(TW: child abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, violence... you name it because i just started and don't know what all's gonna come up.)
Where do I start? I figured I'd start one of these specifically for this even though I write long-hand in a notebook every few days. That's "regular" stuff.
I talk on the phone for the job I have at the moment. (I'm doing COVID-19 contact tracing.) Some people are not nice at all. In general, it's the men who are aggressive or belligerent or just outright butts on the phone. The women just hang up. (It's the minority of my calls, but still hard to take) I always end it politely, but once I hang up, I either cry or curse at the screen lately. Strangely, the one that triggered most of this was someone who was actually quite nice. he lives in the rich and white part of town and his daughter is still going to competitive gym classes 3x a week, even though those are supposed to be closed. (yes, i anonymously reported the gym.) He made some joking throwaway comment about it costing way too much and that was it. I remembered a comment my MPU (male parental unit, he doesn't deserve to be called Daddy or father) made when he made me quit girl scouts because it was a "waste of money." I ended up taking a week off work with all the junk that came up, including a memory of some abuse. Now, I actually don't remember anything before the age of 6, so that was shocking. I'd had a memory I never forgot of one instance of sexual abuse, but my whole life I'd convinced myself it wasn't that bad and it was only one incident. other people had it worse, not much happened, the whole spiel. I haven't seen my MPU since I was 18, I don't even know where he is, really. So confronting him isn't really possible. Mom passed away in 2013 and honestly, I'm glad she doesn't know about this. it would have broken her heart, I think.
My BFF (like super BFF, we even have each other's powers of attorney just in case) is a social worker and brilliant. He's the first person in my entire life I ever told about that one incident. After a long discussion and an informal giving of the ACE test, he suggested I *might* want to look at complex PTSD and recommended a book called "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk". I got it off Amazon and started reading up on CPTSD. Nearly everything I found was like... Holy carp. This is me, I do that, I've felt that, yes, check mark, etc. not everything, but enough to make me realize this wasn't going away, was connected to my physical issues, and wouldn't get better without actual professional help. M (my BFF) told me about trauma-informed care and what experience to look for. A few more memories came up during that time off, which sucked. I ended up finding someone who I think I can work well with. She knew exactly what I meant, also loved that book, and has great experience. it's gonna be hard, but I also look forward to working it out, if that makes sense. I also bought a teddy bear for comfort. At age 50, I *have* my first teddy bear, but I'm not taking a chance on his falling apart, LOL.
So my next step is to figure out if I can keep doing this job. I actually hung up on a guy (yet politely, like "ok, thank you, click") and found it too hard to do calls with men Sunday. I work weds-sun. I need to figure out with my therapist what to do about insurance if I quit. She takes Medicaid, I just need to figure out the gap. I hate that all this came up now but I'm also grateful it did when I am finally in a secure place in my life with great support and love. I think my mind just finally said, "Oh, you're safe now, you're good. OK, you can work on this, then." *rolls eyes* The more I read in the book, the more I underline. And the more I actually make sense of my life and why I do a lot of things. It's probably even connected to my fibromyalgia. I just want to get better so bad, even if the process sucks.
So... yeah. Here goes. Also my trying to connect more with people.
:stars:
I don't have much to say right now, just wanted to let you know i'm reading along & i'm rooting for you.
thank you, that's a very nice thing to read and made my day after a blah day. :)
Second therapy session today. I created a "safe space" mentally under her guidance with some EMDR to "set" it into place. It actually was helpful to pause and go there as we talked further. it is very easy to talk to her. I emailed her the stuff I've been writing down: memories, feelings, dreams, etc., lately as kind of "background" Admitting that some stuff is embarrassing is in itself embarrassing. I also talked about quitting my job and she reassured me we'd find a way to work on stuff until the other insurance kicks in. I feel supported. It's... good? I still know it's not going to be easy, but to have a plan brings a speck of light to the tunnel.
Sage
Quote from: CactusFlower on February 02, 2021, 04:55:44 PM
He made some joking throwaway comment about it costing way too much and that was it. I remembered a comment my MPU (male parental unit, he doesn't deserve to be called Daddy or father) made when he made me quit girl scouts because it was a "waste of money." I ended up taking a week off work with all the junk that came up, including a memory of some abuse.
I can see where his comment was so triggering. It sounds like you have a therapist who knows what she is doing and who is compassionate.
I am a bit older than you, and fairly early in my process, I bought a teddy bear too. He is looking scrawny, ragged and loved now.
:) I found it amusing and interesting that both my therapist and my BFF, who are both social workers, were the only two who (when told about the bear) next thing out of their mouth was "what's his name?"
LOL
And it's Cocoa.
I like the name you chose.
We did a tiny EMDR thing, but wow. There's so much difference between reading about it, and it actually working. I was stunned. We also talked about some connections I've been making, trying to see past events through the eyes of an adult rather than the child that experienced it. She made a connection I hadn't even thought about. Thought he'd possibly married Mom out of convenience upon returning from Vietnam. here's a single woman with a kid (which was "awful" back then and hard), he probably needed a "model" family for his life and career, etc. I was thinking he married her because it was convenient, no matter what he told her about love. Yet... Jan mentioned there might have been a possibility, even subconsciously, on his part of grooming. That... It's a nauseating thought, but entirely possible. You don't normally just start abusing someone like that out of the blue. it was complicated, but definitely something to think about. Especially since I can now see that he really didn't like Grandpa much and his actions stopped while grandpa lived with us. Since I'm a writer, Jan gave me some "homework" to write the "poem no one would read" from the viewpoint of the two year old girl asking for help. I haven't started yet, but there's a phrase rattling around in my head. I have a feeling this is going to be very unpleasant. But I want to work through this. I can't remember years of my life, dammit. Good or bad, it's mine and I want it back.
I read a fascinating article today at https://www.anniewright.com/forgiveness-why-you-dont-need-or-have-to-forgive-anyone-if-you-dont-want-or-feel-ready-to/ (https://www.anniewright.com/forgiveness-why-you-dont-need-or-have-to-forgive-anyone-if-you-dont-want-or-feel-ready-to/) that really resonated. I've never believed in that whole forgiving someone for something they did wrong just because it "makes you the better person." Screw that. So, the definition of forgive is
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
or
to pardon an offense or an offender.
To pardon means to release someone from the liability or penalty of an offense. To absolve means to free or set free from guilt or consequences.
So no, I don't damned well "forgive", or pardon, or absolve, the Male Parental Unit from what he did. I haven't seen him since I was 18 (and I'm 50), but he has no excuse for what he did. He is liable. There were consequences. He did something wrong and nothing I think or say will make him not guilty. So no, I don't have to forgive him for any reason. I'm still a better person than he is, I survived, and I'm starting to work through this.
Sage
Thanks for sharing. I'm more than happy to forgive when it's warranted, and it can feel good to do so, but I don't see a way to forgive someone who exhibits zero remorse and/or continues to do damage. In that case, I see no path forward. I can't comprehend the concept of forgiving someone who acknowledges no wrongdoing
Absolutely, Saylor, that's the key. I feel someone can only be forgiven if they actually are truly SORRY and want to atone/repair what they did. But if there's no remorse, then forgiving them does absolutely nothing but let them off the hook.
Had something interesting happen this morning. It was laundry day. We have an older apartment that's part of a Triplex, and the house was built in the 30's, so no washing machine. It's the laundromat for us. Anyhoo, this guy was there sitting on the other side of the folding table while we waited. (My bro and I tend to just play on our phones while waiting) he started taking things out of a backpack and setting them on the table, just moving them around, taking them in and out. Very... odd behavior. But he was setting them down a little hard. I found myself starting to breathe faster and my heart racing because it was like someone passive-aggressively setting their stuff down harder when they're mad. But I told myself to chill, he's not approaching us, maybe he's just... you know, being a little strange.
And then when I got up to go check on my dryer, he says politely, "excuse me, ma'am?" I said, "Yes?" And he says "Have a lovely day." and hands me this little bitty cross he's clearly made out of Popsicle sticks with a heart bead glued to the center and all painted purple. (my favorite color) I politely thanked him, and felt myself relax. He was polite and said good day as he left before we did. So I'm glad I averted my freak-out, but I was able to read what was happening to me and know it was an over-reaction. I just put it in my purse. It'll probably go in the donation box for Goodwill later as I'm not Christian, but it was kind of a nice reinforcement to myself to realize my reaction is not always the reality of the situation. Sure, he was unusual, but he wasn't mean or angry or actually threatening. So I feel like that was a little progress.
Been an interesting week. The laundry thing Tuesday, then Wednesday, I got my first vaccine shot. So happy about that, next one in three weeks. Now I can hang out with my BFF again. (He's already vaccinated.) Then a good session with my therapist on Thursday. We talked about gaslighting and how that makes me feel. I also realized that Male Parental Unit gaslit Mom as well. These were all things I had either not noticed, forgotten, or didn't want to remember, as usual, but it explained a lot. Even now, if someone dismisses or invalidates my feelings/experiences, my gut reaction is rage. I don't *do* anything about it, but I get intensely angry if someone tried to tell me I'm not actually feeling what I'm feeling or saying what I mean. But it was very revealing to realize how he'd gaslit mom, which was frustrating because she would believe him when he said, "She's fine." I wasn't fine, and I probably couldn't understand how mom couldn't tell he was lying. I feel a little guilty sometimes about being relieved that I wasn't the only one he was BS'ing.
I attended my first live youtube weekly video/chat from the CPTSD Foundation with Athena (can't remember her last name at the moment. Moberg?) I joined their FB group and it's a wonderful supportive, active group of people. I missed last week, but managed to make it just now. The topic was Covert Incest. Gotta admit, I had no idea what that was and the name was kinda throwing up my defenses a little. But I powered on and found out it's not physical, it's when a parent/caregiver has an inappropriate emotional relationship with someone, as in treats them more like a spouse or therapist or BFF than their child. Once that was explained, its alternate name of Emotional Incest made more sense. And yes, I could see that my mom did this a few times. Rarely, but she did. They divorced when I was 11 and being a military family, that meant Mom and I had to come back to the States on our own and make it. I'm an only child, she was a single mom in the 80's, she was a very strong and capable woman. I've always been very proud of how she managed to survive and even thrive after being dumped and booted to the curb. But the more I process, the more I can see her flaws, the issues she dealt with, and where she didn't get it right and didn't have any support either. I remember a few times where the loneliness and how he treated her and everything got to her, and I'd end up being the one to comfort her. It always felt terribly awkward and dissonant to see Mom break down like that and not be strong. Also, due to my age (middle to high school), I felt uncomfortable being the comforter because i didn't feel like I had the skill to help or even knew what to do other than hold her while she cried. I get that she did the best she could, but that was a disservice to me because I didn't have the capacity to comfort her like a peer could.
It's really hard for me because I didn't think I idolized my mother, but I see now I kinda did and still do to an extent. But the more I process about what all happened, the more I'm able to see her as a flawed human in her own right and I see more of what she might have been going through that I never picked up on. I'll probably discuss this with my therapist this week, because there is still an instinctive sense of guilt at saying "mom wasn't always a good mom". The head knows, but the heart is taking a while.
Really really trying not to be triggered right now. Had a lovely weekend, but Monday (ugh) brought bad news. I did not make it in to grad school. I've sent off an email to the person they say to for "more detailed info", but I doubt they'll tell me why or where the application didn't work. I "met many, but not all, of our minimum requirements" blah blah blah. I'll admit, I caved and comfort ate. I'm trying not to cry because I can feel the depression creeping up and I'm really not wanting to go there. I can hear my F's voice in my head saying his usual stuff like "You should have known" and "What did you think would happen", etc. I really thought I'd get in with all my experience in related fields and stuff. It might well be that it's because my degree was in my late 20's and I'm 50 now. I'm also partially ticked off because the whole process isn't cheap in the USA. Between all the applications, the transcript copies, and this math class I took to refresh and prepare, that's several hundred dollars down the drain. Just... Ugh. Thank goodness I have my Monday night CPTSD Foundation talk tonight to listen to. I'm just trying to distract myself from this... grief, I guess it is.
Sorry to hear you got some bad news. Of course it is disappointing, and it's okay for you to feel like that. I get not wanting to be depressed though, so I hope you can process this in a good way. Hopefully the followup from your email will give you some more information that you can use to move forward, too.
Enjoy your talk, and stay strong! :)
Worked things out about the grad school depression and some intrusive thoughts with my therapist. I'll be doing some research on tapping. I had a therapist try it some decades ago, but from everything I've seen and read, she didn't really know what she was doing. Which would explain why it didn't work back then. I found a few excellent reports on clinical trials of it and was pretty impressed with the study and the positive results found. Someone recommended Nick Ortner on youtube as he's apparently some expert in it? I watched a video. I really had to force myself to listen, because he comes across as a real Tony Robbins-like smarmy "this will fix everything" dude. I just focused on the basics. He did a quick sample with his audience (of about 2000 people, bet that was a financially good weekend for him). Oh yeah, that old therapist didn't do it right. So I chose to work with the grad school depression to see if it really worked.
huh. The pre-tapping rating I gave the depression was around a 6 according to his 1-10 scale. He did three rounds, and after, I looked at my own feelings very closely and was very surprised that I could honestly rate it around a 2 at most. I was more like.... "Well, it happened and it sucked, but I'm not that sad or upset or wanting to just go sleep for a while anymore." That was impressive. I don't know if it would really work on everything that dude says it does, but I still plan to research more. The next time something upsets or triggers me, I'll try to remember to attempt this again. I'm not sure I could do it if anything happened in public, though, just for self-consciousness. We'll see.
Cool!
I went to a seminar with Bessel van de Kolk (from The Body Keeps the Score) and he also did a tapping demo with us.
In public would be a bit more difficult indeed, but there's always the option to "come back to something later". I mean, if something triggers you, it will probably trigger you just as much when you "set it aside" for a moment, come home, and think about it again :P
Good point, Alter-Eg0.
I'm really finding a lot of positive research on it, and if you say Bessel was doing it too, well... Science for the win! LOL I think I'll put it in my arsenal. one thing I've decided, and will try to work on, is not allowing the external world to make me feel ashamed for any of this. Not that it happened, not that I couldn't remember it until now, not that it was triggered, and not that I have CPTSD and am working on healing. one of my mantras is going to be, "I'm working on my own shame issues, I refuse to take on anymore or anyone else's." I know that won't be easy, but I'm determined and I'm definitely stubborn, ha ha.
There are so many more tools than there were even 20 years ago, or 30, to help us heal. I refuse to feel ashamed for using whatever the * works.
Absolutely! You go! :cheer:
I saw an interesting thing, can't remember where now, about diminishing your inner critic by giving them a name, a personality, even a description. Then you can use this to envision when you tell them no on stuff. I really like that idea. I'm a gamer and always loved role playing games. (I played FIRST edition D&D back in high school) I always give my characters a deep backstory. So I tried to envision my inner critic and these things came to mind: (possibly triggering)
(NSFW) the idiot Carl from one of my favorite sketches from the show, Robot Chicken. They're yelling at Carl because he's ruined something important with his selfish needs. Very adult humor, but it makes me associate that name with someone who ruins things. youtube.com/watch?v=-Gka7jyraM (http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Gka7jyraM) (triggers: Cabbage Patch dolls, masturbating, adults yelling, unclean produce)
A Saturday Night Live skit from 1998 with Kelsey Grammer as the guest on the skit where they always make fun of NPR, he totally goes off the rails. But the point is, he discusses a character named Carl who ends up influencing everything in his life, clearly not for the better. (transcript only, couldn't find a video) https://snltranscripts.jt.org/98/98bdish.phtml (https://snltranscripts.jt.org/98/98bdish.phtml) (triggers: anxiety, guilt, cannibalism, survival, drug humor)
As for how "Carl" looks and sounds, I totally see him as "Marty Glouberman", one of the dads in the adult cartoon "Big Mouth" on Netflix, voiced by Richard Kind. The character is this slightly older father who finds fault with everything and everyone, always complains, is a jerk to most people, can't be pleased, and talks a lot of BS. (triggers: everything.)
So my Inner Critic is now Carl, an entitled, self-centered, judgmental loser. And Carl, you are totally a loser, you're wrong, I'm awesome, and I will tell you to shove it when you start being negative towards me. :)
Got my second vaccine shot yesterday! Very happy about that. However, my arm is really sore today and I am exhausted. They did say if it gets sore, flap like a chicken for about 3 minutes and it will help. BFF confirmed his sister did that and it worked. Looks silly, but I can laugh. And the Chicken Dance is going through my head. Just taking it easy today, though.
Well, the side effects from the second shot were all perfectly normal and most of my friends mentioned having the same things, but they wiped me out for a couple of days. Super achy all over, nauseated, cough, and so incredibly exhausted that I basically slept on and off most of the time. Still, I was fine by the 3rd day and I'm glad to be done with that.
On my BFF's recommendation, I'm reading a book about Adult Children of Alcoholics. I didn't have a stereotypical "drunk" parent. Mom and I didn't even KNOW the male parental unit was an alcoholic until he told us years later. Never acted out of control, never saw him with more than the occasional beer at a cookout. It explains a lot in that book that still applies, though.
After gathering a bunch of other recommendations here and from the folks on CPTSD Foundation, I've gotten Arielle Schwarz's CPTSD workbook. I'm just reading through it first before doing any of the exercises. It looks very interesting and useful.
I had another brief body memory come up the other night. More gaslighting, more "petting" at bedtime... it's almost weird how a split-second memory of such a short amount of time can cause such a lasting reaction.Sometimes, I feel like I kinda wish I could confront him about what he did. But the practical part of me says, oh, wherever he is, he's 70 now. He'll be dead soon. And he probably hasn't changed, wouldn't care, blah blah so what's the point? It's really just a wish for this to be over already, I know, so it's not realistic. Not to mention, I avoid confrontation at all costs, normally. But there's still that part of me that wants a tangible target for all the bile I want to spew at him.
I was posting my normal M/W/F post on my business Twitter just now and as usual, I find it fascinating to read through all the creatives on there. Mainly authors and graphic artists, but it's varied. Someone who's a mom brought up a very very good point. She noted that her daughter's school is giving chocolate Easter eggs to the students with 100% attendance. Not anyone else. She said that since her daughter will NEVER have 100% attendance due to chronic illness, she's making up for that poop by going and buying her a big one. I saw 2 main types of comments.
Other people who agreed and also mentioned that some kids cannot help but have a day here or there due to other reasons, like an unstable home, or abuse, etc, and that this is a cruel and ableist cruddy thing to do to kids. And I agree. What if a kid was in a car accident? There is so much out there that is beyond their control. Attendance awards really are unfair. But of course, the "Life's not fair" crown had to comment as well.
They were in the tone of "Not everyone can win awards, don't punish everyone for your problems, don't dumb * down,"etc. One even tried to debate (ha!) and even when he AGREED that awards should be for something with competition and/or excellence FAR beyond the norm, he still argued that it was devaluing to those kids who workedhardtrieddidtheirbestblahblahblah and made it there every day. He refused to see that attendance is not the same thing as a skilled athletic competition. I ended up muting him so I didn't have to read anything he wrote anymore. And then, I noticed every single one of those types of comments was said by a male. They didn't care about the kids with the problems. They just didn't want the "I'm special for no particularly special reason" award taken away. So rather than waste half an hour muting a ton of people, I just closed the app and reminded myself this is why I try not to read comments. But Gods, it is so disheartening to see such blatant selfishness and hate. I may have to give a hard consider to forcing myself to just post and close, not read anything but on my own stuff. At least there, the only negativity I get is the rare spammy type of message.
Finished that Adult Children of Alcoholics book. It was interesting in that the traits do cross over a lot with CPTSD symptoms. My BFF and I teased each other cause the ACA's meetings are structured on the AA (of course) and I simply cannot deal with a lot of their "God/High Power" things. Also, it doesn't apply for making/amends/atoning because WE aren't the ones who did something wrong, it was our abusers. I then discussed it with my therapist. She mentioned that a group she runs has something called the 16 Steps of Empowerment. I looked it up after therapy and while it's still for substance abuse, I find the tenets much nicer and more realistic. (It was basically developed as a response to how the patriarchal Judeo-Christian viewpoint of 12 steps didn't work for some women and marginalized communities.) It's much more self-affirming and really is empowering. https://charlottekasl.com/16-step-program/ (https://charlottekasl.com/16-step-program/)
While I don't have a substance addiction, I might write these down as they're applicable to other kinds of healing and are positive in nature. I appreciate something that addresses diversity more, too.
Posted over in employment, but also here as a record, cause I was dysregulating-ly mad. Applying to various online jobs with all their stupid application systems. One wanted me to create and account and had "security questions" and severely tweaked me off. Sure, I know and can remember my mom's maiden name, I've used that for years in security questions. But their other options were "Name of the 1st school you attended", "The 1st car you ever owned", "The city your first school was in", The street you lived on when you were 5 years old", "your 1st pet's name".....
I DON'T KNOW! I don't know any of that information! I've never owned a car, we were military and moved a LOT, I couldn't even tell you what state my first school was in. And who the heck remembers their street's name from 5 years old? I was just so torqued off. If they hadn't had a couple other options, I wouldn't have finished the blanking application. >:(
I never realized before just how ableist and neurotypical those questions are. I used to think people who COULD remember anything before the age of 5 or 6 were either weird or liars. But I just spent at least 20 minutes severely angry because it's not fair that I couldn't have applied if those had been the only options, and they have NOTHING AT ALL to do with the job. it's just IT BS.
Holy cow, we did it. The governor's special session actually passed legalizing recreational marijuana here. She called the session so they'd do it, so all she has to do is sign it. They expect the industry to be up and running by April next year. Our medical process was pretty restrictive as to what you could get it for, so this is going to help a lot of people. Not to mention all the jobs and money it's going to pump into the economy. (I used to live in another state that legalized it, and it was just fine and provided millions to the local economy.) So excited.
My inner child (of which there seem to be two of different ages) wanted a stuffed bunny toy. I got her one and she is thrilled to pieces. I found a moment of amusement that my teddy bear is named Cocoa and the bunny is apparently named Strawberry. My inner child has good taste.
I've been indulging my inner child quite a bit lately. It's helped me to realize a little bit more of the child creativity within me as well as learning to accept that it's actually okay to like certain things. I'd forgotten how much I like some stuff.
I was a military dependent, F was in the Air Force. I spent some of my youth in Asian Countries. In the late 70's I lived in Japan. The thing about being a military dependent back then, your family was only allowed so much weight for personal items when going from place to place. So I always had to choose what toys to keep to be shipped. Certain ones followed with me and I even still have some of the stuffed animals. But in general, there wasn't much point in buying a lot of random toys that would just have to be donated/given away in a year or so. The things I got were either small and disposable, like plastic teacups for a tea party with said stuffed animals, or used/sellable, like a bicycle. One thing South Korea and Japan do extremely well is "cute" office supplies. And when I was there, Hello Kitty was still only a few years old and super popular. I utterly LOVED things like Hello Kitty (and other cartoons) pens, pencils, tape, pencil cases, erasers, notepads, etc. and small things like keychains.
We have a wonderful Asian grocery store in town with tons of stuff from various countries. I went yesterday and my inner child was gleeful. I got mochi, teacakes, pocky sticks, cookies, cute erasers, and pretty stickers. I've cute the Hello Kitty off the labels and will glue them to cards like a collection. And I've been allowing myself to like the color pink again. I thought I hated it most of my teen and adult life. I went decades without owning a single item with pink on it. I thought it was infantilizing, insulting, "girly", and stupid. I realized that's what I absorbed as an impression, not the truth.
And frankly? if someone has an issue with a (almost) 51- year old person liking Hello Kitty and owning cute pink things, to heck with them. I'll go write in my little diary with a pink pen.
Wow. I lived through more trauma than I previously thought. (TW large natural disaster)
...
So I was a military dependent kid in my formative years and we were stationed in Okinawa, Japan, when I was 9. I remember living through a typhoon (a hurricane, but in the Pacific instead). Out of curiosity because learning helps me distance from being overwhelmed, I looked it up to see if it was big enough to be recorded for history.
OMG.
Typhoon Tip in 1979 was a Category 5, classified as a super typhoon, and was actually the 3rd most intense typhoon ever recorded. At it's largest, the storm measured across was about half the size of the Continental USA. It only came within 40 miles of Okinawa, and I remember how bad it was. it apparently caused millions in damage on land and sea in Japan with casualties, temporarily shutting down all wind and sea transport completely.
I had no idea. No one ever told me how bad or dangerous it was, and that's probably a good thing considering it still messed me up. Male parental unit was dismissive, snappy, mean, and his typical self as we all hid in an interior hallway after boarding up windows. Mom tried to comfort me, but he was... Yeah, I wasn't really comforted, I was belittled and spent all night terrified the windows would implode.
Wow. Some part of me at least is quieted by the confirmation that what I remember was real, though. As an only child (I'm almost 51) whose parents are gone, it feels weird to know there is literally no one left who can corroborate my experiences.
Kindness exists (tw, mention of violence and family tragedy in the news, not my own though)
I belong to a local Buy Nothing group on Facebook. It's a nationwide thing. You can ask for things or give away anything, but there's no selling allowed. It's a gifting thing only. When I asked for a pink teacup for Inner Child work, the universe and a very nice lady gave me a gorgeous floral English china cup and added two pretty child's handkerchiefs. Turned out she's a friend of my next door neighbor that moved out a few months ago.
Yesterday, I offered a face mask, the kind with elastic that you put over your eyes to sleep or at a spa. It's fuzzy and looks like a cute fox. Only one person wanted it. She picked it up and left me a gift in return, facemasks and some wipes and gloves. I have good masks, so I'll donate these to some essential workers. But she left a note that made me cry at her kindness. She's the mother of someone who recently was killed in a shooting (in another city) that was in the news and is inconsolable and having trouble sleeping. She was just thinking about trying an eye mask when I posted.
It was meant to be. And I'm keeping that beautiful note. I'm also grateful to the universe that some small thing I did wasn't "small" to someone else and they got something they truly needed. What goes around comes around sometimes. I'm glad it's kindness in this case.
<3
This is so heartening Sage, that kindness exists. And it does, you give a little and you get a little, and the amazing thing about it is that it goes such a long way. Here's to kindness. Your kindness, Sage. The kindness of the pink teacup lady (and I love that you asked for this & received it). The kindness of the beautiful note lady. It's so lovely to hear so thank you for sharing.
It's amazing how that works, isn't it.
Reminds me of the time I was doing a "write down one positive thing each day and put the note in a jar to read back at the end of the year" thing, and a few months in, the jar that I had was full, I needed a new one. Got home from work that day, and found a huge beautiful decorative glass jar type thing that I could use. Someone had apparently wanted to get rid of it, and just left it on the bench in the hall for whoever wanted it.
The universe totally will provide when it's needed. After I wrote this, I was looking at pink lipstick and blush to play dress-up with, and got really disheartened by how expensive everything was online. I went back to that buynothing group, and blam, someone posted stuff they'd gotten that had never been used. I now own a perfect NYX blush palette and pretty rose lipstick! and I like that brand! I am grateful to the universe.
And to keep it going, I gave away some unused canvases and paints, and the lady who took them, her husband has PTSD and paints to calm himself down. What goes around, comes around!
On the next note, I finally got the infamous "write the perpetrator a letter" therapy assignment. Thank goodness for computers, cause this would be a lot of paper.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful story.
I haven't written in a while. Been in kind of a blah phase. Yesterday and today were exhausting as well. The landlord had someone come to clear the tub due to a slow drain, so I kinda had to clean house real fast. Then today, the cat has had some tummy issues several times, so I've had to clean those up, which means lots of bending and squatting in painful positions for my knees and hips. I am exhausted and severely out of spoons. I kinda just want to have a bacon cheeseburger and fries, then curl up with a stuffed animal and watch forensic shows, but then something else happens I have to take care of. ARGH! My brother is out doing errands for me because I need new cat food and I simply cannot go out. I wouldn't get back up the stairs of the front porch, I think. Fibromyalgia sucks. Being stressed makes it worse. Oh, and I'll have to deal with more when the landlord arranges for the Other plumber guy because my taps are leaking. I can't turn them off hard enough without hurting my hands. And the work team renovating/landscaping next door started early this morning. I overheard they have a realtor who's going to be selling that property. Good. Maybe the neighbor who thinks it's fine to get drunk and barf outside at 3am, or yell at her boyfriend, or have very loud (like seriously, why do they have to talk so loud?) dinner parties during COVID until 2am, maybe she'll be gone soon. I won't miss her. I feel like I'm ranting, but I'm just so damned tired. I've got therapy in just over an hour, I'll discuss it all with her. Then maybe take a nap if I can.
Hey...I missed this when you posted. :(
Are you feeling a little less sore and exhausted today? I have to say wanting tobcurl up with a cheeseburger, fries, stuffy, and watch tv sounds AMAZING and I hope you've had a chance to rest a bit.
Thank you! I actually did end up taking a 4-hour nap that afternoon in addition to sleeping better at night. I talked to my therapist and we'll also be looking at one thing I can do more, and one thing I can do less or not at all that might help manage that. i do have a terrible tendency to push myself too hard sometimes, then I pay for it later. But Yes, I did rest up and splurge on comfort food. :)
Today is... not easy. it's Mother's Day.
My F was the abusive parent. My Mom did the best she could and we finally broke away from him when I was 11, but re-analyzing my memories reveals he gaslit and messed with her, too. She wasn't perfect, but we certainly lived a much better life once he was no longer in the picture. Mom passed away... gosh, it'll be 8 years in July. Sure doesn't feel like that long. I have no siblings, so one of the weirder things for me is that there is no one left alive who can corroborate my memories. Well, he might still be alive, but I haven't heard from or seen him in 33 years, so who knows. He'd be 70 now. But getting all the ads and crap leading up to Mother's Day is hard. I miss her so much still. At least she's at peace, though. But sometimes when I have bad days and stuff, I still really want my Mom to hug me and give me hot tea and buttered toast. There's no one left to take care of me but me, and sometimes I get kinda tired of that.
:hug: :hug: I understand getting tired of having nobody left to take care of you. Especially the way things are with cptsd - the struggle to keep going at all, the exhaustion etc. :grouphug:
:hug:
That's so beautiful and sad. I am glad though you have those fond memories of her and maybe call up some of those warm memories when you need feel cared for.
And now on to the next part of May. I'll be 51 in 6 days. Ugh. Feels weird. Trying to calm down that feeling of wasting time, not doing enough. Ptooey. yet, at the same time, hating filling out job applications. What is the point of uploading a damned resume if your stupid websites won't then parse it into the form and I have to cut and paste the whole thing? grrr.
Haven't felt great the past few days, although I got things done. It was highly windy all Tuesday night, which seriously sets me on edge due to having lived through a very severe typhoon as a child. So i was waking up almost every hour. Bad sleep exacerbates the fibro, so I was tired all yesterday. I did get a Dr. appt scheduled as I haven't been since moving here (a couple years) and kept putting off cause I hate having to start over. But it wasn't too difficult. Yet today, I've been just blah and tired and achy all day. We had to go to Walmart for stuff, and i forgot one of the big things we went for, so that's another trip to take tomorrow or Saturday. I did get a small 2-person lemon cake for my birthday Sunday, so that's okay.
But the thing that's really throwing me a lot today is that my cousin mentioned on FB that my uncle (maternal) is in hospice. (he's in his 70's) I was never close to him, but he was horrible to my cousin for a long time until Cuz managed to go no-contact with the fam. (We are close on FB, being the 'unusual ones'.) But yeah, he mentioned that and it was a strange feeling, to know another family of that generation is dying. I don't know of what, either. Just... I dunno. It's really thrown me off kilter.
Random-ish thought after reading a response to bluepalm's post in the poetry section.
I don't think we ever really "overcome" or "get over" what happened. Not in the sense of "able to shed it and forget and move from there." No matter what, that which happened to us shaped us, formed us, and we were changed because of it.
Maybe better imagery would be something like "getting through" our CPTSD. I just have this mental image of someone leaning against the wind, walking through a storm with all kinds of stuff flying around. Each step is forward but it's an effort, and sometimes we slide back an inch or two. But when we finally step out of the storm (hah, see what I did there?), the winds aren't trying to knock us down anymore. yes, we're changed. We breathed the air of the storm. It blew until it stung our skin and embedded dust in our eyes and hair. The grit and dirt might even have scraped us raw in places. But at some point, we step forward and we can stand up straight again, breathe a little fresher, see some light ahead.
Well. Yesterday was my 51st birthday. Of course, I don't really feel different, but this year, I felt more able to appreciate everyone's well wishes. I used to really hate my birthday because I wasn't a popular kid, so I'd invite people to my birthday parties and maybe one person would ever show up. Last year, the pandemic kinda precluding doing much of anything at all other than zoom. But that worked well. I was on zoom and my computer for several hours, during which several friends dropped in to say hi and chat. I didn't zoom this year, but everyone said hi over Facebook. (pretty much everyone I know is there) It really made me think about how the Internet makes it easier to stay in touch. It also made me realize that the care and love shown from my chosen family and friends really IS present and means so much to me.
On the down side, the one cousin I stay in touch with was a bit busy seeing their father again after a long time. He's old and fading and in hospice. I was never really close to or in touch with that uncle, so I don't feel as deep a loss as one might think. But I found out my cousin and I have a history of abuse in common. Sad, but we also understand and support each other in a way few people understand. He only lives a state away, so maybe a visit one way or the other is doable in the future. But having never heard these things about my uncle before, it just gave me this really weird feeling of "Sheesh, how many men in my life were monsters and I never knew?" Kinda creepy feeling. But I'll be discussing it with my therapist this week.
Other than that, It was a good day. Gotta love all those discount and BOGO coupons you can get in email for your birthday. :)
Happy Birthday!
I love the imagery you shared of walking through a storm. It fits with my favorite song to listen to during a challenging stretch. I also see for me, starting therapy in my 40s how once you get through that storm to the otherside everything just looks and feels so different too. Not that it's good any of us were traumatized in the first place. But battling through the symptoms you can get to a pretty beautiful place on the other side. Like it's just such a stark difference from how we used to live that normal life and normal sensations just feel and look amazing.
Oh, and I meant to say....take care of yourself in deciding whether to see your uncle or not.
Thank you, Armadillo! Also, there's no ability to see my uncle even if I wanted to. I don't drive and don't have a car, and he's a state away. But it's cool :)
After talking with my therapist, I realized my fleeting ability to feel joy when I buy something for myself before then being overwhelmed with shame and guilt comes from something in my past where I was made to feel like I was not worth spending money on. I'd gotten a $50 gift card for my Birthday and had become overwhelmed and unable to decide what to buy because I'd look at everything I liked and justify myself out of a reason to buy it. "You already have several of those, you'll regret that, do you really need it, you're wasting money, etc." We talked about that feeling of unworthiness and shame. Being able to make that connection, I remembered something I really wanted and said ---- it, I'm gonna get it. It should be here around the 31st, but I will FINALLY have a lovely china tea set. I love tea of all kinds, and now I'll be able to have tea parties, even if it's just myself and my stuffed animals again. The sugar and creamer match the pot, the teacups have pretty flowers, and there's 2 gold-colored little spoons. It may have been a "safe" choice because I never regret stuff to do with tea, but I don't care. I wanted it, it was my birthday money, and I got it. I thank the Universe for the ability to get something pretty for myself. (and my brother for the sweet gift, I actually love gift cards) it'll still take a lot of practice to not feel that shame when something triggers it, but at least I'm aware of it now. I wonder if anywhere locally sells actual sugar cubes...
Hi Cactusflower,
I think that your china tea set sounds lovely. I hope you're able to find somewhere that sells the sugar cubes, I think they must do that somewhere. I also think it's great that you were able to buy that gift with your birthday money, as I know it wasn't an easy process to do that.
Hope :)
I managed to cook dinner tonight. I simply haven't had the spoons/energy/motivation to for several weeks now and either defaulted to canned soup, PB&J, or fast food. But tonight, I defrosted some swai fillets and made poached fish with lemon pepper and a box of instant stuffing. (Stove top, dressing for those across the pond) It's a very mild fish, which is what I prefer. Boxed stuffing might not be the healthiest, but it was super easy and it all tasted good. Tomorrow, my bro is going to attempt butter chicken and rice with my guidance, lol. I want to get back in the habit, but I might also have to look into salad mixes since it's getting hot here now. That also makes me not want to eat much. I need to find a good salad dressing though. Something with balsamic vinegar, I think.
I'll be talking more with my therapist today about my upcoming doc appt. I checked with social security, and I would make a livable amount on disability. Pretty damned tight, but doable. I've also been thinking about buzzing my hair off again. it's gotten to just below shoulders and I hurt so much washing and drying it. The fibro just kicks my butt dealing with having my arms up for so long with movement. Styling is nearly impossible. I kinda hate my hair anyway. I still have a lot of wigs, so it wouldn't be an issue. (I had them from when I shaved my hair in solidarity with my sister) I'm making a pro and con list. I hate that CPTSD exacerbates the fibro and vice versa. I'm freaking exhausted.
I bet you'll rock the look if you go for it! Change is good!
I'm sorry your fibro is acting up and flaring with the CPTSD. I did find those pains lessened a lot for me with more healing and feeling. It's not fair all the suffering that goes with the territory.
I'm hoping nothing happens this coming week. My therapist is taking a few days off, which means we're skipping a week. And my BFF is going out of town for 3 weeks.. Doing my best to not get depressed. My therapist also suggested I take the WHO DAS 2.0, start thinking about disability. That brings up lots of issues mentally.
Yikes, disability is really tough. I don't make a livable amount on it here (less than 80% of minimum wage), but I get by. Overall, I think it was good for me so I agree its a good idea to look in to. However, maybe it is best to wait until your therapist is back and can help you with all the things it may trigger?
I hope you don't get depressed too! Maybe this is a good time to take it easy and treat/pamper yourself if that doesn't have any nasty mental side effects?
I like your pros and cons list, I do that a lot too. Whatever you decide is best with your hair, I fully support you!
All the best! :)
:hug:
We'll be here for you while your T and friend are gone, let us know what you need.
Thanks, everyone! I'm sitting here with buzzed hair. The shower was so much easier to deal with. We're definitely not making final decisions just yet, I have to see my doc on the 3rd and they have to get my old charts, lots of stuff. I've been reading articles about disability and how to come to terms with putting that label on my limits. Jazzy, did you have the whole denied/appeal thing? I've worked in health insurance most of my life, so I'm actually very familiar with the process, as well as having helped my mom go through it in her last few years. At least I have the advantage of knowing the documentation they'll ask for. I do have my bro here to rely on, he lives with me. (Family of choice, not blood, which is why we actually like each other, LOL) I'll just check in a little more often while my T is away. I so appreciate this site.
Ugh. Last night sucked. I couldn't get sleepy before almost midnight. Then at some point, the chick next door is yelling at someone out front again. I will be SO damned glad when they move. (their triplex has been sold) Then after that but I don't know how long, I was awakened yet again by the flashing of cop car lights. I hadn't heard any siren though. But argh was that bright. Broken sleep is aggravating and always results in less energy and more pain the next day. I think they're out by Tuesday. I certainly won't miss her.
That sounds like a really rough night CactusFlower. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I hope you get some better rest tonight.
Good job taking action buzzing your hair to make things easier for yourself, that's great self care! :cheer:
I did go through the whole deny/appeal process and it destroyed me each time. I understand logically that it is "normal"... but it was so damaging. I really hope they adopt a better method soon. After 3 or 4 denials, I had someone do up a long official package presenting my case in the strongest possible terms, based on reports from doctors and psychiatrists, then it was finally accepted.
The label thing is extremely difficult too. I still feel uneasy/badly about it now, though less than before. I wish I could offer you something better or easier on that topic but I don't have much. I just did my best to focus on the fact that I was doing what was best for me and my health.
I'm glad you have your brother with you by choice. :)
The disability process and decision sounds really hard. Really hard. Confusing. Relieving and sad and maybe a bit incongruent.
I love that you decided to buzz your hair and give your aching arms a break for awhile.
What are you doing kind for yourself tomorrow?
Thanks, Jazzy. I'll choose a reputable agency/lawyers when i start the process, there are several good ones in town that will go through the whole thing. I think the thing I fear the most is because i haven't been able to make myself go to the doctor in the last couple years, they'll say I'm fine. But that was before the whole CPTSD piled on top of it. I'll do what I have to though. It feels strange because I am totally a disability advocate, but when it comes to myself, considering applying "Disabled" to myself brings up a huge amount of shame and feelings of failure. I'll have to work through where that's coming from. I've had fibro since about 2008 or so. I just don't tend to go to the doctor often because there's honestly nothing they can do. I refuse to become addicted to painkillers and anything stronger than extra-strength Tylenol tends to make me sleepy enough to be less functional. Yet it's still not a restful sleep. Sorry, babbling.
Armadillo - thank you, that question was exactly what I needed to hear and focus on instead this morning. I'm also considering getting a new mattress, as mine is over 10 years old and starting to compress (natural latex and foam). I have an adjustable twin bed, so that means twin xl, which is going to be around $500-900 dollars. I have it, I just hate spending so much at a time. I've narrowed it down to three choices now and just have to make a decision before the holiday sale goes off. but I also have to remember it'll last another 10+ years. It's always been hard for me to do things that will help myself. I might know why now because of therapy, but knowing doesn't make the feelings go away quickly. I was taught early on by my male parental unit that spending money on me was a waste. Got sidetracked. Kind for myself today... I'm honestly not sure. I might have to think about that. But it's a good thing to think about, at least.
I get that seeming strange to you, but it makes perfect sense to me and my experience! :) Everything you write here is very relatable. Unfortunately, I get what you mean about the doctor's too. While they may be limited to what they can do for fibro, they can certainly write letters and sign forms; their writings carry a lot of weight.
This is your journal; it is your place to write as much as you want! :) It sounds like you're doing well caring for yourself, which I'm happy to hear.
I hope you're feeling better soon. I know physical pain is difficult, especially when it is chronic. Even if that doesn't get too much better (though I suspect it may ease up a bit as everything else improves in therapy etc.) I hope your CPTSD and mental health get better.
I'm sorry to hear its so difficult to do things that are helpful for yourself. That's really important and it's horrible that you were taught the opposite. I think you're making good progress though. It's great you recognize that.
If nothing else, I think you did a good job being kind to yourself today by writing about your feelings and processing the things you find challenging. :thumbup: Buying that mattress is going to be a super awesome big thing that is kind to yourself too! :)
All the best to you!
Talking in a general discussion post here made me just realize (an plan to talk to my therapist about) that I don't really exactly know *how* to be kind to myself because I really have a sense of being completely unworthy of kindness that goes a lot deeper than I thought it did. Like, knee-jerk instinctual deep.
I had the male parental unit from right after birth (not the bio father, never met him) until they divorced when I was 11. He was military, so that means Mom and I came back to the USA by ourselves and she was now a single parent. (I'm an only child) Her family (from what she told me) were displeased that she got a divorce and were no help and little contact. After all, this was 1981 and they were the religious ones, so not a surprise. Mom was a strong, independent woman because she had to be. She believe in me, supported me, loved me no matter what, and always told me I could be anything I set my mind to. I didn't know until now, though, just how destructive, how pervasive, how literally life-changing those first 11 years of abuse really were, to still so affect me and bring all this to light at 51. Mom's been gone 9 years next month and I miss her so much. I think it would have truly hurt her heart to know what I'm going through right now, but some days, I just want someone to give me tea and buttered toast and tell me it'll be okay.
I'm sorry your mom is gone, Cactus Flower. She sounds protective and loving. Being kind to ourselves can be really hard. I really really struggle with that, viscerally. Maybe focus on tiny little kindnesses toward yourself and write them down here?
Also one thing that helped me. Just a little bit...but I'm quirky...is my T sent me a picture of like a cute little cartoon stuffed animal with bubbly print over it that said "love yourself" followed by "you stupid b*" which 1. Made me laugh and 2. Was just mean enough to myself to let me also think "love yourself" and not want to hurl. So I could think it and smile. Not for everyone for sure!
I'm sorry to hear that you don't exactly know how to be kind to yourself. That is really sad. However, it is awesome that you recognized that and already have an action plan to improve! That's great work! :applause:
You mention a really important thing to me here:
Quote from: CactusFlowerI didn't know until now, though, just how destructive, how pervasive, how literally life-changing those first 11 years of abuse really were, to still so affect me and bring all this to light at 51.
Those first years as a child are so important. They set the foundation for the rest of our lives. I find it's so much more difficult to change things for the better when I've never known better. I'm sorry that you were treated badly during that critical time. 11 years is a long time even as an adult; forever as a child.
Your mom sounds like an amazing woman. I'd love to have more people like that in my life. I'm sure she would be hurt to know what you're going through, but I think she'd also be proud that you're fighting through it all and growing better each day.
I can't give you tea and toast, but I can give you this:
It'll be okay! You're doing a great job, keep up the hard work. :hug: if it is positive for you.
:hug: Thank you, that does mean a lot. yeah, I had far more trauma that I ever realized once i started counting it all up, AND remembering things I had repressed before. I'm often stunned at how much I've lived through. I wrote it all up for my therapist and even she was surprised. I just took it one by one, so never thought it was "that bad". But it was. Especially collectively. I would like to think Mom would be proud of me for surviving. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be where I am now, I'd be a lot worse. Sometimes, I must admit, I do wish she was here so I could ask her about things. Being an only child means there's no one else to corroborate my memories. A weird feeling.
ugh. It's like the universe is testing me on the week my therapist is away. There were several stormy nights (I don't deal well with wind) and last night, a very loud live rock band playing until midnight nearby. I know it was a Friday, but this is a residential area, even if we're near downtown. And of course, the non-emergency police number had me on hold for 17 minutes. I finally gave up and eventually fell asleep around 1am. I don't do well with sleep disturbances and such. Plus, we can't really go anywhere until Monday because someone, who knows, hit my brother's car windshield with a hammer and he can't get in to get it replaced until Monday morning. (I live near the very downtown of a large city) I know we're lucky to not have had anything happen before and that it's not worse, but it's a bit aggravating to stay in because I *have* to, if that makes sense. Just... argh. I also had goals to do some sketching, and I haven't really been in the mood to do art. I just think all the crud accumulating is getting me down this week. I'm trying, but I feel very blah and numb. Trying to stave off the blah doesn't really do much, either.
I'm sorry your sleep was so disrupted. :( it's such a vicious cycle once it starts, too. I'll be rooting for good sleep for you tonight. And that your blah mood lifts as quickly as you want it to. Until then...
Embrace the blah! It's got something to say!
Sounds rough CactusFlower; I'm sorry to hear all this is hitting you at a sensitive time! It's totally understandable that stuff would get you down. I think anyone would struggle with it all. I've noticed that a lot of bad things tend to happen at once, as well. Hopefully it passes soon and you can get back to your sketching and other helpful activities.
Sending you some strength to help make it through. :)
Bit better lately. Some good things are happening to people I care about, so I'm sharing in their excitement and am happy for them. My cousin is getting a super sweet doggie and just has to wait another week or so for her to heal up well from the spaying. A good friend who's trans is finally getting surgery next week and is so happy to be even more their true self.
I wrote a little more on the questions in my CPTSD workbook last night. I mean, I read the questions and write in a word document. I don't write in the workbook because there's simply not enough room. It was talking about the various signs like emotional dysregulation, dissociation, all that. So I started with writing down examples from my own life that fit each one. Sheesh, it's like it basically wrote the blueprint of my life. It's very helpful in a way to be able to point to things and go, "oh, so that's why I do that/that explains that behavior completely." And at the same time, I'm all, "Ok, I see it. Now how do I FIX it?" And this is where my karmic test of learning patience comes in, ha ha. I just keep telling myself that it took the first 11 years of my life to survive it, I can't expect it to be gone overnight.
I thought of you yesterday as I saw a cactus with a beautiful flower on it while hiking in the mountains and it brought to mine your username. It surprised me to see a cactus on this hike - I was in a wooded area, higher elevation, very green. And there was this cactus.
It struck me as beautiful but also a symbol for us of how we have survived in less than ideal conditions and can still show others our beautiful blossoms.
I hope things keep moving in ways that feel supportive and good for you.
This is beautiful! I'm so glad you are seeing that positivity. :)
Thank you!
I moved to the SW of the USA, desert-ish mountains, about 2 and a half years ago when I finally left a very toxic 20-year relationship. I've always loved this climate and it has such a beauty of its own. That's exactly why some of my online presences now have names that have to do with cacti that flower. Survival in adverse conditions and even flourishing where others might not. I intend to eventually get a tattoo to mark this transformation in my life to the healing path (as I have other moments in my life), and a part of it will definitely be a cactus flower.
I haven't designed it, but I know I also want in the design a certain kind of local lizard that has a blue tail. If trapped by their tail, they can "shed" it to escape, and regrow it. And a chile pepper. They're associated with healing fire and healing foods in this area. So it'll all mean basically "I survived, I'm healing, and I intend to thrive".
This all sounds great CactusFlower!
Excellent job making those big changes in your life, to take care of yourself better! :applause:
I've always associated the Phoenix with the idea of rebirth and surviving the impossible, but I really like the lizard and the chile too! :)
Sage, I love this story. :hug:
That's beautiful cactus flower. :hug:
So, having worked in healthcare for many years, been raised on Monty Python and Dr. Who (thanks to USA public tv), and all my trauma, I have a rather unusual and dark sense of humor. I'm in several Facebook groups that provide similarly humorous things, including one for fans of the Welcome to Nightvale podcast. Someone posted this there this morning. I know it's supposed to be dark humor, but it actually really spoke to me. author unknown, please let me know if you know for credit.
One day, your skull will be as empty as a conch shell on a fence post,
full of wind and gentle quiet.
Today, it's a cauldron of ghosts.
Flesh and electricity.
Water and memory.
A machine that makes reality.
Now. Here. Your skull is the garden where fact flowers into meaning.
Wow. Just... Shivers. A cauldron full of ghosts is an excellent description. And like a garden, new things can be planted and weeds can be uprooted. Water and memory are fluid. I create my reality. I mean, seriously, shivers. I have to write this in my paper journal because this is SPEAKS to me. I might even share this with my therapist.
I find it so cool to come across wording that strikes us so. I appreciate you sharing as it includes some really interesting descriptions.
That's very powerful, thank you for sharing! :thumbup:
I feel a lot of emotion reading that poem too. I can see how it may be considered dark, but I see it as more realistic, and even that statement about finality seems positive "gentle quiet". :)
:hug: if it is positive for you.
Trigger Warning: animal in distress, vomit
Well, yesterday was utter crud. I was on the phone to my doctor's office and I think she thought I was blowing her off, when I actually had to get off the phone RIGHT THEN. The foot of my bed is about 10 inches or so from some rubbermaid storage containers that are in a corner and have blankets on top so the cats can see out of the corner two windows there. Pumpkin, my chubby tortoiseshell was chilling in the window. There are blankets between the bed and the containers. She started to have a hairball, and upchuck a little. However, she kinda seized up and rolled over. (She's weird, she does that if she barfs too hard) The problem was, she was still hairballing and landed on her back on the comfy blankets between. I barely heard the lady as I said goodbye, threw my phone down and uprighted her. My poor sweet baby! I took care of her, she's fine and I cleaned up, and she just laid on her pillow for a few hours until she felt better. This was all in the morning. I also definitely made my knee ache with how fast I got her to the floor and not the carpet... sigh. Cats.
However, I didn't fall asleep until almost 1am and I have a * of a headache this morning because I apparently clenched my jaw while I slept. All I could see was her upside down, clearly terrified because she was barfing and couldn't move. I kept crying during the day because honestly, if I hadn't been home and in the same room, she'd have choked to death. I love this fuzzball so much, she's family, my baby girl. I'm trying to decide if I should email my therapist and tell her, cause it's bothering me so much. The thought of her getting hurt... Now I'm agonizing if I should take everything comfortable off their window seat just in case, but then they wouldn't use it... My mind is going 90 miles a minute. Yeah, I think I will email her. This is bringing up a lot of crud. Unfortunately, Pumpkin isn't really a cuddler, so snuggling her isn't going to help either of us, LOL.
Sage, this sounds so difficult!
I would be absolutely beside myself in your situation. It's no wonder at all you were so upset. While it isn't nice that this was triggering for you, it is great that you love Pumpkin so much and take such good care of her.
I hope you are both find some peace soon. I'm sure Pumpkin was very upset too.
Would it be possible to ask a vet, or some other type of animal care specialist if there is anything that may help with the seizing and rolling? I have no idea what to do, but hopefully something can be done. You are on the right track wanting to prevent this from becoming a fatal problem. Hopefully someone else has another idea besides removing the blankets.
I'm glad Pumpkin is okay now. I hope you are too. :hug:
Thank you, Jazzy, for the hug. Yeah, my cats are my babies. If she seizes up again, I'll probably look for a vet. It's kind of hard since I'm unemployed and on a super tight budget, but I would eat ramen for a while if it meant helping my furkids. She's fine now. Fortunately, the food I have them on (rachel ray's nutrish) really keeps the hairball incidents down. For being shorthaired cats, they shed a heck of a lot. She's fine now and was even pestering me last night to play at 11pm, ha ha. I get why people have emotional support animals. My cats, every one I've ever had, know when I feel bad and are attentive and loving unconditionally. There are days I'd stay in bed all day if I didn't have them to take care of. They can make me smile when nothing else can.
I often joke that when I'm reincarnated, I wouldn't terribly mind coming back as a loved and spoiled cat, cause that's the life, LOL.
All that previous stuff made me think about a quality I have and if it's a good thing or not.
I've always kinda prided myself on the fact that, in a true emergency, I'm the take charge and get stuff done type. Like, to a commanding bossy point I never reach in everyday life. Washer overflowing? I grabbed towels, shut off water, yelled at ex to get all of his towels, run the fans after sopping it up, etc. See someone hurt? I'm the first to assign people to go get things, do this while I assess, tell someone to call an ambulance, whatever. Even something boiling over on stove? Tell brother to get me paper towels while I turn it off. I take care of whatever needs doing.
I don't react or break down until it's all over. Now that I'm going through all this I can see through the filters. Yes, I get stuff done. But boy howdy does that show how well and how rapidly I can compartmentalize and shut things off. I think it also shows how little I trust anyone else to step in and take charge, to take care of things, or even how little I trust them to know what they're doing when they're needed. Yet in normal everyday life, I am a serious conflict avoider, go with the flow, fawn type. I'm the last person to describe myself as, and am shocked when other people describe me as, any kind of leader. The very rare times I've taken charge in a non-emergency situation were when I was event planning. (no, I don't have the spoons to do that anymore, unfortunately.)
Once the emergency is all over, that's when I need to find somewhere away from people, somewhere quiet, and sit and shake and sweat. I know some of that is adrenaline letdown, but still... No crying, no upset, nothing but efficiency until it's over. Then I can go curl into a ball for several hours. Now that I look at this ability, part of me is still "it's a good thing to be able to function in a crisis"... but I can see the cost of what it took to do that and the wreck I am after. And maybe it isn't always a good thing. Lots to think about.
I'm glad you were there to be a support for another person. I can relate to this way of being too and the toll it takes. For me personally, I live with such anxiety and hypervigilance that it's almost like I'm in training for crisis. But when the crisis is "over" I'm still the person needing love and care and tenderness and understanding I didn't receive when I needed it and am still not going to find from being a go-to. I hope that you find some ease. I am so grateful you are in the world to help me learn and feel less alone.
:hug:
It's a helpful trait, but you're right, one with costs.
I'm glad your kitty is feeling better.
Yeah, that's a tough one.
I think it's good to be able to do that in an emergency. Things can get very bad, very quickly, if no one acts fast. It does come at a cost though, for sure. I think it's important to take extra time and have lots of support to help deal with the after affects.
Emergencies should only happen rarely, though. Like Rainydiary says, CPTSD is like training for a crisis. We're always dealing with emergencies... and I think that part is dangerous and hurtful.
I wish none of us had that training, but hopefully we can put it to good use when it is most needed.
--
I'm glad Pumpkin is feeling better now, and it sounds like you are too! :) You and your cats have a wonderful relationship, which is very encouraging to read. It's great that you take such good care of them. My cat, Tiger is sitting beside me right now on her own office chair. They're my babies too!
I can't help but wonder if people were a little more sensitive and kind, we trauma survivors wouldn't have such a hard time with them. I'm glad we have our pets though. Even if they're not registered therapy animals, I certainly find them therapeutic.
You're right, they do shed a lot. I wonder if a few extra brushes would help with the furballs. I'm sure you brush them enough, but maybe a bit extra would be helpful in her case.
TW: upper female medical procedure, went well
Had my mammogram this morning. I dreaded it, not because of hurt (they don't hurt me, I have a LOT of padding), just in general. it went super well, very very nice people. It's been a few years because I put them off. I know I shouldn't, but I just... Shrug. I don't like them, even though it's never a bad experience. I guess it's because it's just one more thing to think about and get done. Oh well, it's over with. They should read it tomorrow, get the results to my doc, and I get a letter. At least they were very explanatory. I even received a text later asking about "how'd we do" kind of survey. That's cool. After, we grabbed food at the Kolache Factory for lunch and came home.
The more concerning thing, I think is my anxiety on the roads. I'm a passenger. I don't drive, my bro is my transportation. I've never driven. I had driver's ed in high school which included a closed course then two days on the road and that's it, but I've never even gotten my license. Obviously, never owned a car either. I have been in several minor-ish accidents in my life and 99% of them have been on my side of the car. But the older I get, the more I get anxious in cars. I was really trying to tone it down this morning, but It felt like everyone was coming out of nowhere or trying to cut us off, whatever. So I'm the kind of passenger that inhales sharply, braces, moves a hand or foot, etc. I know that can be aggravating to a driver, but my bro is totally understanding. I utterly hate when we're on the highway and a semi is next to us. I don't know if it's because this is a busy week for me and I'm just ramped up in general or what, but it was even annoying me this morning. I was better coming home, so the appointment dread probably fed into it a little. Just ugh.
Random thought: There's been a terrible heatwave in my corner of the country. It's never (according to locals) hit in the 100's in June here before and we've had over a week of 100-104 F. I'm sure that makes everyone out driving a little crankier. Although I completely understand siesta now, cause I've had to nap in late afternoon to deal with the heat. Yuck.
Good job getting that mammogram done! I hate them! Done for at least a year so good for you!!!
I'm sorry driving was so uncomfortable and scary yesterday.
I think I'm getting people confused....are you the one whose brother is moving away? If so, I'm so sorry. It sounds like he is really good emotional and practical support for you.
LOL no, my bro is here to stay.
:cheer:
So glad that week is over. My BFF is back from his vacay a little early and we went out to dinner last night, that was super nice. Friday Morning, I had bloodwork at the lab, but they were all super nice, very good at it, and I was only the 4th one there when they opened so I got in and out really fast. We watered my BFF's plants one last time and noted he has an anthill he needs to get rid of before they each the house. It feels good to have someone who trusts me so much.
I had some frustration with the new printer today, though. I spent all morning trying to get it set up, the wireless network won't see it. The solution for that is to do the setup with a printer USB cable. Oh gee, guess what's not included in your purchase? Greedy lazy jerks. So I have to wait until that gets here Weds. to finish setting it up. Plus, I wasn't paying attention to the other cat, Varric, so he decided to be a little hellion to the point that I shut him out of the room for a couple hours. Argh. My hair's already grown out a bit, so I'm about to let my bro buzz it back down using the 12mm edge this time. It's so much easier to take care of, especially in the heat wave. My bloodwork was in pretty quickly and I could see the results in the patient portal. As I expected, my cholesterol and sugar are high, but at a level that's most likely fixable just with some dietary changes. At least I actually like salad. LOL I'm trying some low-fat yogurt/granola combo on nights it's just too hot to eat anything cooked. I also decided to revamp my old blog I haven't written anything on in a couple years and maybe not only talk about my issues and healing, but review things I try (tangible and processes) to make life easier. When I get that running again, I'll share it.
Wow, this sounds amazing Sage! Congratulations on all of this hard work and these accomplishments!!! :cheer:
Sorry to hear about your struggle with the printer. That kind of thing is super frustrating! Printers are the #1 piece of computer equipment that breakdown/malfunction etc. so I avoid them completely. I don't print very often, but when I do, I just pay a few cents per page to have someone else print it out. That saves me so much time, money, and headache!
Maybe this is something you can consider for the future. I'm sure things will work out when your new cable comes in though. :thumbup:
I like what you wrote about salad and yogurt/granola, that sounds great! Have you considered making your own dressing? I find that making my own dressing gives me control over how healthy or not my salad is, and I can slightly change it up each time I make it. This way I can not only make it how I really like, but also work on taking small steps to make it healthier and healthier over time. :)
Jazzy <3
Between my health issues, my bro's health issues, and his doing some pre-reqs before trying for grad school, we do kinda need a printer/scanner, alas. But there are places that print super cheap on the times we really need it.
I've thought about making my own dressing, but there are several low-fat/low-sugar ones I like, as I tend to prefer the vinaigrette types anyway. I actually don't like creamy dressings, so that helps. I'm changing it up slowly. For example, yesterday's dinner was a few slices of roast beef lunchmeat and slaw veggie mix with a dash of italian dressing in a tortilla rolled up, with some veggies on the side. Crunchy, yummy, much healthier than going to subway or something similar, and cool in this heat. I do find I'm not really craving the sweet stuff as much, so that's good. They key is to be healthy but not feel like you're depriving yourself. :)
Well, crud. I am wrung out and numb after quite the crying bout. I was contacted by an old friend to let me know that someone we both knew, someone I'd fallen out of contact with, passed away last night. This was hard. He was a kind and gentle person, always a supportive word, awful dad-type jokes, talented folk singer, just a sweet person at heart. That heart failed him. I know I kept seeing that he was on Facebook and thinking, "Oh, I'll say hi later." Now there is no later. He was a good person during a young adult stage of my life and an example of how good people should be. I bawled for at least half an hour because it's just so unfair. Then I cried a bit more when I realized this was the same month as my mom's passing years ago. June bites, apparently. I kind of numbly ate Subway for dinner and I'm choosing to have some cookies in a few minutes. I know I'm about that age where you start losing your older friends (he was only 61), but I- I don't know. This was someone who was close, he even took Mom and I in after a crazy landlord forced us out when I was in college until Mom found a place for us. Just amazingly giving person. I'm tired. I'm freaking tired of hurting. I'm angry because it's not fair such a good person went so young. I'm angry because now I'm looking at all my lost connections, wondering "Should I reach out and say hi before it's too late to do so?" I'm just... I don't want to feel right now.
I'm sorry to hear about the loss you are experiencing. I am here with you as you process this.
I'm so sorry you lost your friend, who maybe was like a mentor/parent figure too. And that it is the same month as you lost your mom. :hug: :hug: :hug:
He sounds like a great person and like this is a big loss. It's hard when you felt you should have reached out but didn't in time. Similar circumstance when I lost my granddad who was my biggest protector. I still cry thinking about how I had wanted to call him the night he died suddenly but didn't. Maybe writing him a letter with what you would have said to him would feel good, in a sad cathartic way?
That's a good idea, Armadillo. yeah, June is just my jinx month. Lost my own grandpa in June when I was 7, Mom in June 8 years ago, my friend this year... UGH. It's weird. I might try the letter thing. Talking to my therapist yesterday helped some, too. We chatted about how grief works differently for people.
Today, hopefully, will be better. I had a home lab test from my doc and managed to get that over with and returned to the lab first thing this morning. I hate getting up early, but the payoff is not waiting in line just to drop something off.
Also, my BFF is coming over today for lunch/a tea party. We're gonna use my pretty pink teacups and teapot I bought last month. He's bringing some tasty cucumber cream cheese sandwiches (no crust, dahling) and I'm making Coronation chicken salad to be served on butter lettuce leaves. He doesn't do sugar and I have to reduce my blood sugar, so we've got some sugarfree cookies (biscuits) to go with a strong Irish Breakfast looseleaf. (lemon thins and regular shortbread, yum) I'm grateful such treats exist and I love tea, so this is going to be fun. I'm tempted to have my stuffed animal bunny attend as well. (sorry, I'm old enough that "plushie" feels weird to say) This is going to be fun. :)
I bought some highly recommended earplugs last night. tons of great reviews and recommendations on multiple sites, comes with sizes xs to xl on the in ear cushion, and small enough that they don't apparently come out while sleeping. They have the tiny loops. https://www.loopearplugs.com/collections/all-products/products/quiet?variant=32811062788199 (https://www.loopearplugs.com/collections/all-products/products/quiet?variant=32811062788199) I got them in mint. I don't know how long it will last, but I found a code for %20 off from a great TikTok person (LOOPXKC20) who deals with overwhelm a lot. I hope they help.
Sage, I am sorry for your loss. :'(
It made me smile to think of you using your new tea set with a friend. I remember that was a special purchase for you. I hope your time is delightful.
Today's tea party was lovely! everything was so delicious, we chatted for a few hours, and Mr "i'm not crazy about tea" actually liked the looseleaf Irish Breakfast. Which makes me think he didn't like tea because it wasn't made strong enough, ha ha. I might be American, but if you can see the bottom of the cup, your tea is too weak. :D And so sweet, he bought me a package of Walker's shortbread! I love those! So it was a good day, I needed that.
I also have started ordering some small assistive devices. It's really hard sometimes to admit to myself I need those to do things, but I do. A sock puller, jar openers, and I put some more on my amazon list to get later on. Learning to admit I need help and ask for it has always been huge for me. I also have that whole instinctive reaction of "I would be taking up room a truly disabled person needs". It's an ongoing process to tell myself it's okay for me to need them too and my issues are just as valid. Really hits up against that whole shame and failure programming, you know? So hopefully those things will help a little, and then I can feel better about getting others. (like those bathtub clamp on handles)
Your tea party sounds wonderful, Sage! I hope I can have a tea party like that one day. :)
I'm glad to hear you are taking better care of yourself as well, with the assistive devices. I know exactly what you mean by feeling like we don't deserve proper help, like those things provide. I'm still working to convince myself I do.
I love how you're starting with the small things and working up to the bigger things That's excellent thinking! :thumbup:
Jazzy <3
Sage it sounds really really hard to have to need assistive equipment so I am really proud of you for getting what you need. That's really important self-care so :cheer:
Your tea party sounds so nice i would love to join you in spirit. I like my tea nice and dark and served in pretty pink cups. :hug:
Hello Sage.
I just read through your very first journal entry, and it was interesting to read that your disabilities were linked to fybromyalgia. This is something I feel sure is the case for me.
I hope that you continue to find ways to assist you and make life easier.
And like every one else, I think that your tea party sounds perfect.
TW: female medical procedure, not graphic
I look forward to the assistive devices, the more I think about them. I also have put one of those shower benches that are inside/outside the tub and have a handle to possibly help with fatigue and pain days. My BFF happens to be a social worker with decades of experience through work and otherwise, and he recommended asking for a PT/OT evaluation referral. It should help with the documentation for disability as well. I have some forearm crutches I got free from a local person that I will start using instead of my cane (mostly for balance, not weight bearing) and I plan on decorating them with those patterned duct tapes. I know there's a galaxy-looking one out there.
I also will be asking my doc for a letter so I can get one of those disabled parking hanging placards. They're for the person regardless of what car they're in, so whomever is driving me can use it. (I don't drive) That will be very helpful when we have to shop at large stores with crowded huge parking lots, like Walmart, which exhaust me before I even get to the door.
I could have really used those earplugs I just ordered last night. I wasn't sleepy until about 11:30, then after I go to bed, two gals seem to think it's fine to have a loud conversation outside their home that time of night, AND a police helicopter was circling overheard (I live near the downtown of my city) for at least 20 minutes. No sirens, though. It was really hard to get to sleep. Especially with the 4th of July coming up, I want those earplugs ASAP. Some idiot a block over was setting off some fireworks yesterday. I reported them, but this town is bad about responding to that for some reason. I'll report them every time. Fireworks here are illegal except on the 4th itself, they were clearly too large for a residential area, and we've had a lot of local fires and a drought this year. Grrrrr. I'm just grateful the cats don't seem to care much about it.
Medical issue: The mammogram place wants me to come back for more images and an ultrasound. They "have an area of concern." This usually means they screwed up an image. They scheduled me for July 14th. Having worked in healthcare, I get how things happen. If it was truly a big concern, they'd get me in a lot sooner. I think the issue here is they still haven't gotten my old ones to compare things to because someone somewhere dropped the ball. They requested the old ones (different state and several years ago), place said they were sent, current place doesn't have them. grrrrr. Now I have to call the old place and tell them send it again. I can deal with things, it's just so annoying when people don't do what they should. it really triggers my anger because of years of "doing all the work" both physically and emotionally in relationships. I don't need it in other areas as well. At least I'm able to take a step back, have a cuppa, then take care of junk. Aggravated. That's a good word.
Medical records update: They actually DID get the records, the place in Seattle apparently can't give you a straight answer as to when things were actually mailed. But my current location has them and they are in my chart now. Christmas Crackers. That was an ordeal of phone calls. I suppose at least they didn't get lost in the PHYSICAL MAIL they were sent by in this day and age.
I'm sorry to hear you're frustrated, Sage
It is perfectly understandable though! I would be quite frustrated dealing with all of this stuff as well. It's great that you're pushing through it all though. Those phone calls would have taken a lot out of me, but you got them done! :thumbup:
I'm glad to hear your BFF has knowledge and experience which will be helpful to you. I love it when things like that work out. :cheer:
I like the sound of that duct tape! I also like how you sit down to have a cuppa to regroup. That's some great self-care! :applause:
<3 Jazzy
:hug:
That's a lot and I'm glad you have a friend to help you navigate the system. Stupid mammogram follow ups. Why don't they just start with the good ones in the first place? Grrr. Pet peeve sorry.
Thank you, Armadillo. I just have to remind myself that stuff happens and it's all to help me stay healthy as I can be. It's also not uncommon to be a little harder to read when one is... Endowed, shall we say. HA HA
not terribly sure how I feel today. Physically, a little more blah, but I made unhealthy eating choices the last couple days and am reminded by this heavy feeling why I'm changing that. Even if the apple pie ice cream tasted good in the moment, ha ha. Emotionally... A little all over the place.
The good parts are getting some empty containers out of the living room and into the garage with my bro's help, that cleaned up a whole corner of the living room. I constantly fight clutter and it's a slow process. But this made the room feel a lot bigger and brighter, which made me feel lighter.
A difficult, but good part, is accepting that I need help. I thought I'd dealt with this not long after developing Fibromyalgia. Learning to cope. Mitigation strategies, etc. Not well enough. It's turning out to be really hard to admit to myself that I am disabled. That's even hard to write. I will be purchasing various assistive devices for around the house and all, as I mentioned, but buying doohickeys doesn't feel the same as saying, I am disabled. I found myself justifying the things. Like, "The reacher grabber thingy is normal, I'm only 5 feet tall and that's annoying." or "A bathtub bench is fine, I have bad knees." Like I have to have a legit reason other than just being disabled. It's a very strange and unpleasant feeling to work through.
A negative emotion, well, several, cropped up recently. It hit HARD. A memory came up of the male parental unit jokingly saying at one point to my saying I was his, "That doesn't mean I have to keep you." I'm not even totally sure how old I was when he said that, and other adults were laughing, but I completely re-experienced a blinding moment of devastation and the terror of being abandoned. It never happened, but that fear was utterly paralyzing and explains a lot about my being fawn/freeze in reaction style. It constantly amazes me to realize how many throw-away comments affected me beyond belief.
I've also noticed that the minor irritations in life are the same frequency, but seem to be increased in intensity. For example, the last 3 nights, someone in the neighborhood has been setting off fireworks. Where I live, they're illegal except on the 4th itself, and can only be up to a certain size in a residential area. Well, these are clearly too big, they have the "whumpf" when they go off. Our city has a method for reporting them, but cops never respond and nothing ever gets done. (another reason I want my earplugs to arrive soon in the mail) I have reported them in the same block all 3 nights and no one ever shows up. Why have the law if you clearly don't care about enforcing it? As you can see, the irritation spikes into aggravation much quicker than it used to. I don't know if it's because I feel safer expressing the anger I always repress or if it's dysregulation. I might have to talk to my therapist about this next session. The anger is scary to me.
Yeah, it's extremely difficult to admit to having a disability. You did a great job writing that out here though. I'm impressed that you wrote it out and didn't even delete it afterwards. Good job! :)
Quote"That doesn't mean I have to keep you."
What the *?! What a horrible thing to say! It's also disgusting that the others were laughing! :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
I can't even continue to write properly without taking a break, that is too upsetting. I hope you're feeling better soon.
<3 JazzyUpdate after a short break: Thank you for sharing that
Sage. It is good you wrote that out.
I understand the anger being scary, it is for me too. It is important though. I hope you work through it in a healthy way, and that your therapist can help. :)
:hug:
Sage.
I can't imagine how hard it is to come to grips with having disability and having to come to terms with the assistive equipment. I think it is a good sign though you are accepting it instead of fighting reality right now.
That was a cruel comment from MPU and cruel of others to laugh.
TW: discussing abuse and self-harm
Seeing something in Laurel's journal made me think. I think we do have that since of minimizing/diminishing our pain in able to cope sometimes. (the "it wasn't that/so bad" concept) But honestly, I think we get messages from outside that reinforce the problem because of how things are portrayed. If the media talks about child abuse, we immediately think of physical abuse. That's what is sensationalized, paid attention to, whatever. If we hear about self-harm, we're trained to think about cutting and not other methods. I don't mean to trigger anyone, but it's built into our entertainment for a sitcom mom to say things like "kids elsewhere have it worse, so do X" We're taught early that it has to be serious and obvious before we deserve relief or help. Just like other invisible disabilities. These constant messages pile on top of whatever poop we were told and so we constantly downplay our own problems. I do it too. I have to constantly fight myself on coming to realize that not only am I disabled, I deserve whatever help there is to function and live decently, versus "Oh, I'm not that disabled" or the impostor syndrome muttering in my head that I'm taking up resources that a "truly" disabled person needs. My own sense of shame and guilt makes it hard. I've even caught myself doing it about my fibromyalgia. "Oh, I don't have it as bad as some people, I don't end up in the hospital for it." it's hard to tell myself that doesn't matter, it's still valid and disabling if I have to balance getting anything done versus the pain and exhaustion it might cause. Our society has made illness and disability into a flipping contest, and that's so frustrating. I hurt. I cannot function some days. I now have flashbacks and dysregulation and all kinds of stuff. I deserve some quality of life in whatever time I have left, dag nabbit. (I feel like Ned Flanders on here sometimes, LOL) I haven't had that experience yet, but I'm afraid I will someday, where I hear the stories about other people being told "you're not sick enough" for something. I'm just hoping if it happens, it's not on a bad pain day, because I have a tendency to lose my politeness filter when I feel that bad. :)
I appreciate you raising this as I think about it too. I think it took me a long time to realize i had experienced abuse because it was primarily emotional, psychological, and neglect. At times there were physical elements, but often it was the stuff that could probably be explained away as "parenting."
I have also asked myself the question if I have a disability. Again, our society and world is pretty messed up with disability and how to support and acknowledge. I would say I do have a disability because the way I function interferes with my daily life. The way it interferes isn't obvious to others and I think that is what bugs me. I can't really "prove" it other than to explain how I feel.
I often wonder if my teachers ever suspected that something was going on with me. I would guess not because I was a good student. But I wonder. I'm not sure what they could have done. Maybe talked to me so I would have felt less alone.
I am trying to focus on how my experience matters. The way I think and feel matters. What happened to me overwhelmed my ability to cope and feel safe and valued.
Sage. You DO deserve peace and comfort and help. It is mind boggling the blind eye people turn and how little assistance is out there for mental health which hhheeeeyyyy we all know equals physical health too.
And yeah, Rainy. I wonder the same about teachers too. I have a lot to say about that topic. It hurts me so much to think what people saw and did nothing about. But it's for another post.
Thank you all.
I honestly doubt teachers saw anything wrong back then. Not only did we present as a "normal" and successful enlisted Air Force family, I excelled in school. I actually liked studying and reading (well, everything but math) and turned to teachers as sources of sincere compliments. I quickly learned that even if Male Parental Unit was parading my intelligence as a reflection of his parenting rather than my own skill, other adults would be impressed. not having a lot of close friends due to moving every 1-2 years (and sometimes more often within the same assignment, like on base or off-base), I dissociated by being a voracious reader. It was encouraged not only for intelligence, but because I was quiet and out of the way while doing so. (in my interpretation now) I can lose hours in a good book. Being a fast reader too, meant more time spent at the library, always a calm quiet refuge. When you grow up being a fast reader, you have to utilize the library if you can't afford to always be buying even used books. Back then, I could get a pretty good used book exchange rate, but those kinds of bookstores weren't often around. At least not overseas.
I did hate class time where we had to read out loud, though. Being a good reader, I also can read out loud very well. So other kids would accuse me of basically kissing up to the teacher by doing that so well. Or if we had to read something in silence, I'd always finish first. On the rare occasion a teacher would ask me questions to prove I'd read it and wasn't goofing off, I got them right, then the peer pressure for again being teacher's pet happened. UGH. I still love reading, though. Thank goodness it doesn't hurt to read. :) Looking back, I can totally see how I'd latch onto a favorite teacher because being "good" actually worked and got approval and praise. Probably explains why the majority of my friends in life were usually older than me and I didn't feel I had much in common with people my own age. Interesting. I'll have to tell my T about that.
Anyone else have the Reading comprehension things that were a large box of cards (maybe the size of a book cover) and you read something about the length of an article, maybe 2 pages, then answered the questions about what you read, then got the next card in the box? I tended to WHIP through those sets.
I had sent a letter to my doctor to be put in my chart and read by anyone I interact with. It explains that I might dissociate and how that can look, that I'm not just "not paying attention" or "zoning out", etc. Got a reply this morning thanking me and assuring me it'll go in my chart. She seems decent so far.
I know healing/recovery- okay, you know, I'm not sure how much I like those terms. Sometimes I can be kind of literal in my meanings (ironic since I write poetry). I think those both imply there is an end to it, that there will come a point when one can say, "okay, I'm done, I'm fixed." But is that really the case? Our very brains were changed by what happened. Perhaps consistent improvement? But again, it's not linear progression. It is entirely possible that 15 years from now, I could have another memory surface or emotional flashback hit, no matter how good I am at that moment. I'm looking on thesaurus.com for synonyms and they don't totally work for me either.
Reformation - I can't reform it into what it once was. Reform into something new, maybe, but then it's not re-forming. Restoration. Again, not going back to what was before, obviously. Recuperating? Maybe, but has the implication of again getting to an end point and makes me think of Victorian women lounging about in pegnoirs, trying to get over the vapors, LOL. Rehabilitation actually comes close, as the dictionary says it means a return to a state of good health. Not the same state. Of course, there's the social stigma of "rehab", but just don't use that short form maybe. Readjustment also isn't too bad. Hmmm. Went off on a tangent there, but something to think about.
Anyhow, I know it's not linear progress to an end goal. It just feels like the past couple weeks have been worse. The intrusive thoughts at bedtime are worse. I personified my Inner Critic, gave it a personality and a name and all, and it helps in general. But at the same time, when I'm lying in bed with the lights off and my brain decides that it's a good time to go "wouldn't it be horrific if someone threw you off the side of a boat?", I feel... They just get so outlandish, so unrealistic yet terrifying and violent sometimes, that I have to tell my Inner Critic out loud to stop doing that. Then I feel weird for doing that. Just... UGH. I'll probably talk to my T today about it. I also plan on getting something OTC to help me sleep this coming weekend. 4th of July is my least favorite due to the neighborhood buttheads who set off ones far too big for a residential area, and keep going with others until 2 or 3 am. Thank goodness my cats aren't bothered by it. I suppose that's something.
I appreciate you communicating your needs with your providers and am glad they seemed responsive. :hug:
I also appreciate your questions and seeking of the words to describe your experiences. It is so tough and I think about that a lot too. Our ability to communicate is so cool while also so limiting at times.
I appreciate your reflection on how this isn't linear. I often want it to be and get upset when it isn't. We are such complex beings and thus complex approaches and understanding are needed.
Quote from: CactusFlower on June 29, 2021, 04:18:09 PM
Anyone else have the Reading comprehension things that were a large box of cards (maybe the size of a book cover) and you read something about the length of an article, maybe 2 pages, then answered the questions about what you read, then got the next card in the box? I tended to WHIP through those sets.
I remember those, but don't remember what they were called. I don't think that I was crazy about the little stories because I preferred to be lost in a novel.
Quote from: CactusFlower on February 24, 1975, 08:51:33 PM
I know healing/recovery- okay, you know, I'm not sure how much I like those terms. Sometimes I can be kind of literal in my meanings (ironic since I write poetry). I think those both imply there is an end to it, that there will come a point when one can say, "okay, I'm done, I'm fixed." But is that really the case? Our very brains were changed by what happened. Perhaps consistent improvement? But again, it's not linear progression. It is entirely possible that 15 years from now, I could have another memory surface or emotional flashback hit, no matter how good I am at that moment. I'm looking on thesaurus.com for synonyms and they don't totally work for me either.
Anyhow, I know it's not linear progress to an end goal.
I'm on board with you on this. I refer to
it as
my journey.
Ugh that whole teachers pet dynamic....that was very damned if you don't damned if you do! Poor cactus flower.
I don't know those cards! But then again I don't remember *. ;D
You make a lot of good points about the terminology for "recovery" gosh especially when there's no pretrauma point to recover! My T refers to it as "the path" or finding the middle path. Buddhists, lol. 😁 But, it kind of works.
I'm kinda Buddhist/Pagan, so path or journey works for me!
Today was okay. Bro helped me get the large "donate" pile of stuff to Savers, so I have quite the bit of recovered real estate in the living room now. It feels nice. He also got his quarterly box of Bi-Pap supplies. They always send way too much and the wrong hose, and he's still working on a box 3 back from this one, so I'm helping him give it away on a Buy Nothing group. Some have expressed interest already. At least someone will be able to use them. Then we picked up dinner and brought it home. My state opens fully today, but I'm still wearing a mask until they get a handle on that variant in the USA. Especially since a study in England just released is calling fibromyalgia an autoimmune disorder now. Well, it's what one study found, and it's nowhere near doing anything to help, but hey. Better safe than sorry. I don't honestly expect them to totally figure it out and find a cure in my lifetime. Heck, the drugs on the market aren't even that useful. Lyrica? Only forks for about 60% of fibro patients. Not good enough, IMHO.
I also (a couple days ago) ordered replacement cuffs for the forearm crutches I got from that same group. The coating was cracked, but apparently these are a really good brand, so those parts are available. They should be here maybe sat or tuesday, hopefully. I also have patterned duct tape to decorate them like I've seen a lot on the net. This should be quite amusing. one tape is all dark starry galaxy, and the other is pink with kitty cats. Not Hello Kitty, alas, but close. No one said they have to match. I also found the DMV (dept of motor vehicles for non-Americans) form online to get the disabled parking thing that hangs from a car mirror, so I'll need my doc to fill that out. Then that can be used in any car I'm in. Think of a large Wal-mart parking lot that's pretty full, which is often. Parking halfway out or further and I'm exhausted by the time I even get inside. UGH.
Feeling a bit blah lately. not sure why. Probably a comedown from therapy yesterday where we discussed anger and dissociation, like swings on a pendulum. Just... Meh.
I saw that study and had to laugh that it took mice getting sick for people to believe women. Grrr.
But I am sorry you are and have been suffering to such a great extent with an invisible disease that is disabling. You're strong to be managing through this.
Your brother sounds very kind.
He really is. Chosen family, not actually related by blood, we've just known each other 15+ years. he has his own issues like ADHD and more and lives with me, but we consider each other siblings. It helps because we totally understand each other's issues and can be supportive.
Thank you for your kind words. I do get really blanking tired of managing sometimes, though. :)
Yea, getting stuff to Savers. I bet it feels freeing to have stuff out of your living room.
I'm glad that you are getting things (replacement cuffs, disabled parking tag, etc.) that help you. You deserve every item that makes your life a bit easier. I love that you're going to decorate your crutches with duct tape. They do not have to match!
I understand you feeling tired and bleh. Even the simplest things are exhausting when there is pain involved. It's great that you have realized this and are taking actions to help in the future! :thumbup:
I hope all goes well and you find the peace and relaxation you need, if only for a moment. :)
<3 Jazzy
Having to manage sucks, you're right! I wish you didn't have to manage. :hug:
I've noticed some interesting reactions to things. Being aware of my reactions doesn't mean they're fixed or that I stop having them, just for now that I notice them as they happen.
I was going to post in here about the jerks in my neighborhood who do fireworks (they are technically only legal on the 4th) and ones clearly too big for a residential area, you can tell from the sound. Last night was particularly bad. And, our local cops have made it so there's not really an effective way to report them and even if called, they don't bother, so that's aggravating. I'll also have to go to the pharmacy and get some cheap earplugs, my good ones aren't going to be here in time, obviously.
ANYHOW. My initial thought on thinking about posting that was "Nobody wants to hear negativity all the time." Then there was a flash of guilt for "dumping" here so much, even though that's kind of what it's for. I could hear that programmed voice in my head (not literally) start its insidious "if you post nothing but negative stuff, they'll get tired of listening to you and ignore you." I've had to play the "always be positive, you be the strong one" role for a long time, and I'm still getting the guilt and shame when I open up. I mean, at least I can recognize it when I feel it, that's something.
I then was thinking about the Monday evening videos by the CPTSD Foundation on youtube that have live chat. Very very nice and supportive people, I like attending those. But.... As to be expected, the facilitator/speaker has a life too and sometimes that means it doesn't happen that week. I had about 5 or 6 before the first skipped one. (health issues for her AND her landlord is selling the bldg, so she has to move soon) This past Monday was a skipped due to health ones. Everyone is totally understanding, myself included, when it comes to self-care, and the facebook group is nice. But it doesn't have the same sense of "community" or closeness that this forum does for me, even though that is closer to real-time responses. I think that unpredictability makes it hard for me to open up as much and trust. Like, you only get an hour or so live chat, and you might end up going two weeks between sessions, blah blah blah. Long story short, it's good and helpful, but I like it here better. I feel like with the interaction and journals, I know people here better and we trust each other more and are therefore more supportive, if that makes sense. I just hadn't realized until now how much that "we're skipping this week" was affecting my trust levels. Maybe I'll explore that with my therapist, because there's clearly some issue there I don't have a conscious memory for.
To leave it on a positive note, I have someone coming today to get a bunch of empty boxes, so that will be a little more open space in the living room. It feels a lot better in there, even if I don't sit in there most of the time. Oh poop, I gotta catch up on Loki! Maybe I'll watch some Muppet Show. That's one positive about Disney+ is all the old episodes of the Muppet Show. I get to re-watch one of my most loved and happy things I had as a child. :) If I were a Muppet, I would be.... Gonzo. weird, creative, off-center sense of humor, not well understood by others, and not worried about what others think of how he identifies. LOL
:hug:
I can only speak for myself but I don't expect you to be overly positive here. I appreciate reading the lows, the highs, and everything in between. Hearing others struggling in a way I can relate to; seeing the ebbs and flows of triggering, of dissociation, and self doubt from others is helping me recognize the patterns for myself too. That some days are low days, and then there's a shift. I appreciate being able to support people in ways that others in the real world cannot because they don't understand or we don't trust to let them in. I appreciate getting that support from others. I appreciate having a spot I can let it and let people see what is really happening in here. There's no where else I can do that. So, I hope it's ok to complain, to have several negative posts, etc.
I am sorry you are having a sad or negative few days. That's ok. I hate fireworks too especially illegal. They trigger me as well from a couple yucky incidents when I was a kid and also just the sounds and feeling like the animals are scared and being afraid they will start fires near my home. You aren't alone in hating this and we get it...it isn't just the nuisance. I'm sorry the police are not cracking down enough. :hug:
I'm glad you find this forum helpful. I do too. I can't imagine a real live support group would feel the same. There's more choice here, more control over how we show up and interact and when. We've got your back here when and how you want it.
Thank you so much, Armadillo. :hug: That learning to reach out is a hard part, isn't it? honestly, as introvert as I always have been, I don't think I'd do as well in a live actual therapy group, and certainly not in person. I'd either feel pressured before I was ready or never speak at all, and I know the facilitators don't encourage that. :) This forum is definitely the right place for me to be at this place in my journey, and I am deeply appreciative of that. It feels safe to share here.
Quote from: CactusFlower on July 03, 2021, 03:15:18 PM
ANYHOW. My initial thought on thinking about posting that was "Nobody wants to hear negativity all the time." Then there was a flash of guilt for "dumping" here so much, even though that's kind of what it's for. I could hear that programmed voice in my head (not literally) start its insidious "if you post nothing but negative stuff, they'll get tired of listening to you and ignore you." I've had to play the "always be positive, you be the strong one" role for a long time, and I'm still getting the guilt and shame when I open up. I mean, at least I can recognize it when I feel it, that's something.
Sage,
This is the place where you can be who you are and express whatever you are feeling. No need to put on a happy face or a positive spin. I understand the inner voice saying to be happy or positive. Unfortunately, there are places where we have to do that, in my case, at work, for example. Having to "look normal" as a child when h*ll was happening was an incredible burden. I welcome your realness.
And after all that this morning, a super positive thing happened!
I'd wondered for quite a while if a weighted blanket would help me, but everywhere I looked, the right weight just would NOT fit in my budget. Well, that facebook Buy Nothing group where I got the forearm crutches, someone was giving away a weighted blanket and I'm the chosen recipient! And it's a gorgeous blue with gold starry/galaxy-ish pattern on it and the right weight for my size. I am so grateful to the universe and the nice lady for choosing me. I never thought I would have one. Now, could the weather ease off a little so I can try it for an hour or so? LOL
Also got some cheapo ear plugs at the drugstore, so maybe those will help a little tonight since my good ones haven't arrived yet. productive-ish day!
I hope you enjoy the items. I have a weighted blanket and enjoy using it.
:cheer: Glad you got the weighted blanket. I made mine and it's a little too heavy. I thought I'd just use all the pellets! I do use mine fairly frequently.
Alas, the cheap earplugs. you get what you pay for. In this case, that means that they are too big and won't stay in, so I'm giving away the rest. (14 pairs in a bag, that was the smallest amount I could find.) They're those squishable foam cones. I can squish them down and insert them correctly, but when they expand back up, they just won't stay in. I really wish my others had come in time. (loop brand, they're like earbuds) I get kind of aggravated with myself for not reading the entire website I bought them off of. I'd seen them on amazon before and hadn't paid much attention. But then I saw a vid from @domesticblisters on TikTok (she is AMAZING) and decided to get them. The link she gave went to the company's website. I figured, oh look, with shipping they're a little cheaper than going through amazon, surely getting from the home site will be fast. It says 5-10 business days... I can do that. The only place it indicates where they ship from is in the FAQ. How many people read the FAQ every time they order something? So they're coming by Deutschepost from the Netherlands. AAAUUUUGGHHH Which, okay, the DP tracker says they're here in the states already. But there isn't an update since the 30th, when it said they were "at the sorting center" after hitting the USA. Like... What center? where? and why is there no update since the 30th? I even went back to the webpage. Agreeably, it hasn't been 10 business days just yet and their site says "there can be shipping delays"... But how long after the 10 days do I wait before I ask for a refund? another week? I should have just paid the 5$ difference and gotten them off amazon. I did not expect a link from an American to go to a website shipping from the Netherlands. They better be good.
And breathe. I'm just on edge from the interrupted/less sleep this holiday weekend. Patience is definitely my lesson this lifetime.
That's weird, and frustrating...
Also, i'm confused that something coming via the Netherlands would use Deutschepost, considering Deutschepost is German. We don't use that here in the Netherlands. Weird...
I hope they arrive soon!
Which is why I went back to the website, because I originally thought when I got the tracking that it was coming from Germany. So I went to see if I could find how long it was supposed to take, and the FAQ said shipped from the Netherlands. But the tracking says Germany. Maybe the business has a branch they ship from? It's so confusing. It's not a fake site or anything. My main annoyance was it taking so long once it hit here in the States. I'm concerned that now that it's here, the international tracking might end, so I won't know when they're actually going to arrive. *shrugs* If they still aren't here around business day 15 or so, I'm gonna try for a refund. We'll see.
from the tracker:
Item arrrived at sorting center
on 30.06.2021 14:02
Tracking History
Date Status
24.06.2021 Shipment information uploaded to Deutsche Post
25.06.2021 Item received at Deutsche Post Mailterminal
26.06.2021 Departure to destination country
29.06.2021 Arrival at importing country
30.06.2021 Item arrrived at sorting center
Note
Shipment details shown are only for registered items.
Online delivery information is not available for all destinations.
Item status details in the destination country are solely dependent on the timely update from post office of destination.
Sent From
60549 Frankfurt am Main
Germany
From the FAQ:
We ship worldwide from our central warehouse in the Netherlands. Standard shipping orders are handled by Deutsche Post and then transferred to the local postal carrier in the destination country.
Standard shipments in Belgium and The Netherlands are handled by Post NL and DHL.
Not horrific last night, surprisingly. I decided about 8pm when they started with the fireworks everywhere to put earbuds in and find a nice meditative 8-hour binaural beats video on youtube. Did that while playing games, reading, email, etc., until about 11:30pm, took gummies, then managed to sleep halfway okay. They were mostly done by then, thank goodness. Also, it was hot so I had my fan on all night. Whatever works, right?
Not working, I sometimes lose track of the days. I laughed cause I found myself checking the mail today, then remembered hours later it's a holiday. (For others, the USPS doesn't deliver on federal holidays) Derp. And it might not be the healthiest choice, but I have enough points in an app for a free pizza, so that's tonight. We arranged to pickup groceries today. I really love this concept, it's brilliant. Shop online, go during the arranged time window, they make sure it's you, load your trunk, then you leave. it's quite efficient. And apparently the grocery store is better at it than wal-Mart. The last two times we've done WM pickup, we've arrived in our time window and sat there for just over an HOUR before they brought it out. Ugh. Grocery today? barely 2 minutes before it came out. We'll definitely use that again for whatever doesn't have to be gotten inside. (like prescriptions)
Also, I do have a buzzcut hairdo at the moment, but I'm sorely tempted to dye it pink for the heck of it.
Just had to add that I finally got around to putting on the tub safety handle. (it's this one https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07XSF5NR3/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 (https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07XSF5NR3/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1))
Oh My Goodness. This is a game changer. I'm still tired at the end of a shower, but I didn't feel like I was going to fall, either getting out of the tub OR getting dressed. That thing is heavy and very sturdy and so easy to put on.... I love it.
It's wonderful that you feel so much better after your shower with the handle! :cheer:
It sounds scary that you felt like you were going to fall in the past! I'm so pleased you are listening to yourself and acting to improve your life. :hug:
<3 Jazzy
Yeah, I like my showers hot, but being exhausted at the end can lead to a little dizziness or just balance issues if I've been hurting all day. This thing, though... So helpful. This success is really empowering to help me accept the use of other devices if I need them a little better. :)
I think a pink buzz-do is highly called for.
:cheer:
Good job getting the tub handles in!!!!
Another positive moment: My earplugs arrived! I had emailed them to ask, they do ship from the Netherlands, but they have a contract with Deutschepost, so they take a side trip to Germany. Still, the longest part was once they hit the USA, cause our USPS isn't the fastest and there were Sundays and a holiday in there too. But they're here and they're freaking amazing. The silicone is soooo soft, and it's not that hard to change tips. The XS buds are perfect. All other earplugs I've had in my life have hurt because they're too big. I guess I have small ears. But these are great and even have a cute little carrying case no bigger than about 4 stacked quarters or like a thick apple watch face. And the blocking... Oh happy day.
Our landlord has a lawn service that comes on Tuesdays and they were mowing right outside my window as I opened the package. I got these in and my shoulders literally dropped in relief. It's not total blocking, I can hold a conversation and hear my keyboard as I type, etc. it's just not... as overwhelming. I love these. If anyone gets, them, Amazon has some of the colors and you wouldn't be waiting a week and a half. 10/10, in my opinion, they'll be going everywhere with me now.
And another positive interaction!
So, I hadn't had a ship notice for the cuff replacements for my forearm crutches. I emailed to basically ask what's up with that. The very kind and responsive customer service person (Cascade Healthcare Solutions, if you need any medical equipment) explained that it's a manufacturer delay and they expect the shipment to get into port July 14th, then Medline will send them all out to the company orders. He even asked if I wanted a refund, but explained that they would be hard to find anywhere since they're waiting to get to port. So it may be another 2 weeks, I bet, but I'm not mad. Treat your customers right, be honest and polite, and I can wait. No wonder they're better business bureau certified. :)
TW: medical dental visits
Finally got the in-person appointment for my Dr. for multiple reasons. (access is an issue in this state, unfortunately. Not quality, but you wait for appts.) It's on the 28th and even though I set it and it's needed, I feel the anxiety when I think about it. I haven't been to the doc in a couple years since moving here, and I don't like going anyway. Even when it turns out well, I still feel like I'm going to be judged and called a failure/weak/loser or I'll finally have that encounter so many hate where everything is blamed on my weight. Haven't yet, but I dread it. it's made harder with something like Fibromyalgia because there is only mitigation and coping, there isn't a cure. It will never go away. It will likely never get significantly better. And it's also a PITA when you change Dr's, hope they understand and are educated, and have to explain everything all over again.
I think some of it comes from the doctors I had as a kid, definitely. I know it's a terrible stereotype that drs (and dentists) in the military are there because they can't cut it in the real world. But 40+ years ago as a kid, that was my experience. They didn't care how I felt, rarely talked to me at all, were rough and abrupt, and it was like I was a burden every time. And I didn't even need them much other than preventative care. I've never had anything as a kid worse than a night of food poisoning, never broken a bone, etc. But there always seemed to be that air of "okay, you're fine, you're done, get out" in those offices. And the military dentists were even worse. Never a concern for my pain tolerance, and nitrous oxide does nothing for me. Just shaming me for a small mouth crowding my teeth, but never suggested braces that I know of. It was just more of the "can't do anything right" shaming.
My doc has received my former records, at least, so that got done. And they put my note explaining my CPTSD and how I might dissociate in my chart. So I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. She's okay on the phone, so... we'll see. I just hate waiting, because that just gives time for those worst-case scenarios to pop up in my head and freak me out. Next week's second mammogram/US is wigging me out enough. I was laying in bed last night thinking, what if they find something for real? what if it's terminal? Who would I leave my stuff to? I had to yell at my Inner Critic again to get that voice to shut up. UGH. just UGH.
I hear how difficult this is for you, Sage. :hug:
The way those doctors and dentists have treated you is not acceptable. I'm sorry you have been through these experiences. What you wrote about the nitrous oxide is especially powerful to me, because I have a similar condition, though the details are different. Though I wish things had played out a different way, it is good overall that I no longer have my natural teeth. The unwillingness of dentists to truly listen and understand me when I tell them about my pain is... too much for words right now.
I hear and understand your fear of judgement, and how challenging it is to change doctors. It sounds like your new doctor is good so far. While that may lead to more challenging situations, as it sounds you are expecting, I hope the two of you can find a way through them, and work to improve your health and life as best as possible, without being overwhelming, especially considering the CPSD and Fibro.
You are certainly not weak or a loser. I hope you find some peace, especially about the topic of finding something terminal. As difficult as it is, we all come to an end eventually. What is important is what we do before we get there. You have many unfair challenges in your life that others do not, yet you are doing great! :hug:
<3 Niko
Hi Sage. :hug:
I hope your doctor is kind, understanding, and informed on fibromyalgia and that you encounter none of the feelings you are being blamed that your past experiences have teed up for you. I've had many similar experiences and it makes going to the doc sucky until you find one you trust. (Well, who earns your trust.
Thank you both. She's been responsive so far through the portal and her office people seem nice, so I have hope.
Alas, I now have to figure out how to find a local used computer desk cheap, as the pullout keyboard shelf broke. being a short person, I have my keyboard on top of the desk, but this will hurt after a short while. There's options, but it's a bit frustrating.
That certainly is frustrating! I'm sorry this came up, Sage.
I wonder if there is another solution available. Those pullout trays have never worked for me. Not only do they break quite often, but they feel cramped and uncomfortable.
I wish I could offer a good solution, but I'm a tall person, so it is difficult for me to understand all of the physics involved in this as it pertains to others.
While the details are different, it reminds me of how my kitchen counters are all the wrong height for me. That is painful and stops me from spending more time enjoying myself, such as with cooking. I don't think there's an easy answer, so it's on the back burner for now.
I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation. It sounds like a little thing, but it is extremely important! :hug:
<3 Niko
Oh, hey, I just saw the picture of your earplugs! :D
That's awesome that you posted it. It's so challenging to open up and share like that. Excellent job pushing yourself to improve like that. :applause:
Thank you for sharing like this. :thumbup:
<3 Niko
The Hair adventure - The first stage is done, that was... interesting. We decided to go to Ulta (a hair and cosmetics chain with a salon, like Sephora but not quite as expensive? as they were a little cheaper on the color I want than Sally Beauty Supply. (hair and nails, more beautician supplies.) We could smell something perfume-y before we even got in the door of Ulta. Once in, I and my brother (he's gonna color his hair as well) nearly gagged and were trying not to choke. Between the smell of all the cosmetics and the hair stuff, it was floral and horrible. And of course, what I needed was all the way in the back. We power walked and found they had the color, but not the bleaching kits. (weird) So bro had to leave the store to breathe and I powerwalked up to the front to hurry and buy the color. We decided to go to Sallys as I knew they had the Manic Panic bleaching kits, which are good. It took a good 5 minutes of driving before the smell left our clothes. Honestly, I will never go to one again. I'm sensitive to scents and that was worse than a candle/bath store. Sallys did have the bleaching kit as well as extra gloves and caps. Plus, the gal in there is never pretentious and ever so nice. I think she and Toni bonded over the slightly gothy makeup, LOL We only got one bleaching kit because I have a buzz cut and his hair is really short. Honestly, the two of use only used about 2/3 of the final amount of mix.
So we bleached our hair and let it sit while we caught up on Loki on Disney+, then washed out. His is a little lighter even though his hair was darker, it was ashier brown. I still have a lot of red undertones in my hair, so mine is a super pale gold. Not platinum, but close. Tomorrow, we'll do the color to give it a little rest. He has some blue left from last time he likes. I'm kind of excited to see how vivid mine ends up. I chose Arctic Fox brand "Virgin Pink" (rofl) which is a slightly bluer pink not quite fuchsia. I liked it better than more flamingo-y shades, and I knew I didn't want pastel types. I am way too pale for most pastels. I may or may not post a pic. I tend to hate photos of myself, so there has to be a lot of good feelings to do a selfie. Here's a random post on reddit of someone who used this color so you can see how vibrant it should turn out. https://www.reddit.com/r/HairDye/comments/gpv90n/i_dyed_my_hair_with_arctic_foxs_virgin_pink_was/ (https://www.reddit.com/r/HairDye/comments/gpv90n/i_dyed_my_hair_with_arctic_foxs_virgin_pink_was/)
Also, Arby's has apparently discontinued their potato cakes after all these years. So to heck with them. If I'd wanted fried, I'd have ordered them. :(
An old college friend should be coming through town mid-August, we're going to meet up for dinner. He visited... oh gosh, 2019, I guess, yeah. We were good friends and have kept in decent touch over the years, it'll be nice to see him again. At least we're all vaccinated and the state has opened up again since we have so many people vaccinated. Not all, but we were leading the pack there through most of it. Hmmm... Why are so many men I know allergic to cats? Weird. Anyhoo, I'm going to go put a cooling rag on my head. It got up to 102 today and expected to again to tomorrow. YUCK.
:cheer: hooray for hot pink. I'm laughing so hard at your description of walking through Ulta cause that's how I have to do it too. Sometimes I get so upset by the overwhelming smells I start to cry it's too much. Its funny to be someplace like this forum where these traits that feel like weird quirks are so normal.
Thoughts: I am trying, these last couple years, to change or at least challenge my previously-held...ideas? Biases? I dunno, just not be so rigid on some things. I know some of the things I previously thought were in reaction to things the Male Parental Unit said or did. While it does take quite a while to change the way I think, I at least can consciously realize that my limitation is a reaction. Maybe it's best explained with examples.
For years, I thought I hated lime popsicles and strawberry ice cream. Then I remembered in my late 30s that it wasn't true. He loved those things, but did NOT share, and god forbid anyone eat "his" stuff that were treats. I realized I was "sour grapes"-ing them because I hadn't been allowed to have them unless he felt generous. So I decided ----that, I can like them if I want to. Now, they're some of my favorites.
For what I thought was most of my life, I thought I hated the color pink. It's true that I don't look good in MOST shades of it in general, but it was to the point I wouldn't buy anything that was pink. (like clothes, housewares, etc. food doesn't count) Work with my therapist made me discover that my Inner Child loved pink. *I* used to love pink. So I gave myself permission to like pink again. I now have my tea set, a shoulder bag, a pink tshirt, pens, quite a few pink things in amongst my other stuff and it's perfectly okay. (It's also amusing how much other adults will let pass if you say you're doing Inner Child work, LOL)
My parents divorced when I was 11 and Mom and I came back to the States from Okinawa. Being that it was expensive to call and post in the 80's from overseas, my contact with MPU declined a lot. He did make the trip for my high school graduation, age 18. He arrived with his barely-4 -years-older-than-me Thai wife who could barely speak English and was heavily pregnant. That was the last time I've seen or heard from him. I then apparently told myself I didn't like Thai food. It didn't help that at the time in Denver, there was NOT a lot of Thai or Vietnamese dining options. When I moved to Seattle, I tried Vietnamese food, but I've been informed that the places I ate were crappy quality. Ironically, where I live now has incredible food diversity. So I've willingly tried the good places and lo and behold... I really like that stuff when it's made well. But at least I got rid of a terrible bias.
So, another thing I don't like is macaroni salad. There's something about the combo of mayonnaise and cold pasta I find revolting. So I decided to try a different version. I found a recipe for a cold Mediterranean pasta salad with olives, tomatoes, onions, tuna, pasta, and spices. it added a dash of lemon juice and.... wow. That was actually good. So that's a new thing I can eat that isn't unhealthy. And it narrows down what I didn't like about the others, which was clearly the dressing bit. I just needed to actually TRY something new.
Challenging my perceptions. It's a good thing.
Hi
Sage! :wave:
I just opened up your journal to leave it on my screen, so I would be sure to reply to it later. I wish I had more spoons to reply to you and the others right now, but I need to prioritize myself.
You writing about not liking macaroni salad immediately caught my eye, because I used to hate it... especially that cheap stuff in the little containers at the store!
Just today I made macaroni salad with my own home-made dressing and lots of vegetables, and it is incredible! If you ever want my personal recipe for a good Caesar, just let me know and I'd be happy to share! :D
Quote from: CactusFlowerI just needed to actually TRY something new.
Challenging my perceptions. It's a good thing.
It certainly is; It is one of the best things you can do! Challenging your perceptions has unlimited potential for growth!
I'm so happy for you, especially that your experience with challenging your perceptions has been so positive. It is not always positive, as sometimes we find things we don't like, but that's good too!
I see there is some deep stuff here as well. I'll keep this short and sweet, but it is phenomenal to see you take back the power from your male parental unit, by realizing you enjoy things he kept from you in the past.
That is powerful healing! Congratulations! :cheer:
Thank you so much for sharing. I am feeling so encouraged after reading your post.... just look at how much I wrote, when I was planning to write nothing! :hug:
That's the power that healing has on others, as well as ourselves. Thank you for sharing your power with me.
<3 Niko
I love that you are trying out these things and reclaiming your right to like things you had to convince yourself you didn't like. :cheer: pink!!!!!!!
Now I feel extra happy about your pink tea pot purchase. :hug:
Thanks all! jazzy, I'd love that recipe sometime. I'm totally willing to try new things, and I do love a good Caesar salad normally. :)
So after giving my bleached hair a day and a half to rest, the coloring happened. I'm pretty impressed with the Arctic Fox brand. Easy to apply because it's really thick, doesn't smell bad, and it didn't stain the sink or tub at all. There was quite a bit of pillowcase transfer last night, but I made sure it's one I don't care about. That might have a factor in the sweating from this heatwave, too. Anyhow, it turned out VIVID! Like, I love it. I'd honestly say it's pretty close to the color of the Cholla cactus flowers I like, which is cool. My bro convinced me to take a pic and for the heck of it, I put on some pink-ishpurple lipstick I'd gotten and hadn't worn yet. I was quite surprised. I identify as nonbinary and don't feel "feminine" or "masculine" either way. Yet this selfie makes me smile and I like it. I still don't feel it's "feminine" because it's me and I'm not that, but the bravery to wear these colors gives me some serious enby euphoria. I normally hate photos of myself and avoid them whenever possible. So here goes (check back often since approval isn't instant for pics, and that's fine):
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
This is all so fantastic! I can't wait to see your picture! :hug:
TW: female medical procedure, not graphic
So tomorrow is the second mammogram and ultrasound. I was told that I'll have my results before I leave. My BFF is taking me and has offered to be with me when I get the results. He's a social worker, so he's aware that I might dissociate or not absorb whatever they tell me right away. He's super awesome. My logical brain completely understands that they likely misread something or didn't see correctly, and even their own previous one's results letter said it's not a problem 95% of the time. I'm larger and sometimes that doesn't do well in imaging. But clearly, subconscious mind is not doing well. The anxiety has ramped up the last couple nights to where I can't fall asleep until 1 or 2 am. (and I have to tonight, because the blanking appt is 8:45am, which means leaving the house by 7:30, which means getting up no later than 7 at most, and I am NOT a morning person. At least we're going out to breakfast after. You also aren't supposed to wear any deodorants, antiperspirants, lotions, etc. and considering we've been in the 90's for some time now, I'm worried that even that time of morning will mean I sweat and... Just severely self-conscious. I know they're pros. I know they've seen it all. That doesn't help my anxiety. That doesn't help my mind jumping to worst-case scenarios and catastrophic thinking when I'm trying to sleep. I hate this. The anxiety is also leading to skin-picking again, which leads to an even worse self-image. I have a couple fidget toys that help a little with that, but they do make noise, so I don't think I'd be comfortable taking them anywhere and annoying people.
On one positive note, I did get my Instant Pot liner cleaned finally and will be making pork roast tonight. I don't know how much worse I'd eat without my IP and my air fryer to take so much work out of it.
Thinking of you Sage. Medical appointments produce similar preparation and thoughts in me as well. I hope your Instant Pot dinner is tasty. I really enjoy my Instant Pot.
Hey Sage! :applause:
Sorry this appointment is so difficult! All that stuff you talk about is extremely stressful. Is there someone you can talk to about ideas to help make it easier? Feeling self-conscious strikes me as a particularly big problem.
Just a couple of day ago you were here posting your picture, which I'm still looking forward to seeing... now your mood has changed drastically. Which is okay, and I understand why.
That mood change is an example of things we traumatized people accept and deal with because it is so "normal" to us... but to non-traumatized people this is considered unacceptable. The reason I say this is because I never knew what was considered acceptable or not, and every time I went for help, it didn't really help... this led to me believing everything is acceptable.
This conclusion that everything is acceptable which is very natural, and I believe most of us trauma survivors make, is not right. People don't really help because they don't know how, but they're too proud to say that, and usually don't even consider it, because they're "professionals".
I'm not sure what would be best for you, but I hope you can try out some different things. Maybe your friend brother have some ideas, as they know the details of your life more.
How you felt when you posted the picture of your hair, is how you deserve to be feeling every day. I hope you get there, and I'll do my best to help you, as you want me to. :)
<3 Niko
Hi Sage/Cactusflower,
Firstly, I wanted to wish you the best for your test results, and hope that things go well. I'm glad you have your BFF with you, and that he is so supportive. That is really good.
I'm not sure if I've ventured into your Journal before, but I do remember reading things you've written before, and I looked at the Artic Fox colour - it is amazing and vibrant, and I hope your hair has gone the shade you want it to go, and that it's how you want it to be.
I used both names, 'Sage' and 'Cactusflower' as I wasn't sure which to use - so apologies for using both.
I really like the vibrant purple flower in your icon - it is beautiful.
Hope :)
Thank you both so much! Either name is fine. Looks like the pic is still awaiting approval. At least googling the brand and color will give you idea, just imagine it on a buzzcut, lol.
So, the procedure went fine. I have mixed reactions that I'm aware of. The place was very kind and polite and I'm totally aware the anxiety I felt was my own ingrained reaction, not anything they really did. I was able, with my friend there, to tell them that I'm anxious about medical stuff and might dissociate a bit and it's not personal. Point in their favor - They did ask if there was anything they could do to make my experience better next time or be more helpful. I felt far more confident in the experience after hearing that and was impressed, even if I couldn't think of anything in the moment. At least I know I can tell them if I do come up with something.
My last procedure was 8 years ago. Even I hadn't realized it had been so long. To be fair, I realized that was the same year my Mom passed, so I was understandably not as with it that year.Although they came at the knowledge from the viewpoint of "let us help you, make sure nothing is ever caught too late, the tech is even better than it was back then, how can we help you keep better track", etc., there was an instinctual part of me that felt berated for putting it off for so long. (to be fair, if I'd known the tech improved that much, that would have helped.) I know it's my reaction and not what they intended at all, but I still felt that. At least I can recognize it enough to not misinterpret the situation, so that's an improvement. And I'm fine, just as I suspected. They also said they want me back in 6 months just to make sure, then yearly after that, but did ask if that was something I thought I would be able to do. So that was also considerate. I can manage that, I think.
Then I was able to relax (although the release of anxiety means I'm exhausted) and we went and got brunch. But oh, wait, the universe isn't done with me!
So I'm chilling here, and just a few minutes ago, the landlord calls and informs me the owner is giving the properties to his daughter and they just want to come see the insides Monday afternoon. I mean, I appreciate the plenty of heads up, but now the anxiety is back. He was open with me (he's a good guy) and doesn't get the feeling anything would change. Apparently the owner's just getting too old to deal with everything and he inherited them from his wife's dad, so he's passing them on to his kids to help them, as it were. (must be nice to be rich) Still, it introduces not only an element of the unknown, but now the anxiety of having to seriously clean up before Monday morning. My bro will help, of course, but UGH. It's still work. sweeping, mopping, scrubbing the sink and stove, etc. Of course, I'm trying not to catastrophize now. I'm just so tired. At least bro is going to get Wendy's for dinner, cause I do not have the spoons to even think about food. Like Scarlett O'Hara, I'll think about it tomorrow. I'm tapped out for today. I just want a nice chicken salad and to read or something.
Wow Sage, I'm so happy with how everyone treated you today. It sounds so respectful, which is massively important.
I'm even happier that it was so good for you. All of those relaxations you're making are right on, and now that you are aware of what's going on you can improve it if you wish.
I'm sorry of all that extra stress about the house inspection. That was one of my worst fears for a long time due to the catastrophizing (apparently that's not a word but it should be)
No landlord has ever complained about me though, some of them even thanked me for being such a good tenant even though I was unhappy with the condition of the place when I left.
Based on all that I'm sure everything will be fine, but the stress is understandable.
Chicken salad and a book sounds great! I'm going to get a bit of sorbet myself. I keep my sugar in take low so I can treat myself with sorbet and not have bad consequences. 🙂
Started cleaning a little for the apt. owner visit on Monday. The Fibro + CPTSD means I can't do more than 10-15 mins at a time without being exhausted and hurty, so it goes in chunks. I don't know what I'd do without my bro to do the bathroom, because kneeling to clean a tub is not possible. Heck, bending over in comfortable positions isn't comfy either. At least the kitchen isn't terrible, so it shouldn't be too bad. Again, in chunks. I just hate I have to do the bedroom, because I don't know what they'll want to see. The invasion of my private space feels violating there, and I tend to have a pretty messy bedroom. I also have a spiritual altar of stuff next to my bed, so I'll be covering that with a scarf or something so nothing gets questioned or touched. I don't actually have a lot of trash, I just have a lot of things and little room to organize. Like, my desk currently has my meds, pill holder, multiple pens, back scratcher, mug, gummies, fountain pen ink bottles, a nail polish bottle, lotion bottle, Spanish vocab cards, penholders, notebooks, my phone, a stylus, a full drawer of office supplies, eyeglasses and cleaner clothes, coupons, pain creme, play-doh, and a couple craft supplies. No, there isn't anywhere I can put these. LOL Older houses may have charm, but they didn't have space. The best I can do on some of this stuff is at least make the piles look organized. Bro has prescription meds now, so he gave me his bottle of hemp gummies since I was almost out. They don't cure anything, but they can take a little bit of the edge off the anxiety. Better than nothing at the moment. I'm tempted to get one of those big visual timers and try the "10 minutes then rest" method. The hardest part about the rest is trying not to then feel shame and guilt or calling myself "lazy". I've been trying to remember those phrases from @DomesticBlisters on tiktok, "mess isn't moral" and "you deserve to rest". Takes a lot of practice.
I also realized something else that should help my disability when I file, I wasn't able to successfully do a self-employed thing either. I can do the coaching, but getting clients... The marketing and putting myself out there is too anxiety-inducing and I end up avoiding.
Update on the hair color - while it didn't stain the tub during a shower either and seems to run clear under water and is still very vibrant, transfer to a pillowcase at night is pretty bad. It doesn't affect my clothes, but the sacrificed pillowcase looks like I killed a dozen Easter eggs on it. LOL
Hey Sage,
I hear you about how stressful and painful the cleaning is. It's taken me 3 days to get caught up on dishes and I'm not quite done yet.
I'm going to start using paper plates and cups now. It's just less painful.
Everything you wrote about in your bedroom sounds totally normal, so I'm sure it's all fine.
Usually in this case they're looking for structural damage to the building, they don't really care how you live, as long as it doesn't hurt their building. That's really mean, but I hope it also relieves some pressure about cleaning.
I remember I had a landlord so bad he threatened to call the police because I said it was dangerous to walk in on me in my sleep because I have PTSD. I told her to go ahead. I will call my psychiatrist for documentation then my lawyer. She didn't call the police after that.
Anyway I'm sure it will be so much less stressful for you. I don't expect any problems, and I'm sure your new doctor will help if there are any.
You're doing great managing all the physical stuff, but is there anything you can do to help you feel less anxious about the upcoming inspection?
About the Caesar recipe: I don't have it written out so it will take me a bit of time.
How exact measurements do you want? I just pour stuff in the blender until it tastes good. That's what makes it mine! I hope you experiment a bit with my recipe and make it your own. 🙂
Hah! You measure like I do! "just add enough curry powder to turn it yellow" "I don't know, enough mayo to make it good, but not gloopy" "I don't know, but that's not enough garlic". LOL
I'll discuss it with my therapist, but that's on Wednesdays. I have some hemp gummies (hemp, not cbd) that do tend to take the edge off, so I'll probably have some about an hour before. It's hard to describe. Like, the anxiety is still there, but dulled so it's not as immediate, if that makes sense.
If anything, these things do at least have me analyzing how I have always catastrophized and jumped to worst-case scenarios where I never even realized I was doing it before. Awareness is a step, right?
We tend to use paper plates often because being an old house, it also doesn't have a garbage disposal, which makes doing dishes even more of a pain. And thank you for your reassurance. It helps me realize they're not here to judge me, they're looking at their property. Inspections, now that I think about it, probably throws me back to the male parental unit who was in the Air Force and exceedingly strict about cleaning.
Oh, but to add a positive note! The replacement cuffs for my forearm crutches actually were shipped on the day the nice customer service guy said they would be and the tracking says FedEx will deliver them tomorrow! So that means I can reward myself for cleaning by getting to decorate my crutches. I don't know if I said. one will be covered in pink duct tape that has kitty cat heads on it, and the other is a blue and purple starry galaxy duct tape. LOL At least they will be noticeably mine.
Omg your picture!!!!! You look so great! I love how your lipstick marches the hair and the way you've done your eyebrows!
I see the tape in the background of your picture too. I like that tape. I need to get some myself. 👍
Thank you for posting your picture twice. That says so much about how strong you are and how well you're doing. :hug:
Oh the bright hair colour does look great. I was just so excited to see you brave enough to post your picture and how good your looking. 🙂
Hello Sage / Cactus Flower,
Having Kizzie approve pics is for your safety! It's easy to get kind of carried away online, even on OOTS. Even here, people may not be who they say they are. There have been trolls in the past. It is your decision to put a picture of yourself on here, but do please be wary, even if you have to wait a little bit for Kizzie. She will get round to it. There used to be a few more Mods on here, including myself, now she's alone.
Amended July 17th: removed quotation from Guidelines :)
Ah, that makes sense. Thank you, Blueberry. I'll go ahead and modify that post to remove the link, then. I would volunteer to help, but I honestly don't have the bandwidth to do that in any group right now, no offense. :) I was just thinking of not making too much work for Kizzie. Thank you for the reminder, since it's been a while since signing up. :)
Blueberry's reminder below (thank you again!) actually made me think for a second about something. My abuser, whom I haven't seen or heard from since 1988, is old. There is a part of me that is actually okay with that. Does it mean I will likely never be able to confront them? Yes. Is that necessary? Honestly, not really. It won't change what happened, even if I will never forgive him. And it's extremely likely he never changed, either. But he should be... uhh.... (math sucks) 70 now. To be blunt, if he's not dead yet, it won't be long, and I'm fine with that. When I was in my twenties, I used to occasionally fantasize about what I'd say if he showed up. How I'd verbally tear into him. But over the years, that fantasy kinda petered out. He doesn't deserve my time or energy, even for that. All I can say is that I do feel sorry for that woman he married and whatever kid they had, because he was a master of gaslighting. But, long story short, it wouldn't make me unhappy in the least if I found out he wasn't amongst the living anymore.
I just have to share something that never fails to make me smile. My chubby tortiseshell kitty, Pumpkin.
Pumpkin doesn't care about most cat toys, but her favorite item in the world is a black bootlace. She also has 4 other shoelaces, but the black one is her fav. I'm trying to clean and put them all in the living room. She went in there, cussed for a few minutes loudly, and dragged the black one back in the bedroom. DON'T MOVE IT AGAIN! hahahahahhahaha It's so flipping cute.
Quote from: CactusFlower on July 16, 2021, 04:28:46 PM
I would volunteer to help, but I honestly don't have the bandwidth to do that in any group right now, no offense. :) I was just thinking of not making too much work for Kizzie. Thank you for the reminder, since it's been a while since signing up. :)
No offense taken. The rule of thumb here on OOTS is that your own recovery takes priority over things like moderating. I've learnt to prioritise my recovery now too which is the main reason why I stopped moderating. There are little things that I and others do to lessen Kizzie's load e.g. welcoming new mbrs (you probably do that too) and reporting the occasional dodgy post. :)
Pets are just so cute in how they communicate ;D
Quote from: Blueberry on July 16, 2021, 06:17:54 PM
your own recovery takes priority over things like moderating.
Of course! I have definitely noticed a big drop-off in activities that I have energy for since starting this journey. I didn't have a lot to start with, but I've definitely not been as creative/crafty as normal, that kind of thing. I keep thinking of stuff, like "oo I want to write again" or "I suppose I could try to crochet" but my concentration and patience is just shot.
Well, the quiet fidget toys came. I really like them. these should really help deter some of the skin picking, I hope. Unfortunately, I didn't get my crutch cuffs, they'll probably be here tomorrow, I'm hoping. Tracking shows them in Denver at about 4:30pm, so they're not making here tonight, that's for sure. But that has nothing to do with the company, that's FedEx's fault. At least they're on the way.
Got more cleaning done today, it wasn't as terrible as I thought in the bedroom. Laundry bags hide a lot, LOL. Kitchen tomorrow. I've always hated cleaning the kitchen for some reason. Bro did the bathroom today, so that's nicer. That at least leaves the sweeping for Sunday or even Monday morning. I have my video games, the tv, fidget toys, and medication, so I don't foresee being all that anxious the day of. Remembering what Jazzy said about they really just want to look at the bones of the place, they're not here to judge me, really helps. :) Still, I'll be glad when it's over, that's for sure.
Did about half the kitchen yesterday, but will do rest today then reward myself. it's National ice Cream Day, oh darn. LOL I think the small but steady progress on the cleaning is helping the anxiety a little as well. That or I'm too tired to care, but whatever works, LOL.
My crutch cuffs arrived! FedEx was quite early, but I'm pleased. Bro had to help because I apparently don't have the hand strength to depress those two little spring pins into their holes, but he got them off and the new ones on. I then cleaned the whole crutches with clorox wipes, so they're drying and will be decorated later. FUN.
Creativity achieved, check back for pic of decorated crutches!
Well, the owner's visit is over with. Honestly, they weren't even here that long. They kinda just looked at the layout of the place and where the hot water heater was. not terrible. I can feel myself coming down from the anxiety and all the cleaning I've done over the past few days. So tired. I might even nap. Bro was nice enough earlier to go out and get some lunch for us, but I gotta stop eating junk. It's hard to think of things that are low to no cook for hard days without resorting to ramen/sandwiches all the time. Having a kitchen that gets sweatingly hot if I cook in this weather bites, too. Maybe next trip I'll get some things like chicken nuggets and taquitos, not great, but can be put in the air fryer.
Sage, I am glad to hear the visit went smooth. I can relate to putting in a lot of emotional, physical, and mental prep. I can also relate to what you say about meal prep on "those days." When I have the energy, I have found it helpful to plan out meals on a calendar. Then I don't have to think and just make what I planned. I include days for eating out too. It doesn't always work but often is helpful.
Cactus Flower! I didn't realize you had a dual identity!
I'm really loving the attachment of the decorated crutches! Yay! It makes using them so much happier, at least I imagine. Back in the day, I used a cane and frequently thought of how to make it just like this!
Hi Sage,
I'm so glad that stressful visit from the owner is off your plate now. Good job buying some easy to cook food. You're right they aren't the best but they aren't the worst either, especially air fried and served with a few veggies. Between the heat and the FM you deserve a break. :hug:
Love the new arm crutches!!! Flair!
I'm so glad you can all see the crutch pic now. Yup, just two kinds of decorated duct tape, put on in vertical strips. I did use an exacto-type knife to make the little cutouts where the adjustment pins are, even though they won't move. I'm short, so they're on the lowest setting, LOL. I'm happy with how they came out.
I think the best part, for me, about deciding to come up with low-effort meals is we're really really bad about leftovers. it's got to be really wonderful food for me to eat more the next day. I generally want something, then don't want it again for at least several days. This can lead to wastage if I cook. I've tried freezing leftovers sometimes, and then it just sits in the freezer for months. Soups usually aren't as bad to do, but I'm not making things like chili, stew, or chicken and dumplings when it's in the 90's every day. Our apartment has a swamp cooler and the air just never gets to the kitchen. It's an old place, probably built in the 30s or 40s at most. Not designed for the most efficient air flow, alas. But to get back on topic, low-effort meals tend to leave less leftovers. Here's the ideas I've come up with so far. Many can be done in either the air fryer, microwave, or aren't cooked.
chicken nuggets or patties with tater tots or some other kind of potato
taquitos (frozen rolled taco things)
"charcuterie" - i.e., sliced meats, cheese, crackers, and olives or raw veggies
salad kits, although I sometimes only eat half the bag and the other half then rots before I want that again...
PB&J
meat sandwiches
eggs in some manner, sometimes with toast
ramen (I like to add my own seasoning and sometimes a little veggie and chicken if I have them)
pasta, either plain with butter or pre-made mixes
quesadillas
Mediterranean cold pasta salad
I'm getting a few ideas from other forums where other people have posted and asked for ideas, but I also can't do it all at once or it gets overwhelming. My BFF just got a membership to Costco, so he said I can go with him whenever I might need something in bulk. We'll see.
Hi Cactusflower,
Have you tried chilled soups? They can be really nice. Now I've mentioned those, I can't think of any recipes - but there might be some online somewhere. I like the ideas you've put together so far for meals. I like the sound of the Mediterranean cold pasta salad in particular. it sounds really nice.
Nice that you can use the Costco membership with your BFF as well.
Hope :)
Hello CactusFlower,
Food planning is beyond me, but I like Hope's idea of chilled soups. Even if you can't finish, I feel less guilty about throwing out soup than I do something solid. I also like salad kits, but agree sometimes can't make it through the entire bag.
I want to suggest something here: Is it possible to take another view of "waste?" For older people who have been indoctrinated about efficiency, starving populations elsewhere, held to a high, high standard, sometimes figuring your consumption on "half" or most of something is going to be "good enough." You are not the same today as you were yesterday. What you liked, or thought was fantastic may cause you to gag or zone out. So, every day is a new adventure. If I bought a family size salad bag figuring I would keep up the momentum with daily salad dinners, well, half way through, it turns out that's now past. I permit myself to discard, actually I recycle my food scraps, so ZERO guilt.
Just a little thought about those adjustment pins that don't move. WD-40 or even (gasp) ordinary cooking oil applied with a Q-tip (swab) might do the trick.
Do tell, what is a "Swamp Cooler"? I imagine it's old, inefficient and generally sucking energy without significant benefits.
Great ideas, thanks to both! I'm not generally into cold soups, but I can give them a try. I do have one of those hand blenders you stick down in the liquid, and immersion blender.
Hm, I hadn't thought about how the guilt might play into the issue about leftovers. lots to think about there.
A Swamp Cooler is a colloquial name (regional, maybe? I don't know...) for an evaporative cooler. They're set into windows like some air conditioners are. unlike an air conditioner, the motor powers a fan that blows across a self-recycling source of water, pushing that cool air into the home. They're far more common in drier climates due to the fact that they also humidify the air. They actually use less electricity as the motor is running a fan, not actually running a motor to cool things before pushing it out.
I arranged a grocery pickup today to get several of the meal items I listed previously. Hopefully this will help some, knowing I have plenty of options. My bro and I spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening watching Black Widow and a couple other shows in Disney +, and I didn't eat many of the treats he'd bought during that since it went over dinner time. (I did make myself some instant rice, that was tasty) So I still have small treats I can make last longer and didn't feel the need to buy more junk in the grocery run.
I need to start looking at details of local lawyers who work with people getting on disability so I can choose and begin to apply soon. Makes me nervous as heck, but it's gotta be done.
Hi Sage. :hug:
I feel the same way as you about leftovers and it definitely for me goes back to being forced to eat the same thing for dinner breakfast lunch dinner etc until it was gone or moldy (and was disgusting to start with). Salad is really hard to finish before it rots. I like things like tomatoes and carrot sticks. They last a little longer before rotting. And luckily my D likes hummus so she can get veggies and protein together. We also do refried beans and cheese a lot with tortillas kept in the fridge, or even the crunchy taco shells or tortilla chips. Ooh or cold soba or rice noodles with bottled peanut sauce peanuts and cilantro...sorry! I like food. I get carried away. :whistling:
Good luck with the disability lawyers. You'll feel better once you have this over and done, even if going through it is awful. :grouphug:
Cactus Flower,
Re: disability. I have some thoughts which come from two successful filing experiences. There's a book publisher called NOLO and they were invaluable to me for learning the rules of the game.
https://store.nolo.com/products/nolos-guide-to-social-security-disability-qss.html (https://store.nolo.com/products/nolos-guide-to-social-security-disability-qss.html) Get the paperback, not ebook.
For every specific disability there is a corresponding list of conditions that must be met; duration, severity, etc. Point being that the probability of success lies in recent records-recent=past 6 months or sooner. There's a lot you can do for yourself, and most of that is collecting and organizing your medical records, if you possess them. If you don't the first step is acquisition, and it's your right to have a copy of your own stuff.
I am resource for you as that journey progresses. (All questions/discussion must take place in public formats.)
Sending a hug your way :hug:
Emotionally, this hug comes with a cuppa tea and some buttered toast.
Thank you! (tea and toast, you remembered! <3)
Fortunately, I'm well versed with the process from the years I worked in healthcare as well as having a BFF who's a social worker. :) I think there's some underlying issue about why this is giving me anxiety and it just hasn't bubbled up yet. My BFF also said it's partially a fear of the unknown which is natural. He totally understands and will help in any way he can. We often joke about being platonic soulmates. Like, we're even each other's power of attorney and will beneficiaries.
Positives: There was a hard rainstorm yesterday, but we really need the water, so it was kinda nice at the same time. I had the front door open and the cats were loving all the new smells. Also, my T is writing up a letter for me to have my cats as Emotional Support Animals due to how they help with stress and depression. Finally, a leave-in hair conditioner I ordered arrived, since the bleaching and coloring did leave it pretty dry in texture. This stuff is so awesome, and smells of coconut and shea butter. I feel like half a pina colada, LOL.
Not-so-positives: Even though my BFF is helping me, the anxiety is still there. I find I hate this programmed reaction. I've narrowed down the legal advocate choices to two, just trying to decide. Plus the research into General Assistance to help fill a gap while waiting for answers... Because the rain cooled it down a lot, I'm tempted to get out that weighted blanket and see how it feels. I think I'll do that. Top off my cuppa, grab the Animal Crossing on the switch and huddle.
Cactus Flower, I'm relieved to know you have friendly resources. It makes all the difference. Being platonic soulmates sounds really good to me. Having your T willing to do agency paperwork, PRICELESS.
It's fun experimenting with new hair products. I hope that it's a winner for you.
By the way, thanks for the detailed description of a Swamp Cooler; I learned something!
May today tip the scales to the positive side for you. :hug:
Hooray for some rain!!!! :cheer:
I hope you soon enough find the underlying source of anxiety and once you do it dissipates a bit. :hug:
Your BFF platonic soulmate sounds like an awesome benefit for both of you.
Kind of an accomplishment... I just put a bunch of stuff in the Instant Pot to make a lot of taco soup. I don't have any corn chips for garnish, but I do have shredded cheese. that'll be good later tonight and for several days. That's one thing I love about my IP, I don't have to put a lot of effort into cooking the meat. you just dump it in there with the other stuff, take the bones out later if you have them. But taco soup is basically ground beef, a can of kernel corn, a can of diced tomatoes, a jar of salsa, cumin, black pepper, and a packet of taco seasoning. (Sazon and sofrito if you happen to have them are awesome.) Super simple and goes a long way.
Lunch is crackers and hummus. pretty tasty, really. My grocery store rewards program sends coupons in the mail every couple of months for things you buy often. about every other time or so, there's one for a free thing of Sabra hummus. that's 2 or 3 lunches, easy. I like that brand because it's the closest to the stuff you get in restaurants. Gotta admit, I'll miss eating out the most, I think.
Sage, that food sounds wonderful and nourishing. I appreciate the Instant Pot for the same reasons. I hope you continue to find nourishment through food and other ways. :hug:
:cheer:
Good job prepping and planning some good meals for yourself!
I'm loving your Sabra coupon! Forge ahead! Yeah Instant Pot! The taco soup is a winner! Accomplishments all. :applause:
UGH. Just ugh. i went to the dr's office yesterday to pick up a test, the one the lab messed up on, thinking I could do it and just bring it back tomorrow at my appointment. ....and they're out. She was terribly sorry, but they're on order. The gal said I could try going to one of the other clinics and getting one, but that's not happening. I don't have the spoons for that. We also had to hit the grocery store and I only have so much energy. It's like the universe doesn't want me to do this test. Although to be honest, *I* just don't want to do it, but I don't have a choice. Gotta do whatever the doc wants so the records show that. Next time I'll call first and ask them to set one aside that I can come get. It's just so frustrating because I was trying NOT to make any extra trips. I did print up the DMV form for the doc for the disability parking hanging thingy. Once that's done, then it's an appointment at the DMV to get it. I also printed up my latest WHODAS. (world health organization disability assessment survey) I fill them out monthly for my therapist and figured it would be good to have one on the medical file too. It's 36 questions about what you can and can't do, basically. So I'm ready to get tomorrows appointment over with, even though my anxiety is acting up again. Part of me gets very frustrated with myself. "You're a strong person, you can do this, you just need to say it, you've worked in healthcare for over 20 years, you know this stuff better than a lot of people." Then I still get anxious and intimidated and dissociate and just agree with whatever to get out of there. It's so hard, and I get angry with myself for... I dunno. I guess there's a lot of guilt and shame and anger in general. I hear that programmed voice that says "You're an adult, you should be able to deal with this, grow up already," etc. And it's always so hard to start over with a new doctor. I'm hoping I have the ability tomorrow to actually say that she needs to write up a summary if she wants me to do anything, because I need specific steps and instructions written down or I won't remember. Electronic patient portals are so useful these days, because I can see the stuff I need whenever I need reminding. I must remember to take some fidget toy with me. Maybe something quiet and squishy.
Hey Sage,
Your experience sounded so :pissed:. I would have felt the same. But you did come up with a strategy :cheer: Next time of course.
QuoteNext time I'll call first and ask them to set one aside that I can come get.
You are on the road to a "filing" ~ congrats!
QuoteAnd it's always so hard to start over with a new doctor.
Amen! No small thing here, absolutely the pits. But you can do what you need to. Would it help to maybe imagine yourself dressed in medical garb-
being her EQUAL and you're both discussing someone you both know. YOU. Sometimes we gotta play with other thoughts to get through the ones that are hard at the time. Courage and strength are yours.
So... Good and bad with the appointment this morning. I did get to talk to my T about it today, thank goodness.
TW: doctor's visit not graphic
Appt was for 10:45am. Got there early, was called to register AND to go back before I could totally finish the paperwork. I thought that was a good sign. Gal took the vitals. Then I sat there for nearly an HOUR. (well, sit, stand, sit stand, those chairs are painful after a short while) I was getting more and more upset, the fidget toy wasn't helping. I finally stepped out and asked someone how much longer. They said I was next, then the gal came in and said to go ahead and get undressed, doc would be in shortly. I do, the paper drape was the only thing there, no gown. Hard to get up on the table because I'm short, so now my legs were hurting. I also wasn't really able to hold the fidget toy because I was using both hands to scoot up on the table and wherever for positioning, so I ended up putting fingernail dents in the vinyl, I'm sure. Doc comes in, she seems really nice, the procedure is done although there is some pinching and pain. She steps out after helping me off the table. I dress, she comes back in.
Positive: She did fill out the DMV form for the disabled parking hanging thingy, so I can take that to the DMV now. She agreed to make the OT referral for eval and knows I plan on filing for disability. In general, she was nice and I didn't feel the delay was her fault. She understood I was having anxiety and was kind and calm. She asked if I had any questions and encouraged me to message her through the patient portal if I thought of anything. Still, I got home at 12:30, half an hour before therapy. My bro was kind enough to go grab lunch and bring it back for me. I'll be calling the lawyer's office to see how I go about doing whatever they need me to either tomorrow or Friday, depending on when I have energy and courage. I really had to rest this afternoon due to the adrenaline letdown from the stress. I had been on the verge of a meltdown right before she finally came in. So glad THAT thing is over with for another year. I'm just super tired now. I think dinner might be soup warmed up or a PB&J. I'm kinda past caring right at the moment.
Thank you for sharing about your experience, Sage. I hope that you have found things that helped you feel easeful the rest of the day.
I hope you had a good rest, Sage!
Medical stuff can be so distressing and you're having to do a lot right now. :grouphug:
Be proud you're ticking this stuff off and are taking good care in between to recover. I hope the weekend is restful and fairly stress free.
Adding my voice to the validation and encouragement. Your description sounds very familiar. But you took care of the process and yourself to go the next mile.
Once you get the paperwork for the first disabled parking permit, it's a matter of renewal from there. You most likely won't have to go through any more each successive time period. It can be 5 years. And if you're in a progressive state, it's all online. Scan the form, attach it to your request. I know that's not the point of your post, but sometimes knowing you won't have to jump through hoops endlessly might help. :hug:
Stay the course, have courage and take care.
Thanks, all. I had to just chill for a day or so. I can still get the disabled parking thing, we're going to the DMV Weds morning. Less people right when they open. And yeah, you can just renew each year online with the number on the hanger.
The first lawyer I called didn't take my case, said they couldn't help. I knew it would be hard with Fibro and CPTSD. They at least were honest enough to say in their email that other lawyers might, they're not the only one, don't give up, etc. I'm going to chill and do my best to get more documentation stuff done, like the PT/OT eval, maybe see if any psych meds need to be tried, etc. Unfortunately, it does mean I'll probably have to find some work in about 6 months or so. But I'm committed to working from home online if that's the case. I have options and my BFF helped me calm down and see that and start making plans.
On the positive side: Some beloved old friends will be coming through town in September and we've arranged to have dinner! I haven't seen them in a few years, since before moving, and it'll be so good to see them again. We connect on Facebook, but they are dear to me and such good people.
Also, I'm going to be putting a gig on Fiverr for something I'm good at, proofreading and editing. Can't hurt to try. I'd love if that worked out for extra cash if nothing else. We'll see what comes of it.
I kinda zoned out yesterday, didn't really get much done. I did start reading No Bad Parts. The intro and up to where it wants you to draw something that should end up looking like garlic. I'm making myself take it slow. I'm not exactly certain what they mean by just sit there until a part comes up and talk to it, or what to draw that looks like garlic.... I may have to do some net research.
I might sell this calculator I bought for Statistics. I can't honestly see where I'd ever use it again. I need to find the little cord that came with it. it's running about 60-70$ on ebay still, so we'll see.
Today was laundry day. We don't have a washer/dryer, so we have to go to a laundromat. The older I get, the more this sucks. The bags are heavy, they're terrible painful chairs for the almost 2 hours that it takes, and I'm just wiped out and achy afterwards for hours, if not the whole day.
I might need a nap. I feel very rambly and disconnected.
Hi Cactusflower,
I hope that you are getting some rest after doing all that laundry. Maybe you had a nap, and if so, I hope you slept well.
I haven't got my copy of the book 'No Bad Parts' yet, but I am looking forward to reading it when it does finally come. I think mine might be due in mid August, but I don't know for certain. I think you're sensible to take it slow, and pace yourself. I'm intrigued by the mention of the drawing that looks like garlic.
Hope :)
I feel like I need to apologize, I haven't replied on many people's journals lately. It's been busy and all. I did get some rest after laundry, but it's still not put away. Doesn't matter, it's clean. as KC Davis says, "Mess isn't moral." Thinking of that helps so much.
Yesterday was good. mostly. LOL Got to the DMV in the morning before they opened. (department of motor vehicles, where you get licenses and IDs and such, for our non-USA readers) The state I live in calls it the MVD and I will never get used to that. It's DMV everywhere else I've ever lived. I was annoyed because the sign on the door said you needed an appointment, which was NOT indicated anywhere on the -----site when I looked up the location. Fortunately, I had my forearm crutch with me and she was willing to take my ID and application inside, so I now have the temporary disabled parking permit and the permanent plastic car mirror hanging thing will come in the mail in 2 weeks. So that's going to make errands much easier than before. Still not "easy", but at least I won't have to rest 2 or 3 times crossing half a giant Walmart parking lot. Yay!
Then I had therapy in the afternoon. It went really well. I need to still do research about this IFS stuff, because I'm finding it a little vague on what to actually DO in the exercises. I need to do some tasks and I'm putting them off, which is frustrating, because I need to do the tasks, but I don't, and... urgh. Just bleah.
Sage, I am glad to read your update. I lived in a state where the DMV was the BMV (Bureau of Motor Vehicles) which still sounds weird. I'm glad you had a relatively seamless process with your MVD because those visits are often challenging and time consuming in my experience. I've been noticing for myself how much pressure I put on myself to get my to do list done. I have people say we are human beings not human doings...yet we definitely live in societies that seem to value what you get done and accomplish versus who you are. I haven't found much that helps me be gentle with myself in this, however hope you find some ease.
Very well said, Rainy! it's so true. It also didn't help that the gal at the door was very brusque and kind of the stereotypical rude DMV employee. I think we just have to recuperate after interactions like this, because we can't control the other person. At least I can also renew these yearly online, I don't have to go back to do that.
I'm doing some more research on the IFS stuff so I can understand this "No Bad Parts" book better. The author's webpage does have a short (and kinda fast) guided meditation to do a simple thing to find a protector part. It wasn't bad, it did help understand a little more on how to envision this. I just wish it hadn't felt rushed. https://ifs-institute.com/nobadparts (https://ifs-institute.com/nobadparts) I'm going to continue reading up on it because I'm just like that before I get into something. The main page of that link also has a decent explanation of it and how it differs from DID.
Apparently, there are a lot of youtube videos on this. that's helpful. I also have a little pocket-sized notebook I'm keeping some key concepts and such in. That helps me focus and make sure I'm getting this.
Oh joy. It's supposed to be 97 degrees today. Guess i better go turn on the cooler to high, lol.
Sage,
Quote"Mess isn't moral."
:cheer:
Going to the "Bureau" is always an adventure in tolerance. Glad you survived OK. One step closer to your goal. You'll absolutely LOVE having that permit! Cheers!
So, a most pleasant surprise... I went to the DMV on Wednesday. Friday, the disabled hangy things came in the mail! Like, two days! I am so impressed. They said it could take up to two weeks, so yippee!
We had to go to the grocery store today for some fruit and such, and wow was it so much more helpful to get that parking spot right up front and not have to tire myself out walking so much. Sure, there's still the walking around the store, but even have a little bit of effort cut off each end was helpful. I am so grateful for this.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Happy for you.
Yay!!!! :cheer: :cheer:
Today was a mood booster even though I am physically worn out. My BFF loves to drive, so we like to just go on drives and see new places, often parks or small towns or whatever. We did that this afternoon. Drove through some really flat parts of the state, then some kinda dumpy small towns that were just sad, back a different way, stopped and ate the fruit salad I made, then all the way back and had dinner at our favorite nice Italian restaurant. It was a lovely day and his company always make me smile. Plus we had lots of terrible jokes, intellectual conversations, and he cleared up a lot of things about the IFS stuff for me. (He's been a social worker for a very long time) I am exhausted and achy from sitting so long in a car, but it was worth it. I'll just go to bed early and take it super easy tomorrow. Plus, I have plenty of leftover fruit salad to nom on! :)
I loved reading about your day. :hug:
I didn't post yesterday because I was mainly recuperating from the day of road tripping. I have so, so much fruit salad to finish off, LOL. it's good for me. Unfortunately, when I have to nap in the afternoon, it throws off my sleep schedule. I think that's why I not only didn't fall asleep until late last night, it wasn't good sleep either. I kept waking up. Fibro isn't just an inability to fall asleep, stress and other things can cause you to not get a lot of uninterrupted healing sleep, so there's pain, etc. It's an awful unending loop, really.
On a positive note, my counseling place my T works for sent the consent to treatment and info papers to e-sign and send back for the psych, so my T did let them know like she said she would. She's really good about that, I appreciate it. The office will call me in a day or two to set an appointment and the psych will see if any meds will help or not, and hopefully she'll see if any additional diagnoses, like anxiety, might be appropriate. I specifically asked for the female doc. The only down side is she's only available Wednesdays, which is my therapy day, and apparently insurance won't pay for 2 visits on the same day. So people often get stuck paying the more expensive one. Whatever weeks I see the psych, I just have to re-schedule with my T to a different day. But it also depends on if I get any prescriptions. That'd be a review appointment every 2 months or so unless it's a controlled substance, which requires a review meeting every month. We'll work it out. But it's another step forward.
I watched a couple more videos on youtube with Richard Schwartz. One was him at some kind of conference, and he took the presenter guy through a short parts session right then and there. (Soren... somebody) It actually was extremely helpful to see it in action and how it should work, and getting more explanation from the source helped. I think I'll just read through the book, THEN look at the various exercises rather than getting hung up on "I don't get this one, I can't read further". I'll chat more with my T this afternoon about it.
Sage,
Congrats on having an abundance of fruit salad! Getting the papers digitally is so convenient! I had to smirk about insurance not paying for 2 visits on the same day. That sounds bureaucratically insane. Maybe when the rule was formed, they had a reason and a patient who bumped them into action. All I know is I've been caught in similar situations.
You're making a lot of progress.
I haven't seen Schwartz's YouTube, but may take a look after a digest more of the book. Right now, it sits well with me. although whenever something seems to fit, I'm always reserving judgment because a lot of stuff doesn't work out after the initial "bloom." Your plan of reading through first and then looking at exercises will give you a good overall view. It may not agree 100%, but is 95% good enough?
The road trip sounds so great...I love having conversations in the car. Dinner at the Italian restaurant :yes: Garlic bread?
I think the insurance thing is to prevent fraud, which I can understand, but you'd think they could tell if a social worker submits one and a Psych the other... *rolls eyes*
Yeah, 95% is fine. Nothing works perfectly for anyone, but at least my T is open to "whatever works" for me. She's awesome flexible like that. I'm also the kind of person who researches the heck outa something first if it's important. My biggest thing, even with healing, is that my lesson this lifetime is patience. Now, dang it. LOL
We did not have garlic bread. Shocking, I know. :) This is actually a very nice place in town. We shared a small charcuterie board with olives, prosciutto, sliced rustic bread, sage butter, fresh mozz, and this amazing caramelized onion jam. Then my BFF had a lovely salad, goat cheese, greens, strawberries and (I think) a balsamic vinaigrette. I tried the spaghetti and meatballs. Basic, but it was spaghettini, a fresh crushed tomato sauce, and the meatballs were a seasoned mix of beef, pork, and lamb. (we're kinda foodies, lol) It was a super nice treat. The bread slices did have a basil olive oil to dip in, so I honestly didn't miss the garlic this time.
Sage,
Your food description was super! I was right there, seeing everything on the table, especially that caramelized onion jam, goat cheese and those meatballs. A delight for the senses. You mentioned that you might pick up some short term proofreading or writing work. Did that ever pan out?
I'm glad you're able to mix in fun times while going through the bureaucratic approval. Time seems to stand still or crawl while waiting for agencies to move paperwork. :hug:
Thank you! I have a gig on Fiverr for it, but I'm having to discuss with their tech support, as their verification process (submitting a selfie and photo ID) refuses to verify for me not matter how good the photos are. That part is very frustrating as I can't withdraw any payments made to me until that happens. Ugh. The work itself isn't a problem, I love reading and correcting writing. They also use Payoneer to withdraw to a bank account, but Payoneer needs to process my legal name change from last year... It's multiple steps. But hopefully it'll work out.
I think my patience gets tested because I want communication to be efficient and understandable, and I strive for that when I do things so I'm understood. Like, my doctor told me the PT/OT place would call to schedule an appointment for the evaluation. I got the paper referral in the mail yesterday from my Dr's office, and it has the phone number on there to call for the appt. SIGH. So I called and they didn't have it in the computer. I was looking right at it, so they said I could scan and fax it, then they'll call me back to schedule the appt when the paper is processed in a couple days or so. So basically, I wasted a little over a week by having to do at least %50 of the work myself and waiting on other people to tell me the truth. Medical access is an issue in my state, and I see now a lot of it is people who can't communicate accurately, efficiently, and completely. It was not like this at all in the place I used to live on the West Coast. So I get frustrated a lot. But I do my best to channel it into a "I will not be bullied or ignored, I have patient's rights" attitude without being a stereotype. (I don't like that stereotype's nickname because I have a very good friend Karen who would never in her life act like one of those women.)
You have been managing the medical bureaucracy with such patience and grace through this whole process. It must get maddening but I'm really impressed by how you've gotten through each step and moved on to the next with perseverance and confidence.
I think the universe occasionally likes to mess with me. LOL I got the Fiverr gig cleared up and will get paid. Both the psych doc and the OT place called for appointments the other day. Unfortunately, access is a thing still with one of them. The PT/OT place only does functional evals on Thursday Mornings! (to be fair, it's a 5 hour visit) But still, there should be more... But on a positive note, the Psych who is only available Wednesdays with this clinic (because I requested the female doc) will see me by zoom tomorrow! So that was great. We'll have to see how that goes and if she wants to prescribe anything or not, but I'm fairly sure she'll see the anxiety and panic attacks and add that to the list. Every little bit helps.
I was frustrated with UPS Friday. I do a protein shake for breakfast, a particular powder mixed with milk. mainly because I really don't like most breakfast foods, like eggs or oatmeal, and I really need protein and not sugar in the mornings. But I get the powder off Amazon and with the milk, that averages out to around $1.50 a meal. Super cool. I had a new jar (I buy the big ones and they last the whole month) due to be delivered Friday, and I get a text on Friday that I was refunded. Like.. Why? I contacted Amazon chat and they said the carrier refunded it. I actually found that amusing, as that likely meant UPS somehow messed it up and probably broke the jug. So somewhere out there was 6 pounds of chocolate protein powder in a huge mess. But it did mean I had to re-order and wait. (it came this morning) Not as easy, when you're trying to time it so that second gallon of milk doesn't go bad before you can drink it. LOL
I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I have a leave-in conditioner for my hair, as the bleaching and dying process left it pretty dry and straw-like. Most of what I could find is marketed to natural hair, as people with natural hair need extra conditioner often. I felt kinda weird getting it, like.. I dunno. I'm white. Like, Ancestry's DNA test found me 82% from the UK and the rest from northern Europe kinda white. I absolutely would hate to be culturally appropriating a product, but nothing else was affordable. (Cantu Coconut Curling Cream) Yet... putting this stuff in my hair is totally a sensory delight. it not only softens my hair and smells sooooo good, it leaves my hands super soft after. It's a treat and I'm grateful I found it. The smell takes me back to childhood when I was a military dependent and we lived in the Philippines. I remember one good day when we were exploring off-base and bought fresh coconuts, the tops lopped off to drink the milk with a straw and then snack on the meat. I remember petting a water buffalo and its nose was so soft. Smells are strong for memories. I'm glad this one was one of the better ones.
Sage,
You're juggling a lot! Congrats on the Fiverr gig resolution. By now, you've had your Zoom psych appointment. Hope that went well. A functional evaluation being 5 hours?!?! argh, that's pretty lengthy.
That UPS driver probably had a melt down when they realized they had to answer to the powers that be. Maybe we can imagine the 5 pounds of powder being consumed by feral cats, or dogs? I know it's frustrating, especially when one thing, milk expiration depends on another. Glad you have the product now and you made it through the wait.
I'm Caucasian, but have been using ethnic products for years. When I stopped using ALL SHAMPOOS of any kind, my hair said "Thank you!" and my scalp was in heaven. Just consider, rain forest natives don't use western soaps, yet their hair is healthy too! You'll save money and be happier I imagine. Cantu is a favorite! :cheer:
That story about coconuts in the Philippines and the soft water buffalo nose were a real treat. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to pet the buffalo!
It was a water buffalo hooked up to plow a rice paddy, docile as a cow, really. :)
Alas, my psych appt was postponed to Friday. Apparently, she missed a flight somewhere, oopsie. At least the reschedule is in the same week. And yeah, the PT/OT eval is to show what all I can and can't do for the disability claim as well as maybe see if I need any other assistive devices or a different cane, etc. Still... Thank goodness I can take snacks and they have water and all.
Nothing really much today. Went with my Bro to Michael's hobby store, as he wants to try painting things, like the wood boxes and shapes they have as a new hobby. He found a big wood star embossed with stars and stripes in the clearance bin, and since he's a huge Capt. America fan... LOL I think he'll find it fun. He has ADHD, so he tends to stick with a hobby and hyperfocus until he's totally burnt out on it, and the cross-stitch he's been doing a few years is going that direction. But that was fun even though it was tiring. Then we met up with my BFF and had Five Guys burgers for lunch. :) We were going to hit walmart for some needed things, but I honestly was tired and done by then. So he'll go out tomorrow. I am happy that having the disabled parking placard does make things a bit easier, distance wise.
Well, the appt with the Psychiatrist went quite well. I wasn't sure at first because it was a secure portal phone call, not a zoom, so was worried it might not work well. It did, but wow do those suck up phone battery. next time I'll plug my phone in before the call.
She's nice. Listens well, is understanding, very well trauma-informed and was impressed I'd read The Body Keeps the Score, she was already knowledgeable about how Fibro and chronic pain can be linked to trauma and such. I will be starting Sertraline (generic zoloft) to see if that helps. So I'll be keeping track of everything for a while, of course. If it doesn't help, we can try other things. But at least she listens, that means a lot to me. Not to mention it's always nice having healthcare that knows what they're talking about and you don't have to educate everyone on what you have. So that's all a positive. Especially since my anxiety about this appointment meant I didn't sleep well. I was up early, but did manage to get in a nap before the appt, so that helped a lot.
I need to do some meal planning but I keep putting it off. Hopefully I can get some done before we go to the pharmacy tomorrow. I chose the one in the grocery store we normally go to so it'll save a trip and all. I'm just happy they're open on weekends and evenings.
That's really a relief that your psychiatrist is well informed and nice. Sucks that that is something remarkable! But it is!
That sounds like quite a relief!
Finding the right help can be so tedious, i'm glad this went well for you!
Got to the pharmacy yesterday and took the first Sertraline this morning with my protein shake. You can take it with or without food, but I use that to choke down the huge calcium supplement, so it's a good time to do them both. I joke with my BFF because it's a "little blue pill", but can have the opposite effect of Viagra. I honestly don't care about that. The only thing I'm noticing about 3.5 hours after taking it is a slight sense of antsy-ness and I'm bouncing my leg a bit more. That could be a little bit of boredom, though, so I'm just writing down whatever I feel. I'll get back with the psych on the 8th to check in about it.
Sage,
I've been reading but not posting.
Fantastic progress with the online psych appointment and with getting the new RX. You're burning up the track! :applause:
What I'm noting down so far, although I'm not saying 100% is a sertraline side effect. It's still very early and it needs to establish a pattern to be sure.
The antsy-ness: I am definitely bouncing my leg more than usual. For a few hours after I take it, I am alert and feel antsy, but not actually to the point of doing anything. I find I also need to be either doing something or have the fidget toys in my hands or the skin picking increases a lot. This may chill out after the first week, supposedly. But at teh same time, I almost feel like I could nap.
Sleep: The past two nights have been... odd. I'm not actually really sleepy, per se, but I also don't feel like I'm getting deep sleep. I know I've dreamed a few times, so I clearly hit REM state, but I'm also much more aware of being awake and just laying there. Like, when I come up between REM cycles, I'm coming up enough to know I'm actually awake, which is a little frustrating.
Appetite: Oh yeah. The decrease in appetite is very noticeable today. I noticed it a little last night, as I had a little difficulty finishing dinner and wasn't hungry later on. Not even munchies. this morning, I had about a quarter cup of oatmeal and didn't really even finish it. I'm just... not really hungry at all. I may have to set reminders to eat if this keeps up. Although on a positive note, it's 10:30am already and I'm not the shaky hungry person who didn't have any protein for breakfast that I usually am. I'll just have to be careful to keep my blood sugar level and not forget a meal.
Anxiety: Honestly, I can't tell. I haven't, in the three days I've taken it now, had anything that would trigger me or a situation that would normally make me anxious, so I don't know yet if it's helping with that. I can't yet tell if it's actually improving my mood, as I still feel rather blah most of the time.
Wow Sage,
from the way you document the new med trial, I have ultimate confidence in your disability claim!!!
I experienced the same sleep issues, a lot of wakefulness. Over time it may change though. At first it was deep deep REM, lots of dreams, but then it "wore off" after 3 months.
Thank you! I'm definitely willing to give stuff a try and document whatever I need to. The psych did say one could be a little more anxious and energized the first week or so, so we'll see how this plays out before I check back in on the 8th.
Well, the side effect are interesting. I still have the bouncy leg/antsy-ness in the mornings. However, the worst one now is the sleep issue. I went to bed last night at 11:30, not tired, and I doubt I actually fell asleep until at least 2 or 3am. I didn't get up until after 9 because of it, and I really don't like that. Sleep dysfunction messes with my fibromyalgia, so this either needs to sort itself or I'll be messaging to doc to see if I can cut these pills in half. I need to sleep.
Emotion-wise, I don't feel bad, but I don't really feel... great? I know it's not quite a week yet, but everything just feels kinda... muted. I don't know how to describe it. I've thought about trying some of my hobbies and just say "bleah". I look at food to make something and nothing looks interesting. I did make a good skillet hash last night with sausage, potatoes, peppers and onions, but that was mainly because I need to eat more veggies, LOL. The leftovers will be good with an egg scrambled in.
I can tell that even though the days are still hot, autumn is on its way. I don't want salad or lemonade or cold things. Now I think about making chili or potato soup, or what I might be able to bake when it cools off. My cravings change with the seasons, one of the few useful things my body does, ha ha. Another month or two and I should be able to stand that weighted blanket. I so look forward to trying it.
I tried it for a full week. I had to cut the pill in half today, as the lack of decent sleep is too much. I took a nap on the couch for a few hours, that helped, but I'm still so tired. I also hate the excessive sweating. I've never liked that feeling.
I called the counseling place to leave a message for the doc about not sleeping and only taking half today. I got a message back that she'll televisit with me this Weds instead of next, so that's good. And she didn't say to not do it, so that's also good. If I was otherwise healthy, it might not make it so bad, but the fibromyalgia means that worse sleep = worse pain. I ache all over, bone deep. The appetite suppressant part kinda sucks too. I actually forgot to eat lunch yesterday because I just wasn't hungry.
Maybe a different med is in order, I dunno. We'll see Weds.
Sage, that sounds so difficult. I hope you and your doctor find some relief and until that meeting that you find some ease.
Hi Sage,
You're describing things I know well. The muted appetite part is a strange one. I felt a great ambivalence about food, chose not to eat, and lost massive amounts of weight. All well and good except, the piper eventually has to be paid. It comes with complete wardrobes in different sizes, and shock and dismay when the "real" appetite emerges, sometime later.
As far as sleep, yeah! Fibro is a real kick-@$$ condition. I have it too and managing it requires careful careful rationing of daily energy, etc.
I hope you can reach a level of comfort with your T recommendations. The problem always is, it takes a while.
Those side effects sound miserable and you did a good job standing up for yourself by calling. I hope you get both understanding from the prescribing doc and some solutions.
I really like this psych. She is adamant about not continuing something that doesn't work. So, we'll be switching to citalopramine (Lexapro). It's a smaller dose by a lot. I hope this will help better.
Nothing really much to talk about lately. Still working on why abandonment is a big thing for me. My T wanted me to come up with one way I dissociate negatively. Honestly, I don't think any of them are terribly positive.
The lexapro seems to be better than the sertraline. I'm at least sleeping better and I'm not as hot. How I feel emotionally, that still remains to be seen as it levels out.
Sage,
Going through the med search is so tiring.
QuoteThe lexapro seems to be better than the sertraline. I'm at least sleeping better and I'm not as hot
:yes:
It sounds like you have a good psych there, I'm glad she's taking things so seriously and doesn't make you wait :cheer:
Best wishes to find the right meds. You deserve it!
:hug:
Hugs and tea as you sort this out.
As a fellow dissociater I don't even understand your T's assignment!
Talked with my T Monday. Everyone dissociates in non-harmful ways for small amounts. Lost track of time in a good book? On auto-pilot while driving to work? Daydream on a nice day? Positive dissociation. I actually did find an example of when I dissociate negatively. I like true crime shows and books because I find the science of forensics fascinating. I was reading one online and something in the story triggered me. The next time I was "aware" of myself, it was 3 hours later and I was playing a brainless puzzle game. I'd not only avoided the rest of the article, I'd closed the tabs, the window, and done something else while "zoning out" enough to lose time.
On a positive note (I guess), we discovered as we talked that it wasn't the actual crime that made me dissociate, it was the abandonment of the victim. I'm at least able to identify what the trigger was. I still don't have a memory to correlate with that issue, at least consciously, but it's important enough that something is there. It'll come when I'm able to deal with it, even if I kind of dread it at the same time. I think that makes sense.
Hi Sage,
It definitely makes sense.
QuoteI'm at least able to identify what the trigger was.
Your ability to identify the trigger is excellent. But even if you couldn't, that memory is now half way to the surface, and will provide you with an opportunity for whatever your mind chooses.
I totally agree, there's positive and negative types of dissociation, Sometimes it's strange to think it's so "normal." I too like the crime/forensic stuff, because justice prevails at least 51% of the time. I like tipping the scales into "rightness."
Sounds like you're keeping a watchful eye on yourself and handling those ups and downs well.
Ahhhhhh that makes sense. It was a confusing way for her to word it! I often don't know the trigger, or can figure out what triggered me, but not why it is a trigger. But there are other times the pieces have slowly come together to make sense and it felt like such a relief to understand it. When it makes sense, it makes acceptance easier. And when there's acceptance at least I've found the dissociation goes away faster ironically.
A real simple example is I used to notice I'd dissociate real bad watching cartoons with my daughter. I didn't understand and I told my T and he explained "you're relaxing and that's a scary thing for you so you dissociate" but that didn't feel right since it was specifically cartoons. A few months later I was talking with my mom (not about this god never) and she mentioned in passing that my stepdad would get really mad about me and my sister watching cartoons on the TV because he wanted the TV and they would get in big fights about it. Ah ok. Now my dissociation makes sense and I have a story to go with it and it doesn't really happen anymore.
Sage, I appreciate you sharing these experiences. I never thought about positive dissociation. It makes sense that there are different experiences and I wonder if we need them all to distinguish them. I also appreciate you noticing the things that lead to or perhaps contribute to dissociation. I hope that each piece of awareness supports you in caring for yourself.
Thanks all, glad I could clear that up. Doing okay so far. The escitalopram (I know it's generic, but it's easier to type lexapro, lol) is... ok? I've had the dissociation still and I'm thinking this dose isn't really doing my for my anxiety, but at least the side effects are minimal, if anything. I talk to the doc again on the 15th, I'll give it till then.
Today should be good, if tiring. Old friends from way back are in town today and I've arranged to have dinner with them. I've missed being around these people. They knew the ex, but they also knew my mom, and were always closer to her and I anyway. They're good people and it's nice to know they still support me. And they're only a state away now instead of halfway across the country! :) I'm introducing them to one of my favorite local restaurants. I'm just glad it's still in business. It's so nice to have these kinds of things to look forward to among all the other stuff. And everyone's vaccinated, so I can get hugs!
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Hugs, food, favorites and friends. :grouphug:
QuoteThe escitalopram (I know it's generic, but it's easier to type lexapro
I don't ever
type lol but did it instead!
:hug:
Have a great dinner!
Dinner with friends was great, it was so wonderful to see them again. They really hit it off with my BFF, too, as everyone is gigantic book nerds, LOL. I was really tired Sunday, but it was worth it.
I get to talk to the psych this morning. The escitalopram doesn't have as strong side effects, true... But I'm not certain it does much for my mood at this strength either. Nightmares and having trouble falling asleep still continue. Sleepy or not, once I lay down I'm awake for at least an hour or two. I may ask if I can switch to taking it before bed and see if that makes a difference first. Emotionally, though, I don't feel it's doing anything. The few times I went out, I still had anxiety.
I also felt sad all day Monday. Not sure why, no conscious reason. I just felt kind of on the verge of crying all day but never really did. My T said maybe find some videos or something that could start it, it's ok to cry for no reason. It just feels... pent up for some weird reason. Nothing else new going on right now, but I'll take the lull while I can get it.
I'm still here. I'm talking to the psych today about the lexapro. Still not sleeping well, so I kinda tuned out there for a while due to exhaustion. We'll see what she says this morning.
Edit - This should be interesting. She's upping the lexapro since it didn't affect moods, and adding as-needed trazadone for the nights I really really can't get to sleep. We'll see how this works.
Last night was good. My BFF's sister is in town visiting. She's really nice. We all had dinner together at the local Chinese place, one that's not cheap, but is utterly amazing in quality. (Example: Jackie Chan has eaten there twice!) It was all so good! Soup dumplings, green onion pancakes, and we all shared our entrees and demolished them. It was really good to see her again.
My BFF and I are doing a road trip again on the 30th. We're going to go to a really lovely petroglyph park site that my therapist recommended because it's very ADA-accessible, no climbing or rough trails. Then he's booked us a room for the night at a local hot springs, and the next day will be spent at some apple orchards before coming home. I really love doing that, as the stands the orchards usually have sell great stuff in addition to apples. I might make some apple butter if I have the energy. But the time away in nature, taking it easy, sounds like such a treat. I'm so grateful. So I won't be online those 2 days until late Friday.
Brain-wise, I'm thinking about exploring a quirk of mine, as I feel it's relevant. I cannot sleep with open doors. Bedroom door, closet, they have to be closed for me to feel safe.
:hug:
Sage, I enjoyed hearing about your recent events - you added so much description I felt as though I was experiencing it too.
I also appreciate you mentioning a quirk you notice in needing closed doors. It brought to mind things I notice about myself where I just feel off if something goes a certain way that feels out of order to me. I realize that the order/routine has come to signal to me that it is time for certain things to happen. I appreciate though that you notice what makes you feel safe.
I was thinking more on the closed door thing and why it makes me feel safer. Especially because I was never the kid who believes in closet or underbed monsters. But to sleep as well as I can (given my physical problems with it), I need closed doors and hardly any light at all, and white noise or total quiet. (So, white noise, since I have cats, ha ha) I have the Google Home assistant and I tell it to play certain kinds of non-vocal new age-like music while I sleep and that's so nice! But I had the doors + dark issue long before I had fibromyalgia, so there's some other component to that. I think what I might try is sleeping with the door cracked for a night or two, see how that makes me feel. Other than the cats coming in, of course.
I tried half a trazodone last night as I was still wide awake at 11:30. It still took about an hour for me to feel tired/drowsy. If the door thing bothers me, I'll try a whole one. This is all experimentation to see what helps anyway. As for the increase in the lexapro, I did still feel the anxiety in the car when we went out to dinner. But a day or two isn't enough to evaluate the change, these things need a little time to build up and plateau in your system.
Sage, you are so funny about your cats! White noise, yep. And you've been talking a lot about many familiar things: closed doors, absence of light, Trazadone.
I thought Trazadone was my wonder drug, but turns out it wasn't. It does take a while for it to work, and doubling the dose on sleepless nights only makes things worse.
Your trip to the petroglyph and hot springs site sounds so indulgent!! Congrats to you and high marks for self care. Autumn is the time for inhaling all those aromas and planning time in the kitchen to prolong the delight.
From your rave reviews of the Chinese food, I conclude I've never had GOOD Chinese. Can you tell more about the green onion pancakes? I've been on an onion roll kick, gotta have them. It's taken over the sugar craving. Strange!
At least onions are good for you! This is fried, so maybe not as much, but it's addictive. The restaurant I go to fries them a little more golden than the pic in this article: https://www.chinasichuanfood.com/chinese-scallion-pancakes/
I think for Americans, "pancake" confuses people as we tend to think of that generally as the sweet syrup-covered ones for breakfast. But this has a dough and is fried in a pan, so I can see why they translated it like that. It's crispy and chewy at the same time, and each wedge is utterly addictive with a couple drops of soy sauce and red chili oil(if you want that) on it. It's thin and not super filling, so it makes a great appetizer to share. I actually had a frozen brand from the int'l grocery store once that was really tasty, but I don't recall the brand, sorry. Also, I call them green onions. I think scallions might be either a regional or generally european term for those. They're the long skinny ones that are often used as garnish as well. This is a nice treat because it has flavor, but the onions aren't overpowering. Highly recommend!
Check back for the picture to show up, I snagged the photo off my restaurant's website. There's no location info on it, but it'll show you how they fry it well.
Oh yummy! Thanks for posting. Similar to a korean pancakes too. Pajeon. https://mykoreankitchen.com/korean-seafood-and-green-onion-pancakes-haemul-pajeon/
Now I want to make some...
I appreciate you sharing - it looks and sounds tasty!
Well, that was interesting. I finally got through the phone call with the company contracted by my insurance to help people work with Social Security, as I might qualify for supplemental income. Gosh, that would help a lot. Still, hour and a HALF on the phone! and that was just their interview, they have to submit everything to the SSA and then they'll have an interview, etc. Whew what a process. I'm tired just from that.
I am drooling over those pancakes! Thanks for the great shot in the arm.
Whoa, you were contacted, out of the blue, (sorta) about qualifying for SSI? A-MAZING. Sure, all those conversations are well over an hour, but hey! That's one less hour and a half you have to invest later. I definitely understand the fatigue. Whether I went in person or talked on the phone, I made notes of all the interactions and keep them in my "AGENCY" folder. It comes in handy.
So, tomorrow, you're off and away. If I had a little hankie, I've wave it for you, Since I don't the sentiment will have to do. Remember charging cords. Have a fun time.
Hi Cactusflower,
That is great news about your application process. :cheer:
Hope :)
Application: Not really out of the blue. The company is one that works with insurance companies to help people get on things like SSI and SSDI. I used to work for an insurance company, so I'm fortunately very familiar with the process. Now I'm just waiting to receive the consent forms and such in the mail and send them back so they can send the application to the SSA. They'll likely want their own interview, etc.
Road Trip: I have to laugh. It was a wash, and yet it wasn't. So we went to the petroglyph site but didn't really see many because the trail is NOT as "accessible" as was claimed. But I did get 3 or 4 pictures of some small ones and the area was utterly gorgeous. It was very very quiet and had a very spiritual and peaceful feeling to it. It was lovely to just sit there in the fresh air and listen to the wind and desert sounds. I did see 3 or 4 of our cute little local lizards, and several butterflies. Then we headed to some apple farms.... But every one of them had closed fruit stands! Google said they were open. Grr. LOL But, again, a beautiful drive and pretty area. We did stop at one place that grew pistachios, but their gift shop was way overpriced. Although my BFF did buy some pistachio fudge for me, LOL. I haven't tried it yet, but I'm sure it's good. Even though our goals didn't pan out, we utterly love just driving as he loves to drive, and I love to go along. It's the company that makes it wonderful. Yeah, sitting in a car that long is hard and I have to recuperate the next day, but it was worth it.
Today, I indulged a little. I made tea and toast and watched Saturday Morning cartoons on Disney + for a couple hours. (old Duck Tales episodes, to be exact) I'm actually very impressed. There was a disclaimer before the episodes explaining that these old cartoons had stereotypes and misrepresentations of peoples/cultures. It then explained that you should discuss that with your kids because it was wrong then and is wrong now. And wow, I didn't realize how pervasive that old stuff was. They had a Spanish dude in South America dressed like a conquistador, ordering the "savages" around, and his name was Joaquin Slowly. I was just sitting there going "Wow.... really? wow." But watching cartoons on Saturday was a fun thing to do for a couple hours.
Sage,
YIKES! Here I am thinking, hey! She's supposed to be on a great trip!
I worked for insurance too, but land title, however did interview for a disability examiner back when. Interesting stuff, they "tested" me with behavioral questions to see if I'd get exasperated. Anyway, glad to know you're waiting and not striving.
Oh that ticks me off about the accessibility stuff, really truly. And those closed farm stands as well as stores. (Stamping feet and having a tantrum!) Congrats on watching the cartoons, I've come across the same stuff, and was equally surprised, but my faves are Bullwinkle & Rocky, not too much stereotyping until we get to Boris and Natasha. I'm glad you were able to take the disappointment of the trip in stride, and allow yourself recovery time and activities. I have yet to develop that kind of resilience, any change throws me right off.
When I first read your post, "We utterly love just driving as he loves to drive, and I love to go along" my mind substituted "sing" along because that was a heart lifting activity, until it wasn't. It had more to do with the driver. Just wondering if you do sing with your BFF sometimes on your drives?
AHAHAHAHAHAH! I love to sing, but he can't carry a tune in a bucket and doesn't even try. It's something we joke about. I'm a second soprano and have chorus experience, he's not even that interested usually in listening to a lot in the car. He doesn't mind on the occasions I do. When I and my bro are in the car, we do tend to sing to the radio a lot because we listen to a local station that's mostly 80's and 90's but quite eclectic, so there's stuff we both grew up with. At home, I love to sing along with my video playlists, but I keep it to daytime or weekend evenings as I have close neighbors. :)
Were they hoping you'd get frustrated, or seeing how much it takes to mess you up? I must admit, I'm nervous about their judgement.
You just brightened my day, all of 45 minutes old! Tell me more about the choral experience, and maybe choose 5 musicians that bring on the good feelings.
If you have close neighbors, nobody's stopped you yet, you might interpret that as THEY ENJOY IT!
Aw, thank you. Experience... I was in Madrigal chorus in high school, where I had a great teacher and found I was a second soprano. (Madrigal is mostly medieval and renaissance music, often in other languages.) Later in life, I was part of the Denver Women's Chorus for a few years. (ok for location as I haven't lived in that state for quite some time.) I also did some musical theater in school and have always loved to sing. I love music in general and can pretty much find a song for any mood. I do have a playlist on youtube that can cheer me up most days, I just call it "positivity". It's got things like Justin Timberlake's "Can't Stop the Feeling", Mika's "Big Girls are Beautiful", etc. My chorus teachers were wonderful and taught proper technique, so part of why I fear sometimes being too loud is I project without thinking about it . :)
5 Musicians.... Well, I have really good memories of a car full of friends and we were all singing along to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody", just like in Wayne's World. I've always appreciated Queen. (first rock band where all members had college degrees.) I have some Irish heritage, so I appreciate that by listening to the Chieftains, and have been lucky enough to see them in concert. Mom instilled a love of folk music in me, so I'd have to add another group who I've been to their reunion tour, the Chad Mitchell Trio. Fourth - I can listen to the "Here for Your Entertainment" album by Adam Lambert for hours. That boy is so incredibly talented. There's a reason Queen chose him to be on their tour. Lastly, my favorite band ever who I've seen in concert 7 times in my life, they're Canadian folk rock from Newfoundland. Well, they went their separate ways amicably after the 20th anniversary album, but Great Big Sea! And yes, they have one song about hockey. Highly recommend their stuff, they're amazing.
Thank you, that was a really good exercise. It's nice to think of the positives.
Sage,
Your answer blew me away! There's a lot there, in experience, kinds of music, innate love, technique and of course Queen! Any one of those things would take a separate journey down the musical lane. Thank you so much for giving me a lot to think about. You're appreciation of your teachers, and discoveries along the way are inspiring (off the chart!)
After I got my cochlear implant in 2017, it was a new experience learning how to hear with it, especially music. In 2018, I attended my college program put on my the performing arts department. Their focus? Queen! I attended and cried in the front row. Not only was it energetic, but also the first "live" concert I'd attended in 50 years! What a life changer! Eventually, I found my way to web music and now have several hundred songs organized neatly in playlists.
I would love to be your neighbor.
Awww, thank you! I told my Therapist Monday about your question and my answer, and she really liked it as a way to remember the little things that make us happy in life. Maybe I can incorporate more lists like that. I'm pretty bad at keeping up "daily" tasks, but maybe something weekly in a journal. :) See, you're inspiring too!
Still here. Been trying to reset the time I go to sleep as I have that PT/OT eval on Thursday, which means I have to get up at 6:30. Yuck. Gotta be done. Still find that I can't bring myself to sleep with the door open.
Ironic that I spoke of liking the Chieftains as a band recently. Apparently the lead singer passed away yesterday. Paddy Moloney was 83. The times I got to see them in concert are all the more precious now. Sometimes I think I must now know how previous generations felt, when I see a bunch of musicians and actors and go, "Uh... who?" and the ones I liked start to die off. It's a weird sensation.
Today actually felt like October. Chilly winds, I'm wearing the cardigan I crocheted, and finally have on my warm socks. I'm all stocked up on tea and my bro made an INCREDIBLE chocolate cake totally from scratch a couple days ago. Like, I am impressed with this cake. LOL Next laundromat trip will be including sweatshirts and robes and such. Snuggly soft stuff. As a positive, it's finally cool enough that I may try that weighted blanket soon.
Hey Sage,
I "feel" the yuck of getting up at 6:30, the sadness of a learning a favorite musician has died and the cool October vibes. A huge cheer for your Brother who braved obstacles to make that cake! I've NEVER done that. Laundry still scares me, but with sweats, and robes, you don't need to guess at the time. An hour or more.
It makes a lot of sense to adjust your sleep time for tomorrow. I wish you well.
Well, the PT/OT eval is over. Man, that was hard. 4 hours of testing things like putting a crate on a shelf at waist height, then shoulder height, with varying weights. Distance walking. Pushing, pulling, dexterity, grip strength (min is bad), etc. With my knees, it was obvious I couldn't do much. Squats and crouches were over with quite quickly, as I can't even get to 90 degrees. My bro was kind enough to get lunch on the way home and then we watched a movie while eating, then I took a nap for a few hours. I still ache so much and so, so tired. I'll probably be out of commission until at least tomorrow afternoon as well. Just trying to rest and hydrate at the moment. She'll produce a 10-page report, though. It'll be interesting to see what it says.
:cheer:
That sounds like it would be exhausting even without fibromyalgia. Way to go getting through the assessment and then resting. Your bro by choice sounds like a very good brother to have.
Wow! That was a really long PT/OT evaluation. Hope you are getting some good rest and recovery from that.
Not really much to report. I get to have a check-in with the doc about the meds next week. Still having sleep issues, but my therapist agreed when I suggested I try to release some of the "shoulds" about it. Like, I "should" go to bed around 10 or 11 at the latest, or I "should" get up around 7 or 8, etc. So this week, I will try to allow myself to just sleep when I feel sleepy and be awake when I feel it, regardless of what time that is.
My PCP should (ha!) have the PT/OT eval results by the end of the week. I want to see a copy of the report before notifying anyone that I'm adding it to the disability documentation.
On a positive note, my bro made bread. No-knead bread from scratch. I'm pretty impressed with his baking skills so far. It was a little dense, but utterly delicious with butter and a cuppa tea. I switched out all my seasonal clothes and am feeling comfy in my PJs and cardigan. I think I might make a warm wrap or something similar, as it's finally cool enough to crochet again and I do have a bunch of scrap yarn. Pumpkin is just happy to be on fleece blankets again. She's a very spoiled diva kitty who loves super-soft things.
Sage, I appreciate your reflection about "shoulds." I often get this way especially when making adjustments to my routines. I hope that you find ways to make adjustments that feel right to you.
I got a copy of the OT eval report. I think it supports what I already knew, that I can't do that much, but I need to read it in detail. it's not exactly clear with its format. It does note all the places I had trouble, definitely.
Next week is going to be busy and tiring. Laundry and therapy monday, med check-in weds, and vaccine booster on thurs. Sigh.
Hi Cactusflower,
I know you have your laundry and therapy today - just wanted to pop by and say I hope your day goes ok.
Hope :)
Laundry and therapy went well, LOL. Of course, I always have to recuperate from laundry and nothing gets put away right away. My apt doesn't have a washer/dryer, so my bro and I have to haul to a laundromat. I don't know what I'd do without him, honestly. But at least all the winter clothes have been swapped and my closet is full of sweats and warmer things. it's been unseasonably warmer this month, but I'm not complaining. Pretty windy today, though. I had my check with the psych. Since the lexapro didn't really help and trazodone sucked for sleeping, we're abandoning those and trying Nortriptyline next. I also get my vaccine booster shot tomorrow morning. Bro got his yesterday and felt like poop all day today, so my BFF is taking me tomorrow. Doc thinks since I hadn't taken any meds for a really long time, I might be sensitive to medications in general. I just home the new one lets me sleep better. She said it can have a sedating effect at the lower doses. We'll try it. At least disability will know I'm trying.
I did manage to get a delicious chicken corn chowder in the instant pot today. The chicken soup of it should help Bro feel better, and there will be plenty left if my booster makes me feel yucky. it turned out quite delicious. Recipe below, but be warned, I don't tend to measure often.
2 chicken leg quarters, boiled, deboned and shredded. (save the water)
2 cans UNDILUTED cream of chicken soup
1 can creamed corn
1 - 1.5 onions, minced
3 or 4 teaspoons minced garlic
about 2 teaspoons dried celery flakes (because I hate actual celery pieces, but you could chop up a few stalks)
couple dashes of poultry seasoning
couple teaspoons thyme
salt and pepper to taste
you could mince up a carrot or two and add it, but I was out. This amount made normal bowl sized servings for two people and there's enough for 2-3 meals left. Filled my instant pot about halfway.
thank you for sharing that recipe ! I am going to try that !!
Well, I don't have chills, but I am definitely achy today, more than usual. Like I lifted a lot of things or moved stuff. I think I'll ask Toni to pick up my Rx. This is why we use the same pharmacy at the grocery store, convenience. At least there's lots of leftover soup and it's still delicious. I'm just too tired and blah to do anything. Certainly not as bad as the reaction to the second shot, that was like the worst flu for a day and a half. At least that's how long things are seeming to last, so it's fine. Better than not having it. I might lay back down in a little bit after I eat something.
You're doing a great job listening to your body, Sage. Tea and toast. 🌼
As expected. I was back to normal after about a day and a half, so now I'm vaxed and boosted. Bro did pick up my meds for me. I hope Nortriptyline helps. it's a low dose, but it's an interesting ramp-up of 1x a day for a week, then take 2 a day. I'm on the 4th day of that and I did seem to sleep a little better. I still am awake for far too long at night, but I didn't wake up as often once I got there. It'll be interesting to see if that helps as the dose ramps up.
Emotionally, I've been kind of numb, but I think some of that is due to dealing with the body issues. I also feel ambivalent about the Holidays. The most I ever celebrated, really, was when Mom was alive. She and I had our things. It wasn't much, but it was good. After she passed, I didn't do as much in the toxic relationship because I never had any help. From cooking to decorating to Xmas trees, you name it, I did 100% of it, so I just... quit doing it. At most now, I make dinner for me, bro, and my BFF because neither of them are into the hols as well and it's too hard anyway with the Fibro. I guess because of the work I'm doing, I missing Mom more this year. She'd be proud of all the steps I'm taking to work on the issues.
Sage, I appreciate your updates. I also feel ambivalent this time year and appreciate that you find your own ways to celebrate.
Well, my sleep schedule is still off, but I am getting a bit more sleep, at least. Like, the normal amount for me. I don't think I've been a wake up around 9/10, go to bed at 2/3am person, since summer school breaks as a teenager. Today is the last of the 1 cap a day on the Nortriptyline, next is 2 caps a day. The next check-in with the doc is the 24th. My BFF has plans for the 25th, Thanksgiving, so we're going over to eat with him on the 26th, Friday instead. I'm excited, as he plans to make his curried sweet potatoes which are deeelish. I personally had the typical dish that has (shudder yak) marshmallows on top, so this alternative is great. Since we're going over there, I may make the gravy once I get there as I have no way to take it and it still be edible after a trip. I just love that we really have no pressure to be perfect with each other, so I'm not overly concerned about the dinner. We know what we like and are both good cooks.
The holidays in general are feeling a little sad this year. I think it might be because I'm finally in a safe space and working on things that I can truly feel the loss of not having Mom here. I might discuss with my T the difference in holidays from when Male parental unit was around compared just me and Mom. Also, bro has been continuing his baking adventures and made some utterly delightful snickerdoodle cookies that went quickly. Mom and I used to make cookies around Christmas. Not the kind you decorate with icing, but 2 or 3 of our favorite kinds. Peanut butter (the kind with a crosshatch pressing in with a fork) was the favorite, then chocolate chip, then sugar cookies or snickerdoodles. (for those that don't know, snickerdoodles are basically a sugar cookie dusted with cinnamon before baking.) So much of my memories of love and comfort with Mom center around good food. I'll actually be making a batch of chili later today, and it's pretty much mom's recipe. I sometimes laugh when bro gets frustrated at my recipes because I've been cooking so long that I don't actually measure in my staple dishes. he'll be like, "How much chili powder?" And I'm all, "I have no idea. enough to turn the tomato sauce to a brick red instead of bright red." LOL I'll attempt to share with you. I don't believe in "secret" recipes because I believe good food should be shared and teaching others to make something they like is a gift to them. That way, the connection and love live on. Oh good lord. I just realize I'm babbling like the blog posts I can't stand, where you have to read the life story to get to the recipe. HAHAHAH!
Winter Chili (makes enough for 6-8 people, or 2 people for 4-5 meals. freezes really well)
1 lb. ground beef, lean
1-2 chopped onions
3-5 cloves, minced, or 2 Tbs pre-minced garlic
salt and pepper to taste
1 large (24oz) jar Pace Picante Sauce (I use mild as I don't make a super spicy chili. I feel it's better to make it mild, then people can adjust their bowls to their own choice. for those who aren't familiar with this, your favorite salsa. I also use this because it gets other veggies in without a lot of prep work.)
2 14oz cans tomatoes. crushed, diced, minced, whatever, just not whole or sliced.
1 large can (29oz) tomato sauce
beans are optional. if you use them, red kidney beans are the best option. if you do, then one 14oz can, drained.
Chili powder
(note: if you are trying to get more veggies or want to hide veggies in it, say... from kids, you can mince up 1-2 large carrots very tiny and it won't affect the flavor or be noticeable. wink wink.)
Brown the hamburger and break it up well. You can put the garlic and onion in while you do this. I prefer to not have large chunks of meat, but that's just me. Either drain or spoon out the grease if there's a lot. Add everything else. Don't drain the tomatoes, but do drain the beans if you use them. This will end up thick, but not thick enough to stand up a spoon. But also not thin like soup.
Again, when it comes to the chili powder.... I'd have to guess it's maybe 3-4 tablespoons? Literally, I put in enough to turn it from bright tomato red to a dark brick red. If you're into chili on the spicy/hot end of the spectrum, you could add minced jalapenos or red pepper flakes. You have fun with that.
Simmer on low heat for 45 minutes to and hour or so. Good in a slow cooker all day or the slow cooker setting on an Instant Pot. Serve hot, great with shredded cheese on it. Very filling and even better as leftovers cause the flavors blended! Hope you feel the love.
I'm honestly not sure what to think about the Nortriptyline. Neither I nor bro have noticed any change emotionally/psychologically. Sleep has slightly improved and I'm relatively back on "schedule". I haven't really gone out much, so I haven't had a chance to test the anxiety issues lately. I will have to go to the store soon. We ordered some paper goods and stuff from Walmart to do a pickup (so convenient!) and they were already out of the small turkey I wanted. Like, it's only the 8th! So I am stressing about that a little. We'll try the regular grocery store later this week. What I want to do is get a small one (there's only 3 of us) and piece it up to use the instant pot. It will be super moist that way.
Most emotional stuff has been missing mom more this year. I think it's because I've had to be so strong for so long and do all the work, I'm really getting that "I just want Mommy to take care of me" vibe. I think I'm going to have to be really careful not to stress overly much about the meals this year or it'll get overwhelming really quick.
It's gotten quite chilly at night lately. I might finally get the weighted blanket out and try it while we watch our cooking shows in the evening. I'll need Bro's help since it's a 25 pounder. lol I also want to start crocheting another cardigan, but I keep procrastinating for some reason. Well, therapy is today, maybe we can explore that. And I need another haircut, and to trim my nails, and, and, and.... Ugh. I just want to go back to bed and not deal with it all. It doesn't help that we are out a toaster. I refuse to toast bread in the oven as it's wasting energy just for that, and it takes too long in the frying pan. And now I feel guilty for whining. Maybe I really do need that blanket.
Sage, it sounds like you are puzzling out a lot. I hope that you continue finding one next step to take.
Hi Sage,
I'm hoping that you are able to keep warm and cosy, as you mentioned how chilly it is at night lately.
Hope :)
I finally tried my weighted blanket last night while we watched TV. 2 main things: 1-I love it! 2-I'll have to put a sheet or throw between me and it because those microbeads are COLD, LOL.
Yeah, the blanket has pockets filled with some kind of beads, so it was chilly when I got it out of the bag. I laid down on the couch while we watched Sugar Rush, a baking competition on Netflix. It warmed up pretty quickly. The weight was very strangely comforting. Bro was laughing at my description, but the best way I can describe it is like being cuddled or hugged without having to deal with people. ha ha. He tried it and didn't like, but his loss. I felt very calm and almost dozed off under it. Super relaxing. I'm very grateful to have gotten this item. Also, it's a pretty gold on dark blue print.
It is cold!!!
Glad you love it. I feel like it's the comforting hand of a loving caregiver firmly patting me back down to sleep. Shhhhh. Shhhhh. Ssshhhhh.
Chosen family is so much better for me. :)
Bro doesn't like apples all that much, but made cinnamon apple muffins because I like them. Also, he surprised me by buying a box of those "Queen Anne" chocolate covered cherries at the store. He remembered that I talked about sharing those with Mom around the holidays as a good memory. Maybe I'll try talking to my inner child about holidays and see what she says. I still don't have memories of those before about age 6 or 7.
cinnamon apple muffins sound amazing !
Hoping you all have a great day !
Ugh. cruddy stuff lately. Had an EF yesterday and ended up losing an hour and a half just sitting there with my teddy bear and crying. Seeing where my abandonment issues come from explains a lot, but working through them sucks. Also dreamed last night that I was on the bus, headed to see Mom because we both had a couple days off and were gonna go shopping together. I remember calling her and chatting. I didn't want to get up this morning. I wanted to stay in the dream so I could see and hear her again. It's hitting hard this year.
I am thinking of you Sage. That all sounds very heavy.
Not as bad today, thank goodness. Still feeling a bit down, but it's not unbearable. As for the Nortriptyline, I do have the dizziness, but also not unbearable. More like the "woah, I stood up too fast" kind of thing. I did start crocheting. I'm starting a simple cardigan. I think taking my time (I can only do a little bit at a time or my hands ache) and making myself something comfy and warm will be nice. Bro is still having fun baking. I feel lemon pound cake may be in my immediate future, LOL. I'm also wondering if unpacking (hah) my abandonment issues will help with my collecting addiction. Not as in I'm a hoarder, far from that, but I do tend to find it hard to let go of things even if I don't have a need for them.
My state is also seeing a big surge in COVID cases, so that makes me even less likely to want to go out. Sorry I'm kinda rambling. I'm not really awake yet. Another day of not wanting to get up after certain dreams.
Today is therapy day, so I'll talk to her about the flashback and the abandonment things. It's like... Each little piece that comes up, I still have this feeling that there's a lot more behind it, you know?
Also feeling some anxiety around the upcoming holidays. I heard a news story that said turkeys were more expensive than ever this year AND part of that whole "less supply, blahblah. blame all the shippers" thing. I'm trying to figure out a plan B in case I can't get a turkey in time. Ham? Roast Chicken? My heart knows no one will care if it's not turkey, but I still feel that residual "I don't dare disappoint people" energy. Ugh.
Bro ended up making a coffee cake instead. I love cinnamon, so it's going fast. If I have it with a cafe de olla, that counts as breakfast, right?
Yesterday was... interesting. I managed to find all the stuff I need, turkey included, at the store. So that reduces a little stress. I don't know if the Nortriptyline is making a big difference, but I wasn't as anxious in traffic quite as much. Only clenched the door handle once when one too many cars went through the yellow light in front of us. But we weren't even close. I swear the grocery store seems to be putting in more and more self-checkouts, I think they only have 5 or 6 regular lanes left. I hate those self-checkouts. I've never gone through one where the computer didn't have some issue that someone had to be called over for. But I was rather pleased with myself. Between sales and the coupons, I saved almost $20 on the receipt. Basically got the turkey and 4 other things for just over the price of the turkey. :) The cashier was nice too, not too chatty but very friendly. So it was a good excursion.
I'm talking with my BFF about maybe writing my memoirs. How many do you write before it becomes an autobiography? I realize I lived through a lot of interesting things, but there's also a part of me that keeps saying, "Why bother? It's not that interesting. Who would want to read it?" I love writing, but writing about myself hits that Inner Critic that tells me writing about myself is selfish and bragging and boring. Ugh. More to work through.
i hope you have a great day !
I think it would be great for you to write a memoir. Does it work to quiet your inner critic if you write as f you are only writing for yourself?
Mmm, sometimes. I could try pretending I'm just writing this for the heck of it and no one else will actually read it. At least to get a rough draft down.
Not really much to report. I do my meds check-in Weds, not sure what will happen with that. Bro is still baking yummy stuff, we'll be doing dinner at BFF's on Friday, I've been sleeping relatively okay. Sometimes a lack of bad is good enough.
All in all, a pretty decent week, I'll take it. My doc is upping the Nortriptyline to 3 a day. We had our holiday dinner yesterday over with my BFF and it was soooooo good. Turkey, curried sweet potatoes, stuffing, a waldorf salad, cranberry sauce (homemade), gravy, and dessert was a cherry pie (sugar free from a local bakery). Lots of leftovers. Oh, and bro's dinner rolls. I did the turkey in the instant pot since we don't care about "crispy skin", so it was so moist it was literally falling off the bone.
Oh, the therapist suggested on Monday, what about getting a rocking chair? A simple way to self soothe AND comfy and I can crochet and stuff in it. I loved the idea and the universe provided. (For which I am grateful!) I found a nice glider rocker with stool and cushions locally on FB marketplace for only $45, and they'll bring it over tomorrow. I really look forward to that. Then Monday, someone else will pick up the armchair I never sit in (I'm short, so it's not comfy) and I'll be all set to relax.
So yeah, a relatively decent week. Sleep is doing okay, mood is okay, bills are paid... I hope this continues, even for a little bit.
Hi Sage,
I'm glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving Dinner, and the meal sounds wonderful. Your cherry pie sounds really great too.
I'm also glad to hear you're getting a rocking chair, I hope it gives you space to relax and enjoy rocking in it.
:hug:
Hope :)
Alrighty! Old armchair is gone, rocking chair is in place. My therapist said since I find the rocking so calming and soothing, to try using it like EMDR if I need to. (although not WITH the EMDR. I might get seasick, LOL) It really is super comfy. And it fit well in the armchair's space, so I don't need to move around end tables like I thought I would. I can definitely see how rocking in it when I'm upset would help. And it gives me a reason to crochet another warm lap blanket.
The 3 Nortriptyline a day seems to be okay. The only side effect I'll have to mitigate is... Well, let's just say I will need a fiber supplement, lol. But it has cut down the anxiety a wee bit. And, taking 2 at night seems to assist with staying asleep once I actually fall asleep. I talk to that doc next on the 22nd, so the experiment continues.
Sage, I also love rocking and am soothed by the description of your new set up. I hope you have much comfort in that rocker.
I had a very unpleasant nightmare Wednesday night. I'm not going into detail here, as it's still triggering to think about it. Things I said in the dream just... my mind kinda skitters off of it to distract myself with anything rather than go over it again, if that makes sense. And I just did it again. Went and looked up recipes for a couple minutes before finishing this post. Does anyone else have this issue? Like, you can calmly and intellectually say, yes, I was abused... But actually admitting or naming the details is just too hard yet to make it real? I think I'll go back to some of my workbooks and write up the basic/beginning exercises again. Kinda like... checking the baseline. I dunno. I feel all over the place on the topic right now.
Bro is still baking. His granola was just okay, but I have hopes for the biscotti next. I'm about 2/3 done with the cardigan and have started an afghan.
Sending you comfort and tea and toast. The nightmare sounds difficult. I do skitter off a lot as you describe.
Talked with my therapist today, included the nightmare. I had to let her read on screen where I wrote about it, as I still can't actually say it. She agrees like my mind is kinda giving me a "heads up" something big will come up to be worked on so I'm not totally unprepared. Talked other positive stuff, too, so that helped. She was glad to hear about how much I like the rocking chair. I've made it part of my morning routine while I waiting for the kettle to boil. She'll be taking 2 weeks off after Xmas, so that should be interesting.
Oops, didn't mean to let it go so long. It's fortunately been uneventful. Creatively, I got enough yarn to do the sleeves of my cardigan, and I'll be making an afghan for Bro for xmas. Still no word on the supplemental income application, but they normally take a long time. Sigh. Trying not to stress about that. As for meds, 3 Nortriptyline a day don't work for me due to a side effect. Let's just say I would need a lot more fiber in my diet. So I am doing 2. My bff noticed I do seem more "enthused" about things, so that's good. Bro made vanilla almond biscotti. Peanut butter cookies are next on his trials. I'm not complaing, that's sure. Who knew he could bake so well? :)
Been putting this off, lots of dissociation and avoidance. So, my innate levels of curiosity caused an issue. I'm really good at research. I haven't seen the male parental unit since my high school graduation. (I'm in my 50's) That would make him in his 70's these days. I did a web search to see if there was an obituary yet or not. Honestly, I was kinda hoping I'd find one. Nope. However... I found HIM. A not-used-often page on Facebook, with just enough photos to know it's really him. Last entry was Jan. of 2021. Let's just say I'm not surprised at the right wing conservative BS things he's posted. He apparently ended up having 4 kids after I last saw him. I spoke with my therapist about the anger and yes, even some jealousy, about the "happy"pics I saw. I still know I never want to be around or hear from him again, but it was very weird to realize he's still out there. (Supposedly, last post WAS in Jan, so who knows but no obit found.) My T assigned me (If I can do it) to write out what I might say if we did somehow meet up accidentally after all this time. I still haven't written that yet. it's like, there's so much, so where would I even start?
So yeah. Crappy week. Too much to process at once and makes for crappy holiday season.
addendum: Happy tears. bro made peanut butter cookies and they taste just like Mom's. I missed this. (he's chosen, not family by blood, but he met her years ago.)
Not much lately. just staying warm and trying to relax. Grocery pickup tomorrow of Xmas dinner foods and stuff. I'm keeping it simple so I don't stress too much. I've had a food=love mindset most of my life, and part of that is trying not to overdo the meals I cook. Like, no, I only need one potato dish, maybe 2 starches at most... Especially since I'm only feeding bro and BF and myself. BFF works xmas and xmas eve, so I'm waiting to hear what day he can do dinner. Honestly, the holiday itself means nothing to me, so it doesn't matter what day we eat. It's the chosen family camaraderie that's more important. Oh poo, I just realized I have that writing thing for my therapy. Clearly, that's been avoidance. Better do that before tomorrow. Sigh. Just... sigh.
Holiday food acquired, simple menu set. Bro will make those amazing dinner rolls again. My therapist is off for two weeks now. I hope everything goes okay. I finished his afghan and a last-minute present will arrive tomorrow.
I finally got a hold of the scheduler for my Psych, she was able to get me in this Weds, tomorrow. That's a miracle, LOL. We'll see about maybe upping the dose of Nortriptyline, but if we do, I need a thing to counter a specific side effect that's annoying.
A family friend bought us a large cat tree for Xmas (the cats thank him), so bro is clearing out a corner and taking stuff to the garage. he wanted to go through it, but I was all, "If you haven't gone through it in a year, it's nothing you need in the house." LOL
On an unpleasant note, I will be applying for the low income heating assistance program. My blanking heating bill this month was twice what it was last month and it hasn't even been that cold. grrr. I really wish SSI would hurry up and come through. Bro got on food stamps, so that's super helpful. I hate the way the USA treats disabled people.
Urgh, the system in the USA is bizarre. Seriously :thumbdown:
Hope you have a nice Xmas all the same!
So, the Nortriptyline is upped by a tiny bit, but it does mean I can take one larger dose pill instead of 3 little ones a day. I went and got those, but I have a couple days left of the small ones first. I wouldn't say I'm "cheerful" as we up the dose, but it does mean a level kind of baseline that's more positive than before. And she gave me something to counteract a side effect. it's pretty much exactly what I was buying over the counter, just at extremely less cost.
I made sausage and onion breakfast strata today. Bro will do some baking later of things for tomorrow, and I need to sweep. Ugh. I can only do a little at a time due to the fibro. Fortunately, my bff is cool with clutter. "I want to see you, not your house." The biggest thing will be getting all the stuff off the dining table. It's a... repository, lol. Maybe if we get tired, we'll finish up watching Hawkeye and some baking shows.
Dinner was lovely, mainly because the company was chosen family AND the food was good, LOL. The ham gave us a ton of leftover for the freezer, and the sugar-free (splenda) apple crisp was a huge hit. (my bff can't do dairy or sugar) Everything was super yum and it was just a good night.
Bro got an afghan I crocheted and he loved it. (bff doesn't do presents, he has his own christmas trauma issues) He gave me a gift certificate card, which I love, because the shopping is fun and he knows that. So I hit up amazon and am getting a cookbook, a ceramic pie plate, and a new toaster. I'm happy with that. Other than that, we've just been staying warm and safe and rapidly burning through the delicious dinner rolls bro made, LOL. My therapist is on vacation for 2 weeks, so I'm hoping the positive equilibrium hangs around that long.
Well, that was slightly frustrating this morning.
I got a gift card for xmas. Tried to make a purchase last night on Amazon. Email this morning, please fix payment method. Won't fix. chat w/zon agent, card declined. *? call number on gift card.... Apparently, its number was in a list of hacked cards! Now note, its number was hacked, and it had never even been opened. However, they are mailing me a replacement. Good service, but a lesson in patience since mail can take 7-14 days. Guess those fun kitchen things will have to wait.
On a positive note, I did not immediately react with anger and the usual feeling of "they're not going to believe me, they'll think I'm lying to get something." I'll make a note of that to discuss with my T when she gets back.
Hi CactusFlower,
Sorry you're not yet able to make those purchases, but sounds like you handled that situation well, and hopefully you can enjoy the purchases when they are finally able to be made.
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope, I do look forward to that!
So, I realized an issue this morning. To explain the backstory: "Bro" is chosen family. I met him on the internet over 16 years ago as we were both fanfic writers who wrote about Stargate Atlantis. We became huge friends online, ended up meeting in real life, etc., and when I moved here, he moved to live with me. We consider each other siblings. He moved here from a very Southern, very conservative, totally NOT LGBTQIA-friendly state in the US. Where we live now has been a miracle for him, both medically and psychologically. Annnyhoo... His upbringing when it comes to cooking is confusing as * to me. I was raised by a single mom since I was 11, he had a mom and dad with no sibs. I'm very polite in that I don't tell him his mother clearly couldn't cook anything very well from the way he does stuff.
So, I have these utterly excellent non-stick frying pans and have used them for nearly 10 years now. They're Ozeri brand, if you wanna know, and they're so good I rarely need any butter or oil to cook with. Bro seems to think you cannot cook in a frying pan without at least an 1/8 inch of melted butter on such a high heat that it smells burnt by the time he's done. He doesn't understand that not everything, in fact very little, is normally cooked "high temp and fast". So, he tried to make french toast like I do and wanted to know when it stops sticking to the pan. I was frustrated for the billionth time and fail to understand how he makes things stick when I can literally make the same exact thing in front of him and it doesn't stick. I've told him, I've showed him, he doesn't get it.
HOWEVER: Today, I recognized that I have an instinctual response to this and it's not just him. When someone asks me something and my experience is not the "norm" and that person then says it can't be like that or that's not the norm, I get defensive and angry as if I've just been accused of lying. I realized it's a response I've had before to other situations. I've had it when I crochet. I don't hold my yarn like most diagrams/instructions tell you to or like other people do. If I am told I'm doing it "wrong", or that's "not the way it works", I get severely pissed off because that IS my experience and it DOES work for me. (points to innumerable afghans, toys, cardigans, hats, etc. that I've made that are just fine) Now, I'm not talking about something where I actually AM doing it incorrectly, I have no problem with constructive criticism. No, it's where my experience works just fine but doesn't fit what "should be". I'll have to bring this up with my T later.
I hope that made sense.
Hello Sage,
I don't think I've written anything to you for a while, but this post really spoke to me. :yes:
Good on you for noting that your response to Bro is an instinctual response and then sort of teazing that all apart and figuring what's going on so you can bring it up with your T. It can often take me ages to figure that kind of thing out but mostly I sort of have to in order to work on it to heal, for whatever reason deep within me. So to me it sounds as if you've taken a big step by yourself and you are then going to be able to move onto the next step with your T. If that makes sense... Anyway :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
That kind of realisation (first step) often sends me for a loop. I hope that's not so in your case. Just in case, I'm sending support :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thank you, Blueberry!
Yeah, realizing one has a pattern or habit can be very big, but my brain (because patience is a lesson this lifetime, lol) then immediately jumps to "ok, fine, but HOW DO I FIX IT?" ha ha. Not that easy. I think, at least for now, just being able to recognize it is important. I know I've done it in lots of other situations, but I either don't have those situations anymore or the opportunity. (Like, I know I've felt that way at work in the past.) Who knows, maybe 2022 will be the Year of Noticing Patterns/Habits, lol.
Honestly? I hate New Year's Eve. It's an excuse for people to get inebriated and act like idiots. There's literally nothing special about the progress of the calendar. The only good thing about it is the 3-day weekend if your job gives it to you. (example: healthcare and first responders often switch what holidays they have off every other year.)
Even though it was flipping cold and raining last night, there were occasional fireworks from 9pm until about 11:30, then a short lull, then the year was rung in with huge fireworks until about 12:45. Large ones in my neighborhood, and interspersed with what I know is gunfire. (yes, I know the difference.) I had my Loop earplugs in and my teddy bear during that, since I clearly wasn't going to go to sleep. I was also dealing with some dissociation, as the sound brought back a small but vivid memory. Have you ever seen someone fold a leather belt in half, hold each end, then jerk their hands together and apart to get a loud CRACK sound? Male parental unit apparently found it funny to scare me like that. I don't think I actually fell asleep until almost 2am. ugh. and today I have to take the rent over and do a couple other things. I'm tired just thinking about it. Thank goodness for my Instant Pot and effortless food.
Hi Cactusflower,
Sending you a hug, and hope that you get some more peaceful time today - those fireworks and noises sound stressful. Hope you're ok at the moment :hug: Your Instant Pot and effortless food, I like the sound of that. :)
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope. It's a bit better today. My dear BFF took me out for lunch yesterday. My bro finally succeeded at making sugar free lemon cookies, so he made some for BFF while we were out. BFF was thrilled with them. :) Then we were going to replace one of the blinds, but the mounting hardware isn't the same and require 2 holes in the wall, not one. That means the landlord will have to do it, as our walls are cement and we don't have a cement drill bit. Sigh.
Also, I have the giant questionnaire to fill out from Social Security about my disability. I do NOT look forward to this.
Best wishes for completing the form Sage. I wish getting much needed support wasn't so cumbersome.
Your holidays sounded really nice and safe. Your chosen bro is very sweet and I'm glad you had some time with your BFF.
Well, happy news. My BFF is going to sell his small house (he's partially retired) and will make a profit in our market, and he's renting the apartment next to us! (we're in a triplex) So my BFF will be next door! He'll be saving a lot of money and we can spend time together that isn't on zoom. He likes this area better than his own across town anyway. He is one of the two people in my life I trust utterly and completely with everything. I am thrilled!
That is exciting news.
Did not sleep well last night for some reason. Nothing I can consciously remember, but it was hard to get to sleep and I know I woke several times. I hate that, mainly because it makes the pain worse. I also haven't done some writing my therapist suggested. I just keep putting it off or not even thinking about it. It's one of those "What would you say to him if you ever saw him again" exercises? I think my mind doesn't really want to even entertain the concept of being around him again. I also haven't felt too creative lately. bleah.
Hi CactusFlower,
I'm sorry that you had difficulty sleeping last night. I think it really makes things harder when that happens. Sorry that your pain is worse. Hope you get some relief.
That writing exercise sounds hard.
Anyway, just wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
thank you, virtual hugs always accepted. :)
Went over things with my Therapist. She agrees that my avoidance of writing the interaction means my mind isn't ready to work on that just yet. It's been almost a year (like, where has that gone?) in therapy and we kinda took stock. The Nortriptyline does make my baseline mood be a little higher than before. It doesn't prevent the spikes and lows and there are still issues to work on, but my baseline mood is more a middling "meh" than a low "Ugh."
We agreed that since there wasn't any specific memory popping up at this time with my recognizing the pattern of defending against accusations of lying, it most likely was something male parental unit did, but I'm not ready to work on that.
I think I'll make chicken and dumplings today. Comfort food sounds good.
Um... wow. So very happy and grateful. I entered a giveaway at a local grocery store for gift cards, and I just found out that I won! it will be here next Tuesday by Fedex. I wasn't necessarily hurting for food at all, but this will definitely allow me to stock up on some things and fill the freezer. I am kinda blown away, I never expected to win. I gotta do some pantry planning!
Quote from: CactusFlower on January 14, 2022, 04:09:16 AM
Um... wow. So very happy and grateful. I entered a giveaway at a local grocery store for gift cards, and I just found out that I won! it will be here next Tuesday by Fedex. I wasn't necessarily hurting for food at all, but this will definitely allow me to stock up on some things and fill the freezer. I am kinda blown away, I never expected to win. I gotta do some pantry planning!
:cheer: Congratulations!
And another thing to be grateful for - finally got the replacement card for that gift card that didn't work. I looked on Amazon and even with my lists and stuff, again felt overwhelmed. I didn't use to feel that, maybe I should discuss it with T. It's hard to describe. Like, I am excited and happy to have the opportunity to shop for wants rather than needs. I even have wish lists on there of things I saw previously and thought, "Oh, I'd like that." But when given X amount of dollars to spend, I have frozen the last few times and it's taken forever to decide what I want. I look at things on my lists or in browsing and kinda think, "Nah, not that right now, it's gotta be something really good." Almost like I'm qualifying things I sorta liked as not quite good enough to actually have? It's weird. I ended up getting several things with the gift card, but you could kinda classify one as a half-want, half-need. I got a toaster to replace the one that died. But it's a want, because of tea and toast being a comfort thing. I've wanted toast quite a bit with nothing to make it unless I want to use a frying pan. No, LOL. I do think I might have to explore the guilt around this. Part of me is getting extremely tired of having guilt/anxiety issues around money. It's exhausting and stressful, and my Fibro doesn't like that either.
i can relate to feeling guilty or not worthy of 'want' things as compared to 'need' things. i think it takes practice, shouting down the old messages, and just going ahead and getting them anyways. best with this - it can be a difficult one to overcome. love and hugs, cactus flower (some of my fav flowers, actually - so bright and cheery). :hug:
Had a meeting with my med doc today. Continuing with the Nortriptyline, but adding Prazosin to see if it relieves nightmares. Supposedly, it's a blood pressure med (so I'll have to be careful with that) that was shown to actually reduce nightmares in soldiers with PTSD. Fascinating how these things can have affects so different than their original intentions. But hey, I'm willing to try.
Quote from: CactusFlower on January 14, 2022, 04:09:16 AM
Um... wow. So very happy and grateful. I entered a giveaway at a local grocery store for gift cards, and I just found out that I won! it will be here next Tuesday by Fedex. I wasn't necessarily hurting for food at all, but this will definitely allow me to stock up on some things and fill the freezer. I am kinda blown away, I never expected to win. I gotta do some pantry planning!
Yay! :cheer: I'm so happy for you!
Good luck with the new medicine! Rest is so important!
i hope the new medicine is helpful, cactus. sometimes it can make all the difference. love and hugs :hug:
:grouphug: Thanks everyone. Today is picking up the new med and then the first store trip to use some of the gift cards. I'm excited and my freezer is ready! I'll definitely be tired later, but it'll be worth it. Mmmm, conchas y cafecito....
It's true, the trip was exhausting, but we got a really good amount of delicious stuff, and I only spent about $95 this trip. so there will be one or two more trips with the cards, very useful.
Had my first dose of the Prazosin last night. It wasn't a nightmare, but definitely a bizarre dream. I somehow knew the giant snake that was after me in my dream wasn't 'real', and it's totally because I was reading some Harry potter fanfic before bed. But the rest... I was going along crowded city blocks, threading through people and trying to avoid other people. They were dressed normally, but I somehow knew they were some kind of authority that was going to apprehend me. I went to this park that had this large square kind of pond, and I kept stepping in and out of the water around it and hiding behind plants, etc from the people and the snake. Super weird.
The Prazosin is mainly a blood pressure med and the reduction of nightmares is a side benefit, so I have to be careful and monitor my pressure so it doesn't get too low. But when I sat up this morning, there wasn't any dizziness or light-headedness, so that's good. Yes, I'm that person who actually reads the entire printout the pharmacy gives you with your meds. Knowledge is preparedness.
Sage, I appreciate that you read the meditation information and consider the impact something is having on you. I hope that the medication continues to be supportive.
It's too bad the Prazosin takes a week or two to start working, cause last night was a doozy. 2 major nightmares, waking up multiple times with my heart racing and me panting, a meltdown once I got up... Ugh. Everything hurts and I'm utterly exhausted. Bro took good care of me, so I'm grateful for that. I'll definitely have quite a bit to talk to my T about Monday. At the moment, I'm just trying to get past the congestion and slight headache from crying. I was also apologizing during my meltdown, which is another trauma response I need to look at. I'm not sure which bothers me more: the nightmares and meltdown, or the fact that I know what the symbolism in the nightmares mean and I just don't want to deal with it. it's like, "thank you, brain, I knew that. You didn't have to smack me with it." Well, apparently I did need to notice it or that wouldn't have happened. I've gotta write down the details of the dreams so I can talk about it Monday. I might nap later, energy is super low.
What a rough night and morning Sage. I wish you safe rest today and that your brain doesn't dish out more than you are ready for.
Quote from: Armee on January 22, 2022, 06:18:57 PM
What a rough night and morning Sage. I wish you safe rest today and that your brain doesn't dish out more than you are ready for.
:yeahthat:
I'm happy for you that Bro took good care of you.
Thank you all. I did get more rest later and wrote down the dreams so I can discuss them tomorrow with my T. Bro kindly ordered yummy Chinese food for dinner, that was nice. Plus my BFF dropped by since he was bringing a carload of art. (some things he doesn't want the moving service to move). So by the 4th, he'll be next door. We're enjoying seeing each other more often already and have decided Sunday dinners will be a fun thing.
I think the hardest part about yesterday is the allowing myself to be vulnerable and needing help in front of others. I'm always the strong one, the doer, the motivator, etc. To let someone see when I was that upset and needing support was very difficult, but I'm learning. Definitely doing better today, but I'm still gonna take it easy. :grouphug:
Therapy was hard yesterday. I mean, it's rarely easy, but yeah. We talked about mom and I described the day she passed. There were tears. I wasn't expecting it to be quite so difficult so many years later, but I apparently had more grief than I thought to work on. And I still haven't even approached the grief about grandpa. I wasn't really allowed to grieve as a child, now that I can look back on it. (I was 7 when my grandpa died.) I'll have to work on that eventually. I think I was expected to be detached or at least, less affected as a kid.
On a positive note, my T seemed very impressed that I had allowed myself to ask for help during my short meltdown, to actually say "No" when asked if I was okay. That was a big step because it also involved a lot of trust. I did have a small nightmare last night I woke up from, but I can't remember now what it was about. Come on, Prazosin. Start working, lol.
And another windstorm night, ugh. I tried putting in my special earplugs. While they do stay in as advertised when you sleep, I had to take them out after several hours because my ears weren't used to having them in that long. Another nightmare too, but a really weird one. Think Game of Thrones meets... Logan's Run? Bizarro.
Several good days since the windstorm. It's been wonderful, having my BFF moving next door. He will be totally moved by the 4th and then just needs to finish up selling his house. We love hanging out together more often. I haven't had any more nightmares the past few days, but the dreams have been... weird. Last night, it was about helping a neighbor open his own hardware store and offering to create a new logo. Like... Why? That's totally off the wall for me.
Woke up with a very unpleasant headache today, too. However, I realized I had no tea yesterday afternoon, so it was likely a caffeine withdrawal. Fixed myself a cafecito and yup, the headache went away. I try to find the little things in my life to be grateful for sometimes. Like, the fact that I can make myself a cafecito when I want, or that I have several pens in a favorite color, or that I have a safety handle on the tub for balance, etc. Just little things. Right now, it's the cafecito and seeing my sweet kittycat asleep on my ultra soft blanket hoodie. There are still things to make me smile. They don't have to be big things. ;D
I'm really excited for you that your BF is moving in next to you and bro-by-choice. So much support for each other. That's awesome.
So glad your nightmares are lessening.
More strange dreams. Not bad, just not my normal style. Last night's was about offices and talking to people there. Like, they're weird to me because they're boringly normal? I even actually recall thinking during the dream, "this is so stupid." lol I know it's not the Prazosin, that takes a couple weeks to take effect. I looked up how it works, since it's primarily for high blood pressure, and a few studies show it blocks the norepinephrine receptors in your brain. I.e., you don't upload stress chemicals. Clearly, it would affect you like that all the time, not just at night, so I'm wondering if it will reduce anxiety a little during the day.
Bro made focaccia yesterday. Oh my word, that was amazingly delicious. garlic, rosemary, thyme and olive oil... Just wonderful. I think apple scones are next on his list. :) It smelled sooooo good in the house while he was baking it. Cooking and baking smells in a warm house equal care and comfort for me.
I kinda want to make art as a housewarming gift for my BFF, but I'm not sure what subject. Maybe I'll look through my previous drawings and paintings to see if I get inspired. He does still have my photo of icelandic poppies framed somewhere. Sometimes, I miss my photography phase, but I just don't have the energy and ability to get out and about to do that. Yeah, I'm gonna dig through my drawings. That sounds fun. Therapy later today.
Lol about your dream! I feel that way a lot in waking life, too.
Bro sounds like such an amazing baker! And now I want to try making foccaccia so I can have that smell in my house. Mmm.
Another strange dream last night. (my therapist and I laughed yesterday about the dreams being boringly normal) I was working somewhere and was thrilled that the workplace was so diverse and had people speaking several different languages. I was working with some kind of party vendor who was speaking Russian. (I know only a couple phrases) It was funny, but odd.
The focaccia takes a day and a half because the second rise is overnight in the fridge, but so worth it. it makes about a sheet pan worth.
I feel like I want to write something creative, but I don't know what. I don't know if the creative urge is just springtime antsy-ness or getting my groove back. I could finish off my last crochet cardigan, but I haven't been in the mood to for some reason. Just... antsy.
Yesterday was Bro's turn to have a bad no spoons day. Changes in his routine can spark issues, but I totally get it. His class was cancelled as most of the city is incapable of dealing with 2-3 inches of snow, despite getting it a couple times every year. Now, it's just cold. But at least it's all melted and in a few hours, BFF will be moved in! We're buying him lunch today so it's at least one meal he doesn't have to think about. So excited for that! Otherwise, just hanging out and keeping warm.
BFF is all moved in and we all went to a nice dinner last night. Loads of fun and good company.
On a less positive note, another weirdo nightmare last night. Let's just say I finally woke up when the bad guy threatened my cat in the dream. I'm thinking there's something to work on there, that a lot of my nightmares feel like a part of me is trying to protect another part from being hurt. I haven't had a conscious memory yet to encompass that, so we'll see. Maybe I can do somewriting, see if the inner child has anything to say.
Hi Cactusflower,
Sorry that your dreams have been somewhat distressing lately but it's great that you have your support system to talk to :cheer: This is just my two bits but I got a Matrix vibe from your dreams, that part of you is maybe going through the motions when there is something else going on under the surface. Or perhaps it's getting ready for a "more routine" dreamtime once the meds kick in. Just what stuck out but I haven't caught up on the rest of your journal.
Love all the yummy food you're eating :)
dolly I
I think you're right, Dolly, that something is brewing and will pop up once it's ready to. The anticipation is unpleasant, unfortunately.
And speaking of anticipation... So, tomorrow afternoon is the follow-up mammogram. How has it been 6 months already? The facility was very very nice about my anxiety last time around medical stuff in general. But that has been ramping up again and part of me has avoided thinking about the appointment as much as possible. At least it's in the afternoon, so I'll have the energy and time for a shower in the morning. It's not like normal doc visits where I am on a more even playing field, know the terminology and my rights, and know what I'm there for. This is more like... I dunno. Some big authority figure that can rewards and punishments? My conscious mind knows that's ridiculous and this has nothing to do with behavior, but my palms sweat and my stomach ties in knots just thinking about it. Part of my mind is also thinking stuff like, "Will they remember to read the note about my anxiety? Will they be kind again or was that a fluke?" Even just writing about it now is making my mind go "Nope, nope". UGH.
The mammogram went really well. Nothing changed, so there'll be another follow-up in 6 months, then they can start spacing it out by years. They were very calm and nice and I had a fidget toy with me, which helped. It also went faster since it was just one side pics, no ultrasound, so I didn't have to sit there for long. Still, the anxiety ramping up to it was exhausting. Bro had to stop at the store to pick up something from the pharmacy, so I "treated myself" a little for the visit. Yummy big croissants for breakfast, and a little thing of vanilla ice cream to go with the brownies Bro made. A couple of necessary items, but those are no big deal. I'm pretty much just relaxing and recuperating today as the stress and all always makes the pain worse. Today is just blankets, hot tea, and kitty cats.
Hi Cactusflower,
I'm glad that it went ok, and that you coped with it all. Your croissants sound yummy, and vanilla ice-cream with brownies that your Bro made, they sound really good. Hope you enjoy relaxing and recuperating - with the blankets, hot tea and kitty cats.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thanks, Hope! My BFF came over and we watched Encanto, so that was cool. :)
I had an interesting email this morning. It was one I'd typed a year ago using the "Future me" site. You get to write a letter to yourself and it'll send it in the future. I had noted that I'd just quit my job and was starting therapy, still loved the town I live in, and had hope things would be better eventually. It does give me a positive boost to read it. I wouldn't say I'm in a better position than this time last year, but it is still progress. There's still so much to work on, but I can at least say I *have* been working on stuff. Also doesn't feel like it's been a whole year of therapy already.
Hi CactusFlower
Thanks for sharing about your special email
I love this idea... I have never considered writing to future me... I can imagine that's tricky to do... I am really glad it gave you a positive boost and you found you have made progress! Congratulations :) Hope you have a wonderful day
Although I'm having dinner at the BFF's tonight, I'm trying to take it easy today. Today is Mom's birthday. She would have been 74 this year. I'm working on grief with my T and it's slow going. I had to do all the work and arranging when Mom passed, being an only kid, and having a worthless partner at the time. Although I grieved, I think I convinced myself I was "over it" too fast. I'm not. Therapy has definitely been a way to better appreciate the good parent while realizing they were only human and probably being abused themselves. While a part of me is kinda glad she's not here to know the things he did when she wasn't there, another part of me knows she would be proud of my being able to finally do the work on this. But a third part (I got a lot of those) just wants a blankie and my mommy. So today will be gentle. I've had tea and toast for breakfast. Bro made his amazing dinner rolls for tonight, so I'll have good bread and a good dinner. My therapist suggested maybe trying some art, since mom and I shared creativity. I might, we'll see. Happy birthday, Mom. Here's some virtual fuzzy socks, seafood, and upside down pineapple cake. I would buy you all the amethysts in the world if I could.
gentle hugs filled with care during this time, sage/CF (i don't know what to call you! do you have a preference? maybe someone else has already asked this, but if so, i missed it.) :hug:
Thank you, San! and either is fine, name-wise. :)
Aw Sage, your birthday wishes for your mom just broke my heart (in a good way). Take all the time in the world you need to grieve and take all the love your brother and BFF have to offer you.
Thank you, Armee. Last was just the kind of night mom would have liked. Good food, fun company, and board games until almost 9pm. LOL My BFF knew my mom before she passed. (Our moms met once. Those two would have been trouble if they'd know each other more! ha ha) Actually, our moms passed in the same year. So we understand each other very well about stuff like this. But yeah. Even though sitting on his dining room chairs for a few hours was a bit painful, it was totally worth it. I won at dominos three times! Since he lives next door now, we'll be instituting Sunday dinners as our own tradition, since our families never really had that. I told him how much I really appreciate someone who also enjoys board games. My ex never liked them, and I really missed having someone to play with. BFF has one whole cabinet in his living room with games. Therapy today, and we'll be talking about all this. I'm gonna go choose some pics I have of her to share.
love me some fun board games, CF. so glad you got to do that, and hopefully it'll be on the table (LOL) more regularly in the future. love and a hug full of enjoy! :hug:
That sounds so fun and I'm glad you plan to have more get togethers. I hope it is an opportunity to carry on a tradition while making it your own.
I am typing this on my phone, which is very inconvenient and difficult. My browser still insists this sites certificate is expired and won't even go to it. I downloaded a different browser, but same thing. I'm very frustrated and can't figure out how to fix it. Not even putting it as an exception in my antivirus works.
that sucks, CF. i hope it rectifies itself soon. i also found it very frustrating. love and hugs :hug:
Sage, when technology doesn't work as expected it can be so frustrating. I hope you find a resolution.
Apparently, it's something to do with the cache on my PC, although I've tried cleaning it. At least I get to it here on my laptop, albeit awkwardly. I like the forum, but it's too much to read and type only on a small phone. I didn't realize how important it really is to me until I couldn't get to it. I value the connections here. I'll interact as best I can until it's fixed, but laptop keyboards make my hands ache after a few minutes. (I have an ergonomic keyboard on my PC.) Peace, everyone.
I am glad you are finding a way to access. I've always used on my phone and it is difficult to interact with. I appreciate you and value being in community with you.
Now my laptop won't go to this site at all. I may not be posting quite as often, as this is hard to parse through on a cell phone. I even uninstalled the antivirus so it's just windows. No luck. Wow, typing this is taking forever. I will still be here, but we'll see how often i can deal with posting. Dealing with the frustration in therapy later today.
I had a lot of accessing recently and I was amazed at how much it stressed me out. I ended up having luck by downloading a browser called Brave. I hope you find a consistent solution.
It's such a pain on a phone. That's how I always access the site since I share a computer with my kids a it's really difficult.
I hope therapy was helpful today.
I'M BACK!!! Whatever godaddy did with the site must have worked. Oh, it's so very nice to be back with you all on an easily-accessible machine. I didn't realize how much I valued this site and you all until I couldn't get to it. I looked forward to being able to connect with the users on here and writing my stuff as well. Group hug if you want it!
What else has been happening? Gosh. I helped my BFF furniture shop and he saved about $2000 by buying local instead of off the net. He's currently in the hospital and we're just waiting for him to get home. (He has some recurring issues, but should be fine) Bro's birthday is Saturday and he wants to go to the Botanic Gardens. That should be lovely, and there will be plenty of benches for me to rest on and take it slow, even inside. I don't think BFF will be home in time for our planned dinner, or at least he won't feel up to it, but that's ok. I can take bro out to a nice lunch if need be.
Continuing the meds as they are currently, no change this month. I swear, the Prazosin might cut down nightmares, but the regular dreams are just bizarre, not topics I normally dream about. last night, I dreamed I was trying to deliver a document to some politician's office and was getting lost in this big semi-circle shaped building. But everyone was really nice about it, and there was a group of guys in prep school-like blazers on the lawn playing bocce ball. Some gal thanked me for working on education legislation and she was going to become a doctor. I woke up going, "what the bleep was that?" Very weird. The weather is turning. We actually saw a couple 70-degreeF days this past week, lovely.
I went and got taxes done and over with. I will be getting back a nice amount, thank the universe, about 2 months worth of bills and rent, so that helps a lot. I also think I might have to go to the doctor. For some reason, the past few months, my heartburn has gotten worse. Used to be I couldn't eat anything acidic or drink colas after 6pm. But last week alone, Normal stuff for lunch has me burping hours later. Yuck. I love food, so this bothers me. But if I keep feeling like this over random stuff like peanut butter on toast, something has to be done.
But today, I'm just going to enjoy the good feelings of being able to be here again. *waves
I am glad you are back too. I hope you get to the bottom of the heartburn - that is uncomfortable on top of everything else.
Hooo, eventful afternoon. I got a call from social security, they want me to see their medical and mental docs for exams. That's a stressor. I don't know when, the appt is done by a different team and will come in the mail. Hopefully it's not too far away. But I'm definitely worried about that. But I suppose it's a step forward. BFF should be discharged in the morning, so we'll go get him and do the botanic gardens Sunday instead. Bro still bakes, so I got him some new pans for his birthday. I also got an appointment with my doc about the heartburn, a telemed visit this coming tuesday. We'll see how that goes.
hey, CF, good luck with the soc. sec. folks. their wheels turn slowly most of the time. i hope you get answers quickly and efficiently.
i'm with you on being able to be back here. the absence reiterated to me how valuable this place is to me, and how wonderful the people here truly are. so glad you made it back, too. good luck with everything going on in your life. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, San!
Today is pretty nice. I'm physically exhausted and hurting, but it's because we went to the Botanic Gardens as the birthday present for my bro. Not a lot flowering this time of year, but it was still lovely and so very refreshing. Just a nice nature recharge. later this evening, we'll see the BFF next door for some yummy pot roast. He's home from the hospital and seriously happy to have home-cooked food. He's fine. Oops, I forgot. I gotta go make garlic butter for the bread, LOL. Looking forward to that, even if I'll be totally out of spoons tomorrow.
Hi Sage,
I'm glad you're able to get back here ok again. I also struggled for a while, and was glad that Kizzie was able to sort it out.
I'm glad you enjoyed your visit to the Botanic gardens, and the pot roast sounds yummy. Hope your brother enjoyed his Birthday.
Hope :)
Two main feelings from the other day:
1- I love where I live, but this entire state has a huge complicated problem when it comes to the medical field. Most of the issue is communication, but some of it (i think) is extremely poor time management. My doc had a 2 HOUR window in which to call me yesterday, and she still ended up calling me about 4 minutes after that window ended. I honestly fail to see how if you're just on the phone that day and working from home (as the office mentioned), that you could end up 2 hours late before lunch. I was glad to talk to her, but very very frustrated at the system in general. I've lived lots of places and have never seen such access issues when it comes to medical care.
2- A bit of sadness. So the outcome is that I'll try taking Omeprazole (generic nexium) for 6 weeks and avoid acidic stuff as much as possible to give the GI system time to heal. If I still have the acid reflux by then, we'll try a test or two. My sadness is because.... Well, lemme explain. I don't like pills. I hate taking lots of medication. It makes me feel like I failed at being healthy. I also don't like how dependent it makes me feel, to have to take these things. With this new problem, I'm now taking 4 pills a day. I know that's not a lot, really, but I've never had that many at once. Maybe I'll discuss this with my therapist next week. I also dread the concept of not being able to eat things I like. I don't want to be someone who takes a lot of pills and can only eat boring flavorless crud the rest of their life. I'm trying not to let this fear depress me.
So... yeah. Although I'm still making the creamy garlic chicken this Sunday for dinner with the BFF. I've already planned and bought for it.
i get it, CF, about the pills. i've been there - never a pill person - until i began getting too sick to manage on my own. over the years i've had to get used to it cuz my 'stuff' wasn't going away on its own. i do hope you don't end up in that place. could it be stress that's brought this on? if so, hopefully when you're more able to settle the symptoms will resolve themselves. best to you with this.
long ago i complained to a friend about this same thing, and she told me 'be one with your medicine.' needless to say, it didn't help. i had to get to a place of simple acceptance about it, but it took me a long time. now, i just wish i didn't have to be so dependent on my meds, but they do help me get thru the day and night much better than i was doing without them. i hope your symptoms leave you alone sooner rather than later. love and hugs :hug:
I'm sorry about the pills, Sage, and have the same feelings about them. For myself, mostly, not other people. It's encouraging that the Dr is talking about healing the GI system cause to me that sounds like a short term thing, like taking a course of antibiotics in a way.
Yeah, I'm definitely hoping this does the trick.
On a positive note, I got my letter from SSA already about the disability medical appointment. I am grateful mainly because it's A - in just under a month, and B - is with a female nurse practitioner. So at least I don't have that anxiety about a male doc. It was only the medical one, so I guess I'll get a separate letter about the mental evaluation.
Hi Cactusflower,
I'm sorry you had to wait for your doc the other day. It's frustrating to not feel seen or heard when we are anxious about what might be going on with us. I really relate to what you said about feeling like somehow you failed at your health, that what's going on has to do with you. I know I was told for ages that my weight had to do with what I was eating (that old falsehood that a calorie in is a calorie out), or because they couldn't see anything on my test results there was nothing wrong. So, it must be psychological etc.
I'm big on gut health and it's connection to how we feel. I've posted in another thread on the forum under health I think. I have to say that being gluten free for me wayyyy outweighs the how I feel after I eat it. It takes some adjustment but there is lots of good food you can eat!
That's great about the female doc, hope it goes well.
dolly
Feelings of sadness today. I dreamed about going shopping/hanging out with mom for a while I woke up not wanting to wake up so I could see her for a little longer. Also, Emilio Delgado, who portrayed Luis on Sesame Street for over 40 years, passed away. Sesame Street was an integral part of my childhood, having grown up before computers and overseas as a military dependent. In South Korea back then, it and Star Trek (the original) were the only shows in English I could access. That show taught me words, math, singing, words in other languages, and how to be a good/kind/cooperative person. It's bad enough Jim Henson died on my 20th birthday. But to lose a character from this show (even though he did a LOT more than this) is like losing a distant but beloved family member. Sesame Street also gave examples of loving, happy, healthy families. Even if they had disagreements, they dealt with it maturely and still loved.
That combined with the dreams, and I'm feeling grief today. Not overwhelmingly, but still grief. It also kinda makes me wonder if my mind is gearing up to adequately process some other things I haven't grieved.
I'm here with you, as you work through the sadness and grief today for both the absence of your mom and the death of Emilio Delgado.
Did you read the book Crying in H Mart? I've been trying to read it for about 6 months now, lol.
I appreciate you sharing about your grief which is layered and complex.
Thank you both! Armee, I haven't heard of that book. I'll go look it up. Thank you.
Actually a good day today. Bro using up more of his EBT benefit, so we went and stocked up from the international grocery store. (we both love a lot of Asian foods) I love cooking with Chinese black vinegar and having frozen potstickers and pork buns. I also got the paperwork for my mental eval for SSI, and it's April 8th. So I'll be done with all the eval stuff in about a month. I'm incredibly glad that they're at least happening soon. The mental one is secure phone stuff, not in person, so that's even better.
Fingers super crossed for the evals!
:yeahthat: i hope you get what you need sooner rather than later, CF. love and hugs, :hug:
I'll be talking to my T today about all the evals. Last night was lovely. We stuffed ourselves on potstickers and green onion pancakes and sticky rice. It was so good! For movies, we watched Red Panda on Disney. It's utterly adorable. Not for those who may have big issues with the awkward moments of puberty, but a sweet movie nonetheless. Then we watched Priest on TubiTV. I find it amusing Paul Bettany has played a priest AND the angel Gabriel in movies. A little messy, but not gross and a fascinating treatment of the whole vampire genre. So the evening was good food, good fun, and great company with my BFF. Ah, and bro baked apple cinnamon scones, which I've already scarfed a couple for breakfast. Nice to have a few good days for a change.
The apple cinnamon scones sound lovely. I'll keep Red Panda in mind when I'm looking for something to watch.
I'm going to talk to the doc next check-in about the Prazosin. The nightmares have reduce, this is true. But my regular dreams are just so vivid and bizarre compared to normal. Two examples: A - was in a huge library and one worker challenged me, thinking I couldn't find any info on a local dude. I knew the history/genealogy/local records ones would help me. I asked and they found local town records proving this guy existed, was a fire chief, and won a citizen's award. I took my info back to the guy and gloated. B - I was browsing a Store kinda like Spencer's but big and better lit. They'd moved some stock around and put all adult items in a connected room in the back. I checked for cameras and then shoplifted a certain adult item. I even woke up going "What the H was that?" Just bizarre. I'd like to go back the the sci-fi and fantasy genre, please.
hey, CF, nice job on being mindful about how your meds are treating you. so important to stay on top of that stuff. so glad you had a few nice days in there. yay for that! all in all, sounds like you're doing everything you need. well done :thumbup: love and hugs :hug:
Another really odd dream. This one was a little unpleasant, but I recognize some stuff it's trying to say now that I'm awake.
in the first part, I'm trying to get downtown somewhere, and mom is with me at the bus stop early in the morning to go somewhere as well. There's a lot of traffic, and other bus stops close by as this one is on a corner. A bus lets off at the corner perpendicular to us, I know the driver, and go over to chat. When I look back, Mom is gone. I get very upset because I somehow know she's gotten on the bus and left, and she has my purse and phone. All I have is some change and my keys. Then I sorta/not quite woke up for a moment with a big headache. I turned over and made myself go back to sleep. (not congested, had caffeine, no reason for the headache)
In the second half, I'm walking around the main downtown strip of a small town. Somehow, I know I'm investigating disappearances with my partner, who turns out to Benedict Cumberbatch. (don't laugh, what I read and watch influences my dreams sometimes. Too bad this dream wasn't a hot one.) We're just talking to people on the street, seeing the layout of the side streets and shops, but not finding much in the way of clues to someone's disappearance. Then I woke up.
You know how locations in dreams can be familiar and even repetitive, but not real places? I think I know what place this town is signifying, which means the consistent themes of searching and loss fit in. I'll bring it up with my T Monday. I really think it's building me up to dealing with some losses. Sigh. At least I've got dinner with the BFF tomorrow. I'm making creamy garlic chicken.
Pretty good weekend, all round. Lovely dinner Saturday, BFF made honey-glazed carrots to go with the garlic chicken, and Bro made his dinner rolls. YUM. We played a new game I got free at the local "little library" on the corner. BuzzWord. It's made for teams, but we figured out how to adapt it to 3 people. Then Sunday, I saw someone offering tabletop games on the Buy Nothing Facebook group, so I asked and got those! (thank you, universe) We went and got them, and I was surprised by how BIG the boxes are! One is movie trivia, called Scene It, then the others are Trivial Pursuit 20th Anniversary, 80's edition (I expect to ace this one), and 90's edition. I so look forward to playing these. Then Sunday afternoon, BFF too me to a cute little play in a tiny local theater. It had some good funny moments, a few slow parts, but was overall a decent time. The chairs were kinda like dining chairs though, so I was really hurting by the end of it. But a cute trip, regardless. I had to laugh a little because I love historic costuming and accuracy. The play was set in the Old West in 1875, and one character had part of her Victorian skirt on backwards. It was still pretty, though. I do like supporting local business and talent.
:hug:
I love how fulfilling things feel with your bro and BFF right there with you. You have a lovely made family.
HUGS back at ya'll! :) Yeah, that's what I'm most grateful for, my chosen family. They really have been lifesavers.
Had another nightmare last night. Ironically, right after the day I talked to my meds Doc and we'll be continuing what I do now and check back in 2 months. That's two now where I've woken up utterly terrified, heart racing, panting, the whole 9 years. In each, there's a theme of an older brother who is protective. (I have no siblings physically.) I'll be exploring this as mentioned over in the Inner Child Work posts.
CF, so sorry about the nightmares. they can surely knock one's socks off. hoping you can find some resolution to relax your subconscious so you don't have to continue experiencing these. love and hugs :hug:
Just dealing with my anxiety this morning. I have the x-ray appointment, so I'll leave in about an hour or so. Also, the cat yarked at 5:15am, so I had to get up and deal with that. I'm already exhausted. I might even nap when I get back. Ugh. Just not a pleasant day already.
standing beside you, CF, as you get thru this day. love and hugs :hug:
:hug: Thank you, San. Fortunately, it was as I expected and was pretty quick. I'll be a bit more achy the rest of the day due to the precise positioning I had to get into, but I don't have anything else planned. (Knee xrays) The tech was very nice and it didn't take long at all, so there's that. I also got access to the patient portal, so I can get the results when they're done. I like that, as I can then get the results to my regular docs. I don't actually expect an xray will show anything, but they want them cause I said my knees always hurt a lot. Years ago, when I had surgery for a torn meniscus (the little cartilage disk between your leg bones at the knee), it took an MRI to show because it wasn't bone injury. (shrug) But you never know. At least that one is over with. Next comes the general medical eval on the 5th.
Are you feeling recovered from the nightmare? Those can really leave me feeling shaky for a few days. It's really disappointing that the medication instead of helping seems to make them worse? Ugh. At least the bizarre dreams maybe are your mind's way of processing pieces of things in a less distressing way.
I'm recovered from that one, yes, thank you. It actually is helping in that the number and frequency of nightmares is decreased. it's just it seems to make the "normal" dreams more vivid? It's hard to describe. And yeah, depending on content, they can totally discombobulate me for a day or so. I do think with some obvious themes lately, it's kind of like my mind getting me "ready" to deal with/work on something.
Quote from: CactusFlower on March 25, 2022, 09:28:54 PM
I do think with some obvious themes lately, it's kind of like my mind getting me "ready" to deal with/work on something.
I experience this with my dreams also - our bodies and minds don't seem to quit in letting us know something needs attention.
That's a relief it is helping. A gentle easing into facing things.
It is, I agree. Although they're issues of loss and grief I knew I needed to work on, they're big enough that I couldn't bring myself to deal with them on a conscious level. I've also, in my work on other stuff, realized how I wasn't allowed to grieve at the time, so I blocked a lot out. And that kinda brings up anger as well, that I had to deal with it like that. Lost or hidden memories are a mess sometimes. I have a feeling that's why the Inner Child stuff I have right now came up as well, because this one was a protector.
i've heard that about dreams as well, CF - the subconscious beginning to bring to light what the conscious hasn't been able to handle. i'm glad you're getting a peek at them in a careful way, even if they're disturbing your nights and days. i think you're doing a great job. love and hugs :hug:
Earlier this week, talked with my T about this new inner child. She noted that generally, the goal of parts/ICs is integration, because they are all really you. I knew this, and we chatted about how this his how my subconscious froze a moment in time as a way to protect me. I also said that my goal in talking with the inner children was to learn to love and trust those parts of myself again AND to find out why they were created. What was the event that caused it, the thing I need to work through.
We talked about fears and more about the boy IC. I could put this over in the Inner Child area on my post, but I see that as discussing method more than results currently. The boy... wow. Some of his answers to questions made me very sad. To have an inner child tell you he protects the younger inner child by making them "go away and go to sleep" so he can be the one hurt instead... Wow. And he didn't want to discuss it much, but that parts holds some serious rage against my abuser, as well as the feeling of helplessness. There's a lot to work through with this one. I never try to rush things, though. I have to let that part of myself learn to love and trust me in return. (and wow is it odd sometimes to learn to trust yourself.) That all takes time.
I am feeling how much this is to uncover.
It makes me feel relief, Sage, to know that you have this part that holds rage toward your abuser. Rage is appropriate but hard to feel. Maybe it felt useless then, but I bet it will be very helpful in healing now to feel the rage toward the person who deserves the rage, when it is time.
And it IS sad, to have to have a part that puts the others to sleep so only he feels the abuse. There's a lot of weight there for him and for you as a whole. Gentle hugs, Sage.
Thank you, rainy and armee. It is a lot at times. I've always been, shall we say, exceptionally good at compartmentalizing and suppressing my anger. I'm realizing that I wasn't allowed to be angry as a child, as it was seen as rebellion and individuality, which were not tolerated. I also don't think I felt safe enough to express it back then. I used to think of it as being proud of my self-control, but refusing to feel/deal with it isn't the same as controlling it appropriately. I think a part of me might also be scared of just how much... strength? power? there might be behind that rage. Definitely a topic for my T and I to talk about.
Quote from: CactusFlower on March 31, 2022, 04:00:04 PM
I'm realizing that I wasn't allowed to be angry as a child, as it was seen as rebellion and individuality, which were not tolerated. I also don't think I felt safe enough to express it back then.
Hi CactusFlower.. thankyou for sharing this... this really hits home for me too.
I also worry about what might be behind my rage...
Mostly though I thank you for your courage and offer a gentle hug if you'd like :hug:
hey, CF, i have thought at times that my anger is what gives me strength to do what i need to do, even if it's new (like standing up for myself) or frightening. like an extra ooomph! to get past the fear. like you, my anger wasn't allowed, either, and it can be scary to let it out. i agree with you on the safety issue, too. not safe to be angry cuz something bad would come of it. slowly, we're learning, and that's progress, right? love and hugs :hug:
:hug: Thank you, Phil and San.
I have used my anger in the past to get things done. I actually went through the US Army basic training on anger. (washed out later, couldn't run fast enough) Being very angry at being told I couldn't do something fueled me to get over a 40-foot rope wall ( looooong time ago). I think that's why it has always worried me, that my strength of anger could be strong enough to actually hurt someone. (I'm pretty short and not physically strong in real life) Now that I think about it, I can see how I would let it out rarely in passive-aggressive ways, which didn't really help release it healthily.
Long post this morning, so I'll break it up into topics, LOL
Dinner tonight with the BFF. I had to laugh yesterday. He doesn't do sugar or dairy for medical reasons. I was all happy about making a pie with sugar free cook whip and sugar free Jello.... Until I realized I'd bought a Jello pudding mix. Which takes milk to make. D'OH! Well, bro and I have a delicious pie, and he'll be going out this morning to get actual jello to make for the dinner. For those here not in the USA, Jell-o is the brand that produces gelatin powders for dessert, fruit flavored, and pudding mixes. The gelatin, obviously, is made with water. I had a lapse in thinking, lol. At least I have plenty of time to make the gelatin one.
A friend posted the definition of Anomic Aphasia. It's a mild form of aphasia where the person can speak grammatically correctly and fluidly, but has trouble accessing/connecting some words, especially nouns, but they can describe the item. My Fibromyalgia "brain fog" can do this, I just didn't know there was a name for it. For example, I might be in the kitchen and go, "Hand me that thing." "what thing?" "That thing in front of me." "Which thing?" "The glass thingy with the handle and red marks on it." "Oh, the measuring cup?" "YES! THAT THING! THE MEASURING CUP!"
It's so incredibly frustrating to know you know the word for something, especially something you're looking at, and not be able to make it come out. I personally sometimes get very angry at myself when it happens. (It's not all the time, but is worse if super tired or hurting) All my life, I've loved writing. All kinds of stories, and I have a small published book of poetry. To be a wordsmith and occasionally not be able to name the thing I'm pointing at is just so..... ARGH. Yeah. I guess at least there's a name for it.
On a side note, the medical evaluation for Social Security is Tuesday. Anxiety over that is ramping up. I have a female provider, at least, but I have no idea what to expect or what might be done. I have to take all my meds to show them. I'm definitely going to need my fidget toy.
i've gotten stuck in that 'not the right word' zone, too (you're not alone - being an author myself, i get your frustration!) and i'll often make up a word just to get something out! arrgh! is a good descriptor of all of it, CF. love and hugs :hug:
That evaluation would have me so anxious, too CF!!!
I find it difficult to not be able to find the "right" word also. Sometimes I feel how wild it is that we have this flimsy, imprecise tool called language to try to describe our experiences. Best wishes as you prepare for and attend the evaluation.
San, Armee, Rainy, thank you. It's so nice to be understood.
My BFF is going with me to the eval. He's like a second brain for me sometimes, especially because I sometimes go quiet and just agree with everything with people in authority. (Fawn/Freeze, you know how it is) It does help a lot, but so much rides on this. I think some of the hard part is the separation of physical and mental, and I'm hoping they understand I can't separate that in my body. Stress, nightmares, etc, make the pain and exhaustion of Fibromyalgia worse. here's hoping they understand how I explain things.
best of luck with the eval, CF. i sure hope it goes smoothly and they see the disability on all its levels. love and hugs :hug:
I hope it goes well. :hug:
Thank you all. It's Tuesday, so I'll be able to see my T tomorrow for our usual session before that. BFF helped me go over what I NEED to say. He joked around and said he's my Emotional Support Human, ha ha.
Your emotional support human is amazing and I'm glad he'll be there to say what needs to be said if you freeze or fawn.
Hi Cactusflower,
Hope the evaulation went well. Doctors can be tough and unfortunately don't always see that the physical and mental are connected and it's not always in your head or in your body. It's great that you have someone to help you through with that.
dolly
hi CactusFlower
hope you have a great session today and best wishes for tomorrow :)
How wonderful to have an emotional support human. Sending lots of love and support. :hug:
i love that you have an emotional support human! it's a wonderful thing to be able to feel like someone has your back. what a wonderful BFF. hope it goes well. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you for your good wishes, Armee, Dolly, Phil, and San. I will tell the BFF to remind me I have so many kind people cheering for me. :) I definitely have a lot to cover today in therapy between this and the inner child stuff that has been going on.
I did end up buying a small toy plane for the inner child. He loves it. Part of the years I'm working on were years as a military dependent in Asian countries, and some in Okinawa, Japan. On researching what toy plane to get, I found that the SR-71 (aka Blackbird) was mainly based out of the air force base there. That explains why I was remembering them so well. Point of trivia, the SR-71 was also known in Okinawa as the "Habu" because the locals thought the shape reminded them of a deadly pit viper indigenous to the island. I remember hearing a lot about this plane, so I can see why my IC really likes this toy.
I was thinking the other day about possible other reasons this IC is a boy, and the plane stuff brought up a memory of one of the male parental unit's co-workers talking to him. The person had asked me what I want to be when I grew up and I said, "I dunno, maybe a fighter pilot". They then looked at him and said something to the effect of "too bad she wears glasses and is a girl, huh?" True or not, it left me with the impression that fighter jet pilots had to have 20/20 vision (I've worn glasses since I was 6) and not be female. Consider, this was 1979, but that casual comment made an impression. I remember being angry at the unfairness. That probably was around the time (and reason) I stopped being interested in planes. Which was a shame, because I loved the airshows and the military exhibition jets, the Thunderbirds.
When I moved to where I currently am a few years ago, there was a kind of airshow. There's an Air Force base right in town, and the Thunderbirds were here to do their show. Bro and I found a frontage road near the airport and watched it there, along with about 15 or so other cars of people. I allowed myself to be awed again like a kid and took pictures and everything. My IC is pleased just remembering it right now. Maybe I'll distract myself this afternoon with some airshow videos on youtube if I stress a lot.
I hope your evaluation goes well. I'm glad that your "emotional support human" ;D will be there with you.
I glad that your IC likes the toy plane!
Thinking of you today and knowing this is so hard!
Well, that's over with. It was... interesting. Honestly, it barely took 20 minutes. She was nice, my anxiety was obvious and proven with my blood pressure and pulse rate being pretty high. She asked some questions about family history, why my condition would keep me from working, then did some strength/flex tests like "press outward on my hands, now down," "what do you use the cane for" and "can you touch your toes/squat/what hurts". It felt strange that she didn't ask more questions, but BFF seems to think it was a good eval. I did get in how the mental affects the physical, so that helps. BFF took me out to lunch after and I'm home now. Totally wiped out and I'm gonna go rest. Now I just have the mental eval Friday morning. Here's fingers crossed hoping their results go through quickly.
Thank you for all your support, it means a lot to me. Hugs back!
so glad you made it thru part 1, CF. on to round 2. i'm really happy it didn't take very long, also. and thanks for mentioning your rise in BP due to your anxiety - i never thought of that for myself, but it makes sense that my BP has risen over the years. i thought it was just my weight, but what you said sounds on the money. love and hugs, and good luck on fri. :hug:
The person who'll be doing my mental eval called for my email address. (it'll be virtual, secure phone thingy) She sounded nice and was really polite, so that's good. At least since I'll be at home, I can have all my notes spread out so I don't miss anything.
Yeah, san, the anxiety can really ramp that up. I'm overweight too and my bp normally (when calm) runs a nice 110's over 70's. Anxiety can push it quite a ways up. Fortunately, my normal providers are aware cause I told them that's why it'll be higher. Technically, the Prazosin I'm on for nightmares is mainly a high blood pressure drug, it just has that second use it's prescribed for. But clearly, it doesn't do much while I'm in an anxious elevated state. Sometimes it's depressing, but other times I find it relieving that the physical substantiates my subjective experience. Like "See? it's real!" kinda thing.
Sage, I appreciate you sharing about experience. It reminding me of how whole person of an experience things can be - body, mind, heart, etc impacts that we feel so strongly. Thinking of you as you navigate this.
Well, the mental eval is done. And wow, she took an hour and 40 minutes! None of her questions seemed designed to trick you, which is good. I think it went well. She saw me using my fidget toys, my anxiety was obvious, and we covered all the topics that needed to be covered. She did go into some more detail about family history and such, like then the rents divorced, how was it coming back to America, the not really having friends due to moving so much, etc. All in all, I do have a positive vibe off of it. Now I just hope their results go through quickly and a decision is made so the next step, whatever that is, can get on with it. Thank you all for your support. I'll probably have a lot to talk about with my T on Monday. Right now, I'm going to try to relax and have my tea and toast.
:thumbup: :hug:
:hug:
I'm glad that is over. Of course, the wait will be a bit tough, too. Good luck i hope that they see how much you need and DESERVE the benefits. :hug:
Thanks all, my fingers are tightly crossed.
So far, a decent weekend in which to recover. After the eval, my BFF and I went for lunch and a drive. Nowhere in particular, but it was nice to just be and enjoy the company. Yesterday, I had honey garlic chicken in the crockpot, so invited him over for dinner. It was yummy, then we chatted for a while. Having him next door is so wonderful. We were going to have cinnamon rolls this morning, but Bro had a duh moment and had put the salt in right after the yeast, so... yeah, that batch of dough is kaput. He's also got finals later this month and projects to work on, so the yummies might be put off a couple weeks.
He's also, at the end of the month, gonna go back and visit his parents (chosen family, remember, he's not blood) for a couple weeks, so I'll have some time to myself. (and with BFF next door, so not totally alone) We'll do a grocery run right before so I have plenty of things that are easy to make for meals in case of pain and/or no energy. My one cat who adores him is probably going to be a brat when he leaves. Bro can't even go to the store or school without that cat coming over to complain to me two seconds after he closes the door. Spoiled? Nah... lol. Anyhow, I'm just relaxing this weekend as usual. I'll be going over the evals and stuff with my therapist tomorrow.
Hi Cactus,
I hope the evals go well for you and congrats on getting though them. It's great that they looked at the physical evidence there and there was validation for what you were actually feeling. I get that as well about feeling like people are trying to trick you. For me, I think it comes from a place of being so young and having to figure so much out on my own where I really should have been supported by competent adults. It's great that your friend was there for you.
dolly
Lol. It sounds like your brother takes great care of the creatures he loves...you and his cat! :) it's really beautiful that you have found your chosen family. I also don't doubt for one second how much you give to your brother and BFF. But shoot even I'll miss your brother when he is gone! I love drooling over your descriptions of his baked goods!
Dolly - oh yeah, trust plays a big part in the issues, I get what you're saying.
Armee - LOL right? I'm tempted to tell him just make a pan of brownies before you leave. ha ha!
so glad you have your bff's to have your back, help out when you need it. that's so great. love and hugs :hug:
Many feelings today. Physically, typing is making my hands hurt, so this is the effort for the morning. Emotionally... I discussed with my T potentially writing my memoir. BFF loved the idea and is paying for a "How to Write memoirs" class for both of us, lol. I know it'll take a while, just for not being able to type for long, and because I know I have many undiscovered memories that are yet to be worked on. I do tend to write my thoughts during the week so I don't forget what I want to discuss in therapy, so the bare bones/outline is kind of already started.
one of the recommendations I see a lot of is to read similar memoirs so you can see what it is about their style that works. I don't think I can stand to read about that topic in personal detail without being triggered, though. Everything I've talked about so far has made me look at my life and see that I've endured FAR more trauma than I previously thought. And some of that is because I didn't remember it, or I devalued it as "not that bad". It's a very weird feeling to go from thinking "Oh, my parents never hit me, etc" to actually remembering some hits from the male parental unit. To see how my brain has suppressed or diminished things so I could survive is fascinating in its own way, and rather saddening. I've always written creatively and can produce pretty good fiction and non-fiction. I do better when I write, so maybe this will be a way of processing as I write. We'll see.
hey, CF, i've found writing can unlock things that i didn't realize were there. i actually did a memoir of a 3-mo. period in my life, and it felt good to put it down on paper but i found it took on a life i didn't expect (in a good way). i also relate to finding more and more trauma as i've delved into my life similar to what you said about dismissing things, not remembering their severity, or passing them off as 'not that bad'. the best to you with this project - i hope you find it stimulating as well as liberating. love and hugs :hug:
I think its a really fantastic idea to try writing a memoir and see what comes of it. I know some people use the voice function sometimes if writing is difficult but to me that feels like such a different way of processing information that I couldn't possibly wrote a memoir that way. I really liked Ashley Ford's memoir. It's a little triggering but also loved her style. I picked up Mary Karr's book on writing memoir before realizing there's no way I could write anything based on memories because my memory is so bizarre and undetailed.
It really is a harsh but clarifying moment when you come to see that what happened to you wasn't ok or normal. Just normal for your life, but beyond normal for others. It's painful but eye opening.
Thanks, San, I have always loved writing and I think it will be cathartic in many ways.
Armee, so true! I was laughing with my BFF that I should title my memoir "I just thought I was weird". But yeah, once I learned more about what trauma is, I can look at my life and go "huh, yeah, that wasn't actually normal. wow."
I realized I had read several memoirs previously. Memoirs are not autobiographies and I had the two confused. Way back in college, I took a wonderful class called Chicana Literature, and I see now those books were memoirs. Some of Audre Lorde's essay collections were memoirs. I did read, many years ago, a memoir of child abuse. "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer. It was striking and hard to read even before I knew I had issues. I can't say I recommend it offhand to anyone here. It's extremely well written and compelling, but it would trigger like crazy if anyone had even slightly similar physical or verbal abuse. Knowing I've read other memoirs (non-child abuse oriented stories) does help me see a bit on what styles I like and how they're written. I'm also hoping this class addresses how to write without including every awful detail, but still being compelling writing. After all, it's not like I remember entire conversations word for word, just the hurtful things said here and there. But to be fair, at least 99% of the people I'll be writing about have already passed away, so it's not like they can get upset at me. I suppose that's a plus.
sounds like you're setting yourself a solid foundation for this project, CF. i'm jazzed for you. i have no doubt you'll find the words you need to express intensity w/o having to rely on gory details (my best friend when i'm writing is the thesaurus). smiling hug and much love :hug:
That's a big plus, CF. I love that you and BFF are taking that class. It's a really delicate balance, including enough but not too many details. And what's helpful for others to read is an interesting question, even as you are writing for yourself. It gets tricky not wanting to trigge4 people but also not wanting to put an overly positive spin on things that aren't positive.
I just remembered a memoir I read a few years ago after hearing the woman on a podcast. I think it was Good Little Soldier. It was a bit triggering because it was so similar to what I went through with my mom. What ended up being helpful about it was that I couldn't see that what happened to me was bad or traumatizing and just thought I was being weak and stupid and needed to get over it. I definitely couldn't cry for myself. But when I read this story and what the author went through I sobbed for her and then had to step back and see how it was what I went through, too. I didnt cry for myself but it cracked the door a little to the possibility that it was OK for me to be a little messed up by what happened and I wasn't just stupid.
Best wishes on your writing journey.
I was able to take one short paragraph about the passing of my Grandpa (mom's dad), who was very dear to me, and expand it a little bit to about 1100 words. It's still very rough, but I looked up photos of the area we lived in the late 70's (Osan, South Korea) and that actually helped. None were of the exact year, but were in that decade and brought back a few details of the good parts of living there. I also learned why we lived off base; apparently the Air Force base hadn't even built family housing until a year later. It felt a little odd to write down the details of his passing as I remembered them, knowing there's a lot in there that still isn't in the conscious mind. Who knows if it ever will be? Some details aren't necessary. I know this is grief I will eventually work through since my F really didn't allow me to grieve at the time. I think the more I remember that was good about Grandpa, the more I'll be able to accurately grieve the loss. Especially knowing the abuse was worse before and after he lived with us. Getting it on paper will help get things a little straighter in my head.
Dinner tonight with the BFF and bro. He called it "family night" the other day and that was the first time in my life that phrase gave me warm happy anticipatory fuzzies. Brisket, roast potatoes, honey-glazed carrots, and we went and bought a no-sugar-added apple pie for dessert. (The local organic grocery store makes really good ones.) Bro is in the kitchen at the moment, attempting the cinnamon rolls again. I told him try not to kill the yeast this time, LOL. Other than that, nice and uneventful weekend so far. And lovely weather. :) Hugs to everyone who wants one!
:cheer:
Great job putting it down in some detail! Really feeling and understanding parts of what happened is helpful for me and I hope doing this is healing for you, CF. Enjoy that amazing dinner!!
The dinner you and your people shared sounded delicious. I also hope putting words to experiences is supportive.
The writing is interesting and does help bring up a little more detail, yet it also raises more questions. Things like why didn't I remember some parts of events compared to others? Why did I act that way at the time? Did I really learn to dissociate that early? it does give me a lot to talk about. I was talking to my T today about the events in South Korea and she pointed out at the end that when I was describing the moment, I actually said "Dad" twice. it was like I was back there, in that moment, and in that time of my narrative, he was "dad". I hadn't even realized I said it. Before therapy, I actually was falling down the internet rabbit hole because I looked up photos of that military base. Not very much at all, but there were some around the time I was there if not in the exact year. That brought back some detail and a couple good memories of used bookstores with Grandpa. It was fascinating to see the pictures and how they justified what I remembered of the place.
I did have a very good interaction this morning as well. I'd remembered I lived with Grandpa and Grandma for about 9 months while Mom and he were in Turkey. (no kids allowed on that trip) They lived on some land near a mountain town. I wondered if they'd actually owned it, and in the US, property purchases are public record. So I emailed the Assessor for the county and asked if their records went back to the 70's or could they refer me to someone who could prove it one way or the other? Well, she looked up the names and time and did find a land deed! It also proves the timeline for when Grandpa moved in with us. But for copies, she referred me to the County Clerk & Records office. I emailed them the info and asked if they could provide anything and to let me know cost of copies and mailing. Well, the County Clerk asked for my address, then about half an hour later, emailed me that 3 documents were in the mail. No charge. What a kind and helpful person! I'm so grateful. It will definitely get added to my genealogy research also.
So, not a bad few days. No nightmares this week. It's supposed to be windy tonight, but that might be a bonus as this week is unseasonably warm as well. Windy nights are... deal-able as long as I have the teddy bear. Oh, and bro made cinnamon rolls that are some of the best I've ever had. Super yum.
I can imagine that having that corroboration really helps to trust yourself. And I love all that kindness from people like the clerk. It is really refreshing.
I am starting to read another interesting example of a memoir...this one is Joy Harjo's Poet Warrior. Part is in poetry and has an interesting way of saying things without lots of detail but enough...like:
In those earliest years Girl-Warrior
Spoke freely with the earth
And the plants, the animals
That roamed in the yard of the small house
Where her family lived.
She was most herself when she was alone
And could hear the thrumming curiosity
Of the Creator who was pleased
With creation.
...
Far away, inside the house, Girl-Warrior's parents partied
With their friends,
They had fun.
Then they fought.
Then her father left.
Then he came back.
Then he caught her mother in his grip.
When he drank,
His words sparked and shined.
Only Then, could he speak.
hi CactusFlower
I'm glad you had a helpful person who sent you that information
The internet rabbit-hole (I like that term btw) is a place I know all too well .. I'm happy that it produced some good memories and validation for you
Hope you have a wonderful day :hug:
Hi Cactusflower,
I'm interested hearing about your ongoing findings, and wish you support with it :hug: I am so glad that you came across a helpful and kind person who sent those documents to you - that is good that someone did that.
I'm also glad to hear you didn't have any nightmares - that is really nice. I hope that you sleep well again tonight.
Hope :)
hey, CF, maybe there's a connection of sorts betw. writing and the nightmares? sounds like you're really getting into it, and it's allowing you to look for more answers to the pieces that make up you and your life. best of everything with this. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Thanks and hugs back, San, Hope, Phil and Armee. Yeah, I think the writing helps piece things together in tiny bits.
Armee, I love Joy Harjo's writing. I had to read some of her stuff back in college (my degree was in Women's Studies) and I remember it being very powerful. Thank you for those verses, they do resonate with me.
Just relaxing the past couple days. BFF gave me a huge jar of BBQ sauce he's not going to use, so we'll put that in the Instant Pot Monday with a beef roast for BBQ sandwiches. The kitties are loving the weather, as it means the windows are uncovered and the blinds drawn up. (aka, cat tv) Bro goes on his trip next Weds, so Sunday is a big grocery trip. That way I'll have things to eat while he's gone that are easy and quick for me to fix. BFF and I will have a charcuterie dinner while he's gone. That means good crackers, french bread, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salami and pepperoni, olives, pickles. Finger foods, basically. And bro agreed to make us his lemon sugar-free cookies before he goes, LOL. The memoir writing online class starts on the 28th. So I do have some good things to look forward to. That's nice for a change.
I also feel down the internet hole again, this time with pics from our station in Okinawa back then. They had an aerial view photo of the school I went to back then. That was a strange feeling. But again, seeing pics of these places really just makes me feel better as in "what I remember was real, including good stuff." I got about 500 words written about the fear of abandonment. I'm sure my therapist will love those. ;)
About 4 or 500 words written the other day. I tried to write about why unexpected loud sounds bother me. The key there is unexpected. Planned ones, like a fireworks show I willingly go to, or perhaps those air gun sounds at the mechanic (can you tell I don't drive, lol), I know to expect those. Sudden unplanned ones bug the heck out of me. Writing let a few memories come through of the male parental unit doing stuff HE thought was funny, like popping a paper bag or a balloon, snapping a towel or a belt, etc. I never thought it was funny. But any sign of being scared or upset brought comments like, "Don't be such a baby", etc. But it wasn't until I wrote it out that I realized how often he did that. I started crying and dissociated for a while. When I came back to myself, I'd apparently laid down and napped for a couple hours. That can be frustrating because it throws off my getting to sleep on time at night. Sigh. Just taking it easy today.
sounds like a huge realization for you, CF. no wonder you took a nap! exhausting! i suffer similarly, especially when i'm concentrating on something and someone comes near, says my name. it doesn't take loud noises - my startle response is on high alert to this day. and i've heard those messages you speak of in my own childhood. talk about taking away the idea of feeling safe. ugh. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, San, I appreciate your hugs and support. Bro's dad finally got here (remember, chosen family) late. Poor guy. every leg of his flights was terribly late. Apparently there are some severe storms going on in a state east of us. He's out on a walk at the moment. I don't know what all they're going to do today. They leave for their trip tomorrow. Basically, his dad flew in so they can drive back and spell each other driving, then will do the reverse in a couple weeks. (bro has flying fears) His dad is a really nice guy. Apparently, they made homemade beef jerky, and he brought not only a bag for me, but for the BFF! How kind. :)
It's going to be weird being alone for a couple weeks, but nice at the same time. I'll be having dinner at least twice with the BFF and I have a lot of low-effort foods stocked up so I don't have to think about too much cooking. The Fibromyalgia makes it hard to cook a lot due to it hurting while standing there for a while, chopping/prep, etc. We did have barbecue sandwiches yesterday, though. I just put the sauce and a beef roast in the Instant Pot. Love that thing. it helps so much.
Working on a lot of grief things right now due to what I'm writing about. I was never really allowed to grieve when Grandpa died, and processing that brings back the pain of mom's passing. just taking it one day at a time here.
for you, CF, with much love :bighug:
Hi CactusFlower,
I am also sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Sending you lots of gentle support through the grieving for your grandpa and mom as your writing brings up these feelings and memories. I imagine there might be some anger in there too for not being allowed to grieve your Grandpa.
I can very much relate. My Grandpa was the single most important person to me in the whole world. He is the only person who was looking out for me, as my own person. His death was a huge loss but I also didn't feel very free to have my grief for various reasons. If you stumble across something that works for honoring that delayed grief, i would love to hear about it, when and if you are able. I'm not sure how you feel about the virtual hugs and the various emotis for them. But if they are welcome and supportive I'm sending you a big one.
San, Hope, Armee, thank you all for the hugs. I appreciate them so much.
Armee - The writing is helping as I remember small but good memories. Playing in the snow, reading with him, listening to stories, going to used book stores later, enjoying good food... It's nice to know where those started. Telling my story tells his as well. He worked on oil tanks and taught others. He went to Cairo and Pakistan to do so in the area when he was younger. I have a small coin purse of coins from around the world he'd trade for. You're right, there is anger there, at least I know it's directed toward the male parental unit.
The memoir writing class begins today online. It looks like it'll be very in-depth, so I look forward to it. Bro is safe and off on his vacation, and BFF will have a nice friend visiting that I've met before. I bet I'll probably go to dinner with them at some point. His friend travels a LOT and always has funny stories. I'm very grateful to the universe for my life having good and understanding people in it now. I'm not sure I could go through all this completely alone.
Also, I logged into my social security account, and the SSA now says my case consideration has moved from 57% done to 60%. Every little bit helps! My Medicaid renewed, so I'm fine there. (state-paid health insurance for those not in the USA)
Strangely, I was just chilling and playing an online Mahjong game when I started crying. I have no idea why, I didn't get a memory or emotion and I have no issues with the game. I just started feeling that eye pressure and they poured out for a minute or two. I do feel a little better, but part of me wonders "what the heck was that about?"
indeed! i don't doubt you'll find a realization about those tears somewhere down the line. just glad you were able to release some toxins - that would be my guess. love and hugs to you, CF. :hug:
That's really interesting about the tears. I have a lot of emotions or things come up out of the blue too. I'm glad you could release those tears a bit. The grieving must be catching up a bit.
Cactus, I am excited to stay tuned and learn about how the memoir class progresses.
Thank you, san, armee, and rainy. The tears happened a couple more times, so I'm just going with and letting them flow. Like, one was even at a cute kitten video. (I usually make the OMGSOCUTE squeal, but not cry, lol)
The memoir class is interesting so far, well, for a first lesson. Basically, it's a lot of reading, some writing assignments, and the teacher is available on a discussion board to interact with. We'll be able to share our writing with the class if we want, not just the teacher. But submissions can be just to her if we don't want to. The first assignment is writing about the scope, audience, theme, etc of your memoir. I actually had trouble expanding mine to 500 words. I got to 483 and a few paragraphs, so that's going to be it. now I'm wondering if there's something in my past that explains my extreme displeasure at babbling/sounding pretentious/repeating myself. That's definitely getting triggered. I'll have several things to discuss with my therapist Monday.
TW: religious talk
I had a little bit of an issue. The first thing right off was the typical "please introduce yourself, tell us a little bit about yourself, blahblabhblah" thing. I hate those. i hated them in college, I hate them in teambuilding, it's just.... I don't like revealing personal stuff to strangers. But I managed to overcome that and write a decent enough intro. My BFF (also taking the class) had to convince me to post for other reasons, though. When I hopped on, only three people had yet posted their intros. I'm presuming because some people actually work and don't post until after work. But one of them is a Southern Baptist preacher's wife for whom the church and its activities are her entire life. And she's perky cheerful. BUT, that's not what bothered me. On her replies to everyone's introductions, she included some little comment about praying. Like "praying you get published like you want" or "praying you get that from the class as hoped", etc. I know she means it in a positive manner, I just... I'm pagan/buddhist, but even if I wasn't, I don't want to be prayed for. That annoys the ---- out of me. Reading that made me not want to post an introduction at all at first. I'll give her a couple of assignments, but if she keeps that up, I might message the teacher privately. It's not appropriate, not wanted, and not the place for it.
i don't like people pushing their beliefs on me, either, CF. it's one thing if i ask for it, but quite another when it's unsolicited. i'm with you on this. love and hugs :hug:
That would bother me too, CF.
I'm glad the tears are coming though. Even if a cute squeal seems like the more appropriate response! You have rivers of tears stored up and letting them out slowly seems just right. Your body is smart.
The memoir writing is going well so far. Although we're not to that assignment yet, I managed to expand the story of my grandfather's death to around 1500 words. it's also much more story-like and less a recitation of facts. I'm trying not to work ahead in the class. I have that problem a lot with self-paced things, I binge them. I definitely want to get the BFF's money's worth out of this class, lol.
It's been... strange while bro is gone. I've only lived alone one other time in my life, and only for about a year or so. Otherwise, it's been family, roommates, chosen family, my ex, etc. Time feels stretched, in a way. Yet the days blend together more? it's just odd. And so quiet. Bro's not that noisy, but it's a different kind of quiet. I find myself talking to the cats out loud more, ha ha. BFF is going to help me this afternoon by taking me to get my med refills. He's got a friend visiting for a couple days, a lovely older British gentleman. I've met him a few times and it's a little disconcerting this year, as he's clearly getting a bit forgetful. Sad, but it happens to all of us. Lest you think retiring to Mexico is cheaper, the guy pays as much in rent as I do. okay, it's a beachfront house, but still. LOL
Listening to solfeggio frequencies at the moment after reading Dollyvee's entries. I'd heard some of these on youtube before, like the 432hz for relaxing/writing, but they hadn't called them that. I rather like it. Although they're specific frequencies, it's like having background music that isn't distracting. I'm going to try doing some writing while listening with my earphones. Then therapy later. Oh, it just changed to 396hz. I think I get what Dollyvee was describing. You really can imagine yourself flying, riding thermals above treetops in the warm sun. Cool wind filtering through feathers, rising and gliding over piney forests towards a blue horizon...
I need to favorite this soundtrack.
Too much to process today. the draft leak from the USA Supreme Court and its implications have my pulse rate rising and my stomach flipping. I know I'm coming from a place of privilege to be able to step away from the issues temporarily, but for my own mental health, I am not looking at the news the rest of today. It makes my anxiety shoot through the roof right this minute.
hey, CF, i hear you about the news. i can barely listen to 15 min. or so before my mind feels war-torn and frazzled with sadness. too much, definitely, both in the u.s. and abroad.
i've listened to those frequencies at various times, wanting them to work, but i've had problems with energy anything in the past (tai chi, energy work from another, etc.). i listen to the sounds for a bit and begin feeling disturbed rather than relaxed or whatever. i'm glad they work for you, tho, and hope you get extra benefits from them. your openness to new things is wonderful.
keep taking care of you, ok? sending love and a hug filled with gentleness for your mind. :hug:
hugs! thank you, san, they're definitely calming. Staying off that also shows me how much I check the news throughout the day. I need to fix that.
:grouphug:
That news definitely makes makenheart race and stomach churn. Good to stay away to stay healthy.
Thanks, Armee. It did help. The issue is still extant, of course, but I'm able to give it some mental distance now. I got a tiny bit more writing done, but I mostly played some puzzles, checked in with internet friends, and watched some cooking shows. And maybe had a wee bit of Cadbury chocolate. Here, this is funny. My BFF took me Monday to pick up my meds and got me the chocolate. (My pharmacy is in a grocery store) I thanked him for the antidepressant... and the meds. HA HA!
Some part of the missing Mom lately is also because this is both my Birthday month and Mother's Day. I can think I'm fine and then see an ad for something I would have gotten her, and Bam! sadness. Part of me wants to ask her things as I work through my CPTSD and all, and another part of me is glad she's not here to see how much it really messed me up, ya know? The more I remember, the more I can see from and adult perspective how he manipulated and gaslit her and just generally treated her like crap. I don't have very much from Mom, but maybe on my birthday (which comes first), I'll wear the amethyst ring I gave her. It's a funky triangle cut stone that she loved because it was so different to all the others.
On a side note, I was reading a chapter in the book about writing memoirs that talks about possibly changing names for legal reasons, etc. If there's one positive thing about writing all this, it's that the other main people involved are of an age where they're all dead or soon will be. So that's a bit less to worry over.
Just wanted to drop in and say I admire you for taking the memoir class, and memoir writing, it sounds really rewarding.
Also Cadbury chocolate is the best!
Spent a nice day with my BFF yesterday. He'd twinged his back the day before, so I helped him get some things out of cupboards and all. (So glad we live next door to each other now! it was better today and he had some errands, so I kept him company during those and then we had dinner. He says he's noticed an improvement when I mentioned it'd been just over a year now that I've been in therapy. It's hard for me to see because I'm too close to the issue, but I trust his opinion. He still thinks I need to get out more, LOL. I'm ok when I'm with him, but honestly, it's not like I do a lot of interaction with strangers and it's not usually unpredictable/scary environments. The thought of dealing with people at a job or large gathering still makes my heart and breathing start racing.
Did a bit more crying yesterday after redoing one of the memoir chapters. One reason I don't care much for my birthday month anymore is Mother's Day is also upon us. Working on this grief stuff is making me miss Mom terribly. It also feels incredibly strange to cry at almost 52 years old and "want my Mommy", but that's what ends up coming out of my mouth. I'm tearing up just writing this. It's also hard to write this because I was taught not to cry in front of people. But... yeah. All the Mother's Day ads for everything, I just wish they'd all go away. Email, grocery stores, it's everywhere. Crud. It might be a tea and toast day even with 92 degrees predicted for this afternoon. Ugh.
Today is hard. It's Mother's Day in the USA and we've been inundated with ads since Easter.
I'm going to tell you about my Mom. I consider you lucky if you ever met her. Was she perfect? Duh, no. But she was strong and amazing. She quit nursing school to have me. After being a good military wife for 11 years and following the * around the country and into three other countries, she came back to the States with a pre-teen when they divorced. I only knew her version, but she said he came home one day and told her he didn't love her anymore. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she knew, either consciously or subconsciously, that she needed to get me away from him before puberty hit. We stayed with her long-time friends until she could find a job and save up enough for a small apartment. There was no help from the families of her two older brothers and little contact after a couple meetings, since they felt she must have done something wrong to deserve a divorce. (To this day, I only speak to one cousin, and they're estranged too.)
Mom was strong and smart and incredibly brave. She did HR work for AT&T when it became that after being Mountain Bell, she was an office manager for a chiropractor, and she made sure I never went cold or hungry. She supported me in pretty much anything I wanted to try and told me I could be anything I wanted if I put my mind to it. We moved around Denver several times for better priced apartments and better schools. She indulged my current interest if she had the money, whether it was guitar or tap dance or buying D&D books. She loved to read as much as I did and a trip to the library was damned fun together. She let me be less than perfect, less than neat. She let me be myself where he would never have done so.
Mom loved arts and crafts and could make so many beautiful things. Inky sumi-e paintings in Japan, tole painting, etc. She taught me to crochet, which I love still. Any place we lived that had even a smidge of a yard got a garden. She sang alto and loved country music (nobody's perfect, LOL) and ended up liking Adele and watching Glee. She learned computer stuff quickly when it came to be and by the end, was capable of programming chatroom bots. She even helped design the original spreadsheets for that AT&T HR office's payroll in Lotus123 before Excel existed. She loved terrible jokes, did not share my love of British comedy, ate black licorice far too much, and preferred butter pecan ice cream over any other. She was a sucker for baby animals and the reason we had a pet ferret for a time. Without her, I wouldn't be able to make damned good red chili or chicken and dumplings. She'd slur her S's a little bit on the rare tipsy occasion and could make friends with anyone. Her birthstone was amethyst and a ring of it was the best mother's day present I ever gave her, other than graduating from college. She didn't let me date until I was 15 or cuss in front of her until later that year, LOL.
We loved to go camping and slept on a mattress in the back of the truck in the camper because she was only 2" taller than me and we fit it very well. We'd sing all the old TV ad jingles we could remember while driving around, and she's the reason I love 1960's folk music. She could be more stubborn than me and god help you if you were rude or dismissive to her because she was a woman. When she bought that pickup truck, they tried to charge her for the radio that was in it. She said "You can take the charge out, or you can take the radio out. If you want me to buy it, I'll wait until one of those happens." We got the radio.
I would not be as well off as I am now, regardless of my situation, or as educated without her. If she were here to see me go through all this with CPTSD, I just know she'd cry for how I was hurt, then she'd want to hunt him down, my Mama bear. She's been gone for 9 years now. (Smoking all her life is what killed her.) I love you, Mom, and I will miss you every freaking day for the rest of my life.
:bighug:
Beautiful tribute, Sage. It hurt my heart in a good way. No wonder you miss her so.
Thank you, san and Armee. Big hugs back. The evening was much better, I went next door and had dinner with my BFF, then we watched this British comedy series on HBO called "Ghosts". Hysterical, I needed the laugh. We watched the second season last night, and will finish it off tomorrow evening.
Did some more memoir work and talked to my T yesterday about how it helps in that it brings back more details around a memory and how that's both bad and good. It's definitely showing me that my parent's relationship wasn't as good and smooth sailing as my brain had glossed over. That there were plenty of arguments and gaslighting and such going on. It must have been very hard for Mom. It also gives glaring examples of how the smallest of actions or comments can be internalized in a traumatic way. The memory I was writing the other day had to do with his comments on the drawings and such I did. Those throw-away remarks caused me to claim "I'm not an artist, I can't even draw a straight line" and produce nothing more than stick figures for the next 40+ years. It wasn't until I moved here and was safe and healing (and found the right kind of teacher) that I was able to love my artistic ability anymore. I'll post a couple pics of my recent stuff in the art section here. I'm grateful to be able to say I am an artist now, but still angry at him for saying things that stifled me for so long.
That is so fantastic that you reclaimed your right to be an artist. You are right those small remarks leave lasting wounds and massive trickle down effects. I'm realizing the same now in my own life.
Thank you, Armee. It is amazing how little it can take and last so long.
Bro and his Dad are back safely, his Dad flies out Saturday. They're resting right now due to the amount of driving they did. (2.75 days) My orange cat pretty much attached himself to Bro for the first 20 minutes. "Person! My person! I missed you!" It's so cute.
The street work is definitely messing a little with my sleep schedule since they start right on 7am. This morning, I was thinking "Why do you all have to yell to get anything done. Then I realized with the jackhammers and asphalt saws and such, they're probably all wearing hearing protection. That made more sense. They do tend to faff off for a couple hours at lunchtime, so it's not constant.
Next week's writing assignment is all about the characters in your memoir. That shouldn't take too long. Also, we'll probably all go to dinner either Saturday or Sunday for my birthday thing. It used to really bother me when I would invite people for it and few if any would show up. The older I get, the more I realize the important ones show up and that's what matters. But that reminds me, I need cake. lol
CF. i echo armee. i've always found it fascinating what can come up when i'm writing about me instead of just speaking it. it's a big risk in some ways. and happy birthday in advance - i agree, the important ones show up. always. love and hugs :hug:
Oh yay! Bro is back! And you did ao awesome through his absence! Way to go!
Happy early birthday! The important ones do show up. The older I've gotten the more I've learned lol that I need to schedule around the important ones. 😅
Many different feelings lately. The memoir writing is going okay. It does bring tears on occasion, but more for what I had to go through, if that makes sense. Feels a little strange, my birthday on Monday. Like, I think to myself "52. what have I been doing?" It triggers a sense of guilt or shame, like I should have done more, been more, etc. by now. (Bro is going to use the bag of apples I bought to make me an apple cinnamon coffee cake, yum. no guilt there. LOL)
I also have an issue I haven't discussed with anyone. So, I have two cats. The male (formerly, they're both fixed) is about 8 or so and the female is a year younger. My boy seems to be losing weight for some reason. I don't know why, as there hasn't been any change in either of their eating habits. (dry food only) She, on the other hand, is a chubby girl. I've tried different foods, even canned stuff as a treat, and they don't like the changes. They'll eat it excitedly as a "cool, something new!" for a few days, then stop until I change back to their old stuff. There hasn't been any change at all in eating habits, they drink plenty of water, litter box habits are healthy and regular, they play plenty, etc.
The bad part is that since I am unemployed and trying to get on disability, I literally have no budget. Bro pays or BFF pays when we go out to eat or have delivery. BFF is helping with rent currently. I have X amount i the bank and that pays bills like power, Internet, phones, etc. I do not have the money to take him to a vet, even a low-income clinic, and I'm worried he's losing weight due to something serious. My mind catastrophizes very easily and jumps to conclusions like cancer and such. Especially since everything else about him has stayed "normal". I'm going to get some extra nutritional treats next grocery run and see if he likes those. I don't know what else to do. I can feel his hip bones when I cuddle him. (overly affectionate cat) He doesn't seem to be in pain or unhappy. I know I'm jumping to worst-case scenario, but I can't stop. I've always considered myself a good pet owner, they're family members to me and life-long (theirs) commitments. That brings up a lot of guilt and shame when I think about not being able to have the best care for him. I dunno, I just love my boy and worry about him.
Anyhoo, family dinner tomorrow night. BFF is making the classic of 1980's potlucks, faux teriyaki meatballs. (weirdly, the recipe uses grape jelly and chili sauce, but it works.) I'm really loving having him right next door. There's a term in Welsh I heard once that I think describes us well. Enaid Hoff. It translates as "soulmates", but with a platonic context. Literally, "two fond souls in agreement." Yup, that's us!
CF, i get it about wanting the best for your animals - we took on the responsibility for their care and well-being, and seeing them undergo changes like you mention is worrisome. i feel for you with not having sufficient funds to check out what's going on. i don't know if i'd categorize your thoughts as catastrophizing. they seem realistic under the circumstances. i do hope you're able to somehow find the money needed to have him looked at. best to you with this. love and hugs to you and him. :hug: :hug:
Hi CF,
I'm so sorry that your kitty might be ill. I know I would be feeling the same things if it was my cat. It's hard with pets because it's not like they can tell you what's going on. Like San said, I hope you're able to find a way to have him looked at and ease your mind.
dolly
Sage, it's sad about your kitty. You can only do what you can afford to do. Hopefully you can find some affordable care but if not, don't beat yourself up. None of this is your fault. Being disabled is not your fault. Waiting too long for benefits is not your fault. I feel a lot of anger rising up in me for the person (people?) whose fault it really is.
But your kitty is well loved and cared for and that is quality of life and what matters most.
Happy 52nd birthday. I think you've accomplished a lot. You've made a family that is good for you, you enjoy your day-to-day life, you've survived trauma, you've had impressive careers helping people, you are writing and doing art....I'm sure the list goes on and on. I can understand feeling that way, for sure because we are so hard on ourselves. But at the same time, how we show up in life matters more than accomplishments.
Thank you, san and dolly. Armee, thank you, I often forget to give myself credit for just making it this far. Thanks again for reminding me.
Birthday was nice and calm. Bro got me a Visa gift card and a bag of Lindt chocolate truffles. it was so hot here yesterday, I had to put them in the fridge. The one I ate was a little... soft, LOL. I did have a problem registering the card online so I could use it on Amazon. (I actually love gift cards, because I love just shopping.) It refused to register so I had to call the company. Long hold times. Turns out there was something wrong with the card, so they're replacing it, I should have the new one in about a week. Interestingly, this happened back at Christmas, too. Apparently, people who steal cards now just generate a lot of random numbers til it works, so a card might be useless before it's even purchased. Seems kind of aggravating, really. But they're quick to fix things and my amazon cart is ready.
Then I got an email from where I'd redeemed some points (inboxdollars site, surveys and games and such) that would cover half the Amazon cart, so I went ahead and got it. When the card comes, I'll just use it to get home necessities like trash bags, paper plates, that kinda stuff. This way, my gifts should show up Thursday. I love the color purple, so I chose purple pants, tshirts, and shoelaces, LOL. The rest covers a nice wall print (ready to hang) of Frida Kahlo and a cute pencil case that looks like a cup of boba tea.
The memoir writing is going well and has proven to not only help fill out some little gaps in my memory, but invoke new ones to process in a careful way. The latest one is about why I hate/fear unexpected loud noises. A lot of it boils down to the male parental unit doing things like popping balloons, snapping belts and towels, etc because he thought scaring me was funny. As I remember this, I am very angry on behalf of my younger self because that was cruel. The writing and remembering also is showing me that things weren't as rosy as my memory gaps thought they were before. It feels very strange to admit to it sometimes.
On a random note this morning, a tablespoon of fiber powder supplement thickens greek yogurt almost to the consistency of peanut butter. LOL
Hi CactusFlower,
A belated Happy Birthday! :cake: Your presents/gifts sound lovely.
Glad your memoir writing is going well - I am interested that you've noticed that it does fill some gaps in your memory - that suggests it's effective at a few levels. I was sorry that your male parental unit did those cruel things to you - trying to scare you in that way is not funny, I am also angry, and glad that you were able to be very angry on behalf of your younger self, because that was cruel.
When you said 'The writing and remembering also is showing me that things weren't as rosy as my memory gaps thought they were before" - I related a lot to that - thanks for writing about that.
Sending you a hug - if that's ok, and enjoy your Birthday treats. :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks, Hope! I will definitely accept virtual hugs!
The last few days have been relatively mellow. Bro made his cinnamon coffee cake, and added some chopped up apples to it. It makes a delicious birthday treat, lol. BFF didn't feel like cooking last night, so he took us out to eat. :) My town has a very diverse range of restaurants. Middle Eastern was last night, as I love chicken shawarma. This place also uses pistachios instead of walnuts in their baklava, and it's pretty tasty.
the next writing assignment will be about an outline for the memoir. I'm not honestly sure how to do this, as I know other stories will come up as my memory returns them. So it'll have to be a very flexible kind of outline. I'll eventually have to think of how they tie together as a theme for the collection, but I'm not rushing anything. This is all just really rough first drafts to get the basic shape down.
I mentioned in another person's journal that I'm not reading the news as much to better deal with all the scariness of it. I also have to deal with the emotion of frustration at limitations. 20 years ago, I would have been physically healthy enough to join marches and protests and all. My heart still wants to, but my body know that would be a very bad idea. It's painful to even just stand in one place for more than 10 minutes or so. I know there's a point where you supposedly come to accept the limitations and live well while coping, but every now and then, I get very angry at my fibromyalgia. I have accepted my reality, but accepting it exists doesn't mean I have to like it and definitely not all the time. I've gotten to the point where I don't remember how it feels to sleep and feel rested, or what no pain at all feels like. And being sick and tired of being sick and tired is exhausting in itself. Then I get guilt feelings and start doing the comparison thing. Other people are bedridden. Other people have to use wheelchairs. etc, etc. And it's sad that I actually feel grateful I haven't had the experience some have, of other people or doctors not believing it or belittling one for it. (I sometimes imagine what I'd say if it DID happen, and it isn't usually very nice, lol) I think one of my lessons this lifetime is not only patience, but learn how to accept help when it's offered. That's kinda hard for me. I have to very consciously tell myself that accepting help does not equal my failure.
hey, CF, i hear you on those limitations that have come with age and physically being out of sorts. and i also experience constant pain, have been diagnosed w/ fibromyalgia, and it just sucks. luckily i have the right kinds of meds to help me sleep. that makes all the difference. i'm so very sorry you can't get the rest you need because of what's going on w/ your body.
i hope you can eventually put those comparisons in your pocket and out of your way. your condition is real to you, affects your world, your activities, your mental health. it keeps you from doing things you'd like. everyone has some kind of issue in their lives and we all have to deal with those as best we can. i don't think comparisons help, do they? i was raised w/ comparisons, and i still fight not to give in to them. sending love and a hug filled w/ healing and peace. :hug:
I'm glad you are getting some nice things for your birthday. I like purple too.
I join you in feeling angry for your younger self, being intentionally frightened by someone who should have been comforting.
Hm. The heavy equipment is still on the street outside, therefore so much for their estimate of being done by the 20th. Sigh. It'll be nice to have our parking back eventually.
I was rather frustrated yesterday. I got a grocery pickup order and had to talk to customer service when I got home and found out I'd been shorted the rotisserie chicken AND the potstickers. I think someone forgot a bag when loading the car. I have store credit for the cost, but it was very annoying. At least I got my cantaloupe. I love that stuff all chunked up in a bowl, cold from the fridge. So refreshing, and our days have been running in the upper 80s-low 90s lately.
I wrote some more on the memoirs last night. I usually write in the mornings, but this just had to get out. I'm not going into detail here, but let's just say it involves the being tucked into bed part of the evening. That took a while to write as I kept stopping and trying not to disassociate. But I needed to write it. I'll revisit it in a few days. It's hard to re-read those things right away, which is why I work on several at a time. That way I can switch around to less upsetting ones.
I feel like there's more, but I can't think what. Just very blah and disconnected today. It might be leftovers from that writing. I'll try and get some fresh fruit in to see if that helps.
we have our parking back! They eventually came and cleaned up everything in the street.
I just read an entry in Hope's journal that talks about pictures of one's self as a child and how we don't have a concept of being that age sometimes. That made me think. Because we didn't have "good" childhoods, because our brains ended up differently... Does anyone else here have difficulty telling ages of young kids sometimes? Like, If I were to see kids in public, I can't tell how old they are within certain ranges. Like 3-5 or 6, or 7-12(ish) Someone could say, "Oh, they're in 4th grade" and I am "ummmm. How old is that?" I know I was 14-15 in my freshman year of high school (grade 9) but I can't figure out someone's grade or age by looking at them if it's before middle school. I know a couple early milestones so I can see when it's wrong in fiction, that's about it. (and it's annoying when an author has a 3-year-old speaking in complete grammatically perfect sentences. Like, no.)
My T is off this coming Monday for Memorial Day weekend. Let's hope the weeks go decently. I also need to schedule the next meds check-in. I'm not certain what to expect long-term. The Nortryptiline has reduced the anxiety in cars when I go out and brought the baseline mood from UGH up to Meh, but... is that it? Am I expecting too much from it? Is the everyday feeling supposed to just be at "meh"? I'll have to talk with her. It hasn't really effected being triggered or not, or dissociating when that happens. *shrug* Maybe I'm just feeling rather blah today.
I feel like feeling blah and disconnected is actually doing pretty good considering the part of your memoir you worked on recently and then also reread?
I firmly hold loads of hope that you'll get to the other side of processing this and feel more than meh more often. I see a lot of positive change just the past few months! I really do, that's not just cheerleading.
Thank you, Armee, that's very helpful to hear someone sees that. Yeah, I'm sure that's some of it. I can't force processing so I have to let the memoirs develop at their own rate and try not to get frustrated when I want to write more.
i agree all the way w/ armee, CF. sounds like you're revisiting some rough stuff. hope you can be patient w/ yourself and give you the time needed to get thru it. and, yay for getting your parking back!!! :cheer: love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, san. just taking it one day at a time, that's the best I can do. I definitely have noticed an uptick in the skin picking and bouts of dissociation when working on this stuff.
I'm definitely going to slow down for the next couple of weeks. My T has this coming Monday off for the holiday, then my BFF is going to another state to visit his sister for a week or so.
On a positive note, my application for LIHEAP was approved, and rather quickly! For those not in the USA, it's a program that helps with utility bills. (Low Income Heating and Energy Assistance Program) Every little bit helps, so I'm grateful for this. Apparently it's a check given to you once a year, so I need to go deposit that this coming week. My gas bill is autopay, so that's handy. Shame the electricity doesn't have that option yet, but I can still pay it online each month. I'm still trying to get my internet to accept the federal assistance program, but something on their end isn't matching up. I'll call again soon, but this will be the third call to customer service and I'm getting aggravated. It can be so frustrating, the way this country "tries" to help people and then the programs are hard to make work. Grrr. I'm going to stick with it until it's fixed as that would take over half off my internet bill. I qualified and all on the federal level, so I know the problem is with the provider company. Sigh. It's very exhausting to deal with even minor stress like this.
I appreciate you sharing these experiences and wish it was different in the US.
Oh yay! LIHEAP is notoriously difficult!
It makes so very much sense there'd be an increase in avoidance/flight symptoms working on this (dissociation, and for me the skin picking and SH is about mental distraction and avoidance too). You're doing really well Sage. So much strength and courage to start slowly facing this. :hug:
Thank you, Rainy and Armee. Hugs back!
I think I'll have some time to myself this weekend-ish. Bro is hanging with some friends from another state he's known for a long time who are in town for an anime convention, so they want to hit things like some museums, aquarium, etc. I'll be picked up for lunch today to meet them, But they're aware my issues mean I can't hang all day like he can. Then Sunday, I've got lunch with the BFF to use a "buy one get one meal free" thing to be used in my birthday month. It's an awesome place that's kind of all you can eat for the price Brazilian food and the different kinds of meats on long skewers.
Yep, Bro just said he's headed out in about 20 min to have breakfast with them and hit the Botanic Gardens. They'll have fun and I'll have a nice quiet morning, LOL. Not that it's a problem, it's just nice to have time apart, too.
Relatively calm dreams, but definitely have a theme lately. In various situations, searching for someone or something and not getting any help to find it/them. Like really, brain? Kinda obvious there. Part of me is "so get it over with already!" and part of me is all "if it takes that much to get there, maybe I don't wanna know." It'll happen when it happens.
Well, timing didn't work out for meeting Bro's friends, but that's ok. They only live a day or two's driving away for the future. Bro had lots of fun, at least. He said they did so much walking. I spent both days hanging with the BFF ad talking about writing, watching movies, eating (lol), etc. This week will be a little bit busy towards the end. Time to refill meds, I need stuff from the store for family dinner Saturday, and Sunday is BFF's birthday. Then he goes on a short trip to visit his sister. The next parts of the memoir writing class are about actual scenes, pivotal moments, etc. But the assignment's not due until June 15, so I'm not worried. I'm just slowly still writing whatever comes to mind. My mind has actually backed off of processing for the moment, thank goodness. I'm okay with a breather here and there.
not getting help is a theme running thru my life as well as my dreams, CF. so frustrating and energy sapping.
your memoir work is amazing. i'm glad you're getting some respite from processing.
hope you have a good dinner party and happy b-day to BFF. love and hugs :hug:
You are so wise....sage even (haha!)...to trust your brain's need to back off a bit.
ha ha Armee! good one.
Today was... busy. BFF and I ran to the asian grocery store to get the stuff to family dinner tomorrow night. Then we spent about 5 hours going through a story we co-wrote and turning it into a 15-18 minute long script for animation. Not only is the formatting time consuming, but you have to describe everything as you see it and that's it. That feels very odd because it's quite different from normal story writing where you can describe things from the past, what people are thinking, etc. But we got the first draft done! He printed a copy and we both signed it, joking about it being worth something someday. I'm currently finishing up the dessert for tomorrow's dinner since it has to chill in the fridge overnight. After I was done with the writing, Bro and I went to walmart to get BFF a nice travel mug for his trip to see his sister next week. We were going to get coffee to go with it so he wouldn't have to drink hotel coffee, but he bought some to tak with him at the international market! LOL I couldn't just say,"Hey, don't buy that... because." So we just got a card and a gift bag too. he's not too keen on birthdays, so it's enough. Between the grocery store, sitting in someone else's chair for hours, walking across a walmart, and slicing up a pound of strawberries, I have ZERO energy and strength in me. I'll probably head to bed early as soon as the last bit of the dessert goes in the fridge. WHEW. Thank goodness tomorrow's dinner will be relatively easy. (steaming the char siu buns, the potstickers, and sauteeing up the chicken yakisoba.)
I saw a TikTok recently where a guy who has PTSD (Iraq) said, get some nontoxic markers and whenever you feel like self-harm, draw on yourself instead. I was reading a difficult ebook memoir and did get the urge to pick at my skin. So I took my fineliners and drew a small flower on my upper arm. (where it'd be covered by a tshirt sleeve) It was odd, but it kinda worked. The urge did subside.
Lol. It was an overdone pun for sure but thanks for humoring me.
Thanks for the marker tip! I'll have to put some non-permanent pens by the knives and maybe it'll even work in the bathroom by the tweezers.
Your meals sound delicious and the Asian markets have the best instant coffee.
Congrats on finishing the animation script!!!! Love all the creativity and maybe it really WILL be worth something one day. :grouphug:
Hi CactusFlower,
That's great that you and BFF co-wrote that script for the animation. I hope it will be something that will be enjoyed by many people in the present and future. It's an achievement to do something like that, and it sounds like it was fun to do - although time consuming.
I've found that your writing about your memoirs has evoked thoughts for me, and I'm grateful to you for that, as I haven't really managed to 'do' any writing about my past, in any concrete or useful way. I have had lots of good intentions, but not really tackled it in any meaningful way - and you have been focusing on things in a really good way - and I am thinking how great that is.
Sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Hi Cactus,
I need a trip to the Asian grocery store myself! They have these amazing sweet potato/gluten free noodles that I jazz up with a ground pork/gochujang mixture. Sometimes add grilled green beans or steamed bok choi. Now I'm hungry.
Sounds great that you are doing an animation too. It's so helpful, theraputic in itself to have projects like that to work on. Hope we get to see it one day.
dolly
Thank you, Armee, Hope, and Dolly. Our next step is actual editing, then maybe we can get it into the hands of someone to make it. We think it would be very much in the same wheelhouse as some of the episodes of Love, Death, And Robots on Netflix. (TW: don't go watch those unless you like computer animated gore, a lot of them have game-like violence)
Dinner was lovely. We're going to the store this afternoon. After all these trips, my energy is major low and pain is high. (not to mention anxiety around strangers. But we shouldn't need much of anything besides milk after this trip, so I can hermit for a few days again. The exhaustion can be a bit frustrating sometimes. But having the disabled parking thing for the car has absolutely helped with closer parking. Ugh. okay, gotta go get ready in a bit. I have to people today, LOL.
CF, I hope your shopping trip was as easeful as possible and that you have some time to rest from it.
Thanks, Rainy, I'm definitely taking it easier at the moment. The trip wasn't terrible; the grocery store was strangely *not* full of people for a Sunday afternoon. But hey, I'll take it. Bro found a salad mix I really like, we got some treats above our basic stock-up, and the cashier was nice without being chatty. LOL Lots of what we wanted was on sale, which always makes me feel better. I need to explore my money issues someday, as they're pretty strong and I'm not 100% sure why. I mean, I know at least half of it comes from Male parental unit, but I wouldn't be surprised if the fear of abandonment also played into it.
I've been reading other memoirs, I think I mentioned that. It's recommended before or as you write your own so you can see how others wrote theirs. They're definitely not easy to get through because of the topic. There's lots of times I cry as I read, or even just close the ebook and dissociate for a little while.One that was very powerful was "The Sergeant's Daughter" by Teressa Shelton, but every few chapters, I had to go take a nap afterwards because my brain was all "nope, nope, not now, not that." Some of the crying while reading these comes from some conflicting feelings. I might start crying in almost relief to know I'm not the only one to go through some of this stuff, but... Then I get tears and shame while thinking "How can you feel relieved? Doesn't that mean you're happy someone else experienced it? That's sick." it's a weird argument with myself. No, of course I don't wish this crud on anyone else. But it's hard to convince my mind/subconscious? that it's just because someone else might understand. I usually end up with a headache and being even more exhausted after that plus the crying. I do try to tell myself that no matter what these authors went through, they found the courage to tell. That gives me the courage to write my own. That I deserve to say, "This happened to me. And I know I'm not alone."
That's why being here is so powerful. Knowing we aren't alone and other people get it. It's not just us. It's why many of us here read memoirs, too. And why yours will be powerful someday too. It's also a permission of sorts to be upset about what happened that it isn't no big deal when you read about it happening to someone else. You're not a bad person. You're very kind and thoughtful.
Hi Sage, I was just following up about how it went with the therapist who understands "The Body Keeps the Score" it is excellent and I actually took a course with the author over the winter, Author has alot of experience and its the one book that paves the way for CPTSD sufferers and its breakthrough for understanding this. Anyway I just wanted you to know you are rooted for and I hope its going well. Kraggy
Thanks Armee, that put a smile on my face.
I really lucked out getting the T that I did straight off the bat. To be fair, having read the book first, I kinda knew what to look for. I first asked my health insurance for a list of female therapists who were taking new patients so I could be sure my visits would be covered. I then found ones not too far from me in case I ever do in-person stuff someday, since this was at the height of COVID. Then I did a Google search on "trauma informed" therapists and check where those lists overlapped. Lastly, I scoured the web for any reviews/comments/etc on the handful whose names I'd chosen. The group I ended up choosing had good reviews and also had some MDs so if I needed meds, that could happen in the same group. I really click with my T. I did write a kind of introductory letter once I signed all the consent forms and stuff and had them send that to her. I described what had happened to trigger me, what I'd learned about why I might be having EFs, a little background, and what I hoped to get out of therapy. We also spent the first session or two going over that. I made sure to tell her that I was open to trying various modes of therapy to see what would work. Yes, reading "The Body Keeps the Score" was eye-opening. I cried at multiple points in the book because I felt like there was finally a valid reason for things in my life, like someone finally could see the way I was and explain why. It wasn't easy to read, but it was finally putting a name to so much I'd experienced. Sometimes it's hard to believe I'm nearly a year and a half into therapy. I know it'll never be fast and it could take quite a while longer, but I knew that going in. Both my T and the Doc that oversee my meds are kind, friendly, and knowledgeable people who actually listen, and I'm grateful for that.
LOL Thanks, Kraggy. Looking back at that positive stuff made me smile today. :) I'll take it.
Doing a bit more writing and such still. I actually had a good few hours because while expanding one of the essays, I had a GOOD memory pop up. I was seven and we were just doing a day road trip while we were in South Korea to see the country. We stopped at a small roadside Buddhist shrine. Male parental unit was actually rather respectful. But I felt very peaceful and calm there and the two monks in attendance were adults I actually didn't feel nervous or afraid to be around. I was allowed to make a small donation and light some incense, and the monk who showed me how to hold the incense snuck a tiny carving of Buddha into my hand. I don't know what eventually happened to it, but I do know the male parental unit never found it. I remember feeling like someone outside the family finally saw me for real. I can't imagine what they thought of this random white family that showed up out of nowhere, but I feel like maybe they simply saw a child in need of some serenity and kindness for a few minutes.
It's kind of relieving to know there are some good memories in all that mess, even if they're slow to come out.
Processing a very unpleasant memory lately. Lots of random crying throughout the day. It involved spanking at an age way too old for it. The anger and hurt and humiliation hit like a brick all over again. So sick of crying.
I am here to offer as much of a gentle presence as may be welcome.
Lots of gentle support to you, Cactus Flower. I have violent unkind thoughts toward MPU right now just thinking about what you went through and how that spanking would layer on top of it all.
Thank you, Armee and rainy. The care and support here means a lot to me and is very appreciated.
I didn't get a chance to comment on your prior post with the good memory and what a beautiful memory and act that was.
Thank you, Armee. it's definitely something I'm treasuring and taking comfort in lately.
:'( :'(
Down today. Upset someone I never ever wanted to upset.
Another huge thing. I got my first denial letter from SSI/SSDI yesterday in the mail. I have a call out to my bro's lawyer for an initial consultation to start the first appeal and am just waiting for a call back. I know this is normal, but I guess a part of me did have hope. I'm doing okay so far and my BFF is helping with rent, but this severely pushes my anxiety buttons over money. So now I'm both anxious AND depressed. That combo makes for nausea. ugh. I think I'm just gonna lay down cause I'll be crying no matter what else I do. Also ramps up the pain that they clearly don't understand. Just... ugh.
:bighug: Money issues ramp up my anxiety too. :grouphug:
Money stress and the rejection after putting so much into that application...ugh laying down and crying sounds like the right thing for right now. You are right that you need to fight it though. Sad that they put people through this. Gentle hugs to you too.
[I'm also blaming my post(s) and feeling bad. But I know that's not what our friend intends or wants.]
Hugs to all! And we're good, Armee. We learn from each other, as you said. Still open for hugs.
Yeah, the disability system in the USA bites. I didn't get a call back from the lawyer yet, but I'll call them again Monday if I don't hear by the afternoon. They're only M-F 8-5 anyway. I'm honestly trying not to think about it currently so I don't get into a major funk.
At least the heatwave broke. We're now in what they call locally the monsoon season. Really, that just means that it rains a little bit, it's not a huge thing like in a tropical country. I'm sitting here without all the fans on, so that nice for a change. Got about a week before the BFF comes back from vacation. Maybe I'll do some more writing, we'll see.
we're good too, CF. no one here has hurt me. it was a reality bites thing. my own stuff. i really appreciate those hits of reality cuz they help normalize what my reality actually is.
sorry about the SSI - my D and i are also dealing with it and it's a royal pain. sending love and a hug filled with support while you muddle thru their bureaucracy. it's a really hard row to hoe. :hug:
Thank you, san. Knowing how the system works definitely doesn't make it work faster. I've set the letter aside for the moment where I know it will be okay, yet not directly in my view to keep upsetting me.
On a positive note, although the lawyer didn't call me back Friday, I did get an email that he was out of town on a long weekend and would contact me Tuesday. A reply like that shows me he at least understands good customer/client relations. He has my bro's case, and my bro says he is good about getting back to people. So I feel a little less anxious after reading that email and will just wait til Tues.
Enjoy your rains and cooler weather! Setting that letter aside where you won't see it and focusing on the positives with the lawyer's responsiveness is so healthy!
I hope writing is healing and productive when you turn back to it. Do you have new assignments?
Gosh yeah. It's not due until the... 29th? ish? it's every two weeks. I read super fast, so I've already read the chapters in the books. This one is all about the "hook", or how you start in a way that engages the reader. So we'll be writing potential first paragraphs. Of course, everyone is aware that these are just trials/really rough drafts and things can change as you write, so there's no pressure for it to be perfect or even the one you'll actually use. I'm thinking of starting either with my BFF's conversation about the ACEs test or maybe even the initial trigger.
it's been raining for hours here now, but it smells so good and feels so fresh coming through the windows. There's not really much wind at all, so I'm doing ok. Windy storms bother me a lot more than just thunder and rain. I also love the sound of rain on the roof.
i, too, enjoy those sounds of nature, of weather, CF. so glad you have some of that to freshen the air and everything around you. keep going. love and hugs :hug:
As I was reading your post, I noticed how interesting it was that you shared about writing and also about rain falling and a feeling of freshness. It made me wonder if writing will bring that sense of freshness to the mind and body.
Those both sound like great openers, Sage!
rainy, writing brings a sense of satisfaction to me, a way to get into a different life/environment for a while, so, in a sense, there is a type of freshness that spills over into my real life. often, (i've had falling to sleep problems for a long time) i'll think about where my story is going as i lay in bed, and it has a comforting quality to it, one that doesn't let those other nastier thoughts in, and i much more easily and gently fall asleep. hug:
Hugs to all and thank you. San, I'll have to try thinking of my writing then and see if it helps.
I read a workbook for survivors of CSA through my library's ereader thing, Hoopla. It's pretty useful compared to spending money I don't have on books I don't know will help or not. I found myself crying through a lot of it, having to take breaks and such. One particular line (which I won't repeat here) talked about how fast abuse can happen, or in how little time. It's really bothering me. I feel like there's some awful connection to it. When the line crosses my mind, I start crying, I start bouncing my leg or picking at my skin, and my brain is all "nope nope nopey nope". I think I need to dwell with this a while. There's several pieces to process.
As a distraction, Better World Books.com has a gigantic selection of mostly used books at great prices, free shipping on most, and is an environmentally conscious company. Also, it's not Amazon. I've bought books there a few years now. I just purchased "Courage to Heal" used for about $5. There seems to be a lot of positive reviews, so for that price, I'll read it. Should be here in a week or so.
I can't imagine how much strength it takes to be ready to start reading books and doing workbooks on this topic, Sage. It sounds like there's a lot a lot of resonance with the piece about how quick it can happen and that "nope nopety nope nope" reaction is important. :heythere:
Yeah, I have to just pace myself and not read something in large chunks.
Another positive note, I've spoken with the Lawyer and have an initial appointment for next week on Weds to start the process. That really takes some anxiety away. Plus, I keep EVERYTHING and have a divided organized file folder. So I'll just concentrate on being organized to have what I need. Big deep breath.
breathing right alongside you, CF. hope it goes well w/ the lawyer.
that passage stating how fast abuse can happen and in how little time gave me a little gut punch, too. it really doesn't take much for abuse to be present and consequently hold fast to us over time. 'stop crying - you'll get over it' is a phrase too many of us have heard, taken internally, and brought into our own framework of self as being faulty for not being able to shake this crapola off.
sorry, i wandered a bit. love and hugs to you, CF. :hug:
Hugs right back, san, thank you. I totally heard something very similar back then. It's most of why I find it extremely difficult to cry in front of other people. When I do, it still feels like something very shameful and weak. The more I do this work, the more I see how it influenced every little thing I do, just about. Ya know?
My behind the desk wave was supposed to be a group hug! So here's the emoti I was going for! :grouphug:
Your organization is for sure an asset in this battle with the bureaucracy. It's really frustrating they make people fight for benefits they need and deserve.
Quote from: CactusFlower on June 23, 2022, 03:45:57 PM
It's most of why I find it extremely difficult to cry in front of other people. When I do, it still feels like something very shameful and weak. The more I do this work, the more I see how it influenced every little thing I do, just about. Ya know?
This resonates with me and my experiences. I am glad we have each other for support.
yep,CF, i know what you mean all too well. it's really difficult for me to not be triggered by almost anything anywhere anytime. triggers are everywhere for me, and my responses nearly take over my life. hopefully, i'm making some ground w/ healing from it all.
i'm w/ rainy on the idea of being so glad we have such meaningful and knowing support here. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you and hugs back, san, rainy, and Armee. The place has truly been such as asset in this journey, I'm grateful to have found it and met ya'll. grouphug!
A little better today. BFF made it back from his vacation yesterday. I made a bbq beef roast in the slow cooker for dinner, it turned out well. Very tender. He had a pretty relaxing trip, other than a pyrex pan breaking in the oven at his sister's place. Everyone's fine, but quite surprised.
I had a strange dream last night, but I think it was a good one? I creamed I was at a job with a new boss and she was yelling at me about some meeting I'd missed that she never told me anything about. I waited until she was done, calmly pointed out how I couldn't have known, then told her if she has a problem, talk to me in public but I wouldn't stand there and be yelled at like a kid with an abusive parent. Then I woke up, heart racing and adrenaline cold from the fear of talking back and fear of getting fired in the dream. But the boundary setting in a dream was a positive, I think. I'll mention it to my T tomorrow.
I'm really having to regulate/reduce my reading of news and social media at the moment. A lot of things the right wingers say about the lack of bodily autonomy is very triggering. So... yeah. Just ugh.
I agree Sage, 100% with you both on limiting news at the moment and that the qct of setting boundaries in your dream seems very positive even though it was also an upsetting dream. Your brain is practicing! That's actually truly amazing to me!
hey, CF, i agree w/ armee about the practicing part, like your brain is rehearsing boundary setting for real life. i get that it was/could be frightening, especially when you're not used to it, but it sounds like your mind is getting more comfy w/ the idea of it. i think that's real progress. love and hugs :hug:
Well, that went very well yesterday. The lawyer is a very kind and approachable guy, very good at what he does, and accepted my case. (He also is good about replying quickly). It amused me that he was wearing sandals and a hawaiian shirt. (single lawyer office, not a group) He complimented how I had printed copies of everything and seemed "with it" and agreed that my years of experience in the healthcare industry was a bonus. He explained everything very well and took my case. As my bff said, they don't take cases they think they can't win. My anxiety was high upon the visit, but his competency and friendliness helped a lot.
Oh, and a super positive note? He asked my pronouns and how I identified! Very cool. Unfortunately, federal government doesn't recognize anything but male or female, but I'm used to that. Still, I was impressed that he did that.
For those on here not in the US, this is the first appeal level for social security disability that will be decided by a judge. Most people will not win without a lawyer. When the person wins, the lawyer gets paid out of the back pay award up to a maximum amount cap (25% or $6000 at most). The only cost I will have out of pocket is anything he has to pay for record copies.
Oh that's so great Sage!
LOL, thanks, Armee and Blueberry.
some books I ordered came today. (I love better world books dot com for their used prices) Stephen King "On Writing", "The Courage to Heal" and "The Courage to Heal Workbook." I finished the Courage to Heal (it actually came separately last week) and I like it. Obviously, some of the resource info is rather outdated, but the rest is good. And frankly, very little of it is what I'd call gender specific. It's good for anyone, in my opinion. I look forward to doing the writing the workbook has. The Stephen King one was recommended by my BFF and gets great reviews.
Relatively relaxed here. Tomorrow night's family dinner will be Taco night! Yum. Lots of build your own and salsa and chips, etc. BFF did find out last night that an old ex of his apparently passed away this past February. He's ok but kinda processing, of course. I let him know I'm here even if he just needs company. You can despise someone and still grieve a loss. Sometimes we don't so much grieve what we had as we do grieve what could have been.
CF, thanks for the info on the disability appeal stuff. we have that going on here, too. i'm so glad you got a lawyer who seems approachable and competent. best of luck to you with this. love and hugs :hug:
Taco night went very well. We also played a game called Rummikube. it's kinda like Gin, but with numbered tiles. That was fun.
Stephen King's book about writing is wonderful. I'm only halfway through, but it's great. Not only to learn about his early life and all, but his very no-BS approach to writing is easy to read, like talking to a friend. This one's a keeper.
It's the 4th of July holiday weekend in the states now. I so hate random fireworks. Some idiot in the neighborhood has been setting them off at night since the 1st. I've explored a lot about why sudden loud noises really bother me. The male parental unit frequently found it funny to scare me using loud noises in various ways. So that makes for a cruddy weekend, and probably until Weds at least. If I have to, I'll nap during the day instead.
hi, CF,
i can get startled by noises as well, large or small. my S used to jump out at me and scare/startle me when we were young. it doesn't take much, but it did enough. it's a weirdly terrible thing, that hyper-startle response. here's hoping you get thru this holiday as smoothly as possible. love and hugs :hug:
Hi CactusFlower,
I remember reading Stephen King's book about writing too, and I loved it as well. I've been appreciating hearing about your experiences with the writing course, as it's inspiring me to think about memoir writing too.
Hope :)
Wow, writing the memoirs does bring up more and more. At least the occasional good memory is resurfacing, because the bad ones are really bad. I googled the average length of a book of memoirs and it's 60-80,000 words. Dear heavens. I have barely a third-ish of that and it feels like a lot already.
Working through the Courage to Heal Workbook. it's okay so far. Definitely some things to bring up with my therapist. She was off this week due to the holiday, so I have to wait until Monday.
Just feeling down in general. I think it's a combo of all the stuff that's come up so far and that I didn't get decent sleep the last couple nights. Idiots with fireworks. Blah.
I wish you well as the memories come up and hope that you are able to get some firework free sleep.
so glad about the occasional good memory coming up for you, CF. writing can unblock things for us that thinking and speaking often don't. i admire all your effort w/ this memoir. love and hugs :hug:
Gentle hugs Sage. It's only fair that some good memories come to cushion the blows of the really bad ones. I hope the fireworks have settled now for you and people aren't still lighting off leftovers.
I also have an MPU (step) who delighted in terrifying us with sounds...one memory of being laughed at by many drunk adults as I wailed in fear at the sound of fireworks and ambulances on the 4th, another of him scaring us in the middle of the night camping pretending to be a bear clawing our tent. Jerks.
Thank you, Armee, san, and rainy. Fortunately, there were only 1 or two pops the night after and that was it.
Armee, I get ya on the sounds thing. balloon popping, snapping a leather belt, those screamer fireworks... It was all terrible. The bear thing, that's awful. HUGS
I'm sorry Sage. That sounds so terrible. How do people do this to children. To their own children. Any child. I don't understand.
Sending :hug: :hug: Sage
Thanks, Armee and Blueberry.
Been working little bit by little bit on the Courage to Heal Workbook. It's actually pretty useful. I did have to force myself to get over the issue I have about never writing in a book. The first bits are about learning what safety means and how to create it. My stuff was what I expected it would be. Some of the questions, though... I have just been writing whatever comes out and it's very strange to see what the subconscious says when given free rein. Understandably, a lot of my safety issues center around how I control my environment and who has access to me. I also tend to catastrophize easily around responsibility. Things like "If I don't do X, then Y will happen and we'll be homeless and starve." It's going to take a LOT of work to not have those doomsday reactions. I've also realized that I probably needed help a lot earlier in my life and just dismissed things as unimportant or normal when they weren't. Self-harm, depression, things I never told anyone.
Part of the building our support network from the book involves reaching out. I know I have huge issues with that. I'm going to (this coming week) attend an online meeting of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. I found one that's specifically accepting of my gender and orientation, so here's hoping that will help me work on my trust issues. It's every afternoon M-F and they say try 6 in a row to give it a chance. So... Yeah, I'll give it a chance from what I've read.
Sage thats amazing that you are going to try to do that support group for 6 days in days in row. And I'm so glad you found one that is welcoming.
I really relate to your difficulty writing in a book. I don't know if our reasons are the same but that is one thing that keeps me from doing that stuff. It's inspiring to read about you doing the workbooks and the writing.
Can I ask a question? How do you deal with the amount of stuff that needs to come out? When I think about sitting down to write I am so overwhelmed by all the different topics that are bursting to be let out all at once I get so jumbled.
I have multiple reasons I find it hard to write in books. A-textbooks were always given back at the end of the year in school, so I didn't mess them up. B-I read really fast, so I had to get books from the library rather than buy a lot. C-Books were my escape (I'm older than computers, lol) when I needed them and I "respected" those treasures. So for me, If I wrote in a book, it was because it was important enough to keep and I knew I wouldn't change my mind about what I wrote. That's been hard to get past, really.
Yesterday was hard. I realized it was 9 years yesterday since I lost Mom. How can it be so long? It's been really hard when the painful stuff comes up because I do find myself wanting my Mommy for comfort, then the loss hurts again. I'm also recognizing MY addictive behavior was never drugs or booze or smoking or whatever. it's comfort food. yeah, I had 3/4 of a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream yesterday. Great, something else to work on. Sigh. Good thing therapy is today. And the first ACA meeting right after.
The amount of stuff.... Whoooeee. If a specific memory comes up, I'll write it out at the speed I am capable of right then and go back to it in a day or week to see if anything else pops up. For non-specific stuff, I freewrite or pick a topic. For example, since I was an Air Force dependent who lived overseas, I wrote about having to move very year or so and how that impacted me. It also fed into writing about my fear of abandonment, which the male parental unity played on. I've had some freewriting pages where two or three things just come out and later, I go back and expand each of those into its own paper. They're not huge, I'm running about 2-5 pages double spaced so far. But just having them out and on screen kinda of helps a little with distancing myself from the memory so it's not so "here and now". Not completely, but it helps. And a couple have definitely brought up more forgotten details when I went back to them. I think it's important to let them sit a little while so they're not too overwhelming. Some may only come out a paragraph at a time before I start crying. But yeah, don't try to have a goal, just start writing, even if it's "I'm here, this feels ridiculous, why am I writing now?" Just let it flow no matter how jumbled.
Gentle hugs and good luck!
CF, i think the idea of joining an online ACA support group is an excellent idea. i've heard as well about giving something new like this 6 times. i've done that w/ both T's and groups, and it can be surprising how much things can either change w/in the dynamic or be clarified that it's not for you. best to you with this - i hope you find it helpful. i've been to a lot of different 12-step groups, and have been able to get something from nearly all of them. love and hugs :hug:
:hug: Thanks, san! Had the second meeting today. I felt strange. Not bad strange, just... I don't know. weirded out a little? The meetings are scripted to stay within the times, but some of the responses felt odd to me. Like the host saying "You were heard" after every person who shared. At first, it felt funny, like, "they sound like a cult". But then I took a step back and asked myself, why am I resistant to this? What's causing this resistance?
I think a lot of it stems from the childhood trauma and our attachment problems. I realized there's nothing wrong with them, I just have a very difficult time accepting that someone can come from a place of support and acceptance without it having conditions put on it. Not trusting that what they call love really is. Like, they say something like "You're loved and supported here" and my lizard brain goes all "red flag! red flag! Nobody does that and means it!" Which is kind of a sad reaction when I stop and think about it. So I'll keep on and try to open up more to them, but it's not easy, obviously. I've only shared my name and pronouns so far, but I presume I'll eventually feel able to share. Might take longer to actually be on camera, though.
As a side note, I talked about it with a friend of mine who's in AA. He said it can feel weird at first, but those scripted responses can also become cues, signs that you're in a safe space with similar people. Something comforting. That actually made sense. So, yeah. 3rd one tomorrow. (they're all about midday for me)
i agree, they can feel weird, that whole acceptance thing when they don't know you or anything about you, CF. the overwhelming majority of my experiences w/ these types of groups have been supportive and accepting, and i kept coming back for years. still, if it doesn't end up feeling right for you after a fair chance, you don't have to return. that's always an option, no strings attached, no reasons or excuses needed.
best to you, again, as you continue. hope it works out well for you. love and hugs :hug:
I'm really proud of you for going. Many people myself included wouldn't even get past the resistance to step through the (virtual) door. That's really open of you to already be able to take an honest look at your reactions to the scripted responses and I'm so glad your friend with AA experience could corroborate the role of those scripted results.
And thank you for sharing more about how you triage and manage writing.
And I'm sending you some supportive hugs to get through the anniversary of your mom's death.
Thank you, Armee!
So far, so good. I do like the group I'm in as it's very accepting and even has people share their pronouns when speaking. I tried a different one in the evening that was women-only, but bailed because there was a lot more pressure to share and introduce one's self right off the bat. Today will be the 4th one with the good group. I was also worried that I wouldn't currently be able to afford the main text they work with, but serendipity strikes again! My bff has a copy I can have and an online member offered me the e-version until I can buy my own. So I can take a universal hint, LOL. We'll see how this goes.
The memoir class is over. While I learned a few things and the reference books are useful, the class itself wasn't really worth the price my BFF paid. He didn't even bother with the last assignment. The teacher is nice, but most of her "teaching" is providing links to other people's work and a few comments on whatever you submitted. There wasn't really even much interaction with others past the first one. Oh well. It got me to start writing, and I'm perfectly able to find other resources on my own now. No new memories have come up lately, but I'll take the lull. It does give me the chance to go back over some of the earlier pieces and check grammar, active voice, little things like that.
Also still working through the Courage to Heal workbook. This part is all about how you nurture yourself when you need it. I already knew a few things, but it's helpful to write them down as a list I can refer to. You also ask other people what they do, and there's been some good answers. most do seem to have getting outside and/or in nature as one. I like the one person who put "a big bowl of mac and cheese". Not terribly healthy, but I can see how it's comforting.
I'm going to have a lot to talk about with my T tomorrow. I've done 6 meetings now for the ACA and I'm going to stick with the program. There's a lot of things that overlap in working on stuff, so I think it'll help a lot. It's also affirming to get into a space that's truly safe where you're unconditionally accepted and supported by people who completely understand because they've been through similar stuff. At least you can take it at your own pace, which is important for me.
The Courage to Heal workbook was interesting yesterday. I was writing in the section about admitting it and remembering, and one of the exercises was to complete the sentence, "If I remember the abuse, I:". I did those by just quickly and free-writing the answers that came to the pen. I'm not putting them here because I think they'd be highly triggering. Let's just say I was surprised at both the content and intensity of what I wrote.
I also need to talk to her about conferring with my med doc there and possibly separating my diagnoses for Social Security. Apparently they don't usually understand that panic attacks, anxiety, depression, etc are a part of PTSD, so it might be useful to have them as separate piece of the puzzle. We'll see. I mean, you would think they would given that it's in the mainstream awareness, but i suppose some people just know what Hollywood shows it as.
Family dinner was very yummy last night, then we sat around and chatted. We sometimes play games (card, dominoes, board games, etc.), but we've decided to sometimes watch movies too. My BFF is 15 years older than me, and my bro is 11 years younger, so there are quite a few things one person has seen that the others haven't. LOL We did have a healthy discussion about what each of us really don't like and don't want to see, so that felt... I dunno. mature? Healthy? Whatever, it was good to all be on the same page. (like, I hate gory horror, bro hates creepy paranormal or self-deprecating humor, BFF isn't' into musicals, etc.) That should be fun going forward. Between me and the BFF, we have most of the major streaming services, ha ha. Yay for chosen family! :)
The ACA has a version of the Serenity prayer I kinda like. (you can put whatever you want in the place of "God" in the prayer. I use "Universe".) God (Higher Power) grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
the courage to change the one I can
and the wisdom to know that one is me.
:thumbup:
i love that serenity prayer, CF. it really covers a whole range of issues re: people in our lives. and i'm so glad the group is working for you. very nice to have another supportive tool in your belt.
that workbook sounds intense. for a minute i thought about how i would finish that sentence and . . . i couldn't. my mind wouldn't rest there. i think it's courageous that you let your pen do the talking. well done! :thumbup: love and hugs :hug:
Hah love the serenity prayer!
Good job sticking with those meetings, and the courage to heal workbook.
Gentle hugs as you process what you wrote.
Thank you, Armee and san. Hugs back and I appreciate your support.
Hi CactusFlower,
Sending you a supportive hug, :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks, Hope, I appreciate that! hugs back
My T is reluctant to separate out diagnoses, but her reason makes sense. She says if we did that now, they might find the timing suspicious. Sigh. Bureaucracies. She will be writing a letter for the lawyer about how and why I can't work due to my issues. She's done plenty of those before, so that should be helpful. I'm checking in with the psych next weds about my meds, I'll ask her too.
The ACA meetings continue to be good. I felt comfortable enough to volunteer to read yesterday. (We read the steps and such together in the meetings, things from the book, etc. and take turns as someone puts it onscreen) Even when the topic is about the workplace, I can easily see how I reacted in the past with these qualities as well as how to apply it to other interactive situations. I used to be quite proud of being the admin that everyone knew as easy to get along with and the "go-to" person if you needed to know or find something. It was a big fawn reaction, tons of people pleasing. Yet at the same time, I didn't mind being unnoticed otherwise so no one could find fault with me. I also see where I found it hard to say no if praise was involved. "X, you're really good at that, can you help?" "Umm, sure." Not healthy for me. As for the meetings, since getting the literature and finding a good group worked out well, I'm opening it up to the Universe that I'm ready for a sponsor to help me work the program. (I say universe because "Higher Power" to me does NOT mean "God.") We'll see how that goes.
Other than that, I've been trying to stay cool indoors. This heatwave, ugh. I do live in a desert climate, but this day after day of 102, 104 degrees F are NOT normal and are miserable. Even the poor kitties just lay around between drinks of water. Still, I'd rather deal with this any day instead of being too cold, but that's another story. Thank goodness for evaporative coolers and good fans.
hey, CF
i learned about manipulations a long time ago, and one of them was compliments such as you describe. i know it can be hard to say no when praise is involved, but many people use that as a way to get us to do what they want. when you think about how it makes it more difficult to say no to what they want, it's because they're using a manipulation. stick to yourself, what feels good for you, and leave their manipulation behind. we've been trained to be people-pleasers in order to get that praise we so want.
good luck w/ the soc. sec. - my D is going thru that process right now, so know you're not alone in this. i'm glad your T is going to help. we just have to keep slogging thru the crapola of bureaucracy, but as my D's T told her, your health is more important than the system. do what you need to do, ok? right beside you on this. love and hugs :hug:
thanks for the hugs, san, those are always welcome.
Didn't have family dinner last night. BFF was feeling crappy and triggered, so we'll do it next weekend. I did manage to cheer him up a little by email, but I totally understand needing sudden downtime. Been doing okay so far otherwise. Writing is in a little lull, but the workbook is still okay. I was excited to see Marvel's plans at Comic-Con for upcoming phases. I'm a huge Marvel fan, lol. Mostly I've just been trying to stay cool. I do have a meds check-in Weds. Also, I got my letter that the check-up mammogram is next month, so I need to schedule that. It sure doesn't feel like 6 months already. This one should be fine, then they'll go back to not as often. I'm grateful for a place that understands my anxiety and does what they can to help. I also need to schedule the check-in for my aching hands.
I don't want to jinx it, but there's a possibility of getting something in front of a real editor in the close future, another project BFF and I wrote. Any positive energy towards that eventually getting published would be welcome.
sending hugs filled w/ positive energy toward your project!!! best of luck, CF! :hug: :grouphug: :bighug: :woohoo:
I am sending energy for your project. :hug:
I also appreciate that you come from a place of understanding when your friend needed some downtime.
Productive but so exhausted today. We went to the grocery store and stocked up on cold and easily reheatable foods. From about 11am on, it's just too hot to cook, and I was getting tired of bagels, cheese, or cereal. LOL I'm hoping having this on hand so as not to use up my energy will help. It was a lot of walking, though, and my hips and knees are done for the day. I also sweat excessively outside in this heat and I just HATE that feeling. I am so grateful for my cooler and fans.
I sent the scanned mammogram letter to my doc's office, then arranged an appointment for my hands aching, so those two things are achieved. I have a check-in with my meds doc tomorrow. There hasn't really been much change if at all. I don't know if there is supposed to be by now, so I have way to judge if anything should change. The Prazosin is just being kinda so-so about the nightmares, but I've also had more memories come back and affect me since we last talked. I'm processing something somewhere in the background, as I have just been crying for no reason/at the slightest thing lately. I was reading about the life of Andrew Carnegie, the rich philanthropist, and how he did so much good for people before and after his death, and teared up. he would HATE American companies these days. But that is definitely not something I'd normally even get emotional about, let alone cry at.
The daily meditations from the ACA site have mostly been eerily appropriate for the day's thoughts each time. and ironically, yesterday's was "On this day I welcome all of my feelings, especially those that are unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I have the tools to work through them in order to mend my broken heart from childhood." I can take a hint, universe. LOL
I hope that the meal solution ends up being supportive and that you can stay as cool as possible.
Positive: Doc put the mammogram referral through already, so I can call them Monday and schedule that for next month. Also got actual dr visit schedule for the hand aches. The cold food has been very helpful so far. My bro is entering finals week for the semester, so he's appreciative of low-effort food also. med check-in this morning in about 45 minutes. I'll come back and journal how that went.
Edit: Notriptyline unchanged, increasing Prazosin slightly due to nightmares. We're good to go for another 2 months.
hang tough in the heat, CF - hangin' right beside you. we'll get thru it. glad your doc visit went well. :thumbup: love and hugs :hug:
Thank you and hugs back, san.
Slight frustration as the last couple days, Zoom suddenly won't recognize or find my camera and mic. Literally nothing changed from day to day, not even a computer update. This kind of stuff is so annoying because fixing it is so often just throwing stuff at it to see what works. I put Zoom on my phone, though, so I can still get to meetings.
Also a little annoyed today at my food. I tried a type of pre-cooked pasta you heat in the micro for 1 minute, and some cheese sauce. Worst tasting crud ever. The pasta was NOT soft enough to be al dente and the cheese sauce was pure salt, IMHO. So I had to toss that. So I got a couple of croissants, put them on my desk where the bowl was, get a drink, then see a super tiny little spider on the napkin. Folded that over and took care of it... But I don't know if it had been on the bowl or was on a croissant, so I couldn't bring myself to eat them and tossed the two croissants. UGH! So I ended up with a handful of pistachios and some organic potato chips, and I'm grumpy. I feel terrible doing that, wasting food was a giant no-no when I was a kid. So there's some fear and anger involved there. I just wanted lunch! The meeting's in an hour, maybe I'll share today and talk about that.
i hate it when my expectations of food go awry, CF, so i totally get your frustration. plus the whole zoom thing, but i'm glad you've found a way to continue w/ your meetings. they sound like they're helping. yay for that! :thumbup: love and hugs :hug:
Hugs back, san!
I tried re-installing the windows Zoom client, and that seems to have worked, fingers crossed. I'm certainly hoping, because sound quality on the phone isn't quite as good if someone is softer-spoken.
I did actually share about my fear and anger frustrations with food, and that helped. There really is something powerful about being in a space you can count on to respect you. (interrupting, commenting on, and referring to someone's share is forbidden.)
I'm sending calm energy to my bro, this and next is finals week for him. it's biology and genetics, so it's pretty intense. He also appreciated having low-spoon foods to eat. :)
Lots of luck coming your way for publication on your project!
Ugh how dare that spider ruin your croissants!!
I had to toss those two croissants, but after careful inspection, I'm fine with the rest. :)
My T is skipping this week as she will see if she gets picked for jury duty or not. It should be okay and I do have the ACA meetings everyday. That has been quite helpful, really. I did come to a realization, though. These places are safe spaces by intention. Yet I still haven't turned my camera on. I was thinking about why, and the issue is all with me. There are all kinds of people in there, and it's great. The potential for ridicule and shame is what's holding me back from turning on that camera. Yet this is the perfect test environment to do so. To relax that little bit of attempting to control a situation. I stayed a little bit after the Saturday meeting (a different but good group) and chatted. There are several people in there that are just wonderful. You're supposed to ask someone to be a sponsor or a fellow Traveler when you find someone you click with because the healing can't be done in isolation. The Saturday meeting has someone I might consider asking to be my sponsor. We'll see. This starts my 4th week of meetings and they're a great supplement to the therapy. They can't replace it and aren't meant to, but it helps that I know there is somewhere I can go and share about what's bugging me, if I need to.
Also realized I need to return to my meditation/Buddhist practice. It did bring me a lot of peace. I let it lapse when I was first triggered and all this started, but I'm at a place where it can help again. It's very... calming? Supportive? Comforting, that's the word. Knowing I have that waiting for me to return to it. Even if there are days that's the only 15 minutes of peace I get, I'll take it.
One of the frustrating things about doing all this healing work is how it makes me question the littlest things. When I realize so much can be related to my trauma, it makes me look at all my habits/like/dislikes/whatever and analyze them. Or is it overanalyzing?
I was eating some gummy candy yesterday and had to wash my hands afterwards. I can deal with a lot of different things on my hands and I don't normally have texture issues. Separating raw chicken, repotting plants, painting, dust, craft glue, whatever. Those and more don't bother me.
But I utterly, utterly, HATE when my hands are sticky. Always have. Decades ago, I help some friends process a 5gallon bucket of honeycomb they'd gotten from an apiary. Squeezing the honeycomb wax wasn't the problem. Filtering out other things, ok. Scraping the last off my hands and having to wash 3 times to get the sticky off? revolting. (I love honey, btw) Dealing with bread dough? I'm fine once it gets past the sticky stage. Grossed out until then. Aaaaaand I just realized just now, those are organic substances. I do crafts, always have, and various types of actual glue doesn't bother me. Whether it's runny like superglue or thick like hot or wood glue, no prob. yes, I know some glues are made from organic things, but it doesn't feel the same. And part of my mind is really shying away hard from thinking about why I hate having sticky hands. It doesn't really nauseate me, it makes me angry and disgusted.
And I need to talk about anything else now. Anyhow, I'm really liking the ACA groups. I saw a lack out there of a non-meeting safe place for people who LGBTQIA+ and/or a non-mainstream religion who are in recovery programs. Oh there's Pagans In Recovery and Buddhist Recovery and other stuff, but they're mostly websites, maybe forums like this is here. There's not anything I can find that's a more immediate, potentially realtime way to connect. So, I'm creating a Discord server for people to interact on. A good way for people to support each other that isn't a text or phone call. I really hope it's successful. I'm still in the building stage and have some friends who will test functionality for me. Fingers crossed.
Hey. Sending some gentle support. It makes sense that the disgust and discomfort comes from specific types of substances. One of many ways the body is keeping the score. I'm sorry, Sage. I'm not sure if it'll be true for you but I've found when I really recognize and understand a trigger like that...it tends to lose its power, but until I understand what's happening it persists. Perhaps that sensation will become more tolerable once you see it for what it really represents and let that anger and disgust have its rightful say. It isn't ok and I'm sorry.
Your discord group sounds like such a great idea and I bet you'll make it a really supportive safe place for people. :thumbup:
Thank you, Armee. Yeah, it takes work to ease the gut reaction and I know that work will happen. My body does seem to bring things up in degrees so I can not totally check out when it surfaces. I appreciate your empathy.
Work continues on the Discord server. My bro's last final of the semester is today, so he can help me test it after then. I'm so proud of him, he's done so well in his Bio class that he technically didn't even have to attend the last lab, but did anyway. But goodness has this heavy science semester been intense for him. Summer's always packed into far less time anyway.
I downloaded an app I used to have for meditating. (Medito, I love their voices) I'm going to try to get back in the habit again. Not only for calming and mindfulness practice, but to enhance my spirituality. I was in too much survival mode since this all started to pay any attention to that, but I think I'm in a place now where I can reincorporate it little by little. Back in my abusive relationship, some of the only times I felt peace were when I could close the door and meditate.
And real life calls. My cat is complaining to me because he can see an inch or two of the bottom of the bowl, which indicates he may starve before I get to the kitchen. He's such a dramatic boy, LOL. The other cat is just laying there and looking at me like "Really? can you ask him to keep it down, Mom?" LOL fur kids.
what a crack up about your cat! my D's cat does the same thing!!! too funny.
good luck w/ your new venture. it sounds important and valuable! love and hugs :hug:
hugs, san, thank you. :)
Just a quick funny positive thing this morning. I'm on a discord server for people with CPTSD, and chatting with someone in the food channel. turns out they live in the city in Sweden I have an ancestor from. (I love genealogy). What a cool thing! We're talking right now about the foods I might like to try making.
I enjoyed reading about the connection you made on Discord.
very cool. enjoy!!! love and hugs :hug:
Hi :heythere:
Could you please tell me how to find a discord server for people with CPTSD? I'm on one for something else because someone invited me but I don't really know how to use discord aside from that.
I have a Buddhist practice too, I chant. It's hard for me to do consistently but it's so good for me when I do. It is good to have something like that to turn to, isn't it?
hugs, rainy and san! Thank you! Bach, I'll private message you the invite links. The CPTSD Discord I'm on has a lot of really good people. and the ranting channel has a way to set trigger warnings off and on, which is very cool. lots of topics, lots of resources, I really like checking in on there too.
And yeah, I've got a long way to go before I have consistency, but it something that feels good and right. And learning compassion and kindness for one's self is not easy, but so worth it. :hug: May you, I, and all sentient beings know loving kindness.
CF, I am also interested in the name of the Discord server if you wouldn't mind sharing in DM.
I hope you keep finding steps towards self compassion and self kindness.
Well, the server seems to be going decently. I'm playing with the "have to agree to the rules" page, but I've had 9 or 10 people join so far. I'm being cautious and asking permission in some areas to post about the server. I don't want to be a spammer or break rules. So that's a positive.
I talked to my T yesterday about the sticky hands thing and she was actually positive about my looking at things to see if they're related to my trauma. It's not over-analyzation right now, it's understanding and seeing how broadly and deeply the trauma affected so much of me.
I have my meds refilled finally, the pharmacy got ahold of the doc to get the refills on the right dosage. I don't know why they hadn't deleted the old one, but whatever. I definitely noticed my anxiety spiking again after only 4 or 5 days off it.
I had my doc visit for the aching at the base of the thumbs. I've got to go get xrays in the next few days, then she might refer me to an orthopedist to see if they want to do anything. I knew it was more likely arthritis and not tendonitis. But they gotta rule crud out, even if you know your own body really well.
Hi Sage. Your T sounds really good and gentle. I agree that it's not overanalying. Noticing these things is important to healing (in my limited experience at least), even though at first it's upsetting to see how much it's affected everything.
Taking it slow and cautious on keeping the discord space safe is very smart, to stay by the original goals.
I hope there's some way to get relief from the arthritis part of the FM. I remember when I was struggling with something like that for a couple years and everything hurt. My joints would hurt so bad and one night I literally watched my finger joint swelll and form a new lump on the joint that stayed. I was like welp! Not imagining THAT! I don't suffer from this anymore I don't know if healed from treating a gut infection or from therapy but it sucked to hurt all the time all over...joints, muscles, tissue. So I hope that at some point in the future this beast will leave you alone.
Any word from disability benefits or the lawyer?
Hey, Armee-
yeah, it's gotten to the point that sometimes it's hard to grip large mugs and stuff, and I have those lever/twister things for opening cans and jars. It's not all the time, but it can be frustrating. I'm just glad to get x-rays because it's a way of proving what I already know, if that makes sense. Like I knew I had bad knees, and the xrays proved osteoarthritis in them.
No word yet on the disability front in general. My T wrote a great detailed letter for the case as to why my CPTSD means I can't work at all, and the lawyer promptly sent me a copy along with a copy of the "proof of submission" where he uploads such documents. The average time around here for a case to even get to court is about 10 months, and I started with him in July. Sigh. But I can make it until then otherwise and have good kind people helping me, so I'm grateful for that. Til then, I'm just hanging in there and doing the work, ya know? :) :hug:
I hope this process ends up supportive of you in the long run. I am often overwhelmed by the amount of bias and prejudice and outright oppression built into our systems especially systems of support. I hope we can all keep working toward a time when supports are given in a normalized way where we accept and understand we are all different and need different things to be.
:yeahthat:
my D and i are also in the process of the disability stuff, and it does take a long time. i'm glad you have kind and generous people around to support you as you go thru it. it's a jungle! love and hugs :hug:
You really are doing the work, Sage. :cheer:
Thank you, rainy, san and armee. Grouphug! :)
Today was pretty good. The x-rays were over with quickly. The hospital system was one I hadn't been to before, so they had to create a system-wide account. I was highly impressed because they had a for for preferred name, pronouns, gender, sexuality, worship preference, and had lots of options as well as write-in options. I felt very valid and heard. They still have to narrow down some options in the computer since they get federal government funds and such, but they treat people with respect. I was glad to see it.
Then we went to a special shoe store, as I needed new shoes that were orthopedically correct and fit by certified professionals. (I have small, but wide feet and some edema swelling) It wasn't going to be in the budget, but my bro wanted to pay for them. Part of my work is learning to trust and actually accept help when it's offered. (wow, it's hard sometimes) So he did, and I have excellent shoes that will last at least 8 years. The brand is Drew, and I've had them before in my life. Very good quality. It was actually slightly easier to walk around and even felt a little better for my knees. Plus, fitting that well means relatively easy on and off. That was kind of him, so I treated us to boba tea and lunch on the way home. :)
Hmm. Let me take a pic here of the shoes. it'll show up when Kizzie has time, so no rush.
congrats, CF, not only on the great shoes but also to that medical system which allows individuals to be exactly who they are. win-win! i'm glad things went smoothly for you. love and hugs :hug:
Hugs, San! Thank you. yeah, you gotta take the good days where you can, right? :)
Weird dreams last night. I swear, the Prazosin reduces the frequency of nightmares, but it feels like my regular dreams have topics that I wouldn't normally think of. So last night, part of it was that I was working in/hanging out in this place that was part bar or pub and part weed dispensary/store. Like, you could have a drink or a joint in there. Funny if you think about it. But no one was going to excess on either one. it was just like any other local place with regulars from the community. Then the last part of the night, I was talking with someone who'd purchased an electric car to replace the one he previously had, and I was plugging it in to help him charge. it took a minute because plugging the one end into the car was apparently upside down from the previous way. I then chatted for a while as it charged, talking about mileage and how cute the car was, etc. I don't give a poop about cars in real life and don't even drive, so I have no idea where that come from. Very odd and funny.
Just mainly resting today from the running around yesterday. My orange cat has gas and I've called him a jerk for stinking up the room twice now. I laugh a lot, but I hope he doesn't figure out how to do that as a defensive action, HA HA.
Hi Sage,
You mentioning your ginger cat made me laugh. That was funny. ;D
Interesting to hear about your dreams last night. Especially the one with the electric car.
Hope you enjoy your day mainly resting, that sounds good.
Hope :)
That dream is so weird given you don't care about cars!!!!
:cheer: for your new shoes and for your bro's kindness in paying for those. Pat on the back to you for allowing him to do that for you.
Thanks, NotAlone, Armee, Hope. It's been kinda quiet for the most part. I have had some odd dreams lately where I've gotten angry at someone. Not nightmares, but not my usual fare either.
Meeting with my T should be interesting today. We're going to be trying their new patient portal online where they will have sessions instead of zoom. I get having a comprehensive portal, I just hope this crud works. It can be very frustrating learning new software and I know she wasn't looking forward to it either.
The Discord server is a slow start, but I do have 16 people signed up already. I'll have to re-promote every so often as those messages fall off the radar in the other forums and such. I'd rather it be slow and steady than fast and crash, ya know? One person has a project of recording the daily ACA meditation they put out and uploading it to soundcloud. He has a nice voice for it and I'm all for making stuff more accessible.
The writing is still in a little lull at the moment, but I'm not rushing it. The few memoirs I've read so far about CSA have all been published by SheWritesPress. So that may be a very valid place to look when it's eventually ready. Even if no one takes it, I'll self-publish. But it would be cool not to have to. BFF is starting a writer's critique group in the regional writer's association around here and I'll get in on it. Should be... interesting. As long as I don't have to produce something different every meeting, really. My creativity goes to heck when it's forced to a timeline. Currently, I'm reading "Unspoken Legacy" by Claudia Black. She presents a lot of the trauma information in a very accessible form. It's hard to describe. Similar to "The Body keeps the Score", but with not as many technical aspects and with more case study examples. It's a decent read.
I'm no expert, but when you talk about dreaming about helping someone charge their electric car, perhaps the dream was less about the car (which you have no interest in) but more about the fact that electric cars are a new thing, a major change in our social fabric. Cars are a method of transporting us forward, and electric cars are a way of transporting us into a changing world. E cars are society's quintessential idol that marks "the new future is starting to happen now." I wonder if your brain was feeling like you're starting to participate in a new future, and it associated that with "electric cars", and you actually found yourself participating in the new change.
Also, the idea of being in a pot-bar is also something that's new to most cultures. Pot is finally now legal here in my state, so to us, it's a part of a new, freer world we're just now coming into.
Just by reading about your dream, I feel, in my gut, like it was a real positive message from your brain, that maybe you feel ready to move forward into a new world????
Like I say, I'm no expert, but I am an avid dreamer, and that one felt like a positive dream to me.
good luck w/ the session w/ your T, CF. hope it goes smoothly. also w/ your writing. to get published would be amazing, but my D and i have had good luck w/ self-publishing as well. the writers' critique group sounds interesting. love and hugs :hug:
Also, CactusFlower,
I'm excited to read that you're writing a book. That's a powerful experience. Publishing it can be as expensive as you choose to make it. You can publish it for nearly free if you want to self-publish. Or you can spend tens of thousands if you want to pay people to do all sorts of things like create your cover, and edit, and publish, and promote for you.
One of my very favorite quotes is from author Flannery O'Connor, who said "I write to discover what I know." Writing a book is powerful good healing for people like us with heads full of trauma. We end up teaching ourselves while we try to teach others.
I'm like you though, my creativity works best when there's no deadline.
I've published three fiction novels about a boy who lived a life very similar to mine. I made a lot of mistakes during the publishing that cost me a lot of money. If you ever have simple questions about my experience, just send me a message and I'll be happy to confess to my mistakes or share what I know about each step. When I was writing the books, (which took 7 years) I was in a serious tornado of questions about how to write, and how to publish. It can be as easy as uploading a word file on Amazon.com, or as complicated as contracting with publishers who you don't know if you can trust or not.
I don't promote my books. Since publishing in 2017 I've only sold a couple hundred copies. But that's because I don't promote. I don't care if people read them or not. For me, writing them was where all the healing took place. I HAD to publish them so that I could know, in my heart, that I've exposed my story to the world. I know that a few people read them, and that's all I needed so as to feel like I've been "heard." Now I feel like I'm not alone with my experience anymore. Writing them and putting them on display is where ALL the healing took place for me.
The critique group sounds really potentially helpful! I hope the T appointment goes well.
Armee is right: Critique groups can be invaluable. Of all the things I did while writing my books, the critique groups were the single best thing I did.
The trick, for me, was to not let the honest feedback hurt my feelings. What we write is deeply personal to us, and if someone says it could have been worded better, well, it hurts a little. I used to let it hurt during the meeting, but I'd go home and "put my big-boy pants on" and make myself accept the critique as helpful feedback. I'd follow the good suggestions and rewrite.
I can say my own writing improved a thousand percent because of those critique groups.
Papa Coco- What a great way of looking at it! I think you may be right. Thank you for the insight. Also, thank you for the offer of publishing advice. I do have a poetry book I self-published years ago via lulu.com, so I know that route would also work. I've heard some horror stories from independent authors re: Amazon's self-publishing, but I'd research a lot before choosing. And that publishing was the healing part resonates with me. I can no longer be silent. We'll see about the critique group. I do look forward to getting a little feedback from non-friends, even if the other person's genre isn't my own. At the very least, my BFF is very experienced in leading groups for things. (He's a social worker, LOL)
san and armee- thank you. the tech portal with my therapist worked just fine, let's hope that continues.
I'm sure my writing will ramp up as fall continues as well. Cooler weather has often been a "sip tea and write things" kind of season for me. I feel oddly antsy today for some reason. If I get too bored, I'll straighten the living room a little. Maybe I'll spring for Little Caesar's pizza for lunch, Bro got an A and two B's in his chem and genetics classes. I knew he could do it!
hey, CF, i've also found writing fiction beneficial as a distraction from the real world at times, when i need to get out of my head and into another time and/or place. sending love and much support for your writing career. it's great! :hug:
Way to go bro!!!!
You, bro and BFF are a wonderful chosen family to each other. It's so beautiful to see and read about.
Big smiles, san and Armee- yeah, chosen family makes a huge difference.
I get to go to brunch today with my BFF, then help his set up a social media "presence" as an author. Which means dragging his grumpy butt into this century on Facebook, Twitter, and who knows what else. LOL it took me years to get him on a smartphone, ha ha. He does short stories and screenplay adaptations along with some original screenplays, so he need this presence to help market his stuff. it's kinda sad what publishers expect authors to do anymore, be their own marketing dept and all. But at least he has me as his tech support. :)
No weird dreams lately, but definitely an impending sense of... something. I don't know what, but I can feel it building, like when you know a storm's coming.There's been a couple of times I felt like I was about to cry randomly, but haven't. I suppose I should at least be grateful for my body giving me warning signs. I need to really do some ACA work later this afternoon, though. Having Step One being all about admitting what you're powerless to control and what you actually can control is becoming more and more obvious. Really, Universe, you can quit now, I can take hints. LOL
I'm so amazed at how kindly you lend a hand to so many people. You're a good one.
CactusFlower,
It's interesting what you said about feeling an impending sense of...something.
For what it's worth, for the past three days I've been on edge, and I've been having nothing but trouble with electronics, traffic, my car, my garage doors...even the chip on my daily use credit card just gave out making for some very embarrassing moments at the grocery store check stand. My phone's been ringing every couple of hours with spammers and I've been getting more than average spam attacks on the internet and email.
For me, it's just a good time to hide in the house, not pay any bills or buy anything until the energy of my surroundings starts to calm down again.
CF, feeling an impending sense of something resonates with me deeply. I hope that you make movement with processing and reflecting at your pace.
Thank you, Armee, Papa Coco, and rainy. Your support is so appreciated. :grouphug:
Today was interesting. I got up about 8:15 and as I was brushing my teeth the power went out. Then came on for a few seconds, then out, then on again, then out. BFF texted me to see if we wanted to go get lunch. The power came back on right before we left, but we went anyway. Had a lovely lunch, then decided to hit the international grocery stores. I am grateful I have the ability to try snacks from other countries! It was a lot of shopping, though, and I'm exhausted. We're doing family lunch tomorrow as we're all too tired to do dinner tonight, LOL So it was fun, but I'm definitely down for the count from it. It was significantly cooler and rainy-er today, which is very nice.
I am glad you had a good time and also relate to how exhausting shopping can be.
Love those different snacks! I had one of those Korean fish bean paste icecreams today. Yummy. (Yes it sounds gross if you don't know what it is! ;D )
Thanks, rainy and Armee! I do know what you mean about the ice cream. There's a place here that sells them, I just haven't gotten there yet. But the pics of the ice cream cones shaped like fish are so cute! I'll take photos when we eventually get there.
Another odd dream last night. At first, I'd purchased this ramshackle house a ways away from town and was looking around it to see what needed to be done. A LOT. Broken boards, moss, fireplace that needed cleaning, outbuildings in terrible disrepair, etc. I joked that I needed an archaeologist, not someone in construction. After wandering around for a while, it changed and was now a really nice new home, two levels, excellent outbuildings with storage and extra parking, the whole 9 yards. But I was also having other people move in and it was designed for a group. The people were.... mercenaries? it was like we were spiffing up the place to survive something, or at least have a near-impenetrable home defense. Like, men and women, really nice and kind, but in combat clothes and well-trained in arms and other skills. Near the end, I was outside on the back upper deck. The house was kinda built into a hillside, to the back was level with the hill and the front door was lower. I could see through the windows down into the house (not sure why so much glass was so defensible) as I filled large water bottles, like the 5-gallon delivery kind. I remember thinking as I worked that it was a dumb choice, as I'd have to get someone else to haul the heavy bottle down inside the house. Then I thought about using an "ability" I had, which was the ability to psychically teleport people or things. I could imagine teleporting the bottle down to where it needed to be, but no one knew I could and would probably freak out. Then there was this older wise man standing beside me, telling me I should tell them what I could do and they deserved to know, that they wouldn't freak out or hate me. I was nervous, though, and asked "How do I do that? Just randomly bring up, 'oh hi guys, I'm a mutant, what's for dinner?'" He smiled and said, "Just tell them, then move the water as proof." Then I woke up.
I swear, my brain makes good movie plots sometimes.
That dream is amazing!!!! I for one feel like it's a dream about recovery!
;D I'm kinda hoping it is.
Side note as I cook today. I hate sweating. I don't care what reason there is, it just always feels so gross to me. Great, something else to probably explore.
I have the very exact same reaction, especially anything... well enough said...but once I realized what was happening and why...It helped. The tiniest bit of heat or moisture would make me think i was so gross and disgusting and I'd need everyone to stay away from me and shower 4 times a day to not be gross. Now I can realize I'm not actually gross I just feel that way. It's made grocery shopping a lot easier lol.
Every time I think about the sticky hands or sweating thing, my mind veers off rapidly. As in... "Why do I hate these feelings so much?" Body/Mind: "Nope nope nopity nope, we gonna leave now. Clean your desk off, fidget, pick at your skin, bounce your leg, zone out, whatever, but we are not gonna think about that." My T and I discussed how it's entirely possible to not retrieve full memories sometimes if something happened around the age of 3 or 4 simply because the mind might not have recorded it. That's really hard for me because I've always been like, "I need to KNOW" how and why and what.
I told my T something and admitted that I hadn't wanted to tell her because my initial reaction is that it makes me sound crazy. We talked for a moment about how the media distorts "crazy". We then talked about how it could be either an internal reaction OR possibly a memory, I don't know yet. I have heard a little girl's voice in my head, about 3 or 4 like my youngest IC. I just hear her yelling, "Stop it!"
Memory or reaction, I just don't want to hear her. I don't want that to be me.
I can really really understand not wanting that voice to be yours at that young age. I also love that little one for having the life in her to yell "stop it!" Even if only in her head. She's a good one, Sage.
:yeahthat:
I don't have any better words than Armee or anything to say in addition
Thank you, Armee and Blueberry. :grouphug:
I attended an online seminar? talk? workshop thingy yesterday about working with the inner family, put on by an Adult Children of Alcoholics group in Brussels. (11 am my time, 7pm for them) Wow. We worked with the Inner Loving Parent, the Inner Child, and the Inner Teenager. I had to cut out and go to my regular meeting in the last hour, but I've worked with the Inner Critic before, so that's okay. It was hard getting to the first one. I have 3 Inner Children at ages 3 or 4, 7ish, and almost 10. I hadn't ever addressed an Inner Teenager before, although I've heard about it before from my BFF. I think I contacted her, but I'm not sure. She's super quiet and hard to see/find. I definitely wasn't really expecting to cry so much during it. I have a checkup with my meds psych in just a moment here, so I'll write more later.
Well, let's see how this goes. I volunteered to be on the Literature Committee for my ACA meeting group. It's not terribly often and is just things like approving the script and resource page. If I feel like giving more service, I'll try being timekeeper in the future.
Got laundry done today. Achievement! And of course, Pumpkin has parked her fuzzy butt on my clean sweatpants, LOL. Kids.
Didn't sleep all that well last night. Not sure why. I didn't have any memorable dreams, no noise from neighbors, comfy temperature... Just woke up a few times. Bleah.
Hi CactusFlower,
Your session with your inner children sounds really good, and like you made progress. Sorry to hear you didn't sleep that well last night though. Maybe you'll get a better night tonight. I hope so :hug:
Volunteering to be on the Literature Committee sounds interesting, and I hope you enjoy doing that. Great that your laundry is out of the way too - definitely an achievement. ;D
I really like the name 'Pumpkin' - is she a ginger cat?
Hope :)
Bad sleep sucks. I hope today is restful. Cats sleeping on clean clothes. Endearing...infuriating...
Thank you, Armee and Hope. ironically, no, Pumpkin is a tortoiseshell, but sweet as pumpkin pie. :) My orange cat is called Varric.
I got most of the laundry put away today, so that's sooner than usual. I am trying to restrain myself and not take on too much in general so I don't have to feel the guilt and shame if I can't continue that later. I am with BFF in creating a new writer's critique group in a regional writer's association. I'm hoping it will improve my writing. I also worry about having stuff to submit, as I find it very hard to be creative on demand. Fortunately, I have a lot of older stuff that I can use for now. I'll have to reformat it to publishing standards, but that's pretty easy in Word. (1 inch margins, double spaced, 12 point times new roman) I also feel a great deal of reluctance to let strangers read/critique parts of my memoir. I know an editor would do that someday, but it feels different to know these local people would then know what happened to me.
ACA is going fine, lots of deep work. I have met someone in the Saturday meetings I'm considering asking if she's willing to be my sponsor. I really admire all the work she's done and has gone through. We'll see. I will remember to not take it personally if she doesn't, she may not have time or be in a place where she wants to do that, and that's not my fault. I haven't felt comfortable enough to ask anyone else so far, at least not the instant being at ease as her energy has.
:cheer: for the laundry being done :thumbdown: for Pumpkin's fuzzy butt on sweat pants. Pumpkin, what were you thinking? ;D
I bet she will be honored to be your sponsor.
That is scary to let people know what happened to you. But also, sadly, it happens to more people than we really want to know and you won't be alone.
Well, I have sent off the email to her about being a sponsor. We'll see how that goes. I resolve to not taking it personally if she's not at a point in her life where she feels right doing that.
Thank you, Armee. And good point about the writing thing. My BFF would be submitting some of his personal stuff which is similar, so maybe I can snag some of his courage.
LOL, Blueberry. It's difficult to keep her off any fresh warm laundry.
best of luck w/ the sponsor thing. it is scary to ask someone - i've had one for one of my 12-step groups, and it was very helpful, but it took courage to ask her, for sure. i hope it goes well for you, and i second the idea of not taking it personally if they don't take on the job. it is a commitment. congrats for moving to this next step! love and hugs :hug:
Thanks, san, hugs back.
Did not sleep well last night. While dreams were slightly influence by the movie I watched, they were upsetting on their own. I was in a time loop no matter how I changed things (the influence part), it ended similarly. Violent explosions and over half the time, someone would die. What's also annoying is that I barely woke up after each one, and there were five or six, so I'm exhausted.
I haven't heard back from the hopeful sponsor, but it has been a Sunday in there and I don't know what her daily life is like, so I'm not concerned. Bro's first day of the semester is today, so that'll be a few months of time to myself on Mondays and Wednesdays. Kinda nice.
Not really much else to report, but that's okay too. Oh! The hand xrays were available in the patient portal, so I messaged my doc to let her know to download them. Just as I suspected, mild/beginning osteoarthritis. I knew it wasn't tendonitis, but they have to rule stuff out.
Well, alas, her life is a bit too hectic to be my sponsor, but she was very flattered and is glad I'm still staying in the Saturday meeting. I am too, it's a good group of people. If someone else comes along, I'll just take it day to day. At least I have a step study group for working as well. This coming month is Step Two, so a lot of hard thought about what Higher Power means to me.
The doc called me yesterday afternoon to discuss the hands. We're going to have me continue on an ibuprofen as needed plan for a few more weeks since it's still relatively mild osteoarthritis. I mentioned the acid reflux is back and got a new prescription for that, which bro kindly picked up for me. it's Famotidine, which is generic Pepcid. Much better for you long term. I have 90 days worth of that. I'm glad, cause acid burps and such make it hard to lay down. Hopefully this will improve things.
I had a craving for spaghetti last night and gave in, so it was a good test of the generic pepcid. Which seems to work quickly, I had no reflux at night. Grateful for that!
Doing step 2 work in ACA this month. I had a long talk with BFF (who's been in a similar program for 35 years) about a "Higher Power" and how/why I can define that for myself. I do like that the program is BIG on you defining it, even if you're an atheist and the group itself is your higher power. Being Pagan/Buddhist, I had to figure out what it means to give everything up to that Higher Power. It's not "everything", it's everything I can't/don't control. I already kind of did this, it just wasn't on a conscious level.
I still don't know if or when I'll have the courage to mention my Higher Power by name in meetings, even the step study group. She's been vilified in a lot of the media due to her being a "saint" over many marginalized communities. But her media portrayal is such a tiny aspect of her long history that even goes back to being based on an Aztec goddess of the underworld. She listens, she loves unconditionally as a mother should, she grants requests and protects those who need protection. She is a true "Loving Parent". And she is there at our end to embrace us. Well, I kinda rambled there, but it clarified for myself why she's my Higher Power. Sometimes you just have to verbalize it to think it through.
I like your higher power. That sounds like a good one and brought me a sense of safety and peace just reading what you wrote.
And hoorah for spaghetti without consequence!
Thank you, Armee. Feel free to message me privately if you're interested in a documentary about her, on youtube, I think... :)
It feels like my life is becoming fuller. With the meetings and joining a committee, family night dinners, joining this writing critique group, trying new meds and such... It's not in a bad way, but feels like I'm having more things to put in a planner. I'm still working on setting boundaries so I don't get overwhelmed, but that's not an issue yet. Thank goodness. Today was my 52nd ACA meeting. Where has the time gone? (I take Sundays off, but go every other day) One of the gals who does administrative stuff for the Saturday group is going to see about getting me a 2-month "chip" in the mail. They're tokens/coins like AA and the other programs have. Honestly, I like having that physical achievement marker. They're at 1 month, 2 months, 3, 6, 1 year, and up from there.
Bro is baking again now that he has a little time and it's cooling off a wee bit. We have cinnamon coffee cake and the focaccia should be done this afternoon. His doc was happy because even though he's baking desserts, they're not processed, so his sugar is going down. LOL
Forgot to mention that my Doc also recommended some natural stuff for the osteoarthritis, like Turmeric and other anti-inflammatories. So I found some turmeric tea on Amazon and a turmeric-rich cereal. it's low in sugar, so I can snack on it too. One thing at a time, hopefully I'll find something that helps a bit.
Thank you for sharing about your experience with fullness.
CF, your involvement in those meetings and step groups sound excellent. from my experience, i don't know if you ever have to 'name' your higher power (altho yours sounds wonderful!), so no pressure there. sorry your candidate for sponsor didn't work out - hopefully another will come along. and i love that you get chips for length of attendance. great work, my dear!
i'm a turmeric fan myself. nature's anti-inflammatory! love and hugs
You're life sounds super full to me! I'm so impressed with how much you are putting yourself out there. Congrats on your 2mth anniversary!
Thank you, rainy, san and armee!
Today is family dinner day, BFF was busy yesterday. He's gonna make posole and I know he has a great recipe. (a type of green chile and hominy stew) Then sugar free apple pie and sugar free coolwhip for dessert. YUM It's about lunchtime, I think I'm a little hungry. ha ha.
We had our first Writer's Critique group meeting yesterday. They'll be 1st & 3rd Saturdays. It went well, we're still figuring out how we want to do things and who goes when. I submitted a couple essays from my memoir for the next one. I still feel a little reticent about sharing that so far, but these essays contain the least... detail about the abuse, if that makes sense. Hopefully, people will critique well. I mean, they will, but I did give a trigger warning in the email, so it's on them. We've agreed to not censor any topics or anything.
I'm rambling, so I'm gonna go find lunch. :)
Catcusflower,
What a nice, positive post. I'm glad to hear of your successes! Also glad to hear you're being careful not to let too much come at you too fast. Moderating your calendar is great balance.
Good luck with the Turmeric. I can't take it myself, but my wife has great success with it. She deals with adrenal depletion, arthritis and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. She had to start slow with the turmeric. Too much too soon can make you jittery (it drives me completely insane), so she started with half a dose each day until she built up to a bigger dose. So, if you get nervous or sleepless from the Turmeric, you might need to start slow like she did and ease into it. The body often gets used to it, and from what I hear, Turmeric is a good, good supplement to take. Wish I could take it myself, because inflammation is a chronic problem for me. But from what I hear, most people do very well on it. Luckily, I can still take Cod liver oil in capsules. (I think the best brand on the market is Carlson's out of Norway) It's also very, very good for inflammation. That one I can take.
Congratulations!
Thanks, papa coco, good to know. I'll ease into it.
https://psarahjohnson.com/matchstick-theory/ This. This is just brilliant and makes even more sense than the spoon theory. I love it.
It really does explain it well.
I've teetered on the edge of FM. I knew my doc would diagnose it instead of looking harder so I loaded up on pain medicine before my appointment. But I have not lived with it as a disabling condition so I really appreciate you sharing this so I can better understand. I think a lot of us didn't learn to stop when the matches run out instead lighting our own fingers to keep going as we thought we should be able to do more.
On a funner note....how was the pozole? Probably hands down my favorite meal.
Fibromyalgia is so different for each person, I think that's the main problem with it. Someone might have more pain, others more exhaustion, some find things that help, some don't... Mine is mainly the pain *what hurts today? let's roll the dice!* and exhaustion. Add in the sleep dysfunction and it's an unending loop. Sleep isn't restful or healing, so you hurt more, are more tired, etc. When you hurt more, you might not sleep as well. It can be rather frustrating. There are other issues, but those are the big ones. And no, normal painkillers don't do anything for it. Anything stronger than Tylenol just makes me sleepy. Well, you can't sleep at a job, so that doesn't help. I've gotten to the point where I just can't anymore, that's why I'm in the process for disability. Combine that with the problems of CPTSD and I'm done for. And yeah, the matchsticks make more sense. If I choose to burn up a few matches by going to the international grocery store, then the lack of matches means laying down for a few hours. If I have to put in ear plugs to deal with fireworks at night on a holiday, then I have more pain tomorrow due to disturbed sleep patterns. and so on.
On another topic! The posole was utterly delicious. My BFF is a really good cook. if we hadn't had bread and dessert too, I'd have had more than one bowl. Surprisingly, the focaccia bro made went with it very well. The cherry pie with whipped cream was all sugar-free from the local "natural" grocery store as they make a really tasty one. I'd never know it was sugar-free if no one told me. Then we played a dominoes-style game and chatted for a couple hours. Wow, did I lose horribly, LOL. You're supposed to have the lowest score. I asked BFF after the end, "So, what... 400? 500?" He just grinned and said, "Trust me it was bad." LOL I just love that I have people in my life again that like tabletop/board games. Between he and I, we have quite a good size game library. Even though my aches and such meant getting up every so often and moving to change position, it was worth it. So all in all, it was a decently happy weekend. I'll take it. :)
CF, I noticed balance in what you wrote - difficultly with living with and managing fibromyalgia plus CPTSD yet joy in relationships and finding moments of ease as you find what works for you that day.
Thank you, rainy! I didn't even notice that, thank you for seeing that. I do try to balance things rather than focus on too much negative, so I guess I looked at that better than I thought I did. :) HUGS
So, in all that Higher Power thought processes, I guess you could say mine gave me a sign. A blinking, 20 foot tall neon sign that I'm on the right path. So, I joined this facebook group last month for people in ACA. It's got just over 7000 people in the group. Not long after I joined, someone posted about starting a Step study group to work through the 12 steps together, as it can be hard to find a sponsor. Cool, great timing, I thought. So I joined. We meet Monday evenings and agreed to do a step a month. Good energy, 4-6 nice people.
Now, due to many many issues, I don't like pictures and videos of myself, so I tend to not have my camera on in Zoom when with strangers. My avatar is just a little image of a stained glass dragonfly. Tonight as we start the Step Two work about our Higher Power, (anonymity) "L." stated that she felt a little triggered because I hadn't been on camera yet and she didn't feel safe or comfortable with just a little piece of art and not a real person. She also has CPTSD. I can totally understand needing to feel safe, so I chose to turn on my camera even though I had no makeup on and my hair's a mess, etc. It's a holiday in the USA, so there were only three of us today. me, L, and the host. I turn on my camera and she notes I look familiar. I thought she kinda did, but whatever. So she asks if I used to work in (state, city).
I'm stunned. Um, yes... I worked at "X" company. Oh My Higher Power, people. She worked at the same company around the first few years I was there. In fact, she sat several cubicles away from me. So she knew me before I legally changed my name and realized I was nonbinary. She then mentions "Yeah, so-and-so was the best boss I ever had." Get this... SHE WORKED FOR MY BFF. We were both weirded out and laughing so hard. I mentioned he lives next door and she gave me permission to say hi and all from her. I'm still blown away, honestly.
Thank you to my Higher Power, that can't get more obvious of a sign I'm on the right path with this. Out all the people in the world, All the people in this organization, the 7000+ in a facebook group, and I end up in a group with someone who used to work with my BFF at the company we all worked for. Those odds are astronomical, aren't they.... BFF is going to laugh his butt off when he hears this tomorrow.
Whoa! I'm so relieved that felt like a good sign!
Mmmmm that food sounds amazing!!!
Much anxiety today and tomorrow. After all the good yesterday, I got a voice mail from the old guy who owns the triplex I live in. He wants to have someone come "just look at the units" Thursday (tomorrow) between 10 and noon. Didn't say why. He's already had his daughter and son in law look at them last year because he was supposedly giving them to her. He's 88, so... yeah. But I get anxious af when someone has to come in and I don't know exactly why. I start thinking about the worst possible thing and freaking out. I literally cannot afford to move anywhere. Higher Power, if this is a test, then ok. I can't control it, so I let go and give it to you. All I can do is clean up before the person comes.
Which is also annoying, because I have a mammogram follow-up today at noon. So there's an hour or two taken out of the cleaning availability. I'm just gonna do what little I can and try not to overdo things. We straightened a little yesterday, so it's basically sweeping today and cleaning off the dining table. And trying to relax, ha ha. Bro can't help much as he's gone most of the afternoon in class. I get it, the lesson is to let go of what I can't control. Dang, that's hard.
Ugh that IS stressful, on many levels. Good luck with the mammogram and cleaning.
I feel you. I HATE having people come into my house! I struggle to feel comfortable even having friends come in, much less people who have any kind of power over my living situation. And mammograms, ugh! The less said about that the better, really.
Hoping everything is going okay for you today :hug: :grouphug: :bighug:
Quote from: Bach on September 07, 2022, 06:58:46 PM
I feel you. I HATE having people come into my house! I struggle to feel comfortable even having friends come in, much less people who have any kind of power over my living situation. And mammograms, ugh! The less said about that the better, really.
:yeahthat: I struggle with a lot of those types of things. :hug: :hug: :grouphug:
Thank you, armee, bach, and blueberry! :grouphug:
It went fine, I even got there and got in a little early. Nothing to see, so they didn't even bother with the ultrasound part and I was free to go. BFF took me, so we had a lovely lunch afterwards. I'll finish sweeping either later today or in the am when I get up. I'm choosing to let it go.
so happy for you, CF, w/ the lovely relationships that are happening in your life. those HP's are amazing indeed! i'm glad both your trials are over with and went smoothly. the vibe from you coming off the screen is light. love and a hug filled w/ more incoming happy surprises! :hug:
Thank you san! hugs back.
Several things today. So, the owner came with the landlord and some older woman. They came in, looked around briefly, she took 2 or 3 photos, then they left. It was polite, but kind of strange. One doesn't take random couple of photos if it's a selling thing. I'm wondering now if it's something for his will or however he's "giving" the real estate to his daughter, kinda like a way to prove "yes, this really is a 2 bed 1 bath unit." Like for insurance or something? It was strange, but fast and they were polite. But whatever it is, it's not under my control, so... yeah.
We're going to the grocery store later today and finish off these gift cards I won some time ago. Since we're good on food, we're doing a shop to get stuff to donate to a local food bank that helps people who don't qualify for government things, like they maybe make a tiny bit too much for food stamps, that kind of stuff. It's kind of my way to say thanks to that Higher Power, by donating to take care of my community. That's one thing I'm glad my mom taught me, was when you have enough, then share the excess with those who need it. Since it's all non-perishable, we'll just leave it in the trunk(boot, lol) overnight since they accept donations between 9am and 1pm. That gives us something to do tomorrow morning as well.
Health wise, I've gotten some turmeric tea and started that last night for the mild arthritis in the hands. The brand is Pukka and they're an extremely ethical company, I like that. The tea itself is pretty tasty, if a little... "woodsy"? Most of what's in it is roots, but it has a kind of tree-bark earthy sense to it. I don't see any problem with 1 cup a day. I do chart all my stuff and how I feel so I can see if anything makes a difference. I took an assessment on the Pukka website as it's a lot of Ayurvedic medicine concepts. I apparently have a Vata-Kapha dosha ("type"). Most of what I've found, though, on how to put them in balance gives me conflicting advice. Like, they're opposites in how to bring them back into balance. I'll research further. I have no problem with "alternative medicine" as American healthcare calls it. After all, an entire country/culture doesn't use something for 1000+ years if it doesn't work.
Well. Queen Elizabeth II passed yesterday. Peacefully, they said. I do feel sorry for her family. No matter what, she was someone's mum, grandmum, etc. It remains to be seen what King Charles III will be like. If he is as long-lived as his parents, we've got about 20 years with him or so.
I'm not English, but a large part of my ancestry is in the UK. Most of it. There's a tiny bit of German and French, and some Swedish, but that's it. Mom and I had some good memories involving the Queen. Our local PBS station back then played a lot of British TV shows, and they always had the Queen's Christmas speech. Mom and I would watch that the next day. (This time zone is 7 hours behind London.) We also watched special stuff on TV, like her reigning anniversaries, state visits. Mom let me skip school to watch Diana's wedding to Charles. So of course, it brought up some of the grief around losing Mom.
CF, I am checking in and appreciating what you shared here.
Thinking of you, Sage, as you ride the grief waves for the memories of your mom.
Thank you, Rainy and Armee.
It's been an odd thing to process. I was looking at a photo timeline from some news site. Charles was born the year after my mother was. He was officially made Prince of Wales the year before *I* was born. It's both odd and fascinating to see how her rule literally encompassed an entire generation. I see Andrew and Sarah are getting the corgis. I had no idea they even spoke anymore, really.
Someone on CPTSD discord server I'm on was processing today because he lived in new York and saw 9/11 happen. To think it's been 21 years since then. It made me start thinking about what significant events I've lived through, what marked time for me. The Challenger explosion when I was in High School. The fall of the Berlin Wall. The dissolution (or whatever) of the USSR. It feels like the majority of things I can think of are awful, negative events. Maybe I'll do a history dive and make a list of positive things that happened in my lifetime.
Just feeling all out of sorts. I know people use that emotions wheel to learn how to name what they feel, but what if you can't figure out what to call it to start with? It's sad, but that's not all there is. I think it's just stirred up a lot of grief and it's complicated. bleah.
:grouphug: hugs for the complicated grief and other feelings.
On the feelings you don't know what to call it...I'm just focusing now on identifying the physical sensation. I can name most of my emotions but there's one big one that I don't know what it is, just how it feels. So I just describe how it feels to my body. (I don't know about you but using the phrase "in my___" and "on my____" is very triggering. So I'm using "to the body" even though that sounds weird. And I try to remember other situations where I feel the same way so I can start to understand it.
CF, I recently watched a talk about interoception (the person I learn from is Kelly Mahler) and she reminded me that some folks don't understand or process emotions with words. I think you are processing in a way with events that stand out - it is weird how it is ones that seem more awful and traumatic that stick out.
hi, CF,
i've had problems describing or naming my emotions, or even knowing i had any for most of my life. alexithymia is what it's called and it causes disturbance within me i can't identify, but feel out of sorts about. a forum member named this for me several years ago, and i'm forever grateful. here's a link to a site that includes the questionnaire which can help determine if this is what's affecting you if you're interested: https://www.alexithymia.us/
i can name a few good ones in my lifetime - the civil rights for all people, the beatles, the birthing of feminism, rock 'n' roll, moon landing, first man in space, bob dylan, the hippie movement for peace and love, woodstock - it actually brought a smile to my face to remember these. for sure, there has been a lot of negatives which have gone on in our lifetimes, but i'm glad to be able to know there were some major positives as well. by the by, i thought a couple of things you mentioned were pos. as well.
thinking of you as you process your grief. it's a messy time. i hope you can be gentle w/ yourself as you go thru it. love and a hug filled w/ hope for a better future. :hug:
Thank you, Armee, I will see if something is happening in/to the body. Sometimes I don't seem to feel anything specifically physically, which adds to why it's hard to name the emotion.
Rainy- I'll look her up, thanks. And it probably has something to do with the negative ones having more attention on them with the news and all.
San - you *do* have some awesome ones to look at! That questionnaire showed I definitely have some issues. I'll do more reading on it.
Part of me wanted to share about this in the ACA meeting, but I found myself resistant. Other people were talking about horrible experiences, etc. My brain is all "you're feeling down because the Queen died, hardly on the same level." I know it's not a competition and that's not the point, but it's hard to get past. I think I need to just do some writing and see what comes out.
:grouphug:
I don't think it's just that the queen died. It's grief for your mom, too.
:hug: thanks, Armee. It truly is. I've been allowing myself to just go with the feelings. It's also the loss of a constant in my life, I suppose. I've been through 10 Presidents, but only knew of one Queen.
I watched the cortege procession to Westminster this morning. So solemn, so beautiful in its own way. One horse clearly found it boring to walk so slow. And those grenadiers who transferred the coffin from the gun carriage to the podium... Gosh, they looked so young. They and the ones in Scotland the other day, I could only think of them, what a singular honor and also a terrible honor at the same time. The show had some highlights of yesterday when William, Kate, Harry, and Meghan went to visit the crowds. Kate told someone Louis told her, "Mummy, don't worry. She's with Great-Grandpa now." And there's the tears again. No family is perfect and goodness knows they've had their share of messes, but there is love in there. Princess Anne was with her before she passed and has accompanied her throughout now. I know all too well what it's like as a daughter to love a beloved mother. I think there may also be a small part of me that's a little jealous, that she has a whole family to grieve with and rely on, which I didn't.
Maybe it's a sign of my healing process that I can sympathize and *express* that emotion for someone else. Previously, I always had difficulty understanding that connection. Like, someone famous could die or a national tragedy could happen, but I wouldn't have cried and I didn't understand back then why someone would cry if they didn't actually know the person(s). Regardless, I'm just gonna let whatever comes do so and pass through and not judge it. This too shall pass.
you know, CF, those meetings can be full of horror stories, but that doesn't make our own experiences any less valid or meaningful. just like this forum. we all have our sources of abuse on different levels but it does not negate nor belittle the effects those traumas have left behind for any of us. your story is just as valid as anyone else's, no matter if it's from the past or present. you are a kind and generous person and have your own personal vault of triggers and memories. some of the worst times i've had w/ my own stuff was when i compared it to the stories of others. sending love and a hug full of validation and support. :hug:
thank you so much, san, hugs back to you. It can be hard sometimes to stop comparing traumas. I was able to share about my grief in my ACA meeting. It's more powerful that I imagined it would be just to be heard. It helps to know that we're not supposed to comment, agree, interrupt, whatever (it's called crosstalk) about what each person says. That our respect is just to listen. So I shared, and it felt good when they said "You were heard." Like, that was truly enough.
Did a day road trip with my BFF to a lovely part of my state. So many pretty pictures! We had dinner on the way back and I finally got to try tacos birria. (marinated meat and the juice for dipping them) Wow, utterly delicious, no wonder people love them. So it was a good day, and we even worked out the bones of a new short story. :)
so glad you had a good day, CF. it's so wonderful to get one of those every so often. yay! love and hugs :hug:
Oh Sage. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the comparing traumas mind. I know I do it to myself but it's hard to hear others who have gone through so much do it too. Its sad. I know it's protective to us...to feel that it wasn't that bad...or not as bad as someone else's trauma. It's heartbreaking though to see it happen...the comparing and minimizing....from someone who is so kind and who went through so much. I'm glad you were able to share and be heard. It seems really important since so much of what abuse survivors go through is silenced by perpetrators and society and brushed under the rug.
You have been super brave and inspiring to me personally how much you are putting yourself out there right now. :hug:
CF, I'm glad you were given space to share and had a memorable day.
Quote from: CactusFlower on September 17, 2022, 06:15:47 PM
So I shared, and it felt good when they said "You were heard." Like, that was truly enough.
Hi CactusFlower, that is great. It sounds very powerful and meaningful.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thank you, san, armee, rainy, and hope. Grouphug right back atcha! :grouphug:
Not doing much at the moment, just chilling. oh, baking successes! Bro found a recipe for basic piroshki dough and we had one of those pre-made tubs of bbq pork, so tasty piroshkies were made. They freeze well, too. next time, I'll make a cheesy ground beef/onion filling. He went to the store yesterday, so I have the stuff to make a big pot of beef stew tomorrow. it just sounded good all of a sudden. Guess the weather's changing even though we have the fans on. That's how I know, by what foods I crave.
One nightmare about scorpions, strangely, but I was able to calm myself pretty quickly and fall back asleep.I think the turmeric tea might be helping, the hands weren't as achy the past couple days. Just mostly in the morning and while doing dishes. My T and I talked about goals and I'm going to try cooking a little bit more instead of eating convenient junk, now that the weather is getting a little cooler. It's 88 today, but at least it's not 93, ha ha. My T was glad to hear about the road trip and getting out of the house. Really, most of my goals are just to keep from getting worse since "better" is kinda relative, but I'll take what little successes I can.
The writing critique group went really well. Not only did they have excellent suggestions that will improve my actual writing, they felt my being able to write about my abuse was very powerful and they agreed he was a monster. That felt very validating and I feel kinda safer about submitting some of the other chapters in the future. So all in all, good connections with good people. That always helps.
Beef stew was made. It was so good, the BFF asked for second leftovers, LOL. Just been working on the Compassionate discord Server. I did edit the two pieces from the critique group and the changes definitely improved them. I'll have to make similar changes on the other bits, but I'm not submitting next week.
Met with meds doc yesterday, she was cool with continuing with no changes. I still have 3 refills on everything, so I'm good for a while. The patient portal that the counseling center installed has a secure meeting space, but it's crappy software. My meds doc ends up just calling my phone, and my T continues to use zoom because the portal meeting thingy is so laggy and freezes. They really should have tested that more before deciding, lol.
Other than that, not much going on. I'll take the down time while I have it. I did have a big craving for Taco Bell yesterday for some reason. LOL I resisted.
Had an intense, but good, experience yesterday in my Saturday ACA meeting. (a women, trans women, and nonbinary people only group) The focused reading was actually a short meditation on the experiencing of shame in the body. We did a body scan, then thought in detail of an experience that felt embarrassing/shaming. We then located where that actually existed in our physical selves. Then we surrounded it with kindness. (it's from "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook", if anyone's interested.) Mine was... like I said, intense.
TW: vague mention of CSA
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I chose the experience of going to Costco (warehouse buy in bulk kinda store) and being horribly sweaty because no air flow in the place and the feeling of being stared at and judge for being fat and sweaty. It turned out that feeling was lodged very much against my diaphragm. (which I found interesting, considering my acid reflux issue lately) I accepted it, allowed it to be, and surrounded it with kindness.
It then changed to my youngest Inner Child. She was trying to hide and was saying she's icky and disgusting. In my mind's eye, I squatted down before her (she's 3 or 4) and told her she is NOT disgusting or icky or gross and I love her. She asked, "Even with yucky stuff?" She held out her hands that were covered in dirt/mud. I gently took her hand and pulled her in for a hug. "Yes, even then. I love you and want to hold you no matter what."
So, needless to say, I cried a bit. She felt a little better at the end of the meditation. I'll work further with her on this and I think the ol' brain is nearing another memory I can guess at. But the important part is that I told her I love her and she's not gross. I shared in meeting about it afterwards and that felt good too. I'm grateful for these groups I found that create a truly safe space to be in.
Cactusflower
Thank you for sharing this experience in your journal. It sounds like it's a therapeutic experience to do this. Good to hear that you were able to make such strong contact with your smaller self.
I have been preparing to start getting in touch with my different parts, and this post is good encouragement for me to take it seriously. I have a book coming in the mail tomorrow or Tuesday that will help me do this.
I have experienced that spiritual and meditative experiences are exponentially increased in power when done with a like-minded group of people. Sounds like your group really had a great meditative session.
Oh Sage that's such a beautiful experience you gave yourself and the little one in there. I also share your experience with that feeling in crowded or hot spaces. I really appreciate you sharing because then I can think about how you worked with the part of you that felt that way and try something more healthy when that feeling strikes me.
Hi CactusFlower,
So lovely to hear how you comforted your youngest inner child - I appreciated you sharing that - it sounds like a very special experience and precious.
:hug:
Hope :)
Busy next few days coming up, but in a good way. Tonight, I'm watching a writer's group meeting and taking notes for my BFF since he can't attend. Friday, we've got flu vaccine shots in the morning, then I'm watching a movie with the BFF at noon at his place. Saturday is the writing critique group before the ACA meeting, and Sunday is laundry. I have a feeling all my afternoons will be recuperating. But some of it is necessary.
Bro and I are going to do the "one appropriately themed TV show or movie" per day for October, aka Halloween month. LOL. it was fun last year. BFF will join in this year, so that adds whatever's on HBO as an option cause he has that subscription. Disney+ will have some cute things and about half of the list is comedies. Friday is like an appetizer, so we'll watch "Warm Bodies". it's a cutesy teen rom-com, just the boyfriend is a zombie. I've read the short story. So, yeah, hashtagHalloweenSeason, LOL.
Edit: I also signed into my paypal and found I had a nice bit of balance on that. So I ordered the actual physical books for ACA stuff. media mail, so they'll be slow, but yay, my own copies! Still have a little left in there, too.
CF, i think it's so great that you found this group and it's been so kind, caring, and validating for you. that's just wonderful! and so cool you're enjoying making food that's healthier and more delicious than junk food. i still like my junk fix now and again, but i'm also finding homemade food to be more satisfying to my soul. keep up the good work - as you're learning, your work in the kitchen is being appreciated in a big way. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
:hug:
I just am so enamored by the family you've made. Be proud of that. :grouphug:
Thank you, san, armee. :grouphug: back atcha.
Yep, chosen family can make all the difference. BFF and I went and got banh mi (vietnamese sandwiches) and ate, then watched the movie. It was a very cute one, very true to the short story it's based on.
Apparently, I was blessed that the ACA book fulfillment center is only 2 states away, as I got my books yesterday! I'm kinda old school, I really like the physicality of them. Not to mention the workbooks were in PDF, so I couldn't do anything with those versions unless I'd wasted paper printing them. Now I have the real ones and can write in them. And we did a reading in the Loving Parent Guidebook in meeting today, so it was meant to be that I got them so quickly. Thank you, Higher Power. :) I shared a little about how I was grateful the guidebook explains how you can have multiple Inner Children. I do, and I think when people hear about Inner Child work superficially, they don't know that. But seeing it in print kinda justifies it a little, that I'm not crazy for having 4 total.
Bro made chocolate muffins today. The recipe was not right somehow. Good taste, super crumbly and just... meh. Oh well, now he knows. They're edible, just messy as heck, LOL. Well, gotta go. Today's offering to watch is last year's Simpson's Treehouse of Horror. (their Halloween episodes, last year is the most recent stuff on Disney+) Fun!
Writing critique group went well. I need to decide which chapters I'll be submitting for review next time.
You're definitely not crazy for having 4 inner children, or for any other reason. :grouphug:
Wow Sage! The writing group sounds like it's really going well and like you must have gotten a ton of writing done since you have to decide which chapters plural to share!!!! Way to go!
Yesterday's offering to watch was Nightmare Before Christmas. I'd never seen it all the way through. Kinda cute. I was amused how Tim Burton has these favorite actors he works with over and over. And I love musicals, so... yeah. Dunno what today's show will be yet. I did some writing in the Steps workbook for ACA. Some of the questions are easy,some not. I think I'll journal separately since there's only room for a few sentences each in the book.
Did laundry today. My usual exhaustion from that, but at least the cat's happy next to the warm bag of things I haven't put away yet, LOL. it's a bit chillier today in the low 60s, but it's also pleasant in a way. Good napping weather. I feel antsy, but sleepy at the same time. Sometimes I think the being antsy is the inner children being frustrated that I can't do things physically like I used to, like go for long walks or whatever. Unfortunately, that's the reality these days.
yep, CF, i get it about today's reality compared to a reality in the past, especially in not being able to do (or think, in my case) the way it once was. it's what we've got, tho, even if it sucks sometimes. hearing you loud and clear.
so cool you got your books sooner rather than later, and that you've been able to begin working w/ them. and i'm very excited for you to have to make decisions about which chapters to put up for review in your writing adventure. absolutely wonderful! what's also wonderful is how you keep going, doing new things, expanding your horizon and perspective even while some physical things might make it more difficult. keep at it, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Well, this whole week's highs will be in the low 60's. It remains to be seen if it'll go back up after next Tuesday or if fall finally hit. Honestly, I'm ok with fall finally coming in. I have comfy sweats and I like switching out the seasonal clothes.
Probably going out tonight with BFF and his sister for dinner. She's pretty cool and quite funny when she visits.
I need to get bro to help me by holding those skeins of yarn so I can use the ball winder. I think I'm going to end up making a shawl and just need to find a decent pattern. I've had this one poking at my brain lately: http://www.kristinescrochets.com/2022/04/spring-reverie-triangle-shawl-crochet.html It's actually quite easy, but looks really nice. I'm leaning towards using the yellow at the start (the edge on your shoulders is the top) rather than at the point just to keep it cleaner. I also have a skein of earthy-grey malabrigo that I might insert as stripes to offset the other colors. That's another nice thing about cool weather, crocheting is comfy.
Other than that, just continuing. Feeling a little down today, but that could be cause it's so cloudy. It's lunchtime, and the light feels like 4:30. Oh well, we need the moisture.
I hope your feeling of down-ness has something useful and then quietly slips away. Love the shawl. 💛
I'm working on this one right now. https://www.purlsoho.com/create/2021/04/27/isa-catepillan-for-purl-soho-cielito-lindo-wrap/
I'm trying to learn to knit too. These things are what I can do when I don't feel up to anything.
Thank you, armee. And that's a beautiful pattern!
I think the cooler weather is making me want winter comfort foods. Bro is going to the store, so I'll have him get stuff to make a big pot of chili. It's always better as leftovers and freezes well if we need to.
Strange dreams lately. Mainly themes of places with multiple rooms and trying to find something or someone. Not sure what to make of that. I'm also journaling regarding Step 1 in my ACA workbook. Lots of deep stuff there working its way up.
The chili was awesome and bro made me some cranberry almond bread. Delicious.
Yesterday's movie in this Halloween season was Grave Encounters. It had a few icky parts and jump scares, but suprisingly wasn't terrible. It was a found footage farce (in my opinion) of a lots of ghost hunter shows, to the point that I found it amusing to know who they were making fun of. It also literally hit the beats of nearly every modern horror trope. Don't watch it if you didn't like Paranormal Activity. I made it a game to predict what would happen next. Bro hates this kind of scary. I prefer it far more than movies that just "gross you out". We won't be watching the sequel, as the ratings are abysmal.
unrelated note: I know my meds help me. But I so hate taking pills. I just- I guess I have to examine why. The intellectual part of me knows that biology means medications bring things back to manageable, that lift the baseline a little. But the programmed part of me says that while they're fine for other people, having to take meds means I failed at something. It's so hard to reconcile those two views. Fortunately, I understand the science and that says "take the medication to fix the brain". After all, I'd take insulin if I was diabetic, or blood pressure meds if I needed it. These aren't any different just because they affect the brain. It's hard not to see the bottles and feel broken, though.
:grouphug:
I know. I have a hard time with medication, too, Sage. Bad things happened to you and medicine is needed to manage the effects. That's not a failure on your part. If you get run over by a car it's not your fault if your leg breaks and you need pain medicine. I know you know this logically. I know it sucks. I can't take medicine I don't. I'm a big old hypocrite. :wave:
hey, CF, pills have been an adversary of mine as well, for many years, and i know why it was so difficult to take them - head straight back to my F. we rarely went to the doc when we were kids, meds weren't discussed, but the feeling i got was one of weakness if someone relied on a medical professional. we used home remedies for things such as ear infections, stuff like that. i can see how meds could make one feel like a failure, or in my case, weak (which is a type of failing to have enough self- will/self-discipline). getting or using help just wasn't on the menu of my life.
nowadays, i'm able to be more pragmatic about meds - they have helped keep me mostly sane and able to manage living from day to day. i know you can see that for yourself on a logical level - i just hope you can find the root of feeling like you've failed (failed at what? - just a thought) so you can find some peace of mind about doing what's best for you and your life re: meds. love and a hug full of acceptance. :hug:
I appreciate your reflection on medication - our culture isn't very supportive of medication and often shows use of medications in a really shameful, negative way. I hope that you find ways to feel ease with yourself for taking those things that support you. I hope you also continue to enjoy the seasonal movies.
Thank you, san and rainy. I'm sure the failure sense comes from my abuser as well. He was the kind of guy who wouldn't go to a doctor unless he was dying. I'm sure you know the type.
Today is the fall switch when the swamp coolers get drained and turned off and the heaters turned on and tested. (natural gas heating) Seems like everything is okay, they're just slow. Gave the landlord a chocolate muffin, LOL. He likes them.
Yesterday's movie was Morbius. Not sure why people panned it so badly. Yes, it's a vampire. It's Marvel, so it's taken off a comic book, not classical vampire lit. Honestly, I thought it was pretty decent. Matt Smith clearly had fun with his character, and being Marvel, there was mid-and-end credits scenes that set up other possibilities. Not gross at all and pretty awesome CGI of their faces and stuff. Not scary, in my opinion and it is only PG-13. Tonight we're doing a little Marvel catch-up as we haven't seen the second Venom movie yet. And Morbius has a tie-in moment, FYI.
Unfortunately, I woke up exhausted due to a nightmare last night. I won't go into detail, but there was shock and grief. I hate waking up panting and tired. And I just discussed with my T yesterday that the Prazosin reduced the number of nightmares.
Aw your brain gave you a big $%@# you for saying the medicine worked! I'm sorry you had such a distressing nightmare. The hangover is so hard to shake. :grouphug:
Giving the landlord chocolate muffins is a fantastic move. :thumbup:
Enjoy those movies. I cannot do even mild scary movies. Like Jumanji was stressful to me. Hats off to you and your Halloween marathon!
QuoteAw your brain gave you a big $%@# you for saying the medicine worked! I'm sorry you had such a distressing nightmare. The hangover is so hard to shake. :grouphug:
ditto that!
CF, so glad you enjoyed the movie. sounds like a fun tradition. my D and i watch Christmas rom-coms beginning dec. 1. very fun!
keep taking care of you, ok? i think you're doing a really good job of it. love and hugs :hug:
No more nightmares, but my dreams lately have involved places with lots of rooms/areas and searching through those. Curious as to what that brings up.
Writing critique group went well, I gave them two other chapters/memories this time. Part of me gloats internally to have other people say what a cruel bully he was to young me. It feels like vindication in remembering accurately. It's also helping the writing a lot because they can point out where I might have glossed over or left something out. I may have done so because either I didn't see it, or was so close to the story I didn't think to say it. It's also giving me more and more confidence to write more. BFF pointed out something I didn't even think about. A comment from my NP had stifled my creativity for 40+ years, but now I'm actually USING that creativity as a tool for healing. Kinda like a big f u to him. I like that, I'll have to remember that.
Really tired from a grocery run today, but I got things to make several casseroles I know I can stand leftovers from. I need more veggies. I have enough points in a cool website I use called mypoints dot com to get a $50 gift card to amazon. I think I'm going to do that, and get one of those things that have a mandoline slicer and a "press down to get diced veggies" with a container underneath. That should save enough time I don't get overtired at the prep work. Just press half an onion and it's diced. Then I can use the rest later to get bro something for Xmas. We keep it small as neither of us are big on holidays much. There are some baking pans he wants that would be good.
Weather's supposed to cool off and bring rain tomorrow. I'm good with that.
Oh the veggie prep tools are a GREAT idea!
I'm glad you are writing, Sage. You have a lot to say and things that will be healing to you to write but also healing for others to read. Keep going!!
lovelovelove what BFF pointed out to you about your creativity, CF. what wonderful insight.
dreams always fascinate me. i hope you discover what yours might be telling you. keep taking care - your veggie ideas sound great! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, san and armee. Hugs back!
Last night's dream was rather odd. It started off with Mom and I on vacation and looking at the place we were renting for the week. For some reason, it not only had quite a few rooms, but a lot of them were vaguely spa-oriented. Like on with a rainfall shower, another with a tiled area with Jacuzzi tub, one downstairs that could be used for mud baths... no attendants, but we could use whatever we wanted. Then the dream somehow changed to my using a kind of magic to run the place. The magic itself kinda looked like this true green glowing energy with a gold sheen on it, and it sort of "oozed" over things I touched. Then it started raining in the dream and I woke up. It was a thunderstorm last night, so I know that influenced it. But the spa house was just fascinating. I remember thinking I wanted to remember it when I woke up.
I need to arrange the pantry from the shopping we did yesterday and figure out what casserole I want to start with. I apparently forgot a couple things, so Bro will need to stop by the store on his way home from class tomorrow. LOL oh well.
Your dreams are amazing.
It's awesome that you are writing.
Thank you, armee and notalone. :) :grouphug:
The dinner turned out great. it's called cheater's lasagna. Mainly cause you layer ravioli instead of making a meat mixture and cooking lasagna noodles. Great timesaver, and I made it with an alfredo sauce so my acid reflux wouldn't complain later. Delicious, really, and made enough in a square cake pan for two meals cause it's so filling. That's a keeper recipe.
Hi CactusFlower,
I really like the sound of that lasagne - what a great idea with the ravioli sheets. It sounds so good. I think I'm going to try it sometime.
:hug:
Hope :)
Brilliant hack!
Going to get out COVID booster shots later this afternoon. I'm hoping to convince bro (not difficult) to stop at Wendy's on the way home since it'll be dinner-ish.
Tomorrow afternoon, Varric gets a vet visit for the weight he's lost and yakking. Although he's on a different bag of food this time and hasn't done that yet, he still gets very tired of the bag about 3/4 of the way through and eats the last of it slower. I keep the bags well-closed, so it's not a freshness issue. Also, Pumpkin doesn't care and is even a little chubby. I dug out his adoption papers and he was born 8/28/13. Wow, I didn't realize he was just now 9. He certainly acts like a kitten still. I am worried about the weight loss, though. I can feel his vertebra and hip bones. it's really eating at me because I'm waiting to get disability, so the budget is pretty tight, and I feel utterly horrible at not being a good enough pet mom for him. My pets have always been family members and I take care of them no matter what. To feel like I can't do the best for him is just awful. It'll probably be something simple like dental or stuff, but my brain catastrophizes and jumps to things like cancer. I have to remind myself he has no other signs of anything wrong. Varric still eats, drinks, poops, zooms around at night, bugs Pumpkin, meows to be held, sleeps in the sunshine, etc. Normal cat behavior. Sigh. The stress is eating at me. Hard to concentrate on anything else.
I hope you get good news tomorrow about your kitty and it isn't too costly. You do take good care of them. Vet visits are mighty expensive and sometimes can't be afforded. Your love is still there and that's what matters most. I'm sorry you are still waiting on disability. :'(
Goodness, yesterday was not fun. Varric's vet visit went okay-ish. They took some blood to do a thyroid/liver/kidney panel since there didn't seem to be any obvious reason for him to lose weight. I should get the results today or monday.
What didn't help was the effects of the COVID booster shot. Achy all over, joint pain, sore at injection site, utterly exhausted, and felt like I could sleep for years. We came home from the vet and I napped for a couple hours. Got up and hit the restroom and got a little dinner, then napped again for a few hours. Played on the computer but don't really remember it, then went to bed early. The exhaustion has lifted a little this morning, but the achy stuff is added to due to laying down for so long. My back and hips are hating me right now. Not to mention I really wasn't hungry yesterday. I had a protein shake at breakfast, an apple after the vet, and tea and buttered toast before bed. That's it. And I'm not really that hungry today.Don't worry, I have had another protein shake and I'm staying hydrated. But if I don't respond much to other journals, I just don't have the energy. Peace to ya'll, talk soon. group hug
Hi CactusFlower,
I hope you recover soon from your Covid booster shot. Sending you a hug, and hope you have a relaxing weekend, and feel tons better soon. :hug:
Hope :)
Feel better soon, Sage. In the meantime rest up. You'll get your appetite back. Let us know when you hear about kitty's tests.
I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you so much, rainy, armee, and hope. hugs back.
It feels like that took longer than it did. I think a mild fever broke last night. Back to the normal (for me) levels of ache and fatigue. Yay, but I do feel much clearer and alert, and not dizzy anymore.
Had a lovely mediation in today's ACA meeting, it involved meeting one's compassionate guide or self. Mine turned out to look like someone slightly older, long braided hair, flowy linen/cottony clothes, silver and stone jewelry, and just this air of kindness and love. I asked who they were, and they said "The you that you should have been... and yet can be." Somehow I just knew that this compassionate and unconditionally loving person who was so gentle and yet brave, mellow and strong, was who I would have been without the trauma. And that she's someone I still can become bit by bit.
To others, you already are that person, Sage. It will be truly beautiful when you can be that to yourself and I see you just around the corner from that goal. :grouphug:
I also understand what you mean and how powerful getting that glimpse can be. I had that early in therapy when T asked me to watch a video on being wholehearted and I didn't think that that was something that would ever be in my reach. I had a real person in my mind as someone who seemed entirely wholehearted....similar to yours...The older aunt of a coworker I met just once for an hour. Very earthy, silver hair in a bun, walking us through her farm, serving hugs to me (a stranger) along with home grown and home dried plum leather and tomatoes. He reassured me I can be wholehearted and I've held onto that this whole time with this disbelief but goal I can be that person.
I see it already there for you.
Thank you, armee. I don't normally feel like that, but it's definitely a goal. Look up Lily Tomlin in her tv show, Grace and Frankie. I never watched, but I've seen pics and the free artsy comfy way she dress and everything is totally that look I meant. I like the concept of wholehearted. it's hard for us to see our own goals, but thank goodness we have this place where can share and see others!
I think the summery weather may have finally passed. our last few days of 71f were nice, but high winds and rain and cooler temps are due today. Making casseroles has worked well so far. I think the chilly outside may call for bacon cheese potato soup, though, Oh darn. ;) Sometimes I wish I could just hibernate.
Such bizarre dreams. All I remember about last nights is that right before I woke up, I was listening to someone talk about videos about dictators while I shoved around piles of candy sprinkles. I have NO idea where that came from. LOL
Your dreams are good fodder for writing.
That soup sounds so perfect.
How's kitty?
Hi, Armee, hugs! Thanks. :)
Varric's bloodwork came back all 100% normal. So next step is to get him some special sensitive stomach food and try that for a month or two while monitoring weight. We're going to have to go to a "fed separately and only at certain times" things with two cats, cause Pumpkin is chonky. Sigh. This should be interesting.
Check-in with my meds doc, dosages staying the same for a while. The key currently is to not get worse, regardless if "better" happens or not. I don't go out as much in winter anyway, so maintenance is the order of the day. I have had a little more luck with lucidity during nightmares, being able to kinda kick myself out towards the end. Regular dreams have had different versions of a "searching" theme in general. So we'll see what comes up with that. Writing going okay as well. Just maintaining the evenness, I guess? I'll take it.
Very triggered and anxious tonight. Trigger warning for unwell pets and bodily fluids.
Giving Varric different food separately is not going well. He doesn't like it ($20 for the bag!) and has been sick twice today. I'm going back to just the Rachel Ray stuff, see if he's okay on that still. He didn't get sick with this previous bag of it. And no, he doesn't like canned food. I seriously am worried. I have always prided myself on being a good pet mom, doing whatever it took for my fur kids to have a good life. (Varric's only 9.) I absolutely cannot afford an ultrasound, which the vet keeps saying should be another step. That's $3-500 dollars average. Waiting to get on disability, I don't have it (everything is earmarked for bills at this point). And given that his bloodwork is perfectly fine, the only thing it might detect is polyps or lesions or whatever in the GI tract. I can't imagine how treating that could work. So I'm both worried sick and feeling like an utter failure, which means disassociating hard. Just zoning for hours. I just wanna lay in bed and stare at the wall. It's almost midnight, I gotta go to bed anyway. Just... yeah.
I know you love Varric. It is okay to have limits on how much you can or will spend at the vet. You are a good "mom."
:hug: if a hug is ok.
I'm sorry Sage that Varric is sick. You are a good pet mom. Sometimes we need to let nature take her course. We can't fix everything and if you could you would try whatever but you are right...what will an ultrasound really solve other than put you in debt? You are being a good cat mom. I'm sorry disability still hasn't come through. That is maddening.
Sitting with you through the pain and worry.
Thank you, Armee and NotAlone. We're just taking it slowly. I went back to the Rachel Ray Nutrish last night. No urping last night and he hasn't yet today. I saw him eating breakfast, so we're going to the store later to get more Nutrish. It may not be this fancy stuff, but if he eats it without getting sick, that's what matters. Just wish he;d eat a little more. Maybe I'll see if there are any good cat treats at the store and get those too. He's liked little crunchy treats in the past.
Had family dinner last night. Bro was tired and left after, but I watched "Nope" with the BFF. WOW. I can see why the guy is winning awards. It's wonderful acting, scary as heck without being that gross, and very... different. I really liked it. Impressive.
I also made potato soup the day before, so lots of good leftovers with that. The soup/casserole work is going well. I also bought one of those cool choppers where you just put the veggie in and press it through the blades. That should help reduce time spent at the counter as well as when I have achy hands. There are times I still get frustrated and resentful that I can't do things like I used to, but I do thank my Higher Power for the existence of assistive devices. Hm. Leftover potato soup sounds good about now.
I enjoy reading about your meals and was so drawn to potato soup - I am a potato fan. I am also appreciative for assistive devices and wish our culture was more accepting of them.
:hug:
Fingers crossed Varric continues to do well. :grouphug:
Thank you and hugs back, san and armee.
It's day 2? 2.5? of being back on the Nutrish instead of the expensive food and he hasn't urped yet. I'll take the wins. Here's hoping he doesn't lose any more weight. I also bought a bag of the little crunchy treats at teh store. I know he likes those and I'll just be generous throughout the day. (while trying not to make Pumpkin jealous, sigh) At least he's eating something, so that helps a little.
Happy Halloween and all that. I will say, being introverted and agoraphobic-ish does save money. :) My neighborhood doesn't get a lot of kids walking around anyway. I think we'll just do our usual movie watching and snacking tonight. Bro has a quiz he just left for. I'm sure he'll do fine. I loaned him my short white wig and he has on khaki shorts, a white t-shirt, and socks with sandals. I told him to say, "Get offa my lawn!" several times, LOL.
Missing Mom quite a bit today. I used to love having her help me put a costume together. I always did my own thing and was never the same thing twice. I pretty much stopped in my 40s as life was too... messy in a lot of ways. But how I wish I could just talk to her again.
i wish you could, too. a sweet halloween memory, tho. :hug:
Quote from: Armee on October 30, 2022, 02:06:24 AM
I'm sorry Sage that Varric is sick. You are a good pet mom. Sometimes we need to let nature take her course. We can't fix everything and if you could you would try whatever but you are right...what will an ultrasound really solve other than put you in debt? You are being a good cat mom. I'm sorry disability still hasn't come through. That is maddening.
Sitting with you through the pain and worry.
:yeahthat:
I know that worry and pain about not having enough money for massive vet bills. If a hug helps :hug:
Thinking of you as you miss your mom tonight. I wish you could talk to her again too.
Doing okay so far, the cat also. I created a twitter for him, his user name is @GingerDoofus. In this short amount of time, the cat has gotten more followers than I did in a year! hahahaha
Went on a lovely day road trip with the BFF yesterday, this time to a town in the NE of the state. We'd planned on eating at a barbecue place there I found on google maps. BUT... when we got there, the BBQ place was hosting a meeting with the Republican candidate for governor! We got out very quickly and found a local Mexican food place that had great food. Then found a tiny historical one-room church was was built in 1897 just outside town. Lots of beautiful scenery, great companionship, a good day all around. I'm relaxing today and just taking it easy from being out all day. Even though most was sitting in a car, it was still effort. But good effort. It's a bit chillier today, so I'm also staying warm with tea and the kitties. Writing critique group tomorrow morning (via zoom), so that will be nice.
No change so far with my meds. They're keeping a good enough baseline and I'm not getting worse, so there ya go. There's still a small part of me that despairs at taking pills long-term, but I mostly have accepted it. It's hard to get past that feeling of failure, but at least I know where it comes from. I'm grateful I'm in a situation were I can work on things at my own pace. Very grateful.
I'm so glad the medication is working to at least provide a solid baseline for you. :grouphug: it's not a failure and we are just so dang hard on ourselves. :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
I love that you had a good road trip, that you're keeping warm and that you and GingerDoofus are both doing OK. :)
:sunny: for some extra warmth.
hey, CF, love your progress. i hear you about the meds thing. i'm a long-timer now but i finally became ok w/ it cuz the alternative was so much worse. i don't think it's failing when you use help, no matter what form it's in.
lovelovelove road trips, whether they're for a day or a week. sounds wonderful. i'll add some :sunny: for you, and yay for GingerDoofus! too funny. love and hugs :hug:
Pretty nice few days lately. Bro had his disability hearing yesterday and the lawyer seemed to think it went well. It sounds like it did, from what he describes, so we'll see in a few weeks. I went next door and had dinner and watched a movie with the BFF. Today, we're doing a grocery pickup that will be taken tomorrow morning to the food donation project. Our holiday of Thanksgiving is this month, so we're donating the ingredients for 3 full dinners, everything but the meat, dairy, and seasonings. I'm grateful we're able to do this. Then we're headed to the shoe store.
Alas, the wonderful store where my bro got my shoes is closing forever. The owner is retiring. But those of us on the mailing list get a several-days-early opportunity to attend the big sale. BFF is going too. It does suck that they're closing, but thanks to them, I at least know the size I now need in my favorite brand. Shoes are one of the few things anymore where you really do get the quality you pay for, and they carry/carried really good brands. Hopefully bro and BFF can find something in the men's selections.
Dreams have changed a little. Still weird, still vivid, but moved from a theme of searching to a theme of running from. Not sure I like that trend.
My fingers are crossed for good results from your browser hearing, and for hopefully progress on yours too. I'm so sad it takes this long.
Running from dreams ate disturbing. I hope this phase doesn't need to last too long. Gentle hugs to you.
so glad you've gotten to experience a few nice days, sad about your shoe store closing. i hate it when i find something i really like and it's suddenly taken off the market. and here's hoping those running away dreams get resolved. i don't like them, either. love and hugs :hug:
Seems like quite a few people are more in the mood to read than write on here. I think a part of it may be that natural lull we can get into as we move into winter. A time to draw inward, to emotionally hibernate, to become pensive and self-focused, a spiral drawing inward. Remember to hug yourself if you feel down. Warm blankets, warm drinks, maybe a stuffie or two, sweet pets, good books or shows, comfort food. Lulls are natural parts of our bodily cycles. We're not supposed to be "on" all the time. Time for me to have tea and snuggle kitties.
Wise, Sage. Thanks for the reminder and invitation to pull into the lull and that it is natural.
Minor things lately, which is okay. We're doing Thanksgiving next Friday with the BFF since he has another invitation to a Thursday one. For us, it's the being together that's important, so we don't care which actual day it falls on. I'm doing the side dishes this time. Stuffing, sweet potatoes (but not that nasty mess with the marshmallows, I hate that), and roasted brussel sprouts. It should be quite tasty.
I've deactivated all my Twitter accounts. I've had my main one for a long time, but I just can't ethically stay on that site. Musk not only fired the entire teams for both fighting misinformation and for human rights access, he's also gotten rid of the team that worked on accessibility for disabled users. I decided to not "wait and see", but to just leave. it's not like there aren't plenty of other sights these days. I do worry about how Twitter's used in other countries as a way to get news out about what's happening. Apparently, 40% of users are in the Middle East.
I often hit a saturation point early on about all this negative news stuff. Then I have to go play a game or read to forget about it. I know that's a privilege, but I'll just end up more depressed and more likely to click on something that will trigger me if I keep doomscrolling.
I play an online roleplaying game that is worldwide and huge. (MMORPG is the term, massive multiplayer online rpg) I've taken to writing down funny or creative character names I see while playing so I have something to make me smile later. So far, my favorites are TeaCup Dragon, OopsBehindU, Arkie Tect, Jaffar Rawr (their character is feline), and Spooooooons. See, I'm giggling just thinking about them. You gotta be creative when the game has just over 17 million players worldwide. :) Maybe I'll take a screenshot of my characters and post them here. It's a great stress reliever.
I need to figure out howbto delete mine...I never use it so I've always gotten stuck trying to figure out how to login to be able to delete it.
Those names are awesome. Love oopsbehindu. And laughing in general. Your tday sides sound great!
Kinda dissociative today, given the news. Don't go look if homophobic violence triggers you. My cousin is safe, was not even near that city. Still, I feel kinda... numb? Like I know I'm angry and sad and all kinds of stuff, but can't quite access it, if that makes sense. My brain kinda skitters off the topic for now. I'm gonna have some more tea and play games for a while.
It's terrible and disgusting these acts of violence against groups and the way people in charge enable instead of condone it.
Come let's sip tea and nosh toast.
:yeahthat: i can barely stand the news anymore, and also have a very low saturation point. i understand the privilege part, too. i also understand that if i can distance myself, it's important for me to do so. my background trauma has made it too difficult to live healthily in this world. i just don't understand this level of hate. glad your cousin is safe. love and hugs, CF. :hug:
Oops, didn't realize I lapsed for so many days. Thanksgiving with chosen family was lovely. I'm exhausted and achy, but it was worth it. The right company makes all the difference. Not much has otherwise happened, thank goodness. I'll read other's journals and comment once I've rested a bit more. But I'm still around!
glad to hear that! love and hugs, CF :hug:
Hi Sage,
I hope the aches subside quickly with plenty of rest and self-care. FM must just suck so much. Gentle gentle hug.
Interesting few days, and thank you all for you hugs and care.
Talked with my T Monday about being triggered into ugly crying with a pet video on youtube. No details for you, but it brought up related shame and fear for me. The therapy session was hard but turned out quite well, as there was some underlying grief and shame from my Mom's passing. I think that's the hardest I've cried in front of someone since she passed. (2013) But it felt good and we used EMDR at the end, which lightened the impact of the memory.
In happier news, bro bought me an online game I've been wanting to play for a few weeks now. It's Disney's Dreamlight Valley. Kind of like Animal Crossing meets the Sims. You get to do quests and such with all the cool Disney characters, and can do things at your own speed or not quests, like gardening or fishing. It's incredibly cute! it really thrills my Inner Child. And talk about inclusive. Your character can have any feature and wear any of the clothing regardless of gender, and the clothing has multicultural headwear options. it really focuses on helping other people, doing good, and having friends/community. It's supposedly going to be free to play next year. So far, I'm best friends with Remy from Ratatouille. LOL Addictive, but so positive.
I appreciate you sharing about the experiences. I am also intrigued by the game you mentioned - I like Stardew Valley and a lot of people that play that game also like Dreamlight Valley. I appreciate you framing as the inner child enjoying.
I'm a bit jealous of your new friend circle lol!!!!
Sending gentle hugs if wanted for the grief and painful feelings of shame, and wishes for those good memories to hang on strong.
sounds like great fun, CF, and a means for socializing. way to go! love and hugs :hug:
Nice that you have that game to enjoy. :yes:
Still here. My T has the next two weeks off. She was talking about how she'd never had two weeks off before, and we both commiserated about how awful time off is in America. Speaking of corporate greed, my Sara Lee cinnamon raisin bagels have gone from 6 in a package to 5 for the same price. I am just so tired of it all. Not sure why this holiday has so much"blah" time compared to others. Also, landlord has had his electrician guy replace some ceiling lights. These LED things may use less energy, but their stated lifetime is not true. Currently waiting to get eh kitchen one replaced. There's a window, but that doesn't mean much in the evening. At least laundry got done today. Might not be all put away for a couple days, but everything's clean.
The clean laundry is the important part. The putting away is slow to happen around here, too.
How will it be for you for T to be gone 2 weeks?
Honestly, I don't know. She's taken a few days here and there which mean that there have been the occasional week off. So far, there haven't been any emergencies while she's been away. I'm still feeling rather blah in general. I'm wondering if it's a kind of mild dissociation or derealization. There might be something to explore about this time of year. So she and I will get back together on the 26th. (so to speak, it's all zoom) Both my bro and my BFF know her phone number is in my phone under ICE (in case of emergencies) and her name, so that's okay.
Family dinner Saturday is gonna be French onion soup. I hope it turns out good, cause it take two hours to make. So we'll watch a movie while cooking. I'm going with BFF to the store tomorrow as we have some of the ingredients, but need onions, bread, and cheese, LOL. Maybe that will be sensorily grounding. At least it'll be tasty.
I hope the soup turns out just right.
Hi CactusFlower,
Your French onion soup sounds like it's going to be really tasty. I hope you enjoy cooking it, and also eating it.
Sending you a hug - :hug: I'm wondering what kind of bread you're having with the soup. Crusty bread, or something else?
Hope :)
Oh man I'm with everyone that soups sounds phenomenal and yes grounding. Warm and savory and cheesy.
We're here for you while T is gone. We're all different but I know for me when T is gone I actually get a little relief because I just put all the hard stuff on a backburner. So I'll hope that the break in therapy provides a bit of breathing room too, along with the grief of missing that support.
Thank you, Rainy, Hope, and Armee. I have no real holiday plans other than to stay warm and eat (lol), so hopefully I'll be ok. BFF reiterated he's there for me too.
The soup turned out AMAZING. My mandoline slicer made that work go so much faster. The place smelled amazing, I tell ya. (as long as you like onions.) We probably could have carmelized them a bit longer, but it was taking a while already due to his pan being one of those thick Le Creuset types and therefore slower to heat. The Gruyere was just the right amount of salty and the grocery store's baguettes were the perfect size for the little brown crocks. If we go to a French restaurant, I'm gonna judge theirs against that, because ours just blew me away. I had leftovers today and it was thicker due to the bread dissolving, but that was just as good.
The weekday Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meeting that I attend decided to have people hold the zoom room open whenever needed outside of meeting time this month since it can be so hard for people. We also are quite active in a Whatsapp group and the level of support and care is wonderful with this group of people.
I'll commit to coming here and writing/responding tomorrow during my usual therapy time. I am very grateful for this board and the wonderful people I've met on here. it's made a real difference. Gentle group hug if you want to. :) :grouphug:
i'm in on the group hug! :grouphug:
the cooking you're doing lately is so wonderful - nourishing, creative, sharing. i could visualize your onion soup. wowser!
i love that your 12-step group is opening up for more meetings this month. i think it's wonderful. love and hugs :hug:
I'm so glad you are getting such great support out in the world. :grouphug:
The soup sounds amazing and I would welcome the recipe if you felt like posting it!
Group hug, coming in.... :grouphug:
Thanks, San and Armee! I got the recipe from here: https://getpocket.com/explore/item/how-to-make-french-onion-soup We did not add any alcohol, and we did add a tiny bit of rosemary and a couple bay leaves at the "season" point. maybe about 1/4 to a half of a teaspoon of rosemary, not too much. Here, this is when he took it out of the oven: https://imgur.com/gallery/AeHuQEY
There is no current identifying info on that account, no worries.
So far, so good. We have a grocery pickup in a few hours and I've just been distracting myself with a game. Bit chillier today. The kitties are face-planted in my blanket hoodie because it's so soft. Unfortunately, my kitchen light isn't getting fixed until next week, as the landlord's electrician has COVID. But he has the new fixture ready to go. I've just been using the dining room light and having the blinds open during the day. it suffices. Gentle hugs, all, stay warm.
CF, I have been thinking of you as I bought Dreamlight Valley and have been really enjoying it. I wanted to stay home today and play it rather than work. I appreciate all of the coziness you are experiencing and sharing.
Super cool, rainy! it is addictive and so much fun. Feel free to private message me if you have questions or want tips. I've noticed not everything is explained well. I can also give you a code for a special item they haven't discussed a quest for yet.
Speaking of, playing this game is encouraging me to watch Disney films I haven't seen yet. I watched Wall-E after I got his character and learned why the boot with a plant in it is important. I watched Tangled just last night. (the Rapunzel story) I actually ended up crying at the end because I was jealous that she had this wonderful, loving family who accepted her no matter what and never gave up hope. I also now understand why Mother Goethel in the game has so many passive-aggressive insults and is obssessed with her youth. In the original Rapunzel, the witch raises the girl because she demanded the girl as payment when the dad stole a plant from the witch's garden for his pregnant wife's food cravings. I guess Disney didn't want to deal with the moral implications of that.
Anyhow, just enjoying hot tea and some muffins (storebought) while reading for the writing critique group. Then hopping into the game so I can buy out Scrooge McDuck's entire store. LOL
I like the way you share what you've been cooking or just what you are drinking e.g. a nice mug of hot tea.
Aw, thank you, Blueberry! I do very much hope I don't trigger anyone's eating problems, though. Food and drink (nonalcoholic) are very grounding for me and usually associated with mostly good memories. I joke that I'm just a hedonistic Taurus, ha ha.
On a positive note, the electrician doesn't have COVID and our kitchen light will be fixed tomorrow morning. Yay! Then bro can start baking again. (some recipes have long rise times.)
I watched Lightyear on Disney+ yesterday. OMG so incredibly cute. Loved the diverse family representation, super cool. Huge nod to Marvel movies (at least 3 actors are from there) with a mid- and after-credits scenes. Lots of laughs and all. I think Frozen is up next. Haven't actually seen it, but I sure know that song by heart, LOL. FYI, youtube has "Let It Go" in Mandarin with lyrics across the bottom. it's a neat video. They also have "Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan. I didn't know Jackie Chan sang that for the movie! Very impressive.
My Inner Children are please at getting to watch these fun movies. I never dismiss animated movies as only being for kids, but getting to see so many is kinda like a Christmas gift. :)
I resonate with watching and enjoying these movies too. I hope to catch up on some movies soon and hopefully seeing something I haven't seen before.
I love the delight of reading about your encounters with Disney movies. 🧡
I loved Wall-E. Such a sweet one. Our favorite is the cleaning robot.
I like reading about your foodie adventures. But other than overeating a bit I dont have difficult food issues.
So glad Bro will be back to baking soon.
Thank you, Armee, rainy. :)
We watched Frozen, I like it a lot. I think my favorite thing about it is proving "true love" isn't just the Princess finding her (hetero) life partner. The rock trolls were cute and I'm impressed at Pixar's/Disney's level of education, pulling from real Norwegian myths. Not sure which one I'll watch next.
I went through some photos I found the other night. They're mostly the posed school 8x10 photos, but there are a couple. I need to find a place that can digitize an old box of slides. I think I know where one is in town. I showed them to my BFF and he was immediately able to tell when I was happy or not. One or two of them is me at about 3-ish years old, the age of my youngest Inner Child. It's the only one that's happy compared to the next several years. I may frame it to remind me of how she looks when she's happy. The slides are of a 10th birthday party and a Christmas, probably the same year. I see myself, but nothing else is familiar. I don't know the name of any of those kids. I know where we lived at that age, but nothing about the house looks familiar. The Christmas ones make me feel... strange. Like, does a 10-year old get a ceramic tea set and a Barbie Corvette? It feels like those are too young for someone that age. I dunno. I also note that at least two photos, I'm in a pink dress. So I can kind of see when I started "not liking" the color. And the hairdos... man, the 70's were not kind. LOL
I know I have other photos somewhere, I'll have to dig more. I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. I'll probably set these aside to talk with my T after Xmas.
That's a really good idea to frame the smiling one. I really relate to the shock of not recognizing anything about the photos. I had that same experience going thru photos. I didn't even know where I was in my high school graduation photos...it turned out to be my living room. The house I had lived in for years. That was one of those moments where I realized how real trauma is.
I hope your writing class went well. :grouphug:
CF, there is such delight in your posts about cooking and eating delicious happy foods. i've been enjoying it a lot.
i also like the idea of framing the photo of you when you're smiling. i had one of me about that age and it was able to remind me about what a cute little girl i was, so happy and innocent, and it seemed a really good thing for me to know about myself. i hope yours brings a sense of goodness to you as well. love and hugs :hug:
Second week of my T being on vacay. It hasn't been horrible. Only one nightmare the whole time so far. I am surprised every time I wake up from those that I'm not louder. I can be yelling in the dream, but only whimpering when I wake up. I don't recall the subject now, but when I did wake up, I lay there and whispered to myself "I am safe, I am warm, it is not real" a few times. That actually helped. I concentrated on the feel of the blankets, the white noise/rain sound I had going, and a slight itch on my foot. I managed to get back to sleep relatively quickly.
I managed to go out and get a lovely spiral-cut ham for Saturday. We're getting Chinese food Sunday. We also went to the Int'l grocery store the other day, so I have yummy treats/snacks like pocky and mochi. The trip today also got me a bulk bag of dried banana chips. So not all my snacks are unhealthy, LOL.
Great job grounding! You have so much skill to draw on! Good job getting through the vacation!
Quote from: CactusFlower on December 21, 2022, 12:49:15 AM
I don't recall the subject now, but when I did wake up, I lay there and whispered to myself "I am safe, I am warm, it is not real" a few times. That actually helped. I concentrated on the feel of the blankets, the white noise/rain sound I had going, and a slight itch on my foot. I managed to get back to sleep relatively quickly.
Bravo for you. :cheer: Good self-care and grounding.
i echo the others on your grounding techniques, CF. well done! w/ the nightmares i've had, this never occurred to me to do.
your weekend food sounds lovely! i've always found those spiral-cut hams to be ever so tasty! enjoy enjoy enoy!!! love and hugs
Thank you so much, armee, notalone, and san. I am glad that going with my instincts is helping. It takes a lot to trust those in triggering situations or after nightmares.
I'm trying to expand my resources for help and health. So, I am starting to listen to some trauma recovery-focused podcasts and mental help ones. "Conversations with Carolyn Spring" is pretty amazing. I had to download the transcript for the episode "Trauma isn't just a distressing event" because I was saying "woah... yeah" with so many things she said. I listened this morning to episode #613 of "Mental Illness Happy Hour" that was about people-pleasing. (tw, they talk candidly so there is some profanity.) I had to write it down when he said, "Part of getting help is surrendering to the form it comes in." Like... woah. Yeah. Part of something I say everyday is about asking for help and ACCEPTING it with gratitude when offered. it's a big lesson for me, so this really resonated with me. The BBC has one called "Access All" that's pretty good and features interviews with disabled people. The hosts have their own issues, so it's not "inspiration p*rn" kind of talks. Listening to them while I drink my tea and check email is kind of a morning meditation thing, which I'm liking as a routine.
Sadness: The Mars robot, Insight, stopped replying to NASA. His batteries finally ran out. NASA sent out a "final message" and I, along with a lot of the internet, cried a little. Might be silly, but it was sweet and hopeful.
I have found Carolyn Spring helpful also. I haven't listened to her podcast, but read one book (the other was too triggering for me), and I've read several of her articles on her website. https://www.carolynspring.com/
Just popping in to say Happy Winter! Going well so far, food will be in a few hours here with the bro and BFF. The ham smells delish. Bro made his addictive dinner rolls, and BFF is making a yam dish and a brussel sprout dish.
It's not horribly cold here, so we're doing okay. My T comes back from vacay and I'll have the normal session tomorrow.
Your dinner sounds lovely. Glad you get to have your session tomorrow.
Yesterday was good. I didn't get to everything with my T, but there will be next week. I am seeing a lot of value in the trauma healing podcasts I'm listening to. I can't use the word "enjoy", but appreciate/value/empathize with/learn from and the life are useful. The Healing Trauma Podcast, Conversations with Carolyn Spring, Complex Trauma Recovery, and Mental Illness Happy Hour are all so useful. (flippant name, but great podcast) I listen to one or two in the morning as I'm getting into all the email and forums and such. Kind of like an educational morning meditation.
Leftover ham is so delicious. I'm so pleased. That was about $30 and change for the ham, yet we had Xmas dinner, leftovers, 5 bags in the freezer, AND the bone for ham & beans later. Super pleased with that. And I only put a little celery seed and garlic powder on it in the crockpot and it was delish. I did NOT use the packet that came with it that listed 3 types of sugar for a glaze plus "spices". YUCK.
Just have to get through New Year's next. Earplugs are ready. Teddy bear is ready.
Oh, also, the "playdates" I'm running for the weekdays ACA group are going really well. People really appreciate a safe, non-judgemental place for an hour(zoom) to play, indulge their inner child, or even just hug their stuffies. (part of me really wants a squishmallow now) I said I'd think about a monthly or bi-monthly thing maybe, as they did express a wish for them to continue. That validation felt really nice. They understand I don't want to be overwhelmed by continuing the 2x a week ones, and some people even suggested helping so they could jump in if I couldn't do one. I love this group of people. They are such a great example of how people should be to each other.
Thanks for the recommendations for podcasts! I've been doing a lot of audiobooks lately but they can be quite dry, mixing in a podcast or two would likely be a welcome change.
I love the satisfaction of a well done supper as well, it's really gratifying making a complex meal for others that works out and they appreciate.
The play date thing sounds like a good time! I inadvertently found myself hugging a stuffed animal for a long part of our Xmas evening extended family chat, it was very comforting. I can definitely see how others would appreciate it.
Slightly frustrated. I put in to renew my meds online, and 2 need a call to the doc to authorize more refills. Which is fine, I know she will, but the question is if they'll get ahold of her this week since we're between holidays. So I've got to space those out until I get more. Hopefully, that will be Monday or Tuesday at the latest.
On a positive food note, beans have been acquired and plans made for dinner with the BFF Sunday doing good ol' ham and beans. I have the large hambone from Xmas and plenty of leftover ham, so this is gonna be super tasty. I haven't had this in a long time. It freezes well, so I'm gonna load the crockpot.
Not too sure why, but the whole holidays time period has me feeling very... blah. Kinda sad, kinda numb, just... blah. I don't have an overt conscious reason. I do get light, so it's not "SAD". I get temporarily cheered up, like family dinner and such, but then it's like it just sinks back into the bog.I know the CPTSD is why my thoughts can catastrophize, but it doesn't stop the feeling of futility to know that. Meh. At least the kitties are cuddly. Maybe my stuffed bunny and a mug of cocoa will help a little.
:hug: :hug: This phase will pass. Maybe some part of you needs a little down time? Which you planned in with your bunny and mug of cocoa.
Bunny and cocoa sounds lovely.
I feel it too, a little. And holidays are a time to miss people you have loved who have passed. :grouphug:
I know you've been doing podcasts lately and I've found Anderson Cooper's series on grief to be fairly profound, especially his interview with Stephen Colbert, surprisingly enough.
This time of year is complex for so many reasons. I hope that you have found some things that felt supportive.
Thank you, Blue, Armee, Notalone and Rainy. Gentle hugs back.
I was listening to one of the podcasts this morning and the guest (sorry, I forget her name at the moment) was discussing attachment theory. I read up a bit more on it while listening and it brought a thought to mind. As you might remember, I've mentioned the male parental unit was military. Well, when I was 3/4 or so, he got stationed for a 9-month stint in Turkey. Assignments there could be accompanied by spouse, but due to various political issues, not with kids. So they arranged for me to stay with Mom's parents while Mom went with him (first overseas assignment for her). So I lived with Grandma and Grandpa in a home they had in the mountains just outside of a small town. Loved it, had a good life there, awesome and loving time. Then Grandma started developing the big C (she was a smoker). When Mom and he came back, we went to the next assignment on the East Coast of the USA. Grandpa sold the land and they came with us. Grandma is buried out there, and Grandpa lived with us even over in an Asian country until I was 7, when he passed.
Here's my theory: using Attachment theory, what if it was actually worse that this happened? That I was "abandoned" in a way, but to a really loving and supportive set of grandparents whom I bonded with and was safe and happy, then that was all changed? And once Grandpa passed... There was no more barrier for the male parental unit in regards to me? Maybe it was worse because I did have a good family model for a short time and that was removed? I'll discuss this with my T next week, but it does make a lot of sense. Huh. Wow.
:bighug:
I think you are onto something there for sure. I've felt that too. We were with my stable kind grandparents and then were taken away from them and thrust into chaos. It's probably worth processing.
I appreciate you sharing this insight and hope it opens up opportunities for healing. I am grateful you had such supportive grandparents.
Hi Sage,
Wishing you the best for 2023, and wanted to pop over and give you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
hey, CF, i'm w/ the others - what you wrote about having to leave a warm, caring family unit sounds significant. i think it's a good thing to process w/ your T as well. it makes a lot of sense to me.
wishing you some light and bright in the coming year. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you and hugs back, san, hope, rainy, and armee. My T agreed that what I thought makes sense.
We then talked about some dreams and some possible goals. I agreed to TRY to get out of the house, weather permitting, once a week. And also trying to make some of the excursions not "have to" chore stuff, like laundry and grocery things. That way the goal isn't overwhelming. It might include walking 2 or three blocks (which will take me a while), all of which are to improve a little physically and have an opportunity to interact with non-online people. LOL plus I'll be tracking my mood and energy closer. I showed her how I do that in my Bearable app and I'll be looking at how to pull off the reports it can produce.
The beans and ham dinner yesterday with the BFF was lovely. Tasted just like mom's and was very comforting, and we chatted for a while. I am SO SO grateful he lives next door. Also. meeting with meds psych moved to this week since I need those refills authorized anyway. Yay. good to go.
We'll be here to offer encouragement as you step out into the real world a few times a week. That seems like a tough but worthwhile goal.
I'm so so happy your ham and bean soup turned out like your mom's. ❤
Hugs, Armee, thank you.
Chatted with the Psych this morning, so meds are renewed and being filled right away. Tomorrow is a trip to Costco (large warehouse store like Sam's Club, just not owned by walmart, lol) with the BFF for paper goods and lunch, then renewing library card. it's weird to me that they have an expiration date here. So later today will be a hair buzz and shower. Yesterday was laundry and trash, so I expect Tomorrow afternoon to be a total energy crash. Stuff gotta get done. LOL I still have leftover soup and frozen stuff, so at least that's low spoons to make.
It snowed a little yesterday, but didn't stick. I don't mind, but we do need moisture eventually. Eh. I'm staying warm, so it's ok.
Bro got denied for disability. I know the lawyer will appeal, this is normal in the US, but it's sending me into a fear spiral about my case. Having to ground myself and it's not working well. I highly doubt I'm gonna sleep much tonight. Just... Argh.
I'm sorry about the lack of support in receiving disability. I hope that you have moments of rest.
Even if appeals get approved its really unconscionable that they put people through so much and drag out the process so long. :blowup:
:yeahthat: waiting for these things is brutal at best. best to you both. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, rainy, armee, and san. :grouphug:
I'm a little better today. I did have an anxiety attack while thinking about my own case. Once I was finally grounded, I could breathe, but did have nightmares I won't describe here. The next day was the errands with BFF. Library card is renewed for the next 3 years. Paper goods have been obtained, and I had a lovely lunch with leftovers for today. I am extremely tired and very hurty/achy, but the company helped. I have to not think about it too hard at the moment or I'll dissociate, but I can distract myself mostly. It'll get better eventually.
I agree with Armee.
:applause: to you for all the things you are accomplishing and for working on staying/getting grounded.
Aw Sage. Gentle hugs, or just a warm blankie if that's better right now.
I'd be super anxious too. It's not fair to put you through this. Both the financial uncertainty and dredging up the wounds that necessitate disability and then feeling like you might have to further describe the trauma to prove you need disability.
I'm not sure if that is actually part of the process, but even if not I know I at least catastrophize even the most routine medical appointments thinking all sorts of terrible things will need to be discussed about my past or mental health. They never do, but I still get myself very worked up each time. Just a long way of saying I'd be feeling anxious too for lots of reasons and it must really be difficult. AND I think you are managing remarkably well.
I'm sorry you had terrible nightmares last night. I'll be wishing you a peaceful day and night with as little physical and mental pain as possible. And good food.
Well, good news. Lawyer told bro of course they'll appeal. He didn't say before the hearing so as not to influence bro's actions, but this judge is known for denying on the flimsiest of things and getting his decisions overturned. So that gave both of us a big sigh of relief. Thank you, notalone and armee, for your support. Hugs are always welcomed virtually.
We had a nice family dinner last night. I am grateful to my crockpot for being able to cook when I have low energy, lol. Therapy went well today and I'm tracking my mood and energy closer for a while to see if it matches up with nightmares. Other than that, just plugging along.
Just continuing to track everything. Felt a little productive today and got a few dishes washed. Had to rest, of course, but there they are. Alas, my air fryer has died after 6 or so years of service. Preheating gave off a nasty hot plastic smell. :( I put an ask out on the Buy Nothing group. You never know, someone might have upgraded or upsized for Xmas and has one they could give away. Fingers crossed, I do like using them.
I hope the tracking helps clarify things a bit. When you think that nightmares are considered a form of reexperiencing trauma, just like flashbacks, it makes sense they can be so disruptive.
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed from bro and you on disability. It's still terrible the judge does that. People who need to be on disability don't need extra delays and obstacles.
fingers crossed w/ you, CF. congrats on getting your dishes done - that's always a big chore for me. love and hugs :hug:
I am sorry that a well worn appliance stopped worked and I hope you find a replacement quickly. I too hope the tracking is supportive.
Hi Sage,
I am late in sending my sincere support for your situation with the courts and the judge, and hope that the outcome will be a positive one, and I wanted to send you a hug of support :hug:
I also hope that you are able to get another air fryer from somewhere - because it sounds like you really liked using the other one, and it's a pity that it's not working anymore. I've never used one - but I know how much you enjoy cooking, and I must say I love hearing about the things you have prepared and eaten, they always sound really lovely.
Hope :)
Thank you so much, armee, san, rainy and hope. :grouphug:
I do have a request out in case someone has an air fryer. I'm turning that request over to the Universe and letting go of control. LOL can you tell that's the next program Step? Yeah, that's harder than it looks. I'm also turning over the disability worry. I won't even get a court date notice until mid-spring, so worrying now isn't healthy. I choose healthy.
My dream last night was odd, but positive? I dreamed I took leftover butter chicken and naan to work for lunch. Then, some company dropped all these big pallets of snacks and my company could go pick anything we wanted, free. I noticed a bunch of Indian snacks I didn't recognize, so I asked an Indian coworker if she would help me pick something that would go with the lunch I brought. She laughed at the coincidence and said yes. So I guess I was able to ask for help and get it in a dream. I'm choosing to see that as a positive for my brain to process.
I was quite exhausted and achy yesterday. I managed to get a shower in the am, then we had a grocery pickup in the afternoon. That was a little stress, too, because several things were substituted. If I order X number of donuts, though, I fail to see why MINI donuts in the same amount were an acceptable replacement. Oh well, LOL. We had some fresh pasta mozzarella ravioli last night with alfredo sauce. I added cooked bacon to mine to make it carbonara. Yum. I like fresh pasta, but I'm not as good at guessing amounts as I am with dried pasta because it puffs up more while cooking. I was all "oh yeah, this'll feed two hungry people", then as the ravioli cooked, I was all "Woah.... it pillowed..." Haha. tasty though. Bro has to eat it, though, because I really hate leftover pasta. it's just.... not the good texture anymore.
Dissociated yesterday evening, too. I was looking at my info timeline and there was an article on child abuse. Lost about 20 minutes on that one before I "blinked back in". Ugh. Also figure I'm dissociating more than I thought. I had a stereotypical concept of what that looked like and was reading about the dissociation spectrum. A lot of my lost time and weird thoughts are apparently classical dissociation and even derealization. I guess at least there's a name for "oh, I'm not just weird?". Now I'm tired after writing and thinking about all this. I may try to nap after my meeting.
Hi CactusFlower!
I hate when they substitute stuff out! It's almost never a proper substitute! We used grocery pickup quite a bit at the beginning of 2021 but eventually stopped because they got really bad at substitutes or just not being able to find stuff. Probably a lot of workload for them or high staff turnover, so can't blame them too much.
I found your comments on dissociation interesting - I often find myself falling into lost or off-track thoughts when faced with difficult tasks or when I'm particularly stressed; just thought that was a thing my brain did, but now I'm wondering if it has something to do with dissociation. I may look into that more.
Hope you have a great week!
hey, sage. it seems that dissociation comes in many forms. in my research, i've also discovered that i take on depersonalization properties, where i feel like a different person and words coming out of my mouth are not from me. this stuff is amazing - how our brains have worked to keep us as safe as possible. and all of it linked to trauma. what a number that has done on us.
i've had those substitution experiences as well. quite frustrating at times. but, there it is. and i think the food you're making is wonderful. healthy and hearty. lovin' it! love and hugs :hug:
Me, too, Sage. I never related to the descriptions of dissociation or the examples used, but the things I experience are clearly dissociative at a level approaching or exceeding disordered. The descriptions don't do it justice. :grouphug:
Good therapy session today. And I did get out of the house yesterday. So, this fun thing happened. So in my Facebook's Buy Nothing group, someone was offering a unicorn plushie. I got it, and looked at in in the car on the way home. Is it a unicorn? NO. IT'S EVEN BETTER... It's literally a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater! AND! you press his foot and he plays a line from the song, "Monster Mash"! I love this 1000x better than a unicorn! He's even the perfect colors. What were the chances that would go to someone old enough to be familiar with both songs? here's a couple pics: https://imgur.com/gallery/KC3JAoD (https://imgur.com/gallery/KC3JAoD) And so soft and squishy.
Also, bro just made the most perfect lemon pound cake I've ever had. Light, fluffy yet moist, melt in your mouth, and a glaze with lemon pucker power. His baking talent is a gift, I swear.
Dreams have been okay lately, so I'll take it. Just paying more attention to dissociation episodes and moods during the day. That Bearable app is coming in really handy for that and has weekly reports. Agreed with therapist to see if anything correlates with nightmares since I've had a few more this past month. I admitted I'm tired of being tired.
Feeding the cats on a schedule rather than free-range is interesting. Pumpkin came in the room and yelled at me when I was 9 minutes late this evening, LOL. It's funny how they try to lead me into the kitchen, like I don't know where the food is. I can't tell if Varric is gaining weight yet, but bro also shuts him in for an hour in the afternoon for an extra feeding. He's certainly inhaling the food, so let's hope it helps.
I love the sound of the plushie you acquired and hope it brings joy.
I love it, Sage. Press play on that stuffy so I can giggle at it's song and then give it a squeeze and a thanks for me.
such a delightful surprise, CF. those songs are a hoot! sure to bring a smile, and i love the sound of its squishiness. enjoy enjoy enjoy!!! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, rainy, armee, and san. It does make me smile.
Colder today. I really hate being cold. I'd far rather be overheated than too cold, but that's just me. one problem is that when I'm cold, my hands are generally very cold and hard to heat up, therefore it's hard to crochet or draw at all. Fingerless gloves don't help because it's my fingertips that are like ice. Boo.
Just feel off and kinda down today. Might try to work more on my step 3. BFF sent a video where Russell Brand (who apparently is in recovery) explains (with profanity, unsurprisingly) what each of the 12 steps mean in really layman's terms that could pertain to any similar program. I was impressed, as each explanation was simple, yet profound. Then I clicked through and skimmed his facebook posts. LOL Nope. He might be in recovery and do a lot of yoga and meditating, but he's still kind of a nut and had some conspiracy-related posts. So he's still an "word the forum censors but ends in ole", just a bit less self-centered about it. Eh. the one post was profound. Ironically, I was on a page with ads right before BFF sent that, and one ad was Brand with some Gucci cologne. I kept clicking to stop it playing because I don't like him. LOL
Haha. I can imagine you clicking frantically to get it to stop. Good luck with step 3
hey, CF, best to you w/ step 3. finding a spiritual component in recovery can be one of the most difficult for some people. i created my own interpretation of a 'higher power' which suits me, but does the same for me as others' beliefs in a god. i hope you find what you need. love and hugs :hug:
Hugs, can and armee, thank you. I've got the Higher Power, but step 3 is really showing me where I find it hard to let go of control or the illusion of control. Heck, I've had Fibromyalgia since 2008 and I *still* has issues accepting that I simply can't do some things I used to be able to. So I end up pushing myself too hard and paying for it later. My T and I definitely have a lot to work on. I do often share with her what I've written in the workbook my program has. Even if I've had a somewhat OK week, there's still deep stuff to work on. one day at a time, ya know? :)
The amount of deep stuff to work on is overwhelming. As is attempting to accept things as they are, believing we should somehow be stronger. But I know you are so so strong to have survived what you went through and the FM is the price you had to pay for survival in those circumstances. It isn't a sign of weakness that you have FM. It's a sign of immense strength.
Thank you, dear Armee. Hugs back.
Panic was triggered by the gas bill. Apparently everyone's affected, the price raise comes from the producers, not the utility companies. Still, it was OUCH levels. My mind jumped to catastrophizing again. It took a while, but I opened up to bro and he will take over the electric bill to help. (2 diff companies here) There's also another assistance program we can apply for, so I will do that. I calmed down a bit once I had this plan in place, but sheesh. Then various news headlines about how Republicans are trying to destroy Social Security or make it difficult at the least to get were making me freak as well. Just so tired of being afraid and uncertain. It's still a really conscious effort to let go of trying to control everything.
Minor positive note, I made my ham and cheese potato soup tonight. That was delicious and leftovers are put away. I also went through some mementos that were store under the bed. Lots of good memories with these things, so that helped a little.
It's so frustrating about the bills especially ones we don't have any control over. I hope the panic eases as much as it can given the current climate.
My fingers are crossed for more assistance for you and for some movement on disability too. I got a little space heater for Christmas and I'm hoping it will help lower the utility bills if I can more often use that, instead of heating the whole house with gas.
So, putting my trust in my Higher Power does work, LOL. I was going through mementos, old important papers, etc and found a paper for E-Trade. It still had login info and I had no idea what it was for, so I tried and the login still worked. Turns out it was company stock from a job I worked at before 2005 that I totally forgot about. It's not a huge amount, but after fees and taxes, it'll still be enough when I get it out to carry me through several months longer than what I currently have. Yes, I totally thanked my HP, I am so incredibly grateful. So I'll be working on that process this coming week. This is so... Yeah. Just so grateful.
On another topic, psych-wise. I was talking with some people in another CPTSD forum and they suggested I look at a collection of symptoms I seem to have mentioned. Some that are often co-morbid with CPTSD. So I've done some reading. I am NOT self-diagnosing, but there's enough of a match to concern me. I'll be discussing it with my T, but I also don't really know how to bring it up. I'm about to go chat with some other people in the forum who have it and see if they have any advice. I'm not going to name it just yet in case I'm wrong. Part of me is "That would explain a lot and fit some things" and part of me is "Do you really need to be extra nuts?" (You can guess which one is the Inner Critic.) So if I don't post as often for a week or two, I'm pretty busy processing. I'm not going anywhere, I do feel safe here and appreciate very much all the connections I have here. So, big gentle group hug, ya'll.
:cheer: Great news about the stock!
:hug:
I can relate, Sage. And if it is this extra thing, it does not mean you are extra crazy ok?
I'm so relieved to hear about the surprise stock!!! That's amazing!
:yeahthat:
:hug: :hug:
Hi Sage,
I am so happy that you're making connections with something meaningful to you - and I hope that your processing and your discussions about it are helpful. Joining in on the group hug too - sending one to you :hug:
Hope :)
Armee, Hope, BlueBerry, NotAlone, thank you all. Definitely a group hug. I'll be working on the stock thing this week.
So, the thing I discussed with my T. I had such a fear response happening before telling her, which wasn't logical at all. We work well together. I took a few moments to breathe and jumped into the questions I answered on the forum and pointed to several examples in my life that fit.
She's a social worker, so can't diagnose, but completely agrees I am a fit for having Dissociative Identity Disorder. (formerly known as multiple personality, and effed over by Hollywood) She knew someone whose specialty is that, but unfortunately, she's not covered by my insurance. I did a provider search on my insurance's website and found several that look good and have appropriate certifications AND do telehealth visits AND are taking new patients. So I'll also be looking their reviews and such to find the one that fits. There's not much point doing anything about it if it's not technically diagnosed, so that's the goal. My T said she'd back me up for however I pursued treatment or whatever for it. (She's awesome, really) It's a very strange way to think about myself, but it makes so much sense and explains a lot of past behavior. Because trauma creates it, it's often found with CPTSD, so I shouldn't have been surprised. Don't worry, you've been reading the same person this whole time. But yeah, part of me is all "Great, more layers of weird" and the other part is sighing in relief to at least have an explanation for things. Knowing makes me feel better, like I'm better armed or such.
:hug:
Your T validated you and is helping you find more specialized help. Those are really good things. You're still who you have always been. Having a pending new diagnosis to describe yourself doesn't change who you are. Who you are is someone who is awesome and kind and who has been badly injured. These are the injuries, these are the ways you have protected yourself and been able to carry on.
I'm pretty sure I fit in there too but have been fighting that knowledge. OSDD at a minimum but really somewhere less than full blown DID and more than OSDD, which I think technically would be DID. I don't really want that as a diagnosis for the same reason you are reacting to the knowledge yourself. It's really just a neurological structure put in place to allow you to cope with the crazy stuff that happened though. You aren't crazy. The things done to you that you had to function around were crazy. But yeah, I get it. It would be good though to get help from someone who knows how to work with it. I have found a site I really really like called dis-SOS. When you have mental space check it out.
Hugs and thank you, Armee, you're right. Her support does mean a lot in this. I'll probably get serious about looking for a provider with that specialty next week. This week, I'm working on that stock account. I called today and the guy was very helpful. They're processing the name change, then I have to "activate" the account, then I can withdraw the amount. So it's gonna be okay. :)
Quote from: Armee on January 31, 2023, 05:16:35 AM
Your T validated you and is helping you find more specialized help. Those are really good things. You're still who you have always been. Having a pending new diagnosis to describe yourself doesn't change who you are. Who you are is someone who is awesome and kind and who has been badly injured. These are the injuries, these are the ways you have protected yourself and been able to carry on.
...I don't really want that as a diagnosis for the same reason you are reacting to the knowledge yourself. It's really just a neurological structure put in place to allow you to cope with the crazy stuff that happened though. You aren't crazy. The things done to you that you had to function around were crazy. ...
:yeahthat:
I got diagnosed with OSDD while inpatient last year and while I have no reason to think I'm further along the spectrum than that, OSDD is enough for me and hard enough to deal with on top of cptsd. I like the idea of neurological structure put in place to help us cope. I agree it's very important to get a T or other professional who knows what they're doing to help me (and presumably others) learn to cope with it.
I have DID. There are very few people who know that about me. With people who know and who understand and accept all the parts of me, having DID seems "normal." Those who understand trauma say, "Of course you have Parts. That was a creative way that you survived." When I think of the majority of my friends and acquaintances who don't know and coworkers who don't know, when I imagine what they would say if they did find out, that's when I feel shame or embarrassment.
hey, CF, well done in discovering this about yourself. as you said, these kinds of realizations can explain a lot. our minds are wondrous organisms in the creative way they figure out how to protect us, keep us sane and surviving. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, san, they really are. hugs back
NotAlone, Blueberry, thank you for trusting and telling me that. I appreciate it very much. I told my Bro about it today, and he noted he has seen times when I'm much quieter or more outgoing, more so than my "usual". He wasn't terribly surprised and supports me no matter what. I confess that the concept that it's "not always me driving" kinda scares me. As I meet alters, I'll be able to tell him, though. So that feels safe. I'll tell my bff soon as well. I think I really need the professional help to figure this out and see what I do now about it. Reading only does so much, of course. On the other hand, research definitely helps me think about what to initially discuss. Just trying not to get too info-overwhelmed here. *breathe*
CF, I am thinking of you as you navigate and am grateful you have support.
That was a really big important step to tell bro. Acceptance, right? And knowing the people we love will love, accept and support us. All those dissociated parts are still you. I like to think of it biologically, rather than socially or personality focused. That your brain has put up these dividers. You have these separate pockets of neurons that fire together and are not connected to some of the other groups of neurons. When one set starts firing, the other sets go quiet because they aren't connected to the other group. I don't know if that is fully accurate, but that is at least how it feels in my case. But the body is shared. There's just one body. So that's why my body can be acting horribly fearful and I am just perplexed because I don't feel scared at all and I have no thoughts about being afraid or any awareness of any triggers, and I'm watching my behaviors and feeling completely perplexed by them.
Thank you, rainy, armee. Gentle hugs back!
Been relatively productive so far. I've developed a list of potential providers that could help. I've used the contact us form on 3 of their websites this morning with a script I wrote up about testing, potential diagnosis and treatment if warranted. Each place has someone who supposedly has experience in DID, so we'll see. I'm willing to take tests if need be. I'd always rather know for certain than not know. And if I'm wrong, that's okay too. I feel like I have a lot going on, so I'm really trying to pace myself. Hopefully the name change will be soon on the money account, then I can start the process to get it out.
Bit by bit, step by step. it'll happen.
Hi Sage,
That's exciting that you're finding out the information you want - and I hope that it is helpful and doesn't take too long.
:hug:
Hope :)
It truly is ok if you are "wrong" about this. It's a really confusing spectrum between CPTSD dissociation all the way to DID level dissociation especially with the change in name from multiple personality to dissociative identity disorder to reflect the less "florid" cases of personality change. Either way you'll probably learn something helpful. Good job being brave. :grouphug:
Well, I may have to make calls, as no emails were responded to. I'm not in a hurry, but 4 or 5 days is more than enough time to respond. I dunno. Just been generally down lately. At least dreams last night were kinda positive in theme. I'm still here, just feeling blah.
Sigh. That's really a bit frustrating that none responded yet. Phone calls can be hard.
Sending some virtual warm tea to carry you through this stretch of feeling down. Perhaps partly its a way for your body to protect its energy supply. FM sounds so exhausting. :grouphug:
Thank you, armee. I have had multiple mugs of tea lately, LOL. Gonna go with the BFF to a storytelling thing at a coffeehouse today. I hope it's relatively comfortable. At least I am getting out of the house about once a week, so that goal is going okay, gentle hugs to everyone.
I enjoy storytelling and hope the event was just right.
Thanks, Rainy! It was very nice and the coffeehouse has some delightfully comfy couches were I planted myself and my mocha. People's stories were amazing. There was some guy whose dumb luck had him escaping death (as in he was 20 and reckless back then) several times, one who was on a school trip to Germany when the wall fell, and one person who managed to escape a large well-known religious cult. Amazing what you really don't know about the people sitting within 20 feet of you. Looks like it's once a month and each one has a theme. Next month is "The Road" and considering the number of road trips my BFF and I have done, I am considering attending. It would definitely make my therapist happy, LOL. I think it really helped that the coffeehouse closed right after we started, so the event wasn't interrupted. Only about 15 people besides us. Doable. I've always been fascinated with the stories of others, so it was a good fit. BFF knows me, lol.
That sounds really nice, Sage. I'm proud of you for getting out, and added bonus supporting people telling their stories.
Thank you, Armee. Yes, my therapist was quite pleased I was able to get out and interact, lol. It helps counteract the down-ness of this week, as yesterday would have been Mom's 75th birthday. Just missing her a lot.
Oh, Sage. Of course you're missing her. That's a big milestone and reminder. Your love for her is beautiful. I wish you had more time with her. She can still be with you, too, in ways.
Dear CactusFlower,
That is a big milestone and reminder, I agree with Armee. Sending you a hug :hug: if that's ok.
Hope :)
your coffeehouse experience sounds truly wonderful, CF. i've always enjoyed those kind of intimate settings for both the personal and the personalities. and, sorry about what you're going thru with your mom's birthday. she's still with you in whatever way feels best. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, hope, armee, and san.
So many things. I've not been doing much, but it feels like a lot.I've got things good to go on the found account, I'm just waiting for a day when the stocks are up to take it all out. I had a bit of a panic due to financial stuff. My BFF has helped out for a year now, but let me know he will only be able to afford to continue through June. The landlord also sent a letter saying the rent is going up (although only by $50, thank the gods) in June. My freakout was that I expect the disability hearing letter to come sometime in Late March or April. If I don't get it then, I'll have no choice but to try to find work that I know I won't be able to do long-time. That would also involve paying the lawyer instead of going to the third-level-appeal, which is a lot. I'm really trying super hard to let go of control over what I can't control and give the rest to my Higher Power. But it's super scary for me. Even though intellectually I know my BFF would do whatever it takes to help, it's still panic-inducing.
I'm setting the whole DID possibility to the side for now, I can't deal with so much at once. None of the initial contact places responded to my email. It's just not a priority at the moment.
My therapist sent me a copy of the letter she sent to the lawyer about me and why the CPTSD means I can't work. It's a very good letter, very comprehensive. grateful for that.
I hope the financial stress eases and that things work out in supportive ways for you. I can relate to setting aside things pursued given current available resources. I am thinking of you.
That's a lot. Sage, and passing the worries on to your higher power whenever possible is wise. Taking a few deep breaths alongside you and hoping for the best for your disability claim. I'm sorry they put people through this. I can imagine how reassuring and validating a support letter from T explaining why cPTSD is debilitating for you is. I'd probably sleep curled up with it, lol.
Fingers crossed for a good stock market day for you to pull your stock.
Ugh, I hate when I've let so much time pass between check-ins. I'll click back in and go, Oh jeez, it's been almost a week? Sigh. Not much change, at least. Had a good family meal with BFF and Bro. Really have to curate my news intake even harder lately. So much hate, it's scary. I did dissociate for quite a while one of the days after reading what some politician up in Alaska said about child abuse. Not going to repeat it here, but it triggered a terrible day.
On a positive note, I discovered Stubb's sugar free dipping sauce is not only great for homemade chicken bites, it tastes like a perfectly balanced honey mustard. Yay for sugar free that's good. I liked it on the fries too. It'd be wonderful on baked chicken or even porkchops.
:grouphug:
I resonate with moderation in news intake even in "comedy" like SNL and other late night shows. I'm glad you found a safe food and hope it adds something extra to your meals.
Hugs, armee and rainy. Did it again. But relatively quiet these past few days, I'll take it. Ordered a cake for Bro's bday. Saturday will be quite busy. I have the writing group in the am and we're meeting in person over at Mike's. Good thing I like these people, lol. Then my online ACA meeting, then picking up the cake, then we'll take Bro to dinner. I'm gonna be super wiped out Sun and Mon, but I can rest. I managed to make a batch of bolognese sauce yesterday. It was very tasty and I had it for a late lunch so it wouldn't set off any reflux. good choice, and it was delicious.
Someone on the Buy Nothing FB group is offering a tube of high calorie cat treat, it comes out like toothpaste. We'll be going to get that in a little bit here. I hope it helps my cat. I've had it with previous cats, so I hope he likes it as much. I forgot about it, so I'm glad I was reminded it existed, at least. Wish me luck, I've also thrown my name in the hat for someone who's giving away an air fryer they only used once before getting a bigger one. I'd really like that since mine kinda died.
Wishing you luck for the squeeze a treat and air fryer!!!
:hug:
CF, i surely do hope you get those things you want. you've been so into making good food lately, and i think that's great. best to you with this. and my my my, hasn't your schedule gotten busy! so wonderful to see you doing things you enjoy and get something pos. from. love and hugs :hug:
I hope the day and birthday plans went as well as possible.
Thank you so much, armee, notalone, san and rainy!
The air fryer post disappeared, so maybe the person changed their mind about giving it away. Ah well. Oh a positive note, one lick of the nutritional cat gel and I had to pry him off it! Seriously, the next day, all I had to do was show him the tube and he was all "yes, yes, please, yummy, gimme, I recognize it GIMME". hehehehe. I'm glad he likes it so much. It's about a teaspoon at a time, but I'm doing it when the food isn't out am and pm. I really hope this puts some weight back on. ("fish concentrate", ugh LOL)
The birthday went very well and the little cake from the local bakery is divine. The bakery is apparently 50 this year and still family run! I really try to buy local when I can. We also went to dinner with the BFF and one of our local Chinese food places has really improved. Must be a new chef or something, but 100% better than before, and they were already good. So that was nice. Today is bro's actual birthday, so he'll celebrate online with his gaming buddies. :)
Writing group in person was actually very good. We seemed to bounce ideas and stuff off each other a little easier. As I went back to my place in time for my ACA meeting, a local black cat came up and said hi. Super affectionate, his tag said "Reggie". Reggie was sweet and wanted to come in, but that was not allowed. I had Pumpkin come up to the screen door and she hissed. It was like "Interloper! You shall not pass!" So we shut the door after telling Reggie to go home. My cats never go outside, it's safer that way. But Reggie was a sweetie.
I'm just resting today from all of that. Very worn out physically, but in a decent mood. if I have the energy later, I might edit something I'm submitting to an anthology. It only needs a couple tweaks. My hands are starting to ache here, so see you later! Gentle hugs to everyone!
Really feeling upset this morning. Varric isn't running to the food bowl when I put the food out. The first two days I had the nutritional gel stuff, he loved it. This morning, he doesn't want it. I tried opening the new tube to see if he just wanted a different flavor. No such luck. I've ordered a feeding syringe to arrive tomorrow and will mix the gel (it's super sticky) with some warm water, see if I can get it in him that way. I don't know what else to do. I'm feeling like I'm the worst cat mom ever. I literally cannot afford any other vet visits or tests. From what I've read, everything after the normal bloodwork would likely end in expensive treatments or procedures. My mind is telling me I'm being terrible and selfish because I should have a job no matter how much it hurts, and if he passes because of this, it's my fault. No matter what you believe, if you pray/talk to the gods/entreat the universe, please do so on his behalf. He desperately needs to eat and gain weight. I'll update after the syringe tomorrow.
fingers crossed and prayers flying, CF. we all have our limitations, and you have hit yours, and that's not your fault, nor does it make you a bad cat mom. unfortunately, we can't do everything we want. that might sound trite, but it's what i have to tell myself when it comes to my D. it's a terrible place to be in for you, watching this happen. i've had pets. we feel responsible for them like they're our kids. i hope Varrick pulls out of this. sending loving vibes to you both w/ a hug filled w/ wellness and health. :hug:
Gentle hugs, Sage. Im so sorry AND it is not your fault your cat is sick. And often when these things happen, no amount of vet visits or money makes it better. You are giving Varric a very very good life and lots of love. That's what he needs. :grouphug:
Thank you, san and armee. He's still eating the regular dry cat food, so that's something. I have to just remind myself that he still plays and cuddles and acts normal and.. let's just say the litterbox is normal. Frustrating little boy!
Tired already today. I got a few dishes done, then put some chicken in the slow cooker to try a honey garlic recipe I found. It gets lots of good reviews, so we'll see. Smells good, lol. Resting now so I can get a shower later. At least this week is warm weather, so that's nice. If it hits the upper 60's like they say it will on Saturday, I might air the house out a bit. I can tell spring is very soon, I'm getting that urge to clean. I can't do much at a time, but the urge is there. I'm also wanting heavy hot food less and less. I discussed with my T Monday how I can eat healthier in the summer, and the slow cooker and instant pot will feature a lot, LOL. I need to learn to eat more leftovers and make basics like shredded chicken that can make several other things. I mean, I know how, I just need to do it. Maybe I can convince bro to help me Saturday or Sunday to have a freezer-cleaning day. Learning to ask for help is half the lesson, I know. :)
Good and bad week -
Bad - fighting with Tmobile about returning something and changing to a cheaper plan. Stress causing more pain and nightmares. Also, getting the nutritional gel down Varric is quite the tiring battle each time.
Good - made a really good recipe mid-week, bro got me a new pillow and stress balls/hand exercisers, I got myself a water bottle and am hydrating well so far. On my bad day, bro was sweet and went to get ice cream and stopped to get me my favorite healthy treat, dried banana chips.
Best - I submitted one of my reworked memoir chapters for an anthology being published by someone in my writing critique group. Not too much anxiety, I consider it a win I even did so. Will know mid-April-ish if it made it in.
Yay for family dinner tonight. Since all the St. Patrick's Day (or Irish Pride Day if you're not religious, LOL) sales were on, bro got a lovely corned beef and I have that in the crockpot with some potatoes and onions. BFF made soda bread and will bring that, bro is making mashed potatoes, and I'll put on some cabbage later. I like low effort meals.
Heh, Pumpkin has the kitty crazies at the moment. I call it "the bowling ball with claws". She has momentum, LOL.
Not too bad otherwise. Physically exhausted from various things, but decent mood for a change.
I resonate with liking low effort meals. I hope your Irish feast is tasty.
The food was delish, yes. On a positive note, Varric must be either tired of being given the nutritional paste or he's decided he actually likes the taste. Yesterday I just had to show him the tube and he was all "yes please". Good kitty! it's a gradual thing, so we'll see if it helps, but at least he's not fighting it. Of course, Pumpkin gets jealous. I lie to her and say "it's medicine, you don't need it", but she still huffs and glares. LOL
Had a dream last night that was more aggravating than scary. I dreamed we had this beautiful home with lots of rooms, and me and my ex were only using a few rooms over and over. I tried to lure him into other rooms, but he got bored quickly. Like, "let's watch tv in the den instead of the family room". Then I dreamed we went to this weekend event that was half music festival, have some kind of conference. We met up with some friends, and I was enjoying the presentation and chatting with 2 male friends. Ex got annoyed and left. When I noticed, someone said that he got bored and went to do his own thing. I then went to find him and he was in a back corner of a very crowded restaurant and it took a few minutes to thread through and get to him. He was annoyed I'd been spending time with other friends and then I got angry at his passive aggressive BS and manipulation. I woke up and rolled my eyes. Talk about way too much like real life, there are reasons I left. But it definitely reminded me how much happier I am here in general and how important it was for me to leave. To be back there still AND maybe have had the CPTSD triggered? I can't even imagine. That probably would have sent me inpatient. So even though it's hard and painful, at least I'm in a safe place with people who care so I can do the work. Very grateful for that.
i'm very grateful for that as well, CF. so glad you're in a much safer place. funny how passive-aggressive stuff can be just as frustrating in a dream as in real life. keep taking care of you - happy that varric seems to be doing ok. love and hugs, :hug:
Thank you, san. Hugs back.
That said, another frustration! Got a letter today from Social Security, a SECOND medical appointment. And, it's not until May 3rd. I am just so frustrated. Why wasn't the first one enough? This absolutely does not help my blanking anxiety. I just can't deal with this, at least not for today. I know they make you jump through hoops, but I am NOT giving up. I cannot work anymore and that's not going to magically change.
Sage, I am so sorry that you have even more burdens from social security.
:grouphug:
I'm sorry. It's really terrible.
I'm sorry sage :hug: That kind of thing has my anxiety going through the roof.
also going thru this in our home, CF, and frustrating is so very on point. we know we can't work, our symptoms dictate how much energy or facility we have to concentrate or to even be present. just because it can't be seen doesn't mean it isn't as serious as a medical diagnosis. ugh - so very sorry you're having to deal w/ this. standing by your side as you continue battling the 'system'. love and hugs :hug:
That you all, notalone, armee, blueberry, san. :grouphug:
My lawyer is aware of these appointments. My BFF is of the opinion that they probably want to see if there's anything getting worse or just not improving, which makes sense because the systems takes so long. The hand xrays are this Friday and my bro is taking me to those. The only positive is because they're pretty much first thing in the morning, it'll be when my hands hurt quite a bit. Some morning, it's difficult to hold my mug of tea (insulated, so the outside doesn't get warm). It is what it is and I can't control the process, so I'm trying to let it go. Definitely not easy. My therapist, who has seen a lot of her clients get on disability, thinks it also might be something along the lines of "they're not going to get better, just do another exam and get them on it already." We'll see. She's more positive than I am generally, LOL.
:hug:
hugs, Armee :)
On a positive note, I called my cell provider and got us switched to a new plan with the same things that we need to have (unl. talk/txt, lots of data) and none of the extra junk. (various streaming services discounts) Should save us around $30 a month, but that's meaningful.
So, yay, and glad it was a smooth transition.
I find it can help me feel lighter to get rid of what we don't need even if it is digital or things we can't really see.
CF, glad to hear you got a break w/ a new provider. well done! :thumbup:
keep hangin' tough w/ the soc. sec. thing, ok? it's a pain in the patoot, to say the least. love and hugs :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 01, 2023, 05:26:45 PM
CF, glad to hear you got a break w/ a new provider. well done! :thumbup:
keep hangin' tough w/ the soc. sec. thing, ok? it's a pain in the patoot, to say the least. love and hugs :hug:
:yeahthat: :hug:
;D Thank you so much, rainy, san, notalone. It means a lot to me and hugs back!
Relatively productive week so far. Kinda physically tired, but mentally relieved a bit. I got the laundry folded/hung/put away yesterday. (only a week and a half since we did it) Today, I did my taxes online so that's done for the year. Not getting much back, but I'm grateful for every bit I do get. Bro picked up my med refills for the month and there are no changes, so that's good. Varric is also still enjoying the nutritional paste, so we've ordered more. I can't tell, but bro thinks his tummy is a little rounder. Now if we can just get some padding back.
Oh, and BFF and I are finally moving more forward on a kid's book we co-wrote. We're at the point of choosing an illustrator! Best contender so far is an artist from the UK. Very talented from the portfolio. We've decided we like the softer kind of style, like in Madeleine or Berenstain Bears. I was also shocked yesterday to have put out about a page's worth of a "sequel", but it rhymes like young kid's books do. I don't normally do rhyming or structured verse, so we'll see. *shrugs* I also never thought I'd write for kids, but here we are. LOL I want them to be the "books I wish I could have read at that age".
I'm excited for you about your book!
:yeahthat: from one author to another, i'm wishing you all the best w/ this venture! so cool! love and hugs :hug:
Y'all. Two positive things have moved me to tears in a good way. It feels so amazing to cry for a happy reason for a change. I thank that Higher Power.
1. I decided to use my TikTok for positive instead of time wasting. I've started following a few good CPTSD/trauma pros, it's okay so far. But I also follow YourKoreanDad and PopPopBruceJohnson. Your Korean Dad is a sweet guy who posts wholesome, supportive statements as if he's the loving and kind parent you really need. So very cool. Then I got PopPop on my For You Page... He is a wonderful, understanding, supportive grandparent. He asks you to hold on and have a cup of tea with PopPop and also says the supportive stuff as well as "I love you" and "I miss you". I tell you, I was bawling by the second video. He reminded me so much of my grandpa. Therapy and programs tell us we need to be our own loving parent to heal, but how when we're not exactly sure how that looks? Well, now I know how it looks. And it feels amazing. I haven't done a search, but I'm betting there are some female creators on there too that do this. I just love that PopPop says "grandbaby". It covers ALL genders.
2. So, that kid's book we're writing? My BFF (with my agreement) submitted for critique-ing in next Sat's writing group. We thought it would be interesting to see what people who'd had kids thought. One person has responded (they have all week). Now, this guy is in his late 60's, maybe early 70's and just fit? Sweet, talented, kind dude, is also a semi-famous oil painter. I just downloaded and read his critique.
He just loves it. He says it needs to be published, especially now. He goes on to say he just wants to see a world where people are safe and happy expressing who they are, will use any pronoun someone chooses, and that adults need to read it too. Y'all, I didn't know I was gonna cry into my dinner. LOL! Seriously. That just made my week. Especially cause my BFF took my name off, so the group thinks it's just him writing it. I wanted to be the "fly on the wall" for the critique. Having people be supportive and caring is...wow. (not just my trusted inner circle and peer support, if that makes sense) I'm gonna be over here smiling for a while.
That's really sweet, the tiktok grandpa. :grouphug:
And wow that's amazing good news on your book! :cheer: :cheer:
Quote from: Armee on April 10, 2023, 05:14:37 AM
And wow that's amazing good news on your book! :cheer: :cheer:
:yeahthat:
Way to go, CF!
thank you, armee, blueberry. It's nice to ride a wave of good for a moment.
On another positive note, I made myself call etrade and take care of that account. So another week or so (business days) and I should be able to just transfer that all to my checking account. I wouldn't call it a lot, but it'll keep me going a while longer. Not I'm really just waiting for that stupid May 3rd appointment and hoping the hearing comes soon after. Gratitude to my Higher Power and the universe for the ability and resources to see this out. (and permanently crossed fingers)
I'm grateful you are finding resources and hope that things will continue to be in your favor.
congrats on the book, CF. and my fingers are crossed right beside yours for all the other stuff!! love and hugs :hug:
:cheer:
Hoorah for a financial cushion to help you get through the disability process.
Thank you so much, rainy, san, and armee.
Super Positive news I can now share with you all! One small story in my life as a military dependent in another country (a positive story) will be published in an anthology!
"Hole In Our Hearts" will be available on Amazon in approximately late June or July. It's a compilation of prose and poetry (and some photos, I believe) by military members and/or their families, made possible by a grant and published by the Southwest Writers organization. I am comfortable sharing this with you as not only is it a pleasant memory, my real name is not my birth name that I had during that time. Just a caveat, I have NO IDEA what else has been submitted and accepted.
eeeeee so excited!
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Congratulations!
I am excited to grab a copy as soon as it goes on sale!
:fireworks:
Yay Sage :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Keep up the good work, because you know work does go into that getting done :) Your work. :applause:
:fireworks: so very cool!!! love when that stuff happens out of the blue. :cheer: love and hugs :hug:
You all are so sweet, thank you! If you choose not to buy it (which I totally understand with it being by military members and their family members), no big deal. The story will also be included in my memoir eventually.
The stock account is emptied and that is now with me to pay rent and bills. It definitely gives a huge feeling of relief. I'm not even tempted to spend it on the frivolous (but appreciated) things I have in the past. I might get dinner, though. My bro was worried he wasn't going to pass this semester, and he did. I knew he could, but dinner is a good morale booster.
Trying some easy summer foods to eat better when it's not cooking weather as it will be soon. I discovered that my grocery store deli counter makes a very tasty chicken salad that includes pecans and cranberries. Good on 12-grain bread for lunches. I'm trying a salad recipe later tonight. I'll post a link if it turns out good. :)
I know I haven't read a lot in other journals here for a couple weeks. I apologize, but stress and a few other things have been very demotivational. Please remember that I care about you all and what's happening with you, even when I don't reply. This board has become a very important place for me. Gentle hugs to everyone and may your days pass as kindly and smoothly as possible.
I can't wait to read your memoir, Sage. Thanks for the idea for the cranberry chicken salad. I have those 3 ingredients on hand and prepared so I'll try to find a recipe! Dinner out to celebrate sounds like a nice splurge and congrats!
So, that salad was just fine the next day. This is the last of it, I think I'll eat the little oranges out of it and use the rest with some chicken for stir-fry. We actually ended up trying a new place yesterday for dinner and got breakfast burritos, ha ha. They were HUGE. I had the rest of mine this morning and it was decent heated up. So I'm pleased to get the value for the money, 2 meals out of them. Also managed to get a little more seasonal clothes put away and a few on the Buy Nothing group.
The amazon stuff arrived yesterday, the few things I got with that gift card I got for doing the survey. It wasn't a lot, but the things will make life a little easier. I got a set of clear plastic "drawers", rectangular bins, really, that go in the fridge to organize stuff. I'm pretty exhausted now, but it'll be a lot easier to just pull a bin and see if I need more of something or not. I also got a set of silicone bags in different sizes. So yeah, they're washable, but that will cut down on buying Ziplock bags for so many things. The wash is easy, you just put soap and hot water in them, close it, and shake it. Then it can dry upside down on the plate dividers in the rack. I also got a nice strainer for my looseleaf teas. I drink tea all year long, so now I can really enjoy my Lapsang Souchong. If anyone wants to know what this stuff is like, let me know, I'm happy to post links to useful items. :) Since I did have a duplicate water bottle from last order, I keep one filled in the fridge and rotate them out to have cold water. It's really helping me stay hydrated well.
Did have some stress/anxiety this morning. Apparently the water heater was off, so the landlord had to come re-light it. He also found a small leak on one of the pipes, so a plumber will come over sometime soon. He just changed plumbing companies and I think I see why. That pipe is less than 5 years old. Still, people having to come into my home unexpectedly, strangers, it's very stressful for me. It brings up feelings of shame and judgement. Ugh. Also means I can't just wear my nightgown all day, ha ha. I suppose that's for the better.
CF, I resonate with discomfort of others being in my home. I hope that the plumbing issues are resolved quickly and that you all may be left to your space as much as possible.
i get the idea of not wanting people in my house, CF. no thank you. it disrupts my routine, causes me to interact w/ someone even if i'm not feeling up to it. ugh!
on the other hand, all your edible goodies sound like so much fun. keep it up - it brings smiles to faces and tummies! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, rainy, san. The invasion of space is an issue for me, I don't feel safe, either. Plubmer still hasn't called to say when they'll be here. Sigh. We did go to the Int'l grocery store yesterday afternoon and got some snacks. I also got some different ramen flavors as well as some miso paste so I can have miso soup whenever I want. It's so simple, but very satisfying. Just zoning here at the moment and waiting for the caffeine to kick in. annnytime now...
It definitely makes sense to not feel safe and I wish it would be over with soon so you can get on with feeling comfortable in your home.
:yeahthat: love and hugs :hug:
Oops, a week gone by! Relatively productive. Kind of depressing dreams, but that's going to happen in the "Mother's Day Season". I can't believe it's been 10 years, wow. But I did get laundry done, and about 90% of seasonal clothes switched out. Just a few more hoodies to put away. Varric is eating some cat food, the kind that is pieces in gravy. I'm hoping between that, the nutritional supplement stuff, and a tube of specific cat vitamins (like Taurine), that it will help. It's a long process to find out what he will eat, but he seems to like the pieces and gravy better than more solid wet food.
Next month will be a little busy, as the 3rd is the disability medical appt, My BFF is taking me to a murder mystery dinner theater thing on the 13th, and my birthday is the 16th. This coming Monday, BFF and I are doing our first day drive of the year, yay! Also had financials discussion with my bro, so that's been a huge relief for arranging things.
Therapist has been discussing my getting one of those walkers with a seat on them so I can go further when I go out. I feel very self-conscious, though. BFF has one and a membership to the botanic gardens, so I may "test drive" his in a low-audience environment. It just feels weird, like "you're not old enough or bad off enough for that!" Clearly, I need to work on that inner critic a bit. :)
It sounds like a lot of problem solving. Best wishes sorting out a mobility aid - I wish more people recognized how useful tools and props and supports can be and that it was normalized. I hope you enjoy the fun stuff coming up and that the appointments go as well as they can.
I agree with Rainy, and hope using an assistive device will help you conserve your energy so you can do more. It sounds very worthwhile to me. :grouphug:
hey, CF, i'm w/ rainy and armee on this one. there was a time in mexico when i was using a walker. it really did help. (i think some people around me were more upset by it than i was) and whenever i've seen those w/ a seat on them, i've always thought 'what a great idea'. i hope yours helps you, too. it's ok to use whatever is on hand to get us from here to there. just like it's ok to take medicine to help us get from illness to wellness. by the by, i decorated mine - it helped bring a smile to my face when i'd go to use it. love and hugs :hug:
Using a rollator walker is about need and helpfulness, not age. I hear your self-consciousness about it though. I encourage you to do what is best for you. It's cool that you have one you can "test-drive."
Thank you, rainy, armee, san, and notalone. I'll write about it after I try it out.
Varric continues to eat the gravy cat food, vitamins, and supplement gel. He doesn't eat a whole packet of food at a time, so we save it and give it to him two hours later. It's feeding more often, but he's eating more. I think he'll start gaining again in a few weeks of this.
The disability med appt went about the same as the last one. Anxiety spiked my blood pressure, so it was measurable. The doc was at least kind and all when I managed to say I hadn't been with a male doctor in a really long time. Said what he needed to do before touching me, kept the door open, very nice. It probably helped that he was younger. Knee issues (at least he heard my knee pop, lol), walking issues, reduced grip strength, etc. It was short, even if they were 20 minutes behind, grrr. I really just want to get to the hearing now.
Not a whole lot going on other than what I've already mentioned about feeling down this month. *shrug* Blah.
Hey, CactusFlower. My husband has one of those walkers with a seat. He has arthritic knees. Walking is an issue but having to stand for any length of time (such as waiting for an elevator that never seems to arrive) is particularly painful. So the seat is really useful for him. He also uses it to sit on if we find ourselves in a restaurant with really uncomfortable chairs.
I can totally understand you feeling self-conscious, but I can also assure you that when you come to try one out you will probably find that nobody pays the slightest attention unless you/they need to interact for some reason. In the pre-Covid days when we dared to fly anywhere my husband would have wheelchair assistance. This meant checking him in at the disability counter and then I would have to take the walker over to the heavy baggage area for loading. The easiest way was for me to use it as a walker. The first time I had to do this I thought people would stare and wonder why I was using one. So I decided to run through the airport with it to really give them something to wonder about. What a waste of effort. Nobody batted an eye!
Thank you, Narckiddo! That does help. Fibromyalgia is my main pain issue, but I do have degenerative osteoarthritis in both knees, so that just adds to it. Can the height of the seat be adjusted? My canes are all on the lowest pin since I'm only 5 feet tall. I do like the idea of it in a restaurant, as sometimes the chairs hurt due to them not being exactly at my knees at my height. I'll look into different types. Everyone here is really easing my mind about the being self-conscious. :)
I went ahead and requested the walker after a little research on them. There's a service in town that takes used medical equipment, everything from crutches to beds, and restores/refurbishes them to give away to people who couldn't otherwise afford them. So I put in a request for a walker with seat. It stills feels weird, but I'm trying to tell myself that if it helps me, then there's nothing wrong with it. And if anyone else has an issue, I'm free to tell them go suck eggs. (but not that nicely, ha ha) So we'll see when they get back to me. I did have to put my height and weight on the form, so that should help. Most of the ones I saw on amazon would work fine. The price range on amazon was crazy, though. everything from $60 to 600! Having that little basket/bag under the seat would help, too. I could stick a water bottle in there.
Bro's going to the store to pick up meds, but it's gotta be later today. Our street is apparently on a charity run route this morning, raising money for the Zoo. The nice ladies who handed out brochure reminders yesterday said they had around 4000 runners signed up. I love how this town generally understands doing things for your community. Even if we're kinda stuck in here traffic-wise for half a day, ha ha.
I just am really so hopeful the walker will give you more energy. I love Narckiddos story of running through the airport and not getting a passing glance. You need and deserve some physical assistance even if the injury is not visible.
:hug:
I'm glad you've requested the walker. Let us know how you get on with it. I hope it turns out to be a great help.
Thank you, armee, san, and narc. They have 30 days to process it, so it's good I'm not in a hurry. :)
On and off dissociating today. Had a memory/revelation about how Mom was treated late last night, so it was the first thing on my mind this morning. Ugh. Complicated and horrible. Tea and toast and teddybear kind of day.
:grouphug:
Squeeze that teddy bear.
I hope all the supports you have and are putting in place like the walker bring ease and comfort in the long run. We need tools to help us and don't need to push ourselves to be without them.
i agree w/ both armee and rainy. make it as easy on yourself as possible, is my motto. i've been thru enough, don't need to add to that pile anymore. love and hugs, CF :hug:
Thank you, armee, rainy, and san. hugs back. I'm just taking it easy. Bro will be making me a neat birthday cake next week, so I'll take a picture of it. My BFF is taking me to a dinner theater murder mystery tomorrow night. It sounds like lots of fun. I'll have my therapist to talk to about all this Monday, so I'm trying to just take it as it comes. Processing is good, I tell myself. LOL
happy birthday, CF! the murder mystery theater sounds great! enjoy!!!
processing is good?, no matter how much it sucks sometimes! lol!!! love and hugs :hug:
The murder mystery dinner theater was awesome! It was at a hotel banquet room, so there were only 8 round tables max with 8 people at each table. BFF and I guessed the motivation and method, we were just off on the person we chose. It ended up being the woman sitting next to me! hahaha. It was very campy, very silly and I laughed a lot. Our table was mostly older people, so I didn't feel weird. Someone else even had the kind of walker I am looking at, and hers was purple! I think that was a hint from the universe, lol. The food was good and the dessert was a very fudgy chocolate cake. I'm sure my therapist will be pleased. I was very very grateful we weren't sitting at the table with one woman who seemed *doused* in perfume, ugh. If you're in the USA, it's apparently a company that's in a lot of major cities, called Detective Dinners. They swap scripts often, so go to one and it's a different story at the next one. It can be a bit loud, especially if they're really dramatic funny actors. But they have warnings and everything on the websites. I can definitely recommend if you like the genre. It reminded me a lot of the home party murder mystery games you could get and host at home in the 90's and 00's. I do think I was a bit at ease because of the age of the people at my table. They were all very nice. One was a retired teacher celebrating her 80th birthday! :) I'm quite exhausted and worn out from the chairs and the social interactions, but it went well. I'm sure my therapist will be pleased, LOL. Definitely going to sleep late in the morning though.
so glad you enjoyed your nite out, CF. i've gone to those homestyle murder mysteries and thought they were a hoot! i never guessed right, but had a good time anyway.
keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Well. I haven't written here this week. I also caught a cold for my birthday, lol. I hate being so congested. So I've just been taking meds, eating oranges, and resting. The cats certainly don't mind the extra naps. My cake was lovely and delicious. Bro got me a fountain pen and a gift card, which I used to get a few fun things on amazon, like a coloring book, some lovely rose-scented lotion, and a kit to grow sprouts. I like sprouts in a salad or on a sandwich, so that should be a way to get more healthy food in me. I also got a small collectible tin for my tea; it has Queen Elizabeth on it. I also got some Yorkshire brand tea on a recommendation and WOW, yeah, it's soooooo much better than PG Tips. I'll definitely get that from now on.
I was able to process a little stuff about mom's passing and will probably talk further to my T about it. Nothing else has really come up while I've been sniffling and such, so I guess that's a good thing. I can feel my energy flagging again, so I'll write more tomorrow.
I'm sorry that you haven't felt well this week and hope the rest has been beneficial. I enjoyed reading about your birthday and the ways you celebrated yourself.
I'm glad you had a fun time at the murder mystery dinner.
Sorry you weren't feeling well on your b-day. Nice that bro made you a cake and gave you gifts. :grouphug:
Belated birthday wishes. Sorry you were under the weather for it. Hope you are feeling better now.
So, you are an English tea afficionado? I'm not keen on strong "builder's tea" myself but everyone who likes it would go for Yorkshire tea over PG Tips. So you were given a good steer there. And you got a colouring book! That is my latest hobby and I am going a bit mad for it at the moment. I find it so relaxing. I was passing the craft shop this morning on another errand and the call was too strong. Now I have some oil pastels to add to my collection... :whistling:
sorry you've been under the weather, CF. hope that's all gone by now, or at least on its way out the door.
ooooh, a fountain pen. my favorite writing instrument. some day i'll get one again. had a really good one but lost it, and now it's out of my price range. enjoy enjoy! happy for you for all the rest of your gifts, too. sending love and a hug filled w/ 'hope you're well soon!' :hug:
Thank you and hugs back, notalone and rainy. It's so nice to be able to breathe again.
NarcKiddo: I love tea! All kinds (not rooibos, though), but basic black tea is my everyday drink. I have an electric kettle and can make a decent cuppa, LOL. I'll go ahead and use up the PG tips since I have so much, but the Yorkshire is my afternoon "treat" for now. Caffeine doesn't really affect me much, fortunately. :)
San, thank you, it's over. I'll message you privately about fountain pens. ;)
Generally, not a good day today, so it was heartening to come on here and feel the connections. Woke up at 5-ish from a nightmare/memory and couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up, fixed myself some tea and toast, and wrote down what I could about it for next week's therapy. Sometimes I feel like therapy kinda "triggers" more to come up. I suppose it's supposed to. I'll likely nap later, but just trying to take it easy for now. It was a particularly nasty memory with lots of shame and fear. Might be a teddy bear day. My Inner Children are definitely retreating a lot.
I'm here to sit on the floor next to you if company will help.
Dear little Sage. None of it was your fault and the shame you are stuck feeling isn't your shame. It belongs to someone else. Perhaps today you could break off just a little peace of shame and throw it out the window to find its real owner.
Thinking of you CF. Healing can hurt and I hope that in the long run this will support peace.
i know therapy/healing can trigger dreams for me, CF. to my mind, it's the subconscious opening up just that little bit more, getting ready to bring it to our consciousness where we can work on and resolve it when we're ready. however, that does not lessen the fact that nightmares are horrible experiences, can ruin our sleep and even the rest of the day. sometimes it's hard to see the healing for the horror.
to the little CF's who are restless, disturbed, distressed - teddy bear sounds about right. hope the nasty aftermath goes away quickly and you feel more at ease. love and hugs :hug:
Cactusflower, I'm sorry about the memory that was laden with shame and fear. I'm glad that you are working through this with your T, but sorry that you had to go through what created that memory. I'm sending you thoughts of support and healing.
Armee and san: Thank you! My littles definitely like that imagery and appreciate the support. Rainy and natureluvr, thank you so much. Just thinking of the care on this forum is so helpful.
Doing a bit better currently. Taking easy today to try to save some energy for tomorrow. I have to run to the post office and we're taking Varric for his vet checkup. Bro thinks he's gained a little bit of weight, let's hope so.
Fingers and toes crossed for kitty
good luck w/ varric, CF. hope everything is good, that he's healthy. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, armee and san!
Varric: Well, he only lost .2lbs since october and the vet agreed that was likely because he went to the litter box right before leaving, LOL We showed her the food, vitamins, and nutritional paste and she said we were doing everything right. The fact that he's stopped barfing and his poo is okay indicated to her he's doing okay and the weight gain will just be slow and steady. We do have an antibiotic to see if it can clear up anything respiratory, but otherwise we just keep going as we are. I'd have preferred he gained weight, but at least there's no significant loss. So we'll take it and keep on keeping on.
Me: I got a letter from social security. They denied me again. I let the lawyer know, even though he's copied. I was under the assumption that I'd get the hearing. He did respond late Friday night to let me know he'd appeal this level and specifically request the hearing. I'm somewhat depressed and angry even though I know this is common. Their doctor, their appointments, I probably knew deep inside that no one can honestly make a real determination or know how it is for me in 15 minutes of limping back and forth and squeezing their hands. BFF took me to dinner last night in commiseration. At least that was a positive, as that's the best Indian food in the city! It was so delicious. I made sure to give them a good review with pics on google.
Also, my right hip has been bothering me for a few days now. There's been no changes or sleeping in weird positions, overexertion, etc, so I don't know why. And it's not the part of the hip where your hand usually rests, it's back and further down. if it's not better by Tuesday, I might make an appointment. Gods, aging + bad health sucks. Sigh. BFF says it's probably sciatica. Like I need that. Ugh.
I'm hoping and praying your kitty feels better soon. It's difficult when our pets are sick.
The thing with social security sounds pretty frustrating. Dealing with government bureaucracy is never fun.
:bighug:
Sorry about social security. It stinks that you have to fight so hard to get what you need.
I hope your hip feels better soon.
I'm so sorry, CF. Fibro is a chronic debilitating illness that is strongly correlated with the abuse you endured. It's unconscionable what they are putting you through. :grouphug:
Thank you, natureluvr, notalone, and armee. Big hugs back.
Varric is still eating well. It might be too early to tell (today is antibiotics dose 3), but he seems to be... less productive on the mucus front, in my opinion. They're both asleep in the window seat sunshine at the moment.
I need to get bro to buzz my hair again today. It's grown out enough to have the "electrified hedgehog" look. LOL Buzzing it does make it so easy to wash. That and between my headwraps and wigs, I don't worry about going out. Well, not for that.
BFF's friend who was an actress in the mystery dinner thing wants to go to dinner with me and him. Not really sure why, but she was nice when I met her. We'll do that this thursday. No therapy today, it's Memorial Day, and bro doesn't have class either. Nice and quiet so far, I'll take it. No Jinx, ha ha.
CF, my heart is so w/ you on that whole disability thing. my D was also denied twice, and is now waiting for a hearing which won't be till next year. another bureaucratic institution which doesn't recognize the crippling effects of trauma. it is beyond frustrating and so threatening financially. know you're not alone w/ this, if that's any help.
so glad you got that indian food. sounds delish! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, San! We're actually going back to that place today for the lunch buffet and treating my BFF as tomorrow is his birthday. He's going on a road trip to visit his sis Wednesday, so Bro is baking the sugarfree lemon cookies right now that BFF likes. $10 says they don't make it to Wednesday, ha ha.
Other than the leg, I'm ok. Large amounts of Motrin do help it, but like any other painkiller, it's by making me take naps. Not a trade I like, but this is super ow.
Checkin with meds doc last week had her adding prozac to the list, which bro will pick up tomorrow. I tried it for depression way back in college, but it didn't do much back then. Well, bodies change over 20 some odd years, so we'll see if it helps now. I do hate taking so many pills.
I also feel like I want to be creative, but nothing's coming to mind and I run out of energy. I'll have to think about this. I don't know if I want to write or draw. I can't really do either for long periods of time, which is frustrating. I also need to see where my drawing glove is so I can use my tablet. I kinda feel like I want to design some stickers, but I need ideas....
yeah, pills. CF, i totally relate. i have gotten to the point where i've been able to embrace my meds as helpers, and have found the right combo for me, so that's a relief. so very sorry, tho, that you've gotten some added to your list. i hope the prozac is helpful this time. trying to get meds right is a crapshoot. fingers crossed! and enjoy that buffet! sounds aMAZing. love and hugs :hug:
Thanks, san!
The big thing of the day is Varric's followup vet visit. Disturbingly, he's lost .4 lbs in a week and a half. They did xrays, but nothing really showed because he's pretty much too skinny. At least there was nothing there x-ray-wise. He got bloodwork, so I'll be called with those results later. he was a very good boy, at least. He's been sent home with some other meds that are anti-nausea and appetite stimulants, so hopefully they'll do something. The antibotic seemed to reduce the amount of nosewiping, but it's not totally gone. Thank the GODS for my bro, because all that was about 10$ less than a rent payment, holy carp. He says he'll have to do payments if we end up having to have an ultrasound on Varric, because that's about $600 itself. I have never in my life had such costs for the fur babies. Just... Makes me sick to think what would happen if I was alone.
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday before therapy because I was so worried, and so angry at myself for not being able to better take care of them like I could before. I was a mess. I was better after therapy, but I did rant for a moment. I think I might take a nap this afternoon. The stress just makes everything hurt. At least when I do nap, the cats tend to get on either side of me and cuddle.
CF, I am often caught off guard how much vet care costs and it's hard to plan for. It is also challenging for me all of the feelings that caring for my cat bring up in me. I hope your pet feels better and am grateful for the support you have.
trigger warning: pet illness and loss
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I'm a freaking mess right now. Varric's bloodwork came back with worsening inflammation indicators. He's also gotten much worse in the last couple days. It's likely a cancer. However, he has refused to eat since Tuesday, refuses his nutritional gel he used to beg for, can't even keep water down, and has been trying to hide under the bed off and on. He's starting to suffer, so we have a last appointment for tomorrow morning to let go. I've already gone through half a box of tissues and will be a wreck tomorrow, so I likely won't be on for a couple days. I've emailed my therapist and will still see her Monday. He's sleeping in the sunny window currently. He also wants to bear with us, but doesn't want to be held. For a cat that likes to be held 24/7, that's terrible. I did NOT think this would come so soon; he's only 9 and a half. We'll have to give Pumpkin extra attention, of course, she won't understand. I'll post again later or next week. I do have loving support and our vet is incredibly caring. I'll be ok, just... not right now. Hugs to you all.
:bighug:
I'm so sorry Cactus Flower :grouphug:
Hugs to you Sage, I am so sorry and here are the hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope :)
oh dear, CF. my heart is with you. what a horrible time to go thru for both of you. fingers crossed and prayers flying, my dear. love and hugs :hug:
I'm so very sorry Cactus Flower,
I thank you for your courage to post about this difficul time and loss Cactus Flower and that you characterized it as a possible trigger warning.
I went to vet with my cat yesterday and did not realize that the anxiety, emotion, rawness, fear I was feeling was actually a trigger.
Caring and compassionate :hug:
Thinking of you, CF. What a difficult thing.
Oh gosh, I know how it hurts. Hugs to you.
Thank you and group hug to everyone who commented. It's been hard, but having support means a lot. I shared about it in my Saturday Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meeting, and someone in there said a really beautiful thing.
Our beloved pets are sent to us by our Higher Power/the Universe to show us what truly unconditional love is, and to show us we can love and are worthy of love in return.
I cried at that, but it's very powerful and I'm going to remember it. I did email my therapist and we'll talk Monday. Again, thank you all for your messages of care. I hold them in my heart.
I appreciate the beautiful message from the group about pets being sent to us.
Thank you for sharing the pet message - love that.
That is really beautiful. So hard to let go when it's time, but so necessary too. Part of the love, as is the grief.
So true, Armee, so true. I know it sounds silly, but when the Marvel show Wandavision aired, at the end, Vision said, "What is grief, but love persevering?" I thought that was lovely too. I've put off putting away my laundry because his little kitty sweaters are in there.
Fortunately, I'm on a neighborhood Buy Nothing group in Facebook. I put up the remainder of his food and supplement gels, and they were claimed quickly, so they went to people who could use them. That helped.
CF, i've been thru this in my own life, i get it. i'm with you all the way. it's a very difficult thing to do, but i love that quote and believe it's true. love persevering. beautiful. sending love and a hug filled w/ whatever you need right now. :hug:
I'm so sorry for your loss, Cactus Flower
Dear Sage,
I am sorry for your loss. I think that the saying that you quoted was lovely - it reminded me of the unconditional love I once felt from a lovely animal that was in my life. Precious memories and truely a powerful connection.
:hug: to you in your loss.
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope, Armee, and San.
We get Varric's ashes back on Monday. We had a good long talk about not letting Pumpkin be alone too long and agreed that while no one can replace our sweet silly boy, we still have love to give and a place in our lives. Our requirements were no orange tabbies, an adult, and has to get along with other cats. Obviously.
We went to our County shelter yesterday afternoon and it was crazy BUSY. Which was good. We met the most adorable little girl cat. She's very affectionate and comes running for scratches and cuddles. She even sat in bro's lap at the shelter. (sucker, ha ha) That's exactly the personality we were hoping for. She's spayed, of course, but had previously had kittens and that's why her tummy's shaved at the moment. She is only 2 years old. She's having so much fun having all the room in the house to run and play and hide, and has found the catnip bananas and the birdies window. She and Pumpkin have only had a few hisses and haven't bothered each other, so that's a good sign. So I'm happy to introduce Abyss, who will probably be nicknamed Abby. Such a cute, sweet, soft little girl! At the moment, she's in Bro's lap, dozing off and kneading. Check back soon, I'll message Kizzie to approve these intro pics. :)
she looks adorable, CF. so glad you found her. love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate you sharing pictures of your cat. I love cats and hope this one settles well into your home.
That's a good choice, to share the love you have. Welcome new kitty!
Trigger warning for cremation discussion.
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We picked up his ashes today. Ya'll. This vet... I am so glad we chose them. We got Varric's ashes back. They're inside a navy blue satin bag, inside a handmade paper box with leaves and flowers embedded in the paper, which was inside a navy blue velvet bag. There is a Certificate of cremation and the envelope included a grief pamphlet. I didn't even know there was a national hotline for grief over a pet. They also did the "last paw print" in plaster and included a little stand for it. It's just perfect. Such beauty and care went into what they do. I'm so impressed, and it helps so much. It does feel kind of better in the house.
Abby is definitely a lap cat and has just attached herself to bro like a barnacle. It's super sweet. It's still a sad time, but her love helps.
Oh, a positive note! One of the people in my Saturday ACA meeting is a personal trainer, and she's working with me on some stretches that help sciatic pain until I can get to the Dr. at the end of July. I'm so grateful! It doesn't make it go away, but it does make it tolerable for several hours. So kind of her. I do hate taking painkillers that don't really work, and this means I'm not sitting on an icepack most of the day. So thank you, Higher Power, for her kind offer.
i'll double that thank you to your higher power, CF, not only for the sciatica (it's such a pain, so to speak) but for the beautiful and personal way Varric was taken care of.
so glad abby has made herself at home. very cool! love and hugs :hug:
Glad to hear you are getting some help with the sciatica.
Thank you for sharing the pics of Abby. She looks so cute and I am glad she is settling in happily. I was surprised and pleased by how nicely everybody dealt with us and the pugs when they had to go on ahead. I am glad your experience with this aspect was as positive as such a thing can be.
That's great you're getting a bit of help with the sciatica, it is miserable I know.
So sorry to hear about Varric :hug: The vet sure seemed to handle the whole thing well which helps make it a more positive memory.
I'm sorry to hear about Varric. I've been there and I know it is so sad. Congratulations on your new kitty. She's adorable.
Just been dealing lately. Sadness over Varric, still. Abby hasn't been thrilled with Pumpkin, but they'll get there. Sheesh, can Abby scream! She also got into a bag of cat food overnight that we didn't put in the bin right away. Clearly a former street cat. She's still sweet, though. But yeah, just been quite down. I also got another disability denial, so now we've formally requested the hearing. I opted to allow a video meeting. There's hope there, as they apparently can get scheduled a little faster than in-person meetings, but it still might take almost another year. I really hate this process. It's also been 10 years since Mom passed. Where does the time go? My psych doc added Prozac to the mix this month, but we're going to just continue at the same dose for now since it was hard to see any improvement with all the cruddy things.
I'm here and ok so far, just haven't been as talkative. group hug!
:grouphug:
It's really terrible what they are putting you and everyone else through with disability. I'm sorry. Between that and your recent loss I'd feel quite down too.
Thanks for checking in. Sorry to hear things aren't going better on the disability front. :grouphug:
CF, you know i'm with you on this disability thing. my D is waiting now for her court appeal, and yeah, it's been a horrible circus. i'm so sorry you're going thru this. it's hard to wrap my head around these denials when i see the struggle to just make it from here to there, let alone try to hold down a 9-5 job. my heart is with you. love and a hug filled w/ 'hang tough' :bighug:
Thank you, Armee, Narc, and San. Gentle grouphug back.
I think part of why I'm down is that Abby has clearly bonded right off with Bro. She lets me pet and give her scratches, but isn't very cuddly to me. Varric wanted to be held 24/7, lol. I just miss having a cuddly kitty. I miss holding Varric, or him sitting on my chest or side when I lay down. I love Pumpkin, of course, but she'd never been the cuddle type, even though she's sweet otherwise. She has been close at bedtime, at least.
Between that and this being the time of year for fireworks, I'm holding my stuffed animals a lot more this weekend. I just want to sleep, even though I'm not actually sleepy. I'm keeping an eye on this as I'm hoping it's not one of the odd side effects of the prozac. We'll see. But I haven't been a hungry as normal either, and that's unusual for me. I have plenty of sandwich stuff and low-energy things I can make, fortunately. Just... blah.
I'm sorry you're feeling down, though it's totally understandable. I would be, too.
As for Abby, I think you just have to give it time. She's finding her way in a new home and just because she is close to Bro now does not mean she won't get closer to you. When I added a second dog to our household I thought I had made a terrible mistake. Older pug made it clear I had ruined his life forever and would have nothing to do with pup. (It worked out in the end, but the first year was tough.) I loved pup, but I hadn't got to know him yet; he was very intelligent and very challenging. And then, gradually, without me even noticing, he became my heart dog. Abby may also be picking up on your sadness and maybe she thinks you need space right now. And maybe you do, a bit, even if it doesn't feel that way. Animals tend to be very wise, emotionally, I think. There will be a big, Varric-shaped, hole in your life for some time and you just have to wait for it to feel less raw. Keep hugging your stuffed animals and take care of yourself.
Thank you, Narc, you're probably right. it's all too easy for me to jump to a bad conclusion, even if it's not reality. They actually were within about 6 feet of each other this morning without growling. The stare-downs are kinda funny. And yeah, it's still hard to watch cute cat videos with an orange tabby. Thanks for the reminder of common sense. :)
on an unrelated positive note, bro got the ingredients for a nice treat, a chocolate cream pie. That'll be lovely in this heat.
pie was good. Have felt very blah last few days. Might actually be the prozac, will continue to monitor. BFF says it's "anhedonia". A loss of pleasure in things one used to enjoy. I can't bring myself to write anything or be creative, I don't really care that much about doing the step work, etc. Just blah. If it keeps up too much longer, I will email doc about discontinuing the prozac.
I'm glad you noticed how the way you are experiencing the medication and are taking steps to sort out the changes you are noticing.
Have not taken the Prozac for 2 days. Seem a little more engaged today with stuff. BFF had noted that while on it, I declined two lunch invites. I personally also realized I'd lost some appetite; part not being hungry, part not caring if I ate.
Actually had an interesting thing happen the other day. A writer for a local magazine will be doing a feature about the anthology of military stories (I got my author's copy, whee!) and was also wanting to talk about tattoos we have. Me, BFF, and 1 other author were the only ones who showed up for the writer. We had pictures taken, told the story of our tattoos, etc. But, we'll be the center feature in next month's issue! It feels a bit surreal, but really cool.
Also looking forward to the writer's convention. I'll be absent Thurs-Sun and I decided not to take my laptop. Having to carry that, my purse, and was with the cane just sounds way too unwieldy. I have some blank notebooks that will fit in my purse and those will do fine. I'm not really excited about being around a lot of people, but at least we're there willingly and the space is large. And they're feeding us, which is nice. The motel we're staying at is cute and vintage-styled, small and run by two couples. It has all the normal amenities. I'll have my phone, but I don't check the forum and stuff on there because I can't remember a ton of passwords, LOL. Hopefully I'll learn some important stuff about writing and publishing.
I'm sorry it doesn't seem like Prozac is going to be helpful but so glad you figured out it is likely behind the lack of desire to do things and it sounds like a good choice to stop and see how things change.
That's super exciting about the magazine feature! You have important stories to tell that will help other people and it takes a lot of courage to put ourselves out there. Good job!
Congratulations about your writing and also for identifying differences you note with and without Prozac.
i hope the convention goes well for you, CF. i've always enjoyed them. and, yeah, meds are always a crapshoot. glad you were able to sort that out for yourself. they just don't work the same for everyone. and that pie sounded amazing! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, san, rainy, and armee. If I learned anything from all those years working in the medical field/healthcare, it's "document, document, document". Even if you don't think it's important. But then, I'm also the kind of person who completely reads the info sheet you get with prescriptions, LOL. I told my doc when we started all this that I'd try whatever she recommended, and I have. Fortunately, she is also willing to change things when I report that something isn't working or has a side effect I can't tolerate.
Saw a video last night on something called neurographic art. I might try it as not a lot of supplies are required. I like doodling and coloring, so that's right up my alley.
Hi Sage,
The neurographic art is something I might look at as well - it sounds like fun. I enjoy dot to dots, so maybe doodling and colouring might be something I'd also like. I'm struggling to get into anything creative. Thanks for sharing the name for the art, I've never heard of it before. I'm going to take a note of it, and have a look.
Hope you enjoy it.
Sending you a hug as well relating to your grief about your lovely pet. :hug: Glad you have a new pet - but it's still sad to miss and grieve the one you lost. I am sorry.
Hope :)
Well, I'm back from the Writer's Convention. So much to process, but I have therapy tomorrow, so that's good. All in all it was very good. There were actually only about 4 or 5 staff and 25 attendees (it's the first year they've done it), which helped a lot. Plus, we already knew one of the people as he's the editor of the anthology our stories are in. Everyone was was very open and nice without being pushy or too extroverted. (writers, right? LOL) Some really talented people. It was nice to be around people who are creative in a similar way to what I and my BFF do, and who wanted to learn and share and connect. I learned quite a lot and actually produced some really decent stuff in the exercises, stuff that has great potential, I'm hoping. With such a smaller group, it really felt more like a book club or something meeting at someone's house. The food was good and they provided bagels and coffee in the morning, delicious sandwiches for lunch, and some nice but simple dinners. It was all locally produced, which I liked. Even the ice cream for dessert was local, and really good!
Friday evening, the staff/teachers/keynote speakers had a reading and shared some of their stuff. The keynote speaker was from Ireland! His stuff was very moving, very powerful. Saturday evening, the attendees got to do readings. I took a big leap and read a poem I'd written years ago about cancer. I was nervous, but it got huge applause (blush), and the keynote speaker said to me personally later on how much he liked it! I was trying not to fangirl and squeak. Some of my heritage is Irish and I'm very drawn to its creative history and culture, so that meant a lot to me.
Something I think my therapist will like is another big risk I took. The woman who read after me had two short poems. One was also about cancer, and the second one was about losing her cat. I totally cried some during it. But after we were all done, I went over to her and shared about my recent pet loss and we totally understood each other... and we hugged. I hugged a stranger and it was okay. I don't think I could have done that with anyone else even though they were are quite lovely people, but that connection, even in grief was a bit healing in its own way.
I think because so many of us read our creations that were very intense, very personal (many were on some kind of grief) and very... vulnerable, we felt safe with each other. At least 3 men who read were able to cry, and they and others had no shame in letting some tears go when others read. it deepened the feeling of connection. I feel like the connections I made this past weekend, and the others I've made here over the past couple years, are the kind I always *should* have had. Aw, dang it, now I'm crying. But I'm somehow smiling despite it.
Oh, and I didn't bother with the prozac, really, I just remembered to take the prazosin and famotidine before bed. The motel was very comfortable cute, and clean. I really enjoyed staying there. I certainly hope they do this again next year, I'd love to go back. Quick addendum: Physically, it was exhausting and painful to sit all day on a hard chair at a table, but my BFF folded up a blanket out of his car to put on the seat. So I'll be physically useless for a few days now, but I'm ok.
That sounds awesome! I'm so glad it went well. Well done for writing your poem and for being brave enough to read it out and for getting the applause, which I know will have been richly deserved. :cheer:
so glad you enjoyed the convention, CF. it really is special to take our creative minds into a place of creativity. i hope you get to go again, maybe w/ a pillow for those chairs! lol! (I've actually done that many times). love and hugs full of rest and decompression. :hug:
Been a bit busy lately. I'll be going with a couple other authors from the anthology to a local library next month to do a reading. I must admit, pretty nervous about that. BFF is going too since he has a story in there as well. He keeps telling me that the audience is there because they find this specific type of book interesting, so they WANT to hear it. That helps. A little, lol. But my therapist is glad I'm getting out there and agrees with my BFF.
Worked on editing some writing from the retreat into actual story form. I submitted it to the critique group and got very helpful feedback, so I can edit further. I'd like to try submitting it to an online magazine. Also going through and revisiting some old poetry.
The heat wave kinda of broke here. It's sad when mid-90s is considered cooler, but it was miserable here the first part of the week.
Next week I have med check-in, so I can tell her the prozac was awful. Also, *finally* have to regular doc visit for the sciatic pain. It's eased a wee bit with some stretched I learned, but not totally gone. At this point, do whatever, just make it stop. The fibro is bad enough, I don't need more pain on top of that.
No you dont need more pain on top of fibro. Make it stop please world! :grouphug:
That's so awesome you are doing a library reading. You are amazing.
I hope you can get rid of the sciatic pain now the doc appointment has finally come round.
The library reading sounds great. Of course it can be scary having the prospect of doing something like that, but I'm sure you'll ace it.
hi, CF. my D did a library stint a couple years ago, and the audience was wonderful. as BFF says, they're there cuz they're interested in that type of book. best to you - i have no doubt it will go really well.
i hear you about layering pain upon pain. nuh uh, no! i hope you get the relief you need. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, armee, narckiddo, and san, grouphug back! You know, the connections I've made here on OOTS mean so much to me, I would be willing to share a hug in real life. I know we're all far apart, but that's how safe I feel after sharing this healing journey so far. :)
Still working on some poems. I'm transcribing a couple that I did at the retreat so I can edit them. It feels good to be creative. I honestly can't imagine how much worse it could be if I couldn't write. Well, I kinda can, the Prozac temporarily suppressed the inspiration and desire to make things, and that was awful. But to have it that bad for the three years (wow) I've dealt with this? ugh.
I did have a weird nightmare the other night. Not to give details, but there was violence, fear, and a lot of escape attempting. It definitely woke me up with heart racing and breathing hard. At least I was able to get back to sleep and the rest of the night wasn't horrible. my T said it's fascinating how our minds work on things in metaphor sometimes.
Hi CactusFlower,
That does sound like a weird nightmare - I'm glad you were able to get back to sleep and the remainder of the night wasn't horrible.
I'm glad you're enjoying opportunities to be creative, that is so lovely. I hope your poems are enjoyable and you get some inspiration to continue with them.
Hope :)
Thanks, Hope. :)
Well, the prozac didn't work, so now we're trying Wellbutrin. I got in to see about the sciatica and my doc agrees that's what it is. She prescribed some PT, Gabapentin for pain, and some xrays just in case because she's not sure of the cause. I hate taking pills. That makes 6 different ones now. I can guess where it comes from, but I do have this basic reaction that needing meds = failure. Intellectually, I know it isn't, but that reaction is hard to get rid of.
The fiction is going well. The cats still don't quite like each other. I think the heat is getting to me because blah. Not meds, they haven't had long enough to build up. I also have a really weird craving for taco bell. Unfortunately, the only one nearby has a parking lot that makes it very hard to get in and out of. (5-way intersection, it's on the wedge) I want crunchy tacos. I could get the shells at the store, but those always taste... stale. Sigh.
hey, CF, crunchy tacos! yum! i've often gotten corn tortillas and fried them up myself - i like those a lot better than store-bought taco shells. just a thought.
hopefully, you'll find the meds that help you the most in the least amount of time. yeah, i agree, it's hard to get rid of the 'if i'm using meds to help me, it's cuz i can't do it on my own.' well, i couldn't fix my broken wrist or arm on my own, either. it's just that those wounds are visible, like that makes them more important and understandable and acceptable. i hate those old messages that stick like glue. ugh! love and a hug filled w/ acetone to dissolve that glue. :hug:
I was wondering how your appt for the sciatica went. I hope the Gaba and PT help.
I know what you're saying about all the meds you're taking, I too feel like I've failed in some weird way. I also take it as a sign of getting older and I have not come to terms with being a senior yet. The list of meds and issues just keeps getting longer - bah.
Very cool about doing the reading - takes some courage to do that so bravo! :thumbup:
Can you get tacos delivered? We have an app called Deliveroo where a driver will go to any food joint that has signed up to the delivery service and bring your order. You prepay and of course it all costs more than going to the place yourself. But it arrives hot (at least it did the one time I used the app).
I hope the meds work for you. I also hate taking meds, for all kinds of reasons, so I can resonate with your reluctance. But sometimes it's the best course of action.
Hugs to you, San, Kizzie, and Narc! I might have to try making the shells myself. We have Doordash, Grubhub, and Uber Eats as an option, but 1-yeah, they get expensive, especially if you don't order much, and 2 - taco bell tends to get a little cooled off by the time they get here, which defeats the purpose. But I'll look into what it takes to make my own. :)
So far, the Gabapentin does seem to take the sharp edge off the sciatica, at least. Means I don't have to sit on an ice pack currently. I have to call Monday to schedule the PT (because of course they didn't call me on getting the referral) now that my bro has registered for his next semester. I had to know his class days first since I rely on him for transportation.
There's still cat yelling on Abby's side, but their distance is narrowing, lol. I have managed to hold her for a couple of minutes when Pumpkin isn't in the room. *rolls eyes*
My T wants me to work on the avoidance more. How do I get around that? LOL, just kidding. I know it involves exposing me to possible triggers, but it's really hard. I'll tell myself "I'll work on that today", then I distract myself, forget intentions, and by the time I think about it again, it's the evening. Gotta work on it harder, if I can. Ugh.
Family dinner tonight. I have to wash the crockpot soon, I'm doing a pork roast with veg and sauerkraut and applesauce. Nomnomnom.
Thinking of you CF as you navigate all of this.
That's wonderful CactusFlower that you are a writer. How did the reading go at the library?
I'm sorry that you are dealing with having issues with the various meds.
I've done a lot of exposure stuff. If you go all out it can backfire if it becomes retriggering or traumatizing but a little at a time seems to help. I've found it's best if I try but also respect that little voice saying no stop too. But there's a lot of power and pride in expsoure therapy too. It does seem to work even for things that seem impossible to "get over."
Armee, agreed, I do need to set limits to prevent overwhelm as well.
The library reading is the 12th, so, next week. :)
CF, boundaries can be tough, but oh so important, to my mind, to prevent overwhelm. that has snuck up on me more times than i can recall, but it was never pretty. best to you with finding your limits. love and hugs :hug:
I'm unsure how the exposure therapy is going. I turn on the true crime channel, and it's not playing things that would trigger me. On the other had, I was able to get through someone's personal trauma story with only taking two breaks.
Have had several nightmares lately. I'm not sure if my brain's trying to gear up for another reveal (gee, thanks...) or just needs to chill. I've had to sleep with my teddy bear, which isn't great in this heat. (sorry, Cocoa.)
The sciatica is not quite as sharp due to Gabapentin, so I'm okay with that. My doc also had me get lumbar xrays as she didn't know what was causing it. Backlog at radiology means it could be 2-3 weeks before the reading is uploaded. She also ordered PT and the soonest they can start is October! Sheesh. But Bro got me a great gel cushion and lumbar cushion for my desk chair so that was very sweet.
The book reading went very well. There weren't a lot attendees, mostly friends and family of the 9 readers. Man, some of their poems and stories were powerful! One dude was in his early 90's, he started writing in his 70s! A funny thing was that BFF and I went to early dinner afterwards, and we saw two other readers in the restaurant! haahahah (It's a popular place.) I was glad that it didn't feel very pressuring, so I had a good time. I'm still exhausted, of course, and those chairs weren't very comfy, but I'll be ok by tomorrow. They also gave each of us a bottle of water, that was nice.
Just taking it easy for now, staying cool, and writing. I have a short story in the running in a contest online, wish me luck? Won't know for a couple weeks, but I'm just glad it got in.
Hi CactusFlower,
Wishing you luck for your short story online contest. I bet it's a great story, and whatever happens, I think you deserve to win.
Hope :)
glad your reading went well, CF. good luck w/ what comes next. i think it's a good thing to get out and into such a community. everyone is rooting for everyone else. love and hugs :hug:
I'm so impressed by your reading. It's a hard thing to do I would imagine. Very hard.
Good luck with the contest!!!
I wish the pain would just go away but at least your doctor is taking it seriously and trying things to help. :hug:
I'm also glad the reading went well, and wish you lots of luck in the contest. I'm glad Bro was able to find some good cushions. Medical delays seem to abound the world over these days. :'(
Armee, San, Hope, Narc - thank you so much. :) grouphug if you want.
Had a little energy this morning so I made biscuits so we can have "breakfast for dinner" tonight. It's quite a bit cooler today, which is lovely. Especially since I slept poorly again last night. The wind didn't help. Just chilling and preparing for therapy.
CF I'm glad the reading went well for you! Good luck in the online contest. I like having breakfast for dinner too. It's easy and satisfying. I'm sorry your slept poorly last night - so did I.
I hope your breakfast for dinner is just what is needed after the day.
biscuits - yum!!! hope it hits the spot. sounds good to me. love and hugs, CF :hug:
Lol, the food was good, thank you. I made pork chops in our cast iron skillet yesterday (my bro had to lift it, lol) and they turned out delish!
I did not win the writing contest, but there were over 300 entries. I'm not worried about it, it's good experience. Writing has been going well.
I had a rather disturbing nightmare the other night. My parents were still divorced, but for some reason, Male Parental Unit was visiting. He kept exhibiting stranger and stranger behavior over a course of days (as dreams can go) and I was the only one who noticed. I remember I asked Mom when he was going to leave, but didn't get an answer. Finally, he was chasing me around the backyard. I woke at that point, whimpering and breathing hard like I'd really been running. I can see what the symbology is here, but I don't agree. I fully feel that even if Mom wasn't consciously aware, something made her leave when we did, and I don't think it was just him being a *#&%.
Still appreciating these chair cushions.
I kinda treated myself. Bro had bought me a fountain pen in a style I really like in their newest color... I think that was for my birthday? Anyhoo, I did a survey and got a small Amazon gift card, so I got a bottle of ink I've been wanting. Platinum Carbon Black. Waterproof, archival, and severely dark. I love it! I've seen some videos regarding sketching with this ink and then watercolor, so we'll see. I'll definitely do a lot of writing with it.
I did have a huge anxiety moment the other day. I have a date for my disability hearing! Early November, by video. So glad I chose that option. I googled the judge and he has an acceptable rate of approvals. My lawyer is aware and is going over things, to let me know if I need to do anything. I did give him a copy of the xrays and report from the sciatica, as they indicated some arthropathy in the lumbar region. Joy. /sarcasm So on one hand, I'm very relieved to finally have a date. On the other, it's a whole new level of anxiety. AAAGGHHH. Ok, I'm breathing.
hey, CF, i LOVE my new fountain pens. there's just something about writing w/ liquid ink. i've also thought about sketching w/ them. good luck if you delve into that venture.
sorry about the writing contest. been there. stings a little, but like you said, there are always so very many entries. hopefully, next time . . .
congrats on getting your hearing date. new level of anxiety, for sure. fingers crossed and prayers flying! love and a hug filled w/ all the winning vibes available. :hug:
Thanks, san. Yeah, writing with the new ink is satisfying in a way. I'll try sketching eventually, just haven't been inspired at the moment.
Sigh. I noticed last night that Pumpkin hasn't been herself, and she's been... licking quite a bit. Poor baby has a butt problem, let's just say. The vet was able to get her in this morning for a drop-off appointment, so she's there now, and quite displeased. (I warned them she's vocal) I had a dog years and years ago who had the same problem, I feel for her. It's rather painful. But she should get fixed up okay and they'll call when she's ready to come home. :(
UPDATE: she's back, she'll be fine. we have antibiotics, but they're liquid, so that'll be easier. That and just smear on a little Aquaphor if it needs it. Weirdly, she didn't seem to have a microchip. I could have sworn she did. Well, she's definitely got one now, so that's in her record.
:wave: Hi Sage,
I know I haven't been on your Journal for a while. Well, I read yesterday but couldn't write for whatever reason. So glad you got an appt for Pumpkin right away and that she will be fine. :hug: :hug:
Hey Blueberry! That's fine, good to see you! We're glad too. I just gave the first antibiotics dose and she took it like a champ. Helps that it's a liquid. I did not know amoxicillin suspension looks like pepto bismol and smells like bubblegum. Neither of which she appreciated, LOL.
Pumpkin's doing fine, almost done with her meds and healing well. I, however, have not slept well the past two nights for some reason. The first one, I dreamed I was awake. You know when you're aaaaallllllmost asleep and laying there, but still slightly aware that you're awake? yeah, I dreamed was doing that. I was even vaguely aware I was dreaming it, but couldn't stop. Half the darn night, dreaming I was awake. Then last night, I dreamed I was assisting an executive assistant prepare a large, catered, big and important meeting off-site, so I was running around getting things in place, preparing, copying, etc. So I spent most of the night DREAMING I WAS WORKING. So yeah, not what I would call restful. Not nightmares, really, but totally not restful. ugh.
Oh man. Been feeling crappy for a day or so now. Wasn't sure why. I thought I was getting a migraine today because of a low-level all-day headache with nausea. Then I thought to look something up, and... Lovely. What happens if you don't get the refill on your Gabapentin for a few days? Headache, nausea, insomnia... It was Gabapentin withdrawal. This is awful. I know tomorrow is a holiday, but I'll be contacting my doc to find out later how to wean off this stuff. (It's a capsule, not a pill I could split) Highly unpleasant. I skipped my writing and my ACA group yesterday for feeling awful. I do have my gaba now, so I took one and should hopefully be back up to speed by morning, but I want off this crap. Major yuck.
Cactusflower,
Oh gosh, that sounds miserable, having to ween off of gabapentin. My wife takes it daily for her Renaud's syndrome. It also helps her sleep. I know we've all been told gaba isn't addictive, but I think that rumor is being challenged these days by a lot of people.
I've had to ween myself off of plenty of meds (and booze, and cigarettes) over the years, so I feel real compassion for where you are right now.
I hope the gaba addiction isn't a bad one. I hope you are able to gain some relief fairly quickly.
Thank you! Once I looked it all up, it's normal to have to go off slowly, and sudden stopping can even increase a risk of seizures! I swear, it's like watching a commercial for a drug for something, then they read off the list of possible side effects and you're like "Holy cow! that's worse than why you're taking it!" And that's exactly what it was, I was perfectly fine after about 20 minutes after taking it.
Have felt a bit listless and... aimless? Depersonalization/Derealization off and on. Went for my annual mammo yesterday. The practice has their own nice, new building now. Regardless of size, the place still felt nice and the care still felt personal and everyone is so kind. So I wasn't there too long. I also have a set date for my disability hearing finally! Nov 13. It's a remote meeting, but I said that was okay. Honestly, I'm kinda glad as I don't know if I'd have done well in person with a male judge. I looked him up and he has a relatively okay approval rate, so think positively for me, please. On the one hand, it's another level of anxiety, but on the other, I feel some relief to finally have things set in place. I just don't deal well with vagueness and not knowing.
I'm glad the meds are working for Pumpkin. I know all about butt problems as pugs were prone to it. Mine never had any major issues, thankfully, but they had really stinky glands that could make a horrendous stench. Not sure if cats have similar. It is those glands that could get impacted.
I hope you feel less listless soon. Maybe having the disability hearing date set will help. Fingers crossed for you. I am the same in terms of having difficulty with vagueness. I often say that even if something is going to be grim just tell me already so I can start dealing with the actuality. Being in limbo waiting on things is very stressful.
Im glad to hear that you have a hearing date set and truly hope they can see reason and qualify you for disability benefits.
Thank you, Narc and Armee. Yeah, having a set date does relieve a lot of worry in a way. And yes, it was that gland, poor Pumpkin. She's about 98% healed now. I only recognized it because I had a greyhound years ago with a similar issue.
Not great sleep last night, alas. It was very high winds and a little chilly. The power actually went out about 5 times for a minute or so each, then out for a couple hours. My electric company is very responsive to those and it was back on before bed. It must have been a substation or something, it was a whole quadrant of the main city. It's fine today, but cloudy and cooler. I think our monsoon season finally hit.
I managed to make a really good dinner yesterday. It's the Lemon-Dijon chicken skillet on bettycrocker.com. Delicious sauce! It was quite tasty over rice. It didn't really take a lot or a long time to make, so it wasn't overly hard for me. I would add sliced onions next time, but I love cooked onions. I plan on using my crockpot often this fall to have tasty leftovers with little effort. Now I need lunch, lol.
Feeling very down past few days. Physically lethargic and even more exhausted than usual. I don't recall specifically having nightmares, but have woken up crying several times, which isn't restful. I think it's some grief EFs. Not sure what for.
I'm sorry you're feeling down. Waking up crying can be so draining, especially if you don't have any clear indication why. Take care of yourself.
UGH. Not good. We had another zoombombing in our meeting this morning. It's a meeting for women, trans women and nonbinary people AFAB, so we want to create safe space. They used names to get in that were the same as some people who attend sporadically, so they could be admitted. We'll be implementing another level of security to verify, but that second it takes to remove the person is so jarring. It's literally a type of assault, just audiovisual. My heart is still trying to slow down and the adrenaline crash is awful. Comfort food has been ordered, but I'm still.... I'm furious and disgusted. We try so hard to make a safe space, yet WE keep having to do more and more to keep THEM out. it becomes our complex procedure and I'm just so blanking angry that it happens. I am all kinds of messed up now. Might just have a good cry and go to bed early tonight. At least I have video games that are... stress relievers, let's say. I can get rid of some monsters that way, at least.
I'm so sorry. I'd be shaking and angry too. It's so scary. I hope conquering video game monsters and comfort foods help.
This week's meeting went without incident. Still annoyed that we have to do so much, but it's worth it for a safe space. Still processing some sadness/grief on a subconscious level. Part of the reading in the meeting was about the Inner Loving Parent and the Inner Child, and it mentioned how sometimes the Inner Child may grieve what they didn't/couldn't have/get, and needs to express that grief before they can let go of some things. Maybe that's what's going on. Just trying to be kind with myself and let the feelings come as they will without judgement. Not easy, but that's not surprising. I would like to stop waking up crying during the night, though. Mainly because I get quite congested when I cry, then I have to sit up until I can breathe again. Very frustrating.
:hug: :hug:
1st PT session went okay yesterday. It'll be 4-6 weeks depending on how well I do, and focusing on core strength and flexibility since the sciatica is gone. At first, I was very apprehensive because it turned out I do have a male physio. I heard "danielle" over the phone, but it turns out it's "Daniel" with an accent. But I was able to tell him I had CPTSD from childhood trauma, and he asked what he could do for me. I said just tell me what you're doing before you do it, give me a path to the door, and if I dissociate, what that looks like. He totally agreed (he's also much younger than I, which helped) and thanked me for letting him know, and he was very conscientious and checked in often during the eval. I have some simple homework exercises and was also given one of those stretchy floppy bands to use. It also helped that although it was 1 to 1, there were quite a few other people there doing all kinds of stuff at various levels of ability. So I didn't feel watched or judged because they were all too busy. I was definitely exhausted afterwards, though, and napped when I got home. Bro was sweet and got us 5 Guys burgers for lunch. Their fries are awesome, LOL.
I don't know if the physical stuff caused anything or what, but I didn't sleep that great last night. Of course, I got to bed late because I'd napped, which is always annoying. But had several nightmares and one really weird dream about living with extended family members and telling them to clean up after themselves. The nightmares were... I don't remember much of the details, but I'll have to write down what I do remember to work on it. Highly unpleasant, let's just say. Mainlining the caffeine at the moment to try to wake up. Bleah.
I like the way you handled your PT by explaining how your CPTSD might affect you. It sounds like your PT therapist responded very well to your openness and your guidance for how to treat you.
Good job. That's a good lesson for me too.
And I know what you mean about not feeling judged in PT. I just know that there are not many people on earth who like PT. Everyone in the room is feeling the same love/hate for their torturer.
I'm glad you're seeing some improvement, and that the sciatica is gone.
Thank you, Papa Coco.
The second session was yesterday and it also went well. Mostly flexibility and stretches to loosen things up. I definitely napped yesterday afternoon, though. I must remember to take a water bottle next time, it was quite dry in there. I used Amazon's Prime Deal days Tuesday to get one of those yoga straps with loops sewn in to help with the stretches at home. Daniel said that was a great idea.
I think I understand better what some people mean when they discuss somatic/trauma release therapy, that the physical brings up the emotional and all. Nightmares have definitely increased since that first session, I'm beyond exhausted due to the disturbed sleep, and... I can hear one of my littlest Inner Children being loudly afraid of something. I'm a bit worried at what might come up, really.
To change to a positive note, Bro ordered an air fryer to replace the one that stopped working right. I'm excited because I do love using one for lots of things. You can make so much in them, it's so helpful. I also got an Amazon gift certificate for doing a survey/study on a phone game, so I have a 1-person microwave steamer arriving as well. It gets rave reviews for veggies and also fish, which I'd like to eat more of for my health. I'm going with BFF to Costco Monday, so I know I can find something there.
Bro also got me the Baldur's Gate 3 game about a week or so ago, so I'm enjoying taking my time with that in small sessions. The art/graphics is just gorgeous, and the storyline is what I like, complicated but open.
Anyhow, I need to rest again. too bad we can't just recharge like our electronics do, ha ha.
I'm sorry you aren't sleeping well. That makes everything more difficult. :hug:
Hugs, thank you, NotAlone.
It's not been a great week, but it's okay. I got my flu and COVID vaccines Friday, and just like last time, was out for the count Saturday. I slept most of the day, had no appetite, no energy, and everything hurt more than normal. I'm better now, but still have a bit of arm soreness. But I am done and protected for another year.
I'm glad you got your vaccines. Not fun to have the reaction, but better than contracting the disease. I have both of mine coming up later this month. One in each arm.
I'm also glad to hear you are getting a replacement air fryer. I am amazed how often we use ours. We even make hard boiled eggs in it!
NarcKiddo, I got one in each arm as well! All better now and yes, glad it's done.
Had a strange nightmare last night. I had a relatively normal dream up until what felt like the last few minutes. It changed dramatically and I dreamed that I was awake, sitting up in bed, and just howling with fear. Then I woke up for real and it was just (just!) my heart racing and panting instead. Pumpkin was still by my feet, so it helped to know she wasn't freaked out. (she often comes to see what's wrong, sweet kitty.)
Bro bought a wrist cuff blood pressure monitor that can store readings for two people, so that's a handy thing to have. Alas, I'm going to have to move into a diet change (DASH is the one most recommended) because it was unpleasantly high 3 different times just sitting there. I can't imagine how high it must be when I wake up like that. I apparently really need to lower the fat and salt in what I eat. There are lots of options I like on the Dash plan, though, so it won't be too much of a change.
Only one more PT visit, but he says I've done well and I know the stretches and such to do at home to feel better. So, yay? LOL
Grocery trip tomorrow. I'm going to make my potato soup, a lot of it. It freezes well and tastes even better later. I can eat that for several meals happily. Oh, I need lunch. ha ha No wonder I'm thinking of food.
BP un-safely high again on random reading. I am changing the diet, though. One of the meds I take for nightmares is actually a blood pressure med, so I'll mention the BP when I talk to that doc Weds Morning. if I continue over the next week or so to get high readings when not doing anything in particular, I'll talk to my regular doc. My disability hearing is in just a few weeks, I really don't need more worries. At least I have lots of fish and fresh veggies after our last grocery run.
Not much else today, I've done laundry and had therapy, so I think I'll crash for the afternoon. Whew.
TW: violent dream description, abandonment
Made a couple soups in the crockpot last couple of days. Hard tiring work, but I now have leftovers for several days that I know I'll like. I do love my potato soup when it's chilly, which it's definitely edging on lately. Looks like it's time to make sure I know the location of hats and fingerless gloves.
So, psych doc said let's try going off Prazosin to see if it's really making a difference or not. Stopped that, oh... two days ago. And a nightmare last night with obvious themes. Stop reading here if you don't want to know.
I dreamed I was visiting Paris with an old friend from college. She'd moved there earlier or nearby and was showing me around. She decided to take me to an LGBT-owned club one evening and I had a lot of fun, danced, mingled. Things I don't normally do in real life. (did not drink, though, that was realistic. I rarely have alcohol) She'd gone to get something to drink at the bar and I was nearer the front where the door was when a bomb went off. As you can imagine, there were injuries, smoke, chaos, etc. It felt like hours before first aid stations popped up outside for the large amount of people affected. I was wandering around in shock. I know my hair was a mess, my clothes were a mess, and I had soot and stuff on me, but I didn't feel injured. My hearing rang for a while. I started trying to find my friend and couldn't find her. I wandered around a few blocks away and back several times. No one really paid any attention to me. I realized I didn't have my purse, so no money, ID, passport, nothing. I just had a little cheap burner-type nokia phone that didn't even have saved numbers in it. I kept trying to call what I thought was her number, but nothing. I then decided to stay near the aid stations that were still up, feeing people and such, in case she was looking for me. It was only right before I woke up that I thought to ask a worker for the names of those killed in the blast. I didn't get an answer before I woke up.
My brain, sheesh. I get it, ya know? Seems like it was a pretty obvious theme, really. Danger, hurt, abandonment, loss/being lost, unable to communicate, no one directly helping me.
So... yeah. I think I'll take it easy today. Oh, my doc got back to me, she called in a prescription to lower the blood pressure and my Bro will pick that up today. Then she wants me to send more readings in two weeks. I do love how quickly she responds to messages. Let's see what that does.
Super unsettling to have nightmares so intense. Sending support for today. :grouphug:
Thank you Armee. Yeah, unsettling dream that made me wake up late due to sleep disturbances last night. Not immediately terrifying, but lots of loss and grief feelings leftover.
Super tired now, but the chili is in the crockpot. Later, the BFF can come get his portions. He's having an outpatient surgery Tuesday, so I'm sharing big soup batches so he doesn't have to cook for a couple days after. I made a lot of chili, LOL. I might nap this afternoon.
Anxiety over the disability hearing is starting to ramp up a little. I can talk to my T tomorrow about it. I messaged my regular doc through the patient portal about my BP with those readings and she agrees it's high. so I now have a Rx for that. Calcium blocker type of med, but that's okay, I hate grapefruit anyway. LOL She said send her more readings in 2 weeks. Getting old sucks.
Quote from: Armee on October 28, 2023, 03:34:42 PMSuper unsettling to have nightmares so intense. Sending support for today. :grouphug:
:yeahthat: :hug: :hug: CF
Thank you, Blueberry.
Not bad dreams for the last night or two, but today was hard. I was looking for some yarn in my room and found the sweater my sweet orange kitty wore last winter. That definitely set me off for a while. I miss him so much. I miss holding my little buddy.
:hug:
HUGS, thank you, Armee.
I know I haven't posted much lately. The anxiety is just building more and more. Disability hearing is 1 week from this morning. I did get my Doc to write a note about why I can't work, passed that on to the lawyer. It's hard to concentrate on anything much. Plus, the stress disrupts sleep, making me more likely to have nightmares, so I don't know if that's the result of not taking the Prazosin for a few weeks or just the stress causing them. Urgh. Haven't slept well at all. I'm trying to distract myself with various things and stay positive, but that's work in itself. Still checking my blood pressure to give Doc readings. I got it down to normal once so far. I can definitely see when a high-sodium meal affects it. And of course, now that I have to moderate, I want salty snacks.
On one positive, I got a lovely tarot deck from a local gal on FB marketplace and she even brought me a large (bouquet?) cluster of mint sprigs from her garden with it. How kind and it does smell nice. I'd like to get back into the cards, it's been decades. I have one of those hydrating face masks, maybe I'll use it tomorrow, kinda have a self-spa day. I'm rambling. Tire but not the least bit sleepy. Sigh.
I hope you have a nice self spa day. That's a good thing to do.
As for the salty snacks, I find that a salad dressed only with vinegar can work well with those cravings. You could use oil as well, but it changes the mouth feel and in my own case I avoid the oil for various reasons. Of course you need a really nice tasting vinegar. Balsamic fruit vinegars are best, if you can get those over there. Mine are made in Hungary but not sure if you get much in the way of Hungarian suppliers where you are. It is a bit niche.
Thanks, Narckiddo. I do love a good balsamic vinegar. They're almost sweet-ish the older they get. I do have one that my BFF got me, it's a 20-year old! I'll have to try that. Gosh, now that sounds soooo good. :)
Hi cactus flower, i hope you have a great day !!
Cactus Flower,
I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today as I think your disability hearing is tomorrow and in your shoes I know my stomach and emotions would be in knots. I want you to know that no matter what the hearing decides, you DO deserve disability. What was done to you has caused disability and real physical pain and limitations.
It is horribly unfair we allow these things to happen to kids in the first place and then provide no support for recovery and healing and the impacts made. It's a weakness of our society and whatever they decide, it is not YOUR weakness that you need these services. It is society's that we let it progress to this point without intervention and help.
I will be sitting here praying to your personal higher power that they make the right decision and finally offer you some relief. But regardless of the outcome know we are here cheering you on and all the other Cactus Flowers out there, and hoping this system changes bit by bit. By asking for what you need and deserve and fighting for it you are already helping to do your part in fixing the system. Go get 'em!
Love and hugs,
A
:hug:
San, Armee, Larry, thank you so much!
I think it went ok. He was nice, but efficient, and I really couldn't tell what he decided. I'd previously looked him up and his approval rate is just slightly above the natural average by a point or to, so we'll see. Now I have to wait for the letter of decision. That could take a couple months. I'm really hoping I got it and don't have to appeal further. At least my age and that my Bachelor's is pretty old counted in my favor. The letter from my therapist and my Occupational Therapy evaluation were noted in particular, so we'll see. I did get a bit of a chance to explain my daily life and how the mental and physical interact to make things worse. So we'll see. My blood pressure was actually in the normal range this morning! I didn't even take it yesterday. My BFF took me out to a late lunch afterwards, which was very nice. I definitely slept a little better last night. Keep up the positive thoughts and now I can hopefully get back to concentrating on normal things. My therapist floated the idea of every other week next year, I think that's good. Now I can just start making that Thanksgiving grocery list. :)
Gentle Hugs to all and gratitude for all your support.
Hi CactusFlower,
I'm so glad that you got through your appointment ok. Finger's crossed for the result. It's lovely that your BFF took you out for a late lunch, and that you slept a bit better last night. I know you're preparing for Thanksgiving, and hope that your grocery list was enjoyable to make in preparation for that.
Gentle hugs to you :hug:
Hope :)
Hugs back, Hope, thank you. Keeping the menu simple this year.
Well, I'm kinda just... here. The nightmares eased up a wee bit, let's see if that stays. I sent my doc the 2 weeks of BP readings, she's up-ing the med to the next dose and send another set 2 weeks after starting it.
The hypertension brings up something fascinating. So, a friend on a Discord server found a wonderful site, geneticgenie.org, where you can upload your raw DNA data (like from ancestry or 23&me) and it gives you scientific reviews and LINKS to more scientific proofs and studies regarding your possibility of medical conditions, drug reactions/sensitivities, and more. it also compares how many copies of the alleles mean you are likely to be a carrier or actually have something. It's not a guarantee you'll get anything, just your possibilities. And, best of all, all your data is de-identified and deleted after 24 hours. I did it it and lo and behold, some things that make more sense now:
Genetically, with hypertension, I am more sensitive to sodium content than most people.
I have a sensitivity to reactions from amitriptyline, which makes those side effects make sense.
I'm more predispositioned towards heart and GI issues.
and strangely, 3 or 4 different ones that indicate if I were to take Warfarin (a blood thinner), I'd probably need a lower dose. There were a bunch of other things that were either benign or I'd be unlikely to ever need that med, or ever be in that situation (example: I have no kids).
it's not an in-depth review for anything in particular; any real concerns would likely have their own analysis needed further. But it sure is interesting to see why some things have affected me.
Ok, I have to squeak a moment now. I just checked my email, and a flash fiction I wrote will be published in a Literary journal next year! OMG OMG OMG. and breathe....
Oh my gosh yay! Congrats Cactus Flower!
wee bit sad. BFF not going to join us for Thanksgiving this year. He's still having some post-surgery issues and not feeling up to extended things. We're just having a small dinner for ourselves since the holiday really doesn't mean that much to us, but that's it. Managed to do a little crocheting. I'm starting to run out of yarn. Still kinda mad the pandemic pushed yarn prices up so high.
Random: store brand of cold brew concentrate is very drinkable and a little cheaper than the previous brand I tried.
Tarot study going slowly, this week's card is the High Priestess. It still amuses me there's a cat on every card in this deck, and this one has a cat on the table, spilling a bag of runes. The artist must have cats, LOL.
Slightly increased BP med dose must be working, 3rd day in a row of randomly taken readings in the normal range. Of course, could be the absence of the pre-hearing stress, so we'll see in a few weeks.
Brain feels all over the place, hard to focus and I'm not sure why.
I'm glad the BP is improving. Meds or no, it's a good result. :cheer:
CF, thanks for the update on your hearing. wishing the best for you. my D's hearing is next wed., and i passed along to her your thoughts. she appreciated it. fingers crossed and prayers flying for you both. love and hugs :hug:
Hugs, san. Another key is just answer their questions with a basic answer. don't overshare or volunteer anything more than what they ask for. it's not necessary and complicates your lawyer's job.
Thanks, Narc! The genetic thing about the salt is proving true. I had a frozen dinner yesterday for lunch, nearly gasped when I looked at the salt content after, and the reading was high again in the evening. Ugh. My bro is picking up a lower-sodium mac and cheese at the store today, hopefully it tastes okay. This modification is honestly harder than getting rid of a lot of sugar.
Bro is making the sugar-free apple crisp today and we'll cook for the dinner tomorrow. The most salt then will likely be the stove-top stuffing, but I like that stuff. I don't usually have it outside of holidays.
Feeling kinda sad lately, not sure why. Maybe it's the season. Maybe it's that I don't have my sweet cuddly boy cat this winter. I swear, losing him has been so hard. This sucks.
So, while I crochet, I tend to watch forensics/true crime shows. I avoid topics that might trigger me if I know ahead of time, like cases about kids or military families. I can only crochet about 10-15 minutes at a time, but I let my hands rest the rest of the show. So Youtube has a bunch of old (ouch) episodes of Unsolved Mysteries, the show with Robert Stack. There was one from the 90s and it had a man who'd survived Vietnam as an amputee. He wanted to find the nurse who took care of him and helped him want to live and go home to his wife. She'd even written to his wife about how inspiring he was and how to not pity him when he got home, really practical advice. Dude did, had two kids and a good life. She saw the show teaser and got in contact, and they all got together, super happy. Normally, I'd just go, "aww, super sweet, so cool", that kind of thing.
But I found myself crying for about an hour and a half instead. Not only from the wonderfulness of them seeing each other again, but at the same time, I was so... jealous. So angry. I would rather have had a GOOD father who happened to have a disability over the whole piece of ----that I had instead. I feel very conflicted at the moment. Happy for them, angry for what I got, jealous (even though the guy apparently passed 9 years after that meeting), just... a swirling mess. And of course, this was after therapy. Just thinking about it again, I'm trying not to start crying again. I know there's no point to the whole "it's not fair!", but both I and my inner children are pouting and wanting to stomp and yell. now I'm congested, still upset, and exhausted. Ugh. Just ugh.
Gentle gentle hugs. There is a point...in its not fair...grieving. :grouphug:
If you need to cry, cry. Let it out. Stomp. Yell.
So many of us have a voice that says "it's my fault". I bet you have had that voice some time or another. A voice saying "it's not fair" is a counterpoint. And that voice is right. Because it's NOT fair. Armee is right about the grieving. I'm sorry you didn't have the father you deserve.
:grouphug:
:hug:
Thank you all. Gentle hugs back!
Nothing much lately, just staying warm. Got a little crocheting done. Haven't felt really "down", but just kind of blah. I mean, I usually feel wiped out/exhausted after dissociating, but this is more of a general blah. it's probably just winter setting in and wishing hibernation was an option. Also really missing my boy. Winter is more sucky without a cuddly kitty. Pumpkin is sweet, but not really cuddly. Abby is still a little --. I honestly don't know if she'll ever be nice and it's very disheartening.
Had a good reading the other day in my ACA meeting about re-parenting your inner children. I think some of my difficulty is not only not really knowing how to do that, but my littles are the ones that hold the trauma memories. It's incredibly hard to comfort and reassure someone when you don't know what they remember and they can't communicate due to the trauma.
Yeah I agree with you on all that. I just keep trying little by little. Mostly I'm not even allowed to talk to the little ones and T definitely is not. It's not fast to be able to access those parts. I'm finding they peek out and start sharing and then disappear for 6 months or more.
I'm sorry you're missing your snuggle buddy. 😔
Dealing with stupidity is very aggravating first thing in the morning. So I have a medication I take for anxiety. Unfortunately, I have to take another medication because the anxiety med has a very common side effect. Having 0 income, I cannot afford an over-the-counter fiber supplement. Therefore, I get generic Dulcolax by prescription.
I have gotten this with no issue for over a year now. I have an issue this month, it's not filled. First I hear the doc supposedly didn't put through the refills. (BS, she did it while we were in our appointment) Then the pharmacy tries to tell me they need her to approve a different brand, the regular one isn't in stock.
I call the office today, they haven't received any communication from the pharmacy about anything.
I call the pharmacy, ask what the issue is, they say it's "because that's available over the counter, so someone thought it'd be cheaper that way." deep breath No, the item available over the counter is the brand name, not a generic, hence it's THREE TIMES the price, which is why I have a Rx for the generic. They apologize and start filling it. (supposedly. we'll see if I get a "it's ready" text later.)
I don't care if it's available over the counter, you don't get to make that decision for me. My doctor wrote a prescription, your job is to fill it. Period. It must be a new employee or a substitute for someone, because it hasn't been a problem for over a year now. It's times like these that I appreciate my work history in healthcare and health insurance so I know how to deal with this junk.
Counseling place was glad I dealt with it and said call them back if I have any other issues, they'll help. Bro just went out to get tasty coffee drinks, which is sweet. I need a reward for dealing with that mess. I suppose at least if it had to happen, it happened on the one day a week that the Dr. is there to approve stuff if need be.
Wow. So, that Rx is resolved and is ready for my bro to pick up this afternoon for me. BUT... That was my psych doc.
Another med we're trying for my blood pressure with my regular doc... I'm wondering if the pharmacy has a new employee or something. According to the web page, that Rx, which was previously at 5mg, is "waiting for approval". The current version, at 10mg, is due to be refilled in 3 days, which usually means I can order it now. Is it so hard to tell that I WAS on 5mg a day and am now at 10mg a day, which should logically mean I don't need the blanking 5mg version refilled?
I tried calling my doc's office, they transferred me to the person who deals with processing approvals for refills, her voice message says to have the pharmacy fax crap in and it can take up to 5 days to process the request. Like, *? Why does is take you a frigging week to get a Dr's approval, a yes or no answer 90% of the time? Maybe this is partially a reason for the blood pressure!
When you get the actual medical care in this state, it's decent, but getting people to do crap on time and actually communicate is a nightmare I have never seen so bad anywhere else I've lived. Insane. I don't need this anxiety increase, I don't need this stress, and I can't imagine how someone who DOESN'T have a former career in the healthcare industry manages to deal with this. I hate that I need to take pills for anything at all, I don't need incompetence as a hassle on top of my pain and other junk.
I'm so sorry. I've been dealing with similar nonsense at pharmacies here too.
The amlodipine seems to be lowering the blood pressure adequately. Well, that and not eating as much salt in things. it's really the prepared stuff that gets you. Some chicken mac and cheese frozen dinner? 48% of your daily salt. Stuff like that.
Didn't sleep well last night, had the teddy bear with me because it was incredibly windy and rainy all night long. The moisture is what we need, but the wind is... difficult. I did get a little crocheting done today. Not much because the cold definitely makes my hands hurt a little more, but i can't wear the fingerless gloves while I crochet. The yarn doesn't slide through the fingers like it has to, LOL.
Did some more exercises in the "Courage to Heal" workbook. Not easy, answering the questions makes things very real, and I often dissociate when that happens. I was also watching old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries on youtube the other day, and one had the head of the FBI asking people to watch out for a new addition to their 10 Most Wanted List. He was a lifelong CSA perpetrator, escaped prison twice, etc. Fortunately, the update indicated he was cause about a week after the broadcast, got 40 yrs in jail, and passed while in there. Good. I found myself saying some really angry and unpleasant things to the screen while I watched that, even crying a little. Had to take a nap after that emotional storm.
On one positive note, I got another amazon gift card for doing surveys. not much, but it allowed me to order this blocking board for crocheting, which means I will be able to perfect the granny squares I'm piling up. Small thing, but makes me happy.
Still plugging along. Was watching more Unsolved Mysteries and found myself crying over a few episodes. They often had "so and so were separated as children and haven't seen each other in 30 years" reunions, or "X just found out she's adopted", blah blah blah. One had a gal find out that her dad wasn't her biological dad. That her mom had loved her bio dad, but (back in the 50s) felt she had to marry the one her family approved of. So X was looking for her bio dad. Long story short, they found him, he was thrilled to know about her, had always loved her mom, and wanted to meet her. He was a very sweet, kind, and openly caring kind of person.
Part of me was the typical "aw, how sweet, they found each other." But a part of me was ugly-crying with jealousy. I wanted so bad to have what she had. To suddenly find out that the person who raised you wasn't actually who you thought they were, and that there was someone out there who was a good person and would love you and accept you? yeah. I was painfully jealous. So many of us, I think, would give so much to have that magical happy ending.
Other than that, just staying warm. The holiday don't really mean anything to us, so we're not doing anything. I had some points from doing surveys on a site, so I exchanged them for an amazon gift card and got myself one of those super-soft big blanket hoodies. And it's in dusty pink! The inner children are loving it as much as I do, this thing is soft like those minky blankets. Remember the little girl in the Minions movies who holds the stuffed unicorn and yells, "IT'S SO FLUFFY!" Yeah, like that. :)
That blanket sounds wonderful. :)
I wonder if artist's gloves might be of some help? They basically cover only a couple of fingers, the pinky and ring finger. The purpose is to stop the hand smudging the picture but maybe they could be of some use to you for crocheting? I suspect they don't offer enough coverage to be any good, but I mention them just in case.
Narc, I do actually have a pair of those. I'll see if they help. Thanks for the suggestion!
cf, that kind of crying happens to me a lot while watching shows. like you, it's a mix of feelings, but i think my overriding emotion is sadness that i didn't get to experience x or y. no matter what, it's so much more emotional than simply what's going on on the screen. you're not alone. love and hugs :hug:
new year, same stuff. Still missing my kitty a lot. Someone on a friend's discord server got some kittens to foster and one's an orange tabby. It's super sweet, but I cry nearly every time I see a photo.
Have been cooking more lately. I guess that's good.
Just kinda blah lately. Creative, yes, so that helps a little. I dunno, maybe I'm just down because it's so dark and gray today, supposed to snow later. bleah
weird dreams last night, lots of being lost.
It's nice to read your journal again, cf. I'm sorry you're missing your kitty :hug:
Thank you, Blueberry. I don't post as often because I feel like I'm kind of in a holding pattern for some reason. Therapy goes from weekly to every other week this year, so I guess that's progress. The creativity is doing okay, got several things finally finished in the crochet basket. I have pieces to put together for a cardigan, but haven't had the energy to do so. I've also had more dreams where mom and I just hang out and do stuff like we used to, so it's hard because I sometimes don't want to leave those. Still haven't been able to finish crime show episodes where the jerk, I mean father figure, was in the military.
On a positive note, I've cooked a little more. Still love that crock-pot! I also discovered you can do hashbrowns in an air fryer, so no more standing at a stove for 20 minutes on those! (I'll admit, I love potatoes)
hey, CF, i remember my days w/ a crockpot and used it voraciously. haven't used one in quite a while, tho, but dang, that meat came out tender! so glad you're enjoying yours.
i've also discovered there are a lot of shows that are too triggering for me to watch anymore. when i didn't realize what was happening, it wasn't a problem. now that i know, yep, like you, they're off the table for me.
i know you'll get to your projects when you're ready. love and hugs :hug:
Hi CactusFlower,
I also love potatoes, and hope you're enjoying your cooking. I love the word 'crock-pot' too - I tend to say 'slow-cooker' which doesn't sound as nice!
:hug:
Hope :)
I'm still here! Been down a bit lately. Also was off my anti-anxiety med for a few days due to having to wait for something to be restocked in the pharmacy, but that's fixed. it certainly was interesting to see, though. On about day 4 off of it, my BFF hadn't responded like he normally does to emails and texts, and I started doom-spiraling. He was fine, just actually able to sleep in for a change. But I was totally worked up. I also noticed I'm much more easily irritated off it as well.
Have been getting a little crocheting done. I need to block some squares to put together. I have some baby yarn, you know that pastel color type, from the bag someone gave me. I have no kids and know no kids, so the bro's cat is getting a blankie. LOL Hey, fur kids count!
Therapy has moved to every other week this year, I think that's an improvement. Part of me still hates thinking I'll be on these pills forever unless something else is invented, but I try not to think about that. No letter yet on the disability front either. Argh. just... sigh.
Gentle safe hugs, Cactus Flower. Fur babies totally count. I'm so angry at our disability system from your experience and others'.
Bro's cat is a lucky cat to get a blankie from you.
I'm sorry you had to be off the meds for a few days, although at least your reactions have validated the worth of taking them. I understand why you might not like the thought of being on them forever but if they work, I guess that helps at least a little?
:grouphug:
Thank you, Narc & Armee. Still here. And yes, the meds do make a difference. I've been able to get a little writing done and am currently taking a free class through a local writing group on a different method of making notes for your writing. Not sure how much I like the class or not. It's online and recorded, but the lady contradicts herself several times in the first video alone. Oh well, it's free. I'll just pull what nuggets I can from it, it's only four videos. I do get quite amused at how many authors think their method is the be-all and end-all and everyone can benefit from it. Everyone is creative differently. If it works for you, that's all that matters.
Bro's cat does like the blankie. Now he can switch her blankies out when they need washing or whatever. Not spoiled, though. (eyeroll, ha ha)
BFF has Paramount Streaming, so we've been binging Star Trek: Strange New Worlds a few episodes at a time, usually with lunch or dinner. This show... Wow. One of the execs is Gene Roddenberry's son, and maybe it's his influence, but this show blows me out of the water. I grew up in the first era of re-runs of the original series, and this series has utterly amazing continuity, while simultaneously expanding where the 1960's one didn't. I watch each one, probably with hearts in my eyes, and each one give me such joy. The actors are wonderful, the set and effects are beautiful, and the storylines connect to the original one in delightful ways. It reminds me of one of the good things about being a kid. Being able to re-experience something that makes me happy is amazing, honestly.
I've still had nightmare nights, down days, been triggered and such. But I am not letting go of something that makes me smile, that's for sure.
hey, cf,
i hope your disability news comes soon, and it's positive for you. my D's came back already, a big, fat, 'no' - basically it said she wasn't disabled enough. her rep says they'll go for another round of appeals, tho, and she just needs to keep getting med. notations. dang.
your creative side never ceases to amaze me. it's wonderful.
so glad you found that 'star trek' series and it's bringing you such joy. that's wonderful. my D and i decided that bringing our tv when we move was an absolute must - for mental health reasons! there's nothing like being able to immerse yourself in a good storyline and characters you care about to take you out of a difficult reality.
keep going, cf. i think you're doing really well in spite of the down days, etc. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Sage,
I wanted you to know that since you talked about that Star Trek series, me and my partner decided to start watching it, and it's a lovely series, to thank you!
Hope :)
Thank you, San, Hope.
Still waiting, still creating. Processed some more grief since the 13th was Mom's birthday. That was still hard. No changes on meds or really anything else for now.
:hug:
Thinking of you and your loss and grief, CF.
:hug: :hug:
CactusFlower,
It's good to see you online CF. I think about you often.
I used to love Star Trek. I was 8 when it hit the air for the first time. It changed me. It would eventually help get me through what was about to become the most terrifying period of my childhood. It immediately became a source of comfort for me. I've seen all the movies and followed several of the follow-on series': Next Gen, Voyager. I haven't started Strange new Worlds yet, but you have piqued my interest. I think I need to give it a look.
In 1981, before I married Coco, I only watched ONE hour of TV per week. Saturday night, 6 PM, Channel 13: Original Star Trek reruns--one per week. It was one of the highlights of my week back then. (That was decades before I knew that my mood swings and chronic loneliness were related to trauma). It was my one soothing hour per week. The Star Trek franchise does a good job of exploring social issues in a way that entertains AND makes us think. It's oddly comforting. And if you think about the reclusive teens of today's world, who were bullied for being abused, autistic or just shyly quiet, those people are often Trekkies. It's like the franchise was made for folks like us. There's an odd sense of freedom in the idea of driving a ship through space and "materializing" on and off of other planets and then driving away at warp speed. For me it was empowering. It fed my imaginary world which is where I hid from the earthen world.
Sometimes today I put this little youtube video on the screen and just let myself meditate on being in this spaceship where I'm alone and safe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPWYQ94Ief4
A little imagination can go a long way.
Live Long and Prosper, my friend.
Thinking of you. :hug:
Hugs all, thank you so much.
I'm still here. Doing better this month. The creativity is definitely continuing. A local art center has a thing each year where they provide crude little wooden blanks shaped like houses. (think a triangle on top of a cube, like a kid's drawing, not always even angles) You sign up and get a free blank, get 2 months to create a "Little House" in any style/media/composition you want within the size limits, then turn it back in. They then have a showing, the the houses are auctioned off for charity. (they made nearly $9000 last year!)
I went and picked up a blank and signed up today. I'm going to cover it in crochet, but the tiny stuff using crochet thread. I found a stitch pattern that will even work for roof shingles. I'm kind of excited about this. it improves my skills, lets me be creative, and goes to a good cause. I love doing stuff like that. I'm just waiting for the thread to arrive on the Amazon truck sometime today.
Meds staying the same, therapy going decently, definitely doing okay. I'll take it where I can get it. :)
I love that little house project. Your crochet idea sounds great, and really original.
I'm so glad you are feeling better and are able to keep creating! So for crocheting the house do you crochet around the frame of the house or anchor the stitches another way? Fascinating and cool idea!
CF, i think your idea for that house is adorable, and i have no doubt it'll turn out lovely. i get the thing about being creative - some of the things i'm making sure to pack for the move are some cross-stitch kits i've never used cuz i got too sick to work them anymore. i'm looking forward to that side of me becoming more prominent.
glad your meds are doing well. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs :hug:
gentle hugs and thank you! I'll put some pics in the art section. The way I'm doing it, I'm crocheting panels for the sections and will be gluing those to the house form. It's progressing much faster than I thought, so I'm going to be adding details. Like, embroidering some tiny flowers under the window piece on the front panel, etc. I'll try crocheting a chimney somehow and see if it looks ok. If it does, I have some polyfil stuffing I can use a wisp of for smoke, perhaps. I might even see if I can find a pattern for small lace edging for the eaves. Like some Victorian houses have that scalloped decoration on theirs.
Other than that, the last few days have not been pleasant. We didn't get the snowstorms a lot of the midwest USA got, but we got the wind. And of course, wind that strong and sustained puts me right back to the childhood typhoon. The wind lasted for 3 days or so, and it's breezy out still now. Plus, BFF had to go to the hospital again this morning for his issues, so my anxiety is through the roof. I have therapy this afternoon, fortunately. That's probably why I got so much crocheting done even though my hands are aching. I've been trying to focus on it and not the wind. And still no disability letter. I feel forced into a holding pattern and anxious at the same time. That means I'm dissociating a lot recently. I'll "tune back in" and find I've finished something creatively, but it's hours later than I thought it was.
I did manage to tell my ACA group about the undiagnosed OSDD, and they were so loving and accepting, I was nearly crying. There's a core group there where I can be so real and so open. It means a lot to me. Eh, I'm all over the place right now. I'll go post in art before I forget, and I'll try to post here more regularly again.
thank the stars for support groups! they can be just the ticket at times. so glad you found ACA, CF.
good luck w/ the disability. we got ours back, rejected, but our advocate is going for another round. however, that won't be for a year or so. i don't know. it's so wearying. i'm with you all the way on this.
i used to knit a lot, kept my fingers busy, could concentrate on that, etc. it's a good thing. love and hugs :hug:
So much courage and vitality CF! It's hard to talk about the dissociative stuff. Your crocheted house sounds so adorable. I'm so frustrated by our disability system. I'm sorry CF.
Dear Sage,
Your group sounds very supportive and caring. I am glad you have them in your life.
Your crocheting sounds really creative and colourful. I hope to find where you've posted about it - and have a look. I used to do a little bit of crocheting when I was a child, but haven't done any for years.
Anyway, I hope that your letter that you're waiting for will come sooner rather than later. It is so frustrating to be waiting for it, and I hope it will come soon.
Hope :)
I hate being forced into a holding pattern. Have had a few health issues myself recently and have felt the same way, so I can certainly relate. I hope you hear back with good news on the disability soon.
Thank you, all, gentle group hug!
BFF is back from the hospital and much better, so that is a huge relief.
I realized in my ACA group today, we were talking about siblings (I have none) and I shared about how I make my inner Teenager feel better and accepted. Although I was away from my abuser before then, I was NOT popular in school. I was the quiet nerd/weird person in the back of the classroom. Creative writing in English, hung with a couple close friends to play D&D at lunch, made fun of by the popular kids, etc. While I can't afford to dress the way my inner Teenager wants, nor do I have room for a lot of stuff, I've let her and some of the others in my head create wishlists on Amazon. It's kind of a virtual way of expressing one's self. I also let her make a playlist on Spotify, and she's the one who hosts a lot of my creativity. Due to the wide expanse of the internet which I didn't have then (high school was 1984-88), it's like she can find and read about people like her, find audiences for her creative output, feel it's OK to be "weird". If there had been such a thing as Goth/Emo back then in my town, she'd totally have been that. But just letting some of my alters express themselves in these safe ways has gone a long way to things working better in this head.
Wow! That Amazon Wishlist idea is fantastic. I love it. Thank you so much for sharing that.
Ya'll, gentle group hug. I have cried today, cried with relief. I got Disability! The amount of anxiety I had over this... I think I'm still in a little shock and there are a lot of details to deal with, but that's okay. I'll be okay. 3 years. Three years to get here, and I am so, so grateful.
Just had to share something positive.
I'm glad you are able to get disability. Financial worry on top of everything else is disheartening.
:cheer: :cheer:
I am so so relieved for you that this was approved. I am so sorry that life caused you to need disability but so so so glad that you have the validation and support that comes with this. Good luck with all the paperwork!
Hi Sage,
I am really happy to hear you've been approved regarding the disability. :cheer: I also wish you good luck with your paper work.
:hug:
Hope :)
That's really great news. I am so glad you finally heard, and that you got the right result.
Thanks so much, all. Still enjoying the relief here. I'm probably also going to be dual-eligible, so that should cover more. For the non-USA readers, that means I get the disability, which is Federal-level, and Medicaid that I was already on, which is state-level for low income and disabled people. The Disability payments will still be at a level so I can have both. I'm hoping for that because my current therapist that I work really well with, her agency doesn't take the federal level (Medicare) alone. I think it'll be fine, though. I've set up direct deposit although it won't start until the June payment, but that's fine. now I'm just waiting on all the paperwork, ID cards, etc to come in the mail. Oh yeah, I'll have to tell my regular doctor's office about the change too.
It's interesting to see how many things this helps/touches. The company Medicaid went with for vision insurance this year doesn't cover anything but medical eye issues, so I wasn't going to be able to get a new eye exam and glasses. Now I'll be able to. I had a subscription for an electric toothbrush I had to cancel (Quip, great company, sends replacement head and battery every quarter) that I can renew now. (manual's ok, but I like my Quip.) I can renew the pro level on the app where I track my health info. Just various things I had to pare down over the last year. The relief of knowing that I will be able to cover my part of the bills without worrying about the future is immense.
Needless to say, I've slept pretty decently the last couple of nights. Minus the cat wanting fed, LOL.
o my heart, CF!!! i'm so glad for you! that is great! congratulations! :fireworks:
it's so good to hear someone finally got it. my D was turned down again, it'll be another year before they will make another attempt. i get it about the anxiety in waiting for this news. so glad it came out right for you.
love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
Well, alas, the next visit with my therapist and psych med doc will be the last, as that agency doesn't take Medicare. But they were kind in the office and I'm basically finishing out this month for free. plus, they emailed me a list of local providers who do take it so I can get started calling. The BFF recommends his therapist, too, and he's on Medicare, so we'll see who I can find. It's been great working with my T these past three years (wow). We are keeping each other's phone numbers due to our love of recommending good local places to eat, LOL.
On the final stages of gluing on the crochet pieces for the little house project. I'll take pics when the gallery has the showing before the auction. I'm very pleased with how it came out. The front panel is adorable with the little flowers embroidered under the windows. I also made the door open! I hope it gets bid on well. Then also in May, I've got a local poet's society event to go to that has a piece of mine in the collective chapbook.
Winning my case has definitely helped with financial security anxiety. It never goes away entirely, but to be able to relax even a little on the austerity is a strange/nice/slightly scary feeling. I'm sure it'll take a while to sink in. I might even see if there's a way to pay for a little in-home assistance with cleaning or something like, once a month or so, since it's so hard for us. And Bro's chiropractor has now sad absolutely no vacuuming or sweeping or mopping with his back for the foreseeable future. Sigh.
Now to just meet for the last time next week with my psych meds doc and ask for a few more refills to tide me over until I find someone else. She's nice enough that it won't be a problem.