I am printing my journal from 2021. I think that I have a need to have printed versions of my journal here as well as my written journals because my life is so fragmented and compartmentalized. My journals are pieces of the puzzle.
I am not in a good place as we begin 2022. I will try not to do too much reflecting because I am too close to the "my life is meaningless" road.
:hug:
I hope it's OK for me just to say that you've brought a lot of kindness and understanding to me this year. Thank you. You helped me to not feel alone and so confused in my experiences. Thank you, whoever Not Alone is. :hug:
Armee, those kind words brought tears to my eyes. :hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on December 31, 2021, 03:08:17 PM
Quote from: Not Alone on December 29, 2021, 11:03:26 PM
Moving into a different bedroom is a big deal. It is a statement of the brokenness of our marriage. Our/my bedroom has been a place of relative security and I am loosing that.
It is a big deal! Not being married or ever even being in a partnership, I didn't even realise it as a statement of the brokenness of your and h's marriage, although that makes sense too. But for you to lose your bedroom as a place of relative security is a big deal for you and for your littles. May I do a bit of :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: towards your h for not allowing you the bigger space unconditionally? When I first read your post, I immediately thought of it being like how I would be pulling the rug out from under my own feet if moved along with all that would entail like reduced working, losing the garden, having to permanently re-home furbabies etc. So I imagine losing your bedroom is a bit like that for you and your littles. A big deal. Even if you won't go under and even although you will in time find a new relative security in the smaller room, but you'll probably have to actually work on that e.g. by getting the new quilt and probably other ways too.
:applause: on finding a way forwards with the smaller room, even if not ideal, but still seems the best that you can get out of h for the moment. I wish h would take you and your concerns more seriously and be kinder towards you.
Sending comfort and support :grouphug:
Blueberry, I appreciate your understanding and your anger on my behalf. I feel angry too. I will have to figure out how to make this work physically (smaller space, smaller bed) and emotionally. I did buy another closet shelf and some pretty storage boxes today.
H keeping our room and me moving to the other room means that most of the disruption falls on me. That fits with him being
avoidant. He wants peace at all cost. The distress lands on me. I am feeling very off balance, anxious, sad, disrupted. This is hard for adult me, but the Littles are really upset. In the end, I believe it will bring me more feeling of safety to be in a separate room from H, but this transition is more difficult than I predicted.
Sending lots of care and good thoughts to you for the coming year, Not Alone :hug: I'm glad you are here :bighug:
Thank you, Bach. Good to hear from you. Lots of care and warm thoughts to you. :hug:
Not Alone, I feel a lot of safety in my room and would also be very upset to leave it. I hope the new space will start to feel safe as soon as possible. I feel in my heart the avoidant approach you experience from your H and wish I had something that made that pain less.
Thank you, Rainy Diary. Tonight will be my second night sleeping in the new room.
I've noticed that my H very quickly has been referring to our former bedroom as "my room."
I still have stuff in our former bedroom. Some of that stuff will stay there. I need to figure out what I want in my new room and what I don't use often and what feels safe to stay in the other bedroom. For example, I moved my old journals into my new room. I am almost certain that my H wouldn't read those, or even open the boxes to see what is inside, but I still feel safer having those in my room.
The sooner I have moved and arranged things, the sooner the Littles and I can begin to settle and to find our place of peace and safety.
Regarding my H deciding to keep the bigger room; there was no consideration (or asking) for how my moving to another room would affect me with my cPTSD and my DID. (A big part of what he avoids. He just keeps waiting for me to be done.) :no: I also wonder if the decision was passive-aggressive or just unattuned anger on his part. His reasons for wanting the bigger room, that he is only in when sleeping, were pretty weak.
Tonight H asked me if the decision for separate rooms was because of the Littles. H: "Married couples don't separate like that just because they can't meet each others' every need. I wonder if you are controlled by one of the Littles." :pissed: Minimized the brokenness of our relationship. :pissed: Blamed me. I just said, "I made the decision." Grrrr.
:hug:
I wish he got it.
Hi Not Alone,
I'm sorry that your H doesn't get it.
I am hoping that you feel ok in your new bedroom, and that it will become a space where you can really feel comfortable. :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks, Armee & Hope.
Today in church I cried and cried and cried. Rivers of grief.
At home, I tried to go through more stuff in the room we shared. I ended up just putting some things in boxes and leaving the rest. It is too overwhelming for me right now. I need a workable plan for dealing with this stuff because right now I'm just overwhelmed and spinning my wheels.
Taking a break and feeling the grief are good choices. This is a grief filled moment. I'm glad you were able to let that out in church.
Not Alone, I appreciate you sharing your experience here. I struggle with my avoidant husband and it helps me to know I am not alone. I wish I could make it easier for us all.
Quote from: Armee on January 02, 2022, 09:20:55 PM
Taking a break and feeling the grief are good choices. This is a grief filled moment. I'm glad you were able to let that out in church.
:yeahthat:
I am so sad for you that h just does not get it! Also :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
You're overwhelmed now. I would be too. But I hope within time the smaller room can become a safe space for you. :hug:
Armee, Rainy Diary, Blueberry; I am comforted by your kind responses.
Today was better. I had a chiropractor appointment and then ran errands. One of those errands included buying more pretty boxes to store my stuff in my closet. I have put items in the boxes and labeled them. I'm really glad that I spent the money, although they were on sale for a really good price. To have things organized and looking pretty is a big help to my heart and stability.
I emailed my T last night, asking if he had an extra session this week. I saw him today. (I'll see him tomorrow for my regular session.) It was good to get affirmation about how I am responding to my H. Also, his understanding of how distressing this change is to the Littles and myself is comforting.
That was really so full of good care for you and Littles to get an extra session. 💛
Thanks, Armee. I had to get past some negative voices in my head before asking.
The quilt that I ordered should arrive today. When I looked at the picture of it while sitting in my new room, I became concerned that the colors will clash with the walls. This is causing me distress for the following reasons.
:zzz: The Littles and I have been looking forward to the new quilt, checking online to see when it will arrive.
:zzz: It is a symbol of ownership the room and of hopefulness that the room will feel like a safe place for me.
:zzz: If I have to return the quilt, it is a 45 minute drive to the store. (To ship it back would be too expensive.)
:zzz: I would want to choose another quilt. If it is something I order online I will be waiting again.
I tell myself that it is manageable, but inside I feel panic. I'm already feeling overwhelmed. Panic. I hope it arrives before I have to leave for my therapy session.
Dear Not Alone,
I so hope that the quilt goes well with your room. What I thought was that maybe if you think it doesn't, for whatever reason, then maybe you could purchase a few cushions or throws of colours that could add vibrancy and blend colours between the walls and the quilt - but maybe that wouldn't work. I am really hoping that it is a quilt that feels good and looks nice, and that you love.
:hug:
Hope :)
I hope the quilt is perfect for your new room. It's a really good thing to have special things in your room that represent it being your safe space. Having my own room is extremely important to me. No one is allowed to go in my room, or put anything in it, or take anything out of it without my explicit permission. I took a room for myself a number of years ago when My Person and I were having a lot of problems, and it turned out to be a very healthy thing for me that helped us get through that time. I hope you and your Littles can benefit from having your very own space the way that me and mine do. :hug:
Hope & Bach, thank you for what you shared. :grouphug:
The quilt came. It works. I like it.
The fear of it not matching sent me spiraling into a triggered state (EF). I think I'm still there to be honest. Quilt just arrived. I leave for T in 20 minutes. I'm thankful it arrived when it did, so I'm not carrying the "what if. . ." into session.
Not Alone, I am thinking of you as you continue to settle in.
:hug:
I'm so happy it works for the room and that you are finding ways to make this your new beautiful retreat.
Hi Notalone,
I hope that your session with your T was ok. I'm glad the quilt arrived, and that you like it, and that it works. That is lovely, and I hope you enjoy using it.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thank you, Rainy Diary, Armee, Hope, and All. That you care about my little space and that it is important to me, helps me to feel cared for and less alone. :grouphug:
My therapist helped me to see that the conversations with my H and moving from my safe bedroom into another room are very huge. My functioning and coping have been limited. Then all the "shoulds" show up. "I should be able to. . ." I told him about moving a few things into the bathroom. That was all I could do that day. He said that was a lot to do with everything else that I'm mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually holding. T said that my body's frozenness is inviting tenderness and compassion.
I ran some errands today, although I couldn't find most of what I was looking for. I'm back in my room now and feeling somewhat overwhelmed. There are many things that I need/want to do. I'm going to pay attention to the fear, feeling overwhelmed, and a bit frozen and try to honor myself and all that I am carrying. Part of that is writing here. I might read. I want to journal. Breathing (I have to consciously think about it). I might read from my journal what my T said to me to chase away the "shoulds" or at least keep them at a distance.
Oh gosh. Not Alone. It makes me feel so so sad and heartbroken that you are thinking you should be able to do more than you are right now. My heart just breaks as you are going through reliving these different pieces of such difficult moments on top of grappling with a marriage that has no life in it. You deserve nothing but kindness and patience and awe.
Not Alone, I appreciate all you are doing. I hope you find some ease.
Thank you, dear friends.
My H and son brought a chair from our living room into my room. It makes everything even tighter, but it is better than always sitting on my bed. That is not great for my back. Also feel less like I'm in a dorm room. :stars:
The door doesn't close properly. The latch is so bad that the cat was able to push her way in the other night. ;D I looked at it and am going to try something tomorrow to see if I can get it to latch better. One of my Littles feels very distressed that the door doesn't always stay closed.
My H is trying. I want to honor his efforts. I'm also being very cautious and guarding my heart.
'Should' is almost never good for me and I doubt it's much good for you in the present circumstances, notalone. I'm sending comfort, kindness, and the feeling of protection for your heart and for your Littles. :hug:
:hug:
I can understand why the door not latching makes you and Littles feel insecure and unsafe and hope that can be fixed soon. :grouphug:
My attempt to fix the door failed. The Little immediately panicked. I'm not near the cliff, but I am shaken. I am going to the store to find a hook for the door. Maybe that will work. I'm meeting a friend for lunch so maybe that will help too.
:hug:
Hugging you back, Blueberry.
I attached a hook to the door. It still opens a crack. I'm not sure if it is enough for the Little to feel safe. She probably needs time and maybe to talk to T.
The door issue is stirring up something that happened in my early 20s. I was living in a small studio apartment, basically one room. It was the middle of the night. Someone knocked on the door and awoke me from my sleep. I ignored the knocking, but the person persisted. He said he had my key. I said to put it under the door. Then I hear the key in the knob and my door open. I had a chain lock on, so the person couldn't open the door further (although it would have been fairly easy to break). He put the key into the room and shut the door. Throughout this I was too terrified to move and call the police. The next day I saw that I still had my key. The key that he found was the landlord's key. I feel the terror of that now.
When I moved into the apartment, it only had the lock on the door knob. I had a friend install the chain lock.
Maybe it is worth paying a locksmith or handy(man)person to come out this weekend and get the latch and a look I working order? Know that it will be done and done right?
Armee, I appreciate that suggestion. The handyman did look at it and "fix" it some time ago. I think that some major work would need to be done because for some reason the whole door is a bit off kilter. Hopefully the hook that I installed will be enough to help the Little feel safe. I'll give it time. If that doesn't work, I will look at plan C.
I'm feeling pretty anxious tonight. It has been a really hard three weeks with the stuff with my husband and the disruption of switching rooms. It is all a lot, with layer upon layer of feelings, significance and triggers. I took a couple of xanax to try to help bring calm to myself. So far those don't seem to be helping. I should have taken note of what time I took the meds. I'm trying to remember to breathe. Also am watching tv. I'm reminding myself that this has all been a really big deal and my struggles are reasonable. Maybe I should read my journal notes and remind myself of what my T said.
It is reasonable. Very reasonable. You are safe. Even though you don't feel safe. That's reasonable too, especially considering the flashback and triggers you've just had. You will adjust. This won't last forever. Things have always been more shortlived for me when I just accept. Accept I am terrified even though I "shouldnt" be. Accept I am dissociated etc. The episodes pass quicker with less damage. I hope the Xanax kick in enough that you can feel less terrified. :hug:
i agree with armee - it all sounds reasonable to me, too. hopefully you'll get to settle down and settle in sooner rather than later. it truly has been a lot. i know it would have had me reaching for the xanax as well. love and hugs :hug:
Even without that door memory from your 20's, there's been a lot going on so it's reasonable you're feeling as you are. As for that thing in your thing in your 20's, I'm sorry it was triggered. It is past, it is over, even tho it might not feel like it. :hug: :grouphug: I hope you can feel a bunch of support from OOTS.
Hi Notalone,
Yes, I want to add to that bunch of support here at OOTS :hug: :hug: I also relate very much to the wish to have security in your bedroom, and any other room where you feel you require safety.
Hope :)
Armee, San, Blueberry, & Hope; hearing your voices and support means a lot. I woke up this morning feeling depressed. I was able to get out of bed by making the goal to skip the shower and just get dressed. I did that. H has asked me out for lunch. I don't feel like doing anything, but I do want to respect his efforts.
I'm back to work on Monday and I am also feeling the weight of that.
I'm doing better. Lunch with H was fine. We had casual conversation. Sometimes there's no conversation, so that was good. Afterward we went grocery shopping. That is something that is often overwhelming to me. Now I feel more ready for going back to work on Monday, so that lifts some of that heaviness.
:thumbup: :hug:
Back to you, Blueberry. :hug:
I am back to work tomorrow after a break. I am feeling the "Sunday Scaries," probably more strongly since I've been away from work for awhile. Ugh.
My H has been reaching out, asking how I am, checking back with me. I don't want to be mean or cold to him. I also want to be wise and I need to protect my heart. Previously I have experienced him "trying." It lasts for awhile but then he goes back to being very distant. Sometimes he allows his anger and the truth about what he feels comes out. I also am a bit mad. Really? After 26 years you are going to try now? Now, after I have come to realize and (mostly) accept that our relationship lies in a grave of shallowness, now you are going to be attuned to me? His reaching out feels like his disfunctional relating, not a real change. Not something I can trust. As my T says, "His resume is of more avoidant behavior than attached behavior." Husband would need to work to change consistantly and over time.
notalone, i feel for you with this relationship stuff. realizations about what is true, what is going to stick, and what is a pattern can be difficult to differentiate at times. know that you are cared about. love and hugs :hug:
While I am glad H is not silently ignoring this huge shift in your living arrangement and the reflection of the marriage that holds up...yeah small talk isn't what is needed. You need him to be there for and WITH you AS a fellow human and a spouse, not a robot... all the time, not just when his peace and image of his life is threatened. Grr.
Keep yourself and your needs as your guiding light right now. What you need matters.
I am thinking of you Not Alone.
Thank you San, Armee & Rainy Diary.
H seems to be back in his cave. There's more I could say, but I'm too tired.
Work is going fine.
:hug:
Sometimes consistency in the people we have tondeal with is helpful even if it is consistently crappy. I'm sorry, Not Alone. I wish things were better.
:yeahthat:
love and a hug full of support, notalone. :hug:
I felt ambushed by H on Wednesday. As soon as I got home from work, he was asking me questions. I was so thrown. It made my head spin. Very confusing. I couldn't think clearly or answer as wisely as I would have liked. It makes it hard to process because it was so upsetting and because I can't remember clearly what was said. I remember a few points which I recorded in my journal.
My H is looking for a therapist. So far he hasn't found someone who accepts his insurance. I'm trying to keep any hope at bay.
I took me a very long time to stop guessing/imagining what my H was thinking. Now that things are unsettled, I'm finding myself even more on eggshells and trying to guess what is going on in him. I need to try and stop doing that. It isn't healthy for me.
That sounds really upsetting and unsettling. Keep going with what you need.
Thanks, Armee.
Hugs in support, Not Alone.
Also, as someone who used to work in health insurance, here is some insider info. Feel free to ignore if it's not something you want to pass on to your H. He can call his health insurance and ask them to email or even mail a list of all the therapists contracted with his insurance. Sometimes, they can even filter the list if he wanted say, only male therapists, or in a certain area. He'd then have to call them and see if they're taking new patients, but that would at least answer one question in the search. Hope it helps.
hey, notalone,
someone once told me that i have the ability to stop the ambush process down by telling the other person to wait a minute, i have to get my thoughts together, i need some time to think about what you're asking - anything to pause such a barrage of questions. it has helped me. i've been thru too many ambushes, can totally relate to what you went thru, and hope it doesn't happen again.
i'll hope for you, if that's ok. hope he's serious, hope he keeps looking, hope he does the work needed to find someone, hope he actually goes. whether he does or not is on him. he needs to show you he's serious about it, that he wants to do it.
i'm very sorry you're on eggshells, notalone. have done that too many times to count, and it's a terrible feeling. i also hope you find some relief from it very soon. sending love and a hug filled with support and comfort. :hug:
Sending hugs of comfort and support, Notalone :hug: :hug:
Thinking of you, Not Alone :hug: :bighug:
Cactus Flower, I appreciate that advice. If he brings it up again, I will mention that to him. I need to be careful not to do his work for him. (T's advice.)
San, thanks for what you shared about dealing with ambush. If it happens again, I will tell him that I want to have that discussion, but I can't now. I will talk about it _______________. Regarding him going to therapy, I hope all those things too. You're right. He needs to show me he is serious.
Thank you Blueberry. I truly appreciate your support. :hug:
Back to you, Bach. :bighug:
Between my T being gone and dealing with the stuff with my H, the Little who showed up and had a memory, over a month ago, has been put on hold. This week she spent time with T and some really important things happened.
T got her out of the bad place that she was put into. He wanted to make sure that she knew that the place would be destroyed and she was safe from being put there again. They "hired" firemen to tear it up. The "firemen" destroyed the bad place, breaking it into very small pieces. Then they hauled the pieces away. T talked with her about a safe place where she could be. They came up with a place, which is where she is now. Some of the other Littles have visited her there.
What happened was a very big deal. Very big.
I have been sleeping a lot in the afternoons. I guess that is okay.
:hug:
It's more than ok to be resting a lot. That sounds really important to take that bad place away. Sending some safe feelings to the Littles.
Armee, thank you for the affirmation and care. :hug:
i love having 'helpers' come in and take care of things we or our littles just can't do. those kinds of images have helped me a lot to make progress.
rest as much as you need, ok? you deserve it, you've earned it. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, San. :hug:
Quote from: Armee on January 17, 2022, 03:33:49 AM
:hug:
It's more than ok to be resting a lot. That sounds really important to take that bad place away.
:yeahthat:
Especially since you said that what happened in T was a very big deal,
notalone. Since that's the case you need a lot of rest, ime. I've done a lot of work with imaginary helpers who come and do things and it's exhausting.
Thank you Blueberry. The affirmation helps. :hug:
I started writing more details, but then it didn't feel safe. I will just say that many of the Littles are upset. I had a hot cup of coffee with a lot of cream. That helped some. There is an internal tug-of-war about writing, so I'll stop for now.
Hi. Sending wishes for comfort and rest and safe feelings.
Thank you, Armee.
I'm feeling better. I had to work so adult me has been very up-front. It was a good day at work and that helps. Only a 35 minutes at home then I have 2 non-work related meetings. Today is my 13 hour day. Usually I feel exhausted by this time, but I feel good right now. I'm thankful.
Not Alone, I am grateful that you are feeling good today. It takes a lot to feel everything especially the good.
glad for you that you stopped when it felt best to do so. way to listen to yourself, notalone. :thumbup: sending love and hugs :hug:
Thank you Rainy Diary & San.
Many Littles have lots of thoughts and feelings now. I also had a realization about something. I was able to verbalize it to a very close friend and then write it in my journal. Right now, I can't grab hold of it. Glad I wrote it down. Feel overwhelmed.
Good job on being able to communicate your realization to yourself and someone else. Sometimes, I think writing things down helps me by letting my brain know "ok, this is recorded somewhere, I can let go of it a little." I hope being able to tell a friend helped. :hug:
That's really really good you could verbalize your realization to a good friend. Take your time, get some rest, there's a lot going on internally and 3xtwrnally for you right now. :grouphug:
Thank you Cactus Flower and Armee.
When I got home today, my husband confronted me about something. He pointed his finger at me and said, "I thought you were a little rude . . . " I understand why he was upset. It was unusual and good for him to tell me. He didn't really tell me what he felt, he accused and judged. Anyway, it left me feeling unsafe. Curled up on my bed with my stuffed animal and fell asleep.
I told him that I apologized but nothing further was said. I didn't feel safe enough to say more. He doesn't know how to continue talking about things to conclusion.
Why is this so distressing to me?
:hug:
I'd be distressed too. You said that he pointed his finger, judged, and accused. Those things are very threatening and uncomfortable. And it just generally feels scary for someone to be upset at me no matter what the situation.
You've been really strong with all these changes and triggers Not Alone.
Not Alone, the interaction with your H sounds like a lot. I hope you have found ways to continue to show yourself care.
Armee and Rainy Diary, I was feeling down on myself that the interaction w/ my H was so distressful to me. Your words helped me to feel like it was okay that I was upset. Thank you.
Feeling vulnerable. Had therapy tonight.
Not Alone, I am thinking of you.
Vulnerable makes sense. I hope your T has helped little and grown up you feel heard and believed and supported.
thinking of you, notalone. hope you're doing ok. and, yeah, i agree with the others - it's ok to get upset. you matter. love and hugs :hug:
I haven't been on OOTS for about five weeks. The absence was not planned. Current situations have consumed my time. I hope to catch up with people, but not sure when that can happen. Work and other people and circumstances are taking a lot of time and energy.
I'm feeling very rattled right now. Another conversation with my H. It's a bit crazy-making. He takes no responsibility for the brokenness in our relationship. Also, the way he thinks about things is ----unique. I was going to write more, but with all of his judgement, I am fearing judgement.
Not Alone, dear, it's good to see you. I'm sorry things are hard. Remember you have people here who care and understand and don't judge, and write whatever is helpful for you :hug: :grouphug:
I agree with Bach. And I've been wondering about how you have been doing. :hug:
Not Alone, I appreciate your update and am here to receive what you feel up to sharing.
notalone, i join the others in saying i'm not here to judge. i'm sorry you're going thru a rough patch right now, and the husband stuff just sucks, to my mind. i'm with you, tho, as are we all. love and hugs :hug:
Bach, Armee, RainyDiary, San,
So good to jump on here briefly and receive your kind support. I'm running to an appointment, but warm greetings to all.
I know you're busy, just popping in to show support and glad to see you again!
Thank you, Cactus Flower. I appreciate your support.
Hi Not Alone,
It's good to know you're ok. I know that you have a lot going on at the moment, but I'm glad to hear from you in your journal, and I am sending you a supportive heartfelt hug :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope. I appreciate you.
I had a bit of a cold the last few days, not bad. For the most part my heart is fairly protected from my husband's avoidant behaviors. Being sick and being ignored by him did increase my loneliness.
I would like to amend my previous statement and say that my heart is more protected than it was previously by my H's avoidance. My mind still goes around and around trying to make sense of the relationship.
Thinking of you Not Alone. I resonate with trying to make sense of a relationship and feeling alone in times of need.
Sending you some gentle care, NotAlone.
Thank you Rainy Diary and Armee.
It's been a tough weekend. Physically I'm not feeling well. Added to that is marriage stuff. Yesterday I was overwhelmed by my "to do" list and not feeling well increased those feelings. I was really angry that my H hadn't vacuumed all week. (He is retired and is home.) Besides not feeling well from a cold, vacuuming inflames and hurts my injured arms. I could have asked him to vacuum, but man!! He's an adult and it is clear from the dog fur flying that it needed to be done. So yesterday when he sat reading all day, my anger was boiling.
At some point I started falling down the crevice toward crazy-ville, aka; amygdala hijacking, triggered state, flashback. I took a xanax to try and stop my downward progression. When one (small dose) didn't work, I took another. [This is growth for me; to recognize fairly early that I'm triggered and then to help myself medically and not wait until it is worse.] I ended up sleeping for a few hours in the afternoon.
This afternoon, H brought up an issue from earlier in the week. I don't want to go into all the details, but it all left me feeling frustrated. Dealing with someone who is Avoidant is so difficult. It is crazy-making, but to try and explain to someone is difficult. I do have some in my life who understand. My T understands the dynamics and the damage.
Another frustration is that I'm having to spend a lot of my therapy time dealing with my frustration with my H and needing reassurance that I'm not crazy. My trauma is largely put on hold as issues with H have been pressing in on me.
Thanks for listening.
So much resonance and connection with your experience, Not Alone. I appreciate you sharing about healing being put on hold in order to manage current things going on. I hope that shifts sometime soon and that you feel better from your cold soon.
Rainy Diary, I know that you struggle with some very similar issues with your H. Although I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, it does help me to know that you understand and to have your support.
I am doing better today. I was glad to be back at work. Last night I felt the comforting presence of Jesus and that was soothing.
I'm struggling with where to spend my time tomorrow in therapy. There is a lot about my H that I need to update T and also to process. At the same time, many of the Littles are needing attention. Last week was the first week in my T's new office. That was upsetting to several of the Littles, but there was not time to talk about it.
I had written some stuff regarding my H. Maybe I'll write out some other parts of that in more detail. If I hand the papers about H to therapist, even if we don't talk about it tomorrow, it will help me to know that he knows and that I'm not alone with it. It can still be talked about in a future session. I need to give that a little more thought.
When I was talking to my T last week about my H, I mentioned how there had been birthdays (more in the earlier years of marriage), when I did not receive a gift from my H. With shock and compassion, he said, "Oh, Not Alone." It was very hurtful at the time. I guess I've gotten a little used to that type of neglect. To my H, it is no big deal. My T's reaction reminded me that it was really hurtful and RIGHTFULLY SO. This weekend when I was at the grocery store I bought myself flowers.
Not Alone, I hope you feel better soon :hug:
Thanks, Bach. Head is congested (feels like it's full of cotton) and a headache, but other than that, doing well.
Happy Birthday, Not Alone! You deserve to be honored and celebrated and I am proud of you for giving yourself the love and care you need.
Write it down and give to T and then decide together what is better to work on! I had the same issue when my mom was taking all my therapy bandwidth with her chaos and I couldn't really make progress. It was important to deal with other stuff too.
Big hugs if they feel safe.
:grouphug:
Thanks, Armee, but it's not my birthday. I bought myself flowers just because. This year I turn the corner on a decade. Don't want to rush that. :rofl:
Last night I pasted together a picture, using google images, that illustrated some issues about H. Then I wrote out details. I will bring all that to therapy today. My plan is to give information about H for T to read and then to deal with at a later session. The Littles really need some time with him (therapist).
When I finished writing out stuff about husband last night I felt a bit frozen for a bit. There are so many issues that are highly impactful.
hey, notalone,
so many realizations - sometimes they can have as hard an impact as the issues themselves. i think your plan for therapy is a very good one. very wise and mindful. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
I appreciate you using the collage to express your insides.
Sending lots of support to you and your Littles. :grouphug:
Thank you, San, Rainy Diary, and Armee. I did just give the information and collage about husband to T to hold and to talk about another time. Even with doing that, I left my session feeling disconnected. I think partly because I had so many Littles who needed to talk to him (two did), that the time felt rushed. Also, some issues popped up within me that I didn't process or realize until later. I'm so grateful that my T allows me to record my sessions. It helps me so much to process.
Yesterday my phone stopped being able to make or receive phone calls. I'm still able to text. The provider has made changes, which forced me into buying another phone. That is not a minor thing for me $$$$$. I don't get or need the latest and greatest. I spent six hours yesterday trying to get this issue fixed. At some point my anger, maybe even rage, was scary to me. I also feel embarrassed. I finally have a temporary fix, which is costing me more money. Ugh!
I want to process why that was all so upsetting. Any technology issues are upsetting to me. I don't understand so I'm out of control. When I finally (usually after a very long wait) get someone to help, I press buttons and do what they say with no idea of what I am doing or what the outcome will be. Twice yesterday, with two different techs, they suggested that I get another phone. What??!! I bought that phone because their company said it was required. It was not cheap (for me) and I don't have money to throw around. Are you kidding me? Also, not being able to make or receive phone calls is cutting off support, especially my close friend who lives far from me. We talk at least once a week and she understands. Not being able to use my phone makes me feel scared and alone. I still need to contact someone because the fix is temporary. That might have to wait until I feel more emotionally capable.
I am going on a trip next week with a friend. I wish I felt more excited about it. Isn't that what you are supposed to feel about a trip, excited? I'm not dreading it either. It's like there are tall boxes in front of me that need to be unpacked and I can't see the fun or joy in the upcoming trip. The boxes are things to do and events/meetings to attend before leaving on the trip. I have written a list, but I feel overwhelmed. All the phone/technology frustration last night has also reduced my emotional capacity for getting things done. Put simply, the phone issues were triggering and my body system has not regulated yet. I still feel a lot of tension, internal shakiness and feelings of being overwhelmed.
One box at a time. . .
Temporary phone fix not so great. I can call out, but not receive calls. I am spiraling. :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
Not Alone, I often feel overwhelmed by the prospect of travelling and am unable to feel excitement about upcoming trips no matter how much I want to go on them. Even though most of the travelling I do is to see people I love and/or to do things I care deeply about doing, the lead-up is almost always filled with angst and even dread, and the excitement doesn't come until I'm out of the house and on my way. I guess that's yet another thing that we have to accept that we don't process "normally" and might not get to feel what we're "supposed to" feel about.
I wish you calm and regulation, good circumstances, and an enjoyable and satisfying time with your friend :hug:
I feel unreasonable rage dealing with the automated customer service lines and then the piece of crap solutions that are offered. I've had several of these in the past 6 months and I too feel ashamed at the amount of rage I feel inside. And yet I'm willing to bet any external reactions you have are very mild compared to what customer service reps are dealing with regularly.
.I'm sorry your phone is not working and the solution they want ro offer is to "just" buy a new one. That's not ok financially or environmentally. Phones are so expensive!
I agree with armee, that's not really a reasonable fix. I would be overwhelmed and angry in that situation as well.. I hope it gets resolved well for you and that you're able to enjoy your trip. gentle hugs if you want them.
Not Alone, I am not in a place to process much right now yet I am here and part of your community. I appreciate what you share as it helps me feel less alone.
TW
Dark weekend. Ended up doing some self-harm. I'm less in crazy-land now. See T tomorrow.
I am thinking of you.
Gentle hugs if that's what you need, and plenty of acceptance. You were in a lot of pain. :(
I hear your pain, Not Alone, and how yucky everything is. I'm there with you in spirit, sitting with you, listening, and offering whatever care brings comfort to you. I'm bringing you a comforting cup of tea, and putting a soft blanket round your shoulders.
I hope seeing T helps. :grouphug:
Thinking of you, Not Alone :hug: :grouphug:
Adding to the group hug and thinking of you... :grouphug:
Thank you for your replies and support. It brought a tear to my eye.
I'm still feeling pretty shaky and the Part who was so present this weekend is still very up front. I'm no longer feeling the need for SI. The phone situation has not changed. Besides being awful on its own, it has triggered many, many feelings. Therapist understood how and why the phone thing was so distressing. He said I was safe. I'm trying to remember that.
I've spent hours trying to fix the phone problem. I need to try and put that problem on the shelf until I return from vacation. It is causing me so much agony and distress. That makes it hard to set it aside for a week. That might be better anyway, because hopefully by then I can deal with it from an adult mind and not from a highly triggered state.
sending caring wishes as you go thru all this. by the by, i'm getting to the point, finally, where i'm more able to let go of the 'supposed to's' and what's 'normal' for others. it just ain't gonna happen! like you, notalone, trauma can get in the way of the simplest things, turn them into awful. ugh! love and hugs :hug:
Not Alone, best wishes preparing for your trip.
Thanks, San and RainyDiary.
I am back from my trip and overall it went well. There were some parts that were a bit difficult, but manageable.
My frustration level feels high right now from people in the house not cleaning up after themselves. Nothing different about that, but my irritation is higher than it usually is.
The phone drama continues. I had to sent the phone to the company. Hopefully they can either fix it or give me a replacement. That means I'm cut off for one to two weeks. I hope it is resolved and returned very quickly.
The phone issue has stirred up new memories. Right now it's like I have ten puzzle pieces (to the memory) out of a 300 piece puzzle. The feelings are high. Having T hear, know and believe makes it much more manageable.
I get frustrated with being the only one really that cleans up at home. I hope you transition back to home with ease and the phone gets resolved soon.
Thank you, Rainy Diary. I appreciate your understanding and kind hopes.
The Part who has had struggles and new memories is pretty present right now. She feels the need to be on the floor, so I brought up a thick blanket to put down and will get her into pajamas and put pillows, blankets and our bear on the floor for her to feel as safe and as taken care of as possible.
That part is precious, and she deserves to feel safe and cherished. :grouphug:
Thank you, Snowdrop. :hug:
Quote from: Not Alone on March 31, 2022, 02:59:41 AM
The Part who has had struggles and new memories is pretty present right now. She feels the need to be on the floor, so I brought up a thick blanket to put down and will get her into pajamas and put pillows, blankets and our bear on the floor for her to feel as safe and as taken care of as possible.
I did follow through on this. We/she was on the floor for awhile. I record my therapy sessions and she listened to the most recent session with herself and therapist. Hearing his voice brought some comfort. After awhile I went to bed. She may be young, but my bones are old! I am really feeling her and feel the need to be on the floor wrapped up in a blanket. Her fear is so big and she needs to feel safe. I'm not working this week, but I do have a lot of things to do and appointments. I will do the best that I can to take care of both. I was able to schedule an extra therapy session this week, so that will help. Her memories continue to come in unconnected pieces.
hi Not Alone
Thank you for sharing this.. it's nice to read how well you look after your parts.... sleeping on the floor wrapped in a blanket is really some kind of commitment to yourself/parts!!
Sending a gentle hug if you don't mind and a thank you for the inspiration. :hug:
Sending lots of support and snuggly soft blankets as she navigates these disconnected memories. It's so hard, Not Alone, what you are going through.
I'm also glad you mentioned being on the floor. I've started asking my T to sit on the ground with me when sessions get hard. It feels safe there for some reason. Thanks for sharing that so I know I am not alone.
Phil, I appreciate your kindness and the hug.
Armee, you are not alone. When I first started this journey of looking at the trauma, I spent a lot of time on the floor, covered with a blanket. thank you for the soft blankets.
I just spent more time on floor, wrapped in a blanket. I kept telling the Part that she was safe. Right now I'm on the chair with the cat on my lap. That is also comforting.
wow, notalone, so much progress, so much determination to keep your younger part feeling safe. it's wonderful, i think, for both of you. love and hugs :hug:
San, that is an encouragement to me. There are times that I have to fight the "shoulds;" "I should be normal," "I should be more functional," etc. I have grown in my ability to be kind to the Parts, but sometimes it is a struggle, so your encouragement is helpful.
I've had a two week break from work. I go back Monday. Now it feels like the "normal" weekend. I woke up feeling anxious, sad, empty, and like a failure. I enjoy my job and once I'm there it will be okay. However, having to be "on," be professional, for almost 40 hours a week is a big, big weight. I feel the pressure of that, but I've been up for a little bit and the heaviness inside is less intense.
Added to that is knowing that my H wants me to be (look/act) okay. That is an enormous burden that I feel when he is home, which is almost all the time. He doesn't say it often, but he has said it enough and in many different ways that I know that is what he wants. He isn't home right now, although he'll be back soon. Just writing this paragraph, I feel the weight and fear inside of me ballooning. In my childhood I had to pretend everything was okay so it just mirrors my trauma.
:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
Gentle hugs if you want them, Not alone. I hear you on the pressure a full-time job can produce. Here's wishing you energy for it.
hi Not Alone
I hope the heaviness inside continues to ease today :hug:
Thank you for sharing about the weight of trying to be okay for your H. It gives me something to reflect on.
I hope your weekend has so much goodness in it!!
The weight of those burdens sounds hard, Not Alone. I hope sharing them helps them feel lighter. :grouphug:
notalone, i share your heaviness about the expectations placed on us by others. it is a huge burden we've borne. i was once told by a healer that i was a cart pony who had been forced to do a draft horse's work all my life. those expectations can ruin our time and energy. love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
CactusFlower, Phil, Snowdrop, & San,
Thank you for reading and posting. To be heard------invaluable. To receive kindness and understanding------precious.
:grouphug:
Those are both huge weights, Not Alone. Being on at work for 40 hrs a week is a lot and it is exhausting, and then to have to come home and act ok when you ARE NOT OK. No one who went through and is going through what you have gone and are going through would be ok without ample time and support as these pieces are being sorted through, understood, and healed.
But Not Alone? You don't have to act OK for H. He may want and need you to act like it's OK, but you don't need to do that. If he can't handle what happened to you and what you are going through now as these memories surface and get worked through....that is HIS problem to deal with. You get to be not OK because it is not ok.
Sending strength and comfort and good thoughts to you, Not Alone :hug:
Thank you, Bach. :hug:
Quote from: Armee on April 02, 2022, 07:19:15 PM
Those are both huge weights, Not Alone. Being on at work for 40 hrs a week is a lot and it is exhausting, and then to have to come home and act ok when you ARE NOT OK. No one who went through and is going through what you have gone and are going through would be ok without ample time and support as these pieces are being sorted through, understood, and healed.
But Not Alone? You don't have to act OK for H. He may want and need you to act like it's OK, but you don't need to do that. If he can't handle what happened to you and what you are going through now as these memories surface and get worked through....that is HIS problem to deal with. You get to be not OK because it is not ok.
Thank you for your affirmation, Armee. Working FT in addition to the weight of the trauma that I carry is a huge weight. For the most part I don't pretend to be okay for my H, but I still feel the weight of his hope/expectation. I mostly deal with it by staying in my room, away from him.
Being back at work today went fine.
Quote from: Not Alone on March 30, 2022, 07:23:55 PM
The phone drama continues. I had to sent the phone to the company. Hopefully they can either fix it or give me a replacement. That means I'm cut off for one to two weeks. I hope it is resolved and returned very quickly.
I received my phone back from the company. It still isn't working. I just can't. . . . . . Took two xanax to get through the night.
so frustrating, notalone. modern medical miracles have helped me thru many a time like this. i'm glad you had them to help yourself make it thru the day. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Not Alone,
Sending you a supportive hug, :hug: I was sorry to hear your phone isn't working. That's so frustrating, and I wish they'd have sorted it out for you.
I'm glad that you got through the night with the xanax.
Hope :)
Thanks, San & Hope. The xanax did help me get through the day. I have to leave for work soon. Work will probably keep me from getting too close to crazy-land. After work I'll go back to the provider store again. The tech with whom I spent over 90 minutes on chat said to do _________. I asked her three times, "What if that doesn't work?" She assured me it would. I had other techs tell me that wouldn't work, so I'm not too hopeful. Besides being very upsetting on its own, the phone thing meshes with trauma and brought up new memories. The anxiety I feel is so high, my body feels like it is full of bees.
hi Not Alone
I hope your work day is going ok and your anxiety eases.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if talking with support (anywhere) felt like they had any understanding of traumatized people? Some extra training maybe?
I can't place an order at a drive-thru or over the phone without completely screwing it up every time because it causes so much anxiety to me.
You're not alone ...yes, I'm stealing your line - it's a really good one :)
Sending support and care and best wishes for a gentle day , as well as an easy fix for your phone after work :hug:
sending love and caring hugs as you muscle thru not only the problem at hand but your anxiety as well. by the way, you're notalone in that as phil said. my anxiety runs away with me when i have to speak to strangers on a phone, even for the simplest things. ugh! :hug:
I hope the bees leave soon - that image was so viseral for me.
Thanks Phil, San, & Rainy.
I went to the provider store after work. They were closed. Not supposed to be closed. Inventory, I think. It was a push off of the cliff. Medicating myself through the evening.
Not Alone, I feel for you on the phone thing. I've been having phone trouble too, and it's just terrible how unsettled and unsafe I feel when the dang thing isn't working the way it should.
Many hugs :hug: :grouphug:
Oh that's so distressing! I'm angry and sad for you right now.
:bighug:
Bach, Armee, San, thank you for your support. Yes, the phone thing is sooo distressing and triggering.
Yesterday I went back to the provider store. Spent an hour there. Even though they were kind (none of this the fault of the clerks who work there), basically they said there was nothing that could be done.
I will go to another provider, the one my H uses. I think that I will still be able to use my phone. Two of my adult kids are on my current, difficult plan, so that adds complication. I really need this nightmare to be over.
When I get phone situation settled, the Littles who have been so triggered will need to talk to T. That has happened some. I feel like I need the phone taken care of so that I can let the Little(s) just fall apart.
:hug:
I'm so mad! I have trouble with my elbows. I was in occupational therapy for at least 9 months. (Insurance stopped paying.) Last weekend had conversation with H about vacuuming. He told me he'd do it at least twice a week. We have a shedding cat and dog and it really should be done every day. He has a lot of stuff going on with his mom, but still. . . He is fixating on his project. He did not vacuum this week. I just vacuumed because I can't live in a pigsty. Arms hurt. Just took a xanax because I am spiraling. ugh. As hard as it is to be "on" at work, I can't stand being home with H. How much longer can I live with him and his avoidance? He did come out to my car to carry groceries in, so there are times that he is aware and helpful.
I've been in various degrees of a triggered state ever since the phone issue, over three weeks ago. When you are teetering on the edge of a cliff, it doesn't take much to push you over.
I hear you, notalone. My ex was very similar. My housework is rarely done due to fibromyalgia, but could the in-shape security guard lift a finger? Nope. Here's wishing you less pain, more energy, and gentle hugs.
I'm angry for you, too, Not Alone. It's such a small thing to ask. And someone who loved and respected you would have no problem doing it. I wish there were an easy way to just separate from him so you could have your own space and make your own choices.
Thank you CactusFlower and Armee. Appreciate your understanding.
After over three weeks and over eleven hours of "talking" with techs, my phone is working. I switched carriers and was able to keep my phone (which the other company insisted was the problem and needed to be replaced).
The feelings and memories that the phone issue triggered remain.
:hug:
I am glad your phone seems to be functioning as you had hoped it would.
I'm glad the phone is working now. It doesn't erase the state of being triggered but at least it marks a point in time when thay can start to settle back down a bit.
Hi Not Alone,
I'm relieved to hear your phone is working now, but I think it was horrible that you had to go through all of that, and I completely relate to what you said about the feelings that have been triggered remaining.
I hope that you get some space this weekend to enjoy some moments, and that the feelings that were triggered will abate over time. Sending you a hug too, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks for your understanding.
With working full-time, I have less time to be on OOTS. (Sadly, I have less time to care for my Littles too.) Life continues; work, marriage, dealing with trauma, relationships, etc. Touching base here in little bits, as I'm able.
:heythere: :hug: :grouphug:
HUGS we're here for you even if you can't check in as often.
we're still here for you, even if you don't have time or energy to make an appearance, notalone. sounds like your life is mucho busy right now. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
:grouphug:
Bach, Cactus Flower, San, & Armee,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I miss being able to connect with all of you as often as I used to. :grouphug:
I miss you too being here and well be here to give support when you have the energy to be here. In the meantime I'm thinking of you and all the things you and the Littles are sorting through.
I feel guilty for writing since I'm unable to read and respond very much lately.
I'm triggered right now. I know I'm triggered. I know mostly what it is about. Knowing the reasons might be keeping me from spiraling, but the feelings and thoughts are still there. I want to cry and/or scream. I'll probably t.v. and food binge. What else is new?
:fallingbricks:
Sending big but gentle hugs to you triggered parts. You've been through a lot, Not Alone. Being triggered is expected from time to time. Lots of gentleness and acceptance is deserved.
Thank you, Armee.
I'm okay today but the trigger is still on the fringes. It is something that I need to make a decision about so that adds to the situation.
It's so hard, Not Alone. Thinking of you :hug: :grouphug:
we're with you thru this, notalone. hang tough, or as tough as possible, ok? love and hugs :hug:
triggers do happen, but we're here for you as it happens. gentle hugs if you want them. :hug:
Dear Not Alone,
Making decisions can be really had, so wishing you whatever you need to enable you to do that. Whatever happens, we're here for you, and I'm sending you a heartfelt and supportive hug - for whichever parts would value it :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you Bach, San, Sage, & Hope. Your support means a lot. I did phone someone to get more information. I also know now that I have some time to make the decision. It's not a big decision, it just hooks into stuff. It helps to have time. My therapist is out of town this week, so I will be able to process with him next week. It feels pretty far away from me right now, but I do need to come back to it and decide what to do at some point.
sending love and a hug filled with just the right amount of time you need. :hug:
Thanks, San. :hug:
I've known for some time now that my H is AVOIDANT. I've also known that he isn't just a little avoidant, he's very avoidant. Today something happened that was------Wow! I don't want to write the details; I'm not sure if I'm protecting him or being respectful of him. Usually his avoidance affects me personally. In the incident today, I wasn't the one directly involved. The degree to which he deflected onto others, did not take any ownership of the situation, questioned facts and went the direction of conspiracy and had a complete lack of expression of concern for the person who is hurt by this event was shocking. Even though I knew he was seriously avoidant, when I think about the details of his response to this event, I am just shocked.
Deep, Dark Canyon
I'm sitting on the edge of a canyon
Not a beautiful place where people vacation
But an ugly, scarred trench
The sides are covered with green and blue goo
To some it might look pretty, but it is ugly, toxic waste
I'm sitting on the edge of a canyon
It is so deep that I cannot see the bottom
The void of the canon fills me with:
aloneness
disdain
sadness
disgust
anger
abandonment
hurt
betrayal
Most don't see the existence, depth or danger of the canyon
Some know and try to understand
A few see the canyon fairly clearly
There is one who is sitting on the edge, next to me
He knows the deep pain and anger the canyon causes me
He stays with me
He is Jesus
I'm sitting by a canyon, whose floor is beyond eyesight
Even though I don't see him,
There might be a very alone little boy at the bottom
That possibility helps me to have brief moments of kindness & patience
I'm sitting by a canyon whose name is
My Marriage
My Husband
Extreme Avoidance
:grouphug:
I really felt that ledge with you reading what you wrote.
It's unfair that you are stuck in this marriage. I wish you could fly away guilt free, protected, and accompanied by Jesus to a pretty, safe meadow instead.
Your H sounds like maybe his pathology stretches beyond being avoidant? Seeing someone treat someone else the way they treat us can be very eye opening. It's not just you, Not Alone.
Armee, thank you for your reply. It means a lot. I have moments of being in safe places with Jesus. I'm thankful for those times and carry those special times with me.
Quote from: Armee on May 24, 2022, 01:24:29 PM
Your H sounds like maybe his pathology stretches beyond being avoidant? Seeing someone treat someone else the way they treat us can be very eye opening. It's not just you, Not Alone.
I'm not sure if his pathology goes beyond avoidant. I'm learning more about avoidant, even though not easily seen by others, the harm caused is significant. I've mostly known it isn't just me, but when I'm the one who is usually blamed and hurt, it can be hard to know that. Seeing his avoidant behaviors/statements and lack of expression of feeling in the recent incident, not involving me, really pointed out how dysfunctional he is. The degree is almost scary.
Thinking of you as you contemplate and explore the canyon and perspective you are gaining.
Thank you, Rainy Diary.
One of my closest friends is coming today and will be here for a few days. She lives an eight hour drive from me. The Littles and I are so excited! :party:
and i'm excited for you all. :party: enjoy enjoy enjoy!!! love and hugs :hug:
hope you have a good time with your dear friend. They can make a lot of difference, can't they? HUGS
Thank you San & Sage. We've been having a nice time.
:cheer:
Hi Not Alone,
I am so happy to hear you're having a lovely time with your friend. Love to you and the littles :hug: :hug: :hug: It's great that you've been having fun and enjoying your time together.
Hope :)
:party:
It is strange for me to spend so little time on OOTS. This community has been such a life-line to me. I still feel like I have close friends here, who I'm not able to see as much as I'd like to.
I was off work for awhile, but I'm back now. Even though my job is fairly easy, having to be "on" for almost 40 hours a week takes a lot out of me. By the time I get home, I'm usually pretty tired.
Besides being tiring, having to be adult and be "on" so much also means that the Littles receive less time and care. That's really hard.
While I was off of work, I tried to see my T 2x a week, when possible. Now it's back to once a week. It's really hard, because I leave work, drive to T, then the next morning have to be The Professional. I am still dealing with my trauma, but more challenging to do that with my responsibilities.
My marriage continues to be :stars: :sadno: :pissed:. Sometimes it's just too much and I have to take time away from my Littles and the trauma in my therapy session to talk about my marriage.
Since my last journal entry in May, the following has been happening in my life:
*Beautiful spiritual moments with Jesus
*A (mostly) lovely week with my sibilings
*An amazing vacation with a close friend, seeing incredible nature
*Dealing with therapy and trauma
*Relationships with my adult children and with friends
*Difficult marriage with avoidant husband
*Work
Still around, but :fallingbricks:,
Not Alone
I appreciate your update Not Alone.
Thank you for checking in whenever you can. gentle hugs if you want them.
Thanks for updating us Not Alone. I'm thankful and also happy for you that there is some good stuff to say like your amazing vacation :hug: But I hear the other too.
:hug:
Thank you, Rainy Diary, Sage, Blueberry & Armee. :grouphug:
It's been a busy week, with something scheduled after work every day. Those have been good things, but it is too much and I'm tired. Allowed myself to sleep in today. Getting things done. Too much to do today. Trying to balance what needs to be done with taking care of myself and being kind to myself. Not easy.
:hug: :bighug: :grouphug:
:hug: :grouphug:
Dear Not Alone,
:bighug:
Hope :)
Bach, Cactus Flower, and Hope,
Those hugs mean so much to me right now.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. Tonight my H and I had a discussion about if we will stay married. There was no drama, no expressed anger or sadness, just discussion. No decisions made, but the option for divorce was put on the table as a very real possibility. It is late where I live and I'm exhausted, but couldn't sleep. I need to not be alone with this. My most immediate feeling is fear regarding finances. As I process, I'm sure I will experience many more feelings.
I am trying to read others' posts, but my eyes won't focus. I'm having a hard time sleeping because I'm upset about the conversation with my H. I think also, I dread tomorrow, our anniversary. There seems to be little to celebrate and I refuse to put up a front. I think I better go to bed though, because my body is crashing.
That's a very very difficult conversation to have had, Not Alone. Rest if you can is very good. Your mind when well rested can think through better how to make the finances work if that's how you decide to go. Happiness is important, too, and it seems near impossible to be happy in your current situation. Gentle safe hugs.
Thinking of you Not Alone as you work through this.
Hugs, Not Alone. Wishing you energy and calm to get through the day however it happens. With you in spirit.
:bighug: just want to bring you into a giant gentle hug, notalone, as you go thru this. like the others, i'm offering support and hope you can get some rest, even tho i know my mind would be a whirling dervish, too. sending love and a hug filled w/ care and comfort. :hug:
Armee, Rainy Diary, Sage, San,
Your support means a great deal to me.
I had a brief thought about my lack of tears regarding my marriage, especially the most recent conversation. I figured that I've been gradually accepting the loss of hope and have been slowly grieving. Every so often in church, they have couples come up front who have had anniversaries in multiples of 5s (5, 10, 15 years, etc.). They did that today and I told my friend that I had to leave. I walked into the parking lot and cried and cried. I do have tears.
I'm still processing the conversation I had with H a couple of days ago. I believe that he sees everything through an AVOIDANT lens. As I learn more about avoidant attachment, it helps me to try and make sense of things. He does not see his avoidance. (I start writing about this and then it feels complex, layer upon layer.) Sometimes these emojis say more than I can put into words.
:fallingbricks:
:hug: :hug:
Not Alone, I am thinking of you.
:grouphug:
avoidance, to my mind, notalone, makes it pretty difficult to have a clear, honest relationship. sorry things are going this way for you and your marriage. i'm glad to see you had tears. love and hugs :hug:
:bighug:
Hey Not Alone. Those tears are good. Even though you've always been grieving this feels like a new stage that needs its own grief process. Good for you for leaving during a difficult section of the sermon and taking care of yourself through that.
Another conversation with my H and he seems steps closer to divorce.
My income from my current job is not enough to live on. Looking for a new job is on the top of my "most stressful" list. I have updated my resume. I haven't applied, but I'm looking at a job similar to what I do now, but with more responsibilities. I was looking through their website and am now overwhelmed and shaky inside. Time to walk away.
I need to keep myself from spiraling. Ugh. This is way more than I can handle.
Hi Not Alone,
These are tough things to be dealing with, and I know it's a lot - I really hope you're able to get some rest over the weekend, and that you'll feel stronger and able to cope with things. It's great that you updated your resume, that's a big step. You can only do what you can do, one step at a time. I feel like I'm saying cliche'ed things here, but honestly, I hope that things will turn out ok for you - and whatever happens, that you feel supported and that you cope with these things. You're not alone. Sending you a hug of support. :hug:
Hope :)
Those are all really tough things to be dealing with, Not Alone! :hug: :hug:
Lots of tough things, I agree! Sending you peace and the energy you need to deal with stuff. hugs if you want them. :hug:
Hi Not Alone, I notice you have a lot to process and think about ahead. I am thinking of you.
It is too much to handle all at once. Small chunks. Don't forget the financial advisor thought you as a family had enough for him to retire on, before you went back to work. And half of that is yours right?
Having your support is helpful. Thank you.
I'm trying to take one step at a time. It is a challenge. My survival mode kicks in and my mind races to all the possible problems and possible solutions. Pretty easy to be overwhelmed.
I feel like my H is wanting me to say, "yes I want a divorce," so that he can say WE decided. It takes the responsibility off of his shoulders.
Tomorrow I plan on briefly telling my supervisor the situation. If I apply for jobs, she would see that because the resume and application goes to a central website. I would really like to stay where I'm at, but in a different role where I could make a livable income. That is my wish. That is my prayer.
A little over a year ago it took so much out of me to job hunt and to deal with a new job. It was super stressful for the Littles when I just moved into a different bedroom. Now it looks like I will need a new job and to find an affordable place to live. All TOO MUCH. One step at a time. One step at a time.
Yes exactly. One step at a time. Divorce takes a long time, too. You have time and it will work out. And if you move eventually, it will be your OWN place. Not being exiled into a room but
your very own peaceful place. When you come home from work you will have peace instead of the painful avoidant silence. It's huge but you are going to be ok. It's huge huge huge. But it will be ok.
I am thinking of you as you find your way.
:bighug:
Quote from: Armee on August 21, 2022, 04:49:20 AM
Don't forget the financial advisor thought you as a family had enough for him to retire on, before you went back to work. And half of that is yours right?
:yeahthat:
Good memory, Armee! ;) When I saw your post yesterday Not Alone I thought there must be something like money due to you from that kind of source but didn't want to burden you with thoughts of something else to find out but if the information is already there, then :cheer:
Gentle hugs, wishing you peace and energy as you work through these big things. :hug:
Your care and support (Armee, Rainy, San, BB, Cactus, & all) means so much to me. I believe you are correct about the money. Right now that is too far down the path for me to focus on.
I've been really trying to only focus on what my next step is. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I try to go back to my next step.
This week my H is acting like everything is as it has been. No mention of divorce since Sunday. His behavior, although it goes along with Avoidant Attachment, is really confusing. I feel like I need to keep moving forward to protect myself financially and get a job that will pay enough for me to support myself.
Quote from: Not Alone on August 22, 2022, 01:05:36 AM
Tomorrow I plan on briefly telling my supervisor the situation.
My supervisor was very supportive.
Not Alone, when I read your post, I reflected on how difficult it is to feel uncertain about what's next especially when an important party is not communicating or sharing in the way you need right now. I hope that you continue to take steps toward securing what you need for yourself. I am thinking of you.
Quote from: Not Alone on August 27, 2022, 01:08:06 AM
Quote from: Not Alone on August 22, 2022, 01:05:36 AM
Tomorrow I plan on briefly telling my supervisor the situation.
My supervisor was very supportive.
:cheer:
I'm sorry your h has gone back to avoidance.
I get that that is confusing and overwhelming. You are doing great. :hug:
Hi Not Alone,
I also think you're doing well to cope with this situation. Your H being in Avoidance again, that's not easy. But you have a plan for what you want to do, and that is hopefully something you can tackle. Sending you a supportive hug, and hope that an opportunity will present itself that will be helpful. :hug:
I am really glad that your supervisor was supportive, that is great.
Hope :)
I am feeling a bit frozen and my nerves are on edge. I'm off work today. H is gone all day so I don't have the stress of his presence.
More conversations with H. He is really minimizing what he said about divorce. "It was just a thought." I called him on that, but he continued his strategies of taking responsibility off of himself. "That is how you perceived what I said." Crazy-making.
I'm grateful that I have a T who understands AVPD (avoidant personality disorder) thoroughly. He affirms that it is crazy-making and understands the amount of energy it takes to keep my head above water. I also have some friends who have some understanding and/or empathy and support for me.
My H is talking to each of our adult children, giving them a heads-up that our relationship is not going well. He made it clear that he did not want me to be there. (I don't have it in me to fight him on that right now.)
Why would he feel the need to warn the kids if his talk about divorce was "just a thought"? That doesn't match. His words and tone also don't match "just a thought."
I am hoping that a job opens up where I currently work. If that's the case, I might not know for quite some time. It also would be a position with a lot more responsibility, new things to learn, and STRESS. I think, though, it would bring enough income to live on. I like where I work. It is overall a supportive, team environment. My supervisor is very supportive. I would hate to have to leave that environment and take a job somewhere with a toxic culture.
:fallingbricks: This week mostly all I could do was to go to work and try to bring some calm to myself. Dealing with someone with a personality disorder is hard on any level. When you add having cPTSD to the equation. . .
Last night and this morning I've been "window shopping," i.e. looking online and putting items in a "wish list" that I might want in my (possible) new home. If that does happen, it is months if not over a year down the road. It helps me to have some hope for a place of peace.
Thank you for you support and kindness. :grouphug:
notalone, you deserve nothing less than support and kindness - and that statement about how you 'perceived' his words is neither of those. crazy-making, indeed! i am so sick of people not being accountable for their words and deeds, and i'm sorry you're having to go thru this. i don't trust him, don't like the idea that he wanted to speak to your kids w/o you - it seems to me it should've been a team effort. no wonder you're feeling confused. it's a confusing situation. keep taking care of you as best you can - sometimes doing the minimum is our best, and that's not a bad thing. sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and clarity. :hug:
gentle hugs if you want them! I have to admit, "telling" you how you perceive something sounds like gaslighting to me. The talking to the kids thing is a red flag for me also. I hope you can get through this with minimal upset. We're here for you.
Oh what he is doing is making me shake with anger. There is a reason to speak with your adult children alone and it is to control and gaslight you. You have every right to speak to them too obviously. He wants to come out on top on this so he needs to control the narrative. Please speak to your kids too, ok?
I think it's really positive to start a wish list and to be proactively applying for new jobs. You CAN do this. :grouphug:
And count us among your friends who support and empathize with you and who see exactly what your husband is doing. Your right. It's really hard to deal with CPTSD and someone with a PD at the same time. But in some ways we are better equipped, too. Just hang on and trust yourself.
Hi Not Alone,
I was thinking about you just now, and wanted to come over and say 'Hi' and offer you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Quote from: Armee on September 02, 2022, 04:19:51 PM
Oh what he is doing is making me shake with anger. There is a reason to speak with your adult children alone and it is to control and gaslight you. You have every right to speak to them too obviously. He wants to come out on top on this so he needs to control the narrative. Please speak to your kids too, ok?
I think it's really positive to start a wish list and to be proactively applying for new jobs. You CAN do this. :grouphug:
And count us among your friends who support and empathize with you and who see exactly what your husband is doing. Your right. It's really hard to deal with CPTSD and someone with a PD at the same time. But in some ways we are better equipped, too. Just hang on and trust yourself.
:yeahthat: (
Sorry Armee I don't have the wherewithal to write my own response atm but I agree with yours)Notalone, I've finally read your post from Sept. 2nd. I'm so sorry about how your H is behaving and agree with everybody else that it's crazy-making. You don't deserve that! :pissed:
:hug: :grouphug:
thinking of you, notalone. hope you're ok. :hug:
It has been over a month since I've been on OOTS. I just reread your kind responses. I am so thankful for your support.
I've been off of work for a bit and have had the opportunity to take a couple of trips; one via airplane and the other by car. Both trips involved time with friends. Travel always includes triggers, but they were manageable. The time with my friends and in nature was precious.
H drove me to the airport. On the way he talked about divorce. :doh: He hasn't mentioned it since then (2 1/2 weeks). He says that we won't divorce unless we both agree. I think that is a mixture of kindness and of his unwillingness to take responsibility. I don't trust that statement. He might mean it now, but he seems set on divorce. His ambivalence is confusing and stressful. I feel like I have a guillotine hanging over my neck.
Thinking of all of you with warmth and tenderness. :grouphug:
Sending you safe hugs and big stuffed animals to squeeze. :grouphug:
I have strong negative feelings toward your husband.
It's good to see you back Not Alone :hug: :hug:
I am also very glad to see you back Not Alone :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: We're here for you, Notalone.
Thinking of you, Not Alone, and sending you all the safe hugs and good wishes :grouphug:
i echo everyone's sentiments, notalone. i wouldn't trust his statement, either. the word 'cowardice' came to mind (hope that's not too harsh). i've just heard those kinds of statements so many times . . .sending you love and a hug full of clarity and self-trust. :hug:
I resonate with living with lack of clarity. I hope things become clearer soon.
Armee, Hug back to you. I do continue to hold my bear at night. I appreciate your sentiment because sometimes the "I shouldn't. . ." creeps in. I smiled when I read "I have strong negative feelings toward your husband." I felt your care and protection in that statement. Thank you.
Blueberry, thank you. I miss you when I'm not able to be on OOTS as much as I was in the past.
Hope, Thank you. It is good to catch up, at least a little.
CactusFlower, I am grateful for your support. It really does help me.
Bach, Hugs back to you.
San, I don't think "cowardice" is too harsh. His lack of taking responsibility continues to put burden onto me. I appreciate your love and hug filled with clarity and self-trust. I need that and pray for that and seek counsel as dealing with AVPD can be very crazy-making.
RainyDiary, I know that you understand, unfortunately because of facing similar dynamics in your marriage. Your support means a great deal.
The job that I will be seeking, generally has openings in the spring/summer. In some ways that takes pressure off of me. It gives me time to prepare.
I've been connecting with people at work, who have been very helpful in showing me different aspects of the job that I will be seeking. It is a job that I have done before, but a long time ago. The language, acronyms (so many!), and technology has changed a great deal since then.
The staff in the position that I will be seeking has a meeting once a week. I asked my supervisor if it would be helpful if I attended those meetings. She said yes. It seems a simple thing, but with cPTSD it is filled with :stars:. I had attended another meeting with that staff. I felt like an imposter and strong feelings of "you don't belong." I was not getting a hint of that from anyone, but those feelings were really strong. At that particular meeting, I understood what was being talked about. In hearing other conversations, I don't understand and then I feel really overwhelmed and incapable. The good news is that my supervisor encouraged me to attend the meetings and did not say she thought that I was nuts to be looking at the possibility of that position in the future.
When I work on my resume, I often feel overwhelmed to the point of triggered. It brings out my fears and insecurities. Today my goal was to spend two hours working on my resume. I wanted to focus on each little bit of my task at hand and not start thinking about interviews, etc. I did work the whole two hours. I managed to mostly stay focused and not worry about things further into the future. I got one little part done. Now my task is to say. " :cheer: for sticking to it for two hours and getting that done, and not :pissed: 'Is that all you did in two hours?' "
I'm really feeling resentful of my husband for putting me in this position. To add to :fallingbricks:, he would deny that I need to get a new job. I have to live in the real world with bills and responsibilities. Earlier this week, I was doing a Jesus journaling (writing my thoughts and feelings and writing what I thought he might be saying to me). I wrote about the resentment. He pointed out to me that underneath the resentment is a lot of hurt that the depth and injury from my trauma has not been seen, believed or cared for by my husband.
Your Jesus Journaling sounds really helpful and I think that's true...that under the resentment is hurt and probably a whole lot of it. I'm sorry you husband is not capable of being there for you, and that on top of that he can't even admit reality that he is forcing you to take on more responsibility instead of focusing on healing. Ugh. Argh. I'm not supposed to say the types of words I am thinking. Instead I'll just send along a :grouphug:
I also still sleep with my stuffy, a giant fuzzy pineapple. My daughter shares my secret with everyone on earth because she thinks it's so funny. So I had to kiss the shame and shouldn'ts goodbye. Yes, I sleep with a fluffy pineapple.
i agree w/ armee, notalone, that i don't doubt there's a lot of hurt going on underneath, and a lot of pain because of it. so very sorry you're going thru this, that your husband is treating you like this. it's not right, certainly not good for your own mental health and well-being.
i think having the comfort of your stuffie is wonderful.
and, of course, :cheer: for sticking with it for 2 hrs. every step is an accomplishment to be cheered! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, Armee and San. :grouphug:
I had a dream last night that was a bit disturbing. The memory of it has popped up throughout the day, so I think I will share it here. I can see that many things that have happened in my life in the last month tie into the dream in large and small ways. IRL, my son is an adult and lives at home with us. Overall, the dream is about the possibility of divorce looming over me.
Dream:
My son was a child, maybe about eight years old. We didn't have a place to live. There was a building that we went into. There were two cots so we each laid in one and went to sleep. Then there was a noise, someone coming into the building. I was scared but shouted, "Whose there? Who is it?" I think it was someone who worked there. Then a wall of the building opened up and the other side of the wall was a homeless shelter. None of the homeless people were sleeping. They were all awake, talking. My son came on my cot with me. Then some men came by us. They were drunk and seemed unsafe. My son and I left and were getting away . . .
I don't need a degree in psychology to interpret that dream! It has left me with an ughh feeling.
Thanks for listening.
:grouphug:
That's really unsettling. You are going to be safe. You and your son will be safe. I know it won't feel safe not with your history but you'll be housed and ok.
I hope writing that out allowed some of the tension to ease.
Hi Notalone,
Your dream was transparent in a lot of ways - makes sense as you say in the context of what you have going on at the moment. Hope that you are able to get some rest, and I wish you the best for today - and send you a supportive hug :hug:
Hope :)
Armee, RainyDiary & Hope, I read your comments and your care and thoughts brought comfort. Thank you.
It's been :fallingbricks: couple of weeks.
Several months ago, before my H started talking about divorce, he asked me to attend an event in another state. At the time, I told him yes, although even back then, I wondered if that was a poor choice. That event was last weekend. The "highlights":
*My husband called me at work, insisting that I said I would take 1/2 day off. (I didn't.) That resulted in me in tears at work and needing to take a walk to calm down. The upside of that is that my co-worker was supportive.
*Five hour drive to state. H brought up "miscommunication." I mentioned what I had said during that week that should have alerted him that we were not on the same page. No ownership, of course.
*Stayed at a house with six other people, whom I had never met before. Distressing to Littles.
*Spent all of the next day with someone I had just met. H was participating in the planned activity with his friends. My new "friend" and I were there to cheer them on.
*By the end of the day I was exhausted. Some of the aspects of the celebration were triggering to me. Those aren't new triggers and were not a surprise. I took a break and went outside. God gifted me with a beautiful sunset.
*I drove us home.
*When H had called me at work, he had said this weekend was for us. Since we usually weren't together and then were with a bunch of people, I couldn't fathom how the weekend was for us. On the drive home, I asked him how the weekend was for us and what was he hoping for. He said, "I know you don't like it when I don't talk much (on long drives), how was it for you?" This time I was aware of his avoidant tactic. I said, "That was a question to me. I asked you a question." I repeated the question. His answer was----I'll just say odd.
*Even though I didn't answer his question, it told me two things: he had no intention AT ALL of working on his lack of communication and it seems he was hoping that I would magically be okay with him not talking to me. I'm also wondering if it was a test; would I be okay with his Avoidant functioning?
Go back to the Friday of that weekend. During my lunch break I looked at my text messages. I have a friend, with whom I've shared quite a bit about my marriage and about my trauma. I had a lengthy text from her about my marriage.
She said the message was out of love. It felt very condemning. I feel attacked and misunderstood. Some time ago I had sent her an article about AVPD (avoidant personality disorder). Based on what she said, I wonder if she ever took the time to read it. If she did, she didn't understand. I talked to my T about the text and another friend. Both advised to keep my response to her short. I have tried to be open to any truth in her message. There is some truth, but her truth seems covered in condemnation instead of understanding. For example, she said that I was angry at my husband, but her tone seemed condemning. To me, of course I'm angry at him. He has hurt me a great deal and continues to hurt and manipulate me with his avoidance. There is a lot more, but I won't go into it all.
She is the person I sit next to at church. I don't even want to go to church tomorrow. At some point today I will decide how I want to respond and will text back.
In her text she seemed concerned about this affecting our relationship. Of course it does! I told her private, vulnerable things and she is judging me. Another betrayal. Sad.
:bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
Anger seems like a perfectly reasonable and self protective emotion to have. It is so scary to be vulnerable with your secrets and then not know if you can trust that person. I hope your friend is reasonable toward you and you find a good way to resolve her insensitive and accusatory text in a way that doesn't feel isolating for you or dangerous for the secrets you've shared with her.
If and when you choose to separate from H it'll be quite painful but I bet you'll be able to breathe and find peace you can't find living with someone so withholding and manipulative.
Thanks, Blueberry. :grouphug: back to you.
Appreciate your understanding, Armee.
I did text my friend and briefly told her how I felt. She texted back and apologized. There may be more conversations to come. I sat somewhere else at church today.
Thinking of you Not Alone. I sometimes notice that my experience brings up feelings in others and they push their discomfort onto me. I appreciate how you are noticing your needs and adjusting to meet those needs.
i HATE when people test me, hate how it feels, hate the motivation behind it. sorry about that text - some friendships evolve to a place we're not comfortable w/ anymore. :hug:
Gentle hugs, notalone. I would have felt betrayed too. Perhaps distance is a good thing at the moment. As for the husband thing, I would find it very difficult to deal with that kind of avoidance and lack of response. Wishing you strength and patience as you work this through, regardless of outcome. :grouphug:
RainyDiary, San, Sage, thank you for your support.
Last week my husband told me he wants a divorce. That's all I can say right now.
:grouphug:
We're here when you want to say more.
I'm sorry, Not Alone. I can't imagine how painful and scary that is to hear. This isn't your fault, and hard as it is and will be, you are going to be ok eventually. :grouphug:
:bighug: :bighug: I am here for you, as are others :grouphug:
So sorry to hear that, I can only imagine what a difficult time this must be for you... sending you lots of kind wishes to help you get through this painful situation. My thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself, Not alone
Dear Not Alone,
I am sending you a supportive hug :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you, everyone, for your kindness.
We told the kids (adults). I'm trying to take one step at a time.
:grouphug:
Here with you, and you're not alone.
Thinking of you Not Alone.
right with you, notalone. my heart is heavy for you. love and lots of hugs from all of us :grouphug:
and one to just bring you in for comfort and caring :bighug:
Oh, notalone, we're here for you. Gentle hugs if you want them. This kind of change is always hard to process, but we're in your corner. :grouphug:
With you notalone :hug:
I'm so grateful for your kindness and support.
I am trying to take life step by step. I've been working on resume and application, which is a very involved process. I am making progress. Needing to get a new job causes me a LOT of anxiety. Trying to do one part at a time.
Being home with husband is stressful. No drama, nothing is said, but I feel the stress. Yesterday family was here, so I was with him all day. I got through by taking xanax to make the pressure manageable.
This morning I worked on essay application questions. I feel good that I got the questions done. I still need to tweak my answers and have some people look it over, but it was a step. Trying not to go to. . . I also need to ______ and __________ and ________. . .
Now that my kids know that we are getting divorced, I told many of my friends. Most have been very compassionate and supportive.
I appreciate knowing that you are here and am so glad for your support. I'm sorry that I'm not able to read other posts too much. Just breathing is hard right now. I feel like I've been in an avalanche and I'm buried in boulders. Not only that, boulders keep falling. One step. Next step. Next step.
:grouphug:
I'm so relieved most friends have been compassionate about the divorce and hopefully will be solid supports for you. If I can I'd like to lift one of those boulders up just a little to give you a tiny breathing space.
I'd like to help lift one too if I can :grouphug:
i'll take one, too, notalone. you are not alone w/ this, and i'm glad you have a support system for yourself as well. breathing is good. love and hugs :hug:
Hey NotAlone,
I'd just like to send you hugs and support :hug: as you go through this.
I'm glad you have a support system around right now.
Keep breathing, you are not alone
I'll take a boulder too, NotAlone. Gentle hugs and positive energy for you, and I'm glad friends have been there for you too in this time of change. We are here and we will listen.
Armee, Phil, San, Master of my sea, Sage, Thank you so much for your kind support. The sentiment of lifting a boulder off of me brought tears to my eyes.
There is so much going on that I don't even know what to write. I'm very tired. Trying to keep from being completely overwhelmed. Trying to be wise. Receive kindness and care from most people in my life.
My biggest focus and priority is getting another job. Stressful.
My husband seems to want to hurry divorce along.
It's all really too much.
Thinking of you, Not Alone :hug:
It really is all too much.
:bighug:
One day you'll be through it but right now it is too too much.
So much all at once. I am thinking of you.
:yes: It's so so much. Thinking of you and sending strength to just stay upright and not collapse. Supportive :hug: :hug:
Hi Not Alone,
I feel some anger towards your husband for wishing to rush things, and I hope that you are given all the time and space you need - these things are not fair to be rushed. It's too much.
I really hope you are ok, and that you have some support around you and some options. Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
I have to leave for work soon, but came on here to say that I'm drowning. Bach, Armee, Rainydiary, Blueberry, Hope, I read your supportive words and your kindness has put my face above the waves and I'm able to take some breaths. Thank you.
:bighug:
You are strong. You can do this. :grouphug:
And I am so so sorry you have to go through this. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be loved unconditionally and warmly.
Sending you whatever you need to keep treading in this moment.
So sorry to hear this, Not alone. I'm thinking of you and hope you can stay above water somehow
o dear notalone, too, too much to have to shoulder. no wonder you feel like you're drowning. sending love and a hug filled w/ life preservers of every size, shape, and color. know we're with you, surrounding you w/ energy to bear these burdens. i wish i could give you more. can we sit, have a hot beverage, and just breathe? a little respite time. :bighug:
:hug: :grouphug:
Quote from: Not Alone on November 25, 2022, 06:11:58 PM
I am trying to take life step by step. I've been working on resume and application, which is a very involved process. I am making progress. Needing to get a new job causes me a LOT of anxiety. Trying to do one part at a time.
This morning I worked on essay application questions. I feel good that I got the questions done. I still need to tweak my answers and have some people look it over, but it was a step. Trying not to go to. . . I also need to ______ and __________ and ________. . .
Great news!!! I was offered the job that I've been working toward and hoping for. It will be a different position where I currently work. I won't have the added stress of learning a new place and new people. It's also a supportive, non-toxic environment. My prayer has been answered. I'm so glad and grateful. I didn't even interview for the job, my supervisor just offered it to me. I will start the new job in July.
:cheer: :waveline: :woohoo:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I'm so happy for you!!!!! And it has sounded like an amazing work environment too. You deserved this to go right. And it did even easier than imagined. :grouphug:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Wonderful, notalone! That must be one load off your mind. So happy for you :)
you brought a big smile to my face after reading about this, notalone! so very very glad for you! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
step by step - way to go! love and hugsd :hug:
Thank you, Armee, Blueberry, San, and all.
Congratulations, Not Alone! What a great time for good news :hug:
Thank you, Bach.
More good news: I will need furniture for when my H and I divorce and live in separate places. I found and bought a used bedroom set for not too much money.
:cheer:
:grouphug:
I know there is stress and sadness and grief and anger but also....having your very own space will be so nice too.
Congratulations Not Alone.. that's wonderful news about the job .. and the furniture too.
Wishing these events turn into an avalanche of goodness coming your way. :hug:
Congrats on finding furniture! Step by step - imo big steps - you're on your way to reclaiming your life without your h.
Thank you Armee, Phil and Blueberry.
My doctor of 20 years left the practice. I saw someone new today. I needed refills on my headache meds and on xanax. She wanted me to see a neurologist and a psychiatrist. She also wanted some tests done. When I said no, she asked why. I told her it was triggering to me. She said, "It's only. . ." I'm not willing to jump through her hoops and she isn't willing to see me as a patient. She gave me a prescription for 10 xanax. I'm was distressed from what happened that I needed to take a xanax.
I made an appointment with a different doctor from my original doctor's practice, in 4 weeks. I hope I don't go through the same thing again.
I talked to someone from the insurance company to make sure the next visit would be covered. I was telling her what happened. She was encouraging. I appreciated that.
I hope that you find a supportive provider- it is so difficult to have to find someone new.
Thank you, RainyDiary.
I continue to be triggered by the doctor. I went to the pharmacy to fill the prescription for the few xanax and the headache meds that she was willing to prescribe to me. I found out that she had prescribed a totally different headache medicine, that was not covered by insurance and she never even told me. :pissed: I did not get the headache meds.
Oh, Not Alone, I'm so sorry to hear about those bad experiences with the doctor. I have had many experiences with doctors who would not accept my input about my own care and refused treat me unless I did exactly as they said no matter how many valid reasons I had for asking for something different. I have also dealt with the prescribing without warning of shockingly pricey meds that I ended up having to do without. I have a very difficult time trusting doctors and I know what a nightmare getting care can be. I hope this next doctor is someone you can comfortably work with and be cared for by. :hug:
gentle hugs, notalone. Hope you have a better experience with doctors from now on. Not listening is not acceptable.
Thank you, Bach and CactusFlower. I appreciate your kindness and understanding.
There are patient rights which includes the right to refuse tests, etc. Sad that this doctor is only willing to see those who jump through her hoops. The whole experience was triggering. At lease the appointment was only a conversation and not a physical exam. That would have been even more vulnerable and upsetting. I do have many people in my life who to respect me and who have compassion.
I had a pretty good day today. My H was gone for several hours which gave me some emotional freedom. I was able to get some things done, which I feared would be overwhelming. One task started feeling overwhelming and I prayed and did one step at a time. I even had the cognitive energy to listen to an online teaching that I've been wanting to listen to.
With so much being difficult, I'm grateful for a day of peaceful accomplishment.
That's wonderful Not Alone. And I anticipate many more peaceful days for you in the future. I can feel you able to breathe and lifting those rocks off yourself.
I'm glad for your day. :hug:
Hi Not Alone,
Sending you a hug, and thinking of you and your littles. I hope today is a kind one to you. :hug:
Hope :)
so very glad for you, notalone, that you found a few hours of emotional peace. that can definitely be the most difficult thing to do at times. hoping for many more of those hours in the future for you. love and a hug full of calm and comfort :hug:
Armee, Rainy, Hope, San, Thank you for your acknowledgement and kindness. With my Avoidant husband, even good things get turned upside down, so your words are meaningful to me.
Today I cleaned the bathrooms. Washed the floors. H stepped on the floor with his shoes on. It set me off. It's not just his lack of awareness and inconsideration, it's 27 years of not feeling respected or seen or heard. I prayed/journaled then reread an article about Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm not crazy and the wounds of living with someone AVPD are deep and real. I have calmed down some. I'm staying in my small bedroom. Resentful of that too. Just being in the same house with him is really stressful to me. Nothing is said, but I feel the tension.
From the time that H stepped on the wet floor to the time that I prayed/journaled, I received encouraging texts from four friends. I am so thankful for the many who support me, including those of you here.
Gentle hugs, notalone. Definitely here for you. I empathize with having to be in a home with someone and the resulting increased tension. Wishing you peace.
:hug: Thank you.
NotAlone, that would have set me off too. For me in those moments it is so puzzling and baffling and hurtful and painful as to why others do some of the things they do. I hope that you continue to find space for yourself as you navigate this tricky time.
i echo rainy, notalone. plus, i empathize with having to live in the same place as someone who cares not. it's awful and all too real. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, Rainy and San.
I feel a little lost today. I got things done that were on my "to do" list. I think it's the feeling of disconnection. It's not just that I'm alone, I'm alone with H home. I have no desire or attempts at communication with him anymore, but I still feel the emptiness. I wonder what it will feel like when I am living somewhere by myself?
Tough day today. I got some food prep done for tomorrow. Most of the afternoon I laid in bed, listening to Christmas music, in and out of sleep. It was almost like I was in a grief-semi-coma. I did make myself go for a short walk. It's freezing outside, but I thought some fresh air and movement would be good. I also managed to go to church tonight. I still feel really down. My world is unraveling. Grief.
:hug:
Grief. :grouphug:
Sitting here with you. Holding your hand gently.
Grief is very called for right now. Some of your world IS unraveling. After the unraveling it will take a different shape. Some of the new shape might still leave you grieving and some of the new shape you might love.
I can imagine right now the grief is profound on this important holiday when all your traditions have been lost and haven't taken their new shape yet, and while you are alone in your room. While you are knee deep...neck deep...in grief we are all sitting here with you. When I was little and my sister would be in trouble and sent to her room I would pass her notes under the door to keep her company. Here's my note under the door to you:
Merry Christmas. You are loved. You are not alone. You will be free soon, to live your life full of love, out in the open of your own space, and not imprisoned by someone's silence. Hang in there. I love you. Merry Christmas.
Armee, your words are so comforting and encouraging to me. I came on here to talk about my grief. Now I'm going to soak my mind in your words; real and true (grief is called for now and some of your world is unraveling) and true and encouraging (some of the new shape you might love).
I love your note under the door. I'm going to print what you wrote and place it in my journal to read over and over. Thank you, Armee. I can't even express how much you encouraged me.
Merry Christmas. I love you too. You are precious.
Gentle hugs, not alone. Your grief is real and valid, as is our care for you. I'll add my own note under the door - :)
We are with you in every season. You are loved and you are valued. We're on the other side of the door for you. <3
Thank you, Cactus Flower. That means a great deal to me.
:hug:
:hug:
Back to you, San and Blueberry. :hug:
Yesterday I went to a large resale shop. After about 10 minutes I felt overwhelmed. Still did some shopping, but then reached my limit. I did go to the grocery store after that. On the way home, I was thinking that since I went back into therapy and dealing with trauma 4 1/2 years ago, my tolerance for stores is low. Giving it more thought, I wonder if I've always felt overwhelmed in stores, but wasn't as attuned to myself. Even writing this now, I can feel my anxiety increasing. I don't know if it is being overwhelmed or being triggered.
A couple of people have started new journals. In the past, I've started a new journal with the new year. Now that I'm in the middle of figuring out divorce, it doesn't seem the right time. Maybe when the divorce is final (can hardly write that :stars:), I'll start a new journal. :Idunno:
I wonder if some of the Littles are nearby. All of a sudden I want to have a lot of emojis!
:party: :bighug: :waveline: :yourock: :rofl: :sharkbait: :chestbump: :woohoo: :umbrella: :rundog: :sunny: :yahoo: :boogie: :cloud9:
The emoji party made me smile. Thanks to a lifetime of pretty serious dissociaiton I had zero awareness of not being ok, of having triggers, or being anxious. I just was fully checked out, moving through the motions with no awareness at all. When my therapist started teaching me just the tiniest bit of mindfulness that's when all the triggers roared in. In reality they were always there I just had no idea, so for me at least your theory feels very true
I resonate with noticing more now that I probably just pushed down or didn't understand....and now I'm wondering "Now what?" I hope you continue to find answers or possibilities.
Loved that emoji party! The dancing circles reminded me of the old 7-Up mascot, Spot :)
I'm definitely with you on the "attunement" front - one of the first things my therapist had me to was actually stop and pay attention to my body when I was having emotional flashbacks. I found that I'm actually a much more anxious person than I led myself to believe at first. The tricky part is learning how to regulate the response... still working on that one.
Hope you have a good new years!
:hug:
Hi Not Alone,
I loved seeing all those emojis that your Littles were expressing - they made my Littles happy too.
Glad that you are choosing the time that feels right for you to write a new journal - it's your journal - your choices are so important.
I just popped over to send you a hug for the New Year :hug: and wish you the best things for 2023.
Sending some emojis to your Littles too - :cloud9: :boogie:
Hope :)
Thank you, everyone. I don't have it in me right now to address each of you, but please know that I appreciate what you wrote and you brought a smile to my face.
hey, notalone, it makes sense to me, w/ everything you've got going on, that it might not feel right for you to start a new journal. sounds like your awarenesses of what's ok or not for you are coming to the surface more strongly. we've got you as you go thru the realization, acceptance, and reality of everything around you. love and hugs :hug:
Gentle hugs and waves to the Littles! :whistling: :grouphug: :stars: :wave:
Thank you, San & Cactus Flower.
I'm having a hard time. I went through the Christmas ornaments, setting aside the ones that belong to my H. Lots of memories associated with ornaments. Feel the grief. Feel the tearing of the covenant of marriage. Then consulted with someone about something that I was thinking of doing for my future new job. I thought it was a great idea, but I had some second thoughts. My co-worker didn't put the idea down, but she did agree with my concerns. In another time, I would just tell myself I need to rethink that issue. Now, I feel overwhelmed and defeated. Life is just so hard.
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, Not Alone. Is there anything that can bring you comfort? I have a soft blanket to put round your shoulders if that helps. :hug:
Sending :hug: :hug: :grouphug: and care for your feelings of overwhelm and defeat.
Quote from: Not Alone on January 04, 2023, 08:30:08 PM
I'm having a hard time. I went through the Christmas ornaments, setting aside the ones that belong to my H. Lots of memories associated with ornaments. Feel the grief.
To me that sounds a bit like the problems I am having atm sorting thru things, except I'm running away from feeling much. You're going thru a lot and feeling the emotions. You're brave to be doing that. I'm standing with you in your grief.
I have a soft blanket over me right now, Snowdrop. Imagining you covering me brings comfort.
Blueberry, I appreciate you standing with me.
I had a nice day with my daughter. Now I'm feeling the anxiety creep up. I'm trying to stay in the now, but it is really hard.
Not Alone, I just wanted you to know that I'm here and thinking of you :hug:
:hug:
:bighug:
I'm there with you, Not Alone. :hug:
Gentle hugs, notalone. we're here with you.
Bach, Armee, San, Snowdrop, CactusFlower, and ALL,
Your support encourages me and helps me to feel not alone.
:hug:
You are not alone. Your marriage is lonely but you will still have friends and your children. New traditions that maybe in the end feel less alone than the traditions you have shared with an avoidant spouse. You are losing something for sure. But I just feel like the future will have more joy for you instead of less.
I appreciate you Not Alone.
with you, notalone. love and hugs :hug:
There have been some good changes regarding my future job position. The person with whom I currently work closely will be changing her job so now she will be on my team. She has been a supportive friend and will be a good mentor for my new position. She is very aware of my weaknesses---biggest being technology----and has always been patient and helpful.
There is another change in my position. Without going into details, it will be less challenging and therefore less stressful, although still more responsibilities and stress than my current job.
I'm not feeling too good about the way I found out about that change. It was mentioned in a meeting with most of the staff and not told to me individually. I hope it was a matter of one person thinking that the other person was going to tell me. I'm going to talk to my supervisor about that on Tuesday. I am nervous about that kind of conversation, but in the past I have felt heard by her.
I wouldn't have felt great hearing about the change in a meeting. Well done for talking to your supervisor, I think you're doing the right thing.
It sounds like good news that the person who's been a supportive friend will be on your team.
:grouphug:
Thanks, Snowdrop.
I've been feeling the impact of living with a husband with Avoidant Personality Disorder. For the umpteenth time, I re-read an article about having a spouse who is avoidant. On the outside all looks peaceful, but I feel the void, the emptiness. I am not crazy and living with an Avoidant husband has caused me a lot of harm. I think that as time goes on and after the divorce, I might come to know more of the depth and degree of damage done to me.
I'm starting to see the damage done to my children. I feel guilt about that. I will deal with that more later.
I am sorry for the harm you have experienced.
:grouphug:
That guilt is his to own. You did your best and you don't need to take ownership for his parenting failures. I agree that you will probably recognize and feel the depths of the harm done to you once you are away from it. That will need some grieving but I bet there will be such a relief too.
Thank you Rainy and Armee.
Thinking of you, Not Alone.
Quote from: Not Alone on January 14, 2023, 06:10:31 PM
I'm not feeling too good about the way I found out about that change. It was mentioned in a meeting with most of the staff and not told to me individually. I hope it was a matter of one person thinking that the other person was going to tell me. I'm going to talk to my supervisor about that on Tuesday. I am nervous about that kind of conversation, but in the past I have felt heard by her.
I spoke to my supervisor today. She apologized. I still feel unsettled about it, but I've done what I can.
:hug:
You communicated your feelings and that is important. In the future she'll know that blindsiding you is not the best approach and hopefully it doesn't happen that way again.
:yeahthat: this work crapola is the pits! i think you did really well, notalone. love and hugs :hug:
Thanks, Armee & San.
I'm feeling really overwhelmed and stupid regarding my future new position at work. Being overwhelmed doesn't help because I think my frontal lobe shuts down. I should try to take a break from thinking about it. New job doesn't start until July.
i agree, notalone. i hope you can take a break, set it on the back burner for a couple months. maybe it can begin slowly by slowly to come back, pieces at a time, small enough to manage yourself into a more comfortable zone. best to you with this, my dear. love and hugs :hug:
You've got a lot going on, Not Alone. Taking a break from thinking about the work stuff sounds perfectly reasonable, and a kindness to yourself. :grouphug:
Quote from: Not Alone on January 18, 2023, 02:17:40 AM
Quote from: Not Alone on January 14, 2023, 06:10:31 PM
I'm not feeling too good about the way I found out about that change. It was mentioned in a meeting with most of the staff and not told to me individually. I hope it was a matter of one person thinking that the other person was going to tell me. I'm going to talk to my supervisor about that on Tuesday. I am nervous about that kind of conversation, but in the past I have felt heard by her.
I spoke to my supervisor today. She apologized. I still feel unsettled about it, but I've done what I can.
My supervisor brought this up within a conversation. I felt her regret over how she handled that. I feel finished or settled about it now.
It sounds like she's reflected on what happened, and her regret is genuine. It also confirms that when you spoke to her, she heard you and took your words on board.
I know how disruptive feeling unsettled can be, so I'm glad you feel settled about it now. :grouphug:
`hey, notalone, as i was told by someone here, parenting is the responsibility of all parents involved. his avoidant personality is what's wreaking havoc and damage on your children. you couldn't prevent what you weren't aware of. take your time and be as gentle w/ yourself as possible, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, Snowdrop and San. Your care and wisdom means a lot to me. :grouphug:
Quote from: Not Alone on December 19, 2022, 11:17:09 PM
My doctor of 20 years left the practice. I saw someone new today. I needed refills on my headache meds and on xanax. She wanted me to see a neurologist and a psychiatrist. She also wanted some tests done. When I said no, she asked why. I told her it was triggering to me. She said, "It's only. . ." I'm not willing to jump through her hoops and she isn't willing to see me as a patient. She gave me a prescription for 10 xanax. I'm was distressed from what happened that I needed to take a xanax.
I made an appointment with a different doctor from my original doctor's practice, in 4 weeks. I hope I don't go through the same thing again.
Quote from: Not Alone on December 20, 2022, 09:08:18 PM
I continue to be triggered by the doctor. I went to the pharmacy to fill the prescription for the few xanax and the headache meds that she was willing to prescribe to me. I found out that she had prescribed a totally different headache medicine, that was not covered by insurance and she never even told me. :pissed: I did not get the headache meds.
I had my appointment with a new doctor today. It went well. She was kind and helpful. Relief.
I can see why it was triggering with the other doctor. You definitely did the right thing going to see a new one. I'm glad it went so well, and you were treated with kindness and respect. :hug:
Oh thank goodness. That is a huge relief. I can't believe (but can) how poorly the other new doctor treated you.
Thanks Snowdrop & Armee.
I had a virtual meeting with a lawyer today. The group is a ministry; they give counsel, but they don't represent you. I was given helpful and verifying information. My H met with a different attorney from the same ministry and he was given different information. He might have left out really important pieces of information. :doh:
We'll see what happens next. My H is being courteous lately.
I need to try not to get too far ahead right now and get overwhelmed. Divorce is so painful.
:hug: :hug: to you notalone
:hug:
Thank you Blueberry and Papa Coco. I need those hugs tonight. It's been a tough day. The door to more grief seems to have opened and I've cried at different times throughout the day. My H and I have had conversations about how assets will be split. That in itself is distressing. For me, feeling like things are being taken from me-----feels like r____.
I am thinking of you.
That sounds so hard, Not Alone. I get how distressing it must be. Is there anything you can do to bring comfort to yourself? I have a soft, comforting blanket to put around your shoulders, and some new tea for you to try if that would help.
This is just a suggestion, but when things get too much for me, I find Bach Rescue Remedy helps. I either put four drops in a cup of tea and sip it, or put them on my tongue. I find it helps lift the distress so that I can cope better. Just a thought.
:grouphug:
:grouphug:
Hey Not Alone. I'm here with you. It does feel that way, like r____ and you may be even triggered back to that time right now, not just that it is like r____ but that parts of this experience have triggered you and you are now having flashbacks and reexperiencing the past too. I have found when the past has been triggered and the present is equally traumatic in it's own right and the two collide and overlap....those have been the hardest moments of my life. Lots of compassion to you, Not Alone. This is hard. Really hard.
Sending support notalone :grouphug: We are here for you.
It seems that the last page of my journal has disappeared. At first I distrusted my memory of what I wrote, but I'm confident that I wrote about certain things. It is probably because of the IT work that was done on OOTS. I'm not too distressed by it.
I'm not going to repeat what I had written. I will just say that I talked to my T about an issue with the divorce that is tied in to my trauma. It helped to have him understand and not freak out over what I said. There's more, but I don't want to put it into writing.
I'm sorry you lost what you wrote. :grouphug:
Even though you can't write it here I'd like to send along love and support for what you are going through related to your divorce and trauma. It must be painful and difficult and I wish you as much peace as possible moving through that pain. I'm glad your T is there.
pain and trauma connected to divorce - i'm here w/ you notalone, along w/ the others. love and hugs :hug:
I remember reading the journal entry that's gone missing. I'm glad you were able to talk to your T. I'm glad he understood. :grouphug:
Armee, San & Snowdrop, thank you for your care. Snowdrop thank you for affirming that you had seen what I had written. With dissociation, I at times doubt myself.
I am feeling discouraged and incompetent about my job.
Feel grief, tired, angry about the divorce.
My H has filed. I have not received notification. It's public record though. When I got home today, I had 4 letters from lawyers wanting to represent me. I feel like bait with vultures circling overhead.
A couple of days ago I talked to a friend who understands the financial side of divorce. He explained things more clearly than anyone else up until now. I grateful for his support and help.
Trigger Warning (S/I)
Tough morning. Woke up with the feelings that I had when I went to bed, discouraged, incompetent, grief. I had to force myself to stand at the sink and apply my makeup. I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor. I texted two friends. Then I got my computer to get support here. The internet was down. The usual fixes didn't work. It was the last straw. I fell apart. Banging my head. Deep, soul-wrenching sobbing.
I see the correlation between my feelings when the internet was down and when my phone didn't work. I felt cut off from the world and cut off from support. Ties into the aloneness and isolation of abuse.
Also, while I was hitting my head, there were other ways that I wanted to hurt myself. My thought was that I couldn't leave marks that people would see. The abusers actually said that, "Don't leave marks."
I'm doing okay now.
I had lunch with my niece (H's side of the family). I told her quite a bit. She affirmed the avoidance in H's family. I need more time to process my conversation with her, but it seems that her affirmation is significant in similar ways to my Aunt affirming my grandfather's violence. That helped me to believe my memories. Living with a spouse with Avoidant Personality is crazy making. To have affirmation that everyone in his family was avoidant helps to know that it's not just my mind, it is true.
:hug:
I'm so sorry you were suffering alone last night and so triggered into needing to hurt yourself. Please don't feel ashamed of that. I'm so sorry even that was triggering back to things the abusers said. You want to get them off you you want them to stop. I believe this is why I got such strong SH impulses at times. It isn't you you want to hurt. It's them. You want to save yourself. :grouphug: It gets so overwhelming at times.
I'm sorry the divorce lawyers are acting like vultures. Find one you trust and turn it over to them. Then you can just throw the stuff that comes in the mail away without a second thought.
Even when you aren't able to get on a computer, we are still here and we are still with you. Anytime you need it...I'm a real person. I'm a mom. I care about you...you can imagine my arm around you anytime you need comforting. It's real.
I relate to the "don't leave marks". I get how triggering things are right now.
I don't know if this is relevant or helpful, Not Alone, but I remember you posting here when T told you H was avoidant. I'm glad your niece gave you affirmation about the rest of the family.
I'm glad you're doing better now. There with you, sending support and care regardless of internet. :grouphug:
:hug: :hug: for you notalone
I have a cold. I have a tough week ahead of me. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I have somewhere I need to be after work. On Wednesday I have a similar work responsibility to what I did on Friday, that left me feeling incompetent. I don't want to be negative, but I'm expecting a challenging week. Being sick will add to the challenges.
Quote from: Armee on January 29, 2023, 05:14:36 PM
Even when you aren't able to get on a computer, we are still here and we are still with you. Anytime you need it...I'm a real person. I'm a mom. I care about you...you can imagine my arm around you anytime you need comforting. It's real.
Armee, I feel your care. Having the support of you and others at OOTS has helped me so much over the years.
Snowdrop, I appreciate your understanding.
Blueberry, :hug: to you too.
Another thing that my niece told me was that my H's father drank a lot. That must have stopped before I was in the family, because I did not witness that. My H kept saying to me, "You don't tell me anything [about my trauma]." First of all, that is not true, at all. At all!!!!! And now I find out that his dad drank a lot. In 27 years, he never told me that. I feel so angry and empty.
You've got a lot of difficult stuff coming at you. Standing with you through your difficult week and also hoping there are a few breaths of fresh air / spots of sunshine literally and figuratively to help you through it. :hug:
:bighug:
Dear Not Alone,
I know that this week is a tough one, with many challenging things within it, and I'm so sorry to hear you've got a cold on top of all of that, but I wish you the best to negotiate your way through it, and I wish you a speedy recovery from your cold - hope you have some cold remedies or maybe lemon and honey to help soothe your throat and sending you a gentle and supportive hug too, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you Blueberry, Armee and Hope. :grouphug:
I took a sick day today. Glad I did. Mostly resting. I'll meet with my spiritual mentor this afternoon. Since I'm not working I'll have an earlier appointment. Even when I feel fine, getting home in the evening is tiring.
My H not telling me about his dad's drinking is really upsetting me. I know he minimizes things. If he did mention it, he made it a minor thing. I would have remembered that. My niece emphasized that he drank a lot. I feel betrayed. All these years of marriage and he didn't tell me that. Twenty-seven years of shallowness and emptiness. There were some good things, but right now that's all I feel. Yes, I feel betrayed.
Resonating with your being upset at not being told relevant and important facts. Sorry you're dealing with this, dear NotAlone. Gentle hugs and we're hear for you.
It is a huge betrayal. :grouphug:
He has work he needs to do for himself that he will probably never ever do.
CactusFlower, I'm grateful for your understanding and hugs.
Armee, Thank you for acknowledging the enormity of the betrayal. You are right that he has work to do, but probably will never do his work.
My T heard and understood the betrayal that I feel over my H not telling me about his father's drinking. I am so angry. So hurt. So rejected and betrayed.
I am concerned about work tomorrow.
:grouphug:
Easier said than done but just show up and do your best tomorrow. It's OK to not know how to do something.
I can imagine a part of the betrayal might be your husband attempting to frame you as the one with issues without owning up to his own. You have every right to feel angry and hurt.
it was a huge betrayal, notalone. no wonder you're furious. makes perfect sense - i'm glad for you, even tho it's awful, that you can feel those feelings and put them where they belong. his avoidance seems to have been a type of abuse, to my mind. i'm with you. love and hugs :hug:
Armee & San, I want to respond to what each of you wrote, but I can't tonight.
The work situation went fairly well.
I woke up at 5:00 a.m. with a splitting headache and have had it all day. After work I had a 2.5 hour meeting with the divorce mediator. I do feel good about her. I heard "You can't afford to live." I know she didn't say that. There was some reality about numbers and looking at options. She struck me as a "let's look at options and figure out how to make this work" person. So the message is from within me. Old, deep message: I am not worth life.
Thinking of you Not Alone after this full day.
:bighug:
Headaches suck. I hope it goes away and leaves you alone.
You are right, it's a trauma voice giving you that message that you can't live or don't deserve to. :grouphug: you do deserve to live. You deserve to live well. You will be able to manage the costs. You have a job. You will get half the assets I hope? Half the value of your home and furnishings? Retirement savings...those are yours, too.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. ❤
i totally don't agree w/ that old, deep message that you don't deserve life, notalone. you definitely do deserve it, deserve to live a good life, one w/o trauma, abuse, and anything neg. you deserve peace, love, and light in your life. love and hugs :hug:
:yeahthat: :grouphug:
Oh Not Alone, I feel such compassion for the part with the old, deep message. I wonder if mentioning what you've said to T might help that part.
You are worthy, Not Alone, and I see angels wrapping you in wings of love and light.
Big hugs and much love.
:grouphug:
Thank you, Rainy, Armee, San, Blueberry, Snowdrop. :grouphug:
A realtor that I know met with me this morning. He let me know what I should expect to receive for the house. H is buying my half. He was being logical and reasonable with numbers in the current market. He offered to talk to H. He suggested if H is not willing to pay withing a that range, to sell the house and split it. That would be hard for me to do because our son still lives here, so I hope it doesn't come to that.
He also assured me that he would be able to help me find a nice place to live.
He strongly suggested that I talk to an attorney so that I know what I should expect. Even if we continue with mediation, I will know what my rights are.
When I was driving away, I felt like a sixteen year old who doesn't have a clue. He was completely respectful and kind, those feelings are from within. And the truth is that I don't have a clue. I don't know how to get a divorce. I don't know how to know the correct value of a house. I don't know how to buy a house and how the finances around that work. I don't know. I'm grateful for the people that God is bringing into my life who support me emotionally, and also those who are imparting their knowledge and wisdom to me.
Now I need to clean the house. H is away for now, which helps. It's hard to be around him. He is retired and at home so I'm angry that I need to spend my day off cleaning on top of everything else that I have to do.
:hug:
Clean just what matters to you, ok?
I agree you would want to have your own lawyer. And no one really knows how to do and understand those things...it's just a matter of confidence displayed. When I sold my mom's house and had to deal with her estate and taxes...I had NO CLUE what I was doing. I just moved from step to step certain I was doing it wrong and was going to be thrown in jail and was stupid and didn't know how to adult. But you know what? The only difference I think is our self doubt. Other people hear a bunch of lawyer talk and think "yup got it." We hear and understand the same and think "wait I'm so confused! I can't do this! I'm so stupid and lost!" But a lawyer representing you will look out for you and will point the light at the next step and the next and the next.
I'm so glad the realtor was helpful. :grouphug:
Hang in there. It'll be a long ride but there's a big light at the end. Your own space.
May I be angry at your H for not doing
at least half the cleaning :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
Quote from: Not Alone on February 04, 2023, 05:40:31 PM
When I was driving away, I felt like a sixteen year old who doesn't have a clue. He was completely respectful and kind, those feelings are from within. And the truth is that I don't have a clue. I don't know how to get a divorce. I don't know how to know the correct value of a house. I don't know how to buy a house and how the finances around that work. I don't know.
What you're writing here reminds me of the content of that thread about Shame and Intelligence https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13735.msg128228#new which you commented on too. I imagine that some part of you does know a bit more about legal and financial aspects of divorce and house-buying, even if it's the first time you're dealing with the former, but your coping skills with that kind of intellectual stuff is all spread a little thin atm because of the cptsd-related stuff you're dealing with.
As others have reminded me in past few days on here: a move is stressful! You are preparing for a move and for a big upheaval, even if in the end it will bring good back into your life.
Feeling grateful for you that there are people irl who are rallying round with empathy and information.
thank you, Armee and Blueberry.
I tried to fill out some of the paperwork for the mediator. There is so much about finances and insurance that I don't understand. I don't understand the language or what is needed or where to find it. I sent a couple of emails to work. Hope I don't look stupid. I need to take a break from this.
hey, notalone, i think it's all right to look 'stupid' about this situation. this is not your area of expertise, so no expectations on you to know what to do along this process. i agree w/ blueberry - i'm very angry on your behalf that you're not getting help from your H in the cleaning dept. plus, like armee said, clean what's important to you. the house doesn't need to be immaculate in order to sell it. please remember, this is not your sole responsibility. he's part of this, he deserves to be responsible for what's happening, too. love and a hug full of compassion and support and 'be easy on yourself'. :hug:
Complex paperwork is so challenging especially on top of everything you are making your way through. Hopefully taking a break and getting some questions answered (which is what I assumed emailing work was about) will give you fresh eyes.
Just to clarify, I will be selling my half of the house to my H. He is keeping the house. That is unless he is unwilling to pay a fair price. I'm still living here and it was getting dirty to the point where I felt gross. I don't need things perfect, but a messy or dirty house affects how I feel.
I set a goal to work on the paperwork for mediation for 20 minutes today. I did meet that goal. I told myself that I wrote my resume and did all the steps necessary for the job process. I can do this financial paper work, one step at a time.
Ugh, I’m sorry to hear about the house feeling dirty/gross. That would bother me also…and also I’m the one that tends to resolve that. I hope you continue to find small steps.
Edited to say: I wish I hadn’t used the word small. These steps may feel gigantic. I would rather have said manageable steps m.
Quote from: Not Alone on February 06, 2023, 03:38:51 AM
I told myself that I wrote my resume and did all the steps necessary for the job process. I can do this financial paper work, one step at a time.
Exactly. One step at a time. And ask questions of the professionals when you have them, as often as the come up during these one step at a time bursts of productivity. It's OK to not know the answers. If H has information he hasn't shared with you, it's OK to make him give it to you. :grouphug:
Seconding what armee said. Step by step is still progress. Gentle hugs for you!
Thanks, Rainy, Armee & CactusFlower.
I really lost it with my H on Monday morning. It was really bad. Somehow made it through work, but it was very hard. It took me at least the entire day to get regulated.
I'm sorry he did that to you...whatever triggered it, he deserved it. :grouphug:
Wishing you calming loving thoughts toward yourself as you resettle.
Hi Not Alone,
:hug: to you, and so sorry to hear about the horrible start to your week with the incident with your H. Well done for getting through the work situation, and hope the feelings of regulation have stayed with you, as you mentioned that you took the day to get regulated, but I think it's great that you did that. Got regulated. Well done. I think it's a hard thing to do.
I am also seconding Armee's wish for calming loving thoughts to come your way, and I am also sending you some of those too. :hug:
Hope :)
Armee & Hope, thank you for your supportive words and for your hugs. Back to you. :grouphug:
The realtor that I met with called me tonight. He knows an attorney who will meet with me at no cost, to help me to know what my rights are.
I told my T that it felt like I was fighting for my survival. I said that to a coworker today. She said, "You are." That was affirming. That's how this divorce process feels, like I'm fighting for my survival. That's how big all this feels.
I asked my T, "Am I going to make it through this?" He said that I will. I've made it through worse. I need to hear that though, that I'll make it through this. Sometimes it doesn't seem that I will.
Your coworker knew just what to say. I agree. It is a fight for survival. You will survive it, I have no doubt at all. But it will take fighting for yourself and your right to live and be free. :grouphug:
I'll just repeat. You WILL survive this. The process and the grieving is pure pain and fear, just like processing trauma. But on the other side there is a good life waiting for you, one you probably can't even imagine right now.
Armee, I really needed to hear those words. Thank you.
My H said he knew that his Avoidance really affected me and that he took responsibility for that.
I texted our financial adviser/investor, trying to get clarification on what money was inherited from my father. His answer was not helpful. Maybe my question wasn't clear, as I don't understand financial issues. At any rate, it feels like he is for H. I had faxed a company for information. I should have received that three days ago, but I haven't received anything.
I woke up late this morning, took a shower, and went back to bed and slept for several hours. I've been sick for two weeks (the illness circulating at work) and also I'm feeling overwhelmed and like I am not going to make it. The future new job, the divorce finances, finding a place to live and moving; it is all way too much.
I called the attorney, who said he would meet with me, but haven't heard back yet.
I managed to fill out most of the paper work for the divorce mediator. There is still some left. I feel so ignorant and incompetent in those areas.
I made myself go for a short walk this afternoon. Temperature is above freezing and the sun is out.
I need to do my laundry. Even that feels too hard right now. Ugh. I am house and cat sitting for a friend next week. I need to pack what I need.
I'm going to push myself to do my prayer journaling. Everything feels too hard right now, but connection with Jesus will be a good thing for me.
I'm getting through each step of the day. I feel grief. I am overwhelmed and fearful. It is very hard to trudge through life.
I'm so sorry. :hug:
I am here with you if that is welcome.
:hug: :hug: I know what it's like when even laundry feels too hard to do.
I'm sorry everything is so hard rn. I believe you will get through it.
Thank you, Armee, Rainy & Blueberry.
I started writing about work, but without details, it doesn't make sense. Bottom line, possibly another loss. More of feeling like what I care about and have spent time on is being thrown away. It's not a straight-forward work thing. It is all tied in to loss, loss, loss, loss, loss. I'm up in the middle of the night over it.
I resonate with the experience of loss. I hope that you find some moments of ease.
:bighug:
It piles on sometimes, doesn't it? Sitting here with you in your loss and grief.
Hi Not Alone,
Loss is pervasive and when it reaches out in the middle of the night, it's tough - I relate to what you said. :hug:
Really hope that you are able to get a better night of sleep tonight.
Hope :)
Rainy, Armee, Hope, I appreciate your understanding about loss.
I feel depressed right now. I'm deciding if I will skip church and curl up and go to bed. Church is probably the healthy choice, but I'm also in a bit of "I don't care what is healthy" state.
H is going out to lunch with D and BIL. More loss. More being left out.
H has asked an assessor to look at the house. So now I need to clean the house on top of everything else.
So today I need to:
:blink: Clean the house.
:blink: Grocery shop.
:blink: Fill out financial paper work for divorce mediator.
:blink: Laundry.
:blink: Keep working on self-training about technology for new job position that I will have in July.
All with the weight of loss and rejection on top of me.
Quote from: Not Alone on February 11, 2023, 10:57:42 PM
I texted our financial adviser/investor, trying to get clarification on what money was inherited from my father. His answer was not helpful. Maybe my question wasn't clear, as I don't understand financial issues. At any rate, it feels like he is for H. I had faxed a company for information. I should have received that three days ago, but I haven't received anything.
I finally got financial information from financial adviser/investor. Hopefully it will help me.
I skipped church and ended up sleeping.
To the best of my ability I finished financial information for divorce mediator. That is not easy for me and it took some time.
TW
I'm triggered by many things right now. Hit my hand against the wall. It is swollen and hurts. I took a second xanax to try to diminish my huge feelings and temptation for SI.
I might not get anything more done on my "to do" list. I'm in survival mode. I don't have to work tomorrow so I'm grateful for an extra day.
I'm so angry H left you to deal with the cleaning laundry and shopping. I know the cleaning is important right now for valuing the house for you. I am so so so proud of you for getting thru the financial documents. That stuff is so difficult and triggering and just emotional. Good job resting. Rest rest rest. There's tomorrow. :grouphug:
Hey notalone,
It sounds to me as if you accomplished a lot today, especially considering you're in survival mode. Really, quite enough done from your 'to do' list and then some. It sounds to me as if sleeping instead of going to church was necessary and beneficial. Good job! :cheer:
I'm sorry you're triggered by so much atm. Sending support and care. And gentle hugs if not too overwhelming atm.
:grouphug: Armee & Blueberry.
I am here supporting your journey from afar.
notalone, i hope the xanax helped keep you from more SH. this is such a tough time you're going thru, and i can only applaud your determination, perseverance, and sense of responsibility to take care of what's necessary w/o help from your H. i, too, feel anger that he's not helping more, leaving you w/ the bulk of what needs to be done.
hang tough, notalone - i'm hangin' right beside you. love and hugs :hug:
I asked my H what he was going to do to clean. My idea of clean and his are not the same. He did some things and I did some. I let some stuff go.
I had some difficult moments today, but I was mostly okay.
:hug:
I'm proud of you. Even if his idea of clean is not the same, it's still a good thing to call him out a bit on what he's doing.
Good luck this week and lots of love to you.
I'm doing okay right now. We were without electricity for a couple of days. I'm grateful that it is working again and that the house is warm!
I'm grateful you have electricity back and that you have comfort in feeling warmer today.
Thank you, Rainy.
Joint meeting with divorce mediator today. Went over numbers and accounts. No decisions made. Even with job starting in July, it seems I won't make enough to live on. That isn't even thinking about retirement, of which I have none, other than a little inherited money. This is too much for me.
Forced myself to go to church. It was a good call. Tough day, but doing better now. I was able to get some further information to divorce mediator that she needed.
:grouphug:
Not Alone, you are in my thoughts during this time. I am glad you found something that was supportive today.
I had a private meeting with the divorce mediator last night. She went beyond her "role" to try and help me. The information that she gave to me was stuff that I need to know. However, I left the meeting with the message that I can't afford to live. That is with income from my future new job. I'm so depressed. I went to a training meeting at work for my future job and I thought, "I don't even know if I will be there." I don't know how I'm going to keep going. I have adult kids and I must keep going. I'm already under a pile of weight that is WAY too much. Then more weight falls on me. I do not know how to get through this. Somehow I made it through work today. I can't do this.
:bighug:
:bighug: Standing with you. Knowing you don't have enough money to live off is very unsettling and worrying. It messes with everything ime.
Sending strentgth and support!
Quote from: Not Alone on March 03, 2023, 01:49:01 AM
I had a private meeting with the divorce mediator last night. She went beyond her "role" to try and help me. The information that she gave to me was stuff that I need to know. However, I left the meeting with the message that I can't afford to live. That is with income from my future new job. I'm so depressed. I went to a training meeting at work for my future job and I thought, "I don't even know if I will be there." I don't know how I'm going to keep going. I have adult kids and I must keep going. I'm already under a pile of weight that is WAY too much. Then more weight falls on me. I do not know how to get through this. Somehow I made it through work today. I can't do this.
It sounds quite overwhelming and scary. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers on your behalf.
Thank you Armee, Blueberry & Natureluvr.
On top of what I was already feeling, my H did something this morning, that on the outside looked kind, but to me felt manipulative. Again, this was before work. I had a very hard time pulling myself together to work. I wasn't 100% successful at that. A friend at work asked how I was and I shared with her. Her compassion helped. The afternoon was better. On the way home from work I called a friend to process what had happened with my H. She confirmed that what he did was manipulative and was about him. I'm tired of dealing with this crazy-making avoidant behavior.
I had a horrible dream about my son last night. In my dream, my heart was being torn apart by grief. My anguished crying woke me up. Even now, 20 hours after the dream, I'm really disturbed.
:bighug:
Those dreams are absolutely gut wrenching. I've had similar and it truly feels as if it has really happened in terms of the mental and physical distress. I'm so sorry you are managing the nightmare hangover on top of the financial stress and divorce grief and then H's manipulation on top of that.
:grouphug:
There are so many big losses piling up for you and I can imagine moving away from your son is one of the more painful losses? Sending lots of love as you go through this weekend and grapple with the uncertainty and loss.
i echo everything armee said, notalone. you've got so much on your plate right now w/o the added misery of manipulations and nightmares. know that i'm with you thru it all, right beside you. hang tough, ok? much love and a hug full of a soft cloud on which to rest your weary being if only for a little while. :hug:
Armee, you are right about the impact of the dream and also about the sadness that I will no longer be living with my son.
San, thank you for being by my side. You are such a kind and loving person.
I was working on some future job technology stuff earlier. I'm feeling overwhelmed now, so I'll walk away for the time being.
I'm very confused and in a dilemma about a future place to live. I don't understand finances and I certainly don't understand the real estate market. Advice that I have received from financial experts is that I can't afford to live. Well, that is what I hear. I know that for my heart and for the Littles, I need a safe place to live. My hope through all of this has been to have a safe haven. If that is not possible . . . ?????
Not Alone, I wanted to share that I've been reading and haven't been sure what words to write. I am here with you even if I don't say much.
Thank you, Rainy. I appreciate you.
I hear you Not Alone. And I get it too from own experience. Sending support :grouphug:
Thank you, Blueberry.
I talked to a friend today who recommended that I talk to an attorney. She stated, "This is your life." I have emailed a message to one practice asking if they consult and the cost.
There are multiple reasons for my hesitancy to meet with an attorney.
1) cost
2) If I'm given information that things should be different than what is discussed with the divorce mediator
- how do I know if that information is accurate or do they just want me to hire them and it will cost a lot of money?
- I don't feel like I have the emotional capacity or mental ability to fight for myself
3) I feel like I'm being deceitful. When H first talked about divorce, he said that we would divide things evenly (too much to say about that) and neither of us would lawyer-up. I'm starting to process this. Was that a set-up?
This is emotionally confusing to me. I guess I need to do what I have to in order to take care of myself. So far I've only contacted one firm. Hopefully they will respond soon and it will lead to confirmation as opposed to confusion and even more stress and complexity.
❤️
This feels like a life situation where we need a guide and it is difficult to find that as well as build trust in others and self. It is hard to feel safe and supported. I hope that you continue to find ways to build a support network that will help you through this.
:hug:
Perhaps a lot of the reasons on your list of why you are hesitant are also the very reasons getting a lawyer are a good idea. (I agree with your friend, AND totally understand why you feel hesitant.) If you are getting information that you won't have enough to live on, while just a year or so ago the financial advisor told you and H back when you weren't working that you all had plenty of money for H to retire than to me that seems a little off. You deserve to have someone fighting for YOU.
I agree with Armee. You definitely need someone on your side. You can always ask the attorney not only how many cases they've completed successfully, but also (if anything is different) make them explain fully. Fortunately, many attorneys make time for free consultations, even if they're short. Flat-out ask them if they think you have a case and what the chances are of getting what you need. A good one will answer that. We're rooting for you here! Gentle hugs
The attorney called this morning on my way to work. I thought it would be a fairly quick call to set up an appointment. Instead he asked a lot of questions. I had to pull over to look at the financial information. I sensed his frustration over my lack of understanding over financial matters. He did tell me the bottom line of the law regarding what I need to understand regarding my situation.
I was late for work. Anything dealing with the divorce is upsetting to me. Feeling the lawyer's frustration with me made me feel stupid. By the time I got to work I was very shaken. I ended up crying and a coworker was supportive.
The lawyer is in the same complex as my therapist. I emailed him and asked if he knew about him. He said he only heard things from other sources to be cautious about. I will see my therapist tomorrow.
With the information that the attorney gave me, I'm wondering if I have the information that I need and that I should not hire the attorney.
it ticks me off that the atty. was impatient w/ you, notalone. that's his area of expertise - why would he expect someone outside his profession to know everything? that's on him, not you. i'm glad you'll talk to your T about it. at the least, you deserve an atty. who is patient, kind, and helpful, not one who makes you feel stupid. i don't have a good feeling about him. but that's just my opinion. best to you - divorce is messy and stressful at the very least. and, absolutely distressing and upsetting. love and hugs :hug:
I agree with San. And like finding a therapist you get to shop around to find one who is a good fit. This one is not if he makes you feel that way. Keep looking, please.
I don't know if it'll make you feel any better, but when I was stuck as executor of my mom's will, I went to the attorney who had inherited her file from the attorney who had helped my mom write the will. I confessed as she talked about all these legal terms and the things I had to do with taxes and the house and filing this and that with the state and on and on I said "is it normal to feel this confused about the process? I'm so lost!" You know what she said? In a cold harsh voice: "no it's really not normal." Ouch. But I knew under it all that it is normal and that if I ever go draw up a will with an attorney I would never ever use her.
There's nothing wrong with you that you are lost and confused and don't understand the financial world. It's normal. It's a confusing landscape. It's OK to not understand. But you do need someone on your side to help you who will empower you not make you feel bad.
I'm sorry. This sucks. :grouphug:
Quote from: Armee on March 08, 2023, 02:27:41 PM
There's nothing wrong with you that you are lost and confused and don't understand the financial world. It's normal. It's a confusing landscape. It's OK to not understand. But you do need someone on your side to help you who will empower you not make you feel bad.
:yeahthat:
Just wondering how you're doing Notalone? No reply necessary. :hug: :hug:
Thank you San, Armee, & Blueberry. I appreciate your thoughts, suggestions & checking in on me.
I decided not to go with an attorney. He told me what I need to know.
Last weekend we saw the divorce mediator again. It did not go well. H saw her alone after that. I will see her alone tomorrow. I just need this to be done. It has gone way past my coping abilities. I don't know what she will say or even how much I will understand, but I need this to end.
I haven't even started looking for a place to live. Renting, buying. . . tough to find anything that I can afford.
I need to sit down and write down what I need to do, who I need to contact. I spend so much time being fairly rattled, so hard to think and organize.
:bighug:
Standing with you Notalone :bighug:
gentle hugs, notalone.
with you all the way, notalone. that whole moving thing is so huge, and going thru what you're going thru is going to take its own toll. not surprised you're feeling rattled. it's a tough place to work on something like moving. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, Armee, Blueberry, CactusFlower, & San.
On top of everything else, there has been an ongoing problem with my relationship with a friend. Her texts are really confusing and contradictory. I have offered to seek some degree of repair by meeting with a mediator, but she has refused. She is feeling more and more unsafe. Unfortunately, she is in some of my social circles. It has been more than uncomfortable.
I continue to spend most of my time in the little bedroom in our house. There are times that I feel like I can't stand it any longer. I don't want to be anywhere near my H though.
I am glad you have a spot in your home that feels safe and yet also hope sooner than later you have more room to yourself. Other people are so complicated and I hope you find some ease as you keep stepping through all this mud.
I'm so sorry your friend is acting so strange. Ugh!
The move and all the changes are deeply upsetting but being in your own space away from H will be the silver lining. It's so much, Not Alone
:hug:
We're here
yes, indeed, we're here, notalone. :grouphug:
i've had to eliminate friends as well as others because of the realization that they weren't safe for me. it's a tough decision. listen to your gut, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Rainy, Armee, & San,
I greatly appreciate your support. The situation with the friend is even more difficult because she is part of a group that I belong to. The group is supportive of me and I don't want to walk away from it. The whole situation is really weird. I don't want to spend the time going into details and I have others in my life with whom I've shared details. It makes the Littles scared.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 20, 2023, 01:35:25 AM
I am glad you have a spot in your home that feels safe and yet also hope sooner than later you have more room to yourself.
Rainy I appreciate what you said. I am grateful for a place that feels safe and I needed to remember that.
Please do not give advice. I have spoken to a lawyer and the law does not help me.
I mostly was home with my kids. I did some part time work. In the divorce, financially, it is unfair. I lose. I'm angry.
Hi Notalone, i am so sorry to hear about your divorce and all the awful things that come with it. Divorce is awful even in the best circumstances, and it sounds like yours has been a really excruciating journey. I'm sorry :( And I'm so sorry with how unfair the law is in this. You deserve better. Here's a warm hug, if you would like one. We are with you :hug:
I'm sorry that you're going to lose financially Notalone. It's not fair. May I be angry on your behalf? :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
I'm also sorry about the situation with the friend and the group she is part of, that makes the situation more difficult. I'm sorry the whole situation makes your Littles scared. My Little Blueberries understand and are sad for your Littles. I appreciate and respect that you're not going into details on here.
littlebluejay, I appreciate your kindness and the hug.
Blueberry, Thank you for your compassion and for your anger on my behalf. I appreciate Little Blueberries care and understanding.
:grouphug:
Back to you, Armee. :grouphug:
Your situation has been playing in my mind and it really is making me feel anger, not just for you but also generally. It's not fair thar you raised the children essentially providing free labor and now get less because of that. I'm sorry the law doesnt provide more help. :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
If I may say so, I wish your H had more understanding and appreciation of what you did for him and his children and that that appreciation turned into more reasonableness and dollars!
Thank, Armee & Blueberry. I needed to hear your anger on my behalf right now. H is backpedaling on his word that I would get more money. Not a surprise. As he has always done, he sees things the way he wants to see them.
Today he filed (correctly). We have a court date in April. H said sheriff will come to the house and serve me papers. That is really triggering. Grrrrrrr.
So he's not just avoidant he's also something else I'm not supposed to say here.
Thinking of you.
Sending care and thoughts :hug: :grouphug:
notalone, may i share some extra anger toward your situation? :pissed: :blowup: i hate what you're going thru, hate what your H is doing, and hate that you've been in this situation at all!
you don't deserve this, but i also see you doing what needs to be done and weathering this storm w/ grace and perseverance. sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and a trigger blaster for when you're served w/ the papers. :hug:
Quote from: Armee on March 24, 2023, 12:35:21 AM
So he's not just avoidant he's also something else I'm not supposed to say here.
He sounds like a liar, which we are allowed to say.
Sorry Notalone, I hope that's not too blunt. I'll remove it if it is.
Armee, Your anger on my behalf gives me strength.
Rainy, Thank you for your thoughts and support.
San, I feel your care and strength in your anger. I feel more like I'm stumbling blindly through this journey of divorce. For now I'll hold your words, "grace and perseverance," and wonder, "Hmm, is that true?" I'm feeling the love and strength of your hug.
Blueberry, no, not too blunt. I've asked myself why I can't be that blunt. Even in my private journal I wrote "backpedaling." I haven't come up with an answer yet.
The sheriff came to the house when I was at work. My son signed for the papers. H had not given him warning that the sheriff would be coming to the house. I didn't either, although I didn't expect it to happen that soon. I also feel like that is more of my H's responsibility.
I made one small step in my divorce "to do" list today. I opened a checking account. Banks are triggering to one of my Littles, so if things hadn't gone well, it could have been upsetting. The banker who assisted me was respectful of my questions (no attitude of: doesn't everyone know that?) and helpful. A staff member is also going to contact someone for me to meet to discuss a morgage. :stars:
I am immensely grateful for the support that I am receiving from many people.
Quote from: Not Alone on March 25, 2023, 07:25:46 PM
Blueberry, no, not too blunt. I've asked myself why I can't be that blunt. Even in my private journal I wrote "backpedaling." I haven't come up with an answer yet.
I can kind of imagine why I might react the same way if the tables were reversed actually.
Oh man, the sheriff came to the house? I would have found that upsetting so maybe good you were at work. I would've thought telling your children would be more H's responsibility too.
Congrats on opening a checking account :cheer: Getting one step accomplished. Step by step. Great that you got a respectful banker too! And that you're getting lots of support. I did for my move and it was so helpful. So I feel extra specially glad that people are helping you in your time of need too :)
i agree w/ the assessment of placing the responsibility of telling your son what to expect. as i've been reassured about many times, there are 2 people responsible for your kids' welfare - it doesn't totally fall on one parent.
well done at the bank. so glad it went smoothly. too many bad words to say about your hub right now so i'll send you love and a big hug instead.
:bighug:
A lot of very hard, but important things. I'm sure it's bittersweet marking things off of the divorce to-do list. I can imagine it is a mix of deep grief and relief? So glad you were able to open a bank account and start talking about mortgages. That realm is so confusing and overwhelming, I'm glad you have support and someone at the bank that didn't belittle you like the attorney. I'm sorry your son had to handle that but I'm glad he has you
Full responsibility for failing to tell your son lies fully with H. I'm sorry that happened though. :grouphug:
Yay for the bank going smoothly and respectfully and to you for taking a big step toward the next phase with the account and talking about a mortgage.
I agree with San about how you've been approaching this with grace and perseverance. 100% true. Yes.
:grouphug: to all of you. I'm so grateful that you are walking with me on this journey.
H and I went through a few rooms in the house, talking about who wants what. I was really dreading it, but it wasn't too awful. It probably helped that I took a xanax before doing that! Also more conversation with H about next steps and finances. I refrained from getting into circular arguments.
I had to file a form in response to the divorce paper received from the sheriff. It is done online and the process was really complex. I hope that I did it correctly.
I emailed the realtor whom I talked to weeks ago. I'm still unsure about the timing of all this, but I would really like to find a place to live and get settled. I want to get out of the house. My job that starts in July will require a fair amount of preparation and there is only so much that I can do at one time.
I received an email saying I did something wrong on the form. I can't deal with it right now.
Conversation with the realtor was VERY discouraging. Basically, finding what I want in my price range, close to impossible. To add to that, I talked to the lender. I won't be able to get a mortgage until I've received 30 days of paycheck from my new job. That means looking for a place to live and moving while starting a new job that will require a great deal of my time and energy. It is too. much. This nightmare never ends.
:hug:
I'm sure the mistakes happen all the time on those forms. They never make much sense.
I'm sorry that the moving process isn't going to align right. :hug:
notalone, i can't tell you the number of times i've made mistakes w/ online forms. usually, i have to get my D to help me cuz i can't make sense of it. i think you're brave to tackle it on your own like you did.
as for your housing situation, it totally sucks. all the ins and outs of requirements now are so awful. i do hope you find something in your price range. if not now, sometime soon. absolutely with you as you go thru this. i know this feeling. love and hugs :hug:
Quote from: Armee on March 28, 2023, 12:24:33 AM
I'm sorry that the moving process isn't going to align right. :hug:
:yeahthat: :hug:
Quote from: Not Alone on March 28, 2023, 12:03:43 AM
I received an email saying I did something wrong on the form. I can't deal with it right now.
I spent about 40 minutes waiting for "chat" help. She said I had the wrong code. She didn't know the code. The phone number that she gave me said that they don't have the code. The court house closes at 3 p.m., so no one there to contact. Just looking at the process to fix this once I have a code is really complex. The system is ridiculous.
I have so much to do and feel like I should be productive. I'm feeling really overwhelmed. T.V. for me now.
Not Alone, I'm sorry for all the systems you are having to navigate at once, including those whose hours are during hours one needs to work.
Quote from: Not Alone on March 28, 2023, 10:37:44 PM
I have so much to do and feel like I should be productive. I'm feeling really overwhelmed. T.V. for me now.
I imagine that watching TV is being productive for you rn since it's helping you regroup and regenerate. And giving you much -needed downtime. Same for me when lying in bed reading, doing crossword puzzles etc. I'm thankful there are always mbrs on here reminding me. Hoping my passing the message to you is helpful too. :hug:
Gentle hugs, notalone. Taking downtime when you need to is perfectly okay. I hope their ridiculous system works a bit better for you when you can get back there later.
Thank you, Rainy, Blueberry & Sage.
After more stress and three phone calls, I submitted divorce form and it was approved. Plus I had to pay money. :doh:
Quote from: Not Alone on March 28, 2023, 12:03:43 AM
Conversation with the realtor was VERY discouraging. Basically, finding what I want in my price range, close to impossible. To add to that, I talked to the lender. I won't be able to get a mortgage until I've received 30 days of paycheck from my new job. That means looking for a place to live and moving while starting a new job that will require a great deal of my time and energy. It is too. much. This nightmare never ends.
Besides those conversations, I spoke to our financial advisor. He gently suggested renting for a year.
Throughout this nightmare, the hope that I've held onto of having a safe place on my own has been crushed. The thought of trying to find a place, which will be super hard in this market, while starting my new job. . . just the thought makes me ill. The thought of renting hooks into some things with the Littles and the alarms of
UNSAFE!!!! are going off. No matter what I do, I lose. Defeated.
DEFEATED
Not Alone, I wish it wasn't so much all the time.
Thank you, Rainy.
:hug:
You'll find some ways to make the Littles feel safe in a new temporary place by bringing some comfortable reminders of safety. Of course they'll be triggered and also you'll have your own place where you can decorate however the littles need to feel safest while you grieve and transition. It is going to be terrible but I know you've got this as hard as it will be.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take away the pain and the scary-ness.
Thank you, Armee. There was a time, many years ago, when someone had obtained a key to my apartment and opened the door at 3 a.m. The chain on the door stopped him from fully entering. The Littles are terrified.
Discussion with H today. I'm so upset, so angry. I was shaking after the interaction. I took xanax and left the house. Called a friend and went to her house for awhile. I'm back home now; another xanax, in my small room. Too upset to do anything productive. Cat on my lap is a comfort.
This has got to end soon. I can't keep on like this.
I'm so sorry that H is treating you so badly. I have experienced similar reactions to yours in communication with various FOO mbrs and other people too so I understand. I'm glad you have a comforting cat, furbabies are so great. :thumbup: that you arranged to go over to a friend's for a while.
Sending you tons of good vibes from here on OOTS because I bet there's little bits of it tucked away in odd corners and the more we use it the more it expands anyway :grouphug:
i think you showed great self-care, notalone. so very angry about H and everything you're having to go thru. we're here with you while you're going thru all of it. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you Blueberry and San. :hug:
H said he wants to talk again today. I haven't approached him. Yesterday was so awful; I dread any more conversation. I am on such high alert inside.
I spent the morning looking at a place to rent. It's a long story, but bottom line, I found out that it is a scam. The apartment is for rent, but for a higher price from the real landlords. I am really grateful that I found out the truth. I feel like God protected me.
Now that I've decided that I need to rent, I'm having a hard time packing. What do I pack away for a year? What will I need? I'm getting rid of some things too. Just put all my skinny clothes in the "give away" bag. :blink:
There is too much for me to figure out. I end up doing little, because I get so overwhelmed. (Go through one box. Do one section of my class. Etc.)
Not Alone, I am thinking of you.
Thanks, Rainy.
It took a lot for me to get myself to church today. When I got home I took a couple of pills and slept all day. Trying to ignore the "shoulds." I don't know how to get through this.
Not Alone, thank you for welcoming me to oots, and for your advice. It seems you are going through some big upheavals and difficult times. I can feel the pulls between needing to be strong and responsible while feeling so weak and frightened. I'm sure you are being very brave and doing your absolute best to go forward and get through these challenges. Your instincts are in the end a good indicator of what you may need, so have faith in them. Sending you thoughts of courage during your journey.
:grouphug: Not Alone :grouphug:
What you're going through is so hard and unsettling. I still agree with San that yes, you are handling this with grace and strength.
I have no doubt your conversations with H have been massively difficult for you and Littles. I'm sending so much love to all of you. :grouphug:
Hi Not Alone,
I am also sending you love and care at this time, and thinking of you as you negotiate this time in your life. :hug:
Hope :)
hey, notalone, it sounds like you are getting thru this even when you don't know how. church, meds, sleep were probably exactly what you needed at that time. sometimes it's a huge deal just to get from one day to the next, and you are doing that. i celebrate that for you. sending love and a hug filled w/ 'no shoulds' spray. :hug:
Hi, Not Alone. I just wanted to let you know that I read and I'm thinking of you :hug:
Mandox, Armee, Hope, San, & Bach, your words were an encouragement to me. Thank you.
Yesterday was a really tough day. I did have many people who were very supportive via phone calls and texts messages. For that I am very grateful.
I looked at a condo for rent with a realtor. It was in good condition, but it was so small. I would not even be able to fit my bedroom furniture in the bedroom. No room for even a small table. I felt like a mouse in a box. It also would be pretty far from family and friends. The commute to work would be okay.
I cried all the way home. Besides the small size of the condo, as I was standing in it, I was really hit by my aloneness. Big time.
I don't know if I've mentioned that friends are moving into a large home. They have invited me to rent a bedroom. It is an option. Right now I don't want to go into all the pros and cons. It would be my friend and her husband and his parents living there.
I saw my T yesterday. He encouraged me to talk to mediator & husband about me keeping (buying) the house we live in. From the start of H saying he wanted a divorce, he has said he wants the house. My therapist said he's had many people say to him, "I wish I had. . . " With his help, I wrote a letter to H asking him to consider selling me the house. His initial response was that he didn't want to move. He also said he wants to be by our son, who lives at the house. There's a whole lot that I could say about both of those things, but for now I'll just leave it there. He did say he would think about it. I can't imagine him changing his mind.
I woke up very early this morning, really still night time. Couldn't go back to sleep. The stress that I feel is so big. I haven't even gotten out of bed, other than to grab my computer, and I want to take a xanax to ease some of the pressure.
The things that I need to do today:
- spend some time on the class I'm taking for work
- visit the house that my friends are buying, who invited me to rent a room
- spend some time doing something with my son
- small group Bible study tonight
I'm not going to add the "shoulds."
What can I do to help myself through this day? I cleaned my room the other day and that helps me. If I need the help of meds, use those without guilt. Read a book. Really hard not to allow the "shoulds" to crowd into my mind and heart.
There's a storm so I better hit "post" in case we lose electricity.
I haven't even finished my cup of coffee and have had to take a xanax this morning. H mostly said no to the house, but he's still thinking about it. Then he came in and hugged me and said he understood stress and we'd work something out. Based on past experience, those are empty words. He also has NO idea nor does he acknowledge/accept/ care about the added factor that I have cPTSD.
I am so weary, beaten down, shaky. I am way past my capacity to cope with all of this.
sitting with you, enjoying a coffee by your side, just letting you know you're not alone.
i've rented a room in a stranger's house, and i understand about the pros and cons. if needed, it may be a way to get your feet under you until you can move on. of course, it just may not work, either. best to you with this.
as far as your H and his hug go . . .
still sitting w/ you, notalone, while you go thru all this. love and hugs :hug:
I'm so sorry, Not Alone. This is so sad and not fair. My heart is breaking for you. I don't understand why he is allowed to give so little and take so much. 😪
Being alone in a home or condo would feel very strange after a whole life of living with the family you raised. It's been a long time for me but the time I spent living alone I really enjoyed the freedom and comfort of just getting to be myself.
:grouphug:
This is a really shocking change to have to get through. All parts of it.
Thanks, San. I appreciate your words and like the thought of you having coffee with me. I hope you don't mind the cat curled up on the bed!
Armee, "shocking change" is a really good way to put it.
Quote from: Not Alone on April 05, 2023, 11:58:36 AM
The things that I need to do today:
- spend some time on the class I'm taking for work
- visit the house that my friends are buying, who invited me to rent a room
- spend some time doing something with my son
- small group Bible study tonight
I spent 30 minutes on my class. I want to work on it for an hour, but my anxiety is increasing. I'm going to take a break.
Quote from: Not Alone on April 05, 2023, 03:16:52 PM
Quote from: Not Alone on April 05, 2023, 11:58:36 AM
The things that I need to do today:
- spend some time on the class I'm taking for work
- visit the house that my friends are buying, who invited me to rent a room
- spend some time doing something with my son
- small group Bible study tonight
I spent 30 minutes on my class. I want to work on it for an hour, but my anxiety is increasing. I'm going to take a break.
When I think of other things that I need to do, I feel a shot of panic. I'm trying to stick to my list and do other things that bring a little calm to my system.
I finished another 30+ minutes of my class.
I received a phone call saying that my application for the small condo was accepted. I felt a punch to my stomach and panic. I said that I would let him know by tomorrow morning. It was the opposite feeling of "I hope I get this place!"
I visited the house that my friends are buying, where they said I could rent a bedroom. I still don't know, but it felt better there. I could see myself sitting at the kitchen table, doing my work. The bedrooms are a good size and bright.
notalone, the cat is more than welcome.
one of my favorite phrases is 'go with your gut'. it's served me well over the years when i've had big changes/decisions to make. i also know the times i ignored my gut, and it ended up badly for me.
i'm glad, on one hand, that you got the offer. however, from what you're saying, it seems like there's a little something 'off' to you, especially if you're already feeling better about staying w/ your friends. maybe you don't need to live alone right now - it could be anything. you're in transition, for sure, so please be careful and gentle w/ you and your thought processes. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
San, thank you for your input.
I did go with my gut and texted the realtor and said no to the condo.
Quote from: Not Alone on April 05, 2023, 11:58:36 AM
I saw my T yesterday. He encouraged me to talk to mediator & husband about me keeping (buying) the house we live in. From the start of H saying he wanted a divorce, he has said he wants the house. My therapist said he's had many people say to him, "I wish I had. . . " With his help, I wrote a letter to H asking him to consider selling me the house. His initial response was that he didn't want to move. He also said he wants to be by our son, who lives at the house. There's a whole lot that I could say about both of those things, but for now I'll just leave it there. He did say he would think about it. I can't imagine him changing his mind.
This morning my H told me he was going to look at a townhouse that a friend of a friend was selling. He saw it and wasn't crazy about it, but he is seriously considering buying the townhouse and me buying/staying in our house.
We see the mediator tomorrow.
It feels like an earthquake inside of my body. So much stress and now the possibility that I won't have to find a place to live. That is good, but still ramps up my feelings. I took a walk in an effort to regulate. Even though good to get out in the sun and move, my anxiety hasn't gone down at all.
I just read what I wrote. It is like I have been in earthquake after earthquake for the last nine months. I started thinking of everything that I've had to deal with, but it is too much to write down. The earth is still moving. There are still huge unknowns, decisions, difficult and new roads ahead. No wonder my body isn't calming down. Our bodies were not meant to feel calm in the middle of crisis. The divorce crisis has been months long and I'm still in the middle of it. Yikes.
:fallingbricks:
Quote from: Not Alone on April 06, 2023, 08:10:01 PM
I did go with my gut and texted the realtor and said no to the condo.
:applause:
Good on your for trusting your gut.
I'm sorry it feels as if you're in an earthquake and have been so for the last 9 months. I hope for there to be a resolution soon for you. :hug: :hug:
Thank you, Blueberry.
still with you, notalone. i hope resolution comes soon for you. i agree, we are not meant to feel calm in the middle of a crisis. all systems alert. pile one earthquake of crisis after another, and it's truly difficult to find a means of calm. you're going thru it wi/ determination and perseverance, and i applaud you for that. the little things, you know? one step in front of the other. love and hugs. :hug:
Quote from: Not Alone on April 06, 2023, 08:10:01 PM
This morning my H told me he was going to look at a townhouse that a friend of a friend was selling. He saw it and wasn't crazy about it, but he is seriously considering buying the townhouse and me buying/staying in our house.
We see the mediator tomorrow.
Today has been beyond horrible and crazy-making.
Yesterday my H gave me hope that I would be able to stay in the house. This morning he said how far the townhouse was from MY work. In other words, I should buy the townhouse. I reminded him that I can't get a loan until I have a month of paychecks from my job that starts in July. I cannot move and be starting my new job.
IT IS TOO MUCH!!!! Then he said, "Neither of us want a divorce. Maybe we should take a couple years and work on our marriage." What!!!!!!!! You are saying this now!? After the * of the last nine months? An hour before our last mediator session?
Crazy-makingThen we had session with the mediator. I won't go into all those details, but my H acts all nice. It was difficult, to say the least.
Yesterday, H wanted me to see the townhouse. We went after the session. He did such a turn around, I was confused. He asked what I thought. For me or for you? He wants ME to buy it. He didn't like it, but he wants me to buy it. Several times he has said that he wants our house and to stay with our son. Well, I want that too. I have no legal recourse. If we took it to the judge, he would order the house sold, then we all lose.
I am really confused and upset. I still don't have a place to live. As I look at what he did to me today, not even including the last 27 years, I need to get away from him. He is manipulative and selfish. To do what he did today shows zero care for me, despite how he says things that appear caring.
I still can't believe what he did to me; gave me some hope then totally flipped and manipulated me. It was cruel.
:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: all over the place about what your H has done.
just a side thought - is it an absolute that you wouldn't be able to stay in the house w/ your son? has that been verified as yet? just looking for a way out of this nightmare. i could use a hot cup of coffee right now, warm blanket, cuddle pillow to just sit w/ or chat about silly things. care to join me? love and hugs :hug:
It was cruel and manipulative and I am so sorry he is putting you through these mind benders. I'll join you and San with a hot beverage and warm blankets.
oh goodness, so painful and stressful sounding. Is it possible for you to ask your H clearly for something specific? Can you tell him what you would like to happen/need to happen? It sounds so confusing and rollercoaster ! Is it decided that you are definitely parting for you? Sorry, I hope I'm not asking too many questions and being personal ? You don't need to answer, I think what I'd like to say is that for cptsd, confusion and circular stuff is so difficult. Take personal advantage of the mediator and see them alone if you can. I hope you soon find a happy home where you can feel more stable.
I was very specific w/ H that I want the house. I've been told my several people that if we both want the house, the judge will order it to be sold and the money split. That leaves three of us homeless. I won't do that to my son.
I did not get out of bed until 10:30. I don't think I stayed in bed that long since I was a teenager. I really cannot cope. Family is coming over tomorrow for Easter. Too much to clean. Too much to cook. I just can't.
TW
I keep telling myself that I need to not abandon my children. The new job, the divorce, not having a place to live; it is all way too much. Just opening my laptop to type this took a lot of effort. I don't know how to get through this day, let alone tomorrow with company and the next day at work. I just can't.
I'm so sorry Not Alone. You know, if you just can't, it is even for this very important holiday ok to say you just can't. We have breaking points. I passed mine and it took 1.5 years to recover. Your family would understand. This is an enormously difficult time.
I am not okay. Can't. Hopeless. How do I keep going?
You keep going knowing that when the dust has settled you have a chance to build a life that makes you feel safe and fulfilled. Until then, take care of you and Littles. Cancel things. Rest. Make the next best step. :grouphug:
Thank you, Armee.
Sat by a friend at church. She knows me and my situation well.
Dinner and time with family was okay. Always hard to be around H, but it was mostly okay.
Tomorrow I need to be on for work. Yesterday I could hardly function at all. Things are hard, but not as dark as yesterday and this morning. Hopefully I'll be okay at work.
:hug: :hug:
Best wishes for work and the week ahead.
Thank you, Blueberry & Rainy.
Being at work has been helpful.
H is back to considering finding a place to live and me keeping the house. Just considering. No promises. I'm trying to protect my heart from false hope.
I had a nightmare last night. I was in college and living with two other women. There was something in the house that terrifies me. I don't even want to name it, because it feels too vulnerable. The dream makes sense for adult me and for all the Littles.
It sounds like a really valid fear the nightmare is bringing up. :hug:
I'll hold extra hope for you so that you can keep protecting your heart.
Thinking of you Not Alone.
still with you thru all this, notalone. it's so very, very much you're dealing w/. i wish i could do or say more, but want you to know you are not alone. at least not virtually. glad you got to sit next to a friend at church. some bit of comfort, at least. love and hugs :hug:
Still here with you, notalone. Wishing you peace and a smooth process as much as possible. Gentle hugs if you want them.
Armee, Rainydiary, San, & Sage,
Your continued kindness and support encourages me.
Latest news: H has been approved for a loan. The townhouse was off the market, but now is available for sale. He is moving forward to buy it. I am still trying to protect my heart.
Also, the friends who had offered to rent me a room were buying a house. Their contract has fallen through.
Mixed bag there! Fingers crossed that he doesn't pull anything and is a good person for this situation.
Yes, thank you Armee.
I've spent a fair share of the weekend going over the divorce agreement. There were some errors in the numbers, which resulted in me doing a lot of math. Even with knowing the correct numbers, there was an error. Thankful that I have a friend, who used to be an accountant, to help me sort through all of this.
H is still moving forward to buy the townhouse. The latest agreement has me keeping the house. I need all this to be over.
I am staying at a friend's house, cat sitting. It is good to be out of the house and away from H. I was feeling a bit more relaxed, but just spent three hours going over the divorce agreement, so stress is up.
:hug: :hug:
It's great that you are able to ask friends for help like that. Good job, Not Alone. And I'm really glad for now that it seems H is going to do the right thing with the house. You deserve to have that piece go right. :grouphug:
Thinking of you during this time and glad you had some time to yourself in a different location.
so glad you had some getaway time, notalone. fingers crossed and prayers flying that H goes thru w/ buying the townhouse so you can stay where you are. after all you've been thru w/ this . . . you deserve that break. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, Blueberry, Armee, Rainy & San. :grouphug:
Court tomorrow.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thinking of you.
Thinking of you :hug: :hug:
Thinking of you Not Alone :hug: :bighug:
Thinking of you Not Alone :hug:
also with you, notalone. best to you and standing beside you. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, everyone.
I'm too tired to write much. Even though it was stressful, court went okay. We were only there for about 1 1/2 hours. It felt longer. Legally, it is finished. I am divorced. I feel ill after writing that. H is still living at the house and will be until the sale of the home he is buying is complete.
I am grateful for so many people in my life who love and support me.
:bighug:
I don't think I have the right words. But you must be exhausted emotionally mentally and physically. I would just need to collapse into near coma for awhile. :grouphug:
Hi Not Alone,
You're going through so much at the moment, and I wanted to send you a big hug of support, and hope that you get some opportunities to rest and find some peaceful times for yourself to process things - and do whatever you need to do. :bighug:
Hope :)
Thank you, Armee & Hope.
Today for work I had a day long training for a portion of my job that will begin in July. I knew before going that other buildings would have teams of people who have been working together. For my building, it is just me. There were moments of discomfort and feeling overwhelmed, especially in the beginning and the end. Overall it went okay and the meeting did help me to partly understand how to do some things.
When I was driving home, I thought, what a week. Court and divorce finalized on Monday and today a day long training where I'm the only one who didn't know anyone.
The house has been getting pretty dirty. I don't know why H hasn't done much cleaning (for most of the time the house was going to him), but it is not worth the stress to say anything. I vacuumed and washed two floors. One task at a time.
I resonate with going to trainings and not knowing anyone. That is incredibly uncomfortable. I'm glad the training provided some clarity for you otherwise. Best wishes taking each step.
I hope you are able to rest and relax after such a hard week, Not Alone. Not just a hard week, but such a difficult process for so long with the dissolution of your marriage. Hoping there are better times ahead for you very soon :hug: :grouphug:
Thank you, Rainy and Bach.
I did some light reading this evening. Later I was working on some things for future job. Started feeling stressed. I put it away for now. I think that I know a next step that I need to take to organize and begin to be ready for new job in July. I hope to spend some time on that tomorrow and some more time cleaning.
Someone at work did something for me that was incredibly generous and kind. I am blessed.
It is so nice to have someone show kindness and generosity. Best wishes getting organized.
:hug: Rainy :hug:
I spent quite awhile this morning, getting organized for new job. I got a lot done. The mountain of what still needs to be done creeps in and then I feel really overwhelmed. I still have more of this organizing to do, but I need to step away for awhile.
I also vacuumed some floors.
notalone, i'm so glad for you that you have a decent amount of lead time before your new job begins. small steps count, and it sounds like you're doing just that. good for you! keep it up, you're doing great. love and hugs :hug:
San, thanks for the encouragement and the reminder that small steps count.
Also you got a lot done today, Not Alone! You wrote that! :cheer:
I'm so glad someone at work did something kind and generous for you :cheer: :hug:
Thank you, Blueberry.
Went over bills with H. He has always paid bills in the past. There was some discussion about what should still be share, but no argument. I will have three months of paying bills on my current income, which is impossible. I have savings that I can use. My coworker's financial gift will help too. At the moment, I'm not freaked out over the bills. I'm allowing for that to change and accept my feelings as they come. There are many things in our marriage that was not "us." The finances were "us." This is a further tearing of the marriage (which no longer exists legally).
H just told me he thinks he should get more money from an account. :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
:hug:
I'm sorry, Not Alone. As much as you are able to stand up for what feels fair and right for you. I'm here with you and wishing this weren't so painful and difficult. :grouphug:
i echo armee, notalone. such trials, hurt, pain, back and forth, manipulations, disregard for what you've been put thru - :aaauuugh:
i don't have enough words to express how i'm feeling toward you, toward him, toward the situation. to you, however, i'm sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion, strength, and care for my friend who's going thru so much. :bighug:
Thank you, Armee and San. I appreciate you being in my corner.
I confronted H when I got home from work. I won't go into details, but it is taken care of and he is no longer pursuing trying to get that money.
I am glad your conversation went ok.
:cheer:
Hi Not Alone,
:cheer: That is great.
:hug:
Hope :)
:cheer:
Thank you, everyone.
The piece that I didn't share is that before I confronted H, I received a message from our financial person saying that H had asked him to put money from my account into the checking account. Financial person asked if I was okay with that. No!!!!! I was clear with H that I did not think that he had a right to that money. Then H went behind my back and asked the financial person to put the money into an account that he has access to. Wow. Sneaky. :pissed:
:pissed:
:aaauuugh:
That was incredibly sneaky :pissed:
:aaauuugh: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
I'm sorry Not Alone. I think that's way worse than sneaky. I'm angry at your H. He's making your life extra-hard. Standing with you. :hug: :hug:
Rainy, Armee, Hope, Blueberry,
I appreciate your anger on my behalf and your validation.
Last night when I told my Bible study group about this, three people at once told me to change my locks as soon as he is out of the house. This morning I'm feeling dysregulated. Living with someone who is unsafe is hard. It has been that he was unsafe emotionally. It seems that he may be unsafe in other ways. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around that. I never would have believed that to be true.
I need to leave for work. I need to try and put this in a box for now, so that I can do my job.
Work was fine, although I felt tired.
The financial issues with my H have me upset. I don't do well with financial issues at the best of times. I don't trust him. I need all of this to be over! This has been a long nightmare. The earnest money that he put down on his townhouse is from OUR checking account, also the payment for the townhouse inspection.
Conversation with H went okay. I need to process with my friend tomorrow.
I have been more tired lately. On both Saturday and today, I took a long nap. I'm not sure if I'm avoiding some things (getting ready for new job, which feels overwhelming &/or signing financial papers from divorce.) I have been under huge, unrelenting stress for the last nine months. I wonder if my body is saying, "I'm tired. Give me a break!"
After my nap I signed most papers. I sent a question about one to financial advisor. Signing the papers makes me ill. What is fair by law, is not the same as what is fair in my mind. It is distressing that my H got so much of my inherited money (because I trusted him and our marriage and put his name on it.)
So hard.
From the outside it also seems unfair to have inherited money not be yours. I hope that the extra stress eases as soon as possible.
I'm so sorry Not Alone for all the stresses right now. I think your right about your body telling you rest is needed.
I stand with you as well regarding the inheritance. That just doesn't seem right in my eyes either. This makes me so angry for you.
You are not standing alone in this.
:bighug: if okay
:hug:
Thank you, Rainy, Moondance & San.
:bighug:
I'm sorry about your inheritance money. That is so unfair of your H! :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: I'm sorry he's being so utterly horrible to you. What a betrayal of your trust! :bighug: :bighug:
`i echo the others, notalone. so unfair, such a betrayal. and i'm angry about it, too. :pissed: this is just not right. love and hugs :hug:
Thinking of you :hug:
Thank you, everyone. :grouphug:
I'm feeling incompetent and overwhelmed. As a result I'm doing nothing.
I'd feel overwhelmed too and would have a big need to rest and regroup. In my case that would involve doing nothing. :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:
You may feel incompetent, but please allow me to say that you are not incompetent! :bighug:
Thank you, Blueberry. I appreciate that.
My H and I discussed money today. Some of our money is still co-mingled. We were in agreement. That was a relief.
I felt pretty overwhelmed today regarding my future position. I set of a goal of working on it for one hour today and I met that goal.
I still can't bring myself to say "ex-husband."
I am thinking of you Not Alone especially as you make all of these big transitions. I would need to rest a lot too.
:hug:
:grouphug: Rainy & Armee.
Today was a pretty good day. I did not get overwhelmed at work and I got some things accomplished.
I set a goal of working on future job for one hour this evening. I didn't feel like working on it and was afraid I'd just feel overwhelmed, but I stuck to it and I met my time goal and got more done than I anticipated.
:hug:
Way to go!!!! :cheer:
Thank you, Armee. It feels good to be cheered on.
Well done, Not Alone! :waveline: :bighug:
well done, notalone! that's quite an achievement! one foot in front of the other, right?
also thinking of you as you go thru your other situation. standing right beside you. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you Bach and San.
I have almost continuous anxiety. Most of it is about the new job, starting in July. H is still in the house and we are still dividing belongings. It hasn't been contentious, but it still is hard. After living with H for 27 ½ years, I will be living alone. (My son will be with me.) Scary to not be in a partnership after all this time. Yea, I guess that is a lot to feel anxious about.
:hug:
It sure is a lot to feel anxious about. Rest assured, you've got this, Not Alone, as scary as it is. You're going to do great at your new job and you're going to find your sense of peace and safety once H is gone.
i agree - it's a lot to feel anxious about. one day at a time, ok? so very sorry you're having to go thru all this. i'm glad you'll have your son w/ you. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, Armee and San. :grouphug:
I messed up at work. After getting it straightened out (I think), I continued with my tasks. I realized the I wasn't spiraling after making a mistake at work. Phew!
I applaud the not spiraling - I am learning that too and noticing when it happens differently feels like a step in the right direction.
:wave: Hi Not Alone,
Wow, thank you for sharing not spiraling after a mistake. That is wonderful Not Alone.
I can't even imagine that.
I stand with you during this time of big changes Not Alone.
A safe virtual :hug: if that is okay
Thank you, Rainy. It is a step in the right direction.
Moondance, thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate you standing with me during this time. I'm happy to receive hugs.
I'm so proud of you for letting the mistake stay that - just a small human mistake. That's really a huge thing. :grouphug: :cheer:
Thanks, Armee. :hug:
well done, notalone! keeping yourself from spiraling is a truly big deal, to my mind. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, San.
Regarding new position beginning in mid-July, when someone says:
"Have you looked at . . . . . . .yet?" or
"It'll be here before you know it."
I feel more intensely overwhelmed, inadequate, and fearful. Then I get to the point where I can't move forward, because I'm frozen. The comments are innocent. Most people have no idea that I have cPTSD and that with a new job and divorce, my anxiety level is living at 6-7 on a scale of 10. Those comments propel me to a nine or ten.
Thank you, friends for understanding. I know that you get it.
i do get it, notalone. it's hard enough to function under stressors like you're experiencing right now w/o people bringing up future ones. we're here with you. love and many hugs :grouphug:
Thank you, San.
Quote from: Not Alone on May 26, 2023, 09:41:51 PM
Those comments propel me to a nine or ten.
I'm still feeling overwhelmed from the comments yesterday. To add to those feelings, I went to the bank with ex-H to take my name off the checking account. I deposited money that he owed me into my account. That is more painful tearing of the relationship.
I have gained so much weight through the divorce journey that I have few clothes that fit me. I shopped for more clothing. That was discouraging. More overwhelm.
I have so much to do. I took a xanax in hope that it would take enough of the anxiety away that I could function and think. I just want to curl up and sleep.
Hi Not Alone,
I have so much to do. I took a xanax in hope that it would take enough of the anxiety away that I could function and think. I just want to curl up and sleep.
I can so relate to that, - too much of anything makes me feel that way.
:bighug:
:bighug:
Thank you, Moondance and Armee.
I did end up sleeping for a few hours.
I got some things done after that. I'm trying not to think about all that needs to be done. It's overwhelming. It is hard to stay in "one step at a time."
i agree, notalone, it can be hard to stay in 'one step at a time' mode sometimes. i hope you can break some of this into smaller pieces for the time being so as not to feel so overwhelmed. i also know it's tough to do that when everything is happening at once. do your best - it's good enough.
i'm glad for you that you got some sleep. i find it always helps. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, San.
I'm really spinning my wheels.
After church, I went to the store to buy flowers to plant in the yard. I got so overwhelmed, I just left. Then I spent an hour on future job. I got absolutely nowhere in that hour. I went to another store to buy flowers. I did manage to buy some flowers and plant those. I bought less than I usual do, because right now I'm living on my savings.
I'm feeling totally panicked, overwhelmed and incompetent about my upcoming new job. I need to be prepared, but I'm completely freaked out. I'm trying not to spiral down, but I'm not doing well. The divorce and H packing to move out adds to the overwhelm.
There's so much going on for you right now, no wonder you are overwhelmed. I hope your new flowers bring you some joy. Beauty is important! As you move through this especially stressful time, the flowers will grow and so will you :hug:
Quote from: Bach on May 29, 2023, 12:08:40 PM
As you move through this especially stressful time, the flowers will grow and so will you :hug:
Thank you, Bach. I love this.
I did
finish one task for my new job. It needs more work, but the skeleton is finished and I was stuck before. I just went online for another technology thing I need to know. I started feeling overwhelmed very quickly, so I turned it off. I will look at it another time. Now I will look at another thing on my "figuring out my new job" list.
My ex-H was gone when I finished the first thing. He is back home. Even though there is no conversation between us, his presence adds stress to me.
Pacing yourself is a good thing. Wishing you energy and peace for being around him.
yeah, the mere presence of someone like that . . . conversation isn't needed to make your space feel uncomfortable. i give you a lot of credit, notalone, because you are continuing to move forward w/ the work tasks, stopping when you need to, starting up again later all in the midst of your overwhelming circumstances. hang tough, ok? hangin' right beside you.
i, too, loved the flower imagery. gardening is one of my favorite things. very grounding. i'm so glad for you that you took the time and energy to plant. i always think nature is food for the soul in its own special way. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, Cactus Flower & San.
Ex-H is cleaning stuff out and packing. I feel a combination of sadness, loss and relief. We had bride and groom champagne glasses from our wedding. Years ago, I accidentally broke the "bride" glass when I was dusting. It really upset me. Today I held up the "groom" glass and asked if he wanted it. Ex: "I guess I'll toss it." In my mind: 'Just like you tossed away 27 years of marriage.'
I'm going to try to do a little more future job preparation. Not sure how much I can get my mind around it. I'm also going to do some Jesus journaling.
As someone wise told me the other day, be gentle with yourself right now. There's a lot going on with the divorce, ex-H packing and the reality of it all, everything. The job stuff will come along. The people who promoted you have faith in your ability. For good reason. Go gentle.
Thank you, Armee. I did my Jesus journaling, which was helpful. Then I sat on the beach with a friend for a few hours. She also is going through a divorce. It was really good to spend time with her.
:hug:
I'm so glad you have someone close to you who is there with you to share these burdens. :grouphug:
Thank you, Armee.
I've been okay the last couple of days, not overwhelmed.
that sounds like a break you've needed, notalone, to not be overwhelmed. glad you've got this time.
i smiled wryly at your 'wedding champagne' glass story, mostly because i can't tell you how many times those same types of words have crossed my mind at a cavalier attitude about a relationship. i think it tells a lot from both sides. his nonchalance about something you valued highly. quite a separation there. sending love and a hug full of support :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 01, 2023, 02:06:19 PM
i think it tells a lot from both sides. his nonchalance about something you valued highly. quite a separation there.
San, thanks for sharing that. I bolded part of your comment. I think back to articles that I read about
Aviodant. This is the secret of the marriage to the Avoidant Personality. They want the appearance of marriage for the safety, public appearance and companionship. In their heart they do not want true marriage involving unity and bonding. The result is a strange sick creation - the appearance of marriage without the love and bonding of marriage.https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html
I spent time with my daughter today. I asked her if there were plans for Father's Day. She told what her dad wanted. I felt the hurt, the tearing of the family, being left out of the family.
It has got to be so painful to experience these new moments of separation. I'm so sorry Not Alone. You deserved something different.
:hug:
Thank you, Armee. I'm taking in your compassion.
What did I do today?
-Emptied dresser that I am currently using that H is taking with him
-Set up my "new" second-hand dresser
-Went through and sorted two laundry baskets full of items that were removed from a piece of furniture
-Went through kitchen with H and decided what each of us is keeping
-Went for a walk and listened the music, even though it is hot outside
:bighug:
:grouphug:
Taking a walk to decompress from such difficult tasks was wise.
notalone, that's quite a list you accomplished. i, too, am glad you were able to walk, get back to yourself for a bit. you are doing this no matter how difficult it's been, and for that i give you so much credit. love and hugs :hug:
Hugs, notalone! That is a lot of stuff to get done. I hope the walk was a nice one.
:grouphug: Thanks for the hugs. Here's one back to you, Bach, Armee, San, CactusFlower. :bighug:
I spent 1½ hours on the phone (lot of on hold) trying to figure some things out. One issue was dealt with and the other is in process. I find dealing with that stuff triggering. I'm not sure why.
I did meet with a friend, got some shopping done and got my hair cut (which was also time with a friend).
I did not get everything done that I wanted to do today. Even though it isn't late where I live, I feel done for the day. I'm tired. My heart is grieved.
:hug:
Thinking of you Not Alone.
Hi Not Alone,
I am also thinking about you. :hug:
Hope :)
notalone, a grieving heart can be exhausting. you got a lot done, now i hope you can get some rest. i, too, have a difficult time talking to strangers on the phone. very upsetting at times. love and hugs :hug:
I'm finally able to get back onto OOTS. Thanks to Kizzie and IT people for working on this. The format looks very different. Not sure it that is how it is supposed to be.
I really need to connect, but I have had a massive headache all day and it is only worse. I took two migraine meds, which doesn't seem to be helping.
I hope your migraine goes away soon Not Alone.
:hug:
Thank you, Moondance.