about his family dynamics and what that means for him and his psyche.
i've had 3 husbands, all of whom were damaged by their childhoods, but at the end of the day, while i could feel compassion for their pain, i also had to learn that we all have the chance to heal our wounds, change our behaviors toward others, and find a healthier perspective from which to move thru our lives. i hope your H is doing that, i really do.
as for why you chose him, i've heard for a long time that we are attracted to people on our own level of hurt and pain because we know how to deal with it - it feels familiar and has a certain amount of comfort for us. i hope you two can work your way thru it. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
:hug:
I have a lot of emotions but not a lot of words reading this.
But it is clear you have so much compassion for your DH and I hope he is picking up on that and allowing it in.
I have the strange experience of having married someone not at my level of hurt and pain. Although he had his own trauma around his dad's death similar to your SIL, that came as an adult and he absorbed it. Now I am very grateful because the alternative scenario would have probably left me in a very different situation, but I spent many years hating his perfection and hating myself for not being good enough for him. None of that came from him it was all my brain trying to grapple with the vast difference between us. And honestly sometimes I fantasized about being with someone more like me. Broken.
Your husband is lucky to have you and you and San are right that he needs to do his own work so he can enjoy what you have to offer. In the meantime, compassion and respect and empathy for the other can go a long way to hold down the fort while that work happens, if it's a 2 way street.
Hugs to you and kitty, Rainy. :hug:
San & Armee, I am so grateful you responded. Sometimes I write things out and then feel too vulnerable for what I said and wish I hadn't said it. I often wonder if our relationship works for my husband. I often wonder if it works for me. I haven't felt deep down to get out. I know there are things we all have to work through. It is very confusing.
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San, I appreciate the perspective you shared and experiences you've had. What you say makes sense and I think often of how to care for myself. I haven't gotten to the point where I feel like I need out as he does seem to be moving in a good direction and acting in ways that feel more supportive to me. I definitely reflect on his family more than he does. I'm not sure he will ever fully come out of the FOG.
I appreciate the thought we find someone around the same level of pain and hurt. I often wonder if some of the relationships I had or wished I had would have worked given what I've been through and how I am oriented to the world. But now our level of pain and hurt are different and that may be some of what is making our relationship feel so different.
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Armee, I appreciate your thoughts and am sorry to hear about your husband's experience with his dad. It is such a terrible and difficult thing. I think that if I had a partner who was at different place of pain and hurt I would be more like what you describe. That sounds so difficult and I appreciate you sharing your story. Thank you for your kind words and for reading what I wrote.
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Today has been relatively ok. I am reminded of how doing yoga postures helps me a great deal. It's been hard to keep up with it while running so much. I wonder if I can find ways to include more.
My cat is annoyed having her foot covered. In some ways it is better as I am not constantly considering how her paw looks but it's also not possible to tell if this is helpful. I also still have to keep an eye on her as she tries to get the bandage off. We go to the vet on Friday morning for a check so just need to get through a bit more. Then we'll see if we are heading out of town or having a staycation.
I worked a bit today to prepare some things that I need to do but won't have time for. In doing this, I uncovered that my most challenging colleague decided to create a class, put my name on it, and put 11 students together. I was so mad when I saw this. I didn't agree to this. I decided to let it digest a bit but then also decided to reach out to the principal. I'm not sure how all this garbage is going to work out. I know some of my stress is how I am going to deal with these folks.
Today I am reflecting on the idea of "never enough."
That is a message I feel I received growing up and no matter how hard I tried or what I achieved, it still wasn't enough to feel loved and accepted as I am.
The idea of "never enough" came up through my YTT (in that it is something we are told to believe but isn't at all helpful). I realized it applies to my work, how I am managing my cat, my marriage, to me.
The "never enough" really pressed against a deep wound in me that something must be wrong with me or people wouldn't treat me the way they do.
:hugs: I get where you're coming from, rainydiary, I resonate with that message, unfortunately. That and "can't do anything right" were two of the strongest that got embedded. Sometimes it surprises me to figure out how much they color everything I think and do.
I'm sorry your co-worker did that to you, it's completely unfair. I hope you can talk to the principal and make them understand you had no idea the person did that, did not agree, and don't have the bandwidth to actually do it. Especially to get students interested without even telling you they were doing it? That's just dismissive of everyone.
Hi Rainy Diary.
Those messages seem so universal, don't they? Not good enough, and never doing anything right. The soundtrack to our lives. I hope that things get sorted with your job.
I thought that the discussion around finding a partner with a similar level of pain was very interesting. I truly believe that my late husband was, if not as damaged as me, was certainly carrying a lot of pain. But he absolutely couldn't admit it. If he had, maybe we could have grown together, but I think he chose me because of my pain, so that he did not have to face his own pain.
It does sound as if there is a good basis for your marriage and I hope that things continue to move in good directions.
Hoping your cat is doing well. My dog is in great form at the moment, but I still tend to worry about her an awful lot!!
Not good enough, never enough...such strong messages. I thought everyone had them but then I realized no, not everyone has these awful voices. That gave me hope that one day we can not have them, too. Although I have a hard time not believing them about myself, when I see people like you and the others here suffering the same I know they aren't true.
I read your letter to yourself. It was beautiful.
Libby, I appreciate your words and observations. Never enough is baked into our culture in so many ways and working against is tough. I appreciate your words about your husband - I wonder if my husband will acknowledge his pain. :Idunno:
..........
Armee, thank you for reading and sharing that these messages are part of your experience. It is so challenging. :hug:
..........
After realizing my colleagues had overstepped and scheduled me for something that isn't their decision to do, I decided to contact the administrators that I talked to in June. The principal said she wanted to look into the situation and today called me to say she spoke to one of my colleagues and indicated we all need to have a conversation but that their actions are not appropriate.
I appreciate her backing me but am also waiting for retaliation on the part of my colleagues. She has broken the ice and now my colleagues will begin piecing together that I have spoken up. I am doing as much prep work as I can at home so that I can focus my energy on the people situations when we all return next Friday. I am feeling so uneasy.
Something that is bugging is that the principal is throwing around how I should feel. She kept telling me to "not get frustrated." She annoys me with her discomfort with me expressing feelings. I will need to learn to not tell her my feelings, realize she will invalidate them, or teach her to validate them. It's tricky because right now I need her help with my colleagues.
Tomorrow I take my cat for her paw to be rechecked. She is so over the cone and the bandage on her leg. Me too. I'm not sure what to expect. Part of me wants the issue to be resolved but a deeper part knows we might not quite be there.
Such an important issue, I think, Rainy. You talk about how your principal is, in effect, telling you how you should or shouldn't feel, and how it is bugging you.
I can absolutely relate to that, as my husband did it repeatedly. It seems to tie in with your recent comments about the usefulness or otherwise, of CBT.
I wonder if CBT is OK for dealing with low level situations, for example, if someone who normally says hello to you, fails to do so, it might not be a snub. They didn't see you, or were preoccupied etc. But in more involved relationships, it seems invalidating, doesn't it?
My husband told me that I shouldn't be upset by his parents treatment of me. Maybe I wasn't right about their motivations, but it didn't mean that I didn't feel that way.
I hope that you can come up with a strategy to cope with your principal, and feel sure that you will find an effective way forward. Knowing what you are dealing with is the main thing, so you are well on the way.
Libby, I appreciate your thoughts and am sorry that you experienced being told to not feel a certain way about something. I notice that people are very uncomfortable with aspects of our experience especially those that feel uncomfortable. I don't like sitting in discomfort but because others have sat in discomfort with me I think it is important to do so when I can. I do wonder if I am over sensitive to this.
..........
Today I took my cat to the vet. Her paw is beginning to heal. They re-bandaged her paw and I will continue with the antibiotic. I will take her back next week to be rechecked. Hopefully by the next visit the rest of her paw is healed. As the day has gone on, I feel so foolish that I didn't take her to her vet for a check in during the previous month. We could have resolved this so much sooner with some support. I am trying to see that I have learned something, but it hurts making mistakes.
Given that my cat still needs care, we aren't going on our vacation. We are trying to enjoy ourselves here. We've had a good afternoon and evening. I do feel guilt that my husband is frustrated about us not going, but hope to stop owning that. He is welcome to be disappointed and I don't have the ability to make him feel better.
I am feeling incredibly vulnerable at the thought of work. I created an overview document with inquiry questions and resources and I sent it out today to my school. My vision is that my students need their teachers and classmates and everyone they meet at school to be responsive to their communication. Deep down I know most people won't read it but it feels so tough to be putting myself out there. I am trying to stay true to myself but it's hard when I know people think I'm off and not doing my job right. I am trying to speak for change.
I hope to feel less unsettled tomorrow after some sleep.
Your resource and vision sounds perfect. Good for you for putting yourself out there to help your students.
Armee, thank you. I am trying something out and will see how it goes. I realize that I have this big aim in my mind and it is hard to break it down for others. This is me trying that and seeing what works and doesn't. :hug:
..........
I am feeling deeply tired today. I do my best, but find mental and emotional and spiritual rest to be so challenging. I haven't been effectively resting in these ways for a while.
A lot of random feelings are coming up. They are tied to events from the past. I think what these moments have in common is that they overwhelmed me at the time. I still don't know how to make sense of these feelings. They relate to me feeling out of step with others even when I was trying very hard to stay in step.
August is going to challenge me very much. I am anxious about it. Part of me is doubting myself and part of me feels I can handle it. I'm trying to not assume or plan how I'll feel or be, but it's hard for me to not do that.
I find myself in a place of grieving today and grieving for something surprising.
My husband and I watched a documentary about two researchers studying whales. It brought back to mind how as a child I dreamed of being a marine biologist. I love the ocean and love being around and on water. I found myself filled with this desire to still be someone that studies the ocean and beings in the ocean, especially whales.
And yet, as an adult that type of shift is not simple nor necessarily possible. I am grieving because I'm not sure why I lost track of that part of myself. I am grieving because so much of my life, especially as I began to make decisions for myself, was done without much thought or attention because I lacked an identity. I am grieving that it took me so long to find myself and now I am in a career that while aspects bring me joy I wish I could explore something else.
My mind and heart are heavy with the knowledge that I will be going back to work on Friday. I am honestly sick and tired of other people. I'm tired of trying so hard and still falling short in the eyes of others. I am feeling heavy because I am doubting myself. I am doubting I will find what it takes to stand up and be me even more so than I have. I'm afraid of continuing to be misunderstood and trampled over and subject to the agenda of others.
I feel very deeply into myself today and have for several days.
I'm sorry for the grief for what could have been. I think that is a very common experience for people with CPTSD. Survival was the focus, not things beyond that. It is very sad this happens. Grieving what could have been, what should have been makes so much sense. I hope that maybe down the road you can still do something to switch careers, even if right now that might feel impossible. It's not easy to switch but maybe things can change enough for you at some point. But I get that that doesn't completely undo the past and fix what should have been.
QuoteI'm tired of trying so hard and still falling short in the eyes of others.
You cannot change how others see you, people tend to see what they want to see. If anything, I see them as the ones that are falling short. You will never be able to please these kinds of people, because they're not interested in that. You may as well put your energy into what makes you happy with yourself. You deserve better than this. Keep having compassion for yourself, keep listening to yourself and what you need and do what you can to take care of those things for yourself. Eventually those other people won't have this power over you anymore, because you will have everything you need inside of yourself.
Friday. It's close. It doesn't feel like that break was long enough. I wish you had more time away from that environment. I wish people saw and respected your strength and commitment and recognized your good ideas. You deserve a more respectful environment.
Owl, I appreciate you reading and the ideas you offered. I think I will indulge in dreaming a bit. Perhaps I will make a plan to try out some prerequisite coursework to explore the academic demands. I have also been reflecting that for some reason I am prioritizing the experience of people that will never be satisfied, content, etc with me and what I do. I am in a place of feeling very tough in myself - I have a lot going on and it is all weighing on me at the moment.
.........
Armee, it does feel too soon. I am shocked at how quickly May has turned into August. I appreciate your reminder of the respect I and others deserve. I think in my mind I am moving toward something else and just haven't found it yet. I will do my best to care for myself.
..........
Today I feel deep fatigue. I often think I am tired when really I am overwhelmed. I think that is somewhat the case today. My mind has also worked very hard over the past several months.
At the beginning of each school year I have mandatory trainings I am required to do. These are delivered through recorded presentations. Two of the trainings in particular always get to me - one is about school safety (essentially what we are supposed to do in the event of someone trying to harm us) and one is about child abuse and neglect (as I am a mandatory reporter). I watched those today to get it over with and definitely felt unwell afterwards.
I am trying to get a place of trusting myself before work on Friday. A lot of memories from the past especially of my relationship to my father have been coming up. My father questioned me and punished me and taught me to distrust myself. I have moments where that part isn't so big, but it is feels big right now.
I have four colleagues in particular that I dread seeing. They loom large in my mind. I don't know why I give them so much space in my mind and why I feel so incompetent with them. I think some of it is because they don't play by rules I can recognize. They say one thing and mean another. They make me feel like I am the problem yet do nothing to modify their own behavior. They press upon deep wounds of mine and it is tough to separate the past from the present with them.
I made a goal to focus on breathing this month because that is something I can do at work too.
Wow.
I am not actually surprised by what I am about to share but it hurts.
I checked in with my principal today about the workspace I was promised and she told me that the plan has changed.
I think I will essentially be expected to sit where I was told I would be sitting in May which prompted me to cry and try to find a new job.
It feels like she has turned on me.
I'm not surprised by this but I feel betrayed.
I have committed to myself to stay and fight. I think this is a direct reaction to me standing up for myself. But it stinks and hurts.
For all I know, the other person in the meeting had a hand in this too so I now lack trust in everyone.
I am glad to have this information before I show up on Friday, but this is just another step on the path of me walking out of that place.
:bighug:
This feels like a big betrayal indeed. Especially because you had plans to leave because this situation was not workable for you. As much as you can keep your eye on what matters, which is serving your students and protecting yourself from unreasonable action has the principal offered a meeting to explain the unexpected lack of change?
Armee, I appreciate your words and question. She offered information in her email response. Based on past interactions with her, I know she will not feel any understanding or remorse for this or that she has betrayed anything. I find it interesting that she wouldn't have said a word to me if I hadn't asked and I would have shown up at work and likely gone into the EF I am in now.
I believe that we will be having a team discussion this week. I'm worried the tide has turned against me. Trust for me has been deeply broken and I am not clear on how I will move forward.
........
I am still very upset. I'm trying to identify and focus on what I can have a say:
My plans with my students (most of them anyways)
Identifying places I can sit at work when I need a break
Identifying a way to document these experiences
Focusing on my breath
Reaching out to people that support me
I am trying to feel proud that I spoke for myself. These behaviors are not a reflection of me. But I have serious concern about my ability to be successful in these conditions.
Can this in any way be considered reasonable accommodation due to PTSD to have a workspace elsewhere?
Armee, that is a good question. I don't have any official documented diagnoses and haven't gone that route. I have created my own accommodations. For me it is less about the actual workspace and more that my colleagues are backstabbing and I want to be away from that.
I appreciate your heart being with me.
..........
I am reflecting on how much I have endured in my career. This particular work experience is typical of what I have experienced. In the past, I have quit and found new jobs.
Yet it keeps finding me. I am curious what of this is me. I think that because I often take what I am given without truly standing up for myself, people push. But also, most of this isn't about me. I don't understand why it is all falling on me.
My husband and I may be getting to a place where we would like to relocate. There is a lot to consider and explore.
Still in my feelings today but I have a bit more space around it.
I woke up very early this morning which tends to happen when I am stressed and anxious. It was earlier than I wanted to get up however my mind often takes over in those moments. I found myself telling myself it was ok to feel what I felt. That it made sense. I usually try to not feel what I am feeling and this was a time I was able to not do that. I fell back asleep for a bit although then dreamed about work (of course).
Today I was able to connect with a colleague who is on my side and sees what is happening to me. She wrote me a really validating message that helped me both see that I am blaming myself for what is happening and made me feel better because what I am feeling is reasonable based on what is happening.
I received notification of the infamous meeting we will be having. I'm not sure this going to work out very well. I need to find someone like my union representative to also talk to.
I also need a long term plan of something else to do. This place is toxic and it is taking a toll on me I'm not willing to pay anymore.
Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad that you have a colleague who wrote some validating things to you.
I hope you're able to find a supportive union rep to talk to, prior to that meeting you're due to have.
Wishing you strength for getting that long term plan together too.
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate your words of support. :hug:
..........
I am currently waiting for a call from my vet for an update on my cat's paw. I left my cat at the vet this morning and am eager for news. I am getting antiser as the morning goes on. I am so hopeful that the news I will get is that her paw has healed.
I spoke with a union rep today about my situation. She felt my concerns were out of her experience level and said she was going to let the union president know my situation. So I may hear from that person with guidance. It was helpful to talk to someone outside my situation.
I am recognizing in myself the signs of emotional and mental exhaustion that I hope won't lead to burnout.
My cat's paw is a lot better but not quite there. So disappointed by that. We will continue with cone and medication for 5 more days. I had hoped today would be a release from all this but that wasn't to be.
I spoke to the president of the educators union I am in. The conversation was a bit annoying. Her advice was basically "You should find a new job." She gave a suggestion of documentation to complete tomorrow (an email to my principal which I dread sending because she's basically indicated she is sick of getting emails from me).
*sigh*
Today is starting off rough.
I didn't sleep well last night. I tried to speak to myself kindly when I woke up. It wasn't the worst night of sleep ever but not restful at all.
I am overwhelmed today. I think the past several months and what's coming are hitting me hard today.
The air quality where I live is not good and it is impacting my training. I struggle between getting a run in and breathing in polluted air. I also return to work tomorrow which will impact my training. I worry about balancing work, running, making meals, caring for my cat, etc.
My inner critic is really loud. I am having trouble seeing past my flaws (which are really my humanity).
My cat is improving but still requires a level of attention I am exhausted at giving.
My husband is trying to be supportive but also just requested that we discuss trips for the remainder of the year so that he can request PTO. I fear this means confronting the holiday season. I appreciate that we'll talk about it now as opposed to having fights as those months get closer, but it feels like too much.
I hope I can find a way to bring myself to the present today.
Your flaws are what make you Rainy. I bet what you call your flaws are also what make you the best kind of person.
Good luck with the trip discussion and managing the (valid!!!) feelings about your treatment at work.
:bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
I have been reading your thread recently rainydiary. The way you're being treated at work sounds similar to the way LL is treating me, especially the betrayal. I'm so sorry they're putting you through this. I don't know why people do that but I don't think it's necessarily to do with your 'flaws' because as you say your flaws are part of your humanity. We all have them, those people at your workplace have them too. They may just be bullies, who like to bully :Idunno: Over on OOTF they say that the person scapegoated is scapegoated because they are strong though made to feel weak eventually by the bullies.
Armee, I appreciate your words and support. :hug:
Hope, thank you for your observations. It is helpful to know others relate and I am sorry for all of us trying to survive in these situations.
..........
As the day has gone on, I acknowledged to myself that I am either close to or in burnout. I haven't really recharged my batteries since May.
My intentions in the coming days:
to take breaths during moments of transition like I teach my students to do
to take breaks even if it a short walk around my school building or between floors in my house
keep short, straightforward to do lists
look for moments to do some yoga poses
speak kindly to myself
The day I have been anxious about is here.
I didn't sleep the best last night but it also wasn't the worst.
I am going into this day with mixed feelings some of which are related to work and some to my marriage.
Last night my husband made me mad about our cat. I have to leave her in the cone when she is unsupervised. That means she will be in the cone all day while I am gone at work. He works from home yet told me with his full time job he doesn't have time to care for her. All I was hoping is that he would check on her and take the cone off for brief periods so that she would use her litter box, eat, and drink. He then said "She likes it better when you take care of her" which boiled my blood. That is such a thing he learned from his family. He has done very little to help me in her care other than be critical of what I am doing.
This morning I am reflecting on how it some ways I feel like he has transferred responsibility for his life from his mom to me. I do almost all of the cooking, shopping, cleaning, and emotional labor in our home. He is just along for the ride. In the past he used to take more of a lead in some things but now it just feels like he has given that up. This behavior isn't really new but I am exhausted by it and angry. It makes me question how we will ever move forward together. I would like a partner not a child.
Last night one of my brothers reached out to me based on a Facebook post I made. It was truly kind of him and it was good to catch up. I was glad to hear from him. We do our best but our relationship is definitely strained by our upbringing.
I also connected last night with the person who was hired to help me with my caseload. She told me no one other than me from the school has contacted her. I was not surprised but also find that so frustrating. Because now I can see a conversation today going how I should have told them all about her....I am not in charge of her. I was opposed to having another person in my role come on for this very reason. I think we will get along and it will be nice to have someone that isn't rude to me to talk to.
This day is going to be interesting. I hope to feel lighter in myself at some point.
Well, I am home now.
I'm not really calm or settled right now. Exhausted and my brain is going going going.
I spoke to my husband this morning about my hope he would at least check on the cat and perhaps give her a cone break. He did so today which means a lot.
I handled work the best I could. I honestly avoided my colleagues most of the day. I was working with my counterpart on a schedule and we worked in a separate room. I don't have a good work area anymore which I find so interesting. I'm sure if they were asked they would say that I wasn't very nice.
The colleagues I am now sharing a poor excuse of a work area with pretended to be nice to me because we have new team members. They were talking about me before I entered the room and then acted all fake. It makes me so mad.
Then we had a team meeting where the leaders stated that we are good communicators as a team. And then we spent like 20 minutes talking about improving communication and setting team norms. I felt that a lot of the comments were directed at me because they kept looking in my direction.
I didn't care for myself very well while at work. I didn't drink enough water or eat enough food. That always gets out of balance when I restart work.
I hope that as I get better sleep and into a routine at work that I will feel a bit better. I think I have some hard things to decide moving forward.
I didn't catch this as much before.
I am going going going because I'd been putting pressure on myself to not let others know how hurt I was at work. I think people knew exactly how I felt.
I also sent an email expressing honest emotion and forwarded it to someone else. She said I should be careful putting that type of emotion into email.
I was punished growing up for showing too much emotion especially by my dad. While I don't wish to excuse his harshness, I recognize that he experienced being told that he expresses too much emotion. I know that he has struggled at work like I have and his harshness was a desire for me to have a better outcome. But all he did was hurt me so much that this is hard for me too.
Trying to give myself a hug.
It makes me sad to see how hard people are being on you at work, and what they are putting you through. They know they are hurting you and they don't care. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Self-compassion is exactly what you need, and I am glad you are trying to give yourself a hug. Here is one from me as well. :hug:
Quote from: owl25 on August 06, 2021, 11:34:41 PM
They know they are hurting you and they don't care.
Owl, this really stood out to me. I hadn't framed my experience like this before. I appreciate you saying it. It's been in my heart and mind since I read it.
..........
Today I am reflecting on how much energy I expend trying to keep one colleague in particular off my back.
I am reflecting on how my colleagues acted like nothing went wrong.
I am reflecting on how I have been hoping for someone to apologize or at least check in.
I am reflecting on how righteous they feel. They are telling themselves whatever they need to (namely that they are doing this for students) but what they tell themselves is a lie.
I am reflecting on how to get out of this situation. I would like to move to a new place but am stuck in that thought because it feels like my husband wants to move into closer proximity to his family. That stalls me every time.
I am reflecting that I think my cat's paw is getting better but that I am afraid of not knowing when it is better.
I am reflecting that I want to go somewhere and be on my own without any demands.
:hug:
:hug: :hug:
rainydiary, I hope what I said wasn't too blunt. I didn't mean for it to be.
QuoteI am reflecting that I want to go somewhere and be on my own without any demands.
Are you able to give yourself some of this respite, even if temporarily?
I'm sorry for how hard it all is right now. :hug:
Snowdrop :hug:
...........
Blueberry :hug:
...........
Owl, it isn't too blunt, it is much appreciated. I've been blaming myself and it helped me disrupt that cycle of self-blame, so thank you. :hug:
Right now exploring a break with no demands isn't possible. Perhaps I could create that at home somehow.
..........
Things boiled over today and I spoke lots of words to my husband. A lot of things I've held inside came out.
It was somewhat productive as we had another conversation about a possible move.
We are both growing weary of where we live.
We talked about a possible new location. It is a place I have always wanted to live.
We tend to talk a lot about moving and never do. I think we are both more serious this time.
The thought of leaving makes my job situation a bit more bearable. I will need to do some thinking and planning and keep in communication with my husband.
I am reading a book called Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. There are many quotes that have resonated with me but this one especially did:
"That's the power of meaning. We can tolerate any suffering, if we know why.
And not knowing is, itself, a profound type of suffering."
I'm going to let this sink in more yet wanted to record it here.
rainydiary, I am so glad to hear that what I said was okay, and even better than okay. This is huge that it's interrupted the self-blame. You are absolutely not to blame for the way people are treating you at work, I am so glad you can see that.
QuoteThe thought of leaving makes my job situation a bit more bearable. I will need to do some thinking and planning and keep in communication with my husband.
Knowing that leaving is a possibility means you're not trapped in that situation, and that is huge too. It will make coping in the meantime a bit easier :hug:
Owl, :hug:
...........
I'm not sure what to say today. I am feeling a bit better emotionally. My brain hasn't really stopped. I read something today about the system being rigged and acknowledged that I am in a rigged system. It doesn't matter what I do, it will never be exactly right for everyone. I hope to give my most challenging coworker less energy. I do intend to start documenting a lot in email because I want my side of the story out there.
Today I was wondering if on some level I didn't provide the best home care for my cat to keep the drama of the situation going to distract myself from my work situation. Even if that was at play, it didn't really work. It seems like her paw is better but I am afraid. I've given her a little more space to groom it and then freak out. I'm in the window her vet said was ok but since we haven't had success yet I don't trust that the outcome could be different.
I feel relatively calm right now so am going to rest in that for as long as I can.
Sending you some support to hopefully stttttrrrreeeetttccchh that period of calm just a little longer.
Armee, thank you. I think I was relatively calm last night. :hug:
..........
I didn't sleep well last night. Not only do I have a lot to do to start off the school year, but I am also continually feeling like I need to prove I am doing my job with my coworkers.
I feel a ton of pressure to grin and bear it. All I want to do right now is find a quiet space and get my work done. We have a ton of mandatory trainings that eat up time the next two days.
I think that today I am going to just care for myself. I will sit where I want to sit and communicate through email. Folks have taught me they don't care about me in that place so I am going to do what I need to do.
hi rainy,
Your idea of allowing yourself to work when, how and where you want is keeping your power with yourself. A very valuable attitude and strategy. I went through the prolonged stress you describe, and never learned that lesson.
:hug:
BeeKeeper, I appreciate your validation. My decision to do this was of course met with "Oh but we haven't seen Rainy all day" by my three most challenging colleagues. Well, I have sent emails and they were free to say "Hey can we talk in person?" But also, why must we always talk in person? Especially when my most recent conversations with those people in person have been so unpleasant. They didn't really need to see me, they just want control.
..........
As I write this, I realize how triggered I got at work today. I was ok when I was by myself. I went to the meetings I was expected to. I listened to all the usual BS. I called the union person I spoke to last week to get her ideas on my colleague that is a liar. I tried to keep my communication in writing because I need my side of the story documented as best as I can.
We get done with trainings and I find a space to work. All of a sudden my name is called over the intercom. I knew it had to be something with my challenging colleagues.
Walking into the room with them and the principal was deeply triggering. I could feel my heart beating and I didn't make eye contact with any of them except the principal. She says her piece and they all pretend like they are so nice and reasonable and we're just all going to have a great conversation on Wednesday. The one that I struggle with the most was like "Oh do you want me to show you your spot?" No I don't.
I ask to stay so I can talk to the principal. I wanted to know if they had come to her complaining. She said no, but.... I tried to express my current concerns. I also probably said things I shouldn't have. She kept telling me to assume positive intent (which I hate and don't with these folks). She kept saying she doesn't want me to start the year off so badly (which isn't her choice to make). I don't want to feel the way I do either but also it sucks when you try to speak and people silence you.
I go back and try to work and can't concentrate. I decide to call it a day and leave. As I'm leaving, I see one of the women that confronted me in May. She was like are you ok how was your summer? I told her the truth. I told her I've needed some space and will see them all on Wednesday.
Now I am home crying. I need to make dinner. I have a yoga training tonight. It at least is a presentation led by someone and doesn't require active participation from me. I hope to be able to settle tonight.
:hug:
Thanks San. :hug:
.........
So since I last posted, I realize that my cat's paw is better in some ways but still not ok. I called her vet and we will do a biopsy on Wednesday.
Wednesday is going to be a difficult day with my cat and with work.
I shared my work experiences with a friend and she suggested I speak to HR. I have thought of that but I am also afraid of it.
Hi Rainy,
I caught up on your journal and appreciate how self reflective and thoughtful you are about what's going on in your life. You seem like you're doing a great job navigating difficult things.
I've gone through a lot of problems with with work and don't have any easy answers. It took me a long time to realize that it's the environment and not me, but it doesn't make it any easier when I've had similar negative (bullying) experiences growing up and people turning a blind eye to what's going on, or ignoring it for their own (selfish I feel) purposes/survival. I guess what helps me now is that I've gotten to a place where I can just about see that I can make choices in my work environment and limit my exposure to them, and that it's not me, but it's still an incredible challenge and every day I want to retire.
Hope the vet visit with your cat goes well. They're such important little people in our lives :hug:
Dolly, I appreciate your words. It is helpful to know I'm not the only one that experiences this at work. It's unfortunate that so many do though. I am not hopeful the system would help me. If I speak up beyond the chain of command I've followed, it will be with the hope of improving the position for future professionals.
..........
I did not sleep well again. I woke up and my mind raced about work and my cat. The air quality in my city continues to be so poor I am having to adjust my workout routine which is also adding stress.
I am not able to find many moments of rest. Last night the yoga meeting I had focused on grief and I spent a lot of time crying.
I cried for my cat (as I am grieving her previous self that didn't require so many vet visits as well as the possibility that something is terribly wrong with her).
I cried because the air is so bad I can't go outside without feeling sick.
I cried because when I think about all of my work experiences in my life, none have been positive in the long run. I have always been a bit out of step with others.
I cried because I am tired and haven't figured out how to rest for long.
After that meeting, I read more in the book I am reading and there was a line that further made me grieve. It asked "When you were little, who held you when you cried?" I don't recall anyone. I recall crying and feeling alone by myself from a young age.
My husband and I continue to discuss a possible move. It's hard for me to think about that right now because so much else is going on.
rainy,
I'm so sorry you continue to be harassed at work. It's a big drain with little time for recovery, if at all.
QuoteI tried to keep my communication in writing because I need my side of the story documented as best as I can.
Excellent idea for a lot of reasons. And if you need more documentation, you can print out your journal. Save and back up e-mails too.
You're doing all you can.
BeeKeeper, I appreciate your support. It is a ridiculous situation and I am not the first to experience it unfortunately.
..........
I'm not even really sure what to say about today.
While driving to work, my car malfunctioned.
It is an electric car with a gas engine so it just shut down while I was waiting for a red light. Luckily I was close to home and was able to return it home and use my husband's car. We are really fortunate to have two cars and that he doesn't need his car much.
I need to get the car fixed and then I want to get rid of it. Things like this pop up often with it. It's been a pain since I got it.
I get to work and have an email from a district administrator asking if I could meet with her and her boss about what I am experiencing.
Her boss used to have her job and this person knows what I deal with because I told her in the past. She always gaslights me, so I'm not sure her being involved will be helpful. But whatever.
I think I need to have concrete things that aren't entirely about my feelings that I would like to see changed. It's hard to quantify, "I would like to not work with bullies."
I communicated with my colleagues about my stress with my cat and my car. I notice they gave me space today. I guess it was nice but experience has taught me they will find a way to retaliate.
Tomorrow is going to be a tough day because we have our meeting to talk about how we don't talk to each other very well. I will also be worried sick about my cat. I hate having her go under anesthesia. Today I cried multiple times anticipating that something will happen and she won't wake up.
I will say that I feel somewhat lighter in my body. I left work early (which I'm not really supposed to do but I did it anyways) and went to the gym to run. I ran hard. My legs were numb with pounding by the end (which I why I don't like running indoors but the air is still nasty). But it feels like I let a lot out through that run.
For now I am trying to enjoy some time with my cat. I am telling her how I care for her and that she is such a good cat. I am so lucky that she has been my cat. I hope that tomorrow will be something useful and not just another round of $ down the drain.
I slept a little better last night although I did wake up in the middle of the night. I could feel stress coursing through my body. I tried lots of things to calm down: accupressure, stretching, writing down all the thoughts, breathing, affirmations. None of those worked. A lot of thoughts also came up and connections made to that stress perhaps being from the past.
What did help me calm and finally go to sleep is reaching out and placing a hand on my husband. I realize how touch deprived I am as a human even in my marriage. I was able to go back to sleep for a bit. I had some really intense dreams but at least I was asleep.
What mostly kept me is up is how unable to enact change I feel. I felt so strong when I thought I was going to be supported at work.
Yet this pattern of being told one thing and that changing is almost a daily occurrence. Being told to speak up, then speaking up, and then having folks do anything but what I ask is also a regular thing.
Another thing that kept coming up was the space they have given me to work. It is basically in the closet of the woman who is most controlling's office. It makes me feel trapped and I think her intention of me being in there is to have control over access to me. I cannot find my way through that. The whole situation makes me feel unsafe. And yet, that isn't good enough for it to change.
I'm not sure what I am going to do. Today I am going to take my cat to the vet and I am going to go to work. I will do my best to be present but know I will be filled with anxiety over her. I may take tomorrow off to be with my cat but I don't know.
I'm sorry Rainy. That is so very cruel that of all places that is where they put you. :hug:
Armee, thank you. Today I told people at work that I am bothered by this space. Pretty sure it won't change but I intend to spend as little time there as possible.
..........
Owl, I thought I saw a message from you this morning about what I wrote. I appreciated what you said. I also appreciate that my experience might be really uncomfortable for many of us.
..........
I am worn out by today.
First my cat. Her procedure went ok but now I am left dealing with an uncomfortable cat with two bandages and wound sites with a cone on. I decided to call in sick for work tomorrow to stay with her (and also to give myself space). I have several more appointments just to care for the stuff they did today. I am supposed to hear biopsy results in 2-3 weeks.
Next work. I continued to sit where I wanted to sit with the exception of a few meetings. I was confronted about this today and told folks I am not comfortable in the space they gave me. This confrontation was all about trying to control the situation.
We had our big group conversation. Most of my colleagues spoke using toxic positivity and ableism. We all had a turn to talk. When it was my turn I spoke my truth which was drastically different from the tone.
I felt compelled to "compromise" during the meeting. The meeting ended with the people that tend to bully me feeling the need to get in a final word to feel in control. Of course they make it look like they are just "checking in" and "offering support." I have people I go to for support and it will not be them.
I am in a place of learning new things and using new skills and strategies. I can't really remember everything I said but it came from the heart. I didn't really feel heard but I stood up for myself.
Interestingly at the vet I ran into a new colleague. I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her. She told me she wanted to give me a high five for what I said which I appreciated.
I am exhausted and need to shower. I feel bad getting up as my cat has finally settled a bit on my lap.
Up very early today as my cat was unsettled and then peed outside her litter box. I think she is still a bit disoriented after yesterday and at least peed on something I am not attached to and not our bed.
I also notice that the bandage on her IV catheter site looks dirty and that it might have been bleeding. I'll call the vet when they open. I took the day off work today to care for her and right now she is sleeping on my lap.
My husband was also restless. Normally I wouldn't ask too much about why he couldn't sleep but I did and he shared his stress is about work. I think we are both in a place of needing some type change especially with work.
I hope to be able to call about my car today as I haven't had the chance to do that yet. I also thought last night how it would be if I just didn't go back to my job. I don't think I will actually do that but at this point?
Hi rainy,
with everything going on, there's a lot of stress to manage and juggle. I'm sorry that your cat has even more bandages plus the cone, which has to be **** for both of you. I did find an encouraging comment about running into your colleague:
Quotehe told me she wanted to give me a high five for what I said which I appreciated.
That may seem small and random, but who knows if there is a potential friend lurking somewhere
BeeKeeper, I appreciate your validation of all that is going on. It is a lot. And perhaps I will have an ally in this new colleague. I appreciate you pointing that out as I've been pretty stuck in my head that I don't see how I can continue working there.
..........
I have some small wins I want to call out.
Small win #1: Didn't need to go to the vet again today
I apparently was supposed to remove the bandage that was covering my cat's IV site. When I called about it they didn't seem concerned.
When I actually removed the bandage and saw that her leg was fine I was like "Oh." Perhaps the blood was from yesterday and I just didn't notice. But now we just have one bandage to worry about and while none of this is fun we have more of a routine around it.
Small win #2: My car's check engine light went off.
I still want to get rid of the car and it might be easier to do now that the light is off.
I want to drive it around my neighborhood to see if it comes back on.
Small win #3: My cat took the anti-inflammatory medicine they gave me on her own with her food.
Small win #4: It occurred to me that what is eating away at me a lot about work is that I simply don't feel believed about my experience.
Sure some folks listen. But then they invalidate me in the next breath. And continue to tell me I should remember that we all have a story and that I should assume positive intent. I don't dispute that we all have a story nor am I questioning the value of my colleagues. What I want to feel is that my experience matters. Right now it feels like nothing is done to address the causes of problems because we don't actually want or know how to deal with bullies and trauma in work places.
I know I can't stay in this job much longer. As BeeKeeper said, while I am there perhaps the person I saw at the vet will be an ally. Or perhaps I will request going part time and find another part time job.
Small win #5: I had some special moments with my husband this morning.
We both "woke" up (I think we were both not in a place of deep sleep anyhow) with our cat going around this morning. He said he was having trouble sleeping.
Later I asked him what is keeping him up. He shared work. I asked if there was anything I could to do support him. He said no and offered up why work is bothering him.
Then he made a comment about wanting a Starbucks drink. We had an interaction recently where I didn't understand that he was asking me for something because of the way it was said. Based on my response he said, "I was trying to ask ...." So now I know how to read some of his comments.
It's actually cool that we are both relying on each other differently than we have in the past. And it's becoming more mutual. I think our ways of asking can still be a bit abrasive to each other but we both grew up in homes where our needs weren't prioritized.
We were able to walk to Starbucks together this morning and share some time together.
QuoteBeing told to speak up, then speaking up, and then having folks do anything but what I ask is also a regular thing.
This resonates with me, Rainy. I used to work in a place that made a big thing about speaking up. They even made posters and flyers about it. But speaking up is one thing, having someone listen to what you say and act on it is another, and this was sadly lacking.
I'm glad you have some wins. :hug:
Snowdrop, it helps me to know you can relate. What is hardest for me is the standard I am held to feels different than others. :hug:
.........
When I took this day off I reported it is a sick day as opposed to a personal day since I would be caring for my cat and she is sick. It's interesting how that shifted my mindset in how I approached myself today too. I cried a lot today and it was very healing. I have been mentally and emotionally sick and needed a sick day.
Sometimes when I am in an EF, it feels like I have to get to the "bottom." I notice that as I am working through an EF, layers and layers and layers of things are touched on. I would say I have been dealing with the same EF or a series of EFs since May. And today I think I finally got to the bottom.
The realization that I want to be believed about my experience in my job really cleared my heart out. I'm tired of being told to see things a different way. It excuses things done my others that shouldn't be excused. I'm tired of the gaslighting. I accept now that others aren't going to honor this need of mine and can adjust my expectations accordingly.
Today I also tried to not be attached to things having to go a certain way. For example, for many months I have been working out in the mornings. In the spring, I was able to get my running done before work and prefer that if I can do it. But the air has been so bad and I can't finish my run before work, so I've been trying to be more accepting of the need to go after work and for dinner to be at a different time than I might like. It's going ok. It'll probably be harder as work gets going more. While routines aren't bad, I tend to rigidly hold onto routines for dear life in order to avoid life.
My husband and I planned a trip to the place we are thinking of moving. I am really excited. It won't be until November so hopefully whatever is going on with my cat will be figured out.
I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, but I find myself less emotionally reactive than I have been. I am worried about emails I'll have and how people will treat/speak to me...but I am on my way out of there and that feels good.
I have also decided to start doing the bare minimum. I do a lot of extra things that are important to me and that I think are helpful to others. Sometimes others will tell me those things help but at this point I just can't do it anymore especially as it seems most people don't care.
hey, rainy,
i have gotten to be a big lover of routines after living a gypsy life for so long. to me, it feels comfortable and safe to know/expect what i'm going to be doing, when, and how. i think they're also very soothing at times of disruption to our psyche. our weather is too hot right now for me to get into my routine of morning walks or workouts in the gym - it's left me feeling fatigued and lethargic, which has interrupted these seemingly simple accomplishments. it's very off-putting mentally and emotionally to me, and i can't wait till the weather settles down and i can return to some semblance of a routine.
i hear ya, my dear. this is temporary, i know that, and that's what i'm hanging onto. best to you with finding some semblance of peace of mind. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your words. I think routines are good overall. It is trauma informed to know what to expect. I notice in myself that I put a ton of pressure on things going a certain way and when they don't then having a lot of shame around that. Perhaps that isn't really the routine but something else.
..........
I am starting the day off tired and stressed.
Another night of interrupted sleep. My husband wasn't settled most of the night and there came a time where I could hear my cat rustling around. I got up to give her a break from the cone so that she could use the litter box and had hoped to fall back asleep after. That didn't happen.
The thought of going to work today does not feel good. I don't want to be there at all. I do want to see the students but otherwise that place is the main source of all stress I am currently feeling.
When I really think about what happened on Wednesday, I saw that I was the only one that was called to make changes to my schedule to accommodate others. It is personal and it is targeted. I feel a lot of stress over my schedule because so many "you can't do this, you can't do thats" have been thrown at me.
I cannot succeed in that place. It makes me sad and it is a heavy burden to carry.
Hi rainy
QuoteI was the only one that was called to make changes to my schedule to accommodate others.
This makes me so mad! The forum doesn't allow expletives but that's what I wanna say!
hey, rainy,
personally, my opinion is that we are taught to be ashamed - it's not a natural feeling when we're born, so it must come from someplace besides ourselves. i think you might have the spark of a realization when you said it might be something else that's causing the shame, not the routine itself.
if you can or want to, imagine us holding up ends and sides of that burden so you don't have to carry it alone. we're here for you. love and hugs :grouphug:
BeeKeeper, me too...and it got worse today. I will share more below.
.........
San, I agree that shame is taught in small moments of how others react to us. I like the image of being held up. I'm going to need it more moving forward.
.........
I got to work today and expected some email acknowledgement of what I expressed on Wednesday. My email was suspiciously quiet.
I am sitting working and the principal comes down and asks if I can meet with her. I go to meet with her.
In ultimate gaslighting fashion, the concerns I've been raising are now being put back on me.
The principal stated that she is "worried about me." She claims to be worried about me as a person but kept bringing up her concern of how I would interact with students. She told me she called HR to ask what options I might have and that I could take a medical leave if I needed to. She continues to tell me how everyone has a story and basically I need to understand I am not the only person with needs.
Given that I was expecting something like this, I maintained eye contact and calm. I could tell the situation called me for "faking it" as I do not want to be fired or accused of something that isn't true (which it sort of sounds like I am). But the implication that I wouldn't manage my feelings in interacting with students is deeply insulting.
I told her expectations have been made very clear and I will do my best to meet them. I said things I know she wants to hear but in a way that doesn't make me feel like I sold my soul. But also I don't buy that she cares about me and my well-being. If she did, she would actually address the underlying issues I have shared instead of gaslighting me and accusing me of being a liability. Also, she is covering her butt by calling HR which is some real bull. I think it is also partly because I told someone that my assigned workspace is triggering my trauma.
I am pretty disgusted by the way I'm being treated. The entire system is rigged so I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone in this organization. Apparently I am a liability for speaking truth.
I shared what happened with the union person I've been speaking with. I have lowered my expectations of myself. I have sat where they expect me to sit some of the day. I have to go back to surface level conversations with most people here. And if it gets any worse, I will quit.
I hope that everyone I've made uncomfortable feels better for "getting me in trouble." I haven't done anything wrong and am tired of my story being shaped by jerks.
The effects of the gaslighting are setting in.
I am blaming myself.
I feel terribly alone.
I feel like I have messed up badly.
I feel under a microscope.
I feel hurt.
I am sure there are many things I could have approached differently. And yet I don't think I am imagining how one sided this all feels. The message is: Rainy you are the problem.
You are making others uncomfortable
Your body language isn't pleasing to me
Why do you keep pushing this?
*sigh*
gaslighting sucks so bad. to my mind, one of the worst parts of it is the self-doubt and confusion that are bred in our minds. i'm so sorry you're going thru this - it sounds totally toxic to me. sending love and a hug filled with strength to keep putting one foot in front of another. and, yep, we're helping you carry this. you're not alone. :grouphug:
San, thank you. Last night when my cat had woken me up and my mind inevitably began to go, I thought, "I can learn from this." They can have their expectations of me and I can take care of myself while learning.
..........
Last night a coworker that is often an ally but also a huge source of confusion for me texted me and basically asked "Why are you going to be out on Monday?" (the office sends out who will be absent each day). I only plan to be out an hour/hour and a half to take my cat to the vet (which did not come across in the communication from the office).
Her reaction made me realize others are going to freak....and that the principal and others probably thought my staying at home on Thursday was related to work. I stayed home on Thursday to support my cat in recovery. Sure work was part of it, but if my cat had been well I would have gone to work.
I don't have to explain why I take sick or personal days but felt compelled to make sure people knew I would only be late on Monday. I don't like this feeling of having to explain myself. And this will likely continue. Another sign of toxicity. The fact that I made plans with people and have the information available on my calendar is not enough.
As I mentioned to San, I realize that I can learn from this. In my recovery and healing journey, I have changed a lot inside. They can't see that. I can't control what will trigger me. Surprisingly that BS conversation with the principal didn't (that conversation hurt but I am in the present with that)...being asked why I am missing work did a bit. The colleague that asked is dealing with a child struggling with mental illness so I think her reaching out was more about her. And yet...*sigh*
What do I hope to learn from this? How I can advocate for myself at work while I am in an EF. Actually, I think I do do that just fine. My words tend to come out more blunt and straightforward when I am in an EF...and that makes people uneasy. I don't have the right to hurt others and if I have I would apologize. I haven't been given concrete examples of hurt caused, just general and vague comments that are essentially saying "You aren't being pleasing to others." Perhaps if I said the things I said in a sugary sweet way with a lot of euphemism it would go down easier. But I can't do that.
In my heart I don't see that I've hurt anyone with actions other than telling the truth or taking care of myself which aren't personal attack on others. I'm pretty angry that all their little digs and disrespectful actions have added up to pushing me to this point and then telling me I'm not "meeting them halfway" and possibly not fit to interact with students.
So maybe what I hope to learn is how to still care for and about myself when things are difficult. How to still believe and love myself when others are gaslighting. If I can, leave a job sooner when it is so toxic (although my experience is that this is kind of how it is in education which makes me sad for children). How to be kind to myself and allow myself to feel the pain of what is happening. And to remember that I am an adult, not a child stuck with a family I can't get away from.
I am worn out today. Saturdays are still my long run day. The run today was very long and hot. I am feeling really worried about the actual event I am training for. I'm worried I won't be able to finish. My husband made a good point - I can go as far as I can and stop when I need to.
I am still feeling hurt by work. All I could hear today was the principal saying "You said, you said, you said" and throwing all the things I've been saying in my face with a tone I don't know how to put into words. She was kind of exasperated and half laughing like "can anyone believe this?" I can see that she was uncomfortable and I've pushed her limits. But it sucks because I know what she was doing and it hurts. I am not sure how to act anymore and feel like I will be watched more closely. The pressure of it all is getting to me.
Last night when I inevitably woke up because of my cat, my brain was going and I had the thought, "I can learn from this." I also realized today during running that I still don't love myself very well at work. I only see myself through the eyes of others. I hope to find a way to focus on something good about myself each day.
I'm upset too because I often find myself in this place in jobs. I don't know exactly how I got here other than I operate from a different place than others. I hate that I feel taken advantage of and like a dumping ground for others. And now that I am standing up for myself I am being punished.
I hope to get some sleep tonight. My cat has been more annoying at night. She goes to the vet on Monday for her bandage to be changed. I am worried they are going to judge me in that she has licked the areas on her legs where they shaved her. I have just felt out of my depth with her for months and I feel terrible. There is no end in sight with this and I am tired.
I had a relatively undisturbed night of sleep which is helpful. My cat was more settled and my mind didn't race as much. I am still up somewhat early but I'll take it.
As I sit here in the quiet of the morning, I am noticing that I am thinking about the number of people telling me they care and they want what is best with me while also meaning something else. It reminds of growing up when my parents would identify their harsh behavior as being necessary because they love me.
I think these types of comments are more reflective of the other person than me. Perhaps they do/did want to help me but they lose their way. I also think that what I really need/needed help with is caring about myself which none of these folks can/could teach me because they don't care for themselves.
I got sunburned on my run yesterday which makes me feel lousy. I haven't gotten a sunburn in a long time. It makes me edgy now because I am at risk for skin cancer and my doctor tends to get edgy with me about my skin. All I can do now is care for my skin currently and keep an eye out for any changes and be more mindful of those spots in the future.
I hope to be gentle with myself today. I have a difficult road ahead. I hope that I will return to the present in my mind and body as much as I can.
rainydiary, I'm sending support and care :hug:
I've had to deal with very long-drawn out pet illness before and often felt bad because I couldn't keep up to the vet's or my own expectation of care. So I can relate.
The situation at your work-place reminds me of what I go through with my ll. I've thought that several times while reading your Journal. I know it's really hard. I wish there was a magic wand, but there isn't unfortunately.
I hope too that you can be gentle with yourself today.
Blueberry, your words meant a lot when I read them earlier today. It helps me to know I am not the only one dealing with a long term pet illness. My heart is breaking over this as I can't let my cat be a cat to try to help her heal...and yet we don't know what we are trying to heal. I appreciate the chance to read about your LL experiences as it helps me feel less alone.
.........
Today is proving to be relatively chill. I am processing a lot of feelings and able to rest (or what counts as rest for me).
My husband and I watched this documentary on Netflix about a fight between two US basketball teams and fans in the early 2000s. In these stories, I recognize fellow trauma survivors. I don't know why watching this helped me see examples of people most likely living with CPTSD struggling live for all to see with the same situations I am. It made me realize that anyone can get caught up in a situation where individuals with more power will use their power against others.
This week I hope to try out identifying things I love about myself. Today I love that I am resting. Tomorrow at work I plan to focus on loving myself for showing up.
Sending you thoughts of strength, self compassion and a nice protective bubble for the work week Rainy.
rainy, I have been away so just coming back to the forum today. I just wanted to respond about my post - I was concerned that maybe my response would be distressing to you and I was unsure if it was helpful. It wasn't there for long, but it sounds like you saw it anyway. I'm sorry you're in such a bad work environment and how awful they are treating you.
I hope your cat is doing a little bit better each day. I hope you can manage to not take things too much to heart at work. They are just bullies there and you won't be able to change them, no matter what you do. The best thing you can do is see through their tactics and focus on having compassion for yourself and for the parts of you that these bullies hurt.
Armee, thank you. I loved myself for showing up today at work and now that folks are getting busier it is a bit easier to find some space for myself.
.........
Owl, no worries. I wasn't upset by your post and appreciate you thinking of my experience. I appreciate your words and support.
..........
I am in a relatively ok place today.
I have accepted that my cat is going to wake me up earlier than I care for her too and so am finding it easier to sleep as long as I can. My nights have been less interrupted by own brain.
I took her to the vet for a check in on the sutures in her paw and to re-bandage her paw. She was in and out relatively quick.
That is good news but I am (and she is) so tired of this. I take her back on Friday for her sutures to be removed and I think they will wrap her paw for healing. This isn't even actually addressing whatever is going on. Still waiting for the results of her biopsy.
I didn't want to go to work but was proud of myself for showing up. I had some difficult moments - my internet connection kept dropping on a virtual meeting where was my presence was very much needed and a situation I shared with others was immediately escalated to a superior. In the past both of these would have activated my ICr and derailed my day. In both situations I asked the main person for feedback through email and moved on.
I am learning to lower what I expect of myself in a day. I did my best to be present in places where others have indicated they want my presence (even though I disagree). In some of those places I just saw dysfunction that others try to put on me but I see with my own eyes is present whether I am there or not. I have accepted that I won't have a desk to keep stuff at this year. I got by and even had some time to think.
I ran into the principal today and I think came across in a way she would find acceptable. I have accepted that the bullying won't be addressed and that I will leave my job in May with no remorse.
I think what is difficult to describe is that lots of small moments have added up and hurt me. Then there are systems in place that perpetuate people being allowed to treat one another in those small ways with no consequence. I don't like that but I am tired and need to care for myself.
I am not starting in a good place today.
My cat woke me up even earlier last night and I couldn't get back to sleep.
So then my mind starts going.
That is all I can get down right now.
:hug:
I'm wishing you a soothing day, Rainy, and a more restful night tonight.
Thanks Armee, I am still tired but my nervous system at least calmed down as the day went on. I appreciate your support. :hug:
........
Whew I made it to the evening and am currently relaxing with my cat and husband.
This morning I realized I am at a point where I am overwhelmed in all areas of my life and don't feel like I can get the rest I need because no where is restful.
I felt so angry at my cat this morning. None of this is her fault. I know she is only trying to find ways to make herself more comfortable and I feel a lot of shame that I can't help her. I used a harsher tone with her at points than I usually do and it hurts me that I did that.
I ran in my neighborhood this morning as it was dark when I started and I don't feel safe running on the trail in the dark. I was chased by two unleashed dogs in my neighborhood. I don't understand why my neighbors do this.
While I was running my thoughts just kept cycling and cycling and cycling. Our air quality is still not great and my whole run all I could think is that I am harming myself by being outdoors.
This morning I was reflecting on how I saw that someone I knew in college had a family member die unexpectedly while hiking. That made me feel ashamed for being wrapped up in the problems I am having. I do appreciate being alive and having the chance to keep trying. I think seeing the experience of that family member dying really impacted me in a way I wasn't expecting.
I shared with my husband that I am stressed and not doing well. When I left for work he came out to wave at me (which at first scared me because I thought something was wrong). Then he found a job he thought I would like. It was all really kind of him.
I had more student meetings today which helped. They are my reason for being there. There is still a lot of other stuff going on. I'm trying to not react as much to it. There is something weird going on beneath the surface especially with my most challenging colleague. My opinion is that the deep down truth is she hates her job and is trying to bring everyone down to her level.
Well I hope to get more sleep tonight. Tomorrow I am expected to work late so my sleep will continue to be impacted.
Oh gosh I relate to what happened with your husband this morning! I remember panicking that something was wrong a couple months ago because he came out and stood in the driveway when I pulled in. He was just helping me unload groceries. :stars:
Being overwhelmed by everything is really really hard. I've slowly been learning when that happens something has to give.
I really also relate to the cycle of thoughts and what really stuck out to me was this:
QuoteThis morning I was reflecting on how I saw that someone I knew in college had a family member die unexpectedly while hiking. That made me feel ashamed for being wrapped up in the problems I am having. I do appreciate being alive and having the chance to keep trying. I think seeing the experience of that family member dying really impacted me in a way I wasn't expecting.
.
I noticed a couple years ago that anytime a strong feeling would come up (like just normal grief about something sad)...in just a split second my brain would turn the narrative into something that was wrong with me (like you feeling guilty or ashamed for being wrapped up in your problems). I did this automatically and not consciously with any strong pure emotion. What it did was turned the emotion from one that was overwhelming (sadness or anger or hurt usually, for me) into something I could deal with and fix...something wrong with ME. I'm a bad person and need to try harder to fix myself. Food for thought...why did news of your friend's family member dying turn into something bad about you?
thank goodness for kindness. i'm so glad you have some in your life even while the rest of everything is overwhelming you. keep taking care of you, rainy, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Armee, I appreciate your connection too with husbands being kind and it feeling like danger. I'm honestly not sure yet what was so upsetting about that individual dying. What is coming to mind first is that his family initially posted he was missing and they were hoping for his safety. I had a bad feeling the outcome wouldn't be as good because hikers going missing in our area often result in really bad news. I think imagining what they were going through and how difficult that must have been really caught my heart. Loss is something I expect and have experienced so much so I think any loss even outside of myself feels heavy.
.........
San, I appreciate your support and reminders. Today has been a little harder to care for myself but I am doing my best.
.........
I am writing this while waiting for Back to School Night to start. I really detest this event and ones like it - I am expected to be here even though it makes no sense for me to be. The all or nothing mentality of how we are treated is super annoying.
Today I heard from my cat's vet with preliminary biopsy results. The results indicate some type of allergy or environmental cause which the vet said could be food related. That really stood out to me - this all started when she was switched to a kidney diet. So it seems that she is having an allergic reaction to her food. Hopefully we can switch her food out this Friday when I take her to have her sutures removed. This overall made me feel relieved because this seems like something easy to adjust.
I decided to apply for the job my husband found. His friend works for the company and shared that they have been interviewing individuals and so I might be entering the process too late...but I tried and now know I can seek out opportunities like this.
Work is still challenging but the new colleague I ran into at the vet is already experiencing things I've experienced over the past several years and she has been here like a week. This validates me and makes me feel better. It isn't me.
Well I hope this evening goes ok and that I am able to go to sleep easily when I get home. My cat woke me up again at 2:30 am but I was able to go back to sleep for a bit today.
rainy,
probably small comfort, but just the same:
QuoteThis validates me and makes me feel better. It isn't me.
Applying for another job is a great way to handle everything. :thumbup: I like your spirit!
Healing thoughts and figuring out what the allergy is sooner rather than later with your beloved cat.
Oh wow your perseverance is going to help your kitty get better...now you have a possible answer and can make it better hopefully. I know having your cat better would really be a huge relief and mental load taken off.
I'm sorry your new colleague is already feeling the toxic behavior at work. It does show it's not you. Hold onto that.
Im so sorry for the loss in your circle and how painful that is for you. When I asked about the death affecting you I meant how it went from something sad (a very reasonable emotional response) to you feeling ashamed about yourself. You dont need to answer, of course, but it really struck me that your reaction was shame. It struck me because I have those same reactions and they serve the purpose of keeping me from feeling stuff other than shame and self-hatred and fear, which I rock like a champ.
QuoteI saw that someone I knew in college had a family member die unexpectedly while hiking. That made me feel ashamed for being wrapped up in the problems I am having.
BeeKeeper, thank you. I've also been sitting in a spot that is mine but isn't and it is near the rooms where social studies are taught. Almost every teacher has come in and said hello. My team often implies that I am not friendly........my interactions with these teachers makes me see it isn't me but them.
..........
Armee, I appreciate the clarification. I think shame came up as it does in comparison. I feel shame for being overwhelmed by my cat and work when people experience loved ones dying unexpectedly. My experience is still important and comparing these things doesn't make sense.
.........
I'm not sure about this day. Not enough sleep again because of the cat and my schedule. She goes to the vet tomorrow and I hope we can make steps toward being done with the cone.
I focused on my needs at work today and worked in the space that is and isn't mine. I was glad to be in here today because a student I am familiar with was injured and needed help. I was able to do my best to support him.
I am looking forward to going home. I hope to relax with my cat and enjoy the evening. I am still trying to figure out my next steps. I feel like I need more rest before that will be possible.
Waiting at the vet. My cat is having sutures removed and hopefully I can bring home a different type of food for her. It's annoying to have a prescription diet because I can't easily get a new one without the vet's approval.
I called in for a bit of work today to bring my cat here. I really want to call in for the whole day. I know that today is going to be annoying. I also want to spend time applying for jobs in the town my husband and I want to move to. But I think it would be best to go to work once the vet is done and brace myself for the annoying parts.
The vet removed her bandage and said her paw is healed. They gave me permission to stop using the cone. I haven't been able to get new kidney food yet as I have to order online.
I decided to stay home with her as she does have some bare spots on her hind leg that she is over-licking. I also wanted to stay home to care for myself.
I plan to do some work on my resume and apply for jobs at colleges in the area I want to move to. I am also going to make a cake for my husband's birthday.
I am feeling really emotional today. I am thinking about the students I work with, especially the seniors. I would love to see them graduate in May but am not sure I can mentally hang on in my job until then. I am sad at the thought of leaving them. And yet I would want them to take care of themselves in the future if they ever got into a situation that wasn't good for them. They are a part of my heart which is why when my colleagues are such jerks to me it hurts that they don't see how much I care for the growing humans we are educating.
Hi Rainy Diary,
Glad to hear that your cat's paw is healed, and that you and your cat are having some time at home today. You mentioned feeling really emotional today, and I could hear the care you have for your students. I wanted to send you a hug of support, if that's ok :hug:
I hope your husband's birthday cake goes well. You are very thoughtful to do that for him.
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate your words and support. :hug:
..........
I got a full night of sleep for the first time in so long. I am disoriented today as a result. My cat seems ok but I am experiencing anxiety that she will relapse. She seems more content to be left to herself.
It feels like a new world today. My husband is getting really into our idea of moving to a new city. I applied for some jobs outside of my current field in the new city. Job searching can take a while and since I am seeking outside of my field, I am not sure what to expect.
My husband and I both told our parents of our plans. Both sets are unsupportive in passive aggressive ways. I have come a long way but the disapproval and disappointment of my parents still stings. I hope to find a way to move past that because this isn't their choice. This is a choice my husband and I are making for ourselves.
I feel disoriented in general. I think a new start in a new city is what is needed. But for now it is making due with what I have where I am.
Regardless of what happens with a move I'm so happy you and your H ate making plans together and feel on the same page.
Armee, thank you, it feels good to be on the same page and to be making plans together in a common direction.
..........
I'm feeling ok but not ok. I have had a good weekend with my husband. The thought of this week is what makes me not ok. And also worry that my cat's paw will get worse again (even though it does seem like she is ok - the paw isn't showing redness and inflammation like before). For now I am giving my cat space to find her routine again and rest.
In terms of work, I really have lost all desire to show up. No matter what I do it will not be enough for some folks whose voices are heard over mine. That pressure is heavy. Right now I need the financial stability so that my husband and I can move.
I applied for more jobs over the weekend in the place we want to move. I am feeling incredibly vulnerable about it because I'm not sure I can get a job outside of my current field. One thing at a time. I will see if anything comes of these jobs I've applied for and then make plan B if I need to.
I mostly just feel stuck right now. I am going to try to feel ease the rest of today and deal with tomorrow when it gets here.
I think I feel relatively calm right now.
Getting more sleep is helping.
My hip has been extremely uncomfortable of late. A lot of it is running but that spot also tends to feel tension as a signal.
This morning I considered what that tension was telling me.
I recalled when I was a child being at the pool and a kid I knew trying to throw me in the pool. I did not want that happen and I resisted and resisted. In the effort, my hip was smacked on the side of the deck.
I also recalled all the jobs I've had beginning around that same time. I helped with swim lessons, was a babysitter, was a lifeguard, worked in a writing center, worked in an ROTC office, worked in healthcare IT, taught swimming lessons, worked for agency that supported adults with disabilities in their homes, and am a speech language pathologist.
In all of these jobs, I have felt like a fraud and in over my head. I have always felt separate from others and unable to connect or function or feel good in the way others did. I always manage to burn myself out and get on the "naughty" list of people that aren't "good" at their job for reasons I do not understand.
At the start of each week I set goals for myself. This week one of my goals is to show up for work each day. Just show up. Once I'm there things will go the way they will. Right now I need the income. I will do my best to care for myself especially since my school isn't doing much to protect against the virus that is still impacting so many.
hey rainy,
just sending a lot of support for all you're doing - planning to move, setting your goals, having taken such great care of both you and your kitty. so glad she's better.
i related to the idea of being out of sorts with colleagues when i worked as a therapist at a day school program. my approach was different than other T's there, my philosophy, my perspective. they worked in the residential section, and to me it was a very different therapeutic dynamic between them and their charges and me and mine. never saw eye to eye, and i was perceived by my supervisor as kooky and flaky.
if i may, i hope you stick to your guns and know that what and how you do what you do is the right way for you. i don't think you're the 'cookie cutter' kind (like i'm not) and we aren't always going to 'fit in', but that doesn't make us bad or wrong. keep having faith in yourself and your perspective, ok? love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate these words. That is exactly my experience - given my trauma history and perspective I do approach my work very differently than others and it is perceived as "wrong." I do my best to stay with what I believe is right and will continue to do so.
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Today is already proving more challenging than I anticipated.
I have been selecting where to sit for my well-being. I was approached by an administrator today and indirectly told I need to sit where I was assigned. I have pushed too far apparently.
I also feel even more like my colleagues are watching me. That is based on that feedback I was given and that we were all asked to provide a copy of our schedules.
None of this feels ok to me. I don't think I am imagining that all of this is somewhat targeted to me.
I'm not upset per se but each day I feel less and less willing to work here. My goal of showing up each day will be difficult. At this point I know I will be quitting and need to just do enough to keep my job. Really it seems nothing I do will be considered right but I can do my best to show that I am responsive to feedback.
I think the injustice of all of this is what eats at me. I have been bullied and bullied and bullied and yet am the one being punished for doing what I can to take care of myself.
Hi Rainy,
I've been reading but not posting. Just wanted to give you a huge :cheer: for the possible move, the commitment to live your life separate from your parents and in-laws wishes. It's a lot to rise above and keep on track. The work situation sounds horrible, but I think you've dealt with it in a healthy way. You're still showing up, still being responsible and still planning your exit. I'm glad to hear that you and your husband had a good weekend.
Bee, thank you for the :cheer: and support. I'm not feeling great right now but know I am moving in the direction I want to.
..........
I am feeling deeply sad and hurt and ashamed.
Work gets worse and worse.
I am trying so hard but am in a broken system.
It makes me feel so badly about myself. I feel like I have done something dreadfully wrong.
I am doing a training for yoga and a question today asked was how can I change my relationship to what is happening?
I keep thinking I find an answer to that and then work ups the ante.
i don't think you've done anything wrong. in fact, i think you've done a lot right to have survived and made it this far, to have such introspection, and to keep moving forward step by step. to my mind, that's a lot of 'right'. i wish work would not be so horrible for you. we are here, with you and for you. lean on us if you can. love and hugs :hug:
San, thank you. :hug:
..........
I had a bad stomachache last night and woke up as a result. Sometimes eating popcorn does not agree with me and that happened.
In reflecting on my time in my job, I can see how the actions of my colleagues are way more about them than me.
But CPTSD complicates it. They do not understand that each time they do something to question or control me it goes to a very deep and old place within me.
In reflecting on myself, I do see that I am not being triggered by them as I have in the past. There is a part of me that is angry and is keeping me in the present. This is a time for me to learn.
I find my colleagues and their lives sad if this is how they feel they need to treat another person. I wish I didn't feel as hurt as I do but I hope one day to be able to fully see this isn't about me.
I applied for another job last night before going to bed. I don't want to overdo it with applications. I am considering getting licensure in the new state. I know I could get a job in my current field. I think I need to wait some and let some of the processes I've entered play out a bit.
I am going to run soon and then go to work. Reminding myself my goal is to show up.
yeah, cptsd always complicates it. i'm glad to see you are understanding more that it's about them rather than you. sending love and a hug filled with support. :hug:
San, CPTSD certainly colors everything. I appreciate your support. :hug:
.........
For the time being I think Tuesdays will be my favorite day. I see my most favorite students and am able to get out of the terrible workspace I've been bullied into using.
Today I was able to talk more with the lady who is new and is experiencing the things I've experienced. She and I didn't get to talk as much yesterday and I felt really alone. Today we talked more and it helped.
It's still hard to be there. I saw my most challenging colleague go into the office today and all I could think is "what have I done now?" I didn't get told off by anyone today so I will take it.
I should have time to take it easy tonight. I think that will help a lot.
I was reflecting on my day and remembered something I wanted to record.
I am aware how many students I work with feel safe enough in our work together to be their true selves and to share hard truths too.
It warms my heart to see students I work telling their teachers what they want (even if the teachers are jerks about it) and sharing their stories with me.
I hope to hold on the feeling I got today when students told me and showed me their truth.
It made me wonder if something about my presence puts others in a place of showing their true colors including the uglier side as my colleagues are.
I don't want to lose my unique approach to my work. I think it is needed and valued by my students. I hope it helps them in the long run.
rainy, it sure sounds like your unique approach is working well for your students. i believe you are able to allow them to feel comfortable and safe. i don't know how old these students are, but feeling those 2 things around adults, especially adults in a position of authority, takes a very special approach and sends out a 'vibe' that they can count on. it encourages trust, which is very hard to come by. keep up the good work, my dear. you've given your students something special that they will always remember and it will continue to encourage them even after they're done and gone.
sending love and a hug filled with :yourock:. :hug:
Hi RainyDiary,
Sorry to hear about the toxic work environment you're in. I've been in a few of those. Not fun! But it's good to read in your earlier post that you aren't as affected by the toxicity as you used to be. Sounds like your healing is in progress. Moving forward. That's the goal. To feel better and stronger today than we did yesterday, or last month, or last year.
It's heartwarming to read that you connect with students who trust you. To me connection is a synonym for love. Mother Teresa used to say "Love not put into action is only a word." If I replace the word love with its synonym, then "Connection not put into action is only a word."
You said you wonder if there's something in your presence that puts others in a place of showing their true colors. I believe the answer is yes.
I believe that those of us who are Fawn Types in the CPTSD spectrum have a level of empathy that others can sense--as if by radar. Empathy is the ability to connect with others through similar experiences. Empathy is real and some of us use it to draw people together for healing and support. Just being who you are attracts people to you. Your honesty and openness give them a safe connection to be honest and open also. In my opinion that's something to be proud of. You aren't using your difficult past to make their lives difficult too, you're using your difficult past to make others' lives better.
I'm not a religious person, but I believe that if there's a heaven it's for people who use their lives as a tool to help others feel valued, equal and connected. If there's a H**l its for those who use their lives as a weapon to try to make others feel less valuable, less important, or isolated.
Your post is uplifting. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
San, thank you. These students are high schoolers so around 14-18 years old. I have come to appreciate what a uniquely challenging time that is in an individual's life. I hope I offer things that will help them in their life. :hug:
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Papa Coco, I appreciate your words and reflection. Language is such a cool thing in that we have words that describe nuances and variation and are intertwined. I do think some of the negative reaction I am getting is that I used to Fawn a lot at work. Lately I've intentionally Fawned just to smooth things over...but I think some folks miss being able to push me around like they used to. I have some experiences from today to reflect on below. I appreciate your words and support.
..........
Today has been something. Not necessarily bad just heavy and I am tired. Wednesdays are typically my hardest day for a number of reasons.
The most recent weird thing that happened today is related to my husband and in-laws. My husband approached me when I got home to say his parents "invited" us to a concert in November in our current city. This concert is on a Wednesday night. My chest is a tight writing this because just the thought of them and this "invitation" are annoying to me.
Surprisingly, my husband said "I plan to tell them you can't go because of work." He is being very cool about my need for boundaries with them. He is correct, I have no interest in going to a concert in November on a Wednesday night with his parents.
I am feeling anxious about this "we're coming to your city" in this way. I think it is a reaction to my husband telling them we are moving even farther away from them and the fact that he has really shifted his relationship with them. I put "invitation" in quotations because anything they are initiating comes with a catch.
Work today was interesting. During a meeting I was expected to rearrange my schedule for, the colleague I have the most trouble with on a day to day basis started crying and ran out of the room because of some direct statements I made. It was ridiculous. She is rude to me and to others on a constant basis and then cries when it thrown back at her.
I don't doubt that her job is hard. I know it is. But her way of managing the difficultly of it is to lie, blame others, micromanage, control, and be toxically positive. I tried to initiate a conversation after she started crying and asked her after the meeting if we needed to check in. She said no and that is all I can do.
I have found an ally at work. That is helping a lot. She is experiencing the same things I am with this person and others. She is assertive and willing to speak up. I am hoping that her voice will be heard and confirm things I've been trying to say.
Processing my day a bit more. My colleague crying is still on my mind.
She met with the person I find to be my ally and also cried in that meeting. She told that person she "doesn't know how she comes across." :no:
I find her behavior so frustrating. And I think it is all eating at me now because I worry she keeps "telling" on me and my ally as we both keep getting called out by administrators for things. It's like "how about you call out this person we are telling you is causing all this trouble?"
Things are shifting and they can either shift in a good direction or not.
good luck with that shift, rainy. i do hope it goes in a pos. way.
the students i worked with were also adolescents. i absolutely love that population! i remember being told in grad school by another student that adolescents and addicts were the two most difficult populations to work with, the success rate is low, and there's no money there. i found them challenging at first, but once i broke thru, there was no stopping them as far as trusting me, seeking me out, and feeling safe. it sounds like you've gotten thru in the same way. to me, it was one of the best feelings in the world.
so glad you found an ally - i hope that helps both of you. i had one as well, at the time, and it made all the difference, helped me feel more confident in my approach.
sounds like you also have an ally in your hub. so very glad for you. keep taking care, ok? love and hugs :hug:
San, thank you. I also really enjoy working with adolescents. I had always worked with preschool/elementary aged students and was nervous to work in a high school. I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning in my approach but overtime have come to really appreciate this age. I think that because a lot of folks are nervous to work with adolescents they might not get the love they still need from us.
I also do appreciate how much my husband and I have grown together.
..........
I'm not feeling my best right now. I'm worried I am sick. I have been wearing a mask most of the time at work. Given that I am stuffed in a small room/closet with 6 other people at work, I wouldn't be surprised if I am sick. I'll see how I feel in the morning and decide what to do from there.
I don't have much to say about this day. I knuckled under and am just doing the bare minimum. I do my best to give all I can to students. But my work conditions and my desire to continue to work in this place have gone way down.
I am working toward a way out but that doesn't change right now. I have almost reached my goal of showing up for work each day. I don't want to show up tomorrow if I am sick.
This day has had some real rough spots and I am ending the day with pretty low esteem.
Nothing went particularly wrong. I do feel I ran my mouth a bit more than I should have at work. It was mostly in private (well relative private) with people I trust. I did speak about something that happened in a stairwell and worry my voice carried.
Yesterday I was asked to do a self rating of a rubric that is used in my employee evaluation. I am convinced that my evaluator is going to rate me low on some things given what has been going on. This makes so mad. It hasn't happened yet but I am mad at the thought of it.
My workspace is making me so unhappy. Today someone shut off the lights in the room which shuts off the lights in the space I am in. I heard too many conversations that I think should be private. Every loud video or song or whatever that is played in the classroom the space is inside is heard. It is not a good space to work. I plan to start going to the library to work since "there is no space."
I got home and my husband was talking to me about his work. He is a manager and when he speaks about employees and their struggles, I began to take it really personally. I ended up losing my temper with him because he hasn't been particularly helpful around the house. And his parents have been in my business more than usual on social media.
All of these gripes and underneath I feel like a terrible person. I think a part of me feels like I could have prevented all this. And yet I couldn't. I've been pushed and pushed and pushed and I finally pushed back and things changed. I also feel like I cannot be a good employee.
I would also say another thing bothering me is a student I work with disclosed physical abuse to her teachers. I am so proud of her for speaking up but seeing her at school is impacting me. She is clearly not in a good place and no one is really giving her understanding I think a fellow survivor could give. Still expecting her to show up and "do school" when she is clearly triggered. Her situation feels parallel to mine in many ways in terms of my past and what I am dealing with currently.
I am hoping to get to bed early as I am supposed to run tomorrow.
I didn't sleep so well last night and am having trouble finding motivation to get ready for my long run.
Last night I ended up crying when I realized how much I have been bothered (and have probably been in an EF) by the experience with the student I know.
I work with a few students that I feel an especial kinship to because I know they experience abuse. The systems in place for dealing with that (calling Child Protective Services, supports at school, suggesting they go to support groups) are inadequate. It is extremely painful to be in a situation you can't really escape from and I see their future colored by CPTSD.
The three students that come to mind have all said or done something that I immediately recognize as trauma response and the reality of living with harmful families.
The two things that often haunt are when these students say or do the following :
They say: "I can tell by their tone/face I will be in for it later."
They do: Parent openly being critical of student in a meeting, student clearly in freeze
(last year when we did our meetings over Zoom and families were in their home versus meeting us at school was very eye opening)
When I bring these moments up to my colleagues (especially the school psychologists), they have canned responses or interpretations of what is happening that break my heart. They do not get it.
Last night I cried for these students and how speaking up and sharing your experience doesn't feel like it helps. That student shared that her parent is physically abusing her yet as far as I know she is still going home to that and now CPS is involved which may or may not make things "worse."
It weighs heavy on me that I have speaking up more for myself in the past several months and many things feel worse. I feel like that trapped child. The truth is I could quit and not go back. I'm not sure what I am trying to prove by continuing to voluntarily put myself in this situation. I need the income and I enjoy my students and that currently is why I go.
What feels worse is the response of others. It hurts that they act like I am in the wrong and it makes me question myself. I'm sure there are things I could do in different ways in the future. But it hurts when people do things that are harmful and then when I stand up to that they refuse to reflect on what they have done to contribute. And they don't understand what happens inside of me.
I often wonder what trauma these folks have experienced that has led to their need to control and create scapegoats and operate in secrecy and appear so heartless. They tell themselves they are doing this "for students" but it is a protective measure and it is also mean.
I wonder if I could create a new story I tell myself right now. My story would be about the courageous and strong heroine that faces her past and present demons each day in order to create safe spaces for children that really need it. My story wouldn't need to understand or explain why others are behaving the way they are because, no matter how hard my inner critic tries to convince me it is my fault, that isn't about me.
This will give me something to think about my run.
:hug: :hug: :grouphug:
i love the idea for your story, rainy. i hope you continue it. it sounds inspiring and uplifting.
i have gone thru a long period in my life where i was full of self-doubt (especially professionally) because of the words and actions of others, their 'canned' responses to problems i saw as needing a specific kind of action. i relate to so much of what you've written, the population you work with, and how you're treated by your colleagues. it totally sucks. may i encourage you to stick with your perspective and your way of caring. i find it refreshing, admirable, and on point. they don't get it, indeed! but, you do. the consequences of that is the trust that has been fostered in the kids with whom you work, how they steer themselves toward your presence, and how they feel safe enough to reveal their own truths to you.
i know that those kids will take your way of being with them into the future. you may not see it right now, but your words and actions have made an impact on them and they'll remember you. you have provided a much needed service to youth by being genuine. i'm behind you all the way - i just wish you didn't have to do this in the midst of a bunch of . . . well, insert your favorite noun there. i've also struggled with colleagues on a emdr forum - 1000's of therapists from all over the world, and have still run into the exact same problem. we are courageous to speak our truths and stand by our beliefs. they just don't get it, either, most of them. all we can do is what we know. sending love and a hug filled with continuing courage and strength :hug:
Bach, I appreciate the :hug:
..........
San, thank you for your words. I am sure I will read them again at some point. What I know is that I trust myself with students and I do what I know is right for them. I appreciate all that you shared.
..........
I ran 24 miles today. It was challenging and I cried at the end.
While running my thoughts began with work. In my mind I say all the things I want to say but won't actually say. I am still blaming myself. I am still taking all responsibility for the actions of others. I hope to find ways to ease up on myself.
The longer I ran, the more other memories came up. Memories of friendships I tried to make with crushes. I approached it so oddly with notes and letters and intensity that brought a lot of negative attention especially from my parents.
I began to hear and feel the pressure from my parents to not be a quitter as I contemplate quitting my run and quitting my job and quitting the town I live in.
It also amazes me that I can stay motivated to run so far and yet still feel so angry and sad and hurt and broken inside.
I will be pretty worn out for the rest of the day. I hope to get to bed early. It's hard to enjoy my day after one of these runs. It takes it all out of me.
Hi rainy, I just caught up on your journal and want to say that I think you are handling things so well. It's a really tough situation to be in with work and family. I see everyone putting pressure on you to behave or do things that they want from you, as if you exist for them and are supposed to fulfill some kind of need. They really don't have that right. You are your own person with your own needs, and I see you taking care of yourself while being under immense pressure from others. Good for you. You know you won't be in the current situation forever, and you are planning your way out. I am so glad your students feel safe with you; even if you can't change their home situation directly for them, you are giving them something invaluable which is the knowledge that there are safe people out in the world to provide emotional support. Just being able to tell someone and not have to carry things by themselves is a big deal. I always found the worst of my experience was feeling so completely and utterly alone in the world, and what's helped me so much in healing has been learning that I don't have to be alone and I am not alone. It's hard that you can't fix things for them overnight, but you can offer support and guidance and hopefully once those kids graduate they can find their own way away from those harming them, knowing that they deserve to be safe. In getting support from you now they will have enough confidence or courage to take those steps.
I hope you've recovered from your run somewhat :hug:
hey, rainy,
a thought - i can see your decisions as ones of making moves that best benefit you, rather than simply 'quitting'. your job is filled with toxic people which is making your work environment untenable. the city in which you live holds neg. connotations for you. running is a very personal thing, a specific connection between you and your body, one that no one else could possibly guess at which point it is harmful to keep going. i guess i can see these situations as ones that quit on you, rather than you quitting them, if that makes any sense.
i can also see your decisions as being those of self-care. i think they're very brave decisions. i don't see you as a quitter - if you were, you certainly wouldn't be here on this forum struggling to figure things out in order to live a healthier life. sending love and a hug filled with self-confidence. :hug:
Owl, I deeply appreciate the words you shared with me. It is helpful to have your perspective and validation. I've been really stuck in my head and worry that I'm beginning to believe the version of events these folks are trying to push on me. I will try to carry the reminder with me that I am holding space and providing support for students.
..........
San, I appreciate your words as they help me reframe my thoughts. I will carry them with me this week.
..........
A lot of feelings today. I'm mostly tired. Tired of and from running. Tired of work. Tired of losing my passion. I napped today and had some rather intense dreams which surprised me.
Earlier today I was remembering a time of deep stress where my mom was trying to find a home for us when we moved. I don't remember a lot of details but her stress level and anxiety and confusion and worry during that time. I didn't realize I was carrying that with me.
I am feeling frustrated with the slowness of this time. I am waiting to hear from any jobs I applied to and given that I'm not sure these will pan out as they are outside my current field, I started applying for licensure in the new state. The bureaucracy of each state is at odds with the other. In time this all will sort out but it takes time and money and patience which is intensified by the continued challenges with COVID.
I think I also want my new reality to be here now and to not have to continue with now. I am waiting for more retaliation at work. It's tough because I am beginning to believe them that I'm not friendly or good at my job or worth much.
I think it will be difficult to establish a new narrative for myself right now. I am trying to learn as much as I can and take steps forward.
i say pooh on those people who cause you to doubt yourself. :thumbdown:
please, be patient with yourself, ok? adjusting to change takes time, and you have a lot on the horizon. love and hugs :hug:
San, thank you. I will do my best to be patient with myself. :hug:
..........
I am having trouble getting started today. I felt fine all weekend and wake up today feeling "sick." I know it is because I don't want to go to work.
I fear having an email waiting that says I need to meet with someone to talk about my demeanor. I fear that all this emotion I am feeling right now will boil over into actions that continue this cycle.
I took steps this morning to continue on my journey of licensure in the new state. I also did things go care for myself.
My husband and I often start the day together which has been a newer thing. I used to be the first one up and often wouldn't see him until I got home from work.
I didn't particularly enjoy him sharing that his parents are coming here in November for several days. But we have come far in that he at least told me and I didn't have a complete meltdown. I was also able to say I worry that they will give him a hard time about moving - he says they won't but my experience is that he doesn't often pick up on their communication. I included a comment on how I don't feel like my parents are being very supportive of our move and he had ideas of how I could frame it for them.
I will do my best today. Right now I can feel emotion pressing against my eyes and skull and chest.
I made it through the work day. But I am feeling very foolish.
The person I've found to be an ally doesn't want to engage in conversation the same way. I suppose she is a model for me of how to move forward, but I feel foolish for bringing up topics she now thinks are old news.
I messaged my massage therapist today to tell her my plans. She has been a huge support for me the past several years. It was hard to tell her I will be leaving.
I'm finding myself in a place where I want to withdraw and be alone. Moving and preparing to move wakes up very deep pain in me.
I spoke more with my ally today and yesterday. I can appreciate that she is a person that wants to move forward and think I can learn from. She offered up perspective some of which hurt my feelings but more of which is helpful. Her solutions are not necessarily mine but it was good to talk to her. I appreciate that I know where I stand with her and that she doesn't play games.
She mentioned that the coworker I have struggled with the most thinks that I am "brilliant." This annoyed me to hear. I was annoyed because that coworker has done hurtful things to me that I believe she knew exactly what she was doing and has given me and others the impression I don't know how to do my job for years. She has lied and been such a jerk - I don't buy that she "doesn't know how she comes across."
I don't have to justify my experience of why I find this person so difficult. I don't think my ally expects me to...but I also think she thinks I should handle things a certain way that don't resonate with me.
I was also annoyed because it is so easy to get pulled into thinking that things could be ok. This is why I've stayed in this job so long. Things get tense and then calm down for a bit and then they pull another stunt. It has happened time and time again in this job. And I am tired of it....but also tired of not being believed or made to think it isn't that bad by someone that doesn't know all the things I've dealt with.
I think that each day I continue to find ways in which I would like to move forward. I still think in the long run that creating my own business may be a good option for me. I'm not going to be able to carry out my visions while working for the vision of others.
:hug:
Hi Rainy,
I'm hearing in what you wrote a good number of red flags about how your Ally makes you feel. I feel a little trepidation about mentioning that. Just....listen in om what your body is telling you, K?
And I can 100% relate to feeling really icky about the compliment she relayed to you from your abusive coworker. It feels like that person may be trying to manipulate your new Ally into thinking that she is kind and innocent and you are just misunderstanding things. My mom would pull that stuff often to make herself look like the good kind one. I agree you are brilliant, but I don't trust abusive coworker's motives in sharing that with your Ally.
I think starting your own business sounds like a beautiful dream to pursue. I can tell how much you care about serving your students and it would be so beneficial to them if you could do that without having to subject yourself to harm or others telling you how to do your job.
:hug:
Armee, I appreciate you saying this as I do think there are red flags. This ally is supportive of my work and doesn't give me a hard time which I appreciate. However she is crossing boundaries about some things. I haven't asked her for advice or anything but she freely offers it. She is trying to get into leadership and I think she is "practicing" but it is really annoying. I think from now on I will keep our conversations related to our shared work as that is going fine for us.
..........
It's funny that just yesterday I was feeling like things were settling down at work and today my most challenging colleague (who apparently thinks I am brilliant) is at me again.
She has not spoken to me since last Wednesday when she cried because I gave her direct feedback. Today she was complaining about the other SLP helping me. That person is sick today so I was also expected to rearrange my schedule to accommodate something that I know isn't the arrangement they had made.
I contacted my fellow SLP and it sounds like this difficult colleague is using us against one another. She is totally playing games. We decided to meet together tomorrow and find time to talk to this lady to see if she will specifically say what we aren't doing.
It is so stressful.
stressful, indeed! i agree with all that armee said - red flags everywhere. one thought struck me, too. when you said things seem to calm down, then tension again, then calm, then a blow-up - it reminded me of the cycle of abuse. the blow-up, the calm afterward, the tension beginning again, and onto another blow-up. everything about that place and those people sound awful to me. and so very familiar, including your position within it all.
your own business really does sound smack dab on point. sending love and a hug filled with dreams coming true. :hug:
San, this is so much like an abuse cycle. I think that may be why for long I didn't resist much because that is what I know. But now that I have done some healing and growing it is time to move on. I appreciate the support of my ideas for my own practice.
..........
I saw my ally at the last period of our workday. We had a rough meeting this afternoon with the difficult coworker. This difficult person was outright aggressive and rude about a student that my ally is case managing. It was not a productive conversation.
At the last period of the day, my ally told me she spent time talking to a staff member that is charge of new hire induction. She was telling this person about her experiences and the staff member asked if she knew me. She basically was like "yeah this is like the stuff Rainy told me." So, the message I keep getting is people in charge know there is a problem and they refuse to do anything about it. :doh:
Then my ally felt the need to tell me that after I walked away from a table where we were all meeting this morning, my difficult coworker and her sidekick were openly mocking me with eye rolls and suggestive body language. I guess she reported this happening to the staff member....but at this point I really don't need to be told these things. It just hurts.
I am going to think hard over the next few days of what is important and how much longer I am willing to continue in this job. I know I will leave and at this point it is a question of timing. Given the contract I signed for the school year, I do need to provide a certain amount of notice so that I don't have to pay back money.
I appreciate all the support I receive here.
That's really hurtful, Rainy, and I am sorry you are being put through this at work. Those in charge are neglecting their duty by failing to deal with this. I wish you luck getting out.
Armee, thank you for your words and support. I have been thinking a lot about how I wish I had listened to my initial gut impression to get out after that ridiculous meeting I had in May. I am learning a lot and even though things hurt, I am strong and I will come out of the other side of this with a lot. And meanwhile these folks will be stuck being nasty and unpleasant. It honestly feels like a Roald Dahl story.
..........
My husband and I made a tentative plan. I will check my contract but will officially quit on December 1st. Unless something really big happens that really pushes me over or I get a new job.
This will give me time to get my licensure sorted out and maybe find a job outside my field. I have found a college that really appeals to me that I think my skill set would be a great fit for. There are a couple of jobs with closing dates this week and I am hoping I crafted my resume just right to at least get noticed.
For now I will try to enjoy my students and make plans for moving forward.
I feel better having a date in mind.
:hug:
Hi rainy,
Having a date brings some structure and boundaries to the situation. I like that you and your husband are doing this together, which might bring out good things previously hidden in each of you.
I understand the mixed feelings about getting second hand compliments from difficult people. In the end, it's how they treat you daily that supersedes any verbal stuff. Exiting this situation is really difficult and requires a lot of tightrope walking. It sounds like you are remaining balanced in extracting the lessons without drowning in the "drama." :yes: Continue to take care of yourself. :hug:
San, :hug:
..........
Bee, I appreciate your reflection and validation. :hug:
..........
What to say about this day?
My workspace is in a large closet inside an office inside a classroom where students with the most complex needs learn and are taught by my most difficult coworker. I fought the battle of not being in there and lost.
I emailed a district admin (the one I've talked to before) a request to talk about my work in response to an email I sent. I have learned to not contact her anymore given the following.
An assistant principal navigates the classroom and office and comes to find me in the large closet to request I meet with her. This was humiliating as my difficult coworker witnessed this and I am sure it gave her food for gossip.
This assistant principal walks me upstairs to meet with her and the principal. *sigh*
Apparently in the game of telephone, my email somehow was interpreted as a request for additional staff. How that conclusion was come to I have no idea. It made me realize that person is not on my team and is not willing to help me only tell.
I shared the question I wanted to ask the district admin with the principal and did my best to engage in the conversation. She is back on "how sad I look" and how I am doing. She is back on judging my schedule and not understanding my work and how my schedule works.
I am tired. December feels far away especially if I have to continue to have this absurd conversations where my work is questioned but the concern I really have is not being addressed. The meeting was also just weird in that these folks seem increasingly nervous around me which makes me think they know they aren't helping me and worry I might sue or put up some kind of fight.
I do feel strong in myself and I think my strength is also what makes people nervous. I have dreams that go beyond trying to function in toxicity.
:hug: :hug:
I don't use religious sayings often, but:
God Speed , Rainty. Right on out of there, as soon as possible. :bighug:
San, :hug:
..........
Armee, :hug:
..........
I had a massage last evening which was refreshing. My massage therapist is a big part of my healing journey. She is also from the place I am planning to move to and will be helpful in supporting my transition.
My husband and I spoke this morning. I think he often needs time to process and he shared a reflection about my work and timing of quitting.
He also thinks that my vision of my future work is valuable and he offered to see if someone in his company would be willing to speak to me. He was asking me a lot of good questions about how to frame my idea and I said I needed more time to think.
So, this weekend I am going to think about my husband's questions and next week. I didn't feel ready to approach the principal today. I'm pretty sure I would cry if I said I am quitting today. I want to have time to think of exactly what I want to say (no details, just the fact that I am leaving and my end date). I want time to be mentally prepared to talk to her. And to be ready for her knee jerk reaction(s) which may possibly include telling me that she doesn't want me in the building anymore.
Just trying to get through this day and then enjoying a long weekend.
I had something unplanned happen and want to reflect on it.
One of my brothers sent me this random text that his wife is in the area where I live. I have never met her and have plans this weekend. I am also at work and not responding to texts readily. Also, his wife has my cell phone number and I have texted with her before.
He starts really pressuring me to meet up with her. It was so out of character for him. I guess she will be here next weekend too so I decided to just set something up.
I am upset with myself and with him. He has never spoken to me like that before and it really caught me off guard. I don't have to do this and don't appreciate his attitude. Yikes.
Your brother's text sounds like yet one more thing on top of everything else that you're going through, and what's happening at work sounds overwhelming.
I'm not surprised it caught you off guard. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. :hug:
Thanks Snowdrop - it does just feel like another thing and my brain is saying "yeah another thing you have screwed up." I will work on gentleness. This interaction really hurt.
.........
My siblings and I are not close. I am especially burned by my brother's texts because we do not include each other in anything. None of us were present at the others' weddings. We don't speak much. We are all navigating our own worlds.
I don't appreciate setting a boundary and having it run over. It isn't personal that I said I was busy - I am busy. It sounds like his wife must have been pushing the issue. I'm not sure how I am going to deal with seeing her.
I will try to see that it will at most be like an hour or two of my life. It makes me dislike my family even more. These ties that society tells us bind us are not the ties I care about.
*sigh*
Quote from: Snowdrop on September 03, 2021, 07:32:13 PM
Your brother's text sounds like yet one more thing on top of everything else that you're going through, and what's happening at work sounds overwhelming.
I'm not surprised it caught you off guard. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. :hug:
:yeahthat:
rainydiary, without your brother's text , there was more than plenty for you to be contending with.
You didn't screw anything up. Your brother did imho. Being on guard all the time is very strenuous, energy-consuming, so I think it's normal to let it down sometimes, especially as a certain amount of recovery is reached and then I guess these breaches happen. But it's on your B that he is being so pushy here. You set a boundary, he ran over it. May I be a little annoyed for you? :pissed:
Some gentle :hug: :hug:
yeah, i agree w/ blueberry about the annoyance part. that didn't hit me right at all when i read it. it seemed intrusive to me. i don't understand this at all, especially since you said you've texted with your SIL - if she wanted to see you, why wouldn't she ask instead of him doing the asking for her? maybe i missed something. could you ask her about this before you meet with her? find out what's going on? i've got a sense there's more to this than meets the eye, and i'm feeling cautious for you. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
I am also feeling cautious for you, and I echo what SanMagic said. I think there is an agenda here, most likely something relating to your brother, and I am curious about what your SIL is going to say. Could be wrong, but whatever happens, I wish you well with it, and hope that it goes ok. There's always the option not to go, to cancel too. Sending you a hug of support for this :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, San, Blueberry - thank you for sharing in my "what the?" Something is off and I don't understand what it is. I will approach the situation with caution. Perhaps she needs my help. I don't know my brother as a husband or as a new father. He is in the military and I have no idea where he is or what he is doing.
What came to mind when he was being so aggressive toward me yesterday is that he wasn't himself. I wondered if he was drunk.
I also wondered if he has finally started reaching a place where the impact of our childhood is catching up.
But then I also wonder if it is my SIL pushing an agenda such as "family is supposed to be together" without understanding anything. She had my phone number and I have texted her before so if she wanted to see me she could have asked.
None of that excuses the way he spoke to me. I haven't heard from him since. I will take care with this.
..........
I'm pretty sure I will aim to resign from my job on Tuesday assuming the principal is there. I unfortunately have to give 30 days notice per my contract so that I don't have to pay back money.
As I was running today I really saw how they are trying to position me as mentally ill. I am providing fodder by simply showing up.
I'm most worried about being handle a negative reaction from the principal. I will plan to be ready for the worst which in my mind would be me getting triggered, her being triggered, her using nasty words, her asking me to leave immediately. I honestly would prefer to be asked to leave immediately but doubt that will happen because they need me for coverage of students.
I am going to try to rest this weekend.
:bighug:
I hope you are getting the much needed rest this weekend. You are going to get through this and are lining things up to be better for you. You are taking good care of yourself :hug:
I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through. It may not seem like it, but you will get through it. I can relate to everything you wrote. I have a brother who's never been to any place I've ever lived. I tried for awhile but gave up, yet every time he comes to the town I live in, I get the pressure from my M to go see him. I've also just exited a toxic work situation where I was being used (not in a this-respects-me-and-my-ability-to-contribute sort of way), gaslit and manipulated. The exit was messy and painful (felt like I was getting a divorce) but I got through it and I'm free now.
Hang in there, I'm pulling for you.
San, :hug:
...........
Owl, thank you. I am resting as well as I can. My brain is busy trying to sort things out but I am relatively chill for me. I appreciate your validation. :hug:
..........
Dante, I appreciate your words and also the understanding of how hard it is to leave a job even one that is toxic. I know I need to go but taking the first step to initiate that process feels like climbing a mountain. I appreciate your support.
..........
I am noticing a lot of emotion today. I think it is primarily grief.
My husband and I went on a really nice hike this morning - it wasn't previously planned and I do have a hard time transitioning to unplanned things. But it was good to go. I do enjoy the place where we live and it will be sad to leave.
As I think about all the changes coming, I am noticing an old habit/fear that my parents will be disappointed in me. I always do what I think is right for me but communicating that to them remains challenging. I still feel judged by them. I have learned that sharing limited detail is the best I can do. I've told them we are planning to move and that is about it.
I notice how much I resent feeling like I have to explain myself. I think that makes relationships with others difficult. I don't want to talk about myself or what I am doing. I have felt especially questioned of late and it feels heavy.
I am grateful to not have work tomorrow. It will give me a chance to ease into the week. And be as prepared as I can be for taking the step to finally resign.
I took a nap today which is generally rare for me but something I am learning to embrace more and more. I tend to not nap because they end up being hours and hours. But given that this is a holiday weekend and I felt tired I decided to nap.
There is a novel called All The King's Men and the narrator Jack has these times in his life that he calls The Great Sleep. There are many thoughts expressed in that novel that resonated with me and that especially did. In college I had times where I slept almost whole days and even now my naps tend to harken back to that.
I think that long sleep for me was about many things: trauma, depression, anxiety, exhaustion, fear. I didn't know myself very well then. I haven't read that novel since acknowledging my trauma and would be interested in reading it again. I think it was the first novel I read that gave me insight into feelings and gave me vocabulary to talk about my experiences. Of all novels why that one, I don't know.
This evening I started to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of quitting my job. I read a post in a Facebook group where folks with my job role faced difficulties resigning in the middle of the year. Even though we aren't teachers we are generally expected to sign contracts that are more geared toward teachers. Some individuals faced paying a fine or having to pay back some money.
I think I have my read my contract correctly in that if I give 30 days notice I won't have to pay back money. The paragraph that says this in the contract also includes this scary line at the end that says something like "the teacher will be responsible for difficulty in the position being filled." Those aren't the exact words but the language is terrifying and gives me that feeling - it will be my fault.
When I really think about this, given that it is written with teachers in mind, I feel less afraid. It is harder to generate teachers out of nowhere whereas my field has staffing agencies. There are lots of us around. They may have to use a staffing agency to find someone. I'm sure they don't want to do that but they will be joining the ranks of what other districts have to do.
I'm trying to truly believe it isn't my problem. If they don't want people quitting like this then they should treat people better. I hope to sleep well tonight. My dreams have been super intense, even during my nap, and that often leaves me feeling less rested.
hey, rainy, just a thought:
i know you're struggling with the job stuff, and now with the contract wording. would it be possible to let someone else read it, give you their opinion on it? sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can pick up on things we miss.
just want to acknowledge the struggle you're having with this. i certainly hope it all goes to your advantage. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate the thought. My husband has read the paragraph and told me he thinks it just means I need to give 30 days. I also plan to confirm that interpretation with the union president as I know she is always involved in contract negotiations.
I think I continue to struggle or not accept their interpretations because I don't feel like they fully understand my experience - I feel so unsafe in my job and fear retaliation. I will do my best to be prepared but given that I have continued to show up and do my job, what can they actually do? If I was truly unfit to do my job then they would be taking other action (namely firing me).
..........
I did end up having intense dreams. I feel so odd and unreal today.
I am lining things up but also deeply afraid of the future.
While my husband and I are in a very different place than we were in the past, I have the memory of a very unsuccessful and traumatic move that we made that tends to come to mind this time of year (as it was around this time of year about 8 years ago).
Also I see that my inner critic is trying to take over and convince me to believe untrue and outdated things.
I plan to do a yoga asana practice after I write this. My hope was to get some thoughts out of my head before doing that.
Talking to the union rep sounds like the right next move to understand the implications of resigning midyear.
Hi rainy,
The 8 year old memories resurfacing is what I also go through. I've made more than 35 moves in my life, and I'm not in the military-just in flight perpetually. A new move in the midst of work trauma is setting the stage for all the old stuff to come up. I've been through that too. There will be moments but hopefully, the duration will be brief. You're facing things head on, and that's what important and valuable. Give yourself some credit for that; every day, or as much as you can muster. :hug:
Armee, I appreciate that perspective. I struggle even reaching out to this person given what I feel is their lack of support...but I think I would feel better to have more clarification. Something I have seen in myself over the past few weeks is that I take things said by systems so literal and that reality is not always as strict.
..........
Bee, I appreciate you sharing about all of your moves. It's weird how the yucky stuff comes up when my husband and I moved to the state we are in now 6 years ago and it was a relatively successful move. I am stuck in all that is going on and what is coming up and it is tough to see clearly. I will do my best to take care and appreciate the support here.
..........
This day hasn't been bad but I feel so blah.
I know the coming week is weighing on me for both work and family reasons.
I am also in a trying part of my menstrual cycle that tends to shake me up.
I feel like I am moving on the right path but am feeling distressed that I can't see very far right now.
Today is a day where I feel alone as no one else can take the steps I need to take but me. I am afraid and have thought more of my parents and their displeasure with me as I prepare to stand my ground and do what is best for me. Their behavior wounded me so deeply and I am still struggling with agency of my own life.
:hug:
Owl, :hug:
...........
I cried tonight during my yoga training. The culmination of many things big and small brought tears.
My husband and I had discussed this idea last week for a way to begin exploring my work vision. He established a boundary with me today about it that reflected he changed his mind about the idea. He had every right to do so but I feel it deeply. It isn't so much the specific situation that is giving me pain but rather that our conversation gave me a glimpse of possibility that I have lost.
During the yoga training I misspoke about something and another attendee pointed it out to me. They did it in a gentle way by sending me a direct message on Zoom. But it still got me deep too. It triggered my inner critic and the thought, "I can't do anything right" kept coming up.
In a smaller group with other attendees that I feel safer with I started to cry. They were understanding and supportive so my inner critic isn't right.
And yet, when I think about the coming week and the weeks that have led me to where I am today, that feeling of not getting it right has been present and has deeply pressed against the messaging I received growing up.
The messages my abusers taught me are hard to shake and have been especially touched on of late: I am broken, I am too much, I am not enough, I am inappropriate, I am flawed, I am unwanted. These messages are embedded in what feels like every cell of my being.
And when someone provides me a well meaning comment and my husband shares a boundary (both of which I do appreciate) it feels big and feels the same as the toxic actions of my colleagues or my parents passing on trauma. It makes me feel alone and that my CPTSD is not understood and thus separates me further from others.
rainy, this is so hard. Those messages you were taught, they stand out to me as what the abusers themselves carry/carried, and they projected it all on you. I am so sorry you have internalized those feelings, they are deeply painful. Those messages are inaccurate and is how they were made to feel. The difference is you don't turn around and treat others like this.
What you wrote at the end is exactly what I've been experiencing these past few days. It opens up such deep wounds, no matter how gently input is brought to us. I have been reflecting on this and I think it hurts so much for me because there is a level of shame there that gets opened up for me. I completely get how it makes you feel, the aloneness, and not being understood, and this making you separate from others. It's such a hard place to be in.
I hope today goes okay for you :hug:
hey, rainy,
is it possible you've already begun the grieving process? the loss of your job, city, home, etc. seems like a lot to me. one thing i've learned is that while grieving, we are going to be messy. that could explain your various mental and physical reactions and behaviors. i don't know, just a thought. if it doesn't pertain, please ignore.
i do feel for you at this time, with all these ups and downs, the concerns, triggers, flashbacks, etc. that you're going thru. just so you know, you are not along going thru this. we are here as a safety net. thank you for sharing. it's helped bring out the compassion in me this morning, something i've been lacking in the past. sending love and a hug filled with caring. :hug:
Owl, thank you for your words. They have been helping me today to feel supported. I am grateful to have you and others that know how it feels to feel the things that comes along with CPTSD.
..........
San, I think you are right - I am grieving. I think that when I finally gave up expectations of my job going ok it set me on a path of grieving. And grieving can be like a tornado picking up everything in its path. I am appreciate your message as it is also helping me in this day.
..........
In my mind, I wanted to use this day as prep for quitting. I spent time getting my computer cleaned up and ready hand over at a moment's notice.
I spoke with my union rep and she made it all sound ok. I guess that part of our contract isn't as serious as it sounds. I still worry my principal especially will pull some garbage on me. The union rep seemed surprised/off put that I said I would be moving. I don't know what else she expects. I think for some folks moving is a big thing. It is to me too but I am willing to do it.
I may resign tomorrow but want to talk to my husband first. I think at this point I am simply afraid of putting that in motion. I don't know what is coming other than a move. I'm afraid of not ever finding my place. And yet where I am is not my place.
:hug:
I don't know when you will find your place...and that must feel super unsettling... but i do feel confident that standing up to abuse puts you on the path toward finding your place. Good luck. I bet it feels both scary and relieving to be taking steps to protect yourself and resign.
I am sure I will have more to say later but I resigned today.
The principal accepted the news relatively drama free. She made me feel like she was thinking "thank goodness."
I made it about moving. I am not telling anyone a different story. At this point I just want to leave on relatively good terms.
I was feeling angry this morning when I think about the past several months. I think I have legitimately faced discrimination for speaking about my trauma. I have also been bullied. At this point leaving serves me and I hope will send these folks a message. Me staying to take it isn't serving me.
Rainy,
Good for you. I'm glad you're leaving potential bridges un-burned. I admire you for taking this as far as you could and for having the courage to call it when you did. It will take a while to sort through your feelings and emotions, but that's true of any time, regarding any thing. It's good to take control of what we can.
Go easy on yourself. :hug:
Bee, thank you. The reminder to be easy with myself is much needed.
..........
I am exhausted from this day. I am currently waiting for the dentist and left work early today for my appointment.
Around an hour after resigning the job I currently have was posted on the district job page. That seemed fast.
I shared my news with my colleagues and those conversations are draining. Folks that have made my experience exhausting are pretending to care I am leaving.
Hopefully the buzz will die down because I can't spend every day for the next month in this way.
I'm sure some of it is that I am also beginning to release tension I've been holding.
I plan to pick up a special dinner after my appointment.
Rainy I am so of you!!!!!
That must have been hard to do and really scary but ultimately protecting yourself from further abuse....including refusing to give them to opportunity to abuse you more over the real reason...speaks loads to your strength.
Armee, thank you for the support.
..........
This day was so much and more comes up as I try to relax.
I shared my news with a person whose job is to support new employees in the building. She also provides guidance to educators in their roles. She and I talked a lot when I was new. I have a complicated relationship with her which I was reminded of today. Over time I stopped talking to her because I felt like she made things worse for me.
In some ways she was/is supportive of me and helped me set up some things that were important (like presenting to the staff). But she also has a way of doing things exactly the same as others in leadership. She made a lot of assumptions about me and I know that her comments/opinions swayed a lot of things.
Today in talking to her she was regretful about me resigning but felt the need to emphasize there was nothing she could do to help me (she was fully aware of all the stuff I have been dealing with). She also felt the need to explain how even she has to do her job in a way she doesn't prefer to meet the demands of the setting we work in. She also said something like "I was just talking to someone this morning about how all the concerns we've been hearing are justified."
I find all of this annoying. I didn't need her gaslighting. It would be cool if she would have asked my experience and opinion before "advocating" for me. And its a little too late for my concerns to finally be believed. The burden of dealing with my concerns was placed on me while being forced to sit near the people that harm me every day. I read a blog called Ask a Manager and the author referred to a similar sounding management style as "Lord of the Flies" and that resonated with me (and made me laugh).
All these feelings coming up and just another signal to get out of there. I am on my way out but the thought of stepping in there tomorrow is so unappealing.
i get it, rainy. so sorry you have to go thru this. i'm very glad you're getting out, and hoping your next place of employment is supportive of you. you don't deserve less. love and hugs :hug:
Sending you hugs today, Rainy. As you get through these difficult post-resignation days.
San, thank you. Whatever work comes next, I will need to work to recalibrate what is "normal." :doh:
..........
Armee, thank you. These days are challenging for a number of reasons and I appreciate carrying your support with me.
.........
I am tired again today. Part of me feels lighter already.
But more parts of me feel shame. I am gaslighting myself - "I could have done better. People are being nice now. Maybe I misunderstood."
I'm tired of all the conversations I've been having. I am telling everyone that I am moving (which is true) and that is making the conversations go relatively ok. But it's hard.
My husband shared a lot with me today. I'm not used to him talking to me so much. I'm glad for it but it is also exhausting. And I take some of what he says really personally (even though it literally has nothing to do with me).
So much to process.
It is a TON to process, Rainy. And you are doing great. Your head is above water. You are recognizing that when you have thoughts that it is your fault or you are misunderstanding their actions that those thoughts are not true.
I can see how a change of routine with your hubby could be welcome and tiring. I bet it evens out after awhile.
:yeahthat:
i agree - a ton to process. love and hugs, rainy. :hug:
Armee & San, thank you. :hug:
........
I am drained. Today was tough at work.
The day started off with a staff meeting where we had two mandatory trainings that were intense. I hate the staff meetings in general because they are in a space that feels cramped. Also my colleagues are so rude. They often have side conversations during the presentations (which is interesting behavior for teachers who expect students to listen to them).
Then we had a lockdown drill. These are horrible traumatic experiences. I cried some during it. It makes me consider if I want to continue working in schools because lockdown drills are things in schools in the US.
During the lockdown, the lady that I call my ally and my most difficult colleague got into a heated conversation. They were in an office with closed door but it was near where we were "hiding" during the drill and everyone could hear them. Not the specific words but definitely the tone of the conversation.
I then met with a student who is my favorite and telling him I was leaving was difficult.
After that I rushed to a nearby community college to have my fingerprints taken at their campus police office. I messed up the card I was supposed to have them fill out. They gave me a new card but I am hoping that the state agency for licensing accepts it. It is also just rather unnerving to interact with police departments.
The rest of my workday felt hectic and rushed. While now also feeling brushed off and insignificant to my colleagues. 30 days is too long for a notice period.
I am trying to relax this evening. I think sleep will be the best medicine.
:hug:
rainy,
I liked this observation
QuoteThey often have side conversations during the presentations (which is interesting behavior for teachers who expect students to listen to them).
:blahblahblah: blind spots!
Quotemy ally and my most difficult colleague got into a heated conversation.
That is horrible.
Quote30 days is too long for a notice period.
Definitely. Not sure if you mentioned this before and i missed it, but really a long time.
Hang in, you're doing well.
i have found side conversations like you mentioned extremely annoying. those people are so disrespectful! ugh! :pissed:
i looked up lockdowns in schools - hadn't the foggiest. dang, so awful to have to prepare for something like that. when i was in school we had atom bomb drills - either scoot under our desks or stand in the hall facing our lockers. i imagine those teachers also had to meet in order to determine the best course of action (?) against a nuclear blast. can't even imagine what that must be like, for faculty both now and then. different fears, but both real all the same. awful.
hang tough, rainy, ok? sending love and a hug filled with flowers - sunshiny daisies, and lilies of the valley to brighten your day, maybe a little at least. i also wish the hugs could be real. :hug:
You deserve good rest. 30 days is much too long for the circumstance you are in, especially since you had planned to leave over the summer but were gaslighted into believing changes would be made to protect you.
Bach, much appreciated :hug:
..........
Bee, thank you for your reflections. I have a contract I sign for my job and in the contract it stipulates that I must give 30 days notice or else be expected to pay back some of my salary for not finishing out the contract. I find this extremely petty and am honestly really annoyed....but I didn't want to pay back salary so am trying to adhere to their policy.
.........
San, I did wonder if folks would know what a lockdown drill is. It is terrible. There a clear indication when those are drills though - if we aren't told in advance then it means the real deal. I don't think it is good for anyone that this is a thing we do in schools with developing humans.
.........
Armee, I agree 30 days is long. I am sure from the perspective of the folks trying to hire for my replacement it isn't long enough, but :wave: from me.
..........
I am feeling lighter in myself today. I didn't feel as burdened when I ran. My big event that I've been training for is 2 weeks from today. I sincerely hope the temperature cools down by then - I am almost certain I won't be able to finish if it is too hot. The heat and I do not agree and it isn't worth making myself ill over.
I did notice on my run my brain trying to generate arguments with people at work. My brain is wanting me to stay at the elevated levels it's been at. I tried to notice this and let it pass. There are also elements of guilt still coming up and feeling responsible for what happens to the next person to take the job.
As good as I feel, there are still other things to sort out. I am worried about making it clear to my parents I am moving. I am still planning to meet with my SIL tomorrow. My in-laws still do their things trying to insert themselves in our lives. Family is making me tired.
The more this family stuff presses against me, the more I want to retreat.
hey, rainy, good luck with your SIL - i hope it goes well.
a thought on your replacement - maybe the next person will be different from you, more like the others, and will fit in beautifully. personally, i think your guilt isn't necessary, at least not in this situation. let their little toxic 'family' continue on without you. you don't need them anymore, and i'm very glad for you that you're getting out.
as far as your lockdown drills go, i can see it affecting young people in 2 ways - either they are going to be filled with fear at the possibility of something bad happening, or they're going to be reassured that someone will be taking care of them if there is such a horrible event. i don't know, maybe both. to my mind, the worst of it is that schools find it necessary to acknowledge the threat is real and have to take steps to deal with it. i remember when i worked w/ adolescents in a day care program and our first metal detector was put into play. sure enough, one of my girls brought a switchblade to school. i still have it. i have no doubt she would've used it, too, if we hadn't found it.
keep taking care of you. i think you're doing a very good job of that. love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
San, I have been considering that maybe my exit will create space for someone really meant to be there that fits in well. It was interactions and events in this job that guided me toward finally accepting and beginning to face my past.
I appreciate your thoughts about the lockdowns. We do live in a society where this type of planning and practice is needed. I think it does impact each individual differently and that there is a chance all of this vigilance saves lives.
..........
I am feeling emotional today.
Yesterday was 20 years since a day that really changed the US. What came to my mind today is that 20 years ago I was a high school senior. Today I am in my 4th year in working at a high school (so a "senior" in some ways).
I often wonder what brought me back to a high school. Today I was considering that perhaps I am being given the chance to finally do what I wanted to do 20 years ago.
20 years ago I wanted to make my own decisions and live in a certain part of the country. My parents pushed an agenda on me and caused a lot of pain for me in my senior year. I think they were afraid of my future and made things very difficult (in addition to all the stuff that had come before that).
In the past week, I think I have broken the cycle started in high school. I quit a job that is hurting me and am planning to move to the place I've wanted to go to since I was 14. I am finally making my own decisions.
I still carry a lot of worry of how my parents will react. I have told them we are moving but I think they tend to question and not believe me. I haven't told them I quit my job because I know that will freak them out. I wish I wasn't still so afraid of telling them about my decisions but I have reason for my fears.
I will see my SIL and baby niece in a bit. My husband is coming with me. My brother messaged me yesterday and apologized. I think that whatever was going on when he was being so rude was something with him. I still don't know my brother well anymore but I hope our tentative relationship will remain as positive as it can be.
Quote from: rainydiary on September 12, 2021, 06:17:35 PM
In the past week, I think I have broken the cycle started in high school. I quit a job that is hurting me and am planning to move to the place I've wanted to go to since I was 14. I am finally making my own decisions.
:cheer: :applause: These are big steps. Congrats!
Quote from: rainydiary on September 12, 2021, 06:17:35 PM
I still carry a lot of worry of how my parents will react. I have told them we are moving but I think they tend to question and not believe me. I haven't told them I quit my job because I know that will freak them out. I wish I wasn't still so afraid of telling them about my decisions but I have reason for my fears.
You're moving along so fast and well in your recovery imo that when the time is right, you will lose your fear of telling your parents. I know how hard it can be to wait for such a time. It will come though, I'm sure. In the meantime I hope you can congratulate yourself on all you have managed.
I'm glad your brother apologised. :thumbup: And that you will see your new baby niece and SIL soon.
I agree with bb that you will lose your fear of telling your parents when the time is right. What's more it can be a very healing step to take in standing firm to them in what you know is right for yourself. Their approval does.not.matter. I'm really excited for you to make this move!!!! :cheer:
Blueberry, thank you. I appreciate the thought of how fast things are moving - Time and patience and gentleness are things that may feel supportive right now.
.........
Armee, thank you for your support. :hug:
..........
I am out of sorts today. I am trying to find the motivation to go to work. I have 4 long work weeks ahead of me. That time will pass but it feels so long and painful.
I had intense dreams last night. That is some of what makes today hard. These dreams are primarily connected to my place in my menstrual cycle. I wish I could stay home today but at this point that feels harder than just going and finishing my job.
The meeting with my SIL went fine yesterday. I suppose that type of thing is what most people do. I think it may be good for my husband and I find ways to socialize a bit more when we move. I think he wants to socialize more than I do. It will be important to find ways to do that that suit each of us.
This morning when I woke I realized that anxiety isn't driving me for work anymore. I hope to find a way to work where my motivation is something other than worry. To date it has always been "what will keep others off my back and not mad at me."
It was interesting last week the families that did not respond to my communication about me leaving. The families that are constantly breathing down my neck about my "responsibility" to their child often catch me off guard with ghosting and gaslighting when something doesn't suit them to respond or deal with.
I should get going and do my best. This time will pass.
we'll be with you during the entire 4 weeks, rainy. you're not alone.
glad the meet w/ your SIL went well.
Quote"what will keep others off my back and not mad at me."
i think this speaks volumes about the toxicity of your workplace. to have to continually go to a place where these fears are running the show is awful. so very glad you're getting out, and more than that, going to live somewhere you've wanted to live from such a young age. yeah!
keep up the good work, ok? being out of sorts is part of the process, i think, and i agree that it will pass. sending love and hugs, rainy. :hug:
rainy, :hug:
Hope your day passes quickly in the workplace. I ditto everything san said as well, but especially like that you're going to a place you always wanted to be. :yes:
Do your best, keep your head up, or down, wherever it feels best. It will be hard to get through these 4 weeks but San is right, you're not alone and we have your back. Right here.
Good job getting through the meeting with your SIL. You are right that it is what "normal" people do but only when and because they want to do it, not because they are forced to guilted into it.
Quote from: Armee on September 13, 2021, 03:33:53 PM
Do your best, keep your head up, or down, wherever it feels best. It will be hard to get through these 4 weeks but San is right, you're not alone and we have your back. Right here.
:yeahthat:
(Sorry I keep quoting you Armee but it really helps me when I feel at a loss for words.)In my country depending on how long you'd been at that particular company/school or whatever, you might have to tough it out even longer. But often in a case like yours, your doc will write you off sick for as long as feasible to get you out of the toxicity. Is that a) a possibility and b) feasible for
you, as in something you could allow yourself to take advantage of?
Whatever, we're here for you :grouphug:
San, Bee, Armee, & Blueberry - :hug:
.........
Blueberry, I appreciate the thoughts. I would imagine there are processes I could explore - I'm not going to given my read of the situation. I think continued pressure on my employer would make matters worse for me. That certainly isn't ok but I am in an ok, safe place for me.
..........
I made it through the day. It was ok just kind of weird.
I can tell the people that have written me off. Very few people seem genuinely upset I am leaving. That does not surprise me but it does hurt to feel like my work over the past three years has meant so little.
Really though, humans adapt really quickly to new realities. And this transition touches on all the moves I made growing up. I feel forgotten by all the people I have known and remember.
I do also detect some vibes of "wow, one can choose to leave?" I think there is some jealousy too.
This is going to be a learning process and I am grateful for your support here.
rainy,
I agree, jealousy and envy.
Quote"wow, one can choose to leave?" I think there is some jealousy too.
when it's this bad, you know you're not the only one, just the one who took action.
:yes:
Rainy Diary.
I am just so very sorry to read about all you have been through at your work place. Your decision to leave sounds like it is absolutely the right thing to do.
I have worked in similar places, although health care rather than education. The culture was very similar, especially the toxic positivity.
My son is still dealing with the fallout of his five years in a toxic hospitality job. But he has a great job now, and I cannot believe how he has blossomed. I have found that my very low level cleaning jobs are perfect for me at this point in my life.
I think that we expect to much of ourselves, and this makes others so demanding of us.
I am hoping, and very hopeful that you will find peace and joy in the next chapter of your life.
:hug:
3 weeks and 4 days!!!
Bee, for sure. I have some colleagues that I know aren't satisfied. I am curious what keeps them here. :Idunno:
..........
Libby, I appreciate you sharing these experiences. I hope to find a place where I thrive. Thank you for your support.
.........
Armee, I definitely have a countdown. :yes:
..........
I am noticing a lot of grief today.
On my run this morning I felt sad at the thought of leaving. There are beautiful mountains where I live and I will miss that view.
I also feel grief at work. I feel sad at the idea of leaving certain students I work with. Otherwise, being here feels like such a waste. HR sent me a message with my date of resignation and end date. I suppose that documentation is helpful but it felt so final. And yet I still have so many days to get through.
I see my colleagues in a different way now that I am not trying to fit in. It's more that I see through them and the facades they put up. I have been struggling with the realization that what people say and what they actually want in my job don't line up and it is distressing to me because I am not sure how to address that in the future as it isn't only this job that has happened to me in.
I will allow my grief. And continue to see what I learn from this time.
Giving a solid hug through your grief.
:hug:
Armee & Bach, :hug:
..........
Today has been difficult. Nothing in particular happened. The weight of being at work and the behavior of others is heavy.
I had a colleague that I don't trust trying to get me to say more about why I am leaving. I have told people from the day I resigned that I am moving due to a change in my husband's job.
Is that the whole truth? No. Is our move urgent? No. Is that the business of anyone I work with? No.
I went outside today to talk to a colleague and an administrator came out. Maybe their presence was unrelated to me but it made me feel so paranoid.
Given those events I feel even more uneasy than I did before.
From this point on I am going to say as little as possible to anyone. I heard they have an interview for my position on Friday. I hope they find someone quickly and decide I can go earlier than my end date.
This will end but right now I feel worse and worse and worse about myself.
I understand feeling worse and worse about yourself, Rainy. But objectively it would make more sense to feel better and better about yourself. You are recognizing what you need and taking steps to make it better for yourself. You are not falling prey to the drama and are keeping your explanation to a level that is safe for you. You're doing great!
I wish you didn't feel so bad. It's a hard situation for sure. I see someone super strong and assured and healing.
I completely understand feeling uneasy about what's going on. If it helps, I see it as further evidence that your instincts were correct, and you're doing the right thing getting out.
I went through a similar thing to you. My workplace was toxic. I didn't know about cptsd at the time, but in hindsight, I was triggered every day, and it retraumatised me. I handed in my notice because I couldn't take any more.
Working my notice period was hard, and despite the toxicity, I also felt sad at leaving. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did the right thing, just as you are.
:hug:
Ditto to Snowdrop. Same here, and fairly recently - 2 months ago. I put up with a bad situation for 18 months because I thought it was the best I could do. The best I deserved. I was gaslit, manipulated, disrespected and disregarded. I handed in my notice, and the manager convinced me to stay, then bragged to someone else that he 'didn't accept my notice'. In hindsight, I can see that pretending friendship and respect - which I so desperately crave - was completely effective in getting me to stay a little longer. Then I turned in my notice a second time, and the same tactics were tried, but this time I held my ground.
Two months on, I'm in a job that is fulfilling with people that respect me. If you'd asked me two months ago if I'd be OK, I'm not sure I would have said yes. But I am.
I also know I did the right thing, and I know you are too.
Armee, thank you. I've been thinking more in this and will say more below.
..........
Snowdrop, I appreciate the support and validation. I'm sorry that you also experienced a toxic job and am glad you found a way out.
.........
Dante, I appreciate you sharing your experience. It is helpful to know you have found something more satisfying. I think I have stayed in this job for similar reasons that you stayed in the other one longer than you wanted. Thank you for your help.
.........
Today I found out from my work ally that my most difficult colleague was trying to find out more about why I am leaving from her. When my ally told me that I was like *. My ally at least had my back - she said, "All I know is that Rainy wanted to live in that place for a long time." Then my most difficult colleague said, "Well it seems like you all are talking about me all the time." :doh:
This all just reminds me why I need out.
I was thinking about what I said yesterday about feeling worse and worse. I think that is somewhat of a habitual response. I don't actually feel bad. I feel uncomfortable. I wish my ego wasn't making this difficult by wanting to feel more important than I am in that place. I also feel uncomfortable acting too happy to be leaving. I think am "feeling bad" in order to make others comfortable.
This will end and when it does I can move forward in a different way.
I love this:
This will end and when it does I can move forward in a different way.
Quote from: rainydiary on September 13, 2021, 11:47:41 PM
Blueberry, I appreciate the thoughts. I would imagine there are processes I could explore - I'm not going to given my read of the situation. I think continued pressure on my employer would make matters worse for me. That certainly isn't ok but I am in an ok, safe place for me.
You know best what you need in this situation, rainydiary! I'm really glad that you feel in an ok, safe place.
I understand too from later posts of yours that it doesn't always feel ok. ime big decisions, big changes kindof rock the boat, make things seem unsteady for a while. They tend to make me question the decisions I made. Feel uncertain, bring old stuff up again... Rest assured - that place is toxic. :applause: :applause: :applause: on getting out! :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
I wanted to send you a hug of support, as I know you're going through some challenging stuff just now. :hug:
Hope :)
I appreciate the words and support Armee, Blueberry, and Hope.
..........
I am worn out today. I am currently at work about to head to a meeting I would rather not go to.
I am really noticing how "good" a day goes depends on the mood of my most difficult colleague. It is so ridiculous how much revolves around her and her mood.
I am trying to just not attach or engage to anything at work at this point. It is difficult and it is making me feel weird and disconnected.
As I don't engage more, I see how fake it is here. There are many folks that seem to be putting on a play. It is all an act. I can't stand it. I think mostly because I have been expected to "act" like everything is fine most of my life and it stinks.
Just a few more hours and then I can go home and recharge as much as I can for the weekend.
TW: Mention of suicide
This day is taking a turn and I hope to process a bit.
My husband texted me about 45 minutes ago to share that he was upset about something at work. I can tell that he is triggered. The trigger is likely because of his brother's suicide. The anniversary of his brother's death is approaching. This is also a difficult time of year for us as a couple.
His being triggered is triggering me. I am at work. I am sure he is ok or I would have left. I am working through my own EF right now. Students are also having a tough time at work and it is all too much right now.
I can leave in a bit and will go get groceries. And then I will go home and do my best to be present for my husband.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Accept accept accept. Accept it's hard. You both will come out the other side of this and it just may be very very hard for several days. Wishing you lots of kindness toward yourself and your H. This is a very very difficult anniversary.
Thanks Armee. :hug:
It is a difficult anniversary especially as there was a lot of pain and difficulty for a long time before he died. I appreciate your support.
..........
Feeling a bit better this morning. Getting ready for my last long training run before my big run next weekend.
Yesterday afternoon caught me off guard. I am grateful that my husband reached out to me. Again, this type of communication is so new for him it surprised me. His communication triggered me because I knew he was triggered but he doesn't have the same awareness I do. The thing that triggered him is understandable to me but I don't think he understands he was triggered or why necessarily.
I perceive my husband as still being in the FOG about his childhood and FOO. I have noticed that as I have changed my relationship to my myself and trauma it has in turn changed his relationship to himself and our relationship together. It is so cool but also disorienting. I try to talk about my experiences and I know he does his own research. I don't know exactly what he has learned or uncovered for himself. Which feels scary sometimes to me.
I think yesterday was a reminder that my husband and I have past trauma in our relationship that we are still working through. My brain thought that the past was about to repeat itself yesterday which is some of why I went into an EF. But when I got home, my husband had done some things to take care of himself like going for a walk. And we had a relatively chill evening.
The other aspect of my EF yesterday was one student in particular having a very obvious trauma response. This student is Autistic and shared with me earlier in the week how shunned he feels at school. His experience mirrors my own at this school. That is part of my pain - I know that the way I am treated is how students are treated. He was verbalizing his feelings and his teacher was ignoring him until one of the school psychologists could come see him. I didn't appreciate her ignoring him so I went and stood near him.
His words hurt though because they touched parts of me that are wounded. And I felt so helpless in supporting him because he won't get support he truly needs because the adults in his life do not understand trauma, CPTSD, or Autism/Neurodivergence in the way someone who lives it every day does.
I feel so driven to change systems so that students and adults don't experience what that student did yesterday or what I have. And yet I have no idea how to do that. Humans are so slow to change and there are huge societal aspects that are difficult to overcome. I try to see the example of how my changes within myself have supported change in my husband and in students I work with. But I want the change to be bigger.
rainy, :hug:
I'm so sorry that two massive situations came in a short period of time. I do see a lot of progress though in your post about your marriage and the way it continues to evolve. That can't be minimized. I'm not saying you are, just saying its
REALLY WONDERFUL. Suicide anniversaries are very, very tough and last for days, in my case anyway, so I agree with Armee
QuoteYou both will come out the other side of this and it just may be very very hard for several days.
Your compassion and awareness of your student's needs are exactly what we all need. Someone to recognize and do something. Standing near him was showing your care. :yes:
Hi Rainy. I think I see what you are saying...that not only is the anniversary hard because of the suicide death and trauma around that, but it sounds too like maybe that had a ripple effect in your marriage for a bit and so this anniversary carries two triggers. So :hug: and :hug:
You and your H sound stronger than ever together and I have belief you can ride this difficult period together, supporting each other. It may be that you have to hold up more than your share of the weight for a bit, and if that is true perhaps H will absorb that and learn from you and do a better job supporting you once his EF passes.
Keep on wishing and working for the big changes, Rainy. They are usually built from several small changes. Thank you for standing with your student and seeing his trauma.
Bee, I appreciate your words and support. :hug:
Armee, I appreciate the reminder of small steps. :hug:
..........
I feel odd today. I have a lot going on this week and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I had weird dreams last night that I can't remember but have left me feeling unsettled. I also feel hot in my body but don't have a fever.
I imagine a lot of this is the prospect of facing three more weeks in my job. I also have my big 50K run this coming Saturday that I've spent 6 months training for. And an impending move that I haven't really gotten into yet as I wait for these other things to settle down.
Over the past several weeks, a lot of memories have been coming up. Mostly memories I feel a lot of shame over. In all areas of my life. I haven't felt able to face them yet or integrate them.
I am also reflecting over my relationship to my husband. This week was the week we met 13 years ago. This is also the month that led up to a very unpleasant international trip that created a lot of stress with my FOO. This month is also the month we prepared for a traumatic move that created a lot of stress in our marriage. This is also the month that led to my BIL's death and there is still a lot I don't know about my husband's experience with his brother in those final months of his life.
This month holds a lot. When September comes around, a part of me expects something bad to happen in the coming months. I feel like I hold my breath from now until the new year.
Those are a lot of anniversaries all in one month, rainydiary. :hug: :hug:
It makes so much sense you'd be holding your breath right now thru the new year, Rainy. Hang tight however you need to get through it. This is a lot on top of your job change. The 50k will take a lot out of you hopefully in a good way and force you to rest and take good care of yourself for a bit.
I'm sorry there's gaps in what you know of your H's experience. I know that is hard. My husband said next to nothing when he came home after his dad killed himself. He was there trying to keep his dad from doing it. He had to deal with the body.
He never said anything to me about it until more than 10 years had passed and just knowing there was stuff there and not knowing what was really hard, esp because it leaked out in other ways without having clear sight of why. It was a relief when he finally told me a little about his emotions and it helped me make sense of some of his reactions to my stuff.
I hope as you both get closer he lets you in more.
And one of these...
:hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate the perspective. It is a lot! :hug:
.........
Armee, I appreciate you sharing about your husband's experience. It seems like my husband is processing what happened. I think that will be a life long process. I hope I can be supportive of him when I am able.
Thank you too for the support and encouragement. :hug:
.........
Today has been weird and it is hard to process Mondays:
I have a coworker who is trying really hard to be nice after she has been so unpleasant for 3+ years
I led a meeting I didn't want to do but it went ok
Students were inconsistently available as happens sometimes
I was bit by a student - I think the bite was sensory seeking - it didn't break the skin and wasn't intended to hurt - I didn't tell anyone because I am ok and the student was just trying to communicate
I was sort of blamed for a student eating a piece of cake (the student is supposed to eat gluten free) - my question is why did the parent send a treat with gluten if there is a risk the child would eat it when there are lots of GF desserts?
My husband told me he wants to go visit his family in October for a week - this is a trip he often makes this time of year and I always find myself a little disappointed he wants to go
I had to eat dinner quickly so that I can join my yoga call
*
The best part of the day is that I received an invitation to interview for a job outside of my current field. I wasn't expecting to hear and so was glad to receive the invitation. The impression I get is that it is a place I would enjoy working at. I am just grateful for the chance to be considered- it is boosting how I feel.
One step at a time.
:hug:
It's sweet that you didn't report the bite. Thank you for being so caring to these kids. It hits a special spot for me. My daughter bit the principal her first day of kindergarten because he picked her up. I got to school and she was sitting on the floor in front of him and he had her basically in a choke hold and she was sobbing and hysterical.
You're doing a good job with all these difficult situations with your H and his family.
And wowee a job interview!!! When is it?
Thank you Armee. I am sorry for your daughter's experience - kids do the best they can and often as adults we don't consider what we might have done to contribute to something they do.
Perhaps I upset this student in some way - I think more she hasn't been feeling well and her communication tends to be very physical given her needs.
I appreciate your support in the other areas, I'll say more below.
..........
The job interview is Monday. It is during my work day and I'm not sure yet how to handle. I may take Monday off. I will need to spend some time preparing for the interview. The work sounds similar but different to my current job and I will need to prepare ways to reframe my work for what they are seeking.
I am trying my best to support my husband. I struggle with his relationship to his family. I also have really been struggling with my relationship to my family. I feel so much guilt and haven't really told my parents my plans of late. This is my life and I will do what I need to for me....but a part of me still is trying to prove my worth to them and knows that they will "freak out" about me leaving my job and moving somewhere new.
For now, I hope to sleep with fewer unsettling dreams.
Wishing you peaceful sleep, rainy :hug:
Bach, thank you. I slept relatively soundly. :hug:
..........
In such a weird place. I am tired of going to work and yet there are only 2.5 weeks left. I keep being assigned or expected to do things while also being treated like I don't matter.
Today I relooked at the job description of the job I am interviewing for on Monday. I am often not great at reading things closely....and when I re-read this job description, my first thought was "Why do they think I can do this job?"
The first line of the job description mentioned that is a leadership position. The job is a lot about community building and leading and training and managing others. I so did not make that connection when I applied.
Part of me is glad I didn't read closely as I wouldn't have applied and wouldn't have been given this opportunity to put myself out there. My experiences and skill set lend themselves to the job. The challenge will be believing in myself and showing up with confidence to the interview.
The interview will be on Zoom. I have a lot of preparation to do for the interview. It feels like a chance though. A chance to learn and grow and to show my strength.
I'm not sure why these specific memories have been coming up but they are:
When I was in elementary school, I went through a phase where I stole things from other students. I eventually stopped and tried to repair what I had done by giving back the things I stole.
When I was in high school, I was spending time with a friend. I must have been gone for too long in my mom's mind. She had gone through my room into my planner to find the phone number of the friend I was with.
I haven't had much time, opportunity, space, energy of late to process and integrate memories like these.
I don't think I mentioned this yesterday but I did have a more direct interaction with my mom about my move and plans for a new job. I guess my parents did understand more than I realized that I am serious about moving. While I don't actually feel supported by them, it helps me to know that they at least know our plans.
My heart is so heavy today.
I know leaving my job is the right thing to do, but I will miss the students I work with so much.
Today I told a student I am leaving and his reaction really broke my heart. Last year he was having a really difficult time and he told someone that I am one the only people at the school he can talk to. I am sorry to leave him.
I am sorry to leave all of my students because I love them all from the bottom of my heart. I am so sad today over this. And yet, I cannot stay. I have to go.
Hi Rainy Diary,
Sending you a hug :hug: I know you're understandably sad about leaving, and especially that student whose life you've touched, but at least he has the memory of someone that was kind and supportive to him, and he can keep that memory with him. It meant something to him.
Hope :)
:hug: good luck with your ultra this weekend.
Hope, I appreciate the reminder that I can be a positive memory for others. :hug:
..........
Armee, thank you. I am nervous and hope I can sleep tonight. :zzz:
..........
Today was hard.
A student had a medical emergency and the school called emergency services. The number of individuals that responded to the call for help was ridiculous. I don't know what the right number is, but given what I know of my workplace, most of the people responding do it out of "show." This is the 2nd time emergency services has been called for this student and I hope their family and the school sort out a plan for their safety.
The day in general was exhausting too. It was a celebration day for Homecoming and there was a pep assembly. The assembly impacted the schedule and overwhelmed a number of students I work with. Given the schedule change I ended up basically being a filler for times when the coverage for students failed.
The hardest part of this is that the two above situations kept me in close proximity and contact with my most difficult colleague all day. I appreciate that she has a hard job and I've never doubted that. But her way of handling things is often so unprofessional and thoughtless and careless it is annoying. It's even more annoying how everyone spent the day worrying over her and "checking in" on her. She does so well at painting how hard her life is and everyone buys it.
Because I got overwhelmed today, I worry I was careless with words I said to her. Today was a prime example of why I need to leave this job.
For now, I am hoping to sleep so that I can wake up and do my run. I've been preparing for this for 6 months.
I completed my 50K run. It was such a challenging day - it was so hot. But I finished. My training paid off and now I can rest.
Of course my mind won't really let me celebrate or feel ease. I worry I got sunburns and that I need to see my dermatologist. I have two spots on my neck that I'm almost certain are bug bites but folks freak out so much over my exposure to the sun given that my skin is extremely fair and I am at risk of skin cancer. I'll see how I'm doing this week and decide.
That's a huge accomplishment! :cheer:
Well done Rainy! :cheer:
well done, indeed, rainy. :cheer: :hug:
Thank you Armee, Snowdrop, and San! :grouphug:
..........
My legs have been very sore today. I thankfully don't think I actually got sunburn yesterday. I am already thinking about planning another run. I definitely need some to rest and recover first.
I plan to call in sick tomorrow for work because I cannot walk well and I have a job interview at an odd time. I feel so much guilt for calling in. It won't stop me from doing it but I know tomorrow won't be restful.
I have two more weeks in this job. I don't want to go anymore. Especially after Friday. I feel like I gave my most difficult coworker ammunition. *sigh* The time will pass.
I have called in sick and am trying to get my day started.
I am noticing that I feel rather blue today.
I have worked hard for 6 months at running and now that is over. That had provided a lot of structure to my life that is now gone (at least for now, I do plan to train again after recovering).
I am about to leave a job I've been at for over 3 years. That also has provided structure to my life and it is almost over.
I am getting ready to move and leave a place I've lived in for over 6 years. This is also structure.
I'm also interviewing for a job that I worry is out of my league and that is different from the work I've been doing for almost 10 years. My identity is rather connected to this work. I am trying to remember that a job interview doesn't guarantee a job and that I don't have to take the job if it isn't a good fit. But I also don't want to be closed off to an opportunity that might be good for me.
My husband's interactions with his family have also started getting on my nerves. He is returning to some old habits with them which just get under my skin (such as answering multiple phone calls a day from his sister even when we are busy doing something else).
This type of stuff does tend to ramp up this time of year because of the holidays and it may be connected to his brother's death. I have a suspicion it is all somewhat about our plan to move.
I think this is especially hard because my husband has shared things of late that I thought meant he sees the harm his family causes. When he continues to play into their weird dynamics it bugs me. And yet, I also know this is very complicated. He is in his own place with this and the best I can do is take care of myself and support him if I can.
This is a lot. I am making changes for a reason and today it is feeling heavy. I am grieving and grief is such a complex thing especially when I am grieving a number of things.
:hug:
honestly, rainy, there is so much loss in your post. perhaps even a feeling of loss at seeing your hub retreat to old patterns with his family, like he lost his momentum to keep moving forward. you're right, this will pass. please, be gentle with yourself while you go thru this grieving period. i agree grieving is complex, and with that comes messiness. i applaud :applause: your willingness to take time to recover after your big run.
reading about feeling blue after it was done reminded me of the same type of feeling i'd get the day after christmas. i'd decorate, bake, host parties, shop, wrap gifts busy busy busy - then, nothing. it was almost like a depression. so much adrenaline used to make sure everything got done, and deflation afterward. just get thru it, one day, the next day, then the next. i can't imagine the pressure you're feeling. sending love and a hug filled with care and caring. :hug:
Bach, :hug:
..........
San, thank you for your words. I was surprised at all the loss I felt this morning. It is just like what you said after the holidays. I have spent 6 months focused on this goal. And the end of it has also come to signal a switch to focusing on moving. I appreciate your support.
..........
I am glad I stayed home today. My body is needing rest. I also didn't understand that my interview would be 2 hours and that would have been difficult to hide at work.
My interview today went well. I did the best I could. I received some positive feedback on things I said. Even if I am not offered the job or it doesn't work out for some reason, I am proud of trying and for getting this opportunity to talk to them.
A lot is coming and I will do my best to take one step at a time.
That sounds really positive about the interview Rainy! Even if you had bombed it you put yourself out for an interview with a job that was outside your typical area and comfort. That alone is major! But even better that you got positive feedback and feel good about it! Yeah you!
Training for and completing a huge 50k race takes a lot of focus and discipline and gives you something to work toward. Even without everything else going on right now with job and a move and grief and H...finishing a major race is almost always a big source of...well...let down. Because now there's nothing where there used to be something. You aren't yet ready to start training for a new race and the most you can do is start daydreaming about which one is next. In other words...it's normal and understandable to feel how you feel right now. And it also kind of sucks to feel that way. :grouphug:
There's just a lot of emptiness right now where there used to be stuff and that'll take some adjustment and grief and I'm inspired by your abiltiy to grieve appropriately. I'm learning from you as you share. Thank you.
Thank you Armee. I appreciate your words and support. :hug:
..........
I am trying to find the will to go to my job. I have until next Friday. But I don't want to go.
Thoughts of how toxic my coworkers act and things that have happened keep creeping in.
Tuesdays are days I get to work with students I especially enjoy. I will try to focus on that.
hang tough, rainy. one day, then one day, and eventually you'll be to the final day. i'm with you all the way. love and hugs :hug:
:hug: :hug: to you rainydiary.
:hug:
San, Blueberry, Bach: :hug:
..........
Well, I made it. Today reminded me why I need to get out of that school. It is so toxic. Removing myself is the only solution.
My foot has been bothering me since the run. It's difficult to walk. I can't quite tell what is going on. I don't feel bad enough to not go to work. I have a massage scheduled tomorrow and hopefully that will help my body feel a bit better. My body overall is doing well.
Other than that, I'm ok. My husband and I are making more concrete plans for moving. That has made me feel a bit overwhelmed but overall I am excited for the eventual outcome. Getting there will be challenging but that is ok.
sometimes it's good to have those reminders. not only do they help us stay on track, but they can also validate our decision to get out. altho it's been rough going for you, rainy, i'm so very glad you have something pos. to look forward to. sending love and a hug filled with healthy anticipation :hug:
San, :hug:
..........
Currently sitting at work waiting for a meeting to begin. I am feeling an overwhelming sense of anger. I keep getting emails about things I can't give my energy to. My foot also is still uncomfortable due to an abrasion. I probably should stay home and yet my field and current work situation is riddled with guilt and I am here.
:hug:
I hope you can stay off your feet as much as possible today while at work.
Your committment to taking care of your kids at school is really inspiring, Rainy.
Hang in there with the anger. I'd be feeling angry too, and feel angry for you. Its not fair to you, or good for the students, that your colleagues have made this a toxic unbearable work environment. :hug:
:yeahthat:
i agree with armee on all counts. sending love and a hug filled with diminishing days at this workplace :hug:
Armee and San, I appreciate your words and support.
..........
My anger comes from a place of watching how my colleagues act. My perspective is different now that I am not trying to make this work anymore. I cannot comprehend the actions of some of my colleagues. And I continue to be asked questions or to do work that isn't simple or something I can finish by next Friday. In many cases I don't respond or share what I can do.
During the meeting this morning,my anger didn't really go away. I know that my colleagues are feeling the strain of systems that aren't working for them either. I know that my colleagues say and do things as ways to cope. I see that the problems I've faced start at the top of the organization and trickle down.
And yet.........
There are ways for us to collaborate and support one another in productive, respectful ways. And I am just disgusted by the state of things.
My massage therapist messaged me that she is sick. I am so disappointed that our session is cancelled. I do understand and want her to care for herself. And yet it also feels bad because I was really looking forward to that today.
Noticing all the parts of grief today. My anger today was a lot in part due to grief.
Tonight as I prepare for sleep, I have in the students that have expressed emotion at my leaving. While I love and care about all of my students, there are 6 that I am crying over right now.
I know how it feels to not be accepted for yourself and to have a brain that functions differently from everyone around you. These 6 young people and I have found what works for them. I am so sad because I know they won't have another person that respects their functioning. I also recognize that these young people experience trauma and that CPTSD may be part of their story.
The way they function has been pathologized instead of accepted. I just hope they will continue to have people in their life that treat them with dignity and respect. I wish I could continue to know them and work with them. I hope I have made a difference for them.
i know how tough it is to leave students behind, and i'm sorry you're having to go thru this, thru the grieving, and thru the missing of working with them. this will soon end, even tho it's rough getting from here to there. with you all the way. love and hugs :hug:
San, thank you. Today I made a list of the students that have expressed the most distress over me leaving and shared it with some colleagues. It doesn't change that I am going and leaving these students in the hands of people that I know don't really understand them...but it's all I can do.
........
Tonight a show I was watching with my husband really caught my heart.
In the show a set of characters experienced a traumatic event. The main character experienced PTSD. When she was ready to talk about what happened to a child that was involved in the event, she said, "How is he supposed to move forward?" She then reflected on her own relationship to her children and wondered what pain she has caused them.
I cried and cried and cried. The question of how one moves forward brought to mind this community. I appreciate having you all to help me move forward.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but my end date is nearing. My foot is slowly healing and my body overall ok after that long run. My heart is sore from love and grief. I am grateful that the massage that got canceled the other day is rescheduled to tomorrow. I am moving forward and that is something.
it is something indeed. love and hugs, rainy. :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
Firstly, I wanted to Congratulate you on your running and what an achievement that was. I know I'm late in saying that, but I really admire what you did, and I hope your body has recovered from it, as I am sure it must have taken such a lot of strength to do that. Mentally and physically. Well done. :cheer:
I also wanted to say that I've been reading your updates on how you're coping with the ending of your job, and the transitions you're making, and it's made me think about some of my own in a reflective way. What I see in what you share, is that you are considering so many things, and that your heart is very caring towards your students, and I feel sure that your kindness will stay with them, long after you have left, and that you have made a significant difference to them. I also think that the fact you can then go to another place, means that people there will benefit from having you around.
That show you watched with your husband, and how it enabled you to express your feelings, it sounds really powerful, and I hope you're ok.
Your caring for your students, and passing on the information to your colleagues, I hope that they will do their best to do something positive with it.
Hope :)
You really are moving forward and that is something. It's something so powerful, and worth feeling really proud of.
I wish I could soften some of the grief for you but I know it says such admirable things about you and what you care about and I just respect you so much for how you care for and look after your students. They need more people like you in their lives.
San, thank you. :hug:
..........
Hope, I appreciate your support. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as reflective as I am because it can often cause me a lot of pain...and yet I think it is a superpower too.
..........
Armee, thank you. I am realizing the depth and complexity of my grief and think I will have much to process in the coming weeks and months. I appreciate your support on my journey.
..........
Currently waiting for my massage therapist. I want to try to clear my head a bit before going in to see her.
I am now down to 5 more work days. I am dreading my last moments with the students I know. More I am dreading the fake behavior of my colleagues. I do not want any attention brought to me by them. I just want to go.
I just feel weird overall. I am outgrowing and leaving situations but don't quite have what is next defined. I'm in unknown territory in all areas of my life and it is a bit disorienting.
hey rainy,
I wanted to say how much this impacts me:
QuoteToday I made a list of the students that have expressed the most distress over me leaving and shared it with some colleagues.
This shows so much compassion, caring and empathy for those individuals. Your ability to see and feel their needs, to take it into your heart and then pass that information on is truly extraordinary. You are
"being the change you want to see in the world."Grief is deep and complex, which makes excavating so painful. The present and past are interwoven in a dense mass. And you are required to still wear a mask, keep up appearances and carry on. I hope your massage helped a bit to bring you some safety and comfort.
I'll be counting down the days with you. It's so wonderful you made it to single digits!
:yeahthat: i reiterate everything bee said. 5 days. you've been so strong, even when it didn't feel like it, and now you're on the homestretch. your students will miss you, but will also be glad for the interaction they had with you. we need more people like you to work with kids. love and hugs :hug:
Bee, I appreciate your reflection. Thank you for your post. I especially appreciated thought of grief as a dense mass. That resonates with me. I will be thinking on tat this week.
..........
San, I appreciate your words. I agree that our children and world need more of things I try to offer. It wouldn't be as exhausting if I feel like I wasn't the only one.
..........
The weekend has been ok. I am still in a weird mood. Been a little more short tempered with my husband than I would like. Not sure how to process where I'm at. Not looking forward to enduring this week.
My husband and I have made more concrete plans for moving forward. We even tried making a bucket list of things we want to do where we currently live...and came to see we are ready to move on.
We also signed up for a run in December we have done a number of times and enjoyed. It feels good to have something to train for.
This week will pass. I am astonished at how time passes as it does. I think some of my weird mood is that I don't have another job lined up and I don't want to keep doing exactly what I'm doing now because I know it isn't working. I think things will open up as they should.
Something I've been struggling with and thinking some about is how attached I become to so many things. I do need a sense of safety (we all do), yet things are always changing and that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I'll be thinking of you this week, Rainy.
Rainy,
I'm glad to see you've signed up for a run in December, and that when the time comes today, the count down will be 4. A couple posts back you talked about you and H watching something related to trauma and you ended up crying. Just as "solidarity" I do the same, crying over scripted shows, which somehow make me grateful it's written in, and that I've given myself permission to feel enough to release sadness or grief.
The bucket list: yeah, I get that completely too. Been there, done that.
True, things are constantly changing and the things we get attached to also change over time and with growth. Certain things we didn't think we could LIVE WITHOUT, even 6 months ago, suddenly fall down the priority list. I've found that same dynamic very surprising since I always thought, once attached, always attached.
Armee, much appreciated.
Bee, I appreciate your reflection and support. My husband and I watched a video yesterday and we both cried. I find it cool that we are showing that side to one another. I am having a lot of thoughts on attachment that I'm sure I'll explore more as the weeks go by.
..........
I made it through my last Monday. Mondays are pretty light student contact days and there were a lot of students absent due to illness.
The overriding emotion today was anger. Anger at someone speaking rudely to me. Anger at the falseness of colleagues. Anger at how dysfunctional this place is. Anger at how they have already torn down the passion and contribution of a new person.
I left work early because at this point what are they going to do?
I anticipate that tomorrow will be more challenging.
rainy,
I like this level of acceptance!
QuoteI left work early because at this point what are they going to do?
Your observation about you and your H sharing "that side" to each other warms my heart.
Bee, thank you for your words and support.
..........
Work has already been difficult today.
I started my day with a meeting to review a student's plan. This student has a history of trauma and I imagine CPTSD will be part of their story if it isn't already. I didn't realize this student is as attached to me as they are - they started crying in the meeting that I am leaving.
I offered that I can share an email address where students can reach me in the future if they would like. I hope to hear from some of them.
I cried after this meeting. I had a few "last" sessions with students that I care a lot about. It is very hard and I imagine I will cry some more.
I decided to tell my team that I would rather not answer any questions about my move. I've been sharing as little as possible anyhow, but I have a few folks who are pressing me. Given that I know some of them are just trying to get dirt on me, I would just rather not talk about it. I can some folks just don't know what else to say. They could say "It's been nice working with you" and yet that isn't coming up.
The rest of the workday should be ok. My most difficult colleague isn't here today which makes things feel less bad. I am just sad.
Hi Rainydiary,
I think you're so brave to be facing your remaining days at work in the way you are doing. I really do. I also admire you for setting your boundaries, regarding what you choose to share with your team.
Hope :)
Sadness seems like a good emotion to have right now. It IS sad. It is the right thing but sad.
I'm sorry your colleagues are trying to get dirt. I agree with your approach of grayrocking that one.
Hope, I appreciate your support. It is encouraging.
Armee, thank you for validating. As sad as I feel saying goodbye to my students, other things make me know I need to go.
..........
My hypervigilance is ramping up today. I haven't been sleeping well and random memories of times I felt out of control are coming up. Some of this is related to my menstrual cycle, but most is a response to this week.
I have this fear that some type of nastiness is going to come out at work. I am afraid that after I leave I will be dragged into something. I feel like I am in trouble. I am afraid of something I can't predict happening.
And yet I also think some of what I am picking up on is how incomprehensible my choice is to my colleagues. Their nastiness is born out their own feelings. They feel like they lack agency and so do unkind things to one another to cope...and don't even necessarily see they are doing it.
My heart is broken over my students. But I need to get out of this place because it is not safe for me. I am getting closer and my body and brain are reacting, trying to keep me safe.
rainy
QuoteI feel like I am in trouble. I am afraid of something I can't predict happening.
Could this be some memories from taking a stand in the past and meeting resistance? You may have left situations before, but probably not with a 30 day agony beforehand. You deserve a respectful work environment.
QuoteTheir nastiness is born out their own feelings. They feel like they lack agency and so do unkind things to one another to cope...and don't even necessarily see they are doing it.
Yes.
such a tremendous week you're going thru. i'd be a wreck, i'm sure of that. it will pass, tho. one thing i've often done when at the dentist (not a fan, hurts too much) is visualize myself being finished and walking out the door, all done, full of relief for having lived thru it. don't know if something like that could be helpful for you. whatever does help, i'm wishing you heaping doses of it. just a few more days, rainy. you're doing it. sending love and a hug filled with support :hug:
Bee, yes I do think a part of me is afraid of backlash for standing up for myself - I appreciate you pointing that out. Also this 30 days has been painful. I have resigned positions to leave once the school year was over. Leaving at a time that seems random in school culture is tough. I will say more below but today has really emphasized for me why I need to go.
San, I like the idea of visualizing being done. I think I have been visualizing the loss of my students and not the benefit of not being here.
..........
My day started off with a meeting that captured many of the reasons why I must go.
While certainly there are people I want away from, what I really want away from are some qualities present here that aren't good for anyone.
One is mistrust. When I arrive to work and see cars in the parking lot that usually arrive after me, I worry I haven't been told the time a meeting starts. This borders into unprofessionalism but my immediate colleagues refuse use calendar invites so it is always unclear when things actually are.
Another is disrespect. Having space to do my work is always a challenge. Today my colleagues basically indicated a space I was told I could use and that I indicated on calendars is where I am is no longer available to my role. Out of habit and years of this happening, I got so mad because they undermine my work by not giving me space to do it. It signals to students that what we do doesn't count or matter.
Something else is competitiveness. Folks here are interested in putting on a show and one upping each other. It creates a culture of reactivity instead of listening. We aren't working to lift each other up but rather tear one another down.
Last is how unsafe it feels to be here. I am still upset by the way I've been treated and how the only way I can truly stand up for myself is by leaving.
That sounds like an appalling work culture Rainy. I'm sorry that you had to put up with it so long and that the students end up paying the price.
It sounds toxic, Rainy. I'm glad you'll soon be out of there. :hug:
Armee & Snowdrop, it is appalling and toxic. I have learned a lot of what I hope to avoid in the future. :no:
..........
I did not sleep well again last night. Up very early and already feeling tired. My spoons might already be gone for day.
A lot of vivid imagery is coming to mind.
I imagine my work environment has left me with thick sludge stuck to my skin. It had seeped to my mind. I've slowly been working to clear it away. I think I've cleared it the most in my mind.
I am also imagining that I am sinking in some type of body of liquid. Perhaps it used to be the sludge. The sludge has slowly been changing to water and I am remembering that I am a good swimmer.
The direction of safety isn't toward my current colleagues. They act like it is and are acting like I am so unreasonable.
But I finally saw that I can swim in the opposite direction. I might not be able to see where I am headed but the water feels better and supportive.
I truly am in uncharted territory in my life. I notice my brain wanting to drag up old habits. I have had trouble navigating that...but I think things will begin to shift even more when I can stop giving energy to showing up at work.
rainy,
I'm so impressed by the balance you've shown by keeping yourself above water in the final days.
QuoteBut I finally saw that I can swim in the opposite direction. I might not be able to see where I am headed but the water feels better and supportive.
You've hit the target not only with your statement above but also with your list of behaviors which are in the sludge: mistrust, disrespect and competitiveness. Concrete examples helps to connect your experiences to others' in that regard. Sometimes I can't "see" my own experience until I read it elsewhere.
Rainy Diary,
I've been away for a few months. I haven't totally caught up on your journal, but enough to see that you are leaving your toxic work environment. Sad to be leaving your students. Clearly, some of them took in your care. That is something that they will carry with them. Good job in having strong boundaries and not telling co-workers information that they do not need to know.
Bee, thank you. I feel out of balance emotionally today and appreciate your words.
Notalone, thank you for your check in and words.
..........
My last day is here.
I have already lost my temper with my husband. He is looking ahead to our future and all I feel is the loss of this job. My reaction is an EF - to what I am not sure.
I do not want to go today. I am tired of being told that the reason my colleagues aren't speaking to me much is because "they don't know what to say."
I have noticed that I haven't been very present with myself at work this week. I've spent a lot of time distracting myself. Today I hope to stay as present as feels safe. Make the most of last interactions with students.
I'll be thinking of you and your students today as you say goodbye. Of your colleagues I'll be thinking something that I'm not allowed to type here.
I'm hoping for an enormous feeling of relief as you walk out at the end of the day.
Thinking of you today. I'm guessing that you will have a lot of feelings. I hope that you experience some relief in leaving. I think that you are really brave.
i say a big 'poo' on those colleagues. they have no idea how much of the problem they've been.
thinking of you on your last day. keep taking care - you're almost there. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Thank Armee, Notalone, and San.
I made it.
I am exhausted.
My going was marked by finding out I've been exposed to COVID.
There were many interactions that I'm sure I'll think on later that continued to reflect the way my colleagues are.
For now, hoping my vaccine and masks and personal care keep me well.
fingers crossed and prayers flying that you stay well. after everything you've gone thru in that place, being exposed to covid put the cherry on that cake. i'm so glad you're out of there, done with those people. sending love and a hug filled with rest and some well-deserved peace. :hug:
rainy,
Amen to your completion of a hard road. Your tenacity in doing so with the determination to learn lessons and observe all those feelings was extraordinary and deserves some kind of award. A milestone in your life!
QuoteMy going was marked by finding out I've been exposed to COVID.
This takes a huge toll. I'm so sorry. My expletives are deleted but said out loud anyway. You can only do your best, which you've already done with vaccination and masking. Will continue to think of you as you endure the latest health threat.
:yeahthat: all of it!
rainy, I am SO glad you are out of that toxic place.
Here's hoping you don't have coronavirus. :hug:
Blueberry, Bee, San, thank you, your words are much appreciated.
..........
Today is weird.
I had written up a second post on her last night that didn't get posted. I will write more about that another as it was related to some final gaslighting conversations at my former job.
My husband found this outdoor concert for us to attend tonight. I don't really want to go. On one hand it feels inappropriate given that I was exposed to COVID. I was told I don't have to quarantine and I haven't developed any symptoms. I plan to mask as much as I can around others.
I am just exhausted and I don't think he understands. At some point the two of us do need to start living a joint life. But I can't express to him how exhausted this former job made me.
I am reminded that the only time I truly feel relaxed is when I am alone. I need some time to process all that has happened and find a way forward. I worry tonight will just be overstimulating.
rainy, i hope you made it thru the concert all right, but i totally related to the idea of something having been so tiring - look at all the mental and emotional acrobatics you've had to accomplish while you were there - that the aftermath is nothing but exhausting. i hope you find time alone to just gather yourself to yourself, and regroup all your facilities in order to move forward. that life together will come, but i think the idea of having time and space to process it all is right on the button. sending love and a big hug to give yourself :bighug:
San, it ended up being an ok time. I know it meant a lot to my husband that we went.
..........
I am finding myself in a very emotional space.
It felt weird to not go to work today. I found myself noticing the times that school started and ended. I wondered if my absence was felt.
I began packing today. Over the weekend I also cleared out materials I have for work on Google drive. I came across some papers I wrote in grad school. My first thought was "Wow, this sounds smart, how did I write this?" I found a paper I wrote for a counseling course I took and was taken aback how I butted against my trauma but didn't realize it. I called my experience by a different name and yet couldn't quite put my finger on what I was grappling with back then. But I knew something was off even then.
I am reminded how difficult packing and clearing out stuff can be. I feel emotion simmering under the surface. I'm not feeling up to facing it all. I think I am still in my grief process. And I am grieving a lot of things as always.
I came to my journal today because I am still waiting for retaliation from my colleagues. I imagine they all have bigger issues than me at this point.
But I have so much to process. Even on my last day, the individuals that I had the "beginning of the end" conversation with in May had to get in their last jabs: "We know you had to deal with decisions you didn't like" and "We just want you to be happy" while getting misty eyed. I don't even know what I said to them. I rambled because I was in a way trying to make them feel better.
*sigh*. It is going to be such a process to recover.
It's almost like the beginning of the grieving process can start now, Rainy, because the work-related trauma is now in the past. Barely. But it's there behind you.
rainy,
This here:
"Wow, this sounds smart, how did I write this?"
You wrote it in a time & place when you had total focus on the subject. All your talents are still there, just more experiences added.
Your days will shift & change as you adapt to this new phase-it may be surprisingly good.
Armee, I appreciate these thoughts. I am still navigating this shift.
Bee, thank you. My time is different now and it is currently disorienting but I think right where I need to be for now.
.........
I haven't been sure what to say about this week. I'm not sure if I've been dissociating or if there is just an absence of drama that is extremely unfamiliar. I'm not sure how I feel right now generally. It is more neutral than usual.
I had a dream last night about a person I loved and knew a long time ago. It is interesting that of all the people in my past, I dream of him fairly regularly. This dream was distressing as in it his focus and attention were elsewhere and I desperately wanted to communicate my feelings to him.
I feel extremely sad by this dream. This is a person I haven't seen in about 20 years. We've kept in touch and yet I'm not sure what I am holding onto with him. He saw me and treated me with kindness and respect and that was so rare it was such a gift. I think I regret not being able to engage more with his offerings and attention because I was doing all I could to hold it together. And now this dream feels like my mind and body are starting to let go of him and it is making me so sad.
I have packed a bit more this week and have been trying to consider what I hope my new home and life will be like. It's hard to think of it too much as I am still in my current home for the foreseeable future.
Hi Rainydiary,
Your dream does sound sad, and brought up sad feelings for you. I relate to preciousness of someone who has been kind and respectful and how great a gift that is - I'm not surprised you would want to hold onto that. It makes sense.
You've had a massive shift to negotiate with leaving your job, so many things to process regarding that. I hope you're ok, and I wanted to offer you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Hi Hope, thank you. I appreciate your comfort and support. :hug:
.........
I am feeling grumpy. Today a lot of memories my Inner Critic associates with being a "failure" are coming up.
I keep waiting for some unnamed authority figure to come in and tell me I'm in huge trouble.
My mood is making me less patient with my husband. We are in very different places right now - I just want to chill and be left alone where he needs to do things to recharge for work.
I hope to find some ways to show myself caring and to tone down the ICr.
Quote from: rainydiary on October 11, 2021, 09:49:12 PM
I wondered if my absence was felt.
*sigh*. It is going to be such a process to recover.
Based on things you have written in the past, your absence is felt by the students who experienced your care. :grouphug:
Give yourself lots of space and kindness.
Waiting to get in trouble almost sounds a little like an EF? I hope the inner critic takes a break soon. You deserve a lot of props for what you did and how you did it, not criticism.
Hi rainy, I hope you're doing okay. I am glad you have been able to get out of that unhealthy environment (your workplace). I'm sorry though for the students you have had to leave behind, I know that can't be easy and it sucks you've had to make that decision. I know you meant a lot to them and have helped them with their own difficult situations. I am glad you were able to leave your email address with some of them. I hope they'll reach out to you.
I can relate to the sense of doom/feeling that you're going to be in trouble with some kind of authority figure. I noticed a little while a go a feeling that I am a grown up now and I can do whatever the heck I please. There is no one there to disapprove or make me feel bad for anything. I still tend to experience my life as if there are still these old rules that need to be followed, but they don't. I can really do as I please in my life. All these unspoken rules just simply don't apply anymore. I can pursue any interest I may have. I can stay out as late as I want. I can be as social or unsocial as I want. I don't have to ask anyone for permission for anything. If I wanted to, I could quit my job and it wouldn't matter one bit in the sense of being judged for it (the loss of income is another matter but that's not what I'm getting at). I think what I'm getting at is that I am in charge of my life now, and I am free to make any decision I want, and it's totally up to me. No one else gets to have a say, only me. There's a sense of freedom with this that I have started to feel, although this has faded a bit in the last few weeks. But your situation kind of made me think of this. You are in charge of your life. Your old co-workers have no say about your decisions. I hope you can maybe catch a wisp of this feeling, that your life's yours and you get to decide. You already have when it comes to your work environment. :hug:
Not Alone, thank you. It doesn't feel like it is going all that well, but each day brings up more than I was expecting. Today I was introduced to the idea that gentle means meeting one where they are at. I really liked that and am reflecting on that in terms of how I treat myself.
Armee, it is possible I am in an EF. I am having trouble getting myself oriented. I notice that a routine of sorts would be helpful, but I feel stuck because I don't want to continue to stay attached to where I currently living. I think I am keeping myself from feeling some things (like how sad I am to be leaving this state).
Owl, I appreciate your message. I am still growing my practice and understanding that I am an adult. I think right now my biggest struggle continues to be how great I feel when I am completely alone (even away from my husband) and how I feel so terrible in relationship to others and in groups.
.........
I am feeling sadness and other parts of my grief today.
I tried to start running again last week and think it was too soon after my big run. My body is not happy and it makes me scared. I think my body just needs rest from running. My body also has been feeling uncomfortable generally and I am struggling to find easeful ways of being in my body. It makes me sad and angry that my body continues to hold so much tension. Taking steps back and trying to be more gentle with myself is really tough right now.
Yesterday my husband and I went to a corn maze. I had fun for a while but then became incredibly disregulated because hunger, being too hot, and not knowing how much longer we would be in the maze tipped me over the edge. After we got out of the maze and I had some food, I watched many children around me melting down. I felt so foolish - I didn't learn good regulation tools as a child and am still reacting like one at times. I would say that I handled it relatively well in that I communicated with my husband and we took steps to resolve....and yet I still feel so foolish for getting so overwhelmed.
Tonight I did my yoga training. My group did a yoga sequence that triggered me. And then our group spent time discussing consent and co-regulation and things that I care a lot about but struggle with every day. The format of the training makes it difficult for me to process my experience with others.
I also heard from two former coworkers today. They are both folks I don't mind keeping some contact with...but contact with them is also difficult I am finding. Given that they both reached out today it made me wonder what happened with my former most difficult coworker.
I have been wondering of late how I am ever going to function around others. My wounds are so deep and kept somewhat fresh by that most recent job. And an upcoming move. And a lot of uncertainty. I am caught off guard by how sad I feel right now.
:hug:
Hi Rainy, i hope things are better today
Quote from: rainydiary on October 17, 2021, 01:05:44 AM
I am feeling grumpy. Today a lot of memories my Inner Critic associates with being a "failure" are coming up.
I keep waiting for some unnamed authority figure to come in and tell me I'm in huge trouble.
Hi Rainy,
I'm just catching up on your diary and it sounds like you are doing well, even if it doesn't feel that way. Like you say change can be scary and bring up a lot of things for people with traumatic backgrounds. Your dream sounded very positive though, that you are able to swim away from the sludge.
This stuck out and resonated with me. So many times when I did something that I wanted to do, or that I felt was good for me, I would have this voice that would come up and bring me back down. I just wanted to send support and say to keep supporting yourself, recognise that you have good intentions, that you are doing the best you can and that you are capable of handling everything. Sometimes when we let go of all those expectations we have of ourself and that others have of us, we're also letting go of a kind of love that we think we need (or maybe needed as a child) but where we're not really seen. I don't know if that's applicable to your situation but just what I was thinking.
dolly
Quote from: rainydiary on October 19, 2021, 02:39:38 AM
Yesterday my husband and I went to a corn maze. I had fun for a while but then became incredibly disregulated because hunger, being too hot, and not knowing how much longer we would be in the maze tipped me over the edge. After we got out of the maze and I had some food, I watched many children around me melting down. I felt so foolish - I didn't learn good regulation tools as a child and am still reacting like one at times. I would say that I handled it relatively well in that I communicated with my husband and we took steps to resolve....and yet I still feel so foolish for getting so overwhelmed.
My therapist has said to me, "You already hold so much." This analogy came to me. Suppose you were running a race and many other runners finished the race well before you did. You might ask yourself, "Why couldn't I have finished sooner?" But you were running 20K and others were running 10K and others 5K. You weren't given good regulation tools as a child. Good job communicating with your husband and taking steps to resolve your distress. It's okay that it was hard for you. You are carrying a lot.
Quote from: rainydiary on October 19, 2021, 02:39:38 AM
I am caught off guard by how sad I feel right now.
Your decision to leave your job was kind and healthy. It was a loss so your sadness makes sense.
San, :hug:
.....
Larry, I appreciate it. I think I am finally starting to feel and process some things. I also tend to notice anxiety in myself but not depression. I think I have been depressed and that is what I am facing. Thank you for your support.
.....
Dolly, your words are so powerful today. I have done something that is right for me and my brain is trying to create drama. I'm still working on it but I appreciate you saying this as it helps a lot.
.....
Not Alone, I appreciate the reminder of all that I carry. I think that stuff is always there and I have been carrying it "better" of late. But it is still heavy and all of these changes are bringing up more things that are pushing it out of balance. I appreciate your support.
..........
I never really think of myself as a depressed person but I would say I have been depressed the past several weeks since I left my job......and I think depression is part of my story that I don't readily recognize.
I have felt bad not coming to the forum of late. I haven't known what to say or how to process what has happened. I think I am starting to process some.
I have left a lot of jobs in my life and this was the first one I left with complete understanding of why I was going and with the decision to take care of myself. That has put me in a place I don't know how to be in and that feels scary.
Older parts of myself want to blame me for what happened. I keep having flashes of my most difficult colleagues and their hurtful words. I mostly feel anger and it makes my stomach hurt. Yet, a newer, wiser part of myself says that leaving was a tremendous lesson for them. I was teaching them things each day that deeply unsettled them and their reaction was harsh, mean, unkind, and unfair. I know I didn't do anything wrong....I just wasn't with my people.
I don't want to get a "regular" job when I move. I want to create my own job and make work and money on my terms. But that scares me and I don't really know how to do that. I have so many ideas and want to build a community and fulfill my vocation but I am afraid. I am afraid of failing.
I watched a presentation about anatomy for my yoga training and it was an anatomy conversation like I've never heard before. It made me cry because a lot of the conversation was about safety and I often still don't feel safe in my own body. The instructor was someone I hope to keep learning from.
The conversation of safety made me unsettled though and I think I generally don't feel safe right now because so much is unclear and uncertain. Deep down I know it will work out....but it will take time and one step at a time.
It sounds like there is a wiser part of you present that is offering you perspective and support. You are right, you didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like you have a sense that your most difficult colleague may be having to realize a few things about herself due to you leaving. If so, hopefully she'll learn from this experience.
It sounds like there's a lot of turmoil, but it also looks to me like you are on your way to a better future. I think self-employment is going to make a big difference for you, as hard and scary as it may seem right now. I think you will do well for yourself.
Things are unsettled now but they will get better and things will become clearer and less unknown. You'll get there. :hug:
:)
Quote from: rainydiary on October 22, 2021, 10:08:41 PM
Dolly, your words are so powerful today. I have done something that is right for me and my brain is trying to create drama. I'm still working on it but I appreciate you saying this as it helps a lot.
Hi Rainy - wanted to send support and hope that you are gentle with yourself...your old programs/parts are trying to keep you safe. Hoping too that you can find some distance from those feelings around your colleague. Dealing with confrontation brings up all sorts of intense feelings. I've been trying to deal with stuff at work by putting up boundaries and reminding myself that I'm being professional. I'm doing my best at the job, I'm being polite but firm etc all things that are appropriate for work. This has been good for me, but not sure what's would work for you.
Even though it's difficult stuff, it does sound like you're processing some of the things that have happened to you :cheer:
Owl, I appreciate the reminders and support. I've been going and going and going for so long. This time of slowness is difficult but also needed I think.
......
Larry, :)
......
Dolly, I appreciate your words and support. My old programs are definitely trying to run and I am doing my best to create new ones.
..........
I am feeling worn out right now. My husband hasn't been feeling well this weekend and when he gets sick it sets me back. I fall into old patterns of trying to anticipate his needs and plan all around him. Today I tried to remember that if he needs something I can give him the chance to express that on his own. It's hard because I have compassion for him - he didn't receive care for being ill growing up.....but I can't undo that. Today I ended up telling him I notice that I'm trying to guess his needs and left it at that.
I realized another way I had been triggered at work without realizing it - my colleagues knew that they were a cause in my difficultly and instead of acknowledging their role they put the blame on me. My parents did the same thing. A wiser part of myself knows that this happened with my colleagues and my parents for a lot of reasons that reflect their own unmet needs....but it still hurts a lot.
Something that has been on my mind a lot this weekend is touch. I didn't receive a lot of positive touch growing up, especially in difficult times. And I don't get a lot of positive touch now. I am sure I am touch deprived. Sometimes I feel so sad that I married someone whose upbringing left such gaps. Touch is a difficult discussion with my husband and I hope to find a way to discuss with him.
Hi rainy,
I know this is a difficult time of year for you even without the added stress of leaving work, planning a future move, and your husband being sick. I think you are handling everything with a lot of insight and maturity. I hope you can find a way to address touch needs with your husband and to have more emotional intimacy.
Hi Rainy,
I echo what Armee said and am sorry it's a difficult time for you right now.
I noticed in your post that you are saying you were the difficulty at work and that you're trying your best to create new ones (programs). It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself for things that aren't your fault. I don't think anyone would label you as difficult for trying to put up boundaries with competitive, catty collegues who refused to address your need to have clearer scheduling guidelines and find a way (and space) that worked for everyone. That sounds very reasonable and it's also reasonable that you are still that child who had to put up boundaries to survive. No one would fault them. You're doing well!
dolly
I had written the above but realize I misunderstood what you wrote. Your colleagues recognized they caused you difficulty but didn't offer support and put the blame on you. I have also been in the same situation...it's so difficult and it has nothing to do with you. It left me with despair but doing the work we're doing has helped me to find some strength in that and realize that like you said, those aren't the ppl for you. Hope your next situation is more supportive.
d.
You said "my colleagues knew that they were a cause in my difficultly and instead of acknowledging their role they put the blame on me. My parents did the same thing. A wiser part of myself knows that this happened with my colleagues and my parents for a lot of reasons that reflect their own unmet needs....but it still hurts a lot. "
Sorry, I tried to quote you, but missed out the first part so put quotations instead...
Hi Rainydiary,
I really resonate with what you wrote here, and I agree, that it does hurt a lot. But you have considered and noticed the trend/tendency and your wiser part is indeed wise to acknowledge those things.
Hope :)
Armee, thank you - I am coming into being a real adult I believe and I am in a new yet familiar place. I appreciate your support and encouragement.
.....
Dolly, I think your first interpretation is also present for me. I do blame myself at times for how things have gone. But I am also seeing how I got stuck in an old routine and dynamic. I do worry about getting into another situation like this again. I hope I have gained and grown in ways that will help me navigate differently in the future.
.....
Hope, I appreciate the solidarity.
..........
I have had two realizations over the past days -
1. I see my leaving my job as the leaving I couldn't do in childhood. I hope I have disrupted whatever cycle I was stuck in and feel grateful that I left this time.
2. I have always had an inner part of me that has said "keep going, it will get better." I think it is helpful to have a visualization of where I am going and what I want....but I also think I don't always stop to acknowledge that right now it is hard. It's not constantly hard and I have moments of ease, but it is ok to say "this is hard and I am sad and I don't know what I am doing."
Hi Rainy,
I'm glad that resonated with you. A part of me was very worried about saying it which are my own projections. I think that's a big step in recognizing that it is hard right now. You're getting in touch at a deeper level with your emotions, who you are and what you need and have set those boundaries about what works for you. I felt like I always had a constant idea of what I thought my life was going to be like and it didn't turn out like that, but I wouldn't change it now.
dolly
:hug:
Quote from: rainydiary on October 26, 2021, 01:43:17 AM
I have had two realizations over the past days -
1. I see my leaving my job as the leaving I couldn't do in childhood. I hope I have disrupted whatever cycle I was stuck in and feel grateful that I left this time.
2. I have always had an inner part of me that has said "keep going, it will get better." I think it is helpful to have a visualization of where I am going and what I want....but I also think I don't always stop to acknowledge that right now it is hard. It's not constantly hard and I have moments of ease, but it is ok to say "this is hard and I am sad and I don't know what I am doing."
Wow. I think these realizations are
huge! On #1, it emphasizes the
courage it took for you to make that decision and follow through. On your second realization, I like the idea of having a visualization of where you are going and allowing yourself to be okay when you don't know what you are doing. I often am just trying to get through. :hug:
Hi Rainy. Wondering how you are feeling. :hug:
Hi Rainy, i hope yoiu have a great day :wave:
Dolly, I appreciate your comment about things turning out differently than you expected. Me too and I agree I wouldn't want it differently.
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San, :hug:
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Not Alone, I appreciate your words and support.
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Armee, thank you, I'll give an update.
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Larry, thank you. I hope your days are going as well as they can.
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I just went and had a booster for the COVID vaccine. I hope that I don't end up feeling too lousy.
I am doing ok overall. This past weekend my husband and I took a weekend trip to a town we've enjoyed. This time round I think we saw that we are ready to find new places in a new state. We did have a disagreement last week that upset me - he was responding from a place that had little to do with the present. I don't know if my husband would identify with CPTSD but he definitely has EFs. It's hard for me when he has one because I don't know what to do.
I've had a lot of up and down feelings as I process my work experiences. I am wondering if it would help me to write down my story of work. I've had a difficult relationship to jobs my entire life.
My husband's parents are coming to visit next week. They literally just told my husband that his dad has skin cancer. I'm sorry that he is having that experience and I am also beyond frustrated at the way they handle things.
I carry a lot of disgust for my parents in law. I am thinking a lot about the time of my brother in law's death and I cannot excuse/forgive their behavior. And they time a trip to come out here and make my husband feel bad on the anniversary of his death.
I dread them giving my husband a hard time about us moving. He thinks they won't...but especially with this stuff about skin cancer and all I know they will lay it on.
I have a lot of worry about our parents as we get older. I don't want to care for my parents. I dread navigating that with my siblings. But I don't worry about my siblings being able to manage their lives. I dread what my in-laws aging and dying will mean to my husband and his siblings. His siblings are adult children and I don't want to be responsible for them.
I guess family stuff weighs on me this time of year anyways. I don't know how to be in relationship to my family and I want little to no relationship with my in-laws.
It's a lot to balance between all of these things.
rainy, i really like the idea of writing down your work experiences. sometimes we can find more clarity when we're able to see it in black and white.
i don't envy you the struggle you face with your in-laws. i just wish it could be different, they could be different.
i also struggle with family stuff around the holidays. there are so many expectations placed on the idea of family, especially that picture of the perfect family coming together in love and harmony. too many times it just ain't so.
keep taking care of you during these rough times, ok? here's hoping these experiences work themselves out in a way that provides you with as little stress as possible. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your message. I am noticing that Mondays of late have been knocking me down. I think some of it is perhaps habitual - I have a lot of negative energy that doesn't know where to go that used to be used to gear myself up a work week.
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I was more upset earlier than I realized. I went for some walks, did a yoga nidra practice, journaled, reached out to some folks, and spent some time reading Pete Walker's book. My feelings shifted and I saw that I am responding from an old place.
My husband and I have had a lot of issues around moving in our relationship in the past so I am expecting something to go wrong. I saw that he hasn't given me a reason this time to be so worried.
I am worried his parents will put too much pressure on him and that he will do what they want as he has done in the past. However of late he has been speaking and establishing boundaries with them differently. So, I can do my best to check in on how things are going without assuming the past will repeat. I am afraid of getting myself stuck or hurt again but hopefully this time I will be aware enough to speak up for my needs.
I have also been rereading Pete Walker's book. It is landing with me differently than before as I am able to get different meaning out of the words than I was before. I am so grateful he pulled that information together.
:bighug:
interesting theory, rainy, about the monday energy thing. you could be onto something.
sounds like there has been movement in a healthy direction for both you and your hub w/ boundaries and such. very glad for you both. keep up the good work, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Owl, thank you. :hug:
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San, I appreciate your support and the reflection in your words.
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The COVID booster made me feel unwell for a few days. I'm feeling much better today and having a variety of thoughts and experiences that feel big (mostly in a good way). I'm not sure exactly how to put it all in words but I will try.
The biggest roller coaster right now is the upcoming visit of my parents in law. I get to a place where I'm ok and then something else comes up.
For instance I just saw on our shared calendar that my husband is going to pick them up from the airport. He really should have told me and I also know that I am not great at welcoming conversation about this. The airport is a good hour away from us one way. I suppose many people would pick up family members from the airport...but with my in-laws it feels loaded. They choose flights that get into our city very late. Also, if they aren't renting their own car, it makes me wonder how much they expect us to drive them around.
My in-laws are heavy in my thoughts right now because I am still impacted by brother in law's death as well as being a member of this family by marriage. Their dysfunction is so different from that of my family. I see my parents in law as peaceless people - they have not faced or dealt with things in their lives. And now they are retired and suffering and bored and want to drag us all down in addition to the harm they already caused in raising their children.
I feel confused by what my husband wants out of the relationship with his family. I think he still primarily responds out of the FOG although I think he is starting to step out of it a bit. He told me he doesn't want to spend Christmas with them (which surprised me) so we are going to see my parents (which is a whole other layer for me to contemplate later). I think I need to find a way to be as prepared for their (unwelcome and unsolicited) visit as I can.
This morning I felt deep in my heart how I do not need to know how to do or be everything. As I think about what I hope for in the future and in my work, I often get stuck because I want to control things I can't really control. I also have a lot of perfectionism I've been working to let go of. I do hope to be able to feel more trust in others because they can bring or support things I may not know or have skill with.
I'm crossing into this space where I am starting to wonder if I am generally feeling more safe as well as more uncomfortable (in good ways). I am uncomfortable because I am attempting to do things that are new and without the loud refrain of my critic. Discomfort can feel like danger to my brain and yet there is a balance.
Hi Rainy, i know how hard family can be, sending you some good vibes !
Hi Rainy,
I echo San and appreciate how difficult family can be and how many expectations are placed on us. Especially around this time of year. It sounds like you and your husband are coming to more of a shared understanding about things which is great!
This sounds like a big realisation about not being able to know everything or do everything :cheer: I get that place it's coming from, to control everything so you're not in danger and can protect yourself.
Quote from: rainydiary on November 04, 2021, 07:53:06 PM
For instance I just saw on our shared calendar that my husband is going to pick them up from the airport. He really should have told me and I also know that I am not great at welcoming conversation about this. The airport is a good hour away from us one way. I suppose many people would pick up family members from the airport...but with my in-laws it feels loaded. They choose flights that get into our city very late. Also, if they aren't renting their own car, it makes me wonder how much they expect us to drive them around.
I understand this so well. I thought maybe she could bring up the subject of them renting a car and that brought back memories of trying out boundaries with my family and having it blow up in my face; that they would take it personally or be affronted. So, I would keep doing it to "keep the peace." To me it's like being suffocated in place - that you can't do either or almost. I guess it's almost that you can't make ppl happy.
dolly
Larry, I appreciate the support. I'll be ok for a while and then the afternoon arrives. I start getting super anxious in the afternoons.
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Dolly, thank you. Every other time his parents have visited they have rented a car so I just assumed they would this time. I know rental cars can be difficult to access right now, but I don't want to look too hard for a reason as to why they haven't - I have known them for a long time and know how they are. I will do my best to be a support for my husband and take care of my reactions on my own time.
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Today I notice that in the morning I felt fine. As noon approached, my mind began to fill with anxiety and dread and anger and disgust as I think of my in-laws.
I am bothered that they have timed their visit to be around the time of my BIL's death. I think it is a bad idea and I am somewhat entering an EF where I am thinking "what thing is going to happen in their family next week that is going to completely unravel my life?"
I am bothered that they will expect my husband to regulate their emotions. He is on edge already and I am afraid of how next week will go. It bothers me that they don't build relationships with other people their age to help them through tough times - they expect their children to do it and the weight of that has not been good to my husband and his siblings.
And yet, I spend all this time worrying about them and my husband and tend to not address me. I still do not understand what it is about them that unnerves and unglues me every time. I think it is somewhat their utter lack of boundaries. They are rude and unkind and lie. They insist on us all being together and it just results in fights and dysfunction. Each of them is forced to ignore their own individual needs for the group and then no one ends up in a good place.
I think they also send me subtle (and not so subtle) cues that I don't belong with them. My parents in law have tried since I've known them to manipulate and control me. I haven't always handled myself well with them but I don't fall for their games. And yet, they don't stop, they just sneakier and try to put my husband in the middle of it.
I keep hoping one day I won't react as strongly to the thought of their presence. Once they are here, I will be able to go with the flow....but the thought of them coming makes me so unhappy.
Hi Rainy, i know you are strong and can get through this, everyone here is thinking about you and ready to support you however we can
Rainy Diary,
I hear the anxiety you are feeling regarding in-laws visit. :hug:
Quote from: rainydiary on November 04, 2021, 07:53:06 PM
I feel confused by what my husband wants out of the relationship with his family.
My guess is that he is confused, or at least inconsistent about what he wants.
Quote from: rainydiary on November 05, 2021, 07:45:30 PM
I still do not understand what it is about them that unnerves and unglues me every time. I think it is somewhat their utter lack of boundaries. They are rude and unkind and lie. They insist on us all being together and it just results in fights and dysfunction. Each of them is forced to ignore their own individual needs for the group and then no one ends up in a good place.
I think they also send me subtle (and not so subtle) cues that I don't belong with them. My parents in law have tried since I've known them to manipulate and control me. I haven't always handled myself well with them but I don't fall for their games. And yet, they don't stop, they just sneakier and try to put my husband in the middle of it.
You might not understand everything about your in-laws that is distressing to you, but you named a number of factors that are upsetting. Even if you didn't have issues from your FOO, the behavior of your ILs would be disturbing.
Larry, thank you. It is helpful to have the reminder and thought of strength.
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Not Alone, thank you for the perspective. I suppose there doesn't have to be a reason other than that their behavior is upsetting. I give myself a hard time for not being able to handle it when really, why should I be able to?
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I am in a bad mood today. I think it has a lot of sources. I'm not too sure how to care for myself in this moment.
I feel relatively ok with regard to the upcoming visit and imagine I will feel up and down over the next few days until they get here.
Yesterday I got to a place where I felt so full of love and kindness that I reached out to my husband and to a friend to share my gratitude for them. There was a line in Pete Walker's book that really opened my heart. I will add that line in a future entry.
I think that my in-laws are actually afraid of me. Not because of anything in particular that I've done but for how I am. I don't feel comfortable around them but I also don't tend to compromise away my personhood. They don't like me and I don't like them which is ok.
I have learned that if I stand out of the way and not try to convince my husband to see things a certain way. His parents will ruin the visit and experience all on their own. It's just hard to watch. I don't like the pain they cause him and the pain it causes me. He will try so hard to please them when really they can't be pleased.
In the past I would share all my bad thoughts with my husband which then gave him a person to blame (me) for things not going well. When I don't do that, he has to somewhat face what is really there.
It will definitely be one step at a time in the coming days.
Hi Rainydiary,
So many things that you've said about the dynamics within your in-laws situation reminds me of my own FOO, and the interactions between myself and them. I just wanted to say that I admire the fact that you're able to retain your own personhood, and stick with your resolve, despite the things you come across in relation to them. I also wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
i think not allowing yourself to be set up between your hub and his parents is a great realization for you. i wholly support it. best to you during all this. love and hugs, my dear rainy. :hug:
That's an important insight around standing back and not sharing any of your thoughts about your husband's parents. That does keep you outside of the dynamic and doesn't muddy the waters that way. I can well imagine it's hard to watch. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Your husband is on his own path with his own timeline that it's going to take for him to figure things out. That's hard because it affects you and you can't change it, but it is helpful to be aware of that and to know getting out of the way of that will simplify his process.
I see you gaining more and more self-confidence and strength in the face of difficult people around you. It doesn't make it easier, probably, but maybe you can draw on that in moments where things feel discouraging.
Hi Rainy,
That sounds like the best you can do for him, to support him and let his parent ruin it on their own. I'm sorry that you have to watch it though. The last thing you want to see is someone you love get hurt. I second Larry and think it's an immeasurably strong thing to do.
I think you're right that it doesn't have anything to do with you. Sometimes healthy boundaries make people who don't have any uncomfortable and we don't have to change them to make them feel better.
Sending you support for the trip. My T told me today to think of my visit home as an archeological trip and gather information about human behaviour. Maybe that's helpful to you too.
dolly
Thank you all - this morning I don't have the capacity for individual responses.
My husband received a message this morning from his father that his uncle died from cancer.
For me, that explains a lot of why my FIL was convinced he has cancer.
It is sad news and I am sorry for the loss. Yet, I am so activated now. This is difficult timing and is going to make my husband and parents in law even more difficult to deal with this week.
I wish my in-laws would just stay home. If my husband feels like he needs to be with them, I wish he would just go to his hometown.
Times this like emphasize how differently my family responds to death versus how my husband's family does. To me, my in-laws' response is so over the top and draining on everyone's resources because they are so enmeshed.
I will not act "right" in this time for them. I do not want to go to my husband's home state. I think I am activated because I didn't go to my BIL's funeral and that caused a huge issue. I worry this is going to put a wedge between me and my husband when I inevitably don't live up to expectations his parents will have of me.
I am going to swim some laps and hope this day moves forward in an ok way.
I'm sorry Rainy. This sounds like it may indeed be quite difficult. I truly hope that they cancel their trip and do not come to you at a time like this.
Armee, thank you. :hug:
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It has been a difficult morning. I definitely have made assumptions about how my husband was going to act based on the past, primarily with how things went down when my BIL died.
I went swimming and while I swam, I acknowledged that I am afraid. My BIL's death was the thing that broke me wide open and led me to finally acknowledging abuse and trauma in my history. That made me less able to be there for my husband. My brain and body are afraid that is happening again (which it isn't and also I have gained a lot of tools and information I didn't have last time).
My BIL's death put a huge strain on my marriage. My husband was not kind to me and I was not kind to him. I seriously questioned if our marriage was over. I think the reality was that situation brought to the surface a lot we hadn't been dealing with and the way forward was to either face and grow or end our relationship.
My impression is that we have been facing and growing. I still have times where I wonder if I have made a mistake and yet deep down there is this knowledge I wouldn't have arrived at where I am without him.
Yet, part of my fear is that we are going to move backwards as his family navigates this. So, I feel this deeply in my soul as I am swimming and for some reason decide to try to be vulnerable with my mother about what I am dealing with.
That was a mistake. She launched into this tirade about a lot of stuff. She hurt me and I cried and began to feel terrible about myself.
What I noticed from this interaction:
My mom's response was more about her and boiled down to her wanting me to be happy (which is rich considering that I struggle with happiness because of how I was parented)
My parents criticize me for being too honest and telling people the harsh truth when anytime I try to receive comfort from them that is how they respond (honest, harsh) - I saw that this is what has been modeled as well as punished for me and it makes sense that I feel compelled to always tell people exactly what I think
I still want comfort from my parents but I am not going to get it
I actively worked my way through my feelings and ended up sharing my experience with husband. I was reminded how it feels when someone shares information a person did not ask for. It was a reminder that he has never asked me for how I feel or think about his parents behavior and I have hurt him. It was my attempt to stand up for myself when really the best thing might have been to share what I need and not make it about things I have no control over.
When I got home from swimming I saw that my husband wasn't falling apart like I assumed he would be. While I was away I tried to suggest something I could live with - that he go home and I will fly out when a funeral is planned. I have no actual interest in going to the funeral but I didn't go to my BIL's funeral and it caused so much strife.
My in-laws are still coming as far as I know which doesn't surprise me. They will expect my FIL's family to deal with the arrangements while doing nothing and then at the funeral want sympathy and all the show.
I hope to try to respond to what is actually happening and not the past. I am deeply tired and overwhelmed now. My mom really touched upon past hurt and it was a clear reminder of what contributed to trauma and CPTSD. I have also come a long way that I can see all of this and seem to have effectively communicated my support needs to my husband.
Hi Rainy,
Sending you some support :hug: it sounds like you're about to walk into a den of narcissists while maybe coming to terms with the (possible) narcs in your family (?). Alter-ego wrote a really good thread about covert narcissism in her father and why their relationship just seemed "off" when he said he loved her. Gaslighting really does a number on us. It would be very telling if his father only had a "scare" while he knew his brother's condition to try and get attention.
It sounds really positive what has been happening with your husband, and that he is growing and changing as well. I hope that you two can find some communication about this too in a way that gets both your needs met.
dolly
Dolly, thank you for your words and thoughts. There are definitely positives and things I am still processing from today.
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This is the first time in a long time I've been in an EF for most of the day.
My heart has felt broken.
The interaction with my mom really shook me to my core.
I think because that kind of stuff used to happen all the time and I experience it so differently now.
I think because I feel like I should have seen it coming. She and I were playing out a dynamic this week and this is a predictable outcome.
I think I had foolishly thought this kind of stuff wouldn't happen anymore. But it still can.
My in-laws are still coming and I am exhausted. I don't live up to my parents expectations or those of my in-laws.
Generally I am ok with that but right now I am responding from a place of Little Me. It hurts so much today.
:sunny:
thinking of you....
:grouphug:
:hug:
my dear rainy, sending lots of love and a hug filled with compassion and support as you navigate all the angles of this situation :hug:
Sending you some support :grouphug: even if your parents or in laws can't see it, you're doing a great job. You've got so much care and compassion for others, I'm sorry it's lost on them.
dolly
:sunny:
sending some sun on a rainy day,
Larry, I really like that sunshine face. Thank you for the support and encouragement. :sunny:
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Not Alone, thank you :hug:
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Armee, thank you :hug:
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San, I appreciate it :hug:
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Dolly, I appreciate that you and others here see me.
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I think I am feeling a little better today. I had odd dreams last night and today is the day my in-laws arrive. I won't have to see them today but I find it challenging when they are even in the same state/proximity.
I don't want to lie to myself - when I saw it doesn't bother me that my parents and in-laws don't accept me, that isn't true. It hurts. I don't understand. At times I can balance all the feelings I have and right now the balance is gone.
My husband seems a bit lighter than I have seen him in a while. Maybe he doesn't feel like he has to hide - it still bothers me how much he does for his family and how he doesn't seem to see how hurtful they are. Right now all I can do is try to care for myself.
My instincts to run away are so high right now. I'm not entirely sure what I would be running from or to where, but I want to avoid like nothing else. Usually work gives me a good excuse to avoid my in-laws and I don't have that right now. I am busy and always have things to do that are important to me, but I know expectations are there that I put it all aside for in-laws.
I do wonder if there is more narcissism in my FOO than I have been willing to face before. It is definitely present in my in-laws and I see it in my grandparents...which means my parents learned it too. Maybe that is why my in-laws are so difficult - if touches upon old wounds because it is so blatant and I don't have the same relationship that I do with my FOO.
*sigh*
rainy, under the circumstances, i'm not surprised you feel out of balance. and i totally get that feeling of wanting to run. who wouldn't want to when faced with a den of lions? i can only imagine how great that hurt might be. sending love and a hug filled with support and encouragement to walk your own path. your path is valid, too. :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
I would also like to send a hug of support to you at this time, :hug: I'd like to say more, but I'm finding it difficult to find my words. So I'll just leave the hug there, and I really hope that you are able to enjoy your evening. I know this time is challenging for you, and I understand why.
Hope :)
Not sure if this is of any help, but a part of me wants to suggest putting an invisible protective bubble as kind of a shield around you while your in-laws are visit. This shield will keep you safe from them. Not sure if that would work for you, but thought I'd throw it out there in case it's helpful.
San, thank you for the support of me on my path.
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Hope, thank you for the hug and the words you offered today.
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Owl, I appreciate the idea. I was thinking of trying a similar thing. I notice that once I see them and they are here, I am able to gray rock. I hope one day to find a way to care for myself into the lead up of seeing them.
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Today I read a letter written by the leader of the yoga training I am doing. She wrote a letter to her child as a way of comfort because her child recently broke their arm. Seeing that letter hurt me as I saw that I did not receive that kind of support and comfort from either of my parents.
The interaction my mom and I had over the weekend was not a new or surprising interaction. What has changed is my experience of it. It really opened up something in me.
I really felt how deeply hurt I am by my parents constant invalidation of me especially in times of need. To date I have focused a lot more on the hurt caused by father because his expression of abuse was much more overt than my mom's. She certainly had moments that were more overt but generally hurtful things were said in conversation. Things about my appearance, my body, my behavior.
I think those comments sank very deep in and I didn't realize it. Today a lot of that pain came up.
Of course the impending arrival of my in-laws doesn't help. I am trying to tell my husband what I need and yet it is hard because all I hear is my inner critic (which right now sounds a lot like my mom) telling me I need to be "nice and pleasant and play the game and not let them know much they bother me."
I think my husband and I will figure it out the next few days. I just can't explain to him how hurt and afraid I feel inside of EFs. Today I felt like I was dying because it hurts so much. I will say that when I tried to reach out to him, he tried to respond which did help.
i wish i could do or say something helpful, just know i am thinking of you
Larry, I appreciate it. I find myself thinking of folks in our community when I am reading or learning. I wish I could help everyone feel better here too.
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My husband is on his way to pick up his parents at the airport. I catastrophize night driving and am terrified for him. I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep until he gets home.
I feel a little more settled than I have all day. My most consistent friend reached out to me to see how I am doing which I appreciated.
Something I don't think I mentioned earlier - today I received the last license I would need to get a job in my new state. At first I was excited and then triggered. Work is a whole other area where I don't know how to face.
I tried writing my story of work. It ended up being a list of things most of which can be summed up as "I'm not cut out for work." I do struggle with relationships and yet I have also only ever worked in extremely toxic environments.
My critic is extremely active right now. There is a lot going on right now. I feel certain I will find my way through but the past few days have been a lot.
Hi Rainy,
I'm sorry that it's so tough right now. We're here for you. From the outside, it seems positive that you had the reaction on the phone with your mom, that some part recognized that this wasn't right. You should be able to go to your parents when you have issues to discuss them and not be criticized.
I've been in that place and I recognize how you feel looking at other peoples' parents (and when they complain about their parents :blink:). I wonder if you have access to a T that knows about NPD and trauma that might help you go through this too? I think my T has had a big part in starting to feel separate from my family, and that it's not "me."
Check in if it gets too much :hug:
dolly
with you as you go thru this, rainy. sending love and a hug filled with support and care :hug:
Dolly, I appreciate your support. Therapy honestly hasn't been a great fit for me in the past. I have found much more healing in having positive connection with others, like my friend that reached out and now more consistently my husband. I will remain open to the possibility that more perspectives would be helpful in time.
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San, thank you :hug:
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And just like that, I feel much better today. :whistling:
It's hard to not just respond to the way things used to go. This morning my husband shared reflections that made me see he is seeing more how his parents act (for instance, them not renting a car, his mom "forgetting" a winter jacket which she definitely needs where we are and how they won't be ready to leave for breakfast when he arrives). I just tried to listen to him and didn't try to add my opinion (not sure if that happened).
It's also helpful that he didn't insist on me going this morning. I told him I would have lunch or dinner with them which he accepted. It did occur to me that there will be times he will probably be looking for a way out of time with them.
I think I grieved some for my myself and my family yesterday. It will continue being a process. This time of year is often too much. It makes me feel a lot better that my husband seems to be more and more part of my team than before. I hope I can return that to him too.
Inlove reading about the promise and growth in your marriage Rainy. :hug:
Sending you lots of love and support as you get through this time with your in laws. It sounds like you know you get to set your own boundaries for yourself and I'll just say I'm standing right behind you on that.
Armee, thank you :hug: - I appreciate your support.
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It is hard to relax. I haven't yet spoken to my in-laws although my husband brought them to our house.
I'm just not sure what he is actually ok with and what he isn't. I haven't said yes to anything but dinner. I don't want to drink with them and I don't want to be near them for long.
I'm probably a bit triggered as I am aimlessly cleaning and packing up around my house just for something to do.
Well it came to the point where I judged it better to just jump and put in some face time with the in-laws. I would rather write about my evening than hold it in and unintentionally punish my husband for how his parents act.
As I expected, they act exactly the same regardless of what is going on in their lives. I see tonight that I attribute more pain and suffering to them than they seem capable of expressing. They might be feeling things but instead my FIL is obsessing over a concert they are going to tomorrow (which I guarantee no one else wants to go to but him) and my MIL (who claims to be so allergic to cats) feels compelled to try to greet my cat and be surprised that the cat approached her (huge eye roll). I really couldn't handle when they said it is my husband's turn to pay tomorrow. That is the main thing getting under my skin right now.
As far as time spent with them, this was relatively painless for me. As long as we stay in public and I engage as little as possible, it goes ok.
The way they speak to each other and to my husband gets under my skin. They are mean to one another and call it "joking." They really have expected my husband to be their taxi. We are down to one car in our household which generally isn't a problem...but of course I have some appointments tomorrow that I will now need to figure out my way to instead of them figuring something out.
I'm sure they will expect me to show up more the next two days, but I don't know how much more I could take. I was fascinated by how low I get at just the thought of them coming here and then once they are here and we are in the same space, I find I can survive. I think it just takes so much energy and it is that cost that I dread. I also know that no matter what, they will be as ridiculous and mean as always and then try to make me feel bad for not wanting to be around it.
Hi rainy,
I relate to that. I've been lucky with my current T as she's been open to everything I've brought in to the sessions even if they're pretty out there to "normal" therapy - physical connections to what's coming up, IFS (including legacy and unattached burdens). I've had a few therapists in the past that while even well meaning, I don't think would have taken this on board, and there was a sense of alienation for me.
Really happy for you and your husband coming to understand one another over the ILs. It sounds like you are setting boundaries and able to see the situation for what it is.
dolly
hey, rainy, it sounds like you are doing some good self care by staying away as much as possible. if they try to guilt you for that, then i say pooh on them. i find it interesting how many people have the dynamic you mentioned - being mean to each other under the guise of 'joking'. ugh! i'm glad you're doing what you can to not be involved with that. i also give you credit for letting your hub deal with them - i can understand it must be frustrating to see him engage in their dynamic, tho.
hang tough, ok? the week is almost over and soon they'll be gone. i just hope for you there is little to no aftermath. but, may i just say, i find it quite rude that they're hogging the car when you have appointments to get to. sounds like there's very little consideration for anyone else. love and hugs, rainy.
Dolly, thank you for your understanding. My massage therapist shared a book with me about IFS that I hope to get into when I have some more spare energy.
.....
San, I appreciate the support. I can see why it is tough for my husband to pick up on why I find his family so difficult. Their abuse is rather subtle and built into the fabric of their interactions. I'm pretty annoyed today, so I appreciate your offerings today.
........
Today is getting off to a rocky start. I woke up and my mind immediately went to moments of when I felt so powerless in my most recent job. I tried yelling or acting large in my mind, but I'm not sure it helped.
Perhaps it is because one day of watching my husband chauffeur his parents around is enough. And today I am feeling irritated that I have to find alternative transportation because they don't care that their "vacation" is impacting me.
The voice of my father is looming as I write those words. In his voice, I heard myself saying I need to stop acting entitled and figure it out. It isn't so much that I don't have a car - my issue is that my in-laws deliberately didn't secure a reliable form of transportation for our area and that is annoying to me. My dad doesn't see the passive aggressive way my in-laws speak to my husband until he does what they want. I wish he would just tell them no.
Another struggle this morning is how poorly my in-laws care for themselves. They ran themselves ragged yesterday and will do it again today. My husband is exhausted and instead of saying no, he is participating in their poor care. I don't abide by the notion that "we'll sleep when we are dead." Part of living to the fullest is caring for ourselves and resting.
I'm also struggling because my husband had initially made a plan with me for today about us working out together and helping me with transportation, but he has now "forgotten." I am triggered by how quickly he falls back into dynamic with his family. When we all lived in the same town, he was their son first and my husband last. That is happening right now too to a lesser degree and it is making me sad and mad and frustrated and sick.
Tomorrow evening they will leave. I will be interested to see if my husband ends up driving them to the airport. He claims he will encourage them to take the train but given how he is acting right now I don't think that will happen.
it's a lot to deal with, rainy. i don't blame you for your irritation at all, not at your in-laws, nor toward your hub for putting you second. am with you all the way with this - thank goodness it'll be over soon and you won't have to deal with their subtle, passive-aggressive words and behaviors. good luck with the aftermath and how it affects your hub. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your support. I am exhausted by this.
..........
I'm not coping so well right now. My husband returned home after being gone for around 6-7 hours.
Just enough time for him to come home and point out all the flaws in our current lifestyle. Which I know comes from the constant stream of harm his parents spew.
I am trying to be understanding, but I am exhausted. I am feeling so upset at how quickly he falls back into dynamics. I am noticing it is very different when it is just him and his parents versus when his siblings are also present.
We do have things we probably should address as a couple. But, our way doesn't have to be the way of his parents. They aren't perfect either. And this is the stuff I feel so powerless against. What exactly happened today? Nothing he would be able to pinpoint. Just his parents constantly running their mouths.
This morning I got to a place where I remembered something I heard or read recently (but can't remember where). The idea was that expectations aren't agreements.
I do think I can be more clear and aim to get agreements instead of relying on expectations with my husband. And now I am giving myself a hard time worrying about things my mom threw at me the other day.
It's a lot to sort through.
so sorry you are dealing with so much right now. I hope you can do something nice for yourself,
Larry, thank you. I did have a massage today and it was helpful to see my massage therapist. I also had the evening to myself and tried to enjoy what I could.
..........
This afternoon/evening was really up and down.
I think I overreacted to my husband when he got home. I think he was trying to share things he hopes to adjust. I think being around his family is also weighing on him.
He also shared that he found out the date of his uncle's funeral. It conflicts with a trip we planned to visit the state we are moving to. While the dates of the trip we planned are arbitrary and it isn't anyone's fault that his uncle died when he did, I am still so annoyed. I am tired of making adjustments to accommodate his family. I realize it isn't rational to feel that way in this situation, but I do.
I will say my husband and I did face a conversation and made adjustments to our plan together. I was able to share some things on my mind as was he. He also was accepting that I do not want to go to the funeral or to his hometown. He is going to go out next week and take some bereavement days. So I will have some days all to myself next week which I actually think will be good.
This time and situation are leaving me in an EF. This time 2 years ago I felt abandoned by my husband and right now is reminding me of that time. I really don't like November/December. It is too overwhelming and each year the expectations feel higher and higher.
I don't understand all this stuff my husband feels like he needs to do, yet I feel like we are working together and hearing each other. I am trying to put my experience more into words and he is listening.
This time will pass. I hope to plan some ways to recharge next week when I am alone.
:hug: This is a really hard time of year for you and the timing of this added stress, one that is too similar to past stresses is painful. I'm proud of you for being to talk to your husband and adjust plans, together. I do hope your time alone next week is helpful for recharging.
:hug:
Armee & Snowdrop, I appreciate the support. :hug:
.......
It's funny, I was about to write that I am doing better. I decided to order dinner early because I haven't eaten much today and I am hungry.
As I get ready to leave, I see a message that he and my in-laws are coming to our house. Of course they are.
I am not ok with seeing them again. And I am annoyed that he doesn't see that this is a mean game they are playing. They trying to force their company on me one last time.
At first I was going to deliberately not be here and then I decided to stay put. This is my home and I will do my best to make them feel as awkward as possible by being here.
I have a lot of retorts I want to throw at my husband as they have him working down to the last minute. I'm also still really annoyed by the "boy who cries wolf" dynamic that my in-laws evoke.
My husband is doing the best he can, but these folks need to go.
Rainydiary, I'm glad they are leaving soon. You've done a good job of being aware of your feelings. I'm glad you are expressing your feelings here. You have a lot going on with your in-laws and a lot of complex issues there.
:grouphug:
Not Alone, I appreciate your support and encouragement.
..........
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:excited: :excited: :excited:
:yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:
:sunny: :sunny: :sunny:
My in-laws are finally gone. Not before they walked in my house while I was on the toilet with the door open (I wasn't expecting anyone to walk in). I have survived another unwelcome visit from them.
Today I was trying to make a list of things I wanted to do while my husband is away next week. I had a hard time making a list. I realized that I am doing more of what I want already and not just saving it up for when I am on my own. That is cool.
I am exhausted and even though I will feel a little better now that my in-laws are gone, I am still not thrilled at the trip at my husband will take next week. I don't think he needs to be there for 6 days. Those days are driven by his guilt.
I hope to reflect on all the judgment and defensiveness that comes up when I am with my in-laws. Their behavior makes me question myself and my husband and everything. It is awful.
:woohoo: :bighug: No avatar for this: deep sigh of relief.
Not Alone, thank you. :)
..........
I am so irritated this morning. My husband is trying to "make up" for things and I am not receiving it gracefully.
Every time he speaks all I hear is his parents. I think that is my perception and not necessarily anything he is doing or saying in particular.
Underneath all of this is dissatisfaction with myself. And distrust. I am worn out.
i hope you can get some rest today
:bighug:
No wonder you are worn out, rainydiary. :bighug: :grouphug: I am so happy for you that your ILs have finally gone but it's understandable that your feelings about the visit don't just disappear into thin air. I am glad you are able to express them here. You have been dealing with so much these past few months.
Larry, thank you, I appreciate this.
.....
Armee, thank you. :hug:
.....
Blueberry, thank you for your words. :hug:
.....
This day is proving more challenging than I expected.
This is the day 2 years ago my husband and I received word about his brother.
I was at work and my husband called me. I remember going numb with shock.
I told him I would come home and remember the looks of "what the?" from my colleagues as I told folks I needed to go.
I got home and my husband was deeply upset. We made arrangements to fly to his hometown.
The trip was so long and painful. And the days that followed. I stayed longer than I wanted to at the request of my husband. When I left, he stayed behind and I had a terrible feeling leaving him there.
The terrible feeling was that my entire life, our life, was demolished. I felt so far away from him and from myself.
In the weeks that followed I faced the truth that I was abused. I felt my husband pull further and further away. He was not forthcoming with me during the 6 weeks that followed his brother's death.
He left me at our shared home to stay with his family. He did things for me out of guilt yet remained with his family.
When we reunited he told he couldn't be that far from his family and I thought our marriage would end because there was no way I could live in his hometown again.
We started trying to cobble back together and then the pandemic hit.
For me, the pandemic gave me space to explore and heal and I did my best to focus on myself.
I have come a long way. And yet the pain of that day lingers. I am so afraid of losing everything. I am saddened at how little I trust myself. Today I am just sad.
You have come a long way, a really long way! Reading your post, I must correct my own. You have been going through so much for at least 2 years, not just the past few months.
Sending comfort for the pain you are experiencing now. :hug:
Blueberry, thank you :hug:
..........
Planning to go to bed early as I have a huge headache.
In addition to emotions, today I really got stuck on three things.
One was getting a form notarized. I did a virtual notary appointment (which I hope the place I am getting this document notarized for will accept). Just the prospect of the appointment and being able to follow all the directions for me worked up.
Another was my plan to pick up a pizza for dinner. I was ordering from a new place. Anything outside my routine is tough. I worried about this plan all day.
The last is a job interview process I initiated yesterday. The position would be a short term contract where I would be hired by a staffing agency. I was thrown off today because one person initially contacted me and then she passed me onto someone else. That other person sent me a long email with lots of steps. I got so overwhelmed and could not respond back. I don't like feeling rushed or pushed. I am also terrified of going back to work.
I hope sleep is refreshing and that tomorrow is less intense.
Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that sleep was refreshing for you. Sending you a supportive hug and hoping that today is ok :hug:
Hope :)
Hi rainy,
I can understand why it must be so difficult to have your inlaws over if maybe they are a reminder of the time when you had your realization.
Sending you some warm, peaceful support for today.
dolly
oh, rainy, such anniversaries can be heartbreaking and devastating. the triggers they hold . . .
this visit by your in-laws sounds so upsetting. i wish i could say or do more to comfort you. sending a warm blanket to curl up with, a hot beverage to help warm your insides, and a bouquet of daisies to just help with the healing. it sounds like you could use some time to get over this visit and the aftermath with your hub. sending love and a hug filled with care and peace. :hug:
hi rainy, i am here to support you, i just don't know how to say it, i hope you can do something nice for yourself today.
You have so much going on right now, with the anniversary of BIL's death and everything associated with that, in-laws' visit, job interview, etc. Sending care to you.
Sending you care, too, Rainy. This is a very hard anniversary and compounded by a visit that is never welcome but especially not at this time. I'm glad they are gone and I hope you and spouse can reset quickly.
You've been through such a lot, Rainy. I'm glad you can see you've come a long way. I hope you feel better after your sleep. :hug:
You all, wow. I was overwhelmed with feelings of care and safety as I opened up the site today. Thank you for the care and comfort you have offered.
..........
Well, my in-laws parted a special gift - illness. I have come down with a cold. Nothing other than being around them has been different for me. I will recover but I am feeling especially frustrated.
I unfortunately haven't slept particularly well the past few nights. My husband and I did take a day trip to our favorite town and enjoyed a low key day. Today I have tried to rest. It is hard to feel comfortable with my feeling so full.
I would say that because I don't feel well, it takes me out of my head a bit which is probably ok.
I hope to feel better tomorrow and see what this week brings. My husband is heading to visit his family leading up to his uncle's funeral. I hope that he comes back with care for me and not poison. I hope that I will restore and care and enjoy while he is away.
:) hugs and sunshine for you :sunny:
Larry, :sunny:
.........
I think I am slowly on the mend but still sick. I am grateful for not having many demands right now. Mondays are my yoga training and I decided I will skip it today in favor of resting. That decision is triggering me some but I think rest will be key (and I know my yoga training would support me in that).
Today I re-read the chapter on Emotional Flasbacks in Pete Walker's book. In reading, I realized that I have been in a rather extended flashback. My inner and outer critics have been in control. And I am realizing I am at a point where I see that currently my triggers are more internal.
Once I left that job and all the external things that have been a problem are less and less, I see that it is time to face what is inside in a different way. I'm not exactly sure where this will take me, but it is interesting.
My flashback is really showing itself when I attempt to engage in finding another job. I am hoping to find a remote position for the time being. I don't necessarily want to do that as I find my work hard to do in that manner...but not being tied to a location will be helpful as we prepare to move.
The company I briefly was in contact with last week has made me feel uncomfortable. They are pushy and I don't think I will be able to find a remote position with them. I contacted another company today and they seem a little more my speed. I still have a lot of worries however I hope to tackle them bit by bit.
hope you get some rest today , it's nice that you recognise what you need and take care of yourself.
hey rainy,
i'm glad for you to be able to choose rest for yourself.
i've found, also, when i'm low on outside triggers, the inner triggers are able to show their faces more frequently and intensely.
best to you with the job search. very cool you were able to recognize something that is not a good fit and can move on to something else. well done! love and hugs :hug:
Larry, thank you. I appreciate the support.
.....
San, thank you. I think I am somewhat surprised to be reminded that internal things can be a trigger. I've been so focused on what is outside of me. The time has come to consider the inside too.
.........
I am realizing today is going to be a real test.
My husband is leaving for his hometown tomorrow. I am really upset that he is going. The upset has a lot of sources.
I am trying to be curious what this is calling up from my past. I am not sure. The only things coming up are past events that he and I share that I still am coming to terms with.
It's hard for me to not judge him. I do not understand why he continues to play out these routines and dynamics with his family. It makes me so upset with him.
And then with myself. At these times I ask myself why of all the people in the world I was drawn to this person whose family is so difficult for me to be a part of. It then turns into how I am so messed up that I had to be in a messed up situation.
I am noticing that the way I feel means I am most likely in an emotional flashback. I'm not sure what I am needing to grieve or if I even can today. I still don't feel my best although I think my cold is healing. I
Plus it is just simply too much this time of year in general.
by your side, rainy, as you navigate some of these turbulent waters. it's not easy, for sure. sounds like there is so much to get thru. sending love and a hug filled with support :hug:
San, thank you for being here with me.
..........
I am feeling a lot of frustration simmering inside. I haven't been outright rude to my husband but I definitely want to say a lot of things I know I will regret and won't make me feel better.
As I sat reflecting, I noticed that flashes of horrible times in my upbringing and my adulthood were coming up that involved my parents. I realized that these moments all seem to have a common thread of fear. My parents were afraid of something and their response was to act the ways they did that made me feel unsafe, unwelcome, broken.
And now I am reacting to the fear I feel with my husband in the same way. I acknowledge that I am responding to things he is doing/saying with old feelings instead of present ones. And I also don't want to react to him in this way.
I'm not sure how I will navigate the rest of this day or tomorrow when he leaves. I am trying to remind myself that it is better that I am not going...and yet trust is such an issue here. Trust in myself and in him.
ugly stuff, rainy. i hear you about wanting to say things that may not be in anyone's best interest. perhaps you could write them down, get them out of you, see what they look like in black and white? writing has often helped clear nasty thoughts away for me, or i can at least have some peace by getting them out of my head. if that's not helpful, please ignore. it can be difficult to get ourselves out of the past and into the present in the manner you indicated, cuz that dang past keeps pulling us back to it. still here with you. hang tough, ok? love and hugs :hug:
rainydiary, I appreciate the amount you are able to reflect on what's going on for you atm with your h and also with your feelings.
Yesterday I was reading some of my old Recovery Letters and then I started reading yours. They didn't have many responses, I guess I didn't feel up to responding to them when you wrote them. I was particularly moved by your letter to your 1st Grade self. Possibly Letters of Recovery would be a place to express those things you don't think would be helpful to express directly to your h?
However you decide atm, I'm standing with you. :hug:
San, thank you. I often do write down the thoughts in my written journals. I am caught off guard by how my critic is evolving as well as how I think I am into some deeper work. I am noticing my go to distraction is often to be extra critical of my husband and his family seems to provide plenty of reason for calling my criticism this time of year. I appreciate your suggestions and support.
.....
Blueberry, thank you for this idea and the call back to those letters. I have been thinking of the picture that letter referenced. I'm not sure why but I feel called to write out a timeline of my life. Some of what I realized earlier is I am afraid I am no better than my in-laws and afraid of my husband's absence. I have done a lot of work to reduce my codependency but at times it comes up.
.........
I am feeling a bit better for now. I had a haircut and an email exchange with my student. I feel like I should find a way to refer to her here as I hope that she will stay in touch. I think I will call her Brave One as that is the impression she gave me from the day I met her.
My hairdresser is such a helpful in my life. She is a comfort and I have learned some helpful things about consent and being trauma informed from her. It was helpful to see her and to have a haircut. I feel a bit lighter.
The email exchange with Brave One was just what I needed today. It was a good back and forth and genuine. It sounds like she is a good place right now which makes me happy to hear. I worry she feels like she has to say she is good even if she isn't but I remind myself that a few weeks ago she shared about a difficult teacher situation she is facing. I feel the limitations of an email correspondence but I also want to be mindful of boundaries with an underage person.
I think sometimes I put pressure on myself in interactions with her as she is a person with a trauma history and I want to be a support for her. I don't get to choose if that is my role in her life. I just try to let her know I am here and I care about what she has to say.
I have been reminding myself that caring words I would say to Brave One are words I can also say to my Little One(s). I give Brave One and other students I know more patience and understanding than I give myself.
For now I think I am out of my EF. Another one or series of ones might start back up, so I will try to rest in this feeling for a bit.
You come across as such a caring person, Rainy. I feel your care towards Brave One.
QuoteI have been reminding myself that caring words I would say to Brave One are words I can also say to my Little One(s).
My Little Ones felt soothed when I read this. I hope yours are too. :hug:
You do have really good insights and deep care, Rainy. Sending virtual, safe hugs to Brave One and Little One. It's important that kids have safe trusted people to turn to. Thank you for being one of those people for Brave One.
Snowdrop, thank you. :hug:
My Little Ones are ok right now but maybe feeling a bit on edge this morning. I appreciate your support.
......
Armee, thank you. I wish I could hold onto the insights and things I uncover and not immediately see danger. I appreciate your support.
..........
My husband has left for his trip. The house feels quiet. I will be ok for a while but will likely feel his absence more as the evening falls. I am still upset he is doing this but it is in motion now and I'll see him on Monday.
I am a naturally curious person and have lots to pursue and do. I have my cat and my home which brings comfort. I am feeling a little better today from my cold.
I hope to cherish this time with myself and keep my tendency toward seeing danger to a minimum. But I will also try to love myself when my mind goes there.
good to hear your cold is better !
:hug:
Larry, thank you. I am feeling better and better. I am trying to decide if I should swim tomorrow or not. I think it would be best to wait another day just in case.
.....
San, thank you. :hug:
.........
Today has overall felt ok. I am feeling better and followed my own desires and interests and to dos today. Of course there is lingering, underlying stuff my critic loves to bring up.
As I get closer to bed, I find myself disgruntled with my husband. I know it is a way to cope with him not being here. As usual, there are things going on I cannot understand or support. I am trying to remind myself that it is progress that we have come to this understanding that it is best if he goes and I stay home. It scares me how lost in enmeshment he gets when he is with his family. My instinct is to keep him away from it and it's hard because that isn't what he always wants.
I'm having a difficult time being loving toward my body. After my long run I trained for and stopping my job, I haven't been as active and am gaining weight. Not only does society put a lot on people in those areas but my family wasn't great either. I am remembering that I can make adjustments and move more and also find a routine that works for me now. This will be a process as I can feel panic inside of myself as I feel the additional weight on my body.
Since my husband isn't here, I took the opportunity to go through and clear out and organize and pack up my work stuff in our shared office. I noticed a lot of emotion come up especially about my last job. I can't get over how badly they acted and how I didn't get to use my words to stand up for myself in the way I want. It's hard to accept that no matter what I could have said or did, they would have turned it around on me. I spoke to a recruiter today and hope to find a remote job. I will have a lot to work through and today was a positive step.
I have had weird dreams this week and I hope my mind settles more tonight in my sleep.
I hope you sleep well. you know i am not good at saying supportive things. just know i am thinking of you and want to support you if i can.
Sending you lots of support as you navigate this really hard time. I'm also going to stand up to your icr here who is saying you didn't speak up at work. You did. You did and you left. You really advocated both for yourself and students and colleagues in doing that
i agree with armee about saying exactly what needed to be said by putting in your resignation. as you mentioned, anything else you might have said could have and probably would have been turned around and used against you. sometimes, i've found, the best thing i can say is nothing. instead, i let my actions speak for me. those kinds of people play word games and they make the rules. we don't have a chance of winning. by leaving, you said exactly the right thing and they didn't have a chance to turn it on you. well done, rainy! :applause:
ah, yes, society and body shape. it's so so nasty. may i say, if you're in grieving mode your being less active may be a response to that. grieving is messy, and we're messy while we're going thru it. i don't know if you're grieving, but if you are, i hope you can be particularly gentle with yourself, and know that this phase will pass. you are still cared about no matter what size or shape you are. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
:)
There were times when you did stand up for yourself at work. There were also times where it was healthy self-protection to not pursue an issue. Sadly, many of your co-workers were unable or unwilling to listen to what you said and/or own their stuff. It was a bad situation. You navigated it the best that you could.
HI rainy,
I hope you're finding some rest dealing with everything right now. It sounds like you've made some good insights about your inner critic and how it pops up in your relationship with your husband.
You definitely deserve to give yourself patience and understanding too.
dolly
Thank you all for reading and offering support and validation. I think my cold is gone. I have definitely been in grief. I often wonder if I will ever not be in grief. My sleep is relatively ok though my dreams keep it from feeling refreshing. :grouphug:
..........
I suppose I have been enjoying time to myself the past few days.
It's been nice to follow my natural inclinations and routines.
Today I spent some time thinking and planning for the business I hope to create.
I am also looking forward to traveling next week.
I feel emotion underneath the surface that I'm not quite sure what it is. I think looking toward the future is scaring me so my critic is trying to maintain control.
glad to hear your cold is gone ! i hope you get some sleep tonight
Hi rainy,
Glad you're feeling better and more relaxed after your time with the ils. You made it through :cheer:
dolly
Larry, thank you for the well wishes. :sunny:
.....
Dolly, I appreciate the support. :cheer:
.........
Earlier today I was reflecting on my timeline. I noticed that as I was writing out my years, I first thought of big events mostly moves my family made. Other big events (some good, some not so good) also came to mind.
It also made me sad. There are years where I don't have a clear picture of what was going on. I don't even really know where I lived when I was little. Even in my memory I have trouble remembering exactly where I was when.
This helped me see that in addition to not having caregivers, I also stood on shaky ground because I had no idea where I was. We moved so much and I never had the opportunity to figure anything out. I had a role I was playing which was mostly about survival.
I was also reflecting on how important grieving is. I'm not sure what I have reflected, but that was also on my mind.
:hug:
I'm here and reading. I want to say on the abandonment thread what you wrote about struck me as exceptionally painful. Not just the moving but how your father treated you. :hug:
San, thank you. I appreciate the comfort.
.....
Armee, I appreciate you noticing that. I honestly cannot comprehend what made him do things like that. It gives me so much awareness of why asking for help or sharing about myself is so scary. I'm trying to comfort my younger selves and my current self as I know that if conditions are just right, my parents will continue their abuse. That is a hurtful realization. I haven't told them I quit my job as I know they will flip out and I don't need it.
.........
I am reflecting that this week I will be going to visit my intended new state. I am amazed at how many weeks have gone by since I quit my job - we've been waiting for this trip to take more steps toward moving.
I am excited to go but I am also afraid.
One reason I am afraid is that I hate leaving my cat. I am always afraid something will happen to her while I am away. The truth is something could happen to her while I am here. She has a good pet sitter and I know she will just sleep most of the time. I also don't want to talk to my husband too much about it as he thinks I care I more about her than him (that is definitely a thought he had from an EF).
Another reason I'm afraid is that traveling tends to be times of tension between my husband and I. I think our differences in how we want to spend time tend to be harder to navigate when we are away from home. I think we both resort to being too much like our FOOs and not being ourselves.
This week I hope to be present and responsive to what is happening in the present even if it is fear. I hope to be kind to myself when I start to feel homesick. I hope to take care of myself when I feel low. I hope to see and touch the ocean. I hope to let myself feel good.
I'm not sure how often I'll check in this week. I appreciate all of you and am grateful for your support.
:hug:
Dolly, :hug:
..........
In the midst of an EF this morning. I felt ok when I got up and while I was riding my bike, I felt it.
I'm stressing over "what caused it." There isn't a clear cause.
I'm stressing over "what am I flashing back to." I don't know.
I did cry a little when I felt to the depth of being abandoned and afraid.
I'm wishing you lots of grace this week Rainy. 💛
Thank you Armee. ❤️
..........
I think I am out of whatever EF was going on this morning. A lot of feelings and images and thoughts are coming up.
Right before my husband came home, I sat on my recliner with my cat. I think it was the first time I just sat since my husband was gone. I realized how I kept myself going and going and going. I felt exhausted.
Today I've been remembering how sick my cat was this summer and how she is doing so well now. Her illness added a layer of complexity, but I'm glad she is ok now.
When my husband first got home, he asked me a question that I think was meant to be a check in. It really threw me off because he doesn't usually ask me things like that. I also don't do great at checking in with him. It doesn't seem like he wants to talk about his trip and I'm not sure how to create an opening in case there is anything he would want to process.
I felt awkward for a while when he was first home. We are heading to the airport very early tomorrow and have a lot planned for our trip.
I hope I can sleep tonight. I have trouble sleeping away from home. In general I'm worried I won't be to take care of myself. I think it will be important to stop and check in with myself and to let my husband know what I need if I need support.
i hope you have a safe trip. please don't forget to take care of yourself
Hi rainy,
Distraction is a powerful thing and it's incredible how it sneaks up on us.
Hope you're finding some rest.
dolly
Larry, thank you, so far so good. I think I will need this reminder several times a day. :sunny:
.....
Dolly, yes, I'm often surprised at how sneaky distraction becomes. I am trying be understanding of myself as this is all a process and I won't always get it right.
.........
Well, we made it to our destination.
I did not sleep well last night. My sleep was restless for a while and then I woke up. I went into an EF and felt pressure to get back to sleep as we needed to get up early for our flight. I finally got back to sleep.
Our trip has been ok so far. I think I am overreacting to my husband. He starts in on scripts that I feel like come from his family. I said something to him about a worry I had (that we would not be able to find a place that both of us like to live) and his response made me realize I am responding to the past. He said he would adjust. I think he is probably afraid too and it comes out differently than my fear. He has also spent a lot of time with his family and they have probably planted poison seeds.
We have had a good time so far and have had some good experiences. Hopefully after some sleep and a new day, we'll keep figuring out what works for us.
Rainy Diary, I hope you sleep soundly tonight and that you and your H find a place that will be a good fit for both of you.
Hi rainy,
Yep I'm no stranger to distraction. All of a sudden it's like a fog sets in or a veil is lifted when the EF subsides.
Glad the trip is going well.
dolly
i think the idea that you see the two of you figuring out this stuff together is a really good sign, rainy. it can be disrupting when our old messages, old experiences come up to bite the plans we're looking forward to in the butt. hopefully, those will eventually ease themselves out of your relationship. i hope no poison seeds were planted. love and a hug filled with poison seed eradicator. :hug:
Not Alone, thank you for these wishes. ❤️
.....
Dolly, yes, sometimes I feel like my brain is trying to keep twenty steps ahead and trying to keep me safe but really I just feel disoriented.
.....
San, thank you. I think we are both navigating unfamiliar space. I think he has more anxiety and worry than he may realize or acknowledge and it triggers me. It's also hard when stuff that has nothing to do with him is coming up. Hanging in there I think.
.........
We woke up very early today due to the different time zone. It's hard to slow down and wait right now.
I slept better last night even though I woke up very early. I miss my cat a lot. Her pet sitter texted me not long ago. My cat is ok - I just feel bad leaving her.
My husband is annoying me by talking about his niece so much. I cannot handle still that my SIL has this child that I have a front row seat in watching being messed up.
I am trying to see that perhaps my husband is wanting to include me in his thoughts and that when he is nervous he talks about his niece (I realize she is technically my niece too but I can't handle that relationship).
It is just weird and creepy to me the way his family acts and treats this child. My discomfort primarily comes from concern for this child and feeling powerless to do anything other than emotionally distance myself because the situation is so gross.
We are heading to another area later today. We will have a lot to think about and decide but I get the sense he is ok with moving here. It's hard to make decisions as a couple as I would decide so differently if I was on my own.
rainy, i feel for you. having to watch unhealthy dynamics that include a child is so difficult. and the powerlessness so frustrating. i think, for your own sake, that distancing yourself from the situation is the best you can do. it's just not a fun place to be, for sure.
i hope eventually you and your H will be able to talk about all this, that you both will be able to open up to each other. that would be a good thing, wouldn't it? love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
You are doing a lot at the moment, exploring new areas, I wanted to wish you the best with doing all of that. I felt intrigued when you said that you would possibly make different choices if you were by yourself, and wondered if you've ever discussed those choices/preferences at all with your husband, as sometimes I think that people can assume the other person might not like a choice, but infact they might consider it - or just have thought the other person might not like it.
I probably should consider what I've just written more, as it just 'came out' - but I'll leave it there. I hope you'll disregard it if it's not helpful.
Hope :)
San, I appreciate your words. I think I get worked up about the child and the situation most often when I don't want to face my own worries. I think we are talking things out, but today is feeling a little harder.
.....
Hope, I appreciate what you shared - thank you for the thoughts. I think it might be good to tell my husband what I would prefer instead of just trying to guess and make a compromise right away. It's hard for me to do that and to not get stuck in assuming I know what he means or wants. Part of me has been trying to stay open minded.
.........
Things were going relatively ok and then I snapped. I'm not exactly sure what happened - my husband said something that I interpreted as carrying out his family dynamics.
As I start to calm down and process the limited conversation we were having, I think I misunderstood him. We have walked and walked and walked the past several days and I am tired of the purposeless aiming walking. My opinion is that his family walks like this to avoid dealing with anything. I think people need to know their limits and not keep pushing just for stupid reasons.
I am acknowledging that I have not communicated that I need more rest. We won't be here much longer and we are just trying to experience what we can. But I hear criticism that is probably coming from the past - my parents used to give me a hard time about the amount of time I prefer to be indoors and pursuing solitary activities.
I will say there is one area we have visited that I think we both liked. It is still different than I would like - I want to live in the big city. I am trying to keep an open mind and consider the options we are exploring. My city living is something I thought I wanted when I visited this area as a 14 year old. I got distracted and discouraged from it by my parents.
Being away from home is difficult for me. We have the rest of today and Friday and then go home on Saturday.
I am feeling a bit better - I think my EF is over.
Something else I noticed today that might have also contributed to me feeling upset earlier: today I did a 5K run with with husband.
After we finished, we were waiting in line for a post race snack. There was a family in front of us with some primary school aged children. The kids had finished the 5K and got medals. The younger child was so proud and kept looking at their medal. Their parent kept hugging them and their sibling and telling them they were so proud.
It was such a sweet moment but also made me sad. I was glad those young children had such a supportive parent. A part of me ached as that was not an interaction I had growing up.
Hi rainy,
I'm sorry that you have all this stuff coming up right now and with the inlaws visit just passed. I'm wondering too if you might let him know what's been coming up for you with regards to your own family stuff and how difficult it has been for you? I'm not sure if it's something you've already mentioned or not or if he's been supportive in the past or not.
Sending you good thoughts for the rest of the trip.
dolly
Dolly, I appreciate the support and suggestions. I think I am starting to verbalize more to my husband what I am flashing back to. I'm not sure if it makes sense to him but I would say he tries to be understanding. I will keep trying to share as it is still my habit to keep it in.
.........
Tomorrow we will fly home. Today has been a good day. I think we have found an area we both are ok with. It isn't necessarily my vision but I feel good about it.
I am reflecting on how truly difficult this time might be for my husband. His family is so enmeshed and his decision to move farther away probably widens the vacuum they feel with his distance. I am under the impression he is enjoying this area we are in and making this transition with full agreement.
This will also be difficult for me. Finding a job might be trickier than I hoped. I also need different socialization than my husband does. A lot of challenges in our current home are that I think that because he learned from an enmeshed family and we became rather codependent, we are rather isolated. I think we have grown a lot but moving will emphasize where the gaps are.
I am excited to see my cat tomorrow and for us to begin defining our move more.
hey, rainy,
so many different areas to focus on. i'm glad you're EF has abated, also glad you're feeling good about the new area where you're moving to. finding a job can be tricky more times than not. good luck with that one. and discovering socialization that fits both your needs - i wish you well. to me, these are daunting tasks to look forward to. just moving is difficult - pile these other things on top and you've definitely got a challenge!
sending love and a hug filled with all the best of everything you need :hug:
San, thank you. I appreciate the reminder that this is all a lot. It is and I know that I will be able to handle what comes.
........
Our trip is over and we are home.
I am finding myself out of patience today.
I feel overwhelmed by all I have to do.
I just want to lay down and not do anything again.
I honestly don't miss having a job.
I still hope to create my own business at some point.
Generally I am filled with fear.
I hope to feel more settled soon.
Fear. :hug: it's a hard one to have around, and mighty powerful. Give yourself time to rest. It'll make all you have to do easier.
Welcome back home.
Hi rainy,
I'm sorry that things are difficult right now. I hope you find some space to process what is happening :hug:
dolly
Armee, I agree, fear can be so strong. I am realizing how ever present it has been. I'm trying to get to know my fear, but it is difficult.
.....
Dolly, Thank you for the support. I am realizing that writing is a huge thing for me and am realizing I should carry my journal for writing with me even when I travel.
.........
I am feeling surprised how this year is almost over. So much has happened this year and it is a lot to integrate.
I am feeling more grounded being back at home. My husband and I talked about how we aren't in a huge rush to move. I feel like I have two feet in two places and want to get it over with, but there truthfully is no rush.
Something that I haven't talked to anyone about other than my husband: we went to a mall this past Friday (which is a big shopping day in the US) and ate at the food court. Later in the day I saw news that there was a shooting and lockdown at the mall. I am still feeling weird about it. It felt safe while we were there. I didn't read more about the event, but feel like I wouldn't go to that mall again. That might be an overreaction but it feels like the only thing I can do to feel control over how fragile life is.
I think I have been in grief and I am also starting to feel my anger. I feel a lot of things that are hard to put into words.
I heard from Brave One today and it makes my day. I emailed her some photos of my trip last week which I think she liked.
This feels random today but I am random today.
Something else I meant to write about but didn't: my yoga training that I've been doing since June is almost over.
Closing and wrapping things up is triggering me. My feelings of abandonment are easily triggered and they are with the end of this.
I feel unable to create community that I find in trainings for myself.
I have so many ideas for my future but the part of navigating relationships with others holds me back.
Rainy Diary, I don't have anything helpful to say. Just want you to know that I've read your journal and I care. :hug:
Thank you, Not Alone, I feel the caring. :hug:
........
Somewhat in an EF (is it an all or none thing?) because I cried during the yoga training.
I decided to share with the group how I was feeling and my worries about relationships with others.
I cried through the whole thing. Crying in front of others takes me back to my dad yelling at me for crying in public. So I feel like I just did something bad when everyone in my group shared appreciation for me speaking and showing vulnerability.
*sigh*
Wow. I am glad you are OK Rainy. It's scary to have been so close and don't blame you for not wanting to return to the mall. I would have been celebrating your vulnerability too. And I completely understand feeling like you did something wrong and bad thanks to an EF.
Congratulations on almost being done with your yoga training! Perhaps there will be a way to stay in community with this group.
The mall incident sounds scary, Rainy. I'm so glad you weren't there at the time, and I completely understand your feelings about it. I've had weird feelings too when something's happened, and I could have been there.
You did nothing wrong in the yoga training. Well done for sharing your feelings with the group. I'm glad they responded with appreciation. :hug:
Hi rainy,
I'm glad the yoga community was there to support and hear you. I think it was really brave to show vulnerability and explain to them what was going on with you. I know I would be experiencing an EF about showing emotion to other people.
I hope you're able to get some rest and find calm after the shooting.
dolly
Armee, I appreciate your words and reflections and support. :hug:
.....
Snowdrop, I appreciate the outside perspective. It helps me to have this input, so thank you. :hug:
.....
Dolly, thank you, I feel guilty for taking up space but it happened and I hope to be gentle with myself. Thank you for your support. :hug:
.........
CN: gun violence
I decided to look up more about what happened at the mall I went to to see if they had more information. Not that this is ok, but the gun shots seemed to be the result of a disagreement. It still leaves me feeling yucky.
End CN
Today has been weird. I did not sleep well last night. I had trouble falling asleep and then had difficult dreams.
I have been feeling put off by the jobs I've been trying to get. They are with contracting companies. This morning I had flashes of past experiences with jobs like this and it made my discomfort make sense.
The lady I spoke to almost 2 weeks ago called me today with some lame reason why the job I thought I was applying for wasn't available. I don't trust these folks and am done trying to pursue work in this way. The conversation with her set off an EF - why say you have a job to offer that you don't really have?
I am going to apply directly to a school district in my new state. They want two supervisor references which sent me into another tailspin. I decided to email three district level folks from my last job that I thought would be willing to speak kindly on my behalf. Two of them responded they would help which makes me feel better.
My birthday is coming up and my husband asked if I would be willing to go to a happy hour on my birthday. I don't mind as the last one I went to was fun and we don't have plans, but this also set off some emotion. Birthdays in my in-laws' world are so exhausting and about the different narcissists trying to "win" and dominate the day rather than just celebrating the person whose birthday it is. My husband occasionally does something special for me but most often doesn't try. It hurts my feelings because I try to make his birthday a good day.
After all these feelings, I decided I needed to rest. I read a book that was just mindless and fun to read. My husband suggested we get take out tonight which was actually welcome as I don't think I have the energy to make the meal I had planned to. This slower time was helpful.
Then I started reading a book about Laura Ingalls Wilder. As a child I loved the Little House on the Prairie books. I reread them recently as an adult and was struck by how sad they made me, especially the one where she gets married. In this biography, the author wrote this line, "What had been punishing to survive, was heartbreaking to relive." I am going to give this book a go as I am intrigued to learn the story behind the books she wrote (which were glamorizations of what I now know is trauma upon trauma upon trauma) but may need to stop.
Today my focus has been on actually applying to real jobs.
I submitted two applications to two districts near where we plan to live.
All the people I asked to be references said ok.
And now my critics are kicking in -
"What if they don't actually need anyone in these jobs? You are wasting peoples' time."
"You won't get a job."
"You will fail at another job."
"Are you giving up on working for yourself? You couldn't do it anyways."
Sheesh.
you are a strong and amazing person, i admire your strength! i know you will get the job you want and deserve. maybe trust yourself ?
Larry, I appreciate your words. Self trust is something I am really focusing on and still growing in. :sunny:
.........
I am feeling tired today.
I haven't heard anything from the jobs I applied to. Things seem to move slower in the new state. It is also possible they don't need anyone right now. I think I am trying to control too much. I will either hear or I won't.
I have taken a lot of continuing education that I need for maintaining my licensure. I tend to take so many courses I get lost in ideas and plans and am not sure what to think. I think it will be good to let the dust settle a bit and process the information.
Today a person I met right before the pandemic invited me to a holiday party she will have next weekend. I do and don't want to go. My reasons for not wanting to go relate more to social anxiety. I decided to risk saying I would go. I know it will cause me a lot of stress over the next week but I think I will be more glad for trying than avoiding.
I think I am processing a lot today.
I was clearing out some stuff that happened to be from last school year. Earlier this week I had a dream with one of my former students in it. I hope he is doing ok - he was my favorite and I miss working with him.
But seeing it all, I have flashes of the faces of some of my coworkers. I want to yell and scream and make them understand how much they hurt me. Right now it occurs to me: I escaped that prison and they are still in it. The ways they treated me are about them and not me. Certainly I could have done "better" but they could have too.
I feel appreciative of the people giving me references for my applications but also wonder: "Why did you all just stand by and leave me to the wolves?"
I'm trying to handle the thought of various social engagements coming up. My instinct is to never leave my house. Some of that is my nature. But a lot of it is also fear.
My birthday is coming and so is a visit to my parents for the holiday. I haven't told my parents I quit my job. I don't think they would speak supportive words and would resort back to abusive behaviors if I told them. Yet it hurts me that I haven't told them. I think I am grieving that we don't have a relationship where I can honestly say what is going on in my life. I know they would understand and I would like to think they wouldn't want me to stay in a job where I am actively being bullied...but emotionally I know they wouldn't be able to hold it together. This hurts and it hurts that I feel like I am lying to them to maintain safety.
I hope this afternoon I can take it easy.
i hope you can toake it easy as well, sending early birthday wishes your way !
Thank you, Larry I appreciate it.
........
Well, I found a way to tell my parents I don't have a job. I lied but it was a lie that feels reasonable. I told them that given all the gun violence in schools, I am needing a break. We do currently live in an area that has had a lot of school gun violence and the impact of it is a lot to deal with.
They seemed understanding about it or at least said supportive words. I hope it won't turn into a concern when we visit later this month. I do have a lot of money saved up and I am sure I will be able to figure out a job somehow.
I have had a relatively chill afternoon. Tonight my husband and I are going to a comedy show that was supposed to happen last summer. It is a comedian we have seen before and usually enjoy. Hopefully it is a fun evening.
sounds fun ! i love comedy shows, i hope you have a great time !
A comedy show sounds perfect.
You're doing a great job managing the uncertainty right now. You'll find the right thing. It sounds like training your field in trauma informed care may be in your future, one day.
I like Laura Ingalls Wilder also.
You care deeply for your students. Whatever school district hires you will be fortunate to have you.
When I read about you crying in yoga, it brought to mind something that Carolyn Spring said. "Crying is a social signal for support, not just a catharsis of emotion. . . . It's [crying] not manipulative. It's normal. It's a way of getting support." (Unshame, pp. 56-57)
Glad you found a way to tell your parents about your job. I hope that they remain supportive, or at least not negative and hurtful.
:grouphug:
Larry, I often enjoy comedy shows too. Being around crowds to attend them is tough.
.....
Armee, thank you, I appreciate your support. I try to bring trauma informed approaches and it hasn't been well received by other adults but I know the kids have benefited.
.....
Not Alone, I've been learning a lot from reading the book about Laura Ingalls Wilder. It is making me think a lot about our collective trauma as a culture and society. I appreciate you sharing about Carolyn Springs - when I have more space in my mind, I plan to look at her blog that you shared.
........
This weekend so far has been weird.
The comedy show wasn't as fun as ones in the past. The comedian spoke about difficult topics like death and illness which is triggering for my husband. I think we both got overwhelmed by the crowd and being around so many people. We left the show early - that was mostly planned as we needed to catch a train back home.
On Saturday we ran a 5K and had a good time. I completed the first day of my last weekend of yoga training. My cohort that I've been in has made plans to stay connected after the training and I hope to challenge myself to stay in touch when it feels right to do so.
After my training, my husband and I decided to get some dinner. We tried ordering through mobile apps at a fast food restaurant. They had a lot of issues at that place and claim our orders weren't received. They weren't willing to help us figure it out as they were very understaffed and busy.
My husband got so mad and started getting into argument with the employee. I told him we should just leave. I thought he was walking out with me but he stayed in the store for a while. I felt bad about this moment later as that exchange clearly triggered something in him and I worried I felt him leaving alone.
In moments like this when he is triggered, I find myself not knowing what to do always. I stay calm but worry it comes across as aloof to him. At the same time, this isn't my work to do and I can only do as much as he is willing to engage in. We sort of talked about it later when we went to a different place to eat and he shared that he sees he didn't handle the situation very well.
I was really inspired this time by the part of Pete Walker's book on CPTSD where he talked about conflict. I see how little I engage in conflict even in conflict with lower stakes like expressing my opinion. I decided to ask my husband about that moment in the first restaurant. I tried sharing how I felt and asked what he needs in the future from me. He didn't know how to answer that question but I feel good for trying to approach the topic.
Hi rainy,
You're right, he problem just needs some time to think about it and reflect on what he needs from you in a situation like that and is aware that you want to be supportive in the future. He'll probably appreciate that and it's opening up communication.
dolly
That's really kind of you to ask your husband what he needs.
I'm sorry your efforts haven't been well received yet by your colleagues. You've been in some tough work environments and I hope your next will be supportive and collaborative.
Congrats on your yoga training!!!! Do you have ideas what you want to do with it yet?
Dolly, thank you. I have a hard time not doing things for others. I'm learning the nuance of creating opportunity or space for the other person to do what they will do.
.....
Armee, I am trying to challenge myself to put more of my thoughts out there especially in my marriage. I am a very inward person and realize some things need to said out loud.
.........
Today I completed the yoga training I started in June. I learned so much and it has been supportive of my journey.
My dream is to create a business where I work exclusively with stuttering and neurodivergent communication. I would like weave yoga into that. I'm not exactly sure how to be the kind of speech language pathologist I want to be and still follow the "rules" I need to follow to keep my license and certification. What I really want to be is a person that creates space for folks to unravel all the unhelpful things they have been taught about their communication and move forward differently to communicate in ways that are empowering to them.
I am feeling up and down today but mostly up.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 05, 2021, 10:55:37 PM
My dream is to create a business where I work exclusively with stuttering and neurodivergent communication. I would like weave yoga into that. I'm not exactly sure how to be the kind of speech language pathologist I want to be and still follow the "rules" I need to follow to keep my license and certification. What I really want to be is a person that creates space for folks to unravel all the unhelpful things they have been taught about their communication and move forward differently to communicate in ways that are empowering to them.
That's beautiful. My hope for you is that there are many people along your path who support your dream emotionally and practically.
Not Alone, thank you. I am feeling less afraid of taking this step and putting myself out there but am not quite there yet.
..........
I am finding myself in a lot of emotion this morning. It feels different than trauma fueled emotion but rather emotion based on processing my gratitude and how far I've come.
I am catching up on a weekend retreat that I missed for my yoga training and started crying based on two things - one is how every session starts with a "drop in" (which is usually a meditation to start the time together rather than just jumping into lecture or discussion) and the other is how in this training time was always given to folks to share what in their heart.
I cried because I see how much society pushes us to go fast and jump right in and not stop but keep going going going. I am realizing that without a job I am not rushing as much. I am taking time to care for myself for the sake of caring for myself without worrying about what jerks might think.
I am also crying because of late I've noticed a shift with my husband. I've been feeling impatient when he does or says things that I know are direct quotes or thoughts from his parents and family of origin. I am noticing that in the past I think he has hid very well how much social anxiety and insecurity he has behind being mad at and blaming me for things that aren't my fault. And how I've played into that dynamic.
I notice myself not overreacting to him as I have done in the past. I think he is starting to face things in his own way and if he needs to say the garbage his parents taught him, then he can say it and I don't have to own it. I'm also noticing how he is sharing genuine preferences and needs. Last night he shared that our blanket is too hot on the bed. I agree and just hadn't said anything. So we changed it. He also spoke to me just now about stresses he is facing which is not something he has done in the past.
I notice I've been upset with him for some of the things he has planned for my birthday and that I am reacting from the past. When I really consider how his family acts and treats one another especially on birthdays, I see that he has poor ideas about how to celebrate someone else. I see that he is trying really hard to think of me and plan special things. I see that I haven't expressed strong preferences about what I want for my birthday mostly because I don't know. If I don't know, how is he supposed to know?
Today I just feel so changed. Not as stuck in my grief and pain. I imagine I'll circle back to those feelings as life tends to move in a spiral, but for now I hope to enjoy and appreciate the calm I am in.
Thank you to all of you for reading and sharing here as it helps me a lot too.
Your business dream sounds wonderful. I can just imagine the healing it would bring to other people, and the satisfaction you'd get from it too. But only when you're ready :yes:.
QuoteToday I just feel so changed. Not as stuck in my grief and pain.
This is so lovely to hear. You've come such a long way, Rainy.
so good to hear you are feeling well, ;)
you are amazing !
This is beautiful Rainy and i hope my time off brings such clarity and shift.
Thank you all. :hug:
As I prepare for bed, my Critic is starting to eat at me.
I get very big ideas and then start to feel pressure at how I will accomplish them.
I am also learning a great deal about privilege I hold and I want to be mindful of that. But I think that I then try to be something I am not for the sake of some role I think I should play.
The path ahead is bright but also scary. I doubt myself in many ways and right now feel frustrated at some things not working out.
I hope sleep helps.
Hi rainy,
This sounds great with respect to business and learning more about your relationship with your husband. It sounds like you really have a plan for what you want to do and have thought about how to go about getting it. Wishing you lots of strength with your inner critic. It's hard sometimes to see that they're protectors trying to help you too, formed in the difficult situations you had to go through.
:cheer: :hug:
dolly
Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that sleep was helpful to you last night. :hug:
Hope :)
Dolly, I appreciate the support. It is helpful for me to consider the critic as a protective voice.
.....
Hope, thank you for the support. :hug:
........
I am feeling unsettled so far today.
There are a lot unresolved things in my life right now. I think I will list them out.
I am waiting for an electric car that I ordered over a year ago. It is close and I am not sure if I should just wait or reach out to my contact at the dealer. As much as I want to the car to be here, I also find dealing with car dealerships very annoying.
I am waiting to hear anything other than automated messages from the jobs I applied to. My experience in my current state is they are always in need of people in my job and reach out very quickly. The new state seems to function differently and rather slowly. This process also makes me wonder why I keep trying to play by others' rules and why I keep putting myself through these hoops.
My birthday is this week and several social events. I still would rather always be by myself but am trying to explore being in group with others especially others that in the past I have enjoyed.
In a few weeks a visit to my parents. I don't want to go although I think it will be "good" to visit and see my grandmother.
My husband is somewhat on edge about his job. In these times of transition in the past he hasn't handled things well and has involved his parents in ways that I find unhelpful. I am trying to trust in his growth and in mine but it is scary.
I have also learned so much and not sure how to integrate it all.
*sigh*
That sounds a lot, rainydiary. :hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate the validation and comfort. :hug:
........
I'm having trouble falling asleep and thought it might help to get some thoughts out.
Today ended with a lot of comfort. My husband and I had a good dinner and watched a show we enjoy.
I heard from my car dealer today that the vehicle I ordered is on a train on its way to our state.
I had a lot of feelings today. Mostly depression. I read a chapter of The Tao of Fully Feeling and gained a lot from it. I did find the end of the chapter I read a bit insensitive and it made me angry that a less informed version of Pete would phrase things the way he did.
I feel so called to make my own business but am also afraid. My husband hasn't expressed support of late about my idea but he might just not be sure how serious I am as I've talked about it for a long time. I want to name my practice Inner Guide Communication Project. I started trying to create a logo and hope to keep tackling small things to be prepare myself.
I'm having trouble sleeping given an interaction I had with someone I knew in high school today. It ended up being a positive interaction yet really demonstrated how stressed I still am over the perception of others. I think this will always be a struggle but I am really feeling how much I worry about what others think of me.
Hi rainy,
Hope you're finding some rest. I always have such a hard time with work stuff. To me, I think we depend on these companies/ people for our "survival" much the same way we depended on our dysfunctional parent/s and have the same "anxious" attachment that is underlying the relationship, which then brings up all sorts of stuff.
I can imagine it's distressing going back home in a couple weeks after the interaction you had with your family and what's been coming up. Maybe you're not at ease with how that's going to go? Do you have a plan of how to manage the visit?
Happy early birthday :cheer: :cheer: I hope you get to do what you want to do with people around you that support you.
dolly
Dolly, I appreciate your post. I think applying for jobs is waking attachment stuff I have. I will explore the prospect of visiting my parents below - I appreciate you bringing that forward. Thank you for the birthday wishes. ❤️
.........
I finally got to sleep last night although I don't feel especially rested today.
I hadn't thought of this, but I haven't physically been in the same place with my parents since I acknowledged that their behavior and approach to raising children was abusive and neglectful. I realized all that right before the pandemic and haven't visited them in a while. I think that perhaps I feel a bit of a test coming in seeing how I manage and what I notice now in being together.
My past experience in visiting with them is that since my husband will be there, they will put their best foot forward. We also tend to leave and do things we want although it is a bit tricky to do that given where they live. We will have our own car and space to go at their house. I think I will consider a lot of ways to give self care before, during, and after the visit.
I think I am feeling off as I've had many things "end" and what is to come isn't quite here yet. I'm in a weird in between space and need to keep taking one step at a time.
Yikes, this day is already taking a turn I wasn't expecting.
My husband decided to stop working for the day.
Rationally, I understand his need for a break and appreciate that he is honoring himself.
Yet I find it very activating to past times where he has been unhappy with work. Those times involved him not talking to me and suddenly his parents are there "giving advice" when I had no idea what was going on.
I support him in wanting to make changes especially as he is supporting me with my transition. But if both of us don't have jobs I don't see how we can move forward.
He hasn't quit his job and maybe he just needs a break today. But this is all triggering right now.
:hug:
Taking a day off is a good act of self-care and I'll sit here crossing all my fingers for you that this isn't a replay of unhealthy (un)coping you've seen in the past with your husband and that he is instead growing along with you.
In the mean time: :grouphug:
Triggers suck.
Hi rainy,
It sounds like a good thing to spend some time with. The relationships we have with our parents take time to shift (imo and tried and tested experience :stars:). They're our most important attachment growing up and we often want so much (ideally) from them and it's hard when they don't meet those expectations. I find myself being a completely different person when I'm back home. It's incredible how it happens and fast too. I guess it's good in a way but also beyond challenging.
I hope you don't take it the wrong way and I may be off base here, but I was wondering if some of the issues coming up with your husband and his family are projections of your concerns about your own family dynamics that you haven't dug into yet and this is why they're so unsettling to you?
Sending you some support,
dolly
hi rainy, i hope you enjoy your day
Armee, I appreciate your words. It does seem like his taking the day was self care. I have more to explore of what this is taking me back to.
.....
Dolly, I appreciate your words. Stuff with my family and my in-laws are things I definitely use to distract myself from the dynamics with my husband. I will explore more below.
.....
Larry, thank you, I hope your day goes well.
..........
Yesterday ended up being a day of mutual rest. My husband really wanted space which surprised me. Given that he grew up and is still somewhat enmeshed with his family, I haven't experienced him setting boundaries with me. It was a different experience yet I tried to be open to it as an opportunity to grow.
I think I haven't really been resting since I quit my job, just pushing down feelings and trying to stay busy with meaningless stuff. It's hard to let go of the pressure I put on myself as well as the reality of living in a world where we feel pressure to produce and work and spend money.
I woke up this morning and remembered a time with my husband that I think I am flashing back to. This was about 8 years ago where we made a move to a different state. We shouldn't have made the move. It was terrible and resulted in so much pain. We existed in this horrible space where we weren't communicating with one another and we were both stuck. It was an incredibly lonely period for both of us. Part of me is afraid that will happen again.
When he starts getting dissatisfied, I worry we are heading back to that time. And yet I think I am not remembering all the growth that has taken place over the past decade in each of us. I struggled for so long to actually face our relationship and to be present for it. I put up with a lot of things that hurt me because I didn't want to be abandoned like I was as a child. And yet I still felt abandoned by him in a number of ways and times which hurt and made me want to give up on our relationship.
I think that is why we ended up living where are now. I think we came to this state to heal and break cycles and patterns. Now we've done that and are ready to continue forward in a different way.
A difficult thought came up while I was running and I would like to just get it out so I can move on:
Tomorrow is my birthday.
I am remembering a time when my dad felt the need to say that I was conceived before my parents got married.
I don't fully understand this, but it seems like this context came up when he was entering the military and how ashamed he was to share his wedding date and the date of my birth which don't quite line up.
I don't know why he said this to me. But what a very deep part of me heard was: you are a mistake. Your existence is shameful. You aren't wanted.
This isn't the first time I've thought about him saying this to me and how it makes me feel. But it is the first time I've written it out.
And now also as I write it makes me think of the narrative of me as a baby. I was born jaundiced and had an unsettled digestion when I was an infant. More examples of what a bother I was.
I'm scanning my memory for any positive things I was told. I can't think of being told any. I started to write out an example of a story my Grandma likes to tell, but now when I think of it, it just shows a little child (around 3 years old) comforting her little brother because her parents weren't doing that job.
I can't choose how I feel tomorrow, but I would like to focus my thoughts on celebrating myself. Today I will be gentle with myself and continue that care as long as it needed.
sending you positive birthday vibes !!
Quote from: rainydiary on December 09, 2021, 03:30:47 PM
I can't choose how I feel tomorrow, but I would like to focus my thoughts on celebrating myself. Today I will be gentle with myself and continue that care as long as it needed.
Hi Rianydiary,
However you feel today, on your Birthday, I hope that you have moments in the day that are enjoyable and I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday, and I hope you have cake :cake: if you like cake, and I wanted also to send you a big hug, if that's ok :bighug:
Hope :)
Happy Birthday, Rainy. I hope you have a good day doing whatever makes you happy. You are worthy of celebration. :hug:
Hi rainy,
Hope you have a good day and enjoy a new template for good birthdays for you. I can relate to what you said about birthday's being overshadowed by other negative memories. Birthdays were more about other people in my family than they were about me. I remember organizing a birthday celebration years ago and feeling so much anxiety, that the bottom would just fall out.
dolly
sending some sunshine on your day :sunny:
Larry, Hope, Snowdrop, Dolly - :hug:
What a welcome and wonderful surprise to open and have so many wishes. Thank you ❤️
..........
Today I am hoping to celebrate and reflect.
I am hoping to daydream about my future business and future home.
I am going to make a cake I like and eat and drink things I enjoy.
I am going to relax and try to enjoy it.
It is snowing today where I live which helps me go more inward.
Thank you all and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Happy birthday. :hug:
Your plan sounds perfect
Armee, thank you. :hug:
.........
Today was overall good. I did have several spots where I felt really sad. I'm not too sure why.
I did notice that when I started to feel bad, I didn't face it right away but rather started eating.
I am having a difficult time with how I feel about my body right now. I think I would like to move more and will try to get in some more walking.
I had some weird moments with my husband, my in-laws and my FOO with regard to acknowledging my birthday. I'm not sure what to make of it all.
I found my husband to be especially thoughtless today at times and it made me feel bad.
I do think it would be helpful to spend some time considering how I would like to spend birthdays in the future.
I think I have always waited around for someone (I don't know who) to celebrate and make me feel really important. That person could be me.
Rainy Diary, I celebrate you and the beautiful, caring person that you are.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 11, 2021, 03:21:27 AM
I think I have always waited around for someone (I don't know who) to celebrate and make me feel really important. That person could be me.
I have a significant birthday next year. I'm looking at ways that I want to celebrate, although probably not on the day. I've had too many disappointing birthdays in the past, so I am going to celebrate and honor myself with those whom I choose and in ways that I decide.
Thank you Not Alone. These words are much needed.
.........
I didn't mean to not tell the whole truth in my last post but I did. I learned about something in Pete Walker's book today that I am doing - diminishing.
I think I diminish how lousy and disappointing birthdays are. I probably haven't really thought on this before because as a working adult, birthdays are always broadcast and even if people fake caring about your birthday, it is at least acknowledged.
Today had good moments but I am now crying and in an EF. Birthday memories are coming to mind. I have some positive memories like my family going to eat at a place of my choosing. I had a good birthday party in 6th grade.
But I also feel this voice of my parents to not act entitled. I think they probably think birthdays are pointless which in my mind means I don't deserve to celebrate or be celebrated.
Tonight at the happy hour we went to, two people I've met once before today were more caring and kind towards me than people in my family including my husband. One of the people kept saying "Do you feel celebrated?" I told her yes but the truth is overall no.
My husband especially hurt me today. When I woke up, he didn't say a word about my birthday. I finally asked him about it and he acted like he "forgot" when I expressed my hurt (this is a classic move in his FOO). Knowing that he won't do anything, I prepared my own cake and take care of myself because I know he won't try.
Part of me is critical toward myself - if I don't express what I want, how can he know? Another part of me is critical toward him - why is that I can ask him in advance what he wants and make him a cake and plan a special meal but he can't do the same? Instead he plans things that are about him and claims they are for me. And I go along with it.
I guess now I know how I really feel and can grieve. Perhaps I've always held a part of me that thinks this day is just a reminder of what a mistake I am (not what I believe but what my hurt self thinks). I appreciate all of you sharing with me today. It helped a lot. I hope I can get to sleep.
Rainy.
I am sorry that your husband and FOO were not really there for you on your bday. I'd feel disappointed, too. :hug:
I think you are an amazing person and I'm glad you bare here. :hug:
That sounds so hurtful, Rainy. If I'd been in that situation, it would have really hurt me too.
You absolutely deserve to celebrate, and be celebrated. I'm glad you're here. :hug:
Hi rainy,
Urgh that's so frustrating. I'm sorry that happened on your birthday. Not that it's much of a bright side but I hope seeing it for what it really was, and not diminishing, is good in the end. I can relate to what you've said about not allowed to feel special on your day. You deserve to be recognized. :bighug:
I read what you wrote about your dad saying that as well and I'm sorry. Maybe it goes back to someone in his family (religious?) that shamed him into behaving that way? Not that it excuses or diminishes what he said.
Hope you're able to get some rest.
dolly
Armee, thank you. I appreciate the reminder that others would feel disappointed too and it isn't only me.
.....
Snowdrop, thank you also for sharing it would hurt too. It isn't just me. I feel celebrated here, thank you.
.....
Dolly, thank you. I think there is a bright side and I have learned how important it is to be honest with myself first and then I can make changes. I don't think of my family as especially religious but there must have been some thing my dad felt like he wasn't living up to. Through adult eyes, I do know my dad was harmed by his upbringing. It wasn't ok for him to act the way he did yet I also see he wasn't given any tools either and has struggled.
.........
I finally got to sleep and had really intense dreams. I can't remember much of them other than they involved dynamics between people including adults and children.
I shared my "a-ha" with my husband this morning that I was really bothered by the person asking me if I felt celebrated and that I don't. He immediately started trying to fix it and offered solutions from a place of guilt. I need to get clear within myself what exactly I am hoping for and then I can tell him more.
Something else that annoyed me yesterday was that at dinner he told these folks how this action figure on his desk is from his mom. I gave him that for his birthday a few years ago after he said he liked that character. I corrected him. Later he apologized for not remembering. What annoys me is that he so badly wants his mom to be the kind of person that would be that thoughtful and she isn't. Sometimes his weird relationship to his FOO just smacks me in the face.
We'll see how today goes. A friend of mine invited me to a party at her house. I have put off her extensions of friendship for a long time and decided to say yes to this. I feel overwhelmed at going. I do want to see her again before I move and think in the long run it will be ok.
Rainy Diary, I've had my b-day totally ignored by my H also. It really hurts. There's more I could say, but I don't want to hijack your post. I get it.
Even though painful, I'm glad you are no longer diminishing your feelings about birthdays. You matter and your feelings are valid and important.
I would have been really mad about the action figure incident. :pissed:
Not Alone, I appreciate you writing and often think of you in these situations. When I think about the action figure, I feel so much anger. I had this idea he thinks of me when he sees it and now I wonder, has he thought of his mom? It's possible he hasn't thought anything. It is so weird and gross and annoying. I think this is also important information for me which I will explore below.
.........
I went for a run and all I could think of is my husband.
I am seeing ways I have diminished (that word really resonates with me) my feelings in my relationship to him. He is not all "bad" but I am also wondering that just as in myself, I can't accept the "good" of someone if I deny the "bad."
I often feel/say to myself: What is wrong with me that I would choose a person that "forgets" my birthday? There are other things he has done over the course of our relationship that really hurt and I didn't acknowledge that hurt. Well, I would say I pushed it away and it has come out in other ways (seeped into things).
I think the time has come for me to really face the hurt I have felt in our relationship. I thought I had done that but I don't think so. What I see I've done is start to feel hurt and anger and whatever else. Then he does or says something that triggers my fear of abandonment and I push down what I felt. But it's still there.
I do acknowledge he has gaps and missing things that his FOO couldn't/didn't give. I do acknowledge that he has grown. But I haven't acknowledged the impact on me of things that have happened.
I worry when I see him what will happen if he ever directly faces the truth of his FOO. I often wonder if he will outgrow me once he faces himself. And for a long time I would have done anything to keep him from leaving. I know now I would be ok. It would be hard and hurt, but I am not defined by him.
I don't think that is what will happen. But I don't know. I do think facing how I feel will be helpful to me.
Hi rainy,
This is really big stuff you're getting out and I appreciate it. We're here to listen. When i first read your post this morning about the birthday, it crossed my mind if your h might be a narcissist too as it sounds like other members of his family are. Often we choose our FOO all over again without realizing it. Repetition compulsion is a powerful thing. It's just dawned on me that I go after unavailable people like my m after how many years and am probably still not cleared of it :doh:
Hope you're able to talk it out with him.
dolly
Dolly, I appreciate your words. The word narcissist feels so heavy and is a word I've considered to describe the behavior of my husband, in-laws and FOO. I still have much to untangle but think I peeled back some layers today.
.........
Just got home from a holiday party. It was ok and I am glad I went and that my husband went.
I sat with my discomfort today. I feel embarrassed for all the things I wrote before about my husband. I also realized that there have been many things with him where I didn't allow myself to feel what I truly felt. I started to feel those things today. I think I've worked hard to convince myself everything is fine when there are a lot of times it absolutely is not. I think that as I heal and grow I will continue to find what is nourishing to me and will do what is right for me.
I am coming to consider more and more how important grieving is to people. We all experience loss and pain in various forms and ways. Yet we aren't really taught how to grieve and I really only see examples of grieving in my culture when someone dies. That is an important time to grieve but so are all the other times that we feel loss. I feel like all I do is grieve.
These are tough, uncomfortable things you are facing, Rainy. I applaud your courage in doing so.
QuoteI think that as I heal and grow I will continue to find what is nourishing to me and will do what is right for me.
^^ This sounds very, very true.
I hope you can be gentle with yourself as you work through these things.
Hi rainy,
It is heavy but it's a weight you're carrying that's not yours if it's the case. I've been learning that there are factors which led to family members developing it which makes it seem less intense and charged, so that I'm able to get some distance from it. It makes it seem less directed at you if that makes sense. Also, covert narcissism is quite difficult IMO to discern and is a mind bender.
Sending you support and the grief will eventually lift. These are really hard things you're dealing with. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about grief, it's something I haven't thought a lot about.
dolly
:hug: Rainy.
Your grief is real and the things you are grieving is real. Even if society tells you you shouldn't be grieving, it is society that is wrong, not you. I am waiting for the day when I can grieve as I think you are right, that we need to grieve.
It's probably painful but ultimately more freeing to face the hurt in your marriage. That hurt you are feeling isn't just about one small incident like the action figure, but that one incident represents and embodies many other times you've felt like that in your relationship. What matters is that it has felt hurtful to you.
I also felt really guilty, reading that story about the action figure because I have such a bad memory I've done stuff like that often, not out of a bad place but I'm sure it must be super hurtful to others and I'm learning from you I need to attend to those feelings so people know they matter to me, even if I can't keep gifts straight.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 12, 2021, 05:06:33 AM
I am coming to consider more and more how important grieving is to people. We all experience loss and pain in various forms and ways. Yet we aren't really taught how to grieve and I really only see examples of grieving in my culture when someone dies. That is an important time to grieve but so are all the other times that we feel loss. I feel like all I do is grieve.
We do have many losses in our lives. I agree that it is important to allow ourselves to grieve. It is a blessing when we find people who can be present with us in our grief.
Snowdrop, I appreciate the hope for gentleness as I trend toward being harsh with myself.
.....
Dolly, I appreciate your words and sharing what you've learned about narcissism. I actually think society paints grief in a negative way. When I really think about interactions I've had with kids I work with, I see that most of our conversations have actually had a grieving element - sharing how a teacher that was harsh, showing me a scratch or some other outward "owie," talking about a conflict with a friend, etc etc etc. I never thought of it as grieving but I think it is.
.....
Armee, :hug: I've been thinking how I share my experience but I don't know how people experience me. People don't tell me how I come across. I can't fully control that however feel compelled to own my stuff. I appreciate your support.
.....
Not Alone, I agree it is so helpful to have folks that give us space to grieve.
........
I'm in a weird space right now. I feel all tangled up.
My husband and I have some difficult interactions yesterday and today. When he gets uncomfortable or something doesn't quite go the way he hopes, he seems to go into an EF or what I interpret as an EF. Often in these moments, he speaks very unkind words to me. Sometimes I simply perceive his words as unkind but sometimes the words are intentionally unkind.
This is not new behavior but I experience it differently now. Yesterday I pushed back on his unkind words. I wish I had handled it differently but it is new for me to stand up for myself directly in the moment.
I'm not sure what I am trying to sort out right now. I am just really noticing how much I've pushed down how I've felt having someone I care about turn into such a jerk at times. I think I've tried to own it and fix it and prevent it. I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of justifying for him that he learned bad ways of managing himself from his parents (which is true) especially when he says hurtful words to me.
Nothing in me is saying "Get out," but I hear "You deserve better."
Unrelated to my husband, but something I experienced yesterday - we watched a documentary about Alanis Morisette and I found it so interesting. I have a difficult memory of her music. I bought her album Jagged Little Pill when I was in middle school. I now realize that the messages in her songs were beyond my maturity level at the time. I had a lot of shame over that and tried to get rid of the album by returning it. The store was rude and wouldn't let me return it for just not liking it. That created more shame. But now as an adult I can receive what she was saying. I am trying to be caring toward that younger self.
Around that time, I remember a person in the locker room where I did swim team ask me if I was in the military. I was 12 years old. I was often mistaken as an adult by people. I was always seen as so mature yet inside I was not. But it's also embarrassing to me for some reason.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 13, 2021, 05:31:53 PM
Around that time, I remember a person in the locker room where I did swim team ask me if I was in the military. I was 12 years old. I was often mistaken as an adult by people.
That's interesting. That happened to me a lot too.
I hear you that things are difficult between you and h. But I see you are pushing back in the moment :thumbup: :cheer: That's very hard for me so I understand. I imagine when you've done it a few times, it'll get easier in general and also easier to say what you want in a way you find appropriate. Whereas now it's such a feat to speak up at all.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 13, 2021, 05:31:53 PM
This is not new behavior but I experience it differently now. Yesterday I pushed back on his unkind words. I wish I had handled it differently but it is new for me to stand up for myself directly in the moment.
I'm not sure what I am trying to sort out right now. I am just really noticing how much I've pushed down how I've felt having someone I care about turn into such a jerk at times. I think I've tried to own it and fix it and prevent it. I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of justifying for him that he learned bad ways of managing himself from his parents (which is true) especially when he says hurtful words to me.
Nothing in me is saying "Get out," but I hear "You deserve better."
A lot of big shifts occurring in that dynamic. Yea for you. :cheer:
I can relate to feeling shame and embarrassment over things that maybe others wouldn't even think twice about. I feel tender toward you and what you felt in those experiences.
hi rainy, i don't know what to say, jsut wanted to let you know that i support and appreciate you.
Blueberry, thank you for your support and encouragement. I hope we both find ways to share what is important when it is most important to do so.
.....
Not Alone, there are some shifts. I'm not sure what I am going to do. Right now give it time and see what unfolds. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that deeply feels past missteps.
.....
Larry, I appreciate you checking in. I am glad to have you in my community.
.........
I've been moving my body a lot more the past several days and it is helpful.
Some of my stress with my husband the past few days is that he is getting cold feet about moving. I am confused by it as he has frequently expressed dissatisfaction with where we live based on environmental factors we can't change (such as living at altitude and hot hot summers).
I understand feeling uncertain and worried about a transition as I feel scared myself. I'm more scared though of how he will handle it especially if he is just telling me he is fine with it and isn't really. I think a lot of his complaints about where we currently live are things his mom specifically has fed him. I'm still waiting for him to decide if he wants to experience his own life or continue to live as an extension of his parents. Challenges with moving will come from them passive aggressively undermining and him being lost in the FOG they create.
For now I've decided to operate on the assumption we are moving. When I move I have so many plans: get rollerblades, take a drawing class, join a bowling league. I also really enjoy archery yet find archery ranges a little overwhelming. These are certainly things I can do where I currently live, but wow I am ready for a change of scene.
I heard from my student Brave One which brings me joy. I am becoming more and more resolved at the idea of just jumping into my own business when we move. It's a bit tricky to be too proactive as I need a business license and until we are there I don't know that I can apply. I feel a bit vulnerable right now as I don't have work to sustain myself. I often operate with the understanding I may need to support myself and would like to get back to doing that.
I've had intense dreams of late that I can't really remember. I am becoming more and more me. It is exciting but I'm also scared. I'm scared because I worry what else I will find inside that I've been ignoring. I'm not bad scared, just scared of not living in denial.
I am watching a continuing education presentation and it is about trauma.
I always learn and am drawn to presentations like this but I am still almost always triggered by them. This in particular is providing me with more vocabulary which I appreciate...but my body is also reacting.
I would like to write what is coming up. Some of these thoughts/feelings came up yesterday but now I think I have more words to describe that is happening and why these types of presentations feel so lacking to me.
What these presentations bring up is my discovery of trauma in my life. It did not happen in a gentle or comfortable or understanding way.
I took a meditation course and I can still remember the moment where I broke. We were in a group and our prompt was to share about a happy memory from childhood.
I was last in the group and knew I was in trouble. In that moment as I heard others talk about their childhood, I partially acknowledged that my childhood was not good. I didn't have the words at the time and it came out as me bursting into tears and not understanding what was happening to me.
The facilitator did come over to me and tried to help me ground, but she never said another word to me about it. No one did. I felt so weird and isolated after that. I've noticed that ever since then, I've had a lot of trouble in my yoga trainings doing group meditation. I think I am afraid of something that big bursting out on me again.
In my first yoga teacher training, I also had similar difficulty during a particular portion of the training where I felt myself losing control. I tried talking to one of the instructors about it and felt blown off by them. I have hurtful theories about why they did that and maybe I misunderstood which is why I don't want to say what those theories are. No one in that training offered an explanation of what was happening either. So I felt isolated and weird.
Perhaps those folks felt like it wasn't their job or in their scope to explain trauma to me. But it would have helped me. I think more people need to know how their brain works and what trauma is in order to become acquainted with their experiences.
I think I will need to take a lot of breaks to get through this presentation.
Hi Rainy. You're doing really important hard work, noticing what's coming up during the training, and acknowledging how your husband's hurtful words and behaviors aren't ok. :grouphug:
There's some book on trauma and mediation I had to turn to to try to understand why even five minutes of turning inward was so terrifying and caused such bad dissociation. I felt similar to what you describe feeling abandoned by instructors when I was unexpectedly triggered by other people breathing in yoga. I was alone shaking and sobbing in a very crowded yoga class and completely bewildered by what was happening. I'm sorry you have had the same experiences. You will be a much netter yoga teacher because you have lived this stuff.
hi rainyday
I feel so inadequately equipped to reply...
but I wish you well today... i can understand that drive to learn more which seems to come at a personal cost, yet hopefully with some benefits too :)
My break came suddenly and hard too... it really was an event that was just so hard to pin down and impossible to explain to anyone ... I think now, it was a point of releasing at least some denial. Wishing you peace and joy and understanding today (and always)
I'm sorry for your pain.
Armee, I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I am sorry that happened to you.
.....
Paul, I appreciate your words and support.
.........
I made it through the presentation and cried some helpful tears.
One thing I did appreciate was how the presenter shared Loving Kindness meditation. I struggle with this meditation but found their approach helpful - first they had me consider a being (I chose my cat) in whose company I feel joy and then led us to consider that we are in a circle with that being.
As I make progress, I realize how many things I do to create rituals and routines that are just keeping me distracted. One of these is that I have a lot of different journals for different purposes that are difficult to maintain.
I was reviewing old entries in one of these journals and was really shook by what I read. Around this time last year (and really for most of 2020), I was going through the same difficult feelings with my husband as I am now and I had completely blocked that out.
I considered why this might be. Last year this time was still before the vaccine was released. I was constantly distracted by work and a particularly draining job. I was training for my ultra marathon. My cat was unwell most of the summer. I quit that draining job. I began focusing on the future.
Without the overwhelming amount of distractions, I am returning to the feelings I've been brushing up against for a while. 2020 was complicated given the pandemic but also in being my first year of recognizing and learning to manage CPTSD and trauma work.
I feel driven to have a concrete next step in my marriage. I'm not there yet. I do think I may have some difficult conversations coming my way in 2022. But for now there is so much at play and I need to continue untangling what is going on. I also need a way to support myself financially.
I am really tired after all of this today and hope I can find ease the rest of the day.
:hug:
That's a lot of big stuff to be thinking about and feeling. You're doing great staying with the feelings. That's not easy to stay present and aware of those things when there's trauma.
Armee, I appreciate your words and comfort.
..........
Yesterday I spent some time on Out of the Fog and it made me feel worse. I think I tend to blame myself for everything. This morning as I was running, I began to see it might be helpful to reflect on the past a bit. Times where I was hurt and didn't really acknowledge it myself.
I see my college years as a time where I took advantage of things that I couldn't do as a high school student - I was really involved in campus and loved being in a sorority. I definitely had a lot of relational issues with others and used alcohol unsafely and these things make me feel really ashamed still. But the past year taught me that I had people that genuinely cared about and liked me.
I didn't really do much to prepare myself for a career and adulthood. It came upon me like a wave. I was really depressed my last semester as I had no idea what to do with my life. I did end up getting contacted by the company I would work for, but I didn't have that lined up for exactly after graduation. So I went home.
My dad came to see my graduation and drive me home. That experience was really hurtful. I proudly showed him my sorority house and introduced him to people I cared about. He didn't say much but his body language said a lot. In just a few glances, I felt like a piece of garbage and all the good feeling I had about my life in college was undone. To minimize my hurt I told my mom I hadn't liked going to college there anyhow which she promptly told my dad.
I went through the interview process at the company and was offered a job. Through it all my dad was harsh about how I handled the interview and as my time at home drew to a close our family dynamics became unbearable. He yelled at me and insulted me and criticized me. My mom did her stuff of telling him things I said in confidence which he then yelled at me about.
I didn't feel like I had a choice - I had to work at this company to get myself out of my home. But it was never a good fit. From the start I was like "Why am I here?" I had no idea what I was doing. I also wasn't sent off with a lot of confidence in myself either.
My work started out ok - I was able to build relationships with people and act in ways that made me look good. That didn't last. I'm not sure what I did, but I eventually moved from the "good" list to the "bad" list and things got rough from a professional standpoint.
I can remember the time where I think I started to dissociate and make some really poor relationship choices. All of this led to the time of meeting the person that I would marry.
:bighug:
:bighug:
Sounds like tough things to be remembering rn.
I'm sorry being on OOTF made you feel worse. Happens to me sometimes there too. Replies can be rather harsh.
I hear and feel the enormity of hurt in what you told. It makes me sad. :hug:
Armee, :hug:
.....
Blueberry, :hug:
I appreciate the understanding about Out of the Fog. I think what got me was the symptom of avoidance. I avoid a lot of things. I started self-diagnosing and it made me feel awful.
.....
Not Alone, I appreciate the words and understanding. It makes me sad too and I have so much compassion for my younger self. :hug:
..........
I spent a lot of time writing in my paper journal today.
I think I am really stressed about seeing my parents next week. I don't want to go and only suggested going to avoid a conflict with my husband. It hurts me that I apparently haven't made it clear to him that I don't want to spend time with them and that the only way to not spend holidays with my in-laws is this. I would rather us do something for ourselves but he feels pressure to be around family at Christmas.
I have all these issues and complaints and hurts in my life and right now I am focused on the ones my relationship to my husband has brought me. Right now I catch myself holding it all in. Even if speaking it out doesn't change whatever issues and complaints and hurts he has, keeping it all in isn't going to help.
What I hope to do is get very clear within myself what I am hoping for and intending and to share that and then do the things that are important to me to do. I've erased myself and made myself small and kept silent for too long.
Everything you are going through is difficult and painful but I have this sense of a bold beautiful strong being breaking out of a metal cage. Keep going!
Hi rainy,
It sounds like you're looking at the past in a new way which can be difficult but also positive that you're seeing things you need in a relationship that allow you to feel good.
I'm sorry your parents went behind your back like that. I understand how frustrating and violating it feels. My family used to do that all the time and it made me feel like I couldn't trust anyone and humiliated and small.
Lots of support for your upcoming visit with the family. I've heard quite a few people at work talking about not going home for the holidays as it's just easier, and a lot happier, for them to do that.
:grouphug:
dolly
Armee, I appreciate the visual. :yes:
.....
Dolly, I appreciate your support. I hope one day to celebrate holidays in a way I like. I have come to try to bring joy and celebration more often during the year and not just focusing on these end of year holidays.
.........
Today I finished a course I purchased in like 2019 on starting a private practice. I had started the course but not finished it. Today I finished the lessons in the main course.
There are a few more supplemental courses that were included that I think I will look at.
I have a more defined plan for having a private practice than I did before. It feels like I could do it.
Something else I've been exploring are colors. I recently started wearing nail polish again after finding a company in Hawaii that makes nontoxic products. I am also looking more at ThredUp (which sells secondhand clothes).
My personal style has been to hide and not draw attention to myself. I am enjoying trying out different colors and trying to build up some outfits. Pants are the most challenging to find.
I am still waiting for some things to resolve but feel still today.
I had written a reminder to myself to write about something I remembered. I'm not quite sure what to make of this:
My parents were stationed in Europe the year I met the person that would become my husband.
I flew to Europe to visit my parents and two of my siblings for Christmas. It was a long and difficult journey as a huge snow storm had hit where I lived and resulted in my flight being cancelled. I was rebooked and somehow made it them (although my luggage didn't make at the same time as me).
I honestly don't remember a lot of detail from that trip. My mom, sister, and I took several smaller trips around Europe. Most of these trips involved my mom and sister fighting and overall was deeply unpleasant.
The last night of the trip, I don't know why but I burst into tears and could not stop. I was not ok and I think I knew that on this trip. But I was with people that had contributed to it. And what was to come was not easy either.
I think all of my past selves and future selves met that night and I cried. I don't remember my parents offering comfort and my siblings were confused. I don't think I wanted to go back to my job or life but I also didn't want to stay where I was.
I still don't know what to make of it. I don't understand. I had forgotten that happened - I never spoke about it to anyone and didn't really think about it after. I'm not sure what brought it to mind.
sounds like a really confusing time,
I wonder if it's reason this came up now will become more clear. Either way big hugs for what you went through that brought those tears on and I am sorry you were left emotionally all alone with those emotions.
You have a right to spend Christmas without either family and I hope that you are able to do that one of these years.
Larry, I appreciate you naming that - it was and still is very confusing. Thank you for checking in.
.....
Armee, I thought on what happened and will share more below. The other day someone asked my husband and I what our traditions are at Christmas and it was really embarrassing. We are not on the same page. We often travel and have spent the holiday together just us but there is always this undertone like it is inappropriate. I often get the impression that either he or someone in his family doesn't see us as a family just because it is the two of us and a cat. I also know that his mom especially puts a ton of pressure on him to be home at the holidays. My contribution is that anxiety drives me to expect and act in ways that I am just beginning to acknowledge. I hope one day to celebrate in a way that feels right.
.........
This afternoon has been somewhat restorative - I painted my nails this orange color. I thought I would hate it but it has really woken up something in me.
After I posted on here, I spent time in my paper journal thinking about that time.
First, unrelated to that but which I realized while journaling, Taylor Swift's extended version of her song All Too Well really resonated with me when I was listening to it a few weeks ago. I haven't acknowledged how many of the words in her song have stuck with me.
I thought about the context of what was going on for me that year (which was 2008) which I think I'll end up building on here. Beginning in 2006 and leading up to that year I had put all I had into my job and it seemed to go well.
Early in 2008 I visited my sister overseas where she was doing study abroad. Not all of me returned from that trip and I began to really struggle at work. My poor fit for the work as well as lack of management and genuine professional development and support widened the gap of what I could do and what I was somehow supposed to know how to do.
I also had a rather abusive relationship with a guy I should have stayed a long way from. Off and on that year we had sexual interactions that were damaging to me and yet I clung and clung and clung but felt so empty. I think that for so long I thought my worth was determined by my ability to have a relationship and be attractive to men, but this was not good on any level for me.
In the later half of the year, I visited with my brother and his family. I also went to a wedding of some folks I knew at one of my high schools. There I also saw and talked with a guy that I had deeply crushed on in high school. I felt so separate from others.
I went to a random event with a friend and ended up introducing myself to the person that would be my husband. We had a good conversation and I simply wanted to talk to him to more. In retrospect I am the one that kept the momentum going and I'm not sure he would have tried to connect after that event. Up until I left to visit my family for Christmas, it felt like things were going well...or at least I wanted to think they were. Around the time I left, I noted something was off between us but I didn't consciously register it. I chose to ignore it.
So I think the crying was somewhat that I didn't want to go back to my job. I wanted to stay and reset with my parents. Yet doing that would never have occurred to me and I don't think it would have gone very well. I also knew that something was wrong in my budding relationship and I had no tools to deal with that either.
I left to go back and deal the best I could. 2009 was an extremely difficult year and I set myself up for things I am still dealing with the fall out from.
Hi rainy,
I replied to your thread yesterday but not sure if I accidentally deleted it :blink: Sending you support right now with all this coming up for you. It sounds like you are coming "out of the fog" and going back and looking at things in a different way which is not easy :hug: Sometimes we have to live so long with what we think is normal that we get pushed down and it's not right but it doesn't mean that we're at fault for not being able to handle them at that moment. Sometimes these things are so big that there's no way we could handle them all at once or we can't make sense of it.
I relate to a lot of what you're saying and understand how frustrating and violating it feels to have your parents go behind your back like that. It used to happen in my family and I can feel myself shutting down and walling up. I think it also led to a lot of trust stuff with other people.
Talking to people at work this year, it's come up more that people aren't spending the holidays with family as there's less stress. Hope you find something that's right for you.
dolly
Dolly, thank you. You other post did show for me - it might have gotten buried in my very long posts. I wanted to mention as you noted you have noticed forgetting or missing things. I appreciate your support and understanding.
.........
I am pretty worn out today.
I am trying to take it easy.
I notice these days leading up to Christmas don't feel real and I am in this odd space.
I have done errands today so far.
I'm not sure if I have this impending sense of doom or what.
Something I haven't mentioned here but has been on my heart: my brother closest to me in age texted me earlier this week. One of his daughters is experiencing lower back discomfort while running track. He asked me about yoga stretches she could do. I was really caught off guard. I sent him some links to videos I do on YouTube. I hope it helps.
I realize I really want to be a resource for others. I don't feel like I am. I think I keep folks at a distance. I am making steps to feeling less in danger with others but still have a long ways to go.
Sending you lots of support Rainy for this difficult time of year and all you have on your mind about the ways you have been treated and abused in the past. I'm sorry about what happened with your past boyfriend. Though you didn't include specifics from my own experiences those incidents that skirt a line between something considered illegal and something considered something less than illegal can be very very harmful and difficult and still traumatizing, while being confusingly gray. :hug:
Armee, thank you. I think I often live so much in anxiety I don't always acknowledge depression in myself and right now depression is more present. Or maybe it's always there and I am just embracing it now. I think that person from my past was a form of self harm and while what he did is not excusable, I think I get stuck on why I felt compelled to do that. I am feeling loving toward that self and not blaming, just also sad that I felt driven to put up with abuse.
..........
I wanted to name that as I pour out a lot into this journal, I am afraid others will read and be turned off. I am judging myself for all that I'm putting here. I've also been doing a lot of reading about attachment theory and find that I give myself a hard time for new things I learn (like oh great here's another thing).
I think what really gets to me though is that stuff from the psychology and related fields is so focused on the mind. The vocabulary used really gets under my skin (which I brought up in a post about the word "desensitize"). That is a topic I am simmering on, but the words we use matter so much and I think a lot of words get thrown around without much thought of their origin and the impact they have.
Of late I have taken to imagining the future where I am established in a business and being asked to give talks at support groups. I am judging myself for doing this, but it is something I do.
In one such imagination, I began to consider how I often attribute some things about myself to innate qualities within me (like being an introvert). While that may be the case, I also haven't really explored the role my lived experience has played in how I act and things I do. Or I should say, I haven't considered it from a place of the value it has brought.
For instance, I am hypervigilant. My hyperviligance tends to pick up on the emotions and states of being of others. I am very intuitive and think I read others rather accurately even if that freaks me out and I don't want to acknowledge my read (like all the bad feelings I was getting in my last job before it all blew up). I think the value hypervigilance has brought me is that I ask a lot of questions and consider a lot of information. In some ways this is such a gift. I plan to contemplate this some more.
I am feeling strong but also stuck. This time will pass and I will come to the other side of whatever is going on.
Hi rainy,
Thanks for pointing that out :doh: I am a bit all over the place right now and can relate in not knowing what to feel in the lead up to Christmas.
I'm sorry as well that you had that experience with the past relationship. Also relate to picking up on the emotions of others. After reading the book on empaths I did a bit of googling and there is a correlation between people who went through trauma as children showing higher levels of empathy as adults.
I'm glad that you're getting some time to spend with yourself and name your feelings no matter how hard they are. It sounds good that your brother reached out to you. Maybe there's some support there regarding how your parents were growing up.
dolly
hi rainy, i learn so much from reading your posts, thank you, i hope you have a good day today
Dolly, thank you for your response. I appreciate the thoughts on empathy. The shift I am working on is hopefully to be more intentional and not just do things because of repetition compulsion. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that fully. I think my brother and I will grow closer over time, I hope.
.....
Larry, thank you for the compliment. ;D I hope your day goes well too.
........
Last night woke I up around 2 am in an EF.
I noticed my thoughts going to past chosen relationships with guys. That was a very painful journey.
I feel like my mind did generate some patterns and conclusions which I don't recall right now.
I will spend some time when I feel up to it thinking back over those people and situations and see what comes.
We'll see what today brings. I have things I hope to do but nothing I must do.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 17, 2021, 10:42:01 PM
I wanted to name that as I pour out a lot into this journal, I am afraid others will read and be turned off. I am judging myself for all that I'm putting here.
I am so grateful for what you share in your journal. I relate to a lot of what you share. Not only that, I care about you and care about your struggles and your dreams for the future. Even though we've never met in person, I feel like we are friends.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 17, 2021, 10:42:01 PM
In some ways this is such a gift. I plan to contemplate this some more.
I really love this rainydiary , and to be honest that is when I feel the best.... when I can see what I thought were just different things about me as gifts.
I want to bottle that feeling up to keep, but I haven't been able to, yet :) ...I hope you can!!!
Thank you for sharing and I hope you have a beautiful day.
Not Alone, I appreciate you responding to that specific section. I value and care for you too and think we can have all kinds of friendships. Thank you. :)
.....
Paul, thank you, I'm glad that resonates. I think that I forget that just because things hurt or have hurt doesn't mean there isn't value in some of it.
........
I am being reminded of how unpleasant last evening was as my day takes a turn.
This morning was relatively chill - my husband and I both did our own things which I appreciated being able to get things done on my to do list that are important to me to do.
My husband and I seem to be in a space of misalignment and I think we are just triggering the heck out of each other. He has been especially on edge of late and I don't fully understand why. Perhaps I have been too if I am honest.
Last night we were supposed to go see some holiday lights at a garden near us. I honestly don't know why he bought the tickets. I think he did it to please me. As the time approached, the tentative plans we had made were thrown out the window and he begins suggesting all of these ridiculous things which I interpreted to mean he didn't want to go. I got mad and did not handle myself well. I apologized later but think all that did was place all the blame on me. In the future, when he makes random suggestions for things I know he won't want to do when the time comes, I should say no.
We ended up having a pleasant evening at home if you remove the lack of connection and communication.
Today he is getting a new car. He's been stressed about it and I hope it all works out. We talked about what to do for dinner and he agrees to something but then makes a comment, "That's just what I wanted, to make my new car smell like...". That just gets to me. In the past I would have not said anything but today said, "It sounds like you don't want to get that for dinner." Then he starts in on how he's just joking. Which he's not.
I continue to feel vulnerable as I do not have my own car and I don't really enjoy driving his because of all these things he has about cars. My car is getting closer but isn't here yet. I am noticing he seems to hold a different standard for his own car versus ones he drives.
I thought about last night when I woke up in an EF. The overall feeling that came to me in my relationship to people I have been attracted to is "DUPED." I read a post today online about someone talking about being in a relationship when you have experienced trauma. I did not have good teachers in how to be in any relationship with others and all I see and feel now is the vulnerability that has put me in.
I also am really wanting to take responsibility for myself and how I show up in the world. I have been really upset with myself for how much I avoid and how much my lack of honesty probably sets me up to be taken advantage of. It's hard to be kind to myself right now.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 18, 2021, 08:11:02 PM
In the past I would have not said anything but today said, "It sounds like you don't want to get that for dinner." Then he starts in on how he's just joking. Which he's not.
I'm afraid I couldn't find the website, but one of the articles that I read about people with avoidant personality said that if another person calls them on something, they say, "I was just joking." My H uses that protective/avoidant wall.
:hug:
Remember...even if things you did, like maybe avoid conflict, allowed abuse to continue, you are not the one who did the abusing. Someone else did that to you and that is not your fault. Avoiding conflict does not make you at fault for being abused. That lies with the abusers.
hi rainy, i just wanted to say you are a beautiful person.
Not Alone, I appreciate the support on avoidant types. I've been looking at a site called The Attachment Project. Right now I'm trying to focus on my attachment (mostly anxious I think). I bought a workbook from them and started on it today.
.....
Armee, I appreciate the reminder. I am trying to consider that I am being reflective about myself and aiming to grow in ways that help me feel better in my life.
.....
Larry, thank you for saying that. I appreciate your support.
........
I wasn't going to write today as I have been trying to relax and not think as much. But I have had some reflections I would like to write out.
Yesterday after I posted, I tried to talk to my husband about my concerns. I noticed something though: I tend to frame things in terms of his experience. I frame things in a way that lets him off the hook of needing to find words to describe his own experience. Today we were trying to solve a problem and during our problem solving, he sort of tripped over a blanket and pillow that has been on the floor for months for our cat. He exaggerates his trip and right away I respond by moving the blanket. It occurred to me after I did it: "If he wants it moved, he can move it."
I have been feeling pretty upset that I do these things (and have been doing them for a very long time). Awareness is important and in the future I can hopefully choose differently.
I've been working on a self love journal I bought and have found it difficult. I decided today to start going through an attachment workbook I bought.
I'm getting stuck on my judgments of the "founder" of the workbook company. I'm also getting stuck based on past things I've read or think I know about attachment theory. I did appreciate that the workbook mentioned that the attachment types can be seen more continuums as we don't exactly or necessarily fit neatly into one category. I'm trying to consider what I could gain from going through the workbook and plan to keep going.
A reflection I had after reading through background on the foundation of attachment theory and descriptions of the areas was that I am sad. I'm sad that my bond with my parents is the way it is and the long term impact that has had on my life. I'm sad because it led me to marry someone that I continue playing out past hurts with. A heavy thing I carry right now is the worry I made a mistake and married the wrong person. Another heavy thing I carry is sadness over how I have acted toward others.
This week will be very interesting. I'm hoping to make it to next Sunday with as little pain as possible. I will be at my home on Monday and Tuesday then plan to head toward my parents' home on Wednesday. We plan to leave there to come back home on Sunday.
I am exhausted and on edge today. Some of it is hormonal, some of it is stress.
The past few days my husband has been claiming to have a sore throat and sort of implying he thinks he might have COVID. I've been getting more and more annoyed with this because I don't believe he has COVID and because it is popping up close to the time of leaving to see my parents.
What he doesn't understand is that:
1. When he acts like this, all I can think is how he is acting narcissistic like his dad pretending to have skin cancer while his brother is actually dying of cancer
2. I have already set in motion a lot of things with my parents which could have been avoided if we had just decided to spend the holiday together in our own home and that cancelling on my parents creates other dynamics
3. If it was reversed, he would not cancel on his parents
4. I personally believe this is more about us not choosing the "correct" way to spend Christmas which is Christmas with his immediate FOO
I had ordered an at home COVID test and let him use it. Of course it said he was negative. I believe he has a sore throat - it has been exceptionally dry where we live and he has been especially stressed. There are many reasons we could have a sore throat.
I did contact my parents this morning as I felt obligated to let them know my husband is potentially I'll. They expressed understanding, but good grief.
We will be heading to see my parents tomorrow.
I've felt emotional all day and cannot fully say why. I've had strong, weird dreams the past few nights.
We watched a show recently where a girl was in a relationship and pretended to be ok with how casual the guy was about it. He ended up hurting her and she stood up for herself. Her dad was also there and he stood up for her too. The scene made me cry. It will be something I think on.
I am worn down and I am in a place where I wish I was a different person.
I don't like how constantly dissatisfied I am with things. I don't like how mistrusting I am of everyone and everything.
I hope that myself and all of you here take it one step at a time the next several days with gentleness and kindness toward ourselves.
Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that things go ok for you when you see your parents tomorrow, and I'd like to wish you a safe journey. :hug:
I like your suggestion of taking one step at a time in the next several days with gentleness and kindness towards ourselves.
Hope :)
I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the same Rainy as I am extra gentle with myself the next few days.
Hi rainy,
I understand about feeling stressed about heading home for the holidays and will be thinking about you :hug: I also get the emotional reaction to watching the show with the father standing up for the girl. It's hard when we didn't have people to stand up for us and with us.
I understand your frustration over your husband and his behaviour with his FOO. I don't know if it's helpful or not but I've been hearing some interesting information about tests through friends. One said he had a mild cough and was a bit under the weather but all his lateral flow tests over three days were negative. When he started feeling better, his lateral flow was positive. Another shared the different results of nasal and throat swabs and how nasal can be negative while throat positive. I've been having symptoms of water retention and night sweats over the last week which I just learned are symptoms now related to omnicron. However, I've had two negative lateral flows and one negative PCR test in the last week.
Hope you find some good space for yourself with your family over the holidays.
dolly
sending hugs and sunshine, ;) :sunny:
Take care, rainy!
I'm glad I logged on here and appreciate all of the support. :hug:
I am at my parents' house and really feeling the strain of being here. I would like to go home.
It has been ok, I'm just wanting my own space.
Today my dad showed some of his anger and it was a bit triggering. It wasn't directed at me, but....
My mom has really felt like she needs to unload a bunch of stuff on me. I'm tired.
My husband says he is fine but I'm having trouble not owning his emotional well-being while here.
Tomorrow we will add my angry and unhappy grandmother to the mix. It's hard to say how it will go.
Last night I had weird dreams that brought up images of people I haven't thought of in a long time.
I'm not sure how to care for myself right now. I feel stuck in old dynamics. I just want to go home.
:hug:
You'll get to go home soon. And if it gets to be too much there's no rule saying you can't just leave early if that's what you need to do.
:hug:
Armee, I appreciate the reminder I have choices. :hug:
.....
Dolly, I appreciate the comfort.
........
I am just waking up on this holiday that I struggle with.
I dreamt about people from work last night.
My mom has been asking me a lot of questions about work and what happened. I have been more honest in answering those questions than others. But now I am feeling it as a danger.
I think I am still trying to defend myself in what happened. I still have a lot of unresolved feelings and anger. I also have a lot of self blame and feel like I served myself up on a platter. I feel so ashamed.
And if I had a healthier family, of course I would be able to explain my experience and receive support. That is not the family I have though. I worry my mom will repeat what I've told her to my dad. And her repetition will not be accurate. She will embellish based on her limited understanding. And that could set my dad off.
Hopefully today will go ok. I am declining a ride in the car with my dad to pick up my grandma. That is the only care I can give myself right now.
:hug:
Standing with you rainydiary. Your feelings are valid. :cheer: for the self-care - declining a ride.
San, thank you. :hug:
.....
Blueberry, I appreciate your support, thank you. :hug:
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I have made it to the last evening with my parents/family. It's been a relatively ok trip. It just feels empty and I feel disregulated.
This last part is hard in a different way. I feel anxiety at leaving. I feel sad at leaving. But I also can't stay.
I feel like I am a disappointment. I think my family is concerned that I quit my job. Their way of expressing concern is to ask invasive questions which I don't fully answer which just keeps the questions coming. But also, I shouldn't feel like I am a disappointment to my family.
I learned I am not the only one that doesn't tell my parents things. My mom made some comment about my brother and how he doesn't tell them things but leaves it up to his wife. I do notice that my brothers' wives communicate a lot more with my parents than my brothers and I do. I don't know how much my sister communicates with anyone.
I am noticing where some of my actions and behaviors come from. My dad didn't relax once while I was here and he and my grandma had a lot of conflict while she was here. My mom talks constantly and doesn't realize how much she contradicts herself as there is a gap between her words and her actions. I also would fall into a dynamic of talking about things or saying things to deflect attention from myself.
My husband and I did have a good conversation this morning. If I communicate my experience to him, he often does try to make adjustments when he is able. This time of year does not bring out the best in either of us and it is easy for me to lose sight of how hard he does try. I've also taken the chance while we are here to share small bursts of my experience. Like he witnessed my dad's anger toward the dogs and I shared that anger used to be used against me and my siblings (and truthfully would be again if the conditions were just right).
The moment of parting will come and go tomorrow and I will be on my way to see my cat.
hi rainy, i hope you have a warm and sunny day,
I feel relieved for you that this difficult time of year will be over soon and you can assess where things are and what you want to be different next year and what is satisfying.
Larry, thank you. It is extremely windy where we are but I am home now which is a big relief.
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Armee, thank you. I have much to contemplate. I don't think I prepare myself for the holiday season. I just hold my breath and try to not pass out. I am feeling in my body I need a different approach.
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I am back home. I am glad for my things and for my cat.
I did not sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. Lots of feelings and an EF. I kind of went back to sleep but it was restless until my alarm went off to get up.
Leaving wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. A good thing about my family is they are timely travelers and understand that people need to go.
Our trip home was smooth. This side of Christmas I feel so much better. I did reach out to a friend last night and she offered helpful words and love.
As humans I understand the struggle of my parents and of my ancestors. There is so much trauma in my family and it is unacknowledged. Although it hurts I feel fortunate to have the tools and support to find ways to feel better.
Hi rainy,
I hope you manage to stay on your track about your job and starting your business and not be swayed by what your parents say or think. I'm sure you have the resources in you to do it. It's not their life at the end of the day - it's yours. This is what I had to do with my family and I know it isn't easy what you must be going through.
Hope you now get some time to relax.
dolly
Glad you made it through family time. I want to say more but my brain is a bit muddled right now.
You've had a lot going on, rainydiary. I wish I had the wherewithal to say more but I don't. I'm glad you're back home and have your cat for company (and support?) again.
Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad you made it back home safely, and that your trip was ok. Welcome back home. You've been dreaming a lot lately, and that's understandable with all that's been going on.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
way to look on the bright side, rainy. i'm just sorry the holidays were so fraught with distress, but it sounds like you were able to learn some things that will be helpful for you going forward. i'm not at all surprised by all those dreams. your brain had a lot to process while you were away. love and hugs :hug:
Dolly, I appreciate the encouragement. I stand in my own too and am working through that as well. Thank you for your support.
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Not Alone, I appreciate you checking in and I appreciate your support.
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Blueberry, thank you, I appreciate you checking in. I am glad to be around my cat again and have her cuddles.
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Hope, I appreciate the comfort you offer. My dreams have continued although I can't remember them and I think I am struggling with how active my brain is even when I sleep.
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San, I appreciate your support. My brain is still working things out for sure.
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I feel on the verge of tears yet haven't allowed myself a really good cry.
I definitely did not care for myself last week as well as I would have liked.
I've noticed that I have dissociated more this week.
I was just reading a bit in one of Pete Walker's books and noticed I was dissociating.
As I asked myself what was going on, the thoughts that came up: I am so disappointed in myself for slipping last week with my parents. Despite all the growth and awareness I've gained, I fell back into old patterns and stopped caring for myself. It makes me feel so foolish and ashamed.
I was really caught off guard by my mother's behavior especially. Her harm is less noticeable than my dad's but I really noticed it last week. I think another part of me is also upset that it has been so easy to see and complain about the meanness in my husband's family when there is a lot of meanness in my own. My mom intentionally ordered something for my grandma that she knows she won't like just to get back at her. That made me so sick to realize and really see that so obviously. But then also to not stand up to it.
I've been feeling really lousy about myself this week especially as a professional. I am still really hurt by my last job. I think that eventually I will feel how well I did stand up for myself in leaving but I am still hurt.
Yesterday I watched a presentation where the presenter talked about transition. I dissociated during her talk which I found so interesting to happen while watching a recorded presentation. I almost always dissociate in group mediation type experiences and I tried asking myself why. I think it may be somewhat about happened when I started uncontrollably crying in a live meditation class I took when people talked about their childhoods. But I don't really understand this in myself.
During the presentation the presenter asked - "What do you need you to remember most in times of transition?" The answer that came up for me is, "I matter."
You do matter, Rainy Diary. :hug:
You sure do matter, Rainy!
I wish you didn't feel disappointed in yourself- I think you are incredibly courageous.
I hope you are extra kind to yourself.. THAT was not an easy thing you went through over Christmas and you did it :)
You do matter. What you need and want matter. You deserved a better work environment. You deserved a better childhood and better romantic partners. :hug:
i hope you have a sunny day miss rainy
You totally matter, rainy! :yes:
I wish you didn't feel disappointed about how you acted around your parents. It's really, really hard not to slip back into those old ways of behaving when you're in a stressful situation, and even worse in a stressful situation with FOO mbrs from 'back then' (rather than 2nd cousin twice-removed you never saw). Really, no reason at all to feel ashamed because it's pretty normal for all of us to slip back a bit (or even a lot) in that kind of situation. Recovery: 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Then ime often a huge step forward again after the backwards step. ime and imo there often steps going forward in one aspect and others going backwards or seeming that way. Your realisations and feeling things and wondering about things are steps forward imho. It's really hard to hold everything together at once. Like having a bag of sand with several holes in the sides of the bag - really hard to stop the sand pouring out of at least one of them.
You're doing great, rainy! Really, really great. I'm really impressed what all you have accomplished and continue to accomplish. Not that we should compare ourselves but I tend to a little (oops) and you're one of the mbrs on here where I think "Man! She's doing so much, working so much on stuff, moving forwards with giant steps. Why aren't I more like that? Why am I so lazy in comparison?" The stuff in white isn't helpful for me to think but could be for you to read, rainy.
:hug: :hug: :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
let me add another 'you matter' to the rest of them, rainy. it may not have felt like it, especially among people in your past, but you're here with us now, and we see you differently. love and hugs :hug:
Not Alone, thank you for this reminder.
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Paul, thank you for the support and perspective.
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Armee, thank you for the support.
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Larry, thank you, I wish you the best in 2022.
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Blueberry, I really feel the white words. Thank you for sharing that vulnerability-
I admire you and the work you are doing. I am glad you are in my community.
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San, I appreciate your support and perspective.
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This week has been difficult and I've been unhappy.
Today had ups and downs and I feel as though I am ending the day on a down.
I feel out of sync with myself which makes me out of step with my husband. I have felt out of step with him since his brother died and I began my healing path.
Even when unhappy I remain hopeful that I will get closer to peace.
After I wrote this, I was able to acknowledge two things to myself that feels important to write.
First this week hasn't been entirely unhappy - I re-read Pride and Prejudice which always brings me joy.
And also, since my BIL's death and my healing journey started, I have felt incredibly alone. I have felt alone a lot of my life, but have never acknowledged how much it can hurt.
I'm reaching a point with the support of this forum and a friend I have who lives in a different state where I need different things in relationships.
I feel the weight of trying to express this in my daily life. I continue to struggle with trust and with doing other people's work for them. I will continue to try.
But it has been very lonely most days and I am saddened by that loneliness. I appreciate you all being here.
:hug: I appreciate you being here as well. :hug:
Sending you lots of company in your journey, Rainy. It was a very full year for you and I agree with Blueberry you have been doing a lot of work. I hope it bears fruit in the new year with some of the peace and understanding you are looking for.
I've found when we do our own work that can be contagious to those around us in a good way. I hope that is true in your relationships.
Hi Rainy,
I'm sorry your trip back stirred so much in you and it's so difficult right now. Even though the conversations/growth are difficult, sometimes they're the things we need in the long run. Thinking of you at this time and glad you have someone irl to reach out too. I appreciate you being here as well.
dolly
:bighug:
:sunny: