Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Jazzy on June 02, 2021, 11:00:45 PM

Title: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 02, 2021, 11:00:45 PM
I've been at a new stage in my healing journey for a few months now, so I decided it was time for a new journal, in order to reflect that fact. I've named this journal Omega, which is the last letter in the Greek alphabet, to represent the fact that I am near the end of my journey. Perhaps the damage will never be fully undone, there will be setbacks, and there is still some processing left to do, but my life now is better than I ever reasonably expected it could get.

It also seems appropriate to me that my previous journal was named Round 3, as "Round 3" is the final round in a best 2 out of 3 competition. Round 3 is over, and I've won!  :cheer:  ... apparently I need to cry about that for a moment.  :'(  :)

--

My journals, for reference:
Jazzy's Journal (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12238)
Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2 (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13435)
Jazzy's Journal - Round 3 (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14182)
Jazzy's Journal: Omega (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14344) <-- You are here! :)
Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14397.0)



Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 02, 2021, 11:13:01 PM
Lately my ankle has been feeling better. While it isn't fully healed yet, it was good enough for a relaxing walk this morning. While I wanted to jog, I know that it is important to go slow and let everything heal fully, so I don't injure it further. Not only is injury bad, but it will take even longer to heal properly if it is injured again.

It's also good I didn't jog, because it gave my mind lots of time to come up with new ideas. I noted at least 5 new ideas on my walk this morning. It is so great to be walking again, not only for my physical health, but my mental health too. I have felt much happier and positive overall today than I have recently. I also got a lot more accomplished. I was thinking clearer and solving problems faster.

One thing which I found interesting is that there is a short but steep hill at the end of the first third of my route. I used to despise that hill, but recently I have been happy for it. I was especially happy today because it let me work more without increasing my pace, which would hurt my ankle. Now I realize that if I feel it necessary, I can just walk up and down the hill repeatedly. In fact, I will try that tomorrow! Thank you sub conscious mind for finding me a solution. That is good work!  :thumbup:

--

Today I got an award for "user of the month". Wow!  :aaauuugh:  That's hard to really grasp. Not even a year ago I felt like no one would notice if I just disappeared one day. Sure, my sisters would have been a bit sad, but I didn't think it would have much of an impact on their lives.

Now I get this award which is only given to two people per month... and on my first month as a part of that online community! Is this even me?! What really blows my mind is that I've only been there asking for help with things. I haven't been contributing to helping others. I feel a bit bad about that, but I do plan to be more helpful to others once I learn more and get things working properly myself. The point is that others are clearly noticing the positive changes I've been putting a lot of effort in to making, and I really appreciate that.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 02, 2021, 11:22:22 PM
Ack! I feel weird being the first one to post in such an auspicious journal since I haven't been here for rounds 1 and 2 and not much of 3.
;D

Congratulations on how much healing you've done that you feel ready to consider this the Omega journal. That's really inspiring, Jazzy. I love how happy and satisfied you sound. I am not surprised at all that you got a user of the month award. Even asking questions actively helps other people.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 03, 2021, 12:26:18 AM
Jazzy, I appreciate you sharing your progress and noticing changes in your days.  I look forward to seeing what comes in the Omega. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 03, 2021, 12:29:18 AM
Thanks Armadillo!

It's okay that you haven't been here since the beginning, but I understand you feeling that way. :) I updated my first post with links to my previous journals, that way you, or anyone else, can easily find and read them. As you may imagine, they're not light reading, though. I also think it's appropriate for you to be the first other poster here. Not very many people post in my journal for reasons of their own, so it has been extremely helpful and encouraging to have you here. Your comments have been a tremendous help to me, and I can't thank you enough.

Thank you for your positivety and encouragement. I appreciate you pointing out that asking questions actively helps other people. That is a good point which I failed to consider. :)

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 03, 2021, 12:30:16 AM
Thank you Rainydiary! :)

I'm glad my writing has been helpful for you. Your post means so much to me!  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 03, 2021, 12:37:24 AM
Something I've been struggling with here, is the appropriate use of text decoration like colour!

For the first time in my life I'm appreciating and enjoying artistic things like this, and I want to just dive right in and use it excessively, to encourage that growth. Even in moderation, it seems to really brighten things up and make it better than just a wall of plain text. As Armadillo wrote about in her own journal, it is another dimension that has been missing in my life for so long.

On the other hand, I'm concerned that people may not react to it well. I didn't like decorations in the past because my mind was so damaged and twisted, and I don't want that to be a stumbling block for others.

It's like hugs... hugs are a great thing; they're a physical expression of care. Unfortunately, people have been hurt, and they may not see a hug that way, especially coming from me. So I make it a point to limit the amount of  :hug: I give out, unless someone clearly expresses they appreciate it.

I'm not sure what's best, but I think this is my journal, and my safe place. So I will use text decoration here. If I use a little much, hopefully that's okay. I think I deserve a break after years of repression.

:grouphug: with everyone who would like to join in! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 03, 2021, 12:44:26 AM
ETA:
I just wanted to say I sat down and read your old journals. You have come a very long way I can feel a different you come through in these journals. I am sorry for the abuse and awful neglect you suffered. I can see why sleeping and feeding yourself are two big themes. Thank you for sharing these journals, stories, and for always having long thoughtful input.

:grouphug:

The color is fun. Reminds me of the kids book series Geronimo Stilton. Enjoy the new dimension!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 03, 2021, 11:59:38 PM
Wow, I'm surprised you sat down and read them... I wasn't really expecting that, especially so soon. It makes me feel important and worthy, which is very nice... but also unfamiliar. Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I truly appreciate it.  :hug:

QuoteI can see why sleeping and feeding yourself are two big themes.

Reading this makes me wonder if my neglect/abuse started before my earliest memories at 3 years old. Aren't sleeping and eating topics for newborns and infants? I've always felt like such a failure, because I couldn't do those two fundamental tasks properly... maybe it really wasn't my fault though.

So, wow... thank you for that, Armadillo! It's so helpful to have input from others to help spark the mind.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 04, 2021, 12:09:31 AM
So, there are a few things I was really looking forward to writing about today. Unfortunately, this evening has been difficult. I'm feeling a lot of bad feelings, and stressed as a result.

I could really use some support right now, but I can't think of anywhere to get it.

So, I'm just going to try to relax and feel better. I can post more later.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 04, 2021, 01:41:51 AM
I am curious to see how this color shows up.  I hope you were able to find some ease this evening.  Each day I am reminded of how wellness and healing and many things in life are not linear.  We move forward and back and sideways and topsy turvy.  I often wish it all made sense and that I had more answers than questions.

:hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 04, 2021, 01:47:07 AM
Quote from: Jazzy on June 03, 2021, 11:59:38 PM
I've always felt like such a failure, because I couldn't do those two fundamental tasks properly...[/color] maybe it really wasn't my fault though.

Wow. It's just remarkable to me, how we can't see our own abuse clearly and the impact. Not just you, me too, I'm sure nearly all of us. You were expected to fully care for AND provide your own education for yourself and your siblings!!! Those are not jobs for children! You were expected to do things for yourself you had no business knowing how to do as a kid and I am not at all surprised that that shows up now as your challenge. It's like your own personal "no!" Your body and mind as an adult struggling with those things....they were speakkng up for little Jazzy: "no! I don't know how to eat and sleep! I need help and no one is here to help me." Makes all the sense in the world to me. It's nothing for YOU to be ashamed about. But your parents, yea they should feel a bit of shame. That would be appropriate.

Anyway, I'm really sorry you are having a rough evening. If you can, make an easy meal and a nice warm cup of tea and tuck yourself into bed with a nice book that has nothing to do with trauma.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 04, 2021, 11:17:17 PM
Rainydiary, is that colour grey? It is challenging to read, but it is easier if I select it so it puts a background colour under it. :) I wonder if you could combine it with a glow or a shadow to make it easier? There's lots of options! Speaking of options, there are different font faces too. I quite like some of these other ones more than the default.

You're absolutely right! Healing is a lot more complex than moving forward linearly. I wish it was easier too... but it's okay. Growth is challenging, but it makes it that much better in the end!

Thank you for sharing and the warm hug.  :hug:



Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 04, 2021, 11:31:59 PM
Many apologies that the color was so light and difficult to read.  I appreciate you exploring and bringing color.  I can't remember if it was you or another poster that mentioned music recently.  It really inspired me to listen to more music.  I have songs that bring a great deal and I've been neglecting time for that. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 04, 2021, 11:39:52 PM
Armadillo, you're right. It is remarkable how we, or at least I, am so blind to our own abuse. It's still difficult for me to use the word abuse, because I wasn't often physically assaulted. I know better intellectually, but fully accepting the truth is a much more difficult matter.  If I read all these things happening to someone else (the things that happened to me), I'd be extremely upset; heartbroken, enraged, defeated. I don't really feel that way for myself though, maybe only a very mild version of those feelings.

I agree that it's my "no" too. I think those things are triggering for me, but they've been triggering for so long, from such a young age, that I've grown completely desensitized to it. I've been thinking about desensitization a lot recently. Perhaps I'll write more about it at some point.

I think my parents should feel a lot of shame. Thinking of someone else in this situation, the words that come to mind are disgusting and repulsive. I think my M does feel a little bit of shame when I point it out. I'm guessing this is why she ignored me about my ankle, because she felt bad she didn't do a better job helping me as a child (physical therapy would have made my life so much easier), so she just ignores it so she doesn't keep feeling bad.

Thinking about it this way makes me feel a little angry. I actually like feeling a little angry about this, because it is completely unacceptable behaviour to me. I think the anger will help me to stand up for myself and demand to be treated better.

Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it! I did manage to relax a fair bit and get some sleep. Unfortunately, another major stressor (EBS) woke me up around 4am. That's been challenging, but I've been dealing with it okay.  I made some changes so it doesn't bother me as much in the future, and I took a bit of nap today, which helped.


Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 04, 2021, 11:42:57 PM
Rianydiary, it's no problem at all! I appreciate you experimenting, and I encourage you to experiment more! :)

I found that putting a black highlight on the light coloured text makes it easier to read, and I think increasing the size a bit helps too. It also makes it look 3d, which is really cool I think! :D   The code for black highlight is [ glow=black,50,500]  you just need to take the space " " out, and make sure to put [ /glow] at the end.  There's also a glow button, but you need to change the colour of the glow to black manually.  :thumbup:

I've mentioned music a couple of times. Music is a very powerful and important part of my life. I'm glad to hear you're embracing it more. I hope it is very helpful for you!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 05, 2021, 12:24:20 AM


One of the things I wanted to post about yesterday is the speed of healing. I realized that I have been healing quite quickly lately, while encouraging others to take it slow. That feels wrong and bad to me. I've been thinking about it a lot, in order to try to find a better approach.

Basically my entire life has been a trainwreck. Though I've been healing quickly recently, that has not been the case for very long at all. It took me over 30 years to accept the fact that I had PTSD, then I had to learn about CPTSD and how it was different. Then I had to learn not only how to heal, but how to live life properly, because my parents sure didn't teach me. This part took me about 5 years. I also need a very strong motivation, which happened about 3 months ago.

It took all of these pieces of the puzzle together, combined with a tremendous amount of dedication and drastic changes in my life to speed my healing up.

I know this isn't what I've been saying recently, but healing fast is good. I don't want anyone to suffer one second longer than absolutely necessary. However, it is also very difficult. Change, including healing, has consequences, both good and bad. It's important for me, and I believe for everyone, to heal at a pace which they can handle the consequences in a healthy manner, so that the positives outweigh the negatives.

I apologize to everyone I've encouraged to slow down in their healing. I did it with only the best intentions, but I should have done better, and I will do better in the future.

With that said, I want to share a graphic which helps highlight my recent progress. I hope it is encouraging to others as it is to me.

This graph shows my average steps taken per day, over the last 12 months. As it shows, I barely moved for years, but now I am much more active and in much better shape both physically and mentally.



(https://i.postimg.cc/1njxHQWJ/IMG-0218.png) (https://postimg.cc/1njxHQWJ)
Click for bigger picture!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 05, 2021, 05:39:10 AM
That's really kind and thoughtful of you Jazzy to recognize this and talk about it here. I agree that healing as fast as you can is important. But also that sometimes slower is ultimately faster. My first year in therapy we went too fast.  I didnt learn how to halt dissociation and be present so a lot of what we were doing caused a bit more harm than good and I wasn't learning to stay in my window of tolerance. Once we slowed down and just started working on noticing and naming what's happening is when my progress really took off. We had to back away from wanting to just fix stuff, in order to fix stuff. But I don't regret any of it

I am so so so happy that you are making so much progress right now toward healthy habits toward taking care of Jazzy. It's really impressive.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 05, 2021, 11:15:08 PM
Yeah, it's challenging to set the right pace. As you said, we need to learn things that most others don't, like how to be present and deal with dissociation so we can even heal at all.

I'm glad that you've taken off now, in a healthier way then before. That's excellent!

Thank you for your encouragement too. It means so much to me to have your positive support in my life. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 05, 2021, 11:33:12 PM
Today was super positive and exciting!

I was reviewing some things this morning which I don't usually look at on weekdays, and I saw a picture that looked very familiar to me, though it was out of place. I quickly realized that it was cover of the work I published a little while ago, being featured as the most popular item this week, front and centre with a big image.

:aaauuugh: :cheer:  ;D

WOW!

Of course, I took a closer look at it... and I found a minor problem! While it wasn't a big problem, it was glaringly obvious once I recognized it. I imagine this is why I don't have a perfect review on the work. Regardless, I updated it to fix the problem, so it is much better now.

I'm honestly amazed. I'm seeing big results of my hard work, which I never expected. I'm so happy, and feeling successful!

--

Later this afternoon, as I mentioned in 1,2,3, I had a good interaction with my neighbour. She is very sweet, and lent me some tools to help with the yard work. We ended up talking 3 or 4 different times throughout the afternoon. While I didn't do perfectly, I think I did very well in the situation, especially considering my social experience is nearly non-existent.

It was really great to have a positive social interaction like that, face-to-face. There's a lot more to it than just interacting online, though online is helpful too, and sometimes it is better. I was extremely encouraged that she gently expressed she would like to spend some more time together.

It's challenging to believe that my scars and imperfections and even mentioning that I had a rough childhood doesn't seem to bother her. I've always felt that people don't want to look at me, never mind spend time with me. I'm glad that is changing!


Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 06, 2021, 02:50:21 PM
Yeaaaahhhh!!!!

This is all so FANTASTIC JAZZY!

I'm not at all surprised that your article was the most popular item this week. You are very insightful and interesting to read. Keep putting yourself out there so the world can benefit from what you have to say!

I'm also not at all surprised your neighbor wants to spend more time with you. You are a good kind and interesting person. And she may have her own scars and stories and knows you'd understand and would make a good friend.

I'm so happy that you are putting yourself out there with your neighbors and at work and here, and that you survived what life threw at you. You do make the world a better place. Perfection doesn't make the world a better place. Being a real, kind person does.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 07, 2021, 11:23:21 PM
Wow, thank you so much Armadillo! This is extremely encouraging!

No wonder why people keep saying that social interaction is good. Social interaction felt very bad for me before, though. I wasn't ready; I needed to focus on other things first. I'm sad that  (professional) people don't seem to understand just how bad CPTSD is. I doubt they would recommend social interaction if they knew how much it hurt.

I think you're right about my neighbour. She did mention a couple of things that were not so great about her own childhood. I don't know how much of an impact they had on her though.

I'm happy to have survived and that I can put myself out there, too. Thank you! :)

Quote from: ArmadillloPerfection doesn't make the world a better place. Being a real, kind person does.
Wow, this is deep. Thank you for this! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 07, 2021, 11:32:20 PM
I planned to write about something else today, but this just happened and I really noticed it, again. That means I need to pay attention and process it, so here we go!

I've been taking a lot of notes lately to help keep my life organized, improve my habits, and remember important details. Currently I have 178 entries in my "Reminders" app on my phone; I'm quite busy.

I just wrote myself a note about the quote in the previous message, and I noticed that I write things in third person, i.e. to someone else. I think this is a part of why I believed I suffered from a personality disorder in the past. I'm not sure if I actually did or not, but it seems to be critically important. I think that for so long, I've felt like I didn't deserve to be a real person and have a life, so everything I wrote was always about someone else.

E.g. I just wrote another reminder for myself: Write in first person. It's all about you.  :thumbup:  then I fixed it Write in first person. It's all about me.  :thumbup:

I expect this one is going to take some time to change, but hopefully with the help of my reminder, I will be able to do it! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 08, 2021, 01:31:14 AM
Sometimes I refer to myself or write from different persons.  I think they serve a purpose at times.  I can relate to what you are saying - I think I can use it as a way to distance myself.  It is important to take up your own space and I also think it is ok to use different persons when it feels right to do so. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 08, 2021, 11:46:45 PM
Yeah, you're right RainyDiary, thank you. :)

I don't think writing in second or third person is necessarily a bad thing. I just don't like how I use it to distance myself. Perhaps I needed to do that in the past, but I think I don't need to anymore... at least, not so much. Right now, I see it as a "bad habit" I'm trying to improve, but I'll keep in mind that sometimes it is okay.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 08, 2021, 11:57:31 PM

A few days ago I wrote M an email about her ignoring me when I said my ankle was hurt. I was very clear about how I felt, and what I expected. I didn't expect her to take it well, as she's not used to being spoken to like that, especially by me. I also sent her a text message to tell her I sent an email, just in case she didn't check.

However I was disappointed, and a bit further hurt when I didn't receive a timely reply to my message about being ignored and neglected! I got a reply to my text this evening though. It was full of the usual excuses: "I was too sick to talk", "I won't ever intentionally hurt you."

I don't think I need to point out how bad those are, but I am upset about it, so what I want to say is this (though I won't).
If you're too sick to answer a text message about how you hurt your suffering child, you better be * dying in a ditch somewhere.  :pissed:

...

On the positive side, her reply was a bit better than it has been in the past, including things like "I hope you feel better soon", instead of flat out denial. I'm glad to see progress, but I hope more is made soon.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 09, 2021, 01:42:42 AM
Jazzy, I admire that you are sharing what you would like from your M even if you don't exactly get what you would like in return.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 09, 2021, 02:22:53 AM
I'm sorry Jazzy. You deserve a mom who can care about you. You didn't get that. You got someone very selfish, uncaring, and unempathetic. I'm very proud of you for speaking up for yourself, for accepting her response is unacceptable, and not letting it take you down too much. I've tried everything with my mom and have finally run out of ways to try harder and have simply had to accept: I tried. I wish it were different.  It's not my fault. I am not [fill in the blank]. There's nothing left to do but just let it be." My moral is...I needed to keep trying with my mom, and I'm glad I did for awhile, so that I could get to this point of accepting it. Obviously I am not at the end of this journey but I feel like it's a pretty good spot, compared to where I've been.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 09, 2021, 11:16:08 PM
Thank you Rainydiary. I think it is a big step for me. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 09, 2021, 11:30:59 PM
Thank you Armadillo. I'm happy to read you are proud of me. I remember my M saying that exactly one time in my life when I was "making lots of money for my age."

I'm sorry things are so difficult with your M as well. I know you've tried very hard, and so have I, I wish it were enough... but people need to change themselves.

I'm glad you're in a pretty good spot now, and that you have accepted what you can and cannot do; that's great. You're right, it's not your fault, and you are not ____ .

I feel conflicted on the topic. It would be so much easier to go no contact. I don't need her any more. For my entire life, even as an adult, I kept her close because I felt like I needed her help even though it was damaging. That's not surprising, with how poorly she raised me.

A small side note on that topic. I was at my sister's this Sunday, and at one point I had two drinks (carbonated water and iced tea). I felt guilty about that and said "I'm sorry I'm drinking all of your drinks." Thankfully, her husband understands very well and replied "It's no problem, I'd rather people be hydrated then not have enough to drink." I said "Yeah, I've passed out before from dehydration and heat stroke." My sister then told me that there were a few times in which her husband had to take her to the hospital for liquid transfusions (due to dehydration) near the beginning of their relationship. I didn't realize how bad it had been for her. To me, that was a big indication of how badly our parents failed us.

I also want things to work out before it is too late, though. I think it's easier for me because M lives so far away now. I don't have to see her in person, and there's no chance I will accidentally run in to her or anything like that. Hopefully I can slowly try to keep working at it, taking breaks when I need too. I'm glad she isn't pushing to "talk it all out immediately" like she has in the past.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 09, 2021, 11:46:49 PM

This is backtracking a bit, to my post before about the speed of healing. While it is good to heal as fast as possible, it is still important to do so in a healthy way. For me, that means making big changes in smaller steps, instead of trying to make one massive change and failing. I've been able to accomplish so much more recently, because I took a bit more time to do it in steps.

For example, my diet, especially sugar intake, is very important to me. A big thing I didn't like about my diet was "liquid sugar". At the beginning, this meant drinking lots of pop ( "soda" for you Americans :) ) I've tried to quit drinking pop many times before, but in the end, failed every time.

The only one time I've had pop this year is when my friend died. That night I had fast food. It was a horribly stressful situation. I understand and I'm okay with drinking pop that day. Overall though, I think it's fair to say I haven't had pop this year.

Here's the steps I had to take, in order to make that change though.



Finally, I'm able to make my own fruit juice, which is always what I've wanted to do. It's so simple, but it took a long time to get here. Tonight I blended 3 strawberries, a banana, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and water together (in to a big pitcher for the next few days). Much less sugar, no concentrate, no preservatives, it's so much healthier. It also isn't much more expensive either, which is great! I'm happy to spend an extra 25 cents (roughly) and 3 minutes for a drink that I'm so much happier with.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 10, 2021, 01:55:22 AM
I wish you tons of luck in figuring out things with your M in a way that is healthy for you.

I think what you say is right on about pacing and it makes so much sense that you and your sister struggle to do things like stay hydrated. I'm sorry you both were neglected so much.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 10, 2021, 02:04:45 AM
Jazzy, I am thinking of you and your sister.  I hope those moments where you learn about each other offer support and solidarity. 

I appreciate how methodical you approach finding what works for your health body.  I hope you continue to find ways to meet your needs in ways that feel right to you. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 11, 2021, 12:05:35 AM
Thank you Armadillo. I'm on a break from M right now until I feel better, or at least less hurt, about the situation. :)

I'm glad to hear it makes so much sense to you. It's still a bit difficult for me to understand. I get that being neglected as a child results in us neglecting ourselves as adults, but I don't understand why hydration specifically. There was almost always running water. Maybe only a day or two the water got shut off a few times, but there was some stored in those cases too. I guess it just feels so extreme. I guess I was treated extremely badly though... it's just difficult to fully accept that.

Thank you for your compassion and sharing, it helps a lot. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 11, 2021, 12:27:25 AM
Rainydiary, thank you for your thoughts. You're right, it is very helpful to share those moments with my sister.

I'm happy to hear you appreciate my methodology! I have a lot of experience thinking in different ways, not only because I needed to do that to survive, but also because of work. I'm a computer science engineer with a focus on artificial intelligence development, so "how to think" and "how to learn" is a big part of my life. Recently, "how to feel" and incorporating those three things together has become the primary focus in my work, which has catapulted me ahead.

The point though, is that I'm glad I can use what I've learned to lead to positive results in my life. Thank you. I will certainly do my best to continue to care for myself in a healthy way, which feels good too. :)

--

I feel badly because a while ago, I told you that the colour you chose was difficult to read, and I haven't seen you use any colours since. I really didn't mean to be discouraging, but to provide honest feedback, in order to make things easier (better?) for everyone. I would feel much better if you used some colours again, at least here, in my journal.  Of course, you don't need to, if you don't want to. It's good to do what is best for you.

Regardless, it is absolutely fine even if the colours are sometimes hard to read. Some things work out better than others. Accepting, then understanding, then trying again to find a good result is how we learn. If everything goes perfectly on the first try, that is more "getting lucky" rather than learning.

I've learned there are a lot more colours available than the ones listed in the drop down box. If anyone wants to experiment, feel free to do so here! This is how you get extra colours:

Use the color tag, along with an RGB color code instead of a named color. RGB color codes start with #.

Example: blue text  (take the space " " out of the tag to make it work)

Blue text with named color tag: [ color=blue]
Blue text with RGB code tag: [ color=#0000FF]

The closing tag is always needed for formatting, which is [ /color] for color text. So the final example for blue text with RGB code is:
[ color=#0000FF]Blue text example[ /color]

You can try copy and pasting the line above, then taking out the spaces " " between [ and color to see it work.

The easiest way to do this is to use the drop down to pick a colour, then replace the name like "blue" with the code like "#0000FF". Websites like https://rgbcolorcode.com/ (https://rgbcolorcode.com/) make it easy to find the codes for millions of colors!

This color is called "purple heart". The code is #63268c. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 11, 2021, 01:48:46 AM
Jazzy, no worries.  I didn't take that comment in a negative way.  My brain has been overactive the past few weeks and it takes more steps to add color than not. 


I appreciate you exploring the color options and sharing what you learn. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 11, 2021, 04:51:17 AM
Jazzy!
you had to take care of yourself in ways no child should have too. You and your sis as adults took on the role of abuser just like a lot of us do with self harm or negative thoughts...in a way it's like rebelling against how we were treated. And I'm so happy you are taking good care of yourself now. Nurturing instead of neglecting.

That's cool you work on artificial intelligence!

what do you think you'll have for dinner with your neighbor?
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 11, 2021, 11:17:35 PM
Rainydiary:
Whew, I'm relieved you didn't take my feedback negatively!

I'm sorry to hear your brain has been overactive. That is challenging. You're right, it does take a bit longer to add colour.

Thank you for adding some colour tonight, and for expressing your appreciation over the time I take to share. :)  
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 11, 2021, 11:34:52 PM
Armadillo:
You're right. Thank you for explaining how we take on the role of the abuser, and how I'm not alone in that. It seems to me that is what my M taught me to do though, so perhaps I am just following her example. I think there's a lot more to it though, or at least more for me to process.

Thank you for being happy for me taking care of myself. It's such a big thing!

Yeah, I think AI is pretty cool. I'm very passionate about it. I could go on for hours, but basically the concept of creating intelligence in a non-living thing (computer) to help improve our lives... that's just an amazing thing to me.

--

Wow, dinner! I'm so glad you asked! I've been wanting to tell someone about it, as I'm very excited, but I don't really have anyone. I could talk to my sister, but she would go on about it being a "date" and all of that, which would just add more stress to what I'm already feeling over the situation.



I'm stressed because it is scary. It feels like it is really putting myself out there.

First of all, making dinner for someone else seems like a big responsibility, especially considering how badly I've done with nutrition for most of my life.

Second, cooking over a fire is much more difficult; especially with timing to have everything cooked and warm, but not overcooked or cold. I haven't cooked over a fire in 10+ years.

Third, her diet may be very different than mine. Even if I do a great job it might be very foreign to her, so she may not like it. Especially considering I've been eating vegetarian recently. I don't mean to judge anyone else, but I want to get my nutrition without animals being killed for it.



I am very excited though, and I think it will work out well. Here's what I have planned.

Salad with lemon water to start. Spring mix, tomatoes, cucumber, and Italian (or optionally Chili Caesar) dressing. Simple, yet tasty. :)

With dinner, I have planned to drink almond milk.

Main course will be vegetable skewers on a bed of rice. I have tomato, mushroom, peppers, onion, zucchini, and pineapple for the skewers.

Side dishes will be pasta salad (pasta, tomato, cucumber, mushroom, carrot, peppers, cheese, black beans, and Italian dressing), and baked potatoes with chili and topped with salsa.

For dessert, I have strawberries with chocolate drizzle.

All of the toppings (dressing, salsa, chocolate etc.) are home made. I've put a lot of effort in to making my own things instead of eating store bought food, which has far more preservatives and other additives.


While this sounds good to me, I would appreciate some feedback. It would be great if I could avoid a disaster, or someone has other ideas which I could incorporate.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 11, 2021, 11:40:04 PM
I'm rather short on time this evening. I have to go back to finish making the Italian dressing and pasta salad for tomorrow, so it can sit overnight. However there is something I'd like to briefly share.

Today I didn't do much work. I took it easy, because it had been so stressful earlier in the week. I spent some time being more creative. One of those things was creating a wallpaper (desktop background) image, based on what Armadillo said earlier, which really stood out to me.

I think it's not perfect, but considering the quote, it seems appropriate. So while a small part of me wants to go back and re-make it, I am choosing to leave it as-is.

(https://i.postimg.cc/68jWQHwk/perfection.jpg)
Click for bigger picture! (https://postimg.cc/68jWQHwk)

Feel free to save the image for your own use and share, if you would like. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 11, 2021, 11:56:42 PM
 :hug:

Thank you Jazzy. That made me cry. In a good way, in exactly the right way. Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it goes and if you need encouragement you know where to find us!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 13, 2021, 12:11:02 AM
 :hug: Well, this feels strange to say.... but I'm glad you cried. Sometimes it is good. :) Thank you.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 13, 2021, 12:15:38 AM
Sadly, I ate alone tonight. I'm not sure why but my neighbour hasn't been home all day, despite saying she would be. I'm trying not to take it personally, especially given this was her idea. So, that's confusing.  ???

It's been difficult though. I'm really proud of myself that I didn't totally shut down, like I have in the past. That's encouraging. I imagine tonight trying to sleep will be challenging. It's harder to stay positive when just laying in bed.

For now, I'm okay... at least I had a nice dinner. Here's a couple of pictures, I hope no one minds.

(https://i.postimg.cc/CZBvcz9Q/IMG-0272.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CZBvcz9Q)
(https://i.postimg.cc/cKpF2dS4/IMG-0274.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/cKpF2dS4)

--

Tonight has also been a learning experience. I find it's easier to learn when things don't go perfectly. Now I know some things that I can do differently in the future to make a situation like this easier from the beginning. It's really encouraging that my mind could think like that, despite tonight being challenging.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Not Alone on June 13, 2021, 02:45:36 AM
I'm really sorry that your neighbor didn't come over. That would be really disappointing.

The wallpaper you created is great. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 13, 2021, 05:35:25 AM
What a huge disappointment! You really planned a long time for that dinner and I know it meant so much to you. I'm glad you are feeling mostly ok though about this. So much could have happened. Your neighbor could have her own difficulties that caused her to react and retreat that have nothing to do with you, she could have forgotten, or she could have had an emergency.

Your dinner looks delicious! You did a good job! I'm glad you posted pictures.

:hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 13, 2021, 03:51:34 PM
jazzy, sorry your dinner didn't turn out as you expected.  i really like your attitude, tho, about being able to pull something positive about yourself out of such a disappointing event.  i don't think i've thought about myself that way, so it's an interesting perspective to me.  i've usually found more strength within myself when things go as planned.  it's a trust issue, i think - helps me build trust in myself (that i did something 'right') and in the other person.  i do like how you looked at it for yourself, tho.  it's like it's the other side of the circle, something that completes the whole.

thanks for sharing that.  it really gave me something to reflect on.  sending love and a hug filled with continuing of a positive path for yourself. :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 14, 2021, 12:44:56 AM
Notalone:

Welcome to my journal! :)

Thank you for your empathy and understanding. I was really disappointed and a little hurt as well. I know things have been difficult for you recently and I haven't seen you around much. I really appreciate you stopping in to send me some encouragement!
Thank you!

Thank you for your positive feedback about my wallpaper too! I've never made one before, so your positive reaction means a lot to me! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 14, 2021, 12:54:02 AM
Armadillo:

Thank you; it did mean a lot to me. I put a lot of time and effort in to it! I'm not exactly feeling okay compared to a "normal person", but I'm feeling great about it for a trauma survivor.

You're right, so many things could have happened. I've been thinking about a few things she mentioned about her own life, which sound extremely challenging. I keep going back and forth between feeling rejected and concerned for what's going on with her. Whatever it was, which realistically is none of my business, it is clearly important for her to be away from the house unexpectedly for an extended period of time. I just wish it was easier for me to accept that.

Thank you for complimenting my dinner. It's the first time I've made a dish like that, so I'm happy with it. Tonight I did even better with the presentation! I'm especially relieved and appreciated to hear you are glad about the pictures.

There are so few pictures on this forum. I completely understand why, but it leads to me feeling hesitant to share my own.

The positive feedback helps a lot though, so thank you again!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 14, 2021, 01:03:03 AM
Sanmagic:

Welcome to my journal! :)

Thank you, San! Yeah, I'm trying so hard to find some positives instead of getting stuck on the negative feelings. This may sound strange, but it has actually been therapeutic to feel hurt, then be able to handle it. I'm so proud of myself that I actually made most of what I planned, then ate it for myself! It was delicious! Of course I made much more than necessary, so now I have a great dinner for a few nights at least.

I believe you are exactly right; it's about trust in oneself. When you can trust that you'll make it through and be okay, it is easier, or at least possible, to do that.

Thank you for sharing this. I was just trying to be positive. I didn't realize there was so much more to it, but I am glad to learn from you. :)

I guess we both have something to reflect on now. That is wonderful! :cheer:

Thank you so much for your love, hug, and well wishes!

Update: I feel it is important to type this out more clearly for myself and anyone reading. The reason I said it is easier for me to learn when things don't go perfectly is because that disappointment is a cue (UPDATE: and motivation) for the mind to think of a way to avoid being disappointed again in the future, which hopefully leads to new ideas with improved results. When everything goes perfectly on the first try, there is not much of a reason for the mind to think on how to improve, because the results were so good. Being able to "handle" and process the disappointment and other emotions is a critical requirement for the process to work.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 14, 2021, 01:15:21 AM

Wow, this has been quite a weekend. There's far too much for me to write about right now, so I'll just cover some key points.

Sleeping was tough at first. I woke up 4 or 5 times during the first hour or so. Thankfully it got much better after that. I imagine it is because I did so much work/exercise during the day; I actually slept fairly well. I was awake at 4:30 this morning, which is too early for my liking but my mind and body wanted to get up.

Today I wrote my survivor's story. It was very emotional. I had to take a number of breaks, and cried quite a few times. It was extremely therapeutic though. I've done more healing this weekend than I have in a very long time. While it has been challenging, it has been extremely good for me.

After I finished writing, I took some time to listen to a song about being mistreated, then finding strength from that mistreatment in the end. I listened to it a number of times and cried for a while.

Eventually I had a late lunch and took a nap. I've spent most of the day trying to relax, going back and forth between feeling serious and calm.

I wish I had more time in the day. I'm getting a longer and longer list of things to write about here. There's also a lot of other things I want to get done; I have years of time to make up for! It's alright though. I'm going to take it easy tonight. I'm looking forward to getting out for a good walk early tomorrow morning!

--

This morning on my walk I took a new route, in order to walk further than I have been in the past. I saw an interesting building, which was very green. I also found a flower on an abandoned lot, which I brought home. I didn't feel too bad picking it, because it was already dying. When I brought it home, my cat was very curious, because it's not something I've done before.


(https://i.postimg.cc/Kkmb3C0Q/IMG-0278.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Kkmb3C0Q)   (https://i.postimg.cc/rDtMB1dG/IMG-0279.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/rDtMB1dG)  (https://i.postimg.cc/5HB10fS6/IMG-0281.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/5HB10fS6)

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 14, 2021, 01:32:40 AM
Hey! Wow! That must have taken a lot out of you to write your survivor's story and is really brave to face that and to let yourself cry without shutting it out.

It really really does sound like you have years of time to make up for and that sounds really exciting!!!

Love the photo of that very green building and your cat checking out the flower. I once stole an entire plant from a downtown planter box. It was not being watered, was about 4 inches tall and almost dead. I planted it at home and it is lush and hip high. No guilt.  :bigwink:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 14, 2021, 03:19:34 AM
Jazzy, I am glad you found some things that felt healing this weekend.  I have not heard of a survivor story and am intrigued to try that out. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Not Alone on June 14, 2021, 01:18:06 PM
Jazzy,

You being aware that I haven't been around as much lately and that I've been having a hard time was like a warm hug to my heart. Thank you.

You did so much work this weekend: survivor's story, tears, song. I'm sure you needed that nap. It sounds like you are being kind to yourself in allowing yourself to try and relax after all that work. That's great.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 14, 2021, 04:34:55 PM
hey, jazzy,

wow!  i didn't realize i hadn't been part of your journal before this.  i just thought i'd been away for a long time.  well, no time like the present.

good to hear your sleep was ok after a rocky start.  love the flower!  i'm a flower child at heart, so flower pics hit me in a good place.  your kitty's curiosity is fun.

survival story, huh?  that takes incredible courage and determination, to my mind.  well done! :thumbup:

keep on keepin' on, my dear.  i think you're accomplishing a lot on many different levels.  love and hugs :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 15, 2021, 09:51:46 PM
Armadillo:

Thank you for your support and encouragement! I find it very helpful.  :thumbup:

I'm glad you nursed the plant back to health and took good care of it. That's awesome of you to do! It strikes me as a powerful, encouraging, and motivational story. It's so nice to hear those! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 15, 2021, 09:59:13 PM
RainyDiary:

Thank you for your empathy. :)

There are Survivor Stories here on OOTS! Click here for a direct link. (https://www.outofthestorm.website/personal-stories-of-complex-ptsd)

My story is still in the process of being published here. I've also posted it on my own website. My website isn't fully set up and configured yet, but it should work most of the time! Click here to read the story on my website. (http://aidevelopment.org/jazzysstory.html)

I found it incredibly healing to write my story out to be published. It was the thing that finally allowed me to fully accept that I'm a normal person who lived through all of this mess, and that it is the fault of my parents and other childhood caregivers, not mine!

If you feel you are in a good place to start your own story, that sounds wonderful! It is certainly not easy though, so be ready. :)

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 15, 2021, 10:01:07 PM
Notalone:

You're welcome. I'm glad that our interaction helped you feel better. That's wonderful for both of us!  :cheer:

Thank you for your support and encouragement. I'm working very hard to treat myself better, even when that means relaxing. Your positive feedback is very helpful for me to continue doing so! :)


P.S. "Pink" is difficult to read on this background, so I picked a brighter colour which stands out more. The exact spot I happened to click is called "Hot Magenta"; what an encouraging colour! The code is #FF26DB if you would like to use it yourself.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 15, 2021, 10:07:34 PM
Sanmagic:

You have posted in my previous journals before, which I appreciate. This particular journal is fairly new though. I also haven't been very welcoming in the past, so I was just making sure you, and everyone else, have been welcomed this time.

Thank you for your encouragement and kind words about the pictures and cat! That really helps make my day better, because it makes me feel valuable and appreciated. :)

I want to get some more flowers around the house, but I find it quite difficult to do gardening, so far. The plants can't tell me what is wrong, so I need to figure it all out myself. It will get better in time though. I'll get more flower pics for you. They are beautiful and special, like you and the rest of us.  :thumbup:

:hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on June 15, 2021, 11:06:09 PM
Jazzy: Love the pic of the kitty and flower!

This thought came to me: If you don't have the spoons for gardening, is there another way to get that beauty into the house? As an example, I love plants, but I only seem to have a green thumb if they're outdoors, LOL Indoors, it's not going to happen. So I ended up getting some nice fake peonies that look pretty realistic and keep them in a vase. Would decent quality fake flowers at least allow you to enjoy something pretty?  Just a random thought.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 12:18:29 AM
CactusFlower:

Thank you for your encouragement and positive feedback about the pictures, as well as your brilliant idea! :)

To be honest, I don't know what you mean by "spoons". I've seen you write that before as well, so I looked it up! This is what I found:

QuoteA spoon is an imaginary unit of energy used by people with illnesses and disabilities. These people use spoons to describe daily activites (sic) with a limited source of energy.

Is this what you mean by "have the spoons", or is it something different?

--

You make a very good point here:
QuoteI love plants, but I only seem to have a green thumb if they're outdoors, LOL Indoors, it's not going to happen.

I think my poor little aloe plant is suffering from lack of sunlight. My M told me they would be fine in the house, but she obviously isn't good at nourishing things. I read that they should get about 6 hours of sunlight a day, but it also important not to "shock" them with big changes... kind of like me! :) I'm working on getting it more sunlight now. Hopefully I can save it before it is too far gone.

I'm glad you found some nice peonies to help infuse your place with colours. I find that so helpful. It's a great idea, I love it!  :thumbup:

I did get a few fake tulips a while back because I really needed something. Unfortunately they were quite expensive, because I had to order them online due to lockdown. Now I can go get some cheaper ones though, so I can get a lot more colour with hurting my budget too much! Yay!  :cheer:

Here's what I have for my television so far. Do you have any recommendations that would look better? I can swap out some of the tulips for something else. Sorry it's not the best picture, but taking a good picture inside with my phone camera is extremely challenging; at least it's honest. :)

(https://i.postimg.cc/gn2V2zsz/img-0291.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gn2V2zsz)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 12:25:00 AM
M texted me again today to tell me she sent me an email of a picture about something she's been working on for me. While it is nice she is working on something for me, it hardly makes up for a lifetime of neglect, especially with being ignored so recently. I also told her I needed some time, but she was texting me yesterday and again today. It's too much too soon, and it's upsetting me.

After reading Armadillo's text to her M, I had the courage to text my M back and be honest about what was going on. I politely told her to stop contacting me so frequently and that she is not respecting the fact that I told her I needed space, which is making things worse.

She didn't reply, which is understandable, though something like "okay, sorry to bother you" would have been nice.

It was still difficult to do. I'm sure my acting like this is difficult for her to handle. It is really great for me though, I have felt much better since sending that message! I hope that by being honest with her, she will learn how to treat myself and others better. I guess she can't figure it out for herself.

I feel a little bit guilty for "making her feel bad", but the truth is that there are consequences to her (lack of) actions, and the consequences of her actions belong to her, not to me!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Not Alone on June 16, 2021, 01:05:44 AM
I love the bright pink. Thanks for sharing how to use different colors.

Quote from: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 12:25:00 AM
After reading Armadillo's text to her M, I had the courage to text my M back and be honest about what was going on. I politely told her to stop contacting me so frequently and that she is not respecting the fact that I told her I needed space, which is making things worse.
Great job being clear with your boundaries.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 01:56:37 AM
Notalone:

You're welcome; I'm glad I can help! I'm glad you like it too. I tried to pick a colour that matched the flower in your picture.

Thank you for your encouragement too. It is very helpful, especially on a difficult topic like this. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 02:03:07 AM
Something I've thought about recently is how my mother destroyed my individuality as a child.

One example, which is an important thing to me, is how I was born left-handed, but she forced me to switch to being right-handed. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe she was afraid of me being different, or maybe it was because of her religion. I suspect the latter had a lot to do with it, because the private religious school I was at for kindergarten wouldn't tolerate me using my left hand. That kind of hatred and intolerance really upsets me.

Recently, my niece pointed out that I was "different", to which I replied something along the lines of "Yes, there are around 8 billion people in the world. I'm glad I'm not the same as all of them." This led her to think about it in a new way, and she exclaimed how boring the world would be if everyone was the same, which is what M and the others forced me to become.

I don't know if I can switch back to being left-handed; it's much more difficult as an adult. I can work on becoming ambidextrous to start, though. At least I'm still left-handed in sports. It's a small silver lining of never being able to leave the house. She couldn't corrupt me fully!

...

Wow, that last sentence is hitting me hard. I need to process that more.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 16, 2021, 02:31:46 AM
Jazzy, I find it upsetting when others aim to push others into a box or category.  It is often so arbitrary what we are striving for, especially in the case of one handedness being superior to another.  I wish your left handedness had been honored.  Our brains can change so I hope you find a way of expressing whatever side works for a given situation. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 16, 2021, 03:29:00 AM
That is such a beautiful message your niece got from you. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes for kids:

Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

I wish all that stuff never happened to you. But you are a pretty unique person and that part is gold.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 01:07:15 PM
Rainydiary:

Thank you so much.You're right, things like that are ridiculous to force people to change. The opposite is true too though, being left-handed is not better than being right-handed. It's just natural for me, so I want to get back to respecting myself.

Thank you for your respect and hope, that is very comforting and encouraging. I am especially encouraged that you find it upsetting how I was treated, as it makes me feel worthy and respected. Thank you.  :hug:

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 01:11:12 PM
Armadillo:

Thank you! I hope it helps her to express her own individuality and feel more confident. I really like that quote, and I think it is good for adults too! I've been using a lot more talents lately, even though they aren't very developed yet.

Thank you for your compassion and compliments. That is very sweet of you. :)

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 01:13:29 PM
This morning I ate breakfast using my left hand to begin working on becoming ambidextrous. It wasn't easy and it took longer, but it also wasn't as challenging as I was expecting. I was awake early this morning, around 4:30, so I had plenty of time to spend eating slowly.

It is a good start! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 01:42:58 PM
I've been thinking more about my survivor story. It is a really important thing to me, and I am still making minor updates. I also fixed the problem the website was having yesterday. Sorry if anyone tried to read it but it didn't load. Here's the link again: Jazzy's Story (http://aidevelopment.org/jazzysstory.html) if anyone would like to read it now.

When I wrote my previous post about writing the story, I didn't do a very good job of expressing my emotions. I understand that it is because I was very emotional already, and it is challenging to express so much to other people. However I have had more time to process it now.

I said this to RainyDiary, and I think it is worth mentioning again:
QuoteI found it incredibly healing to write my story out to be published. It was the thing that finally allowed me to fully accept that I'm a normal person who lived through all of this mess, and that it is the fault of my parents and other childhood caregivers, not mine!

Being able to own the reality of my life like that has been a massive accomplishment and lead to a lot of growth and confidence.

I also feel it is worth mentioning these two paragraphs from my story again:
QuoteIf I had to pick only one thing to share which changed my life, it would be this question: Am I absolutely happy right now?

While it's important to make changes in manageable-sized steps, continuously asking myself that question has allowed me to heal much more than I ever expected. I find it so easy to stop healing when I start to feel a bit better, but repeatedly taking one more small step after I become comfortable is how I've progressed to where I am today.

For me, this one thing is the key between being okay (which really isn't okay to me) and being excellent. It started out simply. I wanted to be happy, but I noticed that when I felt less depressed I would be less motivated to work towards feeling happy. So I made it a point, with reminders on my phone, to keep asking myself if I was happy or not. Because I was so unaccustomed to being happy, I didn't have a very good understanding what it was like. This is why I included the word "absolutely". A little happy is nice, but absolutely happy is so much better! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 16, 2021, 04:10:52 PM
I didn't see the link before and appreciate you sharing your story with us. I am going to wait to read it until I have a good spot to give it my full attention, which it deserves.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 06:54:03 PM
Thank you, Armadillo! I appreciate that. :)

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 16, 2021, 06:58:49 PM
Jazzy! Thanks for sharing that. I'm surprised you put it out there, name and all. That takes courage for folks like us. I can't really believe how much you've recovered without good therapy. That's really inspiring. And I love what you say about happiness and continuing to take small steps forward, even when things feel good.

It wasn't ok that you were left to teach yourself and your siblings, to deal with your sister's death and night terrors alone, and abandoned by your parents as a teenager.

I am very sorry for your losses and really admire your strength.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 16, 2021, 06:59:14 PM
[TW: Alarms]

--

This morning on my jog there was a house a couple of blocks down from mine that was on fire. This was somewhat triggering for me, not only because of the thoughts and memories of alarms going off in the middle of the night and all that entails, but because of all the police that were blocking my route. I have had so many bad experience with the police, but never a good one.

However, because I had to go around them, I decided to detour a little further than necessary and I found a small street which seemed to be a wonderful little neighbourhood. It was a big contrast to my usual route, only a few blocks away, where people are much more closed-minded and unkind.

There were a lot of encouraging things I found. I really liked this one sign, so I stopped to take a picture of it. It helped me feel so much better, which helped me jog just a little bit further than yesterday! :)


(https://i.postimg.cc/dZc28t17/IMG-0293.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/dZc28t17)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 16, 2021, 08:31:17 PM
Jazzy, I can relate to alarms and police presence as triggering.  It sounds like the unplanned detour was a pleasant surprise following moments of difficultly. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on June 17, 2021, 12:13:00 AM
What a sweet sign! Glad you found something better on a different route. I can see how the situation on the block would be upsetting. Here's to new routes and nicer people.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 17, 2021, 12:14:17 AM
Armadillo:

You're welcome! Thank you for your positive reaction!

Yeah, it took a lot to put my name up there, and honestly it took me a while to process the fact you read it, which is why I couldn't reply earlier. It's good though. It's really helped make real who I am and what I've been through. I just couldn't really accept it before. I'm glad you found inspiration in the positivity I wrote, that's wonderful! :)

It was all so horrible! Thank you for acknowledging and affirming that, it also helps a lot.

I am 110% determined to be positive right now though, so I must say there is silver lining in it. I can teach myself nearly anything. There's no way I could have afforded a basic education in computer science, never mind my specialty. Because I was able to learn on my own, I just kept learning and taking more and more courses, then found jobs which would pay for "on the job training". I've ended up with a ton of certifications and qualifications I wouldn't have been able to obtain otherwise.

Being abandoned and alone so much is harder to find a silver lining in, but I think it's made it possible for me to survive and heal on my own, without a licensed therapist.

Thank you though, your words mean so much to me!  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 17, 2021, 12:18:10 AM
Rainydiary:

I'm sorry you can relate to those nasty things as being triggering. It's so brutal! We should be able to see things in life like this without such an overwhelming reaction.

The detour was great though! It was exactly what I needed. I love how things like that work out, our sub-conscious minds are truly amazing!

Thank you for your empathy. I hope you're doing well today! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 17, 2021, 12:26:08 AM
CactusFlower:

Thank you! I'm glad too! :D

Quote from: CactusFlowerHere's to new routes and nicer people.
:yahoo: I absolutely love this! Cheers!  :thumbup:

--

Which colour do you like for your name? It can be any colour, but I'm not sure what a good one would be for you. There are no cacti where I live, but I looked it up and there are lots of colours of cactus flowers.

Also, do you prefer to be called CactusFlower or Sage?
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 17, 2021, 12:46:02 AM
Wow, it's been quite a day today!

I pushed too hard to "not feel hurt" by all the things going on recently. I still want to be better than I am, even though I'm doing great compared to how I have been in the past. I just kept hitting triggers today, then I would bring my mood back up, then run in to another trigger.

I was really feeling it while I was making dinner. I was tired and my legs hurt and I just felt so bleh. I had the motivational music going, and I was trying so hard, but it wasn't enough. I was barely keeping my head above water. I thought about going outside because exercise has been helping lately, but a lot of triggers were outside today.

Half way through dinner I realized that I wanted to practice using my left hand, so I worked on that. I took my time and tried to encourage myself even though I didn't really feel it. It went pretty well I think. It could still be better, but today is my first day!

After dinner I did the dishes, trying to be careful about how much water I was using, but trying to still use enough to get them rinsed off well. Drying them is much less stressful though, so I started to get lost in thought and just dry them on auto-pilot. After a minute or two I noticed something felt strange, so I looked down and saw that while I was on auto-pilot, I had started using my left hand to dry the dishes.

It hit me that this was my mind getting back to acting how it is naturally after a lifetime of being forced to conform. I just started crying big tears of healing. It was so powerful that I could barely hold my head above water, and yet my mind is just living its best life.

Then I felt so good, everything faded away. I really started to feel the music and ended up dancing around my house for an hour straight! 4 months ago, I was doing less than 600 steps per day. I danced for 900 steps in an hour after dinner! Wow!  :aaauuugh:

So much for feeling tired and sore! At one point I wondered if I was still sore but just not paying attention, so I tried to pay close attention, but my muscles were feeling fine. They still do! I'm continuously amazed at how powerful the mind is. "The psychosomatic effect" is generally accepted as truth now-a-days, but this is incredible. I wouldn't call that much power an "effect", I'd call it a cause.

Maybe the mind still is not fully appreciated, but the school of hard knocks has taught me better. I'm excited to try to work in to incorporating this in to an artificial intelligence. I actually had a massive breakthrough a few days ago on that topic. I don't think I can really get it out there at this point in my life, but it has potential to "revolutionize the industry", as they say.

I have a feeling I'm going to fall asleep sometime soon-ish and sleep solidly for quite a while. It's been an exhausting day, both physically and mentally. That's fine though, it's so great to be able to sleep peacefully!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 17, 2021, 12:48:51 AM
P.S. I feel anxious telling people that I've been dancing around like that. I've always been afraid of people who dance, because they seemed crazy to me. It's good though. It's a good workout and good emotional release as well. Another thing is that I have been so bad for so long. I deserve to be equally as good for at least as long. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Not Alone on June 17, 2021, 12:58:19 AM
Jazzy, I read your survivor story. I had so many thoughts and feelings when I read it. What sticks out the most to me is feeling really sad that young Jazzy was alone with nightmares every night of your childhood. That breaks my heart.

You are very courageous to have written your story and then to share it. Wow.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Not Alone on June 17, 2021, 01:01:06 AM
Quote from: Jazzy on June 17, 2021, 12:46:02 AM
After dinner I did the dishes, trying to be careful about how much water I was using, but trying to still use enough to get them rinsed off well. Drying them is much less stressful though, so I started to get lost in thought and just dry them on auto-pilot. After a minute or two I noticed something felt strange, so I looked down and saw that while I was on auto-pilot, I had started using my left hand to dry the dishes.

It hit me that this was my mind getting back to acting how it is naturally after a lifetime of being forced to conform. I just started crying big tears of healing. It was so powerful that I could barely hold my head above water, and yet my mind is just living its best life.

Then I felt so good, everything faded away. I really started to feel the music and ended up dancing around my house for an hour straight! 4 months ago, I was doing less than 600 steps per day. I danced for 900 steps in an hour after dinner! Wow!  :aaauuugh:

:cheer:              :cheer:                 :cheer:                Awesome!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on June 17, 2021, 01:25:36 PM
Quote from: Jazzy on June 17, 2021, 12:46:02 AM
It hit me that this was my mind getting back to acting how it is naturally after a lifetime of being forced to conform. I just started crying big tears of healing. It was so powerful that I could barely hold my head above water, and yet my mind is just living its best life.

Then I felt so good, everything faded away. I really started to feel the music and ended up dancing around my house for an hour straight! 4 months ago, I was doing less than 600 steps per day. I danced for 900 steps in an hour after dinner! Wow!  :aaauuugh:
That is awesome! Neuroplasticity is such an amazing thing, isn't it? congrats!

I just saw your previous message. Pretty much, I like any color but orange. I'll try to include a small pic here of a cholla (pronounced CHOY-ya) flower I like, that might eventually go in that tattoo I talked about. Either name is fine, I wasn't sure what to go by when i started on the boards. Sage is not my first name, but it is my middle name, and that felt a little safer at the time.  But ya'll are awesome people. :) 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 18, 2021, 02:12:15 AM
Notalone:

Thank you for reading my story! That means a lot to me. I feel good that you had a lot of thoughts and feelings. That tells me that I was able to connect, or at least have an impact, on you and others who read my story. I hope it wasn't too much though. There is a lot of pain in that story.

The nightmares were literally torture. The most physically painful thing I can think of is my heart surgery, when they broke all of my ribs. I'd rather go through that 100 times over than have all those nightmares every night. It was my entire childhood. That's literally thousands of nights... and yeah, alone...

Thank you for your encouragement and calling me courageous! That is really nice. :)




Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 18, 2021, 02:18:26 AM
Sage:

Yes, it is amazing!  :thumbup: Thank you!

Okay, I made a note that you don't like orange, so I don't use it for your name. I picked the color "Deep Lilac" (#9840B8) out of your profile picture here. I hope that is a good one. I can update it if you prefer another colour, just let me know!

I find it pretty tricky to upload pictures here, so I upload them elsewhere and just put a link here.

You're very brave to use your real middle name. I've been here a few years, and until I wrote my story, I wouldn't have dared use anything close to my real name. Good job!  :thumbup:

You're an awesome person too!  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 18, 2021, 02:30:38 AM
Working on using my left hand more is going well! It's not easy, but it is much less challenging than I was expecting. I guess it is easier to go back to default than to force myself to do something differently. That makes sense when I write it, but it is hard to realize that after being forced to be someone other than myself for so long.

While I do want to make my left hand dominant again, I also want to work on becoming primarily ambidexterous. It is so nice to be able to just use whichever hand is closer/available, instead of shuffling things from one hand to the other, or reaching across my body unnecessarily.

Interestingly, there's much more to this topic than which hand to use. I find it is more about how other things are arranged and organized. When I place things on the right side of me, I use my right hand to pick them up, because that one is closer. When I put things on the left side, it is easier to use my left hand, because it is closer. After thinking about this, I realized my fridge has been set up for a left-handed person. I didn't do this, but it is appropriate, and seems very interesting to me.

Another key point is being able to use whichever hand is available. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it feels very "good/proper/natural" to be able to do that. Instead of moving something from my right hand to hold it in my left, to make room to pick up another thing with my right hand, I just pick it up with my left hand. Instead of moving something to my right hand, or reaching across my body because my right hand is stronger, I just use my left hand. It's faster, but that's not really the point. It feels like I was only using half of my potential before, and now I am using much more of it.

Plus, I've never met anyone else who is ambidextrous! How cool is it to be able to do that?! "W" may have tried to destroy my uniqueness, but I'm turning that around and making myself even more unique :D

I imagine I've already done the hard part, changing my non-dominant hand, so it is easier for me to just balance them out now. However if I can do it, I'm sure anyone else can. It's just like anything... one small step at a time, and a lot of positivity!  :thumbup:


:grouphug:  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 18, 2021, 02:44:37 AM
So as the truth of what I've been through is becoming more real to me, I'm also accepting that my parents, mostly my mother, are the ones who did this to me. I'm a bit angry, but mostly I just want her out of my life now. I don't even want to call her my mother anymore. I've started calling her "the witch who raised me." It is not the nicest thing, but neither is how she treated me.... comparing the two, I think I'm being much nicer.

"Witch" is the worst name I could think of for her, because her religion tells her "Suffer ye not a witch to live." I don't really want her to kill herself, but if she embraces so much hatred in her life like that, then the consequences are her own.

That's not to say there is anything bad or wrong with witches. While I don't believe in anything spiritual, I really like most of the witches I've met; I find them to be positive and helpful people. I also find the Wiccan creed to be quite good. I wish more people lived by it, or something similar.

The short version of the creed is: An' ye harm none, do as ye will.

Will doesn't mean "whatever you want", but more like willpower. It's the thing that you strongly desire in your life, i.e. what you apply your time and effort in to obtaining. A more modern interpretation would be something like:

As long as you aren't hurting anyone, take action to turn your dreams and desires in to reality.


What a wonderful motto to live by. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 18, 2021, 05:53:33 AM
Anger is a really good and pure emotion to feel toward her, Jazzy. I know how complicated it is, especially when you believe religious beliefs or mental illness is at the root of the behavior but she didn't have to treat you that way. With my own mom it is mental illness. I know she has no intention to hurt others and yet her behavior does. For a very very very long time I allowed myself to feel no anger because she's mentally ill. I'm finally starting to recognize the feeling of anger in me and there's been a big transformation for me in terms of healing and non longer hating myself so much because I don't need to bear the responsibility for how she treats me or harms me even if it is unintentional.

I don't mean to make it all about me and my mom, but just wanted to share that I think your anger toward your mom is healthy, earned, and beautiful because it shows how much you are healing.

I'm also SO EXCITED that your brain is switching to using your left hand too. This is your brain healing. Yay for your new-found rediscovery of ambidexterity! What age were you when you were forced to switch hands?
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Hope67 on June 18, 2021, 12:31:18 PM
Hi Jazzy,
I also read  your description of your life and experiences, and found them thought provoking too.  Wanted to send you a supportive hug - you have been through so many things -  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 18, 2021, 09:12:27 PM
[TW: Anger]? I don't even know what's going on right now.

--

Thank you Armadillo and Hope. I'll give you a better reply later, when I'm in a better place to do so. :)

Armadillo, they forced me to switch in jr. kindergarten when I was 3-4 years old. They wouldn't let me write with my left hand, then said I may be developmentally delayed because I couldn't draw my letters very well... with my right hand.

Excuse me, but what the actual *?! I'd LOVE to see them try to draw letters well with their non-dominant hand at 4 years old.

A year later I was reading upside down, in French... I'm sure I can learn fine.

I can't believe this. How... literally, how does this kind of thing happen in society today? I'm so angry right now. Actually, not nearly as angry as I have been in the past. I think this is what healthy anger is like? It's my first time. I guess I'm further behind than some of you in this aspect, but that's alright. I'm getting there!

I literally can't understand this right now. Years of mental anguish and torture. My entire childhood. ... and like, oh this is fine? Just do your best in society, maybe see a psychiatrist. It'll be okay? No wonder I've never been able to look after myself, when "everyone" has this kind of attitude!

I've always wondered if this counted as "criminal neglect". Now, I'm pretty sure... and if it doesn't, I don't even care. It is.

I don't even have words. I just blocked and deleted "W" from my phone and social media. I suspect I've only kept her around this long, because I felt like I needed anyone, just to survive.

I don't now. I can make it on my own, no matter how difficult it gets.

I've always known she was extremely disillusion, but I didn't realize I was too. I can't believe "this" has been in my life so long. No wonder I could never heal before.





Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 18, 2021, 09:35:20 PM
About a minute after my last post, the album I was playing had ended. It was an album I put on because it was good for working out to. It is extremely loud, powerful, and motivating. It is also an album I listed to daily when I was younger. It is what kept me going. I expect it kept me alive. I'm not surprised it triggered such a reaction in me; I'm glad.

When the album ended, I went to start playing it again. I used to just listen to this for hours on end... but I realized I didn't need to. I wasn't angry any more. I felt what I needed to feel, I took action based on those feelings to improve my life, and now I was ready to carry on with my day.

I had so much energy though, and a lot of hatred still. I put my favourite motivational song on, and went out and just ran. I did about a block and a half (UPDATE: Square block and a half, which is about 6 straight blocks) at a full run. It wasn't quite a sprint, but it was a powerful run, using all of my leg muscles. I had to slow down to take the corners, and weave back and forth between people who were out strolling. Don't worry, I gave them lots of space!

Well, I burned that energy off... and it felt great. Now it's time to cook dinner. :)

I'll be doing this again. At least the running.  :yes:

I still have some thinking, feeling, and processing to do. I'm good enough for now though.  :thumbup:

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 18, 2021, 11:07:15 PM
Yes!!!! This is super healthy anger and yes!!!!! It WAS criminal neglect. Even JUST the part about leaving you to homeschool yourself would have been illegal, J.

Good job with letting the anger come and move through you, good job running the rest off, good job getting to the grocery store!!!! (WHAT???!!! How are you doing all this Jazzy?)

Is W your wife? I wish you all the luck in surrounding yourself with people who will lift you up, not break you down.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 01:18:41 AM
Thank you Armadillo,

Your encouragement means the world to me! Again, I'll get you a better reply soon. I'm processing a lot right now though, and need some time.

Quick answers:

W is "the witch who raised me", though I can call her mother again now that she's been deleted from my life. Wow, it's amazing how quickly things become easier when I take action to deal with them.

--

It's interesting you should mention surrounding myself with people who lift me up, not break me down.

I keep thinking about the neighbour a lot, and after reading that it has been coming up much more. I don't think there's a lot I should do, but I hope and believe that writing about it will help, instead of continuing to keep it to myself.

I'm not sure how "romantic" this evening was supposed to be, but her asking to come over for a backyard fire on the weekend when her kids weren't home sounds like a pretty strong signal to me; especially after telling me about how she has "been divorced for about a year now, so...".

Regardless, on Thursday I asked her if she wanted to come over for a fire on the weekend. It seemed like a pretty safe bet, given she already expressed she wanted to. When she agreed, I asked if she wanted to make dinner of it, which she also agreed to. I asked her if Saturday worked for her, and she said "Yeah, I'll be home."

As I've already mentioned, she was gone from Friday night until Monday morning. On Monday she is home with some guy I've never seen before, and they're having a camp out in their back yard. He's been there more nights than not so far this week.  It's been extremely difficult to hear them (our houses share a driveway, so we're really close) every day, and I haven't wanted to be out in the yard because of it. While we've both been out in the yard a few times, she hasn't spoken a word to me.

It really hurt to be rejected and replaced so quickly like that, but I've done my best to use it as motivation instead of discouragement. I thought I was doing great when I ran in to him at 6:30 in the morning the other day and said "hello" on my way out for a jog.

However after everything that happened today, I realize that she is treating me exactly like my mother. She abandoned and is neglecting me, running after the latest "greatest" thing, instead of investing a bit of time and effort in to building the relationship which already started. It's still not easy, but looking at it like that, I'm glad she too is no longer in my life. I'm also really thankful that it happened so early. It would have been much more painful if more of a relationship, even a friendship, had developed.

It's also good that I can focus on myself fully again. I think I'm "okay" to start a relationship right now, but I'd rather be a lot better than okay. It turns out I still have more to process / deal with than I thought. It's good that I have extra time for that. I think starting something as "more than friends" right now would not be in my best interest, as nice as it may be.

Even though it hurt and it is still challenging, there's a lot of positive in the situation. I've taken a number of notes about red flags to watch out for in the future, as well as making a note about getting to know someone better before even considering something more serious.

I've also made a note of how important it is to take care of myself first, and not change my routines because I want to impress someone. Further, I noted that it is important to look for qualities in a person that I really want.

I was thinking "she's out of my league", because she has more money, looks nicer, works hard, has two good kids, and generally seems to have her life together more than I do, though that last one is quickly changing. However I certainly don't want someone that will drop everyone and run off with the newest person who seems a little better right now, especially without the curtesy of a notification, never mind anything more friendly or personable.

That kind of behaviour is unacceptable to me, and I really need to focus on keeping it out of my life.

Honestly, I don't think it could have gone better. Any sort of relationship with her as she is now either wouldn't last, or would be very damaging. I was hurt, but not too much, and very quickly. I also recovered quickly, and learned a lot in the process.

This may sound very self-centered; I'm certainly not used to saying it, never mind believing it, but it really is her loss.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 02:21:53 AM
Quote from: ArmadilloWHAT???!!! How are you doing all this Jazzy?
This is the million dollar question. I've been thinking on how to answer it well because I think it is extremely important. While everyone is unique, I strongly hope I can provide some assistance to others.

But it just occurred to me that it may be rhetorical. I have a lot of things planned to write out, which I hope will be helpful to others, but I don't want to prioritize a rhetorical question.

All that to say: is this question literal or rhetorical? I think I'm getting better at figuring it out, but text only is difficult. There's no body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. etc.

Either way is fine. It will eventually get an answer, it is just a matter of when. :)

Right now I need to finish the dishes and sleep. I'm tired, but not exhausted; still positive!  :thumbup:

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 19, 2021, 03:19:36 AM
I think you should answer it when and if and how you want to! But I'll share what I was thinking Jazzy and hope it doesn't hit wrong, or offend you or anyone else.

I was really amazed to read that you went into a real grocery store for the first time in 10 years. I am amazed that in one way your symptoms are so debilitating that you haven't been able to go to a real store for that long. And on the other hand...and this is what I meant...that you are somehow able to make so much progress - all on your own, without therapy, without a huge support system - that you can just do that and everything else you are doing. By sheer strength and conviction in yourself and to be such a big support to others while working these miracles for yourself. So I suppose it was a bit of both...rhetorical disbelief but also real curiosity that you possess that within yourself. And you don't need to respond at all, unless you want to, and you get to respond however you want.

And I am very sorry about how hurtful your neighbor's behavior has been over the past week. That says only things about her and not you at all. And I feel a bit of motherly protection toward you I suppose and I am glad that you did not end up involved with someone who would so readily hurt others with her inability to consider how others feel.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Libby183 on June 19, 2021, 07:40:43 AM
Hello again, Jazzy.

We talked a little in the past. Probably near the start of your time on OOTS. I remember how kind and compassionate you were.

Having just discovered and read your story describing everything that has happened to you, I just wanted to say how inspirational it was.

So good that you are still here, achieving so much, and thank you for telling your story.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 08:27:22 AM
Hello, Libby! :)

Welcome to my journal!

How have you been? I fondly remember talking to you a while ago. I was a bit sad when you left, though it is quite alright for you to do so. I have left and come back a few times myself. I've thought of you a number of times.

Thank you so much for your kind words here. I'm not used to being called inspirational... it reminds me of the first year of kindergarten, before most of the mess. That means so much to me. As great as it is to feel better, sleep better, have more energy, etc. it means so much more to be able to inspire others.


The old saying about how there are two kinds of people: one who climbs on top of others to get ahead, and one who pulls everyone else up with them, has always been very powerful to me. It's really important to me to be the latter kind of person. Not only does it feel better, but it has better results. I find that social interaction works like a web or a net; everyone is connected together by one strand.

When I'm feeling down, I weigh on the others I'm connected to. When there's only a few connections it puts a lot of stress on them, and pulls those few people down a lot. When there are more connections, everyone gets pulled down less. The opposite is true too though. When I'm feeling better, I can help pull (or at least hold) all of the other connections up.

But as life goes on, there are always moments of ups and downs. If I cut all my connections when I'm up because "I don't need them" (which to me is stepping on people to get ahead), not only will I not be pulling them up, but I will have no connections to help lift me up when it is my turn to feel down.

--

The point is, you're welcome. It's been good for me too, so I'm happy to do it. Thank you for being here too, and I hope to see you around more, if that is good for you.   :hug: if you would like.

UPDATE: Thank you for saying it is inspirational. That is an example of turning all of those horrible things in to a positive outcome, and that is exactly what I want to come from it. I'm so glad to see it is happening!!!



Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 08:36:11 AM
Something that has been bothering me, and has always bothered me throughout the years is how upsetting being exploited was.

No one seems to comment on it, and I don't know why. Maybe the reality of it doesn't sink in, or maybe it is more common than I think. I don't mean to guilt anyone, I'm just trying to share my feelings. It would be helpful to have this acknowledged.

Being exploited as a child laborer, made possible by being kept out of the school system, really upsets me.

I know this happens in "third world countries" still today, and that is completely unacceptable to me, but I'm shocked it happened to me here in Canada.

It's not like there was no way for anyone to know either. Eventually I went back for those last few years of high school. Surely questions must have been asked about why I was so far behind in my education?!

I guess everyone ignored it and just didn't want to get involved. Just pretend it didn't happen and hope for the best. No one even asked me, though. They just threw me in to the crowd and treated me like everyone else. There's been so much neglect in my life, from so many people.

It reminds me of a quote. I know it from a movie, but I expect it has an older origin, but here it is:
All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing.

Of course it should be "people", not "men"... but I imagine it's an older quote.  :Idunno:

I just checked quickly, and it's from Edmund Burke I don't know who he is THANKS MOM (sarcasm), but he has a number of good quotes listed!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 03:50:05 PM
Okay, I'm going back and doing some better replies now that I have gotten some sleep. :)

Amadillo:

Wow, thank you Armadillo! Anger has never felt "good and pure" to me before, but I see now why you say that. Anger was so powerful and dangerous before. It would consume me in rage. I would get so angry I would visibly shake with tremors from adrenaline overdose. I've built up an incredible amount of willpower, and it took all I had to control that. It only "snapped" once, thankfully it was contained by my father.

Now it's different though. It does feel good to be angry at being treated so horribly, and I can channel that in to productive exercise, using my willpower to help improve the condition of my body instead of using it to stop myself from causing damage and pain.

You're absolutely right about how it is more complicated when religion and mental illness is involved. While I feel bad she is mentally ill, I have been too... and she made me that way. I truly hope she heals, but I can't be the one to help her, at least right now.

It's so wonderful that you've found a big transformation and relief in those realizations.  :cheer: I'm still figuring out what's going on with me on this topic. It hasn't even been a day yet, but it's been great so far!

Thank you for your extremely encouraging reaction to my progress on using my left hand more. That positivity is so helpful!  :hug:

Thank you for sharing about your experience with your mother. It helps me feel encouraged and less lonely in going through this new reality. Thank you for your question of how old I was when they forced me to switch hands. That was the positive trigger I needed to make all the positive changes yesterday.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 03:54:04 PM
Hope:

Hello Hope  :wave:

Welcome to my journal!  :)

Which colour do you prefer for your name? It can be any colour you like!  :thumbup:

Thank you for reading my story. It means so much to me that you invested that time to learn about me. It means even more that it was thought provoking for you. I hope it leads to some healing for you as well.  :hug:

Thank you for your hug and acknowledging what I have been through. Thank you for the smile you put by your name too. I have always liked that, and it encourages me to use more emoticons.  :cheer:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 03:59:35 PM
Armadillo:

Thank you for your positivity and encouragement! I love all the exclamation points!!!  :thumbup:

Thank you for confirming it was criminal. I've never cared much about the law. I have always had a strong sense of right and wrong, based on what I believe and feel instead of what I'm told. So it is powerful to hear that it is bad enough to be considered illegal. The police have never helped me, so it means a lot if they should have.

Thank you for your continued encouragement. I like all the good jobs. I really like how you said it three times, not just one time to cover three things. That may seem like a little thing, but it has a big impact to me.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 04:36:01 PM
Armadillo:

Thank you so much! This is such a wonderful post! (it is quoted at the bottom of this message for clarity)   :)

Yeah. I find that so many people label things because it makes it easier to accept, then don't change it because they have now accepted and labelled it. In this case, my psychiatrist said I had "agoraphobia", and prescribed me sedatives to help try to manage it a bit. It's better than nothing, but not what I needed.... and that response is really not acceptable to me. I believe that if someone is so debilitated that they cannot even leave their house to buy groceries, then a serious intervention is required.

I didn't quite do it all on my own. My brother (my sister's husband) has taken me to a real grocery store 4 or 5 times, and he has been so helpful. He didn't need to, but he chose to act as a father figure to help me along, and I appreciate that so much. I also have you and the others here to encourage and support me. It's not a huge system, no. It would be easier with more. I'm used to doing a lot with a little though, it's all I've known. While that is sad, I'm grateful for the opportunities it provides, and how much I am making of those opportunities.

I'm trying not to brag too much, but I do have a lot of strength, determination, and conviction. I have always had it... it was just difficult to access for a while because I was so mentally unhealthy. For most of my life, no one has seen it. Partly because I've hid, but also because I had to focus so much of it internally. Now that I can focus it externally, I am seeing tremendous healing and growth in my physical body as well. I don't need to measure my body any more, not only because I'm no longer desperate, but also because I can visibly see the improvement.

Thank you so much for your kind message about what has happened with the neighbour this week. Everything you've written is so helpful and encouraging. I appreciate that "motherly protection". I've certainly never had it in a healthy way before.   :hug:

Thank you for making time to share what you were thinking in more detail. It did not hit wrong or offend me at all. It was great!  :thumbup:

--

Quote from: ArmadilloI think you should answer it when and if and how you want to! But I'll share what I was thinking Jazzy and hope it doesn't hit wrong, or offend you or anyone else.

I was really amazed to read that you went into a real grocery store for the first time in 10 years. I am amazed that in one way your symptoms are so debilitating that you haven't been able to go to a real store for that long. And on the other hand...and this is what I meant...that you are somehow able to make so much progress - all on your own, without therapy, without a huge support system - that you can just do that and everything else you are doing. By sheer strength and conviction in yourself and to be such a big support to others while working these miracles for yourself. So I suppose it was a bit of both...rhetorical disbelief but also real curiosity that you possess that within yourself. And you don't need to respond at all, unless you want to, and you get to respond however you want.

And I am very sorry about how hurtful your neighbor's behavior has been over the past week. That says only things about her and not you at all. And I feel a bit of motherly protection toward you I suppose and I am glad that you did not end up involved with someone who would so readily hurt others with her inability to consider how others feel.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 19, 2021, 05:17:28 PM
[TW: Suicide]

Quote from: ArmadilloWHAT???!!! How are you doing all this Jazzy?

This is too important to me not to reply now. While I really appreciate doing so well, it is very important to me to share what I've found helpful in hopes it will help others too.

While I will go in to more detail later, here are some brief points which I find to be crucial, not in order of importance:


Emotional Decisions and Encouragement
A big part of healing for me is to embrace my emotions, instead of shutting them out and using only logic. This has helped me make better decisions which helps me do better at everything.

Examples:

Music
Music is so powerful!!!!

I fully believe that music has kept me from killing myself. The worst times were when I didn't have music in my life, and the best times are when I do. I don't expect that many people will appreciate my particular choice of music, but that's fine. I listen to what makes me feel good, whichever kind of "good" I need at the time.

Recently I've had music playing from about 5am until around 12am. I keep it quiet enough not to disturb others, and wear headphones/ear buds when appropriate. It is too good for me not to have in my life right now.

Little Feelings
My feelings and instincts are so gentle, like little whispers. I'm used to dealing with feelings that have been so crushing and overwhelming that I've needed to put a lot of effort in to learning to recognize those gentle feelings. Part of what I have learned is that little feelings are massively important. It is fairly simple to deal with them when they are little, but if I don't, they won't stay little. Every little thing matters. I stop and take a moment to feel, acknowledge, think and act on those little whispers as often as I can.

Take and Review Notes
Thoughts, even little thoughts, are incredibly important too. So many good ideas are lost because they are pushed aside instead of given the time and attention they deserve. Of course I can't drop everything and give every idea time and attention immediately, so I write them down and review them later. Reviewing them properly lets me make a good decision in order to pursue or discard them.

Pros and Cons
"Pros and Cons" is a really great system! I've always liked it, even though no one ever taught me to use it properly. I figured out that the point isn't to list pros and cons in order to see if a choice has more pros than cons, or which choice has the most pros and least cons. The point is to understand the situation before getting involved in it, and being sure that the specific pros will provide enough positivity to allow me to "handle" the specific cons. It doesn't matter what or how many pros and cons there are, it matters if I can "handle" them.

Self Encouragement
Self encouragement is so massively important!

I started here. Most people have a big support network of encouraging family and friends to help them along. I don't have that, so I had to be my own. I try to be my own cheer leader. After some practice I combine this with the point (mentioned previously) about how little things are so important. Every little positive thing I do gets big encouragement from me. Every spark of inspiration (new idea), every thing I notice I do well, and even when I notice I'm not doing something well, I encourage myself that I noticed and improved it.

Years ago when I worked in the office, my best friend had a habit of saying "Yeah buddy!" when something was agreeable to him. The more he liked it, the longer he would draw out that "Yeah buddy!". I think that is awesome to take a few seconds to appreciate positivity like that. I like it so much that I've decided to adopt it for myself. Recently I've been walking around all day listening/singing to music and saying "YEEEEEAAAAAH BUUUDDY! to myself.

One More Little Step
I wrote about this a bit in my story. When I feel comfortable, I take one more little step. It's great to feel comfortable for a moment, but it feels better to be continuously improving.

Determination and Perseverance
This ties in to the previous point. I've been through so much, we all have. Determination and perseverance has gotten us through to where we are today. After healing so much with helps from the previous points, I now focus that determination and perseverance in to my "one more little step" in order to keep improving. The great thing is that I don't need nearly as much determination and perseverance to continue growing as I did just to survive in the past.

I've been through *, I have more than enough determination and perseverance for "one more little step"  :thumbup:


--

That's all for now, more later! Hopefully this is helpful.  :grouphug:

I know I've written a lot today so far. I'm sorry if anyone feels overwhelmed by it. Please take the time you need to appreciate everything. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 21, 2021, 02:35:05 AM
I had a great day today with my brother (my sister and her husband)!

We had planned to spend some time together today last weekend. Today I got a message from my sister saying they might be late because they were having difficulty with their daughter. I expected them not to come at all, given how it is father's day and there was already daughter trouble.

However they arrived right on time as originally planned. He was clearly hurting a lot though. I asked my sister if he needed a hug or alone time and she said she didn't know, she was just trying to keep him occupied.

I tried to be extra positive despite his totally understandably bad mood, and I was glad to see him slowly starting to feel better. I remember from a while ago I learned that people enjoy talking about things that make them happy. Which seems really obvious, but I only learned recently. Working with this, every once in a while I would ask him a question about cooking, as he's a chef and that is his passion. That worked really well! It helped him feel better, and helped me learn about how to make better meals! :)

At the store I met an extremely positive woman. I've been really positive myself lately, but wow! It seems extra positive is her daily routine. It was so wonderful! After she helped me out, I said thank you, and she said "alright!" There was something about the way she said it though, and I recognized it was like my "Yeah Buddy!". So I repeated it after her with a big smile... "Alright!" :D

Apparently that little thing absolutely made her day, because she was barely 5 steps away from me and started singing while she went back to work, and was visibly happier and warmer with the other people. I even exclaimed to my sister "Wow, she is happy!"

That's great inspiration! I want to be like that more. I'm doing well in the privacy of my own house, but I still need to practice on being more positive around others in public.

When we got back to my place, I made them a nice snack: dessert tea and cherries with homemade chocolate drizzle. Afterwards we went outside to play and get some exercise.

After a while we came back in and talked about cooking more. By this point he was feeling so much better, and happily shared quite a few details to help me out. I was very grateful and took notes while he talked. I'm looking forward to putting his advice in to practice.

He agreed to try a vegetarian cream sauce (almond milk base) I had been struggling with in order to offer some advice. I was quite discouraged with and told him it was bad. However he was confident to try it anyway, and took it right out of my hands. I told him the spoons were to his left, and he turned to his right to start washing his hands.

He explained he was washing his hands because he tastes by dipping his pinky finger in the sauce to taste it. I know this is what you do in a professional scenario, because the metal spoon will influence the taste, but your own finger is so natural to you it has much less of an impact. I felt so incredibly respected by this. Here I was telling him I did a poor job, and he was treating it like it was some artistic piece of work in a professional kitchen!

His review was so positive too! He tested a number of things such as consistency and how much it was cooked, as well as the taste. He said everything is good, but he would have used a bit more of certain flavours. I understood this to mean the rosemary was somewhat overpowering the other flavours, to which he agreed.

I told him it seemed too runny to me and I wasn't happy with it. I was confused why he said the consistency was good when it was obviously wrong to me. Again he said it was fine, and explained how to test it and explained the results saying it was good.

Based on this, I realized my understanding of what a cream sauce is, was wrong. I asked him to confirm and he said yes. Cream sauces like that are not always supposed to be thick and rich, especially not when they are made with almond milk.

While the rosemary is still too strong in the sauce for my liking, I am much happier with it now. I wasn't planning to eat it before, but I will now. I think it is very powerful that the sauce didn't change at all, but my understanding of it did, which is what made such a difference.

I also think it is very powerful how I was able to invest some time and energy in to helping improve his mood, and within only a few hours, he was able to turn around and help improve how I felt about my efforts and work. That's the kind of life I want to live from now on, and I'm encouraged that I succeeded at it today.

This evening I took a nap, as I have been doing recently. While I was napping, the text alert on my phone rang, which woke me right up. I was afraid and upset upon hearing it. ICr and the catastrophic thinking kicked in. I was wondering who it was and what was wrong i.e. who I had upset.

I tried not to rush to check it but to take my time waking up. That didn't last long though because I was scared. I braced myself mentally and checked the phone. It was just the automated notification about my bill this month!

I relaxed and laid back down for a bit. Not long after my text alert went off again. Immediately ICR and catastrophic thinking was back! Now who had I upset?! I checked it quicker this time, and it was my sister thanking me for helping keep my brother occupied today and complimenting my food. I was quite relieved and gave her a good, positive reply.

It immediately hit me how powerful that was though. I had such a good day! I saw so much positivity, I got lots of exercise, I had good social exercises, I was rested and relaxed, but one little sound still triggered me.

My history with negative social interactions must be so much worse than I thought. When I stop and think about it and re-read my story, of course, this makes sense... but it's so easy to not grasp the reality of everything, even though I'm the one that went through it all. It's the mind protecting itself, I think, but it is challenging to work through it all when it doesn't feel real.

I still have a long way to go with in-person (and text) social interaction, but I am making good progress. I think I'm going to go back to the store on my own in a few days and hope to run in to the positive woman again. Having that kind of positivity in my life from another person, if only briefly, is so helpful.

I think part of the reason the text bothered me so much is that the only person who has texted me for years has been M. Even though I blocked her number, I'm sure my emotional and subconscious mind still have a strong association to texting and M; understandably so.

I changed my text alert sound in hopes it will help with the trigger. At least it won't be the exact same sound that meant M was contacting me again. I'm not happy she ruined that sound for me though, as it is one of my favourites on the default list of available sounds. Hopefully I will be able to use it in the future after some time has passed and I heal more. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 21, 2021, 03:50:11 AM
I was just picking around on the guitar a little bit tonight. It's one of things I've meant to write about. How I've struggled so much in the past, but now it is far easier. I'm making so much progress with music for the first time in my life.

It's still rather difficult for me to play, even though tonight I am doing even better than last week. I was making progress, then decided to try a more difficult song... nope, too much.

Then I tried listening to learn a strumming pattern, which is really tough for me. I was really trying to relax and listen and feel the music and how to move my arm correctly, but it was such a struggle.

Suddenly I realized... I'M LEFT HANDED! No wonder it didn't feel correct, even though I was really in tune with the music. I flipped the guitar over, and while it felt very foreign and the shape of the base wasn't right, it felt so much more comfortable to hold and strum and push the strings!

Wow!  :aaauuugh: Amazing what a difference it is! Finally I realize how some people can just pick it up and play. I always that that was incredible, and it is... but it's a bit less incredible when you use your proper hand. :)

I'm not sure if I should look in to getting a left handed guitar or to work with this one. I'll have to think that out.

I'm proud of myself and glad I figured that out. Yeah Buddy! :D
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 21, 2021, 02:01:13 PM
This morning I transplanted my aloe plant which my M had given me a little while ago. I would really like to save it, but it has been getting worse and worse these past few days. I have no idea how to look after a plant like this, but I researched it as best as I could, and I've been taking steps to help.

While a lot of damage has already been done, I'm very hopeful about this transplant! After gently digging it out, I found that the soil at the bottom of the pot was very wet, while the top was dry. I conclude this is why I am supposed to use an open pot instead of a sealed one.

I'm excited to see how it goes. It's nice to feel hopeful about it instead of the doubt I've been feeling recently. :)

Yeah buddy! :D

Here is a before and after picture. The before picture is from quite a while ago, near when I first got the plant and it was doing much better. I haven't taken any pictures of its suffering.

(https://i.postimg.cc/7CZ4yy5b/IMG-0140.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7CZ4yy5b)
(https://i.postimg.cc/QFkN3bSY/IMG-0312.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/QFkN3bSY)
(Click for Bigger Pictures!)

--

It is interesting to me that the original pot says "aloe you vera much", which is nice and all... but it's the wrong pot. That is the opposite of love. I find it even more interesting that my mother picked this out for me. How very telling of our entire relationship.

--


If anyone has any advice on gardening, I would love to hear it. Gardening is the #1 best thing I know of for mental health, so I would love to learn more about it. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 21, 2021, 08:47:48 PM
I had an interesting though today while I was in the shower.

It's possible I wasn't actually born left-handed.

I've briefly mentioned this before, but I have some skeletal problems. I've always been so embarrassed of them. I'm less embarrassed now, but I still do not like it at all.

It's quite noticeable.  My right shoulder hangs down much further than my left, and my right foot sticks out to the side. Some other people do have it worse, as thankfully I can still walk and even run, but it is becoming problematic for doing higher intensity workouts. I've stopped doing sit ups for fear I'm damaging something in my hip area; I can feel there is something really wrong.

I wonder if this is from childbirth, so as a baby I learned to favour my left side because of the problems with my right. Of course I don't have memories from birth, but it would explain why everything feels better/easier with my left side.

Again, it's a really big thing my parents should have at least worked on with me as I was growing up, but they completely ignored it!

What makes me really angry is that my spine is basically a train wreck (double curve and twist), which I inherited from my grandmother. She spent years going to the chiropractor to get everything straightened out. She says her chiropractor used to call her "the snake lady". As you might imagine, she hasn't paid a * dollar to send me to a chiropractor once.


Hopefully I can still fix this at my age, but I'm expecting it will take a lot of time and money which I don't have right now. I'll do my best with posture and positioning throughout the day. I hope building some more muscle will help too.

I've never realized this before, but I'm extremely scrawny. Being malnourished all of my life has a visible effect. How can everyone I've met just ignore it?!  :pissed:

I keep trying to end on a good note, and things keep coming up. I guess that's alright though. I still have lots to process, and everything I do is another step towards healing. :)

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 22, 2021, 02:57:18 AM
I've been working on my posture a lot, considering how twisted and misaligned my body is.

It's been challenging that so much is in such bad shape. It seems like the entire house is wrong. All of the surfaces like tables and counter-tops are by my hands when my arms are down, which makes it easier on my arms, but then I have to look all the way down to see what I'm doing, which is very uncomfortable on my neck.

It's obvious to me that our modern world is set up to overwork everyone with no concern for their long term health. While typing this, I even notice that my keyboard is uncomfortable. My hands are squished too close together, so my arms are pushed inwards instead of extending out a straight, natural angle.

This is quite depressing, and weighs heavily on me. Between being more aware and holding my body in positions it is unaccustomed to, I am much more sensitive.

Because I'm more sensitive, I noticed that my neck hurt while eating dinner. As soon as I realized that, I noticed that I am craning my head back when I take a bite of something. I somehow seem to have this physical memory of when I was a baby of always having to reach for food. I had no choice but to push my head back so I could tilt my mouth up.

It is extremely hurtful that I was mistreated since the very beginning. I get that my mom was young and it's likely that no one told her any better. But how did she never notice for my entire life?! How is it that just one time she never stopped to look and see what I was doing, then try it herself and notice it was uncomfortable and unnatural.

I had to hurt myself to reach for food as a baby. No wonder why I have a lifelong difficulty of eating enough. That's really deep. It's not like a normal hurt, it's like a soul crushing defeat. I had to hurt myself to reach for food as a baby. That's killing me emotionally. I can't even listen to uplifting music right now.

I feel a bit of anger, and I'm going to embrace that. I'd much rather feel angry than defeated.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on June 22, 2021, 03:05:08 PM
Oh Jazzy, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that at such a tender age. At first, I wasn't sure what you meant, then I realized I've seen a lot of parents feed babies like that, coming in from their height and angle with the spoon like reaching down to a baby bird instead of meeting the kid on their level. I you were right when you said no one taught her different. I didn't realize how common it was. And you have every right to be angry.

As for the keyboards (unless you're on a laptop), have you tried an ergonomic keyboard, the ones that are slightly mounded and split in the middle? I use one and have for years. A straight rectangular keyboard is so painfully uncomfortable now. I have a laptop, but I tend to draw on it more than type, as I can't type on that little keyboard for more than a few minutes. I totally get where you're coming from with that one.
:gentle hugs if you want them:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 22, 2021, 07:11:14 PM
Hi Jazzy I'm so sorry for all the neglect and malnourishment and physical abuse and neglect and the word you used a few days ago...what was it? Exploitation? You have such a right to your anger and sadness. I feel a little bad that I have been quiet lately and I wanted to apologize to you for that since you've shared a lot of thoughts recently. I hope I'll be up for reading and posting more in a few days. But I do want to end on a positive note that you are very aware of yourself, of when things are not right, and what works and doesn't work to get yourself on the right path for you. Keep at it. You've got this.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 24, 2021, 02:30:01 AM
Thank you so much CactusFlower and Armadillo! Your replies mean so much to me right now.  :hug:

--

That's a great idea CactusFlower, thank you. I've added an ergonomic keyboard to my shopping list. I have a vertical mouse which has really helped, so I hope a proper keyboard will be good as well.  :hug: is great right now! :)

--

It's okay Armadillo, we all need quiet time. Yes, the word is exploitation. It's so much worse considering the physical problems I have on top of everything else. Thank you for your consideration, positivity, and encouragement.





Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 24, 2021, 02:31:35 AM
Hi Jazzy,

I haven't fully caught up yet on reflecting on your posts especially the really important one about how you are actually doing all this progress. But I wanted to say I love that you tried playing the guitar left-handed! It'd be fun to find a left handed guitar in a music store to give a try. But way to go on picking around on the guitar! Music is amazing. I think it actually saved my life.

And I also want to say I love the "yeah buddy!" And how you described your friend drawing it out longer for bigger things. So cool and fun and encouraging!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 24, 2021, 02:38:56 AM

The last couple of days have been so challenging.

After processing my problems eating, I set about to fixing them. That's going much better now, which has freed me up to tune in to other parts of my body.

I quickly realized that everything hurts! I had no idea how bad this was. It's not just my posture, it is my entire spine. As far as I can tell, my spine is curved in 6 different directions. The 4 cardinal directions, plus two rotations.

It takes a couple of minutes for me just to figure out what "straight" is. It hurts to hold things straight even for a minute. Everything hurts and everything is so challenging.

I'm afraid to do the more strenuous activities I have started recently, for fear of damaging myself further.

My entire life, I have done everything wrong in regards to my body. Standing, sitting, lying down, all are done incorrectly causing more damage. Things that build on this such as walking, relaxing (TV/computer), and sleeping make the problem worse.

On top of all of that, there is the matter of interacting with everything else in the world. Looking around, reaching for objects, eating, typing, using tools, all of it more and more damaging.

It feels like it will take forever to fix this.


It's a good thing I know how to handle pain. I'm grateful I have orange hair (we tend to have higher pain tolerance)!

On the plus side, I'm seeing big benefits already. My right shoulder is up about an inch and a half higher than it has been for many years. It's only a few centimetres lower than my left shoulder now, instead of almost 2 inches.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 24, 2021, 02:40:59 AM
Thank you so much Armadillo! I need all the positivity and encouragement I can get right now. I really appreciate your message.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 24, 2021, 03:03:13 AM
Geez it breaks my heart that no one got you medical care for your spine and that you can't yet get medical help for it yourself. That sounds really painful.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 24, 2021, 03:16:18 AM
I love that "yet" so much!  ;D

Thank you!  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 24, 2021, 03:35:21 AM
The "yet" is very important. You deserve to get medical attention for that. I have to say I may have had a little fantasy that the W passes on soon and you inherit a bit from a house or something that you could put toward getting physical therapy and whatever other treatments you need.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 24, 2021, 05:53:08 PM
Yes, the "yet" is key! Thank you for expressing that I deserve professional assistance. That helps me feel valued.

Honestly I have had similar thoughts. However I expect she will be around for some time still. I also don't expect to get anything from her because of who/how she is, especially since I have cut her out of my life at this point and don't expect that to change.

However I have more hope for a small inheritance from her parents. They aren't so selfish and of course are older. I remember one time my grandmother mentioned I was in her will, which pleasantly surprised me. I don't know how that will turn out, but anything would help. :)

Furthermore there is a bit of hope because I live in Canada where we have "free" health care. Of course it is more complicated than that, but if I can make a good case I may be able to get some physical therapy or other help with no cost to me. I have already booked an appointment to talk to my GP next week.

Even if none of that pans out, I still feel hopeful. Not only am I sure I will be able to start making more money of my own "soon", there is the fact of how much experience I have figuring things out for myself.

Surely I can figure out how to improve my skeletal alignment, considering I work with artificial intelligence. They're not the same, but I can't imagine it to be more complex, with all due respect to chiropractors and other specialists.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 24, 2021, 06:05:23 PM

Wow, these past few days have been quite a ride!  :aaauuugh:

I'm feeling quite a bit better now. I'm not back to where I was, and I don't expect to be for some time. I'm alright with that though. I am good enough, in some ways even better. I have more work to do now, which will take more time and effort. However now that I know what I have to do, I will eventually be much healthier than I would have been without this realization.

I also learned a very important lesson throughout all of this!

Everything seemed so extreme and catastrophic. I previously said:

Quote from: JazzyIt feels like it will take forever to fix this.

This is the kind of thinking I have had all of my life. The kind where every little thing feels like it is critical with extreme permanent consequences. That isn't true though.

Over the past few days, what I consider to be the most important thing when working through these kind of changes kept coming to mind. One small step at a time, with lots of encouragement.

Attempting to straighten 6 curves simultaneously is certainly not one small step at a time! So I decided to work on one at a time, which is much easier. Immediately I felt better and began singing to the song that was playing.

At this point, I realized I had been overwhelmed  :fallingbricks:, which is what causes that sort of extreme thinking. As I just experienced, reducing the immediate burden stops that extreme thinking and clears up the mind to be it's best.

Now I know exactly what to do in the future if these kind of thoughts/feelings come up again. Reduce the amount of workload I have, no matter what. That is far too much to handle.

What is even better is that since I am no longer feeling overwhelmed and my mind is working better, I find I can work on straightening 2 and sometimes 3 different curves at once.

I would love to run my own company one day. This is great knowledge to have for that. By keeping the workload of my future employees from becoming too much, they will be able to accomplish more.

Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 25, 2021, 03:06:01 AM
I was just laying on the floor to brush the cats, as kneeling is too much for me right now. My back hurts so much I could barely get up. It took a few minutes before I was able to pull myself up.

I'm very proud and happy about this though. Many of those nerves were declared "dead", but now they are coming back to life! It is a good, healing pain.

There is a particular spot under my right shoulder blade which has been bothering me recently, because I've felt it going from "mostly numb" to "completely numb" quite a few times over the past month or so.

It was one of the spots that was hurting the worst tonight, which is so much better than numb. :)

I've really had to tone things down physically, which is challenging mentally, but this is good healing. My sub-conscious mind must have been ready. I'm glad it knows what's going on, because it makes better decisions than I ever could logically.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 25, 2021, 05:47:26 AM
I love that you found a way to break down the process of working on your spine and pain and numbness so it feels a bit more manageable. And I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that the Canadian Healthcare System comes through for you on this. You deserve treatment and relief. It's really exciting and encouraging that you are starting to feel things where it once was numb. I wish it were not so painful though.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 25, 2021, 02:31:24 PM
Armadillo:

Thank you for your continued support. :)

You're right, I do deserve proper treatment. That is still difficult for me to truly believe, so I appreciate the reminder.

Thank you for wishing it was not so painful, I appreciate that. I believe the reason you wish that is because you don't want me to suffer.

However I am not suffering. I have suffered from pain my entire life, because that pain was due to damage being caused, while there was no hope of healing. This is healing pain where damage is being reversed, so I happy to feel it.

Not only does it feel good to heal (I know pain feeling good is a strange concept, but it's true!), but I believe it is important for my physical mind to gain experience with healing pain, instead of all of the experience being with damaging pain.

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 25, 2021, 04:56:36 PM
That makes sense, 100% Jazzy

I forgot to ask you YOUR favorite color for your name . 😳 And I have to admit the visual parts of my brain don't work well so it's hard for me to imagine how you can connect our name and colors and remember them. But it really shows how thoughtful you are. Thank you for using turquoise for me.

Is it ok for me to wish then that the good pain transforms soon into just straight feeling GOOD? You're right that the pain is positive. But also, pain is uncomfortable, too, and I wish for you to feel not numb, not pain, but good.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 25, 2021, 08:48:05 PM
Thank you so much Armadillo, I really appreciate that. :)

I'm not sure what my favourite colour is. I like all of the base colours, more so green and purple than the reds and oranges. However I find the tone (shade?) to be more important to me. I'm not too sure about all of the artistic terms, as I was never taught them.

So I will take inspiration from my avatar. I must like the colours a lot since I chose it to represent myself. I see they are primarily gold. So let's try "Heart Gold", colour code #736f13.

I'm sorry to hear that the visual parts of your mind are not working as well as you would like yet. From what I read in your journal, your mind is very busy dealing with many other things. I'm sure the visual and other parts of your mind will improve when you find some peace and quiet for them to learn. :)

I would love to be able to memorize all of the colour codes so easily, but I have my own struggles still. So for now, I have made notes in a text document on my PC. It only takes a few extra seconds to copy and paste from the document to the website here. It also gives me the opportunity to re-read it each time, building that association in to memory.

Your note says:
Armadillo: #40E0D0 : Medium Turquoise

You're welcome for using Turquoise. :) There are a number of shades of Turqoise, so I  picked Medium. If there is another one you would prefer, please just let me know.

That is a great wish, thank you! The transformation you mention is already happening, and will be complete when I finish healing.  :thumbup:

I will feel good without pain or numbness in the not so distant future, but first I have 35 years of damage to heal from. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 25, 2021, 08:56:29 PM
I just got back from a walk where I kept my lower spine correctly rotated for most of it. The walk was shorter and slower than normal, but that's fine. I'd rather do it properly than not, even if it takes a bit longer.

I've been putting a lot of work in to improving my spine and related problems. I am happy to be seeing good results already. For example, I have now straightened up enough to be able to sleep on my back. I have wanted to sleep on my back for my entire life, but I have never been able to do so.

Most of the time I have been curled up on my side. I'm not sure if it was quite "the fetal position", but it was close. I expect that was from the nightmares every night of my childhood. I wonder if it goes back further as well, like the eating problems.

I think this will help a lot. Instead of being curled up and twisted for hours every night, I am now much straighter. I suspect that may help more than what I do throughout the day.

I am struggling to acknowledge and appreciate the time and effort I am putting in to this though. I'm sure most of the reason is because my parents completely neglected it. My grandfather did notice my posture has never been good from time to time when I was a child, but he angrily barked at me to "keep your chin up", instead of helping fix the underlying problems.

Of course I did what I was told, as difficult as it was. Unfortunately this only made it worse because my chin already was up, the problem was in my spine. Now on top of everything else, I need to learn to keep my neck straight, which means holding my lower neck up and my chin down compared to how I normally do.

This is frustrating but I'm glad to see the positive results already, and I'm proud that I am still working through it despite how challenging it is.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 25, 2021, 09:13:15 PM
Jazzy, I appreciate the effort it takes to adjust how our bodies are positioned.  It does take time and patience.  I am glad you are noticing differences.  I think the most importance thing is your awareness of what feels most right for your body which you are discovering. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 25, 2021, 10:50:39 PM
Thank you so much for your appreciation and positivity RainyDiary!

I agree, it is extremely important to be aware of what feels right for me. I'm hesitant to work with a chiropractor or physical therapist, because I'm afraid they will go too quickly and snap things back in to place.

I'm sure that's fine for a lot of people, but it doesn't feel right for me. I would still like a professional opinion though, so I am going ahead with my Dr. appointment.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 25, 2021, 10:50:49 PM

I don't know the proper terms, but I believe my right arm has been hyper-extended for many years, and perhaps my shoulder has not been in it's socket correctly?

I'm not sure how, but I have been reaching so incredibly far and that part of my body has a very strange alignment. Once I noticed, I was immediately concerned about how unnatural and unhealthy it is. I could have severely hurt myself trying to lift too much weight like that. I don't know how I haven't already. It's a good thing I'm so weak for now.

I'm making it a point not to extend so much, which is so much more comfortable. Not stretching so far out of position is really helping to align things as well. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 25, 2021, 10:55:21 PM
I just woke up from a nap and am feeling so much better now! I was hesitant to take this nap, considering I slept about 10 hours last night, but clearly I needed more rest, so I'm glad I did.

This is a massive difference from the days before I realized my skeletal system was so misaligned. I was sleeping about 5 hours per night, while working out 2-3 times per day. Sometimes I would take a nap if needed, which seemed fine as 5 hours is a bit short, I believe.

I must be doing so much more work by "just" trying to improve my alignment/posture. Sleeping for literally double the amount of time is a huge change.

My grandfather would say something like I'm "wasting all day playing video games". While I have been spending a lot of time playing video games, I am holding my posture better, which is painful and exhausting.

From what my body is telling me, my grandfather and anyone who shares his opinion, is quite ignorant, so I should not pay them any heed. I feel very encouraged by this, and I believe it will make it easier to continue on.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 26, 2021, 01:51:09 PM
A few days ago when I was feeling very down, I went shopping at the grocery store. I needed all of the encouragement I could get so I just kept doing things to help me feel better about myself.

While I was at the store, I saw a woman about my own age who really caught my attention. I noticed she had a lot of experience on her face; she seemed stressed. I didn't fully understand this at the time, so I continued on with my shopping.

A while later we crossed paths again, as she walked in front of me while I was looking at something on the shelf. On her way by she mumbled "sorry sir", with her head low. This really confused me, because I am not much older than her, probably not any older at all. On top of this, almost no one calls me sir.

After a moment of reflection, I decided that the reason which she called me sir is because she noticed the effort I was putting in to improving my posture, which felt very encouraging. However my sub-conscious mind knew better, and didn't let it go.

On my walk home I realized that it (mentally) wasn't a grown woman in the grocery store who had mumbled "sorry sir", it was likely a young girl who had a child hood of never living up to her father's strict, and likely wrong, expectations.

I feel very badly that I let her pass while being triggered by seeing me without saying something helpful. I understand that I have my own things to deal with, which prevented me from acting in a timely manner, but it is still difficult to accept that. Days later, I am still thinking about it quite often.

I hope that soon I will be doing well enough that I can recognize this sort of situation immediately and be able to act on it at an appropriate time. Perhaps I will even see the same woman again some day. It would be nice to know she is doing okay.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Not Alone on June 26, 2021, 02:37:16 PM
Jazzy, I appreciate that you regret that you didn't say something to the woman in the grocery store. I would like to affirm and encourage your attunement to her and others. Not everyone is aware of others or even cares.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 26, 2021, 03:05:02 PM
Thank you Notalone! Your words mean so much to me.

That compassion and empathy for others is so important. It is very helpful that you express positive feedback towards my attempts to foster and grow it in my life.  ;D
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 26, 2021, 03:09:13 PM
I ran in to the neighbour again today when I was coming home from another walk. Thankfully the walk was easier today than it was yesterday.

Yesterday I felt like she was avoiding me, today I am sure. She was out working on her front porch, and as I walked up on to my porch she went inside and closed the door firmly. While this is somewhat selfish of me, I am very happy to see it.

Since she stood me up so rudely, I have been avoiding her, because she hurt me. Along with everything else I've been working on, I've been making it a point to push through the hurt and enjoy being outside, instead of suffering cooped up in the house trying to avoid her.

I am glad I am succeeding, and I am feeling more confident seeing her avoid me. This tells me that she knows she has done wrong. Perhaps not logically, but sub-consciously at least. She is the one who treated me badly, so it is appropriate that she is the one to be avoidant and to suffer the consequences of her own actions!

This really isn't an easy topic, but I'm learning. I'm glad I can still make progress with the stress and physical pain I am under right now.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on June 26, 2021, 03:19:16 PM
Jazzy, it's great that you're choosing your love of the outdoors over this woman's reaction. If she can't deal with it, that's on her. I think there's a lot of us that would probably feel a bit of "Ha! take that!" in a similar situation. Maybe it isn't selfishness so much as pride in your self-confidence? :)

As for the lady in the grocery store, if that's a store you use often, you never know. You might see her again. Strangely, the grocery store we use that isn't the closest one to our place, I've seen my nice landlord in 3 or 4 times now, ha ha. I hope she finds whatever help she needs too. Who knows, maybe you were the universe's way of waking her up to say "gosh, I reacted like that to a total stranger, maybe I should look into this." I know I'm putting a probably overly positive spin on things, but I do like to at least hope for the best. May your walks be pleasant, sunny, and fresh!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 26, 2021, 09:37:54 PM
JAZZY

Let's see...did I do it right?

Yup. Does look like what you want?

Together the turquoise for my name and the gold for yours reminds me of a daisy chain bracelet I just made for my daughter with 2 gold beads followed by a turquoise daisy with a gold bead in the center followed by 2 gold.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 26, 2021, 09:50:19 PM
That's really sweet and thoughtful of you Jazzy to notice the woman at the store and to think about what she might have needed. Especially since being at the store is hard for you.  I often feel the same way as the way she held herself in public, depending on how triggered my shame is. A kind "hi" and smile would probably go a long way. But also might scare her or make her feel more ashamed too. Who knows. 😁  Trauma is interesting. Just go with the heart and then you can feel you did the right thing, no matter how the other takes it.

I 100% agree with you that you do not need to be the one avoiding your neighbor. She should be the one to have to feel uncomfortable for her actions. I'm very proud of you for taking the space you deserve. And I'm happy you got to sleep on your back!!!! That's phenomenal work you are doing. I love it. Healing bodies and brains. It's really rewarding, isn't it?
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 27, 2021, 01:45:27 AM
Thank you Sage!,

I really appreciate your encouragement of me going outside. Despite it being difficult, I am making steady progress, one small step at a time. The last two days I have eaten dinner outside, which is important to me.

I have a lot of feelings of bitterness about how she has treated me, which results in unkind thoughts towards her. This is why I said I was being selfish. I am doing my best to hear and accept those thoughts for a moment, then push past them by singing, which puts other words through my mind.

I am a little proud of myself, perhaps I should be more. You mentioning how a lot of people would feel more of that tells me I still have work to do. That's good. Now that I know this, I can improve it. I have made a note of it. Thank you for sharing that!

--

I do use that grocery store a lot. It is relatively close by, which is important, as I carry my groceries while walking. It is also cheaper than the others, which is good for my tight budget. It makes sense that you go to a grocery store that is good for you, with "good" being more than just "closer". That's self care in action!  :thumbup:

Thank you for your positivity about the woman. I hope you are right, which is certainly possible! I like to hope for the best too, so I'd rather spin things more positively than less! :)

Thank you for the fond wishes about my walks. They are certainly healing for me, which is important right now! I'm sure I will notice more of the pleasant, sunny, and fresh in time!  :yes:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 27, 2021, 01:54:02 AM
That looks beautiful Armadillo, thank you so much for colouring my name the way I like! It means a lot that you have done that in return, especially considering how you've stated that colour connection like that is challenging for you right now. I feel extremely respected by your actions!  :)

The gold and turquoise bracelet sounds beautiful! That's a very interesting connection you've made between the colours we have chosen, and the memory with your daughter. I don't want to get too carried away with armchair psychology, but it makes me feel loved, or at least cared for, which I greatly appreciate!  :hug:

--

Thank you for your compliments and kind words regarding the woman in the store. I'm sorry to hear that you have similar experiences, though I understand that. I am very glad you suggested a kind smile with a "hi". I certainly would have said too much otherwise. Going with the heart is something I'm trying to do more and more these days, but it is such a challenge. I'm sure you can appreciate what I mean by that. Numbers and formulas and technicalities are much more coldly familiar.

--

Thank you for your words about the neighbour. I am working on it! Sleeping on my back has been so helpful. No longer over-extending my arm (shoulder) has been extremely good too. The last few days have been incredibly painful and exhausting, but it is certainly paying off already! All of your encouragement is very helpful with that, so thank you again!

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 27, 2021, 02:02:26 AM
I've been wanting to post a picture of my hair since I cut it, because that is very important to me. However it is challenging for me to post a picture of myself online. It's more challenging than I was expecting. Staring myself in the face like this is difficult.

However it is manageable. I find when something is manageable yet challenging, that means that it comes with big rewards. I also realize that a personal picture may be difficult for others, and extremely outside the norm for this website, so I will not put a thumbnail this time.

Click this link if you would like to see me and my hair. (http://aidevelopment.org/niko.jpg) (aidevelopment.org - my private website). If not, that is perfectly understandable. :)

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 27, 2021, 05:29:31 AM
JAZZY

Don't take this the wrong way...I don't mean it in a flirty way....your hair looks great truly and you're a good looking person! It's hard for me to believe you are physically self-conscious seeing your photo. Gosh we are hard on ourselves, ay?

It's really a sign of huge progress in my eyes that you posted first your story with your name and then your photo because I remember reading in your older journals how worried you seemed about too much and people finding you here online. Good job going outside your comfort zone. You're right, when something is hard it's usually the right thing to be pushing on.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 27, 2021, 02:30:49 PM
I understand you're not flirting with me, Armadillo. I also understand and appreciate the importance of clarifying that right now. :)

Thank you for all of your positivity. It is very encouraging and helpful when I "put myself out there, like that".   :thumbup:

You're right, we are hard on ourselves. When I look at my photos, especially ones that show more of my body, I see every imperfection, because that's what I was taught to focus on. I have received a few compliments on my looks before, but I have never believed them. I wonder how much of it is due to what I am focusing on. That is something I will think on further.

Thank you for acknowledging that I am pushing outside my comfort zone. I think that is a big sign of progress, too. Not just that I am pushing, but that I can do it without it taking too much out of me.

Your "ay?" gave me the biggest smile of all. :D

I really like that word and am working to use it more. Like curse words, it is extremely diverse. "Eh" can mean a million things depending on context, tone of voice, and body language.  :yes:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 27, 2021, 02:41:36 PM
I had a thought on my walk about sending a letter to my mother. It deeply disturbs me to cut off all contact with a family member, though that has been best for me up until now. Perhaps it still is, I need to think on it further.

This letter will not be nice, so I doubt it will be received well. Many will consider it an ultimatum or blackmail. I consider it asking for the basic care I should have been given when I was born, so others are free to think what they like of it.

Here is a rough draft containing the ideas I would like to send. I appreciate any feedback.

--
Update:

Recently I have been working on my posture and improving the condition my spine and neck, which is best currently described as "a train-wreck". Every day is filled with physical pain, which is very challenging, but also hopeful.

This physical pain is a constant reminder of how badly my health has been neglected, especially as a child. I should not be suffering like this now, because it should have been fixed when I was a baby.

I cannot maintain a relationship with you while the emotional pain is so raw and powerful, because all I can think of is how I am going through this due to your neglect. As this emotional pain is continuously fuelled by the physical pain, I expect it will be some time before it lessens.

I will write to you again in the future when I am doing better. Please do not contact me until then. If you wish to help speed this process along, I will accept financial assistance for therapy. You do not have to pay for anything if you don't want to. The choice is yours, as it always has been.

While it is taking much longer than I would like, I am working very hard to earn a bit of extra money to pay for the therapy I need by myself. Like when I was teenager, I find almost all of my money going pay for shelter, food, and utilities. I'm not sure how, but I'm confident that I will work this out, no matter how long it takes.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 27, 2021, 07:25:53 PM
I realized something important about anger yesterday, and today I am more confident that I am correct about it.

I realized that anger is the mind's way of providing me with power when I feel like I can't make the changes I need to, such as changes to improve my health and safety. This power not only helps me make these changes, it also helps to ward off hopelessness.

I just finished a low intensity workout. While I wish it was higher-intensity, I am being careful of my joints and alignment problems. Low-intensity is much better than no-intensity. When I finished, I sat down and cried for a couple of minutes. I also felt a bit angry at my neighbor and decided to limit the amount of contact I have with her. All of my life I have wanted to (figuratively) embrace everyone as much as possible, likely because I've been so lonely.

However, I'm sure this is not healthy. I will not be outright rude, perhaps offer a hello when our paths closely cross, but no more. I don't want people who behave that way to be a part of my life. I can't even fix them, they must improve themselves. Hopefully they will find inspiration in me doing my best, from afar.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 27, 2021, 11:12:31 PM
Your plan for your neighbor sounds right on. And anger is important to fuel change.

I think your letter is very direct and kind. I'm not sure how I would handle the financial part. What I'd be afraid of is....how much financial support would make it ok? If she came forward with say $200 and then expected to bebin your life because of that...then what? What if she offered to pay half? Full? What do those different levels of support mean to you? In your shoes I might leave that unstated and perhaps reference how hard you are working to try to afford the therapy you needed as a kid now and that might take awhile, too. You have every right to reference assistance of course if that feels right but I worry about manipulation (M/W manipulating you).
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 28, 2021, 02:12:35 AM
Thank you Armadillo :)

I'm really struggling to see my letter as kind, but I also think you have far more experiencing acting kindly than I do, so I defer to your expertise. Thank you, that is quite encouraging! :)

I understand what you mean about the financial part. I'm not completely at peace with it myself, though perhaps for a bit of a different reason.

I greatly appreciate you looking out for me and worrying about potential manipulation.  :thumbup:

However I do not see it as support, or making things okay. It is far too little, too late. It makes absolutely no difference to me emotionally if she gives me $1 or $1,000,000.

I will attempt to rebuild a relationship with her again when I am in a healthier place to do so, and not before. I am simply providing her with an opportunity to reduce the amount of time that will take, if she would like to do that.

I really like what you said about expressing how much work I am doing. I have updated my letter to include that. Thank you very much for presenting this point.

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 28, 2021, 02:23:58 AM
Armadillo,

I am making a separate post for this because it is so important to me.

I am very relieved and empowered by your reaction to my letter. I did not expect you to take it well, being a mother yourself. I can hardly imagine how it must feel to read a letter like that from one's own child, but I know my mother will not react well at all.

I'm sure she will be in bed for days in a lot of physical pain after reading it. Like many of us, she does not treat her emotions with the respect they require, so her mind takes it out on her physical body.

I think this is an attempt of the mind to force the focus on to itself, by limiting the amount of possible physical activity via pain. However that is an uneducated guess.

Regardless, your positive reaction helps me understand just how unhealthy my mother's reactions are, and that I should not feel guilty for the consequences of them.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!  :hug:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 28, 2021, 02:25:10 AM
Wow, I have an extreme amount of confidence today! I think my decision about the neighbour really helped with that, as have a few other things. People are also reacting positively to my confidence, which fuels it further.

It is a bit concerning though. I need to be very careful because it is so easy to misspeak and hurt someone unintentionally. I haven't had a good role model for confidence, so I'm figuring this all out myself. Last night I misspoke with another neighbour (a much better one!), which I regret. She did wave to me earlier today though, so I hope all is forgiven.

I'm certainly not used to this, and there have been a few times I have reflected on what I have said and done and thought "Wow, did I actually do that? Can I "get away" with doing that?" It seems to be positive for everyone though, so I don't see any reason to be less confident at this point.

I think it has always been there though, hidden under all of the trauma and pain. A few times throughout my life, when I was doing better than normal, people have referred to me as "charismatic" and "a natural leader", which I didn't really believe.

I'm not sure how true these claims are but it's certainly nice to believe.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 28, 2021, 03:44:05 AM
I just had a thought while I was playing guitar which really struck me. I think that everyday things are not supposed to hurt.

This is strange to me, because every day things have always hurt me. They have also always hurt my father. Every time I saw him as a child he was exhausted and in pain, so I thought this is normal.

I'm a little excited about the idea of a life that doesn't hurt. I also understand what a horrible thing it is to be realizing that at 35 years old. I can't truly understand that emotionally right now because I haven't processed it, but I'm sure it's not normal.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: laurels on June 28, 2021, 09:45:59 AM
(Oh hey, same age!) I wanted to congratulate you on that realization. Maybe it's unfortunate that it happened only now, but I'm glad you had it at all. And while it's not something you grew up with, it's definitely something you can try carry forward! There's so much life still! So much life that you can figure out how to make less painful, or maybe even completely painless. That truly is exciting!

I had this realization not that long ago, that others... just naturally have things easier? And it's not because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm trying three times as hard as "normal" people to get half the results they do. And there were emotions around that realization to process, for sure. But I'm finally ready to live my life accordingly. To consider the consequences of that understanding, implement changes in my life. I hope you figure out how to do it too. Go you!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 28, 2021, 02:29:28 PM
Quote from: Jazzy on June 28, 2021, 02:23:58 AM
Armadillo,

I am very relieved and empowered by your reaction to my letter. I did not expect you to take it well, being a mother yourself. I can hardly imagine how it must feel to read a letter like that from one's own child, but I know my mother will not react well at all.

<3 Jazzy

I'm sure it will be quite painful for her to read. But I did not see you making baseless accusations, calling names, or using cruel language that to be fair would be a bit understandable and justified. So by kind I meant that it is constrained and not written with the intention of cruelty. It would absolutely break my heart to get a letter like that from my own children. I can hope things never get to that point. I'm going to guess you've tried to have a relationship and she didn't put in the necessary work and empathy and ownership. With my own mom, when I have tried to discuss things she has done that cause me to suffer, gently and slowly, she has pushed those conversations away. I know in the reverse situation with my own kids I would fly across the f*&^%%# world to talk to them and make things right.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Libby183 on June 28, 2021, 06:45:50 PM
Hi Jazzy.

It was great to see a photo of you, complete with new haircut. Excellent haircut, and just so  nice to put a face to a name.

It's a bit of a coincidence that we have had a similar neighbour issue. I think that we have both handled the rejection by a neighbour exceptionally well. Good on both of us for just carrying on as usual. Not being ashamed or hiding.

Libby.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Not Alone on June 28, 2021, 10:08:26 PM
Quote from: Jazzy on June 28, 2021, 02:25:10 AM
Last night I misspoke with another neighbour (a much better one!), which I regret.

Something my T says, which helps me, "I'm allowed to be human."
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 01:15:33 AM
Hi Laurels  :heythere:

Welcome to my journal!  :hug:

It's nice to have someone here who is the same age. There's nothing wrong with different ages, but the dynamics are a bit different, as are the nature of the relationships that develop.  :)

Thank you for this kind post. I love how it is full of hope and positivity!   :thumbup:

I completely agree with you. I have been trying so much harder at everything, as these things come more easily to others. It's a tragic consequence of being treated so horribly and being taught that I am worthless.   :pissed:

I'm glad to hear that you have made this realization for yourself and have adjusted your life accordingly, that's excellent!  :cheer:

It takes a lot to truly understand something like that and implement changes based upon that understanding. Thank you for your well wishes and encouragement. I have a very long way to go with my physical body, but I am making great progress!  :yes:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 01:22:37 AM
Thank you Armadillo. I appreciate you expanding upon your original thoughts on this topic.

You're right that I am not showing any signs of anger or hostility in the letter. I feel very little, if anything at all, towards her at this point. Not because it's overwhelming, but because I've felt and processed enough, and now I choose to set it aside until I am at a better time to deal with it. I'm very pleased, not only with this choice, but that I've come to a point where I am able to make such a choice.  :thumbup:

I have always put my M first for my entire life, though to be fair, I believe a large part of that is because I needed more help in my life. Things are better now, because I've learned so much more about how to care for myself (isn't that a parent's primary responsibility to teach a child?!), as well as found you and the others here!  :hug:

I'm sorry things are so bad with your own mother as well. I hope you find some peace with that.

Your last sentence scares me a bit, as my mother would fly across the world too... but it would be to make herself feel better, and not actually for me. Logically, I understand this is her unhealthy behaviour and not yours... emotions are a bit more challenging to understand and control though. :)

Thank you for sharing this. It's important for you to express how much you care for your children, and it is important for me to learn that my mother's behaviour is not normal.

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 01:26:44 AM
Hi Libby!

Thank you so much for your encouragement about the photo of myself! It really means a lot to me that you wrote "so nice", when you could have chosen any words.  :hug:

I don't know exactly why, but the word "nice" has a big impact on me. I'm certainly not used to hearing it directed my way.   :Idunno:

I'm sorry to hear that you have similar neighbour issues. I'm glad you are handling it well, too. It helps me feel connected and encouraged! Good on both of us indeed!  :thumbup:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 01:30:05 AM
Thank you Notalone,

That is very helpful. I am human, so I am allowed to make mistakes sometimes. :)

It occurs to me that someone who cannot forgive one mistake likely has their own things to sort out.  :blink:

This actually brings me to a realization about my brother, who has deleted me out of my life recently. I expect it is only temporary, at least I hope so. I feel better about that situation now, thanks to what you posted here. :)

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 01:46:26 AM
[TW:Food]

Today has been a great day!  :cheer:

Between my workout yesterday and my improved mental state, it was enough to get my sleeping back to how I like it, which is about 4.5 hours through the night, then a nap before dinner for an hour or 2. That feels so much better to me than sleeping 6+ hours per night, without a nap.

Being up early, I had lots of time to make a nice breakfast and do all of my morning routine. I went to the grocery store to do some shopping. I asked for help a few times again, and it all went very well.

On the way home I walked passed a school where the teachers were out, so I stopped and talked with them for a few minutes about how they were handling the kids and the plague situation.

I paid close attention to my body during my walk. Instead of just struggling to hold a proper posture, as I have done in the past, I focused on holding my body correctly considering all of the twists, turns, and other rotations. It was much less painful and I did a much better job carrying all the groceries as I walked.

There were a few difficulties later in the day, mostly of a technical nature; such is the life of a computer science engineer. I'm impressed that I didn't get frustrated at all, because I stopped when I needed to. My mind is doing a great job to put the things I'm realizing in to practice.

I did another low-intensity workout in the afternoon. I was very careful of all of my joints, like during my walk. That paid off big time. Even though it was lower intensity than in the past, it was the best workout I've ever done, because it wasn't damaging at all.

I also suspect it is a higher intensity work-out than I realize. My heart rate rose about 30 BPM while working out, as opposed to when I'm resting. I don't know how good that is, but it is much better than the past 5-10 years, where my heart rate was constantly over 100.

With all of this good stuff going on, I decided to try making a new (to me) dinner for myself. This includes making my own flatbread. I've always avoided any sort of bread or baking, likely because it is one of M's favourite thing.

I'm pleased and proud that I tried. It is important to me that she no longer has a negative influence on my life.

Dinner, especially the flatbread, has room for improvement. I'm happy with it for a first attempt though.

I made curry tonight. Everything is from scratch, except the curry powder and the tofu, for now.  :thumbup:

Here's a picture of my accomplishment. I did not eat the entire plate in one sitting. :)

(https://i.postimg.cc/R3bY9FD5/IMG-0353.jpg)
Click for bigger image! (https://postimg.cc/R3bY9FD5)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on June 29, 2021, 01:52:30 AM
Congrats, Jazzy, those good days are so awesome, aren't they? I gotta say, that dinner looks pretty tasty. :) I had a thought as I read about it: What about breads from cultures other than your own, might that help if it wasn't a bread like that person made? Like... ummm. naan, or tortillas, or something? I'm just guessing here. (glancing towards the kitchen and tortilla press I never use...)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 02:40:04 AM
Thank you so much Sage!

Yes, those little flatbreads are my attempt at roti, which is an Indian bread. I didn't consider this at all, but I believe it did help quite a bit to make bread from a different culture! Thank you for pointing this out. That's great thinking!  :thumbup:

Sounds like your sub-conscious mind (body?) wants you to use that tortilla press. Maybe you could give it a try sometime? :)

It's okay if it doesn't turn out so great right away. To be honest, those roti I made are barely edible! Most of it  went to the compost for the bugs to enjoy recycling in to garden soil. That's okay because I learned a lot, and I found a good use for them still!  :yes:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 03:58:54 AM
I just completed the final review of my letter to M before sending it. I am amazed that I completely missed at least 3 words!

Sure, they are small words... but that's how neglect starts, with the things which don't seem so important. Those little things are very important though.

It's very interesting to me how I believed that I was mostly emotionless about this, even saying so earlier. Though I hardly feel anything, it is clearly having a notable impact.

I'm hyper-aware that my writing is not perfect, but I generally do not leave words out entirely.

To be fair, there are a number of other things which have been challenging tonight. It's been a while since I checked my e-mail. I had one waiting for me from my brother, who hasn't spoken to me in a few weeks. It was very detached. There is another one from my ex-wife, which I have not even read yet.

Hopefully all of this is adding up more than I realized. I'll need to be careful tomorrow; I'm off to bed very shortly.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 29, 2021, 04:10:37 AM

<3 Jazzy

That's a lot of emotional content forn1 day...the detached email from your brother, finishing the letter to your mom, and an email from your ex wife. I'll be up for awhile and will check back in a bit to provide a little support if you need it.  :hug:

You're doing great. Keep on moving forward with that confidence and self-kindness. And you are exceptionally kind to others. You deserve the same in return.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 02:32:44 PM
Thank you Armadillo!

I appreciate your confirmation that this is a lot to deal with, and your checking back in a bit means so much to me.

Thank you for your encouragement, kindness, and respect as well. :)

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 02:45:32 PM
Last night was difficult. That seems dishonest to say, because it wasn't very difficult at all compared my nights as a child. It was difficult compared to the past few nights though.

On top of the e-mails, there were a family of raccoons going through the neighbour's garbage at around 1:50 (AM). This worried me because my cat, Tiger was outside, but I wasn't sure where. She is very defensive when threatened, so I was scared for her safety. There wasn't much I could do besides look around the yard though, so I had to fall asleep hoping I would see her again in the morning without any confirmation.

I know Pete Walker says "Our body keeps the score", but I'm amazed at how much. Though I am a bit less amazed thanks to Armadillo's reaction. It took me a couple of hours longer to fall asleep than what has been normal recently. I also slept for nearly double the amount of time I like to.

Update: It's taken me about an hour to realize, but I'm also in much more pain this morning compared to the last few mornings. It makes me sad that I am so accustomed to being in pain. I'm glad I did notice though.

I'm confident I did not rest well, but held my muscles tightly due to stress, even while sleeping. Stress is so powerful and damaging. I  will be more careful. :)

I wonder how much of my spinal problems are due to the trauma and not to birthing difficulties. How tragic that the worst of it was preventable, but happened anyways.

I also noticed this had a big impact on my mood, which influenced my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. In particular I was wearing my house coat a fair bit last night, which I do not usually do (lately).

When I woke up, my computer had crashed which was concerning. I was hoping for a better start to the morning. Thankfully I was able to fix it up in only a few minutes though! Some of the hardware is older and should be replaced, but I'm glad we're still going.  :thumbup:

I'm pleased that my sub-conscious mind realized a slight error I made in a post yesterday (on a different website). I am quite proud of that post. I also doubt anyone noticed the error, but I'm glad to have corrected it. More-so that my mind is able to make that realization despite all of the other things. That tells me I'm handling it well.  :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 29, 2021, 02:57:20 PM
<3 Jazzy

I hope you get better sleep tonight and have less extraneous emotional stuff coming at you. You are very detail oriented so I'm not surprised you could catch an error in a post just by thinking about it! But that is pretty amazing. I apologize for the multiple typos in all my posts here. 😳

But at least my caring comes through despite the typos. So I'll keep on keeping on! 😁

I hope your day improves and you get some good strong properly-aligned exercise in!

ETA: I know what you mean in comparing last night's difficult night to a childhood difficult night. When I'm struggling now it's on a very different level than when I was struggling 3 years ago but didn't have the strength or awareness to even know how deep it was. I think we still get to say we had a bad night or a sad day...we can use normal life as a calibration, we don't have to use the worst moments as a calibration.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 06:03:27 PM
Wow Armadillo, that was a quick response! I noticed it when I came to update my previous post in the middle of breakfast. I really appreciate that, as it makes me feel important and respected.  :hug:

Thanks, I hope I sleep better tonight too. I'm taking small steps to help. :)

I'm impressed with myself that I noticed that error, which means I am somewhat surprised. It's interesting that you are not. This tells me you think very highly of me.  (I wish I had a thinking emoji here, as that's something I am processing.) Hhmm....

Please don't feel the need to apologize for your typos or anything else like that. I believe that of all the places out there, this is a place to focus on emotion and healing over being "correct". I love how your shame didn't stop you though.  :thumbup:

The reason I'm hyper-aware of my writing (typing) is because it has always been so important to my mother. I think proper writing is more important to her than I am. She makes it a point to frequently call herself an author since she has self-published a small book. I wish I had a healthier reason for being aware of my writing skills, but I am happy to work to improve them regardless.

You're absolutely right that we can use normal life as our calibration. I try my best to use my recent experience, i.e. the last few days. So many things come up that I find it difficult to maintain a normal for very long. That's okay, at least for now. :)

Quote from: ArmadilloWhen I'm struggling now it's on a very different level than when I was struggling 3 years ago but didn't have the strength or awareness to even know how deep it was.

This is great self-awareness and excellent progress!  :applause:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 07:37:49 PM
Tiger has been home safe and sound since I woke up. :)

(https://i.postimg.cc/p9YN66kt/IMG-0363.jpg)
Click for bigger picture! (https://postimg.cc/p9YN66kt)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 10:58:06 PM
Thanks for mentioning a workout today Armadillo! I wasn't sure if I was going to do that, but I did thanks to your encouragement. I'm quite happy I did too!

During my workout I noticed that my left shoulder does not click or pop at all, the way my right shoulder does almost constantly. I found a way to hold the weight so I could move it without the popping sound.

While this seems obvious in hindsight, I've just suffered through it for so long that I didn't even realize it was happening. That's pretty extreme considering how much effort I've been putting in to listening to my body recently.

The way I had to hold that weight made me realize that I'm actually crippled. The range of motion in my left shoulder is extremely limited when I don't over extend or pop it.

I always thought that because I had some movement, I was fine. "Just push through it." It's really not fine though. The word "crippled" has a lot of emotional weight, so it will take some time to come to terms with that.

On the plus side, it gives me a lot of ammunition to help make my case for therapy. I'm glad about that and I hope it leads to a lot of healing.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 29, 2021, 11:06:10 PM
What does everyone think about their names printed in both bold and italics?

I know bold can be a bit scary and maybe slightly triggering, but it makes the names much easier for me to read. I'll be doing this from now on, unless it is bothers someone.

While I'm on the subject, I've been using a black highlight to help make the brighter colours easier to read against the white background. However this doesn't seem completely fair. Everyone deserves a glow! :D

--

Rainydiary : #ff8533 : Mango Tango : Rainydiary
Notalone : #FF26DB : Hot Magenta : Notalone
Sage : #9840B8 : Deep Lilac : * DOESN'T LIKE ORANGE * : Sage
Armadillo: #40E0D0 : Medium Turquoise : Armadillo
Libby: #4DFFFF Electric Blue: Libby
Jazzy: #7a7614 : Heart Gold : <3 Jazzy

--

I like my name with the black glow much better, so I'm going to brighten up my gold just a little bit. The new code is #7a7614.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on June 30, 2021, 12:57:42 AM
I think they look cool! maybe it's my monitor or settings, but the forum is a light gray for me, not white. Deep lilac, that's a pretty name for it :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 01:37:25 AM
Great, thanks Sage! I appreciate your positive feedback. :)

Yeah, there are a lot of things that contribute to the colour we see. Off the top of my head I know there are different themes for the forum, as well as different browsers that can be used. As you said, monitor settings and even monitor quality comes in to play as well. The forums even look different to me depending on if I'm in my office or my living room, due to the difference in monitors.

I like the names too. Lilac has always had a good feeling for me.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 01:41:20 AM
Today has been an extremely painful day. My body is still feeling the stress from last night.

As I was laying on the couch taking a break to stretch my spine out, I was thinking about what it would be like to not hurt and not have to pay so much attention to this topic. This made me wonder what the word is for "not hurting all the time."

After thinking about it for a while, I concluded that I truly had no idea. What a life I've lead to not know what that word is, and to never look it up until now. So I did look it up, because I wanted to learn.

I can't find a good word for it at all. The closest I can find is "comfortable", but that is more about being relaxed than it is about being pain free. Of course being pain free is a part of being relaxed, but I was looking to find a word that is directly opposite like "light/dark" and "open/close".

What a word we live in where there is no word for being pain free (or at least it is so difficult to find). I'm just ignoring this for right now, because it's far too much for me to handle. It's evil though. Pure evil.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on June 30, 2021, 02:04:22 AM
Jazzy, I appreciate you bringing up this topic of language.  I find that it is often difficult to find the words to describe our experiences.  I appreciate the dilemma you face - I'm not sure what word would describe living without pain.  For me the words ease and relief come to mind although they both seem somewhat temporary. 
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Not Alone on June 30, 2021, 02:11:53 AM
Jazzy, I love the bold colors.

Thanks for sharing the photo of Tiger. He is beautiful!

I'm really sorry that you are in constant pain. I wish there was more to say, but I really don't have words.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 04:29:17 AM
Thank you Rainydiary and Notalone!

Your words mean more to me than I can express right now. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 05:06:20 AM
I got in trouble tonight! Evidently my confidence and positivity is not helpful for everyone, which I understand.

It reminds me of when I was a teenager. I did whatever the * I thought was best, whenever the * I thought it was best. I learned at far too young of an age that no one was going to look out for my best interests but me, so I needed to do exactly that.

I can't feel about this too much right now, but I suspect this is why i'm still alive and my best friend is not.

Unlike when I was a teenager, I am in a better place now to understand the reasons behind me getting in trouble. It's taken me almost 5 hours tonight to process all of this, but I'm sure I have figured it out at this point. I've realized a number of other things too, which I'm pleased about.

I've tried to express the importance of doing what is best for myself in a more adult way recently. I fear I haven't done well enough at that though.

So to be extra crystal-clear:
Don't do what I do because it is good for me. Listen to yourself and do what is best for you.

There I go telling people what to do again. It's in part because I expect they will take my suggestions as suggestions, and not as commands. I believe that the most important thing is for everyone to make their own decisions.

So you can follow my suggestion, or you can not, or maybe you can somehow do both at the same time, just to spite the laws of classic logic. It's your choice to make and your consequences will follow your decisions.

I suspect some people will not be happy even with this post, but there is only so much I'm willing to change. I think it would be best for them simply not to read my journal if they don't like what I write in it, but I am willing to accept the consequences of my choices.

--

I just took my pulse before bed as I "should be at rest". Interestingly it is about 10 BPM higher than it has been recently. I can't think of any physical reason, because I've been sitting here for the past 5 hours thinking and typing.... ugh that's going to be bad for my pain.

I conclude it is from stress. As I'm starting to think less and feel more, I notice my shoulders are tense and my head is aching. I blame a lot of things on stress right now, but I see no indication that I am incorrect to do so.

Time for bed now, yay! Doctor's appointment tomorrow (later today). Ugh, scary! I'm too tired to guess how things will go tomorrow. I expect it will either be really good or really bad though.

Interesting, that's extremist thinking. Maybe it will just go decently. Enough brain. Thank you for your hard work and good progress. It is time to relax now.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on June 30, 2021, 05:23:33 AM
<3 Jazzy

Sounds like you could possibly use a friendly hug tonight? If so, it's at the bottom.

I think it is sad you got in trouble tonight for being you. I like your philosophy of doing what is best for you, since your underlying value appears to be treating others well while protecting yourself. If it makes you feel better this is essentially what my therapist tries to drill into me over and over...to be kind to Armadillo and do what is best for her, not others.

Your philosophy also reminds me of how my husband operates and he is the most solid, mentally healthy human I know.

I'm sad to hear you are struggling tonight with thoughts about your friend, too, and why this happened to your friend.

:hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 05:36:00 AM
Thank you Armadillo!  :hug:

Each one of your words mean so much to me, especially tonight when I have so few to offer in return.

I want to jump right in bed, but I think that will result in another extra painful night like last night, due to how stressed I am.

I think it will be healthier to stay up for a bit while trying to bring myself to a better mood, even though it is very late already. I can always reschedule my appointment if necessary.

I feel relieved just writing this out. That helps me feel confident in my choice. :)

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Libby183 on June 30, 2021, 07:54:40 AM
Hi Jazzy.

I like my electric blue name with the dark outline. It stands out beautifully on my phone screen, and despite glasses, my eyesight isn't great.

Loved the picture of Tiger. I have my beloved dog. In fact, that's where I got my forum name from. She is very scared of cats, but does well when we visit our friend who has three cats. My dog is a rescue and I suspect that she has had trauma in her life.

So interesting to see your thoughts about the lack of a word for not being in pain. These days I am aware that I am not in physical pain, but I think that is because I am in so much emotional pain. Before, the emotional pain was kept under cover by the physical pain. For all of us here, the body really does keep the score. I hope that things get sorted so that you can get treatment for your skeletal pain. You deserve to be pain free at long last.

I think that you are spot on about the effect of stress. It is all encompassing and completely debilitating. So many layers of stress, often from the start of life, that we don't have the resources to cope with. How can anyone deny the existence of CPTSD? It's so clear in all of our life histories.

Hugs to you, Jazzy. Talking to you is helping me get through my days.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 02:07:42 PM
Thank you so much for your words here, Libby. They are very warm and encouraging to me.

I will reply more in-depth at a later time. :)

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 02:08:50 PM
I'm happy to note that not only did I sleep less last night, I also hurt less this morning, compared to yesterday.

I take this as confirmation of how important it is not to fall asleep while stressed, though I will continue to monitor.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 03:54:55 PM
Wow, very interesting development this morning.

Despite it being humid and slightly sprinkling rain, I decided to go out for a walk to work on my posture. I was especially hesitant because there are other people outside, and I have been hurt by interactions recently, though not here in my journal. :)

On my walk I was very aware of what parents were treating their children, through their actions more so than their words. Likely because of how my parents treated me is so fresh and raw in my mind.

Just outside of the park near my house, I noticed a number of children with a woman. I noted the eldest boy walked ahead of the others, then turned and said "what took you so long?" I wondered who taught him these micro-aggressions, and hoped he learns better in the future.

As I rounded the corner approaching the park, I heard the boy say "hey" rather quietly. He was behind me some distance as well, so I thought he was speaking to one of the other children.

A minute later I heard another "hey" coming from a bit closer. Thanks to my martial arts training, I have developed instincts as to where things are likely to be, based on the last time I saw them, as well as which direction they were moving, how fast they were moving, how pre-occupied or focused they are, etc.

Putting all of this together, I decided the boy was likely talking to me, despite being behind and a bit far away still. I stopped, turned to him, smiled slightly and said "Hey buddy, how are you doing?"

He didn't reply immediately, but the woman called out "HI!" from where she was (perhaps 25 feet away). I briefly looked up long enough to confirm her position, and saw her waving. I waved back while looking at the boy again.

I wasn't paying much attention to the woman, as I was thinking about the boy. His actions are not those of confidence, which is a bit concerning to me. I also expected the woman would be concerned about the boy speaking to a strange man on the street.

Since the boy still had not replied and was hanging back shyly, I turned and continued with my walk. As I was walking away, I heard the woman say "that's our neighbour", though I'm not sure who she was speaking too; likely it was one of the other children she was with.

I heard her call the boy by name, Arthur. This made me feel confident he was not following me, but staying back with the woman at the park.

Feeling better about that I realized that since I'm the woman's neighbour, that means she is my neighbour. Immediately, I realized she is the neighbour who neglected me and stood me up. How very interesting.

Even more interesting to me is that Arthur remembered me, based on seeing me 1 time for less than 5 minutes about 3-4 weeks ago. How powerful the mind of a child is before becoming corrupted.

I also expect that I made a positive impact on him, which he remembered, which led to him reaching out to me with that "hey". Between the details in the previous paragraph and the fact he called out to me twice, despite feeling so little confidence, I conclude that I made a strong impact on him.

While I feel happy and encouraged about that, I wonder how much he is missing a positive impact in his life to remember such a brief one from weeks ago.

I'm not sure how I feel about the woman and her acting kinder today, besides feeling mostly guarded. She's not very important to me right now.

Update: I feel badly for the boys. Based on their actions, as well as their mother previously telling me she has been divorced for about a year, I suspect that they are suffering from the lack of a positive male role model in their lives.

While there is likely some personal bias, I am not confident that their new father figure is a very good one. If he is, wouldn't Arthur be running to him instead of to me?
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 11:12:35 PM
Hi Libby!  :wave:

I'm glad you like the decoration on your name, and that it works well for you on your phone screen. My eyesight isn't great either. I know I need to get some new glasses, but it's not something I can do quite yet. My eyesight is very important to me though, so I must take action soon. I wish you all the best with you  vision as well. :)

Thank you for your positive feedback on the picture of Tiger! That is very encouraging to me. :thumbup:

It's wonderful you have your dog with you. My cats are not registered support animals, but they are very much a strong support to me. It's great that she does well with your friend's cats. It sounds like a good small step forward.   :applause:

I expect that you're right about her having trauma. I'm so glad to hear you rescued her from it, giving her a loving home. Tiger is also a rescue, though unofficially. She was in pretty bad shape with bladder problems and a seriously warped relationship with food, due to her abuse. She still has a ways to go, but she has come so far. I'm very proud of her! <3

It's interesting what you've written about your own experience with pain. If I understand correctly, the focus has flipped from physical to emotional pain. That sounds like good progress to me. It is encouraging to hear that you are more aware of your emotional state. :)

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much though. I truly hope you continue to work things out and find a pain-free life for yourself. While I don't think emotional pain is any easier to resolve, I think it is a positive for you to only be dealing with one type of pain at a time. I don't mean to compare at all, I only hope you can use this to your advantage, and hopefully take some encouragement from it. :thumbup:

Thank you for your well wishes about my treatment, and your empowering declaration that I deserve to be pain free!   :cheer:

Thank you for your words about stress. I appreciate your agreement of my analysis. You make an excellent point about how many layers there are, and how long they have been there. The image that comes to mind is of an onion.   :fallingbricks:

Quote from: Libby183...that we don't have the resources to cope with. How can anyone deny the existence of CPTSD? It's so clear in all of our life histories.

This hits me hard. I feel painful and hopeless reading this. I'm so sorry if you feel the same way. Hopelessness is so deadly!   :spooked:

It is clear, as you have said. Therefore anyone who denies it is wrong. I don't have many resources, but I have my mind, and I have wonderful people like you. While it would be easier with more, these few resources are the only ones I truly need. I hope you find the resources you need as well.  :hug:

Hugs to you too, Libby! I'm so glad to hear that I am a positive influence in your life, especially after the trouble I got in to yesterday. Thank you for saying that, it really helps to ease the pain of yesterday.

Talking with you helps me through my day as well. I'm very glad to have you in my life. :)

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 11:15:23 PM
I just realized a neat thing as I was preparing my tea this evening.

I've been using a chef's knife wrong for my entire life!  :aaauuugh:

I've always held it with the blade perpendicular (sticking out from) my body. This is difficult on my wrist though, because I cannot hold it straight and keep the knife at a straight angle as well.

So I turned the knife to face sideways, and it is so much more comfortable! Now my elbow sticks out a bit, which is fine, allowing my wrist to be held straight. I will be holding the knife this way from now on!

Thanks brain, good job! Yeah buddy! :D
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on June 30, 2021, 11:26:31 PM
My doctor's appointment went well today. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, although I think it went even better.

He hasn't done anything to directly help at this point, but he has ordered a number of tests to be done. While I am impatient, I appreciate this approach to the extreme.

From what I have noticed, my doctor makes it a point to gather information, review and study it, then come to the best conclusion he can, with an action plan. He does not act, and often will not even give advice before he is comfortable with his understanding of the situation.

I'm incredibly impressed by this approach. I have been trying to do something similar in my own life lately, despite it being very difficult. I wonder if I learned it from him without every logically realizing.

He also has a number of self-printed signs up in his office (just text on a sheet of printer paper), which challenge common beliefs with reality. One example that really stood out to me is "When the grease runs out, the squeaky wheel gets replaced."

[TW: Medical?]

No doubt it is referring to joints. When a joint is abused for too many years, the cartilage is worn away, then the bones begin to scrape together. I don't know how this is handled, but according to that sign it is by replacement surgery. This is something I would like to avoid. I am especially concerned about my ankles, as they are in pain many times every day.

Going to the doctor has been extremely challenging for me throughout my entire life; there are many reasons why. One of them is that every time the doctor lets me walk out of their office in the unacceptable condition my body is in.

This feels very hurtful and neglectful to me. Today I began to understand that it is more because I did not engage or seem to treat the topic as very important myself. While it has always been important to me, I was too traumatized to express that.

My doctor reacted very well to me expressing my concerns today, when I did it in a more confident and respectful manner. I am very pleased about that. It was hard for me to accept the fact that I respect my doctor and his methods very much, yet he left me in such an unhealthy state. The realization in the previous paragraph has been very powerful to me.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 01, 2021, 02:08:33 AM
I know I've written a lot already today, which I hope is not overwhelming for anyone, but there is another thing I want to "put down on paper".

Today my sister dropped off a plate of food she prepared for me. It was a baked dish, I believe from Chile. While I can't remember the name (mostly because it isn't English), it is a baked pastry with a meat and cheese filling.

I'm very appreciative that she shared the meal she had prepared with me. It was quite an interesting experience, because I have not eaten meat in about a month.  It tasted good, but I noted the meat was very heavy (dense) in my stomach.

I've been thinking a fair bit about the best way to handle the situation of my sister, and her husband the chef, sharing meat dishes with me. I thought it polite not to refuse them. Furthermore I currently feel no pressure or guilt to eat the food they offer me.

However I remember that vegetarians always used to upset me in the past. I certainly understand the (seemingly common) belief that we are somehow arrogant, rude and (fill in your choice of words here).

Specifically I remember being much more offended by a vegetarian who would eat meat prepared by someone else, as opposed to one who politely refused. Perhaps it has something to do with "sticking to your values" or "remaining true to yourself". On the other hand, given how I feel no notable guilt, I'm not sure that properly applies to me right now.

I'm really not sure the best way to handle this situation. I will put more consideration in to the matter. I will also ask my sister and her husband for their opinion. I would also like to hear your opinion, if you are comfortable sharing it.

I find it very helpful when I can hear the experience and opinions of others. It helps me understand the situation more fully, which empowers me to make good decisions for myself.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on July 01, 2021, 03:41:39 AM
I'm glad your doctor educates themselves and seems willing to do some investigation. it's not often we find one like that compared to the "I know everything and am always right" type. As for the food, I think there's a (at least for me) big difference between vegetarians/vegans who do it because they want to feel healthier or need to for some reason and those who do it so they can feel like they're better than everyone else. I've met both types and you can tell when it's sincere. If you feel better not eating meat, that's good enough. :hugs:

also, most Latin American countries have a similar dish of that kind, often called an empanada. (although there can be sweet empanadas as well) They're the original Hot Pocket, lol. I must admit, I have a weakness for the pumpkin ones, it's like a handheld pumpkin pie. :) I don't know if you could find them anywhere around you, but there are recipes for other "dough/meat" things that can be made using veggies instead. Pupusas, arepas, empanadas, pierogies/piroshki... most cultures have something like that. My favorite piroshki are potato and cheese ones. oh goodness. sorry, I love sharing about food. :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on July 01, 2021, 05:37:41 AM
Yeah buddy indeed!!!!! Love all the body discoveries you are making!

I hear all the conflicting feelings about the doctor but overall it sounds like you are happy with his approach right now and I'm so glad you are pursuing this. Just make sure to stay confident and strong once all the tests are complete to make sure no one let's you walk out without proper treatment being approved.

Hmmm. With the vegetarian stuff? I think it is perfectly ok to tell your sis and brother in law that you love their cooking and so appreciate that they have shared with you but that you didn't want to tell them this and be ungrateful but you aren't eating meat right now and you would love to keep receiving food from them because it makes you feel cared for and tastes  good but that you're not able to eat meat right now. Perfectly ok.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 01, 2021, 05:02:01 PM
Thank you for reading all of that Sage! :)

Yes, the type of doctor you mention is the one I had before. He did not help me much, so I quite disliked him. I'm very relieved to have found a better matching doctor for me. I hope you have, or can find, a good one as well! :thumbup:

You make a very good point about why a person chooses a lifestyle like vegetarian/veganism. I would like to get to the veganism stage at some point, but for now I'm working on vegetarianism; one small step at a time. :)

Quote from: CactusFlowerI've met both types and you can tell when it's sincere. If you feel better not eating meat, that's good enough. :hugs:

Thank you for saying this. This encourages me that others will be able to tell my intent as well. I'm very glad you spoke up confidently about your experience.  :hug:

You are correct; empanada is the word my sister uses. I've never liked pumpkin before, but I'm curious if I will now after so many changes in my life.

Thank you for sharing the names of similar dishes. I have made a note of all of them, so that I will look in to it more and try some of them out! Potato and cheese piroshki looks and sounds very tasty!  :yes:

I like sharing about food, too! Please don't feel the need to apologize on my behalf. I appreciate the connection with you. :)

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 01, 2021, 05:07:08 PM
Thank you for reading all of that Armadillo! :)

I appreciate your words and your encouragement. You're right, it is challenging to stay confident to get what I really need. I have noticed myself easing off already. I have made a much stronger note for myself to ensure I end up receiving the therapy I need. Thank you again for saying this. :hug:

Your suggestion of what to tell my brother and sister of what to say sounds very open and honest, which I appreciate. It is still challenging for me to do that, but I think it is a very good approach.  I'm not sure the exact words I will use, but I will certainly incorporate these concepts more fully. :thumbup:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 01, 2021, 05:16:20 PM
Regarding the topic of eating meat:

My brother is vocally encouraging about my diet, pointing out vegetarian and vegan ingredients. While I have not thanked him yet, which is mostly because he mostly points out vegan options, which is too big of a step for me right now, I do appreciate it.

I realized today that my sister is supportive as well, though more gently. She gave me 2 meat and 1 cheese empanadas. I would be shocked if she had made any meat-free pastries without knowing I have been working on eliminating meat from my diet. I will thank her for that as well.

I also realized that while it is good of me to be sensitive of my sibling's feelings on the matter, it should not be so important to dictate my lifestyle choices. I have been assuming that most people feel as badly about the topic as I do.

When I said that I was "much more offended" in my previous post, I was being literal. I was offended, and deeply upset by this behaviour. I expect those feelings go much deeper than I realized. It's likely due to how badly my nutrition has been neglected in the past.

Upon further reflection, helped along by everyone's feedback, I don't think other's are nearly so emotional about the topic. Perhaps the few who are have their own issues fueling their emotions, like I did.

As Armadillo pointed out in her suggestion, it is important for me to be honest and open.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 01, 2021, 05:26:25 PM
I added a small pendant to my necklace this morning. It is the "tree of life", which I believe to symbolize healing and hope.

I have worn this necklace for well over 5 years with almost no exception. It is the only small part of a personality that survived through my worst, hidden under my shirt. More and more I've been wearing it outside of my shirt.

I think the pendant will help with that, even though I'm not perfectly happy about the way it is attached. I will improve it later. I remember a wise person telling me that it is empathy, not compassion, which makes the world a better place. Perhaps the imperfect pendant attachment expresses that. I may not change it. :)

(https://i.postimg.cc/xcdPKZZZ/IMG-0372.jpg)
Click for larger image! (https://postimg.cc/xcdPKZZZ)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 02, 2021, 12:04:07 AM
Today I've been thinking about the power of making choices for one's self. The turning point in my recovery journey was when I chose to improve. Many other things have helped, but nothing so much as that.

I'm surprised how long it has taken me to come to fully understand this. It reminds me of The Matrix Trilogy. It has always been my favourite movie, since the first time I saw the first movie in the set, before the others were even made.

There is far more philosophy in these movie than I could even begin to touch on right now, but the final fight scene drastically portrays the power of choice, as well as using preferred names.

[TW: Violence, Self-Sacrifice]
Click here for a clip on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX0Do0-5vKs) The relevant part of the clip (to what I'm writing about) ends at 2:15. The clip continues on to show more, which ties in to other themes of the movie, primarily self-sacrifice for the good of others.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on July 02, 2021, 06:48:42 AM
<3 Jazzy

I love the necklace. It makes me think I should dig out mine that is deeply meaningful to my recovery that I used to wear every day. If you feel like sharing I'd love to hear what that necklace meant to you in the past. I like the tree of life symbolically for you because as you grow and your roots strengthen and your spine lengthens your branches reach out further to touch the people around you.

I hope you are feeling a bit better, as the past few days have been a rougher stretch for you. When do you expect to hear from your doctor?

It was interesting what you wrote about the neighbor kids and the rude neighbor. You are very vigilant for the safety of kids.  That's important.

And I think however you handle things with your sister and brother in law... will be perfectly fine! I agree it sounds like this offensiveness runs deep for you and feeding issues in general are already rough for you and full of meaning and triggers. Vegetarianism does have some weird emotional things for me too, from being forced to eat vegetarian as a kid for my stepdad. Some of it was so inedible but we'd have to finish it all or it would be breakfast, lunch, dinner until we finished what had been served or it went moldy. We had some tricks to make our food disappear but then we'd be hungry and eat toothpaste. One night I had the stomach flu and remember being so so so happy because it meant I didn't have to eat dinner. It was so bad to a kid that I would just involuntarily gag the whole time.

Sorry that was too much about me here! But you're not alone, we get it, that this is more than just speaking up for your food preferences. Whatever you are comfortable with. Your sister will understand right?

ETA: I like what you said about choosing to improve being so important. We each have our own motivation and it's important to tap into that and draw strength to keep going from that. For me, i didn't have an internal sense of motivation.  What I had first was terror that I had done or would do something wrong to make my son...__________... and a life or death need to be a good mom.  I needed that level of motivation to face things. Now that I am more healed I can have a motivation that comes from wanting to protect myself, a little, too.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 02, 2021, 11:35:36 AM
I'm happy to be awake by 7:00 AM this morning. It is a couple of hours longer than I would like to sleep optimally, but it is much better than the last couple of days. I am amazed at how many hours, literally hours, being stressed takes off my life. Not only in regards to lowered health, but losing them to sleep.

I'm really missing my best friend. It's not a sharp pain, but it is a very deep one. I wish so strongly that I could share my improvements with her, especially in the things she appreciated. One example is her favourite video game Dark Souls. I started playing it again yesterday. It is notorious for being widely considered the most difficult RPG available. I was never very good at the game before.

I'm much better at it now! It's not that I've gained more skill or dexterity. It is because I am much more in tune with my instincts. Doing well in that game is a matter of reacting, not thinking, which I am much more able to engage in now. I am also far less frustrated. I expect to "die" in the game quite frequently. I try an approach, observe the results, then adjust my approach to be a bit better next time. When I begin to feel frustrated, I exit the game and come back later.

I won't get too detailed with the violence, but the game certainly rewards good positioning and controlling the battlefield (your opponents). Thankfully I know a fair bit about these tactics thanks to my martial arts training. I was very frustrated in the past because I knew these things logically, but I completely failed time and again to apply them in the game. Now I can apply my knowledge with success more often than not. I just wish I could show her... not to brag about myself, but to show that I'm figuring the deep things out, and she could have too.  :'(
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on July 02, 2021, 03:25:14 PM
That necklace is lovely! The tree of life was a symbol of strength and wisdom to the ancient Celts, may it grant you the same. :)

It sounds like the game is a good way to remember your friend. It's fascinating how we can connect with good memories using so many different things these days. (I'm not doing any RPGs currently, but I lost many an hour to Skyrim and Fallout4) My BFF likes driving, so we occasionally do road trips to just see new things that day. (last one was the Billy the Kid museum!) I bought two little Lego figures that kinda resemble us, and we now take pictures on our trips of the little figures in that place as a memento. It's the little things that can mean so much.

Glad you're getting good recommendations about food. At least vegetarianism/veganism is really flexible and substitutions can make it one or the other. I think the best pre-made substance I've ever tried is Quorn. I don't know how, but those are the exact texture of chicken nuggets, LOL. I wish you luck on all the fun new food experimentation and discoveries you'll have!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 02, 2021, 03:53:48 PM
Thank you Armadillo,

It sounds like digging out your own necklace would be a good idea, assuming that is what you would like to do. I’m glad it is deeply meaningful to you, I hope you can find meaning in it again even if it is just in memory.

I’m not really sure what the necklace has meant to me. I haven’t thought about it much. It just feels very important to me to be able to express myself, especially with jewelry.

Thank you, I am feeling better and I’m sure I will continue to improve. I go back to my doctor whenever the tests are done. I need to make some appointments as well as arrange travel details. I don’t know how long it will take; perhaps a couple of weeks.

Thank you for understanding the importance of caring about the children. I believe it’s so important to me because I was not cared for well as a child. It is especially emotional to see the children at the park with their mothers, as mine rarely, if ever, took me to the park. I also missed out on playing with the other children in the playground at school.

Thank you for your encouragement of how I handle things. I’m sorry to hear how you were forced to eat. That is horribly unacceptable! It is hard to think about you eating toothpaste. Your gagging sounds like your body is trying very hard to tell you how it felt. It is terrible that your parents never acknowledged such a clear sign. I’m so sorry you were treated this way.

I understand being hesitant to write this much about yourself in someone else’s journal, but it is not too much for me. This is very important and I’m glad you’re sharing.

Thank you for saying I’m not alone, I appreciate the connection. You are right, it is about much more than preference. I’m sure my sister will understand, so long as I explain it well.

I’m encouraged that you I like what I said about choice. You are right, motivation is important too!

I’m struggling to come up with a good response to your last paragraph about motivation. The idea of being motivated by terror does not sound good to me, but I’m glad you found a positive in it. I’m relieved and happy that you are more healed now and have a healthier motivation. I hope it continues to improve.

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 02, 2021, 04:00:08 PM
Thank you Sage!

I think the game is good to help her remember my friend, as well as some other things for me. I quite enjoy Skyrim as well; I play it off and on still.

It’s great that you and your friend take road trips! The museum sounds fun, and the figures feel very happy. The pictures are great too; the little things really are big things! I’m glad you have that in your life, and I hope I can find something similar for myself.

Me too! I appreciate the flexibility of vegetarianism, which I also find in making my own foods. It really helps me to give my body exactly what it wants, while reducing things I don't want like refined sugar. I haven’t tried Quorn yet, but I will certainly look into it. Thank you for your good wishes and information.

All the best to you!
<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 03, 2021, 03:51:04 AM
I'm very encouraged with my resting heart rate this evening!

Tonight it is at 73 BPM. When I mentioned it the other day it was in the high 80s. Last year it was over 100, which I believe is dangerous.

I'd still like to see it improve, but I am very happy with the progress I've made so far!  Yeah buddy!  ;D
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Armadillo on July 03, 2021, 05:16:12 AM
I just want to send a  :hug: along to you, <3 Jazzy for the deep pain of missing your best friend and wanting her to be here still to see your progress, and maybe be inspired by it, maybe even enough to change what happened. I wish that were possible for you. She'd be happy for you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Libby183 on July 03, 2021, 08:54:41 AM
Hello Jazzy.

Just wanted to say hello after catching up with your journal, after a few days.

I love the way that you are so focused on, and involved with your healing process. Whether it's dealing with your pain and posture, your diet, your cat, your neighbours. I really take a great lesson from your approach, and am managing to put it into practice in my own life. It's definitely working, and I thank you so much for that.

You're inspiring!
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 03, 2021, 01:10:13 PM
Hello Libby!   :wave:

Wow, thank you so much for this kind and encouraging message!  :hug:

Thank you for catching up on my journal as well. I know there is a lot in it, so I appreciate when it is read. :)

I'm glad that you are finding my approach positive and helpful. While it is great that you are taking action to improve your own life based on how I operate, I hope you are choosing to do what is best for yourself. I find this to be very important in my own recovery. :)

Quote from: Libby183You're inspiring!
These two words in particular are very encouraging and impactful to me. They are simple, yet so powerful, as I find many things to be. :thumbup:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 03, 2021, 01:11:27 PM
Thank you for your hugs and words, Armadillo; they mean so much to me!  :hug:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 03, 2021, 07:13:35 PM
It is so difficult to look at myself in the mirror, but at least now I know why.

I am so frail and crippled due to the neglect and abuse throughout my entire life. My forearms especially are tiny for a man of my height.

As challenging as this is, I'm glad I understand it, because now I can change it.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 03, 2021, 10:46:59 PM
Earlier today I was going through some pictures I have taken recently, and this one really stood out to me.  :)

(https://i.postimg.cc/yJRqxQ8d/IMG-0335.jpg)
Click for bigger picture! (https://postimg.cc/yJRqxQ8d)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: rainydiary on July 04, 2021, 01:00:20 AM
I really like that photo.  Thanks for sharing it.
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 05, 2021, 09:50:02 AM
Thank you Rainydiary!

I am quite pleased with the technicalities of the photo. I think I have done well to learn the things my B#2 has taught me about photography.

I am pleased with your response as well. It is notably warmer than my father's.  :hug:

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 05, 2021, 09:55:35 AM
This weekend I wrote a particularly challenging e-mail. I did my best to be firm and clear, yet not rude. That was especially challenging for me given some of the feedback I've received recently.

I did not plan, or even realize this, but the e-mail system I use has a "virtual writing coach" included in the software, when I use it through the web-browser instead of the e-mail client. The writing coach helped me, but only made one drastic change.

At one point I wrote the phrase "in my opinion", which was immediately crossed out. I was shocked! I hovered my mouse cursor over the icon to find out what was so bad about this phrase. The simple explanation said: "empty words".

I felt attacked! My opinion is empty words?! Then I realized that is not what it said. It said the phrase "in my opinion" is empty. I paused to think about that, and now I understand. Everything I say and write is, by default, my opinion. If I believe it is anything more than my opinion, I need to back up that claim with evidence. Stating that my opinion is my opinion, is redundant at best.

I found this to be very powerful and encouraging! I'm pleased with how my confidence has grown. This coaching tells me I am on the right track, and have more growing yet to do! :)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: CactusFlower on July 05, 2021, 09:24:33 PM
Glad you were able to write the email! I agree that the writing coach program seems to have worded that a bit abruptly, but I get what it meant. As a writer, the editing part is always having to pare down things that don't actually contribute to the sentence. But you totally got the redundancy issue! (some people never do in their writing, ha ha) Still, it's pretty cool that you have access to a tool like that. At least it's not Microsoft's paperclip. (oh gods, did I just date myself? :) )
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 05, 2021, 11:27:17 PM
Thank you Sage!

Your reply here is very affirming and encouraging, which I really appreciate! It means a lot to me to have you notice my improvement!

Yes, my writing is very wordy. I'm sure it does not all contribute in the most efficient way. I am learning though. :)

I'm not going to turn this in to a sales pitch, but it is very nice to have access to that tool, among many others. It is extremely affordable as well, which is necessary for me right now. I'm very happy about that and have planned to look closer in to getting the most out of these tools which I pay for.

I chuckled reading about Microsoft's paperclip. I remember those days! I think it is really nice how animated it was. It felt like it was really trying to help. I know a lot of people really don't like it, but I do! I looked it up and his name is Clippy. :)

<3 Jazzy
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 05, 2021, 11:33:22 PM
My new keyboard came in today! I am very pleased with it so far. There is certainly a learning curve. Not only is it a slightly different key lay-out then what I am used to, but I notice a few typing errors on my part. It's interesting that I don't yet type perfectly given the amount of time I've spent at it, both professionally and personally!

It also works well that I now have a dedicated keyboard in the office and the living room. I was using the same keyboard before, as it is the same PC, just connected in to the other room. Yay for wireless technology!  :cheer:

I regret not asking for Sage's advice on which keyboard to buy. I did my best to pick one out on my own, which is what I have done all my life. I'm trying to connect more with people now though, and a big part of that is asking about their experience and knowledge.

So, I'm sorry Sage. If you would like to share about what makes a good keyboard and why, I will certainly note it for my next purchase. :)

Here's the new keyboard:
(https://i.postimg.cc/9rxJKNsS/IMG-0380.jpg)
Click for bigger picture!
(https://postimg.cc/9rxJKNsS)
Title: Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Post by: Jazzy on July 05, 2021, 11:51:42 PM
This journal is continued here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14397.0  :thumbup: