Out of the Storm

I've decided to start a new Journal because the possibility of going inpatient has given me an immediate shift in priorities.

First I wondered about entitling this journal 'Getting by' as in 'Barely hanging on' but then decided on the idea which formed itself at the end of T appt. on Thursday: It's quite OK for me to be who I am now, with all my difficulties, instead of trying to be some ideal version of who I am. And it's quite OK for me to do things at my pace.

My T had asked me what Tool I possess which would help me even want to get up in the morning and that bolded sentence came slowly up from the depths. The Tool is allowing myself to slow down enough to feel that I am OK just as I am and just as I do. It's helping already. For instance, today I finally made myself something warm to eat. It was packet soup but for the past idk 10 days I haven't even been capable of making that. Today I was also finally able to sit down and work out the latest Corona regulations and how they apply to me, ie. I need to go back into lockdown until next Wed. when I get my booster shot. The regulations have very recently changed - a week ago lockdown wouldn't have been an issue for me, just for people who haven't had their first or second jabs, but now it is an issue for me. But my brain was a little on strike and I didn't understand. It's pretty important to be able to understand that kind of thing, putting it mildly.

So focussing on accepting myself and knowing that with this self-acceptance I will move forwards in ways I hadn't even planned on.

I love how you've described this shift. To many, it probably wouldn't seem like much, as they have never walked this lonely path.

Be patient, and kind, to yourself. Savour the warm food, enjoy the space you've created for yourself. It may have been unexpected, but sometimes that is the truest road to peace.

               ~~    :hug:   ~~

Blueberry, I want to support you and affirm, it is very okay for you to be who you are now and to go at your own pace. Sending you lots of care.

Thank you for sharing Blueberry.  I resonate with what you wrote and will be thinking of you as you navigate each next step. 

QuoteIt's quite OK for me to be who I am now, with all my difficulties, instead of trying to be some ideal version of who I am. And it's quite OK for me to do things at my pace.

It's absolutely OK, Blueberry. Thank you for writing this, I found it helpful too. :hug:

Hi Blueberry,

I hope you find the self-acceptance you're looking for and sending you support for what you're going through right now.

dolly

 :hug:

Blueberry.

What you write about self-acceptance is beautiful and wise. Those moments of self acceptance can be very healing, too.

I wish you were not suffering and struggling with self-care, but there is no shame in it. If you go to inpatient treatment I wish you warmth and comfort and healing there.

Thank you all for your good wishes and validation  :)  :hug:

Yesterday I came on here but had no idea what I could write.  I had this idea (or rather I think a part of me had this idea) that now I'm accepting myself there's nothing to write about. Strangely, it didn't mean there's nothing to do! It was not a sit-back-on-laurels moment.

I had quite a successful day today. Took my meds, ate 2 meals, drank large mug of ginger tea and some water, did most FurBaby care, ran a few errands which also meant I was outside in the fresh air, did some cleaning and tidying so one room looks better than yesterday.
Found a little flowering snap-dragon under my tarpaulin in the garden. Very surprising because it's been down below 0°C off and on recently. Didn't think the tarpaulin would make much difference.

What else? Got a letter from LL. Sigh. But I didn't start panicking. In fact after a little while I took my anger and pounded some feta cheese in a bowl and then made and ate my tomato, lamb's leaf and feta salad! :cheer: So instead of pulling back and/or self-neglect and/or SH and/or addiction, I used the energy to complete something I actually have trouble with!

With this new self-acceptance I'm also feeling less hurried and 'pushed about'. Non-self-acceptance leads to minor and constant EF? I wonder if there might be something in that for me. I felt hurried and 'pushed about' as a child, mostly by M but also by B1. Today a memory came of me and B1 doing some household job together. He was waiting for me to finish some part of it so he could continue. Instead of just waiting those extra couple of minutes, he was tapping his foot and making impatient noises and gestures. That kind of thing happened quite often actually. But today with the memory came the realisation that   1) he didn't HAVE TO react that way, he chose to     2) explains at least partially why I get so edgy when somebody is observing my work or waiting for me to finish something       3) explains at least partially why I react to small noises

Today I also started looking into inpatient places which offer trauma therapy instead of just a place to go and get back on track. There are disadvantages and advantages to both types. It certainly won't happen till the New Year anyway.

I appreciate your share, Blueberry.  I appreciate the reminder that acceptance can be an active and ongoing process as opposed to a single event.  I hope you continue to find what is supportive to you.

 :cheer:        :grouphug:

 :hug:

I'm feeling good about putting things to sell or give away on an Internet platform. There has been some interest already. I don't have any way to take photos but a friend has been helping me bit by bit. I pay her to help me clean or sometimes other odd things, so photos fit in with that. Some things I put on the platform without a photo. This is something I've been wanting to do for about a year. It feels good to be working on it now. Things are flowing better and I'm feeling better able to let other objects go, bit by bit.

I put some old boots to give away on this platform and a collector asked if he could pay me for them and the postage! so I'm thinking about that. Mostly I just want people to come and get stuff because packing up parcels and taking them to the post-office (max. 5 min. walk from here) is one of these things that can really exhaust me. That's something for me to accept about myself and I do mostly too.

Yesterday I watched part of Bessel van Kolk's talk. It was interesting for me. One thing it made me remember is that I was sometimes in a very bad way in the past. He showed results of some studies on efficacy of different treatments, showing how some would help the patient for a while but then symptoms would worsen again when the treatment ended, whereas other treatments e.g. EMDR for ptsd (not necessarily for cptsd) could reduce the symptoms to such an extent the patients wouldn't have the criteria for the diagnosis anymore and it would remain that way. So I realised that I'm always just kind of scraping by, even with treatment. Yes, I make progress but 'not much' can throw me for a loop again. I'm still highly reactive and hypervigilant. My hypervigilance drives some people e.g. neighbours up the wall.

I think I may have written this before in a previous Journal, but I think I have a fairly bad case of cptsd. Of course I don't mean to say I'm worse off than anybody else here because 1) I can't know that and 2) comparing doesn't help anyway. It's more that I'm accepting for myself that this is the way it is, this is the way I am. If I go inpatient, it'll be maybe the 11th time? in 21 years. I've lost count. I think I only went inpatient once for SI but it really only was ideation the way Pete Walker writes about it, I wasn't actually at risk of doing anything. In fact, I wasn't even put on a closed ward. So all those other times it was just because I couldn't manage anymore and/or outpatient treatment wasn't intensive enough or didn't give me enough of a feeling of security that I could work on things. Or something like that. Or sometimes it's even just that I need somebody else to do all those jobs e.g. looking after FurBabies, cooking, washing dishes, cleaning that is either done by somebody in my absence (FurBabies) or automatically done in the clinic (cooking etc.) so that I have energy for therapy and therapy homework and self-care and very, very basic looking after my surroundings, i.e. you do have to keep your room a little tidy in a clinic, especially if you're sharing a room with somebody else, and you have to do your laundry.

I think it might be a good idea to go inpatient to get some input from other trauma Ts. Maybe somebody else could help me a little using EMDR. I do think my current T really understands me very well and mostly helps me well. But still sometimes another T or group of Ts in an inpatient setting have different ideas and can move things in a different way. Of course sometimes they try way too fast with me and destabilise me completely. But I hope I'm getting better at saying "No! Stop! Slow down! Leave me alone."

With thinking/realising how bad my state of emotional health used to be - well, when Ts asked me 'dumb' questions like "Why do you do xy instead of pq?" (very triggering) and I would go crazy in my head and feel like screaming hysterically (and even did sometimes when pushed way too far), I was in a really, really bad state. In fact, even now I realise I can't really write what I wanted to because trying to means I'm in danger of going back into a dark place I don't feel capable of going to. So better not. (Good self-care I say to myself now.) I think my present T might have overestimated me and my emotional strength or underestimated how much confronting other people and standing up for myself take out of me. These activities are still very difficult, very triggering. His idea is that I won't heal from the past unless I show myself in the present day that I can take these steps. But I think now there is something missing. I need some additional steps, some additional help before I can the steps he suggests. And what is more - they take so much out of me! They are so strenuous. I think there is more trauma stuck there than anybody realises. To do with how I was treated growing up in FOO - intellectual, verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Idk if anybody else talks about 'intellectual' abuse but I do. Because I grew up in a household of intellectuals, cognitively very intelligent, who spent their time proving how stupid, illogical, irrational I was. I wasn't actually that stupid intellectually/academically but the atmosphere I was in made me shut-down often. That was interesting in the van Kolk presentation. There was a slide or two showing a brain in Freeze, there was almost nothing going on. Mostly a big white expanse. I know I was Frozen. By my second year at school when I wasn't even 7 yet, I was wondering what was wrong with me. Among my first encounters with a psychiatrist as an adult, I was asked when the depression started. I said "7yo" and was told that was impossible, children that young might be sad but not clinically depressed. Actually I now know that I was showing signs of traumatisation by that age though I was probably clinically depressed as well and certainly unhappy.

It's time I left that dark space because even writing about it now makes me leave my current-day Adult a little bit. Still, thinking about it is a form of acceptance. The dark, confusing and sometimes hysterically-raging space isn't all of me but it's part of me. Better leave it again. My GP has said before - a good number of years ago and then this year -  that I got a little too close to the fire or the furnace. This fall and early winter that happened a few times when I was trying to do my T homework. I hadn't properly realised that till the past couple of days. I will tell my T in January.

Quote from: Blueberry on December 16, 2021, 12:20:36 AM
But I think now there is something missing. I need some additional steps, some additional help before I can the steps he suggests. And what is more - they take so much out of me!

I feel this way a lot too and appreciate you speaking it and knowing yourself so well to recognize it.  I will be thinking of you as you take each step forward and sort out what makes sense for you. 

Blueberry, just want you to know that I read your post.  :hug:

Thank you Notalone and rainydiary. It feels good to be heard.  :hug: :hug:

You have been working so hard to heal Blueberry. I wish your family had not hurt you so badly. Their abuse is unacceptable and I believe you that they caused dissociation and depression at such a young age.

Your acceptance of where you are at right now is admirable. I've spent a lot of energy fighting the truth of my symptoms and it isn't helpful. The times I've accepted the full truth of just how bad they are have been the times I've been able to make more progress and i hope the same is true for you, because you do deserve some relief, you deserve to be able to get closer to the furnace without being  burned. To take steps to protect and stand up for yourself without being thrown off kilter. I completely relate to what you said about needing extra steps.

I'm cheering you on Blueberry as you accept where you are and just how severe your cPTSD is. You deserve to be accepted as you are and you deserve to get better and you deserve to have help with daily living until you access more healing.

You are very strong and loveable and worthy, just as you are Blueberry. Thank you for sharing and being here.

Much love,

Armee

Thank you so much for your lovely words and validation, Armee :hug: I read it yesterday too and it did me a lot of good.   :)

Additional Good Things / Things I Achieved:
Yesterday I finally wrote 2 long-overdue bills.

Today I wrote 2 to-the-point missives (emails) to a small group and one individual person in the bike club where there are definite problems in the ethics of discussion and decision-making...

I also wrote to the woman at a higher level of our bike club taking her up on offered help for here at the local level. (Fingers crossed she doesn't back out this time w/o telling me in advance.)

Despite feeling a bit tired after all those rather difficult emails, I have more energy, I suppose of a different type otherwise this would be rather oxymoron-ous. And I feel good having achieved those emails finally and spoken my truth again. But I also think I did quite well in not blowing my top or writing inappropriate things or things likely to make the situation worse.  (3 Good Things all rolled into one there).

Yesterday I sang with some remnants of the choir. There were 3 of us. I did have some trouble with the correct notes but I sang anyway. It quite simply does me good. I'll be singing at Christmas too. Choir mbrs are divided up into different services due to Covid restrictions, which is a fair way of doing it.

 :cheer:

Lots of good brave things Blueberry!!!

:hug:

Bravo for writing those emails.

Glad you are singing. I trust it will bring joy to you and to those who listen.

Here we are, voiceless and speaking only via words appearing on these screens. And yet there's magic here, too -- it can come through via thoughts we resonate with, stories of hurting people bravely finding new insights, and lots more of 'who-woulda-thought-it' moments that are shared here.

Reading of your singing, Blueberry, was another example of how we can lift each other's spirits. Reading of your recent return to the joy of singing did that for me. Those few simple words turned to music as they wonderfully described your delight at re-engaging with life in this special way. :cheer:

Thank you.

 :hug: :hug: to you Blueberry.  I'm also glad you've been singing. 
Hope  :)

Thank you everybody.  :) :hug:

Today I feel sad, tired, depressed. I suppose those emails did it in for me and make me feel sad as well as tired. I did go to the morning church service to sing but then spent the day on my bed, mostly dozing.

Surprisingly I got a response from the local leader of our bike club, where he's agreed to a mediated talk with someone from the women's network.

Tomorrow I want to go and speak to LL. I don't expect that it will make much difference but I do want to say a few things. I don't just have the feeling that he will always win. He will win, he will get what he wants. This is a case where I'm working on accepting myself as not being equal to winning against someone like him.

About 18 months ago, he asked why I wasn't paying the full office rent as made out in the rental agreement. I told him in writing that the previous LL had lowered it for me and would get back to him about it to confirm. Current LL sent me a Read Confirmation on my email. I found it rather strange that he seemed to accept the lowered rent and didn't raise it immediately himself. Well, he's raised it now retroactively back to the time he bought the building, meaning I have to pay over €1500 this week to cover it all, otherwise he'll take legal action against me. A few days ago I asked previous LL if he'd spoken to current LL. He said he hadn't because current LL never answered the phone or got back to him, which I can believe because that's exactly how current LL treats me. Over €1500 is a big dip into my profit this year, due to Corona and my own shakey state of health, which was further exacerbated by all that harassment from LL and business neighbour over the summer. If only I'd known at the beginning of the business year I'd be paying so much back, there are at least a couple of smallish business expenses I would have decided against this year. Not that it would have made much difference really.

Well, this is also an area in which self-acceptance is the way to go.  I didn't know in advance. LL is the way he is and acts the way he is. I can't change him. And myself, well, I can only change myself slowly. I have cptsd and all that it entails in my particular case. That also is something to accept.

I don't imagine speaking to LL will make any difference to the money, but I still want to (politely) give him a piece of my mind about his tactics.

Oh my gosh that's awful Blueberry! Here we have tenant right organization's wonder if you have the same. That kind of notice and time line seems unreasonable given the lack of communication.

Well, here's another case of my fear being worse than the actual thing. It was the same with the last round of interpreting I did too.

Anyway, today I gathered my courage and my papers in both hands and dropped by on LL's office. It seems he has time for you if you do that whereas he doesn't have time if you email or phone. After some blustering and what have you, he agreed I could pay the proper amount as of Jan. 2022 but do not have to pay back from the previous almost 3 years.  Phew!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: I do have 2 or 3 hundred euros to pay LL for a separate reason but that's understandable in the circs.

I also asked him if he couldn't get back to me when I contact him e.g. all last summer when business neighbour was being a total pain in the neck but unfortunately LL did some huge blustering and poor-me- stuff about him being harassed by business neighbour too. As if he couldn't treat business neighbour the way he treats me when he wants me to 'behave'. However, I will have to accept that LL is not willing to show business neighbour who's boss.

But now I know, LL requires me to drop by and talk to him rather than try and phone or worse email or even worse involve the Tenants' Rights Association.

 :cheer:

Wow Blueberry! That is great news and took a lot of courage!!!

Thank you Armee!  :) 

Taking this step has helped me believe a bit what my T says: I have recourse to things I didn't as a child/teen or even adult in FOO. LL isn't even necessarily quite as toxic as present-day FOO. Kind of seemed that way because I think that was my fear based on FOO. I'm not going to get all friendly with LL or really trust him, but I do seem to have got through to him. I even asked him to write and sign the original letter he sent stating the changes. That's not something FOO does these days or has done in the last years. They just don't get back to me. And then they pretend that what I wrote was incomprehensible, illogical etc.

Now I feel some agency, rather than complete powerless ness, so I've been getting on with all sorts of stuff today. I also no longer feel as if I might as well throw in the towel business-wise. It's still hard-going, with Corona. Last night I had some creative ideas about moving my office back into my apartment only to remember that it wouldn't work because I don't really have the space for plexiglas and distancing and so on. Now: relief, reprieve - I don't have to think about handing in my notice quite so soon.

I even felt good enough to accept an additional work order for this week! I do think it'll be a little on the difficult side, but otoh it's good to accept when I more or less can do the work, otherwise people won't get back to me another time.

Very brave of you. I'm proud of you.

Gave somebody else a piece of my mind today, including saying his behaviour wasn't fair. He got really loud and angry and people started staring. I didn't lose my cool or my train of thought, which is good going for me. Nor did I give him the information he wanted: the name and phone number of our elected group leader who he wanted to phone and idk complain about me to or explain why his behaviour is 'fair' after all.   He ended up telling me instead why his behaviour is 'fair' :stars: - 'interesting' reasons. And although officially I can't speak for the local bike club I'm in, nor can those who've been allowing this guy to go against what we decided on a couple of years ago! They do it because they know this guy from some other club or they're not capable of saying 'No' or something or other. Some of them are quite capable of pushing me out though or 'shutting me up' though I am an active mbr.

So I feel good about just going ahead and saying something today without asking permission or leaving it and hoping somebody else will finally do it, though none except the elected leader have any more right to do it than I do. They just take that right, well, the men do anyway, which is why I've been contacting the women's network.

Should have declined, should have declined, should have declined. The order I took on Dec. 20th.

Due in 20 mins and I'm most definitely not going to make it. Originally it would've been due in 3 hours and 20 minutes. I actually said yesterday that I'd try to get it in earlier since the lawyer brought the appointment forward 3 hours. The company I'm freelancing for isn't even in the office yet. Thanks guys.

So what do I need to accept about myself here? 1. I should have declined. 2. I don't know enough about the subject in question. 3. Procrastinating isn't helpful and I tend to NOT start my work when I could 4. That's something I tend to do but now is not the best time to analyse WHY. 5. I should have declined, should have declined, should have declined. Earning money is important but not this important.
:fallingbricks: That's me drowning  actually. But it's my own fault. Difficult to accept and to own up to, well it would be if I could reach the company I'm freelancing for...

 :hug:

Thank you Armee, that felt calming when I saw it in the middle of my self-induced stress :disappear:  At least I suppose it's self-induced. Another adult I know suggested I might have ADD because not getting on with things is one symptom. I did one of those online tests and the result was: NO. Fortunately. cptsd is enough.

I think quite frankly that I need to go and sleep for a while. I was falling asleep teaching my student half an hour ago.

I did more or less manage my deadline, well the original one, not the 3 hours earlier one.

In my previous post I wrote "it's my own fault" which is the sort of sentiment I often heard from FOO. So how I could word that in a more helpful and less accusatory and triggering way? I need to get away from the bit about 'fault'. More useful would be to feel in advance whether I can really do the work and whether I have enough wherewithal and whether I've been in touch with my resiliency recently. And otherwise I'm blank so it's maybe not a good time to be figuring this out either.

I think managing your original deadline suggests a lot of wisdom and self awareness was present and that your line of thinking right now of tuning in to your wisdom will be helpful and protective. The "It's my fault" thinking is my go to protective mechanism. It's not healthy anymore and let's us be taken advantage of by others, but in the past it was like putting on a thick layer of armor to fend off the abuse at least for me. Hurts less if I say it first, too. I'm trying to switch it up as well. I do really like your approach of listening to yourself up front and accepting the reality of where we are currently. And maybe thinking through how the dynamics worked that moved you from theboriginal deadline to the shorter one.

I definitely had loads  of ADHD and autism symptoms that were all at their core cPTSD. Many of them have improved with treatment for the trauma, although focusing on work was still a challenge. Hah a few months into therapy I told my therapist I thought I had autism. He said it was an interesting theory. 

:hug:

For me personally, changing the word "fault" to "responsibility" changed a lot. That brought me out of victim mode, and into a place where I felt empowered to take ownership of my life.
It moved me away from focusing on what was wrong and who's fault it was, to a more positive "how do I want it" and "how am I going to get there". And it helps remind me that whatever I do, it's my choice, and if the result doesn't work for me, I can choose to learn/do something else.

Quote from: Armee on December 23, 2021, 04:45:19 PM
in the past it was like putting on a thick layer of armor to fend off the abuse at least for me. Hurts less if I say it first, too. 

That's interesting. I used to repeat the nasty, untrue, unhelpful words that FOO said to me. You're right it was like armor to fend off what was coming. And yes, I think it hurt less if I said it to myself first anyway.

The company was OK about my translation coming in late. They hope to do further work with me in the coming year. I feel ashamed and haven't sent the bill yet. I also hope the translation was OK, not sure it was.

Before that one was finished I got an enquiry about another one, due ASAP, that I most definitely do not feel the wherewithal to do. I was the only translator asked but that still doesn't make it my duty to do it. I've asked permission to post it on the professional association website so hopefully somebody else does it. But it's still not my job to make sure someone does.
_____________________________

Christmas.
Been in bed, mostly. Just ignoring it. I could have been at church this morning or actually right now singing in the choir but that would have involved getting up, showering, brushing hair etc. However I really should get it together for this evening's service because there's a limited number allowed to sing and it's not fair to everybody else if I just don't show up.

I did read some Christmas stories, mostly children's. I wonder if I'm a bit like Scrooge, though my reasons for more or less leaving Christmas out this year are different from his. I'm feeling contrary like Mary in "The Secret Garden". Another book I've been dipping into today.

I've been needing to attend to one of my little furbabies, unbandaging and rebandaging her paw. Putting ointment on in between. The vet needed her assistant in order to do it. 4 hands. I have 2 hands. So I'm worried about this little furbaby but I'm not taking any steps to alleviate the problem. I know NOT acting on things is the choice I'm making. Even before Christmas I didn't know who I could ask, whereas over Christmas... There isn't anybody.

 :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
I think that translator job you did was something amazing that you managed to get to them, and it sounds like they appreciated that you got it to them, even though it was slightly outside the time span agreed - honestly, I think they're lucky that they got your work, and I really hope that you're able to send them your bill, if you feel able to, as you deserve your pay.  (Please don't mind me, I am just expressing that I think you are conscientious and I honestly think you'd be good at what you do, so I think your translation will be really good).  (If I'm over-stepping any marks by saying that, please don't take too much notice of me).

I'm glad you read some Christmas stories and especially The Secret Garden, such a wonderful book.  Mary is a nice character - I relate to her.  If you feel 'contrary' like her, that's your right to be contrary and express whatever thoughts, feelings etc that you have.  They are yours and yours alone!

:hug: :hug:

Hope  :)

I wanted to write some more things but notice suddenly how tired I am - which might well not be real physical tiredness but rather some emotional stuff.

As I wrote over on the Difficult Day thread, I was in a huge EF but now I'm out of that again :thumbup:

I had a useful and generally informative talk with a trauma T at one of the local inpatient places I could go to. She needed to find out more about my trauma story particularly my symptoms and I wanted to see if they know more than 'average' and can deal with somebody like me who is further along in healing and quite frankly a little 'difficult' as in they can't just put me on the trauma T conveyor belt and hope it all pans out and then get angry at me if it doesn't. The T was surprisingly open to those kinds of questions and explanations from me. Assuming my med. insurance will even pay for it, I could get a spot in March (or maybe April or conceivably February).

I now have help with my Little FurBaby, daily with the bandaging. And somebody experienced in this type of FurBaby care who's going to take all three off me on Monday for a week or two or three because I know I can't keep up the proper paw care for FurBaby for the requisite 3-6 weeks till it finally heals. This person might also be able to take FurBabies again when I go inpatient. So that helps everything feel more manageable.

Today I got not so much a translation request as a translation 'order': "Do this for us soon!" It's from a local authority and that's just how they word things. Surprisingly, I felt that I 'can' do this. That was a large hint to me that I'm back out of my EF. Yesterday I managed to write 2 bills including the one for the other translation.

Today I also managed to shower and wash my hair, both of which were looooooong overdue. Also managing to get rid of things bit by bit or give them a different use briefly e.g. in FurBabies' palatial space till all messy and then bin them. That includes a hand-knit sweater that took a lot of work originally but the sweater is just no longer really something I wear. It's also over 30 years old (not joking!) but I noted those old FOO voices saying "What a waste - giving to non-house-trained FurBabies!" Though I noticed that giving it to one of the FOO dogs would have been fine (when I was growing up) just not the little FurBabies. Well, I've acted contrary to that and given it to those little ones after all. If I move in the nearish future, I need to get rid of a bunch of stuff anyway, including clothing I no longer wear. Still feels a bit 'daring', or a bit 'risky' but it's done :cheer: The original knitter of the sweater is not the ICr voice telling me I can't possibly give the sweater to my little pets. In fact she'd be flabbergasted I still have the sweater.

So accepting myself that what seem like small steps might actually be big steps. And accepting that I'm going at my own pace doing things that are important to me and my growth.

Also accepting that as far as possible it would be good to keep going with my business, keep living and working in this bldg, keep Little Furries, but also spend what is basically FOO money on cost of living while I'm inpatient and not able to earn. Because otherwise my plan of trying to move would pull the rug so thoroughly from under my feet that I would be totally destabilised. Not sensible. I'm accepting that this is the case for me though it might not be for others on here or others elsewhere. For some people, the route of throw everything overboard and start everything anew might help them and give them the energy to move forwards. But that's not the case for me. Move and lose at least 2 of following but probably more: office space, garden, large cheap apartment, stuff that is of emotional importance to me (space issue), even things like books (space issue),  probably little Furries (space issue) - it just won't be helpful for me, no matter how helpful it might be for others. So accepting that about myself as well. No point getting way too close to the flames again.

did i read this correctly?  was the talk with the trauma T about going inpatient?  what a bold move.  i'm hoping and praying all the best for you, blueberry. 

i was sorry to read you were in such a terrible EF.  so very glad you're out of it now.  i could hear the strength in you thru your words.

i really like the self-acceptance of this new journal.  i think you've made some good points about it, about yourself.  healthy and strong.  and you're absolutely correct, in my mind, that what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.  i see acceptance and self-knowledge playing a big part in our choices and decisions as to what is best for each of us.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

 :cheer:  Your self-awareness

  :applause:        Being out of huge EF

:cheer:   For going to visit trauma T and for asking important questions

  :applause:        That you have help with furbabies

:cheer:   Your reaction to "order" to do translation

:applause:         showering and washing your hair

:cheer:   going against voices of FOO and giving sweater to furbabies

  :applause:        accepting that you are going at your own pace and doing things that are important to you

I couldn't say it better than Not Alone and San so...

:yeahthat:

I'm so relieved to hear you found help with fur babies, too.

 :hug:

Blueberry, I am checking in to say that you are doing so much work and walking your path.  I am here with you and appreciate you for being Blueberry. 

Thank you for saying that rainydiary! Of course I believe you cognitively, but unfortunately that's the kind of statement that can't reach my feelings, yet. It's still good for me to store it away till it can reach them.

____________________________
My furbabies got collected today. I have a sinking feeling. (My T teaches me to be aware of physical sensations). I'm not worried about my furbabies. They seem to be in very good hands. My sinking feeling is more about myself sinking, with one less reason (or maybe three less, one per furbaby) for motivating myself and moving forwards or even just treading water, keeping going.

I've noticed this before: both time and energy are freed up when somebody else is looking after them but I don't turn the added time and energy towards myself. I guess I should best go and read the Swimming Pool Walls analogy which I recently bumped! This time, I don't use 'should' in a destructive way.

hey, blueberry,

i echo rainy's sentiments about appreciating you for being you. 

i think you're feeling the loss of those furry little critters.  even tho their absence frees up time and energy for you, it also, as you said, leaves a hole in your motivation agenda.  that's a big loss, to my mind.  not just their presence, but what they give to you and what that means for you.  i hope you can take some time to grieve them, allow the feelings, even tho they might be painful.  they've meant a lot to you.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Thank you san. At least this time it doesn't feel as if a part of my heart has been ripped out. Probably because I haven't given them up for good, but just for a few weeks.

In a way, I still feel as if they're there. In my head I can hear them and in my mind's eye I can see them looking up at me or trotting about. I still didn't get up till 3pm. :Idunno: Trying to accept myself as I am.

Today I had to remind bus.neighbour to clean the toilet. He didn't actually answer me but his friend was in the shop and he did instead. So I'll see if they do it before my next student comes. 

I got kind of a fright today and my anxiety went up when my key didn't work to come back into the building. I finally managed to twiddle it until it worked and then got out the WD40.

 :hug:

That's a huge change for you, to not have those fur babies anchoring you. Is there a possibility of in patient sooner while you have temporary care arranged, if you wanted it?

It's scary to feel like you are falling into a pit. I do see you as being very proactive though. 💛

At least I got up at noon today rather than 3pm ;D

Thanks Armee but inpatient sooner isn't possible, as far as I know. Next Monday I have an appt with psych doc. He needs to get the med. ins. company to agree to pay, for one thing. Then there is quite frankly a wait till one of the two inpatient Ts who could take on my case have an opening. And there are already other people on their waiting lists. I don't happen to want to go into the next general psych unit because as of next week I do have students again and other appointments. That will all help me get back on my feet. I have my T appt too.

At least it was just a bit of a sinking feeling, I didn't actually feel as if I was sinking into a pit. Not that low.

Thank you Notalone for listing everything again for me on Dec. 29th. It was really helpful to see it all in vertical form :) :hug:

Yup, san, I phoned the clinic where I could go inpatient and got called back by the head trauma T. I guess that's pretty proactive ;D but that is the kind of thing I manage quite well.
Although I do have information about 2 other clinics I could try (good reputation for trauma), they're all further away and psych doc said he isn't going to do the hassle with med. ins. for me for either of those clinics. Sounds like he's being a bit lazy actually but he will have well-established channels with the one local clinic and undoubtedly my med. ins. co. does too. The clinic sounds good enough, I'm not going to fight for a different one. So, good to have made that decision too.  :applause:

blueberry, i admire you so much for your decision.  honestly, i think it takes a lot of courage and strength to do this.   :thumbup:  well done, my dear.  and it also sounds like you've done your research on the clinics available - i can feel the confidence from you that you're content with your choice.  i hope above all you get the care you need and deserve.  sending love and a big hug to simply embrace you in warmth :bighug:

Blueberry, I hope you find the space that will provide you the support you are seeking.  Thank you for sharing your journey. 

I've more or less given up since my FurBabies moved out. Sleep and/or zone out for about 22 hours a day. Do a little this and that for max. 2 hours, often at weird times like 3am.

This is a few minutes later: When I spoke to the inpatient T a week or so ago, I said that I really don't want to feel. Maybe that's always my biggest problem? She said she can understand my not wanting to feel.

In one of my healing books, one I return to read in when things are especially bad or when I feel especially stuck, I read about concentrating on Love. I saw some very clear images of my FurBabies. Since I can't look after them adequately, it was an act of love to give them to somebody who can atm. But it's no wonder I don't want to feel atm, don't want to feel the gaps, the lack of love, that there is nobody to love. That kind of thing.

my heart is with you, blueberry.  so very sorry you're going thru this difficult time. i agree about love - i don't think there's anything stronger, anything more desirable to have in one's life.  to have lived without it, even for a little while, can be disheartening.  know you are loved by me, possibly others here, for what that's worth.  furbabies can absolutely fill that love void, and i'm sorry they can't be with you right now.  soon, tho.  sending love and a hug filled with comfort and peace. :bighug:

 :bighug:

You are such a good mamma to your fur babies. Knowing our limitations and setting up the best patchwork of care is very loving.

I'm sorry you can't do much right now. It's OK to fall down for awhile. As you said (I think?) "This too shall pass." There will come a time when you regain your function. Right now you are needing to protect yourself. From feeling, from being triggered by tasks, etc.  :grouphug:

You're right. Thanks for reminding me. This too shall pass!!

In fact, it has sort of passed. Idk if it was another EF or just a down phase from needing to adjust to no longer having furbabies. I don't suppose it really matters which it was.

I 'kind of' realised again why it's so important for me to express my anger or disappointment or whatever it is to people instead of storing that up inside. Nonetheless I also notice how difficult that is. Today, I'm having trouble sending a bill again. The trouble started yesterday in fact. So it's a question of moving forwards with other more practical things or forcing through a dam burst... No, I note the images in my head and the emotions somewhere in me at forcing through a dam burst. Not good, not helpful. OK, do easier practical stuff and possibly the bill. The dam burst would include writing to no-longer-friends no.1 and no.2.

The practical things? I've finally got a load of laundry in the machine and I sorted out some more books in the night which I'll go and put on the Neighbourhood Book Shelf. Then I'm going to the farm in the market van (after the market) to finally do my work up there that I've been putting off for at least 3 weeks. It's a start. In fact quite a good start. In thinking and saying that I realise that I am accepting myself :applause:  I also phoned a friend this morning after I saw she phoned last night. She phoned to see how I was doing after handing furbabies away.  :)

Well, I sent the bill. And before that I actually did write and send what I needed to to no-longer-friend no.1 Had to dissociate a bit in order to do so though. But that is one of the reasons why it is so important to send this type of information. If I can't do so without dissociating, there's certainly something wrong, unbalanced in the no-longer-friendship. One of the reasons why it is so important to stick with expressing things is in so doing I am stating my boundary and sometimes I am stating an emotion. It is also often very hard for me to do this towards somebody when there actually is not even a conflict. So it's good to keep going and not hold all that stuff back.

I wrote 2 other emails in the meantime too. Neither of them to people where there's a conflict. But both where I was hesitant for some inexplicable reason. 'inexplicable' - there will be a reason actually but I don't want to feel what yet.

Hi Blueberry,
Wow, so many things you've accomplished  :cheer:  I read your first journal entry earlier today, and then saw this latest one, and I was impressed by all you've done.  I see many realisations in what you wrote too, and finally, sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

Quote from: Alter-eg0 on December 23, 2021, 05:26:54 PM
For me personally, changing the word "fault" to "responsibility" changed a lot. That brought me out of victim mode, and into a place where I felt empowered to take ownership of my life.
It moved me away from focusing on what was wrong and who's fault it was, to a more positive "how do I want it" and "how am I going to get there". And it helps remind me that whatever I do, it's my choice, and if the result doesn't work for me, I can choose to learn/do something else.

Today is the first time I can think of this w/o feeling wrong myself or feeling somehow at fault. I remembered today that I do have a choice to fall back to thinking the way I did as a child/teen or to view things a little differently.

Choosing to learn/do something else doesn't necessarily mean I have to back down, retract my boundaries, agree with other people and allow them to go over my boundaries etc. Doing something else could merely mean reminding myself I don't have to back down. And also reminding myself that feeling lonely atm could be part of me feeling hurt instead. I used to think that was loneliness and/or was told in therapy that that was what it was, but I'm not sure I agree anymore. In fact, backing down and retracting my boundaries isn't anything new. I used to do it in FOO all the time.

What would be new though would be remaining in some form of contact with people I have disagreements with before I'm absolutely sure there's no hope. I don't mean no-longer-friends no.1 and 2. However, that's something very difficult for me.

Another new or newish thing would be practising allowing myself a 'good life' in spite of setting boundaries. It's like I set a boundary or tell somebody what I think of the way they are treating me, then run a mile and start avoiding all sorts of people and feel bad. The opposite would I suppose be accepting myself whatever anybody else might think of what I said. I feel quite confused and also not really grounded anymore. I had better go and re-ground myself.

Blueberry, I appreciate these reflections.  It felt important for me to receive these words today.

As difficult as it has been for you lately, that you did laundry, sent the bill and sent emails, is really quite amazing. Yea for you.

You're doing awesome Blueberry! I've seen how you've done these difficult acts of standing up for yourself and are recovering each time more quickly. It's super inspiring to see you facing this over and over and standing up stronger each time. I'm proud for you.

That's a tricky question...whether to avoid someone after standing up for yourself, depending of course on how they treat you.

How are furbabies?
.

Quote from: Not Alone on January 10, 2022, 02:07:00 AM
As difficult as it has been for you lately, that you did laundry, sent the bill and sent emails, is really quite amazing. Yea for you.

Thank you for writing that because it's quite a struggle atm accepting myself the way I am, which feels as if I'm doing more or less nothing.
And thank you too Armee for saying I'm recovering faster these days after sticking up for myself.

I realised today that I miss no-longer-friend no. 1 (who sent me an email response yesterday) BUT otoh I still don't like how she acts towards me. She wrote she doesn't hold grudges against people so she'll always hold the door open for me, so to speak. I suppose if I dig a little deeper and allow my feelings to come up, I'll feel some anger. To me it sounds like she doesn't see anything wrong with any of her behaviour towards me so she's not going to change but when I get over my bad mood, I can go back. I feel like a sulky child who'll be welcomed back in the family circle when I get over it all rather than either a child or an adult with an actual complaint about how somebody is treating me. No-longer-friend no. 1 hasn't apologised for anything or offered to look at anything or change. It's more like now she realises I mean business, she's using the old donkey-and-carrot trick to attempt to protract the discussion. She had been going to respond to an email from back in the summer but it was so difficult for her that she hasn't managed yet (she would much prefer to talk but I've vetoed that) but now she realises there's no point.

Yeah well, I wrote that as far as I could see the friendship was at an end.  :stars: ??? :'( I feel all confused. I also feel as if I've 'lost'. Trying to stick up for myself I lost the whole friendship and now see the whole long litany of friendships/relationships I lose when I stand up for myself, so it's hard not to hear those ICr voices of: "You really are a difficult person. We all get on with everybody else, we all have friends, there must be something wrong with you." What if my T is wrong? He doesn't see me in company with others?

I have stood up for myself but what if in doing so I lost way more than I gained?
What if how I choose to act is all down to cptsd and when I get healthier I'll see where all I went wrong and know I'm at fault?
Just rants in my head atm.

_________________
Armee, I know that my  FurBabies have settled in well. Thank you for saying that my having put them in care means I'm a good mamma to them. You're right, it was a good and caring thing to do for them.

hey, blueberry,

i hear you about losing friends, etc., when you stand up for yourself.  that happened to me with who i thought was my best friend of 20 years.  long story short, i'd asked for an apology from her, she told me if that's what i was waiting for i'd be waiting a long time.  it took more than 2 yrs. before she reached out to me again, but in that time i looked at the friendship more closely, acknowledged to myself how i'd been treated, and told her i was done.

what did i lose?  i lost misplaced trust, betrayal, verbal abuse, stress and tension, neg. attitude toward me, her envy of me - a whole host of things i am better off without.  i think we've let people into our lives who weren't really on our side, who used and manipulated us, and brought negativity into our lives because of what we've been used to from our past.  standing up for ourselves eliminates all that, paves the way for healthier boundaries, strength of self, and self-knowledge.  i think you've been brave in this, blueberry.  i echo armee - i'm proud of you.

i also agree you've shown strength and courage in getting yourself from one day to the next.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Hey blueberry-

Even when we cut off relationships due to choosing not to be with people who are toxic to us, it's still a loss of some kind. It's also okay to grieve that and the lost potential friendship. From what I've read, it's definitely their loss, especially since they're not willing to even ask themselves "what if I'm wrong?". And not everyone gets along with everybody else. I resonated with this because it's only recently that I realized my need to be the "one everyone liked" at work was a fawning response. gentle hugs if you want them and good on ya for setting those boundaries!

Thank you for reminding me that even the loss of toxic relationships is a loss of sorts and also reminding me of the need to grieve, CactusFlower. I suppose I need to be able to give myself permission to grieve, permission to take time to grieve instead of running away from my feelings. I've given n-l-f no.1 enough chances to decide to treat me otherwise but she's unwilling, incapable or something. And despite what I've written, she still doesn't get that I don't want any help outside of a friendship. :pissed:

I even feel that the loss of FOO is a loss. Of course it's a gain too. But still this loss of family connection, loss of all sorts of people with whom I didn't actually have a problem until they decided they had to be loyal to enablers and abusers and undoubtedly younger parts of me simply feel loss of family members and also how scary it is to move forwards alone, especially having been brought up to not do that, brought up to feel anything but empowered. It's hard for me to throw all that off atm and move forwards.

However, instead of reinstating my Journal entitled 'Moving Forwards', I'm consciously sticking to this one entitled 'Accepting Myself' because that's a relatively new thing which needs practice. When it's easier for me, then I imagine I'll be moving forwards again.

I'd love some  :hug: :hug: CactusFlower

Quote from: Blueberry on January 11, 2022, 01:35:29 PM
However, instead of reinstating my Journal entitled 'Moving Forwards', I'm consciously sticking to this one entitled 'Accepting Myself' because that's a relatively new thing which needs practice. When it's easier for me, then I imagine I'll be moving forwards again.

In my journey, there are times of steep mountain climbing, times of having to back-track, times of falling into a crevice, times when I'm trapped in the mud and times when I'm sitting on a rock resting (for me with Jesus nearby). All of those are valuable parts of my journey. Even when it may not seem like it, I believe that all together those add up to forward motion. "Accepting yourself" and allowing yourself to grieve, may not feel like you are moving, but I believe those are significant parts of your "moving forwards."

Quote from: Blueberry on January 11, 2022, 01:35:29 PM
When it's easier for me, then I imagine I'll be moving forwards again.

I agree with Not Alone who said this much more eloquently...but here's my version too:

I see this as moving forwards, Blueberry - very much so! Honoring your need to recover from these difficult tasks of shedding hurtful people from your life in spite of the loss and grief...that is strength and progress in my book! It doesn't seem like standing still to me, and definitely not moving backward!

I think it's OK to "not do" things for awhile. I think it is forward progress, not backward progress that you are exploring inpatient treatment to do further healing work.

I hold a lot of hope and confidence that positive relationships will fill the void left by these toxic ones you have bravely ended.

:grouphug:

Thank you for all the reflections and questions you are sharing.  I resonate with the feelings of loss even of hurtful things.  I hope that you find what is useful for you to carry forward and leave behind what isn't.

I'm kind of tired and have a headache but in spite of that I've been doing a lot better for 48 hours now. Pretty suddenly for no reason that I can pinpoint, things were suddenly easier. I presume that before they got better I was in some EF or other, which I hadn't even contemplated since I'd only just left another EF behind me. But I do know and had forgotten that I sometimes have multi-layered EFs that don't begin or end simultaneously.

Within those 48 hours I had another T appointment which was useful. I might write more about it in a day or two.

If it's helpful? You came out of the first EF strong and wrote some more difficult communications standing up for yourself. After that you felt strong but I've noticed too that following the feelings of strength, writing those types of communications often result in EFs. It seems that this one was pretty short lived!!!!  :cheer:

I was going to write: If I am off,base, ignore me....but you could ignore or you could stand up to me too, if that is helpful.  :hug:

Thank you, Armee, your reminder and your ideas are very helpful!  :thumbup: :hug:
You're right too, this EF was quite short-lived :)

blueberry, i think all that you're doing lately is so courageous, the losses you're enduring, finding a way to accept yourself for who and where you are (even if it's a struggle at times).  i don't see anything you've written as 'nothing'.  there's quite a bit of 'something' in these posts.  i'm sure you'd notice it if someone else were writing the same thing.  i hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself while you keep moving forward and/or while you're in the grieving process.  keep taking care of you, ok? as best you can.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san, reading back to about Jan. 10th, I do notice progress. It's just always hard when I spend a few days or longer struggling with the most basic of self-care activities like taking my meds and having a shower more frequently than once every 2 weeks as well as struggling with other very basic stuff like getting out of bed 'sometime' which turns into 3pm. But yeah, learning to accept myself includes accepting the degree to which I get thrown off-course by EFs.

Big thanks to all who have commented since about Jan. 9th or 10th. I really appreciate all you had to say and what you were all reminding me.  :grouphug:   I also have the feeling from what I've been reading on here in the last few days that there is a lot of work going on rn with a whole lot of people on the forum! :cheer:  Sending  :hug: :hug: :hug:  :grouphug: for all who need it atm.

I'm a little short of time and energy, but for a good reason. Just found out a few days ago that I'm interpreting on Monday, which is hard work for me. I need to take it easy on the weekend before, as well as prepare. I have managed to not prepare much so far, although come to think of it I have been eating well again - e.g. lots fibre and vitamins instead of the stuff I tend to eat when EFy - and drinking more fluid and non-caffeine to help my brain perform well. I haven't started on terminology yet though and that kind of stuff.

thanks for the hugs, blueberry.  much appreciated.

i hope you are able to rest up before your translating gig, and that it goes smoothly.  ever onward, right?  love and hugs to you :hug:

Thank you for the hug.  :bighug:

Good luck today with your interpreting and congrats on eating better lately.  :hug:

Thank you CactusFlower :) :hug:

The interpreting went well, much better than last time. Last time the clients were happy with me though too, but it was harder somehow.

I knew better how to prepare and what to prepare for today. I put off continuing my prep this morning by going back to bed and falling asleep for 2 hours, during which time there were a few FOO dreams in which my T also appeared and was trying to convince me not to take up contact again. So it's also possible that long nap wasn't just me running away from my prep work. Nonetheless once I got up again, I was able to quickly eat some breakfast and then get on with prep w/o distracting myself or otherwise running away from it.

I also made things easier for myself by pulling some clothes on top of my nightgown etc rather than forcing myself through shower and getting dressed before prep. To the casual observer it would have looked as if I was dressed, but I wasn't. I think it's possible that had I forced myself to shower et al. before prep work, I might have gone back to bed. So really good decision to act otherwise - got all my prep work done before showering :thumbup:  Then I didn't have much time for the latter so just quick wash and into my more respectable clothes and off I went.

At some point in my travels to get there, I remember feeling both purposeful and professional. It was a good feeling that I don't think I've ever had before interpreting, possibly because up until now I've been consumed by anxiety combined with feeling self-conscious about my appearance (Thanks, FOO. Not.). Possibly because of my T appointment last week or possibly just because of the way recovery is going atm, I'm shedding more of this ICr. stuff.

About a year or two ago I bought myself something like a cross between a thin briefcase and a zip-up folder to go to an interpreting appointment. I bought it because I didn't really have any suitable and smart-looking bag in which to carry my papers and various things. Just backpacks and cycling paniers etc. Today I could hear  M in my head saying that it's cheap and nasty. It's not leather, it's some sort of plastic or vinyl but not the cheapest, ugliest kind either. But that's a typical put-down from her - not that she has ever seen this particular piece of equipment or ever will - but 'cheap and nasty' if it's not the real thing, e.g. also for costume jewellery (spelling doesn't have to be perfect on here ;D). Pretty much a put-down for anybody in poverty. When I bought this zip-up folder/briefcase thing, it really felt like splurging so no way could I have bought something of a higher quality. It was good today that I dismissed M's imaginary remark right off the bat rather than taking ICr. on board.  :cheer:

I've come back home today thinking I did well instead of cringeing and apologising in my head and thinking I'll never do that again.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :waveline:

Wow Blueberry! This whole ENTIRE post is amazing. I'm so happy feeling reading all this. You did amazing today!

And translating is notoriously stressful work. Wow good job, Blueberry!

My favorite part is this:

Quote from: Blueberry on January 17, 2022, 09:52:56 PM

I've come back home today thinking I did well instead of cringeing and apologising in my head and thinking I'll never do that again.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

sometimes it's amazing how insidious that programmed commentary can be, so good on you for dismissing the putdown she would have used!  :hug:

Just as a side note, translating is written work and I do have a degree in it and a couple of years on the job before I crashed completely. Interpreting, which I do occasionally, consists of listening and speaking. Aside from being more or less bilingual and having or gaining an understanding of the relevant subject matter, the necessary skills as well as the hurdles you come across are different. I did just the one compulsory course in interpreting at university and 'knew' it wasn't my thing.

Now that I'm changing, gaining in confidence, and I suppose that my brain is changing e.g. blockages are unblocking, I'm finding that I can interpret. Not simultaneous! But consecutive, yes. One skill required is quick-thinking, which isn't easy when your brain switches off in panic under stress. Because of the way I was treated by FOO, having to make decisions on language e.g. correct word, terminology, correct meaning, correct interpretation - that's all high stress. I did actually choose this profession myself, strangely enough. But the amount of self-doubt about my own work that I carried in me was certainly part of the reason I collapsed due to exhaustion less than 3 years after graduating from university and getting a full-time position. Today I look back on what I achieved just yesterday and think 1) it's as if up until now in translation and interpreting I've been really struggling and only just barely surviving whereas yesterday I was thriving, at least by my standards - there is still room for improvement, but I'm not beating myself up about it, and 2) it's as if a switch flipped - it's not because I practised or whatever - it's just suddenly I managed to start preparing bit by bit over several days and suddenly I was able to mostly keep the anxiety at bay in the hours before the actual interpreting and suddenly I was able to listen and retain the content in my mind without blanking out, while more information was still coming and then this time it was much easier to present it in English.
Magic :witch: (in the world of Harry Potter, witches do magic) :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

It's my birthday today. Yesterday I got an invitation from the farm where I sometimes help to head up there today for a meal, which I did. I was very happy to get an invitation because I hadn't organised anything for myself! They even offered to pick me up by car but I felt good enough to cycle it and enjoyed doing that for the first time in about 2 weeks. The children were really sweet - they'd decorated a special seat for me at the table, before they went to school in the morning, and the two youngest kept me occupied most of the afternoon - one of them was teaching me how to make various origami animals and I was reading picture books to the very little one. The parents of the littlest ones apologised, but they didn't need to at all. I enjoyed spending the time with the children. Anyway their parents were in the room part of the time too doing various jobs. It's not as if I was babysitting or anything. Just fun time with little ones, no responsibility.

I also went off to visit the pigs, who weren't visible at first. So I was wondering what had happened to the pigs?? But then they started coming out of their sties. Then they were hilarious - I've never seen such crazy, active pigs there! They were play-fighting like young dogs, even rolling around on their backs and play-snapping at each other. Since I don't actually work with the animals when I'm there, I somehow often don't get round to visiting and observing them either.

I had a sudden idea on Sunday on the way home from choir at church: Why don't I convert to Catholicism? I was christened as a child into a different church (which doesn't exist in this country), but here I go to the Catholic church and am learning more and more about Catholic beliefs and growing and developing spiritually, so why not officially join? It really feels to me as if that would be a good next step for me. It also occurred to me that, surprisingly somehow, partially FOO prejudices have been clouding my perception, or maybe more now that some FOO prejudices or ICr. stuff have suddenly dropped away and a real part of me has emerged. "Surprisingly" because I hadn't realised up until now how prejudiced FOO is and how much that has affected me. FOO hides it in 'humour' and mockery. They'd make jocular remarks about Catholics 'genuflecting all over the place' and 'crossing themselves right, left and centre'. Why?? It's just part of their belief or how they express that belief. And actually involving concrete gestures and not just your thoughts and your head is actually a Good Thing - I know that from teaching. There are good reasons not to join the Catholic church or any church and there are good reasons to leave any church, especially if you've been abused in it, but I never have been. It has become a good support for me.

So a lot of progress just the past few days :)

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing the information and clarification about translation and interpretation.  In my work, I have worked with both and really value their work.  Your reflections and experience also give me space to consider both my relationship to bilingual individuals I work with as well as when an interpreter is involved.  The more I learn about trauma the more I see it present in my work in so many nuanced ways. 

Happy birthday, Blueberry. It put a smile on my face to think of you with the children and also of you laughing at the pigs.

Hearty birthday greetings, Blueberry  :applause:  :cheer:  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

It was especially heart-warming to sense the heightened mood you seem to be in of late, bursting forth like a fresh ray of long-needed sunshine  :sunny:

Interesting, your comments re interpretation and translating. Especially the quick mindedness sometimes required. I experienced this sort of thing in an improv acting gig I was involved with for several years. I was part of a troupe interpreting another era's history and culture for a variety of modern audiences. I'd never envisioned doing anything remotely like that, following on the heels of years of trauma, but I found that I could do it, fairly successfully even, despite that. And in spite of the quick-mindedness involved. So not quite the same sort of interpretation/translation you speak of, but I feel akin to the notion of 'translating' other ideas via quick turn-around dialogue.

The best part, though, was discovering that being surprised, as I was in falling into that sort of vocation, helped me open to new horizons, even ones that seemed impossible.

Being open to surprise also shifted my take on where and how I could develop my spiritual life. That this ever happened for me was another huge surprise, given that some of my major traumas resulted from years of religious abuses. That's a lengthy story, though, and I'd rather not go into it within your journal. My main point is to, again, be open to being surprised along these odd trails we end up travelling.

Thanks for being here, Blueberry, and sharing so openly.  :hug:

Happy Birthday Blueberry!!!

 :cake: :phoot: :waveline: :yourock:

happy birthday, blueberry!  i hope it was a good day for you.  love and a hug filled with lovely birthday wishes. :hug:  :wave:

Happy Birthday for yesterday Blueberry  :cake: :fireworks:
:hug:
Hope  :)

Happy Belated Birthday!!! :hug:

Thank you so much Armee, san, Hope and CactusFlower  :grouphug:

________________

Progress :boogie:  I went to a cinema to see a documentary film I really wanted to see but which I knew might be a little difficult to watch. I knew there was going to be some violence because it was about 3 young people in 3 different non-European/non-N.American countries engaged in protest movements right on the front line - protest for democracy and that kind of thing. I knew there was going to be police violence etc.

I always take a little worry egg with me to the cinema to hold in my fingers, so this time too. I did so well this evening! I didn't have to close my eyes for a while or look away, I didn't hold my breath. I did yawn a few times under my mask but that's one semi-automatic way I have of releasing stress. It just sort of happens. Occasionally I made a small voluntary movement with my body similar to shuddering, but it being voluntary meant I was doing it on purpose and it seemed to help! Along with yawning I did a fair amount of exhaling, though quietly to not disturb others. Since it was a documentary I couldn't even remind myself, as I have done in the past, that none of it's real, that's just an actor, not real life, just looks as if they're injured but they aren't etc. What's more, I didn't even need to!

Big step forwards :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Blueberry, I admire that you anticipated what you might need to watch the film and found ways to care for and support yourself so that you could watch a film you wanted to see. 

Big steps, indeed!  :cheer:

 :yeahthat:  :cheer: :cheer: i, too, yawn as a stress release - often do it when a therapy session is coming to an end. going places alone is a very big deal for some people - i'm glad you were able to do something you wanted to.  well done! :thumbup:  love and hugs :hug:

Things took a little dip this evening. I mean, I was sad about things earlier.

One of my furbabies slipped away quietly in his sleep on Wed. His foster mama brought him to me yesterday so I could say 'Goodbye'. It was totally unexpected, he wasn't the one with a medical problem. But that was sadness and not being triggered. I used to cry waterfalls when my pets died, so much other pain would come up. Now it's so strange that I don't feel devastated by sadness. otoh today I've been very jumpy. Everytime there was a loud noise during the day I jumped out of my skin. Crying a little bit would be preferable. So that means I might be a little EF-y after all.

Anyway this evening something happened where I'm actually a bit triggered. From Dec. 18th: "Today I wrote 2 to-the-point missives (emails) to a small group and one individual person in the bike club where there are definite problems in the ethics of discussion and decision-making..." At the time I wrote, the individual person - the elected leader -  agreed to a mediated talk with a woman from the Women's Support Network but wanted to speak to me first. Well, we finally did that this evening and now I'm not sure why he wanted to speak to me alone. Why didn't we do a mediated talk??

He did listen physically but with answers like "It's a long time ago and I can't remember exactly" or "that wasn't my impression at the time" (though he doesn't actually remember what I was referring to, see previous quote) or "I'm not willing to be arbitrator between different members" and "I'm sure mbr W. was just trying to be helpful" (interesting that he assumes that though doesn't know so but still puts it forth as a valid argument, whereas with the things that are my impression of how somebody was treating me, he had counter-arguments) and then of course "it sounds like a communication problem" (understood: on my side). I threw that one straight back asking whether it couldn't be a communication problem on the other mbr's part.

There isn't really a resolution. I haven't left the active mbrs' group which I said I would if a) he didn't agree to a talk and b) there isn't a change. But obviously I'll wait and see if there's a change. At the end, I reiterated my demand that he have an ear and an eye open for what might be going on in the group. Though he said he would, it's a bit difficult to quantify imo. I said I would probably speak to the Women's Support Network again. And I'll let it sit for a while.

blueberry, sounds like evasion across the board, an unwillingness to be involved in anything that may be controversial.  his assumptions, the vagueness of his statements, an unwillingness to bring the 2 parties together so both sides could be heard - i don't believe he wanted to be involved in what he perceived might be unpleasantness, so evaded anything tangible except for trying to give the fault to you (misunderstanding).  sorry you didn't have more supportive results, you weren't heard, or you were basically dismissed, as in 'this sounds like a personal problem'.  that sucks.  love and hugs - i hear you. :hug:

Oh Blueberry.  :hug: I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with San's assessment of the bike club. People don't want to be bothered. I'm sorry. You were dismissed and not really listened to. On the plus side you show so much insight and awareness that the responses from this guy were unfair and unbalanced and not about you being bad or unworthy or wrong. I hope there's a solution that doesn't force you to quit the group if it brings you happiness meaning and connectedness. But it is 100% ok to stand up for yourself and leave if that feels best to and for you and your values. You are really doing an amazing job standing up and speaking out.

I'm sorry about your furbaby.   

Thank you all for the care and support about my furbaby  :hug: :hug:

And thank you san and Armee for commenting on my talk with the bike club leader and calling it what it is e.g. evasion across the board. I was questioning myself a little, but much less than various times last year e.g. with LL and business neighbour and no-longer-friends. Yes, Armee, the bike club is meaningful for me, it's a bike advocacy club (so not racing or anything like that) and I've been in bike advocacy for years. But I don't have to remain there if they keep dismissing me. I could switch to the Women's Support Network instead, though it's national, not local. Before that, I have decided I'll try and organise a mediated talk after all. To do it BEFORE I go inpatient because once I get out of there after 2 or 3 months, everything will be even further back in time and even more likely to be dismissed.

You're right Armee, I am doing a good job standing up for myself! This afternoon I taught a student and was strict with him where I needed to be (also a form of standing up for myself) and then I wrote homework for another and sent it. Then I did escape to bed for a while partially because my energy all ran away at the thought of hanging up my laundry though of course that didn't have much to do with the laundry. No, I've been reviewing the telephone call from yesterday in my head. But then I got up at 10 pm again and did hang up my laundry. So the need to hide and feel safe in bed was very short-lived :cheer: I have been up ever since doing various odd tasks and also reading good / inspiring / funny news on a particular website ;D

The furbaby carer can't continue their care, so brought the remaining two home today. Yesterday - when I first knew - I was busily looking into a new carer so that I can leave them somewhere when I go inpatient. I do have some leads but no definite place as of yet.

Today I kind of gave up. Hope I get myself back into a better place tomorrow. At least I haven't plummetted as far as I might have in previous years.

Continued with doing nothing today. Though I do at least have one offer to take my furbabies.

I looked back in here to remind myself to be kind to myself. And that this too will pass.

If it's ok I'd like to remind you it is ok to do nothing if that is what you need to do?

Sending lots of luck finding a new furbaby caretaker and safe hugs or flowers whichever you prefer, Blueberry.

Thank you Armee. Though I really should want to give furbaby her medications, but even that feels like too much.  Flowers are lovely.

I've just checked back on my thread on Diff. Day board, so I'm reminding myself that I'm undoubtedly in some sort of EF and that several things are obviously overwhelming me atm, but those are things to accept about myself! As I'm working on doing on this Journal. And although it feels as if all sorts of things are urgent, 'need to be done', they don't. They can wait till I feel more stable again. Particularly things like further contact or further discussions with people who aren't good for me. Got an email from no-longer-friend no. 2 today. It can wait. Even though she tacked my godson's name on the end, it's really from her.

💐

Wow you recognized that EF really fast!!!!  :cheer:

Those emails can definitely wait. Just nourish yourself even if by taking care of furbaby then hiding in bed.

Ooh that exfriend sounds so manipulative and passive aggressive. Ggrrrr.

I have a new student who I have just ditched by phone. It is the third lesson where he arrived late or not at all and didn't cancel. I am sick of this so told his voice mail to find a different teacher.  :thumbup:

Loss of potential income but also loss of stress and being messed about and doing work for nothing, e.g. preparing for a lesson where he doesn't come. I choose to not be messed about :applause:

Armee, I think ex-friend doesn't realise yet that she is ex-friend. That's one of those emails I need to write but haven't been managing so far. The time will come. She thought it was fine to dump all that stuff on me, somehow thinking that's what friends are for ??? :stars: and then we'd continue as before. :no:  She may finally be noticing that it doesn't work that way for me. Or maybe you're right and due to old friendship I'm still giving her too much benefit of doubt.

Thanks for the flowers :hug:  I've basically been hiding in bed in accordance with your suggestion. Though now I'm in my office, I might do a few more business things including writing a 2-week old invoice.

Good job on removing that student, Blueberry. You set a boundary that means it's better for you. I would say that the third incidence indicates they're not taking the lesson seriously and it's very disrespectful behavior.  Loss of income, yes, but you don't need that stress and they need to learn people won't put up with that. Good on ya.  :hug:

Yes, very good job putting up a boundary on the no show. Sucks about the loss of income though and waste effort.

You don't have to explicitly tell your exfriend she's an exfriend if you don't want to or feel up to it. She is still an exfriend because she made herself one by how she treated you.

Thanks CactusFlower and Armee :) It's so obviously the correct decision - telling that student to get lost. I used to try harder to retain customers and then everything would just get worse.

I think I do want to tell ex-friend that it's the end of our friendship because of her son being my godson. Without my godmother role, our friendship would have completely fizzled out a while ago imho. I think it's important that she knows that our upcoming communication will be about preserving my role in his life rather than me having any interest in her life. Obviously for his sake it would be good for his mother and I not to turn into total enemies. In the country and culture I live in you make a distinction between friends and acquaintances and she has definitely moved down into the aquaintance category for me. For me, not saying so is sticking to this unhelpful activity: "Dismissing and diminishing your lived experiences and attendant feelings to make other people comfortable in order to preserve relationships with them." (From an article on Psychology Today linked by Hope https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14697.msg120138#new )  Even if it might not look like I'm trying to preserve a relationship with her, deep down it actually has to do with fear in saying what I think and feel. Fear that it might annoy her, fear that I'm coming with it at the wrong time for her :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: and behind all that is childhood experiences with my M. Those experiences are so bad that my body is going numb while I relate this and I can see M in my head.  :fallingbricks:

At least that is useful now in telling me how important it indeed is to make this step. My T said last appointment that it's possible in inpatient stay that they may do emdr or some other method on specific incidents from my childhood/teen years but the most important for me is to accept myself and be accepted in relationship with whoever, including T, doc etc, instead of people close to me thinking they can be judgemental and still friends or judgemental and still a helpful T /doc.

I'm finally giving my furbaby some of her proper medical care. Today I went for an evening walk about town with a friend and yesterday I took part in a ZOOM social meet-up of a local group I'm a mbr of. That was quite fun, I felt quite lively. I also spoke to the mother of one of my school students about impending inpatient stay and not being able to teach for a while. It turned out easier than I had expected. Otherwise I'm pretty much drifting along and not getting on with much. Although there are some things I really really need to set in motion before I go to inpatient place.

So, finally sent that email to GS's mother, ex-friend. Took 2 hours to write. I do have this fear that she will remove GS from my life. I don't actually think she will, the fear is based on my past. But I have said that sort of thing before re: friends and FOO and then it has turned out that they went and reacted the way I feared. On ex-friend's head it would be if she did so.

Spent day reading and dozing in bed. Got up at some point to bring in the mail. Medical insurance has decided to pay 3 weeks inpatient stay :cheer:   It's not enough but I hope the clinic will accept it and take up the struggle for extending my stay once I'm there. Need to speak to clinic tomorrow. I will of course tell you all before I go.

I hope that the outcome of the email and the planning/financials for the inpatient stay are supportive for you.

No longer-friend no. 1 hasn't apologised for anything or offered to look at anything or change. It's more like now she realises I mean business, she's using the old donkey-and-carrot trick to attempt to protract the discussion.
[/quote]

Hi Blueberry,

Am catching up on your journal now. I can relate to how difficult the experiences you're going through right now are and find myself in a similar "daze" with reactions of maybe I'm the difficult one etc. I see the struggle you're going through. When I saw the above it came to mind that perhaps you could write her back, reinforcing the boundary you already set. Something like I understand you feel that way but I feel like this about our friendship and don't feel respected by you when you do this etc. I've done that with someone who had a habit of not treating me great in the past and they went into meltdown about how I was always negative and saying they were a horrible person etc, which maybe ultimately made me feel worse (even though I don't think those things were true). On the other hand, I know how hard it is to let sleeping dogs lie and just move on without closure. I think over time, I'm seeing that that's something I can work on myself. Like San said, you may grow to see what they're effects on your life were not great and they weren't a "friend" after all but it's so hard not to internalize that.

***edit*** have just read that you've done that. I hope it doesn't go the way you fear but no matter what, you have to do those things for you. If she takes it a certain way despite your best efforts to explain, that's on her.

Ha! Now I'm going to have to search the forum for a toxic friend thread because if there isn't one there should be where we can all share war stories.

dolly 

Ex-friend no.2 has not removed GS from my life. She did thank me for my hard and hurtful words though. I replied that her words to me were also very hurtful and some of her attitudes non-negotiable. Trying to argue FOR my parents - non-negotiable.

I felt bad afterwards and also sad. I felt bad because I was wondering if I wasn't like FOO - arguing for the sake of it and not getting to the real feelings?? Or arguing over words and the intentions they spelled out without delving underneath. These were things I wondered yesterday but today I think I am expecting too much of myself, expecting myself to somehow be the bigger person who understands more and knows how to interpret what this person really means. I see M in my head now. She often interpreted what I really meant to other people e.g. F in the middle of arguments and was totally wrong. Ex-friend no.2 shored up her arguments so to speak and wrote things she's written before like she assumed our friendship had been long and good enough so far to handle her real thoughts on my actions and attitudes to third-parties (e.g. my parents and ex-friend no.1). Well, I guess she has finally understood that that's not the case. And that it is too late.

I know people are sometimes shocked at my unforgiving attitude, that I have said before at the end of friendships  - it is too late. However, ex-friend no.2 shores up her arguments but at no point does she say e.g. "this is what I believed, obviously I was wrong, sorry I hurt you" there are just more and more reasons why what I said/did lead her to believe and say what she did or why she's that way in general. I told her e.g. that her and her H's fat-shaming was hurtful to me. She wrote back that H doesn't mean any harm and that she tries to temper it a bit when he gets like that but obviously she hadn't managed and also in difficult situations (she doesn't elaborate what those are, maybe she means the pandemic but actually the fat-shaming was BEFORE the pandemic) they both lean towards non-PC humour to deal with life. So, no 'sorry', no 'I have no control over H but I'll try not to join in with him another time', no 'I can see how our behaviour in this respect teaches GS hurtful ways of being and acting' (which I had alluded to). Just one example of many. She also says I could have told her I disagreed with decisions she made without remembering that we had discussed various, that I had said I disagreed or I objected to the repercussions for me. So I feel I'm being blamed in retrospect for not saying 'No!' loudly enough or for in fact compromising and now deciding to no longer compromise to that degree.

It's hard for me to accept the percussions of all this, but this is what happens when I don't try as long and as hard with people as I did with FOO. I have learnt to give up earlier. It's difficult, it makes me sad that I'm giving up earlier but I can almost think and say that it's the correct decision. Almost. There are I think societal barriers to giving up. Or maybe those are just societal barriers in my own head or societal barriers I learned before I was in trauma-informed therapy. Pre-trauma-informed therapy I learned to question and even condemn just about every action I took. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself (true) but the changes I was often nudged and even pushed toward were 'understanding' where the other person was coming from and not saying "No!!". I was seen as being too hard on others without there being some understanding as to where this hardness comes from. My present T spent so much time teaching me that "No" is not impolite and it is not necessarily unfriendly. I suppose you could say he has spent a lot of time teaching me that it is perfectly OK not to enable others to go over my boundaries. Whereas in the past therapists were quibbling with me about how I set those boundaries, not realising or caring that the most important thing for me was setting them and having them accepted by those who think they are close to me and that when that has happened enough, then compromise and maybe a gentler way of setting could occur. But the compromise is only for the people I'm dealing with. So that doesn't mean I'll compromise with ex-friend no.2 on how I deal with my parents, obviously, I would have thought. But that doesn't seem obvious to her. Anyway, just working some things out in my head and feelings.

Blueberry, I appreciate your reflections on this and have been thinking a lot about the ending of friendships.  It is confusing to me that friends come and go and yet we are not static beings so it does make sense that our friendship/relationship needs would change.  I am with you that establishing boundaries with people earlier than we may have in the past is needed.  I also don't think that just because someone has known us for a long time means they can say whatever they want to us.  I appreciate the work you are doing as it helps me consider how this could look in my life.  It is so difficult and it can hurt. 

Hi Blueberry,

I think those things would be very hurtful to hear and it seems understandable that a friend would recognize how/why you might be upset about that. I think you also have a right to change your mind about something and say after reflecting on it, you do find the remarks unacceptable. The boundaries might seem new but I would say you have every right for setting them. It is hard when other people don't recognize it though,

I had (another!) friend do something similar I think where she was going behind my back and basically gossiping about me. At the time she brushed it off as something normal. I felt very much like an outcast with my friends for sticking up about it. Over the years though, this person has just become more selfish and managed to alienate a lot of people. Sometimes it takes time to see you did the right thing and the wait isn't usually easy.

Hope find some space to be with this,
dolly 

Thanks rainydiary and dolly for reading and commenting.

Boomerang of sadness this afternoon about end of friendship with ex-friend no.2 and what that all means, so yes, dolly I did have space for it ;) With the sadness, some questioning of my own actions in all this but a lot less ICr. than usual. Who wants to feel sad? But still here I think it was good to feel those feelings. Because mourning an end of a friendship can include all feelings. Hurt and anger I've felt and still feel. Now sadness.

Dolly, I think I manage to alienate a lot of people too, e.g. with my hardness. Though there have been people over the years who recognise different things hidden under the hardness e.g. pain but also a friendly, genuinely helpful person, kindness, willingness to look at my own shortcomings, honesty (including brutal honesty about myself and those shortcomings), loyalty. Some people even see/feel/sense a loving person under all that.

The wait to see I did the right thing isn't usually easy - it's genuinely good to know that Dolly. Makes sense of course.

Hi Blueberry,
I read what you wrote, and I felt sadness.  I think I needed to feel it, and was glad to have felt it.  I just wanted to send you a hug of support, and say that I feel sadness along side you.  Different things, but a shared feeling.  Hope it was ok to say that.
Hope  :)

Hi Blueberry,

That's great that you have room for this and have less icr than usual. Something came to mind reading your earlier comment about wondering if you're like your parents and how they respond and that you're probably not like them (because you're reflecting on your behaviour). I think for us there's no road map (boundary map) about what the correct response is. We go into this nether region of questioning ourselves and did I do the right thing or not, was it me, am I like this, a bad person etc? I know I look for validation from other people where a lot of others would have probably just thought that's their stuff, let me move on. You're trying to work out your boundaries and maybe you are overprotective at times because they're new, but it also seems like that's something you're aware of and have made an effort to understand someone else's pov when they haven't tried to understand yours. I think that shows you're not an inflexible person. Maybe when other people begin to respect your boundaries, you'll feel safer in how you react when people step over them.

dolly

Quote from: dollyvee on February 04, 2022, 03:02:26 PM
Maybe when other people begin to respect your boundaries, you'll feel safer in how you react when people step over them.

Couldn't have said it better. Not to mention, you'll have better examples of what it means to actually have your boundaries respected.

Quote from: CactusFlower on February 04, 2022, 04:02:59 PM

Quote from: dollyvee on February 04, 2022, 03:02:26 PM
Maybe when other people begin to respect your boundaries, you'll feel safer in how you react when people step over them.

Couldn't have said it better. Not to mention, you'll have better examples of what it means to actually have your boundaries respected.

Thank you CactusFlower and dolly - those are really good thoughts and really helpful new stages of recovery for me to look forward to! It also makes sense that we have no road map of boundaries in place to fall back on so we end up slithering around the place looking for validation.

People like ex-friend no.2 undoubtedly used to sense me looking for validation 'all the time'. Last year when things went awry, it was partly because - I guess - she didn't notice that I was no longer looking for validation. I was saying: 'this is how it is for me.' But possibly my voice or my general demeanor was still a bit tentative or something, so she leapt in with de-validation. Not validating is OK, people don't have to agree with me. But the absolute opposite e.g. validating my parents to me or arguing the part of another friend who is not respecting my boundaries and not even remotely willing to look at her part in this?? No. Sorry. No way. It is really difficult though and needs practice. Needs to be put into use until I have a better road map to fall back on! :)  Also needs practice around people who are willing to respect me as an adult just-like-them, not as some person who has no mind and no feelings and no judgement who can be pushed around to see it another person's way. (Just putting it in different words for myself.)

I am accepting myself better with and after these sorts of steps. Yes, ICr. pops up but not as loudly or as virulently as a few months ago. There's also been a big change in the length of time ICr. hangs about spreading poison in my head and feelings - the length of time is much shorter! Sometimes just a day. That could certainly be because I don't have so many 'friends' working like ICr. for me. Who needs friends who emulate ICr.??

I finally wrote a response to ex-friend no.1 partially because I still need to get something important back from her and give her something in return. Letter boxes will do, we don't need to meet in person.

Hope, it's good to see you back on the forum. I'm glad Kizzie was able to help you. Thank you for your hug of support. It's fine by me that you wrote that you felt sadness too, even if it was for a different reason. It's still validating that we can both feel sadness, where in earlier times on this forum I had a lot of trouble feeling emotions and sitting with them and you had trouble writing about them. So yesterday we were standing together in sadness but also in our healing progress.  :hug:

 :cheer:  Sounds great that your ICr is lessening! I think you really nailed why, that the critic isn't being fed from the outside. :)

Thank you CactusFlower! It probably really does have to do with the lack of feed coming to ICr from outside.

Self-care very bad atm - waiting to go inpatient basically, although I know that if I got my self-care etc back in place I'd be able to move on recovery itself so much faster when I finally go inpatient. Knowing and doing are two separate things however. Possibly I need to look more at what it is that I am accomplishing atm. Things like the above: reducing contact with other people's OCr. attacks on me, (completely) reducing contact with people who do me psychological/emotional harm, deciding the harm these people are doing to me overrules any good they do or did.
Then realising: this is really difficult, it makes for a period of mourning. It's also brave! It takes courage to turn your back on people you thought were friends, people who still think they are friends. And to do so before you have a new set of friends in place.

Somebody looking at my life from outside rn would probably say I'm lonely, at best. I have basically been alone this weekend so far and don't have any 'fun' planned, but part of me was feeling very much at peace today. Maybe at peace to start turning into who I am without ICr.?

Blueberry, I agree with that it is brave to reduce or end contact with people that are no longer adding what you want to your life.  It is also very difficult and sad and mourning makes sense. 

I hope that this time brings you some support and clarity for how you would like to move forward and what you would like to bring with you and what you would like to leave behind.

Thank you rainydiary.
I hope that the inpatient stay will help me sort out what I want to leave behind and what I want to take forwards. But also a good idea to figure out some of that beforehand. Fortunately there are questionnaires to fill out beforehand. They're hard-going although it's hardly the first time I've done similar but they are helping me focus on what is now and what do I want to achieve during the stay.

So have I done what I planned to (see I Deserve My Pay thread)?? No. I distracted myself instead. Flight.

While distracting myself, something else occurred to me. I don't want to say 'grooming' because I don't know if it's that deliberate, but - there are people who give me presents or nice things despite the friendship or relationship being in turmoil. And I want to shout back: "That's not what I want! I don't want your money" and then whisper "I want respect and acceptance of my decisions and especially of my boundaries." Whisper because it is very hard to say, finding words for it is very new. Asking for what I want is very new. I've been able to shout "No, not that!" for longer, at least in my head or in group therapy and places like that. But sometimes also irl.

Finally finished and sent my invoice :thumbup:

 :cheer:  That is great, Blueberry.   :hug:
Hope  :)

The title of my Journal is apt.

I'm actually still in inpatient treatment but often come home on the weekend to do various things.

So, accepting myself when I've been messing up and messing other people around. The Ts and other personnel are all very gentle and patient with me. But. More and more the reactions I get from other people remind me of the way M used to get reactions from people. So what am I doing wrong? Making people feel 'supervised', 'watched over' even. It's not just the people here either.

It's quite a messy topic actually. There are about 6 childhood topics stuck beneath all that. But as I say, the inpatient place is patiently explaining this and that to me but also sometimes engaged in dialogue with Inner Children as I see how certain behaviours of mine aggravate others and we end up in a ping-pong game of over-reaction, exaggeration of truths, stubborness etc. It's really hard work. Though I am making progress in reducing self-condemnation. I have a lot of trouble retaining the realisations I come up with and can hardly write them in my paper Journal either. Sometimes I manage to put them on paper in various art forms.

I did have some FOO phone contact last weekend - due to an email I initiated the phone contact. It was difficult, especially after the fact. I know I'm correct to be retaining my boundaries there, also with both ex-friends.

Hi Blueberry,
I was thinking of you, and wondering how you are.  It's great to read your update here in your journal, and it sounds like challenging but worthwhile things that you're doing there. 

Sending you a hug if you would like one  :hug: and I've missed you. 

Wishing you the best for your remaining time there.

Hope  :)

I'm so happy to see an update from you.  :hug:

I know from my own experience of confronting things like that how excruciatingly painful it is at first before it mellows into something closer to balanced truth and further from shame and self blame. Sending lots of support your way.

I am relieved to hear that you continue to see that it is right for you to maintain the boundaries with FOO and exfriends and wish I could have been there to support you in the aftermath of that difficult call with FOO.

I am thinking of you.

Happy to see an update from you! it sounds like the inpatient work is being useful to you. Wishing you the best and missing you here. gentle hugs if you want them!

been thinking of you, blueberry - so glad you're doing ok, and that you're finding some things that are helping you.  also very glad they're being patient and gentle with you there.  as for the realizations not sticking atm, i don't doubt they will rise again when needed, giving you an 'aha' moments or tidy resolution.  so very proud of you for doing this,  keep up the good work.

interesting to note the interactions among the group, how they can lead to what you described.  i'm glad it's being dug into - quite the learning experience, i'd imagine.  love and a big hug filled with care. :bighug:

Hugs to you, Blueberry. :hug:

Blueberry, good to hear from you. I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are. You are doing really hard work. Glad you are receiving acceptance and kindness from yourself and from others.

Thank you everybody so much for your messages of support and encouragement while I was inpatient. :grouphug:

You're right, notalone, it was an awful lot of hard work.

_________

So, now I've been home a week. My burst of energy has disappeared and remains gone most of the time. But I have experience with inpatient stays and aftermath and know that can happen.

I thought about starting a new Journal, post-inpatient, but when I checked my very first post in this Journal, I saw it's the same topic: It's quite OK for me to be who I am now, with all my difficulties, instead of trying to be some ideal version of who I am. And it's quite OK for me to do things at my pace.

Also the result of those musings: So focussing on accepting myself and knowing that with this self-acceptance I will move forwards in ways I hadn't even planned on.

I am now moving forwards in unplanned ways. This is partially I know because during inpatient stays recovery comes in its own way at its own pace in a more noticeable way than at home. The new idea I have growing in me is to give up my office and give up most of my business activities. I have had this impulse before, but kept going again after a while. That was not planned on before I went inpatient nor even while I was inpatient. During my stay I was thinking more about what I could or even should (that 'should' again) give up in my private life so that I have more energy for work because viewing my life everything seemed too much :fallingbricks: That's me stuck under a pile of everyday life plus work plus LL plus FOO negotiations plus computers and other communication technology from this century plus aging Furbabies and vet trips and worry plus continuing recovery work from inpatient stay plus one or two forms of therapy which will start in the next weeks plus who knows what else.

My idea during inpatient stay was: give up keeping Furbabies, give up at least one choir if not both, give up the advocacy work I do, maybe give up farm work and then see what else. The thing is: most of those give me energy, a sense of belonging and purpose and are relatively easy to do whereas most of my professional work takes way longer than it should and often robs me of energy. Even one-on-one teaching can take longer (the prep) and involves office work and a whole pile of other stuff which has become increasingly difficult.

The progress in self-acceptance which has crept up on me unawares due to inpatient stay and recovery there is: the Inner Part of me which spews out FOO's attitudes from my childhood/teen years is being quiet on that front. Nothing and nobody is screaming words like l_ _ _ r  or f_ _ _ _ r_. It's best if I don't repeat those words at all or read them later. That's why I've left out most of the letters.

Today was a public holiday here. I sang with the choir in the morning. If not for that and for having arranged a ride with another choir mbr the day before, I probably wouldn't have even got up. In fact, I went back to bed afterwards and didn't get up again until the evening when I went outside into the garden and ended up doing some harvesting/weeding. So it's pretty obvious what does me good, and it's not professional work. I tried so long to make something out of it, partly because the work itself kept me going, gave me a purpose, a reason to get up. But it's no longer working that way.

those are some huge realizations, blueberry.  recovery work is draining, even when we figure out what's best for us and what's not.  please, take your time.  still thinking of you.   as we've heard before here, this, too, shall pass.  love and hugs :hug:

I appreciate your update Blueberry - I especially appreciate you sharing the distinction between what gives you energy and what doesn't. 

Blueberry, you have a lot that you are processing. Besides that, I would think that going from inpatient to home would take adjustment and would be tiring.

Giving up the things that rob your energy instead of the things you love is very wise. Not always easy in a practical sense but so much better for you.

I lay about all weekend, dozing in the daytime and reading and doing crosswords at night plus not accepting myself for any of that. But now I sort of understand why I was doing that - gearing up for new changes. Clearing out both office and apartment so I can amalgamate them.

While inpatient I had a lot of art therapy - I was very lucky to get so much. What I mostly painted was abstract with big swathes of colour and quickly, yawning all the way. 5 minutes for a biggish sheet of paper and then onto the next one. The energy involved with that - that's what is coming now to help me clear out. Considering it was just on Friday (this is Monday) that I decided to end rental contract of office and give up trying to make all that work, I'm actually doing quite well. Also considering how difficult it can be for me to part with things. The acceptance came a few days late, but it has come!

Sounds like you've made great strides! That kind of fast art can really speak to the subconscious, I think, because the speed doesn't allow for overthinking. (I like crosswords too.)  Welcome back!

I ran across a metaphor recently I liked in regards to moving on without the nagging from the 'old self' and its distractions.

Basically, the first mind-image is to picture oneself as having just boarded a plane traveling to a distant destination. Seated next to a window, one can still see a motley group of sad folks seeing you leave them. These include anger, resentment, and all the other pals of inner critic. You watch, without gloating but some inner satisfaction, as the plane hurtles forward into the open sky.

Upon your return, the lonely gang of gazers is gone, and you don't miss them. Thought of them maybe flit in but mostly you know they're not there. Now comes that new life and you have a cleaner slate on which to write the story.

Okay, I liked that. It's prob not terribly original, but I find these sorts of metaphors useful, and hope it may have at least created another sort of image depicting what it is you've returned to.

no, woodsgnome, that's a good metaphor, it's helpful.

My subconscious was speaking through the fast art, I'd say. In the clinic I put most of my artwork up on the walls of my room but haven't done that at home because :Idunno: :Idunno: While in the clinic I liked to see all those different colours in big swathes and feel back what it was like to do those big swathes but now I'm feeling what else that art work is bringing :cheer:

I had an appt with my psycho-doc today and even he said I need to take time and be patient with myself after such a long inpatient stay. I don't think I've ever heard that before - it was always more like people (including those in my mind like previous Ts) chivying me along to make decisions now-now-now and move on and how much of your life are you going to spend on this past stuff :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:

Quote from: Blueberry on May 30, 2022, 08:08:46 PM
I had an appt with my psycho-doc today and even he said I need to take time and be patient with myself after such a long inpatient stay.

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing the reminder of being patient and noticing the push to make it all happen now. 

Quote from: Blueberry on May 30, 2022, 08:08:46 PM
I had an appt with my psycho-doc today and even he said I need to take time and be patient with myself after such a long inpatient stay. I don't think I've ever heard that before - it was always more like people (including those in my mind like previous Ts) chivying me along to make decisions now-now-now and move on and how much of your life are you going to spend on this past stuff :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:

Hi Blueberry,

Welcome back  :cheer: I'm so sorry your previous t said that to you. I would find that really hurtful though I might not have realized it. In the beginning, my t reminded me to be gentle with myself and it took me a really long time to understand what that meant/felt like. I'm still unpacking it. There was so much pressure to be this and do that growing up that it felt like no matter who I was, or where I was at, could ever be good enough. I'm coming to realize that there's often this idea(l) of what we think we will be like or what kind of person we will be when we're healed, that we miss who is actually going through that process, which is the part of us that deserves care.

Sounds great that you've made all these new decisions for yourself and are taking time for you. Must be nice to be back with the furbabies.

Sending you support,
dolly

Thank you dollyvee for your support.
______________

I came on to write something that I feel like writing somewhere. It's not very uplifting for anybody else but it is what it is.

I don't feel capable of anything atm that is to say work or even housework or looking after my furbabies. Just want to lie and doze and read. But I'm going to go to an afternoon meet where we drink tea/coffee and play games. At least I will drink some tea which will give me some healthy fluid intake.

blueberry, i'm so glad to hear what your psycho-doc told you.  glad about the contract as well.  for as long as i've 'known' you, you've been battling a person, a situation, a trigger, and it has had to be exhausting.  i think it's a really good thing to allow yourself to lie low for as long as you need.  sending love and a hug filled w/ self-acceptance. :hug:

Ha! I discovered I was stuck in a Part, which I suppose is maybe another way of saying EF.

While I was inpatient, they discovered I have more of a dissociative disorder than I thought - not the kind where you suddenly end up somewhere and you don't know how you got there but more like a semi-permanent thing of not being in my present-day adult and needing to get back in so that I can and even want to function in today's world. Not until I'm back in my functioning-in-today modus do I realise: of course I need to get back into today's adult! And I even want to. But before I come back, I wonder "Why not stay in this state? Maybe it's useful for something?" Then I eventually realise "Um, no. The Inner Parts of previous years are not in today's world, they don't have the tools for existing and acting and doing in June 2022, they don't even have the knowledge. Some of them are still frightened of FOO and don't know how far away FOO is etc."

When I don't feel in 2022, then I can't teach - some giggling 16yo has been trying to take on the teaching prep but fortunately I got back into somebody more current by the time I was actually teaching.

Rather unfortunately my psycho-doc doesn't understand this diagnosis.

_____________
Thank you san for your support. Yes it has been very exhausting. In inpatient they asked me what my goals were. I never came up with: being less exhausted, being less triggered because I didn't know it was even possible but it is!
The occupational T said to me one day in inpatient: I have the impression this activity has exhausted you.
It was true, I was totally exhausted after putting some of my own pictures in a paper collage, which is something I had wanted to do! More or less everything exhausts me, probably meaning I'm seldom in my Adult of today.  :fallingbricks:

However, I'll get further by accepting myself as is than haranguing myself.

hi blueberry ...

stuck in a part.... I like that expression.. it captures it rather perfectly I would say.
Thanks for sharing about not being present and how it relates to even wanting to function in today's world. This resonates a lot with me.
I hope you had a wonderful afternoon of tea and games and I love that you're choosing to be accepting of yourself :)

Hi Blueberry,

That's great that you've less exhausted and less triggered  :cheer:

dolly

***I wanted to edit what I wrote as I thought maybe you felt a bit ashamed (?) to bring up how you were you feeling about not wanting to take care of the furbabies. I'm coming to realize that "healing" is not about having an absence of feelings that make us uncomfortable, but to be able to sit with them and not let them take over. Perhaps there is a tendency to want to get rid of those things, maybe it's just me or maybe it's for everyone. I think it's what's called toxic positivity (though putting toxic in front of everything seems problematic too), and I think it's better to be able to acknowledge the uncomfortable stuff. Most people don't want to acknowledge it because it makes them uncomfortable too. So, just wanted to say that I hear what you're saying. Sending you support.

 :grouphug:

Quote from: Blueberry on June 01, 2022, 04:24:22 PM
they discovered I have more of a dissociative disorder than I thought - not the kind where you suddenly end up somewhere and you don't know how you got there but more like a semi-permanent thing of not being in my present-day adult and needing to get back in so that I can and even want to function in today's world.

I relate very much to what you wrote here Blueberry.  I feel like I am like that as well - depending on how I blend with different parts.  I very much relate to what you said. 

I missed you, and I'm glad you're back safely from the inpatient place.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug: 

Hope  :)

Quote from: dollyvee on June 02, 2022, 09:41:03 AM
***I wanted to edit what I wrote as I thought maybe you felt a bit ashamed (?) to bring up how you were you feeling about not wanting to take care of the furbabies.

Yes, dollyvee, I often feel ashamed of all the things I either can't seem to do or really don't want to. I think there was a point inpatient where I managed to remove myself from feeling ashamed. It wasn't that I banned the ashamed feeling. No, it was more like I replaced feeling ashamed with self-acceptance. I guess I need to do that a good few more times before it turns into a habit.
Thank you for your support and comments.

Thank you Hope for your hugs and saying you relate. It helps :hug:

Today was a public holiday and I went up to the farm, early. Working there turns out kind of difficult for me atm too, but at least I had two meals, which is more than can be said for the moment at home. But actually when I was weeding by hand, I was accepting of my feeling that I was going fairly slowly. Every little bit helps. And then I can accept myself for needing outside motivation to get going. My own apt is chaos, my office as well. It's easier, though not easy, to go somewhere else and do some clearing there (weeding is a type of clearing). I came back home in the afternoon, utterly exhausted, tho I didn't actually notice the exhaustion till I got here. That's another thing to accept - physically tired atm, probably psychologically too and they worsen each other.

At least I enjoyed being outside, cycling to and from farm and weeding and eating lunch.

I admit, I do feel lonely, rather friendless atm, but I also feel as if I'm creating a necessary barrier between myself and others irl. Necessary because I need the protection the barrier gives me. I feel vulnerable.

I didn't sleep much last night and had to teach an hour in the morning, after which I did some food-shopping, had breakfast and then slept for hours, really deeply. The really deep sleep shows me how much I need it. Near the end of that sleep I had a FOO dream in which I was being treated way younger than I actually was. I did confront M on it, but as usual confronting wasn't particularly useful. Little edit for myself for when I'm re-reading at a later date: I confronted M in my dream, not irl.

Checked my emails a little later and saw one from M - what a coincidence. I mean, she hardly ever writes.
Inviting me to a FOO celebration overseas. There is a part in me that leaps at the idea, would love to go. In inpatient I learned to talk to these kinds of parts, just simple "I see you, I hear you, I sense your excitement" but then also "maybe you weren't there last time with FOO, but you know FOO wasn't very nice to me/ us/ other parts". Then to discover that this excited part is a part who believes that just a little bit more work from me on explaining better or setting better limits or just ignoring the FOO adults or or or would make my participation at FOO celebration possible. This is the first time since I got home from inpatient that I'm activating and using what I learned there in dealing with parts :thumbup:

I also noticed my tendency to drift off and roam around the Internet after a couple of sentences with the particular Part whereas healing comes from staying with the Part (tho not in the Part) and explaining things from the pov of present day Adult with all those experiences including trying with FOO in the past. However. I did start to explain and certainly got part way with the Part, then I did notice that I was drifting off.  :cheer:

As I write more about it, more and more of the dream is coming clearer. In fact, it wasn't just a FOO dream, I was back in the past at high school too, which is decades ago.  :thumbdown:

I guess I really do need patience with myself atm. Really, really need it.

Hi Blueberry! I'm so impressed and inspired by all you learned inpatient about parts and staying with them to explain the present. And wow what a coincidence about dream and communication from M!

Feeling lonely is...well...lonely. and yet this is probably a necessary blank slate,  friendship-wise, while you clear out old toxic friendships to make room for healthy supportive ones. It'll happen....you are a good worthwhile person.

Thanks Armee, for content of both paras. And for saying I'm a good and worthwhile person.  :)   I know you mean it btw, otherwise you wouldn't say so.

______________________

Last night, and I do mean 'night' as opposed to 'evening', I read on here for a long, long time. Mostly back in this Journal and a previous one of mine. Enough to see I made progress while inpatient and enough to see how insanely difficult and triggering last year was. I don't even remember if I mentioned it on here at all, but in about my final 2-3 weeks inpatient we had a change of LL. Maybe it's not just a coincidence that it wasn't till my final 2 weeks inpatient that I was even able to begin to look forward to coming home again or even really to consider the idea of coming home again w/o total dread??

It's just a fact of life in my particular brand of cptsd that I get pretty constantly triggered. And possibly the amount and type of triggering that went on with LL was re-traumatising? Now after inpatient I do get a little less triggered e.g. with business neighbour. My inpatient T worked with me on that. Instead of doing emdr on it, we did emd. The 'r' part - reprocessing - would have brought up a whole lot of past stuff from FOO and I think the emd session was pretty much at the end of my inpatient stay so I couldn't afford to be destabilised again but it was very good to desensitise me to business neighbour's past shenanigans.

_ _ _ _ _
Good Things Today
1) I got up nice and early, had breakfast, drank tea and took my meds
2) Did 2 loads of laundry and hung them up in the garden / (yard for the N.Ams on here) ;)
3) I washed a huge pile of dishes
4) Washing those dishes helped me then take a shower and wash my hair, which was very overdue
5) I did a little bit of vacuuming
6) Went to farmer's market and treated myself to some tasty tomatoes (grocery store ones have zero taste/smell this week) and a punnet of strawbs as well as getting some stuff from 'my' farm, and I also got some throw-away items for my little furry 4-legged creatures
7) I feel much better for having had a shower and washed my hair
8 ) Quite a few Realisations:
Realistion A) Round about hanging up laundry outside, I did a little squashing of pest beetles on a particular flowering plant and realised that it's not a waste of a time! And realised that the rule I came up with last week or the week before: tidying my apt and office as well as cleaning both is more important than doing garden work so for every hour in the garden I would do at least 2 hours in apt and/or office was making a rule for myself that quite frankly doesn't function, doesn't help. In fact it just means I end up going on strike and feeling as if I'm doing zero. Or probably some Part of me goes on strike, so it could be useful to try and speak to this Part and get more of a sense of what's going on, if I have the wherewithal.

B) Straight out of inpatient stay and I decided it would be wise to move my business back up into my apt and end the lease on my office. Because it doesn't make too much financial sense to be paying this additional rent. But now I realise - not for the first time - that my office space is useful for me in more ways than purely business and that doing the necessary large scale clear-out of my apt and office in order to be able to prepare and teach in my apt is asking way too much of myself atm and in the next couple of months as well. Also realising once again that the dissociative diagnosis I've been given really does mean that I have Idk how many Parts (OK, in double digits not triple digits) who all have different opinions and needs and require different handling and different compromises about probably more or less everything since more or less everything triggers me, so atm it would be way too much psychologically/emotionally to attempt moving office back into apt.

C) When I'm not capable of looking after my Little Furries adequately, which I'm not atm, then there is NO way that I could be attempting a clear-out or a move. In fact, just to clarify for myself reading at a later date: it took me over a week to even start cleaning out massive accommodation and I haven't managed to finish yet either. I threw some chunks of shavings in but didn't have the wherewithal to take the chunks apart and spread the shavings around. Yes, it's that bad atm.

D) NTS: I really need to take things slowly and my job atm is working on things I learned/practised during inpatient stay and slowly introducing those steps into daily life. Baby steps count here. Big steps during inpatient stay (even if it didn't feel like it), mini steps at home.

_ _ _
Another Good Thing and Realisation:
After having a second breakfast mid-morning, I realised right afterward why I had felt hungry and had eaten: I had been trying to force myself to do too much! I was thinking 'Come on, you can manage a third laundry! It's good drying weather and you're on a roll' tho I was already feeling physically tired. Right after I'd eaten I noticed how stuffed full I was, tho my second breakfast was really small. For me, it's really good progress that I noticed these things :cheer:   I'll be less likely to try and push myself through an additional task in the future, and a little bit more likely to try and sense what Part is objecting and what this Part needs instead. e.g. a rest or an activity that shows in no uncertain terms that I'm not trying to sneak the additional task in after all. Today that was putting the third pile of laundry back in the hamper :thumbup:

Wow, Blueberry, that was a lot! You got quite a lot done and had some big realizations there. it also sounds like those realizations might help you in some boundary-setting and knowing when you near a limit for yourself. Hope things continue well for you.

Thank you CactusFlower for your validation! :) :hug:

More has been evolving over the course of the day too, tho I'm not sure I'm going to manage to write it here or at least not today. So things continue to go well :)  And even when things dip again I know (and hope to be able to access the information during the dip) that things are still progressing but that I need a rest so in that way things are still going well, under the surface e.g.

I see all the progress you've made Blueberry, too.  :hug:

Thank you, Armee  :hug:
____________________

Success: I sent an email to a FOO mbr today and have not been noticeably triggered or destabilised so far.

Good Things today: Sang in the choir, saw and greeted quite a number of people I know during the course of the day (sometimes I see/speak to absolutely no people), got quite a bit of food from Neighbourhood Pantry incl. fruit, it was sunny today and I made use of that to get stuff done, e.g. 2 loads of laundry drying in garden, harvested my stinging nettles and hung them up to dry, picked garden greens for Furbabies, enjoyed the scent of my roses and the elder flowers, went for a walk with a friend through a nice park, prepared myself 2 proper, tasty, balanced meals. 

Being Kind: I was kind and helpful to a neighbour today, of my own accord. She's a Ukrainian refugee newly moved into our building. She speaks not a word of English and spoke zero of my country's language before she moved here (she can now manage 'I', 'you' 'thank you' and 'goodbye'). Since there was such a load of food on the Neighbourhood Pantry shelves today, I showed her that and then I was helping her with the ins and outs of refuse and recycling, which is pretty complicated in this country. LL needs to register her so she can get her own bin for one type of refuse and when I offered to do it for her - how on earth is she meant to be able to phone or email when she can't even use the Roman alphabet? - so when I offered to contact LL for her she was so happy! She also was totally happy earlier on when I said "I'm just trying to help you!" to make sure she didn't feel I was criticising her for putting the wrong refuse in the wrong bin.
I guess the specially good thing for me with helping today was the feeling of giving something back to society - in a society where I get a lot that in my dysfunctional FOO would be seen as not mine to get or that I don't deserve it because I don't give enough (in FOO's opinion), e.g. long inpatient stays, which are very expensive for the state. Not monetary help to a charity working with refugees, but just directly giving to one individual to help her settle in better.

Another Good Thing today: I'm noticing a real-life use for the little bit of Russian I learned about 30 years ago! It's the only other language my Ukrainian neighbour speaks. I no longer have enough knowledge to make conversation or even string a sentence together apart from "I don't understand" and we're mostly conversing via a translation app for Ukrainian into my country's language and vice versa, but sometimes my Russian knowledge does come in handy! :) This makes me happy.
And another Good Thing connected to that: A tiny little bit of my Russian knowledge is returning, which is kind of cool. I do know that if I have to speak or read French - a language I used to speak and write fluently - more and more will come back to me the more I speak/read/listen though nothing like the fluency I used to have. But Russian I learnt for only a year and I only ever spoke it in the classroom which is a whole different ball game. I hadn't been expecting to remember more and more words. A pleasant surprise rather than all that other nasty stuff that comes up from the depths in my traumatised brain.

First the good stuff: I had my first appointment with a new occupational therapist today. I'm really impressed and relieved at the way he listened to me, let me speak without interrupting to ask what I call 'dumb' questions e.g. "Yeah but why can't you do xy?" I don't want to write any other examples, I notice it's kind of triggering.

He listened attentively to what I said about my particular 'brand' of cptsd (I mean, how it makes functioning so difficult for me) and also my dissociative disorder and in what way occupational and/or art therapy help me. They even help me process trauma a little bit - I yawn a lot - and when I feel safe and secure, Inner Parts will come up to the surface and 'let' me know what's so difficult. Then I can usually sense a bit of what they need to hear from me e.g. one time it was explaining that putting pressure on an object in order to fix it is quite different from breaking an object in a fit of rage (something that M did in my childhood) or even worse from placing physical pressure on a person to force them to do something. I doubt that the traumas behind that topic are properly dealt with but as time has passed since that particular appointment, I've been more able to apply a bit of pressure to an object or to animal in order to fix something or to give my pets their medication for instance. I have to be able to hold my little fur babies still while I administer medication. Fur Babies don't like it but it has to be done. It used to take aaaaaaaages which was stressful for them and me. There are all sorts of examples like that, waiting to be eased at least, so I can function better day-to-day.

Instead of asking me what my goal is, occ. T asked if I can think of any project I'd like to bring to work on in the following weeks. I mentioned one I was working on during inpatient stay, he OK'd it and I'll start on it again next week.

To summarise: he accepted me, my 'diagnosis' of myself and of my problems, but also my strengths and resiliences that I've built up over the years.
He also complimented me a few times on e.g. the amount of healing work I've obviously done in order to get where I am now :) and how clearly and succinctly I was able to explain to him what I need. Not even in my inpatient stay did anybody say anything that complimentary right at the beginning! I have a very good feeling and am looking forward to starting T with him next week :)

Less pleasant: my new LL came by yesterday to speak to me about the garden/yard. Let's just say his priorities are quite different from mine. It's now his property, so I suppose he has a right to tell me what I need to clear up and clean up. It seems he'd like all my flowers and berry bushes in orderly rows and that's not quite how mine grow. Wild flowers seem more or less repugnant to him. Also apparently the grass has to be mown once a week, which is not what I do either. Among other things, not cutting so often helps to stop the lawn from drying out and needing to be watered. But I've just digressed into explaining. So let's just say my gardening is insect-friendly, bee-friendly, bird-friendly, and those 'weeds' - in spring and early summer I actually eat them and so do my fur babies. I also enjoy all the different sounds and scents and colour in the garden. Not so LL.
So he was saying - look at this bed here, it's chaos. Me: those are my raspberry plants. Him: Yes, but my wife would have a word or two to say if I left the garden in that state. Me: Excuse me, but I have just been in an inpatient stay for 3 months and so of course I wasn't looking after my beds during that time! Him: You're back now. You must have some 'recreation' time in which to clear up these beds.

Part of that latter bit is cluelessness on his part. He probably doesn't know that I will never be discharged in a particularly healthy state and that in the first few weeks of being home, clearing up the garden isn't even possible, never mind a priority. Pretty galling for me though is the state of the house in general inside in various corners where nobody ever cleaned and where some tenants stack who knows what and previous LL (who's friends / business partner with the new one) knew that and would say things like 'I've told the tenant to remove that' in my hearing but actually never did bother enforcing it. Not to mention all that stuff with my business neighbour and the shared toilet and then that I was meant to share my power meter  with business neighbour to his benefit with LL 'informing' me via business neighbour or not at all. Previous LL acted abominably towards me through all that, and it went on for months. The toilet problem lasted more than a year, in fact it's not really over with, I had to speak to business neighbour about the state of the toilet again today. No help towards me through all of that, more like harassment through neighbour and LL just ignoring me, lying to me - the whole run around. And now all of a sudden: the way I garden is the big issue.

On top of that, new LL put a letter in all our letter boxes today, informing us that he's designated one person in the building as caretaker, a paid caretaker that is, and we tenants are going to pay the costs of that. About €2000 per year divided round everybody in the building - 6 units if the caretaker-tenant has to pay a share or 5 units if he doesn't. Two of those units are mine, so I'm presuming I'll have to pay for each, so over €600 a year for things I've been doing in the building for years as an unpaid cleaning lady and caretaker. Sure, I never mowed the lawn weekly, but I did lots of cleaning that nobody else did - floors etc., the outside steps and then less 'obvious' things a couple of times a year like doors where somebody dribbled something or dripped their coffee over etc. and through all the early Corona time when it was said that door handles, stair rails, light switches etc. should be disinfected daily, I was doing that and I was the only one in the building doing it.
I do intend to speak to new LL again, but it's pretty galling to me that somebody is actually already being paid and certainly does not clean the stairwell once a week, which he's meant to. In fact I had to speak to him several times in December and January and even February - I was back home for a few hours from inpatient stay - just to get him to do the floor we both live on. Where there is no caretaker, it's just normal in this country that you do it turn-about - and he had all these excuses, and it was soooo dirty. And I was about to collapse during that whole time and nobody cared enough to even do their own cleaning far less help me! And now somebody is to be paid for this and I have to fund a good part of it.

I didn't intend to write so much but it just all came out. Thanks for reading if you managed.
Nobody should feel they 'ought' to read this! Way too long for most people.

It wasn't too long, BB, and I enjoyed reading about what's going well and what isn't.  :grouphug:

I'm really surprised that the new LL is harassing you about the garden? That's so strange that he would do that, to me at least it feels so out of line! Especially since it is a garden that you keep and tend!

The occupational therapist sounds amazing though. I'm so happy you are working with someone so complimentary and positive, and I'm impressed how much understanding you have about the dissociation now too. That seems very helpful for eventual healing.

hi blueberry,   i hope tomorrow is a great day for you.

Thanks Larry :)

Today, 16th June is being a lovely day, lots on account of work I've done in the past to find and build on different forms of resiliency. For example, I spent a lot of work, effort and even money learning how to sing at all rather than keeping my mouth firmly closed although wanting to sing with others in groups where people sing for pleasure, around the campfire kind-of-thing. Luckily for me, no religious or spiritual abuse in my past and I've got as far as singing in a church choir. Today is a religious holiday with a few hours singing in the morning. A number of hours later and I'm still singing in my head.  :)

According to Pete Walker, I suffered from religious/spiritual neglect though. If anybody is interested in what that is, check his "Thriving" book. I can't explain it in words w/o ruining my lovely day.

Enjoy that singing on your head and the buoyancy. Great job investing in that self care and leaning on it.  :cheer:

Sometimes you just gotta go with the music that's in you.   :hug:

Thank you CactusFlower and Armee :hug: :hug:  Buoyancy is a good word for the state I'm in atm, thanks for giving me that ;)

___________________________
Today I felt proud of myself for the amount of healing I've reached. I mean in general looking back over the course of the past 20 odd years, rather than just during last inpatient stay.

And I said it out loud: I'm proud of all my progress :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

You deserve to feel proud. You earned that through a lot of hard work and perseverance.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  love and hugs, blueberry.  so great! :hug:

 :cheer: :cheer: Go you! You've done so much and come so far. :)   hugs

Ah, I see CF. So maybe that's why I seem to need a little break in which I feel I'm doing nothing but roaming uselessly round the Internet, pulling my hair out and not doing anything I ought to be doing. Though I did teach one person this morning

Sometimes simply writing a bit on here helps me snap out of whereever-I-am, come back to planet Earth and get on with things. I am sort of accepting myself in this condition though.

actually, blueberry, i agree w/ CF.  i think these setbacks we experience every so often are basically us falling back on old coping skills for a bit.  they're known, in some ways comforting in their familiarity, and are what got us thru some of the worst times of our lives.  the fact that you have come as far as you have, done as much work on yourself as you did can bring you into an uncomfortable place.  it seems unusual that we wouldn't fall back on old habits to help us make transitions at times.

i'm glad you're beginning to accept yourself in this condition, tho.  acceptance is the first step, no?  love and a hug filled w/ self-acceptance. :hug:

Agreed, it's often very hard for us to see our own progress. I had a mentor once who had  fun thing she called "credit report". Unlike the icky financial version, you write up all the things you accomplished that day/week/whatever, no matter how small. Did you brush your teeth? Give yourself credit. Got out of bed? Give yourself credit. I know I was often surprised to see I'd done more than I thought. We're often too close to see the change for ourselves. Gentle hugs and we're always here for you!

You really do accomplish a lot Blueberry, even with this constellation of difficulty. I feel the same. I stand around trying to soothe myself somehow by connecting with people who unserstand how hard this is. And while it feels like I'm wasting time....I'm probably not.

I can't quite put my finger on why this site has been so healing for me, but it's much more helpful than people telling me that I'm really smart and doing so much and need to have better confidence. That just made things worse. Pulling your hair...I know how much time those "repetitive behaviors" take up while you're in those trances. It sucks and doesn't feel productive at all. I've been there, I still go there. I hate to think how many hour of my life I've wasted doing the same. Ugh. It's gotten a lot better in the past few months but not because I've beat myself into having will power over it. It seems to be a result of finally healing stuff. It just fell into place. I still lapse some when triggered but less often and less bad.

Acceptance really does seem to help the process.

Big accepting hugs to you Blueberry. You did a lot straight out of inpatient and have stressful landlord stuff you are dealing with, on top of teaching and caring for yourself. It's a lot.   :grouphug:

Thanks Armee for your post, it helps. :hug:
Thanks CF for your idea. I'm giving myself credit for getting out of bed this afternoon and staying out, finally showering and washing my hair, collecting my bank statement, stopping by the neighbourhood pantry and getting some lettuce, doing 2 loads of laundry and starting to hang them up now, spending a couple of hours cutting things back in the garden/yard as requested by LL / some of it I had been intending anyway.

There ya go!  That's a heck of a lot more than I got done, LOL. Hope the garden stuff went well.

Yes, Armee :hug: being here is healing of and in itself. Somehow though it didn't help me write how it was yesterday and still is today.
Today I did zero except lie around on my bed reading and occasionally getting up to feed FurBabies. I ate some cucumber too while I was about it.

My head is full of ideas but not putting any of it into action. Then there are parts of me who don't want to do anything, just want to give up. Doing more of that than anything else.

So what's up? Realisations about FOO. They've been going on for a few weeks now. Re. money. I think maybe enF did want me to have some but he's getting more and more forgetful and M is taking over. And although we've been thru all this before - B1 and B2 might need some later altho they're not particularly needy atm, M is coming up with more instances of their future neediness - university fees for their kids when they're that far along. Despite the fact that both Bs and SILs have professional, high-earning jobs and SILs' families are rolling in it... Still keeping money aside for that is more important than keeping me off welfare or just plain old being straight with me. Besides that, M says things like she's sure both Bs would help me out if I needed it financially. Oh really?? My parents have refused to put any of this on paper though the discussion has been going on on-and-off for about 6 years now. Also there are no-strings-attached as they assured me. Actually there are ropes attached. M also writes things like I shouldn't give up FurBabies for lack of money - she and F would send me some - w/o realising or caring that going on welfare would make that inevitable. I'd have to move to a smaller place and I wouldn't have the space for them. Or for my office for that matter. Nor would I be able to receive any money as gifts, just the rules.

I also don't really feel up to working atm tho I am teaching but not sending my bills out. I agreed to do a translation contract with another freelancer and unfortunately the clients agreed on our prices. Well, at least the other freelancer is doing most of the contract and if I ask her, she'd take my bits on too.

My appt with occup. T last week wasn't particularly good. Cognitively he had seemed to understand the week before but putting it into practice was another matter. Didn't go well. The following day I had an appt with a doc I've known a long, long time. He took a whole hour to talk to me, which was very generous. His final question made me feel as if I'm lazy, which I told him, but also said I knew he didn't mean it that way, which he didn't. It was a question to make me think a little, lead me on to new discoveries about myself, but I haven't discovered further. Though there's still time for that.

This coming week on Tues. I have an appt with a new trauma T. That's probably contributing to my anxiety, which is making me feel like giving up. It's like before my godson came last September for a few days - just cowered on my bed not doing anything despite nice summer weather.

It's not surprising my parents are getting awkward about money because as far as they're concerned I'm not treating them well, with my VVVLC. Not that my Bs treat them particularly well either, particularly B1. And SIL2 takes over from B2 so he doesn't have to give up status of GC. This new idea of M's about keeping back money for the grandchildren's higher education is likely to have come from SIL2. She's likely feeding poison into the family about me. Not that I can change anything. But I've heard her on other occasions. I think she's as big a Narc as M.

Hm. Good things: For the past few days I've been eating little strawbs in my garden and they're quite sweet compared to some years. There must be more but that's all I can think of.

 gentle hugs Blueberry, if helpful.

It'd be very stressful...distressing...to me to get started with a new trauma T, too.

Your FOO.  How they are treating you makes me feel mad and sad.

Thank you Armee.

Reading your message and then my own title helps. What I have not been doing is really accepting myself. I have been accepting that I'm not doing much atm but not accepting the feelings behind that, which include overwhelm. Not that that's an emotion. But I do feel overwhelmed.

I'm also pulling back, pulling way, way back. Like not really using the garden because of problems with LL and garden. Instead of using and enjoying the garden while I still can. I also didn't go to choir service on Sunday because our choir director said last Tues. during practice that I was singing too low. Today I met a choir mbr and she said that was only in one hymn, so no need to have stayed at home.

Plus I really needed to get help with my computer last week or at the latest Mon this week but I still haven't. Signed up for an online course all week next week - I signed up while I was in inpatient treatment assuming I'd be well enough to join in by now. I'm not though. I wanted to join this year because next year it might not be online anymore and would entail travelling and all those additional costs. But in other ways it might have been better for me to not be online. Or by next year, I might have known that it was a pie-in-the-sky idea anyway. However that can't be changed now. It's way too late to back out.

This too shall pass, I remind myself. But not usually without my taking some concrete steps e.g. getting help with computer, even getting help signing up for the online course next week. There are about 12 steps involved and I'm just :stars:

blueberry, you are dealing w/ so much right now, what with FOO, financial stress for future, lack of energy, overwhelm (which always drains me of energy) work, new trauma T, and on and on.  it's an awful lot. 

the strawberries sounded delicious!!!

sending you love and a hug filled with a bit of sorting through priorities. :hug:

Thank you san. I am dealing with or actually meant to be dealing with a lot atm.

I'm doing round about zero and at best want to just give everything up. Not life, but more or less everything else. Somebody else deal with all this please.

LL came around today and it was more or less the last straw. He refuses 'to get involved with' the toilet dispute between me and business neighbour. It's not his business. If we can't 'agree', he'll block the room up. Plus he's going to mow the yard to his taste, which I'm not going to like, he says. I've already cut some stuff back, as in might as well put some flowers in my vases before I lose the whole plant.

LL asked to come into my office today 'just to look around'. I allowed that, though I wouldn't for my apartment because I know he has to give notice. Now LL is complaining about the mess in my basement section and in his head undoubtedly about my office. I feel spied on and as if things I care about are being taken from me.

I have a translation due next week and at least I've got a colleague to take it on for me.
I have a spot in a lit. translation seminar next week, one I registered for in March/April assuming I'd be well enough by now. But I'm not. I haven't even managed to work out the software though somebody is dropping by tomorrow to do that.

FOO celebration is on the weekend and tho I'm obviously not going just the knowledge of that is probably triggering.
Somewhere in my own mess, it would be good to pull forth the adult in me who's in charge.

I'm not going to do anything to myself, but I do feel like throwing in the towel. However. I am NOT going to do anything to myself. If I had an inkling that way, I'd go to one of my docs instead. Might go anyway. But the only thing they could do would be either say: OK, psycho hospital or 'let's see, what's the easiest beneficial thing you could do for yourself?'

Nobody on here needs to get worried, nothing you can do anyway except stand with me, as I do for some of you in bad times. I'll go to a meet-up now where we play games and drink tea etc.

Standing here with you, sad that your new LL is messing with your garden.

Having the impending FOO event occurring would be very triggering. Even though you are not going, they are imposing on your mind right now because of it. 

I don't know if your request still stands...to point out when you might be in an EF, as a result of these challenging and triggering things? It sounds like you might be very aware of that posssibility since you mentioned how helpful it would be to call forward the adult part.

Either way, thank you for letting us stand here with you through this very difficult stretch and going to the games and tea hangout sounds like the best way to care for yourself today.

(Gentle accepting hugs, Blueberry)

Dear Blueberry,
I am also standing with you, and sending you caring thoughts and hugs, if they are ok for you.   :hug:  I hope you're enjoying the cards and games afternoon.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope and Armee for accepting me, standing with me, sending hugs and caring.

You're right Armee, it's likely to be a massive EF.

Leaving it would require me to want to feel responsible for myself and take some steps and it's as if I don't want to be responsible! I don't want to be an Adult! But who is to be if I'm not?? I obviously don't want to go through what that entails - signing pieces of paper to say I'm no longer a compos mentis adult and somebody else had better come and make all my decisions. Anyway those rhetorical questions aren't specially helpful atm. 

Sending lots of hugs. There's lots of hurt and loss to be protected from right now..  maybe the parts that are putting on the brakes are just trying to protect you from the pain.

Good idea, Armee. Pain protection.  :hug:

I got an appt at psych doc's in 1 and a half hours. Which is good. Teaching an exam candidate this morning, before that.
Will manage but everything else is too much :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

Why oh why does LL have to come and start stressing?? Next he'll invent some excuse to see my apt, which is total chaos. I just don't think any of that (mess, chaos) is relevant when I feel like this.

Anyway, just got to hold out for 2 hours, some of which I'll spend teaching one-on-one.

Gentle hugs, blueberry, and wishing you the energy you need to deal with stuff.

Thank you CF :hug:

Psych doc wrote an extra prescription and is trying to get me additional therapy. Idk if 'social therapy' exists in English, but it would be somebody to actually come to me in my apt and help me sort my priorities out. The inpatient place suggested that initially and I suppose psych doc now sees the need. That's OK with me because everything feels way too much atm.

Also I have contrary impulses. Partially I'd like to give up my self-employed status - I'm clearly out of my depth with everything that it involves. otoh that's likely to see me dropping into a big, black hole of: what am I going to do otherwise? Have fun? Stop struggling so much maybe. Do a huge clear-out and then see where I am or what makes sense to do?

On the plus side today, a computer guy came round and sorted some stuff out. Among other things he discovered what had been preventing spam emails from being filtered out properly. Since I was getting about 200 spams a day despite the 'usual things' you do to stop them, I was constantly feeling overwhelmed and missing important non-spam. It's not as if I hadn't tried before to find a way to stop them. Now finally :cheer:

I know you 'shouldn't' feel overwhelmed about spam but what if you do? And I did. It was just one other thing of 'too much'. I realise - and said to psych doc this morning - that if I wasn't ill, all these small things like LL and too much spam wouldn't get to me.

But it is what it is. I have what I have.

blueberry, sorry i'm late to this, but, as always, i'm standing with you, supporting you.  you sound overwhelmed.  too much.  sending love and a caring, gentle hug :hug:

Thank you, san :hug: I am overwhelmed. Totally.

Good things today: Lying in bed dozing and gazing out at a big tall spire of flowers, called 'mullein' if I'm not mistaken.
Watching FurBabies.
I cleared out a few things e.g. books to neighbourhood book shelf.
I was outside briefly and noticed it was worth the effort. I felt better immediately.

______
I'm pretty sure I'm in a massive EF. Also that if I'm not a difficult person per se, that it IS difficult to get on with me so no wonder I always end up in a position of fighting and people are either trying to show me some truths or just laying down the law like LL. I don't think it's fair, what he is doing, but to point that out would sound childish. And it wouldn't help at all.

My blackcurrants are mostly ripe so I'm going to go and pick them.

gentle hugs, Blueberry.

It sounds like nature is a very comforting place for you lately. I'm glad you're able to get outside and it feels helpful for you. I think it would be lovely to look out of a window and see lots of flowers. :)

Side note: Mullein has been used historically as an expectorant and for asthma. Those tall flower spikes can be dried and if the tops are soaked in wax, were known as "miner's torches". haven't tried that myself, but the tea has eased a sore throat.

Thank you CF :hug:

Part of me would like to put a large building skip outside apt/office and throw everything in. Everything, even non-objects like teaching. That part of me is probably a part who has been telling me for years that I just can't. That it is time to accept my disability status and go focus on things that take less out of me than teaching and translating.

Nonetheless I taught this morning and note I can do it. So I'm thinking that instead of throwing my teaching out now, I will agree to myself and Parts to give it up but I will see if I can keep going with my present students till - at the latest - the final weeks in my office. Among other things, I'll still be earning some money. Well anyway I've put it out there for myself rather than for anybody else.

On and off I remind myself that I am making these decisions FOR me. There's still so much FOO dysfunction in me, e.g. it's a fight and if you 'lose' as I have apparently done in the building where I live, then it's terrible, terrible and psychologically-annihilating. Since 'psychological' doesn't exist in FOO, it's just plain annihilating. But there's no loss here, as in 'I lost' because I'm moving out of this fight with LL and business neighbour. Whatever they think to themselves is irrelevant. I am making these steps FOR me. New thoughts, new ideas. Putting into practice what might have been touched on a bit in inpatient. I'm doing it for me! More thoughts and realisations that I can't put into words. Not yet.

Change is painful. But I will live through it and come out the other side stronger.

i'm just loving your attitude, blueberry.  doing things for YOU no matter what others might think is, to me, huge.  i'm just so sorry you're still having LL problems - that's been going on for years.  one long battle by itself, let alone anything else.  exhausting.

i'm with you on the nature thing - it's a balm to my soul.  and those black currants sound yummy!  keep taking care of you as best you  can.  it's good enough, and so are you.  sending love and a  hug filled w/ acceptance. :hug:

I appreciate you sharing your journey Blueberry as I am finding myself in a similar place with the educating role I work in.  It takes a toll that I'm not sure is worth it in the long run.  It helps me to know others are navigating these questions too.  I resonate with the acknowledgment that change is painful, even if the change is positive. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 02, 2022, 02:13:28 PM
keep taking care of you as best you  can.  it's good enough, and so are you.  sending love and a  hug filled w/ acceptance. :hug:

Thank you san so much. This is what I need at the moment. And I know that when it's written here on the forum that it's true and heartfelt.

No matter how much I've been contributing to my own pain by acting out of Parts, I'm accepted by people like you and then that helps me accept myself too.

I think the LL problems come partially because I'm acting out of a younger Part. In fact, I think business neighbour and I are both doing that. So LL thinks to himself "enough of this!" and takes steps to shut us both up. And I'm working on staying with "I'm doing this for me, what those two think is irrelevant."

I'm also focussing on what does me good? And taking steps to carry that out. Went for a little cycle and dropped in on a couple of people where I can do that. I didn't have the wherewithal to phone in advance. Looked at both their gardens, smelt their flowers and in one case just sat, being accepted. I went to church this evening. Singing does me good but also some of what I hear along the lines of forgiveness etc does me good. I grew up learning self-damnation for anything and everything and I'm now learning that that isn't the Christian message. Or I think it's a Part that's learning it. Cognitively I knew. Almost nobody condemns me as much as I condemn myself.

I have 2 books to work through recommended to me by my inpatient T and I need to make time to work through them. One is the mindful self-compassion book and one is on reuniting dissociated parts (or something like that). I did work with the latter a bit in inpatient but not much since I got home. Having collapsed again 6-7 weeks after I came home, I obviously need to do some major changes. One is: go through with closing business . Go through with it while I still can manage. Even that is a bit iffy atm. There's paper work still to do and to find as well. Every time I sit down to do something, I tend to leap up and start doing something else. Walk into a room but decide halfway there to go somewhere else etc. I've been in these phases before, but know that this too will pass. Another major change is really taking the time now to toss out what's not doing me good (whether material or otherwise) and keep going back to: What does me good? And then part of that is obviously: working, really working on self-healing.

I don't like to feel, but I'm managing now. And then move onto more healing steps. To my T of the past 5 years I once said that I have to work on myself, no choice. He said I actually do have a choice since lots of people don't work on themselves. But I now also have the choice to say: I want to really work on looking at things and changing things so I don't move more and more into a bitter, embittered, quarrelsome woman. Or I could say to not allow that particular Part of me to take control of everything and all my life. I need to accept that Part instead of pushing her away and then further steps which I can't even write down rn. But this would all be work in T anyway, or homework from T.

rainydiary, I think any kind of work is likely to take a toll on me until I've sorted myself out better. Done the healing steps instead of running away from them. And knowing that could take a couple of years.  I hope it's not that bad for you.

Blueberry, I appreciate what you are noticing.  I hope that you have the space to explore and heal and identify what will be supportive.

Blueberry, thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are doing a lot of work, but I do see positive things in your posts. I hope you share about the books if they end up working well for you.

I had a thought as I read your post. I've done choral singing in the past as well. Perhaps the singing in a group helps because your mind is being given a great example of parts that work together to create a working whole? (now I can't believe I haven't thought of this before, lol) That it's teaching you parts can be good when they work right?  Just a little thought. :)

Hi Blueberry,
I am also very grateful to you for sharing your experiences, as I feel like I've been able to learn a lot from coming alongside you and listening to you.  I am intrigued about the book titles you've been recommended - and especially the one about parts, as I am using parts related information and finding it helpful so far.  If you feel ok to share the book titles, I'd love to know what they are.  But only if you feel ok to do so of course.

I hope they are helpful to you.

Hope  :)

Good Things today:
I finally got up
I got on with more clear-out of books and papers
I went to a bake sale in support of something good (in my eyes of course), had a delicious slice of cake and a cold drink. Did find a spot to sit at and make small talk with other people instead sitting by myself or 'needing' somebody to hook me up with other people. That helped me come back into functioning adult of today.
In the evening coolness I did some work in my garden - cutting things back, rooting things up, enjoying what's flowering. Enjoying my garden before I lose all or most of it.


I put my Little Furries out while gardening. I'm glad I did that because they enjoy it. Then it helps me to feel the joy at doing something nice for somebody else, even if that 'somebody else' is a pet not a person. It shows me there's love in my heart buried under all the aggression and fighting with myself and fighting with others.

It's no surprise but I discovered today how useful it is to cut out the rumination by doing concrete things e.g. tearing up papers and throwing them out, working in the garden, sitting watching my Little Furries running around, especially the youngest with his boundless energy.

I also remembered that dwelling on my realisations about my own behaviour, feeling shame, wanting to cut myself off from society (because of feeling so bad about how I'm treating others and how I'm reacting etc etc) are NOT useful. Nobody close to me thinks that badly of me. Realisations are good. Then take steps to alter things. I also have a choice about whether to lambast myself about what were possibly bad choices or just move on and try to make better choices for myself (and possibly for others) in future.

i think being able to see choices is very good, blueberry.  helpful.  well done for getting up and accomplishing all you did.  i see real progress in this, even if only for one day.  you looked at choices and made decisions, concrete decisions.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

congrats on being able to do things and more getting out in nature! That's cool that the little furries were with you. I really think pets can help a lot, as their affection is an honest one. There are definitely times when my cats sense I'm not at my best and they hang around more, rub against me more, help distract me, etc.

And even when gardens are done for the year and everything looks dormant, it's resting and repairing, enjoying a lull before springing up again.

Gentle hugs if you want them!

Thank you CF, hugs are helpful atm.

Quote from: CactusFlower on July 04, 2022, 03:14:24 PM
And even when gardens are done for the year and everything looks dormant, it's resting and repairing, enjoying a lull before springing up again.

Unfortunately LL wants my garden to look like his ideal so that the property is more marketable. Not that he has even started building additional apartments in the attic space, nor got one tenant in the building to clear said space (2 whole storeys - the building is a couple of centuries old) which is full to the brim with her stuff. He or his builders can't start before the other tenant clears the space, but never mind that, my beds have to conform to his ideas  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: Even if I am triggered into past FOO stuff, it feels to me as if he wants to break my will-power, he wants to break the limits I've set to others in the bldg although there has mostly been a reason for me to set those limits. My limits may be unorthodox or some people e.g. business neighbour think WTA$%§? But when he asks me why I don't want something to occur, he runs away swearing as soon as he hears the first syllable. It's like I'm not supposed to have a reason. But I do.

So anyway, expecting LL to come in and cut back and/or completely remove plants in my beds some time or other. Or more likely he'll send some company in and tell them to raze my beds completely. Whereas I'd like to know: why can't I enjoy the flowers and produce before half the garden/yard turns into a building site sometime this summer or fall anyway?? LL refuses to be specific with dates, saying that he won't find out himself till the building company turns up with the scaffolding. That is not true - because how is the building company going to enter the back yard/garden w/o a key to the building?? But I know once I've written that that I'm slipping back into FOO argumentation. Finding loopholes in the logic is what FOO likes to do and did to me. But my finding loopholes in their logic never helped anything. My recent inpatient therapy would tell me that a Part is going ballistic because of being reminded of how FOO operates. So it's up to my Adult of today to calm and soothe that Part (those Parts) and tell them that time has moved on - really! LL does have the power to hinder my enjoyment of things like my garden but he is not all-powerful. He can't take away my life, he can't barge in in the night, in fact he can't barge in at all because my apt door is locked, he can't attack me physically. He doesn't govern what I think of myself or what other people do. So good to go back to soothing my Part(s) - there may be different ages involved here - instead of holding a one-sided debate with LL in my head.

It really helps me to write about what I'm telling my Parts because addressing them 'head-on' so to speak tends to be 'too much' for them and me. So I have to go in at an oblique angle.

Anyway, I actually intended to write someting quite different before I side-tracked myself.

I am so glad and so proud of myself that I went ahead with a training course in translation today. I've been registered for a few months now, sure that I'd be well enough again by now. Last week I thought of backing out at the last minute though I wouldn't have got any money out of it. Last night I considered backing out again but this morning I eventually dragged myself out of bed and was a mere 10 minutes late (computer froze). And wow! I could keep up with the others, did make some valuable contributions, felt full of energy and am no longer thinking that I hate and dread translation. None of this means that I'm taking up a career in literary translation - it's early days as yet - but it shows me more that I've been pursuing the wrong type of translation all this time and how frustrating that has been for me. And although I realise that the EFs I pretty constantly land in which tend to have me either fighting about seemingly nothing or cringeing in fear to the point of paralysis are a pretty big hindrance to most progress - whether career or friendships or volunteer work or self-care or pet care - alongside them I still have talent and creativity waiting to be released and grow. Sorry for run-on sentences and lack of paras, but this stuff is just flowing out of me tonight!

I also believe that it's paramount for me to continue the trauma therapy I started inpatient and move everything else onto the back-burner - especially making money because it stresses me no end! Now how to put that to FOO who pretend to care and don't want me to go short but then come up with all sorts of 'buts' they hadn't thought of before, and are full of contradictions despite their oh so high intellectual intelligence (versus what they think of my intelligence) :pissed:

It's hard for me to write that I think trauma therapy has to move to top priority, above earning money. But I've tried the other so long and it just has not worked.

 :hug: :hug:

 :hug: :hug:

Sorry your LL is like that. He sounds like a whiny control freak, honestly. I used to work with someone relatively similar and I don't miss them, that's for sure.

Congrats on enjoying the translation course! Hugs for defining your boundaries and prioritizing. It's definitely not easy, but it sounds like you're getting better at it. :)

Thanks CF. I have some of the control freak in me, it's part of the hypervigilance. So it seems that maybe LL is getting back at me for that / giving me a drop of my own medicine? Not that his behaviour makes anything any better in this building - on the contrary.

It's good I came back here to read this morning though because I see my words of yesterday: soothe Part(s), don't engage with LL in my head. I woke up engaging with LL in my head.  :thumbdown:

____

I do feel better at accepting myself though. Some of that comes from the healthy emotional state at the lit. translation workshop, which is going on all week. I do much better in a situation where there are healthy boundaries already and/or a common focus.
Yesterday I mentioned that I'm a slow worker but I was corrected on that: "No, you're meticulous." Which is true.  And that automatically feels better :)

Ha! On and off today I have felt hopping mad about LL and about FOO. The anger is good because it is giving me energy to do useful things e.g. washing huge pile of dishes, walking much more quickly than usual, tidying things away in bits of spare time around my lit. translation workshops. Yesterday I was sleeping an utterly exhausted sleep in those bits of spare time.

Realisations too about how absolutely galling both LL and FOO's behaviour towards me is. Even worse than I thought just yesterday.

I like Sherman Alexie's novel "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian", where Junior's basketball coach tells him to take his tendency to throw up before games and just get mad and take that into the game. That's how I feel today - I'm really mad, just raging, and I'm taking that energy for me and turning it into something positive!

Metaphorically-speaking, I am continuing to spit with rage  about FOO / LL / business neighbour's treatment of me. Sometimes there's a glint of some Inn.Cr. saying "You shouldn't have told LL this, or reacted that way to bus.neighbour...". However basically my T of the past 5 years was correct - all of these people have an awful lot to answer for. Even if I had cowed down in my bldg or in FOO and said zero, that wouldn't have stopped their appalling behaviour towards me (e.g. see bus.neighbour and toilet issues - or FOO and gaslighting for decades) and it wouldn't have made me healthy. On the contrary. I spoke up at the last FOO event (Horrendous Event no. 2) because I knew I couldn't be there safely. Either speak up or go back home. Or as turned out: speak up, be gaslighted etc, go home. Oops there I go defending myself again. What do they say on OOTF? Don't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain!

Decades of keeping my anger in has caused untold amounts of psychosomatic pain and physical weakness - in my whole body from childhood onwards. The pain has been mostly gone for a few years now. Just in the past couple of days something like the weakness (though not quite) seems to have been lifting :cheer: I notice this through my ability and even need to walk fast to complete small errands around town. So maybe just 3-4 mins. of zooming along. Idk where this is coming from but for 20+ years, my pace has been slow. Learning pace, walking pace, thinking pace - everything. With some aspects I've been slow for ever - well since childhood, pre-teens. And now suddenly I'm typing far faster than normal, thinking faster, walking faster, making decisions faster. Maybe it's not the physical weakness primarily that has lifted? Maybe it's the physical and mental paralysis? I have a lot of Freeze response, also since pre-teens.

And to go back to Inn.Cr. - somebody else with a different past and/or pace of healing probably could've reacted (somewhat?) differently toward LL, FOO etc. but I'm not that person! I'm me, with all that entails. Quite probably with strengths and talents that this fictional person has never even heard of. I'm not by nature defective. I'm ME! Growing, developing and turning into somebody far 'more' than FOO could ever imagine and far more than I ever envisaged either. I'm interested to see how far I can develop and in what direction(s) - emotionally, intellectually, psychologically.

I feel flabbergasted at what all has just flowed partially from my subconscious. But I am leaving it up. And not adding the spooked icon, b/c just a tiny bit of me wants to put that in, not most of me.

Quote from: Hope67 on July 03, 2022, 05:37:24 PM
  I am intrigued about the book titles you've been recommended - and especially the one about parts, as I am using parts related information and finding it helpful so far.  If you feel ok to share the book titles, I'd love to know what they are.  But only if you feel ok to do so of course.

The books are: The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin NEff and Christopher Germer which I even have in English!

The one about the Parts: Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation by Suzette Boon et.al. which I have in translation, so not English. Wish I'd taken the English now but it was slightly more expensive. However...

Still channelling my anger and disgust with FOO, LL etc into energy I can tap and use! :)                         :cheer:

:party:
                                                                                         :boogie:            :witch:

it sounds so good to me about feeling that anger, blueberry.  it sounds like it's helping you, too.  very glad for you.  love and hugs :hug:

Hugs, blueberry! I'm impressed you're channeling that anger  to get stuff done. Sounds like lots of progress there. :)

Thanks  :) :grouphug:  It's tons of progress. And what's more, it's happening of its own accord so to speak. This is not the type of thing I can force. It's like a dam burst this week. All of a sudden I can type way faster and better, I can write on here or an email w/o second-guessing myself on every third word, I walk quickly around town w/o thinking about it or pushing myself to do so. Today I have been rushing partially b/c so much going on today, but the big thing is: I can rush w/o it triggering a trauma response. For decades it triggered a trauma response - I realise this now. I did realise before now that rushing didn't do me any good and that as of some point during my years of reacovery and therapy I haven't been able to do it, but now - boom! Rushing has caused a trauma response since some time in childhood or teens. And today! Big reduction in that.

I've just been cooking up food that's been lying around needing to be used for quite a while - it hasn't gone bad yet but definitely needed to be used. Previously food used to sometimes go to waste (even tho that's totally against my green/eco thinking) because I was given it by someone from their garden or picked it myself and didn't have the wherewithal to even wash it never mind prepare or preserve in some form. It's not because I realise I need to budget better b/c of FOO shenanigans and LL shenanigans (rent going up in Oct. and next year, additional costs) and also because of rising utilities (see war in Europe and upcoming global environmental concerns) since that cognitive stuff doesn't bring me progress. Cognitive stuff leads to "I should" which not only doesn't work but usually sends me skidding onto my nose.

Aside from cooking - I also washed the dishes, ate of course, and had a full day at my online lit. translation workshop and between that and cooking/eating, I mowed the rest of the lawn and cut back some undergrowth LL had been complaining about and also managed to wrap the long electric cable from teh lawnmower back on the cable drum, a type of activity which is very difficult for me for some trauma-related reasons I'm not clear on. It's 11 pm, I will be turning in for the night shortly but wow! And these changes have been going on since Tuesday and I have no reason to think I will collapse tomorrow either.
Although I say it myself:

                                             :party:           :waveline:                  :fireworks:

right along w/ you, blueberry.   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  pretty amazing!  love and hugs :hug:

Yay Blueberry!!! I'm so inspired by your parts work. But just blown away by the strength in this:

Quote from: Blueberry on July 06, 2022, 07:31:14 PM

And to go back to Inn.Cr. - somebody else with a different past and/or pace of healing probably could've reacted (somewhat?) differently toward LL, FOO etc. but I'm not that person! I'm me, with all that entails. Quite probably with strengths and talents that this fictional person has never even heard of. I'm not by nature defective. I'm ME! Growing, developing and turning into somebody far 'more' than FOO could ever imagine and far more than I ever envisaged either. I'm interested to see how far I can develop and in what direction(s) - emotionally, intellectually, psychologically.

Yes!!!!! X 1000

Also thanks for mentioning the self compassion workbook. My sister-in-law  gave me two self compassion workbooks for my birthday. I think I was triggered by that and shoved them under a pile somewhere but your posts make me need to admit I need to pull them out and do the work. Grumble.

But really phenomenal work Blueberry. I agree that as frustrating as it is, trauma work sometimes needs to come first. We just can't quite do the other stuff in life without healing first, and deserve to heal. It's why I left my job too. I couldn't really do both and I couldn't manage work without healing anymore.

Absolutely wonderful!  :cheer:  :wave:  :hug:  :applause: Sounds like you are doing so well lately. hugs to you!

 :)) :sunny: :excited: :grouphug: as I read all your responses.

Today another inspiring, uplifting and final day at the lit. translation summer school! Towards the end I suddenly conked out. Complete brain block and 10 mins of grounding skills didn't help. But a quick email to the instructor did: "Pls give me an idea how I could use the remaining time to get something out of it for me"! He made a suggestion and it worked! Not only did it help me unblock but I came up with a draft translation of the short piece we had been working on, read it to the group when we re-convened, felt happy about it myself and wasn't ashamed or embarrassed or anything FOO-related like that.

 :applause: Awesome, Blueberry!  I never would have thought about asking the teacher that. Congrats and gentle hugs!

 :cheer:

Congrats on finding a way to speak up for your own needs with the teacher!

And good job completing the course and masterfully pulling yourself out of a difficult EF. Enjoy the day Blueberry!

Thank you both Armee and CF! :hug: :hug:

__________
Another T appt today, same T as last time. I'm pretty much good to stay with her, although we do have a few more trial appts.

From something she said about diss. diagnoses, in particular my one which is called "mixed dissociative disorders" and has its own ICD 10 code number, I had an aha! moment. Or several maybe. I understand now at a deeper level why it has been so important to me up to now to keep working in my profession for money. The other options would be: try and get some sort of p/t thing in some capacity as disabled person, e.g. re-shelving at one local supermarket, or occasionally teach for cash (but that is illegal and I don't want to work illegally actually ) but mostly give up, or teach and arrange for my students to pay to a local charity I like to support where I could maybe get products from them that they 'sell' on a by-donation basis to raise funds, e.g. pots of jam and stuff like that, but basically it would be me not earning what I need, and not trying to get any new students, it would be me enabling 1 or 2 students to continue.

The important thing I realised today is that keeping my little business going - which would include having an office + teaching space outside my personal space (apt) - means supporting my professionally-working Adult of today. It also means supporting the Parts of me (including younger ones) that are bookish and intellectual, but also creative, talented, good-at-my-job, empathetic, interested in the young people I work with and how they develop and how I can help them develop their potential. It includes supporting the Adult of today as she/I integrate/s the talents and interests and growth of younger Parts. There's still a lot of growth going on! Growth that normally would be championed by caring FOO mbrs with average to above average emotional intelligence. T of the past 5 years agreed that I grew up in a family with high intellectual intelligence, but explained that they were way below average in emotional intelligence. They certainly didn't champion my growth (!), and they still don't because it would rock the FOO boat too much.

All this growth is going on - normally growth that would happen in early and later childhood, in early teens, late teens and on up into your 20's and even early 30's maybe. It's all a few decades later-than-normal. But. It would be a good idea to keep going with that and not 'throw in the towel' as far as my working life goes - even though at least Part of me wants to, but I think several Parts for differing reasons. Especially one Part that still feels very close to FOO in the sense that this Part still agrees with a lot of what certain FOO mbrs have said or intimated in the past. For this Part even SIL2 counts as a FOO mbr. - unfortunately SIL2 is treated as one in FOO, she has far more say than she ought to, but also she speaks out different aspects of what M, F, B1 and B2 all agree with, which includes slamming me down. (Wow, more and more became clear while I was writing, esp. about SIL2's influence.)

Another thing which occurred to me today after T appt: I remember in the years after I'd gone back into contact with FOO, B1 used to sometimes make jocular remarks about how I'm similar to M in ways e.g. I appear wary of modern technology. And hahaha isn't that funny that I criticise M and don't get on with her. Today :lightbulb: it's pretty likely that M has a diss diagnosis on top of having what I presume is cptsd. Narc on top of it all probably. So the similarity B1 was seeing is a symptom, it's not the real ME. Might not even be our real M - but the problem in her case is, no one knows who/what the real M is! She hasn't looked at herself, she hasn't worked on herself,  there's no growth!

And it's still important for me to write on here because in doing so I move forwards! I realise things about myself faster than I would otherwise. Somehow, writing on here enables me to make connections in my head. :) Thanks OOTS. :thumbup:

i agree w/ you, blueberry, about how enlightening it can be to write here.  i'm glad you are able to see your way thru the entire employment thing, and what will be in your own best interest.  great insight!  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on July 06, 2022, 07:31:14 PM
And to go back to Inn.Cr. - somebody else with a different past and/or pace of healing probably could've reacted (somewhat?) differently toward LL, FOO etc. but I'm not that person! I'm me, with all that entails. Quite probably with strengths and talents that this fictional person has never even heard of. I'm not by nature defective. I'm ME! Growing, developing and turning into somebody far 'more' than FOO could ever imagine and far more than I ever envisaged either. I'm interested to see how far I can develop and in what direction(s) - emotionally, intellectually, psychologically.

I feel flabbergasted at what all has just flowed partially from my subconscious. But I am leaving it up. And not adding the spooked icon, b/c just a tiny bit of me wants to put that in, not most of me.

Blueberry, I just want to shout, "Yahoo!!!"


:cheer:           :party:        :phoot:          :woohoo:          :yahoo:


:fireworks:                   :fireworks:                  :fireworks:

Thank you so much notalone! It did me a whole load of good to see that quotation from my previous post with your added fireworks and cheerleader and party and everything!

And it continues: today I noticed again how much easier and faster basic meal preparation for myself is. It's often not till something changes for the better that I notice how debilitating my previous state-of-being was. And with meal preparation being so much easier and faster, I notice that my craving for none too healthy food has decreased! Wow. I'd thought that was something I was really going to have to work on sometime. Maybe I still will, but for past few days it's been incredible how those cravings are much reduced.

Yesterday a new adult student inquired about language lessons and today another one did. Things are looking up. I also got a translation inquiry but turned that down :thumbup: Both interested language students are coming this week - sometimes people inquire but they're hesitant - not really interested. These two are though. Not the best time at all to be moving my business back into my apt.

Had a little break there when I went outside to check on the after-effects of some loud vandalism. It's late evening here and something of my business neighbour's has been pretty much broken. I even phoned the police for him! I'm not such a terrible person after all.

Today's been a long day in a good way. I was just thinking (before the vandalism) how it really was just this morning that I was at occup. T! It was much better this time than last time. I have lots of papers and mementoes and pictures - all good stuff, no bad memories - that I want to stick somewhere more permanent such as in a photo album. For some reason, it's very difficult for me to sort them and put them there. Today I was able to do a big lot of sorting at occup. T, some papers I decided were non-keepers and threw them out directly, some I thought I wanted to but started yawning, which means there's a feeling that needs to be looked at, so I kept those too. The other things are mostly also all divided up into different themes. My occup. T said he had the impression I'd managed a lot in the space of time.

Actually before all that I told him what had all been going on these past 10 days or so. In his opinion, it is really important that I keep going with my little business and also to have a long-term goal in mind: literary translation. For everybody in fact, not just me. I used to have rather broad goals like "get healthy", "work again" but I have since discovered that I need much more concrete goals and intermediary goals too (those baby steps). Otherwise if I have no concrete goals, I have no hope! I have no reason to keep going.

QuoteI'm not such a terrible person after all.

no you're not, not by any stretch of my imagination.  this isn't the only good deed you've done, blueberry.  so much more to you than you might realize.  it's prominent to me, tho.

i really like the idea of specific, concrete goals.  it makes total sense to me.  hope it helps you hang one - you're very valuable.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 12, 2022, 09:21:12 PM

QuoteI'm not such a terrible person after all.

no you're not, not by any stretch of my imagination.  this isn't the only good deed you've done, blueberry.  so much more to you than you might realize.  it's prominent to me, tho.

Thank you san :hug:    I did mean it a bit tongue-in-cheek though because business neighbour thinks I'm such a terrible person, a constant pain in the neck etc. But still good for me to hear that it's prominent to you that there's more to me! I guess I am beginning to realise it because I wrote above somewhere that I'm turning into someone way more than FOO ever imagined (or I ever imagined for that matter).

 ;D  big smile for you and all you've become and all you can be, blueberry.  sending love and a hug filled w/ even more of you to be revealed. :hug:

 ;D :excited:  :hug:

yep, (i laughed!) it's all in there!  but it's part of us, the true us, right? we'll get thru what we have to,     :blowup:  manage what we can,   :rundog:   and enjoy our own bright spots. :yahoo:  all we can do, i guess.  love and hugs :hug:

The evening and I'm not feeling too good physically and I think it's because of this https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14857.msg123215#new It's less painful actually but I'm just really tired so I'll be heading to bed quite soon. My throat is a little sore so I'm wondering if that part could be Corona. More and more people are getting infected here again. I'm joining those who are wearing a mask in certain places. I really don't want it on top of everything else.

On the plus side I taught for almost 3 hours today and I taught well. One new student yesterday, one today. It's really hot here but I'm managing the heat better than I used to.

I'm being pretty good with self-care too - that is avoiding movement that exacerbates my pain, which includes bending down to pick FurBaby food or to put my shoes on. So bought FurBaby food and wearing slip-ons or going bare-foot, even outside.

Reading some of your material lately I've noticed what might be said to be a growing sense of a 'bittersweet' reaction towards the bad times (awful as it was/is at times) and how you feel better enabled to find some glimmers of hope that you seem to notice more, along with a quicker turnaround when the dark stuff still threatens.

I've noticed more of the same in my own life. In part I'm just feeding off of one word -- bittersweet. We're not talking about 'silver linings' or other pat cliches people use to gloss over the bitter part. We're talking real transformation where the bitter can't always hide the sweet parts of life, even though it can take some work to find anything truly sweet or good in so much of cptsd. But I think we can find glimmers if we look behind some aspects.

By the way, I've only read a bit of the introductory material so far, but there's a new book by Susan Cain titled "Bittersweet". She seems to have noticed how by including the sweet with the bitter it can start to change one's perspective, even if only in tiny steps at first. I've looked and begun to notice this myself, and see this  reflected in many of your posts as well, Blueberry.  :)

Thank you so much for seeing what you see in my posts and for commenting, woodsgnome! :) I like that idea of 'bittersweet'. There certainly is a quicker turnaround for me these days and I'm glad you notice the same for yourself. There's certainly some recovery going on there! Which is great after so much hard and dark stuff.

Continued stuff with LL, sigh.

I had been doing pretty well with the heat wave, but today was really hard. It was even hotter than yesterday and I had to go to the vet's twice, which meant a walk to and from bus stops in the sun and rides in a somewhat cooler bus though no a/c. At least my little old FurBaby survived and seems on the road to recovery. When I noticed last night that she was having difficulty eating, I rallied my energy and idk will-power and cut minute bits of veg and fed her by hand and then gave her some oatflakes which she ate w/o help, but this morning I was so sluggish and yeah so drained of any emotional energy that I was in give-up mode. I didn't even get up till I was too late for my occup. T appt.

I've been trying to write to FOO about a couple of semi-urgent things for a few days now but I'm not managing. Today while sleeping between vet appointments my dreams were pretty active. It turned out some FOO mbrs and I met up. My little niece/god-daughter was one of them but I just saw her, interaction with her didn't seem possible, which I was sad about. Instead I was interacting with a little boy who could have symbolised my nephew when he was much smaller I suppose.

In the past few days I have been doing a lot of cleaning, especially laundry like some rugs and my bedroom curtains which I probably hadn't washed since moving in here! While they were down, I washed my windows and frames and got into cobwebby corners etc. It looks and feels much better. Other laundry done and hung out to dry - dried in just a couple of hours which is a lovely advantage during a heat wave. 

After my psychotherapy (as opposed to occupational therapy) this morning, I'm not sure this T is a good fit. There are practical ways in which she is, e.g. she's very close by, there's no waiting time (which could actually be a slightly bad sign), she knows the inpatient therapist I had and would go back to if I needed another inpatient stay, which is likely, and she has already been communicating with her about me. They could work together.

But. I'm trying to work out what went wrong. Today she asked too many questions, she suggested too often that I ask Parts this or that or that I tell them this or that. It was far too much. The questions were too frequent, felt almost like rapid-fire. And it was driving at least part of me up the wall that she was just sitting there with a smiling, blank face. I didn't tell her that quite literally but sort of. Then I was to tell her what about her shows me that she is well-disposed towards me and also what about her shows me she's not well-disposed towards me. For the latter I said there's nothing, I'm triggered, it's going on inside my head. But as I write that I realise a) it's not totally true and b) we needed to have my Parts safer before she started working with and on me.

The underlying problem behind: it's not totally true and we needed to have my Parts safer before she started working with and on me is that her questions, based on logic, are severely triggering because of the way FOO interrogated. Also because - as with FOO - one answer wasn't enough. That would lead to another question with a hint - or in the case of FOO an accusation - that my response wasn't logical. Obviously at least one Part, probably far more, are triggered. So new T said she thought the session went well today because she now understands more why I came in so badly triggered in my first appt that I wanted to give everything up. As I write this, it sounds as if it's all about her. She understands but I got triggered and although I told her part way through that it was too much, she questioned that a little bit in the sense that I was to feel into Parts and idk any more - tell them the truth of today or something like that - and then she went back to her questioning. She didn't actually really hear until I stood up, moved away from my chair, spoke more loudly and gesticulated. "Good that you told me now" she said. Though I had already told her early on in today's appointment that, among other things, I keep answering questions, even when they are too much for me. I may or may not have said that that goes back to FOO's treatment of me. She did ask whether I don't have an pre-arranged signal to show that things are too much for me, if not I needed to come up with one, there and then. I said it was never necessary in this year's inpatient stay, nor was it necessary with my not-quite-previous outpatient therapist. The crux of the matter - she's not reading my non-verbal clues. Other Ts manage(d). This is really not the person for me.

This means trying the next nearest reachable outpatient Ts who are 1 1/4 hour train ride away, like not-quite-previous outpatient T, who can see me 3 times/quarter till I have a new T. There is no one closer, but going to a T who is not compatible as a person will backfire. I have experience of that unfortunately. She's working on my problems already, delving deeper but we haven't properly established a working relationship yet. She sees that as my issue somehow - the inpatient T told her I'm hesitant to trust at the beginning, which makes sense based on my FOO history said the T today. Little does she know that my continued hesistancy has a lot to do with Ts who have gone way over my boundaries in the past, not accepted my 'No!', 'Stop!' By the end of this last inpatient stay, I felt ready to trust somebody new again because I'd noticed that more Ts could work effectively and respectfully with me than not-quite-previous outpatient T. But that doesn't mean I'm going to trust everybody!

Good that I wrote on here because now I've got it sorted out for myself. Much as I'd wanted this to work, if it's not working after the third time and she's not hearing me, it doesn't sound good. I at least need to tell her I want to try out some others and then choose.

Hi Blueberry,
I read this, and think you've really thought carefully about your experience with those therapists, and your wishes, and I applaud the fact that you are considering what you want in all of this.   :cheer:

:hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :)

I note how difficult it is to write to trial T and say "I don't think this is going to work". I certainly need a break so she knows not to officially apply to do long-term therapy with me which she would have to do by the fifth appt. But I don't really believe that a break and discussions with not-quite-previous T as well as with my long-term GP will help with anything but confirming my opinion that this isn't going to work. Still, it will be helpful for me to speak to both of them - to confirm if nothing else. My inpatient T said how important it is for me to take my feelings and impressions seriously, and also to take the feelings and impressions of my inner Parts seriously. FOO didn't and doesn't take my pain and anger and even my diagnosis seriously, so all the more important that I do! And say to my Parts: "I hear you." So here too: take my intuition seriously. I have had way too many bad experiences with Ts, experiences that have thrown me backwards. Often those Ts, or colleagues of those Ts, have tried to blame me, saying that I expect too much from them and things like that. Once bitten, twice shy. I've been 'bitten' more than once though by Ts so no surprise that I'm pretty careful and hesitant.

I think I 'need' to do this, but maybe I simply need a little more time, even just a day? There's so much going on that yesterday I couldn't even answer a friend's invitation to tea and playing games on Sat. afternoon, but now I have. I have accepted the invitation.  :thumbup:

There are still bills to write. Yesterday and the day before FurBaby wasn't eating properly. A friend and student helped me force-feed yesterday and at my request took FurBaby home to take over force-feeding for a day or two. I have a feeling I've already written this but can't see where - so yeah I'm a little confused.

There's still a letter to write to LL to correct something he mis-read / mis-understood in the missive I sent him. It's important because it concerns the rental contract and a change he thinks I suggested and he has now agreed to, but I didn't actually suggest what he has agreed to. I wrote correctly, he mis-understood. Grr.

Then something to FOO as well that I've been putting off for over a month - probably because it's a combination of really difficult + mostly useless.

Today I taught 2 students but otherwise spent a lot of time eating less healthy things and pulling my hair out, also doing sudoku and crosswords, which is better than eating etc.

On the plus side, a bike mechanic repaired my bike in record time. He wasn't sure if he would even manage this week, but he phoned today and it was done! He had to replace a part that isn't manufactured any more, though he could have ordered something similar, though less good for my particular bike, which would have cost €200. Instead, he had one of the parts that is no longer manufactured hanging around in his supplies and charged a double-figure amount, which is a huge relief for me. I am grateful that there are small, independent bike shops that have that kind of mindset.

gentle hugs, Blueberry. congrats of your luck with the mechanic and here's hoping you have a good time on Saturday. Also hoping your other items become less frustrating for you.

Thank you CF. btw do you want to be called Sage or CF (short or long form)?

I have now written to the trial T and came to the conclusion during writing that it is not going to work. Some people (including the T) might say I 'should' be open to discussing and trying to find a compromise with her and a solution. But. I have way too much experience with Ts who didn't have the necessary experience to work with me. Or where it didn't 'click' for some reason. But it needs to. I would say for fairly obvious reasons I can't teach her to be different, especially since quite a number of Parts were in difficulties last appointment, such that I'm not even sure how much of the time I was in my present-day Adult but T didn't notice that apparently or maybe didn't think it mattered??

She just seemed intent on getting factual information on various topics - just according to where the conversation led, so that there was never any kind of end and I'm left to question why some of these facts were so important to her this early on :stars: :Idunno: It was as if she didn't have a plan. She also sounded offended, hurt even that one of my Parts questioned something that made her think I don't think that she likes her job. Yeah, this Part in me was worried that T would find me troublesome or a pain-in-the-neck or something along those lines. So something is going wrong if T interprets that as Adult me thinking she doesn't like her job!

I resonate with this process of considering if I want to continue working with a professional.  I hope that you find a working relationship that is supportive to you.

Thank you rainydiary. At least I have ditched the working relationship that is not supportive! That's a step. The T emailed back this morning accepting that it's not a good fit. I haven't yet had the wherewithal to contact other ones in the town where my T of the past 5 years is. Just  :applause: :applause: :applause: to self for ditching the non-supportive one and accepting myself for needing a little break - maybe just a day or two - before I start looking again.

reading about this T, her methods, her questions of you, especially those pertaining to how you feel about you seems way way off to me.  good for you for ending this relationship.  i could feel all the triggers as you wrote about them.

good luck w/ finding someone who is more compatible.  and i wholly agree about the break, blueberry.   :applause: for all you've done and for taking a well-deserved break.  love and hugs :hug:

Good move on removing what isn't good for you! enjoy the downtime and good luck in your new search! gentle hugs

Thank you, CactusFlower. I guess I'm enjoying the downtime to the extent that I'm not doing anything, just lying around reading and dozing.

I suppose it's another EF - LL stuff, FOO stuff. Talked some about FOO stuff yesterday with a friend, but I ended the discussion when I realised I was starting to think and talk in circles. On top of that one of my FurBabies is dying. Friends have been looking after her since Wednesday because I'm not good at force-feeding but she still doesn't want to eat much so I will have to let her go. Vet's tomorrow.

At least I have a doc appt this coming week- my old GP who knows me really well. Also an appt with Tenant Right's.

so sorry about your furbaby, blueberry.  you do such a good job with them, even when you aren't able to manage the work needed for them - you always manage to find a safe haven for them. 

and, yeah, you've had so much going on lately.  i do hope you can take care of yourself, give yourself a break as best you can.  you're welcome to join me on the porch, if it'll help.   love and hugs :hug:

Hugs, Blueberry. It's hard to lose a furbaby no matter what. Gentle hugs and I grieve with you.

Thank you san and CactusFlower. I feel sad. But I will see her tomorrow at the vet's before she 'goes'. Though part of me wishes she'd go on her own in the night. I wouldn't see her, but even when I pretty much know it's the right decision for one of my furbabies, I still don't like that final moment. Especially if the little sweetheart chooses that moment to start 'talking' to me.

I am thinking of you Blueberry.

Thank you rainy.

I let my furbaby go. Though the vet did a thorough examination first so she and I knew both what was what. The vet recommended I let her go but that was my thought and wish for my furbaby too. Now I'm crying, which is good too. But I also feel something else - like there's even less reason to keep going now. Not that I'm going to do anything to myself, but it's just hard atm. I even feel too weak to dig a hole in the garden and am going to have to ask someone else.

dear blueberry, i know that feeling all too well, and i'm sorry it's hitting you.  it's a terrible feeling.  sitting alongside you as you go thru this.  i hope you can take the time you need. love and hugs  :hug:

Hugs, dear Blueberry. Of course it's hard, we love them so much. At least someone who truly cared was with them. Giving you gentle support and energy as you work through this at your own pace.

Dear Blueberry,
I'm also sending you a hug at this time -  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thank you san, CactusFlower and Hope. :hug:

I've been running away from my feelings again. The husband of a friend came and dug a hole, which is no small task because in this garden/yard all sorts of who-knows-what is buried beneath the surface. Very grateful friend's husband was able and willing to come and do it. He managed in 20 mins, for me it would have taken a few hours - on and off.

I always have trouble seeing my little pet in my mind's eye but in reality she's gone and I won't see her in the real anymore.

____________
Today I was able to remind myself that it's just part of me, a Part in fact, who wants to give up. For whatever reason, this particular Part is in the lead atm (shouldn't be really, but I'm accepting for the moment that my Adult of today is not managing to be in charge). Partly I guess I'd been hoping so much to make progress managing my Parts in psychotherapy and now I need to start looking for a T again. The heatwave isn't helping though of course it's just temporary

I am thinking of you Blueberry and hope you find ease in the coming days.

Thank you rainy. :hug:  I'm reminding myself that this too shall pass.

I've decided to write because it often brings me relief.

Officially of tomorrow it's school holidays here but I have a bunch of mostly adult students who want/need to come so I say 'great! Come!" because that way I earn some money and have something actually planned. But atm I feel like collapsing again and it's really hard for me to teach in this state. All the other stuff is hard too: sorting and filing papers, basic housework, showering - simply existing. I feel as if I don't even 'survive' long until I come clattering down needing help somewhere (never mind 'thriving'). Have things planned but don't do them. This time last year I went on a little holiday, can't imagine it this year. But it would be good to head to a little lake or even outdoor pool - but no go.

Last night I dreamt the garden was churned up and other plants were put in by LL and some landscaping company. I was more bemused than upset during the dream, so that's a good space to get to I guess.

LL doesn't seem to be moving on things he's threatened like getting a janitorial service. I suppose he'll just dump it on us some time but the longer he waits, the better and cheaper for me especially since my apt rent is going up significantly. 

Quote from: Blueberry on July 24, 2022, 02:38:10 PM
I suppose it's another EF - LL stuff, FOO stuff. Talked some about FOO stuff yesterday with a friend, but I ended the discussion when I realised I was starting to think and talk in circles.

It was maybe a bad idea to talk about that FOO stuff a few days ago. This friend asked if I wanted her view based on her own FOO where her sibs are all way beyond her in terms of earning/income. She says that it's only fair to divide the money up equally around all sibs, even if they are way beyond her in income power. I guess for me the points are: I have no idea if things are being divided up equally at all because my parents won't give me this information and they keep finding ways to indicate they don't have enough money to help me while by their actions they show they have more than enough to shower money on my sibs which my sibs don't even need. Like additional holidays. Whereas I'm wondering where the rent is going to come from at some time, not to mention the heating.

The friend says it sounds as if my parents are happy spending time with my sibs and their families and not so happy spending time with me so no wonder more money goes to sibs. An interesting take on it. But I know better. My sibs don't want to go at all that's why my parents pay everything for them. My parents would love to see me again, they think, not realising who I really am and not especially caring that who I am disappears in their presence and goes home in a terrible state. My docs would all have something to say if I took up any form of contact beyond what I have with FOO!

Just writing, not asking for a solution. Solutions are harder to come by when you haven't sorted out your Parts. Ideally spend a little more time where I'm living and try and move when things are more settled. Today I feel like giving up my business because everything's so hard. But I know that in my case that's going to become a long slide into the poverty and income-less, unemployable trap.

Solutions are even harder to come by when you're actually sick, which I now am. Corona test is negative, so far anyway. It feels like tonsillitis which I tend to get when everything is too much. So I'm off back to bed and will be back on again in a week or two. Tonsillitis usually takes 2 weeks to clear up.

sorry you're sick, blueberry.  sending you love and a hug filled with get well soon energy, some comfy cozy item to squish into and your drink of choice.  maybe ice cream if it's your tonsils - i remember getting mine out when i was young and the big treat was ice cream later that day!  hope you feel better real soon.   :hug:

Thank you san.
Really I should be in bed but when I fall asleep I have recurring dreams of being in some inpatient place I'm trying to get out of but can't. I'm trying to get out of there because the therapy is useless.

Or I have dreams about FOO. And/or I'm realising how much I'm allowing myself to be mucked around by them. I'm working on potentially non-sender emails atm. I think I'm sick atm due to pent-up rage. It does feel good to write what I write including words that would be covered in an asterix here

it certainly sucks to not be able to close your eyes w/o dreadful scenes, memories, thoughts, etc. bombarding your brain.  just this morning i had to get out of bed too early because of that exact same thing.  standing beside you, wishing all this would go away and leave you alone.  love and hugs, blueberry. :hug:

It's Corona. With symptoms needless to say. But not really bad, like needing to be hospitalised symptoms. Just really bad flu.

At least it's finally cooled down outside. It even poured with rain briefly yesterday evening. I might be coming back here off and on to dispel the loneliness. A friend brought me some groceries today, depositing them where I can collect them. I have to leave my apartment to do so but the doc told me yesterday that that's OK so long as I wear my mask which I do. But I also think to myself: nobody else in the building seems to care about Corona regulations so why should I go out of my way when I'm sick?? 'Going out of my way' would mean not leaving my apartment - to get into my office, my letter boxes, the garden, or the front hall to collect groceries including food for the furries.

what a gritch of an illness to have, blueberry, and i hope you have a speedy recovery.  sending virtual hugs and chat time to you. :grouphug:

Hugs, Blueberry. Hope your symptoms are minimal and it passes as quickly as possible for you.

Blueberry, I'm sorry that you aren't feeling well.  :grouphug:

Thank you Not Alone! I like seeing your name because it reminds me that I also am NOT alone.
____

So when I'm at a low ebb physically, I often feel at a low ebb emotionally. Though today I did remember some exercises in grounding from inpatient time - like go into garden and whatever I concentrate on there - the scent of my roses or what's growing or even cutting some hazelnut twigs for the Little Furries to chew on - that's all me concentrating on good stuff from now rather than floating around in the past somewhere, as it becomes ever clearer how much abuse I'm taking on for the sake of financial help from FOO :no: :no: :no: That's me shaking my head at FOO rather than at myself. Please nobody suggest that leaving mode of the victim will help, I don't feel in any state to do that, especially what that would entail. Probably the time will come but just not yet. But it won't involve 'getting a job', 'earning my own keep' because that's just not possible. I'm constantly hanging on by just a thread as is, managing to teach, but not the admin side of things, and then getting sick etc. Inner Critic is having a field day.

 :hug:

I wish you could get the help you need from your FOO without enduring more trauma and abuse.

I also wish I could nosh on some hazelnut twigs! That sounds yummy! Lucky furbabies.

Hugs, Blueberry. Glad to see you still have nature to soothe you. *shakes finger at Inner Critic* Hey, leave Blueberry alone. They're really cool and deserves better.     :hug:

Quote from: Armee on July 30, 2022, 07:37:19 PM
:hug:

I wish you could get the help you need from your FOO without enduring more trauma and abuse.

Thank you, that is a very good wish. Not really going to come about though. I'm really glad you wrote it! That's what a normally functioning family might do, right? Instead of piling on money where it's not actually needed, and leaving me dangling with vagueness at best.

Today I spoke to my host mother of decades to thank her that she's continuing to support me financially despite having adult children and grandchildren of her own. I wanted to let her know how much I appreciate that she's straight with me about it all and that she gives me what she does without any kind of nonsense like "we don't know exactly..." and "what would happen if...". If some really bad thing happened, my host mother would have to reconsider, reduce the amount, cancel the amount, whatever. That's obvious. But my own parents are not capable of being straight! I got emotional speaking to my host mother, which isn't something I'd normally do. But at least now she knows how much it means to me - not just the money - but that I don't have to beg and jump through hoops to get at it, like some tormented small animal.

Quote from: CactusFlower on July 31, 2022, 04:33:36 PM
Hugs, Blueberry. Glad to see you still have nature to soothe you. *shakes finger at Inner Critic* Hey, leave Blueberry alone. They're really cool and deserves better.     :hug:

Thank you. :hug: Your finger-shaking at Inner Critic seems to have worked. Pain and realisations came up and InnerCritic wasn't needed to keep them down anymore, if that is one of I.Cr.'s roles.

I went and sat in the garden/yard for a while today too. Enjoy the peace and quiet of a Sunday.

Just sitting there and a memory came up again. Not a resurfacing but just me making a connection: B1 and me home from school, I got myself a piece of bread for lunch. It was the crust. B1 reaching towards me: "If that's the last piece of bread, you have to give me half!". Me: "There is a whole other loaf in the cupboard." This information on the whole other loaf was just ignored. B1 appealed to M who was standing there. Yes, she agreed, if that's the last piece, you have to give him half. They just refused to listen to the information that there was another loaf in the cupboard! I had the last piece of the old loaf for crying out loud. They both reached to take it off me by force and I threw it to our dog instead. Strangely, they didn't care that the dog ate it.
:Lightbulb: Blueberry from that situation is certainly at least one of those who gets so badly triggered when people in this building want to take my things and/or who disregard my possessions and the limits I set. This will be behind the constant recurring nightmares of people coming and covering my garden space in concrete or planting their own stuff in my part instead of putting the work in to make their own beds, or mow their own lawn etc etc

And now I've been trying so hard NOT to lose the hard work I put in. I'm not throwing my stuff to somebody else to use and just leaving the scene (as I did back then, giving my lunch to the dog and leaving the kitchen, presumably going to do my homework with no lunch), I'm standing my ground and arguing back, but it still doesn't get heard. And worse, I get 'punished' it for it.

I know that for some people this incident from my past won't sound 'that bad' but it was. It's this complete ignoring of me. Of not hearing what I was saying. Of not caring. After the dog yaffled up the remains of my piece of bread, M and B1 would have seen that there was indeed a whole other loaf of bread in the cupboard. Nobody thought to say "Oh sorry, we acted rather rashly there. You were right, there was a whole other loaf in the cupboard." No. That never happened. Because they simply didn't care. It didn't even seem to be about the bread at all. It probably wasn't.

Just like now. It's not really about the money, it's about them being words I can't write here because they would get asterixed. I suppose I could say 'manipulators' but I don't think that even covers it. They are manipulating, but it's worse. Like, how and why would you do that to your own child - whether in real childhood - or later when they're in dire straights as an adult?? You could help them but instead you prefer to let them plead for it, while you generously throw money at the siblings who don't even need it and talk about saving it for sibs' kids for when they need to go to university as if they a) won't get money from their own parents, b) money from their other grandparents (or their inheritance), c) as if they won't be capable of getting student jobs to help pay their way and d) as if they probably also won't go on to good jobs themselves or e) get leg-ups from their parents' friends. Whereas it's pretty clear that I just can't work. I'd love to be able to go further with some of my talent but there's so much trauma in the way. There always has been. And I'm simply not those of you on here who manage to compartmentalise it somehow and work  :'( :'( :'(

I suppose this is maybe some heavy grief work going on?   

Note: Some readers might think I'm just jealous but I happen to know how much opulence there is in my sibs' lives and in their in-laws lives and how much gets showered on my sibs and on their children. They are not struggling. At all.

Some really heavy grief work going on. I'm actually writing to B1 with-sort-of-the-intention of sending it though I won't do so without at least sleeping on it and man am I crying. Which is good. I'm crying almost as badly as the last two times I was retraumatised in FOO, except I'm not going under this time. What I'm writing is specific in a way that I wouldn't do on here, or at least it's a different kind of specific than on here. It's not so much an accusation as rather- this is what life looks like for me, can you go back to the stage when you cared please

It's sort of laying myself on the line, but also with a feeling of: what's there to lose? There are various possible reactions along the denial / dismissal road but I've survived that re-trauma already. 

What's to gain? It's possible that B1 might tell my parents to get their &%§ act together and stop stalling on the money and stop making excuses like needing it for his kids and just generally messing me around. It would be oh so nice if my parents would take that from me directly, w/o any swears of course, but they won't, that's part of my scapegoat role. But they might take it from him with or w/o swears. He doesn't have to be particularly polite, unlike me. In fact, the more off the rails he goes, the better. The more they listen to him. That was always the way in our childhood.

 :bighug:

Hugs, Blueberry.  Wishing you the energy to move through this.

Feel exhausted today, all worn out. In a good kind of way though. No, nothing's changed in the day-to-day scheme of things, but idk, I feel a bit lighter I suppose you could say.

Now I know what my new-but-now-ex T did wrong: she asked a stupid question. Had I thought of telling B2 that I would like more and easier contact with my niece/goddaughter?
In fact now I come to think of it, she asked several stupid questions because there were also ones about stuff going on in the building where I live e.g. had we (which means me in this building) tried a custodial timetable? Well, that only works if the other parties want to actually be involved.

Anyway some part of me gets so mad at these stupid questions.
Response, dripping with sarcasm: "Well I never! What a clever idea! I never would have thought of it without you."

What I'd really like to say: "FFS, look at the amount of time I have spent in therapy! Look at the progress I have made! Listen to all I have told you about my deranged and abusive family! Listen to what I have already tried and the amount of unmitigated &%§ I have put up with at the hands of FOO and in this building/at the hands of a succession of LLs and neighbours who apparently a) want a free ride and b) don't give a &?%$
Read what previous Ts have said about me and THINK for &%?§ sake, THINK!"

What I did instead is eventually leap out of my seat, start gesticulating and talking tho Idk what anymore. That helped me unfreeze, gave me more space ie. created more space between me and T (I'm remembering now that last time I was with FOO at Horrendous Event no.2 I had only to get 60 miles away from them all to start realising some home truths e.g. NO, I do NOT have to 'learn to just put up with M and SIL2'). Moving around aka unfreezing also helps me realise what's going on and gives me words or some other tool to protect myself and/or Littles from a bunch of assumptions. These assumptions go along the lines of: you're too small, dumb, young, naive, inexperienced to have thought of this yourself. From FOO it's even: How DARE you even think of protecting yourself, standing up for yourself, asserting yourself w/o consulting with us first?? And of course when you do consult with us, we will suggest you stand down otherwise you're going to get hurt (by one of us).

I think if I remember correctly or noticed accurately that when I leaped to my feet, T took note and did a double take. I'm also remembering plus piecing together from what I was told afterwards that when I confronted M with there having been CSA (for which I had to get into an extremely dissociated state), I was standing up looking down at her in her chair where - apparently- she felt like a child being told off. That was during Horrendous FOO Event no.1 which I didn't manage to leave unscathed. But FOO certainly did take note. Of course still whispering among each other and trying to decide how best to 'deal with' me. Hence their treatment of me at Horrendous FOO Event no.2, especially SIL2 and both my brothers taking things into their hands: "we can't allow BB to 'spoil' the family holiday aka rock the family boat in anyway".

Oh Blueberry. That scene you paint of the FOO events sounds so painful. I can believe your M reacted like that because of how your FOO is, but it is horrendous anyway.

But wow am I impressed and inspired by your step to jump up and move and gesticulate when your T asked those really insulting and frustrating and patronizing questions. That really would work for unfreezing and is brilliant.  :thumbup:

Quote from: Armee on August 04, 2022, 01:42:25 PM
But wow am I impressed and inspired by your step to jump up and move and gesticulate when your T asked those really insulting and frustrating and patronizing questions. That really would work for unfreezing and is brilliant.  :thumbup:

Thanks! It sort of happened I think. I didn't have a plan to do so but my T-of-the-past-5-years taught me to be aware of impulses for physical movement and where appropriate/possible to act on these.

Thanks for calling those questions insulting and patronizing! You're right. That's what they are.

They totally were, yes! Reading that made me think of how some people like me who have fibromyalgia and other invisible disabilities get those "have you tried yoga/xx food/essential oils/other useless idea" type of questions. I would have been sarcastic too. (although I do that a lot, ha ha) I think the jumping up meant that a part of you felt confident and safe enough to put physical distance between you rather than just sitting and freezing. It wasn't inappropriate, in my sole opinion.  Gentle hugs to you.

Actually the sarcasm didn't come till a while afterwards in my head, but the jumping up did the trick! Since then I received an email saying T is sorry that not "all of you" felt safe with her which was really weird because she'd never addressed me and my parts in that way. Anyway, I learnt some stuff from her in those 3 sessions and I'm back on my way.

Realising that T's questions were patronising and then that M makes insulting and patronising remarks led to me realising that both B1 and B2 patronise me as well. What a FOO.

what a FOO indeed, blueberry.  how awful for you to experience that same crapola w/ your T, and i'm so glad your true you was able to stand up for yourself.  well done!  :thumbup:  sending love and a hug filled w/ more!  :hug:

I'm shaking my head because the way T talked about parts of you makes it seem like she is blaming you for being sensitive instead of being introspective herself.

Thank you Armee.  :)   I think that T needs to learn a few things.

I have zero plans, zero goals. Not even the goal of enjoying anything. Just lie around dozing and reading. It's not even particularly hot anymore, so I could enjoy being outdoors. But I'm not going outdoors much.

I don't think we really need to have goals 24/7. I think sometimes we just to be, without expectation or effort. Gentle hugs if you want them.  :hug:

Thank you CF. Your words remind me to just accept myself as is, w/o any plans or whatever.

i second that, blueberry.  sometimes doing nothing is the right thing to do.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on August 02, 2022, 06:01:50 PM


What I'd really like to say: "FFS, look at the amount of time I have spent in therapy! Look at the progress I have made! Listen to all I have told you about my deranged and abusive family! Listen to what I have already tried and the amount of unmitigated &%§ I have put up with at the hands of FOO and in this building/at the hands of a succession of LLs and neighbours who apparently a) want a free ride and b) don't give a &?%$
Read what previous Ts have said about me and THINK for &%?§ sake, THINK!"

Hi Blueberry,
I think this is very well said indeed.   :cheer:

:hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope :hug:

_____________________

I continue to do more or less zero. Lie in bed and do crosswords, read, doze. There are things I need to do but I'm not doing them. Motivation? Nope. Sort of old question: Can I allow myself free time w/o being ill? Answer: No.

I'm very withdrawn atm. I know I won't move on until I decide to. But. I'm sick of having to decide to. Sick of it not being an automatic thing. 

Hi Blueberry I think it is ok to crash right now and just do nothing. And if you really feel like you need to do something I've watched you time and again pull yourself out of it when it is time...until eventually you are super productive. Maybe one day it'll be a more even level of doing and resting. For now, rest is what you need.

 :hug:

Hugs and echoing armee-  sounds like rest is on the menu.  Here's hoping you get what you need from it.

Thank you everybody :hug:

I've been told it may be partly to do with having had Covid, that once you're no longer positive you then get hit with exhaustion.

But I also read in a book I'm meant to be working with on healing from dissociative disorder that hanging around doing more or less nothing is very counterproductive, because it means that I'm allowing only a particular part of me to thrive. The other Parts are all part of me, in fact I don't even think I'm even in my Adult of today. I'm certainly not acting in a self-accountable or responsible way atm.

But I also don't seem to be able to muster up the energy to act otherwise. I wish somebody else would just come and do everything. Or I wish time would stand still and then I wouldn't have to do anything. There would be no looming deadlines.

Quote from: Blueberry on August 14, 2022, 10:21:17 PM
But I also read in a book I'm meant to be working with on healing from dissociative disorder that hanging around doing more or less nothing is very counterproductive, because it means that I'm allowing only a particular part of me to thrive.

:Idunno: I don't understand that.

Whether you are physically tired or emotionally tired, it sounds like your body is telling you something. (Just saying what I think my T would say.  :bigwink:) It also sounds like some little Parts are around. Is there something you can do for them? I read books to my Littles sometimes. (YouTube has children's stories to listen to and to watch.)

Those are just my thoughts, Blueberry. Trust yourself.  :hug:

Blueberry, I keep starting and rewording a thought to you but it isn't coming the way I hope.  I am here hoping you find the rest and support you need from moment to moment. 

I agree with NotAlone, that part didn't make sense. I personally believe that we don't have to and honestly shouldn't be "on" or "productive" all the time. That causes burnout in many ways. We need off periods, rest time, lulls in productivity.  I would second maybe doing some quiet time activities with your Parts like stories, or coloring, or maybe even a solitary walk in the fresh air? Just a thought.  Gentle hugs if you want them, we're here for all of you.

I agree too. We do not need to be on and productive all the time. We were raised in a world where lazy wealthy people convinced us common people to be their servants without even realizing it. The workers work 12 hours a day for barely enough money to survive while the bosses go golfing.

Our self-worth is all too often tied to the term "A good hard-working person". Well... BUNK on that! Can't I be a good not-so-hard-working person? What if we weren't meant to work and produce all day long? What if we could go back to the days without TV where we sat on the porch every evening with a corn-cob pipe and a harmonica and just watched the sunset every single evening?

My wife has turned me on to Jig Saw Puzzles. Being a major workaholic, I used to think they were a waste of time, but now I'm hooked. She's getting me connected with other people who like them too, so we can now share puzzles. We don't have to buy new puzzles all the time, (they can be expensive), We can swap puzzles with friends without having to buy new.

As humans, we HAVE THE RIGHT to chill and rest. I'm so sorry to hear that COVID hit you like it did. I haven't had it, but friends and neighbors and coworkers have been hit pretty hard and I have heard that it really, really knocks the soup out of you for a long time. 

I say, rest up and don't feel guilty about it. Being driven to always be "working" is a trick that was used on us so we'd do all the work so the rich could play golf and cruise around in the yachts and limos that we bought for them.

PS: Twice a year I sit down and watch my dvd of "Happy". It was a 2011 Documentary on the science of happiness. I think it's thought of as the first documentary ever on the topic. It's really good. Easy to watch. It's available for free on YouTube, either in full or in sections. Watching it twice a year really helps me to remember that happiness is achievable no matter how rich or poor or how healthy or ill we are: Here's a link to the Wiki description. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happy_(2011_film) 

Quote from: CactusFlower on August 15, 2022, 03:14:00 PM
We need off periods, rest time, lulls in productivity.  I would second maybe doing some quiet time activities with your Parts like stories, or coloring, or maybe even a solitary walk in the fresh air?

That's part of the point, tho undoubtedly my post wasn't very clear. Atm I'm doing lots of quiet time activities for one Part and ignoring the rest. I'm doing bookish/intellectual stuff. In so doing I'm ignoring the younger Parts that need colour and music and movement. I'm also ignoring the Adult parts in me that want to get actually get on with stuff.

Today I finally phoned somewhere where there seemed to be a deadline looming. It turned out that wasn't a deadline and so some of my 'leave-me-alone', 'I can't be bothered' left me.

The book I was referring to is: Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation by Suzette Boon et.al.

But I do hear all your care everybody, thank you  :grouphug:

that balance can be awfully difficult to find, blueberry.  i struggle w/ it myself.  yesterday we had a lovely, fun day, but soon after my D left, i went into a distressed spiral.  so weird how this stuff works.  i know you'll figure it out eventually.  your awareness is showing, and that's the first step, right?  love and hugs :hug:

I had a occupational T appt today and I didn't even go. I've just emailed them now, 12 hours too late.
I feel as if I have given up.

Hi Blueberry,
You have E-mailed them, even though it was later than the appointment.  I know you feel like this at the moment, but maybe tomorrow will be different, and however it is - I notice the title of your journal 'accepting myself' and I think that sounds sensible - to accept yourself, and how you feel in any one moment.   

Blueberry, I care about you, and I want to send you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, your supportive words are finally getting through to me. :hug:
Yesterday i looked at one of your old Journals where you are talking about getting to know your different parts. That's the road I ought to be getting onto again but I just feel so - idk - fed up.

I got an answer from the occupational T this evening and he's very accepting of my situation including my non-show. The only thing he - rightly - doesn't accept is that I feel like giving up. He accepts that I said it and feel it but is offering me an appt next week even if I just go and spew out whatever is going on rather than doing any real occup. T. He's right about that so I will take him up on the offer.

 :bighug:

i'm not giving up on you, blueberry.  love and hugs :hug:

Thinking of you Blueberry.

OK I love your occupational T. 💛

Just the right response.

It is ok to feel like giving up, BB. I know you won't fully give up.

Blueberry- That's great about the OT. Giving you space to just be and to listen is wonderful and motivating in of itself. I'm glad you are going to see him. Wishing you energy, peace, and hugs.

Thank you everybody for your support and for your acceptance of my present state.

I'm presently trying to sell/give away some stuff on a local online thing and am having a lot of trouble placing the ads so this shows me concrete that things are genuinely difficult rn and that my not doing much, if anything, is probably partially in order to not notice how difficult stuff is. This way I can just feel lazy rather than so deranged I can't get on with decluttering.

I have a sore throat again and although it probably isn't covid since I just recovered from that a week or so ago, I can't even be bothered to do the test. Nor can I even be bothered really looking after my pets, which is pretty bad news. The old one is sleeping a lot - they notice when I'm depressed too. Well, a friend is coming help me clean or tidy tomorrow, so that will help a bit. That will activate me somewhat.

There is a lot going on atm internally - mostly decisions I feel I ought to be making - so it's no surprise that things have become stagnated again. This whole week my business neighbour is on holiday so it might have been a good idea to enjoy the time without him, like being more in my office, but somehow... That didn't pan out.

Aw I'm sorry. There must be so much weighing on you inside.

I often find things that should be easy to be just so very very hard...especially anything involving signing in to an online system. Just one of those really bothersome symptoms.

Thanks Armee :hug:

Yesterday and today I did manage to place a number of ads and have had some interest.
Some ads I intended to place but then didn't because decided I couldn't part from the object after all. I was told this is part of the dissociative diagnosis - different Parts of me have different ideas on what should be kept or not. So even if I'm pretty sure I'm making decisions out of my Adult of today, that doesn't necessarily mean that the decision is the correct one for me at this moment and that there won't be repercussions internally at some point. And it's certainly not always a case of "then I'll buy another one" because sometimes there isn't another one. e.g. some books are out of print.

It's similar for almost all decisions atm - well at least the big ones like to look for another place to live or not. Or to keep going at my freelance work or give up. And if keep going, then look for a new office or not. Contact with FOO on particular topics - and if so how - or not. So no wonder there's a lot of stalling going on. 

I posted a while ago about realising that with my FOO it's a case of ongoing abuse not post- anything. I'm now so kind of spaced out that I wouldn't be able to explain why it's ongoing. Not that I actually have to. I realised that really I'd have to go NC to heal - at least that was my impression. I note that for me going NC is not easy, I haven't done it yet. I haven't even decided totally to do it, even if that's the only way to heal. I often take my time about things. So, decades to heal.

Quote from: Blueberry on August 24, 2021, 09:39:39 PM
Idk really know what's going on today.  I just feel so lethargic. I think it's depression but idk why.
_____________
Well, I do know some of what's on my mind atm, some of which is maybe contributing to the lethargy. My godson, conflict-friend no. 2's son, is coming next week for 4 days. Instead of  getting prepared for that, which would include lots of cleaning and tidying, I've been playing round upon round of Patience/solitaire, doing SH and roaming around the Internet. I think once my godson is here, it will be fine, we will do things together, he's not his M and can't help what she thinks or said, but atm I feel I'd prefer to be on my own.

I've copied this over from my previous Journal because this is more or less what is going on now, except that this time I'm getting ready to cancel the visit.

It's to finally admit to myself that no, I can't. No 'should be able' etc. No, I can't. I used to force myself through this type of thing and other things too.

It will be enough next week for me to teach 2 students (that's planned) and attend 2 different T appts.
And then try to accept myself as I am. Even though feeling as if I'm at the end of things in my early 50's doesn't feel good. Of course I am not actually at the end of things but due to feeling like giving up feels as if I'm at the end if that makes sense.

So as an antidote, I'll list a few Good Things, Things I Accomplished (however small) in the last day or two:

sometimes I took my meds; I left the house at least once every day since Wed. and so was outside at least once a day; I have been feeding my pets, even if rather erratically; sometimes I even picked fresh garden food for them; a friend helps me clean and I allowed her to come yesterday (last week I cancelled cuz I couldn't face having someone here); I arranged for someone to come by today and collect a book and a bottle of something I don't want/need so my apt is now decluttered of those 2 items; I have drunk water every day.

So that's it, but it's better than nothing. 

Hi Blueberry,
Sending you another hug, and thinking of you -  :hug:
Hope  :)

It's very helpful to write up lists of what we've been able to accomplish. There are days that getting up and getting clean are major accomplishments. Wishing you energy for all the things. HUGS

I appreciate you sharing the good things as well as the things that feel out of reach. 

 :cheer:

Yay for drinking water!!!! And also for canceling something big you are not up for.

Thank you everybody once again.

I'm on the way up again. I got back on the path after I was reading a book on cptsd and especially the different degrees to which people with cptsd might dissociate. I don't know all the terms in English but it's a continuum and they discovered while I was inpatient that I'm further along the continuum than had been thought up till then. It's not like you've got dissociation and do you have depersonalisation as well? It's more about to what depth the 'canyons' in between your Parts go. At least that's what it looks like in the diagram.

So anyway, acceptance is key. As I wrote myself in my Journal heading.

Today I was finally doing things that I've been wanting to do since before I went down with covid and certainly after I recovered, like laundry and hang it out, put my little furry lawnmowers out in the garden, sat in the garden writing in my paper Journal, did a little gardening, cleaned my garden table and chairs. Which is all much better than lying in bed shivering or lying in bed reading day and night. It's nice to enjoy the garden before it turns into a construction site which is going to happen in a few weeks or months. More likely weeks though, more's the pity.

One thing that I'm actually good at accepting that one of my Parts does is urinary incontinence, especially in the night. The workbook I have on all this dissociation stuff mentions that particular problem, which is encouraging to me since I've never read about it anywhere else. In the book they strongly suggest you're accepting of this because it's probably a pretty young Part. Just them suggesting wouldn't help me, but I've had this problem for quite a long time - it started up some time or other when I was doing work with Parts maybe 12 or 13 years ago. I don't have the problem all the time, but often enough to certainly add to my laundry. In daytime it's easier because I can communicate with the particular part and praise, praise, praise when she can hold on, but nighttime I don't wake up till it's too late. Strangely enough as a child I didn't have this problem at all. Maybe that's why it's easier for me to accept? There's no ICr. in the background.

I didn't contact about the upcoming visit till this evening but they're still on holiday. What I notice though is fear in my gut. Fear of inconveniencing someone (the child's mother not him), fear of letting somebody down - again more the mother than the child, although that's really wonky. Anyway I just wanted to note that for myself.

I love the care and kindness that you give to your little Part with urinary incontinence. Beautiful.

Thank you Not Alone :) :hug:

I woke up with a cold and I don't feel well. I'm Corona negative - have just tested. Unfortunately I said I'd teach 2 adults today, one of whom I cancelled last week. I've notified them but left it up to them to come or not. I noticed while responding to a couple of posts on here that I really don't feel well but I guess I'll pull through.

However. It really feels to me atm that I'm not going to get well. That it's time to make decisions about whether to give up my freelance work or not, i.e. to decide to. Unfortunately that's not an easy decision to make at all because for a whole slew of reasons I can't just go and get a very p/t job somewhere else. Just yesterday I saw an ad...

(One of the above students has offered to reschedule, relief).

Anyway just yesterday I saw a job ad to work as a p/t parcel delivery person with a special cargo bike and my heart leaped at that idea. But. Of course you have to be able to work a hand-held computer aka glorified smartphone and since I can't, it wouldn't work. Even if I could, I know it would take me a good while - too long of a while - to get the hang of it.  I do know my limitations, this isn't just an excuse. Though FOO would say so. But who cares what FOO thinks? I certainly shouldn't.

(My second student of the day is going to come, but I now have a few hours to go and lie down and rest.)

I had a good appt at my occupational T today. I didn't actually do anything, I just talked and sometimes the T said things and I listened. I felt heard and understood.

One thing I realise is I need a lot of encouragement. Theoretically of course I should be able to give it to myself or give it to my Parts. But that's the theory. What if that doesn't work in practice? Or shall we say that's an additional thing to work on, among 250 other things. That's probably a bit of an exaggeration because I've never actually counted what all needs to be worked on, but I do know that there are an awful lot. I know that on one of my early school report cards when I was about 6, the teacher wrote I needed a lot of encouragement, from home as well. So she knew - this wasn't just a school issue. Unfortunately my parents were not good at hearing that kind of information or doing anything about it.

Encouragement tends to come from my doctors, therapists and other people like that. Some encouragement used to come from friends, including no-longer-friends 1 and 2, but that stopped before I ended the friendships (so not as a result of ending the friendships per se). But it is clear to me that it's important who I spend time with so as not to get overly discouraged. Even people who are generally encouraging as opposed to disparaging are important for me. So long as they're not generally encouraging of self and others, but disparaging of me (like SIL2). But I wonder: is there ever going to be a time when I don't seem to need help and encouragement? I don't think anybody can answer that, but I do wonder.

My occup. T said I'm obviously very good at thinking about myself and my situation. I know for myself that when somebody like him listens and occasionally comments or asks a question, I can move beyond thinking and reflecting and come up with a realisation or two and then I feel as if I've come a bit unstuck :cheer:  I don't yet have a big revelation or decision. But at least I'm taking mini-steps again, even if just going into the garden and picking grass for my furbabies or doing another 2 loads of laundry. But I also tidied a space for which I couldn't summon up the energy yesterday, but it was necessary in order for me to take a different step, which I have now also done.

What I was mostly talking about was the pros and cons of me continuing my little business. I haven't made a decision, but I do have more will to continue than I have for the past few days/weeks. It's encouraging for me to hear from somebody else that the work people do, and obviously the work I do, is not just about the money. For some people it may be. For some other people it may appear to be that way but if they dug deeper it might not actually be. My take-away is that it's not an easy decision and I want to allow myself more time, including more time when I'm not earning much like atm. My talk and the comments/questions from T helped me tease some of it apart so that I see the mini-decisions within the bigger topic. So I might in the end need a different resolution to mini-topic 1, but that doesn't mean I need to give up my little business as a whole.

Another thing though, which I remembered while writing 'my little business': it's important for me to acknowledge for and to myself what I have achieved. I didn't just 'try to' teach, I did teach successfully! I tend to downplay myself and my achievements simply with the words and expressions I use. I noticed this during occup. T too. It is important for me to continue to acknowledge what I did achieve! To really make it noticeable to myself so that it's not just words but really comes into my feelings.

On Thursday i have an appt with my psycho-T of long-standing. It was meant to be a final appt before I move on, but since I turned that other new T down, I am certainly hoping to be able to talk to him about my parents and the financial stuff that has been going on. Some of this is the topic: ongoing abuse. It probably won't be the absolute final appt after all. Maybe second last.

gentle hugs, Blueberry.  Sounds like your OT is a truly kind and helpful person to give you space and just listen. I think a lot of people could benefit from more positive encouragement, really. Hopefully you're getting more of that now as you need it. :)

You know reading your post I thought...I would feel honored to learn from you and would be very willing to sometimes have lessons called off or whatever you needed. I bet many of your students feel that way too...ok with a little inconsistency depending on how you're feeling.

Thank you CF, it seems he is. I think this was only the fourth time or maybe fifth. The first time I was really impressed, the second time less so. but he seemed to understand some of what I criticised the second time, took that on board and can work with it. Unlike the new psycho-T who I ditched after 3 sessions. So yeah, it was a good session yesterday.

Today I've felt pretty bad all day. Set my alarm for 9am and although I heard it and even got up and took my meds, I went back to bed and slept till 12 noon. I needed it. Then ran errands e.g. went to farmer's market (very close by) to look for freebies for furbabies and myself. Did a covid test. I'm still negative, fortunately, but I feel a bit feverish. Though when I'm out and about I feel less bad. I went to the games' afternoon I often go to and did feel better afterwards. There somebody asked me about one aspect of my professional work and I noticed while talking about it that I was more animated and felt less depressed, I also didn't notice my headache so much. But now I'm home and could be working on this particular thing but I'm not. I have opened up the document a few times today to continue from yesterday but closed it again.

My occup.T agreed with me yesterday about there being possible reasons behind procrastination. (I know there are even websites about this, but I sometimes prefer to feel for myself rather than rely on somebody else's theory.) I realised a few days ago I'd been putting something off for a long time, so I decided to have a go at it and discovered I couldn't do it. Don't have the stamina, don't have the wherewithal in my head, can't concentrate enough or make decisions. otoh it's good I tried (just cognitive realisation for me), ot-other-h I discovered once again that I can't file papers and not for the first time. This is unfortunately not 'just' a cognitive realisation but more like a punch in the gut emotionally-speaking. My inadequacy or 'incompetency' is the word coming up from the depths hits home. It's of course neither inadequacy nor incompetency, it's cptsd, but it's understandable that I don't want to feel this stuff. Later on this evening I could try to work on this topic a bit, at the very least using eFT.

Quote from: Armee on August 24, 2022, 05:18:49 PM
You know reading your post I thought...I would feel honored to learn from you and would be very willing to sometimes have lessons called off or whatever you needed. I bet many of your students feel that way too...ok with a little inconsistency depending on how you're feeling.

Thank you Armee :hug:

That is in fact what often takes place. Like adults OK with me asking them what homework I gave them last time because I just don't seem to have the wherewithal to write it down atm. Or if I do write it down, then I lose my notes. Of course they should be filed but I'm not managing atm.

So on accepting myself:

I have managed to do some professional work today. The final bit I was doing was checking lesson dates with payments in order to write a few final bills. Maybe sounds easy but my paperwork got a bit disorganised between going inpatient and now so quite a bit to double-check and leaf through this and leaf through that. I got as far as I could with one student's stuff, so leaving the harder stuff for tomorrow :thumbup: :cheer:  I'm accepting of myself that I have finished some of the admin work I needed to do but I am quite simply not capable of doing the harder stuff tonight. Hey, it's even good I started that admin stuff this evening! :cheer:

But then I thought that while all those files and calendars are open, I'll just check one set of easy things for an additional student (so nothing like the difficult stuff I'm putting off till tomorrow). Very quickly I noticed that even that was too difficult. And in fact I did end up doing too much before stopping. This became apparent when I was closing and saving my documents. I almost lost one and got their titles all mixed up. The good thing is: I managed to straighten out the mix-up and not lose that document and now I'm accepting of myself that this is the way it is. It's good that I did various tasks today including teaching and writing an overdue bill and the other stuff I wrote above. It's also really good that I can accept that that is all I can do today and that yes cptsd does this to me. This is the way it is. This is the way I am atm.

No cheers for the way I am because that feels too much like thanking FOO. But for stopping work for this evening and accepting that I need to do so:

Blueberry, I am reflecting on how difficult it is to have had experiences that make work and daily life so overwhelming.  It is so frustrating and lonely and painful to be continually confronted with limits going about these things.  I hope that you continue to find acceptance of where you are moment to moment.

Thank you rainy for expressing that and for understanding. Just since yesterday I've got better at accepting where I am.

I've done more sorting of papers and filing today. I accept that rn I can't do anymore. I remembered: baby steps count. They count in my business too. They count when I'm tackling piles of things that have been waiting to be done for ages. There especially baby steps are necessary.

I also managed one of the hard business steps I couldn't finish yesterday. It went quickly and easily and I know it's correct, which it might not have been if I'd pushed through with it yesterday.

Hi Blueberry,
Baby steps definitely count, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok -  :hug:
Hope  :)

I'm so glad to hear the baby steps are working and you are able to do some of the harder tasks you couldn't do the other day.
.I relate to being overwhelmed by stuff like filing that should be easy but aren't.

small steps, so very true. wishing you gentle hugs and energy.

Thank you everybody! :hug: :hug: :hug:

I think that I have minor cyanide poisoning through a type of plum. It is an edible type that I got from the Neighbourhood Food Shelf. I boiled up a bunch a couple of days ago and the week before as well. And I've had some of them raw. They have very small stones and I swallowed a couple of stones by mistake and didn't think anything of it  :doh:

TG for Google - you can quickly look this stuff up. So no worries anybody - if you ingest a lethal amount you're dead within minutes and I'm still on the go several days later. But it's not exactly healthy. Well, at least I'm listening to my body now.

When I smelt a pot of them today, first it smelt really good but then some secondary aroma made me really nauseous, so despite all the work I put into washing them and boiling them up yesterday, I've already thrown that pot out and am going to throw the others out too. It's hard for me to do this so I maybe need to work with a Part about the seemingly wasted effort and I think there's some other stuff behind there too.

One good thing today: I finally went to church for the first time in about a month and during the first hymn I heard my choir director singing up out of sight by the organ. She doesn't usually play in that church so it was a welcome surprise. I got up out of the pew at the front of the church and walked all the way to the back and up the stairs to join her and sing up there. I didn't care what anybody thought about that - what's she doing?? - Nope, I didn't care. I get a feeling of belonging in the choir, even if it's just the choir director there. I'm probably not the only person on this forum to have a deficit in a feeling of 'belonging to and being accepted by'. It occurs to me as I write that it's probably one of my main early childhood and ongoing traumas. I hadn't sung for at least a month and I have a lot of trouble singing the notes at the best of times, but I am still accepted and welcomed in the choir and I was still accepted tonight up by the organ.

And I realised once again: stay in the choir!! I'm always humming and hawing about maybe stopping because my throat's been ratched up for months and because I think I should be spending my time on other more useful things and I shouldn't be investing so much energy in hobbies. Oh, there's that 'should' again, 2x in fact :doh: :thumbdown:

I feel better now physically. When I'm writing away, I don't notice the symptoms of what I think is mild cyanide poisoning. Or maybe it's a kind of FOO poisoning?

blueberry, i'm going to disagree w/ those 'shoulds' that are hounding you, if that's ok.  there is nothing trivial about music and the feelings it can evoke in us, whether listening, playing it, or singing.  i have never looked at your choir attendance as a hobby, but as something that feeds a part of you which nothing else does in quite the same way.  i'm so glad to hear you went and took your place in the choir that day - it sounded to me like you followed your heart.  to my mind, that deserves a cheer  :cheer:

i'm also loving your continuing acceptance of yourself - the acceptance part also deserves a cheer  :cheer:  i agree, the fact that you can't always do what you want when you want is not cheerworthy, nor is your FOO for causing you to be in such a place.  i do see lots of hard work you're doing to heal from their influence, tho, and i'm cheering for you to be able to continue doing what you can when you can and being accepting of that.  :cheer:

love and hugs, my dear blueberry. :hug:

I agree with san; music is very important and it's wonderful that you have that.  hope you feel better from the food items. hugs!

I just want to write a bit w/o responding to your posts above tho I do really appreciate them.

What I thought was some form of poisoning turns out to probably be one of quite a number of post-Covid symptoms. They can attack your gastro-intestinal system and they also can cause inflammation in your throat. My throat feels restricted, breathing is harder. But I am doing better than I was last week despite that.

On Thursday my godson is coming for a 3-day visit. Being on the farm Sunday-Monday helped me realise that my present-day self would really like to see him. Other Parts of me couldn't face the effort, but I now feel those are Parts which are angry at his mother (ex-friend no. 2) so it's good I've managed to feel this separation and difference in wants. I'm still putting things off, especially cleaning and tidying and organising of which there is a ton of really necessary stuff to do. e.g. at the moment I'm sleeping on the floor, my mattress is outside in the yard waiting for the Bulk Garbage Collection next week since the number of urinary incontinence episodes in the past while have rendered it useless. I need and officially want to clear my sofa of papers and books and who knows what so I can sleep there and I can put my godson on the floor or on my bed w/o the mattress (whatever he prefers) but I guess some other Parts of me don't want to do that and then also partly because bending over to pick things up and place under furniture exacerbates the gastro-intestinal symptoms.

I disappeared on various websites this evening - it's now just past midnight - though I also was working on the computer this evening but then I started googling around. Just in the past couple of days I've been more aware of that and have been much more mindful - realising that I'm beginning to google around because I actually need a break from whatever I'm doing on the computer. So in that case it's obviously much better for me to step away from the computer - go into the garden, or put some music on and move around, go for a little walk around town (which I did this afternoon when I realised I really didn't want to do some written work and couldn't concentrate anyway :applause: )

This evening I also phoned a friend I hadn't spoken to since late July when we both went down with Covid separately. It was good to speak to her again and also her h.

I had a very good appt with my occup. T today. Mostly I talked but near the end I noticed I at least wanted to look at the project I was last working on weeks ago before T went on holiday and I got ill. It's a collage. I yawned a lot and because of the content of the collage that made me realise once again how important music is for me and strengthened what the T has been intimating and I'm beginning to believe. I need to try and find the words for this cuz rn it's just a vague feeling again and doesn't exist in word form in either of my languages.

Let's see: I have a wide set of interests. This one collage really shows who I am, but just a part of who I am. There are many more aspects to me, many more inspiring and creative facets of me. I've achieved a lot so far in my life and I've climbed and overcome many mountains. I'm talented and successful in my teaching and I give a lot. (Yawn, yawn, yawn). Through my freelance work, I'm able to integrate myself as a person handicapped by cptsd in the working world in a way that wouldn't function if I were employed somewhere. (Yawn, yawn, yawn). I yawn when things are processing, especially when I have no words for the processing and/or can't feel what's going on. I could feel everything I wrote about the different facets of me and what I've achieved etc but at some point I numbed out because it's hard to feel those complimentary things about myself but I do know they're true. My T was merely helping me see that. I still had to be ready for it emotionally, otherwise I wouldn't have taken any of it in and wouldn't have yawned. In fact I probably wouldn't even have remembered it.

So that's enough for the moment.

Things are really flowing today! I'm doing really well, especially my teaching and lesson prep and writing homework exercises. How could I possibly think of giving up this work? I can be so creative when I'm doing well.Bolding that so I hopefully notice it next time I'm in a bad way.

So when I'm thinking about giving up, even when I have the impression it's the most rational decision at this point in my life, it's caused by a Part. I don't want to say it's an EF altho I suppose it might be. I'm still learning about Parts and I'm not sure if dropping back into one is quite the same as an EF. But that doesn't have to interest anybody else on here.

When one Part or even a couple of Parts are coming up with some idea like this, they don't have the 'full picture'. They're more likely to be influenced by things I used to think or influenced by FOO ideas because they're lacking some knowledge of my life now; in my Adult of today, I don't even notice what knowledge the Parts have missed out on. My inpatient T taught me that Parts don't always absorb new information cognitively so e.g. when my F came into my mind in a therapy session, my T suggested I stand up and go and poke my finger where I 'saw' him and feel if he was actually there. Of course he wasn't - he lives a thousand miles away - so I poked my finger into the upholstered back of the chair instead. So using touch, a fairly young Part absorbed that F was certainly not in T's office. So that's just one example of how cognitive stuff - me telling a Part something - doesn't always work.

Anyway, lots to do still this evening, teaching 2x tomorrow morning and then my godson will be arriving a few hours later. I don't know how much I'll be on OOTS while he's there. Last year when he visited I came on here in emergencies to write and that helped me deal with triggers and also what to say to my GS, to 'repair' things - he's only 12 yo. None of them are my godson's fault, he's actually an easy visitor to accommodate, but cptsd=triggers :aaauuugh:

Hugs, Blueberry. I am always interested in how your work with parts and such, it's fascinating. Wishing you calm and peace during the visit and we're here for you whenever you can drop in.   :grouphug:

blueberry, what you wrote about how parts can absorb things makes total sense to me.  a 5-yr. old part can only understand things from a 5-yr. old perspective - not much logic, limited world view, much different life experience than an adult, and certainly not much understanding about your life as an adult.  (just an example).  fascinating.  thanks for sharing this - another piece clicks into place, even tho i haven't really worked much w/ parts either.  still, it felt important to see what you wrote.

so glad you're feeling good and enjoying your work, and your creativity.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks CF and san :hug: :hug:

No crises, no emergencies, most everything is going well with GS. He just feels a little 'hassled' when we're out zooming along - me on my bike and him on a non-motorised scooter. Sometimes I have to tell him to slow down or stay very close to me at night because he has no back light, just a reflective vest from me. He doesn't notice how much car drivers won't see him when they're turning across his path at an intersection - he's on the sidewalk and I'm on the road. But I remember at that age too - I had no idea how drivers would see me or not. He doesn't like being corrected on that but I know I'm doing it from a good place - I don't want anything to happen to him!

It's fun spending time with him and I do notice how much easier it is for me than last year so that's really cool.

I'm still noticing some of my post-Corona symptoms like shortness of breath and general physical tiredness, but it feels so much different from emotional tiredness, even tho emotional tiredness affects my body too - makes it tired. Wow. It's so interesting feeling this difference. Emotionally doing well atm and feel just physical tiredness. I'm flabbergasted at the difference.

Hey BB,

What a great post. Having fun with the GS!  They're so special.  I believe the reason our grandchildren get along so well with us grandparents is because we have a common enemy. (LOL).

Enjoy your GS!

It's so awesome that you went up to sing. I'm so proud of you!!!
And really thrilled for you that you were able to have GS visit.

I like reading about your parts work and the question about EF vs parts is interesting to me, too.


.

Papa Coco, GS is usually Grandson but in my case it's Godson. I have no children of my own.

Thank you Armee for all you said. :hug:

Today I wanted to get on with confronting my parents, but then I didn't. So accepting myself for it not being the day to do so, not quite strong enough emotionally or...? I think when I finally do it, it will bring a lot of forwards movement, possibly/probably preceded by a huge downswing. I'm not too enthralled about the downswing but heyho this is cptsd.

I note how much easier it was to do things for me and my godson than just for me: go to bed at a reasonable time, get up and get on with day, clean, tidy, wash dishes, prepare meals. GS helped a lot with meal prep but obviously needed somebody in charge and that was me. It helped me to realise that he can't get along totally w/o me. This might sound stupid, but, well obviously, ok some Part of me is worried about him being better / more than    than me. This is presumably a Part of me about his age or younger or maybe even a bit older who is not ... Well, I know in my head, I just can't write it down.
So I have less energy than when GS was here. But it was a really good visit. We did lots of fun things together!

so glad the visit went well, blueberry.  interesting how someone in our midst can generate energy for us.  i believe the conversation w/ your parents will come when it's time for it.  until then . . . please be gentle w/ yourself, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san :hug:

Oh absolutely BB. I'm not sure I'd be hanging on if it weren't for my kids and husband to need to really be there for. I'm glad GS was able to get some energy into your system. And you are just as important to take care of, in whatever way that care looks like at the moment.

I'd be tempted to take a healthy wait period for your system to reset from the visit before taking on the step of confronting your FOO. I think you're right it will both lead to some major progress but also will come with some huge internal backlash too. Hugs and strength. You got this. Build up your reserves and go for it. 

congrats on a happy visit! That's the good kind of tired. Hugs if you want them :)

I haven't been on here for a few days. I did round about zero today, except for putting out a number of items for bulk refuse collection tomorrow. At least that's got rid of a few items.

Quote from: Blueberry on September 04, 2022, 02:29:14 PM
GS helped a lot with meal prep but obviously needed somebody in charge and that was me. It helped me to realise that he can't get along totally w/o me. This might sound stupid, but, well obviously, ok some Part of me is worried about him being better / more than    than me. This is presumably a Part of me about his age or younger or maybe even a bit older who is not ... Well, I know in my head, I just can't write it down.

I was able to tell my occup. T about it yesterday though. Also about feeling 'less than' many other people including GS' parents, mostly in practical ways. But when I got on to telling OT why GS' mother is no-longer-friend, OT pointed out how in many ways esp. psychological/emotional, I'm way ahead of her.

But at least she is allowing and even encouraging contact between GS and me, which can't be said for B2 about his daughter, my god-daughter.

Today might have been a day to confront parents, whether by phone or email, but I didn't. I think I'm going to be and feel paralysed till I do so. Though I am getting on with appts if I have them, including teaching.

Quote from: CactusFlower on September 04, 2022, 05:28:09 PM
congrats on a happy visit! That's the good kind of tired. Hugs if you want them :)

Thank you CF hugs are always great  :hug: :hug: back at you.

I agree with OT that you may not be giving yourself enough credit! A day getting stuff out for reuse pickup is huge to me. That is a really hard task and I usually let that day slide by because I can't face it.

But I also relate to feeling like everyone is more capable, even children. I feel that way about my D a lot. We see our struggles without seeing our strengths. You have a lot of strengths, BB, not to minimize your struggles of course those are very real and debilitating too. But we have many facets and while the struggle is real....there are shiny special rainbow parts too.

 :yeahthat:  don't sell yourself short, blueberry, ok.  you are remarkable.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san and Armee. It's hard to believe those sorts of things, really believe deep down.
______________________

I'm quite surprised today to feel a little sadness that the Queen has died. I wouldn't call myself a monarchist, in fact the more I learn about the powers of the monarchy in getting around laws others have to follow e.g., the less I like, but still there's that little tinge of sadness.

I continue doing round about zero, fortunately I had 2 teaching appts today so I at least did them.

HUGS Blueberry. I'll be posting in a moment here about the Queen as well. it's the end of an era, no matter how we felt.

Blueberry, I wanted to share that I am checking in on your journal and appreciate you continuing to share your journey.

 :hug:

2 teaching jobs are not close to zero, in my book at least. But I understand feeling unproductive compared to what it feels like you should be capable of, and it sucks.

Well-put, Armee. It sucks. I've had another weekend of similar. Oh well.

Continue to do zero apart from roam around the Internet and doze when not on Internet. And put off writing to M and F to clear some things up and then presumably go more VLC or even NC.

It's OK. Take your time. You'll get done what you need when you are ready. Its scary to confront people who dysregulate us.

Quote from: Armee on September 13, 2022, 01:03:27 AM
Its scary to confront people who dysregulate us.

Thank you for this gem. Helps me see why I'm still stalling. My occup. T reminded me of something along those lines today too. But I saw your comment first :) :hug:

It explains why I've been spending so much time curled up in the fetal position.

i echo armee's words, blueberry.  you'll be ready when you're ready.  this is not easy terrain by an means. sending love and a hug filled w/ support and patience for yourself. :hug:

That fetal position is real. What you are trying to do is monumental. Getting the pace right is important.

also agreeing. you'll know when you finally can and pushing it probably won't help. Hugs to you.

Finally written and sent it. Turned out longer than I originally envisaged. I know my parents will find it abominably rude though really it's just very to-the-point.

They find anything I say or write 'rude' when I'm not bowing and scraping metaphorically-speaking.

A previous T - 20 years ago or so - commented on something I'd written to my parents that was also very to-the-point basically saying it was rude, though not in so many words. I said that I hadn't been capable of wording it any other way. T shrugged - intimating 'your problem'. It's the same here too. I spent ages on writing it and although it's not perfect and I had to semi-dissociate in order to do it and I still feel foggy after sending it, it's the best I could do. I know that FOO does not spend ages thinking what to say and write to me. On the contrary, they don't have any worries or concerns. They don't even have any concept of it being possible for them to be rude to me.

Anyway, whatever my parents write or however they respond or don't respond, there's very little chance of anything being in my favour, there's very little chance of them not continuing to gaslight or otherwise emotionally/psychologically abuse. I'm just sick of it hanging over me, 'it' being writing and sending the missive.

I lost a student today, I'm not actually too surprised that she can't afford to continue but it's always a little blow.
otoh something I've been trying to sell for a while on the Classifieds has finally got somebody interested and coming to check it out and hopefully buy it on Sunday. That will put a bit of money in the pot and give me more space. Less stress with LL too because said object is in part of the communal area.

Lots of hugs and support coming your way. What you did is monumentally hard and I am way impressed you I were able to battle through the fear and dissociation to do it. Wishing you peace.

Dear Blueberry,
That is great that you were able to send it, and that you wrote it.  Sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you both dear Armee and Hope  :hug:  The support is very much appreciated.

As seems usual for me these days, having done this thing hasn't immediately put me back on track or anything like that. In fact it wasn't till this early evening that I went and did some clear up in the garden, rather perversely because tomorrow somebody is coming to buy the thing I had on the Classifieds for rather cheaper than I was trying to sell it for. I agreed to the much lower price with the stipulation that he does something for me instead: the something being photographing other things I want to put on the local Internet Classifieds. I do advertise stuff w/o photos but it's much more likely to sell with a photo. So actually today could be better employed seeking out what I'd like a photo of.

In the past while I haven't been good about taking my medicine at all. The result is: I'm up half the night and sleep on and off all day and don't really get going till late afternoon. I know it's a form of self-sabotage. I don't know what else is behind it except probably this stuff with FOO. Of course it's a very big deal to stand up to them and the result is not likely to be joyous. In fact I'm likely to experience what I already basically know - that they don't really care about me. Some like F think they do, but he doesn't actually. And although I know they don't care I suspect there are Parts of me who don't know and it'll come like a punch to the gut.

I remind myself when I think how 'rude' my missive will appear that my parent's behaviour towards me is not OK. I don't know if it's rude - yes, it is in some cases. But their behaviour round about the subject of the missive has been dishonest and misleading. Dishonest despite me trying to get clarity for years. They have been dishonest and misleading. Deliberately so.

I did write more but I've deleted it. Things that are on the cards for me to do in the near future - FOR me rather than anything to do with FOO. But difficult things, where I feel shame at having not done them so far in life. I'm going to honour the Parts in me that don't want to write them.

The other thing(s) to do in the near future include: 1) keeping going in general e.g. what is the easiest most beneficial activity now? (that's not usually going back to bed, as I have been doing these past days/weeks)
2) continue to sort out and clear out - make SPACE! 3) especially sorting out and filing papers

Rude = truth. What they did and do is rude so when you speak truth about their behavior it sounds rude. But it's it's truth they have committed that is rude. I'll tell you it was a relief for me when I finally knew no matter what I did my mom would hate me and never change. Never apologize, never try to make things better. I could just accept THAT truth and stop torturing myself.

Accepting, AND honouring, one's self, and heart, often comes at a point, like yours, where you've honestly tried to explain and demand explanations in return. If that reasonable expectation can't be honoured, then notion of any rudeness don't really matter.

I'm lucky enough not to have living people to deal with per my major traumas, except for a sister who occasionally tries to intrude with agendas of her own. I held off what I needed to say, mostly out of regard for her children, who weren't a part of the problem. At any rate, I also felt the SPACE you mention once I finally was able to try and honestly communicate the matter. I don't think she 'got it' fully but I felt the bigger space and freedom on my end, even so. Yes, it seemed risky, but now I can see it was my only option to fully clear where I was about the whole sorry mess. It's like subtracting what needed to happen from so dominating one's mind.

Okay, sorry for the little personal rant, but reading of your situation just seemed to jar some feelings.

May you continue the strides you've made towards building a new pattern for your life.

Quote from: Armee on September 17, 2022, 07:55:09 PM
Rude = truth. What they did and do is rude so when you speak truth about their behavior it sounds rude. But it's it's truth they have committed that is rude.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I read this late last night and it's been helping me.  :hug: I certainly feel more in my Adult today.  :)

Quote from: woodsgnome on September 18, 2022, 03:24:39 AM
Accepting, AND honouring, one's self, and heart, often comes at a point, like yours, where you've honestly tried to explain and demand explanations in return. If that reasonable expectation can't be honoured, then notion of any rudeness don't really matter.

Thank you, woodsgnome! btw that's not a "little personal rant" you've written, it's a helpful reaction to what I'm going thru, giving me some words and some clarity on what's going on for me atm.

Yes, I still do have living people. My B was one of them so... and even tho he apologised for his part in what was then, he's part of the ongoing abuse now. As is my other B. My parents obviously so.

Yes, "risky" but "only option". I note writing that now that my breath pattern changed but not as much as has sometimes been the case.

blueberry, i can only commend you for writing your truth and allowing it to stand w/o backing down.  i also think truth is truth, and your truth is real, honest, and needed to be spoken by you at this time.  foo will do and think what they want about it - there's no stopping that - but i see this as a self-care/self-advocacy situation.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support and 'rude-away' spray. :hug:

Blueberry, I appreciate you reflecting in this way as it supports me in learning ways I can consider my experience.  I hope that continue to find moments of pause to consider.

 :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 18, 2022, 03:53:29 PM
blueberry, i can only commend you for writing your truth and allowing it to stand w/o backing down.  i also think truth is truth, and your truth is real, honest, and needed to be spoken by you at this time. 

Thank you. You're right. It really needed to finally be spoken!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 18, 2022, 03:53:29 PM
i see this as a self-care/self-advocacy situation. 

You're right. That's what it is. Thank you for pointing that out in so many words.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 18, 2022, 03:53:29 PM
'rude-away' spray

I love it!  :))

__________________

I'm doing somewhat better today. More energy. I won't say I bounded out of bed but I got up with more ease than in the past few days/weeks and I got up with some plans for the next while and with more things taking shape in my head.

I was able to teach better today than in the past while, much more structured this afternoon and I was able to prepare properly in advance. Sometimes it takes aaaages and it's still not adequate, in that I continue to feel all unstructured in my own mind etc. This morning I finally cycled out to my student, something I'd been intending to do for months. She'd invited me to drop by her place sometime and I'd never managed but now I have! Lovely place with a lovely garden. I knew it would be helpful for her language-learning if she had to talk about her garden and show me around. I didn't have to prepare that much either. I just had to get there. It was good for me to cycle. I was surprised and heartened that I didn't have to get off and push my bike anywhere altho there are a few long, steep hills up and down both ways.

I do have more to write and want to comment on other people's Journals too - maybe a bit later.

Hugs, blueberry, that sounds like a lovely day. How nice that you could get out and do that! And I agree that learning is so much easier when it's fun and you like the topic. That's why I started my Spanish with food and cooking. (I should get back to that, LOL) Here's wishing you more lovely days.

Thank you CF! :hug:

Today I ignored my alarm and missed my occup. T appt. I'm lucky that OT is very cool about that. I did phone him before the end of the appt this time.

I have so much bubbling below the surface but can't face writing tho doing so would probably help. It's mostly stuff about the present - trying to move office or not; clearing things out or not; need to ask LL something - my heart sinks at the prospect; apply for a small job in Nov./Dec.  - would mean I'd probably have to miss choir practice and Xmas singing this year which ought not be a problem but could be, being one of my supportive activities. There's more. And there were crazy dreams last night meaning there's a lot going on in my subconscious. Which is good but tiring and difficult. Often it's best to ignore plans and things like potential moves while all that's going on. But otoh...

My impression is that a number of other mbrs on here are doing huge healing work atm. I wish I was. Till I remember - hey, don't slag yourself off - that email last week was huge.  :applause: to self.

Oh my goodness I laughed out loud at you starting to beat yourself up because others were doing big healing work! That email was MASSIVE!!!! You deserve the medal I think. 😉

I also appreciate you calling out elsewhere how the theme seems to be how we were all or most of us primed for further abuse by how we were raised. That's very true.

Hmm. I'd feel sad if you missed Xmas choir...that seems important to you. But congrats on the potential job! That'll be a tough decision for sure.

Came on here to write something else, but I'll give it a miss for the moment since quite triggering for me once I write it.

I'm sitting in my office in the evening and I actually have just been finishing up some work. My lights are on, my shutters are open and my sandwich board is still out front. I noticed that people from the house next door were dragging their waste-paper containers and boxes with additional paper and cardboard in front of my office again tho I had asked them not to. So I opened the window and said I'd really appreciate it if they didn't because among other things it makes my sandwich board hard to see. The neighbour asked where she's meant to put the bin instead, so I said 'in front of the shop in your building'.It has a big picture window all the way down to the ground and I know the shop owner doesn't want her buildings' bins in front of her shop, but I don't want them either.

Yes, I know, me and these kinds of boundaries are a big topic and maybe if my other kinds of boundaries hadn't been run over so often in childhood and later by FOO, I wouldn't care. That's what they intimated when I was inpatient. But. I'm accepting for myself that this type of thing still bothers me. I don't think the neighbours are narcs, but somehow in their heads it's better to push all the garbage containers in front of the building w/o a huge shop window down to the ground, even if it's not their building. For them, logically, it impunes me and my office less than the shop in their building. But I don't see it that way. The neighbour was pretty miffed and said 'Good bye' in a pretty clipped way when she'd finished moving her bins back to the front of her building.

Now that i've written it all out, I feel better. But before doing so I was all kind of shivery and jumpy with this heavy feeling in my gut. So people would ask "Is is worth it?" or say "choose which fights you start". Well, this is one I choose. Nobody needs to see it my way, but I'm accepting that that's just the way I am still.

blueberry, of course those boundary issues are a big topic for you.  considering all you've gone thru i can't imagine they wouldn't be.  and they may continue for who knows how long.  but i love that you  :applause: yourself.  that kind of encouragement and support is what you deserve, not only from others but yourself as well.  please, be as gentle as you can w/ you.  gentle and kind hug coming your way, filled w/ love and more acceptance for who you are at this moment. :hug:

It's really positive in my opinion that you stood up for your boundaries and said essentially that you matter.  :cheer:

Quote from: Blueberry on September 21, 2022, 05:10:40 PM
Yes, I know, me and these kinds of boundaries are a big topic and maybe if my other kinds of boundaries hadn't been run over so often in childhood and later by FOO, I wouldn't care. That's what they intimated when I was inpatient. But. I'm accepting for myself that this type of thing still bothers me. I don't think the neighbours are narcs, but somehow in their heads it's better to push all the garbage containers in front of the building w/o a huge shop window down to the ground, even if it's not their building.

Hi Blueberry,

I don't think you have to make any excuses for setting this boundary. It sounds like you were well with your rights to do so. I'm sure there's a bylaw in there too about where a specific building is to leave their trash. So, well done for recognizing that it bothers you and saying something about it. I think this is what people growing up in healthy homes/relationships learn to do and we have to work at it.

Sending you support,
Dolly

Hugs, Blueberry

Ugh, some people are just jerks. Good on you for setting this boundary, regardless of size. You have just as much right for people to see the board as they do a window. Here's to small victories that add up!  :hug:

Thanks for all the responses :hug: Very helpful. Too exhausted to write more on that.

I'm doing a bit better today than the past few days but rn I can feel that I've done my limit for today. Feel as if I'm barely hanging on. I did manage to accomplish a number of things though - 3 students for one thing, but other stuff too. Cooked myself a proper meal. Washed the dishes. Did a load of laundry and hung it out. Chatted to friends I bumped into. collected a prescription from GP and then got the medicine. Tidied a little, but a little is better than not at all.

Again, that's a lot to accomplish Blueberry.  :grouphug:

Thanks for pointing that out Armee! :hug:

i got tired just reading about all the things you accomplished, blueberry!  that's more than i'm able to do in a day.  way to go!  love and hugs :hug:

I agree, that's a productive day! Hugs and energy to you.

Thanks all for pointing out that I got quite a lot done yesterday, wow, it always seems so little and that I have this huge list of things still to do etc etc and that other people all manage far more. Yes, OK, I know, I know, comparing isn't helpful.  :grouphug:

Quote from: Blueberry on September 20, 2022, 08:55:48 PM
I have so much bubbling below the surface but can't face writing tho doing so would probably help. It's mostly stuff about the present - trying to move office or not; clearing things out or not; need to ask LL something - my heart sinks at the prospect;

So on Thursday, a mere 2 days later, I wrote a little list and phoned LL :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Got several things cleared up. Thursday an additional problem had cropped up to do with the workmen who were setting up to start renovations and it had to be dealt with for my peace of mind, so that's why I phoned. Yay :applause: for me for managing that because 'have to' is often a big problem for me, like 'should'!

The thing I'd really been dreading bringing up and which had been weighing me down for 2 months was his misunderstanding of an important letter I sent him. He probably skim-read because I know my written statement was totally clear. A friend who is a legal secretary read the letter for me before I sent it, made a couple of little changes but said: "Wow, impressive, lots of native-speakers can't write like that!" Anyway so LL misread that I was going to relinquish my right to use the business toilet since business neighbour and I can't 'agree' on usage. Whereas actually I wrote that I was going to relinquish any expectations of the toilet being left in an appropriate state after each usage. (I won't go into details of what the inappropriateness has been over the past few years.) I had to clear up this misunderstanding because in LL's response to my letter he said he'd alter my rental agreement to reflect the change. (In his head anyway, I haven't been given an amended agreement to sign.) Surprisingly, he did hear me out on my explanations of what I had actually written and why. Even though he could definitely hear that I was annoyed - mostly about business neighbour, but also a little about LL himself taking business neighbour's side w/o knowing the facts. One of the things I did say is that business neighbour needs the law laid down a bit and said to LL that he tells me what's what, so he could tell bus.neighbour too! LL says it's a "cultural problem" to which I answered that as a foreigner you sometimes have to fit in a bit yourself and do what the locals do - I did too when I moved here - and that bus.neighbour needs a MAN to tell him what's what. (Unfortunately he's from a culture where women don't have much say.) LL said he would say something to bus.neighbour. Idk if he actually will, but at least he allowed me to speak my mind w/o interrupting and threatening me with huge costs which he did last time.

I had pschotherapy not to confuse with my occupational therapy ;) on Thurs. morning which certainly helped me gather up the courage and strength to phone LL. I don't have a new psycho T but until I do, I'll be able to go to my old one 2-3 times per quarter. See, finding a new T is just one of about 35 things - big and small - I 'ought' to be doing in the next 3 months. So that's one reason I often feel I'm not doing enough - constant list of important things to be doing.

Quote from: Armee on September 22, 2022, 05:37:01 AM
It's really positive in my opinion that you stood up for your boundaries and said essentially that you matter.  :cheer:

Yes, thank you for giving me the words for what I was doing. :hug:   It's basically what my T said on Thursday too.

Of course it's so difficult for me, so many people over the years have showed me that they don't think that I matter, starting in infancy - that's the &%!?§ trauma.

Quote from: CactusFlower on September 22, 2022, 03:14:31 PM
Good on you for setting this boundary, regardless of size. You have just as much right for people to see the board as they do a window.

Thank you for saying that. It helps.

Quote from: CactusFlower on September 22, 2022, 03:14:31 PM
Ugh, some people are just jerks.

Yes, I guess so. You know I've really been wanting to write that my bus.neighbour (the messy toilet one) is a total jerk but as per the Guidelines we're not meant to name-call on here and I used to be a Mod and quite strict on that kind of thing :whistling:   But increasingly I've been realising that for some people there just is no other word.

My T said that why other people behave the way they do towards me is not something I should be puzzling over, the thing is to keep setting my boundaries, even though it's really strenuous for me. But when I pressed him a little on the issue, he agreed with what I've heard before in inpatient places, 12 Step groups etc: There are people out there who sense that people like me don't have strong boundaries (or in some situations no boundaries at all) and those that so desire try to take advantage of it. Those who desire: present LL, previous LL, bus. neighbour, all other neighbours in bldg to some degree, various people in neighbouring building on one side (tho fortunately not on the other side), and more I'm sure but I don't want to think up any additions for that list atm.
So it's a result of my childhood, FOO, cptsd? Yup. $%§!% trauma. Yup.
So that's one reason why it's so important I get into weekly psycho-T again, so I can progress in my healing? Yup.

Wishing you much energy and luck for finding your new T. You're right...it IS important...and also a very difficult task.

Hugs, Blueberry.  And yes, I'm familiar with that focus on self thing in programs. I'm in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. They have a version of the serenity prayer I actually prefer to the original.

(Higher Power), grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.

It's a lot of work to remember, but I've found it very helpful to keep hearing that I can't be responsible for other's actions and thoughts. That's on them.
Wishing you care and energy.

CF, actually I always misunderstood the serenity prayer to mean that I have to accept people the way they are and so I'm not allowed to set limits, speak my mind etc. That I understood it that way has to do with FOO of course... It was more like in after-meetings that this thing was mentioned about certain people sensing you didn't have boundaries and taking advantage of it. Once a T even said so in inpatient therapy. A mother talked about her 12 yo daughter's behaviour and T said: "She's acting up because she can't sense any boundaries."

_______________

I had been thinking of applying for a little p/t job for November and December. It would be shelving products in a local department store, probably in the toy dept. I did it once before. Decided against it today because applying for it would be one extra task for me at a time when I have a whole load of tasks waiting to be done including finding a new T, finally getting my tax docs from 2021 in :whistling: and sorting thru and clearing out papers, but atm also my storage space in the bldg which will probably include having to ask around to see if I can find somebody to store my spring-fall bike over the winter. As with applying for a job, these are almost all tasks that involve phoning/emailing people to inquire about...

Also the building site is right outside my office windows and will be loud - I'll probably have to move some of my students to early evening so it doesn't make any sense whatsoever to take on an evening job elsewhere. Also, I am noticing that trying for that job has a bit of an escape aspect to it. Flight.

I have a head-ache today which makes writing bills difficult, especially totting up lessons so that I can write the bills and/or teaching contracts, so I decided to do different things - now to get on with those things :yes:

 :grouphug:

That seems smart to me to not apply for the job for all the reasons you listed.

Hi Blueberry,
I have always found the Serenity prayer to be a bit triggering, as my FOO used to mention it sometimes, as if it was a way to prescribe boundaries - and minimise things that meant something to me - so I related to what you said to CF about the Serenity prayer.

I hope that your head-ache goes away soon.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Armee and Hope  :hug: :hug:

Had quite a productive day again, despite my head-ache.
Apart from teaching one hour and bringing some late garden flowers into my apartment and into my office, I phoned a T in my town to see if she would be suitable for me, but I don't think she is. She said things like she needs to hear a therapy goal from me, she doesn't want people in 'permanent therapy'. Generally I would talk about goals in the first session, not on the phone with the initial inquiry. I was caught off-guard and blanked and couldn't remember any goals apart from 'not being triggered so much' but I didn't even say that. I'm basically in permanent therapy. But at least I inquired. There are a further 4 Ts to try, all in the town where my T of the past 5 years is. Since there's a network of trauma Ts in his town and he recommended me 3 of the 4, I'm sure they all know him. That will probably help with my inquiry. They won't start out with "But what do you expect from me that you haven't got so far in therapy?"

A very annoying thing happened today: I need to sell my recumbent bike. Partially we have to clear all the storage areas in the bldg by Oct. 3rd. Partially I can't ride it properly anymore, my hips have got too stiff. Well, I can ride it actually but I can't get off it w/o laying it on its side on the ground and then stepping away. Not very feasible in traffic. I can't do shoulder checks properly anymore either, so riding would be dangerous. It has taken me till this summer to be able to consider parting from it from an emotional point of view. I put it on Internet classifieds 5 weeks ago :thumbup: but have had only one person seriously interested in it. For 10 days now he's been coming to get it and then not coming. Always something happened and he had to change his plans. So unreliable :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: On Sat he promised he was going to come Mon evening, come what may. But then this afternoon he emailed me that he'd injured his foot so he couldn't come. He did offer to send me €10 compensation for all the run-around he gave me. I think that's very cheap and said €20 would be more appropriate. I also suggested that maybe a friend of his could come by and collect it. But I don't suppose he's going to do that. But man was I steaming! :pissed:

The good thing tho is that I finally joined a recumbent riders forum so I can try and sell it there. Theoretically, I could've joined it in the summer but I wasn't able to for whatever cptsd-related reason. But I managed tonight :cheer:   I'm generally not very good at IT stuff. They don't have a newbies thread but I found a place where I could introduce myself because I felt that's what I wanted to do. It does take me courage to write on a new forum or sometimes even on a not so new one so  :applause: to self. I was also able to upload a couple of pics of my old recumbent. This is something I have trouble with - from the IT perspective - but I managed after a couple of tries. I can still feel nervousness in my gut but I managed :cheer: Before that I put up an ad on my professional forum and then after the big accomplishment of adding a pic on the recumbent forum I went back to professional forum and added one there as well. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is for me.

Hey, Blueberry, gentle hugs if you want them. I would have a serious red flag from that therapist you talked to. "permanent therapy" sounds very dismissive and like she absolutely doesn't understand our kind of trauma.  I hope you find someone better. My T and I both agreed when I said "He had the first 11 years of my life to do what he did, it's not going to get fixed quickly."

Sucks that you also found a real flake on the bike front. 10 days is more than enough to put up with excuses. if he wanted it that bad, he'd find a way. I hope putting the pics on the specific groups will help. Crossing my fingers for ya.

i didn't like that 'permanent therapy' bit, either.  there was actually a discussion about it one time on the emdr forum i belong to, and some therapist just think it's a waste of time!  i was shocked!  i voiced my opinion as a client how just cuz i'm not 'processing' something during a session, that doesn't mean i'm not getting something meaningful (such as stability, being heard, validated, accepted - things that might not sound important to others, but to me are extremely important).  i also asked my t about it, she didn't like that attitude, either.

c-ptsd is so much of a gray area, rather than a black and white 'i've got a goal of not washing my hand 15x/day' and when that goal is reached, i don't need therapy anymore.  ugh!  so much bad therapy going around, it's disheartening.  hope you find someone you can work w/ to your best advantage.

sorry about the bike situation.  i agree w/ CF that those are excuses, not reasons, and seem very disrespectful to you.  ugh!  sending love and a hug full of best wishes w/ all you've got going on. :hug:

Thanks CF, gentle hugs are good! :hug: backatcha.

My psych doc agreed that the T I spoke to doesn't sound good for my masses of trauma. I mentioned the situation to occup. T as well, adding that therapy with me can seem a little slow. He didn't speak to that directly and said instead that seeing/ hearing/ sensing the changes in me can bring a T satisfaction and even joy. At least in the local lingo it means 'joy'. It sounds kind of weird and OTT in English, to me. But yeah a T or other helper who can step back and watch me go thru stuff, supporting me when I need it and then stepping back a bit and being patient when I quite simply need time, is the kind of person I need. There have been helpers like this over the years and then others who would eventually get frustrated with me, or sometimes pretty much right away. They're not for me. I know that now. I have enough therapy under my belt to know I need to keep looking.

My psych doc found me a social worker who's going to come once every two weeks for about an hour and help me with whatever needs doing. I had an appt with her earlier this week and said what I most need help doing is sorting thru things, especially papers and throwing out or filing. Sometimes I know cognitively that I could throw something out but I can't somehow. The SW knows of this kind of problem and says sometimes I might need to talk about the piece of paper or more especially what's written on it in order to be able to let go. My impression of the SW is good. She asked if there is anything she shouldn't do or say. There is: putting me under pressure is a bad plan. She went one step further than I had even thought of and said there might be some appts when it would be better for us to go for a little walk or sort thru things for half an hour instead of a full hour, to really let the pressure off.

Today I have been doing some clear-out from the back storage area where I keep bicycles, gardening stuff and DIY stuff. Some of it is in my back office, lots in my apt (eek) but some I've thrown out or given away. Now my apt is quite full again. Managing to throw out or give away some stuff however :thumbup:   The week feels quite productive.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2022, 03:38:54 PM
i didn't like that 'permanent therapy' bit, either.  there was actually a discussion about it one time on the emdr forum i belong to, and some therapist just think it's a waste of time!  i was shocked!  i voiced my opinion as a client how just cuz i'm not 'processing' something during a session, that doesn't mean i'm not getting something meaningful (such as stability, being heard, validated, accepted - things that might not sound important to others, but to me are extremely important).  i also asked my t about it, she didn't like that attitude, either.

I'd say "weakness" on the part of the Ts who think being heard, validated etc is a waste of time. Sometimes we cptsd-ers know more than the Ts. If they're not willing to hear us and learn from us, then that's to their disadvantage!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2022, 03:38:54 PM
c-ptsd is so much of a gray area, rather than a black and white 'i've got a goal of not washing my hand 15x/day' and when that goal is reached, i don't need therapy anymore.  ugh!  so much bad therapy going around, it's disheartening.  hope you find someone you can work w/ to your best advantage.

I have so many goals! Just having one T appt last week with T-of-the-past-5-years where we weren't actually processing anything helped me get back on my feet a little and it especially helped me finally send a letter to my parents. Somehow that required an additional step of courage, in addition to sending them the email. I also sometimes work on xyz and pqr improves, so yeah, cptsd is not black and white.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2022, 03:38:54 PM
sorry about the bike situation.  i agree w/ CF that those are excuses, not reasons, and seem very disrespectful to you.  ugh!  sending love and a hug full of best wishes w/ all you've got going on. :hug:

Someone w/o my particular brand of cptsd might have said "Enough already!" earlier than I did. However now that I'm on the recumbent-riders forum I've been told I was trying to sell it way too cheap. And some people suggested ways I could maybe alter it a bit to be able to ride it again. So the fact that I could possibly get a few hundred euros more for it means it's good that guy never came. As for riding it again, hm, idk, though the idea is somewhat appealing. It's a better quality of bike than my new second-hand recumbent but I'm unlikely to be able to sell it before next spring now anyway. Need to think and ask around whether anyone I know has room for it in their storage area till the renovations are done in this bldg. These steps seem manageable atm :thumbup: Not too long ago they would have felt unmanageable.

You are truly amazing Blueberry finding and getting help, setting boundaries, standing up for yourself. That T sounds like a terrible fit. Not open.

Thank you for reminding me to trust in the experience I have even if other professionals or folks don't see it or understand it or acknowledge it.

A sofa day, snuggled under blankets reading. Though there is so much to do, so much I even need to do. But I suppose I need this too.

needs are arbitrary, individual for each of us.  a sofa day, a games day, a sleepy day, a tv day - all are necessary sometimes.  i give you credit, blueberry, for listening to your own individual need signal and acting on it.  well done in the self-care department! :thumbup:  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you san :hug:
Spent a similar day today.
Though I did throw a few things out and arranged for a few things to be collected tomorrow. But basically I can't be bothered atm.

Things are better with LL atm. He has taken a couple of things seriously.

Last week in occup. T, I finally took my new smartphone which I can't use. I yawned and yawned (always a sign of something going on) and felt emotions that I can't name except to say emotions I dread and don't want to feel. Impulses of violence towards smartphone, not that I'll carry them out. I've had these before e.g. as part of trichotillamania. I imagine they have nothing whatsoever to do with the smartphone. But it helps me better accept myself and my difficulties using the smartphone.

hi Blueberry,

I rewatched the Great Hack again and you may be onto something about being weary of smart phones  ;D

I find that when I've been criticized so much for something (well I know I have), it activates a part of me that deals with performing in front of people. It's like I'm outside myself watching me do something I know how to do because others are watching me, and then I mess it up even though I know how to do it. Although I know I'm doing it, the watching me bit, it's like I can't stop. Perhaps there's something similar with the smart phone? You're hesitant because someone has criticized you before? But we all need to start somewhere and usually our ideas about having to be "perfect" at something, maybe came from someone's expectations and have no basis in reality.

Hope it goes well,
dolly

 :grouphug:

Thanks Not Alone :grouphug:

Quote from: dollyvee on October 03, 2022, 11:33:48 AM
I find that when I've been criticized so much for something (well I know I have), it activates a part of me that deals with performing in front of people. It's like I'm outside myself watching me do something I know how to do because others are watching me, and then I mess it up even though I know how to do it. Although I know I'm doing it, the watching me bit, it's like I can't stop.

I did get an awful lot of criticism from FOO throughout childhood and later but my reactions were different. I'm glad you wrote your perspective anyway because it's good simply to get a different perspective sometimes.

Quote from: dollyvee on October 03, 2022, 11:33:48 AM
... then I mess it up even though I know how to do it. Although I know I'm doing it, the watching me bit, it's like I can't stop. Perhaps there's something similar with the smart phone? You're hesitant because someone has criticized you before? But we all need to start somewhere and usually our ideas about having to be "perfect" at something, maybe came from someone's expectations and have no basis in reality.

Hm. There maybe is a Part of me who knows how to do it? But I can't access that Part. However even if that is the case, it's a very hidden unconscious Part. Because usually I'm at least aware of Parts even if I can't tap their knowledge.

________________________
I continue to not be able to be bothered although today I am at least accepting of myself that things are tough atm. Not only has FOO not got back to me, though expected so no huge surprise, it'll require a further step and then presumably NC. FOO weaves in and out of my dreams/nightmares...
Different bits of me want to do different things. I know I'm not in my Adult of Today when I want to give up my professional work but atm I'm just finding it all so difficult!! EVERYTHING is TOO MUCH! Sorry for shouting. That must be a younger Part wanting to be heard. My apt is chaos. There's work being done in the attic and a whole bunch of dirt and dust came down the chimney and landed by my gas boiler which is in the kitchen, also next to the shower. My whole kitchen and half of the adjoining room are/were covered in dirt/dust. If I'd known in advance I'd have covered up some of it with old sheeting or something. I cleaned a little yesterday and some more today - enough to finally attempt a shower and finally, finally a hair wash. But of course the water's cold. Long story.

Although the renovations aren't impingeing on me as much as I'd thought, at least objectively-speaking, they seem to be having an affect on my subconscious, at least I think so. I know, I know, with cptsd you're meant to work on increasing your resilience, but I don't think I have been doing so recently and any little thing sends me flying.

Yesterday LL and a gardener came around but I was actually able to save parts of my beds and agree to different parts going. Some of it was a relief actually because certain parts had got to the point where clearing them was just too much for me. That's what I also feel about the whole of my apt and office. There's just so much stuff - especially papers and books and pictures. I was trying to throw out some teaching material today and discovered I can't. But I really need to reduce.

Also technology is too much for me. Not just smart phone usage. Everything to do with phone (landline), Internet, email. Well no, not everything. I can use them all but I just feel sooo out of my depth. With setting them up somewhere else if I took an office in a neighbouring building and had to set up Internet there and even if I could use my smart phone and didn't need a new landline... If, if, if. These are things I need to inquire about and presumably I need to give myself time in order to do that.

Is it OK for me to respond to the good parts of your post? I'm so relieved you get to keep some of your garden plot!!!  :cheer:

And those renovations sound like a nightmare but it sounds like you are doing pretty well with that chaos and mess all things considered.  :cheer:

Your FOO...even though it is expected it still is upsetting. hurtful. It's also reaffirming that they are that terrible. Sending love your way if that's OK and helpful.

Thank you Armee, it is fine to respond to the good parts (or the bad parts). But response to the good parts is good because it re-affirms for me that there is good stuff happening, that I'm progressing. You sending love my way is very much appreciated! :) :hug:  You're right, FOOs behaviour is reaffirming how terribly they treat me.

I'm beginning to say out loud and to people that I'm really giving up my freelance work this time. Getting ready to tell an adult student this afternoon. Possibly keep on till end of the year at the latest, or till she finds somebody else if that comes earlier.

I have an adult student who won't be able to find anybody else (she's learning-disabled and has been coming for years). I will allow her to keep coming in some form, haven't worked out how yet. Possibly paying to a charity I wish I could support or maybe just cash-in-hand tho officially-speaking illegal. But I know I'm not the only one doing this type of work w/o accounting for it properly and I know I wouldn't be cheating the system of anything. Don't earn enough to pay income tax or enough to reduce my pension. Also have 2 school students who have been coming for a while. Haven't decided what to do with them yet. Possibly keep them till end of school year but slowly wind down, or keep one of them who has school-leaving exams of the easier variety (done at 16 yo rather than 18 yo). Have started winding down already - threw out a bunch of professional association mags this morning.

I do feel regret at my decision but also relief. With the relief comes a little release of energy, which I do need in order to wind things down, which includes writing and sending invoices some of which have been waiting for months! The months-wait ones have actually been paid in cash but I need to write those invoices as a receipt for the student and also for my own accounting. But I also need to write one big invoice for the adult student coming this afternoon. I know when I finally write it, she'll pay immediately.

blueberry, i share your overwhelm w/ technology.

QuoteAlso technology is too much for me. Not just smart phone usage. Everything to do with phone (landline), Internet, email. Well no, not everything. I can use them all but I just feel sooo out of my depth.

my D has to come to my rescue all the time.

hearing you talk about FOO and your freelance work in such a way, well, it sounds like growth to me.  having a better knowledge of what works or doesn't work for you, setting boundaries, being able to 'see' what people do to you, especially in harmful/hurtful ways.  i understand you've been needing some down days lately, but maybe all this decision-making and realization has something to do w/ that.

at any rate, i hope you are gentle w/ yourself while you lie on your sofa, take some time off, regroup, rejuvenate, realign - whatever it is you need for yourself.  sending love and a hug full of you. :hug:

hugs, blueberry.  sounds like the relief is a welcome thing, even if the road to it is complicated. Wishing you the energy you need to do things.

Blueberry, I appreciate your entry as I know that if I were able to find the words to explain my experience, you and others here would nod and relate.  I cannot seem to explain effectively to folks I work with that daily things that don't seem to bother others take a toll on me in ways they can't see.  Best wishes as you transition from freelance work.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 10, 2022, 03:16:39 PM
hearing you talk about FOO and your freelance work in such a way, well, it sounds like growth to me. 

It is growth, san, thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks CF and rainy for your support.

When I've been sleeping badly, I'm meant to take my evening meds so I did yesterday. I slept better and with fewer dreams e.g. of FOO weaving in and out and me trying to set boundaries in dreams etc. But today I feel a little hung over.

I was at occup. T this morning and got praise and support for my decision to stop freelancing. It's my decision, nobody can make it for me and it would be nobody's place to criticise it, but it's still good to feel the support. I know weeks ago I missed an occup. T appt and didn't contact till the evening. Occup. T mentioned that today that that time I'd said everything was too much and this time he notices a big difference. I am saying everything is too much (it is) but I'm putting the brakes on before it's all too much. I'm putting the brakes on and deciding a change in direction in order to take responsibility for other areas of my life other than teaching and attempting to make money. That previous stuff isn't all what occup. T said, some of that is my thought-process since my appt a couple of hours ago.

Also I'm getting and accepting help before it's too late. A social worker is coming today and will come every 2 weeks for the next while to help me organise my apt - get papers filed and/or thrown out. Since I'm feeling rather hung over today I intend now to go and wash the dishes, a physical task being something I can do much better than deciding on bits of paper or not. I think the social worker will not be too surprised or shocked to see the state of my apt. Again, I'm getting help before it gets even worse and I bet she prefers somebody like me to get help before the place is a complete Messy Anonymous kind of place. I met the social worker 2 weeks ago and think she's a good fit for me. Getting things like that straightened out is SO much more important than teaching a couple of people. Because getting things straightened out is FOR ME before things get worse. I also need to straighten out my financials so I know how much I have for the next years / rest of my life. More to come on that but not rn. The dishes are calling. So are my furbabies.

For me putting on the brakes has been very necessary and positive and I don't regret it yet. I hope your experience too is positive. Sending lots of support as  you tackle paperwork and financials. :grouphug:

I relate fully too to things being extra hard that are no big deal for other people.

As someone who's had a social worker for a BFF for over 15 years, trust me, they've seen worse. They're not there to judge, but to help. Hugs and wishing you energy for doing things.

Sleepless night. Maybe I should have taken my night meds, but I took them last night and they left me feeling hung over yesterday. Now I have a raging head-ache, did most of yesterday too. It made going to sleep difficult. It was one of the things anyway.

This early a.m. I was remembering that when I stopped moderating on here, the Guidelines and general things you look for as a Mod disappeared from my mind within a short time - I think just days, tho could have been a week. Anyway really fast. I have the feeling that it's going to be like that for me with translation/interpreting - that the terminology I have in my head and other aspects of the profession will be gone soon, really soon. Or at the latest when I've wound all the admin stuff up. A lot of it esp. terminology I never managed to keep in my mind anyway, I always had to look things up again, which made translating pretty time-consuming. Now I'll just be able to let it all go. And if it does all go really fast and doesn't come back, then that'll be further proof that the decision is the right one. Without that it's the right one anyway. If that makes sense.

It makes sense Blueberry and is something I experience too. Like as soon as I leave one role or stage of my life I cleave it off, it's just gone.

I hope your headache feels better soon.  :grouphug:

perfect, sense, blueberry.  many an exam i pulled an all-nighter for, got all that info into my head for the express purpose of passing, went right out again as soon as the exam was over.  i think we keep what we need when we need it, then it's just not as important to retain it further - we've got new and different things to focus on and retain.  keep up the good work, and, i agree, it's the right decision for you cuz it feels right. period.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 12, 2022, 03:55:41 PM
i think we keep what we need when we need it, then it's just not as important to retain it further - we've got new and different things to focus on and retain. 

Actually it's a little different than cramming for an exam and then forgetting everything. I try and teach my students in ways which help them retain the stuff forever lol because they need in order to progress. But what your comment helped me realise is that what I tend to retain is what is emotionally important to me rather than intellectually or rather than something I feel I should be able to retain. Oh there's that 'should' again, which is never good for me. So I 'should' be able to retain all that terminology I look up for legal translations, vital stats translations etc but I can't. That's part of my cptsd-brain problems. I won't forget my teaching methodologies and even materials (some created by me) and my students - including their successes (which are of course partially my success in teaching them well), even though once I stop teaching, I won't need to retain that for any reason but I will.

Today after teaching a 13-14 yo with my brain clear, I wondered if there isn't some way I could continue to teach the 3 students I currently have. (An adult student came for the last time today. I found somebody to take her on and she's switching right away. It's a relief for me.) School students esp. up to the stage of 16yo school-leaving exams are much easier for me to teach. I've been told before that these decisions I make totally and definitely(!!) and then go back on is connected to my Parts, which are not quite DID but getting that direction. There is definitely a side to Blueberry that doesn't want to give up, a side that tries and tries to find a way to keep going. I don't know if that's a Part but I suspect so. Anyway keeping going after all would involve speaking to the Pension people, my health care/medical insurance people and my tax accountant.

I don't think I've ever openly written here on OOTS about where I live in case FOO reads it and figures out who I am. FOO can take a running jump. They'll never read anything on here anyway. So, I live in Germany which apparently has the world's most complicated income tax system. I can't do my own bookkeeping and taxes. And although there are tax-aid groups, they're only for employed people, not self-employed. Of course that makes sense generally but I earn so little that my annual bill for bookkeeping and taxes is about 2 months' profit. On top of that, both the Pension people and medical insurance demand that my taxes are done by a professional, or at least they did a long time ago when my earnings were really really low. I wasn't allowed to just 'tot them up' and say: "Turnover was €800 last year and I'm not deducting expenses, so this is really easy". No. They said: "That looks like an estimate, you need to go to an accountant." It wasn't an estimate though, it really was my turnover!! There is this issue that sometimes red tape or similar prevents you from earning a little bit. It's better for me to earn a little bit rather than nothing. Yeah so I don't want to give up so easily. 'Easily'?? No, my decision to give up my freelance work was not giving up easily at all. So how can I describe what's going on? I guess, I don't give up. I keep going, despite all difficulties and set-backs and, yeah, despite longish emotional flashbacks of the kind that make my professional work almost impossible for days at a time, but I also sometimes keep going despite my better judgement which is something for me to watch.

If my discussions with Pension people, med. ins., accountant etc can provide me with a different way of handling all the admin or that is to say they change their tune a little on what they require and if I were then to continue, I'd a) have to really watch it in general and b) be very clear on what type of work I would do / what jobs I would accept and stick to that aka Boundaries!! I'm definitely giving up my office which will make the accounting etc easier since my overheads will be greatly reduced. So those are all things to consider. I'm open to suggestions or especially comments from others on here. Especially comments about me and work and my struggles and your impressions - rather than ideas based on what would work in your countries but not necessarily in Germany! My case is doubly complicated because of my disability pension on top of very p/t self-employed. Most Germans have no clue about all the red tape difficulties involved in my case either.

So much going on :stars: :stars: :stars: ??? :stars: Managing OK and surprised at offers of help from the most unlikely of places - vague acquaintances etc

Fortunately I don't need to move out yesterday or even in the next 2 days. The place will only be in danger of dropping things all over my apartment or on my head if the renovation continues in that one tricky spot. Fortunately they have to wait with that till the 2 of us with apts in the risk-zone move out.

It's all pretty daunting but I'm doing a lot better than would've been the case just a few months ago. It's been heartening to read all the posts with hugs and good wishes over on my Enforced break post. Thanks everybody :grouphug:

Dear Blueberry,
Hope that it all goes ok for you, and sending you a big hug of support  :hug: 
Hope  :)

I'm relieved to know you have a bit of time and that it feels though not pleasant at least manageable. You are remarkable Blueberry! Oh my goodness you really are!!!!

You sent that note to your FOO and everything....YOU...are still OK! I'm sitting here doing a little happy dance for you.  :cheer:

Thank you Armee :hug: Your words are so helpful to me, so uplifting and this little voice in me is even saying "So true" Some part of me agrees with you on me being remarkable. Gulp. But I've leaving it up.

____
I'm continuing to do well in the circs. Coming onto my computer to write some stuff out for appt at Tenant's Rights in an hour or so is causing stress. Writing things, making sure 'everything' is on my list nothing forgotten, coming onto PC to do it - all that seems to be a little triggering.

A lovely sunny day. I cycled over to the other part of town (uphill and downhill both ways) for my occup.T appt. In the end I didn't actually do anything (with my hands), I just talked about all the energy I have atm and what all is going on and how I'm managing. OT has never seen me with this amount of energy and go-getter whathaveyou. It is NOT because I 'have to' move because 'have to' is like 'should' for me. It doesn't work. It triggers in fact, leaves me emotionally paralysed. Something has changed internally, some trauma thing has dissolved or something like that. I think that's a sign that my setting FOO a limit and especially finally expressing some of my feelings towards them esp. anger, well I think that's partly what's allowing this release of energy.

I'm managing to compartmentalise things more than ever before previously. :cheer:

Today on the way over to OT I realised that exercise of whatever sort is good for me as long as I'm emotionally capable of it, which I have been so far today. That other guff like: "do exercises regularly, go for a swim 3x a week, it'll help your trauma recovery" is not applicable to me. May well be for lots of other on here, but not for me  :no: :no:   Nor is the idea of things like 'just go for a walk, you'll feel better.' No :no: :no: not necessarily. In fact mostly not, more likely to cause a physical and emotional collapse shortly afterwards.

For me atm:
:party:

                                                                           :fireworks:

Hugs, Blueberry, that's wonderful!  :hug: :thumbup: :cheer:

Not only having a lovely wave of energy, but figuring out what works for you, that's just wonderful. I am so happy for you! Congrats and wishing you more lovely days of biking and energy.

I'm glad you left it up.  :hug: and can feel it as true. It is true.

Tenant's Rights were wonderful! I won't have to move tomorrow or even next week. LL is legally required to provide much more help than he has so far offered. In fact, he has to pay for the whole moving out and moving back in and pay for the rent whereever I end up. He also has to submit this info to me in writing and signed. Tenant's Rights will write to him in a day or two reminding him of a few of these sorts of things. On account of that alone, it's going to take longer for me to move out than LL had hoped.

I'm super tired today. The stress I'd been holding down in order to function is coming up and the tiredness is making itself felt.

I'm also really really relieved.

That's wonderful news. Rest well and guilt free, Blueberry. You deserve that.

Thank you Armee :)  I was actually at choir practice this evening, which did me good. Sometimes it's not 'doing nothing' / 'lying on the sofa' that I need so much as doing some other particular inspiring thing, or doing something artistic or musical, or just going for a tiny little walk and enjoying trees and flowers. So that's the 'resting up' ;)

But I do note that I obviously need to take things more slowly than I would have been able to if LL had got his way. But fortunately he doesn't get his way. He has to act in accordance with Tenant Rights. He will get a surprise in a couple of days in the form of a letter from a lawyer at Tenant's Rights Assoc-n! I presume he was just trying it on, trying to see what he could get away with. Ha! He didn't realise that after the initial shock Blueberry here is capable of getting help from the TRA no less ;)

Also there's no point in me moving out before my upstairs neighbour does and she's a Messie so I don't think it's going to be super fast in her case. He can't just throw her out. If she doesn't get her act together, then he'd have to bring lawyers in. He probably has lawyers, but even so that's going to take a while too. Correspondence back and forth and refusals and what not. So who knows exactly but I imagine I have at least another month here, probably more. I am continuing with sorting and throwing things out, which is good preparation for a move.

wishing you energy to continue sorting stuff. Also glad to hear you have more rights than LL led you to believe. Gentle hugs and hoping this process goes as smoothly as you need it to.

This is all amazing Blueberry. The LL situation and your healing.

Actually my upstairs neighbour is beginning her move, by her small car so who knows how long it will take. She's moving out for good and not coming back.

I've just been on my professional forum and lo and behold a colleague (not that I know her) is looking for a native English-speaker lit. translator at the request of her editor. I started writing an email and then just blocked. Practically speaking, it's not a good time but still a good idea to have a chance at contact to the editor. But as I say, I blocked. Maybe later today.

Other things are flowing atm. Yesterday I felt good about the sorting and filing I'm doing. It's a new feeling. I feel fairly grounded in my Adult when doing it.

I was reading some old inpatient report yesterday in which M's (then) current age was mentioned. 59 yo. That's 7 years older than I am now. And it's not old. It's certainly not too old to be doing some work-on-self as we all are here. It's not an age thing, she just doesn't want to have to change anything. I know this is nothing new in itself but it just really hit me seeing her age in the report.

Thank you Armee and CF for your validation and care.

This time last week I felt quite good and stable. Now feel very alone, unstable and incapable of moving forward in any way tho I have to.

I hear the benefits of observing not absorbing. But I absorbed and took on what LL wrote in his latest missive - it's a load of blame basically though he has nobody to blame but himself and his own actions for me getting help from Tenant's Rights and also his continued actions in being scarce with the truth. He's bullying me, trying to make me decide between dealing with him alone or having Tenant's Rights deal with him. The latter would sound logical but they aren't always up to date on my internal decision-making process. It's not exactly like your long-term family lawyer's where they get paid tons of money for leading you through by the hand, if that ever happens anyway.

November 1st is a public holiday here so no occupational T. otoh my psycho T has recovered unexpectedly early from Covid so I'll get an appt this coming Thursday.

I know things could be far, far worse. But that's not exactly helping me rn.

 :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

your own struggles are bad enough for you, blueberry.  sorry about the ongoing LL thing. :hug:

Thank you all  :grouphug:

I've given LL a couple of suggestions, one yesterday, one today. Yesterday's he turned down. That tells me he'll be putting my rent up once this place is renovated, which means I won't be returning. Changes lead to new opportunities, but losing yard/garden is a big blow to me.

I'm a bit spaced or I suppose dissociated in order to deal with it all.

My suggestions to LL are negotiating under what conditions I would take the apt he's found for me for the interim. Except I know now it won't be the interim but probably a year or two until I can get a spot in social housing. There are long waiting lists and I'm not even on a waiting list yet. I 'should' be of course but I'm not and 'should' doesn't help.

Done a bunch of cowering under the bedclothes today but I did also go out and pick Greens for my furbabies, went for a tiny little cycle, chatted to a couple of people, smelled my rose and gave away / threw out some stuff. But I need to go through way more stuff and throw away / give away.

I feel bad writing on here because ICr is saying I'm not moving on anything rn, just wasting time. But I guess I keep needing downtime in order to then pick myself up again and start moving. I handed in my notice on my office today which is a big and final decision and I'm more in tune with clearing it out than my apt. But it's all back to front because I'll have to move out of my apt first. Yeah so ICr is wrong as usual.  ;)

big moves, big losses - no wonder you want to stay under the covers for a time!  it sounds to me like self-care, so i'm glad you're doing it.  love and hugs :hug:

 :grouphug:

I agree, inner critic is wrong. You are resting, storing energy for a difficult couple months, and thinking about how to handle this situation. You get stuff done when it needs to be done.

Thank you san and Armee for understanding and caring :hug: :hug:

LL hasn't responded to my additional offer. It is a public holiday here today but it wasn't yesterday. Late yesterday I remembered not to start panicking about 'nowhere to go' and ending up homeless because a) LL is merely showing his true colours and b) he is going to have to wait till my next official appt at Tenant's Rights which is in one week. Yup, he's going to have to wait a whole 7 days. I've known about having to move for a mere 2 1/2 weeks tomorrow (which isn't long when you have to be given 3 months' notice for moving in normal circumstances). I've known even less time that I'll have to move everything out of current apt including curtains, light fixtures etc and that I'll be somewhere else for months not weeks. That means the emergency places I found at short notice are all less than ideal. My time and effort wasted by LL.

Reminder to self: LL is going to try and pressure me but Tenant's Rights has my back. LL is being unreasonable and so he is going to have to wait. End of.

thank goodness tenants rights has your back, blueberry.  what a pickle to be in.  i understand the anxiety around not knowing where you're going to live, and it's awful.  much care and compassion coming to you.  love and hugs :hug:

I'm sorry you understand that kind of anxiety too san because that says to me you've been through it. But thank you for saying so. It helps.  :hug:

Tenant's rights does have my back, I think anyway, but still waiting for the other shoe to drop - that somehow LL will win out. As I write that B1 and to a lesser extent enF pass by my inner eye. Well, it's useful to know that the fear that somehow LL will win in the end is based on stuff out of my past.

_______
Today a friend was helping me sort papers and look for others. Turned out I don't actually need the 'others' for the moment, oh well. I was pretty spaced most of the time. It was really difficult. At least some stuff is properly filed and other papers in the bin.

I'm going to go and attempt to write a letter to FOO on Recovery letters because it's easier for me to write them on here than on paper. But actually I intend to write this letter in some form or other. Tomorrow I have psycho T so want to take letter and read it there.

I'm having a hard time accepting myself today - about my backlog in papers and sorting and getting docs for tax year 2021 to accountant in time or rather not getting them there in time, but I need that tax done so I can apply for subsidised housing. Which I need in about 4 months. However much like 'should' for today or tomorrow or some other future time is not helpful, 'should have' in the past is even less helpful.

I'm here with you today in the place of having trouble accepting oneself. 

 :hug:

I relate to the backlog BB. And it sounds like you are under enormous stress with FOO and living uncertainty and finances. Cutting yourself slack would probably be reasonable and in the long run more productive.  :grouphug:

A little tiny bit at a time like just putting all the papers in a pile for one day then sorting into piles the next then sorting thru each pile slowly. .or whatever it takes to not be such an overwhelming task. That's how I have to approach that stuff.

That makes two of us struggling on this point. Thanks for letting me know. At least feeling understood and not alone is helpful :hug:
[Added on Nov. 3rd: I'm not sure now if "two of us struggling on this point" was for you rainydiary or for Armee?? I think for you rainydiary]
____
I've written (but not sent) missive to my parents. I'll take it to T tomorrow so he can vet it for me. I started writing a missive to B1 and B2 too but I noticed it was turning into a big JADE about what I had written to my parents. Not what I actually intended to write tho undoubtedly what some part of me wanted to write. But Adult me is overruling that.

FOO simply doesn't respond when they don't want to. They don't want to when I'm getting out of line in their eyes e.g. by demanding they finally give me an answer or simply by my saying 'No' / setting a limit. No way, BB, that's not allowed. So I get 'punished' by no answer forthcoming / a garbled response like 'we couldn't understand your defective use of language', being pushed out of the family circle ie. ostracised by everybody and a bunch of stuff like that. It's kind of like with LL atm. Whatever I write, whatever I suggest as a possible bit of give-and-take whereby I would be willing to move into the one and only apt he's proposed for me to move into, he doesn't respond to. Why's he annoyed with me? Because I got support from Tenant's Rights. And because I know my rights at least partially even without TR. He's annoyed because he can't push me around as much as he'd like to. It's still really strenuous for me.

Quote from: Armee on November 02, 2022, 08:42:30 PM
:hug:

I relate to the backlog BB. And it sounds like you are under enormous stress with FOO and living uncertainty and finances. Cutting yourself slack would probably be reasonable and in the long run more productive.  :grouphug:

A little tiny bit at a time like just putting all the papers in a pile for one day then sorting into piles the next then sorting thru each pile slowly. .or whatever it takes to not be such an overwhelming task. That's how I have to approach that stuff.

The backlog is way, way longer. Some of it goes back years... But you're right, cutting myself some slack is reasonable and more productive. You're also right that I'm under an enormous pile of stress due to FOO, finances, decision on whether to continue freelance work or not, LL, where am I going to live?? am I going to have to put a pile of stuff in storage? am I going to have to find (and pay for) a temporary home for my furbabies so I can go live in a friend's basement apt? (she has terrible allergies, that's why: no pets).

At least every day i do throw some stuff out :applause: Mostly it's papers but some things are actually objects which would take up space so getting rid of them gives me future space.
 
Well, it's T tomorrow with an early train due to delays on the line so I'd better go to bed and/or explore why I don't want to go to bed or to T tomorrow.

blueberry, sending love and hugs to you.  i've found when i actually list things like you did, it makes it clearer just how much i'm dealing with.  in some ways i've found a bit of relief, knowing it is overwhelming, or i have accomplished a lot.  i wish i could be there to help you.  :hug:

Thank you san, it's much appreciated :hug:  I know you've moved a lot in the past few years so you have experience both with the upheaval and with the work involved.

Part of the strain and stress for me is the idea of  getting rid of stuff before I'm emotionally ready to do so. First the idea of moving gave me some impetus to get rid of things I wouldn't have otherwise done. But I think I'm going to have to get rid of way more, mostly just give away or throw out too. It's not as if I'm going to make big money or anything.

Today I went to T appt and talked about the missive I'm attempting to write to my parents and to my sibs. My T asked what would  speak against telling my parents some home truths before I go NC along with giving them a last chance for saving contact with  me which there is 0.0000000001 % chance of them taking: if you want any contact with me at all before your dying day, act now. Tell me the truth about family money. Start treating me like your daughter rather than something you wipe your feet on.
That kind of thing. It's really hard. Tho I think the hardest is accepting that they have been lying to me for about 6 years, at least, and that they just don't care. So writing that letter to them and knowing it is the end. What's preventing me sending it asked T. Two things: one tiny little bit in me that's still hoping they might help financially after all. And then something like a conscience I suppose, but a conscience in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong situation. FOO are the ones that ought to have a bad conscience if anybody does. Anyway, my bad conscience is maybe an ICr - the voice of all the people in the past including friends - even current friends - but also I note while I write it: both my sibs  - saying "if that's the way you speak to your parents, no wonder they're disinheriting you". But that's DARVO. Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender. My parents and sibs aren't my victims! 

 :hug:

One of my sisters favorite songs is "Cause and Effect" by the White Stripes. The music style isn't really my jam but the lyrics are spot on for how many of us are treated by family. Your post reminded me of it. You are right...they are not the victims. Perhaps going no contact without explicitly calling it out would preserve some hope of financial support. Or maybe for yourself you need to stand up for yourself and just say "NO!" But you do know that they are not going to suddenly see the light and start treating you right. This isn't a case where you've just not been clear with them...the way they treat you is intentional and they can't and won't change no matter how you ask.

 :yeahthat:  i totally agree, they are not your victims, rather the other way around.  i read your 'not to be sent' letter to FOO, i thought it was clear, concise, coherent, and straightforward.  sending you all kinds of strength for what you're going thru, blueberry.  love and hugs :hug:

 :yes: I agree with what san said.  Sending hugs and strength for you. There is no requirement to be good or kind to someone who has hurt you. It's their loss because they won't get to realize what a cool and strong person you are.

Thanks all  :hug:

Want to write a little for myself before I go to bed. Yesterday i was at T and today I'm doing a lot better. Got more done than I normally can atm. Feeling clearer tho not completely clear. Clearer in what I want to do and steps to be taken. otoh I keep mislaying things in my apt and/or office and forgetting what I'd just wanted to do. In a worse way than normal forgetfulness. When I was inpatient my T said that was an effect (or affect?) of different Parts. My spelling is really bad atm too. Normally I don't have a problem working out whether to write 'affect' or 'effect'. rn I don't have a clue for nouns. It's not the end of the world but I do notice some written language problems atm. But despite that I am doing a whole lot better than just Thursday morning when I almost didn't go to T at all. I was considering phoning to ask if we could do a video call all the while knowing that it really would be better for me to go in person.

LL has agreed to one of my suggestions on - OK, I can take the apt he wants me to move to in theory temporarily but in practical terms he wants the move to be permanent. I suggested if he lets me off my office lease 2 months early then I'd be willing to move to said apt. It's not well insulated and the windows are terrible so the heating costs are really high, so that's why I first said :no: :no:    But if he's letting me off 2 months' office rent, then that's a slight financial compensation. I'll really believe it when it actually all works. I have stuff to discuss with Tenants Rights at my appt in a few days, among other things forcing LL to step up to his obligations towards me which include paying the whole removal to new apt. He hasn't agreed to this yet in written form via email never mind signed and sealed so to speak. Tenants Rights has already reminded him that it is his obligation. So we'll see.

Still lots of energy (by my standards), still mislaying things. Just a few minutes ago I was thinking 'Wow! I'm getting so much done today! I'm thriving instead of merely surviving'. But then realise that by my standards I'm thriving - which is good!! - but my energy levels and ability to do things would not equate to thriving for somebody my age w/o cptsd or similar. I don't think it would be thriving even for somebody 20-25 years my senior or even 30 years. That's not a bad or depressing comparison for me. It's more that it shows me my reality. This is how I am due to the appalling abuse at the hands of FOO including years of ongoing abuse as an adult.

Wanted to write sth else but forgotten what. I mislaid the thought ;)

Quote from: Armee on November 03, 2022, 09:50:27 PM
Perhaps going no contact without explicitly calling it out would preserve some hope of financial support. Or maybe for yourself you need to stand up for yourself and just say "NO!" But you do know that they are not going to suddenly see the light and start treating you right. This isn't a case where you've just not been clear with them...the way they treat you is intentional and they can't and won't change no matter how you ask.

Thanks for your suggestion Armee :hug: Unfortunately there is no hope. There is this tiny little smidgen in me still hoping in vain, but the smidgen is much smaller than just a few months ago and way way smaller than over the previous years.  A long time ago I was told by a T that B1's raging and out-of-control anger towards M when B1 was still a child would command some form of respect so that's why it worked. I suppose it's conceivable my parents might react more favourably towards me after a controlled explosion of anger from Adult me. But it's unlikely. Because what that T back then didn't realise is that for whatever reason I was designated as Chief Scapegoat from birth. I'm also done with asking or being polite or holding my anger back so as to hopefully get financial support. Because it doesn't work! So yes, I need it for me to finally speak my truth, the truth I've been holding back so as to not step on toes and lose my inheritance. At least I've received some financial support this year even if it's the last I'll receive. I'm looking forward to writing: I'm SO DONE with you guys (with FOO of course, not the good people on here)

While writing the above I was thinking of the experiences of an old mbr on here (called ah) and what she wrote: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8150.msg55599#msg55599  Along the lines of accepting the money (which she had done previously) was being paid to accept abuse. At that point back in 2017, I was still pussy-footing around with my parents and so it seemed my parents weren't quite as deranged as ah's FOO but as months and years went by I realised that they are. They're narcs, they don't care that they're hurting me and that they're lying and being deceptive. They're like cats playing with a mouse or bird before they kill it. Except cats presumably have some instinctual reason to behave like that whereas my FOO is supposedly composed of humans who could decide not to follow their instinct of doing some torturing before the actual attack.

Thank you CF and san for hugs and support. It was so good to read that yesterday!

Quote from: CactusFlower on November 04, 2022, 04:46:10 PM
There is no requirement to be good or kind to someone who has hurt you. It's their loss because they won't get to realize what a cool and strong person you are.

Thanks :) Your first sentence feels new to me, new idea :blink:  I do realise and agree with you that it's FOO's loss not knowing me and who I really am. I've kind of known that for a while but it's still really helpful to read someone else's take on it, like yours now :hug: I didn't realise I'm a cool person, I don't think anybody has ever described me that way to my face before. :boogie:   I know I'm strong but I often 'forget' if that's makes sense.   Otherwise I've been sarcastic about FOO's loss in my head e.g. "Congratulations FOO! You won the argument and lost your daughter. I hope it's been worth it for you." When I'm sarcastic towards FOO in my head it's too early for me to really feel into what's going on in my emotions. Too early to feel anger? Sadness? Hurt? A combination? Probably a combination.

LL now opines I might not have to move after all. Apparently the structural problems can probably be solved another way. Or more likely it was never really necessary and now that I'm continuing to demand things like LL pays for the whole move (as required by tenant law) it's easier to find a different architectural solution.

I feel really good today :)  Standing up for myself seems to have worked! otoh I'd rather not feel as if I'm on a roller coaster, as I do atm. Tenants rights appointment tomorrow anyway, where I can talk about this latest development. 

Got quite a lot done today, including some cleaning. Finally put my heating on in my apt. It's chilly and I'm worried about my furbabies. They do have fur, but they don't have extra sweaters and woolly hats and thick wool socks all of which I've been wearing in my apt other than when moving around quite a lot e.g. when cleaning. I got sent a translation request from a local authority on Saturday and decided I could do it. So got on with that for about an hour today. Also filed some papers and threw others out. Every bit helps.

every bit helps, indeed, blueberry.  here's hoping you're able to continue feeling good and can get away, at least for a while, from that roller coaster feeling.  that one, no no.  love and hugs :hug:

I wanted to write on here yesterday and now today too. I find when I get here that part of me wants to run away. Part of me most definitely does not want me to write about what's going on atm. I think it's best to accept that for the moment and see if it evolves. It might quite soon even.

Dear Blueberry,
I related so much to what you wrote here, about finding it difficult to come and write here - and part of you not wanting to write about what's going on atm.  You spoke of accepting that, and seeing if it evolves, and that it might quite soon even.  I found that very encouraging (from a personal point of view) and just wanted to say that. 

:hug:

Hope  :)

Gentle hugs if you want them. Not writing is also perfectly okay. We're here with you regardless.  :grouphug:

I relate to that, too, Blueberry. Sending support to the things you cant yet write about.  :hug:

Thank you all for your support!  :hug: :hug: :hug:

I relate to wanting to write/not wanting to write.

Thank you for saying that notalone. :hug: Seems not an uncommon problem here on OOTS. One of my prime situations for pulling my hair out (SH) is while writing. Harder when I'm typing of course than when writing on paper. It also depends on what I'm writing. I do my lesson prep on paper and hardly ever pull hair out. Wouldn't like to say 'never' as it may occasionally occur. But writing bills, business letters, emails to a whole host of people so not just FOO, oh man. Not to mention translating of course.

Another reaction I have is simply going 'blank'. I used to do that on here before writing a Recovery Letter to FOO. I'd come on here knowing what I wanted to write having had it churning around in my mind for a few hours or even days. Then I'd write the name or just initial of the person I was addressing and my mind would go blank. So :lightbulb: these 2 reactions were/are probably in place for when I can't feel or observe or sense whoever it is / they are who are objecting to my writing whatever it is. They might not even be objecting to the content so much as signalling that they need some form of help before I continue.

 :hug: 
Hope  :)

I'm translating now and am getting near the end, nearish anyway. Just popped by because it's nice to say 'hello' to people who care and who get it. There are people around me who care but they don't understand cptsd and the affect it has on my ability to work at all. So  :wave:

We get it, Blueberry. Thanks for checking in, we're thinking of you!  :hug:

Thank you CF. :hug:

I had a good session in occup. T yesterday, came home did a few urgent things e.g. at the bank, went out to lunch with a coupon I had (which was good self-care since I hadn't even had breakfast) and then I came home and gave up. I still haven't really got going doing anything useful today. Well, no, that's not quite true. I did a little clear-up so a friend could clean but I mean is I haven't finished the translation I intended to finish yesterday. I don't have an actual deadline.

Why did I give up yesterday? I suppose FOO stuff (there is some new information) and after-effects of talking to one of no-longer-friends on Sat. What arrogance and know-it-all from her! :pissed: otoh it's good to know how that reinforces my need to never speak to her again. So I made a mistake on Sat. by speaking to her. It's OK to make a mistake. Now I know how bad company she is for me. There have been people like that in the past but idk if the friendship went on as long as this one did. It's ended now though. She wants it to continue in a lesser form. So I imagine she's getting something out of treating me as some inferior being. There's a word for that they use over on OOTF but I've forgotten what it is.

Well it used to take me waaaaaay longer to get over this kind of stuff and this time it's a double-whammy (info from FOO too) not to mention all the stuff I've been dealing with in my office and apt (LL, electricity, Internet down - caused by the builders, lack of heat). I do heat sometimes but not all day or anything. When it's cold I tend to get depressed and be inactive.

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you, Blueberry. It sounds as if there have been so many negative things happening at once and I understand how this can completely derail you and your process to change. I feel for you and I recognise that you might be finding it difficult to come to terms with all that has been going on (the situation with your friend sounds extremely hurtful) but I hope you will be able to overcome this.
Please, don't buy into the belief that you are somehow an "inferior being", I think you are showing great strength and bravery when talking honestly about all your experiences and I'm rooting for you.
Take care of yourself!

blueberry, congrats on the insight about how this ex-friend is not good, healthy for you, and that you've decided to end the relationship.  it sounds like great boundary-holding and wonderful self-care.  i have only one friend now, have eliminated the rest - not being reciprocated or reached out to rings my bells now.  also broke off a 20-yr. friendship - i can see things differently now, have different expectations for people who i'll keep in my life.  well done! :thumbup:

rest and breathe, just breathe, (as wife2 used to say).  you took care of a lot, and that takes a toll.  love and hugs :hug:

Gentle hugs if you want them, blueberry.  I agree, a revelation about how this person is not someone you need in your life is a good revelation. Cutting them out also makes room for something new to grow someday, like weeding a garden. ;)

And I resonate with your reaction to the cold- I've been down a bit lately as it gets colder. Sometimes I think humans should be able to hibernate.

Thank you all, gentle hugs are great CF.

FOO is sending money after all. I 'should' feel happy of course. Well, I do feel relieved about the money but I also feel sad about other stuff I now know about FOO. Also feel thwarted. It's probably not the best time to confront FOO with anything. Although the very fact that FOO is sending money after all is probably due to the one missive I sent demanding clear, straight-forward answers. Those answers haven't come per se but they have been willing to send a further large installment of money w/o any strings attached which is a Yes to one question. One out of about 25 questions. Some of the questions were just leading up to that one though. Whether the subquestions are 'yes' or 'no' is not so relevant since they were somewhat rhetorical in nature, at least now that I have an answer to one of the biggies. So I might feel thwarted but the results aren't actually so thwarting. Contact of any kind with FOO tends to send me reeling so not surprising that I'm feeling a little down atm.

Gentle hugs, dear Blueberry. Financially I am relieved you have a slug of money from FOO so you can breathe easier in that way. It aucks that that is all you get from them...money....no remorse, no caring, no love....so yes feeling down and disappointed makes so much sense too. They will do this, but not that. That friend is truly not a friend so clarity and finality in that while hard, it's maybe a good thing you gave it one last chance and have a very clear answer about that.

:grouphug:

Finally got moving this late afternoon and went to choir practice followed by choir service. That did me good, always does really. It's a few hours later and I've finally written 2 important emails, both of which have left me fairly spacey. One was to ex-friend who I spoke to last Sat. saying - it's the end. Completely, totally. (She had suggested she bring me an additional heater.)
The other was to another friend where I realise I need to watch it. I told her the fastest way to lose friendship with me is for someone to make some remark in support of my parents or some remark intimating I need to be careful. I guess you could say I told her to butt out but not quite with those words.

I guess there's some part in me which appears to cry out for help?? So some people come with unwanted help.

I put a book in a discard pile today but otherwise haven't moved on anything like that for what seems like days. I have strange ideas atm like I should move after all. Though financially it makes more sense to stay here a year or two.   

glad for you that FOO came thru financially, blueberry.  actually, i think you're doing a great job of maintaining a balance w/ them as well as w/ others in your life.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

They have come through financially but just this once. They're still not giving me what I asked for: long-term information.  :pissed:
_____________
Had a hard weekend. I actually had a number of things semi-planned from Fri eve till Sunday eve. Only made Sun eve - choir. That did perk me up a bit. Before that sometime on Sun I suppose I realised that part in me that suggests removing myself from the earth would be best made itself felt. No wonder it's been a hard weekend.  The good thing, the progress is that I was able to reach that knowledge that these phases pass and I managed to move out of that state pretty fast :cheer:.

Now I just feel dopey again and I really don't want to finish my translation. It's time I stopped taking these jobs on at all. I often think I can after all, looks easy etc, it isn't. Or I'm not capable of deciding what the exact meaning is in the original far less finding the correct term in English. It's time I got back into trauma therapy so that I can work on my OSDD with help. Since that's part of the problem. Part of me wants to give up translating because it's so strenuous, another part wants to keep going because?? etc Then there's the part that suggests removing myself from the earth for being such a failure as not being able to translate. fwiw I've just posted on holidayay's Journal that she's not a failure. Neither am I but some part of FOO I believe(d) thinks or thought so.

I think I need to promise someone irl like my doc that I won't take on any more translations till the end of this year anyway.

Blueberry,
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you in these difficult times and that I appreciate how hard it is what you are going through.
My self-worth has always been linked to my ability to work and contribute something to others' lives and unless I am slaving away every day doing something "helpful" I feel like I am a complete failure. But I am starting to see that this is just my trauma voice speaking and that it is okay to take care of yourself sometimes. It is hard to accept that you need a break for sometime and I understand that you are struggling to give up the translations for the time being, but to me it seems like you are doing the right thing when you are allowing yourself a little break.
My humble advice would be to take a little time off to recover and focus on your healing, so when the time comes and you feel ready to start with your translation again, you will be full of strength and will find it easier to concentrate.
I don't know, this is just my experience and maybe you'll find that you don't resonate with this at all, but I'm just trying to say that your feelings matter and that I I hope you can find a way to get through this.
You are such a kind, caring person I wished I could help you in any way. I'm glad your are in this world because you keep bringing so much kindness and understanding to others despite everything that happened in your past and that is worth so much more than any translation...
Take care of yourself
Gentle hugs if you want them :hug:

Thank you milkandhoney for your kind and thoughtful comment.

If I finally take a break it will be for a long while, not a little while. Probably a couple of years, but maybe for ever. But you are right - I agree with what you say, at least I agree most of the time. The very fact that this is all so difficult is connected to the Dissociative diagnosis I got in inpatient stay this year. I just came across OSDD today here on the forum and that's what it seems to be. So of course it makes more sense to try and clear up some of this OSDD stuff - recover, unify myself in some way - than keep struggling. Especially since FOO is actually sending money. That makes even less reason to keep struggling to earn money.

Since the title of my Journal is Accepting Myself - that's the other thing: accepting myself as having OSDD and that making life really difficult, especially working life.

blueberry, once again, a plate full of acceptance, instability (FOO and financial assistance), battling against that certain part, to work or not to work - it's so much.  i do understand about how difficult translation can be - in mex. i often helped my hub with it for others.  i also watch lots of tv w/ translated subtitles, and when you talk about which meaning goes w/ which word, and even how sometimes you just have to get close cuz a word might not be translatable in another language - it's very hard work.  i think you'd be very good at this, conscientious about what you put out, but i've come to accept that just cuz i'm good at something doesn't mean i have to do it.

i'm honestly glad you have choir.  i know how much you enjoy it, how much it does for you.  i have no doubt you'll discover the answers that work for you.  love and hugs  :hug:

 :hug:

It's really hard. I'm sure I have OSDD too, BB. Accepting it has been a long road...I mean not even accepting it just being able to say it.

The conflicts it causes...work, not work...sing, don't sing...hide don't hide

Probably short term jobs might be ok? Ones you can take and finish in a day or two before the switch happens?

Quote from: Armee on November 21, 2022, 04:09:29 PM
It's really hard. I'm sure I have OSDD too, BB. Accepting it has been a long road...I mean not even accepting it just being able to say it.

The conflicts it causes...work, not work...sing, don't sing...hide don't hide

Underlined by me. I had to lol when I read this. You obviously get it!

I ought to have finished the present job in 2 days, even by my standards. It really is time to give this translation stuff up for a good while. Yeah, give up... don't give up, do something more hands on eg. shelving at grocery store...do no paid work at all, hey you can translate so do it...no this is way stressful so give up. ad nauseam.

Been roaming around on the Internet for hours, esp. on websleuths. Don't do much sleuthing lol but other random things with my attention to detail.
_________

Realise I've fallen into the same 'trap' again of allowing somebody to help me with logistical stuff e.g. place to store some of things temporarily as well as place to have warm shower. And then suddenly this person seems to think she knows more than I do about traumatising and gaslighting parents. That was on Friday. I couldn't defend myself as usual or more likely say 'Stop. Not up for discussion' so ended up justifying my actions somewhat but also spacing out / dissociating so that I couldn't justify very well.  Well, at least I caught the situation before it got out of hand and have since emailed to put kind of a stop to it.
I also watched one of the many Patrick Teahan youtube videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF8UPCQGv6A and would put this person in the codependent agent role. Helpful to watch.

Then this evening I got a call from B2 who's at my parents. I don't have a modern phone so I can't see who's calling. He wanted to know if I'd seen his emails of the past few days, instead of emailing me to ask or sending an email with a request to send a Read notice. Being a dope no an abandoned inner child, I clung on to the line briefly to ask a few questions about parents instead of saying: my boundary is - email me. It was obvious B2 didn't want to stay on the phone. Just wanted information for my parents, probably M who doesn't have the patience to wait for a reply from me though expects me to have a huuuuuge amount of patience when she doesn't respond. 

Quote from: Blueberry on November 03, 2022, 04:19:37 PM
Today I went to T appt and talked about the missive I'm attempting to write to my parents and to my sibs. My T asked what would  speak against telling my parents some home truths before I go NC along with giving them a last chance for saving contact with  me which there is 0.0000000001 % chance of them taking: if you want any contact with me at all before your dying day, act now. Tell me the truth about family money. Start treating me like your daughter rather than something you wipe your feet on.
That kind of thing. It's really hard. Tho I think the hardest is accepting that they have been lying to me for about 6 years, at least, and that they just don't care. So writing that letter to them and knowing it is the end. What's preventing me sending it asked T. Two things: one tiny little bit in me that's still hoping they might help financially after all. And then something like a conscience I suppose, but a conscience in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong situation.

Bolded by me.
Now I'd say maybe it's too much internal upheaval after all? Better to do a fade-out to NC rather than announce it. It is good for me to know I'm getting money, that really does help. Also B2 being there with parents doesn't help me saying anything. Also I do know that nothing reaches my FOO, they just gaslight. Whether they do that towards me or behind my back among each other is probably irrelevant to me at this juncture. Not irrelevant in the sense that what I don't know doesn't hurt me, but rather the opposite - me frightened of repercussions. Repercussions / punishment was a biggie in one of Teahan's youtubes on what might happen when you do a FOO cut-off, also a biggie in the sense of this-might-be-a-reason-to-be-careful, in how you do the cut-off, rather than doing it at all. My FOO is big on repercussions and punishment.

No wonder I don't have the wherwithal to concentrate on my translation or even the impetus to get out of bed atm and get on with anything. High time I looked for more trauma therapy. I do have a trial appt on Friday with a T with a 12-month waiting list. The trial appt is to see if we could work with each other. Getting into adequate trauma therapy (including therapy on my type of somewhat-less-than DID is so much more important than trying to force my way through another translation. In fact not getting on with it is undoubtedly some inner rebellion going on, saying - you have to look at this other stuff first, finally, now!!

Just sending along hugs to deal with any aftermath of talking to FOO.  :grouphug:

And yeah, I do get it for sure. I deal with the same mind boggling conflicts.

Looking for a T with experience with this is probably a great idea and definitely more important than translation.

Hey BB,

I get what you're going through with wanting to give the family a last chance. A lot of the time when we want closure it's more about the unhealed parts in ourselves that, like you said, will hope they see this as their last chance to love their daughter. It's an idea that's really hard to grasp - that they don't/can't love you. At the end of the day though, you can love you even if it isn't "fair" etc, it's what you have to do. I often went back to my family hoping somewhere inside for a response that they just weren't able to give. I thought I had to be "fair" etc. I hope you do what's best for BB and put yourself first whatever action that may be.

dolly

dollyvee, thank you. I appreciate your comment. I think the last chance I was going to give them was coming up with the money due to all 3 of us adult kids despite me saying my piece. Now they have paid w/o me saying anything. Which kind of took the wind out of my sails and/or makes me think it's maybe better to lie low than say anything. otoh that would mean I haven't cut FOO off / gone NC the way it seemed necessary to me to even heal. idk. Clarity will come on that I guess.

The past few days I've been doing more or less nothing. Lying around reading and dozing. Had another Corona scare  - was in the immediate proximity of someone else for a couple of hours who turned out to have Corona. I cancelled everything this week to not turn into a Corona-spreader and to not get anything myself from anywhere else. I have a trial trauma T appt tomorrow. Didn't want anything to sabotage that.

Wishing you luck with the trauma T tomorrow. Hope it is a good fit.

Hi Blueberry,

Hopefully your family paying you is some sort of resolution for what was happening for you and you can have peace and go on your way after it, in whatever way. In my family, money was used as a means to control and a surrogate for love. Growing up issues became about money for me, I needed my mom to take me school shopping, I needed underwear, she was buying my brother more expensive Christmas gifts etc, but underneath it I think it was why aren't you loving me or caring about me? It was also used to control as my gf had the money and we had to do whatever to keep him happy.

Sending you support,
dolly

Trial T appt last week was good. Waiting list up to 12 months though. Yikes. otoh better somebody competent with a waiting list than somebody incompetent with next to no waiting list like I experienced in the summer.

Last week in occup. T I made a contract for myself that I won't be taking on any more translations till the end of this year, which is fast approaching. I did intend to finish the translation I was working on. Still not finished. I did a fair bit of terminology work today on about 5 words. I even asked for help on my professional forum - and got some too with no snarky remarks. Haven't managed to turn the information into a sentence though. It really is just one sentence I can't do. Well so far. There's a bit at the end of a page too, but not complete sentences. Anyway, my brain is total mush. Time I gave up. Really time I gave up. Have to accept that... Unfortunately I don't seem to be able to accept that I can't. Or some part of me can't accept it. Anyway, try to get this thing in by tomorrow (after working on it for about 3 weeks - off and on. More off than on). Then invoice. Then no translation for however long it takes. Two years? For ever?

Been sitting here doing SH (pulling my hair out) for quite a while instead of finishing my translation. Well, at least I got help on professional forum :cheer:   Often very difficult for me.   Somebody collected a chair off me this evening. I'd been advertising for weeks, now it's gone.  :thumbup:  Good to get rid of stuff.

Hi Blueberry I was wondering how you've been doing. Self harm is tricky. My similar thing did lessen when I took the stress of a professional life off the table.

I hope the waiting list goes quickly!

Thank you Armee.

Today I had both occup. T and socio-therapy (??) idk whether you could call it that in English. Probably not. A social worker drops by for an hour, asks me how it's going and then I talk a bit and she asks my plans for the hour. Often just the very fact that someone is there motivates me to start doing something - today it was doing the dishes and cleaning up a bit in the kitchen. 

Now I feel too tired + idk what else to go to choir practice. It's an unpleasant wet, chilly, rainy evening which doesn't help either. I also know that I'm on the brink atm. On the brink of: everything-is-too-much. So it actually makes sense not to go to choir practice.

yeah, it does make sense, blueberry, even tho choir is a pos. place for you.  having people in my space is always exhausting.  good self-care!  love and hugs :hug:

Have decided to skip my other choir practice tonight too.

I have had an image in my head for a number of days now. I'm on (school) gym equipment that might be termed 'monkey bars' though when I was at school 'monkey bars' in the playground meant something different. Anyway this particular piece of school gym equipment consists of a ladder-like structure laid horizontally from one upright frame to another a few feet off the ground. So you jump up and grab the first rung of the ladder with both hands, dangling in the air because your feet can't reach the ground. Then you move from rung to rung with your hands until you get to the end upright frame. I was never able to do this as a child or as an adult either in fact. That strength is missing in my arms and shoulders - they ache right away and so does my neck. At least some of those aches and pains originate in the trauma.

But in the current image in my mind, I'm staying up in the air and am moving from one rung to another. I never get to the end of the rungs but that's also not the point. The point is: I have the strength to stay up there and even though atm I feel as if I'm close to collapse with this image in my mind, I know I'm close but I'm not actually going to collapse. Close yes, but I can and will put the brakes on before I collapse! That's big progress for me :cheer:  Putting the brakes on yesterday and this evening includes not going to choir practice. Yesterday I was able to clean out my Furbabies' massive living quarters instead and it was high time (!) and then go on to do some tidying up, which was also very necessary. This evening I've already written an invoice, done a little filing and I might manage to look at the terminology on my translation again. I do know that if I hadn't decided to skip choir practice I wouldn't have had the wherewithal to write my invoice.

I had an appt today at my old GP's. He was able to show me how important this mental image of the gym equipment is and give me further possible interpretations of it.

Onwards from rung to rung...!

beautiful image, blueberry.  :cheer:  and onward, rung to rung.  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks san :hug:
Also an image which makes me smile happily today :)

Today I had an appt at my psycho T. Since I'd already talked everything out on Tues at occup. T and yesterday at my doctor's, I decided to actually work on something - go into feelings and work with an inner child. I can't write any more about that now except that it brought progress. I often write in my paper Journal during the session, this time too. I'm glad I did because once I left T and got in the train to go home, I was mentally so exhausted that I wouldn't have been able to write. I read what I'd written but couldn't take it in.

I often used to write because I couldn't retain what my T said, the explanations he gave me or interpretations of what FOO's past behaviour meant and how that would affect a small child. Or other useful things he said - I'd go blank on it all as soon as I left his office. It's no longer quite that bad, but writing today reminded me of some questions that I'd had during the work so I'm glad I took the time to write.

Having been at T's I feel emotionally strengthened.

This afternoon a friend dropped by to help me with some clear-out. We went through my clothes' closet, something I've been putting off for aaaaaages and was dreading today before we started too. Once we got going though it went pretty well. I now have a whole stack of stuff to try and sell (or maybe give away) and a smaller stack I want to try on one last time to see if still fits. If not, then those items are going too. My friend was able to tell right away with quite a number of tops that they would definitely no longer fit or certainly still would, which helped me work quickly and efficiently :cheer:

Today it occured to me that a new Journal might be in order. I haven't quite decided yet, but the title would be something along the lines of: Praising Myself or maybe Applauding Myself :spooked: :spooked: instead of just Accepting Myself. I am getting better at accepting myself anyway and then something my doc said yesterday helped me realise how important it is for me to celebrate my progress, really dwell on the progress I'm making.

 :hug:

What a beautiful post and beautiful progress, Blueberry.

Thank you Armee :) :hug: :sunny:

I appreciated what you said about having a spot to write things down during certain events.  It helps me too. 

Sounds like good progress, Blueberry. Gentle hugs and congratulations. Also hoping the clear-out makes things feel a little lighter as well.

Thanks rainy and CF. It helps me to know you need a spot to write during events too, rainy.
CF, I don't feel  things lighter due to the clear-out and/or the steps toward clear out but things feel less jumbled and cluttered. It was like doing an inventory of my clothes and seeing more clearly what all I have. I haven't thrown the discard items out yet. Instead I'm going to see if I can sell them and some other stuff too over the next 2-3 weeks. I'm also throwing out papers including letters and cards and that feels lighter, even if just one sheet of paper gone :cheer:

_________
I can feel things slotting into place since my T appt on Thursday. Realisations are coming and I'm also feeling some things which I'd only known on a cognitive level till now. At the same time none of this is throwing me for a loop which I'm thankful for. Something has come unstuck and I'm back doing housework, mostly laundry which I hadn't done for weeks (too stuck) but also dish-washing and some tidying and odd bits of cleaning as they occur to me. I feel contented atm because I no longer feel as if everything is a struggle. The EF is over!

One thought / realisation yesterday: how about I turn the energy and caring and even creativity I use in working with my 2 remaining students into energy, caring and creativity towards all my Little Blueberries? So long as I don't have too many one-on-one students, teaching them does me a whole load of good because I'm teaching them in ways in which I was mostly not taught. Yesterday evening I had a spontaneous idea of homework to write for student no. 1. When the idea comes spontaneously like that, my creativity is at work. So yeah why not this creativity for me? I could do both some might say. My energy doesn't always extend that far. Sometimes creative work with an inner child is exhausting but it's also healing and therefore important. More focus on healing for the next couple of years is evolving as my goal and plan and then see how I get on with other things - probably everything will be at least a bit easier.

So my new Journal could also be entitled something like Caring For Me / Putting Me in First Place

Quote from: Blueberry on November 30, 2022, 06:40:12 PM
Have decided to skip my other choir practice tonight too.

I have had an image in my head for a number of days now. I'm on (school) gym equipment that might be termed 'monkey bars' though when I was at school 'monkey bars' in the playground meant something different. Anyway this particular piece of school gym equipment consists of a ladder-like structure laid horizontally from one upright frame to another a few feet off the ground. So you jump up and grab the first rung of the ladder with both hands, dangling in the air because your feet can't reach the ground. Then you move from rung to rung with your hands until you get to the end upright frame. I was never able to do this as a child or as an adult either in fact. That strength is missing in my arms and shoulders - they ache right away and so does my neck. At least some of those aches and pains originate in the trauma.

But in the current image in my mind, I'm staying up in the air and am moving from one rung to another. I never get to the end of the rungs but that's also not the point. The point is: I have the strength to stay up there and even though atm I feel as if I'm close to collapse with this image in my mind, I know I'm close but I'm not actually going to collapse. Close yes, but I can and will put the brakes on before I collapse! That's big progress for me :cheer:  Putting the brakes on yesterday and this evening includes not going to choir practice. Yesterday I was able to clean out my Furbabies' massive living quarters instead and it was high time (!) and then go on to do some tidying up, which was also very necessary. This evening I've already written an invoice, done a little filing and I might manage to look at the terminology on my translation again. I do know that if I hadn't decided to skip choir practice I wouldn't have had the wherewithal to write my invoice.

I had an appt today at my old GP's. He was able to show me how important this mental image of the gym equipment is and give me further possible interpretations of it.

Onwards from rung to rung...!

I like this image also. (And I was never able to do it either as a kid!)

Thank you allie :)

___________
I didn't set an alarm today so got up after I woke up, which was just before 9. It was 11 when I turned my computer on. Time seems to go by fast doing 'not much'. I had my breakfast, partially fed furbabies, took my meds, went over to the freebie neighbourhood pantry and that's everything as far as I recall. No, I also brushed my hair for a good long time and while I was eating breakfast I was well-grounded and what's-the-word? aware of what was going on in my emotions in a good way. I went to bed in my clothes last night so I didn't have to get dressed this morning. So yeah 2 hours seems a lot of time for just those things. Oh yeah, I sat and talked to my furbabies too, which they like (it's attention and they know that. They're not into being stroked and cuddled but they like being watched and talked to. They also notice if I'm really there or just speaking to them in passing). So actually I see now that I got more done than I'd thought.

Well, that's what a few hours on a good day may be like. On a difficult day, things are slower and harder. Today I'm feeling more acceptance about the time it takes me to do things and also more acceptance of what I do to fill my days. This is an important step because it helps me in moving onto more time spent in healing activities and less time on other people, even if 'other people' means working for pay. But it's not just that, there's this bit in me that would be looking to do some volunteer work in my field 'because you've got to give back to society'. Lots of Ukrainian refugees here and although they do get language classes paid for by the state there's a waiting list and for those still waiting various church groups etc. have set up classes and are looking for teachers. I could do that, or at least offer one-on-one or go into a group and play vocab-learning games. But what could be more important atm than doing my own healing work? Getting myself healthier and eg less triggered is in fact a contribution to society! And for those few well-meaning friends eg with depression who themselves are helped by having tasks like volunteer work or grandchildren to look after, they don't know enough about cptsd to know that I don't need some external task. Healing work is enough of a task. But of course it's not just what other people say, it's what I know or believe myself. As my self-knowledge and self-acceptance get better, it's easier to tune that stuff out and/or simply say: healing is my task and will be for the foreseeable future. A fairly new friend and her h (with whom I have worked on and off for years at the farm) both with a history of depression sometimes are helped by having concrete things to do. This new friend is not judgemental so I think this is a much healthier kind of person for me than all sorts of ex-friends. Within the past few days I said that healing is my task now and she believes me - there's none of the: oh, are really sure? and you should think about xyz, and I know this other person where that didn't work :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:

Along with 'tuning things out', I'm noticing more what friends are judgemental and although they introduce me to other people as friend Blueberry, I'm moving to talk about interactions with them eg. to my doc or T as 'acquaintances' because they're obviously NOT good friends, not people I can rely on or feel comfortable with. All steps forward :cheer:

Blueberry,
I just wanted to say that I think it is wonderful that you are trying to focus more on your healing, it's so important and I totally agree that this is "a contribution to society" in itself.
I often feel guilty when I am taking time off for myself and try to take care of my own needs/ commit to my healing journey, but   I know that this is only my inner trauma speaking.
Why is it so difficult for me to take care of myself? I am very good at helping others, giving them advice, reminding them of their strengths, and guiding them through their own darkness, but when it comes to helping myself I just fail.
I guess that this is how I have been raised. The people around me didn't want me to be strong, they did not want me to stand up for myself, and they certainly did not want me to follow my own path. So they just lashed out, again and again and again until I gave up. I started to believe that I don't deserve any better because I was somehow wretched inside and nobody could ever truly love me.
But I don't want to believe this anymore! It's hard to abandon this belief because it has been running amok in my  mind for such a long time that I can't separate it from my own thoughts anymore and yet I know that I need to find a way or else the pain will never end.

So,  sorry for the long reply, I'm just trying to say that I admire you for your strength and how you are able to focus on yourself more and more these days. it's so important and you absolutely deserve it.
When we deny our own needs we aren't helping anyone, but once you get better and feel a little more healed I am sure that there will be plenty of opportunities to "give back to society", as you said

QuoteI think it is wonderful that you are trying to focus more on your healing, it's so important and I totally agree that this is "a contribution to society" in itself.

i agree w/ M&H about your healing and its importance not only in and for your life but in a worldview.  there is nothing better we can give society than the best version of ourselves, to my mind.  there will always be people who are in the state of mind of helping others, doing for others, taking care of others' needs, but if it's not the right time for you, i'm thinking it's not your job to do, at least not at this point in time.

i really like the ideas you've come up with for your next journal and how they're showing the progress you're making.  well done, blueberry. :thumbup:

sending love and a hug filled w/ continuing progress  :hug:

Wanted to write for myself and am met with a bout of exhaustion and blank-brain.

I'm meant to be finishing my translation in fact I was planning to on the weekend but am always finding something else to do - roaming around the Internet for the past couple of hours and during the day running various important errands and doing the housework. I did do a little translation in the morning - 10 minutes or so - and phoned somebody who's going to help me with the finishing touches but she can't do that till tomorrow after all. Knowing I can't really concentrate I went and did the housework mentioned above because that gets me out of my intellectual head and gives my intellectual brain a rest. But now it's really time I went back to that work. I'd rather respond to posts on here, lol, or even go and do some EFT.

Finally finished my translation and the invoice. Pays the office rent for this month. I never know in advance with this particular type of translation exactly how much I can charge until after it's done (because it's based on number of characters in the translated text). It's a bit more than I'd envisaged which is nice.

So once it's all done, I catch myself thinking - nice lot of money, wasn't so bad after all. At least some Part thinks that. Another:  :cheer: the last translation for a good while! At least till end March I can promise all those Parts who need a break but I think it needs to be longer and will be longer. There appears to be one Part who has difficulty with a hard and fast rule about it and especially with making a rule over a good length of time.

Yesterday or the day before I caught myself thinking that I could do the easiest certified translation around if any crop up in January onwards but my occup. T reminded me that my written contract to myself and Parts of a break until end December was a compromise, really I need to extend that break. It was good he reminded me of that! He, and all my Parts who desperately want a break, are correct too. As I wrote in previous para, at least in my head I can 'agree' to end of March even if not yet written into contract. Today I used my professional certified stamp for the last time for however long but probably forever and I noticed that kind of tugs at my heart. I wrote down in trauma T last week what to do about that. My brain is blank but I can check my paper Journal and work on that 'some time' in the near future, maybe even tomorrow.

I still have to write a sort of cover letter for the translation and invoice but that'll be tomorrow morning, along with delivering the translation in person.

My neighbour in the apt beside mine has to move out now because of the state of ceiling below his apt, which is storage area at present but I think will contain the new heating system. It has to be done anyway. So I'm just kind of waiting for them to find that I have to leave my apt after all before Christmas :aaauuugh:. At least I know my rights now! Still fighting for them is strenuous and I could do without that. Also found out that some time in the new year when I'll have to move out temporarily though possibly not with all my stuff, I'm going to lose a few metres of my apt because they have to put an elevator shaft in beside the stairs and the shaft will be going thru my apt. Great, even less space to move my office stuff into. So it's all remaining a little bit up in the air which is a bit unsettling. But at least I'm doing better today than I was even  a couple of days ago. Throwing stuff out again, taught both students well today. Caught up on my invoices for their parents.

 :cheer: :sunny: :yahoo: 'cover letter' for translation and translation itself delivered hours ago. Done! Gone! What a relief.

Since yesterday I've been doing well getting rid of stuff, or at least getting stuff into piles to go various places. A friend came by today and took about 20 digital photos for me so I can sell stuff online and I plan to have a few 'rummage sales' in my office at set times where local people can drop by, try clothing on, look at books etc and hopefully buy some things. This friend took a few things she could use too.  :thumbup:

 :cheer:  That is great Blueberry.   :hug:
Hope  :)

 :thumbup: Congrats, blueberry! Lightening the load, physically AND mentally.

 :cheer:

 :cheer:congratulations!!!!

Thank you all for cheering me on! :hug: :hug: That helps me remember that soon I'll feel better than I do today. I've had a funny headache for a couple of days now - over my right eye. I don't think it's migraine because that's not something I get.

Today's been hard as I realise a) that there's no way I can stay in this apt and b) once I move out it won't be temporary. There'll be no coming back. Because LL doesn't want that. And c) for the moment smaller apts are out of the question - I still have too much stuff including my furbabies and their large accommodation as well as my office stuff that I'm not ready to get rid of. Some yes, but not the bulk. Also too much to move back in with once I've left and the place has been renovated and modernised because of the elevator shaft going thru my apt - I'll be losing some space.

Need to talk to tenant's rights again.

congrats on finishing that translation, blueberry!!!   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

i think you are doing an amazing job of taking care of things, talking to who you need to talk to about your rights, dealing w/ students and their paperwork, etc.  as i was reading it came to mind that i just couldn't live on my own anymore, so it occurred to me how well you're doing w/ it.  congrats on that, too. :yourock:

moving . . .  i can't fathom it anymore.  just gonna send you love and a hug filled w/ support for all your undertakings. :hug:

Thanks san! It's such a relief that the translation is done. Translation is now gone from my head as it were. It was obviously time to give up. Not much of me (not many Parts that is) is missing it.

This evening I went to choir and sang what I could and mouthed the rest. I also got 2 men 'booked' for the move from my office into my apt, so that's a relief, so long as it all works out. It'll be before Christmas and then my apt will be very full, but I'll still have my office till end of Dec. for sitting in sorting thru things esp. papers and throwing stuff out. Also for putting up my washing racks and drying my washing, which will help space-wise for a little while.

A couple of days ago - Friday probably - was quite funny! The inpatient place I was in till May phoned to offer me a spot! I am on the waiting list for another bout in 2023 but I was taken aback because I was told I shouldn't come back for at least another 12 months! Anyway I've put off till summer 2023 because it really isn't a good time till all this toing and froing with my living space is sorted out.

Best wishes as you navigate the transitions.

Gentle hugs, Blueberry. Here's hoping the moving goes as smoothly as possible. You have a lot to do and think about, but I admire your strength in getting it done. Peace to you.

Thank you rainydiary and CF  :hug: :hug: I got going fairly well on paper-sorting this morning prior to occup. T. But then that got cancelled. The good thing is that I now can go over to a friend's and finally have a shower, ie. I have time for that today since I didn't do it yesterday as planned.

Yeah the move - when I look at the amount of furniture - hm. This move isn't going to be easy. Oh well bit by bit, step by step.

Blueberry just wanted to say I'm really proud of you. You're managing really well all things considered.

Thank you Armee :hug:  tbh it doesn't feel that way today. Just roaming around the Internet and not really getting on with things at all. Spent the past couple of days eating, none too healthily either.

Zoning out thinking of FOO and zoning out with thoughts of moving office furniture into a very messy apartment this coming Monday or Wednesday. A friend's h is helping and the stressful thing is that he tends to be late. Have to organise that round two other helpers. Definitely stressful for me. Had better go and get on with some stuff though.

 :hug:

Try not to be too hard on yourself, especially as you have FOO on your mind right now and a move hanging over your head.

Thanks so much Armee. Today, this afternoon that is, as I was lying on my sofa doing crosswords despite the amount of stuff that needs to be done by Monday, as I was going the old shame/self-blame route, I remembered what you wrote and remembered to not be too hard on myself. Added later: That means I stopped the shame/self-blame because I remembered that it doesn't help at all.

Now that I finally managed to phone friend's h, I have a bit of a reprieve anyway: he can't manage the move on Monday, it's going to be Wed, so I have more time to make space in my apt for my office stuff. Which is what I have been putting off all day.

 :cheer: I'm so glad my words could help you be kinder to yourself. And I'm relieved for you that you have a little extra time to make space for moving office stuff into your apartment.

I have no idea if this will be helpful to share...but....sometimes when I am laying in bed I feel paralyzed and can't move. It took me a few years to just recently realize....ok I can actually move. Physically there's nothing wrong, but right now I can't move. That's dissociation. That part of my brain is turned off right now. (There's an acceptance that I can't move but a knowledge that there's a possibility of movement. I'm not beating myself up when I do this, anymore, though of course I used to.)

If I ask myself...is there a part of my body I can move just a little, even though I can't move my legs? The answer is always yes, there's some little part of my body I can move. Sometimes I can slightly wiggle my shoulders and then torso, and then I can wiggle my butt, and then I can flex my thigh muscles, and then I can wiggle my toes and roll my ankles. Eventually those micromovements lead to being able to shift my foot and uncross my ankles and then to being able to move my entire leg and eventually I can make enough movements to get up.

That's been really helpful....using those micromovements to get all those neurons firing. I just wonder if there's something similar that can be done to turn on the parts of you that are really good at getting stuff done, when you need to. All those parts of you are there, it's just learning to access them at the right times and asking them to step back when you need rest, or activity. To be honest I haven't tried this micromovement approach to parts though, just unparalyzing myself. I don't know if it works but it came to me to share that with you when I read your post.

so glad you found something to help alleviate the blame/shame cycle, blueberry.  i'm glad those words struck home in a good way for you.  even tho we've said the exact same thing here many times, it's amazing how much a reminder can do.  keep taking care of you, ok?  even if it means sofa and crosswords.  i believe you've got some inner sense that it's the right time for that and the other will come later in its own time.  love and hugs :hug:

Today a friend came, the friend who helps me with cleaNing but this time she was helping with cleaRing instead. I was beyond all help after an hour. Not because my friend was there - the reason I am so happy she is willing to clean for me is that she is non-judgemental and I pick up on that when she's here. Maybe other reasons too that idk off-hand having her around helping me is not stressful the way having other people including other friends can be. But still I was incapable of making any decisions after her being here an hour and me making decisions within that time.

This is also a thing to accept about myself: I may need a big long break after just one hour of any type of work. The criteria for my disability pension is: inability to do work of any kind more than 2.75 hours a day, 5 days a week on the normal job market, so not just inability in my own profession. Makes sense that any type of work including housework, clearing and packing for a move may be too much.

Luckily for me today :sunny: and I need to carry more stuff to a friend's basement to put in storage for a while. Going out for little walks back and forth in the sun and fresh air will do me good. I also need to do a pile of dishes, doing dishes often helps too because doing simple work in warm water with hands and it's not cognitive and I often listen to music while I'm about it.

That seems like a big and kind breakthrough to realize your disability limitations apply to ALL work, not just a subset of work. That makes sense and I can see how easy it would be to overlook. 

 :yeahthat:  good job to realize that, blueberry.  love and hugs as you go about the rest of your chores. :hug:

Thank you both armee and san  :hug: :hug:

Maybe not so much 'overlook' as not wanting to really know or admit to myself? But now I've seen and felt it.

I am grateful you have a supportive friend that can provide space for you to see yourself from different angles. 

I also appreciate the distinction between cleaning and clearing - I need to do some clearing and am avoiding it.  I wonder if making the distinction between cleaning and clearing would help me.

Today I managed far more work than yesterday or particularly Monday! :cheer:  :cheer:  :cheer:
I am tired now, in general, and my feet are tired. 3 hours of move from office into apt with help and before that preparing the move for most of the day :)  A great deal is done now, especially all the stuff that I can't do alone like moving furniture around and other things that are just difficult for me like setting computer and telephone up again, and also before that deciding where everything needs to go. For the remaining stuff, I can do more bit by bit. It's almost 10pm and I need to make myself something to eat and drink and then rest  :zzz:

Congrats!  Always feels good to get that stuff out of the way.  Hope the rest of your move goes as well!

That was a lot to get done. I hope you were able to get some rest.

aaaaaaaand breathe.  It sounds like a lot, but making big strides in the process. Hope your rest helped!  gentle hugs if you want them.

Thank you all! I was able to rest. I think I'm now going to finally start the new Journal I mentioned a while back  :)

 :cheer: