Out of the Storm

I actually started a paper journal a few days ago. My partner and I recently moved to a different country, and as a "we did it!" celebratory gift, I got myself a pretty notebook (and matching pen!) for inner child work and other mental health management. It's even illustrated inside and is just very encouraging to work in. I usually don't last long on these bouts of self-help or self-care, I'm hoping the pretty journal and the forum will keep me on track. Usually I just become overwhelmed, because if I were to do every single thing that's good for me I wouldn't have time to do literally anything else. And how to choose which few things to focus on? And how much is too much vs. how much is not enough?  :fallingbricks:

I'm thinking to primarily work in my physical notebook but update here with breakthroughs, for community support, or with things I simply wouldn't want to lose. I might transcribe everything! Just edited and anonymized for public viewing. Then I can both be as candid as I need privately, and still able to share things publicly.
_____________

Here's my first entry from June 24th:

Trying to figure out why I randomly started crying, when finally having some alone time for the first time in ages. I miss alone time... Anyway, possible factors:

• Had a long conversation with mom on the phone and it was actually good? Seeing as she's currently interested in the same thing I am - our move - I wasn't being cut off or dismissed too much. Maybe I'm even missing her?
• Partner forgot something at home and came back to get it, he was very irritated. All this while I was trying to connect/disconnect/reconnect the call with mom, had me a bit shaken.
• I've gotten an email from a friend in the morning that made me very happy, but I didn't allow myself to reply to it straight away. It's a struggle between being authentic and scaring people off with how desperate/clingy I seem (am?)
• Earlier today I wrote a draft of my intro post to this forum! It had me visiting a very lonely fragile place.
• Partner being out with people has me thinking - do I wish I had people to go out with? Or do I miss him? Or general attention? We haven't done a lot together recently despite constantly being in each other's space. He was withdrawn and resting from his anxiety attacks.
• I actually started crying during a gentle yoga routine for my back pain. So maybe it's connected to the physical release? Or just the concept of treating myself gently? Caring for my pain... That's a big childhood issue, not being believed about my pain. Even my partner isn't always considerate of it - that makes me feel small and rejected. After how difficult it is to admit I'm not ok in the first place...

Leaning towards the "slow and patient treating of pain" explanation. My main love language is acts of service and while you can do a lot to alleviate pain, lots of it is just one-and-done. This was actually spending the time on Doing Something.

Hi laurels,

Treating yourself to a pretty notebook and special pen are great ways to reinforce the sanctity and safety of a journal. It helps to use the best, more cherished things to buoy the spirits along a journey. Congrats on your successful move. May it allow you to grow in unexpectedly good ways.

Crying (out of the blue) is sometimes a clue that there's a lot of emotion buried under the conscious self. It often appears when there is a moment of stillness, not previously allowed. I took a meditation course and cried silent tears for 20 minutes- questioning the cause. I never found it.

All the best on your new home transition and self-care embrace. 

Thanks BeeKeeper,
I wouldn't be surprised if it's as you said - first moment of solitude in ages, and a moment of physical and mental stillness - finally safe to let some things out. I've been under a lot of stress and pressure with the move, basically since April. I've been expecting a Big Breakdown as soon as we're settled here, but so far it hasn't come. Maybe instead it will be these little blips of release.

Jun 25 (tw food, fatshaming)

The issue of not being believed, whether about pain or other sensory issues (ASD related), especially by my mom, has been following me. I'm especially haunted by my school lunches. They were convenient and perfectly fine for her. For me they were inedible - the bread soggy from the wilted vegetables, the butter slightly stinky after hours in the heat of our climate, waiting for the lunch break in my locker. I couldn't make myself eat them. I don't know if I ever brought it up and was ignored, or if I'd already learned by then that it won't make a difference. But I was hungry a lot. It's embarrassing and was humiliating even then, but I'd pick up and eat things like stray chips someone else dropped on the ground. At one point I managed to beg off some money for the canteen, but that was seen by my parents as "extra", so it was only the equivalent of 0.25-0.50EUR per day. So around two times a week I could buy something edible. (Except one of those days was a Friday; good because you could order a baked potato on the short break and pick it up on the long one, bad because that was when choir practice happened so it wasn't exactly the best eating experience, rushing to not make the director mad).

I also immediately reached for snacks after getting home, dinner was a ways away still. Something easy a ten year old could handle - a candy bar, some crackers with cheese. My mom "allowed" it but would always "warn" and berate me about how I'm going to get fat... (I would get fat anyway, just looking at our family genetics).

Anyway, sad about all the above. I deserved accommodation for my autistic sensitivities, especially from my caregivers. I deserved to eat during the day, to have that security.

(This is from one of the great resources already listed in the tools section of this forum - I made a selection of quotes that speak to me)

You don't need permission to exist. You deserve to take up space.
You have the right to acknowledge your feelings without having to justify them.
I refuse to judge myself according to the standards of a society that makes no place for people like me.
I am worth taking care of.
I do not have to prove myself to anyone. I am enough.
Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.

(And one I saw on... I want to say tumblr?)
Just because you can take it doesn't mean you have to.

Jun 26
I did this activity:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HZrDELKXeY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HZrDELKXeY)

(I'm going to split the journaling into a couple of posts, and skip the image)

What makes me happy?
Playing with blocks, talking with someone through the night, grandpa's breakfasts, peace and quiet (which often means solitude), reading

What makes me sad?
When I'm forced to go against my needs and boundaries - made to socialize when I need to withdraw, made to eat things I don't like. I'm sad I'm not listened to and overridden. I'm also sad to not have the "stay up all night talking" relationship with my sister anymore (or anyone else).

What makes me angry?
Also when I'm forced to do something against my will. When people/the environment overloads me and still expects me to be "normal" and participate. I'm mad that people assume so many things about what "normal" is, putting the onus of straightening it all out on me. It's too much work, and sometimes it's easier to just let it go and push through instead.

What do I fear?
That I'm the only one like this, that I'll always have to hide, so that no one finds out I'm "crazy". So they don't reject/abandon/lock me up. That I'll never find people who will get it, get me, without lengthy explanations, because they are the same. That I'll always end up being too much of a nuisance for neurotypicals, even if they originally care about me.

What is hurting me?
As a child - not being in control of the environment/amount of stimuli I'm exposed to. Being treated like an object without a soul or personhood.
As an adult - the fears I still carry, the same ones. The voices of unworthiness, the unrealistic expectations that can't be met by others. The pain of letting go of those ideals.

What is helping me?
Being able to withdraw, whatever the socially acceptable way of doing that is - getting lost in a book (praised for intelligence), long baths/taking my time in the bathroom (not always respected).
Nowadays - having a partner who understands how hard masking is, and makes enough money that I don't have to work. Being in control of my time and environment, my sensory diet. (Sometimes I'm afraid I isolate too much...)

What do I like about myself?
I'm kind and sensitive, people are comfortable sharing their troubles with me. I'm creative, like drawing and editing designs. I don't know if I liked anything about myself as a child. Now I like my curiosity, my open-mindedness. (This is such a difficult question, got me distracted and thinking about why -friend- stopped talking to me)

What do I dislike about myself?
That some things are so difficult for me, where they seem so easy and simple for others. Sometimes I do wish I was normal. I dislike my weak boundaries and lack of assertiveness. I also dislike some things about my body, but I'm trying no to be judgmental about it.

What have I learned?
That I'm autistic and transgender. That people can care and love us and it might not come across in a perceivable way at all. That people will disappoint you, nobody's perfect after all, but some will positively surprise you. Sometimes they'll offer you a glimpse of your reflection back. A lot of the pain is echoes of the past, which are just difficult to shed.

What changes would I make?
I want to be less isolated, which means either finding other neurodiverse people, or being open about who I am with neurotypicals, and learning to stand my ground about my needs, communicating them, without apology or room for discussion.

Advice from my inner child to my current self

• when you find a good social moment - bask in it, live it fully, let it nourish you
• enjoy the peaceful beauty of nature, notice all its colors, patterns, textures
• lose yourself in a book sometimes, experience life's adventures via proxy
• do things with your hands, see your effect on the world - like crafting
• find escape routes and ways to be alone, to avoid a shutdown or the fear of one
• protect your senses without shame - wear sunglasses even if no one else is, wear earplugs. Try to be unapologetic about it, there's nothing to be sorry for - it's a biological need!
• you didn't have anyone else in your corner for so long and you've made it so far! Even if it's sad. Remember how strong you are, love and admire that about yourself

Hi your post about your school lunches made me feel very sad for little you.  :hug:

Thanks Armadillo. It does seem like it would be objectively sad, but I just don't trust myself assessing at least half of my memories. "It wasn't so bad", you know? But I think that only because it's about me, and I'm used to thinking about myself in this way, of not mattering much. Of course if I imagine seeing that happen to someone else, the situation is much clearer. I appreciate the validation.

Hi Laurels  :heythere:

I apologize that I have not read your entire journal yet. Normally I would do that before posting, but it has been some time already so I at least want to say hello. :)

I'm extremely impressed by your positivity and your writing. I like the formatting you use and the way it is laid out. That's impressive on its own, much more so considering everything you are dealing with. Congratulations!  :applause:

I find using people's chosen names to be a very important show of respect, which is critcally important to me. Some of us here, myself included, have changed our legal names, so chosen name is especially important to us.

I also like to decorate names here. I certainly benefit from more respect in my life because I've had so little, and I know many others are in a similar situation. Perhaps you are too.

Would you like me to colour your name? If so, which colour would you like? It can be any colour you want! :)

Gender is a challenging subject for me. I was taught many horrible things about people who do not fit in to the historical binary categories. I reject all of those things absolutely, but it is still not yet easy. I'm sorry I am not yet more comfortable and confident with the matter. I hope you can understand, though I wish you didn't have to.

It is amazing that you embrace who you are and express it in your life, despite how difficult it is at times. I find that to be very motivating! Thank you for your openness and honesty.  :hug:

<3 Jazzy

Laurels' Grove, yeah I get that... not so bad stuff. Its tough. I thought Roxane Gay made the point really poignantly in her book "Not that bad." I'll be happy sad to reflect your story back to you. That what happened wasn't ok and was sad.

Thank you Armadillo, thank you Jazzy. Would you like me to color your name like you do? I'd need some help figuring that out, you can message me privately if you want. Thank you for your offer, my first instinct is "I don't want to be a bother", but since you offered... maybe some sort of lighter blue? Those on the dropdown list don't do it for me but alternatively maroon would be ok.

Don't worry about not being where you want yet with unlearning all the toxic gender stuff - I'm not there either. It's more subtle now, like I notice I still value cisness more, without outright consciously thinking of transness as lesser. It's weird all around. But to look on the positive - we do have respecting chosen names in common! I agree about how it's an important show of respect. Common problem for trans folks. I'm not getting a lot of that respect in particular from my family, but they're getting better. (Surprisingly the people who are best about it are the people I least like - for all sorts of bigotry - go figure).

I haven't read everyone's journals completely yet, but I do want to show my support (where I can without having a broader context). It's probably the polite thing to do, start from the beginning, but I'm worried I won't be able to handle it emotionally. So I'll take it slowly for now. And I understand if others need to as well. I think it would be counter to the point of this forum if we all went and overburdened ourselves emotionally and mentally for the sake of others, even if we do like and care about them.

I'm sorry, my words are really off today. I've had two changes of plans today (not important at all, but really threw me, thanks ASD brain) and I've been foggy since. Took me three times as long to do groceries than usual, couldn't remember where things were, what we had at home. The shopping list was vague with room for improvisation ("snacks", "dinner") and that turned out to be very unhelpful in that state, only draining me more. Not sure how, but I'm going to try and rest now. Maybe I'll transcribe more entries later.

Laurels, I'm glad you are here offering your perspective and experience. 

Laurels,

I also want to offer my support and encouragement. The highly descriptive wilted lettuce and slightly rancid butter did it for me! While the content itself is pitiful, your ability to tell a story with pictures and words everyone can relate to is a real gift. Jazzy commented on the layout and the formatting. That makes a big difference in readability, but I notice that you are doing the work. Being able to articulate these ideas, so soon after a major upheaval in life (your move!) is truly outstanding, Wow! When you go through those times of "grinding gears" taking longer to do stuff, step back, and give yourself some time and space. Nobody hums along at optimal speed everyday.  :hug:

Thank you rainydiary, thank you BeeKeeper. Your encouraging words at the end there really made me tear up. I only hear that kind of assurance from my partner, and for some reason that doesn't seem to "count" in my brain - "of course he'd say that, he kind of has to". My parents didn't call me lazy outright (only "jokingly"), but they were often exasperated about my "not applying myself" - because I can succeed and achieve things "if I wanted to" ie. if I drove myself into the ground and burned out for weeks and months. Nobody sees the amount of effort it all takes on the inside. Thank you, I feel seen by someone kind and understanding. Even my sister once said "I couldn't live like that (like me)." When I asked what she meant, she said "You know, just... not doing anything." I honestly didn't know how to reply, what does she expect me to do then, Not Live? As if this was an effect of me forcing myself to do as little as possible, instead of the opposite.

With the ASD being so disabling in terms of being able to make a living at least, I also feel extra pressure to "pull my weight" in my relationship as well, with my partner giving me so much. We agreed that I'll take care of the household, and since those are my only responsibilities I feel really strongly about staying up to speed with everything almost religiously. Of course it's never anywhere near perfect, cue anxiety. I need to figure out a way out of this mental trap.

This has turned into a proper journal entry, don't worry about replying personally haha!

Laurels,

I can't even imagine how much effort it takes to get through the days. I know how hard it has been for me just with the cPTSD layer...what you wrote about being lazy or not applying yourself....those were things I got from teachers and others and all I can think was exactly what you wrote: do you understand how what you see as not applying myself or living up to my full potential is actually me trying my absolute hardest to keep myself afloat? I'm actually living beyond my full potential is so many ways.

And then you layer on top of that having to navigate society as a transgender person and with ASD? I really can't imagine how hard you must work to deal with society's boxes that weren't made for all of us.

And please, pardon me if I missed it...you mentioned being transgender but didn't see if you had a preferred pronoun? I actually find we don't need to use them much here either way, since we are talking TO each other and not ABOUT each other.  So totally optional.

Oops almost wrote my real name!
- Armadillo (she/her/s)

Hey Armadillo, you didn't miss it, there wasn't a place or reason to provide pronouns so far, but if it helps you I'm a trans man - he/him/his. I'm sorry we share that experience, of being barely afloat and still shamed for not doing enough. I hope you're well on your way to healing from it.

Jun 26
(apart from the activity from earlier there was also a regular entry)

The other day, when I was already randomly crying home alone, I managed to successfully explain to my small self that people do love us, just show us that love in different ways, even if they let down our expectations. Initially I was bracing myself for my partner returning from his outing without a gift, that always gives me a rug-pulled-out-from-under-my-feet feeling, because I always make sure to bring something to say "Hey, I thought of you". I told myself that doesn't mean he's not missing me or not thinking of me. He texts, he takes photos on his adventures to show me later etc. And it didn't hurt when he came back giftless! This is the first time I didn't get sent off onto a spiral of worthlessness on such an occasion. I did try previously, to not get my hopes up, to explain that there's no reason he'd bring something this time, and to just stop waiting for it, but that was even more painful. Somehow, this time, I dug deeper and knew how to reassure myself.

I realized it might be connected to how little I saw my parents as a small child. They were either at work or traveling for work, for what felt like weeks at a time to a kid (not sure how long these trips were in reality). There were no cell phones back then, no emails, and we didn't have money for international calls, so them coming back with a gift was the only proof for me that they spared me any thought when I wasn't there to actively try catching their attention.

As I was explaining all this different love to myself I also got a rush of warm feelings for my mom. Before the move she sponsored my partner and I some talismans. Yes, she doesn't get a lot about me, but it's not that she doesn't care. Like - she might not be great at soothing and emotional support, but she supplemented that with that "inner peace" talisman. Ok, she didn't choose it herself, but it was pricey and she could have argued or suggested which one she thinks would be better. I know this is a bit of a stretch but it felt as if she's trying to fill in the gaps of what she personally can provide. (Even if she's not doing it consciously. Maybe it's more like The Universe is trying to fill in those gaps. I'll take it! Just need to remember not to actually attribute too much to her, not to get my hopes up there).

Quote from: laurels on June 29, 2021, 06:39:08 PM
There were no cell phones back then, no emails, and we didn't have money for international calls, so them coming back with a gift was the only proof for me that they spared me any thought when I wasn't there to actively try catching their attention.

That is a great observation and made me realize something. I haven't really thought about it, but I do that too. I get trinkets and doodads for the people I love when I go somewhere they might have also enjoyed. A way of saying, "I was there, and I thought of you, and wanted you to know I thought of you." I wonder if it's a generational thing that might be gone in a few more decades, then? How fascinating. Now that I think about it, most of my friends my age (51) and older also do that. Heck, I remember when you had to be choosy with photos because you could only afford to develop so much film.

I don't know, Sage, maybe! It could be generational for sure, I'm the generation "between" pre- and post- internet world. Childhood without it, adolescence with it. Most people I know who are my age and higher do that, for sure, but more like - when they go on holiday or visit somewhere special. I don't know if you meant the same thing but for me it's pretty extreme. From my partner, whom I spend a lot of time with (and because of my household duties it's very much like I care for him) I hope/expect it at Every separation. That seems a bit over the top. I wonder if part of unpicking this should be stopping my own "overgifting". But I do love to let the people I love know that I miss them/think of them when they're not there. Hm... Then again they might not even notice to the degree that I do, not everyone has such a strong emotional connection/reaction to this. Need to think about it.

Jun 27

I decided to try the emotional skills exercises, I think they were from Jonice Webb's book. I noticed a big change previously, even just doing one or two. I saw myself as much more of a... real person? I had warm feelings towards myself. But I never got to the end of the (fairly few!) exercises. I'm hoping posting here will help keep me accountable.

Exercise 1 (checking in with your feelings three times a day, allowing them, expressing them, and following up with an action if necessary), day 1.

• Morning - frustrated. Partner was being grumpy which I interpreted as passive-aggression.
• Afternoon - resigned. I want to feel accomplished, I've done a lot today, but the cost was very high, and there are still things to take care of, dinner to make etc. I'll have a rest now.
• Evening - disappointed. That I "didn't have time" for more self-care.

____________

Realizing how much neglecting my ASD in the past has hurt me, I noticed I could be doing more to help myself now. I already don't have to go to school or work, so that's a big weight off my shoulders. Not getting daily social burnout felt like such a win that i assumed everything else I can just cope with. But that's still enacting this neglectful attitude I was taught. I want to at least try, even if just to show myself I'm worth the effort, even if nothing else comes out of it. First order of business - looking into a sensory diet.

From neurodivergentrebel.com:
"A sensory diet is a program of carefully designed sensory activities that people can do during the day to ensure that they are getting the input their bodies need, helping people to keep their sensory systems in check and properly regulated"

What is my sensory profile? My own specific needs?

Things I know make my ASD happy and cooperative:

• showering
• dark and quiet
• bland, soft foods
• weighted blanket
• soft pettings
• twisting things in my fingers
• nature, fresh air
• tidiness, no clutter
• angry/grindy music (if stimulation is needed)
• harmonious colors
• "being" meditation
• swaying/rocking
• soft, fluffy textures
• hot cup of tea
• hand massage
• crafting/otherwise fiddling

I'm not making an official plan yet, to not distract from the exercises, but I'm going to try and implement some of these things more consciously, instead of only in a crisis.

Jun 28.

Exercise 1, Day 2.

• Morning - calm, peaceful. Taking a moment to sit in stillness before the day officially begins, listening to the birds, petting the cat.
• Afternoon - excited. The rain is wonderful for my senses and I discovered the bathroom here gets completely dark - no light for the eyes to adapt to. Amazing sensory potential.
• Evening - slightly guilty. About not working on a group art project I'm involved in. I managed to both rest and do household things without planning much today, but this ting that I'm "supposed to" be doing for fun eludes me right now

(Later comment: I was tempted to still work on it after this assessment just to ease the guilt but I didn't force myself to).
____

Early in the morning I gave myself a kind of overview tarot reading about where I'm at. In short I understood it as a warning against trying all the new things I'm excited about - pulled in so many different directions, and focusing on preparing, clearing ground. I want to skip ahead but it's not time yet. I'm thinking of it as laying ground work for implementing a sensory diet later. Right now I can't impose rules and schedules for myself, I don't consciously know enough about what I need. But my body knows, I have to trust it. Whether it's rest, or going for a walk alone, or sitting in the dark, I have to take that step to actually Act on the knowledge, the longing. I'm letting my body lead today.
____

Letting my body lead today has been nerve-wracking. It's hard to believe that taking care of and supporting myself could result in any work getting done at all. I've been told so many times that I don't try hard enough, that I'm afraid to let go of stressful to do lists and schedules. But nothing bad happened. I've been able to keep up with regular maintenance of self and home.
____

I've had such a pleasant moment - I laid down on the balcony as the sun was getting low and just looked up at the clouds and sky (and visual snow and floaters). Listened to the birds in the nearby park, to the neighbor's classical music (tried to tune out the kids and cars). I just moved my arms and hands in whatever way felt right, ran my fingers through my hair. It was amazing and I realized I hardly ever allow myself something like that. I'm hardly ever not-masking. Once again I addressed the one huge problem (allowed myself to not worry if I suck at eye contact) and forgot that I could be doing so much more for my well-being and happiness. Well, I didn't "forget", it just didn't occur to me to do more than the minimum. It's "just" me, why would I? /s

Remembered I got made fun of for this sort of hand stimming a lot in grades 7 and 8 when we moved back to our home country. Learned not to do it. Felt almost... double shame about it because it was one of those late realizations. "Oh! They were mocking me all along..." and I'd been oblivious.

 :hug:

It takes a lot out of us to mask things. I'm so thankful that it sounds like you are more able now to be as you are?

It sounds like you are doing amazing on self-care and getting stuff done and that you know to move forward you have to go slow.

Hey Armadillo! Yes, masking pain or who we are is very tiring, and often reinforces the unfounded belief that we're somehow wrong (we should be hiding). I was referring specifically to autistic masking, but I can definitely see how that transfers to other things, things that might be more about shame for example.
https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/07/masking-i-am-not-ok/ (https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/07/masking-i-am-not-ok/)

Unfortunately while I intellectually understand a lot about how it's ultimately harmful, I still don't have that inner knowing that would enable me to act on that intellectual knowledge. I get glimpses of that body-knowing when things are going great, I remember how free it can feel, but I haven't crossed that threshold of just being as I am by default. I have a bit of relative freedom from masking because I just... don't go out. I don't do social interactions in the real world. And I'm not sure if that's protecting myself, or hurting myself further. Occasionally I'll try something, like a few years back I joined an LGBTQ choir - I love singing. But having to be around people regularly was too exhausting, and I had to quit a few months in. Maybe building my confidence would help. If I tried not-masking with someone other than my partner and my one autistic friend and saw that it's ok...? Even if someone would stare or say something about me being weird, maybe I could learn to trust that that fear response that happens isn't Actually life-or-death. I might add that to a Project List haha! Right after "finish the emotional exercises" and "figure out a sensory diet". "Try not masking occasionally where other people can see me".

Oh Laurels, I am so grateful you know the work of the Autistic Advocate.  I am taking a course with Kieran right now and I always learn so much from him.  I am NT (I think) but work with many neurodivergent people and need and benefit from checks on my understanding.

I appreciate you reflecting on Autistic masking.  I hope that you find things that work for you and that you find ways to not mask when it feels safe to do so.   

Thanks, rainydiary. I am all for autistic-led self-advocacy. Nothing about us without us! I'm happy people are beginning to listen.

You know what's funny? I actually studied clinical psychology at uni, and nowhere in the depersonalized abstracted medical terms did I recognize myself. I only realized "what the heck is wrong with me" when I found the autistic community online. I really hope more and more professionals will start seeing us as people first, instead of a set of troubling incomprehensible symptoms or almost-non-humans. That's a problem with many disabilities and neurotypes - the medical definition seeks to identify (and later cure) the symptoms that distract and distress "normal" society, instead of seeking to identify and accommodate the problems the person themselves are facing.

Sorry, got a bit intense there. But if you have the chance you can tell Kieran he's making a difference all over the world :) His website was the first place I heard about autistic burnout and that was a term I was sorely missing for my "unexplainable" breakdowns, like clockwork - every 2 - 2.5 years. I regularly pass that article along to people.

Laurels, I appreciate intensity and it is understandable.  I haven't read Kieran's article, just heard him speak.  But I wonder if it is written in a way that would be accessible to high schoolers I work with (I am a speech language pathologist).

It is so hard to change a culture, especially when this horrible way of seeing people is embedded in professions.  My current approach is to give my students space to be themselves and teach them to tell others what they need.  This has been seen as progressive by my colleagues and some of them are actively being unsupportive of me as a result. 

A part of this is that given my experience with CPTSD, I see students I work with being traumatized (hopefully not by me but I acknowledge I am human and have made mistakes).  I want us all to live in and work in and learn in ways that make us all feel included and accepted for all aspects of our identity and being.

I didn't mean to take over your journal, I just appreciate your speaking your experience and want you know that I am out there doing my best to support the people in my world working on similar things. 

And I appreciate your honest efforts to enact change and do good in the world, rainydiary :)

Here is the autistic burnout post - tw for a lot of suicide talk.
https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/05/an-autistic-burnout/

I would have been ok with it as a highschooler, but the subject matter is pretty heavy, so it might need some caution.

Thank you, I'll look at it and see even if there are parts that would be helpful to share. 

I'm sorry, Laurel. I was referring to all the masking...the ones you have had to do related to ASD like the stimming you mentioned, masking gender or sexuality, masking trauma symptoms. But you are right that the masking for ASD seems to be on a whole other level of exhaustion and pain and it would have been better for me to not lump that in as if it were the same.

Don't worry about it, Armadillo, I don't think an apology is needed here (Unless you meant the type of sorry that's not an apology :) Then I accept the sentiment, thank you). I was just clarifying because I realized not everyone will know what I mean, it's not that commonly known. A risk of transcribing my personal journal entries onto a public platform! Sometimes some things need explaining.

Jun 29

Exercise 1, day 3.

• Morning - distressed. I feel panicky about what I should be doing. My back hurts after a 40min trek to the nearest post office and I want to rest. But there's a pop-up recycling park I want to take advantage of. And I was planning to go shopping on my way back, so already strayed from the plan. Feeling immense pressure.
• Afternoon - completely zoned out after all that above. Groceries really drained me. I did some sculpting? As a restful but embodying activity.
• Evening - excited for tomorrow. I'm getting a whole day to myself, I wonder what I'll do. I'll have a call with a friend, that's for sure, already set it up.

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I've had so much pleasure yesterday just from being able to see better. I've stopped wearing my glasses outside during the pandemic, couldn't get them to stop fogging up. Now that we're allowed maskless outside I have to keep reminding myself to bring them along. I've missed nature so much, over a year of details lost - my last year in my homeland. Now I can see the definition in the clouds, the different leaf shapes, the tiny wildflowers. I even saw a fox chasing rabbits. I feel I can truly get the benefits of nature when I can actually see it, my autistic brain is very happy.

Jun 30

Exercise 1, day 4.

• Morning - vaguely resigned. Was looking forward o all sorts of things on my day alone. But the night was bad, got up with back pain and cramps, and it's raining.
• Afternoon - stressed. Partner is coming back from the office soon and I don't know how I'm going to feel about my alone time being over. Will I acutely notice the difference?
• Evening - tiny bit discouraged. Seeing how tired my partner is brings up feelings of guilt for taking this alone day as a day off, instead of making the most use of the no-distractions to progress on bigger/more obtrusive chores.

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I had real trouble last night, couldn't disconnect the train of thought that insisted on replaying the worst periods of my life in reverse-chronological order. I know sleep comes fastest when I do progressive muscle relaxation, or stillness meditation, I just couldn't do it. Couldn't focus, went right back on that hamster wheel after doing one muscle group.
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This small format of my physical notebook is great for this type of journaling. Big pages encourage me to be long-winded and I never read back through those behemoths. Here it's easy to see each entry and it's theme/point. Heartening!

(Added more quotes I found on social media)

The healer also needs healing.
The planner also needs surprises.
The giver also needs to receive.
The thoughtful also needs to be thought of.
The considerate also needs to be considered.

People give what they need.
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I am not asking for anything unreasonable.
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My needs are not too much.
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The right people will enter my life and understand how I am, and will try to work with me.
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My needs are just as important as anyone else's needs.
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I am important enough to take up space.
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It's ok to be vulnerable.

Laurels, I got benefit from reading the quotes you shared.  I also appreciate how you check in with yourself during different parts of the day and record/reflect on it. 

It makes me feel kind of sad, Laurels, that you were looking forward to your day off, but then felt a little guilty about how you spent it. But it sounded pretty fun and relaxing, aside from the guilt and (*%^&) pain.

I love how many creative things you are involved in. You and Bee here are inspiring with the arts!

I'm really sad too, that you had a rough night with the unwanted memory train. It can be hard....impossible sometimes...to turn that stuff off. And feeling like we're supposed to be able to turn it off at will is frustrating (to me at least)!

I'm curious do you try to do the muscle relaxation on your own? And if so, if guided relaxation might help keep your brain focused on that? But some people find the recordings annoying and they kind of are. But I've been doing some yoga nidra videos with my daughter in bed...she is...difficult to turn off at bedtime...and that seems to be working well for her and me.

I'll echo Rainy...thanks for sharing those quotes!

Hey Armadillo, yes I do the relaxation on my own, I'm usually pretty good at this sort of thing. I find most recorded sessions aren't timed right for me? I need to feel out each part on my own. But you did give me the idea to find a reliable external stimulus to focus on! I'll give it a think. (And the day was quite relaxing, I still enjoyed myself during!)

Ha, yes, creativity does seem to be one thing I seem to have going for me. Aside from clinical psychology I studied graphic design, I like drawing digitally, sometimes I collage. And the poetry is actually quite recent - I'm trying to fight my self-perception of being "bad at words". While it's true that I'm not great at verbal communication, especially in my mother tongue (gendered language, complicated relationship there), and especially when I'm emotionally invested in something I just can't talk at all, nothing comes out. But. I'm pretty good with writing in English, when I can take my time to figure out how to say things. (This self-doubt was also sown by an intelligence test I had to take in childhood, where I scored the lowest on "verbal intelligence" - that's the only thing I remember about the results, which I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have seen anyway?) There was a poetry challenge going around in May and I thought I'd try it, as I had a little bit of practice previously writing prayers, and I had a lot of fun with it. I didn't do it daily, too much pressure, but I'd like to go back to it. I really started releasing and processing some difficult emotions about you know, Everything. All the difficult past things, how I coped with it. A new way to unlock, explore and express things. Exciting.

(By the way, I don't think I'll be posting the poems after all - I reviewed the forum guidelines and even if I removed the swears it would still be either adult content or graphic stuff. It's alright, I still get the benefit of getting it out of my system, even if I don't show it to other people who'd understand).

I'm reading about diminishing the inner critic voice and part of it resonates, part of it doesn't. Nothing seems to be quite as conscious and loud as the article seems to imply. I don't have a "word-thought" with content I seem to react to. I don't hear a berating voice. It starts with the flashback into intense fear of abandonment and then I can work my way back to some sort of unfulfilled perfectionist expectation of myself. I don't berate myself for it.

This leads to the biggest a-ha I got from exploring that: I am terrified of losing my partner's love because I'm not quite sure how I secured it in the first place. So I grasp at straws, guessing about what "value" I have for him, subconsciously assigning Great Importance to some things (like housework - for example I get the panicky shaking fear if he comments about the food I make in any way other than delight). I haven't finished the article, I see there are some strategies to try, but I'm thinking I could discuss this with my partner, so that I have a specific instance of him explaining his feelings for me to call up in my mind when the big rejection button gets slammed. We'd work it out in a way that it's not something that my brain can twist into a list of expectations.