I discovered this site, CYQUEST and found a mother lode of relevant topics to the healing process:
http://www.cyquest.com/musings.html (http://www.cyquest.com/musings.html)
It deals with boundaries, inner critic, self-compassion, awareness, healing and ways to deal with pain. The ideas may be packaged somewhat differently than some trauma or C-PTSD literature, but underneath the jargon, it's all there.
I discovered this by Googling the phrase "payoffs of being a martyr". And whammo! It caused an epiphany for me. Their "pattern pages" loosely parallel some transactional analysis theory where you learn the common pay off or subconscious reason you may be doing the behavior. It is reinforced by others reactions-good or bad. So, immediately the words LIFE SCRIPT zoomed into my consciousness.
The next part wasn't so easy, because it's so gratifying to focus outward on others and neglect to look at myself. But I did and didn't like what I saw. My motives were not as "pure" and altruistic as I always believed. I've been operating with a Life Script that draws me to unhealthy situations which inevitably leaves me drained, angry, resentful and empty.
The good news is, seeing the ugly (and accepting it without blame or shame) has really neutralized my anger overall. Now I see I want to spend my time changing what I can, the person in the mirror!
Cool - that site looks like one to definitely check into!
Wow, BeHea1thy, that website is a bomb full of information! Thanks for posting the link!
Quote from: BeHea1thy on May 01, 2015, 01:46:39 AM
[...] the phrase "payoffs of being a martyr". And whammo! It caused an epiphany for me.
Ugh, that phrase hit home - my m is a covert N and the 'ultimate martyr'. I never understood what the payoff is for her but she seems to enjoy the self assigned role and gets very angry if you don't go along with it. :pissed: (I am NC with her - only way to get away from the craziness)
My u PD mom is a martyr...in fact there is a huge competition to be the Uber Martyr, ie, whom has suffered most, whoim is sicker, more tragedies, etc. I do not even have to enter as I know I would win.
Which is sad :'(. I do not want to win that title. My mom, my Aunt (non PD), & female cousin (most likely a PD) all fight for air time to tell their tales of woe... I usually ignore them and am off to myself.
I have a rare neuro disorder. I had to relearn how to walk in my 30's. A string of poor relationships, etc. CRY ME A RIVER :pissed:
:hug:
lp