Out of the Storm

it's 2021 now, a new year, a new journal.  it's been a terrible year for me in many ways, and i'm still plowing thru the gritty crapola that has tried to conquer me.  it hasn't yet, but it's sure given its best shot.  i've got so much yet to go, i really can't see me fully healing from it all, mainly cuz of my age - there just isn't enough time!  still, i haven't given up yet, altho there have been a few times when it's been a close call, and i'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, shovel in hand, hoping it all doesn't suck me under before i can get a strong foothold again.

my worst anniversary is coming up this week, the day when i went nc with D1.  absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done, and i think of her every day even tho i don't really want to know anything about her.  like i told my t last fri., i left the door open for her to have a respectful, adult relationship with me if she wants, and all she has to do is let me know.  this will be 6 yrs. that she has chosen, every day, not to do so.  6 yrs. of torture to a mother's heart.  my heart hurts just writing about it.  when i told her these conditions, she wrote me 3 emails, beginning 'i love you'. i was excited for a moment until i read the rest of the first one.  she called me the vilest names i've ever heard one person call another. 

i shouldn't have written this now - it's night, i've got to try to go to sleep.  i've just asked the powers that be to take care of her.  it's all i can do for her.  in the meantime, i am absolutely so very glad that my darling D2 is with me, and loves me, showing me patience and kindness every day.  i couldn't ask for more from her, and she keeps me alive and laughing.  that's about as good as my life can get at this point.  she is a jewel in my crown of life. 

San, my heart hurts for you and the pain that you experience in your relationship & and separation from D1.  :hug:

thanks, notalone.  i really appreciate your compassion.  :hug:    sometimes this is the one piece of this whole c-ptsd thing where i feel alone. 

San, wanted to come by and say that I hear you and feeling your pain  :hug: Although I'm unable to relate, I still hope that you know that you are not alone in this, we all feel your pain as you describe. Sending you a safe, warm and big hug :bighug:

thank you, marta, for all your support, caring, and kindness.  i do know i'm not alone, that you all are here for me, wishing me the best.  sometimes it's one of the bigger pieces that keeps me going.  love that hug! :hug:

rough day yesterday.  didn't do any processing, but spent over an hour telling my t all the ins and outs of that narc t i was with for 8 yrs., who i eventually reported for breach of ethics to our state board.  it was harrowing to retell it, relive it, see it all play out again.  i felt wretched the entire day.  my t is absolutely disgusted w/ what that woman did to me, how she treated me and constantly put me in harm's way emotionally and mentally. 

i will watch some tv, don't know if i can write - i'm still kind of brutalized in the brain/mind area.  i put her back in the box w/ my ex and D1, but added some extra old clothes to cover her up even more forcefully.  ok, i'm out.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 20, 2021, 02:36:38 PM
  didn't do any processing, but spent over an hour telling my t all the ins and outs of that narc t i was with for 8 yrs., who i eventually reported for breach of ethics to our state board.  it was harrowing to retell it, relive it, see it all play out again. 

That sounds like processing to me.

 :hug: I am glad you are still here San! I totally get the leaving the door open and hearing nothing but hate or crickets. I have a son my husband and adopted who's going to be 24. We had to do some tough love when he was 19 to help him grow up. We didn't hear from him for four years then he showed up to get his original birth certificate and things with his original name on it. Yelled and screamed using words that broke me too tiny pieces saying we were horrible parents for 45 minutes. He wanted the papers cause he was changing his name back. And now it's been almost another two years since that we haven't heard a thing. Hope he's still alive some where. :Idunno: All that said to say I feel your pain of a broken momma heart.💔 sending big hugs for love and comfort :hug:

hey, notalone,

when i say 'processing', i'm meaning i didn't do any emdr/eye movement processing.  that's very different to me than dredging up memories and examples.  but, i understand what you're saying.  even dredging up the muck takes brain energy, roils things up in my mind, and can be draining.  thanks for the support and the observation. :hug:

tee, so very sorry to hear that about your son.  so very sad.  i know you can relate to what i'm saying, but i wish you couldn't.  it's a very difficult and special kind of torture to have to live with.  :hug:

i did make a shift about my narc T yesterday, which is good.  it was as if a certain madness was relieved yesterday, and as i was sitting in back of our home, among the trees, i felt some of the madness from my relationship with her leave me.  i heard the words in my head - she's in the past, you don't have to be afraid of her anymore.  i think that was a big first step, but i don't think it's finished.  still, that new way of thinking is a good thing, i think.  such a novel concept.

the one very good thing i learned from her that has been a lesson for myself and my career is how NOT to be a therapist.  so, silver lining.  it's hard to believe, even today, how much harm she did to my mind and psyche, my personal perspective, and thru me, the harm i did to my family and people in other relationships.  she plucked me up, spun me around until i was dizzy to my bones, then placed me back on the ground, running in circles.  she was like a drill sergeant to me, forever knocking me down psychologically, one more time, one more time, one more time until i heard only her voice in my head, her expectations, her wishes.  she took me over.  i would've drank the kool-aid for her.

that last sentence frightened me, but since i wrote it, i know it to be true.  i've got a lot of work to do on that 'relationship' in all it's various forms.  whew!  ugly stuff - i want to throw up.

tonite i am engulfed in the muck - we discovered today that our house is unlivable as it is.  someone finally came in, took a proper look at something we've been complaining about for over a year, found that the roof is faulty and the ceiling is full of rot and mold in my d's room.  the agent from the mgt. company came out after the repair guy called to tell her, and she had a proper look around at everything we've been complaining about since we moved in.  foundation is cracked in several rooms, the house is settling and producing cracks in ceilings, and my d can't even sleep in her room.  the agent said she'd call us by mon. to get someone out here to fix the roof properly.

i've decided if we don't hear from her by then, we may have a case for legal aid to help us out.  they've been trying to sell this house for way too much money, and since she saw everything that's wrong, she said it's unsellable.  well, it's also hazardous to our health and wellbeing, and i'm really pissed :pissed: that we've been going thru all this for so long.  i nearly crumbled.  we knew it was sick, but i've been hoping against hope that it wasn't as bad as it is.  it's worse.  the maintenance man said it's unfixable, that it would have to be rebuilt from the bottom up.  i can't believe this owner has raked us over the coals for so long, we've been living under a threat that if we complained too much, the owner might sell it.  now that it's on the market, our fears disappeared, and we listed everything, showed her everything.  i'm just making it to tomorrow, when i'll have a session.  what a frucking nightmare!

so, at least we know.  dealing as best we can, but there it is.   :fallingbricks:

 :hug: Oh San I'm so sorry that royally sucks.  I hope you are able to take action against them and get things taken care of while maintaining some semblance of sanity.😔 Sending a big hopeful hug. :hug:

Oh man, that really sucks!!
I hope you guys can get something sorted. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

hey, tee,

i've just gotten info from legal aid, wrote the mgt. company a scathing email about how extremely angry, concerned, and disappointed i am that things aren't even getting assessed as to what needs to be done, if we're going to get compensation cuz it's been a week tomorrow that my d hasn't been able to sleep in her bedroom, it being full of mold and rot and generally unsafe.  roofers were sposed to show up today, but they didn't the the agent never gave us a head up or responded to an email and text by my d at noon.

doing everything possible to hang onto my sanity, sweet tee - thanks for that.  i broke down twice today - it's just getting so hard to keep my head above water.  i also wrote that my d and are are now seeking professional help to deal with the mismanagement and ongoing stress because of it.  what a frickin' nightmare.  thank you so for your wonderful, caring hug. :hug:

hey, alterego, thanks for the well wishes.  much appreciated.  i can use all i can get.

so, just working on getting from one day to the next, sometimes one hour to the next.  using all the crutches at my disposal.  it's a good thing i don't drink anymore, cuz i doubt i'd be breathing any sober breaths lately.  we'll see if we get some kind of response tomorrow.  i told the agent she was nice, but things still aren't getting done on her watch, and what kind of compensation are we going to get for this situation?  we checked, the house is still up for sale, even tho she said, after looking at my d's room, that it's unsellable.  we're now in it for the fight, but it looks like we'll have to move.  hate that thought, but that's what it's getting to.  this is so stressful!

one good thing, we might have a deal on a car.  the neighbor's kid is going into the navy, leaving in about 5 days, is willing to maybe do a rent-to-own deal with us. 

we're having an inspector come in next week, do a full inspection of this house, see what's actually wrong with it.  a note from legal aid said we might be able to get the cost of the inspection taken off the rent.  i've lost my patience with this now, am pissed and getting sick about it.  not a good combo for me, cuz i want to fly off the handle.  my d keeps me in check - i won't send anything w/o her looking at it first.  good check and balance.

in the meantime, here's to meds, cigs, and food - my 3 crutches, on which i'm leaning heavily right now.  god, i hate this. 

Hi SanMagic,

So much going on for you in your new Journal, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug (nice big one)  :bighug:

Glad you have some good news amongst the more challenging things - great that you have a deal on the car.  I hope you get something positive back from your dealings with the mgt company.  Awful for your daughter to be unable to sleep in her bedroom because of the mod and rot.  Horrible.

Really hope there is some more lights ahead and more positive news for a way out that is workable.

Take care
Hope  :)

thank you for that big hug, hope.  love it, love you :hug:

i'm already burned out from looking at legal info re: tenant-landlord rights and expectations. it's only 8 a.m.  i plan to call the city mgt. office, find out about code violations, and i want to write to the LL about getting an inspector in - looks like we might be able to have that cost taken off our rent.

grateful for all these little things, but the effort and energy to get them going just overwhelms me.  my d has to go back on unemployment cuz she lost another client due to the pandemic.

very scary yesterday when talking to the neighbors about the car. the kid (K) and his mom's boyfriend (BF) were talking to me about it, when suddenly the BF said he is so done with this virus, if he had his rifle, he'd shoot the governor of our state.  i am taking this in my stride, just said - i don't get into politics - after the K just said 'oh, he's talking politics'.  i've dealt with so many different kinds of people in my life, but have never heard someone threatening that they'd like to shoot someone.

i don't dare tell my d - she's already scared of this guy cuz she knows he has a gun.  i'm more comfortable around a rougher grade of people, but this one dinged me in the back of my mind.  so, let's just put someone to shoot a gov't official cuz he doesn't like the way she's managing this state's covid response.  just pile that on top of everything else.  yeah.

it may be a good thing to move after all.  on the other hand, with all the violence that has taken place in the name of politics this year, there is no guarantee that we won't be living next door to a violent person somewhere else.  this guy likes us, so i'm not afraid of him, and i can shmooze people with the best of them if i have to.  this may be our best bet for a car - he even said we could set up a rent-to-own deal, and there's no rush.  the K will basically hold it for us.  i'll take my resources where i can find them - it's been my motto for a long time.  it's like wading through the jungle, with all the snakes and poisonous insects and wild animal threats to get to the pot of gold.  i'll do what i have to to get what i need.  i'm on a mission (when i have the energy for it).

:bighug: :bighug:

thank you, bach, for those lovely warm hugs! :hug:

it's the weekend, nothing to do, can't get hold of anyone. we sent the most recent email to the mgt. co. yesterday, both to the agent and the co. itself - no response.  we took pictures of the wetness along the wall, which is simply not sealed, so all the water comes in, is held in the carpet. the hole in the ceiling is covered, but we uncovered it to take a pic of the rot and mold growing there.  it's been over a week with nothing done, rent is due on the 1st.

this feels like another battle i'm in, so is extremely triggering, like my entire life has been one battle after another.  we're fighting for this because we want to make sure we've done everything possible to make this dream come true before we throw in the towel and call it quits.  feels like all the relationships i've been in - i've stayed and fought until i was forced out by the continuing abuse, denial, dismissiveness, gaslighting - all those goodies i'd been taught to endure, even if it left me a broken wreck. this is exactly the same.

i  stayed too long, perhaps, but even through all those, i wanted to make sure that i gave it my all, that i would feel clean about having to leave cuz it was impossible to stay any longer.  my d feels the same, and she brought it up to me the other day. i was glad she was seeing it that way cuz i've gotten quite worried about her. the stress has caused physical problems for both of us now, and we're trying to keep our anxiety/panic down about symptoms we're experiencing. 

the inspector is coming wed. at least he'll tell us exactly what the damage is and what that means for us as to whether or not we should even attempt to buy this place. all we can do now, i guess, is wait.  i'm going to see about the possibility of this being a legal case, and if we can find a lawyer that we can afford - there's a possibility my income is just under the level needed to qualify for a pro bono lawyer from legal aid, but i'm not sure.  i may be just over the edge, and my d's income is only a tiny bit more than mine.  it's too gruesome and wearing to think on this anymore.

 :bighug: :bighug:

i can feel the care behind those hugs, blueberry.  thank you so. :hug:

cried again today.  this is so unlike me.  i think what the neighbor said about wanted to shoot the governor cuz of covid shook me more than i realized.  i saw a former neo-nazi who has reformed and now does outreach with others to help them get over the hate.  he said that his group and others like he used to be would look for the 'potholes' in people, especially ex-military, cops, and anyone else who felt unheard, and he and his group would fill their 'potholes' with hate.  it made my blood run cold that this is so organized, so based on psychological wounds that are still gaping open, and then are methodically filled with racism, bigotry, and hate.  i burst into tears that he found his way out and is now doing his best to undo his own way of thinking and reaching out to others in order to help them do the same.

i've often thought i was too sensitive for this world, and during these past few months of anxiety-ridden news, filled with pure hatred for others, spurred on by people of privilege and power, it is now completely depressing to me to see and hear what's happening, the threats to peoples' lives and families for looking or thinking differently.  i am so sad, the depression hit me hard today, and i got so angry at everything going on in our country, in our world, and in this house business, i actually pushed our old tv off a chair onto the garage floor as hard as i could, screeched some primal scream that came out on its own.  my d was there, she said it was ok if i did it, and quite honestly, it felt so good to physically exert myself, yell at the top of my lungs, the warrior woman spirit to the fore.

earlier, i watched the end of 'on the waterfront' - marlon brando in a very powerful roll - about doing what's right, standing up to the bullies, standing up for yourself no matter what the threat.  it nearly brought me to my knees in its strength and power, and i cried and cried over the treatment, the hateful vibes being thrown out into the universe because people are doing the right thing.  i don't understand, but i do know i don't belong here.  still, it caused a stirring inside me to keep fighting, and i'm glad i saw it.  excellent timing, but my depression is hitting me hard again.  the pressure is constant, the stress is unrelenting, the anxiety is ever higher, and the want for peace grows stronger every minute. 

i long for my hippie days and flowers in my hair.

San, I wanted to stop by and send you so much love and compassion  :hug: I have read a lot of this journal (although not all of it yet), and all of that is so much to go through. Being sensitive in the world as it is now is painful and beyond words (I get it so much). I don't have other words but sending you all of love I can. Remember the EMS is always there with you as a warm, comforting presence and maybe even a place to hide away in every now and then. :bighug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 30, 2021, 06:57:58 PM
this feels like another battle i'm in, so is extremely triggering, like my entire life has been one battle after another.  we're fighting for this because we want to make sure we've done everything possible to make this dream come true before we throw in the towel and call it quits.  feels like all the relationships i've been in - i've stayed and fought until i was forced out by the continuing abuse, denial, dismissiveness, gaslighting - all those goodies i'd been taught to endure, even if it left me a broken wreck. this is exactly the same.

The situation with your house would be highly stressful to almost anyone. That it hooks into so much pain. . . the weight of that much be so much. Love to you, San.

Thinking of you, san  :hug: :hug:

thank you el, notalone, and bach, for all your caring and kindness    :hug: :hug: :hug:

i'm tired of life, just want it to be over.  all these games these people play have been killing me.

I've just caught up with your journal, San. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It makes me want to wrap you up in a big soft blanket of safety.
:bighug:

Thought of you today san and just want to send a caring  :hug:

San, I care about you too.  :grouphug:

snowdrop, blueberry, and notalone, i can't express how much your caring and support mean.  thank you so very, very much.   :grouphug:

still in limbo, still feel trapped. i talk to my t 2x/wee, and we're just trying to help me stabilize. the man who owns this house is only in it for the money, and i've had too much experience over the years with relationships that are filled with game-playing.  i see this happening now, i'm hopeless about this place in particular, but i continue to get from day to day to support my d.  it's probable to me that we will be moving, and all that comes with it.  this has been such a horrible 6 months since the house went up for sale.

we're still looking at the roof to get finished - my d hasn't been able to sleep in her room for over a month - and then someone has to come in to finish the ceiling. in the meantime, the owner now wants his own inspector to come thru (apparently, ours wasn't good enough), and we're still waiting for an electrician to fix a hazardous electrical situation.

that's an awful lot of 'stills'.  i'm so exhausted.

San, it's good to hear from you. I've been thinking of you. I'm sorry for the many heavy burdens that you are carrying.

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug  :hug:
I hope they've made some progress with the electrical stuff, and that you're safer in your living space. 
I hope you are ok.
Hope  :)

notalone and hope, thank you for the caring hugs.  love and hugs back to you.

2 nites ago my mex. H called - he's in the hospital w/ a broken wrist, will have surgery on it tues. to put pins in it. this has been his worst fear for a long time - he got polio when he was 3, has been on crutches since he was 6, one leg is useless so his shoulders, arms, wrists, and hands are imperative to be usable. i feel so bad for him, it's so depressing to me for him to feel like a cripple for the first time in his life - he was a whiz on crutches, kept up with the rest of the guys he hung with - his only defeat was not being able to play baseball.  now, he's totally depressed, trying to tough it out, but he's gone thru so much and now this.

we put in an offer on the house today, and the stress has been enormous getting to this point.  both my d and i have felt so trapped in this limbo of having our fate in someone else's hands.  it has continually triggered me back to so many different kinds of toxic relationships - marriages, family, friends, where they always had a secret agenda behind their words.  i tried to do some processing w/ emdr today on that trapped feeling, but, even tho i got a clear image of a mime trapped in an invisible box, my mind immediately went to a very dark and scary place, and i had to stop.

these triggers have been unraveling me, constantly reminding me of the continual battles i've fought to have a decent life in a decent relationship, only to have been denied, dismissed, demeaned, manipulated . . . you know the drill.  this morning, i'd gotten to the point that i just wanted out of this place and away from these people - the owner and the property mgt. company that pulls the strings for him. i felt hate for all of it.  later, we sent the offer, the corporate woman we've been working with was very impressed w/ how my d had written up the offer, how much research she'd done, the presentation and wording of it.  now, it's totally out of our hands.  we have very little financial wiggle room cuz we'll have to use some of the loan for repairs.

argh, my eyes hurt, my  mind doesn't function very well lately, i've felt miserable more often than not, both physically and emotionally.  too many years of trauma heaped on top of each other and i've barely got room to breathe anymore.  confusion has come back more often than not, and my brain can't process thoughts, words are lost, i can't make connections very easily.  hopefully, this will be done and over with soon.  this morning w/ my t, i knew i'd reached my limit for bearing any more trauma that's come with this house and its owner.  and my H on top of it -

I thought of you just today san. I just skim-read your post, sry. But here's  :hug: :hug:

no need for the apology, blueberry - more things just keep piling on and it' a lot to unpack.  i appreciate your support, tho, very much.  thanks  love and hugs to you.

i'm mostly writing here to vent, to get it out  of me.  there's too much to deal with, too many triggers, and i don't want anyone to feel obligated to read any of this if it's too much.  it's not like i can ask for anything, except hugs.  those are always good.  i just give thanks every morning for getting another day, and thanks at nite for helping me make it thru.  that's all i got.

I always have hugs for you, San.  :grouphug:    :bighug:

and i always love getting them from you, notalone.  thanks so much and back to you :hug:

today is the first possible day we'll hear about our offer on the house.  so, waiting, waiting, waiting . . .

one thing i'm so jazzed about, tho, is that my d got at least part of a long-standing dream - she put an offer on a house by the time she was 40.  i have the heart of a mother beating strongly at all times, and this has warmed it considerably.  i'm really very happy for her.  even if we don't get it, i'm happy that she at least knows she put every effort into it, didn't quit when it all seemed impossible, and people were telling her to basically move on, something better is out there, maybe you're not meant to have it - a lot of it sounded like what we c-ptsd'ers hear from people who don't understand why we can't just let our trauma go.

my mex. H will be getting surgery on his wrist tomorrow.  we had a good chat yesterday. he was feeling down, guilty, i think, because people are helping him out financially (he probably won't be up and around for about 4 months - it's the wrist he depends on the most in getting up from sitting so his crutch will support him till he gets both feet under him).  he told me that when others have been down, he maybe said a nice word or two to them, but didn't live w/ them, see how they were doing day to day.

i listened, then reminded him of how long i'd been sick while i lived with him, how he'd make sure i had enough food for the day, took off work to take me to specialists 125 mi. away, even did the grocery shopping, which is not something a mexican man does - he laughed at that and agreed.  i told him he was just getting some of that back now when he needs it.  and i asked him if he remembered what he'd asked for when he went into addiction recovery - tolerance and responsibility. he suddenly got really quiet, then said - and god sent you to me. he waited a beat, then told me 'i'm smiling now. thank you.'

so, i feel better knowing he's in a better place.  my 2 most important people are doing ok at the moment with some very difficult situations.  and that helps me do better.

i'm going to leave on an upper note for a change.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:
:bighug: :bighug:
:grouphug:

i got a phone call right after i moved to this page, i've been staring at those hugs from you, snowdrop, for 45 min. and they got better and better each minute that went by.  thank you so much - they warmed my heart.  love and hugs  :grouphug:

Each one comes from the heart, San. They're filled with love, support, and care.

believe it or not, i can feel all the warmth within them.  thank you so, snowdrop.  i just welled up with tears, but in a good way.  i feel blanketed and held safe.  love and hugs to you, too :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 08, 2021, 05:08:23 PM
he suddenly got really quiet, then said - and god sent you to me. he waited a beat, then told me 'i'm smiling now. thank you.'

so, i feel better knowing he's in a better place.  my 2 most important people are doing ok at the moment with some very difficult situations.  and that helps me do better.

Heartwarming.  :grouphug:

whew!  i think i'm better, at least for the moment.  this has been a horrendous 8 mos. of stress due to the house issues, etc. 

i don't even remember where i was writing about being stressed and overwhelmed, but i want to thank everyone again for the support, care, and kindness you've shown me.   :grouphug:

i don't have much of a mind left due to all that's gone on, but hopefully that will settle itself out as time passes.

i think what's helped me get out of that terrible stress funk was the idea that we've now decided we'll be moving to an apartment, and have put the thought of buying a house on some back burner.  we are living out our lease here until the end of june, and are in the process of finding a place most likely in another town.  that's still a bit stressful, not to know where i'm going to be living in 2 mos., but i guess i have to have faith it'll work out all right.

a new fear came up for therapy - the last time i did emdr processing, my legs went wonky on me for a day and a half, and now i'm afraid to do more processing.  we will be targeting that when i speak to my t on tues.  the last time i did processing was about a month ago - this entire time since then has just been to keep me stable.  my t is very good at that, completely supportive, kind, and caring.  she's been a godsend.

right now i don't want to go into anything specific about the triggers i've been facing because it just stirs everything up, and for a while i just want to enjoy this bit of peace and calm i'm experiencing. 

thank you all again for helping me thru this long period of crisis.  even tho i couldn't muster up the energy to get here very often, when i did and saw the support, it immediately warmed my heart and lifted my spirit.  can't put a price on that.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 02, 2021, 03:50:25 PM

for a while i just want to enjoy this bit of peace and calm i'm experiencing. 

:thumbup: :hug: :hug: :cloud9: :zzz: :sunny:

San, I'm so glad you are experiencing some moments of peace.  :grouphug:

Hi...

I'm really proud of you for carving out some space and time to stay in that feeling of peace and calm. It is very very smart to take a break from processing when it becomes too much. There's so much wisdom in what you are doing.  :cheer:

thanks, blueberry, for the kind thoughts.  i did do a lot of resting yesterday, but also had time for a walk and to start writing on my newest book as well.  it all felt good. :hug:

thanks, notalone.  it felt a little odd, to tell the truth.  but, i enjoyed it nonetheless. :hug:

thanks, armadillo.  it really was nice to have a little of that good feeling, if only for a while.  and thanks for the comment about being wise in what i'm doing.  honestly, being on this forum has really supported my choices, and taught me a lot about continuing self-care, even when it feels uncomfortable.  because of the people here, i'm feeling more and more comfortable with it. :hug:

well, as much as i enjoyed most of yesterday, i also was finally hit with the sadness of leaving this place.  i've been hard inside, as if i was trying to pretend? compartmentalize? ignore? or just plain couldn't quite put my finger on it in a feeling/emotional way.  i'm quite sure it's been under there somewhere for quite a while, but i couldn't bring it to my consciousness (that's the alexithymia) and really feel it.

i boxed up some dry food we won't use before we're gone, felt strong while doing it (it's one more thing and it's got to be done so i'm just going to do it - that's been my attitude for most of my life) but later, after my d went to bed, the enormity of it hit me.  i loved this house, loved the location, loved the neighbors, loved the weather - it's all so green and woodsy and tons of flowers blooming right now and i'm going to miss that terribly.  living on the coast is an experience by itself, so even the idea of moving inland feels like crapola.

there's nothing to be done about it but do it.  but right now i am so sad.  i suspect there's anger raging somewhere underneath, but i haven't gotten that far yet.  and, of course, the triggers.  relationships with cowards, cheaters, liars have all led me to here, where i am once again having to do the hard work because they refused and left me to fend for myself.  thank god i've got my d with me - she is so much the opposite of people i've had in my life, and i do know that i'm not on my own in this.  still, at my age i'm getting sick of all this heavy lifting!

so, hopefully i can begin processing again w/ my t tomorrow to put some of these triggers to rest - i'm also extremely tired of waking up in the morning, lying in bed while getting ready to face the day when thoughts of and feelings toward my ex come barging in, ruining a perfectly lovely time of peace and contentment.  dang, he will not go away.  and these feelings of hate have crept back in, which i'm really displeased with cuz i don't like feeling like that, but there it is.  i've done work on this already, but in times of stress, those thoughts return so easily and quickly.  they're driving me nuts!

  :hug: as you feel grief about leaving your house.  :'(

Ditto'ing notalone's hug.
:hug:

It sounds exceptionally heartbreaking to move from your beautiful coast to inland. I'll hold some hope in my  heart that you find some peace and beauty there, and that every year your ex gets farther and farther away from having any grip on your emotions or happiness.

thanks for the hug, notalone.  i can feel it and it feels warm and comforting. :hug:

armadillo, i so appreciate your thoughts and caring.  thank you.  it really is a grip, with scaly skin and long, sharp talons.  just the idea that i can picture that may be a target for emdr processing tomorrow.  thanks for the image.   :hug:

good session yesterday w/ my t.  thru all the stress i've noticed more intrusive thoughts and me having a harder time pushing them away.  especially about my ex.  then, armadillo wrote about the 'grip' he has on me, and i immediately got an image of a huge claw with horrifcally large, strong talons having a hold of my mind.  as i kept that image, i realized that each of those talons are filled with the poison of all the traumatic incidents i endured w/ him in 20+ years.  then it came to me that each time i see/hear/experience a trigger, one of those talons is digging into my mind and making it bleed.  how could i possibly overcome everything (and this is just with him) when the triggers are re-wounding me?  how could my mind ever heal when fresh wound are being added almost daily?

i spoke to my t about it, she asked what was the neg. thing i thought about myself in this situation, immediately i said i felt weak, like i should be strong enough to get over this.  we processed this w/ eye movements, and a new thought came to mind - i am one of the strongest people i know, but there is simply so very many examples of traumatization just with him, i couldn't possibly just 'get over it' or 'put it behind me'.  it was a revelation because i've been the fixer, the doer, the strength for others as well as myself, taking care of whatever life threw at me, and this gave me permission not to expect the impossible from me (even tho everyone else did all my life).

what also happened was that a collection of small mosaic-like pieces, kind of what's found in a kaliedoscope had settle in the back of my head, and a snood had collected them, were holding them at the level of my hairline.  this explained to me even more why it was impossible - there are so many pieces to his abuse, at least daily for all that time, trying to bring me down, bring me to my knees, that my mind suddenly refused to hold onto them anymore.  yet, they're still there, hanging together.  my eyes have been opened.  no wonder.

so, next session we're going to begin loosening the grip of a talon at a time.  i pictured 5, but there may be more.  we have to take this slowly cuz otherwise i'm sure i'd dissociate right out of the room!  still, it was a good realization, and i'm glad to look forward to at least beginning to detach some of this crapola.  no wonder i was able to survive - if i'd have known, felt all that pain, i'd never be able to survive it.  now i'll be able to feel a little at a time. and maybe this way i'll be able to manage it.  hope so.

That's a powerful image, San! It would take an enormous amount of strength and time to loosen 20 years of what you experienced. I wish you could just get the whole dang bird out in one shot like a video game monster, but I bet you'll learn a lot taking it one talon at a time. You have so much wisdom and strength to get through the other side one step at a time.

And can I say as someone who can't visualize...reading your description of this imagery...maybe that's a good thing! But it seems to have some healing potential too.

hey, armadillo,

the visualizations, for me, go a long way to realize the reality of something i can't necessarily describe and puts what i've gone through into a more tangible perspective.  the talon thing helped me know just how very much my ex messed with my mind (my t mentioned it had a lot of brainwashing qualities to it) in very subtle ways, but ways that got into me and stuck like no other experiences i've had have done to me.  it has caused me hate and disgust for him, something i've never really felt before towards anyone who's harmed me.  so, they paint a picture of something that i'm unable to put into words or even get a hold of consciously.  i'm very thankful for them because they do give my t a picture of a situation or experience, the subtle brutality of it, and how it's affected my mind and psyche.   :hug:

as my t said, it also helps me understand the reality of what went on, something i've downplayed for many, many years.  now that i know i haven't made up how horrible it was, i can tackle it with more clarity which chases the confusion away.  i know now it was real, not just something i made up or made more of than what it was.  that was a relief to know.

my session yesterday was to begin tackling the talons that continue to wound me.



TW ***** sexual references (nothing graphic) ******

my session yesterday w/ my t was aimed at starting with one talon, tackling it, and processing it to the point that i could remove it from my mind.  well, i decided that the whole sex thing was the biggest, most disturbing of the talons.  sexualizing every female, including our daughters, being sexually provocative while dancing w/ me, especially if people were watching and enjoying his antics (i felt uncomfortable the whole time, would turn around on the dance floor so i couldn't see the gestures he was making or the look on his face), his sex addiction and all the lies, deceit, and denial, and how that even tied into our finances and kept us poorer than need be.


***** end TW  *******

what happened as i began going thru all the areas of our life and our family life together is that it became plain to my t how so much of anything and everything in my relationship with him was interconnected.  i'd told her that on several occasions, but i don't think she actually was able to realize what it truly meant.  she's got the picture now, and agreed that these talons go deeper than either of us realized.  not only was this subject affecting  his and my and our lives as a couple, but as parents, and even in therapy (we had a woman t who was a misogynist and treated him differently, more caring for his rights than for mine).

so, i was able to do only one set of eye movements, and had to stop that a little short because it was taking over my mind again.  we'll pick it up again next tues., but at least she knows now what i was talking about with the idea that there were so many moments of torture from him that triggers are most everywhere i look.  a word, gesture, phrase, object, color - literally thousands of triggers no matter where i go, what i'm doing, what i see or hear. 

one of the hardest parts of this is that my D2  (the one i live with) maintains a relationship with him, so does bring him up every so often.  it breaks my heart that he is probably doing the same thing to her thru lies, deceit, etc. and she doesn't/can't see it.  i can't say anything, either, cuz we have kind of an agreement not to put her in the middle, which i totally respect.  but, sometimes when she talks about something he's said or done, my alarm bells ring full blast.  i did tell her i don't believe a word he says (the latest was that he's going to talk to his t - at one time he bragged to me about what a GREAT liar he is, so much so that she had him as a client for over a year and didn't want to believe it when D1 said he was a misogynist, saying she would have known if he was one after all their time together - talk to his t about how to sever the connection with D1 because he couldn't do it by himself.

he and D1 have had their own dance together for years.  she gives him his narc supply and he gets to rant about women, or drive like a maniac w/ his road rage, then feel guilty and buy her something or send her on a trip, so as not to lose her from his life.  all these different areas are rife with triggers for me, everywhere i turn.  it's an uphill battle, and tackling it is super stressful for me - the last 2 times we approached it, i got stress flu that night - but his demons are running and ruining my mind, and i just don't want him living there anymore, but can't oust him w/o help.

ok, i'll stop now.  there is so much to this.  too much.

It sounds like you could use a big  :hug:

There's so much to work on to untangle all those tangles from your ex. So much interwoven. What you describe of how he treated your body and sexuality sounds so painful and disrespectful and it breaks my heart for you. I'm so happy you are away from him and just hope your D2 is strong enough to set her boundaries in time with him. You've set a good example.

thank you, armadillo, for such kind words and support :hug:

yesterday's session was also rough.  trying to untangle the layers just about this one topic with my ex has been challenging and painful.  one realization was all the humiliation i endured w/ him.  that word had never crossed my mind before, but once it came out, i knew it to be so very true.  just ugly stuff that i didn't feel, know, or realize at the time.  i told my t it is a miracle i made it out of there, and she said 'so very true.' 

she's been keeping the leftovers from these sessions in a box for me.  that's really helped me not to dwell on this stuff when it comes to mind.  i can picture the box and tell the intrusive thoughts that that's where they belong, and it's been a bit easier to push them away because of that.

so, i am truly digging thru the muck before i can dig out of it.  it's just so ugly and gross, disturbing and disgusting.

ok, i'll leave it there for now.  too upsetting.

Dear SanMagic,
Sending you a hug of support  :hug: 
Hope  :)

It takes so much courage and strength to really dig into this painful disturbing stuff in order to get past it. That's really cool that you found away to leave most of the icky feelings in a  box at your therapist's office.

I'm curious...what's your main motivation to be willing to go through this, that allows you to keep going instead of avoiding it?

hope,

your supportive hug is so appreciated.  thank you so much.  and back atcha! :hug:

armadillo,

about a year and a half ago i hit a crisis point emotionally.  by nov., 2019, i could no longer cope with the intrusive thoughts of these people who have hurt me, the hatred i felt ( i'd never hated anyone in my life) toward my ex, the endless conversations i had in my mind to and about him, the myriad triggers i couldn't avoid that were driving me insane - everything became centered around layers and layers of trauma that i hadn't recognized or acknowledged before.

i've been seeing my t 2x/week since then just to stay stable.  i was going off the deep end and i needed help, needed to find a way through everything so i could find a bit of peace.  i think this all exploded at once because i'd moved in with my D2, and she's been so kind, patient, and accepting of me, i was finally able to let my guard down.  of course, that let in all the bad stuff i'd been holding at bay for so long.  honestly, i'd come to a point where i was being haunted, overwhelmed, and taken over by the negativity.  i couldn't sleep, couldn't turn around without being overcome by sobs at some trigger or another (there are millions - i couldn't turn around without another one slamming me in the face.

so, if i don't get to the bottom of this, if i don't continue to dig into the pain which i hadn't felt in the past, if i don't recognize how much hurt had been done to me, i will go insane.  that is like death to me, and i can't afford that.  thank heaven my t lets me steer this ship - we stop processing if i get overwhelmed, and we find very small pieces to process at a time.  altho progress might seem slow at times (and sometimes daily life is too overwhelming to me to do any processing at all) i believe it's worth the pain. 

from what i understand about trauma, c-ptsd, neural networks, mind/body connection, i have had survival mechanisms up since very young, such as dissociation, and floatiness.  my lack of feelings, inability to recognize emotions, and very little sense of myself/personal boundaries have led me to this point.  i never felt the pain before, never realized how hurt i was, never lived with neg. emotions like shame , didn't feel fear, joy, happiness, anger - there was so much missing from my life that makes up being human.  so now it's all come tumbling and crumbling and i'm feeling much of this stuff for the first time ever. 

i've been in a chrysalis all my life, and it's painful to break thru.  if i don't go thru this pain, i can never be me.  my anxiety paralyzes me at times, my legs go wonky and won't work (sometimes for a few days, sometimes for a week) when i work on something extremely difficult to face or realize, my body has held all the pain i couldn't acknowledge so i'm in constant physical pain and i'm hoping that as i continue pushing thru this, feeling it, expressing it like a baby does, with no concern for what's so-called 'right or wrong', that i'll eventually rid myself of enough pain so i can feel happy.  to me, it's worth it.  i've felt happy maybe 1 or 2 times in my entire life, where i actually felt the feeling of happiness (and it's such a wonderful feeling, i'd love to feel it more often), or have actually felt the feeling of love or being loved.  i want more.

i hope that makes sense.  thanks for the question.  it felt good to be asked.   :hug:

 :hug:

:hug:

:hug:

That's so much.

armadillo, those hugs and your words hit the spot.  thanks for the comfort and validation. :hug:

i made a breakthrough today about feeling like a fool for letting stuff keep going the way it did w/ my ex, and blaming myself for not doing something different to end what was going on.  what i came up with was akin to the chrysalis image i mentioned in my last post - that the chrysalis i've been struggling to get out of is made up of all the traumas in my life.  no wonder it's so painful to attempt to get out of it.   :aaauuugh:

working in tangent with that image today, i was able to admit all the shoulds wrapped around me - i should've done something different, should've called him out on stuff, should've been able to say something to stop what was going on, etc.  lots of self-blame i hadn't realized was there.  as i was processing this, the realization hit me that i CAN'T blame myself because if i did it would crush me to know that.   i felt like it would drive me to insanity.

this led to looking at the situation we were working on and  i eventually understood that, as i've mentioned before, i was unformed and unaware of what i could and couldn't do, of my boundaries, and of my self as a person.  not shaming or blaming myself was part of a survival strategy to get thru life.  so, when it came to today, i began crying uncontrollably, thinking of all i should have done differently.  as one thought after another went thru my mind. i finally saw that i was incapable of doing something different than i'd done.  i truly didn't have the knowledge, awareness, or access too my emotions that would have allowed me to do something different.  i was trapped by past trauma, wrapped up in it so tightly the me i have come to know (who would and has done things differently) was suffocated, and had no true voice with which to speak.

it was a huge realization, but it felt real and solid, and i finally was able to say with heartfelt reality that i'm not to blame, that i don't blame myself just like i don't blame others here who are struggling with the blame game.  the trauma was not my fault; therefore, i won't blame myself.  and, i don't feel like i have to hold blame to anyone else, not in a nasty way, but i can hold people accountable for their actions and words.  and, let that go.  finally.  at the end of the session, i saw the image of a newborn foal on her wobbly legs (that's how my legs felt) struggling to stand, make a new life, ready to grow into the beautiful horse she is to become. 

as i sat looking at the trees afterwards, i smiled, and i could feel the smile inside me, which is something new.  this is what putting myself thru this pain is all about.  a new life.

It IS about a new life, isn't it? And that fits so beautifully with your chrysalis imagery. I am going to need to live vicariously through your imagery abilities!

It sounds like you got a really huge break through today where you very much feel and believe the truth that you are not to blame, that you could not have stopped what happened, and that you are not the one who did something wrong here. Those powerful realizations can be life changing.

hey, armadillo, you're welcome to any imagery you find helpful.  and, yes, it feels like a new life.  getting rid of feelings that belong elsewhere, or to others is not only freeing but, for me, also grounding.  i've been floaty too often in my life, so this groundedness feels a bit awkward, a little heavy, but not so heavy that i can't bring it along.   :hug:

almost a little fearful of looking at this new realization too closely, like it will somehow not be there if i look too closely, but i can feel it next to me.  it's like a big box, maybe a safe, that is chained to me so i can keep it with me, drag it along as i move forward.  hmm, i didn't think of a safe before, but it might make sense if i delve into it a bit.  i don't think it's something to keep neg. feelings i've been carrying around for too long - i doesn't feel like it's dragging me down or too heavy to life.  it's made of cardboard.  oooh, i just looked into it and, light as feathers, it is holding more pos. realizations for me, more pos. emotions/feelings, more happiness that i will be able to experience. 

the chain feels heaviest.  don't know quite why yet.  but the good stuff from my session is staying with me.  that's something i can celebrate. :cheer:  i'm still a bit wobbly, still a foal, but i can feel the itch to grow getting stronger.  little by little.

That's awesome to be to keep so much good and light stuff with you!

Hi SanMagic,
That image of you as a foal, and stepping out tentatively - I wish you strength to take those steps.  But remember, that if you falter or fall, then we're here alongside you, and between us all, we're strong.  You are strong.

:grouphug:
Hope  :)

thanks, armadillo, i value your support. :hug:

hope, thanks for being there for me.  i appreciate you so much :hug:

as we get farther into packing, so many emotions are coming up, not only related to the actual leaving of this place we loved so much, but triggers of all the other homes i had to leave because of abuse and the destruction of trust in my marriages.  it's hard enough to do this without long ago feelings and images, memories, and thoughts popping in to drain my brain even more.  aaaah, trauma - never a dull moment!

since we haven't yet seen the place where we're moving, it's like taking a giant step into total darkness.  the pictures on the website look good, but it's difficult to get the feel of the neighborhood and the community thru images.  i go from excitement to anxiety in a matter of minutes sometimes while thinking about what we're doing.  it continues to exhaust both of us.  we can barely put one foot in front of the other, yet we have to keep pushing ourselves to do just that.

i was able to put to rest today a gross image of dancing w/ my ex. when i began processing it, it was too humiliating to look at the image of it in my mind, too fugly.   i did some eye movements on it this morning cuz i was so sick of being bothered by it over and over, for more than 20 years now, and with a few sets i was able to diminish it to a black speck, then the words - this is no longer in your life, it's done, over - went thru my mind, and finally, i was able to see the dance floor but the space where we'd been dancing was filled in by others and i wasn't part of that scene at all anymore.  that felt good to stop carrying it around.  i believe there are some emotions hanging around, but at least the image is gone. i can work on the emotions later.  at least it's a step.

i'm thinking it will be a good 2 months before we're actually settled in our new place.  it seems like a very long time . . .

 :hug: :hug: :hug: for everything going on atm! I'm glad you do have a new place to move to but I can understand your anxiety about not knowing really what it's like. A picture cannot convey everything.
Trying to send you some energy so you have some for the packing and everything else you need to do before the move.

 :cheer:

Horray for putting that very upsetting image to rest!!!!!  :cheer: excellent work...it must have been very difficult to work it through to that point.  :hug:

Moving will be stressful. There's just no denying that! But I'll hold a ton of hope in me that your new place feels like home, enough, that you can settle in and feel at peace.

blueberry,

you gave me exactly what i need for today - energy for packing!  that's a big focus today.  i have a lot of anxiety around not being done in time (altho we have 3 weeks!) or doing it wrong or something i'm not sure about.  i don't know - it seems overwhelming to me to think about it.  i've never employed prof. movers before and they want things a certain way before they'll move them.  *sigh*  i've already had to redo some things i packed.  that doesn't help.  but, thank you so much.  honestly, your words couldn't have come at a better time!   :hug:

armadillo,

you know, it really did take a long time.  that image, the feeling surrounding it, and the thoughts attached to it have been with me since it happened, more than 20 years ago!  thank you so much for the support and cheers - it really did feel like something to celebrate!   :cheer:  and thanks for the kindness - i'm am truly looking forward to the hope that this will finally be a place for peace.  we shall see. :hug:

still at sixes and sevens today.  all my energy is wrapped up in packing.  we've got loads of boxes, but a lot of them don't have tops, and i'm concerned the movers won't accept them, even tho they told my d that they could shrink wrap some of them.  i'm out of my element with this.  i've probably moved 70 times in my life (give or take) and it's always been with the help of friends, not professionals.  i mean, most moves were paid for by pizza and beer!  my anxiety is rising even as i speak of it. 

the main problem with doing it 'wrong' is that we'll be living on the third floor, and anything they won't move means i'll have to be hauling stuff up 3 flights of stairs.  i've already found myself tripping or bumping into something, as if i'm not quite sure of the space i'm in.  i don't doubt it's due to stress, but this is something a bit new and it scares me to think i could lose my footing and fall.  it would be broken bones, and i can't afford anything like that.

so, the fears ramp up as the times comes closer.  i'm not sure what these feelings are that are so worrisome.  inadequacy?  afraid of making a mistake?  somehow i'll be punished if i do it wrong?  wow - that just led me down a childhood rabbit hole.  something for tomorrow's therapy, maybe.

Dear SanMagic,
I hope you will stay safe with the moving, and that you'll be helped by the removal people - they should help you.  Maybe ask them for more help, if they don't seem to be doing things ok?  Afterall, you've employed them this time, so they should help you.  It's ok to tell them you are worried about potentially falling, that you need their help and support.

I don't think they should leave you with things that you need to move by yourself.  I hope that doesn't happen.

Good luck with it all, SanMagic, and hope it goes well.  Thinking of you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Whew! It sure sounds like there are a lot of emotional triggers and physical fears wrapped up in this moving process, which would be stressful regardless of triggers!

I know you are putting a lot of thought into this, that you will do it as right as you can, and any issues that arise the day of the move will get dealt with. So take good care of yourself in this stressful process.  :hug:

hope, thanks for the advice regarding making sure i get the help i need with the movers.  you are so right - i'm paying them, i deserve to get my money's worth.  your caring thoughts are so appreciated.  :hug:

armadillo, right again. triggers on top of the hassle of moving make it all the more stressful.  thank god i've got such a good t - she told me yesterday that if i wanted to stop emdr processing until after the move, she was fine with that.  we could just talk if that's more helpful.  i appreciated her giving me that option.  thank you for caring. :hug:

feeling so much better today after my session.  a little (!!!) help w/ my D1 was all i ever looked for in that marriage, but he really wanted nothing to do with our household, the day-to-day goings on of our kids, or any of my problems.  i figured out on tues. that all the responsibility for my children's well-being had been dumped on me when there were 3 other adults who were responsible for their safety and well-being.  those included my ex, our therapist, and D1'a birth father.  yet, i got all the flack, all the hard times, all the negative vibes put on my shoulders.  my ex simply stayed apart from it all, our therapist blamed me for his addiction and never followed up when i reported to her that he'd lusted after D1, and her bio father simply gave up any responsibility for her at all.

so, i've been able to walk twice today, did a few gentle exercises, and pack a little more.  my energy feels much better.  it was like my t rescued me from something that was too big for me to handle by myself, something i'd carried for 40 years no matter who i'd gone to see or ask for help from.  it's amazing that i didn't even know how big this was, how interconnected all these people have been in my trauma, and how much i was just looking for someone to give me a hand instead of piling more of a burden upon me.  whew!!!

this has opened my eyes to much more of the extent of which i've been traumatized, the enormity of the load i've been carrying, and the lack of help with any of it i've received.  except for this forum,. which has been a virtual lifeline - in a real sense - at times, i didn't consciously understand the extent of my wounding.  today, tho, i feel hopeful for the future for the first time in forever.  armadillo, you asked why i continue to put myself thru the pain of all this - today is a reason why, this feeling, this clarity, this ability to know someone has my back in the truest sense.  i am grateful to all of you who care.

 :hug:

thanks for the hug, armadillo, and back atcha! :hug:

my t and i tried a different emdr technique called the flash technique on friday.  i told her about the dark place i had gone to, how overwhelmed i'd become by all of everything that came up like a tsunami and threatened to wash me away in a real sense.  i'd told her that i've heard of the technique (she hadn't) and she read up on it, and we worked with it yesterday.  it's designed to allow the client to know about their trauma, but it bypasses the reliving of it, helps the brain process a great amount of trauma without the pain.  honestly, i give her a lot of credit for looking this up and being willing to try it with me.  she was so pleased with the results (she said several times she didn't want to hurt me, but my traumas are so interconnected amongst several people - not including my bio family - that dealing with one brought the rest of the bricks down on top of me   :fallingbricks:  and i couldn't manage this anymore.

i can't even put into words what's happened with my brain/mind (i suspect both are involved because of the intensity i've been experiencing) since yesterday.  it's like a ball of cotton filled with memories, emotions, and the aftermath of trauma (such as intrusive thoughts, terrible feelings, confusion, even some anxiety) has been lifted out of my mind and tossed away.  i feel more clarity, have more energy, haven't experienced neg. somatic issues, and feel more at peace.  it truly does feel like a miracle to me.

time will tell if this has staying power, but for today, i'm doing pretty good, better than i have felt in nearly 2 years.  this week in therapy has been a game changer.  i'm lovin' it!   :thumbup:

 :applause: :cheer:

I'm so glad things feel lighter and that you suggested that technique with your T!

thanks, armadillo.  so am i!!!   :hug:

4 days in after using the flash technique, and i'm still feeling pretty good, energized, and the pieces that were troubling continue to be mostly MIA, which is fine with me.  it was wonderful to process something as emotionally charged as my D1 stuff and not have my legs go wonky, or not be stressfully exhausted.  what a difference to feel tired only because it's the end of the day, not because i've been stressed to the max with battling those images, neg. feelings, and terrible triggers.

not that they're all gone, no, not by a long shot.  however, a few pieces feel pretty much taken care of.  i do want to revisit them to make sure they stay dead.  i'm tired of the zombie apocolypse i've been running, dodging, and hiding from for so long!  my mind had hit the brink and it was very frightening.  i don't feel anywhere near the brink right now, for which i'm truly thankful.  hope is still on the horizon.

ok, that's about all i can manage right now. 

 :applause:

Awesome. So very awesome.

another round of flash technique this morning.  i was hit with a huge trigger last nite, on a different issue, and was able to process thru it.  the stuff from last week is still holding, too, so i'm glad of that.

last nite we watched an episode that dealt with mother/daughter issues, and i discovered how much my D1 constantly did things to hurt me, even when i came up from mexico to stay with her while she went thru a schizophrenia cure.  i'd kiss her goodnite on the forehead when she went to bed, and every time she'd swipe the kiss away.  when i mentioned it after this happened several times, she quickly said, 'oh, i'm putting these kisses in my pocket to save.'  so very clever, and altho it sounded nice, the gesture of that swipe stung my heart every time, and i knew she was trying to get away with something nasty under my nose. 

what i came to realize today was that, altho this woman is my blood, these kinds of behaviors she'd been exhibiting towards me since she was 4 were indications that she has not been the daughter i raised and taught about love and caring, kindness and understanding.  i felt like i truly no longer have a daughter, that she died about 40 years ago.  the woman living now with the name i gave her is someone whose abuse i tolerated because i was afraid i'd lose her.  altho i've said to myself i'd already lost her long ago (which was why i was able to go NC 6 yrs. ago), today i was feeling the enormity of the pain of that loss, something i'd been scared of feeling, and probably why neg. thoughts concerning her kept creeping into my mind no matter what i've done to expel them.

right this minute, i can't really consciously conjure up those feelings after processing thru it today.  i was so afraid of feeling the pain cuz i knew it would overwhelm me.  it was also interesting to note that it seems like, after processing last fri., and feeling so much toxicity leave my brain, that it seems like as one giant piece of gunk was removed, it made space for another piece to rise to the surface.  i'm feeling some inner peace, and even a little more hope, that these traumas will be taken care of and put to rest.  it's a good feeling, solid, but solemn.  to put her to rest today, well, it's like i grieved the darling little girl i once had who did not grow up to be the darling woman i'd believed she would become.

the silence inside my mind is new.  the funeral procession is something i didn't know i could accomplish.  this is a strange place for me to reside in right now, and i'll have to get used to it, but it is much better than me screaming at my brain to stop torturing me every day.

This sounds extremely painful, San. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the relief and processing of all these pieces comes at the right time and pace and I wish you had the opportunity for a  better parent/child relationship. It's really heartbreaking when that isn't a possibility and you can't fix it.

I can really feel your grief here.

thanks for the caring support, armadillo.  so appreciated.

the pieces, so far, are still at rest, the pace feels okay, i haven't had that overwhelmed feeling in more than a week.  i hope the peace i'm feeling inside continues.

when i reflect back on the past nearly 2 years, i can't believe i made it through.  this period of respite, even tho short, is something i couldn't picture while i was in the midst of everything going on.  didn't believe it was possible, especially since i've had more than 70 yrs. of trauma to unpack and wade thru.  i hate to admit it but i've sometimes envied younger members of this forum for being able to tackle their issues earlier in their lives.  at the same time i was so very very glad they could. 

this morning while walking i flashed on several instances in my life where i was completely oblivious to value and worth of the time and energy people put into making gifts for others.  i'm sure it was part of the alexithymia, which is frustrating to know the intangibles i've been laboring under during my life.  anyway, i remembered a time when a girlfriend showed me a quilt her grandmother made for her.  my response? 'it's kind of ugly'.  my grandmother crocheted a bedcover for me, absolutely beautiful, and since i didn't see the love behind it, i stashed it up in the attic where it was eaten by mice.

the lack of compassion i've toted around kind of haunts me now.  things would've been so different.  i was like this with friends who were going thru rough times, and lost a very good friend because of it.  it's difficult sometimes to realize i didn't have the capacity to value certain things or other people's emotions, and i've sometimes gone into a 'what if?' spiral.  i believe now it was part of my survival mechanism, where all i did was focus on myself and let others deal with their problems.  well, yeah - that came directly from an incident w/ my parents.  they showed me no compassion, so i showed it to no one else. 

it's like, i was left in the wind to deal with my fears and pain myself, so i left others alone to do the same.  ugh.  this is a dark place i've just gone to.  possibly a piece to target next time in therapy.  i know i hurt people along the way, and that hurts my heart.

San, I appreciate you sharing your reflection.  These are questions and thoughts and wonderings I have too.  I find it difficult to accept we are on the timeline we are on and often wonder if I could have started healing sooner.  I'm not sure why things take the time they take.  I am trying to appreciate where I am now and go from there.  But I fall short a lot.  I am thinking of you as you navigate your journey. 

It's a heavy post, San Magic, and some heavy stuff to be working through. The solution will always be kindness to ourselves once we are safe and then from there we can be there for others. I don't know your story but it sure sounds like you were not safe enough to be able to do more than you did any sooner than you have. Here, you are giving back to others showing us how to heal. I have no doubt you are doing that in your personal life too, for those it is safe to do so with. It may be that some relationships could have been better but none of us can go backwards in time.

I'm glad you said what you did about feeling envious of younger members getting to a place to heal at a younger age. Because I keep getting mad at myself for not seeing things before I was 40 and fixing them sooner. What I really wish is that kids and teens didnt get lost in their trauma that people who should be paying attention help them get help so they can be free as soon as possible.

rainy, thanks for your insights and caring.  much appreciated.   :hug:

armadillo. i think you hit the nail on the head here, speaking about the heaviness of issues i'm presently dealing with.  all day today i've felt uneasy, unsettled, and i think it's because of the weightiness of what i'm working thru.  and thank you so much for your kind words.  i'm sure i wasn't safe enough before to be any different than what i was - how can we do something we don't know, right?  i can only go on from today being the person i'm learning i truly am.   :hug:

i've decided to talk to my t tomorrow about how i felt today, like maybe i need to take a break from processing.  more and more pieces are popping up, and i don't know if i've had a chance to become fully at rest with what i've been working on lately.  dang, tho, when this happens, it feels like going backwards - again!  but, i'm remembering that we are in the middle of packing, of making the most distressing move i've had to make besides running away from the insanity and going to mexico 20 years ago.  yeah, i guess this is a big deal and that maybe a break from hard therapy should be put on hold for a bit.  we get the keys to our new place next tues., so everything is coming to a head.

we haven't even seen the place, either.  i hope it's like i picture it, clean and airy and quiet.  that would feel so nice . . .my D and are were talking about all the moves we've made.  she's made quite a few, but then i told her about my number, and i don't think she could quite wrap her head around it.  in a 10-yr. period i moved among 3 different states, back and forth, and too many cities to remember, but i recall, during that time i moved 38 times.  and there's about 15 more moves, incl. to mexico and another state since.  i think i may be numb to it.  i've had the rug pulled out from under me too many times.  i just want someplace to settle and live out my life.  just in the past 5 years, i moved from mex. to my D's place for a few weeks, than a year renting a room in someone's house, then this house, and now an apt.  i'm very tired. 

San, I am thinking of you during this time.  I've made a number of moves in my life and your reflections about moving resonate with me.  Best wishes as this all comes together.

Moving is daunting even when it is a positive joyful move that you really want to make. This one has a lot tied up in it and of course it's hard and overwhelming and scary and so so uncertain. I think it makes a lot of sense to go slow on processing things for a little bit to focus on moving and settling in. And yet I also totally understand the impulse to power through it all (the trauma processing) to get to the other side of it faster, especially since you are feeling like you already waited too long to heal.

There's nothing wrong with taking it slow for a week or two and seeing if that feels better or worse to you. 

:hug:

I hope your new home is bright and airy and cheery and home-y.

thanks, rainy, for the validation and support.  much appreciated. :hug:

armadillo, you're right.  nothing wrong with powering down until i get settled in our new place.  my t and i just chatted, even tho i had issues popping up the past few days. :hug:

the one thing my T is doing now is anticipating my needs, something i haven't experienced a lot of (mostly not at all) until i moved in with my D, who has many times given me permission to take a break, don't do what i don't feel like doing, etc.  this past fri., once again, as one issue gets processed, it's making room for others to pop up and plague me.  this time it was a lot about my ex, ugly/gross stuff, and the images were running thru my mind every time i wasn't being distracted. 

we'd talked about taking the processing slowly, that i had enough going on at the moment, but at the end of chatting about this stuff, she volunteered to take them all from me, hold onto them for me so i didn't have to carry them in my mind.  once again, relief flooded thru me at this gesture, and i let out a great sigh, which she noticed and commented on.  i told her again the she and my D are really the only 2 people in my life who have consistently looked at me, noticed me, and took over for me as i struggled.  my T said 'it's about time.'

such a release of even a part of the responsibility i've carried for myself and everyone else just takes a weight off that i didn't realize the full extent of, or how much energy it's been taking me to do everything, think of everything, then carry it out or delegate.  it's quite a dense concept for me, but i'm so grateful to these 2 women.  i don't quite trust it yet - my default is to jump in and take care of whatever is going on, with myself included.  to have someone jump in for me is still too new to actualize in my mind.  but it feels so freakin' good!!!

 :hug:

I'm so happy you have your T and D taking some of the burden and noticing what you need and helping to provide it. It does indeed sound likenits about time you had that type of care and real tangible support. :hug:

How's the packing coming?

thank you armadillo - so very appreciated.  packing is still going on but at least it's continuing.  neither of us have frozen over it - we just keep putting one foot after another. :hug:

am in the middle of grieving this place, so i don't have a lot to give.  we got the keys last tuesday, and i really like the apt.  moving is on the 22nd, then a return trip to clean the house.  too many emotions to elucidate, but the sadness comes out in spurts and i find myself crying from the smallest of triggers here.  the community we found here was unbelievable, like nothing i've known before.  so very hard to leave it behind.

There's a lot to grieve about moving from a place you love. Take your time. I'm happy to hear you like the new place too and hope the community is warm and welcoming.  :hug:

 :bighug:

armadillo, thank you so for your words of caring.  i hope so, too. :hug:

notalone, thanks for that embracing hug.  it made my heart smile.

sometimes i think i'm doing ok, then a niggling little bit of disturbance makes itself known and begins building, all in a matter of seconds.  will this be ok?  will that work out?  what about that other thing?  it's simply draining and exhausting.  head to the medicine cabinet for xanax, out to the garage for a smoke.  honestly, having to rely on these things now to get me thru the day is nerve-wracking, makes me feel weak for not shouldering this like i used to. i'm so topsy turvy right now.

i really do feel like the apt. will be a place to make a fresh start, at least for me.  my d has already looked into the future and all she sees is that eventually she'll be moving again.  it's disheartening to me to hear that, and she's full of anger about all of this.  i guess i'm so used to things not always turning out the way i'd expected or wanted or hoped for that my survival mechanisms are running full speed.  all i'm looking forward to now is getting out of this place. and starting over.

*sigh* i think, i don't know.  i have so many emotions inside that i can't pinpoint.  they will flash out every so often, but then recede quickly and i hardly have time to acknowledge them before they're gone and i've already forgotten what they are.  i just want this move to be done - i'm feeling so anxious about everything!  2 neighbors are supposed to come over to get some big items out of our house so the restore people can come and pick them up, but we haven't heard about a time, so i'm already worried we're gonna be stuck leaving that stuff here and we won't get our deposit back. 

ok, feels like an avalanche  :fallingbricks: of worries and concerns are about to crush me.  ugh!!!

Aw San Magic,

It's so much stress and uncertainty and I can feel how much you just want some peace and stability and how much you have earned that, many times over.

You know, it is ok to need a little extra help coping right now to get through this unsettled period. Please don't beat yourself up for needing a xanax and a smoke. It is smart to get help getting through this since you don't have the luxury of collapsing into a heap of depression or anxiety right now. Anything to keep moving. And if you are able, do something that makes you feel good too, when you can. If you can't, that's ok too. Sometimes life and triggers are too much to be able to do anything more than just survive.

One thing that has helped me when the stress of what ifs have become overwhelming is to really truly focus on the present moment down to a micro-level. Yes, in 5 minutes things might be terrible but right this second things are ok. Of course, I want to punch my T when he tells me stuff like this cause it feels like he doesn't understand...but when I am able to, it does help. And although I am currently safely out of punching distance from you, San Magic I am very sorry if this kind of trite advice lands wrong and hurts or annoys you. And feel free to tell me to shove it, especially if it makes you feel better. :D

I hope you find out soon that your neighbors have taken care of the furniture so that one worry can be taken off your plate.

Love and hugs back to  you.  :hug:

my dear armadillo, your words of kindness and acceptance were exactly what i needed.  thank you so much. :hug:

yeah, just getting thru each day now is extremely wearing.  we're doing the next to final packing, one room at a time.  yesterday, the kitchen took about 6 hrs.  that's the biggest, most difficult of the bunch, but i think part of my stress is having to be on this schedule, not of my own choosing, and not getting the breaks i want at the time i want them.  just have to keep pushing till it's done.  i had a difficult time settling last nite, didn't get a lot of sleep.

we did get the furniture moved either to the doorway or into the garage so the Restore people can pick them up fri.  our 2 neighbors helped - washer, dryer, massive loveseat out to the garage, and pushed another sofa and loveseat to a door.  the Restore people won't come into the house because of the covid restrictions, so we are now without laundry facilities for over a week.  little by little, tho, i guess. 

i can tell it's disturbing me inside cuz my tetchiness and distress signals are going off.  another cig has been added, as well as more xanax.  dang, i'm working really hard to keep those amounts down, but i guess i'll just have to let it be what it is till i can settle.  i don't want to feel guilty or ashamed, even tho they're trying to come into my mind, because that doesn't help me relax, which is the point of using something to de-stress in the first place.  it's a tough battle, tho. 

at any rate, i just feel so busy and unsettled right now, and that's not sitting well with me.  therapy in a few minutes - that does help me settle down a bit, at least.

San, your life is uber-stressful right now. As long as you are being safe, you are taking care of yourself by getting help with xanax. I used to wait until I was at the edge of a cliff or had fallen over before I took a xanax. I now look at it as self-care to take something before I'm at the edge.

Did therapy help?

It's a ton of work to move. You're doing great.

 :hug:
Hope  :)

notalone, armadillo, and hope - thanks so much for your caring, concern, and hugs.  love and peace to you all :hug: :hug: :hug:

i'm too stressed now, 3 days to the move.  i'll be out of touch for a while.  hanging on with meds and smokes and food.  ugly combo, but there it is. 

Doing what you need to do to hang on is not ugly it is beautiful. Healthy habits will be waiting for you when you are in a place to make use of them. Hang in there the next week.

Quote from: Armadillo on June 20, 2021, 08:36:37 AM
Healthy habits will be waiting for you when you are in a place to make use of them. Hang in there the next week.

:yeahthat:

Sending strength and self-compassion to you, dear san.

Thinking of you, dear.  :hug:

I found my old recovery journal very recently, and it reminded me of all of the help and support you gave me, around EMDR and therapy. I am truly grateful.

I hope that you are coping well with everything you are going through, and I look forward to reconnecting when you are back on the forum.

 :hug: sorry I've been MIA San. You've still been in my heart and thoughts. I hope that your move has gone well and you are settling in well. Sending hugs of comfort and care for a friend that I've been missing. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Sending you much love and hugs, San.
:bighug:

Thinking of you san  :grouphug:

Ditto.  :grouphug:

thank you all for your thoughts and caring. :grouphug:

the move was a nightmare, the heat wave almost landed me in the hospital, and the car died on the way to the apt.  more than that i can't talk about yet, but me D, her cat, and i are all alive, so that's the best part of it. 

i appreciate everyone's support.  i'm still not ready to come back here regularly.  i still can't get to a place of hope, peace, and/or calm.  just surviving for now.  love to you all. :grouphug:

 :hug: oh dear. It sounds dreadful. I am happy you are alive. And I am so sad that you are in a place of despair right now. Calm and peace will come in their time. In the meantime, you know you can just pop in for a hug anytime without having to say a word.  :grouphug:

thanks, armadillo, for the validation.  it has been dreadful, and the pieces are still falling on us.  too many to mention.  i'm so tired of being strong, i can barely stand it anymore.  as soon as we get a bit of down time, my anxiety blasts me.  it's ridiculous!  can't even enjoy a few minutes respite.  my t listens to me 2x/week and i'm simply venting, like i'm doing now.  so very sick of this crapola!  no breaks, it seems like, at least not with the piddly, annoying, one little thing after another.

the big things, yes, we are still alive.  we are safe.  only by divine intervention, i'm sure of that.  all around me the world is sick, dying, our political picture looks bleak, the earth is burning both in the air and on the ground.  i have to survive this, and i'll fight till i can't, but honestly, i'd love for that to stop.  i'm drained of fight, except to simply survive right now.  times like this i wish i could just give up, give in, disappear and be done with it all.  but something inside won't let me, so i come here to rant about it instead.  i just hate all of this!!!   :blowup:

you know, i'd love some hugs if they're available.

I hear you, San. Hang in there. Sending much love and support, and oodles of hugs.
:hug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug:
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:hug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug:

 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Coming here to rant and vent is just fine! 

San, I know it has been so long but I think of you often and am always in your corner. Sending you so many warm hugs and wishing you that moment of respite you need and deserve. Remember as well that EMS is always with you, looking over you. Her warmth and support is always available to retreat into for a bit.  :hug: :hug:

Dear San,

so glad you are back to rant and find hugs.

I've been wondering about the move, your state of being and all of it. I'm validating this: re: Not giving up.

Quotesomething inside won't let me, so i come here to rant about it instead

:hug:  and  :cheer:  to your strength, your energy and your determination to not give up.

snowdrop, yours were the first hugs i saw and i can say for a fact they warmed my heart.  thanks so much for your support and care. :hug:

blueberry, as always, your support has been undeniable.  thank you so much for the hugs - they really helped.   :hug:

el, honestly, i believe it is EMS that helps keep me going.  thanks for the reminder, for being in my corner, and for all your support.  so appreciated.   :hug:

beekeeper, thank you so much for the validation of those parts of me that have kept me going.  it's wonderful!   :hug:

nothing is coming easy, but little piece by little piece, things are getting done.  even after the move itself, stuff has been cropping up, like what exactly to do with the car since we can't afford to fix it and we're ready to send it to the scrapyard, so w/o a car again!  the guy we bought it from may help us - he doesn't want to see it sold for scrap, we offered to give it back to him and in doing so, cancel the remaining money we owe on it (we had it for 4 months before the tranny pooped out, it would cost us nearly $3000 to have it fixed, and that's with getting the parts from a friend of his), so that's still on our minds.

my d's new computer (6 wks. old, she's only been using it since the move, 3 wks.) has already fritzed out, and she's spent hours and hours troubleshooting on her own and w/ tech friends, finally called the place where she bought it from to see about getting it fixed or getting a new one instead (she already has their tech squad installed) and spent nearly an hour w/ some guy who was rude, obnoxious (your computer shouldn't be doing that, that shouldn't be happening, it'll cost you to fix it,  :blahblahblah: ) and it sent her anxiety soaring while dropping her spirit and energy to the bottom of her being.

i finally took over, called a store near us to speak to someone who is not sitting in a cubicle somewhere in the world, and got a lovely lady on the line who bent over backwards apologizing and making things right for us. happily, we'll get a car to use from a friend who's going out of town for 5 weeks, so we'll be able to bring it to the store on sat.  we were both nearly crying with relief.

i mention my D and her woes a lot cuz it affects me as a mom.  knowing her childhood and my part in some of her problems, i always feel terrible when things don't work out for her after she works so hard, does all the right things, and a bomb still gets laid in her lap.  as difficult as this has been for me, i know it's been more difficult at some levels for her, and that hurts my mother heart.  i'm so thankful this is going to get worked out at last, but what a rough road to get there.

so, the stress of this move isn't over yet, altho it has been smoothing out a bit especially in the past 3 days.  (weirdly enough, as the stress levels have gone down cuz we aren't in crisis at the moment, that's when the anxiety hits with a bang.  we'll have to get used to not living in crisis again, which i'm sure will take some time.) we'll be walking again for groceries and stuff, which is more than a mile one way, so we have that to look forward to until we can possibly save up to get another car.  i'm exhausted all the time, have found little bumpies on parts of me now that weren't there before, have taken to wearing depends at nite cuz i've been sleeping so hard i can't wake up to make it to the toilet, headaches, tired, grainy eyes. 

this continuing stress, well, it's been with us since the owner of our house decided to put it up for sale last sept., and my body is letting me know it's not happy about it.  geez, it would be nice to have a break, one that lasts for a long while.  hard to trust that will happen, tho.  fingers crossed and prayers flying.

there is a fitness center in this complex and i've been able to begin getting into a regimen again of working out.  i prefer free weights, but these machines are all they have, so that's one more big change to adapt to.  still, i'm not really complaining.  i'm so glad to be able to get my muscles to exercise again.  and we're on the third floor, so walking those steps every day when we go for a walk is doing the trick for my legs.  i'm feeling compelled to get my body back, at least into decent shape for my age.  seems real important right now in order to survive and stay as healthy as possible (haven't smoked since the move)  to help my D out - she couldn't afford this place w/o my soc. sec., - and help her do well with her books.

all in all, i think we'll come out on top.  the mgt. here has been so helpful - they sent a repair guy out the same day we asked about something, and, again, i was almost moved to tears thinking about how much we had to kick and scream in order to get anything done at the house.  this is showing me what a truly horrible experience it was living there.  the location, neighbors, and forest/ocean were helpful for our sanity.  but, i think, in the long run, this place will be able to help us continue with our healing.  it just feels so nice to be in a place where the mgt. gives a damm. 

love to you all for your kindness and concern. :grouphug:

 :hug: you can do it remember to breathe :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 14, 2021, 03:04:22 PM
i think we'll come out on top.  the mgt. here has been so helpful - they sent a repair guy out the same day we asked about something, and, again, i was almost moved to tears thinking about how much we had to kick and scream in order to get anything done at the house.  this is showing me what a truly horrible experience it was living there.  the location, neighbors, and forest/ocean were helpful for our sanity.  but, i think, in the long run, this place will be able to help us continue with our healing.  it just feels so nice to be in a place where the mgt. gives a damm. 

I am so happy to hear that you have found a place that will be able to help you continue with your healing - and that the management care.  Such a contrast to everything you had to endure in the other place.  I am glad to hear that, SanMagic. 

I am late with this hug, but it is heart-felt and a really big one for you:

:bighug:

I also want to put this symbol  :cloud9: as I hope you have sweet dreams and feel safer in your new home.

Hope  :)

Quoteall in all, i think we'll come out on top.  the mgt. here has been so helpful ... but, i think, in the long run, this place will be able to help us continue with our healing.  it just feels so nice to be in a place where the mgt. gives a damm.

I was delighted to read this, San. It sounds like this might be a place where you can find stability and healing after everything you've been through.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

tee, thanks for the reminder and the encouragement.  breathing is sooooo important!  :hug:

thanks, hope for your validation and your big hug.  it's never too late, as far as i'm concerned.  i appreciate it just as much as everyone else's.  :hug:

snowdrop, those big hugs were wonderful to see and they felt so good.  thank you!  :hug:

still under a lot of stress, especially about what's going to happen w/ the car - we're hoping to hear this weekend and hopefully be done with it one way or another.  we are also getting the use of our former neighbor's car beginning today, and that's going to be wonderful for 5 weeks.  we might be able to return to the farmers mkt. to sell our books for a few sundays, at least.  i hope so.

the stress has taken a major toll on both of us, both physically and mentally/emotionally.  the weariness seems overwhelming at times, my anxiety is ramping up in the evenings again, and my mind is so full of crisis mode still that my therapy sessions are mostly me just venting about what else has gone wrong in the past few days.  my t makes sympathetic noises and validating responses, and that's all i'm capable of for about the past month.

coming out of crisis mode, while it may sound good on paper, has its own baggage.  crisis is a great distraction, of sorts, covering over normal triggers, but once the crisis begins settling down, the old baggage has a chance to rear its ugly head.  i think that's what's happening with my anxiety now, and even feeling an overload of discomfort (which immediately translates to anxiety) at several things on tv that i might have normally simply overlooked.  it feels like i'm more sensitive than ever right now, which gives the anxiety a chance to make itself known more often.

it's frustrating.  it felt like i was making progress, and this may simply be part of it, i don't know, but it's frightening at the same time.  even as i'm getting my room closer and closer to how it will ultimately be, i'm anxious about all this being taken away from me, that somehow we won't be able to afford to stay here.  i only have my monthly bit that i contribute, so the rest of it falls on my D to make sure she gets enough clients to make up the slack.  possible catastrophizing?  don't know.  but it feels like a real thing, and i don't like it.

that's all i can write.  just became drained.

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

blueberry, those warm, embracing hugs soothe my soul.  thank you and back atcha.   :bighug:

still feeling crappy, but as i lay in bed this morning, crapola surrounding my being, i decided (finally) to do something that would make me feel better, so i went to the gym.  i was right.  just being in that atmosphere, encouraging my muscles to do what they're meant to do, was uplifting.  i feel so good about going, feel so good about having gone, feel my muscles singing.  i'm not doing anything near what i used to do 40 yrs. ago, which was something i had to come to terms with, but i can now acknowledge i'm not where i used to be in that area, and that's the way it is.  my body is completely different now, and deserves to be treated differently.

so, i made one good thing happen for myself, which i will punctuate with a  :cheer:.

i talked to my t about my fears of enjoying this new place as i'm putting together a room that is exactly what i want - calming, comfortable, full of things that have a sentimental meaning for me (some of which i've managed to retain thru countless moves), my writings.  altho i've lost so much over the years, i'm going to believe that these are the things i'm meant to have for this time in my life. 

my fears, tho, are getting in the way of just being able to relax and feel settled.  i'm scared that my D won't get enough clients down the road to keep us viable to pay the rent and bills.  never had this kind of fear before, and it's really bothering me.  my t said we should be able to make it go away with some emdr when i'm ready.  hopefully, that'll be next week.  and, anxiety was quite high all day yesterday.  maybe it's cause this weekend we should hear definitely about the car, if they'll take it back and erase the rest of what we owe, or if we're going to take it to the junkyard for parts, and have to keep paying.  fingers crossed it's the former.  we just want to be done w/ all of what was now.  i've been in that space for quite a while, and i'm glad my D has finally gotten there.

ok, enough.  even writing here takes a lot of energy, still.  hopefully soon i'll have enough to comment and respond to others.  for now, this is all i've got.  thanks for all the support.  it truly helped.

San, I'm glad you found something that felt supportive to your body by going to the gym.  I appreciate you sharing. 

thanks, rainy.  i was almost surprised at how good it made me feel, even if only for a little while (the rest of the day was long and arduous, and i ended up completely spent, physically). :hug:

i'm anticipating hearing from the people who sold us the car today, and i can feel my anxiety ramping up.  looks like it will be xanax time soon, because the pressure of this anticipation is becoming huge and heavy.

this kind of thing never used to affect me like this in the past.  i don't know if it's still a remnant of all i've discovered in the past 6 yrs. about me and traumatization, or if the accumulation of even more trauma from our entire living situation for the past years is making even the smallest of things seem nearly insurmountable.  i'm feeling so much more sensitive to anything that directly affects my life now, including making small phone calls to the pharmacy to see if my script is ready.  it's bugging me no end.

i'm guessing i'll just have to wait this out until stability settles in.  until then, awful.  i just responded to a few journal posts, and it wore me out.  i used to . . . wait, i do say and think 'i used to . . .' a lot.  maybe i've got to ultimately realize and accept (2 different concepts) that i really don't have to do things the way i used to cuz i'm not the person i used to be anymore.  hmmm...that feels like it might be right.  i'll bring it up with my t this week, but any opinions are welcome.

san,

I really love how you caught yourself saying this, then took it one step further.

Quotei do say and think 'i used to . . .' a lot.  maybe i've got to ultimately realize and accept (2 different concepts) that i really don't have to do things the way i used to cuz i'm not the person i used to be anymore. 

Choices!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 18, 2021, 10:20:05 PM

... wait, i do say and think 'i used to . . .' a lot.  maybe i've got to ultimately realize and accept (2 different concepts) that i really don't have to do things the way i used to cuz i'm not the person i used to be anymore.  hmmm...that feels like it might be right.  i'll bring it up with my t this week, but any opinions are welcome.

I don't have answers for you, of course. I do have a close personal relationship with "I used to" - as in I used to be ok, stuff used to not bother me, I used to be able to just let this stuff mow me down and be ok with it." But of course, with the cost of completely shutting myself off. So even though it FEELS like I used to be better, I was just numb and nonexistent. I doubt this is exactly the same for you, but feeling worse or more anxious may be a good sign of improvement, in a way, as you cross over into a more healed, more peaceful state.

I read about everything that went wrong with the move, and also the good stuff, and your worry about your daughter being able to make ends meet. It's a lot to be dealing with and trying to figure out and so much instability right now.

I wish you nothing but peace as you take these big small steps to be in a better place, like going to your new gym and being gentle and understanding of yourself.

I appreciate your kind supportive words in my journal, but I would love for you to skip replying in my journal to protect yourself and your energy. Simple hugs, too, let me know you've got my back.

:grouphug:

Just sending out a big warm hug for you, San, wherever you are emotionally today.  :bighug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 18, 2021, 10:20:05 PM


this kind of thing never used to affect me like this in the past.  i don't know if it's still a remnant of all i've discovered in the past 6 yrs. about me and traumatization, or if the accumulation of even more trauma from our entire living situation for the past years is making even the smallest of things seem nearly insurmountable.  i'm feeling so much more sensitive to anything that directly affects my life now, including making small phone calls to the pharmacy to see if my script is ready.  it's bugging me no end.

i'm guessing i'll just have to wait this out until stability settles in.  until then, awful.  i just responded to a few journal posts, and it wore me out.  i used to . . . wait, i do say and think 'i used to . . .' a lot.  maybe i've got to ultimately realize and accept (2 different concepts) that i really don't have to do things the way i used to cuz i'm not the person i used to be anymore.  hmmm...that feels like it might be right.  i'll bring it up with my t this week, but any opinions are welcome.

Hi SanMagic,
You said that 'any opinions are welcome' so I am thinking through what my opinion might be - I have no idea, but I'll just keep writing and hopefully something will come together - I can just say that as I read what you wrote, and thought about all the things you've been through in recent months (as well as past times too) I think you've had an incredible amount of things to deal with - and none of them are easy things to negotiate and deal with.  So I think that you are strong to have gone through those things.

Even on top of all of that, you still attempted to respond to a couple of journal posts, and felt like it wore you out - I think that you're strong to have even attempted to do that - let alone accomplished responding to a couple.

Someone said to me in my journal - possibly Blueberry, that I should be 'gentle with myself' - and I found that to be really helpful, and not dissimilar to things you've said to me in the past too - about pacing.  So I would also like to say to you SanMagic, that I hope you are able to be gentle to yourself, and pace yourself too.  Go at whatever pace feels right to you. 

I also wanted to send you a really big hug  :bighug: and I also want to say  :yourock:  That's because you do! 

Hope  :)

hi, beekeeper, thanks so much for the validation and support.  so appreciated!   :hug:

hey, armee, what you wrote sounded so very similar to how i've been feeling, and my t noted the same thing about me that you said - yeah, you used to be able to cope with all that, but the cost to you was enormous.  also, same thing about being numb, no emotions, just taking care of everybody's problems. so, sounds like you and i have a lot in common on that point.  she also told me that we may work on blending those two 'me's' , take the best of each one and kind of meld them together into a different version.  that sounded like a good idea.  and, also, thanks for the extra hug - it really soothed my heart and head.  so very kind and thoughtful.   :hug:

dear hope, i so appreciate the reminder to be gentle with me and to pace myself.  so very important.  thank you so much for your thoughts about me and my life, too.  you have a lot of wisdom, and i love when you let it out.  your opinions are always welcome in my life.  loved the big hug and the compliment as well.  you are wonderful. :hug:

it seems that most of the nightmare is relatively over, but now we have to deal with the crash of not being in crisis mode - it's been nearly a year of having the threat hanging over us that the owner of the house we lived in was put it up for sale, and all that meant - we had to allow strangers in our house during the pandemic if anyone wanted to take a look at it, we lived under the possibility that if someone bought it, they could put us out on the street in 3 months if they didn't want us as renters (and, in this case, our lease would be broken and there'd be nothing we could do about it), the roof had to be repaired and my D couldn't sleep in her room for 2 months, and the electricity turned out to be in such disrepair that it posed an actual fire hazard.

anyway, then came the move, the loss of our car after 4 months, loss of revenue cuz we couldn't get to the farmers mkt. w/o a car, having to continue to pay for a car we could no longer use - just one nightmare after another for way too long.  i know i'm repeating myself, but sometimes i just need to write this stuff down until i can get it out of my head and gone.  my knee is now tweaked, probably because of the stress we've been under, both my D and i are exhausted, we've come down with ailments that make no sense except that the amt. of stress we've been living under has thrown our bodies completely out of whack.

happily, we are both enjoying the apt. now, we've got the use of a neighbor's car for a month so we'll be able to get to the farmers mkt. 4 weekends,  my D has a friend who will probably be willing to come out once a month so we can get to a food pantry and do other little errands for a day.  we got more money back from our security dep. on the house, so we have enough to pay off the car.  we just have to rest, relax, allow ourselves to recover.  i've gone to the gym a few times and loved it, so that's going to be a regular part of my schedule.  we have a 3rd floor walk-up, which is where the knee thing gets tricky, but i'm resting it today, have it wrapped, and keep ibuprofen doing its thing for the inflammation.

i'm more hopeful about life in general than i have been in a very long time.  we're saving money to buy another car, so hopefully our book sales will allow that pot to swell.  we might lease a car - we'll see how that goes, what info we can get about it.  still plenty on our plates, but a lot has finally been finished.  gotta research the junkyards, see if they'll pick the car up and give us a little money for parts.  and, finish unpacking.  that's a project in itself cuz there isn't nearly as much storage space here, no enough room space as we had at the house, so i've been nailing crates to the wall to serve as shelves.  i've done a few, and they look pretty rustic, but i like that look so i'm ok with it.

all in all, i think we're out of the worst of it.  unfortunately, every single little thing sends me spiraling.  xanax and food have helped keep me afloat for now.  i'm looking forward to the time when that can get to a place of normalcy.  geez, i barely know what that looks like anymore.

so, just writing this has now gotten me exhausted.  thank you all for your ongoing support, care, and concern.  you have all helped tremendously, and i love and appreciate all of you so much.  one day i'll be able to contribute to others here as well.  just not today, except thanks! :grouphug:

 :hug:

San, it can take such a very long time to go from a place of uncertainty and chaos and fear to feeling safe feeling stable. I find too there are subtle repercussions to letting go too fast. So I kinda think it's ok to release it slowly and ease into your new life after everything that happened. Slowly you will get to that place of peace where you can ease back out of reliance on food and xanax.  :grouphug:

my dear armee, wise words, indeed!  thank you for them - they make so much sense, and i believe you are absolutely correct.  this is going to take time, probably more than i figured on, more than i want to recover from this past year.  my knee is now tweaked, and i have to be extra slow and careful going up all these stairs.  that kind of physical thing knocks my socks off.  my D has always bragged about how her 73 yr.-old mother can walk farther than she can, but now i have to let myself be as old as i am and take those steps one at a time instead of one after another. 

i kind of thought that after i got here i'd be so full of new energy that those stairs would merely be good exercise.  altho my legs have always been strong, all of this has taken more of a toll than i bargained for.  i need to just be my age, take my time, let myself be a senior with a senior body.  it hurts my heart to even write that, but, there it is.  thank you, armee, for allowing me to take the time i need at the pace i need.  i don't have to prove anything anymore.  i made it here, made it thru, and am still alive, even if battered and torn right now.  your words are an inspiration to me to let myself by older, and all that comes with that.  invaluable, and a huge breakthru for me. :hug:

dear san,

Quotenow i have to let myself be as old as i am

a lesson which is  :blink: I've spent the last 2 years thinking about this very same thing. Stairs, the unavoidable element of life. I feel for  you. Stairs knocked me out 8 years ago, so I know what you're taking about.

I'd like to jump back one post and say how thoughtful and kind it was for you to give a one year summary of your life, and how the move, the car and the various issues impacted you. It know it takes a lot to write that, almost like re-living it as you type. The solutions and answers will come, maybe in unexpected ways. Take a "be kind to san" weekend.

Recovery just takes time, and after honoring your older body with the rest it needs I'm sure you will bounce back with the energy you were expecting.

Now, I boldly stand still to take the retort I surely deserve. Young whippersnapper lecture ME?  ;D

hey, beekeeper,

you know, i was looking forward to those stairs, now i'm apprehensive about them.  i do believe this happened with my knee due to the stress we've been under, and i've been resting it the past couple days.  thanks for the support about what i've written - in retrospect, altho it was difficult to write and kind of relive it all, i also feel like it helped get those lingering maggots of thought about it all out of my head.  it made room for the future, in a sense.  and, i did what you suggested - i'm having a 'be kind to san' several days, and it has felt good.  thanks for the suggestion.  :hug:

armee, i was shocked to read what you said about me giving you a proverbial slap upside the head! :no:  absolutely no thought of the kind went thru my mind.  you don't deserve anything of the sort for sharing an opinion - never!  i didn't see what you said as a lecture, either.  i appreciate anyone's point of view, thoughts, opinions no matter their age.  everyone here has been thru difficult, challenging, hurtful situations and relationships, and i welcome any insight people have gained along the way.  i need reminders, too, and i'm glad of them.  thank you for acknowledging my situation and suggesting i honor my older body.  never thought of it that way - it was a golden nugget you gave me, and i'm grateful for that. :hug:

still in crash mode, but i think it's getting better, at least a little, every day.  this will take time, patience, and a slowed-down pace.  i'm working on adjusting to that, including the stairs.  i've got to get it into my head that it's ok to go slow - dang, i've earned it!  i've waited for people all my life, i guess it's ok for others to wait for me now.  happily, my D is extremely patient with me, always has been, so opposite of her sister.  that thought just jumped its rails and landed at the forefront of my mind.  it breaks my heart.

watched the opening ceremony of the olympics, and i cried nearly all the way thru it.  seeing all those athletes from every corner of the world gathered together in one place - that's how the world is supposed to be.  i thought it was brought home by the singing of 'imagine'.  and, the young woman, naomi osaka, who lit the torch is a tennis player i've been watching since she came on the scene a few years ago.  she's been an activist for human rights, and has had to miss matches because of depression after press conferences where the journalists ask the same crap every time.  it really puts a lot of pressure on the athletes, it's part of their contracts, and she decided to go against their expectations in order to protect her own mental health.  brava!  she was fined and not allowed into the next tournament if she wouldn't speak to the press, so she pulled out of it.  i think it was absolutely courageous to do such a thing, and she's now raised awareness for mental health issues and how they need to be cared about and cared for. 

today, i'll give the knee a try, go for a walk, see what happens.

oooh, my t told me yesterday i was an empath.  it kind of knocked me out of my socks because i immediately thought of the expectations that might go along with that.  i have been sensitive all my life, have cried with impunity until that got mocked out of me and i didn't cry for about 30 years.  now i cry all the time about stuff, but the idea of being an empath, well, that was  kind of new.  i've been told here on the forum that i'm empathetic,, but it didn't hold much water.  i've known what words to say to people who are struggling because of being a therapist, but before that, i was impatient with people who were scared or hurting.  the impatience has left, and the empathy is now real, but i wonder if that, too, had to be buried in order to survive.  this stuff is certainly weird at times.

Quotebut the idea of being an empath, well, that was  kind of new.  i've been told here on the forum that i'm empathetic,, but it didn't hold much water.  i've known what words to say to people who are struggling because of being a therapist, but before that, i was impatient with people who were scared or hurting.  the impatience has left, and the empathy is now real, but i wonder if that, too, had to be buried in order to survive.  this stuff is certainly weird at times.

I often find I can't see my true nature, or believe it when it is pointed out to me. And as I'm typing this...I'm realizing probably that the core of who we are....those most important things...are the one's we would need to hide and protect the most n circumstances like ours, until even we lose sight of them. But other people can still see it and remind us.

How you express your empathy here may be aided by having the training and experience of a therapist, but the empathy behind them is you. I never feel like they are empty words you've been trained to use. They feel like an enormous hug from a loving mom-like figure. The words without the empathy would lie flat. Your words bring tears to my eyes.

____

It's striking how different your experience of your two daughters has been. I'm very very happy you have a warm understanding relationship with your daughter and I see how much you support her and she supports you and that is the mother you are. Sometimes people just come out different and nothing we do or try can change that.

Let us know how your knee does today with your walk! I hope it goes well and brings some encouragement.

And I know, San, you would not want to smack me for sharing a thought. You are too kind for that. That was my insecurities speaking and I need to learn to keep those where they belong!!  :hug:

quick reply, armee.

thanks for your kind words.  i totally agree with you that the most precious parts of ourselves have had to be stashed away until we're not aware of them anymore. it's only by working this recovery gig that i'm getting a glimpse of who i truly am.

and, if i may, i think it's ok to let your insecurities out here.  you can get reinforcement and support in spite of them, which may help healing that part go faster until they, themselves, fade away and don't bother you anymore.  like you said, you can get the words of reassurance and reminders of who you are, how others see the parts not visible to you yet.

my knee did fine on the walk, thank you, and i went up the stairs slowly, using only my other knee for the lifting part.  still healing, but better.  argh, stress sucks! :hug:

writing the words 'the most precious parts of ourselves' really struck a bell with me.  the more i thought of it after i wrote it, the more i completely believe it.  we did have to hide our truths, which are the precious parts of ourselves, or get shredded because of them.  if nothing else, this forum is filled with the bravest survivors i've never met.  we are so precious, each of us in our own way.  i love us!

Hi San.  :hug:

How's the knee and everything else?

 :hug:

Thinking about you even though you aren't up for posting.

Happy Tuesday san,

Quotemy t told me yesterday i was an empath.

Good stuff! It might have set off validation for what you already knew. The recognition or "label" can be a mixed bag, as you say. The expectations, but also society's reaction to your expression. (Being mocked) To me, the bottom line is the capability and the willingness to FEEL. Some people do, a lot of people don't. For those that do, it's difficult to rein in because a lot of acceptable communication shuns feelings, and shared feeling.

You probably didn't need someone to tell you, I'm glad your T did. They recognize a gift and talent that are special and unique. Somewhere, long ago, inside baby san, there was a flower that bloomed. It's still blooming. 

thanks armee and bee for the care and support. :hug: :hug:

battling the heat, had a ptsd experience - very different than c-ptsd - but have also had a couple wins lately.  right now i'm still too tired and hot to say much here.  love to all.

Love to you too SanMagic  :hug:

Hope  :)

dear hope, thanks so much for the love you sent.  it warmed my heart.  back atcha!   :hug:

having a difficult time getting back to some sense of normalcy.  hard to believe how long this is taking.  the whole car thing - we have to give our friend's car back in 2 weeks - paying off the car that doesn't work, waiting for the title so we can haul it off to a scrapyard for parts, - is still up in the air and bothersome.  energy is so low, fatigue is rampant, relaxation is difficult.  at least we really do like our apt. and its location, and we got some kudos from the farmers mkt. for our books, so that's another plus.  but honestly, it's all either of us can do to make it thru the week.

Making it through the week is a fine enough accomplishment and one I am grateful you are able to do.  :hug:

I wish some car fairy would drop another car in your lap to take that fear and burden away!

I am really happy though, San, that you like the apartment and the farmers market is appreciative of the books. Everything else will (slowly) fall into place. You're not alone in things taking longer than we wish.  :grouphug:

Thinking of you San.   :hug:

 :bighug:

 :hug:  Wishing you energy, rest and peace!

armee - if only!  a car fairy would be more than welcome.  fingers crossed! :hug:

thanks, rainy :hug:

love that hug, snowdrop!   :hug:

thanks, cactusflower.  :hug:

still quite wiped out, the heat is gonna hit again this week, so gearing up for that. 

i don't know anymore what it is to feel normal.  some days are better than others, but nothing i can pinpoint as being 'normal' for me.  some days i don't understand why i can't get my fighting spirit back up, as i've done in the past, and say '* no, i'm not letting this beat me!' and feel renewed energy.  it's not happening lately.  last time i was able to feel that was about a month ago. 

lately, it feels like i'm hanging on by my fingernails, like i'm on the verge of cracking altogether.  it's so unsettling.  i can't feel rested or calm most days, even w/ meds.  i'm now finding myself riding in fear on the road that some car is going to smash into us.  i've talked about driving again, but, honestly, i don't think i'm capable of that, and it breaks my heart.  driving was my way of getting away from everything - my car had no chip, i have no smartphone, nothing could track me.  it was true freedom and independence and i miss that terribly.

i don't know how much of this is related to cptsd anymore, or the months of stress or a combo.  i'm defensive, and just want to be left alone, but that isn't possible, except for an hour or so like now.  my freedom feels like it's been sucked away, kind of like when my kids were growing up.  my D's anxiety is so pervasive, her frustration and anger levels (not toward me) are up while her tolerance levels are down, and it sears me that i can't help.

just needed a place to vent.

Vent away. I often feel more upset that I don't feel well than I would feel if I just embraced not feeling well. But still giving myself that nurture and permission is no easy task. Still, San, it was a lot in short time and a lot of stress leading up to the move, too. After a bog period of stress we usually fall apart a bit instead of falling apart during.

Also, and you'd know better than me... but it is sounding a bit like signs of regular PTSD might be popping up in addition to the CPTSD? Might be good to treat that sooner than later before it blossoms into full fledged PTSD for this event?

Come 'ere. Big bear hug is called for today! :bighug:

san,

Quotei don't understand why i can't get my fighting spirit back up, as i've done in the past, and say '* no, i'm not letting this beat me!' and feel renewed energy.

Me too! But guess what? it may be a time warp? Or it may be resiliency has parameters just like physical things. Being able to rise up again may have a physic "load" we can bounce back if  X number of discrete problems happen, or specific problems occur. I don't know. I noticed my resiliency factor seems to be connected to (shhhhhh) age. Just sayin'.

The independence and freedom of a vehicle is unquestioned! and the fear of losing it real. I don't have answers, but  relate 150%.

armee and bee, you two made my day this morning when i saw what you both posted.  absolutely wonderful feeling i got from you. :grouphug:

more later - just got finished w/ a significant session w/ my T, but can't talk about it yet.  it's good, tho.

 :bighug:  That's a big hug for you SanMagic. 
Hope  :)

as always, hope, your big hugs feel so warm and caring.  thank you.   :hug:

major realization fri.  while in session.  these past couple weeks, after once again becoming overwhelmed while processing and put out of commission for a week or so, my T and i realzied that, because of my lack of emotional feeling at the time of incidents and situations, that particular element has been missing from my life.  now, as i'm processing, the appropriate emotions/feelings are making themselves known.  i've been recognizing, at least  the appropriate emotions that would have belonged with the situation.  it's in recognizing what should have been there, finally knowing how to feel about what happened that has been a 'double whammy' (my T's words) to my processing.

since i haven't really felt emotions most of my life (that i can remember), even the big ones like anger, fear, happy have been basically absent, digging into my mind now is beginning to bring some of those up and it's been very difficult for me to deal with them.  the other day, i was talking with my D and during the conversation she said she remembers, just a couple years ago, when i told her i was afraid to take a walk by myself, and that i asked her how people live with fear every day.  i've asked that question here on the forum a few years back as well.  it was such an awful feeling to me to feel afraid.

responded to her that the thought of feeling emotions is horrifying to me.  that's exactly how that concept feels - horrifying - and i told my T about that.  we decided i would have to process things in tiny pieces rather than small pieces, because i'll have to process not only the memory/situation but the emotion i would've normally felt at the time that i can now recognize.  it's opening my mind up in more place than one, i guess, and both are traumatic to me.

one example of how i was stunted emotionally was that i could only ever remember 1 fight between my mom and dad.  my household growing up was without adult fighting, name-calling, acts of anger, or even expressions of anger, except for that one time.  and, while they worked it out in just a couple hours, for a minute my dad had packed a bag and threatened to leave.  that set the stage for my lack of anger, especially in relationships.  if i were to get angry, my mind told me, dire results would happen and the other person would leave.

so, not a lot of experience w/ emotions while growing up, besides which, when i cried out of whatever i might have been feeling, i can still hear my dad say 'stop it. crying doesn't solve anything'.  it was like the tap on my emotions had been firmly shut off. the only one i ever really felt on a regular basis was sadness.  the rest were gone.

now, beginning to feel human emotion is akin to another trauma, mainly because i don't know how to cope with hardly any of them.  i don't really know how to function in a world where i feel these 'things'.  i've always been strong enough to work myself through whatever was happening, but i suspect it's because i had no emotions holding me back.  even now, as i write this, i can feel the weight of all of it pressing heavy inside my skull.

I can relate to that lack of fighting.  I never really thought about it before, but I never saw my parents fight, never knew that people could - and should - fight and certainly never fought myself.  My spouse fights something awful (like a tomcat), and it was so overwhelming for me when we first got together that I would flee for days on end during a fight.  We fight less now, fight more fair, and I've learned (a bit) to fight back.

I too stuffed my emotions so deep when I was a kid that I think I lost them.  Whenever I start to feel something, it scares me.  I'm not used to it.  I'm trying to learn to sit with them, but it's uncomfortable.

Wishing you peace and "feeling" good!  :-)

San, I appreciate you articulating this as I process in a similar way and have noticed myself slipping back into this recently because I am overwhelmed.  I appreciate you sharing the idea of processing tiny pieces.  I am thinking of you during this time. 

hey, dante - it's definitely uncomfortable to 'sit with' feelings that we've rarely, if ever, known.  i've been working on reclaiming feelings/emotions for about 5 years - it's slow, sometimes painful, and can be scary.  i give you lots of credit for working on this issue.  it can be tough.  thanks for the well wishes.   :hug:

rainy, it's definitely a new-ish thing, of being overwhelmed when processing.  after a few times of it happening, i began to be scared of processing, which i told my T.  since then we've been breaking off smaller and smaller pieces for me to process, but this whole thing w/ my emotions threw a new wrench into the works.  i will keep on with this, but, as i've often heard here, slower usually allows for faster recovery in the end.  here's to tiny pieces!   :hug:

finally feeling better this morning.  we've still got stuff hanging over our heads re: the move, but they've been whittling down.  this is our last week to use our friend's car, so we have a deadline on being able to get to the food pantry, pick up extra cat supplies, and clean the car out from our jaunts to the farmers markets.  so, we still have to push ourselves a bit, which is not good yet.  we had to cancel the market this past weekend cuz my D got too sick from the stress we've been under to stick out the last weekend.  since we've moved, she doesn't have a T to talk stuff over with, and i suspect she could be helped a lot by one right about now.

therapy tomorrow.  we'll see what happens.  i think one of the last things my T said to me on fri. was that she wanted to somehow get me to the place where i could actually feel happy.  i used to ask myself why, when i had a house, hub, 2 kids, the stuff other people dream of having, why didn't i feel happy?  that feeling has been extremely elusive, along with the rest.  some of these emotions, like fear and anger, are beginning to surface more regularly, but happy just isn't there.  i can be glad about something, either for others or myself, but i haven't been able to get to the place of just feeling happiness on its own.

the weather has changed, heat is gone, and it's amazing to me what a difference that is making in my energy level, my feeling of well-being. 

i'm getting a gravity blanket this week.  when i did some research on them, i nearly began crying.  i remember some of the best sleep i had was with a man who encradled me as we slept.  it was a little hard to get used to, but it amazes me to think of what a difference it made to my feeling of safety and comfort and feeling cared about.  since i've lived with my D, i've been making my bed as soft and cushy as possible.  i had a very hard mattress i brought w/ me from mexico (it was hard cuz that's what my hub wanted) but i can kind of see now how some of my sleep problems there might have been connected.

so, my D and i switched mattresses - she likes them hard, and hers had gone soft - and i got a feather pillow which my head sinks into, as well as a mattress topper for even more softness.  it's been much better with those changes, but i lately heard of gravity or weighted blankets and looked them up.  the idea behind them is to help relieve anxiety and depression by giving a person a sense of being swaddled or swathed, and it's supposed to also release pos. hormones because of that, including melatonin.  i am so looking forward to using this.  it feels like the last piece i've been looking for to help me sleep.  does anyone else use one?  any thoughts?

moving forward, one step at a time. 

Hello San,

I've been reading  but not posting.

Quotehere's to tiny pieces

Yes, tiny, sometimes microscopic does the trick. I admire you for pushing on and through your unexpected reactions from the last session and making sense of it. Your T sounds so caring and sensitive, you're one lucky person!

Even since I learned about the weighed blanket I knew I'd probably love it. I'll wait until you get yours and give it a review. It makes a lot of sense for your D and you to mix and match, that alone deserves acknowledgement because that says you trust each other. I like that a lot.

thanks, bee.  i'll definitely give a report when i get the blanket, give it a few nights, see what happens.  i'm so hoping this will make a pos. difference for me, and possibly for you, too.   :hug:

 

Quoteit's definitely uncomfortable to 'sit with' feelings that we've rarely, if ever, known.

Absolutely the case for me too San, it's exhausting and sometimes terrifying.  I often wonder if therapists understand this, how incredibly difficult it is to sit with feelings when in the past they have overwhelmed us.  Like your T, mine is all about small moments and building tolerance, of being OK with me saying I'm done, I need to step away from all these feelings for a bit. I feel much safer knowing she will not push me, that I am in charge of when and what and how much trauma I try to deal with. 

I remember writing here a while ago that I was not a happy camper to have given up dissociating and that was and sometimes still is true.  So like you I'm trying to find ways of comforting myself - love that you are making your bed a cozy, safe and renewing place  :zzz:

kizzie, i'm sure most therapists do not understand this, unless they have gone thru it themselves.  i know, back when i was practicing, i had no idea.  even as this has come up in my own sessions now, i've been having to explain to my T what was going on with me and why.  it finally clicked with her, but before i figured it out and told her, she didn't have a clue as to what part emotions/feelings were having in my being overwhelmed by processing.  like your T, mine also lets me guide our sessions, and i'm grateful for that.  so very glad to know you're working with someone similar.  thank you for your support and for sharing, my dear.  much appreciated.   :hug:

first nite with the gravity blanket was positive.  as soon as i got under it, i felt calm gently rolling over me, a soothing feeling.  i had no problem sleeping thru the night, and even tho i woke at my regular-ish time, which is about 5-6 hrs. of sleep, i didn't want to get out from under it.  next time i opened my eyes, it was 2 hrs. later.  during those two hours, while i didn't go back to being in a deep sleep, i know i was comfortable, enjoyed the feeling of the weight on me, and didn't want to leave it.  i'm sure, tho, that i snoozed on and off during that time, which felt good, like something pos. was achieved re: my sleep pattern.  so, right now,  :thumbup:.  i'm looking forward to the experience again tonight.

2 weekends ago, while sitting at the farmers mkt., a man in a wheelchair w/ his wife pushing him, stopped at our table and began looking at me.  he held up his hand, and i, without thinking, held mine up, our palms facing (not touching).  it was almost like a healing ritual, had that kind of feel.  i felt nothing neg. from him (my energy is very strong and i can often sense things), and eventually he came over to where i was sitting, got very close to my ear and spoke softly into it. 

he told me he was a prophet, that he could tell i was out of balance, left pushing to the right (don't exactly know what that might mean), and that one way to help regain my balance would be to put sea salt under my pillow (i've forgotten until now).  he mentioned childhood trauma, and i told him it was a lot of adult trauma as well.  then he reiterated the sea salt and left.

this kind of thing has happened to me before, so i wasn't shaken or upset by it.  once, in a bus station, a young man was traveling with a didgeridoo and approached me, told me how he'd learned to use this instrument as a healing resource, and proceeded to play for me (with my permission). as he slowly waved it in the direction of my body, it was moving up and down until it spent a few minutes pointed to the left side of my head.  i asked him about that, he said he didn't know what was wrong, but something in that vicinity was not right.

he wouldn't take money nor even a soda, and went on his way.  it was years later, when i moved to the states, that i discovered what the mex. docs continually told me for many years was moles and a fungal infection on the left side of my scalp was, in actuality, cancer.   now, to have this man tell me that my left is pushing into my right side (or vice versa - i can't really remember exactly - feels like my mind reversed his words )  is intriguing.  i'll have to look it up, i guess, cuz i don't know exactly what that might mean.  if anyone has any ideas, please share.  thanks.   :grouphug:

San, I don't know the meaning but am so intrigued by your experiences.

rainy, thanks for responding.  it seems that even in my c-ptsd state, i invite 'experiences' from strangers.  it's been interesting for me, too. :hug:

nite 2 w/ gravity blanket.  once again, just getting under it to go to sleep provided a feeling of comfort.  can't really explain it, but it feels very real.  soft, soothing, caring.  i woke up at 3:30, closed my eyes after contemplating getting up ( that's been a pattern for quite a few years) and the next time i opened my eyes it was 3 hrs. later.  plus, i still felt so comfy and soothed that i languidly stayed in bed another hour, just resting.  no bad thoughts, either, which has happened in the mornings more often than not.  those intrusive thoughts have been a signal to get up and begin my day in order to stop them.  haven't had any the past 2 mornings, for which i'm extremely thankful.

i also remembered about putting sea salt (this 'prophet' man suggested that for the imbalance going on with me) under my pillow.  we'll see if/what it might do, if it helps.  i looked up left and right side imbalance, discovered it was about feminine (left) and masculine (right) energies.  i think adding this knowledge has also been distressing somehow, because after writing about it here, looking it up, doing a little 'test' (my left side was definitely weaker, less stable and i'm not sure what that means, but i'll ask my T tomorrow), i feel a disruption inside me.  sometimes i wonder if this will ever end?  every little bit of new info somehow knocks me off kilter.  i understand it's part of the growing/evolving process, but dang, i could use a break.

still a bit nervous about doing therapeutic processing.  if i'm honest w/ myself, it's more than a 'bit' nervous.  tomorrow is therapy, and all this has really pulled me off my stride, upset my apple cart once again.  ugh!!!. 

That's really interesting that you're putting out this energy where strangers are approaching you with healing intentions.

I've loved my weighted blanket. It was one of a combination of things that helped me kick my insomnia.

Like you described, I would still wake up momentarily but instead of waking and getting up it was a little physical nudge to shhhhh shhhhh shhhhh go back to sleep.

the blanket is still working its magic, even tho this is a time of great stress (again!!!).  i still woke up too early, but was able to, as armee said, be shhh shhh shhh'd back to sleep for a couple hours.  i loved that phrase, armee.  thanks!   :hug:

today is the last day we have a car and it hit me yesterday that we will now be 'stuck' w/o transportation until we can save enough for another.  i'm going to look further into their transportation system, as far as getting rides for prescriptions, etc., and also how much it would be to have food delivered.  otherwise, i came up with the idea that we could walk to the store and bring a roll-along suitcase to cart groceries back home.  it will be quite a hike, tho, and at this point we have little strength, less energy.  we will go today while we have the car to stock up on some cat food, my D's mac & cheese - she's vegetarian, so cheese and eggs are her major sources of protein - and i need some vit.  also gotta fill up the car before we pick up its owner, and, yeah, unfortunately, all this has sent me into another cig. spiral, so some of those, too. 

hopefully, we'll finally be able to settle for a bit.  we've got boxes everywhere that are yet to be unpacked, but betw. the heat and stress we haven't had enough energy to do anything about them.  eventually.  right now we're pretending she's an author on tour and we're living in a hotel suite.  it's kind of fun, it's pretty much what this apt. reminds us of, and it's a little escapism, especially for her.  i've already gone down that rabbit hole - we will now officially be stuck here, living off our savings until she can find a job.  we've only got a month before she has to start looking, and that's terrifying to her. 

she's part of what's hurting me right now, too.  not her, per se, not intentionally, but just that her anxiety is so bad, she's so angry at our circumstances, so afraid of the future, and my heart breaks for her.  she's struggled all her life to do the right thing, has worked her butt off, and hasn't really gotten the good stuff she deserves.  it's just hard to watch her getting sick from the stress of it all, so much of which happened to her rather than because of her. 

anyway, that's depressing me to write about it, so i'll stop.  therapy this morning, but i'm too shot to process anything, go into anything too deeply.  this has been the pits, to say the least. :fallingbricks:

Hey San, just wanted to let you know I hear you about your daughter, I know how hard it is.  I went through something similar with our son this past year and it was incredibly difficult. What I held onto during that time was he grew up with parents who showed him he was loved and kept him safe.  It's important because we know what it's like not to have parents who did that.

She has you and more importantly your love and support.  You're part of the good stuff she deserves and that's a head start toward getting more of that for herself.  You and I and everyone here were so far behind the eight ball because of how we grew up that it takes years just to get to stable ground.   :hug:

 :bighug:

kizzie, thanks for sharing.  it seems that 'once a mother, always a mother' can be painfully true at times.  i'm glad things with your son have lightened up.  thanks for your very kind words as well.  they were so appreciated.  it seems like i have a do-over with her, and now am able to give her the time and attention she deserves and was deprived of while she was growing up.  that's been taking some time to develop, but i can see progress every day.  it's given me a boost as well in the 'mom' department.  thank you, too, for such heartfelt support - i feel it in my heart. :hug:

armee, that hug felt just like my gravity blanket, enfolding me, bringing me in.  thank you so much for that. :hug:

the car is gone, we made it thru yesterday, and today just feels lighter to both my D and me.  while we are looking forward to having a car of our own eventually, right now the pressure we've been under to get things done for which we needed a car has lifted.  now it's time, finally, to heal.  we've been in crisis mode for so long, i'm not sure how the recovery will go, but we're both looking forward to finding a routine again by taking walks, going to the gym, and managing our writing/editing tasks.  i'm looking forward to some sense of normalcy.  it's been too long . . .     

san,

I'm glad you got all your car tasks done. When deadlines loom, there's extra pressure to "get it right." I have total confidence you and your D are going to adapt to the circumstances; being together, sans 4 wheels, having a bit of space to breathe again. Unpacking can wait, and maybe you can do this differently from the times before. What I mean is: Ask yourself, "Do I HAVE to do this NOW, this WAY?"

I've been asking myself that a lot lately and Hello! It works for me. You probably have other questions which are most relevant to you and your recovery or preferred dominant self. Whatever those questions or pauses might be, maybe go slow enough to notice them?

It takes time to decompress, much more than we "allow" for ourselves. Be generous!  :yes:

San, thinking of you as you establish a routine. 

hey, bee,

your suggestions and questions and thoughts are so valuable.  thank you for all of them!  i especially loved the idea of being generous.  it's a great point to remember - having been generous w/ time, actions, energy for others most of my life, i do feel, finally, it's time to be generous to and for myself.  wise words, indeed!   :hug:

rainy, thanks for the thought.  every single one of those has sent energy and wellness my way, and i've scooped them up greedily, held them to me.  they've made a difference. :hug:

my D and i finally took a short walk down a nature trail this morning, and she mentioned that it felt like a bit of normal for us.  i agreed.  it wasn't far, but it was for ourselves and our well-being instead of because it was a task or chore that had to be done.  i know my legs and hips appreciated walking for the sake of walking w/o the added pressure of 'have to get something accomplished.' 

it's difficult to rely on the idea that the nightmare might actually be over, but it's a tentative hope at this point.  the sky seems a little bluer this morning.

San, I am glad to hear that you and D are working to set new routines and experiences.  I hope that you all are able to begin to creating a different reality that is gentler and joyful. 

I love that you got a hopeful taste of a lighter mood and some safety and peace. I hope that more days are filled with those feelings of peace and fewer days are filled with worry.  :bighug:

I especially loved reading this:

Quotemy D and i finally took a short walk down a nature trail this morning, and she mentioned that it felt like a bit of normal for us.  i agreed.  it wasn't far, but it was for ourselves and our well-being instead of because it was a task or chore that had to be done.

It has inspired me to make sure I make time for a long walk today.

thanks, rainy - i certainly hope so as well.  we did take a walk this morning, and it was good.  since it's beginning to cool off a bit, it's even easier to navigate the stairs.  i'm thinking of it as stair-step aerobics!  lol!!!   :hug:

thanks, armee.  i appreciate the thought and your kind words.  i'm hoping for the same.   :hug:

still a bit rocky, still crashing a bit, still pretty tired.  killer migraine the other nite - haven't had one for at least 15 yrs.  it's like the stress has to leave, but before it goes it's gonna squeeze my head, muscles, movements, joints - everything physical it can get its hands on before i can settle into a better place.  thankfully, i'm still really liking where we live, feel safe here, and lighter and brighter.  plus, no more LL hassles, stress, tension, fear, anxiety - looking back it was so much of that for the entire 3 years we lived at that house.  what a difference a residence can make.

i guess that also speaks to the fatigue and residual tension and anxiety i'll still feel from time to time.  it's not leaving willingly, but kicking and screaming.  sometimes, if i really think about it, i feel like i'm hanging on by my fingernails.  it's been so so so much.  that feeling just came to me this morning, didn't realize it before this.  maybe i'm just now feeling some emotions, like sadness, that hadn't shown up before.  too much crisis to simply have emotions.  maybe.  tired now just writing this out.

San, I had chills at your description of the tough things needing to leave the body and how hard the body might want to hold on.  That really resonates with me.  I hope you find some ways for it to release even if it is for one breath. 

hey, rainy,

it's a weird phenomenon, to my mind.  still, i guess all that crap had to sit and wait somewhere until i was settled enough for it to show itself.  just part of the process, i guess, albeit not my favorite part.  sorry you know it.  thank you for your kindness. :hug:

had to write this out.  this morning, finally, i felt good enough to get back to the gym.  there was a notice on the door that masks are required, so i put mine on.  turns out there were 2 guys in there taping one's workout - neither had masks on.  i went to a farther machine trying the situation out, but, nope.  it felt too unhealthy for me - it's not a big gym, we were 6 ft. distanced, but it was enclosed, so the risk felt too great.  i had to leave cuz other people refused to follow the rules and caused my health and well-being to be compromised.

usually i say something, but  with the atmosphere re: mask-wearing so volatile, i didn't feel safe or comfortable enough.  i just want to cry cuz of not being allowed to to do something that is not only good for me physically, but mentally/emotionally as well simply because of inconsideration by others.  i've worked really hard at staying safe and healthy thru all this.  ugh!!!   :pissed:

Well this makes my blood boil San I must say.  Considering some of the volatile tantrums & protests I've seen online I hear you about not wanting to say anything.  Grrrrr  :pissed: 

thank you, kizzie, for backing me up on this.  honestly, it's freakin' scary out there, the way people have acted over this mask thing.    :aaauuugh:  i appreciate your support on this a lot!  :hug:

 :grouphug:

That just sucks San. I hope there is another time today you'll feel motivated to head back and see if there are people respecting the mask signage. Either way....props to you forbgetting to the gym!!!!

Quote from: Kizzie on September 02, 2021, 03:53:31 PM
Well this makes my blood boil San I must say. 

:yeahthat:
:pissed:

Sometimes I say something and sometimes I don't. It depends on how strong I'm feeling internally, I guess.
Anyway I can certainly understand NOT saying anything. I feel annoyed too when other people don't follow the rules. I'm sorry you had to leave something you were looking forward to doing, san.  :hug:

thanks for the props, armee, as well as the support. very appreciated. :hug:

thank you, blueberry, for the support.  i'll try again tomorrow, i hope.  the thing about saying something is that in this country, people are getting into physical fights and even being shot for upholding mask mandates.  these were 2 young, fit guys, and even if there was nothing physical going to happen, i didn't want to hear anything neg. or harsh coming at me.   :hug:

when i think about it, gym protocol also requires that you put your time in at a station so that if someone else wants to utilize the equipment there, it's available in a timely manner.  these 2 were hanging out in front of several machines, chatting, camera equipment barring the way as well.  there would have had to be confrontation on several levels for this particular situation.  nope, not feeling strong enough to take all that on.  don't know if i ever would be. 

i've been thinking of EF's lately.  with all the triggers i experience, i'm surprised . . . no, wait.  i got triggered by a show last nite, and i immediately felt distressed, and kind of went into freeze mode.  just sat very still while the sequence was being played out.  i guess that would be a form of an EF.  i was surprised, tho, that i didn't go running out of the room for a xanax.  maybe some of my therapy is working.  it was very uncomfortable to watch it, tho, as it referred to a father and his D's, and i thought of my ex and my girls.  actually, it's disturbing me right now to write about it, so i'll stop.

 :hug:

That trigger sounds very upsetting, San. I hope that one day all this stuff loses its power and leaves you in peace.

Hi san, the gym situation sounds quite upsetting. I'm not sure if you'd be up for this, but maybe you could call and make a complaint about it, so that the gym might address it? That way you do not have to confront the offenders yourself. Hopefully tomorrow goes better.

armee, thanks for the validation and support.  much appreciated.  it was pretty bad.   :hug:

owl, wise words.  actually, i was able to go to the gym this morning with no problem.  if it happens again, tho, i will take your advice and call the office.  thanks.  :hug:

quite a good session yesterday.  i've been stuck in the 'i used to be able to do this' loop', referring to how much i managed 30 and 40 yrs. ago, and feeling weak because i can't do the same now.  my T suggested i might be feeling disappointed in myself.  i told her, no, that feeling never reared its head.  i guessed it went along with not feeling shame or otherwise getting down on myself.  i finally figured out that this went back to never being able to please my dad cuz i wasn't perfect (heaven knows i tried - i was the best little girl all my life), but still not accepted unconditionally.

along with that piece came the realization that i couldn't allow neg. feelings about myself because always falling short of pleasing my dad was all i could take.  his judgment, his perspective, his expectations of me were too distressing already.  i believe that i couldn't feel any more negativity toward myself by myself or i would drown.  this was a sobering thought, but it made sense as to why feelings like fear, hurt, pain, etc. were absent for me after i grew up.  absolutely couldn't be allowed, couldn't have them there cuz it would be more than i could cope with.

that acceptance piece was key.  i haven't been able to accept myself as being different than i was 30 or 40 yrs. ago.  of course i'm not going to be able to manage things like i did.  she also told me that these were some huge things i was dealing with, and i didn't understand - they didn't seem as huge as everything i'd gone thru w/ my first T, my ex, and D1.  she told me that if i have an emotion about something, it's huge.  i guess that's cuz i normally haven't had such disturbing feelings most of my life.  she also told me that now that i'm getting some of my feelings/emotions back, it's actually making me stronger.  what a foreign concept!

my D2, w/ whom i live, told me she likes this 'me' better than the woman who did everything all the time in the past.  as i write this, it strikes me that the past mother she knew was all about these crises, etc., and she got lost in the mix.  now that i'm not doing doing doing all the time, i do have more time just to be her mom, someone she was missing a lot while growing up.

i've been on the 'fix, help, be there for others' bandwagon so long, it's a little difficult to understand how very much i've ignored myself, my wants, needs, boundaries, etc.  growing into myself now is strange.  so is getting to know, accept, and like myself at such fundamental levels.   whew!  what a ride!

Quotei've been on the 'fix, help, be there for others' bandwagon so long, it's a little difficult to understand how very much i've ignored myself, my wants, needs, boundaries, etc.  growing into myself now is strange.  so is getting to know, accept, and like myself at such fundamental levels.   whew!  what a ride!

I love the phrase "growing into myself" San, it really resonates.  Like you my ride is still bumpy in spots, but there are these wonderful times when a beautiful vista comes into view, more often these days thankfully and I hope the same is true for you.  Your daughter sharing that she likes the you you're letting out seems like one of those moments.  :hug:

thanks, kizzie.  after that session w/ my T, i actually felt a ripple of joy run thru me, something i've only experienced once in my life that i know of - the day D1 took her first step.  right now i'm feeling hopeful, another feeling that's been elusive in my life.  here's to more of the beautiful vistas, less of the bumps.  :hug:

As I read your post about doing, I related.  I constantly stay busy to distract myself from something awful like feeling.  I've found that if I let myself just be without doing, the feelings of peace and hope are very scary and overwhelming.  I don't know how to process those kinds of feelings, I'm not wired for it.  It just turns into hypervigilance because then I' feel like I missed the sign that told me what bad thing was about to happen.

To do or to be.   Doobeedoobeedoo.  :-)

Your post is one of the most beautiful things I have read, San. What your daughter said to you, how you are able to be the mom she needs right now, how you can take that all in and make connections. Beautiful.

And I relate a lot to what you wrote about your relationship with your dad and not letting yourself feel certain things because it would be too much. I know that feel well.  :hug:

hey, dante,

i guess i'm in the process of finding the balance between doing and being and feeling.  my T and i have discovered that, since i haven't had most feelings for most of my life, when i do sense one now it can be overwhelming all on its own and needs to be processed separately.  hence, our decision to take tiny (instead of small) pieces of my past to process at any one time.  also, so much of my 'doing' was wrapped around constant crises becuz of my ex, my D1, and my first T.  at that time i wasn't really distracting myself, at least not consciously, but dealing with life, death, and sanity issues in my family.  didn't have the feelings at the time to distract myself from (alexithymia).  thank you so for responding.  that hypervigilance thing is a terrible burden to carry. :hug:

awww, armee.  so sweet, what you wrote.  thanks.  yeah, i think the dad/feelings thing began when i was very young, probably pre-verbal, and it affected me most of my life.  i've read over and over on the forum how people feel ashamed, guilty for their past and what happened to them, or live with fear and anger all the time, and i absolutely can't relate.  like dante said, i haven't been wired for them.  however, w/ the help of my T of late, we are re-wiring my brain in order to allow those feelings to rise to the surface.  it's quite frightening to be overwhelmed by them (there i can feel the fear).   :hug:

triggered by the heat again, kept the place as cool as i could yesterday, which helped.  went straight to an EF the day before, which was not fun. 

i've begun working on my next book again the past couple days, and that's felt good.  i so enjoy it, writing, and this is a dream come true.  literally.  i can remember talking to an addictions counselor back in the early 90's about dreaming of one day publishing a book.  well, it took 30 yrs. or so and a few false starts, but it happened.  i'm now in the process of writing my 4th book - have to wait till my D has enough time and energy to edit and get it out on the market - but this is something, my 3rd career, as it were, begun when i was 70.  never give up on your dreams!

because of the alexithymia, i was never very creative mentally.  never made up stories to tell my D's when they were young - didn't have the imagination part.  i think therapy has truly helped free up that part of my brain, as well as eliminating the toxic people and also  living with my kind and gentle D.  little by little, i'm coming to trust that she will truly be there for me, will not leave me on my own for a relationship w/ someone else, and does accept me w/ my shortcomings as well as my strengths.  she's very proud of my literary venture, and that feels very lovely and warm inside me.

this month is finally feeling like a return to normalcy of some sort.  most of the nightmare has receded, and i may even continue to unpack and set up my room in its finality.  it's almost strange to be able to think like that.  i like it, tho.

 :hug:

He really robbed you of something important, being able to feel emotions that might have helped keep you safe and protected all those years from ex-Hs, D1, and old T. I'm angry at him for you for that. (And I'm thankful to you for sharing your journey with alexithymia, and how you and T have developed a way together to chunk these things out real small so you can safely and fully start feeling these things.)

Again the way you are describing your relationship with D2...loving, reciprocal, understanding, accepting of your full humanity...beautiful. It's such a gift for both of you.

I didn't realize YOU were writing books! I thought you were helping your daughter market books she wrote. Oh my gosh this is so exciting that you've made this dream happen!  :cheer:

san, lot of changes, epiphanies and new perspectives here.

Your D's ability to trust her comments would "land" with kindness and appreciation show the stability of the relationship. That's very warm and fuzzy.  :hug: With kids, we "pour into them" until it feels like the well has been dry for years, Then, surprise, they tell us something great which we didn't expect!

Writing books?!? Yeow. That's great! even greater than going to the gym! Of course I'm biased with printed matter. Having the energy to dive in and accomplish pages, chapters, ever a TOC is very "san-Warrior Princess!" It wasn't that long ago that the move, heat and uncertainty of life were holding you underwater.

Glad you came up for air. I like this:

Quoteshe also told me that now that i'm getting some of my feelings/emotions back, it's actually making me stronger.  what a foreign concept!

Maybe that has something to do with it?  :bigwink:

san, I'm very happy for you both for the relationship that is unfolding between you. It is precious and what life is all about. Congratulations on your book writing, how wonderful that it has finally happened for you  :cheer:

That's awesome!  Congratulations!

rainy, thanks so much for the hug  :hug:

armee, i have to admit i was taken aback by your anger on my behalf towards my father.  i don't know if that's ever happened before, and it sit strangely because i'm not used to someone doing that for me.  thank you, tho.  i appreciate that emotion.  i've done anger work on him, but i don't think it was ever so specific or exactly the way you spelled it out.  bringing tears to my eyes, so i know you hit something very close to my core.  i love that you said that, even tho it's painful.  it's a good pain, something i've struggled with feeling most of my life.  for you to say that and have that emotion brought out for me because of it is awful but amazing at the same time.  please, never hold back.  it's really good for me.  thanks again.  :hug:

bee, as difficult as this whole feelings/emotions thing is for me, i'm sure it has a bearing on my relationship w/ my D, and in a very good way.  i think it's allowing her to trust me in a world where she's had trust broken time and time again.  so, i think it makes me seem more stable in her eyes, even when i'm going thru very unstable times.  and, yeah, i do edit my D's books, but i've also written my own.  one about food/eating/body image issues is on the forum in the book section.  the rest are either waiting to be edited, or are in the process of being written.  it's so fun, and i love getting out of my world sometimes and into my created worlds.   :hug:

owl, thanks for your happiness for me.  it brought a smile to my face, which is a very good thing.  i so appreciate it.   :hug:

dante, thanks so much for your enthusiasm.  i absolutely loved it.  it put a smile on top of the smile i already had from owl.   :hug:

 :bighug:

Sending you a big hug SanMagic. 

Hope  :)

i love that hug, hope.  thank you so. :hug:

we've had more heat, not as bad as 2 mos. ago, but enough to keep me on the anxiety table.  i guess what happened in june to my body because of it was a trauma after all.  i'll get thru it, but i don't like living with this anxiety hanging over me.

yesterday's session i worked on another piece of acceptance for myself - that of being 'hobbled' by the alexithymia and being on the cusp of the autism spectrum.  that, and, as someone said in another post, not having a template for what compassion and empathy look like, i struggled thru my life bound inside a bubble of confusion.

childhood was 'don't ask, just do', late adolescence and into my 20's i got by on my created personality and looks (seems weird to say that, but, looking back, i believe it's true), and then the crapola started hitting the fan, and i was simply confused.  looks and personality didn't stop anything that was going on behind my back with my 2 exes, or going on that involved me with that icky T and my D1. 

when i finally began asking questions, a lot of people, especially men, were uncomfortable with it, so i was left in the dark all the time.  people would either lie to me, change the subject, or deflect, and i couldn't understand why.  i never got it.  my T and i worked on this phenomenon, and i finally came to the conclusion that this wasn't something i could fix w/ emdr as it was simply the umbrella beneath which i lived.  it was what it was, can't change that past.  happily, my D2 doesn't lie, nor does my T, they readily answer my questions, or, in the case of D2, she'll say she doesn't want to talk about it, and we leave it at that. 

this self-acceptance thing, from both the past and the present, has been interesting, a bit scary, but mostly, grounding?  stabilizing?  not sure.  it does feel better to lay it out and put it to rest.  there are other things to tackle now, and i find myself looking forward to that.

 :hug:

Lies, manipulation, gaslighting...they are terrible terrible things. It takes a long time to see it and break free, doesn't it?

I'm proud of you for seeing the heat and your reaction as being tied to the trauma you went through a couple months ago. For naming it and being kind to yourself.  :cheer:

That is interesting what you said about being on the cusp of the autism spectrum. When I first started therapy I was convinced absolutely that I had autism. I took the online assessments, read multiple books about autism in women, and told my T that I thought I was autistic.

Self acceptance is a tricky thing. I'm so glad you are starting to gain a taste for it. I can't think of anyone more worthy of have self acceptance and self compassion. You're gold, San Magic. I'm glad you are here, just as you are.

San, I appreciate you sharing especially about  alexithymia and Autism.  The more I learn about Autism the more I see that our knowledge of it is so limited.  I think more of us are Autistic than we may realize and probably calling it by different names. 

I don't know if this would be an option or if interest for you however wanted to offer it up.  I have found the work of Kieran Rose to be really helpful.  From time to time he gives a course called The Inside of Autism that I learned a great deal from. 

I appreciate how hard you are working. 

armee, your kind, encouraging words brought a lot of comfort to me this morning.  thank you so much for that. :hug:

rainy, thanks for the reference.  i appreciate your thoughtfulness.  :hug:

i think it was blueberry who turned me on to the idea that i had alexithymia after a rough patch on the forum where others shared their anger about the incident, but i never felt it.  i began researching it, took 2 online 'tests' (6 mos. apart) to determine if it related to me.  the cutoff point was 60 out of 100 - both times i scored in the mid 90's.  while i read more about it, the idea of autism came up time and time again.  i dismissed it as having nothing to do with me.

after a few more months of reading, tho, i decided to take a closer look to see if autism might, in fact, be part of my makeup.  again, i took 2 different tests, and i ended up either at the cutoff score or 1 point above it.  it was difficult to swallow that i was inflicted by this as well, but it explained a lot about my social awkwardness, reluctance to make eye contact, and lack of understanding how to recognize hints or other intangibles in conversations. 

so, i'm now coming to the point of being able to accept the whole of my being, and i'm seeing progress with recognizing and verbalizing emotions, but, wow!  as my T pointed out, it probably helped me survive, in a very literal sense, this life i've lived.  at this point in time, with both my D and my T as being very gentle and kind with me, i think that's what's allowing this progress to happen.  it's strange, tho, at times to feel what i never felt before.  scary, difficult, overwhelming at times, but always a real eye-opener.  didn't know i had that much going on inside my mind.

still, it's also mind boggling.  i don't know how people have been able to live with, feel, and express everyday emotions as they come up.  i used to tell my mex. hub that i envied his being able to look at a neg. situation and immediately feel anger about it.  my D is angry a lot, too, because of all that's happened, and i'm still uncomfortable being around that.  it's so foreign to me.  and i honestly cannot comprehend how people have lived in fear and distrust most of their lives.  i'm also lately beginning to understand being hurt from a lot of people in my life, but don't often feel the pain of it.  i think my muscles (fibromyalgia) have been holding that pain for me. 

gym update:  i did complain to the front office about my experience w/ others not wearing masks, and i went this morning.  there were 2 new signs on the door, both requiring masks, but i no sooner sat down at a machine when i guy came in and began unloading his stuff just 1 machine away from mine.  i said 'no mask?' and he completely ignored me, didn't even look at me.  i waited while he unloaded a bit more, hoping he was going to bring a mask out, but no joy.  i went the long way around to get to the door.  luckily, i have some small weights so i did a workout at home, which i was glad of, but it's not the same as being in the gym.   can't believe how inconsiderate people are when this illness is raging and killing folks.  :stars:  i'll write again, let them know i appreciated their effort, but it looks like people are simply going to ignore it.  i guess this is where i'd be angry about it.  i can feel a bit of it.

Ugh about the masks!!!! Signage does nothing unless it's enforced. Hopefully your next complaint will get management to actively enforce it.

I deeply  appreciate the window into what I may eventually feel and I think you are right...the muscles take the brunt of it until the emotions can be felt. That's been my experience and I've seen as I am better able to tolerate and express some emotions or feelings that the pain has lessened.

I'm so happy your T and D have stepped in to be kind and gentle with you while you work through things. You deserve that many times over.

san,

Quotei'm now coming to the point of being able to accept the whole of my being, and i'm seeing progress with recognizing and verbalizing emotions, but, wow!  as my T pointed out, it probably helped me survive, in a very literal sense, this life i've lived.  at this point in time, with both my D and my T as being very gentle and kind with me, i think that's what's allowing this progress to happen.  it's strange, tho, at times to feel what i never felt before.  scary, difficult, overwhelming at times, but always a real eye-opener. 

Wow. Talk about progress and acceptance- warp speed hello.  :cheer: To fearless exploration! Onward. I can't imagine the difficulties, which add another dimension to life experience. You're great!

thanks, armee.  as always, your kindness touches me.  :hug:

hey, bee.  thanks so much for such enthusiastic support and your lovely words.  :hug:

it's 2 a.m., and i've been up with anxiety to the max.  harking back to something my t told me a while ago, that i have a lot of issues, especially w/ my exes, around going to sleep.  hub #1 always wanted me to stay up and party with him, always ragged on me when i wanted to go to bed earlier than him.  lots of drinking going on at that time.  hub #2 (as i refer to him as my ex) would never come to bed w/ me, even tho he was falling asleep on the couch.  i'd ask him about it, he always gave me a lame excuse.  i found out later it was cuz of his sex addiction. 

the past 2 weeks i've found myself thinking about reaching out to people i've eliminated  from my life, both men and women.  all were toxic, yet it was like i wanted to re-establish a relationship of sorts, only this time i was telling myself i could 'handle' it.  tonite, as my anxiety took hold and i couldn't settle for being too disturbed inside, thoughts began flitting in and out.  when i finally caught them, i hated to admit them to myself, so i decided to write them here instead.

i think i'm yearning for drama.  things around me, people around me are so drama-free, so non-abusive to me, so non-toxic, it's like i was missing the crapola that i've been so used to.  like craving it, craving the crisis and stress.  my first thought was shame? guilt? feeling stupid? angry w/ myself?  not sure, but i do know there is a lot of 'stuff' running around my mind that i can't quite get hold of for thinking about re-introducing anyone who has caused me pain or harm.

uggo!  what a horrifying thought!  my life is so calm now that i'm feeling a pull toward stress?  this isn't ironic, it's kind of terrifying.  i'm doing what i can not to call anyone, and i talk to my T tomorrow, so i'll tell her about it and i'm sure we'll work thru it.  for tonite, i wanted to get these thoughts down.  the disturbance isn't gone, but i'm glad i wrote about it anyway.  i feel awful about it.

san,

From all my therapeutic trauma reading, this actually sounds "normal" in the sense that you are doing what traumatized people do. I do the same, and continue to do it in small areas of my life. I recognize it, can't stop myself from thinking about it, and attempt to generate the enormous will power to stop.

So, it's not "you", you're not inherently shameful, stupid or anything else. It's a reaction and a "coping" mechanism. In the spirit of respectful disagreement, I personally don't think you are craving crapola or drama, I think this is a "symptom" of your recovery and (to me) indicates you are attempting to rewrite parts of your life when you didn't have a conscious clue. Instead of seeing yourself as defective and flawed, that you "shouldn't" have taken action to "reconnect", would it be possible to step back a couple steps and instead take that energy and be curious about the why? After that, bundle up that energy and set it aside while considering how to use that to benefit your present life direction.

I know its painful and confusing and all the rest. It takes MUCH more time than we would like to change ourselves from within. My point is, patience with yourself is key to this process. Find little things you do which mean a lot and grow those into small gardens in your life. All it takes is one "plant."

FYI: Every night for years on end, as I prepared to sleep, I found myself hyperventilating to the point of using an inhaler to reduce it. It wasn't until I purchased my little cuddle owl from Douglas toys and assigned her the identity of my 5-7 year old child that I stopped. This was only a couple months ago. Having that small anchor physically and emotionally helped enough for me to disengage with memories.

San, I appreciate you sharing all of this.  I am noticing similar patterns in myself - seeking ways to amp up the level of difficulty in relationships with others because as I approach feeling rested I am scared.  I hope that you find ways to feel ease and rested in a way that feels safe and nurturing to you. 

Hi San,

I think this is completely normal for folks like us. It'll pass, too, I think. You of course know that bringing these toxic people back into your life is not what you need or want so that desire is about something else.

I don't think it's as simple as you craving drama and crises. Maybe there's some thing scary in the calm. For me there's the feeling that comes along with relaxing and letting my guard down when one crisis ends...and all I really want is to live a life of calm and peace. But when that happens and I relax into it and let my guard down I get knocked over and caught off guard by something even worse and not seeing it coming can feel worse. I know that constantly having my guard up isn't the way to live but that is a huge fear that comes knocking when things settle.

I don't know if that is the case for you or if it's something different, like a way to distract from these big feelings you've been having.

The other thought that comes to mind is that yeah I got used to my mom taking up so much emotiinal space and for awhile when I backed off the relationship there was a huge empty boring spot and I didn't know how to fill that space right away with good stuff. Luckily for me she could generate enough drama that the peace and nothingness never lasted long.

Come here, San.  :bighug: This stage will give way to healthy stuff and peace. I feel very confident of that if you just ride it out with yourself, your T and your D.

hey, bee, thanks for your thoughts and caring.  after i posted that, i thought more about the 'cravings' i was feeling, the 'urges' to bring back someone into my life who included stress and hurt.  what came to my mind (and my T confirmed this today) was withdrawal from addictions.  i was using the same rationalizations addicts use after they quit, and get to a place of discomfort where they think about their go-to answer to ease their pain, disturbance, and distress.  one of mine being relationships, especially toxic ones.

i heard myself saying 'i could handle it this time' (handle it is always a red flag expression for me), i'd be able to do it differently, set different boundaries so it wouldn't end up the same - all the stuff that comes during addiction withdrawal.  my body and mind/brain have been so used to stress, drama, crisis, pain, confusion that they don't exactly know how to act without those things taking center stage.  that makes a lot of sense to me, and helps put those urges into an explanation i'm familiar with.  my recovering mex. hub used to say urges were like buses.  they stop in front of you, but if you don't get on, they'll move on.  i was able to allow that bus go on without me last night.  :hug:

rainy, if my analogy of withdrawal helps, i'm glad.  i was embarrassed to admit to myself that i was contemplating having those people back in my life.  i know, eventually, it would end up the same unless they did a lot of work on themselves, and from what i'm aware of, that's just not gonna happen.  too damaged.  thanks for your caring kindness.  this puts a big piece in place for me to feel peace and calm. :hug:

hey, armee,

something scary in the calm.  hmmm, maybe.  it's an unknown, for sure, but historically i haven't felt fear about the unknown.  maybe it's in there and i just am not aware.  i get what you're saying, tho.  my way of dealing with things just hasn't  kept me in the 'waiting for the other shoe to fall' loop.  and, OMG, bringing me in with that hug was tremendously wonderful.  thanks so much for that.   :hug:

i did dig out a lot more components about my anxiety at bedtime this morning, but will save it for another day.  just being able to recognize pieces, find ones that were missing, and placing them together in a recognizable form helped me a lot this morning.   :thumbup:

san,

I like it.

Quote.  what came to my mind (and my T confirmed this today) was withdrawal from addictions

and this:

Quotejust being able to recognize pieces, find ones that were missing, and placing them together in a recognizable form helped me a lot this morning.   

You know yourself well and the "manage" thought is sneaky. I have the same one!

overall, I will give in to my urge to use this emoticon.  :thumbup:

thanks for the  :thumbup: bee.  made me smile! :hug:

 :hug:

thanks for the hug, bach.  much appreciated.  brought a smile to my face this morning! :hug:

funny how this works.  i knew i mentioned earlier that i'd found more pieces to my bedtime anxiety, but for the life of me i can't remember now what they might have been. o, here comes something.  it was about feeling needy and abandoned at bedtime.  all 3 hubs, each in their own way and for different reasons, rarely went to bed with me when it was time to go to sleep.  they left me to go to sleep by myself a goodly amount of the time.  for 2 of them, it was for following their addictions. the 3rd was falling asleep early from exhaustion.

i went back to my childhood, pictured again what bedtime was like. it was cold, unemotional, no comfort involved. my F would say 'kiss your mother goodnite', and that's what we'd do - no reciprocation of a kiss or a hug - and then we went to bed.  no stories or songs or being tucked in.  and the feeling that came up for me was abandonment, and how much i needed to have some show of comfort.  so, i continue to carry these abandonment and neediness issues with me, even now.  you'd think i would've gotten over that.

we'll tackle this in more depth on tues.  since realizing this, my anxiety has either been really high or not a bother.  ugh!  this roller coaster can be crazy-making, or so it feels like sometimes.

It really is a crazy-making roller coaster. The ups and downs, feeling ok and not feeling ok.

My heart and eyes got so sad and heavy for little San going to bed alone with no one to comfort her or tuck her in. It sounds so lonely. Of course you'd still carry that with you until she can be acknowledged and comforted. Good job recognizing that, San. Now get that little girl a stuffie and some love.  :grouphug:

San, I appreciate you sharing about the routines around bedtime.  It made me think back to my own childhood experiences with bedtime and sleeping.  I don't know why but the night can be such a lonely and scary place especially when all we have is our own mind and no outside support.  I hope that you find some balance with the anxiety.

hey, armee, thanks for the acknowledgment and validation.  when i reread my post, i thought, dang, there are so many people who had terrible experiences around bedtime, like being hungry, violence, other horrific stuff.  i know others have posted 'mine wasn't so bad' but this really felt like it upon reading it again, so i want to thank you for the 'lonely'.  i think i've pretty much felt that way most of my life, but didn't know it.  it's new to acknowledge it.  i so appreciate your thoughts about this. :hug:

rainy, thank you, too, for the validation about lonely and scary.  even tho i had both parents throughout my childhood, no name-calling, threats, fighting, violence between my parents, and others even wished they could be part of my family, i'm beginning to see now (even tho tough to acknowledge it) that i was alone and scared from a very young age.  just couldn't count on my folks to be there, even when i reached out.  learning to live that way became the norm, and i'm only discovering now how much that impacted my life.   :hug:

the other day i dreamt what i believe was a grieving dream for my childhood.  in it, i was in charge of the  care of a 5-yr. old girl (i'm guessing it was me), and we were out walking near my old neighborhood when a plane crashed in the woods where i spent many, many hours playing while i was a kid.  we saw the flames begin (it was night, so they were vivid), and then spread, growing larger and larger as they took down all the trees i'd known and loved. 

it was then that i picked up the little girl, knew i would have to carry her the last mile, and in my head all i could think of was that my entire childhood was going up in flames, it was going to be all gone.  i woke up shaken and feeling so sad, but immediately the thought came to me that it was a grief dream, something i couldn't do consciously.  i think it was also part of this acceptance process i've been working on.  in this case, seeing in plain view how my childhood was taken away from me. 

carrying the little girl, tho, was something i just knew was the right thing to do - she couldn't make it home on her own.  i felt no resentment, just a sense of responsibility.  i'm glad i took care of her.

What a powerful dream.   :hug:

That's such an amazing and powerful dream. Your sleeping brain gave you the chance to rescue little San and to grieve, together. Frightening, overwhelming, sad, but also a little gift.

Not so bad. That one took me down a hole yesterday, too. Having fellow abuse suffers acknowledge the pain and affirm to us that it was that bad, for me it's more healing than anything else. You were left alone, San. You were expected to provide love but not receive it. You were taught to not have emotions or needs, and that set you up to receive further abuse later in life.

You are right to grieve it and when you can be angry about it. I can't feel anger or sadness for myself but I can for you and the others here. And that helps me slowly develop the capacity to see I could also have those feelings about the things I went through.

Quote from: Armee on September 12, 2021, 03:33:26 PM
My heart and eyes got so sad and heavy for little San going to bed alone with no one to comfort her or tuck her in. It sounds so lonely. Of course you'd still carry that with you until she can be acknowledged and comforted. Good job recognizing that, San.

:yeahthat:

I'm also sad for little San who was expected to give love without receiving it herself for the night. If it's not too much for little San here are some gentle  :hug: :hug:

San, I almost cried reading about your bedtimes, because mine were like that, too. Little B wants to give Little San a little hug :hug:

san,

Sorry to be late to this particular dream and post. I can relate to the "world ending" type of destruction you dreamed about, particularly with fire. And as you know fire holds significance for me. So here's a thought which came to me, and this is said with kind and loving intent.

In reading about the absence of feeling, emotions from your childhood/parents, I felt a psychic shiver. All I could sense was cold, frozen, icy indifference. To me, nothing is worse than indifference because it means a huge place of neutrality. No connection, no meaning, no nothing except isolation.

Then, when you described fire, my first thought was heat, not destruction and threat. Thawing. I see you being thawed out as you go through thinking and remembering the way your later life echoed your earlier life. It would be great if we could control our subconscious and adjust the flow of memories and analysis so it didn't present terrifying confusion.

Personally I think it's wonderful that you had a dream about a 5 year old, and you were there to save and protect. I'm glad you felt that responsibility, a very potent lucid feeling.  :hug:

rainy, armee, blueberry, bach, and bee - thank you all for your kind words, thoughtful observations, compassion.  and thank you Little B for the hug for Little San.  it made my heart melt. :grouphug:

rainy, as i looked back on it, i'm realizing just how powerful it truly was. :hug:

armee, that extra special validation about it being bad enough really struck me.  i was feeling kind of like a little whiner after i wrote about my bedtimes as a kid.  thank you for changing that script, allowing my experience to be terrible for me.  at the time, i felt no pain, no isolation, no abandonment, nothing untoward.  it just was the way it was and i put up with it, accepted it, and moved on with it.

i thank you also for acknowledging that this kind of childhood set me up for staying in abusive relationships for too long.  it's so very true, and i've told that to many others, told it to myself, but seeing your words were, as you pointed out, settling, satisfying, and ultimately healing.  and, i understand what you said about being able to feel for others but not self, how it paves the way for your own feelings to emerge.  i do that a lot myself, guess that 'there's probably some anger/fear/pain/etc. in here' even if i can't feel it.  recognizing what's supposed to be there has helped me a lot. :hug:

blueberry, what you wrote about me having to give love but not receive it made a profound impression on me when i read it.  never looked at it that way, but i can see it now.  thank you so much for that - it filled up a hole i didn't know was empty.  a thought just occurred - it may help explain why i was always very loving in relationships, hoping to show the other person how i wanted to be treated.  lead by example, so to speak.  somehow, it usually didn't work, and that childhood scenario played out over and over and over in my life.  no wonder it's been so hard to receive and feel love from another person.   :hug:

bach, your compassion and empathy were so caring and sweet - i almost didn't know how to relate to it, how to take it in.  still can't, really, if i'm being honest.  it brings tears to my eyes.  thank you so. :hug:

bee, you know, you hit the nail on the head here about the cold, frozen indifference.  being w/o emotions was exactly like that.  no warmth, no compassion. even sexually, altho i could make out for hours (craved the touch more than anything else), i could turn the drive off in a second, stop it mid-form, so to speak, and never feel it was incomplete.  i used to think i was frigid because i could do that.  and, yes, i was quite isolated, felt left out, didn't mix well with kids in general growing up.  it wasn't until my senior year in hi school that i'd been able to create a personality that caused a semblance of warmth between others and myself.

i can see the significance of fire and thawing, and that may be a piece of what this is all about.  i also know fire can have a cleansing meaning, and in this dream that may also play a part - that the difficulty of my childhood was being cleansed from my mind.  another part - the phoenix rising in flames from the ashes of its dead self.  being able to see the destruction of my childhood and all the neg. surrounding it may be allowing me to rise up from it, leave those ashes behind, and become more than what that frozenness allowed.  thank you so for your thoughts.  i have to admit, i don't understand the term 'lucid feeling', but i'll look it up.   :hug:

yesterday in therapy we began tackling my first T, icky laurie, i call her.  we had a list of things that came form that relationship such as anxiety, depression, meds, manipulations, tension flooding throughout my body at the remembrance, schizophrenic environment (many times i was shoved into playing dual and triple roles while with her (client, employee, best friend, clinical confidant, student and teacher at the same time).  she continually broke me down over and over, molding me for her use.  i chose a memory of how, while i was her employee, she also beat me down in a therapeutic fashion about something i did.  it was something i was very proud of, but her perspective changed it into an absolute failure on my part.

when i began my first set of eye movements on all this, i couldn't maintain it, dissociated before the set was halfway thru. my T is so absolutely pissed about what happened, and she wants to cleanse me of the damage done.  part of the reason this came up was because i've noticed increased anxiety the nights before my therapy sessions.  i was able to guess there may be a trust issue floating around because of my past experiences, especially with icky laurie.  my T confirmed that shaky trust ground would absolutely fit. 

we decided i'd have to do this in much smaller pieces, cuz it was obvious that even one memory (of oh so many) was overwhelming.  the tension i was feeling was the target, and after processing, it helped me feel calmer.  then, we decided to put her in a crate (something i've done w/ my ex hubs) to keep her contained.  one thing that came up while processing was the word and feeling of hate.  i hate what she did to me, and i hate her for doing it.  so, the crate i created while doing eye movements was very small, she is all balled up on her elbows and knees, and i put down a doggie bowl of water and one of dog food for her.  that's where she's staying till i can get around to eliminating her form my mind.

i have to admit, writing this down has been quite distressing.  disturbing.  i want to get it out of me, want to share my process and progress, but it leaves little left in me to respond to others.  i think i'll have to call it a day.  this is difficult, but i believe it's necessary.  i can't tell you all how much i appreciate the feedback from everyone on all this.  you help me get clearer pictures of what's happening with and to me.  thank you all. :grouphug:

Your recovery san, first and foremost.  :grouphug:

San, you give so so much to others here. Look how you respond to each of us individually? With such care and warmth even though this is your journal? You find the something that will make us feel seen and valued. You have nothing to apologize for. Even when people can only write in their own journal I learn so much both from their experiences and from the self-care to know their limits.

I am dumbfounded what your old therapist did to you and understand why your current T is so angry about it alongside you and eager to process that pain. I also really appreciate you sharing the process in detail so I can make sense of my own EMDR experience.

san,

You are courageous! These are significant burdens which have been inside for a long time. I admire your desire to break it down, apart and then get it away from you.  If you get fatigued and want or need to rest, clear everything off any imaginary list, and just give yourself space and time.

No one expects you to give, give, give. It's OK to just sit with yourself and recharge or refill.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
I read about the manipulative things that 'icky laurie' did.  She sounds horrible in every sense.  I am so glad you have a supportive T to talk to now, and who is supporting you and working alongside you with all these things.  I also think you are brave and I really hope that the EMDR is helpful.

Sending you a few hugs, if that's ok  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

blueberry, thanks for the reminder.  it helped a lot. :hug:

armee, thanks for the support.  much appreciated  :hug:

bee, thank you for you kind words.  you gave me a feeling of relief. :hug:

hope, those hugs are always appreciated and wanted.  thanks you. :hug:

have been feeling so destabilized lately.  to talk about stuff here ended up being too disturbing.  still plucking away, but there's so much,  even the tiniest targets w/ my T cause undue disturbance.  this is so difficult.  i wish i could throw in the towel - i'm so tired of being strong.

 :hug:

You don't have to stay strong if you can't.  Stay alive please. Other than that. Melt. Take a break. Whatever you need you get to take.  :hug:

not to worry, armee.  sorry if i scared you.  it's just been a dark day, but i'm ok.   :hug:

san,

All that comes to mind is Garcia's "Keep on truckin'" because in this time period looks like that's the best option. Naturally, it's romanticized, but nothing romantic about pushing through pain to discover more pain. Doing the same thing here. Nobody said you had to be strong all the time, even if those voices or "intuition" whispers it. Slow and steady.

I feel you, san.  Sending love and support  :hug:

hey, bee, altho not a deadhead myself, i do believe in jerry's philosophy.  keepin' on truckin' definitely guides my life.  thanks. :hug:

bach, thanks for both of those.  love 'em!   :hug:

still too shaky to write much.  i am finding it amazing how many 'pokes' icky laurie stuck me with.  i was able to imagine a pincushion filled w/ stickpins, but when i tried to process it as a whole, my mind shut off completely.  decided we'd have to tackle one memory at a time, which has helped.  very tiny pieces.  rfight now i'm basically driving this emdr truck and my T goes along for the ride completely at my pace.  she agrees it's completely overwhelming otherwise.  ok, already disturbed and twitchy. adios for now,

 :hug:

thanks, armee, and back atcha!  :hug:

San, I wish you well as you explore the images coming up.  I know you will find a pace that feels right to you. 

 :hug:

rainy and bach, thanks so much for the support. it really helps.   :hug:   :hug:

feeling pretty good today.  i've begun working out and that feels good.  slow, but good.  still, my muscles are tingling, and i like it!

i've applied for door-to-door transport service in my town.  had to show i was disabled to qualify.  fortunately, i didn't send the application in right away cuz i'd forgotten to list c-ptsd under reasons for needing this help!  i'd put down 'severe anxiety' and was trying to explain the symptoms just for that, but, really, i don't know how i didn't think of the main umbrella causing even the 'severe anxiety'!  happily, i thought of it the night before i sent it in.  wow! 

targeting  icky laurie has been difficult, especially these first 2, but i'm kind of noticing that the punch of what she's done feels less volatile, some of the other incidents with her seem to be fading a bit.  i believe that's the emdr effect - taking on some of the major, most memorable situations, processing them even if it seems incomplete, can help the brain reduce the severity of the impact on my mind in the present. 

when i attempt to think about the processed images now, it's difficult to raise them with any sort of clarity.  they're foggy, less 'here', and therefore less distressing.  even tho i've done emdr for others during my career, it's still kind of amazing to me how this can work, and keep on working after the fact.  it's a little weird, too.  things i remember not having the effect i've become used to?  it feels a bit strange, actually.  positive, but strange nonetheless.  another positive something in my life to get used to, but i'm not complaining about this kind of adjustment.  it's really, really a good thing.

it feels like hope.

D1's birthday was the other day.  it's nearly 7 yrs. since going NC w/ her.  strangely, altho i wished her happy b-day several times in my mind, it wasn't quite as sad as i've experienced in recent years.  i've mentioned before that i believe my darling daughter died when she was 4, and this version began taking over, and i think that realization helped me feel not so bad about her not being in my life.  it's as if she's a stranger now, or one of the people i've eliminated from my life and have let go of caring very much about them.  that may sound cold coming from a mom, but maybe it's the coping mechanism i've needed and haven't found till now.

i didn't even think of writing about this in the 'anniversaries' section, except for a fleeting moment, which quickly passed.  another strange change, but, again, altho it's weird not to have those memories and feelings/thoughts/emotions connected to them, i believe it's also positive for me and my well-being.  come to think of it, i'm undergoing a lot of changes within me right now, but they're being gentle and smooth.  not distressing. 

along with this, my D2 has made a breakthrough of her own this past week - she's now seeing how much of an impact on her life her anxiety has had, something she's denied and turned away from, made excuses for, pushed herself thru.  it is such a relief to me to hear her talk about it now.  she's also going to be treated by my T, for which i'm so so very glad.  her last T bailed on her, and didn't have a great connection w/ my D and her issues for the 2 + years they were together.  it feels like a huge pressure lifted off my shoulders.  yay!

 :hug:

San I'm proud of you, and your daughter (2), for the progress you both are making.

It's sad that things have to be that way with D1. But it doesn't sound cold and uncaring. It sounds like you tried all you could and there's just nothing in your control that can fix this. And if there was you would do it. Because you are NOT cold and uncaring. I can't even imagine the pain you must have suffered with before you got to this point of having a healthy way to think about the estrangement and that she really isn't your daughter. I wish that hadn't happened to her, and you. 

Big old :hug:

thanks, my dear armee.  it was the hardest decision of my life, to go NC w/ her.  it almost broke me, to tell the truth.  luckily i began discovering about narc abuse around that time, got a lot of info that explained so much.  everything grew from there, i was able to get back on my feet in a manner of speaking.  i've heard thru various sources about her engagement, her illnesses, surgeries, etc. but i guess i've gotten exceptionally good at packing that away so as not to cave in and reach out to her.  it's horrible, tho.  again, thank you for your lovely thoughts and words and support.   :hug:

San, I appreciate you sharing about your Ds.  I find it makes sense that we would need to establish boundaries with others no matter their relationship to us.  It is painful as we receive a lot of cultural messaging around these relationships.  I am glad you have done what feels supportive to you.  I will be thinking of you.

sadly, rainy, you're absolutely right.  well, sad in some ways, but very healthy in other ways.  it doesn't matter who the person is, we deserve to be treated kindly, gently, respectfully, with care and support.  the cultural messages you mentioned can do a lot to prevent people from doing what is truly best for them.  so many of us have been taught to put others first, give in to societal norms, and be pleasing all the time.  not a good fit for self-care.  thanks for thinking of me.  very cool. :hug:

therapy this morning.  hoping to work more on icky laurie stuff - i've got 2 pieces lined up to tackle.  one is of betrayal during a couples' session, the other is about her bragging to me after a session (while i was getting ready to go to work for her) about how good she was at what she saw was breaking down my barriers, but was in actuality another instance of breaking down my self.  ugh, my gut roils at the thought of that.

lots of stuff about my ex has also been coming up recently, and i know i'll need to get into him in more specific detail soon.  very disturbing to me how these memories/thoughts/ remembrances still slice my mind, leaving me in shreds.  dang, i don't know when if ever this will stop.  just don't know if i have enough lifetime left to tackle it all.  some days up, some days down. 

san,

You are courageous for continuing to deal with the memories and feelings.  I optimistically believe that as long as you're willing to work on whatever comes up, that it's worth it. Yes, in the long run, probably, cause the short run is still up and down and still "slice" your mind and leave you in "shreds." Those shreds are more cohesive that they appear, because you make sense and are still going forward with your recovery. That's the ultimate in self-care.

Thank you for sharing so much about D1, san.  I know it must be difficult and painful to talk about that given all the extra freight that comes with the parent-child relationship.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 28, 2021, 03:02:28 PM...it doesn't matter who the person is, we deserve to be treated kindly, gently, respectfully, with care and support.  the cultural messages you mentioned can do a lot to prevent people from doing what is truly best for them.

I especially appreciate this part.  I needed to hear this today because my mother is texting me today and the cultural messages cut both ways. 

Can also relate heavily to " just don't know if i have enough lifetime left to tackle it all".  I think about that a lot, especially during times of progress.  Tackle whatever we can we must, and hopefully we will have enough moments of peace and gratitude going forward to make it worthwhile. 

:hug:

bee, thanks for your vote of confidence.  i know logically it's worth it, but i'm sick of spending so much of my waking moments feeling ill, physically weak and tired, or in pain of some kind.  i'll keep going cuz right now i can't afford to stop.   :hug:

bach, the only reason i continue to tackle it is for exactly what you said - perhaps there will finally be enough moments of peace to make it worthwhile.  i pretty much live my life in gratitude, so that part's already there.  one foot in front of the other - it's all i've ever known, i think.  enjoy the laughs when they come, and simply slog through the rest.   :hug:

this stuff with icky laurie became overwhelming today.  i had to stop processing cuz the anger toward her i didn't know i had - rage, really, burning hot white rage - came out in my mind.  i began pummeling her, and it all became too intense.  i think i'm going to have to go with the emdr flash technique to finish her up.  it's just too big.  altho i've done anger work on her before, this was what i believe had been stored away, pushed down, becuz besides being my T, she was also my boss, and i couldn't afford to lose my job.  it's all so horribly intertwined, i don't trust my mind to be able to contain it or release it without damage. 

i'm feeling miserable tonite, have been shaky and wobbly all day after my session, and it hasn't improved like it often has in the past.  i'll call my T tomorrow if i don't feel better after sleeping.  the 2 examples i gave my T today showed how a woman can be a misogynist.  my T acknowledged it, which was so validating.  she held me to a different standard than she did for my ex, betraying me, humiliating me in front of him, showing partiality toward him and his feelings, pinning the blame on me for his sex addiction.  dang, no wonder i'm reduced to so much self-doubt and anxiety and confusion in my life.  my T is especially upset about this, so angry that a T would treat a client in this way.  she said, as much as she's pissed about and disgusted by my ex and what he'd done, this feels personal. 

on a brighter note, we found a place that will pick up our dead car and give us more money than we expected.  just found out today, it was a fluke (i thought) that i found online and filled out an online application.  never expected to hear from them, but they contacted my D and it's for real.  they're coming tomorrow, check in hand.  i was relieved nearly to tears.  quite the emotional day. 

Oh San. It's just awful what she did to you on a human level and an ethical, moral, professional level.

I can't even imagine what it felt like to be so overcome by that rage you describe and what an awful feeling it must be and so unfamiliar for you to feel it so purely. But also, that seems pretty important that you were able to get those intense emotions out in the open for a short visit.

Check in hand!!!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

You deserve that small break.

Ok San...a hug that will hold you for as very long as you want. We've got you.  :bighug:

thanks, armee, for that glorious hug.  started my morning off just right.  and also thank you for caring about me. you are a wonderful addition to my life. :hug:

feeling a bit more stable today, but i'm taking the day off as much as possible.  yesterday all my muscles felt like they'd been hit by a truck, so i'm postponing my workout till tomorrow.  just need some time. 

we're hoping they'll come today for the car.  yesterday we went to clean it out, discovered the battery is dead.  well, no wonder - it's been sitting there for 3 months, and with everything else going on, we never thought to start it up every few days.  that's the task for today - walk downstairs, meet the driver, exchange title and check and watch them take it away.  i so wish we could not pay that woman who sold us this car her last check. my D is too honest and aboveboard, even as every single person she knows has told her not to make this last payment.  everyone's mad at this woman for holding us to the contract for a car that lasted 4 months!

anyway, it'll be good to get that elephant off our backs, and the money we get will go straight into savings for a car of our own. 

dang, that would be so nice.

geez, it's been so long, i just remembered about our healing porch.  i'm on my way.  i can picture the crispness of fall in the air, asters and mums, leaves turning red, orange, yellow, and a cheery fire either on the beach or, for me, in the cabin.  lots of warm throws to snuggle into, my rocking chair, warm muffins and sweet butter.  we can sit quietly or casually chat, watch the geese going south in the sky.   fish are jumping in the lake, and i might go out to try to catch a few for dinner.  anyone's welcome to join me for a break from all this.

San, thank you for speaking about the healing porch.  That description brought me comfort. 

I am looking forward to that car being out of your lives, too. It would feel so awful to keep paying for something that stopped working and caused so much hardship and trauma. Good riddance at least to the physical reminder.

Your daughter sounds like such a kind person, like her mom.

Good job taking a rest day AND reviving the healing porch.  A gift to us all.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2021, 02:46:38 PM
  i can picture the crispness of fall in the air, asters and mums, leaves turning red, orange, yellow, and a cheery fire either on the beach or, for me, in the cabin.  lots of warm throws to snuggle into, my rocking chair, warm muffins and sweet butter.  we can sit quietly or casually chat, watch the geese going south in the sky.   fish are jumping in the lake, and i might go out to try to catch a few for dinner.  anyone's welcome to join me for a break from all this.

This is beautiful.  Lovely imagery and I feel comforted by your words.  Sending you a big hug,  :bighug:

Hope  :)

rainy, the healing porch has been  a big help to a lot of us here.  it's magic.  glad you found some comfort in my description.  you know it's a real thing here on the forum, right?  one of our past members started it and it's grown to include everyone's idea of comfort, rest, and a break from all we go thru.   :hug:

armee, the car finally left yesterday, now we're waiting for the check to clear the bank.  the stress has been immeasurable once again.   :hug:

hope, thanks so much for the compliment.  love that big hug - feels like my heart is being embraced. :hug:

horrible 2 days waiting for the car to be picked up.  they never showed the first day, we had to call.  very difficult to manage the stress of it all, terrible nite last nite - felt like stress flu miserable.  at least we got more for the car than we expe4cted, which is nice.  just about covers the amount we've been paying to that woman after the fact.  dang, i so want to not pay her the final payment, due this month.  everyone's been telling my D the same thing. 

so, i'm out of commission for a bit.  this stuff hits me so hard.  it feels like my entire system has been filled to the brim with past stress, so any little added measure overflows the works.  i don't think i've had a fully good day for years and years and years.  so very tired of this.

Yay to the car being gone at least! Though I wish you hadn't had to go through the additional stress of them not showing up the day they were supposed to.

You deserve a fully good feeling day. You deserve a lot of them all in a row. You've put in so much work and given so much.  Even when I don't get many of them, having one sprinkled here and there is a useful compass to know what I am aiming for and that it exists.

In the meantime while we wait for that  day to show up I am wishing for at least some good hours here and there to keep the orientation.

If it is helpful and welcome I'm sending you lots of good thoughts that you'll get your good day soon where things just feel right and peaceful and joyful. 

i love your good thoughts for me, armee.  thanks so much.  it would be great, that's for sure. :hug:

hey san,

Thinking of you as your "wait out" the weekend and for your check. When I've had to endure this kind of stress, it feels horrible, unsettled, vulnerable and queasy. Can't offer anything but empathy and encouragement for coming through it.

thanks, bee - you hit all those feelings right on the nose! 

the check cleared!  :cheer:  one more thing we don't have to deal with.

we had to do some massive shopping on sat. my D's friend came to taxi us around for errands.  it took about 6 hrs. to do everything we had to do, as we won't have a car available again until possibly next month.  we found a different food bank which did give us lots of good stuff, but we also had to supplement things at the store like cat food/litter, and other foodstuffs that weren't provided.  i thank the stars for these food pantries, tho.  they've really helped us stay afloat these past few years.

all in all, i'm doing better, more energy to walk and work out, which makes me feel good.  i've also been able to begin writing again, also a feel-good move.  my main concern right now is my D's mental/emotional health.  she is basically broken, and is applying for disability.  she's only just realized what an impact her anxiety has had on her life, starting about 20 yrs. ago, how many jobs she's had to leave, how many losses she's experienced, and the trauma of several relationships.

i'm trying to talk her into saying she has c-ptsd (i believe she does, but she hasn't wanted to admit to anything because she hasn't wanted to be broken in the same way as her sister or even me.)  usually any ptsd talk is understood, is known re: the debilitating effects it can have on a person.  i hope she gets it, am praying every day that she does, so she can get some money coming in each month. it would be a godsend, for sure, to allow her to not be pressured by deadlines or cranky authors (she's an editor for others), some of whom have shattered her in the past.  please, anyone who is able, send some good vibes her way to enable this to happen for her.  thanks.

also, it's my birthday thurs., the 7th.  74, which is hard to believe.  i told her that i would love to have a difficult gift from her - that she treat herself as gentle as she treats me.  she's so hard on herself, doubting if she really is broken or just lazy and doesn't want to work.  it's breaking my heart to see and hear her like this.  she's struggled most all her life trying to be 'normal', and has gotten kicked in the butt time and time again.  well, we all know how that goes.

so, not much energy to respond to others here right now, but i will when i can.  love to you all.

Hi SanMagic,
I am sending some good vibes your daughter's way, and also your way too.  You both deserve lots of good vibes, and love and support in oodles.  So that's what I wish for you both at this time and going forward.   :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

Sending so many good vibes and hugs if they are wanted to you and D. I am sending lots of wishes for acceptance as hard as it is...that your D will accept that this is hard that there is a reason it is hard and that it has a name and she deserves some space to recover. It isn't lazy. I'm in the same boat as her right now though I've been rowing it for 3 years. I was so so opposed to the idea I was traumatized or hurt or not functioning above average. My T couldn't even say that word to me...trauma. no. There's no trauma. I'm being stupid. I'm anxious. I'm over-reacting. It sounds like this is about where D may be. Now I'm seeing wow I have really been struggling for a long long time. I am exhausted because this trauma has required me to work at least 20 times harder than other people. Yes I can do it, but at an enormous cost. So I have hope that she can come around. I help out against this acceptance because the aversion of being like my mom and hurting my kids was so so strong. But I've gotten there.

You San are a good sweet mom and that...the wish that your D would be kind and gentle with herself... is the most loving gift a mom could wish for her child.

Happy early birthday San. 74! That is a huge accomplishment and I am so glad you are here.




:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

San, wishing you a happy birth week. 

hope, you're so precious.  thanks for the 'oodles' - i loved that!  :hug:

armee, you hit those thoughts and feelings right on the nose.  hugs are always wanted as far as i'm concerned, so thank you for both them and the good vibes.  that exhaustion and overall fatigue is exactly what my D has struggled with for most of her life.  i'm so glad you've gotten there, tho.  she's making her way to that point, too, slowly but surely.  and, thanks for the birthday wishes.  i love birthdays!  :hug:

rainy, thanks for the good wishes this week.  so far, so good.  :hug:

it's starting to feel like whack-a-mole again.  i've been getting into some of these issues and experiences on a deeper level, settling them and being able to put them aside, but others are coming back now.  done a lot of work lately on icky laurie, which is good, but now i'm noticing going to sleep is becoming problematic once more, and thoughts of my ex (specifically my D's father) are poking their way into my consciousness once more.  plus, every so often, thoughts about my ex #1 have shown up.

there is so much more to do, it's kind of frightening to think about it.  i've packed away and compartmentalized so much - not only the realizations of what impact these people have had on my sense of self and how i see the world, but also how very very much these people treated me badly.  i feel a bit like a ship gone astray in a storm, being slammed into one rocky shore after another.  i work hard at getting off one rocky coast, when i get battered against another one. 

the idea that these rocks carry with them the actualization of not only incidents but emotions/thoughts/feelings that had been crushed into a thin paste laying on layers of my mind makes this journey even more difficult.  sessions with my T go well, the disturbance of an incident is reduced, feelings, etc. come up (some of which i can even feel), and things feel pretty settled, or at least contained.  i've visualized having all these people in their own cages, but they keep popping out.  ugh!  too many, too much over too long a time. 

my D says she's noticed changes in my self, my confidence, my perspective, and that speaks to the work i've done plus the environment she's provided for me.  maybe this stuff continues to pop up because of that, but also because i now have a T who's got my back.  the safety factor.  it's wonderful to feel safer, but, dang, it also makes room for allowing the nasties to show their faces, one after another.  no wonder i'm exhausted after writing about any of this here, but also after a session.  so much brain energy being used.  whew!

San,
You were away because of your move and then I was away because of my new job. I'm just now getting back and starting to catch up. I thought of you and prayed for you during your transition.

Hope your birthday is special. You are a very special person.
:cake: :bighug:

Happy birthday!!!!! 74 years of wisdom gained and warmth shared.  :cheer:

hey, notalone, your thoughts and prayers are truly appreciated.  and thanks for the birthday wishes!   :hug:

armee, thank you for the birthday wishes and also for the kind words.   :hug:

my b-day was great.  i loved it.  nothing special, just watched tv shows my D and i love, ate wonderful food (falafel and gyros) which i hadn't had in ages, and am now officially on the road to 3/4 of a century.  amazing to think of that!

therapy this morning.  gotta jump in and tackle more issues with my ex - he's been the latest whack-a-mole to continue to pop up.

got a wave of sadness/depression/something yesterday afternoon.  i don't know why these waves come and go.  the night before my b-day, i was hit was a load of anxiety.  got news yesterday that the first part of my application for being seen as disabled (in order to be able to get door-to-door transportation from the county) was completed, and i have an appt. for a phone interview on the 19th.  usually this service applies to the physically disabled, so i'm going to have to sell myself as being emotionally distressed enough that i couldn't ride public transportation alone.  which i couldn't, i know that.

this crapola just gets into my head and spins it around ala the exorcist.

san

Belated birthday wishes for sampling all the foods you haven't eaten in a while. That gyro reminds me of the good old days (sour cream, onions, lamb, lettuce). 

Quoteit's wonderful to feel safer, but, dang, it also makes room for allowing the nasties to show their faces, one after another.

Yup, I agree. If you find a variable speed switch, like on my electric drill, let me know. This is the down side of recovery IMO.

thanks, bee, for the belated wishes.  they still count!  not finding any switch yet, but, yep, i agree.  downside, indeed.

did some processing on icky laurie today.  i had to do an active intervention on the memory i worked on - had to rip out her innards to find the butterflies and flowers that were the parts of me she shredded out of me.  we decided she was both cult leader and brainwasher, breaking me down to i would continue to follow her blindly.  it's an awful thought, and i'm jumping out of my skin with nerves now.  i feel terrible.

San, I hate the "jumping out of my skin" feeling. Do you own a weighted blanket? Sometimes that helps me.

i do have a weighted blanket on my bed, sleep under it every nite. it's helped me feel embraced, cuddled, swaddled, which is something apparently i've been craving all my life.   just did some meds and a little smoke out on the patio.  we'll see if that helps.  i don't get this feeling very often, but it's one of the worst in my experience.  thank you for your thoughts, not alone. :hug:

 :grouphug:

I know a version of that feeling, too, San and it is awful. It is what causes me to jump out of bed after a flashback or nightmare. Trying to escape the feeling, but it is inside. Hoping for some good rest for you tonight. Icky L does sound like a brainwashing cult leader. It makes me sick to think she was triple playing you as therapist, boss, and couples therapist.

Excuse me I'm just going to puke her out right here, throw some ultra clumping cat litter on top, scoop that mess up into a triple layer garbage bag, tie it off, and heave it into a giant smelly dumpster and walk away.

notalone, thanks for the hugs - they're great!   :hug:

armee, i loved that whole visual of what you did about icky l.  it made me smile and warmed my heart that you would take it upon yourself to do such a thing on my account.  loved it, love you! :hug:

yesterday was pretty stressful, felt out of sorts all day, but this morning i got some good sleep (maybe cuz of the extra meds i took yesterday to help me thru.) and feel better.  was able to work out, so got my muscles moving and, because i do it so fast, got some cardio in as well.  that is a really good feeling to me.  a nice way to start the day, for sure.

so, more upbeat than it seems i've been in quite a while.  dealing w/ the icky l stuff was draining.  i'm glad i'm able to see pictures in my mind cuz the violent acts i've done to her are an indication of how much anger i must have inside, even if i can't feel and express it outside.  still, it feels like progress.  next week we're going to start on some of the crossover crapola - times where icky l was doing therapy on my and my ex as a couple, and on me as a wife (where she tries to make me responsible for his addiction).  it will feel so good to clean that junk out. 


******************  TW  ****************  inappropriate thoughts by my ex to my daughters



besides that particular session, there was also one where my ex lusted after my D1 when she was 7.  i told icky l about it in our next session, and her response was 'that is not appropriate'. it was never brought up again, never addressed, never exdplored, he was never told he had more of a problem that needed to be dealt with than what he was presenting - all in all, he was coddled with one sentence and it was never taken care of.  that meant that thru the years, he did more of it.



*****************end TW******************


ok, gotta stop.   this is making me sick to my stomach.  can't wait to get this one done and dusted.

Hey san,

I haven't read your latest post except to see you feel sick. I hope that passes soon.




I know I'm late with it, but Happy Birthday!  :cake: :bighug: :fireworks: :fireworks:

aww, thanks blueberry. lovelovelove the fireworks and the big, embracing hug.  feels very personal.

yeah, the sick feeling went away.  it just got roiled up when i was talking about what i was working on. i feel a lot better.  thank you. :hug:

i'm not quite back to my walking routine - walking in the morning right after i get up - but i've been able to pick up my workout routine again, and am progressing, so that feels good.  my birthday caused me a lot of anxiety, don't know exactly why, and a lot of feel-good feelings that apparently were difficult for me to be with.  plus, the next day was therapy, which really twizzled my stick, but am feeling more stable now.

there's more to go on the icky l front, and i'm not looking forward to it, but i think because we're now getting into memories that involve my ex, he's been popping up more often.  had to get out of bed this morning, get my day started, in order to distract myself from my thoughts of him.  these intrusive thoughts are so difficult to manage, so frustrating cuz i don't want to think about him (or any of it) yet he invades my mind anyway.  i hate it so. 

tues. is my next therapy session, and i don't doubt it'll bring more of the same sick-to-my-stomach feelings, distress, disgust (that just popped into my mind) because of having to deal with the 2 of them at the same time.  not looking forward to it, but i hate living like this even more.  happily, the images that came up about icky l have faded and are not disturbing.  that's the emdr working, and i'm so glad it is.  i've been carrying too much for too long - no wonder i'm in the condition i'm in.  hopefully, as i continue with this, i'll continue to lose the anxiety, depressive episodes, and the 'punch' to my being that these images batter me with.

san,

I've been thinking all day how I might respond, to let you know I'm beside you in the journey. That's what you need to know.

Some of your history with your ex, like the one today, and your incompetent "therapist's" comment hit close for me. I have similar history with taking concerns about my D's vulnerability to "authorities" to have it go nowhere. I've been through it.

Your tenacity in addressing  everything and the way you endure all the feelings and memories that spew out is remarkable. The way you keep climbing to the surface after setbacks and the care and concern you show for your D and all the people here is so genuine and compassionate. I believe that you will soon be where you want to be.

I agree with Bee, that your ability to keep moving through all this painful history that brings up such intense and sickening feelings is remarkable. I agree with you, San, that it is worth it for the resolution it will bring as long as you can handle the journey and stay mostly right side up, which you can and are. And you know when to take.a break.

I felt really sad and sickened just to read about what happened with not having your concerns about ex and D taken seriously. 😪

bee, i'm glad to have you on this journey with me.  thanks so much for that.  having such concerns about our D's being dismissed or ignored is one of the grossest examples of incompetence i can think of.  so very sorry you went thru something similar.  it hurts a mother's heart.  and, thank you for your encouraging words.  they are so appreciated. 

armee, thank you so for all your encouragement and support.  always there, and i appreciate that a lot.   :hug:

this morning feelings of worthlessness arose to my consciousness.  this is rather disturbing because i haven't had neg. feelings about myself to deal with in my life.  no shame, no blaming myself for what's happened, no self-doubt, nothing like that.  yet, the idea of feeling worthless popped up - why wasn't i worth enough to these people to treat me kindly?  i never asked for much, was extremely patient when they showed their own peccadillos, their anger, their flaws, yet consistently i wasn't shown the same respect or concern.  in fact, from everyone i've decided to eliminate in my life, the expectations always seemed to be ramped up, no matter how brutal the emotional/mental/verbal beating.  i just don't get it.

hence, the feeling of worthlessness, i guess.  i also find that, while watching a show about 2 people loving each other, i kept saying 'put a ring on it', meaning i wanted a tangible example of commitment.  thoughts kept rumbling thru my head, and i finally grabbed them, realized i don't trust a relationship to continue . . .  wait, i'm not worthy of steadfast love! . . . without a commitment.  i couldn't understand how they could be so sure of each other, could truly depend on the other person waiting for them, being true to them.  and now tears are welling up.  i didn't know this was inside me, had always brushed any wisps of it away, but now it's hitting me with full force.  o my heart and soul.

 :hug: :hug:

thanks for the hugs, blueberry.  they feel warm and genuine. :hug:

worked on the self-worth thing yesterday with my T.  in one sense it was dreadful - the idea that so many long-term people in my life made me feel worthless in varying ways, some of which were not just dismissive but downright cruel, really messed up my mind (my T pointed this out to me.  too many over too long a period of time is going to cause a neg. way of thinking.  it was also the fact that this wasn't just men, like i was playing out my daddy issues, but women as well - friend, daughter, therapist.  the enormity and mass off it all.  there was no reason for cruelty - i never deserved that.

while processing this, i was able to turn this around in my mind, gain a new perspective that was kinder to myself.  i know i didn't deserve such treatment, and i am worth others' time and energy.  the new perspective included the fact that these were horrible people, and they did this to me, not because i wasn't worth their time and energy, but because they had their own dramas to play out on anyone willing to stick around. 

at one point my T said 'i want you to know you are worth it' and i immediately burst into tears.  hearing it said with such assuredness, such authority, and such strength simply broke down my defenses against it.  i told her it was hard to hear, but also wonderful at the same time.  she was able to break thru my barrier with those few words. 

so, while still a bit wobbly today, i feel better.  one thought crossed my mind later in the day.  i was raised believing that my worth was based on what i did, rather than just being me.  i believe, looking back, that i have constantly 'over given' in relationships in order to not only prove my worth, but to get people to want to give to me as much as i've given to them.  when i would get dumped, left, pushed out by others, it simply said to me that i wasn't doing enough, and i worked harder at doing more in the next relationship.  i was the best friend, mother, partner, employee i could possibly be, but it seemed that it was never enough.  therefore, the conclusion i came to was i was never enough, not good enough, not worth enough.

turning this around, putting it on the people and institutions, shows me another side, one that is gentler to me.  while i wasn't perfect, altho that's what i kept striving to be cuz that's what i believed was expected of me (we can go all the way back to my F's expectations of me as a baby - my M told me when i was an adult that she actually told him (she was pregnant w/ my S at the time) to go easier on this next baby.  i wasn't 2 yrs. old yet, so i can't imagine the expectations he'd already laid on me, or how strict he'd been with me before i could even talk.  an example of pre-verbal trauma, i guess.

at any rate, allowing the faulty thought processes to lie with the others in my life takes that unwieldy burden off my shoulders.  i want to say it's freeing, but i'm not quite there yet.

That's such a beautiful and truthful thing your T said to you. And I relate to all that striving to be worthy I've had some moments where that has just been so prominent that it shocks me.

You are very very worthwhile, just existing. I'm glad you are here.

Busrting into tears!!!! Way to go!  :hug:

 :bighug:

hey, armee,

thank you so for your continuing support.  so appreciated. :hug:

owl, loved that big hug.  it felt so embracing.  thank you. :hug:

so far, so good today.  my D and i had a moment yesterday.  while watching a show where someone was envious of another (everybody likes you!) she and i stopped, reiterated how much of that we'd both gone thru in our lives.  people envious of us because we're likeable, outgoing, people gravitate to us, etc.  we've both had multiple people in our lives who, instead of being happy for what we had (which was never very much materially - it all had to do with relationships) they were mad at us, expressed their anger in various ways, and even sulked about it.  i mentioned that it was like 'what do you want me to do?  be miserable like you?  will that make you feel better? ' and always felt that they were sucking the life force out of us.  she agreed.

living under this umbrella of envy from others - men, friends, relatives, didn't matter - has been draining.  part of the problem was, i believe, that we did do a lot to help others get out of their own funk and gave and gave and gave, made excuses for their behavior, etc.  while it's nice to have someone to bond with over this,  it's also sad that we were somehow punished for being who we were.   and there's that topic again - people wouldn't stick around because i wasn't enough for them, whether it was because i didn't give enough or i loved life and people and they didn't.  so confusing. 

this makes it frightening (just came to mind) to get close to anyone.  what a sad thought for me.  can't trust that this won't happen again.  i can count at least 6 significant people in my life who projected their insecurities (another new thought) onto me, jealous/envious of me and how i got along with others, how i gathered others into my life.  my mex. hub was the only significant  person in my life who was so happy to see me make friends with mexican people and to have them like me, not just because i was his wife but because of who i was.  that is a comforting thought.  the rest can go suck themselves.

 ;D

Amen to that last sentiment, San Magic!

anxiety attack tonite.  just trying to get tired enough now to sleep.

talked w/ my D about our disability interviews coming up next week.  i was so worried about her being hesitant about how everything has affected her, but she's got a plan, has accepted all of it now, so that relieved me.  hers is about disability benefits each month, but she's not holding out much hope - heard they're very difficult to get and even if it does go thru it takes a long time.  mine is to enable me to get door to door transportation from the city, which would be so helpful since we have no car.  the anxiety is just ramping up over both these.  now that i think of it, even if i don't get what i'm going for, if she's deemed disabled (she's finally being able to see how her anxiety has been a problem since high school), she'd be eligible for the transportation as well.

at any rate, fingers crossed and prayers flying!  this would bring so much relief to us, so much peace to us and our sense of well-being, and so much opportunity for healing.  having to worry about how we can get to the food bank or store or post office is still so stressful.   my chest is so tight right now. 

Hi SanMagic,
I hope that you and your daughter get the outcome you're hoping for regarding the disability interviews - fingers crossed for you both. 

Sorry to hear you had an anxiety attack last night, and I really hope that you were able to get some sleep. 

Sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

My fingers are so so crossed for both of you.

I'm sorry you had an anxiety attack last night. Such a yucky feeling.

How long does it take to get the findings?

Praying for disability benefits for you and your D.  :grouphug:

hope, armee, notalone, thank you all for the well wishes and the hugs.  i love them and back atcha!    :hug: :hug: :hug:

i'm in such a state right now, anxious, panicky.  found some plaque on my scalp and i flashed to my cancer 4 yrs. ago on the other side of my scalp.  no doc, no way to get to a doc, no money for a doc.  don't want to tell my D my fears cuz she's in such a bad place right now.  if i get the ride share thing-y 'ok' on tues., at least i'll have transportation, but right now it's exhausted me so much i can't think straight.  dammit, one friggin' thing after another.  i hope this is just a skin growth - i have a lot of moles that have been appearing (old age skin stuff), and i lived with the other cancer for over 10 yrs., so i don't want to worry, but sheeese!  i can hardly bear this anymore.  i frickin' need some peace!!!!

Oh my gosh San this makes me feel so so sad. I want you to be ok and get that checked out as soon as you can. 😪 I hate that there are so many barriers and that there should be a way for you to have that looked at but I know there are so many cracks in the medical safety net in so many places.

It would be better to know, than not know and worry.

And then a separate post for this:

:bighug:

This hug lasts as long as needed.

armee, your words and that hug were perfect.  yep, i'd like to get it checked out, will do so when i can.  for the moment, i feel better than i did last nite.  i just dove into panic mode.  my skin has a lot of moles and such on it now (my D says i'm now polka-dotted), and i think this is just part of that whole thing, so i'm not going to worry.  but thank you so for your response. :hug:

was able to shower and work out today, so that feels better.  honestly, i just do deep dives nowadays at any little thing that is out of the ordinary.  plus, my disability phone call is tomorrow, and i believe i'm more stressed than i actually feel.  that'll send anyone over the edge quite quickly.  and i tend to write whatever it is here in order to get it out of me, at least for a little while. 

so, onward.  deep breath and *sigh*

Good luck with your call tomorrow. I can just imagine how nerve-wracking that must feel. I hope it goes well.

thank you, owl.  fingers crossed! :hug:

i'm feeling very unstable right now.  too much stress.  as i'm winding down for sleep tonite, lots of anxiety about things i've posted, especially toward others, has arisen.  i feel like i'm overstepping my bounds, not coming across right, saying things i shouldn't say.  i don't know.  i've got to step away for a few days.  too much too much.

San, it stinks that you have another thing to deal with. You already have so much on your plate.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 18, 2021, 03:43:07 PM
i just do deep dives nowadays at any little thing that is out of the ordinary.  plus, my disability phone call is tomorrow, and i believe i'm more stressed than i actually feel.  that'll send anyone over the edge quite quickly.  and i tend to write whatever it is here in order to get it out of me, at least for a little while.

I completely relate to "deep dives over anything out of the ordinary." I'm glad your writing here to get some relief from the intensity of your feelings.
Thinking of you and your phone call.

Oh San.  :hug:

I'm thinking of you today during your appointment. Stepping away if it reduces stress for you right now sounds very worthwhile. But I also want to assure you that you have never ever overstepped your bounds in what you've written in my journal. I have learned so so much from you there and here, and appreciate and savor every thoughtful word of it. It is filled with empathy, deep understanding, care, and emotion. I get filled with self doubt here, too, because it is a delicate balance to show up for each other, not get overwhelemed, and to not overwhelm others.

I'm thinking of you San while you wait for things to settle out. You are a worthwhile empathetic and dear friend.

notalone, thank you.  sorry, tho, that you experience something similar.  that, as you say, stinks. :hug:

armee, beautiful words, heartfelt to the core.  thank you. :hug:

i qualified for the disabled transportation, but it was extremely emotional and difficult.  My D was also worn out from it as she had to speak for me several times cuz my brain was freezing.  thanks to all for your thoughts, for being with me, and your good wishes.  so appreciated.  now we have my D's fed. disability application on thurs.  that will probably be worse, take longer, and who knows what's going to happen.  fingers crossed and prayers flying.  it would make all the difference to her life and ability to take a breath and get her feet back under her.  meanwhile, she has a great trauma therapist (mine) who i know will help her going forward.

i'm exhausted.  this will continue to be a rough week to get through.  my instability keeps hanging on.

 :hug:

I'm relieved you got the transportation disability approved. One thing right!!!  :cheer: :cheer:

Good luck getting through today and tomorrow!  :grouphug:

 :hug:

San, I appreciate you sharing the successes and ongoing hurdles to receive supports.  I have been thinking about this a lot how our society isn't set up to readily allow others to access what they need to make a situation work for them.  Instead we have stigma, paperwork, time, lack of understanding, lack of compassion, etc.  I hope that we are all moving together toward a place where folks can have accessible spaces and situations without it being an exception. 

I'm so glad that disability transportation was approved. Praying that your D's disability is approve.  :grouphug:

I'm glad it got approved for you  :hug:

armee, thanks for all the hugs.  :hug:

rainy, it sure would be nice.  thanks for the support. :hug:

thanks, notalone, i hope so, too. :hug:

thanks owl.  so am i!  :hug:

still feeling quite unstable, don't trust myself or my energy to respond to anyone, except much love and many hugs to you all!   :grouphug:

Dear SanMagic,
This hug is for you,  :hug: 

Sending you much love and many hugs. 

Hope  :)

 :bighug:

hope, thanks for the love and hugs - you warmed my heart. :hug:

armee, thanks for the hug.  back atcha! :hug:

my last several therapy sessions have shown me how terribly traumatized i've been, its impact on me and my mental/emotional health, and how this alexithymia beast has compounded my ability to process memories.  i selected my pregnancy with my D2 and her father (my ex), which was fraught with lack of any kind of compassion or connection from him, and it completely blew up.  not only were there layers of memories connected to the pregnancy, the birth, and also the aftermath (during which i suffered from severe post-partum depression, there were also the unfelt emotions of hurt and pain they produced.

i have been reeling since tues., have had 3 sessions this week because the processing impacted me so monstrously, and am still on very shaky ground.  i even asked my T if what i'm going thru is because i'm making too much of it all, she said that was impossible, that my reactions have all been due to the force of the trauma, and the extent of it.  both my pregnancies were less than ideal (hub #1 left the marriage when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, hub #2 - my D2's father - wanted to have no interaction w/ me surrounding being pregnant.  he said hurtful things while i was pregnant, refused to take part in any pre-childbirth activities or information, and, even tho he was present in the delivery room, he was there in body only. 

of course, he thinks he did good by being there, but because there was no nothing from him during the ordeal, it left me feeling more alone than if he hadn't been there.  so, while processing just this experience w/ my hub #1, all the emotions and feelings i would normally have felt, been cognizant of at the time, but didn't, came out in a rush, overwhelming me.  both my t and i believed keeping the processing to just the one pregnancy would be a small enough piece, but, unfortunately, even that was too much for my system, and i felt not only the emotions of pain and hurt, i also experienced physical pain throughout my body.

my forehead felt like i'd been kicked by a mule, and my entire body was so tense, my legs felt like planks.  in fact, they went out on me for a day and a half and i could barely walk. we decided today to use flash method so as to override the emotional aspect, and that helped, but i am still shaky and down because of the entire experience.  i hadn't realized just how much pain and hurt i'd endured over the past 40 yrs. because of being pregnant with a misogynistic NPD.  as the father.  i'm feeling pretty low right now, helpless and hopeless.  my T has even made herself available to me over the weekend if i can't pull out of this on my own. 

these people who have hurt us like this, no matter that they had trauma in their background, had no right to treat us so monstrously.  they chose to, and for that, in my mind, it's unforgiveable.  if the universe or whatever wants to bestow forgiveness on this man who has caused me unspeakable pain, agony, confusion, self-doubt, i'll let them do it.  i only want him dead.

That sounds so so emotionally and physically intense, San Magic. I can imagine how incredibly draining processing any memory of pregnancy and childbirth would be, just the regular aspects of pregnancy and childbirth and then adding the trauma on top. Ouch. Rest up, little San. I have the feeling of wanting to wipe your damp hair off your forehead and pulling a blanket up over your shoulders.

yeah, armee, that would've been so nice.  thanks for the thought.  brings tears to my eyes for what could have and should have been.  :hug:

San, I'm sorry for the incredible pain and trauma you experienced with your pregnancies. Your T is correct, you are not making too much of it. What you went through was awful and so aloning. (The computer doesn't think that "alone-ing" is a word, but it should be.)

Do all you can to take care of yourself with kindness and tenderness. I wish I lived near you. I would come over and make something warm and comforting to eat, cover you with a soft blanket, and then hold you or listen to you or watch something safe with you; whatever else would bring you comfort.

notalone, thank you for the validation, the support, and the caring.  i agree that aloning should be a word - it works so well for what we've been thru at times.  your offer brought tears to my eyes because it's exactly the kind of care one would expect from a concerned and caring husband.  but, i'll take it from you.  so very kind.  thanks. :hug:

 :hug:

San,

I wanted to come back and say I don't think you are overreacting. What you are experiencing is the result of severe trauma. All of it. So much. And when the trauma repeats, as it often does, it makes it so much worse. It like takes regular trauma and gives it an iron man suit with superpowers. And each time you take a small piece to work with...which is in and of itself deeply upsetting it brings all it's bad guy friends with it and they all team up on you. It sounds so overwhelming. And you're right...the alexithymia kept all this locked away and when it gets unlocked it just all comes full force. I'm sorry, San. You are so brave to keep going back so you can eventually feel better and heal some of those wounds. I'm cheering you on. And you are not bad to want him dead. Not at all.  :bighug:

notalone, thanks for the hug.  loved it, love you :hug:

armee, your words were so soothing and comforting.  once more, wounded and injured people here on this forum continue to be caring human beings.  i haven't had enough armee's in my life.  thank you. :hug:

i'm still rattled.  this has taken much more of a toll on me than i expected.  i think, going forward, i'm going to have to process each specific memory that has to do with him that still holds a 'punch' for me.  it's what i did with icky L, which really did work well.  i've been able to clear memories from the impact they had on my psyche, but only when i did them one at a time.  this whole pregnancy thing became such an avalanche of so much pain and hurt, something i never expected, which, again, is why i think it overwhelmed me to such a great extent.  back to the drawing board, little by little, picture by pivcture. 

altho i released a lot of pain/hurt i'd absorbed from before, and i know it was good to let it out, i couldn't believe how much was in there.  and i'm now afraid to even guess how much more there still might be inside me.  flash technique will help with that, i don't doubt, but it still leaves me rocked back on my heels.  this was such an eye-opener as to the extent of the trauma i endured throughout that relationship.  i still have some to go that includes instances when my ex and i were in couples therapy with icky L and i do want to see those thru.  it's a cleansing, one i've needed for a long, long time.  i mean, over 40 yrs. worth.

just that thought boggles my mind.  and it's also scary to what dark places it can take me  in the blink of an eye.  plus, as i get older, it seems i'm feeling the effects more acutely.  the mind is a wondrous thing, but it can only take so much before it either explodes or simply poops out.  my T says she's hopeful i'll be done with this in about 5 yrs.  i have no hope about that on my own.  it's not a very happy place to be. 

San, I agree the mind is wonderous and it does possess a limit beyond which there are consequences. And yet I've seen you be very aware of your limits and to push just to the edge and then to pause and scale back so you keep making progress without going beyond your mind's capacity to absorb the hurt and to heal that piece. Sometimes you are caught off guard by  what is unearthed and it's more than you expected and more than you can easily absorb, and you recalibrate your approach ease off without avoiding. I'm truly in awe watching you do this.

You've started to feel stuff. That's really remarkable, right? Overwhelming and uncomfortable and too much sometimes but wow!

:hug: I'm so sorry this avalanche tumbled over you, but I have faith in you.

Dear sanmagic, I just read about what you went through with your pregnancies, and how completely overwhelmed you were when trying to process the first one. I just feel so much compassion for you and what you went through, I am so very sorry that this was your experience. It makes sense it took every bit out of you, that must have been such a shock, and as you say you are still reeling from this right now.

I can well imagine how hopeless it must feel and that 5 years feels unlikely, because there is just so much and it's so intense. Do you think your T could possibly be making a decent estimate, or does it feel like she's overly optimistic? Even so, I can imagine just how discouraging this must feel. I would try not to focus on that too much, and focus on just coming back from this. Small steps at a time, and they will all add up.  :bighug:

armee, your words . . .well, they touched my heart.  i felt seen, even tho i could never have put my experience with this into words like you did.   it is remarkable, you're right, that i've begun to feel stuff - it does make me more human - but that pain and hurt was too much. i don't want to go thru that again.  hence, the flash technique now, to at least take that emotional punch out of a memory first before processing it.  whew!  thank you so, armee, for what you wrote.   :hug:

owl, thanks for the encouragement.  as for my T's prediction, she truly believes and holds hope for a recovery in 5 yrs.  i'll just go along, mainly cuz i haven't the foggiest.  i can't see it myself.  and thank you for that big hug - i felt embraced. :hug:

even tho i was able to process 3 small bits leading up to my pregnancy with my ex (D2) during therapy tues., i'm still shaky.  the worst is yet to come, and that scares me a bit.  flash technique first with regular emdr processing after the explosive stuff is alleviated seems like the recipe we need to use.  i've had to put a pause on several tv shows my D and i have been watching, including comedies, because they have pregnancy issues in them.  yesterday my legs still felt like lead. 

this has brought up anxiety around therapy again, which i really don't like.  i'm scared of being retraumatized during a session, or have physical ramifications after a session.  i suppose, tho, that i can connect my fibromyalgia muscle pain to the emotional pain i never felt, but absorbed nonetheless.  such a vicious circle.  i'm so very tired of this, yet i have to push myself to keep going.  this crapola is what made me sick in the first place, so i've got to do what i can to get it out of me.

i never felt anxiety like this until i finally got away from icky L.  looking back, tho, i know i was an anxious child.  i bit my nails down to the quick, and it wasn't until i went away to college that the nailbiting stopped, organically, and i discovered i have nice nails when they grow out.  never bit my nails again, but i also began drinking at that time.  i guess alcohol became my soothing grace, and the nailbiting wasn't necessary anymore. 

now that i think of it, at the time i was involved with icky L, i had also stopped drinking.  didn't see that correlation before.  interesting. 

 :hug:

I was afraid what I had said had hurt you in some way.

I hope you never have to go through that much pain in processing this stuff again. You're right...the whole idea is to process without retraumatizing and it sounds like what came up crossed that threshold. I'm so grateful you have the flash technique to use and that it helps soften the edges before you go in with full EMDR and I'm grateful you have shared the technique with us here.

Thinking of you and hoping for peace and resolution as soon as possible.

armee, not at all.  in fact, quite the opposite.  to be understood, seen, and heard is an extraordinary gift.  thank you for your kind thoughts and words. :hug:

still processing the pregnancy with my ex, his input and his lack of support.  so many memories that flood in.  i told my T i have to do this in the tiniest bits possible.

interestingly enough, one part we decided to flash through was still too much.  i dissociated during the flash process, had to stop.  we picked it apart into 2 pieces, and then i was able to flash thru each while following the flash with regular emdr processing.  that worked - in fact, i was able to visualize him becoming deflated like a balloon, becoming the size of a cockroach, which i proceeded to stomp on.  it felt very empowering, actually.

i then decided i couldn't destroy the entirety of him at that time because i still needed him for financial support, so it was only the hateful, hurtful part i squashed.  the rest of his doings will be taken apart and dealt with during future processing.  unfortunately, there's still more to do with the pregnancy, his action, words, neglect that continue to be connected to memories i can see and hear.  although i was able to skip over the crushing feelings of pain and hurt this time, i'm still very shaky and weak physically. 

one thing i took away from this past session is how completely impactful this slice of trauma has been on me.  so many levels in so many ways.  part of what is also difficult is that i can't talk to my D about any of this.  she has a relationship with him and doesn't know the entire story of how he treated me.  particularly difficult is when she's mentioned sociopaths, especially while we're watching tv.  she doesn't know that he is one also.  my gut is roiling just writing this out. 

another realization i had was about the tendency of NPD's to attack the most vulnerable.  in my case, it was while i was pregnant, a very vulnerable position for a woman.  the idea that he would say and do so many hateful, hurtful things to his pregnant wife is beginning to astound me.  so many NPD's go after children, who are vulnerable in so many ways.  pregnancy, i now understand, is another vulnerable space in a woman's life.  hmmm . . . my first hub just came to mind.  i have to stick that reminder into some compartment for now, cuz i can't deal with it at this time.  dang.

San, I appreciate you sharing about your experience.  That sounds like a lot to process and I admire you in facing this as well as giving your D space to experience things her way. 

It's really amazing and admirable work you and your T are doing. I'm impressed how you can find ways to pick it apart, process it slowly, and know where to draw boundaries like not yet mentally destroying all parts of your ex.

I'm sorry that you can't share this with your D. I can't imagine how painful it could be at times, even just knowing that relationship exists.

I also want to say I've been thinking of you and your D and hoping her disability is approved to give her a break and have a path for accepting what's happened.

thanks for your support, rainy. you're absolutely right - it is a lot to process.   :hug:

armee, i don't really know how painful it is at times not to talk to my D about this, give her the full story about why i am so brutally out of sorts.  can't feel the pain, but i've had glimpses of it.  i think it would be too overwhelming.  thank you for your kind words and thoughts about how i'm processing all this, and your hopes for my D's disability benefits.  i pray for that every day. :hug:

my muscles have taken a beating throughout this past week.  haven't been able to work out, walk outdoors, or barely even lift my left arm at times.  it's like they've been poisoned with some type of snake venom, and i have to wait till it makes its way out of my system.  am drinking lots of water to help it along, but, man alive, i did not expect this. 

on the brighter side, it seems that i have become desensitized somewhat to how a partner responds to his pregnant woman.  i've been able to resume watching one of our shows that i'd had to put on hold, so that tells me something right is happening in my brain/mind, even if my muscles are carrying the brunt of the pain right now.

can i survive this for even another 2 years without going fetal?  i've mentioned a couple times that next year will mark 3/4 of a century for me, and each time i said it, i'd get an uneasy feeling.   i hope that goes away and everything works out well.  but, it scared me.

San, I hope your muscles and the leisure activities continue to feel more easeful.  As you approach the event next year, I am reflecting on how grateful I am for the wisdom, vulnerability, and guidance you offer in the community.  I am glad to be in community with you.

Hi SanMagic,
I really hope that your muscles are able to relax and allow you to feel better, that sounds tough to have that 'snake venom' kind of experience, and I really hope it makes its way out of your system and that you feel better. 

Glad to hear you're able to start watching one of the shows you had previously put on hold. 

Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

I'm glad you're making progress, even if your whole body is aching right now.  :grouphug:

rainy, awww, that was so sweet to say that.  thank you.  i'm glad you're part of this community as well. :hug:

hey, hope, i actually looked up lactic acid in muscles, and it sounded like what happened to me.  i thought i was doing my workouts right, timing and rest for each muscle worked, but i think, for one thing, i'm in need of more time between workouts, and secondly that after processing  with my T on fri., and my muscles getting all tensed up, that the combination might have had such a neg. reaction on my muscles.  i've just got to be more careful.  thank you for that hug!   :hug:

owl, thanks for the support.  i'm glad, too, but dang, it's so much pain.  :hug:

speaking of the pain, a thought just occurred to me, that this is my body expressing the pain i didn't have the capability to feel or express in the past.  but, mama mia, it's really rattled me.  today i felt all kinds of being out of sorts.  out of sync with myself.  could also have something to do with the time change.  i don't know anymore.  i do know that my body has held a lot of what i couldn't feel, and whatever it was i've gone thru, my body expresses it in its own way. 

i hate it, tho.  it hurts, makes me feel wobbly, unstable, unsure of myself.  there's so much more to take care of, but i'm also so ready to be done.  in interferes with my life, whether it's cuz i haven't worked thru it or because i have.  absolutely sucks, so disheartening.  it's hard to stay upbeat, which i work at cuz i do not want to go down any further than i've already been.  ugh!

San, I am sorry that you are feeling pain.  I appreciate you articulating your experience because it helps me see that perhaps the feelings I've been having the past several days in a different way.  I now will consider that even though it hurts, now I am ready to feel the hurt I couldn't or wasn't able to in the past. 

rainy, i think your idea about now being ready to feel the pain is brilliant, and helped me see this ordeal differently.  thanks for sharing that. :hug:

still hurting, still sore, but the idea that it may be because i'm feeling pain i couldn't manage at the time of the trauma makes a lot of sense to me.  i will bear it, but, honestly, i didn't envision my life taking this turn. 

yesterday, i felt so out of sorts i ate my way thru the day.  today, i'm entertaining the idea of going back to a way i'd eaten before this got to be too much to bear without a crutch.  on the other hand, when i think about that time again, i was using crutches, such as alcohol and a pack of cigs a day.  i don't do that now.  i'm just having such a difficult time getting thru this.  therapy this morning - maybe we'll find a way to ease the pain.  i sure hope so.

San, I hope you find a way to relieve the pain.  Pain is so exhausting and draining and it can take up a lot of mental space as well which makes it challenging. 

I do hope the pain softens. I also see it as very plausible that the pain is essentially a physical flashback.

I've had those and with a pain that was undeniably related to a past trauma and at an intensity that was nearly as bad as the original lived experience.

So be as gentle with yourself as you would be if you were actually in those moments, ok? Treat yourself like you should have been treated by others.  :hug:

san, I don't know if IFS is something you have done or want to try. It can be helpful for pain. You can tune in to the pain and get curious and open about it. You can dialog with it and tell it you are there and acknowledge it. Say whatever comes to mind and makes sense to communicate to the pain or body part.  Ask it what it wants to tell you. It may seem strange but it could help. If not, nothing lost. I hope you find relief soon. 

hi, rainy, thanks for your well wishes.  i'm actually feeling a bit better this morning.  yay!   :hug:

thanks for your thoughts and support, armee.  i'm a little confused, tho. i didn't have any physically painful experiences in my past - it was all emotional and mental, and i didn't feel pain or hurt at the time.  so, i'm not quite understanding what you wrote about physical flashbacks.  i might be missing something. :hug:

owl, actually, yesterday's session, i did picture there being a heavy thick rod of cement in my arm, which was why i found it so difficult to lift it without pain, and my T told me to talk to it, see what it might say.  it was interesting.  it told me it wanted to dissolve, and became a bit more porous, but met with resistance in going any farther.  i then told my T that the resistance may be from fear, because this was from an injury more than 30 years ago, and i didn't know how to live without the pain.  so, yeah, talking to a part of me to see what it says was kind of cool.  thanks for the suggestion.  i'll do it more often, i think. :hug:

since i read about my muscles possible being overloaded with lactic acid, i've been drinking more water to help flush it out.  it wasn't until yesterday, 2 days after i started the water regime, that my body finally let go of the poison inside.  and, i woke up at 4 this morning, soaking wet.  so, more water today, and a good feeling that i may actually be flushing some of the crapola with which i've been living so long, right outta me!  my muscles do feel better today, and i'm actually feeling a little cleansed, which is a nice feeling for a change.

last night i wondered if i'm just too absorbed with myself, always thinking of the traumatic events, feeling sad that i had to go through them, disturbed that people found me such a wonderful target for their own BS.  i used to tell people that i wanted the words 'she loved life' on my tombstone.  that was a time before now.  all these setbacks, all the pain and suffering i feel trying to get thru the gunk, making it thru one day in order to get to the next.  i'm not feeling like i love life anymore, only that i tolerate it the best i can.  what a change of perspective.

with all this comes the realization of how much i've gone thru, how much i've endured, how i'm a miracle to still be here.  my glimmer of glad is that i've had a great  life, travel, adventure, lots of new and different people and cultures along the way, accomplishments, dreams come true.  looking at the whole of it, it's really been a great life.  that's the little diamond i can carry with me in my mind that shines a light on all this every so often. 

She loves life.

Even without knowing you, I see this as true, San.

Here's what I see; I see a person fighting to feel as good as possible despite all kinds of set backs. Fighting through very difficult feelings and topics and memories to be able to finally be free enough to savor the present in the last quarter decade. 💛

Ideally we could do this work and still be present and joyful but *! That isn't how PTSD works! It sucks you into the past and won't release until the past has been dealt with. I fight and lament this all the time, San.

I am happy. I have everything in my life exactly exactly as I want it. There is nothing bad in the present. But the past still affects my mood and symptoms against my will. I think it is especially strong with amnesia and alexithymia because our bodies are trying to get this message to us but it's like shouting into the void. It really needs to hurl some heavy stuff at us to get our attention to what needs fixing.

Anyway, my theory is you have to really love life to go through the process of trying to heal and I see no incongruence between your desired epithet and how you are living life.

My mom did not love life. She did not attempt to feel better or to find joy. She sat and stared into space 18 hours a day. She probably wanted to love life but just couldn't try to get better. Too far gone. You are not. You are like a bulldozer trying to get through all this and be done.

San loves life.

Sorry that was long.  :blahblahblah:

I'm glad the water is working to flush out the poison. You are inspiring me!

What I meant by physical flashback is that I think your pain started when you were pulling up memories of pregnancy and childbirth and that is a uniquely physically demanding state. But it may just be the weight of that concrete rod you've been toting!

no apology needed, armee.  i find what you write to be interesting, and caring, so it never feels like too long to me.  and i appreciate your affirmation and explanation about loving life.  it brought a new perspective for me i hadn't seen before.

thanks for the explanation of the physical flashback.  what you say may be true, but as i remember that pregnancy, there was very little pain involved.  labor was much shorter and milder than pregnancy #1.  however, i can't always connect things accurately, so i don't know.  in my mind, it was my ex's attitude, words, and neglect that caused pain and hurt i couldn't/didn't feel at the time.   i also appreciate you saying the phrase 'against my will'.  that hits the nail on the head as to what i'm going thru.  i now remember telling my mex. hub about how, if i could, i would will all this away.  so, yeah, it hovers over and shadows my life against my will.  you raised my spirits and warmed my heart.  thanks  :hug:

pain seems to be lessening today, of which i'm glad.  still didn't feel sturdy enough in my legs to walk, but i got some exercise by doing house chores, so that felt good.

Hi San,  I'm not good at saying helpful things,  just want to send you a little sunshine to brighten your day.   :sunny:

 :hug:

thanks for showing up, larry.  that was helpful all by itself!   :hug:

thanks for the hug, snowdrop.  truly appreciated.  back atcha :hug:

session went well yesterday.  i told my t i've been starting to see things out of the corner of my eyes, shadow when no one's there, dark spots on th floor that look like bugs when there aren't any.  she told me it was all stress.  working on these pregnancy issues has really kicked my butt all over the place.  we worked mostly on simply calming down my brain, giving it a little peace and therefore a break.  i did feel better afterwards, which was good cuz my d and i had errands to run. 

i'm having a very difficult time getting some sense of normalcy to my sleep since we turned back the clocks.  this entire week, except for one day when i had to load myself up with meds, i've been waking at 4 a.m.  i'm also falling-asleep tired by 11:30 at nite.  and i've been waking up a couple times soaking wet, which is something i haven't experienced very much at all before this.  it makes me feel completely out of whack.  messing with my sleep has never been good for me. 

the time change twice a year has always thrown me for a loop, but it's never been as bad as this.  i hope it works itself out.  if it's also due to stress, it's giving me a much grander idea of how much trauma and toxins i've been holding inside me about that pregnancy and how my ex treated it and me during it.  i had no idea this situation went that deep, made that profound of an impact on me.  if someone wants to forgive that man, go for it.  it's beyond my capabilty.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 10, 2021, 01:13:19 PM
last night i wondered if i'm just too absorbed with myself, always thinking of the traumatic events, feeling sad that i had to go through them, disturbed that people found me such a wonderful target for their own BS.  i used to tell people that i wanted the words 'she loved life' on my tombstone.  that was a time before now.  all these setbacks, all the pain and suffering i feel trying to get thru the gunk, making it thru one day in order to get to the next.  i'm not feeling like i love life anymore, only that i tolerate it the best i can.  what a change of perspective.

with all this comes the realization of how much i've gone thru, how much i've endured, how i'm a miracle to still be here.  my glimmer of glad is that i've had a great  life, travel, adventure, lots of new and different people and cultures along the way, accomplishments, dreams come true.  looking at the whole of it, it's really been a great life.  that's the little diamond i can carry with me in my mind that shines a light on all this every so often.

You absolutely are not too absorbed with yourself. Even in the middle of dealing with traumatic events, you are a very caring person. Even though we've never met in person, and our relationship is via OOTS, I have always felt and valued your care. If you could just dump the trauma and party through life, you would. Unfortunately, trauma doesn't work that way.

You are celebrating and enjoying the good moments/times/events. With all the hurt that you've experienced, that you can do that is close to miraculous and shows even more what a beautiful person you are.

I 100% agree with Not Alone.
:bighug:

I 100% agree with Not Alone and Snowdrop!

It's wonderful that you can write about the little diamond you carry about with you that shines a light. So inspirational!  :hug: :hug:

notalone, i can't tell you how your words affected me - i overflowed with such kindness.  my heart moved in my chest (at least that's how it felt).  it was especially good to hear that if i could stop the trauma from molesting me, i would.  the timing for that was perfect.  a million thanks for that.   :hug:

snowdrop, thank you for that big, embracing hug, and for agreeing with what notalone said.  you added another layer of warmth and kindness on me, a caring blanket of warmth.  thank you so.  :hug:

blueberry, thank you for even more validation and caring - on top of snowdrop's blanket, you added a down-filled comforter to the mix for me.   :hug:

i wrote the word 'molesting' above, and it was the first time that concept occurred to me, that this trauma, these layers and layers of trauma, actually molest me, assault me.  i haven't learned enough martial arts skills yet to ward off the bludgeoning that takes me by surprise.  ninjas of trauma leaping out of the dark sweeping my legs out from under me until i'm on my butt once more.  and then, i have to pick myself up one more time so i can fight another day.

that analogy might sound trite, but it is exhausting.  the wounds i encounter while fighting have been difficult to navigate, work through, and come out the other side with sanity intact.  i told my T on Fri. that i've begun seeing things that aren't there out of the corner of my eyes.  she immediately said 'stress'.  didn't realize how stressful these past nearly 3 weeks have been.  i'm usually very quick to use stress as a reason for something untoward happening to my body/mind, but this time i totally missed it.  i've been hyper-stressed for so long i can't even recognize it anymore.  another thing to put on the list of 'i don't know how to live without it'.

 :hug:

 :bighug:

armee and notalone, those hugs are so wonderful.  thank you for your care.

it's been a struggle these past few days.  i made a mistake, talked to a girlfriend who knows my ex about why i've been having a tough time lately.  altho she was very sympathetic and repeatedly told me she believes what i told her about him (we both agreed no one would otherwise believe it) it stirred everything up and the intrusive thoughts keep rearing their heads daily.  i've been having difficulty putting them in their places - coffins, cages, behind bars, etc. - but they've continued to leak out.  so frustrating.  the farther away from that phone call i've been getting, the less problems i'm having, tho, which is good.

one part of that call which is also bothering me is that, as i was talking about what happened, how i felt, how it's a problem even today, she asked 'but, it's so long ago. does it really matter anymore?  that also sent me into a tailspin, and i began obsessing on how i could explain this to her.  i talked to my t about it last week, we agreed that vets and ptsd examples might be a good way to go, or how something horrible can be imprinted on your brain (9-11, Jan. 6, elvis' death, kennedy's death, etc) and take you back to the place and time you were when you heard about it.  we'll see.  has anyone had any luck with this?

otherwise, with all that crapola rearing its ugly head again, i am so stressed out, feeling so fragile.  the slightest word can send me into a tailspin.  a hint that i was doing something that wasn't quite right sent me reeling.  this is about 3 weeks now that i'm having all this difficulty.  glad i'm having therapy today.  my body is reacting to this stress in awful ways.  my hair is falling out, my skin is patchy, my legs are wobbly - i'm walking like my bones and muscles can't coordinate.  i feel so downtrodden. 

San, I am thinking of you as you navigate this stress.  I haven't found anything that works to share with others of why something is still bothering me from the past.  I still carry a lot of shame around those types of things and don't tend to discuss with others.  I hope that your therapy visit today is supportive. 

Here, you can lean on our shoulders until you feel less wobbly and down trodden.

I've really struggled with explaining the same, even to my T and myself, about things being so long ago and not a big deal and I should be over them by now.

Yes, I agree with your friend! Unfortunately we all know that is not how traumatic memories work. That is why they are so potent and life altering. They continue to play when triggered, against our will and even knowledge. They wreck havoc on our moods and nervous system. They cause physical pain and other symptoms because we've activated some particular set of neurons that store all this information and those neurons start firing and bring us to that time. 

I have been very aware of one particular traumatic event. I've never felt upset about it. It happened, it sucked. I understood why it happened. So in your friend's nontraumatized world, I am over it, it was so long ago in the past, things are fine now. I am safe. Oh I believe that 100%.

But if something happens that activates those particular neurons that hold that memory....I won't even be aware that they have been activated, I am not thinking about what happened, but my body is responding as if it is happening all over again. Complete with excruciating pain, smell hallucinations, fear, and shutdown.

I'm intrigued now to try to find a good reference to explain this...I may be back.

But big strong hugs to you San. You'll get to the other side of this one. It sucks right now though and that's why I've made you a warm cup of hot cocoa and picked a sunny bouquet of sweet smelling flowers. Here. Sit at my table. I understand what you are going through. I know you are not ruminating on the past. The past is ruminating on you and it sucks.

armee, you are a fount of comfort and wisdom.  everything you said about neurons firing made perfect sense.  against our will and our knowledge - so very true.  and, in someone's non-traumatized world, it wouldn't make sense.  thanks for all the validation all the time.  and for helping me see things more clearly. :hug:

session went well.  again, a 10 at feeling stressed, and body tension everywhere.  with flash, we were able to get it down to a 5.  part of this stress and tension came from trying to process my friend's call, part was from the idea that everything was leaking out after i kind of opened it up, and part was my fear that therapy was going to have to open more stuff up, which will stress me further.  my body is deteriorating because of the stress, so bringing more in frightens me.

so, we were able to bring all that down, but the realizations that popped up stressed me out.  it's like a push-me, pull-you situation.  part of me gets to feeling better for a while, then another realization or understanding or memory pops up and the cycle returns.  this time i talked about how, since i was very young, maybe 5 or 6, i would lose myself in tv shows or books.  by that i mean, i was no longer aware of the world of reality in which i existed.  like i exited the real world and immersed myself in whatever i was watching or reading.

it still happens at times to this day.  when i was young, i can see it as a way to escape my reality, to go to a place where i didn't have expectations of perfection placed on my shoulders at every turn.  people would call my name, and it took maybe 3 or 4 times before i became aware of it.  it was like i absented myself from their world.  nowadays when i do that and someone, even my D who tries to be very gentle about getting my attention, gets thru to me, it startles me.  i have left this world so completely, i don't have knowledge or recognition that someone else may be near me.

my T and i talked about how this may be a form of distraction, or the possibility that it's a form of dissociation.  that is upsetting to realize.  the idea that i was dissociating at such a young age!  my mom told me  (in later years) that before my sister was born, which made me less than 2, she approached my dad to ask if he could take it a little easier on the next baby.  i can't imagine how strict he must have been with a baby/toddler - me - for her to dare to say something about it.  no wonder i would disappear myself.  those kinds of expectations, well, they make me want to cry for that baby.

Here's a soft comfy blanket to wrap that little baby girl and toddler girl up in. Maybe she'd like to choose a stuffy animal to keep her safe too? Mama Bear, Mama Lioness? Some other animal?  :hug: :hug:

Wanted to send you some warmth and comfort, too, sanmagic 7.  I can relate to much of what you wrote, about escaping so completely into an alternate reality (for me, it was elaborate fantasies that felt real, and eased the pain of what was actually going on by simply leaving it).  I was also so struck when you wrote about "ninjas of trauma leaping out of the dark sweeping my legs out from under me..."  As the others have said, it is NOT something you can just get over (how could you possibly just "get over" unexpected attacks by ninjas?!).  Rather, our brains are reacting as any brain would, when it's been exposed to overwhelming experience.  I hope you can hear all the love and support here, and give yourself the compassion and gentle kindness that you absolutely deserve, and have always deserved.   

Sending comfort and care  :hug:

It is sad to think what that little baby might have gone through and I feel you providing warmth and care to her now and trying to understand what she - YOU - went through.

I find it hard, too, to think about what might be the source of dissociation. I definitely have it and it's my worst symptom.

I remember losing myself in things as well, San. I hadn't realised I might be dissociating, so thank you for posting this.

I have so much compassion for the baby San. She deserved to be cherished and treated with kindness.
:bighug:

you all brought tears to my eyes this morning. 

blueberry, that comfy blanket and stuffed animal - don't remember having either as a child, just my doll who would soothe me to sleep - are so welcome and precious to my psyche.  thank you so. :hug:

pippi, thank you so for your kind, comforting words.  bringing attention to the love and kindness here, thank you.  you don't know how badly i've needed this today. :hug:

armee, thanks for being in my corner.  the way i see dissociation, and how i've experienced it in sessions, has been an escape from something too difficult to deal with on a conscious level.  the wrongs we've had to endure, well, they can just be too many and too much to remember and attempt a resolution for in the present, don't you think?  that's how i see it.  you are carrying the weight of many woes, i'm guessing.   :hug:

snowdrop, thank you, so, for that big hug.  i'm a sucker for them - like they (and you)  are bringing me into a warm, caring embrace.  i never thought that getting lost in those things as dissociation before yesterday, either, but when i mentioned the possibility, my T agreed it could, indeed, be exactly that, rather than some type of distraction.  to me, that feeling of my entire self being removed from the reality around me seems like so much more than a distraction.  i know when i'm distracting myself.  this is another level entirely. :hug:

so, once again, my ex struck.  yesterday, my D an i were going over something when he texted her that there was a problem or something.  anyway, she called him back, spoke to him for a bit, then came back into the room.  it seems that D1 was getting some mail with my name on it from soc. sec.  to me, this seems simple enough to solve.  she could've thrown it away (like apparently she has in the past - he mentioned to my D2 that this has happened before), she could've called them to stop delivery, or he could've done the same if he was going to act on her behalf.

instead, he chose the option of using D2 as a go-between again (this happened as lately as last year when he decided to sell our house w/o consulting me).  he's scared of me, so puts the burden of his communication with me on the shoulders of my daughter.  when this happened last year, she was very upset at being put in the middle of 2 people who have issues with each other, and i told him both on the phone and by email not to put her in that position again, it wasn't fair to her, and it's not her business, it was his and my business, and we're the only ones who need to be involved.

so, i am angry and shaken.  i did talk to my D just now, she didn't realize i'd told him not to do this to her again, and i told her i'm going to email him to tell him again.  i also told her that if he does this again, to tell him to talk to me so she doesn't have to be in the middle of it. she's ok with that.  that made me feel better about her, altho it was an extremely emotional talk.  in the end, she told me how she can feel the hate coming off me toward him, and she's having a hard time dealing with that, too.  i told her i'm working on it cuz i don't want to feel this hate, have never hated anyone before, and she understands. 

she went on to say that there has been so much deceit w/in our family she doesn't have any trust in what anyone says, and she doesn't want to go any farther back cuz she can't handle it.  she's staying in the present w/ both him and me, and that's as much as she can rely on.  she did agree that if i told him already not to involve her, that he shouldn't have done this.  i am shaking as i write all this.  one more time he's hurting my D and that is so very upsetting to me.  now, i'm going to send him an email telling him to leave her out of our business, and that i've told her if he does this again, to tell him to talk to me.  it will feel good to do that.

dang, does this crapola ever end?!!!!!!

Oh San.  :bighug:

I didn't realize he was still in your life and inflicting ongoing harm to you and your daughter and your relationship with her.

I wish I could just make it all go away for you.  :hug:

yes, he's still alive.  this won't be over till he's dead.  i wish you could take it all away, too, armee.  thank you so for that lovely, embracing hug.  i think i need to take a nap.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
I hope you get some rest during your nap.  I know you were planning to send an email to re-assert your boundaries re: your ex, and I hope that you were able to do that, and I admire you for doing so. 

Imagining you are hopefully resting and enjoying your nap now, I hope so.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Oh san, I'm sorry your ex is using d as a go-between, even though you've told him not to. Yuck. That's like my parents and no-longer-friend no.1.  :hug: :hug: :bighug:

San, I am sorry to hear about the ex dynamics you are dealing with.  I hope that you and your Ds find a way to keep managing as a team. 

hi sanmagic,  i want to say something helpful,  i just don't know how,  but i am thinking of you,  and wish you the best

I'm not surprised you were shaking. Your ex's behaviour is plain wrong in so many ways. I have a part who says pooh to him. I hope you've been able to rest.
:bighug:

hey, hope,

i did get rest and it felt good.  still felt restless and distressed the rest of the day.  my D and i were able to talk about it, and that helped.  and i did send the email, which also felt good.  thank you for your caring. :hug:

blueberry, thank you so for those hugs.  i love them.  and i'm sorry you've experienced something similar.  it really is yuck.   :hug:

hey, rainy,  thank you for your kind thoughts.  my D and i did work our way through, and we're solid.  that felt much better.   :hug:

larry, telling me you're thinking of me was very helpful.  it felt good.  thank you for that. :hug:

snowdrop, i loved the 'pooh'!  it was perfect, and lightened my being.  and thank you for that wonderfully embracing hug. :hug:

still distressed today, but it doesn't feel quite as bad as yesterday.  still, i know there are a lot of feelings roiling around inside that i just can't grab onto, and that's disturbing as well.   however, i was able to feel a great deal of anger toward him when this happened, and my D felt my hatred toward him while she was on the phone with him.  she and i talked yesterday about it all, and she's very upset that i hate him.  i told her i've never hated anyone before, am working in therapy not to hate him now, and i think she's grateful for that. 

she said maybe he's a monster and she should have nothing to do with him, but it's something she absolutely cannot abide right now.  she also told me that she only knows him as her dad, not as a friend or a husband - and i added 'or the father of your children'.  she needs both her parents right now - she's so fragile.  i told her, too, that that's why when i first got into therapy that my T told me to tell my D not to mention him, cuz there are too many triggers.  she understands it.  then she said 'but i'm the kid in the middle of this', which leads me to believe there are so many childhood issues she has yet to delve into, but can't take the reality of what she might find.  my heart aches for her.

i've said before, i'm grateful to have a do-over with her, and as independent and strong as she is, she has needed her mom to be with her and to be the kind of mom i wasn't able to be while she was a child.  it hurts to admit and feel it - oooh, i can feel it, and while that's kind of amazing, it also sucks cuz it hurts like *.  she also told me that she can't believe anything from anyone in our family about the past cuz there have been so many lies and so much dis-remembering -- one person remembers it one way, the other remembers it differently, and she doesn't know what to believe.

so, she's chosen to live only in the present with how her father and i treat her now.  she's protecting herself, and i'm ok with that.  it makes it difficult for both of us cuz he is one topic neither wants to hear about.  sometimes, often, i feel like alice in 'through the looking glass'  - running as fast as i can to stay in the same place.  if i want to make any progress, i have to run faster.  it's so stressful, so disturbing.  i'm struggling to hold onto my sanity with anything that has to do with him.

I once read on here that hate is a mixture of anger and disgust. I don't know if thinking of it in these terms is helpful for you or D? :Idunno: It's just a thought that occurred to me.

Love and hugs to you, and more pooh to your ex.
:bighug:

Oh San.  :grouphug:

This just feels so so painful.

You have a right to set boundaries that protect your sanity. I so very much hope you can have this do-over with your daughter in a way that protects your well-being as well as hers. Big long hug. You are so strong. You haven't stopped trying and your heart is full of love.

It is not wrong to hate him. It is ok. I have hated someone. It is a feeling as valid as any other. It's there for a reason. Does he deserve to feel hated? Yeah. Yeah he does. Does your daughter need to hear about how much you hate him? Not if she respects your boundaries around him, meaning he is not a topic of conversation for the two of you.

Ugh. I'm so angry for you. You deserve to be in peace. You shouldn't have to be shackled to the memory of his abuse.  :blowup:

snowdrop, that definition fits how i feel to a tee.  he is disgusting to me, and i know there is even more anger inside than i'm even aware of.  thank you for that and for that lovely big hug. :hug:

armee, it is painful, even tho i don't feel the pain.  i'm afraid that to feel it, i think.  the first time i felt some during therapy, it knocked me out of my socks, so that's scary to feel any more or even the depth of what might be lurking beneath everything else.  thanks so much for the hatred validation.  very appreciated.  and thanks, also, for your anger on my behalf.  the first day this happened, i felt the anger full force at just this one thing.  heaven knows how much more is attached to any of the other stuff.  shackled to the memory of his abuse was a great way to describe this.  thank so much.  :hug:

the validation of how i'm feeling, how his behavior looks to others helps me know it's not just me making a mountain out of a molehill.  i'm so grateful. 

 :)

Your feelings about your ex are valid. They come from a place of deep injury.

:hug:

San, your feelings and experience matter very much. 

 :hug:

I hope you and your daughter are hanging in there and that there hasn't been too much personal repercussions from the therapy and the ex email the past couple days. I'm good for a hug when you need it.

:hug:

thank you all for the thoughts and hugs,  :grouphug:

i finally got my  legs back today.  they've been out of commission for 2 days.  this intense emotion - like the fury i felt toward my ex last week - must trigger some kind of disconnect in my brain so nerve impuilses don't reach my legs somehow.  or, another thought, i've had restless legs syndrome for probably 40+ yrs., and that may be part of it.  when i've researched rls, it said that some kind of neural message was getting lost or misfires.  maybe this is an extension of that brought on by the extreme duress my brain is undergoing when i feel so angry  i don't know the real cause - all i know is that it sucks and takes part of my spirit with it.

today is my 19th anniversary w/ my mex. hub.  i didn't really remember, but i had an incredible urge to call him.  turned out that he called me at the exact same time.  he'd gotten very depressed and scared cuz he fell and broke his wrist in march (he's on crutches from childhood polio, so he needs all arm parts to be working) and is now working his physical therapy hard w/ the goal of walking.  however, he's very, very scared of another fall, and didn't know how to deal with it.

after lots of chatting, he brought it up again, and i told him 'you don't have to go back to walking'.  it was like a switch was turned on in his head and he blurted out 'thank you thank you' and a string of affectionate words in spanish.  he told me it was like he was given permission to just be, work toward getting around in a wheelchair instead of all the way up and moving.  honestly, i was taken aback.  it was such an emotional reaction from him, something i'd never really known before.

it showed me, once again, that our goals are our own, our pace is our own, and that sometimes we do need to hear that permission from someone else to simply be who we are.  i've gotten that from the people here, from my T, and from my D, and was able to share that today with a man who was floundering.  i hope everyone finds that permission somewhere from someone to be okay with who you are, how you are.  i was very moved by this experience.

That's such a beautiful experience. Thank you for sharing it San.

That has often been the more powerful moments in recovery when I see and have been given permission to be how I am, not how I should be. It is what ultimately lessens the suffering. It was generous of you to give that to your mex.hub.

Your legs are giving you a powerful but sucky message to back off and rest. I've had similar experiences, not to the full extent of not being able to walk but where there is a clear failure to send messages from my brain to limbs. It has been powerful to see that the trauma and reaction is so strong that parts of the nervous system truly stop functioning.

Rest up physically and mentally.

San, I appreciate you sharing your story.  I'm glad that you were there for your person and that you are finding your way in your body. 

armee,  thanks for the support.  i have been resting, and it paid off - i was able to go out and walk this morning.  felt so good!!!   :hug:

thanks, rainy.  i appreciate you.   :hug:

finally finished the proofreading job.  now, i can relax, do some tasks, write some of my own stuff and not have any deadlines.  yay! 

lurking in the near future, tho, is therapy tomorrow.  who knows what might come up?  kind of some fear that i'm going to be taken down again, just now that i'm feeling better.  dang, it's always something.  future thinking  doesn't sit well with me.

i will be thinking about you tomorrow, 

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for the best therapy session...productive but not overwhelming. Being able to walk after seems an important and reasonable measure.  ;D

Very cool that your words were so encouraging and helpful to Mex. H.

thanks, larry and armee.  i appreciate you being with me.  i think it helped a lot - i made a breakthrough.   :hug: :hug:

it felt really good to know that, too, notalone.  thanks for being here, :hug:

after a month and more than 8 sessions of working on this pregnancy issue w/ my ex, i was finally able to put it mostly to rest yesterday.  we've been tackling this issue for so long, in so many different ways, breaking it down into individual pieces, but the image never altered.  it was as if when i'd look at that particular period in my life, the image that encompassed that pregnancy took up my entire field of vision.  i hadn't been able to either move it or reduce it at all, which made it extremely difficult to get it out of the way and stop triggering me so badly.

yesterday during session, using both eye movements and flash technique, i finally watched it diminish in size, explode a couple time, then float away, getting smaller and smaller each time i looked at it.  today, it's nearly a speck off in the distance, and i feel no bodily sensations when thinking of it.  what a friggin' relief!  my legs are ok today, too, which is another relief.  i'm glad i persevered with this - thru all the emotional and physical pain attached to this image, it is so worth it to not have that hanging over my mind anymore.  some of my horrible hate-filled feelings toward him have been lessened as well. 

it's been a terrible month with this crapola, but so worth it right now.  thank you all for your support as i've gone thru this. :grouphug:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:applause: :applause: :applause:

:grouphug:

Oh I am so so happy for you!!! I also really appreciate you sharing how long it can take of focused work for just one piece to lose its hold.

Hooray for resolution and functioning legs!!!!

Well done San! Delighted for you.
:cheer: and :bighug:

thanks for all the cheers and hugs, armee. love it! :hug:

thanks for your delight, snowdrop.  :hug:

one other thing i wanted to mention about yesterday.  later in the day, after the session, i could feel my brain making the adjustment to sending that image flying instead of holding onto it in such a heavy, concrete form.  i was a little shaky during this adjustment period, but never lost my legs.  just felt a bit off center - that image and the hatred that went with it has been hounding me for more than 40 yrs.  it's a little weird not to have it stuck there, to be able to wave it away easily, but this is so much better.  the brain is an awesome mechanism, but this experience proves to me that it's malleable and can be healed. 

Malleable and can be healed. ..and also that is takes a whole lot of work, effort, and help. We CAN get over it but we can't "just" get over it.

well said, armee.  i've got a smile on after reading that.  thanks.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
That is great that you've experienced such a shift in mindset - I agree that the brain is awesome, and I wanted to send you a big hug,  :bighug:
Hope  :)

thank you so much, hope, and i love that big hug.  back atcha :bighug:

will be starting a new journal - i've been keeping mine to a limit of 25 pages, and this is it.  thanks to all the responses, caring, and kindness of everyone. :grouphug: