I ended up in an acute care facility. I went to pick up some of my things today and I guess I'm just still adjusting to a new environment. I miss being able to take care of my physical appearance and I think I'll probably have to go on disability. Does anyone else have experience with being in an acute care environment? I've been volunteering around the facility and that helps with my confidence a little bit. No idea where I'll go from here. ??? There's not a whole lot of direction so I'm just doing the best I can.
I picked some dandelions! I guess that was a bonus; I like weeding. :)
Update for today- I'm thawing out from my freeze response and the posts from earlier hit a lot harder. It feels like a shell coming off. I feel almost naked, like I'm not the old me; not as strong as I used to be. I feel the urge to cry a lot. Things feel like I'm a kid again. I know I have emotional parts and things are starting to make more sense. I feel more fluid.
Oh gosh, huge hugs to you. I'm new here and haven't read your previous posts so I don't know what you're going through. Sometimes losing our shell and feeling less strong than we thought is actually a sign of how strong we are. You're going to get through this and it will be better than before. It sounds like you are really working hard to keep your spirits up. That is hard work and takes strength to not just fall in a pit. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you strength and joy and peace. But I'm sorry you are going through this.
Eidolon, I hope you are getting good care where you are at. Sounds like you are feeling vulnerable and tender. Sending you care. :grouphug:
I haven't had that experience myself. On one hand, I wish I did... because I needed it. People didn't really seem to take it seriously how hurting and damaged I really was. However, I'm sure it's also a very difficult thing to deal with. As notalone said, I'm sure it is a very vulnerable feeling situation to be in, and I expect that there are a lot of other complicated feelings surrounding it. Actually, the more I think about it, the more challenging it sounds.
It sounds like you're making some progress though, and that's great news! I'm happy for you. I hope things continue to go well, and you come through this better than ever before.
I'm on disability myself, and I have been for almost 10 years now. It is a challenge in its own way, but it's really not all that bad. It gives me lots of time to work on myself, which I desperately have needed.
A lot of life, at least for me, has been not having a lot of direction, and just doing the best I can. That's alright though. It's important to realize that, and be gentle with ourselves doing our best, even if it doesn't always go perfectly, because we have so much to deal with. It's been helpful for me to share things about my life (with the right people, of course), and ask for others opinion to see how they would handle something, but make my own decisions in the end. So, maybe that's something you can do more, which will help you feel less lost and more confident.
That's great that you enjoy weeding. I imagine it feels nice to be in nature, and feel productive. Keep up the good work!
Thank you all for the warm feelings! It's strange- but not unhelpful, I finally have a therapist and there's levels to work through (setting goals, creating boundaries, working on self-forgiveness and forgiveness for other people) that seems to focus on C-PTSD so I'm honestly hopeful for the work being done. They also help with doctor's appointments and checkups to make sure that if you're at ground 0, you can work up with them. It's kind of nice but the groups can be a bit stressful sometimes. My life hasn't had direction and they're the ones pushing me to find what would make me happiest.
Lots of :grouphug: for everybody in this. Today's Sunday; we got to have french toast and sausages. :)
Eidolon, I have been in acute care. I hope you can get the support you need. :grouphug:
Quote from: Blueberry on April 18, 2021, 08:15:19 PM
Eidolon, I have been in acute care. I hope you can get the support you need. :grouphug:
Thank you! Things seem to be looking up- I get to see my therapist today after a triggering incident with my dad. Had a moment of intense shame yesterday but otherwise doing okay.
Hi Eidolon,
Thinking of you today. Shame sucks.
Shame does suck. Feeling a bit low today; hoping a walk will help. Looked into workbooks that I might buy to help treat it; tired most of the time. Might be the ativan but I don't know for certain. Feels like burnout but maybe it's not- I'm hoping it's not and that I can work through it.
Reading Bradshaw's book on shame right now- I didn't realize I had a whole bunch of it stored up. Looking into body tapping now for soothing. Everything I did was shamed when I was younger so it's nice to have an outlet.
How are you feeling today?
If you try the tapping stuff let us know if it works and helps you feels better!
I've noticed my shame serves a purpose and it has nothing to do with me being bad. For me, it is either about 1. controlling myself so no one gets hurt. Except me, it doesn't matter if I get hurt. It's ok, even great, if I am a casualty. Or 2. Distracting myself from feeling other emotions like sadness anger or hurt. Which gets back to #1...if I feel those things someone will get hurt.
Even knowing those things are not true logically doesn't really help, because it's such a habit now. But knowing that that is the role shame or self-hatred or harm is playing helps me notice that there's probably some emotion I'm pushing away and most of the time now I can retrace my mental steps and figure out what emotion I was avoiding and what thought set it off. And by the time I've done that the emotion is gone! Such a neat trick!
But I think the more I practice noticing that those mean thoughts about myself are a distraction maybe the faster I'll be able to dismiss them and feel less shame and more of the true emotion that shame is covering for. I bet that'll be painful. There's probably a good reason I've been destroying myself to not feel them.
Quote from: Armadillo on April 22, 2021, 02:03:25 PM
How are you feeling today?
If you try the tapping stuff let us know if it works and helps you feels better!
I've noticed my shame serves a purpose and it has nothing to do with me being bad. For me, it is either about 1. controlling myself so no one gets hurt. Except me, it doesn't matter if I get hurt. It's ok, even great, if I am a casualty. Or 2. Distracting myself from feeling other emotions like sadness anger or hurt. Which gets back to #1...if I feel those things someone will get hurt.
Even knowing those things are not true logically doesn't really help, because it's such a habit now. But knowing that that is the role shame or self-hatred or harm is playing helps me notice that there's probably some emotion I'm pushing away and most of the time now I can retrace my mental steps and figure out what emotion I was avoiding and what thought set it off. And by the time I've done that the emotion is gone! Such a neat trick!
But I think the more I practice noticing that those mean thoughts about myself are a distraction maybe the faster I'll be able to dismiss them and feel less shame and more of the true emotion that shame is covering for. I bet that'll be painful. There's probably a good reason I've been destroying myself to not feel them.
Feeling nervous today- almost had, or did have, a panic attack while they were doing karaoke because that was the group of the day. Tapping has been letting loose old feelings of stress and anxiety (I've started being able to cry again!) and they adjusted my meds so I'll be starting on seroquel rather than the remeron I've been taking. Both nervous and hopeful, had a moment of perfectionism today that I managed to name and tame. :heythere: Also making friends! Thank you for checking in on me.
Having trouble trusting the doctors at the unit because they seem to be pushing for a Schizophrenic diagnosis when I know that's not it. They're changing meds around and I'm getting some tests done today. Will bring C-PTSD up to the doctor when I can next because it's getting a little frustrating- "do you feel like someone's coming to get you?" Thankfully no, but Jesus, I wish they trusted me more.
Hi Eidolon. That's very frustrating. And scary. Does the doc there know a little of your trauma history? I also don't know if this is helpful but here's an article on hallucinations (voices and visual) in PTSD. https://www.verywellmind.com/relationship-between-ptsd-and-psychotic-symptoms-2797525
I don't know what's happening that is causing them to be looking at schizophrenia so just ignore thisbif it isn't relevant. :hug:
Quote from: Armadillo on April 23, 2021, 03:10:04 PM
Hi Eidolon. That's very frustrating. And scary. Does the doc there know a little of your trauma history? I also don't know if this is helpful but here's an article on hallucinations (voices and visual) in PTSD. https://www.verywellmind.com/relationship-between-ptsd-and-psychotic-symptoms-2797525
I don't know what's happening that is causing them to be looking at schizophrenia so just ignore thisbif it isn't relevant. :hug:
That's exactly what I'm dealing with- thank you so much, I'll pass that along. I'm on Remeron and Effexor at the moment so here's to hoping it helps! Thank you again! :cheer:
One of the keys seems to be if you KNOW it's a hallucination vs if you think it is real.
Gosh I really hope they listen to you and HELP you!
Did some inner child work today by myself and am slowly moving up the levels.
Quote from: Armadillo on April 23, 2021, 05:31:41 PM
One of the keys seems to be if you KNOW it's a hallucination vs if you think it is real.
Gosh I really hope they listen to you and HELP you!
The people are nice, just difficult to interact with at times. Having flashbacks more frequently, too, so that can make things a bit more difficult.
Dealt with some flashbacks today- able to talk things down and move through them. Unpleasant, but not unbearable. Also found out I like Lord Huron a lot more than I first thought.
:cheer:
GREAT JOB!!!!!!
Yup. Recognize it, accept it, talk yourself through it like you would a kid having a nightmare.
You got this. It sucks, but you definitely have the strength and awareness you need to get past this cruddy stage.
Quote from: Armadillo on April 26, 2021, 04:19:54 PM
:cheer:
GREAT JOB!!!!!!
Yup. Recognize it, accept it, talk yourself through it like you would a kid having a nightmare.
You got this. It sucks, but you definitely have the strength and awareness you need to get past this cruddy stage.
Thank you! I just saw this; also working on shrinking the inner critic and found some excellent online resources so I'm hopeful for the future. Also very nervous, but mostly hopeful. :hug:
Eidolon I have been in what I think you mean by Acute Care. Inpatient full time with mandatory group and one on one work? If that is what you mean, I have done that more than once, and have had both great and really bad experiences with it, mostly due to where I was at in my journey and the knowledge level of the staff.
It sounds as though overall you are in a good environment with good supports so that makes me glad for you! It also sounds as though you have a huge amount of willingness and courage to do what is needed to heal - that's so important. Sending you strength and perseverance when things seem extra tough. I'm glad they are combining the medication with inner work, as often one alone isn't enough. Hope they will find the right combination of medications that will help support your journey.
So happy to hear you were able to cry! That's a big win, and tough to be vulnerable to that extent.
Hope to hear that things are still improving slowly and they can coordinate a plan that will address your trauma as a whole, not as an array of symptoms to be treated.
Hang in we are here for you.
Quote from: PhoenixA on April 28, 2021, 11:15:31 PM
Eidolon I have been in what I think you mean by Acute Care. Inpatient full time with mandatory group and one on one work? If that is what you mean, I have done that more than once, and have had both great and really bad experiences with it, mostly due to where I was at in my journey and the knowledge level of the staff.
It sounds as though overall you are in a good environment with good supports so that makes me glad for you! It also sounds as though you have a huge amount of willingness and courage to do what is needed to heal - that's so important. Sending you strength and perseverance when things seem extra tough. I'm glad they are combining the medication with inner work, as often one alone isn't enough. Hope they will find the right combination of medications that will help support your journey.
So happy to hear you were able to cry! That's a big win, and tough to be vulnerable to that extent.
Hope to hear that things are still improving slowly and they can coordinate a plan that will address your trauma as a whole, not as an array of symptoms to be treated.
Hang in we are here for you.
That's exactly what I'm in! I'm fortunate to have a computer available sometimes. I think the staff are learning along with me, I'm hoping they'll let me move back in with my family after a little while. I'm also very glad to have the forum as a resting place! :) Participating in groups is a bit difficult for me because I dissociate a lot. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. :grouphug: Best wishes to everybody on their recovery. It's a lot harder than I first thought but absolutely worth it.
I honestly cannot even imagine how hard it is to be in a group session in acute care how very very overwhelming it would be and I think I would dissociated too. A lot.
I hope you get to go home with your family soon too as long as it is safe and you have the supports you need.
And I hope today was good and safe feeling.
Another thank you to Armadillo! I'm a bit more relaxed after a good walk/run, I got to think by myself and air out some depression. I also started listening to some of my old favorite music so things are looking up for me!
Might order some more books in Old Scandinavian to practice language while I'm in here, I tend to isolate a lot but other than that I'm doing well today I think. I hope everybody's hanging in there. Lockdown can be Hellish with everything closed down.
I also managed to meditate yesterday, so that was nice!
:cheer:
I'm clapping like an excited little girl on the inside for you! I am in awe that you have the strength and self-love to go out for a run/walk, to listen to your favorite music, and to practice a language! Wow. You are going to be my inspiration this week!
I wonder if you would like this one...it got me through my tough week last week...it's sort of a soulful version of "you'll never walk alone" https://youtu.be/YHd5L7rdmZM
She has a recorded version you can listen to off of YouTube but I really prefer this one with the piano accompaniment.
Hoping you continue feeling well enough to keep up all this great self care.
Quote from: Armadillo on May 01, 2021, 05:32:44 PM
:cheer:
I'm clapping like an excited little girl on the inside for you! I am in awe that you have the strength and self-love to go out for a run/walk, to listen to your favorite music, and to practice a language! Wow. You are going to be my inspiration this week!
I wonder if you would like this one...it got me through my tough week last week...it's sort of a soulful version of "you'll never walk alone" https://youtu.be/YHd5L7rdmZM
She has a recorded version you can listen to off of YouTube but I really prefer this one with the piano accompaniment.
Hoping you continue feeling well enough to keep up all this great self care.
"When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark"
Wow, that's powerful. I love her voice! I'm excited to hear more music like this! Have you ever heard "The Moon will Sing" by The Crane Wives? You might like it, it has a similar feeling to it and the idea of hanging in there is big in their album. Hope you're doing well and hanging in there! I know your life is difficult. I've been processing some stuff recently and I'm excited to let go of a traumatic memory of having lice. I can readily say it wasn't fair that I was told to comb it out myself and it feels like a breath of fresh air. ;D
That's huge being able to really know and feel that it wasn't fair or right. Because I know you can know it logically but really getting it deep in your soul feels different. Thanks for sharing that song! I've never heard of the Crane Wives but will try the whole album. Her voice is really beautiful and interesting.
Comfortable dissociation today, lots of music and getting back into dance. My first round of books (Surviving to Thriving, Waking the Tiger and one other I think) are on their way. I've been reading them online but I want to be able to underline/highlight.
Here's to hoping for another good day tomorrow! Some light dissociation today but otherwise I've been hanging in there.
:cheer:
The terror is lifting a bit? Any news on getting to go home?
Quote from: Eidolon on May 03, 2021, 11:07:20 PM
Comfortable dissociation today, lots of music and getting back into dance. My first round of books (Surviving to Thriving, Waking the Tiger and one other I think) are on their way. I've been reading them online but I want to be able to underline/highlight.
Here's to hoping for another good day tomorrow! Some light dissociation today but otherwise I've been hanging in there.
That all sounds like good progress! :cheer: :hug:
Most of my acute care stays did me a lot of good and I was allowed to stay quite a while till I was well stabilised again. If that would be good for you, then I hope that happens. If you'd prefer to leave and get back home again, then I hope that happens.
Ordered some more books! Finished Surviving to Thriving and I'm working on Waking the Tiger as well as the Complex PTSD Workbook. The initial rush has slowed down some. Still healing slowly. Hugs to Blueberry! I'm supposed to be getting a place of my own sometime soon (away from threats) but there's potentially another stepdown unit. Here's to hoping!
Slowly healing and integrating protective factors. Finished most of the books and the others are on their way, as well as some clay to make pottery/other art. I've been going outside more recently, too, no big updates except a renewed sense of faith after a relationship that crushed me. Trying to pace everything so I don't overwhelm the senses. Successfully kicked smoking by chewing on mint leaves!
You are amazing! You are so dedicated to healing it is very inspiring.
Quote from: Armadillo on May 10, 2021, 06:39:12 PM
You are amazing! You are so dedicated to healing it is very inspiring.
Thank you! Your journal spurred on the recovery, actually. Seeing other people going through difficult times is probably the biggest factor. Relaxing day today, just walking outside and enjoying the sun. Can't recommend body tapping enough. Lots of locked emotions in my knees and stomach. Some of it is anger, otherwise fear that hasn't been released in years. Pain in my knees and tension in the stomach; food trauma and neglect playing a large role in it. I'm grateful today. Pain at the base of my spine and the middle from a physical flashback, working through that. Difficult to prove to myself that it won't happen again. Tension headache today.
Cheers to everybody. Didn't expect emotional processing to be so tiring.
QuoteYour journal spurred on the recovery, actually.
Oh, wow! Um gosh! I'm happy it was helpful in some way. I was terrified I'd hurt someone.
Did you teach yourself tapping? I've heard of it but haven't looked into it...
Quote from: Armadillo on May 11, 2021, 07:09:37 PM
QuoteYour journal spurred on the recovery, actually.
Oh, wow! Um gosh! I'm happy it was helpful in some way. I was terrified I'd hurt someone.
Did you teach yourself tapping? I've heard of it but haven't looked into it...
Of course! I did teach myself a bit of tapping through Qi Gong videos. Most of my energy was stored in my joints and stomach. Try gently knocking against your clavicles, down your chest and stomach, and then down your legs to your feet. That might release some energy and emotions for you to process. If it hurts, that may be a sign of unprocessed trauma. That's from personal experience (the knees hurting in particular, and the base of the spine.)
I also had a group today where I got to discuss C-PTSD! So that was nice.
Went outside today; more thawing around Hurricane Katrina and growing up the way I did. Still quite a bit of dissociation going on surrounding recent events. Not too many recent physical flashbacks so that's good. Making progress in the EAC slowly but surely- disability seems to be the way to go. Primary focus is finding purpose after feeling like I had none. I ordered some clay not too long ago, so I'll see how that turns out.
Oh gosh I didn't realize you went through Katrina on top of everything else you are dealing with. I just am so in awe of how well you are doing focusing on healing. You are an amazing person.
Quote from: Armadillo on May 16, 2021, 01:12:45 AM
Oh gosh I didn't realize you went through Katrina on top of everything else you are dealing with. I just am so in awe of how well you are doing focusing on healing. You are an amazing person.
I appreciate that. I did survive Katrina, I'm thinking of writing up what that was like; I was stuck in New Orleans for a week (I lived there) when I was 5. A lot of it is still dissociated but I was trapped in a closet for a little bit. I remember walking through the water and thinking my leg was touched by a snake (it was a root, thankfully.) My father gave my two half brothers and me all the food and water and nearly died, so it still feels like it happened to someone else sometimes.
Always remember that you're on your own journey to healing, and that you're also doing an amazing job, too. Be soft with yourself.
Wow. That must have been so frightening for little 5 year old Eidolon to go through and watch, especially watching your father nearly die from giving you and your brothers all the food and water. I'm glad you made it out and I can't imagine the upheaval after initial survival. Also, wow. You have a lot of wisdom for someone so young!
Thanks for the kind words of support toward me too here in your own space.
It was! It shaped how I viewed the world for a long time; I still experience some flashbacks from thunderstorms. I remember the first thing I asked when I saw the water around us was, "did someone pee the bed?" So I think my coping mechanism of using humor (even if it's not funny) is an old one. I remember being surrounded by water and making leaf-boats to keep entertained, and a helicopter that couldn't reach us. We got lucky and someone on a boat came by to get us to a nearby school (we went to the roof and a helicopter reached us there, the first one couldn't reach us through telephone wires.) We lost our dog during the hurricane; couldn't take him in the helicopter with us. That sticks with me and is part of where my survivor's guilt comes from.
I'm always happy to cheer you on here! I like making safe spaces; when I get out of acute care I'd like to make an online space for C-PTSD survivors to bond. I really like C-PTSD memes, too.
Slow progress today and a bit of a headache, but doing well otherwise. No flashbacks as of late but some definite anger/derealization and fatigue. They don't allow us to smoke in here so I'm feeling a bit agitated. Therapy is mostly CBT and I know I'm supposed to meet with my doctor, but I don't know when. Hoping it's sooner rather than later so I can clear up some things. Here's to hoping.
I hope you do see the doctor soon. I'm sorry therapy is mostly CBT there. : /
Have you been doing any clay work?
Quote from: Armadillo on May 19, 2021, 11:42:37 PM
I hope you do see the doctor soon. I'm sorry therapy is mostly CBT there. : /
Have you been doing any clay work?
I'm glad I'm not the only one that's off-put by it being primarily CBT. I mentioned I was interested in EMDR and trauma specialized therapists but there don't seem to be any available here. The clay should arrive sometime early in June, so I'm excited for that. I did make two containers and a cup! I painted them myself. Clay is probably my favorite medium; tie-dye is a close second. I think art is incredibly therapeutic.
Today was a scorcher but we got some beans planted and some lettuce! Here's to hoping for a salad not too long from now.
Oh. Wow. I can't believe they don't have trauma therapists there! :aaauuugh:
CBT. Like yeah, I know it is irrational to be terrified now. All that's in the past. No you're right all the evidence points to me being a worthwhile human. That....doesn't...help.
Today's a dealing with anger about the unfairness of some things day, I think. Just very frustrated that I have to piece everything back together through structural dissociation and right now I'm frustrated, but I don't know exactly why. I think it's because it feels like I'm not being listened to while I'm in here- sort of like the therapist is projecting her wants and needs onto me. I know they want me to be more independent but right now I just want to go home and rest. I was doing well with not smoking, but some of the things here are making me want to pick it up again. The CBT isn't very effective because I feel like I'm numb right now. Working through the packets helps some.
Hoping to thaw out again soon to deal with things. Thank you for the kind words, Armadillo.
:cheer:
Anger is good!!!!! You should probably feel anger about all those things!
And even though they aren't giving you the therapy that will really heal you there, you seem to be doing a good job making the best use of your time there to work on healing yourself.
Will you have a good trauma therapist when you leave? :hug:
Quote from: Armadillo on May 20, 2021, 02:09:16 PM
:cheer:
Anger is good!!!!! You should probably feel anger about all those things!
And even though they aren't giving you the therapy that will really heal you there, you seem to be doing a good job making the best use of your time there to work on healing yourself.
Will you have a good trauma therapist when you leave? :hug:
Thank you. I'm hoping to get a good EMDR/trauma specialized therapist. I know I'm in an emotional flashback right now and actually managed to work through some of the anger to the extent of almost-crying, so that must be progress. Reading about emotional flashbacks always makes me think, "I'm so sorry" and made me realize how frozen I've been the entire time. A big hidden fawn response behind a fragile fight response- I don't like being angry, even if I let myself feel it sometimes. It's never confrontational anger, but a lot of internalized anger at how I was treated/how others are treated. A lot of "it's not fair" feelings and wanting to help other people as a response. Being the scapegoat shaped a lot of it. Some back pain today to go along with the emotional flashback so I know I'm reliving *TW* physical abuse from my half-brother. Part of me is angry at myself for not telling anyone but if I had, I don't think they would have done anything. Some day my back won't hurt as much and some day, I won't worry about bed-frames or if what I'm feeling is the "right thing" to feel.
:hug:
:hug:
I'm sorry you are having the emotional and body flashbacks and that you were abused and couldn't tell anyone.
You can tell the right people now, when it isn't too much.
TW for mentions of abuse again- and thank you for being patient with me.
Part of me wants to fight against compassion because of a wounded inner child; the other part wants to be comforted. I'm dealing with knowing that my mother knew something was going on but did nothing; and that my sibling enjoyed throwing me against things and hitting me. Still slightly dissociated right now because of it. I just don't understand how I lived through it and came out differently to them. I don't have the same violent impulses they did, and some of me wants to cry for them, too. I don't want to blame my siblings for what they did. I want to forgive them but I don't know how to. The abuse shaped me as a person to always want to apologize and that was used against me. There are so many people I want to apologize to, even if I don't "need" to. I'm missing memories of most of my high school years, and they weren't that long ago.
I think the pain in my back will go away sometime but I don't know exactly when. I feel like it broke some of my bones but I never went to the doctor to check what happened. I just remember hitting the bed frame and the floor, and gasping for air. I don't understand why I feel the need to apologize instead, but it's a feeling that's there. Maybe something happened to him that I just didn't know about. Feeling a little lost in all of it. I know he was the golden child, but there's no feeling of wanting to compete for NM's love anymore. Just a coldness and sadness that he felt the need to do that. I want to know why we couldn't play normal games. I want to know why I had to be hurt for him to have fun, and why he wanted to make my pain a "good thing" by being proud of the injuries he caused. Why he wanted me to be proud of it, too, when I never was and always left the basement with new bruises. I don't know if he really deserves forgiveness but there's an old pain in my chest that says I didn't deserve it, so why'd it happen?
Maybe I'll never know. I was hurt like that again in high school; people cut my legs and made it into a "good thing", a bonding type of environment. I just don't understand why they wanted to hurt me.
Oh, E. I don't know why they wanted to hurt you. But I know, and you know, you didn't deserve it. It was something wrong in them, not you. You did not cause this.
I don't know why you felt the need to apologize then (and now, while you are reliving that)....but it makes sense to me. Apologizing must have played some role in helping you feel safer.
The anger belongs there too, though. You can feel angry and hurt and still also feel compassion for the hurt part of your abusers that did this if you need to or want to.
But whether they had their own wounds or not, you didn't deserve to be treated like that, it was wrong for you to be treated like that, and you get to feel how you feel about that. And it was very wrong of your mother to do nothing, and also very wrong to divide her children up into golden child and the one who it's ok to abuse. It was all wrong. You were not wrong. You are not wrong. It's not your fault.
You probably don't need to apologize anymore? Especially not here, to us. K? It helped you survive then.
Apologies for the delay- I was able to get some food from a restaurant, so that's a happy moment for me today. There's some sunburn going on which is keeping me somewhat re-associated. Lots of feelings in my stomach. A nervousness/unease. I think I got used to apologizing for everything because that was easier than acknowledging that it wasn't my fault. Not a surface level knowing, but a deeper knowing that if I wanted the pain to stop, fawning was safer. I remember making ramen for my half-brothers and going hungry instead. I was the youngest, neither of them knew how to work the stove but I figured it out. My ribs hurt a bit now- assuming that's another body memory. There's absolutely structural dissociation going on. I think there's shame about it, and a wanting to cry, but no tears are coming out.
Thank you for being understanding about it. I'm not used to feeling like the hurting wasn't my fault. I remember going to a therapist early in my life and when they asked me my thoughts, I told them they were, "you always mess up." They weren't in I's, but in you's. I'm not quite sure when that started but it was something I was told frequently. The overall message was that I was bad, and the things I did were always wrong regardless of what it was. I remember being told *TW* I'd make a horrible mother, for no reason. By my own abusive mother. There was a lot of projection. She wanted to be an "energy healer" and was into reiki, so there's some dissociation around that, too. Things have to get easier at some point.
I want to tell myself it wasn't that bad but it clearly was; if it "wasn't that bad", I wouldn't feel this way.
It was that bad. It won't always be this bad. It never was your fault. You will make an amazing mother one day if that's what you want. No doubt about it.
Quote from: Armadillo on May 20, 2021, 05:54:59 PM
It was that bad. It won't always be this bad. It never was your fault. You will make an amazing mother one day if that's what you want. No doubt about it.
I appreciate it a lot. I think I've earned a little bit of a rest today- that was all a lot to process, and I'm sure there's more crying to be done about it but maybe I'm not quite ready. It takes time to cry about different things- lots of dissociation around instances in particular. :hug:
Depression melange today around the EAC. It feels a little bit like the custody battle when I was a kid, so I'm struggling to figure out how to deal with it. I've never been away from my dad for so long and with my therapist trying to push me away from him/be more independent, I'm struggling some. The thing I'd like most in the world is to go home right now, but that's not what they're recommending. Supposed to go to a group home instead- don't want to do that. Some light dissociation and somatic symptoms. Here's to hoping things go quickly.
Do you trust yourself Eidolon?
Has your dad caused harm to you or is he a place of safety? Or is it a mix?
I trust you to listen to the body, listen the mind, listen to the therapist and make the best decision for you. No one should take away that power or make you feel like a helpless pawn again.
Quote from: Armadillo on May 22, 2021, 07:37:27 PM
Do you trust yourself Eidolon?
Has your dad caused harm to you or is he a place of safety? Or is it a mix?
I trust you to listen to the body, listen the mind, listen to the therapist and make the best decision for you. No one should take away that power or make you feel like a helpless pawn again.
I trust myself and I trust my dad. There was one incident between myself and my dad because we were both going through suicidal ideation; I don't think it would happen again. I also managed to cry today over neglect from when I was a child (on my mother's side), so there's compassion building for the inner child. C-PTSD memes have been helping some. I'm hoping to get on disability at some point soon because I know I'm sensitive to other people's reactions and would probably break down from stress. Mixture of a place of safety; he's learning at about the same rate I am what kind of therapies would be helpful, how to grieve, and things like that. We're not talking at the moment (I can email him but he can't email back.)
Grieved today over neglect- a lack of food- when I was around 10 or so. There's tension in my knees and temples today. Writing things out helps some, too. Hoping to speak to my therapist about my co-lead soon (a presentation on symptoms. I think I can do that.) Haven't had trauma-focused therapy and I'm in a bit of an emotional flashback at the moment, but I'm making it through fairly well.
I hope you are able to find the best place for yourself to focus on your recovery, E. I guess in your therapist's shoes I might be a little bit worried, too. But I trust you. Just keep in mind what you need, not what anyone else needs.
Disability is a good plan for now and once you're more healed you'll be able to handle stress safely. You've got this. You are definitely worth getting healed.
Quote from: Armadillo on May 22, 2021, 10:55:44 PM
I hope you are able to find the best place for yourself to focus on your recovery, E. I guess in your therapist's shoes I might be a little bit worried, too. But I trust you. Just keep in mind what you need, not what anyone else needs.
Disability is a good plan for now and once you're more healed you'll be able to handle stress safely. You've got this. You are definitely worth getting healed.
I'm hoping to move some place where I can make rose tea- something I've been craving recently after chewing on rose petals. Maybe with a bit of milk. They don't let us do that here, everything is made by staff. I don't really want to complain about that (I'm fortunate to be in a place where people are making food and coffee), but I'd certainly like to make things for myself.
Hoping for good dreams for everyone. Thank you for always being supportive, Armadillo. Lots of crying today and I feel like there will be more tonight after meditation. That's when I cry the most.
https://youtu.be/8rIjsa85UVk <- a song recommendation. Recovery is slow and unsteady at first, then there are big leaps and jumps. Working towards forgiving myself and others right now.
I've got comorbid schizophrenia and C-PTSD, and have spent a lot of time in acute wards. Ask me anything.
The similarities between schizophrenia and C-PTSD are enough that they spent 5 years (!!!) arguing whether my symptoms were due to trauma or due to psychosis. They concluded both in the end.
Personally, I feel like the psychosis is less tangible than the trauma symptoms. While my schizophrenia might tell me the trees have killed me, my C-PTSD will instead tell me that man walking towards me at the store will assault me. I've understood from clinicians that the line is often put there, right at the point of where something becomes bizarre (in this context "bizarre" means "would not at all be possible", like trees killing a human).
If your trauma was a car accident and you hallucinate the noise of a car horns, that's probably PTSD. But if you hallucinate floating orbs in the sky that's more likely a psychotic disorder such as schizophrenia.
Keep in mind I am simply a layman with personal experience who likes to read up on stuff. You can google "dissociation and psychosis differential diagnosis" for a lot of interesting articles. Modern psychology usually places dissociation and psychosis on the same spectrum rather than as two wildly separate things.
Best of luck, and hang in there
I wish you had nothing to cry about, but since you do have stuff to cry about...good job getting it out. I agree. Go wherever you can go to be able to make rose tea. :thumbup:
Quote from: Tyr on May 23, 2021, 12:26:11 AM
I've got comorbid schizophrenia and C-PTSD, and have spent a lot of time in acute wards. Ask me anything.
The similarities between schizophrenia and C-PTSD are enough that they spent 5 years (!!!) arguing whether my symptoms were due to trauma or due to psychosis. They concluded both in the end.
Personally, I feel like the psychosis is less tangible than the trauma symptoms. While my schizophrenia might tell me the trees have killed me, my C-PTSD will instead tell me that man walking towards me at the store will assault me. I've understood from clinicians that the line is often put there, right at the point of where something becomes bizarre (in this context "bizarre" means "would not at all be possible", like trees killing a human).
If your trauma was a car accident and you hallucinate the noise of a car horns, that's probably PTSD. But if you hallucinate floating orbs in the sky that's more likely a psychotic disorder such as schizophrenia.
Keep in mind I am simply a layman with personal experience who likes to read up on stuff. You can google "dissociation and psychosis differential diagnosis" for a lot of interesting articles. Modern psychology usually places dissociation and psychosis on the same spectrum rather than as two wildly separate things.
Best of luck, and hang in there
I'm not hallucinating orbs or anything like that, I'm more hearing *TW* my dead mother's voice telling me she wished I was dead/didn't want me/that I'm going to * when a lot of stuff just.. wasn't my fault. I described it as a ghost when I was in a psychiatric hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They labeled it as schizophrenia but it comes and goes, so I'm thinking it's more likely physical flashbacks. What do you think?
Quote from: Armadillo on May 23, 2021, 01:14:33 AM
I wish you had nothing to cry about, but since you do have stuff to cry about...good job getting it out. I agree. Go wherever you can go to be able to make rose tea. :thumbup:
I've been able to successfully cry a lot more about my current situation and past situations- like accepting that I was abused to begin with instead of dissociating away from reminders all the time. There's this sense of relief after grieving for my past selves, and sometimes different internal voices. All depends on flashbacks. Thank you both for being so kind.
Quote from: Eidolon on May 23, 2021, 02:55:02 PM
I'm not hallucinating orbs or anything like that, I'm more hearing *TW* my dead mother's voice telling me she wished I was dead/didn't want me/that I'm going to * when a lot of stuff just.. wasn't my fault. I described it as a ghost when I was in a psychiatric hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They labeled it as schizophrenia but it comes and goes, so I'm thinking it's more likely physical flashbacks. What do you think?
That definitely sounds much more like the nature of PTSD. It sounds like auditory flashbacks. Flashbacks can be on any of the senses (visual, auditory, and tactile being the most common ones) and also emotional and physical. Trauma can put our bodies and minds under so much stress that they jumble the past into the present so convincingly we are almost fooled.
They probably labeled it schizophrenia thinking you believed it was a ghost talking to you, and that you believed said ghost was real. Telling them that was not the case might help them understand better..? I haven't read the entire thread so I'm not completely up to date, but do let me know if you want me to collect a couple sources on the differential diagnostics.
Quote from: Tyr on May 23, 2021, 09:43:58 PM
Quote from: Eidolon on May 23, 2021, 02:55:02 PM
I'm not hallucinating orbs or anything like that, I'm more hearing *TW* my dead mother's voice telling me she wished I was dead/didn't want me/that I'm going to * when a lot of stuff just.. wasn't my fault. I described it as a ghost when I was in a psychiatric hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They labeled it as schizophrenia but it comes and goes, so I'm thinking it's more likely physical flashbacks. What do you think?
That definitely sounds much more like the nature of PTSD. It sounds like auditory flashbacks. Flashbacks can be on any of the senses (visual, auditory, and tactile being the most common ones) and also emotional and physical. Trauma can put our bodies and minds under so much stress that they jumble the past into the present so convincingly we are almost fooled.
They probably labeled it schizophrenia thinking you believed it was a ghost talking to you, and that you believed said ghost was real. Telling them that was not the case might help them understand better..? I haven't read the entire thread so I'm not completely up to date, but do let me know if you want me to collect a couple sources on the differential diagnostics.
That's what I think happened, I've had other flashbacks recently so I know it's not ghosts- just physical flashbacks, and sometimes auditory. Some of it seems to be like the inner critic and other times, not so much. I appreciate you helping me with this; I thought I was going bonkers. I'm hoping to talk to my therapist soon about it, because there were other things going on around the same time and I don't want to be misunderstood while I'm here. Dealt with emotional flashbacks recently of an abusive relationship and it feels like memory flooding. Everything feels like it all happened so fast and I didn't have any time to process it. Therapist is reading the book I lent her on C-PTSD, so I'm hoping that may give her an idea of what I'm dealing with.
Hi Eidolon,
Flashbacks and hallucinations are really difficult, I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
I don't want to compare or anything, but I want to let you know you're certainly not alone. I experienced hallucinations too, which really scared me. For a while I thought I was dealing with some sort of schizophrenia or similar type of disorder... maybe I was, I don't really know. They did lessen and eventually go away though, as I continued along my healing journey. I hope they go away for you too when you get everything worked out.
Sending you strength while you continue to work those things out for now. You're doing great, keep up the good work! :)
I agree....I had visual, auditory, and smell hallucinations as i processed some stuff too fast.
Quote from: Jazzy on May 25, 2021, 10:56:28 PM
Hi Eidolon,
Flashbacks and hallucinations are really difficult, I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
I don't want to compare or anything, but I want to let you know you're certainly not alone. I experienced hallucinations too, which really scared me. For a while I thought I was dealing with some sort of schizophrenia or similar type of disorder... maybe I was, I don't really know. They did lessen and eventually go away though, as I continued along my healing journey. I hope they go away for you too when you get everything worked out.
Sending you strength while you continue to work those things out for now. You're doing great, keep up the good work! :)
Quote from: Armadillo on May 25, 2021, 11:28:01 PM
I agree....I had visual, auditory, and smell hallucinations as i processed some stuff too fast.
Thank you both for helping me through this- I'm unused to dealing with hallucinations and I think it was because I was processing too much stuff too fast. I think doctors took it as me being abused at home when it was more, opening up old trauma wounds. I'm hoping I can explain it to doctors. I've been picking off fleas by myself through music and meditation, with not much help from my therapist at the facility. I didn't have any therapy last week and I'm supposed to have it twice a week so something feels off. I found some music I liked a lot and might process some parts to it later- I wrote a poem earlier but don't really want to share it. Feeling a little bit burnt out is all, I think. I dealt with some smell hallucinations a few days ago and managed to make it through alright.
I also figured out some of my dissociation is anxiety and depression based, so I'm feeling a bit more than I used to. Bless.
I'd be so frustrated not getting the amount of therapy needed but again you are doing so awesome making good use of this time to heal yourself. You should be able to obtain more support but you're doing great.
I know we're all different but my hallucinations generally fade out after a few weeks. I don't even know if it's right to call what we are all experiencing as hallucinations or if they are really flashbacks. Maybe it'd freak the good doctors out a bit less if the term flashback fits to use that instead.
Good job on clearing some of the dissociation and numbness.
Quote from: Eidolon on May 26, 2021, 01:32:12 PM
I've been picking off fleas by myself through music and meditation, with not much help from my therapist at the facility. I didn't have any therapy last week and I'm supposed to have it twice a week so something feels off. I found some music I liked a lot and might process some parts to it later- I wrote a poem earlier but don't really want to share it. Feeling a little bit burnt out is all, I think. I dealt with some smell hallucinations a few days ago and managed to make it through alright.
You're doing great Eidolon! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :hug: I'm sorry you're not getting the support you ought to be getting though.
Good on you for getting through smell hallucinations. I had them too once and I remember I didn't know what to do except get in a safe place. I agree with the others that they are actually maybe flashbacks. When I'm in flashback mode, I have had feelings of things and/or visuals that never actually took place (e.g. physical violence that
nobody could live through, especially not multiple times) so with time I understood these to be symbolic of the emotional abuse. That might not be what's going on for you, but be aware that flashbacks don't have to be the literal truth, though they can be.
Thank you to Armadillo and Blueberry for being supportive- I had no idea how to deal with them for the longest time and wondered if I was going crazy. When I was in the hospital I felt *tw?*someone (or something) hitting my back extremely hard, like it was enough to break. I don't think it actually did but it felt like it would've, and there was soreness for days after. I do remember on one occasion being thrown into a bed-frame and hitting my spine but that was when I was really young. *tw end*. Psychological trauma causes aches and pains for days and I don't understand why. It can't always be that way, but some days it really makes me wonder.
Managed to stay positive today with almost no flashbacks! Going to try meditating more. I'll be meeting with my therapist on Friday, so I'm hoping for good progress- although when I go in to talk, it feels like my mind goes blank. Maybe I don't feel entirely safe here yet? Unsure, I have difficulty telling people things when I have to make eye contact.
Wishing you luck with the therapist today. I can't imagine being able to open up in that scenario so anything you can get out there with the acute care therapist is a win.
And hey. You know what they say...the body keeps the score. Your body is literally remembering the abuse. I've had this too. They are physical flashbacks. It is very definitely my body remembering the pain when triggered even if I am not aware of the triggers and am not thinking of them. My experience of the pain is nearly as intense as the actual event and has made me cry out in pain. I am not and have never been crazy. Neither are you. This is trauma. This is how it presents. You are not crazy or psychotic.
Hoping you're ok, E, maybe in a happy place drinking rose tea. :hug:
I'm back!
The internet was down because of a power-line. I settled into gradually accepting that returning to my home situation may not be the best option for the time being and told FOO to give me maybe a year. A long time for someone in my shoes (and in his), but I think it's for the best. The physical flashbacks have diminished (save for a few times where I felt my legs being hurt), and right now I'm dealing with the re-emergence of an *TW* eating disorder as a result. It feels like if there's not one thing to deal with, another self-destructive coping mechanism has to pop up.
Trying to be gentle in regards to it (and to curb over-exercising.) Thank you for keeping an eye on my journal and giving feedback!
Welcome back! I feel a bit relieved about your decision. It sounds like that will be the healthiest for both of you for awhile. I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself for the coping mechanisms. I don't have an ED but I slipped easily into not eating for most of a week when I was reliving some physical triggers. I have full confidence you can and will get your eating back to normal quickly if you just kind of roll with it and keep health and balance in mind as your ultimate goal.
Glad to hear from you Eidolon! It sounds like you're making good decisions to take care of yourself, even though they're difficult. That shows a lot of strength, and I really respect you for it. Great job! :applause:
Sorry to hear about the eating disorder popping up. Those are nasty, but it's good you recognize it so quickly. :thumbup:
Quote from: Armadillo on June 04, 2021, 08:07:31 PM
Welcome back! I feel a bit relieved about your decision. It sounds like that will be the healthiest for both of you for awhile. I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself for the coping mechanisms. I don't have an ED but I slipped easily into not eating for most of a week when I was reliving some physical triggers. I have full confidence you can and will get your eating back to normal quickly if you just kind of roll with it and keep health and balance in mind as your ultimate goal.
Thank you for the kind welcome. That's what I used to do! I'd just forget to eat, or be distracted by other things (drawing, video games, forums). It's not a conscious thing- or at least, it wasn't when I was younger. Now it fuels my inner critic a little bit more than I'd like. Things have been relatively slow in here, so there's less stress and less reason to engage in SH. I'm just glad to be able to use the forum again after the internet went down.
Dissociation has just been feeling sleepy for the most part; not complete numbness. I think that's progress. :)
That's great progress! Good job! :)
Whew, been a while. Identifying different parts that act up at different times has helped. Multiple child parts that want to make themselves known, increased dissociation as a result of things here (being constantly watched makes me anxious.) Definitive anger and hurt at PA from my childhood and some body aches. It feels like I slept the day away but I've been awake the whole time. A lot of fear and uncertainty regarding where I'm going next and how to act around people.
One thing that has helped is music; although I don't get to listen to it as much as I used to. Some hidden shame. Imagery has helped lead parts away from the internal place I refer to as "the basement." Parts that are angry or confused, other times hurt and sad when I think I'm numb. Sometimes I am and I just have to live with it, but usually there's something more to it. Working on not triggering myself to feel things (which is a bit tempting.) That's about all.
:hug:
Good to hear from you.
ETA: you gave me a craving for rose tea and I found some rose buds in a persian store this weekend. Made the tea today and it was very comforting. I wish I could send you a steaming warm cup.
Quote from: Armadillo on July 05, 2021, 09:51:34 PM
:hug:
Good to hear from you.
ETA: you gave me a craving for rose tea and I found some rose buds in a persian store this weekend. Made the tea today and it was very comforting. I wish I could send you a steaming warm cup.
I'm glad you had rose tea! I've yet to have any, although that's one of the things I am looking forward to when I get out.
Had some relief today in the form of resolving an emotional flashback that led to numbness, though I think that's to avoid the feeling of fear. I know I'm anxious and that it could be depression. Hoping to become more active on the forum again.
Good to hear from you again, Eidolon, and read about your continued progress :hug:
Thank you BB!
Slow progress in leaps; I've been reading and rereading Surviving to Thriving and debating picking up Janina Fisher's book. Hoping for things to move smoothly here in acute care. We're going to be having a salad today from greens grown in the garden! :)
ETA: We did not have a salad but the day was still good with pasta for dinner!
Good to hear from you, Eidolon. :hug:
:hug: thank you notalone!
Learned something new about myself today. It feels like I start avoiding other people as a safety mechanism, and looking back at high school I can definitely see it. I never thought of myself as someone who hides but that's definitely what I started doing- fragile self esteem, trying very hard to be liked but at the same time if I'm noticed, I get the urge to sleep/hide. It took a little bit to work through an EF based around being cold/damp (the basement), and I know there's structural dissociation. Like, the first half of the day just seems to vanish around dinner time. I spend a lot of the day feeling tired. The good news is, I got a long walk in!
Another thing I noticed: I start most days feeling anxious/fearful without knowing the reason why. Still figuring that out; I think it's progress. May be related to starting the day around a bunch of people?
I'm sorry you've had some yucky EFs around cold and damp and the basement. That sounds like a tough one. That avoidance of people, closeness, being seen...I think we all relate. :grouphug:
This is tremendous progress Eidolon! Congratulations!
I hope you find a way to peacefully come to terms with these realizations and implement new behaviours to replace them with healthier ways of living.
Hi Eidolon,
I also relate to what you wrote about avoidance of people, closeness and being seen. :grouphug:
Hope :)
EIdolon: are you still in acute care? I was just in something like that (not sure which words to use to describe it that won't be triggering), so I'd love to discuss the experience with you, as someone who can relate.
It was so extremely challenging for me. I hope you're doing well. :hug:
<3 Niko
Thank you! I'm grateful that other people relate and can share their experiences- I noticed things like compliments make me uncomfortable, and I hide for a little while after receiving any. Kicked myself into gear today to respond to the kind messages (been hiding a little bit.) :hug:
I am still in acute care, Niko! Every day feels almost the same so it feels difficult to notice any progress, but I know I'm making some. I hope everybody's doing okay!
ETA: Today I had a chance to think about why I'm so dissociated and realized there's a lot of lingering resentment towards myself. Sometimes, it's things as simple as realizing how easily upset I was as a preteen and that I had to numb things down to feel "strong"- that I would get upset at myself if I wasn't numb, until it didn't feel like there was much left. Resentment towards crying in particular- I hated crying in front of people. I have hope that it won't always be like that (and I think I could spend time figuring out where I got the idea from.) Taking it easy today. :heythere:
Can I offer a hug?
:hug:
I don't want to say too much and trigger reactions to compliments. I get that, too, so badly. Causes panic and worse.
But is it ok to say that gosh my heart breaks so much for teen Eidolon feeling weak. Being numb was being strong, in my book. You went through so very much. I'm not sure there would be any other way to survive than numbing. It feels like you are a hardy little seed that went underground and stayed there until the environment is right to grow a miraculous strong but flexible plant. Like that hard coating is starting to soften with some rains and a little sprout is peeking out to see if there's enough sun and nourishment to grow.